Ep 484 - Bad Boyz 4 Lyfe (feat. Dan Soder)
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Wow. LeMaire. LeMaire directing from his high stool. I thought we were going to have a free LeMaire episode, but he's in his director's chair right now. Sure, he's not on the mic. He's got a little grape soda. Dude, his soda habit is crazy right now. Is it grape soda right now? He always has this type of soda I've never heard of, too. He does. Like from a brand. What is that? I just...

It's a Fitz green grape soda. I wanted to try a new brand. Oh, careful. Don't spill the purple drink. That was so close to just going nuts. That would have been a grape soda bomb. It would have hit the bottom. It would have blown up the top. All right. Well, that's what LeMaire's up to.

We're here live with Danny Sodi's, Danny Sodi's alert. Austin Hang. Yes. Beautiful home. Congratulations on your special. It's very, very good. Thanks, dude. Elite. I appreciate it. Yes. Took me long enough to put something on YouTube. It was my fault. I finally did it. I was like, oh, fuck. This is what happens when you give something that you could share. Yeah. But yeah, it was great. Yeah, I'm going to check it out tonight. I apologize. I've...

I've been remiss. So I haven't made eye contact with you yet? I haven't seen you yet. I'm dead serious. I'm checking out tonight. We got in immediately with Xbox. Yeah, of course. Fusion Frenzy. I mean, obviously. I missed my Xbox. You're going to be fucking fired, dude. I miss my Xbox so much. Do you miss it like a family member? I missed it so much. What were you just playing? I've been gone. No, that's the Xbox. I'm saying I missed it. The hell? That was my first time logging on in over two weeks. What?

Was that the thing you were the most when you got home? Like your bed or your Xbox? Bed was fucking nice. Yeah, true. Bed was nice. Two weeks gone when you come back for your bed? Two weeks in the same hotel in New York. That was... Were you getting cleaned every day? No.

Not towards the end. Yeah. The last five days there. Don't get it cleaned. Yeah. I try to go. I love when you catch the maid in the hallway and you go, don't worry about me. You take a break. You know what? You've got a tough Wednesday. Yeah. Skip 226.

You don't need to worry about all that cum. Yeah, true. There's a lot of it in there. I've been jacking off in this room for two straight weeks. It's just crystal caves. Like homicide detectives. They must have shit that they've seen.

How many of those, how many housekeepers do you think walk into dudes being like, hey, look at their dicks out? Probably, I mean, they walk in on every dude who just thought about it anyway. Yeah. So every dude's thinking about it. So at least 15%, 10%. Yeah, who pulls the trigger on that? One out of 10 guys goes, let's see if this works. I did it as a joke when I was really young. When I was really little, I called up a room service and I was like, you can put it right over there and lay it in my boxers. How little? How little?

I was like, damn. That's so funny. Are you sure? I swear to God. I swear to God. I think about it all the time. It's funny. It's a constant thought in the back of my head. Was it one of those jokes that you were like, I wish I hadn't done this as soon as it happened? Yeah, pretty quickly. My two friends were hiding, so I couldn't bail. So I had to just be like, oh, yeah. I was super nervous. I felt bad. But she's just completely apathetic? Yeah. Oh, dude. Okay. The apathy was crazy. Didn't even smirk. She was just kind of like.

I ordered like apple juice. She just put it down. Nice. Your friends were like, this shit's really bad. That's crazy. A lot of people kill themselves in hotels. That happens a lot. Yeah, my brother was saying his friend's dad used to own a hotel and he was saying like it's constant suicide. More than you think. You don't want to ruin your house.

Yeah. If you're giving your house to somebody, you don't want to be like, oh, yeah, and my uncle who owned the place did himself in in the guest room. They should be able to, like, sue your estate for that. Yeah, like an Uber fee? Like an Uber clean fee? Yeah, they should be like, dude,

I think it's a smoking feast. That's why the smoking feast is so high in case you kill yourself. They are 250, so outended if I were you. He said they flip them real quick too. It's just like boom, in and out. Someone else is sleeping in that bed the next day. Someone's jamming. You're jacking off in a room where a dude just killed himself? In his deathbed. If you killed yourself and you were stuck in the realm, right? Yeah. And then you're just like, oh no, I didn't mean to. I told him it was a tough one to be stuck in. And then you just look over and a guy comes in and he's like,

You got to witness for eternity. All dudes jacking off. You're just stuck at a Radisson. Every once in a while, you get a babe in there, which is nice. But then she doesn't masturbate. She just cries, and then you feel weird. Yeah. I like that, though, too. You go, you know what? Stuck in the realm. You're just Patrick Swayze from Ghost trying to hug her. Oh, it's okay. Just try to change the channel. That's what you're trying to get your power on. You get stuck watching girl TV for eternity. You'd be praying for a guy to jack off. You just have to hear Mario Lopez every day.

Day of Eternity. Yeah, I was waking up to that a lot. It's crazy. Yeah. Who, Pez? Yeah, every hotel has Pez dispensary. Oh, yeah. Hey, guys. Today on Access Hollywood. You know what? I want to become a gas station TV star.

I know somebody that does that. Takeover Gas Station TV. Yo, I saw... Oh, Tank Sinatra. He's like a guy that I know that I follow on Instagram, and he does it. I was pumping gas, and he was on there, and I was like, hey, I know that guy. I kind of popped. I'm not going to lie. Even more than TV. I was like...

I'm freezing. Hey, that's my guy. It's a tight circuit to get on. Dude, very limited. Hey guys, real quick. How do I shut this thing the fuck off? Oh man, you're so loud. I'd rather do gas station than back of cabs. The back of cabs, guys. That seems like it's the lower level. Yeah, true. It'd be nice to meet someone who's doing back of cab TV and meanwhile you're on gas station TV being like,

Yeah, you'll get there. You'll get there someday, dude. I was in the cab circuit for a while. You're asking about guys? Randy's still in there? Yeah. That son of a bitch will make you film anything. He's just trying to talk shop with a cab TV guy. That'd be nice to get into strictly commercial acting. No frills. Back in the day, a lot of commercial actors made money. Yeah. I don't know what it's like now, but I remember when I flowed as Rich. Yeah. But then again, that's your thing. She's just flow now. AT&T girl? Yeah.

AT&T girl. No passion projects. People probably, you could get in like art house films and just be like, get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit. I just do corporate slogans. The saddest one was when Verizon guy. Switch. Switched up on him. That was wild. Yeah, that was bullshit. That was, that was actually like, I didn't like him. Yeah. Like it did, it did the commercial disturbance. Cause I was, you snitch ass bitch. Yeah. You were repping your set hard. Yeah. That's pretty wild.

I wonder why he was so dissatisfied, though. Money. Think they offered him just more? Definitely. They probably offered him a ton of money. Yeah, true. Like, he was before smartphones. Then I would say it would be crazy not to, though.

Because then it's like, no way. I love Variety. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, fucking definitely. Yeah, the thing came out, though, and everyone was like, fuck that guy. That was the reaction. Fucking traitor. Dude. But you wonder if he pulled his family aside. That was a part of American culture. We needed the Variety guy. You wonder if he pulled his wife aside and he goes, listen, I'm going to bring a lot of heat on us. Yeah, there's going to be a lot of heat. But we're going to be okay after this. We can get that farm we want. One last heist. That's what it is. He did it. He goes, one last sellout.

What do you think would happen if he came back? Do you think people would cheer him or just be like, fuck? Like LeBron in Cleveland? Yeah, they'd get him back. He comes back to Verizon. He's getting $100 million a year. I got some unfinished business off of data plans. We'll bring a championship back to Verizon. Please do that. If this gets to him, please switch back up. He probably did, didn't he? He had to come home.

Sprint went out of business? Probably because they paid him so much money. They went and got a big F.A. They went and got a huge free agent. And then he sunk the organization.

if you get a t-mobile phone number now you can get free wi-fi i think on like all the air yeah yeah delta does it does it that's a good one oh yeah it's good by the way it's better than when you pay for it when you pay for it you can't get videos and shit and then t-mobile's like there's some videos up in the air yeah you want to see some sillies like absolutely

I can't handle having videos, Wi-Fi on there. I literally, I just look at Instagram reels for like manically for three straight hours. Psychotically. The feeling after that is one of the worst. I'm just imagining if somebody saw it.

I watch it. Somebody else watched what I was doing. You jump between apps, too? Looking at cats. I frantically switch between apps. Video to video. Keep opening them. Keep over it. Like, fucking crazy. And then I'll put my phone in the pouch. Everybody knows. For like 30 seconds and I'll go. It's not crazy, though. Everybody does that. I watch people. I do it myself. And I'll watch people's phones on flights. And it's like text, quick, Instagram, quick, down. Have you ever taken it off your phone and then gone to do it?

Yeah. That is a scary feeling. Where you, like, delete the app, and then you go to that page, and you go, like...

You're not here anymore. But then you download it again and put it right back. Someone's like, you've got to see this. You're like, yeah, you're right. I've got to download the app. It stays for like three years. Yeah, then you realize all these guys in Silicon Valley, they're like, yeah, we've been doing this to lab rats. Let's do this to people now. They know how to get that dopamine out of your part of your brain by going and like, click, click, there you go. It's got everybody. Yeah, dude, I'm like really...

paying attention to it now where I'm like sitting doing something my brain just like look at your phone yeah it's not necessary right now so check it out or how it's like a little snack we like I was just talking to people phone time my phone so much now I'm really sad it's it's because you just like take it all in and it's like eating fast you're like

Yeah. They say the average person takes in the average or like the data the average person takes in is equivalent to like 174 newspapers per day.

that's what they say in terms of like videos podcasts that's a future stat like if you went back to the 60s and you're like in 2024 everyone's going to read the equivalent of 167 newspapers and they're like wow they must be so smart you're like they're ripped on it yeah they're the dumbest people ever it's frying them yeah yeah because it's all like this guy's mad at this guy it's all goss it's a hot goss dude also cancel culture's turned its evil eye now it's now gay culture

Meek Mill's gay. Shannon Sharp's gay. They're just calling everyone gay. They're calling Shannon Sharp gay? Oh, yeah. Yeah, because he got out in a sweatsuit. He stood up weird. They're like, gay! That really is the reason he just stood up weird. And they're like, why'd you stand up like that, Shannon Sharp, Hall of Fame tight end? I'm going to get some water. Yeah, they caught Meek Mill in some capri pants.

Dude. They got a bunch of damning photos of him. That wasn't my joke, for the record. Somebody cool said that. But by the way, Meek Mill didn't help when he went on Twitter and he did the, I love pussy. Dude, I love pussy. It was the best. He has the I am delivered. He full on hit the fucking I am delivered. I don't like pussy.

I love pussy so much. I love women. I do. I like this new phase of mass psychosis where we're all just doing, instead of like, this guy's a piece of shit, but he's gay. And you have to be like, dude, for the record, I love pussy. You're in your PR team. That's big. This guy loves pussy so much. It's ridiculous. Dude, you had to prepare a sweet, sweet pussy. You had to prepare a pussy statement. He's on the phone with a girl that went to UPenn and she's like, well, usually what's best is we've noticed what trends is. If you just say you love pussy. Yeah.

Dude, there's a video of him backstage at a Sixers game, and he jumps on the trampoline for the halftime trampoline. He does a perfect flip, and everyone's like, this guy's fucking gay. It's crazy. It's an absolute witch hunt. Although, dude, did you read the court document for the Diddy case? No. They call him the Diddly? Diddly? Diddly.

Diddly? P. Diddly? P. Diddly? P. Diddly is a perfect name for him. Yeah, P. Diddly is great. When he shifted from Puff Daddy to Diddy, he should have gone to Diddly. It was the court document. Who did he diddle? There's this music producer, so it's like...

apparently, and you know, forgive me, the footage was kind of grainy. I was reading it in Uber, but he seemed like a chubbier dude. He was like this chubby black dude who he brought in to like produce his album. And the guy, dude, the court document is like 100 pages long. Yeah. And apparently he like submitted all these photos. He was saying like Diddy took his phone and was like taking pictures of stuff. There's like photo evidence of like he sent him a gay porn video.

Allegedly. Everybody does that. All you have to do in court to get that dismissed. That was a goof. You're on his goof, not gay. He's claiming. The goof defense. Yeah. He found, it was like this, he's like, who's your favorite producer? And the guy was like, oh, this guy. And he was like, oh yeah, check this out. This is a video of that guy fucking a white dude. Oh, dude. It's graphic, dude. You see the picture? Dude's got his like face buried in the bed. Like, oh. It's crazy. They did that to us in comedy where you go in and you're like, who do you like? And you're like,

I think Greg Geraldo's pretty cool and they're like here's him sucking two dudes and you go come on man you're just in a studio and they'll be like

Come on, dude. I don't need to see that. I'm trying to create. Dude, he claims Cuba Gooding Jr. Everyone was grabbing his butthole through the whole time. Who's the one complaining? The producer? He's his producer. He's like, dude, Diddy kept groping my anus and telling me it's not that crazy to have sex with a man. That's his. It's all, you know, that's what he said. But he was like constant. He was in the studio and Diddy said it was a slide up on him. That's sweet ass. So funny. Like tickle his butthole. He could just be being funny. I know. I know.

I thought about that the whole time. I've done this to so many people. Because there is nothing funnier. I grabbed all my friend's dicks every day. You're going to catch a Rico case, too. I grabbed everyone's dick. People are going to unite against you. Fuck. You go, hey, Shane, I hate to tell you this. We got about six plaintiffs in Philadelphia that's also linked back to Harrisburg. I've grabbed a bunch of guys. Bro, you're going to get like 10 life sentences for grabbing people's butts.

The idea of him having a serious music producer face, like listening to a beat and then puffed out and coming up and being like, let me see that ass. Scorpion. I got you with that scorpion tail. And you have to keep putting up with it. Yeah. So where it gets fucked up is that he'll do this, fuck with you, and then he'll be like, bro, if you fuck me, I'm going to kill you. He's like, guys, and this is all he said, she said.

But he claims that Diddy sat him down. He said, he said. Diddy told him, he was like, if my mom stood in between what I wanted, I would destroy my own mother. He's like, what the fuck do you think I would do to you? He said he would eat his face.

So I'll eat your fucking face. It was just, and then he would send them into strip clubs. The strip club was called the booby trap. That's great. That's great. You know, where a bad boy had solicited prostitutes for PT. Wait, a bad boy hat? Yeah, it was a bad boy hat. And that would signal to the prostitutes like diddies in town come through. And then like, he would like lead them back to the spot. So he was an Uber Eats driver for pussy. Yeah.

He just showed up in his little hat and he was like, who's my drink for? He was a Pied Piper for bad boys. And then P. Diddy was like, I'd fuck my mother if it meant. He just keeps talking about his mom. We're like, do you have a thing with your mom, dude? You're going to kill and fuck your mom. Why do you keep doing that? Why do you keep bringing her up? Dude, apparently Diddy's also crushing 250 milligram weed edibles all the time.

Dude, I love it. What did he do that was bad? Well, so he has a bad reputation. This is, again, according to all these people, I have no idea. But they said, like, he was a notorious date raper with, like, GHB and fucking all this shit. The guy was claiming that Diddy was giving him GHB. Yeah. And he'd, like, wake up in, like, a weird Diddy orgy, kind of like, aw.

I was like, did he just like fucking ladies and probably touching his butthole for real? It's so funny to come to and just a bunch of side kissings happening. It's crazy. You're like, sleepy? She's like, what are you guys doing? And everyone's like...

Yeah. I'll kill you if you move. Fuck, dude. Finish my album. Remember when you used to sleep over at your friend's house and you had that one friend you didn't know was a psycho and they ran shit like a warden when you got there? We eat dinner and then we do this and you're like, I don't like this rule at all. But then that guy's controlling your career. You're like, I don't want to do that. It was exactly that. 250 milligram medical. You're like, oh, fuck.

Damn. Oh, my God. Yeah, they're doing... It was, like, apparently all of his maids and, like, the people who were staff in his house had to keep, like, fanny patches with, like, GHB, Coke, Molly...

weed gummies and like they keep diddy high at all times and then they were claiming he was just like terrorizing people and then like sexually extorting them and then he didn't pay the guy apparently according to the court document that's where they always just a byline in that document just caught an absolute stray where it's like in a philadelphia rapper who dated nicky mcdive she's like claiming the people did he said he fucked

And it was like he just popped up kind of in the document. Also, all right. So Diddy's claiming he fucked all these people, right? But he's also known to just be walking around on drugs. So you're like, he's probably making some wild claims. Mark Curry came out and was basically saying like they used to go out at the parties and he'd have one. Mr. Cooper. He was literally hanging with Mr. Cooper. And Mr. Cooper. He goes, yeah, I always wanted to hang with Mr. Cooper. Bring him in here. Yeah.

He claimed he kept separate bottles. There's bottles that were just for the girls and everyone knew. Yeah, he roofies all the chicks. And then he has a bottle for the boys.

Man, imagine if you came in hot and grabbed that lady bottle and you're like, what are we doing, dude? Oh, yeah. He goes, I wouldn't do that. You're right in Spider's land. Yeah, you fell into Diddy's trap. Booty trap. It's the booty trap. Booty trap's so funny. Dude, it's like 140 pages of nothing but the craziest shit of like sexual blackmail.

Did he grabbing his butthole constantly, just rubbing his asshole, making him watch K-Port? But then sending him in to get hookers. He might just be the horniest dude ever.

They'd be like, go pick up my hookers now. Yeah, that's a dangerous amount of horn. Yeah. When you're just like all the time you go. Everyone. Can you go pick me up about six or seven hookers real quick? Yeah, dude. Would you mind? I can go for a six pack of hooks. You mind getting some ladies of the night for me and my friend? And then you have to take a 250 milligram edible and lose your mind. And just people are fucking around. Me on 250 milligrams. Christ, dude.

That is a nightmare. Diddy's evil. Dude, that's, again, it's all according to the doc. That's the worst thing ever. It's vicious. When you read, I like gave up. I was like 40 pages into it. I was like, I got to stop. 40 pages. I read so much of that document. You're taking off your reading glasses and rubbing the brisket out of this. You go, I can't. It's too much. Maybe he did kill Biggie Smalls.

You read the documentary. Like, he might have. He sounds like a wild man. Dude. I saw that Joker video and I was like, all right, he's out. He's out to lunch. What was the Joker video? He dressed up like a Joker for Halloween and was like, he really got into it. He really got into it. He got into it too much. If you're around... It was scary to see. If you're around... He was like 50 years old. Yeah. If you're around him, you're like...

He was good at it. He was nasty. He was really good at it. He might be like a nuclear black nerd. Yeah. I think he's like, that's the true secret of how deep his black nerd goes. I think it goes all the way to the ground floor. Remember in Revenge of the Nerds when the guy, it turns out he date rapes her, but he goes...

All nerds think about is sex. After he eats her out, pretending to be her boyfriend. Maybe that's what Diddy is. Maybe he is just a nerd to his core. He's so horned up that now he's got drugs and stuff. True.

I could just have all my nerd boners. Oh, he would have so many nerd boners. He was just growing up with the most vicious boners. Sweaty nerd boners. I made a nerd boner. I got to witness a nerd boner in science class in high school. Oh, man. Kid had to give a presentation. Oh, no. It was one of the best things I've ever seen. Like, it's your turn. He was like, I can't.

And they're like, did you do it or not? And he's like, please don't make me. Oh, no. And the teacher was like, get up here. What are you doing? Are you a boner? Rock hard. Oh, my God. And he was a nerd. He didn't know how to talk. Khakis, dude. It was a Catholic school. He was wearing khakis and a sweater vest. The hardest boner you've ever seen.

And he had like a growth. He was small. He was a small man. Yeah. He was a little tiny guy with a giant cock. He did have a huge boner. It was like a huge boner.

And he stood there and was just like, I'm sorry. And he tried to do the presentation. Did the teacher? Yeah, the teacher noticed. Did she call it? Like, go up. Yeah, she was like, oh, I'm sorry. You can sit down. You can sit down. But he was up there for a minute. We'll see you in about five to seven minutes. He caused some ridicule. That's a nightmare. Like, intimidatingly big boner. In khaki pants and this little tiny guy that was so embarrassed. I'm like, I'm sorry.

There's a moment where that boner's locked in. In front of the class. Where she goes, whatever his name is, she calls him and he's like, nah, this can't be happening. Yeah. Give me a second. I can't go up. Oh my God. Especially if he had talked. He didn't have enough friends to know the talk mouth. What if it breached? What if you talked and it breached? I breached. Oh, dude, you guys have peekabooed? Yeah. Just locked in this monster. Yeah. When you see the underside of the fire helmet. Yeah. Washington and his wig. Insane helmet. Yeah.

Yeah, where you see the split? The penal split. We got our own V. We do. But dude, if you put it under there and it was like,

But if you if dude if you got caught that's what I'm saying that thing would have passed the belly button on that guy Yeah, look at a swim up bar That's crazy yeah Can you track that man because I want to know if he went on to great success or a life of villainy like Diddy true He was such a sweet boy

With a huge hog. Yeah. With a cock of gold. That's probably some angel just milking it now. Being like, it's over. Forget it. It's over. Just get him two-handed hand drives. Be like, don't worry about it. Oh, yeah. Do you double cranks? Forget it. And then making him give presentations so he gets hard. Like, that's his kink now. He's got to go do book reports for her. And he's like, I can't. She goes, stand up. He's like, oh, God.

God, you drive me wild. Dude, I walked into a horror scene on an airplane bathroom. Basically, nothing to do with boners. It's the opposite of a young lady getting her period and

And she didn't lock the door. So I like opened the door. Jesus. And I just hear, ah! And I was like slamming shut. And the stewardess just instinctively just like stared at me like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, he wasn't locked. And she was like, oh, she's like, that's not your fault. Don't worry. So I was like, all right. And I just went back to my seat. I'm like, I'm not going to stand here. Yeah, you can't stand. So I sat back. I didn't fucking pee, too. So I'm going to sit in there in my seat like. And the one guy was like, what was that? I'm like, someone was in there. I was like, you can go if you want. That's funny. That's funny. Go ahead. Dude.

What did you see when you were in there? I didn't know that the person was so young, but I just saw someone hunched over. I've walked in on people in the bathroom before, and it's like, would you rather be walked in on or the person walking in on? I'd rather be the person walking in. Yeah. Than discovered. I would never want to be discovered. Discovered is so embarrassing. You're a prey. You gotta go, oh!

Yeah, dude. Someone's in here. Occupied. Dude, she for real screamed like I had a butcher knife and I was going to kill her. And I didn't know the period stuff was going on. I was just kind of like, I just literally looked and was like, oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Just saw somebody wiping themselves, basically. I didn't even catch any gens or anything. I just know it was a period thing then.

So, dude, so then I finally, it's my, so the dude, I've never, I've never seen. So I'm sitting there like reading a book, like with my peripheral and I see someone just fucking storm out. And it was like, they're in there for like 15 minutes. How bad did you have to pee at this point? Pretty badly. Yeah. But I'm sitting there like, all right, whatever. And all of a sudden storm down the aisle.

I don't even look, but they were thudding like fast walking. Yeah. So then I go in to pee and I'm fucking, there's this huge glob of toilet paper, just blooded dude. And then it's sticking to the side. So I did, I tried to do the favor of the honor of peeing it down. Yeah. Wouldn't budge dude. So I hate the flush. It's not flushing. I go, Oh my God, that's utero lining. Grab it onto those walls. I think it was grabbing on the side of her walls. And now it's, now it's, it thinks it's new home. Is that fucking terrible? Yeah.

Dude, I go out and I tell the lady, I'm like the lady who like saw me get discovered. Basically, I was like, yo, that wasn't me. I was like, I was trying to be discreet, being like, I think she got like her beard in there. It's pretty nasty. It won't flush. Yeah. And I was, she was like, oh, okay. I was just like, you just get misogynistic. You, I don't know how you animals walk around. Fucking we're up in the air. You're lucky there was no sky bears. I don't trust any of you. Frankly, this whole plane could be fucked.

Dude, so I was like, I don't know why, but I was like, so what do you get, like a stick and push it? I was just curious. Do you have a period stick back there? She's like, I'll just pour coffee on it. I was like, oh, brilliant.

So then I get out. That's a toxic ball of piss. Dude, it was. Blood and coffee at this point. It was terrible. It was disgusting. But then a younger girl comes up, a different lady comes up and then goes to the bathroom, comes out loudly and goes, ew, someone got their period in there. And I'm sitting there like, oh my God, this poor fucking lady. Oh no. You hear from back of the body. Ew.

Dude, it was pretty terrible. That's a terrible thing for that girl. It was a horrible experience for this girl. You know about this. I was on Bonfire this week. Speaking of period sticks to push things down, Bobby and his son, do you know this? No. Bobby breaks up his son's giant turds because they're too big. Dude. Dude.

He's a dragon slayers 10 wait hold on his son's 10. Why is the break the poops up? Yes, he I saw photos of these logs Oh my god His son drops logs like a mine that are so big that his dad has to come in after him and break him up with his Cleanup shit stick. He has a cleanup crew. He literally gets done shitting and is like dad get in there and Bobby Kelly gets up and breaks his son's shit and

With a stick? With a fucking stick. So that it could flush? Yes. How fat are the turds? The turds are fucking massive. You see the pigs? Yes.

Bobby showed me a pic. Are they speckled like a corn cob? No, this thing's solid. It's a brick. It's fucking crazy. His son drops full Chipotle burrito size. Like a fucking burrito. It's crazy. But also to be the spotter for it. And that's, I'm like, Bobby, your son has to break up his shit. Yeah. You can't, that's the weirdest. That's the fucking weirdest thing I've ever heard. What an old. I know, he dominates his father. He goes, hey, dad.

I just discarded all my old food. Make it flush. What's the stick, though? I don't know what he uses. It'd be funny if it was one of those free hockey sticks they give out or one of those baseball bats on bat day. Yeah, go grab that fucking Sox bat from when we went to Fenway. It'd be nice to be a samurai sword. He just goes... Oh, yeah. He's like, Bushido code. Max, take a dump. I quote you to a book. They...

I could have a Maxi-Dumper. Maxi-Son. Maxi-Son. Maxi-Son. Your Dumper too big for it. Order it. Dude, that's crazy to shit. That kid's not going to know satisfying anything if you're dropping logs that big because you've got to drop a log like that and you're like,

Yeah, that's his baseline. That's crazy. I just, nobody seems to be as upset as me. Yeah, no. You can't. You know what it is? That's the fucking creepiest, weirdest thing ever. You ever, because you know what? And I was serious. Bobby's like, what, dude? You're picturing saying it to Phil.

That's why it's like think of going to a kid's house for a sleepover and him and his dad that is weird tag team shits to flush them. That is weird. He tags his dad in the fucking finish the job. He's 10 now. 10's old enough to slay your own turds. I'm sorry. Past five if you're having dump problems with the piping you get that should be on you the whole time. You should be embarrassed to take that to your father. Yeah. I brought that up as well and Bobby said he was proud of it.

The big turds? Yeah. I get that. And then I saw a picture of the turd and I was like, that is something. Yeah. I get it. Because for a second you're like, what are you, the fucking bear family from the Charmin commercials? Who the fuck's in here fucking talking about pooping as openly as this fucking people? That is, I can't get over how weird that is. Yeah. What's weird is I want to know what the play call is. I want to know if he's like, dad, poop. Or if he goes like, break it up.

We got a breaker. We got a beached whale. It looks like a beached whale. Dude, it lays on the bowl. Dude, it's a massive turd. You're telling me most of his turds breach?

single log breach it's laying down it's a beach well it's laying just flashing you from his phone he showed me it i can probably i can i gotta see it try to get him to send you a picture but he talked about this publicly yeah for sure if it was cleared on the month i get where he's coming coming from breaking them up and like you know once they're 10 you gotta hand it's gotta be like a ceremony where you knight them with the shit stick yeah

You break your turds now. It's changing of the guards. He called me and I didn't call him back. He's going to be mad at me. Make it with that fucking asshole. He's like, dude, I'm not going to break it. Look at his fucking picture now. He's got a skinny ass face. Hot Bobby. Damn. Don't worry. Yeah, I just want to see the turd. This is just for my own personal satisfaction. Yeah. Hey, you're on our podcast right now.

Um, it's great. I'm literally in the middle of taking a dump. They were telling me, Shane was telling me a story that he went on bonfire and that you break up Max's giant turds. Yeah, dude. Well, it's a, you know, as you guys, none of you guys know this, but when you have a kid, this Matt has kids. Well, you try to teach him how to ride a bike. You teach him how to throw a ball. He's 10. Yeah.

Hang on now. Let me, let me, let me get. Also, I'm sorry. You got to send a, you got to send a photo of one of these. Cause I've been describing how fucking huge these turds are. Well, it's, it's the size of a Vente Starbucks ice coffee. Now the problem is, is that, you know, he's at that age where it's like, okay, time,

You never know when that thing is where it's like, all right, time to let you tie your own shoes. I think double digits is it? Well, double digits, it's like between, is it teen or is it double digits? You got to stop. You got to stop. Yeah. Now, today, you have to stop today. It has to be done. Shane, listen, that was a moment on the other day.

And when you said, it's time, I took that home to the family. Dude, I love that you had a poop breakup meeting. Family meeting. Guys, we got to talk about breaking up Max's baby arm turds. Well, I think... But here's the problem, right? We got to find a way to make the poop smaller. You can't change what it is, dude. The kid throws heat. I think there's a way...

That he'll grow like he'll poop more like in the morning and maybe in the afternoon. Oh, you're saying cut it into two sessions I'm saying there's a way to make it smaller. I think the reason why it's so big you might hold it for a day Oh, he's charging him up That's so funny. Yeah, you can see his poops. You gotta...

Don't break up. Don't break up. You got to let him keep shitting like that. It is extraordinary. He's got the kid has something special. Yeah, but you can't you got to let it go. It's his project now. You can't keep getting involved. You're Joe Jackson and your son shit. I did say to him the other day. I go listen, bro. You have to start doing this yourself. This is your this is your thing. You're a big boy now. You know, you want responsibility. You want to go take your bike around the neighborhood by yourself.

You're going to have to start cutting your own poop. This sounds like something that farmers say about their dads where they go, you're at the age where my father told me I had to cut my own turd. Ten. He's ten, dude. Also, aren't you concerned that your wife cheated on you with a grizzly bear? That you have to break up his poops?

It's 100% a Weatherby shit thing. Kelly's have perfect poops. I mean, I wake up, sip a coffee, take a shit. I take an afternoon poop. I'm good. The fact that this might have resulted in an argument between Bobby and Don where he goes, shit family. They got giant assholes. I gave him a bum chin and she gave him huge shits. So...

Well, Bobby, could you... But I want to say this. The other day, I came home yesterday. He's still shitting. The other day, I came home yesterday, and his poop, I think he cut his own poop. What? I think he did. He just comes out with his hands covered in shit. He goes, I don't know how to do it. I forgot how you taught me. I was just mushing. I was whack-a-mole-ing it. He grabbed it like a trout. Yeah. All right, Bob. I think he did it. You can never do it again. Please. Please.

I agree with you. Look, it's hard for me as a dad to take advice from somebody who isn't a dad. Shut up. It's just common sense. Honestly, I can't believe you're talking about it publicly. It's crazy.

Well, if I didn't talk about publicly, I probably would have just kept cutting it until he was 18. Oh my God. And then he's 17 and he has to borrow your car out when you're cutting his shit. Oh, he's with his wife on their first date. Honey, can you come here and help me with this? And she has to come in and cut his shit with a coat hanger. It would be a nightmare. What's the stick? What stick do you use?

I use a, I, I, I, I save metal coat hangers and I make them. Oh, you're like aborting them. Yeah. You're giving back alley abortions to your son's shit. I've developed a certain way where you can make it into a shit knife. You pick them up in the middle and let them break in half. How do you do that? I want you to patent that design. Shark tank that bad boy. Are you cutting your kids shits too late in life?

I'm telling you, if you bend the coat hanger and you use the little hook, you bend that back and that's the knife part. The other part is a nice handle and you get a nice cut. You get a clean cut. This is... Sounds satisfying. Can you please send a pic? Yeah, can you send a pic, please? I'll send you... I'll send you probably the last one. Oh, that grows up. Put it in the scrapbook. It grows that you, like, you seem sentimental about this. Yeah, it really does feel like it's going to end up in a scrapbook. Look at that.

I have a weak stomach. It's one of my things in life where it's like, I hate this. So I'm glad that I finally brought up this. It should have never been a thing in your life. I mean, I love you and I care about you. And that's why this is like, this is fucked up. It's not that crazy. It's crazy. What are you talking about? It's not that crazy, but it has to stop. It's not that crazy. It's not that crazy. Some people have these big poops. He's fucking 10. 10 is, yeah.

I understand if he was six. He knows multiplication. Yeah. True. He does know multiplication, but listen. He's got his tables going. You cut your own poop. What is that, fifth grade? Sixth grade? Yeah. That's fifth grade. Fucked up. Yeah, but I think it's over. I think we're good. You've got to stop. I taught him how to use the bidet, so...

It's a wrap. I think the shit problem in the Kelly house has come to a conclusion. The war is over. Brother, there was three poltergeists. I would make sure everything is worked out. I think the war is over, dude. I'm going to go home. All right. Well, send that pic. Goodbye. Please send that picture. I will send it right now. All right. Yes. Thank you. You're the man.

Oh, man. I can't believe you guys aren't outraged by this. It's not outrageous. I do get, because it is hard to cut off a line. I find it absolutely disgusting. And I think... It's so strange. Can you imagine your dad cutting your shit? No, he wouldn't have done it. But I'm saying I get it, though. Fatherhood's different now. You're way more sensitive, so you have to be like, it's okay, your shit's so huge, son. It's probably like fishing.

Where you're just probably doing it together. You're just fucking sitting by. You're moving together? Fly fishing waders on. You're like, come here, son. Let me show you how to hook this turd. No. Absolutely not. Where's shame? Where's like the, like, I can't let my dad know I have these monster dumps.

Yeah, but I would be proud to show off a huge turd like that. That's kind of like prideful to beg. You know what? You're absolutely correct. Especially starting on your old man. That's like being stronger than your dad. I forgot how I feel. I really got more concerned with the opinion than the feeling I have in that situation. Because when I have one breach, I do want someone to see it. Yeah.

it is it's like dunking alone yes true it's great it's like slam dunking alone and you go like well that was for nobody what the hell a preacher is nice and a photo of the turd would be great true it's a funny photo it's calling your father when you see the size of this turd and you realize it's coming from a 10 year old boy it's so I won't be able to sleep until I see this thing I know but I'm waiting for it to drop how could you can't

Can't have your dad do it. Sure, you're not wrong. I'm not going to. All right, I'll stop. You're not wrong. I'm not saying anything different other than it's fucking insane. It has to stop. You're right about that. I see how it could get to that point and you're just not thinking about it. Dude, the call out to your dad. Dad. Yeah. I had a big one. Done it again. He's like under the sink. He's like, what's up, Max? He goes, I had a big one. Remember how we ate protein for lunch? That's the other thing. He said he was giving Max like fucking protein.

Ten-year-olds don't need protein. Yeah, he's hit them with, like, protein bars and shit. He's jacking them up. Going upstairs and dropping fucking loads. That will, yeah. Yes.

yeah well you do your old try to process adult protein oh he's just like oh well when you have kids you don't like you're naked around them as babies and then like you don't there's not like a smooth cut off of when you can't be naked around them anymore until at one point they're just go they like just stare at your dick and you're like yeah that's so funny get out of here you pervert get out of here you small pervert

Ew, why are you doing that? Or you hold them while you pee. You'll be in a situation like, I gotta pee and I'm holding you. And then they'll get to the height where they can just kick you in the dick while you're peeing. And you're like, don't. Why? Yeah, I remember being the kid when that happens. Yeah. You're in the shower with like your dad. That you hope to go. And you're like...

Monster dick. Yeah. When you see your dad's dong and you go like mine was worse. Mine was like a little more white trash because we'd sleep on a pullout couch together in San Francisco, my grandma's apartment. And he would, I'd be full jammied up on one side of the bed, but he was just an alcoholic that I didn't wear underwear. So you just get naked and crawl into bed and you're like, all right, all right.

And I didn't live with my dad, so I'd only see him, and I'm like, dude, all right. That's enough of this. This is crazy. You don't think anything about it, though, because it's just like an afterthought. But he wasn't, like, molesting me. No, no, no. He was just going to alcoholic sleep. Oh, dude. I'd be in bed, like, three hours before him. You'd just get in bed naked. You'd hear his OP corduroy shorts clanging on him. On a pull-out couch mattress. He would take it off and put it on, like, the bookcase, and then just be like...

Yeah.

It's so fucking funny. My Dick Tracy pajamas. My full Dick Tracy pajamas. I had Dick Tracy underwear. I had the full blue Dick Tracy with the logo on it. Where is it, Bobby? There is it. Come on, Bobby, dude. Don't. Yeah, my brother used to sleep naked and we shared a room and he would just like, by the end of the day, when the morning time, the blanket would be off and you'd just see like his naked ass. Oh my God. That's so funny. Oh my God.

some big red bush yeah yeah okama and abuser have been hit with it i sleep naked and early on the road we'd share hotel rooms yeah these are the blankets i got you with the best one dude the best ones we went to dc we got there early and shane was like we're split a hotel room and shane's like naked nap time and he got naked and took a nap and then we were like getting ready for the show did he did he is your comedy did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he did he

You freak off. Fuck. I didn't know it was something you'd get in trouble for. I had to wear an MSSP hat and go retrieve hookers even though I was headlining. Shane knows how you want to hooker. Robert Kelly accidentally sent it to Dane Cook. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. He sent a picture of his son's turn to Dane Cook.

Which Dane has no idea. Dane just thinks he got a picture of his shit. Was his phone in rhyming order? How did he do that? And he probably went like this. Boop, boop. Hey, Siri. Oh, no, no, no, no. It's definitely Dane. It's Dane. He said Dane. He meant Dane. Oh, here it is. Oh, fuck. That's funny. God damn, dude. That's so funny. That was fun to think about for a second. I wish it was. Yo. You taking a look at that turd? What are you working with?

That is a turd. Let me see that turd. I mean, that is... For a 10-year-old boy? Yo! That's crazy. That's like a 40-year-old on the vegan diet turd. That would make me on a carnivore diet. Are you eating a steak? Oh, doesn't it give you diarrhea if you do carnivores? Carnivore gives you Hershey Kiss turds. Yeah.

Hershey. Damn, I really wanted that to be Dane Cook. That would have been awesome. There's three. It's very funny. He responded with, there's three inches that are down the tube, too. I can't see for a second. I totally noticed that. I totally noticed that. Dude, he iceberged me. He goes, what you see is actually not the biggest part.

And he knows. He cuts them. Oh my God, dude. This guy's like crazy. This guy's like a surveyor. He's got like a divining rod for shit. I feel like we shouldn't even be talking about it. I think it's going to fuck people. It's not that embarrassing. It's not that embarrassing. It's not crazy.

It's not that crazy. You're doing gross shit. You're taking their temperature in their butthole. He's 10. I know. We're talking about him like he's five. You know what? 10 is so fucking old. Shane brings up a good point. Dude, he brings up a good point. I got like head...

Bobby brought up on the race. You can't be a year away from your dad breaking up your shit to head. True. You need three years. He needs to not get, he needs to like take a vow to not get pussy for a while. I think this will do it. I mean, this is going to lock that. That's going to ruin it forever. Yeah. If I was 10 years old, dude, imagine in five years, if he grows up and then he goes, wait, hold up.

the number one podcast talked about my dad breaking up my boots and it's just out in space and you're like he did it first for the record he did it first i it's not that i don't think i mean now that you've got kids or whatever and like a lot of our friends have kids i think about like this generation of podcasting didn't realize that what we were using for stories and stuff are gonna be people growing up and being like

Did you hear episode 432 of the bonfire? Yeah, that's me. I was the one flicking my dick in the pool. And you're like, oh shit, they said your full name. I just heard it. I was, but yeah, the DC, I hit him with a nice diddy. Oh yeah. I hit him with a diddler. Well, here's what happens. He was taunting me.

Because he got up and he had a towel in front of him and he was going like this. He's going, I'm naked. But he didn't realize he pulled it up too high. So his dick was just hanging out under it. So it looked like he was just taunting me. It looked like he was trying to hold it. Just the reddest balls and wieners you've ever seen. Just the most fucking Irish blooded dick. And he's like,

It was pink from the shower. When he realized it, he was like, oh, no. Was this the first time you guys shared a room together? One of them. It was close. It was one of them. I was taking naked naps every night. Dude, he let us be naked. Or I'd go, Shane, we're... Because my thing's snoring. I'd be like, do you snore? He's like, yeah, I snore sometimes. I'm like, all right. And then we'd go, I also take naked naps. We also sleep naked. And then he peeled off and got in, and he would just go like this.

Like excited. Hotel kicking the bed is nice. It is a good way to handle like the awkwardness of sharing an adult chair in a hotel room. Just getting, he's showing him your dick right off the bat. It immediately absolves all the tension. Being a silly boy, break up his turd, you know?

Otherwise, there'd be that unspeakable sexual tension the entire time. There's a lot of sexual tension. This is why Greece's economy's never recovered. Because there's just unquestionable sexual tension between all the men. My favorite hotel moment with that was I was sleeping in the middle of the night. Me and Beezer were sharing a room. And I just laid on my side. And he was also facing the same. And I woke up to him staring at me.

We're laying face to face. And he was like, yeah. I was like, dude, get the fuck out of here. What the fuck was he doing? He was just up? He's the bees, dude. He's just watching you. He goes, yeah. I was like, all right, dude. I didn't roll over to the other side. Bees are just going, yeah, you look like you were rimming hard. That guy was hitting the funniest fucking snores. Bees are his number one snore. I couldn't imagine. It was every night. It was so funny. Does he go high pitch?

I can't even describe how. It's not like a... I'm trying to think of the worst one. Tim Dillon was a pretty big snorer.

Bobby, I think I split a hotel room with one time. He was big. But, dude, we were on a camping trip and this comic Mike Suarez was there with like everyone. And it was... Did you snore? Dude, it made me angry. I got a good naked. I held it against him the next day. The next day he was talking, Mike Suarez, he would talk and I'd be like...

What? Like jailhouse big in a moment. You ruined my sleep last night. Because it was like, it would go quiet and you'd be like, oh, cool. And then it'd go. Oh. Oh. Yeah, that's. And it's the downtime that kills you. When you think you're done. Because my dad would snore in that fucking bed and I'd hit him. I'd be like, dad. And he'd go. Yeah. I did it. Yeah.

The wake-up snore? God damn it, what is it? I'll fucking kill you, dude. I hate it so much. My mom...

My mom just deals, dude. My dad snores to the point where you can hear it from like two bedrooms down. My mom just fuck, dude, for fucking 35 years or whatever generation, just rocks it out. She'll be like, Kev. And then he'll be like, it's the exact thing. They sleep on different couches. Connor in a hotel room. Oh my God, it looks like he came back in time. What the fuck? It looks like I'm diddler again. Oh my God, dude.

Dude. Oh, my God. 4.31 a.m. I'm going to start calling you S.Gilly. Bro. I mean, he looks like a Terminator movie. He does. Like when they come back in time. He's like laying there with his butt. He's just primarily butt. Back to the hotel room. You open the door. It's just O'Connor ass naked on one of the beds. On top of the blanket. It's crazy. It's crazy.

Beezer's putting a case together against you. Beezer's gonna get me. Yeah, it was non-stop. Non-stop harassment. Dude, I'm doing it. Dude, I'm doing it. Dude, all the cases are coming together. A lawyer's gonna approach me and go like, ah, that DC thing, whatever. Yeah, he showed me his dick. It was fine. Yeah, whatever. It was fine. They go, you know, there is money. It's like Camp Lejeune. You know, there's money in the settlement for you. And you go...

Well, I am working a funny bone. It was uncomfortable. I did think it was a boisterous move. You liked it. They go, a certain comedian from New York who's married to Katie Nolan. I love pussy. I love pussy so much. I'm here to show me my pussy. I'm Meek Mill.

It's that sweet, sweet pussy for me. Oh my God. I'm sorry. I dip all my food in pussy. How many times? I got you naked a couple times. Oh yeah? Big time.

You've got me, right? Have you seen me? I'm pretty sure, yeah. I have to have shown you. I'm pretty sure. If you catch me naked, we had our rooms are directly across the hall. Yeah, there's a lot of nudity there. Yeah. If you catch me naked, you're catching me naked like Sasquatch. I need to see that. I need to see that. Vecchione has only seen me for 10 years. I've never seen you naked. Vecchione caught me side. Side dog. It is crazy. It's such a deep secret, your nudity. Like,

Like, everyone's nudity is a absolutely... Women don't give a shit. I had a dream last night about two naked women walking around, and I swear to God, I was like... There was a naked lady in one room going to a naked lady in the other room, and I'm like, I wonder if she'll be cool with this lady being naked. Woke up hard as a fucking rock. It was crazy. Yeah.

This morning in the air something's going on there must be double cup hard as a fucking nail this morning I

This morning I woke up but it was a pee boner so I'm not gonna lie to you guys. It still counts. Pee boners are still nice. You can jack off through a pee boner. Here's what no one talks about with a pee boner.

it's still a boner so you're right it rubs up against it so you're in the sheets rubbing and you're like do i get a boner and then you wake up and you go oh just a p-based

My penis is filled with pee. That's why it's hard. Just because my wiener is filled with piss. It has nothing to do with my desire. It doesn't bring me any presents. I've been waking up recently being like, what is this? Fucking 11th grade? Yeah, dude. Do you get after it? Do you get after it with your fucking sweet boo thing? No, because sometimes she'll have gone to sleep like three hours before and I know how hard it is for her to go to sleep. Hey, wake me, Dan. Wake up. Hey, baby. Hey, baby. Hey, baby.

Hey, baby. You have like four of them. Hey, baby. Never mind.

Well, now, damn, I was going to make more sexual jokes, but I feel like I'm the goddamn P. Diddler. You are, dude. Because I was just going to be like, I'm not P. Diddler, but on paper, I'm the Diddler. Dude, listen, I got one more night of staying at Shangri-La, so I got to play the rules. I'm coming out there. True. I'm going to lock the door tonight. I'm going to call Katie, and she's like, you got to sleep. You got a long day of traveling. I go, I can't.

So you take it off. Yeah.

Just a full glimpse of butthole you got to show him butthole just completely buttholes too much I Come home America's a Shane wants to see you in the room. They're coming to quietly Locks that door Will Smith pool house like dude don't come get me Oh

He's ready. He installs a motion light. So he sees the light turn on. He's like. It'd be nice too if he went through the pool for no reason to get him to swim. I'll come up out of the water. The steps are right at his door. Yeah.

Gator time. Oh, here comes the sex gator. I had a dream about crocodiles last night, too. Did you get a boner? No, it was before the Naked Ladies. I had to grab a stone. My dad was like, go get a big stone. I went to get it, and the pond was full of crocodiles, so I couldn't get it. They started chasing me, got on the fence, and realized I had little rocks on me I could throw at the crocodiles that they were afraid of. You remember all that? Yeah. He always talks about his dreams. He remembers his dreams.

- You remember all that. - I had a dream recall, yeah. - I remember when you said it, it was like, yeah, that's a dream thought. Where you go, oh, these rocks scare him. Like, you know that. - Dude, he was crazy. - It would be so incredible if you've been lying every single time. - I swear to God, dude. - No, I believe you 100%. - Just on his way to the podcast going like, got it. - I think I got a good dream I can make up. - Got another one. - Crocodile rocks. I'm gonna do crocodile rocks. - I'm gonna bring him back. - I'm gonna bring back crocodile rocks. I did it on Billy, I didn't do it on Shane. I had to keep him tabbed. - He killed him. - I had to keep him whatever I said.

No, no, no. You've done crocodile rocks before. Oh, I had that dream again. To reoccurring. To reoccurring. You just immediately pivot to reoccurring. I only get tornadoes reoccurring. Do you really? Tornadoes, yeah. Constantly. I get constantly having to wait tables again.

Really? Yeah, football too. Like high school football. I get high school football, but maybe a chance to win. I get like, do you want to come back and play? You sucked, but now you're an adult. Yeah, it's also kind of the same thing. And then usually midway through the dream, I'm like, I'm 36. Yeah.

Yeah, mine. Why am I doing the waiting tables when I always get is they're like hey you're on like you're late and you're like I don't I've worked here in 12 years ago. You got a full section and then you look and it's like I know half the restaurant but this new half I've never seen before and then I wake up and I'm like thank fucking god. Yeah Yeah, stand up. I get stand-up dreams. I get stand-up where I can't remember the set or I ran the light by three hours.

I'll get off stage and people are like, what the fuck was that? What do you stand up? I don't remember my set. I usually don't remember my set. And then the last time, the last one I had was like, the audience was split behind two doors and one door. Like they weren't looking at me at all. And the other door were looking, but I couldn't like, it was brutal. They kept opening and shutting. And I was like,

Anyway, and I'll like stall and try to riff and it's the worst shit every time. - Dude, I have lose momentum nightmares about standup, but it'll be like Chris Rock and Jon Stewart are like, they came by to watch your set and then I don't remember my jokes. And then I feel the momentum in the room leave and I feel everyone leave and I go like, well, hold up, I'm not done yet. It's a bomb, you're just bombing in front of your heroes.

Oh, it sucks. And then you wake up and you're mad. You're like, I suck. I bombed. Who opened for me? Who's opening? They stopped. Who set the table? Tim Dillon hit me with one of my favorites. He was talking about

I hope this is funny. He flies private a lot, so he's in a plane, and he said it was hitting insane turbulence. And in the middle of him being like, all right, this is it, I'm dying, he was with Mike Feeney, and he looked over at Feeney, and Feeney was like, I mean, of course they're doing great. They got Trevor Wallace opening for them. He's like...

I'm gonna die listening to another comedian be like fucking Trevor Wallace is killing it I put in I put it at the cellar on Wednesdays I tell her I got the whole day for each fucking crash towards the earth

That is hilarious. Yeah, especially Feeney. Feeney's hilarious for that. That's just perfect. Yeah. Yeah, everybody's doing that in their head at all times. I'm not ditty.

I'm not Diddy. Matt, have I ever diddled you? No. For real? You haven't diddled me. You've never diddled me for real. Here's what it is. You have a basket butt and penis. Yes. Every single day. Every time. Constantly. It's constant. I think you're cloudy with a chance of Diddy. I think so, but I don't touch your penis too often. No. I've been smacked in the penis by you under six times. I don't smack.

Give it a nice grace. Come on, I would never hurt you. No, you never hurt. I'll let you know I'm here. You see where the horse bit me. You know what you do? You finger roll. I don't touch LeMaire's penis. LeMaire, have I touched your penis? I like that he's got state by state. I was a fucking pisser. Josh, I've never touched your penis.

Can't stop. Can't stop. Won't stop. Still time. If we keep hanging out, I'm going to... Jock, that's getting jumped into the gang. When he backhand finger rolls your ween. I thought that's just what guys do. You guys don't do that? They do. You don't touch guys' penises? They do. You're right. Guys do touch guys' penises. Yeah.

They do. And they gooch each other. Yeah. I got gooched in college so many times. Dude, fucking Joe List's Comedy Central Half Hour is one of his bits is about how I credit carded his ass at a burger gig. And he was mad at me. And I was like, he turned around and I went, ah! It's so funny. It's wild when people get angry about it. Yeah, he was in basketball shorts too, so it wasn't declined. Oh, you got in there. I got in there. I got a full finger in between the cheeks. Yeah.

I agree. Some dudes don't fuck around that much. Some dudes get so angry. Particularly minorities. True. This is a white man's game. Oh, white. Fake gay is white. That's white art. Diddy might just be a regular white guy when it comes to the group. Or maybe Diddy got so rich, he started identifying. He morphed into a hunk. Yeah, he started to show off. Like, okay.

That's what happens when you get free time on your hands. You just sit around and go, I'm going to grab this asshole. He's his best friend guy. And he was like, man, I'm going to start grabbing dicks. True. He's like, Biggie ain't here. Because Biggie would have been like, hey, Puff, you can't be grabbing motherfuckers' dicks like that.

He goes, shut up, Biggie. This is funny. He goes, no, that ain't funny, man. That's white guy shit. It is white guy shit. I told you when I found out the hard way. Courtney Reynolds socked me in the dick. Really? Courtney Reynolds. I went over to him. I hit him with the fucker. You see where the horse bit me. I just dodged it lightly and he went in my dick.

What are my favorite early internet videos? I went down. It took me 20 minutes to recover. Did you get a stomachache? Yes. I got punched in the nuts. Do you remember when the kid comes out of the recycling bin in the wolf mask and that black kid just fucking jams him? It's the same thing. Yeah, he got me. He popped up and the kid was like...

It was like, pow! You know the anger that you get when you get hit in the balls? Yeah. Then I had to gain my composure and be like, I deserve that. I touched his dick first. You also have to subtly explain to him. It was during a show.

But I think I invited him, too. I might be diddy. I might be like, yeah, you want to do some time on the show? There ain't no bucket for guys I can grab. Oh, my God. You're up. Fuck. Now I feel like I'm sitting like Biggie. Yo, do you know what I'm saying? It's like my man Shane be saying. Either get your dick out or get the fuck out the house.

Yo, it's like my man, St. Gilles, always be saying, more dicks, more problems. Yo, I feel like I'm really paranoid. Like, he's really gonna come and punch me. DMZ, be like, he's touching guys' dicks.

I didn't realize there's more risk for you. Yeah, the risk is. This is the fun riff for me and Matt for you. You're like, is this coming back to me? Oh, yeah. This is coming back. People magazine. You're a legit wicked up paranoid. I'll take that one. That's funny. Dude, God damn it. Oh, my God. Penis grabbing scandal.

There's no scandal.

You gotta shift this talking about turds real quick. Go back to what Bobby's doing is weird. It means, you know, credit card and fucking. I don't go with the ass that much. No. True. It definitely gets you right into awareness. If you're lost in your thoughts at all and someone grabs your penis really quickly, you're like, wait, what's going on? You're like, all right, I gotta pay attention to what's going on. Nut tap is diabolical. Nut taps are fucked up. That's a mean thing to do. A nut tap, it's like a towel whip.

with the right snap you could do real yeah yeah true dude when i was a bus boy at red robin we would wet the tips of the bus racks and snap yeah this older busser eli was so good at it he could take your skin like oh and like your arm and you'd be like dude what the because it's playful but when it gets where you'd be like and you'd be like oh and he was older and i was like 16 so you're like walking the back and be like

It actually hurt me. Yeah, you're in the dry goods. You're like, hey, Dan, we got a six stop to just left. You go, I'll be right there. I'll be out. I'll be out. That'd be nice, though. It'd be like a 40-year-old busboy in his fucking nail. The guy could, with two towels, dip the edges and fuck on. We would, like, surround him. When the restaurant was closed, we would clean it up. We'd, like, try to bully Eli and he'd...

He's like Darth Maul. Yeah, he's crazy. We saw one and then he pulled out the other one. You know what's kind of nice? I've been thinking about how you can like, you know how vampires glamor people? Like look in your eyes and be like, I will go here. You can do that to young employees anywhere you go.

I was getting ice cream recently. I was getting ice cream recently and they fucked up. They fucked up. They fucked the order up. They fucked you. And like, it forgot Brittany's got like a strawberry ice cream. They're like, no one ever ordered a strawberry ice cream. I just looked at him. I was like, just make one dude.

He was like, okay. And I was like, just make it, dude. Because there's a big... I had to get back in a big line. He's like, well, you'd have to go there. And I was like, dude, do it. Just fucking make it. Just make it, man. Because you know what? You hit like his common sense nerve. Yeah. And he went like...

Yeah. Like, if that man's capable of any empathy, he was just like, yeah, all right, yeah. Like, I would have done that. He thought about it. I'm like, so I'm going to tell her she doesn't have ice cream. I'm like, dude, do it. And he was like, all right, all right, all right. I just made it. I was like, good man. But you have to do the hand wave. I think it was. You should have jet-eyed him. Yeah, just make it. Make the fucking strawberry ice cream. And he goes...

I'll make it. My wife wants to tell my wife she's not getting ice cream. We have 10 people get ice cream. I'll tell her she just can't have it. I'm like, you're right. So funny. I was like, we really make it, dude. If that man was an agent of chaos, he'd go. Yeah. Not my problem. Yeah. If he was like, absolutely not. Absolutely. Your powers don't work here.

Dude, the line was like 15 people deep, too. By then, it would have been... And then she was also like, make sure he got everything. I'm like, dude, it's fine. Relax. And then it turned out, she's like, where's mine? I was like, you got yours? She's like, no, they didn't go to Strawberry. And I looked at him. He's like, there was no Strawberry on the order. And I was like, bro, don't do this to me, brother. I was on the edge of the plank in Shark Infested Water. And I went, brother, have some fucking mercy. He could have just kicked you right off. He could have. But...

But I glamored him. I was like, dude, do it. It was just like a cry for help. I'm like, dude, just make a strawberry fucking ice cream. I want you to make the ice cream. You're going to make the ice cream. He goes, why are you talking like that? Is that a Transylvanian accent?

Trying to glam me. Yeah. I'm telling you, if you're anywhere... That guy tried to be a pirate. Dude, if you're anywhere with younger boys, glam them. It works everywhere. I'm going to start doing it in the vampire voice. Oh, man. Dude, they would...

Le maire. Take your clothes off. Le maire. Roll a blunt. Oh, that's an easy one. I'm going to clam for beginners. You got to do what they're going to do. Bold bumpers, dude. You got to kind of find your own. You got to find your stroke. Tony, clam is nice. Here's what I'm thinking. I think we hit a little fusion frenzy for a second, and then we get into the Patreon. We got time. Can we smoke a pour? We got time. It's 2.30. What time do you have to be done? We're going to go. Like,

Four? Four, four, 15. Yeah. Oh, okay. We don't have time for frenzy. Play some frenzy. Clean the palate. We're going to switch over to Patreon. Make sure you check out Danny Soder's special. It's called On The Road. On The Road on YouTube.

I meant to say YouTube. I wasn't trying to make fun. It's so funny though. It just gets demonetized. From him? From him he did it to me. I gotta look at his dick again now to get back in the algorithm. That dick showing was funny. It was funny and I cherish that moment. Hey, rest easy. You're not Diddy. Just for the bit. You gotta read the thing. If you read the thing, it's heinous. What if Diddy was joking around? Then get him on the

What if he was fucking hilarious? Dude, real quick before we go. My friend worked at Ciroc. She worked at the company that owns Ciroc and she'd take meetings with Diddy. And he came in with his team to have a vodka meeting and they're in a boardroom. And he's like, it's hot in here. And they turned it down cold. And he goes, I'm cold.

and they're like you said it was hot in here he's like bring me a blanket and they brought him a down comforter his team just had a down comforter with him they wrapped it around him in the middle of a meeting he just fell asleep like all the time this is the funniest guy of all time all the time the asio people were going like so we think plum vodka is the next thing he's going

He's just such Rupert Storrs in the middle of a meeting. Fuck. Did he? I don't know, man. I gotta read the whole thing. So far, the stories I'm hearing sounds like he's fucking hilarious. Sounds like we're bad boys for life. He's definitely hilarious.

He's definitely hilarious. Other than the girl bottles is alarming. Again, I was never there. That's just what I'm hearing in the document. I'm not going to say he did that or did it. I have no fucking clue. Here's my question. Do we start with sumo or do we do the race? I think we go right into sumo. Yeah, that's good. The race was, I mean, you can't come off. Yeah, one of us might pass out if we go right into the race. All right. Bye.