Armchair Anonymous: Horrible Boss
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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Monsoon. Hi. Hi. Too soon? A little too monsoon. A little too monsoon. Today our prompt is also the title of a franchise. That's right. Ooh, do you think we're gonna get in trouble? We're gonna get sued by New Line if they're even still a thing.

A horrible boss. Tell us about a horrible boss. Yeah. And let me just glance over these stories to see if... People can listen to this. You say that so willy-nilly. I don't know if you go through all four stories. Well, I just edited it. I guess you're right. That's a really strong pushback.

You think it's fine? I think it's fine. Now, we do have a tangent that happens in this episode between us, me and you, in between two stories. Oh, good. And you kept it in. Really takes, we take a lot of time for the tangent. And I'm, so I apologize. I did leave it in. Oh, good. What was the tangent? I did pick it as the social clip. Oh, wonderful. Oh, good. I'll see you.

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Hi. Hello. So nice to meet you guys. You have a fun kerchief around your neck. I do, yeah. It's my little bandana. You know, if it gets too hot, it's dual purpose. When it gets hot, you do what? You put your hair back with it? Yeah, yeah. Get it all out, you know? Get it off your face. Are you somewhere that's hot? A little bit. Not too crazy. I'm in the South. I'm in Nashville. It's still very much summer here. Ah.

Future neighbor. Yeah, I love it. Are you from Nashville? I'm originally from Knoxville, so like three hours east. I moved to Nashville in 2017 to pursue music, so I've been here ever since. Nice. Just before the huge influx of people. Yeah, I at least got in a little early, so that was nice. Rob's asking us to ask you to do something about your mic, because it's moving around. You have to rub it on that bandana.

It's rubbing on the bandana, he thinks. Gotcha. You know what? Let's get that bandana off. Well, it served its purpose. So much talk about the bandana and ultimately... It betrayed us. It did. What if you said, this bandana's permanently on, guys? Like that lady whose neck was attached by the red bandana scarf and then you pulled it and her head fell off. That's a what? A nursery rhyme? No, that's a real thing that happened. It was on the news.

Okay. Well, that's settled. There's no blood. Her head was completely severed. That's why it was red. Oh. It was covered in her blood. Oh, my God. You missed it? Well, mine's luckily not red, so we're good. Everyone's great here. Okay, so you have a horrible boss story. I do. So my horrible boss story actually comes from my first ever job that I got when I was 15 years old. I was working at a fast food restaurant because, you know, that's what you do.

That's right. So I was usually working the closing shift because, you know, I was still in school and had to work like after school hours. And on the closing shift, we had like this cool young manager. He was this guy in his early mid-20s. He was all like tatted up and played cool music in the kitchen. So we loved him. We'll call him Jacob for the sake of the story.

Flash forward to about a month of working this job. I'm getting all settled in. It's going great. Love all my coworkers. It's a fun time. One time I'm working a closing shift with Jacob and a couple others. And there's this very small kind of petite man who comes in the lobby. We're getting really close to closing. And he's wearing like a black hoodie and black sweatpants and got a scarf over his face. I will say this was not in the wintertime. So a little unusual, but we're

All right. It is fast food, so we've seen people at their worst. You know, no judgment here. He comes up to the counter and pulls out a gun and proceeds to rob us. Oh, my God. We complied. We gave him the money in the cash register. He pulls us to the back and asks us to open up the safe. And so we give him all the money in the safe.

This whole shift is all primarily pretty young people. So we're like, okay, that was insane. Never been through anything like that before. So we call the police, the police come and they get statements from us. That's pretty much all that happened. I had a closing shift the very next night. So I go into work and of course that is all we're talking about. We're like, that's so crazy. Jacob, he's just really shaken up by this. I can tell he's just quiet. He's not being himself, not the usual like fun dude. So we noticed it really got to him, but

Another week passes, and by this point, it's kind of died down because we never really heard a follow-up about, oh, did they catch the guy? The petite robber. Yeah, yeah, the little robber. We all know what happened. So it's about, I want to say like a week and a half later. I'm in the back, and I'm washing some dishes, and the kitchen door opens, and I, of course, assume it's one of my coworkers. And I look up, and this time there's a quite large man in a very similar outfit.

Oh my God. He's got a ski mask on though, so he was really the real deal, I think. And we get robbed a second time. But as he approaches us, we were kind of like, something doesn't feel right about this because we're in a pretty quiet neighborhood. The police even told us when they came by, they were like, this restaurant hasn't been robbed in like over a decade. So we were like, this just seems weird. We had a coworker named Alex who was sort of known for being a bit of a prankster.

And Alex had been making a lot of jokes about the robbery. We thought it was Alex messing with us. So we told Alex, you know, get back on the grill, whatever, do your job. Oh, you dismiss the big robber as Alex. Oh, that's a funny approach to getting robbed. The guy comes in and points his gun. He's like, give me the fucking money. And you go, Derek, stop fucking around. I don't have time. And then you look away and then you get busy and then you get out of there. I think it probably did throw him off his game, especially considering Alex ended up turning around the corner.

We're like, oh, it's not Alex. We're just getting robbed again. Okay, great. At this point, we know the drill. We all learn the code to the safe. So we do the whole thing, give him the money. So of course, after that, it's just the talk of the restaurant. We're all making bets about when we're going to get robbed a third time. Jacob is just so shaken up by this. He does not like that we're making jokes about it. He's like, y'all need to take this serious. We just need to be safe about this kind of thing, which is a bit out of character for him.

Eventually, he ends up talking to one of my coworkers in the back. And he was like, I got to talk to you about these robberies. This is really on my mind. He's like, sure, what's up, man? He goes, I just want you to know the robbery that happened a few days ago. I had nothing to do with that. My coworker is kind of like, we didn't think you did, man. And he said, but the first one, that was actually my wife.

Who robbed y'all. She's really talented at deepening her voice. And so I knew she could pass for a man. And I knew there was a lot of money in that safe. And I didn't want to be caught on camera. So I had her come in. And me and my wife took the money. Oh, my God.

Why on earth is he admitting this, A? B, do you know how much money it was? I honestly think he wanted to just get it off his chest. And because he had that reputation of being so cool and fun, and we were all, for the most part, high school or young college students, he thought we'd just be like, yeah, it's cool, man.

Like, I got you. We were not. We exposed him for that. As far as how much money was in the safe, I honestly don't know. Just because, you know, it was like a low-level employee. I was never in charge of counting. I would say it's probably a significant amount if you're willing to take that risk. Or it may not have been. I think that's more where my mind goes is that it's probably not a life-changing amount. It's probably a couple grand or $1,500. Less than that. You're taking a life-changing action to get not a life-changing reward. Yeah.

It's sad. Well, it is sad, but it's also because desperation. That money means a lot in that moment. Yikes. Yeah. So he confesses to the robbery. Unfortunately, I wish I had like an amazing thing to wrap this up. All I know is he got fired. I never found out if he even got arrested or what happened. They tried to keep it real hush hush, I think because we were understaffed and they didn't want us all quitting. Who is this?

Who's the second robber? His kid or uncle or something? Yeah, did we ever figure out who the second? Jacob was telling the truth. He had nothing to do with that. It was just a random guy. They did end up catching him because the same night he tried to go rob a gas station up the street. So he was not that far down the road. They were able to get him at least.

He was on a crime spree. Yeah. Weird timing. Weird timing. My first thought was like it was somehow contagious. It was in the paper and then he got the idea. It very well could have been because it was at the time a bigger story that this restaurant got robbed. So I am wondering if maybe that inspired the second guy.

It's also funny. If I were wanting to rob this place and I knew that they had been robbed a week before, I would think, well, I've got to wait a really long time until they drop their guard again. But then you realize there's nothing to do. They're not going to put a cop in the restaurant for the rest of the time it's open. It's like there's really nothing to be on your guard about. I actually wonder if like, and I'm not saying I'm pro robbing fast food restaurants, but maybe that guy was smart because we weren't on guard because we thought, oh, we got that out of the way. Exactly.

Or it's like it's obviously the first person who robbed. Yeah, that they came back for seconds. The funniest part about this whole story is that the man was a petite man, but it was a woman. Yeah, she was a very small woman. So it makes sense now. What if she had done everything right except she was in heels? Oh, man, that might have thrown us off even more. Maybe that would have even been less suspicious somehow.

Oh, that was a great story, Sam. Yeah, thank you. I'm glad you survived all the robberies. Yeah, I hope your run-ins with pistols ended there. So far, so good. Okay, good. Well, it's great meeting you. Yeah, thanks for chatting. Great to meet y'all, too. Thank you so much. All right, hope I bump into you in Nashville. Hopefully one day. All right, take care. Can you knock on wood? About? Bumping into her? No, I asked you to because we hope she doesn't have any more run-ins. Oh, no more run-ins. Yeah.

How are you? I'm great. Can you hear me okay? Wonderfully. My first question is, what is your fantasy fake name? Did you already pick one? I did. I've been watching Sopranos, so I'm going to go with Carmella. Oh, wonderful.

Oh, I love that. Okay. Did you watch the doc that they made that just came out? I'm saving it. It's really good. What season are you in? I watched it before live as a kid, but my fiance's never seen it. So we're only on season two so far. And how's that going? Because I very much want to do that with a few different people in my life who haven't seen it. It's worth a rewatch. It's hard because it's so many seasons. But if you power through it. Yeah, it's still great. And he doesn't feel like it's outdated because I've also never seen it. It is a little bit, but...

for the nostalgia factor, it's worth it. Okay, so Carmelo, where are you at? Are you allowed to tell us where you're at? Yes, I am in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Oh, I've spent many a month in Albuquerque. Shooting Employee of the Month, correct? That's right, at the Costco. I just watched that movie like two days before I got the email about

this. Oh, you did. That's your Costco. I know exactly where it is. Too bad your horrible boss wasn't a Costco boss. That would have been sick. There are no horrible bosses at Costco. They have the best employees. Okay, so hit us with the year, the context. Okay, so I would like to keep the specific details about this company and what we did vague. Great. This takes place 10 years ago. I am fresh out of college, three weeks out. I'm

I start applying for jobs and I get an interview. I'm so thrilled that so early out I got an interview. I show up at the office. I meet my future horrible boss. Let's call him Tom. And this is for a job essentially doing contract negotiation and contract writing. So the interview right off the bat is fantastic.

full of red flags, but I am too young and naive to recognize these at the time. Red flag number one, he tells me, not everyone lasts very long around here. Not everyone can take the heat. Not everybody can grind it out, and not everyone can handle me as a manager. Oh, pfft.

Cool, Tom. But I'm eager. I want to prove myself in the white collar world. So I'm like, I can handle it. Red flag number two is he says, since you're straight out of college, you will not be paid very well. However, we do a lot of international business with a lot of other international companies, and you will almost more than certainly be living overseas for a short while. While you're there, you will have an apartment, you will have

All expenses paid, three meals a day. You'll be going out to fine dinners with clients. And I was like, well, now it sounds like a dream come true. So I accept the job on the spot. The final red flag is he takes me into the bullpen to meet the team. And as I'm greeting everyone, a guy whispers under his breath, you don't want to work here. Oh, oh, oh my God. That's more than a red flag. That's kind of a warning. Yeah.

But I take that as, well, guess this guy can't take the heat. Sure, sure. This is what Tom was warning me about. You've already been Stockholm Syndrome within like 10 minutes. So I start the job and sure enough, within a couple of weeks, I'm on a plane to Berlin. No way. So let me pause here and let me describe his management style to you. The one he himself warned me about. The entire workday from start to finish,

And I don't just mean being frustrated or angry. I mean, bright red face, veins popping out of his head, spitting. He's screaming so hard. Like Alex Jones level? Yes. Over the smallest thing. Like if he went to the Keurig and there was still like a little K-cup in the machine, meltdown. He'd stalk around the office and try to figure out who was the last person to make coffee. Oh my God. Okay.

If you did something wrong, you'd have to stand in front of the bullpen in front of everyone else. And each coworker would have to explain to you what you did wrong, like a humiliation tactic. Okay, break you down so we can build you up. And then if you did something right, you were also in trouble because you should have consulted him before you made a decision on your own. So there was no winning. Do you think he had gotten this playbook from somebody or this is a proprietary approach to management? Do you think he thought he was walking in the steps of giants or whatever they say? I truly don't know. I've never seen behavior like this.

Before in my life. And to this day, I haven't. I feel like you saw that movie Boiler Room or one of those movies where they're screaming and getting the most out of people. Yeah, like Wolf of Wall Street or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. We were on eggshells all day long. I mean, we were terrified because we knew one of us is going down today. There was a grown adult woman who would start panicking and crying when she heard his car come through the parking lot. Oh, this is really bad. Part of me thinks...

That ultimately is so ineffective because you would just grow completely numb to it. You'd be like, oh yeah, Tom's yelling at me. I don't give a fuck. He yells all day long. It doesn't mean anything. It's like when parents yell at their kids all the time. It's like after 12 of those, that doesn't mean anything. Yeah, I guess it kind of felt more just like your

You're about to get crept up on at any moment. Shoved in the back feeling all day long. Yeah. So back to Berlin. Upon arrival, we have to give him our passports because he wants to keep them for safekeeping. That's not his right. Keep in mind, this is my first professional job. I'm the youngest person there. Everyone has worked there for years. They're all older than me. I know how dumb it is now, but at the time I was like, here you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not saying I wouldn't have complied. He just has no business doing that.

Exactly. So the apartment and the expenses all paid for was true. However, we were working from 6 a.m. through the entire day, through the entire evening, meeting a client for dinner. And as you know, European restaurants, dinner is conservatively three hours long. Yeah.

We're finishing out the client meeting at 11 p.m. and then going back to the office to write the contract until 2 a.m. We're sleeping three or four hours a night. We are all exhausted. We are all physically sick from not sleeping for like weeks.

And it's just too bad. Just nose to the grindstone. Are you getting hourly or are you salary? Are you even pumped about the hours? It was hourly, but I don't think the client dinners and like after hours work counted. So we're getting paid eight hours to do like 13 hours of work.

So this all comes to a head one night. Tom is coming to my apartment to pick me up to meet a client. He arrives a couple minutes early, so I tell him, let me just finish up my makeup. You can hang out in my little kitchen living room area. Not 10 seconds into me walking back into the bathroom do I hear the screaming. And he's going, what?

The F is this. He comes lurching through the apartment carrying an empty wine bottle that had been in my trash for probably three days. So it wasn't right on top. And he says, how effing dare you do this? Don't you know I'm in recovery? Oh my God. Stop it. Oh, fucking A. Stop it. Don't you know I'm... I'm so sorry. What does that have to do with this? Well, that was the moment where I was like, I need to stay on my ground. Like, if you want to berate me in the workplace, that's bad enough. But in my...

home no so i just said you know tom frankly what i do outside of work hours is none of your business and i don't think you have the right to go through my personal space yeah good for you yeah it didn't work he said the company is paying for this apartment therefore it is my space and i can go through anything i want no that's not actually how it works but go ahead tom

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So have you ever been so startled that in the moment you don't react, but then 10 minutes later, the fear instinct hits you? You got like paralyzed. Yeah, that was me in the car on the way to meet this client. I'm holding back tears. I'm physically like shaking just from being startled so badly. And he's just going on and on about, so when we meet this client, make sure you offer them this and tell them we can extend this. Like as if he didn't just do that two minutes ago. So that's the moment where I realized I need to get out of here. However, I'm not going to do that.

Like I said, I'm not being paid well. I cannot afford a plane ticket home even if I wanted to. I don't even have my passport. And I could have asked my parents for money, but I was too ashamed. They were so proud of me for getting this job right off the bat. So my plan becomes, I'm just going to ride it out. And as soon as my feet are back on U.S. soil, I'm quitting. Because I was honestly so naive as well that I didn't even know if I was allowed to quit.

And I was like, the company's paid so much money to send me here. Like, can they sue me if I quit? I literally didn't even know. That's not naive. He's planted a lot of this in your brain. He's made it a situation where you're scared to make any moves. That's part of this grooming. Exactly. And everyone else was kind of going along with it. So I was like, am I the crazy one here?

Would you guys gossip about him when he wasn't around? Absolutely. But it was still a mentality of if you're the one that made a mistake, everyone is against you. You're the one that messed up. Everyone is so afraid to turn against him. Okay. I got to guess Monica question right now because we have a longstanding debate that never goes my way. So we would probably agree, right? There's no getting through to Tom.

No one's going to have an argument with Tom and win. Agree, yeah. Now, what if one of the male employees stood up in the middle of this and just fucking knocked Tom right the fuck out?

How do we feel about that? I mean, I don't think it changes anything. So I'm going to change him, but he's going to suffer and be humiliated and he deserves it. Yeah. I mean, I guess I don't hate it. Okay. Okay. Resuming. Sorry you got dragged into that. I literally had dreams about that happening. Of course. I would have dreams he got hit by a car in front of me and got fucking murdered. Like I would have real bad desires for him. Well, then I have a question for you. Do you think that behavior you said, what was the cause of this behavior? Do you think it's because of the recovery thing? Or do you think this guy was just like that?

He could have been a dry drum. I need more deets. But clearly what seems obvious is that whatever the drug of choice was doing for him, he had not found a replacement. Right. Like he was not functioning and he wasn't regulating. And so he clearly had a solution at one point that stopped working and then he didn't figure out the real solution.

I mean, because minimally he's fucking miserable, right? Like he doesn't feel good. He's not enjoying life. Maybe work is what replaced the using. So I stick to my plan. I suffer through it. I get back to the U.S. and I tell myself tomorrow, because God forbid we get one day off after flying 16 hours. We still have to work the next day. I say tomorrow I'm walking in. I'm quitting. I'm giving him two weeks. And I do. I

I walk straight in. I don't even get to get the sentence out all the way because he figures out what I'm about to say and rage ensues. How dare you? After everything we provided you, you clearly just wanted to go to Europe for free and eat and drink for free. And you used me and I'm so disappointed. You disrespect me, blah, blah, blah.

He rounds it off with the classic, you can't quit, you're fired. Pack up your desk, you're done today. So I'm like, fine. Like, I really wanted to use this company as a reference, but oh well. So the final little button on this story is I go back to the bullpen, I'm packing up my desk, I'm explaining to my coworkers what happened. And before I finish packing up, this woman just stands up and goes,

screw it walks into the office quits on the spot so we both walked out together oh good good i wish i could have had a moment where it's like we all stood up and we all quit but it was just one other person but still still you know he's such a piece of shit i have to be honest i'm a little bit shocked he wasn't also sexually inappropriate are you too monica

Like when he came into your apartment, I'm prepared now for, because this is a very entitled motherfucker who thinks he's God somehow over you people. I'm almost shocked he didn't have that part of his arsenal. I got definitely weird vibes, nothing to really speak of on it, but it definitely seemed strange. Fortunately, I was dealing with enough mentally. I couldn't have handled anymore. Oh.

Yuck. And we just don't know what happened to Tom. That was 10 years ago. Maybe he's still shouting at people or maybe someone finally punched him out or who knows. I'm going to try and be mature and say, I hope that he's changed. Right. That's good. That's nice. Oh boy. Oh, well. What a disaster. That was a great story. I'm so sorry you went through that. I know. Me too. It was a trial by fire for my first white collar job. Yeah. I wish my solution wasn't to beat this guy up, but it just is. Yeah.

Well, it was great meeting you and I hope you found a place where they're nice to you now. I could not be more grateful for my current job. They totally respect work-life balance and your job isn't your whole existence. And my current boss, I could not be more grateful to have him. Okay, great. We love that. Okay, it has a happy ending. Yes. Can I show you something super quickly? Yes. Look at my tattoo. It is an arm cherry. What? What?

Oh, we have matching tattoos. Oh, do you have one too? My whole arm is cherries. I probably have nine or ten that are cascading down my arm. Twinsies. Twinsies. That's very flattering. Yeah, we love you back. Thank you so much. Long time fan, first time caller. Okay, well be well. Yeah, have a great day. You as well. Okay, bye. That's terrible that man was treating her like that. Ugh, I know. Power will corrupt.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. We did a good job saying that in unison. We did. I'm proud of us. You are? Congratulations. Hi. Monica and I just said something in complete tandem, and it worked out really well, and now we're very happy about that. Do you want to know what we said? Yeah. You really want to do this again? It was so perfect. I know we do run the risk, but I believe in us. I'm going to touch your leg. No, that's cheating. That's cheating. Okay. Okay.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Even tighter than the first one. I'm glad we did it. That was impressive. What a waste of your time, Madison. I know. I'm so sorry. Where are you other than the closet? I am in Montana. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you lucky gal. Oh, is it cold there? You're wearing a nice sweater. It is. It's like 50 degrees today. Oh, it's brisk. And are you in a city or out in the wilderness? I'm in a city. I'll leave it at that because the story, I'm still living in the city. Absolutely. Absolute power grubs. Absolutely. Nope.

Okay, set the scene for us. Give us the year and tell us about this horrible boss. So this takes place in 2022, about two years ago. I had recently graduated and this was my first job out of college. It was an office manager position of a cleaning company owned by a married couple and I'll call them Ted and Lacey. Started off pretty good, a

About a month into the job, I come in one day and Ted tells me that he and Lacey are having marriage issues. Lacey has flown home to Indiana and I need to come with him to pick up her car from the airport. This is a heavy storyline for month one. I'm immediately like, okay, this is kind of weird. Definitely not in the job description, but...

As a passive 22-year-old, I'm like, sure, let's go. So we go. I drive her car back to the office. We go about the workday, which was a lot of me listening to him rant about their problems. What were his main complaints? It was a lot of the business that they weren't agreeing on, which I can imagine running a business with your partner is not easy. So workday ends, five o'clock rolls around. I'm getting ready to go. And he says to me,

Hey, I really like to get to know my employees on a personal level, and I'm not asking you on a date, but are you free for dinner tonight? Oh my God, ew. I feel like he killed his wife. I'm just gonna, I know you don't like when I guess, but I feel like he killed his wife. Okay, wholly inappropriate. You're 22? How old is he? He's probably mid-30s. I just feel pretty awkward.

and I'm so new into this job that I don't want to say no to my new boss. So I was like, sure, just let me know where to meet you. Okay, that's smart meeting. I go home and shortly after he texts me, hey, I'm actually going to pick you up. Nope. Be there.

be there in 15. That's not how... Uh-oh, everybody. He comes and picks me up and he takes me to the nicest restaurant in town. He's ordering wine, appetizers, tells me to get whatever I want. It's on the company. The whole dinner is definitely pretty awkward. He is sweating bullets the entire time. What if this was turned down to evacuation story? That'd be great. That would be amazing. But he doesn't do or say anything.

too inappropriate during the dinner. Can I ask, is he eating or just drinking? He barely ate. Yeah. Because he was so nervous? No, because he's gacked up or something. He drops me back off at home. We go our separate ways. And next morning, I go into work, dreading it. At this point, I don't really know

If he did just want to get to know his employee better or if I just went on a date with a married man. So I go into work and after all the housekeepers leave for the day, he sits down and says, hey, I want to address dinner last night.

Thanks for coming out. Obviously, my top priority is you working here, but I think you're a really cool girl and I've never met anyone like you before and I'd like to continue spending time together. Oh, God, is this uncomfortable. I feel so awkward. I pretty much just tell him I'm not interested. I'm here to work. You are married. Yeah. Please, let's not bring this up again. God.

Good for you. He kind of brushes it off and says he understands, but his demeanor definitely changed after that. The next few days, he was much more strict, sending me on pointless errands. My hours were cut. I no longer was like a full-time employee. Okay, I have to pause you because this is such a good example of when people are like, well, that's how people meet. They meet at the workplace. So what's the big deal about a boss dating a

This is why, because someone has power. And then if the subordinate does anything in the personal relationship, then in the professional relationship, the person with power can do this. Exactly. I call my mom one day and I'm like, I don't know how I got myself into this.

I do not want to work here anymore. This is horrible. I feel so uncomfortable all day at work with him being by myself. And my mom tells me, just quit. She is like, me and your dad will support you until you can find a new job. You are totally fine. Just get out of there. Yeah. That night, I ultimately decide I do not owe this guy a notice. I do not owe him an explanation. Next morning, I go in super early, leave my stuff on his desk.

And I text him and I say, yesterday was my last day. And I thought that is where it would end. But a couple months go by. I move on with my life. I start a new job. It's going really well. I'm thinking about my future. And one day I just get the idea, oh, I should probably check my credit. So I log in and my credit score has tanked.

And I've always had good credit. I always pay my bills on time. So I'm like, what the heck happened? And I see that there's a new Amex card on my account with a balance of $27,000. What? Oh, fuck. And at this point, I'm still oblivious. I'm still just very confused. So I call Amex, explain the situation.

They tell me this is a personal credit card recently opened in your name. And the woman tells me the billing address. I immediately recognize that billing address as my former place of employment with Ted. Oh, this point, everything clicks.

I rejected this man. I quit. And in retaliation, he has decided to steal my identity and go on a shopping spree in my name. 27,000. Holy shit. The fuck did he buy? I wish I would have asked the Amex person because from the timeline I quit to when I found out was only about three months.

So not very long for him to spend close to 30 grand. So luckily, my ex-boyfriend is a lawyer. I call him up because I'm like, I don't know if I need to sue this guy. I don't know what to do. He tells me to file an identity theft report with the FTC, sends me a link. I do it all online. I give them his name, phone number, address, and let them have at it. And they took care of everything for me.

I didn't have to do a thing. I got notified within a few weeks that my case was resolved. It was taken off my account. I got all my credit points back. Oh, thank God. And I've never heard from Ted Sessions. You don't know if he was arrested for that? I still have no idea, but I did look into him this week and he's still in business. Oh.

Is his wife dead? I did hear they are now divorced. Okay, so she's alive. Because I feel like that whole car thing was an alibi situation. Like he murdered her, but then he was like, oh, I got to pretend she left town. So I'm going to take her car there. How could he not have thought he was going to get caught? I think he was on speed, some kind of speed. He was sweating bullets, didn't eat much, acting irrational. Yeah, he did used to get high just like in the middle of the workday. So that...

could be part of the story. It turned into a total blessing in disguise because I'm still at the job that I landed after that horrible situation. And it's a very healthy workplace. And I actually get to work with podcasters.

I work for a business management firm and I do taxes for podcasters and musicians. Oh, wow. That's cool. Well, God, I'm proud of you for getting out of there so quickly and also saying, no, I don't want to be going on dates with you. Good for you. Yeah. Thanks for telling us that horrible story. Yeah. It was terrible. You're clearly a sweet person. Yeah. You don't deserve that. Not fair. Well, so nice meeting you. Thank you guys so much. Have a good rest of your day. Okay. You too. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

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This guy's off the rails. I mean, he's opening up credit cards in his employees' names. Yeah, definitely. Also, the notion that he wanted to go on a second date based on her assessment of how terrible the date was is so delusional. What if we have a dinner and we commit to the fact that we're only allowed to say absolute power corrupts absolutely? Or is it every time a word gets said we have to say that? Because that sounds more fun. Yeah.

In unison every time? Yeah. Okay. But what would be fun is if the server came and we were holding the menu, we would point to what we want and we would go, absolute power corrupts absolutely. That means I want that. Sure. Yeah.

No, but the way you said it sounded like a question mark. It sounds like you asked, is this good? Oh, I was saying, can I have this? Oh, so you got to work on that. And then tell me what I'm doing now. I'll go, absolute power crubs, absolutely. Check. Well, you did a gesture. Of course. Well, you're allowed to do gestures too. You are? But I also think my audible delivery is on the bike too. Okay, that's why don't do gestures, but do a different thing. Okay. I want to do gestures. Every time I think of something, I'm going to, like I was going to rub my tummy. No, that's so obvious. Well, let me do that one to see if you get this one though.

Absolute power crups, absolutely. No, Dax, that's... What do you think that is? I don't even know if you got it. Oh, it's so good. No, I didn't do it wrong. Oh, I'm so full? I couldn't possibly have dessert. I'm so full. Oh, no. Okay. Okay, so there could be some confusion. Okay, yeah. Even with chest shirts. What about this? Absolute power crups, absolutely. You got the wrong dish. Yes! Yeah, really good. Wow.

All right. How about this? Your waiter would hate you. They would be a part of a prompt on another show. Tell us what the worst customers you've ever had. I'm going to try this one. Okay. Okay. Absolute power corrupts. Absolutely. Do it one more time. I'll see if I can get it. Absolute power corrupts. Absolutely. How was it? Yeah. It was great. That's right. Yeah. That was, it was great. See, it can be done.

We need a break. We need to take a nap. Yeah. Oh, how about this? I got one too after you got that. Can I say um? No. Okay. Absolute. Oh, fuck. It's really hard to do without um. Okay, hold on. Absolute power creps absolutely. Oh, I did it. You're pointing a lot. I think it was can I get this without cheese? Oh, no. Let me try again. Okay. Absolute power creps absolutely. Oh, have you guys always been open on Tuesdays?

No, it was, where's the bathroom? Oh, okay. Well, let me try that. Okay. Okay, you ready? Yeah. Absolute power crups, absolutely. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If I'm not allowed to say um, you're not allowed to do all those things you did. That was all within the words. No, you went um.

Okay, so what was I asking for? About to poop my pants. Yeah, where's the bathroom? I know, but that's because, no, you have to do it without any additions. You're so hypocritical. All right, how about this? Okay. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Do you have anything gluten-free? Yeah. It was, can I get this lettuce wrapped? So yeah. You looked really like, you don't normally ask it like that. I go, give it to me, lettuce wrap, bitch. Or if it's a guy, I go, give it to me, lettuce wrap, fucking dick.

You know you're white trash when you kind of swallow fucking. Did you hear how I just said that? I don't want you to see me. I'm going to go. Dick. Do you hear how it's like? Yeah, I hear you. That's how it's done. No, it's not. Yes, in Milford, Michigan. That sounds so tried. No, no. In Milford, Michigan, that was like, oh. He says fuck so often that he's got his own version of it. What? What? Who?

Where am I? What? Is this a restaurant? How about this? Oh, no. It's a gesture. I know. I have to first practice it with the gesture. Okay, I got one now, too. Okay, go. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

You wouldn't say that in a restaurant, like that there's a bad smell. You're onto it. Do you think this fish is spoiled? Yeah. Oh, spoiled? Yeah. Do you think this fish is bad? Would you say that? Yeah. I'm sorry. Do you think this fish might be bad? I'm inviting them to smell it. And then they bend down to smell it. And then I go, got ya. Absolutely. Power grubs. Absolutely. I hope you keep all this.

Hi. Hello. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good. Do you have a preferred fake name? Yes. I'm going to go by Andy. Andy. I like that name. Yep. Gender neutral. I like it. Wait, I know why. My guess is because Andy from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Great guess, but a similar situation. So I'm going to call my boss Miranda. Oh, Devil Wears Prada. Oh.

One of my very favorites. You got the context clues. Yeah, I did. I would have been out to sea on that one. Yeah, the reason I chose those is because my twin sister has always said that I should write a book called The Devil Wears Patagonia about this experience. Ooh, okay.

And if I can give a quick little sidebar about my twin sister, you recently mentioned on the Jack Black episode that you'd never met a triplet because his wife's a triplet. And now you sort of have because I'm part of a set of triplets. Oh, wow. So when you say your twin sister, we have no clue who you're talking about. There's identicals and the third's a boy. Oh, that's helpful. That's.

That's so cool. Holy shit. So it's an identical twin sister and a fraternal brother. Yes. Wow. So there was two eggs. One of them split. What a shit show in your mother's womb. I mean, every option that could happen was happening. She's so cool. Yeah.

And she'd also had a tubal pregnancy prior, so she only had one tube. So she double ovulated on one side and it was all natural. Whoa. Oh my God. Miracles can happen. I wonder if she felt like it was a miracle that I had three babies at once, man. Well, I'm just saying. God bless anyone who can get through that. You often think you won't be able to. Sure. I think that's three. That's incredible. If you're missing a tube. Yeah. And my dad already had three girls and didn't want any more.

Oh, it was a bit of a just one turned into three more. Oh, fun. Oh, that's great. Just a quick disclaimer before I get into this. I just want to say that this story is about one person and not representative of the company. I'm not going to name the company. And also that this happened a long time ago. How long ago? Almost 15 years ago. So my dream growing up was to make wildlife documentaries.

and decided to go to school for the science side instead of the film side. So I studied wildlife biology and animal behavior, which

which will sort of become relevant in the story. And after I finished graduate school, I floundered around for a while. I'm from Southern California originally, so I was in Southern California trying to get into film and then eventually managed to get an internship at kind of the dream company on the East Coast. So I was a very old unpaid intern and I was in my late 20s by this point. From there, I managed to get an entry-level job and eventually I was able to get

The Dream Job, which was working on a series about wildlife around the world. Oh, fun. Yeah, seemed exciting. But I knew going in that Miranda, the executive producer of the show, had a reputation for being difficult. I think when you want something bad enough, you convince yourself, I'm tougher than these other people that came before me. I can get through it.

A couple of little fun facts. Miranda outwardly expressed that she hated working with women. So that was a rough start. I was, for most of the time I worked on the show, the only other woman working on the team.

And she would do things like steal prescription medications out of our desks. Oh. She had a fun habit of ending statements with, and if you tell HR, I'll murder you. And she would send texts saying that. Putting that in writing is so dumb. It was a different time, I feel like, back then. And so she clearly didn't like me. She didn't want to pay me as much as the men and all of that. But just sort of a favorite quote of hers.

of hers was one time she came into my office at the end of the day and kind of crouched down next to me and said if you quit I'll hunt you down like the runaway bunny and make your life hell and that has always stuck with me as she hated me but she didn't want me to leave can I tell you the creepiest part of that is what's this runaway fucking allegory she thinks everyone knows that's weirdly the creepiest part of that no one has ever heard of that no I'm thinking

It's a kid's book. But it's not like Velveteen Rabbit. It's too specific. It's very creepy. Don't be the runaway bunny. We all know what happened to her. Ew.

I should take this time to apologize because earlier I said all the stories were men and this is a woman. Oh, good. I'm glad we could provide some gender balance here. That's right. Women can be evil as well. All humans can be terrible pieces of shit. Yeah, but it is three to one. I am going to say that. Well, that's...

also reflective of how many men versus women are in boss positions. Well, which I think is... That's bad. For this to be a one-to-one apples, there'd have to be 50% of all bosses were women and 50% were men. Let's try it. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, I'm for it. I'm for it. So I'm trying to condense two years of trauma into one story, but I'm going to tell you about the first shoot I went on for her, which was only the second shoot I'd ever gone on. And it was a big one. It was to fill...

to film wolves in Mongolia. Whoa. Yeah, logistically challenging. No accommodations, I'm imagining. Hard to find outside of Ulaanbaatar. And I had selfishly pitched this as one of the habitats we covered, the Asian steppe, because I always wanted to go to Mongolia. So as the shoot got closer and I think she got more stressed...

She started setting what my sister, who's a writer, kind of told me is like this trope in fairy tales. The idea of the impossible task is you'll maybe remember from The Devil Wears Prada. It's sort of like when Miranda asks Andy to get the unpublished Harry Potter book for her twins. So she sort of started setting those sorts of tasks for me. And so she decides a week before the trip.

that I need to find a trained wolf in addition to the wild wolves that we're supposed to be filming so that we can film close-ups. And if I don't do that, then she's canceling the whole trip, which we've now spent months with. I'm like in a panic. I'm working with our local fixer. Every day I get an update. Like I

And then the next morning, I get another update. The wolf was killed. And this happens like three times. Oh, boy. Two wolves were killed and the third one had pups and then couldn't travel. So, you know, it's getting more and more stressful. Somehow we...

Find a wolf and we get on the plane. Wait, so is the wolf a local hire or are you bringing the wolf with you guys? A local hire. Okay, okay, great. So that's helpful. Fortunately, not traveling all the way to Mongolia. So we get there, we have the adult trained, trained quote unquote wolf, and then five orphaned wolf pups that someone...

hand it over to the owner of the adult wolf. It's clear pretty quickly that the adult wolf is not actually trained. It's just a wolf that's in captivity. Oh, no. How's a cholera?

and the leash isn't like attacking humans, but also is not trained. So the second you take the leash off, it has disappeared into the hills. Of course. Well, it's a prisoner. Yeah. So the whole week there's updates of like, well, the wolves disappeared again. And then the trainer is wandering the hills for a few hours, trying to get it back. So the first task I'm given is to take a Fox skin cap that Miranda has bought at the gift shop of our hotel and

and fashion a cover for the denim collar that this wolf is wearing. So try and make it blend in with its fur so that when you film it, you can't see the collar. Oh my gosh. This is almost like The Room or one of these famous, what are they doing? You can't, this is insane. It's going to have a collar on it, but then we're going to cover it with this. It's sounding like a satire, like a Christopher Guest animal show. Yes. I,

I'm focusing on some of the lighter hearted stories, but there was a lot going on kind of all the time on this trip. Then we're a couple of days in and the cameramen report back that the wolf pups have escaped into a cave because they're trying to film them in front of some rocks and they crawl into this rocky outcropping and they won't come out. So by this point in the trip, I realized that really my job is to be Miranda's like handler and guide.

The men get to stay out in yurts near the filming location, but I have to be her chaperone back to Ulaanbaatar several hours away every night to make sure she's safe and happy and comfortable. Does she have any substance abuse issues? The prescription that she was fond of stealing was Ambien, so she didn't really sleep.

And she's also very much a chain smoker, struggled with traveling without smoking. But that's all I know about. I'm not sure what else was going on there. Okay. It's around this time that she decides she's got to get the wolf pups out of this cave. So the next day and her way of solving this problem logically is to get an aerosol product like hairspray to try and like smoke the pups out of the cave. Oh my God.

I am like panicking. So my suggestion is to find like a squirt gun instead and maybe use some water, at least that we're not harming the wolf bubs. And miraculously, we go into a supermarket and they have a bunch of like super soakers there. Even in Mongolia. Yeah. Miranda decides that this is the moment that she knew I had crossed over and that's

that I would make it as a producer because I had finally solved a problem logically. And that was my turning point in her eyes. The rest of the trip, Miranda told everyone how much I'd grown on the trip, including the size of my ass. Oh, okay. She was tracking that. Yeah. So that was my first trip with her and I got through it and proceeded to spend the next year or

Working for her, traveling around the world. I finally got to go back to Mongolia a year later without her. And as soon as I got back, quit that job and moved on. And did she feel deeply betrayed? Like, I finally let one woman in. Oh, yeah. She didn't hunt me down, but she did screw me over on my credit and things like that. She tried to stop me from getting this other job. Is she still at it? She's not at that company. I'm pretty sure she is, but she's moved around a bit since then.

You continue to do this work? I do, yep. Do you have a favorite one you've watched recently? Because I have one. Is it Chimp Crazy? Well, I wouldn't put that under the category. I did love Chimp Crazy, but there's an orangutan one on Netflix that's pretty new. Oh, I haven't seen it. Oh, it's incredible. What's your favorite? There's a very old one that I really like called Queen of Trees that's about fig trees and the relationship between the fig tree and these tiny wasps that pollinate the figs.

It's a good one in the kind of nature space. What a cool job. Truly. Thanks. It's a tough one, but I've gotten to see some pretty cool things. I bet it's gratifying. Have you been attacked by any animals? Great question. No, just my dog, who has a lot in common with whiskey. Okay. It's kind of useless.

Kind of snappy, but I've been in situations where I'm like, this is probably a pretty dumb situation to be in. And I could be attacked by an animal, but fortunately nothing's happened. Well, how about this? Did you watch Chimp Empire? No, I haven't watched it yet. I've heard you talk about it a ton, obviously. Since you've done this, you have to watch it to imagine how they were capturing this footage.

Yeah, a lot of the work I do now is actually more people-centered, like people and nature. And I find it actually easier in a lot of ways to tell a more authentic story with humans involved. Is it safe to say a lot of what we're seeing is staged? I feel like that's what I learned from this. That's what I learned working on that film.

This boss in particular leaned heavily on setting things up. But also even just in the edit, you're making the story. So you're making it maybe look like this owl's in the tree and the mouse is on the ground and it's scared. But that's all in the editing. So it's not necessarily happening. Yeah, that part I can kind of figure out. I feel like when I'm watching them and they build it so perfectly where you think the mouse saw the owl. Yeah.

They really do a good job. And I'm like, yeah, no one saw each other. Yeah. So there's definitely a lot of that, which is why I think when you have the human-based stories, you can hear things from the people's perspective and...

not have to force some of that as much. Well, Annie, lovely meeting you. Andy. What'd I say? Annie. Well, it's a fake. I don't feel too bad if I get a fake name. Well, it is Anne Hathaway. We're in the ballpark. All right. Well, tell your twin sister and your triplet brother we say hi. I will. My twin sister is actually the one who initially turned me on to the podcast a few years ago. And she wishes she was the one getting to talk to you guys right now. And if she wasn't overseas, she'd be popping in to say hi.

Well, she'll write in for another prompt. We'll get her. She's tried a couple times and hasn't yet. So she was pretty mad. They got it on the first try. Sounds familiar. Oh, siblings. All right. Well, be well. And thanks for telling us that story. It was great meeting you. Thank you guys. All right. Take care.

Do you wish you had a twin sister? Identical twin sister? Oh, it'd be fun. I love twins. I love Mary Kay and Ashley. Yeah, twins are fun. They're so close. They are. Most siblings can't run a business together. Like the fact that they have that business. I know. And it's no problem. Well, we run a business together. But we're not siblings. Yeah, we are. Okay.

You never saw it on the 23andMe? No. It would be done, closed case about the Sim. If we found out we were. It's like relative, living relative. And it said Monica Padman from Duluth, Georgia. I would go, okay, that's it. I don't know what to do with that info though. Knowing full confirmation the Sim's real. Do you start being a daredevil? Like, well, I probably can't die in this Sim. No, knock on wood. Knock on wood. This is the most insane knock on the wood I think you've had yet. No.

No, because you're saying you can't die. If you got confirmation, it was the Sim. I just don't want to say you can't die. Okay, okay. All right. I love you. Love you, brother. Hey, love you, sis. Bye. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. No.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. I'm a flyer, I'm dish. I'm the flyer, I'm dish. Enjoy. Enjoy.

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What's up, guys? It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season. And let me tell you, it's too good. And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay? Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation. And I don't mean just friends. I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox. The list goes on. And now I have my own YouTube channel.

So follow, watch, and listen to Baby, This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch full episodes on YouTube and you can listen to Baby, This is Kiki Palmer early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery. And where are my headphones? Because it's time to get into it. Holla at your girl!