Ep 465 - The Prestigious Award
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He said leave us please leave us in our chambers give us peace God don't make us tap dance Welcome welcome to the show. What a velvety hell we fucking I mean brought upon ourselves golden handcuffs Speaking of which patreon dude sent us a gift

The creative journey is full of unforgettable blah. What did you fucking get? No, I'm kidding. Let's talk about the creative journey. It's a joke. The creative journey is full of unforgettable moments. And today we're celebrating a special one. You've created one of the biggest communities on Patreon with the people who love what you do. That's huge.

Here's a gift from us, crafted by artist Tina Yu, to mark this incredible achievement. Congratulations on being one of the first ever winners of the Creator Milestone Award. We can't wait to see what you do next. That's from Jack Conte, CEO of Patreon. I was honestly, I didn't want to say this, but I was like, if they're not Lambo keys, I'm going to be fucking furious. These are definitely not Lambo keys. What? The fuck kind of guys do you think we are?

Wow, Patreon. Are we going to share this? What the fuck? We can take turns with this. Dude, we got to share? There better be two of these things in here. What the fuck? Hold on. What the fuck? Patreon. We got one. We didn't even get two. I got to share. This is your week. Next week's my week. This is obviously yours. No, dude. We got to share. How does it? This is Patreon's creativity awards, dude.

We came up with this super creative podcast. This is us. This is us. Let me see. Let me see. It represents the creative mind. That's us thinking about different slurs. Hold on. Yo. Or that's us. Maybe this is us, dude. We're in the box. Then we came outside of it with our thoughts. Creativity. Now you're thinking outside of the box. Creativity. There's a destructive element to creativity. Does it stand up? No. All right. My wife might like this fucking bull crap.

No, it's very, very thoughtful. It's fucking sick, dude. It's better than Lambo keys. I bet you this thing's worth a ton of money. I guarantee it is. Those are real jewels. Those are real jewels. No, they're not. They are real jewels. Dude, Wes Watson has a Lamborghini yacht, dude. What the fuck are we doing? No, he doesn't. There might be Lambo keys inside of it. Smash it. This is real fucking heavy. It is heavy. It might be a bomb. You have to come up with creative ways to...

Said it? I don't know. There's nothing else in that box? Dude, I don't think so. There's a ton of just like this stuff. Dude, give us like a $100 gift certificate, dude. What the fuck? I don't think there's anything else. It's a ton of this paper stuff. That's it, dude. Well, thank you, Patreon. Thank you. Thank you for this. Miss you for your work. Beautiful art. Beautiful, beautiful art. I'll subscribe to your Patreon, Miss You. I'm sure you have one. Miss You probably has a Patreon. Subscribe to Miss You's Patreon, I guess.

The hell, dude? We got fucked. That's crazy. Thanks, Patreon. We should send them a gift, too. Yeah. Have your daughter craft something. No, it is beautiful. I'll have to scour my fridge for some pictures. That is beautiful. It'll go nicely next to my collection of blue books that I've assembled. Damn, this thing's fucking nuts. I think...

What? Let's see if Tina... I got to chill in the mattress. She is a very famous artist. Yeah, she is, dude. This is actually very... Whoa, she's big, dude. Yeah, what are you talking about? I think we were set up with a fine piece of art. Oh, that's what's up. All right. I'll take it. I'll take it. Can we get a... Thank you. Can we get a price on this thing? Let me see what her art goes for. What's your last name? Tina Yu. Why Yu? I think it's...

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. These things are expensive. Nice. That makes me feel so much better. These little tiny ones are going for $650. Oh, nice, dude. That makes me feel so much better.

Look at that. That's a nice piece as well. If this isn't worth $10,000, I'm going to kill myself. I think this is probably worth two grand. Oh, thank God. Grand piece. And that's only going to go up in value. True. We are in our Jay-Z phase of out the hood. Now it's time to assemble art and blue books. We'll teach you guys about money. That's what our next album is about, is how to get out the hood. How to pull your pants off and bounce a checkbook. Yeah.

how to pull your car hearts up dude we gotta get these guys to pull up their car hearts dude a lot of mechanics sag a lot of white mechanics there is a lot of those guys car hearts are sagging when i go in there it's like i think it's from like their type 2 diabetes like wasting away their muscle muscles on their body but a lot of those guys sag too yeah so just think about that

That is something to consider. It's so beautiful. Wow. I take it back. I thought, I didn't think it was great, and then I found out it was. It's art, dude. It is art. It is art. Some people don't like this podcast, but then they listen and go, wow, hold on, this is actually. Hold on a second. I thought this was crap, and it turns out it's good. I honestly, when someone's like, dude, trust me, you're going to want to see it. I'm like, okay. Maybe we got fucking. It's way better than a fucking plaque. You're talking about his and his four-wheeler. I'm thinking his and his four-wheelers, dude. I'm thinking Raptors, dude.

They did know we... They should know we moved to Texas. They should have provided us with some firearms. I thought it was going to be a gun. Or just hollow points. Yeah, a gun. Or bullets. Yeah. Grenade. Tina, you... Thank you so much. Thank you, Tina. No, for real, it is a good job, Tina. You did a fantastic job. Oh, hitting her with the follow. Interesting. Oh. Josh. Josh.

Sorry, habit. Josh, what the fuck was that, you pervert? Goddamn. Josh saw one picture of Tina and hit follow. Josh, you want to take this thing into the bathroom? You want to kiss this thing for a second, dude? You cretin. That was crazy you did that. Sorry, we have a screen now, and we're seeing Josh's activity on the internet. This will be up on the screen. We can pop this up. What'd you just do? That's my sunglasses. Just these pieces of crap.

I thought you broke our precious Tina Yu. No, I'm telling you, there might be keys inside of that thing, though. I think curiosity is going to get your cat when I'm not around. I think a hammer is going to that thing. Don't you dare. I would never. All right. I would never. So what the hell is up? How was Fakersfield, California? Fakersfield was a fucking nightmare, dude. Holy shit. Why? I told every single comedian I told, I was like, I'm going to Bakersfield this weekend. They were like, why? Why?

or like oh get ready and i was like oh shut up it was all like la guys i was like you guys are being pussies yeah true you guys don't know what it's like on the fucking east coast where where is bakersfield uh it's like an hour and a half depending i mean obviously depending on that fucking la traffic it's like a hour to north of la okay hour south of fresno it was uh

It was everything they said it was going to be and more. What was it? It was just a fucking... It's like an oil town. It's like an old... So I think there was a lot of the boys were working... A lot of working men. True, true. That were ready to let off some steam. Guys that don't have stuff like this, you're saying? Guys that would be fuming if they saw that. Uh...

You got to get that out of my house. No disrespect to you. I'm just saying if I have visitors, they come in and it's the only, everything else in here is beautiful blue books. And beautiful blue art. This is a good pop of color. I've got a little Eiffel 56 house going. I need a blue house. I need a blue car.

Don't break the U. Bakersfield was fucking crazy, dude. They were crazy.

Brian Moses opened for me. He got on stage. Before he said his first word, a guy was like, where's Shane? Then I got on stage and that guy left during my set. The guy who was being a cocksucker. I finished a joke. A guy in the front row goes, you stink. And I was like, what? And he goes, no, I said Jews stink. And I was like, what the fuck are you doing, dude?

It's like a bad dream. It really was. And then I was like, well, I mean, security's obviously doing nothing. They're just sitting there because there was a guy sitting next to the side of the stage. I was like, so don't worry. You can say whatever you want. Security here sucks. And then I look back and security's fighting a guy four rows back. I was like, never mind. Security's going hard as fuck, dude.

It was chaos. And it was hot. It was hot. You're in theaters now too. Bakersfield rules. Theater, the security all have flashlights. Oh, they were. Hey, hey, what are you doing out there? Yeah, they were. Security was going fucking nuts in there. There was fights. There was fights, dude. It was. Boys just got off the oil drill. The theater is fucking awesome though. And I like, I like the town of Bakersfield. Did you really? It's like an old shitty town.

It's very nice. It's kind of nice. It's one of the few towns I've been to that still looks like a unique place. Yeah. You know? That makes sense. Bakersfield's good, but the shows, the boys were just rowdy, that's all. True. I think that, I could be wrong, but I was, I went to that theater, the Fox Theater, and then I was on the flight home. I was watching Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, and I think she goes to that theater in the movie. Yeah.

I did the Once Upon a Time in Hollywood when I saw it. There you go. I was laughing all weekend thinking about you coming out and being like, what's up, Fakers Field? Fakers. That would have resulted in chaos. You don't call us that. We're not Fakers. Fuck you. We're not fucking Fakers, dude. They were whistling. Really? Guys kept whistling in between jokes. I was like, please stop. And then, of course, that resulted in...

non-stop whistling for the rest of the show it was it was uh it sounds like you took a time machine like performed for cowboys i did that's crazy they were rooting tooting but then uh i'll be back true i'll be i need revenge you got to go back to fakersfield um and then i did the celebrity theater in phoenix which was a dream come true i was afraid of the round

Oh, how was that? It was great. First time I did it, I was very nervous. And we used a mic with a cord. Yeah. Which made a big difference because when you're walking around. You got lassoed. Tripping up. I lassoed myself. I just only turned left the first time I did it. But this time it was wireless and it made a world of difference. Yeah, it's got to be nice. I also was talking shit, which I have since been paying for. It was in Phoenix and the Phillies beat them that night.

And they all, somebody yelled out, they were like, Philly sucks. I was like, scoreboard pussy. It was 6-1, dude. Now you got to go back to Philly. That's it. Good season. At least the Cardinals are good. Good season. Those are the Phillies I know, though. Those were the Phillies we knew, dude. Just blowing it. Yeah, I heard yesterday. How do you feel about your Phillies?

I told you, I'm proud of them, man. They made it that far. I'm proud of my fellas for making it that far. I really am. I mean, dude, getting up 6-1 and blowing it is kind of loser shit, but that's what we do. No, they won that game. 6-1 was the score. They were up 2-0 in the series. Oh, my bad, my bad. Then they went back to Phoenix, lost the first two, so it's 2-2. Then they won game three in Phoenix to make it 3-2 Phillies. That's what it was. So now we got 6-7 back in Philly.

And they blew it. And they fucking blew it. And they fucking blew it, yeah. Yeah. Our friend was there. It was funny, too, because he took, it was his, I think his cousin was supposed to bring his wife, but his cousin's wife is pregnant. So I was telling him, I'm like, yeah, it's actually not good for a pregnant lady to be in there. It might be, you know, pretty crazy. And he was like, honestly, I don't feel comfortable being there myself as a grown man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I don't feel comfortable being there. Yeah.

yeah it's a delicate flower dude blues is very delicate is a delicate flower i can't imagine him at that game he was there he was like he was like the place is either going to explode or implode either way i think it i think it was probably a very solemn exit i'm glad he got to go there and witness a catastrophic loss yeah you gotta get into that too just be just getting into like the just all i see dude watching how many people were there that at the citizens bank for

42,000 I think I can get into that Just watching like 42,000 people's spirits deflate It's I do it all the time I'm one of the people Every Notre Dame game I go to I'm like Why not us dude Why can't we get Fucking one I'm going back To the hotel It takes five hours To get back to the hotel You're just furious

Oh, Super Bowl. Same thing. Oh, that was the Super Bowl is tough because it's 50 50. So yeah, attendance. You get to watch people in pure elation and ecstasy. It's night and day while you're walking out hungover, sad about a sports game. And then you're like, why do I care? Why do I care about this? I got my own problems.

These guys are supposed to help me get rid of my problems. They're fucking causing more problems. And I lost money too. And I fucking lost a lot of money. They fucked up my investments. But don't worry. It's all looking up now that we've got our hands on this fine Tina Yu. True. We're back financially. This is the Eagles year. Don't fucking drop that shit, dude. It's meant to be dropped. It's set up to break. This is haunted, dude. It's set up to break.

They're probably fucking recording other shit through here, dude. This is going to the McCusker house. I gotta get this debug. The kids are gonna love it. Yeah, my fucking... Yeah, they'd love it. I mean, one could make an argument that was made for... There we go. There it is. Now it's standing up. Oh, nice. I mean, yeah, my daughter... Actually, this could be in fine decoration, although I do want it out of the house. Yeah, really? It does seem haunted, and I'm here alone. True. I've got a... I am afraid of ghosts. True.

The ghosts have been acting up lately. Really? Is it still spooky here or are you settling in? It's still spooky. Yeah, because I don't realize it because last week I was just doing shows, so I was coming home a little fucked up. Yeah, true. No ghosts. That is the ghost remedy. I was sober last night. That's why the farmer took to the whiskey. Yes. It'd be scary as hell. It's so scary. Yeah, dude. You're on a fucking farm by yourself with just a bunch of little kids. You're like, damn, I'm the sole representative of this family against all the forces of nature. I'd take to the bottle, too.

Stop looking at this lady. Stop looking at... Blackness gets distracted on us. Damn, that's fucking sick, though. Gosh, how do you say that word? Goache? This is a trap. How the fuck do you say gosh? Gosh, I think gosh, you say, I think it's gosh. That's a different thing. It's a goache. I think goache means bleeding hente. I had a feeling the screen was a bad idea. Look at screens. I know.

The hell we're talking. There's nothing you can put up there that's not, yeah. True. I'm still going to stare at that. We're talking ghosts. And so you think there's ghosts? There could be some ghosts. I hope there's not. I hope there's none. I wish you a ghost free house. I got, dude, I got something scarier than ghosts recently. I went out with me and Brittany went out. It was our, our anniversary makes no sense. We have like, there's like a range from like two weeks where it's like this day, then that day. And this day we got married in real life. And then we had like a court. You guys have your lay the pipe anniversary. Yeah.

she would remember i wish i knew i'm gonna get it out of her dude it might have been last night might have been late the pipe anniversary dude i i mean i'll blush telling the details but it was just like when women go off birth control they get locked in this natural cycle where they're just like you know what i'm talking about they're not horny at all i mean they're on the period so it's like how does he know he knows yeah i'm married there's about a week they're really horny yeah when they go off that thing like they get

They just want to bust, dude. It's crazy. Dude. She's on that point where she just wants to... And it's when they're... They could get pregnant. So, like, it's, like, it's fucked, dude. It's not fair. Because they're just, like, they... Two weeks out of the month, they're on the period or whatever it is. Like, I think it's, like, two... I think it's, like, 30 days out of the month they're on the period. Then one day they get horny. Like, dude. When they go on their natural cycle, it's pretty wild. But they get so fucking herny about that. And, dude, so she, like, last night was, like...

We had sex. Like she was like, she was, it's like you flip, like, it's like, you know, when you bother a girl all day, like, can we please have sex today? And just like, you're like at lunchtime, like we're having sex. Right. They start to do that. You're kind of like, all right. Yeah. Like, I don't want to do it. My thing is like, I will just like, we definitely will just chill. We're definitely going to bone. Like I'm definitely down to bone. We'll, we'll definitely bone. So last night, dude, I'm sitting there, we're boning.

How hard did you go boning? Were you like, she wants it, I'm going to give her the extra fucking... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. I mean, usually it's total favor. She's just kind of like, yeah, man, just do what you got to do. Poor guy. And I'm like, thanks, babe. But you can get into that.

I mean, there's something that sometimes is a little hot about that. There is something nice. There is something there. It's a prairie wife, dude. Yeah. It's fucking like, hurry up, hurry up, get it in, get it out. Get the evil out of you, boy. But yeah, no, I was like, I was fully locked in. I mean, I was sensei, dude. I was fully in my head. She entered your dojo. Yeah.

And we have this big thing now is we're like, we have a wine rack in our house, so we're always drinking wine now. So like my head, I have like... Please, dude. Please become a fat drunk.

It would make me so happy. What happens usually is I get placed on such a vicious nofap that by the time it's time to bone, I'm fucking crumbing. You got a bigger house now, right? Yeah. You can slink off, dude. I know you. True. I mean, dude, I have options. At nighttime, I'm talking a downstairs bathroom where I can kind of look out the window and see stuff outside. That helps. It's kind of nice. That helps the experience. It's kind of nice. It adds an element, you know? Nice. Nice.

I'm just saying it adds an element. I mean, there's a fence. I don't think anyone can see.

And if they can, that's, you know, you could have a little talking like the moon is beaming right on me. Could have a Wilson over there. Just true. We got Wilson already. Really? A guy like leaned over and was like, hey, just so you know, these dudes are mad. Nice. Oh, I didn't tell you this, dude. Fucking the week after I came back from here or that the day I came back from from your house. Yeah. I was like, no, maybe that was a week before. Either way. It was like when we first got it. No, it was the week before.

when I first, I like went out to record, we did the one in Josh's studio with Tony, with Tony Hinchcliffe. We were, I was coming back. Tony the pony, dude. I was like, I was all jazz. I think that went kind of well. I called Brittany like, Hey, what are you up to? And she was like,

I just had to ask the neighbors for money. I was like, what the fuck? We had a guy come hang like a TV and do other shit. And the dude, he was the weirdest dude. He's like an old slim Texas cowboy kind of guy. He's like probably 65. So he came by. So I had to help him. I was like, dude, because I wanted to like get him out of the house. It was like, you know, obviously Brittany's doesn't like being in the house with like strange men.

it's too much of a fuck i get it's too much of a temptation i get it and i said hey let me relieve you cowboy coming in dude it was he was slim dude he was so slim fuck he came in and so i'm like fuck i want to get this guy out of here so that i can leave and i won't be late so the dude was like i gotta hang this tv but he was like i don't know man i didn't this bracket's fucked up

I was like, what if I just hold the TV the whole time? He's like, you're going to hold the whole TV? And I'm like, yeah, dude, no problem. Dude, I'm just fucking, it left divots in my arms. I'm holding the TV, and this dude, he couldn't use a wrench because it was so tight, so he's just ratcheting down with a hand ratchet. And this dude's pouring sweat, and I'm sitting there blocked by the TV, and finally we move, so we're face-to-face. The TV moves. And I was like, how do you like doing it the old-fashioned way? Dude.

He just drips sweat off his face, looked at me in disbelief. It was fun. Jesus Christ. It was the funniest thing. Did he think it was funny? He kind of laughed. He had a moment of disbelief and then he just fucking gave it and shook his head and laughed. It was just like, Jesus Christ, dude.

But then this guy, I asked him, do you take Venmo? He goes, no. He goes, I got beat on Venmo one time, which I'm like, dumbass. But I was like, how? I think someone for real was like, I'll Venmo you. So he's like, I'll take cash or check. I said, cool. I had cash on me. I was like, I'll pay you. Then I forgot. I just left. So I left. He finished. Dude, it was 65 bucks.

yeah i'm not trying to big dog them but it's 60 it's 65 dollars yeah britney was like i'll write you a check he goes no checks just cash i'm like slim sick all right that's kind of tight i mean it's a cowboy yeah so then i didn't know this so i call her like yo what's up and she's like i had to go to the fucking neighbor's house and ask for money we'd been there for like three days so i'm like damn that's i'm like good on you for even doing that that's crazy i would have told the guy fuck off like i will pay you but i'm not going to ask for money

So she had to go ask for cash from our two of our neighbors. The first lady's like, I don't have cash, but I'll take you to our other neighbor's house. So that was the guy who Wilson dust let us borrow like 70 bucks. Then I had to come back, which was funny because I got to knock up and be like, yeah, my wife was out with the arms bowl. Let me fucking make right there. She's out begging. Did you say that? They heard my wife took up arms, dude. Sorry. I was like, thanks for pitying us. And they're, they're just laughing.

So I gave him $7. I was like, you have $70, dude. You guys were off to a wild start in the neighborhood. It was. It was a bad. You got to let them know. Poor form, dude. No, it's good to let the neighborhood know. We were there for three days. There's a new family of disruptors. Begged for money. The disruptor family has moved in. Yeah, and I'm beating and looking out the moon in the window, dude. That's actually kind of nice. Looking at the moon is nice jacking off because then you get to imagine like a hot chick is looking at the same moon right now. A thousand times. I mean, it's literally that moon is just like calling forth her eggs and stuff. I mean, I'm totally tapped in.

Totally tapped it. Just jacking off to the moon. Dude, my stomach pimples went away for some reason. At the end, yeah, you lose it. I'm totally tapped in. I'm jacking off to the moon. It's like the Zen thing where you're just a finger pointing to the moon and eventually you become the moon itself. It's just, that's my boner, dude. Oh, yeah. A finger that points us to the moon. Yeah.

God damn. That's the teaching. The teaching is the finger pointing to the moon. The teachings are fucking nuts. The teaching is the finger pointing to the moon, but the moon's the thing itself, not the teaching. The teaching's a vehicle. Of course. I wish I could take myself seriously enough to believe in any of that. I can't. I mean, Zen's not serious in and of itself. I know. Yeah, you're what? Just zero ego or whatever, but still the idea of me standing and pointing at the moon.

Well, you don't have to physically point. Yeah. Damn, you know as much about Zen as I know about sports, dude. What? Like the game was seven to one series. No, I mean, but what is this pointing at the moon? You don't physically point. The teaching's pointing at the moon. The teaching? But the teaching shouldn't be taken too seriously. What's the teaching? Just the sacred teachings, dude. Well, I know that. I can say that. I can say, yeah, it's just the sacred teachings. So what's the teaching? It's too much to go into. No, give me a fucking summary of the sacred Zen teachings. All right, let me think for a second. I mean, the whole thing is that...

You're not separate from it. It's very simple. You're not separate from the universe at all. Your idea of separateness is just an illusion that causes a bunch of pain and confusion. And once you ditch your separate self and you just say, I'm that.

And this, you just chill. You're just part of an ancient, eternal form that's swirling around that you can't comprehend. Yeah. And you're experiencing it as a separate self. But in reality, the separation is an illusion. And you are, it's like thou art that, tatvamasi, you are the universe, not your separate self. And you're both. It's not two, not one. Yeah. It's either nor, so.

Well, that's a bunch of fucking total mumbo jumbo. They can fuck themselves. Because when something bad happens to me, I don't think that tree gives a fuck out there. I mean, yeah, it wouldn't. It would be like, don't worry about it. No, I wouldn't think it. It's shit. It's a piece of shit. It's a self-organizing system, dude. Yeah, who cares? Where was the tree inside the seed? True. I've never even fucking considered this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Yep, that's me. Makes perfect sense. That's going to handle business. If I focus on that, things will work out. Well, you're not at your point yet. That's why the Hindus had it all separated to where you're in professional mode. You're in professional mode, dude. And then once you become like 50, 60, then you can start to think about it. You shouldn't think about this stuff too early. Really? Yeah.

That's the Hindus had it to where like you were like a baby then you were school-aged people then you were professional from like 20 to 40 then around 40 50 ish you got that then you got to chill and be like you guys handle business now you guys have to support me and you just go sit in the hut and just Fucking chill. All right, it's kind of nice to agree with that people can come consult you but you're like dude I did my time so retirement. Yeah, but it was more the retirement was more so focused primarily with like shedding entirely your sense of self and

rather than like watching tv and just fucking sitting there fucking wasting what a better way to shed yourself than watch a tv a show true that is true dude i'm not knocking it dude i know no no i agree i'm just i'm just contributing to the conversation we're the same dude true i mean dude they would that's very zen of you dude i'm very zen no for real no bullshit you are very zen

Yeah. One-pointedness of mine, too. Other than ghosts. Well... Other than being afraid of ghosts lately. They can catch you, though. It is just the Halloween season. True. I went out. I opened the door last night. The neighbors had pumpkins. I was like... You should tell them. Can you please... I said, can you please remove those? I came outside, and I know this sounds ridiculous, but they did give me a fright. I was heebie-jeebieed out. I had to lay down. Oh, dude. I got fucking so scared the other night. Me and Brittany, when we went out for our anniversary...

We were like, she took, dude, we had, it was a nice sushi dinner. We were drinking. It was a fun time. And then she took, she was all gung ho to smoke some weed. Took one hit, dude.

had a total girl panic attack so now i'm sitting there just i'm like i'm just down with this girl having a panic attack yeah now i'm sitting there being like dude it's all good we'll just go home not worried about it we're on the way home this dude this guy this poor uber driver picks us up she's like and he's thinking that she's gonna throw up so i was like dude we just smoked some weed she's bugging out like yeah we're not gonna throw up it's no big deal because you started blowing red lights and shit i'm like dude we're good so i'm

So I'm talking the whole time like, Britt, you're good. She's like, no, I'm not. I don't feel right. You got to rush through. She goes, you don't understand. I'm like, oh, but I do, dude. I was like, you don't think I went through the old fun house myself? Dude, she's like, that's not fucking funny. Yeah.

I was like, I spent some time in the fun house myself. She was like, that's not funny. Dude, and I go, here's what's going to happen. We're going to get home. You're going to lay in bed. Every time, you're going to instantly pass out. Yeah. Every single time she has a weed panic attack. She gets into bed. She's like, I'm dying. Call the hospital. I go, no, I'm not. Lay down. She goes, passes out. But then I got in the fucking room. I laid down. I didn't realize how high I was. So then all of a sudden, I'm laying there and I'm going...

The ceiling could fall on me. I'm like, there's the building could collapse. I had that thought, dude. I had that. How fucking scary is it? Hold on. I had that thought last night. Hey, mine was like two nights ago, dude. I was late. Wait, why are we both thinking about that? I don't know.

Dude, I don't know, man. Why are these big-ass beams above me? Yeah, this is a tall ceiling. I was like, does Texas get earthquakes? This thing just collapsed and smashed me. I laid in bed for like 40 minutes being like, dude, this shit could totally fall on me. There's got to be something internal there. I think there is. We're both having just anxiety.

I think it's a manifestation of anxiety. I worked with a kid one time. Yeah, of course, literally the ceiling falling in on you. Yeah, I think when things are unstable, you start to distrust structures. I worked with a kid. I was working with him because he was afraid of heights. He's like, well, it's not so much the heights as the building might fall. And I was like, well, damn, bro, now that you say it that way. I was like, this motherfucker could fall, I guess. We're fucked.

yeah but yeah he had a very unstable setup and i was like damn that's kind of crazy he's like he doesn't trust physical structures because he's so emotionally unsound and there i was three three weeks later you know years later just like this ceiling could fucking fall yeah there's a crack up there in that ceiling my problem my eye on that oh jesus christ i thought man if this thing shifts a little how cool is the brain though to be like it's nothing wrong with me it's this building could possibly fall yeah crush me

I'm doing everything right. I'm handling my business. I don't trust the engineering. Dude, the beams in my room are heavy though. I was laying right underneath. I'm like, Jesus Christ. This would squash me like a bug.

Holy shit, dude. This thing could go at any fucking second. I did keep myself from Googling buildings. I was about to be like, they got to fall sometimes. They got to just fall. I mean, they build millions of houses around the world. Some of them probably are just like, oops. Oh, yeah.

completely crushed yeah although there's fucking hindus bro they get hit with earthquakes shout out to nate and lamar dude they need to focus more on structure instead of true outer space they could they need to focus on roads and infrastructure and then we can figure out whether or not us dude i mean the east can learn from the west as well dude there's no mistake in that for sure certainly

The mayor and Nate were talking about that when they came on one week when you were gone, how dudes, there's all these videos of dudes in India just like at parties leaning against the wall and falling seven stories. Yeah.

Yeah, their structures are not sound. That would be so scary. They need sound. Dude, sound structures are, it is pretty cool. Yeah. I don't want to, you know, get too. I don't want to stunt too hard on them. You need colonial housing. Dude, it's crazy, man. I'm talking just a square box, fucking sloped roof. You can put a big modern window in the front of it, too. No one's, you know. Yeah. I mean, colonial house, the modern flair. It's like, why don't we just airdrop those, dude?

modular colonial style houses with modern flares. Yeah. It'd be awesome. We'd have to have a lot of them. Yeah. Have they examined the whole thing of like, what's the square footage of the houses over there? It's like, well, you got your guys' square footage. Average square footage of houses in India. Yeah. No wonder you guys are pissed. You guys can't barely entertain. I think the Indians are kind of chill. I think they live on like compound. The Indians are chill as hell. Yeah. The Indians are chill. I think people from India are fucking chilling out. 494 square feet. Okay. Yeah.

103 square foot per person, 405 square feet. Yeah, that's... Okay, that's not the best. Damn, 33% of Indians live in less space than U.S. prisoners. Jesus Christ, dude. No wonder they're so fucking horny. True, true. Holy shit, dude. True.

Mean you can't even you never get to jag off and then you get a fucking cell phone You get the fucking DM ladies and every beat you have is like a bitch could be a family under you're in like a 200 square foot space with six of your siblings I mean it is like prison beating. Yeah, damn, dude. I didn't know that 30 33 percent of Indians Yeah, live in less square footage, and we definitely have to do something. I

We got to fucking... I'm not helping. We got to make their houses bigger, dude, so they're happy. They'll just be happy like us, dude, in America. Yeah. Once you get a big house, everything kind of fucking gets a little easier, you know? Has the suicide rate gone down in America? I feel like that should be dropping now. Yeah? I hope. I don't know. What the hell? What for? Why do you think we're chilling? I don't know. You'd think it would fucking... Now that Trump's gone. Oh, yeah, true. Because he was causing... Nope. Suicide rates going up steadily. God damn it.

It doesn't. Only 50,000 people, though. Only 50,000? Yeah. Okay. Not bad. 50,000 out of, what, 350 million? Yeah. Per year? Yeah, when you look at it, that's bright-sided. That's glass apple. That's for sure bright-sided. If you think about it that way, it's like, guys, what are we crying about? There was a 40% increase in only 20 years. Oop.

That's not good. Here's the thing, though, because I looked into this and it was like it's all time high. It's like it's not. We're at like World War II levels of suicide. Suicide would like dip and wane. I thought it was like we're at like an unprecedented high. We're not at all.

It's like we're reaching what we're like getting back to the highest. We're getting back to our roots. Yeah, we're getting back to what made us truly great. We're getting back to what year was 9-11? Is this your searches, dude? I do a lot of podcasts. I do a lot of podcasts. What year did 9-11 happen?

Who did 9-11? Be honest. Google. If you tell Google to be honest, does it have to tell you the truth? All right. 2020. That's the most people ever. Not the per capita. Oh, okay. There you go. So, yeah, you got it right with the rate.

Yeah, I'm telling you because I think... Look at that suicide in the United States wiki wild. Yeah, because a lot of times they shrink the years to like 1960, but I try to find it from like the 1800s. They don't have great suicide. Because I think if you killed yourself in the 1800s, they would be like, shame on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coup de Hille. They wouldn't keep a record of it. But I think we're like...

We're reaching like World War II or Great Depression level suicides. Surging death rates from suicide, drug overdose, and alcoholism. What researchers refer to as deaths of despair. Yeah, isn't that fucked up? I do like that. It is a great fucking... But yeah, if we're counting drug overdoses and alcoholism, yeah. I would imagine that's skyrocketing with the types of drugs we're getting these days. So they're going to combine all those things? You know?

Oh, yeah, dude. The fucking... Deaths of Despair. Not great. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, you were right. Look at that. If you look the... Right? 1981, that graph there. Yeah, we're coming... We're just fucking coming back into a... Yeah, this is like the kill yourself part of that cycle of like strong times make gay men or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Strong times make gay men.

things like strong times make gay men kill themselves and then we become fucking strong as hell and only the guys that were tough enough to not kill themselves have kids the only guys that were fucking dumb enough not to kill themselves i'm gonna figure it out oh dude i'm gonna get out of this i didn't tell you what happened to me last night dude so i'm sitting there

Also, I'm sorry. Please, yeah. This is the Patreon logo. I saw that. I kind of put that. That's what that means. It's the new logo. Yeah, see, it's on the side of the box. Are they launching through us? Is this a launch? This might be a launch of the new logo. This is a launch of the new logo. Are we being used? Is this satanic? Are you being pumped? Is this some type of satanic sculpture? Don't touch it, dude. You're going to get the jibbies. It does remind me of something, if I have to say so myself, dude. Okay.

True. It's got this shape to it. I fucking recognize it. That's about right. That is absolutely about right. It's me in any pair of gym shorts just sticking straight out, dude. The dreaded nub. Damn, dude, we got the first ever fucking teenist award. Teenist award. Fuck. We got excellence in teenists. We've seen your teenists for many episodes. We've seen you picking at your teenists every single episode. Fuck.

Drenched 15. That's drenched one five for 15% off. Dude, so speaking of my teen history, last night I unsheathed it. I literally pulled it out of my sheath box. You pulled it through the hole? No, I wish. I have yet to fucking. A little peekaboo. A little cuckoo bird for the lady. Dude, I'll admit it.

I was sitting there like I was like worried I was gonna bust super quick I was like no I got this I was like I'm in full fucking control I worked all the way to doggy style off the edge of the bed which I'm like dude this is you are an edge of the bed king dude you know me I'm just I'm when I'm when I'm horizontal I'm just in my head going I'll get to the edge I can't start edge of the bed there's not enough friction to gain enough

power you need to bring down pain exactly once you're edge of the bed you're kind of like dude laying down having sex you should nail like two little like basically like starter blocks i fucking thought about it starter blocks onto the floor dude well my old room was set up in a way where i could catch the baseboard the bed was close enough where i could catch the baseboard for traction now we got now we're generating some force it's the best now your wife's paying for it

Now she's realizing how wrong she was about so many things. But I'm sitting there. Dude, in my head, I'm going, this will go on forever. I'm literally, I'm going to enter, I'm going to get into tantric stuff. I was like, I might be a tantric master. Dude, she reached from behind herself and grabbed my nuts.

Dead in the water, dude. I was like, what the hell? What are you doing? It crushed me. Yeah, that's why you were just recently awarded. True. I was like, we got done. I'm like, dude, you just busted out some fucking ho stuff on me, dude. Where the hell did that come from?

tricks she wants to have the tricks I'm like damn dude in my head I'm like this will go on forever and she was like jump yeah she they have their tricks oh my goodness I've had enough of this yeah but it was such a tap him out for sure it was such a nice ending I was like she goes oh you like that I was like of course I do

You reach around to me. First of all, I was like, oh, her hand's going. Right away, I'm going, what's she doing with her hand? I'm so excited. Yeah. Then she grabbed my balls. I'm like, what? That's my butthole. Oh, my God. Get back to my ball. Because she was trying to find my nutsack. So she reached around, and she went a little too far. And I went, yo. And then she grabbed my balls. And I went, not getting it. Did the butthole get you excited at all? It was the general area, dude. I know, but. Yes, dude. She was grabbing my balls, and then her fingers hit my fucking dragon skin on the back. And I went, yo.

And then she went to the ball. I was like, that's my b-hole. And she came back to the balls and I went, no, I'm done. It was just the whole journey, dude. It's all about the creative journey. Yeah, she had me fucked up last night, dude. I just laid there fucking gassed, dude. I was like, what the fuck? It was nice. Yeah. Told her, I said, bust that back out on me, dude.

Yeah, I'm not into penetrative anal sex. I don't want her to penetrate. I just, I'm just saying. I feel like a little knock on the door and then go, whoa, that's forbidden. Exactly. Or just. Nothing wrong with some forbidden stuff. Dude, I'm telling you, it was just, you know, like when a girl's hand touches you, you're like, whoa, what the fuck? It was just girl fingers just traversing just a whole forbidden area. And I was like, yo, what the fuck?

out of nowhere too. Was she gentle with your testicles? So gentle, dude. That's what you need. The worst thing, a lady just fucking manhandles you nuts. Dude, dude, I had a, I had a doctor, but she was, she used to fucking grip my fucking balls up hard as hell. And I'm like, I received somebody gripping my balls. I'm like, don't, yeah. And I'm like, well, that's the end of that hurt. You know, I lost a boner. Oh,

Oh, yeah. Nice. Or it's just next level now. Or it's just next level. Maybe I'm into pain. I'm not. I don't like it. I'm such a baby. And then I start to instantly be like, if I fucking did that to you, you'd be fucking furious. If I squeezed your balls like that, you'd be furious.

Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, so last night was tight, dude. I fucking... That is cool. I was, dude, I was shocked. Yeah. I was shocked, and I told her, I said, dude, I was totally, I was totally controlled, dude. I had the remote. I was going to take you to Tantric Bliss. Why did you do that host outfit, dude? I was about to take you to Tantric Bliss, then you fucking...

You ice skated across my testicles. Have you done... How many times have you reached? She did a 360 axle on my butthole. Yeah, that's crazy. I went, yo. Yeah. Tens. Little tap. Balls. It was crazy. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. It was like a meander. It was just like... She was playing a harp, dude. She was a maiden. She played like the Do, Re, Mi, Fa, Sol, La, Ti, Do back and forth. I went, yo, dude. What the fuck? What is this song? In other news...

I will tell you that the acoustics in this house are, this is fart heaven. Oh. I just, by myself, hitting church farts in here. I never thought about that. It's wonderful. Oh my God. You don't even consider it until you hit one and you go, oh. I never even thought about that.

So that's something to consider going forward. Dude, I don't know what it is. I think my body's adjusting to the meat down here because I've been hitting like a farmer's market and getting like... I had that lamb. I gave you some of that. I was like...

You can taste it, dude. It tastes like you're just eating the hay of a barn. Some of the fat. I'm like, damn, this shit's fresh. Some of the farts I've been grabbing off these fucking lambs and these beefs, dude, down here. Well, thank you for blessing me with some of the fart lamb. Try it, dude. I will have the fart lamb. I didn't know if it was the lamb itself as I was eating some other stuff. I'll be sure to keep you updated. I'll see. I'll check. I'll give you a phone call. I'll have a clipboard tonight. I'll give you a phone call. I'll say the lamb works. Bring more of that.

Hey, not in my heavy chairs. Not in the heaviest fucking chairs you've ever seen in your life. True.

Why do they make the furniture so heavy? I told you, because that way, if you're, you know, if you have enough means and enough wealth, you want to see people fucking die. Oh, yeah, you need to, yeah. Just get trapped under one of your chairs and you go, most unfortunate. The effort must go on. My stuff must be moved. You must have more stuff in here. I'm sick of the view here. Bring in the heaviest fucking chair you've ever seen in your life. I'm no longer stunned by this view. I want to be stunned. I'd love to be gassed. It is not a very stunning view.

I mean, it's... Yeah, true. Well, this is what happens. Yeah, then everybody's like, well, now I'm looking off the edge of a cliff. And you go, all right, I've seen this cliff every day for fucking two years. What now? Someone goes, do you want to come to my island? You go, what's there? What are you doing there? Don't worry about it. Massages. It is probably something you've seen a lot, but never even thought of the possibilities. True. And you end up sexually blackmailed. Damn, and that's how, you know, the whole Western world backs...

Yeah. What if one, what if, I mean, the only thing that could stop it is a couple of guys stepping up and being brave and being like, yeah, dude, that is right. That is what I did. Yeah. And I'm not a fan. And here's a video of it. Yeah, dude. I'd actually like a copy of that video. Yeah.

Send me that evidence for my personal files. Yeah, I did that and I'm proud of it. Yeah. That's got to imagine you're a senator from Iowa, dude. Dude, it wouldn't even have to be. They could have footage of me having sex with a perfectly of age woman. And I'd be like, dude, I will sign whatever bill you want. Don't ever show anyone me fucking. Imagine your pants are like some pants derivative and you're like, I'm going to come. And they're just watching the video with you and you're like.

Jesus fucking Christ. Oh, you talking? Yeah, and you still believe in hell? You're Pence and you're like, dude, I'm going to fucking hell. Pence would never go to the island. He would never. Pence might be the only good politician we have, dude. This is quickly becoming a very pro-Pence podcast. He's an electrifying speaker.

Did you see him on the debate? I haven't watched him in the Republican debate. He's so fucking funny. The dog's not in it. I'm not watching. I hate watching him without the dog. True. All those guys like taking shots. A lot of pale imitations, dude, of the true of the chosen one, dude. Pence is funny in the debate. I do wish Trump went there to fucking debate Pence because that would him versus Pence might be a pretty ultimate debate.

Pence is like, I stood up from the Constitution. That would be a bloodbath. He would just make fun of him for being his... He'd call him like his little bitch. He'd be so mean to our sweet Pence. I know, dude. Pence fucking dominated... What's her name? The VP. Kamala? Kamala in the... Did he... Remember that? He debated her during the last election. I don't remember that. A fly landed on his head, so everyone was making fun of him. Psst.

Goddamn. He was destroying that lady. Obviously. Yeah. Pass those stuff. I mean, that's kind of unfair. They should at least start, they should let, if it's a boy versus a girl debate, they should let the girl debate like for 30 minutes and interrupt it. So that's fucking, because you can just be like, wait, what? I'm like, nah, I didn't say that. It's like, hold up, huh? You're getting angry. Come on, relax.

I don't know why you're so loud right now. I didn't even fucking fly landed on his head and everyone fucking calls it. That's the only thing people fly was right. Photoshop dude. It didn't move. I remember it just sat on his hair for the entire debate. To be fair, his haircut looks perfect for a fly. No, it looks like a nice soft. He's got crushed for having a fly on his head. Yeah, he was fucking focused dude.

I mean, you don't see anyone with a fly on their fucking head in politics. For that long, yeah. Fatal mistake, dude. But then again, if he, like, swat... He could have done a cool politician joke. I mean, like, flies down in Arkansas or something else. Yeah. Trust me, I love Arkansas more than anything. One thing I love, it's fucking Arkansas. I'd love to talk about the Constitution here. But yeah, hopefully we don't, again, hopefully we don't get dragged into a world war.

I've been watching Crystal and Sager. Oh, yeah? Yeah, they seem to be worried that we're going to end up in a fucking global world war. Yeah, it looks like that. Yeah, Iran. There's people hollering about it. Iran, yeah. Saying we should finally attack. Although, this does come up every few years. Yeah. Like, all right, it's time to finally attack Iran. It's like, why do we have to? Don't do it. I mean, I understand they're a destabilizing force in the region. Yeah. But we don't need to fucking... I don't know. My thing is, have we chilled with them and tried to be boys? Yeah.

I don't know. They're pretty fucking intense. Are they nasty? Yeah, they hit a lot of death to Americas.

Yeah, but dude, you know the ancient beef is that they thought they were going to be like Nazis and they weren't allowed to be. Yeah, they thought they were the true... Iran thought they were the true Aryans. They could be, honestly. They still hold it down like that. You ever talk to a Persian? No. They're like, yeah, we're white. Yeah, they're Aryans. Chill, bro. Dude, no. They throw up the Hitlers at fucking soccer games. Some of those dudes in Iran toss up fucking sea gales. I kept it low key, obviously. No.

Not in front of the TV. When someone throws me a sig hail, I go, gotcha. On to the next guy. Go low. Yes. Psych. Thought I was going to be a motherfucking Nazi. Dude, I saw Wes Watson in Adam 22. What were they up to? Wes Watson was on no jumper, dude. What was he talking about? Just his fucking how his parents hate him because he's rich and he's just like, is so detached from this world and like he doesn't even give a fuck. But he also does buy like cool shit because like that just pumps him up.

It was the funniest, dude. The interview. So it made me love him again. I loved Wes Watson when he came out and I was kind of like, I don't know, whatever. The interview is so fucking funny. He's so fucking funny. He always seemed pretty funny, dude. He, he is. Yeah. But it's like, he'll just be talking and talking and be like, I mean, that's why I'm just like, I, I'm on an energy level that just can't be fucked with. He's like, yeah, yeah. My bitch has fake tits and a BBL dude. He's like, it's hot as fuck.

He's like, if you don't like fake tits, he's like, what the fuck? Shut the fuck up. He's so funny. And he's so tired because he wakes up at 2.30 in the morning. So he's always just like, yeah, I just, you know, it's just big ass fake tits. Like, I can't have a fat bitch with me because I'm thick enough. We look like a couple of fat idiots. Just like,

This guy's so tired, dude. I've been making $100,000 a day for longer than I can even fucking remember. I don't fucking know. He's sleepy, dude. He's so sleepy. He was telling Adam22, he was just like, because it's funny, the whole time Adam22's going, I don't know, man. You don't need, he's like, I like eight hours of sleep. He's like, you don't need fucking eight hours. They tell you that to keep you fucking down. Why would they ever try to keep us down like that? Because they just keep you down, dude. They don't want you making $100,000 from your fitness. You can make $100,000 selling fitness programs with Wes Watson a day.

And you can move next to him in Miami. Go to sleep. You can still do that. No, dude, you can move next to him. Go to sleep. Where are you going to be at the Lambeau Yacht, dude? You can move next to him. You can do it. His two neighbors are boys on his program that have mansions now, dude. Yeah.

He has, there's like four Lambo yachts, dude. He's got one of the four Lambo yachts and he drives his bitch has fucking fake tits and a BBL. All the bitches in Miami have BBLs, dude. The ratio of hot chicks to dudes is just, it's off. Something's wrong down there. Yeah. And it's just, dude, everyone's winning. Everyone's driving Porsches. Everyone's winning in the whole city. The whole city. Everyone's driving Porsches. Fucking everyone's jacked and has BBLs, dude. It's...

It's dude. It's he, he might be my him describing that as cool. It is really funny. That for real sounds like fucking hell. It's just everyone like we're winning. Shut up. Miami is a creator's paradise. It's a content creator's paradise. Apparently for some reason they're all like going to Miami, Texas. Oh yeah. Duh. Duh. That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Fuck.

But yeah, the interview is kind of fun. And the whole time, Adam 22, he brings up Coke constantly. So they start talking about haters and then fucking, I mean, Wes Watson did talk about it a little bit, but he keeps re-bringing it up. And then Wes Watson's talking about like, these motherfuckers are talking shit on this and that. And you know, they think of, and then Adam 22's like, yeah, dude, like if I even mentioned Coke, everyone thinks I'm a Coke head. I haven't done it in like four fucking years.

And he had brought up Coke like 10 times in the podcast. Like, if I even bring it up, everyone thinks I'm a fucking Coke. Truth is, I haven't done it in four or five fucking years, dude. Everyone fucking says I'm a Coke. You remember there was a promoter that used to do that in comedy.

Yeah. He'd come up to you after a set drenched in sweat, screaming. Yep. Like, I don't even do coke. All right. Can I get 50 bucks? I just drink coffee late at night. Everybody thinks I'm on cocaine all the time, which is fucking crazy. I'm not even doing that. But you had a good set tonight. All right, man. It was just so fucking funny. He's like, yeah. And so right before he said that, he's like, yeah, it's just like you're the guy was talking about, like, harnessing the energy of he was like,

Wes Watson was claiming, he's like, I don't eat carbs, like, at all until I want to go to sleep. Because, like, he's like, if you eat all meat, and then right before bedtime, he's like, I just pig on, I eat, like, apple pie, ice cream, and he's like, the insulin spikes and you pass out. He's like, then I wake up at 2.40 in the morning.

Jesus. Adam 22 is like, exactly, man. That's like in the 80s when cocaine, everyone was on coke. And like, yeah, obviously it ruins some people's lives. They end up like homeless crackheads. But if you could have harnessed that power and that energy. You could have harnessed the cocaine. It's like people who harness that energy. You could be Wolf of Wall Street. Yeah.

If you do coke the right way. He loves coke. People could harness that energy once to the next level. I haven't gone to the well in a while. Of the cocaine well. Yeah, true. I need to get back in there. All those coke talks got me fired up. If you can harness the energy. You can do lines off that thing. True. I might just suck that thing later. It looks like it'd be a fun texture to lick. I might suck lines off that. It could be flavored.

There's only one way to find out if there's keys in there or if it tastes good. Take a bite out of that thing.

I don't even need coke. I drank my whole fucking matcha down here. Yeah, you're flying. Drank my whole goddamn matcha. I've been drinking... Austin's a good town for you. Dude, my stomach pimples went away. Austin is a good town for me. It's super gluten-free. It is. Gluten-free. There's all types of, like, matcha and shit. Yeah, dude. Matcha, the bone broth. A lot of like-minded bros. There are. Yeah. I told you, there's that guy. I don't know... Oh, fuck. I wish I remembered his Instagram, but he does a thing where he... I sent you the reel where he's like...

I lived in Austin, bro. He calls everyone brother. It makes me... Oh, dude, I sent you the thing a while ago. He's very funny. He has these reels, these things where it's him as an Austin guy. He's like, I only let leather and wood touch my body. Brother, have you ever listened to Aubrey Marcus' podcast, brother? It's like, you know, open up your mind, brother. This guy needs to be...

Executed. He's so funny. He only lets leather and wood touch his body. He's kidding. He's a joke. All right. That's funny. Yeah. It's all a joke. But it was killing me because I always do say brother all the time. So I was watching. God damn it. Yeah. It's like, brother, brother. I hung out with too many Muslims for a while and I was saying brother nonstop. Really? Yes, brother. We need to go there. Brother, please. I wish I could remember the guy's name. It was very funny. It was not even. It was Ahmed Weinberg. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And who else? It might have been Naeem.

Oh yeah. I was out with two Muslims. Oh, you had a Muslim weekend. I had a Muslim crew. All we talked about was brother. Yes, brother. The prophet brother. Yeah, Islam's pretty tight. Oh, well, you know what I'm saying. Sorry. Oh, sorry. Maybe tape my mouth shut. Caution. Censor. Censor.

God, they're trying to censor us, dude. Yeah, we got to go on a Sam Harris tip, dude. We got to just erase religion in general so we can all think about science and be nice to each other through that instead. Is that what he's been yapping about? He has always been yapping about that. It's a big thing. He's like talking shit on dudes in third world countries just stuck in the Paleolithic age, being like, if they just got rid of their religion, they could erase science. It's like, yeah, dude, maybe.

Yeah. Maybe if they weren't making less than a dollar a day, dude, I'd get real religious if I was that true. And you get on the internet and you see Wes Watson being like, I make fucking a hundred thousand dollars a day. I lift and I eat fucking pie at night. He was sitting there. He's like, dude, in the parking lot before I came in here, I made $15,000.

he's like i'll make as if as i'm why is this the thing on podcast now is people bragging about making money but that's their entire identity yeah i mean because the whole thing is his his whole thing is that he will if you pay him he'll teach you how to make that much money so his whole thing is like damn i just made a hundred oh yeah that's obviously it yeah then then you can just be like oh shit i want to make you can pay him 50 you pay me two thousand dollars a month i'll get he's like i mean it's just not even a question i'll get you to make a hundred thousand dollars yeah

So just selling fitness. Once he trains you in fitness programs, then like you're ready. Once you get jacked, everybody's going to hire you. Yeah, for real. You're going to become a CEO. Yeah, literally. Think about it. Think how many CEOs are jacked. Jacked and detached. Most of them. You got to get jacked and detached. Most of them are fucking bodybuilders. Huge. Big time. Yeah. I mean, dude, Tim Cook. Swole. Jacked. Elon Musk. Swole. Jacked. Zuckerberg. Zuck. They're all doing jujitsu now though. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is a good thing for them to work on. Yeah. As if their bodyguards aren't going to kill anybody that ever touches them. It's time for them to focus strictly on hand-to-hand combat where the other guy doesn't have a weapon. Or is Zuck in... If only Abraham Lincoln had learned jujitsu, he would have survived. He would have survived the assassination. He could have survived the fall from being shot. He could have rolled. He could have rolled into it. Then shrinked away. Gone straight to an ankle lock on the ground. Shot for the legs and boots.

Booth was dealing with a broken leg afterwards, too. Was he really? Yeah, he jumped off the balcony. He shot him and then jumped down onto the stage and shattered his leg. It's kind of beast. He was like, you sick, Emperor Tyrannus. Whatever.

It was like, what a dork. It is funny he said six semper tyrannis. Was he, he was like against freeing the slaves, I guess? No, well, it was more of a states rights thing. States rights, obviously, yeah. He was against, I'm sure he was obviously against freeing the slaves. He shot Lincoln. But it was more so like, give us a better price for cotton. He thought it was straight states rights. Yeah, don't tell us, yeah, don't tell us how much it's all cotton for. Did he yell six semper tyrannis? I think that's actually like the Virginia motto. Is it really? Which you would think they might have changed that. Six semper tyrannis.

Is that the... Oh, yeah. Caesar. Oh, okay. What's the Virginia state flag look like? Six Semper Tyrannis. Virginia state flag. Let's see what's the motto there. Yeah, I'd be curious. Yeah, see? Six Semper Tyrannis at the bottom. Damn, dude. But... So kill Caesar. Yeah. Become a backstabbing weasel.

Cool, Virginia. And then they tried it again, dude. They tried to stab America in the back and they got what for? Yeah, true. Now they're for lovers only. Now they're just for lovers. Like, look, we don't want to assassinate leaders. We tried assassinating leaders. That's kind of wild. That's their fucking state flag. It's like a call to assassinating powerful figures. I actually like it. Death to tyrants. It's cool. But it's just like, man, that's aggressive.

It is aggressive. We're the Keystone. Pennsylvania's the Keystone State. Yeah, our motto is like... Bird in the hand, we're too in the bush or something. It's like liberty and... Justice for all. I think it's just like two words. Oh, really? I could be wrong. Liberty zone. Virtue, liberty, and independence. Nice. Delaware's just, we're first. First dibs. First. First date, called it. Here first. First.

State mottos are nice, dude. Yeah, they're pretty nice. This is right up my alley. I'm not going to look away from this. There we go. Friendship, dude. Texas state motto. Friendship, bro. That's tight. The Spanish pronunciation of the local Indian tribe's word, Tichas, or Tichas, meaning friends or allies. Nice, man. I like that. Fuck, man. I thought Texas' logo would have been way more aggressive. It's just friendship. Where's state motto?

That's actually a good idea. Ours has got to be pretty low. Pennsylvania is just kind of gay. Excelsior is pretty sick. New York. Excelsior, that is kind of nice. Eureka is California. That's nice, too. That's nice. Dorigo, Latin for I direct. Oro and Plateau is tight for Montana. It is. Utah is industry. Industry, that's a crap one. Yeah. Tennessee, agriculture and commerce. Agriculture and commerce. Damn, they hit fucking Virginia with 46, except for Tyrannus. Thus always the tyrants. Rhode Island, hope. Tight.

Eureka is nice dude it's for the gold dude they found the gold dude with God all things are possible okay that's just cheating you snarky little blogger shut up dude that's a sick under God the people rule tight South Dakota Ohio's is awesome yeah that's what I'm saying with God all things are possible that's what I'm just saying that's a fucking that's a sick one South Dakota under God the people rule tight

Florida and God we trust, dude. Nice. These state mottos are awesome. Look at Colorado's nothing without the deity. Yeah, that's kind of Neil Seale. What the fuck? God enriches Arizona. Yeah, dude. Let it be perpetual, Idaho. Let's go. Whoa, what is this? Michigan's. See Curis, Peninsula, Memonium, Circumspecies, Tubor. If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you and I will defend.

Michigan's is gay. Yeah, Michigan's is about peninsulas. For real, that's a pause, dude. Why are you so into peninsulas? Yeah, that's a big pause for the Wolverines, dude. If you see a fucking peninsula in my pants, just touch it. Ooh, I like New Mexico. That's mine.

It grows as it goes. It grows as it goes. I'm going to say, hold on, how do you pronounce that? How do you say that, you think? Cresci... Cresci... Yundo. Yundo. That's what I'm going to tell a lady. It grows as it grows. I'm just going to whisper in her ear. I'm going to go, Cresci... She's going to say, what? I'll go, Google it after. Damn, your organ's nice too. She flies with her own wings. These seem to be getting worse.

Yeah, maybe it is the number one. Indiana, the crossroads of America is kind of tight. Yeah, I like that. Jersey, liberty and prosperity. All for our country. Yeah, they're definitely getting worse. Yeah. State sovereignty. Yeah. What's the number one? It's got to be live free or die. Yeah. Dude, if they hate on that, that's fucking bullshit. Yeah. Best. Let me see number one. Union, justice and confidence. Louisiana. To the stars through adversity. All right, Kansas. I long to see what is beyond. Minnesota is nice. Yeah.

Excelsior is fucking tight. Excelsior is great. Yeah, I kind of like that. While I breathe, I hope. South Carolina. Washington is just by and by. North of the future. Slow down, Joshua. Damn, dude. We're number two on the rankings. This has to be worse. Wyoming, equal rights. New Hampshire, live free or die. I knew it was number one. I knew these mother... So this is number one, though. I can't tell what's the best and what's the worst. Whatevs. No, they're saying it's good. Oh, tight.

Yeah, live free or die is tight. Virtue, liberty, independence. I think they're just ranked. Or they're just being like, yo, this fucking stinks. Well, live free or die does rule. Yeah. I mean, given that. Does it say it on there? It says don't tread on me, I wish. I mean, it's like pretty close. It's like 6M for Tyrannus. Don't tread on me. It is. That's also New Hampshire. Yeah. Or is it Vermont? Oh, I don't know. It's one of them. It's one. Yeah, I think it might be Vermont.

I saw a dude with a tank. Gatson flag. I saw a dude with a tank on the other day, and I was just like, you're... What's up, bro? He had a tank. Oh, he was rocking a tank top. Yeah. Apparently, though, this is like a far-right hate symbol now, so I'm kind of like, god dang it. Certainly. Oh, man.

I told you what it's what I get because I was at a college party and a dude had a big iron eagle on his leg. He's like, he's like my German heritage. I'm like, dude, you got a Nazi tattoo, you dumbass. And I was making fun of him in a room full of people. Yeah. All laughing at this dude's tattoo. And then I, here I go and get a fucking this. I

I'm like, this is cool. Five years later, they're like white supremacy for right fucking Nazi. God damn it. That is what I get though. For dude, I was crushing this dude that might come back around soon and be very liberal and cool to be true to be anti-Semitic and a Nazi. So if you play your cards right, you're going to be very liberal here in a couple of years. True. Yeah. Yeah. I just got to wait and bide my time. I am ready to come back around. I'm ready to be lib, dude. You are libbed as fuck. Might fall apart.

The whole thing might come crashing down, dude. Independent party. Dude, not the fucking ceiling. I'm talking about the duopoly of the two-party system. I know, but I mean, what a metaphor. True. This is it. It's true. Oh, no. The duopoly. The duopoly could fall, dude. RFK is about to ruin Trump. Yeah, you think so? He's going to take those votes, brother. Yeah, dude. But what about Biden? He's going to take the Trump dog's votes. What if the Trump could tap him, dude?

Like, brother, just join me. Do your time. You'll be next. I'm doing one more time. Damn, that's a CIA fucking wet dream, dude. Both those guys in a car together. Oh, yeah. They're like, well, we're going to drone strike it. An IAD must have made it back over here from Afghanistan. You know how those sons of bitches over in Palestine got over here and fucking flew a drone and blew up the car. Hamas blew up our president's voice. God damn it. Yeah, true.

Yeah, the Air Force One would be stay off of it. Just get blown up immediately. I was on a plane with Rogan and I was like, yeah, dude. True. That was back when he was. He's a fucking, yeah, he's a dude, especially in an election year. It's like, yeah, someone would love to see that dude's plane explode. Yeah. He sways millions of votes. Yeah. It's like, yeah, they could easily put the button on him and be like, all right, that's about enough of that.

I literally sat on a plane and thought about it for two straight hours. It was in the middle of the vaccine thing. I was like, holy shit, they're going to blow this plane up. I forgot about that. They made out like bandits off that thing. What, the vaccination? Oh my God. They're trying to play it back.

Now it's like Jason goes to space at this point. I will say, though, I got wrecked by whatever that fucking cold I had was. True. So, I mean, I think it is going around again. But guess what? Yeah, I'm fine. Look, I'm back, dude. I'm stronger than I was. Stronger than ever. Heart's great. Where are we at time-wise, Josh? We're at an hour four. Woo!

I got a whiz anyway. Yeah, let's pay. Let's switch over to the beautiful Patreon. The motherfucking Patreon. Thank you, Patreon. Oh, I have something I want to talk to you about on the Patreon. Oh, that's exciting stuff. It's a Patreon-only thing, too. I'm going to do something for the bros. Okay. Hold me to it, dude. Hold my feet to the fire. I'm making a promise. Don't make me hold your feet to the fire. I'm making a promise, dude. I will deliver. Look at those powerful rocks and crystals in there. Those are real diamonds. Yeah, obviously, dude. Certainly.

Stolen from the mummies. I can't wait for a cold day down here in Texas. Warm my digital fire with the fur blankets. That'll be nice. Lovely fur blankets. Just vape. Just fucking jack off in front of the digital fire. Oh, you got a nice view. I'll be outside from here too. I could. Oh my God. A crank went out by this window. Oh yeah. You'd see all the foliage. Yeah. Your fence is just like my fence, dude. He blocks your name. Your neighbors get like, it's just enough bitch ass neighbors trying to watch me jack off by the digital fire. Just pull the curtains. Go.

Pull the curtains and be like, guys, for real. Yeah, slam these see-through curtains. That's the scariest part, dude. What? Laying on this couch trying to watch the baseball game thinking, God damn.

Yeah. Somebody's going to sneak back here and have their way with me. I might give you a Halloween fight. If you do that, I do have a handgun now. I will put you down. I'm holding the trigger. I watch TV with a gun like this. I'm going to get a ladder and go up to the high windows up there. Just a Halloween mask. If you do that, I'm going to wear a ski mask and break into your house and hold your family hostage. Dude.

It'll be a fun prank we both do to each other. I'm going to rub a chainsaw. I'm going to fucking kill you if you do that. I would die. I'd be a goat. I'd be a fainting goat. If I was in this kitchen and saw you up there, I would faint. I would lay on the ground. I'm going to rent a horse and get a suit so I have no head. I told you we did that to a kid, right? We went to my friend. A friend of mine who has since gone to...

uh prison for murder oh no so i thought it was more of a fun game at the time when we were kids he took it into real life we went to this other kid's house that we kind of knew we didn't know him that well we had a bb gun he was watching tv in the basement we stood at his sliding glass window and tapped on it it was like this we were kids

For the record, we were very young kids, but I'll never forget the kid did the right thing. He like spazzed and then slammed the lights off and hid. Whoa. He was smart enough to turn the lights off. That's so funny. Tap a gun. Just be like, ha. That's the scariest thing of all time. I didn't do it. The guy who eventually got arrested for murder. Yeah. He's the one who did it. Told you, we spooked my friend. We told him, we like, first of all, we just watched him. He was in a finished basement rapping alone to Eminem. I don't know if he did it, by the way, for the record. Oh, true. True. Yeah, true. He might not have.

My friend was, we like spied on him and his family. He was in a basement. He would, he was sitting down there like in a mirror rapping along to Eminem. So we just watched him rap. Oh, we just watched it. It was just the howling, laughing through his window. Oh my God. And then he, we started like making noises and stuff. And then he went upstairs and we went to his brother. We started like throwing rocks at his window. So he got all like kind of freaked out and went to his brother's window. And we were like, yo, friend is this? But,

I'm going to have Bert back and reprise his role. Dude, I got him. And then that's when we went to his brother and we're like, yo, it's us. Just, just play along. And we, we had his brother tell him that there were dudes outside with bandanas that wanted to beat his ass. They're like, he, like he talks shit to us from the public school. That's one of the pieces. Yeah.

He was just giving messages to his brother like, yo, ask him what the fuck they want. And we're like, we saw you rapping. Fuck you guys.

He really can. He could take it better, I think, than anyone else, Paul, as a joke. Yeah. You could just fucking lay into him and he just laughs. He's like, fuck you, dude. Just caught cold rapping Eminem out in the mirror. I mean, that could happen to any of us. I know. Of course, dude. Obviously, I've listened to music and rapped. In the basement, dude, in the mirror. In the basement by yourself. Fuck. Just cold busted, dude.

yeah it was the best what year was it was this around eight mile yeah it's like we were in high school so it was probably before pre-eight mile maybe yeah that would have been eight mile was it what year did it come out oh four oh three yeah that would have been about okay because i was in college in oh four 2002 you're right so i would have you would have been you're absolutely right that's why he was freestyling down there dude he absolutely was yeah what else are you losing himself he was losing himself dude

Oh, you did a good job. You cleared that search before you came down here, didn't you? I do a lot of podcasts. There's a lot of weird searches. God damn it if my Google search was up there.

Crazy shit. I can't. Who knows what I'm Googling? True. I lay on the couch and I think of something and I'm like... And just bring it right up. Yeah. My stuff's fucking bullshit. Mine's all like, is turmeric anti-inflammatory? Does black pepper with turmeric help absorb better? Yeah, I think our Google searches are exactly what you think they are. Mine's like, what year did... What college did Michael Stott go to? What year did he graduate from Purdue? You just remind yourself of Purdue. No, I do. Dude, I did...

Oh man, nevermind. I was looking at the NFL's top players, top 100 players. I was like, I wonder how many colleges I could get. I didn't get any. I was like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. I knew that one that counts. Oh yeah. I also thought I was good at Jeopardy. I've been watching Jeopardy every day.

I thought I was good at it. You are pretty good at Jeopardy. Yeah, I'm good at Jeopardy in my own head. Better than me. When you do it publicly. Oh, yeah. You're like, I knew that one. See, I thought I was... When you do it by yourself in your own head, you're like, I knew that one. I got that right. I thought I was nasty at Jeopardy until I watched it with you, and I'm like, Shane's actually nasty at Jeopardy. I'm pretty good at Jeopardy. Yeah, I was like, you're actually pretty nasty. I was just like, I definitely know this stuff, and I don't know anything. That's how it happens. If you watch it by yourself, you're like, I knew that one. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. As soon as they say it, you're like, I would have got that account. Yeah.

So far, I've gotten every single one right. All right. Where are you going to next? I'm going to Alabama. Now that being gay is the new coolest thing. True. I'm headed to the gayest state in America. Alabama. I'm going down to Alabama. I'm headed down Alabama-y way. Nice. On a Thursday. And then Friday, Saturday, I'm going to go to the LSU-Alabama football game. This week?

Next weekend. This weekend I'm going to go to the Texas BYU football game here in lovely Austin. I'm visiting my nephew's birthday party this week. You got to go back to Philly? Yeah. Dang, I was going to invite you to come to the Texas BYU football game. What day are you going? Saturday. I'll be on a goddamn flight. I'll be in Madison, Wisconsin. Ooh. Comedy Zone, Charlotte, North Carolina. Cap City is going to sell out here in Austin, Texas way. These are all...

Great clubs. Yeah, McGuby's, Timonium, Maryland, Zaney's, Nashville, and Hyena's, Fort Worth, Dallas, Texas. Ethan's doing a good job. Those are for real. They're awesome. Those are like the best clubs. Yeah, dude. That's going to be a blast. Yeah, those are going to be awesome. You're going to get done with that stretch and go, I'm ready to film.

Make sure you toss in a dud club in there. Oh, it's... Magoobs can keep you humble. Magoobs can keep you humble. I went to the last three were pretty humble-making clubs. Yeah. The last three were Rochester. Bakersfield was a humble-maker. Rochester was humble pie. My Pacific Northwest trip was a bit of humble pie. Yeah. You know, tall ceiling rooms. Laugh or dissipate. It's like people are cracking up out there. I just can't really tell. People are laughing, but you can't feel the laughs. Yeah, yeah.

Well, yeah, so it'll be fun. All right, let's switch over to the Patreon. Let's go.