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Hey. Hey. No, you're fine. We're here. We're here. The ledge, dude. The legend. Vulture. You, dude. The legend. It's so good to be here amongst you. I know he's going to do that. I didn't. I know what you're up to. I didn't expect it. You're so comfortable. I like that. Turn the hat back around, dude. Show the mothership. Why are you hiding it? Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
This is how unknown I am. We were sitting in the airport. I was wearing this hat. And this guy comes up to me and goes, oh, wow, I'm going there. He goes, were you ever there? Yeah. For a fucking weekend, asshole. Five sold out. And so, buddy, you worked there. This is my career real quick. So over the summer. Go. Not real quick. Tell us about it. Over the summer, like I did.
First, I did four shows on Bert's tour. You were on one, right? Which was, you know, 15,000, 8,000, whatever. Then I went to LA, did the Comedy Store, and then some other room down by San Diego. Great week. You know, you're doing the Comedy Store. Then I came home, did the Mothership, right? And five sold-out shows, even though every show sells out. But still, there's a lot of fans there. They love comedy.
Then I taped a half an hour. And then I did outside on a parking lot under a tent in Jersey. I mean, it's only...
20 minutes from my house And it was a Friday night 1500 bucks Yeah yeah yeah So like That's why you're the legend That's what I'm saying You are the legend dude You're water dude You just go high and low And just If you go into a hospital And look at a heart monitor It goes up and down For sure If it goes straight across You're dead They're dead Yeah You see what I'm saying Peaks and valleys Peaks and valleys Thank you A lot of valleys A lot of fucking valleys I'm a lowland man myself Yeah
But like I had some valleys this weekend. I thought that new material was sharp. It's not. It is not. It is not good. I did. I had to do new material because I had a special come out. And I was like, nice. First 30, 35 minutes of the show is brand new. It was it was good. The first time I told it in Detroit, I was like, damn, I got it already. Yeah.
Didn't hold up in Orlando and Fort Lauderdale. First half hour. You say don't hold up. You're saying it's like not where you want it to be? It wasn't because I was having fun telling it the first time. Yeah. And then I was the second time, the second week telling it, I was trying to like remember what I said. Yep. And it just needs a lot of work. Do you record audio and listen back? I need to start doing it. Dude, I do. It helps. See now, I don't know if I can. Then I'll be like, holy shit, I'm the worst of all time. You got to be your biggest fan. I'm...
I swear to God, I'm my biggest hater. It's not even, no one's close. I listen back and go, that guy has a speech impediment. It's fucking horrible. Holy shit, why didn't anybody tell me? Yeah, I had a tough time realizing I don't make any sense 80% of the time. And then this, and I set things up in the most schizophrenic way. You think you're making sense. I don't make any sense. And I go, I think they got it.
And then you hear it back, you're like, I hope everybody understood what the joke even was. I think I got pity laughs all weekend. They're like, yeah, go ahead, guy. That could have been Detroit. Could have been dudes that were pumped to see me. You know, here's... Like, I can't sit down. I could if I had... But I don't sit and write. No. If something comes to me, then I use it. What do you mean? I got seven fucking albums. I know. For sure. I got seven albums. I don't know how. And...
four, five of them are really good. Yeah. The last, you know what I mean? They're good. The first one is your first album with whatever bullshit you did. You know, whatever fucking shit you did back then. I told them to take it off the serious. Take that out. Oh, are you kidding me? If I, the stuff I was saying, but anyhow, like, I'll write, I'll come up with a bit. It's,
And about a year I go, okay, I got a new album or whatever. I can't go out and just do a new half hour. I don't know how you could do that. Well, it was some older. It was just stuff I used to do. And it's like, all right, now I think I can more comfortably explain why it's funny.
And it turns out I can't. And I need to... But here's the thing. I'm going to have to work, which sucks. The real deal is, in life, is is it funny to comics? Because club owners... No one gives a fuck about funny. They care about numbers. They don't give a... I've had a club owner... I said to this... I go, I'm the best I've ever been. He goes, that doesn't matter. What are you selling? And so, you know, if you could sit like...
I never sent watch people do commie. I sat, uh,
For an hour and watch you at the stress... Oh, yeah, yeah. I watch Chris Porter for an hour. He's a funny fucking cat. Chris Porter's great. You know, there's certain people that you'll sit and watch going, that's fucking brilliant, that's funny, that's good. But club owners, you don't see a club owner... Nine out of ten or eight out of ten are not sitting there watching the show. No, they don't watch. After you come off stage, you go, man, that was a good bit or that was funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Because, you know, real quick, and I'm not...
There was two promoters online on Facebook. They were arguing. And one of the promoters said, you know, I'm old school. I just like funny. If you're funny...
uh not how many followers you have this and that people huh i i i walked i walked half the room in canada so they're called one club one promoter said i just like and the other guys going you know i don't care about numbers or followers and the other one goes well i have to keep the doors open so i wrote to the other one
I go, if you went to a restaurant and they gave you the biggest portion on the planet, but the food stunk, would you go back? You know what I mean? He didn't get back to me. So, no, he didn't get back to me because he knew. Do you go for quality or quantity? You know, so quantity now. I've been a big Golden Corral, man. I've been to Old Country Buffet. But you know what I'm saying? Woo-wee.
Now it's a quick fix. For sure. It's a quick fix. You know, fucking, I don't know. And I'm not bitter. I love doing comedy. You know I love doing comedy. Yeah, yeah, of course. I'm just saying it's a quick fix in everything in life. Yeah. But wasn't it a quick fix when you guys, when you were like tough crowd? I remember you guys talking shit on like Dat Fan and like guys that were like new that were blown up. No, no.
I don't need to name a particular guy. I did apologize to him. Oh, good. Because me and Patrice were brutal to him. It was so funny. And I did email him saying, hey, listen, I'm sorry that I did this back in the day. And being he doesn't know how to read, it meant nothing. You know? I didn't just drew pictures. Anyhow. So. You hit him with the hotmail account? Yeah.
I want you to know, I'm sorry, by the way. I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to take a shot at that. I can't believe you did that. He was a good kid. Listen, back... No, we didn't... I don't know. I mean, it wasn't... No, but back then, wasn't it the same way, though? Like, guys would blow up doing stuff? No, I think guys back then would mainly go after kind of like guitar racks or jugglers or, you know, variety acts. I feel like comedy's better now than it was back then, though.
Well, I'm just fucking, I'm kidding. I don't know. I just know I'm fucking great. True, true. You are like neon. You're neon, neon, dude. You're coach prime. You're rich prime, dude. I'm not fucking around. I don't fail. My stage. Bulletproof. I'm real bulletproof. I've seen you in action. We witnessed it. I mean, this is a touchy subject. I know you're going to get fired up. Oh, and that fucking Philly bullshit. Yeah.
Dude, no one's been able to do that. No one ever has done what you did on that. I made it through it. You didn't even make it through it. You transcended the show. You made fun of people that were anonymously talking shit on you. And won. Without knowing what they were saying. No, he turned and looked at one point. Oh, you little fucker. He didn't know the rules. Even still, dude. Everyone who did that, I would host that for like
I'll do like 10 up front. I get like three into it. I'm like, oh, we're going to bring the first. Shaking. It's terrible. Dude, I would get up there and shake. It was so bad. I was doing rooms. You just ripped like 25. Yeah, just like, what are they saying? The meanest thing in the world is being like losers. I spent more money on my teeth than they made combined. That one got all of us. I still remember that. That was like seven years ago. I remember that insult. It's funny. I mean, I was doing rooms. Yeah.
400 fucking black people sitting like this up front. Rooms that black comics were scared to kill. Before they had cell phones though. Now they're not even close to looking. This room in the Peverent Lounge was so rough.
The show, they said it starts at 10 You get there, it doesn't start till 12 Every fucking Any black celebrity In New Jersey, you know Shannon Briggs, the boxer Queen Latifah, everybody Was always there And there was a comic bombing
And, I mean, he was bombing. And this dude just walked up to the stage and threw chicken bones at him. Oh, my God. Right? You got to walk off. You got to be done. You got to be done. Yeah. I mean, you know, we had... Someone threw a chicken bone at me. I'd be like, all right, yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'll take these to the trash for you guys. I'll throw those out. It's just, I don't know. Back in the day, we didn't really...
I don't know. Listen, if there was internet, Twitter, Instagram, all that shit back during Tough Crowd. You guys would be all over it, dude. Are you kidding me? Patrice would be posting crowd work clips with captions.
That fucking motherfucker I brought him into ONA I brought him The second he started Trashing me Like I walked him in He goes what Like through the back And he thought What do you think You're in Goodfellas Walking me through the kitchen Or whatever And so we got We were on there one day And I was driving A little Porsche Boxer And he had some big Like Escalade
And he's going, you fucker. You guys were doing real well. He's going to me. He's going, you selfish fuck. You have a little two-seater. And he's trashing. I mean, beat me down with your dumb Rolex. Not even real. I mean, like, I walked out of there fucking round. Two days later.
I send him, I email him like the price of his car new versus mine and mine was more and he calls me laughing going, you're still thinking about this, right? He would just fucking kill you and like it was nothing and then
you know, oh, I love you hashing out on the email. Sincerely, Richard. My car's worth more than yours. Hashing out on email. Yeah, this email's on my car's worth more than yours. It was a new car. Yes. And he called me selfish because he had a big Escalade because that
cocksucker couldn't stop eating cheesecakes and he had to have something big to put his fat ass in I'm sorry you're the fucking selfish whatever he was we had some we were I was dropping him off one night in Jersey City I got an easy bathroom so we're walking to his house and he looks at me he goes man I don't have a fucking thing going on in this business no agent can't get work nothing I go you
I can't fucking... I can't get hired. I can't... And we just both started cracking up and kept walking. We did an audition together, me and Patrice, for the head of casting for ABC to be the two leads in a sitcom, right? So we go in there. We go in there. Patrice won't take his face out of the paper, and I can't act. So...
Hold on. All right, go ahead. So we're doing this scene together and Marcy Phillips, the head of casting, is yelling at me. I go, he won't look at me. How do I connect with him? I can't connect with him. You guys turned on each other in the audition. She goes, can you two just get out of here? And we're walking down the hallway and then he's cracking up, right? And all these executives behind us. And for some reason, I just, I have gas and I farted in it.
He fell underground laughing. We just fucked up this audition. That's the ultimate victory. That's the ultimate victory, dude. Yeah, your acting. I remember that O&A where they had you read the lines. It's one of the funniest. If you can find it online, go watch it. With Chaz Palminter. Whatever his name is. Chaz Palminter. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, they had boss read lines in like a show. It's so bad. No, they snuck. Okay. It's crazy. We used to argue on ONA who was the worst actor, me or Norton, because Norton is a blinking fuck, right? Little no chin, blinking fuck. I saw this one recently. It was pretty good. Norton? That show Colin Quinn does where they took the cop show. Oh, yeah, the cop show. Yeah, I saw that clip. It's funny. It's very good. Yeah.
But, yeah, it took him 40 fucking years. All right? Little fucking mole. What a horrible head. As a matter of fact, I was listening to him on the radio this morning coming in. I text him. I go, how bad is morning radio that I'm listening to you fucking assholes? So...
So we're always arguing who's a worse actor. So I get a fucking text from the producer. We want you to do a scene from A Bronx Tale with Norton tomorrow. I go, okay, no problem. So they have two mics set up for me and Norton. They go to commercial. They go, after commercial break, you two will do the scene. They didn't give me the sides the night before. They gave them to me when I got there.
So they go to commercial. I go stand by the mic waiting for Norton to walk out. They go back on the air. I go, come on, what the fuck?
Then Kaz, whatever his last name is, Palmatary comes walking. And I got to do the scene with him. And, you know, from a, Hey, I, the guy owes me 20 and I, I fucking stink, but he won't look. So I started blaming him. I started blaming him. I go, look at me. How can I do a scene without you? Look, it was, it was classic. I did his podcast like maybe three months ago, whatever. Uh,
The nicest guy in the planet. The nicest guy. Beautiful house. And he was a really nice guy. I saw him at the UFC and he was very, he was awesome. Oh, is that where you took the picture with the enemy? The enemy? You're such a fucking old CNN liberal bitch. Are you a demon rat? I'm so far. He's such a little bitch. No, I roasted him. You love Biden, dude. Are you crazy? Are you fucking mad?
That's like saying... You love the vaccine. That's like saying... You love the vaccine, dude. If you don't like steak, that means you like lobster. Look, you fucking idiot. You can hate steak and lobster, too. I agree. That's fair. But you do love the vax. I would take a vax...
Free Palestine. Free Palestine. Let's go. Free Palestine from what? Chill, chill, chill. Your generation does. I'm not anti-anything. I'm not anti-anything. You guys love Dr. So. Fuck you. How old are you? 37. 37. We question everything.
Okay. Boomers, the boomers are like, yes, doctor. Yes, doctor. Yes, doctor. We're more critical. Yeah. You say, yes, daddy. Okay. Here's...
My doctor. You need another vaccine. I'm making 25 bucks every time you take a booster. You go, oh, that makes sense. I'll get it on. Oh, really? And every time you fucking click or buy a phone, somebody's making money. Shut up. They got to make money, too. True. They got to make money. My doctor passed away in June. Must have been a bad doctor. I said, what hope do I have? Yeah, that's not good.
Put in memory on my special for him before my dad my dad died July 31st on my daughter's birthday My daughter's bird and I walked in I go to my daughter. Happy birthday Grandpa's dead Let's go have cake Fucking narcissist couldn't wait a day Made it all by himself. Yeah, dang
Then we buried him the next day, which would have been my mom's birthday, August 1st. You know, whatever. Boy, am I a depressing piece of shit. No, you're not. I have nothing. It's very uplifting. I have nothing. I have nothing. What's it like when both your parents die, though? Isn't it kind of like, is it slightly freeing or is it just depressing and weird? Here's the thing. I have three daughters. Mm-hmm.
I did... Now I realize how tough my mom's life was as a single mom with a dad not sending child support. Nothing. Yeah. Okay, and I realize that. But everything in life, I did the opposite of my parents and I raised two fucking amazing older kids, both pregnant now. Two days they're going to deliver. The house is...
Great jobs. My 16 year old is a 16 year old. Okay. But I was wondering why one got left out of the equation. I was like, what happened? No, that's Bonnie's kid. She's a Bonnie. Like my daughter has, you know, really developed. And the other day, no, Bonnie said to me, she goes, have you seen Rainer's breast? And I go, no, the drill bit broke. But, uh,
The little people in the wall. Oh, there we go. All right. Fuck you. It took me a second. That's how clever I am. I'm glad that you brought us food. Fucking candy corn from Halloween. Candy corn.
Candy corn from Alabama? Try it. It's good. The guy sells out fucking stadiums. Here's candy corn, dude. Have some candy corn on me. Fucking high roller. Fucking the biggest act in the country. You want some stale cashews? They're not even macadamia nuts. They're fucking peanuts.
Fucking peanuts! It's a peanut, motherfucker. I'm a peanut. I'm telling you right now. That's a good combo. Try, get a piece of candy corn, an M&M, and some peanuts. For real, it's a good combo. You invented that, yeah. It's a good combo. A real snack package, Shane. Oh, wow, that was worth a fucking bridge and tunnel and two hours in the car. Shut up.
Oh, that's one you guys basically invented that's the funniest thing. I saw DeRosa did it. David Lucas was trying to roast him on Kill Tony, and he's in the middle of one of those like, Joe, you look like... DeRosa just turns over and goes, shut up! It's just a knockout every time. Someone's trying to get a joke out, and you hit them with a, ugh, shut up. Shut up, stupid. Shut up, stupid. Fucking DeRosa looks like a bookend. LAUGHTER
I love that guy so much, dude. He is getting funnier. He's such a good comic. The older he's getting, the funnier he's getting. He's more of a dickhead. That's awesome. But he doesn't care. Like, he's so good. He's like, there's Kurt Metzger. So fucking good. These comics are so, and they're whatever. Fucking DeRosa, when we were doing Would You Bang Him? Did you ever, you did that? I don't think I ever got to do it. No. You never did Would You Bang Him? No. What's the show?
Bonnie and I host it. We have three female judges and a gay judge. Comic comes out, does eight minutes, and judges take turns discussing whether they would fuck them or not after they're set. Yeah, you can see why I've avoided this. You can see why I've gone, ah, I can't do that one. I'll tell you a funny story. So we're doing it at Skankfest when it was in Brooklyn, right? Yeah.
And who was it? Oh, Ari Schaefer went out. Yeah. And one of the judges said, you know, let me see your cock or whatever. And he's chasing her around the stage with his dick out, right? It was fun. It's fun. She did say she would vote for Ms. Cassandra. Yeah, she said.
Just fucking around. Yeah, yeah. Louis C.K. is standing in the wings watching this going, I lost my career. And this guy...
And this guy's chasing a girl around. Yeah. You know, I mean, that story's been out there. So I'm not telling anything. For sure. You know, and there's nothing you can't say about Ari that he wouldn't agree with. I think he threw piss on people at that same show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that just brought everybody down. Hey, time for candy corn. Candy corn break. I don't think people care about throwing piss, though. Throwing piss is okay. Yeah, they don't care about throwing piss.
No one gives a fuck. The powers above. Also, you can take a dick out of it. Like, the alt scene. If someone asked, yeah. Yeah, they do naked roast battle. They do naked shit the whole time. Yeah, true. Who? How?
First of all, I would never do naked anything because I'd have to fucking, you know, my doctor caught me. My doctor caught me fluffing at once. Last guy to see you naked. You got caught fluffing? Yeah, my doctor goes, don't worry, everybody does. That's nice. That is nice. Now he's fucking dead. He sounded like the man. He was great. He checked my prostate once and I turned around and go, that's all you got? He's fingering my asshole. I came like a jackass.
Like naked roast, like what? I don't understand, man. We might have definitely talked about it before, but when they did it in Vegas, Nate Diaz was in town, and I was like, come hang out at Skank Fest. We'll get fucked up, it'll be fun. As soon as he gets there, it's the naked roast. Who, Bargatze? Nate Diaz, the UFC fighter. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. And he just walks in and is like, what the fuck is this shit? Dude. So we all went to the green room, and we're just in there drinking, him and his boys. As soon as one of the guys gets off stage-
This fat naked comic walks in. They looked at each other. They didn't even communicate at all. All of them just got up and left. They're like, this shit's gay. What the fuck are you guys doing? I was like, it's not gay. And then a fat naked guy came in and I was like, all right, maybe it's gay. I know the guy. I know the guy who was the first. Shout out Harrison, dude. Harrison walked out and he was like, it was, I just watched Nate Diaz and be like, ew, and start to leave. And he had to be like, ah, to your naked body. Naked body.
Naked roast is... It's so crazy. I don't understand what people think they're going to get out of that. The smallest, because the adrenaline and all that. Your dick is that big. It's crazy. You're on stage. Everyone in the crowd is just going, ew. Listen, when I take a shower, I have to put it... I can't look at myself. I avoid that. I swear to God. I hate myself. Hotel mirrors, and they have those fucking glass showers now. Oh, I got a good one for you. First of all, what? Yesterday...
I had some, dude, I had some grub before the show that was, something was wrong with this chicken. Yeah, yeah. Of course, I had four more wings. Tendies? First one went bad, and I was like, that tastes weird. Maybe it's just a different type of seasoning. I don't know about that. Salmonella? So I had four wings.
I got on stage. I've never had to shit on stage before. What? 20 minutes in, I was like, oh my God, I'm going to have to shit my pants. You're going to have to do an hour? And I did an hour. Now, it went away, but it was one of those where it was like, that's weird. If I have to shit on stage, this is a real problem.
uh the the next morning i wake up terrible indigestion like really fucking and i was drinking a little not more than nothing crazy yeah yeah and but they had me in this hotel room that was insane it was like a penthouse overlooking the ocean yeah giant but every shower was like a stone like the shower inside was stone and then it just had a glass window out out
To the outside. In the bathroom? The whole side of the wall of the shower was just a window overlooking the city. So the people could see. So like if they looked up, they'd see this giant naked guy like. But I was like, oh, fuck, I feel terrible. I'm going to make myself throw up. Oh, man. So I had a toothbrush. I like stuck it in there. I thought it would be like a little. Dude, I was standing. Dude, I went like that. Boom.
Like five monstrous dudes. Anyway, I thought you'd enjoy that. You brought your food poisoning. I did. I was so sick. Dude, I almost shit myself on the way to the airport. I just thought it'd be a fun visual of a giant fat guy in a skyscraper just... I don't think you're fat. I don't even... Shut the fuck up, boss. You bitch. Shut up. Dude...
6 o'clock in the morning, I almost shit my pants in an Uber on the way to the airport. I ate this spicy, like, pizza stuff. And I was like, before I left, I was like, I gotta shit. And I'm like, I'll be fine. I get in the Uber, and it was so bad, I had to sit like this. I was sitting sideways, dude. And I was...
I was like, I'm not farting this Uber. The cramps were so bad. I had to. I had to. I had to let it out. I was waiting to have it smell. I was going to apologize to the lady. I'm so sorry. I'm going to shit my pants. Dude, it was so bad. I was flying out of Terminal D. We pulled up near A. I'm like, you can let me out at A.
And she was like, what? And I looked into A and it looked like there was no lights on. I was like, actually, is that where they do pre-check? I don't think so. I'll go to D. Dude, I go to D, run into the bathroom. It was like before the security. There's no toilet paper. It was so bad that I go, no toilet paper. I went, I don't have time to look for anywhere else. Shit. Shit.
And I was like, I'll just grab a seat covering or something. And then I remember I go, holy fuck, Brittany put Kleenex. We had like a, it wasn't even an argument. She put like packets of Kleenex in my bag. And I was like, the fuck am I going to do with these? I don't use these fucking things. And I was like, oh my God, thank you so much. Took the Kleenex out, wiped my ass. Kleenex wipes nice. It was beautiful, dude. I was working years ago at the comic strip in Fort Lauderdale. Back in the day when girls were just throwing pussy at comics.
And I guess I was dating this girl And between shows I went out and fooled around with her See, the girl was so mean to me And just drove back to Jersey that day So that night I was Between shows I was fooling around with this girl
and i ate wings too the way he's in for a long time so i'm getting ready to do the second show and i'm sticking every comedian just got that eating wings just got that eating wings hit her with the buffalo bread and i i i farted a little came out and i ran in the bathroom before i was introduced
Rip my underwear off. Oh, no. And threw them in the garbage. Dude. That's like a sniper disassembling his rifle. Yeah, right out there. I was working at a club when I first started. You remember they used to have painter pants when you used to wear the white? I was wearing white painter pants and I didn't have underwear on. I didn't realize I had bright yellow piss stains. And I'm on stage and someone yells, he's got piss.
Oh, did I fucking bomb so bad? You can't get out of it. Yeah. He's got piss stains. Oh, my God. Did you ever hear the Donald Hatton story? No. Oh, he just comes up from Florida. He was just a meek, regular, no teeth, nothing. He knew nothing about New York. Doing one gig is a nightmare. So there was a gig...
Shooting star and yonkers Fucking mobs Everything Yeah Italians You know So he walks out He's headlining And they're talking And da da da And he says to him He goes If you people would listen You might find this funny And some guy in the back Stands up and yells He's wounded Let's get him Ha ha ha
Oh, that's tough. That's tough. Yeah, that's a smart heckle. Yeah. Someone being like, he's weak right now. He just showed vulnerability. Get him. Oh, fuck. You can't. You can't show vulnerability. Who is that? Who's Davis? Gabe Davis. Touchdown this week. Didn't hit the celebration, that fucker. Really? He scored this weekend. Didn't. For who? What teams did he play with? Didn't hit the fucking...
- The Bills. - You're an Eagle fan. - I am an Eagle fan, but I've come around on the Bills and the Niners. - Bills Mafia, yeah. - Once I started hanging out with kids, these young boys that are playing in the NFL. - Athletes. - And I love them. - Wait, you know the-- - Yeah. - Uh-huh. - I'm friends with a couple of the guys. But Gabe promised a touchdown celebration.
But I told him. He probably regretted it. I said, where the fuck was that celebration? He was like, I got the wind knocked out of me as soon as I scored that touchdown. Really? And I watched it, and it's very funny. He doesn't celebrate at all. He gets hit, and he's like, just stands there with the ball. The Bills killed, who was it, the Raiders? The Raiders, yeah. God, I was going to take them, too. They needed that. They looked like shit against the Jets. Yeah. The Jets are done. The Jets are done. I watched that. They're done. The Cowboys are good. They were nasty. Who do you like?
You strike me as a Cowboys fan. No, when I grew up... Doesn't he remind you of a Cowboys fan? Yeah, he's a Cowboys fan. Energy, yeah. Backwards hat. Backwards hat. Growing up, backwards hat. Wait, okay, I'm going to wear it like this? You look good. You look good. It's goofy like that. No, you look good. No. You look good. Like this? Yeah, man. By the way, don't cough into the mic.
You look like a general contractor. You look like a general contractor. You look good. Listen, really? Also, by the way, he's going to wear hats forward from here on out. Just one compliment. It's over. He's going, wait, really? Really? Yeah, you're going to wear a hat forward. I'm taking fashion tips from you two?
You look more serious. Probably should. These are fucking Jordans. One of my 40 pairs. I'm a headliner. Anyhow, so I grew up a Rams fan because I played on the Rams in Little League. And I grew up an Orioles fan because I was on the Orioles in Little League. That's a good reason. So, you know, those were my... But that was back when Roman Gabriel and Deacon Jones and the Fearsome Foursome and, you know, and the Orioles had four 20-game winners back in the day.
I got Pistol Pete's fucking rookie card at home. Really? Yeah, fuck yeah. Pistol Pete. Hold on. Can you tell us some stories about when you were doing crack? Yes. Because that's so funny. How long did you do crack for? An hour. No. What do you mean? I mean, I was a drug addict. I mean, I started getting high when I was 15. Okay. Then you work your way. For sure, yeah. And then, you know, I started smoking. Then you do karate and do crack. I smoked it.
You know, crack is just a fucking street name for free base. I like to say I did free base because I'm more eccentric. One time I remember trying to sell this guy's car in New York. He gave me his car to cop and I went in to cop and I tried to sell it, but I didn't have the bill of sale. So I just took the radio out and sold his radio. Here's a good I used to do.
That's backwards hat behavior. True. Backwards hat behavior. We were getting hossed with this. Billy was getting hossed. Frontwards, backwards. Dude, I own you right now. I'm making you turn your hat forward and backwards. Are you going to trade me for fucking candy corn in prison? Hey man, I'll give you him and candy corn for that other young boy. Yeah.
We could use another young boy here. This was a great... We only have one young boy here tonight. This was a great scam. You know how they have those fake $50 bills with advertisement on the back? Yeah, I remember those. And they look like real... And I would wrap 10 singles and then put the 50 in the middle, pull up to the guy, give me $6.
Vials count it out hand them and take off. Yeah one time I went and this is in my act years ago Yeah, one guy I go. What do you got? He showed me and I snatched him I snatched out of his hand and he punched me twice in the head. He was fucking quick This fucking dude was quick
Right. And I go, wow. But I drove. I mean, you got a combo off. But I drove away and I'm hitting cars on the side. And I pull like a mile down the road. I was so excited because I stole like three vials from him. And I threw it in a
a pipe and i hit it and it was soap oh and the punch line that's a true story there and then the punch line i go you don't rip me off when i'm ripping you off you punched me in the face for soap what the fuck but it was really it was so what the fuck you hit me over so that's how committed he was and not only was it not free base it ruined my pipe do you know what kind of soap it was
Yeah. Free. I wouldn't mind hitting some Irish Spring. Yeah. It'd be nice. Dove. That's good you stopped. It seems like a tough thing to stop. Oh, thank you. It is good. Seriously. No, I got 37 years clean. That's awesome. 37, but I gamble. I mean, I'm just a product. I'm just...
You know, fuck. We've all got problems. Addicted to instant gratification. That's why we do stand up. True. You know, you're up there getting that fucking response. Yeah. You know, two more. Like I say, two more hugs as a kid. We'd have a fucking real job. Fuck. Thank you, mom and dad. I mean, audience. Really, you got to validate my existence here at fucking Tiff's.
Now, you were a karate man, too. Back in the day. Really? What about- You ever see him? No, I've never seen him. He's got a photo on his phone that's so fucking- He's got a jerry curl. He's throwing a kick in a fucking karate game. How- When'd you start- Was the karate through childhood, or was that like a- No, I probably, in my 20s, took- I was really fucking good, too. Damn. I was fucking- That's awesome. Imagine him on crack, doing fucking- I took him to tournaments.
I wasn't doing crack then. That's Cobra Kai stuff, dude. Yeah, you're a bad guy. Bad karate guy. Yeah, that was season one and two. I stopped at four. You gave that little kid a kung fu snatch, dude, and hit the crack vials. I was standing. I was like Kane in kung fu. Dude, you're getting popped twice. It's just the noise you must have made. Like, ah! Fucking guy. Ah, fucking asshole. Fuck you.
Like a fly. Side swiping cards. It's like a fly landed on me. Me and Norton were standing. Oh, here. Me and Norton were standing in front of a restaurant in New York. And I went to throw a kick. And I slipped in like the garbage fucking juice on the ground. And I fell in the garbage juice on the ground. Fucking homo. You got to look carefully. That's me in the black. Damn, dude.
That's crazy. Yeah, the boss man. I was the man back in the day. Why'd you stop the martial arts? Crack. True. True. Fuck. You know, you just get older and you start part. You start Miller. Crack cocaine. You start partying. Yeah. You know. True, yeah.
Me and all my friends, we would just sit and get high and fight each other all night because we all took karate. Sounds awesome, actually. We'd sit there in the basement, say there was four of us, and we're getting high. We had this carburetor. You get high on what? Pot, just pot, real high. And they go, we're giving you a choice.
and you had to fight the other three. That was a choice. Or we'd go outside if there was like six of us and pick teams and just have our team and just fight on the front lawn. That's great. Because we all took karate at the same school. And Yubi was the best. This dude, Yubi, he passed. This fucking dude was so good. And then I was probably second because I was real quick. Yeah.
I could throw a sidekick. You couldn't see it. I was fucking so good. And then I fucking, you know, started getting pussy and shit. Yeah. It destroys every karate guy. Every karate master. The second one tastes of pussy. Duh. You know. Didn't you grow up playing sports? Yeah, I did. We used to do that. We used to pick teams and fight in the basement. That was fun. For real? Yeah. I mean, not like...
It ended when I put my friend through the wall. He was on my back strangling me, so I ran as far as I could backwards into the wall. Oh, nice. Put a body-sized hole in the drywall. Yeah, no more wrestling. Yeah, that was immediately, we were all like, oh, my God. Was it your house? Yeah, it was mine, yeah. Phil was steaming. Yeah, dude. He was fuming. There was a guy, Teddy. The hell? He was on my back. There was a guy, Teddy, used to get high with us, and he had a fake eye, and we're all fucked up and just like,
would pour down. He was sitting getting high one day with these other dudes and one guy just threw a dart at him.
In his eye. Holy fuck. We were getting high one night, tripping on acid, and he was there, and we had to kick him out. We go, listen, you can't stay here. His eye. Because your eye. Yeah. Did it smell? I don't know. I didn't get that close. Where were you guys? Is this in Jersey? Yeah. We used to party.
Then my friend had a band and we would party upstairs with a band practice. One of the dudes used to play would come jam with him. Pat D'Anozio. He was in the band of Smithereens. All right. Do you know who they are? Shout out to Smithereens. He's dead. I'm dead. But never mind. Weren't they a big band? I don't know. I feel like I've heard of them. They have as well. I don't know. These are just old war drug stories, partying, growing up. That's what I like to hear. You know, we were fucking...
You know, back before Coke, I mean, if you think about it, I did have a lot of fun at times. Yeah. Just going to parties, you know. It's the best part. Yeah. And then it got real. But, you know. How did it get real? What was the come to Jesus? Well, one dude I owed money for Coke, he took it.
Torch my mother's car damn How much you're huh? How much is your six hundred? Boxy towards back. Yeah, but back. Yeah, was it two weeks ago? 39 years you've had some fire problems
Oh, yeah. It's a reoccurring theme with you. What did you do? Nothing. What did you do? And then I did nothing when our house burned down. I was in Sacramento. I was in Sacramento. Insurance cover? Yeah, but it's, you know, I just wanted what I lost, you know. Yeah, true. I had a Monet and a Warhol, you know. I had my Honus Wagner rookie card. Yeah, yeah.
Well, he's doing his bit. Start the car, you fucking hack. Fucking... No, it's good. What do you call it? What was the question about? What is that called when somebody sets fire to their own property? Jewish lightning. It's called arson. No, it's called Jewish lightning. Well, I'm going to tell you how fucking legitimate I am. Let me tell you how legitimate. Bonnie had a Rolex. I bought a Rolex. I'm a headliner. And...
She lost it. She lost this fucking. So the insurance paid us whatever. A year later, I found it. It was in one of her shoes. I called her and I mailed it back to the insurance company because if I would have kept it, that's fucking fraud. Yeah. I'm not going to jail for some bullshit. True. You know what I mean? So in life, there's one thing I believe. I believe in karma for real.
If you do good things, you know, I do this podcast. Maybe Rogan will ask me to do his. Is that why you wore that mothership, you little fucker? You wore the mothership for that? I did his podcast twice. Fucking, I stink. I lost followers.
No, those one-on-ones are tough, especially when you're like, all right, this is it. What's that? When it's just you and Rogan. No, it was, yeah, it was, yeah. My first time was pretty tough. Yeah, that'd be scary. It wasn't tough because I've known him for 30 fucking years. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've known him from day one. So, you know, it just- I didn't know Rogan was such an one-on-one guy. Everybody, well, back then they were fucking the thing. Yeah. You know, they were, plus he would go on too as a guest. Yeah.
You know back then before I mean as a guest I didn't know yeah, yeah, yeah, he taught I mean those guys have lost their fucking minds Hello, no, oh, yeah Fucking you know they're ahead of their time Yeah, well they like going into churches and like well they did that they got kicked off the air for two years What was the church thing people? Sam
You try to have sex in different places in New York. Just stick it in. Oh, fuck. And you get points. Yeah. So a couple went into St. Patrick's Cathedral. Is that the name of it? Oh, man. St. Patrick's Cathedral? Where you guys worship. In a confessional. You're false gods. You guys. Ethnocentric religion. Do not do that. Coming from a very ethnocentric religion. Do not do that. Yeah, they. Worship your own history. It's really weird.
Yeah, you guys do just worship your own history, isn't that? Who's that? The Jews. What about us? You guys worship your own history. That's the whole point of you. We're not solving and curing diseases and helping modern technology to move along in society and making it so you fucking idiots don't. Now name the bad things you guys do, too. Now name the bad things you do, also, because you're saying the good things. Let's sit here and think. You're saying the good things. Let's sit here and go, why don't we have polio? I'll tell you why. Because of Jews.
Okay, why do we have cell phones? Because they're Jews. True. Do you use cell phones? They do all the technology. Listen to me, you fucking... Here's the thing. He loves this. Listen to me. More Nobel Prize winners than anybody. Oh, yeah, that was my next one. For science. I know you. For science. I don't want to get into it. Jewish people are very intelligent. It's hard to argue with common folk. Almost.
Too sadly. You know, we run the country, but there's 3% of us. Yeah. What does that say? What does that say for the other 90s? That was my next point, actually. What does that say for the other 97%? True. We do need to kill the 1%. Well, that's the 1%. That's not us. You can look up to 10 richest people in the world and not choose.
They probably keep themselves off the list. They wrote the list. They wrote the list. They wrote the list. Obviously. Okay. See, you know what? You guys love lists. I'm a fan of Jewish. Welcome to the Midwest podcast. I'm a fan of Jewish, he says. I love Jewish people. Yeah, I love it, man. No, you don't. I really do. I like Jewish people. Why would I not like Jewish people? Well, not Hasidics. It's fun. True. It's fun. For real. Who likes those guys? Not even Jews. Yeah.
No, I don't. Yeah, I can't think of anything. The thing is, we get blind. But what's the religion? I never understood the religion. I'm going to tell you something real quick. What the Jews need for real is like a Malcolm X for Jews.
that's that aggressive. If I was intelligent enough and well-spoken, you know what I mean? If Jay has for my diploma, then I'm fucked. Isn't that the ADL? Isn't that like the mouthwash? Anti-deformationally? Oh, yeah, they're real. They take an ad out in the Hollywood Reporter. Stop anti-Semitism. Yeah, that ought to do it. Yeah, because those kids that are burning down synagogues are reading the fucking Hollywood Reporter.
Oh, they said stop anti-Semitism. Oh, give him back his yarmulke. You know. That is funny they put it there. In that magazine. It's going just straight to other Jewish. The only Jewish people are reading that. It's so. Like, oh, what movie are we making next? Yeah.
Another Marvel movie. Great. Well, the banks are financing those movies. And who runs the banks? The Wasp. No, the Wasp. Yeah, the Wasp. The Wasp. Not the Jews. The Wasp run. Your people run the banks. We're not Wasps. We're not Wasps. Oh, true, true. Who owns the most property around the world? The Vatican. Catholic Church, baby. Yeah. 144 million acres. Yeah. 144 million. Bill Gates is catching up.
He's getting a lot of farmland, that guy. Not 144 million acres. They don't fuck with Jews because we control the weather. So we'll fucking flood there. We'll flood your stupid acres and give us back our artwork. Anyhow, the Catholic Church has so much power.
Okay, you don't hear rabbis fucking touching kids around the country, do you? Yeah, you do. They've been sucking dicks and giving kids herpes in this city. I was just thinking about that. You didn't know about that? Two guys. Two guys. Two fucking dudes. It's endemic. I heard it's also endemic. Now you sound like a good Catholic, though. What's that? That's a good Catholic response. It's like, dude, two guys. I don't know how powerful the Catholic Church is these days.
It's still rich, but it's lost a lot. Well, there's a lot. People get more, you know, every group has their day in the sun with power. It goes from this person to that person, females to males to gay to black. When do females have the power? Never. Never.
What? You've been hanging around with your wife too much. You don't think females don't have any power. And that's coming from a feminist perspective. True. They deserve more power because right now they certainly don't have power. True.
Well, not in my house. I wouldn't be misogynistic. I would not be misogynistic enough to say the war's over, the fight's done. No, I'm not saying that. You're talking about back in pre-modern societies? You're talking about fictional stories of civilizations that had female leadership? I'm just kidding.
Because they really never did. They never had them. There was always really clearly a genre. Golda Meir, which the movie's coming out soon. What's that? Golda Meir. She was the prime minister of fucking Israel back in the day. She was fucking amazing. She was amazing.
Israel is no bigger than New Jersey, surrounded by enemies. Surrounded by enemies. Just like Jersey. Just like Jersey. Surrounded by enemies. I wonder how they do so well if it's just a small country surrounded by enemies. Well, we help them with the military. Why do we help them with the military? Because Jewish lobbyists? No. No. Okay. Let me... I hate...
Fucking spreading knowledge Amongst people that won't remember it The next day But what I'm going to tell you After the six day war After seven countries Gave back Sinai or the peninsula Gave back land in Egypt Traded And no country gives back land after war If that's the case we would lose Texas You know So it was a trade We gave back land to Egypt Well
What was the trade? What did you guys get? Military help from the United States. They made the treaty. What a deal. What a deal. Yeah. What a deal to give land back? Yeah, to give shitty land in Egypt back. It's not shitty. The Toll Brothers could build so many condos there. It actually, I think, is pretty good land because I think it connects the Gulf to the Mediterranean. I'm doing Israel in January. I've never been there.
Really? Can you go for free? What's that? Can you go for free? It's too late. It's too late. At a certain age, you can. Not with that backwards hat, bro. Backwards hat, yeah. You couldn't sneak in. Thank you, mister. Thank you, mister. Listen, fucking perfect teeth and hair. Let me explain. Every time I look at this fucking dreamboat, I want to fucking smash him. This little dreamboat that's fucking too pretty to be funny. That's too pretty. My curse.
It's my curse, dude. His fucking little slim body and his little... He does have a nice body. An hour in prison, you're done. I can't lie. I'm a pretty boy. It's a badass sleeve, dude. I cannot wait till you lose your hair. Nothing will make me happier than see you in 20 years. You still have hair. Yeah, but it's going in the front. Yeah, you look great. It's not bad, dude.
Yeah. Mine's going fast, bro. It's coming. Mine's going bad. It's crazy. That's... Like, I...
When you find it in the shower or something, you know, and you pick it up and you're going, oh, what's... There's cum stuck to it. Fucking hell. From the night before. Clump in the drain. From the night before. Yeah, my bad. My bad. If I don't do the sheets fast, it's... For real, it's crazy. Whole thing is white sheets. It's just covered in hair. It's pretty depressing. What, you got to go soon? I don't think I'm doing that other one. Why? What time is it? It's 20 after...
Okay, what time? We're at 50? Why don't you get over there? You can make it if you... Oh, you drove. Fuck. Where are you going to go? Actually, that'll be quicker. He's doing... Are we garbage? Yeah, dude. You should do that. Yeah, I'm good. Well, I'm going to try, but... You got a special out.
No, it comes out the 26th. 26th. The 26th. It's one of the gas digital ones? On Viewmaster. Yeah, you'll be able to find it YouTube slash Rich Voss. Go to richvoss.com. Plus, we're starting our podcast up again. My wife hates me. Yes. We're starting that up. That is good. That'll be everywhere. She's very good at talking shit to you. She's funny, man. She is funny. You know how many comics have...
Throughout history, I've stole her style and my style. I mean, listen, we're just icons. Hey, listen, I'm going to go. But where can a guy on his way, if I wanted to stop and get a bag of peanuts, is there a place on the way where a guy could just, you know, after November, December, still buy candy corn anywhere? Do they still sell it?
Or only that month of October you can get it. Shut up. Shut up. Not even water. This is the fucking low budget podcast. I'm done. Get up. What the fuck was that? You look like a dog taking a shit. What was that? It was back crack.
I thought he was vertebrate. His couch is a nightmare. His couch hurts your back so fast. It sounded like four blocks falling on top of each other. You got to get some candy corn in you. You got to get some candy corn to strengthen that back. Well, thank you so much. Thank you, boss. Pleasure. Thank you. Oh, my God. God damn it. So funny.
