Ep 485 - Twenty Second Blast (feat. Simon Rex)
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yo howdy y'all we're here we're here with the bro i'm one i'm the bro i'm the bro now i feel like i've stayed on your couch long enough to be the bro yeah wait till you hear you're gonna come in hot dude of course you're gonna come in hot this is this is why you're here brother what is it you want to give a little backstory first about what like how we discussed on the pod but oh you i heard about that phil phil madden on your your i could fart really long

And it's been a superpower amongst me and my friends. It's been a joke forever. And I had a 17 second fart that I've had recorded on my iPhone for about 10 years that I've shared with my friends. And I just beat my record and I sent it to him. He didn't respond. He didn't open it for a couple of times. I'm like, there's no way he didn't listen. Cause we were kind of bonding on farts here on the couch. And, uh,

There we go. Perfect timing. And I think farts are funny because even the person doing it doesn't know what it's going to sound like. It's always a pleasure. That's true. And if they don't stink, it's a win-win. And mine don't stink for some reason, then they're very long. So I present. I bet my match. You might be the chosen one. You're the last airbenders. Yeah.

This is textbook airbending. What did your record come out to be? You said 20-something seconds? It's about 20 seconds. We could have some little time. This is time. Yeah, it's on time. In the middle of this fart, it becomes a Geiger counter for radiation. Wait till you fucking hear this thing, dude. Hey, dude, real quick. It's nowhere.

- Oh my God. - All right, that's my time folks. - I should just wait, where do I go from here? - We don't have to put that on. - No, I love it, but I should, how do I follow that? I gotta just go home? - Call Guinness, no you gotta call Guinness. - You gotta get ahold of Guinness. - Guinness Book of World Records. - No, there's actually, remember on Howard Stern, there was a dude who'd put his, there was that guy could do it for like a minute, he had the, anyway, it's a gift and a curse. - That's crazy, it sounds like when like aliens crackle through like NASA equipment. - Yeah, that's what he was saying. I'm tapping into some alien.

Yeah. You've been able to do that forever? Yeah. I don't... Yeah. Yeah. Damn, that's awesome. It is pretty awesome. I mean, that's like a high... If you were like a high school stunner stash and you ripped that, I mean, that's the apocalypse. Remember in high school, those plastic seats? Yes. You could get the angle and just rip off them. But yeah, I'm...

proud and slap embarrassed it's it's uh i own it it's it's a gift it's a gift what's the recently got a colonoscopy because all my friends like dude you got serious problems like you should go so i'm i i'm for a year ago at 48 i went to get my colonoscopy i'm like dude it's gonna be bad

you know they put the camera up your ass and or whatever whatever they do and uh i was fine it's just a no cancerous polyps nothing like that it was just i rip that's just haters though that's haters when you fart real good haters will be like you got a fucked up ass disease you're like bro stop hating on me i hate when people hate on a fart when they're like oh that sounded wet you shit your pants like don't put that on me yeah man i just farted well fart

Yeah. They're just jealous. They didn't fart at all. Everybody's jealous they can't fart like that. Yeah, and people that don't laugh at farts, it's like, fuck you. You know? It's like, if you can't laugh at that, it's just... Simon, we've covered this probably every other episode for the last seven years, but you're exactly right. People not laughing at farts is... They're pedophiles. Those are pedophiles. The only time you don't laugh at a fart is when you're thinking about trapping a kid. You're like, wait, what was that? Did you just... You got interrupted from... Somebody's moved furniture. Yeah, it's not American. I mean... Yeah. Yeah.

so you're a stern nun stern nun i could see her not being stoked on a hard fart but like a dude being like excuse me what the heck and then of course when you're in a relationship the fart bear you like you hold them in for the honeymoon phase then eventually like when it comes out that's like a glorious time when it's kind of like and then the girls yeah you showed me that you put together a compilation oh my god that's together a major compilation he's a fart dude dude

Dude. What a trooper she was, too. Yeah, that's kind of a good... Is it litmus test? Is that the word? Yeah. Of like, okay, can they hang or not? Because that's fun. Once you could do that... Yeah, but I'll tell you what. I'd become a stern nun myself if the girl fussed. No, oh, dude, dude. I'd become a bit of a stern nun. Dude, so is that sexist? I don't know, because my ex-girlfriend got really comfortable and she ripped one once. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. Never again. This is different. This is degrading, dude.

Yeah. Never again. That's for the boys. Stink, dude. That's for the boys. Yeah. Those are so bad. I get furious. If I smell my wife's fart, I'm mad. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. It's fucking gross. Last night, I actually got up and farted in the bathroom because I had like hot, terrible ones. So I did her the service. Hot farts, dude. I might have to. She always like, you go to your ass. Dragon's breath. Yeah. But yeah, you got to. Girls shouldn't fart ever.

Unless they're with amongst each other. I think women should only fart in women company and guys should just carte blanche. Yes. All day, every day. Guys should fart at the most inopportune times. It's not sexy when girls do it. It's not sexy at all. No, let's be real. When a guy does it, it is sexy. It's so sexy. Let's be honest. They should have one of those cologne commercials where the guy is just like going through a meadow. Woo!

By the way, I saw Dune 2. It's just a fucking cologne commercial. Oh, stop. I love Dune 2. I loved it. I loved it. But it's a three-hour fucking cologne commercial. The fucking black and white gladiator scene. I was sick. It was awesome, but it was just a cologne commercial. When he was walking in the tunnel with the girl after, I was like, oh, man, I've loved this movie for five hours. This is a fucking cologne commercial. It is. It's Chalamet. It's like...

Yeah, the black and white parts, the gladiator arena. Yeah. Yeah, it starts in there. Yeah, that movie was so fucking sick. The movie was sick. That is funny, though. That absolutely was shot. It was a clone commercial. I was trying to put my finger on it. I was like, damn, that was crazy. Like, what was that? Like, how did they do that? It looked nuts. But it definitely was a clone commercial. Yeah, they did a clone commercial. Guy without eyebrows, hot, walking around. That was Elvis. Yeah, Elvis was nice in that. Yeah, Elvis was very good in that. Very evil. He was a little evil man. He was.

Dude, I watched that on, I think, Saturday. All day in my head, I was just like, yeah, I'm Dune. You are Dune. I am Dune. Because I can't remember one character's name. I am Dune. I kept trying to think, I'm the average guy. Paul is the only name, dude. It's Paul. You know Dune's an acronym. Desert Underground Necrophiliac Entertainment Society. What?

We've been on an acronym thing lately. Entertainment society. You just dropped the S. What I like about Simon is when you hang out with Simon, he's done stuff. You're geeky. 48 is crazy. Oh, I'm 49. You're 49. I have the body of a 48-year-old. You look great. I feel great. You look fantastic. I feel fantastic. Thank you. No wife, no kids, maybe? Yeah, true. But just the things you've done. I think I just did the right drugs. I was into stoners. I was never into like...

and all the things that'll make you a lot of alcohol. I was more into like popping a Xanny and smoking weed. So I think it just slowed me down instead of like, yeah, I think, I think it's just genetics. I don't know. But thank you. I'll take that as a compliment. The music career, the like all that dirt nasty. And when I toured his dirt, cause I basically lived your guy's life. Like I did a madam, if you know, I did a music comedy character for years called dirt nasty fitting for the opening fart. And, um,

And I lived on the road touring and, you know, driving from fucking Chicago to Detroit overnight show show. And then it became to the point I was doing it in my 30s. And I was like, fuck, this is something for a guy in his 20s. I'm too old for this. At 30, I was thinking that. And I did for about 10 years.

And it got to the point where, you know, you do drink on the road and you'd look at the tour schedule. It's like, okay, I'm in Detroit Thursday, Chicago Friday. I won't drink on, I'll drink in Chicago. You got to like figure it out because there's no way you could hit it every night. And then one time I did a show and I filled my Jack Daniels bottle with apple juice and I'm pounding it on stage pretending to be drunk because I couldn't drink every night. And a fan grabbed the bottle and pounded it and just looked at me like you fraud.

Like the moment he just might like my hero is a fucking fraud because he knew it was apple juice. So I had to fake it sometimes. And then I realized fake drunk was even better because I was fully in control, but acting drunk because the persona was like, hey, I'm fucked up. Yeah.

Damn, that's pretty impressive though. To fake drunk that hard for all those people was pretty nuts. Yeah, it was fun. I'm sure it's freeing. And then you go to bed and you're fine. It's like when people drink NA beers and they're like, I actually feel the vibe. I feel like I'm having fun. That's like a placebo kind of situation. And there is a little bit of alcohol. My stepdad was an alcoholic growing up and he would drink a 12-pack of mirror beers in the 80s and he's like, I'm buzzed. He'd be like, I'm buzzed. That's pretty nice. You put the governor on him though.

You just put a governor on. You guys can only guess.

12 NA beers is fucked up. It's NA beer belly? Yeah. That's fucking sick, dude. Yeah, so I relate to you comics, and I'm such a comic fan. I just like, I'm a comedy nerd, and so I understand the road. And like, you came home last night from Chicago three nights in a row. You just had SML. Just like, you came home and slept 10 hours. I'm like, I get it. Yeah, it was nice. The road will fuck you up. I meant to ask you that. You're fully settled down now. Your nervous system was like...

I mean, Chicago was very nice compared to the last two weeks. Yeah. Yeah.

That was... Also, I didn't get to say it before publicly. Thank you, dude. When you were at SNL, that helped me a lot. That was a blast, man. You were such a nice... I was nervous walking in. You were my rock, dude. You were my anchor. Oh, you went with them? Cool. And everybody else is sitting there like, this is what you need to do. You got to do this. You got to do this. Don't read the cards. Do this. And Matt was just like, this is crazy how good you are. That's awesome. Fuck yeah, thanks, dude. I'm serious. I was impressed. You were the one person that was like...

This is crazy. Well, it's funny, too, because I was like, do you remember any of that? You're like, no. There's like seven people came in, like, look to the camera, look left, read this line, and we're going to scratch that word. Remember we took that word out, and I was like, do you remember that? No, I was just standing there going. None of it. Yeah, all right. That was crazy, though. Yeah, that was crazy. Just from like a psychological point of view, it's like you're about to go on, and then just to have you rushed with 50 fucking people giving you like minor, tiny critiques, it's like, dude, that's not...

I didn't remember one thing of that.

yeah i was nervous like walking into the building i was like oh jesus yeah in the building is scary it's intimidating i got to go recently to see pete when he hosted it uh recently and it was magical just to be backstage and see how it all works and like it was pretty cool it is cool when you walk in it was funny dude when i went in i had a uh so i called called becky and i was like hey how do i get in here she like gave me like she was like directing me so i'm like walking around getting like puppeted by her directions and i go to this office and i'm like

I'm here now to go to the dressing room. And they're like, what? I was like, uh, uh, I don't know how this works. I'll get down there. They're like, oh, well, I guess they'll send somebody up for you. And I'm like, okay, cool. So like, okay, I'll just wait here. They're like, you know, they looked at me like, whatever the fuck you want to do. We don't care. I was like, right on. So then I just sat, I just stood there like this. Like I've probably holding like a bag or something. People with clipboards would come up and I'd be like,

they would look at me like dude and just keep walking by oh there's my ride just be like i did it the entire time i was the guy on the show and i was going around like i don't know where to go where do i go help it was so fucking funny just watching people walk by the clipboard giving them a smile just kind of like oh you're here for me obviously they'd look at me kind of like the fuck in this walk away i sit there for like 15 minutes just going like

Yeah, but you were extremely helpful. Every single other person was giving me fucking insane notes. You were just like, you're good. It's going to be awesome. Yeah, I was like, hell yeah, thanks. It was awesome. I watched these two stoners hate my set. They hated everything about me. That's not true. I saw these two judges on the balcony. I'd look up at them. They were both going, that's not true. We were smiling from ear to ear. They were worried the equipment was going to fall on them.

I was scared. You got too high. You got afraid of the lights. And we sat next to Questlove. He smelled so good. It was crazy. Questlove smelled good? We were overstimulated. You guys were next to him? Yeah. I think my theory was right, though. He did not laugh very much. No, he liked you. He laughed? Oh, I take it back, Questlove. Quest laugh. He smelled like a candle store. Quest not laughing. Quest hate. I looked up and I saw him. I saw him there in my monologue not laughing. I was like, God damn it, Questlove. Kill me. Kill me.

Come on, Quest. Quest laughed. He laughed at the end. I was like, sick. Yeah, stoners are too worried. I saw the machinery they were talking about and I was like, oh, yeah. That's a scary room to be in if you're high. It was a fucking insane room. It was funny at the dress where they didn't have your dad. You're like, that's my dad. Yeah, it was just a random guy. Oh, yeah. Dude, I got really stoned one time and went into a police station.

To like I was getting when my wife was working for the affiliate PD. She was like, I got to clean out all my stuff. And I was like, right on. I just like forgot we had to do that. So I ate a weed edible and I went into the precinct and I was like, it was just so many guys with guns and everyone was so serious. And I was just walking around like, oh, fuck, man. I was like, you really should get out of here. The vibes are harsh. The vibe is crazy, dude. The vibe is the most harsh vibe. It is the... Affiliate PD, dude's like...

Pointing guns at people all day. Yeah, dude. Getting shot at. But then they just go sit down and they're just like in a room with guns with just, it's the, and a lot of them are like nice dudes, but they don't even know they're stewing in the harshest vibe. It's the harshest vibe. It's crazy. It's like, imagine school principal is like the requirement for base level of the vibe. Yeah. I briefly stewed in the harshest vibe. Yeah.

when I was doing child fucking crime investigation. You remember that? So after I got back from... I lived in Spain for a little. I taught English over there. It was just me being cultured. And I got home and I didn't have a job forever. I thought I could just get a job. I thought getting a job was easy. And then my sister got me a job at...

Department of Human Services in Pennsylvania. She worked for the welfare office in PA. So I got the job as a contractor to investigate child crimes at child facilities. You know what I mean? So if a guard had to restrain a kid, I would go watch the tapes and be like, all right, that was a good restraint. But it was just, you go to the office every day, you sit in the weirdest, like an office. Terrible lighting, just you and ladies sitting

Whoa. And then you leave every day to go, like drive two hours to go to where a kid killed himself. Oh. And then talk to everybody there. It's all like child rapists. Jesus. They're all kids that got raped that became rapists. Damn. In a facility living together. So all they're doing is fucking, it's chaos. Did you ever walk to one of the scenes with like headphones and classical music playing? Classic detective. What happened here was a guy who has the equivalency of a mall security guy

Goldberg speared a kid. I need to watch the tape. Just going backwards a little bit. You know cop where the term cop comes from? Here we go. I know where it actually comes from. The copper bag. Copper bag. Nice. That was because they just had plain clothes back in the olden days. They didn't have outfits so that's how you could tell a cop was the copper bag. Damn, they're all plain clothes. Yeah, that's crazy. You know why they're called 5-0?

because they had mustang 5.0s for a while and the chp would have the 5.0 and that's the one that'll get you the high speed chase was the 5.0 so they're 5.0 that was like a west coast one i think more because california highway patrol had mustang 5.0 cops and you're like you don't want to that's crazy yeah because then they went dodge they went cops went hard dodge big dodge heads right now well but yeah they were ford crown vix for a while yeah and now they're they're big like dodge challenger it's

It's a real challenger versus challenger right now. Challenger versus challenger right now. They're fighting fire with fire. It is. They're just all driving challengers. Just on different sides of the same coin, really. Yeah, when you think about it. They are just like cops or a lot of cops are jeep heads, too.

Jeep culture, cop cultures, pretty synonymous. God, cop cultures. It's great. I can now, from knowing a lot of cops, I can tell an undercover... Or not an undercover, an off-duty police officer. They drive one of like four cars. It's like a murdered out pickup truck, which Sean, your father drives. It's a murdered out pickup truck. And then it's just like any car you see, we're like, who the fuck spent that much money at Pep Boys? It's just an off-duty police officer. It's just an off-duty police officer. The fucking...

Yeah, the Punisher shield on there, the Punisher skull on the back. Oh, dude, I see the Punisher skull. You already know. I'm pretty much an Iraqi war veteran. I'm a cop in Mechanicsburg. And you could tell undercover by their haircut and their shoes, usually. I've heard that, too. They got the clean cut. Whenever I go get a haircut, I always say, don't give me the cop lines because I don't want to look like a cop. No offense, cops. For sure.

It is a hard, you don't want to be, you don't want to be called a narc at like a festival. Also, it is like, you'll get like dudes at festivals where there's like a 47 year old white guy being like, yo, where could I score some ketamine? Yeah. Oh, that was me actually. Yeah.

you don't you you look you don't look like an undercover cop you don't i don't think so either pull it off yeah thank you i'd like to play that'd be fun to play a cop in a movie or something i think i could play a cop but i don't have the essence of a cop you know what i mean you know you're saying you have the essence of a football coach i don't think i have cop energy yeah it's a different vibe and there's nothing scarier than a dirty cop because they're the above the law beyond like a dirty cop yeah scary

you know what I'm saying like dirty cop fucks with you one of my boys he's been in and out of prison forever and he was fucking a cop's wife and stole the cop's badge and he was like showing it off to me I'm like dude you are asking for a big problem he'll kill you that's what I'm saying you just don't do that yeah man

Don't do that. Yeah. He's my boy. He was probably awesome. He is awesome. And he's, uh, yeah, I'd go visit him in prison and it was always so gnarly. I'd visit him. He was at a prison called Wayside, which is near magic mountain in California. It's like this gnarly prison. And he would come out as I got the movies and you talk to him through the thing. And like there, he's just surrounded by killers. And he would, he just had the craziest prison stories. I'd always ask him like, dude, just tell me,

you know the shit that happened i guess it's very race related in california i think texas is the same like you got to stick with the whites but he's jewish but he is white enough that they wanted him on the white side but he had a star david tattoo on his back and they covered it because they're like you gotta roll with us but you can't have that star david yeah so they covered it so he was a soldier for the white boys oh wow as a jewish guy yeah i guess you don't think about what do the jews do others

yeah they're in the others yeah asian pacific islander jews but yeah you'd have to just go white because there are yeah there's a lot of wild ass jew boys dude yeah like i'm half jew so i'm like a loco fucking there's a loco ass you know i'm telling you a lot of jews like people don't think about it but yeah there's the the underworld is chock full like with drug dealing and stuff a lot of like jewish dudes rocking out pretty hard yeah they were like the og mafias yeah you know what's his name uh who's the guy who rigged the world series

Skip Bayless? Yeah. Skip's not having a good time right now. You guys got to know this. Lucky Luciano and him. Bugsy Siegel? Not Bugsy Siegel. I know you're talking about the OG Jewish mobster. He was a beast. Netanyahu? Yes. Rossi? There it is. There you go. Yeah. That's pretty tight. Shoeless Joe Jackson?

Damn, dude. Yeah, that's pretty tight. So what your boy was in, like he was in golf in like West Coast prison politics. Yeah. Yeah. He was in and out for years. He's been out for a while now, but it was just like I go to the I remember I go to trial with his family. I'd be sitting there with his dad, like waiting to see how long.

He was doing counterfeit money and he was so good at counterfeit money that the feds interviewed him in an interrogation room. And they're like, we know you're working for some bigger operation. Who are you working for? He's like, no, I do this myself. And they're like, no, you don't. How do you do it? And he showed him how he does it with literally Kinko's paper and Aquanet.

And he makes the best bills. And, but he got greedy and he would do hundreds instead of doing twenties. So everywhere he goes, they'll hold up the hundred and look and like, why don't you just make twenties, man? What are you getting greedy? And, uh, I'd let him stay at my house. And sometimes I'd come home and I'd see a silhouette on my window of like these

He'd dry them on the window. So I'd see like these hundreds like that he pulled off and I'd call him. I'd be like, Hey dude, were you at my house? Like making counterfeit money? He's like, nah, man, I'd never do that. I'm like, dude, I'm looking at the hundreds on my window right now. Do me a favor. Don't do that. And really don't do that at my house.

damn and yeah and uh so that's a serious crime and then he said the feds went when he proved that he made them himself he said they stood up and applauded as like a joke like you're the you're the best yeah they'll catch me if you can actually yeah that'd be so hard not to do if you knew you could make money they caught him i heard the secret service investigates that too i could be wrong yeah it was a federal thing it's no joke damn dude what a beast yeah yeah fake money is a tight hustle to get into

Yeah. And then I guess another thing you said was that in jail, the amount of time that you get for doing counterfeit and how much money you could make is way less time in prison than someone who moved like an ounce of coke across state lines would get way more time than someone like him who could make $100,000 in counterfeit and he'll do five years compared to someone getting 20 for moving an ounce. So it's like, oh, if you do want to do a crime, maybe go that way. You'll less time, money, not dealing with drugs.

So I encourage everyone out there to do that. Yeah. I mean, if you're going to do something, yeah, it'd probably be a lot better. It's just funny because he's making them. There's probably so many people getting killed over them too. So gnarly. You get found with the fake bills. Oh, yeah. People are probably getting crushed. He should have just do it. Why doesn't he do a little gentleman's version of it? Just like go get like free like groceries. You can go like get groceries for 20s. The 10s and 20s, you can do them all day. Yeah. Be cool. But hopefully he's not doing that anymore. No, he's good. What the hell is he doing now? He's good. He has a kid. He's chilling. He's chilling.

He's older. He's, uh, yeah, he was just living the fast life. I remember one time I went over to his place and he was, uh,

He had an ID and he was making, he was peeling off the ID and putting a picture of himself in so he could have a fake ID. And so he took a Polaroid of himself and cut it out to put in there. And I realized the Polaroid he took of himself, his shirt was off. So as he like ironed over it and I'm like, dude, do you notice anything weird about your picture right now? He's like, well, I'm like, you have no shirt on. You think you're in DMV with your shirt off?

You fucking sicko. He's like, fuck. You bought a motor vehicle? Yeah. That's a good one. That's a good one. Yeah, no shirt. ID is sick. Yeah, that's so sick. That's a holy grail. I always wanted to put tinfoil on my teeth and go to the DMV and just go full grill. That would hurt. Yeah, well, you can't bite down. It's like, hold on a second. Oh, yeah, tinfoil on the teeth. Just go...

Just grill it. We got to hit up Paul Wall, dude. I know. Get a real grill, yeah. We got to hit up Paul. I was telling my wife, I want to get like a silver tooth. I feel like I could get one. I got the diamond. You got one? Damn, dude. He's got a diamond tooth. Actually, my friend who I'm talking about, he's the one. We did it together. We went to a dentist in LA and my friend's

My brother-in-law was a jeweler, so we went downtown, bought the diamond, took it to our dentist, and the dentist was like, all right, I'm going to drill a hole in your tooth and cement it in, and let's see what happens. And he did that for us, and mine's been in here since 05, and his fell out, and he swallowed it. Oh, shit. So he's shitting diamonds, baby, which is like a cult. There's got to be a joke in there somewhere. He's shitting diamonds. Did he wait for the diamond? I don't remember if he fished it out. I'm not sure about that. Yeah, but dude. Speaking of turds. Yeah. You know how last time we were talking about Bobby cutting his son's shit up? Yeah.

So many people have reached out. That was a big deal, yeah. I couldn't believe how many people are doing this. How many people reached out to be doing it? That are like, yeah, I did that. What? Yes. I didn't know that. I had multiple people be like, yeah, yeah. I just saw people saying like, that's crazy, that's insane. It is insane, but there was way more people than I thought would reach out. What is the point of doing that? Bobby Kelly. That's a good question. That was my first concern. Bobby Kelly's son dropped such large shit. How old is the kid?

Now you're onto the real problem. He's 10. He's 10 at this point. Okay. Bobby's still going back and cutting up his son's shit. Is it because it clogs the toilet? Yes. Whoa. Yeah, he's the young Padawan. He could inherit the forest. The forest. Fuck. I think I got some competition.

Yeah, so that's... I didn't know so many people... But yeah, a lot of people reached out and were like this. I've seen one person in my life break up a turd and he was a janitor at the high school. Hilarious. And he was like... He had... There were everyone... I told you about this before. It was when this guy I knew took a humongous dump and it was like tiny balls. It was like corn kernel kind of thing looking. And it was just...

It looked like a small Nerf football. It was insane. And we all, everyone would be like, yo, there's a turd in the bathroom. Go to the bathroom and check it out. So we'd all just be leaving from class. We were making like pilgrimage to this thing. Yeah. And then eventually... We were circling it. The janitor came by like, oh, cool. Like, I'm about to go break it up. And I was like, you're going to break it? And he's like, yeah, dude, you're going to bust it. He was like... He's got to bust this up. He was looking at us. It's too much of a distraction. Kid, we got to learn. We can't...

I just remember him being like, just another day, bro. Like, this is nothing. We're all just like, bro, it's crazy. You're going to go. Cause we kept calling him St. George because he was going to fucking slay the dragon. He's a dragon slayer. Yeah. Do you guys piss on other people's shit in the toilet public? Yes. Obviously. Why do we do that? You got to clean the bowl. Yeah. That's our version of doing that.

true you think it'd be more effective sometimes the turds they stick they will you think the hot piss would fucking get it i like to laser beam if someone leaves some toilet paper like the laser cut the toilet paper if it's floating that's a good one oh yeah that's a good one i had an uncomfortable recently i was on a plane and shitting on the plane is the worst and uh

this do you do it i if you have to sometimes this was much surrounded by greatness right now i'm so staunchly against shitting i should on planes too sometimes you have i mean if you i feel like you go out of your way to shit on a plane i'd be like you i go out of my way to beat off on a plane i feel like i feel like the second you have to maybe shit you're like i'm shitting on this plane all right

well i feel like you have full comfortability i have no compunction but yeah if i have to i have to shoot i'm not gonna function mean again just means like you're not gonna like like uh there's no problem doing it there's nothing there's another part of my head being like don't on this plane yeah well what happened to me was this pretty girl was sitting next to me and i went to the bathroom to take a i'm in there you know you could tell that everybody's like oh he's been in there a few minutes he's taking a you're kind of insecure about the amount of time spent in there like they all know i'm taking a

And sure enough, as I exit the bathroom, she's waiting to use the bathroom. And it just smelled like the end of the world. And then I had to sit back next to her the whole flight. And just as she just smelled my in your just. Oh, you should have been like, did you smell? I know. I was trying to think. Oh, you had to. Yeah. I know. Girl was in before me for two seconds. Yeah. Shit or fucking. Yeah.

- Yeah, that's rugged, man. Yeah, when a strange woman has to, I've done that at like a bar before comedy shows, a lot of the clubs will be like, well, we don't have like a bathroom, it's like the regular bathroom, we have a restaurant next door, you can take a shit, I'm like right on. Then you just crush that with like a nervous comedy dump. Then like you're just at a restaurant, so like someone's came. - Nervous comedy dump. - That's the thing, so is it because the nerves before a show, you have to take a shit, is that a thing? Like, but that's in your early years of comedy, you don't get the nerves like that? - No, still. - It still happens? - Yeah.

I'm give or take. Usually every time lately I've been getting not as many. It is not like it used to be. It used to be every single time. This weekend I crushed a fucking cat. So this is a podcast about farting and shitting. Pretty much. And other stuff. We'll get to that later. We're going to get into Emmanuel Macron's possible male wife.

What's going on with First Ladies right now? First Ladies are down bad, dude. First Ladies are having a tough time. Everyone's just accusing them of having cocks. I don't get it. It's crazy. Who else? Now, this is going to spawn. In the news, there's an effect. Whenever one story gains traction, there's going to be just more and more and more. So, I'm excited. They better not come to Dr. Jill. The French, there, and there's some other shit. The French, like, I kind of... Yeah. That is surprised, I guess. Well, McCrone... Yeah, they're like...

you know, origin story as the one they say is the one they're always like, it's pedophilia. It's like, that's the French theater. Yeah.

True. It's the French theater. You know what you're getting into. 30-year-old woman falling in love with a 16-year-old boy. That's France. That's French theater. Let the French be great. That's their thing of being disgusting freak perverts. Yes. So it's like... Absolutely. I'm not against. I hear that and I go, hey, that's France, man. And isn't the term pedophilia, is the textual term for pedophilia means like, I thought it was like prepubescent. So it's like a 15, 16-year-old. Is that technically pedophilia or is it before puberty? It's a fibophile. It's a what? A fibophile. What's that? A fibophile is you're like, it's like a...

Yeah, like you were saying, it's not prepubescent. It's like if you're like in teens, you're an ephebophile. - Okay, but no one ever uses that one. Like when they talk about Epstein Island, when it's like a 17 year old, they're saying pedophile. Sounds a lot worse. And I'm like, you know what? This has been going on forever. 17 year old chicks with rich old white dudes.

I'm not saying it's good, but I'm saying that has happened forever. That's not the biggest crazy story that that's happening. Like, yeah, that happens forever. Yeah, I think they had like a nice, I think he was doing pretty much everything. It's probably just a little pedo, a little Afibo. I think they were tossing in some pedo. Yeah, I think he was rocking pretty young. Oh, was he? Okay. He was like 13, 12. Yeah. And then obviously he probably, you know, cleansed his palate on some Afibs as well. Yeah.

Was that list ever come out? What are we talking about? They're going to hold it over our heads for the rest of our lives. The list is coming. It's coming. I don't know what to believe anymore. What I do is I assume everybody's on it. Right. Anyone who I go, I don't like your political opinions, I go, there we go. You must be a fucking pedophile. I do. I knew you from somewhere. You must be on that huge pedophile list that's living over the national imagination. You're either a pedophile or a Nazi. It's one of those. True. I can't figure out which one.

We might go to war. That might be World War III. The American Civil War will be pedophiles versus Nazis. And no quarter for prisoners. And just trans first ladies. Trans first ladies are going to be like, go, charge. The trans pedophile first ladies are going to be the fucking commanders of the Civil War, dude. Gentlemen, charge. We'll have the longest Viking Wars.

those half hats with giant deer antlers going against fat nazis the fat nazis are gonna be crazy is there fat i guess there's american all the american nazis but the german ones were all the german ones were pretty lean like oh yeah any fat nazis they were on a tight program uh they always had to suck in their big dogs at the top yeah i think hess was a fucking unit was he really one of the guys one i think it was hess one of the guys was a

fucking slut wasn't hitler known for having really bad flatulence there's that thing there was yeah he had really bad gas my mom told me that when i was farting a lot so you know fart a lot hitler all right thanks yeah didn't he was he was on a cocktail of like meth and he was getting towards the end he was just jacked up you see the footage of him and he's just tweaking out on me there's an amazing documentary called high hitler and it was about his drug use and his doctor that was with them all the time that everyone hated he was this annoying doctor but he gave him his cocktail of meth and opiates and it got to the

towards the end where he would have to in bed get shot up just to get out of bed of a cocktail of drugs. This documentary's amazing. I haven't been able to find it. I saw it years ago, but it was probably on the internet somewhere. But yeah, "Hi Hitler" about the drugs. - You can see him at the Olympics. - Damn, that sounds awesome. - The '36 Olympics. He's sitting there going like, he's fucked up. - And they were saying it was like his, not Parkinson's or they were saying it was something, but it was really like he was just tweaking it.

Damn. No, they gave all the Nazis meth. Yeah, I knew they gave the boys. So they created it, right? Or was it the Japanese first did it and then it was these Japanese or Germans? So two of the thirds of the Axis of Evil were creating it. I'm not sure. You like that I knew what Axis of Evil was, didn't you? That was nice. And Italy's the third. That was nice. I'm not that good at history, but I knew that one. That was good. Yep. I don't get, here's the thing I don't like. When they put, like he had bad farts.

on Adolf yeah what'd you think they're always like yeah you know he had fucking herpes and he was gay and he had fucking he farted a lot it's like dude he killed six million people that's that's the one we should stick with we don't need to add stuff yeah true well they're just trying to make him seem as like not as cool as possible too

You have a huge loser. Bad farts on meth, dude. Going nuts, dude. Chill. Are bad farts synonymous with meth? You would think that's not. I would think they would just... You know, it's like you're probably tweaking and just pushing that shit out all day. I'm... True. That's a good point as well. It's just...

Yeah, that's... You ever take an Adderall? That's the same shit. I've done that before, which is... Do you fight hard on it, though? Yeah. You take some decent craps. Do you really? Yeah. I guess so. If your nervous system's all ramped up, you're just... So World War II was essentially alcohol versus meth. Yeah. Yeah, and they would stay up for two or three days and not need to eat. They had the advantage. Alcohol reigned supreme, though, again. They won. In what sense? It fueled the Roman Empire. It fueled the Allies. I mean, alcohol continues to dominate. Yeah.

Other than the Irish. Yeah. But the British are tough, too. I mean, the fact that Ireland's still a country. Yeah, they're holding on strong. Yeah, people invaded it. I think three... Was there three major invasions in Ireland? And then the British, too. Yeah, they had the Vikings. They had a lot. Germanics, maybe. I forget. But... And the Brits. The Saxons. But that was...

into that's kind of whatever i just saw some thing it was like the vikings were on drugs when they would you know hoard and rape and pillage and they're on psychedelics you know there's all these theories about like when you hunt you would take the mushrooms to berserker yeah yeah that's become a very common theme lately with history and i don't understand why i mean i guess it's how do you prove that i don't know if it's true but you know uh it makes sense that you could use some psychedelics to help you with your hunting or whatever you could be born in the fucking woods

And live in the woods your whole life. That's true, yeah. And then be a fucking retarded guy and somebody hands you an axe. Well, it would have been like, back then, that would have been like taking mushrooms and going to a sports game. Like back then, like murdering and raping and pillage was like, no one would have been like, yeah, this is fucked. Yeah. I wonder how much knowledge they had over that shit.

- The what? - And ability to get a lot of it to give to people. - Oh, like grow the mushrooms? - Yeah. - They're probably just wild. I think they just-- - Yeah, they find them in the cow shit. Imagine being a hot-- - That's true. - Imagine how hard it must have been to be the hot Viking girl in a village.

And how much she's just like, I'm getting raped a lot. You know? Like, being super hot. Like, I feel like women is hot back then or are they getting hotter? Because I feel like women are getting hotter. Not by getting their face done or whatever. They're getting hotter, but dudes were horny about it. There must have been like a really hot girl in like the mountains of...

Wait, I missed that one. What did you say? I was saying girls have definitely gotten hotter, but dudes were hornier back then. So it's kind of relative. But yeah, that's... Because rape was not illegal until not that long ago, right? I think rape was pretty illegal. I think it was frowned upon. It was probably... I mean, the biblical times, they were kind of like... Yeah, they'll kill you.

Yeah, but it was like you could go to enemy territory and kind of like... Right, right. That's when it's... Yeah. Yeah, the Vikes couldn't like... That's when it's like expected. Yeah, the Vikes couldn't like microdose at home and go like just like rape everybody in their village. Everybody's like, bro, what the fuck? What does it mean to pillage? I'm so high. What does it mean to pillage? Is that like rummage through the shit after you rape them? Yeah, taking their stuff. Taking their loot and booty. Yeah. Yeah.

I had a history professor that said booty all the time. Did he really? Yeah, anytime we were talking about war, he'd be like, and then of course they gathered all the booty. Like pirate booty? That's crazy. What is booty? It's just shit. It's just stuff. Oh. Yeah. Ever thought about guarding your booty? Do you have any booty here?

I don't have that much booty. Oh, I have my precious sword. I saw that, dude. Take that out. You're going to want to get a gander at that. Have you seen this thing yet? No. It's my West Point. You know sword's an acronym, right? This is how I always open swords. I don't know about you guys, but I go a little bit, and I go. Take a look at that, dude. It's very dull, dude. It's a show blade. Yo, that's nice, man. It's a parade blade. Yes. Oh, God.

look at the handle dude it's pretty sick i was in here admiring it but i you know that's my manners i was like i'm not gonna touch this dude he on a country bro that's nasty is that like a replica remake or is that a real relic uh i don't know there's some some gentleman from the west point gave me that they honored my service damn that's awesome dude i honor your service too thank you for your service no problem it was uh it was really hard probably was difficult is there east point

probably yeah east point smoke some dang um that thing was sick i was in here admiring it and i went i was about to hold on i appreciate i appreciate your prudence the house is sword i'm just morphing into james at this point

I got a little bit of money. It's time to buy swords and fusion frenzy. You got to start it. You got to start it. The Instagrams. You're just in a dark room like, ah! His Instagrams are for real the best. Have you ever had a friend come over and he won't stop farting on your couch, but it is funny. So I'm wondering in the comments if you think what I should do here. Oh my God.

- Yeah, he is the mother fucking main dude. - He rocks, James rocks. - Oh man, what a beast. - Just based on your impression, are you talking about the dude from Love on the Spectrum? - Yes. - Dude, good impression. - Thanks, man. - I was. - And I just recently found the girl who's the, I found her Instagram, followed her yesterday. She's, I can't remember her name. She's like the cute one that went to Africa on the safari. - Danny. - Oh, she is awesome, dude. - She is so lovely. - And her mom posts her. - Yeah. - And it's kind of like, it's not really like exploitative, is that the word? - No. - Is that the right pronunciation?

But it's amazing because it's like her mom's like, oh, look how cute what she says. It's great. It's fucking incredible. Yeah. I told you when I came over here last time I stayed with you, I don't think a show has ever moved. No movie could move me as much as any episode of Love on the Spectrum. Like, I'll cry. I'll cry every time. You told me you. I cry every time. You cry.

Like you can't if it is the most touching moving beautiful thing like when they hold the hammer can I hold your hand like dude Yeah, and the world is so beautiful - it's like when the parents the parents happy found someone Danny's mom gets me Every fucking time which one which one the one you were talking about. Oh the lady that's posting that Oh, yeah, what's her name? I forget her name. The girl's name is Danny. Yeah. Yeah, and Yes, the mom the first episode they were in like I

They went outside and were like, would you like to go on a date? Can we be boyfriend and girlfriend? They came back inside and told her. And then the mom was like, oh, that's great. And then it cut to just the mom talking to the camera and crying. Yeah, that's right. I saw that. Or when they're in Africa overlooking the safari and they're behind them choked up. It's just like, oh, dude. Why do you think they fuck with medieval times so hard?

Because I fuck with Medieval Times myself. But I'm wondering like... Because that's where the inbred started that long ago. It's like deep DNA. It's because they know what's good, dude. They do. They know exactly what's good. Medieval Times is... Transformers. Medieval shit. Yeah, for sure. Lions. All cartoons. Wrestling. Wrestling. The new Mario Brothers movie. They know what's good. The new Mario Brothers movie. It's going to be off the charts. It's going to be crazy.

Yeah, they fuck with medieval times so hard. And it's like, I was wondering if it was just more of like a... James got outshined on the last one. How? There's a new swordsman. What? There's another guy with a... Connor has a nasty sword collection. What? Yeah.

I forgot how good... I went back and watched the Australian one with fucking... Michael? Michael's obviously... Michael's goaded, dude. He's on the Mount Rushmore. He is. He's on the Rushmore. He's on the Rushmore. But... Mr. A-plus. What's his name? Kelvin, the Asian kid? Yeah, he was so nice. It's like, do you want hugs and kisses? Yes, please. Yes, please.

Yes, I want hugs and kisses. He's the one who went on a date and they busted out Nintendo DS and fucking ripped. Yes. Yeah, that was... He's like, no, I'm waiting patiently. I'm not playing that shit. He's the one who... He has the camera in his room and he starts showing all his... He draws anime girls and shit. And it got to one that was like... It was just zoomed in on the dance that he drew. That was his bait. The camera's next to him and he's like...

He's like, chill. They're like, do you want us to leave now? He's like, yes. Well, that's becoming more common now. Autism is spiking. Yeah. I wonder if it's just not Mother Nature being like, let's do a little reset on humanity. Because they are angels, dude.

Although they can go evil. They can go rogue. They can go very rogue. It's time to break the sword collection out at the bowling alley. It's time to fucking... They'd certainly live in a sick, sick world, though. Has there ever been, like, a serial killer who's mentally challenged? What's the right way to say it? I think probably all of them. For sure, yeah. There had to be one. Back in the day, just murdering and... I don't know about serial. Definitely killer. Maybe not... Yeah, I think they would solve the crime pretty quickly. They'd be like, I know who did it. It's the...

Just a guy panting in a field. Yeah, maybe not serial, but I mean, an altist for sure could go on a nice run. I think most of them are probably altists. Yeah, yeah.

Most of them have personality disorders, this says. Cunanan might be the GOAT, dude. J serial killer? Yeah, that was pretty awesome. Did you see that show? I remember when it happened in real time. That was in the 90s in Miami. I remember when that shit was going down and they chased him down. He was in the boat and everything and he popped

Versace on the steps of the house, right? Yeah. Andrew Cunanan. And the rapper he refers to, man. Shine. Shine. Yeah. He talks about Cunanan? Andrew Cunanan. He flipped some bar about Andrew Cunanan. Damn. Yeah. That was a hot bar. Is it Bad Boys? I can't remember. Shine. Shine.

i forget we listened to it in your car but you remember you skipped it i'm like go back to shine i was like don't skip shine we had to go back shine rules shine became a jewish uh you know this in real life he went to israel and like after the puffy thing with the gun and all this shit and now he is fully in israel at the wailing wall with the whole thing he's become like a devout uh

A devout Jewish religious guy. Is he really? Oh, yeah. You can look it up on the internet. He's fully in Israel with the beanie and the... Not the peyosis. I don't think he could grow the thing, but he's at the wall, the wailing wall, and he's just like, he must have done something bad to find religion that much and go that way. Yeah. Especially to find Judaism. Yeah, prison Judaism is crazy.

I can see you going and finding... Well, that was another thing. When I visited my friend in prison, I remember seeing this black dude with the Star of David. I brought my boy Burger King, McDonald's. He was at a fire camp for a while, and I brought him McDonald's, and I had to walk through this outdoor courtyard. And when I had that McDonald's in my hand, everyone looked at me, all these killers and fucking prisoners, like I had McDonald's. Dude, it's like when you get to leave during school, and you come back with McDonald's for lunch.

Yeah, that never leaves. Dude, I had McDonald's through the garden. And I remember I had green pants on and the warden was like, you can't come in here with those pants because they look close to the pants of the prisoners. They thought I'd be doing a swap. So I'm like, I don't have it. And I had to go back to my car and put on these like basketball shorts just to enter to bring the McDonald's. And it was just like, imagine being in jail and getting McDonald's. Oh man, that's awesome. Yeah, I'm a good friend. It was like a three hour drive.

that's awesome i forgot about the fire fucking fire camp those are they send you in first it was like a program you could do when you took it you have to fight fucking wildfire they send you in first it's disposable here kind of like in russia what they're doing when they send the prisoners in first kind of like that with fire like they send them in for they're more disposable but you want to go to fire camp because you get out of the i would do you have outdoors kind of prison that'd be kind of cool yeah

Fire camp would be sick, actually. Yeah. If you're bored out of your mind, I would be like, yeah, I'll go. But yeah, that is scary. That'd be the scariest shit ever. You start losing the firefight. Yeah. It's tough. Yeah. Yeah, I'd just murder the guy next to me and be like, take me back to jail. I did a survival thing recently, a one-day survival crash course where you have to build a primitive shelter, make drinking water out of a stream, and start fire. And me and this dude together did it with...

friction fire with sticks took about four hours me and this guy had to do it together forearms balls so tired but when you start that fire and the tinder goes and you create fire maybe the best feeling you could ever imagine that's all create fire like it was awesome yeah how what was the shelter uh you just had to make like this little thing that and then they have to approve it and you basically just make like a little tp type thing out of like brushes and sticks and and then you have to get water and boil you guys saw a friction fire in the tent no

That'd be dope though. Imagine me farting in that tent for 20 minutes.

You could have fueled it, dude. That's true. You could have hit 22nd fucking farting. I know. I would have been like a resourceful person in the old days. That would have been like my survival thing. We need this guy, yeah. And then I also just learned in prison, my boy told me this. Sorry to keep harping on this. No, it's good. He said if you fart, you'll get your ass beat in prison, so you have to fart on the toilet and flush it immediately. And if you don't, not kidding. If you don't, you're getting your ass beat. You're getting your ass beat if you just fart. Do you think a murderer and a cellmate says good morning? Like,

Like, good morning or good night. I don't think they do that. I don't put women on that program, though. Yeah, that would be so scary. Like, good morning. How do you say it? Good morning. I mean, a good night from a murderer in prison. Good night. That's even scarier. Good night. He'd be like, nope. He'd be like, nope, I'm up. Good night. Ah.

And you'd be like, fuck. Just fascinated with jail because I don't know what would be my survival thing. I'd have to be like a court jester and be like, maybe make them laugh to beat. But then you might offend somebody. Yeah. I don't think I'd bring the muscle. I'd have to bring something. You'd get hit to books, become a jailhouse lawyer. Yeah. That'd be the move. Yeah. Just fully go spiritual and learn and become like a monk. That's not bad, too. Yeah. Yeah. I like to fantasize that I'd be actually...

I mean, I don't like the food part. No, not that at all. You'd become a, you'd get a, you'd get a swab. I think I'd be more like, like Stowaway Monk where they'd be like, I don't know about that guy. Yeah. I would try to go like, I would definitely get white boy crazy. You could mentor a youngster though eventually. For sure. You'd get old, become a bookworm. That would be nice. The youngster comes in. Reading and working out, I would like that part of it. Yeah, pushups, reading. Yeah. Maybe pretend you're gay and then just bite a dude's dick off and they'll be like, you don't know, fuck with this dude. True. Yeah.

i wonder yeah i mean guys that's right that's my plan guys have to go for the bite the dick a lot there's probably some harsh punishment what else would you do yeah i mean you'd probably suck kick to death yeah i think if you bite the dick they

John Wayne Bobbitt. Remember that? John Wayne Bobbitt. My stepdad, who I told you about drank the mirror beer. He did a he was like a radio personality in San Francisco, like a local kind of DJ on the radio. And he did stand up one night and it was during the John Wayne Bobbitt time. And he he says, John Wayne Bobbitt, he's just nuts. That's hilarious. That's actually really good.

Yeah, I remember being young, obviously, when that happened. And it was just a joke. Everybody made that joke. And then they sewed his dick back on. Not that particular joke, but just like, that guy doesn't have a dick anymore. I know. They sewed it back on. Everyone just laughed at him. They did sew it back on. I think they sewed it back on. Good for him. It was huge, too. Really? Must have been if they found it. They found it. Exactly. Finding it on the side of the roads. They found it on the side of the road. Yeah, crazy.

It couldn't have been hard anymore, so it was a soft little... You cut off a boner, does it turn flaccid? Yeah, that's a good question. Does it stay like almost rigor mortis where it stays? You'd think all the blood would rush out. Rush out and turn into your flaccid bird. It would turn into just skin. You guys wake up with wood ever still? Yeah. Me too. You guys know a penis is technically like a blood sponge, so blood goes into it, it gets engorged. So it would stay engorged unless it's squeezed.

so you should have to watch if you someone cut your penis off even with someone coming around just gripping it up jerk this thing with the prison survival would be nice to instead of biting the dick just get like real nice and giving dome yeah but still keep it a hundred coming through keep it a hundred would you be like sloppy toppy just talking you'd be like foot up against the wall with your boys you'd be like i got you just yeah

you gotta get yeah you gotta yeah all right yo catch you later bro you gotta become the throat goat so they don't so you never get you make them pop before they that's a good point but you can still keep your masculine tough prison energy be like all right bro i'll catch you later dog yeah get one love i i bet one love come here

Did you ever watch Wes Watson? Yes. As a matter of fact, I had a podcast for a while. I had him on as a guest. Him and Charlie Sheen were my two highest ratings. Hundreds of thousands of views. You can look it up on YouTube. I had a show called Nervous Rex. And I had him on because I found him and I was like, and I ended up hanging out with him. Because I had him on the spot. He came up from San Diego. He came up and did the pod and he was just explaining everything.

I was because I'm fascinated with the prison stuff. So he was explaining all the politics and all this stuff. And yeah, so I had him on the pod. And remember, I took him to lunch to Air One, which is like the bougiest like health food spot in L.A. And I'm sitting with him in the car with Wes Watson and I take him to get like an organic lunch. And I would go at one point, I'm like, why am I doing what am I doing?

Like, this dude is gnarly. But he ended up being the homie and we stayed in touch. And, like, I still hit him up once in a while. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. The big homie, Wes. I'll get him on your pod if you want him. Dude, I would love it. I've watched so much of his shit. Matt's been on Watson for...

Day one. His videos. Yeah, way back when he started doing like the walk in the yard. Dude, he's my favorite dude. He makes me laugh so hard. He's the guy on No Jumper that said that he hit him up. There's a guy on No Jumper that has a trans girlfriend. And then he hit up Wes. Oh, I saw that guy. That's like he's not gay. He said, well, he's not gay. Yeah. But Wes, he hit up Wes and he went on the thing like, he just called me gay. It's so funny, dude.

Well, it is funny because he's been in prison for 10 fucking years. Yeah. So he's like, he's hit him up and he was like, yo, you're fucking gay. Shut up.

What's funny is that he was really into snowboarding when he was younger. My boy was a pro snowboarder and he was like, he saw that I posted my friend Nate Bozong. He's like this legendary snowboarder. And Wes was like, dude, you know, like he was starstruck by my boys. Like I rode with him before. That dude's a legend. And it was funny, like picturing him as a young snowboarder. He was really good. He was like semi pro or pro snowboarder. Yeah. Yeah. I heard he was nice. It'd be funny if he was still that jack. I know. Jack snowboarding. Oh yeah. Fuck you all.

Fuck. So much fucking air.

Yeah. He is the man, dude. He's a, his, have you followed him still? He's like, he's on where he's just like, he's, I watched the whole thing blow up. I found, I was like the first one to find him. And I, it's awesome. I don't know how I found him just in my algorithm of looking at prison shit or whatever. And I just hit him up and he was down. He drove up from San Diego and had him on the pot. It was a, it was a cool conversation. He was like breaking down. Just, I'm just fascinated with that shit, man. It's just so not me. Uh,

That I'm just like, yo, that's scary. It's scary shit. Yeah. Yeah, especially when you have to do all, like, you have to become, like, get into, like, the white gang politics and all that stuff, you know, because that's got to be tough. Especially now, having to do now, like, if you did, like, all this work on yourself and became, like, super lib, and then all of a sudden you go to, like, California prison, you're like, oh, damn it.

yeah i have to start from scratch it'd be super live damn back to the back to the fucking home base dude i worked so hard yeah because some states aren't as race some states aren't as race related but i guess california and maybe texas are maybe i shouldn't speak on that about texas but i think that they're very race like you go with your race and it's really like that in california my boy told me you can't even bump potatoes with the black dude which means like give a pound like you can't even do that there because then you

because that's hanging with the others, you know? Yeah.

Damn. It was nice for him because then he got out and was just like, look, I don't have to. People tried to spaz on him for it and he was just like, dude, if you went to prison, you'd have to do 88 burpees. And it is, I've been working out a lot. It is tempting to rip 88 burpees. It has nothing to do with Harry's brotherhood. It's just a good number. It just would be fun to be like, okay, cool. Is that Hail Hitler 8-8? Yeah, he would say they'd all do like 88 burpees and 20, you know, it was all like 23 white or whatever. But it is just like, it's a, you know, it's like a fun thing to keep in your head. Like, it's a fun goal.

Fun goal. Race politics aside. I wonder where the term burpees come from. What's the origin of that word? Burpees. What is it? I don't know. That's a good question. Was it military first or was it prison thing? Probably military. That's a good question. Can we get a... I'd like to know that. It's actually an acronym. Your acronym check before the podcast was pretty nice. Yeah. That is a very fun thing to do. It is fun.

What does Burpees come from? It's the name of the guy who invented it. He was a physiologist from New York City in the 30s, and he invented the Burpee. He invented Burpees? As a part of his fitness test. What?

They're hard, man. Yeah, they are. That's no joke, dude. And the form, you got to get the form right. You don't jump when you come up. That's weirdo shit. That's according to Wes Walsh. That's big homie Wes. The jump up top? We don't jump up top. That's weirdo shit. All right, good. I'm glad to get rid of that. I'm all right getting rid of that. Yeah, that's weirdo shit, dude. You can't do the jump up top. I do the jump up top. The jump up top's tough, dude. The jump up top's crazy. But now I know it's weirdo shit. I don't do it anymore. Damn, that's fucking sick. You're chilling with a big homie. Yeah.

He is the man, dude. He is a fascinating character. That's the thing about Simon. Every time I hang out, you've done so much shit. Yeah, I've had pretty crazy lives. Like last night, pause, the song My Dick. Yeah. I was going to just say, last night, my dick. Yeah.

It's funny because you get a lot of trouble saying that. I remember when we got, for people watching or listening, our big song when I was doing my music stuff was called My Dick and it was our biggest party song. And I remember we got signed to Interscope Records and there was this executive and the song was like a demo and he was like, all right, but you know, the song's good, but it needs some work. There's a few holes in my dick. Yeah.

So people always say, like, you got to be careful. He's like, there's a few holes he wanted to fix, like the mix on it was bad and all these things, but it just sounded so weird.

But yeah, that's the anthem, man. And then I showed you the one from the war, the 1980 with the soldiers. That shit's crazy. Yeah, a bunch of guys. Was that Afghanistan? I think it must have been because it must have been like 2008. So yeah, Afghanistan, 2007, something like that. And all these soldiers made a video. It's on YouTube. If you just type in 1980, dirt, nasty, maybe U.S. military, whatever will pop up.

And it's the soldiers made a music video like in their downtime in tanks, fully fatigues, doing like funny things. And they're they're doing my song. And it was just like and I remember I was working at Happy Madison at the time and Sandler loved it. He was just so pumped. He's like, that's the best compliment you could get. He was like, proud American. They motherfuckers got your shit out there. You should be. That's awesome. That is pretty tight.

- So what instrument, do you play instruments? Or are you just singing and-- - I have an MPC which is, it's a drum machine. So I don't know how to play any instruments. - I saw you break it out on a plane. - That's right, I was sitting on the plane when we first kind of started hanging out. So we met on Bupkis. We met on Bupkis. And we were actually on a flight to Austin before we moved here for South by Southwest.

And we're sitting next to each other and you had your little Nintendo. You were playing a game on Nintendo and I busted out my big MPC. And I'm making beats because it's just like hunting and pecking. It's like almost like if you're typing, you're just like... So it's really, I don't know how to play an instrument, but I listened to enough rap as a kid to...

emulate a beat so i made that song my dick in five minutes it went platinum i have a platinum plaque on my wall one million sold and i made the beat in five minutes and then of course there's like a metaphor for life like if you okay eight o'clock saturday we're gonna go in and make a hit and you overthink it no you're not it happened because it was just like a happy accident like i just made a beat my boy actually andre legacy he's like oh i got an idea for a song it's called my dick

And I was like, let me guess what it's about. He's like, no, no, it'll be like my dick, you know, your dick like that. And I was like, that's a horrible idea. So I was like, let me just make a beat to shut you up. So I just made a beat to shut him up. And that was our biggest song of all time. That's crazy. I know.

- That's awesome. - I wanna play it. - It was on Harold and Kumar, it's been on like American Dad. That's where you make the money. What I learned in the music industry is if you make a song, you produce it, you get 50% of the royalties right out of the gate as the producer of the song. - Really? - Then I'm rapping on it too, so you get a third, it was three of us, so I get a third. So I made like 66 cents on any dollar that was made on that song. So if it got licensed by American Dad, I got a nice little paycheck for a five minute song. I was like, this is how you make money 'cause no one really buys music.

that much anymore? You got to go on the road and sell merch. I imagine it's kind of, you guys probably have the same with merch. That's where you clean up. Uh, but yeah, yeah. Uh, dude. Yeah. My brother was saying he knew somebody like through someone he knew who just makes like the music for like between scenes and football games and shit. And he makes a ton of fucking money. Yeah. That's just weird. Like all one off things for like TV shows. And he's like, that's all he does. Yeah. Pretty cool. But yeah, that's how I'm in shape. And we did bupkis.

And we met briefly before that. Did we wear the comedy cellar? Oh, we did. I remember that. Yeah, my bad. But no, no, no. We didn't. We didn't really hang out. I love going to the cellar, man. Yes, that's the best spot. I'm a comedy nerd. I go to the store all the time. Me and Jeff Ross went the other night. I got to just because at the cellar or the store on any given night, you will just get the best live entertainment back to back to back to back.

It's fucking magical. I feel like it's so cool to see stand-up being so big right now too. You guys are just crushing. I love it. It's awesome. It might be too big. In my opinion. Because people want live shit now. The mothership is nice now. It's right there with those. These two are the...

The heir apparent to the mothership. I mean, these guys, Gardini and LeMaire, they can't get enough. They're there all the time. It's rock star lifestyle every fucking day. That green room's dangerous, though. The smelling salts. These guys. Dude, the smelling salts we did, dude. Woo.

You guys are the... You guys are on Austin. They're elite Austin. You guys are Uday and Kusa. You're my fucking nasty little sons. Drinking, carrying on. Drinking, carrying on, fighting, slapping people. Kissing. Pushing. Kissing.

Yeah, it's pretty wild what you guys have done. We were doing some wrestling chops the other night. Yeah, of course. You guys are hitting. You guys are roughhousing all the time. It's like ancient Greece. Isn't there wrestling, drinking wine, kissing? Sack of wines. Matter of fact, it was that trip that was open. It was like the soft opening of the mothership. Chappelle did a set. Yes. That was that weekend. It had just opened, but it wasn't like officially open. It was like the first time it had opened doors. It was one year ago.

wow that was only yeah i was literally one year ago yeah i felt like oh this is cool i'm like this is legendary i'm in the green room first bomb on the little boy i was the first comic to go on the small room that's so fucking fun and uh yeah i got to open for chapelle and i just you know took one right on the fucking chin in front of everybody to christen to christen the room you broke the whole room in yeah

That room's fucked up though because you think you're like 150 people I'm going to smash you here. I'm about to slaughter. The first couple times in there it's just bad. I'm going to do terrible. I did so well. I did so bad the first month I was in there. That's the room that's not the balcony room? Yeah. That's the other small one. I like that room. Now it's fun. Now I like it but it's weird. That must have been real pressure. If I knew anyone was watching me I'd be like Yeah they're like this is it. This is the first show on this stage. Dave Chappelle's watching. And it's like it's just you and Dave Chappelle just open. Yeah it gets you nervous. That would get my hiney hole puckered up. Yep.

It was bucket. It was bucket. And it was just like comedians and Chappelle and his group. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of cool people in the room to bomb in front of. Yeah, it's the worst. I think I might be hitting a point though in my adult life where I'm like, I can't. I don't, whatever like physical material is producing anxiety, I don't think I can make it as much anymore. Like I can't afford to stress over certain things. Like I just can't.

So I think it might just be like a psychotic, like a light psychotic break. What do you mean? Because I was like, I'll like stress, like if I'm like, oh, I'm here, the show or like someone's watching, I'll get kind of like, and like my brain just did a thing where it's like, I just can't afford to be stressing out this hard anymore. That's nice. I can just be like, I'm just going to try it. I've been trying to get more into the spirit of erotic play. That makes sense. Not so much where it's work, it's just play. I'm telling you, I think it's the key.

Erotic play. Just play in general. Yeah, just not like sexual, but like an erotic element is what you're doing. Neurotic or erotic? Erotic. I'm trying to take the neurotic away with the erotic. Very sexual. Yeah.

sexual play on stage. Just trying to recapture childhood innocence, really. Rather than all this business and all this fucking personality. Yeah, that's what happens. It loses the fun when it becomes work sometimes. Exactly. Yeah, it definitely does. You gotta play. I need to play. That's all I've been saying. It's just like going out there and being, teeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeeeeeee

It's around there. I'm doing that. Nice. Roughly. You're going out there going, hee hee hee hee. Yeah, I get a lot of that. Wow, wow, what a great audience. True, true. Wow, wow. Wow, you guys are so awesome. Wow. I remember back in the day, I used to go to the cellar in the 90s and I'd see Chappelle and Bill Burr performing in front of 12 people at one in the morning. And I remember like they hadn't blown up yet. This is like before the Chappelle show even.

and i remember chappelle this is like back in the days before uber and everything where uh they wouldn't pick up a black guy in a cab it was like racist cab drivers so chappelle would be like hey simon go hail a cab and i'd hail the cab and then he'd get in that's awesome yeah and i was on tour with well i was hanging out with with jeff ross and chappelle angry african driver yeah but i i just thought that's so awesome that i was like the white guy to hail the cab and then

Yeah, I was recently, Jeff Ross opened for Chappelle for like five shows in Paris and I was out there working and I got to go hang with them and was hanging with Chappelle and reminded him of that. He had no memory of that whatsoever. I was like, dude, it was pretty awesome. That's pretty funny. Yeah, that's cool. That is funny. Remember that? No. Yeah. Fuck.

Yeah, I've stopped also saying nice to meet you because I a lot of times say nice to meet you. It's a big topic. You have to say nice to see you because at least then they say, oh, we haven't met. But then they know if you're full of shit. So that's a big problem for me because...

We can't remember this many fucking people. I've always been bad with people's names and faces and I always go, oh, nice to meet you. Oh, we actually met. I feel so bad. I just did that to you. Yeah. Actually, that wasn't the first time we met. That's right. I just go delighted. I'm like, delighted. Oh, the pleasure. I'm so delighted. And I kiss all the way up their arm. I'm like, I'm so delighted to see you. What a pleasure. You're so sweet. Maybe you could just say, nice to see you. What's the safe way to do it? Not again. Nice to see you.

I just go, the pleasure is all mine. And then I kiss them. The pleasure is all yours. And then slap them. Yeah.

No, you got to hit him with just a, hey. Yeah. Hey. I got to name drop. I got to do a movie with Leslie Nielsen, Scary Movie 3. And I was just like, dude, this is Leslie Nielsen. And he was, at this point, pretty senile. And he still walked around with a fart machine, like the little Play-Doh one. And there'd be craft service, like a lady bending over, putting something. He'd walk behind her and make the fart thing and walk away. I'm like, he still got it.

And he would get David Zucker, who did Airplane Naked Gun, wrote Scary Movie 3. He'd be like, hey, hey, Leslie, you remember so and so. And then he would say, nice to meet you. And they'd say, oh, no, we met before. And he'd always say every time, oh, yes. How could I forget? But he said it.

That's such a nice line. Oh, yes. How could I forget? Those are in my algorithm right now. Just Leslie Nielsen. Dude. Just everything he said was so fucking funny. Well, so he told me, David Zucker told me he came into audition for police, not police squad. Whatever the first thing was, it's Frank Drebin. I think it was a TV show first.

Or maybe it was for Naked Gun, but he came in and they had seen him in a movie as a dramatic actor and they said they thought he was so funny because he was doing his serious thing and they thought it was funny. So he came in and auditioned, but he was doing a comedic performance and they weren't laughing. Like, no, no, no, just read it serious like you do in those other movies that we've seen. And they said he just read it deadpan and they're on the floor and they're like, you got the job. Dang.

Because he was just not trying to be funny. He was just committed down the line. Play it straight. It's funny because the writing's funny. And then you could look this up online, too. There's a thing called the Zazz 15 Rules of Comedy. So for all those movies, there's 15 rules of comedy you have to abide by for the comedy to work. One of the rules being if there's a joke going on in the background, like in the back of a police car, if you're getting attacked by bees, you can't do a joke in the foreground because it negates the background.

the joke behind you so they have these rules so i would try to improv and add something that cut no like simon rule seven you did and it's like they had rules that were like the rules of how to do their movies that's how serious they were about the comedy and even like in the delivery of a line like i'd say a line he's like no simon it's dot dot dot then the line like the pause is that important it was like music it was like writing music yeah they're like classical slaps

Yeah, because comedy is kind of musical and delivery and it was just a cool way to work. I was just like, and I remember Kevin Hart was kind of just coming up and we would shit in each other's trailer was our joke, be him and Anthony Anderson and not flush it. So I'd get to work a little early and take a shit in Kevin Hart's trailer and not flush it. And I would just hear him go, oh, damn it, Simon. That was my Kevin Hart impression. Yeah.

And we were shitting each other's trailer, man. And I remember watching Kevin Hart going, this guy's going to make it. Because I remember thinking he knew how to work the room. He was so good at talking to everybody. He was so like, he just, I'm like, I just remember thinking he's going to do more things than this small hole in this movie. Cut to arenas. True that. Yeah. Lil Kev. Lil motherfucking Kev. We should probably switch over. Yeah, let's do it.

Let's switch over to the Patreon. Bye. Simon, you're the man. Yeah, dude. Thank you.