#667 - ADAM DEVINE + HARLAND WILLIAMS - LIVE FROM THE YOUTUBE THEATER
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. And now, please rise for the singing of your national anthem by Kill Tony legend, Aphrodite. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light

What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight.

The ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming. And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting up in the air.

Yeah!

Oh say does that star-spangled banner yet wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave

I love you!

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the YouTube Theater here in Los Angeles, California for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony H. Clay! ♪

Los Angeles, who's ready to have the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Yeah! Yippee! Fuck yeah! Feels good in here. Make some noise for Brian Red Band, everybody. Oh, hell yeah. Unbelievable. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

You finally get to see him live, a little taste of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, the legend, Jetski Jesse Johnson. And I don't know if you were there Friday or not, but we got two motherfucking drummers now. That is the return of Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez.

And the motherfucking backbone himself, Michael Gonzalez! The one and only Daniel Mandelman on the keys. Matt Muehling on the electric. And that is indeed the one and only Dee Madness on the bass guitar.

Both of our legendary artists are here drawing tonight's episode since episode very early on. The tens of episodes, Ryan J. Ebelt is here and Austin's own Chris Rogers is here. They both have blank slates and their drawings begin now. A lot of fun stuff lined up for this one, folks. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

I'm gonna be bringing out your guests throughout the night and slowly but surely we're gonna start with one guest right now and I absolutely could not be more excited. This is a guy that I have had the pleasure of doing comedy with for over 17 years. He is one of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians, one of my favorite comedic actors. This is his first time ever being a guest on Kill Tony.

You know him from the Righteous Gemstones, from Workaholics. Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Adam DeVine! Oh yeah, baby! Let's fucking go, LA! Yeah! Let's fucking go!

Adam Devine. Hey, everybody. All right. We're in it. Welcome to Kill Tony. We have another guest joining in just a few minutes. He's running. Traffic's fucking still crazy here in L.A. Adam, how are you, my friend? Really good. Thanks. Thanks for having me, man. This is going to be fun. We're going to have a blast. Yeah. We're going to meet some people.

I think they're excited. This place is wild. How's the fucking balcony doing tonight, huh? Yeah. Woo. That's a passion. How about just the lower bowl? All right. All right, you rich fucks. God damn. We got some fucking energy in the damn house tonight. I am so pumped for it.

We are going to have a blast. Now, I'm going to pre-pull a name. Adam, you might not know how it works, but over 200 human beings signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Unbelievably scary. How frightening is that?

So I pre-poll a name, but to start tonight, how many of you were at the show on Friday? That's a pretty good amount, which means a lot of you might not be in the know with what happened with the rematch of Rick Diaz and Hans Kim. And while we were starting the show with KC Rocket for quite a long time, I figured we would start the show with the winner of that match.

A story, an undeniable full Supreme Court victory all across the boards, winning by five judges and ten decibel points. But instead of me introducing him, I figured I would bring out someone special to introduce him, someone that we were the first comedians and comedy show to ever show you this man.

He is one of my favorite human beings on planet Earth. Nothing gets me more pumped in this world than watching him work. So to bring up our first comedian, I'm happy to present to you from episode 100 of Kill Tony, from episode 500 of Kill Tony, this is the return of the voice of the UFC, Bruce Buffer! Yeah. Oh, this is the moment you all

been waiting for! Live from the YouTube Theater at SoFi Stadium in Los Angeles, California! It's live! This is Kill Tony!

Your first comedian is a legend of the game. He went from an open mic to sleeping in his van to being an international superstar right in front of your eyes. He is the reigning, defending, undisputed regular of the show, Newt!

member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Sing it! If you know the words, this is how. Thank you, LA! Holy shit. I want to touch a shirtless dude right now.

Good to be here. I've been listening to a lot of Afro-Latino beats. Mostly Rihanna. You know, a lot of people don't know that she made a lot of Afro-Latino beats, but she did, because she's Afro-Latino and she got beat. Thank you. I don't understand women. Women are always trying to look beautiful and hot and sexy, but then they get mad at me when I want to fuck them. It's like going up to a guy at a basketball court who's wearing basketball shorts, and I'm like, "Hey, do you want to play basketball?" And he's like, "No."

I'm here to dance with my friends. I think owning a dog makes you a pervert, 'cause whenever it's peeing, you have to stand right there staring at him. Holding a leash tied around its neck. That's gonna turn anyone on after a while. That's my time, thank you! Wow, look who's back, everybody.

Spitting fire, Hans. Good to be back. Hello, Adam. The sweetest little honest autistic boy you've ever seen in your life. I never get sick of it. You know if you ask him any question, he'll answer it honestly. Really? Yeah. When's the last time you masturbated, Hans? Just this morning, Tony. Me too. You gotta clean the pipes, right, Hans? Yes. You got to. Well, I'm a little taken aback.

Because I was doing my research, you know, I watched the show, but I was like, "You asked me to do the show." So I was like, "I gotta beef up on my Kill Tony knowledge." And the internet was like, "Fuck Hans Kim." Internet was like, "This guy fucking sucks. Don't let him back on the show. Fucking kill Hans Kim." And I'm like, "That's aggressive." And then you come out here, and I thought you did really fucking good, buddy. - Thank you, Adam. - Yeah, I thought you had a good set, man.

He always kills in-house. It's amazing. Undefeated, in the room, despised on the internet. We're not quite sure what it is. I wouldn't say despised. You would think the incels would protect their own kind, but... I'm the only Asian that doesn't translate digitally.

There you go, Hans. Keep killing, buddy. Thank you, Adam. It is incredible. So how's the last 48 hours been for you? You had the night of your life Friday night. You dominated against Rick Diaz in a two-minute battle with months of anticipation. And immediately afterwards, we were going to induct you into the Hall of Fame, whether you won or lost. So you got the double whammy, huge win and Hall of Fame. How'd you celebrate?

I, uh, you know, called my girlfriend. She kind of yelled at me a little bit, so... What did she yell at you for? Just because I was having a great night. Oh, yeah. What a... Deserved. Yeah. Isn't it ex-girlfriend, by the way? Well, yeah, technically. It's a messy thing.

Oh, boy. So she yelled at you, and I saw you at one point at the Comedy Store, huge smile on your face, and you had a Hall of Fame trophy that you got on Friday, and you had a phone charger around your neck and a bag of McDonald's. Yeah, you know, you can take the man out of the van, but you can't take the man out of the van. That is unbelievable. Did you just write that right then? Yeah. Yeah.

He is blossoming before our eyes. My God.

Our sweet, sweet Hans Kim, all grown up, amazing. So what else is going on, Hans? I'm having a great time staying in a beautiful mansion. Yes. Wow. Indeed, you are staying in Pauly Shore's absolute monstrosity of a mansion. We're all very lucky to be, well, I'm really lucky to be a huge part of the comedy store, and I was nice enough to share it with my dear, dear friends. Thank you, Tony. I've been using his moisturizer.

I feel like Pauly right now. And, you know, it's huge. You know, I was like going to the kitchen. I was like, I should bring my wallet just in case. It's how big that place is. Right. Your phone would have made more sense. But, yeah, your wallet. Sure. In the kitchen. Yeah.

You jerked off in the kitchen? No. Is that what you said? You jerked off in the kitchen? I'm calling Pauly right now. This is crazy. I was dropping some righteous gemstones in the kitchen. Reference. Hot ref. Is that what you call your cum? Does it come out solid? Yeah. That sounds like a problem, dude. You got to go see a doctor. Luckily, I have a vagina, so...

Wow. Well put. Unbelievable. Hans, what else is going on in the world before I let you go? I am, you know, I'm just partying. I'm having a good time. I, you know, flying my drone. I'm... There you go. All this checks out. Yeah. Uh...

Now, in the couple episodes I watched, it was a lot of talk about you doing like a bunch of cocaine. Are you still into the coke? You're in Hollywood now. This is kind of Coke Capital USA. Yeah, how could I refuse when in Rome, right? So have you been getting a little tootsie up your newtsie this weekend? I haven't done it on my butthole, but yes, I've been...

Snorting a bit of cocaine. Here in LA this weekend? Sure. What do you mean sure? I wish I did. You don't got to be cool with us. I also haven't done cocaine this weekend. For being real with each other, yeah. We don't have to do cocaine. It's fine, guys. When you do cocaine, Hans, do your eyes open up more? Everything looks like a line to Hans. No, but my penis does.

It does? Yeah, that's a... Wait, the hole? The hole, yeah. It relaxes. Oh, sure. What'd you say, Jet Ski? I said everything looks like a line to Hans. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Oh, yeah, when Jet Ski gets a good line, everybody pretends like they're at Jet Ski. I'm going to coach Adam through this as we go along so that he doesn't think we have the most retarded audience on Planet Earth. But we kind of do. Yeah.

But I love it. In the best way. I like it that way. I like it that way. Hans, anything else? I love you guys. Thank you for fixing my career. Fixing it?

Yeah, we made your career, Hans, and then you fucked it up, and you are correct. We fixed your fuck up. Thank you. That's all I really wanted. All right. You got it, my friend. Why don't you put the mic back in the mic stand? You got the show started again. Everything is exactly as it should be right now. The fun train has begun. ♪

And you know what? Since it's Mother's Day, I figured before we get to our first bucket pool, why not pull up who I believe really truly could be Hans Kim's mother. A legend of Kill Tony, this is a brand new minute from one of our favorites, Nicole Tran, everyone. - Work it, girl. - I like to visit Chinatown. Chinese people are very organized.

They always have all their ducks in a row. Everywhere I go in LA, I see sweet James Billboards. But in Chinatown, it's sweet and sour James, man. I got caught at a sobriety checkpoint. The cop says, "Have you been drinking?" I say, "No." He says, "Are you smoking?" I say, "I'm wearing a brand new mini skirt. Why don't I get out and you tell me?"

Nicole Tran, you did it again. Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. You are something else. Thank you, Tony Hinchcliffe. You really helped me build House of Names. Now, everywhere I go, everywhere, people recognize me. You are cute, Tony girl. Thank you, Red Band, for on the term. And you really support a lot of comedians up there.

a diverse culture. I really appreciate it. What did you just thank Red Band for exactly? I'm very fucking curious. I'm literally having, my in-ear isn't working that great. I do need another one. I think it was heartfelt. I think it was a nice thing. I couldn't, I also couldn't understand it. Yeah.

And I don't have a thing in my ear, but... Yeah, I got... I'm having trouble here. What exactly did you just thank Red Band for? I have to know. It was sweet. It was sweet. It's a whole crew. Teamwork, bro. Yeah. Teamwork. Fair enough. Yeah, I like that. It's a teamwork, bro. Collaboration effort, bro.

I'm a titty pack girl? Is that what she told us? I don't think it was... I think it was teamwork, yeah. I don't think it was titty pack was what Red Band thought it was. We'll be right titty pack after these messages. Blue eyewine guys. Goo goo ga ga ga.

Nicole, how's this trip to LA going? Do you live here now? I move here now. When did you move here? I moved here a year ago. What part of town do you live in? I live in Korea town. Oh, shit. That's the only neighborhood where you see an Uber driver on a scooter. I love it, Nicole. I love you, Nicole. Tony. Amazing. Amazing. What else is going on, Nicole? Love life.

Whoa, what's your love life like? Sex appeal. Your haircut is that of a woman that always has just had sex. What's up, bro? That haircut be fucking for sure. No, it

You know this is a Paul McCartney haircut. He has green eyes though. No chance. Oh wow, Nicole playing hard to get over there. Oh my goodness. I'm very picky bro. You're picky? What are you into? I'm famous in a good-looking white guy's kingdom man. Hey Tony. Hello.

Yeah, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Nicole, when you're with guys, do you like them more sweet or sour? I like romantic ones. I also like Latino men. They're handsome, man. Wow. And the Latino... That's a way to... Muchisimas gracias para venir aquí a apoyar la comedia de Tony Hinscliffe.

What the fuck? Pandering. Yeah, that's... Just speak Spanish. Say thank you. Thank you for them to come and support yourself. Hold on, hold on. Michael, what did she just say? She said thank you for all the Mexicans who come and hear. Oh, I can't hear you. That's not... Muchas gracias, Nicole. Muchas gracias. We need to draw him a Spanish book, bro. You're a promotion, but you improve the English language skills. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I learned how to roast, Tony. You learned how to roast? Yeah, I learned how to roast, bro. Roast what? Pork chops? Duck? Chicken barbecue. Oh, yeah. I love it. So what are you roasting? Just roast you. Okay. You're going to roast me. It looks like he got that jacket from a Nordstrom rack you got. 1995 cents. Roast me, bro. Say clean jokes. You're so fucking lucky I can't hear you right now.

Can I roast you, Robin? Robin? Yeah, Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin. Robin

It's a sharp interest rate. Pretty good, bro. That's why I moved to Hollywood. Tony, I wish you still in the comedy store so you could put me on main stage.

One time. You back. Appreciate you. What about the Comedy Store? I wish you still there. Yeah, I bet. Yes, I should get on Men's Stage. Right. You the only person who appreciate my talents the most, you know? That's true. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Blue-eyed. Yeah, I like that. That's the only reason I only date blue-eyed white guys, man. They see in me true talents. I the one who ask them for a date. None of them, they ask me. Yeah.

I set up my stand up pretty straight. Can we get subtitles on this big screen please? I have a song. I have a song, okay? You have a song? Yeah, let's do it. Okay.

You know what? Before you do that song, just hold one second. I want to bring up a second guest to join the panel. All right. I want him to be here for this. Ladies and gentlemen, another one of my favorite comedians, another one of my favorite comedic actors of all time, and the current frontrunner for Guest of the Year 2024. This is the return of Harlan Williams. Oh, my God. Oh.

He's back Wow what a treat holy crap look at this hot she could decide if you want to be a smurf or Barney for fuck's sake Look at your hairstyle. Did you just wake up? Oh my god. Oh, I just walk up. How about that? Hello?

No, Harlan, you can't do that, buddy. No, Harlan. No, you just got here. Oh, god damn it, Harlan. You fuck off. I'm a singer, not a wrestler, bro. Do not show up my shirt. Did you say I'm not a wrestler? Can I sing?

You want to sing? Ladies and gentlemen, do you want a song? Nicole Tran, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely. I'd love to hear it. Here she goes. Put your head on my shoulder. I think she's talking to you. If you are a blue-eyed white guy, let's go get some steak and lobster. Are you writing this right now?

Wow. Beautiful. Wow. Unbelievable. Wow. Old bruised eyes. Are you talking to yourself?

♪ Baby ♪ - We love you, we love you. - We do, we love you. ♪ Blue eyed white guys in my heart ♪ - Oh my God, adorable. Absolutely lovely.

There she goes, everybody. She did it again. The one and only Nicole Tran, everyone. Nicole Tran, everybody. And please follow me on Instagram. Okay, Nicole. They got you. Yep, they're going to follow you. Nicole Tran Comedy. There you go. Thank you. There you go. Your dinner's ready. There you go. No, it's the kitten or the dog.

I really liked her, Tony. She was fun. She is fun. Yeah. One more time for Nicole Tran. Yeah, Nicole Tran. Beautiful day, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Game Time. Guys, you know me. I love going to concerts and live events, and that's why I love Game Time. Game Time makes getting tickets for concerts and events faster and easier, even if you don't buy tickets right away. Prices on the Game Time app actually go down to the...

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And now to the bucket we go. We've already wrangled this person. They're ready backstage. We're going to meet them all together. This is where shit gets crazy. Could be somebody's first time. Could be a local legend trying to make it big here tonight in front of the best comedy fans on planet Earth. Make some noise for 7E7, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. The bucket has begun. Destiny has chosen 7E7.

Out of over 200 people, 7E7. Oh, look who it is, everybody. The lovely Heidi. We have ring card girls. Ooh la la. - Mother's Day to me. - And a hand for Valerie Vaughn, everybody, huh? Here he is, everyone, making his Kill Tony debut, 7E7. - How's it going, guys?

Yeah, I recently found out on what you would call in the black community as whitewashed. But it got me thinking, you know, what makes me whitewashed? You know, what is it? And I realized it's because I pronounce my words correctly. So instead of axe, I say ask. Instead of saying finna, I say I'm going to. Instead of nigga, I say nigger. You know, I just don't get it, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I've been with my girl for nine years. Yeah. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, no kids, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah. 'Cause she's got that natural birth control, you know what I'm saying? Miscarriages. Yeah. Oh, on Mother's Day too. Fuck yeah. Happy Mother's Day. Not to me though.

Hey, that's my time, guys. Thank you so much. Seven. E. Seven. Welcome to the show, my friend. Thank you. How did that feel up there? Uh, felt pretty good. Yeah. Felt pretty good. Wasn't bad. How long you been doing stand-up? Uh, little over a year now. What do you do for a living? Just a warehouse working, man. What kind of warehouse? Uh, something like UPS, but worse, you know. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Mysterious. So you, like, basically carry shit around all day. Yeah, pretty much. And you miscarry stuff at night. Yeah. Nice. Hell yeah. So nice. Thank God for your faults in life. I gotta ask you a question, bro. I see the ring in the nose, right? Yeah. I've always wondered, I gotta ask, I used to be in the military, if I pull that out, will you blow up ten seconds later? LAUGHTER

I'm lucky down to find out.

Well, I was joking, really. Now I think you might have to. Fuck me in the UPS box. I think that might be the answer to your question. That's why you're whitewashed. It's the nose ring. Yeah, I've gotten that. Got a little double nose ring there, huh? What's going on with all these piercings? That evens it out, though. Thank you. What's going on? You have other things pierced, too? Used to have my nipples pierced. Wow. No way.

- Oh, wow. - Yeah. - You ever pierce your eyebrows and hang a shower curtain on your face? - Pierced nipples. Do you ever get the feeling that the reason why your girlfriend can't get pregnant is because she's a dude? - Makes sense. That would make sense. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Good news is, cream pie city, bro. - Hey. - How long have you been with this girl? - Nine years. - ♪ Yes, friend ♪

Red band. Very good. Yes, sir. Nine years. How many miscarriages do you think she's had? I'd have to say seven. Wow. I'd have to say seven. Oh, my God. That's a massive family of miscarriages. Happy almost Mother's Day to her. Yeah. All right. Like, I take it back. I take it back. I immediately didn't like I said that. Oh.

I mean imagine if God loved you, you'd have a huge family right now. Probably right about that. Now is it always like a surprise or at this point are you guys like any day now? Yeah, I'm just ready for the news at that point. Does she get excited when she gets pregnant? No, I do.

Yeah. Why do you? I want to eat fucking kids. Not right now. Oh, you don't want kids. Yeah, I get paid $17 an hour, man. I can't afford a kid. Right. Especially six or seven. Yeah. Have you done anything to cause these miscarriages? You ever push her down the stairs? So the name 77, that's a God-given name. Yeah.

I got my ID if you wanna see it. Yeah, it's Hollywood, man. You can say whatever the fuck you want to here. It was just in your pocket, loose like? Wow. I just carry it around with me. Dude, this is a blockbuster car. I mean, if your last name was Seven, what made them go first name Seven? That's how many miscarriages they had before he was born. It runs in the family.

It runs, it flushes down the toilet in the family. Um, I don't know, I guess they just like the number. I mean, my brother's name is Six. Are you serious? Where were you guys fucking born, on Sesame Street? Their father's the fucking count. Eight, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Nine, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ten, ah, ah, ah.

Fuck, you ever have kids, you won't have any trouble coming up with names. Come on in for dinner, C-3PO, you little bastard. Amazing. I love it. Seven, what do you do for fun? I think we should raffle this off, by the way, as driver's license. Let me see this thing. Take a look. I think you'll find something on there you really like. Seven, Seven. Seven, Seven. And your middle name is Evan.

Yes sir. Seven Evan Seven. His father's Dr. Seuss now. Holy shit. Do you live with a fox in a box by any chance? I mean you work at UPS, you probably fucking should. Fucking awesome dude. That's like the coolest name in the world. And that is, Red Band's obsessed with the number seven. Hold on, let me see that. You're not reading his name, you're reading his driver's license number.

It also says that you were 245 pounds? I was, I was. What'd you do to lose the weight? Uh, just stopped eating fried chicken mostly. Yeah. Wow, how does one per-- how does a person with your blood flowing through you stop eating fried chicken? Takes a lot out of me. That's why I'm lighter. You lost how much weight? Uh, about 40 pounds. That's the same weight as about seven babies. Yeah, exactly.

Amazing. Nice to have you here, Dahmer. Sex, male, cannibal, yes. Here, put that away. It smells like your ass crack. Now, did you give up fried chicken, cold turkey? I did. You really stuffed that joke in there. I let it marinate for a little bit, and then I put a little dressing on it.

Yeah, it uh, it wasn't easy, but I mean, you know, my girlfriend's Filipino so I just, I eat a lot of rice now. Right, okay. She's Filipino, huh? Yeah. What's her name? Filipino girls always have the most exotic- Six-five-four? Yup. Beep me to it. Did you just step on a thumbtack, dude? What the fuck was that?

You know what that sound means. What's her name, bro? Her name is Princess Jamaica. Princess Jamaica. What the fuck? Did you just say Leia and round this whole fucking thing out? Princess Leia, R2-D2, C-3PO, and that guy's fucking wig.

Her actual name on her ID is Princess Jamaica? Yeah, Princess Jamaica Cod. Does anybody believe you guys ever when you leave reservations anywhere ever? They believe her more. She goes by Jamaica, so yeah. Princess Jamaica, by the way, a new flavor at Baskin Robbins. Well, she ain't Jamaican any full-size babies, that's for sure. Stupid. Stupid.

How'd you meet somebody with a name that's as fucked up as your name? Yeah, that seems kind of... That's the real question here. She found me, you know. I was the... We were both in high school when we met. You know, she liked me first. Wow. Yeah. Went from there. What high school did you go to, Guy? Upland High School. Yeah, all right. A lot of Upland alumni here. Yeah, that's around here, I'm assuming? Yeah, there's 15 right over there.

Most Kill Tony fans only make it to high school, so it's exciting that there's that many people from Upland here. That means a lot here. Seven, E7, congratulations. Here's a big joke book. You made your Kill Tony debut. Thank you, guys. The show has begun. Congrats, Seven. Thank you guys so much. Congrats, Seven.

There he goes, 7E7. Let's keep this fun train moving along with a very, very special treat. Ladies and gentlemen. - A lot of talent here. - One of the legendary regulars of the show, here with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present to you the one and only, the rabble rouser himself, Casey Rockett. - All right.

Take me to the river. All right, very cool. Mike Will made it. All right. Love that. God, such a bad boy. Who cares? Jesus. Such a stinker. Yeah, eat piss, shirt, dick. We're having fun. All right. Such a stinker. Yeah, I'm basically a bad boy. People call me the Al Capone of the L.A. comedy scene. Because I have untreated syphilis. All right, very cool.

Starting to lose my touch on reality. All right, very cool. God, such a stinker. Jesus. Get dunked on. Dunked on Capone. What a world. Dunking on Capone, a Star Wars story. We're having fun. All right, nobody there. All right. God. Always dunking. A, B, D. Always be what? Dunking. Who's with me, boys, huh? That's why people call me the Dwight Howard of the L.A. comedy scene. So, because I am secretly gay. All right, very cool. Come on now.

One more. In honor of the big night, this is my impression of Ratatouille making me kill my entire family. Alright, there we go. That'll do it. Thank you. Wow. Casey Rockett has done it again. The boys are back.

Amazing stuff, Casey. Pretty cool. Wow, what a process. Ready for a special. I'd watch that. Fuck. Dude, I love this outfit. I've wondered my whole life what a clown looks like without its makeup. Actually, they put a lot of makeup on me. I have makeup head to toe, not just the face. Wow, I love it that they moved your pubes up to your chest. They thought of an experimental, but they pulled it off. Thank God. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh my god! The Dutchman's Key! Wow! The prophecy was true! Wow! What would you do if he sang out a key? Nothing, apparently. The Dutchman's Key making a very rare appearance. His entire performance, that was in his mouth. Yeah, I wouldn't, I would be careful with that.

That was... There's no hiding the Dutchman's key. There's no running from it either. It's all around us.

Odd to explain to your doctor how you got syphilis, whoever caught that key. What's that key for? I don't think we've ever figured out what's that key go to. I've tried it on thousands of locks. And I think when I'm ready, I'll find the right lock for it. I think the Dutchman's Key has to find you. Yeah, it's a sword in the stone situation. Yes. Have you ever stuck it in the front door of an asylum?

I'm home now. Yeah, 5150 my ass. So cool. It's a California thing. I think. Yeah, 5150 was, I do believe that was the name of the last comedian. So much fun. Incredible. Adam, what do you think about this guy? Have you seen Casey Rock? I actually have before. I'm a

A huge fan, Casey. I'm not going to lie. I was excited to see you shimmy on out here, and you did not disappoint. It was cool to see Harlan's act done better. Shots fired! Toe to toe, me and you!

Casey has an incredible fan base. Yeah. Drake loves Casey Rockett. He DMs me about him. Oh, you guys are against Drake now. How does... Kendrick Lamar is also a fan of Casey Rockett. How does Kendrick do it? The owner of Netflix is a huge fan of Casey Rockett. Yeah. The owner of YouTube is a huge fan of Casey Rockett.

Casey, what do you think about all these high clientele fans that you have? What? A lot of high clientele fans. Oh, okay. I got the Dutchman's key. I've said it many times. It's not good for basically anything physically. Mentally, it does wonders, but physically it's very detrimental. Uh,

Thank you for saying that. It's so cool to be here tonight. I am such a tremendous fan of both of you. You have been such a huge impact on my life. It's so cool to meet you guys, truly. It really is. You guys are incredible. Thank you. Look at that. Casey. Casey Rocket doing his impression of a human being there for a second.

Hey Casey, can I ask you for real dude, because I love the outfit, I love... When I was doing stand-up, when I was getting started, I'd wear crazy stuff. Where did you get it? I really, truly want to know where you got that outfit. Bigger and taller? I got it at Iguana Thrift Store and it was $200. It's very expensive.

Buddy? It was too much, right? I probably paid too much, right? Yeah. I really wanted to have it, and I think they knew that.

I think it was a Pawn Stars thing, so I think they kind of pushed it off on me way too much. Dude, not to bring you down, but I saw the same suit for 99 cents at Ross Dress for Less just last week. Are you thinking about getting it tailored? That could be one of the largest tailor jobs ever done in the history of man. That would cost $2,000. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm pretty... Or you could just give it to Red Band. Hey, shut up! Whoa, Joel Berg! Joel Berg!

Joel Berg. Yeah, what is, is that a Steve Harvey? Or like, it seems like a, do you know what brand that suit is? It's a Mr. Dunge. It's a Dungeman's. Yeah. Oh. Isn't that a coffee? Yeah. They do all kinds of stuff. Mr. Dunge, they're branching out. It's like Beats by Dre. They make cars now. Yeah. Wow. Absolutely incredible, Casey. It was good. It was good. Thanks.

Anything else before we let you go Casey another amazing performance. Thank you guys. It's been so fun doing kill Tony lately It's been so fun guys. So thank you for welcoming me and let me have a couple riffs I want to thank Tony and red band and all you guys. It's been super fun. Hell. Yeah, keep riffing Casey rocket ladies and gentlemen and back to the bucket. We will go yet again There he is the man himself Casey rocket crab it out of here

Here we are with our second bucket poll of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, the person getting an opportunity of a lifetime goes by the name of Tolu Agunblade. Tech Daddy Alpha as well. There's a lot going on there. Tolu Agunblade, parentheses, Tech Daddy Alpha. So, there's a lot. Here we go. Here's Tolu Agunblade. Yo! Yo!

I went to a Black Lives Matter protest to pick up white chicks. I was like, "So, you like niggas." Common misconception, you see a white woman with a black man and you think, "Oh, she's not racist," right? That's not necessarily true though, 'cause women fuck guys they hate all the time.

You can't blame them for hating us though, because men are selfish pieces of shit, you know? We want the big titties. We don't give a fuck about their back problems, you know? We're like, "Oh, I could put a cup on her booty. That's 'cause she's got scoliosis, motherfucker." That's why her ass sticks out like that. Speaking of which, everybody's eating ass these days. It's trending. Yeah, y'all know. Eat shit used to be fighting words back in the day.

You know? Until the culture shifted. Now everybody's bragging about eating ass as if they deserve the Nobel Peace Prize or some shit. And that's my time, guys. Thanks. Tolu Agunbalade. Am I saying that correctly? Agunbalade? Yeah. I am saying that correctly? Yes. Tolu Agunbalade. B-I-D? B-I-D. Yes. Okay. It's a Nigerian name. I can tell. Hell yeah. Yeah.

And I've been looking for that exact shirt. Where can I find that? I've been searching high and low. Dude, I have a bunch of them in my van. Hook me up, man. Yeah, I found out I'm part Irish, so I made these for St. Paddy's Day. Yeah.

And I found out I'm part black. Hell yeah. From the waist down. No, not true. I sold about 120 of these for St. Paddy's Day. Like we all got our dicks sucked for St. Paddy's Day. Nice dude. Wow. Absolutely incredible. And you think that wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for the shirt? Probably would have, yeah. Okay. How much did the white girl that sucked your dick weigh exactly?

I do love big beautiful women. Yes, I do. Absolutely. 100%. 100%. Absolutely. A Nigerian delight, we call that. Yup, yup. What's the biggest woman, if you had to guess the weight of the biggest white woman that you've ever been with? What would that weight be? What would the weight of the white be? - White! - Man, uh... - Welcome to another episode of... - Weight of the white. - Just like Mike Epps said, man... - What? If she's two-some, we can do some. You know what I'm saying? Wow.

Thanks for giving props. I appreciate that. We would have called you out if you... But I actually found out that I like the SS BBWs. Do explain. Super Saiyan BBWs. You know what I'm saying? What does that mean? Well, what exactly? Super size. Big, beautiful women. I thought you were going to say something. I'm like, that's what we were talking about. I love big booties. Like, I love those, like, big, those deep crevice booties. You know, the kind that can spread the ass cheeks apart and wrap around your whole pelvis and shit. Oh, shit.

That's what I'm into. Tolu, can I just say I love your... Tolu? Tolu, yes, yeah. Tolu, can I... Thanks for correcting me. You got a tight butthole, bro. Thanks, dog. Hell yeah. Can I just say that I love everything about you? I appreciate that. I like your whole attitude right now. I'm a big fucking fan, bro. I love your shit, man. Thanks, Tolu.

So you take the butt cheeks and you spread them and climb inside of it like Luke Skywalker climbed inside of that animal to stay warm on the planet Hoth in Empire Strikes Back? I'm sorry, what'd you say? Nothing. Harlan Williams, what do you think about Togu Agunbiade? I just, I see that clover on your shirt, right? Yes. And I'm thinking, to suck you, are you really that lucky? Well, you know, instead of kiss me I'm Irish, you know,

I'm part Irish, so, you know, but I'm mostly black, you know, so. Bullshit, really? And I'd rather get my dick sucked. Do what? Are you telling me you're mostly fucking black? I'm mostly black, yeah. You're going to look me right in the fucking eyes, guy. I knew this was going to throw him. Tell me you're mostly black. Fuck this. I'm out of here. No, Harlan, no. Come on, man. No, don't leave, Harlan. Harlan. Don't leave. Come back. Come on, buddy. You're black. I'm a little Vietnamese girl. How about that?

"Suck me a Vietnamese!" And that's the name of the dish I prepare in the kitchen. "Suck me a Vietnamese." I'd eat it. You will. So Tolu, how long you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it seven years, two serious years. First five years was kind of like a hobby. Okay, and two serious, where are you at?

What? Where do you live? I live in Lawton, Oklahoma. Oh, okay, Lawton, Oklahoma. Drove 20 hours here. Wow. My God, and you made it. Thank you, thank you. Tolu, everybody. Amazing. When he's not in Oklahoma, you can find him at the end of a very dangerous rainbow because he's supposedly Irish. What part of Oklahoma did you say? Lawton, Oklahoma. Lawton, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's black suck-me country up there.

Facts. Are there a lot of black people there in Oklahoma? Yeah, yeah. Are there a lot of black Irish people there in Oklahoma? I'm probably the only big dick Irish man. What do you think is the most Irish thing about you? What's that? What's the most Irish thing about you? I got a temper sometimes. Nigerians don't ever get a temper? Do what? Do Nigerians...

Have a temper? Nah, they're chill. That's the Irish in you, dude. What's that? That's the Irish in you. Yeah. Nigerians, we, I don't know, we just, you know, we want that account number type shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, no doubt about it. So wait, say your name one more time, man. Tolu Agun Biedig. Okay, so that's on your father's side. So if you're half Irish, your mother's maiden name is? Primus. Primus. Optimus Primus? My middle name is Miller. What? Your middle name's what? My middle name's Miller. Miller, okay. I don't believe that for a second. You know that. Miller? When your first name's Ulala Wuhiha Ohlala, Miller ain't fucking cutting it, guy.

What does your name mean? Uh, so, uh... Got him! Red band's on fire on the soundboard tonight. Got him! But you guys can call me Tech Daddy Alpha. Okay. I would like to call you that, Tech Daddy Alpha. Tech Daddy Alpha. Yeah. What do you do for work?

I was working at FedEx. Right now, I'm Ubering. I don't want to talk about... There's going to be a lawsuit, but I can't really talk about it. Oh, shit. This guy's the goddamn CEO. But I got other interesting shit to talk about, though. Okay. Like what? Well, I'm a cage fighter. Whoa, wait, hold on, hold on. Hold on a second. Hold on. How many cage fights have you been in?

Uh, probably about 30, 30 something. Wow. Yeah. How many of you won? Oh, well, okay. So my, uh, my amateur record, amateur record, eight and four.

Pro record, 5 and 10. I've had a bunch of boxing matches, some kickboxing matches. I fought in February, won a fight in a minute and two seconds with a darts choke. Well, that was Black History Month, so... I didn't hear that. What was that? The Mexican drummer behind you said that it was Black History Month. Which Mexican? You'll have to guess. He sees you. He sees you.

I love it. Oh, yeah. My friend said if I didn't win that fight, I wouldn't be able to celebrate Black History Month. So I won. I won. So I was able to celebrate. The good news is Irish History Month was right around the corner. Word. Word indeed. I love it, Tolu. I was friends with the serial killer once. Okay. Was it Lucky Charms serial killer? Very good. You beat me to it on that one.

Because you're Irish, but you're definitely not. Okay, go ahead. I was saying, I also almost got shot by some homeless people by creaking the cave in Austin. Yeah. Who hasn't? Right. I mean, that's just natural. What were you doing? You were just walking, and what happened? So I...

Came to the show a few months ago and we stayed at the Sheraton. So it was like four o'clock in the morning. I wanted to get something to eat. I was going to that gas station by Creek in the Cave. And so there were two homeless people standing outside. They're obviously homeless. One didn't have a shirt on and they were asking me for 20 bucks. And I was like, I ain't got 20 bucks. And so one of them pulled a knife out.

And so I pulled my pistol out and I had it right here. Hello right for tax The Texas way And so but but the other guy he was crazy. He was like, oh my partner's got one too He's like busted busted. And so, you know, I'm looking at these dudes and I

I'm not a fucking murderer. So I just like look at them and they just look like this. The nice and easy. I'm a nice guy. Yeah. And, you know, the guy who pulled out a pistol, they look I mean, tricked myself. So, yeah, they look like, you know, homeless guys. So I just went to the store, got something to eat and I'm walking out and they're walking up on me. And I'm like, I don't want any problems. And the dude just pulls. He draws on me and he's I'm just like.

maybe about like as far as that thing is right there. And so he had me, and my reaction was to put my hand up, and I said, stop. And I don't know why, but I thought I was Neo from The Matrix or some shit. And at the same time, just a reflex, I'm going, I go for my gun, but I'm too scared to actually go for it because he has a drop on me. Right, and plus your hand gets caught on your giant cock. Your cock's wrapped around it. Yeah, it's...

It's the safety, it's the safety. So, uh, anyway, luckily there was a cop driving by, so he puts this shit up, and I left. And he's like, "Black guy, get on the fucking ground!" And arrests you. And you're like, "I'm not gonna..." I came signed up the next week though, 'cause, you know, I was unfazed. And then he saw your shirt, the police officer saw your shirt, and he's like, "Wait, are you Irish?" And then he gets on the knees, he can't help it. He reads it and sucks.

Well, Tolu Agunbiade, a.k.a. Tech Daddy Alpha, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket on this massive show. Thank you very much. Tolu, great to meet you, buddy. Very fun. Good work. Good job, buddy.

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Let's do something fun, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to introduce one of the greatest regulars, one of the first regulars and greatest regulars in the history of the show. This young lady was... We had no idea what we were doing with this fucking show when we fucking built it, but...

This young lady had to write and perform a brand new minute every single week 11 years ago. She's back for a very special performance. This is a brand new minute from the great Sarah Weinshank, everybody. What's up? I think gender fluid sounds like another name for cum.

I feel like there probably aren't too many murder mystery dinners in Compton. Nobody's talking about it, but food is gender. Like if you're a man, I don't want to see you eating a cupcake. If you can't handle a full piece of cake, you do not deserve good pussy. And if you're a straight man, I don't want to see you eating string cheese.

It's the gayest way that a straight man could ever eat cheese. What are you doing? Slice into a block of cheddar with a knife like a man. I went to my first strip club recently and I loved it because it was the exact same sensation as going to the duck park. And the ducks only like you when you have bread. And there's one ugly duck trying to get all of your bread.

Like, there's other ducks here too. There's a lot of similarities between a duck park and a strip club. For example, if you kidnap a duck, no one does anything.

Fuck yeah, Sarah Weinshank. Unbelievable. Minute 45 seconds from the person who was the first to have this crazy job. A hot 45. 11 years ago. Absolutely incredible, Sarah. I love that you still have that wacky style of taking little things, well enunciated, very clear to understand, great timing. What did you guys think about Sarah Weinshank? Well, I...

Yeah, she was great. I do take a little offense when you said, like, guys can't eat string cheese.

Well, you can but then you're gay but the way I eat it and I think it's because I'm not stripping it off I deep throat the string cheese So I think that makes me a straight heterosexual man. That makes you even more gay No, what about this? Not the way you set up that joke. No, I take it I take it and I spit on it and I shove it up my ass Even straighter Tony even straighter. That's a straightest way to eat it Straightest way to eat that cheese

Harlan Williams, you like a good piece of Gorgonzola every once in a while.

You like to chorg on a gorgonzola? I actually grill my string cheese. It takes forever. But I'm sort of distracted a little, my tender, tender love, by your giant ring. You have a big, like, kind of Dracula-esque ring on your finger. Can you tell me a little bit of the history of that heirloom, where it comes from, what the significance is to you and your family, and what it means to you personally? And I don't really give a fuck anymore.

No, tell me about that ring. That is a beauty. I'm sort of like hypnotized by it a little. Well, first of all, I love an accessory, so thank you for noticing. You're welcome. It's from this brand, German Kabirsky. They sent me all of my rings. Shout out to them. Hell yeah. That is indeed a good shout out. And you're Jewish, so you like free shit. I do. More rings, please. Woo!

But does it mean anything? Is there any symbolic meaning? Because it's so elaborate. It's almost like a hood ornament. It's huge. Is there any significance, any meaning? Am I going to have to ask you any more times? Make something up. Harlan won't stop. Make something up. It's a family heirloom. Thank you. It was gifted to me from my Jewish dead grandmother who was a Holocaust survivor, Harlan. Oh, my God. That's a lot.

I knew it the minute I saw it. Still not over that, huh? No. My goodness. Incredible. How did you get that? Schindler's ring. Holy fuck. How did you get it from her? She was able to keep it during the Holocaust? She was just out there bawling while people are looking for grass to eat? Totally. Yeah, she was dishing out favors to the guards. I think she might have hid it in her attic somewhere.

- Ooh. - That's your pussy. - Sarah, you're so fucking funny, so awesome. Everybody loves you, you're a killer. I'm so proud of you and your growth and congratulations on making another appearance on Kill Tony. Thank you for coming. One of the first regulars ever. - Great job. - There she goes, Sarah Weinchenk. We're gonna keep it moving along right now with the golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. You guys like golden ticket winners?

You know this young man very well. You were there right after he lost his virginity. He's 21 years old, but he doesn't look it. This is a brand new minute from Golden Ticket winner Heath Cordes. Yeah. I, uh...

I had a bad dream last night where I was being chased by Ronald McDonald and I had to change my undies when I woke up. 'Cause of all the cum. I didn't go through puberty when I was supposed to, so I took T-shots to get my balls working just a little bit. And it's terrible. Yeah, puberty lied! Puberty told me that I would break five feet, get a deep voice, and get some muscles.

But all I got was some acne, public erections, and a mustache inside my asshole. I was at an open mic last night, I was gonna try something new, and I almost got scared and didn't. But then I remembered if something scares you, that means you should do it. So I tried it, and now I have a coke habit. Thank you! Heath Cordes. I bet your coke-- I can't even imagine-- did you really try cocaine?

No. You'd be a dangerous little coke doer. Yeah, I know. You wouldn't even have to lean over the coffee table. You could just walk right up to it. Yeah. No one notices when I take it from their pockets. You are adorable. I've never seen anyone's lanyard go all the way to their cock before. Yeah. It's unbelievable. You are truly fucking your own self right now.

Heath, amazing. You were the West Hollywood Bear on Friday. Here you are doing a set tonight. Put a little twink in a bear costume. That's right. $25 on Amazon. Yeah, it was nice. It fit well. I think it was made for children. It was. Yeah. It was. I selected ages 10 to 11. Yeah.

It was very snug, but in a good way. I felt warm and cuddly. Absolutely. So you wore a... I'm sorry, I'm catching up here. He wore a little baby bear costume on Friday in the big arena. Yeah. It came out. I looked very good in it. I pulled it off. Sure you did, Heath. Yeah. I don't feel like you believe me, Adam. I believe you. Okay. People just probably thought you escaped from Build-A-Bear or something like that. They're like, wait, I just... I built him on a date. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I got the same birth certificate from Build-A-Bear. Harland, have you ever seen anything quite as adorable as a Heath Cordes? Well, it's like if Meet the Robinsons could come to life, this is it right here. I love you. How old are you, guy? I'm 21. 21? What's the tat? Most of you... Yeah, I saw that. This is no half measures. It's from Breaking Bad. It's a really good episode.

So you put an episode name of a- Yeah, I got it when I was 18. Holy fuck, I hate to tell you but you're only 12 so something's not working. Yeah. He got the tattoo from the future. Father?

Heath, how else have you been celebrating this weekend? Is this your first time in L.A.? Yeah, I'm in Pauly Shore's house. That's neat. That's right. Yeah, that's cool. He's collecting them all. Oh, yeah. Pauly's out of town, and he left this fucking absolute gang of insane. How about a hand for Pauly Shore? Woo!

Getting a producer credit on this episode for housing literally the world's weirdest episode of the real world ever. Just five insane people with a mansion that gets to do whatever they want. I saw Cam Patterson rolling up there yesterday with a, they had pillows that they stole from the hotel next door. So some type of pillow fight or something like that. Anything can happen. Right.

Perhaps they were using it to silence the guns that those people like to shoot. Anyway, Heath. Can I ask you, and this is for real, because you got the look, you got the look. It says, I don't even know what we're live, but have you ever been an altar boy, my guy? Have you ever? It's a profession I never got to try out. Okay, it's coming. Too bad, because...

You would have shined. I know. Yeah. You would have shined. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. Did you ever just wander into like a junior school and pretend you're one of the kids? Like you ever just wander? Yeah, I get free lunch. It's great. Yeah. Really? It's like that movie Never Been Kissed with Drew Barrymore. She just went to high school. You could go right back. Yeah. But to elementary school. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you drive, buddy? Do you drive? No, I don't right now. I gotta get a car. Yeah, you're gonna get a car. I think there's some Tomkas on sale down at the mall.

Little power wheels. I mean, you would literally... Look, everyone knows you look young, it's great, but you'd get pulled over every, like, seven miles, right? They think there goes a fucking nine-year-old in a Prius. Yeah, I drove for, like, a few years. It didn't happen that much. It was weird. Oh, so you did drive. But I don't right now. So this is fascinating to me because, holy fuck, you look like my sister's daughter. Uh...

What's the interaction? When the cop pulls you over, they come up to the window, they see you sitting there playing with your Lego, and what do they say? Yeah.

I've never been pulled over. Oh, you haven't? No, no. Have you broken any laws at all? Yeah. Like what? I ran a red light and I crashed my car. Wait, how do you have a car? You get pulled over, but you fucking rammed someone. Yeah. He pulled himself over. That was the first time I ever got a ticket. No.

- No way. - Yeah. - And what did the cops say when he found you laying on the side of the road? - I immediately gave him my license. That way I didn't go to jail. - Fair. - Dude, the airbag must've just swallowed you alive. - Yeah. - Wow. Were you frightened? Did you shit your pants? - I did, yeah. I shit my diapy. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Diapy, okay. Wow.

Harland is hard as a rock right now. Heath, you did it again. So much fun. Everybody loves you. Golden ticket winner, Heath Cordes. Way to go, guy. Funny stuff, buddy. You know, this show started in Los Angeles. Next month will be 11 years in a row, and it started in a tiny room with fucking 16 people maybe in it. So I figured, why not do something special? Let's go back to back

Golden Ticket winners here tonight. I'm gonna bring out another one, perhaps one of the strongest ever to be awarded a Golden Ticket. Many years ago in Washington, D.C., here with a brand new minute, make some fucking noise for Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yeah, here he comes. Oh, yeah. Wobbledy, wobbledy, womp, drop it like it's hot. Martin Phillips.

What's going on? Oh, shit. Hey, shut up. Okay. One minute. Anyway, I've been looking for a side chick, but I have to find the main chick first. Uh...

Okay, okay. I like to dance, but when I dance, people think I'm having a seizure. But then when I'm having a seizure, people think I'm dancing. It's a predicament. A gay man told me I had a nice ass.

So I can say that my ass is gay man approved. Not tested. Not there yet. Wow, what a pro. Exactly one minute on the dot.

Incredible. I love this new look you have, Martin. This is like fear and limping in Las Vegas. Yeah, okay. This is L.A. Marty. L.A. Marty. I love it. It's actually cold as shit here. Yeah. I did not bring a jacket. For those of you that don't know, he has cerebral palsy, and for the first time tonight, he's also blind, obviously. This is exciting. Like D-Madness. You're like C.P. Madness. Oh, yeah.

It stands for cerebral palsy. For those of you that don't have a whole slew of medically challenged friends like I do and Pauly Shore's house does right now. Imagine they're all saying at Pauly's hotel, Pauly. I love it. So, uh,

Guy's your first time seeing Martin Phillips? That's my first time man. Good job, dude. And what inspired the outfit? Like I love the Magnum PI kinda Hawaii Five-0 thing. You're coming to LA? So you're not from here my guy? No. Where are you from my guy? Virginia. Virginia? Yeah. Oh wow. What street? Oh.

All the way. All the way. No way. What number? Donnie? Donnie? Whoa. I think he's trying to fuck you, Harlow. Yeah, dude. Amazing. So, so fun. Oh, Red Band. A little bit late on that one.

Wait, so is this your first time to L.A.? No, I've been here before, but it's been a couple of years. What were you doing when you were here last time? I got to know, guy. Just hanging around. I did some mics and, yeah, I'm...

Salt, like in... Did you get down to the beach? Did you go down to the beach and look for heroin needles and stuff? Yeah, yeah, salt water, of course, yeah. Yeah, what'd you do at the beach, my guy? You're saying "my guy" a lot. Yeah, uh, "bro, I just hung out at the pier," you know? You were out at the pier? Yeah, uh... My guy? Holy fuck. Yeah, bro. What'd you see out at the pier, my guy? My guy...

It's not a guy, it's my guy. Hey. Don't you fucking my guy mean my guy. Ah, shit. Okay, buddy, okay. Yeah. Look, let's get the UFC fighter back out of here, man. Yeah, yeah, okay. Get in the cage, Harlan. All right.

Can I order some Mai Tais for my guys? Who are you picking on this guy, my guy? I'm not picking on my guy. This guy fucking called me buddy, my guy. Oh, my guy. It feels like you're picking on my guy over there. Fucking Magnum, my guy over here. I thought we were all guys here. I thought you were all my guys.

Oh my god, my guys. Let's get it together. Maybe we should all go to West Hollywood and be a bunch of my guys over there. I think that would make us a bunch of my guys. Those are your guys. Hello, Dr. Pepper. So I missed it. What did you see out on the pier? Because there's people fishing, there's birds, you see whales. I saw all that shit. So everything I just said, you saw it. Did you see a fucking giraffe? How about that? It was fucking insane.

Yeah, so when you come to LA, I always wonder when people come to LA, it sucks way harder than they think it will, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. Did you go to the wax museum, my guy? No. I went to the cemetery, my guy. Yeah. Oh, my God!

You went to the cemetery? Yeah, the Hollywood Cemetery. They're just as stiff there as they are at the wax museum. The other cemetery, the wax museum. Yeah, it's a different... You really went to the cemetery? Yeah. Whose graves did you see? It's got a... They don't give you a map, so you don't know where the fuck... You can't find anybody. Oh, Jesus. There's probably somebody out there. Somebody out there is like, oh, my God, one of the... There's a zombie out there alive right now.

One of them... Oh, my God, honey, look, way out there. One of them undug himself. LAUGHTER

Did you see any celebrity graves when you were at the graveyard, my guy? My guy, I saw that guy. The voice of Bugs Bunny. Oh, Mel Blanc. Yeah, that guy. Oh, wow. I was there two weeks ago. I was at Meatloaf's grave. I drizzled gravy all over it. He's there? I didn't know he was buried there. Yeah, Meatloaf's buried there. I didn't know he was dead. Yeah, all you got to do is sniff. You'll go right to his grave. Meatloaf's dead? Meatloaf's dead. It's been

He's cooked. He's cooked. Really? He's cooked. Man, I got to catch up to your jokes over here about meatloaf.

Hey, easy, my guy. Easy. My guy. My guy. Would you get a tramp stamp of my guy on the back? Be honest. We have all my guys have to do it together. We have to do it together. All my guys. All guys. Well, there's five of us. Why don't we just get a tattoo of five guys, the burger joint? Down with that. That's a great idea. My five guys. How about that? Five guys.

Catch me outside, how about that? Catch me outside, how about that? Harlan's always quick with those topical references. Catch me outside, my guy, how about that? Catch me outside, my guy, how about that? Coming with that hot topical heat from 11 years ago.

Martin Phillips, so much fucking fun. Anything else you want to say or do up here? No, just thanks for having me. There you go. Really funny, dude. Great job. You know him, you love him. There he goes, Martin Phillips, back to the bucket we go. Great job, buddy. Section 104, row B, seat 3. Make some noise for Dane Anthony, ladies and gentlemen. Dane Anthony.

Here we go. Dane Anthony. Here's Heidi. And here comes Dane, I'm sure, right behind her. Here's Dane, everybody. What's up, theater full of people? I have a pretty fun dad. He was a stripper. Anyone else? No one's dad showed dong? It is pretty weird finding out your dad was a stripper because I thought he just had a lot of jobs.

He was a firefighter. He was a cowboy. He was cheating on my mom. I should have known he was a stripper though, he made it pretty obvious. Every time he gave me my allowance, he made it rain on me. We didn't have a timeout corner, he just put me in a cage and made me go-go dance. I knew I was the only kid, I knew something was wrong when I was the only kid at school with snap-away khakis. Alright, that's my time, thank you everybody.

Exactly one minute. Dane Anthony. Hello. Step up here, Dane. How's it going? How long have you been doing stand-up? A year. A year. One of the funniest lesbian comedians we've ever met. Yeah, for real. Absolutely incredible. Lesbian potter. Yeah. When your dad retired from stripping, did he join the village people? Yeah. No, he didn't.

Another very topical reference, village people. 45 years it's been since their last scandal. He's on fire, dude. I've got to get back to the future! How about that Rubik's Cube? Isn't that thing fun, anybody? Who's fucking with that light bright? Oh, God. Yeah, the wheel. Has anybody tried this new thing, the wheel?

Okay. Dane, one year, you live in LA? Yes. You live with your parents? No. How old are you? 27. What do you do for work? I don't have a job. What did you do last? I sold weed. Okay. How do you lose that job exactly? Explain to all of these people wearing Dodger hats how they could be one bad sell away. I had to move back in with my mom. I just asked you if you lived with your parents and you said no. No, it was last year.

So when you sold weed, because that seems like a thing that doesn't happen anymore, did you sell weed at like a Med Men or? It was through a company, it was like a delivery service. Thank you for your service. Yeah. So if you don't work and you're living with your mom, I'm guessing your mom... I live with my girlfriend. So your mom's your girlfriend. That's hot.

What does your girlfriend do for work? She works for the Red Cross. Wow, the Red Cross. Does she drive blood around? Yeah. Holy fuck, she ever get in a car accident and there's blood everywhere? In 1973? So, she is supporting you? At the moment, yes. I am looking for a job. What are you qualified for? What can you be good at? Oh,

Other than selling weed, what else have you done in your 27 years on planet Earth? I worked in restaurants. My dad had a restaurant. Okay. That was in LA? In the Bay Area. Alright. Okay. What was it? What kind of food, my guy? It was a pub and restaurant. What was it called? Like one of those British, like the upside down seahorse clit or something? Yeah.

Yeah, he renamed it to our last name Delaney. So it was Delaney's Pub and Grill. So it was an Irish pub. Yeah. Any black guys sucking cock inside? Well, I don't think the black guy was sucking. I don't think he was sucking. Oh, I think he bends over and sucks it a lot. I'm glad you said it. Amazing. So what kind of food did you serve? Irish pub? What'd you have? Shepherd's pie, my guy? And what else?

Oh, my guy. They had these really good funnel cake fries. It was delicious. That was the only thing I liked. Did you smoke weed through them? Yeah. The way you whispered it. Yeah, just kind of eerie. You ever go to Stephen King's house in the middle of the night and rub his tits? You will. You will. So it wasn't that long ago that you went by Ellen Page, and now it's... Wait, what?

Well, I know Harlan doesn't get it because it's a three-year-old reference. There was an actress named Ellen Page. She transitioned into Elliot Page. Oh, yeah, yeah. She's a great guy. Elliot Page. She is my guy. Yeah, she is my guy. My guy, yeah. Have you ever thought about transitioning because you're so close to the middle? It's only like a small step. I thought it would be a lot cheaper. It's one small step away. Almost there.

Okay, sorry. All right, what else? What do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that likes playing chess against himself. Yeah, it's kind of the kind of guy that owns a skateboard but never steps on it. That's right. I got it.

I like to take mushrooms and go on walks. That's what I've been doing lately. Wow. What happens? Man to the people. Any chance you walked by a cemetery yesterday and thought you saw a fucking zombie walking around? You're like, no, I just have to be tripping my balls off because that can't possibly be. What do you do when you walk? I like to lightly stalk people. Like, not with malicious intent. No, just...

I'll just like follow people for a while. They'll, they kind of dictate my journey. Just wherever I end up. You ever halfway murder someone? No, I usually commit. So like if I, am I doing it? I'm doing it. So you marry them and then kill them? Yeah.

I like that. I like that. I love it. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? I mean, your girl is paying your rent. She's fully supporting you. I'd imagine you're stuck eating pussy all the time. Oh, yeah. And always putting the toilet seat back down. But anything else in the bedroom that you do? Dane is dropping in from the ceiling fan. If I know anything about Dane... Yeah. You ever have trouble finding her golden snitch? Yeah.

No, I'm pretty good at it. We've been dating for eight years now, so I'm familiar with the territory. Okay. What's a special move that you do? Well, lately, we... So, not lately. I've known this my whole life. So, my penis is curved, but it curves down, which makes it perfect to hit the G-spot.

That's not what the G-spot is. That's actually the opposite. Yeah, you're going the wrong direction. Can you believe it? This guy's got no job and he has a Bentley. Fuck me.

So you actually, you got to fuck her like upside down. That's kind of acrobatic. No, because it goes down so it hits the top spot, you know what I'm talking about? Oh, okay. Sadly, I don't. So the base of his penis, because it's like that, is crushing the top. If you stuck it in a glory hole at the shell station, it would come around and slap you in your own face.

He's laughing because he knows, right, my guy? Yeah. My guy over here knows that it's the Shell Station. Oh, yeah, stall five. How hard is the bend on this? Can you show us with, like, your hand or your fingers or something? What's the arc? Whoa! Oh, my God, that is quite the dip. Wow.

That's full-on flamingo right there. Yeah. Are you guys got bent dicks? Like to the left or the right? Up or down? Stick with the soundboard, Red Ben. He's saying with the hard-hitting questions. This one's for the panel. Jesus Christ. No, my dick bends the regular way, yeah. It's kind of up. Mine bends backwards if I sit down. It's fucking illegal.

By the way, I see you have a tattoo on your arm there. Just a little one. What is that? That fascinates me. I don't know. This was the only one I regret. I have a couple more. I don't know what it is. I don't know why I got it. You don't know what it is? No, it was like a Friday the 13th special thing. They have like a... What? Tattoo shops every Friday the 13th. They have a selection of tattoos that you can get for cheap.

Oh shit. So it was just a- it was a mistake. That's what it was. Well, what is it? What's the image? I don't know. I like to think it's like the flower clouds from Spongebob. That's what I think. Wow. Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh... Yikes.

Dane Anthony, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. I'm going to save you before all of Los Angeles turns on you. There he goes. I liked you, Dane. Keep it up, buddy. Dane Anthony. Dane Anthony. Get on that skateboard, bud. Take a wide left on your way out, bent dick.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring up one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show to perform a brand new minute. You know him, you love him. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only, the great and powerful Cam Patterson. ♪ Wild ♪ Here he is, everybody. Oh, shit.

They pull their titties out, nigga! Y'all let's see it. Ayo! Alright, alright. Thank y'all. Thank y'all so much. I don't really have too much planned for tonight, but I do have notes. I have things I've been working on. One thing I've been thinking about is Joe Biden, I don't know what he does,

But I know they just make that nigga just sign random shit. 'Cause he recently just signed a bill that made lynching a hate crime. I think it's a little late for that. You know what I'm saying? Another thing that I've been thinking about, I recently went to a graduation and I think college is the biggest scam of all time. Yeah. And I don't know if you know this or not, but some colleges are making like special ed people pay to go to college.

And that's the biggest finesse to me I've ever seen in my life. Like, what they finna major in? A finger painter? And what they mind are gonna be friendship, nigga? I don't know. That's it. You did it again. I guess they...

It's been a long, fun weekend for Cam Patterson here in Los Angeles, so much so that he's wearing his pajamas right now. - You dialed it way down for this show, man. - Well, let me tell you something. First of all, hold up, give me a second. I only wear a Pacific type of white T-shirt, and I didn't pack enough. And then I didn't want to put no dirty one on, so I was like, "Fuck it, I'll just wear a tank top. I look good." You feel what I'm saying? - Yeah. - I don't know if you people

They were showing me they titties over there nigga do it again Wow Wow Oh Unbelievable that is true. Yep. There you go. Get that on the gym Halo cam there Anthony I'm gonna do this shit all the time now, man. Oh, dude if you need help I know a guy that's selling green shirts with a black clover on it. I

I think you deserve one of those. I need one. I ain't ours, but them white bitches can suck my dick. I'll take that. Yes, sir. Whoa! Wow. Yeah, I'm excited, man. Unbelievable.

It's like a chicken or the egg. I mean, it's like... Have you ever seen girls, like, pull their hooters out like that before, Cam? Nah, but I love it. You love it? Talk to me. Talk me through it. Have you ever heard a man use the word hooters for boobs to you before, Cam? Cam, what are you, 24, 25? Yeah, he's teleported from 1983. Oh, yeah, there's some real hooters over there. Yeah.

Very excited. Real bazoingas. From section 203. I took the locomotive here to see some hooters. Did you see those memories? Memories was crazy. Why you call titties that, man? Titties. Titties? Yeah, titties. You don't say hooters? Hell no. I know it's a restaurant called Hooters. Did you invent that? No, but I have seen owls living in your hair. Oh my God.

What did you call the restaurant? What the fuck, Ham? What did you call the restaurant? It's called Hooters. Hooters. Hooters. Who the fuck said that? Hey, I want some wing. Let's go to Hootah. That's what it's called, Hooters, nigga. And that's not what it's called? Well, there's a T in there for sure. That's what the fuck I was saying, Hooters. Sounds like a D. Okay, maybe I'm not saying it right. I look good on this camera, nigga. Oh, shit.

Dude, I caught yourself. I caught you looking at yourself when you walked out. You did like a half flex. You didn't fully commit to the flex. I'm still like a little, you feel me? I'm still a little buff a little bit. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Hell yeah. I look. They say, what? You know what I'm talking about? Come on now, man. Unbelievable. So how Irish are you exactly? Not a lick, nigga. I'm 100% black man to my core. Absolutely. 100%. What street? What street?

What the fuck did that even mean? That's not how that works. How's everything been going? Where were you in that posse doing taking pillows up to Pauly's house last night? You said, what the fuck? What? What was you and your crew doing with pillows? Oh, no. Oh, my dog Bobby Brown Jr. was staying in the hotel with me, you know what I'm saying, because he's like a homeless nigga. And he was staying with me, and we were going to San Diego, kind of showing San Diego, and he took the...

They over there, hell yeah, sat down San Diego. And I had someone in San Diego, and he took the pillows from the hotel to the car, because he wanted to sleep in the car. He's a thief, man. Yeah. I keep a couple thieves with me at all times, so I feel like I'm at home still. You know what I'm saying? You got to. I was in the All-Star game today, the Netflix game. What sport? Basketball. You played basketball today? I'm fucking the best, nigga, yes. Oh my goodness. Hell yeah. I scored 35 points. Don't ask nobody else about that.

I scored 35. I would assume. How many steals did you have? Am I right? Am I right? Because of the color of his skin. I didn't get no steals. Nobody believes you. I got three wallets, four rebounds, and 35 points.

Cam, what's going on? What else is going on? My tour just started. My first date was in Temple. And y'all ever, like, root for yourself before? Yes. You have? No. Okay. That was crazy. That was very fast. Yes. I mean...

Well, I got to worry about getting canceled, so... Okay. No, I haven't. Well, that's a... That is true. Cam, unlike many of our guests and friends, Adam actually works in show business. I have a gig in show business. Not the Netflix. No, he's on HBO, right? I am, yeah. Play the HBO sound. That's much better. And also Netflix. I know you guys hate it, but, you know, I started on YouTube, so here we are. Here we go.

Started from the bottom, now we're here. I'm back, baby. Sorry, go ahead, Cam. I had a 4 p.m. show, and I took a Nike wheel

when I thought I was taking a day quill. Oh, shit. And so I was just in Tampa, sleepy as fuck on stage, and my friends gave me like the worst advice. My dog was like, "What you got to do is take a day quill to bounce out the night quill, and you'll be fine." And that wasn't a good idea. Then one of my other friends who sell drugs was like, "Nigga, do some cocaine." That was the other suggestion. And then my homeboy had one of the worst ideas I ever heard in my life. He told me, "Go to the bathroom, be to me, don't finish."

And so I just went on stage with a hard dick and sleepy as fuck. That was it. You know, I just looked out there. I thought all that was pretty good advice, honestly. You know, Cam, I'm looking out at the audience and there's a guy with a big smile on his face. He looks very proud. I know him. I know him well. Make some noise for his father, Kenny Patterson there in the green shirt. Stand up, Kenny. Take a bow.

There he is, live in the flesh. Look at him. The world's largest bad speller. Put a black clover on that shirt. Put a black clover on that shirt. Right behind the titty girls, too, for some reason. Oh, yeah. He's got the best seats in the house. My guess is he wasn't sitting there until they pulled their titties out. Show my dads those titties. Oh, shit. That sounds like an order. There they go. Right on cue.

Oh my god.

This is Kill Tony live. Right now we're getting word both the YouTube, we are canceled by both YouTube and Netflix right now. This is great. We'll be at the YouTube theater at the Netflix festival. We come to LA just to get in trouble. How fun. The power you wield, Cam. My God. This is great. Come on, man. You know what? You know what I think? Kenny Patterson, since they showed you theirs, I think you should show them your titties right now. How about that? Oh, shit. Don't do that. Oh, shit. Don't do that.

Don't do it again! Oh, shit! Oh, no! He waved it off. He waved it off. We all wanted to see it! He waved it off. Nah, that would've been crazy, though. Not on national television. Fuck, no. Dude, we got to... One of these days, we're going to get your dad on this stage so that people can see his fucking feet. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It is one of the scariest things. That's going to get you banned from YouTube, nigga. Yeah.

His feet gonna get-- not all this crazy shit, not titties, none of that. My daddy's feet gonna get you banned from YouTube, nigga. No doubt about it. No doubt. But we love him. One more time for Kenny Patterson, everybody. Yeah, yeah. On the road. Literally-- literally sells rocks for a living.

But actual rocks. His merch is rocks. You really can't stop looking at yourself. I like that. I look. Come on. You got hot boy syndrome. When I get like really in shape, I'm finna be taking these white hoes down. Nigga, you have no idea. You don't. I'm gonna pick me a big bitch up. Nigga, go real shit.

The people from San Diego love you, man. I love them, hell yeah. You know why they love you? You know why they love you? Because SeaWorld's down there and they think you're fucking Free Willy up here. How about that? How about this, Harlan? Fuck you, Harlan. I didn't know what else to say to that. Cam, you're the fucking man, dude. Hey, fuck you too, Redman.

Cam, you're the shit. Everybody loves you. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. And he's done it again with another brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, Cam Patterson. Back to the bucket we go. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. What the fuck? Good job, Cam. You got some for me? I want those. You're going to make it? You made them for Cam and not me? Get this guy the fuck out of here.

You could have just given them to me. He would have stolen them anyway. All right. So nice for Heidi, everybody, for the love of all of America. She's like a superhero. She is a superhero. She is funny, smart, cool.

If she was a dude, I would fuck the shit out of her. Okay, no laugh on that. That's just, it's so sad. Alright, make some noise for your next bucket pool. 60 seconds on Interrupted. We're gonna meet them all together. Make some noise for Owen Parker, everybody. Owen Parker. I still can't believe there was a guy named 7-7 on earlier. You guys still haven't putt- I work at a warehouse. There's a lot of safety rules. No distractions. You can't be on your phone.

But recently, my company hired someone who happens to be deaf in HR. We can have a deaf guy wandering around the warehouse, but I can't listen to music on the job. I actually wrote a complaint about that to HR. My complaint went completely unheard. Earlier today, I saw a video of a blind girl playing basketball, and when she shot her free throw, somebody had to tap on the backboard with a stick so she could echolocate where the net was. You know, like a dolphin?

And when she made the shot, the whole crowd went nuts. They cheered for her. But they could have cheered if she missed, right? I'd like to point out that the blind girl was shooting a free throw. That means somebody fouled the blind girl. I'm not the bad guy here. I'd just rather see that video. You know? Alright, that's my time, you guys. Alright. Okay, they clapped at that. Very interesting. Um... Hey, oh, oh, oh, okay.

All right, all right, relax. If I start it, that's not fun. Owen, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Two years. Two years. How long have you been answering the door at haunted houses? Did work at a haunted maze, so. You did? Yes, sir. Oh, my God. You're always spot on. I really feel haunted vibes coming from you. Adam, what do you think about this?

about this. I also worked at a haunted maze and that's not a joke, man. Oh yeah? And I'm from Rancho too. Oh shit. Wait, were you guys once, did you guys once work together at a haunted maze? My long lost brother. Owen! It's almost, I wonder how long ago was it? How many, uh, was it like half the time span of a Harlan Williams reference? Ha ha ha.

What did you do at the haunted maze? I was a werewolf. Okay. I was like a 16-foot tall goblin of sorts. Okay. And I got fired because I kept having my buddy bend me over and try to fuck me. Yeah.

I did. Did they have you on like stilts or something? Yeah, well no, I was like, I was standing and then I had this huge contraption above me and then I kept being like, "I'm a naughty monster." And then my other buddy was dressed as like a scary clown would be like, "I'mma fuck this monster." And then they're like, "They can't fuck the monster."

Got fired. Did you ever fuck your buddy in there? Well, I would be too high and then I would forget to scare people. I'd just stand there. Yeah, fair enough. So you were a werewolf. Yeah. Can you give us a little impression of your werewolf? Can you do what you would do? Well, like I said, I was too high, so it was just like...

"Rar!" "Ahh!" You know, like... And you're not allowed to touch people, so... And how high were you during this set? Not at all. Okay. Did it bother you that you weren't allowed to touch people? Yeah, a little bit, you know. How about the kids? Did that bother you more than the adults? That's why I got this smile, you know? Can't have this smile without touching people. Oh my god. You look like Tom Cruise if you worked on a cruise ship. What do you do for work now?

What is that? What do you do for work? I work in a warehouse. A lot of warehouse workers. What's going on? It actually is UPS. Oh. Call them out. Call them out. Not anymore. Three for three. Shouldn't you be working in a werewolf house? Very good. That is true. You put together your two occupations, werewolf, warehouse. Next job has to be

I don't know. Sometimes my brain doesn't go fast enough to finish the setup. I put a lot of pressure on myself. Usually you guys love it and it works out. That was one of those times. We are live, ladies and gentlemen. I'm still trying to think of it. Not currently. Huh? Not currently. Playing the field. Just single, working through shit, you know? Yeah, holy shit. What shit exactly? Yeah.

A year sober, so had to deal with that. Oh, tell us more about the sobriety. What are you sober from, exactly? Alcohol and everything in between. What was the everything in between that you were doing? Xanax. Keep going. And cocaine. Yep, you said it. Acid and any pill I can get my hands on. Wow.

All the good stuff. Did you ever do DayQuil and NightQuil at the same time? Have you been able to quit fried chicken yet? Okay, so what made you get sober? What was the final thing that happened to you in which you're like, damn, I have to get my life together? I crashed my car into a tree at 88 miles an hour. Shit. Heath Cordes did that. He's fine. 88 miles an hour. Yes, sir. Wow. And I didn't even go back in time.

What kind of tree was it, my guy? Oak. Oak! Big one, strong one. Those are nice. Yeah, love a good oak. Solid oak. Any birds in the tree? An owl? A blue heron? A fucking ostrich? Three in the morning, so... Three in the morning and you hit an oak. Holy shit. Party o'clock. Wow. Morning wood. Fuck yeah. Boom.

I love it. So what else do you do? What do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? Comedy, wrestling, average white guy shit. What kind of wrestling? Professional. You do professional wrestling? No, I enjoy it a lot. Okay. All right. Very good. Tony, I think the next job he's going, I think where he's going is nowhere. Oh, there you go. There's the where reference. I love it.

All right, well, Owen, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. There's a little joke book. We're going to keep it moving along. Big O, everybody. Okay, we're going to do something fun again. You guys like fun things, right? Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna bring up another former regular. This was the other young lady that was one of the two original regulars. She had to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. Now she is a writer and a performer across many things, a legend of the Legion of Skanks.

A grand champion, Rose Battler, one of the writers from Impractical Jokers, so many great things. A legend here on Kill Tony. Make some noise. A brand new minute from Kim Congdon, everybody. Here comes Kim Congdon. She started on Kill Tony. Her first time was on Kill Tony. Began writing and performing a brand new minute every week after that. Here she is. ♪

Thank you, thank you. I'm so glad to be here. I'm fucking excited. I'm in a great mood. I have a boyfriend now. Yeah, I do. Yeah, forever. No, no, no, no, no. Listen, I've been looking in LA for a long time. I got him in Texas. He's like a real man. I was looking for a man in LA, but every hot dude there has a boyfriend. And the straight ones paint their nails, and that's the same thing for me, honestly. I'm not kidding. You have to fuck a homeless guy in LA to find a man that can build a fire. Yeah.

My boyfriend's hot, he's strong, and that's my rule. My new boyfriend has to be able to beat up my last, you know? Like, my new boyfriend, he's 6'2", he's in the military, I feel like he could kill a man with his hands. My last boyfriend rollerbladed away from 9/11, okay? Do you know how bad that is? I'd rather fuck the guy flying the plane than the dude that rollerbladed away in JNCO jeans, okay? I got back together with him after that, yeah. Yeah, that's Tower 2.

I do worry that he's too manly, my new boyfriend, but it's fine. He's moving to LA with me, so he'll be trans in a week. Thank you guys so much. Fuck yeah. What a minute. Kim Congdon coming in, flexing. Hot, hot, hot, hot. Built in the Kill Tony universe. Hell yeah. And started first time on this show, and we immediately made her a regular. That was literally, I think, episode two or three.

And so she was built in the Kill Tony world and the roast battle world immediately started there. Hell yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. That's when I had a lot of eggs. Wildly successful. A famous writer on The Roast. Yeah, we had fun at The Roast. So many things. Yeah, you ended up at my table. I got very lucky. They gave me two fucking literally front table seats with me, Dana White, Sugar Sean, and Max Holloway, and you and David Lucas were in the right place at the right time. It was fucking sick, dude. I could smell Kim Kardashian's pussy from where I was sitting. It's true.

Smell like a taxi cab. It's not like a locker room. Yeah. Yeah, she's Armenian. You guys, you guys know Armenians. Those really only exist in L.A. If you're wondering L.A. and Armenia. I learned that when I moved to Texas. They have white taxi cab drivers. It is awesome.

Wow, weird. You have this kind of sentiment that I think is kind of running through society now that there's no real men left, right? What are women looking for now to find a real man? Dude, just like a fucking callus on their hands would be good. Callus? Yeah, a man that's like picked up a shelf or wood before. It's slim pickings in L.A. Every dude is, it looks like he eats pussy out of a mason jar, okay? Wow. You sound like you need to have sex at Ikea. That's what that sounds like.

Wow. What about a guy, you want a guy that can change a tire? A lot of men nowadays can't even change a tire. Yeah, dude. What the fuck? Yeah. Yeah, dude. A guy that can clean his own fish? Yeah, you have to be able to gut a fish. There you go. Kill a man. That's one of the things my boyfriend says now is that he'd like to kill a man that intruded his home. Wow. Yeah, of course. I love that, yeah. You love that? Yeah, I want someone willing to kill another man. Yeah.

Yeah, Puerto Rican. Yep, that confirms you are Puerto Rican. You are more Puerto Rican than the Nigerian man is Irish, and you're more Puerto Rican than the Nigerian man is Nigerian.

Incredible. That's the most Puerto Rican thing ever to want a man that wants to murder, that would murder somebody else. Kim, what else is going on in life? You're bouncing between Austin, Texas and Los Angeles. Yeah, I've been having fun. Lived in New York for a while. You ran the whole comedian, stand true stand-up comedian circuit from LA to New York to Austin. Yeah. What's next for you? Oh, man. I don't know. I'm having a good time writing, doing stand-up. I just found out I had arthritis. That's a fun thing.

Yeah, that's a fun new bit for me. Thank you so much, Red Band. No, it was really fun. The gym is different now. I used to do jujitsu and run on the treadmill, and now I have to swim. And I'm seeing new things about it, too. Now I see every time I swim in the pool, I'm only with old people, and I realize they over-salt the pools in case they die.

Oh, so that they float. So they float to the top, yeah. Pickles. Wow. Yeah, it's a lot of new things I'm learning. Where's your arthritis? What part of your body? My neck, my back, and that's it. My neck, my back. Everybody. Puss. Thank you. Thank you. That's what I'm adding to this segment. I love it. See, they put a lot of salt in the pools. They put a lot of salt in the pools, yeah. Redman wants to drink the water. Oh.

I love it. Kim, you did it again. So much fun. You're a cold-blooded assassin. We love you. Thank you guys so much. I love you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Throw that mic stand back on that red X for us. We're just going to keep it moving right along. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, famous for his roasting, Hall of Famer. This is indeed a brand new minute by David Lucas.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Yeah. Have y'all seen this new argument online where women are saying they'd rather be in the woods with a bear than in a room with a man? This is because they're scared to get raped. This is the stupidest shit I've ever heard

in my fucking life. And then I thought about it. Would I rather be in the car with a woman or a bear? I think I'd rather be in the car with a bear because at least a bear knows what the fuck he wants to eat. You know what I'm saying? For all you dumb bitches who chose the bear, the good thing for you is when that bear attacks you, at least nobody will ask you, "Well, what were you wearing?"

You know what's gonna be crazy when all these hoes find out that the bear is just a gay nigger from West Hollywood? All right, that's my time. David Lucas, thank you. Wow. One of my favorite jokes of the night. Wow. Incredible. That's amazing. What's up, Tony? So good. Tony, uh... Oh, here he goes. Oh, no. Tony, you look like a gay puffer fish. Oh, my God.

- It's true. - If I bite your booty, I bet you blow up, nigga. You know what? - Oh my God, would I blow up like you? - You and Adam Devine should get in a relationship. That'd be the best lesbian couple ever.

Oh my God. Harlan Williams, what's up, dawg? What's up, my guy? I know you need to get home. Harlan Williams got to get home because he left a crock pot on, nigga. Fucking old fuck. Whoa, whoa. Hey, take it easy, bro. You're the only guy I know has muffin tops on his fucking ankles. Yeah, when he came in here, those were fucking elevator shoes.

Harlan, you look like Joe Biden's spokesperson. Nigga, fuck, I fucked that joke up. Yeah, you fucked it up bad. Goddamn. You fucked it up real bad, my guy. I mean, my fucking guy. How about a whole fucking five guys right fucking there?

Oh shit. Harlan... Harlan's a beast, god damn it! Harlan is... he disguises his... he's a roast god. I thought this guy had a tattoo of the Monster Energy Drink logo on his stomach. It turned out to be his fucking stretch mark. I mean, honestly, dude, shouldn't you be in fucking Columbia or fucking down in fucking Denver stomping dinosaur footprints into a river?

Harlan, you got a tattoo of your medicine schedule, nigga. Get your motherfucking... 3 p.m. Alzheimer's, 6 p.m. blood pressure. This is the only guy I know. Everyone else in the country has Lyme disease. This guy's got key lime pie disease. Yo, this motherfucker cooking. Fuck this old bitch. You're my bitch tonight. How about that? My God, this place. It's been a ruckus. Really? Get the fuck out.

Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow I'm taking you to the car wash, hanging you upside down and putting that fucking hair to work. Yo, this nigga is cooked. I am cooking and you're just pissed off I didn't actually bring you some food. I would ask you to sit down, but you're going to fall through the stage any second. Damn! You want to go back to these guys now? Ah, damn.

Holy shit. I love you. Come on, hug him. Wow. Hug him out. Oh my God. This is my son right here. This is my son. Hell yeah. All of you, show your tits. All of you. Everybody, show your tits to my son. Absolutely stunning. When I hugged Harley Williams, that nigga smelled like Bengay and urine. Well, you wouldn't know the smell of gay.

You're sitting next to two of them. Look at how they're- Oh, no. What does your t-shirt say? Surplus. Oh, surplus plus plus plus. Tony, why you got that vest on? So niggas know both of your hands free? Oh, my God. No, it's so that unlike you, I can swim. There's not enough salt in a pool for you to float, motherfucker. Fuck the backstroke. Fuck the backstroke. Nigga, you do the booty stroke. Nigga, your ass.

You do the black stroke. Yeah. You come up for air with your asshole, nigga. And then you go back down for ten minutes, then get your motherfucker. You do the butter, butter, butterfly. Man, fuck you. Let me roast Matt Strife. I'm too fat for Matt Strife. I know, bro. What's up, bro? I fuck with all your shit, bro. Thanks, man. I love niggas. I'm a nice guy. I'm not built for this. I'll admit it. Okay.

You found the only nigga that got a voice that sound like you. That nigga is you with two shots of testosterone. Nigga, that's crazy. Thanks, man. I actually would love to do shots of testosterone if anyone has it. Hell yeah. Maybe you'll get some facial hair. Yeah.

That nigga look like a happy, healthy chipmunk. Nigga, that's crazy. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, just wait, nigga. Thank you. Just wait, boy. Wait for what? I don't know, nigga, but I'm going to get some... They ain't never roasted somebody my granddaddy age before. Oh, man. The only person that can stop you is a black church lady. Nigga, that's it. A lady with a fan. Dude, if your knees buckle any further, it's going to be the McDonald's arches. Oh, my God.

Maybe I should leave this old nigga alone. What the fuck? Yeah, you should. I fucking mentioned my arch nemesis, bro. 65 years of calling black people the N-word. Nigga, this is good. Harlan might be blacker than you. That's why he showed up 20 minutes late. Oh!

He showed up late because them nursing home vans only run every hour. - Whoa, you better take it easy. - That nigga look like the sexiest nigga in the nursing home. - Oh yeah, buddy. I'll suck a colostomy bag faster than you eat through a fucking Whopper with cheese with your colostomy. - This might be the greatest roast-off in the history of this show organically happening.

This is the second time you two have gone head to head and it is fucking never ending. Head to head or is it, I should call it head to bread. I'd get up and hug him again but I'm afraid he's gonna motorboat me. How many calories are in your vape pen? Oh shit, here he goes. What you drinking though, Tony? You look like you should have a Cosmopolitan or some gay shit.

I have a crown and coke and a Bud Light, not to be confused with you, Bud Heavy. Jesus Christ, what the ? - Yeah. - The fuck? I was just-- Dude, I think you started this. I always started, I always started. You did. It's a shame that you can't get a jacket that's the same size as your T-shirt. This is incredible. Fuck you and that bubble vest, nigga.

Most people have the alligator. You've got a fucking Galapagos tortoise on there. Galapagos, you old nigga. That's fucking medicine kicking in right now. You can't even get your words out, nigga. You got ten more minutes on this panel. -Oh, yeah? -Before you got to go re-- Maybe you can come back later and play banjo in my diaper. How about that? I don't even know what he's saying. He roasts like me, bro. That's why I can't roast this nigga. It's like the same-- The way I roast, it's like roasting myself.

We say crazy shit. Fuck you, Harlan. You just keep saying roast. Eventually one will appear. I'm going to call it. Roast, roast, roast. There's a fucking roast for the guy. I'm going to call it. David, you... By the way, quit sweating that fucking gravy all over me.

David Lucas, every fucking time you've ever come on this goddamn show, it elevates to a whole nother level. Kill Tony Hall of Famer. One of the best to ever do the fucking thing. Come on, come on. Make some goddamn noise for David Lucas. Whoo!

Give my son a hand, isn't he great? - Fuck yeah. - Priyam, gonna be a girl in the morning. Priyam. - All right, believe it or not, a bucket pool has to follow that, everybody. Here we go. We still having fun out there? How many of you Lego ink comedians do good on this show? How many of you Lego ink comedians do bad on this show? Whoa, ruthless. Make some noise, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brendan Mahaney.

Brendan Mahaney, everyone. You gotta clap for him. These people have been here since 5:00 PM hoping for the opportunity of a lifetime. The next regular, the next golden ticket winner, anything can happen. They could be right around the corner. It's where everybody else started. Here we go, Brendan Mahaney. I've been shot so many times, I actually have a favorite time. First time I got shot, bullet came in through the front of my helmet, rode across the top of my skull and stuck in the back.

I was like, "What the fuck was that?!" It was over and done with quicker than my virginity, man. I didn't have time to savor it. But my favorite time, my favorite time, it had to be my third time. The bullet came in from the side, hit me right about there, knocked me the fuck out! That was the best sleep I had in country. I'm telling you right now, it was fabulous. Hell yeah. But, uh, I did pick up a Purple Heart for that engagement. Yeah! Give it up for that guy. He was a hell of a shot. Yeah.

His team ain't really known for field goals, you know? They're usually running the ball in. All right, Brendan Mahaney on Kill Tony. Welcome, Brendan. Welcome. How are you? Thank you. Step on up here a little bit so that we could see you. Brendan, how long have you been doing stand-up? Right about a year now. About a year. Has anyone ever told you that you look like you molest motorcycles? Yep. Yep. Has anyone ever told you that you look like you rape fishing poles?

You look like Leonard Skinner's accountant. You son of a bitch. Speaking of Purple Heart, David Lucas also has a purple heart from all the grape drank. So a year doing stand-up comedy, what do you do for a living? I work at a startup. You work at a startup. Yes. What are you starting up? I'm working

It's technology. Is it an app where you can find little children to date? No, no. Grinder for kids? Kindergrindner? Finally, a good one by me. Jesus Christ. It's been a long week, people. It's been a long week.

So what made you want to start stand-up now? How old are you? Uh, 44. Mm-hmm. Actually... Wow, you don't look a day over 75. What? Jesus Christ. Wow. Thank you. Dude, I'm 40. Yeah, I was just gonna say... What's up, buddy? I'm 40 and I'm... I think we went to high school together. Yeah. Dude, didn't I saw you eat, my guy? You might. Four years older than you and I...

13 years younger than Harlan Williams. Absolutely. I should have gone with a bigger number. That wasn't funny. 30 years younger than Harlan. Why do you think you look like you do at 44? You've been shot 12 times. My God. It's been a long, it's been a rough life. But, you know, we're here. Who shot you, dude? Who shot you? The Tally Bands. I was in Afghanistan. Oh, you were in Afghanistan. All right. Give them a hand. Yeah, baby. That'll do it. Wow. Wow.

That'll do it. The fucking Taliban shot you, man? Yes, sir. Wow. Did you shoot back? Yeah, when I woke up. Yeah. So you shot your doctor? So you really got shot 12 times? No, I got shot four times. Okay, shot four times. Three times in the helmet, one in the shoulder.

That one in the shoulder hurt the most, didn't it? Yes. Yes. Yep. Absolutely. And how many of those sand rabbits did you kill? It's okay. It's not a slur. No, no. I've looked into it. I do my research now. They tried to cancel me three years ago. A sand rabbit is not a slur because it's a rabbit. It's a cute little animal. And just because I say sand before it, trust me, I do my homework now.

I learned a lesson. Sand Rabbit, an adorable name. So much so that even Middle Easterners love it. Where's my Middle Easterners at here tonight? Come on, let's fucking get them. Let's get them back, Brandon Haney. All right. So how many do you think you shot? I don't know, about 20 or 30. Wow, Jesus Christ. Look at you. My God. I've heard of having blood on your hands, but this guy's got fucking sand on his hands.

Absolutely incredible. Wow. And what branch of the military were you in? Army. Army. Hell yeah. National Guard. Oh, okay. Weekend warrior. All right, whatever. Where do you live?

- I currently live in Austin, Texas. - Oh nice. - Woo! - Fuck yeah. - Yes sir. - So what made you come to LA? - I drove Jared Nathan up here. - Oh sweet. Fuck yeah, we love Jared. - Hell yeah. - Man, you are, I thought you were a hero for your services overseas, but driving from Austin to LA with Jared Nathan is a whole nother level. You should have a purple heart and a fucking blue brain after all this.

Any highlights? Yeah, tell us some highlights. Well, the first night we stayed in New Mexico in a abandoned, well, it was a renovated nuclear missile silo. Oh, great. Exactly what Jared Nathan needs. More nuclear fucking waste on his head. What else? Then we hit up Rock City, City of Rocks in New Mexico. And then we had a show in Tucson. That was fun.

Hell yeah, Tucson. That was great. I really want to go back to Arizona sometime and do some comedy. That was great. All right. You just can't get enough of fucking sand-covered war zones. Well, at least that one had titty bars after. What's your love life like? What exactly, what types of corpses do you fuck out of the refrigerator? I've been single about this long. Okay. When's the last time you kissed a girl? Uh...

New Year's. A girl. Have you ever kissed a girl in Los Angeles before? No, never. Well, you know what, my friend? Here at Kill Tony, we just happen to have the greatest comedy fans on planet Earth, and there's a hell of a lot of beautiful women out here tonight. Is there a woman out there that's willing to give this war hero a big kiss on the lips, huh? True hero. You have to want to do it. These two are pointing at each other like absolute retards.

Anybody else? If you're a woman that wants to do it, stand up. Okay, let's fucking go. Oh, wait a second. Here we go. Let's do this one. Okay, sit back down. You're trashed. Jesus, what a slob that one is. What a tease. Absolute fucking West Hollywood piglet. Oh, hell yeah. Keep going. Go that way. They'll let you in. Let her in, security. She's good. That's for Troy.

Hell yeah. This is a segment on the show called Kiss Me. Harlan, I don't know if you know this. This is a segment on the show called Kiss Me. It's been happening for 11 years. Wow. And it's when a special person who hasn't had a kiss in a while. I haven't had a kiss since the 70s. Well, here she is, ladies and gentlemen. A hero comes along. Wow. Wow. Oh, oh. Just like a beer.

Absolutely incredible. Wow. Wow. Wow. All right, now fucking live on stage! Hand her the microphone real quick. What's your name, sweetheart? My name's Tristan. Hi, Tristan. How are you? Great. You've been a fan of the show for a while? Yeah, yeah. Did you sign up for the show tonight? No. No? Just showed up and then just in case we needed a slut, you were here. Yeah.

Anything for the show. I love that, Tristan. Absolutely. You know what? Here's a big joke book. Can you catch? Oh, yeah. Tristan, everybody. Hand that microphone back to Brendan Mahaney there. Brendan, thank you for your service. Thank you for driving Jared Nathan, and thank you for your set here tonight. Here's one of these for you as well. There he goes, Brendan Mahaney. Thank you.

Thank you for your service, buddy. Great job, man. Very funny. Seriously, come on. One more time for fucking a great fucking hero defending the greatest country on planet Earth. Don't you ever fucking forget. Make some noise for America! America! My guy, my guy. There he goes. Brendan Mahaney. Get out of here, Brendan. All right. Now, we have something really special here, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, this week, while we're talking about the greatest country in the world, America, and the American dream, I gotta be honest with you, I am indeed having one of the best weeks of my life, coming back here to Los Angeles, California. And, you know, that Tom Brady roast was a fucking moment for me a week ago tonight. Yeah. And...

Something really, really cool happened at the Tom Brady roast. I got to make a lot of fucking new, awesome friends. And I got to work with the great Ron Burgundy. And, you know, he was just amazing. And I love him. But, you know, Ron Burgundy, I've never been, as you guys probably can tell from a lot of the hints when I'm talking about news from Texas. I'm not a big believer in the mainstream. I've always been more of a sports fan.

kind of guy, right? And my favorite anchorman honestly isn't Ron Burgundy. It's a sports anchorman. Ladies and gentlemen, here to do a minute for us, make some noise, his first time ever on the show, for Champ Kind! Gene Tennis at the plate, and

It's anchor man not anchor lady and that's a scientific fact. I will say one thing for her She does have a nice big old behind. I'd like to put some barbecue sauce on that thing and munch munch munch. Oh What do you say we go out on a date have some chicken maybe some sex and

You know, see what happens? That's not a line from the movie, ma'am. I'm asking you a direct question. I will smash your face into a car windshield and then ask your mother, Dorothy Williams, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again. Harlan's got a beautiful mother. Now, uh, Hinch, I call him Hinch. You know, Tony, old Hinch.

I got a hold of him on Craigslist today. I came down here to buy a dog. Now, Hinch, you know I left the broadcast game a couple years ago, and people say, "Champ, what are you up to?" Well, I'll tell you, I'm an auctioneer now. Last night, I was in Bakersfield trying to auction off a whole gaggle of cattle. Some people might call it a herd. I mix up different birds with animals. Anyway, listen, I had a rough night.

Some people say I had a nervous breakdown. I was out there going, "What am I bid? What am I bid? I've got a beautiful heifer right here. I need a hundred dollar bill. Dollar bidder, would you give? Would you get? Would you go?" My wife gave me divorce papers this very morning. She met a man at a Christian bingo. Now I am broken in half, broken in 125, now 50. Thank you very much, dollar bidder. No woman has touched me in two years. No man has touched me in three.

175, now 50. Who's ever seen a grown man cry, grown man cry, grown man cry? I'm high on Molly right now, Molly right now, Molly right now. Who screams at the faceless man in their dreams? Who screams at the faceless man in their dreams? Sometimes I sleep in the graveyard.

When I sleep there, I get hard, hard right now, hard right now, hard right now. $200 bill, now $25. Thank you very much, Dollar Better. Hey, Ms. Johnson, up front with those Tigo biddies, remember what we did, what we did when we were kids. While your sister looked on, and I promise I would never tell. $250, now $75. Thank you very much, Dollar Better. With so much drama in the LBC, it's kind of hard being Snoop D-O-double-G, but I somehow, someway keep coming on.

funky ass shit like every single day. May I kick a little something for the G's and make a few bits as I breeze through two in the morning. The party's still jumping because my mom ain't home. I got bitches in the living room getting it on and they are not leaving until six in the morning.

So what you gonna do? I got a pocket full of rubbers and Tony Hinchcliffe does too. God bless you. Wear me! Wear me! Wear me! Holy shit!

Make some more noise for Champkind, everybody! And then he dips! Oh my god, just murder and dip. Wow, that's my guy right there. He just pulled a little OJ Simpson. Double homicide in LA and then hit the fucking road. One more time for Champkind, everybody. The great David Koechner, davidkoechner.com. He's on tour.

A new favorite of the show was a guest just a few months ago. And like that, back to the bucket we go. You guys down for another bucket pull? You guys getting tired? You want to keep going? Okay. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Darby Cash, everybody. We're going to meet Darby Cash all together now. Darby Cash. Here comes Darby.

Make some noise for Darby everyone. I want to give you guys the one piece of relationship advice I used to tell my ex-girlfriend all the time. I used to tell her, "Drop the knife." Can you guess what ethnicity she was? Latina, yeah. Yeah. This was years ago, back when you could still say that kind of thing to a lady. You would look much prettier unarmed. I still say it to a female cop though. "Hello officer." You know, you look much prettier without that gun.

Take it real quick. Have a good old laugh about it. 'Cause I live in a real small, quiet town. Nothing really happens. Just a bunch of white ladies doing yoga. I remember the first time I invited a black guy over to my house. Yeah, he immediately ran over to my beta fish tank and he said, "What's up, little n-word?" Yeah, to the fish. That's a lucky guess 'cause I never told him his name. Thank you, guys.

Darby Cash. Hi. Hi, Darby. How are you? Good. How are you? Fantastic. How long have you been doing stand-up? I'm going to hit three years in July. Three years. Where at? L.A. mostly, but I.E., Inland Empire as well. Hey! Empire. Wow.

Empire sounds so much cooler than it is. It does sound a lot cooler. They're proud of it. Right, because he said Empire. From your time, from your time. You're from a small town, my guy. What's the name of the town? San Dimas. San Dimas. Oh.

Their high school football rules. There you go. Yeah. Wow. What do you do for work? Well, I take care of my grandfather, but I'm kind of in between stuff right now, so I'm working on my passion project. Waiting for an inheritance? I wish, man. There's not even an inheritance? No, there's not. No, they were very irresponsible. You're just a good guy. Yeah. You have a poor grandfather. Yeah, I mean, I don't like doing things for him. He's 87 years old. Wow.

Yeah. Do you ever sponge bath with him? No, no, no, no. I hate doing things for him, to be honest. I'm not a great caretaker. Yeah. Yeah. Tell us more about that. What are you bad at? What's some of the worst things you've ever done to your grandpa? No, I'm not. It's not. I don't do bad things to him. I just, I don't like making oatmeal, dude. That's the only thing. He likes the green apple kind, and I don't like that smell.

Uh oh, they're turning on you. There's a lot of Latinos here. They take care of all their family members until... Where my Latinos at? I feel like he's doing a good thing. Where my Dodger fans at? Where my Laker fans at? It's all the same people. Where my Clipper fans at? Oh shit. Where's my guy?

Wow, there's more My Guys than anything in the room. Absolutely incredible. My Guys and Clipper fans, that sucks. Darby Cash. Dude, I love the little will-o'-the-wisp on the back of your hair. Did you notice that? You got like a little, it's like a little like jet stream. How do you do that? It looks like you're always sprinting. Yeah. Yeah. It looks like your grandfather tried to keep you in the house a little longer. Like, stay with me. It looks like a giant farted in your face. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh yeah, dude, it felt like that with the wind, man, for sure. Stupid, dude. Oh my god, cool. Do you use gel or a fucking leaf blower? A little bit of both, a little bit of both. Darby, how old are you? 25, 26 next month. Oh, okay, yeah, that's how birthdays work.

Keep looping around. Yeah, so 25, in your entire life, what do you think is the most interesting thing about you or that you've ever done or that's happened to you or anything like that? Great question. Quarter century to draw from. That's one-fourth of a Harlan Williams lifespan. Well, one time I took DMT and then for some reason masturbated while high on DMT. I thought that was weird. Did you masturbate yourself or your grandfather? Which stiff?

Sorry? What was that? Which stiff? Which stiff? Your dick or your dead grandfather. Wait, so what was the experience like on DMT versus just normally whacking off behind a Dairy Queen? The orgasm didn't feel like anything, which was very weird to me. Like, I didn't feel... Maybe because you were jerking the guy beside you. Yeah, yeah. It gets tricky down there. It's happened to me many times. It's tricky out there.

It's tricky. What happened dude? Tell us about the experience so it didn't feel like you were doing anything? Well it did when I came because it went all over me and I felt that but I didn't feel- Oh you were doing it in front of the leaf blower? Yeah yeah. Right in the face? Yeah yeah. It went all over you. All over. It was a lot. I don't know if I was tripping. You packed a heavy load. That night I did yeah yeah. Must be nice. You're the only Bukkake over here huh? Wow.

- Wow. - Other than jerking off on DMT, anything else that's ever happened to you in your life? You seem like a guy that, you know, fixes his own scooter.

My gay uncle tried to groom me. He tried. It didn't work. Tell us about it. What was his trickery? Tell us about it. He just told me I was gay and living a lie all the time, dude, when I was eight. Yeah, they tried that. The old piano player at the comedy store used to always tell me, like, you're gay. You just have to come out. I'm like, no, dude, you're fucking gay. Right, that's what I told him, too, and he was gay. All right, you know what? Let's make out after the show.

we're gonna keep things moving along here I'm gonna give you a little joke book cause I ran out of big ones and you also didn't deserve a big one there he goes ladies and gentlemen Darby Cash we got through so many special guests so many bucket pulls I think there's only one place to go from here but you know what

I'm not going to introduce them. Why not bring up one of the most entertaining men on planet Earth just one more time? How about one more big hand for the great fucking Bruce Buffer, ladies and gentlemen? Yeah, this shit's about to go down, everybody. You could make more fucking noise than that, Los Angeles. Yes!

And now, to close the show, he is the record holder for all-time appearances on Kill Tony. He's also record holder for all-time interviews

kill Tony. He is a Hall of Famer that influenced the world and changed countless lives. A man who goes by many names. He is the Strangler, the Gorilla, the Ventura.

The Bakersfield Bulldog! The Hollywood Hop Digger! The Big Red Musket! William Lights and God Ray! ♪♪

How's it going, motherfuckin' laws? I feel weird admitting this, but when I was stuck in a grain elevator for six days, I saw a friend swallow a dick, and he never shit it out. I sold some coke to Superman, but I feel bad because I ended up cutting it with kryptonite. I started a new crypto coin. I won't tell you what I named it, but let's just say Superman refuses to be an investor.

There was a controversy this week when Taylor Swift released a new single entitled, "Let's Human Traffic My Neighbor's Foster Children." Joe Biden's so old he remembers watching TRL! You know who's loving these protests? P. Diddy. That dude probably starting protests at middle schools. Come on y'all, you know Israel over there bombing super creepy orgies for no damn reason!

Okay, that's my time. And yet again, add it to an unbeatable record. Another one minute, 15 seconds from William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Harlan Williams. When he walked out, I never thought I'd see the day when I saw Klingon doing river dance. Well, that's the life we live, man. Wow, I love that outfit, guy. Turn around, let's see the back.

There's actually a cape on it. Tony, I have some wonderful news. I'm actually the new band leader at a high school back in Memphis, Tennessee. I'm actually changing career paths. I'm going back to high school. I'm super excited. This is actually the uniform I made. So really excited, Tony. This is probably the last time I will be on Kill Tony. So it's been a really fun ride. I finally got it.

I finally got a fucking stop, okay? This high school is paying me a shit ton of money. Wait a second. I had to do this thing. You're really going to stop? Tony, it's horrible news. They're giving me health insurance and I've been getting the skin cancer. I have more skin cancer, Tony. This is pretty much a final hurrah for me. I'm not really doing good right now. I'm really out of breath. This thing is...

Tony, I have to stop. Look at the fans. Listen to what they're telling you. Everybody up top, look at them. They want you here. Now that you heard what these fans have to say, now are you going to stop? Well, I mean, it's like at 401k. No, I'm kidding. I ain't never going to stop!

But I can call in remote. They're letting me call in remote for the band director, so this does work out. Absolutely. Are you sure you're just not a baggage handler for American Airlines, dude?

I'm Alexander from American Airlines. Man, you've been scouting scary as shit this whole night, Harlan. Uh-oh, they're having a crazy off. I don't know who's going to win this one. Uh-oh.

All right, you win that fucking round. I didn't expect you to stop, Harlan. Not with what he just said at the end there. There was a moment this week. A few people speak Lorax, but what he just said, holy shit. It's a little fucked up. It was pretty bad. It was bad.

You won that one. Way to go, guy. Thank you. I'm going to let you suck the mucus from my white socks later tonight. Just a little fun fact is that this week, for the very first time in our 11-year history, Kill Tony for a few days was the number two audio podcast in the world.

That means people with headphones actually listen to the show. And I've just been informed after William and Harlan's back and forth dialogue, we're now at the bottom of the charts. We have reached lower than we've ever...

That is the sound of hundreds of thousands of people unsubscribing to our audio podcast right now. And we just lost all of our Chinese listenership. Wait, Tony, I have yellow fever real bad right now. What does that mean? It's when you fucks Bart Simpson.

That's right, yes. Is that from staying in the same house as Hans Kim? It is. We have actually set up some cameras in the bathroom. I'm not even kidding. We got a couple women in it last night. It got really nasty. We have this butthole shot in the shower. The camera's going up. But yeah, we've been having fun in there, Tony. But yeah, we set up three cameras in the bathroom, so...

I'm kidding. Too real. William, what do you think about what's sitting to my left over here? I have no idea what he's doing. Is this a thing you guys planned out? Oh, my God. I'm Peter Porker. Nice to meet you. Oh. Red Band, did you hear how that went? Yeah, I mean, you're a fucking idiot, dude. You're a fucking idiot to think that would be funny. Peter Porker in your dress. Oh, okay, Peter Parker.

Spider-Man. Okay, I get it. But Peter Parker didn't wear the mask. You're more like Piter-Man. All right, we're both bombing now. Thanks for dragging us down your dark web. I thought Porker worked a little better. It was pretty good. Yeah, I thought Porker worked a little better. Peter Parker? Spider-Ham. Spider-Ham's good. Spider-Ban. Spider-Ban. William looking out at the upper deck. What do you want to say to those people up in the balcony? Ruthie-O!

Okay, that wasn't a good one. How's your dog doing, William? You brought your dog all the way to Los Angeles. Yeah, she's doing so good. Your sweet little dog. Yes, I have this sweet little dog. She's here right now. She has one of her dresses on, and I just want to tell y'all that I got a sweet little dog yesterday. A little bit faster, William. Yesterday.

I got a sweet little dog yesterday. Yesterday. I got a sweet little dog yesterday. Yesterday. I got a sweet little dog. Thank you guys for coming out tonight. We did it again. One more time. Go.

Make some fucking noise for the great Adam Devine's first time on the show! Holland Williams! The best damn band in the land. Aphrodite on the national anthem. One more time for Bruce Buffer. Check out his podcast, It's Time. It's Time.

Buy merch. He just gave me a bottle of the best cologne I've ever gotten in my life. It's time cologne. One more time for your artists, Ryan J. Ebel and Chris Rogers. Here they come to show you what they made while you all sat there. Oh, dude, look at that. Enjoying yourselves. Yeah. Amazing. At Chris Rogers Art at Ryan J. Ebel. One more time for Nicole Tran, Casey Rockett, Sarah Weinshank, Martin Phillips,

Cam Patterson, Kim Condon, David Lucas, the great Bruce Buffer, and of course, William Montgomery, davidkechner.com. One more time for Champ Kind, everybody. What a show. What a show. How much fun, Red Band? Thanks, LA. We missed you so much. It's great being home, guys. It really has been an amazing blast. We might have to come back and do this more often. You guys come to the Staples Center next time? Yeah!

We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night. Thank you to all of our sponsors. And one more time for Adam Devine and Harlan Williams. Jetski Johnson. Joberg Jones.

Michael Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Dee Madness, Matt Muehling, and Daniel Mandelman. Another thank you to the great Yoni and Christy who make it all possible. Come out here, take a bow, Yoni. Wherever Christy is. Heidi, Valerie Vaughn, Cole, Monica, Bones Eye, Austin Security Guard Service,

Congrats to our bucket pool seven seven. Dave Anthony, Darby Cash, Brendan Mahaney, Owen Parker. Thank you to Anthony Giordano and the entire fucking crew. Thank you to the YouTube theater. The Netflix is a joke festival. Come visit us in Austin, Texas. Oh yeah, I forgot the...

for the HGV Center. We're doing that again on New Year's Eve. I forgot to write it down. I was supposed to talk to an awesome video reveal. You can watch it now. Cut to it. For those of you still watching the stream, oh there you go. Yep, it's happening. Keep playing music. It's good. You get the point. New Year's Eve, we're doing it

Come to Austin, Texas. Have the time of your life. See why we only come back every so often. I got a sweet little love for yesterday. Yesterday.

*music*

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.