Armchair Anonymous: Parent-Teacher Conference
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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Buckroger Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Monsoon-Padman. Today we're talking school days. Yes, parent-teacher conference, which people probably just had some year end. Oh yeah, probably. Yeah. Did you go to any?

No, I think the last ones I participated in were spring. I have a weird take. I kept trying to float this with some of the teachers we talked to. None of them were buying it. I learned in this episode I'm off base.

But my thinking is, it's just this thing we make them do where they have to come and tell us how great our kids are. It feels exhaustive and like pageantry. Like if there's a problem, call me, let me know, let's deal with it. But all the like, your kid's so perfect, it feels a little pandering. I agree they shouldn't say, your kid's so perfect, but they should say strengths and weaknesses. It's good to know strengths and weaknesses. I mean, I think parents are there just to hear how great their kids are. Well, that's a parent problem.

I just always feel bad for the teacher. Yeah, I get that. Well, you will after listening to this story. Definitely feel bad for the teacher. Yeah, these were great. There's no blood or duty. This one everyone can listen to. I can confirm. Yeah, unless you have a trigger about losing your hair. I guess that's the only one we should be careful of. Even that, I think, well, I don't know. I don't want to assume. Yeah.

It's not safe to assume. Okay, no one should listen to this. Fuck it. We should shut this thing down, I think. Please enjoy Parent Teacher Conference.

Good morning. Morning. How are you? Yeah, my alarm didn't go off, which was bad. And you slept till 11? 10. Oh, wow. That's impressive. 10, 10. Oh, I know. But it was bad. Could you do that, Rob? No. Yeah. Maybe you should try it. I've tried it. I would love it. I'm envious. Do you feel judged?

Well, a little. Oh, no, genuinely, I would fucking kill. I would like to, as the kids, I couldn't with the kids. But even when I'm on vacation, I'm like, I'm going to 10 tomorrow morning. And then I just. Well, when you're in a routine, that's hard. But I bet you could get yourself to a routine. I could get there. Probably. If I worked hard at it, made it a goal.

Okay. Marianne. Marianne's her name. Not everyone gets to see me with my knee brace on. I was pretty lucky for them. Make sure it looks right. Yeah, you don't want the hole in the wrong spot. No, that's creepy. Hello.

Hi. Interesting name picking, Marianne. Tell us why. Actually, it's my bestie girl's name and she just loves you guys. So I'm like, well, I at least got to give a shout out to her. If I'm not going to be me, I'll be her. Okay, lovely. So you're fully anonymous in this. And I hope this question won't reveal too much about you, but

There's a very interesting background behind you. What on earth am I seeing? I am teaching summer school right now. And so I'm in someone else's classroom, but I can't fully get under this desk. But I thought maybe there's some good acoustics here. Don't you worry about that. I'm too big for the children-sized desks. Oh my gosh. But those are a million tiny little pieces of paper. Is that what's going on? It's called border. It's made to look like wood.

but it's indestructible so the kids can't tear it up. Oh my God. Should we get that everywhere? Yeah. It looks like maybe it was a history class and they're trying to create a log cap. Oh, that would be great. Or an engineering class. Okay, so presumably you're not a parent, you're a teacher. In this situation, you may be a parent, but we're talking on behalf of you as a teacher. Yes.

Okay, great. So you had a wild parent-teacher experience? Yes. So this is my second year teaching. So I'm a baby. Wait, currently it is or this is when the story took place? When this happened. When I was teaching that year, I was teaching kindergarten. That was my first time working with the little, little ones. And do they tend to start people there? Where do they think it's easiest to jump in? That is not the easiest. No.

My first year I taught third grade and then they just had to do some shifting around the building. And I was like, I'll teach anywhere, even kindergarten. And bless those people. They are so, so amazing. That is not the grade for me. Right, right. I mean, it's really borderline babysitting. You have to teach them every how to line up. There's one rolling around the room. This one's climbing up something. This one, I'm hung.

Some kid's got his clothes off all of a sudden. Some can read and write. Some have squiggles for names. Oh, my God. It's not the gig for me. So...

I'm terrified about parent-teacher conferences. You know, you have to tell parents the good, the bad. And so I had a mom that was coming up. Her baby was struggling academically, and I knew I had to have some hard conversations with her. As we start going, first I tell her all the great things about her little love. And then she starts telling me about how she had started seeing another student in class's father. Okay. The mom told you this? She started telling me, and I try to redirect the conversation.

Because, you know, conferences are quick. We've got a ton we have to get in in a short amount of time. Yes. Please note that this dad is married. Sure.

Sure. And I know he's married and I don't know if she knows that he's married. Oh my God. It's not my place to say anything. You guys do your thing. And really quick, is she telling you this in the same way Tom Cruise jumped on that couch? Like she was just so in love. She wanted to share it with anyone that would listen. Or did she think it had something material to do with her child's education? Had not a bit to do with her child's education. I think she thought we were friends and I was a safe space. Okay. Okay. And she started telling me that they're seeing each other.

And so I'm like, well, so your son. These are the letters that he knows. These are the letters he doesn't know. She's like, my friends call him my sugar daddy. Oh, okay.

Wow, she's really on one. She really can't get off topic. These are the numbers that your son knows. This is what we're working on. We're working on addition. And she's like, you know what? He pays me. He'll come over. I lift up my shirt, show him my titties, and he jacks off in the corner. Oh, my God. Oh, here we go. We're

First and foremost, thank God there's a woman telling you this story. Yeah. Yeah, if a man's telling you about this, we got to call someone. How old are you? I'm like 23. Yeah. And how old was she? She's probably roughly my age, maybe a few years older. I live a very sheltered life. Right.

Sweet, sweet life. And so I don't know that people do these things. No wonder the kid is struggling. This is all going down in this house. That's real. She can't even pay attention to the kid's numbers. I wasn't disagreeing with you. I was more thinking even further upstream, like, okay, so genetically she's one who takes money to show titties to a classmate's dad. Maybe genetically there's some stuff. I don't think that's a genetic thing.

Okay. Okay. And so at that time I was horrified, but if this were going on now, I would be like, girl, give me all the details. What's going on? We can talk about your kid later. Like tell me everything. But at that time I'm just sitting there like, okay. Then she's like, okay. And then it gets even weirder. I told him just to stop coming around. He knocks on my door. I don't answer. So he goes to the back door, knocks, knocks, knocks. And then he just says, I know you're

And then he'll eventually leave. Now, again, if she told me these things, I would have tried to help her. But I'm just in shock. I'm floored. They don't prep you for this in education courses. In fact, do you have any section on parent-teacher conferences, that aspect of the job? They teach you to sandwich the information, give them some good, give some things to work on. But they don't tell you all the wild curveballs that can come your way when you're having such conferences. Yeah.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. What would be a great ending of this story is that you guys have been now best friends for 10 years. And I know everything. No, no, no. At that point, I'm like, okay, well, we've got to wrap up this conversation. Like I've got the next family that's coming in. I'm so sorry. I call my mom. I'm like, oh my God, this just happened. And then I go tell my teammates because they've been teaching longer than I have. And they're like, this is not normal. This is not right. And

And so I was like, okay, I'm going to take this one with me. I'm going to let it go. I'm going to move on. And the next day, my boss calls me into his office. He's got a twinkle in his eye. He is smiling from ear to ear. And he's like, our parent-teacher conferences yesterday. I was like, you know everything, don't you? And he's like, tell me all of it. So I'm, again, a baby.

I am like blotchy, purple, horrified. But I tell my boss everything. And our conferences go two days in a row. So then shortly after that, I get to have a conference with that man and his wife about...

His kid. And the whole time during that conversation, I'm just thinking about him being in the corner, doing his thing, thinking about the Fat Natchies, you know? Yeah. Wow. Sure, sure. He was with his wife, but did he seem normal? Yeah, like if you were to force yourself to imagine you didn't know that detail about him, would anything have... Red flag. Red flag. No, not a bit.

Wow, you know, now that we're talking about it, I have been in many parent-teacher conferences and I like to think I'm really good at policing myself because you get disgusting as a parent because you love hearing good stuff about your kids and then you start bragging about your kids and then you're mining for more. And I realized after one or two of these, I'm like, oh, this is so gross. This brings out a really gross side of ourselves. Oh, interesting. So mostly when we have these, I'll say, look, I know your day is so hectic.

If you want to just tell us the couple things we got to work on, you don't have to do the whole thing. And some of them have been like, oh, my God, thank you. Yeah, I would love the extra 10 minutes. I try to shut them down early unless there's something going on. Was that something you would appreciate? I want to tell you about your babies. We spend all day with them. We see the good, the bad, the ugly. We think your kids are fabulous. Of course, there's things they need to work on. But I want you to know that I see that in them, too. So that way, if we have to have hard conversations moving forward, you know that.

I love them so much. Okay. So you don't feel like you're placating the parents so much? No, this job is all about relationships. And I like to talk to parents within the first few weeks of school, build that relationship. And then conference is that time where we get to really dig in and form that bond because there will be hard things that come up during the year. Wendy has also said, Wendy Mogul, it's really good to hear what teachers say about your kid.

positive and negative, but positive is important because sometimes the way they behave in school is much different than the way they behave at home. And to know how they are in a school environment is important. Right. That's a good point. A couple of child therapists, their first question is, do they do this at school? And if they don't, then really you're like, oh yeah, then they're just blowing off steam at home. Right. Because there's so many things that parents will tell me that kids do.

at home. And I'm like, never have I seen anything like that at school. And that's what I tell them. Home is their safe space where they get to let loose. They get to be themselves fully. And so it's fun having those conversations. When you have to suggest that the child might need some additional assistance, how is that met? Like if you had extreme defensiveness?

At some point, someone had to tell my mom, like, I think he's dyslexic. He probably needs to go get some testing. And people, I assume teachers have to tell parents, I think he needs to get tested for a spectrum. I don't know. I'm assuming that's happening. For sure. But we have to be so delicate in the way that we say stuff because we are not doctors and we cannot diagnose anything. So like if we think that a kid has challenges with their attention, we couldn't ever suggest that your

Your kid might have ADHD. We could say that they have a hard time focusing. Here's the things that we see. And then you might want to talk to their pediatrician about that. People don't bristle at that. That's fine. And then that's on them. And I've had a lot of parents tell me, my kid doesn't have ADHD. I don't want them on medicine. But...

I don't know. That's not what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. I just want you to know these are the things that I see. These are the challenges that they have sometimes. And I just want you to take that information and do what you will with that. Oh, boy. What a gig you guys have. Marianne, I really wish we could get an update from that mom.

I want to know what's happening now. This seems like an exciting... It almost seems like it was a... Now it's feeling sadder. Like a cry for help. Yeah. She needed to be able to say all that. And especially he was coming to the door and stuff and she wasn't answering. This got a little dark. Had it been me now, it would have gone completely different. But that's not your role. You're not there to be her therapist. That's not your fault. But it just feels like...

Yikes, lady. I would dig right in. I'd be like, wow, interesting. So he's paying. You're in love, though. OK, but you're still charging for the view.

And I do have a counseling degree now. So, I mean, I could have really turned it into a session. Like, let's dig in. I wrap this up at seven. Come back and let's really roll up our sleeves. Hey, before I let you guys go, I have one quick story for you. Yeah. I wanted to let you know how you all helped me find out that I was pregnant for the first time. Wow. Okay. This is going to be interesting. So my husband and I,

We hopped on the train to come see you. We live in the Kansas City area. We went to Chicago. You were out on your Chicago shows. So I'm excited. So pumped to see you live. The music starts playing. You all walk out. I start crying.

bawling hysterically. I've seen people do this with Elvis and the Beatles. I love people so much, but I did not expect that I would be crying and crying. And my husband looks over at me and is like, what is going on with you? I'm like, I don't know. I'm just so happy. Oh my God, I love this. The next day we're like, maybe I'll get a pregnancy test. Maybe my hormones

Maybe my hormones are just a little bit off. And we found out and it was all from Michelle. So how old's your baby now? She's a little bit over four. Oh, wow. Well, I'm glad we were a part of that story. Yeah, me too. That's very flattering. Forever. All right. Well, nice meeting you. So nice to meet you guys too. All right. Take care. Bye. Oh, I want to go back to school. I thought you were about to say, I want to go back to sleep.

I do. Oh, I want to go back to sleep. I had a tough morning. Tough morning? Well, it was just, it was so hectic. Trying to get out of the house. Well, once you see that it's 1010, you like throw the phone. I missed a meeting. Oh, gee. It wasn't that I slept through it. It didn't go off. Mm.

Mm-hmm. You didn't set it. I must not have, but I did set it. I set it for 8.30. No, but the phone doesn't make mistakes. Here's David. David. Oh, fun. Male teachers. I have a stereotype when I think of teacher. I think female. Ding, ding, ding. Just yesterday. This is weird. One of my best friends from home, Kirsten, she's a teacher. TBD. Hi.

Hi. Hi, David. It's so great to meet you, too. You, too. You look like John Mayer. Obviously, everyone must tell you that. I've never heard that before. That is the kindest thing. What? I could see it in the eyes. Sure. But also, like, sort of a little Adam Brody-esque. There's a lot of handsome stuff going on.

These are all great comparisons. I'll take any one of them. Yeah, my first thought was John Mayer's a teacher. Yeah, he's transitioned over. Second life. David, where are you? I am currently in L.A., but I live in New York. I'm just here for the week. Oh, is there an event you're attending or just on vacation? I am attending a wedding. So I'm just staying in San Marcos. I used to live here for five years and then moved to New York. OK, when you come back, do you think like, why did I ever leave or do you think I'm glad I left? What do you think?

You're just making sure you're recording. I know this looked very well. Yes. There's a third person. I don't have it yet, but it'll be coming to me. Okay, it's coming. You know what's great? We're getting a really great look at David's face from every angle. Like when you're setting your face ID with the iPhone and you have to rotate all around.

Okay, so back to California question. When you come back, are you thinking, shit, why did I ever leave? Or are you thinking, oh, thank God I left? Why did I ever leave? My wife was the big push to New York. I was trying to convince us to stay in LA. And so we split the difference and ended up in New York. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I love LA. I was a huge fan. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. I like it. Pricey, but good. I'm a West Sider. I feel like you guys are East Side folks. Well, I did do 10 years on the West Side in Santa Monica. But you identify as an East Side boy. Oh, God, yeah. I had no business there. I was the only one fighting hooligans on the street out there on the West Side. Okay, David, so you have a great parent-teacher conference story. Are you a teacher or a parent in this scenario? I'm a student.

in this scenario. A student! Wow. Interesting. Left curveball. Left curveball. That's the known saying. Yeah, so this takes place 2005-ish, where I grew up in Rockville, Maryland. I was a sophomore in high school, so probably not the most self-aware or smartest age for boys. In high school, I was a good student. I got decent grades. It was very important for my

parents that I got good grades, but I hated doing homework. I would literally do anything possible to avoid doing homework. And I had this strategy where I would just calculate if I got a zero on homework, what would I need to get on every other test in order to get an A? If homework's 5%, then if I feel like I can get a 95% in the test, then no worries, I'll do no homework. Solid approach. In my foolish 15-year-old mind, it's like I'd rather stay up all night for two nights in a row cramming rather than 15 minutes a night for the month before.

Yes. Okay. I don't want to slow the momentum down, but for me, it's Adam Scott as well. And it's when the face is in motion. Yeah, sure. All three are great ones. Really appreciate it. Adam Scott, I love. Okay. So that was the game plan. Not perfect, but mostly worked. But I had a Spanish class where my teacher was roughly three months behind on grading tests. So I had done...

Zero homework in the class. I had zero tests done. And then I was a pretty good student. So I had interim report cards where it was all A's and then one F. So less than ideal situation. And so I was constantly begging my teacher, like, could you just please grade my tests? And she was having none of it and said she would get to it when she get to it, which in hindsight,

Fair enough. She was saying, you should probably just do your homework. And I think a smarter man might have just decided to do their homework, but I was committed to my strategy. So I just kept badgering my teacher. And she said, look, if you don't like the way I'm running the class, let's set up a parent-teacher conference. We could talk about your class performance.

As a quick aside, my parents are not the hear me out type of parents. They're both lawyers. They come from families of educators. They will always side with the teacher. There is almost no scenario where they will side with me. They have a healthy skepticism of their children. And so a parent-teacher conference is a disaster. Okay. But I felt really pot committed. And I don't know about you, Dax, at 15, but I feel like the most common solution for 15-year-old boys is just to escalate the situation. And so I said...

If we're having a parent-teacher conference, I think we should bring the head of the department in as well. Oh, wow. As if that would make her back off or something. I'm sure they were friends. And so she said, great. And I said, okay, only rational thing is to escalate it further. And I said, no, I think the principal needs to be involved. And she said, fantastic. Oh, God. I left the classroom and I was like, this is an absolute disaster. Yeah, you just designed your public execution. Yes.

And so my parents got a notice. They said, you need to come in for a conference at like noon on a Wednesday. So they were furious, not only because they assumed that I messed up and was being an idiot, but also because they had to drive 45 minutes from their office in the middle of the day. Were they working in D.C.? They were. That is a disaster. Yeah. And so I had a few days before the conference and I prepared for this thing like I was going in front of the Supreme Court, put in more effort into this than anything I've ever done before. I was like writing opening statements. I was printing out evidence. Yeah.

I was preparing packets. And so the day comes along and I'm sitting outside the principal's office and my parents are sitting there. I have my manila folder in hand just waiting. And my dad is silently fuming, just staring at me the entire time, refusing to look anywhere else. When we walk in, I was like, just let me open a meeting. I think I thought that if I could just set some context. Set the tone, yeah. I was like, I could talk my way out of this. I started, I was just like, listen, I think this is about how much I care about this class.

and how much I think it's my right to understand my grades so I can understand my level of competency and really make sure I'm understanding the material, which I think is the most generous interpretation of the situation possible. This is brilliant, kind of. If you're the educator or the principal or the numerous people you've called into this, you could either be charmed by this or

Or like so annoyed by how precocious this kid is. It goes one way or the other. Very polarizing swing. I think the latter. It's bringing back my memory of Rushmore and how he was the worst student ever, but he was so eloquent and well-spoken in his defense. But he is a good student. That's why this is tricky. It's tricky. Yeah. Okay. I think if my Spanish teacher was just like, the solution to this is David does his homework.

I would have been eviscerated. That would have been the end of the conversation. But I think she wanted to not...

bring up that she is three months behind in grading. So she says, David, I absolutely agree, but you've never before brought up wanting to know your grades. Oops. Interesting move. Yeah. And so then I pull out my Manila folder and I say, Senora, here is the email of me asking you to see my grades. And I handed a copy to her and the principal as my first exhibit. And they looked at it. And then the teacher said, you know what? I've never received this email before. Oh, she's purging herself. She's quite flustered. Yeah.

Ha ha ha ha.

And then so I pull out the second email and I said, here's your response to the first email. Oh, fuck. Oh. This is like two good men. Yeah. You got the witness to break. I could see my parents just like move from angrily staring at me to just looking at the teacher. Like more so just how did my son trap you in this situation than anything else? It was just like mystified. And then at this point, the principal stands up and is like, you know, I think this meeting is over. Oh, wow.

I'll get your papers graded. Oh, shit. So you won. Won the battle, lost the war. They were like, okay, we're going to grade your papers. We're going to give it to the head of the Spanish department who was so much of a tougher grader than my teacher ever was. And so I think the moral of the story was just do your homework. That could have ended way better for me. I would like to think I've had some accomplishments in my life, but I think it's the proudest my dad has ever been of me. Oh, God.

What grade did you end up with at the end of the semester? Probably a B or C. I think it accurately reflected my level of competency of the material. Right. Oh, what a moment for mom and dad as a lawyer. That homework probably could have gotten you back up to an A. That's the beauty of homework. It can actually get you up a little bit. It's there for a reason. It is. It wasn't for me either. What do you do? I work in finance now. I thought I was going to be a lawyer for a number of years and then tried that out. It was not for me.

Everyone hates it, right? We can agree. All lawyers hate their job. My parents were not trying to push me to the career at all. I know no lawyers who enjoy it. I hear finance is only a tick better than law. Yeah, I'm not sure it's a ton better. Less reading. All right. Well, David, great meeting you. Well done. That victory was worth a C, I think. Yeah, I like it. It's a life story. I appreciate it. It's great meeting you guys. Yeah, you too. Have fun on your trip to LA and have a good time at the wedding. All right. Will do.

Very charming and smart man. So smart. That's why I thought maybe he, I felt like he was, well, he probably is doing something really important, but like. Growing the nest egg at an annual percentage rate of 17%. Yeah.

Okay, back to my really important story. Oh, yeah, sorry. So Kirsten, one of my best friends from home, she is now a teacher at my high school. Well, actually, she's in administration now. But she sent me a picture just yesterday of her and our eighth grade teacher. Oh.

They had run into each other at a thing and he had ended up becoming a principal, but I think he might be retired now. Anyway, he was bragging about us. About you and her. Our whole group of girls. Oh, he was. He was proud. And we were his first year of teaching. Oh, wow. And he used to call me Padman. Oh, he did? Yeah. He was so cool. We loved him. Loved him. Mr. Tornese, shout out. Anyway, it was cool. And it was a ding, ding, ding. A dingles. Ready for Patrick?

There's nothing like getting your teacher's approval. There's something so specific about it being the class. It's funny. I would say I don't agree, but I do. I got it from so few teachers, but the ones that gave it to me did change. Yeah. They just have so many people to pick from. And if they pick you. I don't know.

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Hello? Hi. Hello. We can't see you. We can't see you. Oh, no. We see a weird camera with a line through it. It's an emoji. Yeah. It's an icon. Yeah. You can try signing off and back in and see if that helps. Okay. Let me try that. Okay. Okay, cool. So I could tell a story about my father now. It's parent-teacher conference related. Okay. There was a point where...

They thought my brother had some kind of developmental behavioral stuff. I don't know what the accusation was. The principal wanted to see both my mom and my dad, and my dad was furious about this. There's nothing wrong with David. I'm not coming in. Similarly, he worked like an hour away from where the school was. So he came in and they sit down in this conference and it starts with the principal saying, what do you both do for a living? And my dad looked right at him and said, she's a prostitute and I'm her pimp.

He did not. He did. I mean, that was my dad. We get Laura to tell the story. She was just like, Jesus Christ, where do we go from here? Yeah. He was just so fed up. He was basically just saying, fuck you. Yeah. I'm not cooperating with this. I'm not going to play my role in you telling me there's something wrong with my son. Whoa. So interesting. Parents are so different. Hey! There you are! Hey!

Love it. We did it. I'm so glad we get to see you. We look identical. Okay, last annoying question. Do you happen to have earbuds? I do. Give me a second. Okay, great. We could be brothers, huh? Me and Patrick? I could see it.

Bros. Bros before hoes. I love this. We're getting a tour of Patrick's house to the listener. What's never happened is someone strolls past a dead body. Yeah. That would put us in a really tricky situation because this is supposed to be anonymous. And I do think we're kind of like lawyer therapists, Hippocratic oath. No, but we're also therapists. Like if they say I killed someone, they do have to take out. Oh, there is. That's the line. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yay, we've done it. Yay.

We went through hell and high water and we're here. We did it. I feel better now.

Okay, good. Are you flattered or offended that I said we could be brothers? Oh, I'm flattered. Oh, good, good, good. What if he said offended? He could be. I would understand. I'd go, yeah, I get it. Where are you, Patrick? Columbus, Ohio. Oh, wonderful. There's a college there, yeah? Oh, yeah, the big one, OSU. We're rivals, right? I don't care too much myself, but yeah, big rivals. Same. We're going to bridge the divide right now today. We're going to heal some hearts. Aww.

Okay, so hit us with your parent-teacher conference story. Were you a teacher or a parent in this scenario? Neither. I was the student. Oh, wonderful. Second one like that. And that's unexpected and delightful. We call that a left curve ball. That's what Monica calls it. Okay, yeah. So I started high school in the late 90s. I had come from a very small private school.

middle school to a very large public high school. Oh, OK. Big adjustment. And at this school, we had block scheduling instead of periods. So we had four 90 minute classes a day for

for half the year, and then it switched to different classes the second half of the year. Got it. Okay. So we had eight classes all year, but four the first half, four the second. My very first class, my very first day freshman year was gym class. Pretty soon I discovered that the gym teacher was also the basketball coach, and the majority of my gym class was on the basketball team.

Not great for me not being a big basketball player and pretty short as a freshman. Okay. The gym teacher was pretty cool. He realized that me and a couple other kids were not really into it. After we did some warm-up exercises, he kind of let us do our own thing for the rest of the class. I befriended a kid in my class who was

was also not a big basketball fan. And with the freedom we had in gym, we got into a little bit of trouble. We like to skip class, you know, smoke cigarettes in the baseball dugout and whatnot. Yeah, wonderful. Because the gym coach presumably would be distracted by running drills and you'd be milling about the gym and you would sneak out a side door and fucking who would know? Totally. I've been there. So we did that for a while. I didn't think it was too big of a deal. We never got caught.

But then parent-teacher conference time came around and my gym teacher wanted to have a conference with my mom. This was the only teacher who wanted a conference with my parents. And I'm like, well, what could this be about? If I was going to be in trouble for skipping gym and screwing around, I figured that would have already happened.

Right. So she goes in, she comes home that night and I'm nervous about what's going to happen. And she says, coach is worried about somebody you're hanging out with in gym. She thinks he's a bad influence on you.

He's just concerned. Huh. I was highly defensive. I was wanting to be independent and not feel judged about who I was choosing for friends and what I wanted to do in school. And I'm telling my mom, you know, this kid's a good kid, mom. He just comes from a broken home and, you know, really landed on. I was like, mom, I think I could be a good influence on him. I don't think he's a bad influence on me. Ah.

That was judo. You took their momentum and used it against them. That was really good. Oh, yeah. That was enough for her. She's like, OK, well, don't get into any trouble. And I was like, of course not. I would never. Meanwhile, I'm skipping school, smoking cigarettes, all that other stuff. It was the kids' cigarettes, I'm imagining. Oh, yeah, for sure. Marlboro Red. Definitely was a bad influence. Objectively not a great influence. He was a bit of a bad boy, you know. He would wear motorcycle boots and black jeans to gym class. Oh.

Oh, yeah. I thought he was super cool, though. He was. This gym teacher I don't like. He's definitely judging a book by its cover. Well, no, the kid is up to no good. He's skipping and smoking. But still, just because he doesn't look like the other basketball kids. I agree with you in that if he was wearing like an eyes-on sweater that was pink, probably slid. Yeah, he probably wouldn't have been like, that's a bad influence. Yeah, would have slid through the cracks. Me being 14 years old, I thought for sure he was judging and I didn't want any part of it. Yeah. So, second question.

So second half of the school year, I no longer had Jim and I didn't have any classes with this kid anymore. We were still friendly at school, but I wasn't really hanging out with him. One night I get home, I turn on the TV and the local news was on. And the story that pops up is local teen friend and mother arrested for murder. Local teen friend and mother? Oh my God. Friend. Friend.

I'm watching this news story and they show the first picture who was the quote unquote local teen. And I was like, holy shit, this kid goes to my school. I didn't know this guy. I was like, wow, that's amazing. I kind of forget over the weekend. I go back to school thinking everybody's going to be talking about this. I found out the friend was

in this local story was my gym class. Right. Right. I'm shocked by the story. Rumors are going back and forth. I didn't really get a full grasp of what happened other than the aforementioned teen. It was his father that they killed. So the teenager and his mother killed his father. Yeah.

And my gym class friend assisted in some way. Oh, my God. Accomplice after the fact or before the fact. OK. Holy shit. Well, that father was probably abusive. Well, here's what's really sad, of course, is mom and son generally only kill dad when he's beating the fuck out of everybody. Right. And that was the story that I had heard. I didn't know what was true and what was rumor, but that is what I heard. So after I got over the initial shock of this story in general, the two people I met

went to school with were being charged with murder

I immediately thought, I need to keep this news story from my mom. Okay. Okay. So she's going to retroactively. I cannot let her think that I was making bad choices and friends after I thoroughly defended myself that I was being a good influence on the bad kids. Minimally, you failed at your task. No, I think you were a good influence. Oh, because he didn't murder anyone while they were friends. Right. And then the gym class ended and then he murdered. Ugh.

That's a really solid argument. I think you were right. I like this angle. I know. See, mom? I don't want to get dark, but. I feel bad. This easily could have been Aaron and I's story. That was not out of reach with the violent dude in his life, for sure. Well, I'm glad it wasn't your story. Me?

Me too. I could have been the friend, though. He was a victim of bad influence. It wasn't really that he was a bad influence. I love this guy. I kind of do, too. What happened to them all? So they all went to jail, the mother, the son and my friend. I don't know the full details, but about 10 years ago, another classmate of mine who I hadn't talked to in a long time emailed me out of nowhere and just said so-and-so is out of prison.

That's all the message said. I believe that the son and the mother got a much heavier sentence. Yeah. Oh, man. This could easily be a documentary we would watch and we would be like, I can't believe they put them in jail. This guy was going to kill them if they didn't kill the guy. We don't really know the full details, but I'm inclined to think that was it. I would imagine so. Did you grow up in rural Ohio? Right in Columbus. Okay. This just feels so much like a Michigan story. I had a couple different classmates that committed murder before it was all said and done.

In LA, I don't see kids killing adults. It just seems rarer. That's not true. The Menendez brothers were here. But they were like 24, 26. No, when they killed, they were... They were out of college. Oh, I thought they were younger. Anyway. Sorry, Patrick. No, that's fine.

So as far as I know, I was able to keep that story from my mom to this day. And as far as she knows, I was a good influence on this kid. And he turned out to be a great guy. And maybe he did. He might have. Yeah. This is upsetting. Pow, man.

That's some heavy stuff for high school. You flip on the news and you see two guys you see in the hallway all the time. Yeah, it was quite a culture shock coming from a very small private middle school. This was one of the first real friends I made at school. Within a year, he was in jail. It's very crazy. Oh my God.

I'm presuming none of your subsequent friends ever stood trial for murder. Definitely not murder. Sure. Some other petty stuff, maybe. Oh, yeah. I do have some delinquent friends. Yeah. Don't we all? They're most interesting. Oh, Patrick, that was a great story. Thank you for telling us that. Yeah, what a ride. Oh, thank you. It was a pleasure meeting you guys.

I would like to shout out my wife who could not be here to say hi, but she helped me with the computer setup. And I don't know if I should be thanking her at this point with all the technical difficulties. Okay. What's her name? Kara. You know, I don't think I'd ever met a Kara. Now I know like four. That's a pretty name. Yeah, it is pretty. And our favorite hotel is Kara. Kara. But probably spelled the same, right? C-A-R-A? That's right. Nice. Well, Kara, Kara, all the C-A-R-A's. Kara. Kara.

Carry your wife, car to the hotel. Shout out to both. And you go by Patrick, right? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Well, Patrick, great meeting you. And thanks so much for telling us that story. You as well. All right. Take care, brother. Wow. I feel sad. Yeah. Yeah, we should. That's really heartbreaking. Yeah. No one should be forced to make that decision as a kid. The mom, including the son, like all of it. It's just all upsetting. I really want to know the circumstance now. I definitely see how it could happen if it was mid-

abuse right and they both rose up but then how would the friend unless he was over well then they're like panicked they need to get rid of the body who knows what happens after that look at robert durst that poor guy had to cut that person no we're not saying that at all you never did have a cigarette in high school did you i've never smoked one ever that one ever not even drunk once took a drag i don't know who you are doesn't seem interesting

Hi. How are you? I'm so excited to be talking to you guys. This feels unreal. Because I'm a teacher and telling a story about parents, I feel like I shouldn't use my real name. Okay, great. Oh, yeah. Well, then let's go with Monica. Perfect. We'll say it is for today. Great. So, Monica, you are still actively a teacher. This is so confusing. All right. You want me to pick another name? Dax. Oh, my God. Okay.

No, we can sit with Monica. Are you in a break room? I am a teacher. Today is field day. Today's the last day of school. And I, 20 minutes ago, was in the dunk tank. So I'm like fresh out of a dunk tank to talk to you guys. You're such a fun teacher.

Ding, ding, ding, Monica. I am volunteering on Monday for their field day and I'll be operating first the bouncy house and then some kind of football coin tossy thing. I don't know. Those are the good ones. They finagle a bunch of teachers to being in the dunk tank. Of course. And I usually say like it has to be above 75 degrees for me to go in and

I'm going to be honest. I only do it on years I like my class a lot. Okay, good. As you should. So what kind of weather did you have today? Was it warm? Yeah, it's like 76 and sunny. Oh, perfect. By the time I'm in the dunk tank, it's like halfway through the day. So there's kind of like a layer of gross film of sunscreen. Oh. Yeah. Okay. It's not great. They do let us pick what kids are going to try to throw. So I usually start by being like, remind me, who plays baseball? And then they were like, okay, so none of you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I try to look for maybe like unathletic kids. Sure. And what percentage of the kids hit the target? I had three go today and only one hit the target. Each teacher gets dunked if you're volunteering to go in. Okay, so what year does this parent-teacher story take place? This is my 17th year teaching. So this was maybe three or four years ago.

So you've been at it for a while. You were a pro at this point. For a while, yeah. Parent-teacher conferences are always really stressful, though, even if you've done it forever. But our school, they're just in 10-minute chunks. And if you get behind, you're behind for the rest of the day. And is it safe to assume each parent would prefer to talk about their child for an hour? I mean, it depends. There's some parents who come in, and I start with someone like, so they've got A's in everything. You've got a real monster of a kid. I don't know what you guys are doing. And then they're like,

Yeah, sounds good. Oh, that's best case, right? And then they stand up and leave and you can have a coffee and a cigarette? I mean, honestly, at that point, it's like, I finally get to go pee. And there are some parents who are great. There's a mom at our school. Her kid's graduated now. But she was notorious for like, she'd sit down and she would just throw a box of cookies at you. Aww. Yeah. And she would just be like, today probably sucks for you guys. Sorry. Then if you did have to be like, so listen, your kid is... And she was like, yeah, I know. That's my kid. Yeah.

Yeah, they're a mess. What are we going to do? Yeah. So this was a couple years ago. I was teaching the younger sibling. I taught the older kid also. So I like had known the parents. We had good rapport. It was a pretty good kid. I thought this is going to be an easy 10 minutes. I start off by just going, Jill is really great. All the glowing things. And the mom just goes, okay, that's great.

Can I ask you a question about her older sister? Who I'd had like two or three years before. And I said, I don't see her a lot. Like our building is really separated. She's in a different floor. But sure. And she just goes, did you ever get a vibe that she's like autistic or something? Oh boy. And I just went, um, I didn't. But you know, I mean, it's been a few years. Oh, the way that's phrased. Did you get a vibe? It's so funny. The mom was super casual about it too. And I was like, um...

And then I said, you know, there are some people you could talk to, though, if those are concerns. And the mom pulled out like a pencil and went, oh, who? And I said, well, her current teachers would be like a really good start. Maybe like a pediatrician, someone other than someone who maybe knew her a few years ago. And then the mom's like, oh, OK. And then just pauses and then says the thing you probably never want to hear in a parent teacher conference, which is, can I ask you something personal? Oh, no. And I'm like, shh.

Sure. Let's take a second on that. Us teachers are people pleasers. Yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. But there are these obligatory questions. And it's really funny because I don't think in all of history anyone has said no, because I don't know why I was fantasizing just the other night laying in bed. What if someone said to me, can I say something that might be offensive?

I would most of my life go like, yeah, yeah, go ahead. And then I was just thinking I might now at this age go like, oh, no, I'd rather not hear something. But I think we would all say yes. Students look up all the time. They're like, can I ask you a question? I'm like, I don't know. Now I'm like, maybe we'll see. Yeah, that's the answer. Or some of them now go, well, it depends what your question is. If you're out in the world and you go like, I have a question and people go like, well, there's no such thing as a dumb question. And I go like, I'm a teacher. There are millions. So this mom goes, can I ask you a personal question?

And she just goes, I know that you're also losing your hair. And I'm wondering if you have any tips. What? No. Wait, what is going on with this woman? I had a moment where I had to have in my head the fastest back and forth. Do I just roll with this to not make her uncomfortable? Do I like correct her? And again, people pleaser. And I went, no tips. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Is it safe to assume you yourself did not think you were losing your hair? Cause we're talking to you now and you have a ton of hair. Your hair looks totally great. It's soaking wet right now from the dunk tank. And then in my head, I'm like, am I losing my hair? Like,

Like I had a chemical years ago. And then the mom just goes, it's just so hard. Google is so hard. And I went, oh yeah, you know, Google, it's real wormhole. You got to be careful. And I'm thinking we're past it. And we're talking about the daughter again. And I'm like, oh, you know, she's a real delight. I love her. She's got a lot of hair. It's great. Must come from dad. I don't know. And then the mom just goes, well, have you ever tried? And then says the name of like a prescription drug for hair loss. What is going on?

So at this point, I feel like I have to correct her. And I just went, I'm so sorry. I think you've been misinformed. I'm not actually losing my hair. Okay, good. At that point, you told her the bad news. You're not listening to her. Bad news, sorry. There was like no, oh, this is a weird moment on her face. She just goes, oh.

Yeah, okay. Okay. And all sympathy for people who are losing. Like I have two family members who have alopecia. Yeah. It's stressful. So on parent-teacher conference days, when the staff all gets together for lunch, there's always like, oh, who had a crazy story? And I was like, hey, real quick before we get into it, am I losing my hair and no one telling me? And they were like, what? So I tell them that and everyone's like, that's insane. So our fall conferences are in November. So then mid-January, the daughter of this parent comes to school and is like,

oh, I have a belated Christmas present for you. Oh my God. No one ever needs to get teachers a present, but she has in a gift bag. And the kid's like, I don't even really know what it is. And the mom had gotten me a really large bottle of CBD shampoo. Stop. Okay. Which like, maybe that is a thing that helps. I don't know. And then a...

I had to explain this one to my husband a lot because he didn't understand why it wasn't like a good gift. Yeah. It was like one of those pre-packaged. If you weren't looking closely, you'd be like, oh, that's like, I don't know. What did they used to sell? Bath and Body Works. Bath and Body Works, like a lotion and a soap and like all in one thing. With the cellophane. But it was a cellophane box wrap of anti-aging creams. Oh!

Oh, my husband was like, I mean, that's like a nice gift. And I said, I would never buy this for anyone. Yeah, that would be like me just bringing in erectile dysfunction medication for a male teacher of my children. I know you need this. Enjoy. It was bizarre. And then a couple of years later, they asked me to write a letter of recommendation for their kid and the kids. Fantastic. I'm going to put a positive spin on this. You ready? I'm ready. OK, so I had a family member who was coming out

as gay to several people and in the process of doing that would also tell them that I too was gay. And that was fine. I didn't mind that that was happening. But then it got to me like very tangentially, like someone who had met this person.

Eventually, I had to say like, look, I don't mind that you were saying that, but I think you could actually create a rumor that might pick up some steam in the press. You know, so maybe we'll just stop. But my most generous takeaway from that was this person looked up to me and if I had something they had, it wouldn't be that bad.

And so in maybe some weird way, she just thought it's very comforting that this woman who's got her stuff together and is a gangster is wrestling with this stuff. I mean, it may be somehow like that. Like she would have felt less embarrassed because someone cool also was wrestling with it. But hair loss is such a specific thing because you can see your hair. But you're just projecting whatever thing you are struggling with. We were trying to guess at school, like where did she get this from? And kids will pick up and say weird things.

So we were like, was there a day that maybe I said, you guys are going to make me rip my hair out? And the kid took that to be like,

Oh, my teacher's going bald because of us. But I mean, that one stood out as the weirdest. I had a parent sit down for a conference and pull out from their pocket. Not one, not two, but four phones, one of which was a house phone. Oh. This was like 15 years ago. I'm like, set them all down on my table. I was like, okay, we're ready to talk now. Oh, wow. Are you expecting a call in your home? Yeah.

Oh, wow. I think I'm going to do that at my next parent teacher. Bring up six, seven phones. I think prop work is important in a parent teacher conference. If nothing else, just make some novel experience in their day. And this is the part of the interview where I'm supposed to tell you guys, I'm not supposed to, but I'm going to. I'm a day one listener.

I was nine months pregnant in February of 2018 when you guys started and I was never sleeping and listened to them all, listened through my next pregnancy. I had my second kid during COVID where you're stuck in the house and I had a toddler and a newborn and some crazy postpartum everything. And you guys really helped. Thank you. And then this is all the part, right? Where people are like, my spouse loves you so much. And can they say hi, but I'm at school.

And my husband was like, well, can I come to school? And I said, no, you can't. But my work spouse is in the room. Oh, yeah. She's also an armchair, and she's from Michigan. Oh.

Hi, Michigander. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Where are you from in Michigan? I'm from Bloomfield Hills. Fancy. Close by. I've heard that's fancy. I don't know. I got the hell out of there as fast as I could. It was a nice place to grow up. Did you get dunked today? Yeah, that's when my hair is like greased back on top of my head. You teachers, you put up with a lot. We do put up with a lot.

Arguably too much. Well, it's nice meeting both of you. Yes. Yeah, you too. I'm going to pass the AirPods back. So Monica, you have both been in communal water and now you've had communal earbuds. So congratulations. Yeah. Well, work partners, we're together constantly and dealing with kids doing weird things. So it's like she's not my husband. But she is. She is. Except for today, you'll notice we're in different colors because we're on different teams for field day. And in a little bit, my class is going to go beat hers at tug of war. Oh, wow.

Their marriage is going to be tested. It will be, but it's the last day of school. We'll have the summer to get over it. Okay, well, great meeting you. Enjoy your summer. You guys were so fun. And you're welcome for the company during the pregnancies. It makes us so happy to hear that. And thank you for listening from day one. It's really, really special to us. Thank you guys so much. Have a good day. Take care.

She had a real cute wave. She did dancing fingers. That's not one you ever do, is it? No, I don't do that. Bye-bye. I had breakfast with Nate yesterday at Clark Street. I'm actually saying the name correctly. I'm glad. It took you long enough. I'm not proud of that. I came in one entrance and he was at the other. We saw each other from across the room. And I had the funnest, playful wave with him. And there was a lot of finger dancing. Oh, wow. Yeah.

That's fun. Did you see anything new in the room while I was telling you that story? Well, we have some Sonos I see that I'm excited about. I love Sonos. Me too. Well, those were fun. So fun. I really like that. Teachers, as we know, are heroes. You know what's funny is clearly it's a beat down for them, but I don't like going either. I don't think anyone likes it. I don't know that anyone likes it, but I do think it can be pretty important. Of course.

yeah but so is paying taxes you know sure sure sure sure all right love you love you do you want to sing a tune or something

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the flyer, I'm dish. On the flyer, I'm dish. Enjoy. Enjoy.