Charles and the Chocolate Factory
25:44 Share

Hey, check this out. 50 years ago, Sona, listen to this. Supercuts invented the entire concept of a value salon. Yeah. Okay? It meant you could walk right in, no appointment needed. Hello! In the old days. Hello, hello, Conan here. Can I get an appointment? Yeah!

No! This meant a special technique that ensured a great haircut, and it meant a price point just right for the common man or woman. Yeah. Okay? Now, I'm, of course, no common man, all right? But as I understand it, Supercuts has now invented something else. Supercuts Rewards. Supercuts Rewards is the first ever national salon rewards program. You earn points for every dollar you spend. Those points can be redeemed for discounts at Supercuts or even...

It says drum roll, but no. No, no, no. What is that? It's ridiculous. It just sounds like a bunch of little children running across a drum. Anyway, you get a free haircut. It can mean that.

You know, usually when someone says free haircut, I say, no, thank you. Yes. Do you know what I mean? But I think this is going to be a good haircut. If it's Supercuts, cut my hair. Yeah, Supercuts Rewards, that's a legit free haircut. Yeah. Start racking up Supercuts Rewards points at any of their 2,000 locations nationwide. 2,000 are joined today at supercuts.com. You get 50 points just for joining. So go ahead and get your butts back to Supercuts. ♪

Man, holidays coming up. Gets pretty intense, doesn't it? It does. Very intense. During the holiday season, it feels like you're packing a lot into every second. Everything gets compressed.

It's stressful. So much to do. That's why ADT spends all their seconds helping protect all of yours. While you're out, the ADT Plus app gives you complete control over who has access to your home. With the Google Nest doorbell from ADT, you can know for sure if that's Santa or Aunt Mildred at the front door. See, I'd be suspicious because I don't have an Aunt Mildred. It's Aunt Mildred. Thief! ADT has the largest number of companies owned 24-7 monitoring centers in the industry.

When every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com today or call 1-800-ADT-ASAP. Google and Google Nest Doorbell are trademarks of Google LLC. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit TeamCoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.

Hi, Charles. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Hi. Hi, Charles. How are you? Hi, Conan. Good. It's actually early in the morning over here. Okay. Well, that's how the world works.

I am in Los Angeles and you are in... I'm in the Philippines. Where in the Philippines are you? So I live in the capital, in the greater Manila, but the city itself is Quezon City. Okay. I'm not sure why I asked because...

It doesn't really mean much to me. I haven't been to the Philippines, but I want to know more. You should visit here. You think I should visit the Philippines? Yeah. It's quite nice over here. The people are friendly, good food. I've heard wonderful things about the Philippines. I'd like to know more about you, Charles. Tell me a little bit about your life. So I'm an engineer. Oh.

Oh, sorry. I'm not sure if you're hearing my dog in the background. Oh, when you said, I'm an engineer, oops, sorry, I thought a member of the secret police was behind you and that you're in hiding. You're whispering. Your dog's behind you and doesn't approve of your work as an engineer. Is that the idea? Probably. Oh.

So you're an engineer. What kind of engineering do you do? So I'm a mechanical engineer. I'm currently working for my uncle's factory. He's making candies right here in the Philippines. Your uncle, you work for your uncle and he has a candy factory. He's like Willy Wonka. Kind of, yeah. Are there rivers of chocolate and all kinds of waterfalls of gumdrops and things like that? No.

Sadly, no. There's just like generic factory stuff. Were there Oompa Loompas? Yeah. Not really. Not really? Why are you hesitating on that? What kind of an Oompa Loompa do you? Yeah, you said no immediately to rivers of chocolate and waterfalls of gumdrops. But then on Oompa Loompa, you're like...

Do you have an Oompa Loompa factory? Is that what this is? Yeah. I think that wasn't a cat behind him. It was an Oompa Loompa. Okay. I'm going to try and keep this, you know, clean and simple. Well, you're doing a great job. Yeah, thanks. Well, we've got a little bit of a lag, and, you know, we've got to make sure that everything edits together. Oh. Oh.

So, Charles, let me get this straight. You work at a candy factory that your uncle owns in the Philippines. Yes. Okay. And what kind of candies do you make? Well, we have two types of candies. We have bubble gums and then caramel candies. Ooh. Okay.

Wow, that's nice. I like both of those. I love bubble gum and caramel candies. Have you ever tried to mix the two together and make a bubble gum that has a caramel center? No, but I think my uncle did before, and he said it didn't taste really good.

Because the bubble gums tasted more menthol-y. And then the caramel tastes very sweet and caramel-y. And those two don't mix really well together. Well, wait. I'm sorry. I think your uncle screwed it up.

I think I have a good idea here. He just went the wrong way with it. That's all. And I hate to pick a fight with your uncle, but I think there's a way to combine caramel and bubble gum. I mean, this is my life's dream. I think there's a way to do it correctly. And I'd like to talk to you more about it.

I haven't seen any type of mobile gum that has caramel-like flavorings in it. Yeah, guess what? In 1850, no one had seen an automobile before. But then someone invented it, and the world changed. But I don't know why I'm so quiet after you said that.

Maybe, why don't you buy some bubble gum and a caramel and just try it out? Eat them together. Before investing in a machine. So, Charles, tell me, how is the candy factory doing? Is it thriving? Not thriving.

Not really. Since I started here like five years ago, it hasn't really gone off like really good. Well, what do you think? Yes. First of all, what do you think the problem is? Well, I think it's because of the lack of exposure with the public. So every time we approach distributors or customers regarding our products,

like our products, our candies, their initial reaction is like they're gonna say it's... No, it's still alive. It's like they're gonna say it's... I thought your products are already gone. Oh, so people...

Your candy factory has been around for a long time. You don't have good advertising and people think, oh, we thought those candies were discontinued. Is that the problem? Yeah. So actually our candy started way back during World War II. It actually started with my uncle's father. And then it went on after that. Isn't your uncle's father also your grandfather? Yeah.

Do I call him a grandfather? I think so. Am I wrong? I don't know. I think you think so. Yes, your uncle's father is your grandfather. Uncle by marriage, maybe? Is it? I guess I call him a grandfather. It's his aunt's husband. I see, yeah. It's your grandfather-in-law. Well, that was good that we cleared that up.

Charles. It's a bit confusing for me also. Yeah, well, and me now as well. Charles. Here to help. Charles, we have a simple story here. You are a man who is working for your uncle's candy factory. Your uncle's candy factory has been around for a long time, but it has become unpopular. How many employees work at this candy factory? Currently, we have like 19 of us. How many did there used to be? Hundreds. Oh.

Oh. Yeah. Okay. This is when the automated machines came into the... So before, they used to pack the candies manually. So they needed many people to pack them individually, wrap them around, and put them in boxes. But now, we have machines to do that. So we don't really need a lot of people to produce the candies. Yeah. But then, we also don't...

manufacture them every day. You don't make candy every day? Yeah. So it's only when we have orders or our stocks are declining that we manufacture more. Can you list me the name of some of your candies just so I get an idea of what these candies are called? So we have two types of bubblegum candies. So one is called Tarzan. The other one is called Texas.

Tarzan and Texas, do these bubble gums have anything to do with Tarzan or Texas? No. I'm not actually clear on how they came up with those names. So the names don't in any way link to how the gum tastes?

I don't know what Texas tastes like. Barbecue. Maybe, but I don't think so. I think it's random. I think someone back when this company was just starting said, let's call this one Tarzan and this one Texas, right? Kind of, yeah. So I think my uncle told me was,

His father came up with that name because he was, I think, more heavily influenced during the U.S. when the U.S. was occupying the Philippines. And he was working with an American company here in Manila. Okay. So your grandfather came up with these names at the end of World War II. So you're down with Hitler gum. Oh, Jesus. Yeah.

isn't a big seller. I'm just saying these are

These are antiquated names. The most catchy names. No. Down with Hitler. Yeah. We have a photo of the Tarzan gum, if you want to see it. Let's take a look. Yeah, let's take a look at the Tarzan gum. Oh, you do? Oh. Oh. But what does that have to do? And the colors are Christmassy. Yeah. So. Okay. Yeah. It's just to attract the, like, it's to attract children. So they'd like to be excited for it with the different colors. Yeah.

But they all taste the same. Oh, wait, they're different colors, but they all taste the same. And it's called Tarzan. And the catchphrase is put an ape man in your mouth. Yeah, okay. I don't know. I just think that it's confusing. Do you understand? It's very confusing, yeah. It's confusing. And is this because does your uncle want to change things up and maybe...

Make things better? Make the marketing a little better? It hasn't really come up. I've pitched him the idea of having a commercial or just having more exposure to the public. But we haven't gone past that. So there's no actual plans for it. We're just talking about it. Is he stuck in his ways, do you think? Sometimes that happens with...

Older people, they get stuck in their ways. And then some young punk like you comes along and says, hey, maybe we should change things a little bit. And he's like, hey, is that what's happening?

I don't know. I guess so. I mean, I think he wants to keep the legacy of the products going. I mean, when people hear about the Tarzan or Texas candies, they immediately know what it is. But the problem is,

Only the older generations know about it and the younger generations, not so much. So how old are most of your customers? Well, I think the late 50s, 60s. Hmm.

Yeah, that's a problem. That's a problem. Yeah. Because... Not a lot of bubble gum chewing 60-year-olds. No. Because the first thing that goes are the teeth. Yeah. Oh. And you can't really, you know, just chomp on that stuff without teeth. Wow. They're not like 90. You're 60. Yeah, my teeth are gone. Those are implants. That's all bubble gum. Yeah. Those teeth. Yeah.

Maybe it's time to do like a throwback campaign, you know, nostalgia and stuff. Yeah, I was actually, I was thinking about those types of campaigns, but only I've tried only like trying those through Facebook posts. No videos though, just like pictures and stuff. I'm going to disagree with my friend Matt here, and this is very rare because I respect his opinion. But wait a minute. Which Matt? Oh, it's me. Jesus. Um,

It's a great, it's a classic bit, Charles. This is what I think. I think you need to make immediate hard play for the youth. I think you have to. I think you have to do something that's going to get younger people interested in the candies.

And by the way, I love the way you say candies. Don't you? Yeah, I do. I like it. Yeah, I think the more you say candies, just keep saying candies. It's great. Candies, candies. Oh, it's just fantastic. He says it normally. But it's sweet. It has a sweetness to it. You should be in a commercial. Yeah, you're a pitch man. You should be in a commercial and say, buy our candies. The way you say it is very sweet. ♪♪♪

There's nothing quite like the feeling of an upgrade when you're traveling. Well, as a T-Mobile customer, you can take the perks with you. Check this out. Whether you're going on a weekend getaway to the mountains or let's say you're on a dream vacation or in my case, a work trip to Thailand. It's just fantastic. Let me explain.

It starts the moment you take off with free in-flight Wi-Fi so you can stream your favorite show on the go. I mean, that's incredible. That is actually pretty sweet. I love that. I mean, that's insane. I'm always there with my credit card. You know, I can't figure it out. I lose the credit card. The phone is stolen. Someone punches me. You start crying.

I'm crying. I cry a lot. When you land, T-Mobile's got you covered with 15% off all Hilton brands and an upgrade to Hilton Honors Silver. Plus, you're covered with five gigabytes, five gigabytes, that's more than four, of high-speed data in over 215 countries and destinations with the Go 5G Plus or Next plans. These are just a few of the perks that feel like big wins when you travel with T-Mobile.

And it's nice to stay connected to your family. I travel a lot. I do these travel shows. And if I'm filming another country, I know I can get to my family right away. They usually don't want to speak to me, but they have to. They screen your calls a lot, don't they? I suspect them of screening, yes. Yeah.

Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel today. Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi where available on select U.S. airlines. Registration and Hilton Honors membership required for Hilton Honors Silver. Terms and conditions apply. ♪♪♪

This message is brought to you by BetterHelp. It's going to take a second to give a shout out to some of the people. I'm going to say two people in my life who helped me out a lot because they listened to me. My wife, Liza, amazing. And you, Sona. You listen to me when I'm low. Yeah. You make fun of me a little bit, but then when you see that I'm really low, you talk to me because you've known me a long time. That's true. Well, this month is all about gratitude and along with thanking the

The people say I've mentioned, it can be someone, a friend, it can be family. In my case, it's both. There's another person we don't get to thank enough and that's ourselves. Yeah. Okay.

It's something hard to remind ourselves that we're trying our best to make sense of everything in this crazy world. It's not easy. Be nice to yourself. If you're thinking of starting therapy, I think you should give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and then you can switch therapists anytime for no additional cost.

That's huge. Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Conan today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Conan. As a B2B marketer, you know how noisy the ad space can be, don't you, Sona? So many ads. Yep. They're all over the place. Yeah. If your message isn't targeted to the right audience, it just disappears into all that noise. Yeah. It's like dropping a coin down a fountain. You never hear that splash. Mm-mm.

Down a fountain or a well? Shut up. With LinkedIn ads, you can precisely reach the professionals who are more likely to find your ad relevant. I wish someone would find me relevant. With LinkedIn's targeting capabilities, you can reach them by job title, industry, company, and more. You'll have direct access to and building relationships with decision makers, a billion members. That's a lot. 130 million senior level executives, 10 million C-level executives. Stand out.

with LinkedIn ads and start converting your B2B business into high quality leads today. They'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash team Coco to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash team Coco. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be dot, dot, dot to be. The new Sonic Queso Smasher is now available. You're going to want to try this.

They made the Sonic Smasher you love, because you do love your Sonic Smasher, don't you, Sana? I love Sonic Smashes and I love queso. Yeah, well, guess what? They took the Sonic Smasher you love and they added the new creamy queso in hand smash patties made to order. Just makes my brain explode. I just saw your brain explode and queso came out. The Sonic Queso Smasher is the perfect combination of Angus Patties, creamy queso, jalapenos, and a Southwest aioli.

Sounds like juicy goodness to me. All that's left to do is choose a double or a triple. Make mine two triples. That's a sextuplet. The new Sonic Queso Smasher. Live free, eat Sonic.

Tell me if I'm wrong. I think we have to make a hard play for the youth. Okay. And I think even if it's illegal, we have to say like, it's Taylor Swift bubble gum. We have to use a name that young people is Taylor Swift big in the Philippines.

She's big in the Philippines. Yeah, she's big everywhere. A lot of people actually wanted to see her perform a show here in the Philippines. Yeah. But she didn't. So everyone flew to Japan or Singapore just to see her. Yeah, well, I would have told Taylor to go to the Philippines, to go to Manila and play a big show. You would have told her? Yeah. How? How and when? She listens to me. We're tight. Oh.

By tight, I mean I've listened to her music and I enjoy her work. Charles, I do think you need to, and we may be getting in trouble with the law here, but it's worth it, don't you think? To maybe say it's Taylor Swift bubblegum

You know, and then we name some of the gum and the candies after some of her songs. This is the bad blood or this is the all too well gum. Yeah, people love a candy called bad blood. No, but I, you know, no, I think I think we need to do something drastic. We need to.

Make a campaign that appeals to the youth of the Philippines and we put your candy back on the map. And I think we have to do it. Don't you think? Yeah, I think that's a great plan. Yeah. Now, do you have a lawyer? Yeah, I think we will. We're contracting a law firm, but we haven't used them for legal stuff. Well, when you do my... What do you use them for?

What do you use them for? For naming the kids. It's a bunch of 90-year-old lawyers. Oh, wait. Call it after Tarzan. Kids love Tarzan. Are these the Oompa Loompas? Is that what's happening here? Charles. Oh, my God. Charles. Yeah.

You're going to need lawyers because some of the stuff I'm suggesting may incur some lawsuits. Again, I'm indemnified. I'm just a guy giving you suggestions. But I do think you need to do something to get the youth involved in your candy. Okay? Yeah. I think my uncle won't be on board with that. Well, let me ask you. He shouldn't be. Maybe it's time to, you know.

Take him out. Yeah. What? What? Just a little, you know, a little Shakespearean kind of... Yeah. One bad blood candy and he's out. Hey, Charles.

Charles, it just occurred to me what you need is a celebrity endorsement by somebody who's big with the youth. Here I am. And I have, you know, why am I? But seriously, what if I mean, I would be happy to endorse the candy. Am I a big hit with the youth in the Philippines? To be honest, maybe not so much.

You haven't been on air here in the Philippines since the early 2000s. Charles, we keep telling him he's currently on the air. Don't do that. Wait, hold on a second. Charles, it's called the internet. I'm all over the internet. There's pornography and then there's me.

I'm all over the internet. So don't tell me... Don't you guys get the internet? We do. So if they search your name on YouTube, they'll see you. But then... Well, before you... We watched your show on television. You were being shown in one of the local channels here in the Philippines. But then after that, you disappeared. Yeah.

Yes, so I'm no longer on TV in the Philippines. Well, we saw your show again when you went back in HBO. Yes. We call it Max. Max. Yeah, you're getting on him about branding names. This rolls off the tongue, Max. So, Charles, you're saying that maybe the youth in the Philippines...

Maybe I'm not the one. Who do you think is a bigger star in the Philippines? And be honest and think about it. Don't just blurt it out. Really think about it. Me or say Taylor Swift. Well, Taylor Swift's a big name. Everyone knows Taylor Swift. Do you want to think about it some more? Do you want to get back to me? I want to say Conor, but...

You might get disappointed if you come here and then no one recognizes you. I'm sorry. No one recognizes you.

Not even people who watched you in the 2000s. Not even Charles. Charles, why did you? Charles, can I remind you that you called me? Charles, you called me. Yeah. Why did you call me? Why didn't you call Taylor Swift?

I don't have her number. Maybe you could connect me with her. Oh, so now you want to use me to get to Taylor Swift. Oh, that is so low, Charles. So just because, okay, that is the lowest of the low.

Well, I was I want. No, don't be sorry. You're being honest. And I appreciate that. And I think you're saving me a lot of disappointment. You know, I don't know, Charles. I I'd like to help save your candies. I really would.

And I do think- We could put you and Taylor Swift in the commercial if you want. She won't agree to that. Yeah, she's not going to work with me. And that's been made clear before. She shouldn't. Well, for whatever reason, there's a cease and desist. Charles, I want to try and help your candy company. I really do.

I really do. I think you guys are stuck in the past. You said that your company's slogans and whole marketing campaign was invented at the end of World War II. And that was a long time ago. We don't actually have a slogan to think about. Oh, no. Wait, you don't have a slogan? It gets worse. There's no slogan. Yeah. Give him a slogan. I don't think so. Well, I mean, first of all, we got to get you a slogan.

Right? Don't you think? Have you thought at all about a possible slogan? How about we don't actually have a slogan as a slogan? It's actually hard to make a slogan with the Tarzan in Texas name. No, no. Well, we could change. Would your uncle be open to changing the name of some of the candies and maybe going with a new advertising campaign? Would he be open to that? Um...

I'm not so sure. Probably. What if I talk to him? Yeah, I think you can convince him. I'm very convincing. I think I could talk to your uncle and say, we have to change this. I mean, you're down to 17 employees. You used to have hundreds. Okay? Yeah. And now, I mean, your youngest customer voted...

voted for Eisenhower in the American elections. You can't, this has got to stop. We've got to turn this around. It's time. I know. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You don't seem as desperate as I want you to be. No,

No, I've been desperate. That's why I called you. You're not coming across as desperate. You're giggling a lot. You seem kind of happy. You're speaking very quietly. You're saying candies in a delightful way. I'm not getting desperation. It is zero hour. We have got to do something. Yeah, help us, Conan. Well, I will. I'd love to help you. If we can agree on a fee.

we may have to sell off most of the factory to pay my fee. Oh, well, this is a little awkward. Well, you're going to pay it. There's nothing you can do about it. My uncle will talk to you about it. Yeah. I've got some guys that'll rough up your uncle. What are my guys come by? Um, I'm rooting for you. I like you, Charles. You seem like a nice guy. Do you have a family, Charles?

Yeah. Actually, I have a brother and then my parents are still here. And I'm rooting for you guys because I'd like to turn things around for you. I want your candy company to be the biggest candy company in the Philippines. I hope so, yeah. What's your competitor? Who's the big candy company? Actually, there's a bigger company called Columbia.

And they sell a different type of candy. So they have like menthol hard candies. Menthol hard candies. You know, I think this is a... I don't know why they're in the lead if they're selling basically a cough drop. I think... I just think this is an easy assignment. I think...

I'm a good leader, Charles, and I'm an innovator. I'm a visionary, and I know how to brand. I think I could come into Manila, and I could turn your candy company around. I really do. I hope so, yeah. That would be the dream. Okay.

Do you trust me? Yeah. Will you listen to me? Will you listen to my advice? Yes. Will your uncle listen to me? We'll convince him. Anybody? What do you think? Do you think I could do this? Do I think you can go to a candy factory and make it...

Bigger and better. Big, big hit. No, I don't. I don't think you can do it. I'm sorry. No, I don't think you can do it. Do you think you can do it? Yes. Oh, OK. I've never. I think you can do it. It's by copyright infringement. That's your plan. Yeah. I think by the time the Taylor Swift organization is huge. Yeah. They've got a lot to worry about.

by the time they catch on to this Manila candy company, you know what I mean? You'll have so much money you won't know what to do with it. All right? And then you and I scram. We take off. Okay? And we leave your uncle holding the bag. And he has to answer to the Taylor Swift people. Actually, there's a... I just remembered there's actually a Taylor Swift impersonator here. Well, she's...

She's more like a drag impersonator of Taylor Swift. That's fine. So maybe we use that person. That's perfect. Maybe we can use her. Her name's Taylor Sheesh. Yeah, well...

Taylor shish. So basically, Taylor, shut up. Okay, well, that's terrific, Charles. We have all the ingredients we need. Okay, I'm coming. I'm going to get a Taylor Swift impersonator. We're going to violate Taylor Swift's copyright. We're going to turn this candy around and make it a big deal. And then, correct me if I'm wrong, there are thousands of islands in the Philippines, right?

Yeah. When things, when the heat comes, you and I take the money and we go and we hide out on one of those islands and we live like kings. Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. I just told you the most innovative heist scheme of all time that involves you radically changing your life and hiding forever with a red haired madman on a tiny island in the Philippines and living under my tyrannical rule. And you say, yeah, sure.

Well, the beaches here in the Philippines are very nice, though. Okay. We're going to do it. All right. Well, I hope we can make this work out. I'll do my best, all right? I hope so. Okay. Yeah, just try and calm down. Meanwhile, if you have any stock in your company, I might consider selling it. Yeah. I wouldn't do that. You got to believe in me, okay? I've never ruined a candy company in the Philippines before. Okay.

That's maybe the new slogan. First time for everything. Yeah. All right. Well, you take care, Charles. It's been nice talking to you. Thanks for having me. I hope I'll see you soon here. You never know. You never know. You won't even know because I don't think you know what I look like. Bye. Bye, Charles. Thanks, Charles. Bye-bye.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.

Want the same expert advice you get from the pros in the store while shopping online at DiscountTire.com? Meet Treadwell, your personal online tire guide that matches you with the perfect tire for your vehicle. Get your best match in one minute or less with Treadwell by Discount Tire. Let's get you taken care of. At Amica Insurance, we know it's more than just a house. It's your home, the place that's filled with memories. The early days of figuring it out.

to the later years of still figuring it out. For the place you've put down roots, trust Amica Home Insurance. Amica. Empathy is our best policy.