Claro Que Si
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Hello. Hi, Javier. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. I think I interrupted something. Oh, boy, did you? Just random craziness. Hello, Javier. How are you? Hi, Sona, Conan, Matt. Very nice to meet you. Very nice to meet you. And you are coming to us from where, sir? Uh,

I could say just Madrid. Okay. But that's where I'm from. But I live in a small town like 50 kilometers away. Okay. I don't know that in miles. All right. Neither do I. President Carter back in the 70s tried to get us to switch over to the metric system, and we just voted him out of office. So...

That was the right decision. Yeah. Other than that, he was a great guy, and I think he did a good job, but we just couldn't stand that. But you live outside. I want to say you live about, I'm going to say a 45-minute drive from Madrid. Do you think that's fair? Yeah. Very good. Yeah. You have a good eye for meters. Yes.

That could be all I have. Javier, tell me a little bit about yourself. What do you do? Who are you? Who is this man named Javier Gonzalez Noriega? Wow. That was that was Fernando. Full Fernando. Yeah. How do you like my Spanish? Have you heard me speak Spanish before? That's the thing. That's something we have to talk about seriously because it's good and you have some potential.

It could be better. - Yes, I think my Spanish could improve. I think one of my problems is I need to be in an immersive environment because when you just read books that are teaching you Spanish or relying on what I learned in high school, that's not gonna be good enough. - I'm fully in favor of immersion to learn languages. That's what I've done with languages. Languages are my passion.

And that's how I've learned, you know, by traveling and by talking to people as much as possible. Yeah. So that's what you need. Or I could get a surgical implant in my brain. I would prefer that because all the talking to people and traveling, that's time consuming. And do I really want to talk to these people? Probably not. So maybe an implant's another way to go. AI is just working wonders. If you ask your doctor, I'm sure that he'll say surgery, always the first option. So it's just...

So just go with that. Either way, uh,

I'm going to try. I'm going to try to improve my Spanish. I want it to be better. Awesome. Muy bien. Yes. Now, sí. Claro que sí. That's good. Sí, pero yo creo que no es importante. Pero en la gente, I like to start a sentence and then never finish it. That's just one of my favorite things to do. Es muy importante que el país, sí, pero... And then just trail off.

And I go, "Sí, sí, entiendo, sí." "Sí, sí, sí, lo entiendo, sí, sí." "Claro que sí." That's another thing. "Claro que sí." "Claro que sí." What does that mean, "claro que sí"? There you go. Of course. Yes, exactly. Yes, of course. I just love people say "sí" and I go, "Claro que sí." And then they think, "He's being an asshole." Like, "Oh, this is--" You barely need my help. Yeah, yeah. You're good. People say, like, "This is my son." And I go, "Claro que sí."

Like, who the fuck else is it going to be? And then they hit me. I get punched a lot when I'm in any Spanish-speaking country. Oh, dude. Yeah, too much Claudio KC. Let's try to avoid that. Or encourage it. Yeah, there. Javier, what do you do? Tell me how, what do you do for a living?

I work now for the past seven months, I've been working in tourism as a tourism information agent. I guess that's how you'd call it. So around the center of Madrid, there are peppered throughout it. There are like small offices, right, with a big eye and, you know, information point. And so tourists like next to the royal palace or in the center of the city. Right. So they see it. They walk up to us.

and they have questions. How can I get here? How much for the ticket to the museum? Can I get a map? You know, and you answer their questions. Okay. Do you ever have people that see the eye and they try to buy an iPhone from you? Does that ever happen where people mistake you for an Apple store?

So I just made a, just went, Oh no. It's a bad joke, isn't it? Let me see. Oh, you're going to check. Yeah. Cause I'm a professional. The data's already in here. One of the better jokes I've ever made. Incredible. Then I apologize. Yeah. Um, so tell me, so you were going to say, yeah, go ahead. So I was going to say that, uh, in answer to your question, uh,

And actually, recently the funniest thing that has happened to us, to me, was that an American, actually, I don't know where from, but he saw the eye. It's an information point, very clearly. And he walked up to me and he asked me if I sold, if we sold sunscreen products.

I'm tobacco. And I and I love that. I see all information point. Well, I mean, tobacco. I'm sure he has some. That's right. Very strange. What a weird thing to ask for. I thought, well, I guess this is what Americans do. I don't know. To clarify, no one's ever asked you for an iPhone. Yeah, that's OK. That's because. Oh, no, no. Sorry, I forgot to. No, no. Yeah.

It's a matter of time, I'm sure. Yeah, just a matter of time before I come up and ask you for an iPhone. Yes, exactly. To clear my name. Javier, you work at this tourist kiosk in Madrid. And one of the questions I have is, you must know patterns about different kinds of tourists. Who's easy to deal with, who's not easy to deal with. Can you tell us? What have you found? Well, here's the thing. One of the...

golden rules is that if you get people who are older than let's say you know in their 70s and they quickly find out that everything we give out like the maps and we have a little magazine and the brochures we give it for free and so they're gonna go oh give me that give me that and it's like okay so we run out of everything old people just want to take as much from you as they can

In this specific case, yeah. So that's something you've known. I don't mean like that in general. No, no, no, no. You would never say anything negative about old people in general. No. What you are saying is all the old people from around the world that come to your kiosk, waste your time and take as much free stuff as they can. They, I mean, yeah, you imagine putting yourself in their position. It's,

Wow. Free things. Even if you don't need it, you have to get it. Yeah. But what is, they've already been on earth longer than the rest of us. They've already enjoyed. Thank you. Thank you. Hey,

They've already enjoyed all of these resources. They got to have a malted milkshake in the 1940s and 50s. They got to do the Lindy Hop. They got to have all these fun adventures. They got to watch Happy Days when it first came on. I mean, come on. Did you say Lindy Hop? Yeah.

We're all stuck on you doing the Lindy Hop right now. But I'm sorry. I was following, but we don't have that in Spain. I've never heard of that. We don't have it here. No one's had it since. The Lindy Hop goes back to, I think, probably 1925. Okay, so not even my great grandpa knows. It was an insane thing for me to say, and I'm never going to live it down. You didn't just say it. You mimed it. Yeah.

Anyway, my point is these old people have been around for such a long time having so much fun and all they can think to do when they see this young, good-looking man at a kiosk is like, give me more! Give me more! I want it and I want it now. Especially, I have to say those are people, old people who live in Madrid. So they already know. And every month they go, hey, give me the new stuff. Yeah, man.

These magazines are just telling them the same thing over and over again, which is this is where this museum is. That's where that museum is. And they know it already. They live there their whole lives. It's like, why do you need this? Do you think they're building homes out of these magazines? They're taking so many. Or starting their own tourist kiosks. Yeah, they have their own kiosks. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that. And they're charging for it. Yeah, that's right. ♪

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Okay, that's weird. Or that last-minute local getaway when you just really need to get out of the city for the weekend but don't want to deal with the airport. You know, I have to say, I've used Airbnb a couple of times, and it always makes me feel like I'm at home even when I'm away. Do you have that, Herb? I do, too. I mean, you know, I have two small kids who are loud, and so when I'm in a hotel, I feel a little uncomfortable. Well, you're loud, too. Oh, yes. Okay.

Okay, yeah, we're all loud. And then in an Airbnb, I just feel much more comfortable traveling. You're not as self-conscious. No. Yeah, and also you're staying in someone's home. It's got that vibe of comfort, relaxation, normalcy instead of some stuffy hotel. Yeah. I don't want a mint on my pillow. Yeah.

Hey, Blay, you use Airbnb, don't you? I do. I love it. And I will say, staying in someone's place really does add a lot. I'm a huge Stephen King fan, and the last Airbnb I stayed in had this book, From a Buick 8, which is one of the few Stephen King books I haven't read. So I actually started reading it in the Airbnb. It was pretty awesome. And you know what I do sometimes when I'm at an Airbnb? I often travel with a picture of myself in a frame. Oh, boy. And I take it out, and I put it up, and it feels like home. Yeah.

I travel with my own framed headshot. Do you leave it there as a gift? No! That's mine. Those things are precious. So if you're booking a trip soon, my number one tip is to check out Airbnb first to find the perfect place to stay because your accommodation really does make all the difference. ♪

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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. What about different types of people, nationalities? Are there any that are more, I don't want to cause trouble here or an international incident, but are there some that are more problematic than others? Well,

Well, look, I mean, the entire world is listening to this interview right now. So I don't want to cause a diplomatic incident. Let's just say it's the Germans. Come on. No, it's not. What about a really, really old Frenchman? I won't deny you this.

Sona does a really good old French guy. Go. Hey, where is your pamphlet? Where are they? Everybody took it. Incredible. Did you know? Can you believe she never took an acting class?

Never took an acting class. I closed my eyes. I thought I was in Paris. Yes. It's incredible what she can do. Yeah. Yeah. Do your German guy. Go. That's just French. That's still French. No, no, no. That's still a French guy. I am so angry.

That's French. That's a French guy who maybe just has a German meal in front of him. I'm a German man and I like to eat. That's Swedish. Can you believe Javier never took an improv class, never studied dialects, and yet she's able to do this. I am a natural. I'm a student of the world. Let's hear your Seinfeld. So what do the people do?

Javier. That was dead on. Oh, my God. Jerry Seinfeld. What is the deal with all these people? Oh, my goodness. Well, talk to me. Thank you so much for that. Javier, you seem like a very nice guy, and I feel a friendship towards you. Do you think we would get along? Thank you. Do you think we would get along as pals? What kinds of things would we do together?

Hmm. I've been thinking a lot about this. This is a big question. I think you would love it in Madrid. It's a very fun, you know, big city, lots of things to do.

I've never been in LA, so I can't compare. But, you know, big city, a lot of stuff to do. Very vibrant. So I think you'd love that. And would we get along? I think so. I've been watching you. You were one of the first people that I watched when I was growing up and learning English. You know, watching on YouTube, like, clips of your show and Letterman. And so that's how I really started, you know. So...

I don't know, maybe if I meet you, I'll be surprised. I'm like, oh, not what I expected, but I don't think so. Well, I really don't think so. Thanks a lot out here. He could have lied and just said, yeah, we'd get along. Just say, sure, we'd get along great. We'll get along. He seemed like a fun chap. He seemed like a really nice amigo. And,

And then you're like, I might be disappointed. He couldn't even lie. Well, you're honest. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. And maybe I, you know, I don't know. I think, I think we could have a good time. We can hit the nightlife. I really think so. Are you someone, are you a single person or are you looking to meet anyone?

I am single. I'm looking to meet anyone. I mean, not anyone, but, you know, somebody. Yeah. You have standards. Literally anybody. Yeah. No. But yeah, I do have some standards. They're low, but, you know. He has low standards and he still wasn't sure about you.

Come on. That's not where I was going. That's true. You said I have very low standards, but I'll take anyone. You, I might be disappointed. No. Friendship-wise, I have high standards, but, you know, for our relationship, at this point...

Hey, me too. I was there, you know, I call it my warm body mode, you know. What was that? The Lily Hop again. You know, if you took me to the clubs, I might get recognized if we went to the clubs together. And then if I got recognized, people would come over and I might be a good wingman that way. I might attract people who would want to meet you.

That'd be great. Or I was thinking, I was imagining you, because I think the job I do, I think you would be a natural at it. You know, getting there, you're in that little, these little offices and people from all around the world come over.

and you get to talk to them for a little bit, you know, that's a perfect setting for you. I think I would be very good at that. I'm a good talker. I can talk with anyone. I can fake the language if I don't know it. A lot of it's just nerve. And I think I have a lot of nerve. I think I have a lot of... So I could just talk to tourists. Yes. I think I could probably do that. I think I could work a tourist kiosk. I do. And it's fair. He doesn't want you to be his wingman. Yeah.

I know. You know what I love? I do. No, no. Can we say something, Javier? I offered to be your wingman in a club and get you all these opportunities and you quickly switched to or you could work in the tourist kiosk for me.

So clearly you don't want me to be your wingman. I love it. You're going to take his place in the kiosk and he's out in the clubs. Yeah, you're going to be in the clubs hitting it and quitting it. And I'm going to be handing out pamphlets at a kiosk to Sona's French person. To old French men. Sona coming over. Give me a pamphlet. Where can I go to do this Lindy hop?

Javier, I like you and I think... Seriously, you'd be a great wingman, I'm sure. Javier, I think I could do that job. And you seem... He seems like a spectacular guy. He does. You really do. You're very... You're funny, you're accepting, you're honest, I think, to a fault about my failings. But...

I would I would like to be your friend. I really would. I think we could get along just fine. That'd be wonderful. And let me add something, by the way. I just today I watched you one of your interviews with Javier Bardem. Right. And and he said, I don't know, this was like five years ago. I don't know. And he said in it, hey, you should come over to Spain. And he and you were like, yeah, sure. Why not? Right.

Maybe that Javier didn't convince you. I'm here to be the other Javier who convinces you to come over. I love Javier Bardem, but I think you are another great Javier, equally great Javier Bardem. I thought you were terrific as a Bond villain. And in No Country for Old Men, you killed it. So I admire his hair.

Yes. No country for old men. That's like... Yeah, his Dorothy Hamill figure skater haircut. Good reference. Yeah, it's only 50 years later than Melinda. You know, can I ask you why you keep calling him Javier instead of Javier? Like Javier. Yeah. I was thinking...

I feel this entire interview, you've been pronouncing his name Javier. Oh, I'm sorry. Have I been doing that? Yes. Do you want to say it? Thanks for waiting to the end. Oh, thanks for waiting to the end. Eduardo can confirm. I thought I was...

Maybe I had it wrong. Javier. Javier. You're free to break in at any time and correct me. Do you yell at me when I do? No, I don't. Eduardo, we got this. Don't worry. Okay. Well, thanks. That's 40 hours of editing for him. Oh, I don't edit these. It's just weird. You saw the E and you're like, Javier. To be fair, there were a couple Javier's you snuck in there. So I thought, oh, he caught himself. I'm going to do a couple right now and then you can drop them in. Javier. Javier. Javier. Javier. Javier. Javier.

Now go fuck yourself. That's what I'm gonna put in place for every Javier. Yeah, each one's gonna be like, Javier, Javier, Javier, Javier, go fuck yourself. No, no, I meant all of it and then go fuck yourself. Javier. Perfect, perfect. I apologize. It's good to see how this works behind closed doors. Oh no, we're a mess. So I don't get to see all the pettiness behind it. Yes, yes. That's stupid. Never go into the kitchen.

of any fine restaurant. And this is not a fine restaurant. No. This is a Denny's. Well, anyway, I'm embarrassed, Javier, that we weren't on our A game today. But I will say this. It was really nice talking to you. Have a fantastic, I guess it's night now where you are?

It is almost midnight, yeah. Okay. Oh, wow. Well, if you have a spare 44 minutes, well, actually, this time of night, I'm going to say 32 minutes to drive into central Madrid, given how many kilometers, given that it's about 40 kilometers. God, he's good. And you can go and you can get yourself a cerveza.

you know... What else? Yes, I want to know. Maybe you could drift a little south and get some paella? How about some caviar? Okay. Caviar. We're out of time. Hey, caviar, that almost rhymes with my name. Caviar, very nice to talk to you, and thank you so much, and

I hope our paths... It was a real pleasure to me. I hope our paths cross soon. I hope so, yeah. You're always welcome here, the three of you. And Eduardo and Blay, everybody. No, no, no. Well, I'll be there, right boss? Yeah, if you pay your own way. Goodbye, sir. Take care. Okay. Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down there.

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