Ep 475 - Jucy Snooze (feat. James Donald Forbes McCann)
01:15:49 Share

Oh yeah. Wow. Did I have a dream where we had 11 ads? You might have. I think I had a nightmare recently where they sent us 11 ads and I was like, God damn it, enough of the ads. Two, four hours of non-stop ad reads. Are they ever normal products? Of course they are, dude. You're talking about like fabric of our lives. So it's like a funny new kind of bong or a new marijuana place. Is it ever like a, this is a, I don't know, Nike product?

We're working. I think we had some Morgan and Morgan. Yeah, we had Morgan and Morgan. He's a slip and fall injury lawyer. At one point, I think Visa reached out to us too and wanted us to do a three-minute Visa ad. I would love that. We talked about our journey and how Visa made, specifically Visa, not money itself, made our journey. Yes, Visa was very important. Would you say no to anything? What would you say no to?

I think we said no to Kratom. Kratom. No Kratom. What's Kratom? Kratom is- We said no to CBD? We originally did. Delta-8. We said no to Delta-8. Delta-8. But then they bulldozed us. We have to do Delta-8. I love Delta-8. People love it. Oatheads. Oatheads. Tell me more about this product. I don't know what these things are. So weed's illegal in Australia, right? Yeah.

It's decriminalized. So we just let it happen. Yeah. Nice. So they let it go here. It's basically, it's legal. It's like fully legal in some states.

medically legal then decriminalized but then they did a thing where through i think it's like the 2019 farm bill you can grow cbd which is weed it's just like cbd instead of thc but there's a little bit of thc then through some loophole they allowed you to sell like 0.3 percent of the product in its dry weight to contain thc so you can sell edibles okay with thc in them and be like i got it from a hemp plant it's fucking it's nonsense we've lost the war on marijuana here

It's common. Yeah, it's bad. New York was very smelly. There's a lot of marijuana everywhere. Yeah, New York, it's... On the street, people with little dogs. I've actually started a vigilante group. You don't smell it, really. Eh, you smell it downtown. I think it's, like, illegal here. Totally illegal. Yeah. I kind of like it. Totally illegal. It makes it fun. It makes it fun, and also, it's like, yeah, dude. It's like jacking off at home. It is, dude. You go back to your parents' house, you go, ooh, there's that spark. Yeah.

You have fun when you can get caught. It's the rush. Jacking off alone is... It's very sad. I'll jack off in this empty house and it's...

It's bullshit. It's not his farm. Well, that's where the toys come out. That's where dildo is getting involved. That is where you start to expand. Have you seen Jake the Snake Roberts in the wrestling documentary where he talks about going on the road? No. He's like, you go out on the road, you leave your woman behind, and you got one woman, and then you got two women, and then you got two women with toys, four women with toys. You go home, and you're trying to make love to your wife, and you can't do it anymore.

It's the saddest moment in the documentary. I think that's Jake the Snake Roberts. Damn. His intro music was great. Women with toys is tough. Four women with toys. Four women with toys. I think he's the end of it. Yeah. It's like a fight. It's like Rodney King at that point. He's got four women hitting you with fucking sticks. You have vibrators on each nipple. I'd be fried. I'd come to some net. We all want to be too blue.

Yeah, we're not trying to be blue. If I was getting double-vibed on each nipple, I'm fried. You've been working blue lately. I have been working kind of blue. I want to get clean. Who is that clean man who's blowing up? Yeah, I watched him for the first time last week. He's wonderful. He's excellent. He's absolutely wonderful. Yes, he's a phenomenal man. But he made me rethink my whole dirty act. Yeah, you do need to clean it up. And you're a good Catholic. You should be out here doing dirty stuff.

Yes, it's gotten me into trouble before. I think it's closing doors in the Catholic community. I won't go in too much, but I think I'm not being invited on the speaker's circuit. For the Catholic speaker's circuit? Yeah. That's a little high and mighty for a bunch of fucking pedophiles.

I reckon the Catholics got bad PR and they're a big institution, but I reckon they've raped fewer children than some of the other denominations. Than who? The United States government? Probably. Do you have the Uniting Church here? They're like Methodist, happy-clappy. We love gay people. Apparently, they had the highest rates of child rape in Australia. Really? But no one talks about it because they hate climate change. The Methodists and the Baptists got together and they formed one big rainbow.

everyone's welcome here. That's who's gonna fuck your kids. I'm sorry, we weren't trying to work blue. - No, I like it. - Yeah, no, that's fair. - I think this is exactly how it went last time, where we were like, all right, cut that hole. We're headed down that path. - Sorry, I've been smirking a lot. - That's a fair point. - Yeah. - I mean, they're not gonna try and, if you want to grab a job. - The Catholic Church has one institution that everyone can be like, those are the bad guys. All these other churches are just by themselves, weird pastors fingering kids. - Yeah, true. - Well, our Hillsong got done. Hillsong came out here, I think.

Do you have Hillsong? No, what's that? It was that big Australian mega church that migrated to America. Justin Bieber was a Hillsong guy. Really? But then they got done for unpleasantness. They were molested? Yeah. There were some issues. Jeez Louise. Yeah. What is it? Why that? I don't know. A lot of trust? True. Yeah. You want to go somewhere where people trust you with their kids and they're very tired. And you start talking though. You start taking confession. Yeah. You hear about a cool story from a kid. You go,

You know, slide that thing open. Yeah, and if you're not releasing the pressure valve yourself, it's like, yeah, if you're totally pent up, I guess, yeah, you get kind of, I don't know though. But you wouldn't go for a child. Yeah, I have no faith. People always say this, they're like, the celibacy turns people into pedophiles. No. I don't think not coming would make you go, it's got to be a six-year-old. No, but the celibacy attracts people.

- Gay dudes. - For sure. - Yeah, true. - And I'm not saying gay guys are pedophiles. - No, but being celibate's gay. That's what you're saying? - Yes. - Being celibate is gay. - I imagine it would be, if you were never gonna have a wife, it would be easier to give up not having a wife. It's very nice to have a wife. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It's a good way to be a closeted gay man is to become a priest. - Oh. - I mean, I had to do it. - Arguably the best. - Otherwise, guys, I'd love to be getting pussy with you guys. - Yeah, I'd love to be getting pussy with you. - But I made a covenant with God. - And now you just gotta hang out with the bros. - Yeah. - Yeah, true. - No, it'd be much harder to be celibate as a gay man.

Because all the opportunities are there all the time. True. If you really wanted to not have sex with anybody, a gay man would have the hardest time. I meant celebrate like not marry a woman. Oh, I meant celebrate as in you'd never reject a woman. Yeah, having sex with men doesn't count. Having sex with men does not count. It doesn't take, it's not a body count. It doesn't add to it at all. If someone asks how many people have you sex with, I only include women. I don't count all the men I've had sex with. You didn't watch Maestro. You haven't seen Maestro. It's great.

What's my show? It's Bradley Cooper being Leonard Bernstein. And he's a gay man. Did he get in a little trouble where he tossed him on a nose on that one? He's extremely Jewish. He tossed him on a prosthetic nose. People were like, chill, dude. Chill. Because Cooper doesn't... I'm not coming at it... He's a beautiful man, but he has a decent schnoz on him. He's got a schnoz. He went for enhancement. He got upgrades. He went for Bernstein...

They were like, you're playing a Jewish guy. And he was like, all right. I've been waiting for this moment my whole life. Put on a plague mask. Give me lots of gold rings. And he just hunches over and does that the whole time. Put out a small golden box. He tossed that nose on, dude. Look at that thing. Damn. I mean, dude, if that's what the guy looked like, what's the fuss? Yeah, what did the guy look like? He probably had a schnoz. Yeah, because if they threw on the beak and it was like a tiny nose...

Oh, no. You over-exaggerated. That's a schnoz. That's a fucking schnoz, dude. Coop. Coop's got a bigger head. He's got to be proportional. That's also the angle. They're trying to make him look bad. That other guy had, dude. Bernstein had a schnoz. Coop's does look, something about it looks strong and more prominent, but I don't know. I don't think that's why it was controversial. It's an anti-gay movie.

It's a secretly, it's the first, most anti-gay movie I've ever seen. What happens? So he has sex with men. He's a composer and a conductor. And he falls in love with a woman and he is happy, but he still likes to fuck the men. But he really wants to be serious and a composer and just sit on his own and write. But he loves hot boys in the club too much. And so he just keeps doing that. And then he feels sad that he's not composing and that he's...

having a beautiful time with svelte young men so then what's the resolution of the movie he's a very sad his wife dies he's extremely old and sweaty and he's in a nightclub with a beautiful young black man and dancing together and then it's over he never gets to be a great composer because he was just too busy he was too busy with he was in the club yeah it ends with him

It's like something like pump it up that he's dancing to in the club. Joe Budden? It's something like pump it up. I was thinking about 50 Cent in the club. That's kind of a good way to go.

He looks old and sad. If you're gay and you're in the, if he's an old shitty guy who's with a young, The boys love him. The boys are very happy. He's with a young, hot boy listening to 50 Cent. That fucking rules. No, it's like, uh, in the damn, pump it up. Oh, that song. Whoa. It's not, it's something like that. People like, I don't know, man. It's like, that really was the reason he wasn't a great composer because he was like, he was having sex with his wife.

So when he's with his wife and they're having a family time, then he goes and composes and he comes back and he goes, I've composed. I see. That makes sense. He needs to escape his wife. Yes. So he comes out and writes good composing, you know? But when he's with the boys, he's like, I'm not doing shit, but sucking. Saturday was for the boys. Sucking rules, dude. Saturday was for the hot boys. Yeah.

It's very good. I loved it. I cried. It's a good movie. You cried? I cried. I didn't cry in All Quiet on the Western Front. I did. Yeah. I wept. But I was, it was a mistake to watch that in the afternoon before the show. Yeah. All Quiet on the Western Front. I continue to watch it. I keep watching it. It's good. It's a fucking awesome movie. I enjoy it. It was a good movie. It is a good plot. People were saying it's a gay, like what he was supposed to like have like the gay young boy be the muse for like the best song ever.

The movie was about his life and unfortunately he wasted his life having sex with young boys when he should have been composing. Maybe his wife lost his stability. Reality gets in the way of the woke people telling the story they want to tell. True. They should remake it where he writes a Lady Gaga song and everyone's like, yay, you're our hero. He was having sex with young boys fucking squad hundred his time. Yeah. I mean, it would fill up all your time. And your butt. I think of him as a top. He was a top.

My guess is that he was top or a power bottom. I don't know if that's a term you have. Yeah, we have that here. We have power bottoms here. Do you have a lot of power bottoms in Australia? I see them out and about. They go off backwards. The dynamic twinks, they get out there. I think I have the bear physique. Bear physique? Yeah. So what are bears? Are bears tops or bottoms? What are bears? I never thought about the role they play in terms of the penetrative act.

Because I know there's like bears, seals. What's a seal? Isn't there an otter? I think an otter is like a hairless. I'm technically an otter. It's like a hairless...

Kind of in between. I'm not like a twink, which I think that's not a bad word, right? That's a regular word. Twink's fine. Twink, okay, good. Twink's like one of the skinny little, skinny guys that kind of look like little boys or whatever, but like, and then you have a bear. Then in between a bear and a twink, I'm a seal. You know a twink. You see a twink, you go, whoa. Yeah, you see a twink. But then they become very muscular. Twinks, they can get shredded. They can't shred. That might be an odd one. Lemaire, you got to figure out gay terms. That's your job. No, I mean, what do they mean?

is a Matt like a Jack uh hairless guy appreciate that okay appreciate that the twink the the hairless little skinny boy the Gardini that's got he's a hairy boy yeah what's a tiny hairy man that's just a wop yeah and then don't forget about the pig

There's a sexual pig. Yeah, there's a... In that mix, there's just this pig who will just do anything. So these farmyard animals... Yeah. George Orwell's animal. Saying there's a cumpig truck driver? Yeah. My brother, Billy, was driving trash trucks and there was another truck driver who was telling him how he was a sexual pig.

And like, it's just one of those things where dudes like you'll meet, you'll like pull the truck over, drop a dumpster off, stop at a holiday and then like nine dudes will just blast jizz in your mouth and you'll like hold it in your mouth like a half an hour while you drive a truck. Well, that doesn't sound very nice. They'll just tell you to do anything. They'll tell you what to do. And you have to do anything. I only stayed in a, I stayed in Bordertown once, which is, it's only truckers go there, but the smell of semen in the hotel room was...

I remember it to this day. Nine loads in your mouth. That'd be a bad time to sneeze. I think they'd say, I think him specifically, he would keep it under his armpit. Sneeze in the truck. God damn it. I think what this guy actually did was they'd shoot it into his armpit and he just kept loads in his armpit and just pushed the rig. I hope the robots take that job and that he's a homeless man. That's revolting. What are they going to do? You got to keep them. You got to keep the truckers in the truck and just let them just keep partying.

Like meth. Weird. Like chem sex. No, they'll protest and they'll be gunned down in the street to make an equilibrium. It'll be Canada, but it'll be big and it'll be nastier. There's no way they're going to keep the truckers. Right? The truckers? The technology's there for the trucks to do it on their own now. It's close. I have little coolers around me that drive food around. Yeah. Little robot coolers. I've seen those. You step in front of them, they're like... They're going to get fucking yanked every time. Yeah. I would... Well, here they... Yeah, they could get...

Those things in Philly would be so funny. Yeah. Coolers of like sushi just getting fucking jacked. Just stolen every single time. Use a couple cowboys. Yeehaw. Yeah.

Do you have the delivery robots? Yeah. Do they get taken? No. In my area, they don't get taken or messed with. Do drones come and drop things at your house? I haven't seen that. I haven't seen that yet. This is the future. This is America. True. We have drones everywhere dropping off all types of packages. We had two robots at our hospital. It was the most expensive building in the world. It was top three. No, it wasn't. No, it was. It was a big blast. Most expensive building in the world. It was in fucking Australia. It was the third most expensive building in the world. It was a hospital. Yeah.

and they they did it with animated i know we're very unhappy about it but they built like robots that would move around and help people and then immediately one of the robots uh i think fell down an elevator shaft and was destroyed oh no like someone stole the robot but yeah it was the third adelaide where i'm from had two of the top 10 most expensive buildings what were the robots there to do there's a lot of corruption i think going into it it's true are you looking it up look up the maya center and look up the adelaide hospital what were the robots according to our research

Yeah, true. We got to check this out. American Research at its finest. What were the names of the buildings again? The Adelaide Hospital, Royal Adelaide Hospital, the new Royal Adelaide Hospital, and the Meyer Center, which was so expensive it caused our state bank to collapse. And then no one built a new building in Adelaide for another 15 years afterwards. Oh, it's the M-A-Y-A Center? M-Y-E-R. Oh, Meyer Center. It's like a department store, but it has a big gap in the middle. So it was meant to be, you can walk around and there was a roller coaster on the inside.

I wish they shut down because a lot of people were using it for suicide. You guys try to have the mall of Australia. The mall of Australia. We have like a... We have a mall of America. Dude, we have so many indoor fucking roller coasters and malls that we can't even... This is crazy. Yeah. I hate it. Why? What are you talking about, dude? Nothing in Adelaide is... Boys, hit them with the stats. Come on, man. Look at this. La Mise is on your ass. You have it, right? La Mise? The My Center cost like a billion dollars in 91. Jesus. When a billion dollars meant something. It goes like Burj Khalifa, something else.

Adelaide Hospital. It's the most expensive in Australia. No, it's... I'm telling you. Don't you talk down on my home. Dude, I don't know. I'm just... We're looking at the... We're talking USD here. Yeah, true. We're not talking made up Australia money. We're not talking McDonald's money. $2.4 billion.

That's nothing, dude. We pissed that. That's literally every NFL stadium. Look at how much Cowboys Stadium costs. Architecture design, new Royal Adelaide Hospital named third most expensive building in the world. What website is this? I don't know. RetardAustralia.com? The Rams Stadium costs $5.94 billion. $9.5. $9.5 billion. But that's more recently. Next!

I'm actually frankly kind of embarrassed. Look how excited they are. It's like two stories and there's a helicopter. They're like, we've got a fucking helicopter that lands on it. Third most expensive building in the world. We weren't happy that it was the third most expensive building in the world. It was an accident. True. They were going to have no waiting rooms. It was going to be so good you just went in and got adopted. There's so many more. That's crazy. No. Architecture Design said it was true. They fucked up. It's a small building.

It's a medium-sized hospital. And they had two robots in there? Now one robot, yeah. What were the robots doing? Carrying people's food around on trails. Oh my God, man. You got to see these buildings.

Hey, you don't respect that hospital. This hospital is bullshit. Gold Coast University Hospital thinks an eyesore. You can only dream of going to the Gold Coast University Hospital. Fiona Stanley, dude. Jesus Christ, man. Blech. I don't know what the hell that is. What that sphere cost in Vegas. Fire it up. Dude, sphere is number one. I was looking into spheres yesterday. Ram Stadium, sphere. We don't need fucking hospitals. Yeah, dude. Ours are fine.

I think one of them closed down. The sphere is $2.3 billion. The sphere? I knew the sphere. I knew the sphere. That's just something fun we have. Have you been to the sphere? I love it. I've been there. I've seen it. I haven't gone inside. I haven't at all. I didn't know it existed literally until yesterday. It's awesome. It's pretty tight. It's pretty cool to see. Spherical design is awesome. I was there when the NBA was there, the summer league. So the whole thing was just a giant basketball. It was very fun to see.

Is it a stadium on the inside? Yeah. Apparently it's like a life-changing event. I imagine it would be the worst space for comedy imaginable. The sphere? Most likely. Just the laugh going. Yeah, true. A kilometer up. I do think we're supposed to live in spherical. I think if we all lived in spherical buildings, we'd be much happier. Have you been watching the Kanye breakdown video? No, but I... Oh, that was right before the Jewish one. It was, we must all live in spheres. He was drawing circles.

and saying we all live in a circle. He's right. Spud was on that, wasn't he? Yeah. Doesn't Spud want to build a house with no angles? I think so. It sounds like something he'd want to build. Something like that. What are those things called? There's a certain type of sphere. I was...

Yeah, I was trying to think. Oh, Biosphere? Terrarium. No, is it Terrarium? God damn, Lameezy's sharp today. Lameezy's sharp. Did you smoke a blunt this morning? I knew it, dude. He came in and we were watching Jeopardy. Lemaire. He dominated. Dominated. Yeah, he's... Dude, Tony. I literally paused it and I was like, are you watching this? You watched this yesterday. He got sabbatical. I didn't even think he knew. Yeah, man. Couldn't believe it. He was in my study, dude, for fucking months. Yeah.

There was a TV show column. I plowed through it. He plowed through it, dude. Fuck. But yeah, Archie did. I was upset you didn't like University Challenge.

That was difficult for me. He put on... It's the greatest television show. It's like British Jeopardy for geniuses from Oxford and Cambridge. I couldn't even understand the question.

How did you like it? That's my favorite show. Are you now on any of them? I watch it with my wife. It is. I understand why you like it. You were right. It is soothing to see autistic British guys. And then when you get one that they don't get, you feel better than someone who's defined their whole life on being really smart. True. Yeah. And he was turning off. Yeah, I knew I was smart. And the host is very judgmental. He had to retire. He is a dickhead. Did you ever watch the Russell Brand interview where the guy's going, what about voting? Don't you? Oh, that was a big... Russell Brand was anti-voting. Yeah. And he ruled Russell Brand. Yeah.

Back when that seemed like the worst interview Russell Brand would have to give. He got into some hot water, but I think he got right out of it. Russell Brand. He fucked Hermione. Did he? Not the actor. He fucked the character Hermione from Harry Potter. She was using her time turner to get out of class. And she fucked Russell Brand.

The British show is... It was all British knowledge, though, which is very annoying. Yeah, it's... It's all like, which monarch executed the Archduke of Kent in Canterbury? Yeah. Yeah, you don't... I didn't know you didn't know about... We don't know anything about all your fucking... It's great. English Civil Wars is great. That's funny. I was reading about that recently. What's that? Some guy in Canterbury killed this religious guy. One of the kings or something killed this guy. There was... Murder in the cathedral was...

Yes. T.S. Eliot wrote a poem about it. A play. It's great. Canterbury is fucking... I thought it was such a sweet place. It's soaked in blood. I always thought Canterbury was just guys trotting around like... Yeah. It is. They went and murdered a guy. That's their... Their Pope is the Archbishop of Canterbury. Yeah. Although they don't call it that. Just went and fucking iced them in a cathedral and they tried to

They would like save people's bones. That was still a huge win. Like, yo, we got a piece of his bone. Like, yo, let's go. I think they had to like grind his bones up and like turn him to dust. We still do that. What's that?

Take saints bones and grind them up and hand them out. Every Catholic church has a saint, something from a saint underneath the whole thing. It's like a little bit of knuckle. Yeah, but no one cares about the relics anymore. I care about the relics. Relics were a big deal back in the day. That was like, you got a little piece of something. It was like, yo, let's go. We learned about relics in school and then Age of Empires came out.

And one of the ways you can win in Age of Empires is to collect relics. Really? I was very excited about it. That is pretty tight. I've been a big fan of relics ever since. Did you ever play Civilization? I have. Civ V, I went back to over Christmas, and I spent Christmas Day silently in a room in my mother-in-law's house just playing Civ V and helping the Jewish-Japanese Empire take over the world. Ooh, Jewish-Japanese. We ran into...

I don't know, one of the big guys with a sword from the steppe just dominated us. But I like to be the Japanese. It's the most honorable of all the empires. Yeah, I like that. How did you link up with the... So, did you link up with Israel or just like... Oh, you get to pick your religion. You can choose your religion, yes. Oh, that's kind of cool. So, you did the Jewish... You did like Shinto, Jewish... Christianity was taken and I thought... I didn't want to be Tengri-ism because I don't fuck with that. Yeah, I heard that. What is it? Tengri...

It's got a T and a G. Tangentism. It's like Zoroastrianism or something. Tangentism. Tangry. It's only in Civ V. I don't know. I think they made it. It's not a real religion. Sid Meier's just invented it. That's a great guy. I lost a lot of time. What do you say to all the Satanists out in the world? Come back to the church. We still love you. It's not too late. What's the number one religion in the world?

There's only one religion in the world, which is Catholicism. And everything else is a perverse heresy or a pagan mistake. That's what I'm about. Nice. We're back. Hell yeah. Not to say there's not a lot of good people of other religions out there, but they are all wrong. For sure. They just need to come to church and be fucking silent for 45 minutes. I went to a...

I think the day before Christmas, I went to like Brittany's friend invited her to like, or us to one of those kind of mega churchy kind of things. It wasn't, it wasn't that big, but it was one of those. I don't want you in there, dude. It was, did you do this? I don't do it, but there was, that was, I don't want you in there. I had to get in there. You could get pumped on that shit. I wasn't, I wasn't a fan. I was guitar. Yeah. It's, it's literally, um, we're,

world gemstones level like a band they're like oh yeah so i'm i was just watching it and it was funny though because i'm watching the dudes who grew up in that and it is it's like your hands are out yes and my church training kicked in and i'm just like a roman soldier dude i just fucking you stand there perfectly straight i'm like totally devoid of emotion it's pretty tight you heard some buzzwords took a knee because i was like i'm just gonna go with the flow i'm gonna chill and then i just noticed i was completely rigid and just like

So serious the whole time. I go, yeah, this is my church training. Well, it's also hard because you could, it would be evil, but the skill set for a comedian to a mega church person would be one for one. You could have a private jet really fast. Yeah, true. Sometimes I watch the, call it Foxtel, your cable television, the evangelical channel. And you've got a man named Bishop

T.D. Jakes, I think is his name. Do you know this man? He's a big fat black guy and he's the most charismatic man maybe in the world. That's nice. Yeah. We had a, believe it or not, I don't know what they call it there. I guess like the homily or whatever. It was just a dude on a giant screen. Yeah. No dude in person. Oh, okay. It was just dude on screen. So they call it church planting because it's all based around the charisma of the one guy.

They will, they'll have their like one big mega church and then they'll have other churches around the country and all you do is turn up and they put the TV on and you watch the guy do his thing. Yeah, they had the band was in person and then they had like a... How was the band? The band kind of slapped you. I don't want to hear this. The band was kind of like... I don't want to hear this. It was just Christmas carols. They were just ripping Christmas carols live and I was like... Little drummer boy was going hard. It was cool. And then an area, this was kind of suspect. They have an area where you can like drop your kids off and their kids will play. So I was kind of like...

Yeah. What are you weirdos doing over there? I went to one. I don't want to use the word segregate. They split the kids up into, it was like the zero to three. And then it was like, yes, they try to do that, but we made them take both our kids together. We're like, no, we're not. Did you have Sunday school in the Catholic community?

like you but didn't the kids are all at the mess the whole time from start to finish yeah there was a couple times they would make the kids leave really like and they would do that yeah I remember being very little we would have to go to the gym we should be there for the whole sit on the basketball court and they would yeah yeah we had a priest used to Jesus out and he would be like all the kids come up while I do the homily and they'd sit at his feet and he would just fucking oh boy Lord with the headset on and he would just talk

That was it? Yeah, he would headset out and step out in front of... He'd have just a kid sitting down. So they'd all sit and fuck around. He just would talk. He didn't do anything weird. The priest should have his face to the wall the whole time. I agree. I agree. I'm a big... You're a Latin mass. I'm a Latin mass person. True. Face to the wall and just fucking squeezing his nuts. It's not about him. We're all here together. Yeah, he can do whatever he... Shia LaBeouf's about it too. He's a Latin mass man. Yeah, that was a very... What's his name? Bishop Robert Barron.

He did a big thing about I don't like the new masks. Like they're trying to sell me a car. Yeah. And then sadly the Padre Pio movie was not great. Was it not? No. I was just going to say I liked it no matter what. I've had very high thresholds for being able to forgive it being a bad movie. It looked like it was a very low budget. He was great. Yeah. Shia was great. The movie style. Shia's great in everything. True.

The movie stocked up? The movie was really very bad. What was it about? What was the... It was like about revolutionary Italians and how Padre Pio is a good man and cries a lot. But also everyone else is putting on a fake Italian accent. Well, they're really Italian, but they're like, Padre Pio, why don't you come to help? And Shia LaBeouf doesn't do the accent. He's like, get out of here! LAUGHTER

Satan get behind me. Just do it. That's so funny. Yeah. And he's just like, no. He's like, I don't want to do the accent. It's not real. And they let him not do it because he's child above. That would have been the funniest thing of him being like, oh, I don't know. I don't know about that. I don't have a wife. Yeah. My wife.

damn that sucks i like was gonna watch that event i figured i'd like watch it on an airplane or something but i mean give it a go maybe you'll no i i believe you it stinks i'm waiting for the new i'm waiting for the new which we'll call it uh passion of the christ part two yeah it's gonna be tight come back soon that's my number one person i want to meet in america mail big mail yeah yeah i'm all about mel gibson have you seen signs yeah the bit where he loses it at the dinner table and eats everybody's food yeah it's maybe my favorite ever seen in a

Although Swing Away is very good. Joaquin Phoenix is nice. Oh, I love this movie. A lot of people are hating on Napoleon, dude, still. I haven't seen it. Napoleon movie. Let them hate. Yeah, dude, a lot of people. I feel like it's almost like a reflexive social, like, yeah, that movie sucks. Yeah. So I just watched it. It was cool. I liked it. It wasn't even true. I heard there was a bit where he fired a cannonball into the pyramid. Yeah. People are very upset about that. It's funny to get upset about that as a historical inaccuracy, and then every single show is like,

The Queen of England's black. You know? What was the lightest? Every single show. Really? Every single historical documentary. They say the Queen of England's black? There's a black Isaac Newton now? The black Isaac Newton was the lightest big one. Yeah, they did Cleopatra where it's just 100% just a black lady. Every single thing they do. True, yeah. I see what you're saying. I didn't know the Queen was like...

He's a queen. Didn't they do a queen movie? I think it's good to make the queen black. Me too. She's a beautiful woman and a more soulful representation. It's going to get monarchy out to more people in the community. You love the monarchy. I love the monarchy. Do you know that about this? You love the monarchy? You're a monarchist? I am a monarchist. Yeah. You don't want Australian independence? We're never going to get Australian independence. Why? Because we tried in the 70s and I think you removed our prime minister.

What did you guys try to do? What was the try? You eased him out the door. Did you guys dump the tea in the harbor? No, we've never. We keep trying to have a vote on it and we had a vote in the 90s and we got rid of it. But for us to be a republic, it would just be like our woke middle class. People would run the show and now we get to deprive them one thing that they want.

So you like the right wing angle of the monarchy. Yes. I like big fancy hats. I mean, that is the first estate. It is the most right wing thing is the monarchy. That's where they were sitting in the court. True. What are your thoughts on Franco?

Franco, the Catholic fascist. Well, he's a phalangist, first of all. He's a phalangist. That was very similar to a fascist. I think there's a stronger defense for Salazar, who was the dictator of Portugal. But Franco was allowed to be there until the 70s, right? Yeah, he made it. Yeah. I have no serious complaints about Franco. That might get me in trouble. Yeah.

He stayed out of World War II. He didn't have a problem with the Jews, as far as I'm aware. That's pretty nice. True. He kept his gripes to himself. Great uniforms. He stopped people massacring nuns in the street. That's nice. This is your Kanye. This is my Kanye moment. I love Franco. Why were people massacring nuns?

Because you can't trust Republican Spanish people. They just wanted to do it. True that. They were nasty communists. They wanted to get away. Yeah. Yeah, I do like that. I like when France did that whole thing where they tried to set up a whole new calendar based on 10 days. Cult of the Supreme Being. Yeah, the fucking 10-day periods. And it was like, today is the day of rationality. Everybody celebrate in the streets. How do you hate monarchy and love Napoleon?

He made himself an emperor. I love the... He got crowned. I like looking at history about Napoleon. You don't worship the man? No. Okay. I have a little bit of Napoleon worship. It's a good distinction. This is the United States, brother.

I would love it if you had a king. You would have such a great king. You would have such good parades. We did have a king, brother. We did have a king and he got fucking exiled. You deserve your honor. He got sent to Elba. He'll be back. The return of the king. He's coming back. He for real might win.

Like very good. Yeah, he just got one vote from Australia. True. He just got a new vote. I don't get to vote. You got to hurry up and get in there. Yeah, dude. I'll try and get a green card. Do a mail-in. They'll let you vote. The Dems will give you a vote. They'll probably let me vote five or six times if they think I'm voting for the candidate they want. The Dems are going to pass them off. I don't believe that your elections are real. You don't have an independent. Can I say, is that? You can say it, whatever you want. Yeah, like there's so much room. There's a lot of room for hijinks.

- No. - I'll tell you what happens. - No. - Don't bring that crap to us. Here's what happens. You get home from your job and you put your little tool pouch down, you walk in and you go, it's about time I shared a piece of my mind. The guy in Washington goes, oh crap, Joe just voted for this.

one to one no no there's nothing else you should get together in a room and all raise your hands i think that's that's so you would like that straight up yeah i love democracy so i think franco and franco peacefully handed power back over at the right time and so what about that that's pretty cool you know i was in spain and a lot of guys are still very very pro franco the italians love musselini not everybody but a lot of them do they still go to musselini's um

They still venerate Muslims. But back to what we were talking about a second ago, there's a lot of things me and Matt will joke about on this podcast, and we don't fucking joke about election fraud. Okay. So never do that again. You only take election fraud very seriously as a problem? Very seriously. No, not as a problem. It's not a problem. I've never voted because of it. Yeah. Neither of us have ever voted once.

I refuse to vote until everyone accepts that there's no election fraud in this country. You can't be against monarchy and in favor of republic if you refuse to participate in your democracy. That's the point of it, though. No, no, no. We cannot participate if they suck. True. We can go, these guys suck. They suck if you don't participate. No, they don't. There's nothing we can do about it. Our democracy is going well. You could get involved. You could run. What are you talking about? Look at our democracy right now. It's going fantastic. Yeah.

I think either one of you could run to the congressman and have a good time. We have the oldest president in the world right now, dude. We have the oldest fucking guy ever. You know how hard that is to keep that guy active? That's such a testament to science. I watched the Conan interview with him and I had to stop. It was too sad. It is sad to watch. Conan O'Brien interviewed him. Did he really? Yeah, and Biden is mumbling and smiling. They also have a very greasy lens so that they both look like...

Really? Yeah. Why would they have a greasy lens? The eye is wrinkly. So you can't see his... Oh, really? His true skin. It's like every other Conan video is crisp and clear and HD and then the Biden one and it's like the second Sex and the City movie where you can't really make out what's going on. You want to see the hologram just fucking... Someone tell me Howie Mandel has a hologram business?

He does. Did you tell me that? No, I didn't. Sam Talent or Matthew. He does have a hologram. That's cool. I started watching Deal or No Deal after the episode you did with him. It's the most high intensity show. Deal or No Deal is a great show. It's just full-blown degenerate gambling in the evening on television for families. There's the worst show ever. What was that show with the lie detector show?

Dude, they had to stop that. That was ruining his family. They would bring couples on and hook the wife up or the husband up to a lie detector. And ask them, like, have you been cheating? And if they answer correctly and tell the truth to what the lie detector said, they advance and get more money. Moment of truth. So there's questions like, have you cheated on your husband? And the husband will be like...

Because you can stop. You can say, I'm done answering. Oh. And tap out and you don't get the money. Or you can get the bag. Or you can secure the bag. So sometimes families, and the families vote on like, go ahead, mom. Answer the question. But the lie detector machine doesn't work. It's not admissible. It's admissible enough. If you're trained, you can kind of get around it. But if you're an average person. What if they're like, have you cheated on your wife? And you say no, and it comes up with a yes, but you feel very bad about masturbating sometimes or something. True. It isn't perfect for sure.

But... Then your life is over and 20 million people watch it happen. Yeah, but you can tell when the woman on stage goes, yes, I've cheated on my husband. She did not lie. Yeah, because they're exactly... They're hooked up to it. So they're like, fuck, I can't lie. Yeah. I need this money. I'm glad they canceled that shot. I don't know how real that show was. I hope it's not real. I hope it's not real. Yeah, because that was... Some of those clips are heartbreaking. It was devastating. It was absolutely devastating. Deal or No Deal is as wacky as I'm happy to go. Yeah, that's fun. All the sexy ladies with the...

There's definitely a pornographic element to deal with. For sure. This is a big America thing. There's something sexual and you will not acknowledge as a society that something sexual is happening. You don't like that? We love that. Well, like cheerleaders showing their underpants while they do high kicks. That's sexual. At a high school. No one's saying that's not sexual. Every single person. You're at a high school. Oh, at a high school? And they're full faces of makeup and 14-year-olds. Well, that's just the cult of the prima donna continuing.

We do that. We've sexualized teenage girls for years. It's like a sacrifice. Britney Spears' mother, when she was on the cover of Rolling Stone, was like, no one could think that was sexual. She's in little silk pajamas with her tummy out. Yeah, it was totally sexual. Billy Eilish, sorry. I'm very angry about the Billy Eilish one. Billy Eilish was sexualized before she was 18. Billy Eilish looks like a little boy.

No, they found ways of showing that she had great big teeth. She's grown up. Oh, really? I always thought she looked like a little boy. Every video when she was under 18, she would have things being dripped onto her face from a high-rise camera angle. That's just getting slimed, dude. That's Nickelodeon. That's kids doing stuff for kids. Yeah, that's kids for the kids. Little kids swimming about on someone's face. You guys don't have teenage pop stars in Australia?

Not. We have the Kid LAROI. I like Kid LAROI. He's great. He's a beautiful vibrato. You don't have like 16-year-old girls? No, they jack off to K-pop. True. We're very big on, yes, K-pop is increasingly famous. Yeah, they jack off to Korean boys and then they criticize us. True. For fucking Britney Spears. I'll never say sorry for Britney Spears. That was so long ago. That was awesome.

God forbid all of our dads got a fucking break. Yeah. I just wish you acknowledged that. God damn, that must have been nice. Those dads coming home being like, what are you guys watching? Jesus Christ. We've actually talked about this a lot on here. That was just a weird surrogate of child sacrifice where we take teenagers and put them out and their minds would be destroyed and everyone would just look at their belly buttons and be like, fuck you. We've discussed that, actually. Yeah, the music.

used to be more suicidal and sad i like the fact that lincoln park was a big thing they were about it though no one's doing that now well people are just not singing about it now they're just doing it now they're just fucking doing it they're like i don't need to write a song about this i'm just gonna kill myself a lot of people icing themselves right now do you have a helpline number that could come up yeah we have a suicide hotline great

Yeah. It's also illegal to prank call a federal hotline. Is it? Yes. Okay. How did you find out? I called the 1-800-GAMBLERS and told them I had a rock, paper, scissors problem. That's good. They told me they were going to call the police. I always wanted to call the gambling helpline and be like, I'm on 16. What do I do? Do I hit? Oh, the gambling helpline. Help my gambler. They'll threaten you, dude. They were actually, oh, the gambling helpline. I need a tip.

What do you think they'll cover? You think the Broncos will cover the spread? That's actually really funny. It's illegal. Just call the Canadian one. Canadian helpline? True. That's probably not a crime. Canada wanted to extradite me for making fun of their gambling hotline. You guys were, England and Australia, you guys were on the betting online way before us.

I remember every year. Don't take this one away from me, but we're the number one gambling per capita in the world. I believe that. I believe that. Via the country mile. It's like double Singapore or whatever the number. Really? Yeah. Damn, you guys are beating Asians in gambling? Yeah. We love gambling. Well, Asians come to Australia to gamble. We have special casinos built for them. Really? Yes. They sleep in pods and stuff? I slept in a pod the night before I came to America. Did you really? I would never do it again. Why did you sleep in a pod for? I'm very poor.

Where was the pod? In Christchurch, New Zealand. It was at something called the Juicy Snows, but they changed the name. But it was on the country. Dude, other countries fucking blow. I'm sleeping in the Juicy Snows in New Zealand. I've got a fine pod here. Is it like a nap motel where you just lay in the pod? It's like bunk beds with plastic that looks futuristic. Did you? Total strangers. And did you participate in the comic? Did you have a Juicy Snows? I managed to...

A vap nap? I was happy that there were other people there because I find it easier not to masturbate if I'm with people all the time. True. Like right now, it would be difficult for me to start masturbating and that's a real relief for me. Just to have that taken out of my hands. How was your juicy snooze? It was really poor. It was not a good time. What's the bedding situation? Yeah, explain this. It's very thin. It's like...

Four on one side of the room, four on the other. Very thin mattress. Oh, you're in a room with other people? Yeah. Total strangers. What? Yes, yep. Snoring. It's like a hostel, but they call it a pod room. And you get a little screen door. Well, not a screen door. You get a fly screen that comes down. A little divider. Oh, my God. And then there's a fan to keep it cool, but the fan's very loud and no one else had their fan on, so I felt bad about having a fan. Is there a guy like shitting in the corner of this room? There's a group toilet down the way, and I...

You obviously took a massive dump.

I took several big poos. And it was nice for about two minutes because there was a big communal area with hammocks and a little Civilization V there and that was good. But that's the... Yeah. Man, that's a nightmare. It was very hard. That's tough. But also I... Oh, man. So I texted you because I was a day later because I said I missed a flight. Yeah. And I had. You slept in. You hit the juiciest. I was in Greymouth and it was a foggy day and they cancelled the flight. And so my...

wife's mother's husband drove me across New Zealand to get to the airport across the Swiss, the Southern Alps. But then halfway, I realized that my ticket was, um, the 30th of January, not the 30th of December. So that's why I stayed at a Juicy Snooze and changed the flight. I felt very silly. Juicy Snooze. I mean, that's where you got to kill yourself. That's a sad fucking place. The good people of the Juicy Snooze were very kind to me. And, um,

Can you stay there overnight or is it just for napping? No, people live there longer term. It's now called the... They've tried to rebrand to, I think it's the Lilo, but on Google Maps it says, Lilo formerly known as Juicy Snows. They're going to change it to Airbnb. You can just go in and take a piss.

Take a piss in this hole and then hang out with your fellow peers. Make community. With other vagrants. Those workplaces are crazy. I've been into a WeWork before. Yeah. I was always on the hunt for office space that I didn't want to spend a ton of money on. Those places are bizarre, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I've worked in a couple. The WeWork? Yeah. Yeah, they're weird, man. I can't get into that. Have they shut down now? A lot of them. They went bankrupt. I think so, yeah.

But it's like you'd just be in a glass room and there'd be like four dudes next to you in like another glass room. And then somebody comes in and is like, I actually have this room for this time. And you're like, all right. I was trying to write a comedy sketch. Yeah.

And they have video game machines and little snacks. The snacks in the coffee area, that's nice. That's kind of cool. And they always have kegs. What are you chuckling about? Juicy Snoozes. Yeah, I just thought you were joking. It does say Delilah, Queenstown, formerly known as the Juicy Snoozes. They're fact-checking you. I'm going to start a Juicy Snooze. That's actually, that Juicy Snooze, that's the fifth most expensive building in the entire world.

It was $17 trillion. I would love to start a Juicy Snooze in a WeWork.

Just laid out on the table and it's like, yo, you can sleep here for 50 cents. That's the future liberals want. All rental. You don't own anything. You live in a community. The liberal dream is exploding, dude. Yeah. You eat insects. It's all exploding right now. There's a Harvard president, the first black Harvard president. She's gone, right? She's fired. She got caught plagiarizing, by the way. And she's getting fired over the Israel-Palestine thing. It's all complete. Is she pro-Israel?

No. She was in charge of Harvard and she tried to come out anti-Israel? She just said, what she was saying, I think, well, it's kind of sucked because I think they brought her before Congress and they were like, is it illegal on campus to say, call for the genocide of the Jewish people? And I think she tried to do like a nuanced answer and they were just like, dude. It's like, just say it. Yeah. She's like, if it results in actual violence, yes.

Well, as opposed to one of those nice, friendly genocides where people are just politely relocated to a new... As opposed to a group chat with your boys, you're allowed to call for genocide nonstop. That is the entire group chat every day. I didn't follow it that closely, but apparently they claim that the discontent with this lady started in 4chan of them, people being like, fuck this black lady, blah, blah, blah. But then apparently they unearthed the fact that she had plagiarism. No, they blamed white supremacists.

Well, they were saying there was that element. She went in front of Congress and wouldn't say calling for genocide is hate speech. Yeah, exactly. This one was on her. These dudes, I think they just went into 4chan and saw dudes like, fucking black lady. And they're like, these vile white supremacists. Like, dude, they're 13-year-olds. Yeah. But I think these dudes did have a hand in uncovering the fact that she plagiarized, maybe. Yeah.

But people got into it. I saw the thing she played with. Yeah, and it was like stupid shit. It wasn't really, yeah. We've all done it. Yeah, sure. You copy and paste from a thing and then you change a couple of the words, obviously. But they were like, she's the fucking president. And like, we as students, we would get kicked out. So how come she can get away with it? And it's like, fair enough. Nobody's above the law. Nobody's above the law. Not even Dr. Claudia Gay. Not even Dr. Claudia Gay.

Isn't that funny? Her name is Claudia Gay? Yeah. Dr. Gay. That's Dr. Gay to you. Yeah, man. She got busted. I don't understand. I don't know, man. I guess it's kind of a pressure cooker, though. If you're fully plugged into that environment where, like, dude, you really, like, when you're in that shit, you have to, like, every word can be just take off your head. You get into that game of, like, I'm actually the most blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, you lived it.

I was in it, yeah. That's crazy. Obviously, I was a fucking alpha beast. I was a white alpha beast. You did alpha beast, yeah. I didn't play by the rules. Wait, were you in academia? I was... No, I'd love to say I was, but I did get my master's in social work. Well, technically, I got my master's in social work. Yeah, technically, I have an advanced degree. I do have an advanced degree. Yeah. But, dude, I got into it because, A, I was curious if I wanted to do therapy for a living. Yeah. And then I also really was curious because I kept hearing Jordan Peterson being like, the colleges are out of control, blah, blah, blah.

So I was like, I have nothing to do. So I was like, I'd love to go see if that's true while I'm doing both of these. And dude, it was as bad, if not worse, as he said. But this is recent. Yeah, this was like 2020, 2019, 2020.

But if you're like running Harvard and you're fully steeped in all that bullshit, I could see why she was like, oh, but because like liberal edgelords now are like totally into Hamas. If you want to be a liberal edgelord, you can just be like, well. If Kanye came out now with the I love Hitler stuff, I think. Yeah. I mean, you'd phrase it a little differently, but. Every genius is ahead of their time, dude. Including.

Oh, yeah. True. Wait, I don't get it. Hitler. Oh, yeah. I'm anti-fascist. Are you sure? Yeah. You're anti-far? No, I'm anti-anti-far and I'm also anti-the-far. I don't want people to cut this up and say,

James McCann is a Franco. Franco committed great atrocities. You shouldn't have just said what you don't want. I don't even know what his atrocities are. I don't know enough about it. But he put an end to some atrocities. It was the Spanish Civil War. It was almost nothing but atrocities. He got funded by Hitler. What? But then he turned around and he said, I'm not helping you now, Hitler. I mean, can we give him a little credit? It was like right before World War II. They still had to fix their entire country. Otherwise, they would have participated.

I mean, they could have. There's no way. Here's what I will say. They definitely could have helped in some way. If Franco was a good guy, he would have helped Hitler. I think Franco helped the hell out. After all Hitler did for Franco. If he kept his word, you're saying. You're telling me this guy's a good guy? This guy's not only a fascist, he's a traitor. The worst kind. Treacherous. And now a fascist of his word. Everybody turned on Adolf. The wops, the Spaniards. There's a... They did. I mean, he had it coming. He was getting a little out of control. He picked. He picked out. He picked out, dude. He picked. He picked.

He for sure pegged out. He was wrong, right? I was defending the man. He was wrong. I agree. He was so wrong. Hitler? Yeah. Yes. Didn't he kind of... Didn't Hitler kind of cause the state of Israel in a way? You know, the word Holocaust... It was a little before. The word Holocaust means... Okay, they started before. I don't want to get into this. Why wasn't Hitler trying to get to Israel? I don't want to say that.

He was trying to relocate people to Mozambique. A lot of countries were offered to take all of the Jews in Germany and said no, including Australia. Well, that's how it works. Yeah. You can't just be like, hey, we're giving you all these people. Other countries are going to go, no. No. They don't think he was going to kill them if they didn't. When Hong Kong was being invaded, though, a lot of people came out and said, we'll take all the Hong Kong. Yeah. It's also crazy, too, to like...

I mean, you could take any group of people and be like, by the way, we got to take a whole ethnicity. People are like, what's going on? Yeah. What is going on? It just sounds insane.

I think we have a unique country for it would actually work pretty well. Yeah, why did you guys deny them? That's fucked up. I agree. I think we should have helped. You guys would have been crushed. You guys could have been little Israel. You guys actually might have the third most expensive building in the world. If you had done that, you'd have several expensive buildings. Don't you ever question the expensiveness of the Royal Allied Hospital. That is so funny. That phone call must have been so funny of Hitler. He'd be like, take these Jews. What? No, we're not taking the Jews. Alice and Adolf.

We're not going to take the Jews off your hands. You're going to have to deal with them. Don't do anything brash. Why are we Al Capone? Because it was around then. Do you think they started trading too? Do you think they were offering other trades? What? We'll give you... We got like 40,000 Mexican guys. They're like, what? No. We don't want them. If Hitler only knew. Oh my God, bro. He would have been able to build all his little architectural dreams. Oh.

Sometimes I do look at the Nazi megastructures and I... The stadium that was going to house like half a million people. Like a dome? It's now a swamp. Is it like a dome stadium? He invented the sphere. He was getting rowdy. He was going to build the sickest shit ever. Oh, do you know about the V3? What cost? Yeah. The V3? What was the V3? So they had the V1 and the V2. But then the V3 was going to be a huge...

like a 10 mile long tube that was just a cannon that fired directly into London over and over again. - So in that Hitler book, in this Hitler book, that's the best part is he thinks he's the greatest architect of all time. - Yeah, yeah. - And literally all he does is like make it the biggest one. Like no matter what it is, he's like, but what if we made it fucking huge?

and his i forget the guy who was the guy that was like the great architect yeah and he he was hitler hitler loved this guy i was like you and me are basically the same we're great architects i want your opinion on this and he'd be like what if we built a gun but it was a mile long it's like a six-year-old and his boy had to be like

Yeah, that's a great idea. What if there was a road and you could just go as fast as you want? No one can stop you. All he did was keep coming up with the dumbest fucking ideas possible and everybody had to be like,

Yeah, this stuff is good. After the big blimp, they might have reined it back a little bit. He was going to shoot those big Mario bullets with faces on them in London? I swear to God, yes. Those were like the types of ideas he was having. I didn't know about this stuff. Yeah, he thought he was the greatest architect in the world. Towards the end of World War II, he would keep telling people, he's like, this should have never even fucking happened. I should be an architect right now. But fucking Churchill did all this to us. Now I have to fight.

All he wanted to be was a sick architect. Big ass buildings. And build the Don. He would love Vegas. He would love that sphere. Oh my God. He'd love all the giant fake bullshit everywhere. I think there would be things about Vegas that he would be disappointed with. That would be a good movie. Architecturally. Dude, that's a good movie where a guy goes back in time to kill Hitler, but like slips and hits his head. And then Hitler just walks through a time machine portal and comes back into the present day and has to be like, wow. I like that. And they're like, what did I do?

That'd be a cool movie. That is. Hitler. There's a German film where. He would love Sofas. I think they made that. Look who's back. There's a German movie about Hitler wakes up in the prison. Oh, really? Yeah. Like he dies, but then. I've seen footage of a guy dressed like Hitler walking through. Yeah. It looks like it's from a movie. That's so funny. Walking through like current. Yeah. No. No. I also abstained from Jojo Rabbit. What's Jojo Rabbit? Taika Waititi's. I kind of liked it. I like Taika Waititi a lot.

I didn't like the Thor movies, but Hunt for the Wilder People is great. Why'd you abstain from Jojo Rabbit? I just had a... I looked at the trailer and I didn't want to... Scarlett Johansson is lovely and I couldn't control myself if I was watching her in a film. Can you do some masturbatory episode? All dressed up like a sweet 1930s matron with honour and dignity. Oh my God. I've been away for a long time. I miss my sweet wife. James, no.

I used to work for a website that would like attack, sort of like a BuzzFeed type thing where you would just like pick someone and hate them. Yeah. And I got there just after the woke thing had happened and it was all like, you know, when the fappening occurred, they were like, how dare? No one should look at these pictures. Yeah. But like two years before that, Scarlett Johansson's nudes had leaked.

And I looked up what my company had said about it. And they're like, sometimes hackers use their powers for good. Look at these absolutely beautiful big Mazumbas on your heads. And then within two years, without ever taking the other one down and saying, it's wrong to look at stolen naked photographs. Yeah. That was just in 2011. You could do that. 2012. It was over. Yeah. They said that was the de facto. They dropped the hammer. Like, yo, if they tell you the hottest celebrity is naked. Yeah. Don't Google it. Don't Google it. You're a piece of shit.

What if you just Google Witness and just never talk about it? Check it out. Wait, Google Witness? I've never looked it up. No, like you just Google it and then you witness the photos. Oh, yes. Don't share them. Just look at them and go, nice. And then just keep it to yourself. I couldn't keep it to myself. True. You sung up for the man. I'm trying to live. I have to. I'm going to ask in future what the... I shouldn't have gone to that Kill Tony show with all the...

There were a lot of ladies with their bottoms out. I was not prepared for that. None of us were. Yes. You'll see me, dude. I kept the fucking... I slid my knight armor down, dude. My very best. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, that is a... They got to start throwing guys in there, too, just to keep it balanced. Yeah. Yes. I think a big, beautiful penis would have helped restore normalcy for the evening. We did see a penis. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The guy showed us his fucking dong. That was... I still can't wrap my head around how that happened.

How he split his dong in half? I mean, yeah, he's leaving some stuff out. He said he hit like a bone, like a pelvis bone. Yeah.

And then it just kind of... But we saw the size of his penis. Was it a huge penis? No. Was it normal size? It was bigger, but... It was injured too. So you're going to think it's swollen from injury. Yeah. It was cool. I'd love to show my penis and have it look like that one time to people. Yeah. It was like wrapped in gauze. When it's injured, it's swollen. Yeah. I got poison eye from my dick one time. I know the drill. Yeah. It swells up. You're like, nice. Which of you... Someone said... He was about to get it out for everybody. And then he turned around and just showed the...

Yeah. But who stopped him from... I don't think he was allowed to do that. Okay. Maybe not. He might have been. He did have the shaft wrapped. That's like a lady wearing... But your head's your nipple. Yeah, it is. Mushroom tip's your nipple. You can show... If you just put tape over the tip of your dick, you can show your dick. The testicle is the décolletage of the penis.

Certainly is. I think you can't show your glons, but I think you can show your... I don't think this is true. You're allowed to show, like, I think, like, the first this much of your shaft. Oh, man.

Where? In public? Yeah. You just wear the bumsters? You wear pants that go down so that just your roots stick out. Yeah. And then that's that. You got to fucking just keep it tight from there. That's an American thing. You should do it. All the cool hot guys over here show their dick. No, my pubic hair is thick enough that no one would see it. Wax it. No, no. I believe in keeping a big, thick...

Guys floating a little bit of pubes in public would be so funny. It's the new hairy chest. You get a little gold necklace above the pants. Yeah, women are getting close, dude. They're showing ass cheeks. The camel toes now. The pants are like designed for camel toes. I had a very uncomfortable conversation when I was home for Christmas with my sister.

She was going to the gym and literally her entire vagina was hanging out. You intervened? And she came in to the room where me and Phil were watching football. And she was like, is this fine to wear to the gym? And we were both like, no.

"No, you should go with something else." And she's like, "Why?" I was like, "Sara, we're not gonna say why." - Oh, fuck. - I don't have my fucking camel toe right now. It's like, oh man. - But she did and it was... It sucked. It really put a damper on me and Phil's day. We were just trying to watch football and my sister came in and showed us her pussy.

We were just trying to watch some Christmas Day football. Oh, fuck, man. Oh, my God. Yeah, that was a bad one. So what was the resolution? I think she did change after we yelled at her. Tossed on the umbros? Because she denied it intensely, and we had to be like...

Your pussy is out. We didn't want to say it. Oh, God. Yeah. She came in and was like, is this fine? We were both like, God damn it, dude. What? Well, now they have the spandex, that cup in the butt cheeks. It's crazy. With the line going, with the piece of fabric that's been tied across the taint. It's great. Yeah, it's just a banglet. It's great when it's not your fucking sister. I wish no one would wear them.

Yeah. Is there an all-male gym that's not homosexual? That's where I'd like to go. I just want to work out with the boys. I don't want to be... You got to get in touch with Matt's brother. Yeah, my brother Billy found a gym that was apparently all Patriots during COVID. No one wearing masks. It was all dudes in there lifting. It was a Patriots gym. We did try to tell him it was just all gay men in there, though. Gay Patriots. There's definitely a few. I would maybe go to a gay gym over there.

That would be cool. I mean, you could start it immediately. As soon as a girl walks in, you can just mad dog her. Yeah. They would start leaving. You slam the weights down. You're like, get the fuck out. I did notice that at the mothership, there was no trans toilet. That was shocking. But even to the extent that the male and female handicap toilets are different toilets. You don't have a gender neutral handicap. I thought it was nice. I'd never seen the people without legs have to be gendered before.

That's just a fun one for me maybe that I know. I'm still confused. In Australia, you have the- There's like male, female handicap. Okay. Or the special toilet. We have handicap stalls. Like a special cubicle to one side. Like a bigger stall. Yeah. We have those. You also don't have a door that closes all the way in the toilet.

There's a gap between where the lock is. There's a half inch. I don't like that. Not everyone. You're going to mix my contact with some people. Who is that for? I don't know, man. It's freaks.

Yeah, I don't like when you're in a bathroom stall and they leave that much on it. It's like, dude, how is that acceptable? You just watch a guy wash his hands. Yeah, how is that acceptable? Direct eye contact. I didn't know to expect that, so I was trying to look at which one to go into, and I just was very tired. You took a mother shit. Well, I know. I just saw all these people's legs, hip, penis, the pooping. You saw a penis? Yeah.

I'd like to think I didn't see a penis, but I don't know what I saw. You were talking about you were seeing through the crack to the front or you could see to the next stall. I could see through all of the stalls. I don't do when they don't complete that. Through the crack in the, between the door. I like floor to, or like height all the way high down to the floor. That's what the Delta Lounge. Yeah. You had the Delta Lounge at the airport.

Those are nice. Prime shitting. That's the best. Yeah. Just straight to the floor divider. But then you get ones that are set up where it's like huge gaps. Where it's like, bro. Or that fucking handle's a little jiggly. A little loose. Yeah. That lock comes open while you're dumping. Scary. Dude. Yeah, you know, absolutely not. The hordes, dude. This is World War Z. Yeah, it's tough, man. I would take, if I could take a psych med that relieves like public shitting anxiety of like people knocking on the door, I would take like 10 of those a day.

Whenever I'm shitting and someone starts knocking on the door, I hit that bathroom at the mothership hard. I mean, they're dumping. I support you every time, though. Yeah, I'm on a bidet. You're like, I got to shit. I'm like, dude, go. Oh, yeah, I do. I have no choice. But it's like people knock on the door while I'm shitting and I'm instantly filled with the deepest shame. I'm just like, hello. Because I'm like, no, I'm going to take my time. And it's like a second knock and I'm like, dude, I should kill myself. I love knowing when someone's shitting. It is very funny. Just go knock seven times. Don't answer. Can you go in a stranger's home? Have you ever? Oh, yeah.

that's to me the most anxious that is tough I once was going to I went on a big walk up uh Mount Lofty I got through so there's this big row of houses on the way there there's no public towards and I really had to go and I uh I knocked on a stranger's house and I still take a in their toilet they didn't they did let me and but it was the most embarrassing thing I've done they had a lot of go-kart trophies and dust you knocked on a stranger's door and asked for a I didn't know what else to do yeah yeah yeah you gotta go pretty bad

I watched my friend got denied one time. He asked to go to the bathroom. The guy's like, what do you got to do? He's like, I got to shit. And he's like, no, get out of here. He's like, you're not coming into my house. He's going to let him do the pee, but he was like, no shit. I think that's reasonable. That's fair. Good for that guy to stand up. I would hate it if a stranger knocked on the door and was like, I got to shit. Brother, I got to blow up your bathroom. I had a guy in Philly ask if he could shower in my house. And I was like, no, dude. I was carrying my groceries. Like, let me help you. And I'm like, I'm good. He's like, come on, man. Don't be like that. Accept help. And I'm like, dude, I'm good for real. He goes,

you live with your girl right and i was like yeah why he's like yo can i shower in there i was like dude get the out of here oh my god just locked my door like jesus christ man what the kind of lead-up questions that so you live with a girl right can i get naked in your house no

Absolutely fucking not. Maybe he wanted to know if you had nice shampoos and... True. It sounded like he wanted to jack off. Yes, he probably did want to jack off. Yeah. It was very weird. Yeah. Because he was like... His whole thing was like, don't... Dude, he's like, you got to accept help from people sometimes. I was like, man, maybe you're right. But I was like, I'm pretty good. I got these groceries. He's like, yeah, let me get naked and shower in your house. No. I don't miss that at all. Philly? It's weird interactions. Constantly weird interactions with people.

do they not do that here is austin a more we both live in a little more suburban i see so there's not homeless guys walking outside yeah it's a long drive to the methadone clinic right yeah yeah yeah that's crazy right wait you don't have that

No, it's like for homeless people. It's like literally a thing built. Wait, like the robot toilets that sing you songs? It's like a phone booth, but it's a toilet. Yeah, we've got them in Australia and they sing what the world needs now is love, sweet love while you're taking a shit. Really? Close the door. Like a porta potty kind of thing? It's got like the door and then it says you have 15 minutes. Really? Yeah.

They give you 15 minutes? I don't like that. That's the monarchy, dude. That is the monarchy. America says, take your time, brother. Yeah. I've never had the door spontaneously open, but I think it's so homeless people can't sleep in there. That makes sense. Like in The Pursuit of Happiness. True.

Yeah, the other guys will like siege warfare the port-a-potty and get up in there. Cut their head off. Yeah, that's... I mean, dude, we're going to... We'll figure out what to do with homeless people. There's going to be something. We're going to do something. I think fentanyl was your first attempt to... That was the Chinese government, dude. Was it? That was the Chinese. Why would the Chinese send you a drug that was mainly intended to get rid of welfare recipients? Because we hit them with the opium back in the day. So this is their opium wars rebuttal hitting us with the fucking fentanyl. Have you ever smoked opium?

Yeah, I have actually. I think that would be my drug. It's pretty chill, yeah. It was big in the weed smoking community. Your friend would get some opium. You put little opium balls on there. Wow. Did you have a little hammock that all relaxed together? No, I just had a bowl. I never really smoked a lot of it. I remember hitting an opium bowl and was just like, whatever. I'm pretty impervious to opioids, honestly. I've taken them. I guess that's an opiate, but I've taken opiates and opioids and I was always kind of like, meh.

Not a huge fan. That was my favorite. Drank promethazine, take Percocets. Promethazine is sick. I don't know. What is promethazine? It's a codeine cough syrup. Oh, yes. The codeine is excellent. I had to come off that. Scissor. I don't. And with it, you have the alcohol and the codeine and you have a bath and...

It's very nice. So I don't do that anymore. That was my, I dipped my toe and I was better on stage on Codeine. Really? It was very loose and I thought I need this for the future. Yeah, that would have been terrible. But I read about Pimp C after I'd managed to quit. He was the, do you know Pimp C? Yeah. Yeah, well, he died from it. Yep. And, isn't that Mac Miller? I think Mac Miller. He might have too from that as well. Unless, he might have hit the Fent. He might have got like a Fent. He got Fent. Yeah.

Hit the fat. Or, yeah, whatever. But, yeah, Pimp's. I think if the coating, the problem is it's pretty enjoyable and you start to pig out on it and you just stop breathing. Yes. Then you just go. Waukesha. Waukesha. The Waukesha. That's it. True. Yeah, true. Little Wayne was getting fucking seizures and shit. Yeah. Did he stop?

I don't know. I believe he did. The music was very strong when he was taking a lot of it. Yeah. Yeah, his voice was always all fucked up. Yeah, but it's no business. It's none of our business what's in that man's cup, though. Whatever he's drinking, it's working. Yeah, true. Although he made a public statement saying that it messed up his ability to get his dick hard. He made a public statement? He just thought the world had to know? He was just saying, like, it's fucking up my dick game.

So he was like, I can't keep going. That must have been crazy, dude. And he was like the last Trump endorsement before the last election. It was a big one. Yeah. And little pump. He got Wayne, Kanye, and 50. Kanye was after that. 50. He got 50. I didn't know that. 50, yeah. He was talking about taxes and stuff. Yeah. And he's now got Sexy Red. Is that her name? She's come out for Trump. She's Trump? She's Trump. Yeah. If he runs again, it'll, yeah.

I mean, dude, they are right. He's definitely the most fucking, he's the most G'd up president. You're going to have fun. You could see real American politics. Oh, you're going to be here for an election year. That'll be cool. It's going to be great. I didn't realize that you have Halloween like the week before the election. Do you think it's a problem that you're suffering, like you're bringing Satan into your politics through the, it's all like everyone's dressed up like ghosts and then you try and have the electoral process.

- Hmm, I thought that was fun. - No. - I'm looking forward to it. I wanna see a riot. I wanna-- - You will see some riots. - I wanna go to some rallies. I wanna go to a Biden rally. - Either way, Biden or Trump, there's gonna be-- - Yeah, people will spaz. - The lady is doing increasingly well though. So when they remove Trump. - Haley? - Yeah. - Maybe we'll just bring her on. - I like Vivek Ramaswamy. - Yeah. - Ramaswamy? - Ramaswamy. - Yeah, but could Americans ever trust a Hindu? That's the question.

Yeah, his answer on that was weak. He was like, we all have a shared background and values. It's like Hindu values are not Judeo-Christian-Muslim values. They're pretty conservative though. They are. That's nice. Hindus are very conservative and the Hindus, they have beef with Democrats. Why? Because Democrats attack them for using swastikas. Yeah.

there's a billboard there's a billboard on 95 or it's like end hindu hate and i've like went to the website and they're all about being like democrats have been with us we love our traditional value they're very very very conservative and then they're like and then they like give a for the swastika that was our symbol yeah like if we want to use it we can they got to get the out of here with it pacific islanders in new zealand uh have swastikas not all of them but in gang members

The Maori and the Pacifica people, you'll just see. Swastikas? Because we want the scariest tattoo. So even though they know that Hitler wouldn't have been 100% cool with them. Yeah, they're like, it's street cred for sure. I'd never seen as many swastikas on flesh. He was kind of cool with whoever would help. Rolled with him? Yeah. He made a big pivot on the Japanese halfway through that. The Muslim world. But even then he had to go, he called them honorary Aryans. Honorary Aryan. That would go, that's a bar.

They were invited to the picnic, bro. Yeah, they got invited to the fucking cookout, the motherfucking cookout. They were invited to the picnic. Was Hitler pro-Muslim? Yeah. He fucks with them, yeah. I didn't know that. Although he did. He wasn't pro-Muslim. He was just working with Muslim countries. He didn't let them fully into the fold, though. He never fully trusted them. Well, I would have hoped for better from Adolf Hitler, that he was more inclusionary in his policies. Yeah, man. He's a fucking guy.

He was a jerk. I don't like Hitler. I don't like any fascists. Franco. Franco. It's, man, Salazarism does seem like a good system. The Portuguese, I do get behind them. What are the Portuguese? He was just their prime minister. This is what I understand. I'm not a. Sure, sure, sure. But he was their prime minister and he was really good and they just kept him on for a long, long, long time. Yeah. Yeah. When you have a good tyrant, it is good. It's the best. But then you get a bad one. The righteous king. And then it's over.

No, you should be able to weather a bad king. I mean, there's something in the soul that cries out for royalty. And if you don't have it institutionalized, then you just... You know, people worship Kim Kardashian and the Queen of the Rose Bowl. The Queen of the Rose Bowl? No one knows what that is. You just saw it. It was the Queen of the Rose Bowl. Yeah, but you have American royalty. You have venerated celebrities to the point where they replace an actual king and queen. For sure. It's just we get beautiful...

Beautiful Kate and William. Yeah. To a lesser extent, the actual king. I don't actually like the king. Yeah. The king's very private. I don't hear about the king at all. I always hear about the queens. The queen this, queen that. I never hear about the king. The king was, you know, Prince Charles. King Charles. No, he was very public. He had a big...

His wife died in the car crash. Yeah, Princess Di. That was his. Oh, Prince Charles' wife was Princess Di. He was King Charles? He's King Charles now. He's King Charles III. Now he's the king. What the fuck is he doing? Do they have a cause? You thought it was queen this, queen that, because it was always the queen. Yeah, it was always the queen. They didn't have a king for a very long time like that. Why not? Because the queen was the introvert. She refused to let her husband be the king. It was a bone of contention, I believe. What? How do you feel about that in Australia without the king? You guys are lost.

Yes. We need a king. I think it's better to have a male ruler. Oh. We don't. See, this is stuff we don't do. We don't joke about that. You exclusively have men in charge of your country. We let women run. We tried to have Hillary. We tried to have Hillary, but the fucking Nazis. She can run again. Could be time. She blew it so hard.

she was so unlikable she seems fun behind the scenes whatever people tell a story about her she's doing cocaine and shouting about people and real nasty she could have done that and been a boss just bullying bills victims keep my husband's name out of your mouth we're gonna get this money man when trump brought the women who made the accusations to the debate it was the most savage pimping moment yeah it was yeah yeah it was very very funny sat in front row

Yeah, that just got all swept under the rug though. Everyone was just kind of like politics are complicated. That's, you know, things happen. Are they releasing the flight logs? Is that really happening? They're supposed to be coming out pretty soon. All right. Yeah, so we'll stay tuned. Did they come out? I thought they already, people saw them. So maybe they were the fake ones, but I don't know. I was sad that Chris Tucker was on the plane. Yeah. I love Chris Tucker. Maybe he was there for non-sexual purposes. Yeah, true.

And I don't think the flight always went to little St. James or whatever that island's called. Yeah. Maybe. He was flying people around the country also. Yeah, but where?

Oh, he had a jet. It was a jet, yeah. It wasn't always going to the island. That makes sense. He'd be like, yo, I dig rush hour a lot. Yeah. Have you seen what Jackie Chan does? Go fly it, LA. They're probably at a rich person party in New York. He's like, we're leaving in an hour. Hop on a jet. Yeah. That's how he gets you to the island, though. And then you get on that island. He goes, we're going south. Yeah. What the hell? God damn it. He goes, trust me on this. As you've become more successful, has anyone tried to put you on a special airplane and take you to it? No, don't answer. Every day, dude. Happens to me every day. Keep that shtum. Guys, I'm not coming to your pedophile island. Please stop bothering me.

please leave me yes don't even ask don't even ask I'll go down there and smite everybody I would flip the tables yeah someone must own that island now though right huh someone must have taken control yeah I think someone bought it you get that on a song right oh yeah that's and then you turn into a nice you know still be a sex island but you can just have adults or just even the elderly the elderly

So just really elderly ladies. Come down with your Brad Pitt. We're still the balance of the island. I got a bunch of septuagenarians. Do you want to come down there and have sex with them? Yeah. Traffic them. We're going to kill them. We're going to fuck them so hard we kill them. That'd be tight. Yeah. All right. Let's go to Patreon here. Yes. Yes.