Armchair Anonymous: Grocery Store
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- Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman. - Hello. - I'm gonna be the first to admit, I poo-pooed this prompt. I mean, I didn't poo-poo it, I signed off on it, but I had low expectations. Grocery stores? - Yeah, you were like, "What?" - What could happen at a grocery store? Boy, was I wrong. This was one of the most barn burner-y episodes we've had in forever. - It was really fun. And lots of left turns, left curve balls.

Pootie, violence, injury. Pop-outs. And then a heartwarming story. So this was a tricky one because you definitely should not listen to the first three stories. But then the last story is very heartwarming so you can listen to that one. So I don't know how you do this. You can listen to the first three.

First one for sure. Well, it has blood. A small amount of blood. Sound like a lot of blood. Child apparel too. Fuck it. Just skip it. It was a great episode though. It's a bummer you can't listen to it. Yeah. We'll be back next week with some other great one. Before we go and turn loose the grocery store story.

stories. We want to announce prompts and guess what? We're going to do September and October at once. We're going to cast a wider net. We're going to flood Emma's inbox and make her crazy. Okay. So this is for September. Not that you need to know that. Tell us about a first day of school or lunchroom disaster. Tell us about a blessing in disguise. Tell us about an internship disaster. Tell us a crazy church story.

Now in October, tell us a crazy convenience store story that's based on how good grocery store was. I've had a lot of convenience store stories. That's hard to say. I worry that it's just going to be you who writes in. I might write in. Tell us about a horrible boss. We love horrible bosses. They even made a couple movies about it. Tell us about a social media fail.

These could hit all kinds of spots. Tell us a crazy hotel story. So, hotel story, social media fail, horrible boss, convenience store, crazy church, internship disaster, blessing in disguise, and first day of school or lunchroom disaster. Please write in. We would love to talk to you and hear the juicy stories. Please enjoy Grocery Store Debacles. Hard times come and go.

Take em slow, had em both, but never once You gotta know, I'ma keep on shinin'

Hi. Look at this gorgeous fort. Yeah, what a cozy fort you're in. Thank you. All of our closets don't get good Wi-Fi, so this was the best option. It looks really cozy. It feels like something I want to go take a nap in. Yeah, you should consider keeping it in your house as a, what do they call those rooms where you go to like, if you're having a bad trip at a concert venue. It's like a safe room or something. I will consider that.

Okay. Where are you calling us from? I am from San Diego. Oh, wonderful. Many of our good friends are from the San Diego area. Were you involved in youth Christian theater? I was. Oh my God.

Oh, my God. No way. Yes. Christian Youth Theater. CYT. CYT. I used to work for them and choreograph for them for a long time. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. So, you know, well, the Russells. Uh-huh. Unbelievable. Okay, great. And you have a grocery store story on top of it.

I do have a grocery store story. This story actually takes place in 2013. And at the time we were living in San Jose. I have three daughters. They were six, four and one years old. So I had just picked up my middle daughter, Amber from ballet class. And I had like an hour to spare. I decided to check out the brand new shiny market that was right next door to her ballet studio.

So I have my one-year-old in the baby seat in the cart and Amber is beside me and she's in her little pink leotard and tutu. And she is walking beside me down the aisle and she's getting lots of compliments of how cute she's looking. And she's like kind of dancing down the aisles and people are egging her on. We get to the end of one of the aisles and I remember I turned for a second and

And it's the jellies and jam. And I turn and like pick up a jar. And all of a sudden I hear this crash happen. And I thought the entire shelf of jam fell. That's how bad the crash glass everywhere. Substances flying. And I'm like, what happened? Really quick. You're in California. Is your like first thought earthquake?

Or child? I've been in several earthquakes. It wasn't ground rumbling. It was like a crash bang, blast flying everywhere happening. So I looked down the aisle a little way. At the end of the aisle, my daughter had danced into a display of wine. Oh!

They had put red wine, white wine into like a tower display. And she had crashed into it. And the entire display had fallen over. And there was wine everywhere, glass everywhere. My daughter's like in the middle of the mess. Obviously, we're making a big scene. A crowd is gathering around us. I'm in shock. I have my car and my one-year-old and I'm just stunned. I don't know what to do. And I'm

Out of nowhere, probably like six workers come gathering around us. And they're like giving us towels and trying to dry off my daughter. She's crying and hysterical this whole time. And one of them notices that my daughter's leg is cut. It's bleeding pretty badly. Oh, my God.

Really quick, kind of confusing. If there's red wine in the mix, this doesn't make it the most obvious thing. I've been here. Is it a cut or is it red wine? You spilled your drink on yourself. Exactly. So this is embarrassing to say, but my first thought wasn't, is my daughter okay? My first thought was, how am I going to pay for all this wine? I think that's natural. Yeah, because that is a lot.

And so the workers come over and one of them notices that she's cut and they're like, hey, can you grab her and we'll wheel your other baby in the cart and we'll take you guys to the back. So I pick her up. They wheel us to the back room. In the back room, there's the first aid kit. And I'm just quickly realizing that I think they think I might sue them because they just begin to shower us with gifts. Oh!

My daughter is handed this like organic, bigger than her face, chocolate chip cookie, lollipop. Oh!

coloring books. They're like, what do you want? You can have the store bandaging her up. And so I'm just still shocked. They finally get her cleaned up. The cut isn't super bad. It doesn't need stitches or anything. They just clean her up. My daughter's actually more upset that her leotard has wine on it than the cut. Yeah. You're worried about the money. She's got some dough tied up in these tights. Like everyone's straight to the merch. Exactly. They get her cleaned up.

I just have a few items in my cart and they wheel us to the front of the checkout line. They tell me I don't have to pay for anything in my cart. They bag me all up. They asked me if I need help. And I'm like, no, I'm okay. You guys have done enough. I just want to leave at this point and get out of there. So I take my baby and my four-year-old and we get to the car. I had to change the clothes. So I was able to change her and we get strapped in and I will never forget. I

I was about ready to give her a lecture on maybe we should be more careful in the grocery stores and all this stuff. And I turn around and look at her and her car is about ready to give her my lecture. And she's eating her ginormous organic chocolate chip cookie. Her reward. And I said, Amber, did you learn anything today? And she's like, no.

And she said, it's okay to dance in grocery stores as long as it's not next to wine. Oh, see, yes, she knew. To this day, she is a dancer. And so it was worth it. She is now in high school and goes to a performing arts boarding school for dance. Oh, no kidding. Wow, incredible. And is she a wino as well? That'd be a great. Or she's sober. Yeah.

She's afraid of wine. Not quite old enough, but maybe one day we're working on it. Now, not that you're a greedy little pig like me, but after you realized all your groceries were free on the car ride home, are you like, fuck, I should have went harder? Kind of. Yeah. I'm not done shopping.

I think everyone has the shopping market sweepstakes fantasy where you run through and fill up a cart as fast as you can. And that's virtually what you stumbled into. Get that Mary's organic chicken. Oh, yeah. A couple thousand dollars worth of chicken. Would have been weird if you would have bought some of the wine. But did you happen to notice on subsequent trips there that they had learned a lesson? Like, forget your daughter. Actually, my daughter wanted to send like, I'm sorry notes after a couple of days later.

She drew a little picture of her with crashing bottles of wine all around her and a little note that said, I'm sorry. And I went in and I actually found the manager that was helping Ben and her up and I gave him the note.

And he hung it on his bulletin board in the back office. They were super sweet. But I did notice that there was no wine display on the end of the aisle. Not just for little dancing ballerinas, but a lot of times people are on their phone kind of pushing their cart forward as they text. Like just a big pyramid of glass in an aisle is probably not. Carts are already hard to navigate. Maneuver. Yeah, I can imagine that going poorly. I'm still kind of getting over the fact that I just randomly guessed.

if she was involved. I helped found CYT in Santa Cruz. Oh, no kidding. And then when it started in San Diego, then I joined the team here as part of the directors. Oh, my God. So do you know Amy Russell? No.

Mal Hanson. Not really, but I do know she's related to the wrestles. But no, I don't know her. But I know she's friends with you guys. So I've always kind of said by third removal, we're friends. Absolutely. That's so fun. It's only one degree of separation, really. Can I give a shout out really quick? Please. My friend Rochelle. We're both armchair expert fans. So I wanted to give her a shout out. And it was her birthday this week, too. So happy birthday, Rochelle. Happy birthday. So happy to have you.

Great meeting you. And thank you for telling us that great story. Thank you. Take care. That's wild. Truly wild. Yeah, the world is Simi. Simi is lazy. Simi is hot for the summer. Yeah, too hot. Behind the curtain, the air was too strong for you in here and you went and fetched a sweatshirt.

And now are you regretting it? No. You're still cold? Mm-hmm. Okay, great. My tea is cold. Everything's cold. My heart is cold. Morgan, I think. I bet it's Morgan. Morgan, but there's an A-N-N-E. I know there's too many letters for sure, but there's no way it's Morgan. Morgan. We'll find out. Is it a Y? Oh, no. Morgan. Morgan. Morgan. Oh, boy. Hello.

We were just deciding exactly how to pronounce your name. Is it Morgan or Morgan? It's just Morgan. My mom just wanted to fuck around with everyone. I like a little twist. My mom does too, apparently. Where are you, Morgan? I know you like the guessing game sometimes. Oh, you're clearly in a closet. Okay, but there's jackets and stuff. So it's a cold environment. Yeah.

I want to say Minnesota, but you don't have the accent. I'm in a tank top right now, too. Oh. So it's warm currently. Utah. Colorado. That's a good guess, Wabi. Colorado. Our final answer. Buffalo. Oh, I don't think I would have got there. I never would have. Okay, so you're in Buffalo. Does your grocery store story take place in Buffalo? It does not. It takes place on the first day of my honeymoon, my 29th birthday in Rome. Ooh.

Wait, you got married right on your birthday and went on your honeymoon? We got married June 29th, so like six weeks ago, and then went to Italy two days after we got married. Wait, so this story's new. It's like from a month ago. Yeah. Exciting. We rarely get them this fresh. First of all, congratulations on your nuptials, and also congratulations on a great pick for a honeymoon, Rome. So I took some notes just because I'm like freaking out because I'm so excited and nervous and anxious and all of the good things.

Before I start, I want to give a quick shout out to my sister because literally when you guys said the prompt of grocery store, she texted me in all caps. I was like, Morgan, you need to submit this. So shout out to Alyssa. How does she spell Alyssa? E-L-I-S-S.

Okay, she's got a twist too. I love it. I love your mom. Me too. So we're in Rome. We got there, like I said, on my birthday. So it was July 2nd. That's Erin Weakley's birthday. You're a J2C. July 2nd cancer. That's huge. Amazing. Rare club. Okay.

So we had just gone out to dinner. My dad's from Italy, so I've been there a couple of times and it was Josh's, my now husband's, first time in Italy. So we were super excited to be there. We went out to dinner, super nice dinner. After that, we were walking around. I was like, let's go to the Spanish Steps. So we walked all the way up the Spanish Steps and I look at Josh and I was like, oh, I have to poop.

Oh, we love when this happens. Sure, sure, sure, sure. And if you're at the top of the Spanish Steps and you go to the left, there's that little peninsula and a hotel right there. Maybe you could duck in there. And are you the type of relationship where you guys talk about poops? Clearly. Oh, yeah. Oh, great. He literally like lifts his leg up and farts on me. It's disgusting. Sure, sure. Oh, wow. Buffalo, Michigan. Yeah, real unfortunate for me. Michigan.

Midwest, you know, that kind of vibe. So we had like a 20 to 30 minute walk back to the Airbnb. So we're like, okay, let's start walking back. I start like profusely sweating. I'm like, not okay. I'm like, okay, let's start going into stores, asking them if they have a bathroom. We don't really know how like

the public restrooms were. It's really hard to find. - Hey, can I ask you a quick question? Is this feeling just like, oh, I've got a poop or I am sick? It sounds like with the sweating, maybe sick, but also it's very hot out. So I don't know. - I didn't feel like sick. I just knew I needed to get to a bathroom almost immediately. - Okay, great. - We went into like at least three places and everyone was like, oh, we don't have a restroom. Some people just straight up ignored us. So we keep going. Oh, and by the way, I'm wearing a dress with bike shorts under. That's important to the story.

So we're like walking. I look at my GPS and I'm like, okay, we have 11 minutes left. Oof. And I look at him and I was like, I cannot go on any longer. Dripping sweat. I could hardly walk. You were having to pinch your butt cheeks and stuff? Yeah, I was like nervous. Someone would like squeak out. It was not fun. Yeah, yeah. I've never shit my pants. Yeah. In public, at home, once. Okay, there we go. But...

But not in public. So I was like, I can't shit on the street right now. Like there's so many people. Like I can't do this. I don't know what to do. So I like run into this grocery store. I'm like, okay, Josh, help me ask people. So I run to the back trying to look for a door to the bathroom. And I'm asking people restocking the shelves. And they're like, I don't know. I was like, this is an emergency. Yeah. Cool.

I need a bathroom. So Josh was asking like the cashiers up front. And at this point, I was like, there's no holding this. So, you know, those plastic bags that you put fruit in? Sure. Absolutely. The see-through ones. So I grabbed one of those because I'm like, OK, it's going to happen somewhere in here. And I just want to be like mindful and thoughtful to try to not make a mess. Wow. It's desperate times. Yeah. They call for desperate measures. Oh, yeah. So I grabbed one of those plastic bags.

I see this door in the back corner. I feel like I blacked out because I was so frantic. But it was just this little room, and then I see another door. So I run into that door, and it was the cooler, the walk-in cooler. I lift my bike towards off, and I have explosive diarrhea. Oh!

In the bag? Wow, into the see-through bag? You were able to contain it to the bag? Well, let's find out. Oh, okay. I was not. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, there's no way. Oh, my God. Those bags are small. I know. I didn't know what else to do. Yeah, you're doing the best you can. This is like as responsible as you can get. Oh, my God. And you're in the cooler. There's all the fresh stuff's in there. We're talking with potentially thousands of dollars in damaged goods. Okay. So, yeah. So, I just start having...

explosive diarrhea on the floor oh yeah i listened to another episode recently and you said whenever you start pooping pee just starts coming out well that's exactly what happened to me oh i just started peeing like just uncontrollably oh my god your body my body is just getting rid of literally everything it's betraying you betraying me in the cooler okay when you guys say

You guys say cooler. You mean like refrigerator. Let's just say what it is. A refrigerator. It is a refrigerator. Yeah. Really quick. Did you let the door shut behind you? I always have this panic in those things that you're going to get trapped. Yeah. Oh, I slammed it. I need a couple of details. Did you at some point just jettison the bag and go fuck it? Or did you keep trying to get everything in the bag? I think the bag like fell out of my hand while I was shitting. Like I think poop just hit it and like just fell to the ground. Blasted it out of your hand. It probably splashed it even further.

like made it all worse. Oh my God. I was almost crying while pooping too because I'm like, oh my God, what am I doing? This is so shameful. I feel so bad. What is my life? What is happening? So I'm like looking around to see if there's anything I can clean it up with, any paper towels, any towels of any sort. Obviously there's nothing in there. So I'm like looking around. I notice I shit on some nice Italian cheese. Oh!

That was the only thing I hit. Everything else was farther back, but there's cheese like right near my butt. Oh my goodness. This is such a disaster. And by the way, this is not to shame you because I love this. That's weirdly the grossest combination I could hear is that there was like an aged cheese with shit on it. And it was open.

Why didn't they wrap it? Was it like a big block of cheese? No, so it was a small, like, brie. All the bigger stuff were in the back. But, like, I just looked around and I was like, yep, I just shit on some cheese. A brie wheel. I think I would have been so overwhelmed by life. I would have taken that brie and just slammed it on the ground, squished it all up with my poop. Blamed it on the brie? Yeah. Oh, my God, you're so lucky I broke this brie open. Look what was inside. What?

Honestly, not a bad idea. I really wish I would have done that. You guys saved the day, guys. I'm a hero. And it's my birthday. This is insane. Oh, I forgot that part. What the fuck?

That is so unfair. Really quick, too. Not to drag this out too long, but in a way, you would think the worst part's over. But it's not at all. The shitting all over the place isn't even the beginning. I know. I need to hear. Are you going to try to sneak out? Okay, we'll find out. Here we go. So I'm like looking around. Obviously, I shit all over the floor. I peed all over the floor. I shit on some cheese. So I'm like, take my bike shorts off. And there was nothing to clean up with. So I wiped my ass with my bike shorts. Yeah, smart. Left them in there. Oh, shit.

Rented out. No, stop, stop. Stop. Of course. Did you take the brie? Oh, no. Oh, no. I wasn't touching that. I would never touch that shitty brie. Oh, my God.

You had to. This was survival. I would have done the same thing. It doesn't change anything if you stick around. We still need an employee to get a mop and all kinds of stuff. Okay, so you run out of the cooler. And Josh is waiting at the second most door. So he must have saw me like run in. And I was like, we need to leave immediately. This is like a crime scene to me. Like I'm like guilty. I'm shameful. We need to leave. So the first five minutes of our walk back to the Airbnb, she was like, silence. Silence.

I was like, do you still love me? You just married me. Do you want to continue being married to me? I can't believe what I just did. Is this what 29 is? Freaking out about everything. And then I found out that traveler's diarrhea is a thing. Yeah, I've heard of it. Is this where you're constipated for a few days because of all the change? And then finally your body's like, we got to get all this out. Is that what happens? I wasn't constipated at all because there's new bacterias and stuff in these other places that we're not used to. Well, when I was on my Ural trip,

with my girlfriend Carrie when I was 19. Every time we had to get on a train and go to another city, I would have like, I guess, anxiety about, oh, we're going to get there. We got to figure out a hostel and I got to use this map and there was no phones. And so that was happening to me where every time we got somewhere, I had diarrhea. And one time in particular, we got out of the train station in Switzerland and

And I ran to the bathroom and you had to be able to put whatever their currency was in the fucking lock to get it open. And there was about a two foot gap at the top of the door. But that was about five feet in the air. And I had to jump up and go over the top of that thing and just made it to diary in time. Well, thank God you're so tall. You could just hop that five foot front easily. So when you told him the whole thing, was he kind of proud of you? I don't think privileged.

Proud is the right word. He was like, if that ever happens again, you just need to shit yourself. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to imagine. That's probably right. There's going to be some judgmental people. I don't condone that. But some people will be judgmental, right? Maybe they work at a grocery store and they're like, God damn it. This woman came in. I would have to clean that. She's salesman right now is mad. Whoever's mad. And I'm trying to think what would they have done? But I guess, Josh, your new husband's point. Maybe you just go in your pants. Yeah.

Every time I've been in this situation, I pull my pants down. I don't want to fill my pants. So I guess it is selfish. You should fill your pants and not someone else's. But I'm not in any judgment whatsoever. I would have done the same thing. No one's thinking clearly. You're panicked. Yeah, I was so panicked. It was so tough. A little tiny word to it. I've had some poop issues in the past. I went to Italy with Imodium ready for me. So...

So after that happened, I just kept taking Imodium because I was so nervous it was going to happen again. And then like five days later, I almost passed out because I was so constipated because I took so much Imodium. Oh, God. Are you Crohn's adjacent or anything? Or IBS adjacent? My friend who has IBS also thinks I have IBS, but like nothing comes back. There's something wrong. A lot of women have it. It's a very high percentage of women have IBS. So you probably have it. Don't let those doctors tell you you don't have it. Yeah, Monica would never let that happen. You have it.

Well, Morgan, that was delightful. Yeah, I loved that. Can he actually say hi? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

But I was sweating just as bad. I've been there before. Yeah, mirror neurons are firing. It's a situation where in some weird way you're supposed to protect your lady. This is a very traumatic situation. You need to protect her and there's not much you can do. There isn't. And I did not speak Italian, which didn't help at the time. Everybody's staring at me and I'm just shouting bathroom in Italian over and over again and

No, nobody's given me anything. Well, lovely meeting both of you. This was such a great time. Nice meeting you too. Yeah, it was so nice meeting you guys. And again, when you get through something like that on day one of a honeymoon, that's a good sign. I'm very bullish about the long-term results of this union. Thank you. I appreciate that. All right. Well, wonderful meeting both of you. Take care. Nice to meet you guys too. Thank you so much. All right. Bye-bye.

Oh, that was so fun. I tried saying take care. I never say that. Ah, that's a new... Yeah.

I'm going to give that a shot. Oh, that was fun. Wild that it was only a month ago. I can't believe it got on the cheese. I know. Hearing those two words together. I feel like I would have taken the cheese with me just out of. You would have added theft to the list of. But really, but you know it's better because what if someone eats it? They'll. Well. That's the scary part. I think when they got in. I mean, by the way, what a terrible day at work for somebody. I know.

know they're like Philippa go grab something out of the fridge and some guy just unsuspectingly thinks he's running to the cooler to grab something he walks in he's like a mama mia papa pia okay go ahead somebody had a diarrhea there it is yeah fuck I figured what

anything in there while we were talking to her. This is the most perfect moment for Mamma Mia. You got it in, you got it in, okay? Maybe we'll hear from a grocery store clerk from Italy. I would hope so. I mean, that's like, remember that happened to us for the wolf? Yeah. Wolves feel fake. I would quit. I would walk in there. You would. And I would walk right out, put in my one minute's notice. I would think this is an opportunity for me to really elevate my standing in this organization.

organization. While you're hitting record, I'm going to tell you how beautiful your skin is. Are you noticing that too, Monica? It's like porcelain beautiful. It is nice. My wife is going to be so proud of me that you said that because she has been on my ass about taking better care of my skin as I get into my 30s now.

Okay, great. And an ounce of prevention is truly worth a pound of cure. And is that a bosquiat reproduction behind you? No, it is definitely that style, though. I do a bunch of paintings and stuff. Is that yours? Yeah. Oh, wow. Move again. I love it. Oh, it's very cool. Yeah. A very bosquiat. I titled this one Hangry because I'm one of those guys that when I get hungry, I get pissed off and I'm a jerk. So that's me when I haven't had breakfast. Nice. Have you ever been diagnosed with hypoglycemia? No.

I don't know. All the men in my family, we all get real angry when we're hungry. So maybe there's a common theme there. Yeah, maybe ask the doctor to do a glucose test. Okay, here's glucose intolerance. Okay, and then the last thing I just need to talk about before we talk about grocery stores is what a great Mickey's tea. Back when I was a drinker, I would always make room for some Mickey's. For me, opening day baseball was a great Mickey's. I have the same story. I don't drink anymore. I stopped drinking six years ago.

Best decision I ever made in my life. But I saw this shirt at like a thrift store a couple months ago and it immediately just brought me back to some good memories in college. And I was like, I'm rocking that shirt. I don't care. I love it. Vintage. Have you ever drank Mickey's? No.

haven't it's a very unique taste it's a malt liquor you're not missing anything monica it's pretty nasty stuff kenny no monny he's always trying to get me to drink weird stuff he like forced me to drink guinness in england on tap she's got to do that right i had one sip guinness is actually kind of respectable yeah mickey's is like in college it's how quickly and affordably can i get drunk that's right is

it like a natty light? Well, it's malt liquor. So that alcohol content's higher. Like think Colt 45. Oh, whoa. Yeah. I don't know what it is, but it's probably like 6% alcohol instead of four. So you can get pretty hammered for six bucks, which is a win. Everyone drinks Mickey's in the forties. Oh, they do have these cute little 12 ounce glass bottles. Anyways, enough about Mickey's. So

Although kind of on topic, grocery store. That's where you would buy Mickey's. Kenny, hit us with your grocery store story. Yes. So let me set the scene. This is my junior year of college when this takes place. I, at the time, am living in Glendora, California. So not too far. I know it by Azusa. Yep. So I was going to Azusa Pacific and I moved off campus and I moved to Glendora, which is just, you know, the next town over. And because I was living off campus now, I had a girlfriend. Things are going well. Like I wanted a job off campus.

So I got a job at a local grocery store. I'm the bagger. I'm the bottom of the totem pole. I'm cleaning trash bags, cleaning the meat room, just all the nasty stuff you do when you're 21 years old and you just need a job. This story takes place on a Saturday night. I had a night shift, so I was going to get off around 10 p.m. I had plans to go hang out with my girlfriend afterwards. I don't really remember anything from the shift. This all takes place immediately after I clocked out. So I

I see it's 10 o'clock. I walk over to the little clock out machine, punch in my numbers, and I start to head towards our break room to grab my stuff and head out. Side note, there's not two entrances. Some grocery stores have an entrance on either side of the store. This one just has one entrance right in the middle of the store.

Two very simple retractable glass doors. That's the only way to get in and out of the grocery store. Our break room is right next to the front entrance. So as I'm almost to that door, the retractable doors open and I see a man frantically running for his life sprinting into the store. Oh, wow. As he comes and just passes me like almost near brushes my shoulder, I'm about to say to him, stop.

to the degree of, excuse me, sir, no running in the store. I'm going to say something like that. Yeah. But as I'm about to let those words come out of my mouth, I noticed there's a cop chasing him. Oh,

Ooh, tasty. He runs past me and he gets to about the register, still running, when the cop enters the store. And now the cop is right next to me. This is all happening within three seconds. So I kind of turn and I look to see what the hell is going on. And as I look back to see what the guy's doing, he reaches in his waist and

pulls a gun no and immediately starts unloading at the cop and i oh oh okay like we need one second here talk about how quickly life can change in three seconds you're like very inconveniently standing next to the cop by accident oh my god i was headed out for the night gonna have a good night and within five seconds all hell has broken loose oh my god he's shooting at

At the cop, but I'm right next to the cop. So out of instinct, I think, I drop to the floor. Out of training, the cop does the same. So me and the cop hit the floor. Bullets are flying past us. They're hitting the glass retractable doors. So glass is going everywhere. The ceiling tiles are starting to come down because he's shooting so rapidly. The bullets are hitting some of the ceiling. And there are Doritos flying everywhere. Wow.

Because the cop and I are kind of hiding behind this Dorito chip display. Oh, my God. Nice end cap. That I just put together, yeah. So it was my handiwork that I kind of had this space to hide. But if memory serves me, Doritos aren't hard to shoot through. They're quite flimsy. Yeah, yeah. Not cold-cruised. No, no.

eventually there's a lull in the guy's shooting. As soon as that happens, the cop kind of pushes me down, jumps up, and the cop shoots back three or four times. Ooh.

As soon as those shots were let off, there was an eerie silence in the entire grocery store. So at that point, I looked to my right, remembered there's the break room. I got to get to some safety. So I scooted on my butt across the little walkway.

Somehow remembered the code and got into the break room to hide. Oh my Lord. So I get in the break room. I'm checking myself. I'm shaking. I'm freaked out, but I eventually realized I'm okay. I don't think I got hit by anything. There's no blood. I'm okay. I'm alive. The funniest thing is the first thing I did was call my girlfriend and be like, we can't hang out tonight.

I'm thinking I might be able to salvage that still at this point. Oh, you want to still hang? Yes, of course. Yeah. You're like, I'm going to be five minutes late. Yeah.

Something's come up. Don't worry, babe. But maybe you had the foresight to know like, oh, I'm going to be answering. I'm going to be filling out some forms. Yeah. So she's freaking out, but I'm just continuing to tell her like, you may not hear from me for a couple hours, but I'm alive. So I look back out into the little window back into the grocery store. Tons of other cops are running in now. So I got a bang on the door to tell them I'm in here. I'm putting my hands up through the little tiny window so they can see. They eventually find me.

They immediately pull me out of the door, pat me down, make sure I am who I say I am. And they pull me out and eventually take me off to the police station to answer all these questions. And that is where I found out that this guy was not actually trying to rob the room.

Yeah, he's panicked.

And if he's on a week-long thing, he might be on some kind of psychotic episode. Did the cop shoot him? Is that why there was silence? Did he hit his target? Yes, he did. I didn't see that. I was face down in the Dorito display hiding. So I'm thankful that I didn't...

I didn't really see what happened back behind me. Yeah. The craziest part is I know bullets were close to me. I know they were at me. I don't know how close. I don't know if he missed me by five feet or if he missed me by a millimeter. I have no clue to this day. Yeah. Did the cop get shot? No, actually neither of us got shot. So that's pretty crazy. So that was the first part of the story, which was my experience. I want to tell you about the second part of the story, which is somebody else's experience of this night. Yeah. So I...

I'm at the police station. There's a bunch of us there that night and we all have to give our statements. Can I ask really quick, how busy was that at 10 p.m. at that time? Were there like eight people in line? Was there two? Not too busy. There was about four of us staff and maybe 10 people in the store. So there's, you know, 15 of us there at the police station. They order us pizza. They say it's going to be a long night. Hang out, eat

Eat some pizza. We're going to get you one at a time. So during that time, we are all kind of telling each other our stories and just being there for each other. I see a man and his wife and there's two little kids with them. I don't recognize these people. I mean, at least spark up a conversation with them. The family didn't live in California. He was a professor and they were in Colorado. Azusa Pacific, my college, was wanting to interview him for a new job position. Oh, boy. Yeah.

Yeah, you see where this is going. His wife does not want to take this job. She tells me that night that she was freaked out because she had heard Los Angeles was dangerous. He had assured her Glendora, Azusa, pretty safe area. We're totally fine. So they decided they're going to take the interview anyways. They fly into Ontario airport and...

And on their way to the hotel, they decide, hey, let's stop and get some snacks before we get to the hotel. Oh my God. What a first impression. As they're pulling up into the parking lot to go into the room,

Three bullets hit the side of their car. Oh, my God. The strays exiting the grocery store. Exactly. Bang, bang, bang into the side of the car. Thankfully, didn't penetrate and hit them. It just kind of stuck in the side of the car. So they had to go to the police station and get their testimony as well. My guess is he did not take the job. About a month later, I see the cop. I see him at a restaurant.

I walk over to him. I'm like, hey, are you the guy that was in that shooting at and he immediately gets stiff and like, who's asking? So I tell him I was the kid on the floor with you and we hid behind the Doritos.

He immediately relaxes, gives me a big hug. We talked for a long time and I was able to thank him. He like, thanks for kind of saving my life there. So the other great way this story wraps up is that the next semester at college, I saw the professor and they took the job. No way! Oh my God, this guy must be a hell of a salesman.

Oh, my God. I hope they paid him triple to come there. If there's any omen to not take a job. If you're listening to the universe or you got to think about it the other way, the worst it already happened. Yeah, that's true. That's how I would look at it. Like, well, nothing bad could possibly happen statistically to us ever again. You're so lucky. I'm so glad that you're OK. That's a bonker story, Kenny.

That's a real Aaron Weekly story right there. Was a banger. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Literally and figuratively. Of course. Yeah. Well, where are you at now? I'm in Sacramento. So just up north from you guys. Sure, sure. Very safe area. Hopefully safer than Glendora. All right. Well, great meeting you, Kenny. Thank you for chatting. Good meeting you both as well. Thank you so much. All right. Take care.

I knew grocery stores were going to deliver. I did not expect it. We've got a shooting, a shitting. You don't ever think the ones I think are going to be good are going to be better than they are. Like Meat Cute? I ended up liking Meat Cute. And you liked cooking. Cookies.

Cookie boy. No, you're not. Don't make, you're not a cookie boy. I was the ultimate cookie boy when Nate and I lived together. You hate cookies. Nate and I were just together and we were telling Aaron and Eric how every single night when we lived together was cookie time. And we would get in front of the TV with our glasses of milk and we would eat Oreos and dunk them in our milk. And then we would do that until we were sick of those. And then we would switch to Chips Ahoy's for a few weeks. I already know about that. Oh, sorry. I bored you. Hello. Hi.

How are you? What name do you want to use? Let's go with Layla. Okay, Layla, where are you? Right now I'm in San Diego visiting my parents, but I live in Brooklyn normally. That checks out. You have an immediate Brooklyn vibe, I would say. Oh, I'm so honored. It's a compliment. Where does your grocery store story take place? This story takes place on the East Coast in the early 90s. Got to be a little bit vague about some things because you'll see. Okay.

It was around springtime, and my mom one day went to a grocery store that she had never been to before because she had coupons for liters of Pepsi for like

50 cents each. Got to go. Oh, yeah. And it was the 90s, right? Before we knew how bad soda is for you. So she goes to this store, grabs her Pepsis. And as she was checking out at the register, the young cashier woman starts talking kind of loudly to her coworker about her personal life. This gal was maybe 18 or 19 at the time.

And my mom is overhearing her saying, "Oh my God, I'm pregnant. I don't know what to do about it. I'm thinking maybe I should get an abortion." And out of nowhere, my mom just yells out, "No, don't do that. I'll take your baby." - Wait. - What? - Yes. - Wait. - Whoa. - Are you serious? - Wow. - I'm so serious. - Talk about an impulse buy at a grocery store. - At the checkout. At the checkout.

I went in to get some cheap Pepsi and I ended up with a kid. And by the way, of course she's doing it because when you are 18 and you found out you're pregnant, you cannot think about any other thing, no matter what you're doing. The house could be on fire. You're like, holy fuck, I'm pregnant. Exactly. Yeah. She was quite young.

To give you a little bit of context, my parents were not in the market for a new baby at that time. It's not like they were total strangers to adoption. They couldn't have their own biological kids. So actually, my sister and I were both adopted. At the time of this story, I was seven. My sister was five. And my parents were in their 40s. And they thought, our family is complete. And I also just want to add, this was not a religious thing. My mom was not, is not religious. This was not a pro-life thing at all. She's, in fact, very progressive. Wow, this is great.

I mean, truly an impulse. Like, I bet she felt like, oh, I'm hearing this for a reason. Exactly. She says that she was possessed almost. Something supernatural took a hold of her on that day. She said the words just kind of came tumbling out of her mouth before she even knew what she was saying. What was the reaction of this cashier? Cashier gal, obviously very stunned. But my mom was very calm after that. You know, she blurted this thing out and then just gave her her phone number and was like, call me if you ever want to talk about anything. Wow.

Wow.

And she could see that they were already raising two adopted kids successfully. And so one day she was like,

okay, let's do this. Oh, wow. And your mom still this whole time was like, yeah, I want this baby. It wasn't like she was like, oh, she didn't get buyer's remorse from the impulse buy. Didn't get buyer's remorse. My dad was totally on board. These are nice people. I know. So if Kristen comes home and says I adopted an unborn child at Gelson's, I'm going to feel like hold, hold, hold, hold. Well,

Well, it sounds like she may have done that with dogs before. Exactly. Although you already have all these dogs. Yes, yes. Anyway, so they got in touch with an adoption agency. Of course, they wanted to do it all by the books. And yeah, just a few months later, I have a very vivid memory of opening up the garage door, Mazda minivan rolling in with my brother in the car seat coming home the day that he was born. Oh, no.

Wow. Do you have any idea how the young woman's parents processed all this? I don't. I think it was still kept a secret. So here's the craziest thing about this story, actually. If you can believe it, it gets crazier. Our mom is Vietnamese. Dad is French.

The young cashier woman, Vietnamese, and her boyfriend at the time slash baby daddy is French. No way! That is crazy. I know. Isn't it wild? Kind of makes you believe in fate a little bit. Yes. Or the sin. And is your sister also Vietnamese? I can't say it correctly. No offense intended. Yes, we are both. It's kind of a wild story, but all because of some leaders of Pepsi. Yeah. I was trying to save 70 cents. And how old's your brother now? Yeah, that little baby's 32 now. Oh!

Oh my God. Has he ever sought to meet the woman in the grocery store? I don't believe so. Does he know the story? Oh, yes. We're all very aware of the story. And I know every time I tell it, I get the same exact reaction as you guys. Just what? What if Layla and her sister knew they were adopted, but he didn't? They're like, oh, he's a boy. He's too stupid. This is how he finds out. Or, I mean, I assume

he knew he was adopted, but in this fashion, I didn't know, but that's amazing. You're right. I love how you described it, Dax, of being like an impulse purchase. Like you get gum right at the top of the cash register. Yeah, exactly. The tic-tac's at the end of the register. Yeah, and maybe I will drink a Sprite Zero. What is this product?

That's a very beautiful story. It really is. Your parents are great. I think so, too. They did a good job. So they're 72 now? 73. And are there grandbabies in the mix? There are grandbabies. Aww.

I've got two nieces that I adore so much that I'm going to see later on today go swimming in their pool. Oh, wonderful. They're also two years apart, like your girls. And I just love seeing them interact at this young age of five and seven. They got sass. Yeah.

Yes, I live for the sass. Fun. Well, listen, Layla, this is a really important grocery store story for us to hear because the previous three have been horrific. So this is a beautiful, uplifting- This is a positive one. Those have been upsetting. Yes, and this is very life-affirming. Well, when I heard the prompt, I was like, it's my time to shut up. Yes, this is great. I'm so glad you wrote in. Thank you so much for having me. This is so much fun. Yeah, it was really nice meeting you. Good luck in Brooklyn. How long have you been in Brooklyn? I've been in Brooklyn for about-

Nine years. So I'm almost at my official New Yorker mark. I guess you don't need luck then. It already worked out for you. Yeah, I think so. All right. Well, take care. Thank you so much for telling us that. Bye-bye.

Wow, that was cool. I'm blown away by grocery store. I know you stand corrected. Now I just want to do like a convenience store, hardware store. Add those to the list, Rob. Well, definitely Home Depot's got to have some. Well, I shit my pants at Home Depot. I could tell that story. Well, those are great. I'm really happy everyone wrote in. Keep writing in. Keep submitting your stories. Keep at it. We'll talk soon. All right. Love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? No.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the Flyer Rhyme Dish. On the Flyer Rhyme Dish. Enjoy. Enjoy.