Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
I'm wearing my represent realist in the game. You have to. How could you not? Obviously. His merch is probably the sickest, dude. Represent on the back. Realist in the game. Represent. Wearing the represent shirt into a Starbucks this morning was pretty weird. Really? Yeah. What were they... I look like a fucking moron. Why? What am I representing? I would say...
Represent yourself, dude. Are we gone? Are we recording? All right, no, that's good. You're putting off your motherfucking city. Nate Diaz says, they do represent is the sickest merch, but not when you are visibly out of shape.
You can't represent? It feels weird, like, representing. Who do you think about representing? I represent Notre Dame Fighting Irish. I love the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. God, oh, I see what you're saying. True. So you're like, don't look at me right now, guys. Don't. Guys, I'm a poor reflection of Notre Dame's program. I'm a poor reflection of the Nick Diaz army right now. Yeah.
Also, I was wearing these gray sweatpants again without underpants. With the boner. Not a boner. Not even close to a boner. I mean, a tiny boner. That's perfect. I nubbed out in the represent. You're still nubbing? Yeah. Damn, it's so ticky. It's nice your dong's been defying gravity just...
Perfect float. Matthew and I did the cold plunge yesterday and my God, Matt almost caught a glimpse. Matt came into the room where I was changing and almost caught a glimpse. I was close. What would have been one of the gnarliest penises you've ever, it was the smallest your penis can possibly, it's the Adderall penis. Mine was great. Mine was, I w I was like rebirthed.
You know how people do, like, rebirthing? No, what's that? You can, like, there's guys that do, like, a certain type of breathing where someone coaches you through re, like, experiencing your birth. What are we doing? Well, if I caught my penis, and I, dude, I think it's real, because I looked at my penis, and I was all of a sudden, like, I had, like, the umbilical cord around my neck. I was like, oh, God. That penis was, uh...
Yeah. Yeah. Joe still has a unit. You notice that? I didn't look. You didn't look? I thought to look. No, I swear to God, in my head I went, you should probably see the fucking thing. I was like, go look. In my head I went, dude, don't. Don't do that. I literally, in my head, I was like, look at his dick. And I was like, no, dude. Don't look at his dick. Can't gaze upon St. Rogi's penis. Dude. It's the hog.
I feel like he would appreciate us giving him props on having him. Hog props? He's got a nice hog. Yeah, he's got a decent hog. Post fucking cold plunge. Hog, dude. See, I didn't see that. And I caught a vicious glimpse because I was... He got out. He got out. I got right in. So he was just standing next to the tub. And I was in there like...
I was quivering. Oh, man. Those dicks huge. That might have boosted you for that extra 30 seconds. That was the extra 30. That was the warmth I needed. That was the fight or flight. You see a hog like that, you're like. I mean, dude, for real, that is like, that is a mental touch. How bad is that fucking sauna, dude? Dude. All right.
I'm talking about... Give you a little glimpse. Can I please talk about... Me and Matt went to the Rogies light workout yesterday. He gave us a nice one. Can I please... Before I forget about this, and I do want to talk about that. Dude, how comforting is it to see daddy's dick, dude? Not see it, but like see daddy's dick bulging out of his underpants. What the fuck?
I'm saying there could be a part of your psychology. You know when your dad comes down in underwear? Yeah. There's got to be a part of your boy psychology that sees your dad's fucking dick. It does take you back a little, especially while you're in the cold plunge and yours is, yes, prepubescent. That's what I'm thinking about. And you go, damn, someday I'll be there. I know I'm 35, but someday I'll be there. That's exactly what I'm talking about.
There's got to be a part that is just like, everything's okay, dude. That is comforting. There's a giant bulging dick at eye level right now. I'm okay. I'm safe. That's all I'm saying. Now we can talk about the sonnet, dude. The sonnet. That's all. I'm not trying to be weird. We're not trying to be weird. We're not trying to be weird. Forgive us. Forgive us, brother. Sorry. These are nothing but compliments. Okay.
Yeah, the sauna was... That was scary. Yeah. Dude, I thought for sure I had that on lock. I was like, this is not bad. I was very happy for the first couple minutes when you're like, I'm like an iguana. This is nothing to me. I was just sitting across from you like, dude, you have no idea. You have no idea. I thought it was 10 minutes. You have no idea what's coming. Towards the end of 10 minutes, I'm like, all right, I'm seeing double eyes. I had to like strain my vision. 20 minutes at 185 is what he keeps the sauna at. And it's so fucking bad.
Dude, I couldn't breathe. I was telling you, I was breathing through my fucking nose, and my boogers were hot. Yeah. I had hot lava for my boogers. When you touch your hair, your hair is so hot. That was fucking me up. It hurts to touch your hair. Yeah, dude. I was going like this and going, what the fuck? Why is my hair so fucking hot? Then I'd look at you guys, and you'd be double eyes, and I'd be like, yeah, this is nothing to me. I was like, you're not going to die. You're not going to die. You're like, I know. Dude, I was dying. Oh, my God. Waterless.
I was fucking waterless, dude. Yeah, that was a mistake. I didn't bring any water with me. I got to stop doing that. Yeah. I'd load up in the morning. You see me today, dude. This bottle's like two weeks old. I just keep refilling it out of my fridge. That's good. Well, that's eco-friendly. It is, actually. Very eco. But yeah, dude, that shit was scary, dude. Yeah. Like, I thought that was going to be the easy part. And the plunge, I was like, that's what I'm dreading. No, sauna is definitely the harder part. Dude, that's fucked up. The cold plunge, though, when you get out, does... I went there. I went to Rogan's...
studio a while ago and I put my hand in the cold plunger and I was like, I'll literally never do this. Yeah. Ever. Then you get in there, you see the hog, you go, I gotta fucking be a man. I gotta be a man. I gotta do this, dude. My penis will get big someday. And, uh, yeah, you gotta get out, dude. It does give you,
It felt like Molly. It felt like I was on my, like you get out and you're like, it's bliss. It's completely blissful. Yeah. Yeah. I got, although it's like, I get someone, Rick Moranis, my fucking hog. You get out and it's like, honey, I shrunk my fucking hog, dude. Honey, my hog has been shrunk. My hog was in the grass and ants were just all big walking over it. I was like, run, everybody get out of here. Yeah. The hog, although the hog comes back.
The hogs reemerges. I mean, you know. I was feeling sexy, though. It's all relative. Hogs, there's a spectrum. Did you feel sexy? Today? After you got out of the cold book and you got home? I did, dude. I felt a little sexy. I felt sexy, and I felt so confident, too. I felt sexy and confident. Dude, for real. I come out of that thing, and I was driving my car, and I was like, I'm like a real dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm like not a figment of my own imagination. Driving home was nice. Dude, I was so fucking confident. Yeah. It's actually funny you say that because I really was driving like... I'm like a legitimate human being and I was just driving like... Yeah, I'm not just a collection of fucking neurotic bullshit. Yeah. So, thank you to... I wore off and then I got tired and I was like... I got so sleepy. Also, that's another fib they say. They're like, you're going to be fucking feeling great the rest of the... I was...
That first show last night, I apologize to everybody that came to the show last night. You really think it was that bad? It was pretty fucking bad. The first show, I was like asleep. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's all. Yeah, what can you do? And then the bottom of the barrel woke me up. Dude. That was fun. That's so funny. I like that the default is just the worst thing I can think of. I know. You pick a topic, you're like, what is this best school fight ever?
Columbine. That was also hilarious, though. Yeah, that was all I could do. To be like, well, let me tell you about a school. Knowing the date and time was perfect. The date was perfect. But no, that was fun. Last night was fun. Standing up. Stand up was nice. It was fun. I'm always worried. I'm telling you, dude, I have a new hour, and I was like, this is so good. I'm looking at it now, and I have to do it a lot, and I'm like...
i have to do it tomorrow needs some tweaks so do i i have to do it tomorrow brother where are you going alabama madison wisconsin wisconsin alabama you're big time i'm sec now dude can you please elaborate on the uh the spy coach yes i'm so happy about it also now if we're talking college football yes my condolences to colorado they do suck now i feel bad about trash do they suck yeah they kind of suck
there's too much pressure on him man there was a lot of pressure they got fucking robbed this week what happened no not like on like literally somebody went into their locker room and stole all their fucking it was probably the coach of that team yeah it was probably fucking stallions from michigan dude he's a secret agent man he is a secret agent for real i do my apologies to the colorado buffaloes i take it back uh
They got fucking... I did a lot of college football news, dude. I was at the Texas game. Really? Oh, the cannon? Yeah, I got to fire the cannon at the end of the Eyes of Texas song. It was... I was...
I know I make this joke a lot, but I am fully a make-a-wish guy at these things. Dude, they brought me into the pen with Bevo, the fucking longhorn. This giant longhorn. They were like, you could touch him. I was like... Literally, I asked. I went in and I was like, am I allowed to touch him? Touch the pole. I was afraid of it. I got in there. I was like, if this thing moves, I'm dead. You're fucked. It's fucking...
His horns look like that. Like it's six feet. Is he friendly? He almost looks sedated. Oh, you have to, dude. Yeah, he's chilling. Yeah. But I got in. What color are you wearing? I was like, am I allowed to touch him? I was wearing black. I know how to do it. Thank God. Thank Christ I wasn't wearing my red, my bright red shirt. Dennis the Menace shirt. I go in there like, yeah, you can touch him. I walk up to the side of it and just go. I got away from it.
I didn't even bet it. I went, I scanned into a top secret room. I went, and then they were like, we want you. They were like, shoot the cannon. I was like, I was, I was pretending I wasn't terrified of this fucking camera. It's so loud. And then, uh, did you have plugs in? Yeah.
Dude, those things must be crazy. And I fired at the end of the Eyes of Texas, which is their fight song, which is their racist fight song, by the way. Is it really? No. Take it back. Allegedly? It was allegedly, but I don't think so. Gotcha. I'm firmly against it. I've done no research. I'm pretty sure it's not. They're smiling eyes at Texas. They weren't grimaced like, who's that guy? Hey. What the hell are you doing around here? Yeah.
Fired the cannon. It went smoothly. That's tight. Yeah. What's the mechanism? It's so easy. It's like a pinball thing. Like you just pull the... For real? Yeah. It's that easy. That's awesome. I thought there was a rope involved that I was going to have to fucking tug. I thought you were going to light a tiny fuse. So you just for real just go bop. Yeah.
It's kind of cool. It was neat. And you're ripping gunpowder? Yeah, just a blank. They got us in a ball. Yeah, you got us in a ball. It was aimed right at the BYU section. Just light up those Mormons. I guess they couldn't t-shirt ball. I think that might have happened in Texas. What? In Mexico. I think people were lighting up the Mormons. Really? Oh, yeah. Didn't Mitch Romney's family get all beat up by Mexicans? Didn't they beat his ass in Mexico? Yeah. He was getting too much. No, I think Mitch Romney has a...
Grandpa had a compound down there. He did, yeah. They were living... I remember I heard about that. I kind of... I think Mitch Romney's dad had a bunch of... I kind of like that. I like her. They like brought that out to be like, look at this fucking weirdo. And I was like... He's got a kind of beast mode. He comes from a religious compound in Mexico that has a ton of bitches. Beast mode. Yeah. It's absolutely fucking beast mode. He was actually...
Mitt Romney ended up. Yeah. Mitch is better. Mitch Romney. The title of that song was taken from Confederate General Robert E. Lee. And apparently they would perform it in blackface sometimes. Whoa.
Well, they're firing that cannon. It could be an accident. It could get covered in soot and be like. Yeah, are they sure it was blackface or it could have been soot? This is AP News. I don't know. This is AP News? This is fucking liberal rag. Liberal rag, AP News. Fuck. Well, never mind. But, hey, Penn State, that's worse. Penn State is way worse. Way worse, dude. I mean, everyone's got one skeleton in their closet. Yeah.
you know speaking of skeletons in the closet the Michigan Wolverines my true most hated team yes yes fall apart Michigan uh they hired a guy one of their coaches steals signals like that's his whole job is to illegally go to games it's it's not like the craziest thing to steal signals if you're during the game but
This guy's they're paying for him to fly to every game that they're playing. He like scouts it and films it and shit. Apparently, I don't know the full details of the story, but the guy, his name's Connor Stallions. He was a fucking, he went to the Naval Academy. Yeah. And he, I think he was in the military. He's a psycho. And he wrote like a manifesto of how he would turn around Michigan football. And then he got like super involved in just stealing signals and being a secret agent, man.
Damn, dude. I like that aspect. I mean... That's dedication to the squad. Football CIA or someone who's doing that. There could be a guy who's a double agent on your team. That is cool. Let's open that up. There's some cool moments like that. Yeah, it's fun. Mike Leach, when he was at Oklahoma, he dropped a fake...
playbook on the sidelines before the game. The other team got a hold of it. What? Yeah. Oh, did he really do that? Yeah, yeah. I mean, also, if you... RIP to the legend. You could go around co-opting all those guys with, like, sexual blackmail. You're on a college campus. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Epstein's... And it's not hard to do. Those guys are... Yeah. You could just send fucking freshmen at them. I think Michigan State's coach just got fired for fucking jacking off or something. Really? Yeah. What the fuck's going on in Michigan? Yeah.
I don't know. So there's Michigan State. There's the green team. Wolverines are blue Michigan. Yeah. So Michigan State was jacking off. Michigan State's coach was jacking off or something. What did the Michigan State coach do? He's under investigation for sexual misconduct is what it says. Dude, Michigan's falling apart. Michigan is falling apart. And then fucking Colorado got all their jewelry stolen. Colorado got all their fucking college football is fun. It's awesome. It's crazy. They've really hyped it up, man. Who did it? Do they know who done it?
You stole all that ice? I think it was at Arizona State or where were the... Dude, that's the load of ice. Yeah. Dude, I got... Did Shador get his Rolex stolen? That's the big question. Really? That was like...
Deion Sanders' son's celebration was just wearing a Rolex. Really? Yeah, he would just go. He would score a touchdown and go. He wears one when he plays? I don't know if he wore it when he plays, but everybody knows, dude. He's talking about the rollie. Oh, he holds up the wrist. Yeah, he'd be like that. And then somebody stole it. So that's funny. That is funny. It also has nothing to do with sports.
I assume most of the Colorado Buffaloes had insurance on their jewelry. Oh, yeah. So they should be all right. True, yeah. That's good. Yeah, but still, what about the emotional significance? Have you ever lost one of your pieces? Have you ever lost one of your pieces? I've never lost a piece, but I've had two...
Stereos ripped out of a car. Yeah. And that is a very vulnerable feeling when someone steals something from you. Yeah, I never understood the whole... You don't realize how shitty it feels. Yeah, I never felt violated. I'd always become... Oh, really? I felt very violated. Did you? A house, that would be violating. My car, I would just be like...
Some dude cut my lock cylinder out one time and just took my whole lock out and then just popped my door. And this while on a busy street, it's the same thing. Pull my radio. Yeah. Fucking rip my fucking whole dashboard out to steal. Yeah. That's my car. Like what the fuck? It was in my high school parking lot. The first. So what the fuck was it? What happened? Then the second time was just right in front of my house. Yeah. Yeah. Just stealing from like a, it's a 97 Jetta.
It's like a piece of shit. That's fucked up. Yeah. I used to leave my car doors unlocked because I used to get broken into so much and I'm pretty sure a dude was like, I used to like smell like a homeless guy every now and again. I think a dude was just popping in there every now and again. Could have been old farts. Could be, yeah. Old farts stay in cars. True. Bro,
Brother, I know. Brother, I know, dude. This summer down here, this heat, I'm going to confront. You're going to trap some farts. I might pass out if I reenter my, if you trapped a fart in like 100 degrees. Also, is there one meal here that doesn't have fucking hot sauce in it? I don't think so. My butt is just, I go back to that bathroom and. Yeah, the beef's different down here too. Yeah? I've been eating a lot of beef down here and it's like. It's not sitting well.
I'm shitting hard, dude. It's kick. It's the fucking Longhorn, dude. Longhorn's last stand. It's coming out, dude. They eat Beaver. What? When the mascot dies, they eat the steak. Really? Yeah. That's kind of tight, actually. Yeah. It's very Native American of them. It is, actually. They should be celebrated for that, at least. Georgia should do that with their mascot. What's their mascot? Bulldog. Or they could play an international game somewhere and then divvy it up. Where would they play? I don't know.
I don't know, like wherever. Like bring college football to a larger area. Yeah. Like wherever. I don't care. You know, I don't know. You know what I mean? Maybe like Scandinavia. Maybe like Norway or something. Scandinavians would eat a bulldog. They would. They'd munch that thing up. They'd have a nice turkey leg on them, like a fried bulldog. Yeah. That'd be a nice haunch.
That would actually. I swear to God. It probably would be fucking good. It's probably pretty good. Do you think dog tastes gamey? French bulldog would be good. A little rotisserie bulldog. People are going to get upset about it. People get so mad when you talk about eating or having sex with dogs, dude. Sex with dogs? That pisses people. Whenever you leave. Sean did it last night. Really? On Bottom of the Barrel. He was doing a joke about watching it when he was young. He saw a dog get fucked.
I think on the internet. I didn't catch the beginning. I assumed it was the internet. If it was in real life, I could see why the audience was like, oh my God. Yeah, you can't talk about fucking a dog. Watching a dog fuck a lady.
is much more palatable. That's fine. Yeah. No, that's true. Yeah, I've made the mistake several times while you're away to be like, just talk about murdering dogs and people get very mad. My mind is, when I have nothing to talk about, it's just funny because I know it bothers people. Because it is the worst, yeah. It bothers people immensely. Strangling a golden retriever. Yeah. I mean,
Although, dude, we had a baby bird near our house, like literally against our door. It was like a, I don't know. It was like black bird, yellow belly. I couldn't get a clear idea on it, but it was totally, I was looking up like, dude, I think I might be a fucking, I mean, obviously Paul's myself a bird watcher. I was bird watching in the studio. Dude, I'm telling you. You're a hog farmer.
You're all sweet. Sweet. That's our nice javelina. That's our big old javelina. There's a javelina.
Dude, I had a yellow belly, black wings, a little guy. I wasn't a total baby, but it was a young bird. And it was just huddled against my door. I felt so bad. I was like, I don't want to touch it because I know that fucks it up. No, that's not true. Really? Yeah. Well, I gave it a little... I made a little tinfoil bird bath. And I was like, here's some water at least. And we went away to my parents' house for my nephew's birthday. I came back and it was gone. And I was like...
Maybe got munched. Definitely. Maybe flew. Yeah, hopefully it's flat. It's, you know, spread its wings. You can put them back in the nest. I didn't know where the nest was. That was a problem. Yeah. That is old, yeah. It's a good thing to teach kids, though, because birds are always fucking diseased, especially if one's kicked out. That makes sense. Yeah, because my wife was like, there's nothing. When a bird, she has a weird knowledge about birds.
Pause myself again. No, dude, she'll hit him with, she'll hit him with, she'll hit him with crack. She'll be like, oh, that's like a crackle. And I'm like, what the fuck? How do you know this? She was saying when birds are down like that, refusing to fly is usually is an injury that's like chronic. Yeah. And she's like, the best thing you can do is just fucking put them out of their misery. I was like, Jesus, man. Stomp on a fucking baby bird. No, she was saying you like, just like break their necks. Oh my God. I was like, dude, what the fuck?
I was like, I'm not doing that. So I laid a birdbath out and I showed Maya. I'm like, look at the bird, the little baby bird. And we came back and it was gone. So she got to be like, it flew away to his mommy. I was like, yes. Definitely. It's like a cat. Definitely. One of my dogs might have eaten it because it was right by where they came out. I saw him tilt a sniffing on it and I was like, get out of there. She might have went out later and just fucking munched that bird. Absolutely. I tried, you know, because I sat there and I'm like, I could build a little box in my head. I was like, I'm not doing this.
this thing i'm gonna leave this out the elements no i am scared of the animals around here i saw that video that snake you saw that was a scary snake yeah dude some i've been hearing it's a garter i always call them gardener snakes they're called garter snakes yeah garter like a garter exactly like a yep something gets slipped right down kiss i like to do that i like to watch at weddings when people take the garter belt off the dude yeah they got a garter belt
yeah i think so yeah it's a good thing on the thigh that's five out yeah what was that thing for initially it's like when you got to a lady's garter like what here yeah their pussies don't stop right here i don't know if you're any closer you're gonna touch your pussy please stop at the garter yeah garter belt and it was yeah when did they start that they couldn't have started i don't know i remember the first time seeing it as a young boy at a wedding and i was related to the bride i was like
This is something. This is doing something. I don't need this in the context of my experiences. I don't know what's going on here. I was just sprinting around drinking soda. And all of a sudden I'm experiencing horniness? Yeah, you saw like a... Yeah, that would have fucked me up. Guy reaching up a dress. Yeah, man. That's what I... Everyone's like... I mean, it's an improvement from holding up fucking bloodstained sheets. Your family being like, yes! She had her fucking high knee. That must have...
sucked back then when you smash on your wedding night and it was just like there's nothing nothing there yeah damn i would have cut myself i would have cut myself and be like now you're you do what i say yeah which is just yours nothing crazy but it's just chores because you'd have to come out from your whole family be like somebody her somebody her before somebody fucked her i'm the out of her mom
everybody i tried i fucked her as hard as i could or you went out to your family and then someone was like for real and then i think what happened is one of your uncles be like let me see that and he'd smash and be like nope she had the hymie bro yeah you just have a small penis you couldn't dislodge the high could have quick draw too i mean it must have been every night too it's like that's crazy they were breaking hymies because if you're talking like i mean that's not that what was that hundreds of years ago you had to hold up the fucking hymie sheets yeah
If you're 17 and you're getting married, you've been stopped by garter belts your whole life. You're like, whoa, slow down. Oh, you're saying the dude's going to nut quick? Instantly, bro. Instantly. Although they probably were fucking back-to-back, too. What do you mean back-to-back? If you're that horny. If you're getting married when you're 17. Oh, you can nut again, yeah. Yeah, you probably get hard right away. Yeah, right, yeah. It's probably crazy. Probably annihilating. I'm trying to see if they were annihilating or if they were just like... You're talking about annihilating the pussy. They didn't have like porno to watch. They had to just be like, I have no idea how to do this.
So they're just getting in it and just be like, oh, yeah. Imagine if you never, yeah, you'd have to completely, like someone would have to like whisper to you in a field like, this is how you do it. Yeah. How would you, you wouldn't know what to do. It would feel so nice. It would be crazy. It'd be pure instinct. Yeah. I don't know. I thought that, it's kind of nuts. I never thought about that. Like you didn't do, yeah, it would just be, it probably was just mish. Your dad was probably like, tell her to lay down, lay on her, lay belly to belly and just touch her.
that no one you know what i mean like how the fuck did they tell you that how did they tell you about sex yeah like we just get around i mean you'd have the same way birds and bees yeah yeah but i didn't have like a birds and bees talk i just watched porn like my parents brought it up for a second my dad was like yo all right how did the dudes in the 60s find out they had the they would watch man i guess they look at mags yeah you can go back to pre i think that information just exists in like a constant stream yeah that your brothers would be like
Take your prick, Ezekiel and Stu. Yeah, you've got to shove your prick in a fucking bush. It's going to stink like shit. Dude, I got fucking my reactions tested last night. Really? Waiting for my Uber. Dude walks up in a scream mask, full outfit. Did you think it was the real scream? Well, dude, I'm just kind of like, all right, watching him walk up. And I'm just looking at him like, wow, what a cool costume. Busts up a fucking knife. At you? Yeah, but it was a fake knife.
but it was it me can't fucking tell yeah just busted up a knife like literally a kitchen knife i was out on 7th street just standing there waiting for my uber what the fuck a dude goes ha and dude i for real went resumed combat stance and i was just like anyone and i look i got a better look i'm like it's a fake fucking knife i had to give it up my damn that was actually pretty nice that's crazy it was a good shot i know it was insane that he was going around doing that the guy was trying to die i think
We're just having a really good time sizing. He might be a good judge of sizing people up. Six feet's pretty rough. Dude, that prank. That's a bad prank. I was so happy. I fucking put up my, I instinctively put up my boots. Just went. Thank God you fought instead of flight.
If you would have run, if you would have screamed. I wouldn't have faulted myself in either direction. Because if I had been like, and like covered my head, which I could, that could have even happened in my brain. No, dude, you put out, you actually fucking, you actually put up your dukes and could have taken that off. I mean, you were hitting the heavy bag earlier. You were going to hit him with a combo. I heard you ripping those combos. Dude, I was trying not to rip. I was trying to be just chill. I've used to hit heavy bags all the time. My techniques probably trash.
But I used to get real into being like, as fast as I can. You have the combos. I know a couple of them. And I did do the Muay Thai.
But yeah, that was fun. My shin hurt when I fucking kicked that thing. Yeah. Kicked it as hard as I fucking can. Never doing a leg kick. Kicked it as hard as I can. Yeah, you have to. I know. You have to. I hit right here and I was like, ouch. Fuck. It was good though. You got a good, you got a nice, you got good technique. I got to go whip. You got to step across. Yeah, you pivot. Legs are, dude. Very nice. Yeah. You can rip, dude, you can rip them. Once you learn, it's so sick.
Then you can hit someone. The hardest part is not wanting... Two weeks afterwards, you're like, yo, but you're like, let me just show you something. Yeah. And you start whipping people and they're like, stop. Yeah, stop. Yeah, they're going... Exactly. Kick someone directly in the side of the knee. I could have, like, kicked that guy. I was within my right when he posed. You should have front kicked him. True. Get back. Yeah. Get back, scream. Yeah, isn't that crazy? That is absolutely ridiculous. It was... You know, I was...
I was shocked. I was just like, I got over the shock of it. And then like watching I walk away and just walk into a crowd. And I was like, that was insane. Yeah. Like I did that to me. That happened in scream too. Remember there at the, there at the movies, there's a guy, everybody was dressed as a scream guy and the murderer was actually there. That could have happened to you. You could have been stabbed on six street like that. Yeah, man. I was, dude, I mean, I like to think I, I mean, I, I'm kind of disappointed. I didn't control his wrist. Yeah.
You did your best. Striking the fucking... The Duke stance was nice. Yeah, hit him with the fighting iris? Yeah, it was pretty crazy. Just fucking, I literally went... Don't. I went, yo, dude. Oh, yeah, okay, dude. I started laughing. Oh, you laughed? I would have been fucking furious. Oh, I laughed. I was relieved. I was relieved. I've been assailed by knife men before. So I was like, oh, no. A knife man got you? Yeah, in Brazil. I got robbed by guys. Yeah, I got three knife men fucking came at me.
Put them up to me. They just point the knives at you. They do. They put them like literally right next to my one hip, this hip, and then one guy had one in my belly. And I was just there. I was just like, I kept saying, Tranquillo, Tranquillo, Tranquillo. Tranquillo, Tranquillo. Like what? Yeah, man. That was wild. You go out of your body when you're getting robbed. You're just going, you get so calm. You're just like, it is like the Matrix slowdown, but you're just in shock basically. You're not like doing cool moves. You're just going.
You're like, look at that guy's face. And it's so weird, dude. It's kind of sick that your body does it.
It is nice to tap into that. Like, if you're getting mauled by a bear, it's probably bliss. At a certain point, it crosses over, and your brain's just like, brother, look at this. Brother. Brother, check out these cool-ass fractals. No. The whole time, it's like... Your DMV's gonna kick in, dude. Your DMV's gonna kick in. You're just gonna go... You are gonna be launched into fucking the next universe. Oh, yeah. Getting eaten by a bear. Via bear. Yeah.
That's a rough way to go. Wasn't there just some campers who got a husband and a wife and a dog just got eaten by a bear?
I heard that was a real story in the last text. It wasn't a fucking fairy tale. No, they ate the wrong bowl of porridge. They said the last text they sent was bears here help. So they were an older couple, but the dog got munched to all three of them. Apparently it got munched by one bear and they sent off a text like bears here. There is here. So an old couple dude. Damn. You're in retirement. You're with your wife.
And then you get munched, dude, by a bear. Get out of those woods, dude. Yeah, for real. Well, they kind of survived for a while because they texted out SOS bear attack bad. Oh, so they bled out. Oh, my God. Where was it? Alaska? Let's see. Montana. Sorry for that snort I did, that sniffle I did. Canada. Yeah.
BANIF National Park in Canada. Yeah, that sounds like it. No offense to our brothers up north. That sounds like a very Canadian thing. Yeah, SOS. True. To get attacked by a bear and be like, oh, I'm getting attacked by a bear. Oh, the bear's here, eh? SOS, eh? That's a fucking Mexican. Sorry to our brothers up north, dude. I'm sorry you guys have to deal with that all the time. To our sisters up north, sorry. Sorry to our sisters up north. Sorry.
That would piss me off, man. If I lived in Canada and I heard Americans being like pussies, because you can't be like, no, we're not. We're the tough ones. Dude, no, you're not. Yeah, no, you're not. That does suck. I could kick your ass. It's like, yeah, maybe, dude. But then I call the army and we'd fucking flatten you. Yeah, our army would fucking beat your ass. If I went to Canada and they beat me up, I could probably call the army or an embassy and be like, yo.
yeah you send one helicopter handle this business rock these fucking canucks that would be cool people are all pissed about the military budget they could uber the military out privatize a little bit where it's like yo bro we do someone my neighbor's true but imagine if you can do like retail consumer services like yo my neighbor's straight tripping bro yeah
do something flashbang him flashbang his ass dude flashbang my neighbor just toss one in that's it just secure his house it's ten thousand dollars to flashbang my neighbor or secure his house but yo just kick in his door and just fucking secure his house just make sure he doesn't have any fucked up stuff in there because i honestly think he does yeah i mean that's just swatting in it yeah people do that people do that to online gamers and shit
There's a fucking documentary about it. A guy swatted his... Like these two dudes were talking shit on Call of Duty. How do you swap? On one of these video games. You can call the police and say... The one dude would swap people. He would be like, I'm calling from inside the house. I'm a hostage. Oh, no. I'm in the closet. What's the penalty for that?
uh so you swatted so this is what happened the SWAT team went to the so the guy who all right these guys are talking shit online online gaming the guy's like this is my address pussy you won't fucking swap me fuck you obviously he gave him his fucking neighbor's address oh no so they swat the neighbor kill the neighbor what kill this guy the SWAT team did yes
Any details or it was just kind of like it was probably grabbed and they shot him? No, he walked out onto his porch while he was just hanging out. Fucking lights and shit. Everyone's like, get the fuck out of your house. Oh, no. And he opened the door like, hey. And they just, yeah. Holy shit. He might have actually had a gun. I don't remember. That's our bear attack, by the way. American bear attack. It's just like SOS cops are here. Riot control bust through your window. Fuck the government. Get on the fucking ground. We heard you're a fucking asshole. Yeah.
Yeah. Some 13-year-old boy called kind of laughing, saying he was... Yes, some kid prank called us, so we're going to shoot you. We're going to kick your window and rappel down from your ceiling. Josh, you seem to know about that story. He got 20 years. He only got 20? That kid should be forever. Forever swatted. Yeah. He got 20? I mean, 20 years in jail, it is an involuntary manslaughter, basically. Yeah, it seems almost voluntary. Yeah, well...
I mean, imagine the kid shocked. You're like, yo, that dude died. You know that funny... He was being a kind of... He was like bragging about it. Was he really? Yeah, the kid who did it sucks. What a dumbass. Obviously, the kid sucks.
So he, I dude never, it doesn't suck that much. I mean, I'm a fan of his, of his workers. Yeah. I don't want him. He's an internet. True. He's in jail. He could probably have the internet in jail. He's probably just swatting like crazy. He's probably swatting everybody. Once you catch a dub, dude, once you catch 20. Yeah. State time, dude. Oh my God. He had claimed that he had accidentally shot his father in the head during the argument and that he was going to shoot the mother too. He pretended to be one of the brothers at the house. That was the call. Oh my God, dude. Yeah.
Imagine how all over like a Call of Duty game. Imagine how pissed the SWAT team was. They went in, accidentally killed a guy, and then we're just kind of like, wait, what? Yeah, there's no one here. They had to sit there and like they had had like their intelligence watch like probably six hours of screen recordings of COD and be like, what? No. Oh, my God. No, dude. The guy being like, stop using the shield. The shield's gay, dude.
Just like, oh my God. We killed a guy. My life's ruined. Over that. Over the fucking dumbest shit possible. Just the worst audio imaginable. Like, suck my dick, pussy. Kids screaming. Was that the guy? No, that wasn't him, sir. Which was the guy? Yeah, that's... If they saw him, they're like, that is pretty lame. He's using the shield. Why is he jumping like that? It's not realistic at all. I wish I could utilize jumps in those games. Yeah.
Yeah. That's a big one. Yeah. That's right. Gomez was nice when we were peeping him. Gomez was nice. That was very, very fun. He was nasty. I just sat here and watched the Luis Gomez live stream of him playing Luis J. Gomez. Luis Gomez playing Call of Duty. Yeah. Very fun. He's good. Yeah. He's very good. That was fun. Get him. Is he still locked into, is that bet still going on or is it done? I don't know.
I don't know. I'd like to get it going. Next time he does a live stream, I'll keep that bet going. Yeah. I'll give him $500 if he wins. Otherwise, he has to show his penis on the next Legion of Scant. I think he lost that bet, though. He did. I don't, I mean, I, look. I had like, I had like phone calls and shit. I was out there for like an hour. I came back in. He was still going. He was like, I have to leave in an hour. I have to pick up my stuff. He just played for like three more hours. Yeah.
yeah so he is i mean obviously he doesn't have to show his penis this is a funny bet to make i would like him to show his penis if he loses the next one can you yeah true yeah i don't know give him one more chance because that's like because i think you're the problem is that you can get demonetized if you show your penis on on skanks oh and just then just blur it they can yeah they can live do it on gas digitally you can show penis yeah okay that's fair yeah i can see he'll he'll probably will do i'm sure he's done that before
Yeah, probably. Yeah, I think everyone's penis has been shown. Yeah. So I think it's a rite of passage. I don't know if they ever showed Dave Smith. Apparently he's got a big hog. Really? Nice.
Fuck, dude. The hell? People don't think about that with the Titanic. Those poor guys, they all died with the smallest penises. True. You know? Yeah, and they're going to bring your bodies back. The bodies that were recovered. Your family was just like, they were already crying. Your mother would glimpse your fucking penis. Oh, my God. He must have had such a hard life. Oh, my God. His life must have been so hard. Oh, my God. I knew it was that bad. I knew he was a little dick motherfucker when he came out of me, but I didn't know it was like that.
Your mom pimps your hog. She peeps the hog right away. Everybody peeps the hog. Baby hog is a world. Dude, I've talked about it before. I'm not sure. I'm kind of glad I have daughters. If I had to show my naked son to the nurses, I guarantee they could just zero in on the hog. Yeah, and then be like... Yeah. Geometry it and go, wait a second, bro. Yeah. That's what you're like. No, I swear to God. It's growing, dude. It's going to grow. It's not from my side of the family. Yeah. They go...
You sure about that, bud? He's got that Chi-town penis. He's got little Chi-town dicks. Chi-town penis. Yeah, I do worry about that. Is that something you deal with, like the baby hog? The only weird, the very first time he got hard, I was like, look, he has a boner. And she went like that to it. And he made a little laugh. And I was like, don't ever do that again. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
a little little pinchy yeah yeah she goes no it's really hard i was like don't fucking do that oh no josh i mean baby boners how old was this baby he's six months he got rock hard as a six-month-old yeah doesn't stop dude doesn't even know that it's possible yeah i never really thought about baby boners like that well i've never thought about but i saw it you know we're changing his diaper
Oh, for sure. That would get me hard. That's usually how they piss in their own face. If you take off the diaper and they have a boner and they piss, it pisses up. Yo, what if you saw that fucking divert stream in the morning and you're like, damn. Yeah, what's this boss baby up to? He was up to no good. What would be a nocturnal eject? You'd have to look at your wife. Or the babysitter.
True. Hopefully. God willing. Yeah, yeah. Check that nanny cam. Then send me the footage.
I have something that could stop everything. That would stop everything, dude. What? Just a nanny cam of a fucking baby roping. Of a baby roping? Yeah, I mean, that would be on like CNN. It'd be like breaking aliens. Actually, never mind. More pressing matters. There's a baby in Texas that can shoot ropes. We know because we've seen the nanny cam.
Yeah, I mean. Damn. That's good stuff. That is good stuff. But yeah, I really thought about that. I'm like, you know, that is kind of like a trial you have to go through before you have a son. It's like the whole world has to basically kind of look at your dick and just go, all right.
I see what you're working with. Can babies even have dongs? Like dongers? There's babies born with like, I think there's babies born with dongs. Josh, search that on Google. I know. I think there are babies that are like chubs at a point where the nurses probably laugh. They're like, whoa, okay. Yeah. He's going to be a ladies man. It's all proportional. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And then you got to deal with them just be like quietly being like, here's your son. You're like,
Not a ladies' man. He's not going to be a ladies' man. What are you saying? Yeah. Yeah, I've thought about that. But also, you know, I would...
He's laying in a warm incubator, so you could fucking face down for a little bit. Like, yo, bro, it's called pressure, brother. Yeah, welcome to heaven. A warm incubator. You're going to be doing this for the next 35 years. Put him belly down for a second. But yeah. What's better than that? When you snuggle into bed, start fucking smashing your dick into the mattress a little? Dude, bro. Just...
Nothing. There's literally nothing better on a winter's night. Yeah. Oh, my God. Babes do it, too. Do what? Women do it, too. They're pressure players themselves. That's true. Yeah. Their big pillow has, dude. A lot of women fuck pillows. Yeah, pillow humpers. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, I mean, dude, they got to do stuff. They get hernia as well. Yeah. And it is fucking... Barely, though.
Yeah, I think they don't even know what's going on. They have no clue. They don't know what horny is. It is crazy when they get horny. That's a wild horniness.
to just need like a like a fucking insert i'm just trying to spray i like spraying totally chill but if i was like there's a vac there's like a vacuum yeah you just look around the look around the kitchen what the fuck can i shove on here i'm incomplete yeah you know for me it's like i'm overly complete i need to get this out of here but just be like i'm lacking something i have that bean burrito from taco bell in the fridge
That is crazy. At the end, I can go cream pot. Did you ever do a puzzle and realize you're missing a piece? Could be that feeling, being like, I know it's around here somewhere. Yeah. That incomplete puzzle feeling, like it's just one more piece. Yeah. Could be that. How's your puzzle skills?
I don't know. I haven't done one in a long time. I'm pretty bad. I actually had another question for you. I think about this almost every day. I make waffles a lot of days of the week. Do you crush the grid when you butter a waffle or do you delicately spread the butter across the grid and like lift it out of each grid and try to spread the butter across each grid? I've been meaning to ask you this for like two months now. Yeah. It depends how hungry I am. Do you crush the grid? Sometimes I like to take my time and put a little in each little... Yeah, that's what I'm asking.
I'm going to enjoy this Belgian waffle. That's what I was curious about. Are you talking Eggos? I'm more working with Eggos. Eggos are so fucking good though. They're crazy. Yeah. But you don't, you take, you go. Eggos, I'll hit a spread. Crush the grid. Yeah. That's kind of tight. Yeah. So I was. Hotel Belgian waffle. You got to treat that like a baby. No, no. A little foreplay. I can't believe I got done making it. I can't believe I made it without a hitch. I know.
Because there's so many hitches. Yeah, true. You get to the end, it beeps. You're like, oh, fuck, how do you open this thing? Spin it around. Some businesswoman has to come up and be like, what the fuck? Thank you, man. Thank you, man. Yeah, I get gun shy on those things, man. I've always looked at those like nothing on that. I want to have an omelet station. I pig at breakfast buffets. Yeah, dude. Get the fucking powdered eggs. I love those. Dude, I think at breakfast buffets, I might eat two packs of bacon. Yeah. It's like, how could you not? Yeah.
You know breakfast is a psyop, right? I believe it. For real, it was not a real thing. Like a PR company started the idea of breakfast.
It was just like a thing. It was like a branded idea. Like people weren't eating like eggs and bacon in the morning. It was just a food people would eat. But it became like, no, eggs, bacon, orange juice. This is breakfast. Yeah. This is breakfast. This is the energy you need. You need to have a sugar crash by lunch for nap time. These are breakfast foods. It all started with the cereal companies. Cereal companies, like Kellogg's and all them were like religious fundamentalists. And they said like it was like part of like a, I forget. If you look it up, there was like,
They like... Complete and balanced breakfast? Yeah, they built it into like moral... Having like a bad moral character if you weren't eating like... They tied in the idea of a balanced breakfast with like moral fortitude.
And it just like cereal popped off. Yeah. It's kind of weird. I like it. Now you got to eat sugar dog food. You have to eat Reese's Puffs, dude, or else you're a fucking devil worshiper. Fucking, well, I'm going to heaven, brother. True. I put in work on the Reese's Puffs. Dude, I, dude, those things were. Left unguarded. I would, I'll munch a box. They were banned in my house. I wasn't allowed to have them. You'd have to go to fucking. Neighbors. Yep. Go to a friend's house.
You know? There's a little extra beer in the fridge. Yeah, it depends who was grocery shopping. Phil's grocery shopping. We're talking Kellogg fucking...
Did you ride along and be like, can I have that? Can I have that? Matt, obviously. What do you think happened? I had to go put shit back. We'd get to the front and be like, how the fuck did that get in? Put it back. That was the best. Slipping something in and just watching it go down the conveyor belt like nobody's noticing. Yes, dude. I used to try to do that with candy bars. Just like top one on the thing and just be like, oatmeal cream pies are coming home. Oh, dude.
Yeah, that was nice. And riding home the whole time, it was like having like a kilo of Coke in the car. You're like, oh my God. I'll carry the groceries in. I have fucking head stash Pop-Tarts. It's like these are going right to my room. Yeah, that was almost punishable by death, though. If you got caught with like a head stash s'mores Pop-Tarts, dude. S'mores Pop-Tarts were fucking unbelievable. They were so good. My friend had a constant flow of s'mores Pop-Tarts at his house. It's not even fair. And Pepsi.
Couldn't believe there was soda in the house. Yeah, at all times? Yeah, dude. Soda houses were pretty wild. Soda houses were wild. Just nonstop on tap soda. So Kellogg is the one that started it with the cereal and he said that masturbation was the greatest evil and that eating cornflakes could help prevent that. Yeah, that's what it was. You get so full, you'd be like, I don't need to jerk off. No, that's not true. The cornflakes don't make you not want to jerk off? Yeah, I mean, they don't work like that.
But yeah, that guy was, he was on one. That's how he sold it. He was like, stop fucking fapping. Munch some flavorless flakes, dude. He could be. That is a boner killer, though. If you munch cornflakes, it does have like a castrating effect where you're just kind of like, what even is my fucking life? Yeah, you're like, life is hell. What is this horse food I'm eating? Yeah. Those things fucking sucked.
I try to eat into Rice Krispie Treats. Rice Krispie Treats are good. Rice Krispie Treats cereal was fucking crazy. That might have been the number one. Did you ever make homemade Rice Krispie Treats cereal? No. The day after, like a fucking bake thing or whatever, I'd have like a bunch of Rice Krispie Treats in my house, and I would just, by hand, pull them apart. Rip them and put them in milk? Put them in milk, dude. Oh, my God. Sounds so good. It is. To this day, if I see a pile of Rice Krispie Treats, I go...
man i'd like to take is it can i take those i like to take four of those leftovers incredible breakfast oh yeah man when did they stop making rice crispy treats cereal i think i'd like to i'd like to talk to the guy behind who shut that down yeah true i think it was obama i think it was obama keep it rolling i think his wife came in i was like no way you just kill a mic i think obama's wife came in and was like goddamn kids are too damn fat yeah shut them down shut down the fats dude
She might have like 2,000 fat kids in Guantanamo Bay just starving them, dude. Those hot dogs? Yeah. He's got 2,000 hot dogs? That is funny. 2017. Trump let this happen? On his watch. Not our president, dude. He would never shut down Rice Krispies Treats. He was so busy, though. He'd only do so much.
That's crazy. They fuck. So they really did like discontinue. Was that like a surgeon general thing? Like, yo, discontinue these. These things are too goddamn delicious. Maybe. Let me find out. Cause there's gotta be like a, a sugar. I stopped seeing those things in like 2000. Where the fuck were they selling those? I don't know. Probably black market, dude. Yeah. Probably like, Oh, you literally, you'd be looking through the box and be a dude in the back. Like,
But yeah, dude, I think now they're starting to say Honey Nut Cheerios can't be labeled as healthy. Anything with a certain amount of sugar, they can't be like, this is health. Yeah, it's good for your heart. Yeah, just eat candy in the morning. Really? Yeah, they're not allowed. I think the guidelines just changed now, which is like the most obvious sign that there is corruption.
At the highest level. It's like you're telling me we just figured out that that's probably not the best food for you. There's no way they didn't know that. They banned it in Japan. It was wheat thins as well. They said it's carcinogens. Wheat thins? Uh-huh. As well.
yeah there's this new one they're putting on the bed yeah dude there's this new uh ingredient that's getting listed as like a california carcinogen like this product is known to contain i was eating like crackers and i was like what the fuck what's wrong with it i dude i i'm reaching in the vaults but i think it's like acrylamine or something acrylamine is this new one they've come up with like yeah what's it do
I think it just fucks you up. I don't know. I think they fed a thousand pounds of it to a rat and its head exploded. I don't know how they do. It's like A-C-R-Y-L-M-I-N-A or something. I like that you remember the name and how to spell it, but you have no concept of what it does. I just go, bad. They're putting acrylamine in stuff. I've Googled all this stuff constantly and I just forget. I'm going to remember this. It's just like...
possible carcinogen it increases several types of cancers is what it says there you go yeah which causes mutation in the dna that's cancer yeah what the fuck yeah man fucking crackers
It's fucking crackers. Goddamn crackers. Goddamn crackers, bro. Crackers are causing cancer? It also attacks the nervous system, causes muscle weakness and numbness in hands and feet. Crap. I ate a whole box. What is this? What is it in? I don't know, man. It's in like... I ate these crackers. I'm thinking of a type of cracker. It's like a gluten-free...
crack i eat i think that gluten-free shit you're eating french fries potato chips crackers cookies breakfast cereals i think it could be a runoff everything good yeah i think it could be a runoff like when you fry oil that's not like a polyunsaturated fat they turn into like just basically toxic like almost they turn into like plastic yeah because like saturated fats have like a more stable molecule like the gluten-free stuff they're just taking chances
It's not a complete science right now, you know? No. Well, here's the thing. They add a lot of crap and additives to those things. So then you got to find, you got to go through the different layer of like, well, what are these ingredients? I've been doing this my whole life. My mom's a health nut. So like, she's like, if you can't pronounce it, don't eat it. So I'd always, I mean, since I was little, I pick up ingredients. If it's like anything. That's why I don't eat spinach.
True. I had a tough time with that word for a while. Spinach? Yeah. Well, you know what happened? Spinach, by the way. What's that? Another fucking thing with spinach, where spinach actually isn't as high in iron as everybody thinks. That was a mistake. Dude, they labeled that spinach has like 50,000% of your iron. That's why Popeye was out there flexing on it. Exactly. It's bullshit. It has a decent amount of iron, but it's nowhere. The reason it's said, oh, this is the iron vegetable, is due to a clerical error.
that a researcher did. And the company was just like, nah, it's cool. And they kept it up and they sold a fuck ton of spinach and put spinach on the map. You want to get jacked? Eat some fucking spinach. And people came out like, that's not true at all. And they're like, shut up, pussy. Dude, we have a cartoon. I know.
You don't know shit. But nobody cares. They hear that like, yeah, but it's still fucking spinach. It makes your forearms big as fuck and everything. It's like, it's kind of good, but it's not. Yeah, spinach got on the map with a scandal. Apparently, McDonald's fries has 300 times more than what the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency allows in a glass of water. Oh, the acrylamide? Mm-hmm. Yeah, dude. Yeah, we've been cooking food like morons for our whole lives. Nobody knows. But yeah, it's apparently very bad. But yeah, those like...
weird little palm oils and stuff apparently when you heat those boys up like crisco it's just it's just a toxin yeah and it's like you can just fry them and stuff but i guess it's the cheapest shit in the world yeah but you know you'd also just eat it and just say whatever yeah but i always go back to just catching animals eating them and getting whatever fucking worms and diseases they had yeah true yeah heat them up i mean dude i've got on the raw dairy now
i eat dude i can't eat you know i can't eat really swears by that dude i was curious because i'm i avoid it like the plague if i drink like milk regular milk instantly i get fucking congested to the point where i'll you know i'll get a cold if i have it more than two days in a row i'll get what feels like a fucking cold for a couple days so i was like let me let me fuck around i was making burgers here i said let me fuck around try this raw cheddar yeah bro ate two slices of it not a single booger nice my farts
I'm still working on it. The farts were crazy, but that's all that was at Texas Beef. That's fun, though. Yeah. Raw cheddar farts? Bro, raw cheddar. Raw, sharp cheddar farts, dude. The farts obviously were like, like they're loud. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
But yeah, dude, the raw, I swear to God, you know, that's, that was kind of like a bit of a revelation to me. I've been locking a cheese monster up within me for years now. It's time to release the cheese, bro. I had it in one night. I said, maybe that was a fluke. Don't go crazy.
I obviously had a burger the next day because I made like seven burgers. I actually had three burgers yesterday. Well, you know, two of them were in the salad. But, dude, I had the raw cheddar burger again right before I came last night. Crushed it. That's why you're so sleepy. I had to be done. Eat a burger right before you do stand-up? Just a burger. Sleepy time. Just a little burger. I got my burger questioned right away, too. It was like, you're eating a burger right now? And I was like, yeah, I'm hungry.
I worked out today. Yeah. I need fucking protein. You're allowed to have a Borg. But you're right with the gluten-free stuff. There's a lot of crap and animals in it. I've been going far, you know. Yeah, there's horse shit and everything, though. Searching far and wide. You're trying. I found them. But when you get this stuff that has no horse shit in them, it's like, I get these things that are like,
They're made out of buckwheat, which is gluten-free, by the way. And they're like this thin. You get a bun like this thin, you toast it, and you just munch it up. Crap. I love it. You like the way it tastes? Yeah. I just like having almost like a beef jerky for a bun, too. It's kind of nice. It sounds terrible. It's a terrible—it's like a bad English muffin.
but either way i'm enough about my bullshit no i like it gluten-free is coming for a lot of people dude a lot of people don't see it it's coming i more and more people i know are like dude it's me up it's like i hope not i hope you get away from it but i'll be here you don't want that curse on anybody i wouldn't do although it's nice because you just like you go to parties and you're like i can't eat any of this yeah i'd be picking otherwise it'd be three cupcakes four slices of pizza
I can never think about this dude. Every time I had a fucking family party, I can't eat anything there. Yeah. And you go to a lot of fucking family parties. Yeah. There's 9 million of you guys. Yeah. So I go to them all the time. Yeah. I can't eat any of the fair.
you do math i'm doing the math it's a whole different life dude i have this whole other life that like nobody even cares about i'm at a party so you want to go okay so i can't have them yeah i can't even have cup and they go that's right what do you have that uh that's a shame gay is that like corn or something i go no uncle mike it's wheat flour the gluten wheat gluten so it makes everything taste good and i can't have it yeah for real it does gluten-free pizza
Crud. Some of it's actually nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When they make it nice, you know it's... Yeah, I've had a slice of your gluten-free pizza. Yeah, I found some good ones. You found some good ones? Then you get to the point where you're like, dude, I'm not even... I just...
I'm not going to eat this shit. Yeah. It's like, I might as well just not have it. I'm sorry. I'm just fucking crying about my gluten allergy. No, your gluten allergy is very serious. I'm telling you, I think it's coming from people though. Cause that's the thing. If you people, if you deny it, what can happen is they can start to attack your own body. You have food particles, your stomach, it's called leaky gut and people are, well, it's not real. It's fucking real.
your gut can start to become more permeable than it should be so food particles leave your gut and float around your bloodstream your immune system starts attacking these food particles and then it starts attack and then it turns into like an autoimmune reaction where they can start attacking organs in your body damn because you're eating a greens because of all the fucking great yeah and the fucking rice kripsies people get like their thyroid fucking shut down where your your immune system just attacks your thyroid oh god yeah it's crazy yeah dude but you know that's interesting yeah um
I have to take a piss. Can we pause this for a second? I think we're definitely at an hour, aren't we now? No, almost. We're at 56. Yeah, let's pause. That's the best when we pause at 56. I got a whiz. Comeback crush. We'll come back hot, baby.