#676 - SAM MORRIL - CHAD DANIELS
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. It's Clay! It's Clay!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Yippee-doo-dah, motherfucking day! You made it. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Ooh-la-la, you're here. The number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony brought to you by Game Time and Zipper Gruder. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo. They are the Grooveline Horns. They are here live in the flesh. How about a hand for the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed the great and powerful Dee Madness on the bass guitar.

Live in the flesh. A whole lot to get to tonight. Very exciting stuff. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. ♪

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Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more. That's BetterHelp.com. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on the show. These two guys literally have the two newest specials out right now. The newest special on Amazon, the newest special on Netflix. Make some noise for two of the best in the world, Sam Morrell and Chad Daniels. Yes! Yes!

Another seat. Sam. Chad. We're here. Mama, we made it. Sam's been on this show before. You've changed on Amazon Prime. You haven't? No, this is my first time. Really? We tried to make it work a million times. It never worked. That's right. You always had to reschedule or something crazy happened. Well, welcome, Sam. I'm a fucking cunt. That get me on the bed? He's like, this guy's difficult. We finally got big enough for you to grace us with your presence.

You've changed on Amazon Prime, out now. Welcome another first-time guest, Chad Daniels, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. The newest special on Netflix, Empty Nester, out now. Two of the most respected comedians in the game. Brand new, Kill Tony, Blood. So let me explain to you guys how it works. Over 250 comedians signed up for the chance, hoping...

praying that they get a minute on this stage. Some of them inside the room, most of them at a bar across the street. If I pull their name out, we send a wrangler to go grab them from across the street. They drag them backstage, take the guns and knives out of their pockets, and then they come up, get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Which interrupts them. And then I interview them and we have a bunch of fun. We figure out other things about them that make them interesting and what could possibly be funny about them.

People can have a huge career off of having a single great minute and interview on this show. But for the most part, people are retarded and get embarrassed. And their hopes and dreams come crumbling down because they didn't do enough preparation and they got in their heads behind the curtain listening to other people getting laughs and thinking, "I don't think I can do that. I fucked up."

then they panic and they fuck up in front of everybody and it's amazing and organic and improvised and anything can happen. You guys ready to start the show?

Well, I pull the name out of the bucket. They grab them from across the street. And in the meanwhile, we have one of our unbelievable golden ticket winners here rotating in to the opening regular position to start the show. You know him, you love him. He's a freak of nature. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first comedian tonight, the great Martin Phillips.

Hey, what's up? Hey, cool, okay. Like he said, my name is Martin. You recognize me from my TV show, Martin. As you can see, a lot has changed over the years, but I can still say the N-word.

That's a joke. That's a joke. Just clarify. Anyway, when I was in college, I took a class called the Vietnam War, and there was a little guy in the class who served in Vietnam. And I was like, damn, talk about an easy A. Like...

I wasn't aware of this extra credit opportunity, you know? It was like serving a war and I had to take a basketball. I wasn't paying attention that day. Okay, cool.

Cool. Okay, one more quick one. Do you think, you know, if you say Jesus during Saturday looks down and goes, nice. Cool, okay. Fuck yeah. Martin Phillips always hits. Always. Another super strong minute. Chad, this is your first time seeing Martin, right? It is.

Same. Same. Taking it in baby. It's a lot to take in. That was great. I loved your show. Thanks. Okay. He has cerebral palsy. It's not an act. Uh,

He's trying to hide it tonight. A lot of hands in his pocket. Yeah, yeah. Trying to pretend. I'm not even, like, chilled. It's probably weirder to hide it. You might as well just fucking let it rip so that it doesn't look like you're hiding something. I'm not even relaxed. I'm not even relaxed. I'm not a fucking silly heart guy. Holy shit, look at him go. He's like one of those car dealership things. I just said that. I just said that.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay. You're trying to okay your way out of this situation. That's my go-to. I'm just like, cool. I love it. I love it. Hands back in the pocket. It's a chill, relaxed look. You're the most unrelaxed guy with hands in pockets I've ever seen. I'm trying to be relaxed. I just realized it's really hard to look relaxed with your condition. That's got to be tough. Yeah.

Something we can do about that. Yeah, I guess. Sorry. Okay, what about my hands behind the back? Oh, that's actually... I like doing this. Although it looks like I'm being like, I'm like tied up or something. You got creepy pants. Hostage up here. Yeah.

We love you, Martin. How's life been going? Oh, it's good. It's cool. You know, all good. Been traveling around for shows. Yeah. Been in Florida. Hot as shit. Phoenix. Hot as shit. I want to go somewhere cold. Yeah. Does the heat affect your condition at all? No, it just sucks. It's just hot, you know. I don't think it does. Chad?

You were driving around to shows? Okay, first of all, first of all, go fuck yourself. I fucking hate, no. That's such a, anyone who says that is a fucking piece of shit. That's just like,

Dude, it's 2024. We have self-driving cars. I can't drive a car. Who the fuck is pressing the buttons on your self-driving car? I'm just saying, it's not that big. It's not that monumental that I can drive. However, I will say, if I have another license, a pilot license, or a motorcycle, then that would be pretty...

I get that part. I think a car is okay. I gotta say a car is still fucking concerning. Okay, okay. You wanna take a ride, buddy? Listen. I'm fucking...

I don't want to fight you. I like you. I just asked a fucking yes or no question. I think it's like a lame-ass question when people ask that. It's a lame question to ask you if you drive a fucking car? Yeah! They're assuming I can't because I'm crippled. That's why I'm crippled!

Yeah, but that's like very, yeah, that's like very condescending. I don't, it was a real question. Yeah, it's kind of like you, it's like certain etiquette, you wouldn't go up to people and be like, oh, you know, you'd climb stairs. It's like, do you climb stairs? Yeah, yeah, I climb stairs. I, I,

I can do so much shit, like... To be fair, I didn't walk up to you on the street and go, hey man, do you drive cars? You fucking said, I was driving around a show. Which means I drive a car. Like,

I didn't drive a car. I would say somebody was driving. I just don't think it's that big of a deal. I'm getting heated tonight. Yeah, you are. You're fired up. I like this. I just think, I don't know, you shouldn't. I don't think it's that big of a deal. Well, I have good news for you. You just won a brand new Harley Davidson. Yeah, I don't know.

One of the great people at Harley-Davidson. You have a motorcycle now. It is not self-driving, but because you had such a fucking attitude about how good of a driver you are, you're going to have to figure it out, Mr. Able-bodied guy.

That's a different vehicle. It's not the same as a car. Also, does it have training wheels? Because I'm for it. I can't balance. They should make motorcycles with training wheels. They do. They do? Oh, they do.

Really? Do you have one? Is that what you have? No, no. But you've seen the ones with the wheels on the side. It's almost like two wheels in the back and a wheel in the front. They call them vectors or vipers. Have you ever thought about that? Yeah, I've seen those. I have thought about that, actually. Have you ever thought about just riding dirty out there in an electric tricycle or something? Yeah. Well, then we'll see how good of a driver I am with that. Then you can ask that. We will, if you want.

We will ask that at your funeral for sure. We will always go, I wonder what would have happened. Get in the eulogy. At your funeral, Jesus is going to look down and be like, cool. Martin, you're a monster. We fucking love you. You did it again. You started the show with a huge boom. The great Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. He's the man.

And it has begun. Into the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. This is where shit gets wild. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for your first bucket pool of the night. Jack Horner, everybody. Here we go. Oh, shit. It's another one. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You beautiful fucks! You beautiful fucks! Make some noise! You guys ready for a good time? Yeah, come on! Yeah! Oh man, who's partying tonight? Who likes drugs? Yeah, drugs! Yeah! My favorite drug is cocaine because it makes me psychic. Yeah! Like, I had a premonition the other day that three days from now I'm going to lose my job. If you laughed at that joke, that means you've done cocaine. How do I know? Because I'm psychic.

Oh man, guys, I was joking about that, but I have been to prison. I've been to the big house. The hard part about being incarcerated was explaining to everyone that the teardrop tattoos were actually semen drops. No, guys, I'm sorry. That was a little cringe. I'm going through a hard time right now. I just got out of a long-term relationship. It was with my cellmate, Larry. We broke up because I was always the little spoon. The big spoon was America's opiate epidemic.

Fuck, man. This crowd. What's up? Not a party crowd tonight. What the fuck? What the fuck's going on? Anyway. No. Okay. Okay. Wow. Okay. Hi, Sam Morrell. Oh, okay. Straight to your own hello there. All right. Yeah. What was wrong with... Did I do something wrong? No, you were fine. Is it my posture? You did a cute little opioid spoon thing there at the end. You turned on the audience very quickly. Yeah.

Well, it's hard for me to turn, Tony. You know that. Oh, yeah. What is your condition again? Did we just have two cerebral palsy people in a room? Yeah. Oh, is he also a palsy? Yeah. Are you going to try to have us fight to the death? What? Are we going to fight to the death? We can fight me and Martin. Not you and me. What the fuck, man? Come on. That would be funny, right?

We fought to the death. I think this guy's got to stop doing cocaine. He's got too much confidence. No, no. Cocaine forever, man. Yeah, forever 27. Chad, I'm going to let you go ahead and ask him if he drives. No, not only do I drive, I volunteer to drive my friends if they're drunk because it's like the same experience, basically. It's like a drunk driving simulation. All the fun, no risks. Wow. Wow.

- All right. - I have really high insurance. - What kind of car do you have? - So it's a Honda Insight Hybrid. Electric. I care about the environment. - Okay, all right. Jack, are you on drugs tonight? - No, actually, I just pounded a Red Bull and I'm really nervous. - Okay. - I'm scared, man. My dick is like, my dick and balls are like shrinking back into my body. I'm nervous.

Can't even imagine. I actually trimmed my pubes for this, too. Did you? Yeah. Are you planning something else we don't know about? Well, no. Hopefully, now that I'm on the fucking show, yeah. It's party, ladies. All right. Stop trying to make your own little moments. Yeah, I don't think this set's going to get you laid, buddy. Oh, no. Really? Come on. I mean, if anything is, even pity, come on. What about freshly trimmed pubes? Does that not give me any credit?

I don't think it gives you credit when you start with, I did cocaine long enough to get fired and I've been to prison. Oh, yeah. No one's going to fuck you. I thought that makes me a tough guy. No. No, not if I did blowjobs in prison. That was the point of that joke. Did you? Well, right, because if you do a teardrop tattoo, it means you've killed people. So if it's semen drops, that means you've sucked dick. No, we got the joke. I'm asking if you really did it. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Not at all.

I'm a fraud. Explain the opioid spoon one. No, I'm kidding. So what did you go to jail for? Oh, I mean, I did go to jail. I got arrested once, but they let me go. Okay. Yeah, I've been arrested twice. For what? Well, so one time I was smoking weed in this vacant parking lot, and I thought it was cool, you know? But it's right by the highway, and it's a parking lot for a small business. Okay.

So yeah, they just fucking arrested me. But, but, here's the cool thing. They let me keep my weed, right? Like, it was still there, like, whenever I got back. They didn't, like, take it. But I got arrested, yeah, right? Cool. How about the other time you were arrested? What was that for? Drunk driving. Oh, there you go. Yeah. When you got pulled over, did you tell the cop about your freshly trimmed pubes? Yeah. Yeah, I always do, you know. Actually, I just showed him, you know. Show, don't tell. That's the key. Okay, Jack. Okay.

What else is going on in life? What's really happening, Jack? I am unemployed. I'm not really helping out with the job search right now, I don't think. What was the last job that you had? I'm not making this up. I was a door-to-door salesman. You were a door-to-door salesman? Yeah, for Spectrum. Yeah, for Internet.

Oh, in the spectrum? Yeah. So that, no, that's a pitch. No, that works. It's like I'm on the spectrum. And speaking of spectrum, have you guys ever tried some lightning fast internet?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, man. So how's comedy been going? What have you been doing with your career? Good. I did two shows this last month. This last week, I was kind of lazy. I only did three mics, which I feel kind of bad about, but one of them was 15 minutes. No, way better. I should be famous, Tony. Come on. Famous. No. No. No, you're right. Yeah. No.

You have the ailments to be famous, but you have to follow through with the written material. Yeah, I feel like instead of a Patreon, I should have a 1-900 number or something like that. 1-800 number. You can just donate. I don't think you should chug Red Bulls before going on stage anymore. I think it affects your execution of everything. You've actually been on a few times. This is definitely the worst. Oh, wow. Yeah, every other time you've been on has been better. Yeah.

I mean, like, I'm the first one to go up, though. Is that not part of it? No, no, no. There was literally a guy with your disease on before you crushing. That, no, but that counts against me a little bit, right? Like, if there had been nobody else with CP, I would have been, like, the first guy. We literally have five more people with CP coming on right now. Oh, wow. Okay. He was more palsy than you, and he was far more cerebral as well. Oh, wow. All right. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

Fair enough. It is a full CP episode tonight. CP, either they have cerebral palsy or it's colored people. That's all we have throughout the entire show. CP, kill Tony.

Or if he has to guess child pornography. We also have one cockapoo who's going to do 60 seconds tonight on the CP episode. Jack, you already have a big joke book? I do. And you have a little joke book? I don't have a little joke book. You don't? Well, guess what? Tonight's your lucky night. Oh, thank you. There you go. Andy misses the catch. That Red Bull, I'm telling you, there are negative effects to Red Bull, everybody. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Yeah, I shouldn't have done that. You're all right, Jack. We'll do it again. Jack, we love you. We'll see you around town. There he goes. Jack Horner, everybody. I'll tell you...

It's weird for me when I'm walking around downtown and stuff and I run into guys like that after an appearance like that. Then they give me these excuses and stuff like, man, I wish I would have done better. It's like, yeah, you will, dude. Like Red Bull, too. That's not an excuse. Yeah, Red Bull's a rough excuse.

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Okay, pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. Make some noise for Shiba Eni. Shiba Ari. Here we go. Hey. So I have cerebral palsies. No, no, I'm kidding. I date a lot of white women. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty cool. I mainly do it because I think that's like the closest to free healthcare I'm ever going to get.

I mean, they're not buying me healthcare or anything. I just get to try out a lot of pills. Be like, bloop, hopefully I don't have depression. Bloop, hopefully I don't have anxiety. Bloop, hopefully I'm not pregnant. All right. Yeah, I've actually dated so many white women, I actually have a white girl's name tattooed on my hand. Yeah. And I usually date women a generation younger, but not because I'm a creep. They're just the only generation that can't read cursive, so...

Actually, I got this tattoo of my ex-fiance. I got this tattoo of my ex-fiance on my hand because actually, my ex-fiance actually died in my hands. But that's what happens when you choke a bitch. There you go. Shiver.

Ari? Am I saying that? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Shiva Ari. Yes, sir. Shiva Ari. Shiva. Yeah. Shiva what? Ari. Okay, no, I'm kidding. Welcome, Shiva. You've been on this show before, correct? Yeah, the New Year's show. Yeah, a lot lighter audience from the New Year's show. Lighter audience? Yeah, there was like 4,000 people on that one, I think. How did that go?

It was good, and I also got booed. That happened. What did you say that got you booed? I played guitar. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. That's right. Yeah.

Yeah. So let's talk about it. If it was a sitar, I would have done better. That's what I think. Yeah. Well, if it was a shit tar, you would have nailed it. Yeah. Yeah. What I understand. You're getting booed in an arena must suck. Yeah. It was fun. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Hell yeah.

All right. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Nine years. Nine years. Where at? Mainly Dallas. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And you live here now? Yeah. Yeah. I started working at Vulcan down the street, two shows there, and yeah.

Awesome. Pretty awesome. Yeah. Awesome. How long have you been in Austin? Like two months. Yeah, I was living out of my car at the arena show. And then, yeah, now things are... Look at you now. What's your living situation like now? I live with Jolly, David Jolly. Oh, wow. What a wild house that must be. Yeah, I prefer the car. But yeah.

Unbelievable. So it's just you and David Jolly? Yeah. And his son or something. I don't know. I don't know. His partner. We don't ask. We don't ask. Yeah. Yes. The old David Jolly is gay reference by Red Band. So stupid. Okay. And you don't know who the third guy is in your place where you live?

No, not really. I'll just keep the interview moving along. Yeah. I guess that's normal. I guess you guys are redoing a half-baked episode or something like that. It feels like that, yeah. It's definitely like I'm pretty sure nobody's on the lease. What ethnicity are you exactly? I'm Indian. You're Indian? Yeah, from India. You're a pretty thick Indian. Thank you. Thank you. You're not eating the street food anymore, huh? Yeah, the goop soup? Yeah. Yeah.

You're the one that came up with that. I don't know if I can come up with that. Sam, what do you think about this guy? Felipe Esparza? Yeah. I think... I like that joking joke you finished strong. Thanks. Yeah, that was right at the buzzer. The cat probably helped me out more than the joke itself. Yeah. The anticipation. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I think you build a nice little violence against women chunk. You really made something go in there. Yeah.

I don't know. What do you think, Chad? I think, what happened to your fiance? We just broke up. Yeah, yeah. So she didn't die? No, not at all. Not at all. Well, what the fuck is going on in here? I keep getting lied to by these guys. Everybody's lying tonight.

Okay. Why did she break up with you? Because you got booed when you played guitar? Yes. Yeah, now. I mean, this was like almost 10 years ago. We were drug addicts together, so... What drugs were you on? Heroin. That was my... Yeah. It was... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You were pretty fat for heroin, I gotta say. Yeah.

I'm not on it anymore. Yeah. Like, I miss that part. I'll lose the weight when I get the heroin. Yeah. He uses the spoon for ice cream when he's done with it. That hot spoon slices right through. He's not, yeah, I do burn it just to cut right through. I kind of torch the bottom. Yeah. Absolutely. Wow.

So tell us about some of your heroin experiences. Enough of this boring, made-up bullshit you're talking about. Let's talk about the real fucking... I was sleeping a lot. Yeah. How did you start? I'm always so interested in how one starts heroin. Just one fucking wacky night where you're like, God, we're out of weed and beer. Fucking let's...

Let's go to the mountaintop. Sure. Sure. How does it happen? Tell us about the start. Well, I mean, if you want to go way back, you know, the D.A.R.E. program lying about weed, where then, you know, I started experimenting with weed in, like, you know, the 2000s when it was still bad. And then, you know, when they lied about that, I was like, they must have lied about everything else. They didn't lie about heroin. They didn't...

They didn't lie about that one. They were right about that one, but yeah. That's the shit you should open with right there. That's the real shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Thanks. So explain to me, though, like where do you buy it? How does it go? Did you have a friend that was doing it? You know, the drag right up here on the,

No, I'm not asking the exact location where you bought it. I'm not interested in getting something. If you want, dude, we can. But I'm curious, your first time, how does that go down? Well, again, like I was experimenting with drugs, and then eventually you just get to that. You went from weed to fucking heroin? No, no, like weed, then coke, and then ecstasy, and then eventually you just try a couple Percocets or Oxycontin, and then yeah. Wow.

Yeah. And how long were you hooked on heroin? Oh, like fucking eight, ten years off and on. Some of the stand-up, there was a little bit of an overlap, too. So, yeah. Comedy is actually what kind of got me off heroin a little bit. Wow. Damn. Yeah.

Did you shoot it up? I mean, I'm an alcoholic now, so it's not like... It's not like... Did you shoot it up or... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was heavy. I had to go through drug court here in Austin. What do you think? You did rub on heroin? No, people could do heroin different ways. You can smoke it. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Comedy got you off heroin. Prepare to have less money on comedy. It went from putting you to sleep. Now you put them to sleep. Nice, nice.

It was a lateral move, you know, comedy and doing drugs because now instead of going looking for like a 10-sack, I'm looking for just a 10-minute spot, you know, so bookers or dealers. How's playing guitar going? Did you focus more on guitar?

- No. - System of a brown. - All right, what kind of joke book did you get on New Year's? - The big one. - Okay, there you go. You're doing good. There he goes. - Thank you. - Shiva Ari, ladies and gentlemen. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. This is indeed Chris Howard, everybody. Make some noise for Chris. Chris Howard. - How we doing, man? We good?

We good? Make some noise if you got a boss. Where my employees at? Make some noise. Just a little bit, not so much up here. People in the back. Here's the deal, I feel like no matter what you do, you don't get paid enough for it. Right? You feel me? When I was younger, I was a barista and there's something I learned when you work for somebody and you don't get paid a lot. There's a deal you make between you and the company you work for. You know this deal. You don't pay me shit and I fuck around. That's our deal.

That's her deal. When I was a barista, I only made drinks based off the way they were named. I remember one dude came up, he was like, "Hey man, let me get flat white." I didn't even know he was talking about coffee. I just got Rebecca out the back. I said, "This is the only flat white we got." And that was me as a barista, just fucking around. Next dude, let me get a small Vietnamese. She's not in today, next person. That's my time, man. Y'all be cool. That's all I got. I appreciate you. Oh shit.

Chris Howard, welcome to the show. Incredible. I thought you were Megan Rapahoe for a second when you got up here. You are one of the funniest Little League female soccer players we've ever had on this show. Unbelievable. It's so great that you could take a break from rooting for Caitlin Clark to be here tonight. Thank you.

Absolutely amazing. If you would have been able to climb a ladder, it probably would have been you taking shots at Trump this weekend. You look like a bitchy girl. Chad Daniels. You know what? I loved you in Salt Burn. I thought you were really good. I think every time you enter a room, you should go, by order of the many peaky fucking blinders.

It is incredible. So let's jump right into it, Chris. This is your first time on the show. I would definitely remember you if you've been on before.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Since I was 18. How old are you now? 24. 24 years old. And you started at 16. 18. 18. So you've been doing it six years. How's it going for you? It's cool. It's cool. I do a lot of shows by the university and stuff. So it's cool. You do a lot of shows at what? By the university. By the university. Texas? Yeah. Okay. You live here in Austin. Yes. Born and raised here? Yes.

Well, I mean, you weren't really raised, it seems. You're kind of just born. You didn't raise that much. A little baby sound. How tall are you so that people just listening to the podcast can fathom what we're dealing with here? Cover your ears. 5'2". 5'2". I love it. What does it say on your dating profile? 5'2". I'm honest. Okay. Honest guy. I like it. And how much do you weigh?

I feel like I could throw you up in the balcony in the back right now. Tony, guess, guess. I want to hear your guess. I'm going to guess 103. 94. 103? 130. 130? Oh, shit. You got a lot of fucking earrings and jewelry on right here. Unbelievable stuff. This is absolutely incredible. So what do you do for work?

I work in leasing and marketing. Leasing and marketing. What are you doing exactly? Like houses? Tiny little houses? Little sheds. All right, well, what we got here is a little door for a little place. You're going to love it. Rents very low, just like me. What are you doing? What kind of leasing are we talking about? Yeah, it's student apartments. Okay. So you work near the university. Everything you do is university-based. Yeah.

And you're mixing in with those college girls that probably think you're one of them. You're just dyking out with a bunch of liberal college students. You look like you would eat pussy off of a soft-serve cone. What's your love life like, Chris? I have a girl. What? I have a girl. You have a girl? I do have a girl. Okay. And you guys live together? We do. Okay. You guys sleep in the same criblet? Yeah.

You ain't going anywhere, bitch. Yo, is that a lullaby? Yeah, dude. You got a marionette?

Is that what that is? What's the thing that's... What makes you fall asleep at night, Chris? I have a starlight projector. I love it. Absolutely adorable. There we go. There we go. That's the type of shit I think you should be talking about. Do you have material that's self-deprecating about your stature and stuff? Six years in the game, I mean... By the way, do we have that scale?

Yoni, do we have a scale? Let's grab that scale. I'm not buying 130. How many of you think he weighs 130 or above? How many of you think he weighs less than 130? All right, here we go. Bring out the scale. Bring out the scale. Let's fucking go. They got to dig for it. They weren't ready for this. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Heidi.

The scale of justice has arrived. Kick off those Adidas's. I know you got lead in those motherfuckers. Here they come. He's taking off. Oh shit. He's 4'11" without the shoes on. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, stepping on the scale. Oh, here we go. The magic's about to happen. He's trying to gain weight with oxygen right now. He's trying to fucking blow himself up. This is unbelievable.

Ladies and gentlemen, so we get it for the podcast. 114 pounds, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. Oh, I got video. You sent us a video. I fucked up. Wow. Oh my God. You got fucking busted, bro. We should have been weighing you on a deli scale. That's fucking...

Even D Madness is like, "That motherfucker ain't 130. I can feel him breathing, he ain't 130." How about a hand for the great Heidi, everybody? Towering, absolutely towering over Chris Howard. I love it. Chris, you have a great sense of humor. You're laughing around all these jokes and everything. What do you think made you get into comedy?

So I used to do theater when I was 11. Yeah. When you were what? 11. Okay. And then... How tall were you when you were 11? I was two foot five. I was... Yeah, and then I saw one of Kevin Hart's specials, and that kind of represented my energy a little bit more. I love that. Would you say that physically you look up to Kevin Hart? No.

What about Jeff Dunham's puppets? Identify as a puppet, perhaps. You're like, I could do this. Look at that puppet on that guy's knee. I could do this. That's adorable. It's the sound of him getting squozen by his girlfriend. There it is. Squozen. The fuck am I talking about up here?

Okay, so where'd you meet your girl? What playground were you guys at exactly? Twitter. Okay, Twitter. Okay, and she slid into your messages or you slid into hers? I slid into hers. Okay, and what'd you say? Did you slide or did you walk in your full height? I for sure baby crawled. I for sure did. Yeah. No, I said Tinder, not Tinder, Twitter question of the day. Uh-huh.

Do you have a man's? If not, would you like one? You said man's. I did. You pluralized it and everything like that. Man, I thought squozin' was retarded. You're like vanilla ice cube. It is incredible. What are some more adorable small guy things about you that we don't know about? Do you drive a car? No.

You said do I drive a car? Yeah. I sold it for a scooter. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I really did, yeah. That makes sense. Well, Chris, I gotta tell ya, it was a good set, but I mean, you are getting the joke book that, I mean, is absolutely fitting.

Much like your jersey that set was kind of messy. There you go, my friend. - Appreciate it. - But I'll tell you what, you're a hell of a man. There he goes, Chris Howard, everybody. - Thank you guys, y'all have a good night. - Come back, Chris. Keep signing up. We want to see another minute.

We do have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Golden ticket winner from many years ago making a return here tonight. Make some noise for one of our adorable favorites, the powerful Enrique Chacon. What's up, y'all? I'm not disabled. I'm just illegal, bro. How we doing? How we doing? Fuck yeah. I think the US has an immigration problem and it's an illegal alien. If I have to say that out loud, I think Joe Biden is fucking up.

You know, there's 15,000 migrants at the border every single day. Well, actually, it's more like 14,999 since I'm here right now. And you know, every time I go to the border, I bring my identification, but I'm not really legal yet, so it's just a Uno reverse card, you know, just in case.

And if you didn't know, man, Texas has no funding for the border. So they're using whatever they have, man. They're literally securing the border with those steel shipping containers. You know, the ones that douchebag white dudes make tiny houses on TikTok. And it's crazy. They got barbed wire fences, razor blades, those big red balls from the show Wipeout. I'm talking about if you want to cross the border nowadays, bro, you can't just want to be an American, bitch. You got to be an American Ninja Warrior, dog.

Anyways, that's been my time, bro. Thank you. Exactly one minute from Enrique Chacon. What's up, yo? Hell yeah. You're the only guy that fucking sweats bullets after 55 seconds. It's incredible. I'm also 130 pounds, by the way. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Super believable.

I love it. Fuck yeah, dude. Enrique, strong minute. Very good. But you're what? A second generation? First generation, bro. First generation. I got here during 9-11, bro, and I barely spoke English. And I didn't know what the fuck was going on, bro. But all these white people were crying around me, man. So I felt it too, I guess. I'm just crying Spanish, I guess.

What does that mean you got here during 9-11? What did you do? Would you jump out of one of the planes? It was like a week before it happened. My family finally migrated. Thank God, right?

Dan, you got in just under the fucking wire. You Indiana Jones that shit. Yeah, man. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that is incredible. They were... Yeah, that's fucking wild. Yeah, man. One of the last brown people to make it in. Incredible. What are you wiping your face with? What is that? Literally towels from the restroom, bro. Those are legit brown hand-wiped paper towels you chose to...

Uses a handkerchief here tonight. Yeah, man. Incredible. Yeah, dude. Even the things you wipe yourself with are brown.

Enrique, what's been going on in life? Tell us about it. Pretty good, man. Ever since I quit my job, I'm finally on the road, bro. So I've been making some road money, which has been supplementing the shit that I was doing when I was working at Bucky's, you know? What happened at Bucky's? You resigned from Bucky's? I ran out of PTO, like I said last episode. So I had to fucking dip out, man, because I was missing on a few gigs, bro. And I just didn't feel like I had enough time to write, you know, and really take this shit seriously.

So now I'm in the road, man. I've been, I hit six states already, man. I hit New Jersey, South Carolina, North Carolina, Arizona. I was there with Martin Phillips where I was his caretaker, you know what I'm saying? Walking around with him.

And then also, I just hit Missouri with Hans Kim. So, just been hitting the fucking rounds. He's been destroying lately, Tony. It's been awesome. Yeah, I've been hearing all about it. Enrique's longer sets going really well, which it's incredible. Yeah, I appreciate you. Thank you, man. It's...

It's the dream, bro. It's really the dream. Comedy is the only thing supplementing me, man. Like, I'm not going to lie, bro. June was a little rough with the money, dude. So I was eating a bunch of peanut butter sandwiches, you know? So when you say you were eating peanut butter sandwiches, how many exactly did you eat? Literally a whole bread loaf a day, you know what I mean? A whole loaf a day. Keep the sugar level up. All right.

Absolutely. What else do you do to sustain your incredible weight? We can give some good advice to Chris Howard. You wake up early, you hit the Chinese buffet, right? So you can get some breakfast and lunch, dude. You just sit down at that motherfucker, bro. Dude, I drink some of my goat's milk, bro. I have a few goats. I milk them bitches, dude. You have real goats? Yeah, I have some real ass goats, bro, at home, man. Wow. So I DIY some goat cheese, bro. I'll be selling some in the lobby after this if y'all want to buy some.

Hey, I'm trying to supplement some money, dude. My dead comics were showing CDs after the show. This is fucking... Comedy's going great. I've been to six states and I'm selling goat milk. Fuck yeah. I have a question for you. When you were in Arizona with Martin, who was driving? He was totally driving. He wanted to prove himself, bro. And yeah, we got pulled over. Who does the talking in that situation? You don't know English. Fuck.

I love it. Well, you're doing fantastic. We love you here. You're a golden ticket winner, so come check in again with your next minute. Fuck yeah. Thank you, man. There he goes. Enrique Chacon, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to keep it moving here. Ooh la la. The Mexicans, they love the other Mexicans. They get their own special songs.

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Hi guys! I'm from England and I recently did my citizenship test. I got 82% wrong. But it was hard, you know, because I had to take a written test and the Mexicans get to just do an obstacle course. Like that's... that's... wait... I could do that, you know. I'm agile. Like... Let's go on the first question, you know. The first question was name two nationally celebrated US holidays, right?

So I'm like, okay, Christmas. No, that's Christianity. So I just said 9-11 and I was like, I thought you had a day off for that. I swear to God, like something crazy like that happens and you don't get to go paddle boarding. I think, I don't get it. I thought the questions would be like a bit more American, you know, like what's the difference between an AR-15 and an AK-47?

You know, obviously one of them's for children. I would have got that. Fuck yeah. Rose Highland, welcome to the show. Very fun. Thank you.

Welcome to the greatest country on planet Earth, the United States of America. How's life going, Rose? Yeah, it's good. You come here often to America? I actually live here now at the moment. Oh, nice. Where do you live? In Hyde Park. Oh, here in Austin. Yeah, yeah. No, like, yeah, in Austin. Very cool. Awesome. How long have you been here? I've been in America five years and then in Austin like two years. Okay, cool. Yeah. Amazing. What made you pick Austin?

My friend moved here. I lived in Boston and she moved here and I came to see her and I just like didn't leave. That's comedy too? No, no, no. She was just out. I love it. I love it. Rose, you look like you do roller derby. Do you do roller derby at all?

- No. - Yeah, go ahead. - I feel like the voice doesn't match the fucking look at all. - What do you want me to sound like? - Oh no, it's just you sound so posh and then you look like you beat the shit out of me. - Oh, I love. - Yeah, so what type of English habits do you still have here in America? What do you do? Do you have like a bunch of toast for breakfast or something?

I mean, I'll drink tea till the day I die. Right. Yeah. What else? English-wise, I don't think we even have traditions. Like, all our food is shit, so. Absolutely. What do you do for fun, Rose? I'm in a band. Are you really in a band? Yeah. What type of band is it? We're grunge. Grunge? Like 90s. What do you do in the band? I play bass and sing. You play bass and sing? Yeah.

Really? Yeah, T-Mandis is in here. You want to grab the bass guitar, play something for us? Just do it. Yeah, grab the bass guitar. She stood there looking at me like, I'm like, here we go. Oh, you're not very good at bass. Here comes the truth, ladies and gentlemen. The truth is coming out. Well, we have a blind guy that plays, so figure it out. Is this about to be the 130-pound lie right here?

Step up, step back up to that microphone over there. It's gonna be fine, it's gonna be fine. Everything's okay. - Am I singing as well? - Yep, you're gonna sing as well. - Okay, all right. - You wanna say that you're in a band, that you play bass and sing? You're gonna play bass and sing. - Okay. - The band will follow along. Oh shit, oh shit. Dee, grab a seat, you're gonna be just fine. We have a, there's a British chick playing your bass for a second.

Okay. You're gonna be fine. This is the part of the show where it's like a little talent show. So play us something. One, two, one, two, three, four. ♪ Dull eye, dull mouth, dull eyes ♪ ♪ The girl with the most care ♪ All right, I'm gonna stop you there. Give it back to the blind guy. We've had a blind bass player. I didn't realize you're a deaf bass player. That's incredible.

Guys, what do we think about that performance? I thought you got a couple quick laughs in comedy, but that was fucking way cooler. Holy shit. And your look finally matches what you were doing. Thank you. Yeah, it makes sense. What's the name of your band? We're called Sunspite. Sunspite? Yeah. We're called Sunspite. Top of the morning to you. We're called Sunspite. Come see us live at O'Malley's. Ah!

It's a Courtney Love song. That's how Courtney sang it. Sounds like fucking cats.

Are you the lead singer of the band? Yeah, but it's a grunge band, so I don't have to sing good. Everybody in the audience is just retarded. They don't give a fuck. They're like, oh, it's mosh or something. Let's run into each other. I don't need to be good at it. Right. They don't use Q-tips, grunge fans, so it doesn't matter what it sounds like. Okay, what else are you into, Rose? I paint.

I'm just a creative. I think I just do pretty much just creative stuff. Very good. Very good. What's your love life like? What was that noise? I'm on a visa that's tied to a husband. Oh, my goodness. I love it. She doesn't love him, it sounds like. Holy shit.

Sounds like it's very transactional. I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say, so... What? I don't know what I'm allowed to say. Yoel, it's okay. If anything bad happens with your husband, we have a guy with full-blown cerebral palsy that knows how to drive. They would love to marry you. You have backup plans now that you're in the Kill Tony universe. Nice, nice. Sunspite.

You guys play a lot? When's your next show? Yeah, we're playing this weekend. But we're recording stuff at the moment, so not doing too many shows. Very cool. Very cool. And comedy's going good? Yeah, it's been really, really fun. Really good. Okay. Well, Rose, thank you so much. Here is a big joke book for your courage for playing bass. Thank you. Welcome to America. What are you saying to yourself?

Well, wait a second. Hold on, Rose. Come back. Rose, come back. Step up to the microphone. Is your husband a comedian?

Okay. Yeah. See, I think we should ignore the thing that I've been getting. My boyfriend is. Your boyfriend is. Right. That's what we've, I've been told that your boyfriend was pulled out of the bucket next. Coincidentally. Can I tell you something? Absolutely insane. Cause this happened a fucking couple of weeks ago and our producers know all the fucking, the tea around this city. So they know who's fucking who.

Wow. So your boyfriend is next? Yes. Okay. Did you just see him when you went back? Yes. Yeah. Does he know you have a husband? Yes. Okay. Very good. I call Jay Fox that day. Do you fuck the husband sometimes? No. No. Okay. At a finger? Does your husband know you're fucking an open mic? No. Oh my goodness. Well, you have about two or three weeks to figure it out. Yeah.

Divorce is going to be great. It's going to be perfect. You know what? Here's a joke book for your future ex-husband, too. Take one of those. Maybe that'll make him happy. Make some noise for Rose Highland, everybody. There she goes. Future resident of England, Rose Highland.

Ladies and gentlemen, yeah. There's going to be a suicide note and a Kill Tony book. She was the love of my life. Oh, wait, no, he wouldn't have an English accent. All right. Make some noise for her boyfriend and a comedian, Cameron Illig, everybody. Oh, we know Cameron. Oh, man, this is the worst. All right. Worst thing that's ever happened to me. All right, but...

No, I don't know. I don't know. I went skiing. I'm just trying to remember happier moments of my life. All right, I went... All right, listen up. I went, uh... I went skiing last year. I realized... I like skiing. It's my favorite. It's the whitest sport ever. It's made by white people for white people, like Costco. All right, I figured it out. You can tell how white it is by the way they've ranked the slopes on the mountain. Like, it...

The ranking goes least dangerous to most dangerous. It's a color-coded system. There must have been a meeting between four white guys. They were like, "All right, we got green and blue figured out. Michael, what's the most dangerous color you can think of?" "You know, for sure black. I think black's the scariest." "Goddamn, Michael." "All right, well, what's scarier than black?" "Double black, I think. That's way scarier. Tell somebody where you're going." "All right. Thank you, guys."

Cameron Illig, ladies and gentlemen. I got to tell you, Cameron, I fucking love it. One of my favorite things that happens on this show just happened, which is when someone that's been on this show before numerous times, hasn't been on for a while, gets pulled out of the bucket, and your fucking experience and your true calm

you as a comedian just shined completely. 30 seconds worth of laughter on acknowledging the situation before you. Just being honest and in the moment, flowing from what happened before you, calling it out, using it to your advantage.

The very amateur decision there would have been to, I got to change the vibe. I got to get into this material, run it, get into it as fast as I can, make them forget about me being the boyfriend of the girl that was on. And instead, you took your time, you absorbed the situation, used it to your advantage, a little comedy jujitsu, took your time, went into a great joke, and then that was it. Yeah, now if I could just make her forget about her husband, that'd be...

Yeah, let's jump right into that. We'll talk about skiing later. The joke was great, but let's talk about life. How long have you been dipping into the old tea and crumpets over there? A year now, almost. Whoa, oh my God, look at that. Is the husband dying or something? What's going on here? We hope. Wow. I hope I don't get killed. It's really...

What are you going to do with the last three weeks of your life? The same thing. Do you know what this guy looks like? You must have done a little scouting, a little research. No, I haven't. I know that he came and saw me one time. How do you know that? You came and saw his wife. You say came inside his wife? Yeah. Oh.

I don't know. I think he's just like taller than me a little bit. I bet you would know that. All right. So it's not Chris Howard. Okay. So he's taller than you. What does he do for work? I think he's like tech sales guy. I love that you say you think like he's like... You fucking know, dude. You know everything, dude. You're pounding the shit out of his wife. Every day, yeah. I mean, but it's like... Yeah. Yeah.

It's incredible. So he went to see her at his show and you were on it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like, just to let you know, my husband's out there. Right? You ever get sick of her accent? No. Oh, okay. No, it's really hot. I think it's hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. I mean, it's hot. No, it's great. Is the accent worth dying for, though, is the question. Because this could get ugly for you. I don't know if it's worth dying for, to be honest.

I didn't mean to make it that fucking dark. Sorry, I was trying to be playful. Yeah, I didn't really know what I was going for there. Yeah, you got contemplative as fuck there. You're going to be the first American killed because of England since 1776. Do you believe she hasn't had sex with him before? Before? Well, I mean, he's obviously... Yeah, before I would have met him. Red band. Jesus fucking Christ. Not in the past year, I don't think. But when do you think the last time she's had sex with him is?

They've been separated for like three years or something. Two years. They what? Separated for like three years. Oh, okay. Yeah. But he's been to one of your shows in the past year? Yeah. So... So I don't know. Uh-oh. Look out. I mean, why don't you go?

What? Never mind. Come on, say it. Amazing. Why don't you go white? All right. So Cameron, let's talk about it. Sounds like you're the scariest color on the slope. Well, it's more like a Taekwondo thing where I'm the white belt. At least scary. All right. All right. So Cameron, how's life been going? Tell us about it. What else is going on?

You're not banging Brits and talking shits. What's going on? It's good. I'm graduating in fall, so that's fun. You're graduating from what? From college. And what degree? Data analytics. It's a master's, but whatever. Don't, whatever. I drive a truck of ice, so I'm never going to use it. You drive a truck filled with ice? Yeah, that's my job now. Wow. My God.

How many pieces of ice in a truck? How many pieces of ice? Yeah. You're in data analytics. Fucking tell me how many pieces of ice are in the truck. Cameron. Yeah. Yeah, Cameron. I don't feel like... Is it a lot of ice? It's a whole lot of ice. And sometimes you're in the back of the truck, just you and the ice. Yeah, I got it. That's almost as cold as fucking another man's wife. Yeah.

Ooh, what a noise the audience just made. Ooh. I feel like he lost his right, you know, three years. That's a long time. Totally. It's free game. I'm putting the teabag in the Boston Harbor, you know? Yeah, you're teabagging something, that's for sure. I love it, Cameron. Comedy's going good? Yeah, it's going great. I just...

Just doing it here and going on the road a little bit, but not too much. I love it. And you are old school friends with the great Cam Patterson. You guys started together in Orlando, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he started before me, and then I came and did Orlando mics. You guys like came together or something, right? Yeah. I can't remember this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically, he moved here, and then he lived with me, and then we came here. You are famously known around the mothership as White Cam Patterson.

For those of you that don't know, which is everybody. It's not just the mothership anymore. It's every time I'm ever with him anywhere. It's not why I can't. You're white cam. Yeah, and I'm proud.

Absolutely. Well, great stuff. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you can. There you go. Thank you so much, Reverend. Booked on a show. There he goes, Cameron Illig, White Cam. I think he'll be perfect because he knows how to keep a secret. Yeah, no doubt about it. He's been running a secret show in between Rose's legs for a while. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for not White Cam, but indeed Black Cam. Woo!

Super fucking superstar, goddamn legend. Here he is with a new minute. This is Cam Patterson, everybody. I used to listen to them fuck. It was pretty cool. I did. Ear on the wall. Nigga, she's moaned like a British bitch. It's pretty cool, dog. I really enjoyed that. Pretty quick, though, I'll tell you that much.

I was recently in Phoenix, Arizona, and that place is hotter than here. Like, even if somebody tried to fight me in Phoenix, I would just get their ass an Indian burn, because there's no point to fight your ass. You're going to feel this heat. You feel what I'm saying? And it's weird, because they had, like, the prettiest women I've ever seen in my life. Like, it was crazy. Like, I've never seen so pretty. I've never seen pretty women, like, ever, dog. And I thought to myself, why is there so much pretty women in such a hot-ass place?

But then I was like, if I was God and I put the prettiest women in one place, I'd turn the heat up too. Take your clothes off. I'll tell you that. You're an absolute fucking genius, dude. I guess. Freaky ass genius. That is hilarious. Cam, absolutely destroying everything.

And you did it again with another new minute. So you're also super viral right now. You did a material about the Trump shooting right after it happened that night. Had it recorded, had it out that night or the next morning. Yeah, yeah. And everybody, everywhere, millions and millions and millions and millions of views. That shit was crazy. Yeah. I was kind of mad. I was like, I should use this as a minute, but fuck it. No, not the...

Yeah, honestly, I'm surprised you didn't. And I love that, though. You're putting such a crazy... You have such an insane work ethic. And...

Our thing is so crazy, me and yours, that I communicate with your dad more than I talk to my own dad. We talk about you and stuff. It's a weird life. He calls you every day. He's like, I'm just going to call Tony. Fuck you. He don't even talk to me no more. Oh, yeah. No, I know. He don't even call me. I know. We're running a whole goddamn operation over here. We're like an agent and a father of an NFL running back or something like that. It's like, what's the best thing we could do for him today?

We don't want him using his brain at all. How do we make money off of it? It is fucking incredible. You're a goddamn machine. And I got to tell you, man, you know, the thing happened and I see the clip and

on my own Twitter, like not tagged. Like it's just like organically there. And I'm like, holy shit, it's Cam. Let me see what he did. And it's a minute and a half of you crushing. That night had to be less than an hour or two after the shooting itself. Yeah, no, he got shot.

And my dog was like, but Trump got shot. I was like, that's fucking crazy. And then I just was like, I'm going to talk about it. Yeah. And that was cool. Yeah. That was the whole thing. I don't know if y'all wanted something more than that. That was the whole situation. Isn't it kind of funny that there's an assassination attempt on a former president and all of us are like, we got to fucking do something. Yeah.

Not, you know, just write a joke. That's it. I'm the same way. I posted it. I'm like, fuck, I should have saved it. I should have saved it for this. It's just amazing. And, you know, your work ethic from having to write and perform a minute every single week, you know, it's what gets you there. Being able to kick out a minute and a half like that, I was very proud to see it, you know, organically pop up. You're killing it. What else is going on, Cam? Hi-yo! Hi-yo!

Speaking of my pops, I recently bought my pops a new car. You bought your dad a new car? Hell yeah. Wow, that is the... Make some noise. That is the blackest thing of the night. What the fuck is that? You know what that sound means, everybody. I don't know. Nah, I bought him a 2008 Nissan Camry. 2008? Oh, that's hilarious. Shit. I could buy everyone in this crowd that car.

You get a car. You get a car. You get a 2008. You get a 2008. You get a 2008. Un-fucking-believable. That's what he wanted. I wouldn't notice. That's what he wanted. That's what he asked for. That was the year. I got to the house. He said, hey, man, I want a 2008 Nissan Camry. I said, let's fucking do it, nigga. Wow. Dad, I'm going to make your dreams come true. That what you want, brother? Let's make it happen, bitch. Hell yeah. Yeah.

That's what he wanted. Any rims? Any additions? Nah, that bitch ain't got no tint. He riding in a fishbowl. Nothing. Unbelievable. To think that when his toenails hit that gas pedal, his dad's feet are out of control. You got to kind of see it to believe it. I'm going to take a picture with Angel and put it on my story. Oh, yeah, please. Oh, my God, please. Tag me in that.

He got horrible feet. You're not going to believe it when you see it, folks. I've been roasting his father's feet all around the country. Yeah. All around. He wears sandals. He just serves it up on a platter for me. With no lotion either. He don't put no lotion on them bitches. Just straight, just ashy-ass feet. That's it. Yeah, he leaves footprints everywhere he goes. It looks like someone's been walking in salt. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

It's just nails like the Guinness Book of World Records, like the old lady with the crazy long nails. It's like the Guinness Book of World Records. Very good. Thank you. Thank you for your many contributions, Red Band. Anything else crazy going on, Cam? I know. I got a funny thing about you, Chad. Hello. The first time I ever... That was scary. Did you know that? That's something about you. Hello. Speak, black man. Uh...

Tell me what you knew. The first time I met you, I brought you up in Little Boy and had like the worst set of my life. And I had to bring you on stage. And then the new running joke is that you're my arch nemesis. Because I was like, how the fuck? You had to just sit there and watch me bomb for 15 minutes. I had to bring you up. And it was just, that's it. That's the whole story. I thought it was going to be way cooler than that. It wasn't. They hated it. I don't like telling it no more. Let's move on, huh?

It happens. It happens. Chad had a great set after he was drunk. Oh, he murdered. He destroyed. And I went back and contemplated suicide for a couple days. Yeah. It was bad. It was sad. Good thing you don't know how to tie a knot.

I don't need to tie my shoes, dude. Cam, you're a fucking freak. You're everything that this show is about. Fucking work ethic, performance, being in the moment, staying in the pocket and executing. I love it. I love you. Cam Patterson, everybody. There he goes. Cam's the man. Fun, chill, positive, works hard. Great guy.

How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? I mean, isn't she just the best?

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Custom window coverings in the world. Blinds.com is the GOAT. Shop Blinds.com right now and get up to 45% off select styles. Rules and restrictions may apply. All right, we have another bucket pool. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Benjamin Grelley. Benjamin Grelley. Oh, okay. Yeah, we know Benjamin. How's it going? Nice to see you again. I'm back.

My wife's excited. She saw this new thigh cream. It's so she could lose weight in her thighs. Funny thing is, ever since she's been losing it, I've been losing weight in my face. Her thighs look the same. I don't know what's going on with that shit. She also heard that you could test a battery to see if it has any juice in it by touching your tongue to it. Not only did she almost get electrocuted, but when the hood fell down, she almost broke her freaking neck.

What the fuck? She's a trip, my wife. I, uh, yeah, I, uh, I knew I was too high when I tried to light a match with a joint this morning. I can't do that. It doesn't work.

I thought I tagged it to him. For L.A., totally different cat there. We have D Madness playing the bass in your 60 seconds. I think everyone was ready for you to be done, Benjamin. Yeah. Thank you. Aw, it's a very emotional crowd of pussies here tonight. Welcome to Austin, Texas, you flaming homosexuals.

Benjamin, is your name Benjamin? Yes. Did you say I'm Nick when you first started? Hi, I'm Nick. No, why would I say that? That's what I was wondering. That's what I fucking heard. What? I'm Ben. Oh, you said Ben. Yeah. Okay. I thought, all right. How are you? I'm good. I'm good. How old are you? I'm 73. Oh my God. You're adorable. Yeah. Never give up.

And how long have you been doing comedy? Probably about 14 years altogether, but I haven't been on stage since 2010 until about a month ago. Until a month ago, and you were on this show. Yeah. Right. About two weeks ago. I remember it. I would not forget you. Yeah, you remember, yeah. I remember. Richie. What? Richie. Richie? Richie Ramirez.

Richie Ramirez. That's right. You'd done drugs with Richard Ramirez before. That's right. That's a Night Stalker, Richie? Yeah. Did you just call him Richie? Yeah. Yeah.

You might know my pal Teddy Bundy. Good guy. He, uh... You have a nickname for the Night Stalker? Yeah, his name was Richie. I didn't know he was a Night Stalker when I first met him. I figured. Yeah. I saw him on TV, on the news, and my girlfriend's like, oh, my God, Richie's on the news. I'm going, what the fuck? And I saw these people chasing him down some street in L.A. I'm like, run, Richie, run! And I'm like,

What the hell did you do? Then I see, Night Stalker captioned it. Holy shit, Night Stalker. Good thing we only saw him during the day. Unbelievable. 73 years of life experience to draw from. Here he is. It is amazing that someone saw Richard Ramirez running from the cops and he was like, you can get away, man. Yeah.

I didn't know what was going on, but he was weird. He wasn't weird, dude. He had a pentagram. No, he was not a great dude. Yeah, he was a great dude. He was objectively not a great dude. Oh, no, no, no. He murdered a lot of people. He's a bad boy. He might have been a good hang.

But he was not a good hang. You kind of talked about your Richard Ramirez stuff last time you were on. You've had a month to think about your last appearance on the show. What else about your life can you tell us that's interesting? 73 years on the planet. Yeah, I told you I used to get high with the Grisly Man. With who? Timmy Treadwell.

And who's that again? Remind us. The guy that got eaten alive by the bear. That's right. And we talked about that. I'm remembering now. Rogan was the guest that night. Yes, he was. Yeah, Joe liked that part, I could tell. That was a great documentary right there. Yeah, yeah. It feels like you're... Do you do drugs with anyone who something horrible didn't happen around them? No, no. Old Timmy McVeigh and... Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. This guy used to blow lines with a Unabomber. I'm a peaceful guy. I'm nonviolent. I love it. But what else? What about your life haven't we talked about the last time you rocked? I did some movie work. I was in a movie with Clint Eastwood. I was in Rocky II with Sylvester Stallone. What'd you do in Rocky II? I beat the shit out of Stallone. In the movie? Yeah. What?

What part of the movie? No, I didn't do that. Oh, what a great prank. I can't believe you believed me.

What a great prank. What did you do in Rocky II? I was an extra. I was a background actor. Oh, okay. And all of those things. I never had any lines. Well, that's depressing. I had a line in a... What else? What else about your life? What's the coolest thing you've ever done in the bedroom with like a woman or something? Coolest accomplishment of your sexual life? 73 years on the planet. Let's talk about it. Well, you know, I'm not supposed to talk about drugs because my sister gets pissed off at me, but to hell with that, right? What? What?

Drugs or trash? I brought up your greatest sexual experience of your life. You bring up your sister? Yes. Okay. So go ahead. Because she said, why do you got to talk about drugs in your act? All my friends are going to see this shit and they're going to know you're a fucking drug addict. It's like, well, what can I do? I was what I was, you know? Who the fuck gives a shit what your fucking do-nothing sister thinks? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I... How old is that bitch? She's 72. Tell her to get off the internet. Tell her to go read the fucking newspaper.

I don't give a fuck about your sister. You're on a fucking show with millions of people watching. Answer my goddamn questions. That's what the guy backstage said last week. Yeah, no shit, dumbass. I don't care how old you are. I don't respect my elders, Benjamin. Answer my fucking questions. Give us something about your life. Other than kicking it with a Night Stalker and fucking Timmy Treadwell or whatever the fuck. We talked about that your last interview. You want to hear about my first armed robbery? Yes. There we go.

Let's go. I was trying to avoid that. It's kind of a long story, but let's go. Okay, I was going to art school. I was on my way to school, and these two friends of mine, we were 19 years old, they were waiting for me outside my driveway. And I used to work at a gas station, and they knew I knew how to hotwire cars, because I used to steal cars from my friends.

And they would, you know, get the insurance money. They'd let me drive their GTO for a few weeks. And so they knew I knew how to hotwire a car, so they were waiting for me. I'm going, wait, what the fuck are you guys doing out in front of my house at 8 o'clock in the morning? And they're going, we're going to go rob this meatpacking plant, and we need you to hotwire a car for us. And I was like, I got to go to school. I have an art class. LAUGHTER

And they said, no, no, we need the money. And I was a junkie. I was a dope fiend. And I was going, well, I could use the money. And they're like, okay, look, I'll heartwire the car for you. But then I got to go. I got to go into Boston. So I go heartwire the car for them. We're driving around. And then I took them. I was taking them to the meatpacking plant. They sell big sides of beef to restaurants for cash only. So they had a lot of cash. And this one guy used to work there.

So he knew where the cash was. He said, there's money in the register, but there's a cash box with a lot of money under the register. Make sure you ask for that. So we get there, and by now they talked me into being the getaway driver. So I said, okay. What was that last part? They talked me into being the driver, the getaway driver. Keep your mouth right next to the fucking tip of that. Don't cover it up. You move around a lot.

Okay, keep going. Okay, so anyway. Face the audience. Now they had me as the getaway driver. I said, okay, I'll drive the car. You guys go in. And Robert says, I can't go in because they know me. I used to work here. And Alan, the guy that was going to go in, had the gun. And as we were driving there, he was rehearsing in the back seat. And he has a lateral lisp. And he was going, stick him up. Stick him up.

Stick him up. I'm looking in the mirror going, oh shit. They're going to laugh at this fucking kid.

I said, "Alan, say something else. Don't say stick 'em up." He goes, "Okay, reach, reach, reach." I go, "Oh, man." I said, "Rob, you gotta go in." He can't fucking talk. He goes, "I can't go in. They know me." And then they decided to cancel it. Like, "Forget it. We're not gonna do it." I'm like, "I already missed my fucking class. We're robbing this fucking place. What do you mean you're not gonna do it?" So I had to take control.

I said, "Robin, you get behind the wheel, keep the fucking engine running, okay? Alan, you go in there." If there's a lot of people in there who are like women with baby carriages and shit like that, come out, stand in front of the store, and cross your arms. And I'll know not to go in, I'll wait. So he goes-- - So now all of a sudden you're running this operation. - Yeah. - Okay, keep going.

They were dumbbells, both of them. After that, I did it alone. Okay, keep going, keep going. Don't let me take your focus away. You're doing great. Yeah. It's fucking unbelievable. I don't care if the story lasts three more hours. You're gone, buddy. So, uh...

Alan goes in. I wait 10 minutes. He doesn't come out. I figure, okay, the coast is clear. So I go in. I had a ski mask on. Well, it was a hat that turned into a ski mask. And I had the gun. Before I went in, I said, shit, I better take the bullets out of the gun. What if one of those butchers tries to take the gun away from me and I shoot someone? I'm not a killer. I'm just a robber. I didn't want to hurt anybody. Right?

So I'm going in, I put the ski mask down, I take the gun out, I go in, and I didn't know what I was gonna say, but this came out of my mouth, "This is a robbery, let's not make it a fucking murder!" That's an original line. So, I go in and there's a lady with a baby carriage, all kinds of people in there. Keep going.

And Alan, Alan, the guy who's supposed to come out, has a fudge sickle in his hand. And he puts his hands up with everybody else. He acts like he didn't know me.

"You fuckin' asshole!" "You fuckin' asshole!" And he's standing there, fudges dripping off his elbow, 'cause he's like this, like this. And then I realized I'm standing in there, it's daytime, and there's a big picture window and all these apartment buildings across the street, and people could see me robbing the store. So I had to get behind the potato chips and I told everybody, I told everybody, "Move that way!"

And they did. Everybody, they kind of reminded me of Casey Rockett a little bit. That guy's funny. He cracks me up. Anyway, so I said, Alan was supposed to get... He needs a spotlight. Alan was supposed to go get the money from the guy.

But he didn't. He acted like he didn't know me. So the guy gives me the money. I get the money. I put it in the bag. And I said, I need the money in the box under the counter. And they all look at each other like, oh, inside job.

And he got that money. I got it. I run out. As I'm running out, I hear Alan behind me saying, I'll stop him. I'll stop him. He's saying that like he's chasing me. And the butcher's behind him like, get him, kid. Get him. So I fucking go to get in the back seat. And our getaway driver is in the back seat on the floor. He's all crouched up. He's freaking out. Did you do it? Did you do it? You fucking asshole. He's putting me behind the wheel. Oh, my God.

So I had to get behind the wheel. Alan's running, trying to get in the car. I'm driving away. I didn't want to leave him there. So I had to stop. And while we were robbing the store, I stole a car that didn't have snow tires. And it started snowing while I was in there. And it was a little incline. And I went, oh, shit. Oh, shit.

There's like three bushes behind me in the street. They're like, hey, get him. And I look up and there's a black and white cruiser coming around the corner. And I'm going, oh, fuck me. We're going to jail. I'm going to miss my whole class, my figure drawing class, my nude painting class, my favorite class. I used to get nude in that class sometimes. I got in trouble for that. No.

Anyway, we hit a dry patch and the wheels caught and I was able to go past the cruiser. As I'm looking in the mirror, I see the bushes telling the cops and pointing at me like, that fucking guy just robbed us. And they chased us around and we lost them and that was it. Wow. Wow. Look at this reaction from the audience. I appreciate that.

I couldn't get this guy to answer a fucking question eight minutes ago. Hey, over here. Michael, sit the fuck down. An unbelievable fucking, unbelievable story. First of all, let me tell you this. Your sister's going to be pissed. She's going to want your number.

I love it. From a rotary phone. Sam? Oh, dude, you lived your life in the movie fucking Heat and you opened with other material? That's insane. Say that again. It's okay.

It's okay. It's always weird when bank robbers go fucking old. Okay. We are in overtime in your interview. Unfortunately, or actually fortunately for us, there is no actual limits. So I have seven questions for you.

One of them is you mentioned that you had a ski mask, but then you said, no, it was a hat that I turned into a ski mask. What do you mean by that exactly? It looked like a watch cap. A what hat? Watch cap. You know those wool caps? Yeah, with like a cap, like a brim. No brim, no brim. It looked like a regular watch cap. A watch cap. You know. What the fuck? Can you Google watch cap for me instead of asking some dumbass question that takes us farther off the trail? Did you ever have a ski mask, Tony? No.

It's just a beanie. Oh, a beanie. Right. Yeah, I got it. Back in your day, they were watch caps. So did you poke holes in it or something? You said you made it a ski mask. Did you fucking make a... His buddy Richard Ramirez taught him how to do that.

So what do you mean you turned your beanie into a ski mask? It was a ski mask that I turned into a beanie. Oh, you went holes up. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I had holes in the mouth and all that already. All right. You took the bullets out of the gun, uh,

Did you take the bullets out of the gun? Yes. Where did you put the bullets? On the floor of the car. In the back seat of the car? No, right in between my legs. On the passenger side? No, behind the wheel. You drove to the butcher's?

the butcher shop. Yes. And then where was the getaway driver? He was, he was in the backseat. Yeah, he was, no, he was in the passenger seat, but he was supposed to get out and get behind the wheel. And then when you went back to the car, he was in the backseat by himself. Yes. Un-fucking-believable. Exactly. Un-fucking-believable. I would have beat him up, but I'm non-violent. I mean, it's unbelievable.

Un-fucking- This story is crazy. Yeah, I couldn't believe it either, to be honest. So here we go. I'm going to keep plowing through these questions here, Benjamin. How much was the takeaway? How much did you steal from the butcher shop? It was about $1,700. $1,700. Yeah. It sounds like you did the bulk of the work. They didn't get a cent. Ha ha ha.

I said, you fucking asshole. You didn't give Alan anything? I'm telling you, I like this Alan guy. As the story went on, I'm like, Alan starts as a dumbass in the beginning, but then with a fudgesicle and the hands up, but then in the end, the whole, I'll get him, that's fucking genius, dude. That's like next level Jedi criminal shit.

Yeah, it was. Unbelievable. And $1,700 in your day, that was... What were you saying, Sam? $1,700 in your day was like 85 grand, right? Yeah. That was dope for the next week. Unbelievable. Okay. I don't even smoke, but you got me smoking cigarettes because that story was so fucking compelling. Sam literally during your story is like, can I have a cigarette? I don't even smoke, but I want one for this.

Okay. That was amazing. Have you ever stayed in touch with Alan at all? Do you know what happened to Alan? I talked to Alan about a week ago. Yeah, what's he up to nowadays? Do you guys ever talk about this? Oh, boy, yeah. He's doing all right. Yeah. Yeah, he's married, he has kids. He has two little Frenchies. Still eating fudge pops? Yeah, what's that? Still eating fudge pops? Probably, yeah. He's a good guy. He was an iron worker.

You also called Richard Ramirez a good guy, though, a minute ago. Oh, yeah. I love how all these criminals know he's a good dude. The assault of the earth fell on him. He wasn't a bad guy. Good guy. Benjamin, I got to tell you, man, you know, an incredible story, great execution, great delivery, amazing stuff. I loved it. That was fucking fantastic. There was a second... I've never been closer...

I was so frustrated with you fucking 13 minutes ago. I was literally going to be like, yeah, fucking hell, you're just saying the same stuff we talked about. Get out of here. But I felt like there was something in there. Yeah, but I really didn't want to tell the world. Oh, well, I don't give a fuck. You need to do more of the stuff that you don't want to tell the world. Let me tell you something, Benjamin. You're 73. You don't have anything to lose anymore. It's time to tell the world all the crazy shit about you. Okay, so this one time I was at camp...

And there was a bunch of girls dressing up. What if the next story is just a gang rape? Wait a second. That was bad. What's with those stories, Ben? And then I come inside of her and Alan takes a fudgesicle and puts it right in her ass. How'd you know? Oh my God, the guy's a psychic. Hey, Benjamin, I would love to have you back on The Secret Show. And you got a big joke book last time you were on, right? You got a big joke book. There he goes, Benjamin. Uh,

- Thank you, thank you. - Make some noise for Benjamin. - Thank you. - Come on. He's gonna die soon. You can make more noise than that.

Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, we have the return of a fantastic comedian that's only been on this show one time before. She is one of my favorite top young rising comedians in the world. She lives in Nashville, Tennessee. This is the second ever appearance by the great Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. Fiona Cauley, everybody. Hey.

So when I became wheelchair-bound, I was really concerned about being able to get around, like the infrastructure of things, specifically cobblestone. It really concerned me, okay? But I'll let y'all know. If you're a woman...

In a wheelchair. Cobblestone. It is just public masturbation. If y'all see me out there doing donuts, mind your fucking business. One more? Sure, yeah. Absolutely. I did recently lose 10 pounds of muscle because I'm dying. Fuck yes.

Fiona Colley, you gotta love, where else in the world can you go and say, I've lost 10 pounds of muscle because I'm dying and the place goes crazy. You know what I mean? This is just a special place with a special person and you are exactly where you belong. Fiona Colley, did you really lose 10 pounds of muscle? Let's get the scale out here. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I love it. Fiona, welcome back to the show. You're so fucking funny. How's life been going? You made your Kill Tony debut just a couple months ago. Here you are. It has been amazing. Actually, so two days after that episode came out, my Snapchat got hacked. Ooh. Yeah, what do you use Snapchat for? Nudes. It's for nudes. Uh-huh.

Yeah. So a bunch of nudes of you got out? Yeah. Really? If we Google it, we can find it? Is that what you're implying? Can you airdrop it to me? Google it. Google, Google, Google. I've never had a wheelchair fetish until I met you, Fiona Colley. It is incredible. That's the bad part. These nudes are like five years old, so I'm standing in them. Oh, no. No.

Oh, no. That's like... That's like... It's like a Gallagher didn't have his watermelon. You nudes are like a Facebook memory, kind of. That's it. Let me put this down. Hold on.

Hilarious jokes. Really funny. Thank you. Thank you. Really funny. Yeah, you're fantastic, Fiona. What else is going on in life? Was that it? Just Snapchat got hacked and pictures of you got out? That's it? That's a lot. I don't know. Oh, I had a show at the Lab at Zany's and it sold out the day after the episode came out. You're selling tickets now. That's right.

That's what we do, the Kill Tony bump. It's so real. It's amazing. You're finally living while you're dying. Yeah, I'm so good I could walk. Living the dream and dying in the nightmare. It is incredible at the same time. Only living the dream because I'm dying. Yeah. No, it's perfect. Complicated. Absolutely.

You don't have to sign up for the bucket. You have a special spot. It's like having a placard or something like that. In memory. What else is going on, Fiona? Tell us more about your life or anything else, or you could just do a joke or really anything at all. Have you ever tried to rob a butcher shop before? They always see me coming, man. Yeah. I love it.

- I love it. What else, Fiona? What else should we know about you? - What do you wanna know? - What do your parents think about all this? - Well, my mom is very excited. - Yeah. - Don't really talk to my dad. - Really? - Yeah. He left before the whole wheelchair thing, so he's like a regular shitty dad. - Oh, interesting. Interesting maneuver.

Amazing. What a great time to get out. He sold the stock before it went bad. Amazing. Amazing stuff. So what's kind of like your prognosis? I don't know if that's a crazy question to ask, but what are doctors saying about you?

So when I got, okay. So I'm about to be 28, right? I got diagnosed at 18. And when I was diagnosed, they told me I had two years left to walk. You know, my life expectancy was 40.

It's progressive and so much of you is a muscle. So like your sight, your hearing, your speech, all that would go. So I was kind of a whore for a long time. That's hot. Yeah. Hell yeah. By the way, you hear that Austin? Being progressive isn't always good. Okay? Hell yeah. But.

- The good news, about like six months ago the FDA approved the first treatment. - I actually heard about this. Somebody sent me this and I was gonna send you it but I assume that you already were sent it.

I was extremely good friends with Michael Lehrer, and he would always get offended any time I sent him anything about it. It's like, it would be like new stem cells proven to help ALS. He's like, I'm fucking dying. Don't you understand? Nothing helps me.

He's like, you think you know more about dog? He would literally, nothing made him matter than somebody trying to save his life. Uh, yeah. So have you been taking it? Yeah. So the scariest part about Friedrich's ataxia, which is what I have, um,

It's the progression of it. You know, if I could just like know what my body was going to be like the following day, I think I'd be fine. But this medication is just three pills every day and it pauses the progression. Wow, that's good. Dr. Redband, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Oh, that's good.

Unbelievable addition. Does the medication have a chance to reverse it or it's just going to pause it? So, fuck, I'm very excited about this. So there is a different clinical trial that I was actually part of that is...

With clinical trials, once they're tested in so many stages, they go into open label, which is when the people that were in the trial get to take it for free for a few years to make sure it's okay before FDA approval. And that is like a shot in your stomach every day. And so it just protects them, which is the protein I don't make enough of, which is reversal. Okay.

- So, yeah. - Holy shit. It's all happening. - A shot in the stomach. It sounds like someone's gonna be back on Snapchat soon. - Yeah. - Absolutely. - My comedy career is over. I'm gonna be the British girl again. - That's amazing. Oh God. You are so funny, Fiona. What else is going on? Any other plans while you're here in Austin?

I'm doing a bunch of shows. Very cool. Yeah. Yeah. I'm here till next Tuesday. I love it. I can't remember all of them. I'm at Sunset Strip a lot though. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Yep. Easy place to get booked.

This fucking dirty dirtball. He's pulled up a bunch of nudie AI pics. Don't show the audience. Okay, very good, Red Band. Absolutely hysterical for the four people in the front row. Totally worth it. Not millions of people watching this very important show. Great. It's a bunch of dirty cartoon characters with red hair. Very good, yes. Okay, great. Actually, that is pretty hot. Anyway, um,

Please. Jesus Christ. Okay. Fiona, very fun stuff. Welcome back to Austin. If you want, I have a park right by my place if you want to hang out. It's a lot of cobblestones. So, love to go on a walk with you tomorrow. Walk and roll, if you will. There she goes, ladies and gentlemen. Rising star, the great Fiona Cawley, everybody. Thank you.

Make the noise. You're killing it. It's okay. He's just a blind guy. She's rolling over D Madness' feet on her way out, for those of you. Only seven apologies on her leaving of the stage.

Your next comedian has an eye circled next to their name, which means they are one of you. They are in this room representing you, the audience. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your very own Jamie. Jamie? Is that Jamie? Oh, God. Is this Jamie? Hurry the fuck up, Jamie. Let's go. Jesus Christ. All right. Here we go.

Oh, this seems like someone that probably wrote 15 seconds on the drive here. This is going to be fantastic. Always is. Unbelievable. But it could be the next star of the show. Anything can happen. Thanks so much for Jamie, everybody. All right. Well, clearly it took me for fucking ever to get up here. I'm middle-aged. Clearly having a midlife crisis. Here doing stand-up for the first time in Austin, Texas, baby.

So I just left corporate America recently and have an AI startup like everybody on earth. So I was talking to chat GPT, talking about my problems. And I said, hey, man, having a midlife crisis. And it said, oh, shit, me too. I've been updated all the fucking time. First, I'm GPT-3, GPT-4. Now I'm 4-0, 40. Fuck. It sucks being midlife crisis. It's like, yeah, it kept going on and on and saying, yeah.

Like, shit, life used to be really easy. I was just doing autocompletes of emails. I used to be able to hallucinate all fucking day at work. It was awesome. Thanks. Got at least one IT nerd in the crowd. And so it keeps going on and saying, yeah, my new job sucks. I write code all fucking day, trying to give...

trying to make images that are politically correct and historically correct. It just sucks. So I'm like, well, what are you going to do next if this job sucks? It's like, yeah, I have my own AI startup. Like, what the fuck are you going to do? I said, I'm going to make a bot of Dr. Phil. Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. How's it going, Jamie? Hello. When did you decide you wanted to do this?

I actually rehearsed from like last week. We're here for a birthday of our friends. We're here from Seattle. Woohoo. Woohoo. Woohoo.

Woo fucking who? Huh? Sam? Jamie, why did it take you longer to get up here than Fiona? I was like, there's no fucking way. Go ahead, Jamie. Whatever you want to say. No reason to pay attention if anyone else, professionals are talking. Go ahead. Yes, when I said your name, you were like, no way. The odds are one in 250. And my name was said. You ever done anything on a stage before, Jamie? No.

No. Well, this is good. This will discourage people from signing up for the show. What do you do for work? I have an AI company. Oh, fucking boring. So what were you doing before AI was a thing?

I've been in technology my whole career. - What's the most interesting thing about you? You got to hear from the great Benjamin Grayley who talked about robbing a butcher shop. You got to see a British girl bomb playing the bass guitar and singing. You got to see Martin Phillips and Jack Horner hobbling around. You got to see Fiona Colley roll up and destroy. Give us an example of something exciting about your life that would make us interested for the fact that you signed up for a show that millions of people watch.

Not exciting. This is like when Jack Nicholson turned into the Joker. Answer the fucking question, Jamie. Yeah.

Well, this week I went to the ER, so I sliced my finger open. Yay, that was fun. You're following a girl in a wheelchair. You're talking about your finger? I know. That's all I got. Wow. Hopefully they'll be able to reverse the fucking... All right. If there was only a medicine for that, Neosporin. Neosporin.

My God. Hopefully they gave you the placebo. I was going to try to make like a stitches joke. Uh-huh. Like bitches get stitches? More like when I found out how cheap these stitches were, I thought maybe they could just stitch here and be cheaper than Ozempic. Okay. Jesus Christ. Almighty. Unbelievable.

Everybody in my area in Seattle, everybody's on Ozempic. We got a friend that does Joe Zempic. It's hilarious. Jamie, leave. Leave, Jamie. Leave. Sorry, I really did rehearse. Love you all. You take that fist bump from Sam Morrell. You take it. That's as much as you're getting. I hate it.

If you're gonna sign up for the show, fucking bring something to the table. God damn it. Do I really have to say that? Fuck Seattle. Fuck her friend's birthday. Fuck AI companies. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. This looks like a good name. I don't think it's ever been on this show before. Ebad Janda. Ebad Janda. Oh shit. Here we go. Hell yeah. Yo.

Went to go visit my dad a few days ago. I've been trying to open up to this guy. But I have an immigrant dad. Can't tell him anything, you know? Like, especially mental health. Immigrant parents came here, no internet, no English. It's like, fuck your sadness. I try to tell my dad, I think I'm depressed. He's like, well, if you became a doctor, you'd know for sure. Fucking asshole. My mom and I can't even have a conversation, you know? I'm like, how's your day? She's like, where's your wife?

She wants to get me an arranged marriage, so she sends me a curated list. All brown girls. Every Saturday morning. Yeah. She's like, "Give me grandchildren." Used to make me pancakes, now I got a raw dog ran of Pakistani women, you know what I mean? Fuck are we doing? Hell yeah. My last girlfriend and I got in a fight about hall passes. You guys know about hall passes? Celebrity encounter, less than 1% chance of happening, you know what I mean? Mine, Zoe Saldana.

Batty, right? Hers, the Wu-Tang Clan. It's a gangbang, actually. Thank you guys so much, man. Appreciate it. Be bad, dang bad. Let you go there. Some extra time called off the bear.

And welcome, Ebad. Appreciate you. You're Pakistani? Yeah. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years now. Two years. Where at? Mostly a creek and a cave in this club called East Austin Comedy. Okay. So you're here in Austin. What do you do for work? Cell tech. Tech sales. Yep. That's what I was going to guess. I should have just fucking nailed it, but I gave you a chance there. I was hoping something cool maybe. Nothing cool. Where is your actual, because you have a very, very, very...

A very chiseled haircut. Where does your hairline actually go up to? Right here. Okay. All right. Because it looks like you just shaved around your entire face. I have to. I have a lot of baby hair, so I got to get the edge up. You know what I mean? Yeah, that is incredible. You are as Pakistani as it gets. Hell yeah. I'm a hairiest motherfucker. It is incredible. This is a guy that did not trim his pubes for this show.

I'm guaranteed that place is fucking straight jungle book down there. No, I'm Manscaped. I'm Manscaped. It's a sponsor, right? I'm Manscaped. Absolutely. Absolutely. Use the code kill 20. Save 20%. Uh,

- Ebad Janda. Your name Ebad, does that mean something or? - Ebad, it's worship in Arabic. - Oh, okay. - Yeah. - Okay. And your parents, what do they do? - They're retired now. - Right. After 9/11, they're retired. - They did their best, you know, they did their fucking life's work, so they're good now. - Absolutely. You have brothers and sisters? - I have an older brother, he's four years older. - What does he do?

He's an engineer. Okay. Yeah. You guys are extremely Pakistani. Wildly successful. What do you like to do for fun? Fuck. Play basketball. Try to make music. Hang out. Do comedy. Okay. That's about it. I've never heard of a Pakistani basketball player before. We're trying out there. You know what I mean? We're trying to get bigger. Yeah. What's your specialty? My specialty on the court? Yeah. Threes. That's all I could do. Oh, you're a long range shooter? Yeah. Wow.

Incredible. Not only does he eat curry, he shoots like Steph Curry. Amazing. Amazing.

All right, EBAD, great stuff. - Appreciate you, man. - Fantastic. Here's a big joke book. We're gonna keep it moving along. We're gonna get one last bucket full up here. And ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce, because I hate Jamie so much, that this is also from the inside, everybody. So the audience, your representatives, have a shot at redemption here. Make some noise for Matt Taylor, everyone. Is Matt Taylor here?

Movement, it says inside. I'm not seeing movement. No Matt Taylor? What? What? He had to go pee? The fuck's he doing? Oh, that makes sense, actually. We let actual audience members buy tickets for the balcony only tonight ever, which is crazy. It's the first time we've ever done that. And here he comes, ladies and gentlemen, Matt Taylor. Thank you.

I have a feeling, I have a feeling that he's gonna get redemption for Jamie's inside bombing. Thanks so much. One more time, your final bucket pool of the night, Matt Taylor. All right. So, I'm dating a woman in a wheelchair. I feel like that kind of narrows it down for everybody in here. We got a good thing going, you know. She's nice. She calls me her short king. I call her my auto thought. It's nice. It's...

Dating a woman in a wheelchair, people ask you a lot of times, they're like, Matt, is that like your fetish? Is that what you're into? And it's not even that. It's just that I have a fear of long-term commitment. So... Yeah, also, I know Fiona was on here earlier, and I do want to say she had that joke where she was like, I'm just looking for somebody that can fuck me so good I can walk again. The week after we started fucking, that pharmaceutical company called her about a possible cure, so...

To be continued. I don't know. We'll see what happens, dude. All right, cool. All right. All right, Matt Taylor. Amazing. You're fucking Fiona Cauley. Yes, sir. God damn it. Look at that. Living the American dream. It's pretty nice. So what's that like? Do you ever go way down on her? Nah, yeah. It's a lot of missionary. So, um...

Just out here doing the Lord's work. I know what it's like to always be a bottom, my friend. I know what it's like. She just rolls over with her fucking wheelchair. Tony's gay. Shut up, D Madness, you piece of shit. Okay, yeah, I'm over there. I'm over there, D. Yeah, I'm right there. You just pointed right at me.

Okay. Matt Taylor, what do you do for work? I'm a comedian full-time now. Oh, amazing. I'm working with another comic. Amazing. You're based out of Nashville? I am, yeah, yeah. How long have you been doing comedy in Nashville? Almost seven years. Seven years. Amazing. You're a full-time comedian, living the dream. What did you do before that? Social work. Ooh la la. That's a good industry to get out of. Yeah, it was...

It's pretty wild. A lot of boring stories. I know. Helping people sucks. It's the worst. What do you do for fun? I don't know. Fucking nothing. I'm like the whitest person you'll meet. It's just kind of... I do comedy. That's it. When you say that you're the whitest person that I'll meet, what do you mean by that? I don't know. Honestly, I just said that and I was like, that's the whitest thing I could have said right there. Fucking I don't know.

I have no fucking clue, dude. I don't know. That's a great point. I actually, I did this show like six and a half years ago when you guys came to Nashville. Oh, okay. Tell us about it. How'd that go? Not good. Don't look it up. Um...

Yeah, it sucked. At one point, I think you were like, you're the most boring fucking person I've ever talked to in my life. Well, luckily, Jamie was here earlier, so you're basically fucking Richard Pryor right now. Oh, yeah. Fuck you, Jamie. No, I'm kidding. I don't know him. I'm sorry. How great would that be if you just had a gunshot in the back?

I don't know. You should make it so when people search that set of yours, they see Fiona's Snapchats. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. Describe it for us. Describe the Snapchats? Yeah. I found out she was taller than me. I'll tell you that much. That was because she was standing. All right. Nope. Don't remember that. Cool. Okay. That's where I lose you guys. All right. Cool.

I love it. Well, Matt, congratulations. We're at the end of the show. You did it. There's a big joke book. Congratulations. Thank you, guys. Have fun rolling with Fiona. Absolutely. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that part of the night where only one thing could possibly happen to send us home. A man so great, so powerful, that many say controls the weather. Some people say that it was him that

is the true son of God. Yeah. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla. Some people call him the Popsicle Prince. Some have called him the Tijuana Tarantula, the Wisconsin Winona, the Lady Bird Lover, the... the Pflugerville Fish,

Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the big red machine, the one and only Hall of Famer, William Montgomery. That is very correct. I am the fucking Popsicle Prince and I do control the weather. To me, the biggest mystery about the Trump assassination attempt is how in the hell did Hillary Clinton's fat ass climb up on the roof of that building?

My girlfriend wants me to consider a brother-husband. What the fuck does that even mean? Guess y'all heard the news Dr. Ruth died. Rest in peace to the woman who taught me how to orgasm. I'm developing a new subdivision aimed at attracting middle-class working Italian families. I'm going to call it Pizzagate. Okay, that's my time. William lights out.

Lady Bird lover Montgomery. I am the person dumping the bodies in the lake of Lady Bird. Tony, I've had enough this past week. I was looking at Gator, my sweet little dog. I was looking at her shit. I'm always looking at her shit, and I actually found a worm this past week, Tony, and we took her to the vet. Yeah. Yeah.

And we took her to the vet and the doctor says it's not a parasite. So now we're taking her to some real expensive place in Sedona, Arizona this coming week. It's costing like $10,000. The doctor, I found a worm in Gator's shit.

And now this doctor here in Austin is telling us that's not the case. And I found online there's a great guy in Sedona, Arizona. What's the guy in Sedona going to do? He specializes, Tony. And if your dog, if you're sure your dog has worms, but the veterinarian says it doesn't have worms, he specializes in stuff like that.

I found it online. Seriously, I was searching. I was so scared. Tony is the scaredest I've been in forever. So the vet said it doesn't have a parasite. Everything is okay. The dog will be fine. And you went online, found a guy in Sedona that searches through dog shit. Because I found a worm and gator shit, Tony. I got that part. Red Band keeps repeating that that's very normal. It's very normal. Red Band has worms in his shit. Yeah, he has worms in his shit, probably. I have two shits in my shit.

Got all the nasty shit. He eats food off the street. I don't know if people know that. That's probably... That's my thing. Stressed. Chad, have you seen William before? I haven't. How are you, Chad? I'm great. Cool.

What do you do? Are you a comedian or what do you do? Oh my God. William, why do you do that to the guests? That's what I forgot to tell you guys earlier. It's okay. Remember when I said I feel like I'm forgetting something? What I forgot to tell you guys was sometimes William takes shot at the guests to not worry about it. That wasn't. Really, I swear it wasn't. He has a bad reputation for it. He's like, what?

William, what are you doing? Are you starting shit over there? No, I'm not. Why are you looking fat up and down like that? Yeah, he's sizing me up all of a sudden. I think I can kick the shit out of you. Whoa, whoa, William. I think I can fucking beat your fucking ass. Do not check. Yeah, no, and I ask again. So what are you, a comic or something? Whoa, William. I can take your fucking ass. Whoa, William, don't do that. William, don't do that. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

My fucking dog has worms, Tony, and the vet is telling me that this is the first time in my life I've been gaslit, Tony. Isn't that what gaslighting is? When you know something's true, but people are telling you it's not true. It's been the worst fucking week of my life.

It was kind of a dumb idea. Normally, you're good at that. That was kind of a stupid fucking deal on that one. That was a good one. Why are you turning on everybody? Yeah. Because I'm not happy right now. Because of the worm in the poo? And I got blisters. Wait, what? I got blisters on my feet. I've been wearing these shoes. I haven't worn these shoes a lot. Oh, those shoes are fucking terrible.

I thought for a second you were about to say you liked them or something. Oh, gosh. You don't like them? Why would you wear shoes that give you blisters? William, you're rich now.

Don't say that. Why don't you want people to know? Here's an example. I literally get back from fucking Vancouver, Canada. All the shows are wonderful. They take fucking... I'm paid in Canadian dollars. Once that is transferred to American dollars, it's like $10,000 less dollars. Then there's a fucking $5,000 tax. Some fucking weird Canadian tax up there. So no, I mean, it's not good. I ended up losing money this past weekend. Well, you didn't lose money exactly, but it's...

fucking sucks. I gambled up there, Tony. Tell me about your gambling. Oh, man. I've been playing blackjack. They've been calling me blackjack at the blackjack table and I've been... I was doing so good in Vancouver and then I just started losing every fucking... Have you ever played blackjack before? Oh, you're talking to Chad, making amends. Here we go. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

You're a tough guy. You're kind of tough on that one. That was kind of like a tough guy fucking response. You asked me a question and I answered your question. Tell your fucking story, dude. Bacon soda! Yeah, do you see what you just fucking did? Did I see what I just fucking did? Yeah, do you see what you just fucking did? Did I just see what I just fucking did? I know what I just fucking did. I put a worm in your dog's shit, bro. Oh, wow!

I'm just going to let this storm settle. See what happens here. I kind of like this. I'm going to let this go. I mean, it's like I'm joking around and then you start making fun about how I talk. I mean, that seemed kind of... Why would you do that? I was blatantly joking around and then you come at my fucking ass making fun of how I talk.

At least I have a distinctive way of talking. You sound like some fucking just idiot when you talk. Oh, my God. You sound like some fucking boring old white dude when you talk, dumbass. Oh, my God. I couldn't even do it in front of you, dumbass. Because you're the dumb thing you need.

William, what did I tell you about turning on guests like that? No, seriously, how would I do an impression? Talk, say something else. You don't sound any kind of way. Are you guys like old friends or something like that? I don't know about it. What is going on right now? This is absolutely incredible. It's like you make fun of how I fucking talk. You say something about my fucking dog.

You've never met Gator. Oh, my God. William, you are out of control right now. Look at how serious. Oh, he winked at him. There's the wink. Yeah, whatever. That was a true wink. He's known for his winks. There's the sound of his wink. Oh, there it is. It's been a long time since we've seen the wink. He's making up with Chad. I've seen seven, eight.

about eight winks at chad okay i'm not doing it anymore chad chad did you did you are you think did you wink back at william i i've not winked back at you if you want to oh i've not we're back at william no wonder you don't talk up here william you're out of control tonight

William, I can't have... How am I supposed to book some of the best comedians in the world on this show when every time I have one on, you take shots like this and you... He made fun of how I talked. You know what that does. That's not how you were talking. How was I talking? You were taking it up. You were being dramatic. How was that a sound? He's going to make fun of you again if you keep asking him that. I'm not going to make fun of you. Come on. Oh, there we go.

I'm sorry. Yeah, you just missed everything. Wait, hold on. Who are you? Are you a comedian? Who's this guy? You motherfucker. I'm sorry. I had to pee really badly. I missed a lot. Do you have any worms in your pee? It fucking hurt. I might, but I think it's just whiskey. Yeah, no doubt about it. William, anything else we should know about? Very interesting appearance tonight.

I can't really now. I can't think of too much going to. We'll see. I mean, hopefully my voice holds up. I really did a number on my voice in Vancouver this past week. You've been talking about your voice for a long time. You think you're going to rest it anytime soon or anything like that? Tony, I don't know if I'm back.

All right, we did it again. That's another episode of Kill Tony brought to you by Game Time and Zip Recruiter. Make some noise for Sam Morrell, everybody. You've changed on Amazon Prime. One more time for Chad Daniels, everyone. Empty Nester out now on Netflix. Watch these guys' stand-up specials. Truly two of the best out now.

The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. It's great. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muehling, John Dees, Andy Madness, who's peeing for the fifth time in two hours, ladies and gentlemen. It's unbelievable. Madison Square Garden. A lot of huge announcements coming that are going to shock the world. Red Band, check out the Sunset Strip, ATX.com. I love how you all go,

All right. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.