Ep 524 - Tricker Treat (feat. Steve Gerben & Chris O'Connor)
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And we're starting now. Hello, everybody. We're back. The three of us. I guess McKeever couldn't make it. No, he's working like crazy. Busy as hell. Yeah, he's extreme. I don't know how he's doing, what he's doing. No. He's doing a little bit of everything. He's now at that point where he can't get to... There's always somebody that needs something. Yeah, which that could be trouble. Because then you're going to have to handle a lot. Yeah.

Dwight's true. And then Dwight gets his dick sucked constantly and he becomes the boss and is really cool and everyone thinks he's cool. I did a cool thing. I went and got a mask made. Oh, shit. Yeah, for the show. Fucking silicone put on. Nice for when I blow your fucking head off. Exactly. I wanted to give me a Terminator eye.

How was it? That sucks. It wasn't that bad. It was kind of nice. And also, my dad wound up being like 10 minutes away. They pulled my dad out of retirement. What do you mean? Yeah, my dad retired from engineering. Oh, and he's working. Yeah, he's working today. So you got to see your father. Yeah, yeah. I got to have a little meal with him, which was nice. We ate hot dogs. You and your dad ate hot dogs together? Yeah, yeah. We shared a hot dog. Yeah, it was nice. And some cheese curds.

Talked about minor league or not minor league, but like youth league hockey for a little bit. Talked about kids and ate hot dogs. That's a good day. It's a great day. Where'd you guys eat? The park? No, we went to this place called Destination Dog. You went to this hot dog specific restaurant? Yeah, yeah. That's nice. Yeah, it was great. I'm not a big dog guy.

Oh, these are good hot dogs. I fucking hate hot dogs. What do you mean? I just hate. Obviously, I'm munching. Yeah. I'll grow up with the best. But hot dogs, I just fucking hate hot dogs. No, good hot. They're disgusting. Well, they are, of course. You're a terrible ally in this. You literally eat fucking chicken fingers. Which, by the way, chicken fingers obviously rule. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's more grilled chicken and rice and broccoli now.

My diet affects how I feel. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. So are you bulking up or is there a strategy? Okay. Yeah. I did think... Because I did... And I started to tell you this. Yeah. And then I stopped...

But I think I unlocked a new power source in the golf course. Is that where the power swing story was going? Yeah. There was more to that story? No, there wasn't. I wanted that to be. There could have been more. That needed to be done. That was one of the worst stories I've ever heard in my life. Well, I don't think it was. You should tell everybody on the pod. I don't want to. Everybody's just going to make fun of me. No one's going to make fun of you. Well. So we're in the middle of filming, which is long. Yeah.

And then Steve's like, oh, my God. I saw him smiling. He saw me. That's all it was, by the way. I literally... The tiniest little rays of my... No, you were literally looking at the floor going... He's imagining how bad the story's going to go. Yes. But also wanting to say it. Yeah, yeah. Desperately wanting to say it. Yeah. And the story was you hit a golf ball far. Well, so...

I played both days. I played Saturday and Sunday. That's why you're so tired when we're filming. No, I didn't know what energizes me. No, it doesn't. Don't do that. I need it. Otherwise, I would have been more tired. We are at risk of losing you to injury. You're trying to go for the long ball. You're trying to go for the long ball. You were barely making it the other day. Was that yesterday? God damn. Well, we all got sick from...

One of the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It spread around. Yeah, yeah. One of the guest stars. Yeah. Maybe. It's tough to blame him. Fair enough. Yeah. It could have come from anywhere. Regardless, you're in close quarters with a bunch of people breathing out of his room. It's coming from me. We'll see. Dude, I'm... Yeah. I'm a suspect. I had it. Yeah. Yeah. I had something going on. You brought it in. Yeah.

But anyway, he saw me smile. I had to tell the story, which is just that I, you know, had this feel in my back swing. Let's also, I know you're trying to get to this incredible story, but.

Let's make sure everyone knows this is out of fucking nowhere. This isn't like we were talking about golf. We were talking about anything. This is just... All right. I think about it a lot. This is in a silent room. We were pretty quiet. Yeah, but we were also... You know, we see each other every day. There's a limited amount of stuff to talk about. So I had this other thing to talk to you about. It's kind of the highlight of my day. All right, so let's hear it. So...

I made a few swing changes and then got this feel that gave me a lot more coil in my backswing. And I hit a bomb. Like, you know, I hit a couple bombs, frankly, coming down the home stretch. And my playing partner was like, damn, you cleared the bunker into the wind? And I was like, I never would have done that. It's a good feeling. Yeah, that's it. That's the feeling. But seriously.

But see, this is the thing. I think it's only most people who don't care about golf. It's whatever. If you love golf, that feeling of connecting with the drive and watching the ball sail, it's whatever you're supposed to feel when you listen to Beethoven. It's just this thing. And I got to feel that, and I love it. It is great. We were feeling that a little bit at Topgolf. Yeah, if you hit the golf ball far, it's fun. Yeah. To have somebody pulling it out.

You pumped that. I did pump it. And then I had 80 yards left. I had a perfect 80-yard day foul shot. Made the putt. Birdie. You had a birdie? I did have a birdie. Nice. Thanks. That's good. That's it. That was my boring-ass story that I thought of and then thought of his response to it. And then, of course, I have to tell it. So I just walked the plank. That was... I do really want to get good at golf. Yeah, it'd be fun. Golfing would be fun. Yeah.

Unless you're golfing with Steve and his buddies. Dead clean sober, enjoying the sport. Sober buddies enjoying the sport, hitting a fucking 120 sober. That fucking blows, dude. Although you said you hit it in the 80s, right? 86 on Sunday, yeah. Was that the day with the birdie? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you were feeling it. I was feeling it. Fuck yeah. How'd you feel when you got home? How'd you feel when you got home? Did your girlfriend catch the business? A million bucks, what? Did your girlfriend get the business? Fuck.

I shouldn't have asked. You carry it over? Do I carry whatever? The confidence of a good golf game? Yes, but I don't carry over the bad stuff. I don't carry over the bad stuff. I don't believe that. That's just fucking lies, dude. You don't take it out on her if you have a bad day? No. Come here. No.

These golf stories make me really miss Matt's fucking dream stories. I listen to Matt's dream stories every day. I don't have any, but I suck. I had some bad dreams last night. You had some dream stories? I had some really bad dreams. I got a really bad dream. I miss dream stories. Because we went out and we had some dinner last night and I went home. But then in my dream, we stayed out.

And got fucked up. That's fun. Yeah, yeah. We got really fucked up. Might be the ticket. That might be like you're actually sleeping in your head. I was. But then I got so shit-faced, somehow I woke up in my parents' house. Uh-oh. And in a drunken stupor, I had like started like a variety of puzzles.

all over the floors of my parents' house. And I woke up and I was like, I don't know how I'm going to explain what happened last night. And like, what the fuck were you doing? You kept making puzzles all over the place. What the fuck is wrong with you? Sure. So how about the golf? Golf's better than that. Because it happened in reality. There you go. It really fucked me up, I'm not going to lie, the puzzle thing. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

My imaginary debauched night. We had a nice night. We did have a wonderful night. I stood my ground. You did. You coward. I did. He's a coward. I wanted to get to sleep so I could get fucked up. We went out to dinner with our ladies and we had a nice dinner, but we were discussing Halloween costumes. Okay. Of course, the ladies are, they want to go as slutty whatever. Sure. And it's like, you know.

Why not not do that? Yeah. It's cool when I wasn't dating you. Yeah. Yeah. But now, you know. Yeah. I'm sitting there. I'm in the middle of I'm battling both girlfriends. OK. This one's silent. Judas. Really? I would. I did not. I denied me. You're Peter at least. That was Peter. I said at the table, I would like to get some sleep tonight. I do not want to open this can of worms.

I think that's fair. What do you think of it? I'm in the trenches. Doing battle. He even said, I appreciate what you're doing. Wow. Which was a mistake. So what do you actually think, though? It did come back to haunt me. Not in the moment. That was a slow burn, that fight. Yeah, yeah. So what do you actually think? I like when other people's girlfriends are dressed slutty. That's fine. Yeah.

But Chris, what do you actually think? So what do I actually think? Yeah. And you were saying, no, I was saying that we're going to have a Halloween party and it's going to be a bunch of fucking people from my work. And half of them are 40, you know, this is right. This is not the time. Yeah. I think it's going to wind up. So then I'm saying, well, what is your opinion? Yeah. I think it's going to wind up being like a bunch of just like our friends, booze and

And like being dressed super slutty is going to be a little weird. Yeah. Yeah. But that's all. Yeah. I agree. So that's, that's what I genuinely think. But you can't get in that argument with a woman. Yeah.

What did the other side of that look like? What is the other side? What is their argument? Yeah. That you're an insecure, controlling fucking pussy. That's the argument. Which is... Which is tough to... You can't break out of it. You gotta go, fine. No, I think... That's the big missile in Mario. I don't... I would disagree with that argument. I would say it's not about being insecure. It's about making my friends...

a little uncomfortable because they don't want to look at you sexually because me, their friend, is dating you. Yeah. But yet you're sort of forcing them. You're going Sharia law on this. You're going, you're mine, you're mine, let's cover you up a little. No. And I agree. No. No, I agree. I'm not saying because you're mine. My enemy's enemy is my friend. I'm saying because, yeah, my friends. It's like... Yeah, don't give Brian Six a boner at the Halloween party. Right. Right.

But yeah, that's never an argument you can win. I've been down this road. Obviously, we all have. Well, because once you start getting to specifically how long...

long or short a skirt you're just you're i did that at the table stop me stop me where the dress up your knee tell me where the dress stops and if you know when you say it like i'm saying right now it does come off a little bit controlling and abusive but it was not it was a fun friendly conversation that ended up not being friendly but at first seemed friendly

I was trying to suggest a variety of costumes that maybe, you know, didn't require... I was going to go as Frankenstein. Yeah. Bride of Frankenstein. Yeah. It's like a turtleneck. Full gown. Full sleeves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that was passed upon. Princess Leia. Princess Leia was nice. You wanted to do Hillary Clinton, Princess Leia. Yeah. I want Cloud City's Princess Leia. Nope, nope. Slave Leia was what was settled upon. Was just metal bikini Princess Leia. Was...

That's an idea. For real. I was just like, no. Yeah. It's going to be 40 degrees. Don't. Miss Frizzle was in the mix. That was nice. That's a big dress. I knew where that was going. The scuba diving episode. They editorialized Miss Frizzle a little bit.

Yeah. And what are you, you're still playing on the referee costume? No, no, because I don't, I don't, I'm shy. And I know that that doesn't sound, I was thinking about this. You're shy, man. Yeah, I am shy. And I think to make this costume funny, when the idea behind the costume was, I'd be like, uh, why are you laughing? Uh, nothing, nothing. Keep going. Okay. We'll come back to that. Okay. Uh,

The idea behind the costume is I'm an NFL referee. I do have like a little mini... Yeah, you're throwing party fouls. You're right. And I'm hitting people with the flag and calling party fouls. Yes. And I will say this has been done. It has? It's probably for 30 years. Okay. Then it's not original? It's original to you. But I'm not going to do it because, again, I just don't have the...

balls to go around and... I think you do. No, I don't. Well, this fucks me because I bought a referee outfit and I was going to be wearing it when you got there. No, are you serious? Yeah.

You're going to be so funny with me. It was Chris's idea to get a white hat, so I'd be the head official. I look for a white hat. So I could tell you what to do. Oh, he thought of this. You're a megalomaniac. I was like, I just wear a regular one. Megalomaniac. You're a power hungry pig. Power hungry pig. That's why you look at me. I mean, you know, it's just.

We were laughing so hard last night. You showed up in the black hat. Just white. Picking up flags. There's no flag. Overruled. I literally have it in my checkout thing. I think I'm just going to come as like Ben Franklin or something. That's not bad. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. It's good. It's a good way to mix in the spectacles. Oh, yeah. You can get some glasses on. Yeah. So.

I thought that. I thought that there was a George Washington one on Amazon. But then I felt like that might be kind of cunty to invite people to your house and then wear a fucking general's uniform and be like, welcome to my party. I'm the coolest guy of all time. I'm the most powerful man ever. I invented America. I like the idea of going all revolutionary. Yeah, all revolutionary clothing. I like it too. 1770s.

What were you laughing at earlier? I was laughing at that. Oh, yeah. Picking up the flag. Picking up the flag is so funny. In all fairness, I saw that referee. It's not like an original thought I had. I was in Maniunk, and this was like, this is going back 15 years. And you thought of it then? No. A guy ran down the street. It was like. You saw someone do it? Yeah.

He felt that a guy in a Spider-Man costume with a flag 15 yards from being an F. And it was just so funny. Yeah, that's killer. It was back when you could say it. We're bringing those back, dude. It's coming. Unless Chris has anything to say about it in 30 days. You fucking cow. What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about. I know what you're going to do. You know we're on the same side of that issue. How many votes are you going to put in this year?

You got about 20,000 last year. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to request. I've requested 20. The whole downstairs is full of ballots. Full of ballots. Yeah. I'm filling them out. Cat's name. Putting one in for May. Nice. That's funny. But hey, that was so crazy at the show. Yeah. Yeah. Chris standing up there. Chris killed. The show was sick. The show was awesome. That was the coolest thing ever. Watching you walk out in that place. Yep.

It's uncomfortable. It's too cool. I mean, from our vantage, the way that people saw you moving in the beginning and just started like rising up. Yeah, that was crazy. It was so sick.

Yeah, I had fun. It was surreal to watch. You were right. You told me that the round is better. Way better. Than a stage. Because all the sound hits you at the same time. Yeah, sometimes it can trick you. You're like, God damn, I'm killing. And then you get off stage and people are like, that was good. How do you think it went? Dude, that bothers me so much. How do you think it went? Yeah, how did you feel about it? I thought it was the best night of my life. I guess I was wrong. Yeah, it was awesome. That was a fun fucking night.

That was great. And Little Gerby Babies. I got to meet a pitcher. Yeah, that was awesome. You guys got to discuss pitching from the mound. Yeah, and then one of your buddies sold him like a gas tank. What? One of your buddies that was there? Yeah, from home? Yeah, yeah. Apparently like...

made a business deal with a pitcher from the phillies yeah yeah nice yeah he was they were talking like he was they were just talking for a while and strong was talking about going on some big drive and uh he was like oh you're gonna need a bigger tank for that you need a bigger tank gas tank i'll hook it up for oh oh he was like he's driving a truck yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he was one of the guys that was a mechanic at ardmore ed nice yeah it was awesome

I don't know if we should cut that out. No, that's totally fine. Look at that fucking cat, dude. What are you looking at? He's firing up. That's what I thought. That's nice. Yeah. Where's your gay cat? At my gay house. Does it do anything gay? She's an outdoorsman. Oh, she's into outdoor. She's got like a whole backyard. I made her a garden.

This guy needs to go outside. Very badly. They'd keep him in. He's a giant. He'd be a fucking problem out there. He'd get fucked up by the groundhog outside would decimate him. He could run away from a groundhog. He thinks he's ready for outside, but he's not. You guys are ruining this boy's life. No.

All he has to do is he has a chair to play with. Let him go outside. He's a big dog. All day he wants to go outside. He's full. Yeah. James is the best ever. Let him out. I could watch that all day. Instead of podcasting, I could watch Chris play with the cat.

what time you got to be in earlier tomorrow i do what time do you have to go in tomorrow uh i think 6 45. oh yeah that's not what time are you 11. dang yes brother i'm still gonna try and go to the y tonight and work out really yeah you've been working out during this i have yeah yeah occasionally did you work out yesterday you better not no all right good no so i i would have a problem with that yeah i was under the weather yesterday i know you were sure yeah

I thought you were going to die. A little disease spell. We were laughing so hard last night because your face, like you lost all your blood in your face. Yeah. Your face was ghostly white and you had that shit on. I got so scared. At one point you looked at me like...

and i was like holy shit like i was even watching you during a scene to be like he's gonna hate the way this one comes out he's gonna look fucking terrified i don't know if anybody's had this where you're just like your hearing cuts out and uh it's like pop and then and that's normal i've had that happen before and i was just typically i'm standing up it happened i was sitting down and then i just got crazy vertigo and i was like sitting next to john like squeezing his arm like

It was scary. Yeah. And yeah, then it was all right. Well, it looked like it was because you were upset about what you were wearing. That's what made it so funny. Yeah, you seemed grumpy about it. The way you walked in, it just was like, yeah. Yeah. Well, it's a lot of like, first of all, the wig is very hot. And then it takes a long time to put it on.

A lot of fussing about it. Does that bother you? I thought you'd like getting fussed over. You love the makeup chair, bro. I'm not a big fan of all that because it's also like they put in... You know, you've had it. It's just not the most comfortable thing. But the fussing... You're constantly eating fake hair. It's in your mouth. It's not even fake hair. It's real hair. Yeah, yeah. It's another person's hair. Yeah. That grosses you out? Yes.

Yeah, it's disgusting. What are you talking about? Other people's hair in your mouth? Of course. Yeah, it's never really bothered me. How often does that happen? Not a ton. But if I get like hair in the food, I just take it out and keep it. Yeah, take it out and keep eating. Some people will lose their minds over that stuff. Like the whole thing. Would you? I thought for sure you'd love the hair and makeup. Ah, no. No.

I don't know. You love the photographers coming in? I might be over it. I don't know. I don't know. I change. I change. I didn't used to be a shy person, and you beat that out of me. Why? You're great. I'm just kidding. I'm trying to make you less shy. Yeah, no, I know you are. I'm trying my best to let you... I can show you the world. He would have killed it well as far as I know. No, no, I don't have it yet. I'm working on it.

You would have enjoyed it. You would have really enjoyed it. You would have fun. Yeah. I had fun watching you guys. That was so cool. It really was. Yeah. It really was. And even just, you know, you're like, wow. You know, we were driving. Like, Julie and I were driving down. And we were just, like, driving. And she's like, there's, like, teams of guys coming to watch. Yeah, it's crazy. In a van drinking beers. Yeah. And we're like, this is all Shane. Like, we are in Shane traffic. All right, all right. Yeah, yeah. I got there and people were tailgating. And I was like, oh, fuck.

Crowds are going to be fucking out of control. And they weren't. They were. They were good. Good guys. They were great. Yeah. I've been surprised by all the shows. I mean, I haven't been that many, but the ones that I have been in that size, close to that size, everyone's like in their seats and ready to go. Yeah. It's crazy. I'll do like a minor league hockey arena in some small town. Dudes get rowdy. There's some fights up in the balconies and shit. Yeah. Yeah. You just see that. That's fun.

A fight up in the balcony. Yeah. It's just old time hockey. It's fun. That was the first time I ever saw that. I remember when I was in hockey camp in Toronto going into the, like, whatever skating rink we were doing this, whatever at. It was like a goalie camp.

And they were just dudes fresh off of just beer league. And it was like me and my dad walking in. And they were just chirping at us and talking shit and just crushing beers sitting on the back of their cars and stuff. That's awesome. Yeah, throwing beer cans. Nice. It was crazy. They can sense the Connecticut Dandies. The Connecticut Dandies are here for hockey. Yeah.

That was the old Canada. That was a big wake-up call. That was back in the day. Oh, apparently they're still up there. There's the Patriots left. Yeah, I found them. Yeah, they formed that big wagon train. Yeah. What else is going on? Anything cool? Unfortunately, all the cool stuff is like the show, and that's so much of life. The show is cool, yeah. Yeah. It's like 14 hours a day, and then you're just going to come home. It's true. You've been good, though.

in the show oh really thank you so much yeah you've been good you haven't been grumpy on set yet not really not really it was one day that was nothing there's sometimes though like last year i think we'd be done by now yeah basically yeah fuck we should have gone back with that what the fuck are we doing we had it we'll just do a month yeah just get done like we did last time we'd be done with it we could be done

Just churn it out. We still have fucking forever. We do. We've got a long ways to go. But... You have been less grumpy. You've been less grumpy. Hey, I don't think I was super grumpy last time. You're a bit of a power-hungry pig again. Power-hungry pig? You stop saying that. Everyone's going to think it's totally true. No one believes me. Okay, thank God. No, they do. What was I going to say? I mean, I'm not wrong, but... Oh, what was I going to say?

You were going to say this year's better. No, I was going to say, yes. Obviously biased, but we saw a cut. Yeah. I'm so excited for everybody to see this. Yeah. Yeah. I really am. I know that that's like a thing that people say, but boy, is this fun. I think it has been. What's your favorite? None of that. I just like your enthusiasm. It's fun. I would never talk that way. It's nice to hear that. Okay. Yeah. I'm not trying to be, you know. I'm going to get you on a late night TV show this year.

I'm going to pants you on Jimmy Fallon this year. You know what? I've decided what I'm going to do. If you do that, I'm just going to say compliments about you. That's effectively pantsing you. I'm going to be like... Stop. He put me in this show. He could have been in any show he wanted to. You're going to make me cry on Jimmy Fallon? That would be a good revenge.

Just with your pants around your ankles? Yeah. Just complimenting? You ever see that... I think it's Mark Summers and Burt Reynolds on a late night show where they...

I forget. Mark Summers is like a Nicola. It's literally you and me on a... Okay. He's like, it starts... He's talking about his marriage, and Burt Reynolds is like, shut the fuck up. And he's like, me and my wife are still together. And the crowd's like, oh. And he like throws his water on him. Anyway, they get in a fight. Wait, Burt Reynolds throws his water on Mark Summers? Yeah. And then they're like, all right, fellas, let's settle this with a pie contest. Or like they turn around and pie each other.

Burt Reynolds hooks him in the face like as hard as he can. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Anyway, that's what's going to happen. And Mark Summers is like a hypochondriac, isn't he? I don't know anything about Mark Summers. He's probably terrified of that pie. Yeah.

I think he's like a real neat freak. How do you know about Mark Summers? I met him once. What? Yeah. I tried to shake his hand. Oh, is that how you came up with that? He blew by you and your dad was like, he's afraid of germs. The guy from Nickelodeon doesn't hate you. I met him as an adult. And I tried to shake his hand. Where? He did a show at Good Good once. Nice. Actually, no. It wasn't there. It was at some other thing. That is now a very famous golf channel.

Good good. Oh, yeah, yeah YouTube because yeah I ruined that No, we love golf, okay, it's good Billy's talking about doing goes out there. Yeah, I mean that could really you know unite the clans Golf's fun. We all agree golf's fun. He's got a cool vibe to him Billy. Yeah. Yeah, he's cool guy. Oh

Cool clothes. You wish you could wear those cool clothes? Of course I do. You could wear those cool clothes. He's got the amount of necklaces that I would like to wear. I would like you to wear those necklaces. No. I sent Shane a picture of me wearing the Jewish one that we talked about last time. Oh, I want to see it. He was like, I'm going to kill you. You're not even Jewish. No. I know. I know. You're fraud. Yeah. When are you going to get back into Judaism?

Like I said, maybe deathbed. I don't know. Really? You think he'd put up a Hail Mary? Yes. Did you get the mitzvah and all that stuff? Yeah, yeah. All right, so you've done all the things. Yeah. You're in the... Chris is looking at the photo now. Damn. Looks pretty good on you. It does look pretty good. It does make you look actually extremely Jewish. I never think of you as Jewish until I respond with that. Yeah, yeah. I was like, my bad. That was a little too much. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good pro-Israel Twitter biopic. And you are very pro-Israel. That's too complicated for me to have an opinion on. I want everybody to be safe. Yep. World safety. World safety. I'm up for that, too. So how did the rest of Friday night go?

After the show. Oh, it was good. Just kind of hung out, drank. Went to Bonner's, drank some more. Brian Regan showed up. Yeah, Brian Regan showed up. That was cool. He's fantastic. It was an exciting time, and then I realized I was too drunk.

I got the wobbles a little, and I was like, all right, I need to leave, but I would still like to argue with Chris in front of everyone. So I'd be like, all right, I'm going to go home. I got to go home. And I'd be like, Chris, just admit Russian collusion. Just admit collusion was wrong. Just say it. And I'm also fucked up, so I took a bait. Oh, we had a good battle, except Chris was outnumbered 10 to 1. Yeah. Wow. I was bringing all...

Billy was there. I got to just summon Billy. Billy, handle this because I can't really talk. Billy wound up going, I don't give a shit about any of this. It's interesting because I called him on the way over here and he was like, Chris is a pussy. In your driveway. That's what he was saying about you. Oh, that's so nasty. Why would he say that? Because I was like, I got nothing. You got to give me something to talk about.

Yeah. He was like CEO of Abercrombie and Fitch is a fucking pedophile. I got that. That almost goes without saying. Yeah, I guess it was. What's his name? Lex Wexner was his money guys. The same as Epstein. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Wexner is the Victoria's Secret guy. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, anyway, the next topic. Someone was saying that the other day. Where is Ghislaine Maxwell? No one knows. Were you saying that? I was saying it because I was listening to Tim Dillon. Oh, yeah. Which is one of the best. Listen to Tim Dillon. He's hilarious. It's so good. I told you, like, the one thing, I think it was with. But let's go back to the collusion thing, though, because that was the other topic. Can you just admit that that was kind of a false narrative? We were out. No, I stand by that. You think that was real?

Well, it depends which version you think they were accusing him of. But I think everything in the Mueller report, I think everything in the steel dossier that ended up getting the Clinton's got. I don't stand by that. But everything in the Mueller report, I stand by. But do you think it's OK for a political candidate to use the intelligence agencies to accuse another candidate?

of being a Russian spy and then using that, putting it in the media and letting them talk about it for four years unchecked with almost no edits. No fucking sorry we made mistakes. It didn't help that, what's his name? You think that's okay? Trump Jr. I'm just wondering if you think that's okay. He admitted it. I actually grew up middle class. That's how you answer questions. You are Kambala.

No, Trump Jr. admitted it during the campaign. He said we are Russian spies. Yeah, they were like, you guys tried to meet with Russia to get dirt on Hillary, and he released the emails. Oh, they tried to or they did? They tried to, yeah. Well, they wound up not having the meeting. Oh, that's good. So they didn't do it. No, no, no. So wait, he ended up not killing his wife, so he is not a murderer. No, no, no. He ended up not doing that crime. No, no, no.

We're out of topics. We can just talk politics. Or Steve's jacking off habits. I don't have anything new about the jacking off. That's alright. You don't have to. You can think of something new. What do you think about this whole Russian collusion thing here? I don't know nearly enough about it. I think somebody was arrested though from... Hey, if somebody gets arrested then they're definitely guilty. That was another argument.

But wasn't the person that was claiming that there was Russian collusion was actually colluding with Russia? Yeah. Yeah, there was a couple of those. It's just crazy. It's ridiculous. Yeah. I don't know. They got, yeah. To me, the most alarming thing is the, and not that I know nearly enough about it, but the prosecution of Trump in New York for trying to get a loan and claiming that his building was worth more money.

than what I guess... Yeah. Is that the Mar-a-Lago one? And the government was like, that's worth $5 million. Yeah. The Mar-a-Lago one was hilarious. I guess there was a bunch... Yeah, I didn't see the Mar-a-Lago one. Even though, through my understanding... I don't keep enough track of anything. ...it also ran its own... You conveniently stopped paying attention. Yeah.

Well, how much... You're the little kid that quits when he's losing in Xbox. No, no, no, I'm not. You turn that... No, I'm not. Actually, you were winning and you go, all right, we're done. Turn it off. Turn it off. Biden won. Trump's going to jail. Turn the game off. Biden did win. You don't think Biden won? I think he did win. Yeah. I mean, he won. Yeah. You think there was malfeasance? Who knows? Do I think... No. I think there was some...

Some unrest in the country that seemed to be beneficial to one side. I will say this about... I was thinking about this the other day. I will say this about Trump. The thing that I really do like about Trump is that he's kind of doing exactly what you'd actually want a candidate to do, which is like he's...

His campaign and all the stuff that he does hasn't been affected at all by some of the trivial bullshit that can normally nuke someone's campaign. And he is, in spite of his party hating him for the most part...

Just going to the people and using them to obliterate anyone who disagrees. It's almost like a democracy. I just disagree with everything else that he's doing. But it is what you want a guy... It's what a politician, I guess. No, I feel like... That uses votes? I don't know. No, but it feels like there's more deal-making...

And then like the kind of the powers that be sort of like a line around a person and like, and build them up and funnel money into them versus this really does feel like he was a powers that be just get rid of the current president and say, you're out. We're not even going to have a primary. You are the president. It's the vice president's next man up. If the president's dead. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Oh,

He's pretty close. Yeah. He's pretty close. I think they're going to threaten. What amendment is it? The 25th? 26th? What is the amendment where the president's unfit? 23rd? 25th? Something. 25th. I don't know. One of those. I guess they apparently threatened him with that if he didn't agree to stop running this year and let Kamala run, which is interesting because he's still the president. Right. Right.

So I guess they didn't believe it. Who knows? He's doing, yeah. I'm just going to go with whoever Dick Cheney and Liz Cheney would be. You know? Yeah. They brought us through the darkness once before. Yeah, yeah.

They picked us up at a 9-11. Where are you, coward? You going to let me do all this? I was on the whole... You got a 9-11. You tossed one in. That was my sis. I did. I wasn't even done. I was going to go do the whole Shark Tank guy. What's the Shark Tank guy? He was like, if we prosecute for people like this, New York's going to come to a total standstill.

Because this is like common practice. Yeah. And inflating the value of your property for loans and then deflating them for taxes. Yeah. And but the bank also ran their own whatever you would call it, appraisal of that building. So it wasn't even like they just took what he said. It's just what he was saying. Yeah. And they still gave him a loan. He paid it back. And then you're going to arrest him.

And that feels like... Maybe a political persecution? I don't know. In a real scary way. It is the hard part that I am dumb and don't know anything. That's the hard part. That's also the real hard part. I'm sure there's somebody that's skewering me right now. They don't know anything either. They're listening to this.

They're dumb guys that don't know anything. Yeah. Yeah. We could be on some, you never know. That's just what I feel like is the pushback to Democrats, which is like this, the idea that you've got to let smart people just handle it. It's like, but then you create a precedent for something that you won't like down the road. Like for instance, with Obama,

Sort of the bombing, the indiscriminate bombing, I suppose. The bombings. There's the Jewish son. It's just bombings, the indiscriminate bombings, I suppose.

I think he's violating walls. And it's like, well, it's Obama. It's like, yeah, sure. Okay, fine. I might trust him. But then you're setting a precedent that anybody else can be, you know. Yeah. Yeah. And. Kimbombla. Kimbombla is coming. World War III is coming. Those are my favorite, like, memes. It's like Call of Duty footage. And it's like me and the boys in the Battle of Beijing 2027. Yeah.

Because Taylor Swift told our fucking dumb girlfriends to vote for Kamala Harris. We're all in a fucking boat in Taiwan. Fuck. Is he saying Kimbobla? No. That's just you? That was me. You like that one? Kimbobla? Stop giving me credit for your average shit. Hey!

You know, when I was talking about you today, I was like, you know who is incredibly good with puns and you hide it even though I know you know it. He's smiling. It's crazy. Your pun game. Cut it out. Okay. Kirby's cut it out. About that. Chris, do you acknowledge that? Do you acknowledge that that happens? Yeah, yeah. I've seen it. Chris has been around. Chris has been around. Yeah, yeah. I've been on the receiving end of quite a few of them. But I was about the us being dumb thing.

I was, uh, I was thinking about that in the car today where I was like, man, I wish people thought I was like really smart. And then I was thinking about how bad it would be if people thought I was really smart. Yeah. If people were coming to me with like real problems and being like, you're the only one who can set up that, you got to set that death ray up in my house. I can't set the death ray up.

That's the kind of problem I can solve. You're good at that. If you got a death ray, I can set it up. I'm going to need you on that. What is a death ray? I bought a 10-foot-tall fucking skeleton robot for the party. It's going to be exciting. A giant alien that looks around. I'm never going to put that thing together. Do you need a ladder for it? No. Paws? I'll get on my hands and knees. Stand on my back. We'll be good. There's no way.

No, you got to build it on the ground and fucking set it up. Or it's like one of those things where you like pull a string in the studio. I don't know how the fuck they build the pyramids. You and me came and figured out the logistics of the Spirit Halloween death ray. People are going to be, they're going to watch this. Spirit Halloween death ray sales are going to go through the roof. I walked into Spirit Halloween and I said, I have to have it. And then I got to the register and I found out how much it cost and it was not worth bringing it back. I was like, fuck.

This is a terrible purchase. Dude, it makes galactic, terrifying galactic noises. Yeah, it turns out it's more of an alien than a spooky ghost, but that's fine. Look at this guy. Ten feet tall. Whoa, that's cool. You're going to like it. Yeah. You're going to like what's going on over at my house. Okay. That's going to scare the goats. It is. I am worried about the goats.

They're going to get hit with the galactic death ray. The neighbor's goats are going to have so much to put together on the fucking death ray. Dude, look at this. We're ruined. Oh, man. You're going to do great. And you don't need a ladder. It's 10 feet tall. I'm going to bring my mountain bike over to your place at one point. You told me this. Yeah. You're not going to be riding it around on my property. All right, fine. Please don't park across the street.

You don't want to see that? Obviously, I want them riding around. You don't want to see. There's some holes in those. No, you're right. I know. I was running around on it. It ran up that one hill. There's some holes. I don't want to hurt myself. I would wear a lot of protection. You would make fun of it. It's something that, like, again. What kind of protection do you wear? When I mountain bike, I wear, like, knee and. It's a great exercise. It's a great exercise.

It's like hockey shin guards. Yeah, because if you the pedals, if you have like a pedal, if your foot slides off, it slams your shin. It happened once. What about it? It really hurts. What about upper body elbow pads? And then I wear like full face helmet and you wear the full face. Yeah, I'm bad with the goggles. Yeah, I have to.

I have to because otherwise my contact dries out. It's too much, but you know what? I have fun, and I haven't gotten hurt yet. No, that's awesome. Yeah, it's really cool. Shut up. No, I swear. Please do. When I go to Harmony Hill, I bike there, and a lot of times guys will be like, where are the jumps? And I'm like, there's no jumps. It's just I'm bad. Because full face, you're typically going over jumps. Yeah, they think you're catching air. Right. You just got to tell them, go back. You got to go deep in there. Oh, shit.

Oh, you have a cow on your lap. Oh, that's very adorable. Have you ever gone mountain biking, Chris? Not like, not formally. I've had a mountain bike and I've gone on some trails.

I've got Tito up here. Hi, buddy. Hi. That's good. Good to see you. Run. Run. I do want you to bring that. All right. Yeah, that'd be nice. Just find some berms. I'd like to see you in pads riding a bike around my property. Did I tell you that last Halloween? It's not that big. You're going to do a lap pretty quick. Yeah, I guess. It'll be very fun. I was, like, I did, I liked sort of practicing in my street right outside my driveway. You know, like, I have a code set up. Set up what? What?

Go and set up? Yeah, like cone set up to do slalom to like practice your weight shift on the bike. On your bike. Yeah. Your neighbors see you do this. And so last Halloween, I was handing out candy. And then these kids come in like, how's the bike going? I'm like, good, good, good. You're ashamed of it. They're trying to be nice. So ashamed. They're so embarrassed.

But yeah, I'm committed to it. So the kids see it, which means them and their parents sit in the window and laugh. Yeah, and watch me. Have you fallen off the cone? No. How fast are you going? It feels fast. It's probably incredibly slow. I bet you're fine.

I bet you're flying. I showed you that picture of me trying to bunny hop. I barely got off the ground because I think you got to go the video. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have the speed. I could never bunny hop. I could never ollie. I could never ollie either. I could never figure. Oh, yeah. It sucked. Yeah. It sucked. It was really because, you know, you wanted to bully skater kids and then not being able to ollie. I just wanted to be able to ollie. Yeah. You didn't want to bully anyone. No. You're a sweetheart. Thanks. I bet. Yeah.

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Yeah. I had a long drive. And a fight about Halloween costumes. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that. How many more times do you think you'll have that fight before the day comes? We'll see how Halloween goes. No, I genuinely actually don't care. Yeah. It's just more of a...

Might be weird. Yeah. You might want to have a backup. Yeah. Which I think they're going to because it's probably going to be cold. Yeah. Sweatpants. Hoodie. I'll be there. Yeah. So here's a cloak. I'll be on a quarterback jacket on the sidelines. Yeah. We'll all go as mages.

I've got to have something. Any fun Halloween stories? You go trick-or-treating? I told you I went trick-or-treating the one year when I was a Philadelphia Eagle. Yeah. And I saw...

And then I saw it was, you know, like a split house, you know, the way the stair, well, whatever. Door opens up. Guy is coming down the steps. He's in a full gorilla costume. And I remember seeing his hand go into like the glove of the costume. And I was just telling myself, like, it's a man. It's not a real gorilla. It's a man. And then he started walking at me. And I just like turned around and started crying and running as fast as I could. Full eagles. Yeah.

sprinting away yeah how old were you i don't know that was i was probably five my brother was urkel that year whoa oh did he go the distance he went the distance no not the distance no no but he would he would like perform it you you had the little unicef things and he'd be like yeah they put it in like do you have any cheese did he want the face paint no i never even came up

damn thank god because that could have easily happened you could have back then people were like yeah fuck it of course yeah you do the whole car i was dice man that one year that was the superhero i created oh i thought you meant you went as dice clay i was like no no no no you went as dice man that's right i one year went as a prisoner that was second grade i had a distance on the prisoners because then it might be racist

you gotta make it believable yeah and uh i had a big crush on my second grade teacher and she was also dressed as a prisoner so we walked around the school yeah and that that was incredible she one time i came in in the morning she was like i drove by your house i guess your house the other day because i saw you outside shooting baskets because i was like playing basketball with my brother after school and for like a month

I just played basketball every day. Just waiting for it. Just hoping she'd drive by and see. It's just like total Huck Finn stuff. You know, like doing cartwheels in front of the... Did you ever have a crush on a teacher? Yeah. What was her name? We had an Australian exchange teacher, and I loved her. Fourth grade, I spoke with an Australian accent.

The entire school year. Really? I loved her. Oh, my God. Did you ever share a moment with her? I mean, we got ice cream. That's nice. But there was a couple other fucking cock blocks. A couple other fourth graders trying to cock block me. I feel like I was so bad at school, I knew better. A teacher was unattainable for me. I never had a crush. Every interaction I had with a teacher was a fight or just bad news. I never...

Yeah. Yeah. You were bad in school. Terrible. Like you're the whole time. The whole time. You were dumb in like fifth grade. Yeah. That's tough. Not even dumb. Just, I just never did any of the work. Yeah. Yeah. I just, I like, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in class. I couldn't,

That's fucked up. Yeah. The whole thing just bothered me. And then every once in a while, when I really got back against the wall, I'd put together a good semester or something. But it was always... My entire life was just terrible. It's kind of surprising. Yeah. You're not dumb. Yeah. Maybe you are dumb. This has been our entire friendship. I'm like, Chris is smart.

And I hear shit like this. I'm like, you were dumb in fourth grade. You know how you have to actually be dumb. I just don't. It's a lack of discipline. You have to actually be dumb. That's crazy. Well, I was never like at risk of failing out or anything like that. No, but just being like, I'm not doing that. Yeah, I just couldn't.

Dude, I remember taking just like the multiplication tests. Yeah. You know what I mean? Where you just do like as many as you, 60 problems, do as many as you can in a minute. Yeah, the mad minute. The mad minute. And I like, I just remember by number two, I was like, you're going too slow. You're never going to get to 60. And then it would just like, it just turned into like, I would just beat the living shit out of myself until 15, 20. Yeah. Yeah.

It was like, it was that thing. I feel like I have the same problem too when I like, when I try to remember something and like my, if it doesn't come to me right away, I start going like, oh my God, you can't remember anything. You're going to like, and all I'm thinking about is not remembering. Oh, well, like lines in a show. Yeah, yeah. That's impossible. But even just people's names, people's names. You're like, what the fuck did I get? All right, I'm good. Yeah.

Fuck! It's so embarrassing. The worst is when it's something you think you're like, in your head, you're like, I got that. Yeah. Walking into a room and be like, hey. Yeah. Then you have to do it. I mean, I guess that's what acting is, but. I know. It's hard, dude. You walk in, you're like. Yeah.

Start over. I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, everyone. I suck. Yeah. And you're like thinking about how you're going to be reacting to their mind, but instead you're just thinking of what your life is. Or you react way too early. Yeah.

We should put together that instead of a blooper reel. Just how bad we all are at acting. It must be insane fucking clips. I know. John constantly having to say, slow down. Oh, dear. To hear what they're saying. It's the worst feeling. When, like, this person's not even done their line yet, and you're looking at the other person ready for them to talk. Yeah, it sucks. God. It's also funny how much better John is at acting than all of us. I know, I know. I'm like, John, how do I do it again? He's like...

I'm like, all right, I'll do it. Fuck. And it's the first thing that pops into my head the moment I fuck up is like, I just imagine John like behind that, just like. Yeah. Yeah. Kirby's. What else is going on there? Not much. Again, I apologize for being so boring. We're all boring. Yeah. It's, you know, kind of wake up. I go to my trailer. Oh, so. Oh, God. Well, as a joke ish, kind of.

A joke to yourself, by yourself? No, okay, it wasn't a joke. I do like the song. You're a big man. I put on, you know, the trailers have Bluetooth, so you can put your music on. Yeah, yeah. So I was listening to... I hadn't figured that out yet. I didn't know that. I'm in there eating a bucket of scrambled eggs. I asked the guy, he was like, what do you want for breakfast? I was like, scrambled eggs. That was on the menu. He gave me...

every side was scrambled it was all scrambled egg there was no like potatoes or like i thought it was a meal right it was he put they put scrambled eggs in every pocket of the that's hilarious tray yeah i got 10 pounds of scrambled eggs with nothing no ketchup just anyway that was funny yeah

That was the worst thing in a golf story. I had a lot of eggs once. It was a comical amount of eggs, yeah. It was a crazy amount of eggs. And he knew it was crazy. He said it. He said scrambled eggs.

When I went to the catering thing, everyone was like, that's a ton of eggs. You got to feel for that guy, too. It's for Shane. He's eating fucking 20 eggs before he films. Yeah. I like the idea that he's like screaming at the runner. What the fuck am I supposed to do? What the fuck is this? You want to hand him a bucket full of fucking eggs? Yeah, he'll eat it. Look at him. He'll eat a box of eggs right now.

I was late one day. I get a call. Hold on. What were you listening to in that trailer? Big Time. Big Time by Peter Gabriel. Yeah. Wearing his robe. No. I was not wearing the robe. And when they put the robe in there, I said... Were you dancing a little? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that song. I grew up in a small town. Everybody has small town ideas. Not me. I'm big time. That was you.

You're big time. Yeah. I just imagine you sliding around like Tom Cruise in that trailer. That's what I'm saying. I kind of am a little big time right now with, you know, Shane and whatever. Okay. So anyway, I get a call and she was like, oh, just checking to see where you are. And I'm like, I'm on my way there. I thought I was supposed to be there at 830. She's like, no. Or it was like 730. She's like, no, you're supposed to be there at like seven. Shit. And then I'm just thinking, I hope Shane isn't there.

You know? Yeah. And by pulling in, I see his car. I'm like, fuck. So then I ran. It wasn't like a far away run. I ran just to like, he can't even see me walking at this hour. And I come into the hair and makeup trailer and,

And the first thing Allie says, she's like, oh, she's like, yesterday Steve came in here and was like, I'm having such a good hair day. I was like, Allie, shut up. I have to tell everyone. You were having a good hair day. We're having nothing but private conversations when I talk to you. These don't get related. I don't like hearing these stories about you. That you're this confident. Like, what are you doing? I like to have a good time. You don't? What?

What? You hate having a good time. No, I like to have different times of good times than you have. You know what I mean? He hates a good time. He hates a crowded good time. And I love a good time during the day outside. Yeah, you should know. By myself. Yeah, that's fun. With guys that don't talk a lot. I would love to see Steve forcing you to mountain bike.

can't happen i mean the bike could be i like that'd be fun but i will say i might i would like to join i would like to go out with you and some strangers and golf and golf i'd love to go with you are they hey there is a lady you could go out she's so at the at the country club what do you mean at the country club you say there's a terrible woman there's a there is one terrible and everybody's told me this person is terrible

And I had a run-in with her. Yeah. And she was just like really aggressive and rude. There was a frost delay. So everybody was kind of in the clubhouse. And she's like, oh, you're that guy from Netflix.

I saw you in a golf cart playing too slow, parked too close to the ground. I was like, what are you talking about? Really? Yeah. I was like, I play faster than you. And then she's like, no, you don't. She's just rude. You're getting country club fights. You are Mr. Big time. Well, apparently this one has been kicked out of previous country clubs. Really? Yeah. So anyway. You don't have a permanent record? Why are they accepting these people? This one is corporate owned. So the other one was like owned by its members. This one's corporate owned. So it's apparently harder to remove her.

But anyway, this one guy was overhearing it and we were talking and then went up to the driving range and he comes up and I'm telling everybody about this woman. Everybody's piping in with their own stories about her. And then he goes, yeah, Steve had that interaction. Then he asked for her number and it just crushed. Everybody was laughing. Just the guys at the country club. But yeah, she's something else, man.

She's a battle ax. She is a battle ax. Me and her are going to join forces. I'm going to burn that country club to the ground. They're going to be so happy if you come. I'm just going to come and ruin your... Let's get a foursome. No, I don't want you to ruin it. Two strangers. Who are your buddies? Yeah, I have two buddies. Get your best buddies to come with us. Okay. I'm going to drink an entire case of beer. Puke on the country club. On the green. Puke everywhere.

That's funny. Did you park too close to the green? No. Not even a little? She's just making stuff up now. She definitely is making stuff up. She just out of nowhere accused you of made up stuff. She accused everyone of stuff. No, I don't park too close to the green. No.

rules oriented was it was it pass only that day chris was it was it pass only no i don't know everywhere if it's passed only she's a crazy person i have no idea what day she was talking about were you on the path again what day i don't know oh yeah she didn't say today no she just said she saw you the other day

Parked. Hey, Netflix. I saw you. She said, hey, Netflix. And you chirped back. I did, and I regretted it immediately. Nice. Yeah. I mean, I'm proud of you for chirping back. Thank you. Yeah. You should do a staggered start.

You start first or she starts first. I don't care. Just be on her ass. And just, yeah. And see who plays. Hit balls at her. See who plays faster. Try to hit her with a golf ball. I'll send her a message. Dust her off the plate a little. Give her a little. A little gin music. You want to go? Come on.

Yeah. Can you do that? Can you find a particular slot after her and try to play through her just to demonstrate your pace of play? I've never thought about that. Have you seen her? What's that? Can she hit the wall? I have never seen her.

Physically? She's probably good, dude. She's been getting kicked out of country clubs. She obviously plays a lot. She's probably nice. What does she look like? Is she older? She is. How old? If you had to guess. I'd have to guess 60. Not as old as I thought. Not old enough to be crazy. Yeah. Given the stories, I thought I was going to see a very old, demented woman. And it was like 60-ish. Put together? No. No.

Big dog. Big dog. Yeah, dog dog. She's going wild. Yeah, I would have... If she was hot, this would be nice. She was hot. This would have a totally different vibe. Yeah, you would have gone, yes, mommy, I'm sorry, mommy. Yeah. You want to play together? Yeah. And you're saying the car girls are ugly. You said that car girls... I didn't say they were ugly! I didn't say they were ugly!

No! You told me all the cart girls were ugly. No, I didn't! You stupid! Dude, I didn't do any of that. Talk about this lady. Wait, hold on a second. Go ahead. You said the cart girls left a lot to be desired. And I said, what do you mean? You said that they're not hot. Oh my God!

You said all the guys at the country club laugh. They say the girls are ugly. I didn't say anything. Why are you acting like this if you didn't say it? Did I say it? I don't know. Maybe you did. That's the problem with corporate ownership. Are the car girls hot there? I don't know. Have you never seen them? I try not to look too much because, you know, I'm 41 now. You know, I don't like being that guy. It's like, oh, did you see that snapper or whatever it is? You know?

Who the fuck calls it snapper? This guy that used to run Chuckles Comedy Club. He's like that waitress. You can see her snapper if she wants. So you respect the car girls? Yeah, I try. You don't even look at them? I just say I go like this. But when you look at them, you would tell pretty quickly if they were attractive or not. Yeah.

Are they attractive? I don't have great vision. No, no! This is going to get out at the country club. No, don't do that. I would love to take this country club from you. You're going to. You're going to have to get me into a real nice one. They're going to have a meeting at the club. The big dogs are going to be there and the ugly car girls. We've got to get the big dog out. That's what I was saying. It's a country club full of attorneys. We can't get this person out. There's a lot of attorneys there.

I like the idea that you show up on Saturday and all the car girls are hot. Yeah, we heard Mr. Big Time doesn't like how attractive the girls are. We're about to lose them. They never have Uncrustables. They don't have Uncrustables? Never. Have you ever had one? You've never had one? No, I've had them. They never stock them. At the country club? At the country club. Are they supposed to? Yeah.

I thought it was all just like nuts and pretzels and stuff. No, no, they have Uncrustables, so they never stock them. Oh, so the Uncrustables are gone. It's probably the big dog. It's probably the big dog gets there early. I'll tell you what. If you come and we get paired with the big dog, I'm drinking with you. Yes. That I would do. How come you can't drink? Because I love golf. It's just like I don't want to. I love it.

And I don't want to be buzzed doing it. Yeah, you don't want to disrespect the game. It's not even disrespected. You just want to play your best. Yeah. And it just, I feel like a kid again. One or two might loosen you up. I know. I've heard that from a lot of people. A lot of fucking alcoholics. Yeah.

There's a frost delay and people are like, well, I guess I'm having a Long Island Ice too. It's like, damn. Yeah, well, you got to at nine, at the turn, you got to reevaluate every time. This thing's not going anywhere. 65 through nine. You got to mix it up.

Yeah, she was like, she's saying something. No one talked about her game at all? No, nobody talked about the game yet, but apparently she plays fast. She can play. If they're all calling her a piece of shit and not one person was like, yeah, and she sucks, she's probably good. Do you guys have a tournament? Yeah. When? I don't know. I think it's past, but yeah, we do. Oh, give me the date. I'm going to turn that into the waste management. I'm going to

I'm going to bring 2,000 dudes and scream the whole tournament. I keep forgetting how popular the podcast is. Yeah, you could bring people out. We could have a nice meeting. We could have a dog's meet up at your country club tournament. Oh, my God. Is it going to be... Make it public.

All right, next year. Just the ugly fucking car girls serving us? They're not ugly. I would not know. I've never seen them. I didn't even know there were car girls. You don't know about car girls? They're pretty great. I didn't know. I didn't know about that. They're usually beautiful queens. I always thought the pros just handled the cars. By beautiful queens, I mean very young. Oh, yeah. High school kids? Yeah, now that I'm saying it, I take it back. That's why I'm trying. Now that I'm saying it, I take it back. Yeah, because lots of them are like high school. Oh, man. You're calling high school girls ugly?

It's impressive. No. I'm saying I don't even know if they're attractive or ugly, given. Yeah. You don't even look. Yeah. I nod. I say whatever. Excuse me, do you have a crossables? No. You're an ugly bitch. I'm going to tell everyone you guys are ugly. Hey.

bitch doesn't even have an uncrustable oh fuck i shanked it great oh man i'd love to see out there i'd love to go with you because i'm gonna fuck it up for you and you're gonna get unreasonably angry i would be reasonably angry if you fucked it up you know it's fun to make a score i love like the tension of it i don't think give me putts i love like making everything yeah yeah

I understand the thrill of it. Yeah. You're like, ooh, I can almost beat my best scorer. When I was playing with those old ladies, I was about, I was coming, if I had parred the last hole, I was going to shoot an 80. Damn. And then I quadruple bogeyed you. Oh, really? Yeah. You choked. I choked so hard. I know I talked about it briefly. Did they know? Did they know the stakes? They knew.

I tell everybody that I'm playing with what's going on, so it builds attention. What did they say to you after you quadruple bogeyed the last hole? Oh, you couldn't find it. Because, like, you know, I obviously hit one OB. Yeah.

It was just you and old women golfing? Yeah. You were charming them, weren't you? They were charming me. You were charming them. And we were having the time. That's your type of fun. It was so great. Yeah. They were so nice. They would just like keep poking the ball forward. I love that. And then just worm burners. Yeah. Yeah. And there's one hole that's like really hard. I got on the green too. And she turned to me. She was like, where'd you go? I was like, I'm on the green. She's like, woohoo. Woohoo.

I was like, yes. They were just... Isn't that nice? That's wholesome fun. I think it's great. That's wholesome fun. Yeah. And then you went home and pounded your cock. Smut porn you find on Reddit. You fucking deviant. I like porn. It's the duality of man. It really is the duality. You're out there like, oh, wahoo, I got a nice score. I found a new genre. I'm fucking subreddit. Oh, man.

Do you ever look at thumbnails and think, oh, that's for later? Yeah. Yeah.

Because usually you might have that idea of like, oh, that's for later. Like you're saying next beat or we're going to keep this beat going. I'm going to start with this and go to that. No, I'm saying for later. Yeah. Yeah. But then you come and you're like, I'm never going to jack off again. Oh, no. I was I was saying if well, I don't remember it. Oh, you're saying you see what you're looking at porn when you're not jacking off. You're like, I'm keeping this. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah.

Sometimes. Do you know X videos? It's rare. It's rare. But it is that thing. That's all we have down Texas way, dude. Oh, is that right? They took a Pornhub. Well, see, I'm not a big Pornhub guy because to me that's all like you know what you're getting. Yeah. And X videos. You have a wild card in there. X videos throws a wild card. And I'm into all that. Yeah. So sometimes. But yeah, they'll have some thumbnails that you go, that.

And you're just, when are you doing this? What do you mean? So you're not jacking off. You're just looking at porn. Correct. Where would you be in the world while you're doing something like that? Sometimes it'll be like in my lawn chair recliner watching golf or something on TV. Just toss some porn on. No, not toss it on. I go to the website. So, you know.

And you just see what's new. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes, yeah. I'm not, you know. When you're not in the mood, you let it get you into the mood. It's not like I'm checking it like I'm checking for messages. You know what I mean? I know, but I just like the idea of sitting in a lawn chair. I'm like, yeah, I am going to jack off. Yeah. All right.

We've got that settled. Yeah. Because sometimes the search is so frantic when you're in the midst of it that you want, sometimes you want a detached objective appraisal of what's out there. And you're doing this too. Yeah. It's almost like a mental joke. What? What? Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Uh,

If you remember Matt was on his jelking kick. Yeah. Yeah. And you're edging. Edging is more than, you're thinking more edging. Okay. What's jelking? Jelking I think is pulling your dick to try to make it bigger. Like actually stretching. Edging it. Yeah. Yeah. And you do this. Definitely. Yeah. Every once in a while.

Where do you do it? Just like while you're hanging out on the couch or something? Yeah, I mean, I haven't done it. You guys better not be doing this in public. I know. I haven't done it recently, but I used to. I used to like when I was totally not in the mood, just be like, let's see. I'm going to be in the mood. Yeah. Yeah. And you would find a video. Let me look at the menu because I've got reservations later. Yeah.

My girlfriend's going to leave the house for 30 minutes, five hours. That is a lot of times what all. Of course. Yep. I know she's going to be out. She's going to be gone tonight. Yep. No, it's me time. I haven't had me time in a while. I've had me time fucking forever. This is going to be great. That is nice when you're in a relationship and you get to catch a beat. Yeah. Brings back the fun. Yeah. Yeah. No pressure. Man, I remember this. Yeah. You don't have to watch someone be disappointed.

It's nice. God, that... Yeah. You don't like when you disappoint your lover. No. Why? That's just the funniest thing to ask. That's all. It's just a funny question to ask. Yeah, no, I don't like it. The way I look at it, she better get hers. Because I'm going to get mine. The Bernie Mac said on that is as funny as it gets. What's that? In his Kings of Comedy set, he has like a cuck joke, which I didn't even know they were making those back then. I don't even... He does it... At one point on the set, he's like... He's like...

y'all fucking for 45 minutes what you got to prove three minutes yeah that's all it takes and she better get hers because i'm gonna get mine she's like i'm gonna go get a younger man go get a bitch i'll watch i'll be in the corner it's like really good that is hilarious god yeah the kings of comedy he's the best bernie max said it's

The Def Jam one? No, it's Kings of Comedy. Do you remember the one he said from the Apollo? Yeah, he goes, I'm not afraid of you. Are you scared of you? Yeah, I'm scared. That could be a fun thing to rewatch. It's just the Bernie Mac show. Yeah, I'm sure it's great. Yeah. Did that come? Did that come? Wait. Oh, man, I miss Matt. We need Matt. Yeah, he's the best. I wonder what he's up to. I wonder what he's got going.

You know, he is. He's here to guess. What do you think he's up to? He's up to something. Yeah. He's always like working on something. He's working on like learning instruments. I can't believe how good he is at instruments. I don't know when he picked that up. Was that late in life? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where do you find the time? And then he's always like I was dabbling a little bit. I always play guitar. Yeah. Oh, really? Like since he was a kid? Yeah.

I was dabbling a little bit in that Jungian psychology stuff. I meant to talk to him about it. Like the dark, your shadow self. Yeah, I don't like that stuff. You would. I like some of the stuff. Of course, I just like the ones that affirm my beliefs. Yeah, yeah. Not anything that questions it. No, I was reading this book on it. This is a good, healthy way to live. Nothing challenging. Yeah. But this, it is, they're like...

I was reading a book that I guess Young had put together with some of his students or whatever. And it's just page after page. It's like locker room pump-up speeches about just battling inner demons. It does get you fired the fuck up. That's good. Yeah, it's fun to...

That's how you get hooked in. Because they don't really make arguments that they're right. They're just like, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. This thing. Yeah. Whatever happened with you two, you guys were intellectuals for a while. Yeah. You guys were like Sam Harris guys. Yeah. Weren't you guys like space? Elon Musk space guys? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever happened? Oh, you turned on him because he bought Twitter. I didn't turn on him. Sure. Sure.

I still watch the SpaceX launches. I saw them land the super heavy. That whole fucking thing on Elon Musk worked a little. People that don't know him at all are like, yeah, fuck that guy. It worked. The hippies. The media. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They did a good job of tarnishing his... I mean, not that he... He's out there doing some... He picked a side. He's out there doing some wild stuff. Might have got pushed to a side, but he certainly picked a side. Yeah.

He's out there doing some wacky stuff. But I still like the... Whenever he tweets that Tesla's doing well, I get excited. Whenever he tweets about SpaceX, I get pumped. You guys are intellectuals, though. You're a big Sam Harris man. Yeah, it's just... Yeah, if you're asking what happened, it's the same thing, I think, with comedy, where you're just like, I'm not good at this. Honestly. I think you're good. Like, you had to...

To try and have an actual opinion on something and be educated is really hard. It sucks. And not turn into like a douche. Yes. Who's just like... That's what you guys were up against. Yeah. You guys were about to be going toe-to-toe with that. Yeah. Because that's where the intellectual thing eventually goes. Yeah. Matt does a good job with it because Matt's very funny about it. Yeah. But if you pursue the intellectual...

What are you going to give a fucking speech? Yeah, it's brutal. And yeah, you know what? Your whole identity sort of kind of gets wrapped up in it to where it's really difficult to getting focused on trying to change other people's minds. Sucks. I think getting worried about. Yeah, you're basically worried. What's going on? Oh, worried about like, yeah, trying to change someone's mind sucks.

That's what I like. Matt's intellectual stuff is a personal journey. Yeah, especially because he's telling me most of the time, and I'm always like, yeah, I don't like that. He's like, that's fine if you don't like it. I'm like, I don't. Let's talk about football. That's what people want on our podcast. They want football. Yeah, but you do a little bit of the same thing. What do you mean? I feel like you're like a historical intellectual. I thought I was until I opened my fucking mouth on a podcast and then read comments.

Turns out I don't know shit. Yeah, but do they know anything? No. They're commenting on the internet. Sometimes you've got to read a story about a guy. Some people know, yeah. Every once in a while a dork will fucking drill you on YouTube. He'll be like, fuck. He'll put a link in there. Damn, I was wrong. Way out of line. But then you get to be right once you read the thing. Oh, you change your mind and admit you were wrong? Yeah.

You grow. You can change. I'm still waiting for that day. I'm still waiting for that day. Well, I think we've probably hit a wall on this one. Yeah, we're deep. Gerby, is there any gross shit you're up to? I don't. I do like to hear about your sexual ways. I know. It's okay if you don't have anything. You've been busy. You're probably tired from work. It is. That's why I feel so bad. You haven't been able to pleasure your woman as much because you've been tired. Yeah, there's just not a lot. Do you just lay on the bed and...

Let her have at it. No. Do you lay down again? No, I can do some grower. Go ahead. Do what you will. Yeah, apologize. No, stop. You're fine. There's nothing to apologize about. I feel like you hit it right on the head. Our whole day is doing something that we shouldn't be talking about. Yeah.

And then the rest of the day, I just stare vacantly. I've been watching Harry Potter. That's it. That's fun. It is fun. Harry Potter is good. Dumbledore dies and Snape's the fucking man. I know that. I know that going into it. As soon as Sadie told me, she was like, we're watching Harry Potter. Chris has never seen it. I was like, Dumbledore dies. And you actually did not know that.

I don't know. You knew Snape was a good guy. I knew Dumbledore. I think it's like all the stuff I've sort of seen on one level or another, but I haven't like actually watched the movies. They're pretty good. Harry Potter fucking rules. Yeah, they're really good. Order of the Phoenix was fucking awesome. And fucking Dumbledore fucking hit, just disappearing with the phoenix.

I don't remember which ones are which. I remember I farted real loud during a Harry Potter. Cause my, my friends loved Harry Potter. So we would go to like the midnight showings. Yeah. And in Harry Potter, I hit a nice fart on a silent moment.

It became a thing I liked to do. It was fart as loud as I could during, and it was, this was back when movie theaters were packed, you know? Yeah. And yeah, it's very fun. It's hilarious. Silent moment for it. Yes. Did you get a laugh? Yeah. Crushed. You get a big laugh. That's one of my favorite videos ever. Is a guy farting. Were you at all at risk of shitting your pants? No. You know me. You know how I hit farts, bro. What were you saying? My favorite video is a guy farting during Oppenheimer. The fucking, when they press it, it's like three.

It's just silent before the bomb goes off. There's a video of a guy farting. And like six people are at the theater. There's a guy in the front all the way by himself. But it's just wonderful because they wasted, that movie's 90 hours long and they finally got to the most important part and the guy's like, yeah, it's great.

It's fun stuff means Soder went to a Down syndrome movie theater once when we were on the road I always thought those were fiction they exist everybody everyone working their head down so like popcorn guy Oh take a guy everybody and

Which was great. They were pumped. You go in, they're like, what movie are you going to see? I forget what it was. They're like, it's fucking incredible. It's going to win Best Picture, I think. But we got in there and the guy farted real loud and we were fucking dying laughing. Like, for out. The whole movie we were laughing because it was just, it was an empty, we were in like Albany, New York or one of these places on the road.

And just during the day, saw a movie. So the theater's empty other than us and like a guy like three rows behind us. And he farted. So we were howling, laughing. The rest of the movie, we couldn't stop laughing. And then at the very end, I looked back up when we were all getting ready. I was like, who did this? I can't wait to see this man. And he also was mentally disabled, dude. Zipping up and down in a jacket like 10 times. I was like, sure.

Shouldn't have been making fun of that guy. Yeah. Dude, I bet that place ran smoothly. It did. Yeah. They were hyped. Yeah. Everybody was happy to work there. Yeah. That's heaven. Popcorn and soda. Popcorn and soda. Stoked on every movie. Yeah. Go to every movie for free. They kept coming in to watch the movie. Just a mop coming in. Yeah.

He's standing there for 45 minutes being like, oh, shit. Gotta go back to work. It's a good gig for those fellas. God damn. Well, that's good. Yeah. We'll get some more. We'll get fired up. We'll get a daytime one coming up. Yeah, yeah, okay. Where we're a little more, we'll think of something funny. We could get Kyle on too. We could get Kyle on. She's under the weather. Everyone's fucking sick. Yeah. Yeah.

There's going to be some rough takes this week. Kylo is sick as fuck. There's going to be some lines in the show where she's like, this is not usable. All right. Well, we'll be back. Yeah. We'll get it. We'll get it next week. We'll get a daytime one. Maybe a weekend one. Weekend one would be nice. You threw a couple of brewskis. A couple of brewskis in there. Yeah. So. You could have three.

My God, just like it. I don't know how you guys do it. No, no, no. It's pretty easy. You don't have to. You're drinking at the best time of your life every single time. You take four days off and go, what the fuck? Being sober sucks. I'm going to get fucked up as soon as Friday's done.

And then it's also a help if politics comes up. You don't look at the floor and go, yeah, it is complicated. No, you stand in your corner and go, hey, listen, you're a fucking dumbass. You don't know shit. I actually know. I listen to Tim Dillon. No, I was jealous before. It's almost like when you're single, jacking off is kind of sad.

The same way like drinking when you don't have really worked during the day is kind of like, damn, what am I doing? Now you worked Monday through Friday. You go, I got to be sober. Friday is going to fucking rule. Yes. You know what I mean? It's back. The thrill is back. And Saturday can rule. Saturday is going to rock, dude. The Halloween party? Yeah. I might kill you at the Halloween party. Yeah, you got to kill me. Yeah. Sunday is the real, that's the question. Sunday, I almost fell on Sunday. I was just sitting by myself watching the Eagles. I had that.

fridge full of beer for the night before i was like i could i could have a couple i got a text that was like 7 a.m call time i can't have one or i'll quit the show that's this this yeah the scary sunday is the scariest because you you go i'm so hung over one would actually help just one one would actually 11 i'm back two is gonna make me feel even better we're rolling

All right. We got to stop. Kirby's you got to, you got to go to bed. I gotta go to the gym. Nice. Oh, you're jacked this season. No, I'm not getting your clothes. Taylor, you're going to be the most handsome guy. Much better. If I, of course. Yeah. I'll leave you alone. All right. Thank you, Steven. Thank you. You seem really sad about this. I, cause I, I know how like much you're carrying here and I don't want, I'm not carrying anything. Yeah.

We'll get another one going. All right. Yeah, what are you talking about? You carry this with your golf stuff. I got to come prepare with a list. Really? Yeah. I got to do better for you. I got to do better for you. You'll be able to think of some stuff. All right. You and I will make a list next time. All right. We'll compare notes. Thank you, everyone. See you.