#686 - BIG JAY OAKERSON + LUIS J GOMEZ + DAVE SMITH
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Four years. That's how long it took Democrats to ruin our economy and plunge our southern border into anarchy. Who helped them hurt us? Ruben Gallego. Washington could have cut taxes for Arizona families, but Ruben blocked the bill. And his fellow Democrats gave a bigger break to the millionaire class in California and New York. They played favorites and cost us billions. And Ruben wasn't done yet.

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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Etchclay! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yeah!

God fucking dammit! Up, up, up, up, up, you fucks! Louder! Yes! There's volume! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Keno, Keno, Keno. We sing about fucking Keno. Meanwhile, the volume on the main mic's off. Bunch of retards here. I work with... Wait, we have to bleep that now. I can't say retards. Jesus, YouTube is laying down the law on us people. A lot of bleeps coming your way. How's everybody doing tonight? Good? Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Grooveline horns, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Deese on the keys, and this is D Madness live in the flesh, the real deal.

An amazing episode in store for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? This is Kill Tony Live.

The number one show in comedy brought to you by SimpliSafe Hymns and ExpressVPN. You know, every single week I bring on maybe one, maybe two of the funniest people in the world. Tonight we go with three. This is...

Very, very exciting because these are indeed our brothers from another mother. For over a decade, we have had a synergistic relationship. We do their shows. They do our shows. We do their festivals. They show up to our crazy shit.

These are our brothers from New York City. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long-awaited return on this, a very special week of Skank Fest. This is the Legion of Skanks! Luis J. Gomez, Dave Smith, and Big J. Oakerson. Fuck yes. Dave Smith, Luis J. Gomez. Indeed. Indeed.

Jay Oakerson. Three of my favorite human beings. Three legends of the show. And it is incredible to have you guys back. Hi, Louis. One of the record holders for all-time appearances on the show. Louis J. Gomez. Thank you. We're very happy to be here. Thank you.

You are our brothers. We love Austin, Texas. We have no problems with Austin, Texas. That's right. New York City sucks. Austin rules. That is correct. I'm glad to see some of those vaccine side effects wearing off. Last time Louis was on the show, he ate an obese man's kidney stone. So just to show you what you could be in store for here tonight. What? Yeah. Yeah.

A guy had a kidney stone. He brought it in a bottle. Lewis asked to see it, and then he placed it in his mouth. Did you ever poop that out? I don't know, Tony. Maybe peed it out. I have no idea. It might still be with me right now. That is true. Anything can happen. Performed at Madison Square Garden on Kill Tony. Woo!

Tony, lead with that. Yeah, no, the kidney stone first. Big Jay Oakerson fucking crushed Madison Square Garden. Yeah, man.

Thank you again for that opportunity, man. That was unbelievable. Amazing shows. We're having fun. Big J's coming back to the Mothership here in November. Right? It's here. Mothership. Be right here at the Mothership. November. That's your first weekend here. Yep. First time. Amazing. If you guys don't know, truly, when I say Big J is one of the best in the fucking world, I mean it. Everything is fucking off the top of his head. He's a real freak.

You know, a lot of these crowd work guys that talk to the audience have a lot of stuff fucking saved up in their heads and this and that. He's like if a magician actually made the magic tricks. Oh, thank you. Like if it was like real. If it was like in front of you and it wasn't like something up his sleeve. He's like a freak. I'm releasing a double special of crowd work and I'm calling it Them They. And the great Dave Smith is here, ladies and gentlemen. Woo!

One of our favorites, future presidential candidate. I don't know about all that, but Lewis did tell me backstage that he is going to top his last appearance tonight. So you guys get ready. I'm planning on bottoming my last appearance here tonight. Over 260 human souls signed up for the opportunity to stand behind that microphone that did not work earlier when I came out on stage.

Hopefully it works for them in some way or another. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted to make everyone laugh. You know their time is up in here. The sound of a kitty, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview with them. We talk about their lives, anything more that they could possibly do.

talk about on stage or what's interesting about them. The whole thing is improvised and anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, well, well. Well, we go wrangle that poor soul from across the street who right now has no idea that they're about to be on the biggest show in comedy but is about to find out

We have a regular, actually a golden ticket winner, who has climbed, ironically, to absolute fucking stardom here on this show. I mean, truly one of the most rock-solid comedians. I present to you, kicking off tonight's show, make some noise for the great and powerful Martin Phillips, everybody! ♪♪

What's up? Make some noise if you're into having unprotected sex. Yeah!

So were my parents. I actually started incorporating magic in my act. What the fuck was that? Oh my God. That's the magic. I made that happen. I made that happen. Oh my God. I mean...

All right. Okay. Okay. Okay. 9-11. Have you heard about this? I wondered, like, what if the terror is hijacked a shady airline, like a Spirit or a Frontier? I've served the passengers for the thought. This is what I get. This is... I knew it. I...

And the terrorists were like, "Whoa, this is really easy to do." My God. No one would think it was a terrorist attack. They'd be like, "Yeah, it's Shady Airline Crash." Everybody flies to hijacking. That's it, okay, cool. - The great Martin Phillips showing how it's done.

Yet again, kicking ass, breaking glass.

That's what happens when you make the waitresses laugh. Shit goes haywire over here. Cool. Martin, you did it again. Great, great, great. Rock solid. Thanks. Did you paint that shirt yourself? Dude, this is a sick shirt, man. It's a sick-ass shirt. By sick, do you mean the shirt has been vomiting all over itself? This is a thrift shop vibe. Okay. Alright.

All right. But yeah, I guess it is kind of looks like shit. Yeah. I love how defensive you get over things like that. It's a cool shirt. Oh, look, a leather jacket. So original. Oh, my God. Is that the bonds? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Hey, this is a thrift shop fine. What do you guys think of Martin? Oh, I was asking the panel, but yeah. I don't want to pull the curtain, but there's no way from the time you said his name to the time he walked on the stage, this guy came from across the street. I don't...

I hope I'm not showing how the sauce is made or something, but... No, he was ready. Okay, all right, okay. Yeah. They like, sure, I was fine. We literally, we make sure he's directly behind us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude. These guys are going to have to play Pink Floyd's The Wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So...

Great job. Oh, thank you. Fantastic job. Very, very fun. Thanks. It really, really was. Amazing stuff. You talked about unprotected sex. Your parents did indeed have it. Yeah. You ever talk to your parents about what they may have been doing or messing around with? I do not want to know. Yeah. I don't ask my parents about their sex life, you know. But I mean like specifically when they made you. Yeah.

Who knows what adventure they got into that night. Wait, do you think the problem is it was positionally wrong? Apparently Tony does. I don't know. Why did I take a cream pie in that pile driver?

A cream pile driver, if you will. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. My dad came and he shook my mom. Nice, dude. Human centrifuge. Yeah. Well, yeah.

I hope they don't watch this. It's worth asking. I'd be interested to know. I'm not interested actually. I'm okay with that. If you meet my parents, go for it. Ask them. Where are they at? They're in? Virginia. Okay. Schedule a trip to Virginia. Questions. Virginia? It was meth.

That's West Virginia. Hey, come on. No shit on my state. Come on. Those cousin fuckers have driver's license. They migrate. Lewis. Yeah, were they like old family members or something? Well, they weren't related. They were like, no.

They're in their 30s, so like I was saying, people don't wait. I'm the only disabled guy in the family, so I don't know. What, you're disabled? I guess. Well, you're funny as hell, Martin. You're an absolute monster. No better way to get the show started than with you tonight. Thank you.

He shows us how it's done time and time again, truly claiming the territory of one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the show's history. And we found him out of the bucket, just like we find everybody. Oh, there she is, ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Heidi is with us.

And so we get to our first bucket pool of the night. Anything could happen. Could be a great comedian that has a rough set. Could be a bad comedian that has a good set. Bad comedian has a bad set. Good comedian has a good set. Could be somebody's first time. They could be doing it for two decades. Anything could happen. This is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted by your first bucket pool of the night. It goes by the name of Will F, everybody. Here's Will F.

Hi, hey everybody. It's an absolute pleasure to be here. So recently I went on a road trip from Salt Lake City, Utah to San Antonio, Texas. It's about a two hour drive. And I got pretty lonely, so I figured who can help me feel not so lonely? I decided my ex. So I sent her a text saying, hey, I'm on a road trip. I'm feeling kind of lonely. Could you help me?

maybe give me a call or something. And about 20 minutes goes by and I get a little buzz on my phone while I'm driving and I look down and it's her. I'm so excited. And she sent me a phone number and underneath the phone number it said this is the phone number for the Utah suicide hotline.

I have never been so humbled and yet so rejected at the same time in my entire life. So needless to say, I've never talked to her again. I've actually yet to talk to a girl since then. It kind of ruined my ego. Will Eck, ladies and gentlemen, with a true therapy session here for his 60-second stand-up set, Luis J. Gomez. I know why his last name is Eck. Oh!

Oh my goodness. Will, Will, Will. Wow. Will is short for will he ever have a punchline? Wow, Will. So let's talk about it. That was 60 seconds and you made everybody kind of depressed. Somehow you seemed sadder and more pussyless than the shaky cerebral palsy guy that was up here before you wearing a barf shirt.

And yet, here you are. - Yes, sir. - Absolutely incredible. What were your parents doing the night that they made you? That's the real question. - My dad actually told me the night I was conceived. I didn't ask for it, but we were on a, once again, we were on a road trip and he just told me straight up, he was like, "You were conceived in your grandmother's basement."

Okay. There was mold in that basement. Yes, definitely. Absolutely. Semen went airborne, caught a piece of mold, went near mother's vagina with a mold on it. You are mold. And out came... Will Eck. Why is everything that you and your family do always on a road trip? What's happening here? Yeah, I don't know. I...

Are you a homeless family? A little bit, yeah. We grew up pretty poor, actually, yeah. Okay, there you go. Where at? Salt Lake City, Utah. Okay, and why poor? What does your dad do? Well, my dad left when I was eight years old, and so it's just my mom. Did you tell him a joke? No. No.

You had a dad until late, which is better than, I do believe, three-fifths of the panel here tonight. So you're not really a victim. I'm pretty sure maybe Dave and Red Band are the only ones, right? Your dad was in your life? Oh, no. Oh, okay. Oh, no, I did end up here. Right, exactly. Red Band's parents are still together. You could tell. They're not still together. Oh, they're not? They're still alive. Oh, well. You don't know that your direct partner's parents aren't together? No.

You guys got to talk more, man. Never. All right. So, Will, back to you. So how long have you tried stand-up comedy? How many times? What are we doing here? This is actually my very first time. Okay. That makes sense. I could feel that. I was hoping for that.

It felt that way. Yep. It's a relief to hear you say that. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. Is the story true? Yeah, the story is absolutely true. Yep, that actually happened. What made you drive from Salt Lake City to San Antonio? I was...

Depressed. I was losing my mind. You were so depressed that you decided to just huff it to San Antonio. Damn straight, yeah. I fell in love with the NBA like pretty late in my life and the San Antonio Spurs picked me and I went all the way to San Antonio to watch a Spurs game. What? Yes, sir. So you went to a Spurs game? Yeah, yeah. By myself. More depressing, yeah. Really? Yes. What?

First of all, you're too involved with your phone while you're driving. Yes. That might be the old person in me, but I kept hearing all these texts. I'm like, talk to text. Call the bitch, dude. Stop all the fucking...

Now, she really sent you the suicide hotline number. How long were you with this girl for originally? It was a year and a half. Year and a half. How did it happen? That's cold. I know. I know. I haven't talked to a girl since. Well, here you go. How did it end? How did it end to where she's so ruthless to you when you're just being sweet on a road trip? Hey, I just need someone to talk to. It's me, Will.

Yeah. Well, obviously the hotline worked. He's here. Yeah, it's true. It's a redirect. The mothership is located at 320 East 6th Street. This is where they all come. Yeah.

It's actually my fault. So I was like pretty young. I was like 19, 20 when I met her. And she was like starting to kind of talk about like moving in and getting like really serious. And I was like, I kind of just want to play video games and hang out with my boys. So that that was your breakup line. I mean, not with those exact words. How old are you now? I'm 24.

Okay. So this is a while ago. Yeah, this was a while ago. Have you talked to her since? No. You said that you really haven't talked to a girl ever since. Yeah, so the road trip happened in about February. And yeah, so it's been about February that I've even tried to reach out to...

It really destroyed me. I was really like, holy shit, am I depressed? It was this February, the road trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you live here now? I think he's going to kill himself. I'm going to try to help this young. Yeah, I actually got here, so my sister beat the shit out of me about a month ago. Okay. I'm sorry.

I am falling in love with you, Will. This is great. These are the kind of interviews I fucking love. To have one this early in the episode, I am just thrilled. It's my sister beat me that I couldn't go to ballet classes because my teachers would ask questions.

I've been bulimic for three weeks now. Yeah. I still can't get into a two-piece without hating myself. I love it. Dude, quick piece of advice for your second comedy set. Yeah. Maybe lead with that. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Absolutely. How big is your sister?

Yeah, she's taller than me by like two inches. She's a welder too. She weighs about probably 15 pounds heavier than me. Your sister is a welder? Yeah, she's a welder, yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, she beat the fuck out of me. I bet. Tell us how she beat you up. What are some of the things that she did? So, okay, so basically, long story short, she's been making like a lot of bad life decisions. She's a welder. And...

I was getting sick of it. We tried everything. We tried therapy, meds. You say we tried everything. The whole family. How many people are in this family? We're from Salt Lake City, Utah. It's a big family. Oh my God. A whole extended family has got to be like 60 people. And you guys all go to therapy together. No, no, no, no. Not many of us because...

It's kind of like a recent thing. We're all kind of like getting on that wave, that kind of woke wave, you know? Okay. So my sister, you know, we tried everything and nothing was really working. So I decided... She beat the shit out of you. Kill yourself, pussy.

I'm gonna go, actually, technically, she didn't kick my ass. She made me keep hitting myself while telling me nonsense. But I broke three ribs, separated a shoulder.

So what did she do to you? Keep going. So finally, I had a talk with my little brother. I was like, we've tried everything. Like, is it time to just go in guns a blazing? Just try and tear her apart and really like get through her head. Why do I feel like your little brother's bigger than you? He's also bigger than me. Yeah, he's six feet tall. Yeah, he's six feet tall. He's bigger than me. And he weight lifts and everything. He's going to the gym, hitting the iron playground. He's a big guy now. The iron playground. Wow, look at you. Toughest thing I've ever heard you say or do, Will.

Thank you, Tony. You're welcome. So yeah, so I went in guns a blazing. I just tried to rip her apart. I probably called her fucking stupid too many times. And she was currently reading book four of Harry Potter hardback. And she walked up to me face to face and held the book over my head. And I said, do it fucking hit me. And she did. And then she grabbed my shirt and repeated the punch me in the head.

When you say head, you mean like top of the head? No, like in the temple. She hit me. That part's a little swollen on you. Still to this day? You have like a little Martian, a little bit of a Martian-shaped head. I haven't felt the same ever since, actually. Unbelievable. Did you fight back?

Yeah, yeah, actually, okay, so... You fought back in law? No, okay, so look, this is... It's debatable, it's debatable. I knocked her down three times, but I also walked away first. Oh, through knockdown rule. Okay, you won. Well, but then I walked away first. She was still ready to fight. What commission were you working with? Huh?

You're still sitting? She's standing over you? No, so, yeah, no, I never fell down once. I knocked her down three times. Wait a second, hold on. All right. Fucking Jake LaMotta over here. Yeah. How did you knock her down? What was your move? Well, the first time I just grabbed her leg and I thought that she'd be done because I put her down and then she stood back up and kept on swinging. Right. And then the second time I hit her in the head and she fell over and then the third time I just kind of... Did she say, I didn't hear no bell? Ha ha!

By the way, where's Joe Rogan? They should let women fight guys. Dude, she beat my ass. Yeah, she's 1-0 against dudes. I got scars on my chest from her scratching me while doing it and everything. Do you live here now? So I literally moved here yesterday at 6 p.m. Wow. Wow.

Tell us more about that. Running from an abusive sister. Yeah. I couch surfed for a month after it happened, and then I said, fuck it, I'm moving to Austin, and here I am. Wow, here you are, and you're the first bucket pool of the night. That's absolutely incredible. Now, you said you haven't talked to a girl since. Is that true? Well, I talk to coworkers and stuff, but I haven't talked to a girl. What do you do for work?

Well, okay, so I just moved here, so I don't have a job right now. But just previously, I was working at like a cafe diner. A cafe diner? Yeah. You were a waitress? I was a waitress. And you were judging your girl for being a welder? Oh, no, your sister's a welder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My sister's a welder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what you're good at? Cafe diner? Yeah, I was like a line prep cook. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. So...

Very interesting. Are you good at it? Is that what you like to do? No, actually fucking hate it. Really? Yeah, my last week I told my boss repeatedly, I fucking hate the line. I fucking hate the line. He said, what are you going to do? Your sister beat you up. I was couched. I'm not going to come here and tell you to do it or else, but. Interesting stuff. So first of all, we're going to help you get a job.

Wow. You're in Austin, Texas. And thank you. Thank you. You're going to be a punching bag at the female boxing gym. Yeah. I'd be incredible at it. You wouldn't believe. I'm going to go over to Orange Theory and beat the shit out of that fucking guy. And on top of that, we are also going to get you tickets to a Spurs game.

And on top of that, ladies and gentlemen, since I find your interview to be so, you gave us so much to work with, Will, and that deserves a reward. Will, when was the last time you kissed a girl? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Um...

Why don't you put the mic back in the mic stand? I'd like to introduce to you a young lady who was on the show once before. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a little segment that we call Kiss Me in the show's history.

We're a young buck that needs one, gets one. And I'd like to reintroduce one of the most famous kissers of all time. Only kissed one boy on this show and took the internet by storm. Make some noise for Riley, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Will, look at him. Look how nervous he is. Yeah, dude, I haven't done this in so long, Tony. Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is how the magic happens. Oh, shit.

Riley, you want to take him to La La Land? Welcome to Austin, Texas, buddy. Wow. Amazing. Tony, how'd I do? He's not used to not getting the shit beat out of him by a girl. Oh.

Ladies and gentlemen, how about a hand for Riley, ladies and gentlemen? Go grab a drink at the Betty's some night, the coolest bar in Austin, Texas. And Will, how do you feel? Good. Good. Wow, you're like a whole different person. I feel like I fucked it up pretty bad. Explain to us how you think you fucked it up. You're currently having a herpes outbreak. Ha!

You were all tongue, no mouth. I was... What did you try to do there? I didn't really get a good angle at it. Yeah, well, I feel like I went slow. Like he said, I kind of grabbed the back of her head. I don't know if that's game or not. I don't know if that's cool. Oh, you liked it? No, no, it was odd. Oh, I thought you said hot. Oh, no.

That's usually like a little bit into the make out. Maybe you go for like a face or something. You had like a... Yeah. Listen, a lot of pressure. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. You went against your instincts. You didn't sweep the leg. You...

Went for the back of the head. Ladies and gentlemen, you know, normally a first set like that, you'd get a little joke book because you had zero punchlines, but God damn it, you rocked the interview. Thank you. I love your style. Thank you. And you have a lot of work to do, so here's the big joke book from the great Bonsai. There goes Willek. And like that, the show has begun. This is Kill Tony.

Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Luke Stamm, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Luke Stamm. Stamm!

Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Indeed, it can be challenging to find and meet with a therapist that is the right fit. Talkspace is so accessible from personalized treatment to meeting online from anywhere to the ability to text your therapist at any time. Therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in network with most insurance providers. Most insured members have a $0 copay, Red.

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Hey, y'all, this podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. According to research, a major challenge that many employers face is the pressure to hire quickly, and it's a tough hurdle to overcome because it's so time-consuming to search for great candidates and sort through applications. Well, if you're an employer who can relate, I have one question for you. Have you tried ZipRecruiter? ZipRecruiter has figured out how to solve this very problem. In fact, four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. And right now, you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony.

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on ZipRecruiter. Let ZipRecruiter speed up your hiring. See for yourself. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony right now to try it for free. That's the same price as a genuine smile from a stranger, a picture-perfect sunset, or a cute dog running up to you and licking your hand. Again, it's free. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. I found out that Helen Keller's father was a captain of the Confederate Army.

So I guess that bitch got what she had coming. Because if she could speak, she certainly would have said the N-word entirely too much. Then again, I'm not sure she had the capacity to be racist because she was also blind. So everybody was black to her. The fucking horrors. Listen, I think you should be able to say all the slurs. We're just having fun. We're just goofing around.

But there is one slur you should never say, and that's the N-word. Because if you do say it and you're not supposed to, they're gonna start acting like one. And we don't need that kind of crime in our communities. I found out that the microwave oven was invented October 15th, 1945. That was a fucking close one. World War II ended a month prior. I'm just glad that housewives caught on to the microwave before Hitler did.

Because the only thing worse than a quicker genocide is one that's still cold in the center when you're done with it. Wow. Luke Stam coming in hot. Very good, my friend.

How's it going? Really good. Thank you for asking, Luke. Welcome, Luis J. Gomez. Would you like to join the Legion of Skanks? Yeah. There you go. You could just be one of us, dude. There it is, the four horsemen. Big J, what do you think of this guy's performance? It was great. I got to say, with the angle I was watching it from, this light right here,

was cascading off of his forearm. And I know this fear. When he knows he's going for a joke, that that's, that that balls out, and it went over, all the hairs in his arm just raised up. Like a cat, he was like, yes! Woo! It's like banging heroin telling jokes like that, because you don't know if it's going to work well or not. I wish your mustache would have straightened. Fuck yeah, me too.

Absolutely incredible performance. I didn't realize Roseanne got pregnant by Ron Jeremy 30 years ago. This is amazing. You have quite the style to you, Luke. You've been on this show before, I remember. Yeah, I got on a month ago. Yeah. So remind us, what do you do for work? How long have you been doing this? What do I do? I do valet. I drive people's cars for a living and...

What was the other question? I wasn't paying attention. How long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, four years. Very good. And you live here now? Yeah, I live here in Austin. I love it. All right. Well, you were on a month ago. We had an interview then. Have you thought back at something that we might find interesting for your interview portion? Well, so... Last guy got the shit beat up. I told you that I was like a cokehead and an alcoholic, but I'm sober now. And before the episode came out, I called my mother and told her all that. Uh-huh.

And that was just the end of that. We didn't talk about it again. What do you mean? I just told her that I was a co-cadet because I was worried that she was going to see it. I thought she was pissed off you quit. No, no, no, no, no. That's what it sounded like. Yeah. Okay, so that was the end of that. Yeah. Okay. It didn't really go anywhere. Okay.

I thought I was like doing a good thing. Like I'm sober now, mom. I love you. And then she's like, okay, I couldn't. If I ended up being in a bathroom doing cocaine with you, that would be the literal rock bottom of my life. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think you've done cocaine in a bathroom at me in Colorado. Have I done cocaine? You came to my local club and did it. Did I really? Yeah.

- Lewis. - Skanks! Skanks! Skanks! Skanks! Skanks! Skanks! - Wow! - Skanks! - Wow! - What was this? How long ago was that? - I don't know, like a year or two ago with Aaron Berg. - I haven't done cocaine in like three years. Which club was this? - Looney's Comedy Corner, Colorado Springs. - I've never been to Looney's Comedy Corner. - You went there with Aaron Berg and Zach. - He did tour with Aaron Berg!

- Is that a cannon? - I love that Lewis is trying to be like, "No, I've never, it couldn't possibly be." He's like, "You did 17 minutes and 23 seconds. Your closing line was, 'Thank you.'" - Yeah. - I love that Lewis started by saying, "If I ever did cocaine with you, that was my rock bottom." And then he realized he didn't remember doing cocaine with him. This is Lewis's rock bottom right now. ♪ ♪

Holy shit. Unbelievable. You literally can't make it up. That is amazing. Wow. What's the name of that comedy club? Looney's Comedy Corner. Where is that? It's in Colorado Springs. Wow.

Colorado Springs where cocaine goes to die. Wow. Unbelievable. I've seen him eat another man's kidney stone, but doing coke with this guy in a bathroom in Colorado Springs at a place called the Looney Corner really is... That is unbelievable that this has been revealed live, technically in front of millions of people.

Breaking news. Lewis has hit rock bottom and survived. Years ago, we're finding out in real time, thriving. Hit rock bottom, didn't realize it, pressed forward. Unbelievable. If a Puerto Rican hits rock bottom and no one's there to tell him, did it ever really happen? Did you have that mustache? You didn't remember this guy with that mustache.

When I do cocaine, I do a lot of crazy shit. I don't remember. I might have fucked this guy. I got to be honest. Do you remember more about that night? Perhaps you can reveal to Lewis who seems to not have much of a memory about it. I don't remember much from the night. I was drinking like over a fifth a night for a long time. Wow. Jesus. We didn't have to make it sad. Jesus, fuck. I was having a blast. It was the time of my life. The mustache is puzzling me. I don't know why. I'm obsessed with it.

Is it mustache wax you have in that? Fuck yeah, it's waxed. It is wild. I can kind of see why it would throw you off, Big J, because it appears to be the only part of his entire body that he takes care of. Yeah, it's like... But it doesn't look like it's thick enough to do... It looks like the hair around cat pussies after they piss. It is very strange. It's like...

It is absolutely incredible. You have quite the style, Luke Stamm. A very, very, very, very, very funny set. Congratulations. An amazing appearance. Thank you. Hey, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Ooh la la. Booked on a real show. It just happened. You saw it.

All right, there he goes, Luke Stamm. You got a joke book last time, and he's off to the races. And now we continue our adventure into bucket land, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian, Carly Anderson, with an uninterrupted minute. I'm very socially awkward. It's hard, especially in the bedroom. It's never a good time. The other day, this guy, I was giving him the Gluck Gluck 5000. Yeah.

the Sloptimus Prime, if you will, sir. And he started dirty talking with me. He was like, yeah, how's that dick taste? Which, first of all, don't ask. Don't ask unless you really want to know, okay? And he wanted to know, so I thought I'd give him a restaurant review. Yeah, so I hit him with that Gordon Ramsay. I came up for air, and I was like, too much cheddar. Back to the kitchen! And, uh,

He blocked me, so that's it. All right, thank you. All right, Carly Anderson, you've been on this show before. Welcome back. Yeah, what's up? How's it going? It's going good, yeah. Did that really happen? Yeah, it did. Wow. It did, yeah. And it really tasted cheddar-y? It did. Or were you being funny? No, it actually did. It tasted like those cheddar pretzels you guys ever had. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. It tasted delicious? One could say that, yeah. Yeah, that's more of a car ride snack. Yeah.

Yeah. I only get combos on the road. Yeah. Less salty, more cheesy than I would have preferred. If there's ever cheese, and I say this as a guy, stop. Yeah. Don't make a little quirky joke up in his face. Sure, the payoff is great, but at the moment, he should know there's an issue. Yeah. I mean, he found out, just like in a not very nice way. Yeah, you gotta stop. You should be gone, like, as in Gorgonzola. Yeah.

And I need the number to the Utah suicide holler. It happens that quick, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going, you can catch me at the Looney Tune corner in Colorado Springs. That's all it took is one Gorgonzola cheese dick joke from Tony's. That's my bottom. You've seen, you've heard of Louis's rock bottom and you've seen my rock bottom here tonight.

Carly, you seem like the kind of girl that would have an active sex life. You try to, you talk about sucking dick. That's actually so flattering for me personally. I remember you kind of laying it on Thicto. Who was it? Theo Vaughn or something, right? Oh, yeah. No, I'll never live that down, actually. Right. People haunt me with that one. Yeah, it's happening right now. Yeah. Thank you. I have a boyfriend now, though, so it's just one guy. Nice. What made you settle down with this guy? Um.

He's great. He's awesome. We have very similar interests. Like what? Sucking dick? Can we guess? Can we guess what the interests are? Yeah, let's guess. Finding old books. Not shaving each other's armpits. They're shaved, I promise. I saw the hairs on her armpits stand up when the joke went good. She knew she was going for it.

But he does stand up as well, so we kind of just bonded through that. Oh, it's going to work out. Yeah. No, it always does. Right. Are his jokes as cheesy as his cock? No. No, he was not the cheddar one. He's a clean gentleman. Oh, okay. You call that guy your cheddar bae? Whoa. Let's kill ourselves together. Yeah. Oh, God.

My goodness, these cheese dick jokes are rough. Was he uncircumcised or something? No, he wasn't. That's what's so surprising. Just sweaty and gross. Did you just pull it out aggressively and he came back from the gym or something? No, it was like a late night so I don't know if it was just a lot of dancing on the dance floor or something. You guys were dancing on the dance floor? No, it just was a late night so I feel like... You assume he was probably dancing before he got home?

I'm just looking for an explanation. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Carly, what do you do for work?

I am a stripper. Oh, wow. Wow, that was very quick. Red Band knew that somehow. Yeah, Red Band. Finger lingering over the cherry pie button. Where have you seen this young lady at their little... Look who's playing a little hide and seek over here. It's almost like he subscribes to the OnlyFans or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Man. You're on OnlyFans? I am, yeah. What types of things do you do on OnlyFans?

You know, pictures. Whoa. Whoa. Damn. Shit. A stripper is a funny thing to be when you start by saying, I'm socially awkward. Oh, yeah. He goes, I'm sorry. He goes, I'm weird about meeting people. Don't make very good money with my personality, to be honest with you. Sorry if I'm weird with conversation, split gash. Yeah.

Sorry. No, Mike, everything's important is down here. Oh, God. Yeah, I'm very bad at the job. So what's on your OnlyFans? What's the type of content that you have? This could be a huge money-making opportunity for you right now. A lot of young men are watching this right now. Poop stuff? I'm asking for a friend. I do customs, if you're wondering. Okay.

I do a lot of pole dancing videos. I take a lot of pride in that. It's actually very hard. By the way, guys hate pole dancing. We don't give a shit at all about it. Okay. Yeah, we just want you to lie on the floor and cry. Okay. Yeah, while you're getting naked or dildoing yourself, say things like, I have to do this to get my kids back from the government. Don't show my vagina on OnlyFans. I won't do that. No.

Somewhere in the back, her dad was clapping. I just lost all future subscribers. Awesome. No, I don't. I don't show my vagina. But you might one day, so subscribe and we'll see. No.

Do you hate money? I do. What's the craziest thing you've done on your OnlyFans? Like, what's the one where you're like, okay, I'll go to this next level and we'll see how much money I get? I had one guy maybe like a year ago that paid me to get on like a Zoom call with him and I just watched him jerk off in like a Zoom meeting. Wow. Yeah. It was Skype, by the way. No.

Oh my goodness. Yeah, and it was small, by the way, too. Wow. Did you just watch? No, I just watched. No, I just watched and was like, nice, man. Is that good for you? That is so interesting to me. I don't understand what the... What the appeal is? Right, I don't get it. It's weird. Why would you watching that

make him excited. How lonely of a... Was his name Will Eck by any chance? He's going through something. No, no. His name was Brian Redband. There you go. There's no vagina. You might like it, Tony. Oh my goodness. That's right. That is true. Redband. Redband. Settle down.

Settle down. Settle down. I've got a strap on if you want me to put it on for you. Oh my God, what is happening? How much would that cost exactly? For you, two grand. Whoa. All right. Good news is you're going to a Spurs game with a lonely boy. Lonely boy.

Obviously, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Oh, great. Obviously, I would love to have you on The Secret Show. Great. All right. Carly, great stuff. You already have a joke book. Yeah, I do. You just made a bunch of money on OnlyFans. Cool. Congratulations. Thank you. There she goes. Carly Anderson, everybody. Vaginalists, OnlyFans. What a dream.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that time to where it is indeed time for a regular. A brand new minute from somebody that you have watched absolutely thrive. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Make some noise for the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. Thank you.

I love you too, white bitch. This is good. I was just in Redding, Pennsylvania. That place is terrible. Don't woo for that. Don't woo for that. That place is god-awful, nigga. I hate that place so much. It reminded me, like, if the Civil War went through there, and they were like, we don't got to build no more. It was over. They stopped building. That place was terrible. That joke didn't go well. All right, next joke.

I seen the Amish, now listen, I know I talked about wanting to fuck an Amish last time and I really did. I wanted to fuck one for real. I really wanted to. And then I went up close, I went to like an Amish farm for real. And I'ma tell you something, they ugly as fuck. They hideous, dog. They all look like they inbred. It didn't look good at all. It was pretty terrible. The Amish guy that was doing this, he was taking us on a tour. The only other black guy that was on the tour was Marshawn Lynch.

And he kept calling him OJ Simpson for some reason. And that was fucking crazy. And I asked him, I said, hey man, have there been any other black people here that's been like Amish? And then he just went, well, a girl got raped once. That wasn't the answer I was looking for at all. When I was lackluster, I'm done. Cam Patterson with another new minute. Out there doing the road, middle of Pennsylvania.

I missed FaceTime from you on Saturday night. I was on the field at a Longhorns game. It was an absolute fucking blast. My first one. Going to be doing that a lot. And missed a shit ton of phone calls. One of them, the rare FaceTime from Cam Patterson. And then I make it to my messages and there's tons of pictures with you and everybody dressed up as Amish people. Ha ha ha!

What went down exactly? We haven't gotten to catch up since then. We went to an Amish farm for real. We went there and we seen Amish. I was like, I want to dress like one for the show tonight. So I did. But Jolly kept calling us pilgrims. And that's not the same thing at all. Like, nigga, we pilgrims now. I don't think that's it at all. And the funny thing was, we dressed as the Amish and everybody did it. Everybody did it. Jessica or Hans, we all dressed as Amish. And me and Jolly, we just looked like slaves. So that wasn't...

That wasn't a good look at all. We looked kind of terrible. I was like, wait a fucking minute, dog. Don't do that, Red. Don't fucking do that.

It was bad. It wasn't a good look for us as a group, as a community. It would look really bad. It is true. You guys looked slave-esque indeed. Yeah, we did. And then I saw Jetski Johnson in the picture and I'm like, oh, okay, they must be alright. Yeah, it was true. You guys went all Amish for that. Did it go over with the crowd? They liked it. They fucked with it. Yeah, because they right by the Amish and shit. Yeah. It's kind of crazy, dog. They just like living their lives like fucking retards. It's pretty crazy.

We don't like electricity. That's fucking stupid, dog. The dude was like, what's that look? He kept calling my phone a magic box. That was gay. That was pretty stupid. He kept calling it. I was like, this guy's retarded, dog. This is pretty dumb. I hate diamonds now, dog.

And they'll never see this. Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? They don't have phones. That is true. You can make fun of the Amish all you want. It is the only group of people that cannot cancel you. They will never see it.

They can't even tell. They'll never know. Fuck them. No idea. Yeah, fuck the Amish, man. They are ugly as fuck. You notice that? They ugly as shit. It is true. Famously ugly. They ugly as fuck, dog. And the smell. You ever seen Kingpin? What that is? It's a grape. Let me explain exactly what that is.

That it's one of the funniest, most underrated movies of all time. Oh, oh! The Farrelly Brothers, Woody Harrelson, Bill Murray. It's a bowling movie, but it's largely shaped around the Amish community and how ugly the people are. Nah, they look terrible. The women and the men.

frightening group of people. Yeah, they look horrible, dog. It's pretty crazy. Hey, why y'all just bring a beautiful white bitch out to kiss these fucking retards, dog? Why can't I kiss a beautiful white bitch? That made me upset. I thought about that for a second. You need it on the show as well the rest of your life? Oh, no, not really. No, not really. I just wanted to say that. No, I know. Cam, you look like Puffy's mugshot. Don't do that. Don't do that. Wait a minute.

Do not do that. Do not do that. I do not own baby oil. Leave me alone. No. I'm cutting my hair off. It's over. No, it's good. What's the craziest party you've ever been to? You've been invited to some wild things, right? That part I went to had got shot up and nigga died. Oh. Well, okey dokey.

It's a tricky show. You don't know exactly what answers you're going to get. I think you knew I was going to say that. Somebody died in the last part I went through. It was funny too because I dapped the killer up before he did it. Wait, what? I dapped him up before he killed the guy, yeah. You dapped up the killer? Yeah. Okay. He was on the same basketball team. That sounds like a racial stereotype. No, no, no. He was white. He was white. He was white? The shooter was white? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, wow. It must have been a, what, like a rifle? Nah, he was... Was your party in a school? Was it weird seeing a guy shoot somebody properly holding the gun? It must have... All you guys must have been like, why is he holding it sideways? Big J, what do you think about all this chaos? Um...

Why come you was in Amish country? What? What? Why come you was in Amish country? This high sound of people? What? Why am you was... What are you trying to say to me right now? In Amish country? Lewis, how do I tell him? He wants to know what you is be doing in Amish country. Oh, baking soda!

Well, no. Before I went there, I was trying to find one to fuck, and then... Oh.

And then I seen them, I was like, I don't want to fuck none of these bitches. No, no, not even for the story on that one. No, not even. It wouldn't have been a good time. Those sense memories will last forever. I will tell you, it was one on, it was one on. She would like, she had did like Rumspringles and shit, and she was running like the whole. Wait, what? She had did Rumspringles. Like a what? Rumspringles. Where they get to do whatever they want. Yeah, they let them leave and figure out where the world is. Then they come back, they cool. Oh. But this bitch left, and then she just kept leaving. She was gone.

She was just gone. But then she came back to start, like, the little buggy shit that we did, and she had a fat ass. So I see why she love. You know what I'm saying? Okay. Yep. All right. An Amish girl with a fat ass. Yeah. That's what happens. Lugging wood around and building barns and stuff. Homemade butter. Yeah. Absolutely. Wow. So you were in Redding, Pennsylvania. Where else? In, uh...

- So Virginia? - Yeah, Virginia, yeah, Richmond. - Okay. - Yeah, it was in Richmond. - Were Martin's parents there by any chance? - They from Richmond? - They're from Virginia, I don't know which part. - Oh, I didn't see that. Ain't somebody walk around like this, man. Ain't nobody like that in this suit. I did not. - Amazing.

Amazing. That shit funny. What else is going on? We're ramping up for Vegas this week. Yeah, yeah. Excited about that. Yeah, I'm excited. That's going to be fun. What do you like to do in Vegas? I don't do shit, man. I like to watch my grandma gamble because she give me her winners and shit. Every time my grandma wins, she give me the money. So I be like, I like that shit. That shit be cool. What? I say every time my grandma win and she gamble in Vegas, she give me the money and shit. How dare you disrespect the woman who I'm assuming raised him? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

She did. You're not wrong, brother. These people know as know what be being. Y'all ain't even fucking be knowing. Shit. No cap. I'm on Steve, nigga. You ever do an impression of how white people talk? What would that sound like if you did that? Get us back. Strike us down with your dark energies.

Hello, brother. What the fuck? I said, hello, a feather white man. Here's a 25% tip. See? Cam Patterson, the legend. We love him. You know him. He did it again. Another new minute. Another great interview. Pure charisma, star power. It's all going down.

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All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys still having fun out there? Here we go, make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds from Ya Boy Cheech. Ya Boy Cheech.

Yeah. Fucking, so I've been to so many major festivals and I'm telling you this. I've done so many whippets. I have gained control of my mustache hairs, guys. I am Dr. Zoidberg up in this bitch. Yeah. So anyway.

Anyway, shut the fuck up. Let me get through my fucking set. Anyway, ooh! Anyway. So here's an impersonation for you. So this is fucking Hell's Kitchen if Smeagol was Gordon Ramsay. I brought the taintis for you, sir.

- Taters? What are you, are these taters for you sir? - All right, the bear was eager to come out on that one. Ya boy Cheech. When ya boy is written into the actual name of the character, you can almost tell, right? It's almost like, well, they'll like this because like I'm telling them that I'm their boy, but nobody I think wants to claim you Cheech. - I know.

Here you are. Wow. That's as bad as it gets, if you're wondering. You lost place of your set. You didn't know what to do next, so you started repeating back noises and things that you were hearing from the crowd. Yeah, no, it was bad. It was horrible. You panicked. You scrambled there. Totally, yes. Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up for, you believe? Three years. No. Three years. Where at? So for the past 11 months, I've been going city to city.

City to city? Yes. Okay. And yeah, I panicked. Yeah. For sure. So when you go city to city, who's booking these shows? How are you? No, no. I've been doing open mics. Well, why would you do open mic city to city instead of just staying in one place and doing an open mic that's just as open as all the other mics? Because I've had a hard life and I wanted to fulfill my dream again.

'Cause I was a musician beforehand. Yeah, dude, you rule, and I'm gonna tell you why I'm saying that. This guy's got Kai the fucking Hatchet Guy vibes, and he's gonna come for us one by one. He's gonna be X-ing off our faces in a picture that the four of us took together backstage. You hear that? Whoa.

- Whoa. - I'm good at reading people, dude. You're great. Dude, you fucking rule. - Thanks, dude. Thank you so much. - Yeah, boy Cheech, let's talk about it. You made a real point to say that you had a hard life. I'm interested to hear, explain to us, what was so hard about your life? - Growing up very poor. - You're gonna have to do better than that, Kamala Harris. - My dad was a drug addict.

I was raised in a lower middle class family. Yeah. You can do better than poor. What's so hard about your life? Abuse. Yeah. What kind? My dad was a drug addict and a very hard drinker. Okay. And so like he would come home and yeah, he would. Did he hit you or fuck you? I know the pauses are long. The pauses are long.

The pauses are long. But yeah, my dad would come home and I would have to hide my brothers from like my dad. And what was he doing to you guys? Oh, just. Oh, thank God. We thought he was fucking you. No, you're fine. No, no, no, no. That was somebody else. So closed fist hitting.

Were you guys misbehaving or something like that? Or was he just coming in angry? Was it your fault? Maybe someone would think that it was misbehaving. Were you doing your act for him? Yeah, exactly. I mean, what was going on? You have to have punchlines, you dumb piece of shit. Come on, Dad. You can just crazy giggle your way through it. That's what your mother said before I put her six feet down. None of this is funny.

So let's jump into it. Was your mom there? Did your mom help raise you? Oh, yeah, she was there, but, you know, when everything's tough, you know. How long did she stay with your dad? The whole time? Until I was 14, and then she married someone else. She just went straight from your dad, right? Yeah, someone else who was abusive.

Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, yeah, I know. Talk about after that, after you became an adult and you had a choice to either be a victim your entire life or thrive. Oh, dude, I've lived my life. Okay, tell us about that. I was doing music. I did metal. What did you do with metal? I did metal music. Now, don't red band. What did you do with metal?

Yeah, no, it's fucking... Listen to me. Over here, listen to me. What did you do with metal music? I was a vocalist. Like... Like fucking deathcore. Deathcore, grindcore. Okay. I'm just going to get rid of you. And you can sign up again some other time.

I don't like the vibes of this thing at all. It's all weird. It's okay. Sign up again next time. Prepare. Take your time. Three years of experience. Dude, you're the shit, man. You're so fucking cool. That guy rules. We're going to keep it moving along. Your next bucket poll. Make some noise for Selena Vabias. Selena Vabias.

What the fuck is up, Texas? I'm a Mexican from Alabama that doesn't speak Spanish. Let's fucking go. Hell yeah. I wore the shirt so you guys would pay attention to me. As a bigger girl, what I don't wear is, though, is animal print. I fucking refuse to wear animal print.

And I'm gonna tell you why. If you're gonna wear animal print, let's not be the same size as the animal that you're wearing. Super fucking confusing. I live in Florida. Fuck Florida. Hell yeah. I fucking hate Disney though. I hate Disney so much. And it's not because of all the gay shit. I hate Disney.

Because of the cultural misguidance in their fucking movies, right? I'm a Mexican. We should have been the Little Mermaid. She shouldn't have been black. We're the original wetbacks, motherfuckers. Thank you guys so much.

Hell yeah. Selena Vabias, am I saying that right? U-bias, like Mexican. Oh, that's a U. Yeah. Okay, U-bias. U-bias, yep, yeah. Okay, great. Yeah. Welcome, welcome. Thank you so much. How long have you been doing stand-up? I have been doing stand-up for a year and six months now. Fantastic. I love it. Thank you. Where at? In Melbourne, Florida. Okay. Yeah. Wow. I didn't realize the panhandle was a frying panhandle.

That's where the first ever Kill 20 regular Kim Congdon is from. That's her hometown. That is correct. Yeah. Look at that. Kim Congdon and King Congdon. The fat version of her.

Amazing. What do you do for work, Selena? I give facials for a living, actually. Wow. Yeah. Look at that. A squirter. Nice. It's not an OnlyFans. Not an OnlyFans. I'm a licensed esthetician, so skincare. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. I love it. Very funny. I love the self-deprecating stuff. Hell yeah. Very good. Thank you. Amazing. Tell us more about your life. What have you been doing? Yeah.

You know, I'm trying to get my green card, so I'm dating a white dude with autism. Wait, you're really not an American citizen? No, I'm just fucking with you. I am. Hell yeah. I love Trump. I'd suck his dick like there was Ozempic in it for sure. Okay. Wow. This is something we can agree on. Amazing stuff. Yeah. You just like him because he can't build a wall big enough for you?

And if he did, you would bust through it like the Kool-Aid guy in your room. Yeah. Trump's wall hates to see me coming. There's no way. It doesn't stand a chance. That's right. That's right. And you look like you've been eating some cats and some dogs. Oh, fuck yeah. Oh my God. Red pan. Red pan.

Cody, I want to say, a year and a half, you have a great stage presence, great confidence. Like, seriously. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. It really is. Thank you. What, Jay? She has nice tits. Leave me alone. No, no, no. I'm not saying that. It was just, that was such a guilty feeling. It was like, hey, you're fat, but seriously, you have...

No, she really does that. We don't just trash them, I think. Thank you. They're natural. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. That is amazing. They are natural. I can't afford fake tits, so I ate my way here. That's amazing. I love it. What are some of your foods of choice? How do you get to them?

Honestly, mac and cheese is the shit, dude. Wow, look at that. Red band. Red band's about to invite you to the secret show. You keep talking about mac and cheese like that. You're about to make it, girl. Yeah, yeah.

I love it. Mac and cheese. Yeah. Craft mac and cheese. Powder shit. Fuck. Damn. Hell yeah. That is garbage. Yeah. You know you're a fat ass when that shit's good to you. What's your love life like? What kind of guys are you into? What'd you say? I'm so sorry. What kind of guys are you into? White dudes with autism that do jujitsu. That's my shit. Yeah. Whoa. Fuck yeah. That's what I'm into. Wow. Two out of three. Yeah.

My goodness. So close. Amazing. And you found a white dude? I sure as fuck did. Who is white, bald, does jujitsu, and has severe autism. Severe? What kind of autism is it? Like, what's his... Like, he's almost nonverbal autistic. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And you just trained him to fuck? Exactly. Precisely. Wow. Can you legally teach jujitsu to someone with retard strength? Yeah.

Yeah, that is dangerous. Does he have any special moves in the bedroom that you adore? This autistic jiu-jitsu? Yeah, he likes to put me in an arm bar when he's fucking me, and I'm kind of into it, honestly. Does he count every pussy lick? One, two, three, four. Your 62 comes. That is amazing.

Selena, what else? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? Hobbies? I like to steal from Walmart. Whoa. Fuck yeah. Fuck Walmart. Which department? I know it's not the produce department. What are you targeting at Walmart exactly? No, yeah, I got arrested for stealing from Walmart because I stole the movie Midsommar on Blu-ray DVD. Whoa. So, yeah, I got arrested for that. And then they found the baby pool under your jacket? Yeah.

No one laughed because it was fat on fat crime. Yeah, exactly. I apologize. It's fine, honestly. Did you ever get around to watching that movie? No, actually. I did not. I still haven't seen it. I need to watch it. It's a great movie. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Very, very interesting, Selena. So what are some of your goals? You've been doing it a year and a half. You just had a great set here. Thank you. What's next for you?

I just want to be a fucking comedian, dude. I want to make people laugh. I love it. This shit was so sick. It feels fucking great. Today's my birthday, too, dude. Oh, look at that. Wow. Wow. Yeah, my 26th birthday. You had another excuse for you to eat cake. Happy...

Happy birthday. Thank you. You are absolutely amazing, Selena. Thank you. I think you have a great future in this if you keep writing jokes like that. Thank you. I appreciate it. There's a big joke book. The Kill Tony debut of Selena Ubaez, ladies and gentlemen. It's interesting. Her name was Selena because I thought she was the woman who killed Selena. No, the only shots she took are of insulin. Right.

We are in pure Mexican mode, ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket poll, 60 seconds uninterrupted by the name of Hector C. Fuentes. Hector C. Fuentes. I'm bilingual. Let me tell y'all something. When you're bilingual, you're never going to be perfect at either language. The other day, the homie, he was like, look at that guy with the glasses and the beard. That's your doppelganger. I was like, hey, bro, I don't be doing that, bro. Hold up. Hey.

He was like, "Now that's your lookalike." I was like, "Bro, lookalike, three syllables, doppelganger, four syllables, unnecessarily freaky-ass word." I was in New York, two dudes arguing. Only place where this kind of happens, one of them was like, "Charlie, you're being anti-Semitic." And I was like, "Damn, that couldn't be me. I don't retain no semen." But yeah, yeah, hold on, hold on. Check, if y'all know this.

If y'all know this, sing it with me. Money on the dresser, drive a compressor. Top notch hoes get the most, not the lesser. I just learned a compressor was a Mercedes. I thought it was a compresora, bro. Like, that's my time. Thank y'all so much.

Hector Cifuentes. Hector, how are you, my friend? I'm good, man. How long have you been doing stand-up? It's been seven years, man. Wow. I started here, like in San Marcos, Austin. Okay, San Marcos is a different city, but yeah, that counts. Seven years. How old are you? I'm 30 years old, man. 30, started at 23. Very good. What do you do for work? I'm in advertising. I work at an ad agency. Okay, advertising. And I'm picking up on some

urban, like kind of an urban... I'm from Dallas, baby. Yeah, Triple D. Okay. You're originally from Dallas? Yes, sir. Yes. Okay. And you hang out with black people? No. Mexicans. Okay. Nah, not everybody, man. I went to Duncanville High School. It was all blacks, Mexicans. We used to fight each other after school, all that. It's cool. Were you fighting over the battle of who's gonna talk like who and they won? No.

That's kind of the point that I'm getting at, is that it seems like you took some of those traits from them. Did they beat that into you, or...? I've been jumped. Yeah? Tell us about that. Did your glasses break? I didn't have glasses back then, but I remember I was like 15, and after school... If y'all know about this in Dallas, it was...

And the black people and Mexican people, they used to fight after school. And I never was involved with any of that. I was a nerd, but then you would get caught up in the mess. So, boom, boom, boom. Yep. He's getting beat up by Mexicans and blacks. You also have a scar on your forehead. You're like the Mexican Harry Potter. You really are. Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I was off in Dusseldorf when you guys were having that big turf war. Dusseldorf.

I've always started watching Harry Potter. I never finished it, bro. I never... Yeah, so... Don't say it in front of Lewis. He's read the entire book series three times. That's right. Cool, cool, cool. Amazing. What else are you into in life? Tell us something interesting about you. Man, I'm a... I just...

I just had my show this Saturday in Dallas and it sold out, man. Yeah, that's pretty much it. That's cool. How about you tell us something fucking interesting? Oh, I'm a... Yeah, I'm a... Right now, I played a... Do you Hufflepuff weed? No, I don't... Hold on, you were about to say something interesting there. You played a what? No, no, I play soccer. No, but I was going to say that I'm going to Mexico to help pick up the crops that we farmed, like beans. Wait a second. Wait a second.

Hold on. Full stop. Durango. You're going to Mexico to help them pick beans? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what you just said? It's called La Cosecha, like U Farm. It rained in July, and then now there's about to be that season where you have to go do it. Wait, you're telling me our economy is so bad that Americans are going to Mexico? No.

- To pick beans. - I come from farmers, man. - Do you think Mexicans say that we're taking their jobs when that happens? - This is all news to me. I cannot, and of all the things to be picking, beans sounds racist as fuck. - Did you listen to some old racist white guy? He was like, "Go back to Mexico and pick the beans." - I was like, yeah, there's money there. Like, I'm going to Durango, bro. Shout out Durango. But yeah, I mean, it doesn't rain there. - Can the horn players tell me what the fuck he just said?

Is Horchato? Is that the male? It's time to put on a sombrero and double bullet belts. It's northern Mexico, and I come from farmers, you know, and cowboys. Northern Mexico? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Southern Texas? Picking beans. You come from cowboys, but you're not a cowboy. You went to a gangland warfare high school and nerded your way out of it. What were you involved in? I was a class president, bro. Wow. You were the class president, eh?

Yeah, yeah. You keep studying like this and one day you could pick beans in Mexico. They pay you for that? No, no. You're doing it for free. It's my family's. It's like my grandpa's old. What do you tell the ad agency you work at? No, I mean, PTO, baby. I need a little R&R picking beans in Mexico.

That's the most Mexican thing I've ever heard somebody say. It is exactly my point, is that my mind is blown at the stereotype. I'm compelled to work. Yeah, man, it's just helping the family out. If you're paid time off, you're going to Mexico to pick beans.

I could do remote. I could do everything. Yeah. I could do it. You know what I'm saying? Unbelievable. Can you just send your family some money so they don't have to pick beans with you? Say, get somebody else to pick the beans. You know what? Like, really? It's not even about, like, the money. It's kind of about, like, the life. It's about the love of the game. Yeah, really. Yeah, for real. Your long-term passion for bean picking. Understood. Apologies. It's for the Instagram pics. Bro, you're on a tractor with some boots.

- Wow. - Shorty's like that shit. - It was one lady being nice. - Does your whole family go and pick beans? I've never heard of anything like this before. It's something that you do annually? - Well, see, it hadn't rained in two years. And this July, it rained a lot in northern Mexico, so now it's beautiful out there, so yeah. - Wow. - Except the cartel's been burning all this time.

It hasn't been raining there, so they've been dry backs for the last two years? Dude, I'm saying 90% this guy's a drug mule. No, hey, hey, hey, calm down. Whoa. I don't speak Yiddish. I'm not that kind of Jewish. What is going on? We don't know what... Ah, shit.

What? I really didn't know what anti-Semitic was. And I feel like there's not a lot of Jewish community here, so I've been learning more. But yeah, I didn't know I was being offensive with that material to some people. But I still did it tonight. Limited Jews here. Yeah. Yeah.

Well... Tony, he's trying to save your monetization on YouTube right now. Yeah. No, it's incredible. It's incredible. They do disproportionately control the beans, if you know what I mean. But that's from the Vaudeville days. Tony, I love the stitching on that vest. It is wonderful. Thank you. It was done by your people, so that's amazing. When they're not picking beans, they know how to sew these motherfuckers.

Absolutely incredible. Very, very interesting interview. The set was okay. Thank you. Here's a big joke. Hector C. Fuentes, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep it moving along here. Put that mic stand back where you got it from there. There you go. Perfect. Okay. We're going to keep it moving along. There goes Hector. There's Heidi. There's Heidi.

Alright, your next comedian doing 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Connor Loughran everybody. Here comes Connor. Hey, I don't know if you guys can tell by my mustache but I've been a musician for 17 years. As a musician I gotta say I love what heroin's done for music. Hate what it's done for taking a nap in the car. Like maybe I'm just tired in this Walmart parking lot dude. Not everything's a tragedy. I'm sick of being woken up with Narcan.

You see me asleep in my car and you open the door and hear the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, it means I OD'd on weed. Leave me alone. If you're Alice in Chains, maybe go ahead and save me. I'm the man with no cock. Alright, what's... Never tried heroin. I tell people that and they're like, "Really?" And that hurts my feelings. Turns out my vibe is "has tried heroin." They're like, they're like close though, 'cause I have tried meth. Just once.

You shouldn't do meth, but if you have to, once is the best number of times. I'm Connor Loughran. Thanks, guys. There you go. Connor Loughran, everybody. Hey, it went all right. Hi, Connor. This is your first time on the show. Oh, D Madness is back, everybody. He had to go to Africa to pick cotton. He's back doing this ultra weirdly going back to where you came from to do what you do episode.

Nice. You had to be here for the last guy. Connor, this is your first time here, right? Yeah, man. Okay, by the looks of your face, I'm guessing you've had a hell of a life, so let's just jump right into it. Let's get after it. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six years. Where at? Cincinnati, Ohio. Ooh, Cincinnati, Ohio. What do you do for work there? Audiovisual, like production shit. What is there to do with audiovisual in Cincinnati, Ohio? Not a ton, that's why I moved here.

So now you live here. Yes, indeed. How long have you lived here? Two weeks. Okay. What's your living situation? I have an apartment in Travis Heights. Okay. By yourself? Yeah, one bedroom. Oh, my goodness.

So how are you affording that? You saved up money? I work for the AV department at one of the hotels downtown. Nice. Yeah. Cool. What else about you, Connor? You've been doing this six years in Cincinnati. Now you live in the new comedy capital of the world. What's your plan of attack here? Get after it as much as possible. Right. Actually, fun fact for Cincinnati at the Liberty Funny Bone, my first guest spot ever was for this guy right here, Big Jay Oakerson. Wow. Look at that.

- Liberty? Did you do cocaine with him in the green room? Say yes. - I asked him a couple times and he was annoyed about it. - Pussy. Pussy. Liberty? Liberty, Ohio? - Sorry? - Liberty, Ohio? - Yes, sir, the very same. Yeah, it was the shit. - How long have you had a debilitating alcohol problem? - Whoa, on the nose? - Your ears get weird. No, I...

I actually kind of got on top of it before coming here. I was like, I don't need that, too. Financially, it would be a nightmare. So I've been not boozing just in case I get on this show. There you go. And here you are. So you've seen this show before, Connor. You know how it works. Yes, sir. You're in that interview part where, you know, if you give us something interesting about your life, it would be what makes you different. I can play the guitar like a motherfucker. Can you really? Yeah.

Like a motherfucker? Like a motherfucker. Well, we have a Kill Tony guitar. Can we get that thing started to plugged in? We don't have it now? What does that mean? Why would you say that? Because he left it at home. Is that true? Is that true, Matt? Why don't we leave it here since it's the guitar for the show? There you go. Jesus Christ. If I may, Mr. Mewling, I promise I'll play it better than any bucket pole that's ever come on this show. Wow, he is guaranteeing...

And with no hesitation, I've never seen Matt so eager to share his...

This is absolutely unbelievable. I just owe everybody. It appears as though Connor has been practicing deep in the dark, dark, depressing hole of Cincinnati, Ohio. Not to be confused with any of the other cities in Ohio. Cincinnati is an absolute depressing death trap. It's a bitch. Go Bananas is cool, but I got banned.

Wow, how'd you get banned from Go Bananas? It was a disagreement between me and management. They thought none of their walls should have holes in them, and I was like, there's one that should have a hole punched in it. Yeah, they never liked that. Do you mind if I adjust your strap, Matt? Thank you. Oh, well, too late. He did it. Connor, everyone's watching. Are you going to sing, too? Is there anything in particular? Oh, shit, it landed on D-Madness' cock.

So you're going to sing? I'll do some singing. Boys, let's do some blues and E. Whoa, he's calling out the chord. Hey, now, kill Tony. I'm on with the Legion of Skies, yeah. Kill Tony. I'm on with the Legion of Skies. Kill Tony.

Wow! Ladies and gentlemen

Good Lord almighty. Yeah, buddy. Big J. I'm sorry about the strap, man. Can I say something, dude? This light right here, the way it was cascading, I can see four to six pints of spit firing right onto that guy's face. Oh, yeah. And I mean, hosing him down. Guys, give it up for my boyfriend. Well, he is now, because if you got it, he does too.

That was awesome. Thank you, dude. Thank you. Connor Loughran. Here it is. Back to Papa It Goes. So, Connor, how do you feel right now? A little fat, a little gay. Why? You say why? Yeah.

I'm just hosting a show, buddy. There's no reason for the why. I don't think anyone's ever asked me that before, believe it or not. 11 and a half year history, never gotten a why.

It was a chance. It's a good chance. You're in it. You're in it. Yeah, buddy. Connor, give me one more fun fact about your life. I should get you out of here on the big guitar solo, but... Convicted felon. There we go. There we go. There we go. And what was the charge there?

It was drugs. It wasn't one of the bad ones. I'm cool. Marijuana? No. I know how Ohio can be. The State Highway Patrol. They're famously stiff. It was cocaine and it wasn't even mine. I know we all say that. It was mine. Thank you.

No, I was getting a ride from a friend of mine after leaving the Liberty Funny Bone. And he got pulled over by a mall cop. Mall cop called the real cops. Real cops searched the car and found a bag of cocaine. He gave a written statement to those cops saying that I gave him a bag to hide. I know. Wait, hold on. Let's just take it way back. He got pulled over by a mall cop and he pulled over and stopped? That's literally my bit. I'm betrayed. He pulled over for the mall cop. That guy's jurisdiction ends at Dillard's.

Wow. Keep driving. We can beat this. Yeah. Absolutely amazing. Yeah. This guy fucking rules, Tony. Yeah. It's incredible. Can you...

If you can get to Vegas this weekend, we'll give you some spots on Skank Fest. Whoa. Can I shake your hand? I'm 100% doggy. Yeah, you're fucking awesome, dude. Wow. Look who's going to Skank Fest this week. You just saw it happen live in real time. Here's the catch. You can only play guitar solos. Your comedy will not be showcased.

Connor, congratulations. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. He moved to Austin, Texas two weeks ago. Got up. We had a guy that landed here at 6 p.m. today, Will Leck, and he got on stage. This is incredible what's happening. A land of opportunity. The American dream happening live in real time. Your next comedian goes by the name of Andrew Packer, everybody. Here we go. We're flying through it. Andrew Packer. Here we go. Nice. Nice.

I'd like to give you guys a beat just to take this in. I know it's a lot of face coming at you. A lot of sharp angles going on. Kind of like somebody strapped a triangle to a block. That's... I can feel some of you are wondering how I can look like Beavis and Butthead. How is it both? I know, I got this haircut. I looked in the mirror. I was like, "Oh, we made a decision."

I'm rolling with it though. I want to play it to my advantage. I want to start doing some gentle thievery around town. I just as a prank on the police sketch artist. Wow. Incredible. You got me good. The way you came out, I thought, holy shit, this guy's not ready for this.

And I took the bait and fell for it. You made fun of yourself the whole time. Literally said everything that I was going to say about you. I have it down here. Face, sharp angles, B and B. I have the notes. And then, ding, ding, ding, you covered everything. Very rarely does that happen. You've left me with nothing to say to you. All right. Thank you.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About nine years. About nine years. My goodness. Wow, that is incredible. It seems like nine years. That was great. That was what a minute looks like if you've been working hard at it for nine years. Where have you been doing that at? Toronto. Oh, you're Canadian. I'm Canadian. Oh, my goodness. I was wondering what the thing was. That makes sense. God damn. You're like Canada's Theo Vaughn. Yeah!

You got a haircut and jokes. That's what's going on there. Absolutely interesting. What do you do for work, Andrew Parker? Now, anything, out of all the times I feel like I've asked somebody this, this could really go any fucking way right now. It could be anything. I'm just a full-time comedian. Really? Yeah. Wow. Look at that.

How about before that? What did you do before that? I used to sell coconut water. This is a cocaine heavy episode. Did you say coconut water or coke? No, no, coconut water. Keeping people hydrated. So that's what I was doing. I don't know why they're being weird, but I'm being honest. I thought he said I sell coke in the water and I just accepted it. It's Canadian.

Amazing stuff. So you still live in Toronto? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's no escaping there. I got my visa, though, so I can come down here now. Okay. Anytime you want? How does that work exactly? I pay the government a lot of money, and then they let me in for three years. That's all the time I have. Wow.

Wow. Yeah. Three years. And how do you plan on spending that? All of it here in Austin? What's the move here? Just New York here, back and forth, and go see my wife again. Oh, you have a wife up in Canada. And your hands were very far apart when you did that. Like, she's a bigger girl?

Not at all. Not at all. It's the distances. I was looking at the map, like this triangle I have to do. Oh, I see. You went like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And how long have you been with your wife? For a year, but we just got married a year ago, but we've been together for 13 years. 13 years. People cheering a long relationship. We've got some long-term dudes here. There's a lot of very sad people. Yeah.

It's like, yay, a long time with the same person. How exciting. Yes, amazing. Some good Christians in the audience here tonight. So 13 years. And how do you keep things exciting? 13 years with the same exact woman. Explain to us how you do that. I mean, you got to find an awesome person to begin with. Okay. And then I got lucky that I identified that early and then somehow have not fucked it up yet.

But it's not like, I don't know, everyone always complains. They're like, oh, like, oh, one girl, only one, one left. I'm like, there's still a lot of variety to the sex you'll have. This guy cheats. Yeah. Yeah. He's on the road. Overexplaining it. It's the glory of his wife. And it's actually, it makes me feel better when I go to bed knowing I've been a good person. No, no, no, because I love her and she's the right one. Dude, stop overexplaining. Now I think it's weird shit you're doing.

I know that's your perspective. It makes sense. Like, you don't have two double earrings and believe in love. Not in the long term. Not in the long term. Not in the long term. Not in the long term. He's right. You know, Jay's long-term girlfriend and his mistress could both have a word with you right now, so... I've got two ladies in my life that would disagree with you.

Have you ever come close to cheating? No. No. Good answer. Rock solid. The mullet keeps them at bay, I think. That helps. Who keeps them at bay? The mullet is helping. Okay. Yeah. Not everybody wants to fuck butt beavers. I don't think that's high on the list.

Yeah. What else do you do for fun and, like, hobbies when you're not just doing stand-up? Travel. I like traveling a lot. -Yeah. -I went to Turkey this year. That was cool. -Okay. -Yeah. -It's a good time. -What'd you do in Turkey? Uh, just... That was quick. Oh, man. What did you do in Turkey? Uh, I-- Turkey was-- It was just hang out on the beach, man. It was weird, though. On the flight there, I was the only guy with hair, so that was weird. Yeah.

Dude just kept asking who my doctor was. I was like, why is every one of you in a bucket hat? Amazing. What made you pick Turkey, of all places? My wife's friend, her parents built a home there, so we went to go visit. Nice. Yeah. You seem like such a wholesome guy. I'm a pretty wholesome dude. Do you go to church? Not anymore. No, what happened? When did you stop going to church? I did mushrooms and...

Oh shit. I don't do it. You're like, I see what they were talking about. It's more of a metaphor. Isn't that ironic? God made a plant that makes people stop believing in him. Isn't it interesting? You did that, those in Canada? Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah.

Okay. You said that like I've done them once. So, yeah. I'm realizing now how public this is going to be. So, yeah, one time. What are your thoughts on Justin Trudeau? I love that he has brought the country together in hating him.

It is incredible. Yeah. It's that literally the other day I was just at a traffic light and there was a guy coming to all the cars trying to get money and his thing just said, fuck Trudeau. And I was like, that's beautiful that that brings in more dollars than please. We're united.

Amazing, Andrew. You did so good here tonight. Amazing stuff. How long are you in Austin, Texas for? About two weeks. About two weeks? Love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday.

And you know what else, Andrew? You know what I want you to do? Because you didn't get on the open mic tonight, probably, right? Did you? The odds of that are very low that you got on both shows, correct? But did you sign up for it? Okay, well, the talent booker, I do believe that show is still going on. Why don't we get him a few minutes in front of... That Amiga. Nine years in the game, a full-time comedian. They're going to take you straight up to the other room. Don't bomb over there. There he goes, Andrew Packer, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

Perhaps getting a shot at getting on more shows on the big lineup here at the Comedy Mothership right now. Being shipped off the opportunity of a lifetime. You guys ready for one last bucket pull tonight, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jessica Misitano. Our third female of the night. How exciting. Jessica Misitano. Hello. I just moved here from Chicago, dude.

Hell yeah. You got the nine months of seasonal depression. Fuck that. Do you guys even get that here, or is it just regular depression for you guys? Regular. But you have those telltale signs, right? Like you get lethargic, you don't want to do anything. I know I'm getting sad because that's when I start masturbating face down again. I do it on the couch too, dude. You put your face between the cushions because it muffles the crying. I miss my dad. I miss my dad.

We can't just kill ourselves, though, can we? That's the easy way out. That's why I go on a lot of road trips, is what I do. You guys ever notice those, like, crosses on the side of the road to commemorate the dead? You know what I'm talking about? I see these fucking things everywhere. I'm thinking, like, why do you never see the Star of David on the side of the road? No little Buddhas or anything like that? I kind of think Christians are just bad drivers. Like...

Go ahead, finish it, Jessica. Finish it. Like, maybe Jesus needs to hand that wheel back. Thank you. Jessica Misitano. Misitano. I just gotta deal with this. I don't know how to lower it. Hey. Hello, how are you? You're gonna call me fat a bunch. Let's go. Yep.

There you go. Even Red Band's jumping in on it. Let's cut it out. Okay, Jessica, no, it's fine. You're not even the biggest girl that's been up here tonight. You actually look exactly like the other two female comedians mushed together. I don't know if anybody else is seeing it. It's just the haircut of Carly, the body of Selena, piercings through the face. It says Selena, though, bitch. I'll take it. Not that Selena. Oh, my God.

Welcome, welcome. Hey. That was fun. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Wow, where at? Chicago. Oh, that's right. Yep, that makes sense. That's fine. Chicago. You visited The Bean before? You sons of bitches. You sons of bitches. Oh, fuck you.

Fuck you, fuck the bean. I would if I could. They got to bury it around, you know? Did you know that that bean was picked in Mexico by an American? That's what a lot of people don't know. Giant metal bean pulled out of the ground by an American that visited Mexico to pick a bean.

Does that sound racist? It was on tonight's episode. It happened live less than an hour ago. Jessica, what do you do for work? I'm a hairstylist. I get those vibes. What does that mean? You just have that fucking energy. There's a hairstylist energy. Are you a hairstylist who only does that haircut you have? Yeah. You look like a hairstylist that says, is it alright if I touch you before you cut the hair? Yeah.

Legally, I have to tell you, I just moved into the neighborhood. I do hair. Do you ask them what pronouns they go by before you cut their hair? What are yours? Oh, you bitch. You bitch. Oh, look, she's doing a dance. Oh, she's doing a fat girl dance. Oh, no. Oh, God. The whole room smells like gorgonzola. Oh, God.

Unbelievable. Jessica, oh, you're very comfortable here. Very comfortable. A little Captain Morgan style. I thought she was shaking out a queef. Yeah. I was, yeah.

This is amazing. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Incredible, Jessica. Oh, Red Band. Red Band. Why that fart? What was that? The airy fart? Oh, my God. She seems more like a pinched fart. Shake it again.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I thought we were going to do the other one. No, do the pinch fart. Do the pinch... There it is. Wow, that's amazing. You have such an amazing talent over there. It works better with queefs than with farts. Okay, so let's just jump right into it, Jessica. What's your love life like? What type of bull dyke are you...

No, dude, I tried being gay. I did. Like the fingers pickle and then the smell's not right when it's not your own. You know what I mean? It's gross. Okay, Red Band, get rid of the fart board. That's enough. Jesus Christ. My goodness gracious. That one had something behind it for sure. That's what I get for trying to be vulnerable. So what types of guys are you into? You seem like the kind of lady that would be with a black guy.

My family, I've disappointed my parents enough. Just anybody really.

Anybody, really. I've been celibate for seven months. It's nuts. Yeah, I don't... Really? I know, dude. I'm trying to be a good person. It sucks. What made you want to go celibate? Like, what kind of wild night did you have where you're like, God damn it, I'm going celibate after that? Overdosing. What did you overdose on exactly? Yogurt? Oh. I feel like I'd have stronger muscles. No, dude. Just...

Benzos, dude. You ever nod out and go to a roller fucking rink? Go down a roller coaster 60 miles an hour just snorting benzos? It's fun. You mixed roller rink and roller coaster there. Yeah, I was lying the first time. Wow. Where were we? Where were we for this overdose? Six Flags? Florida. Just straight up Florida. Yeah, dude. I had a time down there. You ever been down there? Hell yeah, dude. Yep.

So you really overdosed on benzos. What'd they have to do? Nothing, really. I had a seizure. I was in a seizure for like a fucking week and they didn't... That's impossible. What are you talking about? No, I was in and out of granule seizures. They didn't even know it. They just found trace. Who's they?

The doctor's, what fucking hospital was it? It doesn't matter the exact hospital, but you were at a hospital for a week. You were having seizures and they didn't notice? They didn't know. They just found trace amounts of Xanax. They don't exactly know. None of this sounds real. No, why the fuck would I lie about like on the internet and everything? No. That's a good point. Yeah. Or maybe that's exactly why you would lie. I make a lot of money, dude, and I get lots of dick. No, that's the lie I would tell.

So they kept you in the hospital for a week, but they didn't, what were they diagnosing you as? They just, they put on the papers just granule seizures, but they found trace amounts of Xanax in my system. But at the time I was sober, so it was just, I guess over time the drug use that I was doing, it kind of caught up to me. Wow. That's not what an overdose is. That's what they put on the, I know, asshole, but that's just what they put on the- Whoa. Sorry. We thought you were foaming at a fucking amusement park.

- And you started having baby seizures and took you to the hospital and said like, it's maybe Xanax maybe? - Yeah, no. - I thought you were like, you know, clear. - No, not that serious. I don't do heroin or nothing. Just, I don't know.

Okay. So how about hobbies when you're not doing drugs and cutting hair? Anything else? Are there any passions? You seem like the kind of lady that would do some roller derby or something like that. Some like tough girl things. Some like, you know, like softball. Yeah. Maybe an interracial bowling league. I can see her doing power slap.

Yeah, you seem like you'd be a great power slapper. Local power slap. Let's nickname her. Yeah. All this is hurtful. No, I do a lot of art. I'm an artist. I'm an artist before anything else. Oh, yeah? What kind of art? Painting, acrylic. I like to sing. I ain't singing for you, motherfucker. Don't fucking do that. You what? I like to sing, dude. Singing's... Yeah. Singing? Did you say singing? Yeah.

Oh, you look like you got pipes, lady. I've seen bitches built like you before. I want to hear that. She looks like she has crack pipes. Yeah. What type of song do you like to sing? You know, I love blues. They're like, Amy Winehouse is the shit. Let's just do some bluesy stuff. But first...

But for copyright's sake, because again, YouTube has been tough cookies lately. Let's do something Amy Winehouse-esque, but not exactly Amy Winehouse-esque, or literally Amy Winehouse's father gets the money from the episode. If it sounds too much like Amy Winehouse, Amy Winehouse's father, who basically killed her, would get all the money from this episode. You can't make this shit up. It's the state of music and the state of YouTube right now.

They try to say I had a seizure. I said, no, no, no. Then I come back. Stop, stop. You can't really sing, and that's a copyright infringement. It's okay, though. This motherfucker, dude. You're a bully, dude. I'm a bully? You're a fucking bully. Wow, you're not as tough as you look. I know.

Nobody calls me that on this show. How dare you? It wasn't the worst singing that's ever been on this show, but it was just very, very, very, very, very basic. Were you like building up to a big moment there? Was there like a thing coming? No. Oh, okay. Then I cut it off at the exact right time. You did, yeah.

In fairness, she said she liked singing. She didn't sound particularly good at it. Yeah, that is fair. I also don't like that song that much, you know? Okay, fine. Well, I mean, you know. We'll move on, though. You know what I like about you? You're so likable. Yeah. And with that voice. Thank you. Amy Brickhouse over here. How many abortions have you had? Two. There you go, two. Nice. How many at home? One. Yeah. Yeah.

That is amazing. Amazing. I'm out of big joke books. Oh, there's a hairy one. This is a hairy situation. Bones, I made this out of some kind of dead animal.

Oh, wow. Great, great, unbelievable catch. I told you I'm not a softball player. Definitely still some Xanax in that system. I don't know if you guys saw that. Put her in right field. Lack of attempt on that catch there. Still having a seizure. That was your chance for one last fart noise there. She stuck her ass out again. Do it one more time. Do I leave now? Yep. There she goes, everybody. Jessica Misatano.

You're a bully. God, so gay. All right, well, what can I say? I mean, that's an episode. We did it. That's what it looks like. But it's not over just yet. There's only one way to put a ribbon on it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kill Tony Hall of Famer, Legend of the Game record holder, all-time appearances, interviews, and everything in between.

Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is indeed the Express VPN Debuckler, the Hymns Harasser, the Simply Safe Security Sergeant. This is the one and only William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Did Mossad just drop the song of the summer?

You know that mixtape must be fire if you start listening to it over a walkie-talkie and it explodes. Apparently in Haiti they don't have animal shelters, they're called all-you-can-eat buffets. Here's a quote from Kamala Harris running mate Tim Walls from this past weekend: "We can't afford four more years of this." Wait, what? Holy shit, dumbass!

Remember the rumor that Mr. Rogers had sleeve tattoos and was a sniper in Vietnam? It gets worse. He was pro-life. I imagine if today Mr. Rogers was like, "I'm pro-life. I support the children." Y'all would be like, "You hate women!" You hate women! You hate women! You hate women! You women!

Wow! I did not see that coming.

Look at you doing a little fucking art piece there. God, yeah, it's been an insane week. Tony, on Tuesday, I actually ate some sushi with Red Band, and my stomach is still totally fucked up. I think I have a parasite or something. Seriously, I wonder when I end up going to the hospital after eating sushi. I don't know. It's been a week now. Tomorrow, it's a week. And then the next night, Tony, I swear to God, I had my arm. I always sleep on my...

and I had my arm up like this, and my rotator, it hurts to even do that, so I'm a big old mess. That is incredible. What have some of your symptoms been from this sushi incident on Tuesday? It's been...

I mean, that's six days. Well, on, I think it was Thursday, I had my favorite yellow boxers on, Tony. Yellow's my favorite color. Ooh, yellow boxers. I know. Oh, dangerous. Oh, my gosh. And I farted, and nasty shit came out of my butthole. And I ended up, I was thinking, oh, I'm going to put these in the washing machine, but then I thought that was gross, and then I ended up just throwing them away. So it's been a real hard week, Tony. I had those things like three years ago.

But I feel like I really had to prepare tonight. I mean, everything's so low in my life right now. I really had to prepare. I've really been going through it, but...

Your favorite yellow boxers. You've been going through it. Amazing. You ate the same sushi as him on Tuesday. Did you have any symptoms? Yes. I actually had almost the same. I didn't shit myself. And I also fucked my elbow up also. Your elbow. You just scrapped your elbow. I mean, my shoulder up. Yeah. But my stomach still is like sore right now. Yeah, it looks swollen as fuck. So swollen. It's so incredible.

There's something going on. My belly button popped out the other night. Wow. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. I never would have guessed that you two would be getting sushi together. Your chemistry here on Mondays where you deeply insult each other's mothers and scream at one another and seem to have a real rivalry. And there you are, breaking fish together. Yeah, we're trying to bury the hatchet. It really is. Genuinely, it takes a big toll on my life. I mean, yeah, I do talk about Red Band's mom a decent amount, but that's because I really...

I do love the woman. I mean, she's older. I really love her, but I have to, I also love Red Band too. So I have to be super careful now. So we're keeping it kind of under the sheets, under wraps. That's what Red Band's mom and I call it, under the sheets. That's when we're having sex, under the sheets. She won't let me see her naked when it's, when the lights are on.

But, yeah, no, trying to just bury the hatchet with Red Band, and things are already going a little better. Well, you just literally told him that you're fucking his mother and that she doesn't let you see her naked in the lights. He knows about all of this, Tony. You guys know about this? No, he says he's just derfing or something. I don't know what he calls it. What does that mean? Derfing? Red Band, William's not trying to be your dad. He just wants to be your friend.

Yeah, dude. I mean, I get it. There's a fucking, what, 20 years age difference between you and I. I'm, again, your mom's way older than me, but I just have to, yeah, I want it to be cool between you and I. It's almost like I'm your dad in certain ways if I'm kind of with your... Wow, do you look at William like a potential father figure? It's shaking. His tits are bouncing up and down right now. It's absolutely incredible. Think of what it would be like having stepdad William in your life.

I would actually be down with that. I would be... Hey, Red Band, come to dinner. Hey, Red Band, clean your room. My guess is he comes to dinner a little bit faster than he cleans his room. Oh, he does. Just coming down the stairs. And sometimes he wears his... Yeah, he wears his socks sometimes and he falls down the steps, but...

Wow, this is incredible to find out the stepdad perspective from William raising a 50-year-old Brian Redband. A 50-year-old morbidly obese Brian Redband. I almost forgot the morbidly obese part. Uh-oh, wait, wait a second. Are you going? There it is, very good. So William... A bully, this guy. Yeah, a real bully.

Oh my goodness, can you imagine the compilation of me bullying people?

Okay, go ahead. William, well, you know, it's just amazing to me to watch you every week surprise us and do different things. I mean, you are a true artist. What else has been going on? Oh, my gosh. Well, luckily, I got out of the PlayStation 5 video game. It's called Remnant 2. Thank God I got out of it. I put 160 hours. I don't know what the math is on that. And I think two weeks.

So luckily got out of that, Tony. I was able to get out this weekend, watch football all day Saturday. It was very fun. You watched college football on Saturday? All day Saturday. And Tony, I also had some, I think it was banana pudding, it also made. But Tony, it's... And you also mentioned, we talked earlier this past week, every once in a while I'll get a call from...

one of the regulars, and they ask, you know, some advice on how to handle things. And you were mentioning that, yes, I got a call on a landline antique phone. Thank you. Oh, and then my cell phone rang. My 1990s cell phone rang. Maybe next time, Red Band. That was a good try. Yeah.

And you know, Red Band, I'm kidding about your mind. Again, yeah, we went to go break bread, and I swear to God, I spent 400, I don't even, I'm embarrassed to even say this right now. It's the most expensive meal in my life I've ever had with sushi. I spent 450 fucking dollars to shit in my yellow boxers a couple days later. It really was a horrible week for me, Tony. And let me ask you something before we talk about the phone call that I took from you. But

But I'm interested to know because, you know, I'll give a little behind the scenes. William is, what would be the proper verbiage here? He is kind of a badass or? Yeah. Oh, I'm kidding. Wait, what song are we going into here? Hold on. He's very, we'll say good with money. Very, very, very good.

I would almost say thrifty, dare I say. Very good. Frugal. I'm a big coupon. Big couponer. I started couponing. Very frugal. So I'm curious to know if you remember exactly what did you tip on that $450 bill? Well, interesting question. So there was already, what was it, 18 or 20% gratuity added. So I felt weird. It seemed like a weird move on the restaurant's part. I ended up tipping them 20 extra dollars. So I even ended up...

I didn't know what to do. It was 20. So you gave an extra 20. So technically, on paper, somewhere out there, there is a credit card receipt, a bill that says William Montgomery, because I'm guessing you paid with your credit card. And then it just says $4.50, and then underneath it, it says $20. See, that part freaks me out. Even when it's auto-graded for 20, I feel the need to...

you know, go a little bit overboard there. You don't feel that need at all? - I just did 20, yeah, I mean, if there's already 20%, I mean, I'm not, yeah, maybe a little extra. - What's the extra 24? What do you think they're gonna do with that exactly? - I don't know, I thought maybe the lady, maybe if she has a drug problem or something, maybe she can buy drugs with the $20 or I don't know, help her somehow. - So I took this call from you this past week and you told me that people, what the fuck? Whoa, what is that music?

It's what? Oh, that's my phone, yes. That's my actual phone. Let me hear it one more time. Okay. That's right.

According to YouTube rules, Nokia just made another $100,000. I'm telling you, I'm going to start calling it out. I'm going to do what Stern did back when he was hilarious, like late 90s, early 2000s. He used to call out like the station, right? The bosses. You're here. This episode is the episode where Tony started calling out YouTube for their bullshit.

God damn it. You want war, YouTube? Oh, God. It's actually probably going to cost me a lot of money. Anyway, and you called me... We hate women. Okay. Because...

You mentioned to me that there's been some high profile people bullying you online, starting shit. And you asked me what you should do about it. Can you, you want to tell the audience? I mean, it's just been this weird thing in my life recently. There are these just, I don't know, you call them keyboard, keyboard warriors. I think that's what people call them, but people have been acting real kind of real mean to me, kind of bullying me. And,

And it's like, I don't know what to do. And it kind of pisses me off because I swear to God, most of these people are probably just giant pussies. And there's no fucking way they could ever actually do anything to my fucking ass. And it's so strange because one of the worst people doing this is a guy named Dustin Poirier. He is just talking so much fucking shit about me. And I swear to God, I cannot stand fucking Dustin Poirier. He's literally talking shit on the fucking...

about me he won't fucking meet up with my fucking ass you're telling me what i don't know what i'm gonna do oh my god wait a second he fucking pisses me off wait a second look behind you william oh my god literally one of the greatest fighters of all time dustin poirier is here holy shit

Oh my god. Dustin. Oh my god. What? Wait, what is happening here? Oh my goodness. Look at... Oh, look at this.

We ain't ever gonna stop! Wow, Dustin Poirier, William Montgomery! What an episode! Make some fucking noise for Dustin Poirier and William Montgomery! Fuck yes! Fucking awesome!

Thank you, Simply Save Hymns and ExpressVPN. And a special shout out to the great people over at YouTube, where you can create your own content and put it out. And even if you kill the entire...

comedy industry and all the late night shows and an entire network formerly known as Comedy Central and absolutely dominate the field of an entire art form, you can enjoy it all over at YouTube with no pain or pressure or censorship whatsoever. They're so nice and great and they really help us any chance they get.

and they really forget about youtube premium tony yeah youtube premium you could skip the ads everybody how exciting make sure you get it make sure you subscribe and like click that thumbs up button as hard as you possibly can it's a great time over at youtube you youtube it's what's in your wallet yeah

Yeah, what's on your TV screen? YouTube. Go to youtube.com and download the app now. We love you, YouTube. We really, really do, from the bottom of our hearts.

All right. Make some noise for the Legion of Skanks, ladies and gentlemen. Heading into the big week. I mean, this is it. The granddaddy of them all. The greatest comedy festival. By the way, we've been saying that for years and years and years on this show. And this year is the first year where there will be no JFL fucking comedy festival because these guys literally killed them. They ended that. Woo!

They are the comedy festival now, and it's getting bigger and better all the time. Very fun things. Some amazing, unbelievable shows, special guests. They do it right over there. Secret shows popping up there. Very, very exciting stuff. Big J's back here in November. How about one more time for the Legion of Skanks?

How about one more time for the best stamp in the land? Matt Muehling, John Dees, D Madness, Michael Gonzalez, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo. We did it again. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It is unbelievable. Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com. Love you guys. We love you. We'll see you soon. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Yesterday I got a sweet little dog

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