Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Yo. We're recording. Yo. Wow. Welcome to the podcast. I'm sure you've already noticed my sick-ass fucking Drake pants. Not a big deal. I didn't know they were Drake pants. Yes, dude. These are Drake pants. Dude, that's fucking... Oh, now I see the Nocta. Come on, bro. You know I'm...
This was a drunk purchase that I instantly regret as soon as I put them on. No, this is proof of the singularity. All worlds are coming together. I'm like a fat fool. I walked outside and somebody yelled that at me. No, I doubt it. He's a giant fat fool. Some guy driving by, you fat fool. Hey. I said, you get off my, I said, keep it moving. This is a neighborhood. Nobody yells out of cars anymore. It doesn't happen. I just watched Drive-By Insults on YouTube.
It's the fun. It's still hilarious. It's unbelievable. It holds up. It's so fucking funny. I mean, especially when you do them in real life. There's nothing funnier. Yeah, we did it for a while. I did. I spent my whole high school years doing that. Movie theater lines. Yeah. What was the movie theater? Oh, yelling. People waiting outside the movie theaters. Just yelling at them. Yeah, I mean, even just a classic quick driving by and just be like, bitch. Yeah. You can still do it. Yeah.
Yeah, true. Although that'd be such a funny thing to get caught doing. That'd be such a funny thing to get arrested for. Fat bitch. Yeah, keep it moving, you fat bitch. That'd be fun. You call the guys pussies. Pussy. Fuck you, pussy. Yeah, it just activates a dude's lizard brain right away. If you're driving, especially through a college town, you're like, pussy. You see four dudes like...
The fucking invisible enemies all around them. That activated the Ocon man when we were in Florida State. It fucking pissed me off. Someone called him a pussy? Yeah, some fucking frat dude from his top balcony. We were walking to the Notre Dame game and some dude was like, you guys are fucking gay. You guys look like fucking Biden voters. And I was like, boom. And then he was like, they were making fun of me for being pale. Which is actually kind of, they could have gotten me. From the frat? Yeah. Jacked frat dudes with their fucking gay abs.
From a balcony yelling down to us. And Chris was like, you're white too. I was like, shut the fuck up, Chris. You're making it worse. Don't respond. Yeah, I don't know that I'd be able to let that go. I'd have to be like, you guys are... Yeah, but you'd yell something funny back. You'd be like, hey, you're white. True, yeah. I mean, it's a classic. Didn't you guys all have to fucking blow each other to get in your club, your little friend club? You would have yelled something insane back. You guys paid money for friends, anything. Speaking of Florida State frats, there's an Instagram group that I've been...
I've been staring at like a psycho in the dark. What? I've got to show you these boys. One of these kids, look, I don't want to make fun of the guy because he's young, but... For sure. It is. You know what? That might have to be like the new thing that we do now that we're elders of like just completely flaming young dudes. Because it's like a...
We used to, like, cut their penises open and make them, like, put their finger through their penis. Now it's like we can make fun of their account. There was rites of passage back in the day. Yeah. So I feel like any young man's Instagram is totally open to public ridicule and shame. Bro. What are they doing? I'm going to go with the pink cow, kill your short start off. Oh, no. It's chest day, so I'm excited. Throw in some white socks, bro.
That's what he does. He does get ready, get ready. Yeah. And then it gets worse. Him and his boys constantly dress up like army guys at parties. They steal valor? That's kind of tough. No, dude. Why are they doing that? I don't fucking get it, dude. Dude, that's like... I don't get it. Yeah, that's like been on Adderall since birth shit, man. They're at a party. The dudes, they're wearing bulletproof vests and camo pants. There's nothing wrong with that.
Also, obviously, there's a fucking college check, dude. Not a big deal. Yeah. Are they ROTC guys? I don't think, dude. What do you think of what you just saw?
I mean, I don't know, dude. It's like, uh, we're fine. We're actually, we're definitely old. Yeah. I think that would fuck up anybody to see. Yeah. But we're getting old enough where I can't like you. I used to see like a kid being a douche and I would like, I'd be like, all right, I see what he's going for. You understand it. I don't, I can't comprehend. No dude. Dude's wearing army outfits.
Yeah, man, there's there's dudes now. So we escaped like our personalities formed pre Internet. There's dudes whose personality has like a serious molding effect or the Internet has a serious molding effect on their entire personality.
And it's like, they're like being shaped. They see TikToks and they're like, yes, this is what me and my boys do. We come out. He has a fucking catchphrase. He's 12. He has a fucking catchphrase. And he's like, I'm going to get ready with you. Get ready, boy. I'm going to get ready. But it's like, it's nonsense. Thank God we had South Park. That's all we had. Yeah.
It's just South Park. Dude, this is Adderall and then your mom telling you you're handsome for your whole life, dude. And your dad's just away on business. I will say those are handsome boys, dude. They are handsome boys. They all have fucking abs and are tan and that fucking TikTok haircut. They're shredded. They're shredded boys. But dude, one day they'll be our age and they're going to have to go get ready with your get ready boys. They'll be like, shut the fuck up. Don't bring that up. Don't bring up the get ready with your get ready boy. Holy fuck. Yeah, man.
I mean, that's catastrophic. Yeah. That's like a life-changing disaster to be posting that. Dude, it's like everyone's, they're getting like child. Although, I mean, again, we're doing it. True. At least our stuff has depth. Our stuff is so deep. That's the difference. But dude, imagine like, they're getting like child star brain for no reason. They're just bringing child star brain onto themselves.
And then it's, you know, I don't know. I mean, I guess they're fucking ladies and getting. No, I fell into a deep boy hole the other night. And while I was in that deep boy hole rooting around, that kid made another video where he was like saving himself for marriage. He loves Jesus. That guy specifically? Yes. Yeah, but dude, that's become like a new hot guy ploy. I think the boys are into like edging.
Now we're getting somewhere. If you're telling me these kids aren't coming, now I'm totally with the militia. The sexy militia. Good, sexy militia. Dude, we're a sexy militia. We're just trying to show people our abs. Show our abs. Work out. Don't fuck. Never fucking do that. Yeah, but they're going to end up kissing each other, dude.
That's the problem. That is a breeding ground for dudes kissing. They're getting like, you're watching TikTok, you're like, yeah. We lived together with dudes in Philly. I came close to kissing. I almost kissed Beezer. Yeah, I mean, it happens. Woodman would show his abs. Woodman would be in that crew. Oh, dude, it was... That whole house, the whole time was just us waking up with each other. I'm like, we can't. Seriously, dude, I know. It's so tempting, but we can't. But if we were making that much content, we would have definitely kissed each other. Yeah.
So, yeah, being like in a content house. Dude, you know what I just watched? I didn't watch all of it. I kind of fell asleep. I watched Jake Paul. Jake Paul is the boxer. I watched him on Aubrey Marcus's podcast, and he was explaining how he was like a young man in a content house. He was like, it just totally took over my entire personality. It's pretty wild. Good for him. Oh, dude, yeah. He's like being honest about it. It was pretty tight. Him and Aubrey Marcus, they're like fucking toad venom together and shit and just fucking cry. It's tight. Yeah.
He's like brother we do the RV Marcus podcast is my favorite thing in the world I've never heard of it. He it's just him talking about plant medicine journeys and him. I've seen it. It's tight If they're on I would have seen it by now. It's just him being like the devil's real and think I've done so much fucking ayahuasca I know the devil's real and people being like do not me too. I've done I was good. I know the devil's real and I'm like dude I I knew it was real this whole time. Yeah, I
But yeah, it was making me laugh. It was refreshing to see old fucking Paul just up there and being like, yeah, dude, I was a fucking dumbass. Nice. Yeah. He's talking about his father being emasculated. He's like, I watched my father just lose everything. What, to his mom? No, not that. It was just, I mean, probably too, but he just tried a business and it failed. And he's like, he came to me when I was a young boy and he's just beside himself like, I failed.
We have to move. He's like, I just watched my father being moved. You can never tell your kids you failed. No. You have to be like, turn down the fucking lights. Turn off that bullshit. We're moving to a smaller house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can never do it. Yeah. Have to just be like, yeah, man, fucking. That was like the whole point of Catch Me If You Can. You ever see that movie? Yeah. I don't remember him doing it. Yeah, in the beginning, his dad like.
can't get alone shit like that yeah and he spazzes can't if you're a dad you can't tell your kids you failed or let them see you fail no no no you know we've talked about it like you're falling down in front of you you're like your dad gets drunk and falls oh dude what a loser you got it you got to hide that from it's fucking jarring dude you see your dad fall when you're little you're like yo what the fuck that guy's supposed to be like walking and stuff janitor's set of keys falls out of his fucking light dungarees
You learn he's just been chained to the school. The janitor key ring goes to the school. He can only go 50 feet away from it. As far as I can come, son. Good luck in your game. Yeah. Yeah, dude. No, you have to just, here's the thing. If you're a dad and like your shit's not going your way, you just identified an outside force and demonize it.
Being like, I was going, everything was going well, but then these motherfucking X, Y, and Z fill in whatever you want. You know what I mean? It could be anything. Yeah. Blame an outside force and then raise your kid to hate those people for no reason that he, so that he holds you in high esteem.
Yeah, don't take that out. That's the key. Yeah. It's the key to life. For sure. To any good nation. There you go. This isn't our fault. This is not our fault at all. We are the best. We're actually the good guys again in every conflict. Again, we're good again. Can you fucking believe it? I know. And then we should just have the most. That's all. It's that simple. We should have the most. Yeah, man. But those kids will do all right, man.
they're gonna be fine they've just thankfully they're wearing all that face paint true hopefully no one can identify them in a few years yeah i mean yeah there's the the luck or the good thing behind that there is such a like a deluge of just fucking bullshit that like it'll just all wash out like yeah i was just a hot ab guy for a while and i'm like that's cool yeah i was it's better than what i was doing yeah true i was just drunk crying
Yeah, but that comes with like... He's squeezing... I'm not going to shit on this kid, but that does... I wouldn't be surprised if that stuff goes hand in hand with grabbing a girl's face as hard as you can and be like, fucking look me in the eye! It really does. It does, dude. I see that and I go... You're painting a very vivid picture. Every one of those dudes screams in women's faces. Oh, dude, at some point it's just like, what the fuck? Yeah.
You can't do this to me. Yeah, you can't do this to me. But again, I've been there. I've sent some fucking gay ass emails. Yeah, the emails. I've sent emails. Dude, the emails are so. I fucking miss you. I love you so fucking much. Emails are a good venue for that though. It wasn't. They're out there somewhere. They're very embarrassing. Yeah, but text is like not formal enough. You got to send them. That's like basically writing a letter.
Yeah. You said the breakup emails. Jesus Christ, dude. It's so fucking funny. Oh, my God. I'm thinking about the things I've sent. I've never once thought about the... Holy fuck. Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my God. I've sent like... Oh, my God. Well, it is... It is funny. That is something that's funny, though, how like... You know, that's... I don't... I get... You know, it's...
it's not even like necessarily cancel culture but like at some point the media just started like a cancel culture oh bro it's the pendulum swinging the pendulum is swinging but the switch it's about to switch so quick it's gonna swing like we're gonna become fascists it's gonna swing so hard we become a right-wing nationalist country we're just gonna finally find a leader we all love in the door who's like a you know manifestation of divinity and the next guy the next guy is gonna look so good whoever's next i know after these two are out of the way
Dude, it's still bizarre. How are we locked into this? How is there no one else? Everyone's like, but what happens, they do it every year. They go, well, he's going to fuck up his chance if this guy runs. We need this guy because this guy's got experience. Yeah, I was going to say, the reason there's no one else is because the two parties make sure there's no one else. Talking about the duopoly. Yeah.
RFK better break the duopoly. He better break... He better break the duopoly, dude. But yeah, there's been like a... Maybe it always was a case because there always was scandals in media, but now they're like... It used to be like you'd have to like steal $10 billion and like, you know, cheat on your wife. And they'd be like, hey, you know what's fucked up? Now they're like...
This guy was mean. And everyone's like, yeah, he's fucking mean. It's like, meanwhile, dude, I drive on the road. Everyone's being like, fuck you. Ellen DeGeneres was mean. She was mean. Yeah, she got... That was weird, too. She got canceled for being mean. She must have been mean as fuck, dude. Yeah. Or it was a totally false accusation, but...
She must have been mean, dude. You got to watch these assistants, dude. Yeah, you got to really watch who you hire. Big Willie style is dealing with a fucking whopper right now. What's going on with Big Willie? His assistant came out and was like, yo, fuck Dwayne Wade or Dwight Howard or whatever. I get him confused. He's like, he fucked Dwight. He's like, his assistant just came out of nowhere and was like, yo, I saw him fuck Dwight Howard. Why did he do that? I don't know. I was trying to figure it out. I'm like, what's the fucking... He must have tried to extort him.
Must have tried to blackmail him. Big Willie said, nah, dude. Yeah, go for it. I'm not paying you. You can have that. Yeah. I'd be happy if fucking Will Smith fucked Dwight Howard. Just to stick it to his wife, his mean ass wife. You said Will Smith fucked Dwight Howard? Who's the one who keeps getting... Dwight Howard was one of the... He's the guy. He was in hot water. He's busted. Then a guy came out and was just like, bro...
Yeah, there was like a... Yeah, I've been avoiding it. I have the video about it. I want to delve in, but I'm like, I don't want to... I can't get involved. It's too much on me emotionally. The whole slap at the Oscars threw me into an abyss for a while. It did fuck up our entire country. It did, dude. The slap at the Oscars fucked this country up. Yeah.
That was just like a weird... I think that, yeah, true. I mean, there was the Trump thing for real, like ruined people's lives. Yeah. Slap at the Oscars were just like, that happened and people just got like unsettled. Like, what is going on? Not the Oscars. This is a fine institution. That's not how you conduct yourself. Not at the Oscars. No. Not in front of the entire academy. You're supposed to fake smile about empty inspirational speeches. And then some type of activist speech. Yeah, dude, that was... Yeah, man. But yeah, dude, that's...
It is funny. The more I watch those, anyone get in trouble for anything now, it's like, yeah, I've done that. Anything that comes out, I'm like, oh, yeah, I've done that, too. Shit, we're getting in trouble for that? I know. It was Dwight Howard, and he also slept with Diddy at the same time. He fucked Diddy and Will Smith at the same time? That's what the article's saying. Boys can be players, too, dude.
Boys could totally replay. Dude, that's kind of an accomplishment. Did he and Will Smith? Did he and Will Smith? Dude, I think so. I mean. Did he and Will Smith? Who's next? I think that's the peak. That's every black conspiracy is just Jay-Z eating babies and every entertainer having sex with Will Smith. They're right though.
I mean, dude, his, so literally every famous black person comes out and there is the black conspiracy that they're gay every time. And then it's actually, this is like Alex Jones. Yeah. I mean, Dwight Howard, they've been after, I heard things. Dwight was, that's been ongoing for years. And I heard years ago that Will Smith and would go to like Dwight Howard, like mansion parties and swing. By the way, if you swing, this is just what happens.
If you get into swinging, you're going to do gay stuff. It's just going to happen. You're going to be like, yeah, dude, I'm going to have sex with so many ladies. Then the dude's just going to start pushing your shoulders into your wife and you're going to be like, thanks, bro. And then he's just going to kiss you. There's a third point of pressure that wasn't there a moment ago. They describe it as murderous sex. Murderous sex. Who describes it? The article on here, Will Smith, on having murderous sex.
uh, with these, uh, Oh, there's a few men on here actually. Why is it murderous? That's what I don't know. That's how they described it. What's the website? Uh,
Blacksportsonline.com. Nice. They could have just went with sports online. It's a little redundant, folks. Blacksportsonline.com. We need to start white sports online. Also, they could just be blacks. It could just be sports.com. It's online, obviously. Yeah, true. Blacksportsonline.com.com. Sports.com. What's sports.com? That's got to be... It's just Will Smith kissing Pete. It seems like they're wasting...
Sports.com? Yeah. I've never visited sports.com. It's got to be sick, dude. It's got to be just...
Is there sports.com? There is a sports.com, but it just goes to a blank page. Oh, that dude's sitting on the fucking hyperlink. That's how it says sports. Fuck yeah, dude. It's a good website. Yo, hit him up for a sponsorship. This episode is brought to you by sports.com. Yeah, this episode is brought to you entirely by just sports in general. Sports.com and also blacksportsonline.com. Blacksportsonline.com. H-T-T-P slash blacksports.com.
On the internet.com. Full of vicious rumors going around. Murderous sex? Murderous gay sex? I mean, as a journalist, that's like losing journalistic credibility. It's like, unless he's talking about those cheeks clapping. You know what I'm saying? I think it is literally describing it as like destructively gay. Like, powerfully gay.
That would be a, I mean, Dwight Howard's a monster. Yeah. We saw him. We did. We saw him against Oklahoma City Thunder that day. Yeah. He was huge. That sleepy couple. You remember that sleepy couple? Now I know why they were probably sleeping. They were destructively plowed by Dwight. They probably got dogged out, dude. Oh my God. Dwight probably had his way with them. He was huge, dude. Dwight Howard is fucking enormous. Yeah. Yeah.
There is something kind of uncanny about a dude that big being gay. Yeah. Just the sheer scale of his gay sex is just nothing to do with being gay. It's just like, man, that's... It strikes fear into us honest cis men. True. If I think about what he could do to me, I go... Yeah, gay giant. I shudder. 6'10". He's 6'10". It would change your life, dude.
Yeah, it would alter. It would alter you physically for a while. Dude, imagine you're in a pool and his wingspan is coming at you. It's so scary. And he just wraps you up like a fucking anaconda. You go, Dwight, let me breathe. Dwight, please, for real. Dwight, Diddy, what the hell are you doing here? Oh, shit, Big Willie, what the hell? Diddy pops out. Diddy pops out.
Diddy's been on some weird... Now he's got a stew going. True. You get all those boys in the pot. Now he's got a stew going right now. I'm going to start writing for BlackSportsOnline.com. Yeah, it'd be easy. Just making shit up. Totally make stuff up. I saw Meek Mill, you know, just... Yeah. Meek Mill's slipping into Kanyeville, dude. I saw that interview about testosterone. I didn't see that. I've been watching his tweets. Whenever dudes start being like, I'm sick of these 300-page contracts. It's time for... It's like, dude...
You're slipping. The contracts are big. The contracts are bullshit. I get it. I understand not liking the contracts. I get it. You just have to trust the guys. Yeah, for sure. You have to trust those guys. You're a stone's throw away. Once you start talking about the contracts, it's like, yeah, for sure, dude. You fucking do a new contract. Once you start being like, these contracts are bullshit, it's like, yeah, dude. Yeah. They probably are. Money stuff's bullshit, too. I don't know anything about money stuff. Yeah, it's really confusing, man. They make it confusing.
true otherwise half these people don't have jobs the whole point is just to make it so they have to be able to be they're the only ones that can read this fucking document yeah you need like a finance lawyer the finance stuff makes no sense and then like you get guys who will sell you finance products where you're like they're like yeah dude this is the shit and then you look at it and they're making like 12 commission yeah you're like well this sucks for me actually yeah that's that's like the haziest realm of all
And a lot of the dudes who sell financial products have no real background in like financial. They don't understand how the products work. So they're just giving them, they're given like products to sell and they're just making a bunch of money. And the whole thing is like them being like, yeah, this is a good investment. You don't, a lot of it either. Yeah. That's where I lose. And it can not pan out. No, I understand the economy. Yeah. I don't understand. Nobody does. I don't understand anything.
dude what i've heard is you buy stocks that pay dividends and you buy them in companies that have paid dividends as long back as like through the great depression dividends and just like these guys paid through the great depression but then usually you're buying them that are like they're tied to like they're like buying up lakes now so you have to you have to pick a team you got to get in you have to pick a team okay nestle can have the lakes just give me 50 cents a month flint's not getting water nestle's getting the lake
That's a good deal. Whoever the guy who owns the lake is, it's a quality deal. Yeah, I mean. They'll sell you that fucking lake. That's a good one. Yeah, they keep saying Bill Gates is buying up all the farmland. It's like, shit, man. Good call. What's he going to do with it? Dude, if Gates controls all the food. Gates better not control my fucking food. Although Bezos, he owns Amazon, so maybe he'll have like a billionaire food battle. That'd be good.
Yeah. Also, it's like, then you buy the food, dude. You buy the food. Yeah, buy all the food. He's buying all the farmlands. Like, okay, buy some, get on, start farming. Stop bitching about it. Yeah. Don't not farm and be bitching about the farmlands, dude. Couldn't agree more. Although people could swoop in. I don't know. Again, I'm out of my depth. Is there some farmers out there going like, dude, Gates came to me with the ultimate offer. What the fuck do you want me to do? You have to. He'll start, maybe he'll start robo farming. Oh, it'd be so nice to get the offer. You can stop fucking farming.
I mean, I'm sure a lot of them find it peaceful, but I've seen those. You ever see those fucking chicken farms? It's so hard. Well, then you either merge with machine, and then it's just like you come out to just a sci-fi horror all day of just like a machine lopping chickens' heads off, and you have to just sit there and be like, all right, what do I got going on today? It's just... You gotta just listen to... Life on the farm is kind of laid back, ain't no... You know, just tossing animals into a meat grinder. Good Lord. You open just a small cube, and there's just chickens like...
Help me. Spear eggs. Yeah, that's a... It goes straight to me. They just throw them in there, and then I'm sitting there with a delicious plate of buffalo chicken wings. I want to get into that, though, of like starting a restaurant where it's like this is all GMO. The chickens have like the least possible legal space to move. Like this is the most efficiently farmed foods you can think of.
I want to see every restaurant. It's like farm to table. I want to have pictures of just like a commercial industrial farm set up for chickens. Yeah. All over. Chickens are just squashed in a gloomy factory. Just headless cows. That would be nice. Dude, having the slaughter floor would be that'd be a sick steakhouse on the slaughter floor. It's like clear windows and you're eating steaks. You're just watching them. It's go. You're going. Oh, yes. The slaughterhouse reminds me. I tried to watch Blade on the plane.
How was that? It was a huge mistake. Guy gets fucking head in the first scene. What? I was sitting next to people. On blade? I looked like a freak, dude. Yeah, dude. Yeah, guy was getting head in the beginning. How graphic of a head scene was it? It was pretty wild. He was kissing a girl and another girl was sucking his dick. Whoa. Yeah, I did one of those like... Shit, dude. I'm watching porn up here.
Anyway, I didn't mean to throw that off. No, not at all. Dude, that terrifies me, people watching me watch, because I'm judging everybody. I want a plane going, what the fuck? Everybody's watching superhero movies. Yeah, true. We're all fucked. Yeah, those things are pretty bad. The Bill Gates food, he supplies McDonald's with all the potatoes for all their french fries.
fuck i heard russia was like big on that too russia has this black soil that's about i think ukraine too yeah that's like so rich that it grows potatoes like none other but yeah so bill gates supplies mcdonald's he's the plug 100 circle farms is where they buy it from bill gates owns the farms that gives the potatoes to them he's growing potatoes yeah you can see the potato farms from space it says
Who the fuck's looking at potato farms from space? Also, they grow underground. There they are. I see the potato farm right fucking... So they're just gigantic potato farms? Yeah, just huge circles of potato farms. They better not fuck with potatoes, dude. They fucked with wheat and now I can't eat that. They fucked my potatoes up. I'm going to be pissed. Also, giving an empire like Bill Gates access to our potatoes. Our people have done this before. Our people have...
True. If Bill Gates decides to take all the potatoes and sell them somewhere else and we starve, and everyone's like, oh, you guys, you needed potatoes. Yeah. They make fun of us instead of acknowledging our genocide. That'd be bullshit. And then they enslave us again. That'd be fucking bullshit. Never. Also, I wonder, and I don't want to speculate wildly, but I wonder if Bill Gates is saying he's doing a potato farm, but he's really growing Cabbage Patch Kids. Send to the island.
Remember that? Remember when people were fist fighting over those fucking things on Christmas? Well, he was at the island. I wanted a Cabbage Patch doll. BG was at the island so many times. My family never got a Cabbage Patch. The Cabbage Patch doll? They wanted one, dude.
Wait, you guys a cabbage patch? Yeah, the cabbage one that like people were going insane over or no, it was tickle me Elmo. No, yeah. Cabbage patch. Cabbage patch also. Cabbage patch. Were they were they hot? My sisters actually had a cabbage patch. I was about to say they were. Yeah, you go inside and kiss it at night. I was too young. We're cabbage patch babies, just like little babies that were like laying like what was their whole origin story? It was just they're like it had like plants on their head or something.
They would grow out of a cabbage, of course, and then... Yeah, this could be what Bill Gates is growing. BG's growing cabbage. He's done, he's gone. We're going to need a fresh batch of children. Yeah, that really fell away really quickly. Epstein's Island? Epstein's Island stuff, yeah. The only traction it's ever gotten is dudes on podcasts going...
How about that? That was weird. No one cares. Well, dude, he got jammed up by a reporter being like, why did you keep talking to him? Like, you knew he was a pedophile. And he was like, well, he's dead. Well, he's dead now, so there's that. He's dead now. Yeah.
Jeez. That must feel good, though, to be a billionaire and be like, yeah, you know he's dead, right? Yeah. I'd be like, yeah, you're right, actually. You weren't there. You didn't do any weird shit at the Iron Bill. You know that guy you're talking about? He's fucking gone now. But yeah, go ahead. Keep asking me about him. Nah, you got it, bro. How about all those potatoes you got? That is kind of cold. It's top G. It's real cold. Truly top G. Top G shit. God damn, I can't believe how much I've come around on Andrew Peck. He's quiet now. He is a little quiet, but I'm still getting clips. I'm into the hot dude algorithm right now.
And it's pretty good. Yeah, dude. Fucking, dude, speaking of. I was, it was actually on the same flight I was watching Blade. I got a friend of mine sent me a vine or a reel of him saying, yeah,
chugs water all at once and I had just gotten done doing that anytime I get one of those little bottles on a plane I chug the whole thing and then sometimes it takes longer than I think it's going to and I chug for like a very long time and I just must look like a fucking I must look insane I chug my glass watching blade chugging water as hard as you can it's fucking out of control
Yeah, I drink so much water on flights. And I sleep like five different times. I wake up, chug the water. My mouth has never been more open than it is. I don't know why. I think it's because it's the only time I sleep sitting. And there's this vampire 69 on your screen. There's a vampire 69 on my screen. I have glasses on and I'm going... And I'll wake up and go...
Yeah. Oh, man. I drink enough water to where the stewardesses, they'll be like, wow, that's after I get done, like, you drank a lot of water. I just keep ordering them. Because when they come back to you, dude, if you turn their stuff down, they get kind of butt hurt. If you're like, I'm good. Oh, with the snacks and shit? Yeah, I'm like, I'm good. And they're like, well, and it's like, and they get kind of like. You can take as many as you want. It's all right. I didn't pay for the fucking roasted pistachios. I know. I'm good. I don't want it.
But yeah, but I take, so I usually, I'll be like, yeah, just keep giving me water. And they keep coming back. And I'm like, yeah, I guess I could have more water. And they're always like, you drank a lot. Yeah. I'm like, thanks, babe. Obviously, lady. Hydrating up. I am hydrated. Yeah, dude. That's why I tell them, I say, well, you know, when you're this close to the sun. Yeah, you should put on sunscreen. No, I'm talking to her. Yeah. I'm talking about her. I'm saying I'm this close to the sun.
just buttering up the 50 year old lady i had a bad interaction with a 50 year old lady last night when i did the bucket show the lighting made her look like a serious senior citizen oh no and i like was like oh you've been around since like the depression and she's like i'm 50 fucking five and i was like oh shit i was like you do and i like took a step back and i was like yeah you know what i was like it's just the lighting and i was like and you have that old ass dumb ass haircut yes oh i missed it damn you're doing wild
I've been doubling down. I came across a fucking, all respect, I came across a one-armed man in my travels as well. He was leaning against the wall like this, and I thought he had his arm in a sling. It was five minutes into a fucking set. This dude had an arm in a sling sitting against the wall, and he yelled out like twice, and I was like, ha-ha. Oh, he yelled out twice? Well, I was like, I didn't know. I was like, what did he say? And he was just like, and it was just like when people yell a thing out, and you're like, oh, that makes no sense. I was like, oh, okay, weird. Then I just looked, and I was like, the fuck's up with your arm? Because I thought he had broke it. I thought he broke it. I thought it was in a sling, and he just went like,
I went, oh shit, you don't have it? And he was like, no. And I was like, oh fuck. How did he lose it? Did you ask him? I talked to him afterwards, car accident, like a long time ago. Oh, fuck. Yeah, dude. It was just like, it was five minutes in. I was just like, fuck.
Couldn't stop thinking about it. Yeah, that's bad. Talked to him afterward. He was the man. But I still, you have to double down. You ran into a one-armed man and made fun of him for not having an arm? Dude, I specifically said, what the fuck's up? I thought he broke it. It was like a sling in his shirt. And I was like, what the fuck's up with your arm? Any adult breaking their arm is hilarious. Like, what were you doing? How did you break your arm? And I said, he was a good sport about it. Because I kept being like, I don't know. I forget what I said. I was like, well, if you want to keep the other one, I suggest you shut the fuck up. Yeah.
You have to double down and then apologize profusely afterwards. And then regret it as soon as no one else in the crowd laughs. Yeah, it was tough. I'm sorry, everybody. Yeah, especially the coming right out. I've been doing that a lot lately. I've got to stop. I've got to shut up. You forget. I mean, dude, when you're flying so high creatively, you forget. It is such a creative endeavor. It is. Talking about jacking off. Literally the first thing I talk about. Talking about jizzing every night.
You have to, dude. You have to talk about jizzing. Dudes forget about it. They get so locked up with stuff. They forget about, you know, jizzing. They forget about how fun it is to talk about jizzing with friends. It's the best. Yeah. Then your girlfriend has to hear people talking jizzing and then she eventually breaks the ice melts and she's like, yeah, jizzing does a role. Yeah. I want jizz on me. Can I jizz on you? It's a big jizz commercial. So like dudes can maybe stand up as a jizz commercial. Yeah.
Yeah. This reminds me of my, this is not funny, but sorry to everybody trying to buy tickets, dude. Oh, yeah. Scalpers go wild. I set my ticket prices as low as I can. Yeah. The lowest by a lot of anybody doing touring. And yeah, scalpers keep getting them. Dude, and the fucked up thing is they- Bothers me, because then somebody pays $300 to see me up there talking about jizzing. Yeah. And I feel bad. True. Yeah.
Jeez, dude. We're back. Sorry, we're talking a little inside baseball about the jizz. Yeah, it is. True. And how fucking lame scalpers are. That's fucking bullshit, bro. It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel silly. What's their penalty? 20 years in jail? No, it's totally legal. What? It's totally legal. But they can't stand outside and sell them. Doesn't a cop punch you in the stomach if you stand outside? I think it's legal to scalp now. Really? Yeah. Someone decrimmed it? Yeah.
I was told truthfully that one of my only options was to write to my congressman. For real? Because I was like, why don't you guys fucking regulate this? Yeah. Make it so if somebody buys a ticket online, they can't resell it for more. That has to be the easiest program possible to make. That's actually really easy. Why not make that? And they're like, it's illegal. Free market, yeah. Yeah. Capitalism, bro. Elon Musk tried to do that with a Cybertruck. $50,000 if you sold it within the first year.
what do you mean he would sue the owner oh you can't have to pay 50 grand if they sold it within the first year oh because they buy the cyber trucks up and then they would flip them oh yeah so but they had to take it out because legally he could not do that damn so dudes just bought up fleets of cyber trucks what the hell what do the cyber trucks do are they like electric trucks yeah yeah damn you can't shoot an arrow through them
Rogan proved that. They brought a cyber drug and he shot a fucking bone arrow at it. Did it bounce off? Yeah. Why are they so arrow resistant? He made them like bulletproof. Why? I don't know what he's preparing for. He's going to go to war with Bill Gates, obviously. For the potatoes. That would be tight.
Yeah, why can't we just not have a president? Whatever billionaire we're behind kind of supports us futilely. What do you think we have, dog? True. They should just come out and we're the top ballers. Fuck these guys. We have the most money. I think they essentially have.
Yeah. It's right there. True. But then they have these. The government's like, you have to listen to Pfizer. True. All right. Obviously Pfizer's. But they should come out and just be like, they should like come on emergency broadcast and be like, I am your overlord. Fuck. They don't have to. True. Yeah. Just doing it. They can trick you into being a bad person. Fucking bad joke.
What else is going on, Matthew? Oh, I got to tell you, I lifted with The Rock yesterday. Dude, how was that? That guy's awesome. That's awesome. I feel like such a fool. I was. Here's the thing. Yeah.
I made fun of The Rock a while ago. My bad on that. True. Of course that clip exists on the internet. Nobody clips me two years ago going, I was wrong, The Rock's cool. I know. That clip's not out there. It's just me going like, fuck The Rock, I'm fucking working out. Fuck that. He was flexing in your face. I was hungover. I was in a hotel room. He was flexing in my fucking face. Yeah.
talking about clanging and banging in the iron paradise and i was he wouldn't care he's like dude you're in the iron army now dude don't know i joined the iron pair i was in the iron pair now that i've seen the light of the iron paradise dude he is massive he's huge dude yeah that's fucked up to see him in person because he's gotta be dude i had guys from uh and he was the coolest dude
He was like a nice, sweet guy. Yeah, he was cool. Dude, I had guys from Wisconsin's football team come out to a show. And like, dude, I wanted to stand on a box. They were all 6'5". It's fun when the big boys come, right? It's nice. I just took a picture and shook hands. And I was like, Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, you had little tiny hands. I was like a girl. I felt like a girl, dude. Yeah. So he was the man. He was the absolute beast. He was one of the coolest people I've ever met. That's awesome. As far as just being nice.
Really? Yeah, it was awesome. We were sitting in the sauna. Dude, I got to watch the sweat. Yeah, sitting across my body and his body. We were just staring at each other. You should have caught... I mean, I know I got to stop being gay about him, but you should have caught like a thimble of his sweat and his fucking went... I didn't... It didn't cross my mind.
Like, dude, don't be weird about this. You've been so cool the whole time. Let me just consume a thimble. Can I have some of your sweat? Can I have a thimble of your sweat? Yeah. He was... We were just talking. He was asking about comedy, about how, like, what was the first bit you did that you knew you could do stand-up? No, that's good. And then... Because for him, it was promos in wrestling. Oh, yeah.
And he was like, the first one I did. And he, it was funny. The way he talked to him, it was like, I didn't know. And he was like, one of the things I used to do is I would say, what's your name? Then I would say, it doesn't matter what your name is. And I was like, yeah, dude, I remember. It doesn't matter what your name is. That shit fucking, he did, dude. He was kind of, now you bring that up. He was a genius with that of like jabroni. It doesn't matter. He said jabroni. I said jabroni. I was like, that was the first thing I said. I was like jabroni caught on. He said that was Iron Sheik.
That was one of the Iron Sheiks. Oh, they could say. Yeah, he would say jabroni. To the Iron Sheiks? He took the Iron Sheik. Tight. But yeah, it was wild. Like him talking about like. It doesn't matter was, dude, that hit dude so hard. He wasn't extreme like Mankind or like those guys that would jump off the ropes and like go through a table and shit. So he was like, I didn't want to do that. So I needed to get good at promos.
good call and he was like that's how i i did it yeah and they gave it he was also yeah he's fucking jacked so he got yeah does he do you have to enter does he had to like make up his own finish or two is that like a thing you sit and brainstorm probably rock bottom was so nice rock bottom was tight it was very easy to do to little brothers and the people's elbow people's elbows i mean dude anytime someone was laying down it was just real quick
Yeah. People's elbows. I got into a mandible claw. That was a fucked up one. I would stick my hand in people's mouth. That was a fucked up one. That was a real fucked up one.
The stunner was also that. Yeah, that's a visionary. Yeah. That's a visionary move, dude. Kick to the gut. Of course, I'm going forward. It's like, where's he going? Oh, shit. No. Now my neck's broken. Curbsaw myself on his shoulder. Whatever. I just fell over. There's fuckers in every. Yeah. This guy pulled me forward.
Anyway, that was cool. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. You told me that yesterday and I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, and then Rogan posted a photo of it and I was standing way too close to the camera. I looked fucking ten times the size of everybody. It's awesome. It's very embarrassing.
that's fucking sick yeah you should get someone to like set you up like that and you can do it if you take a step forward and every i didn't do it on purpose it was an accident but you can easily do that i might start doing i've accidentally done it in several pictures fucking nice especially when you're in a group and it kind of bows yeah and then i i tried my best to avoid the outside because i literally look like it look i take up half the photo it looks like i'm the size of like three other people next to me
That's pretty tight. It's never flattering. No, dude, in that context. Every comment on that Rogan picture, it's like, holy shit, Shane's fucking gigantic, dude. Yeah, but that rules. Yeah. To be fucking mogging the whole squad, dude, from the photo. Did I ever talk about the Indian bots getting me? No. Oh, you didn't, dude. Yeah. What the fuck was that? It was just a wave, dude. Somebody must have sicked them on me.
Who? I don't know. Some evil motherfucker must have contacted you. I guess you can use Indian bots to just spam somebody you don't like. Why don't we start doing that? Somebody got me with just Indian dudes calling me fat. It was like a five-minute span of a thousand comments from Indian dudes talking shit. You are pathetic. It was like...
Nobody will respect you with your body. And then one of them that stuck with me that's so funny is big seats. They kept talking about it because I'm fat. I need big seats. And they're like, how could you find clothes? Big pants, big seats. I was just laying on my couch one night. I got 10 million notifications at once. I was like, what the fuck is going on? I can probably find them. They're nasty. Damn, dude.
What are the boys doing? I need another affiliation with the, which one do we call it? Armed Services, because it's like... If they're troops, I take it all back. They're hot troops. That's nice. Yeah, I mean, dude, it is kind of nuts to think about now to choose a life path around maximum virality where it's like, I'm a born-again Christian, I'm a troop.
I'm a fucking, I'm a single guy. That's like a good single guy. Tick tock and all that stuff's pretty nice. B who's the other, there's another guy that, that guy who's in his fifties who's really nice. Now somebody's spamming it with Israel. You have Israelis coming at you. Israel is the largest recipient of us foreign aid. This is just a picture of me with Naeem and Ahmed. Oh, that makes sense. All right. Israel is the largest recipient of us foreign aid. American taxpayers pay $13 million per day to Israel, which is,
uses it to slaughter Palestinian children while the world watches in silence. All right. Thank you for the comment on my picture. God dang. Yes, here they are. One guy commented, discipline. Discipline was my favorite. Don't sit near them. They might eat you. Chubby, you should be on a diet 24-7. Discipline. Fat man, you should eat less. Wide load. Yeah.
Dude. Lose some weight, weight man. Weight man. Holy fat. Fatness. Lose weight. You're the reason there are plus. That's a good one. There are plus? Yeah. Dude, lose some weight, fat man. Dude. Who was it, dude? I don't know. Who organized such a fucking... You are too big to be respected. I mean, what the fuck, dude?
You'll never fit into that chair. Big seats. These are big seats. I got big seats. How do you even get through doorways? What the fuck, dude? Oh, my God. Yeah. The Indian bots swarmed me. That's just one. That's just. Are they still on like fourth grade insults in India? Because they are all fourth grade insults. It's got to be just Google Translate. Yeah. Yeah. True. In Indian, that probably sounds good. True. Large pants.
Large seats. In Punjabi? Big seats. Don't come near them. They might eat you. It's probably a real threat. Well, I shouldn't have brought this up. Now I know every single comment that I'm going to get from here on out. It is funny. That's the one that got me. There's no denying it. Discipline. Discipline. Discipline was a tough one. Discipline is tough. Fuck that, dude. I'm cheering for Pakistan. Pakistan's in the bag, baby. True, dude. They shouldn't have fucked around. Pakistan!
That's how I'm going to reply to them. Next time the Indians swarm me, I'm going to go, I will be pilot and destroy all of India. Grab. You're pilot. Grab. Grab. Grab. I will give my life for Pakistan. That video is so good. Might be number one. Yeah, grab. Yeah, grab. Grab.
Might be number one video. Why are they speaking English in that video? I don't know. I mean. They have to scream in English. Thank God they did, though. They need the world to see it. It worked. It's so funny. It's good propaganda for Pakistan. It makes me love Pakistan. Pakistan is number one. Pakistan is in the bag. Yeah, Pakistan, number one. Yeah, that whole area, man. Someone, is anyone, I mean, obviously, besides the United States and stuff, what country is totally dominant over there? Is it Iran? Iran's.
I forget which one, Sunni or Shiite, and then Saudi Arabia is the other one. And Iran and Saudi Arabia don't like each other. Oh, that's the beef. And then those two kind of work on controlling the whole area, the whole Middle East. And we fuck with everything over there. So I guess Saudi must be Sunnis? Doesn't America fucks with the Sunnis and the Shiites kind of get the shit end all the time? I don't know. Just look up which one Iran is. Yeah. Iran might be those Shiites.
Because that's been the beef. The Shiites are like the direct, they claim to be the direct descendant from Fatima. Yeah, it's just who was Muhammad's. Yeah, the Sunnis are like, we rule. Shia, they're 95% Shia. Yeah, like we got all the- Who, Iran's Shia? Mm-hmm. Yeah, and Saudi Arabia is a Sunni, so we got all that motherfucking bread full of all that. Why did I think it was Shiite? I thought it was Shiite too. It's spelled Shiite, but they pronounce it as Shiite. Hmm.
Yeah, that's the big, they have a beef over like, they're like, yeah, we're like descendants of Muhammad's babe. Yeah. And the Sunnis are like, fall back, bro. Yo, shut the fuck up. We own all the fucking four wheelers and other cool shit. Dude, you guys can fall the fuck back with that. Yeah, it's all like blood lineage shit of like, we're descended from the guy. That seems worthwhile. Yeah, it's pretty tight. Seems like a worthwhile cause. Yeah, you know. Oh, dude, did we talk about Martin Luther, what that boy was up to?
Martin Luther, the fucking, the guy who started Lutheranism? No. Protestant reference. Just to show you how evil Prats are. What did he do? Go ahead and look up, I think he wrote a whole book on how much he hated Jewish people. Did he really? That they deserved to be in hell and like, yeah. Oh. So just so you know. Shout out to my Lutherans.
You should become Catholics. True. Yeah, he broke away. He printed the Bible for everyone to read. He was like, yeah, we should be able to read the Bible. The first thing that pops up is The Jews and Their Lies. The Jews and Their Lies was the pamphlet. The Treatsy? How do you even say what that type of book is? Yeah, they used to write pamphlets back in the day. Yeah, he wrote a long pamphlet on The Jews and Their Lies. All those little Lutherans out there.
Really? Yeah. Yeah, what a nasty group. Yeah, what's Lutheran's whole deal? Don't they eat real bread instead of the actual flaky cardboard? I don't know. I think Martin Luther, he was almost entirely Catholic. Obviously, he was Catholic, but it was like his church didn't really deviate that much. Yeah, he just wanted to be able to use it. I think his whole thing was like, we should be able to read the Bible ourselves. I also doubt the Catholic Church was much more enlightened on Jews at the time.
I think they were probably getting rowdy on him. Yeah. Inquisition and shit. Even the Pope, though? I think the Pope was probably like, what's up, bros? The Pope was probably like, chill. Everybody chill. Our new Pope apparently is chill as hell. The new Pope's a little too chill, dude. I need a good fire and brimstone freak Pope. He's coming. I want a freak Pope, dude. He's coming, dude. This might be the freakiest Pope, though. What about big guys? Dwight might have got him. Who am I to judge, dude? Yeah.
you you're the pope motherfucker apparently the pope apparently just calls people like randomly too really the pope yeah apparently the pope just like hits people up and is like yo what's up so it's me the fucking pope are you gay if so what ifs yeah it doesn't matter anymore we don't care anymore i don't even care dude i mean like please like us again it's not my thing per se but like whatever two guys do i don't give a fuck also i can't believe that dwight howard had sex with willis god doesn't even care what dwight howard did
Yeah, I wonder how vicious the gay sex was. I know we're back onto it, but Dwight must have been fucking dishing it out. Dwight was dealing. You think he was taking it a little? You think Diddy was getting in there a little? Diddy might have just been fucking hype manning the whole thing. He might have just been like, ha ha ha ha. I can't believe Diddy. Dude, he's been the subject of vicious rumors for the longest time.
Yeah, if Diddy's been subject, he's pretty wild, too. He got, like... Again, everyone thinks Kanye's the only dude, the only super-rich black dude who's completely out of his mind. Diddy's been pretty weird for a while. Dude, remember his fucking weird-ass Joker costume? That was actually sick. He was really good at it. That was actually sick. It was pretty scary to go that hard at it. Yeah, I don't know what the fuck those guys... I mean...
You got to think you're Diddy. It's been, you had the heyday in like the 90s, 2000s. Yeah, and he told us he wouldn't stop. He can't stop. He won't stop. He cannot stop. So now he's just a billionaire walking around places. It's got to be weird though because now it's just like he's just like a super rich billionaire guy. Yeah.
Just got to pop bottles. You got squash rumors that you and fucking Dwight Howard got nuts. I think all roads lead to sucking Dwight Howard eventually. I think eventually if you just grind hard enough, you're just going to be at a party. You're invited to the sickest party. There's so many fucking... Didn't you say gay dudes have the biggest dicks too? Statistically. So if you're a 6'10 black dude, that's gay. It's the top of the mountain. His dick, Dwight Howard's dong must be... It's top of the mountain. Yeah, they say statistically gay guys have bigger penises than straight guys.
Because it's something like a hormonal thing. Guess who's straight as hell, partner. Yeah, true. If you're ever wondering. Yeah, guess who's straight as hell. I had a like a startling micro flaccid bird today. That was like, usually I'm like, whatever. I'm pretty body positive. I caught this one today and I was going, what the fuck? I was like, am I scared? What am I afraid of right now? What the hell is going on?
Yeah, it's funny you mention that. I took a little gander this morning myself. It might have to do with sunflowers. Something with Texas. I think we're just getting acclimated. Our penis is probably hiding until it's time to come out and it's fully acclimated. Because I did literally the exact same thing this morning. You peeped. Yeah, I had to go somewhere this morning and I...
Woke up early and I was just looking in the mirror. My hair, like I'm getting like bald enough that like the sides stick out and only the side, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. So I had that. My gut was out and just a tiny bird was sticking out and I was looking in the mirror like, oh, fuck, dude. Discipline. Big pants. Big pants. Small penis. Large seats. Indians were right, dude. Yeah.
yeah it's for real it was like and i had like red dark red eyes it was it was hard i mean yeah i just woke up went to brush my teeth i looked like a fucking gargoyle i looked fucking inside i looked scary it was like scary how ugly i am it was an off-putting for real if somebody saw it it would be like
People would be scared of me. Which I guess is pretty sad. They should have walked in on a naked guy. Like, oh shit, my bad. No, they would have walked in and be like, oh, holy fuck. Holy fuck, what is that in there? It's the red eyes. Dark red eyes, the most pale, just veins, tiny bird.
got just get out of here what you doing knock next time oh my god yeah i just i just got out and was like i did the peloton so i got out of the shower and i was just like yeah that'll do it though workout i was crazy i was like what the it was how about the post cold plunge dick dude dude it might have rivals that rivals adderall yeah
Yeah, that's my, yeah, mine was, I mean, it was, I think I just confronted my minimum limit. I was like, this is as small. I was like, that's kind of nice. So I was like, okay, my penis can't get any smaller than this. This is as small. It was penis jerky. As bad as things get. It was penis jerky. It was rock bottom. It was penis jerky, dude. It was. It was.
All the liquid was out. It was dick rock bottom. It was. So I went down a Dwight Howard rabbit hole. And back in 2018, Barstow had a whole thing about that he was having sex with transgender women. Yes, I remember that. But that he was the bottom. Ooh. Yeah, Dwight Howard's the bottom in this. What do you think of that, Matt? Is that something you could even consider? Bottoming out for trans women?
I don't know. Titties on your back. Titties on the back would be nice. Titties on the back is nice. I just couldn't get my whole dugout. I couldn't get excavated. Yeah. It's just, dude, I'm telling you, it's just like, it's gotta, I don't know. I, that's one I could kind of foresee. I was like, also you, you would probably be using a condom. Yeah. Hopefully to prevent, hopefully save sex. Now you got just a rubbery dong going in and out of your fucking butt.
I mean, dude, it's lose-lose because if it sucks... Just getting your fucking bottom blown out by some guy. That's what I'm saying. If it sucks, it sucks. It's like, damn, I shouldn't have got butt-fucked. I was foolish. Yeah, when the fucking guy on top of you finishes, that's got to feel so bad.
Hearing a dude like... I don't know. What about not finishing, though? You'd be like, what the hell? Not finishing would hurt your feelings a little. That would stink. Dude, you're my first one. That should be tighter. Just get fucked in the ass and do it wrong? Yeah. Like, nah, I got fucked in the ass wrong. I'm such a fucking idiot. Or it's like total unimaginable pleasures, and now you're jonesing to get bottomed all the time. It's lose-lose. Yeah, there's no winning in this game. You just fucking keep the lid on the pot, and you just say...
Not today. Not today. Just take it one hour at a time. I'm not going to get fucking ass this hour if I can get through this hour. It's also, dude, it's got to be the most humiliating. And if it gets caught on cam, it's got to be the most humiliating footage.
Matt, I don't even want to imagine the idea of a video camera of me on all fours, dude. I can't. I can't. Oh. Oh, shit. Oh. Oh. Ow. Oh. Did you slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow? Yeah. Slow, slow, slow, slow, slow. It's too much. Yeah. Just go slow. Slow.
Yeah, dude. You like that? Josh would get bricked up over there. True. Although, again, imagine that coming out of like your tiny penis butt fuck video coming out. You're free for the rest of the world. You're out of the matrix. No homo on this. For sure. It's got to feel so good coming out. True. When they pull out, they're taking a giant dump. Turd, turd, turd, turd. That's probably what makes you cum.
So many turds. In is like ouch and then out is not. It's probably, yeah, it probably is. In's got to suck. Turd, turd, turd. But you know good things coming, which is a turd. It's going to feel like the biggest turd. And obviously you're fapping. I don't know if we're going to make it through this hour, by the way. We might be experimenting. Dare I throw in, you fapping yourself too? While you're turding? Imagine shitting. Try it next time you're shitting. Try to jerk off while you're shitting. While I'm shitting.
that's the true test that's the true gay test try to jerk off while you're shitting if you like it bad news bad news you are yeah and we don't care if you act on it but that might be the most wholesome for your family for your family's sake that might be the most wholesome route you can take yeah if you're late in homosexuality it's just be like hold on baby i take a shit and just be like oh fuck oh shit
Fuck, I got hard shitting. Just ODing, just elvising fiber gummies to the point where you're like building the biggest dongs inside of your body. You're just mass producing. I have been crushing fiber gummies. Mass producing. You're just trying to produce Dwight Howard's dong, dude. You can't. True. There's not a turd in the world. There's only one. There's like photographs of turds that maybe rival Dwight Howard's dong.
There's only one. This is crazy. This is not good. I know. Wait, what is the time? We need to... 55. Fuck. Hell yeah, we did it. I got a whiz. Whiz up. Let's take a whiz break. And then we'll come back to the regular this time. We will. We won't. Fuck them. And then we'll slide deeply into the page. God damn. I mean, dude, I will say there's something to be said about titties on your back. Titties on your back is awesome. That's what's up. Titties on your back is awesome. That's what's up. But...
Yeah. Dicking your ass is not great. Yeah. You can also, there's other ways to get titties on your back. Yeah. You can just have a girl put her titties on your back. What? Okay. So what if? No. This will take us. No. What if your choice was you can never touch a boob ever again? Just every woman you interact with, you were cursed and their titties would just wither and fall away.
Or you had to just one, just feel Dwight Howard's full fucking penetrating force. Just one in. And you can never squeeze tits again. You can never suck tits again. You can never touch. Titties disappear around you.
You see them and they just wither like the fuck. Does it disappear for everybody? Just for you. Just for me. Everyone else is still enjoying this. So I wouldn't be taking a bullet. I couldn't act like it was some type of selfless act. That's your cross. I couldn't tell everybody, like, dude, I had to do this. You sit on the cross. No, it's just for you. I mean, that's the obvious choice. You just treat it like a fucking surgical procedure and say, Dwight. Ooh, that would be getting surgical. Getting surgical.
That's been making me laugh. Dude, that was the funniest thing I've ever heard someone say. Would you take Dwight Howard's dick to save titties? Yeah. For myself? I'd have to. I'd love to be stoic about it and be like, I guess there'll be no more tits. It's like, dude, I need titties, bro. Tits rule. I need titties.
Yeah. And then it could be the solace could be you would have tits on your back while Dwight Howard fucking a girl's tits on your back. I don't think I want a woman in the room while I'm screaming. Dude, they would throw themselves at you. They'd be like, oh my God, this is so brave what you're doing. I think they would not like you. You might suffocate under all the tits, dude. They'd be like, oh my God, I can't believe you're saving the experience of tits for yourself. I don't think anybody, I wouldn't, I would say everybody get out of the room. This is for me and Dwight. This is just me and Dwight. Dwight, this is for you.
I don't think Dwight would even have me, dude. I'm such a fucking pig. Yeah, dude, don't say that. Dwight wouldn't even fucking have me. Dude, I know we joke around a lot, but don't fucking say that.
Don't you dare Matt? I don't think I genuinely I don't think Dwight would have he would surprise you you'd come in you'd be like wait I didn't sign up for this That is a caveat of the butt fucking to save tits Do you know it's happening or is it a or is it just it's in the contract? It's like you're gonna have tits if you sign this you got to get fucked by Dwight Howard someday
And it's a surprise when it happens. You could be out to dinner. You could be out with your family. Dwight comes in and picks your ass up. Wherever you are, he has the, he could be in front of the whole Red Lobster. He puts it in. You call an Uber and he's like, it's just Dwight. He turns around, it's Dwight. You go, damn, today's the day. Today is the day. Yep. Fake taxi. Or you start seeing tits start like pixelating around you. You're like, fuck, it's coming. Oh no. Yeah, whenever he gets close, tits disappear. Yeah. It's a good horror movie. It would be pretty good. Yeah.
That'd actually be a sick movie. What if it's not true? None of this is true. I mean, I think he, I think he's been fairly open. He's come out and said, first of all, I think he's been going around saying, dude, it's none of your business. Yeah. Which is sick. Also, he said specifically, it's none of your business where I lay my wood.
He said that? Yeah. Which is like, bro, that's kind of gay. That's pretty gay. Kind of gay is the answer you could say. It's kind of alpha, dude. It's obviously, it's incredibly alpha. It's so alpha that it's gay. Referring to your dick as your wood is, I forgot, I was like, damn, I forgot all about that, calling it your wood. Damn. No fucking business where I lay my wood. I don't think it's even his business where he lays his wood. I think it's wood. I think at this point, I bet that thing's got a mind. I think the wood is just. That's like a, yeah.
That thing is nuts. Yeah, dude. You know, but yeah, it is. I'm telling you, it is funny because in 15 years, you're going to be like reading through pages of just people like Dwight Howard. Fuck the guy. I'm like, yeah, obviously. Yeah. It's not the news anymore. All right. That's actually probably an hour. Yeah. Yeah. We really stormed through that. That wasn't good. What topics do we cover? Pretty much gay stuff. Jizz.
I addressed ticket scalpers for two seconds. That was good. Martin Luther. Martin Luther was anti-Semitic. That was a big one. Anti-Semitic Lutheran. Shame on them. This is the whole game now. It's about pointing out what everyone else is doing that's wrong and weird. Everybody's bad. We are the good ones. We're fine. Totally normal. We don't do any bad stuff that people get in trouble for. We don't do any bad stuff.
Everyone else is wrong. And if you listen to this podcast, you were in the right. You're right. You're right. And they are wrong about everything. And you'll maintain that to death, dude. And you'll die happy knowing I was right about everything. And I didn't do any of that weird stuff everyone else did. I didn't get in trouble. I wasn't mean to people. I didn't harbor private thoughts towards other groups that were probably pretty negative.
You didn't do any of that shit. Yeah, this is exactly Christ's message. It is. Judge everyone else. Don't ever reflect on yourself. Don't even ever think for a second, maybe that guy is incapable of committing any crime that guy is, and I should treat him like a brother and forgive him and...
Try to understand where he's coming from. Not at all. Nope. No, fuck that. You just get on blackpeopleonline.com. Say fucking Dwight Howard's gay. Black sports online. All right. Thank you for listening to this.