#668 - SAM TALLENT
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. It's Glenn. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Me. Me.

Hello, everyone. You made it. Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Talkspace, Mood, and Chubbies. Hey, look, it's Brian Redman. Hey, everybody. Oh, my goodness. How about another hand for the best damn band in the land, ladies and gentlemen? Thank you.

Our horn players got stuck on the runway in Virginia, but we have one beautiful Mexican here, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, Seth One joining us on the keys while Deez is with Gary Clark Jr., and this is the great and powerful Dee Madness on the bass guitar.

Oh my goodness gracious, how exciting. So much fun planned. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hey y'all, this podcast is sponsored by CookUnity. Guys, I have been craving the burger from Casino El Camino here in Austin, Texas. Let me tell you this, how great would it be to get that level of culinary satisfaction from home? If you've got culinary taste, you know how expensive exploring your local food scene can get or how hard it is to find the time and energy to...

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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

a few shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

We're back, baby. We're back home where it all goes down in beautiful Austin, Texas. One of the best comedians in the world. One of our favorite guests ever tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the return of the great and powerful Sam Talent. Oh, yeah, baby. Here he is. These people get it. We got some real comedy fans here tonight. Sam Talent in the world. We love him.

The great and powerful talent is back. Welcome, Sam. Hey, I just want to commend you on your great performance on the roast. It was very good. Thank you so much. This is the first episode back since then. First episode back in Austin. Who wrote those jokes? It was me. No, I watched it with my mother-in-law, and she was blown away. Yeah, it was amazing. She was. She's not an easy... That was a compliment. It was...

It's very good. I love that. It went Drew Bledsoe than you, I think. Oh, you like Drew Bledsoe? I'm a big Bledsoe guy. He sent me a case of his fucking wine. And I'm not a big wine guy, but I gotta tell you, I cracked one of these bottles open the other night, smoked a blunt, drank some wine...

And it was so good. I ended up getting drunk all by myself. Just drank a fucking bottle of red wine. I think Drew does that a lot. Yeah, I think so. He had like puffy stop sign face. Oh yeah, he's good. He licked his top teeth a lot, I noticed. Yeah, because he was blasted on blow. Yeah, probably. It's in his last name. It's amazing.

It is amazing. We had so much fun. A lot of football fun out there. You're a big Bronco. Peyton Manning was there. That's right. Yep. There was some jokes I didn't get to do because I thought Peyton originally was going to be out there the whole time. And I probably shouldn't do it. It doesn't make sense to do it. You guys want me to do it? Here. Here, I'll be Peyton Manning. Yeah, there he is.

There he is. I'll be Bert. So I was going to say, there's a cult. There's a cult and a... Thank you. Red Band, shut the fuck up. No one knows what the fuck you're talking about, you retarded retard. You want me to be Peyton Manning as Bert Kreischer? No, no, no, no, no. It's okay. Let's just leave Bert out of it. Let's ignore everything that Red Band says. It's been a while since you've been a guest on the show. Let me remind you, Red Band, let's just ignore him completely throughout the night. Uh...

We have a Colt and a Bronco here, and that's just Peyton Manning. And we have a Brown and a Steeler, and that's just Sam Jay. Because black people steal things. Not D Madness, though, because he can't find where our pockets are. All right. All right, Peyton. Thank you so much. How about a hand for Peyton Manning? Sam has been on the show numerous times. One of the great guests in the history of the show. You know how it works. Hey.

an extraordinary amount of people, 216 souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull one of their names, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know the time is up and you're the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them, the entire show is improvised, anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

The first name has been pre-pulled, and while they wrangle them from across the street at Poor Choices, a bar here on 6th Street, we will start the show with one of our esteemed regulars, fresh off of an unbelievably unanimous decision victory in Los Angeles, California.

He defended and we used a fucking volume meter thing. What's that called? Fucking... Volume meter thing. Decimal meter. We used the audience. We used everybody. It was completely unanimous. Ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words. This is the return of Hans Kip. Thank you. Thank you, guys.

I recently watched the Joe Rogan Experience and I realized that watching Terrence Howard do math on Joe Rogan Experience is like watching an Asian play basketball in the NBA. Now I know how black people felt during Jeremy Lin. You guys ever notice that the more recently we bomb the country, the better their Uber drivers are? I can't even imagine how good these Palestinians are gonna be. Food and water, everything they don't have there right now.

I can't believe we convince women to enjoy drag. Drag is just a bunch of men dressed up and acting like a cartoonish caricature of women. It's basically blackface for women. Thank you. - Exactly 60 seconds. A professional.

And, shall I say, the newest member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Thank you, Tony. Incredible, incredible achievement. Joining only Michael Lair, William Montgomery, and David Lucas. I'm so honored. Hopefully I can, you know, usually people enter the Hall of Fame at the end of their career. I hope I can continue to have a career. Yes, we hope so, too. You've done it here tonight. Sam Talent. You know, Hans...

That was very good. Thank you. Yeah. I'm also surprised I said that to you, Hans. Yes. The Palestinian joke was great. All it took for you to write a good joke was a genocide. So that's good. That's a victory. Yeah. Usually I blast you, but Hans, well played. Thank you, Sam. Game respects game, young Hans. I'd love to open for you one day. No, no. Wow.

Wow. Let's not go crazy, okay? Yeah. No, no. You also sell more tickets than me because of this fucking joker over here. It is true. Hans Kim is one of the biggest draws in America right now. So eat that up. So God is dead. And he's not coming back. No, no. Yeah. We love him. We love God here, here in Texas. Which one? Oh.

The only one that matters, Joe Rogan. Hell yeah. He is somehow more powerful than the Jews. It is incredible. It is incredible. When he gets fucking cloud seeding down, it's all over. So, Hans, what's been going on in your world? You been celebrating? What's happening? I've been drinking. I've been smoking weed. I bought an AR-15 recently. Wow. Wow.

I've been really getting into shooting. It's a great hobby because everyone takes an interest in it. Wow. Why did you get the gun that's hard for you to say? Yeah, yeah. Fellow comedian Chris D'Elia also got an AR-15. He swears it's an AR-18. Very good. Very good.

So are you drinking and shooting the AR-15, or are those two separate things? No, Wednesday, I did both. Okay. Are you hitting targets with that? Sometimes, yes. Do you use, like, toothpicks to lift your eyes open or something like that? It's very hard for me to see. I have a...

I'm left eye dominant. What? I'm left eye dominant, so when I hold the gun out, it's like, I gotta go like that. Whoa. What? Left eye dominant? Yeah, it's good for baseball. It's even better for TLC. Absolutely. It's bad for Andre Rison, though. That is true. You've seen the video with left eye, their last moments with the Coca-Cola, and she's driving, and then she swerves.

You seen it? There's a video of her dying. No. Yeah, there's a famous video of her... We jerk off to different things, Tony. I'm still good with big naturals, you know, but... I'm right-hand dominant. But no, there's a video of left eye...

famously in her last moments and she dies by pulling what we would call a Hans Kim into a tree. That's a car accident, everybody. I'm actually trying to buy Red Band's car right now. Oh. Yeah. You have a gun. You don't have to try anymore. Yeah. It'd be nice for him to get shot with something other than insulin. No. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

What else is going on, Hans? I am trying to win my ex back. I am... Why? Why? All the fish in the sea and you love sushi. What's going on here? I just think that we have a connection and we have a bond. The woman who broke up with you? Yeah. What's the connection? We enjoy door-dashing food and, you know, playing Fortnite together.

That's so fucking easy. You could just date an 18-year-old chick, man. That's all they love. And again, you have a gun. Yeah, I haven't tried using the gun during dates. Oh, yeah. You know what you do? You put it in your mouth and you say, make my gun come. Thank you, Sam. I'm happily married for 13 years. Hans is literally going to try that.

So, Hans, you did it. You started the show. Thank you so much. It's so good to see you back in the stable again. Thank you, guys. Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen, kicking off the show. One of the legends of the game. Hans, stay away from Virginia Tech. It's been done. Ha ha!

And now it truly begins, the heartbeat of the show. The bucket of destiny has spoken. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight. Now again, anything can happen here. It could be the future superstar of the show. It could be an absolute failure. Anything can happen. We don't know. Let's meet them all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted coming up for Kaitlyn Kay, everybody. - Whoa. - Kaitlyn Kay.

So when I was younger, I was anorexic and bulimic. And I used to have people come up to me and say, "Oh my God, what are you doing?" I was like, "I'm dying." They're like, "Death looks great on you. Keep doing it." Yeah, I recently had an emotional breakdown, and I know that everyone can tell because I got these obnoxious highlights.

You know, have you guys ever gotten a haircut so bad your husband turns on location tracking? Thank you. I am controlling, though, in my relationship. I like to micromanage. All that means is that my husband microdoses mushrooms and then I manage it. So it's great.

Also, a little fun fact for you all. The vagina walls are really strong. They can actually crack an egg. It's called a miscarriage over easy. Okay. That's a very happy audience we have here tonight. Very giving. Very giving. Very compassionate people. Yeah. Defined by empathy. Caitlin, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like two years. Two years. Where at?

Dallas. And now you live here or you're still in Dallas? No, I just come up from time to time to sign up for mothership. And I've tried to sign up for Kill Tony a couple of times too. Okay, and here you are. Would you say that that's your best minute? I mean, it's good enough. For what exactly? What is it good enough for? I'm curious to know where that's good enough. So...

So I've been trying really hard to not give a bunch of sex jokes. Right. Because I feel like that's really easy to make jokes about it. So I've been trying to be a little bit more clean. And that was me doing that attempt. Right. Miscarriages. Yes. Yes, good old clean miscarriages. Everything up until that. Everything up until that fell flatter than your chest. Oh. Thanks.

That's the only A you're getting are the bra size. It's true. It's true. Welcome. You should eat a lot more and you'll have huge jugs. It worked very well for me. I'll take notes. I'll take notes on that. Yeah. Caitlin, what do you do for work?

So I have been a stripper and a sex coach for a while. Where are you a stripper at exactly? What dilapidated comedy club are you a stripper at? It's at the Lodge in Dallas. Wow. What's your stage name? Bratz Doll? Bratz Doll. Or Mad at My Dad Barbie. That one too? Yeah, no. Don't do any more bits. Yeah.

Fair. Fair. I got it. Just look at your tits. Oh my God. Tiny little tiny little yellow M&M's everybody. Who wants one? There you go. Uh

All right. You look healthy, you know? Whoever you got your hair from had good hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Yes, you're welcome. Yes. It is incredible. That is-- How many Dalmatians have you tried to kill? The hairstyle is incredible. More than I can count, yeah. Right. So you're a stripper and a sex coach. This is incredible. I don't think we've ever had a sex coach on this show before. What can you teach us? I'm right here.

Anyone need any tips? This is all you need. This is all, this is it. That really is, that is. Come hither! That is true. Yeah.

It's not bad. Go ahead. Give us some of your great advice. Like, what is your, if you're a sex coach, what would your, like, fumble-rooski play be? Ooh. So, a lot of it has to do with communication, right? Boring! Oh! Welcome to the kingdom of boredom, ladies and gentlemen. Oh!

Out of all the sex coaching, nothing better than talking to a loved one. Oh, don't you just want to hear their voice some more after a long dinner? Wouldn't it just be great to talk about what you want? I'm getting hard just thinking about it. All right, what else? All right, all right, all right.

Oh no, Hans did something brave. He finally earned a headline. Okay, seriously, tell us about the communication that you're talking about.

Yeah, communication and oral is great because if you don't do it, you'll go blind. Just so you know. Remember what we said about bits. Okay, I'll stop. Be yourself. You're an enchanting, you're a charming person. Thank you. Yeah, appreciate it. So tell us more. I mean, that communication and oral, that's kind of like what?

first base of coaching? What would be like your master class? Like if we paid vast sums of money, what would be the point? Yeah, because it's hard to talk with your mouth full, you know? That is also accurate. So master class, it would be, fuck man, I keep, I'm sorry, I'm nervous. I am not going to talk, I'm not going to talk about communication again. Definitely not. If you were going to... Lube is great. First of all, lube is amazing.

A lot can... lube can take you very far. Do they pay you for your coaching? That's like state in the obvious. Yeah, they do. Yeah. Also, I have a talk show on Pornhub, but you can't find it right now. Very good, Michael Gonzalez. Wow, I've never heard you fucking play the Pornhub theme like that. I thought you were saying very good as if play her off. I thought... No. Is that what that sounds like? God. God.

I can't really listen to it when I'm on the bus, you know? By the way, Tony, you could still watch Pornhub if you have ExpressVPN. That is true. Use the promo code KILLTONY and save 20% off your first month. So, Caitlin, you have a husband. Yes. How long have you been with him?

- Five years now. - Five years, what does he do for a living? - Let me guess, plays bass in a rockabilly band. - Ooh. - That's a great fucking guess. - He's a lawyer actually, and he's a comedian, so he signed up for this tonight. - Oh, geez Louise. - Incredible. - I really hope he comes out here. You guys seem to have a relationship built on humor. - Yeah. - How long has he been doing standup? - He's been doing it for six years now. - And so you saw him and you're like, "I can do that."

- I did improv for a little while and we met around the same time. You're not wrong, you're not wrong about that. - Okay. - Yeah. - All right, Kaitlyn Kaye. Well, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. This is an official little joke book by the great Bones Eye. Can you catch it? - There you go. - Here you go, boom. There you go, very good. - Good work, Kaitlyn. - Here she goes, Kaitlyn Kaye, everybody. Getting the show started.

She's a sex coach everybody. Oh look it's the lovely Heidi everyone. You know I love this band. I don't know if you can see them on the screen. You can pan around a little bit. You know you got the horn players, Michael Gonzalez. I just want to let all of you know everybody that I love you and it can be therapeutic to hear that and some of us can't afford therapy.

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Wow, that's a lot for you to read, Red Band. It's incredible how good of a job you did. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code SPACE80 to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Talkspace.com slash Tony, promo code SPACE80. This podcast is sponsored by Mood.

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All right, your next comedian, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Tanner Aurora or Tanvir Aurora, perhaps. Oh, okay, here we go. Hey. Have you all ever felt like punching someone in the face, but then you held back because you practiced this form of meditation called being on a visa? I've been in this country 15 years. I'm still on a visa. That's insane, man.

And quite honestly, now is when I feel the most American I've ever felt in my life. Because I was recently diagnosed with anxiety, depression, bipolar, you name it. I'm really trying hard to fit in with y'all, man. Come on. I recently had a baby and I'll be honest, I never thought of myself to be like a dad, you know? I never thought I'll have that emotional connection with a child. But the day my daughter was born, I held her in my arms for the very first time. I got emotional. I started crying. You know why? Because that was the moment I realized this little thing

is a citizen of the United States. And I'm sitting on a fucking visa? What's up with that? That'll be my time. Thank you. Tanvir Aurora. Welcome. Thank you. Thank you. Hi. Thank you for doing a good job. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. It's been pretty tough so far. All right. We had to pretend that Hans was good, and then...

What did I miss? Literally nothing. Okay. Yeah. That's great. That's great. Immigrants for the win. Well, let's pause the breaks. Yeah. One step at a time. I shouldn't have said that. Sorry. One step at a time. No, you're good. You're good. Tanvir, how long have you been doing stand-up? About eight years. Eight years? Where have you been doing it for eight years? San Antonio, Texas. Oh. Wow. Okay. That's where you live? Yep. That's where you work? That's where I work. That's as far as you got, huh? You're like, I'm staying here. Yep. Yeah.

I moved from Mumbai, India, straight to San Antonio, Texas. Wow. Don't ask me why. The Paris of South Texas. It is. What made you pick San Antonio exactly? It was... I don't know. I just haven't... No one picks San Antonio like that, but... I mean, I love the city, but... What did you do? You just blew a dart at the map? That's my next place of attack. Um...

Hell yeah. It was a reflex, I apologize. It was a reflex.

No, I got a job there and that's it. What was your job? Trying to assassinate Indiana Jones? And I was successful, wasn't I? No, no, no. He wanted that one. It's the temple of doom. No, I do IT. Oh, okay. What exactly do you do with IT? Oh, you have a follow-up question. Yes.

Let's keep mining this vein, yes. Oh, it's actually interesting. My new job is to, like, talk to cl-- Steal identities. Hey, that's nostalgic as fuck, but... His new stage name is, uh, Scam Patterson, everybody.

I actually have a story about Cam Patterson, can I? Well, I mean, if you want to, okay, sure. Is he going to like this? Probably. So Cam was in San Antonio just a couple of weeks ago and at the station comedy club that I am part owners with. And Cam drops in. Everyone knows Cam. Everyone's like excited about it. I do not know who Cam was. Oh. And I was just running a late show and I go in there and Cam's like, can I go up? I'm like, yeah, you can do three minutes. Oh, okay.

And then I walk off and everyone gave me shit for that. They're like, what the fuck did he do? Right. He's Cam Patterson. And then Cam, I heard Cam say, apparently I'm not that big in San Antonio. Well, at least you didn't call the cops. I'm thankful for Cam. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I love it. So you're originally from Mumbai. What were you doing out there? Oh, just living with my parents. Yeah.

- Oh. - Doing nothing. Studying for, or finding ways how to come to America. - Wow. - Yep. - And what was your plan? How did you end up executing this plan? - I got a master's degree in College Station, Texas at A&M. - Oh, nice. - No, fuck that place, no. - Whoa. - No, imagine I moved from Mumbai, India to fucking College Station, Texas, all right? No, that was, people come to this country to upgrade their lives. I fucking was, no, no.

No, it was, I was, I started slumming in America. That's not how it should have been. No. - Wow. Slumdog millionaire over here. - In reverse, in reverse. - Incredible. Now, did you ride on top of the train the whole way to America? - No, no, no. He took a carpet, you fool. - Oh, a carpet. - Yes. - It's a shy one. - Wrong and wrong. It was an airplane, y'all. It was an airplane. - Oh no, that's not good. Oh no, we don't like your type on airplanes.

No, you didn't. I love it. What do you do for fun, Tanvir? When you're not doing stand-up comedy, what do you like to do? You ever go to the Lodge strip club and look at the tiniest tits you've ever seen in your life? I have not, bud. That sounds like a good idea after this. All nipples out there. It's all nipples. That's what they say. 100% nips. You can read her like Braille. Yeah.

- Yeah. - D. Yeah. D, sorry, D can't read. - You're doing a yellow M&M, there you go. - I would try it, but you know, I'm on a visa, I'm not risking that shit. I'm not doing that. - D, you can read. - I lost D, all right. - You have a baby, you said. - I do have a baby. - How old's your baby? - She's two and a half now. - Two and a half. - Yep. - Very good. And what does your wife do? - Oh, fuck.

We recently separated. Oh, what happened exactly? Tell us, give us the dirt. You're on a podcast now. Well, have you stoned her to death yet? I cheated. Whoa. Wow. You couldn't keep your little snake in its pants. How enchanting was that flute music? How many people watched this again? Millions. Yeah, yeah.

The most. But in my defense, it was with the dude. Whoa, wait. Tell us more. I'm hard as a rock. Ah, there you go. I shouldn't say rock around you either. No, I actually say comedy. I blame comedy for it. It made me like explore. Like, okay, coming to America, I explored things. I learned about things. And I'm like, all right, you can follow different religions. You can explore your sexuality. Shut up, dude.

Coming to--okay. How good was Debussy? How did you end up with the dude? What are you talking about? I went on Grindr and... You just wanted to experiment? This was the first time thing for you? Yeah. And you'd never been with a man before? No. So you downloaded the Grindr app. Yep. Right? Your heart's beating out of control. Yep. 'Cause you're like, "What am I doing?" "I've never done anything like this before. This is crazy." You thought it was the DoorDash app?

That would have been hot, honestly. Basically, Dick Dash is what it is. So you download the app, and then what happens? Take us step by step through it. Shit. Oh, shit. Downloaded the app, looked at a bunch of guys, talked to a few, settled on one, and sucked his dick.

And then, this is unbelievable. - This is, I cannot believe I'm saying this. - I love it. This is great. This is what a great interview looks like, ladies and gentlemen. How about a hand for Tan Deer? - Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. - Sometimes, sometimes you just gotta take your medicine and swallow it. Speaking of which, did you finish him off to completion? - Hell yeah. Like a true American, all right?

Give me that green card now. Come on. Was he like, can I come on your turban? You won't believe that's a fetish people have. Is it really? The number of times people have asked me to do it. Wait, how many dicks have you sucked since then?

We opened up the gateway, huh? It's like I keep digging my grave. I don't know why I should leave. You're doing a great job. Thank you. Everyone's laughing. Thank you, thank you. Now, when you suck these dicks, did you at all...

Did you think about your newborn child at all while you were... Oh, my God. I am gonna cry. Everywhere you go, you have a comrade, so it works out for you. There you go. Whoa! Red band. Red band from three... I'll allow that. I'll allow that. Okay. So...

It sounds like after you did this, you started doing it a lot more. Yes. Right. It's kind of like it's your whole thing. I'm not a gem. What? It's all right. What, Sam? It's like it's your whole thing now. It defines you. Have you been... I'm in comedy as well. Right, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're sucking at many things at once.

So is that your thing? Mostly just sucking men's penises or have you experimented with other things as well? No, that's it. That's about it. You just love sucking cock and having a good time. Yep. Telling jokes and sucking dicks. That's my thing. Would you like to do a spot at the secret show on this one? Fuck yeah!

I'm kidding. I'm joking. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. Okay, you got it. Actually, just book them. Who gives a fuck? Five minutes. All right. Thank you so much. No, hold on. I got questions for you, Tambor. This is too interesting. I think there's a lot of people at home that are stuck with a wife they don't love and

are probably thinking about doing gay shit, and I want them to hear more about your story. - It might keep them up at night, honestly. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Has this made you happy? Has it brought you joy? - Honestly, yeah. It's freeing. You don't have to hide it anymore. This is who I am, and it's out there. - It's who you are. - Yeah. - It's who you are. Absolutely incredible, yeah. - Thank you. Thank you.

If people in India watch this, I'm fucking banned from India, by the way. I'm not allowed there now. That's good. It's very true. It is. My parents are going to disown me after this. This is happening. Well, at least you're going to do the secret show. Exactly.

A final sugar daddy on that show. - So how many San Antonio dicks do you think you've sucked? Have you sucked allah allah the dicks? - Interestingly, no Indian or Pakistani dicks yet. - My man. - True American, man. - Real American soldier. - Absolutely. All right, well Tanvir, very amazing interview, fun set. Here's a big joke for Tanvir.

Congratulations. Welcome. All right, we're having fun. All right. We're cooking. Tanvir left his wife and a baby to just go suck cock. You gotta love it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Miller Ford, everybody. Miller Ford. What's up, everybody? I'm Miller Ford. I have been told I look like Matthew McConaughey with Down syndrome.

At least that's what my mom always told me. My eyes are too close together, your chick's out. I don't know about you guys, but I hope whoever hired Pete Davidson as a celebrity spokesman of Taco Bell got a raise, 'cause I've never seen someone who looks more like how Taco Bell makes me feel. Tattooed and pale on the inside. Yeah, I'm in a successful relationship right now. It's my first age gap relationship. I think it's going well, 'cause I just went to her graduation. I did not know middle schools had those things.

Yeah, everybody, every time I tell somebody I'm in an age gap relationship, they look at me like I'm some kind of creep or master manipulator. That is not the case at all. I met my girlfriend the normal way. I was her fifth grade PE coach. Yeah, I just got her number. We stayed in touch during holidays, and I checked in on her mom when she was sick, you know? Guys, thank you so much. My name's Miller Ford. It's awesome to be here. Okay, wow. Someone enjoyed it.

Glad you're having a blast, Miller Ford. That was creepier than it was funny. Thank you. It was a frightening set. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three and a half years. Oh, Jesus Christ. No way. Oops. Oops is right. What? I tried. Like talking and the jokes into the microphone? Yeah, yeah, you know. He didn't say how long you've been standing up. It's true. Stand-up comedy? Today, yes, stand-up comedy, yes.

Three and a half years. Where at? Where have you been doing this at? In Aspen, Colorado. Oh, okay. Yeah. Killing it. There's a crazy open mic scene in Aspen. Let me tell you. I saw you. I saw you. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. What do you do for work? I manage a restaurant. Okay. What restaurant? It's called Pussyfoot Steeps. Okay. It's named after...

How old are you? I am old. I'm 43. 43 years old. Yes. Managing a restaurant in Aspen. Do you have a pituitary disorder? I do. You do, right? If I knew what a pituitary was, I would... Why haven't you aged and you look frail? I quit drinking eight years ago. That was a helper. That's one of your better stories.

What made you quit drinking? What was your bottom? Oh, I drank a lot. Oh, my bottom is actually, it went viral. Did you get your dick sucked by that guy?

Not yet. Tell us about your bottom that went viral. Well, it went viral, so it's really easy to access. All you need to do is type it in. Why don't you just fucking tell us? It's okay. It's just Miller Ford Aspen. Just type it in, Miller Ford Aspen. And I said something funny to the police when they were arresting me in the New York... The Associated Press picked it up afterwards. Did you think it was funny, or was it actually funny? It was funny when I read it, like...

Two years later. You didn't tell us what it is. I said to the police when they asked me, is that cocaine up your nose? I said, of course it's cocaine up my nose. It's Aspen. And then that boy just went.

And it was everywhere. And then the next thing you know, you're managing a restaurant. Trickle-down effects works there. So it's like, it's nice there. Okay. How did that make the fucking news? I don't know. The New York Daily News picked it up like two days later. And then it was like on smoking. Yes. Oh, wow. Look at your head there. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Yes. You look like TJ Miller. Thank you. Thank you. Oh,

Oh, my God. That is a before and after picture if I've ever seen one. Yes. That could be you, too. Look at your bloated and flamed face. Yes. Oh, my God. That is incredible. The love child of Nick Nolte. Wow. Now, when that guy got that picture taken, were you funny then? Ha!

Yes, to certain crowds, I would say. What makes you stay in Aspen? Why Aspen? I love to ski. I like the people. The community is great. And trickle-down effect works there. You don't snowboard? I don't. Why is that? Have you tried it? No, I have never tried. I tried snowboarding, and I was like, I'm going to hurt myself doing this. I should probably stick with it. You made us all bored tonight.

That's how some people... That's how villains are created, ladies and gentlemen. I have nothing to lose. I manage Pussyfoot Jenkins Seafood Restaurant in Colorado. Hans, can I borrow your AR-15? Incredible. What's your love life like? You seem like your dick doesn't work.

It's good. I've been in a very happy relationship for the past three years, and it's been nice, man. What does she do? She is currently out in California counting spotted owls. Yes. So she's completely made up? Thank you. That is the most insane pussy lie I've ever heard. Yeah. No one can call you on that besides, like, well-known ornithologists. I've lied about getting some snooch. Don't worry, man. All right?

Yeah, my wife was born a woman. Wait, I think I hear a spotted owl. D Madness is doing that with his hands somehow. I don't know how he's doing that. So let me ask you, do you believe that she's just out in California looking for spotted owls? You believe her? You trust her after hearing Tanvir just cheated on his baby mama with dicks? I...

It's a wild world we're living in. I do believe she's just counting owls, yeah. Okay, so you think you dick her down hard enough for her to go to California and just check out owls and she's totally happy? What's your special move in the bedroom? I don't think it's the dick. It's more of the mouth. What do you do with your mouth exactly? Can you show us? Can we get some pussy eating music and a spotlight? One, two, one, two, three, four. ♪

Oh, that's her asshole, bro. That's her ass. Oh, whoa. Whoa, okay. How long is her clit? It's a combination of both. Okay, what do you-- Wait, don't lick the microphone. Put the microphone down. There you go. Show us. Okay, there you go. Now he's getting into it. Face the audience. Show them. Oh, oh. Whoa. Oh. Keep going. All right, that's good.

Miller Ford. Anything else crazy we should know about you? About your entire life? You know, that and yeah, man, I am so fucking I never have signed up for this. I came to Austin to do the open mics for a month and all of a sudden they said my name and my brain just fucking exploded. And I'm so happy to meet you, see you, Sam, again. And it's just, dude, Austin, this is fucking awesome.

Look out at the audience. Are your eyes slowly getting closer together? He's turning into a fucking cyclops right in front of us right now. Miller, here's a joke book. Congratulations. There he goes. Miller Ford. Thanks, everybody. All right, we're going to do something special right now, live on the show. You're going to get to meet a...

A brand new comedian. I met her after I did stand up at the Ryman Auditorium, a.k.a. the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville. There was a big comedy festival going on. And my squad told me that she's an amazing comedian. She said she's coming to Austin. I said, I guarantee you a spot. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut. The first minute ever done by the great

Brand new Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen. Fiona Cauley, everyone. Make some noise for Fiona, everybody. You can do better than that. All the way from Nashville, Tennessee, her Austin, Texas debut and her Kill Tony debut. All at once. One more time for Fiona Cauley, everybody.

We can talk about it. I've been in a wheelchair for a few years now, and the most common question I get, people want to know what is the hardest part about living life from a wheelchair. And, you know, for me personally,

The hardest part is just how unaware everyone is of what a great ass I have. Take my word for it. Y'all know how men will brag about like, "Ah, I fucked her so good she couldn't walk the next day." Rude.

Well, I'm looking for a man who can bug me so good that I can. Fiona Cawley has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. Hello, Fiona. How are you? You are the hottest chick in a wheelchair I've ever seen. And he's done the research. It's a thing. Old Hot Wheels over there.

So Fiona, what is, first of all, hilarious, amazing. Yeah, great work, great jokes. Thank you. Amazing. Funnier than all the bucket pools. Yeah, amazing. So what is your condition? I have a rare neurological disease called Friedreich's ataxia.

It's progressive. It affects your muscles. So it's going to get worse? Yeah, hell yeah. Party time. Well, that's a feather in your cap. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years.

Three years, all of it in Nashville? - Yeah. - I love it. You leave Nashville a lot? Traveling sucks probably, right? - Yeah. - Tremendously? - Yeah, it's fuckin' awful. This is my traveling chair, though, so. - The accessory drove you all the way down to Austin? - Yeah. - That's good. - Great gas mileage. - It is.

I see you got a white claw there. You're able to get a little trashed, huh? Oh, yeah. I mean, you never know how drunk you are until you stand up, so... Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Get him. Do more. So, tell us more about your life, Fiona. I'm interested in finding out more about your anything. Yeah, I'm a big ramp enthusiast. You mean the incline, not the delicious root vegetables. Correct, yeah. Vegetables don't eat vegetables. Wow. So...

A cold-blooded assassin. I love it. Fiona, so what is your love life like? I have a boyfriend. Ooh la la. Yeah, even me. All right, I love it. And what does he do? He's a comedian. Okay, all right. And you guys met at like an open mic or something? At Zany's in Nashville, yeah. One of the best comedy clubs in the country. Hell yeah. No doubt about it. Zany's in Nashville. Mm-hmm.

Okay, so you met him there, and then how does that go? What do you guys do on a first date? You guys go roller skating or something? Oh, my God. Okay, this is true. Okay, we went to eat food, and then we went back to my place, and he turned on Love on the Spectrum. Oh, shit. Yeah. Well, he didn't want to ask what you had, you know? He was just...

He's like, "Hey, I like this show. Do you ever really relate to these guys? 'Cause they're living normal lives, you know?" Yeah. Okay, so love on the spectrum, and then what happens? Does he make a move on night one? No, he would not let me kiss him. Oh, my goodness gracious. Is he a burn victim?

- Yeah, why would he let you kiss him? What is he, a gay Indian man? - Nah, he thought this would be contagious, but... - Now, how long have you been with this gentleman?

- Nine months. - Nine months. And was there any fear initially that he might be like a perv and trying to fetishize you? - Yeah, I think the hard part about dating when you're in a wheelchair is like, first off, you gotta find out, like, are you the first, second, or third? If you-- - Are you talking about the gears on your chair? - Yeah.

You really can only have one, though. Like, if he does this again, it's... You're on a list somewhere. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, a list to say don't let them dine upstairs. Yeah. Yeah, we don't allow any four-wheelers around here. You know what I mean? But he's a short man, and short men fucking love women in wheelchairs. Hell yeah, they do. Hell yeah. They can tower over them at all times. Yeah.

It's a short man's delight. Short man's wet dream, yeah. I'm just thinking about your tiny boyfriend sitting like a cat in your lap as you motor around, you know? Absolutely incredible. Does he ever skitch on the back of the chair? Yeah. The little fucking, yeah. Like a skateboard or a sled or something? Yeah, no. Sidecar on my fucking...

I love it. You have a lot of money. Can you build her a sidecar for that thing? Yeah. Yeah, we could. That'd be great. We'll save it for the home chair, though, not the travel chair. Yeah, yeah. We don't want to clutter up the travel chair. I met Fiona in Denver, and she opened a show that I was doing, and she was very funny. And this is great. You did such a good job. You also carried me up a flight of stairs. And I didn't cop a feel. Not even.

It's true. It's true. Yes, I did. I did not. I was a gentleman about it. Yes. The whole time. That's so nice. Did I think I could probably get away with this? Yes, I did. You're like, can't she feel it? Fiona Pauly. Love it. How long are you in Austin for? Till Friday. Till Friday.

Happy to have you on The Secret Show. Yeah.

Thursday night. Thursday night. That's when your show is. Upstairs, yes. Oh, you have an elevator? We got a couple big guys. Sunset Strip, I did a show there. Okay, cool. Okay, yep. We're going to carry you all the way to the fucking mountaintop, Fiona. I feel like a star was born here tonight. You did an excellent job. No doubt about it.

And to confirm that a star is born, we have a very special guest that's swung by tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, making a little cameo. Make some noise for one of the greatest comedians of all time, and without a doubt, the greatest female stand-up comedian of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, popping in to say hello, friend of the show, fellow Texan, Roseanne Barr. ♪♪

Make some noise for Roseanne one more time. The queen has arrived. Fiona, I noticed you didn't stand up. As I stumble my way drunkenly to the...

I just want to say, you killed it. You were the fucking comedy assassin on that roast. Oh, thank you, Roseanne. The comedy assassin, no fear, no limits, no boundaries. Fuck you, bitch. Well, I learned from my comedy store forefathers and foremothers.

And you're one of my four mothers. This, it's lovely to see all these young people here. I love, I'm 72 fucking years old. I'd live this long, hence I would never have done all the drugs and drinking if I knew I was going to live this long. I would have took better care of myself, you know. Whatever. It's nice to see you all.

Well, I just dropped in because, you know, I wanted to watch people. And you started at my comedy club in Denver, The Comedy Works. Yes, ma'am. Yep. Isn't that something? You are so funny. I've never seen you before. Tony said you're going to be blown away by this guy. I am blown away. I'm blown away with how funny you are, Mr. Talent. Thank you. Thank you, Roseanne. Thank you.

It's very kind of you to say. He's pretty good, ain't he? From Denver, this guy, all tattooed. It's so great. Could have just said I was funny, but yeah. It's so awesome.

It's good to know at your old age your eyesight still works. It's also crazy of you to brag about being 72 in front of Fiona, you know? Yeah, she's not going to make it to 72. Why? She's got wiggle bone or something. I don't know. She's got one white claw now. She's going to have two in a few months. Well...

here as the comedy grandma to the comedians, you know. And you know I love to encourage when I see talent. I love to encourage because I love the comedians because this is, here I go. I'm drunk and I'm on I'm drunk as fuck and I'm on the mushrooms. I started doing I started doing

I started doing the mushrooms and it's really helping and tomorrow I'm going to the ketamine clinic. It's gonna be so, I'm gonna be over the depression of the anti-Semitism running fucking wild. I'm gonna deal with it. You know, I'm gonna be able to deal with it. - Not on this show. - I'm gonna be able to deal with it. - I heard ketamine fixes everything, almost everything Fiona.

I hope so. We need help. But there's too much hate, you know? And the thing is, here's my Jewish grandmother blessing on you, my child. Wait, did you just take coins out of her pocket? What kind of Jewish blessing is that? That's a stereotype right there. Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na. Goddamn, what a great fucking drop. What a fucking great band. Woo!

The bonus band is great. Y'all are great. I love you. I just want to say, I think you are just so great. Everyone loves you. You are the essence of what makes a comedian. Stop laughing and I'll slap your fucking face. I'm being serious to you. I'm, you know,

I didn't start the ketamine. That's when you get nice, they say. I'll be able to get nice. That would be so cool. But you are the essence of a comedian, a great one, because you know why? You go down into that fucking pain. She can't go up. You go... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Did she just kick you? No, I'm reading the room. I'm sorry, ma'am. You're making me want to go off on your fat ass in about one minute. When I'm praising people. And I praised you, so shut up. Because you are great.

But you are the essence of what makes a great comedian. You're not afraid to dig down in that fucking well of pain that I'm sure you've lived with. Am I right? You lived with it, and you turned it into something of joy and beauty. God love you, baby. You're going to be a star. Boom.

Your jokes are well written. Your premises are fantastic. You're brave, you're beautiful, and you're funny as shit, and I love you. - Roseanne Barr with a little fucking wisdom. The queen bee. Make some noise for Texas' own Roseanne Barr. - That's right. Yeah, what the fuck is right, Fiona?

- I'm gonna cry. - That's okay. Just don't get your tears on your joystick. I don't want you to fly into the audience. No stage diving here tonight. I don't want that thing to fucking short circuit. Fiona, you just got your flowers from one of the all-time GOATS Roseanne bar. You had an amazing set. Sam, anything else? - No, I thought you were talking about me, but yes. Also, Roseanne seems to have taken a liking, so that's good.

That's true. Yeah. Where's Roseanne's chair? What do you mean? Her wheelchair. Oh, no. She's good. Fully operational. 72 years old. Killing it. On mushrooms. Drunk as a skunk. Hilarious. Cool as fuck. We love Roseanne.

Denver legend, Roseanne. Absolutely. And Fiona, you too are now an Austin legend. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Enjoy the rest of your week. You're on The Secret Show. You're doing it. We love you. Time to back that ass up. Fiona Cawley, ladies and gentlemen. Follow her on social media. F-I-O-N-A-C-A-U-L-E-Y. Cawley. C-A-U-L-E-Y. One more time for Fiona. You can run into him. He's blind. It's okay.

It's all good. He's blind. It's all right. He's fine. Oh, Red Band. Red Band, you're out of control tonight. Jesus Christ. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen...

It's time for a legend. One of our esteemed regulars, one of the best ever in the show's history. Make some noise for one of your favorites, the one, the only, Cam motherfucking Patterson. All right, let's talk about beating bitches. So listen.

I know y'all seen that Diddy shit. Diddy was hitting that girl in that elevator. Did you see it? Fuck you then, nigga. It's not for you. If you did see it though, Diddy be the bitch. And a long time ago, and my auntie a thug. My auntie a real street nigga. And she sent me the video. And she was like, "Hey, fuck nigga. You becoming somebody in life. Don't be beating hoes. Dot, dot, dot on camera."

What kind of fucking backwards ass advice is that, dog? I'm going to be like, oh, shit. Never mind. Come over here real quick, bitch. That's crazy, bro. The crazy thing about the Diddy thing to me is like, I was always taught in my life, I don't, listen, look at me. I do not think hitting women is cool. It's not dope. You shouldn't do it. I was taught in my life, if you're going to be good at something, be the best at it.

And that nigga did it pretty fucking good at bitch beating. Listen, I've been trying to tuck a tile my whole life. I've been trying to tuck a tile my whole life. I could never tuck a tile and walk one step. This nigga tucked a tile around a fucking hallway and then kicked it with full velocity without the tile untucked. Listen, if I had to rate him like he was a diver, like he was a professional diver, I'd give him a nine. You feel what I'm saying? All right, that's it. Thank y'all so much.

Cam Patterson. - Game pilot. - Talking about beating bitches and tucking towels. - Come on, man. - Love it. If you need help learning how to tuck a towel, the comedian Tanvir can show you with his head wrap. - Gay, man. I didn't know he was gay, man. - Yeah. - That's crazy. - I think he's exploring. - Nah, that-- first of all, to be like, "I want to do some gay shit, but I'ma suck a dick first" is crazy, right? - No. - What do you do? - Nothing. None of that.

- The moment maker, Cam Patterson, hard at work. - Even though I do love gay people.

- Hell yeah. - I know. Hell yeah, man. - Keeping the gays on your side. - You gotta say it. You gotta tell them that. I love y'all niggas, man. Real shit. - Cam's running for president of the NAACP. I love it. - You really don't know how to tuck a towel? - Hell no. I never learned. - That is so interesting. - You know how to tuck a towel real good? - Yeah, man. - That's beast-middling 101. - You gotta learn how to do that. - I got a towel. - I don't know what you guys are talking about. - Talking about the wrapping. You wrap a towel around you, and then you...

you yank it a couple times, then you take the one part and you put it over. - I can't do that 'cause the-- - Things you can't do with the size of your waist. - Yes, thank you, yes. - You need a beach towel, perhaps. - Paper towel. - Yeah, I can't do it. It's one of the things I can't do. - Wow. - So to see him beat a bitch-- - It was-- - And that shit never untucked, I was like, this nigga not good, not a good guy.

but pretty goaded, bro. You know what I'm saying? - It sounds like he was inspirational to you. - I don't hit women. I would never hit a woman in my life. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. I hit that bitch, but never... - Yeah. - She's just talking too much, but that... Any other bitch I'd never hit. I'd never hit no one. - Been annoying all night. There's, like, a random kitty cat in the back of the room. "Meh!" - Yeah, that bitch is terrible. - Yeah, the worst. - Somebody should beat that bitch, but not me. - That's true. - Not Cam Patterson.

- The drummer going out of control over here.

Cam, how's life been? What's been shaking? We just got back from a crazy couple weeks in Los Angeles. What else? Shit been crazy. I went to Vegas for the first time. I almost bought some pussy for the first time. Yeah. I don't buy pussy. Pussy, I don't pay for it. I'm a real thug, so you can't buy pussy. And where I'm from, you feel what I'm saying? But I almost did it. But then it got like... The thing that stopped me from doing it was I walked outside in Vegas and it was like morning.

And then I was like, "Nah, I can't buy no pussy in the morning. That's crazy. You can't buy pussy at 6:00 a.m. You got to buy pussy at night. That's why you buy pussy." -It's not a sunrise activity. -Yeah, that's some fucked-up shit. -4:00 p.m. is the best pussy you can buy. -Huh? -4:00 p.m. is the best pussy you can buy. It's fresh. You know, you get that 6:00 a.m. one. -Red Band, you fucking scare me sometimes. You put real fear in my heart. Some days, I be like, "Red Band is gonna kill somebody one day. I swear to God. I love you though, nigga."

He loves you, N-word. I'm just kidding. So you did-- But what made you want to buy pussy first? Man, I just seen a bitch, and I was like, "I'll pay for that."

And then you're like, nah. Yeah, I walk outside, I'm like, never mind, bitch. That's crazy. So you're a gentleman. I'm a good guy, man. You feel what I'm saying? But I'm pussy dancing. It don't make no sense to me, bro. I've also, like, I've fucked a lot of strippers in my life. So, like, seeing a stripper that I be fucking and her getting money from another nigga, it's like, made me feel happy. Like, you paying to see this bitch dance. And I'm finna fuck her for free. You see what I'm saying? You get what I'm saying, right? Lame ass nigga. Nah, I'm just kidding.

We live very different lives, you and I. It's nice. That's why you got to stay friends with the young generation, 'cause they keep you fresh, you know? -Come on, man. We like this. -You know I'm with the movement. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Yeah, yeah. The whole scene, man. Oh, yeah. All right. -Amazing, Cam. -Oh, man. What else is going on in your world? Anything else fun happening? Man, oh, them fuck niggas on Reddit got me. They got on my head for a second. -Why? What? -They said I had stole a duke.

Yeah, you seen that shit? And I saw the joke, it was close. I will tell you that. I mean, that happens. I'm like, oh, shit. Wait a minute, brother. Oh, fuck. Literally only so many premises out there. It can be close. That happens. Yeah, but I talked to a buddy. We talked about it. Nigga name was Avada or some shit. He like an Indian nigga. Yeah. You know what? He an Indian nigga. You're going to say all the fun words. What? You. You can say Indian? No, no.

You can say Indian as long as you want to. Say it. Do it real quick. Indian. -Indian. -Nigga. There you go. Some teamwork there. Interesting. Yeah. So, what else? What else is going on? What else? Shit, I went back to my family reunion for a second. That was pretty cool. Other than that, nigga, you know what I'm saying? Same shit. -You went to a family reunion? -Yeah. Where's the airbrushed T-shirt? Hey, no!

- Real shit though? I think my family going broke, man.

'Cause I went back, and usually we got like a T-shirt every year. We always have a T-shirt. And this shit, they were like, "The thing for this year is bring like an old T-shirt." I was like, "Nigga, why? We can't make no new ones, nigga?" You know what I'm saying? I think we losing our money or something. - You're just all wearing the "In Memoriams" from last year. T-Ray would've wanted this. He loved cornhole.

What do you guys do at your family reunion? What exactly takes place? Hey, shit, really, I hang out with all my cousins. I can't see that much. Oh, I took my cousins to a rave. That was cool. A rave? So I went back home. I did a show at a place called Coastal Cradle. And then that same night, they were like, hey, by the way, we having a rave. You want to come back? And all my cousins were like, thug. So I was like, this is going to be very interesting to see.

So it was a social experiment. Yeah, really, it was. You're like Darwin. I was doing this shit for comedic purposes. I was like, I want to see these niggas behave in a rave. And then at first it was like really weird because they were like, I don't like the smell in here. That's what they were really upset about. And then we just got drunk and they were just dancing and having a good time like everybody else was. It was cool. Black guys do smell very good. Yeah, we always smell good. No gay shit, though.

That's a big deal. Smelling good's a big deal. But let's go back to the family reunion. What kind of food was served? Come on, what you think, Tonya? I just want to hear you say it. I want to tell you. We had, uh, we had, uh, um, um, crepes, nigga. Wait, you had fried chicken crepes? Oh, no!

That was the whitest thing I could think of in the moment. I couldn't think of shit that-- - Very good. - Hats off. - Free say good morning, up. Good morning, up. We had green bean casserole, nigga. - Ooh, okay. - I'm lying, that's y'all. That's what y'all do. I'm just making it sound good for the rest of y'all. You know what I'm saying?

Me and the whites, nigga. That's right. The whites love Cam, and Cam loves the whites and the gays. Yeah. Make some noise for fucking Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. The man, the myth, the legend. On to the next one. Another name out of the bucket. We're going to meet him all together now, ladies and gentlemen. Cam.

Make some noise for New Logan, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for New Logan. How's everybody doing? Real quick, everybody, do a handstand on your head if you're not gay. Oh, shit, I guess everybody in here is gay. That's cool. I like gay people, though. Let me get a round of applause. Who here wants a free NBA jersey? Let me see. Who wants it? Whoever wants it the most, I'll fucking give it to you. Who the fuck wants it? Let's go. We do.

Keep your hands raised. Keep them up. Keep them up. Oh, shit. It's a Josh Giddy jersey. You want it? Boom! Sorry. This is a bad set, y'all. I ran here from my house about five miles away, so that's why I'm all sweaty. But I'm not too tired that I can't still fuck Roseanne later, so thank y'all.

Wow. New Logan. Step up to that microphone. Let's talk about it. Absolutely fucking terrible. How unfunny was old Logan? Old Logan was yesterday, so this is actually the first day of being new Logan. New Logan. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? This is my first try. Your first time out. And you chose here on this show to attempt it. Yeah. To see how it goes. Instead of a...

a room full of people where you could try it out and get a feel for it. - Not in front of Sam Talent though.

I thought he would really like my Josh Giddy material. You wanted to bomb in front of Sam Tallon. Very good. Mission accomplished, young man. All right. No, I mean, that is very brave to come up here on the largest live podcast in the world and eat your own ass. That is... Yeah, if the show was all about bravery, you would be up there with the... You wouldn't even beat the gay Indian guy, actually, but it would be a hell of a run.

Logan, do you work here? Yeah, I do. I work in the box office. I thought I'd try my hand at a little bit of comedy tonight. What made you think that you could possibly do this? What happened exactly to where you're like, I could do that? I thought I could just come up here and just show my butthole to everybody. And opinions are like buttholes. Everybody's sharing them nowadays. Jesus. I didn't. Did you just do a meme? If you've watched, you know how much we hate when people do their first minute here on

Unless they're really naturally talented and efficient at it, and you're none of these things. Let's try to figure out what actually might be funny about you, Logan. Tell us about your life, your actual life, without trying to be funny because you're not good at that. This is the position that you put yourself in. You signed up for this. So while the sweat drips from your head, I'm just going to continue to ask questions like that. So what was your childhood like? Single mom growing up. Uh...

This is good, keep going. Let it out. Just hanging out with friends, riding my bike around, and then you become an adult, you don't really have as many great friend groups to hang out with, you know what I mean? So it's trying to get out there and... If you can't be funny, be bleak. That's what I always say.

- Yeah. - I was hoping someone would come in with like the sad music, but it didn't happen. - You were counting on Red Band's sound cue to save that. I mean, I saw the back that you were so bad you walked Fiona, you know? - Yeah, Fiona ran back to Nashville after seeing your set. And by the way, Tanvir is now straight again. So you are changing lives here today. It's absolutely incredible.

So new Logan, and you work at the box office here. I'm really good at the ticket stuff. Like, I'm really good at helping people. Who here has gotten a wristband from me before?

Thank you. I do a great job out there. Maybe I should stick to my day job, but you should stick to you. Definitely have to try things and have courage. What are other things that you've tried? Give us an example of some other things in life that you've tried like this, like a bold maneuver. You tried it. I called out Cam Patterson, race him in the back alley. And I'm the fastest at the mothership because you are very, very fast. I remember now you know, nobody else wants to race me. And I'm just kind of like the undefeated champ.

It's just awkwardly... - So you were engaged in a race war? Is that what you're saying? - Yeah. - That is brave. - So, you know, I thought coming up here and calling everybody gay would be brave, you know. They booed me. - Yeah, no one's fucking done that before. Welcome to my minute by minute life. So, Logan.

Most interesting thing about your entire life before I let you go? Anything that you can reference whatsoever? Any special skills or talents other than running fast, which I hope you do immediately after I dismiss you. And obviously graduating from the Weapon X program.

Yeah, whatever I do, it's going to be much different next time. And yeah, I'm going to be completely negative of what I just did. So it's going to be total opposite. How about the question about your entire life? Most interesting thing that you can reference about you? You ever save anybody's life, almost die, do anything cool, win a competition? Seeing the Northern Lights? Booing the Northern Lights? You're booing a colorful sky?

Jesus. Sorry, I'm sorry. Back to the question where you get to reference your entire life up until this point. I'm a rapper. You're a rapper? Yeah. Really? Okay, here we go. And I just wrote a song two days ago. Okay. Michael, give us a nice light beat. Can I get my phone real quick from the back? You need your phone to rap? All right, never mind. I'm good, I'm good. Can you improvise it? Yeah, yeah, that's cool. All right, Michael, give us a little beat. Shut up, booers.

Let's try to find out if he's as good at rapping as he is at comp. ♪ Stunned Adanya layups, man ♪ ♪ They look pretty sick, man ♪ ♪ How you kiss it off the glass with a lick ♪ ♪ It started off, I would dribble at the park as a kid ♪ ♪ Now just sit and let me talk ♪ ♪ Try not to walk with this shit, you see ♪

It ain't about a layup line. It's about another state in the mind. I see myself, I'm getting buckets in the defense's eyes and I just slice. It's like a piece of the pie. P-zone reaches, I could teach you the time. Could make a rhyme for the TikTok or the Vine. But instead I made a player attack the lane like I'm a monster. Always on the move. You could hack me if you want to. Always slap the motherfucking backboard like LeBron does. I stay in my bag.

- All right, all right, all right. - And I'm gonna keep staying in my bag. - In honor of being a white rapper, I'm gonna give you an M&M. No joke book for you. There he goes, New Logan, everybody. - New Logan, good boy. - On to the next one we go. Absolutely horrendous. - Even white rapping didn't save that guy. - Oh my God. At least he's good at selling tickets for other people's shows. - It's crazy to work here and see the best comedians in the world and be like, "I can go do that."

Yeah, it's crazy. So there you go. Lesson learned, everybody. That is how bad it can be. Make some noise for your next comedian. This guy's been on this show before. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Whalen, everybody. Tom Whalen. How we doing, guys? Yes. Stevie Wonder's in the house, guys. Give it up for him. Christ is king. Okay, that might sound anti-Semitic. I'm not anti-Semitic, okay?

I'm actually pro-Semitic, which means I think the Jews run Hollywood, but they're doing a great job, you know? Keep it up, Jews! Could you imagine if the Muslims ran Hollywood? Wouldn't be good. No titties. Could you imagine if the Catholics ran Hollywood? All little boys. No, I am. I'm Catholic. I'm such a good Catholic. I molested the priest. Fuck that priest. I gave him the body of Christ, and then I gave him the fucking body of...

Big T. You guys thinking about a 12 year old me fucking a priest right now? That's okay. That's okay. No, I am a Catholic. I think, you know, the motto for Catholicism should be sex is a vile act that I love because I'm disgusting. You know? Wow, there's a newer Logan, everybody. Absolutely incredible. Was Logan bad, Tony? Yes. Oh, shucks. You thought it was a compliment?

Well, Logan's a terrible name, yeah. So, no. Okay, Tom. So how long have you been doing stand-up? You've been on the show. I'm eight years. Eight years in, and that's the minute that you just did. I was actually calling the Uber, leaving, as my name was called. But no, I mean, you know. Has anyone ever told you you look like if somebody drowned Mel Gibson? No.

No, but I'll take that. Someone should drown Mel Gibson. No, I love Mel, guys. Give it up. You love Mel Gibson. I said Christ is king. How could I not love Mel Gibson? I've never been jealous of a molested child until right now. It is true. At least they have a story to tell. No, I wasn't molested. Stolen valor, huh? I molested the priest.

You and I could exchange some tales, I think. Some Boy Scout stories, you and I. No, no. Two comedians in a row we've got to watch come up dry and their faces are... Come on, Tony! You are profusely sweating. You look red as fuck right now. Are you going to claim to be Native American? No, I got vitamin D.

You get plenty of vitamin D, Tony. Very good. No, I love you, Tony. Hey, Tony, I do love you. I know I didn't do great tonight, but I want you to know. Guys, give it up for Tony for literally creating one of the best shows ever. I mean that. Give it up for him. Tom Whelan, everybody. There he goes. Thank you, Tom. There he goes. Unbelievably, these people are... You never know when an eight-year comedy vet's going to get addicted to drugs or something. I don't know what's going on there.

Your next name is inside. They signed up. They're one of you. There's an "I" in parentheses, which means they are inside. You're not gonna believe their name. You remember New Logan, everybody? This is also a Logan. So even though there was a Logan, and then I did a New Logan joke, I then pulled the name Logan Gut Connect. Oh, my God. Here, just go this way. Just come right on up.

Here's Logan, everybody. Oh, shit. Okay. Fuck yeah. Logan Gutkinect from the very front row, everybody. Another Logan. It's great following retarded Black Jack or Jack Black. Sorry. Just came up with that one. So I travel a lot. You have to go through time zones when you travel. And...

I don't get time zones. I really don't. Like, London is six hours ahead of New York. Why won't those bastards warn us about 9-11? Why won't they warn us? I think we can all agree slavery's bad. We can all agree slavery's bad. But I don't think that it's the government's position, you know, to force reparations. It should be a personal thing. That's why all my sugar babies are black. All right.

I love The Bachelor. I don't love being a bachelor, but I love The Bachelor. But it should be more realistic. More obese people should be on there so I can see myself in the mirror. But more obese people should be on The Bachelor. They should call it My 600-lb Wife. All right. Okay. Logan, gut connect. This crowd was so eager to laugh that he got some chuckles. That was good. I've also been staring at you for the last hour and a half. I know, yeah.

And you got up here and you spilled my damn water right on my balls and dick? Yeah, it's great sitting next to the sticky-- Both of them, Logan? Both? Hey, man, it's great sitting next to the sticky bandits. -Okay. -All right. Sorry, a Home Alone joke. No, no, it's okay. It's just do a reference from the last 25 years. That's all. Logan, is this your first time trying stand-up? It is, Tony, it is. Is this something that you've always looked forward to that you've wanted to do? Uh, yeah, I just never had the courage to do it.

How old are you? I'm 26. What do you do for work? Software engineer for a satellite company. And you work here in Austin, Texas? No, I'm from Seattle. Yeah, I flew in on Friday. You flew here on Friday. What did you fly to Austin, Texas for? This, actually. My brother and I got tickets. He's like, don't bring me into this. He's scared shitless. Did you sign up, too? Don't pull my name, he says. Did you sign up? He did sign up, yeah. What's your name?

Ethan, why don't you come up here and do a thing? The Seattle brothers. Come on up. It's okay. Just take a big step. There you go. Whoa, you didn't spill my water. Cool. It doesn't run in the family. Here it is. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ethan, everybody. Man, I'm happy I'm following him and not the make-a-wish event that happened here earlier. Or...

You know, new Logan. But anyway, obviously I'm visiting. So, you know, Logan and I have done a bunch of things. We went paddle boarding. And on the Uber ride back to our hostel, our Uber driver told us that there was brain-eating amoeba in, you know, Lady Bird Lake as we were there sitting there soaking wet in their backseat of our Toyota Corolla. Yeah. But that's not the craziest part. We got out of the Uber, and right here on East 6th Street,

I saw a cop arrest a homeless deaf dude. Yeah, it's crazy. It was wild. Took the words right out of his mouth with a pair of handcuffs. Two handcuffs. It was a bigger dude. I thought about bringing him here and introducing him to D Madness. Maybe they could like, you know, do small talk with three senses, you know? All right, guys. This was a bad idea on my part.

Here's a couple little joke books. There you go. Congratulations. You guys did anything crazy about your life, Ethan, that we should know about? Anything actually real? No, I'm trying to take more risks, so that's why I signed up. What's the riskiest thing you've ever done before this? Oh, well. In your entire life. You should have stopped it, you know, before this. Just answer the fucking question, Ethan. Quit trying to riff. Yeah. Master improviser, Ethan.

Go ahead, Ethan. I mean, I've moved to a new city, and, you know, for me, that's a big thing. Where would you move to? I moved from Cleveland to Charleston, South Carolina. What made you move from Cleveland to Charleston? I don't know. I wanted something new, you know? I grew up in Cleveland, so, like, you know, I feel like something new that...

I want something new too. Yeah. There they go. Ethan and Logan, everybody. The brothers. Okey-dokey. This is a dry spell. We are in a true dry spell right now. Yeah. Ever since Cam Patterson was up here, we have-- it has been drier than Tanvir's mouth when he was with his wife. But it ain't dry no more. That guy gave up his family to suck strangers' dicks. Yeah.

And that's... Oh, here they are. Oh, they're back. They got gel blasters. There you go. It sucks they have to sit in front of us now. Now you guys just have to sit right there the whole time. It's the walk of shame. Think about what you guys did. Too bad it doesn't come with real bullets, huh, guys? It's true. Can they turn their chairs around? In this case, I wish they did.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see if we could break the dry spell with the comedy stylings of Jacob Jones, everybody. Jacob Jones. We're coming around the corner. Hey, happy to be here, everybody.

Guys, I've been watching a lot of documentaries recently. I just recently watched Planet Earth, a great documentary. I learned in Planet Earth that dolphins have sex for pleasure. Did you guys know this? Dolphins have sex for fun. When I heard that, I was like, oh, fuck. There has to be a couple of dolphins out there that had sex with other dolphins that they're just not too proud of, you know?

Like, there's just a dolphin out in the Pacific right now, and he's just like, "Ugh. I can't believe I fucked last night. Ugh. I can't believe I choked her with that McFlurry cup that was floating by," you know? Just, like, right on her fucking bottle nose. Put some fucking trash in her blowhole, you know? That's what they're into, dude. They're a bunch of freaks, you know? That's literally why I pollute. I'm just...

Thank you. Jacob Jones, look at you. All right. Finally, a breath of fresh air. Thank you, thank you. Hello. Thank you for wearing your best pajamas out tonight. Thank you. I heard Sam Tallon was on the show, so I just needed to wear shorts. I wear shorts. He wasn't being nasty.

He hasn't earned the right after 20 years in stand-up to wear shorts, but you know, it looks good. How long have you been doing stand-up, Jacob? -Uh, for about five years. -Five years. Where at? Uh, Denver, actually. Whoa! You know this guy? I've never heard or seen this man before. No. We've been on one show together, but... -Really? -Yeah, yeah. Who did I owe a favor to?

It was during COVID. It was one of those, like, hell outside gigs. It was, like, in a parking lot. You probably don't remember. No. I was huffing a lot of gas during COVID.

Yeah, I think we paid you like a hundred bucks. It was bad. Who? You. I think you. Who's we? It was my friends. We like produced. Name names. Josh Emerson. Where was the parking lot? Maybe if you narrow it down to describe the parking lot, Sam would remember because he hasn't performed in many parking lots. Right. I don't even remember what park. I used to sell grilled cheese sandwiches in parking lots, but I was following the dead around. Yeah, yeah.

You did well. Of course I did. Yeah. I mean, what are we talking about here? I love it. He's trying to reverse the polars. You did good, Sam. I really like your setups and your punchline. Very definitive material, really, on your brand with you. It was very good. He's about to offer you a spot on the secret parking lot show. We do have an extra spot if you need one. No, no. Jacob, what do you do for a living? Oh.

Is it a climbing wall? Huh? Are you a climbing wall guy? No, no, no, no. I actually live in a van, and I travel the United States. And I also sell hats and pins at music festivals.

for money. - See, really, he is following in your footsteps. This is incredible. - Wearing shorts, doing bad shows in Denver. - Yep, yep. - Making business moves in parking lots. - Yep. - Sleeping in vehicles. - Sleeping in vehicles and selling pins to people on drugs. - Yes. - What type of music festivals are you going to? - Like electronic music festivals. - You do a lot of drugs? - No, I just swindle people on drugs.

Interesting. You make a good living doing that? Yeah, it's pretty lucrative, actually. It allows me to stay on the road, and I can just do a couple music festivals every summer, and I don't have to work a regular job. Where's your van parked? It's on, like, 15th and La Va Va. And it's full of... La Va Va? I don't know what the fucking...

what the street is called. There's something along those lines. There's a bunch of cash in there right now, I bet. Yeah, there's a couple hundred. 15th and a lot of money, everyone. Fuck, I did just say that. Yeah, yeah, you did. The student has not become the teacher. Not yet, not yet.

What else do you do, Jacob? Any special skills or talents other than comedy? Yeah, well, as I'm traveling the United States, I'm actually doing a little docuseries where I interview people all across the country, and I ask them what they think the future of the United States looks like. Wow, you're going to get dozens of views. That's what's happening right now. Yeah. That is amazing. What's the best answer you've gotten?

A lot of people are very pessimistic. A lot of people think that there's going to be another civil war. Wow. And that's not... The whole point of the video project is to find common ground, actually. As lame as that sounds. Yes. So you're aware that it sounds incredibly stupid. It's very unfunny and lame, but it's what I want to do. Sorry. Are you able to... Hold on. Yeah? You are going through it right now, brother. Okay.

Oh, yeah. This is insane. That could have been you. Yes. You could have been our new friend, this guy. That's true. Instead, you're selling software in Seattle. Yeah, yes. So...

You do have a good voice, though. Oh, thank you. You sound like almost like a reporter or something like that. That could be a secondary career choice, honestly. Rather than selling pins at music festivals? Yeah, or comedy. My options are open right now. No, no, no, it's selling pits. What's your love life like? You able to get a lot of girls back to your van? Uh,

Yeah, which one of my friends have you fucked? Takes a lot of convincing, but it's happened before. How do you do it? What kind of convincing? It's okay. Get in the van or I'll shoot. Yeah. The verb convincing is not probably the appropriate term, but, you know, asking. Drugging and tying up. Drugging. Forcing. The hard sell, as we call it. Right, right. Because you're so hard. Because of the power. Right. Right.

Yeah. Because you're becoming God, you know? That does happen. Yeah, yeah. No, it's happened once. I brought a girl back. We met on Hinge, and it worked out. It happened. We fucked. She just needed a place to stay. She was looking for a miracle, as we say in the business. Right. All right. The drug addicts responded positively to that. Hell yeah, that's...

How long have you lived in the van? On and off, two years. Okay. So you haven't stood straight up in a home in a long time. Yeah, no, that's true. My back is already, it's still fucked. Have you stood gay up? That's a good one. I think you said that in the parking lot for the show. I bet you do remember everything I said. Jacob, the set was good enough to get a big joke book after the momentum...

-Shift. There he goes, Jacob Jones, everybody. -Thank you. -All right, one last bucket pool, and then we're gonna put a ribbon on this thing. Make some noise for your final bucket pool of the night, Michael Scott, ladies and gentlemen. This is 60 Seconds from Michael Scott. Oh, it's a different Michael Scott. Here he is. One more time for Michael Scott, ladies and gentlemen. -Not what you expected. My name is Michael Scott. I'm actually Michael Scott II.

Most of my friends are white because my name is Michael Scott. White bitches love the office. That's pretty much it. Hey guys, when I'm at my white friend's house and I gotta take a piss, more often than not, I'll just go pee outside. It's not because I'm uncomfortable using the restroom inside their house. It's more like I want the other brothers in the neighborhood to know that he already has a black friend. What?

This is my Kyle, and I have to mark my territory. My name is Michael Scott. The only N-word during my set is ne'er-do-well. All right, let's end on that. Okay. You're funny, Michael. All right, Michael. That was good, man. Fuck yeah. You took your time, dude, too. Thank you. Initially, I thought you were nervous, but no, you were building it. No, no. I have unnatural confidence. I am insane.

- I love it. I love it. How long you been doing standup? - Seven years. - Where at? - Fresno and Bakersfield. I started in Bakersfield though. - Where do you live now? - Here. - Beautiful. - Since December 30th, I moved here. - Great, congratulations. - Thank you. - I think you belong here. - I think so too. - You're one of the, you're one of the, you're one of the, when people like you move into the neighborhood, I get excited. - Property value goes up. I love it. - One of the good ones.

Set you up. I love it, Mike. Scott, what do you do for a living? I have two jobs. I fix televisions for white people, and I am a valet also for white people. And you also talk like a white person. Yes! Yes.

-Near do well. -Yeah. -I do. Great job. -You exclusively said white people on both of those jobs. If a black person needed their television fixed, what would you say to them? -Well, I work at -- -I'll be a black person. Ready? -Oh, will you? -All right. My grandma's not gonna like this. All right. Go ahead. -Hello. I need to rectify a situation with my television set. And I, like you, am black. -Hello, madam.

I actually use they/them pronouns. Oh! Bah! That's right. We use that too. Cancel! In our community. That's fair. As black men. I thought you... That's fair. Can you fix my television set? I need to watch The Cosby Show.

Also, yes. Yes, indeed. When you applied for this warranty, did you happen to check the racial box on that? Because your service may be a little bit slower. You got a big laugh from Roseanne up there. I don't know if you heard that. Oh, is she here? Oh, yeah. Classic laugh. Either that or a hawk is dying on the balcony. I'm not exactly sure.

- It could be either one. - A haunted scarecrow may have come to life in the back, yes. - All right. - Fuck yeah. - There it is. I love it. Michael, other than your voice, what do you think's the whitest thing about you? - Certainly my dick. - Great answer. Great answer.

So your dick can get a bank loan? I was waiting. Yes. I have a great credit score. I was waiting for one of you guys to say something wrong and I was going to strangle you with my dick. Okay. All right. I'm kidding. Okay, what do you think is the blackest thing about you, Michael? My dick. Still my dick. Other than your dick. Let's take your dick out of this. Shit. I don't know. I was...

Uh, yeah. Hey, that was good. He said it's not my shoes. I'm wearing Vans. As a black man, we are not a monolith. Yeah. Okay. Correct? Yes. Yes. Yes, and maybe and. I'm glad he's blind. What's your preferred type?

Type? Uh, shit. Any female. You're the right boy. Yeah, I know. I'm looking around. No type whatsoever, just any female. Uh, redheads, probably. Redheads in wheelchairs, perhaps? Oh, I did see her. She is looking for someone to fuck her fixed. So...

- "I Will Break Her" worse is... - Yeah, well, you guys could do drive-bys together. - Interesting. What's the longest set you've ever done? - 30. - I'd love to have you on The Secret Show 30. - There you go. Here's a big joke book coming at you too. You did it. Michael Scott with a great "Kill Tony" debut.

Fucking hilarious. Michael Scott on The Secret Show, booked on a real show in Austin, Texas. And that is the end of our bucket pools. There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. It's the only way we know how in the whole world. Another comedian that got famous in Denver before coming to Los Angeles and becoming the Hall of Fame member with the most sets, the most interviews, absolute record holder for everything, the most laughs ever.

ever by a comedian at a microphone here. I present to you the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody. 12 years a slave. Let's be honest, that's kind of a light sentence. I don't give a fuck!

Iran's president just died in a helicopter crash. The helicopter's mechanic, Ari Greenbaum, said the helicopter must have just run out of gas. Lizzo recently thanked anti-Israel activists for lifting her up out of her depression, and I'm just trying to imagine how much did that fucking crane cost? Good news for Red Band's mom, scientists have developed a new gene therapy that kills 97% of the herpes virus.

So it is open season on your nasty mom, dumbass. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony. - I mean, what the hell? What the hell?

What can I possibly say? The man who has done it more than anybody else just came out and did the five best jokes of the night back to back to back to back to back to back. That's how you do it, Tony. For anybody watching, that's how it happens. That is how you... Somebody call Montel Jordan because that is how you do it. Ha ha ha ha.

It's Monday night and you feel alright? That is how you do it. Damn right. The party's here on the west side. Party's here on the west side. That's right.

That is how you do it. William, thank God you were so funny as always because we needed it tonight, man. Been a bit of a bloodbath. Yeah, I've been watching. Have you? Yeah, I've been watching up there. I've also been cooking with Dr. Pepper, Tony. I think that's honestly what has gotten me out of my little funk I was in. Yeah, I've realized that if I'm cooking my chicken breast in the crock pot, instead of putting broth or something, I'm just putting Dr. Pepper in there.

And it's making the most delicious chicken. It's making the most delicious pastas. I just put a bunch of rigatoni and some other stuff and a bunch of Dr. Pepper and it's making the tastiest stuff. Wow. But I'm TTing all the time, Tony, so I don't know if I'm getting diabetes or something because it's literally, oh, it's so good. It sounds like... Oh, Red Band. No, that I think was funny. What was that?

It's kind of hard. You kind of stopped it there. He literally pulled up the wrong version of "This Is How You Do It." It is incredible. You would think 11 years of experience, he would be able to pull up the hit song "This Is How You Do It" by Montel Jordan, but nope.

Not this guy. It was funny, though, when Red Band... When Red Band did the sweet girl, hilarious girl in the wheelchair was going back when Red Band had the thing going off. That was hilarious, Red Band. That was good. I'll give you that. You guys remember that? Thank you, William. 55 minutes ago, you guys remember when Red Band was funny? Yeah.

Yeah, it was really funny, Red Band. I got to give you that one. That was really good. I've also cooked with Dr. Pepper. You're not wrong. That shit's amazing. And you could also try root beer, too. Yeah, root beer? Well, I don't really like root beer.

- Oh, how does-- - So maybe that's a bad idea, but thanks for telling me about it. But seriously, that's probably a bad idea because I just kind of hate it. I love Dr. Pepper, but I kind of can't stand root beer. But thanks, Red Van. You're real sweet. I appreciate when you give me these insights for food stuff, you fat ass, you nasty piece of shit. You think I really want to fucking put root beer in my fucking chicken piccata, you fucking idiot?

How's the cancer? There you go. The momentum killer, Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Anytime there's too much laughter, he comes in and snuffs it out. Well, I did try to go to the dermatologist. Well, I called up and I didn't have my debit card. I had my debit card to put a deposit down or something. Is your dermatologist named Dr. Pepper? Yeah. How does root beer make you feel?

Oh, root beer? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. It's like when I'm walking down my stairs, the escalator's almost up at the apartment, and I'm having to walk down the stairs again, and it's been just so hot, Tony, and I've been slipping on the...

Okay. Yeah, it's really horrible. There you go. Now, William, we know from many appearances on the show for both of you that you and Sam are extremely close. You guys did stand up in Denver, which is a theme tonight. Yes. The great Roseanne Barr, one of the greatest to ever start in Denver. Sam Tallent, William Montgomery. Yeah.

That other guy, Jake, I think? Yeah, Jake. Who bragged about paying me $100 during a pandemic? Oh, yeah. Jacob Jones. Yeah.

Now, you were telling me that your brother started working at the club. Yes, Selden. He's working here now. He's a door guy. And I actually just heard from somebody earlier, he's been doing stuff outside and he's not wearing sunscreen or a hat. He's got to start doing that because he doesn't want to start dealing with this cancer. But to answer your question, Rebban, yeah, I didn't go. I know I've got it on my nose, but I haven't gone yet. I didn't have my fucking debit card I need to call back. That was two weeks ago. It's probably only getting bigger. It's probably only getting stronger. I need to really nip it in the bud. I mean, I feel it right now, so...

Your brother, Selden, a little fun fact about him is that he still drinks.

And I remember you when you were drinking. Me too, brother. It was wild. It was a bit of a problem. Indeed. I mean, there is nobody that beat the video game of partying quite like William Montgomery. I remember during the pandemic, you were climbing a tree during one of your appearances. Trashed. We've been through a great many.

I remember that.

You all have the same sense. Sweet papa. Yeah. You guys all have the same sense. Oh, my gosh. I swear, Tony. I don't know. I've been kind of exhausted. I've been traveling. Thank God it's been going good. It's been so sweet for anybody who's gotten tickets to come see me. But I actually talked to my dad on the couch yesterday and just started sobbing.

- After what? - After we got off the phone. Just started sobbing real hard. I haven't had to get sobbed in a long time. - It's when humans bleed from their eyes, Tony. - Oh. - Yeah, you don't-- - Started sobbing for some reason. - You wouldn't really. Yeah. - I don't know why. - When did the sobbing happen exactly? - Just yesterday. I was just talking to my sweet mama and pop on the phone, and it had been a good, successful weekend. - Yeah, you think it's because you're living your dreams? - I don't know.

But yeah, I couldn't stop crying for a while, but we're better now. Now, have you ever told that great story of that photograph of Selden back when he was at UT?

Oh, yes, my brother Selden. At one point, there was a photograph that I see on Facebook, I think it was, where he's in a Moe's Burritos, and he has a full hospital garb on, and I remember posting under the picture, oh, well, at least the youngest Montgomery brother's doing well, and I guess he ended up dying. He had gone to the hospital because he died, but they brought him back to life, so... But, yeah, that's the picture. You had to kind of be there. You had to kind of see the picture. I thought it would be a great anecdote. I'm sorry. Yeah.

We cracked up about it. Yeah, no, it was real funny, I thought, but people in the crowd didn't like it. No, no. William and I used to get trashed on, like, whatever jug bottle whiskey you had, and then we would be in my apartment, and we would just scream the last page of Blood Meridian at each other. I remember. That's wonderful. I still read the last paragraph from time to time. It's wonderful. I think of you every time, yeah. I think of you every time. Oh.

Wow. I really do. Well, you know that these people online think that we aren't friends and that I'm, like, mean to you up here? Yeah, I think we can pretty much squash the beef right now. Now, I do owe Theo Vaughn $50,000. No, I'm kidding. Fuck all those idiots saying pay Theo. No, yeah, oh, my gosh. Sam and I are very wonderful buddies, Sam, and you're going to stay over tonight? I am. Oh, you're staying at Williams? Yeah, but we're not doing much sleeping. Whoa.

Sam was my first kiss in Denver. Sam was honestly my first kiss in one of those drunken nights. Those lips have been wet since 2016, dude. You've got a couple of pink worms, baby. Oh, yeah. Look at those gummies. I love it. William, you had fun in Los Angeles, correct? Yeah, it was a wonderful time. Stayed at Pauly Shore's haunted fucking house. Tell us what's haunted about that.

Well, I didn't know if it was Pauly or Pauly's brother, but I kept on fucking seeing somebody at night when I was trying to sleep. Somebody was literally walking around in the place with a camera. And so it might have been Pauly's brother or a ghost. And Pauly's brother is actually here tonight. So it's a little awkward, but I know it was your fucking ass taking pictures. No, but it was wonderful, Tony. It was a lot of fun. The shows were great. It was a lot of fun.

Very convenient to the Comedy Store. And actually, Tony, I was able to go in the handicapped bathroom stall at the Comedy Store, and I stood in there for like five minutes because it's where I used to do all my cocaine before the Kill Tony shows. So it felt weird, but it was nice to go back and just take it in. That's probably my best memory of being there. That is all true. Everything he just said is absolutely real. Sometimes it's not real. That is real. Yeah.

William, my sweet, sweet Billy boy, tell us more. Put that tongue away. Where else have you been on the road? Did you go somewhere this week? Well, I have to be so careful, Tony. All these shows I'm doing, I'm legitimately losing my voice. It's a real big concern for me, so I've got to figure this out. I'm going Thursday, Friday, Saturday to Wisconsin this coming week. I'm legitimately worried about my voice, so we'll see. I have

Oh, it goes, I'm yelling too much, Tony. I've got to figure it out. The yelling, people laugh. I enjoy it. It's fun. It's going well, but I'm going to have to figure it out. I mean, I'm yelling too much. What if you whispered? What if I whispered? You can make a joke if you whisper. Give me an example, Red Band. I'm never going to stop. But you have to set it up at the beginning, you know? I'm never going to stop. Wow, Red Band. Okay, nice to see you, Tony. That was fun. Oh, my God, no.

Yeah, but we'll see. So yeah, I got to figure it out. Have you been drinking hot tea or doing vocal exercises? Yeah, I actually started taking vocal lessons two weeks ago. Yeah, can you show us one of the exercises? Me, me, me, me, me. Mo, mo, mo, mo, mo. Knee, knee, knee, knee, knee. No, no, no, no, no.

And then I'll put the Dr. Pepper in the crock pot in between doing that because I literally have to do it like all day long. Ladies and gentlemen, brought to you by Dr. Pepper, the great and powerful William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you to Talkspace Mood Chubbies. Of course, our friends over at...

Oh, the drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It's unbelievable of Sam Talent. That's on your screen right now. Sam, what are you plugging tonight? I forgot to ask you. Tell us everything. I have a podcast called Chubby Behemoth, and I have a travel show on YouTube called Wide World.

If you could watch it, we just went to Japan and we went to Paris and I'm very proud of it. - I love it. - Samtalent.com for tickets. - Thank you to our friends at Connect Mobile Health. The IV drips have been saving our lives lately as we have been enjoying our hometown of Austin, Texas. A lot of hot days on the boat.

Shout out to our friends over at Ways to Well, keeping us super healthy. If, you know, they brought Aaron Rodgers back in full recovery, they make you superhuman. They do a blood test. Check out Ways to Well.

Thank you to Jel Blaster, of course, the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, and all of our other friends that make it all possible. One more time for the best damn band in the land, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muehling, Seth One, and B Madness. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, little Dr. Phil. Okay. Hell yeah. We love Dr. Phil.

Guest of the Year 2023. And we did it again. How about one more time for the great Sam Talent, ladies and gentlemen? Red Band. I'll be in July. I'll be in San Diego with KC Rock. Is that still not sold out? No, they just released new tickets. Oh, my God. Wow.

Help Redman fill up the comedy club he's been promoting for months in San Diego, people. The entire city of San Diego. It's a comedy club, people. Buy tickets for Redman's show. Thanks for all the support, Tony Hinchcliffe. Okay, okay. How about one more time for Roseanne Barr, ladies and gentlemen?

The first appearance of Fiona Cawley. Amazing. Thank you. Hans, Cam, William, Madison Square Garden. We just opened up tickets for us. So that's the other show. If you want to see Red Band, if you want to see Red Band, you can see them at the Comedy Club in San Diego or Madison Square Garden. New tickets just opened up for night one. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

so

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.