Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Yo, there's a lot going on finally some news. It's been I've been waiting for a bridge to get hit by a fucking boat Yeah, dude, there's been nothing going on. That's I mean, yeah, thank God for the podcasting world The podcasting world will solve this issue. We're like bugs on world events. We just fucking Something terrible happened did he's a molester The dead layer did learns in super trouble, dude. He's in big trouble. Did we break that story?
We were pretty close. We were early on the diddler. You knew who broke that story? Kanye? Yeah, he broke it. He was a fed, hard. Yeah, he knew. No, yeah, he's not fed. Yeah, he was like Diddy and Meek are feds. Yeah, that's pretty crazy. 50 is hinting, dude.
Yeah. At the Jigga Man. At Hov. At Hov being... I mean, the black community, a huge swath of the black community already has him on, like, Sus Patrol big time. Just, it's Illuminati charges. He had early Illuminati charges. Early ones. Who knows? That's just being involved with potentially the intelligence services.
Yeah. Potentially. Again, I don't know. I don't know. I think it's pretty clear that this is... The Clintons. How do the Clintons get you? Dude, if you're a rapper and the Clintons hit you up, like, yo, we want you to do this thing, how in the world are they able to get you to do that? Yeah, it works. Unless... I'm not going to say it. That was the funniest clip of all time. It's number one. I'm not going to say who did it. Dude, the... Yeah, I was telling you on the way here, Diddy's wife sued...
allegedly for him bringing the bros through the professional bros dude imagine you're on a date cassie's allegations were that cassie's excuse me cassie's allegations were that the diddler would take her out for a nice dinner and then call like the dancing bear troop to come through yeah he had the plug for fucking pro dudes yeah
The dude driving outside and he's talking about how did he has bus buses filled with little kids coming to his house at 3 a.m. all the time. It was white neighbors said that. No, that one was a black neighbor. That article was good, though. You need to bring that up from the root. Dude, that was great. You fuck with the root at all. Let me already fuck with the root.
That's probably what's scrambling your fucking mind, dude. No, dude, I don't fuck with the Root. I never heard of it. You never heard of the Root? No. There's the Root. There's Mother Jones. I heard of Mother Jones. Wild fucking articles. The Root ran an article being like, Diddy's white neighbors are the problem. Diddy's white neighbors call the cops because they don't like him having too much sex in parties. Yeah, the Karens. They're trying to blame this on the Karens. Which is like, dude, I don't know, man.
we need more karens bro we might dude we might have to go on karen arrest we shunned the karens and since then crime's gone through the roof it's true that's true you know white lady crimes only predators you know true it is a symbiotic relationship yeah we need karen's about out and about because now they're ashamed now it's like i don't want white ladies feeling like they can't call the police if they you know then they feel that way people's lives got ruined
for calling the police. Apartment. Remember the Central Park lady? Which one? Oh, yeah, yeah. The bird watcher guy? Yeah. I think he was being weird as fuck to that lady. He said he was going to kill her dog. Probably, yeah. And then she started swinging it around. Yeah, she said, you're not going to kill me. I'm going to fucking kill my dog. Well, I mean, we got to check in. We should do an investigative report and see how apartment complexes' pools are going. So that's when Karen's freak...
If you're chilling by the apartment complex pool and all of a sudden you see like 12 black teenagers, you start going, I didn't see wristbands. I didn't see wristbands. They're not going to ruin my pool day. I'm trying to read some Grisham. Really? Yeah, dude. I'm just trying to lay in the sun. Trying to read The Rainmaker. Some legal thrillers. Yeah, I mean, dude, there is no harsher vibe than the apartment complex pool.
This might be the harshest vibe of all time. There's one dude standing with his arms out of the pool. The apartment complex pool is rough. Watching like two Puerto Rican kids jumping in and out of the water. The Ocon man's in one right now. Is he really? Yeah, he's got one up there. Oh, that's got to be nice. You got to swim so soft and gently. Oh, we talked about it last time. LaMare got there and he was in a bad mood and the babes were at the pool and he was grumpy about it. Why? Why?
I would be good to see my fat body. Yeah, I would rather I would rather black teens than babes. Yeah, dude, every single day. I'd rather have the black teens. No, no ditty on that for real. True. Yeah, take that back. That's a big diddler comment. Big diddler.
Big diddler. A busload. I downloaded Twitter again just to follow the diddler. The diddler, black Twitter on the diddler was as funny as it gets. It's, dude, it's unbelievable. Yeah, and especially, dude, busloads of kids is kind of wild. Just any Twitter. I don't know why I said black Twitter, but you know. No, black Twitter is a distinct entity. It's like they cover, I mean, dude, I follow the Meek stuff. Dude, how about the audio of them fucking? It's clearly just gay porn.
It's just gay porn. There's no way it's audio. Here's the audio of them fucking... You think it's actually meek. How could you tell that it's meek? It's just a gay guy being like, yeah. He has a distinctive voice. That's actually... Have you heard it yet? No. That's what it sounds like. That's just how he raps all the time. I'm rapping. It does sound like he's rapping. No, it doesn't. I think...
Audio make me off. I got a hundred pumps. Hold up. Wait a minute. Hey, yo. That's disturbing, dude. I know, it's vulgar. What?
That's absolutely disturbing. It's just the video of that guy's scream coming. I know. That's hurtful, dude. Because then it's just a picture of Diddy and Meek while the audio is playing. Really? You could put a hit piece out on anybody. Yeah, dude. Just get a picture of two people and just play gay porn and be like, here's leaked audio. This is them. I found their... I was outside their bedroom recording audio.
I had a wire. I was in the corner jacking off with my shirt on so as not to expose my wire. I surrounded myself with six male prostitutes for protection.
But you know what? I'll give this to Diddy. On that one with his wife, Cassie, maybe he suffered from a bad case of like self-gifting. You know when you think something's really sick and you get it for someone and they're like, this isn't really my thing? Yeah. He was probably like, yeah, six gigolos. Everybody's going to want this. Diddy was probably like, dude, this is what I do all the time on my birthday. Yeah. Dude, having the plug on six male prosts is like, you know how deep you got to be in hookers to find that many male prostitutes?
That's fucking gross. Yeah. I don't know. You'd have to get pretty in the mix of hookers just to find male pros. I mean, I guess he probably had the escort service. He probably had the ultimate plug. But that's fucking... Dude, if true, my God. Those boys are probably having fun, though. The six pros. Fucking for Diddy? How hard would you fuck for Bad Boy Entertainment? Oh, man.
I'd go as hard as I could for bad boy. Now I'm West Coast, by the way. Oh, yeah, Drew. I used to be East Coast till I died. You'd be death row now. Now I'm death row. You'd just hang Diddy's wife by her ankles over a hotel balcony instead of fucking her like Suge Knight. Did you see that they said, I think it was Jay-Z's Big Pepper video was filmed on Epstein Island? Nah. I saw it. Now it's Fiesta with R. Kelly. R. Kelly, yeah. Fiesta, Fiesta. I think it was filmed in Miami, but it's fun to say it.
I looked it up. The Illuminati changed the Google search to, and they said it was in Miami. It's like, bro, that was obviously on Epstein's Island. I think I saw it. Nickelodeon logos shaped like Epstein's Island. Come on, dude. Really? It's definitely not just a splat. Yeah, true. Yeah, that'll, I mean, dude, I'm just curious of who's all going to go down with the diddler. Because he's going to, he'll probably. He's going to get suicided. You think so? Yeah.
Yeah, but who's going to... If he's got the dirt on Jay-Z, Hope's not going to let that out. Do you think they'll hang him with a Gucci scarf? Yeah, they could do that. They could just say he was trying to jack off, strangling himself. True. Everyone would be like, yeah, definitely. He got smothered under like 18 male prostitutes. He died in a stampede. In a dog pile. In a scrum.
Those dog piles get vicious, though. I bet. You ever been on the bottom one, not sexually? I played rugby, dude. You get down there, you go, get off me, get the fuck off of me.
Ow! You stepped on me. That was my favorite. Whenever it's, yeah. In football, like if somebody scored a touchdown, just jumping on them and having them be like, yeah, yeah. Dude, get the fuck up. Yeah, it's been a very shameful week in the press. Very shameful. And then there's the Nickelodeon documentary that came out. I watched that. That's what I was watching the last two years. It's a tough watch. Yeah. It's a very uncomfortable watch. I've yet to see it, but I believe it's probably pretty brutal. Yeah.
I've heard about that guy forever, by the way. Schneidman? Schneider got off easy on that. I know. They were just saying he didn't get accused of any sexual assault in that. He did not. In the documentary, no. Okay. But they had the bros were sneaking around, dude. That's what I heard. A couple bros got caught on all that. Catch and release. Really? Yeah. Dude, I knew. I used to watch all that when I was younger. I was like, this shit is not funny. And I knew. I could tell. There's something going on here.
They had me. The programming worked. I hated all that. They would do the don't laugh challenge. I'm like, bro, I can crush these things. I hated every segment. I was like, this isn't funny. The dude in the bathtub talking French would almost hear it. Give me one segment from all that. What was his name? Pierre. Pierre Escargot. Yeah. Pierre Escargot, dude. Still. I love when the guy loves ketchup. Come on, dude. That was another guy. From what? Good Burger? No. Kenan would play a chef who loved ketchup. That was pretty good.
Anything Kel was in, he'd go around being like, repair man, man, man, man, man. Kel would make me laugh, but that was a different show, wasn't that? That was all that. They were all that, and then Good Burger. Who loves orange soda? That was all that? That's Good Burger. Keenan Kel. Yeah, Kel would get me. Kel was the one guy that would get me to crack a smile. I remember, I was very young. I liked the fat lady doing the news. That's what Good Burger is talking about.
Lori Beth, when I was a kid, I was like, that lady's got talent. I styled my entire career also. That was my original, my mentors are Leonardo da Vinci, Lori Beth Ginsburg.
What's LBG up to right now? What's LBG up to? She's just hitting Comic-Cons now. Oh, nice. Yeah, she's in the circuit. Damn, in the Comic-Con whack-off circuit. That's the next one, dude. All the pedophiles get to meet all the grown-up kids now. That's the next one that's going to get busted. There'll be a Comic-Con documentary where that's going to be a diddler. That's a diddler's dream, dude. Yeah, that's a playground for a diddler. Now, there's one guy in all that. That's the...
It's not funny, but it is. There's one dude that was a production assistant on all that, and he would be the liaison between the kids and the parents, and he became friends with all of them. And he was a normal, nice guy. Everyone was like, this guy's great. And then he emailed, he got the kids' emails.
and be like i think you've got something we can work in the future on this so all the parents were like yeah definitely this is great they're they're in the business now yeah and then he would he sent this 10 year old girl a email with a picture of him jacking off naked and the mom said she just heard her daughter start like scream crying and running into her bedroom and then uh no it's just very funny thinking of the guy being like you know how like when you're really horny and you're like
I'm gonna send a picture of my dick to this girl not a child but I know what you mean even as an adult that's like a risky enterprise yeah imagine and then you finish you're like why the fuck did I do that think of his like oh she didn't respond this is bad dude he got left on read by a 10 year old you gotta go to their house you gotta drive to the house with a gun and be like give me open your fucking email
I'll kill myself right now. Open your email. The problem is, to be that bold and brazen, there had to have been so many other things that he got away with where he was like... He had the file cabinet of hundreds of little girls with their underwear and photos. Yeah, he had Ziploc bags with each of their names on it. It was disgusting. I think he got six years. What? Yeah, they all just get... They all got like fucking ten minutes in jail. And then they just work at Disney Channel instead of Nickelodeon when they get out. It's fucking nuts. Dude.
Jason Handy. The Hand Man. How does a penalty not for that just to get thrown in a hole? You send a picture of your dick to a kid, you should... They should leave it up to the parents. Do you want to see him in the arena? It's like, yes, please.
That should be pure gladiatorial. Even like in Dune where they like poison them. You should have to fight the guy in Dune. Yeah, and they poison. They give them a little bit of poison. For me, I'd be like no poison, obviously. We should have a Dune man like that. Yeah, we should. A champion. And we sacrifice people to the Dune man. Family champion? Yeah. Dude, this country tomorrow could watch pedophiles get their heads cut off in an arena. No problem.
I think Saudi Arabia fucks with that. Dude. Afghanistan was doing that. I remember the Taliban. They'd fill up a soccer stadium for beheadings. I don't know, man. You might have to cut just like 10 of these guys' heads off on TV.
And we won't get addicted to it. We'll chill. Yeah, yeah. But just like one halftime show, we just do a firing squad on pedophiles. And the whole country's like, oh, shit. And bread. We need bread out there. Bread and circus. We need the games. And Bruno Mars is in the background like, he's in the hole right now. Bruno Mars would be nice. He's in the hole. He's a little gambling dad. Hold on. Everyone's fucking up right now. Hold on. I wanted to bring up, there's one more pedophile that's very funny because on the show, he was Pickle Boy. Yeah.
And he would just go around and give people pickles. And they were like, what's the joke? All the kids were like, I don't know. He just hands us pickles. Turns out he was...
A diddler, dude. He sucked Drake Bell, dude. He sucked Drake Bell. Yeah, he got Drake Bell. Oh, yeah. That was the pickle guy got him? The pickle boy got Drake Bell. Did you see him hand Ray Romano a pickle through the glory hole? Yeah, that's tough, dude, for Ray. Romano took the pickle? Romano took the pickle through a glory hole and really double-handed the pickle. Yeah, it was sus. No, dude. Because Romano definitely had no idea that this was gay pedophile shit.
He was just like, yeah, yeah, I'll eat the pickle. Drake's dad knew the whole time. Drake's dad was a beast. And they were like, no, he's just gay. You're being a jerk about it. The guilt is Drake's dad. And that was back in the 90s, too. Yeah. His dad was probably pissed he was gay, too. Yeah, he probably was. His dad looked like he'd be pissed. His dad looked like a bro. But it was 1995. That was your number one theory. He's getting into acting. I'm like, fuck.
They would cut to pictures of the Pickle Boy and then Drake's dad. And it was like, dude, that's a man. Pickle Boy's a bitch. How old is Pickle Boy? Probably his 40s. Allegedly, he got DiCaprio, too, on another set prior to when he worked at Nickelodeon. He was rubbing DiCaprio on camera for sure. You see these guys rubbing kids and shit on cameras that aren't theirs. It's like, dude, I don't even touch my nieces and nephews. I just rub my niece and nephew's head. I'm not all over them in pictures. That shit's fucking weird, dude. That is weird.
Especially if you're just working with kids. You wouldn't do that with any other co-worker. Unless they were your work wife. Damn, they had work husbands at Nickelodeon? They had work children, yeah. Bro, blow it up, dude.
Also, did you know that Nick Elodion, it means like without God? Yeah, we've all been on the same Twitter. We're all on the exact same algorithm. Nick Leodio. It's nice that our country's unified right now. True, although my Twitter's taking a very sinister turn where my Twitter now is just a feed of young black kids being mean at sports games out of nowhere. It's like I don't go on Twitter that much, and it's just like my algorithms is just very...
It's like Kumia stuff of just like look at black people being fucking assholes. And it's like 12-year-old spazzing at basketball games. Yeah, Twitter's getting pretty rowdy with that. Yeah, pretty wild. I think we need to... Focus on the pedophiles. I think we need to swap algorithms. I think they need to adjust it to where you get the opposite. Yeah. Blacks and whites, we need to swap algorithms. Yeah, man. I think we need to see white people being dickheads. Black people need to see black people being dickheads. That'd be nice. That is insane. So the opposite where we're all like...
It's not our fault. It's black people's fault. Yeah, true.
But look at this kid. He spiked the ball. I get videos of like he threw the ball, didn't hand it to the ref. You mean to tell me this isn't a real thing? And it's like, dude, the algorithm knows you're a father now. And they're like, you hand the ball to the ref. You don't fucking showboat. You don't mouth off to the ref. Dude, I am and I'm in total old man mode. I've completely just embraced it. I listen to my cigar smoking play. I smoke cigars now. And then I have a playlist that is just, dude, it's the funniest songs. And I just sit there and I'm like, dude, like the kid rock.
Sweet home Alabama. I like song fucking rules, dude. Oh, man. You've entered it. Dude, I've entered full and I can't fight it anymore. You're a conservative dad now. Dude, I fully might be. You're no longer a black conservative. You reached white conservative dad, dude. The highest plane. With black conservative leanings. Not the highest plane. The highest plane is driving around in the back of a Mercedes. That's the highest plane. You're the old school Mercedes.
That was funny. Me and Matt just, Matt just, we saw an old Mercedes and he was like, damn, that thing might, that's old. That's vintage. I wonder if it got to drive around any of the goats. The goats were in the back of that waving. Saw any real action, dude.
Just waving to all the Volpe. That would be a wild flex. If you copped like a 1935. I was just talking about this. I wanted to buy Hitler's art. You can buy Hitler's artwork. A ridge or? A ridge, dude. What? Yeah. How much is it? I think cheaper than, like it's very expensive, but it's not like what you'd think. Oh yeah, art's expensive as fuck. 30 G's for an original hit? For an original hit, dude. The hit maker. Bro.
Oh, dude. Oh, my God. Puff Sean Combs.
Meek Mills. I don't know Meek Mills' real name. Look it up before you do the video. He's like green screened into a classroom. He's got his head in a classroom. Also, that does look official. Just green screening just your head in the background of a grade school classroom. Puffy Sean Combs. And I don't know his real name. You got to sort it over, dude. You got the nickname first. Tommy Old Man last night, he said, what the hell did he say?
He called him like a puff. He was like, yeah, puff. Did he? Oh, yeah. Tommy old man out. Oh, he did with a penis with a puff. Did he last night? It was like, nice.
yeah there's been this week's been just very tumultuous dude hughes the lab got thrown under the lab dude the lab they're trying to say the lab doesn't exist that's where i draw the line i'm like bro don't come at the man they were trying to act like his lab wasn't a real thing they're like we called stanford and there was like one research assistant in this place then hughes team which i we need spokespeople by the way i saw that i'm like that's what's up spokespeople battling your hose for you
dude well mary you've got a new job spokesperson you're the spokesperson for the podcast all you have to do if someone says anything we did that's bad say i don't believe they did that it's pretty tight yeah because they try to come at the lab being like the lab doesn't exist and then they were like no we were in the process of moving so they're trying to act like he didn't have a lab and then they were just like i mean dude i heard he had too many girlfriends that was his problem girlfriends allegedly had so many girlfriends he but then here's the thing he was like we weren't
We weren't in an exclusive relationship. So it is he said, she said. He was like, no, we weren't an exclusive. She's like, we were. But then here's for me, here's a damning evidence against one of the ladies. She was like, he was supposed to come to Thanksgiving and he never came. I'm like, bro, if you're wondering where a dude is on Thanksgiving, it's not your boyfriend.
Yeah. If you're like, he didn't come to Thanksgiving, I'm like, yeah, that's not your boyfriend. I hate to break it to you, lady. That's not your boyfriend. Yeah. If you're on a holiday and you're like, where's that guy? That's my boyfriend. He said he was going to spend Christmas at my family's. He didn't even show up. If he no calls, no shows to a fucking Christmas or Thanksgiving, that's a problem. It is tight because in the article they would say he would get busted and be like,
Hate this for us. So I'm willing for us to do the repair work. Let's get on this immediately. I'm so sorry It's like it is nice macking just get it. Yeah, I saw some of it is he is a pair of Mac repaired work is a nice actually made me More interested in what he has to offer. Yeah, man, if you can hold it down like that hold it down tough Maybe I will tape my fucking mouth shut or something like that. Yeah, dude. Hey, dude, I get the sunlight and
blast all your hoes on one quick email and be like the thing they nailed him on is sending emails just like fucking text the girl it's like a movie where like the girls realized they were being cheated on and all got together and like put together he had sex with me this day and then he had sex with you and then it was Christmas and it's like shut up man like you guys got duped yeah they got duped he came through he smashed it is what it is he smashed out
It's nothing. It's not newsworthy. You know this jacked, famous guy's getting a ton of pussy? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. I could guess that. Now, you're telling me. Remember that Norm Tiger Woods? That's when I realized I was gay. There were two moments with Tiger Woods. It was the South Park episode and then Norm's joke about it.
I was like, man, I'm being a dork. I'm being a white Karen. It happened. That got a lot of people. Yeah. Just being like, I knew it. Yeah, this guy acts like he's a perfectionist. He's actually cheating on his wife. He still is a perfectionist. He's unbelievable at golf.
But yeah, that shit was crazy. I read it being like, I was like, all right, this is going to be, there's going to be some crazy dirt in here. And I was like, yeah, he was just fucking ladies. He was fucking a bunch of ladies. Was he married? He wasn't even married. Yeah. He wasn't married. He was just, he'd be like, I love you so much. He probably, the one thing that got him on there, he claimed he's not a sex addict. He's a love addict. I was like, let's go. He said he was a love addict? I'm a love addict, dude. Fuck. And they would send him hot pictures and he always would respond, mm.
The day they released the text, we're all done. I saw that. I was like, show me any man where they can interview a bunch of your exes and they could fucking shoot anyone out of the sky. Yeah. One ex to be like, you know what he did one time? He'd be like, dude, no, no, no. And then he said this to me. It's just like, yeah, I'm fucked. Then he snatched the blankets off of me out of a rage, left the bedroom. Yeah.
Shit. Shit. Have you ripped blankets off a lady? You hit them with the fucking... I was pissed. The waiter? I was pissed. Did he leave the plates on? I was sitting there. I was just like...
Dude, if you're deep, you're in a relationship, laying there, cohabitating, sinfully, obviously, but it's like you're laying there, and all of a sudden, you're in bed next to someone, and there's just a fucking hatred emanating off of both of you. Then you're like, I'm getting up. And it's like, why the fuck should I get up? I shouldn't have to. I'm not sleeping on the fucking couch. And I was just like, grab the blankets and just pull them off. I was like, and just walked out. Damn. That's awesome.
you're gonna be cold god i forgot that's the worst feeling in the world getting in like a serious fight and then having to lay in bed next to each other fuck dude it's the worst yeah and you're sitting there and it's like you get it's like magnetism you can feel it just like emanating off and just like someone's foot comes over and you're like get off my foot damn i hope the diddler's okay
He's flying. I think he went to the Dominican Republic or something. He's down there. He flew. He needs to go to Haiti. He needs to link with fucking... True, the guerrillas. Here's the guy, Barbecue. He needs to link with Barbecue down there. There's no way Barbecue's still alive, right? Isn't Haiti in the midst of a big revolt, like a gang revolt? Yeah. He should have become president of Haiti. Look, we could turn a lot of wrongs into a right. He might be the strong man that nation needs. I figured Barbecue would be dead by now. I know, but I figured that would be... They'd put him down. Because I've seen the revolution. It's not...
It's not really a crack squad. It's just fucking dudes running around with guns. It's just clanging machetes. Yeah. Yeah, machete combat is for real big in Haiti. Yeah. They practice machete kung fu. It's very scary. Sid the Kid showed me a thing on that one time where there's machete masters. It's their tradition, dude. Yeah, it's fucking sick. That's how they use the machetes from the fields as slaves and they revolted. Yeah, man. Killed all the frogs. They're still doing it. They've got a rich history of...
There's the only slave revolt in the history of humanity that worked dude living in Haiti would be fucking wild They did it do you think any of us could like just fully live there and hold it down you know we get fucked up I just watched a documentary on it's hell dude. Yeah. Yeah, so most it's not isn't an island. Yeah, why is it such a chill island? It's pretty bad right yeah, they've always just never gotten help did everything about smoking weed like Jamaicans and
They smoke weed. Do they smoke weed? Yeah. But they're also voodoo child. That's what I'm saying. They got a little voodoo and they're wild down there. They have a notorious rap for being like, you know, it's like you've come into like a Haitian father, like Haitian American fathers are apparently very, very, very strict. But the other half of the island is the Dominican Republic. It's one island. Oh, so Oregon's DR. Hispaniola. Oh, that's right. I forgot I was in the DR. And on the other side, you go to the DR, it's like, hey, you got Sammy Sosa over there having fun. True. Hitting home runs. But they hate each other, though.
Definitely. Oh, it's a beef, dude. Yeah. That's a real beef. Because DR kind of like, they look at Haiti like, fucking bullshit. You guys can't even hit home runs. Yeah. You guys don't even have one big power. True. Put those machetes down and pick up some bats. They do need to pick up some baseball bats. Bats and some chronic, dude. It's the way out of the Caribbean. It's either you get super chill on the cron or you start crushing home runs. Yeah. Those are truly your two options. Yeah. Yeah.
You got to get a nice swing down. Or you hit the all-inclusive. The all-inclusive's sick. I'm going to go. I might try to launch the Haitian tourism. I'm going to show you, when we take a break, the video of Haiti. It's not. You're going to go, I'm never going there. Dude, they never recovered from the earthquake. I know. And the Clintons came down and took all the money. The Clintons came down and took all the damn kids. They did all the kids and money. They sent all their kids to Nickelodeon, dude. The Clintons came down fucking. Haiti just became Nickelodeon, dude.
Yeah. The Rose went down. Mr. Handy was down there. Didn't they get hit with a tsunami, too? They got hit with a tsunami in like... I don't think they got hit with a tsunami. They got hit with a tsunami in like 2004. And they never recovered from that. Yeah. I don't think so, man. Yeah. The Haitian tsunami? Although you wouldn't need the biggest wave to take out Haiti. Yeah, we sure as a tsunami could have just been a sick wave. Could have been a big wave.
I swear to God, I follow Haitian news pretty closely, and I don't think there was a tsunami in 2004. Was there an earthquake in the Gulf of Mexico? There was the quake in the Gulf. Damn, what happened with that? The ground split open? Go out in the mirror, look at your phone, and tell us what happened. Look.
Well, this is almost 250,000 people were killed in 2010. Oh, in the earthquake. In the earthquake. Damn, they lost 250? Yeah, it was crazy. Do you know what the event that has the big, the natural event that has the most casualties? Probably the tsunami in Japan. The one that hit like India and Indonesia and all that. Oh, I remember that. Of all time. Of all time. Of all time.
Guess the body count. Does the plague count? No, this is like a natural disaster. Krakatoa. What was that? That was an Indonesian volcano. Could have been. There was an earthquake in China, I think, that killed 750,000 people in one day. That makes sense, yeah. It was in like the year 1500. Yeah. Apparently, that is the highest casualty natural disaster. China gets hit with numbers that you're just like, no way. Yeah. Yeah.
They blew up a dam during World War II. Did they? Killed everybody. In the flood? Oh, my God. Starved everybody. They lost like 50 million people. Oh, my God. In 1887, 2 million people died in a flood in China. What? That's the largest death toll from a natural disaster. Oh, my God. In Haiti, the 2010 earthquake in Haiti was 300,000. That's number five on the list. Damn. Give us the list. It was a good list. Yeah.
It is. Dude. China's got top two. China's going wild. Yeah. China's got the Yellow River flood of 1887 and then the Tangshan earthquake. That's a Tangshan earthquake. So I was wrong. There was a flood that got too many. 1976? 1976 was the Tangshan earthquake and it was 655,000. 100,000. Maybe that's what I was thinking of. Maybe I had the time to get a photograph. That's fucking nuts. Then Pakistan. Pakistan.
Well, now it's Bangladesh, but at the time it was Pakistan in the 70s. It had a 500,000 death cyclone. That's number three. And then the Haiti earthquake is number four. Damn. Dude, if it's true that there was government officials that went down there and stole kids, you imagine picking through the wreckage of a basically apocalyptic event. You're just moving stones and grabbing kids and just fucking...
Kissing their hair and stuff. That's fucking crazy. I found one. That's fucking nuts. If true, shame on them. China had an even bigger one in 1931. Four million died in a flood. Really? What the hell? Yeah, but was that the one they blew up the dam? I'm not sure. It says the 1931 China floods in Wuhan. Oh, shit. Really? Yeah, the first. So that's why it's a wet market. Dude.
It was the breach of the markets got wet. Sure. They never recovered. I mean that much water. You'd think how long would that take to dry forever? Yeah. Natural disasters are crazy. When you get into the scale of like the numbers, they're always so scary. 2 million dead. Yeah. Four. The what? Four in that one. Four milli. Four milli. Cause, cause a dam broke. Yeah. Oh, so how do you die in a flood? Like, I guess it's the sheer volume of the water just sweeps you under. Yeah.
Or you just can't. You only swim so long. Debris, I guess. Yeah. Everywhere. You just. It's all debris from it. Yeah, you get. Your whole neighborhood turns into a super deep lake and it's just like, how long can you tread for?
They didn't have like helicopters and shit probably? No. Have you seen the Japanese tsunami footage? Yes. They released it. It's fucking crazy. It's very scary. Yeah, it's sad. Yeah. It's scary. It's very scary. There's some funny ones though. You get some funny ones out of it. There's one guy on the roof. He was like, oh no, my car. Yeah. It's gone. There's one video that's like fast forwarded, but you see a car like driving up to it, seeing the water coming and it like hits a three point turn and flies away. It's very funny.
That would be kind of satisfying, though, if you did get away from it. We were laughing about that yesterday with the bridge. There's eight people on the bridge in Baltimore. Yeah, we were just drinking and driving. Just being like, oh shit, I didn't know I was this fucked up. I'm flying through the air right now. Or just trying to hit the gas really hard and shoot the gap. Fast and furious. Just got it.
Yeah, making it would be crazy. Finally, I am Vin Diesel. I'm going to fucking jump this. There was what? Like six people were on the bridge? Eight. Oh, six. Damn, man. On the bridge. That's so fucking scary. How the fuck did the boat hit the bridge? Cyber attack. True. No, I think a boat just lost power and hit it. Jesus Christ. I love the Twitter people just like.
A boat hitting it would not collapse the bridge. This is an inside job. It's a pretty old fucking bridge. That was a big-ass boat, dude. I think that it looked pretty legit. I saw the video. I think it hit the columns of it, too. Boats don't melt steel beams. They don't. That was a bomb note, dude. They want us to fail. Do you really want us to go into Baltimore and raid it?
Apparently they're saying that Putin's trying to claim that the Ukrainians were the ones who ran it up in the party. That's convenient. Yeah. They're like, Putin's trying to claim that the Ukrainians did that. It's like, it's funny. Like they're going to use this to justify invading the country. And I'm like, no, no way.
What are they doing? That's crazy. Yeah, they're using a terror attack to invade a country they already tried to invade. No, that sounds fucking like something we wouldn't do. That's crazy. I think we're... Aren't we trying to do that right now again, maybe? Or no, is that... Are we trying to invade anywhere right now? Yeah, we're trying to fuck in Iran. We're trying to get up in Iran's business. We've been fucking with Iran. Yeah, true. But they've been yapping, dude. They yap. They do. They do. They deserve...
They do. It is. Yeah. Not a war. We don't want an all out war, but they deserve like, you know, yeah, we're good guys. A little what for that must be nice. So they don't know where the good guys. It's got to be cool as a country, though. Every now and again, just like totally firing up another country. It's like, fuck in the news. Like, well, fuck, I ran up. North Korea does it all the time. They do. North Korea is just like, yeah, you're lucky we don't beat the fuck out of you. And everyone's like, dude, you guys aren't going to do shit. Shut up.
North Korea is just a fucking insane person. Yeah, it is. They're like the homeless guy on the train. It's just yelling at everybody's face and everyone's like, all right, just ignore them. They throw something that goes like four feet. Hey, come
Come on, man. Don't throw any more stuff, dude. You're getting on our nerves. We're going to have to come over there and kill 10 million people. What would it take for you guys to chill the fuck out? They're like, Dennis Rodman. Yeah, okay, man. Give us Dennis Rodman. He's fucking here, dude. Yeah, there you crackhead. Weirdos. What do you need? Dennis Rodman right now. Sure. We need a basketball game. Yeah, dude. Okay.
Yeah, well now like with the... And some food. Can we get a sandwich? Yeah, we'll give you guys food. The poor people ruined all the food again. It's all their fault. Fucking idiots, man. We need some more food. Eating too much. Fucking so greedy. Don't they hit them with like... They're on like national diets. They're like... I think it's like... I mean rations really. Yeah. I think you can only have so much. Cuba's on the rations. Cubans are? Cuba's on the rations right now too. They're hitting some home runs though. There's some guys down there. I know. But right now... Dude, I'm telling you. I've seen videos where they're like, we're not eating enough. Yeah.
They want some fucking... They want some sandwiches, dude. God. They want the puerca. They need it, dude. They can't get the puerca right now down in Cuba. They're on some bullshit. I'm telling you, everywhere is fucked right now. That was a... What a week. Yeah. What a bad week. It is surprising how quiet the news is on the terror attack in Russia. Yeah. Well...
Yeah, they talked about it maybe a little bit, but yeah. I could only use some Twitter, so I don't really know. Where's everybody's Facebook icons? Remember when France got hit with ISIS attack? They got burned alive. That was, yeah. Dude, they lit a place on fire and shot it up while people were burning. People were like, well, they're the enemy. It's like, damn, dude. Yeah, you're right. I didn't hear a single thing of how terrible. This is so terrible. Yeah.
I still... I can't understand why we want to fight with Russia. I just don't understand it. I don't get it either. What is the beef, dude? Did you see... Did you watch the Tucker Chris Cuomo? No, I heard it was good. Dude, it's so good. Was it you saying it was good? Yeah, I sent it to you. I didn't send it to you. I told you to watch it. But, dude, it's for real. They sit down and the whole time Cuomo's like... I mean, I could fucking beat your ass if I wanted. But they're like... They're fucking around and it's very funny. He's like, I could fucking fold you up. That's... The one thing that kind of annoys me about Cuomo and like...
What's his name? Who's the black dude that was... Don Lemon. Don Lemon. Don Lemon. They're making their own things now. And they're like, now we need free press. It's like you guys were the worst ones. I know. You're the ones we need to get rid of. Don't just because you got fired. He's the bro about it. I've noticed he's been the bro, but it's like... He's the bro about it, but Don Lemon got fucking straight up fired from... Don Lemon. Don Lemon trying to grab Elon Musk's dick, dude. Trying to fucking diddly. Yeah.
He went to the Hamptons and hit him with a hot dog. Hot diggity dog on a fucking waiter in the Hamptons. Yeah, he was asking me, he's like, so how are you going to stop white supremacy on Twitter? Yeah, give me that. What else do you guys sell here other than rocket ships and cars? Hot dogs, come here. You might have hit him with a 321 blast off.
But yeah, dude, that interview sucked of him just being like... I'd like to see the full interview. I haven't seen it. I've watched it. There's the full interviews out? Well, Lemon... I've seen the clips. Lemon released a huge long... Oh, really? Yeah. But it sucks. It is real, like watching CNN again. Yeah, he's being a little snarky bitch to a guy who's like, you can have a show if you want. Yeah, here you go. He's like, I want people to be able to get different opinions. I'm going to get you. And he was just like...
Well, what do you show him like the Jewish like caricature meme? What do you think about this? And he'd be like, yeah, okay. Yeah. Take it down right now. And he's like, dude, nobody sees that. Yeah. He's like, it's I'm dealing with 55 million uploads every day or whatever it is. And he was like, you guys print 10 fucking stories. He's like, of course you can curate it. He's like, I can't. He's like, if it's if nobody's seeing it, he's like, okay, as long as it doesn't fucking violate the law is if it's illegal, I'll take it down. It's not illegal if it's mean.
so be it yeah but yeah it was like him being well why don't you take it down then look at it look how mean that is it's like dude you're the one showing that over and over stop it was like for real the fucking like the classic 4chan jewish drawing and dong lemon showed it like fucking 50 times it's like dude stop showing it chill dom relax dong
But the Cuomo and Tucker one's nice because it's like... Cuomo's like, you were a fucking dick to me. And he was like... I saw that clip. Yeah. Dude, when they show Tucker going in on him, it's... And Tucker was like... Yeah. My wife is like, I know you're better than that. And he goes... But I am an asshole. Yeah, he... It is genuinely... It sounds kind of hokey, but it was kind of refreshing to watch those dudes just talk and be normal. And then, dude, they go in about...
just like women's stuff. And, and, uh, Tucker's like, dude, stop. He's like, I can't deal with people being like, there's no difference between men and women. He's like, we should be protecting them, dude. They're beautiful. We should protect our beautiful women. And the Quam was like, there's some girls that could whoop my ass. And Tucker's like, who dude? Yeah. Like, like MMA athletes. He's like, all right, come on, man. You know what I'm talking about? He's like, yeah,
Anyway, they do like hard cuts on that a lot too. But him, those two just being like fucking around with each other and Cuomo being like, I mean, I could just fucking destroy you if I wanted to. Tucker being like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just, it was funny to watch them be like their actual selves rather than being like reporting live. They're just talking shit. I'll never forgive Cuomo for him and Don Lemon. I was watching it during the peaceful protests. Oh, yeah. Every night because their shows were back to back. They would end each show by talking to each other.
Like Cuomo would end his show into Don Lamones. Yeah. They would both go on and they would be like, I love you, brother. Cuomo kept trying to be like, I love you so much, man. Don Lamone would be like, yeah, okay. Today's news. Racism again. My turn.
but yeah he cuomo talked about how like when they fired him that was he was so bought into like being on that network and he was pissed and he was like asking tucker like how did you deal with getting fired he was like i didn't give a yeah he's like i knew i'd get fired eventually he's like why would you care i was like because that was like my job i'm like a loser now he's like a total meathead yeah he's like i'm like you look up my name he's like chris cuomo fired he's like yeah dude talker's like i've been fired like five times he faked having covered
He was like, I've been quarantining in my basement. No, here's a video of you outside. He was jogging. Live filmed him emerging from his basement. He was jogging. He goes, fucking, I was working out. It's like, I got to work out. Tucker's like, yeah, but you didn't wear a mask. You were bitching at everyone to wear a mask and you're out running. He goes, yeah, but I'm jogging. He's like, so that's, that's, it's a deadly disease. You're ready to use like, look, man, it was, but he, he would be like, I get it. I totally get it. He wasn't like,
Like, the Lemon move is like, I'm one million percent right. Everything you say is wrong. Cuomo at least could be like. Yeah, Cuomo does seem like the bro. Yeah. He also could just. This is just his new skin. It could be his new skin. He's like, oh, I'm an internet free thinker now. Okay. Yeah, I'm a free thinker. I'm the intelligent. But it is nice. I'm part of the intellectual elite. Tucker was big up on him because he stuck by his bro. He's like, look, I don't agree with what your brother did. But he's like, that's your family, dude. You can't turn on your family.
And I was like, yeah, it's kind of he's Italian, bro. Yeah, I was familiar. That was his familiar. I was just familiar. Damn, that would be crazy if he actually did turn the knife. He's like, my brother's a fucking pervert. I love you. I'm sorry. Boobs or something. What did he do? He was like a honk lady. When you hug your aunt in Italy, dude, it's just you fucking honk her tits. You kiss her neck. Damn, that whole squad they had going fell apart.
It was good, good. That was real good. CNN was good, good. They had so many good, good. They loved Dr. Fauci. Well, once you're in that mode of identifying. They were so sick during the pandemic. Which ones? Oh, they were all stars, dude. Nurses were up there with them. Nurses making TikToks. Dude, go back and watch those. It's haunting. Yeah, they're crazy. It's very scary.
Like the nurses doing weird dances. Did you ever see the ones where like when nurses lose patients, there's a nurse in the hallway. Yeah, they film themselves with sad music. Like, what the fuck? I'd be so pissed if my family member died and the nurse went out and filmed themselves. Like, well, I got to get myself back up. I can't, you know.
It'd be funny if they filmed breaking the news to you. Just being like, this is the hardest part of my job. Your dad's dead. Your dad's fucking dead. That's a good sketch. That would be funny. A really good sketch is walking into the hallway, like leaving the room where your parent just died. And you open the door and a nurse is going, ugh.
You notice a camera, you're like, what the fuck are you doing? They'd have to be like, oh, I'm so sorry. They'd have to break their fake character. They're just filming you and your family being like, so hard. Look how sad they are. So hard.
You just have a mask on. But yeah, dude, I mean, when you exist in that realm of like, we're going to start witch hunting everybody, it naturally is going to start... You're going to start viewing all your co-workers through that lens. You're going to be like... It just falls apart. You can't do that. Dude, the shame... I was thinking about this yesterday when I was reading the Hubes article. The shame apparatus we've put together, the medieval church would just drool over it. Yeah, Bill, we can shame someone across the globe in just four seconds. Just being like...
Adulterer. Everyone's like, what a piece of shit. I can't believe they're a piece of shit. I don't get, one thing I don't get is the muskate.
I dude I can't stand it. I don't understand what the hate is. I don't understood It's like the dude sunk a ton of his own money into Twitter I think he got the Twitter files kind of unleashing all that stuff He like bought it so he could show all the the slants and shit They were doing and people were like his fucking parents own a diamond mind. It's like okay That's not the best. It's like hey man. You know what the fuck you I mean we all gotta get engaged Yeah, we're gonna need that rock
I don't know. Do you want to give your wife a lab-grown diamond? No. You need a blood diamond. Blood sweat, too? Yes. Women love that shit, too. Yeah, they go, oh, my God, a slave got this for me. No, a slave died. A slave died getting me this ring that I can show my bitch friend. My slave worked harder than yours. Mine's bigger. They love... Dude, that's the... I've been watching a lot of Cinderella recently. I've been getting...
Dude, it's all that goes on in my house. I've watched... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny. I've watched the original Disney animated one. I've watched now. There's a new one. What's going on with the new one, dude? How have the Wokes ruined it? So the Wokes took over the... Who's that lady, Camila Cabello? She's like a pop star.
She did one where that's total wokesters dude. The woke mind virus is all over that. She doesn't even care about the prince. She's trying to start a business and they're like women can't have businesses and she's like I want to make clothes and
But then she eventually she doesn't marry the prince but like she has to she has to accept that she has a business to run It's crazy. They that one is absolutely fucking nuts fuck. Oh, it's crazy, dude That one is fucked Cinderella has to she wants to be a business lady. She was a business lady dude in like medieval Europe She wants to be a business lady and it's like it's all like, you know, the whole crowds like everybody listen up It's all it's all like I'm the Newtown crier. Hey
hey y'all it's it's fucking like just whatever it's just corny as fuck and then it's the whole thing is just her being like i want to start a business why can't i ever like women can't start businesses and this is medieval europe the prince is like i love you i want you to live with me and she's like no i want to start i want to sell fucking clothing it's like yeah okay limited to you're gonna work at limited to or you're gonna fucking marry a king it's like shut the fuck up so then like
Yeah, it's like fucking total bullshit. Forever 21. I want to work in Forever 21. But then the other one is just the straight up fairy tale. And, you know, you watch like Hercules and all these like hero. That's like the hero myth where it's like you go, you're like, you're getting fucked up. You beat this thing. Like, all right. The women myth, the woman myth is like.
you're kind of just like shitty and you have a bad job and you have two shitty sisters that are like you'll never be mean sisters and a mean mom and your dad's just no there's no dad there's never a dad mean mom's dad's fucking dead and he was so nice to you and then the the turning point of the female like fairy tale is that you walk into a ball and you're the prettiest in the ball and everyone goes oh
who's that she's hot and then the most powerful man in the room takes you and dances with you for everyone then you're like i have to go and then he finds out you know it just finds you that seems to be like the apex that's the dragon for them it's just them being all the other girls being like and she's like i'm so pretty and innocent and nice yeah i was like damn that's fucked up
It's pretty crazy. But it is, dude. For women, it's like, be nice and be hot. Yeah. Dudes are like, be brave. For women, they're like, be nice and be hot. Be brave sucks, though, too. Be brave sucks. You got to fight a bunch of wolves. Yeah, dude. I mean, the stories are sick. The stories are cool.
But they resonate with us. Yeah, we fucking want to fight wolves exactly but girls want that you know, they have to be nice That's the challenge. Yeah, we have to be brave dude I'd rather be nice than fucking have to fight the high be nice and you'd be nice and hot or you'd be an old fairy god Jack to embrace So jacked and brave true you have to go to war dude. Yeah true now Cinderella you start to deal with like a bitchy stepmom Another another good tale is the reluctant King. Oh
Yeah. It's another good dude hierarchy or whatever that word is. Yeah, I don't want to be king. Hierarchy's not it, but you know what I mean. I know what you mean. Archetype. Yeah. I don't want to be king. I have to be the leader even though I don't want to. I want to explore the world. Yeah. It's like LeMera's journey. True. From fucking rags to king of the mothership. Yeah.
From rags to the party man. From rags to pool house. Michigan, Michigan, good times. King of the good times, dude. What'd you do last night, Lamaze? You snuck off. Yeah, I just dipped early. What'd you do? I went to get some sleep. Oh, nice. Sleep? Yeah, I came home, slept. Yeah, you need some sleep. You've been grumpy. Yeah. Are you in a funk, Lamaze? Huh? Are you in a funk? Just like...
I'm getting better. I feel better. You're just emotional? Yeah. It's that time of year. Yeah. Yeah. The spring's going to completely sweep you off your feet, dude. Dude. You're going to be swept off your feet. You're going to love the world. Dude, spring is sprung. You're going to get so sprung. You're going to get so hot immediately. I can't imagine. I saw there was a bit of a glow up last night, and I saw you with that vest on. You looked handsome. I could tell you had been passed at the mothership.
You were glowing. I didn't know. Nate was sad. There was a sad Nate last night. Why was Nate sad? I don't know. He was sad. Yeah, well, he probably didn't love, you know, he went out there his first time. I was telling Nate, dude, that's... I thought he did well. I heard he did. He did well. Yeah. But if you're in your head while you're doing something, it's like if anything didn't work, that's what I think about.
but yeah he was i texted him today and complimented him i said good job bro it's very very difficult to do that for the first time especially when i was telling him he was in npc mode dude my first two months in that green room every say i've watched all of you
Full NPC. Of course I've done it. We all do it. The first time you're in the green room and Rogan walks in, you enter NPC. You guys leave, which is very fun to watch. Second he walks in, I watch both of them like... We flee the sea. Swing off, dude. Down to Mitzi's, down to start drinking again. We flee. The second Rogi's walking in, we see the rats jump the ship into the sea.
You go full NPC mode. Dead silent. Just sit in the room. Wait for somebody to talk to you and be like, yes, I agree. Yes, I'm from Philadelphia. Well, not really. I'm from two hours away, but yes. My name is Matt. I hail from Philadelphia. There's some liquid deaths in the fridge. I like what you did with the place. Wow, this club is beautiful. Wow, this club is... Anytime they press A, you repeat it.
I'm just getting out of NPC mode. It took me five months. What's his name who was there last night?
Joey Diaz will put you in MPC. Yeah, I love that dude for a long time. I saw him last night and I was just like, what's up, dude? I didn't want to be like... It's so funny. I just want to be like, dude, you're the fucking man. Yeah, there's just so many things. I have so many options. All of them will mostly probably result in just total embarrassment. It's so embarrassing saying them. When you're in MPC and you try to break out... It's even worse when you try. I remember the first time I met Kurt Metzger. I was in MPC. I was just standing next to him and I was like...
Do you have a new special coming out? And he was like, what? And walked away. And I was like, oh, no. One time when I met Attell, it was in New York. And you were in the hallway. Attell crushed me the first time. Oh, God, dude. I think he completely. I think he looked. I said. I don't remember what I said to him. I think he looked at me. It was like, nope. And just kept going. I was like, dude.
Fuck. I was outside. Just made Chris Rock laugh inside. I was like, I'm the king, dude. Walked outside. I was like, you got an extra cigarette? And he was just like, just walked away. I was like, oh, man. Why did I think I could do that?
He is so... He'll kill you, dude. I heard he murdered this weekend. Yeah. At the motherfucking chip. At the Madra. Everything he says is funny. Yeah. He's ascended to a new level where it's for real. Every line that comes out of his mouth, I'm like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. I did a lot of shows with him at the Cellar we were always on, and he would get off stage and go wild, dude. There'd be times he'd get off and be like, oh, was it a good crowd, Shane? And start slapping the walls and just run outside. He'd be like, oh my God.
If you walked in the room while he was on stage, he'd kill me every time. I'd walk in and be like, Shane, you must have had a good set. You're hanging around. That must be nice doing stand up by the time when you're like 50. Yeah, you see young people coming. You get to know they're all NPCs. You have a fuck you looking at. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.
Bobby Lee's also an NPC destroyer. Yeah. He's brutal. It's very funny. But he'll come in and he'll see a guy and just be like, what are you nervous, bro? This is a big deal. And it's like, it's the funniest thing in the world. Voss will get you. Voss is that. Yeah. Voss man does that every single time he walks in the room. He's like, what are you looking at, stupid? Are you a fucking middle act in Philadelphia? You think you're big time? Voss got you?
Nice. What'd he do? I was hammered and Steve Rinaldi was here. They all wanted to go to the Creek and I was like, yeah, the Creek's going, they have a show going. You can go do the show if you want. And he was like, oh yeah, can I go do the show? You think I could go do the fucking show? He started yelling at me. He was like, thanks for letting me know. I was like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mr. Voss. I'm sorry, Mr. Voss. Shit. Yeah, but sometimes when you're in NPC mode, you're in your head, you're being like, I'm just a strong silent type.
I'm just a strong silent type. I'm so mysterious right now. Meanwhile, you're just on a couch. Chugging beer. You're nervous. My sixth beer. I'll drink like 10. I got to go on stage next. Fuck. Oh, yeah. I for real. When it's my turn, I just stand by the stage for like 10 minutes. I just wait the whole the dude sat in front of me. I just wait behind that curtain the whole time. It's like it's time to do comedy now. Hello, crowd.
Yeah, that isn't fun. Chicago was sick. Motherfucking Shamsburg Improv. I spazzed, too. A dude fully fucking... A dude fully triggered me. On stage? He kept just going, After every fucking word, dude. And it was just like...
Come on now. Hey, dude, he wouldn't stop if I fucking spanked him. We're just trying to do a show, man. Thanks. I know you're having fun, but please. I appreciate the level of stoke. The level of stoke, I'm like, that's awesome. But it was for real every fucking sentence. I would go, I'm fine. I'm fine. It was the show where all of Brittany's family was there.
Yeah, I was sitting there just like, I was on a bed of nails, just like, fuck, fuck. You know who's the worst at that? The laugher from the stand. You know that guy who wears full, he wears like full Make America Great Again gear. No. He sits in the corner at the stand and scream laughs. He'll fucking, if I walk in the room and see him, I'm like, all right, this is a wash. Yeah. Set's over. He just joker laughs. He joker laughs his loud, like the loudest you've ever heard.
ruins every set he's having fun though yeah this dude was having fun but it was yeah it fully fucking it annihilated me if it mentally i did everything was fine but i was just sitting there the whole time went through this it was like a fucking ice pick in my brain every time yeah i'd be trying to think of something it's like i'd hear that shriek and just be like yeah that'll that'll shut you down also too apparently uh there was there was a vaping epidemic going on
people were vaping so hard that the management had uh aj the host had to make a vaping an anti-vaping announcement in the beginning which i'm like dude that sucks for you really funny you had to come out in the beginning like oh could you guys like not vape so hard but yeah it was the vapes were flying there look who it is sad boy sad boy you're so sad
I'm not sad no more. Huh? Oh, Nate just joined us. Nate Marshall joined us. Let's switch over to the Patreon. Let's go to the motherfucking Patreon. Let's chat with Nate. Nathan. I don't know. If you're not sad, just... You better not be sad. I'm not sad. Give these motherfuckers a taste, dude. Okay. Just sit right there. Sit on the table. Sit on the table and face the camera. Yeah, give him a... Wait, is that a thing? Yeah. Yeah.
Are y'all fucking with me? No, no, for real. Just give like a... Just see us out. Don't sit on the skull. Tell these motherfuckers what they're missing in the Patreon. Sit on the table and just... What are y'all doing? Call to action. No, for real. We need a call to action. Be like, yo, guys, join us in the Patreon. You're the newest to Austin's humiliation ritual. Do you want Joe Rogan to like you? Take your clothes off. Wear just the bucket hat. Face the camera. Get butt naked in a bucket hat.
Tell the camera. This is very ditty. Everybody does it. Everybody does it in the industry. Now to the news. Tell them the news. What's the news? Tell them what's going on. Why are y'all doing this? No, just take us out. Be like, yo, guys, here's the motherfucking patrons. Hey, Patreon family. Yeah, take us out. Oh, all right. I want to see your call to action chops. I got no... All right, I don't want to... What does that mean? Take us out. I'm not a board leader. What? Oh, PITM call to action. Uh...
No, don't even bother. Come on, Nate. Let's go. I don't like what y'all are doing to me. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Yes, that's all. Go to the fucking Patreon. Do you have any fun stories to tell us? Nothing. Come on, man. Did you cut your thumbnails before you came over here? No, I did it last night. I did it last night. I forget who. Did you call it out? Did you say something?
Damn, he had a vicious thumbnail going. I did. Every once in a while, I'll let that thing go. I've seen it, dude. The alien nails. All right, well, let's go to the Patreon.