Ep 459 - Wett Spesh (feat. Colum Tyrrell)
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Oh, we're going? We're locked. Hot mic'd us? Son of a bitch. Hot mic'd us? Talking about our panaceas? Nasty little fucking... You little fucking gremlin. Isn't that a gremlin laugh? It is a gremlin laugh. He's a jack-o'-lantern, dude. You are. It's almost spooky times. I know. We've reached the spooky time. The spooky cycle. Yeah, it's almost spooky time. We just wait for Halloween over and over. Yeah, I love Halloween, dude. What are you going to go as this year?

Oh, dude, I don't know. We had a couple ideas. What the fuck? I might go as Fetterman and just wear like... Fetterman would be nice. Just my normal outfit. Just wear Odie and Jim shorts. Speaking of, I just saw Fetterman. He was talking. He sounds all right. He does? He's a lot better, yeah. Maybe he saw Jamie Foxx. He's recovering from that. Yeah, true. They bounced Jamie Foxx back. Or...

I don't want to start political talk, but do you think he got cloned? That's a tough one to clone. They might have cloned. Fetterman might be the hardest clone. Yeah, true. It's a tough guy to clone. It's a tough one to recreate. Who's Fetterman? Fetterman's a giant senator from Pennsylvania. He had a stroke, and then he kept putting him on debate stages. Was he all banged up, was he? He literally couldn't talk. The first debate he went on, they were like, all right, opening comments are to you, Mr. Fetterman. He goes, Pennsylvania. Yeah.

good night oh man and he won he beat the other guy the other guy sucks so bad that he won yeah there's a lot of strokes and alzheimer's are all the rage right now yeah the other guy who was the guy who's having a stroke that everyone was like i hope you fucking die i hope you fucking die yeah i gotta get my twitter do you guys mind if i pause right now and go to twitter and say i hope you fucking die mcconnell ha ha ha ha

Yeah. I hope he dies. I hate that politician so much. I'm sick of him. I heard he voted on abortion. I want to kill him. Yeah. Myself. You're allowed to wish death on your political enemies. Yeah. That's a good thing. Pretty humiliating. But if you go on and say, I hope Nancy Pelosi dies, they're like, no.

Yeah, true. Or who's the other lady they all loved? Ruth Bader. She did die and she actually cost them a lot. She cost them abortion. Oh, really? Yeah, she should have retired under Obama. She's like Chuck Liddell. Just wouldn't get out of there. No, no, no. It's not good for anyone. Chuck, don't go in there. It's got to be so hard. Fuck it, I'm fighting Rampage Jackson.

Chuck, don't fight a guy named Rampage Jackson. Chuck, you don't know your name anymore, Chuck. The days are gone. Imagine though, could you give up that seat? They were like, we should have term limits. Like, dude, if I got in there, I would not be able to step down from being like, nay. It's just too powerful. The gentleman from Rhode Island, nay. Nay, absolutely not. If you're going to give that up, I'd be like, no fucking way, over my dead body. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. It's like, they should not be able to insider trade.

Oh, now you're saying it? Before I went on, I said I should change shorts. My penis is nuts right now. I don't care if your penis is out. I don't want my penis out. Why? Mine's securely nestled in my groin. Mine will be nestled nicely. Mine's a baby bird in its mother's nest right now. It is. Just... Nice.

Cully, fresh off the special. How do you feel? It's been very well received. Very nice messages. I watched it today and I thought it was really great. Thanks. I didn't share it yesterday because I think the good move was sharing somebody's special is the next day. True. Everybody shares it at once. True. You got to wait a couple of days and then you give it a nice little while. If you share that, that would be great. I appreciate it. Of course. If someone goes watch it, most importantly...

You big Philly fan base here. I'm going to be at Helium on September 20th. Tickets, plenty available. To the point where I may not actually be there. No, you're going to be there. There's got to be a lot of lazy, late ticket buyers in Philly. I saw a flyer, I walked by it. Did you? It's my neck of the woods. Oh, nice. At least I promoted that. Oh, it was up on the front part? That's cool. Oh, okay. I was so happy when I saw my fat face on there for the first time. Yeah.

I said, Mama, we did it. I said, baby, break out the red panties. Baby, we done it. I called my mom, actually. Did you really? I said, Mom, break out the red panties. I didn't quite understand what that meant. Yeah, break out the floral pattern. Break out the big floral pattern. Break out the giant stained underpants. Yeah.

The shit straight down their pants, mom. What point do you think women just give up their sexy underpants? I don't think it's up to them. I think their vaginas give out. It is. And this mung and shit flies out of it for years. Their vaginas eat them, probably. Their vaginas give out, I guess. They probably claim them. Their vaginas are probably like... All day, their vaginas are just... Although it is a period of rest and recuperation.

Yeah. They don't break those things out all the time. No, but... They might zap them every time. I think they get hit with the bug zap, but yeah. They get zapped. Although, they probably get slammed. When they get... 50-year-olds probably slam as hard as possible. At that point, it's probably nothing but just... It's either like gentle Kenny Loggins lovemaking or...

Especially at that point. You hate your wife's guts. You think you're cracking hard? I think they're all slamming. For a fact, I might have seen amateur home videos. Violence, but short of like a football game. Intense violence for like five seconds. 30 second break. Intense violence. It's a scrum. Yeah, it's a scrum. That's actually how I make it. Yeah.

Oh, I'm going to start fucking drilling. Why are breaks frowned upon? Why do you have to do the whole thing? And why can you spread love? I don't know. I try not to let anybody get in my head. You know what I'm saying? I try not to let any outside forces dictate how I make love. Yeah, dude. You're a natural. This is how I make love. This is unique. Dip in, get out. Start the day. Dip in in the afternoon. Get out at nighttime. Bust. Go to bed. Oh, you're talking about all day. Pretty much edging, yeah. Kind of dipping in. Just a little bit of fucking. Dipping in here and there. See what this feels like. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Popping out. I mean, it's pretty much edging. Sorry, I gotta go. Yeah. Yeah.

It might just be a latent kink of mine. I don't think I've ever stopped fucking for anything. Like, I've never stopped them and like, let me go to the bathroom, come back in. Once I'm in, I was like, that's it. We're in this thing. This is what we're doing. Yeah, it's... I like working myself up to a nice pee. And peeing and going to bed. So I actually have to pee. That's a fun time. I like to pee. I like to get as hard as I can and then pee in the toilet and go to bed.

Have that weird pee where your penis looks weird after you're done peeing? It gets leopard spots. You ever get the leopard spot ticket? Does anybody else have that? No. Is that just me? Your blood rushes out of your penis? You get leopard spots? I'm trying to explain this, but I was hoping somebody else knew what I was talking about. Yes. Gardini? Yes. I don't know. Is there like a... The tip you're talking about? Yeah. What happens? It's a spotty? It's tough to explain, I guess. Like Braille?

No, it's blotchy because all the bloods rushing out. Okay, if that makes any sense I have overanalyzed my dick bowling pin man a bowling pin I also I've experienced that myself dude. I got a Me and Brittany did MDMA obviously sorry about all the I was on the receiving end of that Jesus Christ We started going through our phones never take just text never knew loved them call never yet. Yeah, he's actually really really sweet It was really nice

Dude, I took a piss halfway through and I came back out and we both... I had like furious Adderall, whatever type of penis that looks like. It was crazy looking. It was like purple. My dick was like purple and just like... It's wild. Completely misshapen. Drug penises...

It reaches, especially if you don't take that drug. Yeah. Then you take it. You're like, holy shit. I didn't know my dick could look like this. Molly's all time. You go, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that's not. I don't know. Everybody talks about fucking on this. I hear that all the time. Not even close. No. Yeah. Maybe people are just taking like amphetamines and then just. Dude, by the way, that was miraculous. Yeah. We squashed all of our beef. I can't believe how well that worked. That's amazing. We were beefing, dude.

For years. Yeah. Beefing. And it was like, we sat there for an hour. I was like, yeah, this will be cool. Dude, we get along now. It's weird. We're both like, this is weird. Yeah. It's going to wear off, but that's when it's time to hit the molly again. Yeah. Yeah. Well, dude, it's no one that's in your back pocket. I'm like, dude, we, I was like telling her, I'm like, we can make it two more years and do Molly again and like each other. Yeah. No problem. I mean, dude, we just solved the fucking divorce rate crisis. We got a hotel room at 1030 in the morning, took it.

Yeah, I started getting phone calls at about 11. Yeah, like 11, 15. I started getting a lot of phone calls. And you guys were like, come on, come on, just answer. Answer the phone. Come on, please. I was like, guys, please.

put the phone this is about you guys we'll talk when you're done and then you guys are like all right we're cool now give us a call you guys are still you guys are still high as shit we went to a pta it was really nice though it was very sweet yeah it was dude we went to a pta you guys can make me cry quick dude really all it takes is somebody calling me and saying they love me and i'm like yeah dude we were i love you guys too i was in the fucking no snakes allowed drugstore when you guys called were you really yeah

I got teared up in there. I was trying to buy some citrus coal. That's my plug in the city. Dude, it hit me, and I don't like the on-come of that at all, dude. That shit kicking in. That wave? I was terrified. That's a scary wave. Dude, I shit a hold me like a baby, dude. I was just like, I was sitting there like, all right, when's it going to kick in? When am I going to shed all my defense mechanisms? Oh, you feel it.

Dude, because my brother was like, yeah, you take it and you start like you're like you talk all your defenses drop. And I'm like, did my defenses drop? Yep. Nope. Nope. Nope. All of a sudden I was like, I don't like this. You got to hold me. And she's like, I don't know. I don't tell anyone I have problems. I need to open up more. Oh, fuck. That's what the Haas man did the same thing. Dude, dude, it was like, I want out of this. I don't want to do this anymore.

Oh my God. Shut up, pussy. So this is your first time ever doing money? Never done it before. Oh my God. Never done it. I don't know how you do it out. I'd only have to be indoors. Yeah. Doing it at a party, I would have fell apart. The time we did it at Helium. Yeah, you were on stage. Well, went on stage. That was a disaster. That's hard. It was like the first time I ever really did it. That's crazy. I mean, it was Big Jay got me. He got revenge. After the dosing, the acid dosing. That was Ari. That wasn't even me. True. But-

Yeah, he brought me on stage and he was like, see, it's not that funny. Oh, dude, I'm sorry. But then anytime at Helium, I would go to the manager's office. I couldn't be around the gas digital gremlins. That harsh is even though they're the ones supplying the molly. So I can't be mad. That's what I was curious about. What is the harsh? I was curious how it could be harsh because I was there. Dude, we were sitting in a hotel room.

like coiled around each other. Like we were just like two snakes. Yeah. Completely coiled. And it's being like, I love you so much, dude. Oh my God, dude. I was pure. I went, sir. Galahad instantly. I was like, I love you so much. Girls are the best. I love girls. Yeah.

You guys are so fucking weird, but seriously, you're so cool. Yeah. Dude, it was four hours of just... I do think it is the best thing in the world. It is. For a married couple, you have to do it. Yeah, prosthetic love. Hey, if you're single, get after it. It's not prosthetic. It's not prosthetic. Chemical love. Dude, that's what everyone thinks, but you're dropping defense mechanisms that are also distorting reality. But it is also...

sending a bunch of whatever the chemical is for sure but it does it dude i i don't yeah you get to speak totally honestly yeah and just hearing somebody tell you how much they love you makes you you're like oh damn i love you dude but i'm telling you for a marriage specifically yeah it's bizarre yeah because you just squash all these weird beefs you don't know you have and all of a sudden you're like

You're alright. Yeah. It's nice. We did Molly the whole time growing up in Ireland. Everyone's on Molly in Ireland. That's why they're always after you guys' lucky charms. Yeah. Yeah, that's why everyone's like, yeah, I take it. And I'm like, dude, I had a profound effect on me. Although I'm sensitive to stuff, so I think everything does. No, it does have a really profound... If you take it, it depends. I think it depends which kind you take. Obviously. Some people take amphetamine-laced or whatever. Ecstasy has all types of shit in it. But like...

Just straight Molly is, yeah. It was crazy. Every time I've ever done it, I've been like, that was the best thing I've ever done in my life. And there's not really a hangover. Everybody talks about this terrible hangover. Oh, I get come down. I get bad. Really? I think it's probably, like you said, from amphetamines, like the come downs. Oh, yeah. I was just gassed for like a day and a half. I was just kind of like, just a little gassed out and then being like, do we really like each other now?

Turns out we do. We're a week into liking each other. One week into liking each other is pretty good. That's better than most. But all these things, every time I do shrooms and I have this new profound thing, it's like one week of being back in reality. I'm like, fuck this, fuck everyone, I need more stuff. Yeah, immediately. That's the trick. The mushrooms are the worst because you're like, I figured out my entire life. And then you're all of a sudden... A month later, you're like, I'll try cocaine again. What the fuck? And we're having fun.

Sure.

Coke's the worst. I've never woken up the next day and been like, that was a great idea, getting that Coke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never. Yeah. Stuffed fucking nose the next day. Yeah. Just up all night shouting at the mirror or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. I did that recently. Someone gave me Coke in Houston recently and I did a bump. I love how it's always someone gave me Coke. Yeah. Because I rang him and I gave him $100. That was also part of it. This guy, he fucking gave it to me. He's a drug dealer.

I mean, it does happen. It is always at a show. We're done with the show. You're drunk. You just got off stage. You're like, damn, I'm the man. This night's never going to end. This is the best night of my life again. Let me wake up a little. Yeah, let's get a little pep in our step. Yeah, but then I went back to the hotel room. I'm on my own. And then I was trying to sleep, but there's a bag of coke. I was like, I'll just do a bump or something before I go to bed. And then it's like...

It's 9am and I'm finished the bag and I'm like ringing Sam Talley to tell him how good his book is. Then I wake up at 6pm that day and go, what the fuck was that? You were doing a nightcap. Yeah, but it's like, I kept doing a line of coke and then I'd go to bed and then I'd go, maybe

I'll just do one more and then I turn the light off and I'd close you up and go every time well I gotta do half the bag you gotta you gotta do all the bags that's what I do with junk food is like let me eat all of it right now and then I won't have it and I'll be good yeah and I thought I really tasted the devil that night though because I was talking to myself going just stop go to bed I said that to me and I was like all right and then I was like yeah stupid let's just do one more come

More line. That was like the closest I think I've ever felt to like a proper addiction addiction. That one night and I was like, that's nuts. It's bad. Yeah. That's the stuff. So much fun. It's so fun while you're doing it. You're like, this is great. By yourself is rough, dude. That's weird. Yeah. Yeah, that's a little weird. Oh yeah, leopard dick. No, that's normal. I'm going to show you. Come on, one time, internet. I've never had this. I have.

I've fucked girls without a condom and then panicked myself into thinking, like, you know, when you're over analyzing your dick, you go, is that normal? Is that new? I had an ingrown hair that I, like, called a doctor and demanded he, like, amend his medical schedule to see me. Yeah. And I just, like, came in, showed him my penis. He's like, yeah, that's an ingrown hair, dude. And I was like, thank you, man. You have no idea what word it was. Yeah, as long as it's not AIDS, you just go, oh, God. Yeah, AIDS isn't even a big deal anymore. No, not anymore, no. I think there's no real...

Herpes isn't a big deal. No one cares about herpes. They're all kind of fine fellas, I think. HIV is just kind of like a... It's not ideal, obviously. No. But you can get it down to the point where you won't even spread it to people.

If you're at a zero, but it's also a tough pitch, you'd be like, trust me. Yeah. You won't even get it. Yeah, it's a bad one. HIV is a tough one still. But then you get to date all the other people with HIV. True. It does help you. It's like an arranged marriage. Somebody's going to have to marry you now. Yeah. You're going to find your sweet AIDS queen. Yeah, colds must hit you, though. If you skip your medicine every now and then, you get hit with a cold, and you're like, ugh. Tell everyone I love them.

I got pneumonia. They all die from pneumonia, right? Yeah. Yeah. AIDS guys. AIDS gals. AIDS guys and gals. AIDS guys and gals. It is a tight club, though. Yeah. Yeah. Dallas. Dallas Bios Club. Yeah. All right. You can make the motion. I gotta ask. You were fucking drenched during that special. Oh, yeah. Oh, it was crazy. That's so funny. It was crazy. I should have wore shorts. I'm...

Look, are you... Was that the night you had the bag? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the next day. That was withdrawal syndrome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a week later. I mean, a fully... Come on, Kali. But it was every single special. There was literally a part of it where there was like dropping. Oh, I saw it. It was so funny. Oh, my God. And then it was also which kind of whatever... The transformation is so good. But I'm getting too much into it too, but like there was like one of them I was sweating so bad, but my hair, whatever way I rubbed my head, my hair went down like a Hitler. Oh. So then... But then we... And it was...

It was a bad... No one stopped the show. Someone should have been like, hey, fix your fucking hair. You look like an idiot. So they were just like, we kind of can't use that. But I was like, but it's better than the other one. You should have proactively drenched the hair in the very beginning. That's what I think, yeah. You should have just poured a beer on your head and been like, I'm crazy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

So for the rest of the special, the reason I'm drenched is because I was having fun. Yeah. Do you see the drip? There's a drip right there. There's a huge drip hanging off my nose. I like it. I think it's like Jordan, dude. You're like Jordan. Yeah. You should be. The fact that I'm not sweaty or I'm kind of ashamed. But everyone was sweaty. Kurt mentioned it. Yeah.

I have a sweat towel in the middle of the fucking special. I mean, how? Like a sweat towel. Could they allow the venue to be a hundred? I don't know. It is funny what it takes. Lewis does a lot of great things and sometimes he misses a lot of things. There's nothing they could do, I guess. It was fucking, I don't know why they decided July.

Like right in New York in July. It's crazy. Who would have thought that the venue wouldn't have working air conditioning? Well, I think it worked. I think it was just one of those bad venues that couldn't get going. Helium would be like that every once in a while. Helium would go through entire summers and be like, our fucking air conditioning broke. We got to fix it next year.

Just would never get fixed. Yeah be 200 degrees every fucking show kind of looking at people in there because they sit there for so long Yeah, it's so in a fucking chair sweating just yeah, it is kind of cool though to get everyone that hot and start doing stand-up There's something about you to worry. Well, why surely the worst I should I'd rather be freezing I should have wore a white shirt and just sweat right true and you see my hairy nipples bursting true. I

My hairy nipples and shit tattoos just coming straight through. Well, I'm trying to make a point. Nothing but barbed wire coming through. Yeah, barbed wire everywhere. It is nice how much it takes a white comic to sweat to use a towel. A black comic would have dabbed himself long ago. You got used to it. You made a long time into your special before dabbing. I would have been dabbing. You should have kept it on your shoulder.

I should have actually. Yeah, I stuck it in my back pocket like a bartender. That's nice. Nice. Well, yeah. I should have... I don't know. It was hot, so... There's nothing you could do. And then I was like, would I wear shorts? And then I was like, I'm not... I just think that's crazy. Also, did you notice you were sweating? Yeah, of course. I mean, of course you could feel it, but I'm saying like... Yeah, the whole time. Oh, did you know how bad it was? Sometimes...

I knew it was going to be that bad. I didn't know it was that bad. And then I wore that shirt, which was pretty heavy too, which I probably shouldn't have done that. The shirt was drenched. The shirt was like... That was like a weighted blanket, nothing. Sometimes you're pale enough. You're pale enough that you can't really see it until you would like turn. Yeah. And then the light would show how it's drenched.

In the thumbnail, there's a line going right down my face. I was like, of all the pictures, you get to see this huge sweat on my trip. It's awesome, dude. It's gator-ish. The sauna special. Yeah, all the sweat and buckets. Yeah, Kurt opens with, he's like, I'm glad we set the tent. I'd like it to be a fucking bayou in here.

Kurt's special is great. Check out Kurt's special at Oak Slope. All the specials have been awesome. Yeah, it was a cool idea to get everyone on there during half an hour. Yeah, it's tight. That's what it's all about. Lewis is great.

Gomez is the best. Gomez is the man. So funny. Every single thing. When's Gomez? Did he release his yet? Yeah. Yeah. Nice. I don't think, I love Lewis like nearly more than anyone else in the world. He's so funny. I opened for him one time and we got into a street race with the kids.

We, like, pulled up at Red Lie. These kids pull up and Lewis decides to rev in his engine out of him. And then they went... And then we went into, like, some, like, residential estate. And he had to pull over. I was like, I'm probably getting in trouble. And then I brought it up to him. He was like, oh, yeah, that did happen. I was like...

He has like 20 things like that a day happen to him, which is like a highlight of my year. Remember the time we got in the street race? He's like, no. That was like the top move when you first get your license to fucking pull up at the red light and go... And just find someone to race you. Fucking tight. But then, you know...

After you're like 17, you're like, I'm not doing this anymore. Yeah, Luscious is like an impulsive 16-year-old kid. It is his strength, though. Yeah. Yeah, it's so... To be that Spencer's gift shop, that long. Dude, he's full Spencer's gift shop. The first time I ever saw...

The first time I ever saw Lewis, he crashed a drone into a car outside the creek course. I swear to God, like his first interaction with him, and he goes, like he just laughs. Oh, fuck. Fuck. He's just always like that. Everything he ever does is just wild. Yeah. He's the man.

Yeah, it really is. The motherfucking rules. So check out Lewis's. What else is going on besides the comedy special? Me? Yeah. What's going on in the personal life? What's going on in your deep personal life? My girl wants to get married in Ireland now. Really? I haven't proposed yet, but you know, I was just over there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. How was that? What a shithole country.

No. No, I'm kidding. No, it was awesome. It was awesome. Dublin's awesome. Because you did that late show. I went to Alaska at that late show. Vicar Street was amazing. What a club, right? Or what a room. That's my dream place. That place was perfect. Yeah, that's the place that all the comedians play. That's the homecoming. Yeah, and that's my, I don't know why you call it, but that's the goal. You should go do it. Yeah, but not that I'm selling any tickets. You could sell a thousand tickets in Dublin. You think so? I do. Maybe. Maybe not. The special's out.

yeah check it out but you did a late show which is unheard of when they add shows they usually just add second like the next day in Ireland it's very rare it's more of an American thing to have two shows in the same day and when and I because Tim Dillon did his the late show he said it was he couldn't there was a fight broke out immediately someone Tim Dillon came out to a late show first person says something like

"Fuck Catholics" someone said in the front row and then the whole crowd was like "Boo!" and started throwing balls at them or something. Classic. Classic Ireland. Dude, no one would remember this sex show. Well they wasted, right? They were hammered but it wasn't anything too bad. No, because Irish crowds are funny. They're smart. Even while they're hammered and yelling shit, it's still kind of funny. For some reason it made me a lot less angry than an American crowd.

Because when they heckled it was like entertaining. Because every fucking late show I do, the crowd's hammered. Fool! Like throwing up. People puking everywhere. People throw up every single show. I was there the next night after someone, where were you when someone puked up? Fort Worth, Texas? No, that was Fort Wayne, Indiana. That was an iconic bad show. That's cool. That's your Beatlemania though. It's 35 year old dudes. You're like, ugh.

For real. They fucking puke. Oh, shit. The theater. Where was I this week? Detroit. People threw up. Wow. They were like, this is good. The people that are on the venue were like, it's really great to have you. But there were so many people threw up. Dudes puking every show.

Then I get, they always tag me before the show. It's like 10 a.m. They're like, pre-gaming, can't wait to fucking see you. And you go, he's gonna be a pro. Oh, dude, that guy's never gonna make the show. These shows sell out months in advance. And then I get there, there's like 500 empty seats from dudes that didn't make the show. What was the polo shirt everyone wore? It's funny, the guy getting up early, putting on the Shane Gillis polo, fucking all day long. Tonight's gonna be sick. Tonight's gonna be awesome, dude. Boom.

Comedy clubs was way worse than theaters because theaters I can't see. Yeah, true. And there's not like a rush of like waitresses and staff. But the old – when I was doing clubs, it would be throw up into your glass. That was a consistent – That's a gentleman though. That's kind of – It was like – Is it the rewind on the night? It was a natural –

It was a natural thing that people just instinctively were doing. Like, no one was communicating. Don't want to miss the show. This is just a common thing where dudes will just throw up right back into their pint glass. It's instinctive. And they did it at, like, back-to-back shows. I remember it. I was like, this is crazy. Why are they doing this now? No one even rushes to go to the bathroom. They just sit at their table. Straight onto the fucking floor. And immediately...

That's great. The lady in New Jersey was my favorite because she threw up and I was the only one that could see her throwing up because she was doing it. She was in the front row and she was doing it very quietly, but she was drinking red wine. So I just, she was just going, just a fountain of red puke. And you're just in the middle of it. I just had to stop the show going, she's throwing up right now. Oh.

Fort Wayne, a guy threw up straight onto the floor. It was so loud. It was so loud. He was like, oh, God.

It's like morning sickness. It's a funny scene. Throwing up is hilarious. Throwing up and ruining an entire show. It's all time now. Good? Let's get this burp out. I should get up. I should go to the bathroom. Fuck it. You're in the middle of a bitch's...

Poor Wayne, I ended the show. I was like 25 minutes into a set and I was just like, this thing's done, right? Everybody, we're done. Yeah, they were messed up. There's a Civil War guy in the front. Half the crowd looked like they were from the Civil War. Like just beards, just pieces of shit dudes from Indiana. The guy in the front was so blacked out, he had his head down the whole time and occasionally he would just be like, ah. I was like, all right, man. Waitress was doing the fart noise. That was that same show.

Waitress, literally while Tommy was on stage, a lady went real loud. I thought it was a fart noise. I thought somebody actually farted at me, and I was like, damn, that's hilarious. And it was a waitress walking by me. I was like, I did that. A waitress literally heckled a comedian. Oh, my God. And then she bragged about it. And then she told me, and the whole staff loved it. They were laughing. She was helping the show. And then I got on stage. As soon as I got on stage, I heard the fart noise again. I was like, was that the waitress?

And they were like, the owner's leaning against the wall. Yeah. I was like, dude, what are you guys doing? Lady in the back just kept going, show us your tits. Dude Trump, show us your tits. I was like, guys, look, this show is not going to be good. We're 30 minutes in. This is it. Guy threw up. They were like, should we clean it? I was like, yeah, you should.

Yeah, you should be able to charge them like an Uber driver. Oh, yeah. By the way, if someone throws up during your set, they should pay you $250. There's no repercussions. You can go into a venue and puke on the ground. Dude, you know the driver only gets like, I think, $100 of that $250 from Uber?

I found out. Dude, I... Is it an Uber fee? Uber takes like half of the puke fee. So if you're a driver, you only get like a hundred bucks. That's crazy. Dude, I set my... I thought it'd be funny to set my chat preferences. I do Uber Comfort and I set it to happy to chat just to see if dude... Happy to chat. The drivers see it, you watch them click it and go...

Hey, man. And they start a conversation. It's the funniest fucking thing. It's so fun. That's nice. You get like Mexican guys are like, oh, sup, man. I never think I was cool, man. Yeah, man. It's cool, man. They have to talk to you. And it's so fucking funny. That's actually sick. Now I'm thinking. Dude, happy to chat is the move. I just I just get fucked up when I get the wrong.

When you miss, you don't know what his politics are. You get a quick judge. You're like, all right, this guy's obviously against the Vax. Dude, I whiffed on it. Hit him with it. He's just like, what? Yep. All right, never mind. I whiffed on it hard. I whiffed on it recently when I was like, the guy was talking about, oh, I was getting picked up my car. I got, you know, new shoes on the CRV, dude. Pretty tight. Sick. I got a new, you know, I put some new boots on that thing. Throw some D's on it. Do some Goodyears on there. Yeah.

I was talking to the guy who's running the lot and he was like, the cars were locked up in this like chain linked compound looking thing. And I was just like, yeah, it sucks, man. I was like, yeah, we'll fucking we're like agreeing on everything. I was like, yeah, we'll fucking COVID. Everyone covered their face for two years. The guy holding a mask. I was like, he was like, yeah, well, you know, yeah, I guess so. I got it. Yeah. And I was like, shit, my bad. That was I ran into that in Texas. The like the first show I did back was a hyenas and it was packed.

And I was even like, God damn, this is a lot of people in one room. Yeah, I remember that, dude. It was fucking like... They were like, we're at a quarter... Yeah. There's a lot of people in there. And then I went out to the bar...

And this jacked, bald bartender from Texas. I was like, this guy's got to be against it. I was like, fucking everybody's afraid of COVID. I'm not afraid of COVID. This shit's for pussies. He's like, I was in the hospital for three months. My bad, bro. I was like, who's getting sick? Fucking old people and pussies, right? He's like, I was on a ventilator. My bad, dude. It's also funny not to keep that to himself. Actually, I was. I guess I'm a pussy.

You call me a pussy? Yeah, I guess. I like this new stuff. New COVID's good. I'm still sick. What's going on? I've had COVID for three weeks. There's new COVID, dude. You got COVID now? Yeah, new COVID. Is it? Yeah. We should just mask kids. I can't. I already... I got COVID two years ago. Yeah. I got COVID two years ago. It's coming back for everyone. No, you can't get it twice, can you? Well, yeah, maybe... Yes, you can. Oh. But I might not have COVID. Did you get vaxxed? I might just have a cold. Yeah, I got one. I got one of them. Maybe two. I got vaxxed. Yeah, they got me once, too. Did you? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I feel it's a regret, but whatever. I just went with the crowd. I just thought, you know, my girl was going down. Yeah, I went down. Yeah, my girl was going down. I was like, I might as well head down with you. Yeah. Got it. And then I never cared really. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't. I wasn't staunchly against it when I got it.

I was just kind of like... I just don't feel like walking to Walgreens. You never got the set. You never got the set. That's kind of a long walk. I walk past it every day. Yeah. No. I'm pure blood. Yeah? You still got the good one? Damn it. I'm not going to be so mad when I can't have kids. I can't pass on the... I heard women are... Someone was telling me women have been getting their periods twice a month now. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's tough stuff. Hell. What hell is this? What has Big Pharma done? Dude, that's truly unleashed the mark of the beast. That is. Oh, my God. No, that's...

Big tampon was a fault in that. That's terrible. I might rise up. If that shit hits my house, I'm rising up. You have to. I might hit the cap, dude. That hits your house. I might hit the cap. If that shit, if I get hit twice a month, I hate to say this because it was a serious matter for our country, I'm hitting the cap. Yeah. It was a serious matter. We don't joke about it. Don't fuck around. But that's how serious I think it is in my house. We would hit the cap. Dude, if my capital gets stormed every time fucking, every time the P comes through,

I'm getting two periods a month. That's my January 6th every month. That's January 6th. She Q'd on Shama's me every single time, dude. She started fucking up my furniture. She was bothering you. Carrying shit out of the house for some reason. Carrying shit in. True. I found this at HomeGoods. It's like, what is it? It's a rusted bucket. We're going to put it on top of the fireplace. It's a bowl of old fucking marbles. You're like, sweet. I'm going to order marbles off Amazon now.

Isn't it nice? Yeah. It sucks. They love cute crap. Yeah, there was a flea market near our house. We drove by it and I was like, dude, one day I'm going to get like a 30-yard dumpster and buy everything in the flea market and throw it out. Just put it straight in the dumpster. In front of everybody. I'll pay for all the stuff. Then just take a team of guys and put it in the trash and drive it away. I think about that pretty consistently with guys selling art. To just spend a lot of money to buy the piece of art and just in front of them.

Just punch right through the frame. Just start stomping on it. Then be like, all right, I'll have another one. I guess, yeah. They don't have that much integrity. They don't care. Do whatever you want with it, I guess. It has to hurt. It has to be just...

The meanest thing. If you're trying to buy... Oh, this great piece of work? I'm so happy. I got a sale. Buy the whole table, big bro. I'm buying your whole collection. And he's like, all right, cool. Are you rocking the sheets too? Are we all rocking them? I don't know what these are. These are last resort. That's a shamrock. Yeah, my father-in-law got them. That might be calm. My father-in-law got me these for some reason because they're...

Wait, so you are married? Are you engaged? Well, no, I'm not engaged, but close enough. We've been together for fucking six years, so it's good. Yeah, yeah, true. Is she your father-in-law? Yeah, but we will do eventually. It'd be tight. She's gonna leave. Like, it's gotten to the point where she will leave now unless I actually do it, so it's like...

But you do, you know, you always drag your feet with Everton, right? Just the last second. Yeah. But the idea of getting, I don't know if I have the mental capacity to like get married. Like it's like, why? Just because it's like, what about these flowers? And then the complaints and I'm like, none of this matters. You know, dealing with that shit. Matt's done it. Yeah. What do you do? You gotta do it. You just do it, I think. Well, they say a man without a woman becomes a pig and a woman without a man becomes a lunatic. So you have to fucking plan the world. Yeah.

You know, pigs are the cleanest, smartest animals. True. True.

And they are very intelligent. They're having fun. Pigs and slop. They're having a good time. Yeah, you just have to let her do her stuff. For the most part. It's a fine line because you have to let her do her stuff and certain other stuff you have to be like, you can't do this at all. It's just that feeling. Remember when you were a kid and your mother would drag you shopping or something and she'd bring you some candle oil or something and you'd be like, please. I used to be crying. You can also not go though. That's the thing.

I guess I guess I could be an absent husband yeah you can get out of it eventually yeah but you gotta be really yeah you gotta be god damn it with these horns fucking man New York don't know how to be quiet yeah

You got to open up the lines of communication and say, I don't. I went to the fucking Jets game. It took four and a half hours to drive from here to fucking. Yeah. MetLife Stadium sucks cock, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Is that. Did you see the game where. I did. He injured. Aaron Rodgers immediately got. Full of fucking plays. I walked in. While we were walking to our seats, stopped at the TV to watch him hand the ball off for the first time. I was like, damn, that was his first snap. Got to our seats. First play we got in our seats. He got his career ending injury. I.

We'll never see him again, will we? He was the saddest. I mean, who knows? He's going to have to coach, basically. He's going to have to teach that. He's already taught that young guy a lot. Zach Wilson. He already taught him a lot. What do you think of the Jets this year? Dude, I think they're going to go double-digit wins this year.

That's a good guess. You like that, Lemusie? We were listening to Cameron and Mace's podcast. Which one? Cameron and Mace's podcast. That's the funniest podcast. It's my favorite, dude. Yeah. It's easily my favorite podcast. I like how sometimes we take criticisms for saying gay too much. Dude. People are like, that's not funny. Watch Cameron and Mace. Watch the true masters. Dude, it's unbelievable.

It's all they do is say Paul's. Paul's. Paul's. Paul's. When they talk about Dwayne Wade. It's funny every single time. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Was that Dwayne? Who was the guy who got busted for sending nasty messages? That wasn't Dwayne Wade. It was Dwight Howard was getting nasty. Dwight Howard has some accusations. Yeah, he was getting nasty. Some Paul's accusations. But the text thread came out where he was like, I'm not gay. I'm just a little nasty. Yeah. Paul, that's what he said? Yeah. Yeah.

That sucks when that gets out. Allegedly. I mean, dude, if he can stick to it and be like, I told you I was just a little nasty, everyone would be like, all right.

That's what Cam was basically saying. Like, Joe, Paul's just like, Paul's just like, dude, you'd be like, Paul's bro, I don't even care. It's funny every time. They laugh. They didn't even say anything. They put out a clip talking about it where they laughed for two minutes. They didn't even talk. They went, yo, man, your boy. That's how my boy is. You're a boy, bro. That's it. And it's just 80,000 views on YouTube. Yeah. Of them just going. I mean, what's funnier than that?

what's funnier than grown men laughing about another grown man being gay that's so funny also but they were kept being the fucking uh fucking eggplant emojis because they made the girl read it and she was like i'm not gay i'm just a little nasty let me see that eggplant emoji crying laughing emoji dude it's so fucking and they'd be like oh shit yo i got gay family members but

Paul. Paul. Dude, for real, Paul. I do do you. Yeah. I do like that take, though. It's like, yo, I don't even care what you do, but just be honest, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need to know what's up with you. Yeah. Yeah.

They said that about Rodgers' closet. That's a rumor. Rodgers? Yeah. Aaron Rodgers? That's bullshit. No, because the ex. Well, first of all, Brett Favre started it, I think, when he was a rookie. Oh, really? Or something like that. Well, Brett Favre's a beast, so obviously he's going to call his back up. He's going to call his competition gay. Yeah. But then. Like a true beast. Master. He's the best. We were just talking about it, weren't we?

Yep. He was like the first dick pic guy, right? He was like addicted to pain pills. Oh, was he? Yeah. Yeah, and he was playing games and people were like, God damn, this guy's taking risks. He's a gunslinger. No, he was just on pills. He was at his head. Just fucking Uncle Rico dropping back.

God damn he's a genius He got busted for the dick pic He was way ahead of the curve He was one of the first people to ever send a dick pic He was up there The baby he sent it to was hot though Forget her name She was pretty wonderful

And now everyone's turned on him because he stole all that COVID money or something. He stole COVID money? I don't know. He scammed his daughter's volleyball team or something? No, he got Southern Miss. He scammed the state of Mississippi to get Southern Miss Volleyball a nice fucking volleyball facility. Oh, that's a good point.

Sick move. Oh, that's what he spent it on? Yeah. Oh, I thought it was just... Oh, he still spent it on the... I mean, technically, it's a state university. He did spend the money. He's now a donor of girls volleyball? Obviously, dude. He's a beast. Yeah, he's a legend. What? He's the man. Dude, he just sits up in the box and is like, nice. Obviously. It's the sickest job possible.

Yeah, that's the move. You got to make your girls play college volleyball so you can meet their friends. It's a slumber party. What the fuck? It's true. I'm going to have a couple drinks. I'm going to go down to the slumber party. I'm going to say, girls, what are you doing down here? You guys want to wrestle? Who's wrestling? They just get through here like, whoop. What the fuck, Mr. Favre? Mr. Favre, you sent us a picture of your crooked penis. By the way, it's your penis. Shouldn't you be able to send it to whoever you want?

That is an argument. It's your penis. Where's all the body positivity now, dude? You're revenge-porning yourself. What's wrong with my fucking... Why can't I send you my penis, dude? If you don't like it, obviously, you don't have to look at it.

decline it but it's my penis my phone some people do make make out seeing a penis they act like it's the worst thing they blow it out proportion it's not the man dude i'm looking at his dick right now oh yeah it's curly right all right there you go he said a flaccid dick i think so what a fucking beast what a legend damn he said he said her a perk dick

Oh, I sent another one. It was a little harder in the second one. Oh, God. A little harder to look at. Really? Yeah, flaccid penis you can look at. That's cool. Oh, yeah, yeah. You get a slight erection that's hard to look at.

You were doing the classic fucking push the bass down as hard as you can. Obviously, dude. It's crazy that even a fucking Hall of Famer has to do it. It doesn't matter who you are. You're still pushing the bass down like... From the bottom angle? Yeah, the bottom. I want to get my bass completely removed. You could surgically get your bass removed. That's what I'm saying. You get that just totally lipo. Freeze all that disgusting shit out of it. Yeah, ozambic that area and just lipo it.

And it's having my base permanently pooped. And get fatter everywhere else. Dude, fat with a push-down base would be crazy. It's unbelievable.

I mean, yeah. If I had a son, I would train him like Chinese women used to do, like tie their feet together. I'd bind his base. You'd bind your son's cock. Bind his base, dude, so a fucking bride would see it and be like, wow. Wait, why is Aaron Rodgers gay? Oh, yeah, true. Oh, that's just a rumor. Aaron Rodgers is not gay. I think his ex-girlfriend said something, too, about him. Wouldn't he have gotten the vax if he was gay? Yes! Hell yeah.

Exactly. Point. Yep. I rest my mind. That might have been why he didn't get it, though. That's the end of that. Now, was his ex, Olivia Munn, said something on a podcast? When she goes, I dated a footballer who would only ever have sex from behind in the dark. Sounds like a black guy. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a picture of her with his cum on her back, like from 2014. Right. The mother of John Mulaney's child? Oh my God. Where's Dylan Danis when you need him? Since attacking John Mulaney? Yeah. Yo, you're dating a whore. Dude.

I've never sent one of those dick pics though with your faces in it. With your face in it? No. But it does make it look bigger. But I can't ever have that be neat. Just me in the background like this. And my face like, what are you doing? It's like a hunting trick. Yeah. You lay the bear out and you sit behind it and go. Exactly like that. What are you guys looking at? Also, what face do you make? Are you like smiling or trying to be sexy? It's crazy. Yeah, you can't.

I'm biting my lip. You got a smile, and it looks like you're a real weirdo. I like to save it as a surprise. What are you looking at? Aaron Rodgers shooting down the gay gossip. He says, yeah, I'm just going to say I'm not gay. I really, really like women. That's all I can say about that. Straight as hell, dude. I like him. You know how hard it was for him not to be homophobic? He was like, yeah, that's all I'm going to say. Yeah.

He was biting his foot. He just tore his Achilles, dude. He goes, me. I love him. Yeah, yeah, me. Hall of Fame NFL quarterback. Yeah, dude, I'm definitely gay. Sure. Give me your cocks. It's tight. He sat in like a study for four hours and was like, how do I dress this? He's like,

Yeah, I'm just not gay. I love women, therefore I'm not fucking gay. Fits of rage, dude. I really, really love women. By a fire, just like...

Aziz? It's disgusting! No, you can't say that. I'm not going to say this. I hate guys' hairy assholes. I don't want to come anywhere near them. Yeah, that's a tough allegation. Aziz took some pops out of him on his special. He called him a big dumb jock who wouldn't get vaccinated. He was like, guys, don't listen to him. He's just a moron who's involved in sports. He's like, you know all these jocks and stupid. It's tough. I don't think quarterbacks are stupid, though, are they? Smartest guy on the field. They're typically pretty smart. Yeah.

But, yeah, it's tough back then. I'm sure when the special came out, we were in the middle of COVID. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on the right side of history. This is an easy joke. Yeah, everyone did that. Everyone was like, these fucking idiots. The worst of the ones still doing it. Yeah. See a special come out, and they're like...

Oh, sorry, I'm not eating elk meat and taking horse medication like a dumbass. Yeah. He's like, are you sure? The guy's pretty healthy. He just beat the shit out of me the other day. The guy's pretty strong, dude. The guy wailed on me. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, they're pushing for it. I think they're trying to get another nice COVID scare going for the Dems. Yeah, of course. That's good for the Dems, have a nice COVID scare. It's great for the Dems. And then they could potentially be like, we've cured it right before the election. It's also kind of good for the pubs, too. True. The pubs like a good...

Yeah. Then you get to be DeSantis became a hero. True. Although, dude, he's yeah. I watched him in the debate. He's like, of course, dude, he's like a pull string. He's a chud. He's a total pull string. He's a dork. And everyone knows that I stopped that. Yeah.

They're trying to tell you that black kids are better than them. But I don't think so. And it's like, dude. These guys are having fun, dude. Yeah. Cats away. True. Mice are having fun at the debate. True, dude. They get to have a little fun before the cat shows up. Those boys scurry, dude. That's going to be scary when he shows up, dude. He said he didn't. I guess. He's more unhinged. Is there another debate? Dude, he's like quiet. He's more on it. Yeah, he's got a new voice. He's like weird and quiet now. Yeah.

Something happened to him, dude. He's got a new voice, dude. Fuck, dude. Now he's in his whisper mode, which is even scarier. I do like that Vivek is making a lot of fundamental Christians in the South have to research Hinduism. Yeah. And I'm like, what the hell? They got to research the nine-headed elephant gods and stuff. I'm like, what in the hell? Yeah.

I like what he's saying, but what the hell is that stuff? I'll tell you. Who's that blue lady? It's working. Who's that blue lady over there? She's actually kind of pretty. Now they're jacking off to Evita Bobby or whatever he is. Evita Bobby's.

They're doing good with the Vex killing with the with the death. It's if it's reaching Phil the Vex doing good Yeah, man, I'm getting some Phil pull me aside. I mean I tell you who I like that Indian fellas He's got a lot of good points. He's gonna be a president that guy's sharp Yep, he's sharp. It works. Oh, yeah, whatever you saying. It's got Phil I mean, who's that skinny guy with a tie dude? Who's that skinny weird guy with the time? Yeah, he hit that line. It was pretty nice. Oh

Yeah, he'll do something. He'll get elected to something or the other. He's complimenting Trump quite a bit. He might have a good VP spot. That's a good VP. He probably would be. Although he's too much fire and flash. Trump needs a Pence. Trump does need a nice Pence, man. Trump needs a smooth Chia Pet, dude. Pence is fire and brimstone, dude. He is. Did you watch that debate?

Pence. Yeah. Pence was on stage, dude. Recently or the old one? The first, the one they just did. Him and Kamala? Oh, no, I haven't watched the news. No, no, it's the one Vivek, Pence. All the bros. All the bros out. I don't even know. There's a couple guys I've never seen. But, dude, Pence is so funny. He loves the Constitution, dude. Constitution is so funny. Everyone's like, you fucking turned your back on Trump. The crowd's like, oh. And he was like, oh.

I love the Constitution. I made a promise. Like, ew. It's insane. Fuck you. It's crazy, dude. Guys, throwing up. It's my exact crowd. Guys are just like, Vivek. Phil. Phil. Say Phil. Yeah, it's as unhinged. I don't know if I'm just getting older or if it is truly getting more and more unhinged. You watch it and you're just like.

Yeah, Tucker's bringing in a fucking crackhead. Yeah. Sucked Obama's dick. I watched that one. I watched that. Sucked it twice. He sucked it twice. Sucked him twice? Sucked him twice. And he could tell he's done this before. He knew. Dude, you know. Look. And he said he didn't know who he was. As soon as I saw him wearing the double wrist brace, I knew this guy was a valid. Dude. I knew this guy was legit. Why would he lie?

I don't know. The story is legit. He fucking hit up a limo company and was like, I'm trying to party with guys. The limo driver was like, I got just the guy for you. I got the guy for you. He goes, Barack Obama. Barack Hussein Obama. He was just waiting outside the jazz club. That is exactly where Barack Obama would hang out. The cool jazz club in the back of a limo. He had the connection to cocaine.

Yeah. Then he went and bought Coke and then he smoked it. Tucker started calling it crack. The guy was like, no, he smoked Coke. Tucker was like, he smoked crack. And the guy was like, yeah, sure, whatever. Fine, we can say that. We can say he smoked crack. I did love Tucker's face the entire interview. He was very like... Oh, he's so serious.

Dude, at one, did you see when Tuck goes, it's fair to say he left a bad taste in your mouth. Didn't even flinch. And I went, Tuck, you nasty little dog. Did he get a little wink? He goes, safe to say you're left with a bad taste in your mouth. So yesterday I did Schultz's podcast and we were joking that Obama was gay. He might be, though. And one of the guests was, one of the co-hosts was upset about it. Really? And it's funny that you can't.

If you say Obama's gay, people are like, you can't say that. Come on, man. Meanwhile, you can go, Pence is gay. Yeah. Yeah. Literally. That's a funny joke. SNL was doing that joke. Yeah. He was gay with Donald Trump. I heard Obama sucked someone's dick. Everyone's like, oh. The guy was for real pissed off? Yeah. Not pissed off, but he was like, come on. Come on. Don't do that. Yeah.

He might have sucked that guy's dick, too. You're saying something's wrong with being gay? Exactly. That's the same reason I didn't make fun of Pence for being gay. There's nothing to make fun of. Not at all. That's totally acceptable. Dude, that's the thing. That's a 50-50 shot. He might have blew that guy. Whatever. He was fucking stressed out, dude. He was on the campaign trail.

You might have smoked a little coke and blew that guy. You got to unwind. It's a lot of stress. I believe. And they kept it cool the whole time. I believe that guy. It does keep in line with his like aviator cool as can be. Yeah. Suck a guy's dick. Wait, he was cool about it? So cool, dude. He would smoke crack or coke, whatever it was. Didn't even affect him. He just got more zoned out and kind of he was like chill and get real euphoric. Then be like, all right, let me get some head.

So cop head and just be like, all right, I'm out. Yeah, it's a Obama out So he got blown by this gay guy allegedly and then that was it he didn't know he got blown in the limo allegedly give anything back no, I

That's what I'm saying. That's actually a harsh accusation. Then he went and got ice cream with Joe Biden right after. They cum swapped. He was making his legendary playlist, dude. Yeah. It was getting sucked. He was listening to Vampire Weekend, spitting vanilla ice cream into Biden's mouth. Barry, come on. Oh, Barry. Where the hell are we, Barry? When's the last time you think Joe Biden fapped?

Oh, I bet it's either nonstop or it's been a while. Yeah. I bet he's in reptile brain mode. Yeah. Where it's either nonstop and they have to be like, Mr. President, not now. It's just instinctual. Like he just doesn't even know where he is. Yeah. Yeah. He's got when you're old, you must they got a family at least once a month, I'd imagine, or maybe once every couple. I mean, they're all isn't it a lot of STDs in old folks homes and stuff because they're all just. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

They might just be developing organically because their bodies are just disintegrating. Do they find that? Do old people find each other attractive or is it kind of like, look at me fucking myself? I think they do. It's just fuck it. Yeah, you just accept what you get. You go, this is what I got. Yeah. Look. Yeah. Although it must be tight. There are some kind of hot old ladies. Oh, yeah. Joe Biden's an attractive older woman. True. I'd slam her as hard as I could. I'd slam her. She'd get slammed.

I would go as hard as I possibly could for five seconds. That'd be nice. Then I'd go, God damn, I'm out of breath, man. Yeah, the first lady would get it out of you right away. First lady. Oh my God, it's an honor, ma'am. It's an honor, ma'am. Oh, fuck. I'm sorry. This usually doesn't happen. Just for the story. Yeah. You have to swear secrecy. Would you hand job every president ever? Hand job? Would you hand job a president? I think I could, yeah.

I think you'd have to. I think you'd have to. Yeah. It's a good story. Honestly, I'd say no now, but I think face-to-face, I'm buckling to the pressure. Of course. Yeah. I wouldn't do a handjob. I'd be the power of the office, dude. You think he's joking? You go, ha-ha. He's like, I'm serious. I would do mutual masturbation. You would both jack off? Yeah. Jack off in the Oval Office. They've all jacked off in there. Oh, you'd have to.

Who do you think was the first? I mean, I guess George Washington was the first president. George Washington, right away. Yeah, true. Cracked one off. Leave me be. That was before they had the Oval Office. That sucked to jerk off back then because you had to take off like nine pairs of thermal pants. Yeah. And then just a waft of that old fucking dirty penis. Penis. Penis.

Wow, this old thing. That might get you going, though. Maybe you're into that. You smell your fucking disgusting dick and you're like, fuck. Yeah, sometimes disgusting stuff. Goddamn, so dirty. Yeah. Sometimes disgusting stuff does get you going, huh? Yeah, I guess. Do you ever have shit on your dick or something? No. Shit on your dick? Do you ever know? Wait till you get married, you get shit on your dick all the time. Non-stop. Just shit. Shit everywhere in the house. Shit.

They're on a period twice a month. There's shit everywhere, I'm telling you. There's shit.

Yeah, I never got shit on my penis. I've had shit on my dick. Shit on your dick? Yeah. How do you like it? It's disgusting, but in the moment, it kind of gets you going like, this is disgusting. It kind of gets you amped up a bit. Yeah, you get going. And then afterwards, it's just like real like, oh, God. Yeah, I can't believe I had shit on my dick. Even like a butt thumb. I'm like, I walk to the shower like. Yeah, but in the moment, just like. Oh, dude, the moment, there's nothing better than having a butt thumb. Butt thumb. Yeah. Yes. Fucking.

Activate. All five gemstones are in place. Yes. Feels good. Yeah. That little fingerprint. Yeah. A little scan. Yeah. A little security door. Use your face.

You do facial recognition. Open up. Nice. Where we at? So did that end good? Did you do anything in Ireland other than the shows? Went to the shows. We were staying down by kind of outside the city a little.

Closer to the docks. On the south side? Oh, yeah. I'm not sure exactly where, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a newer area. They were just kind of making... Building it up. Just getting it ready. But actually, we were close to the bridge. The Harp fucking bridge. The Hapening? That was nice. Oh, the Harp Bridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to go. I've never been to Dublin. It's a good trip, right? It's probably my favorite city. That's awesome. In Europe. Well, when I get married... Tell you what, it's no fucking Detroit. Yeah.

They were not lying. That's crazy. That place stinks. It's just abandoned. La Mer, your city sucks. Is that where you're from? Yeah. I thought you were from Philly. Everyone there is La Mer. Really? They're all La Mer's. It's the Morps. There's just the Morps everywhere. Damn, so the eight mile was Eminem was just him versus the Morps. I watched that last night. Did you really? I watched it. It is corny.

I was like, dude, oh, 8 miles on, I'm gonna watch this shit. So embarrassing. I was like, I loved this. I realized, yeah, lose yourself is... Lose yourself is kind of corny. It's gay. But the last battle...

Yeah, it hypes you up. So nice, dude. Yeah, it hypes you up. So nice. One for the whites. It's so nice to see the whites get one, dude. Give us one. We can be lyric. Yeah, true. We can show lyricism. Yeah. Lemaire, what do you have to say about Detroit? I was staying in the Motor City Casino.

Hell, dude. Just right in the middle of the city. It was hell. Can you still buy houses there for like $20,000? Certainly. But you have no neighbors around because they're all just being demolished. It's perfect. It's not perfect. Everyone was like, that's a shithole. And I thought they might be lying a little. Yeah. No. They weren't. That is the new number one worst city I've been to.

Some parts of Baltimore are fucking... True, Baltimore's a fucking hellhole. They have nowhere to your drive and it's all nice. Inner Harbor's nice. They have the Inner Harbor. Inner Harbor's nice. I'm sure there's some nice parts in Detroit, right? There has to be everywhere. There's rich people everywhere. There's a lot of hipsters moving in there and buying up cheap houses. Yeah, Greek Town's great. They'll do a good job.

I just didn't go anywhere nice. I was only there for 24 hours. And we were staying. They were like, there's not that many nice hotels. You mind staying in this casino? And of course, I said yes four months ago. And then I get there and I'm like, why the fuck am I staying in a casino? Because you said you wanted to. The food was, there's no food in there. We didn't have a car. We had to eat the vending. It's all touchscreens in there. You can't even order through people.

Everything was broken. Everybody's angry. Really? Everyone's angry. It's all angry black dudes. Really? Yeah. My Aunt Peach, she got so much money in a lawsuit for something, and she spent all her money at that casino. Motor City Casino. Motor City Casino is rough, dude. It's like low ceilings.

it's low ceilings and slot machines dude hoss's metric for a shitty casino is holds up where it's the amount of babies you see in strollers past like 9 p.m ever since he said that to me now i go every time i'm in a casino at nighttime i go wow yeah a lot of strollers true a lot of strollers people hitting the fucking slots with a stroller next to them yeah jesus it's not yeah dude watching people like limp to a slot machine is just a total joy yeah

Some guy just like walk his hip displays you. It's fucking saving private Ryan guys, like picking up his own arm to keep, keep walking to a slot, the lion King slot machine.

It's like a bug zapper. Yeah, those are. They are. Those lights. Just to get something going. Just like I need to just lose all my money in the world to feel something. Yeah, even Naeem was scared. Naeem went to a gas station across the street to get some backwoods. In the Midwest, dude, the gas stations were all the bros hanging. That's where it all goes down. That's where you catch the ops. Yeah, you cannot be lacking at a gas station. No. Yeah.

At all. You have to sprint into the gas station. Sprint straight out, dude. You should have called me. I would have gave him the lay of the land, dude. I know about the Midwest. You know about Detroit? I mean, I know about Chicago, man. It's not too far. Stones throw away. I've been to Chicago, yeah. I've never been where you've been in Chicago. It's chill. It's chill. Ultimately, I'm going to move my family there. Yeah? No. You can move to the South Side? Yeah. No. The South Side, it will get gentrified.

Eventually. But the hipsters are the ones who gentrify everything, by the way. And they do a damn good job, too. Yeah. Meaning they put nice, sweet stuff in there. Yeah. But it's coming. They're going to go do it down there. And it's going to be a tough one. That's going to be... There might be... Then Gary, Indiana is going to get packed.

gary indiana indiana is completely black that was the shittiest place i've driven through really yeah yeah gary really yeah maybe no he's from illinois yeah but dude the south side of chicago is totally black like completely like you go into walmart every employee and customer is black there it's it's weird smoothly

It actually does run like every single small. It runs like every Walmart. Yeah. I couldn't judge the mechanics. I was too busy looking around being like, dude, I can't be the only one. There's no way. I'm the only white dude in this entire Walmart. There's no Cheddar Bob's. Only white dude in the entire Walmart. It was crazy. I watched 8 Mile and I was like, they got this right.

The way the city looks, they nailed it. Yeah, I was in all black Walmart in Chicago. We had to buy Kool-Aid. So I'm in the Kool-Aid aisle. The line was outrageous. I had to get a ticket. I was trying to lay low already. I'm trying to lay low. I'm trying to blend in. She bought Kool-Aid. She's like, we need sugar now. And I was like, they got sugar in this stuff. I saw people turn their heads. And Brittany's like, dude, shut up. And I was like...

Don't ever. I was like, you put sugar in this shit? It's already sugar. You had sugar. I was like, what the fuck? And I just saw heads turn. You should have asked for the outdoorsman gear. You should have said, where's the hunting and fishing section? Yeah, I showed my ass in All Black Walmart. And I was like, wait, you put sugar in this shit? But it's better than Columbus Ave, All Black Walmart? Yeah, I swear to God. I think that place is... Well, Columbus Ave is not All Black Walmart. There's a lot of people going there. True. That place is hell, dude.

No, this was pretty. It was pretty chill. I went to. I couldn't really judge. I think I went with you. To Columbus Avenue. I think that's like the only. That's one of the worst. It's the most insane Walmart I've ever seen. Dude, they're just hand trucks just left on the ground. Whoever was supposed to stack the shelves just stops. Just quit on this bus. It's crazy. It used to be a 24 hour Walmart. They were just like, no, we're not 24. Now they're till like 11 p.m. now. Yeah, that's about right.

Nothing good happens in Walmart after 11 p.m. I bought a video game there at like, I think one in the morning one time. Sick. It's pretty tight. Yeah. I went out to buy whatever, I forget what video, it was when we all lived in that house and I sat there for 20 minutes. I went to another, it might have been COD. Yeah. And I went to another section. I was like, yo, there's nobody in electronics. Like, yeah, they're probably on break. And I was like, it's been 20 minutes. And they're like, yeah, you just got to wait. Yeah.

So it's nighttime Walmart. Very European. Very European. Very European. Very South. Right down South. Yeah, just like the hours are whatever we want. Dude, it was pretty nuts. Yeah, that was... I might go back to All Black Walmart. You got to get down to Detroit. I'll be there. I'll be there soon enough. It's fucking crazy. I'll be in Detroit, I think, actually, pretty soon. Grand Rapids, kind of nice. Is it? There's areas in Grand Rapids that were pretty nice. Yeah. Sounds nice. Yeah.

Detroit. Lived up to the hype. Congratulations. Do you know where every black dude lives? Gary Allen. Michael Jackson. Floyd Mayweather. I could have got that. Give me another one. Where's Charles Barkley? Actually, I know where he lives. He lives outside of Philadelphia. He's from Alabama. I think he lives outside of Philadelphia now. Oh, really? He's got a house out there, yeah. I thought he was a Phoenix man these days. I don't know. Maybe he just has a house out there. I know Chuck likes golf. Maybe he just has sex with guys out in Philadelphia. Ball.

pause dude those are the those are the founders those are the co-founders there's no way shaq and chuck were the first to like constantly on tv be like chuck would say something gay and shaq just give him looks at the camera my friend my friend did electrical work at sir charles's house said he's the fucking chuck's the fucking man he's like dude he was like he was like i was like nervous to go in there he might be the coolest guy

Oh yeah, you fucking met him. Briefly, but he was very nice. Yeah. You met Shaq? I met, no, I've never met Shaq. That's the goal. Shaq's iconic. I had a dog named after him growing up. Oh, fuck. Shaq used to be my guy. Orlando Magic Shaq.

about as cool as it gets yeah shacks the guy everybody thought penny was cool because he was in the black street video i was a shack diesel man yeah penny was cool though dude tom was a shack head from back in the day my brother tom bought the new york sports you're a young man yeah i remember when he got drafted dude 32 orlando of course i had that dude that was the sickest i was so sad when he went to the lakers he had to he had to agree he was growing

He had to. He had to. Go check out Colum Special. Check out Matt Special. Check out all the special boys. Check out the specials. Check out the show, the specials. Goodbye.