Ep 522 - Rock N' Roll Synagogue (feat. Steve Gerben & Chris O'Connor)
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The sunroom, it's beautiful here, but I don't want to... We'd have to bring, like, a couch in. I'm not going to sit like this for eight hours of college football. This chair brings some bar stools in. Irish. This chair is phenomenal. It's game day, Steve. It's a comfy chair. Yeah. It really is great. But even in that chair, you can only get...

Maybe four hours of college football done. That's a lot. And then you've got to lay down. That's why, yeah. You need to elevate the legs. You've got to lay down for the 8 o'clock games. Okay. Especially Notre Dame-Stanford is going to be a nice, boring one. My new friend is watching the games today. Your new friend is watching football today? I'm making all sorts of friends at this country club. You're making friends at the country club? Yeah.

They're just like very... So you made a friend at the country club today and they told you they were going to watch college football later? Today was the first time... Are we... Yeah, we're recording. We are recording. Yes. Hopefully. We weren't... This is not the first time that we've played... This was the first time we scheduled to play together. And you guys set that up. You said, hey, do you want to play together? Yes. Yeah, because it is actually... If you're playing with people that aren't...

You know, like man, they're like man children or stuff like that. Like you could play with like real bummer. What do you mean by a man child? Like, like grown men that get like really upset when they start playing poorly. Oh God. Yeah. Really fucking uncomfortable. I thought you meant dudes that were out there having fun. No, no. Drinking a little. No. Like they, they forbid that at your country club. No, no, no. Some guys very much do that. Get fucking hammered. Of course. That's not me. I, I love it. You'd have such a golf's fun when you're drunk. No, no.

No, it is for a little bit. And then your game falls apart. Yeah. Didn't you? One of my favorite stories of all time was you not playing and getting drunk with your friends. My friends had a very serious golf competition.

They split into two teams and then me and my one friend O'Leary who wasn't playing just drove a golf cart back and forth watching them. Just getting hammered, just screaming at them while they were playing. They got like really, they became man children. Fuck my fucking back swing, dude.

Shut the fuck up. You hit like a 120. For real shot, like 120s. And I was like, you can't be upset. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Like you just put the cart in reverse during the backswing. It's so good. That is the most the backswing thing drives me crazy, especially when I like I've never played with anyone who's nearly good enough to be justified. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you're not that focused and you're not that good. Yeah. But for that noise, you would have. No.

So anyway. But you made a friend. I did. And he's lived up to expectations. And he's cool? Yeah, he's just like cool. I have like one other friend that I made there. You have more friends. Yeah. So tomorrow I'm going to. Country Club's like a dog park. Fucking weirdos.

You're meeting friends? No, no, no, no. I was like normal, you know? Yeah, so... No, hold on. What were you saying before we got started about... You said something about sex? Oh, well, because you were talking about Tim Waltz. Oh, Tim Waltz being called a pedophile on the internet today? So what is that story? I don't... I don't know. I don't think it's... You know, it sounds like it's... It's just a tweet, so you never know. I would say it's definitely not true, but...

Who knows? Those guys seemed fucking serious. He's got a little bit of that face going on. That's a tough one. No, no. I don't subscribe to that at all because I feel like I have that face going on. No, you don't. If you were chubby, yeah. If you were chubby, you'd look fucked up. Yeah. You got like dark eyelashes. Yeah.

He looks like you're wearing eyeliner. I know. Fucking insane. I know. People like occasionally I get accused of that very seriously. Of what? Wearing eyeliner. Oh, no. And there's no talking somebody out of that. Yeah, yeah. This guy. Here's the source. Do you pour water on it? What do you do? You can't. You just go like, dude, I'm not. But then you also don't want to.

Justify, you know? Right, right, right. Feed into it. This guy said, Okay, Tim, I guess now would be a good time to drop my October surprise. You remember him, right? The real person you walked away... The real reason you walked away from teaching. The kid who spent the night at your home?

The one you went to the gay bar with? The reason the school board had a meeting about you? What do you think, Tim? Should I drop that now or should I wait another week or so? You know the student you were having sex with? The male student you were having sex with? They don't call you Touchdown Timmy because you were the football coach. Oh, wait, you lied about that also. You were the assistant coach. What do you think, Tim? You remember the Indigo Girls concert, right? The gay bar? Spending the night and, of course, the school board meeting? I think it's time, Tim.

Touchdown, Timmy. You were touchy all right. Did I write this? This is really good. Was that like a screen? You guys were just rewinding your special. Perfect. That was from the very reliable black insurrectionist, I follow back, Patriots. That's a reliable source. Does he follow you? No, I didn't check. I didn't check.

although he might have got a follow from me after this quality work touchdown Timmy but he's right that is the one thing that bothered me stealing head coach Valor's crazy he said he was a head coach and he was assistant yeah he was assistant

Who's a high school assistant football coach? Maybe you want to put one of those guys at the White House. Those are literally the biggest. Tim Waltz. Yeah. Vice president. Yes. Not yet. Liberal. Oh, yeah. I forgot your red belt.

I thought you guys were talking about a coach for a football team. No, no, no. We're talking about touchdown Timmy Walls. He was a coach for a football team and he left them to the state championship. It was an offensive driven. He's an offensive coordinator? They made this video where it looks like he was the coach. Oh, no. Sorry, this is not good for podcasting, but watch. Oh, look at that ball spin. They found the one clip of him.

Touching kids. Like he won. Like he was the coach. He did. Maybe the head coach was just kind of a figurehead. He was like late days paternal. I guess it might have been exactly. I walked right into that one. You think a gay pedophile could have been the defensive coordinator? Touchdown Timmy Walls. That's a tough allegation. Was he the D coordinator? I don't know. I hope not. For his sake.

Little Sandusky action for you. What does a head coach do of a football team? It depends on what they... It varies. Okay. Sometimes they're the play callers. Sometimes they call the defense. Sometimes they don't do either. And they just kind of make the final call on things. Interesting. Like, I don't know if Marcus Freeman for Notre Dame calls plays at all. I think... He was Denbrock on offense and Golden. Right. Yeah.

He probably helps with the defense anyway. I thought he did. I thought he took over last year or something calling defensive plays or something.

I don't think. Alcoholics is pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Now, what was the sexual thing, Steven? Because we were talking about Timmy Walls being possibly a gay pedophile. Right. What I was saying, because you had mentioned that there was some LGBT... I think he was taking an LGBT club from his high school to China with him on some trips. Allegedly. These are all crazy allegations. He's going to Thailand. He's LGBTQ. What was it? Black Patriot? Black Patriot. Black insurrectionist. No.

Sick name. I was just saying that it's very hard to not fool yourself into what you're doing to have sex with people.

That didn't come out right. Yeah, yeah. Not trick yourself. Yeah, to not lie to yourself about what your actual motives are. Really, it's like I'm trying to have sex with somebody. Yeah. And then you've got all this other stuff. And the only thing I can do is put together an LGBT. I'm dating the fucking China. Yeah, I hear you. You're like, I'm doing this. This is a good thing. Yeah, yeah. Just in the back of your head. I'm going to a women's march. Yeah.

And you hear that in the back of your head and you go, no. That's not me. That face. I was going to have sex. He gave me the news that his girlfriend was

coming coming to visit yeah so i was a little conjugal and then uh he just kept making that face it to me did you see that trying to burn it just in between takes i was like when you're performing oral sex i said steven are you gonna i think you were getting makeup put on you too yeah steven are you gonna perform oral sex tonight and he was like yes it was like when you're doing it i want you to see this face

But you powered through. And no, I didn't even power through. I totally forgot about it. And then after I was coming out of the bathroom, I was like, yes. Because then I thought about it. And the woman heard. Yeah. When you were cleaning up. She said, why did you just say yes? Ew, you're cleaning up the mess. Ew. Yeah. Ugh.

Do you remember the story about Matt, like how you found out that he got a flashlight, which was like, you guys were sitting and then UPS showed up and he was like, yes. I go, what's that? Nothing. They ran to the door and goes, I got a flashlight. I got two of them. Do you want one? I was like, yeah, that's great. Just buy one, get one free. And then we both went to our chambers and when we emerged, we both kind of quietly were like,

This is too powerful. You've got to get rid of these things. I've never actually used one. You would go nuts on all those things. Can you imagine what he would do? He loves devices. The way he puts his phone on a thing above his bed. You'd have that thing attached to something. This would be... Get rid of that mic and put a light on it. I don't mind bringing in things. I wonder if you could attach a flashlight to the boom arm.

I'm sure you could. Now we're talking. Just fuck it. You should ask touchdown Timmy Walls. That might be one he could answer. Go to a town hall and be like, could you attach a flashlight to a boom mic? There was a... I don't know. I'm going to knock a lab. He does get crazy. Who's going to win? Who's going to win? It's a coin flip. What?

It's a coin flip. Come on, bro. If it's a coin flip, you know they're stealing it. We're going to be shooting it. It's close. We're going to get the old 2 a.m. Oh, we found 900,000 votes. You challenged the election. You're a piece of shit. Dude, it's the day after the election. I hope it's just all B-roll. Just you by yourself on set. Oh, man. I don't want to reap the whirlwind.

Yeah, true. Oh, yeah, we're going to be on set. Yeah, it's election day. That's going to be so fun. Either way, it's going to be so fun. If Trump loses, I'll get to make fun of you. I'll be like, nice going, dude. You ruined the country. Right. You got fuzzy on your cheek. Yeah.

No, it's been good. Tires have been great. Tires has been great. You've been incredible. You've been incredible. But it's... You've been incredible. It's a week, but...

It's been a fun week. Nailed it. God damn. Do you forget how hard actually working is? Yeah. I feel like the biggest pussy of all time. I can't believe you're actually doing it. If I was like at your level, I think I'd be like, guys, I'm sorry. I got to be honest. I'm starting to be like, I'm not coming in. I'm yelling at these poor people that are working there. I'm like, dude, why would I get here at 5 p.m.?

30 in the morning. Yeah, I... Like, those long days, I have that in the back of my head where I'm like, he doesn't need to be doing this. You know what I mean? No, I do. You feel like you're asking somebody to stay at a party too long? Yeah, it's 12 hours. I definitely need to do it. It's the best. But the...

you that first day 5 30 wake up i was great i was like the first day yeah i was like this is gonna be for four fucking months i'm gonna kill myself stav's been so good yeah yeah schultz and tommy were great everything's good so kyle's been fucking killing oh my god yeah if she wasn't asleep she'd be on the pod we might be able to do this yeah you too yeah oh thank you yeah true didn't say chris didn't we do that at the premiere

Yeah, yeah. Just literally, we're just up there. He was dying. He was dying. It was full panic mode, but also no one was like, oh yeah, O'Connor. Yeah. Chris was just sitting there. At the end, they just brought up a little stool for me to sit on. That was, yeah, that was a surreal experience, though. I also, when we got up on stage, I was like, what are we... We didn't have anything. What did you say? That was one of the worst pieces of shit. Yeah.

Poor Brandon from Rough House just up there like, so. So, yeah. You guys, how do you get into character? Yeah. It's like, none of us do. These are all us. I was giving him one word answers. The Instinct is like turning it into a podcast. We're just talking about jerking off and like finger and pussy. Yeah, we talked about Steve's sexual proclivities. That's all I got. But yeah, waking up early and then driving home tired.

I forgot how big of a pussy I was. Also, we're not even working. We're just there literally laying on a recliner until it's time to do three minutes of work. Then you sit back on a recliner and go, what the fuck are you doing, Steve? Bitch. Fuck you, O'Connor. Bitch. It's also not even a situation where there's no end in sight. You know what I mean? When you're working a day job and you're like, oh, this is my life. This is forever until...

This, you know, will be over in December. I got that in the back of my head. The whole time I'm like, I don't want to do any more acting. This sucks. Stand-up's so good. Stand-up's one hour and you go home. Yeah.

But the staff, too, they're showing up like an hour before we even get there and then an hour after. Dude, those fucking sound guys, that job actually is hard. Yeah. Just holding a fucking thing all day? Yeah. Christian? I'd be cranky if I were them. Reminds me of the Temple Owl guy who does this the whole game. No, St. Joe's Hawk. Oh, St. Joe's Hawk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the whole game. He has to flap his wings the entire game. Did you know that? No. He stands there the whole time and goes...

Just three hours. Yeah. Damn. And there's no point. There's no reason for him to do that anymore. Other than everyone goes, he's still doing it. That's the whole point. If someone goes, you know he flaps his wings the whole game. Yeah. I love the tradition of college basketball. We got it. There's a guy in the worst Hawk costume ever.

It's great. The Hulk costume is 60 years old. It's just a couple of feathers coming off his arm. It's nice. It's not like a fun, big, gritty or fanatic. It's almost skin tight. It's like a kid's Halloween costume that the parents made. It's dog shit.

That'll actually be fun. I want to go to some of those games. Some big five games. Sick fucking outfit. I take it back. Look at that thing. He's running around. I was wrong. He's running around. I mean, it is shitty. Look at that. Especially when he's just standing there by himself in the corner. Looks like a big rug. That's good stuff. What else is going on? I had a shitty morning.

Yeah, I woke up. I was trying to get a cabinet that a TV can rise out of. Oh, really? Yeah. Why'd you do that? For in here. But I was looking online. I thought they'd be like $500. They're $3,000. Geez. Yeah, a remote control thing. What the fuck are you getting at? Because I thought it would be nice in the room. It wouldn't block the windows. And you could have a TV in here to watch some college football.

Right now, we just have it sitting on the table. It's an eyesore. Yeah, we're definitely not watching football here. Oh, fuck. He wants to put that on a glass table and have us sit in these chairs and watch it like a fucking board meeting because Zoom call. That's crazy. It'll be nice. Now, Steve's going to the bar with us. We're going to have a couple drinks. No, no, Steve's not because Steve's got a... He got Hexstone. He got Hexstone.

All the more reason to get a little buzz. I haven't had a drink in... Filming's also ruined drinking. You can't drink, dude. I'm not drinking. It sucks. Yeah, because I wasn't... The writer's room, even, just trying to come up with ideas, it was... I had such brain fog, so...

Same thing. Fucking bullshit, dude. Yeah. You can't... Yeah, I can't drink the night before I do anything. Drink twice in two weeks. Yeah. That's crazy. No, it blows. And I'm not going to get any days off the rest, I don't think. There's a lot of days where I'm not off. Like...

A lot of leaps, yeah. But do you feel good? Yeah, you feel good. But it's not worth it, dude. I don't know what the fuck all these people are talking about. It blows. Oh, God. Yeah, you get a clear head. It's nice. It's nice when you wake up. Yeah, it's amazing. Going to sleep sucks. It does. Not like because it's hard to sleep without it. It's just like...

What do you want to do tonight? I don't know. No, you just fucking watch Netflix. Yeah. Harry Potter marathon. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to watch more about the Menendez brothers. I'm watching fucking 900 hours of the Menendez brothers. What's going on with that one? Is that the same guy who made the Dahmer thing? It's as horny as the Dahmer one. Yeah. This one's pretty horny because they said they got raped by their dad. Oh,

It's a good defense after you kill a guy. He was actually raping us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you tell anyone before that? No, I forgot to tell anybody. That's the Spacey playbook. It is a nice playbook. I just want everyone to know that I am gay. Yeah. It's also funny. Women are always like, they're so hot because they're hot in the show. And I was like, do you want to see what these guys like? Women love murders. Yeah. Yeah.

Do they want to be? Lyle and Eric are hot. I looked at a picture of them. I was like, these guys look like literal dipshits. Oh, man. Look at these dipshits. Yeah. But they're rich. They were rich for a week. And then they got caught for blowing their parents' brains out. Is that how they did it? Oh, that's how they got their money. Yeah, they broke into their house with shotguns. Well, it was their house. They just walked downstairs and shot their parents while they were watching TV. God, that's terrifying.

It is. Are we giving anything away if we talk about the thing that you had this or whatever in the show? I don't know. Give it a shot. Well, you putting a gun at my face. A prop gun. Yeah. It's just terrible to know that you're like clicking and you're like gone. Gone. Just like...

Maybe. Maybe you're on to a better place. Let's hope. You? I don't know. Yes. You think you're going to heaven? Oh, man. I love the same. You and me, same time. We get there, and then God's like, Steve Carell. I knew it. You want me to get sent to hell? No, no. You get to witness it? First. Just be first here. Be first. Be first.

You think I'm going to have to wait a little? No. They're going to go, hold on a second. The fantasy is so fun. That's an insane fantasy. I've never heard anyone say that. And God goes, Steve, I always liked you better. Steve, you are better than Shane. No, no, no. He doesn't say that. They just go, Steve, and then Shane. I go, hmm, I wonder who got in. A little pride through the pearly gates. Yeah. That's a sin. They would cast you down.

He does remind me of Lucifer. Steve? Yeah, the story. How does that go? Being God's favorite angel and then Lucifer was like, I should be God. I'm actually the best. It's true. There's a degree of truth to that insofar as when you're not around, I do act very differently.

Who knows? Have you witnessed it? What? Him being a fucking cocky guy when I'm not around? Would you describe it as cocky? No, it's a roller coaster. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Every once in a while. I feel like everyone's prone to that a little bit. Yeah, for sure. When you're not around. No.

I would love to see some confidence. You leave the room and someone's always going like, all right, fuckers. He's out. I'm in charge. You pieces of shit. Yeah, my propensity to walk by someone and be like, clean that up. It's a fun thing to do to someone. It's really fun. Just walk by someone and go, pick that up. Finish that script right now.

Turn that hat around. Turn your hat around. This isn't a fun one. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. I was knocking Clay's hat off his head. I mean, he was doing it to me. Oh, I'm a Clay's fart yesterday. Shout out to Clay on the fart. The middle of me trying to do like I was in the middle of a what are you a monologue? Yeah.

No, just dialogue. I was trying to... And he followed me into the room with the camera and then I'm in there talking and I just suddenly I couldn't think of any lines because all I could smell was shit. Mustard gas. And I was like, but why don't you...

Come out here and do this. I was like, I'm sorry. I can't talk. Somebody farted. It sticks like shit in here. And he just goes, that was me. I farted. I didn't really fart. It kind of just leaked out. God damn, Clay. Yeah, that's right. We're boys. He is the man. We fart. We just fart. Is that a Laxbro thing? You guys all just...

I don't know. But you and Clay, two skunks walking around together. You rip a fart and it stinks. You just go, what? My friend today played lacrosse. Oh, really? Your friend? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you golfed with him? How good of friends are you guys? Not great. But it's a new friend. You're excited. It's a new friend, yeah. Is he cool? Yeah, he seems. I mean, you never know. Is he handsome?

Uh, yeah. He knew he's watching. No, no. I don't think he watched. No, I had a couple of Drexel dragons at the club. You got a couple dragons alumni. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Neary. I'm sure he's told me. I don't know. Neary's floating around. Yeah. Damn, you went to Drexel too. Yeah. Uh, yeah.

I went through that. I went to George Washington and failed out. Went to Delaco Community College and failed out. Oh, shit. You and me were on the same page. You're not better than me at all. You're literally not better than me at all. I thought you'd be a good student. I thought so, too. I don't focus. I can't pay attention. Were you partying too hard? No, I just I did not care. And I just lose focus. Yeah.

But you were not partying. No. Did you have friends at all? When I went to Drexel? No. Because I was working for my dad. You were just a quiet loser that wasn't good at school. And like 25. Oh, my God, dude.

failing out of college is like yeah at the age once you get older it's the easiest thing in the world yeah college is so easy as long as you just turn things in on time yeah yeah that's yeah which is why i feel like dean's stopped going for a full semester i just didn't go to anything then i had to go back to community no community college i was like all right dude we gotta we gotta turn this thing around oh so you passed community college i did okay

I failed. I did that my, my, the summer of my freshman year I had, cause Drexel has like a quarter system. I had to be in school for that summer and I just didn't, just didn't go, just didn't go.

I got like a .2. You shaved your head and started working out? That was later. That's a freak out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a real freak out. I went home. I went home and I freaked out. I shaved my head. I shaved my head. My dad came home from work. He goes, what did you do with all the hair? I flushed it down the toilet. He was like, fucking great. Yeah.

It clogged the toilet. I was like, it was literally day one of my turnaround. It was just immediately. I'm different now. I'm going to change.

Nice going, shithead. I'm going to go for a run. You probably did. I did that. I went for a run, but I had a bowl of cereal. Couldn't you not run? I had a bowl of cereal before I went, and I got a mile away from my house and just had explosive diarrhea. I had...

I had to clinch. He's the ultimate loser. Dude, yeah. You ever have milk and then go on a run? It just shakes. Holy fuck, dude. It turns directly into cheese. Where'd you shit? Where'd you shit? I waddled home like clenching my ass in like full like running gear. You know, yeah, yeah. Was your dad home when you burst in the door to shit? No, he had gone to work.

Oh my god That comment though What'd you do with the hair That would've like That would've really I would've seen red mist Oh dude Can't you see I'm hurting What are my actions I don't know You gotta see it from the dad's perspective Yeah He was home from like an actual day of work I'm like just living at the house They tried to get me to paint like the deck And I couldn't do it No chance I fucked it up so bad It was Yeah

Yeah, that was the end of the road there. Yeah, that's a tough one. Yeah. I got at Elon. I quit football, so then I just literally just stopped doing everything. Okay. And then I went home for Christmas break, and they were like, you're expelled. I was like, I was the guy. I was the guy at the bar. They were just like, you're expelled. Oh! I keep forgetting to tell you. What the fuck?

I keep forgetting to tell you, I tried to do that yesterday. What? When, like, you know, during the one scene where everybody's like ganging up on me. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like double down on the squint. What? There's a drunk guy that got served right next to Shane. Was he asleep at the bar when they hit him with it? No, he was fine. He was just blacked out, dude.

Get the fuck out of here, you piece of shit. That's hilarious. That's beautiful. Did I tell you the second lip sync contest? Did we talk about that last time? Because there was the Michael Jackson one. That was the freshman year. No. The sophomore year, because we were talking about your parents. That was freshman year? Yeah.

You must have been the man in high school. You did a fucking Michael Jackson dance. I look for a slice. You see the picture. You got first. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. You also did a thing where you dressed up as Madonna. So that was sophomore year. And that was the one I was telling because your dad being disappointed. Like, that's the one thing my mom still gets triggered by to this day. Because I never like cross dressed or whatever.

What do you mean before? Of course. Your dad told me halfway through the performance, some guy yelled out, oh no, it's a man. Yeah, he told you about it? What, did he just walk around telling a story? You deceived them? Yeah, yeah. They thought it was a sexy lady up there. You know, big eyelashes, I hadn't hit puberty. I guess. Yeah.

and my mom like to this day when you tell that story she's just like she's like yeah true i could see it yeah put him in a dress and a wig yes what an unfortunate looking girl tall tall slender no i was fine too ugly girl up there dancing i support this ugly girl oh shit it's a guy god damn it's a gay guy how'd it go what happened with madonna he was really uncomfortable he

It was not as funny as I thought it was going to be. Like a virgin. And then I did this move where I got down. It was like a virgin. My hand and I like humped. And that's what triggered the person yelling at me. The guy saw your penis. I don't think he saw my penis, but I wasn't wearing tights. You can see right off my skirt. It was terrible. Oh my God. Yeah. Why did you do... This was for a talent show? Yeah.

And you did this totally by yourself. It was a bad choice. Yeah, I thought it was going to be funny. I thought it was going to be funny. It wasn't funny. Right before you got on stage. So wait, no one was laughing? No. Holy shit. No, I bombed really bad. But right before you got on stage, were you like, I can't wait until they see this? Or did you start to? There's times you start to know. Yeah, no, no, no. I don't remember all that clear outside of doing that move and getting beat red.

Because you did get the response that I was kind of... There's got to be photos. If that doesn't hit... There's a video. I need this. I need it. Please. Just a dead, silent auditorium. Can we please put it at the end of the credits of Tires? I'll get my mom to start looking, yeah. There's a couple different ones. It's going to tear the family apart. She's going to dig up this old video. Yeah, she's going to find her trans son. Yeah. Ugh.

my dad actually told a funny story to the writers because he was you know he was telling about different people he had hired and he was like back uh in 83 this guy interviewed he'd been in business for like four years this guy interviewed and he asked like why'd you leave your last job and he was like you ever work for a fucking jew and uh you know my dad being jewish and so you know they the writers asked him so what'd you do and he's like i hired him work for me for

four years great worker we had a lot of fun with that though because he like told all the other texts like don't say anything about me being jewish wait till payday and then tell him but it's just like it's a hilarious response that's wild that's good yeah there was also like didn't your dad play a prank on one of the texts where he had uh he had some lady call up and try to fuck one of them oh yeah that was that was

Terrible. There was an attractive woman that worked in the office and he got her... This was before internet. She was going to be a care pressure. He was going to have funny with the manager at the time, Jesse. And like...

You know, act like you're trying to... You're flirting. Yeah. So she went in there and this whole thing with him, like, I got a problem with my car. You know, I don't have a lot of money. Maybe we could go in the back. And he was very much like, I can't do that. I'm married. And then she was like, it's me. Oh, my God. He was married? Yeah. Yeah. Like, Dad, why would you do it? Evil fucking trick. That's an evil Jewish trick. That's such a Jewish trick. Yeah.

Go ruin that guy's life. Destroy that man's life. I sign his checks. I'll do whatever I want with his soul. Oh, my God. That was my reaction. Are you crazy to do that? That's so fucked up. It's so fucked up. It's like it's fucked up in multiple ways. It's like you get me all roused and then I'm like make it. And then if he brought her back.

He's humiliated in front of the company. And his wife. He's going to get a divorce. The story's going to go around and she's going to hear it eventually. He's going to get a divorce. That is evil Jewish truth. What was the voice again? What were you doing? You can try it. No, no. Come in there and ruin his life.

Destroy his soul. And my dad would just be like, ah, Steven, we're just having a little fun. That's pretty funny. How about Phil FaceTiming you? Oh my God, that was like the joke of the day. That was nice. So my dad had a very serious health scare. That's why I had to go home a lot and check and go to the hospital, which was, that sucks. But when he came out of surgery, we FaceTimed him.

And he was like, how's everything going? He's got like tubes in his leg. The worst angle I've ever seen in a man. He's literally like in a hospital bed. He looked like a harkening. Yeah.

But I was like, Chris is doing good. John's doing great. Kyle's doing great. Steve sucks. And he goes, Steve sucks. And I held the phone to Steve and he goes, Steve sucks. Literally on his deathbed. Fuck you, pussy. Yeah. I think you were like, Steve isn't doing too good. Yeah. Steve's ruining it or something. And he was like, Steve sucks. That was one of my favorite Phil moments of all. Right out of the gate, everyone's like, Phil.

oh what's going on you're doing good and he goes i don't need your fucking unreal yeah it was uh phil ultimate warrior the first time i saw him in the hospital thing he was bad and i was like my mom was she didn't really tell us how bad it was she didn't want everyone freaking out so i got in there and he was like i was like holy fuck this could be it yeah anyway i kept it together because i didn't want to fire him up because he was on like shit i was just like dad

Those would have been my last words. I was like, you got this. You're number one. But then I left and I started, you know, I was tearing up a little, leaving the hospital. And while I'm leaving, I was wearing glasses so the guy wouldn't have seen me visibly crying. But I'm leaving and a guy just goes, are you Shane Gillis? And I go, yeah. And got in my car and left. He goes, holy shit, are you Shane Gillis? And I go, yeah. Yeah.

What the fuck's wrong with that guy? Yeah. That's got to be one of the bizarre things about... Can I get a picture? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah.

The saddest. People catching you at like all your entire range of emotions throughout the day. Tired, wake up, like feeling good. People are catching you at all. Normally it's good unless it's something like seeing your dad dying. Yeah. Then you don't really want to talk to people. Even then I was like, hey, what's up, man? Hey, how are you? How are you?

But then Phil miraculously, like the next day. Then I went back to the hospital the next day and he was fine. He was a lot better. They did. Yeah. He powered through that. I thought I was looking dicey. Yeah. He was 50, 50 on that one early. How old is he? 68. Okay. But he got after it.

That was funny. He was in the hospital, but I was like, fucking good run there. He goes, hell of a run. I was like, hell yeah. Damn, what an attitude. It was funny, yeah. It was very funny. That phone call was incredible.

What the face on me? Shut up. Yeah. I need your fucking Steve sucks. Yeah. No, I was thinking about getting him a card. I know that's what he said. He's like, Steve sucks. You're like, I was going to get him a car. I hope he's all right with me talking about his health, but whatever. He's fine now. He's doing great. Is he home yet? Tomorrow. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah.

So that, oh man. And he's not allowed to drive now for a while. He's just stuck with my mom. He's going to be fucking crazy. He's going to be crazy. And he's got to chill on the drinking. They're definitely saying you need to stop. And he's like, okay. There's no way he stops. He was already like.

I have a couple a night. You have more than a couple. He's like, all right. I'll bring it down to a couple a night and then work my way back up to where I'm at. Yes. That is a thing in the medical community. Coming back from injury. I just got to build myself. Start from square one. Yeah. I feel like the medical community does not appreciate how much regular people drink. They know.

You think? Yes. Yeah. Unless you get like an Indian doctor. I went, I told you this before. I went because I had some rotten chicken fingers at a comedy club and fucking destroyed me. Okay. And I was like, oh, this is serious. So I went to a doctor and he was like, so how much do you drink? And I was like, probably like 50 beers a week. And he was like, oh my God, your pancreas is failing. That's what that is. And I was like, I don't, all right. Then we got the blood work. He was like, everything's fine.

Is that how much you drink? Yeah. I was like, yeah. It's like a case of beer was like some of the mechanics would drink a case of beer. Yeah. They put down a case. Yeah. That's when you die. You're going to die at 60. Probably. Yeah. Yep. Apparently the younger generation doesn't drink as much. Yeah. Apparently they're finding out it's bad for you. Yeah. Because everybody's parents is dead. That fucking. Oh, yeah. Good for them. They're doing everything else. Yeah. Yeah.

They're having fun. They're doing everything else. But yeah, that sucked, seeing Phil. Yeah. But whatever. He's back. He'll be back. He knew he'd be back. He had to lay there and watch the Phillies lose. That's a tough one. Being in a hospital bed watching those fucking games. Yeah. Just watching the whole team not hit. Dude, after the Sunday game, though, I was like, they're back.

I thought so, too. I was like, they are back. Yeah. They were flat. They were flat the whole, the next two games. They subbed everyone out. Just keep them in there. I didn't even like the fact, I guess Boehm has been sucking, but I didn't like them benching him. No. Just keep them in. Did they bench Boehm? They benched Boehm in game two. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, was Sosa playing third? He was. I think so, yeah.

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Every time I drink Mountain Dew, I usually just kind of like me and my friends. We don't get naked, but like we take off like a lot of our clothes just so we can kind of like grip each other. And we wrestle in a style. Some might if you saw it from afar, you might think it's sexual. It's not. That would be against the code of conduct for the the ad policy. It's not sexual from afar. You'd be like, are those guys violent? You know, look from far away. It's crazy. If you got up under us, you'd be like, holy shit. These guys are really working on technique.

But that's what I do. When I drink my original favorite Mountain Dew, I wrestle with my friends in a way that looks suggestive from far away, but it's for real. It's like we're just training. We're just kind of like working on, you know, certain drills and moves. So that's kind of what we're up to. The mountain is calling and you should answer. Grab your friends. Grab an ice cold Mountain Dew wherever refreshing beverages are sold and do the do. It's not that it's just in my car has been warmed is so fucking good. Actually.

It's awesome, dude. I'm on a mountain right now with all my friends. Even if you don't have any friends, dude, you can just imagine them. Well, that's good baseball talk. Back to nine. I didn't finish my... I did an evil Jewish trick this morning, I think. Where...

I kept this, I found like the cabinet thing I was looking for on Facebook marketplace. And I kept saying I was going to pick it up for like two weeks and just not picking it up. And this lady was getting so pissed at me and then stopped responding. And then I like Sadie called her and was like, Hey, like we're for real. We're going to come pick it up. And we went there today and we got in there and I was just like, it's too big.

They had taken the TV out of the... They had unplugged everything. They had gotten it ready to move. You got to just take it. Dude, I was this close. Huge. It would fit here. It would, but it would be too big. I couldn't do it. And it weighed 200 pounds. And I had to lift it with...

Yeah, we just couldn't have. I felt really, really bad. I don't mean to speak for Shane, but I don't think we feel comfortable associating with you on this. Yeah, I disagree with your behavior. Why? What was I supposed to do? Take it. And then do what? Then I just have it and then I got to get rid of it?

That's how things work. That's how things work. Then I'm just in their shoes. I got a giant cabinet. Now the curse is on you. It follows. Dude, I walked away from it just being like, wow, I can't believe I stood up for myself in that moment. I thought it was like a real achievement. It's kind of an achievement to be that big of a piece of shit.

For real, I would have been like, I would have taken it. I thought about paying for it and taking it right to the dump. Did you offer him a little money, like a little holding money maybe?

It felt like bad luck not to wear yeah

But my grandma had given me like a, they're called a chai. It's like a, you know. The Star of David? No, it's like Hebrew. Does it look like pie? Yes. Okay. Oh, yeah. I've seen that thing. Yeah. You're going to wear that? I think I'm going to start wearing it. Yes. Why don't we just get you a patch for your sleeve? You look awesome with your necklace. I did look awesome with my necklace. Yeah.

Why do necklaces look so cool? I don't know. You know what, though? I do have a hunchback from leaning my terrible posture. So it shows, though. It kind of sits. It sits in the crease. I'm like leaning forward. It's like sitting on top of a... It's not good. It actually makes you work on your posture. I can't have that. My posture's fucking terrible.

Yeah, that was... Did you ever try to sit with good posture? Yes. Very uncomfortable. It's for gay guys, though. It is? It's for girls and gay guys. Good posture is crazy looking. This was making me... When it came to the chain, I was like, I got to wear it because...

This all started. Phil's health scare. And I put the blame on myself. Me and Nate Marshall were in Philly. We were walking around. We went to St. Patrick's Cathedral right in Rittenhouse. It's awesome. You can just go in. We were walking by, and I was like, let's go in there. It was empty. It's awesome. You can't just go in? Yeah. Oh. We went in. I was like, let's fucking say a prayer. So we were sitting in the pews, and I was like, damn, I haven't had a church for it in so long. And I let one go.

And I was like, that is kind of disrespectful to just walk into a cathedral and fart. Take one of the candles. And then leave. And then the next day, Phil was in the hospital. And I was like, I know I shouldn't have farted in that church. There's probably nobody funnier to be at a church service with you. It was my... By the time I was senior year, I couldn't get through mass with my friends. The second I walked in, I was like...

It's going to be the funniest thing that's ever happened. Every time. What would you do? Kids would fart. All of my friends would fart as loud as they could. It was the funniest. Church fart is...

Nothing comes near it. Yeah. Oh, dude. Yeah. I remember my brother, we had to stop going because my brother and I couldn't stop laughing through the whole thing. And they tried to sit us apart. Makes it worse. But you had so many inside jokes already that you just feel the pew shaking. You can just feel my brother starting to just shake, laugh. And then I just lose control. So that was the punishment, though, because it was me and my sisters. And you would always try to sit not next to Phil because he would be like, you motherfucker.

fucker oh really the whole mass he was like you fucked he just went there to beat the fuck out of it he would literally grab you by the back of your neck and be like he didn't find it funny no okay although somebody hit a fart he was like yeah but school we had to go every thursday in school so that's just a high school of kids farting right everyone's farting

Or like screaming. Somebody would like yell shit. It was the funniest. It was the best. And then team mass for football. That was just the football team in a chapel on Friday before the game. Okay. And it was, you got to listen to your dumb ass teammates. Try to read like me. I am today. It's just like, holy shit.

Yeah, it was. I had to. They asked me to read. I was like, I literally I will how I will be dying laughing the entire time. Dude, I can't read. I went to it. When's the last time you went to mass? It's been a while. Yeah, I went. I went. We were up in New Hampshire. There was a there's like a church island that I went to and I was like, I want to see what it's like. I want to see like what the homily about five, ten minutes in your leg. Dude, the guy was unbelievably bad. It sounded like he found out about Christianity the day before. Was it Catholic?

No. Protestants. That's your problem. Do they have fucking a guitar? No, but they were close. It was close. It was like, yeah. I went to a Catholic... The last Catholic Mass I was at, it was just... Oh, yeah. I flew down to Florida for my uncle's funeral. And they didn't even have a service. They just... They mentioned us during the Mass. It was just a regular Mass. Okay. I was in like a suit.

It was like, why the fuck did we do that? It was like the happy birthday. I thought it was a funeral. Is that a baseball game? Yeah. And then towards the end, they're like, and also we pray for Don Bowie and his family. We were all just like, I flew to Florida? But it was weird. It was a Catholic mass, and they had the fucking band.

Yeah. And a guitar and a drum set. Trying to make church cool drives me crazy. Yeah, don't do that. Keep it scary. Yeah, make it very scary. Scary is the way to go. What do you do in Jewish church? The last time I went to synagogue was after 9-11. Oh, did you guys high five in there? After 9-11, you went to the celebratory fucking synagogue? Yeah.

Why don't we have five? Oh, you think it's the Jews? Okay. I didn't know if the argument was it was justification then for Jews to do other, you know, whatever. Do they have rock and roll synagogue?

When I was growing up, I went to a reform synagogue. Somebody did play guitar. Really? She's a Jew. There's a tree of life to those who will pass through it. All of its followers are happy. What? What was the Jewish song? The Tree of Life. Tree of Life. How does it go? And then there's like Shalom. I'm Israel. I'm on the sea.

damn you're really jewish that's good i support i support all my jewish friends in this hard time you guys are going through it yeah have you noticed a rise in anti-semitism or is it just hanging out with me it's hilarious um but yeah start wearing my pendant the pendant's gonna be nice yeah i'm gonna

I'm going to be on that. I almost want to see what you do with it. I wish you didn't tell me. Yeah, I had to. But if it's the pie symbol, I would have gotten it wrong. Yeah. I was like, the fucking pie symbol, you fucking math dork. I'd actually do it. I'd be like, even worse. Yeah, that feels like I had a, if I don't say it.

It's like a horror movie that I don't know when I'm going to get attacked. You know? What does the thing represent? Like, good luck. Okay. Why the quotes? That's my understanding. I haven't really looked. That's what my grandma told me. So we'll see. Maybe I'll... Because you're supposed to... You guys have, like, pendants for specific things, though, right? I don't know. Do you have saints? No. Or any, like...

I don't even think they have a messiah, bro. They killed Shrew. They got one and they're like, no. This one's not good enough. No. Hey guys, it's me, the messiah. No. Not you. Things are bad. We don't want good things. We like being bad.

They were bad boys. Yeah. Would you have done that? Would you have crucified him? If... Well... Listen. I probably would have. Some guy fucking yapping over me. I said that. Go ahead. I didn't mean to cut you off. What's that? After that NXIVM... You know, like that sex cult? Oh, yeah. And there's a documentary and there's all his supporters outside the jail. Yeah. And I'm like, I get...

I get being like, we got to off this guy. Could you imagine if you're a Pontius Pilate and you had Jesus in your district? I used to do that joke. That was my... I had a Jesus joke about like...

Okay. Like he didn't look like, he looked like shit. You ever see that rendering of me? It looked like fucking Dobby from Harry Potter. He was like four foot two wearing a potato sack running around like give money to the poor. I've never met a poor person that didn't say that. Every single homeless guy's like, help.

And he's hanging out with hookers. And everyone's like, why are you hanging out with hookers? He's like, fuck you, dude. You do bad shit, too. Like, I've never met someone who didn't do that. Every single dude that gets with a hooker is like, who the fuck are you to judge, motherfucker? Like, none of his messages were that special.

And then the Jews are like, get rid of him. You're not doing that joke anymore? Isn't that like part of the passion of the Christ is like the Roman Empire too was on Pontius' ass about, dude, yeah, you got to keep that place in order. Yeah. And also it was during, when they did crucify him, it was during like a religious holiday for Jewish people.

So the city was packed, like hundreds of thousands of people. And there was like 200 Roman soldiers in a garrison. And there was already like civil unrest. And then they were like, you got to kill this guy. They had no, they would have, they had to do it. Yeah, it's a tinderbox. Yeah. If they were like, no, the Jews would have been, oh God. Yeah, we're going to get in there. We're going to get you.

What's the story about Jesus flipping the tables, the money changers? You guys were out front fucking selling shit in the temple. And he was like, get that shit out of here. Oh, it's outside the temple. I'm selling fucking merch at the temple.

I didn't know this. This is for God. Stop trying to fucking sell shit all the time. Just stop trying to make money. Oh, God. Our tables. What have you done? How does the world go around? Nobody wanted to do it. Everybody wanted the Jews to go to hell. And suddenly the Jews got rich. And then all of a sudden we decided it was a bad idea. It's a good point. Yeah. There was no banking, right? Banking was like illegal.

I think it was loans. Yeah, usury. Yeah, usury or usury. Yeah. That's like loans, but I also understand wanting to make it illegal because you would money lend at like 50%. People didn't understand interest, so if you understood it, you would just... Yeah, I would have been taken for everything. It would have been like, you want 50 bucks? I'd be like, yeah. All right, you owe us $290. I'd be like, sure. Oh, fuck. What have I done?

I remember hearing that somewhere where like the Pope was very close with the Jews and every time they decided to kill a bunch of Jews, he had to like meet with the guy and be like, hey man, it's tax season. You guys know how this goes. It's tax season. There's going to be some real unhappy people. So we're going to take it out on you.

You guys are good at that, though. What bit? Money. Yeah, the money stuff. That's a good thing to be good at. Yeah. I mean, that's at least my understanding from one book that I read. Yeah. Was that it was sort of an illegal thing. And because people thought you'd go to hell if you did it, they let the Jews do it. Nice. Yeah. Yeah.

Good for the Jews on that one. I guess. Just being like, yeah. We'll do it. They're afraid of ghosts. So we get to have all the money because they think they're going to go to a fire. They think they're going to burn forever. I wonder if those guys had that thought, though. Just like on their deathbeds being like,

I hope those guys weren't right. I hope everybody I've ever met wasn't right. I bet they did. I don't know. I don't have that thought. I'm going to have it. No, no, wait. Let me say something nice real quick. I never say nice things. Sorry, I try to feel smart.

I remember in my hardcore atheism days, I would be like, I would never. They're always talking about people like deathbed confessions. Oh, you're going to be begging. Dude. You're going to be begging. Crying like a bitch. Yeah. It's like my favorite norm, just being a coward at death. Like death coming to me and be like, no, take my grandson instead. Not me. Dude. So far, my... Like the...

The two that I grabbed, my Jewish grandparents had died. My Zeta, he handled it like a champ because he had an aneurysm and they knew it was going to go at some point. And so it went and he had like three days. And so they took him to the hospital and obviously they got him heavily medicated. But before that,

Kicked in. What do you got? No, I was just thinking of my dad coming out of anesthesia. Apparently there was like a nurse in like an all blue. Somehow Phil thought he was on a cruise ship. He thought he was talking to the captain. He came out and he was like, I'm on a cruise ship. Smiling like, I'm on a boat. Like, dude, I got bad news for you. You're in fucking Harrisburg. Yeah.

It is also funny to think that in Phil's mind, he's always on a cruise ship. Oh, yeah.

So he handled it well. He handled it really well. Then my Bubby, she had sundowners, so she was starting to lose it after he passed. So wait, sundowners just get a little wacky at night? At night. That's fun. And then... So scary. Why? It is. Dude, old people doing weird shit when the sun goes down. That's awesome. It's the scariest thing there is. The freaks come out at night. My dad hired a woman to live at the house with her. Yeah.

And the woman called my dad at four in the morning. It was like, you have to come get me because it was getting so bad. And she had locked the door. And then my mommy kicked it open and it was like, get out of my house. Holy shit. That'd be the scariest. She's like frail. Oh my God. Bleach blonde. My mom's kept like, oh my God, that'd be scary. But she went downhill. The first thing she did was,

She was Jamaican maids. They're like Jamaican, you know. Jamaican be crazy at night. Yeah, yeah. At the, like the, what are they called? Nursing homes? Dead legs. Yeah. She would act up. They'd go, boom, we're caught. The one nurse that told my mom a funny story, she was laying, like laying with her. Yeah. And then my bubs goes, what are they going to say about us? And she was like, what's that? And she's like, me, like here with a black man.

Just like a lady. Oh, God. Oh, man. Dude. That's pretty fucking sexual. Yeah. She... Yeah. That's really like... There was like a fantasy. She's like, what are they going to say about us? She... Whoa. I bet you, and I don't like that I'm going to say this, but I do bet... She had a fantasy? No. That like some of the stuff that... You know how... Genetics. You know what I mean? What do you mean? Like I bet some of my...

Like, I... Come from your grandma? You think your grandma being a freak tossed it down to you? I bet you there's some of it. Because she... Yeah. She was a sexual freak? She would just, like, talk about... Yeah. What would she talk to you about? Nothing, like... So, after my Zeta passed, like, on the right... No, great. Like, she's grieving. And she's old. Yeah. But she... Like, we were just, like, in the car. And then she was like, we were morning lovers. And it was like... Oh, man.

whoa my zeta's gone we fucked in the morning that's actually a really sweet thing yeah her saying that it's really actually it is very sweet but so yes why did she unload that at that moment yeah in the moment who knows it was probably a really beautiful memory

It's probably a really nice memory. Yeah. Just thinking of like all the times they fucked in the morning. Yeah. Yeah. Seeing the curtains and the wind breeze, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know why I can't talk, but whatever. And the wind breeze. The wind breeze. Yeah, I know what you mean. It is. Yeah, it is. I imagine it's kind of crazy that they fucked regularly in the morning all the way to the end. You say it's just piping down your fucking meemaw or whatever you call her. What you call her? Bubz. Bubz. Yeah, yeah. Because Bubby, we couldn't say his name. Bubby getting piped down in the morning. What?

walking with a limp the rest of the day she was always like she wore like leather pants she had like bleach bonnet shit yeah oh she was a sex freak yeah she and now you're a sex freak so do you think it skipped a generation or i don't want to talk about that no i don't want to talk about it because it's because you know it's disgusting

I don't think it did. I think my dad's horny sex freak. Hold on. Your dad better not be a horny sex freak. Did you ever walk in on your parents? No. Never. I didn't like walk in, but there was something about to get going. Yeah, I don't think. I don't think I ever really. I don't think I ever heard them having sex. I think my sisters did. Okay. I was the youngest, so.

By the time I was old, old enough to know when someone was fucking, they were kind of old. Got it. Old enough that they weren't like loudly fucking. Right. Chris, did you ever? What? Hear my parents? No. I've never. I think you and me probably had similar parents when it came to sex. They never discussed it. We never talked about it. Oh, interesting. They're not, they're not even like, uh,

They're like warm to one another, but there was never, ever, ever anything even remotely close to like a sexual... Oh my God. I do remember... Like even kiss. I remember them... That is crazy. I remember them making out on the couch when I was a kid. Really? I remember them making out and me seeing it and being like...

Ew. Whoa. Yeah. But I was so young. I was just like, what are you guys doing? There was one moment. A little gay-ass son came in and was like, mind if I get a taste? Dude, I did have one memory like that where there was a sleepover with a couple of my buddies and my dad came home from work on a Friday night or whatever. He was ready to go.

And he was hot to try. He must have had a few drinks or whatever, but he came in and he kissed my mom and then howled like a wolf. He went, ow. That's good. And my buddies and I were like, what the fuck? I was like, I don't know. My dad's nuts. I don't know. That was the only thing. You get older and you realize, like, you want them to be. Of course. Yeah, of course. Because that'd be tragic. Yeah. Yeah.

But I like that they had outward facing nothing. Yeah. You know what I mean? And your parents were sexual freaks. I'm just having a lot of things. I'm just having a lot going on in here. What happened? I don't want to talk about all of it. You don't have to. Just certain things. You walked in on it? I didn't walk in on it the one time, but the only thing I ever walked in on was him dry up in her kitchen.

Was she on the counter? She was on the phone. He was being funny. Yeah, and then he was like, yeah. And then I turned to her and I was like, oh my God. Was she reaching down and talking to you? Yeah, and he had a leg up on the counter. And then I was like, oh my God. And then he turned around and his face was beet red. He goes, what? It's natural. And I was like, ah. But there was just so many times where he'd be like, ah.

My kids are going to see that. If a girl bends down, yeah. Yeah. I'm getting in there. You go... It's fun. It is fun. Nah, I'm going to... You would always be like, to my mom, you're going to go take a shower? You're a little touchdown Timmy Walls as a father. You want to hit the shower? I'm like...

I just couldn't get it. Would you get real grossed out? Yeah, yeah. Then if I were him, I would never stop. I was back from Little League. What did you say? If I were him, I would never... If you literally reacted like... I would do a non-stop. What happened when you got back from Little League? My arthritis was less controlled at this time. My parents had a jacuzzi. So I went...

of course they had a jacuzzi yeah yeah yeah and uh so i went into the jacuzzi and then i guess they forgot that i was in there and then like i heard them coming to the bedroom because it wasn't like they're better you know and the jacuzzi was in their bedroom oh yeah yeah yeah it's like a bathroom off their bedroom i was thinking hot tub yes yeah and then i just like this feels like such but my mom was he goes how much time do we have and she's like i have a

like something in the oven it's like eight minutes he's like it's plenty of time and then i just like what do i do and i unplug the water you know so it's like yeah and then he was like and then they just scurried out i was like ah yeah oh my god close call that's a real close call oh my god that's really funny though look at his legs dude you look good thanks

Yeah, I think that would have scarred me. That's fine. That's what you... I know. You're going to be so bad. I know. You're a sex freak. Yeah. You're a little pervert. Aren't you? No, I'm not a Jewish pervert. Yeah. I don't see a woman who'd go... I mean, only in my head do I hear that. Just a nice... It does sort of feel... Yeah, you're Nosferatu. What is that? You ever see the...

Vampire Nosferatu? No. I know the reference to my lucky man. That's mean. What do you mean? I said you kind of look like him and I took it back immediately. That's fine. But, you know, are we have to go? No. I was just showing you Nosferatu. This is you in the doorway. Trying to go, can I have some pussy tonight? Yeah. That's what she sees when you go down on her.

No, she's... I know, I'm sorry. I'm being nasty. Does she touch your hair? Yeah, occasionally. That's one thing that doesn't suck when you're balding and they start touching your hair. Oh, shit. Dude.

Man, that's good stuff. What time is it? Oh, the Irish are on in a half hour. How long did we do? An hour and five. Oh, hey. We can keep going, though. I've been gone. The boys have been... I've abandoned my boys. I've abandoned my children. Give me the blood, Lord. Let me get away. Give me the blood. Give me the blood, Steve. Steven, you boy. I'm going to bury you underground, Steven. That's good. You got to do that. I love that movie. It's so good.

We didn't even talk about Tampa Ham. We did not talk about Tampa Ham. The Beezerine was on one. Yeah. We went out on Wednesday. Tuesday night. Tuesday night. And the Beez was fired up. He was probably the funniest I've seen him. I was... It was... We were literally crying laughing. Yeah. It was Chris Insadia, me and my girlfriend, and we...

Beezer was at the other end of the table. And the four of us were just having normal conversations. Beezer was at the end of the table, didn't stop talking, just spewing hate by himself, just going like, Chris, you fuck. Well, it started with... I'm sorry, I gotta go get a tissue. It started with... Well, now we're telling... We're gonna need you to tell you the story. He was. He was... The switch flipped. It was great. Oh, yeah, it rhymes. So we went to watch the... We were watching the Phillies game.

We were at Ryan's after we filmed and Beezer was just dead silent. Yeah. He was sitting on the end of the table by himself not talking. Like I forgot he was there a couple times. Except he kept calling Francisco Alvarez a fat ball boy. He was. Which was amazing. He did order a car bomb for himself, which I've never seen that move. Yeah. Like the waitress came by and he was like, I'll get a car bomb.

I just went back to watch the game. I was like, you're not getting anyone else. You're doing it. He's sitting by himself. I've never seen anything like it. No one's ever done that. But then he got another one. Beezer got hammered. So then we go to another bar after the game and Beezer's sitting by him. He's at the end of the table. We're having our own conversation. He didn't stop spewing hate.

towards chris and sadie occasionally sadie and i'd be like all right it started a little over the line on this it started with the picture oh no i took it or you took a picture i took a picture of beezer

And I was like, God damn, you look good as fuck in that. And that's all it took. Because then the rest of the night, he was like, take a picture of me. I look good as fuck. I'm handsome. And I was like, Chris is handsome. I took a picture of Chris. Not your best picture. I thought it started with a picture getting taken of me. And he was like, why are you even fucking taking it? You can't take pictures, you fucking ugly piece of shit. He was just going. He was on him. And then Shane goes, all right, let's take a picture of you. I bet you want to see what you look like. And dude, he was...

Amazing in every photo. Yeah, it was a nice photo of the bees. He just started posing. We have 60 photos of him in different poses. Looking incredible. Trying to answer it. 1043 was the bees. 1044, the Ocon man. The poor answer. It actually wasn't a bad picture, but it was just fun to tell Beezer how good he looked. He looks really good. He does. He did. He was. Oh, also, he hadn't drank in like two weeks.

So he got in there and just got fucking after it, but he's just sitting there spewing hatred Until occasionally it would hit and Chris would be like what? The water the whole time You suck at sports fuck you You don't know Fuck did you ever do it? He's like Tampa

Tampa AM. Ever heard of the Tampa AM? And then we're like, what the fuck is the Tampa AM? He's like, are you kidding me? Tampa AM? We're like, what is the Tampa AM? He's like, Google it. Give it a Google. We're like, dude, what is the Tampa AM? He's like, are you out of your fucking mind? You don't know what the Tampa AM is? We're like,

no yeah he goes these guys know what the fucking tampa is just two random dudes yeah guys no one knows what the tampa is eventually we figured out it's a skateboarding competition that he did that's hilarious it was incredible and chris was like what'd you do with the tampa and he's like fucking nose grind reverse you hit him with the line of the century though because he was like you love kamala you fucking love kamala and you go come

Kamala's cooler than a nose grind reverse at the Tampa AM. He's like, I'll kill that bitch. He was going crazy. That is a good line. Kamala Harris is cooler than a reverse nose grind at the Tampa AM. Oh, are you kidding me? You think she can nose grind on me? I'll kill that bitch. What?

And then I was talking shit to him about the nose grind thing too. And he said, don't talk to me sweet. Oh yeah. You talking to me sweet. Don't play me. Play me sweet. Don't play me sweet. That's good. It was, it was, it was amazing. We laughed for an hour straight. He did not stop for one straight hour. I'm just talking shit to everyone. Like real mean. There was a 30 minute junk where I was trying to tell a story about spilling pasta in the old house. Oh my God.

Tell him you admit you did it. He was...

He was just telling a story about spilling, ordering a tray of ZD from Grubhub and just immediately dropping it. Yeah. That's the whole story. And I was copping to the whole thing. Yeah, he was just trying to tell the story and Beezer the whole time was like, admit you spilled it. Admit you fucking spilled it. He's trying to admit it. He's like, admit it. He's like, he did admit it. He's telling us how he did it. And then I would start telling him, watch him, watch him. He's not kidding. He's going to lie. He's going to fucking lie. He's playing me sweet.

I don't know if it's as funny to anybody that wasn't there, but I would feel uncomfortable. No, he was being funny. He was intentionally. He knew what he was doing. He was very intentionally being funny. He was just being wild. It was so funny. Yeah, it was a good night. That rough ending, but whatever. We don't need to talk about the ending. Took a spill. He took a Beezer tumble and took a Brewski tumble outside. Took a Brewski tumble. Yeah.

He got dinged up. He took a whiskey tumble. He was so drunk. While he was talking shit to Chris, he fell into my lap and was still talking shit. He was like, you fucking piece of shit. Yeah.

Oh, man. He kept offering cigarettes to people. Yeah, no, the waitress came by. I was like, what are you, fucking vape? And she was just this sweet, nice waitress. Yeah. She was like, yeah. And he was like, why don't you smoke a real cigarette? She was like, oh, I'd love one. He goes, yeah, fucking right. Jeez.

It was an absolute clinic. And then he brought two, he went downstairs, found two college kids that bought him a shot. And then he was like, you want to meet Shane? And he brought him upstairs. So now there's just two boys with us. Yeah. And he's like, you guys don't even know about the fucking Tampa. He just started attacking them. And I had to explain to them. I was like, he's just joking. Yeah. He's totally joking right now.

Everybody was confused. Sure. But I loved it. It was my favorite Beezer. Tampa ham is November 7th. We got to get down to the Tampa. I wonder if it's still going on. Definitely. That was a flyer game. Yeah. And then when you sent that, I was like, I don't think he remembers talking about the Tampa ham. He's got to. He did. He came around. Oh, I got the videos. They're so good. Play a little of that audio. I don't know. It's not going to be good.

Right there, he's demonstrating how he would grind. He'd go, one leg, reverse grind, you're done. You're out of the Tampa Am. I go, did Bam Margera win the Tampa Am? He goes, no, Chris Coleman won the Tampa Am.

The fuck is Chris? I don't know what he was saying. It was wonderful. Anyway, I don't know how great that story is. It's so good. It's vintage Beezer. I wish you were there for it. You would have hated it. Yeah. You would have laughed. You know my taste. Yeah. We got to get you going a little. No, no, no. We don't. No, no, no. We don't. I feel like you like a good dust up though. No. I like a nice calm. You would have thought it was so funny though. Golf course, you know.

Yeah, I'll stop trying to change that. That's a Saturday morning thing. No, no. Saturday nights for the fellas. Notre Dame games for the fellas. That's when we go have a couple of brewskis. Watch the Irish in 20 minutes. We got to go. Yeah, yeah. Big game. And Red River. And the Red River rivalry. Red River. It's a shootout. Yeah. I hope it's a shootout. It's the Red River school shooting today at 3.30. And you're coming. We're going to have fun. I'm going axe throwing.

So you go on fun dates with other friends. So you have no idea how much I fought going on this. Yeah, yeah. He got bullied into this. This is no question. I've never done anything with her. There's no question. Oops. This is just to get back in the black with his lady for sure. Yeah. You are scheming little fuck. I promise you. Conniving. Yeah. I promise you. I know. He has to do something bad to me so we can go out. I'm mad at you.

Please don't be mad at me. I'll ask my mom to look up the Madonna video. Find some leverage. I did the third year, I did Pavarotti. In the fourth year, I did Lord of the Dance. And I think we definitely have the Lord of the Dance as well. I need all of them.

okay was the gerbin routine a thing at your high school people pumped for uh like they were pumped for the yeah what the fuck's Pavarotti he's a guy yeah he was like uh did you sing opera no no I lips it was a lip sync so I was like there's no dancing I like had a bunch of stuff like tucked in my oh you're doing I was doing a gag you're doing gags yeah

Where did Madonna come in the order? Second. Sophomore year. It was Michael Jackson, Madonna, pop rock. He burst onto the scene with damn dead. A little sophomore slump. That happens. Sophomore slump. It's so hard. It's so hard to stay in the top. You probably got it back.

By Lord of the Dance. Lord of the Dance, I did. That must have killed. It did kill. I had rip-away pants. Are you doing Irish? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I see? No, no. Please? I don't even remember. Dude, it was fake. That's in there. You don't lose that. It was fake. It was all fake. You were the Lord of the Dance. But I don't know Lord of the Dance. I'll do it. But it's fake. I don't know it. You just made the whole thing up? Yeah. As you go? Give us an example. Fake Irish jig? I had a thing. Yeah. I forget it.

That was pretty good, though. Hands at the waist was nice. Do you get the hop going and the leg kicks? Ooh, a little hop. Tearaway pants. Reverse. Reverse nose dive. You're done. You love Kamala Harris. I'll kill her. Holy shit. Those are my favorite Bs. Yeah, that was...

I wish you understood how funny it was. It was so funny. It was like calm, nice guys. Nice guys is the right phrase. He was being nice. He was being funny. Like if you told it, like I would tell him, that one was, you're getting a little close.

All right, we've got to watch the Irish. Yeah. Steven, thank you. We're going to do this hopefully regularly. Yeah. We'll get McKeever on here. We'll talk tires a little. Yeah. Ooh, that'd be nice. In the meantime, how about Matt McCusker carrying the load? Yeah. He's a workhorse right now. He's doing great. I keep meaning to watch the Glenn Lowry. He's got some good stuff coming. Yeah. So shout out to Matt. We love you. Yeah. I care about you. I miss you. Those are cool glasses. They're bifocals. Those are? Yeah. I love that, dude.

nice walk well because do you remember when john put that that thing on instagram of like me reading the menu oh my god with the termina music it's because that was the funniest thing yeah