Melissa McCarthy & Ben Falcone
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Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi.

Hi. And we have returning Melissa McCarthy, but now very exciting, one of my oldest friends in L.A., Ben Falcone. Yes, the duo. Ben has been more and more in my life now. He's lovely. And I just like it so much. I'm reminded.

What a sweet boy Ben Falcone is. You'll hear he's a little bit of a fraidy cat and it's really cute. You know what I wish he had done is brought his guitar, sang and played for you. He has the most beautiful voice and he's a great guitar player. And a lot of his sketches were singing and they were so good. Oh,

Oh my God. He and I wrote a song once called Kaleidoscope and we would spell out the whole thing. That was, okay. Okay. Melissa McCarthy, of course, Bridesmaids, Gilmore Girls, Spy, Ben, Bridesmaids, Tammy. He directed four or five of their movies together. Yes. And they have a new podcast called Hildy, The Barback, and the Lake of Fire.

It's so fun. Comedic Game of Thrones, scripted podcast, very well done, very funny. So everyone check out Hildy the Barback in the Lake of Fire. And this episode is also on video on YouTube if you want to watch it because there's some fun visuals today. That's right. They showed up in quite a stunning combo of outfits. Please enjoy Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone.

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Ben, you as well. This is a very cute look for you. Oh, thank you very much. I'm kind of crazy about it.

It's shocking to me you haven't been cast in a period piece. Well, there's still time. There's still time. And McCarthy, you look beautiful, right? Oh, well, thanks. I said to Melissa, really quick, do you call her McCarthy mostly? I call her McCarthy or Mooch. He's called Mooch for 20-some years. I did not think my betrothed would be like, hey, Mooch! When did I become like a Milwaukee bowler? Her habit, though, is we could be talking for 25 minutes, and then the minute

I leave. I'm like, okay, but I go use the restroom, whatever I'm going to do. Hey, Ben. That's when she remembers. I'd like to say that's not true, but it's like 100% true. The second he's walked away. Oh, hey, Ben.

Hey, Ben. And your nickname for Ben is Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben. Yeah, I'll say Bell a lot too because it's shortest. And also where I grew up, everyone went by last names. That's how you knew you were a really good friend. Did you guys do that? I did. No, nobody has ever really called me.

That's difficult to do with a lady nail. Yeah, you have pretty lady nails on. And a really long... Oh. What is that thing? It's just fingers.

Oh, my God. I mean, your basic stuff. Also Amazon, or that's from a real collection? This is real. Everything on me, I'm probably hiving under this. It's brought to you by Bezos, really. You guys are going to be rubbing salve cortisone on each other tonight. So much, I'll be like, I don't know what that bump is. That's definitely irritating. Tell me it's not a boil, Bayon. No.

Ban. Ban. Ban. For people who are only listening, you should give a context of what's happening. Oh, yes. Yes. So Ben and Melissa came adorned in, I guess, medieval, middle ages. Yeah. Garb. Yeah. And I got to say right out of the gates, I thought for sure yours, McCarthy. Yes. You had spent a fortune on it because it looks couture. It really does. It looks really nice. It does.

I mean, it's like you put enough random pieces together and you just might get something. You've kind of piecemealed this. This is like one body suit over another. It's like I'm wearing Dua. Wow. And just in my, I guess, crotch panel. Crotch plate. Just to keep it more classy. And protected. Yeah.

Those middle ages, they were coming hard for you. Yeah, they were coming after the crotch. This area was in danger. So, Melissa, I don't even know how I would verbally describe this, but you're in kind of faux chain mail with fluorescent under scaling. It's a lime green unitard. Uh-huh. And then over that, I've put, in my head, it was supposed to look like dragon. Yes, it looks like dragon.

Dragon. Scales. Scales. And then finger bedobbles. And nice leather shoulder plates. It's really true. A big cross section of leather across the breasts. So it's medieval with like a whisper of gimp. Yes, it really does look like the famous gimp outfit. Much more artistically. Thank you. Thank you. That's what I was going for. You look like a learned man from the Middle Ages. Yeah, I should have like a pipe and a big book. Yeah.

Yeah. You can read and you're good with letters. Yeah. And papaya. Papaya. I meant papaya. I thought you were just going to relax fruit. Dax always kind of distinguishes personalities by fruit. Specific fruit moments. You know McCarthy. She's a real banana. That's what I'd say about you. I wouldn't if I had to pick a specific. What would you? Now this is a fun game. Kiwi. Kiwi.

I'm a kiwi or you're a kiwi? You're a kiwi. I'm a kiwi. Yeah, yeah. Furry? No. Well, I said that because that's my favorite fruit. It's so sweet and yummy, but also mild. It's a milder fruit. It is a milder fruit. It is, right? Also, I just watched something where someone's like, oh, you're missing out. You should be eating the outside too. And I was like...

No. I don't think so. Oh, absolutely not. No. No, but they were like, you're missing all this good. I'm like, I'm not eating fur. I don't want that. Yeah. Also, did you have a sketch at somewhere that you said a big hit of Kiwi? Because our friend Jess says that all the time, and I believe it's you. Well, their friend Jess as well. Which is a ding, ding, ding. Your friend Jess is a giant thing. Giant tall Jess. We just saw him not too long ago. Affectionately known as Giant Jess. Yes. He's a banana. He's a banana. Yeah. Yeah.

Is he a banana? With that height? No, I don't see him as a banana. No, he's a carrot. Well, that's not a fruit at all. You're right. This is embarrassing. Wow. It's really easy to get it wrong in this game. I feel like people are going to be offended by whatever you say. I suggest it could be a pineapple. Like that. Prickly? No, a plume. Yes. A plume on top. And pineapple's delicious? Very. Oh, by the way, Ben eats people.

Could not think of the word cannibal to save my life. I was like, he does that thing where people eat other, you know when people eat people? I don't even remember where I was going. Cannibalism. Cannibalism. Okay, all this is because you guys have

a podcast, which is, well, let's me just start by saying it's interesting that you got into the podcast space in the hardest possible way to do it, which is- That's our way, Dan. Holy scripted. Oh, it's a terrible idea. So hard. Super produced. Incredibly well done, I'll add. I keep thinking I'm bumping into something and it's my horns are squeaking on my head.

I don't know how long I can go with the horns. I'm going to have head hives for sure. Oh, yeah. I just have a big line of sweat across here. Maybe table that for a second. Okay. But yeah, the amount of work on your plate is hefty for this. Yeah.

super high work effort. Cost us a good little bit. Hard to break even. We're in the studio. No one's part of it. Just us. Sure, sure, sure. Really wrote something that is incredibly visual, but you'll never see it. So really, you stack that deck up and you're like, wow. We were like, two wrongs don't make it right, but what about like six? It was so poorly

done. I actually think it's fantastic, but it's just so much work. What was really shocking is that just, we kept asking people to do it. We were like, will we even get through the explanation? And then it was pretty shocking when people were like, oh yeah.

Who are you most nervous to approach? Because you have Glenn Close. That one seemed really nerve wracking to explain what this would be to her. She's so funny and loves like a weird thing. So I was like, I think this might be right in close as we are. What was interesting was you're out of town. So you zoomed in and said, hi, I have met Glenn a couple of times just at functions and stuff. But at first it was,

We have a very quick VO for you to do. And then I was like, what if she actually wants to do something fun? So that morning I went in super early and wrote five pages. So her stuff gets more and more and it develops with Octavia as it goes. But what I found was I was so glad I did because she really wanted to do more.

She's incredible. I don't want to say anyone's the best part, but I was like, wow, she fucking brought it for this. And then I assumed you guys are super close. You're not. We have not worked together. We're trying to work together, but we've known each other for years. A crossroads in my life. She was in town. We were going to go out to dinner and we were talking about two different things. And then before we got off the phone, after we said, oh, let's have dinner tonight. And she's like, can I stay over tonight? I leave in the morning. And I was like...

Yes, you can, Glenn! Yes, you can! And I literally was like, Glenn, we're close to seven. All right!

And I was in Australia, so jealous. I was like a little bit out of body. Just the two of you? Were you with the kids? I was with the kids, yeah. It was just you two in the home. And I was like, absolutely, you can. At any moment with no advance notice, Glenn can sleep at my house. Here's the key to the home. Feel free to use it or not. So first you guys went out to dinner and it was a fun dinner. Fun dinner. Cocktails. Cocktails.

Everyone's relaxed. Super relaxed. She's really funny. We're talking about all this stuff, going off on random stories. Great dinner. And then we got in jammies and said goodnight. It was wonderful. Okay, so no post-dinner in jammies. Was there any TV or anything? No, there wasn't.

No, there wasn't because we got home pretty late and she was leaving really early in the morning. Jax always thinks when girls have sleepovers, they fuck. That's where this was from. I thought pillow fight was going to be said. I didn't anticipate. Well, that's obviously one of the stepping stones en route to the ultimate. What if you'd have gotten a call from McCarthy and she said,

Ben, I did fuck Miss Close last time. I need you to know this. I'd be like, all right. Yeah. I'd be like, I get it. I mean, I get it. She's wonderful. But I always want to know, where did that start, like, typically?

I know. Never in my life. The only time I've probably hit someone with a pillow was like my sister and I fighting. And I was like, I'm going to fucking knock your block off. Yeah, yeah. It's not flirty. Yeah, and I've never, to my knowledge, tickled one of my friends. Well, we know where it came from. It came from movies that guys wrote. Yeah, for sure. What they dreamed was happening. That's my question. Why is that like, man, I'd love to see her tickle her. No, no, no.

- We're tickling her. - Pick up the pillow. Oh my God, he's gonna hit her with the pillow. Oh my God, hit her so soft and hard with the pillow. - Oh, God. - Hit her soft and hard, but then too soft, and then. - Too soft. - Too soft. - She doesn't like it, Gale doesn't like it.

She wants more. Harder. Oh, Gail. No. I want Dax to write that full scene. If I wrote an entire movie, it takes place at a pillow fight. And it's just one escalating tickle pillow fight. But then there's a danger element because one of the women has a foam pillow, so it's more weaponized. Yes, the one that's the hypoallergenic member of the crew. I'm waiting to get this script. Okay. I do have you playing a very pivotal role. Am I the pillow? Yes.

Is there a thing about Glenn that you kind of latched on to that you like about her? Is she mentory to you? She has never taken a wrong turn. And she has such a long career. And I remember seeing Dangerous Liaisons. She broke my brain.

There's that moment toward the end when she stands up and she gets like jeered by the audience. Before you could do CGI stuff, you see her through her white makeup, her cheeks really flush red, and it's on camera, which means she started in one thing and then...

fully flush red within the take. And I remember being like, not scared me, but I just couldn't conceive of your emotions being so powerful that it's physical. I latched onto that of something to strive for, that you're so in it in reality that it's coming out physically. Yeah, because you can fake crying a bit. There can be, what do they put it? Menthol and stuff. Glycerin stuff. And presumably people can just start crying. But yeah, making your cheeks flush, that would be better than

wiggling your ears. That'd be crazy control. It's crazy control and then crazy out of control all at the same time. Octavia is an easy pitch. We had Octavia since we've had you and it was so much fun. Who met Octavia first? You did, yeah, Melissa? We met her at

the same time at Groundlings. Did you guys have early levels together? Yeah, we met in lab. So we were writing stuff and Tate was in that class. And that's when we started seeing Octavia. Octavia would come to watch the shows when we were at the Groundlings. And her laugh was so infectious and crazy because she does have the best laugh in the universe.

that the shows would go better yeah and then we started getting panicky and we would call tate and be like your friend's coming right i've got a new sketch to put in so she started coming more and more and more and when she was in the audience she has such a big laugh but it's not it wasn't fake it wasn't fake and it just makes everyone else be like oh this is wonderful so we were like stacking the deck yeah she rises the whole tide yeah okay so we all met

I'm not sure since we never had classes together. It was like between levels, right? God, what year is that? This would have been mid to late 90s. I'm just wondering how we ended up all in a group together, yet I don't think I had had classes with anybody. I don't know. And what was it called? The Barry Foote something? No, we were the House of Floyd. Oh, House of Floyd. Weren't we the House of Floyd? Remember we did a show at the Coronet Theater and we had to cancel a show because no one showed up. Yeah. One guy showed up in there. And you guys made me go out.

outside to tell him we can't do the show for one person. Because we were doing this artsy thing of like, well, there's one member of the audience. Do we need to do the show? And Melissa's like, no! Then I had to go out and tell him and he wasn't like, oh, I get it. He was like, well, this is ridiculous. I bought a ticket. I'm like, it's a 300-seater seat on

audience and you're the only one we can't do. He was so mad at me. Was it sketch or improv or both? Sketch. I think that was sketch. Yeah. I can't remember any sketches from that. Did you do your grocery guy? Yeah, we had a sketch where we fell in love.

Yeah, you were the grocery guy and you were... You were doing samples. You were handing out samples. Weirdly, that's a chestnut I pulled out quite often. I have always been obsessed in real life with people handing out samples at a grocery store. And I think I've written like multiple sketches about it. Because why? What's their psychology? I like having surprise snacks. You're around the corner and someone's like, would you like to try this Colby cheese? And I'm like, sure as shit.

Yeah. Or like a summer sausage thing. And you're like, I would like a piece of summer sausage. My dad's weekend was planned around going to Costco on the day where they had many, many samples. And he got in numerous fights with other people who were either trying to get too many samples or maybe he was trying to get too many samples. He was asked to stop coming to his Costco because he had been in so many dustups over the samples. Yeah.

See? And I was visiting one time. He goes, let's go up to Costco. I'm going to bring you with me. I bet they'll let me in. Oh, my God. What a wonderful. Was this when you were sort of a celebrity person? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you'll get me into Costco. The Costco he had been asked to not. Of all the wheels you want greased, it's like, can you get me into that Costco? I'm banned.

That's wonderful. That's pretty good. This is a fun opportunity for me to ask about your guys' original love affair because I was very much in the group. You guys had a secret love affair. Do you remember it being secret? Clandestine? It was fairly clandestine, especially you were right there when we just were starting to go out or not. Yeah, because it was that thing of we were all friends and then you didn't want to be like, well,

maybe we've started smooching. We didn't know how to bring it up. And then what if we brought it up and then it went away? Yeah. And then I also thought, oh my gosh, what if this doesn't work out? Ben's like my best friend. And what if this screws it up? And then Mike McDonald. He busted you or he busted us? He busted us at the snake pit. I think it's still there.

Maybe on Melrose. Yeah, it's on Melrose. Not far from ground. That's where you went after class. We always go there after class. And Mike McDonald, there's probably like 10 of us around a table and just would not drop eye contact with me. And literally, he kept looking at Ben and then staring at me. And then he made some rather pornographic hand gestures. He did. And he said, I know. Oh. And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. He cornered you. No, he never moved from the table. So it's like everybody's talking and he's just like this. And I was like, no!

I'm not talking to you. And he's like, I know. Cat's out of the bag. Cat's out of the bag. Cat's out of the bag, guys. So you've been married for 19 years, but you were together for how long? 19 to... Tonight. Tomorrow.

What if your anniversary fell on us tonight? It's the only anniversary that came in the evening. Not the beginning of the day. Wait, tomorrow's your anniversary? Yeah, 19 years. Of wedding. Of wedding, yeah. We might have a same anniversary or if not really close. I'm not sure on our date, but I know it's October. And how many years? 11 married. We've been together, what, 26? Yeah, we dated a while before that.

Were you guys like writing sketches at your house? And then here we go. A hand, you know, there's like, oh, my pen. I dropped it. Oh, wow. Well, so you're writing your own version of Dax's pillow stuff. Are you going to go into a pillow fight scenario? She's going to do a wedding session movie. Tickling each other. We tickled our way into two children. Speaking of tickling, because you did ask, why is that hot? I kind of get why tickling is hot. Oh, tell me. Because it's like that loss of control.

Ooh. Oh. Okay. A little bit adjacent. Tickling is orgasm adjacent. If someone's truly tickling you, you can't do anything but be tickled. I'm going to try that too. Give it a whirl.

Ben just blacks out. Oh, that went. That did not go as planned. You have your special feather that you got off of Amazon. You know, I wonder if people have ever tried to coordinate that. Well, David Ferrier's movie tickled. Have you guys ever seen that documentary? No. No, but I've heard about it. It's creepy. It's creepy.

The premise was he noticed these videos online and the premise was like competitive tickling. And then he noticed, well, all the participants are 17 to 19 year old, very buff boys. So that's interesting that they're the only ones that are into this competitive tickling. You go to like a meet. You would have a tickle off in a room. And he's like, something stinks here. And he started investigating. It turns out there was this man in New York who was funding all this. And really, he just wanted videos of people.

young athletic boys tickling each other. And then he spends a great deal of time tracking this man down. And he's, of course, very weird. And then he starts coming to the screenings of the movies once it gets to Sundance. And there's like a follow-up doc with the guy. Got sued a bunch of times.

I always meant to watch that. I don't know how that came off the list. It's really good. It's really good. And it's so convoluted. I have some compassion for the guy because he just wants to play around and tickle, but he couldn't allow himself because he's older. Does he participate in the tickling? I think it's some weird corruption of having a secret.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I think he would have liked to have been an openly gay guy in the 80s. And he came into all this money. And then I think not being able to live out that thing, it got obscured into this weird. That's how he could experience it. This makes me sad. It does. And he is a bad guy. You can be bad and good.

you can be bad and you can have compassion. And sad. And sad, yeah. Okay, back to the writing sessions. Were you guys ever blurring the lines during writing sessions? I don't think during writing sessions. You guys kept it, really. We were like, well, this sketch is very important. Also, I don't know if it really set the mood when one of us was like, I think I come in like this. And I'll be like this old man! What we were doing and what we visually look like at Groundlings, the fact that

Somehow that stirred the pot. It was pretty amazing. But it was a hotbed for sexual tension, wasn't it? Oh my goodness, yes. Oh, I was so horny and tensed up in class. I think seeing women be hysterical was very hot.

Yeah. I do. He was hot. Yeah, you're watching someone be great at the thing they're great at. That's true. That's appealing. It's like attractive. You've gotten out of the way all the normal embarrassment jitters you'd have. You've already hit rock bottom so fast. When you're in ill-fitting dockers and, you know, a tube top and a wig not unlike what Ben's wearing right now. Is that a page boy? I think it's a page boy wig. I have the worst admission to make.

I thought that was your real hair with a hat on over it, even though I just saw you. Clearly, that's not your hair. But now I'm realizing that. No, that's it. And in fact, pretty sure... You're so hot. It's so hot. Are you even with us right now? I gotta take this wig off in a second. No! I love doing it with you. I know.

I love that it's like a Tony Tennille. Just a little cup under. What's a Tony Tennille? Captain Tennille. Captain Tennille, okay. Just kind of keeping it current. Okay, so no fornication during the writing sessions. And then it all came out. I do remember learning as a group, but everyone was so excited. That was my recollection when we found out that you were lovers. Yeah. When you love two people in a group and then they fall in love with each other. Yeah, there's that old sort of saying, like, don't date people you work with or whatever. I think it's don't shit.

Yeah. So I said it my way. You're waking it up right now. You know what I did first. But I think that's an unhealthy thing to tell people because where are you supposed to go? Where am I supposed to shit? Am I right? The world is a toilet. He sucks.

I'm getting visual. If the world is my sexual toilet. If I live and work in a sexual toilet, riddle me this. I'm so sweaty. I can't take it. Let's get it off. Let's get it off. What was the last interview of your life? What?

What a fitting end. I do have to say, what a way to go. We started it together and now we're done. If that's how he can keep it, it's just like, and then he died. And then he died. He never was there for the Peabody Award that he'll be the bartender.

Oh, God. Okay. So I want to talk about the fun mutual ride you guys have taken together because it's just very unique. Are you aware of the other couples that came before you? There's like Dizzy and Desi and there's not a bunch. Shepard and Belle. Shepard. Also members of the shit we eat. Big, big company. No.

They got into some sexual shit eating, as I recall. Maybe that should be our club we create together. Shitwear Yeet Club. I'll make beautiful velvet jackets. It'll be great. Keep it classy. I don't think we ever thought about it. What's really weird is people, they don't anymore, but literally for the first 15 years are like, oh God, how can you work with your husband? Which also just always said so much about the interviewer over a decade of like,

I mean, you say it's fun, but it has to be excruciating. And I'm like, I'm so sorry your life is so shitty. How many times have you walked off set? You're just like, zero. I mean, hey, I'm directing those things and the director's not allowed to walk off. It's more an act of freedom to pitch a fit. Speaking of Belle, when it was for The Boss, literally every single interviewer was like, who's the boss between you two? Oh, God.

Every single question. You know how junkets can be. And just to get the same question. And they wanted us so badly to say, I fucking hate her. That is what they wanted. And I wouldn't do it because I don't. And so I'd be like, well, the boss is our kids. And they'd be like, okay, next. Yeah, they wanted, by the way, we're not even really fucking married. This is all a sham. Your children are actors.

Do you get that? Yeah, yeah. We've had a fair deal of that. But so much of it for me has been where my own self-esteem is at when I'm hearing the question. Like if I'm being dead honest, I used to go on talk shows and they would want to talk about Kristen the whole time. And in my insecure mind, I'd be like, yeah, because they'd way rather be talking to her. And now that I don't feel that way, I'm like, no, that's all you have to talk about.

She goes and talks about me and then I go on places and talk about her. And that's just what it is. There's nothing going on beyond that. But there were periods where my insecurity, I would really hear the 12 questions throughout the press junket.

that confirmed what I was afraid people thought. Which is that you're a big nothing and she's great. She's a big star and I'm a loser. And if she's in my thing, she's doing me a favor. If I'm in her thing, she's doing me a favor. Yeah, yeah. She's doing out a lot of favors. Yeah, yeah. It's just a one-way favor street. Yeah.

Do you have any of that? Sure. I don't know. I think it just is always rooting for McCarthy. And we struggled a lot to start in those times, those spicy times that Monica wishes we had a few more stories about. I had no money. I'd go to her house and like awkwardly hang around. And then she'd be like, oh, I have a sandwich. I'd be like, oh, wow, that's so cool. That's so weird. I mean, I'll have it. I wouldn't even, but...

I'm going to eat it to be polite. And also I haven't eaten since yesterday. So it's nice to start when you're both kind of struggling and you build together. You know, though, I do remember. So there was one time early in our relationship. One thing that's great about Melissa is she way earlier than me. Like if I pointed something out, a little constructive criticism, instead of just being like, hey, fuck off, she would be like,

Okay. If she thought it had merit. Yeah. And I was like, wow, she takes the note instead of just getting defensive, which is what most people that I knew in our 20s would all do. Like, fuck you, you don't know. But I remember I was like, you don't get it. If you were in a lower place like where I am in my career, you'd understand. And I think she said, well, why on earth would you root for me to get to a place that's harder in my career rather than rooting for yourself to get to a better place? So I for once took the note. I was like,

Oh, and so early on, I was like, who knows what's going to happen with any of us at any point. If you love the person, you love the person and you're rooting for them the whole time. Same team. Yeah. I'm guessing now. Melissa was so close your ears.

Melissa was so way out in front of everybody comedically. There is an objectivity to how we all met where I never had any problem rooting for. I had no illusions in my mind. I was as good as Melissa and that I should be somewhere. That is not true. I agree with you. There were only a few people that could do stuff that she could do. And in all the different ways that she could do it, I had no doubts that I, myself or yourself or lots of us could go on stage and do stuff that really would work.

and really would be great. But in terms of someone who is just at that next other level, someone that's just going to make an audience go kind of batshit crazy in a great way. I thought I could maybe help write those things, but I didn't ever think I could execute him as a performer. Totally. If you and I had a sketch together, we had a pretty good sense that it was going to be three minutes. Yeah.

If Melissa had a sketch that on paper was two minutes, it might be nine and a half. She might get that fervor going in the audience and all hell might break loose. I was there in the back when she broke her nose on stage trying to make a balloon pop. You ended up doing it on SNL, the sketch where you got all the balloons. I forget who you ended up hitting on in SNL.

Sudeikis? Yeah, Sudeikis. But she did it at Groundlings first. You can't pop my little balloons, guys. Yeah, and she tried to pop it. I learned that on stage. The audience was going crazy because they saw that she couldn't do it. Yes. And they knew how bad she wanted to do it. And so she would get more and more air. Whoa! Bang! Whoa! Whoa!

And then I was holding in front of my chest and I just started repeatedly slamming my chest down. And then I'm now into the 35, 36, 37. I'm diving on it. I'm punching it. Oh, my God. And then finally, I slammed myself down face first and it did pop. My head bounced off the floor and I was like, oh, I'm blacking out.

And meanwhile, I was not directing that show. I was there just because I had time and I wanted to go see it with previews maybe. And so I was in the back. And even though I wasn't the director, I was like, turn the lights off because I knew she was in danger. Blood was next. But I guarantee you, if I just somehow managed to make it happen, she would have never forgiven me.

She wanted to pop that goddamn balloon. Yeah. And was there blood? No, but some kind of weird liquid, which I don't know where that's from. I thought it was blood. So I thought, oh my God, this has got to be scaring people. But once I got to the mirror, it was just all clear. Oh. Like saliva poured out of your nose. Yes, but like a cup of it. And people were still laughing. I know, is it brain matter? And I was like, boy, they're clapping, but I'm covered in blood.

But it wasn't one. I went to see a plastic surgeon just to be like, do I need to reset it? And he asked me how I did it. And then he just was like, excuse me. And he brought in like two or three of his nurses. He's like, will you explain what you did again? And I was like, well, this just seems like it's entertaining for you. This isn't medical. He's like, oh, it's not medical at all. Yeah.

I just wanted to get the story right, and I'm not the best at repeating stories. I think they were just like, God, that's the dumbest thing we've ever heard. And for me, too, that weirdly has been helpful with Belle. I can't sing. I don't look like... Well, she's not a human. No, she's got too many things she doesn't want. I'm fine with her lane, and I know I have no place in that lane. But everybody has their own lane. Yeah, yeah. I would take pride in the fact that I was a writer. I'm like, well, I'm a writer. That's something I value a lot when I would think about what my lane is.

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When you hopefully get on a way to a better spot, that is when you're able to be objective and say, oh my gosh, she's amazing at that. Oh my gosh, she's so good at that. And not to say you could never get better, but I'm never going to be a great piano player. There's certain things that you're like, and that's okay. When you're young, you want all the things. You're watching Glenn Close in that thing and you're like, well, I need to do that as well. I think there's a thing coming up when you watch everybody and you so admire it, but also you're like, I guess I have to be able to do all of it.

Yeah, right. Which is just not how it works. And I think with the little age and experience, you're like, oh, no, no, no, that's not my thing. Yeah. I can't do it. It's a magic trick that that person can do. It is comforting to know it does happen to Kristen. So one time we were at a party and we spent the whole night talking with Tina and Amy. And then the next day we went for a walk. And she doesn't mind that I tell the story. We're on a walk in the neighborhood and she's going...

I'm just so not funny. I don't know why I'm allowed to be in these movies. I'm not funny. And I said, well, honey, are you as funny as Tina and Amy? Two of the five funniest people on planet Earth. No, you're not as funny as Tina and Amy. And then yet you can do all this other stuff. That's

It's so funny. It's so different. They do one thing. She's so funny in another way. This business is full of comparison and it's actually so subjective. It's the one you actually should never be comparing. Gloria Steinem always says linked, not ranked. Yeah.

which is like an incredible thing. We're linked by what we do, but who wins what? Everything's apples to, you know, cantaloupe. It's not the same. We're not supposed to be ranking things like that. That's where it gets so weird. What I've been impressed with, with both of you, we just played poker, Ben. It was so fun. If I haven't said publicly, you invited me to poker and it was all the folks

from more than 20 years ago. Did you use the dry ice machine? We did bring him in with a fog machine. We did play a little, what did we play for you? Stranglehold. Uncle Ted Nugent. Uncle Ted Nugent was playing a little Stranglehold. Everyone was very excited to see him. I was catching up because whenever there's a surprise guest at poker, at Ben's poker game, they have to enter in a fog machine and have some kind of something. Yeah, just so there's a little bit of acclaim. I think coming out of COVID, I was like, you know what? People deserve a little applause

It's so good to see you. Let's give them a cool rock star intro. Let's eventize your existence. Exactly. And we played for like 20 bucks. There's no, it's more about just the joy of seeing people after a long time. Some people hadn't seen Dax probably for 20 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it was so fun and it was so heartwarming. We're all still the same and we've all changed, which is interesting. But all that to say, you guys have in a very, very admirable way, but I can't imagine it

completely without effort or struggle, which is you guys have had the same friendship group the whole ride. We weirdly met a bunch of people during COVID. Oh, you did? You guys got real social during COVID? Yeah, by the way, I'll explain it later. No, we were on FaceTime call. We were like, let's at least

see other faces. So we were like, let's have a cocktail on Friday night. It was with Banks and Max. And they were on. And then Liz midway through was like, I'm putting Adam Shankman on. And so he came on and we were just talking about random stuff. And he's like, I'm going to make a Q&A.

And he was just baking all through COVID. And he's like, whoever wins. Well, first I said, we're going to watch every Oscar movie ever. Because I was going to do the thing where you're like, I'm going to learn a language. I'm going to play piano. So I was like, I'm going to watch every Oscar winning movie that's ever won. Because what else am I doing? How long is this going to last? Best picture.

Best picture. Best picture only. So we started and of course, Adam, it was before you could go in somebody's house unless you were potted. And so he was like, I'll do like a Q&A. I'll make a trivia night about the movie. And then whoever wins, I will bring you some kind of delicious baked good and leave it outside your house. Oh my goodness. So it was amazing. And then Amy and Darren joined and it became this thing. It just kept growing and growing.

And it was so fun. And people were in different countries and we would still do it. You guys were in Australia? Eventually we were. So you're doing like 8 a.m. coffee. I guess it'll be coffee. There was one time Steve Mallory was in it too. And he was in Australia with me doing this show. She was in London. Adam was in Ireland. Some people were in L.A. Yeah. So it was like 730 in the morning on Sunday. It started with we're all in this Zoom call. And

And then Steve Mallory, who we all know, super funny guy. He wrote this thing with us, by the way. He's written the five movies in some capacity. Well, he and I wrote this. Part of the easy part of what we did is we basically wrote two full movies. But it was Lawrence of Arabia. And as we all popped up on Zoom, all of a sudden Steve is in full costume. There was an awkward pause. One by one, people were like, yeah, we'll be right fucking back. Yeah.

And you got a bunch of creative people pent up. And it was like, you're making wigs out of toilet paper rolls. Yeah. And then from then on, it was full costumes. Amy Adams was the queen, right? For Patton, she was a human tank. And she could move and it was coming out of her chest plate thing. Oh, yeah. It's unbelievable. Things got super elaborate. Sometimes I would spend like...

30 hours that week just working on a costume. It just went away because we had nothing else to do. It was like Sunday company all over again. Yeah. Get your costume ready. Did you watch all the movies? I did. Wow. That's impressive. Which one were you like, I have a new appreciation for and which one were you like, I don't know. I had not seen Wings, which is the first. The first.

Oscar winning movie. It's unbelievable. There's a romance between these two soldiers. Male soldiers? Mm-hmm. Is there a kiss or just that moment? There's a moment, I think. And also the director was a fighter pilot. So the footage in the planes is insane. So when you see a plane go down, it's because they brought a plane down. It was the first visual effects too because these stunt pilots, these former Air Force guys that had been in, I guess, World War I, they would

jump out of a plane that they put a smoke pack thing in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the one thing you would see is they just tried to erase on the actual film negative. You'd see like a yellow dot as the person theoretically would have been parachuting hopefully to safety. Wow. But yeah, so talk about, you know, you're like a thrill...

Thrill rider. You're the kind of guy who likes to jump out of a crash in an airplane, right? Yeah. They were like, I wonder how they did that. And it's like, oh, they crashed planes. Wow. Crazy. I think my favorite one that either I hadn't appreciated or something, but now I could watch it every day is In the Heat of the Night. Have you seen that one? Sidney Poitier, Rod Steiger. I haven't seen it. I just know of it. Is that the first thing he won for? Sidney Poitier did not win. And I was sort of keeping loose track. Again, not to rank, but that was one of my favorite performances I've ever seen.

scene, and he did not win. He won the year later for something else. Splendor. Guess who's coming to dinner or something. And then ones that didn't hold up. Patton. She did not like Patton. She got so mad at his eyebrows. The opening of Patton. Speech in front of the American flag. Is that what it is? So his face is massive. It looks like, no offense to anyone, because makeup was great by then. There are artists doing it. It just looked like he took two tubes of toothpaste and went...

right over the eyebrows and kind of brushed it in. And I was like, it's a closeup. It's an extreme closeup. Made her very angry. Oh, it made me so mad. It's probably the HD of it all. Chris and I made the grave mistake of they showed Game of Thrones at IMAX one year in preparation of the new season.

And we went and we were like, ooh, the wall. The wall's plastic. The wall's like a set. Oh, really? Which you cannot tell on TV, but IMAX, you're like, oh no, now this looks insane. You're just like, they're about to, I'm not scared of a wind walker climbing that plastic thing. Zipper.

They can defend this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that that guy's cell phone in his pocket? Yeah, that was not advisable. Okay, but back to what I was going to say is, has it been challenging at all to navigate? Because I've talked about this a lot on here. I have a real fair amount of survivor's guilt. I've met so many people that were so fucking good at all of this that didn't get to buy a house at the end of it all. And it's really heartbreaking to,

And in the past, I think I've maybe just ran away from some of those people. That wasn't the easiest road for me to navigate. But you guys, you're still with everyone. Has that been hard at all? I think sometimes it can be a little tricky, particularly if you think that someone is trying something that is like a tricky path and you have a bunch of advice you

you would probably tell them, but then you're like, who am I to give anybody advice? And so I never do. So that is the tricky thing because I also always thought if I can make it to a point where I don't have to wait tables, if I can just do the thing that I'm meant to do, if it's a stage show or whatever, that to me would be enough. And then to get more than that, I was like, that's never the bargain I made with the deities. I guess I feel guilty or something. I thought if I could just get a SAG card and,

And then I was like, man, what if one day I can work enough to have SAG insurance? Yeah. I was like, well, just try to get your card. Don't go crazy and expect to get insurance out of this deal. And so sometimes I am just kind of a little bewildered that I get to go to work every day and I love it. Yeah. Like I nerdishly still love it. Every time we start a new project, as we're driving to work the first day, we're like, oh my God. Yeah.

I still have that feeling where I'm like, got a badge. I get on the lot and I get to go put on some kind of stupid... Every time we get on the lot, we always feel like it's a mistake. Every single time. I'm just like, they're gonna make us leave. Because I remember way back, I talk about how I struggled. So did Mr. Shepard. We would take long walks

And to our shame, we would complain a lot. As I recall, we might walk four or five miles. Sure. Because we had nothing else to do, no kids or anything. So we would also be walking at like 1030 at night. And you and Tim Lovestead would stop at Cafe 50s and get a giant coffee.

At like 10 o'clock. I remember we used to drink coffee right up till bed. Yeah. It wasn't helping us, but we were just like trying to commiserate to say maybe someday something will get easier. Well, a lot of people have heard my CPK story that listened to the show and people should know that Ben got me the job at California. Hey, I'm part of the family.

And you were like a beloved staff member. Oh, no. And I didn't make it. I didn't make the cut. I was a host for a while. Because you had to leave for an audition or something, right? No. Remember, Dan gave me my review and he gave me a 7 out of 10 for punctuality. And I had been 15 minutes early to every shift. God.

I don't remember this. You don't. I sit down for my review and he gives me this. So punctuality seven. That's great. Now appearance. And I go, oh, Dan, I've been 15 minutes early to every shift. You were always early because I want to eat that bread in back because your first job was to cut up all the bread on the machine and you could eat half a loaf before anyone knew what was going on. Dip it in barbecue and ranch. Yeah.

That was my meal. And I said, well, Dan, I've been so early. How would I get a 10? An hour early? And he goes, well, we just can't start yet a 10 because you got to try to grow and get better. What? And I was like, oh, okay. And then he went on to a couple more. And then I just go.

Dan, I think I'm going to quit. Oh my God. And he goes, I do not know this story. You don't know this? So he goes, what? And I go, yeah, that sounds wild. Like if I was early and you're trying to make me more, this feels very like weird and manipulative. I can't. I'm going to quit.

And then I left. And then I got a voicemail on my recorder at home and it was Dan. And he said, listen, Dax, I've thought over the punctuality and I'm willing to go to eight. I do remember I'm willing to go to eight. He countered at eight. Not even fucking nine or ten. Dan!

And I love Dan. It's not his fault. Dan was a sweet manager guy. Very muscular. Very muscular guy. Very sweet. He fired me too. He fired you? Yeah. Do you know what a secret shopper is? Yes. Okay. So you know what a secret shopper is. Well, let's just tell everyone. Corporate has some employees go visit the restaurant and you don't know you're waiting on one of these people and then they give you a review. Right. So I worked at the CPK in Brentwood. Can we do one second on the CPK of Brentwood? I think it's really relevant for the listener. Yeah.

It's a mid-priced restaurant, but it's in Brentwood where everything's really expensive. So people that come in are expecting a level of service that, frankly, CPK doesn't offer. So they were so mad you couldn't make reservations. I was at the host stand, and I just heard complaint after complaint of how unacceptable it was you can't make a reservation.

Now I want to go, yeah, because a pizza is nine dollars and that's how it is here. But anyways, I think that's relevant. It is. People would come and they would come right before a movie at that cinema on Wilshire. I don't even know if it's still there, but that was basically what people would come for. So right before the seven o'clock movie place would fill up. Everyone wants everything all at once. And I just got in Secret Shop before and I got like a ninety seven because they also wanted you to be so specific. Like when you give an appetizer, I wouldn't just say, hey, can I get you an appetizer or something? Are you guys hungry yet?

would you like some delicious spinach artichoke dip or perhaps some hummus? Sometimes they would want you to push liquor during the day. Like, so at 11.45, you're like, would you like a Long Island iced tea or a spicy margarita? People are like, no, I would not. Damn!

That's where it's specific, Dan. Can I get you started with three shots? We've got a nice latrone agnejo at $11.45. I think you're going to enjoy that with your half-chopped salad. What's the rest of your day look like? You want to go hard this morning? So, anyway, long story short, they split all the tables apart. So, I'm like slammed. I'm in the weeds, as they say. The last table was the secret choppers. Oof. I remember weird questions like, what kind of shrimp are on the shrimp scampi pizza? Oh.

And I'm like, it's bay shrimp. It's really good. And I got to go because somebody wants iced tea or whatever. Which, by the way, you've never spoken to anyone that curtly. No, I was just very busy. And so I was like, I'll be right back. Do you remember the score I got? Because now I can't remember. It was something like a 39 out of 100. So what CPK would do is they would call. And this is back when you had an answering machine, right? Same as Dax there. Tape cassette. And so, hey, Ben, it's Dan.

I got to talk to you over at the restaurant, okay? And I knew that that meant when they called you in, they wanted to fire you in person because it was a restaurant started by lawyers. So I call them back and I say, Dan, what's going on? Are you going to fire me? How long had you worked there at that point? I had worked at the one at Marina Del Rey. I played softball with that Marina Del Rey. You see?

So I was really in the culture. I was embedded. I'd probably been there like four-ish years, maybe five. And I go, are you going to fire me? And he goes, yeah. I've got to fire you, Ben. I'm like, well, then I don't want to come in, Dan. I'm not going to walk in there so you can fire me. Did you go in? No. I was like, can you just mail me my check? That would be fine with me. I said, what happened? He goes, you got a 39 on the secret chopper. I was like, he was

Some other manager had pulled all the tables apart. He goes, yeah, I know. Oh, that feels unfair. 39. We can't come back from a 39. No, we can't come back. And I'm still mad about it. I love four years of good service. And because you didn't offer a 9 a.m. Long Island ice cream. Oh, no. And you didn't talk in detail about it. I didn't talk in detail about the shrimp on the shrimp scampi pizza. That's what I remember they ordered. Also seems like those secret shoppers were trying to be like the best secret shoppers.

And maybe they didn't know, you're going to take this young man's job away. Dan is going to leave him a voicemail. That's so generous. The whole thing boils down to some very subjective person's day they're having when they sit down. Could they find parking there? Probably not. That place was a zoo. Yeah, it was tough. What all happened before they sat down and started asking about the shrimp at CPK? Oh.

What are your expectations? Yeah, it's Gulf Shrimp. It came in this morning. I unloaded the pallet. Just pulled it out of ice. He was wearing a beautiful outfit. He's dressed like a longshoreman. His name is Dale. The captain and the longshoreman came. I spoke to them for a while, but not too long because they had a busy day, as do I. Fuck.

They're individual bags of shrimp. All right, now I bring back what we started talking about before you sat down, which is the notion of retirement. Would you be any good at it? Your hunch, Ben, was that it won't be easy. I don't think it'll take for me because I do have to kind of write every day. I'll write whether it's going to get made into something or not. So I guess...

I could be retired. It's just a question of if anyone's buying what I'm selling or not. Would you just return to prose, though, maybe? Maybe. What do you like writing better? I declared I'm done writing scripts like seven years ago. I had a couple scripts I owed. I'm like, I'm just done with this. I can't stand it anymore. And then I started writing for fun again. And then I just started writing prose. And now I'm kind of writing a memoir. But I'll just write for fun. And I'm like, oh, I remember this. This is...

Writing because you like constructing sentences is fun. The math of it, the puzzle of it. It's satisfying. Yeah, I don't think I'd ever stop writing. But anyways, all that to say, I said, I think I'll do fine with it because we had nine years of practice. You and I have been retired. Of being unemployed. We were retired in our 20s. Yes.

So it's like you go to the promenade and watch a film, the cheap showing at the AMC 7. You knew where to go get a cheap slice of pizza, bike rides on the Strand. I knew how to fill up a day. I think I learned that, and some people don't ever learn that. Well, now that you've got access to all those cars that you always were so hot and heavy for, that'll do it. I don't like them all as much as I thought I was going to. What? I mean, I really like them, but I don't find that I'm driving around in them a ton. Yeah.

Do you like to still take them apart and put them back together? I like to buy them. I like to look at them and have a big fantasy about them. And then I like to put them in my garage. And then I like to have them break. You have to buy a new garage for that. And then worry about what needs fixing. And sometimes dream that the whole garage catches on fire and it all goes away. Oh.

What? So this is no longer... But I still love it. Okay, so you love it. Yeah, yeah. I'm just not sure how much of my day it's going to take up. You never drive your old one. There you go. I know. You've got a nice Ranchero. Yeah, it's cool. And you pulled a fast one, right? That was a very sweet move. It was Dan Aykroyd's car in Tammy.

And I brought it back from North Carolina for your, was that for your 40th? 40th. I like driving it. I mean, not me driving it, but I like driving it with you. Yeah. Uh-oh, we stumbled upon a real sore subject. No, no. Now I'm wondering because it's up at the beach and I'm just wondering if I know how to start it. Oh.

That's where you went. I'm the opposite. Like, you're good with all that stuff. If you pull out this car, automatically, just people appear. They've got tank tops on and maybe a tattoo on there. I'm like, what do you got under the hood there? And I'm like, I have no idea, sir. I don't know. My wife,

quilted the leather. Dude, look at the interior. It's really neat. Well, what was both of your cars? Like, his was cars, what were yours? If I had this level of success or money, I want this. I like housey stuff. Anything to do with design. I'm constantly working on building a nest. Yeah, me too. I just love it. Even when I was a kid, to my parents, I'd be like, you know, if we knocked this wall out, it would open. They're like, we've wrecked this house. She would take this place down to the stump. How do you mind?

I love the whole construction process. You love a remodel. I love a remodel. He hates it. Never ever has anyone said, oh, we can do this. It's easier than we thought. It's cheaper than we thought. It's going to be a little faster than we thought. It used to be double the price. Now it's like, let's just triple it. For us, it was like, let's four times it. Let's four it.

That's 3X the timeline. Has that changed? Because you started early. You have always been a house flipper. That first yellow one. Yeah. You did a real number on and made it super cute. And that one, I think what got me is that was my first house. I love that house in Los Feliz.

And then everything was easy. It was so filthy. It was built in 1912. It was so pretty, but it was just like dirty plates on the floor, garbage everywhere, open food. One of the open houses, we were standing in a bedroom and I was like, oh my God, because I couldn't even fathom, can I really...

get this place. And we were in there for maybe 20 minutes just talking. I was there with a friend. There was mattresses all over the floor. And then 20 minutes in, someone rolled over in bed and they had been in there sleeping the whole time. Oh, wow. So this was like a day.

Some of the doorways, there was like plywood over it and painted. But the more I was in there, because I was so in love with this house, I was like, it's just dirty. I can clean. None of the moldings are changed. They just weirdly put plywood over it. So I started going to all the open houses, every single one. And the realtor was like, you can't do this. And I was like, it's an open house.

And there's people, sometimes they would walk in three, four feet and just turn around and leave because it was so dirty. That's your sweet spot. And then if they did come in, that's where I would just, oh, I'm on the tour too. And I'm like, you can't clean this kind of filth. Yeah. I said a lot of things like this is in the walls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is in the walls. This house has bad bones. And everything went super easy. And it really was like, oh, yeah, we just can't.

kicked down the plywood and it was beautiful underneath it. She's always thought every other one would be that easy. Oh, and some of the other ones, there was stuff in the walls. Oh, just absolutely. Swiss cheese, the whole house. They're like, oh, it's got to come down. I remember one time hearing like, we knew about the asbestos, but the black mold we didn't know about. And I was like...

Have you ever just immediately sold, like bought it and actually we can't? We did do that one time because we got into it and I was like, oh. And then we were about to travel and I was like, honey, can we just say that this one was a loss? And we did. We just sold it right away and I was so shocked. I was like,

We just swapped out. We're like, we bought it. And then we sold it. And we're like, get out, get out, get out, get out. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. The place you're in now, do you think you'll stay? Or is Mama itchy? I think even the girls, our girls are like, you won't sell this, right? Yeah, right, right, right. I mean, I think we'll stay, right? I think we'll stay there. It's possible. I don't believe her at all. I don't. I think so.

I don't know. That really feels like our home. So how old are Lincoln and Delta now? Nine and 11. Nine and 11. Okay. So ours are 17 and 14. Viv is going to be at college somewhere next year. Oh my God. I know, which is so crazy. But obviously there's some stuff we do here, work, but we've lived in LA for a long time too. So even LA is a little bit up for grabs and that freaks the girls out. Even if they don't think that they want to, they,

They just want us to be where we are. They want you to stay unchanged. Yes. I don't care what it is I'm doing, but I want you two to be right here. Yes. So I can come home. Yeah. Yeah. Monica's the worst offender of that. Oh, I'm so bad. Really? Yeah. I was just home this past weekend and my brother took a long time to leave the house. And it is the first time that I was back that he's permanently out. And I was like, well, this is unacceptable actually. Oh, you wanted Neil to be there. You wanted your brother to be there. Yeah. Yeah.

And I've also been, I'm like, you got to get out of here. I've been saying that for years and now he's gone and it's like, my life is ruined. And how often do you go home? Like a couple times a year. Perfect. So you want him just to stay there? Yeah, he's got to stay. For that Thursday through Sunday? That's right. Have a three-day trip. Yeah, it was weird. It's weird when your foundation is changing. I don't like that. When he wrote,

Uh, was it, uh, life of the party? Hi. I just, I was like, 2018 life of the party. When Ben came down in the morning was like, Oh, I have this idea for something. I took it very literally. I was like, that is such an amazing idea to go to school. Cause I didn't finish college. And I was like, Oh my God, when Viv goes to school, I should go to college with her. And he's like,

a cautionary tale. And Viv was like, no, wait, wait, wait, what are we talking about? And I was like, I can finish college when you go to college. And he just kept saying, no, the comedy of it is that's a terrible idea. And I literally was like, I don't see what's, I think it's a great idea. And I still kind of am like, I still haven't finished college. She's like, I just think it's lovely and heartwarming. I'm like, it's supposed to be just funny. Yeah.

Okay, I do want to, you already said you love it and I do too. And I wonder, obviously you guys started writing and performing together. So it makes a lot more sense for both of you. But do you think also, this is the thing I like about working together is it's just a lot of compromise. You want to eat somewhere and you want to eat somewhere different. You want to watch something. You maybe want to watch something. When you work together, I think it's this unique time where you have the same goal, right?

Which is really kind of hard to have as a couple, the exact same goal. It is because also I always call it like the red and yellow. Like if you want yellow, I want blue. And then we're like, oh, but purple. That it's a constant improvement. It starts okay. And then instead of like a fight or a battle, there's some kind of fun puzzle working that I find so satisfying and so fun. But it's never about like, my

my way or his way. It's like how to take the good thing out of your idea and the good thing from my idea. This new creation is better than either one of us could have done. And there's also a certain thing where people say, oh, what's it like working with your wife? And it's every day in certain ways because part of what we do is for fun. It's how we communicate. We're writing another movie that we want to film soon. And on the other hand,

On the way over here, we'd just gotten into all this madness and she's the ringleader of all that. And I'm like, honey, it was more things than possible. On the drive, Ben goes, I just wonder if the hats won too many. We're a hundred too many. She's like, that's the whole point. But then she pitched a really quick

for the movie that was so funny that I'm like, yeah, we absolutely should put that in the movie. I read a thing in the LA Times a long time ago about these two physicists that work together. Because for some reason, I was reading the obituaries. Oh, wow. That's kinky. It was about...

These two physicists and one of them passed away and they called themselves the Mosquito and the Battleship. The reason they work so well together is because one of them had 40,000 different mathematical ideas about science and things that I don't understand. And the other one was like, yes, but this is also the solution we're trying to get to. So I always think of Melissa and myself that way, where she's got 5,000 good ideas. I got one bad one, but I'm going to stick to it. I think it's kind of a good...

match that way. Yes, stick-to-edness. And also, I say stupid half-thoughts that will not become a movie. What I said in the car, Hungry Eyes came on. Eric Carman. Really quick, hit me. I want to...

Oh, yeah. I don't know the words. But all I say is, I was like, the thing we're writing now, what if every time Andrew Friedman starts to eat chicken wings, that song comes on? And it happens repeatedly through the movie and it slightly goes to slow motion. Oh, I think it's up here on the left. And then that's all I've got. He makes a full movie out of my random scatological thoughts that I have.

But I mean, how much fun to have somebody that's just pitching bits. I have a question for you. Why did we stop writing scripts? You're very good at it. Was it the notes process? Was it the structure process that started to bum you out? Structure sucks. I hate structure always. And some frustration that you relearn your structure notes every single time you write something. It's just maddening that you don't start there. A million times I've thought to myself,

you've gotten all of these notes before. They were correct before. A scene where two people are just talking about nothing. You've been in the cutting room before and then sure enough, sure as shit, you look, you're like, so page 30 to 39 is frog shit nothing. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah, it's that. Notes is rough. It's always feeling like you have homework due everywhere you're at. I would notice Chris and I are on vacation and she's on vacation, but I'm like, I have two things due. At some point I was like, okay, it's been 15 years of having homework and I just don't want it again. Great. Yeah. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert. If you dare.

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Okay, of the five features you guys have made together, Tammy, the boss, life of the party, super intelligent, Thunder Force, is one, and let me just say, we always think about when I get to show our girls hit and run, because it was our kind of baby, that movie. It was a million dollars and impossible to make. And that movie means so much in so many weird ways. Do you guys have a favorite of these five?

that are so special to you? I love them all. Tammy, for the same reason, I just remember pulling onto the set and we were like, look at all these people.

these people. Couldn't believe we got to write a movie. Couldn't believe then Ben was directing it. Like it was a bit of a... Didn't know what I was doing very much, you know, because you're learning any first time director, prepare it as much as you can. And we had wonderful producers helping us, giving us great advice. But that feeling of just learning on the fly, knowing that I need to get coverage, you know, what does that mean? All

Also, you were always saying like, I don't know. I'm aware I have to do something. Someone smarter explain how to do that. So I was smart enough to know what I didn't know. I love Tammy for that. I have this weird thing because I go through posts. You watch your movie a hundred million times, as you know. So I don't watch a movie until at least five years after we've released it. I haven't seen Thunderfall. We're getting close. Well, no, because it came out, I guess, in 21. But we shot it in 2019. I just recently saw...

life of the party. What I like about that, especially today, is it is just a movie that's supposed to be funny. She's really funny throughout the whole freaking movie. The women are great in it. And it was maybe the most fun just to film because

Everybody's like, you sure you want to get a bunch of women in their 20s? Probably going to be bitches. You know, literally. Oh, boy. That was the most joyful. People aren't going to leave their room and they're going to want to wear prettier shit or whatever. Jesus. That's the same person that's like, tickle, tickle, tickle. But I love that movie for shooting it. All of them are different versions.

but that movie is just not trying too hard. It's just trying to tell this little story and it's like, we're going to put her in a lot of funny situations. Hopefully they're going to work. I saw it recently and I enjoyed it. Now, how do you get the idea to do Hildy, the bar back and the lake of fire? Are you guys game of Thrones people?

Did you love Game of Thrones? I did. I did. Then it got too rough for you. Here's what happened to me. Are you a big one to a big Game of Thrones? OK, so I was huge into it. I loved it was on Sunday nights, right? It was back before streaming was really. So you kind of had to tune into HBO. You had to watch it. Yeah. So I'm super into the show, especially because I got in after that sort of more awkward first season where I was like, we're the sexy show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then there was the part.

where Pedro Pascal gets on the show. Yes. And he's amazing. And then he does all this stuff and he's been so honorable. And he starts walking around the guy and doing this monologue. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I know what's going to happen. And then it was just this crazy, awful visual. I'm no good with horror stuff. So when he gets his eyes squished out, he crushes his head and squishes his eyeballs shoot out of his head. And I was horrified, but also I felt manipulated. Oh.

Oh, betrayed? I felt betrayed. It rattled you. Now you're not being truthful to the character. I thought that they went for gore instead of... Truth. Does that make sense? Yeah. But I thought the show was incredible. And also, if I just weren't so scared of everything, I probably would have kept watching. And then you stopped after that. I did. Are you guys going to see The Substance? I've heard The Substance is really good. Yeah, I've heard it's really good, and it's apparently...

very gory. Oh, he may not be seeing it. I don't know what the substance is. It's a new Demi Moore movie. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes. Oh, I heard it's very good. Yes. And it apparently has tons of pop-outs. Oh, okay. What's a pop-out? A pop-out is, you know... In horror. Jump scare. Oh, jump scare. Okay. That's a good jump scare. No, jump scare is what everyone says and we say pop-out. Oh, okay. So it's like a plastic surgery type thing. Like she's trying to get youthful. And I don't know all the deets, but apparently someone had a heart attack and a seizure. Oh.

In the G. Watching it? Oh, my God. Oh, that's terrible. Isn't that funny? That makes you want to run out and see it. Not me. I was like, I can't see it. I got scared. Yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared. Is there a lot of strobe light in the film? No, I think they just got so scared. Oh, my God.

I know. Then they'll do commercials about it. Remember all the commercials that would be like, people were so scared they passed out. Remember that used to be a whole thing? Under no circumstance see this film on March 19th. 3 p.m., 3.30, 3.35. I think I could watch

All of that stuff before kids. And now I start to have weird dreams where my kids are now part of it. And I was like, so I can watch a lot more than Ben can. The whole family can. So I'm the one who's like, what's going on in there? Are we still watching it? It's fine if you are. Are you knitting when this happens? Knitting everybody a wool hat.

Earplugs. I'm a huge Tolkien person. That was where all this barback business. So Steve Mallory pitched it to me because he knew how much I was into it. And he was like, women in the movies, which they are, I think, really good movies. They don't do a lot. You've got Galadriel, who is super powerful and doesn't take the ring, but then gives everyone a powerful gift. Oh. The action of it is never female-based. Yeah, it's usually not. What's her name? The one who stabs the witch king of...

Agmar in the face. This is all Lord of the Rings. So it's more, I grew up reading that. You've had a lot of sketches over the years that I've seen that have this leaning. D&D nerd guy stuff. Yes, for sure. Old English speak a little bit. Yeah. Okay, so Mallory said, what if? He said, what if we do something that is just a

a straight up comedy, we get the funny women we know to be the heroes when the men fuck everything up inevitably. And I was like, well, that feels like a story for today. That feels timely. It's taken a while because as you said, it's not an easy one. We weren't like, oh, we're just going to pick up things and do... I mean, I know you do tons of research, but I think a lot of people just sort of come on and don't do much. We were like, oh, we're going to do the opposite. They built a world. There's a map. They started with the map and I was like...

Okay, this sounds kind of amazing. Yeah, and there's eight. How long are those? Eight, 30 minutes-ish. Yeah. We're working on a second season, too. Set the scene for us. Of course, McCarthy's playing Hildy, and you're a barback. I'm a barback, and I do all of the work. It was her father's tavern that, of course, has been given to my brother,

Fennec, who Steve Mallory plays, even though he's a complete imbecile. But they're like, well, women can't own property. So I do all the work and I'm not allowed to own it. And he strolls in and offers everyone free drinks every now and then. Trying to be cool. So what happens is in the first, as in all of these stories, there's some sort of inciting incident, which is that

we learned that a bunch of the bad people... What are they called? They're called Morliths. And they're coming across the countryside and they're coming straight for the village. Hildy tries to convince them to use magic and different things to figure out a way to like, what do they want? Where are they going? Maybe we could escape. And the guys of the village are like,

Sometimes you got to put some armor on and kick some ass and they go straight at the things and a dragon incinerates them all immediately. So it ends up that Hildy and her ragtag group of friends have to defeat this sort of incursion and then also figure out what the hell is

going on who plays the potions person mirabelle is played by a really great actor named anna scottney she lives in new zealand oh she's a kiwi yeah oh i thought it was the aussie they're gonna be so mad but she's incredible isn't she great she's such a great actor was she already a friend she worked with us on god's favorite idiot when we were in australia she came over from new zealand i saw her in i'm spacing on the name of it but one of taika's movies and i was like

Who is it? Like when you just see someone and you're like, who is this human? Yeah. She can do anything. Was it Hunt for the Wilder People? No. No. It was one where she played like a super tough gal. I can see it, but I can't think of the name of it. My actor like that right now is Walton Goggins. What can this guy not do? Did you guys watch Fallout by chance? I loved it. You saw it? I loved Fallout. Too much for Ben. Is it scary?

No, I think you could watch it. Is it scale week? I think you could watch it. She gently held my hand and goes, I think you could watch it, honey. You don't watch everything first like a child. And I just know certain things. He gets upset. I'm a fragile flower. He's really sweet, man. I just can't. There's too many bad things in the world.

Okay, so you wrote it all. How long does it take to record it? Who's producing it? It turned out so good because this is not a realm you were ever in. We're learning kind of as we go. So we recorded it at our office. Steve Mallory taught himself how to use a program of a thing so that we could record it in a way. He's very competent. Right. He's very technically competent and he sort of loves that wormhole stuff where I'm like, I'm tired. I'm scared. What?

And then Damon Jones, who you know. Yes, also at Poker. Yep, he's been writing all the songs as well. Yeah, there's an original song in each. Each one has an original song. So the first one, it's Why Would You Ever Fuck With A Dragon is the song. There's funny, crazy songs he's written. And then we just sort of said, well, hey, Damon, what would happen if you started editing them? So he edited one. Candice Brown edited one. Oh, really? Yeah. Mallory edited the first one. The whole team. Yeah, it's been amazing just to

bring the family together and see who can do what and pitch in. I would imagine at first glance, you're like, oh, this is a great world in which we could try an idea. We wouldn't try to pitch to a studio. We can execute something and then come to find out it's as much work. That's my guess. Yeah, this would be such an expensive movie to make. Who knows what anybody wants at any time, but it's just...

hard to sell a really expensive comedy with giant high concepts. So we're like, you know what? What if we do it in such a way that's easier? And then we found out, yeah, it's a lot. To do it poorly would have been pretty easy. You need a lot of foley. You need a lot of stuff going on. All of that to be like, oh wait, we have to figure out what kind of hooves do we want to hear. We are

Oh.

And then you're like, my God, we've known this person forever. They're that funny. It's just nonsense. And then one after the next, it would be so fun doing the sessions that even with all the work so far, I think anybody who's been killed in the first season, they

that y'all come back second season as their twin. If we really love somebody's performance, you're like, all right, you're going to come back as your own twin. But they're too good. So I'm like, well, Hitchcock has to come back. No, Hitchcock stays alive. So he can just be himself. He's a wannabe wizard.

How fun, you guys. Yeah. I think everyone's in an interesting phase. I guess here's my question. I've got to ask it to a few people. Do you lament what's happened at comedy or do you go, oh, my God, thank God that we got to do it in a version that we grew up watching. You guys got to go make good budget comedies for a long time.

And are you just in the lamenting phase? Are you in the like, oh my God, we got in before it was almost impossible? I think it has to come back. I think the world needs it. I can't do anything important. I can't clean up the air. I can't fix climate. I just know how to do stupid things to maybe make people forget.

that the air needs to be cleaned up. And I just think the narrative is being sold that they don't work. And yet I'm stopped 15 times a day where people are like, I need to come home from my difficult job and I need to watch you make an ass of yourself. I'm like, you've got it. That's all I can do. And I really think things are cyclical. I think people need them. People want them. And

Like anything, you can start to make a narrative of what is. It doesn't mean it's true. I think we'll circle back. I would say like grateful, but greedy. We'll do stuff like we're doing this thing. Who knows what it could be someday? Somebody may go like, now that we know that it works, we can do a version of that in some way or other. And meanwhile, we're working on other stuff where she's pitching me jokes in the car. I dare to say, I think we'll do some more stuff. And now will the budgets be what they were?

Probably not for a while until the next one works. I really want to be part of getting people back in theaters. Not to be like, oh, it's in service of, but there's a weird thing that happens when you sit with a bunch of strangers and you have a collective experience. Especially laughing together. Laughing together. Absolutely. Getting pissed together is really popular. That's easy to do, but laughing together or rooting for somebody together, I think did more for us.

as humans than we give credit to. Yeah, yeah. And I think we trained people to stop doing it. It went pretty quickly, but it was strategically done. And I remember being like, why are you training people to stop needing your wares? Yeah. And I think you can get it back. There have been a couple jokes that I remember that we did. Like in Tammy, she's a conservative woman to me. Like I was there writing the character, but I still fully want to hang out with Tammy.

And I think that whole thing, our culture, our country, you know, especially people online and the internet, they're so against each other and angry with each other all the time. And I think there's something about having Tammy say a joke like, oh man, gas prices are so high. Thanks, Obamacare. So the audience, I remember being at so many screenings. It was the weirdest laugh. There would be this big laugh and then there would be a really big second laugh. And then still at the end, people are like,

should I be offended? Who's she making fun of? Half the audience laughed because they're like, fucking Obama. And then the other half was like, oh my God, she's an idiot. That's not Obama. It was the weirdest split laugh. And every time it was consistent and it was like, okay, that worked. Yeah, that's right. Two weird ways to different people. We're sort of offending everybody all at once, but in a very loving, prodding way. Critics or whoever can think our movies can be a little too heartwarming or a little too physical, but we're actually trying to not get people to sit back on their couch and go,

That was clever. With a little wry grin. We're trying to get people to laugh hard. We test them to try to make sure they really do it. And sometimes to do it, you got to fall down some fucking stairs. Sure. Literally. What's great about this one, she's like, I should fall down some more stairs. Do you have any chronic injuries? Oh, yeah. You've been hard on yourself. Some women would be like, you should not be doing it. And I'm like, I love it. I really did love it. And they're like, yeah, but the thing is, you're going to get around 50 soon.

and you're going to be an old beat up stunt woman. Yeah. And that's exactly what happened. Like my hips are crazy. What have you started hanging out with NFL retirees? This meniscus is still ripped out at the root. It's been like seven years. Yeah. I just got weird things where I'm like, like, Oh,

This is what they meant. But then still, if we go to do something again, I'll be like, no, I'm going to... I have gotten better. But now anything up on wires, I love. It's literally my happiest place on the planet. So Thunder Force, she loves it. Because I just like... She's super here, jumping around. Spinning and turning and flipping. Oh, you love it. I love it. I don't like the harness. I don't mind being up, but it hurts being in the harness. You have it so tight, it's killing you. Did it hurt your penis and testicles? It hurt my penis quite a bit. No, the trick is if it's...

It's so tight that you can't stand it when you're on the ground. Then when you go up, it's nice. Did you hear the part he said about the penis? Yeah, it's just a little different for the fellas. It's in the wrong place. And then you're constantly on set. I am at least pulling out all the stuff. Yeah, pulling your stuff. Like constantly freeing a testicle from one of the straps. Sorry.

Yeah, and you're in spandex. Sorry, we don't. And everybody's job is to look at you really closely. That's literally my job is to look at Dax's midsection. How much of his dick and balls are visible in this nude colored spandex shorts? I'm blown away that the appetite is still thriving.

To make stuff? Yeah. I love it. Especially when it just comes up. Literally, we're like cooking or something and then just a song comes on or like a stupid bit. A lot of times in the car, we start to build this stupid world. The thing we're working on, I got so excited because I was like, oh my God,

I know she wears Wranglers. Right. That was all I needed to be like, oh, my God. Yeah. Someone asked you in an interview I watched this morning that was like, how do you get into this or that character? And you're like, wig is step one. The wig does all of my work. Now, you're in your real hair, right? This is my real hair. I haven't completely mistrued. I've been bald for 17 years. Oh, my God. What a reveal that would be if I'd known you.

Or you have a little mohawk or something. Just a little. A little treat under there. We just call it patchy. God, I love a wig. So going forward, we're going to keep pushing for movies, live experience. Yes. We are, yeah. There's so much dark. It's like anything that leans towards something joyful and funny. And also, you got to

Fuck stuff up. You got to make fun of people in a certain way because at some point you're going to be the one made fun of and you have to be able to be like, yeah, I am like that. I'm an ass. But everybody's kind of getting made fun of. Everybody's trying to pick teams so much. It's so boring and it gets us nowhere.

Well, I adore you guys. I'm really glad that we've all stayed in touch. I had so much fun at poker the other night. You're on the list, as you know. I put him on the email list. He wanted it to be official. And I was sadly out of town last week, but it got canceled. I was so happy to find out. I'm sad for you guys. I'm happy for me. I didn't miss it. We'll do it again shortly, but he can only be the surprise guest once, so there won't be a fog machine. That's fine. I was nervous about the end. It had been a long time since I had performed. He was great. There were a lot of fists.

pumps. Yeah. He came in hot. There's a lot of pieces to it because you're trying to keep somebody in that sort of back room. And so he has to also do... I have to operate the smoke machine. He has to operate the smoke machine because I don't have like a, you know, a gear you're on. I don't have an attendant. There's no way for you to cue me, really. No, so I start playing the music loud enough that I think he can hear it. And I'm like, it's time. And he's like, let's do it again. You know what?

You know what I love? You've continued to be at the Groundlings your whole life. It's so impressive and so awesome. I'm very jealous of it. It's so great. I guess that's just my last question. I say this all the time. It's been so fun, the ride, but it didn't ever get better for me than the Sunday company.

If I'm measuring fun and like the right reasons and no expectations. And that crazy schedule that you couldn't get comfy. No. And then you get used to that. And also you make so many mistakes that probably the healthiest thing I've ever done is I bombed enough so quickly that I was like, and I just stopped caring. And you're like, you're going to fall on your face repeatedly and often.

And that's what Sunday Company, and then to watch everybody else just be like, yeah, who cares? Yeah. Of course you're going to bomb. Well, actually, I would say that my funnest memories are all of bombs. Yes. Even if it's so skinny at that moment, but later. You walk off stage in the dark and then you get in the green room and you turn and you look at each other to acknowledge how bad it was. That exact moment for me is the funnest feeling of my whole existence. Just a real dunk of shame. And you go...

They didn't laugh once. That was terrible. And there's different kinds. It's like sometimes they just weren't getting it. And then other times you were like, I was palpably hated. Not only do they not like what I'm selling, they're angry at me and they strongly dislike it. They didn't like the product and they did not like the delivery device. They didn't like the product.

Oh, it's so fun. All right. Well, I adore you guys. I hope everyone listens to Hildy, the bar back and the lake of fire. I listened to it. It's so well done. I can't believe that's your first foray into this. It's really, really well executed. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Thanks for putting on costumes with us. Yeah. Thanks for eventizing. I'm going to go to Trader Joe's now. I'm going to go shopping. Amazing. The last thing they said to her, they're like,

You don't have to go to the bathroom, do you? How does that happen? You're going to have to cut the back. I'm just going to claw my way out of it. Paul Colgan style. All right. Love you guys. Love you guys. Stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong. We're in the dog days of warmth. I just looked at the calendar ahead. Next Tuesday, it stops.

Or it begins, however you want to look at it. Fall will be here. It'll be in the 60s. Phew. Oh, good. Phew. Yeah, I'm ready. You like your heat, though, but you're on foot. Is that why you're not liking it? I like sweaters. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love sweaters, and yeah, I've been hot lately from my wogs. Yeah, because your car is being fixed. It's fixed. It's fixed. It arrived today. You saw it? I just saw it. How does it look?

It does. It looks great. You're not going to believe it. Okay, let's tell people this story. Let's just say that you had a little incident with a pole. I did. A passenger rear door. Mm-hmm. And it's pretty demolished. Mm-hmm. And you took it. Didn't look good. For an estimate somewhere to get fixed. And what was the estimate? $10,000. $10,000, right. Yeah.

And so I said, hey, I got a great guy like in the valley, Louie. Louie. Who I found through Tyler, who's fixed my shit all the time. He's fixed the back of the truck. I have ruined the tailgate of my pickup truck three full times with the trailer where the fuel tank on back crushed the... I've always found him so affordable. So I asked him, I put you on a chain. I said, can you help my friend Monica? Yeah. All right, so original estimate was $10,000. And what was his estimate? $650,000.

It's like you either time traveled to get it done or you took it to...

Some other country. I was shocked when I got that number. And then I thought, well, there's no way. Probably once he gets in there, he's going to be like, this is more than 650. But even still, I was like, even if it's double that, it's so much. If it's quadruple that, it's still less than half of what the other. Exactly. Even I, when I heard that SML, I was like, I mean, did he look at it? Also, yeah.

There's no way he's going to be able to fix it for that price. And you're saying it looks great. It looks great. Fuck. What a delight. And it was $650. Some people are still honest. I know. I know. Maybe too honest. I just ran out there because Juancho dropped it off out there. Shout out Juancho. Yes. And I went and I got it.

And I somehow lost my phone in the process. Oh. So it's probably in the car, I hope. But I don't know. Yeah. You lose your phone enough that you can be relaxed when it's missing, right? I'm not relaxed. It's like stressing me out a little bit. I wouldn't even be able to function in this fact check. It's a good challenge to not be so attached. You're right. It's a great mental exercise. I have so much to cover. One.

Once in a blue moon, I make a list of things I want to cover in the fact check and that blue moon has arrived. Oh boy, because I also have a list. Oh, you do? Personal or episode related? Well, I have a list of facts, but then I also have personal. That's a given. Yeah. I'm going to get out my list. Okay. Do you want to go first? I don't want to presume to go first. I do want to talk about my finger. Okay, great. Okay. Let's talk about it. Okay.

So we were in- I'm gonna put this down. And I'm sorry if it's triggering that I know where my phone is. It's a little. And it's taunting me. I can see it. Oh, look, your phone. I have your phone. Now you can relax. Oh, great. We were in Austin. Mm-hmm. And it was-

It was really fun. It always delivers. Yeah. God bless Austin. It was so fun. American by birth, Texan by the grace of God. That's what they say. Yeah. They also say, bigger the hair, the closer to God. Oh, I've not heard that one. That's great. The higher the hair, the closer to God. One of those. Also, they say when you're bowling for a finish, you're followed through. Shake the hand with the Lord. Oh.

Wow, I've never heard that. Isn't that great? I'm going to try that. So we were in Austin and I was at breakfast and great breakfast. Was I there or this is a separate? You were not there. This is when I went with Ange to. Yes, you went to another lunch spot and I had a massage. So I had to, our schedules were not aligning. Okay.

So I went to- You blew me off several times, which I just, I tipped my hat to you. You really were on a, you were on your own path. Well, blowing off- I invited you to a party. Let's, we'll circle back to this conversation, okay? Earmark. So- Not a sponsor. Earmark. That's a great name for a business, actually. Earmark. Yeah. We just copyrighted it. Don't try. Don't take it. Get all the handles wrong. It's already ours. We already got it. Okay.

Okay, so I was walking. You know I love to walk when I'm on vacation. Yeah. I go to random locations and then I walk for a long time back to my original destination. Starting point. Or to my destination and my original location. Yeah. So I was like 35 minutes from the hotel and I'm walking and I'm listening to Elizabeth and Andy. Nobody's listening, right? And it's so lovely. Dream weather, 75 every day. Great weather. Yeah.

And all of a sudden, I feel like something's sort of in my hair. And since I had headphones in, I was like, oh, maybe like my thing is caught. And I swatted it with my hand.

And I got stung. Sting. And maybe even sting, sting, sting. I'm starting to wonder if there was multiple stings. Yeah. So I was shook. And I grabbed my hand. The stinger was still half in. You saw it? Uh-huh. Okay. It had white stuff. Well, then only one. No, unless it stung and then that's where it ended. Oh, okay. That's a good point. Yeah. So then I yanked it out.

I'm not sure if I got it all. Well, do you see a black dot anywhere on your hand? There's a dot. There is? You might need Carly. I don't want her to get in there. You might need her to get in there. There's nobody better. No, I know. Well, Wabi, she did it for Calvin once, too. Yeah, she's... Guys, if you're out there, use Louie as a paint and body and use my sister Carly for any minor elective surgeries. She is good at it. Anywho, so that was a bummer, right? Like, it hurt, obviously, but I was like, eh, whatever. Yeah. And...

I have a ring on that finger, a very important ring. Sweetest story. So like a super thin gold ring with a tiny, tiny diamond on it. And I bought it after I booked my first commercial here. See, that's the really cute part. Yeah, it was really cute. You went out and spoiled yourself a little bit. I did. Yeah. I was proud of myself for booking that role. Yeah, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself.

I was. And I, yeah, so I bought that ring. So this is like 12 years ago, probably, 13. Yeah, a little 25-year-old baby. I barely take that ring off. I've taken it off a couple other times in life for like an hour. Yeah. But it's hard to get off even when, even normally, it's very hard to get off. It fits perfectly.

Like a glove. And I didn't anticipate what would happen next, which is that my hand, my finger would start swelling like crazy. Ballooned up. We could use the word ballooned. Yeah. And so by the time, the next morning, by the time I looked at it, the finger was enormous. Yeah. And the ring was...

extremely tight. I took one look at it and then I had to fight off a panic attack because, you know, my only phobias are really claustrophobia. Somehow that fits in claustrophobia for me. I don't wear rings because the few times I've put them on, even if it's a little questionable whether it's going to come off, I panic. Yeah. And in fact, like on parenthood, I had to wear a wedding ring.

And I got to wear a heat... The only way I can wear one is if it's way too big. Oh. And then it's falling off. I know. So it's a whole thing. Yeah. But I hate that. So I took a look at that and I was like, fuck that. We got to get that off you right now. Should I go buy pliers? I know. And I said, absolutely not. This is a very important ring. Yeah. It's a source of all your good luck. Yes. We'll get into that because...

So I was like, this is an important ring. Without it, who am I? And yes, all my money and luck and a fortune is attached to this ring. Yeah. And safety and security. Yes. So I was like, it'll be fine. This is probably the biggest it'll get. It'll go down and it'll be fine. Cut to like the next day.

It's worse. Was that a Thursday you got it? I got it on Thursday. Stung on Thursday. Friday, it didn't look good. Saturday, it didn't look good. No. And Sunday, I was flying home. Yeah. We flew separately. Yeah. I woke up and I was like...

Oh, my God. What am I doing? Like, I'm about to get on this plane. The pressure is going to be so intense on the plane. And what if it's a blood—like, I hadn't thought about this, but I was like, what if this is like a blood clot situation? I said immediately this could be gangrene. I know. Gangrene I'm not as worried about as I am a blood clot and an aneurysm because I'm very scared of aneurysms.

Okay, and then I need to point out, we were recording yesterday and I pointed this out. I'm going to point it out here. This wonderful juxtaposition of you both being terrified of aneurysms and blood clots. And what I might deem a hypochondriac, I know you'll push back on that, but I think you're a hypochondriac.

And simultaneous to being a hypochondriac, when you have legitimate injuries and problems, you completely ignore them. So case in point- I just think they'll be fine. That's ignoring them. Your ear was so infected and nearly gangrenous-

And you let it go on for, how long was that escapades? A month? It was a while. It was so long. You look like you were a rugby player or an MMA fighter. You look like you had cauliflower ear. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. You had cauliflower ear. No, don't say that. And I had a cauliflower. Don't stop saying cauliflower. You had cauliflower ear down in Louisville. Louisville. I didn't have that.

Okay, it was disgusting. It was, it looked like you were gonna go septic or sepsis, whatever the word is, really quickly. And then people may remember I performed a surgery on you. You did. And it's a great video. Back to Carly. She watches it weekly. She loves that video. Probably used to brush up on her skills. Yeah. So Sunday morning, I think, what have I done? I've made a huge mistake.

Also, I'm flying separately from you. So if I have an aneurysm, I'll be by myself. Yeah. I hadn't even anticipated the fact that that could be. I thought like, you know, the pressure, but I was like, I'll deal with it. I'll put ice on it. But then when I got in my head that there could be a blood because, you know, you are more prone to blood clots on a plane. Yes, that's true. So because of inactivity.

Right, but since I was pulling up all the blood in my finger, I didn't know what I was, I didn't know what I had set myself. Yeah, I don't wanna beat a dead horse, but when you don't have circulation, what you risk is that that blood will become necrotic and poisonous. And when that happens, it starts spreading. And then we're lobbing off body parts.

People get gangrene on their toe and they lose their whole foot. So like you were fucking, you're playing with fire. I was playing with fire. And you're worried about a clot, which is not the right thing. Now we'll get comments from physicians. Maybe I'm wrong. Hold on. I know I'm being a little too heated. Yeah. But as your friend, I'm like, let's get this thing off you before you have cancer. What if you didn't have your middle finger right now? I know. Look, it's still a little precarious. We'll get to that. You struggle with your self-image enough. AI had in there four fingers on one hand. You think you're going to overcome that?

Yes, I'm very strong. You're a babe and you think you're a dog. Imagine now you have nine fingers all in. You'd have to cut off another one to make it even. That's a side note. Now, I did decide that morning that this ring's probably got to go before I get on this plane. But then I thought, how the fuck am I going to do that? So then I went into the cupboard at the hotel and I got the wine opener and I was trying to use that to get it off.

That is a pretty good idea. Why are you looking like that? That's a good idea when there's no pliers around. That's a terrible idea. Why? That's the sharpest object. And all you were going to add to that, yes, it's a sharp object that you're going to be going like this with. It's so not controlled. You're going to be putting a ton of pressure on the corner of that. And you're going to now slice open your big donut finger. I was worried about that. Your water weenie finger. The-

The fucking ring's still going to be on there. Now you're gushing blood. I mean, maybe some of the pressure. Anyways. Anyway, I tried it a couple times. Didn't work. I'm so glad you didn't slice your finger in half. So then I get to the airport and I am starting to panic a little bit. I get my ice.

I'm trying to ice it. Nothing's really happening. And then I decide to buy, I had Advil already. I decided to buy aspirin and Benadryl. Aspirin in case of the clot in here. You want to thin out your blood a little bit. I need to add to people too so they understand because we haven't really given them. I need people to understand that the diameter of your middle knuckle on your middle finger is,

was twice the size of the diameter of where the ring was. I need people to understand this is a real cartoonish Robert Crumb drawing of a finger. I have a picture. It doesn't do it justice, but I can post that. It had that sense that if you poked it with a tiny needle, it would pop. Yeah, and I was poking it. It didn't pop. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare.

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And also, okay, our poor—one of our bosses was on our flight who we had just met. Oh, really? You didn't tell me that. Yes. On your flight. On my flight. Yeah. And I—and she's awesome. We had just met her. Yeah. And poor thing, I, like, emailed her and I was like, are you on this flight? And she said, yes, great. See you at the airport. And then she texted me, I'll see you there. And I was like, yeah. Also, my finger—

I got stung by a bee. My finger's huge and I'm a little worried it's going to explode. I feel eight years old right now. Yeah, I did. I felt like I was so glad there was going to be somebody else there in case I died. Okay. Poor her because she has two kids and she was on this vacation. It was her first...

Trip without kids. And now she has you as a kid. Deal with this kid. And she was so cute. She like arrived at the terminal with some ice, which was really nice. I had already got some ice for myself, of course. I also text my friend Sally, who is on the East Coast.

Because it was early, so I knew all my friends on the West Coast would be asleep. So I texted Sally from Argent. I did not know it had gotten to this level. Yeah, I know. I didn't tell you. Remember when you cut your finger in your apartment?

Yes. It sounds very similar. But that, you are saying it's serious and now you're trying to act like it's not serious. So that's why I wanted to, that's why I wanted to set the table correctly that this was a problem. Okay. Now you're trying to act all like, well, it wasn't a problem, you're a hypochondriac. No, it's a problem. But calling a friend in New York

Why? What? Well, how is she going to be a part of the game plan? Well, why don't you keep listening? Okay, okay. So I said, Sally, hey, I'm so sorry to bother you. Hey, guy. Do you know any doctors or medical professionals on the East Coast who could be up right now?

And she said, yes. And so she put me on two texts with two different people. Okay. And I sent Sally a picture of my finger and she sent the picture to them and said, this is Monica. This is what happened. And I just said, hey, I'm just, you know, I'm about to get on the flight. I'm wondering if I should do anything. Should I take, oh, this is another thing. I really didn't want to take the Benadryl because I didn't want to be sleepy all day.

Okay. Okay. You're juggling a lot of objectives. Do I need to take this Benadryl? I also have aspirin. Am I at risk for a blood clot?

And the doctor said, he said, keep an eye on it. Maybe take the Benadryl. If it's starting to change color, you need to go to the ER and have it cut off. Right. At the ring. Yeah. And just really quick, not to escalate this, but it would change color not because of a blood clot.

It doesn't matter. He was just, yeah. He said I wasn't at risk for the blood clot, so I felt better. I was like, okay, then this is fine. However, the second medical professional was like, can you get the ring off? You definitely need to take Benadryl. She seemed scared, more scared. Okay. Okay. Was there a lot of exclamation points in her text? How do you know she was scared? I could tell by the way it was punctuated. What if her text response said,

Stop this exchange. Dial 911. That's what it felt. Yeah. That's what it felt. You kind of wanted them to say that. No, I didn't because I was like, I got to get home. Right. I want to go home now. Yeah. I can't.

I took the Benadryl. Yeah. We get on the plane. I'm there with our boss. Yeah. She's taken me. You seated next to each other? Yeah, she saved me a seat, which was really nice. Oh, wow. Anyway, we chatted the whole time. We had a great flight. It was so fun. My finger didn't explode. Oh, okay, great. And I knew it wasn't clotting, so I was like, great, thank you.

So Jess picks me up from the airport. I'm like, this is what happened. He was like, oh my God, that looks horrible. We need to do something about this. And I was like, no, I made it through the flight. So I think it's at its peak now. I think it's going to go down. It's going to be fine. Yeah, yeah. I'm back feeling very confident. Yeah, bullish. Then I woke up the next morning and it looked horrible. Well, in the middle of the night, it got hot and itchy. Yeah, and that had been happening for a couple of days.

And that's the other thing. It's still happening. Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night. It's like on fire and so itchy. Yeah. What the fuck is going on? Histamines. It's sending histamines there. So anyway, yesterday, I mean, Monday, I arrive. The finger is looking blue enough for me to be like, all right.

We got to. And so you cut it off. Hold on a second. Okay, now you can step in. That's not exactly what happened. You didn't come to me and say, all right, I'm ready. In my head, I did. You said nothing. And then I looked at your finger and I said, by God, Monica, please let me cut that ring off. Well, I said, I knew and I arrived at the-

And you stole all my money. And then I snipped it off. Yeah, you did. Real quick, everything was solved. Yeah, well, it did immediately help. I was like, yeah, that definitely needed to be off. And the swelling went down. Swelling went down within a few hours. Like, it went down a lot. It's still swollen. Sure, sure, sure. But it's not a water weenie. It's not.

Not at all what it looked like. I was able to move the ring to a different finger and I just like sort of kind of closed it up in the back and I felt safe. Yeah. But I...

It's not going to last like that. It's a very easy soldering for somebody. But am I going to go through all that trouble for this? All that? Ask Wancho to go to a jewelry store and get it soldered? Well. That doesn't sound very hard. It's like a $200 ring. It's like I'm going to do all this. Yes, of course. And in fact, that's a great like message. Don't let exterior forces define value for you.

That ring means more to you than your $1,000 bone cuff or however much that thing is. Oh, yeah, much, yeah. So, of course, spare no expense because that has real value. Fuck, I'm saying the opposite in my head. I'm like, Monica, stop. Stop.

You need to stop putting so much emphasis on material items. Like it's a ring. Yeah. It's not that big of a deal. It's not in charge of your destiny. Yes. It doesn't have magic powers. Yes. But it is a thing that you bought as a reward for yourself when you came to a place to try to do something that was very hard and you did it and you were proud of yourself. And that's very sweet. And that's probably the most important piece of jewelry you actually have. It is. But I'm not throwing it away. Well, no, get it fixed. Okay, fine. My God.

God, we're so mixed messages. Send it to Louie. I bet if he can fix your door for $6.50, he'll have this ring back on your finger for $12. Okay? Yeah. Louie, are you listening? I don't think he's a listener. Yet. Yeah, that's a good point.

So all to say that was the drama. And I am really sad about the ring and I'm going to decide maybe I will fix it. It's very thin gold. I mean, I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. And my finger still really hurts and is really itchy. But it's way, way significantly better. Just like your ear got better really quick. Yeah. Now, I know the issue you're trying to confront on this recent life challenge is don't assign so much power to these things. Yeah. And that's a great one. Yeah.

But I would like you to also consider paying less attention to the things you don't have and more attention to the problems you do have. What do you mean? Like you'll spend so much time worrying about a blood clot that you don't have. And then you're not spending a lot of time on your ear or your finger, which are clearly fucked up. So maybe just also that I take that back. You're on your own path. It's going great.

It's going pretty good. It's going really good. Back to Austin. Yeah. Really fun time. Yes. We did a couple panels. Yeah. We had fucking shout out, not a sponsor, Lambert Steakhouse. Oh my God. Guys, we went out to eat on Wednesday with lovely Adam Grant. He was part of our panel. Yep. Went to Lambert's. I got the ribeye. Yeah. And three bites in, the addict died.

I need a second one of these because the thought of this being over is terrifying. It was so good. I don't know what's in it.

A friend suggested it might have been marinated with maple syrup. Yeah. It had horseradish, which you don't generally like, smeared all over the top with this very sweet glaze, charred medium. The fat was all melted. It was so sweet. I mean, it was just like sugar. It was like a Snickers bar or something. Yeah, it was delicious. My God, it was so good. And all I thought about every 10 minutes following that meal was getting another one. So we went back in two days. Yep.

And I did no sides or anything. Yep. And just did two rib eyes. You did two. Fuck. And I was worried, but you did just fine. I felt so strong. Yeah. I felt like a bull. Yeah. I almost ran out the side of the restaurant through the brick wall instead of using the door.

It was so good. Yeah. Got to go to Barton Springs. Yep. It was closed one day. Heartbreaker. I can never seem to remember their clothes for cleaning on Thursday. I can't tell you how many times I've driven there on Thursday, unloaded all my shit, walked to the gate and go, oh yeah, that's right. They cleaned it on Thursday. That happened again.

But went out with Rory and Ange a couple times. Big shout out to Rory and Ange. Lent us an outrageously beautiful car. Couldn't rent a car. No inventory because F1 weekend. Yep. So I got this beautiful car. I'm almost embarrassed to say what it is. But I guess it's not my car. It was a Bentley. It was a Bentley. It was a green, sexy Bentley. It was gorgeous. I felt like royalty driving it. I was like, oh, I understand why people drive these cars. Yeah. Plenty.

Plush fast. And we ate Dairy Queen in there. We had not in the- We spilled it all over the car, Rory. We didn't. We went to Dairy Queen twice and you said, are we going to eat in the car? And I said, of course we're not going to eat in this car. This car costs as much as a house. How fucking rude could that be? Borrow someone's family and go to Dairy Queen. I was like- Oh, you also got a dip cone, which was a fucking mess. There was shit leaking all over all the side. You would have destroyed that car. I know.

Well, I was more like, how are we going to do this? Like, I didn't even consider the fact that we wouldn't eat. I've never done that. Yeah. So that wasn't even an option in my head. So I was kind of like, is this a good idea, us going to Dairy Queen in this car? Right. But I knew we were going to eat outside because it's a dicey Dairy Queen, which I like. There's like, the parking lot is potentially... That's why I don't even think it's an option. There's certainly been gunshots in the parking lot. How many, I won't claim, but...

Definitely they've been inside the Dairy Queen and heard gunshots. And I like that. You sit outside and people, there's shit going on. Anyways,

Then we went to the sprint race. Yeah, which was so fun. So fun. Great race. We got to go with Amazon, which was really nice. Really fun. Guests of Amazon. And Max Verstappen, who had not won in a while, won the sprint race, which made me so happy. Yep. Didn't win the big race, but that's okay. Oh, he didn't. He didn't. But Charles Leclerc didn't. That's nice. He hasn't won in a while, too, and I love Charles Leclerc. Okay, great. Yeah.

Yeah, that was fun. You were a good luck charm. I was a good luck charm. Then we went, same day. This might be the most eventful day ever. Huge day. When you talk about like going to see Beyonce or going to see Taylor Swift or going to a Super Bowl, we got two of them in one day. A Formula One race in Austin is an event of a lifetime. And then in the evening, what did we do? We went to the Texas-Georgia game. Texas-Georgia. This was the game of the century. Huge game.

I had not been, I had only been to a UCLA game and no disrespect to my alma mater. What a fucking joke of a show they put on at UCLA compared to what's happening in Texas. What's happening in the SEC. The SEC. Yeah, I know you're horny for the SEC. You must have said SEC like 12 times while we were there. Because that's the truth.

I'm sure you're right. I know nothing about that. Well, yeah. But you kept going like SEC. Yeah, now you're in the SEC. It was the first, because I was telling you, I'm confused because I don't remember us ever playing Texas while I was at Georgia. So I was confused. The Longhorns, hook them. Ew.

Then I checked in with my friend Robbie, who knows everything about college football. And I said, I don't remember this. And he said, we didn't play them because they just joined the SEC this year. First year. So it was a big deal. They're playing in the big leagues now. Yep. That was mostly your point. Yep. It was because they were number one going into this game. Okay. All great. They bring out Bovey. Is that the name of the mascot? I think. A longhorn. Hook him.

2,000 pound biggest mascot. Okay. What are we going to do? We're going to fight on this. I wanted to have the fight while we were there. You were mad at me.

Quite a bit. Yeah, you were mad at me quite a bit. I wasn't really mad, but now I'm getting actually mad. You were kind of actually mad at me, if you don't remember. I wasn't because I knew why. I understood why you were pretending to be a Texas fan there. Because should we be, can we tell people what we were doing? Yeah, we were guests of my new boyfriend, Matthew McConaughey. Well, we didn't see him. We didn't see him because he's on the field. I can do 45 minutes of McConaughey. McConaughey is the actual mascot of...

Texas football. The Longhorns. Bevo. Divo? Bevo. B-E-V-O. Bevo. We're sure that's how you pronounce it? No, I have no idea. Bevo, Bevo. If we were filming a movie of what happened, my guess is we're going to have to do about 12 takes to get the timing right of what happened when they showed McConaughey on the

Big screen. Well, first of all, the place is incredibly on fire. Oh, yeah. They're going so fucking hard. The jets fly over. There's smoke everywhere. They're running out fucking pyrotechnics. Bovi or Bud Bevy or Dovim, they run her out or him out. The Longhorns, you got to hook them. And then going around and then...

They show all the fun footage and everything, and they're kind of showing famous alumni and everything. And then all of a sudden they show like some person's famous face and then a thing. And then they show like a mystery face and all of a sudden goes to a live shot and McConaughey's back is to the camera, right? And the second that shot comes on, he throws his head back and gives up the horns. Yeah.

It was fantastic. It was glorious. It was really good. Fuck. I'm like, this guy is magic. And he's on the field. He's the coach. He gets to be on the field. Yeah. He owns the whole place. Yeah. It's his team. It's McConaughey's Longhorns. Yeah. And he's wearing a cowboy hat and a brown leather jacket. And he turned around and gave the horns and his fucking face was glistening. I was like, this motherfucker is a star. He is a star. There's no getting around it. I know you are.

And we were a guest of his. It was so sweet. We were in his suite. Yes. And we were with his friends and his family and they were all loving. Oh my God. Nicest group of folks. That's telling, by the way. Like I only know McConaughey so much. We went up Lambert's ding, ding, ding. Yep. And then we've interviewed him, but,

I think when you meet people's friends. Huge. Yeah, you really understand who the person is. And his kids were so polite and nice and sweet. Oh, that is lovely. Two things. A, I love Austin. Austin is my place, you know, it's my spiritual calling. That's not the right word. Even though. It's my spiritual center. I asked you if you. I love Austin. You know, I've wanted to move there a bunch of times.

I told you recently, I really, if I had to do it all over again, I went to another college. It would definitely be University of Texas, Austin. I feel like that's my vibe. You can't...

You can't even walk with me a little bit on this. I can't because you already told me on the trip that you would rather live in Paris than Austin. No. I think we were talking about time teleporting. No, we were not. I said something about Austin and then you said, well, I don't know if I wouldn't pick Paris. Okay. But again, I don't speak French. Oh, God.

All right. So as much as I love Paris, I'm not actually, when it comes down to it, certain I would live in Paris over Austin. None of this is here nor there. It's here. So I, of course, wanted to support Texas because of our host. But then also, I love Texas. I love University of Texas. I love them. No, you don't. I don't.

What do you mean I do? How do you love a place you've never been? Do you remember my last trip there? I went to the campus and wandered around and I was looking at how they positioned the campus on the Capitol sight line. Do you remember? I've never wandered the campus of any other college other than Harvard. Yeah, but

Yeah, but wander the campus. I'm at my hotel. I'm like, you know, I got to walk around UT. I like this. I'm going to go look at this place. I love this place. Anyways. Anyhoes. Okay, so. So I decided to maintain my integrity. You know, I'm at a real crossroads here before we go to this game because I am like, what the fuck am I going to do? Am I going to not wear Georgia clothes? Because that feels like real.

really wrong in my bones. Now here's my issue. So I was, do you remember...

I was 100% supportive of you wearing your red. And I said, they'll love having you in the suite. It's fun to have one of the rivals there. Sure. So I was like very supportive and I said they would like it. And they did. They were like, oh, good. Yeah, they did. We had a Georgia fan. Then there was fun. There was secretly three Georgia fans there, which we found out, which was fun. That was fun. And so I was very supportive of you rooting on Georgia. And I don't know why you were so mad I was rooting on Texas. Yeah.

Do you, you don't see the difference, me rooting for Georgia, a school I went to? No, no, I fully understand why you were supporting Georgia. But yes, so it's not an equivalent for you to root for a school that you didn't go to and have no connection to. But I like and have an affinity for, and I would naturally, if you're not in the picture and I'm in Texas at that game, I'm rooting for the Longhorns.

That's fine. I'm just like— I don't know why it's a betrayal. It became a betrayal, or it's potentially a betrayal. It makes no sense. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Like, if I'm with you at some anthropology conference, and it's like UCLA anthropology versus Harvard anthropology, and I'm like, yeah, I'm here for Harvard, right?

You'd be like, why? I mean, I love Harvard. Harvard's amazing. Yeah, I am. It's great. I love the campus. I guess my comp was if we go to the Formula One race and you're rooting for Lando Norris to pass Max. Max is my driver. I don't mind at all if you're rooting for... I don't want... I don't need you to be rooting for the same person I am. But it's not the same when...

And none of us like are friends with any of the F1 players or... I was. Well, we were exactly... We were friends with Danny. And so for me... By the way, we fought over that. So this is consistent. Okay. Because you in the past were like, how are you saying Max is your favorite driver when your friend is Daniel Ricciardo? Yeah. I think that's... And I said, I am friends with Daniel and I love him and I would help him move furniture. He's my friend.

That doesn't mean I have to have him as my favorite driver. I'm not friends with him because he's my favorite driver. I'm friends with him because I like him. Yeah. And my favorite driver is Max Verstappen. Like, I don't know how else to say it. And I don't.

That was fine with me. Well, of course it's fine with you. That's your opinion and your decision. Yeah. I don't require people to like what I like to be friends with me. I don't require... If a friend of mine's favorite podcast is Rogan over our show or Smart List, that doesn't bother me at all. No, that doesn't.

That doesn't bother me at all either. So why would Ricardo demand that I'm rooting? I'm going to root for someone that's going to win. And Ricardo wasn't in a position to win since we've been friends. He wasn't driving for Red Bull or... You're picking based on who's going to win, not based on anything else. Well, I'm picking who I think is the best driver. I'm back to football. Okay, let's go back to football. Okay, so...

So you, it's not like you grew up a Texas fan. If you did, of course, of course, I'd be like, yeah, he's a Texas fan. This is the way it goes. You're not. Do you know what I would do though? What? Just to scramble your brain a little bit further. If we were watching Georgia play UCLA, I would have rooted for Georgia. How much does that fuck you up? Because I will say, and I explained this to you when we were there.

If I have a team, the only team I watch games of in the last couple years are U of M and Georgia. As you remember, I got very excited when Georgia won. It was very fun. I like rooting for them. And I...

was rooting for Texas that night, but I like Georgia very much. I like Georgia more than I would want UCLA to win. Then if we threw U of M in there, that'd be very confusing. I'd probably want U of M to win over UCLA, even though I didn't even go there. That I can get behind. Again, that makes more sense to me. You grew up in Michigan. Of course you want Michigan to win things. Yeah. That

does not make sense. It does to me because Austin's my place for 21 years since I did Idiocracy there. Well, they lost and it was really fucking fun for me to be there and us really crushed. Welcome to the SEC, Texas, because you are in a little over your head. Okay. Great. Great. I was proud of my boys. My Georgia boys.

You know I went there, right? Oh, yeah. I know. Yeah, dogs. It's not an arbitrary. Sick them. Oh, that's the first time I've ever heard you say that. No, it's not. Yeah, it is. I've said sick them a lot. I like to say these little catchphrases. Roll tide, sick them, hook them horns. But I think if we dare, we don't have time. What? But the core, if like a therapist was sitting here. Uh-huh.

We both know what the core of this is. My fear is that you don't have any loyalty. That's right. You pick things I don't pick as a test of loyalty. I pick things you don't pick. Well, there were two things on the trip that were kind of tests of loyalty. Okay, what was the other? Oh, like a serious thing? Yeah. And so you and I have different baseline of what we expect from people who love us. What do you expect?

That you don't gossip behind my back. Even though, you know, you've gossiped about people behind their, we have gossiped about people we love behind their back. Me and you together, so I know it's true. Well, okay. I mean, this is, this is, I think there's differences in this. And you have commended me in the past, and I'm not someone who talks shit about all my friends. You're not. You've like commended me for that. You don't talk shit, but me and you have talked about people.

But generally, I think we've talked about people who have real, like that are going through real problems. Yeah. And I'm not getting off on the, do you hear so-and-so? No. I know the difference. I do too. Yeah. So when you're excited to share information about somebody else, to raise your personal status, because you have a secret.

That you've been entrusted with. That is one thing to me. So at any rate. But we do like. We have different criteria. And that's just how it is, unfortunately. Like you and I have different criteria. And those are not going to ever match up. Like I'm never going to say an enemy of yours is an enemy of mine. Mm-hmm.

And I'm never going to love someone because you love them. I'll either love the person or hate the person, but it won't be that. Our friendship will have nothing to do with that. And I'll either love or hate Georgia because I love or hate Georgia. I don't take on my friends lists of, you know, allies and enemies. Yeah, which is fine with me. It's just when you have no skin in the game at all.

I don't understand why you wouldn't just, like for me, if I don't have a, like I'm not going to switch my view. Like if I'm a Georgia fan and you're a huge Michigan, like this insane Michigan fan, I'm of course not going to be like, I guess now I'm a Michigan fan because for Dak. And by the way, I don't want a friend like that. No, I know. Yeah. But if I have no connection, zero. Now you and I could debate that you think I have no connection and that's fine. I did not go to school there.

But 21 years ago, I did a movie there and I fell in love there. And I go there more than any other place. Yes, I know that. I mean, just by a factor of 10. I've been to Austin over the last 21 years, 10 times more than any other place. Yeah. I love it there. I've walked the campus. I love it there. I want them to win. I love that town.

I loved the stadium. I loved what was happening. You don't think I have any business loving them, but I do. Okay. Because I love Austin. I get it. I just can't relate. Right. Because if I, I think if I really do believe if it was reversed and we were in New York. Okay. New York is my favorite city. I fucking love it. I want, I, if we're in New York and they were doing something against something you cared about. Yeah. I would be rooting for who you wanted to win because I, I,

I love New York, but I'm not, that's all I do is I love it. Like I can't, I don't feel like. You would show your love for me the way you want me to show my love for you. But I don't want you to root for anything I root for. Like that's what's, that's the, that's the huge chasm between us. That's the thing that's hard for us to resolve because you would do that for me. And I don't want. It's not for you.

It's just like, why wouldn't I pick the side of the person I care? Why wouldn't I do that when I have no I have no reason not to do it? That's the thing. Like, sure. It's not for you. Well, I'm doing a big thing for you right now. If they were playing the Oklahoma Sooners, I would have rooted for Georgia. Yeah.

Yeah. If it means nothing, of course. Right. Yeah, I get that. But I get that. Okay. I have a bunch of stuff, but the only thing I, the top priority of mine is to talk about the English teacher. Oh, wow. Yeah. Fantastic. That's number one priority. Right. In retrospect, I should have said it just at the top for a second as a teaser, but maybe I'll say it in the intro.

We have watched The English Teacher on Hulu and we fucking love it.

It's so goddamn good. It is. And it's more than just good. Yeah. There's something important about it too. Yeah. And I'll tell you, it's like an evolution for me. Let's hear it. Which is, and I can admit all this, you know, there was some period in the evolution of comedy since I've been in it for 30 years where people made fun of different groups. Those groups didn't have an equal microphone. Yeah.

Yeah. And it was unfair. It was lopsided. If a white comedian's making jokes about Toyota Camry ownership in the Indian community, there's no one else there to punch back. Then Husson comes along and he makes tons of jokes about the Toyota Corolla or Camry. And as groups have become disenfranchised. So what I was worried about in that spell is there was some part of me that has a core belief that everyone should be made fun of.

That it's like positive, it's humanizing, it's fun. If the spirit's right, it is a good part of us. And comedy is this great tool to point out things in a very special way that only comedy can do. So the notion to me that no one was going to get made fun of anymore was a little concerning to me. Now what has happened, and this show to me is like one of the...

of this is that the solution was give all of these disenfranchised groups platforms in representation in shows and time on stage and all this and

And they'll make fun of themselves. Or others. And us. Yeah, everyone. And everyone, you know, whatever group. But Huston's making fun of Indians in a great way. Think it still needs to happen. You know, this group's making fun of this group. But to have a gay show creator and lead actor. Yes. Brian Jordan Alvarez, who's the lead of the show and he is the creator. Yeah. To let him handle that whole zone of gayness in a society

School, as an openly gay teacher, is just great. And the perspective's better. Definitely. The perspective is so complete. So everything's happening at once. He's like making great points we should all think about. Then he's making fun of some things that are nuts. Totally. And it's him doing it, so it feels great. Yeah, it feels safe. Yeah. And I'm like, all right, here we go. This is kind of the thing I...

I minimally hoped would happen over time, which is like, yeah, we should keep fucking poking at everyone, but it should be the people in the group doing the poking. Yeah. It's such a funny show. It's so good. We had only known about it because they said our show on it. They did. And then I...

fucking narcissistically only went and watched that thing because people told me oh it's like yeah I watched the clip now that I've watched the whole show now I feel insanely flattered yes that he brought us up in this show that is perfection it's great fuck it makes me happy it's so flattering

Okay, I'm going to do a few facts quickly, very quickly. The big hit of KiwiSketch, people should watch that. It's called Taste Test. It's on SNL. But if you type that in, you can find it. It's so funny. When did Dangerous Liaisons come out? 1988. 1988.

Ooh. And is this- One's years old. Just one's years old. The snake pit is still there. Oh, it is? Mm-hmm. Oh, great. What did Sidney Poitier- Poitier. Poitier. He won the Academy Award for Lilies of the Field. Oh, never seen it. Yeah, me either. You should. It's your middle name.

It is. One of the actors in their podcast, one of the voice actors in their podcast that we were discussing. The Aussie? Yes. Well, she's from New Zealand. She's a Kiwi. Speaking of Kiwi, big kitty Kiwi. Her name's Anna Scottney. And they were saying that they saw her in a Taika movie. That movie is called The Breaker Uppers. Taika produced it. Okay. The Breaker Uppers. Mm-hmm.

And Gloria Steinem, we are linked, not ranked. Love that. She brought that up. Melissa brought that up. And there's a store and there's bracelets. Oh. Yeah. Let the cat out of the bag. I just wanted to look up the explanation for that phrase.

In medieval markets, animals like piglets, chickens, and ducks were sold in sacks. Dishonest merchants would sometimes swap out a pig for a cat when the customer looked away. The buyer wouldn't realize they'd been cheated until they got home and opened the bag, which is when they would have let the cat out of the bag. Oh, wow.

I know. I liked that. And that's it. That's that? Yes. Oh, wonderful. Okay, I want to say this. Yes. Maybe it was said in the episode. I don't know. But people will go, and they'll be right to do this. They'll go, what is going on? This is a Monday video. Yep.

And you'll have a great point. Yeah. You'll win an argument with us. What happened is they arrived in those outfits and I said, this is insane to not have a visual for this. And so that's why. That's why. And sorry, but it's a bonus. It's bonus. So if you're listening to this, you could be watching it if you want. Yes. And it's worth it because they look hilarious.

Last thing, I'm sorry. It's okay. People have pointed out, and I think they're dead right. If you recall in our Jeff Bridges interview, when it started out, he said, I think I just saw you playing an addict in something. Oh. And I was like, yeah, I don't think I've played an addict. Remember, there's a confusion. I do remember that. And people were very smart to point out. Zach Braff played an addict in Bad Monkey, which was great.

Definitely airing at that moment. He had thousand percent thought. That is so funny. Isn't that great? Wow. That's fantastic. It's still happening. I will say the, recently he posted a picture of something, of him, like with some kid. And I think the kid is like touching his face. So I can't, you couldn't see his face completely, but I was scrolling on Instagram and I a hundred percent thought it was you. You thought there was a little kid touching my face. Yes. Yeah. Wow. Here we go. 20 years in and it's still happening. I know. I know.

It's great. All right. I love you. Love you. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.

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