Ep 486 - Seven Parrots (feat. Dave Attell, Ian Fidance, & Tommy Pope)
01:11:59 Share

if you're good if you're gonna be nice about it no i might not dude i thought that was the rough and ready podcasting that your generation loves no i don't like the rough you don't okay then let's hear something you can play ball now what we got what would that lie you did that you did that to me the first time oh yeah you were awesome it fucked me up you were awesome it literally fucked me up because i didn't know that was yeah i was like does he hate me

Dude, that's how I was hanging out with you. Me? Yeah, I get it. I'm still thinking of a conversation we had in 2018. Really? Did I do something? Oh, God. Today was funny where I was like, don't fucking come then. Me and Dave will just sit here in silence without the one thing we have in common. Being able to talk to you. Listen, guys, come on. Yeah, really? Sorry, no Matt today. Matt's in Chicago with his family. Sorry we were late today.

This week, I mean, I was gone. I had to go home to Mechanicsburg. That must have been nice. Yeah, it was nice. Yeah? Yeah. Do you go home a lot? I don't. It was every few months. Now that I'm down Texas way, I don't get home very often. But it's all right. Every time I go home. Did the podcast start? Yeah, this is it. Oh, okay. This is it. You're going to love it. We just... Hold on. Let me put on my glasses. Come on.

How many times have I seen that this weekend? Five times. I've run out of fake laughs. Oh, I keep doing it. Wow, Shane, you got a piece. Dave, not so much. Oh, X-ray vision. You can see my tiny penis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. First of all, to the fans, I have to say, Shane, I've been waiting to do this podcast, and I always wanted to do a podcast out of crate and barrel. This is awesome. You can tell everything in this room was either bought online or by somebody else. Yeah.

Yeah, I got it furnished, and this is clearly an Airbnb. Clearly an Airbnb. This is like... Yes, I did move into an Airbnb. I mean, I know your love of modern art. That's why I got it. And big.

Anyway, dude, great seeing you, man. It's good to see you. I'm happy to see you. When do you head back? I'm going from playing the Mothership. Awesome weekend so far. Great times. And then I'm heading west coast to Brea, the Brea Improv. Oh, nice. And my special's coming out, I guess, on Tuesday. Tuesday, right? Yeah. Hot Cross Bonds on Netflix. Can't wait to see it. It's really good. Dude. Yeah, I'm sure. Ian was there, actually, when we shot it. Yeah, yeah, I opened it.

- Yeah, I bet it's good. - Awesome. It's like up there with-- - The other thing I did. - The other thing I did. - Yeah, really. - My body of work. The two other things. - It fits right in. - Yeah, why not? - No, it's great, man. - Yeah, I'll tell you, the worst part is going back out on the road after the special and how much material you have that's not on the special, the new material, and you're working on it as you're, you know, it's like, whatever, poor us, but that's really the job of it, you know?

it's very embarrassing sometimes that's a good word for it yeah it's really humiliating to go out there you guys were excited now you're gonna see yeah yeah get ready here comes some shit i didn't do last time because it sucked yeah i'm trying to work on it sometimes say hello to the b team he'll be on stage and he'll go uh he'll do a joke he'll go it's called new jokes he and try it what the

Fuck. No, I've been there. I did. Now you don't, you cocksucker. Yeah, I do. I go new every set, you fucking dick. Well, you know, it's like. And then he does a joke from five years ago. I'm like, you asshole. Well, but the times have changed. So the joke has a new meaning. All right. There you go. We'll be right back.

So how do you like living out here, buddy? I like it. You do? Yeah. Whenever it feels good flying back here, then better to me than it did flying to New York. But do you ever miss Mechanicsburg? Yeah, for sure. You know, like, I don't know, burning a book in front of a closed factory or running into a friend from high school. What happened, buddy?

Yeah, I do miss Mechanics Week. When we were on Bert's tour and we played, was it Scranton? Scranton. You had two amazing shows. When I saw you in Queens at the Forest Hills, you crushed that show. Thank you very much. I got to give it up to Bert because I think Bert and I, I think he kind of likes the challenge, but that was quite a challenge. I mean, you rocked that house. It was amazing.

Outdoor venue, right? Forest Hills was awesome. And then in Scranton, that was like, you could have like run for mayor after that show. Yeah, I don't think they knew I was on the show. So that really. That was a big surprise. Yeah. And it was in, you know. And then you turn the water back on in the town. What can't this guy do? Well.

God, I fucking hate Ian, though. What? I really, I mean. You love me. I do love you. You know I love you. Ian is, I'll tell you one thing. Ian is a self-starter. This guy is really good, man. He's always plugging at it, pushing it.

And, you know, you were crushing it this weekend, buddy. Thanks, Steve. Yeah, that's why I had a five o'clock show. So that's OK. This is nice. So well, Ian has a special coming out, too, right? Oh, yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. April 21st. Ian Finance, wild, happy and free. Oh, man, I knew I was going to fucking YouTube dot com slash be any and pod. Yes, man. Yeah, I'm sure Ian loves a good promotion. What's it going to be the launch party like for that?

- Nothing. - Just you and your cat? - Yeah, pretty much. Me and my cat just kissing. - Just clicking, refreshing, seeing the views, seeing the comments. - Please be nice, please be nice. - For me, I'm gonna just put a plastic bag over my head. - Stick your head in an oven. - You know what's cool? In his special, in the outro, I'm in it, and then in the outro of my special, he's in it. Isn't that nice? - How about that?

That's what that deserved, some awkward silence. I think, isn't that nice?

You know, did we ever talk about at the time, we were in, I think it was Pittsburgh, where he kept telling the sound guy, he's like, this is the music I want to come out to. And it was like some hardcore band. And then I just kept making him play It's Raining Men. And he fucking didn't know it was me. Wow. He got off stage every show and he was like, this sound guy's fucking with me. He got like really mad. It was a real big sellout. And then I'd go out and be like, eh.

I'm like this fucking asshole. And I, I, I, I was like, yo, what the fuck is up with this sound guy, man? And you're like, you should go talk to him. And I did. And then you talk to him. Then the next night he did it again. You were like, I'm going to kill this motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. That Pittsburgh improv, I have so many good memories there. It's a great place. I love that place and I split a weekend with John Lovitz. He did the early shows and I did the late shows and the first show, he spent an hour afterwards striking his piano to get the right spot for the next night and they made everyone waiting to see me wait out in the cold and I'm like,

this is well the maestro is in there yes so i was like i'm going in the green room i'm saying something this is rude and i walk in and i'm gonna be like hey man what the fuck and he walks in he goes hello and i go i can't stay yeah you're the best i go john hey i'm ian and he goes hello i go i'm a big fan he goes big fan i thought you said your name was ian it's like i love you

And then he goes, so I heard you're bisexual. Does that mean you buy sex? And I go, yeah, and it's turned me into a debt sexual. And he goes, that's good. That's all I've ever wanted. That's good. How do you know you're bi? That's getting around, huh?

It's probably the fucking sound guy. He's probably, yeah, we got some queer coming in this weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got some New York queer coming in. I hate that motherfucker. Yes. I think he watched my set because I was running my hour there. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Nice. Yeah, thank God for that. That place is great. I love that spot. Sure. Garrett.

That was a fun weekend we did. All these clubs are like a blur. Like when he's at Pittsburgh Improv and I'm going to be there. It's a great club, but I know it's like, that's the one with the train in front of it, right? It's got like a little rusted choo-choo. Oh yeah, it's got that huge crane. We climbed on it, remember? Yeah. That's how I know the clubs. How far are they from coffee or CVS? I don't even remember. Everything else is a blur in my old mind. It's actually in a shitty part of town. There's like across the railroad tracks, it's just a shithole. I thought it was like, it's near a...

a park, like one of those scary kind of lifetime movie parks where people disappear, like a big bar. And then it's like what used to be, I guess, like a barge, riverboat. Everything used to have a real meaning, like a real purpose. Yeah, now none of it does. It's not really walkable. Well, isn't that happening in Austin? There's like a serial killer on the loose? Yeah, but he's only killing...

Gays. No. He's killing straight hot guys. He's killing straight hot guys? Well, then I'm fucked. Yeah. You better watch out, buddy. I'm on the list. Yeah. You better watch out. No. Who's he killing? Isn't he killing homeless guys or something? No. I heard he's killing finance type guys. So he's probably meeting them. Finance type guys. I got it. You don't have to laugh. I got it.

But we were talking about it in the cab. I'm talking to him and I asked the cab driver, I go, do you know anything about this serial killer? And he's like, what? Yeah, it was him. What? What? No, I don't know a thing. What?

I could show you some things. Yeah, I heard about it. I'm not worried about it. And if he is killing homeless guys, the whole city is going to turn a blind eye. That's our Batman. We're going to let that guy commit some vigilante justice. Holy shit. They're going to find evidence just like fucking kicking in the river. Yeah, everyone will ignore that issue. So now that you live here, do you get to enjoy Sixth Street? I assume you do. I don't. I don't love it.

I try to avoid it, honestly. It's a...

It's a weird scene down there. I think the fact that the club has that incredible security. It's got rings of steel there. It's like an airport. It's like a fort. It's a lot of different things. And then it's just all of that craziness. Those guys must be like, these guys are trained up. They're professionals. They're looking at that like, I wish I could jump in on it. Yeah, that's a mess. That's fallacious.

That's giving those guys probably fucking flashbacks. It was so funny last night. Some or no, the night before Troy Conrad's was there, you know? Yeah. He's like taking pictures. He's like, I want to get, um, you know, Dave, I want to do a portrait in the street, like in the middle of six street. Right. And, uh, they were, Dave is like in the street. One of the security guys like wasn't watching him. And,

He goes on a full on sprint and Dave was like, I'm here. There was like nothing even going on. They were just like so military mode. - You gotta be ready out there. - When I used to do that in Sonic Show and I never bring it up, but this is like a good example of like, we never had security like that. We were our own security. But it's funny in this situation where there's like security on security and like, you know, code words and like safe spaces and all that kind of stuff that these guys like, when I saw them wanding and putting the phones in the bag, I'm pro phone in the bag.

I was like, especially after last night. I'm like, you know what? I'm like, that is the coolest. Like, honestly, if that, like, I know not every club can do it, but like when a club does that, I think the shows are way better. It's just better. Everyone's listening. Yeah. Everyone's listening. And it's just, uh, you as the comical, like, you know what, this is where I can do, you know, the joke that I know is not that great or is not that appropriate. And it's nice for them because when was the last time you just like sat and enjoyed without being like, yeah,

Or like looking and it's always funny to see the cellar when people walk out there. What fucking time is it? It's like they're walking to a different universe. Yeah, because they get hit with some long ass shows. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's another thing you see is like late shows now, like even one starting at 10 o'clock, it's almost too late for people. It's really like people are not used to staying out late. Maybe it's from what happened, the lockdowns and everything, but still, I don't know when that's going to snap back where people get back on that kind of like late night thing. It hurts comedy. It's because everything's closed and stuff. Oh, yeah. Yeah, everything closes late. Dude, there's like two diners left in New York City. It sucks.

Well, you should go to the place here in town when you're downtown. The burger. What is it called? Oh, Burger Bar. It's great. That's been our spot. Really? Yeah. You'd like it, man. Yeah, I like burgers. Good smash burgers. And it's open until about 2. I like Casino El Camino. Oh, really? You did that on Insomniac. Yeah. Oh, wow. It's across...

from the worship. That's a legend. Yeah, that place rules. It's one of the few places on 6th Street that doesn't serve. They have great food here. It's like a metal bar too, right? Yeah, I like that. Yeah, you go in. The first couple times I was there, I was like, damn, these bartenders fucking hate me. No. Yeah, they're like metal guys. Yeah, but metal... I'm like, I get a beer. They're like, here's your beer. That's the thing about the hardcore community, man. Now they're cool. It's accepting. I've stopped with the hardcore shit. I don't know why it bothers me. I hate God. They're very accepting.

That's what bothers me about all the metal stuff is they are. They're all like hardcore liberals. Uh-uh. Oh, really? There's some good guys in there? The bands? There's some good guys? They're fucking... They're on our team. Nice. The bands? They fucking love it, dude. You're just in a van with your boys on the road just making jokes. They're allowed to make jokes? Oh, yeah. Oh, good. But then like on a podcast, they're like, well, I'll be quiet while you say these things. But they're the best. They're the nicest. It's fun. Yeah. I went on tour with a band.

After I take my special, I just went on the tour bus for like five days. This band Angel Dust. They're the fucking best. Why don't you go home? Just go lay down. Stop this bullshit. I can't. I can't. What are you chasing? Traveling, man. Fun. It was fun. But it was great. The last show was in Philly and Brooklyn. It was awesome.

Would you ever do that? Like go on a tour bus? Fucking zero shot. Really? You've never done a bus tour yet? No, I would go on a tour bus for comedy for my own, but I'm not getting done with my tour and being like, can I hop on the bus with you guys? No, just to hang out. I'm friends with the band. I know. I understand the scenario. That sounds crazy to me. You wouldn't go do something relaxing? Relaxing? Yeah. Yes, that's what I would like to do. Not go on a tour bus with a metal band. They're not metal.

They're like, what's going on? No, you're not getting it. Don't you need any alone time? And the answer is no. He likes being around people. He likes to stage dive and all that stuff. Curled up on a bunk in a bus with other men. I guess sobriety helps that.

Yeah. So you're not as burnt out. I'd be fucking dead. How were the hangovers? Terrible. Really? Yeah. What do you drink? Just beer, but I drink a lot of them. Oh, that's weird. I thought you were a shot guy. No, I don't do any shots. Not at all? Try not to, yeah. What about when people try to get you to drink after shows?

Yeah, I drink. It's not really a tough one. I go, no, I can't tonight. And they go, come on. I go, all right. That's hard just being a beer guy. It takes forever. How many can you do? What do you do? I mean, on a bad day? Yeah. 30? Yeah.

You're like Alice Cooper. That was his thing. He goes, Yeah, I remember him in full makeup and he's talking about how he quit drinking, you know, which is not a really good like, you know, kids, you got to give this up. He was trying to be a good guy. And he's like, you know, it was just beer, man. Like, start the day with, you know, like a wake up bud. And then, you know, it was like the day would drip on and, you know, whatever on the tour bus. And I was like, and then when did the heroin show up? Or it's like, no, just beer all day.

Okay, so you're kind of like a dad, I guess? Yeah, you sound like a regular guy. Yeah, that's weird. If you ever go to a meeting or something like that, they don't want to hear that story. Beers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah? What year is this, dude? Beers? 15 beers on Saturday. What happened? Barbecue didn't work. Not even heavy beer, just Bud Light.

- All day? - Just light beers. No, never all day, 'cause I usually have shows at night. - Yeah, that's cool. - So I don't drink before shows. - Yeah, no, that's smart. - But once you're drinking, can you stop? - Yeah. - Oh, I wish I had that. - Yeah.

Yeah, most of the time I go, what the fuck? I got to go home. Whoa. Yeah. Well, these towns are good for that, man, because it's an early last call, like 1.30 in New York. New York is where you really run into it. New York, Chicago, those towns. Vegas. Dude, New York never ends. That's the thing. New York sucks. New York is way not what it used to be. Yeah, but you can go to a fucking deli and get beers. So you can keep drinking. And then you got to go.

Yeah, you're right. That's a problem. Yeah, it's a marathon. That's not the problem in New York. Beer, that's for sure. No, I'm saying for alcoholics. If people were on beer there, it would be a great town. Utopia. You don't drink a beer and push someone on a subway track. That's not happening.

She shouldn't have had that Modelo. Your Honor. Socked a fucking Asian lady. I had a tall boy before I got through the turnstile. I ate too much Michelob. I smeared shit on an Asian woman's head. Forgive me. Well, that's good to know. And you don't smoke or anything? No. Good, buddy. I, uh...

You're taking care of yourself. Not really. I'm trying. I'm throwing that basketball hoop by the pool. Yeah, I'm working out. You saw that shot. Nice.

Yeah, we're getting there. I want to hop in there and slam dunk so bad. Bro, I would... Ah, fuck, I forgot you were gay. I would play it, but, you know. You're not my type. Don't flatter yourself. All right? If you were you, but also a mashup of La Mer, I'd be in. If me and La Mer mashed up, it would be fucking mean to be put down. That would be the most disgusting creature possible.

you put lemare's sweat on me i thought i've always had a thing for black slimer

What should we call it? Oh, yeah. Did you ever wrestle in a pool, Dave? What are you, grooming me? Yes. The student has become the teacher. It's a reverse grooming. Wrestle in a pool. You got to wrestle in a pool. We got guys right now going through barbed wire across the river. You're talking about wrestling in a pool. Yeah.

You never did like wrestling moves with your friends in the pool? That was the best. No, usually it was like a fun time until somebody actually shat the pool. And that became the rest of the day. Who did it? What are we going to do now? You can't go back in for some reason.

I don't get the reasoning behind that. They supposedly, I remember being in a hutsu one time and the pool was closed and it was like no water in it. And they go, what happened? They go, someone had an accident and we had to actually, you know, empty the pool. And that's like a big deal when they do that. And in fact, you were with me in Phoenix, right? When there was the knife fight at the pool. Yes. And they had to empty the pool as well. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Like it was something happening in Phoenix. A guy got stabbed. No, but it was like a playoff too. It was like a playoff weekend. So there was a lot of tension, you know, and I guess two different, you know, something happened, but it was, uh, the security guy asked the guys to leave the pool. I think that was part of it. They were like too loud or something. Well, this is conjecture because, uh,

cops showed up walking around with shotguns yes dave texted me he goes there's something happening get downstairs so i go downstairs and then he turned into a fucking inspector gadget and these guys like going around with shotguns as flashlights he's going what happened what happened yeah i'm like dude shut the fuck up they're like the guy may still be loose he's like going yeah they didn't know who did it were you smoking they probably thought you i was outside yeah i was on the cover

Do one time. I remember coming down and you open the the elevator open this guy with a shotgun right there. So they were trying to like cordon off the hotel. But that was that was another like in a town where you need pools. They're like the pool is closed because of police action, you know.

One time we were in a, we did governors in long Island and some guy pulled out a gun in the parking lot and we're like in the back. And there was like word that there was a gun. He almost suddenly takes out his tactical flashlight. It was like, don't worry. I'll take care of it. Like rushes ahead of him.

I had to protect my merch. You had to save the merch with your testicle flashlight. That would be a great way. And you'd still have it in your hand like, two for one. Good. Yeah, one time we went. That's good. There's been some real action on some of these shows. Yeah. Well, one time we went and played laser tag in Ohio. And a bunch of kids. You played laser tag? Yeah. I thought I was dying of cancer. So I figured I'd go. Yeah.

- Yeah, we go on adventures all the time. So we're playing laser tag and it was us and like some parents against a bunch of kids. I had 33 kills and we're in a tunnel and he grabs you and goes, "Come with me, I'm a field medic." - See, that's why you never want to quit drinking 'cause these are the things you would do, laser tag. - Yeah. - I got a good laser tag story. I've told it before, but I want you to hear it. We went, my family,

We went to play laser tag and when you're standing in that semi-circle around the teenager that's giving you advice on the directions, there was a lot of blue lights in there, or black lights, and there was just jizz all over my dad's, the front of his jeans. - No, no! - Oh God. The front of his jeans was lit up

Like fucking you wouldn't believe. Wow. And my sister goes, my sister's like, oh my God, dad. Wow. He goes, ah, God damn it. Nice. And then he proceeded to raise his hand and ask a question. He drew more. He didn't give a fuck at all. What did he ask? He was like, are the satellites worth three? And also, can you guys see my chin? And I was fucking, I couldn't, that's the hardest I've ever laughed.

I took a photo. I took a photo of his dick. Do you have it? I'll find it. Do you have it? I took a photo. Are you sure you're recording? Okay. This is so fucking funny. Phil had it. He creamed his jeans. Jesus Christ. I'm so glad my dad died early so I didn't have to see anything. It actually, I think, has a sadder thing. I think he...

was pissing a little. Incontinent? Yeah, I think he had prostate cancer. Oh, no. But we made fun of him and said it was jizz. But he got over it. Did you check the back of everyone's coats? Sorry. Now let's get back to the fun. Let's see this picture of your dad. Hold on, I gotta find my dad's jizz. Wait, was this in Ben Salem? No, this was in Lancaster, the Sports Emporium. Oh, okay, because I... They have a laser tag in Amish country? I don't know what that... My mom took me to...

Shut the fuck up. Whoa. Hands in pockets. That looked like the shoulder of your jacket the other day, dude. Let me see. That's jizz, dude. That's not piss. That is not piss. Wow, dude. Yeah. Man. Usually it's a father confronting the son about jerking off. Carlisle Sports & Point. My dad's been nutting on his own pants.

We used to go up to Ben Salem for laser tag. I had a birthday party there once. It was awesome. Laser tag rules. Yeah. It's so fun. Well, when it's good. Yeah. Not at the shitty place. Did you ever have that toy at Kmart? The laser tag toy? Yeah. And it's like you have to go up to your friend and be like, psss. No, we had a good one, dude. Did you? The gray pack with the red circle in the middle? No, I had a knockoff. Oh, okay. Yeah. My mom got it at like Caldor or something. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

That's a good sound for all that outdoor stuff too. Are you into it? You know me. Shooting? Anything like that? Shooting's fun. Yeah, that's cool. We do that on the road a lot. I took Ian out. Ian is a great shot. Not when I took him. Well, that was the first time. He's better now. The ladies are teaching us how to do it. He fucking took his gun out of the holster while they're teaching us.

It was a mistake. It was an honest mistake. I've never seen it. They swore. He's way better now. He was like, oh, what? I was like, I didn't. It was an accident. No, they were telling. Fuck you. They were telling us what to do. And I thought we were supposed to shadow them. So I did what she did. And they were like.

- Oh, idiot! I was like, "Oh, sorry." - But I beat you in the time shoot. - I mean, what you're saying-- - I have video of it. - Your secret fucking weird competitive thing there is psychotic. - Yes, it's very competitive. - No. - I wasn't racing anybody. I was just shooting. I was just trying to hit the fucking thing. - I thought we were racing.

Yeah, I don't know. Chris and Tommy might be here. I think Ian shoots at a junior high school little. He's that good. No, but dude, you got me there and I had so much fun. And the next time I went back, I really, really enjoyed it. Hey, Tom. No, you're totally fine. You can come sit down, hang out. You don't have to. Are you just going to wait in the foyer? No, it's okay. Hey, what's up, man? How are you? I'm good.

Yeah, there's a nice video of me from that day. Yeah. Oh, dude. Tried to take a shot and the clip just fell out on camera. That was very embarrassing. I was like... That was real police academy. Dude, we went in Oklahoma and we're shooting and the guy took a video and I'm like, pow, pow, pow. And he pans to a tell and he's just playing his recorder and then he put it in his holster.

You remember we were at that one place where, and by the way, these guys are really professional. They're really cool. You know, everybody's thinking they're all freaks and nuts. They're not. And I know the guy who is like that, but everyone we've been to have been like super professional, really like, you know, like explaining and making sure it's safe. But I remember we went to one and I was like, there was a young guy behind the counter and I'm like, who's that? He goes, that's my son. And I'm like, oh, I can't wait for this kid to go like, you know, dad, I got something to tell you, you know?

I just want to dance. I don't want to run a tactical gun shop. What? I'm really into cartoons, you know? All right, well, give it a shot. Take this .30 caliber, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Shooting guns does rule. It's really fun. Out here they're...

executing hogs, dude. Oh, they are? They literally are like, why don't you come down to our ranch? They all have fucking machine guns. But they eat it, though. I don't think they're eating. They're killing so many. A couple buddies told me they want to take me hog hunting. I told you. And they have ARs. Yeah, night vision and ARs, and they put a net around the pigs and execute them. Wow. That's fucking crazy. That's fucking nuts. No trial. No trial. No trial.

Judge and jury execute. Your Honor. Read!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm just a simple pig. I'd like to do the other, like you throwing axes, like that kind of thing. That's a big thing. I've never gone axe. You got to go to Vegas. Like they have all of these, like, you know, don't have enough money to gamble, but still want to have fun kind of thing. So they have the smash rooms and all that kind of stuff. I've never done any of that. You haven't done it? I've never done a smash room. When's the last time you were in Vegas? I was in Vegas in February. Yeah.

Yeah, what'd you think? I think it's like... I was there for the Super Bowl. It was awesome. Yeah, it was a fun time. We were there for BattleBots. Yeah. Really? They had the BattleBot arena there. We love BattleBots. Yeah. We talk about bots on here a lot. Dude, we were betting. I won 20 bucks from him playing BattleBots. Yeah, we actually got to bet on the wedge every time. He's such a... Like, talking about competitive, like, you could just sit in the bleachers. But no, he had to go for the VIP area where they give you, like, some chips. It's like being on an Amtrak train. Yeah.

Here's some chips. And here's a little bottle of water. You're a VIP watching BattleBots. Oh, and you're an adult. I forgot that. You're an adult. VIP tickets to BattleBots.

that's awesome you guys we were wooing like to try and be like good audience like yeah man and the older couple next to us i guess who lost the sun in a battle box thing he was just they were sitting there like oh eddie would have loved this round the spider got him we're living his dream of coming to vegas and seeing the big time and like everyone's looking at us like how can you this excited or something it's like i thought it was like great they they uh

They've tried to make it more inclusive. So there's like, you know, everybody's like, before the bots go at it, let's talk a little bit about climate change. No. Yeah. It's taking me to fight racism. Dude, we're watching and they have these guys come out and it's like scripted smack talk, you know? Terrible though. And one of the guys goes,

You've seen this guy on America's Got Talent, but in the BattleBot arena, it's America's Got No Talent. Yeah, he's right. And you just hear him go, yeah! We were too in a game. You slay him in an arena of quiet children. You have been served. Yeah.

That would be cool to have your own BattleBots arena. You guys, yeah, I could fit in there. I could blend in at a BattleBots arena. Dude, you would have so much fun. The three of us would fit in nicely in there. And then the next week I brought Yamanika. Oh. And that was awesome. Her and I were whooping it up. That's fun. It was great. I mean, there's going to BattleBots and then going again. And that's a sign of a problem. Who's your favorite BattleBots? Do you have a particular favorite or...

Yeah, Overdrive. Overdrive? Who was the one we were just watching, LeMay? We watched one that was going crazy. It looked like a Roomba. It was just spinning around. Oh, that guy. He's got the thing that spins in the front. Yo, the little guys are the best. Yeah, they're pretty good. Everybody thinks big guy, you gotta have an axe. No, no, no. The little guys fucking get them. I won 40 bucks at the creek the other night betting BattleBots.

And then I lost it on stage because I bet a guy rock, paper, scissor in the front row and I lost. You are competitive. See? I'm only competitive with sports and gambling. And comedy. You've said some nasty things to me. So have you. To me. Hurtful. After. No, before. Very much before. Very much before. We'll see who won that battle. That's it.

As Ian heads back to his SRO in Shane's mansion. Dude, you know what's even sadder? It's the second time I went to BattleBots. The host is Bill Dwyer from the original show. Bud's brother. Please, this could hurt somebody. Somebody call an ambulance. He just kills a BattleBots.

So he ended up, I don't know how we got in touch. You knew him or whatever. I know him from the road. So we came to the club. We hung out. And he was like, please, please, BattleBots, next Saturday, be a guest of mine. I'm like, oh, my God, we're going to get in. He's like, I could only get you VIP. I could only get you general admission. I'm like, oh, whatever. But he's like, I got you a tour. You can meet the bots afterwards. You can meet the bots. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So me and Yamanika are walking around taking pictures together.

- That's fucking awesome. - It was great. - Was it scary being next to such a powerful being? - Yamanika? - Wait, Tommy, sit down. There's a mic right here. This is weird. - Yeah, why are you just sitting in the kitchen alone? - Tommy Pope, everybody. - Yeah, you do. - Not at all. - We're talking about BattleBots. What fucking vibe is there? Yo, the-- - Don't downplay the bots right now. - Oh, I didn't tell you. They had, when we went back, one of the bots was this thing called Slot Machine.

And it was a legitimate large slot machine. They got wheeled out. Oh, that's what I wanted to see. Yeah, and it was just there to see it get destroyed. And it was this dumb, dumpy thing. It was a stumble bump. Yeah, and they were like, here comes slot machine. Yeah, he's a local. Watch out. Well, Mayor, this is big, dude. Don't fuck up the pod. Well, Mayor, if you fuck up the pod, I won't buy you another ticket to Ghostbusters.

I wasn't. We saw it twice this weekend. Wait, hold on. Tom, newest member of Austin. Yeah. Yeah, buddy. Welcome to the town. You look good. This is nice. Yeah. Oh, look at that. Now I have to pay Comedy Central or something.

Well, Jeff Ross has made five bucks. He did, yeah. Jeff is smiling somewhere. Yes. You can buy another sandwich. Well, that's cool. We were talking about Philly at the Green Room. That's where we were coming in. Yeah, all the Philly guys are down here. Philly is another great town for food. I mean, honestly, just so good. Until Jim Steak's caught on fire. Fuck Jim's. Fuck you. What do you like?

I'm not going to give you a little cheesesteak conversation. I just sat down. Why not? Well, you kind of opened it with fuck them. Yeah. Fuck them. No, I don't have any opinions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to ruin the vibe. We're not talking about this. You fucking cunt. Dude, you're the first people I spoke to today. It's a little... Yeah, it's always hard. Yeah. Doing a podcast first thing is crazy. Early pods are nuts. Early? It's fucking 3 p.m. Yeah, this is it. You wouldn't have done three podcasts by now. I did one this morning.

Did you really? Yeah, I went to Duncan's house. Nice, he rules. Yeah, it was great. We had breakfast. I think the farm community hasn't caught on to the podcast. They're like the early Milken. Any pod before six is tough.

Why? Five, six. You got to get active. The worst is we've all, real ass podcast, get there at 11 a.m. That's fucking ridiculous. From Queens, it takes like an hour and a half to get there. Dude, I can't. Can you guys stop crying? I used to do real radio. 4.30. I had to do it like twice. You had some guy who was doing bonk hits all night, driving you from the club like, I think this is the office. I don't know. I've only been here one time.

The last one I did was, it was one of those that was like, be there at 6 a.m., and I get there, and they're not in studio. They're zooming in from their house. How great is that? Yeah, I couldn't believe it. I've done some of those. I was like, I'm never doing this again. How about the one where it's like a morning zoo? One guy is still going in. The other guy had a meltdown, and now he's living in Seattle somewhere. You're like...

Hey, and his questions are also not relevant. The other guy's like, Dave, you look like you're blah, blah. And the other guy's like, so do you ever watch eagles flying over a lake? No, no, we're not in Seattle. How about the ships in the harbors? Yeah, it's like, you know, Dave doesn't like eagles. He's more of a parrot man. I do love a good parrot story. Do you have a parrot here?

I wish. You should get a parrot. It would work here. Parrot would be nice. Yeah, that's my idea. I want to get seven parrots, like a Supreme Court of parrots. Because they can wear those little robes pretty easy. It's just like, whatever they come up, that's what we like. Okay, well, they decided. Did you do DGBA or not? I mean, does someone smell a million hits on TikTok? I do. I do.

I mean, yeah, seriously. Come on, man. If it was you and seven parrots, it would be incredible. You talking to seven parrots. No, you argue your case to them. You have two people arguing your case to them, and then they do their parrot talk. And then it's like, oh, well, the decision. Then they have somebody like a real person read the decision. It's like all in legalese, you know? You got to bring an expert in and have them harmonize the ending. Yeah.

And then they take a break to look in the mirror. They love looking at themselves, these parrots. They have extra security in a bailiff when a cat is a witness. Yeah, the cat does the thing. Hold on. What? I just sold that parrot idea. Thanks, Shane. Adam, I'll call you back.

Wow, this is an awesome podcast. Dave, it's me, Hollywood. We want you on a plane immediately. Listen, Mr. Bagels. Well, Mr. Bagels. Dave, it's Hollywood here. You've got a great idea. You've got gold. Wow.

What's the name? Next stop, Hulu. What's the name of that parrot you watch? What? The parrot? Oh. You watch a parrot? Kiwi the parrot. He's the best. Yeah. Kiwi the parrot. Yeah. He says five things, but they're also inspirational. Like, hey, want a treat treat? And I'm like, he should be an agent. He's so like positive. Yeah.

You see that bird where his owner destroyed the cage and he started bugging out. He's going, ah, fuck it, fuck it. Yeah. He's so happy that he was out of his cage. Oh, wow. He just starts like stomping on the bird. He's having fun. Fuck it. You like birds. That's a Tommy parrot. Tommy likes birds. Really? Yeah, he's a bird guy. You're a bird guy? I'm a bird guy. Do you know that local bird here that's called like a crackle or something? It goes, crackle.

Yeah, I heard that in the trees. It's like some kind of weird crowish. Yeah, I talked to a beautiful crow. I liked it. It made me feel nice. I'm a crow guy. I like crows. I'm on the record. I love crows. Yeah, I'm excited about getting crow's feet. What? Those things on your eyes? What are those stupid things? Jesus Christ. Why is that stupid? You know what else is good? Red pandas. Red pandas are sick. You don't know red pandas? They're the littler ones, right? Yeah, they're great. And what country are they from again?

China. Really? I think so. Mongolia. Or India? Yeah, I'm not really a big animal guy. You're just parrots and dogs. Yeah, you are. You send me animal shit all the time. Well, you know what? I will send a good... You know, we were watching the whole thing of the monkeys at the temple, you know, and how they rumble with each other. I think that's cool. Yeah.

- I guess growing up in the States here, it's kind of boring, our animals. If you lived in, let's say, New Guinea or something, there's a lot more things to think about. - Well, he put me onto monkeys riding dogs. - That really is great. - I've seen that live, dude. - Yeah, I bet you have, 'cause that's a Pennsylvania thing. - No way, really? - That's right. - I got to see behind the curtain, too. I got to watch the guy.

So they're at the Harrisburg Senators. Yeah, dude, it was a big deal. See, I didn't make it up. If monkey rodeo comes to town, like, it's like... Shut the fuck up. I think they're shutting it down. Monkey rodeo is so fun. I'll fly in for it. Bro, you get drunk, you watch monkeys ride dogs. And then I saw... You've seen the behind the scenes? I saw behind the scenes. Like when they weigh the monkeys to see if they're within weight to ride a dog? No, I saw them... I saw them...

The rodeo handler. Oh, that guy. I saw him behind there. He was feeding them strawberry Pop-Tarts and the dogs were all sitting down. The monkeys were all going.

How do you break off strawberry Pop-Tarts for all the monkeys and dogs? Dude, that's like giving cocaine to soldiers. Get them all wired up. Those things fly. It's so cool. They go so fast. Border collies. They're so fast. Do you think the dogs are afraid of the monkeys or are they friends? No, they're buddies. They both have tails. Come on. What are you, stupid?

Yeah, monkey rodeo is awesome. So that's cool. You can actually say that you've seen... Have you ever been to a... Like the whole generation that's seen an actual live circus, that's also disappearing. I've seen live circus. I've seen them come through... You know, they used to come through the tunnel on the elephants. They would bring them in there now. Can't. Oh, wow. Can't. That's where the homeless live now. Hey, that's my house! Wait, you would...

They would shut the tunnel down and they would bring the elephants through in a truck because the train would would stop outside in New York. Ringling Brothers. And they would bring them in and everybody go down with their kids like late at night and they would take pictures of the elephants walking into the city and then they would walk over to, I guess, Madison Square Garden, you know, that's and they would sell it out. Am I right? Yeah. Boom.

That was like, that was when you had animals in circuses. They don't do that. I'm going back to New York. I'm going to walk through the tunnel. Dude, I'll have Chris on my back like the monkey on a dog. But they couldn't do it now with the surge pricing. I mean, it would cost so much more for the elephants to come.

Well, yeah, that's definitely like something that you won't see again, you know, not in this country. They still do donkey sex and stuff like that in like Mexico. Wow. Yeah. God mule shows. That I think is like an urban myth. That's a myth. They don't really do that. I always heard it was a myth, but then I, you hear, I've heard people say they've seen it. Yeah. Yeah. But that's underground. They're lying.

You sure? Dude. Because I've seen it on the internet. Yeah, but it's, you've seen donkey's fuck on the internet. Who's the opener? You ever seen a video of the dude dies? Who's the opener? Huh? For the donkey fuck jokes. Yeah, some horse kills a dude. There's one black guy. It's online. Oh, Mr. Hands.

Yeah, Mr. Hands. That's different. Mr. Hands, that's homemade. That's amateur. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's like the backyard wrestling. I only want to have sex if I can have a spotter. The guy that is the guy that I'm in. Yeah. You know the noise he makes? He goes, Humble! Yeah.

I used to, when I worked in a restaurant, at the end of the night, we'd be cleaning up and I'd be like, hey, I'm going to put on some music. And I'd put that video on and it would be Mr. Hands over the stereo. Me and Ian have a...

One of the hardest I've ever laughed on an airplane. I said in this video. We got to find the video. Find the video, Ian. This video has alienated me from so many people. No one thinks it's funny. Nobody thinks it's funny. Dave, we'll see. What are we talking about now? Cockfights? Cockfights? No. I don't know what the fucking setup is. Here, show Dave. See if you think this is funny. Here, put the mic up to the music. What is that? I know this one.

And the guy fell down? Oh, he ricocheted? He ricocheted and killed the guy? No, the guinea pig doesn't die. He just... Oh, he shoots it into the guy's ass?

You know what's really great? We're watching stuff on your phone. You got a big screen TV up here. Like, what is it, dude? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Definitely for real company when they come over. You guys are the trash men. What? Yes. What do I feel? You got an iPhone. Was he on the toilet? Yeah. And the kid's face. Dude, the kid is fucking unhinged. Dude, that is happening to me. Your dad's taking a shit. He's just like, here's a... I'm going to shoot a guinea pig with a fucking rifle while my dad's taking a shit.

But why was CCR playing? He fears nothing. Wait, so he was going to actual battle? Yeah, but he was filming. Oh. Yeah. So this is something. I don't know what's going on. I don't believe it unless it's on the ridiculousness. Yeah, true. Can you imagine Rob Dyrdek watching that? He's like, oh. Let's watch it again. This shit's crazy. Oh, man. That was whack. Oh, shit. Shot a guinea pig.

Yeah, but that's like little kid dumb stuff that you can't think ahead of. Yeah. Like I shot myself in the foot with a BB gun because I was like, you just want to get out. Yeah. I wonder what this will feel like. Get out of the draft. The laser tag army. Yeah. The kids do. You ever do anything bad to an animal?

To an animal? Yeah, when you were a kid, you were like, La Mer squeezed a frog to death. Shut the fuck up. Was that like a stride of a frog? Whatever makes you cum. Yeah!

No, we used to chase each other with like nail guns and stuff like that. Yeah. We didn't have all this cool. I did that. That they have, you know? Yeah. Shooting each other to an animal. I don't know. We we had a series of fish that constantly kept dying. And then we would feel like there used to be a bar in New York City where they had a snapping turtle and you could buy fish and you put it into his tank and you would be able to watch him eat the fish. And I was I was like, you know, this is like cruel yet. I mean,

he's got to eat this thing. And it was like a smelly, filthy tank. And then I guess like something happened and there were other turtles in there. But I remember looking at and I was drunk, but a headless turtle where I guess the other turtles like this is my hang. I'm not sharing the limelight. And he bit his head off. So, you know, drunks looking at that. So, oh, man, I wish I saw that. Imagine getting pussy and you're about to close it. You're like, that fucking turtle doesn't have a head.

but that's cool thing you could buy the fish and throw them in the other thing that was like the fun of the night yeah i've seen the videos of snapping turtles doing that and i don't know i don't like watching that yeah they're not really in grade school and this kid kevin took a live goldfish do you buy him in a bag if you like you want like a ring toss thing and he swallowed it threw up he came back out put it in the bag and was like

Just still alive. What about the ferrets? And that kid's name was Steve-O. What? Didn't you say ferret? No, ferret. Like a little fucking ferret. We had a ferret. I was like, when's the ferret coming? It went up his ass. Goldfish in the tank. Oh, that's something you could do here. You could get like a wall fish tank. Oh, that'd be sick. Like a gigantic sea. Oh, yeah. And then go on an aquarium. For a couple weeks, come back to fucking dead fish and algae. No, you get deuce. Like you're a plastic surgeon. Like a really like a... No, you get deuce Bigelow to wash your fish tank. True. And then...

Get Tommy to watch your fish tank. And he ends up slamming LeMair. Yeah, yeah. Not my pool boy, not LeMair. I've seen LeMair out there with the pool. The pool boy comes and LeMair stares at him. Decides to go tanning. LeMair goes tanning, yeah. Uh-huh.

Oh, time for my stroll. No, I've been here when the pool was here. It's very uncomfortable. Who is it? Because he's just right there and I'm sitting in here watching TV. Oh, yeah. Guy working. Am I just a gay guy now? Am I just a gay whore? Why don't you come inside and have a glass? You bring me a nice snack, a sandwich. I made you a sandwich.

He knows who I am too. That's a cool job though, you know, according to porn. The pool guy, you know. So is plumbing. I can see how it is. It's very sexual and it's just me and him. Why is it sexual? Did you ever clean houses? I used to clean houses. It's the implication. What's the implication? Porn. It's a fucking pool guy and it's just me and my house.

Yeah, but there's nothing inherently sexual about that. I think if you talk to anybody and you're like a pool boy and somebody by themselves... Because that was like the original porno plot. Well, there you go. Yeah, that's why I brought it up. Oh, I thought you meant it was sexual in like the way he's like... No. Well, there's some sexuality in that too. I feel like a ton of women also have this like sexual fantasy about a delivery guy, an Amazon guy. Yeah, yeah. I know two people that have...

Asked them to fuck him Really? They just opened the robe And the guy was like No Really? What? That's pretty awesome She's just like I want I have this fantasy Were they attractive? The guy or the girl? The girl was okay Yeah she was Ugly enough to do that How was the guy? Well she just said She said he was just Fucking off put He was like I'm done I'm married

didn't report her but i cleaned houses and i remember there was always the guy who was like yeah you know we just cleaned up this house and there was a woman you know the the wife was on there and the guy would always be like yeah you could tell like she would have you know like you know if you weren't here she probably would just like like i didn't see any of that i saw a woman looking in her refrigerator and then running upstairs to take like a ambient or something you know that's what i saw

I used to do construction estimates going door to door to houses in Delaware. And that was always like the fantasy. And boy, did it not pan out. You got to have the look. Can you imagine opening the door seeing me and I'm like, is your roof leaking? You're not horny, are you? You wouldn't happen to be horny at all, would you? When was the last time someone ate your pussy? Yeah.

You know, my dad used to make me sell candy on the subway. Oh, sorry. That's where it goes down. Our childhood. I can't wait for somebody to tell that story on the podcast. Well, you know, like any family, you know, I would be bossed out there to sell M&M's and stuff like that. And then, you know, my brother would come from behind and take his wallet. Yeah.

What was the last time you rode a subway? What? A subway? Yeah. I don't know. My personal assistant seems to like it. No, I haven't been down there in a while.

But I'll tell you, like, the last time I did was way before what's happening now. That's for sure. That was when a guy would come in the car and he would do his performance, not his manifesto. Yeah, they are hitting manifestos. Not the death dance that we're seeing down there. Dude, it is wild what's happening down there. The other night, I saw an Asian woman who was sitting on the subway alone. Subway car, people in the car. A guy came up.

- I'm not gonna say what race he was. - No, no, no. - He was black. - And he was like, "Can I have a dollar?" And she didn't respond. He goes, "Fucking answer me, bitch." And he started like berating her. So I'm like, "What the fuck?"

And so I got off your turquoise rings. So I went up and I sat directly next to her like this and I didn't make eye contact with the guy and he saw me and he just walked away and like left her alone. Oh, you're a hero. Thank you, Angel. And I didn't have like a weapon or anything. So I just had a bottle of water and I undid the cap. And so if something happened, I was going to spray him like a cat. Holy water. That might have worked. Right.

Dude, we should have fucking water balloons. And when shit goes down, you hit them. Or like a fire hose. Yeah. Yeah. And some dogs to scare them. There you go. Right? Now you're racist. No. Stop it. You just said we should get spray bottles to keep black guys away from people. No. No. Only at delis after when school lets out.

I don't think this is appropriate stuff. I'm not saying that. This is the old podcast. This is the new podcast. We've changed. We don't think what you said is funny right now. They need water because they're thirsty and I'm helping. No, it's funny. It's still funny. Yes. No, but I think water is a good deterrent. I was hitting you with the hose the other day.

You see that fucking thing that cleans the pool. The back of it has a hose and we were in the pool and I started spraying him and quickly we realized, both of us realized instantly like, oh, this is probably a bad look. It's not good optics. Turn the ring cam off. Just me and him in a pool. I'm going, this is not good optics.

it had some propulsion dude that thing was flying out of there it was really uh dude this place is like Neverland it's the best I will say this and this is this isn't yeah never mind I shouldn't say that say it it is fun hitting people with a hose it is that's all I'll say bro hitting people with water when they're not expecting it is hilarious right yeah you put your thumb on it the best

What do you let? My mom has dementia. That's how we wash her. Hose her down! She thinks she's on a water slide. That was funny. Yeah, I'm excited. You see the hoop? Yeah. It's going to be nice. First thing I peeped. Yeah, we're going to have some battles. It's not going to go well. When do you start getting in?

It'll probably be hot this week. Can't wait until you set up that first game and you get all those, ooh, can't make it. You with like hot dogs and burgers. That's heavy. I'll crush that. That's all right, man. More for me. More fun for me. I'll work on my game. Work on your screen. Shoot some free throws. Oh, sorry, dude. I can't come by.

Oh, you wanted to beat me up in your pool? Yeah. I can't make it. I'm inviting like Gardini. I want to play Gardini in pool basketball. I got 200 pounds on him. I'm going to push him and dunk on him. Dude, get a volleyball net. I'm telling you, that'll be so fun. You know what would make you here if you got one of those handicap lowers? He's a good guy. He's a good guy.

The Bulls championship music. Everyone's invited. Everyone's invited. You say that everyone's invited and you slowly panned over to that sad crane. I always like when you see that at a hotel, it's like, well, we couldn't leave them at home. We had to bring them with us and they got a pool. So they got to get into it somehow.

Yeah, the crane at the pool is tough. Especially when it's like a small shitty hotel with like a five foot long pool. And there's a crane there. Not being embarrassed. Are you guys hotel pool guys? Yeah. I'm not. Oh, I love it. If it's an outdoor one, I'll do it. But they have ones where it's indoor and outdoor and you have to go like almost like ABC or Bud Stream. But it's always the family that has never swum. They're like, I'm afraid, Dad. Do it. Do it.

And then you play like, I'm going to get those Thai kids out of that cave. How long can you swim underwater? You know how competitive you are?

I'd love to see Dave in there with a family. Oh, dude, we did. I remember one time. Where were we on the road when we went swimming? No, I'm a good guess because if I see a family come in, I go, it's time for me to get out. It's time for me to get out. It's a fair fight. It's so uncomfortable. We were somewhere where there was a pool and we went swimming and I was taking a while to get in and he's already in there swimming like a little dolphin. He's like...

Get in already. I was like, okay. I always feel like this is for the normals now. The pool is theirs. Let them have it. Yeah.

But, hey, you know, L.A., that's a big thing. You know, you go out to – do you like going out there or no? It's all right, yeah. Yeah. I don't love it. I always stay a day too long. Yeah. I think that's the problem with my whole life. That place fucking bars close early. Oh. It's the worst. It's been – it's not a great drinking time. Be very careful out there with the drinking and driving and all that. Yeah, I don't – yeah. You got to Uber that, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, not a good drinking town. They start so much earlier, though. That's the thing. I never got it out there, how they do that. But it's all weed 24-7 there now. I'm not a fan of marijuana. I don't know. It sucks. I got to get into it. Cut back on the booze. This is a good town for that, right? It's an easy way.

Actually, no, it's never my thing but weed yeah, and now this isn't Texas is sure you know you know Oh, you know what else is a problem here? You try to jack off lately. Why you have no porn. What the fuck xxnx? It happened last week. I came home and I tried to whack off They they've taken our porn hub in place. Why I can't believe you guys haven't discovered. I mean this is when we bear arms Yeah

It's a wow. What happened? They've taken it from us. Go to Red X or XXNX. No, no, no. It's not about other options. It's about the fact that they took it away. That's wrong. I might move back to Pennsylvania. There's no point up here. I'm going back to monkeys on dogs. You don't do OnlyFans.

No. Are you allowed to do OnlyFans here? I do OnlyFans. Well, then I'm doing OnlyFans, I guess. It's nice to support the gals and guys and guys dressed like gals. Jesus, gals. What? How are they allowed to do that? You're not allowed to censor like that. Yeah. I don't know what happened. Is your OnlyFans just strictly tranny? And it happened before. One that I like, but it's all women.

And I did have a guy named Little Baby Anthony. And he would get gang banged by black guys in Atlanta. Oh, no. That's what we call my nephew. Oh, no. Fuck. Little Baby Anthony. Well, don't worry. He changed his name to Sissy Pussy because he chopped his dick off. That's my niece's name.

He changed his name to Sissy Pussy. Jesus Christ. That wasn't already taken. And I unsubscribed. What? That was not taken already? Sissy Pussy. Domain name. Great classroom. Yeah, Sissy Pussy, that's a middle school bully nickname. I thought that was a Carvel treat. Fudgy the Whale, Sissy Pussy. Come on. If you're not man enough for Fudgy the Whale...

So you whacked off to a guy named Little Baby Anthony and then he changed his name to Sissy Pussy and you're paying him and you're whacking off to it. No, when he chopped his dick off I said I'm out. Oh, he got rid of his dick. Yeah, he's got a pussy now because he's a sissy pussy. Oh, I thought he was calling his butt a sissy pussy which is very funny. Awesome. I thought he was calling his gay butt a sissy pussy. Milk, milk, lemonade, turn the corner, sissy pussy. Sissy pussy.

Yeah, once they chop it off, the fun is gone. If I meet a gal that has it chopped off when I meet her, fine. But if I'm with a gal and she chops it off, it's no good. You wanted the dong. If she's got it. What's the process with the up and down, the lever itself? Does it get hard as soon as you enter? What? I've seen soft birds get whacked around when they're getting knocked. But like...

What are you talking? Do they get hard when you fuck them in the ass? The women? Yeah. Some of them. Do the women's dicks get hard when you fuck them in the ass? Yeah. Yeah. Who?

Uh-huh. You watch that, too? You know that girl? No. Check her out. I think you might have shown me this, and I was like, Texas better be banning this. If they took my porn hub and I'm allowed to make a video. I always show Dave. I go, is this girl hot? He goes, yeah. And I go, she's got a penis. You're gay forever. Yeah, I mean, there's a bunch of... Yeah, she's very pretty. And you're telling me there's a dick in there? Let me see. Because I don't like that. Let me see.

Yeah, it's not her. Look at her Instagram. Yeah, yeah. It's little. It's a nice one. It fits nice in your ass. Wait. Joking. No, that can't be her. Look up her Instagram. This lady. Yeah. Dude, she's great. She's the fucking best. She's the coolest. She's winning like a bunch of awards because she's super hot. Winning like the Nobel Awards.

Pussy. That's fucking 2019. Yeah, sissy pussy word. Getting the Pulitzer this year. The Pulitzer.

No, but she's super hot and it's like normalizing being with trans women in a way that like, how do you not think she's hot? And then your brain is like, no. Yeah. You're not converting us. You and I got our dicks sucked by a fucking trans woman on a roof. I didn't know. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. I did. Yeah. And then I tried to take her home and she stole my phone. She did rob you. Yes, she robbed me. You fucking hypocrite. Look at you.

Was it the roof of a Wawa? Guys, we can wrap this up.

Let's really eat up. Was it at a Wawa? Did you go in for a soft pretzel and you came out with a double-headed blowjob? I thought she was just an aggressive hot lady on the street that wanted a little double bird. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. I clocked in immediately and we were so yakked out. We were like, oh, let's go. High-fiving each other. It was great. It was fun. Aren't you glad you sat down? Yeah, right? We got to hang out some more time. Dude, you were great when you weren't sober.

Wow. Yeah. No, you were great. You were fucking wonderful. Hang. I've gotten a lot of our friends over. Thank you. None are sober. Oh, dude. Tommy's the last stop to lifelong. Yeah, it is. He's the final boss. Yeah.

It's fucking crazy. We got coke one time and we're like, all right, let's share it. And this fucking asshole, he goes to the bathroom and comes back and it's fucking gone. And I was like, what'd you do? And he's like, I just did a toot. You brought a Starbucks straw. What's the matter with you?

this is christ anything else yeah really man what the wow damn man what guy just got to town i was gonna move again it's like the incredible hope going from town to devil missy yappy over here i'm just gonna seattle stared seagulls

We all miss Philly. Is that what you're trying to get at? No, that was in New York. Oh. Because we were friends in Philly. Yeah. And I moved and then you moved up. Me, you and Nunn used to go to that place in Lower East Side. Library Bar. Yeah. Pictures and shit. Dude, that place was bananas.

There was a carnival of clowns. I left my bike there one time and I went back to get it and it started raining and I was like, well, I guess I should just do Oxycontin. You were way ahead of the curve there, I guess. That's good you dodged that. Oh, yeah. Getting oxys like that? Yeah. You could have been a heroin man.

I am so fortunate. Could have been a junkerman. I never did heroin. Every time I tried to get heroin. The junkermans? The one guy in New York who can't find heroin. Ian Fadane. I swear to God, I tried. Hey guys, you got any heroin? No.

I got arrested when I'm asking for heroin on the train and I was fucked up and I had a 40 and I got in trouble drinking it on the street and the cops made me throw it out. So I threw it in the trash and I looked at when they left, I pulled it back out to drink it. And I went on the train. These guys are nodding off. I'm drinking it. And they're like nodding off. I'm like, Hey, can I have some heroin?

Can I have some heroin? And they wouldn't respond. So I threw my beer cap at them and an undercover got me. And I had a warrant. And so I got thrown in jail for the night. It sucked. What? You had that coming. When was this? Yeah. This was like 2013. Jail? They still have jails there? It was before bail reform. So I was in there five hours instead of two. I thought you were going to white privilege your way out of this one.

No, man. I've been arrested. Wait, did you do heroin before? This is the first time. No, I never did. You wanted to try it? Every time I tried, dude, I asked a guy for heroin one time and he goes, you're a good kid. I don't want you to do this. I was like, but I have money. You just couldn't find the spoons. It was a spoon shortage in the early 90s. I was trying to do heroin in the 90s. It's going to KFC getting sporks. I'm fucked. Nailed it.

They would tie you off to shoot and then you would just, holy shit. That's you? What a badass. Whoa. When did you change race? I didn't know you were a Venezuelan.

I didn't know you were a coyote at one point. Dude, check this out. This is wild. This is the last time I did coke. I was on a bender and I kept calling my friend to be like, come hang out. She's like, no, I'm tired. And I was trying to show her that I was having fun. So I was taking selfies. Oh my God. And I was walking my dog, knocking on people's doors, being like, have you seen my dog? Because I didn't know I had her on a leash. Whoa. And this is... You didn't delete these pictures? Oh my God.

Holy shit! It's like a Jewish caricature. My jaw is on the other side of the street. Isn't it better that I'm sober, Tommy? Dude, I would have woke up and roofed my phone. That's like, that's giving me anxiety. That's so embarrassing. That's insane, dude. Why?

- Why? - What do you mean why? - This is who I was and I beat it. - No, I mean then, that's embarrassing to have done. - Oh yeah, so I kept drinking to make it go away. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so shameful. - Who cares? - You've come a long way though. - I don't care, I think it's funny. - Thank you. - I'm saying it's so, the next day I would've been so sad. - Yeah, but that's why you gotta keep drinking to make it go away, you know? - Well, that's probably about the end of the episode. - Was that the last time you had a beard or no? - April.

- 2012, 2015. - Wow. - Really? - Good for you, pal. - That's when you kind of fake joined ISIS. Is that it? - Coming up on nine years. - I was lost. I didn't know what I was doing. They had a great video online. I wanted to be a part of it. - You see their back? The boys are back? Allegedly? - Yeah. - Are you mad?

You don't know? You don't know about that one? It's been awfully quiet. But do you know who was playing there, right? Gray White. It's our comeback European tour, guys. Keep it straight. No pyro. Let the music do the talking. Ah, shit, ISIS. God damn it. Fuck, they double booked us with ISIS.

They were on the bill. Shit. Well, how do you celebrate an election? All right. That was funny. That guy's got a faint excitement when they're calling the Russian vote. Oh, Putin. He's up. He's up. Sorry, other guy who's going to have a mysterious accident. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. I haven't seen anything about it, really. It's terrible. Of course it's terrible, but I'm saying there's no like... Yeah, why would ISIS attack Russia? They're down there. They're meddling. Yeah, they're Russian. Don't you ever play the game Risk? They're very close. Dude, Eastern European Muslims are fucking nuts right now. Yeah, they're getting mad.

they're all they all look the same they're like i'm just glad the spotlight's off of us that's a very philly way of what do you think they all look the same i've never seen them do they wear pants i see them behind the counter i don't know if they wear you know what i mean ah whatever who cares things are fine right now i i don't know if we're alive no i i saw that right away i was like whoa that's a left turn yeah come back

- Oh, God. - I'm all caught up. I need a new season. - Yeah, ISIS will be, yeah, that'll be a good season. - Yeah. - Yo, do you think some ISIS is coming over here with the migrants? Sneaking in? - Oh, of course. - Getting a little silly? - I don't know. - I believe in it. - Yo, how cool would it be to be-- - I have no idea. - A migrant, like in another country, you're with your boys, and you're like, "Yo, do you wanna go somewhere "where we can just get away with crime "and get paid and we'll be like Vikings?"

overtaking, raping, pillaging. You've been hitting some Fox, haven't you? You've been hitting the Fox News. Get some heroin. I hear you, though. Yeah, I see you. It gets funnier. God damn it.

Dave, so what's going on? Are you excited about anything? I can't wait to go to the bathroom again, but I don't want to be the old man in the room. You see how I'm not looking at the pool? Oh, God! Oh, no. It's too late. Why don't you pee? What am I excited about? I don't know. I mean, it's cool that, you know, it's always good to hang with you guys, I guess. This is like a lot of fun when you're on the road and you get to hang with other comics, and usually it's just you're out there like a one-man band, so...

Big props to the Mothership and Joe, of course. For those who are comedy fans, you really have to check this club out in particular because I don't think anybody does it like that. So I would definitely put that on your go list. And all the boys are there. That's fucking great. And then just more road ahead of me. I mean, I got my special and hopefully people will like it. They're going to love it. Just back out on the road. Hot cross buns. Thanks.

And how about you, bud? What are you thinking? That's it. You're out on the road for the rest of your life. Yeah, but dude, I hate... I don't know if people get sick of me in two years. No way. I got two years in the tank. Shut up. Dude, the worst... Then it's all Aquarium. Yeah. The worst part about the road is coming home and being alone. I hate that. Coming home to no one and just... That's what you do with bands when you're not on the road. That's so crazy. They all say that. I'm so happy when I get home.

home really yes well when I'm on the road I'm doing adventures and activities and when I come home I kind of want to keep it going or have someone to share it with I just have a cat but it must be so cool coming back here and you got fucking these guys now fucking that idiot the mayor being here helps although he's been gone I was sad he wasn't here last night where was he he's over his house sitting at Matt's he's dog sitting oh yeah we flew a kite yesterday in the park and he's like I gotta take care of these dogs

I have to stop playing with kites. That's a full day. We went and saw Ghostbusters and then went to a toy store and I got us a kite. You guys are fucking children. It was the best. No funnel cake at all. You got to unlock your inner child. You have fun.

No, I'm like you. I can't wait when you get back home and you're just alone. Oh, so nice. You open the refrigerator and eat what doesn't smell. I did that today. I just had three eggs. Why did I buy strawberries? I knew they would go bad by the time I came back. There's some kale in there from last week. I thought I was a better person. Yeah. I just buy vegetables. It rots in there. You don't think the road gets lonely, so you want to come home to something?

Yeah, no, it's what we do. I've been bringing my lifelong best friend on the road. He's not a comic. We've been friends since we were 10, and we just hang out, and his wife divorced him, so he's got all this free time. Nice. So he just fucking rolls around. It's the best. Yeah, that's fun. We share a hotel room. We watch movies, try to get some pussy. Yeah, have you ever fucked his sissy pussy yet? No, no, no, no. I've never been attracted to a friend.

That hurts. You don't have to say more mean shit, dude. I've been wearing cologne for 30 years. The mayor's wearing cologne. Yeah, you got... I heard it smelled him today. I was like, why are you... Good for you. You're wearing cologne to hang out with us?

what's your scent i smell a job interview don't take it for granted don't take them for granted all right i really have to go to the bathroom yeah thank you so much for having me thank you yeah thank you guys thank you this is fun thanks for letting me crash check out dave specials am i special and ian's in april yes hell yeah