#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee!

Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Hello! We've been doing this a long time. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? On horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matthew, the mortician, Muehling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys.

And this right here is the beautiful, bold D-Madness live in the flesh on the bass guitar. This episode of Kill Tony is brought to you by Zypex and ExpressVPN. A lot of fun in store for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

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Every single episode, I have two of the funniest people in the world on this show this week. No different. This is both of these guests' first time on the panel, which is very, very exciting. You get to look in the crystal ball of the future of stand-up comedy. These guys are part of the Philly Shane Gillis Super Crew. Ladies and gentlemen, some of the newest residents to Austin, Texas, the new comedy capital of the world.

I present to you two of your new favorite comedians, if you don't know them already. Make some fucking noise for Sean Gardini and Tommy Pope, everybody. Here we go. Gardini, welcome. Sit over there. Tommy over here. Get over here, Tommy. Hell yeah. Make some more noise for our guests tonight.

Oh, yeah, baby. Sean Gardini is on tour. Cleveland, Buffalo, Baltimore, Tampa coming up. SeanGardini.com for tickets. That's S-H-A-W-N. Sean, look at you, you adorable, funny man. How are you? I'm here, baby. I'm happy. You are here. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We're going to watch some wacky comedians. How about a hand for Tommy Pope is here. Has the podcast Stuff Island with Chris O'Connor. Another very, very funny man. Yeah.

How are you guys doing? You excited to be here? This is delicious. I've always seen you from afar, Tom. This is very exciting. It is very exciting. I always wanted to have Joe Pesci on this show. Fuck you, dude. You're the closest I could get. You like that? You guys like that? There's two Italians in this whole fucking city. Me and the lead singer of the fucking band. And we're fed up.

He asked me right before the show, he goes, how many arrows is this? I go, what? He goes, how many arrows? I go, what? He's like, hours. I'm like, oh my God, you were trying to say hours? Arrows? How many arrows? Is it two arrows? Two arrows. We're all different. We're all fucking different. Sean Gardini, a soft-spoken assassin.

Yeah, I'm more of a strong silent type, but I'm very happy to be here. We're going to have fun tonight. 252 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show. They are stockpiled at a bar across the street. And if I pull their name out, one of our amazing producers goes and wrangles them from across the street. They come over and pace nervously right behind that curtain for a few minutes until it is their time to come up on stage.

If when it is their time, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview and me and my esteemed panel find out more about them, make friends, make enemies, anything can happen. Could be the future of comedy pulled out of the bucket, could be absolute mental illness at a thousand miles an hour.

You guys have seen this show before. Anything can happen. And now it begins. And we start tonight's show while we go wrangle that first comedian with one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Truly, I mean, this guy, even though...

in the golden ticket range of comedians. Really, basically a regular. I put him up every single time he wants to go on stage and every single time he does extremely great. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the return of one of our favorites in the history of the show. Getting things started tonight. This is 60 Seconds from the one and only Martin Phillips. Uh, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My first participation trophy was my birth certificate. I got way too much credit on that.

You know, when they can go to the bathroom together, that's normal. But when guys do it, it's like, oh, we're going to do coke, okay? It's never going to spend time together. They borrowed my dollar, so I was a part of it. Anyway, any Nazis here? I'm never sure. Anyway.

Martin Phillips.

Has done it again. Way to get things started. I was called a Nazi for two weeks.

That's why I said the joke. I was like, this is for Tony. Yeah. I've never been called a Nazi before, and I wouldn't have guessed that my first times being called a Nazi were from every mainstream media outlet in the world, globally known as a Nazi. Me, with my super multicolored panel and love for, absolute love for disabled people. Yeah, I agree.

You know us Nazis. We are wild. Nazis 2024. A whole different thing. We just hate ourselves. I love it. Martin, you did it again. You are so fucking funny. How's life been going? It's all right. It's cool. It's cool. Actually, you being a Nazi fucked up my life a little bit. Tell me.

Tell me about it. I want to know. Tell me how I fucked up your life. So, before the election, I went on this coffee date. It was cool. It was fine. We're going to go on a second date. After the election, she was like, I don't want anyone in my life associated with Jill Tony. So...

Wow. No, I saved you, buddy. I saved you. You almost fell in love with a mentally ill girl there for a second. Hell yeah. We both lean to the right, that's for sure.

That's your favorite joke, man. You do it every time. Well, thanks a lot. Thanks for letting everyone know that I've done that joke before, Martin. That's always great for comedy, you piece of shit. Okay, okay, okay. It's so good. It's worth doing multiple times. You're a Nazi. You're a Nazi. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Put those hands back in those fucking pockets. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, Mike Tyson, look out. Holy shit. Martin fucking fantastic. Everyone loves your style. I can't believe it. I can't believe that I cost you a second date with a crazy girl. There was no other red flags? She was nice. No, she was nice. I didn't get it.

I don't know. I didn't have any issues. Was she normal and able-bodied? Yes. Or were you guys both out there just doing the fucking wobbles? A normal person. Just fucking spilling coffee all over the fucking joint. Well, it was cold coffee. The coffee was cold. Cold coffee? I'm guessing it was shaken. Oh, yeah.

Good lord. But I don't know, she was cool out there. I didn't see any issues. But, yeah, she's all issues about me. She doesn't want to be associated with anything. Kill Tony. Wow. And I was like, I wasn't fucking there. I wasn't fucking there. Yeah, I wasn't. I wasn't. Yeah, so, I don't know. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, man. Well, she's probably not going out with anybody. She probably shaved her head and swore off sex for the next few years anyway. So no matter what, you'd still be fucking rubbing that shit in your pocket right there. My phone. Oh, it's your phone. Okay, all right. I thought it was your fat cock.

for a second. What kind of dick do you have, Martin? What are we working with here? I've always wondered. Is it also a vibrator? I guess. If it's on me, I guess it's a vibrator. No, I think it's a regular penis. I believe it's normal. Circumcised. Oh, you are circumcised. Yeah.

I don't remember that, but I think it was. Hell yeah. That doctor, that guy. Absolutely. Very, very, one of the hardest circumcisions to do, I'd imagine. Fuck, stay fucking still. Can people hold down the arms and the legs and the hips and the fucking shoulders? Nurses, I need more nurses. This fucking baby's wobbly, wobbly, wob. Wobbly, okay.

I love it. Gentlemen, have you guys ever seen anything quite like Martin Phillips before? No, I do. I've seen him before. He's fucking hilarious, but I get anxious, you know? I have this like weird, uneasy feeling. It's like watching a dog sneeze. Where you stand up like, oh, is he okay? He's okay. He's okay. Let him sneeze. Let him get it out.

Big fan. Thanks. Sean Gardini. What do you think about Martin Phillips? Huge fan. Love your style. Sorry you're not getting pussy anymore. Yeah. But, you know, maybe it's for the best. Yeah. Maybe there's a silver lining somewhere. I don't know. Don't know what I heard about that.

I'll put a good word out for you. Yeah. The person on the garden is going to put a word out. Sneezy dog leading the sneezier dog. I'll teach you some of my tricks. You put the word out, Donnie. Yeah, all right. I don't believe you. Dude, I'll jerk you off right now, man. You just have to leave your hand there. He'll do all right.

I'm sorry, Martin. That was good. That was good. Thank you. Martin, you're an absolute rock star. We love you. Way to get the shit started tonight. You've done it again. The great Martin Phillips. And now we go to the bucket. We know this first bucket pool. She's been on this show multiple times. She got like, oh, the lovely Heidi, everybody. Big pop from the crowd. You gotta love it.

Heidi has lighters. The Heidi lighters are out. I don't know. Where do people find them at, Heidi? You can find them at the Yellow Rose of Austin, Texas. Oh, they have to go to the actual Yellow Rose. Okay. All right. I thought that maybe they'd be online, but you have to take your ass to a real, legit strip club to get these lighters.

All right. You know her. You love her. It's been a long time since she's been on this show. This is a brand new minute from Jameesha Albo, everybody. It's been a long time. She's back. Jameesha Albo. My name's Jameesha. I was adopted when I was six years old. I'm the only black person in my family, and when I tell people that, they think my life is a lot like that movie, The Help. Yeah. Growing up, my life was more like the movie, Get Out. With Mexicans, which was somehow worse. I...

My mom is a combination of white and Mexican, so when we're in public I call her Mexi-Karen. Like a white woman, she loves to say the N-word. Yeah. Nordstrom. It's... But she is Mexican, so it's more like Nordstrom-rack. That bitch loves a hard R. I got kinky parents. You guys have kinky parents? Don't answer that. You see, here's the thing about kinky parents. You shouldn't know that they're kinky.

When I was 18 years old, my mom came out to me as bisexual. The phrase, I'm going to be in a relationship with your father and his girlfriend. Yeah, my parents are Mexican and their third is white, so when they're all together, I call them tres leches. Guys, thank you. That's my time. Jamisha Albo has returned. Hi, Jamisha. Tony Hinchcliffe, Mr. President. How are you? Thank you, indeed.

So you were adopted? Is that what I'm getting? I was adopted. Yeah. Only black person in my family. And so the end of that joke. So when I was 18, my mom came out to me as bi. And then she entered a relationship with my dad and the girl that he was cheating on her with.

Yeah. That sounds about right. That's not even that crazy. I'm used to much crazier shit with comedians. That's actually a pretty balanced breakfast of a childhood. Wait until 18. Normally when parents say bye at 18, they mean goodbye.

Goodbye. You're out. Don't come back. See you later. You had a little bit of infidelity growing up, right? More than infidelity. My entire thing. My mom and dad cheated on their significant others for 11 years secretly while raising families. They were fucking the shit out of each other. There we go. And then 11 years into it, my dad nutted inside of my mother and she got pregnant. My dad assumed that she would have an abortion, but she decided to have me her dream love child. Yeah, there you go.

The youngest by 12 years. So being told that your mom's bi at 18 to me is fucking boring. You know what I'm saying?

Cause I was fucked up. I did the math when I was a kid and called him out on it. Anyway, it's a whole thing. There's many podcasts where I talk about it. Thank you for sharing. Demon seat. I'm the bastard of Youngstown. Okay. Okay. Anyway, it's interesting that you were adopted by Mexicans. How did this happen? That is, that sounds different. Yeah. So it's like Mexican and Italian, mostly Mexican. I have a lot of Mexicans that live in Fresno, California. Um,

But yeah, six years old. My mom just wanted a girl, so she got me. She wanted a girl. So that's the only request? She's like, I just want a girl. And they gave her a black girl? A black girl, yeah. Damn. That's kind of like a fucking raw deal. It was 2001. Damn. Can I have a second draft pick here? All right.

The Mexicans are shaking their heads at me right now. Oh, gosh. I love it. So what was it like being raised in a Mexican household? Good. A lot of tamales. Yeah. I'm recently sober, and I used to smoke a lot of weed, so I've replaced rolling blunts with rolling tamales now. That's it. Did you have brothers and sisters in the household? I did, yeah. So when I got adopted, my mom had a son from her first...

we'll call it encounter who lived in Fresno. And then when I got adopted, I had a brother who's my age, so I'm 30 now. He's 30 as well. And then I have a little brother. The brother came out of your mother's vagina? Uh-huh. Yeah. So why did they go shopping for a kid when she could have made one? She was also pregnant when she adopted me. Hold on. John Dees, senior black correspondent on this show, has something to say. What were you going to say, John? That's the wrong microphone, John.

What did you say? Okie dokie. Great stuff, Dee's. You get a little bit stronger every week at this show. No, I'm kidding. We love John. No, so she was pregnant with my little brother when she had me. The band loves it when Dee's fucks up. They're just having their own side tables right now. Fucking love that shit. The band leader, John Dee's.

Okay. Yeah, so my mom was pregnant with my little brother when they adopted me. What would possibly make a woman try to get an extra child when she's pregnant? I asked her, right? I was like, why did you decide to adopt me? And the only reason was because she wanted a girl. So...

That was it. So she found out she wasn't having a girl. She found out the thing inside of her belly had a penis. It's a boy, yeah. I mean, does she even like the boy that's the same age as you? Oh, yeah. Hates me, loves the boy. Why does she hate you? I was a piece of shit growing up. Really? Yeah, I would lie. I would steal. I know I'm nice now, but I was a fucking terror when... Wow, so even if you're raised by a different race...

You still steal and lie. Yes. We're learning. It's nature, not nurture. We're figuring it out here tonight. Deez is not smiling at this at all.

And this was before mothers could make their boys girls if they wanted to. Yeah, you would be, yes. This was pre-trans. Yes, pre-trans. My adoption, I've been a little bit more into the technical terms of my adoption, and it's called a transracial adoption when you're the only fucking different race in the whole, yeah. Trans, yeah.

Tommy Pope. Who's calling it that? What's that? Who's calling it that? Who's what? Who's doing what? Who's calling it a transracial adoption? I thought it was just an adoption. Yeah. Adoption, transracial. Where did you learn that term? The internet. Okay. Yeah. They'll just call anything trans nowadays.

What did you steal when you were a kid? Food, surprisingly. What kind of food? Anything, really. I was very, what do they call it, like food insecure as a child. So my birth mother was a drug addict and an alcoholic, so I was just like on my own. How did you find that out?

My mom, my current mom and my foster parents. So they told you. They're like, you're lucky you're with us. Well, so when I got put into foster care when I was three. So when I got to foster care, they found an STD. Not trying to brag. Wait, you had an STD? When I was three years old. At three? Yeah. You dirty slut. Jesus Christ. Wow. That is incredible. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Tommy's going in for that hepatitis B E T. Oh yeah, look at this. You got that KFC HPV. Okay, shut up. We're having fun here. How often do you get to make black STD as a baby jokes? Come on. She needs love, dude. She just needs a good fucking hug from a WAP. Greasy Dego fucking hug.

How'd that feel? You may have given her a wob. Yeah, my neck is a little wet.

But so, yeah, so basically my birth mother had passed out on the couch and I just like left and then the cops picked me up. And then from then on. Amazing. Yeah. And look at you now. You're a full time comedian. You love it. You love this game all the time. I notice that you sign up all the time because I see you before the show because you get to perform in the little boy. There's a lot that goes on here.

Some people you see more than others around. Adam, you get the booker likes. It's been a long time since you actually got pulled out of the bucket. We're happy to have you. You already have a big joke book. It's filled. Yep. I love it. You want another one? Please. You got it. Jamisha Alba. Boom. What a great catch. Hell yeah. She can catch a joke book. She can catch an STD.

She can catch everything, ladies and gentlemen. It's unbelievable, the stylings of Jamesha Alba. Raised by Mexicans, still catches leather like a black person. Amazing. That's a football joke. It's a football joke for those of you trying to clip things to make me look like a racist.

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I like to have the TV on during sex, but you gotta be careful what show is on while you're doing it. Because the only thing worse than finishing quick with a girl is finishing quick then hearing a laugh track immediately after. Now it just feels like a whole audience is degrading me. My go-to genre to have on during sex? True crime. Because at least if I give her a bad performance, she can look at the TV and see some girl getting raped and murdered. And I can go, "Hey, could be a lot worse for you, huh?" It's like, "Yeah, I didn't make you cum, but you do get to go outside again, so..."

Count your blessings, all right? I was drinking with some family a couple weeks ago. My cousin with Down syndrome came up to me. He goes, hey, Cole, you should stop drinking. It's not good for you. And in my head, I was like, I'm not going to stop drinking tonight until I'm on your level, little cuzzo. I also want to be drooling on myself at some point. That's when I realized getting drunk is just microdosing Down syndrome.

There's a lot of similarities. You know, you're harder to understand, you eat more, you fall more, and no one's gonna trust you behind the wheel. So a lot of similarities, I think. I don't know, people start drinking and say, "Let's get fucked up." I say, "Let's get fucked down." All right, thank y'all. - Cole Castle. Very good set.

How's it going, Cole? Good. You've been on this show before? Yeah, I was on a few months ago. Yeah. Did this go better than the last time, you think? I think it went about the same. Okay. Yeah, we'll see. All right. Yeah, things could change. Well, no, it already happened. We did see. Yeah, okay. Well, you know, there's the interview, but yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. You're in it right now. Yeah, yeah. Have you had a broken nose before? No. No? No.

Just looks like that? Yeah. Damn. That sucks. Appreciate that. Yeah, you're right. The interview is a long... I'll try to face you so you wouldn't notice. Oh, yeah. Just seeing someone so far... You ever been hit by a car? What's this about? You got an excuse for that fucking face? That's crazy.

Cole, how long have you been doing stand-up? Just that one year. One year. What do you do for work? Sales. What are you selling? I sell insurance to financial advisors. Wow.

Wow. That sounds terrible. It's not. Criminal. I work from home. My coworkers are cool. That's really all I care about. Since when do all these fucking things work from home? The pandemic? Yeah, basically. They just let everybody stay there? Yeah, I mean, after the pandemic, it's like they can just hire. Like, our office is in Florida, so it doesn't even matter. Another sad fucking story. Are your parents Mexican, too? Can we fucking pick it up? Yeah. How old were you when you got your first STD?

I was...

I went to Texas Tech, so Raider Ash was a real thing. Hell yeah. You got that little... It keeps going! You got that little red Raider in your pants. Yeah. I thought it was a joke. They're like, dude, watch out for Raider Ash. And I was like, yeah, all right. What does that mean? Raider Ash, it's basically like chlamydia at Texas Tech. Yeah, so you got chlamydia. Yeah, they just said Raider Ash. It was STD, but then, like, dude, everyone gets chlamydia there. Wow. Dude, yeah, I was like, I was studying finance, which is, like, kind of hard, but, dude, I couldn't even pass the test at the clinic. Those were the hardest things.

You make me want to shave my mustache, dude. That's amazing. That is amazing. Cole, when's the last time you got an STD? I don't know. If you don't get tested, you don't have one. So it's been a while. Probably since college, I think. Yeah, I got tested like a year ago. I'm good to go. Okay.

All right. That's good. A year. You talk a lot about sex during your act. Do you have a lot of it? Do you have a steady girlfriend? No. No. Dude, I feel like I can always come up with bits during sex. During sex. Yeah. Or after. If I can't write, if I have writer's block, I'm like, let me just bang someone and then I could probably get a joke out there. Have you thought about doing other things and writing jokes about it?

No, no, just sex right now. Just sex. Amazing. Yeah, riding that wave. Amazing. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom that you use on the ladies? The old coal castle? The old sand castle? The old fucking coal trickle? No, I'm just, I'm really good at like the pillow talk after. Like, sex, all right, but like,

I'll hold a mean conversation after and make you laugh. - Really? Is that true? - Yeah, I think the sex is all right, but the pillow talk is like, "All right, I'll hang out with that guy again." - You know what, let's get Heidi up here. I wanna see what this guy's pillow talk is like. Let's do a little, the lovely Heidi. Always an intimidating force when looking directly in a man's eyes. So you just fucked Heidi, which I'm guessing is literally-- - Now I have to get tested. - Yeah.

So you and Heidi just fucked. You guys are laying down. Let's get a little example of your amazing pillow talk. Heidi, thank you for having sex with me tonight. You're very welcome. Your make-a-wish has come true. He won. He won. Keep it going. So, like, do you, like, play Fortnite? Or, like, what...

I really love Grand Theft Auto. Grand Theft Auto? You probably always take the hookers and fuck them in the car too. Yeah, I usually just kill them actually. Alright, you're pretty cool. Alright. I understand. I understand why you get the ladies. Yeah, okay, cool. What are you doing after? Well, we just had sex. So give me like 30 minutes and like a powerade. Then like what are you doing later?

Okay, I can make you a Powerade. Oh, you can make Powerade? Yeah. Wow. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I'll try some of your Powerade. Yeah, okay. What color? Probably blue. Blue? Okay. Yeah, I can do some blue Heidi Powerade. Wow, what a master of pillow talk you are. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi? Thank you.

Cole, what kind of joke book did you get last time you were on? - Big one. - You got a big one? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - There you go, there he goes. Cole Castle, everybody, on to the next one. You don't need to shake hands, Cole, there you go. All right, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name. Make some noise for the Kill Tony, I do believe debut of Simon Perkovich. Simon Perkovich, here we go. - What's up, everybody?

Let me gauge the room. What do we think of trans athletes? Boo? I love trans athletes. Trans athletes are the best thing to ever happen to women's sports. Yeah. Case in point, right now we're talking about women's sports. Look at the ratings! Did you guys know there's a WNBA?

We haven't cared this much about women's sports since the 20s. And back then it was like, "Dude, should we let women play sports?" Now it's the 20s again and we're like, "Bro, should we play women's sports?" And I feel the ladies pulling away. I get it. You're mad. 'Cause you're jealous, you know? We make better women than you. We've got stronger legs. We're faster. We got bigger dicks. That's me.

Simon Perkovich, going in on trans athletes. Welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right? First time. I would remember a Perkovich if I've heard one before. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like three years. Where at? Telluride, Colorado. Wow.

Wow, what's it like up in Telluride? It sucks. Yeah? Yeah, Telluride sucks. Don't ski there. It's a terrible resort. Why? It used to be really cool. It was like a hippie ski town. Now it's like Oprah lives there. They turned every cool thing into a condo.

Kind of like Austin. Yeah, no, Austin's amazing. You're right, it is. Yeah. We don't know what you're talking about. The city's great, and Oprah is nowhere to be found. That's true.

So does Oprah actually live there? It seems like that would be a slippery slope for her, uh, for her very unhealthy body to, uh, yeah, I don't think she can breathe up there and we've never seen her, but she's got the biggest property in our area. That makes sense. Just in case the shit hits the fan, there's a place for her to escape to. Luckily that won't happen. Um,

Because anyway, I'll just keep going on. I don't want to get political here. That's me avoiding politics for a change. So Simon, tell us more about you. What do you do for work? I was a bartender. Now I'm trying to figure it out. I want to work for farms and stuff around here. I went to the farmer's market, just dropped off my resume with a bunch of people. Haven't heard anything back. What kind of farming do you want to do? Yeah. Yeah.

Do you know what... I used to... What year are you in? 25, I don't know. 1925, very good. Farming is an option. What are you talking about? Have you ever farmed before? Yeah, I used to be a mushroom farmer. I'd grow medicinal mushrooms. I've worked on a pig farm, I've worked on an apple farm, organic stuff.

Okay. Yeah. All right. You're a little hippy-dippy, huh? I'm a little hippy-dippy. I think that if you don't make food in some way, you're kind of useless. Uh-huh. Yeah. That's how I feel about other people. Yeah. Other people should make my food. Yeah. That's where you come in. That's what I do. And that's not what I do. Yeah. I eat the food. Mm-hmm. I drink your milkshake. Yeah.

Tell us more. How long have you been in Austin, Texas? I've been here since Halloween, so it's been like two weeks. Hell yeah. Halloween. Did you dress up for Halloween? Yeah, I have this robe that I do drugs and walk the desert in, and it kind of looks like the dude, so I was the dude for Halloween. With arms wide open. Jesus. We just got in a whole episode of...

demonetized for me singing one line of that song. That exact line. No big deal. Just a quick $100,000 down the drain. Thank you, Tommy. Wasn't even a dude joke. Just switched it to Creed. And it's okay. We'll bleep it. We've learned to bleep it. We have to bleep shit all the time now. Which fucking sucks.

Oh, shit. Look at that picture of Red Band happening over there in the corner. I love this. Very rarely do I get sidetracked by the artwork, but I've never seen anyone draw Red Band so spot on before. Look at that. Absolutely nailing it over there. That's what you look like, dude. I thought that was a mirror for a second somehow reflecting your perfect face. That's what Red Band... Add a little more weight on the cheeks. Yes.

Fucking unbelievable Chris nailing it over his head. Salute to you. I love it. The paint ads. Oh my goodness. Simon, you have so much charisma that a painting just took over the show while you were up here. Tell us more about you. What's the most interesting thing about your entire life? Most interesting thing about my life...

There's a theme to tonight's show because the first comedian got her first STD at three years old. Have you ever had an STD before? No, not yet. You know what? I do have something weird on my dick, though. Oh. Anyone heard of lichen sclerosis? No. Tell us more. Okay. I tell people it's a birthmark. It sucks. It's Latin for it looks like there's lichen on your cock.

And it's just like pale. It's just a little whiter just on my dick. And it kind of grows a little bit. Oh, fucking disgusting. It is. Yeah. Have you had a doctor look at it before? Or are you just out there on the farms just digging in dirt and fucking living your life? Yeah, I had my dad diagnose it. Is your dad a doctor? No. Oh, okay. Perfect.

All right. Well, Simon, very, very interesting. We're looking at it. Lichen is a condition that causes patchy, discolored, thin skin and usually affects the genital and anal areas. How about your anal area? Now, I can't see all the way back there. I might have to give it a look after the show. Perfect. Wow. What a disgusting-looking disease that is. Not contagious. You can't get it. It's not contagious. But we don't even know if that's it. It could very easily be anything.

You just think it's lichen syndrome. So if you're a doctor, you know. All right. Cole, you're leaving here with a medium-sized joke book. The audience laughed at your set, but trans athletes is kind of an easy subject. I want to hear you talk about more, maybe more about your life next time or something. Real perspective. There you go. Simon Perkovich, everybody. For sure. Thank you so much. Thank you. On to the next one we go.

You guys having fun out there? Do you get it? You're in it. Anything can happen. Last week, we coined a brand new golden ticket winner. I mean, anything can happen. Your next comedian goes by the name of Seth Shepard, everybody. Seth Shepard is your fourth bucket full, fifth comedian. Howdy, everybody. My name is Seth Shepard. I'm from eastern Kentucky. Being from such a place means I come with an accent.

An accent, mind you, that is mildly inconvenient depending on the circumstance. For instance, I know a fair amount of Spanish. I just try not to speak it because it just sounds like a hate crime coming out of this mouth. Buenos dias, senor. Means good day, mister. Coming from me, though, it sounds about as friendly as a soft crackling of a burning cross. Thank y'all so much. This is almost a dated joke, I guess, because the election is over, but... Did y'all hear about the mechanic shop that the Harrison Waltz campaign...

Keep going. Was trying to come out with. They mostly do electrical work and radiator work, but their real specialty was rebuilding trannies. There you go.

Very tranny, heavy episode tonight. Seth Shepard. Welcome, Seth. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is less than my 10th time on stage. This is less than my 10th time. You sound like a guy that's like 50 years older than you. How old are you? I'm 27. God damn it. God damn it, Tony. I'm only 11 years old. I've been sounding like this my whole goddamn life. My first words were objection.

My dad gave me my first cigarette when I was four. Is that true? Yes, sir. Wow, look at this episode. STDs at three, cigarettes at four. What the fuck? This bucket is contaminated tonight. He said, if you keep puffing, it won't go out. We're a Marlboro family. Wow, absolutely incredible. That is the most Kentucky shit I've ever heard of in my life. Do you still live in eastern Kentucky? No, sir. I moved here at the end of September. Well, by God, the end of September. Yeah.

Unbelievable. We went from the dude to the guy that narrates the Big Lebowski. And that was the story of the dude. I have always wanted to do voiceover work. Yes, sir. You have a great narrator voice. It is incredible, powerful stuff. So...

What the hell was I going to say? How long ago did you move here again? The end of September. I was working a dog shit job and just didn't get time to get up on stage. I quit it last Saturday. Paid rent up to the end of January. Boom. Yes, sir. There you go. So here you go. What's your living situation? What are you living in? A studio apartment by myself. Amazing. Amazing. You have a job here yet? I quit it last Saturday. You quit the job here in Austin? Yes, sir. What was that job? It was a general manager spot for a...

A chain pizza restaurant. What was the chain? Papa John's. It was awful. Yep. It was great. Papa John's. They've fallen downhill. You would know. Our senior pizza correspondent, Brian Redband. Since Papa left, it's not the same. Yep.

Yep, Papa's got a brand new bag. Absolutely incredible. How have they fallen off exactly, senior pizza correspondent Brian Redman? It's just not the same anymore. It's bad when Domino's is beating it. Wow. What's the edge? It's just less garlic sauce? Yeah, I think it is. The peppers are all horrible now. They're not saying the N-word anymore. Yeah. No more N-words. The peppers are bad. If we only knew a farmer that could help them with that.

So Seth, what are you looking to do now? You're done being a GM at Papa John's. What's next for you? What kind of job are you looking for? My rent is paid up to the end of January, so I'm hoping for a job at maybe one of the clubs or...

Or if there's a farm locally that needs pigs killed, I've got guns. There's a lot of fucking farmers here tonight. Yes, sir. Wow. Incredible. Do you have experience farming? Yes, sir. We grow back at Dad's house. We grow whatever you can think of. Mushrooms, watermelons, anything. Why did you say watermelon second? I've been trying to work on a joke about how I get asked a lot of the same questions as inner city black kids because I'm from Kentucky and everybody's like, how often do you eat fried chicken? I'm like, oh.

I love the voice that you have for normal people. That was incredible. You really think very low of us. Of us non-accent people. Well, where can I get some fried chicken? Make us sound like real dumbasses. Deep Madness has to take a watermelon break now. Racist! Oh, he said watermelon. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. At a political rally. Oh, God.

He heard it twice and was like, I gotta get out of here. I love it. So, what do you really think? I mean, you're not gonna get a job farming. What can we really do for you? Anything need be done. I'm trying to get a job over at Mr. Red Band's club. Mr. Red Band. I've never heard him be called that before. Been working with this motherfucker for... He used to call me that at Papa John's every time I was here.

Where's your noise? Give me your noise. That's a fucking good one. Where is it at? There it is. Mr. Red Band. Oh my God. Make sure those peppers are extra peppy. Mr. Red Band put in an order.

Why don't you fucking help this guy get a job? Did you put an application in? Yes, sir. I'll remember and see. I don't know if we're hiring, but I'll look at it. Why don't we just say it? Next person to get fired or that needs to get hired, let's move them to the top of the list. We might be hiring, so I don't know. There you go. I'm going to make sure somebody gets fired there in the next couple weeks.

I can't remember. How was your fucking set? Kentucky, and then I wrote the letters. S-A, big? Welcome to the, welcome to Austin, Seth. Big joke, but fill it up. I don't know what's going on anymore.

Such a compelling interview. Seth Shepard, his name's getting written down by Red Band. The motherfucker's going to end up at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. And you're going to see him one day and you're going to go, I remember, that's the guy with the thick old accent.

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All right. Is our guy ready over there? Yeah, great. You guys are in for it. This is it. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Not easy at all.

to move the crowd once a week for 60 seconds. Basically gives you an hour special every year. He's a fucking prodigy at his age, at his experience, to be this goddamn good, this cool, and such a great friend. Make some noise for the great and powerful Cam Patterson! - What's up? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That last guy had like a slave owner voice.

It's very terrible. You know what's crazy? I went to a Colorado Buffalo game recently, and I had on the uniform. I had like a jacket on. And a bunch of white people just thought I was a recruit, and that was the funniest shit ever. They're like, he can't be here to read. It's not a reader. It's a running back. Nigga, this is crazy. And it was cool, because I was in line the whole time. One lady was like, are you going to go here? Are you going to come here? I was like, I might. I'm thinking about it a little bit.

I got three schools lined up right now. It's Florida, Georgia, and here, you feel me? And then she was like, "But you can't beat these views." And I wanted to be funny, so I was like, "You can't beat the white bitches." And then I walked off, and she was very confused. She was thoroughly confused. I also watched the Mike Tyson fight, and that was terrible. But listen, my favorite part about the whole fight was before, when they asked him how the fight was gonna go, and he said, "Fish is victory." And he turned around, and his ass was out, right?

Anybody else in this room, as a grown man, a room with other grown men, if you have your ass out, that's gay, right? But for Mike Tyson, that might have been the straightest shit I've ever seen in my life, you know? It was crazy. I'll tell you one thing. The cameraman, right, the cameraman, when he turned around, it was like a full view of the room, right? And then he zooted on his ass.

Now that guy gay as fuck. No, that's... I've been caring about that guy so much. He was saying... That is how you do it. What's up? Fuck yeah. That was fun, man. This is good. I'm happy. You've done it again. Talking about your weekend in...

Colorado and topical stuff. You take what you do and what you see and you immediately recycle it into great material. 100%. A fucking machine. You were in Colorado on Saturday? Hell yeah. I was there since Wednesday. I did seven shows. Thank y'all. You know what I'm saying? Wow. Seven shows. That shows a real blessing, bro. Real blessing. Amazing. You got to meet Dion? Hell yeah. I froze like a motherfucker, boy. Yeah.

You what? I broke, like, his manager's a big friend. Like, he liked the show and shit. So, like, he said, come out, you know what I'm saying? Who's the fan? His manager. One of his managers. Oh, wow. And so I went to the practice. I seen everything. And I met him, and I was like, what's up, Mr. Neon? I was saying. Yeah.

I could have got cut from the team. I was really nervous, but I was happy. I was happy to be there. I only know you met Dion because I got a text from your dad who always updates me on the highlights of your career when you're on the road. I was on the road at the same exact time doing a show in Southern California to...

Amazing, amazing time. Shout out to Fantasy Springs and Indio. Had a big, big, crazy, extremely Latino turnout. Anyway...

And I get a text from your dad who always updates me, you know, he just did this, he just did that, thanks to you, da-da-da-da. And so what was Deon like? The funniest shit, my dad, you know, that's like my dad hero, nigga. So my dad was like, I'm gonna talk to him. He was on the plane, like, thinking of like a plan, what to say, and he got in and he was like, hey, Deon, I'm ready. And then Deon was like, for what? And my dad was like, I ain't think that far ahead into the conversation.

I want you all ready. I want you all ready as fuck. That's all it was. Did your dad and Dion compare their fucked up feet? Nah, they should have. That would have been fucking funny.

That would have been funny as shit. But you know what's funny? My dad got his toes done. Can we talk about it so much? He got pedicured? Yeah, so people will see them and they don't look bad no more. Oh, wow. He don't got like slave feet no more. Damn. I can't believe a pedicure solved that. He needs a fucking chiropractor on those feet. Crack those toes back to where they belong. They were pointed every direction. There's no real way for you guys. It's really just for me and Cam. I get a picture of him. I get a picture of him.

I get a picture of them toes. Do we have an old picture of it? Yeah, we get an old picture of them toes. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Let's zoom in on that pic like Mike Tyson's ass. I want the people to see exactly. I mean, the toes are just, they look like they're like palm trees, like growing out other directions.

They terrible, though. It is incredible. My mom always said, because we got the same feet, you feel me? My mom would always say, if he didn't claim you as your son, then you tore your toes, and that's how you get it done. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. We got the same feet. The good news is I've never seen your feet. Even if you're wearing sandals or flip-flops, you always keep socks on them. Absolutely. No, there's no way I'm having him pull those things out. Nobody ever seen my feet. Everybody in this room would die right now, I swear to God. Yeah.

I don't want to do it. I don't want to find out the cam is 5% Falcon.

Is it good? I can tell D's kind of has fucked up feet just by the way he's laughing at all this. It is a black person thing. It's not like racist to say the stereotype that's true. I'm looking at a lot of Texans that drove an hour and a half to be here from the country just like, wait, what? That's a thing? But it's a thing, right? They all look very confused. I would not agree or disagree. I'll tell you that much. It is a thing. I don't know.

I don't know all black people's feet. My mama got good feet. No weird shit. The women, the women, it's different. That sounded pretty weird when I said it. My mama probably got good feet. I don't know. Fuck it, I don't fucking know. Who knows? Do you have a picture of those? Huh? No, no, hell no. Fuck, fuck no. Are you fucking kidding? No. My mama ain't got, she don't even got feet, nigga. She just float and shit. She just be float. That's all she do, she float.

She don't got feet, titties, or ass. She has a fucking rare sunshine. That's what my mama is. She a fucking spectacle of a person. It's not even real. She has a voice. That's all she is. She a voice.

She's not a real person. I love it. You guys have seen Cam Patterson before? Tommy? Sean? I mean, I love Cam. Do you remember when I pretended to be you? Huh? Do you remember when I pretended to be you on that blindfolded show? Yes, we did a dating show. I don't think they were buying it, to be honest with you guys. Let's see it. What was it like? Wait, explain the premise. There was a blindfolded show? It was a blind dating show. Okay. I was an anonymous contestant.

I mean, there's not much to it. I just walked out. I said, hey, everybody, I'm Cam Patterson. I'm wearing flip flops right now. I swear to God, I'm black as hell. I'm not lying. And they weren't buying it. I don't know why, but they weren't buying it. Somehow it didn't work for some reason. They didn't like it. We accidentally said it. They don't like it right now either. They don't enjoy it right now. Fuck wrong with you niggas. Okay. They seem very scared now.

Thank you, Ken. I got your back, nigga. You're fantastic. Every week, the hat gravitates farther to the back of your head. Is there something holding that on? There's not a pin? It's magic? It's black magic? Hell yeah. How is that staying on? Can you show the side angle to the humans out there? It doesn't really make any sense. Yeah, yeah.

I got good hair. I swear to God, we are three weeks away from that thing just being on the back of your neck sideways. Does it come with a wig? Huh? Does it come with a wig? What the fuck are you talking about, Redman? Look at the picture of Redman in the corner over there if you want to feel it. Look dead.

The late, great Red Band over there. That's him after being found in a river. Somehow his hat stayed on the whole time as well. That's Rigamortis, man. What is this? Rigamortis? Rigamortis? Rigamortis. Rigamortis. Rigamortis. That be kicking in. Yeah, yeah. Let's see your feet. Let's see your feet. Fuck you, Red Band.

I bet it looks like five dead ETs. Remember when he's in the water? I bet it looks like five of those. You said ETs? Yeah. Wow. I'm 25. I've never seen that movie, nigga. Fuck! Fuck ET. Yeah. Fuck ET. Yeah, fuck ET, nigga. That's right. Absolutely. Fuck extraterrestrials and shit. Hell yeah. If you ran into ET, I know what you would do. You would steal his bicycle.

Nah, smoke what you teed at, it'd be cool. There is nobody like you, buddy. I don't know if there's anybody I love quite as much as you. The great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. All right, on and on we go. Where we stop? Who the fuck knows? Oh, this is very exciting. This young lady has been on this show before. We are in for a special treat with a great interview agent.

60 seconds uninterrupted. This is the return of Juanita, everybody. Juanita is back. How many of you Kill Tony people are unvaccinated? Don't get it. Don't get the vaccine. I'm transgender now. Didn't happen until after a second booster and a Bud Light. Drink Shiner. Keep it local.

Sometimes I like to go to gender reveal parties and drown the room in negative energy. Fucking no! Get the fuck...

Fuck yeah. Juanita, I got to tell you, I was excited to see your name. You've been on this show a couple times before. I was excited to see your name because I was looking immediately forward to the interview and the jokes that were going to happen. But I got to tell you, that's the best minute you've ever had by far on the show. I love to see...

You doing acknowledging being trans, owning it, and fucking talking about it. That's fun. It's always interesting to me. And I think the last time you were on, if I remember correctly, you didn't quite cover it, right? And I was kind of like in the interview trying to hint at talking about it this time. It's guns a-blazing.

you're definitely trans. There's no doubt about it. I just thought it was really fucking obvious. It is. It is. That's what I'm saying. It's best that you acknowledge it instead of me going, so anything else about you? Juanita? I thought you were going to be like, so what does your dick look like? Well, what does it look like? I'd say you're more of a Juan than a Nita.

- Hey, that's my dad name. You nailed it. - You were a Juan. - Yeah. - And now you're Juan gone. - Yeah, Juan is gone. - So what's it like? When did you realize that you prefer being a woman or you are a woman or whatever you are, whatever it is? - I'm a lady. - Hell yeah. - Sort of. My entire life. - He's a lady. He's a lady.

Yeah, my entire life, since I was a little kid. Really? Yeah, it was a huge secret, and then I didn't actually transition until I was like 30. Okay. How old are you now? 36. 36. And you've been in Texas for how long? Since I was six. Right. Where were you before then? I was born in Mexico. Okay. Born in Mexico. And you're here, so you are a transplant. She went to prison and ended all that.

Wait, hold on. What, Sean? If she went to prison, she could have got it for free. That's true. Oh, shit. It's cheaper in Mexico, though. Sorry, I don't want to get too long. Dude, I should have stolen more stuff. Yeah. I could have had a pussy. Juanita, what do you do for work?

Right now I'm unemployed. Anybody got a job? Oh my goodness gracious. But I'm collecting unemployment. I worked for like a tech company doing translations and then they had the same. Translations? Are you serious? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Wow. Wow.

So you were translating Spanish to English? Okay. Incredible. Are you looking for a job now? Yeah, like bartending or doing whatever. You know how to bartend? Yeah. Okay. What's one of your favorite drinks to make?

Just like a classic, actual martini, so stirred, not shaken. Gin, dry, lemon twist. Are there any special trans drinks that you make? Like an Unsurely Temple or a... She makes a martini and pours it into a Miller Lite bottle. I get my boyfriend to come and put it in a bottle. You make a mean, used-to-be-a-Man-hattan. I'm gonna...

Next bar job, yeah, I'm gonna fucking do that. Oh, yes. Express yourself, Martini. Guys? Oh, I love it. I love it. Juanita, what else? What are some hobbies? What else are you into when you're not doing stand-up comedy? I like doing impressions, and I like to paint. Okay. Huh? I said you don't say. God damn it, Gardini.

You know I love you. No, I love you too. What are you doing after this? Hell yeah. I'm kind of into gingers. You're into gingers? I was just kidding. I hope not. Oh, that's amazing. I love it. Paint your back, dude.

- So I gotta know these impressions. I gotta see some impressions from the lovely Juanita. I'm so excited about this. - I like doing a, what's her name, Nicole Tran. - Oh, Nicole Tran from Kill Tony. - Damn it, I keep doing this. - Wow, I've never heard anybody do a Nicole Tran impression. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Juanita doing Nicole Tran, which by the way has the word Tran in her name.

Just a fun fact for those of you hearing the translator transplant. That's a Tran doing Nicole Tran. Can't make it up. Ladies and gentlemen, here's Juanita doing Nicole Tran. - When I was a kid, we did not play ding dong ditch. We just ditch our friend ding dong. - That's very good. Very good.

That is what Nicole Tran sounds like. I have a good Ty Rivera, too. Wow, okay. Who else? What else do you got? I'm trying to think. Oh, like Jennifer Coolidge. Okay, let's hear Jennifer Coolidge. I'm doing jokes right now. That one's not as good. Okay, anybody else you can think of, Juanita? Nope, John D's throwing out a request. Samuel L. Jackson.

Here she is. It's kind of hard to just get thrown an impression, but we're throwing you. Let's see. We're throwing it right at you, Juanita. Motherfucker, do you know what a royale with cheese is? Wow. Do it again, but this time untuck your cock from between your legs. No, don't do it, Juanita. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Juanita, you are so cool. There is like this, there's like a, you know, a stereotype, I guess, out there that trans people are all woke and annoying and this and that, and you fucking... I get in trouble for being racist. Tell me about it, baby. Juanita, Juanita. What's your love life like? Tell us more. You're into gingers? I want to know what your butt fucking... All right.

The last experience I had was kind of embarrassing. I was working for a show on 6th, and this really kind of handsome, younger guy, he walked by and he gave me eyes, and was like, "You should go in our show!" And so we let him in the show, and I performed, I got off stage, he hugged me, and then made out with him.

And he goes, "I don't think Mithra's gonna like this." - You don't think what? - He said, "I don't think Mithra is gonna like this." - What the fuck's Mithra? - That's what I said. I was like, "Who the fuck is Mithra?" - Oh, is it me? - And he goes, "Oh, she's the goddess. "Her and Yeshua, they guide me." I was like, "Are you homeless?" And he was like, "Yeah." I was like... - Wow. - Fuck! - Wow.

Somehow he was no homo and no homo at the same time. That is incredible. Yes homo and no homo. Would you say he was transient? Yes, absolutely.

For those of you marking off trans bingo cards tonight, everybody's won, no doubt about it. It is bingo across the boards. So you made out with a homeless guy, and then what happened? - No, I sent him home. - Oh. - I have a more interesting one. - What? - Just outside, back outside. - You kicked him to the curb. You sent him home. - I dropped him in his shopping cart, fucking pushed him down a hill.

It does seem like you have some, you know, you seem like a, you know, an offensive line woman.

So like, do you throw boys around? Like what are you, what's your style? No, I like the big ones. You like big guys to throw you around? Yeah. Right. I have a more interesting one. Okay. Rick Diaz showed me what vanish mode was on Instagram. He showed me his wiener. Wow. Well, I don't know if it was big or if it just looked big in his pan's labyrinth hand choking it. Wow. But it seemed big.

My goodness, it seems absolutely disgusting. I'm fucking hungry as hell, dude. I'm starving. Poor Rick. Wow. Well, I mean, I'll tell you why he would do it. He's obviously a little horny European boy. Yeah. Juanita. Can I have his golden ticket? Juanita. No. Juanita. Juanita.

What is a typical day like for you? How does it start? Do you wake up feeling like a woman? Yeah. Are you kind of like... Fuck, another fucking Monday shit. God damn it. And you're like... Hey, the thing again. I was going to say, I do have Shania Twain as an alarm clock just to remember. Right. Don't forget your lady.

Does it ever play in slow motion? It's like, feel like a lady. All right, Juanita, you have a joke book? I have a little one. Well, guess what? Fuck yes! Boom! Juanita, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Good old Texas trans. You know what I'm saying? We fucking big and bulky, help you move. Type of lady that'll help you move a couch.

There we go. For those of you whose dicks have gone into your stomach, there's the lovely Heidi to bring it back out a little bit. The old piece of ginger after the trans sushi we just had up here. All right.

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Make some notes for your next comedian.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Dusty Keith, everybody. Dusty Keith is next on Kill Tony. Tony doesn't seem to recognize my name. I couldn't forget those hot pink rubber clown lips if I tried. Damn, they haunt me.

Man, I get the shaky memory, though. Her senses were rattled by many a headboard and man's pelvis back in the day during her whoring times. And she's transitioned since. I'm sorry to deadname you. But, yeah, like me and the frat gentleman were admiring her two-dick mouth, yet three-dick throat. You know, we measure things with what we have on hand down in the South. And in a fever, she slammed down her sea breeze, dislocated her jaw, and enveloped the three thickest frat gentlemen in the room.

It was one of those incredible moments where time seems to slow down as things come together. I witnessed it then, it was a dingularity. If need be, Tanya here could dislocate her jaw and envelop an entire frozen turkey. Let's all go down to the HEB so you can show them your merchandise, girl. Still got a few seconds, huh? She earned a good name back in the day. Manaconda for those moments. Thank you.

Okay, Dusty Keith. Was that about me? Yeah. Okay. That was confusing because there was just a trans person on stage. I thought maybe you were trying to riff about her. It was all completely indecipherable. She was running on this big tall guy the first day I was here five months ago. Nothing you say makes any fucking sense, Dusty. The girl, the trans girl. Just take your time. Breathe a little bit, Dusty. Yeah.

Dusty, Dusty, Dusty. So what was that supposed to be? It was just a story about back in the day, but I thought it'd be funny. Back in the day, but a made-up story. A made-up story. About back in the day with me. Yeah. Okay. How do you think it went, Dusty? Horrible. Right. Do you do stand-up? Yeah, I do. What?

How long have you been doing it? It's been a year and five months. A year and five months. Where have you been doing it at? Raleigh, Richmond, Newport News. And you thought...

To come out guns a-blazing and tell a made-up story about me. I said I couldn't forget those hot pink rubber clown lips if I tried. I thought it would land, but oh well. We heard you the first time. I know, I know, I know. Me, I have hot pink rubber clown lips is what you're saying. Okay, these look hot pink. You look like Peter Pan kissed a rat trap.

I don't know. I have beautiful lips, Dusty. My lips are a very, very tough thing to make fun of. They're pouty. They're unbelievably beautiful. Very plump. Heidi's giving me a thumbs up, which means...

Pretty, pretty manly. We're good, Dusty. We're good. But you took a shot at it. What have you tried to write about? You came up here. A bunch of self-rose. I've got like a bunch. Like, I'm the Mr. Clean Wolverine for a sparkly clean murder scene, you know? Look, yeah, you could have talked about you. There's some white chuckles happening. Yeah. I know.

I actually have done pretty good at the most. Very, very light chuckles happening. What else? Give us another one of your jokes that you spent a year and five months writing. I look like a Shrek Sabretooth teleporter accident, you know? Uh-huh. All right. I'm stressed. I'm shedding. I got low T. I look like Chewbacca on chemo. Okay, there you go. Look, you moved the crowd. I know.

I'm trying to help you here, Dusty. You came out here thinking you were going to crush the old fucking king on his throne. And here I am showing mercy on you, Dusty. Here I am. Here I am. I see you trying to cook up some things for this hairy balding. I'm not cooking up anything. There's no real point in making fun of somebody that, you know. You're right. Give it up for Bom Marine.

- Did he write that? - I don't, I'm sorry. - I actually, I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up! - Did he slide you a note? Dusty, what do you do for work? - I'm a crossing guard over here, but I haven't-- - You're a crossing guard? - Yeah. - Holy shit, dude, this is amazing.

Oh my god, did you graduate from high school? Yeah, I got a Bachelor of Science in Applied Physics. You graduated from college? Worked for the big three: General Dynamics, Raytheon, Lockheed Martin. What happened? Uh, I don't like war. Really? Womp womp. That's incredible since you look like the guy from Platoon. No, not Platoon. Fucking, god damn it. Did he write that? Oh, you son of a bitch!

It's the fucking wrong movie. The fucking wrong movie. It's not easy. Sometimes we slip up. What's the fucking movie I'm trying to think of? Full Metal Jacket. Full Metal Jacket. Full Metal Jacket, not fucking Platoon. Son of a bitch. Did he say he liked porn? That's why he got out of it? I have no idea. Red Band. And he becomes a crossing guard? He doesn't like war or Red Band? Yes, there you go. Thank you, Red Band. So Dusty.

I'm going to get you out of here super soon. You gave up on all that. You don't like war, but you do like being a crossing guard? Well, I'm just doing minimal stuff to get on here, you know. To get on here? I thought I would kill, bro. Oh, boy. I don't know.

All right, Dusty. Well, when you say minimal stuff, that means you're doing something other than being a crossing guard? Yeah, I'm doing minimal, like, superintendent stuff around this, like, bee cave place I'm renting. Do you have any jokes that aren't about the way you look or me? Year and five months. I want to hear one joke. I'm going to give you a shot.

to do one quick joke. It's kind of long, but... Okay, forget it. There's a new Titanic coming out. It's not too long. Forget it. I'll keep it 30. The Titanic's coming out soon, you know? The what? Yeah, the Titanic's being rebuilt, and it's better to, like, set off for launch. And everybody's too focused on, like, the worst day, the big tragedy, but no one focuses on the greatest day of shark life ever, bro. Like... Okay, here's a little joke book, Dusty. Oh!

- Wow, amazing. Even unfunny all the way to the absolute last breath. There you go, put the mic in the mic stand, Dusty. There he goes, Dusty Keith. I mean, how hard can you bomb? That is incredible. No bueno. Juanita's about to eat him alive. All right, let's get a little palate cleanser in here. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, not a regular, not a golden ticket winner.

Just a fucking character that I like to throw in the mix every once in a while. Some people love him. Some people hate him. One of the most polarizing figures in the history of the show. But as of last time he was on this show, we're watching him get better and better. According to that, we'll see how it goes tonight. Make some fucking noise for the one and only, the return of Uncle Lazer. We did it!

Tony Henscliff did it! He got Trump elected! Boy went all the way down to the Madison Square Garden. Talk about at the Republican party, talk about the Puerto Ricans. Came back with a, what they call a tiny joke book. That was crazy. When I went up there to get a tiny joke book, listen. I didn't know there was 500,000 Puerto Ricans in Pennsylvania. I didn't know there was 500,000 Puerto Ricos in Puerto Rico. Okay.

Island of trash, remember? And I didn't even watch the election. I was worried. It got a little hairy there for a minute, Tony, didn't it? I mean, my God. Only way I knew it was over, I saw Hinchcliffe crawl out of Rogan's garage. He saw this shadow that meant four more years of Trump. You know what I'm talking about? Now listen here! One man's trash is another man's treasure. And I dated me a Puerto Rican there. And let me tell y'all something. UTI in Spanish is the same in English, okay? She told me she had two pussies.

Well, that second one smelled like shit. All right, Uncle Lazer trying, being able to do what Dusty Keith could not. I feel like if you're going to do it, do it clever. Come at him in a... I dated a Puerto Rican. Clever. You said nothing I haven't seen in my Twitter mentions over the past two weeks. Adorable. Adorable. Hey, he won. We're safe, though. Yeah. Yeah, we are. How are you, Uncle Lazer? How's it going, bud? Oh, it's all hitting him at once right now.

They're all hitting him at once. He should have done the other minute. He should have done the other minute that he had planned. I mean, look, we had to go out to Puerto Rico. No one talked about it. I was like, we got to come out. Somebody got to be the heel here. Can I get a sip of beer, dude? Thank you. No, don't. Laser. Actually, I'm sober, dude. You're what? Sober. Okay. No one believes you.

Tell us about you. This is two comedians in a row talking about me. I love you. How are you, Uncle Laser? I'm good. Listen, I did this. My hair. Well, I went to the Halloween party there. Where? It was in L.A., Beverly Hills. Okay. Went to this little OnlyFans Halloween. It was $10,000 first place for Halloween costume, you know, if you got the best costume. It turns out, put a little eyeliner on, bleach that hair, not that far from Joe Exotic. Okay, so...

So I went after it, right? And I'm like, I'm going to get first place for sure. But when I got there, it was like OnlyFans party. And this couple was dressed up like Avatar people. They was in the blue. And you know how they connect with their tails, you know, in the movie.

This motherfucker took us to see Alice because he was inside of her the entire party, walking around. And they pulled us on stage. I got, like, second place. And then the guy that threw the party with the pillow talk guy, he come out, and he's dressed like Gene Wilder from Willy Wonka, and he got a couple midgets with him. They're dressed like Oompa Loompas. I said, this is cool, you know. And they come out singing a song. Make the story a little longer. Keep going.

Anyways, a platform came up out of nowhere. 14 butt-ass naked women come out of this platform. They start fucking and blowing these midgets. And I can show you the video. I'm not even lying. And I'm like, have I taken too many drugs or not enough? You know, because it wasn't just a song. It was an hour and 45 minutes. And I got third place. And now I look like this. Sober. Too many drugs are not enough. But yet he's completely sober.

You don't even realize you confess your sins. What's that on your arm? What do you got there on your elbow? I got the tennis elbow. Really? Which is retarded because I don't even like tennis. You know what I'm saying? Nah, I watched a goddamn Jake Paul and Mike Tyson fight. I bet my life savings on Mike Tyson, you know. Punched the fucking TV because he didn't even show up. Listen, I'm going to advocate for something, Tony, real quick, if you don't mind. Yeah.

Now, hold on. Hold on. Listen, I know he likes fighting them old men. Okay, and that's fine if you're into that. I'm into old women. Not a big deal. But we need a good old American boy that ain't going to throw a fight for no $20,000 purse. I get it, too. I'd look like half of Iron Mike if they were going to give me $20 million. But I need somebody that's not swayed by money, okay? I need a good, hard-blooded American young man. To do what?

To fight Jake Paul? To fuck Jake Paul. No, to fight Jake Paul. So I brought a friend of mine out. If you don't mind, he's going to call him out on the national TV right here. Okay. You have a friend. I got a friend. Now, he just retired, but he got a full head of hair now. And Jake Paul said he wanted to get in MMA. Well, why fight Conor McGregor at 34? Why not fight Cowboy Donald Cerrone at 42 years of age? Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

UFC legend, future UFC Hall of Famer, Cowboy Cerrone, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. One of the all-time greats. 48 fights under his belt, UFC fucking legend, Cowboy Cerrone. Welcome, Cowboy. Thank you, Austin. I appreciate it. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Is this true, what I'm hearing? Are you calling out Jake Paul right now? I mean, if the guy wants to come to MMA, I'll gladly whip his fucking ass. Wow.

I am coming out of retirement. I have two more fights in our contract, so I want 50 UFC fights. That's the number. So I have two before July to get done, and I'm going to go out and give it hell. And if Jake wants to jump in line for the ass we've been trained, he can jump on and give me all the money. Fuck yeah, you heard it here. Goddamn Cowboy Cerrone here in the capital of Texas. The baddest cowboy of them all. We're happy to have you here, Mr. Cerrone.

An absolute pleasure. And I'm looking forward to Jake Paul's response here. I know he's definitely not going to want to go UFC against you. Would you be willing to go boxing with him? No, I'm fucking terrible at boxing. I have no head movement. I need to take him down and whip his ass. I saw the McGregor fight. I know. You don't have to tell me.

God damn it. God damn it. Well, Cowboy, it is such an honor. We've had some of the greatest UFC fighters ever do cameos and pop in on this show, and it's an honor to add you to the list. Fuck you, Jake Paul. Fuck you, Jake Paul. Make some noise for Cowboy Cerrone and Uncle Laser, everybody. Come on. Cowboy Cerrone. Fucking legend. You got to pee? Go pee. It's okay. Okay.

Sean Gardini about to pee his little pantsies. I try to tell these guys, go pee before the show. You have to pee? - No, I'm good. - You're doing good. All right, your next comedian, 60 seconds uninterrupted, right out of the bucket. We're gonna meet him together. Make some noise for Edgar R. Edgar R. - So I've been sober for about a year.

Thank you. I don't really have much going on with my life, so getting off drugs is probably the best thing I've ever done so far. But I don't know if you can tell, but I used to smoke meth. And don't knock it before you try it. Because once you try it, you can't knock it. Yeah, I smoked way too much meth. But yeah, I was just really hanging out with the wrong crowd. I was always at the trap house.

And just, if you can imagine it, it's a dark, smoky room. Not unlike this one. And as you pan from left to right, you see drug dealers, gangsters, homeless people. And then there's me in the corner with an acoustic guitar, a smile on my face asking if anyone has any song requests. Did not fit in. But yeah, thanks for that.

I met my girlfriend online through it. It was one of those apps. It wasn't Bumble. It wasn't Tinder. It was, oh yeah, it was an NA Zoom meeting for X-Addicts. I heard that. All right. Edgar R. Hello, Edgar. Hi. Hi. Hello. How's it going? Pretty good. So you did math. Yes.

Yes, I did. A lot of it. Okay. How long did you do it for? How old are you? 33. You're 33. How long were you on meth for? Like seven years. Wow. Seven years. Breaking. Brown. What ethnicity are you? I'm a Salvadorian. El Salvadorian. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Is that a...

Is that a thing with the El Salvadorians? Oh, yeah. They love meth. Oh, yeah. You said it. Yes, sir. I'm the poster child. It wasn't me. I don't fuck with these islands anymore. Is it an island? No. Perfect. I got myself on that one. So seven years. How does it start? How does a sweet little Edgar like you end up starting crystal meth? Kind of, you know,

You just hang around the right dive bar in San Fernando Valley. They'll offer it to you over the bar. Okay. So you were just at the wrong bar. The wrong bar. I'm sorry. I was talking about his outfit. Let's talk about it. It looks like you just woke up in a lost and found box. It is incredible. You're dressed for the cold night.

Heat and cold. It really is. This is absolutely incredible. Do you wear hats like that a lot, Edgar? Mostly for work and for fun. Okay, mostly for fun. I could see that. I could see that. You look like a sweet little labradoodle right now.

The old El Salvadorian labradoodle. Yes, sir. What do you do for work? I'm a material handler for Tesla. You work at Tesla? Yeah. Look at that. Wow. Do you think you still work for Tesla? No. Probably not after this. It's okay. So next week. I got one more week. You'll be fine. Elon Musk doesn't like laying anybody off. The good news is it's a short rocket trip back to El Salvador. Oh, yeah.

So Edgar, you said you wear the hat for fun. What do you like to do for fun? Used to be drugs. Now it's... I play music and I try to do stand-up as much as I can. How long have you been playing music for? Like longer than the meth. Wow! What do you do musically? I play guitar, bass, drums and piano. I shouldn't have said that. Which one do you do the best? What was that? What do you think you do the best?

Guitar and drums. Okay, let's do let's do guitar. Let's get that guitar up here. We have a special guitar We're gonna see if Edgar can play. Wow. This was fast this time. Great job. How about a hand for our amazing production team here? Yoni, Kristi, Colt, Monica, everybody. Jesus, Josh, Aya, Heidi. Okay, you ready?

Let's try to let him go on his own a little bit and then you guys join in whenever but like give him a little bit. I want to see if this guy sinks or swims over here. My guess is he swims. Oh yeah. You better sing too motherfucker. You gotta sing.

What's going on? Hold on. Do you have anything? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on one second. YouTube does a thing where they flag everything. My bad. And literally all the money from this episode is going to go to Sublime. If you continue to do what you're doing. Do you have anything kind of original? Can you do something? Do you do anything that isn't covers? Yeah, I got some originals. I don't know if they're funny. Well, here we go. One, two, one, two, three, four.

All right, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, go. I don't hear any way you came.

♪ So leave it all ♪ - All right, all right, I'm gonna stop you there. That was good, that was good. That was good. John, that's enough, that's enough. You're killing it, John. - I liked his song better than the Sublime cover. - Yeah, no, I know, that's true. Matt Muehling, who only speaks once every four episodes, just made a really good point that your original was better than the Sublime cover. - Thank you. - Yeah. There's the lovely Heidi to take your guitar away. - Thank you, Heidi.

Thank you, band. Don't look at Heidi's ass like that, Edgar. Jesus Christ, you could have watched it on YouTube. You had to look like that live? Just like that? Boy, you really are into instant gratification. What are you, a former meth head?

No, still current. It never goes away. Do you still get the urge to do meth sometimes? No, I get more of an urge to sign up for Kill Tony. How often do you sign up for Kill Tony? Every week. How long have you been doing that? Since I moved to Texas in February. I miss Sundays because I work Mondays. We don't do it on Sundays, so that's perfect that you miss Sundays. Yeah.

What do you mean? No, I just meant like I work a really intense schedule. So being here, I'm losing sleep. Right. Well, that's amazing. So did you have fun? Was it worth it? Oh, yeah. It finally paid off. But I mean, it's not just for this one. Thank you. Who do you think that is that Chris is drawing over there in the corner? Do you want to take a guess? Is it that gay guy who's always showing up?

That is the correct answer. It's the gay guy that's always showing up. Stop it. Is it him? Look at that. He took a little bit off your cheek because you complained. He doesn't even look like me now. He did. He added some green. He tried to take some of that cheek away. Now you look like you have Bell's palsy. It's just like a droopy. That's Red Band if he would have just kept getting vaccinated. You were a couple vaxes away from that, Red Band. Look at that. Oh, God. I'd love it if your cheek drooped like that.

I love it. Edgar, before we let you go, craziest thing we would be shocked to know about you other than the meth thing. You ever have anything crazy happen? You ever almost die? Oh, yeah. Save someone's life? Anything crazy? Yeah. A lot of stuff. But, yeah, I got my car. I had a car rental when I was on meth, and I got jacked by some gangsters, and some other gangsters got my back, and we went at gunpoint to go get my car back. Wow. Goddamn. Wow.

God damn, Edgar. You have a wild life, my friend. Well, we are going to start you off with a little joke book. Keep signing up. Write a new minute and let's see what happens. Make some noise for Edgar, ladies and gentlemen. All right. We're getting there. We're almost to the finish line.

This looks like a fun name. I don't believe this person's been on before. 60 seconds uninterrupted to what I do believe will be your final bucket pool of the show. Make some noise for De La Stoner, everybody. De La Stoner. Yo, what's going on, everybody? Name's De La Stoner. I recently stopped smoking blunts. I decided to start smoking joints now. And, uh...

But it's weird though, whenever I hang out with some friends, they'll pass me a blunt and I'll grab it and I'll look at it. But like in my head, I don't want to smoke it. So I just pass it back to them. And so in my head, I'm thinking, do they think I'm racist? And it really doesn't help that my black friend is the one that's passing me the blunt. And I was like, damn, I think he may think I'm racist. The first time I told my mom that I smoked weed, I thought she was going to be really happy about it.

And it wasn't. She started crying, and she told me, I wish you would have told me you were gay instead. I was like, wow. And then I had my aunt next to me, and she said, fuck yeah, Miko, I'm proud of you. Thank you, guys. My time. Dayla Stoner. You must have been high as shit when you wrote that material.

Yeah, I was high on some cheesecake when I wrote that one. That's the type of marijuana where you were literally eating cheesecake. It could be either one.

What is that on your hat? The world wants to know. Is that a weed grinder? No, this is an empty dab bucket for anybody that smokes dabs. Wow, you are a true stoner. And that is a joint behind your ear. This is a joint, yep. It's a real hemp on the tip as well. Amazing. And what is that inside of your necklace there? This is fake dabs, so just decorations. So this is your entire identity.

Your name is Dayla Stoner. Your minute was all about smoking weed. You're covered in paraphernalia. I mean, this is incredible. He's like a joint that fell on a barbershop floor. What are you doing? Deez, what the fuck are you doing? The joint's attached to the head. I got the real one in the bag. Oh, cool.

And then you can't smoke his hat, Deez. So dare I ask what you do for work? I recently just quit my job this summer. What was the job that you quit? I worked for Kohl's Call Center. Did customer service. Kohl's the store? Yeah, dude. K-O-H-L-S? Yeah, if you're calling for customer service, you were getting this guy high as fuck. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Just a bunch of moms like, "I bought the wrong pant size for my husband's pants. Do you have different pants?" You have no idea. It's so bad. And you're like, "Listen, bitch." I don't know what the fuck you want me to do. I used to put people on hold just to hit the bong real quick and then go back and take the calls. Would you do that? You did it from home?

Yes. You worked at a Kohl's call center. Yeah, after COVID, we went home. Right. And I was smoking really heavy back home. So you quit that job. Did you save up some money? No, because I did content. I do content. What kind of content? Stoner content, comedy content.

On what? TikTok, Instagram, Facebook. You make money from that? I make money from doing promos for dispensaries and stuff. Okay. So you survive off that. You still live with your family? Oh, no. No, you live by yourself? I live with my girlfriend. Okay. What does she do? She works in collections in a call center. Okay. She also works in a call center. Yeah. Is she a big stoner as well?

Yes. Right. She's going to hate that I said that. Why? I mean, it would be crazy if she was sober. Yeah, right. And fucking you covered in paraphernalia. I would save so much weed. Yeah, it seems like it. Is it true that you don't smoke blunts anymore or was that just all to get to that racist joke?

No, I actually really did stop smoking blunts back in February. By racist joke, I mean joke about him being a racist, not that it was a racist joke. There's no such thing as a racist joke. Just, there's racial jokes, but by rule, if it's a joke, it can't possibly be racist. Just a little something. Just a little something to remember. Unless it ends in the N-word. Not me. Anyway. Dayla Stoner. So...

I mean, geez, what would we be surprised to know about you? Is there any time you don't smoke weed? Is there times where you forgot to smoke weed? I don't really smoke in the morning because I'll eat like a 500 milligram the night before, so I wake up still high. Is that true? Are you exaggerating? No, yeah, for real. 500 milligram edible you'll eat before bed? Yeah, and I'll just have fun with it. Do you just piss and shit all over yourself? What happens?

No. I can't even fucking imagine. It's a lot of fun. It's one of my favorite things to do when I'm not doing like content or comedy, just to get really high like that. Say hunting? Comedy or content. Oh, comedy or content. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So a 500 milligram edible. So if you do that, you don't have to smoke in the morning because you're still high from the night before. So when do you typically have your first smoke of the day? Oh,

Right before I got to go get my girlfriend lunch. You get your girlfriend lunch every day. Since I'm not working, I just sleep in, wake up high, and I'm like, cool, I'll take a shower, still stoned. And then whenever it's a hard lunch time, I leave. At least you shower. That's incredible. That's actually shocking. I'm a clean stoner sometimes. That is amazing. That is amazing. So, again, has there ever been a time where you didn't smoke weed?

- Yeah, before I was like 21. - What happens, what happens do you think, what would happen, let's just say you didn't do an edible tonight, what would happen if you went tomorrow and just didn't smoke anything? What do you think you would think about? How do you think your day would be different? - Oh, I would definitely think about weed for sure if I wasn't gonna smoke.

I wouldn't go nowhere because all my friends smoke weed and so I'm just like, well you know what, my girlfriend smokes too. So I would just probably just chill in the car all day. Just go to your car and sit in it? Just chill, yeah, because I'll be tempted to smoke.

That would make you, anybody would want to smoke weed if they're just sitting in a car. That's probably the worst thing you could do. Yeah, that's true. I'd probably end up smoking. Yeah, that's true. There's nothing you could do to not smoke weed. Red Band? How much a day do you spend on weed, would you say? Well, since I do content, not as much anymore because they kind of just like give it to me. Have you ever taken just like two or three days off to reset so you can spend like five bucks a day? No, not at all. Okay. What? What?

Like, I know so many people that smoke every day. Like, hey, I'm like, go crazy all day. If you just take a couple days off, you reset your tolerance, and then you could smoke one joint and be high as fuck. Like, I always wonder why people don't do that. Have you ever thought about doing that with food? Goddamn.

Let's check in with the picture of Brian Redband over there. Oh, your eye got bigger. Your right eye is now bigger. It's drooping now. It's changing. This is going to be the most famous piece of art in Kill Tony history, by the way. We're going to do a live auction after this. Taking dick off for a day. No sound effect for you after that one.

Dayla Stoner, I implore you. You got to fucking. I want to hear jokes about things other than just weed. Like, it's cool and all, but you got to have some versatility. You know what I mean? Like, you got to have some range and stuff. Definitely work on that, Herb. Thank you. Do not use this as rolling papers. Here's a little joke book. Make some noise for Dayla Stoner, ladies and gentlemen. All right.

This is it. This is the part of the show that I mean, this is it. This has been a full episode. We've done it. We've ran it. This is the part where I see the audience looking around, tapping their loved ones, making eye contact because this is the only way to possibly end an episode like this. It is with the record holder for all-time appearances, all-time interviews on this show. The man has done it all.

every single week writing and performing a new minute for over long over half a decade you know his parents you know his brothers ladies and gentlemen I present to you the Virginia ham the Delaware donkey the Memphis strangler the vanilla gorilla this is the big red machine William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen

I watched the Jake Paul, Mike Tyson fight this past weekend. And say what you will about Jake Paul, but the guy works hard. I mean, seriously, he already has another Netflix event scheduled for May, but this time it's a one-on-one basketball. First to 20 wins $10 million, and his opponent is none other than Kobe Bryant? Yeah.

uh this is my impression of an alien out in them fuck let me do that one more time let me start that one more time this is my impression of an alien outing themselves as an alien uh doctor i have a hair ache okay i heard you know like a person would say headache maybe but an alien wouldn't know exactly what to say i heard

I heard Santa might come early this year. The bad news, Boeing built his sleigh. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Fantastic. So silly. So William Montgomery. Right down the barrel. Boeing might build his sleigh. St. Nicholas. So quick. You have grown into quite the specialist. Topical, evergreen. These jokes, some of them will work forever.

Was that a little chimpanzee? That did sound like that lady was against you. It sounded like there's a lady over there that doesn't like you. Lady, show yourself. Who was that? Who laughed like that? Raise your hand.

We have a little coward out there, William. Yeah, we got a little fucking bitch out there. Yeah, bitch. I mean, seriously. What do you think it's fucking easy yet, Tony? It's my six-year anniversary is in a couple of weeks. It's in December. Of being on this show. So, yeah, bitch, that's every fucking week almost for six fucking years. Yeah. You probably have never done anything in your life for six years, bitch. Yeah.

That is the basic equivalent, basically, of six one-hour specials. I mean, if you count the interview, which usually runs probably about six to eight minutes, I mean, one could almost say that that's fucking, like, basically... What's your take on that, Red Band? Do you agree? 51-hour specials. What do you think, Red Band? I think you write more comedy than any comedian in the world.

Well, I'm trying. Sometimes it's a disaster. Sometimes it's a disaster up here. I don't know if you noticed, he said he thinks you've read comedy more than anybody in the world, meaning that you look off a note card. I didn't say that. You didn't say read? No. Oh.

There's monitors and audio issues up here. Because, yeah, we actually ate dinner together last night, so I would be very offended if you tried to come in my fucking ass right now. I bought dessert for you guys. Did you know that? Yes. Did they tell you that? Yes. Oh, my gosh. It was a wonderful Bananas Foster. They lit it on fire in front of us. Yeah. It was wonderful. The great people over there let me know that you guys were there. I said, let me buy them dessert.

So literally the least I could do. Well, Red Band told me. There was a moment there where I'm like, maybe I should pick up the whole tab for these guys. But they said that there was another couple there, and I don't know if they're fucking haters or not. And then I found out, yeah, it's two of my other best friends, and I wish that I would have. But I didn't want any. I don't know if you guys are hanging out with fucking libtards over there. I know you guys are a little bit. Tony, you got to come with us next time, would you?

Are you coming with us next time? Are you inviting me to dinner? Yes, I'd love to. Let's do it. It's been a little while. We need to. How many of you think I should have dinner with these guys next time? Seriously. I freaking invite his ass to church every fucking Sunday. He doesn't come to church with me on Sunday.

What do you do at church exactly? Hallelujah. A bunch of that. Such a hallelujah. Yeah, I grew up in a Pentecostal church. I grew up with speaking in tongues. Can you give us an example of the tongues that you speak in?

Keep going. Keep going. I love who? I love who? No, I don't feel it right now. Okay, you don't feel good. I feel in a good mood, but I don't feel it right now. Because I've been in a kind of a crummy mood recently, Tony. Tell us more about this crummy mood you've been in. Well, I think it does start with, what is funny, sir? I'm having a good time.

Like, it's not fun feeling down. Do you ever feel down? Every day. Seriously? Yes. Is it because you're gay? No, I'm kidding! Wow. I just, I like drag shows, and you look like somebody before they dress into the woman. Like, you look like...

Because I can tell you'd be a good-looking woman if you did dress up in drag. I can tell you'd probably be a hot woman. Listen, you're right. So that was actually a compliment. It really was. Okay, I got a compliment for you. Huh? I got a compliment for you. Okay. How tall are you? I don't know. Six foot. Six foot. Yeah. I wish I was six feet and every inch of me looked like the hue of a pig's asshole.

Hold on! Hold on! Just another arrow. I thought we were done. I thought we were done. I was smiling at you. That's a fucking random shot. I don't know why you took a shot at me. Everything's fine.

I took a shot at you because, Tony, I haven't been feeling that well. You would be proud of me if you understood Call of Duty, and I know you don't. That's smart that you don't, but, Tony, I almost have diamond camouflage on 15 of my weapons right now. Wow, that's amazing, really. Diamond camouflage, 15 weapons. It's kind of a big deal. I've been playing so much. How close are you to diamond camouflage?

You almost have it? Is that what you said? I have it on 15 of my weapons right now. Oh, I don't understand anything that you're saying. It's a big deal. Have you beaten the game yet? No, it's like there's no beating a game. There's no end to the game? Yeah, you just play online and you can play forever. Wow, so the war just goes on forever. What is this, the Biden administration? Yeah.

I'm sorry. I can hear your complaints already. Oh, he's political now. Trump said he doesn't even know him. Yeah, he had to say that, didn't he? Didn't he have to say that? Oh, we won. Anyway, no big deal.

Are we good with that thing, Christie? Okay, ladies and gentlemen, William, I want you to stay up here because I want you to do something we've never done before in the show's history because, you know, sometimes, I'm going to be honest with you, sometimes we do this show every week. Sometimes I don't even, I forget to shout out Chris. Sometimes I don't even notice he's painting. There's so much going on. But tonight has been a special night, hasn't it, Red Band? Yeah.

It's been a real special night. And William, for the first time ever, you know, this show is wild. It's very improvised. I want you to be an auctioneer for the first time ever. Chris, come out here. Chris Rogers, local artist. Wow, look at this wildebeest. Wildebeest of a painting. Oh, Brian, you look beautiful. It literally does look just like Red Band. I'm making jokes. There's no right way to paint a Red Band painting.

It is a tough face. It changes a lot. It's very round. Is that what you think that looks like? Okay. Can we turn up house lights just a little bit? Can you give it that red tinge for my stand up? There it is. All right. So here's what we're going to do. You actually have to have the money that you bid.

You have to be honest about it. No lies. And William, why don't you start it? Start the bidding. Do I hear $50? $50. There's a lot of 50s. Do I hear $75? Do I hear $75? Do I hear $100? Do I hear $100? Do I hear $150? Again, you actually have to have the money. $250. Do I hear $250? $250.

Keep going, William. If they say yes, you keep going higher. 300. I have 300. I think someone's bidding up on the balcony. Is that correct? 300. 350. 350. 350. Okay, keep going higher, William. 400. 400. 400. Wow. 400. 400. Keep going fucking, William. 450. 450. 450. Welcome to the world's worst auction. You have to keep going higher, William.

$500. He just said. $500. $500. Is there somebody at the top? Wait, is that Cowboy Cerrone? Bid $600. Holy shit. $600. Oh my God.

Oh, my God. Is there anyone going to top? Who's going up against Cowboy Cerrone in here? 600. We got a 650. All the men just crawled into the fetal position. They just got alpha'd by a man in the tower over here. Whoa, 650. Holy shit. We have a true fan. This guy won something to be able to hang on his bedroom wall so that when he's about to come too fast, he can glance at it.

This picture of Red Band, nothing will stop you from coming. Like thinking about this beautiful face of the man that I've worked with for almost 18 years. Okay. So what? 650. Does anyone want to top 650? No way. Oh my God. Cowboy just said seven. Who said a thousand? You have a thousand?

Jesus Josh just bet $1,000. Okay, $1,000. Oh, my God. This is incredible. $1,000. Oh, my God. $1,000. Are you going to compete with $1,000? Can't compete. Cowboy's out. Cowboy Cerrone. He doesn't know why it's not worth $1,000. Wait, there's somebody who's got it. $1,000. $1,100? $1,100 right now. $1,500, Jesus Josh says. $1,500.

This is amazing. By the way, just to let you know, Chris, we're giving 20% of tonight's donations to the landfills in Puerto Rico. Just a heads up. They have a serious landfill problem for over a decade. I'm one of the only people in the world that knew about it up until three weeks ago. Thank you very much. $1,500. Anybody want to top $1,500? You'll be a legend. You'll get a shot. What?

Oh my God, 2,000. We got 2,000. Holy shit, out of nowhere. 2,000 out of nowhere. Oh my God, what's your name, sir? Eli has bet 2,000. Oh my God, Jesus Josh is out. Okay. Jesus Josh is the guy that takes care of D Madness. I guess he's clearly been stealing money from D's wallet.

Red band's gonna sign. Are you sure you have 2,000? Eli, you're a hero. Is there anything you want to give a shout out to or anything? Okay, a man of mystery. Anybody gonna beat 2,000? Going once, going twice. This is, I do believe, 200, no, $400 going to Puerto Rican landfills. $2,000 total.

Sold to the great Eli for $2,000. Wow. How about a hand for Chris Rogers? Red band being a great sport. The legend killer, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. And we did it. How about a hand for Tommy Pope? Check out Stuff Island with his co-host, Chris O'Connor. One more time for the great Sean Gardini.

He's on tour at Cleveland, Buffalo, Baltimore, Tampa, SeanGardini.com. These are the dogs. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. This is what it looks like. Thank you to Zippix and ExpressVPN. Here's some amazing Zippix nicotine toothpicks. We want to thank you, Zippix. This episode is indeed sponsored by Zippix. Who wants some? These are great on airplanes and whatnot. They are an amazing sponsor. We absolutely love them.

Shout out one more time for the great Cowboy Cerrone challenging Jake Paul tonight. Martin Phillips, Cam Patterson, William Montgomery. We did it again, everybody. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, our guests, the comedy mothership. Business is booming. Big announcement's coming.

Make sure you buckle up and get ready for the HEB Center. Two sold-out arenas. Two sold-out arenas at the end of the year. That stream is going up for sale. If it's not already, very soon you could buy the weekend package. A little Christmas gift for those of you...

that love your husbands or boyfriends. Get them the two-night New Year's Eve package. Red Band? Check out Jet's Pizza. It's way better than Papa John's. Thank you. Wow. Thank you, everybody. We love you. Good night. God bless Texas, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you.

Bye.