#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchclay! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their life? Yippee!

Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. And how about a hand for the best damn band in the land, live in the flesh. Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez.

Nachos, Bel Grande, the great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this is D-Madness live in the flesh right here, right now. Very exciting stuff planned for tonight. How do we feel? You guys happy? Before we get into it, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

Come on, are you guys with us? Are you guys ready for the best damn show? Brought to you by Game Time, this is Keltoni. Tonight's guests, two of my favorite human beings. One of the greatest guests in the history of the show, the other guy, it is his first time on panel. This is a perfect chemistry match as I bring to you a couple of my favorite comedians, a couple of my favorite dogs.

Make some fucking noise for the great Matt McCusker and La Mer. Oh, yeah, baby. Fuck yeah. Matt McCusker. The debut of La Mer. He's already sweating fucking bullets. Look at this guy. Holy shit. Oh, my God. There it goes. Whoa.

Oh my goodness. Hoodie off. The forehead is soaked. Lemaire, welcome to the Kill Tony universe. Well, thank you for having me, Tony. I came here to black out and hear jokes.

I love it. I love it. Let's do it all together, Matt McCusker. That was such a nice nerd spaz coming right out. Matt McCusker's on tour, mattmccusker.com. Of course, he is one half of Matt and Shane's secret pod, what very may well be the greatest podcast ever.

Not shot in front of a live audience. La Mer has the panties in the mouth pod. I have only heard of this tonight while asking him if he has a podcast. It is the panties in the mouth pod. Am I saying that right? Yes, sir. We're perverts.

Well, lemarelee.fun is his website. For those of you looking for the cheapest URL in the history of websites, lemarelee, L-E-M-A-I-R-E, Lee, and when it couldn't get any cheaper, .fun.

lamarilee.com blatantly available for only what I would guess is $29 more but he went with dot fun and got some extra chicken nuggets that day is my guess any kind of nuggets I don't know why I had to make them chicken

Anyway, Matt McCusker and LaMare, 248 human beings signed up to be on this show. They are wrangled in a bar across the street right now. Absolutely. Oh, one went up my sleeve. Look at that. Here you go. Guy with the American flag hat. You want to pick the first name?

Very exciting. Anything can happen. The first name has been picked and we're going to go wrangle that person. While that happens, just so if you guys don't know, if someone brought their brain-dead girlfriend that doesn't know anything about comedy here tonight or something...

They get 60 seconds on stage. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them abruptly. I interview them. We all meet them all together. Maybe give them some advice. Maybe just find out more about their lives. What makes them interesting goes from a podcast or a stand-up set to a podcast in 60 seconds. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what?

Your first comedian tonight, a golden ticket winner on this show. We don't get to see him that often. He's a growing young boy. He is a wild, growing, young boy. Suffered brain damage while in the military. We love him. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Drew Nickens.

One of my brother's nicknames was Mr. Brittany Griner Jr. His name was Jesse. He was an All-State athlete, but he was wild. He was a combination of Antonio Brown and Kanye West with a sprinkle of Seth Curry. Yeah, he didn't identify as male or female for a week. He thought he was Crash Bandicoot, the video game character.

My man escaped three mental hospitals on pure athletic ability. Mexican the way he was hopping fences. He reminded me of an outside cat because he would disappear for four days. We wouldn't hear a peep from him. But then he'd come back like nothing happened. And then he'd be real hungry. He'd go from Crash Bandicoot to Garfield really quickly.

One time he came back, he had a bunch of cardboard, and he proceeded to dance to the Step Up soundtrack for two hours. My parents were so worried. They were like, where have you been? He's like, don't worry about where I've been. I'm safe now. Do we have pizza rolls? All right, thank you all so much.

All right, Drew Nickens. The brain damage is bumping here tonight. A lot of keywords, a lot of references there. Brittany Griner, Junior, Jesse, Steph Curry, Crash Bandicoot, Mexican, Garfield. You hit a lot of... There's a lot going on in 60 seconds. Not a ton of, like, boom. Like, not a lot of...

Hooks. Not a lot of hooks. A lot of jabs. Yes, sir. Tiny little feel it out, like touch the opponent's hands kind of jabs. This was your brother? Yes. My brother, Jesse. Yes. He was a wild one. What happened to Jesse in real life? What's he up to? So he's dead. Oh, okay. See, that would have been, that would have been, wow, you were quick with that. Did you know he was dead already?

That was amazing. He just had his hand over the button like, oh, I got it. Fucking nailed it, Red Band. Absolutely incredible. We're like dead band over here. You were just waiting for it. Absolutely incredible with the bell toll.

So how long has your brother been dead for? He passed away seven years ago. Okay, seven years ago. And what exactly happened to your brother? Okay, so he was extremely bipolar, a little bit above Kanye. And he would run away for a long time. But one time he took too many dabs.

And then he was walking down like a farm to market road. And he got hit by two cars. Two cars? Two cars! Red Band! Red Band, where's your noise at? Where's your noise? You are absolutely hijacking the episode. This is what happens when Red Band kills. Red Band!

Wow. Three minutes into the episode, Red Band on a destructive path. I noticed you were sucking on those vodka Red Bulls a little fast earlier. All of a sudden, I'm a fan of it. Okay, so two cars at once. Talk about crash bandicoot. Tell me about it. Oh, my God. You sound like Frogger. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Frogger is black. Oh, and your brother is black. Now, something that we forget a lot here is that Drew Nickens is black. It's like good old white chocolate, meat milk chocolate. I like to call Drew, Drew half Nickens. That's what I call him. Hell yeah.

My goodness. What was the angle of the crash, if you don't mind me asking? So he got hit by one, and then he spun out like a cartoon character, and then he got hit by another, and it made him collapse and hit his head really hard, and he rolled into a ditch. Holy shit, ladies and gentlemen. Red Band. Red Band.

Making up for 11 and a half years. 11 and a half years he was the weakest link, and now he's thriving, ladies and gentlemen. This is his moment. He had the Tom Brady roast. He had the first five minutes of this episode. This is a breakout mainstream moment for Brian Redman.

We are waiting for it to slow down. It is unbelievable. We've never seen anything like it. He's drinking his power juice. This is absolutely amazing. This is a moment nobody will ever forget, especially Drew's brother. So...

Drew, how's comedy going for you? Enough about your brother and your... There is one thing about my brother. So he died, and then two years later, there was a program called Jesse's Place that was made in his name. It's a shelter for young adults 18 to 24, and they get all the help they need. They get medical help. They get job help.

And it's in Yakima, Washington. 500 people have come through the doors of Jesse's Place and have been helped through it. So I just wanted to talk about the Jesse Minute so I could talk about Jesse's Place. Amazing. It's a help. Absolutely amazing. Did they come through the door voluntarily or do you have to get hit by a car?

So, so, uh, the reason why Jesse's place was made is he would come to the thing and he, the guy, Mike K would get a, be afraid that he would beat him up. So he'd give him cheeseburgers and hang out with them and he got to know him. So it's all for like people that have like troubled past 17 to 24. So it's just, it's a, it's a really amazing place. I wanted to highlight. Yes, absolutely. Amazing. Uh,

How do people find, like, where do you go? It's a website or something. You can go to the Camp Hope website.

And you'll see Jesse's Place, and you can donate to Camp Hope. It'll go towards Jesse's Place. I'll also have something in my Instagram that'll also have a way for you to donate. They have an Amazon list for bed linens and hygiene products and everything of that nature. So anything of that that you guys want to donate, that would be awesome. I have a question, Drew. Is there fresh needles on the Amazon list?

I don't want to support any place like that. No, there's no needles or anything. Drug use is prohibited. They have a drug drug that comes every week over there. Okay. Absolutely amazing. Oh, yeah. We have really, yeah, we covered it. Drew, thank you so much for starting the show. A new minute. We're going to continue to watch him grow, ladies and gentlemen. Drew.

All right, our first bucket pool of the night. You guys know how this goes. Anything can happen. Could be somebody having the life-changing moment of their career like Red Band is tonight.

Or it could be somebody that fails miserably. Maybe they live down the street. Maybe they traveled from around the world. Anything can happen. Your first bucket pool getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Fred Go. Fred Go. I hate one-liners because every time I do one, it takes like nine and a half minutes before I want to do another one.

I had a hoot and a holler watching lived out women cry online about the election results because now they think they have to get their clits cut off and go to concentration camps because the orange be the camel.

Just go to Boulder and take a ski trip and get your hoo-ha hoover there. You know, it's not that hard. I'm just glad that I don't have to go die to a really neat RC toy in a ditch somewhere now in fucking Ukraine. That sounds way worse than a ski trip, you know? I'd much rather stay home and goon to the talk-tard whores when they ain't crying.

And I cry a little bit myself when I come too soon on accident. Shit, I'd volunteer at them camps to send these hussies left or right. Am I right, kameraden? I mean, fellers. Yeah, that's what you get, Nina, for, you know, nexing me on Bumble, you bitch. Okay, Fred, go. Am I saying that right? Go, Gio? It's supposed to be a G and then a dot.

G dot. Oh, Fred G. Yeah, Fred G. But you did the dot. You made a little circle. Yeah. I was trying to be cute. Okay. Okay. Well, I mean, that's where being cute gets you. It turns you into Fred Go. Yes, sir. Let's go. Okay. All right, Fred. So how long have you been doing stand-up, Fred? This is my third time on stage. Good.

Good. I'm glad. Anything else would have been crazy. Sorry. Where are you from? I'm from Germany. Okay, you're originally from Germany? Yes, sir. Grew up there. How old were you when you moved to America? It was like two years ago, so 25. You have no accent whatsoever. No, I can put one on for you if you'd like. That is incredible. That is amazing. How do you have no accent whatsoever?

What do you attribute that to? Did you only hang out with English-speaking people there? Yeah, my dad's American, and Germans are fucking retarded. And where I'm from, there's a bunch of army bases, so there's a bunch of GIs around, so that's who I hung out with. Your dad was in the army? Yes, sir. And were you? No. I was in the German army, which is a fucking joke. You were a Nazi? No one ever said that. No one ever claimed that.

So you were really in the German army? Yes. For how long? Six months. What did you do in the German army? I was a mountaineer. Okay, what exactly does a mountaineer do? Climb on hills. Basically infantry, but you climb on hills and do knots and shit. Do you just get to a high point to look for Jews? Or what do you do? No, they got rid of all of them. They keep them in the valleys, you know? So...

Just bust out the yumoculars and look for the fucking... That is incredible. So you're just up there in mountains. It sounds pretty miserable.

It's not. It's just the German army is a fucking joke. When you say that, what do you mean it's a joke? They don't shoot a lot. They shoot like once a year. And if you're a soldier, you're supposed to probably shoot more than once a year. What do you shoot once a year? Plastic guns that they started massive scandals over and their dog shit. And everybody's in denial because the German government is a fucking joke.

Well, do you think it's because they had a girl president? Danke, Merkel. All right. You seem weird as fuck, Fred. Tell us more. I am, Tony. Tell us more about you. Tell us more weird things about you, Fred. I saw Fred at the food trucks. He was with a gentleman caller. Fred's freaky as fuck, dude.

I gave him a knife. Freak-ass bull, dude. This is true what you're saying? You really saw him at a food truck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We chatted about guns. He's freaky as fuck. That's LeMaire's military detail. You were scouting the food truck. Yeah. The infantry. He gave me a good gun, though. Yeah? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. What kind of gun?

I think I recommended him like a Glock 43X. Wow. Okay, why did you recommend that to him exactly? Because he needs to carry it around with him. Right. This is what Kamala was afraid of, dude. Okay.

This is amazing. I feel like this is what people thought the podcast was three weeks ago when they heard about it for the first time. Like, oh, this fucking guy probably talks to Nazis. It's like, well, I guess now coincidentally we are for the first time ever. Our first Nazi ever on the show happens just organically.

So Fred, is there anything you miss about Germany? Love about America? What's going on in your head? I miss the food and the beer. Yeah. That was awesome. What kind of German food do you miss? Do you know what Mette is? It's basically just raw pork on a roll.

Raw pork on a roll. That's definitely not a Jew food. No! Raw pork on a roll. Can you imagine? It's fucking good. Unbelievable. It's delicious. That sounds like you could get a disease from eating raw pork. We have very strict regulations. All right, Michael, the courtesy laugh at your German accent. You know how grandmoms make food with love?

- Grandmoms make that with hate, exclusively hate. - You can taste the hate. - Okay. Fred, have you ever committed a crime? - Public intoxication. - All right. Is there ever a crime that you almost committed and then you talked yourself out of it at the last second? - Crystal knock. - 'Cause you seem like a guy that has some wild ideas. I feel like you've come close to some weird shit before. - I suppress my ideas with alcohol.

All right. You live here in Austin now? Yes, sir. And what made you move to Austin, Texas exactly? Guns and comedy. All right. That is, you're a wild boy, Fred. Thank you, Tony. I'm just glad that you're, that you're, that we're on your good side.

Always. Absolutely. All right. Well, Fred, Matt, anything else for Fred? No, I don't. I think we got to the bottom of him. Fred, I'm going to give you this little joke book. Who knows? Maybe you'll come back one day and grow up to be a big joke book. He loves you guys. We love Fred. There he goes. Fred, go, ladies and gentlemen. Fred, go. Fred, go.

How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, huh? I mean, unbelievable. Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN. The holidays are here. As if there weren't enough things to worry about.

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When properly equipped, max towing varies based on cargo, vehicle configuration, accessories, and number of passengers. Horsepower, torque, payload, and towing are independent attributes and may not be achieved simultaneously. Horsepower and torque ratings based on premium fuel per SAE J1349 standard. Your results may vary. All right, your next bucket pool coming out with a new minute. It goes by the name of Nick James, everybody. It's Nick James. Here he is. Yes, my name's Nick James, but that's actually just a stage name.

My real name is French. It's hard to pronounce, but I'll help you guys out here real quick. So my last name is spelled P-H-G-G-O-T. It's pronounced P-G-O. Yep. But I guess to everyone else, I'm just a f***head. But you guys think that's bad. My first name isn't even Nick. It's actually a cocksucker. Let me tell you something. You can't get very far in this business if you're just some run-of-the-mill cocksucker f***head, you know?

The funny thing is, people were calling me that before I even told them my name, actually. That was ridiculous. So I don't have much time left, but I'll tell you a quick story. Oh, never mind. All right. Thank you. There you go. Nick James coming out with a lot of bleeps there.

Dude, you're dripped up. You got the fucking black camo stripes, bro? Yeah. Sheesh. Yeah, it was a pull down. You got the Walmart for you to come here, dude? Fucking sheesh. Sheesh. Yeah, between him and the last guest, we had the whole fall collection, dude.

- Fall spelled P-H-A-L-L. - Okay, all right. - Hell yes. When you saw that jacket for sale, what exactly went through your mind? - I thought, wow, 1999, that's a steal. - Yeah, that's the year that that came out?

Nah, he saw it and he's like, no one will think I'm a faggot if I wear this. It is amazing. It really is. It's like part camo, part just jet black. It's absolutely wild. It's like you could hide in bushes and just do puppet shows or something.

Now, that's for dads to show they're a little bit racist. That's just a little sleep. Hey, who said I was a little bit? What's your least favorite race? Oh, God. Part of that one.

Well, it's okay, Nick. We're going to let you off the hook. You've been on this show before. I remember your face. Yeah. Fourth time now. Fourth time. Oh yeah. Wow. How's it been going for you? People recognizing you out there? Uh, yeah, not for the right reasons though. Right. Uh, yeah, let's just say I didn't do very well the last two and a half times I was on here. Right. Right. Uh, so how's life been going? What do you do for work?

I rate parking tickets. Oh, whoa. All right. Listen to this crowd here in Texas. We don't like that shit. I'm going to rate all of you a ticket later. Fuck off. Wow. I'm so glad your last name is F**k.

Yeah, they call me that when I write them up, too. It's weird. How do you know? Nick, how long have you been doing that for? For almost a year now. Right. What are some of the situations that you've got yourself in? I can't even imagine what it's like out there. See, I totaled my car one month into the job. How did you total your car one month into the job? It's a lot of work.

It was one of those little patrol cars? No, it was my own personal car. So I'm still getting used to the job and whatnot. I'm not used to the confrontation of people finding out I wrote them a ticket. I understand what you're saying. Exactly. I mean, who is used to any confrontation like that, right? Anyway, hooray, I get a ticket.

God damn it. Wait, you didn't in total your car on some innocent guy walking down the street, did you? Still got it. Still in the zone. I would have gotten a better deal on my insurance then. But no, basically I was in a parking garage. I forgot to straighten out the wheel, car, pillar, fucking, you know, I was in a hurry to get away from a guy whose day I just ruined. So, you know.

It was my fault. I deserve it. All right. So you totaled your car. When you were at work, what are some of the confrontations that you get into? Let's see. I mean, it's usually it's just homeless guys asking me for a dollar. But like.

Uh, you know, like Nick, I'm talking specifically that you're beating around the bush here. You're talking about homeless people, your own personal car accidents. You write tickets for a living. We all see it every day. Someone goes, Hey motherfucker, that's my car. I pay for it. Like the word, that's what I'm talking about, Nick. I can't believe I have to spell it out for you. Uh,

The shitty shit part of the shitty job that you have is what people are interested in knowing about. What's some of the worst stuff that's happened to you while executing a ticket on the street doing your job? I was getting yelled at by uppity white women. You know, that's, you know...

Is there not a moment or a part of a story or a line that you remember from any of this? I mean, they all kind of blur together, just so many of them that don't like it. Anyone ever offer you a sexual favor to get out of the parking ticket? One person asked me like... Was a woman ever like, I will suck your tiny cock if you don't give me this ticket?

I could write my own ticket then, but no. You almost answered that. What was one that maybe one offered you something? Like one guy did offer me a bribe, but it was... Even I wasn't expecting you to be that big of a f***. You know what I mean?

Damn, you didn't say it was capital P-H-A-G-G-O-T. Okay, now what did the guy offer you? $20. Whoa. Isn't a ticket like 40 bucks out here, though? Not the ones I ride. They're like $92, dude. Whoa, boo this man. The $92 ticket man. With the amount of money of one of his tickets, he could buy almost five of those jackets he's wearing.

Why are your tickets $92? Because it's like a private lot. It's not like for the city. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. It's a good job. All right. It's a good job. How much did they pay you? Actually, dude, thank you for your service. For real, though. Like, give it up to them. For real. Thank you for your service. But also, boo, dude. That shit fucking sucks.

When you say thank you for your service, Lemaire, what are you talking about? I mean, he's doing a service. No, he's not. His tickets go to one guy. They don't even go to the city. They go to a... Lemaire totally forgot everything about this interview, looked up, saw the camo, was like, thank you for your service, man.

That weed is hitting hard over there, Lemaire. This guy's been up here for seven minutes. Lemaire's like, you're in the army? Thank you, dude, but seriously, bro. Sorry about your brother. He's just mashing everybody that's been up here together right now. Sorry.

All right, Nick. Well, you already have a little joke book? I do. All right. I have several little joke books. You have several? How do you have several little joke books? You just kept throwing them at me. I did? You did do well. You did do well. Oh, thank you. Portraying him with joke books. I threw multiple. What made me throw multiple joke books at you? Him. Let's see. First time, I did, you know, not good enough, I guess. Yeah. Second time, I was weird. And then third time, I just bombed. Well,

I have good news for you. Zipix Nicotine Toothpicks has given us some amazing new nicotine toothpicks. Zip more, smoke less. This is Spice Island Clove flavor. If you want to pass that on down. Oh, hell yeah, dude. All right. There he goes. Nick James, everybody. There he goes.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to keep it moving along. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. He goes by the name of C. Wayne. C. Wayne. Here we go. What's up, Austin? How we doing? Okay, I didn't expect this many white people. My apologies. Let me go ahead and dress the elephant in the room. Real quick, no, I am not a rapper. You did not see me on YouTube with a Draco.

It's crazy man, despite being a comedian my biggest fear is getting very very famous. It's a fear of mine because cancel kosher, you can be canceled at any time. I got some jokes that'll get me canceled that I never tell. But I'm gonna tell them tonight on Kill Tony real quick. What do you call white people that buy small amounts of weed? Graham crackers. Look, look, I'll be canceled before Tuesday.

I'll be counting before I even hit the scene. To be fair, what do you call black people that buy small amounts of weed? Broke-ass nigga, 'cause look, we got some money, we gonna buy us a little sack or two. You know what I'm talking about? Shit's crazy as hell. Shout out to everybody, all my weed heads out there. Yo, Tony, can we buy weed on YouTube?

Can we do this? It's not done. All right, look, between me and you, if we need a 3-5 at the show, buy the bathroom, buy the little homeless dude with the two dogs, not the one dog homeless dude. Hell yeah. That part of the show is going to be on BET next week. How about a hand for C. Wayne, everybody? LaMare cut you off.

Little black on black violence there. Cut off by your own little sister, LaMare. I'm happy to be here. LaMare trying to hold him down. That's fucked up, dude. Yeah, bro. No, I got excited he was selling weed. I'm sorry. Allegedly. Allegedly. Amazing stuff. C. Wayne, where are you from? I'm originally from Galveston County. Shout out to the fallout.

Shout out to the what? The 409. The 409. I'm going to write that down. Never heard that one before. But I live in San Antonio right now. Okay. Shout out to San Antonio. All right. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up? Since 2017. So it's my year seven right now. Okay. Yes, sir. Seven years. All right. And you...

mostly talk about, you have like one-liners mostly type of thing. What do you call white people like that? Oh, no, no, no, no, not at all. I have some, what do you call Indian peoples? Okay, let's hear it. How many you want to hear is what do you call Indian peoples? Let's give the people what they want. Let's go. What do you call them Indian peoples? What do you call your Indian friend that you call on the phone? Tech support.

Nah, nah. What? I'm sorry. That might have been the wrong group. What do you call your Hispanic friend after 9 o'clock? A food truck. Look, I'm sorry. Okay. All right. Be careful. You're going to end up getting canceled out here at Seaway. That's what I'm saying. That's how I led this situation.

C. Wayne, what exactly do you do for a living? How do you make money? I actually produce comedy shows in San Antonio. Okay. Shout out to Holly Toxin Entertainment, man. We do comedy shows every Friday. Shout out. Shout out, man. Shout out. I love it. Absolutely. And how long you been doing that for? We've been running that since the summer. It's a weekly show? Yes, it is a weekly show. What were you doing before this summer in order to make money? What?

Well, before this summer, I was running spring shows, so we was doing a lot of spring work. You know what I'm saying? I'm starting to figure out why you have all these jokes about people buying a small amount of weed. Big facts. What do you do for fun, C. Wayne?

For fun. I like to play a little basketball, joke around, you know what I'm saying, troll people. What did you say after basketball? You said, I like to play basketball. And troll people in real life. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Not on the internet, though. That's just bullying. Right, right. How do you troll people in real life? Hey, man. How you doing? I'm good. How are you? I'm all right.

I'm good man, who'd you vote for? I already know. No, I'm just kidding. Can I ask an innocent question? Is this the latest in black eye gene technology? No, I'm dead serious. I was curious. That is incredible. I know you guys had straps for a while, now the gully suit. It's nice. Rips are like piercings, you know? At first, two was cool, right?

Now you end up with 36 and we're just out here making trends. That is incredible. Yes, sir. That looks like a... Most definitely. I do like the Goku hat. It kind of rips, dude. The what? It's a Goku hat. This is Goku, right? You're talking about what's on the backside of his baseball cap right now? How the fuck did you see the back of his head, dude? La Mer is specifically doing jokes for the Mexican part of the band right now.

Hey, what about that Goku hat, though? Roasted. For those of you with eyes in the back of your head, he just got roasted. No, but seriously, though, your pants look like liberal women's arms after the past three weeks. The cutters have been cutting one little slit at a time. For your new king dictator, first of his name. All right.

See, Wayne, what kind of big booty bitches you be fucking? I know it's the only option. So the question is, like, what shade of big booty bitch? Like, what color or... The ones with tattoos over their bullet wounds. Oh, hell yeah. You are indeed living in San Antonio.

409 represent gold. G, G, G, G, G, G, Galveston, Texas. Yeah, most definitely. Holy shit. You like the Latinas. Yeah, Latinas are cool. What's your favorite? My favorite Latino? No, black.

Sure, if you have an answer to that. What is your favorite Latina? I mean, it's like different ones. It's like the hot chip Latinas, and then it's like the tall boot and the summertime Latinas. And then it's like the Spanglish Latinas. It depends on what we're talking about here. You know what I'm saying? You can

You can be whatever you want to be. You can be exactly whatever you want to be. Absolutely, C. Wayne. What scares you, C. Wayne? Do you have any weird fears or something like that? Red Band is on fire, ladies and gentlemen. The soundboard is booming. Thank you. Absolutely incredible. I just heard C. Wayne mutter the words, I can't breathe, as soon as he heard the siren.

Oh my goodness gracious. This show is out of control. I can't believe you said that the second that the siren came out. Hey, that's messed up because I really had asthma until I was 12. It's just fucked up. And then what? Then it just went away? It just went away. Well, our food stamps got cut off, so I got skinny hair in there.

That makes sense. Yeah, I'm not supposed to laugh at that. Were both of your parents in, help raise you? Were they both in? I was raised by my grandmother. Yeah. Perfect. So neither. Yeah. 0 for 2. That's correct. 0 for 2. Yeah. You have a cool name for your grandma? What do you call her when you're hanging out with your homies? Funny thing. I call her Granny, but her name is Billie Jean.

Wow. Look at that. Yeah, facts. Wow. True story. Wow. Okay. And she was there. She would, like, make you breakfast or whatever? Oh, yeah. Yeah. But when you're being raised by your grandmother, breakfast isn't at regular breakfast time. You had to eat eggs and toast and bacon at 430 in the morning in the miles. Yeah. Yeah, you got up pretty early, like, before God. Before I let you...

Before I let you go, C. Wayne, what's your nightlife like? You seem like the kind of guy that spins vinyls every once in a while. I'm curious what you do for fun at nighttime. At night, I'm usually, honestly, somewhere at a comedy show, man, trying to make sure everything is being produced correctly, trying to make sure all the black people get in. Wow, that's the opposite of what I do at my shows. Yeah.

Someone's got to do it. I'm glad you're running it down in San Antonio. I appreciate that. Give these Austin Blacks somewhere to go to see a comedy show. You know what I'm saying?

Bad news is we're sold out. Good news, San Antonio is just 50 minutes that way. We went down the street. C. Wayne, welcome to the Kill Tony world. Here's a big joke book coming at you. C. Wayne, ladies and gentlemen, with a one-handed cat, specially reserved for specific types of people that are good at catching things made of leather. Wow. The lovely Heidi.

- All right, another bucket pool. We're flying through them here tonight. - Can I? - Yes, hold on one second. - This is the horniest guy. He keeps fucking like going, "Aye, aye, aye," at the late, it's crazy. - Wow. - He blew her kisses the first time, then he went, "Aye, aye, aye, aye." - You okay, guy in the white hat? What's going on? What? You can't help yourself. Wow. - Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you. - What's going on? What's going on with you? When's the last time you think you busted a nut? You got a lot of pent up energies over there. You jerk off today or recently?

Four months ago? Oh, Jesus. Yikes. This guy's about to wet his pants. Live. Sorry. First ever live nut busting from an audience member. Red band is a sound effect away from making this guy come in his pants. What do you got over there? You think you can make him? Uh-oh.

Whoa, his eyes just rolled in the back of his head. All right, back. Good observation, though. I'm going to keep an eye on that for the next Heidi appearances. This guy's out of control over here. With Uber Reserve, good things come to those who plan ahead. Family vacay? Reserve your ride as soon as you book your flights. To all the planners, now you can reserve your Uber ride up to 90 days in advance. See Uber app for details.

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Greenlight.com/spotify. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Matt Walker, everybody. We're having fun in here tonight. 60 seconds from Matt Walker. Yo, Tony Universe, what's up? What's the joke?

Alright man, so growing up, I'm sure everyone has that strange uncle. So growing up, I'm sure everyone has that one weird uncle. My weird uncle used to tell us these crazy ass ghost stories.

And when we get too scared, he would tell us, if you're so scared when you fall asleep, you know, just fall asleep facing the wall. So if a ghost comes in the middle of night, you won't see him. And one night, you know, I fell asleep over there and I must have forgot the rule. And sure enough, I felt this like ghost-like presence hovering above me. And I woke up, you know, and I have this strange ghost-like figure making these weird noises. Ooh.

So I fucking freaked out and I faced the wall. I said, go to sleep, bro, go to sleep. And I woke up the next morning and it must have been real because I had all this like ghost slime on the back of my head. And so I fucking freaked out. I ran downstairs to my cousin. I said, bro, you'll never guess. There was a ghost in my room and he touched the slime. He goes, oh, dude, what a coincidence. When dad drinks a lot, I know a ghost slime in my butt. Ha ha ha.

That's it, guys. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. I got to tell you, unbelievable timing, Matt Walker. Exactly one minute for a guy that came out guns ablaze and speaking four feet behind the microphone. Your timing is incredible. I think he talked into the mic with his hairline at first. Hey, man. Got to keep it glued down, bro.

I used to, when I was a kid, I would pray to keep the hairline, bro. What is going on up there, dude? What the fuck do you think you're doing with that, dude? I don't know, man. I'm trying to work with what I got left, I guess. Dude, it ain't working, bro. Holy shit, bro. Wait, dude, you gotta... The hairline is a distraction. Look at his chin. I don't know. I don't know.

When La Mer is pointing out multiple things that's physically wrong with you, you're in deep shit, dude. Yeah, you look like a billy goat. Your goatee's receding too somehow. I figured it out. Okay, Matt, let's talk about it. This is your first time trying stand-up, correct? Yes, sir. Awesome. Congratulations. There he is again.

So, Matt, let's just jump right into it. How old are you? I am 38 years old, sir. 38 years old. You started today. What made you want to start today at 38? I've been doing just work in construction, appliance repairs, stuff like that. Just spinning the wheels, man. Look for something bigger, better, faster, you know? Right. Looking for an opportunity.

Absolutely. I figure the first time you almost got canceled, we got Hans Kim out of the deal. So this next time you get canceled, I figured my haircut, my facial hair. Why? Because your hair is garbage? Puerto Rican. Because you say that because we should cut your hair out of a constituency of the. All right. OK, let's let's keep working with this. Let's do it. Go bald, dude.

I comb it different ways. Sometimes I part it, comb it back, you know? You ever slick it back before? Yeah, yeah. Matt, I got to tell you. I got to tell you, Matt.

And I'd imagine since it's still there in any form whatsoever, I'd imagine that your hair is something that you really love and are really holding on to. Yeah, bro. I really am. I really am. I got to tell you, Matt, we've been doing this show a long time. There's never been anyone that came out and just got a hard laugh from the audience and the panel. I didn't know what the joke was, bro. Dude. Dude.

Bro, you must be chilling by yourself a lot. You must not have one real friend in the world. I killed it, bro. Ha ha ha.

Do you hang out with people? You have like a social life? You hang out around with the same people? Yeah, I'm really close to my family and stuff, bro. You're close with your family. You have like buddies? You have like buddies that you watch sports with or anything? Like kind of like manly men or like... Yeah, yeah. What do they bust your balls about? They ever make jokes about you? They've busted my balls about my hair since I've been in junior high, bro. Coming it forward like... So why do you stick with it?

You seem like you would ever... I feel good about myself. I don't have a problem with it. You know what I mean? I truly do, bro. Like, it doesn't... There's a lot of people clapping here, but let me tell you something. You should have a problem with it, Matt. I get, you know, standing out, even like standing out there in line, bro. I mean, I get...

constantly getting eye contact from girls. I'm the best. I'm not for the right reason. I don't know, bro. I don't know. Is that Edgar? No. Okay. I can't jump on the boat of...

I just can't, you know, I feel good about myself, bro. There's no way. Okay, stop saying that. You're ruining all the jokes by saying that. Sorry. Let me ask you something. Where does it start back there? Like, this is real. No, it's not. The widow peeked to here, but the rest, like, here is all filled in and swooped over, bro. Like, it's combed forward and then swooped over like that. Can I make a case for you cutting your hair?

I will not. I would never cut. Bro, my brother shaped his chin. Can I make a pretty good point? Now, I have a couple. You have a pretty good head shape.

So it wouldn't look bad bald. And also, you got such beautiful eyes, dude. I think that's what carries me, bro, is the eyes, honestly. People will notice the eyes and then the chin. Yeah. The chin's not that bad. The chin's not that terrible. But let me tell you something, dude. You do have good eyes. I agree with Lamer. And people are staring at that thing on top of you. You're like, hey, my eyes are down here. Yeah.

Have you ever thought of becoming a Franciscan monk? Yeah, I can see that. What is your love life like, Matt Walker? Are you getting a lot of... I've been with the girl I'm with, I've known her since second grade. I've been with her for 15 years. Wow. We've got four kids. Wow. Wow.

I got three little girls and a little boy. She had two girls from a previous relationship that I've raised since they were like eight months old and three years old. A couple real assholes laughing at that. Something that's also a little, I guess, out of the ordinary. I've never, I've always lived with my parents. I've never moved out. You still live with your parents? Yes, sir. Wow, you're holding on to that too, huh? Yeah. Do you comb them forward sometimes? All right.

Wow. I mean, um, so you live with your parents, with your wife and four kids. Yep. Okay. And that's cool to shit, bro. I mean, for him to allow that to happen is just, I owe my whole life to my dad. Absolutely. Absolutely. I agree. What, uh,

What's that like living with your parents? It's stressful as shit, dude. My mom is like a Fox News mom. Like, she's fucking... Like, the joke that Shane Gill about smoking in the house. Like, we could not... This lady would not have stopped smoking in the house if it wasn't for the grandbabies. And she watches Fox News? Straight, that Newsmax shit. Like, the worst one, bro. Fucking awesome. Honestly, dude, like, I don't want to get too political and shit, but I...

My wife, dude, when all that shit was happening, that's what kind of made me kind of come back. That whole left shit, dude, is the... Do you have a black wife? She's Mexican. Okay. Hispanic. Hold on. I think you were about to make a good point there. Yeah, so, like, bro, because I really was, like, I was on that fence and shit. Like, I'm not... And I really mean this. I truly mean this. I'm not trying to just...

blow smoke up your ass, dude. No, yeah. I saw like the whole feat. I saw the whole blowback from like, and my wife too, because she's a fan. Blowback? Are we talking about what happens when you with the windows rolled down? Just fucking, hello!

Sorry. You should relate to Trump more than anybody with the fucking whack job like that. Yeah, that too, dude. My sister, she died last year on 9-11. Wait, what? Your sister died on 9-11? What do we got for that? We have a sound effect for that, Red Band? Like on the 20th anniversary? You don't have an airplane? Come on, we've already heard that. Give me a good sister died on 9-11. You don't...

Come on. A plane into the building. Okay, red band. That's out of control. How did your sister die on 9-11? She couldn't stop drinking, bro. She died at 41 years old. And so I stopped drinking last year on Mother's Day. Four months later, she passed. So I haven't drank in a year and a half. I kind of lost my train of thought, bro. But...

But yeah, man. Oh, that's what it was. Yeah. So I think about that shit. Trump losing his brother at that age. And it's kind of changed my whole life, bro. My motivation. Everything's changed. There you go. Kind of motivated me to do this shit, you know, so. Perfect. Absolutely incredible. Matt Walker. Yes, sir. I got to tell you. Oh, shit. What did you think was going to happen? What exactly did you think was going to happen here tonight, Matt? You barely talked into the microphone. You know what, though? You know what, though?

Since you got such a big laugh before saying a single word, I'm going to give you not only some Zippix toothpicks, but since it was your first time and you said nice things and we're rooting for you. Shave your head and come back.

Only if you shave your head. Are you allowed to... I'll shave my fucking head, bro, to get it. I'll do it. Will you shave it tonight? I want it this much. I'll fucking shave it tonight. Let's do it. I'll do it, bro. Who do you think we should shave this guy's head and have him come back out in a little bit?

Ladies and gentlemen, history is being... Somebody shave this guy's fucking head. We're going to bring him out a little bit later. The unthinkable is happening. Dreams are coming true. Matt Walker has debuted.

on Kill Tony. Literally the worst hair in the history of the show. We're going to get to see it shaved tonight. Somebody figure out a fucking shaving system. Oh, we're having fun here. All right. We have a special treat for you all while we go wrangle another comedian. This is one of the most prolific regulars, ladies and gentlemen, in the history of the show.

His citizenship is inevitable. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Estonian assassin. This is a brand new minute from Ari Mati! I'm single, a little less woos than I expected.

You know what I miss most about being in a relationship? Is it the sex? I don't give a fuck about the sex. I miss the arguing. God! I just miss having someone else to blame. When you're single, it's all my fault. Every time I fuck up, I just have to be in front of the mirror like, you piece of shit.

That's the best when you have a girl you get to unload! You have a shit day at work when you're driving back home, you know when you're like... You know when you're like pre-arguing? You know when you're like building a case? You're like playing that mental chess? Oh, you're gonna bring up my sister, huh? What about the cunt of a mother you have? You get home, she has that stupid face...

was your day and you go off how the fuck was your night she calls you a loser you call her a bitch she gets the knife from the kitchen you hold the cat over the balcony it's the best i wish i had a wife

Because when I'm alone at home, dude, when you have a wife and you hit your toe, you get to be like, who the fuck? Dude, if I hit my toe, I just got to be like, me! Thank you very much. Thank you so much. God damn it. Unbelievable.

Real fucking material. Real fucking thunder and lightning throughout. D-Madness! The momentum continues with the re-arrival of D-Madness, the only guy that makes six entrances per show.

I'm sorry I let it wend a little over. I'm sorry about that. Sorry, Brian. No, it's fantastic. First of all, Brian has nothing to do with the production of this show whatsoever. Why you would apologize to him, nobody has any idea whatsoever. It's me. It's all me, and I love it. Thank you.

Has Brian ever complained to you about going too long? No, I just don't want to ruin the format. You know, I want to respect the format. You can ruin it all you want. Killing is killing. And you, my friend, are an absolute anomaly. Nobody does it quite like you. You're a goddamn sensation. Future American citizen. Thank you.

There's no question about it now. I'm in deep with this new administration. Yeah? Oh, I am fully connected. I get a box delivered to me from West Palm Beach, Florida every fucking week now. Got a new pen yesterday. Got some new fucking...

You got a pen? Yeah, I got a lot. There's a lot. Gold ashtrays. Wow. Oh, yeah, La Mer. You got to get all your citizenship, dude. Oh, there's no doubt about it. You got to do it. It's on the top of my agenda, we call it. Jesus, you're high. Holy shit. I didn't know when you looked at me. I thought you got stung by a bee or something. You got to get citizenship, dude. Just fucking...

Much like his website. - Oh shit, Lemaire, I love it. - Much like his website, Lemaire is having some dot fun tonight. - Never seen what a bong looks like in human form. - He's wrapping himself up in a hoodie right now. He is looking for some type of comfort. He's forgetting that he's sweating and overheated. Actually, you've dried up a bit, Lemaire. It's incredible. Someone's about to vomit.

Someone's having an interior panic attack right now. How did the sweating happen before the show and not during the show? Something is happening. He's getting chills right now. I just need a hug, Tony. Incredible. Are we working on shaving that guy's head? It's happening? How do we even have that technology?

That's all I can think about, by the way. It's absolutely incredible. What does that mean? Scissors? You're not doing scissors, are you? Clippers? Oh, we're going to my place? Oh, you have a shaver. Oh, very good. Absolutely incredible. We have...

The production here is just incredible. What happened? Is somebody getting shaved? You didn't see the guy's hair earlier? It was bad? It looked like it was sharpied on. It looked like I drew it on like that. It looked like one of those shaky guy things with like the black dots that accumulate over something. He had real life Charlie Brown hair.

Ari, you are a special treat. I don't want to give too much away, but I had the chance to shoot a special show in Las Vegas that is produced by the UFC last week. And I decided to take, of all people, Ari Matty with me for this first pilot episode. And him and I had...

So many laughs. Such a great time. From the plane ride there all the way to the plane ride back. I've never met a luckier guy in a casino than you, by the way. I do have a... It's insane. It really is. Yeah. I have a system. I have a thing. Before we boarded the flight back home, we had like 15 minutes and he just went to a random slot machine, put in like 100 bucks, got 700. And he was like, I use it as an ATM. Yeah. It's literally insane. I'm never...

Just the whole thing going off. People looking. Just the Wheel of Fortune just fucking spinning. Just again and again. You put 100 in. That shit was gone fast, dude. It did not like immigrants, that machine. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what side. You can feel this is a needy pool. I don't know what side Estonia was on in World War II, but you got bad luck, bro. You got bad karma somewhere in your generations. Yeah.

But we had an absolute fucking blast. The casino literally had to rob me so that I didn't win. It was insane, dude. You having a meltdown in a casino, one of my favorite things I've seen in life. I wouldn't consider it a meltdown exactly. I would consider it fair justice. You yelled time out for 10 minutes. But what happened? Yeah, it was, okay, I don't know. What would you have done? Just been like, thank you, good night? A lady pulled the button.

ball out of the slot red nine. So he put, I don't know roulette, but he put five on like one. What is it? Number nine. Did you put,

Yeah, he put on 509, which is times 36, which is $72 billion or something. Yeah, it's an insane thing to do. And I decided one time to take that risk. I go, I'm going to go fucking ballistic here. I'm going to put 500 on red nine. And then what happened? All of my net worth. You are a witness to this. Yeah, you put... If I tell the story, I feel like no one's going to believe me. The ball go cray. Brr-yang.

And it's a round nine. The ball is flirting with the nine. It's literally coming to nine. It starts the trickle, starts bouncing, starts slow bouncing. Just before it gets in, a lady appears, grabs the ball. Over red nine, when the ball in the hole as it lands in red nine. She goes, re-spin. We're going to re-roll it. And I'm literally like...

what the fuck is happening? And Ari's like, oh, I go, Ari fucking. I was so excited. I literally said, fuck Tony. He was so excited at the thought of me just randomly like, like you said, the universe is,

Kind of likes me. It was the dealer. It wasn't a random woman. Then we walked around the casino and I'm behind you. Exactly. What is the reason? They tried to cheat me out of $26,000. Then he's talking to the manager and shit and I'm behind him. The pit boss. I asked the pit boss for his fucking pit boss. They reviewed the tape. They come down.

I go, well, if you fucking reviewed the tape, then you know what happened. He's like, I'm going to go review the tape again. It was the equivalent to the Texas Longhorns game when they threw water bottles and then they came back and overturned the call. And then the whole time he's arguing with people. I'm just standing behind him in a jack suit and a fucked up accent like, where are my friend's money? It literally looked like Tony betted my money. Did they say a reason at all?

What was their reason for doing it? Their reason for doing it, they said that in the game of roulette that there is a specific rule that happens once every... Literally, they tried to steal my money. But their explanation was that if the ball gets stuck on the wheel, which is what the dealer originally said happened, if it gets stuck and is just rolling with the wheel, which, by the way, fucking absolutely never happens...

But if that happens and it goes around three times, it's a reroll. That's not what happened and that's not what went down. It was actually the craziest shit I've ever seen in a casino and it just so happened to happen to me.

And that was nuts. And Ari's my only witness. It was so much fun. It was so much fun. It did cost us an hour and a half of sleep. The reason why I put 500 on nine on that roll is because I'm like, let's get the fuck out of here. It's 2 a.m. We got to shoot a thing in the morning. Let's put a ribbon on it. Little did I know that I would be fighting for justice for the next hour and a half.

Dude, but it's so funny watching you because, you know, you're at the perfect level of celebrity where the people know you, they love you, but if they don't know who you are, you seem absolutely bananas. Oh, yeah. Oh, I absolutely did. As soon as she did that, I go, time out. What the fuck just happened? And the guy at the table that didn't know me is like, it's okay, we'll just re-roll. I go, you shut the fuck up.

Hold on. Hold every thought that you have in the world. I'll get back to you, sir. You really started pausing other tables. You really stood up and went, everybody stop playing. I did not pause other tables.

Who will believe you if you make jokes like that? I did not pause other tables. - And then he walks around the casino, "My name is Tony." - I did not, I would never do that. I don't know why you're saying that. I would never do that. That would be completely insane for me to do that. That would be a viral video, I wouldn't do that. - I love it so much. - If the internet didn't exist, I might do it. - Just with a massive belt buckle.

That says kill and then your own name. Literally doesn't say that. Ari's still just making jokes over there.

One of our favorite parts of the week was Dana White did something. We hung out with Dana for a second, and we were amazed at how healthy he looked. Dana White next to me and Tony on the monitor. He looks so much younger. Both of us bloated, four hours of sleep, shake, check. Six cups of coffee. He looks amazing. He comes in just filled with vitamins. Glowing.

And then him and I guilt ate Shake Shack at the Vegas airport. We looked for the best restaurant in the Las Vegas airport for a very long time. We settled with Shake Shack. Ain't nothing wrong with a little Shake Shack, brothers. Yeah, for you. It's a joke. It's a joke. It's okay, dude. It's all right. Ari, you are the fucking man. Absolutely incredible. Thank you for having me, man.

I dare say, truly, one of the top young rising comedians in the world. One more time for Ari Matty, everybody. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

My friend's still laughing at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash campaign to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash campaign. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be, to be.

Behind the delivery trucks that keep your life stocked, thousands of employees at BP go to work every day. People bringing a new offshore production platform online. People making our refineries capable of more, like making renewable diesel from agricultural waste. People trading and shipping fuels to our customers.

We're having fun out here. Your next bucket pool. We're going back to normalcy, ladies and gentlemen. Lower your expectations. We have our second Matt of the night. With a Matt on the panel, we've had Matt Walker. Matt Walker.

who barely had hair. We have Matt McCusker, the man himself. And now, the Kill Tony debut of Matt Brown, everybody. Here we go. Hi, guys. So I have two older brothers. One is autistic and one's a Jehovah's Witness. So I have two autistic older brothers. That's fun, right? We can laugh at Jehovah's Witnesses. They're not here. There's alcohol and fun. They can't be near this place. This is a safe space.

My autistic brother, he's cool. He's high functioning. That means he does normal stuff, like he drives. He's not great at it, but he does it. He T-boned a UPS truck a few years ago, which is like pretty hard to do, right? And then a few months after that, he got a job at the airport driving jet fuel trucks, which that's terrorism, if you ask me. It's like, did you check his stats? They're not great, but who else would you want fueling a jet plane besides an autistic person? Like, he really gives a fuck about that plane, you know?

Thank you. He also smokes weed, which is pretty fun. I give him weed, I should say. It's cool because we smoke weed together and he becomes not autistic, which is the opposite of what happens to me. You smoke a joint, go to Chipotle, and I'm just like, dude, you gotta order. I'm nonverbal. They all think I'm gay. Alright, thanks guys. A fucking amazing set. Matt Brown. Thank you.

Welcome. Is this your first time on the show? Yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost 11 years. I love it, man. It fucking shows. I love it when people that have been doing that long sign up for this show and come on and show their fucking experience. He's got something on his shirt. What is it? What do you got over there, buddy? He's freaking out, dude. He's about to fucking vomit right now.

Oh, La Mer. Oh, my God. Little Shake Shack. So 11 years. Where at? Baltimore? Yes, sir. Okay. You still live there? No, I moved here a month ago. Awesome. Fuck yeah. You're exactly where you should be. Yo, Matt just got fired. Oh, yeah. I got fired on my day off. You did? Yeah. What'd you get fired for?

They just wanted to bring back the guy that was suspended for sexual harassment. Wow. One day of you, and they're like, get the freak back in here. Yeah. What was this job? Security at the Moody Center. Are you in La Mer Friends? How did you know that? Oh, yeah. Me and Matt, we've been doing comedy together the whole time. Yeah. The whole time where? He just moved here a month ago. Yeah, I know, but I'm from Philly and stuff. Oh, okay. Actually, like Lancaster. Shout out Lancaster, PA. Like, like, Lancaster.

717 till I die. Okay. All right, La Mer. That's not going to be too long from now. 717 for six to 12 more months. I get it. There's a little Brody. Good. All right. So...

Wow. So Matt, you've lived here for a month. How many times have you signed up for the show? Every time that it's... Four weeks or so. Okay. Awesome. Here it is. It's happening. What's it like over there at that place? Terrible. It is. Right? It's worse than purgatory. It's a bunch of retards thinking they're funny. It's just...

Then there's you. No, you're not wrong. I'd imagine that's kind of what I had in my head. I never get to see it because I'm over here. I never really ask anybody about it. But an 11-year veteran, I'd imagine that'd be kind of annoying over there. Yeah, especially because my girlfriend's alone with them right now. Oh, shit. Is she a comedian as well? No. No, she's just hanging out with you. Yeah. That's a shame that they don't. I guess that makes sense for security reasons or whatever. They don't let people come with the people that get pulled. But she'll see this on the internet.

Hopefully. If she's still alive. Yeah. So what's your plan now? You just got fired from your job. This, I guess. Yeah. Have you been able to kind of make a living doing it lately? Not here, no. Right. On the East Coast, I was fine, but I'm new here. Okay. I love it. An 11-year veteran. Tell us more about you. What else have you been doing? Crying a lot. Yeah.

I saw a homeless guy with his mom, and that made me sad because my mom's dead. I was like, I would give anything to be homeless with my mom right now. Wow, there you go. Red Band, very excited about the Rasta horn on a punchline. There we go. So that made you jealous of a homeless guy. That happens every once in a while, being jealous of a homeless guy. It can be done, you know? Yeah, a lot of times. It's crazy to have generational homelessness. Yeah.

It's crazy to be homeless with your mom. That's two failures. That's crazy. It's true. Yeah, you just step up on the curb. It's like, hey, honey, welcome back. It's the saddest version of I still live with my mom. That's for sure. There's no doubt about it.

Okay, Matt, any hobbies or anything other than stand-up comedy? Basketball. Really? Yeah. Wow, a master of posting up underneath the hoop, getting rebounds. I'd imagine boxing out. Yeah, white man ball. Absolutely. Bounce passes. Yep. Triple threat. Matt loves the Spurs. I do. I'm Tim Duncan in the post. You guys really know each other. Yeah, we're actually boys. Dude, it's crazy that we're both here right now. It is incredible. Yeah.

It is absolutely... You shit in my apartment like three times. Wow, you're very close. I would not let LaMare shit in any one of my multiple bathrooms. I'm betting my whole life that you only have one bathroom, Matt Brown. Yep. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. LaMare might be one of the last people I would let shit in my place.

Out of all the comedians I know, you might be the highest ranking no shit please guy. I'd rather you go outside and literally shit anywhere outside than inside. Yeah, Tony, the smells and the lymph are a problem. All right. Okay, Matt, what else would we be interested to know about your entire life's history?

Nothing. Not really interesting. You got a cool dog named Otis. I got a dog. Okay. I'm just going to ask LaMare. I'm going to take over LaMare for the rest of your interview, Matt. Please. My dad, LaMare. Handle this. Cool dog named Otis. Now, is that after Otis Redding? Yes, sir. Okay. Very good. Middle name Jermaine after Jermaine Jackson. Okay. That's an interesting pick. What made you name him after Jermaine Jackson? I just wanted to raise a strong black man.

Amazing. Amazing. If only La Mer's parents wanted to do the same thing. Matt Brown, you are a true comedian, Red Band. I'd love to come to your house for Thanksgiving. You could do that. Please. Are you going to invite the funny 11-year veteran to your comedy club next week? Yes, you can come next week. There you go. I'll help you out. Jesus Christ. You good? Thanks.

That was like the lamest invite I've ever seen. Yeah, I don't think he meant it. How about I give you eight minutes on my show here on Wednesday at 7 p.m. Does that sound fun? Okay, there you go. That's how you do it. You do a little showbiz. You give them something. Here's a big joke book. Fantastic Kill Tony debut. We hope to see you again. Matt Brown. Can I come over for Thanksgiving?

All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the comedy stylings of Brianna Vasquez, everybody. Brianna. Here we go. Here's Brianna Vasquez. Looks like masculinity in here. Like some real dick and balls, eh? I'm from Portland, so I'm not used to this.

Let's see. I grew up super religious in the Pentecostal church, super innocent, sheltered, until I got my first massage. Let's just say that man had me speaking in tongues and touched me in ways better than my pastor ever could. So I did what any good Christian girl would do and write a good review online. And poor guy got fired, and I haven't come since.

So that's Portland for you. That's all I have. Thank you. So sorry. Wow. Brianna Vasquez. Hi, Mr. Tony. Hello. Mr. Tony? Mr. Tony. Dude, did it move a little? Dude, I want to watch it. I'm sorry. I saw you at Shane Gillis' show in Portland.

Okay, Brianna. I think so, right? It was Nate Marshall. I'm sorry. Oh, shoot. Oh, my God. That is hilarious. Shane's other black being confused for the other one. That is amazing what we've just witnessed here, ladies and gentlemen. That's all right, Brianna. Don't worry about it. Thank you, Matt. It's okay, Brianna. You can treat me as wrong as you need to. Brianna. So let's talk about it.

How long you been attempting stand-up comedy?

times but this is my first time here it's your first time here for sure but like you've been like doing open mics no this is like maybe one time are you you say maybe one time lamar stop you say maybe one time like you don't know if you've done it one time before you would know i've done it one time you did where was that at portland organ at an open mic yes and how long how much time did you do there um three minutes and how did that go i think it

I think it went well. And you said, I'm going to go to the biggest live comedy podcast in the world. Yeah, I think that we need more women. And I feel like I have a lot of stories to tell. Is that what you think? Yeah. Why didn't you do one of the stories that you think you should tell here tonight? I have a lot of stories. Well, let's see. Did you dance with snakes? You're Pentecostal. They do that. Yeah, I dance on the floor, soak in tongues, roll on the ground. Okay. Okay.

And that'll just be after our date. Wow, LaMare losing all control of what he's saying into the microphone. We are slowly losing LaMare. He is higher than his own blood sugar right now. It is incredible what's happening. We've never seen anything quite like it. I just watched his foot fall off of his leg. This is incredible. He just checked. He checked. He checked.

For those of you wondering, just listening to the podcast, how high is La Mer? He looked to see if his own foot was detached from his body after I made a joke about his foot falling off. He looked. You can't make it up. With genuine concern, he looked under the table. Ha ha.

Brianna, so you think you're the answer to the not enough women in comedy problem. No, I just think we need more awareness. Maybe that's a Portland thing, sorry. It's amazing that somehow Chris Rogers has been drawing you this entire time from right over your shoulder. It is incredible. Brianna, what do you do for work? I'm a disability analyst. What exactly do you do? Because I'm technically a disability analyst as well. I know, I know.

I think I might be analyzing more disabilities than you. Let's see. I handle disability claims, so we pay 80% of their salary when they're off having a pregnancy, cancer, surgery. I handle their claims.

Okay. Yeah, it's pretty boring. You talked a lot about not being around real men, about getting a massage and it being so pleasing. Sure. What's the story with your love life? Love life. You don't have anybody to satisfy you? No, I do. I'm dating. He actually signed up.

It's been four months. Okay. Yeah, his name's Derek. Okay. So he's real? Yeah, he's real. Because he has a name? Yes. Okay. Where'd you get the hat from? Was that underneath something? Eastern Oregon. Okay.

All right. Anything crazy about your life that we would find interesting? Any fun facts about you or the way you were raised? Yeah, I think I grew up in a cult, so a lot of rules. I could only wear skirts, couldn't cut hair, couldn't watch movies, couldn't drink alcohol, couldn't wear makeup. Do you do that stuff now? No. No.

Okay. Great stuff. Great set. Great interview. Take this and we'll never see you again. There you go. Brianna Vasquez, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievably rough. Somehow still right now ranked the 15th funniest female comedian in the world. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing how that works. I don't know what it is.

Perhaps. Look at the angry women. They just don't like that joke. They'll laugh at the handicapped people. They'll laugh at brothers getting hit by cars. You say women aren't funny. Just a bunch of women in glasses. Like, what the fuck, man? I saw you. I saw the way you looked at me. All right. Another bucket bowl. This name looks familiar. Make some noise for Billy Swift, everybody. Billy Swift. Thank you.

What is up? I like to smoke weed and read history because it makes me more empathetic towards history and stuff like that. And the other day I was reading and it clicked in my head of like, it's crazy. We get to learn about history immediately. We can watch war on TikTok now. It's crazy. Back in the day, people used to have to wait for books to come out to find out what that sound Two Countries Over was. You had to fucking open it up and be like, oh shit, Hiroshima. They fucking really got them guys. Yeah.

And I started to think, like, wouldn't it be crazy if the people we learned about in history books, you know, had the same access to technology that we do, you know? Like, could you imagine if instead of a diary, Anne Frank had a YouTube channel? My guess would be ASMR, you know? Just gotta be quiet in that household, don't want to wake the neighbors, you know? Today we are going to listen to the boots downstairs. They're coming up the stairs. Oh, they have my family. Oh no, they're coming for me. This might be the last time that you see Annie.

Make sure to smash that like button and subscribe. Thank you, folks. Billy Swift. You been on this show before, Billy? Yeah, last time. Actually, it's crazy. It was Matt's first solo on Kill Tony panel. So that's crazy. Wow. Amazing. Back in like March or something. Amazing. What are the odds of that? We have LaMere's friend being pulled out of the bucket. A guy that randomly was on the other episode. Billy's my friend, too. Really? Are you sure? Or are you just higher than fucking...

Wow.

How did you win $100? I don't know, Tony. He was blacked out. He was blacked out just taking people's money, playing a random game of chance, and he was just winning. And they were so mad at him. They hated him. Wow. Wow.

La Mer, you live a wild life, dude. I like to have fun, Tony. I love it, dude. I love it. You're answering it like you're on like, all right, we're going to pass to our news anchor on the field. Like, I like to have fun, Tony. Back to you. He is saying my name while talking to me. It is incredibly weird. Mr. Hinchcliffe. Billy, how long have you been doing stand-up? Going on four years now. Four years. Where at? Florida. I came up with Cam in Orlando.

Ah, okay. How long have you lived here? I moved here January 1st of this past year. January 1st. Okay. Absolutely. What do you do for a living? I now work at a dispensary. I now sell THCA weed. I used to hang blinds in shades, but I don't do that anymore. That's right. I remember now. He once said hanging blinds, and I made a Don't Worry D Madness. Billy does MMA, too.

I'm sorry. Wait, really? You do MMA? LaMera is the best interview assistant I've ever had in my life. I could really use you. No, it's every guy here. You know how to play an instrument, LaMera? You could join the band. We could have you up here every episode. Perhaps the ham bone, perhaps?

Tell us about this MMA career, Ears. It's actually crazy. I went to 10th Planet today for, like, the first time. I started training for, like, in the past three years. I haven't done shit. And then I went in and I got my ass kicked and puked. It was fun. Yeah. I trained for a long time. Lemaire? Lemaire has something to say about his client? He's very humble, but he used to train with American Top Team. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Thank you, Lemaire. Thank you. Yeah. American Top Team. I used to train with American Bottom Team. Oh, man.

Motherfuckers wouldn't know what hit them. That's right. You don't want to know what this dude. Okay. Billy, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Oh,

I pretty much, I just do drugs. What kind of drugs exactly? Mushrooms, mostly. I like mushrooms a lot. Okay, what other drugs do you do sometimes? Austin fucking gets you on coke real quick, dude. They'll get you. Austin gets you on coke real quick. Yes, it does. How did that happen? Can you give me an example of how that happened?

Last time I was visiting in October, it was around my birthday, I turned 27, and I was like, you know, I'm going to do it. I've always talked about it, been like, yeah, I'll do it once. And then I got really drunk on my birthday, took a fucking hit of God dust, and it felt great. And it was...

It's amazing. Yeah. I always say like there's drugs all kind of end up. I'm not a religious guy, but it always kind of leads to God. You know, like if you do mushrooms, you fucking you'll see God. If you want to talk to him, hit some weed. But if you want to be God, do cocaine. OK. Wow. There's some fucking guys out. True. We found the two huge coke heads in the crowd. Coincidentally, the one that keeps clanking his teeth when Heidi comes out. A round of a teeth for Heidi.

Wow. Incredible. So that makes you feel like God doing coke on 6th Street. Yes. Yeah, I get to walk around with all the homeless people. I'm like, be gone! And they just run away. Wow. Amazing. Amazing. Fucking part the homeless sea out there, dude. Just...

And comedy's going good for you, Billy? It's picking up now, yeah. It's been pretty good. I got a decent boost from Kill Tony and shit like that when I did it the first time, but now I'm getting booked a little bit more, trying to work in clubs as much as I can. And you got a big joke book last time? Yes, sir, I did. Well, you're going to get booked a little more. Another good appearance, Billy Swift, ladies and gentlemen. Christ. Well, we are now...

We're going to wrangle another name. Oh, that's inside. Let's do that right now then. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket full is inside. There is an I next to the name. It could be you if you signed up. Ladies and gentlemen, he goes by the name of Dusty Carter, everybody. Dusty Carter. Oh, it's one of our own people. Make some noise for Dusty Carter, everybody.

So any of you fellas ever had your lady tell you after five years and a kid you didn't want the same things anymore? Just to find out she was completely wrong? We both wanted pussy. See how that turned out for her though? Now she's got the AIDS. Yeah, one in each ear can't hear shit. I told her maybe that was your problem the whole time. You didn't hear yourself coming. Hi, if you can't tell, I am not from Texas. I moved here from Kentucky because I read on the Google...

That Kentucky had the cleanest tap water in America? I thought to myself, cleanest tap water? All these toothless cousin fuckers? I'm gone. So far, Texas is great. But if one more socially awkward motherfucker comes up talking about AIMA on the spectrum, I don't care who you buy your internet from. Quit being weird about shit. That's my time. All right, Dusty Carter. You did it.

You work here as one of the production assistants, correct? We all work for you, Tony. Well, that's not true, Dusty, and a simple yes would have done. Not everybody here works for me, but again, okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Five years, and you are from Kentucky. How long have you been in Austin?

I'm not in Austin. I live in Fort Worth, but I drive here every week to sign up. Wow, that's incredible. It's a two-and-a-half-hour drive, right? When you punch it in the GPS, it's exactly 200 miles from my front door to this front door. Wow.

I've driven in the last year or 17 months, I've driven over 25,000 miles back and forth. To come here? Yes. Wow. And do you sign up every week? Yes, sir. Wow. Incredible. Since the second week of July 2023. 248 people signed up today. To think that it's been that long and this is your first time. Incredible. I believe in it.

This is my future. Comedy is what I love. I love it. I love it. What do you got going on in Fort Worth, Dusty? My wife is a military officer, and we got moved to Fort Worth. You have kids? Yes. How many kids? I have two biological and four-step.

Wow, you fell in love with a woman that had four kids already. She had three. I have one stepkid that I still consider because he was real young from my last marriage. The lady that decided she was gay. Yeah. LaMare has picked up his microphone, ladies and gentlemen. Dude, he has a step-by-step kid. LaMare somehow...

I don't know where that came from, LaMare, but that was incredible. Step by step, kid. So, Dusty, tell us more about you. What do you think is the most hillbilly thing about you? Your look is incredible. You look like you're from the top left corner of the GTA map. Yeah. You look like the GPS that you plug in to get here is on a four-wheeler. What?

Not only did I grow up in the county and birthplace of the Confederate President Jefferson Davis. Wow. But I grew up in the hills in the 1990s where I had HBO but not running water. Wow. Incredible. So what would you have to do for water? Go to the well? We had a well for a while, but our house burnt down. Oh, you are just as trash as it gets. I love this.

I love it. And when your house starts burning down, if you don't have running water, a little fun fact, you are fucked. Yeah. You just watch it go. There's really nothing you could do. Just grab the TV. Grab the kids too, but the TV first. Yeah. I was seven, so I took off barefooted in my dun-da-duns down the street to try and get papaw to help. Hell yeah. Well, when you don't have shoes...

You can't put them on. Damn right. That's, you finished, I started it, you finished it. Me and Dusty do a comedy duo thing every once in a while, or,

Can I ask you a question? So you were with somebody, you had a kid, and they became gay? Yeah, after five years, she decided that she was interested in women, and she wanted to do that polyamory thing, and I was kind of against it, but I was like, if it's going to make you happy. Right on. So why does she have to be with a kid anymore? Well, she had a kid when I met her, and he was like,

Five or six months old, and I raised him until he was in kindergarten. That's my dude. And he's now 12, and I talk to him at least once a week. That's my dude. Okay. He lives with you now. No, he lives with his dad. I have custody of my daughter, the girl that her and I had. I've had her since. Wait, were you fucking a dude? My ex-wife had a child, and during the pandemic, she went nuts. And that father and myself both took our children away.

From her because she was not in a good spot at that time. She's much now doing much better, but at the time. So she's not gay anymore. Actually, no. How did that happen exactly? What's the order of events for her to not be gay anymore? Okay. Well, she was with a chick. First of all, let's slow it down real quick.

Because when you said that she was interested in women all of a sudden, that you were kind of not into it, but then you let her do what she wanted, did you hang out with the two chicks at the same time? Yes, her and I and some chicks did a lot of things. Yeah, let's talk more about that. Somehow there's a penguin involved or something like that. Oh, yes, that is a dolphin. Thank you, John Dees.

John D is a master of water animals. Not a lot of people know that, but I knew it was a dolphin. I don't know why I said that. Let's talk about this Kentucky threesome. No, this was, yeah, this was in Louisville. It was Kentucky. Okay. Yep. Okay. So. So you and all your cousins got together. A good old Kentucky orgy, or as we call it, a family reunion. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Hell yeah. Thanksgiving Day. We grab for the turkey at the same time. Let's fuck over it. Whoever gets the bigger part of the wishbone gets the other bigger part of the bone. Oh my God. You dirty bastard. Okay. So Dusty, uh,

So did you enjoy having multiple women at once? Yeah, I mean, who wouldn't? I'm not gay. Right, no, exactly. Did it make you more of a man, you think? Did you have a beard before the threesome? No, I was clean-shaven, shorter hair then, but I had spent a former life being, you know, I'm an ex-con, I was a drug dealer, I was a meth cook. I'd done all that wild stuff. La Mer, yeah.

I don't know. I just feel like he's making excuses for having a big dick. That's what it sounds like to me. I am falling deeply in love with LaMare. I had a feeling this was going to happen here tonight. This is incredible.

But I just was, you know, I was wanting to live a different kind of life, so I did it. But after a while, when she invited our third to Disney World for my daughter's fourth birthday, I was done. Because she didn't invite you. No, we all went, but I just, it was too much. So you're like, this is too much goddamn pussy. Fucking Disney World and all these pussies. I don't even know.

I don't know who to go on Space Mountain with. Fucking bitches. Why was Disney World where you drew the line? Because I realized that as much as she tried to say polyamory works, I can love two people equally, that I didn't feel that was happening and I wasn't down for it. Trick no good. Yeah, you're basically the guy carrying the fucking bags to the airport at that point. Exactly. Exactly.

So we was walking out of the Magic Kingdom and I told her, we'd already been arguing. I told her, I said, give me a kiss. She said, why? I said, kiss me one more time in the most magical place on earth and don't ever fucking touch me again. My God, this is my favorite show on the Travel Channel. This is fucking Kentucky polyamory. 10 p.m. every Thursday.

Holy shit. Matt Walker. I mean, I feel like I could interview you forever. I feel like this goes on. In fact, I will. What were you an ex-con for? I did eight and a half calendars in prison for manufacturing meth. Wow. Look at you. Orgies and meth. Breaking bad and breaking bed. This is incredible.

Absolutely amazing. How did you get busted making meth? There was a fellow that was supposed to take a ride with me to pick something up because he owed me some money. And then he was like having excuses. And I was like, that's fine. Have my money when I get there. And so he made a phone call. And when I pulled out of somewhere, they tried to pull me over. And looking around at the felonies I was committing at that time, those lights was a mere suggestion.

So you ran. Of course. And what kind of vehicle were you in? GMC S10, like was it Sonoma or whatever? Like a little pickup truck. Okay. And you just hit the gas out there on the Kentucky roadways. Yeah. And when the brake line blew out, I hit the ditch. That's not the first time we've heard that tonight.

But I didn't let the wreck stop me. You know? Yeah. You got 99 problems, but a ditch ain't one. Nope. Absolutely incredible. Well, Dusty, I hope you keep signing up and I hope I pull you out again sometime. Hopefully it doesn't take another year or so for that to happen. This bucket's wild, man.

You know, normally this would be the part of the show where I go, no way to end an episode other than with the next guy. But ladies and gentlemen, we have a very, very special treat. I don't know how many of you have a lack of short-term memory in the room, but earlier here on this show, the unthinkable happened.

when we were introduced to the worst haircut in Kill Tony history. And now, ladies and gentlemen, here to say hello and give a little acceptance speech with his brand new haircut, how loud can this place get for the long-awaited return of Matt Walker? ♪♪

Holy shit. Dude. This is a grown man in the middle of the audience just yelled, you're gorgeous. This is a night and day difference.

Thank you. Matt, we all see how you look. I can guarantee you there's not a human in the world that doesn't think you look better now than you did earlier. Thank you. Kill Tony. How do you feel? I feel great. I think you should branch out. Do little Jenny Jones makeovers.

I love that Jenny Jones is the reference. A 22-year-old reference, ladies and gentlemen. I'm older than I look, bro. This is incredible. It went from being your bad hair went from being your identity, a thing that was stopping people from paying attention to you, taking you seriously, to, I mean, this is what you should have looked like all along. Do you think you're going to go back to the Sharpie marker? No, I won't, bro. No.

This is incredible. This is incredible. I appreciate it, bro. Honestly, I'm kind of pissed because I realized I might be a year away from shaving my head too. It's quite sad. I feel like it's a beautiful head. Matt, what do you think your lady is going to say? I think she'll be happy with it. Yeah. I think when she sees the episode, she'll be clowning on me too, you know, giving me a lot of time. Maybe she's been holding back.

Everybody's been holding back, bro. You walked into a chamber of truth here tonight, and I mean... I didn't know what everybody was laughing about when I first walked out, bro, I'll be honest. I had no fucking clue.

- This is beautiful. - It is seriously the most undeniable physical and perhaps any type of change I've ever seen anybody go through in a single episode. You seem happier. - And he's funny now. - John Dees just said you're funny now. - Thanks. Well fuck yeah bro, there you go.

Incredible. You know what I'm going to do since you were such a fucking good sport about this? And clearly that really meant the world to you holding on until the very last second. But because you were such a good sport, we have these more Zippix here. There's these mocha Zippix. Mocha flavor. Now this is supposed to be one of the best flavor of nicotine toothpicks ever.

No, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give you, in one month, let's see another new minute. Automatically, you don't have to worry about signing up. Wait a month, and I can guarantee you that the people will be highly looking forward to that set in a month. Talk to Yoni. We'll give you an exact date. And there he goes, Matt Walker. Thank you, guys. I mean, come on.

That is, that might be in the history of makeovers. That might be both the easiest makeover and the most effective makeover of all time. Wow. Kill Tony, changing lives for all types of different disabilities.

I just shot a snot rocket out of my nose laughing at that. I almost did too. I didn't have to say disabilities there, but god damn it. What a great, fun... You guys have a fun time tonight? Well, it is that time to put a ribbon on it and there's only one fucking way to do it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

The Virginia Vermouth. The Kentucky Derby. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery! Damn, I'm starting to think my ass should have made a sex table. Ray J! And by the way, Tony, you know I ain't ever gonna shave my head back!

Whoopi Goldberg is so mad Trump got elected that she claims she is now refusing to have sex. Hey, Whoopi, I'm mad too. In fact, I'm so mad Trump got elected that I'm now refusing to play in the NFL. Hey, nobody try to have sex with your old ass, bitch! Liam Payne, ex-member of the popular boy band One Direction, recently jumped off the third floor balcony to his death. One Direction, uh, yeah, straight down.

An Oregon government official was recently suspended for hiring people based on their qualifications rather than their sexual orientation. Okay, that's a joke. Just literally the headline there. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, the record holder for all-time new minutes. The record holder for all-time interviews. The reigning, defending, hall of famer. He is the John Jones of the Kill Tony universe.

absolutely strategic brilliance. Tony, I had the best weekend of my life. I went down to Gainesville, Florida, and I did. I want to set the record straight. I did go to the University of Tennessee. I am a Tennessee fan, but in my heart, I grew up loving the Florida Gators, and I was able to go down. It really was such a pleasure, and I was able to go to the game, and Florida beat...

Florida beat Ole Miss. They were able to, I was able to get out on the field. It was such a wonderful, it really was a dream come true. It was a wonderful weekend.

So did you really go to the game? I really went to the game. It was wonderful. Some man, it actually was kind of scary, Tony. Some man, right when I sat down, somebody started saying, oh my gosh, this guy's having a heart attack. And it was some old guy just slumped over. And I'm thinking, oh my God, I haven't been to Gainesville in 20 fucking years. And some old fucking idiot is about to mess up my experience at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. But it ended up, it was okay. They ended up escorting him out.

And then, Tony, I stayed at an Airbnb. Get this. The thing was, I don't know. It was the smallest television, Tony. It looked like a computer monitor or something. And I'm thinking to myself, aren't televisions pretty cheap now? I mean, can't you get a pretty big television for like $200? How big was the television, William? We're talking probably a 24-inch television. That's too small. I know. Yeah, it was very small.

I was just thinking that this is a woman. She could probably put a bigger television in here. Was it like elevated up on a wall or something? Or was it kind of like close to you? Was it a big room? It was on a dresser.

And there wasn't a lot of stuff in the dresser. I went through everything in the Airbnb. I went through everything. There was a bunch of kids stuff and it seems like the lady was staying there and her kids were there. Everybody was there and I would look out the window some and every now and again, somebody would catch me looking at them and I'd have to, it was weird. Yeah. Before I went to the game, I was just looking out of the blinds for a lot of the time. William, have you ever thought that maybe you're the creepy guy? No.

Why are you always looking out of blinds and stuff? I'm curious to see what's on the other side of them. It comes up like once a week. Like you're always like looking out your curtains and stuff. Like your head looking out of curtains is scary. You are like a young version of the old man from Home Alone that like shovels the snow.

You look like a young version of that guy. Old man shovel slayer, I think it is. He was very nice. He took Kevin to that church where his granddaughter was singing. He was very nice. He was a really nice man. But there was a dark side to him. He would go through the drawers of Airbnbs and whatnot. Yeah. Kid stuff. Playing with kid stuff. Looking out of his blinds. Yeah. But the game was fun. And the...

The show I did on Sunday, it was fun, but there was this fucking, this horrible bitch. She was drunk, and it was some place. It wasn't like a comedy club. It was just some venue where they were doing this show, and they didn't have... I feel like at a comedy club, they would have kicked this woman out, and it was just me constantly...

Dealing with it, but it was wonderful because I genuinely, I'm thinking about my sweet dead grandparents probably hopefully smiling, looking down. I'm back in Gainesville, back where they were living. I'm doing a show. I was able to get out on the field at the Gator. And there's this stupid fucking bitch. She was 24.

How do you know her age? Because I asked her how old she was and I was telling her. What made you even begin to ask her? Was she already heckling? Yes, she was being very loud. So she was being just extraordinarily loud and like there was a punchline or anything. She was just being it was a loud, horrible, loud 24 year old in Gainesville, Florida.

This is incredible. I can't believe it. Yeah. Wow. It was horrible. Oh, my goodness gracious. Yeah, but it ended up okay. It was a really fun weekend. Did you make it like a big part of your set, perhaps? What? Talking with the girl? Yeah.

You had it end up being a... 30 plus minutes, perhaps, by this review that I'm seeing online that Red Band just pointed out to me. 30 plus minutes of it was him just screaming at this white chick and her date. Saying shit like, quote, shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch. I love your energy, but laugh at the punchlines, you dumbass. Pfft.

And at her boyfriend. You should actually be embarrassed. I really hope you're embarrassed right now because you should be. Control your bitch, dog. Seriously, it was good. And again, I swear, Tony, like if people are laughing, it's good, but it's stressing me out. Then he would do another joke. The chick yells before he even gets to the punchline. He starts berating her repeat. He did this 10 plus times for his set. I'm not exaggerating.

I guess I would guess at least 10 plus times and I was already extremely annoyed by the seventh time. So was my girlfriend. They were annoying as fuck and the drunk white chick legit couldn't fathom that she was the problem he was addressing. The same thing happened at Casey Rockets part of the show. She kept screaming, give me the key. I want the key after he did his Dutchman's key bit.

However, Casey addressed it once and then never again. He just kept pushing through his golden material. William, however, would just not let it go. Okay, well, that's good. And that also sounds like just some fucking idiot, maybe. That sounds like a dumbass kind of...

yeah and then i hear a i hear waterfall i thought she vomited because she's gone i hear and it turns out somebody just dumped a cup of water over and i was so happy and i swear to god she walks back with a smile on her face with a filled up drink and i my heart drops because i really i thought she vomited on the ground and got kicked out because i heard this noise and then she was gone and i was like oh my god she's gone

And then she comes back with a filled up drink. I'm like, oh, God, this is why did they kick her out, though? This seems like it's the club's Sunday Sunday show in Gainesville, Florida. You're fine. I totally it's kind of like a perfect storm. I mean, that's what happens. That's kind of how it goes. But overall, a great weekend. Wonderful. Did you have good seats for the game? Were you on the sideline?

Had really good seats. Luckily, it was we were in the sun for 20 minutes and then the shade. And it's scary because there's this man who was really mean to a woman sitting next to me. And he had this horrible scar on his nose. And I think I have another skin cancer on my face. So thank God we got back into the shade, which is how the sun was going over the stadium. Thank God I was only in the sun for about 20 minutes because I didn't have my sunscreen on.

Now, there is a really decent chance, and I mean a really, really fucking decent chance, this show is seen by millions and millions of people, that the woman that was at your show in Gainesville is being shown this clip right now by somebody in Florida. So why don't you look right at that camera right there if you have any words that you'd like to say to her now, now that a...

A little bit of time has passed. William, the final words to the drunk girl. I already apologized to her earlier via Instagram. She sent me a message on Instagram and sent it to her boyfriend. Wow, that really took all the comedy out of this.

Literally the opposite of comedy and apology, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, an apology. How about for the live audience and the millions of people watching around the world, why don't you say something other than, well, I guess it's over now. How about, what would you like to say to the...

And I heard you had a bowl for me. I know. I fucking... I'm sorry. He broke a bowl of mine one time. And then Sean tells me you brought me a bowl finally, so I thought you were about to give me a bowl or something. I didn't do it. I got too high before the show. Uh... Lemaire, how did you break William's bowl? Just being fat.

You had it in your back pocket? No. No, it's the funniest thing. It was on the fucking table, and he has his hand, and there's nothing else around it. And he just drags his hand, and it falls off the table. And I can't even believe what I'm seeing. There's nothing. It's like he almost intentionally, I know you didn't intentionally do it, but it was just the craziest thing I've ever seen. Dude, I got these alligators. Oh, man. I can't control them. They're fucking gator claws. I don't know what to do with them.

They just sit when I walk. Gators can swim. William, is there anything you would like to say to La Mer about him not bringing you a brand new bowl?

It's good. I totally understand. We have a new apologetic, calm William Montgomery. Someone's been making a lot of cameo money lately. This guy used to... Oh, yeah, it's Christmas time. If you need a cameo, I'm doing cameos for Christmas. William, I do have this bowl that I've been smoking out of all night that I have to put back in the mothership green room, but I can give you this.

Wait, you're giving... Are you having him bring that back for you? Yeah, that's... Yeah, do you want me to bring it back up there for you? Joe Rogan's... Do you think Joe Rogan has the money to spare to give away a green room pipe like that? I don't like to count Joe Rogan's pockets like that.

That's not a thing I would do. Us RNs, we don't do that. It's public knowledge. He's extremely rich. I was just making a joke. You shouldn't give William the pipe from the green room. That would be... I know, I know. I was... Yeah, I'm sorry. It's fine, man. Welcome to an apology-filled ending to Kill Tony.

William, anything else you want to passionately say or anything else you're passionate about? Yeah, I mean, I think that person, whatever fucking review you read, I think people were having fun. I think it was a wonderful show. So that dumbass saying, oh, yeah, it really bothered me and my bitch that he kept on dealing with some, that's a fucking idiot. So that's what I do want to say there. Totally agree. It was a good show. People are laughing. The whole fucking show.

fucking time. I'm literally killing it up there. You're damn right. Some of the time I am, but you did throw me off a little bit. You're damn fucking right. It was horrible. But those people are idiots, so that doesn't matter what they say. Absolutely. Ladies and gentlemen, the golden goat, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. He's done it again. The drawing is in from Ryan J. E. Belt. Let's see what Chris Rogers has over there. It is indeed Michael Gonzalez. Thank you.

How loud can this place get for the great and powerful Matt McCusker? Matt and Shane's Secret Pod. Make sure you catch him on tour. He's literally one of the best comedians out there. MattMcCusker.com for tickets. How about a hand for the Kill Tony debut of LaMare Lee, everybody.

One of my instant favorites. Panties in the Mouth Pod and Lemaire Lee Dot Fun. Just a reminder, it's Dot Fun if you're looking for Lemaire tickets, not Dot Com. Lemaire Lee Dot Fun. One more time for the best in band land. Thank you to Game Time. We love you guys. Red Band? Love you guys! Have a good night, everybody. We'll see you soon. Thank you. God bless America.

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