#693 - JEFF DYE + RICK GLASSMAN
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Make some noise for Redman, ladies and gentlemen. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Grooveline Horns, Raul Vallejo, fucking Carlos Sosa, and Fernando Castillo on the horns tonight. Michael Gonzalez on the drums tonight.

Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this is indeed D Madness on the bass guitar, live in the flesh, the one and the only. This is indeed still the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony brought to you by Squarespace, Blue Chew, Prize Picks, Game Time, Talkspace, and Zippix. Who would have guessed? More sponsors than ever.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? This is going to be a fun one. These are two guys that I've worked with for literally 17 goddamn years at the Comedy Store all around LA and all around the country. Make some noise for two of my favorite comedians, Rick Glassman and Jeff Dye. Yeah, baby. Rick Glassman. Jeff Dye. We're going to have some fun tonight.

Very, very excited about this. The boys are back in town. Hello. Welcome. Good evening. Hi, Rick Glassman. A little. He's very silly, folks. Get ready for the silliness of Rick Glassman. He's a wild little boy. Very goofy. I'm prepping them for you. Yeah. Thanks. It really takes the air out of it when you say that. It's like my girlfriend's parents in high school. He's a nice guy.

How about a hand for Jeff Dye, ladies and gentlemen? He's here. Thank you. Thanks for having me, brother. We're going to have fun. You guys have both been on this show before. You know how it works. Over 226 comedians signed up tonight in this bucket. They are lined up at a bar across the street. If I pull one of their names out, how about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Isn't it great? The sausage fest that we have here.

It's nice to have some fucking meat sauce in the mix. I don't know if that makes any sense. Meat sauce and sausage doesn't really mix well together. Some peppers, some spicy peppers up here with all the sausage. Anyway, if I pull their name out of the bucket, we wrangle them from across the street.

And they get 60 seconds on this stage uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them and the first name is pulled. I conduct an interview with them. We find out more about them. Anything can happen. Stars are born on this show. Giant embarrassments happen on this show. The whole thing's improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode? Oh, no!

Well, let the fun begin, ladies and gentlemen. This has been a big, crazy week.

There has been a lot that has happened. The best week! A presidential election. A lot of fun stuff happening. And there's a lot of talk about immigration and our borders and becoming a citizen here in the United States of America. But I can damn well guarantee that after this long week that we've had, that this first comedian doing a minute for you tonight will indeed...

become a citizen of the United States of America. Ladies and gentlemen, to start tonight's show, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Mati! Hello. Any ladies here on OnlyFans? If you're not on OnlyFans, you are stupid. It's free money! Upload that pussy!

Sometimes I see a homeless lady on 6th street, I'm like "lady, you don't need to be here!" "You're sitting on oil, lady!" "Upload!" "Hosey!" I have a friend, he's dating one of those OnlyFans girls and when they started dating he made her quit OnlyFans. And he's one of those crypto "meh, the future!" Now they're in a one bedroom apartment with two cats. What an idiot!

Dude, if I ever get a wife, a wife, kids, I don't give a fuck. Every pussy in this household is going online. Stand still, baby girl. We need a new kitchen. I'm like the Vince McMahon of pussy. This is a family business. Thank you very much. All right, Matty, showing us how it's done.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, Ari. What's up, my friend? Happy you're alive. Me too. Me too. Fun week, huh? How's it affected you? How do you feel about it? Well, I'm a bit nervous about these immigration comments. Hey, Mr. Donald, I'm white. Please, mister, remember.

I'm coming from the other side of the border. You have a good face for immigration. It is true. Are you genuinely concerned or you feel good about things? Well, yeah. I mean, they're all saying get him out and there's a new guy and you know, like... I mean, you're kind of like a... You didn't like come across a border or anything, right? No. You just flew in. Yeah. Passports were checked. Yeah. Well, when you hit that note, I don't know if it's believable.

That's fun. Do you have any friends that are concerned? Are there a lot of Estonian... No, I'm the only one here, so... Okay, perfect. And keep the rest out. As soon as I get in here, close up the border, Donald! We're fucking full! Fuck off, we're full! Talked a lot about OnlyFans during your set. Do you subscribe to anybody's OnlyFans? I actually... I do. Some pussy's so cheap there, it's crazy.

It's like $2.95 with the weekend special. You're like, what the fuck? At that point as a lady, aren't you offended that your pussy's cheaper than a Snickers bar? And you can subscribe, jack off, cancel, free. You got behoove-a-bitch.

OnlyFans is something, because it makes you pay. You can't get what you want on free porn sites? Yeah, but there's that excitement. You see what I mean? Anyway, Ari, a fantastic set. I tried my first Twinkie yesterday. Your first Twinkie? Twinkie.

Okay. Not you. Right. I mean... Twinkie, yeah. Red Band tried to make it a kindergarten fucking joke. The thing with the cream. Yeah. How did you feel about your first Twinkie? I see why you guys are fat. Yeah. What a cute name for a heinous result. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

It really is. Twinkie block! Pretty sure RFK Jr. is about to label it with fentanyl. I don't think Twinkies are going to be that available in the very near future, Jeff. Are you talking about actual Twinkies? Twinkie. It's the cream that's in the middle.

It's a hell of an adjustment. OnlyFans this, and then a fucking Twinkie joke. Yeah. Straight into it. I thought it was something I didn't know from porn or something. You're just talking about actual Twinkies. Actual Twinkie. I tried it yesterday. Apparently a big thing. What made you try it? A black guy offered it to me. A black guy? Yeah. A black... Hey, what up? Want a Twinkie? Yeah. How did this happen? Anything a black man offers, I accept. Wow. Been there.

I got three words for this room. That is... That's right. That is... That is correct. Ari, Matty, you've done it again. Thank you so much. Another amazing new minute. Donald Trump! Make some fucking noise for Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. And now things...

Get wild because we are going to meet someone together. Perhaps they've been on before. Perhaps it's their first time. This is a very common name, so it could be either or on this one. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. One minute uninterrupted as we meet them all together. It is Carlos Lopez, everybody. Make some noise for Carlos Lopez. Oh, we know Carlos. Look at this. It's that Carlos Lopez. Howdy.

So I had some pipes break in my house this last freeze. I went down to the hardware store to grab some parts. When I walk in, the first employee I find is trans. I don't want to be a fucking bigot. So I treat them like anyone else and ask for help. They/them ask me if the parts I need are male or female. Me being a smart ass, I'm like, "Well, what are my other options?" They/them said, "Buddy, don't get me started. You think your plumbing's fucked up? My dick's in a jar."

Thank you. Wow. Carlos Lopez. I fucking love it. Congratulations. A rock solid minute. What is this? Your third time on the show? Yes, sir. Number three. That is incredible. And you just started a few months ago, right? Correct. Yes, sir. Amazing. Not here. Fantastic. You're goddamn right. I remember it well. You made me a belt buckle. I sure did. Hell yeah. I wore it on the Brady roast. That's awesome. I love to hear that. Fuck yeah. Good to see you, Carlos. Thank you.

It's a big-ass, baller-ass belt buckle. It's got my name on it. Austin, Texas. It's fucking so cool. Carlos, how's life been treating you? Man, it's been wild. Learning comedy. Yeah. Learning to crawl before I could even walk. That's right.

I know they don't recommend everybody come up here their first time and I understand why now, you know, you get offered shows and stuff. And so I've been trying to trying to catch my pace, you know, figure it out. Yeah. Fantastic. So you've been doing a lot of work, a lot of open mics. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. And you drive trucks for a living. I haul horses for a living. Yes, sir. You haul horses for a living. Absolutely. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. I know one horse that's getting hauled out of D.C. in a couple of months. Oh, shit.

Anyway, how has this election affected you, Carlos Lopez? You seem like the kind of guy that fucking voted four times in different states. Our border's gonna get a little bit safer. I'm from the border, so I'm happy about that. Oh, yeah, that's good for you, right? Oh, yeah. Even though your name's Carlos Lopez, you're excited about this. It's my type of Carlos. Hell, yeah. I'm Mexican the same way I have a big dick. For some people, it's too much.

I'll say it, and I know this is on me. I know this is on me. I don't understand, and I really want to. Could you say it differently? You're Mexican, like you have a big dick, and then you said something else about... You remind me of the... Have you been on Shark Tank? Have I been to Shark Tank? Have you guys seen the Shark Tank where the guy's watering trees, and they're like, why don't you charge $10? And he's like, because we're talking about farmers. And they all start crying. Oh, yeah. You got that kind of dick energy, dude. Yeah. Or just energy. Energy.

It could be. Is it too much? Because some people it is. No, it's fantastic. That's what I didn't get. It's great, Carlos. Indeed. So you're saying you do have a big deck? For some people. That makes sense. Not for this panel. That's a great answer.

Yeah! Suck my dick! Suck my dick! Because of the type of audience that this is. Absolutely. That'll be the last time I yes-and any improv with Rick. You went into my dick. It wasn't like I shoved your fucking head down here. You can't suck my dick and then be like, Rick sucks! I'm just happy I'm not the gay one for a change. Very aggressive.

So, Carlos, what else is going on? What have you been doing for fun in your life? Tell us the life of a horse-hauling country boy. Man, I've just been out here hauling horses and causing divorces, you know? This guy's a fucking machine. The man is a machine. What's your love life like, Carlos? You're out there hauling that horse cock around.

No, I got a beautiful girlfriend at home. You do? Yes, sir. What does she do for a living? She works for a law firm doing law stuff. Yeah, that sounds about right. That's the kind of answer only a horse hauler could give.

He said you made him a belt buckle. How does that work? You make belt buckles? I had a belt buckle. I got a belt buckle guy that makes belt buckles. That's some real fucking, it's some Texas shit. He does that? He should just do that. Yeah, they don't do that in L.A. No one's like, hey, thank you for the opportunity. I got you a gift. In L.A., they're like, what about me? I want more. Here, it's like, hey, thank you. He was a real fucking class act, a real gentleman about it. Again, it's a badass belt buckle. Anyway.

It's just things dudes with huge cocks do for other people. I predict as Tony gets more and more successful that the belt will get larger and larger. It is. Between your ego and your love of wrestling, it's going to be a fucking huge belt. It's true. It's going to be crown jewel size belt for sure. No doubt about it. I actually can't fit in the door with the one that I have prepared for 2025 right now.

Carlos Lopez, amazing stuff. You are doing a great fucking job, man. You have a natural swagger, too. Your delivery is incredible. You're a real fucking gentleman and a class act. Appreciate that. Great stuff, Carlos. There he goes, Carlos Lopez. Thank you. And it goes on and on. Oh, yeah, the Mexicans know what's up. These horn players, they got their favorites. That is true music.

That is true bias Mexican music you're listening to.

Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. Now, you're probably asking yourself, does Blue Chew work? And if you're asking that question, we want you to know that Blue Chew is putting their money where their mouth is by giving you a month free. Blue Chew is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, but at a fraction of the cost and in a chewable form. The process is simple. Sign up at bluechew.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you can get a free

You'll receive your prescription within days. Blue Chew tablets are made in the USA and prepared and shipped directly to your door. The best part, it's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. You can take them anytime, day or night, so you can plan ahead or be ready whenever an opportunity arises, Red Band. Tony, I love Blue Chew. They're providing some really great ED treatment for men everywhere. If you don't get some, you could be missing out.

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Blue Chew wants to make men rock hard. Let us make you hard. Help us help you. They told me that's the mission. They will not stop until every man is bricked up like a brick house, till every tent is pitched, till every rod is raised. Discover your options at bluechew.com. We got a special deal for our audience. Try Blue Chew free. Pay $5 shipping at checkout when you visit bluechew.com. That's bluechew.com to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring Kill Tony.

Sometimes life is hard and you should be too. Blue Chew.

and people helping truckers fill up and get maintenance at our convenient locations. They're part of the more than 300,000 jobs BP supports across the country. Learn more at BP.com/investinginamerica. I think it's about to switch to white, ladies and gentlemen, by the looks of this name. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut. I'd remember this name if I've seen it before of Maverick McWilliams, everybody. Maverick McWilliams. Hello. Oh, my gosh.

I was on the way here. I was talking to one of my best friends. Boys, you know what it's like when you have a guy best friend? Just the biggest piece of shit you know, right? Like you'd never let him date your daughter, but you'd fucking die for him, right? I was on the way here. He was like, what are you doing, man? I'm going to see a show. He goes, oh, nice, man. What band are you going to see? I was like, no, it's a comedy show. He goes, oh, fuck, you're still doing that bullshit? I was like, do you need something? He goes, yeah, quick question. What's the gayest thing you've done lately? I was like, I don't know what Alex told you, but he's a fucking liar.

It was cold on that camping trip, and I don't give a fuck if it was in July, all right? We had to cuddle for warmth, okay? And it got me thinking, man. I was like, what is the gayest thing I do? And it's definitely fucking put on chapstick, blue eyes. Think about it, dude. You can't look assertive putting on fucking chapstick. You can't be at a goddamn mechanic shop and be like, hey, I'm not paying a goddamn dime over $1,500 for this transmission. You quote me at $2,000? Fuck that. Button up. I'll do it with my goddamn self. Let's go, asshole. Put it in. Thank you. All right. Maverick McWilliams.

How's it going, Maverick? Good, Tony. How are you? Is that your real name? From birth, yeah. Wow, that's a real fucking, that's a real name. Maverick McWilliams. Yeah. Hell yeah. What else do you do in life with a name like Maverick? Well, I've kind of had a weird life, man. I'm a failed child actor. That's a... Ooh. Yeah, don't ooh. What the fuck? I love it.

Like, ooh, failed dreams. We love that around here. Were you on anything we'd remember? Yeah, I got my SAG card when I was like 10. I was in The Spy Next Door with Jackie Chan. The what? The Spy Next Door. The Spy Next Door? Yeah, it was on Netflix. I got a credit. Okay.

What else? What else? Buy next door? A couple national commercials and then the housing crisis hit in 08 and I had to move back to New Mexico. Oh, did you have a good time? Hold on. Stop responding to every noise that the crowd makes, Maverick. Sorry, dude. My bad. We're up here, Maverick. Yeah.

My dad was a contractor in New Mexico, and that's kind of what kept me and my mom in L.A. doing that. And then once his construction business went under, I had to move home and be a normal kid, you know? So you were in L.A. Yeah. Housing crisis hits, and you go to New Mexico. Yeah, where I'm from. So how soon after Spy Next Door was that? This is how fucked up it is. That was the last audition I went on, and it filmed in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, and

And so they were like, hey, you're already fucking head there, dude. Might as well say a couple lines for us when you get there. So it was kind of weird. Did you think to do any background in Breaking Bad? No, but I have a lot of cousins who do meth. So I got a lot of expertise in that shit. It was happening right there. They were filming right there. One of the biggest shows of all time. You never...

No, I mean, when that was all filming, I didn't really have an interest in it. I rodeoed in high school and college, and then I was in the military. I'm a welder and a pipe fitter. I just had a lot of weird shit going on. Hey, sorry about that. Sorry. A lot of man stuff there. Welding, pipe fitting, rodeo. What else? Tell us more about the wildlife of Maverick McWilliams. Well, I was backstage about to go on, and I heard you talking to Carlos about his buckle. I make leather buckles.

stuff like belts wallets things like that cool so what else jesus christ well my social is um no he means like because you said things like that what else with leather oh so yeah so belts wallets no no no not what else i'm sorry i'm sorry i don't know not a surprise i hunt i just killed a 10 point the other day in oklahoma that was pretty cool yeah okay so you're a real man you guys hate that 10 point huh

You drive a truck, Maverick? Right now I do. It's a smaller truck. It's a Tacoma, but yeah. Okay. A Toyota. Well, I've always driven full-size trucks, and then when I started doing more comedy on the road and stuff like that, I wanted something that had better gas mileage, but something I can still kind of hunt with. Okay. Stopped acting. Right. Maybe you should start acting like you could afford a better car, and it'll come to you. Oh, man. What's your love life like, Maverick McWilliams? Do you have the name of a porn star? No.

I have a girlfriend. She's in med school right now in Oklahoma. She's awesome. And we've been together for about a year, so it's going well. Okay. What's her Instagram handle? Daddy wants to take a look. Yeah, it's Miss Glassman. Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, hey! Hey, you don't talk to the panel like that! I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. And you ignore them. Sorry, Tony. Go ahead, bud. You're the man. Thank you, Rick. My buddy, old pal, Rick.

We are doing it tonight. Oh, man. So, Maverick, tell us, what made you start stand-up? How long have you been doing it? I've been doing it eight years. Wow. Yeah. All in New Mexico? No, New Mexico, Oklahoma, then here. And I just moved back to Oklahoma. Oh, you went back? What would make you move from here to Oklahoma? You're going to fucking hate me when I tell you this. I'm joining the fire department here.

You joined the fire department? I'm in the process of joining the fire department here, and it's a six-month academy. And it's really rigorous, and I won't have time to go back home to see my family. So for the holidays and stuff, to see my girlfriend and my dad, I just thought I might spend the last bit of the year. The academy will start early next year. So they're in Oklahoma. Yes. Your girlfriend's in Oklahoma. Yes. Your dad moved from New Mexico to Oklahoma? He's from there originally, but yeah, when him and my mom got divorced, he moved back to Oklahoma.

When did him and your mom get divorced? I was about 13. You were 13? Yes. That makes sense. And what made them get divorced? Did you ever figure it out? You know, I don't want to name drop here. Don't do it. Do it. I opened for Josh Wolf in Oklahoma City, and he asked me the same question. And I think, I mean, they just got married young, got married right out of college. I think they were just two different people. So they never told you? No, I don't know nothing, dude.

How long have you been with this girlfriend of yours? About a year. Okay, you have any special moves in the bedroom, Maverick? Just try my fucking hardest. That's it. What do you do? What's like, when you say... Great answer, Maverick. The people love you. When you say you try your hardest, what exactly does that entail? I'll take it from here. You know, only 86% of women could orgasm penetratively. Less than that. Come on, what are we talking about? Buddy, no it ain't. You know what? Go ahead.

I'm sure we want to hear from this guy. Mr. Let's go, asshole, let's put it in. The other guy got hauling horses, getting divorces, and upload that pussy. And you have let's go, asshole, let's put it in? You ain't affording a full-size SUV. Tony, I'm sorry, you're the man. Let's go back to the question I asked three and a half minutes ago. I'm sorry. What does that entail?

Over here, Rick. Over here. This is one of those moments. It just entails, you know, be a giver. Make sure they're taken care of, I guess. I should be fucking pissed if I was talking about this on the biggest podcast in the world. That's why it's exciting. Yeah. Actually, I'm not good at sex. That's what we probably should have said.

right off the bat. When you say you're not good at it, can you give us an example of what you mean? Just the fastest fuck you've ever seen. Amazing. Is there anything you try to think of to not be so fast? Do you have any tricks to trying to last longer? Have you attempted at all to try to last longer? No, not at all. I don't, yeah, it's just, you know. Because when you try, you can fail, and I don't want to fail her twice in a night, so, yeah. There you go. I love that.

Maverick McWilliams, you're a funny guy. Welcome to the show. There's a big joke book. Thank you. Some real handmade leather from the great Bones Eye. He could have made one himself since he's a leather making, pipe fitting, welding, everything guy. We have a special treat for you right now, ladies and gentlemen. The brand newest Netflix special debuts at midnight tonight. It is called The Dark Queen.

And the Dark Queen herself is here to grace us with her presence, here to do a little bit of stand-up comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, she's been a guest on this show before, here to just flex on us a little bit, make some goddamn noise for the great and powerful Adrienne Iapolucci, everybody. Make some fucking noise for Adrienne. Oh my God, thank you. How are you doing, all right? Yeah? Yeah?

My friend told me a statistic the other day that every minute a woman dies from breast cancer, which is crazy when you think about it because the lines for the women's bathrooms are still so long. You're like, "Hurry up, survivors. Some of us have to pee." Now, look, I have no idea what's going on in the Middle East, which is why I feel like I'm the best person to talk about it.

I want Palestine to be happy, I do. I just, I don't know how to do that. I think they want all of Palestine, or like, from the window to the wall. I don't know the rest of the joke, but it's a song. I don't know. No, I do. I want that to be happy. Has anyone, like, even tried to give Palestine casinos? No, like, look how well it worked for us. The Native Americans are so happy. They love it here.

Maybe we can name some racist teams after them. The Palestinian paragliders. That's just one. I don't know. No. I think Hamas wants to kill the Jews, but they are just limited to Israel, which is not the best way to get your genocide going. Just doing it very grassroots. But if you think about it like that, it kind of just proves there's nothing to really do with the Jews at all. It's just that area of land. Whoever lives there, they'll never get along.

You know, if Asian people lived there, they'd also not like the Asian people. And I know that firsthand because I've lived in the Bronx my whole life and I hate Puerto Ricans. But I would like to propose as a little exchange program where we send the Puerto Ricans to Israel and then we send the Jews to the Bronx and you'll see how quickly the Palestinians beg for the Jews to come back. This music is on. Obviously that's a joke.

I date almost exclusively Hispanic guys. Like, if you look throughout my dating history, it looks like I'm trying to start my own baseball league. All right, that's all I'm doing. Adriana Iappolucci, ladies and gentlemen, the newest special on Netflix, The Dark Queen. Adriana, thank you so much. We love you. Thank you guys for having me. Make some fucking noise for Adriana Iappolucci. Just people dropping in, fucking crushing.

No big deal. Just the newest Netflix special. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Rock Turner. Rock is next. Make some noise for Rock, everybody. Hey, I'm autistic and have ADHD. Great. Yeah. I wish I had you guys in school. You could have popped up any time I said something inappropriate. Like, yay, autism.

We would have confused the shit out of the bullies. But I was just odd and I did unpredictable things. Like, you ever been watching a movie and they randomly break out into song and dance and you're like, this is a weird remake of Training Day. Yeah, that's what it's like hanging out with me. Any random bit of lyric that I hear will set me off. And the tism doesn't keep track of who's been canceled.

So you could go up to me and be like, I believe. And I will cut you off like, I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. Yeah, that's about the reaction that I normally get. Tony? Okay, 57 seconds from Rock Turner. Autistic and ADHD. Yeah.

And you don't need to keep clapping like that. The way he knew the exact time, but a little off, like Chris Rock. Like, the Rocks are good with their time. Someone just broke a glass over their head after the comedy stylings of Rock Turner. Autistic and ADHD came out guns a-blazing like a 22-year-old girl, just with excuses. I'm autistic, I'm ADHD, I believe I can fly.

How old are you, Rock? 41. 41. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since about a year. About a year. Where at? All in Austin area. All in Austin. Is this where you're from? I've been here for 20-something years, so pretty much. What made you move to Austin 20-something years ago? I went to University of Texas. Okay. What do you do for a living? I'm a photographer and videographer. Okay. And you get a lot of work here. You make a living doing that. Yeah. You're good at it. I'm really good at it.

Okay, better than you are at stand-up? 100%. Great. 100%. Perfect. What do you do for fun, Rock? Tell us more about the insides of Rock Turner. You are as funny as a rock. Nice. I play guitar, play video games, do photo and video stuff. I mean, I love doing that shit. I love it. I love it. What other types of things do you talk about in your stand-up comedy?

- My parents, I'm kind of estranged from them, so I got a few jokes about them. - You're estranged from your parents? - Yeah, yeah. - So they've seen you do stand-up before? - No, no, actually, no. - Okay, why are you estranged? Go ahead, Rick. - Well, I just, I feel like estranged means they don't talk to, you can't say estranged if they passed away, can you? Are your parents alive? - Well, yeah, no, they're still alive, yeah. I know I'm old, but not that-- - Tell us why your relationship is strained with your parents. - Just, you know, typical,

Boomer parents beat the shit out of me. They did? Do you think you'd be autistic and ADHD if you were raised differently? I don't know. Maybe. I would think so. I'm pretty sure that I have something called Ehler-Danlos as well. Flexible joints. Hold on. We have to get the information from the people. When I ask them a question, you have to wait until they answer. Tony?

So what the fuck do you think you have? It's other Danlos. It's like a connective tissue thing where you really is. Oh, my God. I thought Rick was one of the odds. You were being serious. I know I'm responsible for the reputation I have. But at some point you have to look at yourself and be like, maybe Rick does know about flexible joints.

Upload that pussy! - Oh yeah. Oh, it's happening. Can you show us some of your condition? Can you, come on, give me some connective tissue music, guys. One, two, three, four. Whoa. Oh my goodness. You know what? If I was your parent, I would have beaten you too.

Really push it to the limit. Yeah, that's true. That's what happens when your parents bend your fingers back when you're a little kid. You end up with... You know, I may not have anything wrong with me except for that thing. What? It was just...

They beat me into flexibility, maybe? Absolutely. That's what I was implying. What's your love life like, Rock? I've been married for almost a decade now. You've been married for a decade. Yeah. Okay. And what does your wife do? She's a photographer, too. Wow. You guys just go around capturing other people thriving. Yeah. Yeah.

Does anyone ever take pictures of you guys? Not really, actually. That's a mistake. It's about to change right now. Oh, it's us. Ah, fuck. Touche, touche. I'm going to have four words. Take this for what you will. Upload that pussy.

- I'm getting it, that's three ways. - Go ahead. - Oh no, if I could be, 'cause sometimes like, I can't tell if you're serious, I wanna have a genuine moment for a minute. And I just wanna say, honestly, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. - Rock, how long have you been, that's enough. - I was gonna do that for a while. - Okay, oh no, it's okay, it's okay. Rock, how long have you been playing guitar for? - 24 years. - 24 years, you know what, do we have that extra guitar, Matt?

Okay, let's plug that shit in. We're about to find out exactly how fucking autistic this guy really is. Oh my goodness. Look at that fucking sledgehammer. You're not supposed to speak to a woman like that. My goodness gracious. Here he goes, ladies and gentlemen. He's ready for his moment. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a little guitar from Rock Turner, everybody. Thank you.

Hold on, ban. Don't save him, ban. All right, I'm going to stop you there, Rob. Tony, I'm going to only say this one. Be nice. Be nice. Dean Madness is roasting him, Rick. I have to jump in. He's got Ellis Dan laws. Have a flexible moral standard. Come on, man. 20-something years. Why don't we ask him to show some of his videography while we're at it? Oh, my God. It hurts.

Maybe it is your fault. No, no, you're the man. The videography is much more impressive, too. I'm sorry. What? The photography and videography is... Is it like Disney World, Disneyland? Like, are you one of those Disney adults? Good question. Is it like Disney Railroad? Great.

Great question from Red Band. Is it like Disney? Never heard of it, sorry. Amazing. Is it against the law to ask that he says what his thing is so I can look at his videos? Sure, plug your video thing. B. Turner Photography and Films. B-T-U-R-N-E-R Photography and Films. And what is your rate? It depends what you're asking for. Hey, that's not the attitude I'm looking for. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

- All right. - $4.50. - Rock, here's a little joke book. Here, oh, one thing at a time there, ADHD. All right, here we go. There goes the guitar and there goes Rock Turner, everybody. Anything can happen on this show. Again, sometimes stars are born. Sometimes it is just a fucking mental health clinic up here. - Sometimes you're stuck between two people with autism.

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All right, it's time for one of the most amazing regulars in the entire show's history, ladies and gentlemen. This guy every single week writes and performs a brand new minute, makes some noise for one of the all-time greats. This is indeed the one and only, the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. What's up, man? I'm getting older and I realize stuff about myself. I realized recently that I'm toxic. I just realized that.

'Cause I got a new girlfriend, and my ex called me out of nowhere, and she was like, "I see you got a new girlfriend, nigga, and I don't care. I just want you to know that if you marry that bitch, I'm gonna be-- I'm gonna have-- I'm gonna come to your wedding with a bomb strapped to my chest." And my dick got hard. I'm like, "What did you say?" I rubbed my nipple and said, "You said what?" My homo was like, "Why would your dick get hard? That's crazy." I was like, "You don't understand, bro. My mom gonna be at my wedding. My dad gonna be at my wedding. My grandma gonna be there. You gonna kill all them for me?"

What you finna wear when you gonna blow my wedding up? You gonna have a thong on me blow my wedding up? Yeah, that's the whole joke. That's all of it. I'm not gonna stop now. I guess I can tell you what I did this week. I went to Akron. That place is terrible. We don't need it. LeBron, the only thing we need out of Akron. I feel like this world is just LeBron's world. Y'all ever think about that? I'm glad I got out of that one. There it goes. We made it.

- I had a hot 30 seconds. - Cam Patterson bringing up the fourth greatest basketball player of all time, LeBron James. I gotta tell you, yeah, no doubt about it. - Wait, what'd he do? What happened? - Tony thinks one, two, and three's Trump. - What the fuck is going on here? - Okay.

Very good, guys. We really went a little wild on that one. Trump doesn't play basketball? What the fuck was that about? It's Jordan. Go ahead. Trump. Jordan. It's Jordan. John Stockton. I knew you were going to throw a white guy in there somewhere. Patrick Ewing. Okay. And then LeBron James. No doubt about it. If you would have asked me two weeks ago, I would have told you he was the second best of all time.

Oh, he did post that bullshit. Man, fuck LeBron James. Goddamn right. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck LeBron James. Pussy ass nigga. LeBron. And you can't say that. I can't say that. Yeah. What you gonna do to that ass? He's okay during the regular season. I want your son stuck, nigga. Fuck Bronny, nigga. So few championships. He just doesn't know how to be a real team leader.

Kobe is ahead of him. Hell yeah. You mentioned Kobe before Stockton. Yeah, no, I- Stockton is crazy. You're right, he's the fifth best basketball player. Stockton is insane though. LeBron is the fifth best basketball player of all time. Stockton? Yeah, Muggsy Bogues. Okay, I'll take Muggsy Bogues because he's black. A lot of people don't know this and this is kind of like your- Stockton actually is known for having- in the locker room having a really big dick. Hey. What the fuck are you- What are we talking about? I'm getting sound bites, bitch. Oh, okay.

- You gotta be a bitch! - I don't know, you got aggressive energy and I know you. - You got aggressive energy. You got aggressive energy. - I'm gonna retreat. My instinct is to wrestle and I know I'm wrong. Tony? - You are indeed wrong. - All right. You got out of two things tonight. - What the fuck does that even mean, man? - I don't understand half of your shit, but funny stuff.

Okay. Rick Glassman. Rick turning up the heat here as the episode goes on. He's getting a little more, a little more, a little more Rick Glassman. All jokes aside, Cam, I think you're fantastic. Good to see you, my man. Good to see you too. There you go. There's the disclaimer. Very good.

So, the interview will continue with Cam Patterson. Here it goes. Cam, how's this week been for you? It's been good, man. Tell us more about Akron. It was terrible. Yeah, it is. It was one of the worst days I've ever been to in my life. It's horrible. Very small city. I'd imagine your agents and managers are trying to squeeze you for everything and take you everywhere. My homeboy, they asked me about it, and I was like, no, at first. When I opened it, my dog Jarrah, he's from Akron.

So I was like, "Why go out there? Can he get to go back home and shit?" And he just had a traumatic experience, really. What happened? He got back home. His middle school was closed down. His elementary school was boarded up.

His childhood home he grew up at burnt to the ground. Wow. We should have stayed the fuck out of Akron is what I think about it. The place is fucking horrible. One guy, can I do this thing at the end of my soul now where I just do therapy with Cam? Because I'm a therapist. I don't even know that I'm a therapist. And so people just ask me questions and I give them solutions, right? And this one guy said, hey man, I live in Akron. What should I do? And I just said, kill yourself. Yeah. You should probably murder yourself and your family and go to heaven. Yep. Get out of here, man. Die.

And I've also been in your hometown, which is not better, right? It's not much better. Northeast Ohio is very... It's the worst place on earth. Yeah, it's very rugged territory. Rick Glassman's from Cleveland. Boy, my arm's tired. Yeah, I hate Ohio, man. Akron, famously the home of Goodyear Tires. Yeah. And LeBron James. Yeah. That's fucked, nigga! Yeah. Now I'm playing, I love you, y'all. Love to see how much he got paid to make that endorsement.

What? Anyway. Oh. Yeah, they took paychecks. I beat Bronny in one-on-one. Y'all don't feel what I'm saying? Fuck y'all too then. Yeah. That's true. That's another thing. His son sucks at basketball. He's the only guy that's been entitled to nepotism in the NBA. You follow basketball, correct?

Yeah. You play basketball, am I correct, Rick Glassman? I played against LeBron. He's annoyingly good at basketball. Yeah. I don't like that I know Rick Glassman so well, and I was like, I'm going to fucking dunk on Rick Glassman. And then I showed up, and you were infinitely better than everyone that was playing. Wait, wait. You played with me too, though, before. Yeah. Who do you think will win? Very average, but I'm tall. He beat you. You think he beat me? Yes, I do. You're a piece of shit. You're a liar. You're an asshole. No, I love it.

- And you go in the hill. - There's no doubt. - Oh, shit! - Cam, there's no-- - What? Super good. I got 100-- I got-- I got 2K on me right now. - I'll take that bet. - I got 2K on me right now. I just want to ask the audience one question here. Do you notice how much he's trying to sell his skills? While I'm just sitting here thinking to myself, "Buddy, I ain't playing Liu unless we got an indoor court, some good air conditioning, and you get me a new pair of shoes."

What is that? Let me ask you guys something. I'd like to plug my video, I Am Phenomenal, on YouTube. Okay, Rick. What if, are you, you're in town tomorrow, right? No. You leave tonight? Technically, I'm in town tomorrow. I thought you meant tomorrow night.

- Okay, so what if I got you guys an indoor gym and we rolled the video right now of the game that you guys play tomorrow? - And we can bet on it. I'll bet on it. - No, Rick, you're saying no? Cam looks excited about this. - I'm down to do it. - Yeah. - I'll put money on it. - Let's do it. - I mean, mate, probably not. - Why do you want to do it? You scared? You seem like you scared, Rick. - You do seem like you're scared. - Wait a minute. You seem like you scared. - I'm never scared. I'll tell you what.

Where did he go? Now I can't see. I didn't know. I was trying to give him a fist bump. Can I say that? Yeah. Anyway. We all saw it. I mean, maybe. Maybe, yeah. Let me know. Let's do it. Tomorrow. What time? 1 p.m. tomorrow. I have to be. I'm doing a podcast at 1 p.m. It would have to be early. Do we have to do it tomorrow? Why don't we do it before this comes out? Why don't you come to L.A.? No. No, you have to play here in Austin. Let's do it, man. It's indoors. Be faster.

Let the record show that if it doesn't happen, if the video doesn't roll after this... Yeah, it's probably not gonna happen. I haven't been playing much. I don't know. If I'm gonna do this in front of a lot of people, I'm gonna want, like... Oh, you're scared? He's scared, man! Wow. That for real, nigga. I'm like that for real, man! Hey, you know what? I was ranked number three in the nation when I was in 12th grade. This is why people are afraid of Akron. You ain't know that? You ain't know that, huh? I'm lying, but it sounds good. Listen, man.

Listen, man. I'm sure you're a good basketball player. If we were to play tomorrow and I haven't been playing much and I hurt myself or whatever, like, if it means that I have to say that you're a better basketball player than me, I won't only say you're a better basketball player than me. I'll say you're a better comedian than me. I think you're a better person all around. I agree with all of that. But there's one more thing I want to say. Live from New York, it's Saturday night. All right. All right.

Rick, relax a little bit. Cam Patterson, thank you so much. There goes Cam Patterson. Wait, wait, wait. I love LeBron James. Oh, a little handshake. A little handshake. All right. What a wild episode. You guys having fun out there? All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Ben Koshaba. Ben Koshaba. Ben Koshiba.

Alright guys, my name's actually Ben Keshaba or Khoshiba if you say it in the original Aramaic dialect. In English, Keshaba just means Sunday. In Spanish, it's pronounced Dejo. My boys on the box team taught me that. They're always like, "Hey, Ben Dejo, hurry up." They're nice guys. One of them was like, "Hey, so you're not Mexican. What are you? Where are you from?" I'm like, "I'm Assyrian." He's like, "Oh, so from Syria." I'm like, "No, no, no. Syrians are from Syria. I'm Assyrian." He's like, "Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm A-Mexican."

Ay, but check it out, once I get married and the paperwork goes through, I'll be American. I know I'm doing a lot of Mexican jokes, but it's only because Mexican jokes are like Mexican people. They always work. Unlike my black jokes, the Arab jokes kill. Some of the more extreme ones bomb. The World War II Japanese pilot jokes never land. Pearl Harbor, you got it, hell yeah.

So me and my girlfriend were arguing the other day, and she just kept going on and on. I'm like, baby, relax. I love you. We can negotiate. She's like, I don't negotiate with terrorists. Super fucking racist, but super fucking funny. I started laughing. All right, Ben, you reached the maximum time limit. The crowd loved it.

How's it going, Ben? So good. Been here like four times to try and get on here from California. Yeah. You're my hero. I love you all. You guys are amazing. I love it. Thank you for saying that. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost a year. Okay. All of it in LA? San Diego. San Diego. Okay. Where are you performing there? Madhouse, Mic Drop, and then a bunch of different bars. You're former military? No. What do you do for work in San Diego? I'm a bartender. Okay. Yep.

All right. You fight. Yeah. Seven and one. Okay. I mean, I'm retired now. I'm retired. Oh, you're retired. Yeah. Why are you retired? Because I'm fat. Okay. Why are you fat? I like to eat. No, I'm...

I just kind of fell off during COVID. No, it's okay. My father never loved me. It's all right. Keep going with your actual answer. You fell off during COVID? During COVID, and then after that, it was just kind of hard to get back. I mean, I'm still training all the time. Right. But... Jiu-jitsu, what are we talking about? Jiu-jitsu, MMA, Muay Thai. Okay. All right. 7-1, yet you're retired.

You just can't cut the weight? No, it's not that. Honestly, uh... Brain damage. Yeah. I'm sorry, what was that? Very good. What else do you do for fun, Ben? I like... What was that? Say what was that again. What was that? Just a punch. I'm sorry. I like to go out, drink, hang out with friends, go to the beach, still train.

Listen to Kill Tony, do stand-up. Uh-huh. Try to make the world a better place. What do you think the most interesting thing about your entire life is other than your fight history? A lot of interesting. All right, so I didn't speak until I was almost three years old. Whoa. And my first words were at church, and I said, I want to be a priest. Wow. And then I hit puberty, and it all changed. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow.

You didn't say anything until you said a full sentence? A full sentence, yeah. 100 or nothing. No, so actually, what ended up, I found out, was I had like something with my ear, so I couldn't hear. And then I had surgery. It was like three months later after the surgery is when I actually spoke. Okay. So you were deaf for a while. I was deaf for a while. Wow. Rick Glassman. Yeah. So did he get lucky? Is that not from fighting? My parents were related, so...

Inbred joke, you know? It's from fighting and wrestling. And then you were deaf, and then that happened after. What was that? I'm joking. He's been taking it out on his ears ever since. Okay. Is that a Freemasons ring? Yeah, I'm a Freemason. My man. All right, just wanted to... So what is your ethnicity exactly? Because Sheba is an interesting last name. What is that? Assyrian, or Chaldean. Okay. Assyrian. Assyrian. You got it. And so you're 100% Syrian?

A Syrian. Sure, whatever. Who gives a fuck? Honestly, I'll be whatever you want, Tony. 100%? 100%. What are your parents like? My mom's a sweetheart. Foreign lady from Iraq. Yeah, how about your dad? Let's talk about it. We're getting into it. My dad was a cool guy growing up. Wasn't always around. Where was he?

I wish I could tell you. I didn't know. He wasn't around. You don't know? Have you talked to him since? Yeah, so he was... I stopped talking to him about like 10 years ago. Why? He wasn't a good dad to me and my sisters, so... Just because he wasn't around sometimes? My dad wasn't a good... I don't know. No, he just... He left. He... Where did he go? He wasn't around.

Again, I wish I could tell you. I think Bay Area, Arizona now, he's married to a Mexican lady. Rick Glassman. Well, we have a surprise for you. Yeah, here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, it is a la Akbar Koshiba, ladies and gentlemen. And here he arrives right now. Hold on. Here he comes. Wait, Rick's got to go grab him. And now here he is, ladies and gentlemen, your father. Baba! Baba!

Habibi. A slightly hairier version of Rick Glassman. Would you like to say some words to your dear son, Mr. Koshiba? It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not-- Stop. It's not your fault. Wow. What a moment between the Koshiba boys, ladies and gentlemen. That was the best hug I ever got from my dad, ever. Wow.

Thank you, Dad. I love you. That is amazing. There he goes. It's not my fault. Back there he goes. Wait, what did he just say? He's yelling at women because he's a Syrian. Oh, it's Rick Glassman, everybody. Look at that. What'd I miss? Somehow your mustache looks thicker without the added mustache. This is incredible. Wait, what do you got there?

Okay. Ben, we're gonna get you out of here. You know what? He's got multiple mustaches, ladies and gentlemen. Guilty, unlike that other loser. I didn't quit acting as a teenager and move to Mexico. I'm a real actor with mustaches, you dork. Why don't you wrestle Cam Patterson to see who has a bigger dick? Fuck off, I'm not wasting my gosh darn time.

The crowd loved your material. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. Here's a big joke book. Ben Kashiba, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. We're flying through them tonight. We have another Lopez, ladies and gentlemen. Ben, get the fuck out of here. Go. All right, there you go. There goes Ben.

Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Eric. Okay, there's the mic adjustment. Thank you. On to the next one we go. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Eric Lopez, everybody. Eric, make some noise for Eric, everyone. All right, guys. So I ended up in Iraq in 2009 fighting for the Taliban. Obviously, I didn't get the 72 virgins. A photo leaked out of me eating some bacon.

But I did the next best thing. I walked into a carpet shop and I told dude, "Yo, you got a magic carpet?" He's like, "No, I only took the last one." But I got this fuck rug. Says, "I like you my friend, 85 bucks." He's like, "You know what? Think about it. You go out on a dinner and a date, you spend over 100 bucks and you still don't get laid. Fuck rug, guaranteed sex." I'm like, "Man, you got anything cheaper?" "Yes, our most popular model, the goat fuck rug. 20 bucks, no goat can resist." And I was like, "Any goat?"

So I need to say I fucked Tom Brady. Funny thing happened, ref stepped in, threw a yellow flag, penalized me for roughing the passer. I knucked that down like three times, and at the end of it, like, yeah, that's how my balls deflated. All right, guys, thank you. Okay, Eric Lopez.

Welcome to the show, Eric. This is your first time here, correct? Actually, I showed up to that old place that burned up, episode three in Austin. Okay, yeah. No, we remember that. That makes sense. Yeah.

that is an old place where we used to do the show. So you were on this show before? Yes, sir. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since that day. You started then and there. Well, it was like my fifth time doing comedy, but let's say around coming up in four years. Yeah. Yep. No doubt. We've been in Austin about four years. That makes sense. That checks out. So what do you do for work, Eric Lopez? I'm a mail carrier.

Really? Yep. Okay. And you're a veteran. Definitely. Okay. Yeah. Not like these other guys that just look like they've been in the military. The guy that looks like he hasn't been in the military was actually in the military. This is incredible. What did you do there exactly? I was an avionics Marine. I worked on F-18s. Thank you. Amazing. Amazing. What did you do? You like fixed...

Fixed them? Planes? Mechanic? They call me the lab rat. Pretty much the components that broke on the F-18, I guess I did technical or whatever. I fixed them. Shit. I'm guessing a lot of them crashed. I troubleshoot. I troubleshoot. Yeah, my fault. That's what I meant. Okay. I love it. Did you kill anybody? No. But the F-18s did. Yeah, they fucked up some shit. Yeah. You're goddamn right.

Was it a tough transition for you to come back to society? How long were you overseas for? I did just one tour of Iraq. Not that long. I did six tours of Australia. Comedy tours. I think Red Band did a tour of Italy. Yeah, he did, you fat bastard. You fucking... Hell yeah. Yeah.

He had an Iraq of ribs. He's never Iran in his life. That's him, little piggy boy. So, Eric, now you're a mail carrier. What's it like out there being a mailman nowadays? Are you running away from dogs and whatnot? Oh, probably the scariest one that you always... They're about to get deported, so... All right. Yeah.

Okay. What do you do for fun, Eric, when you're not doing stand-up? Oh, shoot. Just get at the house. Oh, you know what? I think I picked up on this one, man. I started cooking, like doing smoking stuff and everything. Okay. You got a little smoker? Yeah. All right. What are you cooking in it? Brisket, ribs, all the good stuff. I love it. All the tech stuff. I love it. Fuck yeah. Rick Glassman, what do you think about this? I was just wondering if you do pastrami.

- Rami? - No. - Rick's a Jew. - Excuse me? - Rick's a Jew. - Oh, they know. That's why casinos won't work over there. Now, I have a question. - Yes.

When you were doing your thing, and it was great, but you were talking about fixing F-18s, and we had a guy named Maverick, and I'm just picturing, like, that movie. And then it's like, what was your job position? And you're like, they call me the rat. And it's like, wouldn't they hire, like, a proper engineer or something? Or they're like, the rat will do it for half the price. Let him fuck up these F-18s. What does that mean? And did you fix anything with tape? One sec. No, no, a lab rat.

That was a lab rat. I was like an air conditioning unit. Everybody's out in the fucking flight line. Oh, shit, you're like Splinter. Yeah. And he's like Leonardo in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3. Okie dokie. Tony? Eric, you don't have to toss back to me. I just take it at that point.

Eric, what scares you in life? What are you afraid of in this world? Immigration. Wow, really? The second Lopez to be anti-immigration on this show tonight. I'm not exactly sure what's happening, but I'm glad you motherfuckers voted. Anyway, so other than immigration, what scares you? Because you seem like you're a war veteran. You've been around. You're a guy with a smoker. You're like a real man. What scares you? Is there something where you're like,

- Oh no. Something that you see where you're just like, oh shit, no, God no. Oh fuck that man. Fuck that. - Just like your normal things, like if I see a rat going, I'd be like, it'll startle me or something like that. - One of your own? - Yeah. Oh my goodness. Rat, do you see a lot of rats?

When I was in Iraq, I was in the pits there. I'd take a flashlight and be like, make sure no spiders, no rats coming around or anything. Hell yeah. I'd like to just know what else you write about, like in your act. What else do you talk about? About being Mexican. You seem really likable. Just listening to you, you seem like a very loving thing. You're talking about fucking Tom Brady and shit. Oh, yeah.

I'd like to hear more, but just wanted to know. There is a two and a half hour long roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. Yeah. I was in the unedited. Amazing. We were just talking about the home of Goodyear, and he's wearing a bad day shirt. Did you notice that? I, honest to goodness, I forgot I was here. Goodyear. Goodyear. Eric, we like your style here. You're getting a big joke book. There you go. Eric Lopez, ladies and gentlemen. Good work.

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This next one is inside, ladies and gentlemen. I do believe it is one of the... Oh, there's another Lopez song from the band. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe she works here with the Kill Tony squad. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Aya, everybody. Aya. I do believe it's one of our own.

One of the many producers that helps put the whole damn thing together. She's probably taking off a headset. Make some noise for Aya, everybody. Oh my gosh, it's bright. A lot of light. Shout out Thomas Edison. He would have loved fleshlights. No, it's cool. Not good with guys. I don't know. A guy isn't going to tell you, but I know I'm not good at hand jobs just because all my protein shakes are clumpy. Like...

Like I want to get better so I'll just like watch porn but like for educational purposes obviously. And all I've learned is that I like incest porn. Cause like at least you know they love each other right? I don't know. I guess I'm just a romantic. And it sucks being a romantic cause like I won't see red flags in guys. Like I won't see a guy with dyslexia. I'll just see a guy who knows a little bit of German.

Or like, I won't see a guy with anger issues, I'll just see a guy who can protect me from drywall. It's not good at all. Wow. That is what we love. A star is born, ladies and gentlemen. Aya.

Tony, yeah, what's up? Amazing. Welcome, welcome. You work here on the Kill Tony production team. We've never really gotten a chance to talk. And so welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like two years. And how old are you? I'm 22. Wow. 22 years old. Hi.

That's how old I was when I started. How old were you when you started, Rick? 24. And how old were you when you started, Jeff? I'm not good at the math part of this. How long ago was it? I'll do it. Okay. 2005 and I'm 41. Six years. It doesn't matter how old you are. I keep trusting you. If it's 2005, it's been 19 years. It doesn't matter how old you are. Go backwards. Oh, 23. There you go. Today. Oh, go ahead, Tony. I...

I welcome welcome. So you started at 20 years old. What's your ethnicity? I'm African. I'm Moroccan. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I can hang out in the sun if you want. Nice. What are Moroccans known for other than their percussion instruments? Phosphate. We have phosphate. We have good food.

Phosphate. What's phosphate? That is, that's what. Oh, Jesus. That's quite the reach, Red Band. Thanks, Red Band. I can see what's happening. They don't have a clue. We'd fall in love and here's the bottom line. Hit it. Our trio's down to two. Tony? Okay. No, I like that movie a lot. It's a good movie. The Lion King? Respect. Absolutely. You have a good taste in movies, Red Band. Absolutely. 100%.

Aya, what does a 22-year-old do nowadays? What are you guys up to? What's going on with 22? Well, like, I don't want to speak on the behalf of all of them, but I really like poetry. I've been reading a lot of poems. I like looking at art. I like to make bread. I love looking at dogs. I used to breed Dobermans. Used to breed them? Yeah. How do you do that? What do you do to breed them? So you just get a male and a female Doberman.

It doesn't really matter. It doesn't really matter. Very conservative take. Just two dogs. Just two dogs. No, no, I've tried it so many different ways. You haven't met my mother-in-law, Tony. Again, you don't have to toss it back to me at the end. You can just say you've never met my mother-in-law and then I'll take over naturally.

What's your glasses prescription? Oh, wow. A question for Rick Glassman. You could kiss the next four minutes goodbye, everybody. Here we go. Hey-o, thought you'd never ask. Let me put on a mustache and answer it for you. Okay, don't tell me. Looks like I have the stigmatism, I guess, huh? The left eye and the right.

Wow. Two of my favorite members of TLC. What kind of wool is that? Okay, enough of the questions, Aya. Enough of the questions. There you go. Thank you. Thank you, Rick. There he goes. You know what that bell means.

I should talk more? No. You know, when I first got my glasses prescription for a belly, you know, it's like, okay, they don't want to hear about it. Tony Henscliff, everybody. Thank you. Thank you, Rick. Thank you. Uh, so Aya, tell us more about you. Do your parents know you do stand up? Yeah, but they don't understand it. It's very confusing. Yeah. What do they do? What are they like? Um, my mom, I, they're like, they're super Muslim. They mostly pray. Uh,

Like, like, they're-- like, but they're not, like, that good at it. You guys are safe. Like, you guys-- they can hang. My mom, she had, like-- she teaches a lot of Ethiopians Arabic. She loves Ethiopians.

And yeah, she's cool. Chef Ty. It's hard to have sex in Morocco. No, it's not. Yes, it is. What do you guys-- what do you mean? Yeah, I've been to Morocco and I met a lady and she was like, we can't go to your hotel. She just wasn't into you, guy.

You know the women in Morocco aren't allowed to fuck you, otherwise we'd be there in a second. Jeff, get a clue, Tony. No, no, sincerely, I met a chick. It's true, you have to bring up... We couldn't go to the hotel, and then she's like, but I know a place, and we drove crazy in separate automobiles to, like, miles and miles away, and then she got in a... This is a true story, I probably shouldn't share it. And...

Then she hit like a button in this weird place and all the windows closed like from the things and then we were kind of locked. I had to go in separately and we did the deed. How much did it cost you? Nothing. Nothing? Oh, it's free? Cool. It's free, yeah. No, there's like sex trafficking there. Yeah. I didn't pay. Yeah, well, what you were saying. It's a fair question.

I've paid for sex, don't get me wrong. - No, yeah, it's cool. No, but you're right. You do need to bring a marriage certificate if you wanna get a hotel with like someone of the opposite sex. - I was like, just go to my hotel, you know? - You guys should have just told them y'all were cousins or siblings. They would have let y'all sleep together. - I don't think they'd have bought it. - Really? - Yeah. - Half siblings? You and I could be related. - I don't know what she looks like. Why wouldn't they buy it? - 'Cause she didn't look like me. She had a mustache, go ahead. - Okay, what does she look like and why does that matter? - Okay, all right.

I was just saying it's hard to have sex in Morocco. That's all I wanted to change. I thought you meant like technically. No, no. It's very standard. No, yeah. It's pretty much all the parts are still there. Well, I regret sharing. What were you doing in Morocco in the first place? I had a travel TV thing on NBC. I went to Morocco. I was like, this is going to rule. Do you go to Morocco a lot?

Yeah, I was like there two years ago. Is that where your parents are at? No. Well, that's where sometimes they go there and they leave me for some time. Who watches you? They put on a little Lion King? No, no. They don't know what that is. No. They're very serious people, it sounds like. Oh, yeah. Super serious. So how in the world? How long have you been working with the whole Kill Tony crew here? Like over a year now. And so how does someone from...

Parents that pray all the time. Yeah, like I didn't wear T-shirts until I was 19. Wow. Just always naked? Yeah. Topless. Amazing. So do you think that this is kind of your version of being kind of like a rebel? I mean, stand-up comedy, free speech, and everything that has to do with everything that you're a part of kind of is so... Seems like the opposite of what your parents would be into. Did they ever...

- Well, I think I'm just being myself. - Yeah. - And you guys don't have to clap for that. No, I don't think I'm really rebelling. I try to, I care about them and what they think about me. - Yeah. - And so I just try, I try to be a good kid. - Yeah. How often do you perform standup comedy? Do you work hard at this? - Yeah, yeah. At least a few times a week. - Yeah, you're really funny. - Oh, thank you. - Do you love it? You love it? - Yeah, yeah, I love standup. - This is what you wanna do?

Amazing. You know what I'm going to do, Aya? I'm going to consider you the newest golden ticket winner on this show. Oh, wow. Thank you. Sweet.

22 years old, you're here in the comedy capital, you're part of the Kill Tony unit. I just don't see how you're not going to end up being one of the biggest female stand-up comedians of all time. And you're gonna get to do more spots here. We're gonna get you in the mix. This is the part where Red Band invites you to the secret show. Yeah, I'll see you on Thursday.

- Yeah. - And even though you probably have a bunch of these here, you already have one. Your newest Golden Ticket winner, Aya, ladies and gentlemen. - Thank you guys. - Boom. - Yeah. Tony's a nice guy, really respectful and stuff. No, yeah, thanks. - There she goes, Aya, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, how cool.

I just don't see how she can be stopped. She's already two years in. 22. She's got a whole fucking thing going on. Naturally funny. So, it has begun. Legends are born on this show and it is time for the return of one of the biggest legends of all time in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a while since we've seen this man. He is indeed a Kill Tony Hall of Famer.

very excited about the long-awaited return one of the greatest roasters in this show's history ladies and gentlemen it is indeed David Lucas yeah and that did it shit was crazy man that motherfucker was putting GHB in the baby oil I gotta be the craziest way to get raped you know

This mad motherfucker massage you into the rape and you wake up the next day. I hate I never was able to go to a Diddy party because I know them hors d'oeuvres were off the chain. You know what I'm saying? Like, Diddy would have got me with the food. I would have been in that bitch eating exotic cheese. It's like y'all said this was ostrich. I would have ate some of that food and been in his fucking closet with one of his robes on. Dancing.

Like a thousand bottles of baby oil is crazy to me, bro. It is. Like Diddy had so much oil at his house that Biden ordered a drone strike. It's like, like I feel if you got a thousand bottles of anything, you should go to prison, no questions asked. You know what I mean? A thousand bottles of black pepper, take your ass to prison. Tony was probably at the prison with bail money to get Diddy out. But I ain't gonna lie though, bro. I swear to God, I would buy a baby, I would buy a bottle of baby oil by Ciroc. You know what I'm saying?

like cherry flavor, or as black people call it, red. All right. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. He did he. Had a thousand bottles of baby oil. David has a thousand bottles of olive oil. Tony, I'm so glad Trump won, nigga. Yeah, because you want to make America cake again. Nigga, if Trump would have lost, you would have had to sell that pussy, nigga. Your ass...

You would have started a new OnlyFans called Phil Tony, you know what I'm saying? That's true. I actually bought the domain and everything. Hell yeah. What's up, Tony? Rick Glassman up in this bitch. Young Howard Stern looking ass nigga. Boy, the fuck? That's funny stuff. But Tony doesn't have to sell that pussy anymore because he gets to. That pussy has...

Rick Glassman, you got the sweater on of a nigga that got three cats. Shut your motherfucking ass. That motherfucker got three cats and a goddamn ball of yarn in his living room. Fuck you talking about with that dumbass sweater on, bitch? You look like one of them kids at the elementary school whose mom is a teacher. You know what I'm saying? Jeff Dye? I thought that nigga from One Direction killed himself. I want...

Why the fuck are you here? What the fuck are you doing here, bitch? That guy was really hot, though. I don't understand the joke. But you hot. You like 1987 hot. You know what I'm saying? I'll take that. This nigga look like he just bet $100,000 on Seabiscuit. Yo ass. Rich, hot. I don't get the jokes here. Well, when David Seabiscuit, he eat biscuits.

This nigga is stupid. - Do Glassman again. - Oh, do Glassman again? Look at his ass. - Yeah, this guy looks like he rapes pedophiles. - Rick Glassman look like he sit down to pee, motherfucker. You look like the type of nigga take tissue and pat his dick hole when he done peeing. - Yeah. - Well, you look like a fucking idiot. - Hey, shut your ass up, you bitch ass niggas. You got a motherfucking heart on your shirt, nigga. What the fuck?

Look at Rick Glaser, boy. Your ass goofy than a motherfucker, boy. What just happened, Rick? What did you just pantomime? That nigga spilled his box water. David, it's been forever since you've been on the show. It's been forever, dog. I've been on the tour like a motherfucker. I got too many kids. Nigga, I gotta go shoot. You do. You have another kid. You have a new kid. Hey, nigga, shut up, bro.

You gonna fuck my pussy up, man. What you talking about? I don't even know what you talking about. It's been a long time since I've seen you. I guess it's an old kid now. I miss Tony, bro. I miss you like a motherfucker, bro. I'm glad to see you doing good. When I see you out there at that motherfucking Trump shit, I was happy to the motherfucker. I'm like, I can't believe Trump let gays speak for him. Yeah, it's true.

Doesn't feel good, does it, Tony? It is true. You've been at some rallies, too, with a hamburger joint. I was like, how is Tony gay? All them Puerto Rican men, he's fucked. That's what he called a booty hole, garbage. That's why he said... Oh, my God. How dare you? How dare you? That nigga Rick Glassman looked like he got a Pokemon collection. That motherfucker...

Look like he got a $10,000 Pokemon card. I will say I do sit to pee a lot of the time and I do collect Magic the Gathering cards. You are hilarious. I just want to slap this nigga. I don't know. Tony? Jeff Dye. Nigga, get on Jeff Dye motherfucking ass. Boy, you out here with the haircut of a single white mother. Boy, your ass...

You look like a white mother from a divorce that's doing well for herself now. She got a job in finance raising her three kids, right? Now do Rick again. Do Rick. Do Rick. I give up. I give up. All right, bro. It's all good. Tony, what's happening, baby? Life is good. Life is good. I'm just over here thinking about how you look like if...

You can't laugh on the setup like that. It fucks me up. I miss you, bro. That's the problem. I miss you, dog. I just want to hear the setup and I'm going to laugh, bro. You can't. Is that your mouth or your asshole? I can't tell. What's that? Where's the noise coming from? How did you know? I know when you fart, it sounds like a rescue horn. Nigga, that shit. This is so great. This is like if Whoopi blocked the view.

Now that Trump is elected, is the view still a thing? What are they going to complain about now? Oh, man. I don't know if anybody's watching anymore. Put your motherfucking hand down, bitch. I have one. I know you probably got a podcast with a fucking tranny as the co-host.

I don't even understand what a joke-- why would that-- I don't understand the joke. I don't know. Gay eye for the straight guy? I don't fucking know. That one I get, and I love it. Now, I got one. This isn't really my genre. I don't do this kind of stuff. But the Whoopi Goldberg thing, I was thinking I could call you, "Man, this black dude looks like Sister Mary Clarence Thompson."

See what I'm saying? There you go. You gotta take that dumbass sweater off, nigga. The roast styling. You out here looking like you're... Hold on a second. Let's all talk at the same time. I got it. Did it not work because it wasn't funny or do you guys... It wasn't good. Let me just ask my question, Clarence Thompson. You know the answer. Does everybody know Sister Mary Clarence? Rick Glassman. That's the problem. Rick Glassman, you look like you got a peanut allergy, nigga, your ass. He does. That motherfucker died from Chick-fil-A, nigga. He does.

He has the charisma of a man that definitely does his own taxes. Rick Glassman, nigga. I'm a force, bitch. That motherfucking L.A. shit, you know what I'm saying? No, never mind, never mind. Go ahead. No, no, you drink Bob's water. It's like Sister Mary Clarence Thomas over here. Do niggas know who Clarence Thomas is? Sister Mary Clarence is Whoopi Goldberg in the Sister Act movies. But see, when you gotta explain a joke, it don't work. You might be a redneck. You might be a faggot.

- All right, you guys are- - You ever found interest in a man? - I mean, I want to watch it. I want there to be penis in my porn, but I'm into the girl. - This nigga's stupid. - Don't call me that. - I don't know what the fuck is going on. Rick Glassman is a fucking dumbass, bro. - Make some fucking noise for the legend, David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen.

We're having fun out here. Shit's real. One more time for David Lucas. All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out? Another bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Your next comedian goes by the name of Mio Love, everybody. Mio Love. My minute started? Oh, shit.

Look, I'm 34 and recently separated. And for some reason, my right titty, she went caca. That bitch looking like Biggie Smalls. She doing a right face for no reason. I have to reel her back in. And I want to come back to the game with real big dick energy, you know? So I talked to my cousin and she said, bitch, you need to get wax. It lasts forever and it leaves your skin smooth like a dolphin.

So I did. I made the appointment. And there I was, spread like a dolphin. The lady's putting the wax. She's putting the strip. And with no regards to my life or to Jesus, she goes, Ching, chan, chun, sa! Ma'am, I discovered the connection between your vision and that lip. I went fucking blind. Control of my body, and for some reason, I just kicked the lady. Don't feel bad for the lady. She got kicked before. Because she took it like a champ. She got backed up, and she wanted to do the other one.

At 34, I learned a valuable lesson. You need to love yourself. So right now, I'm looking like a yin yang. I got one bushy bush and one smooth like a dolphin, baby. Thank you so much. All right, Mio, love. Wild set. Hi, Mio. Tony. How long you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it four years. Four years. Where at? Killeen, Texas. Okay. Well, you are not Killeen anyone tonight.

Garbage Island. You're from where? Garbage Island. Really? Yes, sir. You're originally from Puerto Rico? And a veteran. Thank you to all my vets today. I love it. Thank you for your service. What did you do? I was in the Army for six years. Oh, my God. That is amazing. What did you do in the Army? I was a 92 Alpha Logistics Specialist. So to all my logistics, thank you. Fuck, yeah. Look at that. Amazing. How long have you been in America?

Well, the army brought me here, so I've been here for 13 years in Texas. I love Texas. Yeah? Yes. Okay. You're saying all the right stuff, Mio Love. Amazing. What do you do for work now?

veteran retired. I'm a full-time mom. I have two daughters. And my oldest daughter is autistic, so I do full care for her. Okay. Super autistic or, like, semi-autistic? She was nonverbal, and I will tell you a serious note. When she was diagnosed, they told me that it was nonverbal, and she had, like, mental retardation. Marley talks. Marley talks. Red band. Red band.

You hit the party horn for mental retardation? What kind of show is this? An awesome one. All right, so they told you that she was non-verbal autistic and mentally retarded, and then what?

Thank you to all the people that do ABA therapy, to everybody that works for autism. Autism speaks. My daughter speaks. We love it. And she, next year, is due to start regular school with the regular population just with an aid. She's nonverbal. Let me ask you this. She's verbal. Tony, she's verbal now. Have you tried taking her to church? She's verbal. She's verbal now, yes. Is that what you were going to do? Okay. I was going to ask, what were her first six words?

I want to become a priest. Okay. Well, that's amazing. What was her first word? First words were mama, of course. But after that, now it's like, I want cookies. That's all. Okay. So she's just like David Lucas. This is great. Amazing. Amazing. What do you do for fun, Mia Love? What do you do when you... I do comedies.

- Other than comedy though. - I use my babysitter time for comedy. So I do my shows. - You're definitely Puerto Rican. Okay. Still talking there after a blatant, hell yeah, just talking whenever you want. What are you, Rick Glass Woman? Okay. But let's just talk about it. Other than comedy, like when you put your daughters in the cage and want to go out for the night, like what do you do? - For comedy, I come here to the show for the comedy, "Mothership is an Awesome Show."

So I really surround myself around comedy. Other than comedy, there must be something non-comedy related. Non-comedy related. I smoke weed. Okay. And I swing in my hammock. Nice. Fuck yeah. Being a mom is awesome, isn't it? Yeah. Do you have boyfriends? Do you have like a little Puerto Rican whippersnapper? I don't have any boyfriends. I don't know. Let's see. Okay. Don't look at me like that when you say it. You're gay.

- Not at you. - No way. No way, Jose. So I love it. You swing in your hammock, you got two daughters. That's very fun. What else do you talk about in your standup?

If it's for married couples that want to stay together, it's not the show to watch. For everybody that wants to know the truth, here I am. It's a public announcement every time. I teach every class. We do every other Fridays in Killeen. Ladies, follow me. Hold on. What? You do what? I do a comedy show every other Friday in Killeen. It's Friday late night. For married couples? No, no. For people that are not married. If you're married and happily married, don't come to my show. I might fuck it up.

How? How do you fuck up married couples? Because I do point out everything that is messed up. Oh, you talk about crazy stuff. Crazy stuff. Crazy. Have you had a couple divorce in front of you before? No. It's my first one, but the guy was crazy. He was Puerto Rican, of course, so...

Again, I have no problems with the Puerto Ricans. The joke was about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch and also Puerto Rico has a landfill issue. You know about that. Yes. They don't recycle there. Did you know that? I know that. Okay, very good. They just are very proud and we just want you to know that it's a beautiful island. I've been there. I love the island. I've bicycled around old San Juan. I love Puerto Rico. Yeah.

Thank you, Tony. Can someone make a headline, a news headline out of that so that my mom knows I'm okay? Can someone put that on MSNBC, please? Breaking news. Tony Hinchcliffe has been to and loves Puerto Rico, especially the people of Puerto Rico who have the best sense of humors in the world. Fuck. Mia Love, congratulations. I'm going to give you a medium-sized joke book. There she goes. Mia Love, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, one last bucket pool, then we're gonna put a ribbon on this fucking thing. There she goes, Mio Love. We're gonna get one more comedian up here. Make some noise, 60 seconds uninterrupted. A lot of names here. David Joseph Peter Sullivan, everybody. Four-named comedian. Oh, my goodness. Make some noise one more time for the Kill Tony debut of David Joseph Peter Sullivan.

Yeah, I just moved to Austin. I was going to redownload the dating apps here. First thing that came up when I searched dating apps, Chispa.

A dating app for Latinos. That shit's crazy. I mean, come on, look it up if you don't believe me. I mean, who? Imagine, imagine Cracker, a dating app for white people. You'd get fucking shot. Like, I guess this is no longer Biden's America, this is Trump's America, whatever. Whatever the fuck you want to consider it. But I was thinking about it. Shit, like, what if I created an app for fucking gingers?

So I did. And we've got five users now. We're few and far between. My only match is two people. One of them's in Scotland, and one of them lives back where I'm from in Portland. And I may or may not be related to them. That's my time. Thank you, guys. David, Joseph, Peter, Sullivan.

Four first names on this motherfucker. Is that your real name? Yeah. The middle names are my grandfathers, Joseph and Peter. Wow. Incredible. I just thought it would be funny. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. Was he also a redhead? I think he was. He died like a long time before I was born. Right. Or one of them died a long time before I was born. The other one died like two years before I was born. Right. Sorry. Rick Glassman. It's okay. It's not your fault. Wow.

Got away with that one. What is that, the soundboard? Okay. David Joseph Peter Sullivan, what's it like looking like you?

Explain to us what a normal day is like. First, you wake up. You immediately, you know, you go over and I'd imagine you open your blind a little bit and you're just like, ah, the sun, right? It's just like, just fucking creeps you the fuck out. I don't belong in Austin, Texas. Like, I belong on like a cold, dreary island in fucking northern Europe. Like, I don't belong here. Right.

There's not a lot of us here, I'll tell you that much. How are you surviving? Do you carry an umbrella around with you? I've only been here like a month and a half, but yeah. Okay, where'd you come from? Portland, Oregon. Ooh, Portland, Oregon. I was born and raised in Portland. Right, great place. It's not that great. Dumpster fire. Yeah. Okay, so what do you do for work?

In Portland, I worked in finance in a country club. And then here, I was a FedEx driver for two and a half weeks. What happened? And then I quit because fuck that shit. Why? Because it just fucking sucked. Whoa.

Tell us more about it. I delivered like around here, like to the Google building and like a bunch of apartment buildings and it just fucking sucked. So I quit. And like I have savings so that like I can pay rent. How much did you save exactly? Like before. $12,500. Pretty close. Yeah? Yeah. How close? It was like $13,250. Bum, bum, ba-na. Bum, bum, ba-na.

I'm not wealthy. That's not enough money to live on. No, it's okay. Yeah. Well, I mean, it's going to run out, you know? Yeah. You're doing just fine for a redhead. I'm trying to get another job. Do you have any pets? I have a dog. Yeah. What kind of dog? He's a German Shepherd Border Collie. He's like 85 pounds. Do you like turtles?

I'm neutral. I'm neutral on turtles. I don't know where that's coming from, but... Get older, dude. Get it. You had a joke about a red-headed dating site, but have you ever actually ever been with another red-headed person? No, because I feel like if I would, it would remind me too much of my sister, so...

I have. Your sister is also a redhead? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. The bloodline runs clear. If you make a baby with a blonde girl, does it come out with orange hair? Okie dokie. All right. That was a real sister. Mary Patterson Terrence Clonk Clarence Thomas Jr. Okay. What would we be surprised to know about you, David Joseph Peter Sullivan?

Shit. I'm technically a British citizen. How did that happen? No, it's not nice. Sorry. You're way more important than me. Worst country on earth. Tell us about it. Go ahead. Well, my mom's a British citizen, and then she moved here, and she never got her citizenship, so I'm technically a British citizen. Sounds like your mom's going bye-bye real soon.

Uh, yeah. I do actually have a kid, which is crazy. You have a kid? Unfortunately, yeah. Wait, you have a kid? Yeah. You have a child? Yeah. You have a... You shot semen out of your penis into a vagina and made a human? Allegedly. Allegedly. Oh, my God. How old is this kid?

She would be... The audience is shocked, by the way. For those of you just listening at home, sometimes the audience mics don't pick up everything. I know. Nobody wants to have sex with a redhead. It just sort of, like, happens, you know? Like, wow. She's about two years and two months. Wow. I've never met her. Yeah, the baby is born, Rick. It was a FedEx joke, Tony. Wow.

And she wasn't redheaded? I've never met her. You've never met her? No, I don't know her. How is that possible? Like, the mom doesn't want me to meet her, so. Oh, you've never met the daughter. Okay, I see. I thought maybe this was some kind of glory hole action or something like that. Like, you never met the woman that you impregnated. Was this a one-night stand? No. Okay, how long were you with this girl for?

Well, I mean, like, we don't... Shit, we don't... Fuck. All right. We only had sex, like, four or five times, and it was, like, two and a half weeks, and then she got pregnant. Well, she told me she couldn't get pregnant. Like, she told me she was infertile. So I was like, well, I wasn't worried about it. Just giving her the old Boston cream pie. Well, she told me she couldn't get pregnant. That old red-headed fucking jelly bean over here.

Just blasting away. She told you she cut an oldest trick in the fucking book. I know. And there you are, just your red pubes just fucking flying around the room. I fell for it, yeah. Old fucking Red Nut Jenkins over here. Yeah. Oh my God, you fell for it. So did you blast inside of her all five times that you had sex with her? You may have gotten lucky. You could have had quintuplets. I think so. I don't know how it works.

No, it's just the one. Just once. No, no, no, no, no. Not quintuplets. It's just the one. Right. No, I'm saying you only came inside of her one time. I think it was every time. Every time. I mean, I was 21 years old. Like, I'm fucking ginger. Like, she told me she couldn't get pregnant, and I was like, fuck it. This is awesome. And then...

And then she got pregnant and it's Oregon. Like the baby lives in Oregon and abortion is legal. So I was like, hey, you should get an abortion. She's like, no, I don't feel like it. I don't feel like it? Pretty much. Yeah. Oh, my God. She did trick me. How ugly is she? How ugly? Yeah.

I don't know. She's probably like an Oregon 6, but like an Austin, Texas 2. Wow. Oh my God. I cannot believe she will not introduce you to your own child. If she sees this, I'm going to... Does she watch Kill Tony? Does she watch this show? God, I hope not. God, I hope not. I hope not too. I seriously doubt she does. She's too busy raising a child. You say it like it's not your child.

She's too busy raising your child. Biologically, she's mine, but emotionally, spiritually, she's not. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Golden ticket! Golden ticket! My goodness. So you are just completely checked out. You have completely given in to the fact that you will not be a father to this child. It is amazing to see one of the whitest comedians on this show be such a black father. I knew that was coming.

I would love to. Sean D's and D Madden is shaking their head no at the same time. Never gets old to me. I mean, I would love to, but it's either spend the next fucking 16 years of my life in Eugene, Oregon, or just fucking do what I want to do.

Right. And Eugene, Oregon, I went to University of Oregon. Go Ducks, I guess. Number one in the country in football right now. Fuck. But it's a shithole. It fucking sucks. Eugene, Oregon, fuck that place. It's either spend my life there or do the shit I want to do. We understand the dilemma. Jeff Dye. Yeah, I was just saying, you guys can scoff all you want. That's very progressive, what he's saying. Yeah.

Why would I have this baby? I'll just do what I want. I've heard this from chicks. This is a tale as old as time. I guess. I mean, I feel fucking terrible about it. You do? Oh, yeah, big time. Amazing. It weighs heavy on my mind. Yeah, all the time. You've probably created one of the best strippers in the future, though. Red band. Red band. Will Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Here she comes. Firestorm, everybody.

Here comes the little... Here she is, Cherry Pie, everybody. A little better red than dead, ladies and gentlemen. Get out those wads, make it rain, put out the fire. Here she comes, a little red-headed fatherless girl. It's Samantha Joseph Peter Sullivan Jenkins Fitzgerald coming to the stage. Cherry McFirepot.

She doesn't have my last name. Here she is, Helena Hogwarts, everybody. That was good. She's swinging on the fire pole.

That was good. She doesn't have my last name, though. Well, I mean, thank God for that. I don't even know if she has red hair or not. You don't know if she has red hair? You've never seen a picture? No. Have you ever tried to reach out to the mother? Yes. And she says no? Yes. Why would she say no to you? Because she fucking hates me. Why does she hate you? Because I told her to get an abortion. Because I told her...

I fucking hate you. Why would you lie to me? Why? Like, why would you do this to me? And she's like, well, if you don't want to be a father, then just fuck off. And that's what I did. Wow. Yeah. That sounds like you got tricked all the way. I don't even know if she has red hair or not. Like, shit is like, it weighs heavy on my mind. Like, it's not a good thing. Like,

Golden ticket. No, no, no. This is not the way that children are supposed to be born. I'll tell you what. This is why abortion should be legal. Since you're a sweet little cinnamon boy, I'm going to send you off with some cinnamon zippix nicotine toothpicks, zip more, smoke glass. You guys want me to call the mom? I don't think that's a great idea. I don't think it's a great idea.

Here's a big joke bug with some cinnamon Zippix toothpicks. Thank you, guys. I appreciate it. There's no way she would pick up, right? I don't even have her phone number. Wow, of course you don't. He's a red beat dad. Roll Tide, baby. There he goes. David Joseph Peter Sullivan, ladies and gentlemen. A medium red machine, which could only mean one... There's only one place to go after that, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to present to you the record holder for all time appearances on this show, interviews on this show, hall of famer. It is indeed the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Van Nuys Nigerian, the American Spirit Salutatorian. This is the one, the only, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

It's kind of really weird because I matched with his fucking ass on a red-headed dating website, so I don't know what the fuck he... Jimmy Kimmel cried on his show the day after the election, and I don't know if it was because of Trump's victory or the fact that he had 112 viewers. But seriously, it was kind of ironic when the tears made his black face run. Okay, let's keep moving.

So I'm actually working on a movie. It's basically the pot of little giants, but instead of Little League football, it's a man who competes in women's swimming. I mean, this is a true underdog story. Against all odds, he sets multiple world records. It's called Big Booty Bitches in Bikinis Volume 4. You know the worst is when you intend on handing out Halloween candy, but then you get so high you eat it all, and then you remember you inserted razor blades. Woo!

All right, anybody here a fan of riddles? Y'all like riddles? Here's one for you. I heard this the other day. Who let the dogs out? Okay, that's my time. William "Lights Out" Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. I love a good nobody's watching Jimmy Kimmel joke.

Yeah, that was all that right off the bat seemed weird with the crowd. It scared me. Literally nobody is watching it. It is incredible. It is just an absolute fact. Yeah.

Gosh, and Tony, I have been, it's really scary. I didn't tell you last week, but I got visited by a ghost or something in my apartment. Tony, again, I've been playing a bunch of Call of Duty recently, and I was laying on the chair thinking about starting to play Call of Duty, and I'm laying on the chair, and my girlfriend is sitting beside me, and my shirt does this.

Pretty scary. And then I'm at my cousin's house, Tony, this past weekend in Charlotte. I was in Charlotte. By the way, I won't get too close to y'all. I feel I'm very sick. I was very worried about Charlotte, but I somehow made it through. Tony?

Tony, I've been doing this day where I ask people what their heritage is. Are you Native American? I've just been doing some crowd work with that. And then I'm talking to my cousin Trey and they have one of the big speakers that's like the Google equivalent of an Alexa. And out of nowhere, it says Native American heritage, Native American heritage twice.

Your Alexa said that in Charlotte? Yeah, that's what my cousin's Alexa said. Nobody started. It's weird. It's somebody trying to tell me something. I'm just trying to decipher what it means. Why did they say that? And you think it was perhaps a Native American ghost that slightly lifted up your shirt a little bit? I don't know what it is. I'm trying to figure it out, Tony, but I swear to God, it seems like it's somebody from the other side trying to communicate something to me, and I'm just trying to figure out what that is. Wow.

So I'm kind of on a quest now. I don't know if you know this, but Rick actually sometimes can channel spirits. I've seen you do it before. I know you're a little bit shy about it. I don't want to put you on blast or anything, but can you perhaps try to channel a spirit and see what happens here? I wonder if the spirit will have a mustache. Come out and say, hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya. I think...

I think I'm just gonna chill out. Okay. I-I don't know how the camera switches are working, but there's about four times tonight that Tony, like, he's my dad, he goes like this.

Every time I'm like, am I coming in too hot? And now I'm going to do a spirit bit? Yeah, you relax for a few minutes. Please, Rick, I need help, man. Seriously. Come on. Will you please help? How many of you think Rick should help William right now? Seriously. Look at these people. Look. Look at them. They want it. Rick, I'm not doing good, man. Please help me. And seriously, after this, if you want to play Call of Duty, you can also do this at the apartment later, too. Uh-oh. I'll...

Maybe I will play that black guy in basketball. No, but the thing is, I'm just, I don't want to make a joke. I do do that stuff sometimes. You do do that stuff. All right, Luke is laying on me. Play some cherry pie again. It's okay. You don't actually have to play cherry pie. I don't want to make a joke out of talking to spirits because if I don't see anybody, then it's going to waste everybody's time. I have a feeling, I have a feeling that...

I have a feeling it was the girlfriend who was sitting next to you who lifted your shirt. That is a great prediction. How do you know that's not the case? Because it wasn't. She did it. I didn't feel anything. And I'm laying, and I could have seen if she pulled my shirt off. You think that a Native American wanted to just see the side of your shirt? Native American ghost. I don't know what it is. That is the problem with ghosts. It's so subtle. I know. The story's never, like if this just went...

That'd freak you the fuck out, but that's a terrible story, you know? Like... Yeah. I'd be like, "The cop! Moo!" And everyone would go, "Eh, fucking..." Right? 'Cause that is scary if you're alone and your shirt goes up. Yeah. Tough story. Did you ask how? Uh-huh. What's the matter? Too tense? Tony? Let's get indie insurance. Ay-yah, ay-yah. Ow. So, other than the ghost thing...

What else has been going on, William? Gosh, Tony, it's... Wait, so you really think that's kind of boring, though, the story? Or what were you saying that's really bothering me right now? Why is it bothering you? I don't know, because it is kind of scary, isn't it? No, everything Ghost 2 is so boring. You know, you'd be like, the other day, it turned on the faucet. And you're like, yeah, it's probably an old fucking ghost thing.

Never seen water like that before, you know? Yeah, what would a Native American-- what kind of beef would a Native American possibly have with someone that looks like a Confederate war general? I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. I hate it, Tony. I hate it. I really do. It would scare me, for sure.

Yeah, it's super scary. I'm dealing with all this shit. It's almost Thanksgiving, but I'll make it through. Luckily, I don't have to go anywhere this weekend, Tony. I'm exhausted. Other than an Alexa and your shirt lifting up, has there been anything else? Did you feel somebody poke your hauntus or something like that? Hehehehehehehehehehe.

I wish, but no, I have not. Did your Lando lakes melt quickly or something like that? No, it's just literally those two things. So I'm trying to just put it all together. It's kind of hard. All right. I have a thought. Yes, Rick Glassman. I don't know for sure, but you could ask maybe this ghost to tell you a joke and see if it's corny or not. Well, that joke was amazing.

You know what, I do see a ghost and that's a hundred years from now. Your ghost. It's gonna be haunting this place with the quickest quibs and the funniest one-liners I've ever seen. You want to get haunted by a Native American? Boring. You want to get nativ- whatever, something. Hey, much like the whatever the joke the guy said, I didn't land it, but we're here to pitch jokes sometimes. We don't always have to be on. Tony.

William Montgomery, you did it again. Here's some cinnamon Zip-Ics for you. Some nicotine toothpicks. Those are really good. You're gonna love 'em. Some Zip-Ics for you. Some Zip-Ics for you. Nicotine toothpicks, I'm telling you, they're amazing. It's the future. Thank you to Squarespace, Blue Chew, PrizePix, GameTime, Talkspace, and Zip-Ics. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. How loud can this place get for the great Rick Glassman, ladies and gentlemen?

Rick, promote some stuff. Give them your website or your podcast or whatever. My podcast is... You can go ahead. They can hear you. My podcast is called Take Your Shoes Off. I am doing a 15-city store starting in January. Go to punchup.live slash rickglassman. Thank you for having me. There you go. It's a hell of a website. Jeff Dye. Make some noise for fucking Jeff Dye. Thank you. Thank you.

I have a special called The Last Cowboy in LA that comes out this Thursday, November 14th. Also, I'm on Joe Rogan again this 14th, this Thursday. Fuck yes. Big stuff happening. Tickets on sale soon for the stream. The two-night streaming event of the H-E-B Center are returned New Year's Eve and the night before, 1230, 1231. We're back in arenas yet again.

Trouble is a-brewin'. Anything can happen. Red Band, you want to say anything to these people? Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, sunsetstripatx.com. Love you guys. A lot of fun stuff coming around the corner. Big announcements, big stuff happening. Thank you again. Go check out Adrienne Iapolucci's new Netflix special, The Dark Queen.

Check out everything David Lucas, Cam Patterson, Ari Matty, and William Montgomery. And how about one more congratulations to the newest golden ticket winner, Aya, everybody. Thank you, guys. Good night. We love you.

Are you concerned about the growing political divide in America? It's time to tune into The Vital Center podcast. Hosted by Jeffrey Kaba Service of the Niskanen Center, this show explores solutions to our nation's most pressing issues. From combating climate change to advancing social welfare, The Vital Center provides a moderate perspective and uses historical context to make sense of the world today. Subscribe to The Vital Center podcast and rediscover the power of pragmatic politics in action.