Armchair Anonymous: First Day/Lunchroom
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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. Ooh, this was a wide net we cast on this prompt. Yeah, it was kind of two prompts in one. Couldn't really pick, couldn't decide. So we said this could either be first day or lunchroom. Yeah, first day of school. And as I look at this...

It's a smattering of both. It is. Yeah. I'm glad we cast this wide net. It's kind of like mere neuron-y to think about first day of school or hear first day of school stories. Yes. Anytime you get invited over to a table, stakes are high. Stress. Really stressful.

I think this one's largely good-ish. There's some scary stuff and there's some body stuff. Again, just don't listen to this show if you're sensitive. It's not a good show for you. Okay, so please enjoy Crazy Lunchroom slash First Day Stories.

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Don't spray me. Have a hit. Hello. Hello. Would you want to see Monica take her first spray of nicotine ever in her life? Yes, I do. Good thing I can't be peer pressured because I want to make you happy, but I don't want to take a spray. I'm not going to lie. I feel very excited right now. I didn't think enough about my response there. It's kind of a trap for both of you, really. I'm the monster here. I actually wouldn't give her one.

So that's what's fun about this game. Monica, wanna feel better? Ew. You think that's the way? No, but he's a bad, he's a devil on your shoulder. Yeah. Let's get high. Okay, but then if I said yes? No, you can't have it. It's not good for you. I don't want you to get addicted to that. Would you take it if the robot offered it to you? I'd be more willing. Do you wanna feel better? Aw. Do you wanna have a spring in your step? Yeah, I'll do it. No, Monica! Ha ha ha!

Amazing. Before I tell you my story, can I just tell you like a very funny thing that your dad has been doing this week to us in The Sim? Yes, we'd love to hear it. Ashok's playful. Yeah, he's acting frisky. Yeah. Well, he's silly and it's Virgo season. Yes. So I live in New York and my boyfriend had to go to LA for work last week and it was his birthday on August 25th. Oh!

Oh my God. Laura's birthday. And day after mine. Yeah. He was like, do you want to come? Because he had meetings Friday and Monday. So he had to be there through the weekend. And I was like, of course, let's go. So we got to LA Thursday night. We're having a drink at the hotel bar. And the bartender says, have you been to Cara yet? I had been pronouncing it the Cara Hotel. Sure, sure, sure. Not knowing, just reading it. And immediately I was like, Cara, that's Monica Padman's favorite restaurant. She talks about it all the time. Wow.

And he said, oh my God, she's amazing. They love you, by the way. Oh, they're so sweet. She's so sweet. We love when she comes in. And he kind of looks at me and goes, you know, her birthday is this weekend. Oh, they gave you a little taste. Very subtle. They blew up my spot. So respectful, so professional. And so on Saturday, we had just had an amazing sushi dinner.

Shout out to Uchi, not a sponsor. That's Rob's favorite restaurant. You're so good. Wow. Danica, she goes, not a sponsor. I've never listened to this show before. Clearly. I think you can do it better than we can at this point. We have an amazing dinner. We come back Saturday night and I noticed that there's a little group sitting outside. And I asked the bartender, I said, is Monica there? He said, yes. I said, I'd love to send her a glass of wine. It's you. What? And I said, I think on a fact check or something earlier this week, I said,

An armchairie sent me a drink and it was you. Wait a minute. We didn't even know you were coming on Armchair Anonymous. I didn't either. I got the email Monday morning. Oh my God. I'm getting short circuity simmies. Yeah. This is like real intense. This is a 6.7 on the sim. Richter. The sichter. Ashokter. Oh, the Ashokter. And there's something about shocks in there that's like there's something. Yes.

And after a show, thank you so much for my drink. My pleasure. But it was just more like wild to wake up Monday morning and see the email. And I knew you didn't know, you know, I knew it was Emma. And then Dax tonight, I'm flying out for my only vacation of the year. Oh,

to Norway and Copenhagen. You're kidding! Oh, Ashok, you playful bastard. Really quick, you must have peeked out onto the little patio. Was I there? No, I think you had gone by that point because we had gotten back pretty late. I was then at my daughter's school's barbecue. So you probably got to see Monica in her shit-faced stage. Yeah, how

Who was I? Three deep with the teenies. Was she stumbling? I saw no stumbles. I mean, I'm not going to lie. Like, I, you know, didn't want to be weird. So we were having our own drinks, doing our own thing. But from the casual glances, you seem to be having a wonderful time. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. And I think you really carried those three martinis well. You might make a fight for the three martini rule. What?

Wow. What a great birthday gift, just hearing that. Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. Okay. First day slash lunchroom. Really wide net on this one. Yes. This is a lunchroom disaster story. Let's flash back. It's 2003. So I was born in 89. This is the beginning of ninth grade, but my middle school was a little strange because

our school district got so big that they still housed us in the middle school. So we were in ninth grade, but we were in the middle school until we got to high school. We got bumped up. We got to be the oldest in middle school, but we never got to be the youngest in high school. Oh, you got shortchanged a little bit. Well, no. You think that's good? I think she entered high school in 10th grade and they re-invited ninth graders. They did. So she started as a sophomore. I know, but there's something

What about being a freshman in high school? No, she got to rule the school. I don't know. I think that's kind of nice. Okay. We'll choose to look at a glass half full. Why not? We're all in a good mood. Ashok Durr is fire. He's 6.8.

So it's 2003. I grew up on Long Island, which is where the story takes place. And I kind of landed there with my family. My mom was a single working mom, so I was not some sort of normal Long Island kid. We lived in an apartment. I was kind of a weird theater kid. I was already trying to fit in at all times. They were wearing Abercrombie. I was wearing hand-me-downs. All the girls wore white eyeliner, which was just like not who I was, but I was a good chameleon. My trauma response was Stefan. So I was very good at fitting in. Not a sponsor. Yeah.

So it's beginning of ninth grade, early in the year. I had auditions for a musical that night, so I was super excited. And I got invited to sit with a new group of girls at lunch. So big deal. And I wanted to perform well. And so normally we would go through the snack line at lunch. That was very common where you would get

a soft pretzel and a big warm chocolate chip cookie and a Kiwi strawberry Snapple. And then we would eat the pretzel over the cookie so the salt would fall down onto it. Oh my God. Sounds delicious. Michelin star.

creating some real avant-garde lunches here. And so I just assumed that's what we were going to do. And they pivoted and they said, oh no, we go through the sandwich line, right? And so they're in their Abercrombie and their white eyeliner. I'm in my hand-me-downs, my chapstick. I'm like, we're going through the sandwich line. That's what I do with this group. So we get on the sandwich line. It's BLT day. So honestly, I was like, that's...

That's kind of dope. It was like a Kaiser roll, bacon, lettuce, tomato. There was tater tots. This school is fancy. I'm obviously getting a BLT and tater tots because that's what all of them are getting. They then get to the end of the line. And as a lunch person does in 2003, they are offering cartons of milk. And so all the popular girls take their chocolate milk. But I was a weird kid. I did not like chocolate milk or chocolate ice cream. I've gotten over that in my adulthood. I

Of course, I'm looking at them saying, okay, I guess I have to take a milk. That's what we do. So I took just a traditional little carton of milk, those little tiny ones. We exit the line and we go back to our table. And this is a pretty typical cafeteria with the long lunch tables. But instead of benches, there were like the little seats with the orange caps on them. So we sit down. I'm eating my BLT. They're all chowing down. I chow down on mine. Everything's going well. No one's noticed that I'm not wearing Abercrombie. I feel like I'm passing.

And they all open their chocolate milks and I say, great, I guess it's time to drink our milk now. So I open my milk and I take a big gulp and I immediately know that something is very wrong. Oh, no. Spoiled sour? Fuck. Not even just spoiled sour. It was completely curdled. Ew. Ew.

This happened. This is pretty frequent occurrence in the school lunch. When you crack that thing open, you take a whiff because it's a one in 10 shot. I do it now. I've never drank milk the same way. And I was really trying to like fit in. So I'm already like out of my element. So I take my big swig. It is now sitting in my mouth. But of course I'm like with all these cool

new girls and no way am I going to just hurl it all over my lunch tray or onto the table. And so I'm looking around and I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do to get out of the situation without them noticing. And I spot like a big rolling hefty garbage bin over in the corner. And I was like, I think I can make it. Can I ask you a quick detail question?

Because my first thought is pretend you're taking a second sip and then release it all back in. But are you telling me you're already in the process of throwing up? It was coming out. It was time to go. So I decided that I would sprint. I'm going to make it there. I will cover my mouth. I'll spit it in. Maybe no one will ever notice. So I make my mad dash. I run. And as I'm running, I feel like a horse.

horrifying searing pain in my knee, but I don't pay attention at the moment because I have to get to the trash can. Right. So I get there, I make it cover my mouth. I'm like keeping it into the trash can. The curdled milk is finally out of my mouth and I am safe. So I kind of like look back over. They don't seem to have noticed. I feel better. And then the searing pain returns and I look down and my entire leg is gushing blood. Oh,

What? And I look back and those little orange cap seats. Yeah. So the one next to me was missing. So all that was sitting there is just a metal plate. Strike two for this school district. They put all their money in the sandwiches and then forgot about everything else. I had this huge gash on my knee that's now just...

gushing blood. And obviously, like my cover is blown. I have to now go to the nurse. My sweet single mom who has to work all the time has to pick me up and take me to the doctor. And I don't get to finish my lunch with the cool girls. And then I get to the doctor and I'm recounting the story, obviously in tears. And I tell him about the milk and the metal plate and everything that happened. He goes, a metal plate.

This was metal that cut you? And I said, yeah. And he goes, oh, you need a tetanus shot. Yeah, we got to get that now. I don't know. Have either of you ever had a tetanus shot? Yeah. Dozens. They're painful. Yeah. And I was not a fan of needles. He gives me the shot. I now have this huge gash on my knee. I feel horribly embarrassed in front of all my new friends. And I couldn't audition for the musical that night because I had a bump knee. Oh, no.

This is a horrible day. Wow. A real disaster. Did you return to the popular table, though, the next day? Because my first thought is one of them should have said, if you had some Abercrombie jeans, that wouldn't happen. I agree. If I would have been dressed appropriately. They would have withstood that metal plate. You would have ripped your Abercrombies, but you'd be like, who cares? I'm rich like you guys. I have many more pairs. Actually, it's even cooler to have a rip. Yes, because who gives a shit? This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but ask yourself, it might be not

the right move to invite someone to your table because the pressure's too high. It's so rife for a disaster. Maybe just like, just skip it and let everyone stay where they were. No, that's horrible. But think of the pressure that Danica was under. She's fucking drinking milk she doesn't want to drink. The right thing to do is to just not put pressure. Is to be very kind when you invite the person and then be chatting and be very approachable and nice. Don't put on a cool air. You're Danica. I'm popular girl. I'm...

Sarah. Can I sit with you? We would love to have you. And I just want you to know, we already know that you don't have any good clothes. And we know that you don't have cool eyeliner.

So don't even worry about that or get in your head. That's not something we're going to judge you by. You guys are so nice. Thank you. I would love to sit with you. Also, you don't have to drink milk if you don't like milk. Really? Yeah. You can even order from the snack line and regroup with us at the table. Thank God, because I hate sandwiches and I really hate milk. Okay, great. You're going to do great.

Perfect. That was like immersion therapy. That was so healing. Thank you, Sarah. Thank you, Monica Danica. It's a lot of pressure, though. It is a lot of pressure. But look, these are the things that you have to learn early in life. Character builders. That's right. Well, Danica, this was a party. Thank you. And I'm sorry you had that bad day, but I think it's made you a better, stronger person. Thank you. Yeah, we all have hardships in life. And I just want to say really quickly before I go, I have been listening to you all.

pretty much from day one. And I went through a divorce in 2019 and I then went through COVID and you really got me through some hard times. So I just want to say a sincere thank you for doing the show and for your authenticity. Oh, thank you so much. That's very kind. Well, it'll certainly bump into you the way a show explained it. Yeah, we'll see you again. You know what to send me, right? I need to send you a Ted Seegers. Oh, boom, which they have at Cara. But actually send me a Diet Coke.

I was trying to do like a brand thing. I thought this whole thing was a brand thing. It was perfect. Not a sponsor, but a sponsor. An unpaid sponsor, Ted Seeger. All right. Take care. We are supported by BetterHelp. Spooky season has officially begun and we love it. It's happening. Already planning the hayride. You are. Adding a hamburger truck to the mix this year. Oh my gosh, excited.

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Teddy. Seegers? Hi. Are you Teddy? I am Teddy. What a cute name, Teddy. Thank you. Are you a Theodore? Is that what we start with? I am a Theodore. When you were in trouble, would either of your parents go, Theodore? Oh, but that's also Alvin and the Chipmunks too, right? Yeah, so you get that a lot.

Are you the second? Third. Oh, that's nice. Two older brothers. Oh, I meant, are you like a Theodore the second? Nope. And were you the most prone to like break your arm in a tree and stuff? You're a little bit crazy. Yeah, you're fearless. And your parents let you be fearless because they're like, we got the other two. They survived. Even if we lose this one, still good odds. We did above average. Yeah, we got the others. 66% success rate. Yeah.

Yeah, my brothers are eight and five years older than me, too. Okay, where are you from and where are you at? Okay, so I'm in San Diego. I'm in a dorm room currently. Nice. Because my wife runs a dorm on a college campus. She's an RA? She's an RD. Oh.

What's that mean? At the college that we're at, she runs a dorm and she oversees the RAs. So my wife and I and our two kids, we get to live on a college campus. Oh, that's rad. Wow, how fun. Yeah. Do you love it? Oh, yeah. It's such a unique experience, especially for our kids. We have a nine and seven-year-old.

and endless people to play with. You know, my son will be playing wiffle ball out front and he'll like recruit guys walking by to play in a wiffle ball game. My daughter will come back from the bathroom when we're at like the cafeteria or something and she'll be just chatting with a bunch of students. She's like, oh, I just met them when we were washing our hands. So I also work for the university, but in a project manager position. The story takes place in Boise, Idaho.

That's where I went to college. So this is a story about the first day of college. Oh, great. Perfect. This is 2003. It's a little town just outside of Boise where the small Christian college that I went to was. I could not wait to get to college.

Little to do with academics. Mostly, it was just going to be so social, nonstop, just having fun. I grew up in California. My parents drive me. We get there. Welcome week's happening. You're meeting people. Before the semester had even started, I'd emailed the student body president. I was like, hey, I want to be involved in social activities. This is why I'm coming to college. I

I'm just like in my element, meet a whole bunch of guys. And we had heard about this big grassy hill in Boise. At the top of this hill was the number one potato farmer in Idaho who sold his potatoes to the number one fast food restaurant. J.R. Simplot. Oh.

Here we go. Fuck, are you blown away right now? A little bit. Your reputation precedes you.

I knew the number one potato grower in Idaho. Big old mansion at the top of the hill. Pretty steep. One of the very popular things to do on this hill was ice block. Oh, fuck yeah. What's that? I don't know what that is. Ice blocking is like sledding, but in the summer. So you get a block of ice from any convenience store. You can either sit or lay down on it on your stomach and...

go down the grass. And especially as you go over and over in the ice, because there's a melt, you go faster and faster. This sounds great. So fun. So these guys that I just met fast friends, we were like, let's get a whole bunch of people. So we get a hundred freshmen. Oh my God. You're nuts. This is like a different level of loving socializing.

We're like, let's go ice blocking. Now it's Sunday night. We're there for a couple hours, just having a good time. A whole bunch of people line up and we're going to have a big race down. I used to like to go on my stomach because then you could kind of balance, turn.

And we're going. I think that I was in the lead. This is much debate even to this day between my friends and I. I think I was winning. But all of a sudden, something happens to the ice block. I crumble, roll over, and I am in immense pain. Not really sure what happened. I didn't think that I hit anything. And...

The pain is similar to getting kicked in the junk. Oh, okay. It's like making you nauseous? Deep abdomen pain. Yeah, yeah. I'm done ice blocking. Like I'm in enough pain like that, but I'm like, there's all these people here, so I'm going to hang out and we're still going to enjoy the experience. Another half an hour, 45 minutes goes by. Is the pain subsiding, staying consistent or increasing? Staying pretty consistent. Okay. And I'd say like,

a four to a five on the pain scale. It was kind of in a weird spot, like your lower abdomen kind of thing. Pile into the car. The gal's car that I was in, she was a local girl from Boise. So she's like, let's go on a downtown tour of Boise. We're driving around Boise. We see a pita pit. We stop at a pita pit. I walk in and I see the bathroom. I'm like, I'm going to try to go to the bathroom. Maybe that way.

- Are you guys drinking during all of this? - Yeah, you're drunk right now. - No. - Oh, wow. - Dry campus and everything. - Okay. - But look, you're having more fun. - Walk into the bathroom, try to go pee. That pain goes from a four to like a seven or eight, no pee comes out. - Oh. - And I'm just like, I have a problem. Walk out, tell the people I'm with, like, hey, I need to go back to the campus.

call my dad i'm like downplaying it to him i'm like hey i can't pee this is kind of what happened but i think i'm just gonna go back to campus you're trying not to worry him because they just dropped you off yeah they haven't even made it home yet oh god go home take eight ibuprofen wake up the next day pain is still the same and i'm like okay that's still not good but

But it's welcome week. There's tons of activities going on. Oh, no. People to meet. This is the extroverts dilemma. Yeah. So I just keep going throughout the day. My cousin, who was a year ahead of me, my dad called my cousin is like, can you please find Teddy and check on him? He worked in the athletics department. So he had talked to the head physical therapist there. And he's like, he's probably

probably go in. That's not a good sign. So he comes and find me, tells me what he thinks. And I'm like, okay, great. I'll go to the hospital after this next thing. By that time, it is Monday afternoon. You know, they weren't really sure what was going on. But the test that they give you to see if there's something wrong with the bladder is you get a catheter and then they have to fill it with some sort of fluid. And then they give you like a CAT scan or an ultrasound or something like that to see if

that liquid has seeped outside of the bladder. - So is it safe to say that they put a tube up your penis, your urethra, all the way to your bladder? Fuck. - My cousin is there holding my hand. Get the catheter in, they run the test.

Yep, I have a ruptured bladder from ice blocking. The ice block, when I'm riding it, had gone into a sprinkler hole. And so it went from being flat to at an angle and the corner of the ice block jabbed right into my abdomen, rupturing my bladder. Oh my God. And you didn't...

feel the actual puncture? No. I have a three to four inch incision right below my belly button where they went in and they repaired because the rupture was on the back side of the bladder and they wanted to repair it from the inside. So they cut me open, cut a hole in my bladder, repaired the rupture from the inside, then closed up bladder and then closed me up and I had 13, 14 staples. My parents had just got home. Yeah.

Turn around and come back. That was Monday. Classes started Tuesday.

Missed all that first week. My mom is going to my classes for me to pick up my syllabus. And we had your wing and you had to have like wing meetings and everything. Our first wing meeting was in my hospital room. Oh, Teddy. That's a way to start college. Yeah, that's memorable. For the next four years, I would meet people and be like, oh, you were the kid that ruptured his bladder. Yeah.

You're a legend. Crazy enough, the next year, there was like a high school group that was ice blocking on the hill. And a girl passed away from internal injury.

Stop. Issues. But like the same thing. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay. This is like climbing Everest. This is like climbing an evolutionary tail. Ice blocking's very dangerous. Still gonna do it, Monica. No, you're not. I'm just gonna wear something over my abdomen. No, you're not doing it. Some kind of a guard. It's so fun. I mean, I've not done since, so...

One of those guys that helped get all those other freshmen there with me is one of my best friends to this day. He and I love you guys so much, and he does not know that I'm doing this, so I cannot wait for Joel. Shout out, Joel. Shout out, Joel. His wife's going to film him listening to it for me. Oh, how sweet. I love this. Oh, wonderful. Oh, we love male friendships. We do. Oh, yeah.

is the best going on over 20 years teddy and joel for life for bff great meeting you thank you so much enjoy the rest of your day take care hello audio did not connect oh audio didn't connect oh so much pressure we need like a sign that we hold up this is it's okay it's okay there we go oh maybe connected

Can you hear us? Uh-oh. Oh, we got you. We got you. Is it Kayla? Yes, Kayla. Okay, Kayla, where are you? I am in the Lakes region of New Hampshire. Oh, the Lakes region. Would that include Winnipesaukee? Yeah, right near Winnipesaukee, right near the Laconia Bike Week. Ware's Beach? Yep.

Gets dangerous over there during bike week, doesn't it? Yeah. Most of us kind of hunker down if we're not involved in the biking. Yeah, I would maybe leave town that week. Yeah, yeah. Okay, does your first day or lunchroom story take place there? It actually takes place in...

the suburbs of Pennsylvania. It's funny because I'm a teacher now, but this is a story from when I was a kid. And so now I'm seeing all kinds of lunchroom and first day of school nonsense. So I was in fourth grade when this happened. This was around 2003, 2004 time. To set the scene in the cafeteria, we had long cafeteria bench style tables. And I was a big,

bring my lunch girls. So my mom would always pack my lunch. And that day she happened to pack me one of those snack packs of red Jell-O. I was sitting in the lunchroom. I'm chatting with my friends. We're laughing. I'm always laughing. And all of a sudden I'm

mid-spoonful of red jello and I just inhale the red jello and start choking. Jello down the wrong pipe. But it was such down the wrong pipe that there was no breathing at all. Like a legit choke. Oh my God. Like a legit choke. You never knew you could choke on red jello, but I somehow made it happen. I'm breathing in

All of a sudden, I can't breathe. My face is turning blue. Everyone at my table is just staring at me and not doing anything. And I'm going, I'll get help. Finally, one of my friends goes and gets the lunch lady and she comes over. She sees what's going on. She like kind of panics. And all of a sudden she just whistles to the whole cafeteria and goes, everybody quiet. And she gets everybody to be in silence. Everybody.

Everyone turns to look at me as I'm sitting there blue in the face. And all of a sudden, this lunch lady comes behind me and she's doing the Heimlich maneuver. I'm standing at the end of one of the long tables.

She's doing the Heimlich maneuver on me like a couple times. And all of a sudden, I just projectile vomit across the entire table while all these kids are watching me. This is my worst nightmare. I mean, this is the worst thing that could happen to anyone ever. Oh, my God. The whole class was watching. Oh, they're all watching. And I'm like, what?

And it's like, in silence, I just vomit. And of course, it's bright red. It's like, you can't miss it. It's like the ugliest thing in the world. The lunch lady is walking me out of the cafeteria in absolute silence. I felt like thirsty and Game of Thrones. So I get to the nurse's office. They're like, checking me out, see if I'm okay.

And they called my mom, obviously. And I'm sitting in there and my mom's there. And she says, well, so do you want to go home early? And I said, no, mom, I almost died back there. These kids need to make sure that I'm still alive. I need to go back and fill out my day. Oh, my God. You're so sweet. It's real civic responsibility.

Monica would have left for the day and never returned to the school. Literally, I'm transferring schools immediately and I'm removing this memory from my brain for all time. Maybe this even happened to you. It could have. I mean, it's got such a strong reaction. As soon as you said you were choking, Monica started writhing and squirming. Oh my God. You were so evolved to have thought about the death as opposed to the embarrassment. Yeah. Because I would have been like, I'd rather just die.

And you become a teacher, so it makes sense. You've always had a higher calling. You're given back. The worst part, too, is so I'm sitting in the nurse's office, my shirt is even covered in red. Oh. It couldn't have been a worse color, obviously.

And I just continued the rest of my day just wearing like a stained red shirt. Oh, my God. A throw up shirt. Why didn't they give you a better shirt? Yeah, I was just known throughout the rest of elementary school and the rest of middle school just as the girl who choked on red Jell-O. Were you known for almost dying or were you known for throwing up all over the table? Because I bet it's more the dying part. No, I think it was definitely the throwing up.

grow up yeah that's what sticks but did the fear level inoculate you from being tormented about it do people make fun of you because i feel like even at that age they might go like this is kind of off limits she almost died but people are so mean at that age like even if they do feel bad they probably all felt bad and scared but then they're like but i can't be near her i can't be friends with her because i'll be known as the friend of the jello girl infected yeah okay

an accomplice or guilty by association. How long before it was forgotten? Eventually people forgot. Probably middle school because where I went to school, middle school kind of was like eight schools combined into one. The sins of elementary get washed away by middle school sometimes. Right. Oh, man. Oh, well, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Did it permanently taint your appetite for red Jell-O? I did not eat it for a long time after this situation, but

I'm okay now, I think. Just smaller bites. Yes, scary. That's my Captain Morgan's. It's like once you yak on something, it's really hard to go back. Fireball in my adult life. What grade are you teaching? So I'm an art teacher, K-4. Okay. Oh, wonderful.

Boy, the cleanup I'm imagining K through four is rough. Oh, yeah. We have a lot of systems in place and things to get ourselves cleaned up and set up. Those rooms should be made waterproof with a huge drain in the center of it. And you just have a fire hose. And after they leave, you just fucking like pull a lever. Yeah, you definitely have to make friends with the custodians. That's for sure. Yeah. Well, lovely meeting you. Thanks for telling us that story. Yeah, you too. Thank you so much. All right. Take care.

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Hi, can you hear me? Yes, we've got you. Hi, how are you? Let me hit recording. Oh my God, sorry, I'm choking. Oh, I'm so nervous. No, don't worry. Please don't choke. We just heard a choking story. Yeah, weirdly enough, we're coming off of a choking story. Was this a cafeteria choking story? It was, yeah, as you might guess.

I had a red-eye flight last night, and so I was very nervous. West coast to east coast? I am with my boyfriend's family visiting his grandmother in Spain. Wow! So this is not my usual setup, which is why I am not following directions, Monica. I'm so sorry. I'm usually such a big rule follower. You're doing great. Where are you in Spain? Cadaqués. It's like a little town on the coast. It's right on the border of Spain and France. Ooh!

Where are you from originally? I'm from Connecticut, which is where my story takes place. Okay, great. Tell us the year. Tell us the grade. Yeah, for sure. So this is summer of 2012. My story starts like two weeks before school starts. There's a little bit of a

pre-story to the story. And I am going into my freshman year of high school, brand new high school, didn't know anybody. My older brother was two years older than me, but besides him, I maybe knew one other person. So like brand new situation and as a little bit of context, I'm

I was a kind of little geeky and nerdy in middle school. I was like super shy. I'm probably doing it right now when I get nervous or embarrassed. I like go beet red and everybody can tell. I live in this super, super small town. Everybody walks. Kids are bike riding. They're skateboarding. And I'm walking with my two best friends and we're walking to the small little town. I think we're going to go get ice cream and they're skateboarding.

I can't escape words, so I'm walking by them. And I kind of want to seem a little bit cool. I see my dad start to drive by in his car and he sort of slows down a little bit, like waving, but like not stopping. And I literally don't know why, but I thought it would be cool if I rode on the hood of his car into town. Oh, wow. That's a big swing. Yeah, but I can relate. Thought it would land, thought it was going to be super cool. However, I didn't tell him I was going to do this and I didn't tell my friends I was going to do this.

And I had never done this before. And so I did a little like hop up thinking I was going to land neatly on the hood of the car and like have this cool kind of like exit. I didn't really think about the fact that the hood of the car was going to be super hot and there's nothing to grip onto. And so it just kind of hit me and I fell off. Oh no. Think what he was thinking. You're,

Your dad. And you like him into hitting his own daughter with this car. Yeah. Worst case scenario, you forced onto him. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So I fall. I hit the ground pretty hard. And the way that my leg is laid out is it's under the car. And so now just been hit. Well, not hit, but like I jumped in front of the car.

basically. Like most times people say I got hit by a car, but in this case, a car got hit by you. The car then runs over my ankle because of the way I've fallen and hit the ground. And so I'm on the ground shaking because I'm in so much pain and my friends think I'm cracking up because that is also something I do is I like shake when I laugh.

And so they are cracking up. Like they're taking pictures. They're thinking it's the funniest thing in the world. Kind of a big win so far. You were hoping to impress them. They're loving it. I know. They think it's kind of funny. My dad does not. My dad is like out of the car. He's freaking out. I feel so bad for your dad right now. I cannot imagine seeing your daughter run in front of your car. I hate to tell you what would first cross my mind. That she was denting the hood of my car.

You can't fucking hop on the hood of a car. You're going to dent it. God. And then I'd be like, oh, shit, she fell. Oh, my God, I just ran over. You know, all that would then happen. But I think my first thought would be like, you can't jump on the hood of a car. You're going to collapse it. My thought was much darker than that. Okay. Okay.

Well, Monica, it does get worse for my dad. So he immediately gets me in the car. We're on the way to the hospital. We get to the hospital and like now it starts to get into like third party accounts. As soon as I get there, like I'm on morphine. I'm a little bit out of it. And I guess the way the car drove over my ankle was it was like right on the bone. And so since there's not a lot of skin, it like.

Just cleared the skin off my ankle and you can just see the bone sticking out. And it broke my little 14-year-old geeky ankle who thought she was going to be cool. And so my mom obviously runs, gets to the hospital as fast as she can. And they have like separated my dad and I because we're both in shock at this moment. And the way the story comes out is...

He ran over me. And so they're immediately like, oh, my God, what's happening? They're like, pull my mom aside for questioning. You really put him in a pickle here. That's the like prefront to the story, because you have to know then I'm on crutches for my first day of school. I'm in a boot. I've broken my ankle. I love that. That's not the story. Oh, my God.

It just gets worse because once again, this is like a common theme of me wanting to seem kind of cool, but not really being cool. And like, I get embarrassed quickly and I hate being embarrassed.

And so it is the first day and I walk in and I feel like most kids, me included, at some point wanted crutches in their life. Of course. It's a conversation starter. You get a little attention. People sign your cast. Exactly. All of that. But the thing that they don't realize is the first question people ask is like, what happened? How'd you break your leg? Gotta know. And so everybody's trying to meet each other. They want to ask questions.

questions. It's a really easy icebreaker. And so every single conversation starts with how'd you break your leg? What happened? And as I am doing now, my face got like bright red.

And I didn't want to say, like, my dad ran over me. So, like, it always kind of came out weirdly that I sort of jumped in. It was like a bad start to the day. Because the story makes no sense. Someone would go like, well, that can't be true what she just said. She leapt into her father's moving car. Red flag galore. It's a bad start to the first day of school. And then it is lunchtime. And...

I quickly realized I can't carry a tray because I'm on my crutches and I don't know anybody. And my brother, no way was he going to like help me out in this situation. He's like too cool. He's not being seen with his younger sister with crutches. Um,

And so I'm sort of like awkwardly hobbling around in my crutches. Finally, like a teacher pities me and like picks up my tray for me and walks with me to the stations to get the food, which is so embarrassing. You have a guardian. And then there is an all school assembly. And so that is in the auditorium, which is in a lower level of the school.

And so I've like started to chat with people. I'm in the middle of a conversation. All 400 kids in the high school have been called to this auditorium. I've already had a rough day. I don't want to draw more attention to myself. There is an elevator, but I think it would be more embarrassing to go take the elevator and like ask someone to come with me or leave the conversation than to just take the stairs with them.

And so it's week two on my crutches. I'm not great on them. And also you're just not supposed to go downstairs in crutches. It's like 400 people at once going down this flight of stairs. I'm maybe three steps down a full flight and I just eat shit. And I just fall down the entire flight of stairs. Oh, no.

Did you take anyone out with you while you were falling? I took like one kid out, but it was a more push to the side rather than a full down. And so everybody's like stopped basically. The girl who like threw herself in front of the car now just fell down the stairs. I put you on suicide watch at this point. That was the dark thing I was thinking earlier. If I was the dad, I'd be like, why'd you, you know, and then this again. Oh my God.

Once again, a teacher is the one to help me up. Everybody's sort of like looking at me and then I still have to go into this all school assembly.

Everybody's already seen me fall down the stairs. I'm about to cry. I'm having a horrible day and I'm hobbling in. And as I like walk into the auditorium, everybody just quiets a little bit. I can just feel everybody's eyes on me. The whole school just looking at me and being like, the girl who got run over by a car just fell down the flight of stairs and now she's hobbling in. Oh, no.

You're like a character in a movie at this point. Yeah. And like mean girls or something. Yeah. Yeah. The one that gets bullied and has the side storyline. Yeah. So we keep coming to as a runner. Oh, here she is on her crutches. What's she getting? Oh, she found a manhole cover. Listen, when you get nervous.

Your first thought should be whatever I think of next. That's off the table. That's what we've learned. God, the things we'll do to fit in. That is the theme of all of these. The power of our social nature. Exactly. And needing to fit in. You'll kill yourself to fit in. You will literally kill yourself.

It's so sad. Why can't we just be ourselves? I can look back now. And when I was telling some of my friends that didn't know this, I told them I was going to be on the show and they were like, oh my God, what's your story? They love armchair, especially one of my best friends, who was the girl that was laughing at me when I was falling. Her name is Brooke. So shout out. But my like recent friends, I had to tell this story again. And I so thought I had outgrown this like

awkward, embarrassing thing. And I was like, oh God, it comes back. It always comes back. Oh, it's still alive. We're just 10-year-olds, really, all of us. Yeah, if you were an addict, you'd come to love these. That is the weird thing about recovery is people end up loving these stories. They survive. That's so wonderful. I think because I have like the lore of a nerdy, geeky child, it still just sort of haunts me a little bit. Beginning of freshman year was pretty tough. I was able to make some friends and it wasn't always that bad.

Did you have orthodontia too? I didn't. That was the one thing I was really lucky. I do wear glasses. So I had like two out of the three. Do your glasses ever break during the movies? Yeah, do they fall off? Thank God, no. What if your dad would have floored it away? I know. He's like, fuck, the stakes are too high. They'll think I'm trying to kill my daughter. I gotta get out of here. Oh my God, your poor dad. There's nothing scarier than your child getting hurt. Yes. And they've willingly made themselves.

By your hand. Then they're questioning you. Oh, boy. Well, you survived it. I survived it. And my dad is so not the type to get mad over that. He was just so panicked and like so crushed and so scared. I feel so bad that that happened. And I put him through that. It was like even so much less about me. Was there any point when the dust settled? Like, I don't know, day two, you're home. You've got your cast where he says.

Claire, I was just curious. I wonder if we could chat. What happened? Why did you do that, my love? My sweetest little girl. What was the game plan? Why did that happen? Did he ever wonder what the fuck caused that? I think I tried to explain it, and I think he knew that I was embarrassed. I was trying to fit in, and I think he kind of swept that one under the rug, but it was a very clear like...

Hey, we got to think before we act in these situations. Okay. Yeah. Before we jump in front of moving cars. That's really cute. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that. Claire, that was lovely. Great meeting you. Yeah. Thanks for chatting. Thank you so much. It was so great to meet both of you. All right. Have a blast in Spain.

Wow. That was fun. That's cute. It is. Getting embarrassed when you're little is cute. It's just so human. Messiness of being human. Ding, ding, ding. You know the lunchroom, it is a ticking time bomb for disaster. It's a power K. And also, you know my whole thing, like I couldn't go through a lunchroom or a cafeteria at the mall with a tray.

Oh, you couldn't? No, I found that so... I just, I was like, that's drawing attention to yourself. That's embarrassing looking. No. That's embarrassing looking.

When you saw other people carrying a tray, were you like, oh my God, how humiliating? Or it was just you carrying a tray? I don't think I thought it about other people. I just felt so self-conscious holding it. Oh, wow. That I had to always go bag. Oh. It takes a lot of thought and effort to be cool. Well, that's the thing. That's counterintuitive. It takes no thought. That's what kind of makes you cool. That's right. All right. Love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the Flyer Rhyme Dish. On the Flyer Rhyme Dish. Enjoy. Enjoy.

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What's up, guys? It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season. And let me tell you, it's too good. And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay? Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation. And I don't mean just friends. I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox. The list goes on. And now I have my own YouTube channel.

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