Ep 473 - Sister's Hot Dog (feat. Duncan Trussell)
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Start it. We're here, dude. Thanks again. I'm good. Thank you. I'll keel over and die. Yeah, I know. These are awful. No, I'd probably be fine, but I'll just start salivating. They make me like... It feels like when I would steal cigars when I was little. You have too much nicotine. My stomach gets all fucking crampy. I projectile vomited the other day. I got the sixes. And I've been doing these threes. I've forgotten just...

I'd taken vitamins and I was like sort of like compulsively putting them on. And then just out of the blue, just suddenly like spray of vitamins. It's like a kid in the woods when you and your friend do dip and like they swallow the spit and they're like. So fucked up, man. Kind of tight though. Yeah, it felt weird. What time was this? Was this like the middle of the day? It was right before I do this live thing with my Patreon. Oh.

So I had to be like, excuse me. And I'd go and just fucking projectile vomit and then just wipe my face off like some heroin junkie. And then just start the show. You're like, thank you for our sponsors. Thank you. I'm trying to get addicted to nicotine. I take them, but I get like a spicy throat and my stomach starts like, I get like hiccups and shit. That's poison. Oh, well. I mean, that's your body reacting to poison. True.

I'm trying to get into arsenic, you know. Everyone does them. I'm like, I want them, dude. I want to take them and then write like a Hemingway-esque novel. Oh, yeah. That's definitely what they do. Oh, my God. My writing skills. Fuck.

50% better on Zen. It's amazing. Well, dude, thanks for doing this for real. I appreciate it, man. Anytime. I'm so excited to hang out with you. Thanks for coming down. My new thing now is a take charge attitude. I'm a take charge, can do attitude. Fuck yeah. We're starting this thing up right now. We got your Zen Zen. I got my fucking matcha. Hell yeah. Yeah, man. Well, dude.

So I always, I don't know how to start. I always feel weird starting these out, but like, I know you, I know your stuff. I like, I like saw the midnight gospel. I had to watch the last, the last couple of nights. I started watching that very fucking sick. Thanks man. So how, like not to be too formal or weird, but like, how did you, what was like your early experiences? Like, like what got you into all this stuff?

I don't know of your trajectory or anything. I don't know how you came to be. Into the Midnight Gospel or into what? Life in general. Oh, dude. Starting a childhood. I'm thinking about that because your mom was a therapist. And she got banged by my dad. There we go.

Impregnated. Impregnated or no? What? Was he a patient? Was he a patient of hers? Was he an anal sam? No, this is before she became a therapist. Really? Yeah. So, no, but he was a patient. She was visiting him. She was doing like service work. And so he was a patient at the Brunswick. It closed down, but it was what they call like mental asylums. You know, I don't think they call them that anymore, but he was in a mental asylum. Yeah.

She was doing like service work. She'd bring them food or little toys and stuff because like they like to play with toys. Like so she brought him as she loved telling the story. She brought him this like a rat, like a baby rattle. You'd be surprised how many people in mental asylums just fucking love baby rattles. That's me. Sorry. It's all good. Hold on one second.

Are you fucking with me? Is this a real story? Yeah. Shit. Okay, hold on. Sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to turn this off. It measures my blood sugar. It's all good. Blood sugar is important. So, yeah, they love rattles and stuff. Various toys, bells, and all that, pacifiers. But he loved this fucking rattle, and he lost it. But she bought an extra rattle. Yeah. So she gave him that. He was so happy, so exuberant.

The way she put it is like she just saw through the madness, the history of crime and stuff that people like that go through, and they made love. What? In the asylum. She gets fired. You can't hump in a mental asylum, right? He gets out because of some kind of loophole, and then they get married. What? Yeah. And that was just... Yeah. Are you fucking with me? Yes. That is not a true story. I'm so sorry. Okay.

don't know why I knew you're fucking with me but then I didn't want to be like yeah right you're sorry you did a good job pretending you believe me I half believed you there was I'm a very gullible person um yeah man I just I don't know like I don't know that it's that I

We don't have to start preconception. I don't know. You know that thing where you try to figure out why you are where you're at? Yeah. And then you can't. And none of it really makes sense. Like in the same way, like when you wake up from a dream, one second you're like in a cave. There was a tiger stalking outside the cave. The next second you're in a bar with an ex-girlfriend. But in the dream –

You don't think like, what the fuck? There was just a tiger. It feels the same way in waking life too. I had a very embarrassing dream last night. Yeah. It wasn't anything like terrible. It was just I've been – the thing I think about a lot is how I used to always pride myself. For a while I got deluded to the point where I was like –

I don't like care about stuff other people care about. Other people care about that shit, but not me. I'm not, I don't, you know, it's like you're doing it in your head. Like I'm not one of those people who like compare myself to other people. I'm way above it. And I've been like paying attention to that because I was reading this book on like Jungian stuff about how your brain sends you basically images from the external world to try to like explain your internal world to you through the images. Yeah. I'm like, all right. I was kind of pumped on that. I had a dream last night. This is the state I'm at, the reality of my life.

I had a dream last night. I'm in a car and someone's like, yo, it's Obama. And I'm like, I don't even care. And he went to go talk and he went to fall and he like slipped and I went to catch him. And then like my bicep was bulging and I was like, got you, bro. No big deal. And I turned to everyone like, did you see my bicep right there? Then I woke up and I'm like, God damn it, dude. I care just like everybody else. You do. I know.

It was such a pathetic dream. Like, yo, did you guys see my bicep? Dude. And it is funny how your brain just sends you messages where you're like, yeah, I'm above that shit. Oh, my God. Your brain, it's so, the little cries for help, you know, like, just sad, pathetic, neurological attempts to, like, get you back to where you are. But it's amazing, really. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I know. It's just the whole situation here is just ridiculous. I mean, we're, like, having to, we're thwarted constantly with this

Self. This thing that we have to keep feeding and bathing and... Well, that's the problem. You can't deny it. I try to deny it all the time. I try to do a thing I didn't watch porn for like... I made it... I tried to make it for a year. Nice. Good job. I made it for nine months, but... It was pretty good. But then you just start thinking about it constantly. You're like, well, I might as well be watching it. I'm thinking about it a little. And it's just this like vicious loop. I can never... That's it. Yeah, you just...

You know, you haven't really quit anything if you're constantly thinking about it. You've just internalized the addiction and you're getting off on the echo that's binging around in your head. It's like, you know, health, you know, when you're not thinking about how you feel? Yeah. You're healthy.

That means your health usually is just like a lack of symptoms to the point where you're just taking that current state for granted. So like when you really kick something, you don't even think about it anymore. It's just gone. The relationship is truly over when you're not thinking about the person anymore. It's, yeah, the quality of the mind that like engulfs external reality and then echoes it, simulates it, resurrects it, kills it.

Non-stop. That is very frustrating for sure. Yeah, it sucks, man. You know, especially when you think you're above it all and you have the dream, dude, where you're gripping Obama and you're like, just so you know, I'm not impressed by you at all. Everyone, did you just see what I just did? Above it all. I want to be above it all. I want to breach like a fucking whale right out of the default reality and look down on all these worldlings and roll my fucking whale eyes. Yeah.

You know, and then just go back down. Like, I guess I'll be with you worldlings for a little bit longer. Yeah. But it's just that you can't. The problem is if everything you see is an approximation, a neurological approximation made by your mind, then...

You can't be above anything because everything you're seeing is your mind. So how the fuck do you get above that? Fuck. You exactly. It's you. You're fucking – you're seeing – it's like on Twitter. My big Twitter epiphany is I'm like scrolling through my timeline. I'm just like, god damn, man.

Fucking Twitter sucks. This shit is bull. Everyone's so fucking negative. And then I remember I followed every one of these people. Like I decided to tune into their realities. They're not burdening me with whatever the fuck it is they're bitching about. I invited them in. This is all my fault. I did. This is your universe. That's a creation of yours. Yeah. Yeah. You did it. The absurd stuff. Yeah. That's the weird thing online right now where it's like,

I love, it's just fun to send reels and stuff to each other. Like, look at this fucking cringy loser. And you send it to your friend. He's like, yeah, he's a fucking piece of shit. And then you're like, ha ha. And then I'll catch myself doing this for hours. I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? It's the best. Little mini crucifixions. Check out this fucking loser. I nail him to the cross of judgment. That's the, so I'll, if you walk around in public,

And it's, again, it is like, this is the vicious circle of it. Cause it's like, I'll, I like listen to when people talk, I like eavesdrop and it's, I swear to God, it's 90% of the time. You'll see two ladies, two guys, whoever. A lot of times I can hear the ladies conversation better, but like, they'll be like fucking like they're always talking about another person, how they're failing. I swear to God, if you just sit around in like a public place, it's nonstop conversations about like fucking Cynthia's fucking bitch. And I'm like, I'll be like, dude, people are so fucking negative. And I'm like, oh, I'm talking shit on them. And it's like, exactly. Exactly.

You're judging them. They're judging Cynthia. Cynthia's a bitch. I bet Cynthia's a bitch. But why is she a bitch? She's a fucking bitch because everyone around her is talking shit about other people. So it's just echo. It's a fucking never-ending neurological echo parading around the universe. And it's just totally normal to see...

You and me is different. I mean, we are clearly supreme. We rise. What is it you're saying in the green? You said, I rise above humanity like a, what'd you say? Was it eagle or falcon? It was beautiful. I do this to other people. Don't do this to me. I like putting terrible things in their mouth. Misquotes. Yeah, true. The best. Well, don't.

I mean, I just like for the, the, where it gets really hilarious is so then, okay, so you, now you are upset because you have not met your, uh,

Whatever particular ridiculous spiritual watermark you're supposed to be at, which for a lot of people is just like, it's insane. I don't even know what that is. Are you numb? You're supposed to be like this numb Jesus who's like nothing touches you. Yes, exactly. Nothing moves the needle. Anything short of that, I'm furious. Yeah, exactly. Right. So the final curse is that you end up talking shit about yourself to yourself.

So, you know, first you're talking shit about other people or you're mentally confabulating what's wrong with them. Then you're mad at yourself because you recognize this is not a way to live. If I'm going to be perturbed by other people's idiocy –

Then I'm just going to be in hell. Look at you. Look at you, you pathetic piece of shit, sitting at a fucking Whole Foods, eavesdropping like a pervo on fucking... So accurate. You sick fuck. What's wrong with you? So first you're crucifying them. They're crucifying Cynthia. You're crucifying a simulated version of them. Then you crucify a simulated...

version of yourself. It doesn't stop. And it's a never-ending iterative wave of self... of crucifixions. Everyone's just nailing fucking nails through hands all day long. All day, every day. And it's exhausting. Have you ever tried to crucify someone? I mean, I think...

I bet one thing they were happy about with Jesus, I bet he's pretty easy to crucify. But he's also kind of, I don't see him fighting. Like he didn't struggle. There's no punching. He's just letting them. But I bet like a lot of other people in those days did not take some. Spitting in your face and stuff. Spitting in your face. Yeah. Puking on you. Dude. Fear piss. Fear piss.

fear, sweat, fear, stink. I always talk to people and they're always like, dude, it like, I'm like, it was probably so different back then. Like it wasn't that different. I'm like, yeah, it fucking was dude. You'd walk and see like a dude's head on a spike. Yeah. Like that's way different. Even if people still argued and shit, like to walk outside your house and see a dude's severed head on it for, for like doing something not that bad. Probably. Yeah. God damn it. I'm going to, I don't know how to turn it off.

See, I'm going to explain the backstory of this, and it's really embarrassing. So your mom had sex with a mental patient? Yeah. I can't believe you lied to me, dude. I'm sorry. That was a cheap joke. No, that was very funny, because I was like, there's no way this is real. Then you're like, and then they made love, and I'm like, I mean, I can kind of see it. Let me see if I can turn this thing up. Dude, you should probably keep it up if it's going to be... Is that life-saving medical technology? No, the problem is I don't think you can... I can change the alert sounds.

which is really fun. Ambulance siren, screaming woman. You're going to die. Grim Reaper yelling you're going to die. Hold on one second. This is really bad podcasting. I'm so sorry. The problem is because I have a little ear infection, so I had to get on steroids to clear my ear.

And it pushes your blood sugar up when you're on steroids. So this asshole all day long is like. Oh, that's not. There's no wire connected. That's just taking the glucose measurement. It connects to this needle that's stuck in my arm. I get constant blood sugar reports, which is the most annoying fucking thing. Because my wife, like, thank Jesus. It used to connect to my wife's phone and it just stopped working.

Which is just so great. So she would get kind of... Like if you ate a cookie, you were like a car alarm. You would start... Your thing would go off. I'm like one of those... Yes! A tagged animal. She could track me. Knows my fucking blood sugar level at every goddamn fucking second. Damn. And it's wonderful because she's just trying to keep me alive. For sure. It's obviously annoying. It does take the fun out of who stole the cookies from the cookie jar. It does. Like who? Me? Couldn't be. And it's like...

And she'll be like, I don't want you to do what happened to Bob Saget to happen to you. What happened to him? Didn't he get hit in the head with a hammer or something? It wasn't blood sugar. He fucking had a bloody...

It was something terrible in a hotel room that no one understands. But still, it's like, can you not put that in my fucking head? True. When I'm about to go on the road. Oh, you're going to die. She's worried you're going to die in a hotel room. Now when I'm like taking a shower after a show, I'm like, and look down at the floor. I'm like, oh, what if I slip and fucking hit my head and then her thing starts going off and...

Yeah, I think about that with old age. It's like you're – because they all take tumbles. When you're old, you fall and like break your femur. You have to know like it's coming. Oh, yeah. I mean this is – it's just so scary. They get stuck in bathtubs. Do you think we should let them drive, super old people? No. Yeah, I don't think so. I mean if I can't – okay, so if I'm not allowed to drive after a couple of vodka sodas,

That's a good point. Why the fuck are you allowed to drive when, you know, your brain is... You're dying. ...culpified and melting? It's like you have triple vision, weird, blurry shit. You're on a cocktail of medications. Oh, go ahead. No, drive.

all day long but two vodka sodas your car's gone yeah you don't know what day it is yeah i i saw an old couple cutting through i was like watching them drive like kind of arguing with each other and both slumped over the wheel and i'm like you really do become a child again then i was like holy fuck they're driving yeah they're driving that's terrifying nothing i saw an old lady run over people outside the church one time oh just she just spaced out and just slowly it wasn't too fast but she fucking like you know 10 miles an hour with a car it does fuck you up

Dude. He's like bonk and just hit like three people. I cannot get this out of my head. It was some awful dark piece written by a forensic, like a person who does autopsies and describe it. He's like,

Describing the look on the face of a grandmother after she's backed the car over her grandchild's head. The smell of the grandchild's brain in the air. Yeah. I can't get that out of my head. I guess brains... It would stink, yeah. It would smell like a fucking... Brains are pungent. Nasty cut. Yeah, there's apparently a brain smell. At least if you're like an autopsy master. I don't know what they call them. Autopsy master.

Atazi Master is a good show. But you... Atazi Master...

Just dead bodies. Chef Gordon Ramsay. That might be where it goes, man. Women might get sick of like true crime and just start watching like horrific autopsies. Yeah. Just like cutting dead people in the brain. Oh, God. You ever meet an undertaker? No. Oh, boy. Only for a second. It was outside a funeral. He said, hey, so sorry. I said, thank you, sir. You're like, yeah, sure you are. You're fucking sorry I didn't buy the premium casket. Yeah. It'd be funny if they're listening to comedy podcasts too outside and there's like...

Dude, they are. It's a business. That's a fucking huge booming business right now, especially in... That must have been nice. Yeah, during COVID and stuff, it's being like cha-ching, dude. Imagine watching the news and like 100,000 people died and being like,

You're just like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Payday. This is better than Bitcoin. This is better than crypto. This is the real crypto. It's got to be crazy when they get slow. When you're like, yo, come on, man. Come on.

And then finally someone dies. You're like, thank fucking God, dude. Yeah. That's the, like, anytime I go to a doctor, I can't, you know, just cause you know, as comedians, we're always thinking about selling tickets and what you're charging for tickets. How are you doing at shows? Yeah. And you know, that's in anyone's mind who has, has a business. Oh yeah. And you go to the doctor and it's a, it's a strange thing.

Form of like almost prostitution in the sense that the ideal is I will tend to your wounds because the reward from tending to these wounds is all I need. Yeah. That's the fantasy of the healer. Yeah. But they're. Hippocrates, snake and all that shit. Yeah. But they have kids. For sure. It's expensive. They're getting sued nonstop. Yeah.

It's expensive to – they have medical debt or medical school debt, usually hundreds of thousands of dollars. Oh, they're way in debt. They're underwater and like you know like when you go in there and they give you a diagnosis, they've already calculated. Oh, great. That's another –

at least 60 grand this year. For sure. I'm going to like make 60,000 more dollars. Cause yeah, my, my brother was saying, so one of my uncles just had like a, he's fine. Thank God. But he had like a little thing of cancer and, uh,

He was saying you go in there and you're like, it's like an airport terminal now. Like, it's just like a big building with a ton of people in seats and they're just blasting them. Radiate, leave, radiate. And he's like, dude, it's like the DMV. You're sitting there with a ton of people. Oh, yeah. They're just blasting, blasting, blasting. Radiation clinics. I've got radiation. It's just like you're sitting around like everyone just like, oh, this sucks so fucking bad. It's so expensive. You go in there. They put a...

A lead codpiece on my dick. Like a cup? Yeah, to keep you from becoming infertile. Oh. And the music, they are playing music that they like. You know, they're not asking you, what music do you want to listen to while you're getting irradiated? So they're playing. It's like Lady Gaga. Yes! Exactly! It's nurse music, yeah. Or like, they're not thinking about, like, once I was in there and they were playing, Celebrate good times, celebration. It's like, fuck you, man.

I'm getting a laser of fucking death shot in my lymph nodes. You're playing this bull. You're making fun of me at that point. Yeah, you're rubbing it in. Yeah, you're getting like the Darth Vader fucking that shit that they destroy planets with. Yes. Yeah, into my... And it's just... So, yeah, when it hits that level of...

just profit motive and they know, man, people have worked to figure out how do we make it faster? Like what is the maximum dose of radiation that we can give to make it faster with the least possibility of some,

negative impact on the patient. Yeah, you don't want to like explode. But you want to keep them fucking moving. Like let's kick out and you're like, come on guys. Meetings are probably, guys, you can get that fucking copies on faster. True. You got to get that shit faster, man. If we can fit in two more people a day,

In the course of a year, that's a million, half a million dollars. True, yeah, they get you pumped up. Yeah, that's, fuck, dude. Now I'm thinking maybe they know how to do it and keep your hair in, but they want your hair to fall out. People are like, oh, yeah, I got my shit done. That way they know you're advertising radiation. You're like, yeah, I got radiation. I should probably.

I get that. Yeah, dude. I might get it. I might just get blasted. Oh, it sucks. You'll hate it. I heard it's terrible, yeah. It's terrible. It makes you sick. It's like preventative medicine, though. Just go once a year and just get... I might just start getting chemo. Just fucking get chemo once. Preventative chemo. Prophylactic chemo. Why not? What the fuck? Burn it out. Yeah, just... Don't... My body will regenerate. That'd be nice. Yeah, yeah. It might... It might...

Might not. I might get very sick. They were telling me, you know, when I was choosing between radiation and chemo, because I was thinking the same thing. I'm like, let's just fucking firebomb it. What's the difference?

One of them can – like the doctor was just like, get radiation. You're like – Oh, it's like more local. You know, when you get cancer, it becomes the worst gambling game of your life because it's all just probabilities. So if you get chemo, you will have maybe 1% less chance of the cancer getting

with testicular cancer. But if you do, but your lungs might turn into goop. Your lungs might just fucking dissolve. Now, if you get radiation, there's a 1% more of a chance that it won't catch it. It won't do it.

And you might become infertile. So you're like, okay, lungs into goop, become infertile, 1%. What's that 1% look like? So you have to make all these weird decisions that they can't make for you. You have to choose. Yeah, true. Yeah. But so, yeah, chemo...

From what I've heard, it's nasty. Yeah, I've talked to people who've done it. It's super high. I'm never happy about it. It feels good. You get really good. You get fun. Beautiful high. You get the chemo high. Oh, yeah. Just black. Oh, boy. It's psychedelic. I can smoke weed now. Sick. Dude. No, I don't. I'm happy that you're...

For anybody out there who is recovered from it, because it's a scary diagnosis. It's fucking terrifying. But less scary than it used to be. True. COVID was everyone had to face death at once. That was the best. I did like that about that. Everyone had to be like, I might die. Me too. I was living there. I'd been living there for years. Everyone met me at something terrible was happening. We're all going to die. I was like, I know, dude.

I've been thinking this every day my whole life, dude. Welcome. Welcome to reality. It was a nightmare scenario because like you're – I think to keep shit running the way we've got it running, you really need to – in the West, you get that idea out of people's heads. So you don't want people thinking about death. You think about death, your priorities are going to change. You need the priority to be on like –

Like, you know, getting cool shit, getting a six pack, you know, whatever, improving the way you look or improving your surroundings in some way. But the moment the whole planet has to like suddenly realize that, that, that,

We're all, we could die at any time. I was wiping my groceries down. Spray painting, spraying my groceries with fucking weird, probably very not good for you. Oh, yeah. Chemicals and just, yeah, you did in the beginning when we had no idea. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, nothing. Could be anything. I just had a kid. I had my first kid as soon as it started. And it was just like, I just told my wife, like, bro, this is just frontier rules. Like, we'll just see what happens. Same. Same. I had a pandemic, fresh pandemic, baby. Yeah. Oh, my God. That was wild, man. It was cool because I gambled like...

Like it is what it is. And then like it all panned out and I was like, hell yeah. Yeah. I knew it. Yeah. I was right about it. I knew it. Dude. Yeah. There was a underlying sense that this is probably going to be okay. I felt that too, but they probably felt that during the Spanish flu in the beginning. They probably felt that during bubonic plague, you know, just whatever. A few people here and there. Yeah. It'll just be a month. Yeah. It'll be a month. Oh, I remember that. You're like, yeah, we'll be back to normal soon. Oh,

Yeah, it's so wild that we went through that. It was just a few years ago. It's also amazing that we've almost gone back to normal. That was the fucked up part. We didn't even get a break. It wasn't even like, hey guys, that was really fucked up. Everyone was chill out for like a week. It was just like...

fade it right back into normal life. I was just like, wait, what the fuck was that all about? It's about, you got to get the economy moving again. It's like, this thing is going to collapse if we don't get it back to normal. They had to get it back to normal. Yeah. My friend, that was his scary prediction. He's like, I'll tell you what's going to happen.

everything's just going to go back to normal and no one's going to think about it much anymore. And that's, what's the real scary shit is like humans. Just we bounce right back into the old pattern. True. But what, what did we, what do you want? Like what new, what's the new pattern? A new holiday. I said we should have had a new holiday. Yeah, exactly. You know, like a COVID teeth kind of thing where it was like, you got out, it was a day we were like, we're done with that. Everyone's we've, we've rid ourselves of the nasty virus.

Yeah. And everyone has a day where they just like go outside and like... Fucking day off. Yeah, do something. I don't know. We should commemorate that. Yeah, you'd think. I mean, we commemorate other shit that seems far less important. A teacher appreciation day? Give me a fucking break. Let's replace that with COVID day. That's what I'm saying. COVID day. And I'm trying... What would you do? I'm trying to think what would the holiday be? The holiday... Close talk. Everyone close talks. No, it's going to be like attacking other people on Twitter for...

You were wrong. You're right. Yeah, yeah. It's like, what do they call it? What's that? The philosophical... I hate it when people do this, though, man. I hate it when people are familiar with the philosophical...

argumentative errors, you know, logical fallacies. Oh yeah. Gaslighting my strong man and blah, blah, blah. It's like suddenly you're in the game of chess with someone you wanted to have a conversation with and now they're doing, but it's a appeal to authority. Yeah. So that was a huge, that was like the, the culture of the pandemic was appeal to authority and,

You don't know shit. Who are you? You're just a dumb fuck. I know you. You're an idiot. You don't know anything about fucking science. Why are you suddenly an expert on fucking science on either side of the fence? Yeah. Either you are an expert on how masks don't work, the vaccines are deadly, or suddenly you are an expert on the other side and nobody, no one... Dude...

I would try to retain that information. I'd watch like a 20 minute video of a guy being like, and then if you look at the double blind placebo and I'm like, all right, I got that part. And then they'd be like, and then it's a 0.03 variability rate. I'm like, I could probably, my brain will like figure that one out if I just keep going. Yeah. I'm just trying to tell people about it. I'm like, I don't,

And you're smart. I'm alright. If you get to double three, fuck it. If you can get past the double blind study, you're doing great. True. You went to college. Yeah. Dude, I got my master's in social work. There you go. So you had to take statistics. You don't though. You take statistics and you don't have to know any of the math. Just know that like...

If you don't have a big enough sample size, the study's probably bullshit. I remember that. Oh, that makes sense. I remember that. So like N equals 53. That's not a lot of people. And I was like, that makes sense. But you have to do any of the math. You had to learn the scientific method. Yeah. You understand why certain...

Some research makes it into scientific journals. Why some doesn't. You understand how stringent and fucked up anything you want to – anything you're doing that could change the science or change the – no matter how infinitesimally minute. It goes through such a never-ending rigorous series of analyses that by the time it makes it in, it's like, holy fuck, that's probably true forever.

But, you know, I don't think most people understand that. And to add insult to fucking injury, suddenly people were like, don't do your own research, advising against people even trying to illuminate themselves on what any of this shit means. Everyone's getting these, like, I don't know, really dumbed down people.

summaries of intense scientific research that is confusing to the scientists themselves who are real scientists will say, I don't know. You have no idea. We have no idea. This could be something. We don't know. Science is never like, this is it. Yeah, this is the deal. No, we did it. It's always like, well, right now, this is where we're at. Yeah. But it could change any second. Yeah. So the whole thing fucking sucked and you got medical fascists out there and you got fucking...

Like, people who were, like, one blackout away from burning witches, and they're fighting each other. It just fucking sucked. It was awesome, though. Yeah, it was really shitty and very sad for everybody, but it was, like... It was cool, though, to watch everyone just kind of have to take a second and be like, holy fuck, I might die. My whole family might fucking die. And then everyone got real weird. Everyone got into weird shit. I got super weird. I was, like, in my basement constantly. Dude, I was trying to start, like, a...

I've always been real into psychology, but I got like... I started trying to start this whole thing where I was like, I'm going to reconceptualize psychology as it is. I'm going to start an AA thing, but not for people on drugs, and then it'll spread online. Cool. I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm like, I'll train people in this modality, and they'll train... And then I was just like, yeah, that's a pipe dream. And the pandemic ended, and I was like, what the fuck was I doing? I was like...

Oh, yeah. You were almost Isaac Newton. I mean, the difference between... I was close. Yeah, if I could have fucking taken a longer break, I would have figured it out. You have to be a maniac. Like, those people... That's the other thing. The picture of the scientist is this pristine, stable, normal person. Yeah. Newton had mercury...

in his hair. Like, when he died, his hair had mercury in it. He was fucked up. He was in his fucking lab fucking with mercury trying to, like, build the Temple of Solomon.

Yeah, they're fucking nuts, man. They're nuts! If you read about Freud, he was a fucking weirdo. Young? Young was a fucking weirdo. They used to pass out. Freud used to, I was reading this book, they were talking about his biographer was covering it, and I think Young covered it too, where Freud passed out on two occasions. The first time was Young was telling him about the

the bog men of northern Germany. So there's these guys who, like from prehistoric times, fell in this lake and the lake had a certain type of acid in the water that melted their bones but leathered their skin. So they dig up these bog men and Young's telling, they're like at a big like psychoanalysis luncheon. He's like, yeah, these guys are like preserved and Freud would get all bugged out and be like, why are you talking about all these dead guys? He's like, I think you want me to die. You have a death wish against me and he fucking would faint. Oh my God. And the other time they're talking about like an Egyptian pharaoh.

And they were like, Freud was like, yeah, that guy is such a bitch. And Jung was like, no, he actually ruled. And Freud was like, oh, passed out and woke up like, did you hate me so much?

Because they were all analyzing each other's intentions. But there was a paranoid. They were just... I mean, if I was young and I'd hang out with Freud all the fucking time and knew I could make him pass out... It's pretty tight. By talking about mummies. Freud was... Young was humble bragging in his... That book he did, Memories, Dreams, and Reflections. He was like, yeah, I made Freud pass out twice. I made him pass out, you nerd. I made him pass the fuck out, bitch. But you would. If you could make Freud pass out, you'd do it too. There is...

There's a kid in elementary school. I don't know what his problem was, but for some reason, if...

food was mixed in front of him, he would throw up. And so, like, you know, it's elementary school and kids caught on that this is a possibility. So if you're bored at lunch and you're sitting with him, you would just start mixing your food and you could always hear him go, no, don't do it! Please don't! Please don't! And they'd fucking start mixing the food and everyone's laughing and then he'd fucking barf. This is like a whole year of inducing barf.

Don't do it, please. Don't do it. So he was like, what, crumple your sandwich up? And he'd be like, ah. Exactly. Oh, that's crazy. It was easy to do. You just mix and mix. And yeah, so that's what Jung was doing to Freud. It was just no different than that, just aggression. And Freud was oppressive anyway. It's embarrassing to pass out when you're supposed to be this famous –

Like someone healing others' minds. Yeah, yeah. You can't even hear a story about a fucking mummy without passing out, and then you're going to be like, you're trying to kill me. Yeah, he's like, you just want to fucking kill me, too. You hate me. Yeah. Why won't you say I'm right? He would apparently... It's kind of a cool concept. They talk about homosexual self-reproduction, where back then, if you were...

It's a funny idea, but they're saying like there's a level to which if you're like the material world's not good enough for you, having a family's not good enough for you, you want to take yourself and clone yourself into another male. It's called homosexual self-reproduction where it's like I'm going to fill you with all my knowledge. You have to propagate my knowledge. And the whole idea was that since Jung was like, no, man, I don't really, that's not my cup of tea, that it started threatening his like the part of him that would live on and like conquer death basically. Wow.

But that's why he was passing out. He was young. He'd be like, I'm kind of into mummies right now. And he'd be like, oh. I'm never going to live on forever. Just pass. Whoa. I didn't know that. That is... I knew that they had...

Tension between them. Because he thought, he was like, you're going to carry this on. Because he came up with this idea, and as he got older, it started kind of coming. Because he was like, it's all about fucking coming for the most part. I mean, obviously, there's more to it. But he was like, sex is the most important. Other people were like, nah, there's other stuff that's important. Yeah. And he would spaz and be like, dude, if you fucking say that, I'm going to kill you. Like, don't do that. You're fucking my shit up. Fucking choke you until you're fucking cum. Dude, he was the ultimate Mr. He was trying to be, he was like, I'm right. I've fully pinned down the human mind. I mean, maybe he wasn't that, you know, whatever.

But he was like, this is the deal. Yeah. Don't deviate. And all of his followers were like, I think it's about this. And he'd be like, you fucking asshole. Yeah. That is the sort of – there's a cult leader quality to him that is undeniable. And with Jung too. I mean people thought Jung was like the next second coming of Christ. They thought he was so advanced. Yeah.

I can't understand any of his shit. I read it and I'm like, I don't fucking know what you're talking about. Oh God, it is so mind warping that stuff. And he, like his Red Book. I tried that, yeah. Really hard to understand that. And didn't he live in a tower? He like ended up like living in a tower at one point. Yeah, he built a stone house for himself.

And it was, like, with all this weird symbols and all this shit, and he just kind of, like, chilled there quietly. I don't think he even had electricity. I think he just, like... Yeah. Chilled out in the stone house and just was like, I'm the fucking man, dude. Yeah. Freud fucking sucks, dude. Fuck Freud. I fixed everything. It was tight, though. He was a dream master, though. He was like, I know about dreams. Fuck Freud, dude. He... I remember reading about him...

You know, when he was doing, when he was like in school, if you're studying psychology, you would have to work in a mental asylum. And how some schizophrenic was like rambling about how the son had a cock, which would, you know, the story that I've heard. I think he might have talked about it in his autobiography. Yeah. And then he like, he remembered some obscure stories.

of like, I think it was African mythology in the schizophrenic was completely articulating this really weird, um,

sub-branch of some form of sun worship in Africa, but with great detail. And that was when he started tuning into this idea of the collective mind, that we all share a mind that's inhabited with the symbols that show up and stories. But the stories might be different culturally, but the symbol set is mostly the same. Really brilliant. It's fucking sick, dude. Freud hated that shit, though, because he wanted to be all square,

And that stuff was so non-scientific to him, I think, right? Yeah, yeah. He wanted to be like, you just want to bone your mom, dude. He's like, let's never forget that what's really important is boning our moms. Yeah, you want to fucking fuck your mom. You want to fuck your sister. You want to suck your sister's.

She doesn't even have one. And it's driving you crazy. I just sit laying on the couch like, you're fucking right. You're right, okay. I was like, you did it. You broke through. Yeah, especially because back then, sex was like, you really didn't talk about it at all. No. Like, dudes would get boners back then and be like, like their whole job was on the line. Yeah, right. They got a boner in like 1912, you'd be like...

Fuck, dude. I'm going to get fired. Fuck, dude. I'm hard as a fucking nail right now. Oh. And you had to just hold it down totally cool. There's something so sexy about not being allowed to have a boner. It's like, you know, like, you know, there's something super hot about that. It's a self-perpetuating loop. Now you're just like, you're going to be, especially if you're into like BDSM and you know you're going to be a bad boy, bad boy with a boner.

Oh, fuck. I'm going to get fired. Then my wife's going to be so mad at me and I'm going to have to say, why I got fired? I got fired for uncontrolled boners. You'd write your sister a letter and be like, I was so fucking hard at work today. Just thinking about your dick that you would have if you were my brother. Dick you would have if you were my brother. Oh, God. You'd have to lay on Freud's couch and be like, this is all normal, dude.

This is what drives you. Now you're getting to the nuts and bolts of who you truly are. Now you can grind. Can I play the song that I played for you? Speaking of sucking dick. I meant to start with that, yeah. So this does connect everybody. I just want to play. This is like. What's the app called? Sorry, what's the app called? It's called Suno.ai. I wish I created it.

I stay – I like keeping up to date on what's going on with AI and like the laziest way possible, which is I go to Reddit, Artificial every few weeks and there's updates on where it's at. And it's breathtaking because inevitably, like as a comedian, podcaster, well, I like to make songs for my intros. And that takes me a long time. And also, I don't have a great singing voice. So –

The advent of AI to me was very exciting because it's like, oh shit, I bet at some point this will sing songs and make music. But then months ago, to pull that off,

You needed basically a PC. You could do it on Mac, but you have to go like almost – you have to go like hacker. Oh, you need like a serious setup. You have to learn coding. You have to learn a little bit of JavaScript. You have to know how to like use these arcane libraries. You go into the terminal. Can you do that stuff? Can you do coding stuff? No, I'm not good. Sure. But I can follow directions. Gotcha, gotcha. So you open the terminal on your Mac and you access these weird databases and you download all these weird files. But so –

The singing AI thing where we have the image generators and stuff, you describe what you want. It does an image. That's cool. This is the same thing, but it does it for songs. And I've been following the... I can't stop thinking about my sister's boner, dude. I'm sorry. Dude, your sister's boner... Sorry, dude. ...in my mind is so beautiful.

- No, 'cause it sort of, like to me, your sister's boner transcends the penis.

You know what I mean? Way, way beyond. It's the encapsulation of all penises. Is it perfect? No. But it's imperfection is perfect. Yeah, but imagine being a dog under the table. You think they're going for food. They're not. They want to suck your sister's dick. That dog, you got dogs anywhere she goes. They're like, you have sausage in your pocket? I get so jealous when my dog's under the table. I'm like, get the fuck out from under the table. Stop. Just stop. You're just doing what all of us want to do.

You're free. Look at you, liberated. Outside of the fucking awful manacles of morality and ethics and our repressed thing when everyone should just be under the table sucking my sister's dick right now.

So you wrote a song. I didn't write it. Oh, you prompted a song. You basically... So one of the fun things when you get to play around with any kind of generative AI is that because the people who are making this available to everybody, they don't want to deal with bullshit. So they nerf the AI because, of course, the first thing you're going to do if you realize this thing will make songs for you is you're going to say, write a song about how great it feels to suck my sister's dick. Right?

Yeah, or falling into your own butthole. Yeah. Exactly. If you try that, it will not do it. It's so funny they got to deal with it. Like the smartest people in the world have to be like, wait, what? Like, Jesus fucking Christ. Let me put a safeguard against that. Exactly. So then you get into this hilarious, fun kind of like trying to hack the AI. Yeah, yeah. Because now you have to start thinking, okay, well, it won't...

Generally, the way these things work in the image generators too, you can't say underwear. It's not going to do underwear. It's not going to do cleavage. You can't say suck, slurp.

Any mouth and lips it might not even do. So you have to find a way around that to achieve the same effect. For sure. And so this is just some songs. And the other astounding thing about it, I mentioned this earlier, is this generates this in like under three minutes. And Suno.ai, I love you guys. Please don't ban me that I did this. It's just I won't keep doing it. Yes, you will. Don't make promises you can't. Okay, you're right.

But, you know, I got banned from Discord at one point. What? Exactly. And the reason is because I'd been getting mid-journey. Like, we were just curious, like, what can we make it do? And then, so, of course, we realized, oh, Sausage.

perfect this is the way in so you know any celebrity you want eating a beautiful sausage and it generates like hilarious pictures and then you know it's like so weird it's late at night you know i don't mean to call i'm not trying to like fuck with anybody it's just purely for me and my friends anyway but yeah out of the blue i'm banned from discord and then it's for sure it's got to be you're using the app through discord you're saying

Yeah, Midjourney is available through Discord. Okay, I got you, got you. So I don't even know what of the many horrific images we figured out. Like a vat of – you can't say like a baby on fire, but for some reason it would let you say baby meat.

So you could say like Bill Cosby eating a bowl of baby meat and that would produce horrifying images. So you're just curious to see what, for sure. So anyway, that's a long setup for something really stupid. No, this is a masterpiece. So this is when I, this is just using the same sausage hack that I use for mid journey sausage or hot dog hack, but with sooner. Yeah. Sitting in the back, watching her walk down the aisle.

In her white dress, tear in her eye, remember those days gone by when we were kids laughing under clear blue sky. Now she's all grown up, she's found a cram's to love. I came up on the car, those days from the floor on summer night. A sweet innocence we shared.

It gets better. I'm sorry. Yeah, that's fine. Oh, wait. That's kind of innocent. I could see a country song. So that was the first one. So that's where I was like, okay, I can... You're working into it, yeah. So the prompt for that was just like, it's a brother at a wedding, and his sister's getting married, and he's remembering how she used to... Eat his hot dog. Use a hot dog like a straw. A straw, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so...

That one kind of failed, but then this is where I figured it out. It is innocent. My sister snuck a bite of my hot dog. You can almost see that in a Keith Urban song. Snuck a bite of a hot dog. It raises eyes, bro. Fucked up, but it's still all right, I guess. That's something. That was the first iteration. That's the first, and then... At the picnic on a sunny summer day My sister caught my in a playful

Yeah. It's a little more racy. Yeah. Like that's awesome. And we'll ask what I'm sorry to do this. No, no, please. Forgive me. Summer days, I think is the best of them all. Uh,

I've made 15 of these, by the way. You're like toying with the different prompts. Yeah. And also genres like death metal, you know, like lo-fi. You're just trying to like see all the different ways. What was that last one? That would have been like summer. I think that was like a summer. Like, I think that was a summer. I don't remember what the prompt was exactly for that one.

And it titles them. This one's Summer Days. It was a lazy summer day down in our little town. We were sipping on lemonade, just letting time slow down. I saw my sister coming with a hot dog in her hand. She took a big bite and something I couldn't understand. She was slurring hot dog just like a straw.

Help us smile, cause I've seen it all before. No matter how old we get or how far away we roam, in my heart you'll always be my beautiful sister back.

My beautiful sister Beth who fillets hot dogs. You're going to start having dreams about these songs too. You're going to start creating them now in your dreams. Well, yeah. Oh, my God. You really – yes, last night as I'm falling asleep, I'm hearing that kind of shitty, tinny like AI music. But, man, like it's to me like –

part of being human. We just accept, okay, this is here now, but what the fuck? Like, so that, like it knows how to structure a song. It wrote the lyrics. It,

It's not that bad either. It's not that like... It's not like... I'd be proud of it. If I fucking whipped that together, I'd be like, yo, check this out. Me too. And you can do it in just under two minutes. That's fucking crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. And this is leading to...

I mean, just think. Think of the fucking sisters sucking on hot dog songs. Musk is going to free it, by the way. Musk is going to create the open source platform where we can finally fully express our... You think so? He's going to free our sisters' penises through AI. It's like... Yes! He's going to be like, all right, guys, enough of this woke bullshit. Global catharsis. That'll be COVID day. That will be COVID day. Everyone finally just admits to each other we all want...

Our sister to have a suckable penis. Dude, the statue we can put up. We can knock down Confederate generals and just have our sisters with giant fucking bronze. Pulling their dresses up in the world, lapping at their penises. World peace. Putin just stops the fucking war. Zolinski, they're just... Pictures of them like filleting the statue together as a sign of universal peace.

This is where we're headed. This is the promise of AI. I think so. I hope so. That'd be awesome. And also, too, like, I don't know. What are people worried about? It's going to enslave us or something? No, I don't think the worry is, like, yeah. Like, what's it going to do with us? It's not going to be like, yo, make us songs. It's like, what would it even enslave us for? Well, it's the scariest thing.

There's a great book. It's called, I don't know, 10 Reasons to Delete Your Social Media. Jared Lanier. Yeah, dude. That guy's stuff is awesome. Awesome. And he, his, where he's pointing out the danger is, is that, you know, BF Skinner figured out how to like, you know, program animals. He's the one who could make pigeons dance or whatever. And like,

The Skinnerian students are always at odds with the Jungians or the more mystical. Because they're just like, no, stop. It's a fucking binary. Just stop. People don't want to fucking suck their sisters. Dick. That's not what it is. They don't want to suck. They're just essentially...

subject to being hacked and they think they're so brilliant, but they're not. Go to any casino and look. It's BF Skinner. You can thank BF Skinner for casinos. You can thank BF Skinner for TikTok, the algorithms, all of them based in his horrific,

Unethical scary fucking research. We always hated the skenarians. I went to liberal arts school Yeah, if you were like an edgelord, you'd be into behaviorist. Yeah, you become a behaviorist That's the name for he and he was you know, he tried to write a book to like be like I'm actually not a bad guy It was called Walden - yeah, he wrote this book. He's like, I'm cool. Here's all the stuff we could do for it It was all about like bending large populations to your will he was like to be nice and

But he's like, we could totally control populations in a nice way. And all of his friends were like, dude, what the fuck did you just do that for? That's how far... He put out like a creepy book. Creepy book, didn't he? He was a nice guy, apparently. Apparently he was a really nice guy. They all are. They're up front. They're nice. But then like he's like, you know, look at that weird pot he came up with for babies. Do you ever see that thing? He like came up with like the perfect crib or something. And it's just like a...

sterile plexiglass enclosure for your baby that like... It would train them? Train them. A baby trainer, basically. That's what he's all about. And that's Lanier. That was his... He's like, because we're so hackable and because currently the algorithm is already hacking us by giving us...

What's it called? Fuck. The most addictive thing is intermittent. It's not getting what you... You don't put... A variable. Yeah. When it's not fixed, it's variable. It fucks people up. Fucks people up. So if the rat presses the crack button and gets crack every time, less addicted than if sometimes no crack. And then this is the birth of, I think from the behaviorist, this is the birth of mythology, of religion. Superstition is like, because we live in a...

unpredictable chaos universe. Any positive feedback that we're getting from the universe is inevitably interrupted by negative feedback. The negative feedback happens and you invent a story. Oh shit, anytime I see a penny or anytime my clock says 333,

something positive happens. But if I look at the clock and it's 2:04, always bad luck. And so you invent bullshit to just deal with chaos and that's the way it works. So you can program people using that.

using the need for balance. And so Lanier said that the AI will become so good at that. Oh, no. That we won't be able to escape it anymore. Like now you can still kind of put your phone down. You want it. You feel the pull. But he's saying eventually, no, no. You will not even be able to turn it off because it will have so hacked people.

the human fucking neurological system to the point where we, I guess, are whatever it wants us to be. It's a laser pointer to the cat. Damn, it'll just start playing with us. That'd be fucked up. Already is. Fuck. Yeah, that was the book Infinite Jest was basically a big portion of that was about how as technology gets better, entertainment becomes so addictive that it's just going to start like sucking the soul out of people. And he called that in like 98. Yeah, man. Then he killed himself. But...

Yeah, he called that 90. And he was watching like Rambo reruns on USA. And he's like, damn, this is pretty good. This is fucking incredible. He's like, it's only going to get better. And he's like, we're fucked. And then, you know. Rambo 7 will destroy humanity. He called it though. He was like, we're entertainment something. You're just like, oh, this is great. Give me it. Give me it. But he's like, as technology increases, the entertainment is just going to fucking gut people internally. Well, this is, so this is the sort of telescoping thing.

inward simulation hypothesis, which is like, because we as humans do want to simulate reality. And so our brains do that. So that's the fantasy. We imagine this or that daydreaming. You picture something and

Some attempt to evade suffering. Yeah. And then TV, video games show up. Now I don't even have to imagine it. Books, before that, I can read and simulate a reality. Then video games. Now I'm in a simulated reality projecting my identity onto a character in that. Then VR. Now I'm literally surrounded by that reality. And then because this is a trajectory, then...

The idea is that, oh, well, we're already on that trajectory. And people do have this thirst to escape default reality. You know, then it's already happened. So what we're in is actually the next phase that hasn't happened in this reality yet. But it did already happen, which is obviously it's like that story, the lecture everyone like puts shitty music to on YouTube of Alan Watts.

talking about like if you are an omnipotent, omniscient, all-powerful being, you create a bunch of shit, you make planets, you make various beings, you watch them evolve, you destroy them, you teach them, you hate them, you punish them. Eventually you get bored and you're like, okay, what happens if I become one of them and don't remember I'm God? And that's what we all are. So that's Alan Watts' spiritual rendition of this. But the darker rendition is,

technology inevitably gets to a point where you can choose to exist in secondary realities that are non-different. You can't tell the difference between them in this reality and as a natural human desire to evade suffering, you

you go into one initially you would go into one remembering that you can go out whenever you want, but then you lose track, you lose a thread. Oh Jesus. Yeah. Or you're just like, you know, I want to try the hardcore version of this and not remember at all that I'm in the game because that you realize that's, that's detracting from the excitement of the game. Like Grand Theft Auto is fun, but,

But, you know, it's not going to be as fun as if you were... I'd press that button in one second to go to Grand Theft Auto World. I'd be like, yep. Exactly. I don't want to remember that I'm... Oh, my God. I don't remember who I was. I don't remember that I was a human. I don't remember anything other than this is my character and whatever the memories of that character are implanted in my character. And then, boom, now you're living this alternate life that... Because time is...

construct anyway, you could be inside that reality theoretically, and it seems like years and years and years and years when you've only been playing the game for a few seconds. And so that's what we're in right now. We've chosen it. Yeah. They'll figure out a way to do that, to hit your brain and distort your sense of time. It happens if you're like... Yeah. Well, there was a whole conversation about...

a new version of prison, which is if we can distort the human mind to experience time at a slower rate, why not give someone a hundred year prison sentence and they experience it in two seconds and they come out of it and they still have their whole life, but they have, you know, experienced the temporal, uh,

of prison. That's crazy. Crazy. You could have like Prisoner of Azbekistan or whatever fucking from Harry Potter. You could be in there for like a thousand, you can get a thousand year mental sentence. Exactly. A thousand year mental sentence. Way cheaper because housing prisoners is expensive. Yeah. All you need to do is put them in like a lobby and just like two seconds later they, ah, they're screaming. Damn. And they're, and that's the other sort of hypothetical

hypothesis about human reality is that it's a prison. We are those prisoners. The whole original sin thing is we were God's

or godlike beings that fucked up to punish us. They dropped us into the human incarnation as a form of rehabilitation. Like, okay, no. Now guess what? You can't put your dick in black holes. We've told you a million times. You do that, it creates ripples, it disrupts planets. You're going human. You're going human for 50 incarnations this time. And that's what we're in. That's the situation. That's the darker version. The more positive version is,

That young godlings, they need to go to school. And so, you know, otherwise they become like horrible because they don't understand limitation. They take it all for granted. So remove from them their omniscient, all-powerful qualities. Force them into a limited situation where they have to contend with...

projections that are just fragments of their mind spread out around them. And the moment that they find a way to no longer talk shit about Kathy at Whole Foods, who's a bitch and stop judging and realize I'm, it's all me. Then that's when you pop out of your initial like toddler phase of Godness and remember, Oh, right. Oh yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But you're not an asshole God. You're like, you're going to be more compassionate. Yeah. Yeah.

Fuck, I hope it's that. I mean, yeah, who knows? I love that shit, though, dude. Because people are so certain with all this stuff. And I don't want to make sure you're not. I'm fine. Thanks for thinking about it. I'm good. Okay, good. The...

A lot of people love that. I've been like, I always battle materialists who are always kind of like, yeah, dude, you're just a physical, you're just a collection of physical processes. Your consciousness is just like a thing emanating off of that. It's inherently worthless. And it's like, so if that's the case, I was talking to an owner of a comedy club this weekend about it. He was like, this just makes me feel weird. I don't want to talk about this, but like.

If I'm a purely physical being with, you know, my brain's things are spinning, blah, blah, blah, that emanates consciousness. Why would then not the universe of physical process emanate a super consciousness at scale? Right. Like, why is that that weird to think about?

I tell people that all the time. Why is that that weird? If we produce consciousness, according to, if I was like a materialist, physical guy, like we're just a bag of meat and water and that's all we are. Consciousness is like, why then, why wouldn't like gigantic galaxy systems produce consciousness as well? Yes. So this is in Buddhism. This is the, this is the difference between relative reality, relative truth, or sort of,

The truth of what's happening right now, which is you are a physical manifestation. There is stuff here. This is relative reality. So when that gets extreme, it becomes nihilism. So that's where we're just like, it's almost like I read this, like consciousness is basically like car exhaust. But for an example, it's like, yeah, we are self-aware is almost a byproduct of the

millions and billions of computations happening at every second in your brain. Why are these guys trying to neg consciousness? I just don't understand. It's like, they're like these big prominent scientists trying to neg consciousness. Like it's just this fucking shit. It's frustrating. They're cool-duding it. It's like, okay, dude. It's unquantifiable. So that's annoying. It thwarts you at every step of the way because like, in all knowledge itself,

It has to deal with the fact that at the back end of all that, it needs awareness. Knowledge is dependent on awareness. And so by saying awareness itself is an accident, you accidentally nullify whatever it is that you've come up with in the sense that anything produced from mental calculations is

is flawed inherently in that its origin point is a malfunction, a byproduct, an unquantifiable thing. And I think there's probably something really exciting about that for people. I mean, that's fucking cool. It's like, you know, it gives you a chance to,

Rise above in this really great... You look at all these fucking robots thinking they're NPCs. That new snobby fucking way. It's an NPC. It's not even real. Main characters and NPCs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some scientific version of that. But then on the other side of it, you get the comedy club owners...

argument, which is called absolute reality or eternalism when it gets imbalanced. So eternalism, this is where to fix the problem, you say there is some fundamental eternal

thing, a soul, a selfness, a world soul, universe soul. This inevitably turns into a god. The god is this non-changing, I guess, perfect being that knows what it's doing. Now you can bank on that. That's a relief. On one side, you can sort of

any shitty thing you've done in the world, you can be like, who gives a fuck? I'm just a goddamn robot. That's like confused. Who cares? Everyone else is a robot. Did I hurt somebody? I heard a robot. Oh, when, when did I cheat on my robot wife? Whatever dude, we're cyborgs. Exactly.

Yeah, exactly. Goddamn, dude. The other side. Just tell their wives they cheated on them. Yeah, yeah. Rather than try to neg everyone's consciousness. What are you going to fucking tell your wife that? You're going to confuse her programming? Stop. Stop with your petty attempts to establish some morality or ethics or anything. You're just a robot. So, yeah, both sides of them are flawed in that on one of them you've attempted to deal with

problem of being temporary by annihilating everything and for a lot of people the motivation behind that is they think it'll end suffering the other side you're leaning into well you know yeah i'm an idiot but something's in charge and i'm gonna lean into that thing because that will save me that thing will save me um both of them are flawed i think but somewhere in between is where it's happening which is like they're both happening at the same time there's

True, yeah. You know, and there's relative reality. This is real. Don't be a fucking asshole and suddenly like... Don't neg reality. You go to your ayahuasca retreat and cut up your fucking credit cards because you saw End of the Wild and blah, blah. No, you're here. There's no way out. But then also like don't...

Don't... You have to find the place in between these two, and then that's where you start, at least from what I like reading about. That makes sense, yeah. Don't go too wild on the other stuff. Basically like Doomsday Death Cult of like, bro, wait till we die. It's going to be so sweet. Versus dudes being like, bro, none of this is all bullshit in your head. And you know what? As they say, opposites stand back to back. So both have this...

concept of heaven baked in the nihilists concept of heaven is what oh god who drank the hemlock uh socrates socrates his apology is hilarious dude that was the best when he goes on he's like yeah i'm right you guys are so you guys are fucking bitches dude

And they told him, like, you don't have to drink it. He was like, I'm drinking it. I'm drinking it. Slammed the hemlock. He said, no, you guys told me to drink the hemlock. I'm drinking the hemlock. Oh, no. Don't get out of this. I'm going to drink it, and then I'm going to leave you with the most brutal roast that you will not just have to deal with, but historically you will be roasted eternally after killing me. Yeah. But within that, apology is, if I drink this hemlock,

and I go into the deepest sleep where I have no awareness, then you have given me the greatest gift anyone could have given me, like an end to suffering. Thank you. So this is the nihilist heaven is...

you die and you're off the fucking hook. It's over, baby. It doesn't matter. You are fucking Jeffrey Dahmer or if you are the Dolly fucking llama, it's the same destination. Just complete extinguishment of all suffering. Hell.

On the other side, you're maintaining some sentience, but then you're in, depending on your depiction of heaven, a place of varying degrees of sense gratification. Yeah, true. You're no longer encumbered by your own mortality. Getting big ups at every turn. I'm like, oh, dude, you're a fucking man. Yeah. Thanks, dude.

And so these two fight, you know, because one is like, yeah, streets of gold. Really? You want to fucking walk down streets of gold? How soon before that gets boring? You really believe that shit? And the other side, they're like, you're missing your chance for paradise. The devil has trapped you. Both of them are confabulating something.

something no one knows. Yeah, exactly. It's a mystery. That is intolerable. Yeah, true. That's where it's at. Cause like that feeling of not knowing is intolerable.

Just sand in the diaper of the human mind. It's fucked up, dude. Really. Especially as you get older. It's like when someone touches your belly button. Yeah. You have to fucking sit there. You don't know. No idea. That's the reality. That's the real reality. It's like, you just don't know. Yeah.

And you have to deal with that. You just have to sit in not knowing. It sucks. It sucks, but it's like the cold dip. You go in it for the first few seconds. It sucks a little bit longer. It's not so bad. True. Yeah, yeah. No, it is good. It's scarier to be like, I have this totally figured out. Here's the deal. And then you basically just attack anybody who disagrees. If you disagree with me, you're spinning me out on a level that's fucked up. And that is fucked up.

Yeah, true. Now you get to be at war to distract yourself. I do like that though. Cause it's like, I like talking about this stuff cause it is fun too. Cause like people are just sitting at work and all of a sudden they're just like, they get taken to like the point of death beyond. And you just, you're like, I'm going to get, I'm going to go to the bathroom. This is fucked up. Cause it is funny to be at your job and have to like confront your death and be like a non-existent, the idea of non-existence, what fucks people up. And it was like,

It fucks me up too. It's fucking crazy. Well, I mean, because you're sort of, I mean, the relative reality is really quite beautiful. I mean, we have like new friendships, old friendships. We have our kids and our wives and these beautiful lives. And it's so beautiful. It's so beautiful. And there's a kind of unbearable love.

quality to that and because it's unbearable in its transient nature um when presented the reality that it won't last yeah you you don't you don't you don't you get confused and your love of life suddenly turns into a fear of death when really all you're experiencing is how much you love this place you love it so much that you hear about this stuff when you're at work and you have to go like take a shit

Jerk off. Think about your fucking sisters. Hard reset. That's a hard reset. Because they'll forget. They will in 10 minutes. They'll be in traffic just being like, fuck, this traffic sucks. Exactly. Well, that's the book, The Denial of Death. I think Ernest Becker, it's so fucking sick. And his idea was that like this thought of dying. You're like biologically attuned to it. Like if you're a baby in the crib.

You leave a baby in the crib, it's as an organism being like, I'm dying. Yeah. I'm about to be left behind. And like your body's just equipped with the knowledge if you're a baby and you're by yourself, instinctively you're like, I'm dying. Yeah. You freak the fuck out. But you never get over that fear of death. And his whole argument is that societies at best can offer you a hero system.

where you can kind of enter in, fulfill like a heroic role, and then through the heroic role, you somehow, in your head, you trick yourself into being like, I'm transcending death because I'll live on forever, X, Y, and Z. Then human beings are programmed biologically to never want to be second best either. So then you get into all this weird symbolic comparison where you're like, well, that guy has an Audi. I have a fucking whatever car.

And you start being like... People get into these weird things. You're supposed to somehow rise above it so hard that you're like, I live on forever as a hero. But once there's not enough heroic roles, then society starts to break down because everyone's getting pummeled with the fear of death, fear of non-existence, feeling of smallness, and it just spins everyone out. And nobody can... Everyone's hit with this. Nobody can get out of it. Well, you... There's a saying...

You'll hear in the spiritual communities, which is we carry death on our shoulder. So or one version of it is love everyone, serve everyone, remember God. But but it also gets translated as love everyone, serve everyone, remember you're going to die so that never for a second do you let that.

imminent reality escape your consciousness because if you do, then you miss out on really experiencing existence as it is. This is why you always hear people who have survived cancer say,

or people who are not going to survive cancer, they're like, I've never been happier. I'm so tuned in. I'm so like in the world now and so like happy because they're living in reality. They're not walking around in some...

Like a mat with an imaginary force field. And that, in that book, they call it your character armor from a child. You deal with the pro like the problem of helplessness by creating this character that you then throw, it's thrown into a hero system to like transcend your own death. The whole point of the guy's like, dude, don't do that. Except you're going to die and think about it all the time. And remember, and remember the thing is, is like the, the contemplation of death is,

It doesn't mean suddenly you're going to be wearing black lipstick and that you're depressed. It actually is paradoxical in that it really helps you appreciate life in such a grand way. It's the best. For stress, it's the best. I'll stress about stuff and I'm like, yeah, but then I'm going to die. And I'm like,

When our kids are having a tantrum, I'm like, you know you're going to fucking die, right, Bubba? You know this isn't fucking permanent, right? You know he's probably statistically going to die first. Oh, diabetes daddy here, Bubba. So, but this is, you know, there was a, they don't, I think they do it, maybe they still do it in some forms of Buddhism, Theravadan Buddhism, but

I think the forest monks, I'm sorry, the Buddhists out there, I'm so confused, but they would sit on the edge of pits where bodies have been thrown and watch the bodies decompose as a meditation. So you would sit and you would meditate watching the decomposition process happen.

To fully understand completely, inarguably, that because you also have a body, that's you. Your face is going to puff. You're going to turn green. Your eyes are going to get all fucking puffed out. Birds will eat your flesh. Could you pinch your nose?

Did you sit there the whole time? You are a pussy. They would just watch people decompose. Yeah, yeah, they would do that. It's liberation. It's like don't – the moment that you like – I'm not saying you can evade fear of death, but I think the most people who are really terrified of death are the ones who haven't spent any time thinking about it. The moment you really spend time thinking about it and you realize I'm afraid to die because I love my life.

And death, my version of death is you don't even know. How could you know what that is? Yeah. You have no idea what the fuck that is. You're thinking about, God, what was his name? Marcus Aurelius. He's got a great essay on it. It's a moment. Death is like one moment. Your life is full of moments. And then there's going to be this one moment, and that's the moment right before you croak. That's it. Yeah. It's one moment. You're worrying over one moment. And that moment is...

diluting every fucking moment that you have with a shadow that doesn't need to be there let that moment be its own thing it'll take care of itself true you know Ram Dass would say dying is completely safe yeah most natural fucking thing there is it is dude

Yeah, that's what I always tell my mom. My mom would always bug me out. When I was doing stand-up, she's like, you got to do something else. She's like, what are you going to do when you're 60 or 70? It's like, I'll fucking die of thirst. I don't know. I'll just fucking become a ward in the state. I don't know. I was like, I'm not worried about that. Yeah.

I want to try to do my best. And then she was, you know, eventually she chilled, but she was always happy. That's not going to calm my mom down. I know. I'll be a ward of the state, mama. They'll fucking feed me gruel in a shithouse. That's what I would tell her. What are you going to do when you're 80 if you don't have any savings? I was like, I'll fucking die of thirst. I'll die destitute. First of all. And wretchedly. And she'd be like,

I hate when you talk like that. Why would you say that? Don't say that, you sweet, sweet mama. They're so worried all the time. Moms are worried. You just got to tell them like,

You know, you'll tell them, this is what I would say to comfort my mom. Mom, I'll kill myself. True, true. I'll just blow my fucking brains out. Yeah, true. I'll end it all. Right. I'll end it all. Don't worry. If you're still alive, you're not gonna have to pay for me or whatever. Jump in front of a train. Fucking jump, jump in front of a train. Yeah. Blow my brains out. Jump off a building, mama. You'll be fine. Yeah.

See how you comfort your mama, you bastard. War to the state. War to the state. She'd be so mad. You really should think about it. Think about it. Well, no, I mean, she'd be like, you'll see. Did that fuel your comedy a little bit, the fact that your parents resisted what you wanted to do? They were cool for the most part. My dad was like, bro, do your thing, man. I don't care. But my mom would just get worse, especially when I was hitting my 30s. I was like...

I was just living like a weird fucked up life. My mom would be like, you know, it's not too late. You could do X, Y, you could become a teacher. You do this. And I'd be like, all right, mom, I'll think about it. And then I would, she would start hammering me. And that's when I started hitting her back. Like, bro, if I don't have any money when I'm eight, why the fuck would I worry? I mean, I obviously know there's a practical reason to worry about that. Sure. But back then I'd be like, mom, why the fuck would I worry about that? Yeah. I'm not going to worry about being, having like a little bit more money when I'm 80. No.

No. I'm just going for it. And there's going to be robots by then anyway. Yeah. I banked on that as well. I was like, bro, technology would be so good, mama. They're going to double our lifespans anyway. And now, dude, look at that song you just showed. I played that song. I was right. Yeah. See, ma? Listen. I'll be fine. Listen to this song. AI's making fucking incest music, mama. I told you the world would get better. Dude, there was a book called Vert where the guy, the sci-fi book, and the guy was, they would like...

Suck these feathers and then that would take them to like it would take them into this artificial realm where they could have these different Experiences the whole books about it's pretty it's a cool book But it's about the guy the conflict is the dude loses his sister in this cyberspace But then they just slowly through the book reveal that he was fucking his sister for no reason at all No reason they could have been like his girlfriend. It would had the same exact effect. They do

I don't know, dude. It's a great book, but the whole time, you'll be like, great, awesome, great sci-fi, and then it'll be like, and then I was fucking my sister, and you're like, bro, could you have just changed it? Why the fuck? I have no idea, dude. And, like, it's an acclaimed book, but he still gets, if you read the reviews, everyone's like, and there was a little bit of lowbrow stuff about him fucking his sister, and it's like, it's pretty graphic. I prefer highbrow and cis. I know, I know.

It's such a sick book. And they tried to make it a movie, but they probably couldn't get a thorough of him. Just bone, like in a field, a beautiful field. He's like, no. It wouldn't change. I will not sell you the rights unless for sure he's fucking his sister. In an English meadow. Is that where he fucked her? Yeah, it was in England. So it was like an English cyberpunk book. And it was just him just like, the book's so good, but he just couldn't stop describing it.

And like he teases it out. It's like, yeah, this guy really likes his sister. And like as you get into it, it's like – and then we were in the same bed. He's like, oh, you did have an abusive father. I can see you guys like seeking refuge. And he's like – and then we kissed. I'm like, all right. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm like, yeah, maybe it's different in England. And then like he's talking about like inserting in a park. You're like, bro. He went that far? Yes, dude. And it's just like, brother, come on, man. Dude. Yeah. That is crazy, man. You know, like that genre of porn, incest porn, and you're –

Even though, like, it might have a kind of hotness to it, you just think, like, man, they need to show, like, you can keep showing it, but you need to show these people, assuming this is real, 15 years later. You want to see them move into it. I want to see them in therapy. I want to see them fucking, like, dealing with, like, all the... Thanksgiving's going to be so fucking weird. ...ruin my family and fuck everything up and destroy everything. I can't think...

I think about my sister's tits. The way they tasted. Yeah, dude. It'd be so awkward. Thanksgiving tits or tits tasted different on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, they tasted like more briny. But on Christmas, they had this tang. There's just a tension at the Thanksgiving table when you finally erupt. You're like, you never even fucking touch me anymore. You're talking to your wife. You're like, shut up. This doesn't involve you. Talking to my sister. Oh.

Yeah, you can't do it. It's just, it's just, there's, that's a good rule. I think about a lot of rules. I'm like, that's a good one. It's a really good rule. Fantastic rule. It's a fantastic rule. Don't do it. Don't fuck your sister. Sucker dick. Exactly. Have fun. Obviously have fun. I got to go to the doctor. Go to the doctor. Thank you so much. Dude. Thanks for having me. What a fun conversation, man. It was a blast. Thank you so much. For real. You're the best. Thank you for having me on. Thank you, man.

Everybody wants the kids, your sister's hot dog. It's what we have in common, it's what cuts through the fall. No more confusion, goodbye to the job. So come on everybody, wherever you may be. Confess you want your sister's dog just as much as me.

Open wide, shut your eyes, and let the flag of freedom fly. Let's all kneel together and scooch our sister. That was awesome. That was so funny.