Ep 458 - Sparkle and Play (feat. Billy)
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All right, we'll see. This is it. We'll see. No, this is it. We just put out hour 43 of work support, dude. That was work support. Hour 43, work support. Bros talking, having fun.

Yeah, that's it. That's comedy now. I can't think of new jokes. All I can think of is, isn't it funny when the cat's driving a car? Yeah. Isn't it funny? Explaining memes is good. I did explain a YouTube video at the beginning of the special. The one kid did it when we were watching the stand-up. What? Remember when one kid just explained a meme when we were watching Philly's Funniest? Yes. That was fucking crazy. Dude literally just explained a meme for five minutes. Hilarious. That's also the thing that sucks is everybody's making jokes.

There's a meme about every single fucking joke. Yeah. True. Somebody's made a meme. Dude, now they're doing the little kids doing stand-up. Now they're doing a little kid who's doing podcasting, and it makes me never want to do podcasts again. That's got to be nice, actually. That one kid giving financial advice, he's like, you don't want to be trapped in a nine-to-five life. Yeah. It's like, what's this little bro yapping about? Yeah, also...

Yeah, I don't think he's ever... Is he allowed to work? No. I don't think he can even work a 9-to-5. No, he cannot. Look, part-time summer jobs are not the way to go. That's all you can talk about. It's like Baby Gronk. Baby Gronk is going to LSU.

You know about Baby Gronk? Who? Baby Gronk. Was that his son or something? No, it's not his son. It's just some fucking like kind of Hispanic kid whose dad is like making him say shit. Making him pretend to say shit about being good at football. Yeah. Just a large kid. They're calling him Baby Gronk. His dad calls him Baby Gronk. I think he looks like shit, dude. If I was his age, I would have pancaked that fucking kid. You think so? And then I would have rizzed up. I was like 4'10 in fucking third grade.

Oh, he's that little? Oh, he was, yeah. He's pretty big. I think he'd give you the business. That's nice, though, to make your kid go viral early on. Baby Gronk would get pancaked by Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis, Riz, Lizzie, Libby, dude. That's why I know I'm on the wrong path. If I start looking up shit and it's just an Indian automated voice explaining it, I'm like, ah, fuck. God.

The new blackberry keynote is coming out next August you have a very good Indian accent. Oh, oh he fucking doctor who bother in those Whatever happened doctor boobs do they kicked him off fucking uh, the hell was he on anchor? They wouldn't pay him any fucking money Billy follows pop squads

Holy fuck. Guys that bust pedophiles. Oh, say the one? Yes. The one guy's getting platform. He's like slapping pedophiles in the face. Shamundi.

They're taking him off of, what, Instagram? But I think he's on X. I think he's still allowed on X. He's on X. He's on Rumble. And on fucking Rumble. That is a dangerous gig, dude. One of those guys should shoot him. What? If I was a pedophile? Oh, that's a good... Here, there's a new bit I've been working on. What? You guys are going to like this. If I were? No, there were just cops pulled up while we were filming. Just two cops pulled up to the front of the thing. Like, we had to stop. And I was like, well, this is it. Yeah.

Fellas, there's something I got to tell you. I'm addicted to child pornography. I had a feeling one day the authorities were going to get me. Looks like this is it. Take out a gun, be like, all right, you guys have all been pretty cool. You've kind of been a piece of shit. You're coming with me. No, dude, that's the fucking...

That is the move of the mall shooter. What? Remember the dude outside who's obsessed with Danny Phantom and shot up the mall? Yes. Or shot up the grocery store? Yes. Yes, he did the fucking... It's the worst. Yeah. Like, the one chick he took out, it's in the note. What was his name for there? He hated his manager, so he shot all these people in the night crew. He just said he was going to be... But he's like, Victoria, you've done nothing wrong, but you just gotta go. And shot her twice. Yeah.

Yeah, it's the most infuriating documentary on this. Oh, it's crazy. And he he was like a Internet guy. He was a YouTuber. So he was like, yeah, I mean, I was obsessed with Danny Phantom. I thought he was a cartoon. He thought he was going to be reincarnated as a cartoon character. Cartoon ghost girl. He wanted to be a ghost girl. I get it. I get that. I can understand shooting up a grocery store and thinking I'm coming back as a ghost girl.

I am gonna be a cartoon on a show. Well, it's gotta be crazy. Well, it's gotta be- My sweet Jeebo's had a crush on Danny Fan. To be, like, schizophrenic now, you have so much more stuff to draw from. It's gotta seem, like, much more real. Yes. I mean, put on an Oculus. People are paying attention to me. Huh? Imagine being schizophrenic with an Oculus on your head. Yeah, we're just having fucking social media, dude. That's fucking crazy. You say a thing, a guy likes it, and you're like, he knows exactly the message on the secret code I'm putting out. We get DMs from-

Yeah. Some schizophrenic people will hit you up. I believe every one of them. They can DM anybody now. They hit me up and I'm like, fuck, dude. I should go to church. I got hit. A schizophrenic crushed me on Twitter today. They'll get you, man. It was a tweet and it was like,

I'm usually, I hate to say this. I'm never wrong about this. I can tell by the way Shane's breathing. Something tragic is coming soon. He's going to have congestive heart failure soon. I was like, all right, I'm done searching my name today. He's got it. Yeah. It was like, I could tell by his breathing. It's like James Gandolfini. I don't think it's that bad. Everyone's either a psychologist or a health fucking professional.

That's so funny though to wake up in the morning and be like, "He's bipolar manic." Let's see how the fucking reviews are. Let's see what the reviews are for the special. It's like, "I can tell he's gonna have a heart attack." His time on Earth is limited. It's like, "I hate this. I don't want to say this because I love him, but I can tell there's a tragedy coming." I was like, "Far out." That's a good way to start. I'm gonna go get some coffee. That's actually one of the hugest compliments you can get though. What's that? One of the best thing a person can do in your position is to die tragically and become mythic. Yes.

So basically, that's just a nice way. Yeah, it's a nice way of him being like, man, this guy's great. He's a woman. Oh, that's even better. She's even more connected. Oh, they're even more. Yeah, they are more psychic. But that was her. That was like in a wild death neg. She's just trying to fuck you. That is a nice. She's obviously it's a death neg. And I did whack off. It did work. No, I thought about that legend death on the.

On the flight home The day the special came out I was like Plane crash today Would make me Truly immortal What's that? Should've bought a white lighter What do you mean? That's all the fucking Famous rock stars Die with white lighters No I'm gonna get one Really? Yeah

27 Club Lord. Yeah. I don't feel like coming up with a new hour. Just fucking get child porn on your phone and get caught. No, no, no. And kill yourself live on Colorado Pet Patrol. No, what you do is just go out and it's for the rest of your tours you have booked. Just a meet and greet. Just a meet and greet. Dudes do that. I know. It's their final tour. I know. And they come back. I saw that with Tyler with the meet and greet tour. It's already all paid for. Who's the dude from Christmas Vacation? SNL dude.

Chevy Chase. Chevy Chase, he does that. I saw him in AC. I was there for my cousin's mom, or my buddy's mom's birthday. What, he did stand-up? He didn't do stand-up. He just did like a fucking Christmas vacation, like chill out sesh, meet and greet, say hi to his wife. It was very chill. It was packed. Meet and greet's literally the worst part of stand-up.

True. I don't mean that like a shitty way against meeting people. It's just you don't want to meet 3,000 people. It's uncomfortable to meet 500 people in a night. And take a compliment over and over again. Take a compliment over and over. And then an occasional just stray, incredibly mean thing. Yeah, what the hell? Just like, yeah, I liked your first special better. This one you could tell you were trying too hard. Something just fucking insane. Thank you. They're like, dude, thanks for coming to Michigan, you fucking fat piece of shit. Ha ha ha. You're gay. I was in a football camp in eighth grade and did that.

What? I looked at one of the star players on the high school team. I could take you. That's a joke, and I never thought of ever saying anything to anyone again. I'll never approach. You said that to the guy? Just as a joke. I looked him up. He was way bigger than me. I was like, I could take you. I still do that. That's a fun joke. It was a fun joke. That's how I got in the fucking triangle with Rogies. It's fun to do that to people and be like, yo, I'm bad. I didn't even know who the fuck he was. I'm definitely, yeah. I'll tell you what. Rogies...

Rogi's bodyguards did not love my ribbing after the podcast. I was doing it to them, too. I was like, you guys are lucky I don't beat your guys' ass. Oh, they hate fucking around. They did not like it. Yeah, they don't like that kind of stuff. I was like, you understand the joke is that I have no shot? What were they saying? Were they just being like, yeah, all right, man. That's like trying to horse around with a fucking canine, dude.

Yeah, but the one guy, I'm friends with him. I've hung out with him 30 times. You know me, bro. I was like, bro, you guys know me. It's something. Absurd. Are you guys mad at me? I'm absurd and raunchy. Yeah, dude. Now, it could be time to get the plane crash ready. Don't bring out the plane crash.

Puddle jumper. Not as chill. Not as chill? No, I'm saying just chill and reset. Yeah, plane crash is not as chill. No, I'm not going to chill and reset. Car crash. The only way I'm coming over the new hour is like sports car. Obviously. Get a fucking new car that has like a smart car technology and Paul walk out. No, I can't chill. Get that shit Jamie Foxx had and just have like a mystery disease for like six months. That's the goat is Norm Macdonald. Yeah. Nine years of fucking blood cancer. Yeah. Dead silence. Yeah.

That is the way to do it. Because one day everyone gets a text like, yeah, he did fucking cancer. You shouldn't tell anybody you have that. That was a B-strip, dude. The second I'm getting... I tell everybody if I get a cold. True. I told everybody about my stubbed pinky toe. True. There's no way I'm keeping cancer to myself. Did he keep it to himself? Do I have cancer? Strictly? Yeah, Adam Egott said he didn't know. Damn. And Egott was like his bro. And he just was like... Yeah.

That's a tight way to handle it though. Yeah. Just be like, I'm not telling anyone. Yeah. We knew, I don't know, did you work for Brez? Yeah. Yeah, dude. This guy did it with a brain tumor. Just kept it quiet. Yeah, you told me this one. Beasted it out. Yeah, just beast, completely didn't tell anyone, beasted it out. Went for the surgery, died on the table. Yeah. The minute something would inconvenience me, easy for you to say, you don't have fucking brain cancer. I'd be, yeah. Start tearing up. Yeah. I only have a few fucking months left, dude. Shut up. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's a good... As soon as I put, like, the shit in the wrong spot of the dishwasher, it would just be like, okay, well, that's fine. That plates are your concern. I'm dying. Yeah. And you don't care. Storm up the steps. They wouldn't. They'd be like, I'm so sorry. Everybody would be chill. Like, whatever. Yeah, they'd forget about it. They'd be like, you're still here, dude. Yeah. I thought you were dying. Yeah. What's up? Quit your ball, baby. And let's take you back in there and get a fucking... Yeah. Let's get a recount on this. Get a body scan, see what's up. Yeah. But, you know, they don't want you to do that. They want to have this stuff.

Yeah. Women wanted juice. They also love taking care of a sick man. Oh, yeah. True. Watch the Netflix show, dude. It's one of their top things. It is so fucked up. The craziest is when women just poison people like that. Oh, yeah. That's obviously a common thing. It probably might not even be true, but that's what most female serial killers do is just poison, just make people sick and take care of them. Yeah, Munchausen by proxy. Yeah. There was those ladies in the medieval times who used to suck the leper's wounds and stuff.

They're sick. Yeah, they were like the mystic ladies who would just find lepers and suck their sores and just try to suck the juices out of them. Fucking right, dude. That must have been awesome to be a leper. Yeah, dude. See that shit coming. Finally, one day, something awesome comes. Some awesome lady comes. Someone's going to come suck me and lick me. It's a bunch of nuns, young nuns, who just suck your wounds and you'll be like... You're going to talk Instagram holes. That's what I'm deep in is Baldwin. Baldwin.

Baldwin from the Jerusalem from Kingdom of Heaven. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's big in the Sigma community. What? The guy with the mask. Baldwin from Kingdom of Heaven. You'll see him. Medieval dude that wears a face mask. What exactly is a Sigma male?

It's not alpha nor beta. Come on. It's just what I'm saying. Can I have more? It seems like somebody that's mean to women kind of. Is that what it is? I love to lift. I don't talk to women. What's an Omega male? I don't know. I thought there was Omega Sigma. Sigma. I mean, me and Spade were talking about that forever ago on your guys' podcast being Sigma. People took it dead serious. Yeah. Can't joke around, man. People are out there taking it. Dude honestly takes himself to be a Sigma. Obviously, I'm a Sigma. Yeah.

Can't joke around anymore, dude. Nothing's off limits. The joke, I do take back the plane crash joke. I don't want to put that hex on me. No. That's a crap way to go. Plane crash? Yeah. Screaming like a freak to your death? I honestly, I don't think I would ice it. I would just be super pissed. What if you died from a heavy turbulence heart attack? I could easily have that, dude. On the flight back, the guy was like, alright, get ready. We're about to hit some pretty severe turbulence over Memphis.

And I was just white knuckle in the seat in no turbulence. We didn't hit anything. Oh, you guys fucking. I was just like off. They did it on the way back to San Diego. They give you an announcement. You're like, all right, this one. Even this guy sounds a little fucking nervous. I watched the flight attendants like a little kid watches like adults. I'm kind of like.

She looks fine. They're always fine. They're never not. Stone-faced. They're never not. Although, I've been on so many planes with medical emergencies. Yeah, really? That's when you get a little scared. Because of the headphones and you can't hear anything. And then you see like two Stortuses run to the back.

You're like some dude having a fat attack. Yeah. Fat attacks. Geese attacks. Ever since the Vax came out, dude, whatever. It's funny. They're trying to roll the vid back out and everyone's like, dude, we're not doing it. Everybody's getting good. I think nobody should shut up and get COVID time. It's time for us to get COVID. It took Smash Mouth away from me. They took our Smash Mouth.

I don't do that. I saw Shane to fucking sing dead serious on the phone the other day. That's pretty fun, right? It's fucking insanely hard to do. Making your bro sing as hard as he can. Like, dude, it's kind of nice. It's as funny as it gets. It's so fucking hilarious. Will you hit us with one? Give me a song. Anything you want. No, that's the thing. You got to think of one. That's what makes it fun. As dead serious as you can, you can't be fucking... All right, hold on. You can't be fucking around. I've been begging for... I've been waiting for this moment my whole life. I do currently have COVID-19, so I'll hit you first. Give you time to...

Darling, you send me. Ooh, a little Otis. Darling, you send me. Honest, you do. Hear me with that wah-wah. Whoa!

Yeah. That's with COVID-19. That's nice. And I have a minor cold as well. Yeah. Oh, my love. Yeah. My darling, I've hungered for your touch. Ah, you blew it at the end. What? Oh. Fuck, dude. No, that was really, really good. You're a really good singer.

You're actually a really good singer, though. I'm all right. I was holding back a little. Bill, your turn. That was acapella. I'm trying to think of what I sang last time. I forget. I hear the crystal rain. No, you got to sing. Come on, man. That's how I sing. Dude, come on. I'm trying to think of the song. Diaphragm. From the diaphragm. From the diaphragm.

Fucking give me something. Let's give them something to talk about. Talk about love. Come on, dude. You can do it. I'm thinking of a song. Dude, you know a million songs. I know, but on the spot like this, I'm trying to think of a song I want to sing. We just did it. No problem. Yeah, we're just having fun. You sung the song I sang. I can't remember the song I sang to you. That was the song I sang. No, that was the song I sang to you. That's the one Phil always sings. I know. I'm trying to think of the song I sung to you when I was in the parking lot.

I never knew. I never knew that everything was falling through. Are you seriously singing? That's serious. That can't be how you sing. I literally can't sing like that. Sing it louder. Dude, from your diaphragm. Everyone knows I'm over my head. You're grunge with it, though. What? You're grunge with it. You gotta go grunge with it. Dude, you can project louder than that. I'll cry. No way. I'll cry. Dude, build it out. Please, Bill. We need you to sing, dude. Sing an immigrant song.

That's so hard. You're good at it. I'm just literally, I'm warming up. Lamezy F Baby hit us with something nice. Yeah, dude. I know you got a song in your head. Sing for real as good as you can. Sing as well as you can right now. I get so weak in my knees. I can hardly speak. You're speaking, dude. You gotta sing. That's how I sing. Now sing. Come on, man. I know you guys don't sing like that. I get so weak in my knees. I can hardly speak.

I get so weak in my knees. I can't do it. Why? I don't know. That's a tough one. Okay, okay, okay. You guys are entertainers, though. What about Jukebox Hero? Ooh. You can sing that. What? Standing in the rain. He's got one guitar. Bam. There's an app where you can figure out what songs are your songs. Your key. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like EA. Sports. It's in the game. Yeah.

What about... You gotta be able to sing, dude. There's gotta be one song you belt, dude. Black Magic Woman. That's not a lot of songs. That's more fucking get. That's so much songs. Fuckin' the moon. God, she couldn't help me.

What about Chumbawamba? What's Chumbawamba? I get knocked down. What was the gummy bear song he sent me? I'm a gummy bear. I'm a gummy bear. I'm a yummy chummy gummy gummy bear. Did you get the hot dog song from... No. That was a big one from my nieces and nephews. It's like a Disney... It's like all the Disney characters dance. It's like, hot dog!

Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog. That's Mickey Mouse's Clubhouse hot dog. I've been destroying the bar next to me with that shit. Hold on, dude. I need you to sing. Don't try to change the subject. Yeah, they're not getting off the hook for this. It's my idea. Dude, just close your eyes. You're in a room. Did you ever see The Greatest Show? No.

The Greatest Showman? Trevor Showman, yeah. No way I saw that shit, dude. You didn't see that? No, that's for fucking theater kids. No, dude. Well, I'm a theater kid now. I'm a serious actor now. I think my theater kid niece, that's like top five for her. What?

Fucking greatest showman. Greatest showman, dude. The one song will make you cry. What is it? Yeah, I know what it is. I'm a boneless words when it cut me down. Oh, oh, oh. O'Reilly. Auto parts. Come on, dude. No, we need a song. Can you sing Papa Roach?

I used to watch it on the box. I know you can sing it. I don't know the words. Cut my life into pieces. This is my last resort. Suffocation, no breathing. Don't give a fuck if I cover your beating. Would it be wrong and it'd be right? If I took my life tonight... It's gotta be once. Can you do a do-re-mi like a do-re-mi-fa-sol-la-ti-do? I can never sing. Just try to do what he just did. Just do a do-re-mi-fa-sol and pinch your nose. If your nose affects...

If your thing wavers when you pinch your nose, you're not singing from your diaphragm. Perfect diaphragmatic for singing. What do you do? You're a nasal singer. What do you do? Okay. Don't sing. Do it right now. Warm up your vocal cords. No, I need you to sing this. Dude, just one little song. Why don't you try this? One little song.

Dude, you're going to break through. I don't know what to say. Fear is holding you back. Fear or love, dude. Which one do you want? Fear or love, dude. We're choosing love. We're singing. Me and Matt choose love every time. We're like a chorus of angels. Beauty and the Beast. Let me see, F-Baby. Please say the baby. Give us a song, brother. This is bull crap, dude. We sang. I tried to sing. Every time I sing, Shane says that's how you sing it. Because you're holding back, dude. You're going... Bill. Bill. You're like whispering. Bill. Bill.

I love you. One life, two live. I love you, too. That's too legit to quit. We'll let you off the hook. If you want to burst out in song at any point, just jump in, dude. Give me the next character. That's all. Let me see that Tootsie Roll. Evanescence. Evanescence. I don't know the words, though. Get the lyrics. We'll come back. No. We'll come back. We can't let go, dude. He's standing strong. We got to get this. Come on, brother.

We love you. What are like what's like a 70s rock song? You know, what's like a 70s rock so many you're the cat You're the cat. Come on. If I start thinking the words I can't even fucking remember I'm stage fright right now. You guys stage. Okay, that's you guys are stage gods true I mean I wait I'm more of a to take guy Let me see please. I know you're looking at lyrics. Let me get one you guys you ready to sing. Yeah, I

Yeah, you are. Yeah, you are. Hurry up. Now the show's starting to suck. This is my game. Okay. Uh, uh,

Is that the theme song for Earthworm Jim? Oh, I remember. Back against the wall. There goes the floor beneath my feet. Okay, you have to be better than the bell. You got this, dude. You got it. Go.

Just one little ditty. I'm trying to think of something good. There's a lady we met. Lady you know. Come on, you gotta just rip something. What's the problem? We're friends. Old blue eyes. And I did it my way. What has he got? When I was 17, I whacked off. I got caught whacking off. Dude, you're gonna regret it. You're gonna get home tonight and go, God damn it, dude.

The hell? I'll think of something. What about just like a chorus? Like, I can't do it. You're so good, dude. Now you're showing off a little. I'm not showing off. That was my concern. Now you're showing off. That was my concern. That was really good. It was whatever, dude. I got cursed by Matt when we lived together. He was like, you're a good singer. You think you are? I did not need that. You're a good singer, for real. For several months, I was like. I'm telling you, dude.

Game recognizes game. I went, what the hell? Yeah. I got a little Motown in there. Boy's carrying a tune, dude. A little black in you. I'm not saying that, but I am saying that. I watched the Elvis movie. I can't do it. I just stopped watching it. It sucked. I thought it was actually pretty decent. Dude, that was so retarded. Some people like it. I thought it was a nightmare. I thought it was captivating, but I can't... The fucking music they put in it was infuriating. Yeah, I heard... See, I heard people say that, so I was ready for it, and I was like, meh. Yeah. It's not the end of the world, but dude, when I... I was like, yeah, maybe he like...

They just have a sweet life, and I saw when the guy starts to fuck him over, and I had to turn it off. I was like, I can't watch this, man. You started getting pissed? When they get him to go back to that shitty hotel and just start staying in Vegas rather than going out with the bros and going international. I saw that starting to happen. I was like, shut it off. I can't do this to me. I loved Elvis. I was like, I didn't know why people loved Elvis so much. I started watching the movie. I'm like, dude, he's the fucking man. I will say that. I always kind of fucking hated Elvis. My whole life, I was like, Elvis...

Yeah.

Nobody did that either. Yeah, everyone would sit there and just be like yeah sitting strong God damn. Yeah, I started screaming Brittany had a house in New Orleans Are you the one that showed me the fucking James Brown just going after that was fantastic? Yes? Come on fuck those were hate it. Let's go before Matt oh

We're not cutting cheese. We have swamp ass in our family. Swamp ass? We fart. It's always humid as hell.

What do you mean? Oh, humid. Yeah, we have like wet. We just walked. It was 100 degrees. Now we're on a leather couch. We've definitely got swamp ass. Maybe it is the weather. Across the board, swamp ass. I feel like my farts are so wet on this podcast. You do. Yours are more Arizona farts. They're like. Yeah, I do. Yeah. I like a tight grip. Tight grip. I better have a tight whistle. You know what I'm saying? Come on, man. No one's getting in there but me, and I get in there. Don't let me fucking lie to you. I'm getting in there. I'm experimenting.

I'm trying out new things. I'm saying, why does my fucking... I got an oil slick. Like, you mentioned having an oil... What? My ass is just oil slicked up. You gotta take an oil check. What is that? What, right now it is? I think it's some type of rash.

What do you mean oil slick? It's an oil slick. You're talking about you have an oily butt? Yeah. Yeah, I think what happens is a turd is just stuck, and then it starts to slowly melt and it starts leaking out of your body. Something like that. Something like that. It might be like a mucus deposit. That's an epolip that pops at some point, like four feet inside of yourself. Perhaps. I don't know. Is it up your ass crack? Don't worry about what's going on. You need to sing. That's my game. Sing. I made the game. I know you made the game. Now participate in the game.

Every time I try to say Maria I would do it by morning from San Antonio You're wavering don't get nervous and lash out. Just sing. Yeah, it's a Johnny Cash. You got a nice deep. No, I believe dude I was a high I was a damn builder. I Was a highway man

Along the coach roads I did ride. What's one about Seabird? Sword and pistol by my side. I think that... I was a sailor. What about... Around the horn of Mexico. Turning Japanese. What's that? I think I'm turning Japanese. I think I'm turning Japanese. I think I like it. Yeah. That's a good one.

Don't, dude. Just sing so we can move on. Otherwise, the whole podcast is going to be us telling you to sing for an hour. We're singing. I sound like a fool when I sing. You have a great voice. Thanks, man. I'm just saying that. That's funny. You told me I had bitch hips when we lived together, and I was like... That's because I got cursed. I got cursed with that. We've talked about it so many times. I was laying on my side watching cartoons in the morning, and my sister just goes, you got bitch hips. And I was just like...

It's like that fucking ape becoming sentient. That was a curse. And it traveled all the way to Philadelphia. And I was sitting there with Matt. I was like, shut up, you bitches. He opened the jar. He was like. Yeah, it's like now this plague is on somebody else. I do.

I do it all the time. I'll be sitting there. I'm like, I don't know, bro. It's fucking heavy. It's like bitch. Women leave fucking hips right here. I got liver. King was upset about having fucking back fat. That's why he said he was on steroids. Wait, he went on a little bit of fat that hangs over his back. That's kind of alpha. So he spent 15 grand a month. That's alpha. Consider me miles Davis. Yeah.

You gotta have, yeah, you can't. All right, let's hear it, let's hear it. Shut the fuck up. Let's hear it. This won't happen. Tutti Frutti. Oh, oh, oh. A-bop bamboo. Yeah. A-bop, bop, loo-bop. A-bop bamboo. Goddamn, dude. Come on, man, get into it. We should head down to Tennessee right now. Yeah, Memphis, cut an album right now. We're all going down right now. We should go down and just play. We go down to Muscle Shoals. Yeah. Come on. You can sing Sweet Home Alabama. No, that's racist filth. That's not racist. Number one entertainer in the world. Come on.

Free Bird? Huh? Who? You. Oh, my God. Give me stage rate. Number one entertainer in the world. What the fuck? What do you expect, dude? Come on, man. You're used to selling out shows. Theaters. Please, dude, do not do this. Sing something cool. Don't do this to me. Sing Jimmy Buffett. Honor him. Come on. I wouldn't honor him. Yeah, you would. Pirate looks at 40.

Dude, you know the words to that. Come on, man. I'm not a big Barret head, honestly. I know Margaronibill. Do you know any songs? Margaronibill. It's a curse that I fucking, I love all the songs and I fucking can't sing them. You can sing, dude. It's mental. You swear to God I can't. We're cut from the same cloth, dude. No, we're not. You guys can sing. We're meant, dude. I'm adopted. You're not adopted. I held you, dude. I suckled you. Yeah, you did. I still live with that fucking plague. You clamped onto that.

Come on, brother. Please. No. Do it for me, dude. Please. I tried twice now. You guys are just playing a nasty prank on me. We're not playing a nasty prank. We're not playing a prank on you. Dude, we're sharing the power with you. Now that you say it's a prank, yes, maybe it is. Yes, it is a prank. No, it's not a prank. Dude, don't hit me with pillows. It's the power of life. Ow, Bill. You whipped him. That actually hurt. You whipped him. You hit me in the face. You hit me with the corner, dude. You know that part? The zipper. We were talking today. Again, it was with Billy. It was the earliest morning talking to Spud. Spud's in France.

And you guys, I don't know why you guys, I thought it was a great idea. We're trying to, I'm trying to convince Spud to go to a Gucci store in some other country, shit his pants.

And Spud's idea was to shit. Spud was saying if you shit your pants, you can totally call the ambulance. In a foreign country. You can definitely call an ambulance if you shit your pants. I was like, dude, I will raise a fund. I want to get it to 20 Gs for Spud to shit himself in a Burberry store, film the whole thing, and then call the ambulance and have them take him out on a stretcher. It's not worth 20 Gs. It's worth 20 Gs. It's worth 20 Gs. That's so bad. Would you do it for 20 Gs?

I'd shit myself for 20 G's. I'd shit myself in a Burberry store. In a Burberry store? And have them carry you out? Just go comatose and have them fucking carry your stiff body out. I would do it to get out of a fucking shopping trip with Brittany. Yeah. Shopping trip with a woman. You just have to stand and shit your pants like a kid. I'll be honest. I've fully embraced it. A man did it for free. He pissed himself. That was out of necessity. You gotta look the woman dead in the eyes like a toddler and just...

I full blown did that. Now I get into it. Now I put outfits together. I get really gay and I'm like, no, no, no, girl. Take that back. Oh, you get into it. I guess that's the only thing you can do. It's one way to conquer it. I just got fully into it. I'm like, no, try this. The funny thing is, it all looks fine. You're like, put that on. Oh my God, I would never have thought of that. You're so good at this. I saw it on the mannequin. I was told you'd put it on. I remember back in the day, did you ever go to a dressing room with a lady? Yeah. And like, yeah.

I didn't know as an adult. Like, I was like, she'd come in with me. I'm like, I'm not allowed in there. She's like, you're fucking totally allowed in the dressing room with me. You can do whatever you want. Yes, you are. That's crazy. If you go shot. Yeah, no, dude, you can. It's totally not cool. Everyone knows what's up. No, you just. Well, dude, dude, how do you not grab? That's like me darting home after school. Anytime a lady, anytime a woman's changing in front of me, you're going to pull. You can pull. They love it.

Yeah. But, you know, you get down to business and you go... That's like... Woman cooking, woman washing the dishes. It's Paul time. Yeah. Grab ass. Say, Paul, for sure. Say, Paul, let's have sex in the fucking car. Like, after you're fucking 16 or 17, that shit's not cool to do in fucking public. No, I'm not saying have sex there. I'm not saying have sex there. That shit's crazy. You're gonna get kicked out of Italy. I'm saying get back into the dressing room and then start going...

Go by yourself and make noises. True. And they go, what are you doing back there? And you go, I just love these fucking jeans. These jeans look so fucking good. I love these pants from Target. Oh, these Longfellow slacks. Bill, come on. You're cutting cheese on my couch. This is my favorite. I dropped my bag of marbles. How much would it cost for you to walk down the street with two giant dildos and fucking just weapons playing? I mean, you guys are too much.

No, I'm serious. It's all the goofball stuff. You're absurd and raunchy right now. It's goofball stuff. That fart stinks like cum, dude. Dude, it's going to be a main industry. I just had to go to Nordstrom's by myself. That fart smells like cum, dude. What? I smelled that. It smells like cum. Are we going down this road? It's all bubbles come out. Not until you sing. If you sing, it'll stop. You use it as a tool against me. What if you do? What's a song you can sing to him to be like, back off me? Yeah, get behind me. I ain't playing these games or something like that.

Leave me alone. Mother by Danzig. Sing it. Mother. Have you ever seen that video of Big Jim? No. The dude who does the bench press by himself? The old man? No. Oh, yeah. 275, slim, 73 years old. 275 body weight for one. That's how I saw it. You can rap. I was sitting next to Ric Flair at a bar two days ago. How was he? Yeah.

They were young, like, Texas, like, UT girls on the other side of the bar. And he was just pointing at the ladies, like, and they were all like, no. He just kept going. Nature boy was like, you come here. He's what, like 65 now? He was a little fucked up, too. Yeah, he was old. He was gazed. He was gazed. He was drinking. Waka Flock of Flame was there. Best concert I've ever been to in my life. Waka Flock is the man. He's the craziest. He's a farmer. We went to a bar. Mm-hmm.

And it was not a big bar. Ric Flair and Waka Flocka? Ric Flair and Waka Flocka both just happened to be there. I saw his interview on Club Shea Shea. I was a big fan of Waka Flocka. Waka? Yeah, he's pretty cool. He was the man. Obviously, he's cool. Yeah. That was literally the best concert I've ever been to. Open for Drake, and I thought he was better than Drake. Waka Flocka? Yeah.

Maybe live, maybe in concert. In concert. Because Waka Hardin Live is going crazy. God damn it, yeah. It was at the Camden fucking Campbell Suit place. Can you sing that song, word for word? No. That's absurd and raunchy of you to even ask. Nah, that's fun, dude. That guy's having fun. Come on. Yeah, true.

It's got to be a major industry if this guy's having fun on camera. Yeah. It's coming, dude. Guys having fun on camera. Robots will replace all the workers. There's all these famous YouTubers that that's all they do. They don't do stand-up or sing or anything. Guys having fun. I had dreams about just saying whatever the hell you want on a podcast. You're Bam Margera. Fully fucking whatever. Where did you chip your tooth? I chipped it... I mean, Jesus Christ, you're obsessing me. I chipped it fucking...

Three years ago. What? That's pretty recent. Were you drunk? I was. Someone hit me. Oh, I remember this. I was drinking Bud Light. They hit the fucking bottle and took my tooth. Who did that? My cousin, I think. What a fucking asshole. What a jerk. I go hard in the mother. Yeah. There you go. What you thinking? What? Whoa, dude. I said, what you thinking? What the fuck? I said, what you thinking?

That's the song. What you thinking? Dude, that was on the table at the concert, though. Oh, dude, yeah. Yeah. Rolling N-word pants. It was Woodstock 99, dude. Safe space. DMX hit him with the... Safe space.

That was crazy. The Miguel concert was even worse. Why'd you go to Miguel concert? I went to Miguel open for Sia, but... Dude, you have to know a Miguel song. I won't sing them anymore because we were there. Dude, it was my fucking wedding song, dude. Was it really? Yeah, dude. Was it? Yeah. Did Britney dance on you to Miguel? No, that was when she did the dance number, dude. God, my family isn't like performers. They're assholes. What are you laughing about? Britney laughed at Smet. Yeah, dude.

He's laughing. He's lashing out. He's lashing. No, you can laugh. I'm laughing because he won't sing. He's in the hot seat. He's laughing because he's in the hot seat. He tried to hit me. He called me ratchet. I'm sorry to talk like a fucking rat, dude. My wife performed a beautiful dance for me. You are a little rat, dude. My wife performed a beautiful dance for me, dude. He was nasty the other day towards me. He's coming. Oh, my God. Are you serious? No, take back. Take back. It's coming for him, dude.

It's almost wedding time for you. Do you have any rice in here? I might start throwing it on Billy. All right, this is not how the podcast should go.

It sounds in pain for all of us. Let's start over. Let's be friends. We're being friends. I went to the Miguel concert and fucking... Dude, that was my wedding song. Right back. Straight back. Miguel told everyone to stand up and start screaming, fuck Donald Trump. What'd you do? I sat and I waited for the fucking 2016 election.

I sat and waited for the 2016 election. I was chilling there. I was like, this is so fucking gay, dude. Why is he doing this? I actually have to issue an apology. Why? A band... When we did this podcast, 2018, I think, I went to a concert

And I trashed the band. Who, Wilco? Mount Joy. Oh. Oh, really? Yeah, I was like, they fucking did some dumbass song about police brutality. That shit sucked. Did they do it? It got back to me. Mount Joy was like, what the fuck, dude? I was like, my bad. You guys are cool. I was going through some fucked up family shit. They did. What do you mean? They did do the song, though? Yes. Okay. Yeah.

But I was in the- it was more because I was with a 23 year old girl. Yeah. I was like 30 sitting there like, "Everybody here sucks dude, everybody- all the dudes are fucking like in shape and have ponytails, they're fucking gay." Yeah, it kinda rolls. Meanwhile I was just fat and 30 sitting there, I was an open mic-er in Philly like,

I'm actually the coolest guy here. No one even knows. Thanks for the free material. All these guys sing and suck. They're the ones who are the gayest. You gotta hate this stuff. That's the best thing to do is go to a concert and be like, the guy on stage is the one who sucks, not me. I went to a Devil Masters concert. That was sick. I tried to hate on Bruno Mars.

He's a showman. I had no idea I was in for the show of my life. You're electrified. Bruno Mars might be number one. He's a fantastic performer. Yes. Did he get political? No. No, this is pre-Trump dog. Also, I don't think Bruno Mars would get political. I think he's into cocaine and having a good time. I think so. Come on, guys. Chilling. Come on. Let's have fun. Yeah, that's a...

You said I was in the back for that one. What? I wouldn't want my wife to get like Elvis eyes on Bruno Mars. I did. I brought my girlfriend at the time. And she ogled at him? Yeah, of course, dude. The guy's a fucking dreamboat. He's dancing. He's up there dancing. And I'm like, all right, so you like the opposite of me? Yeah. So is this what you're into? Yeah. He's like a universal. Yeah, he's awesome. Yeah. He's like electrifying singer. Kind of bad boy with the cocaine.

Is he really? Yeah, he got caught with cocaine, dude. Yeah, he's a bad boy. He's a rock star. He got caught doing coke? He got caught with it. He's a wild man, dude. He's 24 karat magic in the air. Yeah. Air. Air.

I hope he's alright though. He doesn't become a cocaine addict. I don't think he will. I don't care what he does. I hope he's living life to the... I hope he's addicted to cocaine. Banging out hits. I hope not. All those cool guys did cocaine. Probably, yeah. But still. Must be the best feeling in the world. Cocaine? No, being on cocaine to a sold out fucking arena and you're dancing and singing. Must be fucking nuts, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

It's probably the best feeling in the world. And you're good at it. That's the trick. Because everybody that does cocaine starts dancing and singing. Yeah, true. And having bad breath. And having ideas and terrible breath. These guys are doing it and people are like...

This guy's unbelievable. Yeah. James Brown. You ever see those videos on Instagram where it's like they're at like a rap concert or some shit and the dude has his, it's a girlfriend and their boyfriend and the girl starts hitting on the fucking dude in front of him. Holding up the cell phone thing like I would fuck you. Oh my God. Makes you want to die. I watch that shit and I want to kill myself. Gotta walk away. Yeah, you gotta go. Or just instantly, yeah, just pretend you're gay. Become a cockhole. Woo! Yeah, I'll cock out.

Like, oh, my girlfriend, she wants to fuck Waka Flocka. That's fine. That's cool. I'd like to see that. True. I would watch. Waka Flocka's a family man. He's the man. Business man. Literally is. So is Rick Ross.

Rosé. Rick Ross bought a fucking farm and it's just... Yeah. You got a custom job here. Like imports cows and shit. Yes. He's like, look at that guy. He's so pumped. Really? He's a farmer? Yeah, he gets like exotic cool farms. Where's he farming? Florida? I don't know. Probably down Florida way. Florida way. That's good farming. Probably down Florida way. Some oranges. Yeah. Kiwis. God damn, that'd be awesome.

I'd want to farm. You know how I talk about farming, dude. It's the ultimate goal. It's not. It's the ultimate goal. Farming would suck ass, dude. One crop. A monocrop. A very small farm. Potatoes? Yes. Jeffersonian. We're talking a garden. Gentleman's farm. We're talking a big garden. Saturn. Do you know what Saturn gardens are? What's that? You build a Saturn garden. It's like you just set up a garden for when you get really, really bad news. You walk out there and scream and cry. Damn. It's like walk up between some shrubs and just be like, Jesus. Jesus.

Apparently that's good for you. Go out in the woods. Oh, the primal screaming? Yeah. I don't like that. Screaming? Yeah. When you film anything and give it that veneer of cool Instagram stuff, it's like... I screamed. The last time I screamed in a real fit of rage was Notre Dame, Michigan, under the lights. Are you fucking kidding me? I walked outside onto my deck and screamed. How'd it feel?

I came back in and I was alright. Yeah, that's true. I came back in because I was so embarrassed about what I had just done. I came back in and I was like, what am I doing? You should have went back out there and been like, I'm Phil! Yeah, yeah. Ice cream all the time. That was somebody else. Shane, get out of here. Hey, Dad, get in. You're freaking everyone out. Stop screaming out there. Yeah, those have been my real only spas. Notre Dame, USC, 2005. Yeah. That was a deck scream. Yeah, having spas, like, I've, like...

I haven't spazzed hard in a long time. No spazz. Girl spazzes are a little different. It's not, I never scream like that. They don't count. Yeah. What the fuck? No, I'm saying I used to like punch and like, I used to have like serious rage issues. I haven't, I haven't really spazzed at all. I've never really spazzed over a girl. It's always been Notre Dame losing. I've broken phones. I've broken phones for talking to girls and just fucking. You smashed? Fuck. That's sick. I've broken like four phones.

Going back to like high school. Was that you? Yes, Billy again. He has a gluten allergy. He doesn't want to admit it. I just didn't have gluten allergies. You have a gluten allergy, bro. It sucks. This is where the tides turn on me. I love you. I love you, bro. You know I love you. The best.

You're the best, dude. Warm out all day. I was excited to hang with Bill. Warm out podcast by night. I was pumped to hang with him all day. All day. Yeah. Me and Bill hung all day. That is nice. You guys don't get to do that too often. I'll adjust it to you. It's always like a family event. Other brother, older brother. I just wish he'd open up to me. Not much to open up to. It's tough not to crack. He doesn't really open up. The shell is so fucking deep. What do you want to know? I want to hear your singing voice. I don't got one. Too much pain. I'll take like two seconds of eye contact first. Yeah.

What's your overall life plan? What's the mission? Blow up. I don't know nobody. I don't know. I'm just trying to get houses with spade as many as we can. For sure. You guys have a nice plan. Yeah. And you're still recovering from the mushroom mental apocalypse? I don't know if it's recovering. It's just too much information. Yeah. What was the info? I don't know. I was on five grams of mushrooms. I couldn't decipher. I just kept dying over and over again.

Yeah, you guys went into it with intention. Yeah, what was it? I got thrust in while fucked up. That was fucking nuts. You were in Hades, dude. You were in Hades. And you had Haas. And Haas was on my dick, dude. Yeah, I wouldn't mind doing it with the intention. But yeah, I don't have a desire to get back in there. Yeah, it's... I was in the game. I said...

That one play was good. I'm good. I really think that's the way. I saw that movie. What? Yeah, I don't need to be back in there. I think that's the way. I'm taking MDMA tomorrow with Brittany. Really? We're going to get a hotel room. That's going to be fucking awesome. We're going to lay in a bed. I still have that Molly. Wow, Wes. Somebody gave me that. My bad, my bad, my bad. Listen, oops. Lemaire, time note, bloop. Yeah, dude. Yeah, we're going to take it, go in the bed tomorrow.

That's going to be awesome. I'm excited. You're going to be so in love. I'm excited. You're going to love a man. I hope so. That's my natural state, dude. And it doesn't get very sexual. That's the thing. That's what I've heard. I didn't know that. Anytime I've ever done it. I think I was on meth when I took it. You probably had dirty molly, though. I did. It shrinks your doner a little. No problem. It gives you like drug penis. I've got plenty to spare. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to be shocked at how little you have to spare.

You ever take any of those amphetamines? Adderall. Adderall is... I've taken Adderall before, but I was so sped out, I didn't even think about my dick. It was probably... I take Adderall at sporting events a lot for a long, all-day tailgate. Then you go to a urinal, and you forget you've done it. Yeah. And you go, oh, my God. Jesus. What the... And you're like, oh, shit, nobody better see this. This would be like... This is the time of year where you have the best flaccid dong. This is dong season.

That's why everybody down Texas way has got that swagger. Oh, yeah. It's always hot. They always have big dick and nuts. Yeah, dude. That's why us Northeast guys are nasty fucking shit talkers. In the pocket. Yeah. I'm telling you. I was walking the other day to the bathroom just being like, God damn, bro. It's like all the best comics are from Boston, New York. Yeah, it's cold here. We got small dicks. Yep. We got to be mean and funny. Yeah. Can't be swagged out Texas guy with a big hog. Yeah.

You had a nice, humid dong, and I was like, is this what it feels like to be confident walking naked? This is sweet. Yeah. This is awesome. Yeah, usually I get one or the other. Tight, like a sack that's cold somehow that's not even... Yeah, yeah. But as soon as you think, in my experience, as soon as I think about my dong, it's like, well, goodbye. Yeah. So I have to just, like, I try to do, like, a reverse Kegel. I've been trying to see if I can just push it out of my body all the time. I don't know. That'd be a funny way to get hemorrhoids. True. Trying to make my dick bigger. Ugh. Ugh.

But yeah, it's been pretty nice. But if you think about it, it just... Right now, my penis is inside of me. I think... Podcast penis is minuscule penis. It's terrible. I think 10% of your flaccid state's in your mind. What do you mean? I think if you're like...

If you relax a little bit, your flash at state can increase. I'd say up to 15, 10%. When you wake up, that's a good penis. Wake up, sometimes without morning wood, just a nice, fluffy, big dong. Warm, hot, big giant. Post-morning wood pee. Yes. Post-morning wood pee is...

I'm back on the maca, and maca, you wake up with fucking... Wooden? Maca. I'm saying you wake up wooded? Oh, my God, bro. That's fun. I wake up so fucking hard. And it's just for nothing but my own pleasure. I just go, fuck yeah, dude. I'm so fucking hard right now. No, that's awesome. It's so tight. Although, yeah, sometimes those morning woods just do not go away. No, you just pee. You pee it out. You just got the hardest dong ever. Just taking a shower. Sometimes...

You try to whack off with that dong and it takes a while. You know what I mean? Morning with dongs is hard. You got to be gentle. You got to treat it like the fucking champion that it is. You do have to be gentle. Sometimes you can start the day with beating the shit out of your cock and that's a bad day, dude. You got a brush burn penis to start the day. I haven't done like a morning fap in a long time. They're never as nice. I don't like them as much. I'm more of a nighttime insomnia. Nighttime insomnia fap. Pre-bedtime jism. Dude. Angel. It's like an angel wings, dude.

It is. You wake up, you're like, I kind of was asleep there, and now I'm awake. Yeah. No, it is weird. They fucking nuked Pornhub after that Hunter Biden shit. They did what? They nuked Pornhub after the Hunter Biden... Of what? Hunter Biden's fucking...

Pornhub account got released. It was like fucking who the fuck knows there's a okay, and then they deleted everything on Pornhub that was just like user uploaded and not fucking Verified person it makes sense if you're like fucking around with foreign diplomats and shit from Ukraine who can like kill people They probably like find out who's a CEO and like dude erase that shit. Yeah, right 188 is one of his fucking usually don't enjoy it hunter 88 sick. How was videos?

Insane. He's getting like foot jobs while smoking crack. He goes all in the motherfucking paint. He does, dude. Yeah. It's time we all do this. It's time Wiener fucking Trump Jr. Let him back into the fold. Whatever his name is. Hunter Biden. They got to all fucking for the new generation clap hands. Bro, let's fucking get over all this bullshit. Let's all move together. Let's move as one. No more joking around.

Black people, you guys are invited. LeMaire, I want you in on this, brother. We're all coming together. Yeah, dude, enough of this. No more fighting. The young Hunter versus Eric Trump is like, will you guys knock it off already? Yeah. Don Jr. would fucking rip Hunter. Why? Why do we have to put him in those terms? I'm just saying, if it happens. Seems a little sharper.

Yeah, I mean although cracked up on her now. He's a mess when he's cracked up, honey, honey Did I hurt you did I hurt you that's a dangerous man though. Yeah, it is Yeah, but what about in terms of like high pico smolder goes to hunter all day? Yes, just like on the fucking like runway with his dad like a little like aircraft carrier with a fucking picoed on He's got this small. He's got the stately smolder. Yes, I would say more than Eric yeah

I agree. He's got a bit of like a James Bond thing going on. Jason Bourne. Jason Bourne. He does. He loses his gun in the dumpster. He's like...

I know where that place is. What is the deal with his gun? It's ease. It was false paperwork. He started banging Bo's wife because she likes to party too. Okay. And they got in a fucking little PMP. They got a party play. They got in a dispute and she threw his gun in the fucking dumpster at Jansen's. It's like a fucking place right across the street from a school. And then some bum found it and turned it in.

That's a good bump. It is. Virtuous bump. Found a gun. Didn't take it to become less than a bump. Yeah, true. Better than a bump. A gun can get you out of being a bum quick. Yeah. Really? Go to a store, just go, give me everything here. True. And then the cops come and you go, all right, fellas, it's been a good run. You guys are coming with me. Yeah. Or just go to jail. That'd be a nice, chill in jail for like five years. I have a botched armed robbery attempt. Yeah. Three hunts and a cop. Get some noodles. Yeah. Get raped.

Hopefully not right away. They hate the bums in jail. They won't fucking shower and they're just fucking destroying fucking cells. Imagine being locked in with a bum. Yeah, you got like a crazy schizo dude. They just want, they get like real pissed. Like, dude, you gotta shower.

Yeah, they just get beat up. Yeah, dude. It's a crazy life. I just spent a decade in jail just constantly getting beat up. Everything sucks. Yeah, dude, not going out. Most of the world is run by like truly said, like, you're in a construction site. It's like the perfect dude. So like fix everything and build it up. But if there's like corralling the mentally ill, it's basically construction workers working as prison guards being like, shut the fuck up, dude. Yeah, fuck you.

Fuck off. That is really sad. Somebody having a, you know, just a disorder. And then because of that, they're just homeless. In jail. Never had family. They just get their ass kicked by other guys all day. And then they get paid like 10 cents an hour. Say like they got to do an addition on the jail. A company will come in like iron workers and then they will fucking have them as like helpers for 10 cents an hour.

make license plates for a nickel that's crazy cheap yeah that's I would say slave labor ever see Brawl on Cell Block 99 of course so good makes me think dude imagine running a business though

Imagine running a business and at the end of the month writing those checks and let me pay all those dudes who work for you. $45. Damn, I could have got a fucking nice grub hub with that. Yeah. Anyway, I guess I'll pay 500 men. That is a nice loophole for slavery, though. It literally is a loophole for slavery. It is. It's like we'll pay them virtually nothing, but not nothing. The 13th Amendment? Yeah. It's on Kanye West to end that. Yeah. It's pretty nuts they still do that.

I think some... Oh, yeah, there are some countries that are just like no money whatsoever. I mean, that's basically what we do. Yeah. Five cents, ten cents a fucking day. Yeah, they really... A single of those countries out there don't pay them ten cents. They're like, that's... You guys are fucked up. You gotta pay them ten cents. Yeah, true. Switzerland has like sick jails. The what? Switzerland are like dorm rooms that are just full of fucking... I've seen those. Why wouldn't you just pay them? Like, not like... You don't have to pay them a high wage, but like have it enough where it's somewhat of a bag and it's like, if you fuck up again...

We take the bag. You can kind of hold it in escrow. Where it's like, dude, if you fuck up again, we hold the bag. Bill? What kind of sandals are those? Burt Kreischer's. That's pretty cool. Is it free? Begays. Oh, that's what I was talking about earlier. I just went to Nordstrom, dude. I wanted to kill myself. Why? What were you doing in Nordstrom? I had to get button downs for a fucking wedding. And I'm sitting there, and I look like a fucking retard waiting for the chick to come sit. Why?

I have this fucking button down on. She's like, let me see if the sleeves are long enough. And she's helping someone else who's getting fitted for a suit. So I'm just sitting in my dressing room with a hat on, shorts and a button down, staring at this family. Get a suit fucking fitted. I'm just like, yeah, getting a suit fitted sucks, especially when you're fat. They get your real waistline. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Squeeze that in. Get your real waist. Did you ever get into men's shapewear?

No. Dude, men's shapewear is where it's at. What's that? I was curious if they even have it. Women wear things that literally scrunch them in. Oh, yeah, I've seen those. I started Googling them. They're the funniest fucking men's Spanx. I was just talking about this with someone. Men's Spanx is so fun. Dude, if you were just talking to somebody and your gut overpowered it and it rolled out, just sit there talking to someone and just...

The top section of your gut just floats out. I don't think you could ever overpower it. You would just be fucking fully barrel chested. I can overpower one of those. I think my gut could pop out. Take out a Spanx? Yeah, after like hunched over on a bar and just rolling it down. Tying your shoes like three times. You'd roll it down and just let yourself breathe. No, I'm saying my gut would pop it out, dude. It'd be insane just talking to somebody and your gut just fucking shoots out. Did you ever see the fucking videos? Of what? The pictures of them? They're so fucking funny.

That is fucked up. Dude. My phone knows I'm fat. Oh. My algorithm knows I'm fat. It hits you with like true classics and shit? Yeah. Jesus Christ. True classics. Oh, I probably just bought XXL clothes. Yeah, you did. I bought pants online. It's on my waist. It knows my dimensions. It's like, you're fucking fat, dude. You're a big guy. Here's how you should lose weight. Dude, you get the Spanx with the six pack. You get the Spanx with the six pack.

Dude. That shit's fucking nasty. That's terrifying shit. Dude, Spanx with a six pack? What are you talking about? Psycho's wearing that out publicly. They're among us. There's chicks out there. Oh, dude, you couldn't bust this thing? I'll rip that thing in half, dude. Bro. It's probably made in China. It's fake. You look like you're wearing a sewer man costume. No. Fucking insane, dude. It probably just props your tits up a little. Yeah, it does. Probably you would have insane tits. Look how fucking jacked he is, dude. Put the polo on. Dude, stand up. Ha ha ha ha ha.

That's crazy. That's a fucking insane look every day chicks. I'm alright with sure that guy You unravel that mess after a long fucking you unravel that mess after a long night you go. This is a 10 after 2:00 a.m We're going then dude if you take your spanks off in front of a lady and let the fucking gut out They're like yeah, they'd be like ah you got me They'd be like They'd suss it out right they would touch you what is that yeah, oh

My one friend would wear Under Armour because he thought it did that. I know a kid who used to wear fucking compression shorts to dances. Why? To shield his penis. Why? I don't know, he just did. Just to like hide the boners? He wouldn't have a fucking crazy boner on a grind line. Why did he go to the dance? I don't know, dude. This is what I heard. Yeah.

Yeah, that was the whole fucking point. STS, yeah. Leave room for the Holy Spirit. STS, at St. Thomas School, they were fucking hawks about dancing. We would go to St. Pete's, dude. That's where the public school kids would meet us there. Uh-oh. You know I'm grinding to a little EI by Nelly. That's crazy that people shop around that shit and let that happen. Yeah, adult men just stand there and watch kids grind. That's got to be a real, that's got to fuck you up.

Yeah, that's fucking nuts. Gotta truly fuck you up. Watch the little girls you raise go around and hook up with six dudes in a night. Yeah. I'm pretty sure the chick I made out with my first kiss at a St. Kev's dance hooked up with as many dudes as she possibly could. She's having a wild night. Maybe. She's probably a trad cat. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? Yeah, what's wrong with that? What the hell is wrong with that, dude? That's debauchery, dude. So if a guy did it... What if a guy made out with six girls in one night? That's too many on a body count.

Dude, you know Adam 22's dad was in the CIA? For real? Supposedly, I don't know. Pretty crazy. Did you know Baby Gronk... Rished up Lindy Doon? That's the adult version. I know. Did you know Adam 22's father was in the CIA? Anyway, where are we at in time on this one? Ooh, you know I love that. My motherfucking God, dude.

Big Bill, come on, come on, come on. Big Bill, take us out. You want to leg wrestle? Have you ever leg wrestled? Where you link your feet up? Where you kind of flip the other person? You try to flip the other person over? No, I'm not doing that. Let's leg wrestle. You want to regular? Yeah, let's do it. That's no problem. You got to do it on the ground. Let's get this out of here. Clear out this wonderful chest. Do you know how to do it? You should show me. I kind of remember. One, two, three. Lift one leg over and fucking... Show me how to do it. I kind of remember this. Watch the video. No, I think you...

We'll get like a mile practice round. The trunk. That's alright, I mean dude it's just a friendly comp on the zebra rug. The zebra had no idea dude. Alright. I don't care. Yeah. Forget how to play, you gotta come up this way. Oh yeah, you put your... You gotta lock on this. Your right legs. You might want to move that back in there. Yeah, yeah. It has to be, our arms locked.

My arms are locked. And then with your leg... Matt, you can move down a little further. Maybe I'll move it back further. Now let's get those legs. This one? Yeah, I gotta go back. Which way am I trying to run? You're trying to pull down. There you go. Raise your leg. One. Down. Go down. One. Two. Three. Open the hell, brother.

Matt, let go of my sand. I didn't flip. Nobody flipped. Ready? One, two, three. You came down like that. You can't come down hard. You came down as hard as you want. One, two, three. Oh, dude. Woo!

I'm not doing that. Sing. No. All right. That's the end of the pod. Thank you. Goodbye.