Armchair Anonymous: Convenience Store
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Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Buckley and I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hi. Hi. Today is...

My dream retirement job, convenience store. You're hoping for some convenience store stories in your life. I went a little nuts in the wake of doing this episode. I didn't share this with you. But I started spending some real serious time thinking about getting a job part-time now. Okay. I just think what an experience it would be.

Let me ask you this. I don't think I'm big enough for this, but do you think if Brad Pitt worked at the 7-Eleven down the street, it would make the news? It would, right? Of course. Of course it would. I'm surprised Will Ferrell's never got a job at 7-Eleven. That's true. The other thing I've really thought about sincerely is starting to drive Uber once in a while. Okay. Just for fun. I just wonder if you'll ever be content.

Oh, no. Yeah. Probably not. Probably not. But this is part of my contentment fantasy life. Yeah. Here's why probably Will Ferrell hasn't done it. I think it's much harder than it looks.

Oh, it's certainly. I think it's hard work. But it's my kind of work, which is I like to work really fast and chaotically. That's why I like directing. That's why I like car shows. Stuff was happening. It was so on. Yeah. Jobs that are slow in plotting, the shift feels so long. Yeah, that's true. Those jobs, I'd way rather be slammed the whole time I'm working. I get that.

But alas, this episode isn't necessarily, although several people did work at a convenience store. And I'm looking over this list and I think it's pretty good. I think we're good. There's no animal cruelty and there's no duty and there's some sweetness. Yeah. Yeah. There's just a little murder. There's just a tiny bit of murder. A little bit of murder. A little bit of murder.

Which one was murdered? I'm just kidding. Oh, you're just kidding. I was like, wait, did we do? Okay. Please enjoy Crazy Convenience Store. We are supported by Audible. We know you love audio content. Thanks for listening to the show. But if your ears are craving more audio, Audible is the place to go. I probably, in truth, spend more time on Audible than any other place. Any other app? Yeah. I'm listening every night for an hour before bed.

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Hey! Hello! I love your background. Thank you so much. I stole the tapestry from my bedroom real quick. Thought I'd give us a nice background. Oh, my goodness.

I really love it. Where did you get that? So for the listener behind you is a six foot in diameter photo of a really cool deciduous tree in a forest. It's beautiful. Is that a photo you took? I wish. Honestly, it's an Amazon special. Oh my God. Well, we love Amazon because they're our bosses. That's right. We answer to Amazon now.

You know what's fun about your background is I feel like I'm talking to someone in Lord of the Rings. And I love that series so much. So thank you. That was the goal. Well, mission accomplished. And then the other thing I need to say is that Tara, the longest I lived on any street in my life, well, as a child, was Tara. No way.

- No way! - Oh yeah, in Oxford Acres. I have a very warm feeling about just hearing Terra. - Oh, I love that. - Did you ever live on a Monica Boulevard or a Dax Avenue? - You know what, I haven't, sadly. I do actually have a Terra street sign. I won't say how I acquired that, but I do have that and I'll probably keep it forever.

Cute. Tara's a rascal. She's like stealing signs. She lives under a tree. Yeah, she loves Lord of the Rings. She's got tattoos. Okay. You have a convenience store story. I do. So this happened about 10 years ago. Hold on. You're Canadian. I am. Yeah, we caught you. Look.

What gave it away? About you slid in a boat in there. I didn't hear it. I have to be honest. I caught it. I'm in a city called Peterborough, a couple hours outside of Toronto. Oh, okay, great. Sorry, convenient story. So basically, this was about 10 years ago, and it was early fall 2014. I was 19, turning 20 soon. And I was in a boat.

And I just moved out of the country into this town here. And I was going to college for the first time. And I was working part-time at this convenience store. It was a very small convenience store. It was tucked away on like a side street. So it was dead a lot of the time. I filled that dead space with reading any books that were lying around and reading the newspaper and sweeping the sidewalk. Was the bulk of the merch you were moving alcohol and cigarettes? Yes.

Is it that kind of convenience store? So up here, we don't sell alcohol in convenience stores, actually. It's only been in the past couple of years that grocery stores have just gotten alcohol. So it was mostly a ton of cigarettes, a ton of lotto tickets, the occasional, you know, like crackers, that sort of thing. I think it's America and Canada's only version of a red light district convenience stores. It's like come in here and gamble and get some cigarettes and some beer. It opens it up to a lot of stories. That's for sure.

So when it wasn't dead, we definitely did have a couple interesting characters that would come in and make things a little spicy and lively every now and then. And I'll give you just a couple short stories just to like set the tone of the randomness that would happen. So basically, we had a woman that lived across the street, and she was clearly a drug dealer. There would be cars coming and going. She would venture over across the street. She would walk around the store.

clearly under the influence and exchanging money all the time. She would meet interesting individuals right beside her building. That's when I would sweep the sidewalk and kind of see what's going down. And there was also the senior man who lived next door and he became like a grandpa to me. He was so sweet.

He would come over, we would read each other our horoscopes, the newspaper. He would come back at night and stand guard when I would close up shop, make sure I was safe and everything. It was so sweet. He probably wouldn't have been a ton of help in a situation, but his heart was really still there. We don't know his capabilities. We had a big heavy bar that we would put on the door to lock it up and he would always carry it for me and kind of struggle, but it was the sweetest thing. Oh my God.

I just imagine if I were you and he showed up to protect me, I would be thinking, this is so sweet. And actually, if there's a problem, now I have to protect him and myself. You only have to be faster than the slowest person, right? That's true. Leave him in the dust.

He'd want you to do that. Oh, he would. He was a sweetie for sure. And then there was also like this ex gang member who would bike around town all the time. And his full income was going to different convenience stores and buying very specific lotto scratch tickets in a very specific order.

And that was his full income. He made so much money. I know that myself alone, I would pay him out like hundreds of dollars a week. Really? He would get mad if we didn't have like a certain kind. He was definitely on to something. That's none of my business. I just paid the money and I was like, you go do your thing, sir. And it's actually funny because there was one point him and the elderly man actually got in a physical altercation. Everyone was okay.

But between the dead parts, there was some interesting moments for sure. I'm so jealous. It's like you were living in a Bukowski story. There was moments where I'm like, OK, where do I deadpan to the camera? Right. So this was one afternoon I was working and I noticed a truck pull up and this middle aged man gets out. He walks through the front door and walks right up to the counter. And I'm just standing there and I'm like, hey, how's it going? Like, how can I help you?

And I'm like, you want smokes? You want like lottery tickets? What's up? And he's just standing there frozen. He starts tearing up.

And I look at him and in that moment, I realized that it's my estranged father. Stop. Who I haven't seen in 10 years. Stop it. No. So shit hit the fan 10 years prior to that when I was like nine or 10. It ended kind of ugly, but I had not heard or seen from him since. Had he moved to another region? No, we were running around the same city and it took 10 years to run into each other. Oh.

Oh, it was an accident. Yes. He was crying because he was like in total shock. Oh, I thought he came to find you. Yes. I thought it was a repair mission. Me too. Okay. So he just stumbled into the wrong convenience store and saw his little girl he hadn't seen in 10 years. Oh my Lord. It was insane. So he's in shock. I'm in shock.

And I'll speak for myself, but you build up this story in your head where you're like, oh, if I see him, I'm going to cuss him out or I'm going to tell him how shitty he is for not being there. But next thing I know, I'm walking around the counter and I'm just giving him a hug. Aww. Aww.

Good, good, good. I was out of my body at that moment. We had about a five or so minute conversation. And what was that like? What were you guys saying? So I hadn't recognized him because for the first like nine or 10 years that I knew him, he had a really big, dark mustache. So when I asked, I was like, oh, what happened to, you know, the face? And he goes, oh, I got rid of it about five years ago. And I just chuckle and I go, oh, I wouldn't know. Yeah.

And then I honestly totally just went into breaking mode. I was like, I love my life. I'm doing so good. I'm going to college. I have my own apartment. And I did this all without you type of thing. And then honestly, it wasn't even that awkward. I just kind of sold him his smokes and he left. What? Did he say he was sorry? God, no. Oh, no. No.

I know. It was crazy. He left and my boss, who was normally never in the store, but she happened to be downstairs in that moment, she

She saw me give this random man a hug on the camera. So she comes up and she's like, is everything OK? And I'm like, oh, yeah, that was just my dad. I hadn't seen in 10 years. She just goes, oh, do you want to take a break? You should probably go outside for a couple of minutes. So it was so funny because I went outside and I called my mom and I was like, you would never believe who just walked into the store.

Mom's no, right? I don't know how she knew because we honestly never talked about him. We had come to terms with what happened 10 years ago, moved on, living our life. And she goes, oh, your dad. She just laughed. And the first thing she said, she goes, oh, how does he look? And I'm like, honestly, not great because I didn't even recognize him without the mustache. She's like, I always told him he looked way worse without that thing. Oh, wow.

Wow. Was that the only contact you had with them? So get this. After that moment, it was about a month or so later, and I had already quit the convenience store. Not because of that, but because I wanted to focus on college. And I was in one of my morning classes when I get a message. It was from a neighbor that I grew up with out in the country. And it goes, your dad just won the lottery. Stop. No. No. Are you kidding? No.

No, no, no, no, no. Are you lying? This is not real. Hold on. Let's wait till we hear what the lottery is. He bought it from you. He didn't buy it from me. Oh. Yeah. That would be too much. And it's not insane, but I actually sent over the little article and the photo. Oh, this is it. Basically, the guy won $100,000 on a $2 poker ticket. Oh, my God. I'm looking at a photo of him, and I'm trying to picture him with a mustache. And, of course, because I'm meeting him for the first time without a mustache, I'm like,

I'm having a hard time painting a mustache on there, but you're saying that's a big improvement. Oh, I didn't even recognize that guy. And then he got his photo in the paper for winning that. Is this what this is from the paper? Yeah. I don't know what the laws are down there, but it has to be public knowledge up here. It does? It does. So you have to get your photo taken and everything. Oh, wow. Why do you suppose that is? That feels dangerous. I want to say it's to make sure that someone won. Right.

Great proof. I wonder if anyone has won a nice little chunk and then they were on the lam. And so they were like, oh, you can keep it. They didn't want to get their photo taken. This feels a little unjust to me. That he was rewarded? Yeah. That's the thing about lottery, right? Very random. Actually, he sent his mother, my Grammy, who I've been in contact with this whole time, a little bit of money to send to my brother and I. I think we got $200 each. Oh, boy. Oh, my God.

It might have been a little bit more, but it definitely wasn't enough to be memorable. I don't want to say his name, so I'm going to call him Glenn. Oh, Glenn. We could have done better than that. We could have done a lot better. That's the thing. He had a chance and he made a decision and that's okay. I'm just bummed because I really thought that it was going to be a turning. Like he was going to be like, I can't believe I haven't seen you in 10 years. I'm so sorry. And let's build a relationship with your permission.

Totally. And especially since I saw him probably a month before that. So, you know, might be fresh on the brain. Like, oh, yeah, I do have these offspring. OK, you're going to hate this because I would hate this if you did this about my dad. Now I would like it because he's dead and I have a whole different feeling about him. But if you had told me this in my 20s, I would have had a hard time.

thinking of this, but not knowing what happened 10 years before, but imagining it was something that was traumatic enough and damaging enough that he split.

I think the human brain does something really unique to protect itself, which is obviously he was at fault, I'm guessing, in this situation. Yes. The weight of taking on that I just fucked up my whole life versus this woman did this many things and put me in a position where this was my only option. And then now she fucked up my chance to be with my kids. Like, I'm...

I think it's almost irresistible for the person who has fucked up their whole life to come up with some really elaborate version where they're only partly culpable, right? And then you have this story and you commit to it. It works for 10 years. And then you stumble upon your flesh and blood. And no matter what that story was, you start crying because the reality is it's heartbreaking that I haven't seen this beautiful little girl for the last...

10 years. But it was an opportunity at that moment. I hear what you're saying for the 10 year part because our brains do what we have to do. But that is the moment where life is literally giving you a second chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have the most compassion for you. Obviously. You deserved a dad.

And so did your brother. But I weirdly have compassion for anyone who flushes their life down the toilet. I don't want that life. Like if I got to pick whose life I got to live with on my shoulders, I'm picking yours over his. I don't think he won. Thank you. I really appreciate that. I've done the work and...

he's his own human going on his own journey and he made his choices. I just hope in the next round, he makes better choices. I believe in karmic. So I've kind of settled with that. And now that it's been 10 years later, like you said, it does, it hits you in the face. I didn't recognize him or even think of him until he started crying. Yeah. And then I was like, Oh,

And Tara, you even told us the beautiful part of you too, which is you have all this resentment. You have all this hatred. You have all these justified feelings.

And then you see the man who made you and you cry. Well, you hug him. It's so strong. And all this racket in our head we come up with. It's crazy how it can get cut through. I don't know. I just think that's really neat. It was incredible. It was an out-of-body experience. I'll never clearly forget about it. So when I heard this prompt, I was like, I have a crazy convenience store story. Wow.

That's wild. It's so much crazier that it was an accident. I was with you, Monica. I thought he had planned it. And then I thought, well, buddy, didn't you prepare a speech? You locked up the second you walked in. But also that would make sense to me, just being so overwhelmed by the face-to-face. Yeah, there's so much heartbreak in the world. There is. And you can choose to ruminate in it or take it for what it is and just hope that they make better decisions in the next round.

Do you want to go back to a convenience store? Because, you know, that's my fantasy. Retirement is working at a convenience store. I do miss it. I probably won't go back, but I can look back fondly at it. There was just so many characters. And like I said, it's basically a TV show where you just want to deadpan to a camera somewhere and be like, are you seeing what's going on? Yeah. If you're nosy, I'm nosy. You're just getting to like sniff into people's lives. It was crazy because that was 10 years ago. It's been 10 years almost to the day. So I don't know if we're due for another.

another. Oh, I may have to call back and let you know. So we'll see. Oh my God. Keep us updated. What if Glenn heard this and he did some reflecting and then he sent Grammy another $200. Oh my God. Oh, that would be wonderful.

I'd be eating good tonight. That's for sure. If he was like, you know what? You're right. I got that wrong. It should have been 400. I'm going to send Grammy another. Yeah. You know what? Let's run that back. And then in another 10 years, you'll get 600. Do you mind if I just give a quick shout out to my friend Sandra? She works at General Motors with me. We work overnight and Armchair Anonymous actually comes out every Friday at 5 a.m. And it's our last quarter of our last shift of the week. It really pulls us

through so we just love you guys and we get so excited to listen how fun i've never thought of people listening to our show on the night i love that it's the best well shout out sandra as a fellow former gm employee go get them yeah i gotta build those trucks man thank you guys so much take care wonderful meeting you rob can you uh

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Here comes Bart. Oh, Bart the Bear! We have a story about a convenience store in New Zealand. Maybe they ran out of coffee and donuts, his favorite. Yeah, he got really pissed they weren't serving coffee and whipped cream and donuts and he tore the store apart.

Hello. Is this Bart? This is Bart. Wonderful to meet you. You're the first non-bear Bart I've met. I don't meet a lot of me, that's for sure. Is it Bartholomew? Is that the origin name? Nope, it is just Bart. I have a brother named Brett. We're named after an old cowboy show, The Mavericks. Oh, fun. Your dad loved cowboy stuff? It was just a show I think my parents liked at the time, so those were the names we got. Ha ha ha ha ha.

And where are you at? I am in Binghamton, New York. We're about an hour south of Syracuse. And what's the convenience store vibe? Is it liquor and cigarettes? We don't have liquor in our stores. It's mostly beer, scratch-offs, and cigarettes, especially the store I was at. That's what we did mainly. We are second one, and that seems to be consistent with convenience stores. Scratch-offs, smokes, and beer. And back then, we did a lot of food, too, actually. We made pizzas and stuff that people were crazy for. Fried chicken and potato wedges? All that kind of stuff. Okay.

How long ago did this happen? This was 27 years ago, 1997. Monica's 10 years old when this happened. Well, I'll tell you how I got at the convenience store. I worked for a company that went out of business and my wife worked there too. So we both lost our jobs. I got home from the meeting where I was told I no longer had a job. My phone rang. As soon as I walked the door, a friend of mine says, hey, I just got this job.

as a supervisor for this chain of convenience stores and they're looking for guys. I said, well, as a matter of fact, I need a job. So I took the job and did it for a year. It was a long year and some interesting things happened. But the most interesting thing is what I'm going to tell you. Okay. So at the particular store I was at...

We had a huge construction company just up the road from us. And they constantly ordered pizzas and breakfast pizzas. And we were pretty busy with that stuff. So it was a Monday morning. I always had a guy who opened the store for me and I had to come in and count all the weekend money. I count and sort all the weekend money. And at this store, there wasn't really a back office. So it was just kind of a desk in a hallway because it was a very small place.

So I count the money, get the deposit all written up, and then I have to go to the bank. Can I ask you a quick question, Bart? How much cash did the place in 97 bring in on a whole weekend? Are we talking like five grand? As a matter of fact, it was about $5,600. That number has stuck in my head because of what happened here.

So I get everything counted and I'm sitting at my desk back there and I'm like, okay, I got to go to the bank. But then this order comes in for three breakfast pizzas. We had one little oven at this place. It wasn't unusual to get an order like that. But my guy who was running the front

just didn't have time to do this. And because we were busy, it was morning coffee, cigarettes, dip. Everybody's loading up for the day. I'm going to have to give him a hand making these pizzas. But this is where I did something very stupid. Instead of taking the weekend deposit that was all in the bag and taking it back and putting it in the safe...

and locking it up and going to make those pizzas. Where I was making the pizzas was about four feet from the alleyway to the office. So I said, I'm just going to throw up my desk drawer. No one can walk by me without me seeing them. It's this little tiny convenience store. It had a little

island in the middle. It was very small. We had a beer cooler that was the biggest part of the store. So I proceeded to start making these breakfast pizzas. I'm sorry, Bart, you're going to hate this and Monica will as well. But what is on a breakfast pizza? You keep saying breakfast pizza. Was there eggs on it or something? Yeah. Back then we didn't have like frozen eggs. We cracked eight eggs, scrambled them up, threw them on his pizza, sausage, bacon and cheese. Oh, wow. Kind of want this. That's a thing up here. Anyway, so

Out of the corner of my eye, I see this guy kind of walk around this little tiny island. Takes three laps around it and it caught my eye. I was like, what? That is weird. And then I go, oh shit, the money. So...

I step around the corner, look into the little office. I see the test drawer open and the bag gone. Wait, how do you get past you? Well, a lot of questions. How do you even know to go to... Well, I smell some insiders, but continue. I'll explain that to you when we get to the end because we discovered that after we watched all the cameras.

I go, oh shit. So I bolt for the door. At this point, he's out in the parking lot. This was in December and I just sprint after him and I grabbed him by, I think my left hand, grabbed his shoulder and spin him around. And I said, where's my goddamn money? You said fucking. Yes, I did. Yeah.

That didn't feel right. He made it goddamn for the sake of the listener just now. More for my kids. Okay. Okay. Your kids. They've heard me use it, but pretty rarely, but I'll use it again here later. So I spin the guy around and he puts his hands up. He said, I don't have your money. And when he did that, his jacket opened up and in the pocket in his jacket, I could see the bag. Oh my God. Okay. I reach in with my left hand to grab the bag and

I take a roundhouse and hit him in the face as hard as I can with my right. Oh, you cracked the money and cold cocked him. This is the dream. He went flying into the getaway truck that was there. Turned out his buddy didn't know this was going to happen. But anyways, he slams into the truck, falls to the ground, and I just grab the bag, unzip it, and just take a quick glance to see, okay, it's all in there. In the time that I do that, he gets in the truck and the truck squeals out of the parking lot. And

And they're gone. Did you look at the license plate? No. Yeah, it's more stressful than people think. Well, first of all, I know I did something completely asinine by leaving that money there. And my first thought was, I'm losing this job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was happy. I'm like, I got the money. I'm good. But I'm wound up, as you can imagine. So I go inside and Nick was my morning guy. I put the money in the safe. I said, Nick, call the cop. Tell him we got robbed. And I'm going after him. Oh, boy. Oh, my God.

Oh, no. At this point, I'm completely out of my mind. I had a Jeep Cherokee back then, but for some reason that day, I drove my wife's 91 Grand Am, and I just hop in that car, and I squeal out of the parking lot, and I'm driving around this neighborhood trying to find these guys.

I have no idea what I'm going to do if I do find him. You also don't have a cell phone at this era, right? In 97. Nope. I did not have a cell phone. So I'm driving around like a bad man around this neighborhood. So then I'm like, okay, I catch my breath. You got the money. Yes, they got away, but we got cameras. Hopefully they'll show this guy's face and the cops will be able to get him. Don't leave out. You punched the guy. This is great. Yes. It's funny. We were also getting a gas delivery that day and the truck driver was out there and

And he said to me afterwards, he goes, remind me to never piss you off. There's a main drag that I have to come out on to go back to the store. So I come out on the main drag and I look left, I look right, and I just plan on going back to the store. And all of a sudden I see the red Ford F-250 pickup truck coming down that main drag in the direction I was going. I don't even know how I remember what happened next, but I ripped that car off.

out in front of that truck, slid the thing sideways in front of his truck. And I stopped him. He missed my car by about two inches. He slammed on his brakes. It was really busy morning. So there was a bunch of cars that got behind him. So he was pinned in. I get out of my car.

I run around and this is where I know Hollywood's full of crap because I'm not a little guy. I hit that window of the passenger side of that truck, punched it with everything I had and my fist just bounced off of it.

Sure, sure, sure. In the movies, it would have went right through it. You know, and I could have dragged him out of the car. So I've lost it. And I take another crack at the window and the guy's got the door locked. He's freaking out. And right about that moment, I see a police officer come down behind me and one on the other side behind the truck. They pull their guns on these guys and he's going, get out of the car, get out of the car. And me, because I've lost it, I'm behind him going...

That's right, motherfucker. Get out of the car. Yeah, you're in space right now. The guy who took the money, he's in the truck and he goes, I will get out of the car if you get that maniac out of here. I'm not leaving this vehicle until you get him out of here. I'm bouncing behind the cop going, that's right. Get out of the car. I'm screaming and yelling. Another police officer came up behind me. It was a guy that I knew. So he's like, Bart, come with me. And he walks me back behind the whole scene.

And they get the guys out, handcuff them and put them in the car and stuff. And then I had to go back to the store. We closed the store for a couple hours. They have to do the whole thing there. And we saw in the video, you know, it was 1997. So it was VHS. He was actually standing in the walk-in beer cooler on cases of beer. And he could look into the office where I was at. And that's how he knew that I was counting money. Oh, wow.

So he was watching me the whole time. That's just an interesting hunch for him to even think like, you know what, I'm going to climb up these cases of beer and I'm going to spy in the office because I bet they're counting money. But maybe just seeing if there's money out. Or maybe he understood that on Monday mornings they're counting the money. Like it feels like there was some prerequisite knowledge of this. Maybe. That was probably what it was. I don't know if he knew somebody who had worked in a convenience store because, you know, Monday you have all the cash from Saturday and Sunday. They may do it different now. I don't know. But how do you

get past you we still don't know that part you could see him walk right by me and I have no idea how that didn't catch my eye he couldn't have been three feet from me so not only did he get past me into the office he got past me on the way out yeah yeah

You were trying to crack all those eggs and get them on that breakfast pizza. And Bart, you realize that the term breakfast pizza, which to you sounds completely standard, is as crazy as hearing breakfast spaghetti. It's not. I've been at restaurants with breakfast pizza. Okay, I stand corrected. Yeah, it's not as crazy. It's not as crazy as breakfast spaghetti? Definitely not. Okay. Well, people do eat breakfast spaghetti, so maybe not.

Did you ever find out whether that person got community service or went to jail? He actually got nine years in jail. Nine years? He was on probation for something else.

It feels like too much. I was very surprised, but I think he had done something pretty bad before that he was on probation for. I left that job about a month later. It's crazy to me that there are even criminals in small towns because exactly what just happened. He drives around town for a minute. Of course, he stumbles into the car. If that happened in L.A., you would never see the car again. There's just too many people. I got a phone call shortly after that from the owner of

of the company. And boy, did he give it to me pretty good. He goes, we have insurance for that idiot. You can just let them go. We can't replace you, but we got insurance for the cash. That's nice of him. Well, also you can imagine a scenario where he didn't get the 5,600, but he sued them for getting punched and got 20 grand. Yeah. Today's world, it might be a little different for, um,

90% of people, this story will sound crazy and like, why on earth would you be putting yourself in all these situations? So then my question to you without any details is, did you have some trauma in your childhood? No.

This might go back to, I worked for a grocery store for a long time. There was this whole atmosphere there about not letting people steal from us. So we did this shoplifting stuff. We went after people, would throw people down on sidewalks. Oh, wow. Tackle people for taking two packs of cigarettes and stuff, chase people out in the parking lot. It just became a thing. And I don't know if that kicked in. Yeah.

Yeah, I think so. It was just embedded in your bones. It was like the line of work involved tackling anyone. I think I just felt so violated. Again, the thought of losing my job at that point was probably a big part of it too. Yeah, well, that's why I was guessing trauma just because the reason that response makes sense if you've been really taking advantage of these other things which are

or adjacent to it, you read them as I'm now going to get taken advantage of in a way that makes you irrational. I can totally see that. I mean, I grew up with four brothers and we used to beat the living crap out of each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get desensitized. Well, Bart, that was a great story. I'm super jealous, to be honest. I'm so glad to meet you guys. I listen to you every week. And my wife is not a big podcast, but she loves Armchair Anonymous. So she listens to it with me every week. Oh.

Wonderful. Well, what's her name? Let us shout her out. Tina. We love you, Tina. Thank you for listening. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that story. I haven't been able to sleep for two nights, so now I'll be able to sleep tonight after talking to you. All right. Well, get a good night rest. It was a blast meeting you, Barb. Take care. Bye.

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How are you, Allie? Good. Oh my gosh, you guys are real people. But are we? Maybe you'll be discovered in this that we're not.

TBD. Are you a podcaster? I started one during the pandemic, but only did like 10 episodes and haven't gotten back into it yet. But still have the gear clearly. Yeah. Okay. Well, we appreciate it. It comes in handy here. Yeah. Sounds great. Where are you at? I can see some stuff, different shades of blue behind you with an interesting escape ladder. I'm in my office and it's kind of like an industrial area. So just a very old building behind us, but

I'm located in Seattle, Washington. Oh, wonderful. We love Seattle, Washington. Funny enough, many of my best convenience store memories are from Capitol Hill. Oh, do you have a favorite? Well, there was a particular place that sold a lot of fried chicken and potato wedges. And then a friend of mine, Jeff, and I would go in there drunk five minutes before they close. And we would barter with them and get like a full bucket of chicken and way too many French fries for like a dollar and a quarter because they were going to throw it all away. That's a good party spot.

Yes. Where does your story take place? In Portland, Oregon-ish. Okay, wonderful. Familiar with the area. To set the scene,

I was around nine years old and I'm one of six kids. There were five at the time of the story. So I come from a big family. I'll say. Because of that, we never got to do many big vacations, but it was my mom's dream to drive an RV somewhere. And so we drove an RV from our home, which was near Tacoma, Washington, down to Southern California, saw the Redwoods. And on the way home in Portland, Oregon, we stopped at a gas station.

to get gas. The RV type that we were driving was like the kind with the bed above the cab. Yep. C-class motorhome. I loved hanging out up there and we

We were not safe. And so we all just hung out wherever we wanted in the RV, no seatbelts on while we were driving. So that was my favorite place to hang. And so when we stopped at the gas station, my mom was like, okay, who needs to go to the bathroom? And everyone was like, I do, I do. So everyone went out and I said, no, I think I'm fine. I'll just stay here. And at the very last minute, I said, actually, I think I am going to go, mom. I'll be back.

So I get out, go to the bathroom, like around the side of the building. You know how they're kind of on the outside. I know where the story's going and I'm so excited about it. I'll bet you can guess. Do you want to try or do you want to wait for it? Monica hates it. He's not allowed. It's not the point of this. You can tell me if you were right after. So I come out of the bathroom. Motorhome is hard to miss.

It was not there. Classic home alone. Yes, home alone. Oh my God. I'm only nine. And so I'm kind of like, okay, maybe they just pulled around, like moved out of the gas spot, pulled into a parking space. So I walk all the way around the building, no RV to be found. There's a Walmart across the street. So I was like, well, maybe they just ran to Walmart and they're going to come back and get me. Oh, this is great. This is a nine-year-old thinking. So as I'm standing out front and I'm kind of like,

okay, well, what's my game plan? Yeah. One of the gas station staff comes out and she was like, was your family in the RV? And I said, yeah. And she was like, they left. Oh my God. Which was obvious at this point, but also she confirmed and I was like, oh, okay. Oh my God. She goes,

do you know where they went? And I said, no, I just went to the bathroom and then I came out and they weren't here. And she's like, we'll try and figure it out. This was pre cell phones. Cause it was around 1999. My dad had just gotten a cell phone. I didn't know his number. You don't call people in the car. That's not what it's for. She said, well, do you have any family in the area? And I said, well, my aunt lives in Florence, Oregon, which is

like a two or three hour drive from Portland. She said, well, do you want to call her? So we looked her up in the phone book. Oh my God. But the gas station didn't have long distance calling. So someone who had just come to get gas, he said, well, you can use my cell phone to call. And so I used his cell phone and I sat on a stool outside of the convenience store. Were you crying? I mean, were you so worried?

I don't remember crying. I was just kind of like, okay, I'm nervous and I don't know what's going to happen. But the people at the gas station felt safe. It was two women. I didn't feel like I was in danger. It was just like, I don't know how long I'm going to be here. I don't know when my parents are going to come back. I want to make a social psychological observation. I think it's a little intuitive about like, like...

panicking and crying is almost a luxury. It's something you can do when someone else is on the scene to handle it. But when you really know it's just you, there's actually no room for that. In fact, we were just listening to someone who was in an airplane crash where it actually crashed. And they said, it's just dead quiet. They were really kind to each other. And that's the reality of that situation. I just think if you can cry, you will. And then sometimes you can't because you got to handle your shit. Yeah. It's kind of like,

survival mode, just, okay, well, we just have to figure out what to do because no one else can figure it out for me. You know it's not going to help. Maybe my parents would say I cried. I just don't remember crying. And so I sat there on the stool for 45 minutes while this guy just let me use his cell phone, called my aunt,

Her name is Paula. She was like my favorite aunt at the time. Sorry to all my other aunts, but she was so silly. And she just kept me on the phone telling me stories about old ladies having accidents in the bathroom, like anything to make me laugh while I'm waiting. Because I was just like, well, I'm just going to wait for my parents to come back.

So finally the guy was like, okay, I kind of have to have my phone back. So $600 later. Yeah, I know. I don't know what that cost him. So she just said, well, I'm three hours away, but if they don't come back soon, call me back and I'll come get you. And I said, okay, hang up. You

go inside. And meanwhile, I'm just with the gas station staff. So she said, well, do you want to help me stock the shelves? And I was like, yeah. Oh my God, free labor. I know. So we go to the back and we're like stocking and I love organizing. So it was actually kind of fun. I'm like,

Ooh, this is so cool. Like seeing the back of a gas station. So I'm helping her. She offers me free pizza and soda and stuff, which I didn't have. But finally a sheriff comes, which thinking about it now, that took a long time. And he comes in and news vans had come in outside. Oh my God. Parked in the parking lot. What news vans? They had heard it, I think on the police something. Oh my God.

They're outside, but he's like, I'm not going to let them in here. So he's asking me a bunch of questions and he said, where are they going? And I said, well, they're going to Seattle, which is three hours away and they just got gas. So they probably don't have to stop again. Oh my God. That's what I'm thinking. It's going to take them hours before they realize. How could, no, no, no, no. You don't see the people that are in that little cubby above. And there's five kids. And my grandpa was there. So there's just like a lot of people in there. But also more people for one to say, hey,

Where's Allie? You'd think one person would be like, I want to play. Where is she? Yeah. Finally, I see the RV drive in. I think it was an hour and a half later. So from my parents' perspective, what happened on their end...

was they all got in the car. My mom didn't remember me telling her, oh, actually I am going to go to the bathroom. So they just thought, okay, Allie's already in here. Everyone get in. And we never checked like, okay, how many people do we have? They said that they ended up stopping at a rest area 45 minutes down the road or an hour or something. And everyone got out and they were like,

well, where's Allie? And funny also side note about me is that I used to really like to hide places. So I think that they just thought I was hiding in the RV or like it was normal for me not to be around everybody. And so they're like, Allie, you need to come out. And then when they realized I actually was not hiding and I wasn't anywhere to be found, they thought, oh my gosh, she must be at the gas station. Oh my God. The panic you'd feel on that hour drive back. Oh my God. This

This was also before Google Maps. Oh, yeah. They don't even know where they stop. They had to remember what exit they got off of because they weren't paying attention. Oh, my God. Yeah.

My dad said that he was going like 90 miles an hour. He said he even passed a cop hoping to get their attention so that he could like get pulled over and they could escort him or call or something. But no one pulled him over. He just flew as fast as he could. They found the exit. They pulled in past the news vans. My dad walks in and he's got to talk to the sheriff. And the sheriff definitely asked him questions of like...

what happened? But it wasn't that big of a deal. We didn't stay very long. But my dad said, I do not want the news recording us walking out to my car. I don't remember if they did or didn't, but we had to walk back out to the RV and I step inside and I was kind of sheepish and like, I didn't like all the attention on me anyways. We hadn't even pulled out of the parking lot. The first thing my dad says is,

we're going to laugh about this one day. And my mom was like, Dave, we are never laughing about this. Textbook dad thing to say. Textbook dad, textbook mom. Pretend nothing bad happened. Yeah. And my older brother, he didn't even say, oh my gosh, I'm so glad you're okay. He was like, so did they give you any free food? And I said, well, they offered it to me, but I didn't want any. He was just shocked that I would say no to free food. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Scary. If I were the cop, I would have had intentions and a game plan to ask the parents, you know, try to figure out if they did this on purpose. And then when I saw four kids, two adults, and a grandpa get out of the RV, I'd be like, oh, obviously. There's way too many fucking people. This was a mix-up. Yeah.

Pretty self-explanatory about how easy it is to lose someone. Sort of side note is my dad had happened to know one of the news anchors for that area. So he called him up and he said, can you please not air this on the news? I do not want it to show that I left my daughter at a gas station. This almost sounds like a children's book.

Doesn't it? Like a little girl who gets a lot and then she makes friends and she gets a job. I mean, you got a job. You connected with old relatives. You had a whole life in that hour and a half. Put it on my resume. Worked at a convenience store for 30 minutes. It is also so telling of the time, how hard it was without cell phones. Because even the aunt, for me, it's like, well, the aunt should have immediately just hopped in the car and started heading your way until she got told. But she couldn't get told.

Right. So she did have to sort of wait and see. She would have got there and then hope someone there explained what happened if she wasn't there. Right. It does make you wonder how we did. How did we do anything? But guess what? We just did everything. That's the funny thing is it seems like impossible, but it didn't matter at all. I know. Well, it was great meeting you, Allie. Yeah, you too. I'm glad they found you. I really appreciate it. Yeah, me too. Your dad was right. He ultimately was right. We're laughing about it today. That's true. He was right. All right. Take care. Bye.

Hi. Hello. How's it going? Wonderful. What kind of fake name are you in the market for? Do you have one picked out? Well, let me ask you this. So all my friends listen to this, but I'm just not big on podcasts. I've never actually listened to this. Oh, okay. How big is this? How big are we talking? Very tiny. Just the three of us will probably listen to this episode. No, let's give you a fake name. Let's do the right thing. I feel like that's probably the move. Let's go with Corbin.

Okay, great. That actually looks right. Yeah, if you would introduce yourself as Corbin, that would make total sense to me. It's close. Okay, Corbin. All right, Corbin, where are you? You have kind of a southern drawl. Let's start there. In Orlando right now, but currently I work. Is this story going to potentially get you fired? I guess that's another question.

Maybe the time away from work. Okay. We won't keep you long. We'll get you arrested for whatever the story is and fired. Yeah, that's the dream outcome. All right, Corbin, what happened? Where was this convenience store at in the country? This store is actually in Orlando where I'm from. Uh,

I moved back after college, found a pretty solid community of people in Orlando and found some guy friends that we all found a duplex to live in. So we had like eight guys in two homes that were attached. And it was in College Park. Generally speaking, College Park is a pretty nice area. However, we were on the far south end of College Park, which isn't as nice. We kind of...

failed to realize that where we were looking on the other side is the back end of a 7-Eleven, which is also on Paramore, which is one of the more dangerous streets in Orlando. Okay, great. Didn't bother us. House was awesome. But the only thing separating us from this gas station is a fence that has pretty large holes that multiple humans could walk through at any point. Of course, I'm there every day. I'm walking there for breakfasts.

for breakfast, getting coffee, you know, if I need toothpaste, it's right there. It's in our backyard pretty much. Yeah, very convenient. You almost have a convenience store in your house. I would love this. So in turn, started to build relationships with these employees. Sharonda was the cashier. She was the sweetest old lady.

lady that kind of took me under her wing. I would go to get coffee in the morning and just in turn start asking her life advice. And she's a super sweet lady. You got Donald working the mops. She needs restocking the items. So one day I go to this gas station at 7-Eleven and I go in and Donald's like, hey, I need you to follow me to the back room real quick. Oh. Immediately I'm like, well, I don't know. I mean, that feels...

a little unnecessary. Like, can we talk out here? I don't know why we need to go to the back room for this. Yeah, yeah. Feels against the rules. But of course, say yes, because they're like family at this point. So go in the back room. He hands me a slip of paper. It's got a number on it. He goes, I need you to call Shanice. She needs to talk to you. Still don't know why we're in the back room. Not totally sure why she can't talk to me in person. Anyways, go back.

I called my buddy, Tony. He's one of the only friends that was comfortable showing up to this gas station with me all the time. I'm like, you know, Shanice, she wants to talk on the phone for some reason. What could that be? He's like, I don't know, but I feel like we should probably just call right now and you can just leave me on mute.

So three-way call. He's listening in to the whole thing. She picks up. Shanice is clearly nervous. I'm like, hey, is this like Shanice from 7-Eleven? Yeah, it is. I just had a question for you. I don't really know how to put this, but I love your dimples.

And I'm like, okay. I appreciate it. Thank you for saying that. In my mind, I'm like, I don't know where this is going right now. You do have cute dimples. You do, you do. Yeah, they're pretty cute. She had a point. Thank you. She's on firm ground with this observation. So I'm like, you're not calling me to tell me that. You like my dimples. Like, what's going on? Shoot me straight. And she's like, well, I really like your dimples. So does my girlfriend. What?

want to have a child with your dimples oh not one oh oh my god i thought a three-way was gonna be offered which would be great news and your buddy's listening which is great but no she wants a sperm donor yeah but also didn't really want to pay for it so it was kind of like old-fashioned yeah oh

Proceeds to walk me through it. You don't have to be involved if you don't want to. We could finesse it in the way that you're the uncle that shows up to the games. Oh, oh, that sounds like you do need to be involved. Yeah, actually, it sounds like you're having a child now. Exactly. She also was like 6'6". Whoa! She's a lot taller than me. I'm about 6 foot. Maybe she's trying to water it down a little bit. I can feel my buddy laughing on the phone on mute. And I'm like, hey, look, I...

I am honored. Thank you for asking me that. I just need a couple of days to maybe process and get back to you. So she's like, all right, totally understand. I get off. I'm like, what just happened? I try to be as generous and kind as possible, just in general. So

Kind of leads to me being like, is this like something that I'm supposed to do? These loving women, they need this firm. Support this couple. Oh, wow. Do I need to give them my seat? Is that the right thing to do here? Sure. You're going to see a preacher about this. Exactly. So immediately start calling them.

My family, I'm like, I don't know, this is crazy. They all immediately are like, hey, this is probably the worst idea I've ever heard in my life. You know what I'm learning about you, though, in this short story? What I like about you is you immediately reach out for advice. You called your buddy, hey, this gal wants to talk to me. What do you think I should do? Call her. Okay, great. Tell the family. They're like, no. I think that's probably because I'm also in the story making a lot of bad decisions. I need a lot of advice. Yeah.

Everyone's like, don't do that. No shot. Why would you even think about that? Okay, fair. I got to figure out what I'm supposed to say to Shanice.

I recruit my sisters and I'm like, hey, I don't even know how to send this text. Can you help me draft this novel? Eventually send out very respectful texts, letting her know like, hey, I don't think that I want to raise a family with you. I'm not probably ready for that, but no hard feelings. So

That's that. I'm just a little bit like, I can't believe that I was put in that position in the first place. Like I'm confused on, on how it got there. Well, did you, well, a, did they respond? B also, if I were you, what I'd really be bummed about is like, I don't think I can go to the seven 11 anymore.

Yeah. No, that was my first thought. I was like, I really enjoy this 7-Eleven. I got to get out of town now. She actually quit. So she wasn't there anymore. My full novel that I wrote out, her response was, okay. Probably already asking new people. She didn't love the dimples that much. Well, I was going to say, what if it's an okay. And by the way, your dimples are just fine. Yeah. Average dimples. I think my favorite part of the story is she called Donald. She's like, listen,

When that boy with the dimples comes in, you got to get him in the back. I mean, the fact that he had to get incorporated into this whole plot. She probably told everyone at the gas station just in case, because if she missed you, like whoever was going to see you first.

Needed to get that number right to you. Not sure the thought process on it, but she's actually here today with my son. With my beautiful son. No, but I did just recently get married and that was a big talk at the rehearsal dinners. A lot of stories about Shanice. That is so funny. Well, that's great and flattering. That is flattering.

I don't know if that's the term, but something like that. That's never happened to me. Corbin, that was great. Yeah, thanks for sharing that. That was really good. I like your vibe. I like that you want to get in that gas station, just mill about, meet everyone, be friendly. You got good snacks in there. Good folks, good snacks. Yeah, of course. All right, man. Well, that was awesome. And rest assured, no one will hear this. Appreciate that. Just us three. Yeah. All right. Take care, brother. Have a good one. Bye.

Well, he had that super charming Southern. Yeah, very charming. I get what Shanice... I get it. Yeah, you should have hit him with that. He's married now. But you just want to sperm. I can't do that to his wife. Yeah, yeah.

Because I also would want the old-fashioned way. All right. Love you. That was great. That was fun. Those were wacky. Those are also, you know what? Tell me. It was convenience store stories, but it was also bad family stories.

Yeah, it was. It could have been called an inconvenient story. You've been waiting to say that. No, it just came up. It just literally popped in. I was more working on convenient story at first. Yeah, I get that. But now that I've added into it, I feel like, boom. Reverfined it. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. No.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rhyme-ish. On the fly, I rhyme-ish. Enjoy. Enjoy.

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What's up, guys? It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season. And let me tell you, it's too good. And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay? Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation. And I don't mean just friends. I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox. The list goes on. And now I have my own YouTube channel.

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