#674 - SAM TALLENT + ARI MATTI
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah. Make some noise for Brian Redman, everybody. Hi.

And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Bare Bones tonight. The Madness woke up with a backache. So no D, no horn players, but we have the great Michael Gonzalez here tonight. Powerful Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. And the one and only John Bees on the keys. The absolute Bare Bones band tonight. They have a new Instagram at Kill Tony Band. There you go. The Kill Tony Band. Look out. There you go.

We're going to have a lot of fun tonight, a lot of exciting stuff in store. Shout out to Waze to Well. Waze, the number two well, a lot of great stuff happening over there. Stem cells, IV drips, absolutely everything you can imagine. Exciting stuff going on. So with no further ado, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim forever.

a few shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

You guys ready to start tonight's show? Yeah!

Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians on. One of these guests was just on very recently, and I love him so goddamn much that I had to have him back because he's in town, and he's one of the best in the world. The other guest tonight, it is his first time ever being on panel. You know these guys. You love them. Make some noise for Sam Tallon and Ari Matty! ♪

very very exciting ari mcgill tony regular rotating regular turned panelist here tonight the estonian assassin ari maddy's first time at the table welcome hell yes welcome

Look at you, working on your American accent. Yes, I am, actually. Hello. I have an intolerance. For those of you that don't know, we're trying as fast as we can to get Ari Matty, his American citizenship. We are in a race against time. What do we have, seven months? Six months now. Six months. Every single week, it goes down one month somehow. It is incredible. We are on a mission from God.

Sam Talent is back. What happened to that Visa paper I signed for you? It didn't count? No, it counted. That's the one I'm on right now, my little angel. All right. Sam Talent, one of the great guests in the history of the show, is back. Thank you, guys.

Thank you. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. Yeah, I'm glad to be here. Thank you to Kill Tony Nation for somehow selling out my shows in Batavia, Illinois last weekend. Thank you. The Kill Tony bump is real and Sam is out on tour. SamTalent.com

with two L's in the middle. He's an abs truly one of the best standups working today. And we're happy to have you back at the helm here. Thanks for having me. Ari Maddy's first time on panel. Ari, you know very well how the show works, but just in case you don't know, 260 human beings signed up for the chance, the opportunity to get up on this show tonight. Anything can happen online.

We know barely any of them. Some of them traveled in today. Some of them have been signing up for months after months after months. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. I conduct an interview. We talk to them. We find out what's interesting about them, what else maybe they could talk about out of their entire lives. The whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Woo!

That's a crazy name. We're going to go wrangle the first bucket pool while we do. We're going to bring up a golden ticket winner to start tonight's show. Very, very exciting stuff. Out of our rotating opening regulars, this is a different situation. We have a golden ticket winner in the house. You know him. How many of you are diehard fans of Kill Tony? Yeah!

Oh, look at this retard going pee right now. Perfect. You waited until the very, very start of the show. Absolute morons we have here. Running into cameramen and photographers on his way out. I mean, you gotta love my fan base. It is absolutely insane. Absolute fucking morons.

Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds legendary golden ticket winner make some noise for the great and powerful Martin Phillips! Cool, what's up? Hey, uh, I was, um, I was cackling the other day, uh, and I was like, here, uh, psst, psst, yeah, you know, and...

It never works. So then I was like, hey, get that ass over here. Cool. Last summer, I moved here from Virginia. Before I moved, they passed the porn ban law. That thing is passed in here in Texas. This law keeps following me around. I don't know what I did. I don't know who to blame. I think it's my parents. I think...

I'm 18 and older, damn it, you know, so... At my own loss, got that Martin Walsh porn. Okay, cool. My sister has kids and they have a lot of energy. A lot of energy comes from food. So when I babysit, I starve them. So...

All right, cool. Martin Phillips, a minute, seven seconds to start the show. Martin!

Sam, what do you think about Martin tonight? Martin's the man, dude. I'm a huge Martin fan. We were on a show in the past where I accused you of having child pornography. And now that clip has been like... That's the clip? That's the clip, yeah. That clip's going around. Yes, and it's going around in a very specific community. Yeah. But it's like on hood memes and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like 30,000 comments on hood memes. And then my black friends will hit me up and be like, damn, you did this squiggly motherfucker bad. I respect that. That is incredible. You are indeed a squiggly motherfucker, Martin. Absolutely consistently hilarious. I love your set tonight. Cat calling.

Who were you doing this to? Where were these women at? Oh, no, my apartment complex has a lot of stray cats. Oh, beautiful. That was actually about cats, not women. Got it. Yeah. You are from Virginia, which I was reminded of during your set, and also by your everything else. Yeah. What relatives had to fuck for you to end up like this? Oh, yeah.

Who knows? It's a long, long line. It is incredible. Oh, no, my dad is sadly from Mississippi, so I think we solved it there. It's all those people. There's a porn band following you around. Yeah, be careful. Yeah, no doubt about it. You must jerk off crazy, bro. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Only if I use this hand. Oh, yeah. The old lasso. Look at him go. Yee-hoo! I love it. Get out the magic wand and bless it. There it is. Whip it good. There it is.

I love it. Is your dick also bent every wacky direction? Uh, no, no. I'd imagine your dick is shaped like the letter S. Oh, I didn't... That's the sound. That's what I picture you jerking off sounding like. When he gets a boner, it looks like an applause meter. It's like...

I love it. Martin, what else? What have you been doing for fun in beautiful Austin, Texas? Not taking the stairs. No, actually, I don't. Surprisingly, I don't like elevators because I have a fear of getting stuck. So I make it worse for myself, actually, by taking stairs. Wow. Your calves are cut, though. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, so, anyway. Anyway, okay, you're segueing us out of our own questions. Very good. Moving things along here. Would you like to ask us some questions, perhaps? I guess. You don't take the stairs either. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Oh my goodness. Wow. The squiggly versus the jiggly. It's a battle of the titans we have here tonight. Absolutely incredible. Martin Phillips.

I love it, man. I fucking love it. You're out here killing it. You have a Taylor Swift shirt on. Have you seen her live? I'm not bringing me the shirt because I didn't have $900 hanging around. Right.

I was at the last concert. I saw Taylor Swift before it cost thousands of dollars. So I'm an OG. I was there. You're a Swifty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a Shifty Swifty. Yeah.

Now, Ari, in your home country of Estonia, he would have been euthanized at birth. They would have left him on a rock and let the crows eat him. Holy shit.

They would have stoned him. Not Disney, not Disney. I love it. No thanks. And Martin, you're doing comedy full-time now? At least for the summer. You know, school is out, but I've been doing it out in town. That is true. I forgot you're a substitute teacher. Yeah, yeah. So I always...

do comedy full time in the summer. - Perfect. - Yeah, it's been good. - Absolutely. And what else? Been on any dates or anything lately? - Not quite yet, but this one chick, Mousetrap, she was like, "You remind me of my ex-boyfriend."

Looks promising. Oh, yeah. I don't know. Who was your ex-boyfriend? Earthworm Jim? That's what I was thinking. I was like, is that a good thing? That was a video game, Ari. Yeah, so I am somebody's type. I got somebody out there. Dude, I would pay so much money to watch you cum. It must be. It is true. Well, actually, I don't know.

If the price is right, you know what I mean? Hey. Dude, how come you have so many wrist accessories? They put these on me to...

State not get kicked out here. Here? Yeah. Door guys here? Yeah. Oh, they have no respect whatsoever, these fucking door guys. I thought it was a lot, too. Yeah. No, it is. It's a lot. That's a hazard for you. That could get caught on things. Yeah. Well, it would break easily. Absolutely. Or someone with erratic arms. That is dangerous. Only this one's erratic. This one. Oh, yeah. That one's normal for sure. Yeah.

"Wait, thank you. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's talk to your liver." Hell yeah.

This is not alcoholic. The damage been done. Martin Phillips, you are an absolute consistent killer. Way to get it started tonight. Great fucking stuff. And here we go. The bucket of destiny has spoken. This is where we meet people all together. Anything can happen. This is where we met every regular, every golden ticket winner.

These people are very excited. They could have the moment of their life. They could have the worst moment of their life. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to your first bucket bowl tonight. Phoenix Provocateur. Phoenix Provocateur. Oh my goodness. Here we go. All right, breeders, buckle up. So I love whenever I hear conservative men give a fuck about anything but themselves.

Especially when they say shit like, "Trans women shouldn't be able to use the women's restroom." Because all I hear is, "I want titties in the men's restroom." When I was deciding on going through with my medical transition or not, I kind of just put it on a final scale of, "Alright, do you really want to wear dresses or do you really want to wear suits? Do you really want to pay for hair and nails or do you want to wear the hair and nails?" And the only thing that made me want to stay in my masculinity was, "Oh, there's rights over here."

But I'm black so I'll figure it out later. I do think that being trans is more about capitalism instead of self expression. Only because I'm gonna have tits, a dick, and a grip, I'll be able to go anywhere and fuck anything I want to.

Thank you. My name is Phoenix Provocateur. Phoenix Provocateur. Welcome to the show. You know, I always say what I love about this bucket and this show is that we get all different types of people, all different shapes and sizes of human beings, and you are a perfect example of what I'm talking about.

This is absolutely incredible. I get it. Welcome to the show. Where should we even begin? Dude, America is crazy.

I love it. Phoenix, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I started last October. Okay. What made you want to start stand-up last October? I've been an entertainer for a while, and I've always watched comedy kind of for a far, and I was like, why don't I just throw my foot, or my stilettos in the hat and see what happens. Yeah, well, your foot couldn't fit in the hat, so that's perfect. What kind of... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

I don't fucking know. I'm short-circuited. I did. I did. What kind of entertainment were you doing before? I started as a competitive dancer in high school and did that through college, and then I did drag after that whenever I couldn't become a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader because I have a nine-inch dick. Oh, wow. This is absolutely incredible.

I'm black before I'm pretty, but... That's amazing. That is unbelievable. I have 430 more questions. This is amazing. I have a question. Can we see it? No? I tried.

That was a good attempt. That was a good attempt. So Phoenix, I mean, my goodness, here we are. You tried to be a Cowboys cheerleader. Is that true? I didn't try, but I was kind of like trained and I danced with a lot of the girls that are on the team and even some of the hip hop team that they have. Right. But I just, I was like, fuck it. I don't want to do that. I love it. Might not have been able to be a cheerleader. You should try it out for tight end. It'd be good for the league.

My guess is that end isn't so tight anymore. It's tighter than my boyfriend's. Wait, it's tighter than your boyfriend's? Yeah, because I have a dick. Well, wouldn't his be loose?

No, mine is tighter than his. There you go. I got it. There we go. It's hard for me to think when all the blood is rushed down to my penis. I'm at a little bit of a disadvantage right now. I'm trying to pay attention. All right. You must be thinking of so many slurs. I don't even know where to begin. I love it. So, Phoenix, how do you make a living now?

Go on, girl. Basically, just through drag. My boyfriend works, so I don't really... What does your boyfriend do? He's a crane operator. He's a crane operator. He needs it to move that thing around. Beep, beep, beep, beep. There it is. There it is.

I can't. Oh my goodness. She would have been euthanized in your home country. Absolutely incredible. That's why he came here. Oh yeah. Absolutely. A little taste of Phoenix. So what made you go with the name Phoenix Provocateur?

Well, honestly, it was my drag name at first. I went with a different one. It was Carmella Delight, but I felt like it made me seem too nice, but...

But I'm more bitchy, so I'd rather be the bitch that's nice than the nice person that's mean or whatever. You know, it's a different thing. I feel the exact same way. I love it. So what was your joke about conservative men? I kind of didn't get it at the beginning. They want to see titties in the restroom. Explain that to me. I was basically just saying that, like, they're fighting against, like, letting trans women in the restroom. So they want people like me to be in the men's restroom, and I'm...

Where do you want to go to the restroom at? Where do you want to take a hot... On my chest? Meet me in stall number two. Okay. All right. I've always been curious. I'm going to go do my stretches.

I forgot the question. I'm sorry. You have a great sense of humor. I love how you're rolling with everything. What restroom do you want to use? What makes you most comfortable? Well, I use the women's restroom. Right. I'm a little too hyper feminine to even attempt. Even when I go to like the gym and stuff, I just kind of like...

avoid going to the lockers in general because I don't... I found that, like, in my position, I'm either going to be the victim or potentially, like, make somebody else feel like the victim. And in those situations, I just...

Wait till I get home. Can you give us an example? Because I'm curious. I genuinely don't know anything. I have just been hanging out at comedy clubs and now I'm a Texan. So life's crazy out here in Texas. How long have you lived here? My whole life. Right. You're born and raised in Texas. Austin? All over. Yep. Great. You look like you could be the mayor of Austin. Really. Yeah.

So give me an example of something that's happened to you. Cause I always hear this restroom debate, like in a locker room or a restroom, what's like the worst thing that's happened to you when you say you could be the victim? I'm curious to know, like what what's happened.

This was probably a couple years ago. I haven't really had an issue since. But I was in college out in Nacogdoches, East Texas. Nacogdoches? Jack my axe, yeah. Oh my god, that sounds like a dangerous place for someone like you. It is. It is. Especially if I'm dancing on the 50-yard line for the football games. Absolutely. It was pretty intense. But...

But I was selling tickets for a fucking competition or whatever, and this dad came in. What kind of competition? A dance competition. Okay. It was like, I think it was like high schoolers and middle school dance thing. We were just hosting it. No, what dad could possibly have a problem with you selling tickets to middle schoolers for an event? I wasn't selling tickets. Okay, all right, Jesus Christ. Don't get mad at me now. We're not in Nacogdoches anymore. Oh my gosh.

It's easier to get the kids in if they don't have to use money. Okay. I was... I don't even think there were tickets. I think there were like pamphlets as people were coming in to say the schedule of the day. What kind of dad would have a problem with you handing out middle schoolers pamphlets? Uh...

This is great. I know I would love it if a seven foot tall dragon lady was handing my kids pamphlets or something. Yeah. They must have thought you were from the future. Right. This was back in like 2017. So he was ahead of his time with this. But like he basically threw a fit in front of my coach and everybody was like, I don't want that thing going to the bathroom.

And I was like, I'm standing at the front door outside in 72 heat or degree weather in fucking Nacogdoches, Texas. Right. I don't want your little snot nose. I fucking hate kids. Right. Yeah. I think that you should be able to go to the bathroom in the ladies room. That way your dick doesn't get in the urinal. Or so you don't try to suck it. Whoa. Sam. Sam is getting lit up. Sam is getting lit up tonight.

I'm a fan of the movement. Absolutely incredible. Phoenix, I love it. So what else do you do for fun? Tell us more about the life of Phoenix Provocateur. I travel for like drag and stuff whenever I can. I just did a show in Midland at the beginning of last month and then I was in Nashville. Is there anywhere you go to visit where racism isn't rampant?

No. I feel like I did a show on a burning cross the other night. I've actually done one in a church. What? I've done a drag show in a church before. You did? I have. Wow. In Midland, Texas. Wow. Church of Satan? Absolutely incredible.

No, just a bunch of white people. So, Phoenix, have you always kind of identified as a woman? Is that how that works? Am I saying that right? Sure. Okay. Um...

He's really trying, Phoenix. Oh, I know. I'm trying my best. I'm a shit-talking Texan. I'm not going to use any bad words with you. I'm more Texan than you are. You're in my territory, sweetie. Well, looks like we're about to have a big dick competition. Whoa, Jesus. Oh, my God. Holy shit. She's going to lasso you.

Wow. You got to help me get it from between my shoulder blades first, though. Oh, my goodness. So tell us, what else? What hobbies or anything else other than drag? Just dancing. I sew sometimes. I don't really wear wigs, but I got some. It's just creative stuff, basically. That's all natural up there.

For this quarter. For this quarter. I had to think about it. Are those... Did you get... Are those... What's that? They're growing. They're growing. So you're like on... Hormones, yeah. Hormones. It's been about a year as of like the 15th of last month. How do you feel on them? Emotional. Yeah. You feel like a real bitch. Yeah. Do the tits make it easier to go to war with Alien? Yeah.

Most guys aren't worried about these at all when they know I have that. What comes out of them? Oat milk? Or muscle milk? I'm not exactly...

Where does muscle milk come from? I'd imagine... It's your dad's cum. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. My 76-year-old hobbled father. I was wondering why he's been walking with a walker the last few times I've seen him. Now it makes sense. He's getting fucked. I mean...

She's fucking your dad in the head. Yeah, exactly. He was fine last year, and then this last visit, he's hobbling around. It's all making so much sense. So, Phoenix, you live here in Austin? Yes. And what are some of your favorite local spots so that I know where I can accidentally run into? Besides the mothership? Uh-huh. You seem more of like a fathership kind of guy. Yeah.

I don't even. Yeah, besides the mothership, what else in this city? You like live music? I do. Live music, good restaurants. I haven't tried a lot of stuff growing up, so I'm still learning. Come on. I haven't. You tried stuff. You were just putting the meat in the wrong hole.

Sure. Sure. I love it. Well, Phoenix, very fun times, very fun interview. Uh,

You know, you are, your minute kind of green, but promising. You're definitely a polarizing figure, very compelling, very interesting to watch, and a great interview. I love this show because, you know, these people, different, like I said, shapes, sizes, mentalities, backgrounds come here, and the fact that we can all laugh together and roll with everything together and you don't sue me or anything afterwards is...

Perfect and amazing. Here's a little joke book to commemorate your start. Oh, shit. I almost made it in between those fucking... She's a real woman. Oh, shit. Oh, my goodness. Make some goddamn noise for Phoenix Provocateur, everybody. Very fun start to the bucket tonight. Hell yeah. Congratulations, Phoenix. Welcome. We'll see you around.

You guys are out of control. This band is out of control.

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Alright, your next bucket pool ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds going to Adrian Escamilla everybody. I used to worship the devil, like worship the devil, then she moved out and took the kids. Here's an idea for a new Netflix film, The Running Time is about two and a half hours. It's a story about a man who's been scrolling on Netflix for about two and a half hours. This film is rated PG for Please Get a Life.

AOC Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be starring in a remake of the science fiction classic The Fly, only now it's going to be called The Horsefly. On the subject of filthy animals that you can ride, Jada Pinkett Smith, yes. Actually, after what happened to Chris Rock at the Academy Awards, I think we ought to dedicate the entire month of March to Chris Rock. We'll call it March for Chris Rock. What do you think? Make it a public holiday like Lincoln's birthday, who coincidentally was attacked by Doreen's actor himself. John Wilkes Baldwin was his name, right? Thank you.

Okay. Adrian Escamilla. Are you the dad that made fun of my sweet angel Phoenix? You bastard. I don't know. It's okay, Adrian. Sam?

It's just brutal for him to have to follow Phoenix. Oh, yeah. It is a transition. It is a tough follow, no doubt about it. The person before you, super charismatic and entertaining, and you come in the world's laziest ninja turtle. This is incredible. Adrian, how long have you been doing stand-up? Since 2013. Well, actually, technically the first time I tried was 2009, but...

Wow. 11 years in the game. And wow. What do you do for a living? I work at home. I'm a payment processor. You're processing payments at home? Yeah. Laundering shit, you know. Can we get your hands out of your pockets, please? Thank you.

Absolutely incredible. What's the band-aid on the arm for? Oh, I just donated plasma today. So we're finding out how you really make money. Absolutely. Yeah. How often do you do that? Twice a week. I made 300 today. Wow. Balling out of control, ladies and gentlemen. It hurt like a son of a bitch. It's printed on that Joker shirt. That's good. It hurt like a son of a bitch, but, you know. It is so scary to think that if we get into an accident, it could be your blood put into us. You're right.

I mean, there's really no quality check whatsoever. Okay. Adrian, what else in life? What are some hobbies? What else are you doing? What's distracting you from getting better at stand-up comedy? Ouch.

Well, technically, this isn't what I usually do for... I'm setting myself up here. Technically, I don't tell jokes on stage. Usually when I get on stage, I don't talk at all. This is like the first time in a long time I've told jokes. What do you do when you get on stage? I would love to show you, but they won't let me bring up my deal here. Your what? I usually use like a prop or something that like... It's like a performance deal, but like they won't let me use it. What is it? A performance deal? Describe it better than that. It's like a... It's a scooper and like use it to make things sing.

A scooper. I use it to play the music. It's pretty cool, I think. A lot of people like it. You use a scooper to play music. They play music and I use it. They play music and you use it. Does anybody in the band know? Does anybody have his scooper? Where do we keep his scooper at? He has a USB drive with music on, so that's...

Oh, you have it ready. And you're excited. Is it trademarked music? Because YouTube will flag us. That's what I was worried about. Yeah, we're a show on that network. Yeah. Bummer. Well, there goes that idea. So it's trademarked copyrighted music. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, you've put yourself in quite the hole here, Adrian. And you sure that's not the one with CP on it? What?

Hands out of the pockets. So you have a scooper and music plays. So can you give us an example of a song that plays with your scooper? Name any song and I can play it. I can use the scooper with it. Beethoven's Fifth. All right. How about you use your hand? I can't do that. Why can't you do that? You're so stuck to the scooper art. Bring it out here.

Let someone bring it out here. Where is it? It's by the entrance. Okay, somebody grab his fucking scooper. Jesus Christ almighty. Oh my God. Is that it? This is what you lug around with you to perform art? Okay, John Dees, I need you to play something that's not an actual famous song so that YouTube doesn't flag it. Here we go. One, two, a one, two, three, four. Anyone gonna sing it?

What? I need someone to sing. Okay, Sam? This was easier than writing a joke. I do this instead of actually trying at comedy. This is the thing that keeps me from killing myself. I will have my revenge on Tony Hinchcliffe. I will use his skin as a mask.

This looks like Mario should be dodging it. This looks like Luigi lives in fear of it. Now I know why your forearms are so strong. I'm going to stop you right there. Thank you. I mean, how about a hand for Sam Talent? Carrying the comedy part of the scooper act.

Adrian, grab that microphone. Matt Muehling is even jumping in here. He literally only talks once every six months, saying that's really the whole fucking bit. What's crazy is I always host the show, and I have the same fucking question for you. You, after 10 or 11 years of comedy experience, you have...

decided that a scooper, which, by the way, I agree with my entire team, is a safety hazard. That's not how you use that, you know? You usually use it to clean up shit. Yeah, that's what I was worried about. How long have you been using that scooper as a comedic prop? It started, like, around the pandemic. We all went a little crazy. Absolutely. Yeah.

What else did you do to the scooper during the pandemic? Don't ask. You know, Ari, I don't know if you know this, but after seeing his prop act, I must say that if he was born in Estonia, he would have been euthanized. By the Arts Council. Yeah.

That really is unbelievable. That was nuts. I don't want to critique you too hard because I'm pretty sure this is how Hitler was made. The vaccine fucked this country up. That's that booster, dude. That is true. It is true. Are you vaccinated and boosted? No. Okay, that's why you're allowed to donate plasma. Am I correct? They don't take the plasma vaccinated boosted people. They don't give a shit. They just want the blood.

- Sounds like you. - I want the blood. - Adrian Escamillo, well, I wish you the best of luck, man. I really think you need it. I encourage you to take chances creatively and try things outside of the scooper. It seems like you've really boxed yourself in. I'd imagine you do a lot of open mics, correct?

Absolutely. Right. And the comedians laugh because you're doing something so different. But there's no way that works in real life. And if you make it, you're going to have to split the check with the scooper. That's true. Here's a little joke book. There you go. Adrian Escamilla. Oh, my goodness. That was fucking crazy. That scooper is going to be my nightmares, dude.

That might be one of the craziest commitments to art that I've ever seen. He couldn't even do the thing. He's dependent on someone else doing the thing. Yeah. Jesus. He can't. Yeah. There's so much wrong with that. Somehow, Phoenix Provocateur is the best bucket pool of the night so far. Oh, yeah. We're going to see how things go from here. Make some noise. This guy's been on this show before. Make some noise for Bobby Brown Jr. Right out of the bucket. Here he is.

Hell yeah! I'm living my dream doing comedy right now man, this shit crazy you know. Thank you, but when I was a kid I had a different dream. I really wanted to be an actor when I was a kid. I used to beg my mom. I was like, "Mom, please! Let me audition for Nickelodeon, please mom!" Yeah, little did I know, I was begging to get fucked! That's weird. Did y'all see the Nickelodeon documentaries? It's kind of crazy man. They had all kind of weird requirements.

Dan Snyder said, "Apparently if you want to be on Nick at Night, you gotta start taking dick at night." Yeah, when they said get slimed, nigga, they meant get slimed. Netflix offered those people three million dollars to tell the stories about what happened to them, you know? And when the documentary came out, my mom made me watch it with her, right? She was like, "Look, Bobby, look what I saved you from." I had to remind her, "Ma, these people just made three million dollars."

You didn't save me, Ma. You cock-blocked me. That's what happened. Thank you guys so much. All right. Bobby Brown Jr.

Welcome back to the show. What up, Tony? How's it going? I'm doing great, man. Good to see you. I love it. Good to see you. Very fun. Good set. Rock solid. How long have you been doing stand-up again? Almost six years now. Six years. Where was most of that at? Jacksonville, Florida, man. Okay, man. Dang. What are you giggling at? Six years. Wait till you get to the scooper. What?

It is true. You've only just begun compared to the last comedian. I think you look great without the makeup, Phoenix. I'm just kidding. I know Bobby. He's very funny. We've worked together before. Good to see you again, buddy. You too, man. Only black guy in a corduroy hat that I trust. Because you're the only one. What exactly would you trust him with?

Uh, well... A house? I could watch a house. You could watch my house. From the outside. Yeah. That is correct. Incredible. Bobby, where'd you get those necklaces at? Uh, I got one of them from Walmart. Uh-huh. And how about the other exact matching necklace?

This one came out one of those gumball machines. So they really are. Yeah. Yeah, I was going to make a joke about it, then I stopped myself because I thought maybe that was actually one of the answers, and I was correct. Incredible. Tell us about your living situation, Bobby. Oh, I'm actually very excited you asked me this, Tony, because a couple weeks ago...

Y'all had an episode come out in the YouTube arena. Congratulations. You let Cam Patterson tell 3 million people that I was homeless. Uh-huh. I have an apartment, guys. I got an apartment. Wow. Yeah. Thank you. Bobby, I'm going to say this in Tony's defense. No one lets Cam Patterson do anything. He does whatever he wants. Yeah. It's true. I have an apartment, though. It's good. Okay. How many roommates? One. One.

Why the long um? I don't know. Yeah, it's one. I promise. You promise? Now I really don't believe you. Why would you promise such a thing? How many living roommates, Bobby? Yeah. With a name like Bobby Brown Jr., I definitely don't want to use your bathtub. I know that. That was a great joke. That was a great joke. Yeah.

But you are no relation to the actual Bobby Brown. You just like going by Bobby Brown Jr. because it makes people think you might be that Bobby Brown Jr. and it gives you more opportunities and lets you in places that you wouldn't normally get in. Isn't that correct? I know this for a fact. The answer is yes. Yes. Yes, it is. Absolutely.

It's actually a weird situation. My name is Bobby Brown Jr. because my dad was Bobby Sr. I'm Tony Soprano III. I actually just found out a couple years ago that I have a different biological dad though. I'm named Jr. after somebody who's not my dad. Wow. Congratulations. We have a special award. Blackest guy of the night. Yeah.

Wait, no, I'm getting word Phoenix is actually the recipient of that award. Do you have to change your name to Michael Vick Jr.? He was a football player. The dogs, I know. Yes, the dogs. Absolutely. This new apartment...

Bobby Brown Jr., how are you paying your rent? I work at the airport now. I push people, old people and disabled people, I push them in wheelchairs to their gates. Ooh, you're a wheelchair pusher. Yeah. Oh, there's someone that thinks that's a good job over there. Wow, there's a real stupid bitch over there. Absolutely incredible. She thinks you're doing a good deed. She's probably a nice lady. Okay. Who are the worst tippers?

Like what, race? Sure, let's start there. Read the room, dummy. Can you read that? Oh, shit. It's not because he's black, by the way. It's because he's stupid. No, I'm kidding. Tell us about pushing people in wheelchairs. Disabled people are kind of funny. I know, that first guy was great. Yeah.

That's pretty much the whole thing in this show. No, they're real supportive. I pushed a lady who goes to a school for the blind here in Austin. So I was pushing her in the wheelchair. She was just asking me about her life. I told her I do comedy and stuff like that. And she was real supportive. But one time, not even one time, she kept saying, I can't wait to see you on Netflix someday. Mm-hmm.

She's blind. Yeah, that's what I realized. Right. I thought she was being nice, and then I realized after she was blind, so... Yeah. You showed her, though. You pushed her to the wrong gate.

You're flying spirit, bitch. Incredible. Wow. So you have blind people. Anything else crazy ever happen at the airport? I mean, homeless people try to break in and sleep there, you know, but... That's your thing. Yeah, exactly. That's why you stumbled on how many roommates you have. It's a real house, Tony. Yeah, right. You have your own bedroom? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. That sounded sketchy. Yeah, dude. You have your own bathroom. You don't share a bathroom with anybody? I don't think so, no. You don't think so? No. Bobby, are you still homeless? Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. So what else? What do you do for fun? I started... I go to the movies now out here in Austin. You go to the movies? Yeah. Listen, it's...

Moving here, I had to find some new shit to do that's fun. They don't got beaches out here like I'm used to, so I don't know. Yeah, those Jacksonville beaches. Hey, you know. Oh, yeah, man. You should come one day. I have been out there. That's how I got Hep C. What do you do when you go to the beaches of Jacksonville? I mean, you walk on the beach. You walk on the beach. Yeah.

You don't do anything else? There's sharks in there. You're not finna swim or nothing. You gotta be vigilant. They don't like dark meat. You can use that, Bobby. I have no use for it. Bobby, you've been on this show before. Did you ever get a big joke book? I did. I got one, Tony. There you go. Congratulations, Bobby. Great stuff. There he goes. Bobby Brown Jr. We're gonna keep it moving along.

And what are the odds that his position out of the bucket was perfect to bring up a man who believes in Bobby Brown Jr., a person who I do believe put Bobby up in his apartment for a while. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, this is a brand new minute from our very own Cam Patterson. That nigga still homeless. 100%.

I recently was in Fort Wayne, Indiana and I went to a tractor pool. Oh, you've heard of this? It's just like this. It's a lot of white people, but y'all are like really nice. Y'all look like good black people. They was like, "How did you find out about our meeting?" A tractor pool is like a Klan rally with a theme.

At one point they started booing one of the racers and it was just me and three other black people walking through a sea of whites just hearing boo and one white guy went, "Don't worry, we not booing you. That's the next champ." Right? And at the tractor pool they had the Amish there. I've never seen the Amish in my life. I'm from Florida, dog. So I saw him, I was like, "Oh shit, it's the Amish."

And they were like, "Oh, fuck! It's a nigga!" And that's about that.

God damn it. I say it every week. I'll say it again. You have done it again. Coming in just storming with the best jokes of the night. Absolutely incredible. All from another weekend on the road. You are able to sell tickets, make money, and at the same time make more material. You are a fully operational machine. Absolutely incredible.

Tractor pull in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Sam Talent. I just want to say this. So, Cam, we booked you to do that festival I'm running in Arkansas in October. Diamond City Comedy Festival. And we received your rider today. Okay. Oh! Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Oh. Uh-oh. Princess? Uh-oh. I just want to read what's on this writer. Oh, please, yes. If anyone had any doubts, Kim's the blackest man alive. So an adequate amount of bottled water. That's normal. An assortment of gums and mints, you know, for your perfect smile. Beef jerky, or as you guys call it in Estonia, beef. You know?

And then this is where it gets a bit specific. Kool-Aid. No, you're joking. No way. Oh my God. Oh my God. Hey, Sam, and it better fucking be there, though. It better fucking be there. I'm going to make it personal. I need that, yes. And just to follow up, in case that wasn't definitively black enough.

Two, and then in parentheses, the number two, black and mild. Oh my God. And it's so broad. There's not even a specific, even John Deese is confused at your rider, and he has the exact same rider. What?

Where's the chicken, Jon wants to know? Jon Moffitt: I usually have it at the clubs and shit. I don't got to ask for chicken. They got chicken. Rob Markman: What flavor Kool-Aid? Jon Moffitt: All the Kool-Aid. Whatever Kool-Aid you ... I'm rating all the Kool-Aids. The best place so far has been the Mic Drop in San Diego. They made all the Kool-Aids in every flavor and that was delicious. Hilarity's was pretty good. When I was in Springfield ...

Swear to God, no lie. When I was at Springfield, there was a black dude with gold teeth and dreads, and he was like, "What's up, nigga? I'm making your Kool-Aid. I never saw him again." I'm gonna say the same thing to you in Arkansas. They just hired a Kool-Aid maker, dog. That was it. And I never saw him again. Never again. Oh, no.

Wow. That is incredible. So you always drink the Kool-Aid everywhere you go? Yeah, I've tasted it. What the fuck is Kool-Aid?

What? Why is it so cool? You don't got Kool-Aid in Estonia, nigga? No. Cam, I'm going to leave it to you to explain to this Estonian man what Kool-Aid is. So Kool-Aid is like a packet, right? It's like a flavored packet with a little bit of sugar in it. He's doing Martin Phillips' hand right now.

Kool-Aid is a little flavor, little packet, right? And it got like a little bit of sugar in it. And you mix it with water. Now, to make good Kool-Aid, what the fuck is this? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What the fuck's that? What

How do you make good Kool-Aid? So look, to make good Kool-Aid, right? See, Tony would make Kool-Aid. He would put like a little bit of water, right? Kool-Aid, you know what I'm saying? And then a small piece of semen, right? And... Because he's gay. Because he's gay, right? And then... You're learning. I have Kool-Aids. And a little bit, just a little bit of sugar, right? I make Kool-Aid, same exact thing, two packets.

Two packs of Kool-Aid, right? Water, sugar. The whole pack. Lots of sugar. Isn't diabetes a big problem in the... I don't think this is a good career choice to put so much sugar. That's not the reason. It's one of the reasons, but not the main reason. It got Patrice O'Neal. That's the expression. He drank the Kool-Aid. Yeah, yeah. That is true. Yes.

Very good. They're learning. This is good. So this is everywhere you go, they have Kool-Aid. Or you won't go on stage. Yeah, no, I won't get up. If you don't bring me the Kool-Aid, I'm not going. Absolutely incredible. And what else when you're on the road? Are there other things you like to do? Was there other things in Fort Wayne, Indiana, perhaps, that you did? No, I just know one thing. I know one thing I found out. I want to fuck the Amish.

Oh. Yeah, don't shake your head, Redman. They smell, man. I don't give a fuck.

How do you know that? From Ohio. From Amish country. You're from Amish country? Columbus, Ohio? That Amish pussy? We gotta fuck Amish. Dude, hell yeah. They don't know shit about Reddit. They don't know nothing. Listen. They don't even know MySpace, dog. Listen, I'm a fuck Amish, dog. Me too, bro. I wanna fuck Amish really bad. I wanna fuck Amish really bad. But I was thinking about it. They were like, we can get you on the farm, but I don't wanna go to the farm. Yeah. Because they stuck in the past. Right. Right.

And I don't know what past they stuck in. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No Kool-Aid out there in Amish country. You also have to fight through the coarse pubic hair. That's fine. And Amish ladies' pubes look like your hair. That's fine. Okay. That's fine. All right. Well, fuck me Amish. It's like fucking through Chore Boy, dude. You know how cool that'd be? I'd be the only black person to fuck Amish. Cam Patterson, black history, likes rocks, fuck the Amish.

Cam, you're a fucking machine. We love you. There he goes. The legend. The machine. Cam motherfucking Patterson. We found him out of the bucket in late May of 2023. There you go.

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I seriously can't recommend them enough. I can't wait to try the polos, v-necks, and activewear necks. Yeah, you know, a lot of shirts, they're too wide in the middle. They're floppy. Some are too tight. These fit just right in the midsection, in the arms, in the

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Who knows? Your next bucket pool could be the next future superstar of the show. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Dallas Urban, everybody. The debut of Dallas Urban. Oh, he's been on before. The return of Dallas Urban. What's up, buddy?

Hell yeah. I went from 230 pounds to 185 pounds in a year and a half because, yeah, we're working my ass off and stuff. And the best thing that's happened to me is fucking all those beautiful little fat white girls and mixed race kids over in Pflugerville, y'all. That's all I can tell you, man. I'm telling you, little Trayvon McAllister needs a dad, and I'm here for it. He's going to be a left tackle for a Super Bowl winning team, and I'm here for it, yo. I don't even give a fuck if they have yellow teeth. Just saying. Yeah.

Oh man, I don't understand how incels exist, man, when those women exist. I'm just saying, dude, like I had one trust fund girl here and my dick is not a block of cheese. It's more of a little smokey of anything like that. Why are you grading it? Oh, God damn, I suck. Shit, this sucks, Tony. I suck, man. I absolutely suck, man. Oh, good Lord. I will, I will, I will, I will. You don't know how... Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

This sucks, man. I am a horrible dude. Wow. All right, I'm going to stop you there because you're over a minute now. You started repeating I suck at 47 seconds. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. That's my bad. No, sir. No, sir. Dallas, what makes you even attempt this?

I really don't know. I guess I'm just not a Kill Tony guy because I've done this my fourth time and I am very ashamed of myself right now. When you say you're not a Kill Tony guy, does that mean you... Oh, funny. Sorry. Right. Yes, sir. Okay. He's stepping on your punchlines, too. It's incredible. These guys, they just come in and really... He's apologizing silently now. He just mouthed the words, I'm sorry to me.

Dallas, have you considered getting fat again? It would help, dude. It would fucking help, it seems like. It's worked for me. I'm rocking good, though. Thanks, man. You too, buddy.

Dallas. Yes, sir. What do you think? How long have you been doing this now? Maybe like three years now. Three years. Most of the time here and stuff like that. When you say here, where do you mean? In Austin, Texas. Right. Okay. So three years. Why don't we hear the best joke you've ever written? Best joke I've ever written? Okay. You've been on this show multiple times. You say you're not a Kill Tony guy. Let's hear your very best joke. Here it is. Three years in the game.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Okay. I found out I was adopted, and I got to meet my biological mom when I was 20 years old 14 years ago, and she gave me five numbers to look up, and they were all black dudes.

Yeah. That's it? Yeah, that's it. What? Oh, my God. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. That's not even a joke. It's just a sobering reality. I mean, like, they called her salad tosser, and I'm just like, oh, that explains everything about me sexually. So, like, that explains so much, man. Dallas, I'm going to let you off easy tonight. I saw your hair get more gray during the set, too.

He had a lot of confidence when he came out. I thought it was going to go well. He did? I thought so, too. Dallas, you're gone. Goodbye, Dallas Ervin. There he goes. Put the mic in the mic stand. Can you guys boo Dallas Ervin? There you go. Go, Dallas. Go. Get the fuck out. There you go. Very good.

That was a true bomb. That is a no joke book. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 bomb. Luckily, we have a solution now. When somebody bombs, we call in the fucking bomb squad. We have a superhero that specializes in performing and...

after somebody bombs. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 seconds from the great and powerful True Niggas. All right. Ever since I've been made a regular by Tony, my DMs have been popping.

I'm talking short, I'm talking tall, I'm talking skinny, I'm talking wide. It's crazy. Some of them are young and fresh, some are a little old reliable. They're amazing. And some are good and healthy for me, some are dangerous and toxic, but they make me feel so alive.

They all want me to, they love my energy. They even want to be with me. They'll do whatever it takes. They'll even pay me. I mean, these energy drink companies are really thirsty for me, man. Thirsty as hell. Recruit me like I'm the next Billy Mays. But wait, there's more. There was this health influencer. She slid my DMs. She said, Drew, Drew.

I love you, you're so cute, but I'm worried about your heart. And I said, baby, it's safe with me. She said, no, Drew, I'm worried about your heart. It's going to explode. That's when I shotgun an energy drink, and then I blocked that bitch. Thank y'all so much. Drew Nickens, he loves energy drinks, ladies and gentlemen.

I love it. So Drew, welcome. Another new minute for you. How's life going? It's amazing, Tony. Everybody's been so supportive. Everybody's been so kind. There's some funny duddies, but fuck them. We're having a good time, right? You're damn right. So Drew...

He's the new regular. Yeah, one of the new rotating regulars. All it took was a guy with a head injury to replace Hans. I love it. So Drew, are there really a lot of girls in your DMs? No, Tony. No.

I swear, there's four girls in my DMs and seven energy drink companies, dawg. That is amazing. The ratio is crazy. Four girls, Drew. You're doing great, dawg. Dude, I got nothing. Really? What? Nada.

Purple bacon? Nothing. Incredible. I like your haircut, Ari. Thank you, Drew. We're friends. It's so good to be hanging out at recess with you two right now. Yeah, you're the foreign kid who has to be friends with Drew. Yeah.

Drew, I'm kidding. I love you. You're a light backstage. I'm so happy for you, man. Thank you so much, Mr. Talent. I really appreciate you. He's one of the best in the game right now. Let's give it up. Stop it. Absolutely. Absolutely. So, Drew...

I love it. And, you know, you had your first Texas kiss here. You go on dates at all? You like girls, right? Yes, I love girls. Do you like women? Yes, I like women, too. Hell yeah, Sam. Nice. You been on any dates or anything? Other than the Taco Bell in the car that I ate with a girl, I got friend-zoned over spicy nuggets, Tony. Ooh. That was an Uber driver, Drew. Ha ha ha!

I didn't have red hair. Drew, what else have you been doing? Have you checked out Austin, Texas at all? Have you gone out? Gone away? I like to go to malls and go to the outlet malls and find shoes. And then I like to go to the arcade and play Big Buck Hunter. I had the time of my life.

I went to one of your ghetto malls here in Austin. I think it's called Lakeway or something. It was amazing. Fuck, yeah. You are the biggest 11-year-old we've ever had on this show. It's perfect. We also had a big woman on this show earlier, too. You're growing. Yeah. You know, Ari, I don't know if you know this, but in your country, he would have been euthanized. Holy shit. No.

Nobody's made it so far. I think he survived the euthanasia. And we didn't say it about Cam and Bobby Brown Jr., but I promise you they would have been euthanized as well. It's because I'm black, right? You're correct, Drew. Very good. Wow, somebody's got Kool-Aid on his rider.

So one time, Tony, I put five-hour energy in my Kool-Aid. That shit was amazing! Oh, my God. Drew. He's crazy! Drew, we love you. You pulled us out of another bomb. That's another new minute from Drew Nickens, everybody. It goes on and on. Can't understand how we last so long. We must have superpowers.

All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds, going to Chloe LaBranch. The train keeps rolling. Chloe LaBranch. Here she is. Make some noise for Chloe, everybody. I hope you guys don't mind if I start with a light joke. Okay, cool. I went home with this guy the other night, and he started raping me.

But then I looked up and I saw he had a Yale diploma hanging over his bed, and I was like, nah, he's fucking me. I was, uh, thank you so much. I, uh... I was thinking about the, um, the women who were fucking the hijackers in 9-11. I feel like women always give men the benefit of the doubt, you know? They're probably like, ah, they're on a boy's trip. Whoo!

We know who did it, relax. As a woman, I'm really sick of pedophiles. I'm sick of these men fucking these kids 'cause it's like these kids, you know, they're stealing our jobs.

Chloe LaBranch. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like 11 years when I'm not in rehab. I love it. 11 years. And what were you in rehab for? You know, I'm an alcoholic, but I'm not a loser. I'll do pills, you know? Right. If you have them, I'll take them. Same? I love it. What kind of pills were we doing?

What do you have, Tony? I just have testosterone and Cialis, so... That'll probably get me on JFL, so let's go. JFL's not a thing anymore. We're bringing it back when I go trans. I...

That's how you get new faces. I love it. Chloe, where are you from? New York. Do you still live in New York? I do. What do you do for a living? Paint houses, I'm guessing. It is quite the get-up. They did make an all-female Ghostbusters. This is the reboot of the reboot. Not going to go well. At least we know you're not on your period. Yeah.

It's true. Yeah, it's because I'm on Tony's pills, so I don't get it anymore. It's true. Period blockers. So, Chloe, you live in New York. How do you make a living? I... Relax. I, uh...

I actually worked for Phoenix. No, I'm kidding. Hell yeah. I hold her dick on the red carpet. No. It's at eye level for you. That was good, Sam. Thank you. Just thinking about Phoenix's cock again.

So, what do you do? Oh. I'm a part-time assistant. Okay. All right. Very good. Part-time assistant. You make enough money to survive in New York City? Sure. Oh, okay. Well, you sleep in a cupboard, right? Yeah.

Incredible. So you're an alcoholic, you say, but you're in recovery. Yes. How long have you been sober? I just got my first year on June 11th. Congratulations. Thank you. What's the trick? How do you do it? How does someone stay sober? Well, you try for eight years, and then nobody wants to drink with you anymore.

Including yourself. So that's really it. Amazing. You go to meetings and stuff? Yeah. Keeps you in check? Yes. Do you have like a story when at those meetings? Like do you have like a good story? Like some people are like, I was driving a car.

and then I saw my baby seat in the back and it was wrecked or whatever. What's yours? That was it. Is that it? Okay, I nailed it. There you go. No, I have a lot. I could, like, sell my bottoms on eBay. I got a lot of problems. Oh, here's a good one. So I was at rehab in Malibu and I...

My boyfriend, we just met, but in rehab you have to get a boyfriend immediately. And so he got kicked out because his drug dealer, Baby Doug, threw drugs over the hedge and then everybody got fucked up. Yeah. What kind of drugs? Again, I'm curious. Xanax and coke. Oh, yeah. The best. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That's like giving Drew Nickens a case of Red Bull. It's a hot girl speedball. Oh, yeah. It's also a big fat guy speedball. No, but then I... Should I keep going with the story? 100%. Oh, okay. Yeah, relax. I love it. That's like your catchphrase. Everyone needs to relax. It's probably me. I'm always projecting.

So Zanny and Coke comes over the hedge. Yeah, so I'm fucking this guy right now. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

No, he gets kicked out, and then we're allowed to have our cell phones at Malibu. It promises not a good place, because they think we're like executives. You're just a part-time assistant. I mean, I met Mariah Carey as a manager there. Pretty big deal for rehab. Anyway, so then he gets kicked out, and then I'm all upset, so I make this plan. I'm going to run away to see him. So I convince them to take me to the alumni meeting,

Downtown in Malibu where all the Promises alumni are doing whatever better. A bunch of preachy motherfuckers, right? Yeah, so they take my phone in my wallet and then I have two people watching me who came to watch. And then one turns around and I run. And I go into Ralph's and they sell vodka, so I steal a bottle of vodka. You stole it? Yes, because I didn't have a wallet. Right. Right.

I love you, Chloe. Chloe don't give a fuck! It gets a lot better. So then I got blacked out in this skate park. As an adult? Yeah.

I'm on a list now. No, so then I go back to the meeting and I have like my bottle of vodka and I start like screaming, can I have a cigarette? And I start screaming. I'm like, I walk in the meeting. I'm like, fuck you, fuck you. You guys don't know what it's like to have a problem. So they call the ambulance and they make me go to the hospital outside UCLA. And then like I get let go from the hospital at like 7 a.m. I'm wearing a hospital gown.

I have a bag just of like Marlboro Lights and a crop top. And so I don't know what to do, but across from the UCLA hospital are the UCLA frat houses. Uh-oh, party time. You know what I'm talking about.

Let's fucking go. So I walk in, right? And I start fucking this guy. No, I get it. I get it. I get it. No, so I knock on the door of SAE. And so I know the code. If anyone wants to know, you just say Phi Alpha, brother. And I go in and I'm like wearing a hospital gown and they have to let me in because I say the code. I walk in and I'm like, I need a fucking drink. And...

They give me like a beer and I'm like, come on, don't you have anything harder? And they're like, well, last night we had like jungle party. So like we used all the hard alcohol, but we have beer and the hot girls. I'm like, oh, we're not saying you're not hot. But so then I'm like drinking a beer preaching. I'm like, you guys never do drugs. What time of the day is this? 7 a.m. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah. So then.

I don't have a phone, so I get one of the fat boys. By the way, I can't believe I had to ask. You're blatantly from New York. This is incredible. The way you're smoking and telling this story. So then another thing. I went up 7 a.m. I'm in L.A. I don't want to be there. Fuck them. So I says to the guy. All right. Relax.

Callback. Yeah. Amazing. Chloe, absolutely incredible. So a year sober. I didn't finish the story. Go on. So then I get one of the frat guys. He's snorting Adderall before a test. And you're like, there's my boy. Yeah. I was like, there's a guy I'd like to marry. And I get him to call me an Uber back to Malibu. Wow. What a gentleman. Hell yeah. Yeah.

Spoiled little rich UCLA kid snorting Adderall, sending you on your way. No sexual interactions? He just got you an Uber to Malibu from UCLA? I wasn't looking too good, Tony. Oh, okay. Didn't want to fuck an Indian guy? They could already smell the alcohol in me. I didn't want that, too. Wow. Wow.

Absolutely amazing. Chloe LaBranch. Amazing. What else are you into? What do you do for fun now that you're sober? I like to go to horror movies. I like to play soccer. What are you, the ball? Yeah.

Relax. He was like, look at us go, you know? It's like we're like Dave Attell and Ross right here. Dibs on a tell. Amazing. Amazing, Chloe. Absolutely incredible. So what brings you to Austin, Texas? Oh.

I was featuring for Corinne Fisher. Nice. At the Creek. Oh, awesome. Yeah. And look at you now. Another rock bottom. I know, right? No, I said to Voss, I'm like, I want to go and kill Tony. He's like, as a judge? I was like, no, a contestant. He's like, Jesus. Who said that? Rich Voss. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah. There you go. Rich. Second name drop. Yeah. Yeah.

Rich just wishes he could have as good of a set and interview as you had here tonight.

Incredible stuff, Chloe. Very, very amazing. And I said it earlier, but we have all different types of people that come here. There's nothing I think is cooler than when a real comedy vet that knows the fucking ins and outs and their way around an actual improvised interview and following a lead and taking the ball and running with it. And you just did that for 11 and a half minutes. Here's the big joke book. It's made of real Texas leather. Thank you.

There you go, Chloe. There she goes, Chloe LaBranche, making her Kill Tony debut. Taking a chance, signing up, getting pulled out of the bucket. Amazing. And now we have a very special treat, ladies and gentlemen, a golden ticket winner, a legend.

of the show. You know him from this show, from going on, being found by Howie Mandel on this show, brought over to America's Got Talent, made it all the way to the semifinals. They screwed him. They had to mess up his microphone and his phone in order to eliminate him or else I think he would have won the whole goddamn thing. He's back. The Canadian crippler. Make some noise for Aaron Belisle, everybody. applause

Come on, you can do better than that. It's the return of... One more time for Aaron Balazs. Being disabled, I often run into people who try to recruit Jesus to fix me. I was in a taxi one time, and he pulled over to tell me that he once cured an ear infection by praying. He says he can cure me since cerebral palsy and ear infections are exactly the same. I don't have a lot of options, so I'm like, okay, let's see what you got, big boy.

Didn't work? I tried to pray his body odor away. That didn't work either. This poor broken man was so sad. I actually needed to apologize to him for still being disabled. It's okay, buddy. It's okay. You'll get it next time. I still have faith in you. It's not you. It's me. Next time a religious person tries to pray to heal me, I'm gonna start curling up the other arm and say you made it worse.

Another new set by Aaron Belisle. Very fun. Aaron, always on fire. Ari, why are you laughing like that? The wheels are turning over here. I hear another euthanasia joke. You beat us to it on that one. I feel like this guy's into youth in Asia.

Oh, look at this guy. People keep asking me if I've been in porn. And I'm like, no, that's Martin fucking Phillips. I did get you two mixed up for the first two weeks I was here. A lot of people. In Denmark, all disabled people need to wear a dandelion necklace to mark them. Here we need to wear neon green bracelets. Yeah. Those are going to be on forever, by the way. There's no getting those off of that wrist. Those are permanent bracelets.

You son of a bitch. Oh, you son of a bitch. You did it again. Absolutely amazing. Aaron, you have some new facial hair. That's incredible. Amazing stuff. You can do that. That's not affected by your condition whatsoever. A little Amish. Yeah, that is. I need hormones to grow it better.

Absolutely. Okay. And you've been doing the road. Things have been going good. You're making money selling tickets off of Kill Tony fame. People love you. You're doing good. You have no idea how to respond to that. Not AGT. Oh, AGT. Oh, thanks for giving them the credit. Very good. They're all dead. Oh, yes. The fan base of AGT is dead is what he's saying. They're old and they, yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Right. It's crazy that you can figure this out and that fucking scooper guy couldn't do it either. Holy shit! It turns out he just has to have the scooper permanently attached to his arm the entire time. I love your act out. The guy in the front row almost fainted from awkwardness. It was incredible. The poor guy didn't know what to do. Amazing stuff, Aaron. Here we go. I'm not sorry.

There you go. Fuck that guy. Yeah. So, Aaron, what else is going on? You're in Austin, Texas. You're dressed like... I moved to Austin yesterday, and tomorrow I'm getting stem cells, so that should be interesting. I told him I only want them from the neck down. If they make me talk, I'm gonna be fucking pissed. LAUGHTER

Oh my God. That would be hysterical. I thought Red Band was the sound effects guy. Absolutely amazing. So stem cells coming down. We don't know what can happen. You got nothing to lose, that's for sure. It's only up from here. Yeah. I could ruin my career.

Absolutely amazing. If you have a voice, that will be incredible. Absolutely impossible, I'm guessing, right? What would be the first word you would say if you could speak? Oh, please. Please. Autocorrect's about to take this from us. It starts with N. Wow. Oh, my God. That is the perfect answer. That was the first English word you learned, too.

Hell yeah, dude. I've said that more than I've said hello. You know what I'm saying? Aaron Belial. What else is going on? It's Nana. Nana? And Edward. Yeah. And also... I'm bombing. No. No, you're not. No, you're doing just fine. You're doing absolutely great. Warning, warning, warning. Overload system. Overload. Overdrive. Overdrive.

I love it. Aaron, so you moved to Austin. What's going on? What's your living situation? Better than Bobby Brown Jr., I take it? I live in a one-bedroom, one-bathroom unit. I'm living in one of the fans' spare units. Fans? A fan of the show has a spare unit. Absolutely. Speaking of spare units, who could forget Phoenix Provocateur? Uh-oh. Oh, look at him. He's jumping. You could live in her foreskin. Ha ha ha!

I can't believe Tony said he doesn't know how to identify as a woman. That's like me saying I don't know how to fall down a flight of stairs. You son of a bitch. Do you fall sometimes? Is that a thing that happens? Only in love. Incredible. Did I steal the words right out of your Bose speaker? You are amazing. I absolutely love it.

So stem cells tomorrow, anything can happen. Stem cells famously course through the body and find things that need repair and cling to them and work on it. And my next appearance is going to be crazy. Do you get to choose black or white stem cells? Like, is that like an option? We shall see. Oh boy. That was a frightening tone you had there. We shall see. Yeah.

Throw a few extra E's in there, dude. We shall see. I love it. Well, Aaron, you're a fucking machine, literally and metaphorically. We love you. You've done it again. Anything else? I see you scrolling. You son of a bitch. Oh, get out of here. Get him out of here. There he goes. Aaron Belisle, golden ticket winner, vendor, always a solid set.

From America's Got Talent semifinalist, Kill Tony Golden ticket winner, Aaron Belisle. Onward we go with the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian, Jacob Marshall, everybody. Jacob Marshall, right out of the bucket. Here he is. Yeah. So I used to have an Apple Watch. I don't anymore. I got rid of it. I hated it.

Because there's this thing you can do with Apple Watches where you can connect them to a friend that has an Apple Watch, and it'll tell you when they finish a workout, which is terrible. Because back story, I was dating this girl for like three and a half years. We break up. It's a Saturday night a few months after the breakup. I'm sitting on the couch with my best friend watching a UFC pay-per-view. And at midnight, I get a notification on my watch that says...

Kylie just finished a 17 minute cardio exercise. So y'all are smarter than me. Because I looked at my friend, I was like, it's a little late for a run. He was like, Jacob, she's not running. She's being ran through right now, dude. All right, that's all I got. Okay, exactly a minute. Your ex fucked after you broke up.

What's your name again, bro? Jacob Marshall. Jacob Marshall. Good work. Thanks, man. How long have you been doing stand-up, Jacob? Three years. Where at? Dallas. Okay. How often do you come to Austin? About every three months. And...

What brought you here today? Just this? My aunt's in Paris right now, so I'm dog-sitting for her for two weeks. Aunt's in Paris. One of my favorite Jay-Z, Kanye West songs. Paris, Texas, right? Yeah.

Okay, so your aunt's in Paris, your house sitting for her, is that what you said? Yeah, house sitting. She lives here in Austin. Okay, does she have a nice house? Yeah, it's not bad. Okay, have you noticed Bobby Brown Jr. sneaking in in the middle of the night? I love it. Okay, Jacob, what do you do for work? I'm in sales.

It's kind of boring, like marketing technology. It's not super exciting stuff. It's not kind of boring, Jacob. That's ridiculously boring. It's so boring. Overwhelmingly boring. What do you do for fun? I go out. I like live music a lot. I go out. My mom actually recently started a country music career, so I've been reluctantly supporting that. Your mom recently started? Did your dad just die? They're long divorced. No.

No, dude, like, she's 54. She sold her house in Dallas, moved, like, out to the country, adopted, like, eight cats, and then was like, I'm going to Nashville to record a country music album. Oh, so she lost her fucking mind. Yeah. Dude, she's like a meth head boyfriend away from being Joe Exotic. It's incredible. Have you heard this album? What's it called? Where can we find it? What's it called? She's released her first three songs. Where at? On what? It's on Spotify. What's it called? Oh, God. Um...

Are you pretending like you don't know your mom's name right now? No, I just hate that we're promoting it. It's okay. It's called Kissing Frogs. Oh, hell yeah. Let's go. No, don't. Okay, very good. Red band, very good commitment. Go to Spotify and actually look up the thing that we're talking about. Her name is Dali, which is spelled D-apostrophe-L-E-E. Oh, no. Holy shit. That's like a name from your home country. There you go. Yeah, she is hot.

Wow, let's listen to it. Oh, yo, yo, yo. Your mom's, oh, your mom's banging, bro. You actually do have a ridiculously hot mom. Yo, dog. We are the 1,635th listen on Spotify. 1,635.

Can you get your mom on the show sometime? That went so much better than my set. That's all. Yeah, it's unbelievable. She a squirter? Did your friends like... Oh, my God. Red band. When you were growing up, did your friends joke about banging your mom? Yeah. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. She's fucking fast. Everybody... And the divorce was rough, I hear. Have you ever heard another man fuck your mom? Oh, my God. Ugh.

You got to get your mom a Fitbit. It ain't going to be 17 minutes. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. She's kissing more than frogs out there, dude. Holy shit. Banging. Oh my God.

This is incredible. It's bothering you so much that it makes me just want to ask more questions about your mom. She writes her music with ChatGPT, which hurts me to my soul. I don't give a fuck! No, yeah. That doesn't matter. Do you talk to her often? Like once a month. Okay. Once a month. It's tough for her to talk with her mouth full. I love it.

Your mom would suck off anyone on this stage right now. Probably. Hell yeah. Absolutely incredible. What do we got there? Oh, Redman just followed her on Instagram. Holy shit! Your mom now has 62 followers. And one of them is Redman. Someone's going to fuck your mom, dude. No doubt about it. This is the worst thing that could have happened to you. Oh, she accepted already? Oh, God.

She immediately accepted the follow request. She is live. Oh my god. Red Band is DMing your mother right now. Yo, what's up, boo? Hit send on it. Let's see if she responds. Please tell me this is going to get seen in real time. This could be one of the greatest moments in the show's history if she randomly responds to Red Band. This is the first message she's ever received. Laughter

Oh my God. This is absolutely incredible. You did this to your mom. I'm sure the Kill Tony fans will be very nice online. The good news is she's about to literally, yeah, her following is about to, I mean, more than double, more than triple. It's going to be, she has 60, 62 followers right now. Remember the moment where your mom had 62 followers. She is incredible.

D-L-E-E dot official on Instagram. For those of you looking for the D-L-E-E imposters, just know go to D-L-E-E dot official. That's the official account in case there's another account that has more than 62 followers. Oh, man. I'm so glad my mom is dead. My mom's dead too. Thank God, dude.

Oh, she's vibing. There's some videos, dude. Oh, wow. She's live on this one. Why did the divorce happen? Oh, man. There's a video of this. Nobody is paying attention to her at all. This is incredible. Oh, man. So how did it make you feel when your mom left you and started her music career in her mid-50s? Not great. It feels way worse now. Yeah.

Jacob Marshall. Do not look at my mom on OnlyFans, Red Band. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, it's a different. It's okay. Hold on. It's okay. False alarm. It's a different D-League. It's a different D-League on OnlyFans. I was about to say, I don't know about this. Well...

I mean... I was wondering how she funded the album, but... She's kissing more than frogs, it turns out. Wow. Wow.

Unbelievable. She did buy an Audi recently. I was like, I don't know where this came from. Wow. It's not from music sales. She's using AI for her OnlyFans avatar also, it seems like. Well, then at least it's not really her. I don't know. Okay. Jacob, before I let you go, most interesting thing about your entire life. Whoa.

Okay, Red Band, that's a different... Red Band just started watching. Come on, get out of here. Yeah, exactly. Red Band just went down someone else, some other D. Lee's rabbit hole on fucking... Good enough for me. Just blowing up pictures and zooming in on tits. You fucking pig. All right. Jacob, anything else about you? Your mom really stole the show here tonight.

I guess I found out recently I have a boyfriend dick. What does that mean? I didn't know what it meant. The girl that told me basically said it's like not too big, not too small, like the Goldilocks of penis. Wow, that's terrible. It sounds like a really nice way of saying I have a small penis. Wait, what did you say? This lady said something. It's a thing? It's a thing, yeah. Is this your boyfriend? What?

Dude, guys like that always have the biggest cocks. Oh, yeah. They're not girthy, but they're long. Yeah, long. They look like a marsupial's tail. All right. Jacob Marshall, you know what? The set was very, in my opinion, kind of just okay. I liked the premise, but you didn't really take it that far or take any real chances with it. But I will say this.

since the interview, you fed us your mother on a hot platter. I'm going to give you a big joke book. There he goes. Jacob Marshall, everybody. All right. One more bucket pool. You guys still having fun? All right. Okay. Make some noise for Tom Feeback, everybody. Your final bucket pool of the night. Tom Feeback.

What's up, guys? It's good to be here. I grew up playing football, and football coaches never have anything nice to say. You know, like, my coach would always be like, you suck, you're a pussy, your mom's a whore. Yeah, and that would always hurt my feelings because my dad was the coach, and we weren't even in a game. I'm like, Dad, I'm nine, and it's Christmas, you know, so let me...

My dad was tough on me growing up. I feel like dads aren't tough anymore. Dads now are complete pussies. It's true, you know? Because I was at the store the other day. I saw this dad with this kid, and the kid was being bad. And the dad just said the whole time, he's like, Carson, Carson, Carson, one, two, one. I was like, dude, you fucking suck, dude. My dad would never have to say my name that many times growing up. My dad would be going like, hey, the fuck, and that was it. That's all I got. Dads have these, I'm not saying like hit your kids or anything, but they should be a little intimidated, you know? Because like the scariest thing that my mom could tell me growing up is I'm going to tell your dad.

Yeah, you tell a kid in 2024 you're going to tell his dad, he'd be like, who, Bill? How about this? Fuck Bill. How about that? All right, guys. Thank you. Tom, be back. Welcome to the show, Tom. How are you doing, Tony? Good minute. Thank you. First time on, right? First time on, yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like three and a half years. Where at? Chicago. And?

And you visit here often. I just moved here like three weeks ago. Congratulations. Thank you. Out of curiosity, what made you move to Austin, Texas? For comedy, man. I was doing comedy in Chicago and I was doing a lot there. So I was like, I want to expand a little bit. And you could have gone anywhere. You could have gone to New York. You could have gone to LA and you picked Austin. Yes. Yeah, 100%, dude. Yep. Smart move. Just want to make sure people listening from New York and LA hear that.

Anyway. That was really good, man. Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. How do you make a living, Tom? Right now I'm doing Uber Eats. Uber Eats? Yeah. Okay. It's a terrible job. Okay. Yeah. That's the great job, no. You don't have any creeps in your car. Uber Eats is easy, bro. No, you're thinking of Uber Alice. You could have had a different job. You know that if you lived in Estonia, you would be euthanizing people. Yeah.

He looks European, he looks good. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. He's got dominant features, blue eyes, I like it. German-Italian. Was that an Estonian gang sign you just threw up right there? Hello.

This is the biggest thing to ever happen to Estonia, dude. You on this show? Oh, yeah. I know. Ever since the wall fell or whatever. Was Latke Gravis... Did he claim Estonia? I can't remember. Latke Gravis, Andy Kaufman's alter ego character. At one point, he did, yes. I think it was Estonia. Yeah, yeah. He picked like some... And then...

Our famous claim to fame, Encino Man, where Pauly Shore made the joke that the caveman is from Estonia. Dude, national news in Estonia. Wow. 1996, four years into our country, Hollywood are coming. Brendan Fraser. Brendan Fraser. Oscar-winning Brendan Fraser. That is your boy.

Okay, Uber Eats. So, what's the craziest thing that's happened in your Uber Eats career? Craziest thing that's ever happened? One time I went to take a delivery and the guy told me to come in the house. And yeah, he was completely naked. Sores all over his body. He just had pill bottles everywhere and piss jugs everywhere. Sam! You bastard!

He didn't have to come in the house, but, you know, he came on the porch instead. Why did he invite you in? Did he want you to put the bag somewhere? Yeah, he wanted me to put the bag on his bed. Well, he was like 700 pounds, so he couldn't get up. Oh, Jesus. That was when I was Brendan Fraser.

I love it. So you went in there and was it, so you dropped the bag and was he like insinuating something happening or what was? Well, he was completely naked. Yeah, but what was the vibe? He just had a towel over his dick. What was the vibe? The vibe? It was a good vibe. I liked it. It was a good vibe. I'm into it. He tried to tip, but he couldn't see it through his belly fat. Did you see his dick or was it like all fucked up and mushed?

Yeah. I watch 600-pound life. There's nothing there, dude. Yeah, it's like inverted in his body, dude. Sure is. Yeah, bro.

Absolutely amazing. Tom, what do you do for fun? For fun? Other than stand-up? Hang out with my girlfriend, hang out with the dog. Oh, okay. You have a girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where'd you meet her at? High school. What does she do? She's a nurse. She actually just got a job down here. Wow. Yeah. So she's a nurse in Austin, Texas. Yes. Do you ever have her dress up as a nurse? Yeah. And you guys role play? She orders Uber Eats. Yeah.

And calls you into the house. She only has a towel. There's piss jugs everywhere.

She has her good dance goes on. No, we don't really, she's not really that adventurous, you know, but I do like the scrubs. The scrubs are pretty hot. Tell us more about the non-adventurous sex that you're having. Yeah, that was a bad comment, dude, to millions of people about your girlfriend. You know, I'm just being honest. Just being honest, dude. Oh my God. You're so fucked, dude. Dude.

If I was a girlfriend and my boyfriend is on the biggest podcast in the world... Not that adventurous!

It's perfect. So let's talk more about it. You guys have the same type of sex regularly or is sex regular? Yeah, sex is regular. But it's also, it seems very plain. You missionary position? Yeah, missionary, doggy, that's pretty much like. Missionary, doggy, that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing else. Does she ever get on top? Yeah, she gets on top sometimes. She gets on top sometimes. She's so tired from work though. Yeah.

From providing. From carrying the relationship's finances on her back. My boyfriend's an open mic. I'm doing 16-hour shifts. My girlfriend's not adventurous enough. I'm tired, you asshole. Yeah.

Ari, Maddie, opening up the playbook here in the late innings. I love it. Getting involved in the fourth quarter. Yeah. I love it. I fucking love it. Ari, Maddie, one of the most fun people to drink with and hang out with at this club. I'm very excited about this first panel appearance for you, Ari. Oh, back to Tom Feeback.

That's your real name. Feeback. F-E-E-B-A-C-K. Yep. Why would he choose that as his stage name? I know. It's very bizarre. Okay. And you've been with the same girl since high school. Yeah, like 10 years. How old are you now? 26. Holy shit. 26 years old. So is that the only girl you've ever had sex with? You've never been blown? No.

I've been blown before. Huh? Blown? Did you say blown? Blown. Like blow job. Right. Yes. You ever heard it? Yes. Yes. I just never heard anybody say it like that. Have you been blown? That Estonian accent's a little tricky. When you're facing that way, I can't read your lips. Have you been blown? Have you been blown?

I think I need a Bose speaker. So it's the only girl you've ever been with sexually? I've been with a couple girls. Did she know that? Whoa.

Oh, you cheat too, dude? No, I'm not a cheater. Not a cheater. Yeah, that'd be crazy if he admitted that on the show. I've been with a couple of fucking girls this week. I want an adventure. I love it. Okay, Tom, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go? Except the boring guy's sex. I don't know. I think the boring sex is, you know, everyone wants to get like choked and slapped and shit. I don't know. It just seems weird to me.

Okay, well, you know what? You should go to Estonia, bro. Dude, we'll choke you, we'll fuck you and suck you, dude. There's a gimp on the flag. Really? No. I don't even know where Estonia is. Hey! Hey! Be nice. Be nice. You know where Estonia is. Blue and then white and then black.

Blue, black, and white. I had to think about that. Wow. It looks like the black... Sounds like my band. Nice. All right. It's the same colors as the Blue Lives Matter hat. It is, yes. Yeah, which made that be me. Very confusing for us. Yeah, I know. Because you guys don't have black people. No. Yeah.

Tom feedback. Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. A very, very, very good set. You're leaving with a big handmade leather joke book. Tom feedback, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry about your girlfriend. And that... Talk to Phoenix. Words of the great Montel Jordan. That is how we do it. And there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

It is with the Hall of Famer, the record holder for all-time appearances, all-time interviews, all-time everything. He is the Great Red Goat, the Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tarantula, the St. Louis Laredo Lazy Boy, the Vanilla Gorilla. What's the main one? Oh, yeah, the Big Red Machine. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed William Montgomery! Woo!

After watching the first presidential debate, I just want to say, don't blame me. I voted for Morgan in Morgan. The debate was so crazy that at one point they argued about golf, which is kind of insane because one of the only times Biden told the truth was when he said he was a six handicap and he is stage six dementia. Yeah.

In a poll taken after the debate, 72% said Biden is suffering from some sort of cognitive impairment, and the other 28% said, man, I thought that old-ass man was dead. A man recently threw a big gulp on Chicago's district attorney, Kim Fox. Wait, Red Band, isn't that your mom's porn name? Fucking slut. Hawk to more like Cardinal Sin.

Okay, that's right. 59 seconds on the dot.

Real close. Almost had it, Tony. I almost had it. My goal is 60 tonight. You did 59 seconds. You were one second away. The big red riot himself. A beautiful, beautiful man looking more wizardly every day. Well, it could be, Tony. The air conditioner went out at the apartment this morning. So it's currently 85 at the apartment. So I have been laying around the apartment all day. I got Dairy Queen twice on Uber Eats.

I ate two different blizzards today. One, it was really great. One had a bunch of toffee in it, and the other one was animal cookies. It was an animal cookie one. Oh, that sounds fucking amazing. It was really good. Yeah, it was pink. It was really good, but that was helping keep the temperature down. Wow.

Red Band's AC is working fine, and he also had two blizzards today. How do you wrap your eyes? I love how you get so sensitive when William's on stage. You're so sick of it. You're so sick of your mom getting called a slut every week. Well, it's probably because she's legitimately sick right now is why he's... Oh, how do you know that?

We talk. I mean, that's not a joke. I mean, we talk. Yeah, she's not doing good right now. Do you want to plug your mom's Instagram page? Yeah. Wait, I was never going to say this, but there was one time we were in Mitzi's after this, and we all are looking at our Instagrams saying, oh, what pops up when you put on your homepage, and literally Red Band gets his phone out, and it's a bunch of women breastfeeding. Yeah.

Oh my gosh, it was the funniest thing! It was babies getting breastfed! I'm not the only one. It is true. No, you actually are. And what's funny is that you think other people get recommended this a lot, but you don't know that Instagram's algorithm directly shows you things that you watch all the time. Yes, I mean, it is incredible. Half of the things, there's also George Floyd. What's the George Floyd one there?

How does he mix? How does he fit into all the breastfeeding videos? Is it George Floyd breastfeeding? I know in Estonia the breast milk is powdered. I mean, you're... Soviet Union, yes, Sam. You fat fuck.

You're doing good, Zima. It looks like you're losing a little bit of weight. Are you losing some weight? Yeah, I'm down 45 pounds this year. Congratulations. Wow. Incredible. I'm sober like you, bro. I quit boozing. And also Ozempic. Didn't you get on Ozempic a couple weeks ago? No. No. No. How have you been doing it? How have you been losing the weight? I just quit drinking 12 Miller Lights a night. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, you have been non-alcoholic tonight, and you are normally a heavy drinker. Oh, yeah, I love them. So what made you quit drinking? Turns out I'm morbidly obese. Oh. Morbidly, William. No, you're not. That's one of the worst adjectives. I know. Well, you're working on it. I am, I am.

It is, historically. Yeah. Do you still drink? Have you switched to hard liquor or anything, or are you just sober now? I had some natural wine on my birthday. Wow. Yeah, and also Tim Dillon made me drink in Copenhagen. Oh, nice. We went to a very fancy restaurant, and they had a wine pairing, and he went, he'll have that. Why wouldn't he have that? That's good. Oh, that's a good Tim Dillon you got. It's good. Why would it be bad? I like that. Yeah.

I like that. Now, you two used to work together in Denver, Colorado. William lived there for a while. You were one of the kings of the Denver comedy scene, Sam Talent. Yep. And we had a great time. We used to have the best of time. Can I ask you something? Yeah. Did you read the new Cormac McCarthy books? Yeah, I read the first one. I did not read the second one. They sucked. Yeah, it was kind of sad. It's his last book. It was kind of sad. It wasn't great. Yeah.

I didn't know this was the time for a literary conversation. I'm sorry. It was great. It was sad. Yeah, we had a lot of great times together when we were still boozing relentlessly. We were. I remember being at your house. You lived in that house in that compound looking thing and just getting blacked out drunk. Yeah, down in Waco. Sam lived in Texas for a little bit in like 2016.

And it got really weird. He literally, he did have these people that were following him at that point in time. I was just, Sam and I were good buddies and he invited me there. And it was so weird watching Sam. He would sharpen his knives and it was so weird watching him storm in this bedroom one night, just filleting this guy's face while he's still alive. Well, he didn't want to admit that I was the one true. I know, I know, I know.

Duh. William, you joked a lot about the debate. Did you watch it? I did watch it. And Tony, I think it is scary for all of us. I try not to ever really get political on this show. But I swear to God, the real losers on all of this are the American people. How do we have two fucking old men up there? What is going on? I want to run for president in four years. Whoa.

After watching the debate, Tony, I'm gonna run! Wow. What are some of your platforms? Tell us some of the things that you're gonna do to make America... God, get fucking Hispanic people out of Applebee's, Tony! Wow. The Hispanic people there don't look excited about this at all. Well, they'll learn to love it! You're just gonna kick them out of Applebee's? Specifically only Applebee's? Yeah, I mean, are you cool with that, dude?

Huh? Who's going to cook the food, William? What else? Tell us more about your platform, William. I know that you're improvising all of this in the moment, but I'm interested to find out what else you would do as president. Because I'm telling you, William, you have a real chance at winning this thing. I think so, too. I mean, we need to... We have to...

think maybe open up the borders a little more because I swear when I see these Hispanic people getting kicked out of Applebee's, we need to keep the train going because Tony, the Hispanic people will stop going to Applebee's once they find out they're going to get kicked out. But if we open up the border, we're going to have a never-ending supply of fucking Hispanic people to kick out of the Applebee's. And Tony, that

That's not all, Tony. We need a Dairy Queen on every corner, Tony. Wow. Absolutely incredible. And how are we going to pay for these Dairy Queens, William? God, from the...

There's a trade deficit going on, Tony. We have to deal with the trade deficit first and foremost. I mean, we got to get our GDP going in the right direction. I mean, we got to get really strict with countries like China. I mean, we got to tell them we're not going to buy their chips anymore. We're not going to buy their little plastic things. We're going to set up an embargo on China. Seriously. What kind of Chinese chips are you buying?

Pring-a-roo! All right. I'm sorry. I can't help myself. I can't help myself. But yeah, all kinds of stuff. But I'm just really excited about the opportunity. I mean, we'll see. China is a problem. That's true. Tell us more about that. You go ahead. I can't say it anymore. You say it. I read some blogs. It is a huge problem. And...

The fact that your presidential candidates are two old men with the alternate sounding like Martin Phillips is a big problem. It's a giant problem. I mean, how are we ever going to be to the tip of the iceberg again in the world? Political, socioeconomic status. Tony, how are we going to get there? It's not going to be with two fucking old guys running for president. It's going to be.

Off of the back of maybe some balding red-headed person that is going to go after... I'm gonna... I'm gonna fucking go after...

I absolutely agree. I truly think the best man for the job is a balding, redheaded person. Thank you, Tony. And I'm just so hot. And it's so hot at the apartment. I'm just dreading. I'm not even kidding. I'm dreading going back to the apartment tonight. Red Band, can I stay at your place? I know I go after you about your mom and shit, but please. You have two places. Can I not stay at one? Sure. Oh! Thank you. Oh, wow. Look at that. Thanks so much. You're welcome. Thank you. Okay. Wow. Wow.

Absolutely incredible. Yeah, I'm sweaty. Do you see all this, Tony? It's really not good. It is incredible. It's all that ice cream. That's literally all I ate today. You've been eating ice cream all day. You're sweating profusely. You're wiping off your hand all over your shirt. You're getting very close to me. I want to give you a raspberry. Do you really want to? I can't think of a better way to...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

He said, like, Patrice O'Neal's piss. I love this run for president. Are you going to go all the way through with it? Yeah, oh my gosh. I mean, Tony, I think I probably... William Montgomery has done it again. And that is another episode of Kill Tony.

SamTalent.com with two L's. The man is on tour. I swear to God, one of the most fun, hilarious stand-up comedians. If you love him on this show, wait till you see what he does all by himself with a microphone as a stand-up. A true, true monster out there. SamTalent.com. Anything else, Sam? Pittsburgh and Detroit this month.

Subscribe to my YouTube. I have a cool travel show. Subscribe to this YouTube as well. I always forget to say that. My producer Yoni always yells at me for not saying subscribe to the show. Hit the like button right now also. There you go. Sure. Ari Matty, plug something.

Ari Matty comedy. Ari M-A-T-T-I comedy on Instagram. Everything there. Thank you. Ari M-A-T-T-I comedy on Instagram. Everything's there. He needs the followers. We have to get them. I need to make it quick. How many of you want to see Ari as an American citizen? There you go.

The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in of Sam Talent. Absolutely incredible. Shout-outs to the horn players in Deep Madness who couldn't be with us here tonight. A lot of fun stuff coming up on this show. Incredible, incredible stuff. Thanks to all of our regulars and golden ticket winners and bucket pools tonight. And to you guys, the live audience that comes every week, fills it to the gills. The hardest ticket in town.

Anything else? Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, sunsetstripatx.com. Love you guys. A lot of fun announcements coming around the corner from me. I'm going to finish my touring schedule strong, so that's going to be announced very, very soon here. It's going to be an easy rest of the year. Madison Square Garden and a very couple other special things coming around the corner. Thank you to our live audience. Go have fun, Austin, Texas. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

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The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.