Ep 516 - Gloom Flower (feat. Sam Tallent, Lemaire Lee, & Shawn Gardini)
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Are we live? Alright, we'll start it now. Hey! Hello! Hey everybody, welcome back to the motherfucking podcast. Another week on this hellacious Gravitron we call an Earth. Twisted blue marble, man. Can't stand up on this Gravitron. Sam Talent, thank you for joining us. Thank you guys less.

I thought me and Matt were just going to be in here and talking about men's stuff. We can talk about men's stuff. Men's table, boys' table. I love my fellow man. I'm not going to demean you guys. You're wearing a Power Rangers shirt, boys' table. Your uncle died and you got that shirt. He's got the basic brand on. Well, Mayor, thank you for the hookup, by the way, in Rhode Island. Oh, the studio? Yeah, the studio was. Was it nice? Well, Mayor, I thought you designed it, man. Yeah.

Just fucking like action figures everywhere. You were the goon, Gabe. Shout out to the bros, though. They held it down. I interviewed Glenn Leroy. Yeah. Oh, snap. Did you meet Beans? Yeah. Bobby Beans? Yeah, man. Bobby Beans rules. That's your bro? Yeah. White Bull, right? Yeah. I met that White Bull. You got bros all over?

Lameria's boys. Dude, Spud was just marveling over your tentacles across the country. United States of Lamerica. Yeah, the Lamer diaspora is thick. Yo, I swear to God, anytime I'm like Lameria, I'm going to be here. I'm going to find a studio. He's like, oh, I know somebody who has a studio over there. And your bros are solid, dude. Yeah. Absolute beast. Keep them tight. I assume that the walls are typically like rubber, you know? Oh, man.

I feel like some of these studios are just like this place. They were former sex parlors. This place was a former... This is probably where all the anal went down, by the way. We're in the back of the Black Rabbit. That's why it smells like chicory coffee. Soon to be historic Black Rabbit. Soon to be.

Yeah, this is definitely the anal chamber. Direct. Maybe just gay stuff, actually. This might have been the strictly gay dungeon. This is the closet. It's such a big podcasting space. Yeah, because that's what we're doing. This is the gayest thing that's happened. This is as close to gay as I get, goddammit. Yep, it is. These labels we put on ourselves. I do have a theory that every old man turns, like, hopelessly homosexual at, like, 65. Yeah.

I don't know why I had this theory in my head. Like, every time, like, an old man in the airport, like, looks at me, I'm like, you want to fuck me, you old nasty. You old nasty. Dude, he's giving you an up-down.

I'm telling you, man, I have a theory that every man at 60 turns like wildly, wildly gay and uncontrollably gay. It's like every man's fate at like 60 to be like, I can't take it anymore, dude. Yeah. Goddamn. Yeah. I tried this fucking bullshit for 65 years. Yeah. Got me here. You know what? Why didn't I just fuck my boys? Yeah. That's what I'm gonna do.

That's my brother's logic. True. Yeah. Jibs was just here. He fucking almost hit us with a hot shot. Well, maybe that's not our business to die. What happened? Never mind. He almost got infected with HIV. We were bug chasing with debris. Now that's a podcast. Bug chasing with jibs. You guys almost catch some fent.

No, no, I don't know if he doesn't want this in public forum. I shouldn't have brought it. I want to highlight your all of your cocaine. You know, it's just like like two days into the hang. Got you. Right after we smoked. Bro, you got to let us know. That's the worst. You can't get a cold sore like passing the blunt. I don't know. I don't think so. No, it's not. It's not. Us. Us.

I don't think. We were kissing a lot, too. You just don't want to get them on your dick. Getting a cold sore is nothing. Yeah. I was born, and I got cold sores as a child. Did you really? Yeah, because I think my mom had bore the cross. My mom bore the cross as well, but I didn't get it. I don't have them down south, but I'll pop one up, and then everyone's like, oh, you were living. It's like, no, my mom was a child of the 70s. My mother lived there.

She lived long. She was living. I don't think it's necessarily sexual to get cold sore. I think it just gets passed down through the generations. I hope not because I get them. Yeah, I think if you're just like, face is just puckered in misery for long enough. Just a gloom flower. Oral herpes.

Oh, here we go. Oh, of course you can get it from sex. Oral sex. I think it's from kissing all your old aunties, dude. Hey, auntie. Aunties are freaky. I might start seeing their tests and be like, did you get tested recently before you kissed? I need to see the papers. You need the antibodies.

It's like you're in prison and you're checking people's passports. That would be good, though. I might start a thing like a non-profit where I start checking the aunties. Or just like at the, you know, they're all fucking at the, which one do we call it? The old ladies. Oh, yeah. I might get them papers and be like, bro, you can totally cream pie this old lady. I don't want to be graphic, but I'm saying it'd be nice. We'll be there one day, dude. You want to know? Let me just check the chart real quick. Won't be needing this.

That must be crazy. Nobody talks about the CP in the retirement home. The freak off in the old lady home. Dude, just having your new balances on is being like, in the retirement home, you know the nurses can hear you. Yeah. Whoa, whoa.

Yeah, like an old Haitian woman has to wheel you into the room to get fucked by some guy and then you ring a bell and she comes and retrieves you. An old Haitian lady can't do that. She's too busy. Yeah, true. Oh, my Lord.

You can't say that that wasn't proven. Just because you saw it on TV does not make it true. Just because you have those braids doesn't mean you can go crazy on the island violence. I did hear, whatchamacallit, J.D. Vance came through. They were pressing him on that question. He was like, well, here's the thing. Whether or not a Haitian woman ate a cat, there are still boots on the ground reality to the immigration crisis that you guys at CNN, whoever it was, aren't covering. He kind of definitely maneuvered around it. Yeah.

That's all it is now. Sticky move. Sticky move. Yeah, sticky move. Sticky move. Well, whether or not people are eating cats is less the point. And it's like, well, it's pretty important. It's cool to know. My theory was to get the pets to start eating the immigrants. That's my solution to the problem that I pitched this week. But also,

Where'd you pitch at? In the stand-up comedy show. How'd they like it? It's a funny joke show. It's a funny joke show? So you said that was in the context of stand-up comedy, of lifting the spirits of masses. Yeah, it was in jest. But what if they are eating cats? Who gives a fuck? They're street cats. We don't need those cats.

I stand with La Mer. I would not be too mad. If someone ate a stray cat, I'd be like, bro, this is looking, things are looking up in America. Sick of these nasty little creatures walking around. Get these cats fired up. Because I think there was, weren't the rats true? Weren't people spitting the rats? Like barbecuing the rats up? I think they've been doing that in New York for a long time. There's a lot of rats. The poor people in New York, I think they've just been munching the critters forever. It's a renewable protein source. I don't either. That's a problem.

That's why, dude, rabbits were the original. Yo! What is that? It's rats on the spit. Those are big enough to eat that. Those things are huge, bro. Those are raccoons. Looks like a capybara. Well, dude, here's the thing. Dude, in America. Yes. That's a marmot for sure. In America, I think in like the colonial times, people used to eat rabbit. That's hilarious. People used to eat rabbit like it was nothing. So it's like, you know. And apparently rabbit's like a very high source of protein and you can actually get sick because

Because they have so much protein, you're not getting any fat. There's like a certain like illness you can get from just eating rabbit, but you do get shredded. You got to mix it with beef. You got to mix it with beef. I think with vegetables and grains, you can't just be crushing rabbits all day. Well, you need a fat. That's the problem. If you're eating just rabbit, you're not getting enough fat and you get so shredded that it becomes a medical problem. That's the big thing for bug out people is like the first thing you're supposed to do if like the bomb falls is go out and find two breeding pairs of rabbits.

I'm telling you. Because then rabbits will procreate at a rate that will feed your family. You'll have an abundance of rabbits if you lock them in your basement as like there's nuclear fallout out there. Yep. You got to find like an avocado too somewhere. Find an avocado. Yeah. A single peach pit. Tater. I was with Spud recently and

Speaking of taters. We were talking about how important it is to just have a bro crash your house into your marriage and just try to fight your wife for you a little bit. He was in his friend house. It's just such a funny thing because he was like, yeah, I don't know. I guess you got pissed because I was in there talking about bug out bags.

No wife wants to hear bros talking bug out bags, dude. Spud's a fucking rock tumbler for a wife. Spud is the best, dude. I was with him all weekend in Rhode Island. With Nick Rochefort. Yes, with Nick Rochefort. What a triad. It was amazing, dude. Johnny Del Calo, dude. It was great. Dude, we were saying that's big for white culture. It was huge for white culture. This was literally the all-white party, bro. Fuck the Hamptons.

White excellence. It was, man, it was funny. It was a very funny weekend. Having Spud up there the whole time, it was unbelievable. Nick Roachford is honestly one of the funniest people in the world. He's insanely funny. It's ridiculous. I get mad how funny he is. Yes, it almost hurts. We're sitting there at dinner and it's like, dude, you're literally saying the funniest stuff for 30 straight minutes. Take a break, dude. I need to recharge. This is amazing. Did you see him on Skanks? No. Oh, yeah, when he was Mudvayne? Yes. That was so funny.

He's so fucking funny. Spud should supply that service to married men. Bro. You should hire out Spud to like come stay in your house for a week and just confront all of your wife's most sacred ideals. You want to send your wife on tilt? Yeah. 1-800-SPUD. True. Just to like break her out of like the girl algorithm just a little bit. Women need to know about bug out bags. True. Well,

They did get girls against conspiracies. They somehow tapped into the female hive mind of like, if someone's talking about conspiracies, don't fuck them. Women would have too many bug out bags. They carry a bug out bag at all times. They just bug out about the wrong stuff. All of their bugs are just about their appearance.

They're micro bugging the whole time. That's all they care about. Micro bugging. They're like, I don't need food. I don't need a gun. I just need mascara. They're just constantly on the edge of an apocalypse at all times. And they're peering over into it. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Dude, you know what's actually, to their credit, so I have my aura ring now, so I'm tracking my biometrics. Do you have two? Just one. This is my wedding ring. Oh, okay. Love of my wife, love of the data. And...

Dude, she has one. And I got the glimpse because they, I didn't know there's such a big part of them or their big pitch to women is they can track their cycle, which I was always like, you know, that shit's coming. What the fuck do you care, dude? So I get a readiness score every day. Not bragging today. I'm at like 91% readiness. It's pretty sick. She, she gets the same amount of sleep as me. And when she was on her period, I would peep her readiness score.

51%, dude. It goes down that bad? It goes down that bad, dude. Damn, dude. I checked her sleep. Again, eight hours. We're getting like seven, eight hours. I checked my sleep. Again, I have a problem with deep sleep. I don't know why, but it's like everything's blue. Everything's looking good. I have the little red bar for deep sleep. Hers was just red, dude.

Everything. Their body temperature goes up a couple degrees. Red is good or bad? Bad. Oh, I see. Dude, it's like they can sleep for eight hours and wake up as if I had been drinking all night. That's their baseline. They wake up like that. And you know they're crushing the franzia, too. So it's like, then they try to- They're slapping the bag. They're slapping the bag to try to hide from the pain of their period. And that only makes it so much fucking worse. Put the red in, put the red out. They

They turn into like a tandoori oven for three days a month. My wife is so hot because they're trying to burn off the walls of their uterus. It's fucked, man. I can tell when she's about to blow because she's like not using the top blanket. Batting the hatches, boys. I'll be in the crow's nest. You can bake bread on the side of her uterus. Yeah, for sure. Just slap it. What?

Dude, I didn't know. I didn't know it was that bad. I told her this. I was like, I thought you guys were just fucking dickheads. Like, I didn't know you were having, like, serious biochemical reactions, like, while you're having your period. It's brutal, dude. Yeah. A 49% drop is crazy. Bro, it's rugged, man. I saw it, and I was like, oh.

Like their body temperature is elevated, their heart rate is elevated. My heart rate at nighttime is like 53 beats a minute, bro. Whoa. It's nice. Mine's good. Dip down, dude. Mine's bad. Mine's like a rabbit. I don't know, but I know it's bad. You just have prey body. It's just...

I wake up like I need to like scurry away. They're going to hear that heartbeat and cookie, bro. The fucking Falcons that come through the window. Those night predators. Owls banging off the window. Although, and again, I'm saying this with all due respect. Do you think how do you think Asians feel about the cat eating stereotype being shifted?

They're probably pretty they were in the hot seat for a while. Yeah, that's such a bum rap to catch Yeah, I'm saying you eat cats. It's like no I don't yeah, everybody wants to be Jamaican the cats and the dogs eating cats Jamaicans eat cats? No, Jamaicans don't eat cats. I said they don't eat cats. They eat delicious goats. Yeah, they eat delicious goats. All mutton all the time. Talk about pussy. Yeah, they don't like the poon poon. Oh, true, true. Everybody wants to be Jamaican when it comes to eating cats. You don't think they eat any pussy? I have a theory that they do. Their closet pussy? No, no, no. They wear a mask.

I think when white guys turn older, we become gay and Jamaican guys start thinking about eating pussy constantly.

And then they do, and that lady comes so hard. They're like, oh, this made all my problems go away. I gratified. Well, I guess they're probably hammered up. Yeah, they're primed up, though, because they've been in a dance hall all night just, like, daggering them. And then, you know, all you got to do is touch that thing at the end of the night. That's probably pushed to start by the end of the night. If you daggered your wife for, like, six hours in a dance hall, all you got to do is just, like, pull her pants down. The breeze is going to do the rest of it.

She'd blow a kiss at it. She'd fall to her knees. If I was daggering my wife for six hours, she'd have to go to the hospital. Her hips would explode. Yeah, I'm actually... I'm going to be in the islands on a couple days. I'm heading to Turks and Caicos. Nice. I might dagger. I might dagger. I might dagger. You can't dagger on red, bro. Huh? No daggering on the red. No, I think we're off. I think the...

I think if you daggered her on red, they're so horny when that's going down. True. You're probably going to make her fucking ears fall off of her head. True. You would see like a fine red mist. She just turns to a cloud of steam. That's the pink mist right there. True. That's cool. I'm glad you're going down there. I know. I'm excited, bro. I can't wait. Wednesday, we're all heading down. The whole fan band is going to be very sick. Dude, that'll be sick. Good for you. I can't wait, dude. Well deserved. Lay in the ocean and just try to see if it'll take me away.

You're going to write weird, like Mariner poetry while you're there. You'd be a sick cast away. Like, uh,

Tom Hanks should be sick of it. Oh, yeah that problem immediately. I'll I would have put a girl wig I was kind of gay dude wig on the volleyball like a true here on the ball out of in a beautiful woman's face Also that polyvap all of all his face would have been wrecked Fucking my buddy. I love fucking my poem. Can you imagine singing? I

Fucking the volleyball from behind. Daggering the volleyball. Dude, I for real, I flirted with the idea now of getting a totally virtual road setup where it's like Oculus, Fleshlight, and just going nuts on the road. Are you going to enter the Matrix? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think I can pull the trigger, but it's something I've been...

That's your bug out bag, bro. You got to keep that thing in a chamber in the garage. I was telling this bud this weekend, I want to get a separate suitcase that's just like a torso and an oculus. Buy it to see it on the plane.

Me and the missus are going on a trip. Buy a seat for the torso on a plane. Have you ever stumbled across a torso in your buddy's house? Never in real life, though. Bro, I did. Have you seen him? It changed our relationship forever. Yeah, dude. I was like, dude, this is what you're up to? And he's like, that's not what I'm all about, man. It's not my whole thing. They're never life-size, either. They're always a little too small. Yes, exactly. Tiny heinies, bro. Tiny heinies? That's what I heard. I heard they're tiny heinies, man. A little too small. I got a BBO heinies. True. I would like a big, noisy one.

Yeah. You got a what? BBL hiney? No, I don't have one. You would think. Two beach balls. Two huge ones on the kitchen counter. Put a flower in the bottom. It's a vase, man.

You need that, man. I don't need it. I don't want to do it, but it's, again, it calls me. You got to put it in a briefcase, though. True. Just be all business about it. Like a rifle. You should get one that's the exact same dimensions as your wife, and then anytime you argue, you're like, you know what? I don't need you. I'm going to go hang out with Brittany, too. Yeah, I got to go to Brittany Tron real quick. True.

Just old home videos. I'm not cheating, honey. Just old videos of us dancing. Got it grown out of Josh. We're in business, dude. Josh Cabanza, as always. Thank you for joining us.

I am in a wicked mood right now. I'm in a good mood. I was in a cranky mood too, but a nice bro pulled up to me at the red light and was like, guard dog. I was like, yo, what's up? And I had a solid three-minute conversation with him through the window. Oh, yeah. That's awesome. He's like, where are you guys podcasting? And I was like, I almost told him our exact location.

The location's been blown. I've seen so many bros outside. I'd be like, I do a podcast right in here. Yeah, I did that today, too. He was a good bro. Shout out to him. I do encounter a lot of good bros in the wild, dude. There's a lot of... He just whipped up right next to me. I was at a place recently in Austin where we're in line waiting for a drink, and it was just a bro talking. He's like, oh, I love the cast. And we just talked like...

for like five solid minutes while we're waiting. It really was. It felt like I was just talking to an old buddy. Yeah. We're just having a good time chatting around. It was really nice. Yeah. I like that. I like it too. Rarely ever is it a punisher. Every now and again you get a punisher and you get a punisher. But it's always just a blacked out guy. Sean got punished in Tempe. I got... In Tempe? Oh, no. I got punished in...

Salt Lake. You deserve to be punched. Yeah, he was a beautiful man, and he was so... Not like...

Spiritually, he was a beautiful man. He was a little bit too drunk. And he came to both shows, sat right in the front. And I just kept taking away his ins when he would say weird stuff in the middle of the show. Take away his pellets. Shout out to Jeremy. I hope Jeremy... Jeremy, I love you, man. You know I love you. Yeah, man. I just had a little bit too much to drink. It's always the booze. The booze is home. That's when they tip over. I was at the last show in Rhode Island. There was this bro in the front row, and he was just...

chilling like rocking jean shorts and he just and he was just having so much fun he wasn't trying to be a dickhead he just couldn't he just wouldn't stop trying to get the interaction going and it was like the security came up to him and he genuinely was like what's going on I'm like bro they're gonna kick you out

He was like, why? He's like, I've never been to a comedy show before. I'm having the most fun. He's having so much fun. I think I'm winning the comedy show right now. Can you stop doing the worm? He was having a good time. He chilled out. He really, I was like, there's, I have zero faith and you're not going to get kicked out. I hope you don't. And I, you know, I was like, please, please don't kick me. Give him one more shot.

Jeremy would chill too, but then I would bother him. And I would bring him right back into it. That often happens too, where if I'm like, if he starts to suffer, I'll be like, yeah, you fucking asshole, and just fire him back up. Like, yo, man, what the fuck? Have some respect for life, come on. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Jeremy saved me on the second show. I brought him up on stage, and we took a bow together. Yeah.

I talked for like 30 minutes straight. Whoa. You're filling the time, huh, Sean? Yeah, it would have been 30. It would have been a 20-minute set.

I'm also furious right now. What's wrong? I mean, just, you know, being married to a strong woman has its pitfalls in navigating that minefield. My wife's like ISIS, so she hates the books in our house, and she destroyed my favorite painting on accident. Yeah, so she's just trying to fucking burn the libraries and the museums. And I was like, oh, so this was the one you accidentally destroyed as you're putting together an end table? Yeah.

How did it wind up exactly where you were building the end table? And she's like, well, it shouldn't have been on the ground. Oh, yes, it shouldn't have been on the ground. You should have moved it if you cared. Can I ask you a question? Does she have any of her crap on the ground? And by chance, do you ever tell her to pick that up? And does she spaz if you do? Oh, yeah. Just curious. Just a question. How long has this Sephora bag been on the stairs, honey? It's actually a tripping hazard, by the way. It's a fucking tripping hazard.

Oh, yeah, I love logic. Try to get reasonable with them. Break the last vestige of a desperate man. The points of egress are blocked. Carry them an OSHA sign. It is pathetic, man, when you start to be like, I got to win this argument. You're like, this is a fire hazard.

You're trying to kill us. You want us to die, don't you? You want me dead. I do say, I think there is something very beautiful. I was on the way over here. I might be a country music guy, by the way. Just on the ride over here. I was like... I like it too. I might just be... I was sitting here driving and I was puffing my cigar now just being like...

I'm an old man now. I'm like, dude, I'm just an old man now. I just need to tastefully deteriorate now and just kind of become gay. You got to get a chair. I know, I do. I got my sights set on a rocking chair. My dad's got it pretty much figured out. He has portable rocking chairs. My dad has the same chairs. I think they just think about dudes. I think they sit down and they're just like, fuck.

That guy who dropped off that dumpster today looks so hot. Guy dropped off that 30 yarder. My God. Who's your porch and garage garage hang? My garage is so hot that I would die. But what do you say? Like your hang? Who would you hang out with on the porch? Like in the rocking chairs with you? My goddamn self.

Anyone, anyone who wants to hang out. I'm pretty lonely, dude. Anyone who wants to hang out, you're welcome to come hang out. I feel you on that. I sat in my backyard at the new house in Michigan for like four hours yesterday. Oh yeah, you moved. I moved to Detroit. Yeah. Outside of Detroit. Well,

Wow, wow. Hey, shut up. Oh, wait. What are you doing? Yeah, timestamp. Oh, my bad. You psycho. I'm sorry. I get it. You were getting hyper-sponsored. No, I appreciate it. Well, I do. There is like this whole like stolen valor thing about saying you live in Detroit. Yeah. Anyway, so that's why I pointed at La Mer. I didn't point at you so you could say the exact address of where I've desperately been trying to hide from the dead-eyed ghouls. Dude, did you meet the black squirrels yet? Oh, have I met them?

black squirrels the black squirrels rule they're my only friends I sit surrounded by black-eyed Susans and consider where I'm gonna put the hot tub and there's just black-eyed squirrels but their their flesh is falling off their body what yeah there's like long like missing fur straps on these black squirrels oh they're fighting they fight the black squirrels fight they're mean you don't say yeah

You know, they're only about 30% of the population. Where'd you get the FBI crime squirrel statistics? Where'd you hear that from? Did you see that on the TV, too? That's Trump propaganda, man. Don't let me tell you the black squirrels are fighting. They have less resources. Dude, the black squirrels eat ribs. All right. I'll tell you what I've seen. I've seen them. The black squirrels, they get around, man. I've seen those guys in action. It's pretty awesome. But the loneliness of...

you know, being mildly successful. I wish I had nothing and I was still sleeping in a house with 16 people. Those were the days. Yeah, true. Yeah, there was a certain loneliness to be mildly successful too because it's just like, it's just you hanging out. You're like, damn, I have made a decent amount of money. Right. But not enough for like,

you know, the Jonah brothers would be like, come hang out. Or for you to even know their names. Jonah brothers. There's the Jonah brothers. Oh, you mean Fred Jonah? Can I give you a lonely guy tip on vacation? Yeah. Because I just went to Cyprus with my wife for a week and I like...

I was with her and it was great. But then day two, I saw this guy at the buffet who was doing crazy stuff with halloumi that like cheese. And I went up and I was like, what are you doing? And he like walked me through his process for like grilling halloumi. And then I'd see that guy out. And by day three at breakfast, we ended up hanging out. Like I made a vacation friend. That's all. And I think that's going to be important for you. Oh, yeah. Because, you know, you can fuck off and just go sit in the water. But you got your beautiful daughters. They're going to occupy you. Once they go to bed, you can hang out with your old lady. But if you can bring in another couple.

Not in like a sexual way. Trust me. We've done vacation friends are really fun. Because you're never going to see them again. So you tell them everything about yourself and then they do the same. And then you're like, all right, enjoy life in Ecuador. We'll hang out. If you ever, you know, and you just, yeah, you'd never see him again. I'd never want to see you again. Vacation friends do rule though. It is fun to meet vacation friends. And I think we'll probably meet some. And it's an island too. So I like can really get down on the island. I got a real island vibe.

I had my first kiss in Turks and Caicos. You had your first kiss in Turks and Caicos? Yeah, I was on vacation for him. What was his name? Sam. Don't put it on the tee unless you don't want to whack it over the fence. So how did it go down? You were just like on the resort? Did you ever see, by the way? I would have been 16, 17.

You're 17? So you were like the kid from... No, no, no. I was younger than that. I was going into high school. What's that show on HBO? It has two seasons. It's always like a warrior. You were like the dude from... Did you see that episode of White Lotus? That season of White Lotus? The little brother? The horny little brother is always jerking off and his sister is like, ew! I was gooning. And then I found love. I found love with a lovely lady that was from New Jersey like I was. What? So we bonded over that. She smelted on you. We shared a kiss in Turks and Kwikos in...

And now she's a lesbian MMA fighter. That's awesome, bro. Yeah. She flipped her. Yeah. I flipped her. She is a beast. Yeah. She filled her with feminine rage. I think she's just waiting for you. Yeah. Maybe. True. Can I come with you? You got to take her out of the octagon. Put her in the kitchen. Put her in the cocktacock. Yeah. That was just a little, I did. I forgot about that. What percentage of female UFC fighters do you think are lesbians?

At least half. 30? 30%? 30, dude. But there's some that are so beautiful. Muscle Mommies. Man, dude. Did you see Dumont? Tabitha Richie is so beautiful. Dumont? She's a beautiful muscle mommy? Yeah. Brazilian beautiful muscle mommy, Tabitha Richie. That's pretty tight. They might not even be lesbians. Just men are afraid to fuck them. That's true. Not me. Not you, no. You're not afraid of anything. You and LaMera are very adventurous. Yeah, we're not scared. No. Tabitha Richie, yeah, she's beautiful. Shout out to her.

Huh, the divine feminine. And then Alexa Grasso, she lost this weekend. She's pretty beautiful. I think they're hotter when they lose, honestly. Was that lady who lost the one who had a fucking pussy wound on her forehead? That was a different lady. That was the Dumont match, the other girl, the red French girl, that French lady. Come on, man. Damn, okay. She's that French, she's Brazilian. No, it was Aldana who got the cut. Do these ladies get like CTE? Yeah. Well, they probably already have. They're starting it. What?

Have you seen anything Ronda Rousey has said? They're down 49%. Yo, the cut this lady had was crazy. It was crazy. And they were in the spears. Oh, no, dude. Irene Allama. Did she catch an elbow or is that like a... No, they headbutted and then the lady she was fighting just kept fucking her up. I can't believe the other lady scratched her that bad.

I'm just being nasty. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Those guys are athletes, bro. That's not what I meant. That's like the physical manifestation of when I confront my wife with logic. That's what it does to her forehead. It splits open and it opens up like a mouth and it swallows me. Two legs. Yeah. It is tight. It is good, though. I think there is something to be said about just confronting the feminine over time. Dude, we used to be able to hit them.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, that was a thing. Like, shut up. Mayor, historically, you are accurate. Now, I just want to drive your... What are you going to say? I don't know. I mean, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Simple times.

You yes, it's dude Sean Connery was like on that shit. So I'll slap Yeah, you slap. Ah gets to a point where they won't listen to reason. Yeah Yeah, I get they're born and it's like it's you know, probably here's the thing You obviously can't do that and it's a shame because I think a lot of bad guys ruin that With great power comes great responsibility I mean again

There are those dudes that do that. They get a girlfriend and they slowly are like, give me your cell phone. Oh, yeah. And they just trap a lady in an apartment. It's like, yeah, those guys are definitely burning hell. But a tasteful gentleman like Sean Connery just putting down a cognac glass and be like, shut up. Doing it with a velvet glove. Sometimes you have to slap them. They're tricky. They are tricky. I'll give you that. They're tricky little vixens, man. Tricky little things. I always try to understand, man. That is weird. Like,

Those are wild, bro. We're joking, right? But like, you ever like meet a guy who hit a girl? Like they have a different type of darkness to them. Oh yeah. Like a guy who actually would hit a woman. You're like, dude, chill out, bro. I do think that happens. You get like the tap out tattooed in your body. No fear shirt on. Cause I feel like I, and look, I've never really considered it, but I think that if you break the seal on that, if you hit them once,

she's then going to retaliate my wife would retaliate for sure and then i'm not going to hit her again i'm going to be so fucking you know it's like when the bomb goes off in the bunker and you just hear like that buzzing noise that's me after hitting her and then a barrage of blows land upon me i'm undefended yeah just like take me yeah it's like i earned this yeah just do it i'm sorry i bet that that fucking makeup sex is wild yeah you're beating the shit out of that's why you do it though

all right that's why they do it okay well that's like it'll be make them appreciate dude it's i don't know it's bad no you're talking about very dark corners of the female psyche that you know it's like you don't they didn't play conversation you're not supposed to talk about and again not advising anybody to do that please no no it's one of the worst things you can do literally it is the worst thing you can do crime against the child's worst what is it crime against the child's worst yes true yeah

Yeah. Agreed. Good work, LeMaire. Look where we are. I'm sorry, guys. I've been listening to a lot of Patrice O'Neal recently. Oh, yeah. You came into the green room last night fired up on Patrice. I was like, all right, rumble, young man, rumble. I'll let you have the space. Yeah.

Definitely standing for the record. I mean, we are just doing freedom of speech and exploring darker corners of the mind. We're on the cutting edge. But, yes, it is a horrible crime to commit against any ladies. It's good that we don't do it. I just wish they'd show some appreciation for the fact that we stopped beating the fuck out of them. They seem to be a little cocky these days. I love video games, and I've broken a controller for every console I've ever had.

And I love video games. I love video games. I'm not hitting you at all. That might be one of your best analogies. I wish we could frame this moment. But that also made me think that you do like playing fighting games as the women characters. So maybe that's why this is in your head.

That's interesting, actually. I don't know. If I'm going to look at a character, I've got to see an ass. True. I mean, you are about to jerk off when you're done playing video games. You might as well prime yourself up. Dude, nothing's better than jerking off after you win at video games. There's nothing better than that. Spoils of war. There's nothing better than that, dude. You have a good day of NBA 2K, you're like... I've got to beat it off.

I gotta go to the bathroom. Pardon me. You're gonna go powder mine too. Your parents come in, you're like, get out. I earned this. Get out. You see that trophy on the screen? I earned that. This is my space. See that digital confetti? You're spilling something. Yeah, your parents just hear flawless victory. Okay, don't knock on the door. Let them have this.

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What have you guys been up to? I haven't seen you guys in a while. I've been traveling, rambling. Man, I think you guys have been as well. You've been moving around. I've just been here recently. Oh, really? Yeah. How was your B-Day party, bro? It was nice. It was cool. It was fun.

It was nice. We just hang out. We barbecued. My brother grilled. He put on some ribs. Yeah, that was good. That was awesome. Swam. It was a good time. Yeah, we swam. What did we do? I can't even really remember. We had a chill vibe. Drank the whole week. Yeah, we drank a lot. Did you drink your birthday week? Yeah. Are you a birthday week guy? No. How old were you turning if you don't mind me asking? 34. That's nice. That's nice. Time to give it up. For your 30th, I remember we got...

the fuck dude we set this up and I thought it was going to pay off so much harder that was pretty great actually were you drinking out of the rig did you say okay I thought I really thought he was just ripping that I thought that was your new thing I was supportive of it I was just going man that really took me by surprise it does

That's awesome. Before you got here, he was poking holes in it. And I was like, are you making a water bong? And he says, no. And then he just squirted it in. And we were like, okay, save this for about 40 minutes in because they're going to think you're so strong that you just squeezed water through the lid. Yeah. That's pretty sick, though. That's fun.

That does seem kind of nice. ASMR. Although I'm just a gay old man. I don't know why. I love that. I've been hitting it. I'm off porn, but I'm back on. Okay. I'm off. I've deleted my bad Reddit, and I've deleted my OnlyFans, but I still have my Twitter list. You know what I mean?

So I'm like off, but I'm still... And I've been... I don't know. What was the only fans tab before you get into the list? What do you mean? How much was the monthly fee? It wasn't much. How much of an allowance were you giving the girls? I was giving myself like $30 a month. Yeah, it's not bad. That's not bad. Yeah. Do you feel like it was worth it for $30? Again, I'm not being one of those guys like, oh, I'd never pay for that. No, that's... I've thought about it several times. My credit cards are unmonitored. If it's a girl who posts frequently and it's the stuff you like...

And it's like $5. It's worth it. For sure. But there's some girls who post infrequently and then it's like $15. And it's like, come on. True. Come on. You start hitting them like, where I pay the bills around here? I put a roof over your fucking head. And I hate it. I got rid of OnlyFans because all the girls, they all messaged the same thing. They're like,

Send me a picture of your cock so I can give you a dick rating for free. It's like, no, I don't. That's the last thing I want. Yeah, no. And then you say, send me a picture of your cock. You first. How's it feel to be free of the OnlyFans shackles? It's nice. It's nice. But I can still get got. Not by OnlyFans, but like real life. How so?

You know, you just see a lady. Sometimes you get sent to your knees, dude. Yeah. It's tough out here, too. Yeah, we were actually... Where the fuck was I? I was somewhere. I don't remember the exact place, but I was there. Me and Brittany came with me. We were at a show afterwards. We were at a bar. And there was for sure a prostitute sitting next to us. In a fishnet dress, basically. Yeah.

supple young lady and uh yeah it was pretty funny man she was just sitting there and like it just women love seeing prostitutes by the way Brittany was like fucking I think she's a prostitute yeah she is get out of the way let's switch scenes let me protect you I'll be the shield no it was uh it was very funny she was a hooker I was like yeah I think I think she was uh duh

Where the fuck? I'm sorry. I'm not trying to globetrot everybody. I don't remember what city I was in. I was just in Tempe, and they have some of the finest snow bunnies I've ever seen in my entire life. Tempe's snow bunny heaven, man. Apparently, that's where they are. If it ain't snowing, I ain't going.

Salt Lake has good snow bunnies too, but the Mormons were crazy. I like the Samoans the best though. I couldn't stop talking about the Samormons. They're all Mormons. They're two or one Mormons. There's Samormons? Samormons, yeah. Oh, they're numerous, dude. Whoa. Because the missionaries got out to Hawaii and Tonga and Samoa and planted those seeds. And now that's why BYU and Utah have the best offensive lines.

I said, I did it for the program. Oh yeah. Doing another funny joke at the Mormons and the Simone's, uh, bonded over their mutual love of pineapples. That was one of my funny jokes from my funny joke show too. That was one of the funny ones. Well, Sean will hit me up on the road and be like, where are you? And I'll tell him and then he'll be like, uh,

I hate it here. I'm like, what, dude? You're living the dream. You're out there. You're moving tickets. I was happy this weekend. Yeah, I mean, I'm so proud of you. And I think a lot of people are. And I think you need to reflect on what's going on for yourself. I'm trying to be. I was in a funk for a while. It's cool to be mired in doom and gloom as a young man. I understand that. But once you break through that and you realize that every moment's a gift, you're going to live a lot richer life. I'm getting there. Yeah, dude, you're about to be 30. Grow up. Yeah. Ha ha ha!

You gotta shave your pubes. God damn, I'm sorry. God damn, LaMare. Yeah, it's weird too, especially when you start, fart, excuse me, when you start headlining. It's hilarious. It's a comedy show. When you start headlining, there is that weird, like, it's like a crazy loneliness to go from doing a show to go like back in your hotel room alone. You feel like, oh, Josh, man, this is where you're the fucking best, brother. Jay Munn is great.

It is weird to go from being around hundreds of people to just sitting in a hotel room by yourself. It feels crazy. Yeah, people who are screaming your name and losing it, and then you do the merch line afterward, and they're all so stoked, and they tell you how...

how the impact their shit's made on their life then you just go back to that room and you're like okay what do I do now besides self harm time to watch comics unleashed dude oh Mario Cantone's back every time I sit there and I just eventually fall into just like studying various rat beefs like I'll just watch a video for three hours about like young thugs beefs before he dude that trial is so fucking funny

Have you seen any of the compilations? He's going to get off. I think he will. Did you see Little Woody? No, the guy who doesn't snitch? Yes. Oh, he snitched. Dude, I was on Butterly's podcast recently, and he was playing clips. It's funny as fuck, but that was fresh in my mind, so I started looking at the guy, Little Woody. And dude, they're impossible to interrogate. Because they'll just be like...

They'll be asked a question and they'll be like, well, I'm a liar. So anything I tell you, anything I said before was probably a lie. But so I can tell you, I'll tell you something, but it might be a lie. That way they're not perjuring themselves. They say they are a lie. It's crazy. That rules. Dude, you have like...

or prosecutors trying to like crush these guys and it's just like... But wait. I feel like I'm watching... If I was in the jury, I'd be like, this guy's winning. Did they sign... Did they like do the Bible thing? The oath? Yeah, but he... Little Woody had... Little Woody had immunity. So like he couldn't get in trouble for anything. They wanted him to go like testify because he was originally saying... Pinning everything on...

Young thug. But then he said, he goes, yeah, that's just because I wanted to get out of trouble. He's like, so yes, I did testify saying he did those stuff, but I did lie. And I already went to jail and he can't, I have immunity so I can't get in trouble for it. Dude's kind of a legal genius. It's like reverse Socratic logic. It's great, dude. It's crazy, man. And he'll like, and they'll like keep firing him up and he'll be like, what does a, why'd you shrug your shoulders? I'll be like, because they're my shoulders. Yeah.

You can't argue. He's like, yes, they are your shoulders. He's like, what does 357 mean? He goes, numbers. Is it a gang? He's like, I don't know. If you think it is, it might be, but I don't think it is. It might be. Who knows? It's like, it's true. It might be a gang. It's like quicksand. Dude, these guys, it's impossible to nail these dudes down. It's so funny. And as soon as you do kind of get them, they'll literally be like, why are you being all negative, man? I don't want to be thinking about all this shit. You're so good. It's so...

Man, I wish this guy the best. I hope Lil Woody just gets out and puts us all behind him. That's how you fill the hours of your night, Sean. Get to the bottom of Lil Woody. Is it Woody and not Wody? It's Woody. Lil Woody. Yeah, it's not Wody. Lil Wody? He's not from the 504. Okay.

Although, Young Thug did have a significant beef with Lil Wayne, which he went to the Magnolia area and also got booed. Lil Wayne is mad that Kendrick is doing the halftime show. I know. Birdman said that's some BS. Yeah, I kind of agree. I think so too. I would love a Wheezy halftime show. It would be nice, but they don't really do rappers. They're having Kendrick Lamar. They're having fucking Kendrick Lamar. Kendrick Lamar is like the first rapper.

Yeah, who did? It wasn't it was a shady aftermath Super Bowl, but that was like three years ago. Okay. Well dude, but it rap doesn't happen often It doesn't happen often. It doesn't it doesn't well, you know now it was on that one - he was on that one the the black Super Bowl

Black Avengers Super Bowl halftime show. True, it's not common, but I think it'll become more and more. It's because Jay-Z runs it now. He picks all the Super Bowl stuff. Right, I forgot he became the official. Because it's Apple Music? Well, the NFL was racist and they paid Jay-Z to be their official black guy. It all went away. It's all forgiven. Just like H&M. Just like Papa John. And yes, Shaq with Papa John. It's a classic technique. When are you going to get the racist apologies bag? You could definitely get that. Would it?

me yeah if some big guy if some big like corporation goes down jump in and be like guys i can make this all right i'll smooth this over for you because what is jay-z's his position is like a liaison yeah he's definitely just a liaison he's like black culture liaison no i think that is the fixer for the streets

Because that's the big thing. But I do think, what do they give him? Is it like an ownership type position? Or is it like... Well, in what? H&M or like in... NFL. What is it? I don't... In the NFL, he might have a stake. He might have a small share in that. I think. That's pretty nice. Probably in some team, though. He's like the black union boss. He's like, get these guys in line. Yeah. He's the Pinkerton, but not pink. Yeah.

Yeah, that was a... Nobody's kneeling right now, right? No, kneeling's over. Kneeling's done. Yeah. Taylor Swift fixed everything. Black people are done kneeling. We're standing up now. True. Can I tell you, you guys thought about this? You know Tua, the quarterback? Yeah, I was saying. Demar Hamlin. So Demar Hamlin lived. Huck Tua. I was

I was like, talk about the lady. Have you guys heard about this? You seen this? You heard about this? Can you believe it? Talk to her. Yeah, that's a guy who just got knocked out, right? Yeah, so Tua's brain was put in the paint shaker by a guy who died on the field. So that guy lived to kill Tua.

Yeah. This is a strange, strange cosmic coincidence. Yeah, a bit of a Highlander situation. Yes, indeed. He took his soul. I saw him lower his head, and it was like, dude, what are you doing? I mean, obviously, Beast move. That's how I play Madden, but it's like, you didn't have to do that, man. He fully just like, no reason, already had the first down. He went Hawaiian battering ram. He did. Yeah. He did. He was like the Dole Corporation on the islands. Yeah, dude. Yeah.

That's crazy. He was fucked, bro. He came up puppet-sized. What's his status? Is he all right now? I think he's going to have to retire. I was texting Soder because he knows the head coach of the Dolphins. And he's like, it's not looking good. Yeah. That sucks, bro. I mean, they changed the concussion protocol because he got two in one game last year. Ugh.

And then they're like, oh, it's fine. And now he's out there. It's a bad state of affairs. What if we fixed every player to bumper car strings? Love it. That way we could pull back a little bit. Or yeah, attach a tether from the back of their head to their shoulder pads so they can't lower their head. True. If you try to lower your head, it just yanks you back up. I think we've... Shock collars, maybe? Yeah, maybe like knight's armor. Maybe like stiff metal armor. Yeah.

Mech suits would be great. Mech suits would be awesome. Mech suit football would rule. Finally, the Japanese can have a place in the game. There's a kicker on the Falcons, but that's about it. Dude, the Tokyo Gundams would fuck everybody up. Yeah, that guy's done, though. And it's brain. Usually it's like knee or this. It's like, dude, fucking, that sucks, dude. He was good, too. He was great. He was starting for one of the most explosive offenses in the game.

Yeah. It's a shame. I hope he makes it back. I mean, at that point, what do you do? I do, too, because I took the over on total yardage for the year. I was like, he's going for over $3,500. So you think he'll really retire now? I hope so. He kind of has to. He can retire and go to Hawaii and coach high school football and be a king for the rest of his life. That's true. Yeah, and it's not like, again, what took him out is playing like an absolute beast. He would get ruined by all those other Samoans, though.

They'd be like, you go to the NFL and you quit because of your head? Because Samoans have hard heads. Yeah. But he's Hawaiian. You got to, there's a whole scene over there. They're different? You know the easiest way to get your ass kicked by a Samoan? Call them a Tongan. Oh, no, I would never do that. Or tell them that their cookies are banging, dude. Yeah, those cookies are banging, dude. I can't believe you gave those to the Girl Scout cookie. Why can't I get those year-round, player?

They changed the name of those things, by the way. They're called Caramel Delights. Now they named them after Puerto Ricans. Touchdown. I think it's location-based. Regionally, in some places, it's still Samoa on the bottom.

on the box. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah. You think that might be, you might be getting some swaggy girl's, it might be like the old stuff. That's like last year's outdoors, dude. I think you're getting like some really old weed. You're getting fucking trim. Remember getting trim back in the day and you'd be like, I'm rich. You get a fucking trash bag full of leaf matter and it's all moldy and you'd be like, I'm going to be smoking hash forever. Back in the day.

This was not that long ago. I had a lot of trim at one point. I was buying dry ice from this place in South Philly, and I had these hash bags, and I would just sit in my basement and just shake.

I mean pounds and pounds of chips. Yeah. So nice. It was the best. But yes, it does. It did feel so sick to have like literally trash bags full of weed. There were some nugs in there. There were some popcorn nugs. Yeah, you'd be digging through those popcorn nugs like a black squirrel. This guy doesn't even know what he gave me. This is crazy. What an idiot. There's a lot of ladybugs in this bag. I heard that's good for you.

I just remember... I would remember literally smoking like spider webs in a pipe. Like, this is free. I'm the smartest man alive. Yeah, getting trim is so sweet, dude. Although, I will say the cursed PA medical program, man. Don't get me started. They sell trim to patients. Oh, I remember you were pissed about that. It's crazy, bro. And dude...

I mean, you know, God obviously has a plan because I smoked so much trim in my day. So I bought shake from the PA dispensary. Shame on you guys, by the way. And it hit my lungs and I went...

That's fucking trim dude. That is not ground nougat. Yes, and I was like motherfuckers and I confront of them and they were like well You know the dude literally looked at me goes. That's just the game dude. I might get the fuck the game It's acting like a fucking kingpin State-sanctioned entity the game Dude it killed me. I was just like brother you have no fucking idea what you're talking about But yeah, I'd shame on the Pennsylvania medical marijuana shame you guys are fucking joke. I

compared to every other state I see. Every other state's fucking chill. Dude, in Oklahoma, you can just get a grow permit. Oklahoma rules. Their weed's good, too.

Oklahoma rules. Tempe had good weed. That used to be the scariest place to drive through with weed. When I'd be driving from Denver into the greater Midwest, you go through Oklahoma and they would just have, if you had Denver, Colorado plates and you go to Oklahoma, you're getting pulled over. Yeah. And yeah, I've been, I've had the car dumped out various times. Yeah. They see them. They see them plates. They say, hold on. Good thing you stick your joints in your asshole. Well, I used to, we would fucking put them right on our taint. You take your bag and you put it on the taint and you'd sit on it.

And the issue with that, though, is you get fucking hot when you're nervous. Can I have one of those right now? Smoking.

Hopefully you get a 65 year old cop. Oh, fuck. He's definitely going to check. Nobody has to know about this. I remember getting pulled over and sitting on the weed. And then as you're like sitting there nervous, your body temperature rises. So all of a sudden you're fucking making hash in your shorts. So scary. Lay an egg. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm glad they figured it out, though. Dude, now, though, state of weed's crazy. Now, with the THCA, do you like... I mean, I've talked about this before. It's just... I don't actually need to talk about it, but it's like... You literally get... You can just get weed now. It's THCA, and it's legally, totally legally on board. It's THCA. Until you like it. Which is not illegal because THCA is not psychoactive. Yeah. But if you subject it to the heat of a flame...

Interesting. I don't know. Whenever I smoke that kind of stuff, I don't like it. I was in Rome and they had that THC. Delta 9, all this other stuff. Delta 8. I hate Delta 8.

No. THCV is the, it's like the more psychoactive version of THCA. Really? Yeah. I'm sure it would spin me out. I had to just start smoking live rosin because it has all the terps stripped out of it. But I don't think it does though. I think live rosin, you told me that and I thought about it. I was like, I think you might be smoking a distillate.

Distillists have terp strip. Rosin keeps, if it's live, the whole point of live rosin is they kept the terps. It's cold water. It's just cold water is all this is made from. It's pretty much just like bubble hash from back in the day. Terps intact. But my scientist told me that there's no terps in there, and that's why I can smoke it. You're a scientist? Yeah, I have a scientist who like, you know...

He could be right. Yeah, he totally could be right, but I guess maybe there's less term. No, it's not Becker. Becker's not a scientist. Becker was walking into these fucking dispensaries in Rome and buying, like, you know, some, like... He came out literally of a fucking THCA dispensary in Rome with his thumb just with a big ball of goo on it. And he's like, they hooked it up. They hooked it up. They couldn't put it in a bag for you? Yeah, that's my scientist. Yeah.

They gave him the booger. Way to go, buddy. That was so fun. We should have asked you about your travels. Yeah, dude. Oh, no. The travels were fun. It's great to be going on a trip with your boys to a beautiful city. And we brought the wives this time. Oh, nice. So we had bitch planet, and we were just the fucking... We were a satellite of bitch planet. We were just a moon to them. They kept spinning. Yeah, a fat moon.

Although vacations usually, that's the highest spirits, a lady. If you take a lady in a different place, man, the spirits soar. And also it's like, hey, ladies, we're going to go do some fucking boring shit, a.k.a. go to a soccer game. But hey, we set you up with spa. We've got your spa treatment. It's very easy to...

That is that will abandon to negate their need. True. No, I feel like they do. They need like more. They just need to be like rubbed down and just like squeezed. Yeah. You know, that will you can really put a lady at bay if you send her into the spa, man. They love that. And if you set it up, if you thought about them and you say, hey, tomorrow at three o'clock,

You're pampered. Yep. I can finally finish this Japanese crime novel. Yeah, they do love the spa. I mean, Vacation Bay is the best version. It's the best version of me, too, I think. Maybe that's why they're doing better is because I'm better in that moment. I don't know. I don't know. You can be a pretty nice guy sometimes. I still punish you. I've never been on a vacation. Oh, dude, it's crazy, bro. I mean, it's...

Imagine if you could somehow give the pussy a Mario star. It's crazy, bro. It goes, it goes, just, it's nuts. Yeah. It's like pre-breakfast. I haven't had any coffee yet. You're not going to brush your teeth? Let's go. Yeah.

Yeah, it's nuts, man. I've literally looked into just becoming a coconut farmer multiple times. Why do I live in America? I can just stay here. It's pretty nice. I get tons of pussy all the time. Why do I live over there? Oh, yeah, because I love you. Great. I'm saying with her, I'm like, I might as well just bring you here. We can just be like...

Peasants in the Dominican Republic. Well, I guess because you're not living there when you're living in the all-inclusive It is kind of like King life. Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's try this place to say it's just four restaurants are all the fucking same on the thing You could just move to Moldova though or like one of these Balkan states and by like what was once a Feudal castle and you just live in there. Yeah, there's just there's so many fucking that's my bug out back Wi-Fi is bad in the castle, though

Okay, yeah, that's true. I'm thinking about kind of like getting hit and stuff. Yeah, I'm trying to tap out of the digital realm. Not you. It would be funny to be in a castle like on Instagram and be like, what the fuck? Trying to go live. Hey guys.

I think Bono lives in a castle, doesn't he? Bono for real lives in a castle next to fucking Enya. Enya lives in a castle too. She never leaves. Enya and Bono? She's just fucking sealed herself in that castle. Yeah, bro. Exactly. I think Bono has taken her down. She doesn't have like a...

A long... She doesn't have a family or anything. She's just dedicated to making, like, wild... Binaural beats. She's dedicated her life to beautiful binaurals. Mm-hmm. Yeah, dude, check out Enya's house. Enya has, like, Bono's Castle. Sick as fuck, dude. E-N-Y-A. That was tough.

Enya's got a fucking nasty place too. Look at this. Yeah, Enya's got like a rival castle. You need Wi-Fi in there, Lemaire? Yes. Fair enough. She looks ghoulish. You're just playing your Switch by like a torchlight. You're lighting candles. All of your games are like sealed with wax. You have your own stamp. I'm still so mad you told me I had to grow up.

You of all people. I've been seething silently over it for the past 20 minutes. You've been putting up there for a while. Yeah, I was cranky. I had to get it off my chest. I was going to be so nosy and say nasty things to you, and I just bit my tongue for 20 minutes. Yeah, there's been blood running out of your mouth. I'm glad I got that off my chest. Oh, my God. Now I can love you again like a brother. I know. I love you. I'm sorry.

I was just in my food. That was shrapnel. I've been trying to go on walks. I realized I was depressed for a while because I went on a walk and I left my phone at home and I was like, I've never walked around my neighborhood and I felt institutionalized as I was walking. I was like...

It was really embarrassing. I was like, dude, I haven't lived like a human since I've moved here. I've just been on my computer all day and then I leave at night when the sun goes down. How long have you been here now? Almost a year. Because you got here in October. I got here in November. I was crab swirled for the first seven months. I usually don't drink that much. I was drinking a lot of

for me i was drinking a lot personally when i was down here i was just like crushing tequila like non-stop movement and yeah eventually i just like was like i gotta chill the fuck out yeah yeah i think i'm finally getting out of my swirl which is nice i've been trying to reduce the screen time around the neighborhood is go outside that's nice i had never walked around my neighborhood once so nice walking what's the matter with me dude no that makes sense i can see i can see uh

I never took you for like a long walk guy, but it's the best. It's the best for you. It's fantastic. It's good, and I've been having ideas again. I was like having zero ideas, and I was feeling like I was in such a rut. And then once I started walking, I've just been having ideas again. I was like, oh, thank God. Have you met your neighbors? I know a couple, but I've known a couple of them for a while. I see. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm telling you that those walks are like it's the best thing in the world, just taking a nice long walk.

I love it. Yeah, that's my new jam. I think that's the problem with the phone is that it becomes easy to offload all your thoughts onto the phone. It's instant content. Yeah. I use it, I think, to have zero thoughts. Yeah, completely deadened. I feel like it deadens. Yeah. I'm like, no ideas.

And yeah, you know, I'm always like, I'm doing research. I'm gonna get something out of this. I get nothing out of it. I just stare at it. Someone told me about dopamine stacking. How you, if you like, I would watch videos on my phone or like, you know, YouTubes or I was watching Entourage on my phone for a while and I would play Call of Duty. It just like,

While you're playing Call of Duty while watching Entourage? While just like listening to Entourage. Dude, I knew a guy who used to do that. And it's a dopamine stick. According to Huberman. Someone told me that the other day. Huberman advises against a dopamine stick? Yes. It says it just dulls your whatever the fuck. Dude, I used to go into a, you know, look, I'm pausing myself out. I'm just like, I used to go in this guy's room. I was selling weed. And dude, like I would go in there to drop the sack. And like he would. Hey, that's crazy. Yeah.

Dude, he would have music on, on like a speaker, have his laptop going, and have like vidyas or a movie at the same time. And I'd always be like, God damn, dude. That's a dopamine stack. Keep yourself from having any thoughts. So I'll try to stay away from that as of the last couple weeks. Yeah, you're just shaking digital keys in front of your face all day. It was bad. And I was like, why am I so sad all the time? I don't think I think at all.

We've covered this before. Yeah, I could have told you that, brother. I don't either that much, but I've been trying to get off it. What happens when you eat a lot of mushrooms? What is the...

What's going on? I don't eat a lot of mushrooms. Okay. I always go, I've never gone past like an eighth. Okay, that'll get your thoughts moving. Like, what happens? I don't know. It goes straight to my shoulders and I just have to move. It's like giving them to a dog. Just want to run around. I know that because my dog had fucking mushrooms one time, unfortunately. I can tell. He just wanted to get out there and just move around. Dude, I get the zoomies.

You've never had like profound, like when you're on mushrooms, like a... No, there was one time I got one. I had a McCusker chocolate and I just had to lay down with my eyes closed and I just like visited aliens. There you go. That's what I'm talking about. You have a lot of thoughts, man. Yeah, dude. I think you're... Yeah, exactly. That's kind of my point. You're a very curious person. Like when my buddy came in last night, he was that physicist. Yeah. You immediately hit him with, if you're a physicist, why don't I float? Yeah.

I was like, okay. Tell me you're not having any thoughts. Get the fuck out of here, bro. Answer the question, sir. But I don't know why. Why don't I? Sean, grow up. Okay.

Explain gravity. No, he tried to say gravity. He was like, I don't believe in that shit. He doesn't believe in gravity? That's a good point. Don't give me that bullshit about gravity. Why don't I float? I just got let him know, dude. Were you talking about in the pool? Why don't I stand like this? Yeah. No, just like in the air. You should be floating.

True. Technically, well, yeah, I guess we are, but we're not floating, but the orb we're on is floating. Yeah. It's kind of sick. Yeah. Flying monkeys in space. Where are we at time-wise, Josh? We're at an hour. God damn it, just like that. You feel the hour hit a podcast and you go, what the fuck happened? I'm all out of ideas. Yeah. Sam.

Thank you so much for doing this, bro. Dude, thank you for having me. This is like the only time we could have hung out. I know. Unfortunately, dude, I gotta fucking go to the beach and lay in the water. I have to go cook a baba ganoush with Tommy Pope. Oh, you're doing the cooking show? Yeah. Lick a dish. Ever since Chris O'Connor abdicated his role. He's not doing cooking anymore? I don't know what's going on. Maybe this is no one's business, but Chris, yeah. Oh, he doesn't want to cook. Maybe, you know. Tommy featured in the club and...

He was spilling tea. Anyway. Chris doesn't want to cook. Boy doesn't want to cook. Yeah, exactly. Well. Thank you for having me. Thank you, brother. Appreciate you. Hey, come see me in Philly, by the way. Come to Denver. I'm doing Helium the first weekend of November. Come to Denver for Thanksgiving weekend. Listen to Chubby Behemoth. Thank you, guys. I really love hanging out with you guys. It sucks we have to monetize our chill time. It does suck. Does it, though? Hey, I always say, does it? Why?

People say that and I go, does it? It's kind of fucking awesome. And also, we fucking actually had good in-depth conversations. That's what I'm saying. You know, it wasn't me being like, so how was your Providence? Dude, imagine if prostitutes could all hang out with each other and get paid. Yeah.

They do. Yeah, but we don't need anyone. Imagine if we needed someone just like coming on us the whole time. We don't even have to get cummed on. We don't have to get cummed on. Guys, guys, October 10th, I'll be at Hilarity's Comedy Club in Cleveland, Ohio. The Wilbur in Boston, Massachusetts. That is October 18th. Milwaukee Improv, my God. And guys, the big one, the New York City Comedy Festival. They won't shut the fuck up about me bringing a video. Guys.

I'll be there. I'll be there with you. 11-16, I'll be in Town Hall, New York, New York, part of the prestigious New York Comedy Festival. I'm excited. I can't wait. And also Capital One Hall, Tysons, Virginia. I booked two, I think theaters prematurely, so please fill the line. I'm going back to clubs after that. Please come, guys. I booked the Bridgeport Stress Factory prematurely. Oh, no. Have you been there before? No.

I've heard it's a fucking meat grinder so hey tickets are very available for that weekend October 1st first Tuesday of the month Creek in the Cave Mela Marinade Ari Matty will be there Dylan Sullivan will be there

he's lost all of our good buds will be there really and nate marshall of course comedy club indianapolis i'll be there in the red room and then at the comedy cabin in jamesville that weekend that's fun you're gonna have a fun time butterly jamesville where jay's aware uh wisconsin okay okay cool cool you're like the mayor when you do that yeah when you do that room they like come and give you a key to the city thank you so much for coming to jamesville what happened is everything okay

Well, hell yeah. God bless you. Thank you, bros. Sayonara.