#678 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready to start the best episode of Kill Tony of all time? Ladies and gentlemen, introducing... Shane Gillis! Joe Rogan! Andrew Schultz! What's in the bowl, bitch? Joey Diaz! I want to see you do coke and open those eyes up. I owe you a blowjob. I don't care. I'm gonna do it. We got pizza! It's delicious! Hey, you!

Is it possible to eat it with our butt? What are you gonna do now? Kill Tony Live from Madison Square Garden is now available. Watch it now before it gets edited down. Go to killtonylive.com. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yippee!

Mixed Blitz for Bryan Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. We are here. This is Kill Tony live from the Comedy Mothership, brought to you by HelloFresh and Squarespace. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Carlos Sosa. Esteban Viejo. Nachos Belgrande. Gorita Quesadilla. Fernando Castillo. Raul Vallejo.

Fucking D Madness on the bass guitar. John Dees on the keys. Matt Muehling on the electric. How exciting. How many of you traveled from a faraway land to be here tonight? How many of you live here in Austin, Texas? Wow. Overwhelmingly an Austin crowd tonight. We have an amazing show for you. Here's a little bit more from the sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. With an hour before boarding, there's only one place to go. The Chase Sapphire Lounge by the club. There, you can recharge before the big adventure. Or enjoy a locally inspired dish. You can recline in a comfy chair to catch up on your favorite show. Or order a craft cocktail at the bar.

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You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, joining us here tonight, one of my favorite comedians in the world, a true comedy store fucking legend. We started together. She's a monster. You know her from all of her hit specials. Literally one of the best comedians in the world. Make some noise for the great and powerful Whitney Cummings. Yeah, she's back.

We are going to have fun tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Whitney is back. I'm back. She's back. We're looking at houses in Austin. I was just going to say, we're trying to get her here. It would be a huge move. We go one at a time, one at a time. Ron got Joe. Joe got me. We went all...

all in on fucking Duncan, Sagura, Christina P, Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker. It's a dream team. It goes on and on. There's a lot of people that I could go-- I could spend four minutes naming the people that we got to move here.

But can't do L.A. anymore. Yeah. Can't do it. It's ridiculous. It's not only it's literally like it's so there's like blood in the street. Yeah. Blood stains on the concrete. And you don't know if it's like a homeless person that's attacked a civilian. Yeah. The man had his period. It's very confusing. Yeah. There's migrants everywhere. Believe it or not, people, I welcome migrants to this country with open arms. And by open arms, I mean like this.

Hey, I welcome migrants. I need someone to raise my kid. Yes, absolutely. You do have a newborn. We're sending some Kill Tony baby clothes. I just rumored a surprise, but I want the people at home to know that I'm a good person. Oh, thank you. I love that you think I kept him. We have abortion-size kids' clothes.

to wrap the fetus in. Comes in a little Kill Tony ashtray and you put the fetus in the ashtray and you put your ciggies out. There's actually an abortion clinic here called Kill Tony's Babies. It's true. It is fully operational. They have a lot of blood on their hands.

Whitney, you've done this show numerous times, from the belly room to the main room to Vulcan to the mothership all around the home fields. You know how it works. 256 people signed up tonight for the opportunity, the hope, to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up, and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

They're all loaded up across the street at a big, crazy, dirty bar called Poor Choices. And I pull a name out. We go and we wrangle the person. Oh, that looks like a fun name. It's Mister. It starts with Mister. That's always a very good sign of insanity.

So that'll be fun. And while they go wrangle that person, we're gonna get started with one of our elite regulars on this show. You are here on a special night because this man is taking the world by storm. Not only did he just complete doing sold-out theaters with me in Florida, he also just opened up the shows this weekend, the theater shows in San Antonio for Joe Rogan's new Netflix special.

Burn the Boats streaming on Netflix right now. This guy is undisputed, undeniable. We absolutely love him. Make some noise for the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty! Yo yo. I was on Reddit the other day like a loser and I read that the American military doesn't accept trans people into their ranks.

Just like you, I was upset. Let them die. If they want to, let that bitch, let him, let they die. But then I thought about it and it kind of makes sense why as a military force you don't want trans people on your ranks because let's be honest, they have a history of switching sides.

I don't want to see you walking around Kabul market trying on turbans like "Oh my god, this is so me." I don't want no progressives on my battlefield. I want a closeted, god-loving retard out there following orders.

Ari Matty has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. A brand new minute, 20 seconds, doing more work than he even has to, flexing on us his take on trans in the military.

I just boned with that joke so hard in the other room. Just silence, dude. I love that. It takes balls to fucking, that's, you know, a lot of people don't know that about doing comedy is a lot of it, you know, sometimes you're coming right off of another set. Maybe the crowd's bad. Maybe you didn't do it the right way. Let's just talk about it. What do you think happened in the other room?

I didn't, I fucking forgot to watch the previous comedian. So I didn't know that. I thought, oh, I'm having fun in the green room. We're all riffing. Tony Hinchcliffe, we're all having a great time. I didn't know the other room, there's a fucking funeral happening, you know? Right. One comedian after the other. I went with this energy. Yo, yo, yo. Right. Kill trans people.

Yeah. Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! You know? Right. Of course I'm gonna eat shit, dude. Watch the comedian before you, you fuck. Yeah, if you bomb with kill trans people in Texas, it is your fault. Ha!

Very true. So true. It's such an interesting thing that you bring up, though, because we never get to talk about, you know, working it out, different rooms, different audiences. Obviously, this is a fresh crowd, not jaded yet. That crowd has been watching an open mic for...

for an hour and 40 minutes. And a lot of the regulars here try to squeeze onto that show to get a set in before performing here. And it's all just a short walk. It's a tunnel away. Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah, so that's a little fun fact that we never get to talk about. But I love that process of writing jokes. It's hard to just, after 12 years of doing comedy, to do minutes.

Like, especially my style, it's like I'm super slow and shit. Right. I just have to write new stuff, you know. But you do it very, very well. Oh, thanks. And everything breaks down to a minute, you know.

So what else is going on in the world re we had fun in San Antonio this weekend? It's pretty crazy, huh? Yeah. Yeah, you gave me an amazing intro and shit. Yeah, it was cool like seven people out of 2,000 knew me so yeah What a weird opener what a bold choice by Joe Rogan, by the way to have this guy open Just a fucked up accent. Yeah. Hello. Yeah, it's fun. Hello Netflix, you know

It was you, then Ron White, then me, then Joe. Rock solid lineup. You always get the crowd popping. Great fun to get. It was crazy, you know? Yeah. And now we have New York this weekend. That is true. New York's going to be fun. You excited about it? What do you have planned? Anything fun to do in New York this week? Well, I'm flying in with a jet. Ooh. You play your cards right. You'll be on Epstein Island any day now.

I'll fuck the kids. Let's go. Let's go. And keep my mouth shut. That's right. You're getting to a part of success where you're only going to be able to get erect if someone's pissing on you. Yes. Shit gets weird when you make it. Oh, okay. You guys are going to get... Okay, I'll shut up then. I won't give you insider secrets. Well, I'm a toilet. That's right.

Absolutely. Every liquid you make with me, I want in my mouth. Absolutely. And there's only one flush. There's only one flush on that toilet and it is right down the gullet. That's right. And it comes out of a second hole. That's the interesting thing, is that if you take in someone else's urine, you pee that out. Isn't that interesting? There's-- Thank you, Red Band. They wouldn't have gotten the joke if you wouldn't have done that.

So Ari, what else is going on? Everything's good? Yeah, it's good. I love how Mr. Rogan was like... Oh, you still call him Mr.? That's great. Make sure you do that on the show. Make sure you do that on the show on Thursday. Every time you say something, go, Mr. Rogan, I must say. Mr. Rogan. He was like... Mr. Rogan, bring me a treat.

Make me famous. Oh, you were done. Okay. Thank you, Michael. All right. Way to read the room there. Michael Gonzalez bleached his hair, everybody. Michael, show everybody your new haircut. Oh, wow. Yep. It's Theo Blonde. There it is. Yeah. Tio Von. Does that work? Mexicans? Is that okay? All right. Tio Von.

Ari, watching your rise, it is so fitting. It only works if you have the talent. It only works if you've done the work and you're a perfect fucking Kill Tony specimen. You're on your way to being a goddamn your own arena act. I'm serious. I don't know why you're laughing at Mr. Hinchcliffe like that.

We love you, ladies and gentlemen. The show has begun. Ari Matty. Thank you. Happy birthday, Brian. Happy birthday indeed. The 50th birthday, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Look at this grumpy sack of shit. Look at him. He's 50, everybody. Eric, get off my lawn. Get off my lawn. Oh, you're the Postmates guy? Come on up. Oh, come on. This delivery is late. My milkshake's melting.

Where's the pina colada milk I ordered? I like flavored milk. He drinks flavored milk because he's 50, but he's literally a giant toddler, everybody. He made a video on his Instagram last night saying he's disappointed in the pina colada milk he ordered. 50 years old. So, this is... Is that what you put in your wife's mouth when you run out of cum? Ha ha!

Oh, I'm gonna come. Here's a pita colada milk. Ladies and gentlemen, this is where the show takes on a life of its own. This is where we found Ari Maddy out of the bucket. It's where we found Cam, William, David Lucas, Hans Kim, fucking everybody. This could be the next great talent in the world. Or...

It could be a mentally disabled person that bombs horrendously. Could be a smart person that has a bad moment. Could be a stupid person that's able to get it all together just for a few minutes. Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, the bucket tonight begins with 60 seconds uninterrupted from Mr. Heath. Mr. Heath. Okay.

Hello to the mothership! It is good to be back and have landed here in front of you. If you remember me from last time, I didn't even know I could touch this fucking microphone. That's how new I was at comedy. Great to see you all again. I actually have 60 seconds. You ready? It's better than what I gave my wife the first time. Two children took 30 seconds apiece. So I'm out there and I'm like, holy shit, they called my name. I've been signing up since February now.

Kill Tony literally changed my life, right? So I gotta get to this real quick, and I'm not good at suicide, because here I am, right? I've been writing since November. I got three three-subject notebooks full of trying to write jokes, and the only joke I've been able to write about is the joke of my life. That's it.

You get it, right? I'm a high school dropout, right? I climb trees and I'm a cop, and to me that's easy work. Comedy is hard work, right? - Wow, all right. A lot of teasing that a joke was coming.

You kept saying, I have 60 seconds now. I've only been able to write one joke. We didn't get to hear any of it. Is that the West Hollywood bear? Actually, this is the closest thing I've ever seen to it. You look like the sperm of a biker.

This is absolutely incredible. You look like Popeye's nutsack. This is absolutely amazing. I'm just describing it so that you understand, D-Madness, what's in front of you. You have more hair on your arms than Michelle Obama. Yeah. Yeah. He looks like if Boss Baby was unemployed.

This is unbelievable. Mr. Heath, you've been on this show before, I remember, because you're an unforgettable guy. But is that a new name? I don't remember you going by Mr. Heath last time. I went by Mr. Heath last time. You did? Yes, sir. Okay. All right. My memory deceives me about you.

Oh, Matt Muehling jumping in, also saying he doesn't remember that being your name. Okay, so I know for a fact what you do for work. He works the door at literally my new favorite bar slash restaurant slash, I mean, it's just a fucking unbelievable place. Normally, I don't promote things that I like on this show because I don't want people going there.

But I'm going to say it. It is the Dead Rabbit here on 6th Street. Just opened up three weeks ago. The best food, the best fucking drinks, a true super Irish bar. Came from New York City. The only other one is here, down the block.

They built it here because they heard that Rogan's Comedy Club was coming here. I mean, it is a multi, multi-million dollar infrastructure, which really, just like this, shouldn't be on Dirty Six, but it's fucking awesome that it is. And it's a little takeover. And you're the welcoming door guy that is, you're awesome at that job. Thank you, Mr. Tony. Thank you. Thank you.

And you get off in time to be the Rainy Street Killer. That's it. I love it. He called me Mr. Tony. His name's Mr. Heath. Ari says Mr. Rogan. There's a lot of misters tonight. Yes, sir. I say that out of respect. I actually watched Coach Cotter and the way that he talked to the athletes in that movie. So, yeah. That's where I came up with it. Just to show everybody respect. We've lost that over the last hundred years. I love it. What makes you want to do stand-up comedy?

Multiple factors. Leading on here last year on that charity run, I was never a comedian, never really watched comedy. How's your buddy doing, by the way? Your buddy, what was it again? He had no legs. He's killing it. He's blowing it up, man. So remind, well, sorry, he has blown it up. What was his condition? Remind me. He's quadruple amputee. Quadruple amputee. Yes. Right. No arms or legs about it. No arms or legs about it. Does he work at Stubbs Barbecue? No.

Stubbs Barbecue. Good local reference, Whitney. Whitney doesn't even live here. Doing a Stubbs Barbecue. Getting it. Knocking it out. He's represented by Stubbs. And as we've seen, he still has better stand-up than I do. Yeah. It's amazing that he's sponsored by Stubbs because he also has been barbecued at one point. How did he lose his arms and legs again?

He was...

blown up by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan. And what's his charity's info again? The Travis Mills Foundation. Travis Mills Foundation. So look into that. And you gave the shirt off your back. Literally. I kept the sweater. I love it. He's got no arms, no legs. You've got no jokes. You guys have it all together. Absolutely incredible. Mr. Heath, you already have a little joke book?

Yes, I do, sir. Well, there you go. We're going to keep it moving along. There goes Mr. Heath, everybody. Nice little quick set and interview from Mr. Heath. We're going to keep flying through it tonight. Mr. Heath's more of something to look at than an actual personality. How about a hand for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen? This is her live in the flesh, the real deal. With an hour before boarding, there's only one place to go, the Chase Sapphire Lounge by the club. There, you can recharge before the big adventure.

or enjoy a locally inspired dish. You could recline in a comfy chair to catch up on your favorite show or order a craft cocktail at the bar. Whatever you're in the mood for, find the detail that moves you with curated touches at the Chase Sapphire Lounge by the club. Chase, make more of what's yours. Learn more at chase.com slash sapphirereserve. Cards issued by JPMorgan Chase Bank and a member FDIC. Subject to credit approval.

Ryan Reynolds here for, I guess, my 100th Mint commercial. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, honestly, when I started this, I thought I'd only have to do like four of these. I mean, it's unlimited premium wireless for $15 a month. How are there still people paying two or three times that much? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be victim blaming here. Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash save whenever you're ready. For

$45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes. See details. All right. Your next bucket pool, 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Justine Frazzini, ladies and gentlemen. Here comes Justine. Here we go. Feminism. That was the joke.

So I get into a lot of arguments with women about feminism because I'm an anti-feminist. They assume that I'm a feminist. That's fine. But here's the thing. I'm just trying to figure out what was the problem? Because if you ask me, women were staying at home, getting taken care of, not working, but yet somehow that wasn't enough. As you know, women like to argue. We like to complain. So yeah, we just fought for our right to vote and we got it. Okay, cool. So we're voting now.

Uh, I don't understand. Why do feminists assume that I'm a feminist just because I vote? Doesn't make sense. So, here's my question to all the feminists out there. What about the toilet seat? If you're a feminist and you think that men and women are equal, then shouldn't we be putting the toilet seat up? It's only fair to the men. And second, what if you're on a sinking boat? You really gonna tell me that men and women are still equal? I don't think so.

Ladies and gentlemen, Justine Frazzini. Whitney is clapping harder than the other 300 people in the room right now. Just to keep you guys at home posted of what's happening. That was incredible, an incredible amount of silence. I mean, actually, truly shocking. Even Mr. Heath had some people laughing at him, laughing at himself.

He's laughing at himself. One guy laughed. He's like, at least you get it, right? Mr. Heath at least had one person that he didn't realize was laughing at him bombing. You bombed so hard. I feel that. That literally nobody was even laughing at how bad you were doing. It was more sad than it was...

or disappointing, it was just really, really sad. I really think that while you talked about how you're an anti-feminist, I think feminists are funnier than you. And they're some of the least funny people in the world. And here you are dissing them while bombing. So this was a win for the feminists.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? That was my fourth time. Okay, very good. That's at least refreshing. If you've been doing this for years, going around just destroying the energy in rooms, that would be incredible. I have a feeling that R.E. Maddie had to go up right after you in the other room tonight. Whitney. I know we're not supposed to have trans women in sports, but can we get them in comedy? Like, is that...

I'm totally kidding. This is good. This is good for women. This is not bad for women. She bombs so hard, they're going to draft her into the military and they don't even want women. Yes. So let's talk about it, Justine. Let's talk about your life a little bit. I feel like we can dig up some stuff that you should be talking about because you, you, when you're doing anti-feminist material, you should be able to get laughs and you were unable to accomplish that. But again, you're very new. So let's figure it out. Let's break it down. Um, what do you do for work? Uh,

I clean luxury vacation homes. So like million dollar homes. Okay, I think I might actually have a job for you then. Cool, cool. I think I might be able to make you a real American citizen, Justine. Changing lives here tonight. So Justine, what are some of your passions? What are you into in life? Do you have any hobbies or special skills or talents or anything?

I am a recreational kickball team captain. I do exercise science. But yeah, I do a lot. I do quite a lot of stuff. Shut the fuck up. The entire episode. No, don't talk. Over here. Stop. Relax. You know you. You're like talking. Yes. Do you hear how you're talking now? God. Stupid. You see how I'm like right here? You see how if I don't have a mic, you like hear me? Yeah.

because you're a teacher, you think you can talk during this because you make minimal amount of money and destroy society? Like, why would you? You're not a good person. Teachers aren't even, like, liked anymore. They're not respected. They're not liked. Shut the fuck up. I'm the teacher of this classroom, and you're being a bad student. Anyway, I'm dealing with... I'm dealing with so many fucking issues right now.

She's in a good mood. She just fucked one of her students. Okay. So you don't say words. No, late. Okay, guys. Yeah, just you're going to have to. If you say anything else, they're going to literally kick you out. We're going to have to edit this fucking part out because you're such a dumb cunt that you had to keep talking after I told you to not talk. You had to update your table about why you're talking and how silly it is and what I said. It's amazing you managed to have someone in Texas not believe in the First Amendment, ma'am. Yeah.

Yeah, this is why the Second Amendment exists is so that we can shoot people like that in the fucking head. I don't get it. I'm a teacher. Shut the fuck up. Look, look at this guy. You see how fucking polite he is? He's ducking down. Yeah, keep going, you pedophile. Keep going. Keep going. Bunch of freaks in this audience tonight. Pedophiles know how to tiptoe quietly. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

All right. Okay. Done being mean to the teacher. Let's go back to Justine. So you're a professional kickball captain. Yep. Okay. So that's nothing that can relate to anything. That's nothing, yeah.

What made you start stand-up so recently? What made you want to get into this? I actually did it a couple years ago and I took a little break so I've been off stage for two years. I will be honest with you. What I just said was pretty much not my set. I pretty much forgot what I was going to say when I came out here. Do you remember it now?

A little bit more. Why don't you do one of the things that you were going to do instead of whatever the fuck that was. I don't even know what I said. Like, I don't even remember what I said. I remember every single word. Do you? Oh, it was so bad that it's imprinted in my head forever. I have PTSD. Okay, well, I will say that. I have to use Talkspace.com to, using the promo code Kill Tony, saving $80 off my first month. It's the code Space80. Talkspace.com slash Tony.

I need therapy because of what you said. Okay. If you reading ads is funnier than a woman's stand-up, I'm going to kill myself. It's unbelievable.

It is unbelievable. Do you remember anything that you were going to say? No. I will say I've done stand-up four times. I've never done the same joke or the same set. And my first time, I did great. And so I thought I had it in me because everybody thought I was hilarious. I got booked as the closer the next night. Wow. But I haven't done it for two years, and so I've never done any of the material I did tonight. Okay, let me interrupt you. Did you think about after that first set, thanks for telling me to go,

Did you think after that first set that went so great, did you think maybe you should have done some of the material that went so great? I was just naive and I didn't realize that comedians do the same material because they have to perform multiple times. And I thought, oh, I can come up with all this fun stuff every time. When you're watching a musical production, do you think that they're improvising everything in the moment? No, no. Have you ever practiced that before?

Yeah, I know. Absolutely. No, it's fine. It's not that there are a lot of podcasts these days that talk about how comedy works. So how would you ever know? No, exactly. You could listen to it. Rogan breaks things down. There's a lot of ways. You're awesome. I love watching you, actually. And it's just like doing it more and doing it consistently and listen to podcasts because we fucking drone on about how comedy works. So I watch Kill Tony every week. And of course, I'm a diehard fan. Do you retain any of the information? I do. I do.

I try to. Not knowing, maybe I don't, but yeah, I like to think I do. And I knew, I did know that I might come up here and bomb, but I felt like it would be an honor to get roasted. Let's continue to find out information about you. What's your living situation? Where do you live? I live in Phoenix, Arizona. Okay. Do you live by yourself? I live with my brother. We've been together 10 years as roommates. You and your brother have been together 10 years? Roommates! Roomies! Wow.

- Oh my goodness. - You know, talk space therapy and psychiatry are covered by most insurance plans and employers. - Space 80 is the promo code. You may need therapy. Okay, all right, so you live with your brother.

I asked you what you do. You clean luxury homes in Phoenix. That's exclusively your only job? Yeah, so I do. It's like Airbnbs, like million-dollar homes, huge houses. So when guests check out, I go and clean it, and then another guest checks in. I also am in school. I'm a full-time student for exercise science.

You're a full-time student for what? Exercise physiology, exercise science. What are you planning on doing with that? Nothing with that. Just getting that for fun. Perfect. All right. So we have a maid that plays kickball. Oh, sure. Yeah. Maid that plays kickball. Most maids play soccer, but you're white. It's true. So you play kickball. It is the baseball version of soccer.

I like to say it's the sport that people play when they can't play sports. That's also a good point. You also have comedy for people that can't do comedy. Absolutely. Absolutely. All right. There's got to be more. Did anything traumatizing ever happen to you in life? My house was firebombed by a gang when I was 12.

- Okay, by firebomb, do you mean like Molotov cocktails or what does that mean? - So I lived next door to a gang. They poured gasoline around my house. My dad was the starter of the block watch in our neighborhood, so they didn't like that. - I'd like to hear the gang side of the story. - I would too.

My dad probably pissed them off. But yeah, they fired by my house. Your last name's Frazzini, so your dad's last name's Frazzini. Anthony Frazzini? John. John Frazzini. He actually had a show on Public Access. He was a comedian as well. He was a comedian? He was, yeah. Does he know you're doing comedy? Yeah, he does. What does he think about this? Did he tell you? Is he supportive? He is supportive, yeah. He made me do a joke for him on my first set, and it was probably a lot better than what I did tonight. What was that joke?

Okay, it was... So, bands. How do they think of these band names, right? We got Panic at the Disco, Imagine Dragons, The Weeknd, One Guy Gets the Whole Fuckin' Weekend, I Don't Get It. That was it. If your dad really wanted to help your comedy career, he should have just molested you. That's true. That's true. And I don't think it's too late. That's what I'm prescribing.

That's what I'm prescribing. John Frazzini, if you're listening. Because your brother doing it obviously isn't helping much, but if your dad did it. Yeah. Unbelievable. So Justine, I tried my best with you. We're going to figure it out eventually, hopefully. Try harder. There you go. Justine Frazzini getting a little joke book. We're moving on. It's not an easy job.

It's a thankless, thankless job I do up here. Make some noise for Kent Hunter, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian out of the bucket, Kent Hunter. Zero punchlines, good pull of the night. Let's see if Kent changes the way. Kent Hunter. You guys know that all squirrels are flying squirrels if you throw them off a cliff? I recently sexted for the first time. Yeah, I was nervous to know what I was doing. She wanted me to start. And I was like, hey, you're really pretty.

It's a great line, any of you guys feel free to use it. She responded, said, "I'd be a lot prettier with your cock in my mouth." I was like, "Whoa." I didn't know what to say. I didn't really have the heart to tell her I'm more of a weenie guy myself. And then later on, she was like, "I'd like to give you a blow job if you'd reciprocate." I was like, "What does reciprocate mean?" I had to Google the word reciprocate in the middle of, yeah.

And then I did, and I was like, no, I'm not sucking your dick. What? You have a dick? What? All right, thank you, everybody. Kent Hunter, a bucket pool with punchlines, setups, premises, execution. Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. Absolutely incredible. Thank you so much. Kent, welcome back to the show. You've been on before. You famously have shaky legs. I do, and they're already going. Famously the shaky leg guy. Michael's...

How are they feeling tonight? They look pretty solid. Oh, there they go. Oh. No, they started backstage. They started backstage. They just have a life of their own. Whitney, how bad do you want to sit on this guy's lap? I thought you could fuck, dude. Let's go. Napoleon Dynamite, fuck you later. Yeah.

Absolutely. Look at this big, giant, nervous goofball. What's funny is the two people before you had zero punchlines, bombed their asses off, and they didn't seem nervous at all. Isn't it incredible? It almost seems like the more you care, the better you are at this. Isn't that something? Isn't that an amazing study of science we're learning here tonight on Kill Tony? Unbelievable.

How's it going, Kent? Update us about your life since the last time you've been on this show. What do you do for work again? - I work at HEB. - HEB, that's right. How could I forget?

Okay, so what's been going on in life? Everybody loves H-E-B. It's an absolute cornerstone of the Texas community. One of the things to be proud of and represent. It excels at being one of the best grocery stores in the world. Specializing in their specific products being better than the mainstream products that the rest of America is being force-fed. Do you want my job?

What? Do you want my job? No. You're way better at this than I am. No, not at all. I'm just better at understanding why people would be proud of that. It's a staple here in Texas, the greatest state in the United States of America. Okay, so what were you saying? I recently turned 21. I'm totally a real adult now. Oh my goodness. Wow, that's incredible. You look like you fought in Vietnam. That's amazing.

21 years old. Amazing. How's 21 treating you? It's been very good. I've been having a lot more fun. Tell us about it. I've just been able to go out to bars. I'm able to get into more clubs now. A lot of places that wouldn't let me in underage. Now I'm doing a lot more spots. They wouldn't let you in. Now you're allowed to go in. So what are you doing in there?

Drinking. What are you drinking? What are you doing? I like Rumpelmints. What's the wild night in the life of Kent Hunter? I enjoy Rumpelmints. Oh, a real dirt ball. Yeah. Well, well, well. Dirt balls like that. What?

So, Rumpelmints. So, like, what's the most amount of shots of Rumpelmints you've done in a night? Naughty boy. Rumpelmints, not many. About three. Oh, about three. What happens on a night like that? You go out there. Your legs are shaking. People are like, this guy's trashed. I mean, nothing really. I just...

drink, have fun with my friends and go home. - Now we once sent him out on a date and you got a little awkward, a little nervous. You told her nothing's gonna happen, we're not doing anything, let's just enjoy the meal. I paid for the meal, it was at a great restaurant. - Thank you for that, by the way. - Yeah, it was just food. You were supposed to like enjoy the date and enjoy the company and maybe something was gonna happen and instead the second she sat down, you set ground rules, you said nothing's gonna happen.

We're gonna, this is true. Am I right? Am I lying? - It was before we sat down. - Right, well, amazing. Amazing. So what's the deal with that? Are you a virgin? - I still am, yes, sir. - Right, absolutely. Listen to the ladies out there. There's some Latina ladies that wanna fuckin' pop your empanada, you know what I'm sayin'? - Can someone fuck this guy before he shoots up a school? Unless it's that woman's school. - Right.

The Dark Queen Whitney Cummings. First of her name, future Austin resident. Kent Hunter, absolutely incredible. So have you been going on dates at all? Or are you just not interested? I've been trying to. I just, I'm very awkward. I'm not good with women. Yeah. So...

Yeah, I mean, I've matched with a few people on Hinge. I've tried. It's just not really working out. Have you kissed a girl in Austin? You have? Yes. Right. How'd that go? Did you like it? Yeah, it was on the show. Oh, it was. That makes sense. Have you ever kissed a girl not on this show in Austin? Not in Austin, no. But you enjoy kissing girls on Kill Tony? Yeah. Is there a girl out there that...

Look at this guy. He only gets to kiss girls on Kill Tony. It's only happened once before. Is there a hero out there in the crowd? We have the best audiences in the world here on Kill Tony. Is there somebody? Come on up. Come on up. It's got to be your idea. We need your consent. Is there someone out there? Is there a hero amongst us? Is there someone coming? Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Here we go.

There is here. Oh, she's a tiny little thing. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Keep coming. Nope, nope. There you go. Yep. Wow. Congratulations, Kent. You're about to make out with a human stool. Wow. Wow. What is your name? Miranda. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Miranda. That is Kent Hunter. Do you need this chair to stand on?

No, don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. We don't want you getting hurt. No, no, no, no, no. There's only a lawsuit can affect us. It's the only thing that can damage us in any way. Four foot ten hasn't gotten you far until now. Kent, why don't you... Somehow she's going to make a man out of you, this little troll we found. Ladies and gentlemen, Kent, you got to lean down.

Wow. That was a sweet little kiss. Make some noise. Miranda, here's a joke book. Take that with you. Good job. Oh, you like that one, Kent. Doing the slow clap over here. I don't know if you guys saw that. Did a little low slow clap. You seem excited. Your legs aren't shaking anymore. You're right where you need to be in this world. How did that feel, Kent? It was good. You know, I mean,

I try and I try with you. And we all call you the gay one. That's true. That is true. Is it relationship? We need to get you laid. We need you to be less of a Kent hunter and more of a cunt hunter. You know what I'm saying? Did Miranda already go? Did Charity leave? Miranda, you want to go on a date with this guy? What? Huh? Will you go on a date with Miranda? I will, yeah. Are you going to waste our time and tell her that nothing's going to happen beforehand?

You're gonna give her a chance? Sure. Yeah. This guy's gonna be a virgin for eternity. Is it a religious thing? What is the deal? It might be. I grew up religious. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. She said, for those of you that couldn't hear, which is everybody listening to the show, she said, don't worry, don't worry, I've got it. Meaning, she's gonna rape you. Okay.

Are you down for that? You need to get one out of your system, Kent. I don't know if anybody's telling you or told you, you need to fuck, Kent. I know. I'm working on it. I'm trying. You don't need to work. You don't need to try. You need to go out with Miranda, do a few shots of fucking gay-ass rumplements, and then let Miranda take over. Do you understand? Okay. Make sure you wear a condom, because she looks like she's fucking made of patchouli. Okay.

Your bed's gonna smell like a fucking head shop for a week, but it's gonna be fine afterwards. All right? You gonna let her fuck you? Sure, why not? You just lay there. You lay there. Miranda's gonna rape you. You're giving consent. Miranda has been placed in order.

And just let it happen. You can't fail. You need to get one out of your system so that it'll loosen you up. Your legs will stop shaking. You'll just be a different guy. You need to pop it. Got it? Say it. I'm gonna pop it. Say it. It. No, you gotta say the whole thing. I'm gonna pop it.

There you go. Ladies and gentlemen. You know what? If you want to, you can be on the Secret Show Thursday. You can have the date. You know what we're going to do? We're going to fast track it. Miranda and you are going to have drinks tonight at Mitzi's. What do you mean you can't? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He's already saying he can't. I can't tonight. Why? I have to work at 4 a.m. tomorrow. Oh, Jesus Christ almighty. You work at H-E-B, dude. Yes.

And they already want to fire me. What? They already want to fire me. Why? Why do they want to fire you? I've been calling in a bunch. Because you've been walking around with a fucking boner for the past two years? All right. Well, we're going to figure it out. We're going to make it happen. There he goes. Kent Hunter, ladies and gentlemen. He's doing the Secret Show Thursday. He's already got a big joke book. We're getting through it. Let's get one more bucket pull up here before we get to one of the great regulars of the show.

We're having fun, but let's meet another human. We got a little bit of momentum. Make some noise for Luke Stamm, everyone. We're going to meet Luke Stamm right now, live on Kill Tony. I heard if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. That's why I became a school bus driver, because I love driving drunk. Oh, but what about the children? Don't worry, I drive a short bus.

Those parents would be fucking thrilled if I got into an accident. They could finally buy themselves something nice instead of another scooter for little Timmy every time his big ass bobblin' head shit the motor out. Now I told that joke and this older lady came up to me and said I ruined her day because she had two kids with Down Syndrome or whatever the fuck. And I don't mean to throw caution to the wind here when I say this, but how fucking rude.

After you had the first one, you kept prancing around with a broken twat and you squirted out another? Then again, it probably isn't her fault because if her pussy's tight enough to squeeze an extra chromosome into every head that passes through her, imagine how retarded it must have felt for her husband to slam his dickhead through her. Abso-fucking-lutely. Welcome, Luke Stam.

Truly, truly funny. Hello. Welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years. Four years. Where at? Colorado Springs. I love it. Do you live here now? Yeah, I moved here in April. I love it. Absolutely. How's Austin treating you? Not too bad. It's a lot hotter than I thought it'd be. I bought a bunch of coats for no fucking reason. Ha, ha, ha.

That'll come in handy for like a few days in December, January. But yeah, it is incredibly hot here. The first one's the worst. Everybody told me that first summer you'll get used to it. You'll start to like it. I didn't believe them, but it actually is a thing. Good, good. I have so much sweat in my ass, I swear. Shit, my pants are something. Yeah, no, you look like you would have a sweaty ass. Oh, yeah, all the time. Yeah.

Constantly. Drenched. That makes perfect sense. What do you do for a living, Luke? I do valet. Okay. People let me drive their cars. That's incredible. Nothing better than a sweaty-ass guy getting multiple cars. Soaking their seats. Is it like at a fancy restaurant, hotel? I mean, I probably shouldn't say, but yeah. It's a fancy place for rich people that tip me too much. And if they don't tip me, I fart in their car. Perfect. Perfect.

Perfect. But don't they tip at the end? Yeah, well, you know. You just guess whether or not they're going to tip? I just let them rip. That's just an excuse. Right, exactly. Okay, Luke, I love it. How old are you? 27. 27. What else do you do for fun in life? Yeah, I look like shit. Jesus Christ. Oh, you're great. You're doing just great. What else do I do? Yeah, what's fun for you? I play a lot of pool.

Fuck it. I don't know what else. I just quit drinking, so everything's boring now. Beautiful. What made you quit drinking? I really like other drugs, so yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Like what? Like cocaine. Yeah. Yeah.

And that was a big thing for you in Colorado Springs? Oh, that's all Colorado Springs is for. Right, exactly. And you moved here and got sober, or did you get sober then moved here? No, I got sober here, but I was still drinking for the first couple months here. I got here in April. Yep, the old William Montgomery, that's what we call him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He came here and found sobriety in Austin, which is extremely hard to do. And I would just read books in my room, drink coffee, and listen to smooth jazz. Oh, wow.

Think about buying a gun to suck on. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Absolutely. Yep, that makes sense. Nothing better than smooth jazz and sucking on a gun. Nothing like it, Tony. Uh-uh.

No, not at all. But you don't have a gun yet? No, not yet. Are you thinking about getting one? Well, I live in Texas now, so I should. You should. Absolutely. What's your living situation like? Oh, it was pretty rough when I first got here. It was better than living in my car, but I keep finding people on Facebook Marketplace that have rooms for rent. Yeah.

And like the first lady, her boyfriend got off his medication and beat her up and he went to jail. And then I moved into her studio apartment with her. And then she started hoarding animals, so I got out. Whoa, what kind of animals was she hoarding? Like a great Pyrenees dog, two cats, a turtle she found outside, a rabbit off of Facebook, two Blue Jays and a pigeon. Wow. Yeah. I'd like to hear her boyfriend's side of the story. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

I don't even think it was his fault anymore. Yeah. If I didn't get out of there, I started hitting her too. Yeah. Imagine how those animals felt when you moved in. Oh, brother. Yeah. There's a new dog in the house or whatever the fuck. That's right. That is right. A greater Dane. Luke, what's your love life like? Do you bring a girl back to the zoo that you lived in? No, absolutely not. No? Nope. Nothing at all? Nothing significant in here. What?

That mustache. Mustaches are just for really older ladies and other dudes to say they like it. It's a stage prop, really. Is that what you're into? You into cougars? I'm into anything that will talk to me. Absolutely. So nothing at all.

Yeah, exactly. I love it. You've been getting a lot of spots here in Austin, Texas? Doing a lot of comedy? Not really. I was just trying to survive for the first couple months, but... Right. Did you save money up in Colorado Springs? Fuck no. I came here with like $200 in my car. Wow. Amazing. Yeah. Unbelievable. So give us some tricks to surviving on a low budget.

Have friends that will toss you money whenever you ask. Don't burn too many bridges. That's important. That is very important. Eat the same thing every day. What do you eat? What's your trick? I broke my ankle at the beginning of the year and didn't have a job, so I had to come up with the cheapest meal to eat. You get three pounds of beef from HEB, of course. A can of Rotel.

A can of refried beans, a bag of cheese, taco seasoning, 20 bucks feeds you for a week. Wow, look at that. Convigorate. That feeds Red Band for a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Absolutely amazing. So how would you keep this refrigerated?

Oh, well, I mean, I don't live in my car. Oh, okay. You would put it in the animal fridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Why do you like cocaine if you have no money, though? That seems like a really bad... Well, that's why I had no money for the longest time. And also, people just give me stuff for free because they like seeing me fucked up. And you're fun to... I bet you were fun to hang out with. I'm a fucking blast. Yeah. I'm hammered. Yeah, I bet. You have that energy. Oh, absolutely. I can see it.

What is something that we would be surprised to know about you or your life or something like that? Oh, I'm an Eagle Scout. Oh, wow.

You're pointing at yourself. I became an Eagle Scout also. Wow, a pedophile's dream. Oh, yeah. Absolutely incredible. Is that like when you're a grown-up and you do it? I don't get it. What's the difference between an Eagle Scout and a Cub Scout? Oh, you just make it far enough, and then they give you, like, they call you an Eagle. You have to go through Boy Scouts first. Boy Scouts, Cub Scouts, all the types of Scouts. Isn't it called Nambla now? I don't know what the fuck. It's gay as shit now. Yeah. Right. I mean, it was always gay, but...

What kind of porn do you watch? Girl Scout. A lot of it. Yeah. Yeah, I like when the lady talks. Holy shit. Yeah, that's D Madness. Gets you every time. Yep, he does. He pees 14 times an hour. It's incredible. I don't know if this is interesting, but I am from Butler, Pennsylvania. Ah.

That's where Trump got shot. Yes, absolutely. It's now famous for being that. We're on the map. Right. Yes, you are. And incredible. Do you know the person that shot him or anything like that? No, no, no, I don't. Not at all.

I know who's on... My little brother was the captain of the rifle team in my high school, because we have shooting ranges in our schools in Pennsylvania, because of fucking rules. Yeah. And then, yeah, I guess we were undefeated against that kid's team for, like, the past ten years running, and that kid sucked so bad he didn't even make the team. Wow. Thank God he's the one that took the shot. Amazing. What a loser. All the way to the absolute finish. Incredible, huh?

What's the longest set you've ever done? 15, 20 minutes. Well, guess what? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you want. Love to do it. This is a big joke book. Want one of these? Boom. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony debut of great performance by Luke Stamm, everyone. One of the newest residences of Austin, Texas. Business is a-boomin'. The Ford Explorer has what you need for the road ahead.

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Oh, it's such a clutch off-season pickup, Dave. I was worried we'd bring back the same team. I meant those blackout motorized shades. Blinds.com made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds. Hard to install? No, it's easy. I installed these and then got some from my mom. She talked to a design consultant for free and scheduled a professional measure and install. Hall of Fame's son? They're the number one online retailer of

custom window coverings in the world. Blinds.com is the GOAT. Shop Blinds.com right now and get up to 45% off select styles. Rules and restrictions may apply. And now I introduce one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show here with a brand new 60 seconds like he does every other week. This is the great Cam Patterson. It's election time. I'm upset, bro. People expect me to vote. Look at me.

You don't want me to vote, dumbass. That's crazy. I don't make good decisions. I think I vote the same way I pick the women I fuck with my dick. And that's why I didn't vote the last couple years, because it would have been gay. Because Trump Orange and Joe Biden was tired, right? But this year, Kamala there, you know, I fucked the shit out of Kamala Harris. I fucked, I fucked, she's 60, I fucked the shit out of Kamala Harris, I swear to God.

Would you fuck Kamala Harris, sir? You would? I don't want to be... That's my brother with that gay nigga. I will tell you, I'm glad they let Joe Biden go to sleep. It's time. I didn't know he was 82 years old. That's crazy to me. I didn't know that. My grandma 82. And I love my grandma. That's my soldier. That's my heart, dog. Would I let her run the country? Fuck no. I wouldn't let that bitch drive a car.

One day, somebody met her and he was like, how you doing? I'm Karen Patterson's friend. Good to meet you. We live in the same apartment complex. I'm going to say it again. How you doing? I'm Karen's friend. We live in the same apartment complex. And my grandma went, happy birthday, and then walked away. I've been Karen Patterson. Thank you so much. One minute, 30 seconds. 50% more than he even had to do. Just coming out, running fucking new material. I absolutely love it. Topical. Great.

If you endorse Kamala, if you endorse her, she will let you fuck her. I don't know if you know that. She only fucks people that can help her career at all. Really good news. You got my vote, bitch. Yep.

Yep. If you trying to suck a dick or something, let me know. He is talking directly to you, Kamala Harris. Is she married? She married? She is married to a tiny white man who definitely is gay and doesn't fuck her. Yeah. I could be the first man. That's what it's called? The first nigga in the president? What it is? The first guy? I like that version. The first N-word. You know what I'm saying? I'll do that. No, you can't be with Kamala. You only fuck black chicks. What she is?

Again, it depends on where she is. - Yeah, you're not wrong. - Her ethnicity. She goes from being Indian to black to-- - I fuck Indians too, nigga. I don't give a damn. - Okay. - This dick not racist. This dick love all people. - That's right. - All women. But I'm cool with the gays. - There you go. If there's any gays that are on the line there-- - Cool with the gays. - He's pro-gay. - No, I'm pro-gay, yes. - Yep.

Yeah, yeah. You had heard it here, folks. Cam just admitted that he's a professional gay. You said you're a pro-gay. So? Yeah. You know what? You can't fight it. You just got to let it happen. Okay, whatever. There you go. Yes, and. Whatever you say. Roll with the punches. White people love gay shit. Okay. That's true. They love being gay. That's okay. Okay.

Are you running for president? This is amazing. Vote for me, I'll legalize fentanyl. Hell yeah. Okay. All right. Is it random? I don't know. I love it. I like that. Absolutely. Hell yeah. What else is going on in life, Cam Patterson? I've just been chilling, really. I got hand tattoos now. I'm pretty excited about those. Oh, wow. Hell yeah. Look at that. What does that say? This one say, go harder from when I beat my meat. Uh-huh.

And this one say, be great, because I want to be great. That's what that one say. I love it. Yeah, yeah. Amazing. Were you not going hard enough while masturbating before? Sometimes you got to remind yourself, you know what I'm saying? Yep. Go a little, tug that motherfucker a little more. Absolutely. See what I mean? Absolutely. Tug that bitch a little stronger. Yeah. Yeah.

Hell yeah. You got a new go hard tattoo. Yeah. It was pretty big. The people I was in on when I was in Louisville, people came from Indiana and they, uh, they, I signed their leg and they got a tatter on their leg. They got my sentence tatter on their leg. Okay. Where was that at? In, uh, Sellersburg, Indiana. Did he have a bunch of other tattoos? Uh, yeah. Wow.

Of other people's names? Nah. Oh, okay. I mean, probably I'm the first black person on this leg, though. Wow, look at you. I'm excited. It's three people did it. It's three white people. Hell yeah. Amazing. I made my people proud that day. Absolutely. I branded a white man. Yep. Yep. Three of them.

Yep. Shout out Top Shelf Inc. Oh, how the times have changed. Absolutely incredible. What else is going on? Anything else crazy? Shit, nothing really. I just been running around. I got a new spot. I got a new place now, so I'm excited about that. Nice. Is it nice? It's nice. I mean, yeah, hell yeah. My dad came and he was like, man, this shit all right. You did better than what I thought you was going to do, so that's cool. It's good. Are you done letting open micers sleep on your couch?

Nah, I'm a good person. No, you need to stop that. Okay, I'll stop that. Okay, good. Okay. You're now at the level where you've helped enough people. Yeah. I mean, I got an extra room. I got a game room and shit. You got a game room? Yeah, yeah. It's just another room. Are there any games in it? There's games in that bitch. Hell yeah. I got a PS4. I got a PS5. I got a PS3. Wow. I got an Xbox. Oh, my goodness. I got a Switch. Wow. I got a lot of guns, too, pussy. Oh, shit.

I told you what I had, but I'll kill you, bitch. I'm looking at the camera. I'll murder you, fuck nigga. Oh my goodness. I'll blow your fucking face off, pussy. That is incredible. That is incredible. I'm sorry. I told him everything I had. Oh shit, but I will fucking kill you. I swear to God. That's right.

That's right. Come back, bitch, you want to. Don't try to take his PS. Yeah. Foe. Yeah. Foe, three, five, whatever. I'll blow your fucking face off, nigga. Five. You feel me right, Susan? Talk to me. Hell yeah. You get me, Susan. Locked in. Hell yeah. She's pregnant now. I love you, white bitch. She's pregnant. I love it. Cam, you're an absolute icon. We love you. You're the man. Oh, yeah, Whitney. I'm having a self-destructive instinct. Yeah.

I'm going to be at the Austin City Limits in September on the 6th. Would you like to do some time on the show? Yes, ma'am. Boom. Hell yeah. Huge. Thank you so much. Your energy is amazing. It is. He's the best. You're amazing. Thank you. I would love it. I would love it. I would be there. On the 6th, right down the street. Yes, ma'am. Okay, let's do it. Thank you so much. Cam Patterson doing it. Living the dream.

He's a star. He's gonna be a fucking arena act any day now. He's like a full-sized Kevin Hart. All right, another bucket full. Here we go. Make some noise for J.T. Abbott. Here we go. Why are people so upset that Californians are moving to Texas? You know? I feel like... Good bit. I feel like...

I feel like we did the same shit to the Native Americans, you know? Except now it's just a lot less syphilis and genocide and just a whole lot more acai bowl shops. My girlfriend asked me recently if she liked what she was wearing and I told her, "Do you want to be honest with you?" And she said, "Sure." And I said, "I fucked your sister." I feel like we really need to revisit the movie Indiana Jones.

You know? 'Cause I feel like having a white American man with a whip going to foreign land, steal something that didn't belong to him, and then we made him the hero of the movie, you know? I feel like we're just rehashing old ones. All right, thank you so much. I'm JT Abbott. JT Abbott. You were just on, right, JT? I was just on. I was just literally watching myself as I came on, which is funny. Right. You were on exactly last week. Yes, sir. Okay.

And how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for three years now. Three years. And you came out and you asked a very broad question. Those were the first words out of your mouth. Yes, sir. Why are people mad when people from California move here? Yes, sir. And you left a huge opportunity for people to... You waited, too, as if though you almost wanted to get heckled. Yeah, true. What was your plan there?

I kind of froze up, to be completely honest. You weren't planning on opening up with that question? You know, I mean, my set originally did have that question in it. I was going to open up with that set. I just didn't picture anyone from the crowd to yell out to me. Any time you ask a question of any kind, you're inviting an opportunity for someone to respond. Completely true. If you leave a pause, they're definitely going to. Yes, sir. You're going to find out who's retarded in the audience.

And who isn't extremely quickly because they will respond. People that are ridiculously stupid will literally be like, I have an answer. And they'll say it to you. Matt Reif became a millionaire also. It's true. So, JT Abbott. Yes, sir. Is there anything we didn't talk about last week that I should know about you? Not really. There he goes. JT Abbott, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, they're not here. Very good. I found this set disinteresting. So while we wrangle the next comedian, I'm going to bring up a special unit that specializes when people bomb on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is another set from Drew Nickens. I love the Lord. And I love Black Church.

I just hate when I'm the only one in my family that gets searched for weapons. Fuck you, Dylann Roof! I'm a feminist and a degenerate gambler. That's why I love betting on female boxing. I mean, I stopped watching porn for three months because I was so deep in the research. You've been so ugly that people can't believe that you're a biological woman? Crazy!

Mauricio Suleiman says that women shouldn't be able to box more than two minute rounds. I say fuck that. I think they can box three minute rounds. And they can be drafted. Yeah, man. I also know that there's no such thing as a women's power puncher. The last one I knew retired 14 years ago. And his name is Chris Brown.

Thank you all so much. True, Nickens. All right. There was a lot there. You were bouncing around from premise to premise. Did you say you stopped watching porn for three months? Yeah, I was really deep into Katie Serrano versus Amanda Serrano versus Katie Taylor. What is that? That was a boxing match that happened last year. And I was so deep, I stopped watching porn because I kept watching all the matches and they were really bloody. Really?

And you can't masturbate after watching Bloody Women. You can't masturbate after watching Bloody Women. I masturbate to Bloody Women. That's what I search for when I'm looking up porn. Okay, that was a joke that somehow got nothing. All right, let's talk about it. So you bounced from boxing to porn back to boxing. Was that about the Olympic lady? Yes, yes, yes. Because, you know, she's so ugly, everyone's like, that can't just be a woman!

I think she's a woman. She lost nine times. You didn't mention that in your set. That would have been funny. Oh, okay. Yeah. There's times, Drew, and, you know, a lot of people, you know, you're kind of a controversial regular, right? In the way that you have an incredible amount of brain damage and...

You know, it's interesting. People are going to watch you grow on this show. They're going to watch you learn. You're a specific type of specimen that's going to be more molded than someone who's flexing and showcasing their amazing work like an Ari Matty type, right? Or like a Cam Patterson. You're a little bit more of a grower than a shower.

Comedy-wise, right? So let's take note of what worked during that set, which was a moment where in between the stuff you just went, "Ha ha." And it got a laugh. Because it was you. It was present Drew Nickens in the moment. You understand what I'm saying? Yes, sir. It wasn't you pushing these ideas, these premises that you had loaded up and locked. It was you kind of taking a breath, right? Yes, sir. Being present in a moment.

I also lost like $1,000 on women's boxing. How'd you lose $1,000? So, Michaela Mayer got robbed versus Alicia Baumgartner.

I had three different women's boxing matches that week. And if she would have won, I would have made a payday. You had a parlay. Not a parlay, but I had two parlays, and then I had one straight bet on her for about $1,000. You had a straight bet for $1,000 on a women's boxing match? Yes! I had problems! You have an unbelievable amount of brain damage. This is incredible. Well...

Okay, women's sports. The skill gap between good and great is so much more than men's sports that it's easier to win money on the favorite. Women have these things you might not know about, Drew. Once a month...

They have these things that happen. And we, the bettors or the viewers, don't know when those are going to happen. I'm a big fan of UFC. I have a couple friends that are female fighters, champions at times in their careers. And I'm not saying that perhaps they have been in a fight where it's been that time of the month, but it happens and they lose during that time. Their chemicals are off. It's a whole thing. Whitney, you want to step in for me? Help me out a little bit.

There's a lot of things that happen. You're the expert on bloody women. I mean, that's kind of been your thing. So it's a tough art form to gamble on because their mental, their brains get a little wiry, right? Yeah. And we lie. Yeah. And cheat. Yeah.

I mean, let me ask you this, Whitney. Here's an interesting question that I guess is kind of relatable. Okay. Have you ever had a scheduled, like, special taping and that happens? Had my period in a special? Yeah. Um, no. Do you schedule it around that? Do you do, like, the opposite type of thing where you're like, okay, if I'm having it here, maybe I should schedule it for here? I mean, when we have our period, like, our memories still work. Right. Like, we can...

Kind of. Not the women I've been with. We can still pretty much function. And usually the week before is even worse half the time when it comes to your brain, right? Red band. That was red band, ladies and gentlemen, just in case it came across in the audio like it could be me. I guess what I'm saying is that in sports, you don't have a choice. It's scheduled out. And champions, this is like a fact, can...

be wobbly. A lot of people say Ronda Rousey when she took the head kick from Holly Holm perhaps was going through woman issues. Do you know what a period is, Drew? Should we ask that virgin? I feel like he knows more about this than me. I had my mom. She had periods sometimes. Right. How do you know that?

Because she would be really angry, like, one week out of the month. Yeah. I love her, though. She's my favorite. But, no, she would get grouchy, and she would have chocolate and Mountain Dew on deck. Right. Like, all the essentials for periods. Right, ma'am? This episode brought to you by Mountain Dew and chocolate. Yeah! Ladies, I got it at the house. I just moved to Austin, so we're on deck! Oh, my God.

You know, you're out there losing bets, Drew. I recommend doing writing, and if you're going to bet on sports, do it using the DraftKings sportsbook. Download the app and use code KILLTONY. If you bet $5, you instantly get $150 in bonus bets, Drew. It's true. Oh, great! I'll use that tomorrow! Thank you, Drew. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Drew Nickens, everybody. Ha ha ha!

Well, that's going to go down in history as one of the most awkward moments in Kill Tony history. Remember the time that Tony tried to explain that it's not a good idea to bet on women's sports because they might have a period? And then he checked in with Whitney to see a female comedian schedule their specials around it, and the place got quiet and weird, and everybody turned on Tony. I haven't had my period in 30 years. You know that, Tony. Ha ha ha!

I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Bill Carroll, everybody. And make some noise for Bill, everyone. I think I might be straight because I finally made it through Brokeback Mountain without jacking off. Thank you. Here's something I've been wondering. Maybe this is something you guys can help me out with. Is it gay to suck someone else's dick if there's a gun to your head? What's that?

"What if you're the one holding the gun? Is that gay or is that just a hostage situation?" The other day I saw this homeless guy and he had a sign that said, "Will change my mind about black people for $10." It's weird. I figured I'd do my part, so I gave the guy 10 bucks. He was like, "All right, well, I don't like him anymore. Thank you."

Bill Carroll. Love it. Welcome. This is your first time on the show? This is my second time. Okay, great. The other one go good, too?

Not really. Great. Well, look at you now. Yeah, thank you. How long ago was that performance, your last one? It was about eight months ago. Okay. You've been working hard at it. Yeah, for sure. Eight months ago was the first time I had done stand-up, so I did my debut on the show. Oh, amazing. Yeah. Hell yeah. There you go. Eight months. Incredible. Incredible.

So, very funny stuff, Bill. You're doing it. You're living the dream. What did we find out about you last time you were on? What do you do for work? What's your... Yeah, we found out I work at a factory in Los Angeles. I live in Austin, but I didn't then. Right. And I think we were indexing early on that I was kind of an ordinary... I think you had pegged me. I was just an ordinary, boring, white guy. Yeah. But we found out I had an Asian girlfriend. Uh-huh. And...

Pretty unusual. No, but the caveat, she was Filipino, and that was people seeing. Okay. What's your job now? Well, my days are numbered at the factory because it turns out the CEO of the company watches this show. Oh, shit. It's not a big deal. It's all right. You know what I mean? Like, I'm kind of a baby. I probably should maybe move on. I think you should.

I thought the factory was in L.A. It's in Los Angeles. So I moved here after. I did kill Tony. Uh-huh. I was doing mics in Los Angeles afterwards. But I lived in Manhattan Beach, which is just totally irrelevant as far as L.A. comedy goes. Uh-huh. So I was driving an hour to go to Burbank and to go to third wheel comedy in East Hollywood. And it was just terrible. So I was like, I got to come to Austin and incubate. Yeah. Yeah.

So what do you do for work now? I still work there, but they... You work at a factory in Los Angeles. Yeah, that's right. How? I'm trying to figure this out. Thank you, Red Band, for your addition of how. I got this, Red Band. Thank you so much for the assistance here. Red Band hit 50 hard. Oh, yeah. I was kind of getting to that how. Thank you. So how? Yeah.

It's a good question, Tony. Well, I used to be there in person. I'm now remote. I was there last week. Okay, hold on. Let me back it up a little bit. They would like to fire me because I moved to Austin very spontaneously, and that wasn't part of the contract. But I'm a programmer, like a computer programmer, and so I still work remotely. But I come back regularly.

back and forth pretty often. You really are an ordinary guy. I can't understand what you're saying. How does your Filipino girlfriend understand what you're saying? I can hardly follow. How?

How? Um... Yeah. I don't know. Maybe she doesn't understand me. She's just along for the ride, maybe. Is she with you, or are you in the relationship remotely as well? I brought her with me. She was part of the reason. She wanted to leave Los Angeles as well. She went to USC. She had been there for like seven years. Right. And so I had done, killed Tony. I won't get out here. Take me with you.

Is that what she sounds like? Yeah. I love you. What tongue hail? Wow. You go Austin? Okay. Very good. Sorry. That's racist. Absolutely incredible. How? She's here with me. Her name? Yeah. Her name is How. Yes. Very good. H-A-O. You don't have to do the math on that. Let her do it. Bill, what do you do for fun now that you're here in Austin, Texas? Um...

We try to explore a little bit. We go to restaurants and check out the scene as much as we can. I don't want to say, I do too much of the open mic. I do open mics way too much. I think my girlfriend is maybe like starving as a result. What does she do when you're doing that? She stays at home and she is knitting. It's a new thing. It's a new thing. She's crocheting and she's knitting clothing.

Ah, very good. Is she making clothes? She's making clothes, yeah. Okay, they're good at that.

They are good at that. We're finding out, yeah. But I don't think she knew initially that it was an innate thing. She's kind of discovering it now. And she works like, she works crazy hours just knitting. It's almost self-imposed labor. Is she able to do it when she's on her period? Oh, yeah. Me not want knit no more. My pussy bleed. I cannot knit while pussy bleed.

Bill, you be doing too many open mic. Stay here with me, I'm emotional. Bill. Bill. Bill. Are you listening to me, Bill? Yes, baby. Come here, Bill. I want you to suck my dick with your gun to your head. I ladyboy in this joke. I have dick in this joke. Okay. Bill. Bill.

So now that you're single, you're going to have a lot of good new material. I hear you want to kill Tony. I do not like it. You no more open mic. Tell us a deep, dark secret that you would never want to share on a live podcast.

Come on, Bill. You got it. You got this, Bill. Be honest. All right, I'll try. This is the first thing that comes to mind. I love it. Just, yeah, I suppose at this point there's no more occupational hazards. We did this, they did Deepest, Darkest Secret at the creek in the cave. No one knows what any of what you just said is. Yeah, my bad. Answer the question, Bill. Yes, sir. Well, I played a lot of soccer when I was growing up, and when we were really young, like...

I don't really remember. Maybe it was like early teenager. We went to a camp in Pennsylvania.

And so it was a bunch of guys and we're in an old dormitory and I think we were kind of like, you know, aimless. We didn't know what to do after soccer. So someone broke into the basement of the dormitory and they found a television, like an old, you know, TV and it had porn, pornography on it. There was a, there's naked ladies and stuff going on on the TV. So we all, we all went down there and, um, this is, it's going to sound gayer than it was. It wasn't that gay.

Like, it's gonna... I know what you guys are thinking. But, like, we didn't know what to do, like, because we're, like, new to, I think, jerking off and stuff. So people just had big, like, erections, and they would, like, walk around... How do you know they were big? Ha ha ha.

I had nothing to base it off of. They're bigger than mines. They're big erections. You were seeing their erections. But it was through mesh shorts. So everyone had a boner and they didn't know what to do with it. They're like, bro, check it out. And I'd be like, dude, shame. Yeah. But that was the extent of it. But it's extreme. It's very... And then what happened? I think we just porned out for a little bit and then bounced. When you say...

Porned out. We were just casually watching, like spectating pornography. We weren't participating as you normally would. You guys need to all get go-hard tattoos on your right hand.

That's what you and your former soccer team need. Bill, what size joke book did you get last time you were on the show? I got one of the big leather guys. You got a big one? Yeah, yeah. What did you do correctly to get that? Well, the set didn't go so hot, but the interview was fun, I believe, and so you were feeling charitable, so you gave me one of the big guys. Wow, incredible. Well, go right. Keep it up, Bill. You're doing it. Thank you. Good job. Good set. Appreciate it. Thank you so much.

You're watching them grow. You're watching them grow in front of your very eyes like a soccer team watching porn.

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Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more. That's BetterHelp.com. All right. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Cole Castle. Cole Castle. Here he comes. I think girls are getting too kinky. I don't like it.

I was with a girl recently, she told me to slap her while we were having sex. I was like, "No, I don't feel comfortable doing that." She kept asking, I kept saying no. We were going back and forth, back and forth. I finally slapped her, and she got pissed. I was like, "What do you mean? You told me to slap you." She goes, "Yeah, not 15 minutes after sex." I was like, "Well, maybe you don't talk during the movie. I don't know." Yeah.

You gotta be careful hooking up though. Obviously, abortion is banned in Texas. I knew a girl that got one two days before it was banned. Two days. I was like, "You are the Kobe Bryant of getting abortions." Just at the buzzer. I mean, that baby hit the trash with one second left on the clock. And she was like, "No, I'm not like Kobe. You can't compare me to him." I go, "You're right. If you were anything like Kobe, you would have died with your kid." So... All right, thank y'all.

Very good. A work of art. A 60-second masterpiece from Cole Castle. Is this your first time on the show? Second time. Second time. I was on in December. December. Yeah. I love it. How's life been going for you, Cole? It's been going pretty good. I'm actually a little nervous right now. I don't know.

I used to talk to an influencer and she has a whole podcast coming about me tomorrow. So I am scared. Oh my goodness. You were dating her? Talking for a couple months. Okay. And she's been building this up. I've been waiting for the day and it's here and I am scared. Oh my goodness. What are you scared of? What do you think she's going to do? I don't know. I forget. I was thinking like what I said to her. When you're with a girl, you kind of like, you know.

say everything to her get very tell all your secrets and now she has a platform to tell everyone all my secrets so I'm getting a little nervous but we'll see dude beat her to it tell them here tell them

Yeah, what are the secrets? She loves the N-word. No, I don't know. What are your secrets? What is she going to say? Don't tell us her secrets. Oh, no. What? No. I don't know. I don't know what my secrets are. What are you afraid that she's going to say? I think she's just going to say, I don't know. No, I don't. Michael Gonzalez just said, yeah, you do. Is it like sexual stuff? Don't let her make money off your secrets, Tony.

I think I'm going to wait to see what she says and then I'm going to counteract off that. Let her play offense first. That is not very presidential. The Latina women in the front are giving you a thumbs down. No, because then you'll make it bigger if you respond. Look, I felt comfortable sharing that with y'all and now I feel like everyone's turning on me and I don't like that at all.

I felt safe and now I don't. I love how present and real you are, Cole. Incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up? About eight months. Eight months? My goodness. Incredible. Two funny eight-month guys back-to-back. Okay. What do you do for work? Sales. Insurance planning, sales, nothing crazy. Amazing. What do you do for fun?

Just mics. I'll play basketball, you know, play Xbox. Really, this is like my thing. You love stand-up comedy. Yeah, for sure. You work very hard at it. Yeah, I could definitely be working harder, but yeah. I still love it, but I'm like, dude, I'd love to be doing mics right now. Then I'm just like in bed at nine. At nine? Yeah, some days, some days. Wow. Yeah. What do you do in bed at nine? You fall asleep? No, I just watch TV, you know.

So I turn on the old VPN sometimes. Oh, look at that. Yeah, the usual. Wow. Amazing.

Express VPN, I hope. Go on a hinge a lot. It's my go-to. Okay. So you go on dates with people? Yeah. I actually went on a date on Thursday. Went over to this girl's place, just like drinking wine, hanging out. We're playing this card game of like, ask like kind of dirty questions, get to know each other. And the question was, what's your favorite curse word? And I'm like, I don't know, probably fuck or like rape or something. And then she goes...

She goes, my favorite is, and then just says the N-word. Wow. At first, I thought she was joking. I was like, that's kind of funny. But then she giggled and then said the hard R, and I was like, oh, it's not so funny anymore. Right. Now it's not funny, it's sexual. Yeah, I mean...

You know, I was hard, but I had to go. Right. Yeah. That's why they call it hard art. Yeah. So how did that date end? I literally left, like, two minutes later. That's... I don't know. I think that's a big turnoff for me if they're racist. I feel like that's fair. Well, guess you're not hanging out with us tonight. No, I was kidding. Only when girls are racist. Guys, it's cool. But, yeah. Right. Was she on her period? Uh...

I didn't get that far, but... I would never... You know, obviously, I work with the blacks. Yeah. And...

I never say the N word around them. Yeah. But sometimes I do write it down and hold it right up to D Madness' face. Big block letter is. What's that in front of me? What's that breeze I'm feeling? I just wave it in front of him. It's cooling you down, D. It sucks. I keep...

You seem concerned. I'm joking. I know. You really are concerned with people saying the N-word. No, it's fine. I was going to say, like, I love pussy, but I love black people more, so I had to... Wait a second. Sorry, I should have done that. What is wrong? That is the craziest lie that's ever been told in the history of the show. I love black people more than pussy? Even D-9 is like, shut your gay ass up, motherfucker.

Oh my god.

All right, fine. I'll hang out with her again. There you go. Make it happen. What? Nothing. Redman with another nothing in this episode. Always good on podcasting. Go ahead. So now you're saying you hate black people, but never mind. The time has passed. But you don't want to say the influencer of the person. Is she big? Is she a big influencer? She's pretty big. Every time we went out together, she got recognized a lot.

So she's based here? Yeah. Okay. Gamer girl? Gamer? No. TikToker. She's literally your Xbox girl.

Were you guys close? You keep saying that you just talked with her. Yeah, I mean, like, we only talked for a couple months, but, like, we hung out, like, every day until then. So it was pretty... I don't know. I don't feel like when you're, like, 23 and famous and you have fake tits in a hot tub, you can do whatever you want. And so, like, we get in, like, one argument, and she's like, dude, fuck it, I'm downloading Hinge again. And I'm like, baby, wait. She needs to go on to unhinge. Yeah.

And, yeah. It's a little. And then it was a little too much, and I had to, I actually ended it with her. It was like, it was too much, or I just couldn't do it anymore. Right. And that disappointed her. Probably not. No. She started talking to a new guy like a week later, so she was fine. So she's just basically using you for content.

Yeah, I think we were using each other for content for a bit, for sure. That's actually a great point. You've been talking about her. She talks about you. Yeah. And then she just needed a guy that would come around so that I was doing that until I wasn't. And then she found the next one and he's...

Probably so much better than me, so... Oh my god, why would you say that? No, I don't know, like... In what ways do you think he might be better than you? Just, I was a late... Well, it was hard when we first started talking. I had just gotten surgery on my ankle. So, like, I'm on crutches. Like, I literally couldn't do anything. Right. Like, she had to, like, pick me up. I couldn't drive. It's not funny. All right. God, what the fuck? Pissing me off.

Somehow that's my favorite moment of the episode so far. You're just saying things like, it's not funny. Shut up. It's not funny, guys. Shut up. Stop laughing at me. Shut up. If you could have seen the other people we pulled out of the bucket tonight. I actually went to high school with JT. He was on a couple people ago. JT? Yeah. He's been doing it three,

here? Yeah. It started with a question. It did not go good. Yeah, that's what he told me. Yeah. What exactly did he tell you? This is a fun thing. I didn't realize. He said the exact, well, because he got pulled last week and I was like, I'm not even happy for you. Like, I'm just jealous. Yeah. And pissed. And then he came up and he's like, I bombed. I was like, no, you didn't. Because he said that last time. He was like, no, I actually did. And then he said it. He's like, yeah, I opened up the question. Tony was telling me that. Saying that you were giving him like actual advice instead of roasting him. So I was like, that's something. Yeah. It's more of a heartfelt episode. Yeah. Yeah.

So, are you gonna get canceled? Is that what you feel? No, I don't think so. I think it's fine. It's just, like, internet stuff. I'll be all right. I mean, dude, if, like, this would have... I think this went all right. If this would have gone terribly, I, like, would have killed myself tonight. Like...

Like this and the podcast episode coming out, there's like nothing for me. But it went good. You think so? Yeah, it did. Thanks, Tony. I think it went real good. You got a big joke book last time you were on. You got a little one. Well, guess what, buddy? Here you go.

Hey, and I'd love to have you on The Secret Show unless that podcast is really bad and you'll get me in trouble. So, Secret Show. Secret Show Thursday night. You just got booked on a real show. Congratulations. Cole Castle, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Another bucket pool. Here we go. We're having fun. That was an interesting interview. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Mike Cohen, everybody. Mike Cohen. Mike Cohen.

I think text messaging is ruining people's relationships. Would you agree? My best friend of over 20 years accidentally sent me a screenshot from Pornhub. This was no ordinary porn, people. This was BBC, Big Black Cocks. I text him immediately. I said, "Dude, what the fuck?" He texts me right back. He said, "Oops, sorry, wrong person." I said, "Dude, we've been best friends for 20 years. Who the fuck is the right person?" I got another buddy of mine who accidentally sent his mom a dick pic. She texts him right back, said, "It's nice to know that nothing has changed since you were a baby."

Wow, exactly a minute, jokes throughout.

Saved himself from asking a question from the opening position by continuing the joke quickly. That was great. Thank you. I think texting ruins relationships when you agree, and then boom, you attack before anybody could heckle you, which was a lesson learned earlier in the show from somebody. You didn't leave enough space for people to actually answer your question. I learned that lesson the hard way. That's right. So why does it seem like you just left your wife and kids in the car to do stand-up comedy tonight?

It's the vibe that I'm getting from you is literally like you're in a hurry right now. She's gonna be mad at you. The kids are hungry. You're a Costco guy?

I definitely left them at home, but home's in Atlanta, so. Okay. Have you been on this show before? No, no, no. Okay. No, never. We met in Atlanta after your special taping. Okay. That makes sense. I met people. Yeah. All right. So, Mike, how long have you been doing stand-up? Almost three years. All right. And all of it's in Atlanta? Most of it, yeah. I've done a little bit in Orlando and a couple other places, but nothing crazy. Don't get too many opportunities, so I do it as often as I can. What do you do for a living? I do a lot of things.

I am a brand manager for an automotive paint company. Okay. I run a brand of products for an automotive paint company. Automotive paint. Yep. Earl Scheib? No, no, no, no. A distributor. We sell the paint to the end users, the body shops, collision centers. Earl Scheib doesn't barely exist anymore. Well, I mean, that's what you think, but... Well, yeah. That's Red Band and I exclusively use Earl Scheib. We use the promo code KILLTONY, and we save 20% on our auto body paint.

You know, this is a pretty chill episode of the show. I would say this is like a routine taping, but I will say this has got to be one of our most profitable episodes that we've ever done. Without a doubt. I do believe that's our 10th ad read in the middle of the show. And we've never, literally, we've never used Earl Shy before. They just owe us money now. I wouldn't think so. They're literally not a sponsor, but we will be sending them an invoice soon.

Now's their chance. They can jump on board. Hell yeah. Okay, so Mike, how old are you? 45. 45. What made you start stand-up at 42? Deep depression. What made you depressed?

So I was dealing with some health issues in my life. Obviously, it was in the middle of the pandemic, and I was seeing a doctor. She was helping me with some issues. What were the health issues? Let's talk about it. Well, number one, I was severely overweight. Not that I'm not overweight now, but I was even more so overweight then. I was almost 400 pounds. Right. So I've dropped about 150 pounds. Thank you. That's great. Explain to Red Band how you lost the weight. Do you like pina colada milk? You got to do push-aways. Push away from the table. Okay. Okay.

So keep going. Your health issues were that you were overweight? Yeah, I was overweight, and I was dealing with some pain in my abdomen, and they found that my liver was giving me some issues, and they basically told me that I was in the beginning stages of liver failure. Were you drinking a lot? No, not at all. Just from being super heavy. Non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. Whoops. Whoops.

With good exercise and a decent diet, you can reverse a lot of that stuff. Whoopsies has been called on the field. Unbelievable.

Amazing. So was there something that you were consuming that was affecting your liver? That's so interesting to me, that just normal fat guy liver failure. You know, once I started cutting out carbohydrates and just really focusing on a protein-based diet, like it really cleaned a ton of things up for me. Right. I don't want to be cliche, but listening to different podcasts and crap like that. Right. Learning about carnivore and different things. Rogue. That made it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah, it's okay. Just throw it out there. It's okay. And then you saw Bert Kreischer do stand-up and you were like, I can do that. Yeah. Absolutely. Definitely inspiring there, I guess. Yeah.

No, it was always a dream of mine, and I never really had the balls to pursue it. And when my doctor told me that, you know, my days were numbered, I was like, my wife looked at me, and she supports this. She's 100% behind me. She's like, you got nothing to lose. If you're going to go out, go out doing something you enjoy. So I went all in on it. My wife's amazing. Wow. How cool is she? She's amazing. That's amazing. How many kids do you have? We have two. We have two. Two. How old are they? Two little life suckers.

20 and 15. So I got almost adults. Yeah. You're almost in the clear. Almost. I don't know if we're in the clear or not. One's in college and they are fucking draining me. In what way? Financially. Yeah. You're paying for it. Yeah. College is expensive. Because they go to college and they all of a sudden have a new gender. So you have to get them to be more close. Yeah.

No, thank God. He's not dealing with any of the gender issues. Give us a ballpark. I'm curious. How much does college cost? So right now, I think we're at about $30,000 a year. Jesus Christ. We're two years in, and we got at least three more with him. And the minute he graduates, my daughter goes in. So it's a never-ending life cycle. Why did you push college so much? I did not, actually. Trump.

Trust me. I have zero education right? I'm basically a retard with an ability to paint cars. That's it right No, I actually sat my son down and I said look dude if you're gonna go to college you have to answer two questions One is whatever I'm gonna pursue is it gonna light my soul on fire every day and two is it gonna fix the world's problem of something if you could answer those questions go to school and In that's what his answers

Well, I'm still working on that, but... He chose to go into mechanical engineering, and he's considering a minor in nuclear engineering as well. That's cool. Yeah, no, it's great. Wow. I'm blessed, because both of my kids are absolutely freaking brilliant, and I look at my wife and go, where the fuck did they get it? Right. You know, we're not below average, but we're right at average as far as intelligence goes, you know?

We're just average people, and I've got these two brainiacs for kids. Yeah, amazing. Little nerds. Must skip a generation or something. Mike, what do you like to do for fun other than stand-up comedy? Man, my wife keeps me so busy with bullshit around the house. We...

I like to do whatever the fuck my wife tells me to do. How about that? Amazing. Amazing. We have a small little farm there in South... I don't actually live in Atlanta. I live in a little town called Noonan, Georgia, which is just south of Atlanta. Noonan. Noonan. Yeah. Great little city. Amazing family city. We're not from there. We relocated there from South Florida. Right. But we bought five and a half acres. We've got a bunch of animals. My wife, Jesus Christ, she got into this middle-aged white chicken woman crap now. We still...

We started with eight chickens. We have like 70 chickens now. Wow. Yeah, so she's got like a little small-scale chicken farm going. And we've got a gaggle of dogs, turtles, lizards, you name it. We've got all sorts of shit. Look at that. Yeah, we met a guy earlier that lives in an apartment with all of those. No. Do you still fuck your wife? Well, you know, after 23 years, I get what I call, that'll shut him up pussy. Yeah.

How often does that happen? Oh, you know, as long as it's on her schedule, once every couple weeks. Once every couple weeks? Gotta check the calendar, though, Tony. And, like, so that sounds like hell. Um...

No, it's not. So is she just like, all right, you can fuck me? No, no, no. What happens? Do you come home and she's in weird lingerie or something? How do you know when it's that time? I wish she was listening right now. Maybe it happened when I get home. She definitely will listen to this because you're going to be like, holy shit, babe, I got pulled. Thanks for letting me live my dreams. And that's okay.

You've been honest this far through the interview. It's funny how much she scares the life out of you. Yeah. You literally talk shit about your own children that you love and that you think are brilliant. I say, how do you know when your wife wants to fuck? You're like, well, Tony, I think I got to go. She might watch this.

We want to know. I don't know what it's like to fucking... You know, she'll start to little spoon up to you or whatever. She'll start, you know, trying to... Okay. She'll give you the signs. Backs it up. Yeah, she'll back it up or wake you up. I don't know, one or the other. She wakes you up sometimes in the middle of the night? Yeah, absolutely. Oh my goodness. She spends all days with chickens and then she wants your pecker? Like I said, not often. Okay. Right. Okay. Do you still...

blow loads inside of her? - More so now than ever because she's had a hysterectomy, so it's-- - Oh, hell yeah. - It is risk-free nutting. - The Latina women approve of that. Incredible watching what Mexican women clap for and give thumbs down to in this type of show. They love hot loads, these Mexican women. It's incredible. They take it right down the old Horchata Highway. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing.

Not loads of laundry. Or loads of asphalt. Right. There you go. There you go. Okay. Mike, you have to go back to Atlanta tomorrow?

Technically, yeah. I have a job I have to get back to, but man, I'd love to not have to. That's for damn sure. Well, you do. You do have to get back to your job. This is a big joke book, though. Thank you so much. That's as good as life gets right there for a guy like you. Mike Cohen, ladies and gentlemen. Mike, congratulations. I love it. You're living your dream, dude. Great stuff. Mike Cohen. Thank you.

It's a fun episode. I like it. There's a lot of good lessons, a lot of wild examples, a lot of bombs, a lot of fun. It's kind of emotional. It is. It's more like one of those, like...

you know, real, real standup fans are going to love this episode. I think so too. And there's only one way to end an episode like this. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you hall of famer, the record holder for all time appearances on this show, all time interviews on this show. He's been called a great many names. The Tijuana tarantula, the vanilla gorilla, the Dane from Des Moines,

Redhead Robitussin Revolver from Raleigh. Yes. Carrot Bottom. Yes, Carrot Bottom. He's been called many things. He's a couple weeks out from his appearance on the Olympics where he painted himself blue. It was highly controversial.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show and a full-blown, unbelievable comedian and a great human being. The man needs no introduction, yet his gets longer every week. I present to you the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery!

I'm boycotting the Olympics until they bring back the three-wheeler race! If musical chairs was an Olympic competition, I'd still do steroids. And by the way, anybody talking shit about steroids hasn't felt the rush of feeling your balls shrink in real time! And also I was thinking that dude's kids probably aren't that smart. That guy seemed like a dumbass kind of, I'm sure as fuck, and he was lying about his stupid kids.

I'm thinking about getting the Olympic rings tattooed on my butt. So if you get a chance to see it, you'll be like, oh, you competed in the Olympics. And I'll be like, ask my pimp after you pay him. I remember watching the Summer Olympics as a kid and it'd be wrestling and I'd see the American walkout and I would wonder to myself, where is Hulk Hogan? Does our Olympic committee not watch television?

Okay, that's my time. Thank you. 59 seconds from the golden goat. What did you call me? You called me Kirtabada or what did you say? Carrot Bottom. That's funny. Don't come at me, bitch, with stupid shit like that. You're going to fucking come at me, bitch. What did I tell you about being mean to you? Come at me with some better shit. Okay, cool.

My fucking parents are here, bitch! That's right. Don't make fun of me in front of my fucking parents. It was my dad's birthday yesterday. It was Red Band's birthday yesterday. Your parents are here. Where are they at tonight? Up in the balcony tonight.

Yeah, they're here tonight. They can't make it to Madison Square Gardens, but they're here tonight. It's just garden. It's the garden. It's not plural. It's not actual outdoor gardens, William. It's the most famous arena in the world, which, by the way, takes their reputation very seriously. You cannot make fun of the venue. I haven't gotten a chance to tell you this, but literally, it is a rule.

Not making fun of Madison Square Gardens? You cannot say anything. Well, I hope they fucking try me, dude. I've been in a weird, real fucking mood recently. They better fucking try my ass, dude. They better not. Starting now, you can't make fun of Madison Square Gardens. Madison Square Gardens. Yeah, they can't go to Madison Square. They can't go, so it's really sad. But they came here today, and it's been a lot of fun. Are you guys up there?

Where are they at? Why don't you guys come down here, say hello to this crowd real quick. They're legends of the show. Come on down here.

We'll chat a little bit while they come. You can turn the house lights down. We'll chat with William while they make their way down here. It's a little bit of a trip. So what's been going on, Billy? My eye, Tony. I think I have pink eye really bad or something. My eye has been itching so bad. I've been rubbing it on everything. On the doorknobs. I've been fucking, again, I feel fucking really bad. You've been scratching your eye against doorknob?

Yes, and touching stuff. It does kind of look like you have pink eye now that you mention it. Yeah, no, I do. I'm very sick. I got sick last week after Kill Tony, and I've literally been real sick all week. What are some of your symptoms? Give the people in the front row a chance to understand exactly what your symptoms are. I have something called squirts. It's where...

You get on the toilet, and it's not like a saw thing they come out. It's just like a squirt, and you have to really hold your sphincter. You have to hold it so tight when it starts squirting out of there because if it starts squirting...

Too hard, all the shit comes up on your butt, and it's the squirt stuff gets everywhere on the toilet. But yeah, so you got to be careful about that. But yeah, I've been squirting out of my butt and fucking eating fucking... And by the way, I'm fucking sick of all-brand butts. I'm over that shit. It was making me...

too good, I think. And it's like, it's a nightmare. I'm not doing that. I'm sick of fucking squirting. I'm shit at doodooing. I'm not fucking doing any of it anymore, Tony. Did you have the squirts before the pink eye? Or did you have the pink eye and then got the squirts? You definitely have pink eye, by the way. Yes, I have pink eye really bad. You literally have pink eye right now. I know. The only person that's not going to get it, I do believe, is D-Madness. I don't think he can get it.

Is he immune to pink eye? Oh, yeah. There's no doubt. He can't get pink eye. Right, D? Have you ever had pink eye? No. There you go. Perfect. It's like how, you know. I don't think blind people have eyeballs. Do you have eyeballs? That's an interesting question. I don't know. Yes, they exist. Oh, they exist. He sounds offended. Oh!

Mrs. Montgomery. Mr. Montgomery. Former guest of the show. Legends in the show's history. Come on in. Hello. So good to see you. I've missed you so much. I'm sorry I didn't get to hang out this weekend. Happy belated birthday to you, sir. Absolutely. The great...

Larry and Francis are here. Larry, say some things. This is literally where William, his entire character and everything that he is, he gets from him. All the kids talk like Larry. They all say the same types of things. They have the same delivery. Believe it or not, this is the true Montgomery that started it all. Larry, how's it going? It's going well, thank you. Thank you.

I was walking down the aisle and I heard my son talking about doo-doo. Yeah. Which he does a lot. Yeah. I got, for my 68th birthday, I got some knuckle tattoos too. Yeah? What do yours say? It says my knee hurts and I gotta go TT. That is incredible. I've already TT'd four times during this show. Amazing.

But this seriously has been one of the best shows in a long time. Oh, you love it. Seriously. Yeah. No, the bucket pulls have all been great and you've done wonderfully. Yeah. Well, your son just called me a bitch, so you can't fix that now. I apologize. Yeah. So, Larry, did you do anything special for your birthday or anything? We went out to dinner and on this visit, William...

He's 30, what are you, 38? 37 now. Whatever. He's however old he is. He has bought our dinner three nights in a row. Wow. First time in 37 years, Tony. Things are looking up. And I swear I'm going to be nice at Madison Square Gardens. I swear I'm going to be sweet about that. William is a notorious miser behind the scenes. Very, very thrifty.

ridiculously to an unbelievable extreme. And today was a fun day for me in the stock market. I lost $60,000 in the stock market today. So I really got to be frugal now. Oh, my God. A little scary. I'm not kidding. He's going to be sending... I'm really not. He's going to be sending you some invoices for those dinners, it sounds like. Yeah, yeah.

I'm glad I got those in. Yeah. So you guys can't make it to Madison Square Garden, huh? What's going on? What in the world could possibly be bigger than watching your son, one of the biggest stars in the history of the show, perform at the most... I agree. Yeah. What's going on, Larry? I've got to work for a living. You've got to work on Friday and Saturday nights this week? Miss Montgomery, I'll be your date. Whoa.

Don't fucking get anywhere near my mom, Red Band! Seriously, don't get anywhere fucking near her. You look as nasty as ever over there. You fucking... God! It's so funny to watch a guy with a completely inflamed eye tell you you look nastier than ever. Yeah. Your eye is fucked, dude. Yeah. You have an inflamed eye? Yes. Well, get the fuck away from me. Yeah.

Absolutely incredible. Oh, my God. They still got it. For those of you that haven't watched the episode where the Montgomery's are the guests, I implore you to go rewatch it. I mean, you guys are just absolute natural. It was such a heartfelt homecoming.

home-like episode. It just felt like a kill Tony at a Christmas dinner or something like that. What do you think about that episode, William? I loved it. Oh my gosh, it was one of my favorites. I was very nervous before my mom stopped eating for a couple days before that and that had me nervous. She was so nervous to get on here and she stopped eating for days before and it was scaring me. Huh? What did you say? Francis, what did you say? He's making the stuff up.

Are you making stuff up about your mom? No. It was like a week or something you didn't eat before. Larry, is your household just always silly and wild and filled with humor? We've met the great Selden, who's made a huge impact here in Austin, Texas. The boy is wild. He is an amped up version of William from back in his, you know, kind of like...

Yeah. Oh, yeah. But he also kind of like, it seems like he's learned lessons from Big Brother over here. Have you helped Selden in any way since he's moved here to Austin, Texas? Yeah, we go eat over at his house. We hang out a good amount. And I do want to say to any, if there's any parents out there or whatever, they were totally, they were the most strict with me and cut back to when I was in high school. I was railing lines of Xanax. I was fucking...

drinking so much Evan Williams whiskey and I wasn't allowed to spend the night out. And that was all on y'all. The other brothers were allowed to spend the night out. I wasn't allowed to spend the night out. So I'd have to rip lines of Xanax and drink fucking Evan Williams and fucking drive back. Was there things that you learned that you changed after you raised William for the other kids? That's actually a good question. Well, first of all, everything he just said is bullshit. Ha ha ha!

I remember that one night. Remember the one night it was after I killed Tony in L.A. and I was calling people. It's when I was really lonely and I was calling people on the phone. I would talk to people until 6 a.m. and I called that one guy and I told him I was in the underwater cavern system and then I get a phone call from one of y'all cell phones and it's the woman police officer on the other end. And I...

It is a true story. And Papa, it killed me. I remember you asking me if I was on mushrooms or something, and I was just railing lines of cocaine at that moment. I was just doing... But it was sweet. You asked if I was on mushrooms. But no, I was on... Well, Francis called me on the phone and said, the police are at our house, and it's something about William.

And I'm driving home from work thinking, oh shit, he's dead. Where are we going to park the U-Haul in LA? The street parking was horrible where I was living in Hollywood. It really was. It was horrible street parking. Oh my God. I'm ashamed, but that was my first thought. What?

And then we got home and the police said, and this is true, we got a call from the L.A. police and someone has reported that your son is trapped in a cave. Get on to the sink! Get on to the sink!

Wait, say that into the mic. What, Frances? Here, here. This is what happened. Yeah. This is going to take 30 minutes. It's good. It's good. Take your time. Right into the tip of the mic. I'm at my garden club thing. Was it a Madison Square Garden? I'm teaching people how to propagate begonias. Propagate begonias? My neighbors call me and say...

there are all these police cars in front of your house. And like, I can't breathe. I leave my propagation workshop and I'm calling Larry on the phone saying, I literally couldn't breathe. I'm hysterical. And I said, I know he's dead. And all

neighbors are gawking at us and like it was a nightmare it was a total nightmare and I round the corner and the policemen say to me he is in this underground cave and I said he is a freaking comedian and I was relieved because I knew it was no longer true it was all a lie

William, what made people think that you were in an underground cave? I called this guy on my phone and it was somebody else. I still to this day do not know who the person was I talked to and I was just telling him that I was trapped in this underwater cavern system in an air bubble and to please get somebody in to help me, I'm running out of air.

I'd get all coked up and call these people and like prank phone call everybody. It was fun. Yeah, this guy really believed me. I guess I was convincing. And I was thinking, you idiot, how would a cell phone work in a fucking underwater air bubble? You idiot. Why did you call the fucking police?

You dumbass! It was horrible. It really was horrible. Wow. You interrupted your mother propagating Patagonias. Oh, the teacher's awake again. Look at this bitch. You want some more, you piece of shit? You're a mom too. I bet you are. I bet your kids fucking hate you. Special needs?

Oh my god, you're actually offended. Look at you. You're looking for something to get mad at. She doesn't have her period. You're just like this all the time. You teach first period.

Second period, she says. Wow. Incredible. God, and your husband's so embarrassed behind your fucking ass. He is so embarrassed right now. He really is. It is incredible. You can tell he's a fan of the show. She's like, I want to come too. I can laugh. I have a good sense of humor.

This guy just wanted to hang out with his homie, right? That's your buddy with the sunglasses? Yup. Yeah, you guys are homies. The ladies wanted to come too. This one handles it very well. She's been having a blast. She's cracking up right now doing the "oh, don't point me out" thing, blocking off the energy of fucking gobbledygook over here.

This lady's been a real bitch the whole episode. I'm just trying to catch up the Montgomery's to what's going on. Look at her. Well, I mean, what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before? The Montgomery's are a part of the DNA, the legacy of this show. The only parents to ever be guests on this show other than my own mother.

Joy Hinchcliffe, you're the only other two. Your son's in the Hall of Fame of Kill Tony. He's a fucking theater act now. He's selling out everywhere he goes. He's adding shows. He's making vast sums of money, and he's performing twice, two different sets at the most famous arenas in the world this weekend. Madison Square Gardens! That's William Montgomery. Thank you.

That's Larry Montgomery. And that's Francis Montgomery. Make some noise for the Montgomery's. Make some noise for the great Whitney Cummings, ladies and gentlemen. Whitney, plug something. Talk about your podcast or your tour dates or something. I have a much less popular podcast.

And I'm going to be performing in Austin. Cam's going to be with me, I guess, now on September 6th. I'll be at Austin City Limits. September 6th, ACL Live. Oh, that's a great theater. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's amazing. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in of tonight's episode, The Great Whitney Cummings. And thank you, HelloFresh. Thank you, Squarespace. One more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody. Grooveline Horns.

Joining us today, everybody's going to be at MSG. The great Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muehling, D-Madness, and John Dees, who's been a true, unbelievable leader of this band since our first episode ever in Austin, Texas. The man, the myth, the legend. Feels like just yesterday, I remember meeting you.

He had full-blown COVID, and we had a meeting, and he didn't delay it or cancel it. We sat right next to each other, and I realized later that he had COVID. Feels like just yesterday. We love you guys. You guys have fun tonight? We love you. God bless America. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.