Jack Black Returns
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about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Last time you were on, you said shitty. I said shitty? Yes. And now it's magnificent? It's a fine line between shitty and magnificent. It's not a fine line! It's a broad line. It's a massive chasm!

Hey there, welcome to... What is it called?

Here we go. Three, two. Leaving that in. No, you are not leaving that in. You'll never know. Yeah, you won't know. Someday I'll listen to this fucking thing. Please don't. Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

And sitting here with my squad. Yeah. Sonam Ossessian. How are you? I'm all right. I'm chilling. It's a podcast. Get your hands away from your mouth. I'm sorry. I feel like I'm loud. Am I loud? No. You mean general? Yeah. Okay. I'm on today. But okay, let's do more bits about me being loud. Bits? No, I'm fine. I'm just...

I feel like I'm loud in my ears. You've been used at sea to guide ships through the fog. You are the loudest, not just person, you are just the loudest entity that I've ever known. I'm not louder than Blay. Yes, you are. Am I? Yeah, yeah. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. I disagree. No, no, no. When Blay comes onto his mic, he comes in with a certain energy and excitement, but that's not how loud he is all the time. Oh. You are...

unbelievably loud all the time. And Matt, you're here too. How are you? Hi. Good to see you. You little church mouse, you. Oh, I'm quiet. I'm Matt. I'm a podcast.

You know, I had an idea. I know what volume I should be. Would you just quiet down, please? No, Sonia, you know, you must have had people tell you that. Everyone has always told me. Yeah. No, no, you're right. I don't know why I'm arguing. I was driving to your house not long ago. We were going to record that Chill Chums, which is in Altadena. And I got near your home and didn't know where you were. And I rolled down the window and heard you and drove the next six miles to your house.

It's absolutely incredible. And you weren't even mad about anything. You were just saying, oh, I found the hummus. And then, you know. Why does it got to always be hummus? Do you like hummus? I do like hummus. But I like baba ghanoush more. Oh, okay. Well, that's not ethnic. You like Quaker oats, baba ghanoush. Oh.

You're so kind. I am a kind person. No, you're not. Oh, you're right. I forgot. I swear to God, I was sitting today. This morning I came in. We have our little office here at Larchmont. It's kind of nice. And I thought, huh, this is,

it's kind of cool. We do a podcast out of here. We do a lot of the pre-production and all the editing for the Max Travel Show here. It's like a little Keebler elf tree where we do all this kind of cool stuff, you know? And then I thought we should do more. And then it hit me, detective agency. Don't you think it'd be cool if we ran a detective agency? And it doesn't have to be all of us, but

Maybe, Bley, you would front it, you know, because you usually wear like a Hawaiian shirt or something anyway. You're saying that because he's wearing one today. I know, but he usually... You know the way the old stereotype is kind of a guy wearing, you know, a Hawaiian shirt. He's a little messy. He's eating a big sandwich. Washed up. Yeah, washed up. You were on the force, but then something went happen. You can't go back to Chinatown, that kind of stuff. So anyway, you would front it. And then occasionally you would use all of us to assist. Yeah.

And we would make extra money that way. I love this idea. I could see people coming up, finding out like, yeah, I know they make a podcast here. And yeah, I know that they do some production here. But oh, I also saw this flyer that says there's a private detective agency. So like a femme fatale walks into a room with like the shadow of blinds on the wall and says, Mr. Blay, I hear you can help me. Well, I kind of think I feel like you would be the head of the operation, Conan. You might send me out into the field. Yeah.

You know, like, I think you're the brains because you read all these these spy novels. That's true. You do. Oh, and also, what the fuck am I doing? Well, first of all, you're how they find us because they hear your voice. Literally, they're like 15 miles away and they are what? I didn't want seeds on this bagel. And then they just start walking towards that. And then they get here like publicizing the business. No, I'm just talking about.

a bagel? Yeah. I don't know. My job sucks on this detective agent. You don't have to do anything. Yeah, but you get paid and you just basically that's all you care about. Anyway, I envision it this way because, you can't you.

You can't lead with Conan. That's just too overwhelming. No, that's true. And also, you want this woman to come in and sort of start to fall in love with you. If I come in, that's screwed. Okay. Okay? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no, I know what you mean. Come in with my BD energy. You don't stand a chance. What are you doing then in this detective? Yeah, what is...

What do you do? I think I come in every now and then in certain situations, like undercover work. What? Yeah. You would never be able to do undercover work. I would. I can crouch. If your life depended on it. You're the twist villain. I can crouch. I can crouch. What does crouching have to do with being undercover?

That's literally being under some covers. Most people spot me because I'm very tall. Right. So if I crouched and I hid the red hair, the red pompadour,

And I could have different disguises, but I would go out there and I'm, you don't have to admit, I'm a pretty good character actor. I could, I could. You've done all those soap operas on all the travel shows. Yeah. You play all those different characters. You know, but anyway. It looks exactly the same. You look exactly like you. You can't, I've been out with you when you're wearing a hat and sunglasses and you're looking, trying to look like blend in. Everyone knows it's you. I've been there. Don't you have a story where you were literally covered head to toe and Martin Short was like, hey, Conan. And you were like, I'm fully covered.

Under a sheet. Yeah, it happens. I was with my daughter and people were saying hi and stuff. And so we went into a sunglass store and my daughter, Nev, and this is a true story. We're down in Santa Monica on the promenade. And they had these glasses that cover your whole face. And I said, let's just try those. And I bought them and I put them on and I walked out with my daughter. And she's a witness. And the person went by and went, cool glasses.

Conan. But anyway, well, the other thing I could do is also just be me. If the undercover isn't going to work, I could say, hey, Conan O'Brien, you're probably a fan, you know, and then that gets the conversation started and I get some information. But another way, you know, the way detectives are always shelling out, here's a 20, here's a 20, here's a 20. What do you know what's on the street? I could do that, but I could do it with like, you know, here's some just tickets to a podcast.

down at the here's a headshot here's a yeah here's a here's a headshot what's the word on the street and then the guy would be like what I don't want this and by the way this headshot looks 20 years old and word on the street is you're going around passing out headshots yeah just find out you know I'm at the shoe sign stand I'm like hey hey buddy what do you know what do you know he's

He's like, well, I don't know much. Oh, yeah, I think you do. And I hand over a headshot that was taken in 1993. I'm wearing like a padded shoulder jacket. It's for the late night with Conan O'Brien show. And I'm like, hey, maybe now you remember a little better. And he's like, yeah, I remember that you've aged horribly. And he already has one because the guy before you gave him one that you gave that guy. And guess what? I walk back to the detective agency and they're in the trash cans.

All the way back. They've been thrown away. Never solved a case. Yeah. I don't know. I just think it's something to explore. A detective agency. I'm fully on board. You'd be up for it, right? I'm fully on board. That sounds fun. I think my life needs more excitement. All of our lives need more excitement, I think. You know what we could do? We'll put in the tropes, which is we can light it so that it looks like there's a window coming through some shades. We can get a slow-moving ceiling fan. A lot of filing cabinets. Mm.

messy sandwich and that'll just be one corner of another pristine office yeah bourbon in a drawer we hire a saxophonist to just kind of play just yeah always lonely saxophone choose the Hawaiian version of a detective or that version you can't blend the two versions do whatever you want who's even listening to this thing right now oh okay who cares the rap sign's been up for like five minutes yeah

I thought you were just asking us, do we want to order a wrap? Oh, that would be wrap question mark. This detective agency is never going to work. Okay. Maybe the detective agency is a bad idea. We'll think of something else. I want us to have another service here.

So let's think of what that is. I'm fully in, you know, ceramics. Hey, massage. Oh, OK. No. Like people come in to give you a massage. Wait, that would be fantastic. What kind of business is that? I have to start giving people massages in a Hawaiian shirt.

I don't know. I'm going to work on this. I'm going to figure it out. OK. All right. Well, and if anyone out there has any suggestions, I'd like this. I'd like there to be one more income stream here. One other source of revenue. So let's think of what it is here at Team Coco. OK.

Now we have to do an intro. Yeah, now this was what this was. Never get these right. Jack Black. Okay. My guest today is a hilarious actor, and you know him from movies like School of Rock, Tropic Thunder, and Jumanji. Welcome to the jungle. Now you can see him in the new movie Borderlands. I am thrilled he's here today. He is a life force. Jack Black, welcome. Welcome.

You're the first guy and or woman who brought me an apple. You brought me an apple. I did. My father has an apple orchard in Washington, and I had him FedEx in an ice box. I'm kidding. I got that from your green room. Ah! Ah!

And honestly, I was going to eat it myself. But then as soon as I stepped in here, it's like, I'm giving it to Cone. Take your apple. Oh! You know what? Was there a second where you thought his dad was... I was on board.

Unboard that whole time. You know why? Because there's a kernel of truth. My father does have, well, he did have an apple orchard. He switched over to grapes. Boo. Boo. It's hard work, Farman. I boo. I like to boo arbitrary things. Like, yay, apple. Boo, grapes. 33.

I'm thinking about how old my dad is. Born in 1941. Okay, I can do the math on that. He's 111. No, he's like 84. He's getting up there for farm work, you know, but he's still living on the farm. My dad, 95. No way. Yeah, and he spots people at the gym, which is what he does for a living.

Great genes. Yeah. Well, it doesn't work out. His torso always falls off the minute he grabs the weight. Dude, spotting is no joke. He doesn't bleed. Just a weird dust comes out. Oh!

I'm telling you, they sew him back up and he's okay. As jokes go, that was an apple. Listen, we're going to get a lot of good apple crunch going right now in this podcast. That's nice. What do they call that? The thing the kids do now with the sounds? ASMR. What was I going for? What did you say? Synesthesia? What's the one where a kid can't stand? Misophonia. Is it misophonia?

- Me So Horny. - Okay, I let it go. You know what I did? I saw it and I let it go. - You did? - I saw it and I let it go and you grabbed it. And that's the difference. - Full metal jacket. - That's right. - I see what you're doing. Full metal Jack Black-it, Me So Horny. - Yeah. - Nice.

Hey, that's exactly what I was doing. Jack, as you're as you're chomping away on that apple like an animal. I mean, a horse. So good. A horse has more dignity eating an apple than you are right now. You're out of control. So I could have gotten a in this class if I had just let you think I got you this apple. But instead, I took it back. And you've angered me and you've angered. I'm going to say worth it, though. Every bite is another delicious explosion.

You got good apples. You know, this beard that your face has generated is insane. Look at that beard. That's a crazy beard. And all I'm wondering is how much food, because I'm looking at you eat the apple and everything

I think a third of the apple is going into the beard. So much of my food goes into my beard nowadays. It's it's funny. It's certain foods, apples. I'm not going to get any apple in my beard. Maybe some apple juice. Yeah. But the food that gets in there, obviously, it's the soups. Anything that's got like that you have to eat with a spoon is going to end up in my beard. Yeah. And people say, oh, it's great. I get to eat it later. It's not great.

And whenever it happens, a lot of times I will go and take a shower right after a meal because the napkin won't get it off. You'll still have residue in the hair. Did you just say residue? I did. Was that the French form of residue? That's a liquid you. I did it on purpose. I like it. I like to use the liquid you. I like that you keep touching your beard, though, and running your fingers through it. It's like a sensual experience for you constantly.

It is. And I know when I shave it and that's coming soon, I'm going to miss this, the tactile experience of pulling on the beard. I actually was planning on getting a little trim before I came in here because it's a little unruly. Yeah. And it's like, you know how you get split ends on your hair if you let it go too long and too untrimmed? Yeah.

Same deal with the beard. Now, there's a beard wax, I'm told. Yeah. Would you ever try anything like that? Wax it up a little bit. I'm not against waxing. I'm impressed by the people that win the prizes for best beard and mustache, where they go curlicue. Don't say mustache. Stop it. Stop just changing things arbitrarily. Moustache. It's a crutch. I do change words. I do enjoy changing words, and I don't know if you're going to break me of it today. No. But...

I have never used the wax because I like to run my fingers through it and then my fingers would get all waxy. But I have used the oil, the beard oil. But I found out the hard way you don't want to overdo it because I used some beard oil before a big concert in Germany. We played this festival called Rock and Rolling.

And it's like 100,000 people in the audience. They're not there to see us. They're there to see Metallica or whoever. And I put on a bunch of beard oil before because I wanted to be extra, I don't know. Oily. I wanted to be, well, I just wanted the beard to be looking fierce. Fierce and rocking. And when I went back and watched the replay of the thing, they had recorded it. I saw that you could see my skin underneath my beard was all shiny and greasy and red.

And it was because I put too much on. And you don't want to touch the skin underneath the beard. No, no. So from now on, when I do it, I didn't do it today. I just grabbed the tips of the beard. Tease it out. I tease it out. You got to be subtle with it. Just a little tip for all you beard and mustachios out there. No, that's half our audience is beard and mustachios. But you know the best thing about that oils? What? The way it makes you smell. It's better than cologne because it's just a hint of like,

A muskrat. I don't know what, the different, not muskrat. What is it? It's got a certain musk is what you're trying to say. Well, there's different flavors like sandalwood. Yeah. Or what's the one that's kind of minty, but it smells like the forest.

Pine. Okay, take it easy. Jesus, Jack. It's just pine. Listen, first of all, you've got El Diablo eyebrows. They are pointed straight up and you'll say like, what is that again? That when you're in the forest, pine. And suddenly a

A hellhound has come up and has attacked us to steal our souls, and you're just talking about pine scent. I love that you called my eyebrows El Diablo. They are El Diablo. I've always called them my Ernie Borg nines. When they start going out of control, when I get some stray hairs up there. But once again...

I had someone coming over to my house to spruce me up before I came here. Yep. And I think our wires got crossed and that did not happen. So I'm here in my completely untouched,

unvarnished state. Yeah. Straight out of the forest. You know, I got it during COVID. You did a solid, you did it, not just a national service, an international service. You made these TikTok videos that were so funny and great. You were, I would say 90% of the time, mostly nude.

Yeah. But you sort of gave of yourself during that time and you did such funny videos. And I got to peek behind the curtains because I thought, this is Jack in his home as he is, probably mostly walking around with little clothing, you know? And you were hilarious. You were fantastic. Oh, thank you. Those were great. That was an opportunity to bring some cheer to a dark time. And I saw a little window.

And I had my my social media guru, Taylor Stevens, who I called up and was like, yeah, let's do let's do some little comedy nuggets on Instagram about how did it start to start with? I think we did like a mask one about wearing the mask and about getting the vaccination or stuff around that time. That was just sort of seemed like public service announcements, announcements, but funny.

And then I saw on Instagram the WAP dance, the wet ass pussy. What do you mean? It's the name of the song and you shouldn't be ashamed to say it. I know, but it's explicit. It's got the E symbol on it. And shh.

What's her name again? This incredible artist that came up. Megan Thee Stallion? Nope. Not Megan Thee Stallion. Oh. Thank you. Cardi B. Cardi B. And it had kind of a

a momentum of its own where people were doing, it was a challenge. Who can do the best WAP dance? And I was like, dude, it would be funny if I do the WAP dance and we get me in the backyard and some speedos just WAPing it up. And he was like, I'm on my way. And he came over. He came over. He came over like it was a medical emergency. Yeah.

You know what I love? I think there are times when a comedy writer or producer should have a siren that they put on the top of their car. And if a policeman stops him, hey, I got to get to Jack Black's house. We're going to do the wet ass pussy song right this way. I'll be an escort. It's funny, but it's true. You got to get them while they're hot, when you get a little nugget, because they're almost like nuggets that are floating around in the ether and someone's going to do it. It's a funny thing that's going to happen.

And so Taylor, he zipped over and my son was spraying the hose on me and he just filmed it. And then he put the he put the music on later. So it was high quality. You don't want to just there's some technical magic that went into that. And it went so crazy, like better than anything I'd ever put on Instagram before that I

He came up with a thing like, let's keep this party flowing. Sure. Let's get you up. Because the Marvel was going at full speed at the time. All the Marvel superhero movies were just automatic billion each. So we were like, let's mess with that whole thing. And yeah, we did. We went through basically their whole catalog. Yes. All their greatest heroes got lambasted by my... Lambasted. Thank you. Lambasted by my... Yeah, you did Spiderman. I did... Iron...

Ironman. What the hell was that? Oh my God. Eduardo. I think Eduardo was helping out. Eduardo, what were you doing? I accidentally, I was bringing up the video. I was bringing up the video to, to,

see it as he was talking about it because i was why did we hear that blast of sound because i have the computer connected to the uh eduardo you were paid hundreds of dollars a week to not make those mistakes i thought about putting it up on the screen for you guys to watch while he was talking about but i decided not to it's the most complimentary mistake you could make eduardo that while we were talking you were like i gotta

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You were talking about just as you came into the studio,

You had a story that I want you to repeat, which is there is something about, you got to get things at that moment. I don't know what it is. Comedy is not architecture. You can't just make the measurements and then build it 100 years later. There's this thing. I don't know what it is. It defies explanation. But you were talking about Miles Davis used to say, what did he used to say? Miles Davis, I don't know.

I think this is a true story. He said, you have to start recording when I pull the Jaguar into the parking lot. When he goes to a recording studio, they start recording before he even steps to the foot. Because usually in a recording studio, the engineer producer will push record when you enter the room with your musical instrument and you start to play. Not Miles. Miles is like, no magic could happen any moment.

When I come in the room, there could be magic. This could be magic right now. Why the fuck were you not recording? How come they couldn't give him a lozenge? Couldn't they give him a lozenge? Oh, I'm sorry. How do you say it? I say lozenge. You say lozenge. I don't mess with lozenge. I guess you can't. I don't change the pronunciation of every word.

No, but it's true. There's a magic in the moment. I've had, I will pay you a compliment, which I don't like to do, but I'm going to do it. You were always, all those years of, you know, different late night shows, you were always one of my favorite people because you have this combination of, you know, just amazing comedy brain, great physicality, and then energy, explosive energy. And you've got all three and you would come on and anytime you were going to be on the show-

I was, well, I got the night off. Jack's coming. Like, you know, and it's why you came in and you did the last show for me because I was thinking, yeah, who else? This is the guy. This is the guy that needs to, he needs to help put a bolt in the brain of this late night show I've been doing for 28 years. And Zach Galifianakis wasn't available. Let's be honest. No, no, no. He was hanging around. Yeah.

He was outside the stage door because we shot it in a theater. He was outside and he kept saying, you know, so we did a couple of those hangover movies. I was like, Zach! Sometimes people call me Jack Galifoblakis. They say I stole his beard, which is kind of true. But here's what I want to say to you. It was such an honor that you chose me to be on your final episode.

I almost cried right now just thinking about it. And I think back and I think, God dang it, I should have done said these other things that I didn't say on the final episode like, and I'm glad I'm here to get a chance to do it. But the meaningfulness of when I first came on your show, you were the first talk show I came on to in the national spotlight. And I was so fucking nervous. And I asked you, is it OK if I like do a little skit? Because

Cause that's kind of my thing. I don't go on and just talk about myself and my, and you were like, yes, you were so game. And, uh, you let me come on there. And with Kyle, we did a little musical number about replacing Andy Richter, which was just a joke. Cause I love Andy. You auditioned, uh, Andy's a sidekick and you auditioned to replace him. And it was so fantastic. It was so funny. Uh, and we did, you did so many great bits. We did one bit that, uh,

capture people's imagination. There was once you and I decided who's the greater guitar God. And so we start playing guitar opposite each other. And then we're, we're standing in front of the, you know, in the performance area and the curtain and I, you know, you're playing and then I'm playing and then you're playing and I'm playing. And then my plan starts to get off the hook. Amazing. And you're, and then you get suspicious and you pull the curtain away and slashes there. Yeah.

And he's making the guitar sounds for me. And it killed so hard. It was such an amazing surprise. I believe that was your idea you came in with. And I was just like, that's a fantastic idea. And all we have to do is get Slash. And then we did. Turns out he was in the commissary. I think so. Maybe Smiley had something to do with that idea. I don't know who gets credit. That's not important who gets the credit.

Right, it was Tavis smiling. It was such a good idea that here we are 10 years later, there's still people doing that same joke. They got that from us. Yeah. I just saw it like a week ago. It was like, oh, you got Slash hiding behind the curtain. I wonder where you got that idea. But, you know, anyways. The important thing is...

We create vibrations, we pick up on vibrations, and we pass them on and we receive them. And then we sue the shit out of people. That's right. Left and right. And that was the funniest thing when I was on the farewell show and I actually injured my ankle. Yes. You came backstage after we were done. Let me just set it up. We were going to do this thing where...

You panic and you run away. And it was going to be that the running away part and running outside was going to be a pre-tape rehearsing it, rehearsing it, rehearsing it. Let's get another take. Let's go. Wait, let me interrupt your retelling of the story, because what it actually with the comedy bit was I was coming out.

to perform the farewell song. Yep. And then in the middle of me singing this farewell song, I get so, so energetic and dancing. I injure myself. Fake injure yourself. Fake injure myself. Ah!

And then the medics come in, the paramedics carry me out. And then I say, no, he needs me. This is too important. You kick open the back of the ambulance and come running back into the theater. And as we were doing the pre-tape of me kicking open the doors and running back in the theater, I injured my ankle for real. For real. Yes. And of course I come running out. You're on the ground.

It's my final late night show. And sometimes I look to a camera that's not there and do a take. Like, it's just, you know, you know that classic, something goes crazily wrong and the person just shoots the camera and looks into it. Where's my camera right now? Right there. It just goes...

Really? And I looked at a camera that wasn't there. And as you're writhing in pain, I should have been looking after you. But I just thought it's my last show. Jack Black, we got this great idea and now you're injured. And I thought, well, this isn't going to happen now.

But and it was it was a real injury. Yes. Snap, crackle, pop. I heard it all. Yeah. And then they you like a hero. You got taped up. You got booted up. I went to the the actual like special ankle specialist.

who taped me up and put me in a cast and said, yeah, you're going to be out of commission for a long time. You're not going to be getting out of this cast for, we don't know how long. It takes a long time for this kind of sprain. It wasn't a regular sprain. It was like where the, not the tendons, but the other things. I can't remember what the things are that were torn off.

And he's and I said, yeah, but can I sing? Can I? And he's like, yeah, of course you can sing. I was like, OK, I'm going to go on Conan tomorrow then and do my bit. And it'll be very dramatic. I'll be a real hero. Yeah. When I come out there with my and with my cast. Was he like Conan? Fuck, I love that guy. Fuck! I'm taking this cast off. Conan's the goat. Did he do that at all? Something like that. I think it was like, oh, yeah.

O'Brien. I know that. I know him. That'll be great. Hey, pretty much the same thing. Yeah. Pretty much the same thing. But he did say no dancing and jumping around though. Let's just keep it, you know. But you came on, you did it, you killed it. It was, it meant the world to me. And what I just realized today, someone reminded me and now it's like, oh my God, I did a big 10th anniversary show. So we started in 93. This would have been 2003. We did a 10th anniversary show and it's a huge deal. And like, I,

All my heroes came out for it. It was great. We did it, I think, at the Beacon Theater. You did a song about the story of Conan telling my story from the beginning in 93. And it was operatic, the highs, the lows. And I'm sure it's out there and you can watch it somewhere. And it's worth looking at because it's one of the greatest things I've ever seen. Because, you know, you'd...

You'd go through the initial beginning and then the hard times and then everything's really going great. And then, but then Andy Richter left. And it was just, I mean, I was watching and I was like, why isn't this guy getting a Tony for this? Okay, we're not a Broadway show, but...

So many times you came and I'm not going to say hit a home run. It's like it's like the natural. You hit a home run. It hit the lights. The lights exploded. Then it set off the Oppenheimer explosion. There's nothing I can do to I can never thank you for all the nice things you've done for me. Do you know what? That's a no brainer, though. How am I not going to come out for the 10th anniversary? But in my mind before that 10th anniversary, I'm thinking this is going to be a bomb. This is not going to go well.

I will be bad. And I just surrender myself to that. And I go in with a fight or flight kind of adrenaline. That's how it is every time. I go in going, oh, fuck, this is terrifying. And then I get out there and it goes, not always. Sometimes it goes great. And I feel like, ah!

Like, ah, I've got it. I'll never forget this feeling. And then, you know, a week later, I have to go do another thing. I'm terrified again. No, I do this about everything. There's just a lot of misery involved. But then if you can catch the wave right, you have this great revelation, this nice moment. And then you're right back.

I mean, it lasts, I can't believe it lasts for like, you know, it's like those Viagra ads. If it lasts longer than six hours, you're in trouble. This, it just doesn't last. It goes. And I am fooled because I think, okay, I know that happens to me, but I would guess it would, I know I'm wrong, but I would have said wouldn't happen to Jack Black. Absolutely happens to me. Because I don't see you ever failing. I just don't see it. In fact, I feel my most confident way

And weirdly, after a bad performance or something that I didn't have fun at, and I think in my mind, the next time I get up in front of a camera or on stage, I'm going to make up for that shitty one I just did. I don't know why that's always where I feel most comfortable in the...

The defensive crouch right after a bad one. One was like, okay, this is the redemption. So I have that up and down of a performance and that goes, that goes across the board. But I wanted to say what I forgot that I should have said on the farewell episode that you had me come and guest on is that the

The very first time you had me on, 20 years before, I had this amazing experience on national television with you and your embrace of my adventurous spirit and your adventurous spirit was such a great way to kick off my journey. And then I looked over at...

other comedians and other performers and actors that had had the same experience. Like that's the first time I saw Amy Poehler when she came on your show as like the little sister, Andy Richter's little sister with those braces on. I was like, who the fuck is that? This is some kind of a crazy performance from someone that's just getting shot out of a cannon. I've never seen her before. And I know that you've done that for, for tons of, of performance and comedians over the, over the decades.

And I just thought, what an amazing person you are to be at the threshold of the industry in a way for all these new, you know, young alternative. That's, I mean, very sweet. I always think that we were very lucky in the timing. We were in the right place. And there was all this young talent coming up. And I get giddy around talented people. We just had so much fun. And it's nice.

All these years later, just judging by your beard that you're, I think you're 88. I did have a very old looking beard. There's more salt than pepper, as they say. And I, you know, served our country valiantly in the Korean War.

and have the shrapnel to show for it but all this time later i'm still having fun like it's it's you come in and we're just right back to the same idiocy which is so magical it is the secret sauce but the secret behind the secret sauce is how do you have fun under the circumstances of pressure like now we're on there's a microphone here it's recording everything we say there's a certain amount of pressure there you know people are going to be listening to it and watching it later and

And finding that relaxation pocket because you can't really have fun if you're not relaxed on some level. Well, I learned a long time ago with the TV show and with this, you got it. That just has to go away. I think one of the things that helps help so much with the podcast is after all this time and everything I've been through, the podcast just felt like and still feels like a safe space where I'm just having fun with my friends and.

the, the doesn't feel like, Hey man, this is, come on. Okay, let's go. Come on. Here comes Jack's coming in. We got, I mean, we don't even put these out. I don't know. Nor should you. And they hire actors occasionally on the street. I just got back from Europe and so many people were like, I love the podcast. And I was thinking you're just hiring actors there. And they get my name at Cronin. No, no,

And tell Mitt and Sanya that they do a great job. Get the names right, at least. Do you agree with my relaxation theory? Yes, I agree with your theory that... So you're saying the secret behind the secret is just let that shit go. You have to. The nervousness? No, no, no. The nervousness is beforehand. Right. I think all of that, I believe in that. I believe in...

And sadly, I believe in the terror. I believe in the process of questioning yourself, of some self-loathing. I'm sorry, but I just believe in it. It's worked for me. And also, it doesn't matter if it's worked for me or not. It's just what happens.

But then if I get out there and I connect with the crowd or we get in here and we start talking some shit about anything, all of that goes away. You know what I think about sometimes when I have a bad show that I'm not having it and it doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. It just means that I'm not having fun. You didn't feel good. So I think if I didn't have fun, then it wasn't good, which isn't necessarily the truth. But after a show where I'm not having fun and I feel like it went bad, I'm

I'll go, OK, this is my adjustment. That very next show when I go out there, I'm not going to care so much if it's good or bad, because that's the thing that fucked me up is I was so worried about it being bad that I didn't just let it be. So that's oftentimes my mental adjustment is like kind of throw it away a little bit. Yeah. Kind of phone it in a little bit. Weirdly, I like how you looked.

Side to side. It's such a horrible thing to say. But it was such a cartoonish side to side. He also looked right at me and I phoned it in all the time.

She built a career. And you know what? I've been to her house and it's, it's paid for by phoning it in. Yeah. And the house is all phones. You were talking directly to me. Cause that is my, my approach. No, no. And you know, it's so funny. We had, I'll never forget, but one of the magical things about Sona is that she doesn't change no

no matter how the circumstances change. So Sona met her, hired her to be my assistant. There was never any intention for any of this. Years go by, we have this dynamic, this interplay, you know, me really hardworking, very capable, trying hard to... Delusional. Delusional. Sona not giving a shit. And it always just worked. You know, this is where... So then once Kumail Nanjiani...

who was gonna be on the show, who I love, it wasn't his fault. He wasn't able to get to the show because they changed his shooting schedule and he couldn't come. And we heard at the last second, someone said, "What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?" I said, "We're just gonna bring Sona out." We brought Sona out. Sona was great, but what made her great is she didn't care.

And you take any other person and say, big star didn't come, but you're going to do it. And they get in their head and they become someone else. There's that famous concept in science that the minute you observe anything, it changes it. The minute you try and observe a particle, the minute you try and observe anything in nature. Quantum weirdness. Yes, you

I love that. You change it by the very fact that you're observing it. Schrodinger's cat. I can just make that up. Quantum weirdness. It's true. But you know what? But you know what? No, it's true. It's a real thing. But...

There's one exception that proves every rule. It doesn't happen to Sona. And we go out and we do these shows now that the podcast has become a thing in front of like, you know, there's still be 3000 people in the crowd or 2,500 people in the crowd. It's sold out. It's a big venue. And so I was like, well,

What's going on? And then what's the greatest thing is so she'll do it and then it's over and the rest of us are like, I think that was a really good show. And she's like, I'm hungry. I'm going to Taco Bell. Oh, look, a cookie. Taco Bell? Can we go to Taco Bell? But anyway, I heard something. I don't know if it's true, but you and I may have something. We

We have a bunch of things in common, but we have one thing in common, I believe, which is we both were stupid enough to get on a water buffalo. Is that true? Oh, my God. Yeah. On Tropic Thunder. On Tropic Thunder. And I once for an animal segment and I've told people this, but I don't.

jumped onto a water buffalo and it was without thinking, but they had animals there and then they brought in a massive, I mean, literally the size of this table that we're at right now, this podcast table, this massive beast and someone who wasn't in a position of authority said, hey, Conan, this is at rehearsal. Get on it. That could be funny. And I'm just a,

you know, chimp. I'm a yes and chimp. So I went, okay. And someone brought out an Apple box and I jumped on the Apple box and no one had. And all I remember is just before I did it, Andy said, don't do that. I remembered Andy really clearly going, don't do that. And he said it. And I was like, you know, got to do it. Cause an intern, right?

said try it so I get on the water buffalo the water buffalo immediately throws me off I go up in the air and I land on a poured you know cameras have to roll in a TV studio so it's a poured thick concrete that's smooth it's very dense I bounce off my hip and that wasn't even the scary part it hurt like a motherfucker but the water buffalo took off I felt bad for the water buffalo right up until I killed it

No, I'm kidding. Well, I had to shoot it. No, it took off and took a turn and looked at me and I ran like a cartoon character runs. Like literally, I just disappeared and there was smoke and some hairpins.

And then I got a hematoma on my hip that was so big I couldn't take my pants off. And they called the Warner Brothers doctor who came in and went, "That's the biggest hematoma I've ever seen." And I had this, looked like my leg was dipped in paint for a while.

And I thought, well, I think I'm probably the only person in comedy dumb enough to get on a water buffalo. And then I find out, Tropic Thunder? Yeah. Did you end up doing it? Very similar circumstance. But I have to ask, I wasn't listening to the premise. Why was there a water buffalo on the set? Yeah.

animal segment. We did them all the time. It's a talk show staple. So they bring in like, here's a Cobra. Here's a this, here's a that. And no one had ever brought in a water Buffalo. And this is just rehearsal. This is rehearsal. Cameras are not rolling. No. And so they brought this thing in and they, uh, they, they, I just was intrigued. Like, well, I've been doing this for 28 years. Never seen a water Buffalo. Get on it.

I feel like there is footage of this. Someone was taping. No, no one. Are you sure? I think we might have had a camera there. It's a camera rehearsal. There's a camera. But you know what the problem is? I think we've looked at the footage and you can't really tell what's happening. You can just see the very beginning as you're getting on it. You can see as I'm getting on it. And then because they weren't ready to shoot it yet. They weren't. So they weren't on me. You can kind of see. It's like if Abraham Zapruder was.

had been shooting, you know, in Dealey Plaza, had been like looking at a bird or something when Kennedy went by. And then you can kind of see a little piece of limousine. But the fact that there's footage of you just about to get on makes me feel like the cameraman maybe sensed, this could go bad. I better not film this just in case this goes sideways. Which the instinct should have been the opposite. This could go bad. I'm going to keep rolling on that. You know what I mean? Right. I don't know what happened there. I think it's a humanity thing where the cameraman is like...

I have to look away from this. I'm turning it off. No one's going to see that. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't mind if it existed because I think I really bounced. This was in the era of America's Funniest Home Videos. Yeah, we could. They could have put a boy on it, but before TikTok. So, you know, there's no money in keeping it. It's like, wait a second. Conan's about to get on a water buffalo and you turn it off. So what was your experience? So I had a similar experience where I.

This is like a campfire story. We're in Hawaii. We're recreating Southeast Asia. We're supposed to be in Vietnam out in the middle of nowhere. And in the middle of Hawaii, you wouldn't know. It's got a jungly vibe. Yeah, it does. Yeah. And so I'm on the back of this water buffalo. They assure me that it's safe. And they've got the animal trainers on these movies. You had an animal trainer there. You have to. It's part of the union rules. Sure, we did. And I...

I'm afraid of dogs. I'm afraid of animals because it's my natural fear of the unpredictability of the animal kingdom. You don't know what they're going to do, but I had been assured everything's cool. So I got on the back of it and I'm supposed to come around the bend on this mountain trail.

And I'm just in my underpants. And I think I'm strapped to the buffalo because I'm like going through a drug withdrawal at the same time. So I'm a sweaty mess. And the buffalo, I can tell, is just a little bit uncomfortable. And they say, action. And we start moving. And I'm like, uh-oh, what's happening here? Maybe it sensed my fear, but it was uncomfortable. And it just started bucking bronco. And I was like, ah!

And I flew off of that thing, and I went ass over tea kettle, I think because there's no footage of it, just like you. But I just, we hadn't entered frame yet. Like, we were right behind the mountain. We were coming around, and I flew and did a little flip-de-do and landed miraculously between two boulders and did not get injured at all. I did not have a hematoma. I just sort of had this...

miraculous safe landing. And Ben was, I could hear him off in the distance say, what's going on? Are we cutting? Let's take it. Jack, take it from the top. We didn't get any of that. I was like, no, you take it from the top. You get on this fucking buffalo.

Because I had so much adrenaline inside me. I thought I was good. I saw my life flash before my eyes. Yeah, of course. And then I stormed off to my trailer just because I was like shaking and like not in any mood to be in the movie anymore. Or any movie ever again. Yeah.

So my stuntman, Jimmy Waitman, hero that he is, suited up and got on the back of the... And they went ahead with the rest of those shots from that scene with my stuntman. And also Robert Downey Jr. was like petting the... Soothing the beast and calming the beast. And later on, months later...

Not months later, like weeks later. I don't remember how long after that event took place. Someone said, Jack, you know what we found out. That water buffalo was pregnant. No one knew it had a baby inside, and that's why it was freaking out. Because it was uncomfortable. And I was like, fuck me, man. There's got to be a way they should know that before they put me on the back of a gigantic power beast. Yeah.

And then at the premiere, someone was there that said, you know what they named the baby? Named him Jack. I was like, that's the sweetest thing. God made it worth it. And I never. No, it didn't. We were almost killed. I would like to meet Jack. I wonder if Jack is a. Well, I've got a surprise for you. Let's bring him in.

Open up that whole wall. What do you mean it doesn't open? I brought a Jack the Water Buffalo 8,000 miles. We got to fix it so this wall opens and we can bring people what they're talking about. God damn it, I hate this place. Craving a snack that's cool, creamy, sweet, soft, and pillowy, are you? Yes, I am.

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Hey, I want to make sure, because I knew when I talked to you, we would have such a great time. Chomp.

I want to make sure that I mention this film that you've made, which looks like an absolute blast, Borderlands. Yeah. And you are, this is based on a video game. This is why I'm here, actually. Yeah. I'm here to talk about Borderlands. Yeah.

Yeah. We're just trying to cut this part out. So it's based on a video game that I actually played several years ago. I think it was close to 20 years ago that I played the first time I played Borderlands. It's been around forever. And the thing that's cool, one of the things that's cool about it is that it looks like the characters...

and the world was pulled straight out of a comic book. Like, you can see the line. Yeah. And you don't see that in other... Or you didn't back when they first made this video game. Kind of a mind-blowing technique that they were using. And it's kind of like Road Warrior, where it looks like...

a post-apocalyptic desert landscape. And they got the really intense muscle-bound freaks. They call them the, what do they call them? The berserkers. And you've got this incredible bounty hunter or they call them, oh man, I am,

bad at explaining movies. That's why I tried not to get to it. I should have looked at a cheat sheet or something before I came in here. Tomb hunters. But you know what? So I'm watching it. We didn't get the, they didn't send us the whole film. There was some length that didn't work. That's their story anyway. But I was watching a bunch of footage from which they did supply. Yeah. Cate Blanchett. Yeah, the best. Is in this. Jamie Lee Curtis. The best. Kevin Hart.

the best they can't all be the best they can all be the best in their lanes nice got it got it uh

And then I say, Conor O'Brien. Silence. The best. The best. You know who does that? Sandler about everything. Oh, really? Adam Sandler. My Adam Sandler impression is I'll be talking to him and I'll be like, yeah. And then we're staying in the same hotel. And I went, yeah, I tried the hot dog. The best. And then, you know, whatever. I'll be like, yeah. And I don't know. World War I was really terrible. But World War II felt like it had like at least an ethical reason for happening. The best. World War II is the best? Yeah.

I just love that. I've always do that when I'm around him. The best. Anyway, you have this insane cast. Yeah. And but I love your the voice of this of this robot claptrap. Yeah. And it's a really it's

It seems like a new take. How would you describe Claptrap? Because it's actually very funny. Well, he's a helper robot that's kind of like the R2-D2 comic relief of the movie, but he's also...

got a bitter undertaste. Yes. Like he actually is an R rated tinge. He hates, he hates this mission. He hates this world. And he secretly hopes that everyone on this team dies, but he's programmed to help. So he's helping, but yeah, under protest.

And, uh, it was, it was a blast to do, but I do have to admit, I never went to the set. I did my whole role in a recording studio before they started filming. And, uh,

I had a great time doing that. You know, I love the voice work. It is the best. The best! The best! And I got, so I did that. And then a couple months later, I knew they were all in Bulgaria, just in the deep mire of these landscapes that are like hellish. Not that Bulgaria is hellish, but they found the hellish parts. Sure. Good save.

I got a DM on my Instagram message service from Jamie Lee Curtis because we follow each other. And she said, where the fuck are you? We're all here knee deep in the hellish shit.

And I find out you are in the, see me, you know, wherever you are in doing your recordings on the recording studio. And I said, I love you. And I am there in spirit. And I will see you on the red car pay.

But yeah, it's all love. Well, it looks super funny. I'm looking forward to it. And also interesting, you've done a bunch of video game related movies, Super Mario Brothers, movie Jumanji. I mean, this is a Minecraft, right? Yeah. And I know that you're no stranger to the world of video games. Video games. And you know my...

my son actually told me about your experiences with Hideo Kojima. Oh, yeah. That was crazy. I was in Japan and Hideo Kojima, why don't you jump in on this? Yeah, Kojima invited us to his studio. Hideo Kojima? Yeah, I think it's Kojima.

Kojima. Oh, finally. You listened to someone's pronunciation. And so we went to a studio and it was still super Death Stranding was super top secret and they ask you to be in the game and so you went in and got scanned. I was scanned and I... It was wild. But also there was a lot of

we'll let you, they would check the angle of what we were shooting because they didn't want us to see even the people that were at their screens working on the game in the background. It was so much, it was like I was in, you know, I was at the Manhattan Project while they were making the bomb and they were, they were like, yeah, okay, we're going to let you. The NDA was like a phone book.

It was crazy. It was insane. But it was really such a fun. I love I love being an Easter egg and things because you never know who's going to who's going to see it, who's going to get to that level. And suddenly Conan O'Brien's ruining their adventure. And I think in the game, what's great about in the game, if they talk to you and they follow your quest, they can get a special like hat made out of like raccoon skin that helps you swim faster. I mean, it's awesome. It's really it's a cool role. That was my request. OK.

And Hideo Kojima. Yes. Also, you hear about him having a collabs with some very big luminaries. Jordan Peele, you might have heard of. Yes. Is in there. And you also hear him mixing it up with who's the incredible filmmaker who did a splash of water, the feeling of water. Oh, Guillermo del Toro. Thank you. That's not the name of that movie either, by the way.

But some incredible filmmakers. And you see that crossover happening, right? With Hideo Kojima and the film industry. And I'm always fascinated by where those two worlds meet. Well, you're in it. I mean, you are... There's a world of video games. And one of the things that makes sense to me is that there's such great storytelling. My son is a fan of very good video games. And so...

I will through him experience what amazing storytelling there is. And so it makes sense that, that there would be movies, you know, you see some of these games and they do, they do come across super cinematic. Like, you know, I love me some rockstar games.

specifically Red Dead Redemption Part 2. And it's very much like a film, long-form film. And then you see some TV shows and movies that, well, only one really that comes to mind is that Black Mirror, the movie, what's that called? Bandersnatch. Bandersnatch. Yeah.

where it is a children's... Let's see the difference between the way Blay said it. Blay went, Bandersnatch. Yeah. And then you went, yes, Bandersnatch. There's a reason this guy's a star. That's a reason.

my stank filter uh and you it's a choose your own adventure and it's very much a video game and it's about video games and and you could see between uh red dead redemption 2 and bandersnatch they're both kind of bridging the gap between those two forms and i feel like that's the direction we're moving in it feels like video games are are kind of taking over that space and you can feel the

the movie industry kind of trembling under the, you know, the, the hooves of the apocalypse. The, the, the, the concept is,

I went off the rails. It's the seven horsemen of you. I guess you're right. Yeah. Um, yeah, well, I'm not going to let it go. Um, but, uh, yeah, you don't know. Maybe the future of movies is you deciding which way you want to go in the movie. But in the meantime, these movies about video games, please, before you make this very prescient point about where theater's going and movies. I mean, not all of them, but a lot of them, a lot of the movies based on video game, uh,

stories are huge hits and I think that's because of the audience, the young audience. Maybe you've noticed that the new generation of gamers worship you because of your... God, you're saying the nicest thing about me, but I have to wait while you masticate

An old apple. My sons worship you. They love them some Conan. And I wonder if you feel that in the world out there where it's like this new generation. Oh, that's definitely, I'm shocked and I often lecture them, you shouldn't know who I am. It's not just because of Kojima, but it's also because of this energy that you have. And I think it's the same thing that made the

the days when I first met you, Electric, is that this sense of adventure and this like throwing people out there out of a cannon. They can sense that vibe. No, it's, Jesus, I don't know. I don't know what's going on, but it is very interesting that when I walk around or when people walk around with me, it's

It's still in 1993, 15 and 16 year olds and 17 year olds like me. 2024. Yeah. People my age are like, aren't you dead? But you can feel what this is what I'm saying, that you can feel the liquidity of the industry where it's like TV and movies. People aren't even really watching them so much. And now it's Netflix is kind of and video games. It's a.

You can feel the shift. To me, it's about...

less about the delivery system. It's always been the delivery system you have to almost assume is unimportant. You just put your thing out there and there will be, like now we're doing this. And probably, in fact, Adam could say, but more people probably experience a pure hit of me this way than they ever would have if I was still doing a late night show. That was not the plan, but just keep doing your thing and you'll find the delivery system.

Does that make sense? I do.

Yeah. And I also wonder even sometimes when I'm not a hundred percent confident about the material that I have, part of me is like, it almost doesn't matter. What matters more is the energy behind the material. Like if you're coming in and that kind of loose relaxed way and you deliver it with an energy, I don't know where I'm going now. No, but that can all make a difference. But Brian Cranston was here and he said something really smart once. He said, uh,

I was talking about, you know, he's such an incredible actor. And he said, you know what? A really great actor can get

B material to a B plus, A minus material to an A, but they can't, the script is so important. Yeah. You know, that he said, if you give me a B minus script, I'm not giving you, the movie will not be an A plus or the performance will be, it just can't be. So you gotta. Okay. Then how come the funniest movie I ever saw was F's across the board? Yeah.

Did you ever check out The Room, for instance? That's the classic. But that's an example of...

That's just every now and then a meteor hits a tree, the tree flies up and the tree explodes into pieces and all the pieces reassemble into a Stradivarius violin. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen. Yeah. Said the guy who's pretty sure it's never happened. But that's an example of sometimes there's a happening, but you can't make that the formula. That can't be the formula. That's true. Yeah.

All right. I got to wrap this up because all the air just left your body and I worry about you. We did good. And I ate almost this whole apple. Yeah, you really did. And you know what? And guess what? Guess what? It was free. It's a free apple. You saw some free, a free apple and you got excited. I adore you. I love you. I love you too. You are, you've been a really funny, positive part of my life. And I,

I was just to get to hang out with you and have this today. It was just a joy. So thank you so much. I bow to you. And let's never, ever get on water buffaloes again. Ever. All right. Absolutely. Peace out. Looking forward to the next time we cross paths.

Let's not wait this many years next time. Let's get together. We'll do a social thing. How about I come in for no reason? Yeah. Where I got no movie to promote. Yeah. Next week. That's not how I roll. I never do that. All right. Peace out. Peace. Tupac. Tupac.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.

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