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Fuck. Restart it? Hey, we're live. Oh my gosh. We're here with Tim Dillon. What's up, guys? What's up, dude? Thank you. Oh, thanks. Thank you for having me. Oh, thanks, man. Thank you. I got to get a cleaning lady.
They're around. Yeah. You can get one easy. You could get several. I don't think I'd have to get in a car. I think I could walk. No, you could get one very like on a bus stop. Anybody will do it. Yeah. Anyone will come back to the house. Yeah. That and an exterminator. Oh, yeah. You can get an exterminator here. I need one of these flies. Five minutes. They'll just come over the house. Yeah.
They'll invent problems that aren't there. They'll tell you about other things you don't have that you might have. The mail lady here yesterday worked as an exterminator for me. She got, there was a possum dead in the front. No way. And she was like, I got rid of that possum. It's been here for four straight days. Is that what was stinking? I was, I'm hoping that's what stinks. Something in this house occasionally stinks like shit. It's probably a dead animal. And I was hoping it was the dead animal. Yeah, it's probably that. Where was it located? It was out front left. That's where you were catching the smell. Front left though. Yeah. Yeah.
I've been catching it. I have been catching it on this side of the house. Yeah. Which is nice. That's a dead poss. Hopefully, yeah, but it must have been dying. Coming through the walls. Must have been dying for like a month in there. And then went out front to die finally. I don't know. Did the right thing, yeah. It did the honorable thing. What?
Where did she put this thing? She, I don't know. She sells it to like a taxidermist. She was like, I found it. She was like, just so you know, I got rid of that dead possum. And I was like, what are you talking about? It's like the Wuhan lab. They're selling the animals out of the back door just to get. Bringing them back to life. Yeah. We have, where I live, there's a taxidermy place like right on the corner where people will bring in like their dog and they have a taxidermy.
Or like hunt Most of it's hunters Hunting yeah But every now and then Like somebody will come in With a cat Like a house cat Stuff a cat And they'll do it They go yeah we'll do it I'm gonna bring a dog in And be like The way I was your pet Be like I hunted it I hunted this dog No I kidnapped this I took it out of Someone's backyard That's one of my things
You could bow hunt fucking golden retrievers in people's backyards. All day, dude. That'd be pretty sick. All fucking day. Rogan told me when we first moved here, he goes, my wife saw a zebra. And I go, oh, I don't, really? And he goes, yes. He goes, there are zebras in the hill country occasionally. What? What?
There's parakeets. There's wild parakeets. I'm just saying that's what I was told. And maybe. There could be. There could be. There could be. But he said that. He goes, my wife saw a zebra. And I went, in the hill country. And I live out there. So I go, oh. I've never seen one. Well, I'm going to keep an eye out. I'd love to. If I woke up and I saw a zebra, I'd feel good. Yeah. So, you know.
I don't know how it happens. I had to do that with Naeem. Naeem Ali was like, in Philadelphia, he was like, I was driving and I saw a dead wolf on the side of the road. And I was like, Naeem, bro, please don't make me argue with you. I argued with him. We were on a road trip. I argued with him for two hours. I was like, there's no wolf. There's no wolves in Philadelphia. There's no wolves anywhere near that. Yeah.
Yeah. There's a wolf sanctuary in like North Jersey, but I don't think they made it to Philadelphia. I mean, if one of them got out and got on the highway and got hit and no one collected and somebody hit a wolf and a wolf was dead on the side of the highway. It was probably a husky.
Yeah, I mean, for sure. He was like, no, it was huge. I saw its face. Like we had something in Long Island and it was, they called it the Montauk monster. It was a weird looking thing that washed up on the shore. People like it's from the Plum Island disease research facility. Like it's something they were experimenting on. And like multiple people just came out and go, no, no, that's a dog. Yeah.
and it's just a bloated body of a dog and no one cared they're like it came from Plum Eye it's a secret government experiment and then the guy's like no no no when a dog dies it's body bloats it loses its hair it's gonna look fucked up and it's gonna that's exactly what it is like that's literally what it is no one cared they're like no it's crypto it's a chupacabra
That happens. Yeah, that's easy. I can see how that, yeah. If I saw it, if somebody didn't tell me a dog washed up, I'd be like, that was a chupacabra. It's a freak. The thing, Naeem had a good point, though. What? Because when he was like, I saw that, I saw a fucking mountain lion or like a cougar or whatever.
There was one in Delaware County. Back in the blizzard? Yeah, he said he saw the tracks. No, I'm not going to give him the tracks. I remember vehemently arguing that I did see Santa Claus when I was about his age when he saw the Mountain Lions tracks.
And if I didn't know now, like if somehow there was like a news report that they were like, Santa was in the area. Yeah. I'd be like, I did see it. Yeah. No, I'm not going to give him mountain lion. We all used to go hunting for that mountain lion. There was rumored to be a mountain lion loose, like in Delaware County, Pennsylvania. Just one. Just one. Just one. Random mountain lion. No, but it's true. There was. There was one. There was. That's great. So then everyone's like, yeah, I saw it. Yeah, I saw it. Yeah. Yeah.
And then that justified him. So you had one in L.A. It was called P-22 and P-22 was like there's tons in L.A. But there's one that anyone ever they had a tracker on him.
And he had a Twitter account and they would tweet out like, I walked 10 miles yesterday. And then, but then it would start tweeting out things like, I'm probably trying to find water. I wish there wasn't climate change so that there would be water. Like, and then it would tweet out crazy stuff. And then it would tweet out like black lives matter, all this stuff. They're just an animal. And then it started shredding.
This was like the mascot of LA, this guy P-22. Then it started just killing dogs and cats and attacking people. So then they just quietly killed it. They put it down, this cat, this big cat that was like the mascot of like, it was on social media, like in the Santa Monica mountains, they would take photos of it, they'd upload it. And then they just had to quietly like, oh yeah, he's lost his mind and then just killed it.
They were like, oh yeah, he's in Silver Lake now. Like bus boys at restaurants are like, oh shit, because it's in the alley, like growling. They're like, oh yeah, we just got to quietly kill. And then they just quietly put it to sleep. I like that it was on the right side of history at first. Yeah, it was doing the right thing at first. That's correct.
voted for Trump. They were going to build like a wildlife bridge. I think they have a few of them where like in their minds they think that like, oh, hold on. Yeah, they're just going to walk across because they get hit sometimes on like the 101 or 45 and they think, no, they'll use the bridge.
And none of them used the bridge. No one's seen one of them on the bridge ever. It's just like a little bridge. No one's ever. Is it like a rope, like a zoo enclosure bridge? Yeah, it's a weird thing that goes over the highway that I guess if you were a mountain lion, you would just go over that. You'd have to hire people to go all day long. And no one sees these mountain lions. No one ever sees them. It's very rare. They're on a ring cam. You only see them on a ring cam occasionally. Damn, that's kind of cool, though. It's cool. They'll fuck you up, won't they? Won't they attack you? They'll fuck you up.
Oh my God. They'll fuck you if they're hungry. They'll fuck joggers up. Yeah, they will fuck you up if they're hungry for sure. And even maybe if they're not. Yeah, that's terrifying. Which is all right. I was scared down here when I moved. I didn't know like what kind of animals were down here. So I was like. Here you just got to worry about like little things like a brown recluse spider will ruin your day. Yeah. You know, that things like that. It's all baby rabbit. But it's rare.
I saw Baby Radley. Really? Yeah. Little guy. That's nice. Where'd you see him? Brown spots on my trail. I was walking. Nice. Things like that here. But you don't, I don't think you get real big, you don't get big things here. Nice.
Yeah, I walked through the grass and I'm like, I was in Arizona. We were afraid of the javelinas, the pigs. What? You would appreciate this. I was drunk with Doug Stanhope walking around in the middle of there. It's just wild pigs. We got to go. He's afraid of the javelinas. He's dressed like a fucking clown from the 70s. There's a pig out there and he's drunk and he's like, oh, they're blind. Dude, they'll gore you.
yeah they were right yeah the desert pigs the desert pigs they get to the trash at night in his neighborhood and he wanders the neighborhood at night he's very that is his mind that's his natural predator yeah he's mindful of it please let stanhope get killed by a pack of fucking pigs eaten by javelinas he would like that he would he would be like please yeah he'd be happy quit smoking no he did
Quit cigarettes? The last time I saw him at Mothership, he goes, I quit smoking cigarettes. That sucks. He did it. Snoop Dogg quit. Him and Meek Mill went to Dubai to quit smoking weed. Now, why do you think that is? Why do you think that is? Why did they go to Dubai? No, well, no. I get that. But why? Why do you think he quit? Yeah, what do you think it was? Probably has a collapsed lung, dude. It's probably a real health. It's probably a doctor said something. Yeah. Oh, really? Meek Mill's quitting for real. Dude, I do know guys that smoke like...
12 blunts a day and you just can't do that forever. You know, that's bad. Yeah, like you're smoking like construction paper all day, every day. Like your lungs are going. I had a friend that didn't smoke cigarettes and would go, I don't smoke cigarettes, but would literally have just blunts in ear and mouth like just constantly. And I'm like, dude, you're smoking cigar, like inhaling cigar paper. Well, they're sprayed with like strawberry flavoring too, which God knows. Vanilla dot, strawberry filling. Yeah.
But yeah, it's so funny though. Now, if any black dude has to quit smoking weed, you have to go to Dubai. You have to go there and dress like a sheik for a month. I'm done smoking blunt. Convert to your slop. That idea makes me laugh so hard. I've never been. Have you been to Dubai? No. People love it.
Really? I don't know. It's not for me, but people like... It seems like a worse Miami. It's people just dig it. Yeah. People, you know. They're trying to position it to be like the Miami of the desert. Yeah, like Vegas, Miami type. The Vegas of the desert. Yeah, yeah. I had a Uber driver tell me about it one time, and he was hyping it up. Like, you can go to the nightclubs. Yeah, like the cops. He was like, it's prostitutes. The cops drive Lamborghinis. It's like, that sucks. He was saying that you can go to nightclubs and get prostitutes. I was like, sweet. It's like a super rich...
Crazy world Where you can kind of Do a lot of Stuff Like there's Indoor ski resorts Okay Like it's crazy Everything's got to be indoors Because it's like 112 degrees So everything happens Indoors And the cops Drive Lamborghinis Yeah That's kind of sick dude No it's Probably It's just Grand Theft Auto It's just the Grand Theft Auto level
Yeah. Yeah. My wife wants to go there and I've been saying no the whole time. Like I'm not going. She wants to go to Dubai. Yeah. She wants to go to Dubai. Tell her no. It's it did he crush his black Instagram. It does. Yeah. True. It's a world designed by rappers. Yeah. Now it's a rap place. Yeah.
It's a scourge on black Instagram. You got to get her to give something up when she goes. Dubai? Yeah. Bickering with me. Bickering. True. She should post in a full hijab. True. I'm done bickering. I'm done bickering. I've given up bickering. I'm going to put away all the stuff. It's time for me to put away stuff. Yeah, I should tell her. I'm going to warn her. I'll be like, bro, you got to understand. If you go. No chirping.
I'd hate to see you get taken away by the authorities. Right. There's going to be chirping. I know, dude. Yeah. Yeah, it is an interesting place for black Instagram to be like, this is the Middle East. It's hilarious. I can't stop laughing about Arabian dudes encountering just like black dudes from... Yeah, Mick Mills, just full chic, turbaned out. It's wild. Yeah. Anyway. Smoking weed. It has like a weird, vaguely spiritual overtone on it, but it's just...
It's just a weird place. You're just in the desert. So you're like, yeah, dude, this is really important for me to do this. You just get hammered in a club and have sex with a prostitute. Yeah. Yeah.
You just have, yeah, just an Atlantic City experience. Yeah, you could do that an hour from your house. They're trying to make Atlantic City a family-friendly place now. That's not going to happen. I know. It's a big push. It's good to see them try with Atlantic City when it is hopeless. Yeah. It's a definition of hopelessness. That place is fucked up. It's fucked up. Those old houses. And it should just be what it is, which is like a place for...
bachelor and bachelorette parties dude yeah for weddings that have a 80% chance of unraveling within two years like marriages like the worst marriages that was my bachelor or my bachelor party my first
- You're gonna be the 20th, you'll be the 15th. - I mean, that's a guaranteed. - No, it's a horrible. - It's so accurate. - We did one, I mean, they're still married, but we did Mike Lawrence's bachelor party. It was me, Scott Chaplin, Mike Lawrence, Mike Racine. - Just the most autistic fucking bachelor party. - And we just went, like he doesn't drink, so we just went to the show boat and we went to a buffet and then we just walked on the boardwalk. It was like,
Tragic. It was bad. Dude, they have billboards for whippets on the Atlantic City Boardwalk. Really? Yes. Oh, yeah. I'm not lying. They have literally huge billboards for like, you can go puff whippets down there. Yeah. That's maybe the only way to really enjoy it. We just did that. To be like huffing.
It's a place where you've got to hop. You hop your way into being like, this is Dubai. There's the Burj Khalifa. It's like, that's Ocean's Casino. You're just watching a street fight. You're like, I'm sitting front row. There's Trump. You're pointing at people.
Yeah, they're in an effort to make it more family friendly. They opened an indoor water park, but it's like $112 per person to go there. By the way, the brain-eating amoeba is growing in that water. Holy fuck. It's always a tragedy. It'll be like six months from now, they'll be like, rare disease closes water park. Well, China's popping off right now with child pneumonia. What?
What? They're going nuts. Supposedly China has like a new plague.
of pneumonia and it's affecting children and their masks are on. I'm not even kidding. It's like, it's happening. I wish you didn't tell Matt this. That's like the new iPhone over there. They do have six strains. You got new viruses. It's the new iOS. You updated every night. Child pneumonia. Child pneumonia in China. I don't want to be a conspiracy guy, but it is fucking weird that it's like,
another election. Oh yeah. Hey, how about, how about one that goes for the kids? Dude, it's weird that it's happening.
Yeah, they're gonna need to pull out some pretty serious stops this time. This is gonna be there The the Dems are gonna have to pull something out. Yeah They're in a lot of they're in deep trouble. Yeah child pneumonia would get it done though. That's a good one. I don't know You know what? I don't think it does. I think it's gonna get it done this time. Sure Walk it off show up to UFC events. You're gonna be telling a nine-year-old who's coughing like keep your mouth shut I'm going to vote. Yeah true
Yeah, I guess there's... I don't know. You think they'll win? Who? The Dems. No. No. Yeah, not at all. But they are going to have to do something. They're going to put up like a desperate Hail Mary. Why are they running by? I don't understand why they can't get a cool young guy to be like, hey...
There's no cool young guys left. The only one they might have is like Gavin Newsom, who's a good debater. He's decent looking, but California is a mess and everyone hates California and everyone hates him and what he's done to cover. Like he was the mayor of San Francisco, which is third world country. And what's kind of interesting about him is how happy he looks all the time. Yeah. Like if you're in a state where literally it's collapsing, you can't look that.
all the time. He always kind of looks positive and happy. Say what you want about Lori Lightfoot. She did play the role. She just collapsed personally. Nobody did it better than her. Nobody embodied the fall of a city physically, mentally,
More than that woman in every respect, by the way. I mean, what was her superhero costume? Corona Destroyer. She looked like Beetlejuice. She looked like fucking crazy. She looked like the Orkin bug guy who's like sprays things.
No, there's nobody did it better than her. I want to look at it. She literally did it better than her, bro. It looks like she's on Howard Stern. She left it all in the office, though. You got to give her that. She truly left it all. Now she's at Harvard. What? This is why we're a fucked up country. What is she doing at Harvard? She's teaching at Harvard. I don't know. She's teaching politics, government at Harvard. What?
Just walking around. Lori Lightfoot as named. With her voice. With that voice. Senior leadership fellow. She was in the airport everywhere, too. If you traveled in Chicago, she had her image plastered up on the screen. She was a Batman villain. She was a Dick Tracy villain, even. And she would yell at my favorite thing. She'd have a press conference. And somebody would ask a really reasonable question. They'd be like, hey, there were like 30 murders yesterday. And then she'd be like, I'm not tolerating this. So good. Okay.
It's so good. So she'd be like, I'm not tolerating this. She'd go, I'm not tolerating this. We're moving on. And they'd be like, we're just asking a 14 year old shot for people in a mall. And she'd be like,
This is confrontational. I know where you work. I know the people you work for. And she had this like raspy, guttural voice. And she refused to be accountable for anything that would go. People just bring up what went on in the city. They go, hey, so a flash mob robbed and beat a couple outside of RPM Seafood last night. And she'd be like, we're not doing this today. Yeah.
There was a new guy who started trying to do this chant where he was like, if you're not from Chicago, keep our name out of your fucking mouth. And they're like, why do you guys have so many murders? Like, that's our business. That's family business. That's family business. You can't do that. Yeah, it was like, let's do a chant right now. Biden hits that. Biden hits that we're not doing this today. Yeah. He just literally stops. He walks away. Really? You're thinking the Roomba is perfect because you watch him go. I mean, it is crazy. You know, you go like...
It's elder abuse and it's my favorite thing about him is that they had a family meeting over last Christmas and they reported this. It was in all the papers and it was a big meeting in Nantucket. They had a holiday there and the meeting was to determine if he was fit to run again. And then they like after this meeting, they're all like, we're all on board with this. We all think it's a great idea. And I'm like, what possibly could have gone down? Yeah.
at that meeting where they go, this guy should go run for president again.
Like if he was a math teacher, they would go, Pop, hang it up. Like there's no job he's fit to do. Like any family with any kind of decent, like they'd be like, Buddy, hey, Pop. Like if he was a lawyer, they'd be like, Buddy, you don't have to work from home. You do a case a month. The family meeting was obviously not real. No, it wasn't real. But if it was real, yeah, it's funny to imagine. I think maybe there's...
I've always had a weird theory that they don't want someone in there who might uncover stuff. Because I think there's fuckery. And I think that they don't want, especially while Trump is around, they don't want somebody getting in there that might...
you know, uncover fuckery. Yeah. They're like walking them off though, dude. Like the fuck is it? It looks like a, it feels like a mafia thing where they're like, they're like, no, no, we got it. He's good. It's like, it feels like, what are you, what are you worried about? What are you doing?
You don't want anyone else in there. It's weird. It is. Something's fucked up. It makes no sense. It's like, I don't get it. I like when he does try to answer questions. It's the best. And then his staff has to come and be like, yo. Yeah, don't do that. Because he'll go for it. If somebody asks him a question, he usually tries to answer. He'll try. He does his best. And he's frustrated, which is a lot of really old people get mad at themselves because their brain's not working and they're mad. You can see he gets mad that his mind won't allow him
Oh, that's sad. He's had a tough life. You gotta remember. Yeah, he did. Wife died. Kids died.
Like the son dies, the wife is wiped off right with a car accident. Something crazy. Then the son dies. The other son's on drugs. Yeah. Starts dating the dead son's daughter. I mean, I'm sorry, not wife. Yeah. Like it's not a- I didn't know Jill was the nanny. Jill was the nanny? His nanny that was in his car when the wife died? I don't know. Something. I got that. That's not-
Good source. True. That's war mode. You said their nanny died with them? I've been hanging out with Billy and Spud for the last couple days. I got hit with a lot of fucking things. Jill was the nanny to his original marriage. Yeah. Allegedly. She's also not really a doctor. They call her a doctor. She's not really a doctor. No. She's not a doctor. She's like a kindergarten teacher. It's crazy. She teaches elementary school and they call her doctor and Jill, bye. So it's kind of nuts.
I know Michelle Obama would be their best choice.
Because she's not a politician. She doesn't have a record. People like her. But she has to hide her dog. She must be hiding something. The only issue is that she's a guy. That's the only issue. That's the only, like, for real, I know that's a fun conspiracy. Yeah. But there is something preventing her from becoming president. No, 1,000%. Because she would be president in a landslide. She'd be the president in a landslide. Every day they don't announce her, I get closer to being like. Something's going on there. Maybe she has a car.
Something's up. What is going on here? She's the perfect candidate except for the fact that she was a man when she met her husband. You know what's nice? Is if they run her, Trump will, when he gets desperate in a debate, be like, you have a con.
No, Big Mike is coming out in that debate. That's what they're calling her. They're calling her Big Mike. I'm not calling her Big Mike. That's my favorite conspiracy. I'm not saying it, but someone's saying it. It's one of the best conspiracies. It's so funny. Because it's reached the actual... It's reached the dads and uncles. It has. My dad and they'll be like...
You mean big Mike? Get the fuck out of here. One of the last things my mother said in her mental institution in the common area. By the way, we went after she died. We went to get her stuff, whatever, like beanie babies and stuff that had littered around the room. They called us and they were like, you want to get her stuff? My aunt's like, we should get her stuff. I wanted to be like, just give it to the other nutjobs, right? Just give it to them. They're not going to know who's Kermit the Frog this is.
They're not even going to remember. One of them, best case, one of them might go, that's Patty's Kermit. But no one's going to remember. So we go in there to get your dead schizophrenic mother's beanie baby. It's the most depressing day ever. And I was so thankful. One woman, one of her orderlies, a Jamaican lady pulled me aside and goes, she goes, you'll like this. It's really funny. A couple of days before your mom died, Michelle Obama was giving a speech and like, ah.
Your mother was sitting there in her wheelchair just watching. And we went over to her. We're like, should we leave this on? And my mother goes, should we leave her on? That's Michelle Obama. And my mother goes, yeah, you can leave her on. But then my mother goes, I think that's a man. So it reached my schizophrenic mother. Somehow in her mental institution in Jamaica, Queens, it got to her. So right before she died, it's the last thing she learned on earth. It was the final thing.
She learned under she goes. Oh that woman might be a guy and then literally she just had a bowel obstruction out It's a curse. She probably spread it to the Kermit probably went in that room. Yeah talking to the baby She gives it to another Go wait a minute you do see a bulge Look at her on Ellen you see a bulge. She finally connected to reality I
But it is, by the way, there is nothing better if it is. And that's why I want it to be true because it's funny. There's something about it being true and then her having the confidence to free ball on Ellen and just have a dick hangout. She's like one of those dudes on TikTok in the gray sweatpants who's like, take a look at this, trying to get views. It's like crazy. Yeah, I wonder why they don't frill. It's crazy. I never thought about that because I'm like, yeah, they bring her out.
Caitlyn Jenner came to my Ida Friendsgiving, okay? And I'll say this, and I don't know if this reaches Caitlyn, and if it does, God bless. But to say that Caitlyn...
is a masculine person would be maybe the understatement of the year. Caitlyn walks in the house, first of all. Wait, Caitlyn Jenner came to yours? She comes with her girlfriend. Her girlfriend is a trans. Wait, so your Thanksgiving. Yeah, yeah, to my Thanksgiving. Friendsgiving. Friendsgiving, I invited you to, but no one's in LA. I get it. Damn, you could have told me. Well, that's why I wanted you to come. You could have told me they were coming. I would have been there. This is great. So she comes with her girlfriend. Her girlfriend is a trans MAGA influencer.
Okay So this is This is my dream This is perfect for me This is all I want The whole party Everyone else I love Andrew Santino And everybody But it's about this Yeah It wasn't about anything else For sure So she walks in By the way She walks in like 15 minutes after the Supposedly it starts No one's there yet There's like three weird people That I barely know And then Caitlyn Jenner Walks in
She walks in. She's like six, four built like a brick shit house walks in. She's, you know, a specimen, right? She walks in, she shakes my hand. I go, you're really punctual. She goes, and I taught my kids how to be punctual too. They're all punctual. And it's like the most dad thing to say ever. And then she like shakes my hand. I'm like, yeah, yeah. So like,
We give her a drink and like you just like then like more people start to come. Maybe there's like 20 people there now. And then she's just talking about how no one's patriotic anymore in America. So she's standing in the middle of my kitchen showing people pictures of her planes.
And going, nobody's patriotic anymore. You know, when I won those gold medals, she goes, people were cheering for me, but they were also cheering for America. Nobody's fucking patriotic. And then she's surrounded by LA godless scum, you know, who have to swallow this message. And like some of them are agreeing. And her trans MAGA influencer girlfriend starts going like, you know, that's kind of a low voice, but she's like, she goes, she goes,
She goes, well, she goes, well, she goes, well, I, she goes, I think, I think that one of the real problems with this country is that nobody appreciates it for how good it is. I'm like, yeah, yeah. You know, and we're just rah, rah. And it's just, it's the craziest thing.
I mean, I like that you did have L.A. people there that had to be like, they're famous. I have to listen to what they're saying. You have to listen to what they say. Yeah. You have to listen to what they say. I mean, those are funny. That's a powerful couple. That's, by the way, it's the best couple. I've got the shivers. It's my favorite couple in L.A. Nobody...
Nobody does it better than those two. Yeah. Nobody. That's awesome. I love them both. And I, and I want to get dinner with them and I want to be part, whatever that is like that whole trans MAGA. Oh yeah. I have my own plane movement.
Dude. Get me into that. You're doing like gonzo journalism. You're like ingratiating yourself with the freaks. Well, it's just a fun. It's a fun. When you hear when you hear just these two women and then they're talking and they're going, the problem with America is no one's patriotic. It's it's really beautiful. It's like a beautiful. Yeah, it is.
You know, it is like a bunch of things just that's the high level just coalescing. It's a black black black mag. It gets me fired up. Transmag. It might be false. It's back. That's the peak. That's the top. That's the top. Yeah, I'll pass out. If I watch it, I just fucking lose consciousness. Here's how strong that is. This is what I think about trans. I go through G force and assimilate. You're stuck to the couch.
It shows MAGA is so powerful that it won't be stopped. It can't be stopped. Dude, get in the MAGA rappers. It will eventually reach everyone. That's what's great about it. It's just... There will be non-binary MAGA eventually. You'll just see a fat...
gender like non-conforming weirdo with blue hair and then just put on that hat it's just like oh it's it gets it's like COVID it's like you'll get it you're gonna get it yeah you don't have to worry about how you're gonna get it it's just
You don't have to analyze it. You're going to get it. You can tell everyone it's fake. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You're going to get it. You're going to get it. I'm so embarrassed. I did everything I could. I tried so hard. I've been in my apartment for two weeks. I've been wearing this hat for two straight fucking weeks.
There's aerosol droplets. I woke up one day and there was a hat. I just was wearing a red hat. And she's great about Caitlyn Jenner. She was like, she said, I'm against gay marriage. She's at a party. You guys had some good ideas. She's against gay marriage. She goes, I'm an old fashioned girl. I'm against gay marriage. When she came out against gay marriage, I couldn't love a person more. I'm an old fashioned. I couldn't love. When she said, I'm an old fashioned girl, I don't want gays getting married. I could not love. I remember I had rented a house in,
And I was on the beach, we're in Malibu, we rented it for like two days and I was there and I was just like, I read that article and I know that she's in the area. She like lives in Malibu somewhere and I just like looked out. I'm like, I don't know where she is. You can feel her presence. But I just love her so much for saying that. Just going, I'm an old fashioned girl and you know, I just don't want queers getting married. Yeah.
She goes to a country club. She still kills it on the course. Fuck. Still plays great golf. That's awesome. She's probably shooting like a 70. Yeah. She's probably nasty. I think Kayla made a presidential bid. No, government of California. Governor of California. It's got to come. There's a great thing. She's in like a little car.
And then she's going down some crazy parade route. And then someone just yells at her like, Madam Governor. And then she just raises her hand. But here's the thing. I was following her gubernatorial campaign and I was going to contribute. I just wanted to go to whatever. I'm like, whatever events there are to this, I'll pay any amount of money to just go to this. Let me just witness this.
Like up close like I'll I'll just I don't care if I died broke. Let me get near whatever like brain trust Is it a room with her like, you know that documentary about Clinton's first campaign is like a famous documentary like James Carville and Stephanopoulos I forget what it's called. It's called the war room when they're all like working out like the positions like what he's gonna say I'm like, let me get in that with Caitlyn Jenner, please and then she left and
This is what sucks about California. She gave up to be a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother. I'm like, you don't really care about the future of California if you're just going to leave to be a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother. I'm like, you don't need any more money. You're already one of the most famous people in the world. What are you doing? Yeah, that's a weird move.
Well, I'll add it to the list. It's a bunch of weird moves. I'll support. Never let him guess your next move, dude. Never let him guess. I still believe. I still believe big time.
And seeing her at the party. She was running too early. She was four years too early. She was four years too early. I think now. Next run, there's going to be, like we said, there's more of that trickle down. MAGA, it's hitting everybody. Yeah. No, she's. She's got some support. People are going to be very confused.
I think that that is the future. Yeah. I think Transmaga is the future of America. Yeah. I mean, it's just... It is. It's just truly getting into whatever you want to get into. No self-filtering. It's really riding the rails. I'll say this. I don't even like when I'm playing an online video game and somebody puts their character in a dress.
True. If I'm playing Call of Duty and somebody's dressed not like a soldier, I'm like, fuck this game. So now we got a whole, all right, whatever. But then think of that person's inner dress and a devout follower of Donald Trump. Then there's something about it. I totally agree. That's where it switches a little. There is something about it where you go, this is kind of nice, you know? Because you know all the bullshit, the annoying things about trans people go away if they're MAGA. Yeah. Well,
And the annoying things about MAGA people almost go away if they're trans. Of course. Because MAGA people get a little annoying, but if they're trans, that probably tempers that. So we might have found the perfect person. Yes. Yeah, they're like wizards on the battlefield of the culture war. They are. Nothing can touch them or destroy them.
Nothing to touch. I also, I like the idea of keeping, because I know we always blame like Russia and China for all of our. Everything. All of our cultural problems. Yes. We're like, those are Russian bots producing BLM. Yeah. I bet Russia and China are sitting back and watching America like.
What is... What the fuck are they doing? They have no idea. Russia's like an old society. They must be so confused. They have no idea. The things that we get into here, they're so confused. And then they're confused to learn that they started it all. When we invaded... Well, not invaded. When we helped support Ukraine, they must have been like, what? And then with Gaza and Israel, they're like, what side are they going to be on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just everything we do, they must be like... Yeah. Yeah.
Kanye, I mean, they must have got reports.
Did you give like a Russian intelligence briefing? Yeah. Briefing Putin. They're like, this guy going full Nazi. They're like, what the fuck? Because they have to study that. They have to see like where we are at any given time. So they're like, the biggest celebrity in America is about to endorse Adolf Hitler. And then Putin's like, well, they're not going to care that the Ukraine has SS tattoos. They don't give a shit about it.
No, the Russian cultural briefing on what's going on in America has to be that chaotic, crazy thing. It must have started funny. Yeah. Like the first couple years, they must have been like, America, this is funny. And then now every day, it's got to just be like...
Dude, what? Imagine if they were in Afghanistan with just a dude in a dress. Yeah. They would clench their teeth and scream. They would be like, what? Why are we doing this? Now they're just explaining Transmaga to Putin.
So there's two movements that are merging. He's probably killing intelligence officers. He's probably like, this is not good. There's no way what you're telling me is happening. He's like, they're on drugs. He's like, we send them over there. They get addicted to drugs. CIA fucks them up, sends them back. Oh my God.
It's hilarious. That's wonderful. It's so funny. Yeah, you hear about that. I hear about that every now and again. I'm like, I'm glad that exists, but I never got the full fucking scale of that. It's so nice. Well, it's just so funny because you got to imagine because the way they talk about it,
They think like the way people say it, it's like China and or Russia is basically like we got to find like men to get pregnant in America. Like that's our strategy. It's not about like ports and control of natural resources anymore. We got to find dudes who will say they're menstruating and like put them in Oberlin College. And then fight about it for four years. Yeah.
For at least four years straight now. Which if they're doing it, it's like the greatest and most hilarious attack plan ever. Perfect. Yeah. Genius. Just taking it. Yeah. Making a guy join the swim team at Penn. Yeah. That shuts the country down for five months. Six months. They think that swimmer has been like torturing the Russian camp for 10 months. And then they just go away. Where is Leah Thomas now? What? Where is Leah Thomas now? Like, they just disappear. Yeah.
Back in Moscow. She's back in Moscow. It's just a photo of Leah Thomas. She's seven foot tall. There's all these Chinese people around her. She's welcome back as a hero. She's probably in a Chinese aquarium. Riding a tank. She's in a Chinese aquarium right now. She just pops out of the water like, whoa. Oh, Rhea Thomas is so strong. Rhea Thomas is so strong.
Cripple America economy for six months with a great swimming The sigh of China's Russia amazing goddamn them, but I have zero faith that it's them know everything this is all us because We're a country. That's just you have all the ingredients for the crazy that's going on
Yeah. You poison the food. You poison food for like 30 years. You make the drugs, the prescription drug. I mean, everything. Yeah, for real. All of it. Over the counter. All that stuff. You give everybody that. You give an entire generation of kids meth. You give an entire generation of kids that. For 25 straight years. You stress everybody out to the point where they're breaking.
And then you go, let's see what happens. Yeah, you're alone in the universe and you're nothing. Let's toss TikTok and Instagram at this. TikTok is Instagram. Let's reward people for, you know, moaning in a guy's ear at Home Depot. Right.
Which those are funny. Those are great. And the guy turns around like, hey! Motherfucker, you get the fuck away from me, man. What, daddy? That is the best. The kiss, is she the kiss guy? No. There's a guy who goes around New York and just kisses the top of bald people's heads and it's the fucking... They probably love it.
No, they get furious. People get mad? He's hitting Honduran immigrants, dude. Oh, no. They turn around. He's hitting... He's going to get stabbed. Dude, I don't know. He's a pretty big dude. So he creeps up behind people and just goes... Right on top of their head. And they look up and they... Dude, they freeze. They're just like, what the fuck? It's this big guy just going like, bye. And he just slinks away. It's just so funny. It's like someone...
If someone knew like back then like that was gonna replace like the Drew Carey Show. Yeah, yeah. Whose line is it anyway? It gets replaced by... It's like... Making guys mad about their sexuality. It's like that used to be home improvement. Now it's just a dude kissing... Bothering... Just two minutes of it too. It's great. Just two minute video. That's all you need. Yeah, four kisses.
You're like, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. I've been watching a lot of drones bothering homeless people. Oh, that's pretty good. It's so good, dude. Just drones circling homeless people. There used to be a guy who would follow fat people with a tuba. And he'd go, do-do-do-do-do. And you'd see fat people turn around like, yo, what the fuck? Because they know that's the fattest instrument. Do-do-do-do-do-do. I think I've seen people try to chase him and he plays it fast while running.
It's just evil, dude. It's so funny, though. Yeah. It's objectively funny to play the tuba. If he played any other instrument, you'd be like, what is this guy doing? No, the tuba's number one. Breaking out the tuba, you're like, oh, I see. I think it was from Family Guy. Oh, really? Yeah, there's a Family Guy sketch where they're like, that's a fat guy with a tuba. Or a guy following a fat guy with a tuba. And then a guy saw that and was like, well, there's my career.
I'm going to do that. I'm going to bother these people. I'm going to sell seven t-shirts. Guys sitting on a bench just... I wonder if there's money in any of it or if it's just for the love of the game. I think it is love of the game. And I guess eventually they get money. I mean, getting home and uploading that must feel so good. It's probably funny. Wait until you guys fucking see what I did today. Yeah. They'll throw an ad on it eventually. Brought to you by Morgan & Morgan. Yeah, right? Morgan & Morgan will get neck in. Yeah.
If you get punched in the face after kissing a guy. Morgan to Morgan. Have you been assaulted by Elmo at Times Square because you kissed him and grabbed his dick? We're going to fucking fix that.
We have 100 nationwide offices that can handle this. Yeah, it started. That's like kind of where it started. Like the freaks out front, like the Chinese theater in LA. Yeah. The naked cowboy. Right. That used to be something we all sat back and went, look at that fucking weirdo. Right. Now everyone's that. Yeah. Now everyone's trying to be that. Now it's like, that's a successful guy. Yeah, they go, no, that's the goal. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, it's terrifying. Like, that's what we want. Yeah, I remember thinking, I remember watching reality TV and I was like, oh, this is going to change people's personalities. I was like, that's nothing, dude. That's just people arguing at a party. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a guy naked dressed like the Tin Man. It's like,
It's like Pokemon's buttholes and running away. Yeah, well, I think reality TV helped us get there. True. That wasn't Bridge. Because it was like, it's like, that was like just shameless behavior. Like, there was a time when the idea of like, you have an argument with your wife, the idea of like three guys standing in a room would be insane. True. Punch Stucky in the face. Yes. And no one did anything. The cameras are there and he's still punching. No one, not one guy did anything. No,
Nobody did anything. They just with the cameras on her. That's crazy. I saw a thing. T.I. Son. Did you see the clip of T.I. Son? He went on Instagram live to yell at his mom. And then T.I. beat him up. But how old is he? He's got to be a teenager. It looks like he's like in his very early teens. And he's yelling at his mom on Instagram live.
He's on Instagram. I don't know if it's his or somebody's Instagram live, but he's on Instagram live in his mom's face. It's like the footage isn't the best as you can imagine. T.I. puts his ass on camera? T.I. gets in his face. Comes into the room. You can't see it. He's just there. It's like an Instagram live of a side of his face. Be like, fuck you. There's a bunch of people chatting. He shuts it down. He's like, you're embarrassing your family. I know everyone says it, but thank God we didn't have social media like that. I would have gone on Instagram. I would have gone on Instagram live and cried.
- So many times. - Yeah, I just got my ass kicked. - Like fifth grade cry. - My fucking parents kicked my fucking ass. - Dad, hit me just now. We need to report this. - My schizophrenic mother would have been making money. Like that's a thing, like we could have turned that into, we could have turned that into gold.
Yeah. That the right way. Yeah. True. You know, just, just, she would just drive her van and I would just sit in the front seat with the phone like this, like go just walk.
Just talk. Reality TV is where it definitely started. I remember when reality TV started, every single family, if you ever went to visit somebody's house, they'd be like, we could be a TV show. Our family is so funny. We should be a TV show. They gave us all cameras and now everyone is a TV show. I remember that people would be like, they're missing out on gold.
They're missing out on gold, not having cameras here. Just someone being like, the mashed potatoes suck. And I'm like, fuck you. And all it meant was like... Which is gold. I would watch that all day. That's true. All it meant when they said we could be a reality TV show is that we are...
Terrible people. That's all it meant. We're terrible. We're petty. We're terrible people, and our youngest brother quotes Anchorman. Yeah, that's all it is. It's hilarious. That's all it is. We throw fits when we don't get exactly what we want. We're terrible people. Yeah. That's all it was. Luis Gomez should be a TV show. Of everybody I know. In the early days of Periscope, Luis Gomez, it was like years ago, would walk home on Periscope.
And he'd film his walk home. And I'm like, what are you doing? Skateboard. He would ride his bike. Yeah, it was great. And I love his COVID updates. Oh, my God. He did a live. He would go on live and just smoke a blunt on his fire. You should get high on his fire escape and be like, yo, the real interesting thing about that is like, it's so interesting. He would never say what it was. Be interested. It's so fucking interesting. If you think about it, it was so fucking. Yeah, I would pay to watch Lewis's day.
Yeah, he's awesome. He's great at that. I'd love to see it. Then there's the Jamaican episodes where he goes to Jamaica. Takes the whole gas digital stack. Takes those oddities. Those freaks. Goes down to Jamaica. Yeah, he would be great, actually. Yeah. He'd be good. There's a few people that would be really good. Yeah. I'd be terrible. I wouldn't be that good. It would be unbelievable. Yeah, I'd be quiet. How bad would it be? I would just be red. Yeah.
Who else would be good? Lewis is probably my number one. Lewis would be number one. There's nobody better than Lewis. Because a lot of the episodes would be, he's almost about to fight someone at Best Buy. And then people have to get involved. It would just be like the camera guy. It's like, no, it's not worth it, man. It's not worth it. And they're pulling him out. And then 10 minutes later, he's having the time of his life. He's the best guy on earth. He's just smoking weed. Yeah.
having fun. But a lot of the episodes would center around dragging him out of a strip mall before he physically attacked, like someone at a party supply store who's like fucked up at the balloon order for his son's party. You know?
you stupid whore. You fucking whore. He said the funniest thing I've ever heard once. I don't know why. We spent Easter one year. I was with him, his son, and I had people there. We were having Easter at Amy Ruth's in Harlem. I don't know why this was the thing. He remembers us. And
The waitress was, let's just say, unmotivated. Okay? Oh, he's on their fucking ass. Yes. And it's like Easter. So it's like, you know who gives this shit? So Lewis called the manager over and said, I quote, it's the maybe top five funniest things I've ever heard in my life. He goes, listen, because we all want water. He goes, I know the waitress is getting a money sign tattooed on her stomach. What?
But when she gets back, can we get some fucking water? He said it's... Oh my god. It was... It's Easter.
It was amazing. He's still probably one of my top three people ever. He's the best, for real. I mean, you forget how much you love him. And then when we were over here just watching, we just watched his live stream of him playing Call of Duty. It's so fun. It's amazing. He fully reads the chat. He reads the chat. He's like, yeah, fuck you, pussy. Fucking right, doggy. Yeah. The best thing is when he threatens to fight someone on Twitter, he goes, I'll fight you right now. Didn't he get a beef with fucking...
Anthony no no Opie what the fuck was that about I don't know oh I mean what yeah true I mean that's true what's the meaning of life that's that you know what I mean yeah it's a broad question yeah that's a that is a broad one but yeah I saw that I'm like what the fuck could they be fighting about but it's yeah who knows a shame hates you in a fight it was fun
He didn't fight? I enjoy it. Anytime Lewis gets into Twitter beef, I'm there. I'm watching. He's built for it. Yes. The best was when early Gas Digital, when it was Ralph's apartment, they would have a team meeting. And I would go. We'd all sit there. And Lewis would have a team meeting. Be like, Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. And he'd walk in. He'd just smoke the blood. And he's talking about it. He's like, all right.
What's the ad sales division? And it's just like this retarded woman from Staten Island. Like someone who's like slow. You know, he was like a fat guy. Business tycoon. How are we looking? I don't know. Monocle. That one knows. It'd be like someone who took like a five hour bus from Staten Island there.
who's like learning disabled. And he'd be like, you don't know how to computer figure out the fucking computer. Yeah, he'd be like, Dana's going to be handling our new ad sales division. And she'd be like sitting there like staring blankly.
She's on methadone. She's on Suboxone just foaming at the mouth. He's like, she's handling our integration, our vertical integration.
There was a highlight this week I was watching Her briefcase is a plastic bag She's got a shopping bag Slams his plastic bag on the table Takes out a sandwich
They had a reality show. They were going to do a reality show. I mean, they should have done a reality show. Sal from Brantle Jokers was producing that. And I think the people like...
Sal, I think his people eventually were like, hey. They just started looking at some of this footage. They're like, what? Wait a minute. They're like, what are you doing? You're a star on a huge show. You're going to produce a show? They should still make this show. No, it would be an amazing show. Yeah. But Sal was like, yeah, I'm going to do a show showing a...
young podcast network and then I think eventually people at Warner Brothers were like wait a minute what do they want like they probably watch like people over at Sony it's just juggalos defending rape for 30 minutes and then the people at Sony and they probably really like Sal so they're probably like hey this was great but we just feel we're gonna go in a different direction we're gonna go in a different direction when the when the who is it Lewis yeah
When he calls that woman from Staten Island a retard and she seems a little slow, that's something advertisers don't really want to get by. They don't really want to get into that. It would be the fucking funniest. It would be the best. I mean, think of them turning it on more for the cameras. Oh. It's already crazy. Yeah. Yeah.
If you threw some cameras in there, people would, yeah. Yeah. There was actually, they did a boxing match this week between. Another one? Yeah. Yeah. Dylan and Crack Amico boxed. Oh, they did the rematch. And there's a clip I saw on Twitter where Lewis just forgets he's the ref and just is watching it.
I did that when I read the basketball. Dude, I used to ref basketball on Space Out, and I'd hear, like, oh, shit, and people would start yelling, and I'd be like, that way. And they'd be like, what the fuck? And when it started, it was in this little room, and it was a spare room, an apartment on Avenue B, and...
Like it would fit like four people taught and it was tight So if it was like me Zach Miko Lewis and Mullen and then the producer and in the room and it was like it was like yeah, I Didn't didn't Louis have a I definitely have talked about didn't he have a all tile apartment?
Yes, he talks about this. I've never saw him. He had a fully tiled apartment. He had a fully all-tiled apartment with a feral dog that lived in there with him. With a dog that lived there that was feral. That would attack everyone. He had a full tile apartment. I don't know where you would even find it. It was a bath. It was like one big bathroom. That's awesome. And he was in there with a dog. He's the funniest dude in the world. He is. For real. Oh, fuck. Well, yeah. That's pretty good. That's an hour. It has to be.
What a dense fucking 53 minutes. Yeah. It's a good 53. It's a great 53. It's Caitlyn Jenner. It's Luis Gomez. No. I mean, you know. We cover a lot of stuff. You know. Mountain King. Just the clack. Like the tile apartment. The idea of just like.
Him because you know like he's like changes dropping at the end of the Bottles just the sound the dog getting into stuff getting all the trash and yelling at the dog the echo is bouncing off the echo off the tile walls him screaming at a dog makes me laugh so hard of him what was that dogs name
Wish I had such a funny fight. It was like, dude, the best was Tommy Turner's mini Doberman. Smokey. You talk about smoke. Dude, we did comedy with that would come home high and drunk.
And he had like a mini Doberman that was like, that was a full Plum Island creature. Like fucked up teeth. It had like glaucoma. Its eyes were gray. And he would come home and like hold a piece of steak. He'd go on Facebook Live. It'd be like, look at this, Smokey. Fuck you, Smokey, the dog. He would pick it up and the whole time he was holding it, it was like, ah, ah, ah, ah. And he's like, oh, Smokey. Yeah.
Smokey. That was good. Yeah, that was good. My friend had a mini, I think also a mini Doberman. He used to give Wawa cappuccinos to every morning. And the dog got diabetes. He was like, I didn't know he couldn't have cappuccinos. What's wrong with him? He would get a cappuccino for himself and a little like 12 ounce for his dog. For a dog that weighed 10 pounds. Tiny dog would drink a fucking 12 ounce cappuccino. He just killed it with Wawa cappuccino. He just killed his dog. It went
That was a Montauk monster. Someone in Long Island, some piece of shit poisoned their dog with French vanilla creamer and then just said fuck and then threw it in the bay. He didn't know. He walked out to see. For real, didn't know. He's like, he loves it. He's like, he loves it. Yeah, he probably does. The dog was hyped, dude. You go over there, it's like. I mean, it must have been the worst dog possible. It was pretty bad. It's got to be. There was smoke. Smokey seemed like, for real, the worst dog I've ever seen.
And I like Tommy, so I don't want to trash his dog. That was a bad dog. Yeah. I'm a bad dog. Jax? Blind dog. You got blind. My dog's fucking blind. It ate 14 chocolate cupcakes. No. Lost his sight. I swear to God. And then it went blind right after? I had to fly him here, so I had to put on a fake therapy dog vest and then walk a blind dog through the airport. That's crazy.
Was it from the chocolate? Yeah, I think so. It could see fine and then it ate those 14 cupcakes. How did it get to 14? It was for my daughter's birthday party. We had dozens of chocolate cupcakes stacked and he just pulled them off this bench and just tore through the box. Ate all of them. He was going for the second box and he found them. If you go over to Matt's house, he'll show you that his dog's blind. It's a good trick. You give him a snack in his head. You hold a piece of food and he's like,
He's like, nose is fucked up. So he doesn't know where... He doesn't know anything. He just lays in the... We put him out in the sun now. He just lays out. That's probably fine for him. He loves it. He's a really great dog. He's a nice dog. Yeah. He's good. Got a yard. Dude, exactly. I'm telling you, he made out the best with us moving. He just lays... I took a picture of him. He just went blind.
It's perfect. Perfect. You move to Texas, you go blind, you just lay out in the sun. That's what we're all trying to do. That's really what we're all trying to do. We just want someone to lead us out into the yard. That's what it's really all about. I give him a CBD treat. Yeah. These ladies are like, that's nice. Yeah. It's crazy.
Good guy. Good dog. I think that's an episode. I think we did it. I think we did it. Tim. Dude, thank you. That was awesome. So fucking funny. Jesus Christ, man. Killed me. We're going to do a Patreon episode. You're welcome to stay. I'm going to do my own. Totally. It's never ending. None of this ends. No, I knew that was it. I'm going to go. Colin Quinn said to me once, he goes, when's the season finale of any of that? I'm like, there is. It just never ends. It doesn't. Yeah. It's good. All right. Thank you guys. Appreciate it. Appreciate you.
