#666 - POST MALONE + TIM DILLON + DR PHIL (ADAM RAY)
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Please rise for the singing of your national anthem by international music superstar and the best bass player in the world, Tom Wilkenfeld! Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light

What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight Over ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? The rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air Gave proof through the night

So you guys might witness history at some point.

It's a mob.

It's unbelievable. So when you said a Monday 8 o'clock podcast, I'm like, how can we use the natural resource of this building to our advantage? So I said, what if we give everybody one minute and see how it goes? Yeah, it's a growing podcast, guys. You never know what's going to go. It's so experimental, it's crazy. This whole thing can fucking explode at any given moment. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live! Jim Norton!

Dave Attell and David Spade. Roseanne Barr. Look at yours, who's ready to party? Get up!

This is the best goddamn show in the world. Amazing. It's so ridiculous that only a few hundred thousand people listen to every episode. Those jokes fell flatter than your chest.

- He's got a bigger chest than I do. - I know, well, so does his table. - Breaking the mold here on Kilt Tony. This is the first time we've ever had a fully grown Chucky doll perform. I'll send an Uber Black and an Uber XL because you're both of those things.

She's an absolute killer. She's one of our favorite people. It's Tiffany Haddish, everybody. Put your hands together for Adam Ray. Ladies and gentlemen, America's dad, former Comedy Store host of 10 years, Bob Saget. Brody Stevens, everybody.

Steven Brody Stevens. You got it. It's the great William Montgomery, everyone. Where the fuck is Tony Chin?

Michael Lehrer, everybody. Come on. David Lucas. William Montgomery. Malcolm Hatchett. Ellie McCoskey. Sarah Weinshank. Melissa Esslinger. Kimberly Congdon, everybody.

Hey, this is Redbeck coming to you live from the Kia Forum.

here in Los Angeles, California for a brand new episode of Kill Tony for Tony Hitchcock! For the best fucking night of their lives! Los Angeles, California. Make some noise for Bryan Redman, everybody! Oh shit.

We made it, we're back baby. First time in LA in over four years. The great Jetski Johnson joining the band. How about one more time for the entire damn best damn band in the land, ladies and gentlemen. The great and powerful Fernando Castillo on the horns. Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Daniel Mandelman joining on keys tonight. The great Jetski Johnson again, she's here live in the flesh. The mutilator, Mutation, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. And we told them we're doing Madison Square Garden tonight. It's D Madness on the bass everybody. My God, our first show in LA in over four years.

The last time we did a show in Los Angeles, of course, it was at the Comedy Store in the main room during the pandemic in front of zero audience members. And we streamed to the parking lot live in front of 16 people, all having to wear masks, separated 10 feet apart. And the city of Los Angeles... Yeah, I know.

How do you think we feel? We moved to fucking Texas. And on top of all that, the city of Los Angeles gave the Comedy Store a ticket that night for us doing a live show. But I don't see a fucking mask, and I don't see any people separated at all tonight.

Tonight's going to be an unbelievable fucking time. I'm so excited to be here with all of you. This is where for our YouTube show, we would go to a commercial break. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. Oh, s***. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.

Welcome to another round of Drawing Board or Miro Board. Today, we talk brainstorms with UX designer Brian. Let's go. First question. You thought you'd see everyone's idea in the team brainstorm, but you've got a grand total of one. Drawing Board or Miro Board? Drawing Board. In Miro, the team can add ideas now or later. And with privacy mode, we can keep them anonymous until they're good to share. Correct.

And

He's wild. For a limited time, visit Miro.com slash brainstorm now and get a free business plan trial to unlock even more brainstorming tools like private mode and voting. That's M-I-R-O dot com slash brainstorm now. We're going to get right fucking into it. You guys ready to meet your first guest tonight?

I present to you one of the greatest guests in Kill Tony history, one of the funniest men on planet Earth, and one of my best friends. This is Tim Dillon. Welcome, Tim. You guys want to meet your second guest?

The Rookie of the Year guest of 2023. A man so good at being a guest, he's only done it once, and there's an entire position in the show named after him. I present to you one of the funniest people I know, one of the greatest rock stars in the world. This is Post Malone! Post Malone!

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's fucking on. The classic Dean Madness fist bump. Posty, come over here. Come sit over here. How about one more time for Tim Dillon and Post Malone, everybody? Oh, yeah. We're gonna have fucking fun tonight. A lot of amazing things lined up, including random ass bucket pools. Hundreds of people signed up for the opportunity.

Tim Post, you've been guests on the show. You guys know how it works. If I pull somebody's name out of this crazy ass fucking very dense bucket tonight, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. They could literally become a star here tonight. There's no doubt about it. Anybody has an opportunity to become absolutely famous or embarrass the hell out of themselves.

This is an extra special edition of Kill Tony because all the executives and owners of Netflix are here. So literally, you could go... Oh, Netflix gets booed? Well, there's also executives from YouTube here. Oh, no, we're going to get in big trouble for this. You guys may have just fucked up a multi-million dollar deal for us. Thank you. They just shut off the lights right now.

They cut the whole fucking thing. You guys boo Netflix? What's wrong with you fucking evil fucks? All right, all right, all right. Also, there's some executives from Hulu here tonight. There's executives from Amazon Prime here. There you go. That's going to make the Netflix people much happier knowing that you hate Amazon and Hulu more than them. So good. You guys fucking love YouTube, huh? Oh my God, what is happening in the world?

So something in the industry is changing, ladies and gentlemen. We are watching it live. So they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out who is live. He's from here. He's here. It is the Angry West Hollywood Bear, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. Oh, my gosh. Wow. Dad.

Heath Cordes has joined the fray, ladies and gentlemen, defending the stage tonight from people that try to go over their time. He is a little baby bear. He is a sweet little fucking thing. How adorable is that? I bought that costume off Amazon Prime three days ago. Yeah, and they go by ages. They don't go by sizes, and I picked 10 to 11, and it fits like a fucking glove. LAUGHTER

He looks like something P. Diddy ordered on Postmates. Let's fucking go. So, fucking, there's only one way to start a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to make sure that the pool...

Okay, yeah, we're gonna have to wrangle that person. No, let's wrangle that person. And to start the show, getting a little bit more stage than he usually has to work with, ladies and gentlemen.

An absolute superstar of mass proportions. He was introduced, of course, after Hans vs. Rick Part 1 to be the temporary opener of the show. And he's grabbed the world by the balls here with a brand new minute. Getting it all started. Make some goddamn noise for Austin, Texas' own KC Rocket! KC Rocket!

♪ 'Cause I'm wanted dead or alive ♪ Yeah! Last time I did ketamine was recently. And, uh... Whoops. And, uh... Ketamine fits my active lifestyle. And by active lifestyle, I mean, oh, shit! Uh...

This is a true story. Me and my friend were on ketamine and a couple years... It's not a relapse if it's ketamine. And we had... That's in the Bible. We had each other by the shoulders and we were rocking in perfect synchronicity. This is true. We were staring each other in the eyes and we were praying as fast as we could. And I don't know if you've ever prayed on ketamine, but...

Those had to have been some fucking confusing prayers. Just, dear Lord, please make me big and small at the same time, sweet Lord. Please give me a waterbed full of whole milk, sweet God. Just, I always picture God in heaven watching all the prayers go by. And he's like, what was that fucking last one? He's like, should we OD these guys? He's like, good luck. All right, thank you. I'm Casey Rockett. Thank you. Wow.

The one and the only Casey Rockett. Thank you. How do you feel right now, Casey? I feel beautiful. I feel beautiful. Thank you. This is an unbelievable look tonight. Did you break into Rod Stewart's closet or something? I was thinking Kmart Jim Morrison. It doesn't look as good as I thought it was going to look. I'll be completely honest with you.

But it looks kind of good. I haven't had this much fun since me and Nikki Sixx burned down that food bank. This is one of the best nights of my life. This is amazing. What are the differences for a guy like you performing here compared to the usually very tight stage of the mothership? Thank you for asking, Tony. Come on now.

Some folks are born mad to wave the flag. All right. You're just having fun tonight. Just being a little bastard. I don't know. It's more room, more people, more room to express myself. I want to thank everybody at Netflix for letting me be here tonight. Wait, wait, wait. No, it wasn't. They did not book you.

They didn't book. It was me that booked you, Casey. It wasn't Netflix. I missed that part. Okay. Now I'm mad at Netflix. How dare they take credit for this? They have a frozen yogurt machine for us in the back. It's good. So, Casey, what else is going on? You've been to Los Angeles before? A couple times. This is my third time in L.A. Thank you.

Yeah, this is fun. This is a fun city. I went to the place that's like a train and serves hot dogs today. Carnies. Carnies. Train hot dog. Yeah. Spending time with loved ones, making new friends, and watching Netflix on my tablet. Okay. There you go. Stop booing Netflix now. I will turn out. I swear. I will.

Fuck you guys. This is the weirdest show ever where people just love pissing off the host. I don't know how it turned into this over 11 years. All I do is give and give and give to you ungrateful fucks. Casey Rocket. How was your travel? Did you have a good seat on the airplane? How does a guy like you, anything weird? You're normally, do you do any tuss?

Yeah, when you do, it's the opposite of getting, like how they serve you alcohol in first class. If you sit at the very, very back, they give you a bottle of Tuss. So it's actually pretty cool. It was me, it was Heath in the bear costume, and we shared a bottle of Tuss and...

We body boxed the plane ride from hell, like Brock Lesnar, so it was pretty fun. I fucking love it, Casey. I love your energy. I love your fucking style, your swagger, everything. You've done it yet again. We absolutely love you. Way to get the show started. Is there anything else that you want to... Are you taking suggestions from the audience? Could you sing a Doors song? Would you sing a Doors song for us right now? Doors song? Okay.

The best damn band in the land on the ones and twos. Casey Rockett!

And like that, the show has begun. One more time for KC Rocket, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. There he goes. The Rocket Man himself. And like that, the show has begun. In our first bucket pool, we had to pre-pool and wrangle him from section G, row 20, seat 7. And now he's on the stage representing the audience. Oh!

Well, well, well. It is indeed the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. Look at all the furious liberal women in the audience right now. Bunch of chicks with multicolored hair and angry faces out there right now.

Alright, everybody, your first bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Sean McAbrey. We're gonna meet him all together, 60 seconds uninterrupted. Sean McCobb. So I think there's a direct correlation between girls that own cats and have a stinky vagina. It's because they never clean their box as often as they should, obviously. I was actually tattooing this stripper's asshole.

And she got a pentagram around it and that shit was wafting at me. And I don't know if you've ever walked by a dumpster and been like, there's definitely something dead inside there. But that was what I smelled. And then to top it off, she queefed in my face. That was pretty rude. But yeah, so it didn't stop me from dating her for a few months, though. You know, you got to get in where you fit in, you know.

Yeah, that wasn't the first time. A couple other times I tattooed assholes. One was a spider crawling out and the other girl got a rose around it. Thank you. Okay, Sean McCobb. How do you say that? McCobb. McCobb. Post Malone was right. Fuck yeah. What's up, Post? What's up, Tim? What's up, brother? Can't believe Post Malone reads better than I do.

Fucking, you're just full of surprises, dude. Thank you for correcting him. Absolutely incredible. Post, you look like you've tattooed a few assholes in your day. This seems like you're kind of comedian here. How many times have you done stand-up? This is my first time. First time ever. There you go. Ever. Who the hell makes their comedy debut at the LA Forum? It's fucking crazy. A guy that tattoos women with smelly pussies.

Absolutely. I wonder if she's here. So, Sean, is that all the material that you prepared? Yeah, basically. Is stand-up something that you've always wanted to do? Yeah, it's something I've been, since I've been watching the show for the last couple years, yeah. And you give tattoos. I've signed up four other times. In Austin? Yep. And you give tattoos for a living? I do, for 18 years now. Okay. And you're doing comedy because Avenged Sevenfold didn't work out?

It's not the first time I've heard that one. Yeah, basically. If that's not the first time you've heard that, you should change something about yourself. True. So, Sean, I mean, you must have seen a lot in these years of tattooing. What else are you into? What else do you have going on in your life? Like, what other hobbies and things do you have?

Well, shit, dude. I make comic books. I fucking... I paint. I do live art at raves. I've been tattooing forever, yeah. Wow. How long have you been on fentanyl? I mean, never tried it that I know of. I'm sure it's probably getting slipped in there a few times. Absolutely. Absolutely. Do you just tattoo assholes or you'll do any area of the body? I mean... I mean, you want one, Tim? I want Amy Schumer on my asshole. Let's do it. Can we do it? It won't take much work, yeah.

You said you did comic books, too. I'd imagine a whole entire tome out of asshole skin with just beautiful drawings. Thank you, sir. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Oh, that's what he needs. More bad tattoos. It's just pictures of assholes with spiders. It's not a comic book at all. Is it a scratch and sniff? Does it smell like a bad pussy? I will be using it tonight, but I haven't...

No, that's your finger that smells like a bad pussy. So, Sean, what else? What type of childhood did you have to where you end up going to raves and tattooing people for an entire lifetime? I mean, not too bad. I lived in France for a year. Fucking, I mean, not too bad of a childhood. My parents split up. Yeah, we know. Yeah, what kind of brag is that?

I lived in France for a year. I mean, you're right. It was shitty. Okay. I mean, not too bad, actually. It's been all right. It's been all right. Craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life. You're in the interview part of Kill Tony. You've been watching the show for years. You may have planned for the minute. Did you plan for this? Not entirely. Wow. Not entirely. Your soul is over there. It just answered the question.

Absolutely incredible. No, but, let's see, I've fucking been skydiving, fucking... You ever done that, Tony? Did the parachute unfortunately work? Unfortunately, it fucking worked. Unfortunately, it unfolded, but it almost didn't. We had to shimmy it open. And to answer your question, no, I have never skydived. However, I have strapped a man to my own back before. Okay. Sean, what's your love life like? It's pretty crazy, man. I mean... Wow, sounds like it.

I mean, which night are you talking about? What's the craziest thing you've ever done sexually? I mean, probably a threesome, two black chicks. Whoa, two black chicks. The old Oreo cookie. Exactly. That's what I called it. Absolutely. Unbelievable. How did you end up with two black chicks? I tattooed one of them and...

I tattooed one of them and then they saw me walking down the street and I heard them go, let's fuck them. I was like, all right. That's it. One in the ink, two in the stink. Tattoo for one. Basically. Unbelievable. Is there something that you prefer about black women over white women? Their pussy's warmer. Wow. Incredible. That is absolutely true. Everybody knows that is a scientific fact.

I get all of my science from tattoo artists and Joe Rogan, so I'm basically a genius. Sean, congratulations, your very first time on a stand-up comedy stage live at the LA Forum. And I got to tell you, in a room this big, the small joke book seems so much smaller. Sean, don't shake people's hands. Don't put people through that. There he goes, Sean, everybody. God damn it.

Producers, tell people not to shake people's hands afterwards. All right. Wow. Unbelievable. I think the biggest takeaway from that interview is that Tony can't fucking read. Macabre is a weird word. M-A-C-A-B-R-E? Macabre? McCabre? Why would the R and the E be silent? Anyway. Ladies and gentlemen, this can't be real, but I'm going to read it anyway.

Ladies and gentlemen, okay. What the fuck is going on over here? Okay. Hands on your knees. Okay. They spelled the X wrong. Okay. Thank you. All right. Good try. Good try. All right. This can't be real. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for RFK Jr.,

This can't possibly be my favorite presidential candidate in the world. Oh my God, it is! Make some fucking noise for RFK Jr. 60 seconds uninterrupted starting now for RFK Jr. I'm not a stand-up comic, but I wanted to see if I had an aptitude for it.

But there's a lot of angry comics back out back in the green room because they said, "If I come out here and I get a laugh, I'm going to wreck it for William Montgomery." I don't know who William Montgomery is. My family, as it turns out, loves William Montgomery too. They can't explain why they like William Montgomery. They just say, "Well, he's been around a long, long time and he's not you."

And if you go out there and you're funnier than William Montgomery, you're going to be a spoiler and you're going to wreck it for him. And I feel like I'm okay coming out here and talking about William Montgomery. I said to them, I just want to go out there and say hi to people. And they said, that's too much. Anyway, I didn't really come prepared to tell the jokes. I...

My brain worm wrote some jokes for me. He's very funny. He's got a lot of information. This is where I get most of my facts. A lot of his stuff is conspiracy theories. Oh, you have to filter that out. But he's funny. Oh, there were two leprechauns and they were knee-walking drunk. They were so drunk that they couldn't... Give me a minute.

Let's not do... Let's... Make some noise for Cheryl Hines, everybody! Come on! I think that's a minute. And maybe we don't do accents right now. You have to quit while you're ahead. I'm not gonna quit! That was fucking awesome. How about a hand for RFK Jr. and Cheryl Hines, huh? How cool is this?

Cheryl, welcome. How's life going post-curb right now? It's very relaxing. Just brain worms and presidential candidacies. Brain worms. I wake up to all kinds of things. For those of you that don't know, they found... How do you describe it? For those of you that might not know, there was a worm in his brain? We'll say yes. There was a worm in his brain. But it died.

And it's more common than you think. Wow. Sounds like Dune. Yeah. It sounds like Dune. Tony, this show has done more for disabled people than the state of California. RFK Jr., such an honor to have you here, for you to fucking flex having a sense of humor in front of the best comedy fans on planet Earth.

It is a fucking pleasure to know that we have the possibility of having this man as the next president of the United States, everybody. We're going to give him the damn kill Tony bump. Isn't that right, people? All right, let's keep it moving. Another bucket pull. Straight out of the bucket. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise.

Make some noise for Jay Frunk, everybody. Jay Frunk getting 60 seconds uninterrupted. We're going to meet him all together. Jay Frunk. Oh, it's bucket pool number two. Hooty hoo gang. Gang violence. Gang violence. Oh, snap. Okay. Damn. Sorry, RFK Jr. I hope you don't follow in your forefather's footsteps there. But yeah. Yeah, my bad. My bad.

Choo-choo-choo-choo. So, um, I'm kind of new to L.A. I met my first Satanist here. Is anybody a... Nobody's a Satanist, right? Hopefully not. Yeah, they had, like, tattoos everywhere and piercings and shit like that. But, um, one thing I noticed is that they made Jesus into a midget. It's like, what? Pause. Oh, snap. Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Dang, that's crazy, that's crazy, that's crazy, that's crazy. Ha ha.

Well, I did have a contingency, if nothing else. I have nothing else. I have a list of roasts. Wow. All right. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. Jay Frunk. Boy, oh boy. Wow. Coming out. I'm sorry, Posty. David Jolly. I saw you in Dallas. I love you. Whoa, whoa, wait. Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay. Don't ruin the show more than you already have. Just focus on this point.

Jay Frunk coming out and saying both Cam Patterson and David Jolly's catchphrase to start your set. And then a joke about forefathers, which I'm guessing is four more fathers than you have in your life. And then continuous bomb, bomb, bomb. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Number one. This is your first time ever? Yes, sir. Wow. How many do you think he should retire now while he's ahead?

Jay Fronk, anything interesting about your life that you didn't talk about that you might find... Anything I didn't talk about? Anything interesting about your life that you didn't talk about in the minute? I'm an engineer. I'm a musician. You know, it's my birthday today. Happy birthday. Okay. You know what?

You know what I'm going to do since it's your birthday? I'm going to give you a little joke book and get you out of here. Okay. There he is, Jay Fronk, everybody, making his Kill Tony debut. An unbelievably compelling two-minute interview. Well, that was good. What was good? Well... What the fuck? You guys are a little too positive. You got to be mean when they suck. You know what I'm going to do?

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give a set to literally one of the greatest legends in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you here to do a set. Make some noise for the 2023 Guest of the Year, Dr. Phil! Thank you.

Los Angeles make some motherfucking noise if you're excited to be alive tonight Holy shit Holy shit woulda not huh? Look at these titties coming down the second row. Good to see you guys Little winded. I'm just here to take a shit and I'll get out of here one more time for Aaron bile Sorry RFK

Got some roast jokes. You guys mind if I do a quick set real quick just to kind of fire up the room? Prepared a couple statements. Casey Rocket is here. Casey Rocket looks like he blows his nose with his hands. It's pretty funny because it's true. Casey Rocket looks like if a mothball came to life. I like that one. Casey looks like his whole set he's trying to escape a crocodile for some fucking reason. Always want to know what a clown looked like under the face paint. We got it.

Casey looks like a... Casey looks like a Where Are They Now of Nickelodeon molestations. That's one you can laugh at at dinner and at breakfast. That's what we call a twofer. What else? Cam Patterson. Cam Patterson has the posture of a stepdad. The belly in, the shoulders. The shoulders back, the belly out. All right, thought that was funny in my head, so I said it. Cam looks like P. Diddy's pool boy. That's a good one. That's...

Give it up for Diddy. He's somewhere. Cam's a great storyteller. Or as the court calls it, perjury. That's funny. Cam's mom accidentally got pregnant during the movie Friday After Next. That's why she calls him Mike Oops. That's a play on words. The actor Mike Epps. Shout out. William Montgomery's here. Give it up for William Montgomery, huh? What a fucking legend and a gangster. You know, William looks like he puts peanut butter on the dog's dick and then licks it off. That's how... Hey.

It's Tuesday somewhere, right? That's what she said. William looks like he should be on a Confederate coin. You know, William looks like he sits down to pee but stands up to poop, but I've done that, so... Hey, no judgment, player. Just recognizing the game. What's up, Dad? David Lucas is here. David, uh, David... Yeah. Oh, we don't know if he's here. All right, well, I saw a food truck out front, so I assumed... Good save, good save. Thanks, Tony.

You know, David looks like he should be OZM picking cotton, but I wrote that. I'll just wait for the laughter. David has 100% chance of dying on Rocky Road. The ice cream or police brutality. Either way, it's going to be kind of one of those roll the dice. We'll be right back. That's an impression of David's. Yeah, come on. We'll be right back is one of my favorite phrases. It's also an impression of David's feet before diabetes takes them.

We'll keep her right here. That's one of my other favorite phrases. You probably heard me say, we'll keep her right here. We'll keep her right here. That's also my impression of David when a waiter tries to take away his dessert. You know, he just wants to leave it where it is, player. David's got a forehead like Roger from American Dad. I'm sorry, that's probably triggering since you never saw yours. What else we got here? Hans Kim is here. Give it up for Hans Kim, the great Hans Kim. You can do better than that. Let's go. Hans Kim can hear you.

Hans Kim, you know, Hans looks like the second coolest kid on the math team. Why does Hans look like he bows after he comes? Is that just me? Yeah, Hans is so retarded he'd have to compete in the special squid games. That was funny in my head. You can use that at a party in front of your family. You know, this battle between Hans and Rick, it's gotten so vicious. I haven't seen this much bad blood in the forum since Magic Johnson's last game, but that's a joke. Yeah, we're doing okay so far. Speed this up.

Rick is here. Keep it going for Rick Diaz, huh? Rick's here. Rick, are you guys booing for Netflix or Rick? Rick is here. You know, Rick is, you know, Rick versus Hans. This looks like a fight in a cancer ward. It's Incel versus Cancel. Rick, you look like the star of a cartoon called Bob's Asperger's. Rick is from Spain, so can you Spain to me where the fuck your chin went? What else we got? We got Red Band. Keep it going for Brian Red Band over here.

It's a fucking living legend. Brian Redband in the house, newly engaged. He's off the market. Redband is, you know, Redband is... Redband, you sound like the voice behind the camera on every casting couch porn. Redband is so creepy, he's not even allowed within 50 yards of his inner child. That's funny. We got Tony Hinchcliffe. Let's go kill Tony's own. Tony Hinchcliffe is here. The man of the hour, baby. The man who put this all motherfucking show together. Tony motherfucking Hinchcliffe. I'm a big fan.

I'm a big fan. I've been watching you from afar, even though you're dressed like an agent for e-gamers. You know, Tony killed on the Tom Brady roast. Did you see Tony on the Tom Brady roast? Fucking destroyed. He fucking destroyed. He made Brady his bitch. He came out gums a-blazin', and he just destroyed. No, Tony is maybe one of the quickest minds I've ever seen. One more time for Tony Hinchcliffe. This guy...

I met him 25 years ago and he hasn't stopped bringing it. He does look like he runs an ice cream parlor on Epstein Island, but he's one of the funniest guys that I've ever met. I think that's it. All right, that's it out of me. That's all my time. That's all I got for you. Dr. Phil, I got to tell you, you're the guest of the year 2023. How many of you think Dr. Phil should stay on the show panel? Come on in, Dr. Phil. We got one more seat.

We got an extra seat and an extra microphone. You can thank Snoop Dogg for taking a jet to New York last night for some reason. But the only thing better than fucking Snoop, Dr. Phil, ladies and gentlemen, live in the flesh. We're going to get it on. Tony, White Snoop is actually my Xbox screen name. So this works out perfect.

I fucking love it. Dr. Phil is with us for the rest of the show, ladies and gentlemen. And you know what? I think we should keep this lovely momentum going since both of the bucket pools tonight were first timers. You guys want to see another Kill Tony legend right now? I present to you a golden ticket winner, everybody. He was mentioned during Dr. Phil's set.

and he's a fucking legend of the show. Months after making his Kill Tony debut, the people at America's Got Talent found him on Kill Tony, and he made it all the way to the finals. I present to you the great and powerful Aaron Belial! Here he comes, everyone. Make some fucking noise from Toronto, Canada. His first time at the LA Forum.

Aaron Belial getting the setup going. One more time for Aaron Belial everybody. Before I started performing I was the only mute person I knew. But now I've got all these fucking mute people coming to my shows. Every time they laugh it sounds like mating season in the Arctic. I've been forced to demand all wheelchair ramps be removed from my shows. I don't need any more walrus fuck sounds from the darkness.

Boom!

Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen, coming out, guns a-blazing, attacking handicapped people throughout his entire set. What a heel turn this is. What a twist. That's a bigger twist than your wrist. Yeah, you sponsored by Nike with that swoosh? What's going on? Oh, here it comes. He's tapping. I'm scared. Dr. Phil is the only doctor I don't need to see. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

World's weirdest fist bump just went down, everybody. I don't know if you saw it. Dr. Phil with a sideways high five and Aaron Belial with an upside down hook shot. I thought Dr. Phil was Tim Dillon's husband. Well, might be by the end of the night. Aaron, how's things going? How are your travels? How's life? You look fucking fantastic from the neck up. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I've been practicing impressions. Want to see some? Hell yeah, dude. This is my impression of Joe Biden doing a speech. I tried figuring out how to do a Donald Trump impression, but even I'm not that retarded. I've been practicing my impression of you, and I think I've perfected it. Oh, no. Here we go. You son of a bitch. Dr. Phil, sit the fuck down.

Sounded just like you, Tony. You son of a bitch. Why would you say that about me? I do not even sound like that. What else you got, Aaron? What else you got up your phone sleeve? Yes, you do. I fucking love it. I talk with a phone. I need you to lead me into the next bit. Ask me about sex. I know you're hard thinking about it. Yes, absolutely.

How's your sex life going, Aaron? People keep asking me how I have sex. Well, it used to be really hard with one arm and one short leg, but my life changed in a shopping mall when I saw Crocs with a three-inch platform lift. Sex is so much better, doggy style, in my Crocs. I'll second that. It's true. He does fuck a lot of people call him Crocter Phil. I call it crocky style. I call it crocky style. Callback.

I don't think I ever want to see you do that again. Okay, I was wrong. That was funny. Second time's a charm. Ooh.

I love it. Are you wearing them around LA? Have you been, uh, you go to the beach at all? You gonna go for, go swimming in circles or something like that? You son of a bitch. I flew him last night. Yeah, he looks like, looks like you got one wing down. You son of a bitch. Tony only has sex with women in wheelchairs because it's easy to push their unconscious bodies out of his apartment. Whoop, whoop.

Too soon. Too soon. Wow. Aaron just starting rumors. I don't know where. Thank you, Aaron. I'm going to be the first retarded guy to get me-tuned now. This is great. I love it. Oh, you like that one, huh? Look at you, just having the time of your life over there. Look who's just thriving, everybody. Look at this guy. I love it. What else is going on? Anything else? Yeah, he's killing. He's doing it. Aaron Belisle, Toronto, Canada.

You're a US citizen now, you didn't mention that. Yeah. Can anybody guess which son of a bitch signed his papers for him? You ungrateful fucking crooked bastard. Hey Tim, it's so great to see you. Thank you so much for signing my visa. It looks like you lost some weight. The visa's not free. Oh shit. I think he's gonna suck your dick. Yeah.

Dr. Phil's gonna referee the dick sucking it appears. I don't know what to say. Aaron, anything else? I'm gonna be at Skyline in Appleton at the end of May, and then my Ohio run got rescheduled to June, so I'll be in Columbus and Cincinnati and more. I'm still adding dates, and I'll be everywhere, so follow me on socials and check out mutecomedian.com. I have merch. If you get confused about which handicapped guy is me, I'm the one who doesn't talk like he's masturbating with the hand in his pocket.

Jesus. You have more plugs than your Bluetooth. All right, longest interviewer ever for a guy that can't talk. Here he is. What else, Aaron? Hi. If you get confused about which handicapped guy is me, I'm the one who doesn't talk like he's masturbating with the hand in his pocket. All right. Just one more insult to other handicapped people on his way out.

Erin Belial, ladies and gentlemen, golden ticket winner, reigning, defending, always on fire. And we keep it moving along to the next bucket pool. Another bucket pool. We got to keep the bucket pool girls flying up here a little bit faster. This is our third bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to give another person a shot here. Oh my goodness. What a life we live.

I swear to God, if these girls were in a wheelchair and unconscious, the things I would do to them. All right, from section 114, row 12, seat 5, make some noise for John Luna, everybody. John Luna. We're going to meet him all together now. Okay. There he is. John Luna, everybody. What up? Holy shit. What the fuck? Okay.

Thank you. I'm a big guy. I've always been a big guy. When I was four months old, I was 28 pounds. My mom should be in jail, dude. That's horrible. I think she was breastfeeding me horchata. I feel like that's the only way that could have happened. I'm Mexican, but I grew up around a lot of white people. I'm Mexican like the song Feliz Navidad. From afar, it seems very Latino. Then you get close and you're like, this is all in English, actually. Yeah.

Seems like they should have studied more in school. Seems like the only two Spanish words they know are "feliz navidad." I do want to be more Mexican, though. Like, I want to lean into it. I want to be like a cholo, you know? I want to get a teardrop tattoo. But I'll get the one that's not filled in. If you don't know, that means you tried to kill someone and you failed. Which will be fine as long as no one finds out it was myself, you know? Is that good? -Okay, thank you. -All right, John Luna. I would venture to say best bucket poll of the night so far.

How long have you been doing stand-up, John? Sorry? How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like four and a half years. Four and a half years. Yeah. I was on when I was in the main room in 2019. Okay. All right. Welcome back, John. Too excited. Absolutely. Do you always fake fall on your way up to the stage? No, I thought it'd be fun here. I've done it before.

Okay. One time I broke a window. Wow, when you lift your arm up like that, your stomach ass hangs out. Yeah, that's a butthole. Oh, shit. And you're bleeding. I'm going to take you shopping after the show. I would love that. Absolutely, for sure. I want a straw in your elbow. Like, I want to snort cocaine off your elbow. Okay.

Red Band noticing something that only you can notice from his seat. But you do have unbelievably flaky elbows. What is that? It's psoriasis. Skin disease. Who's got psoriasis? Who's got severe plaque psoriasis? Where are my psoriasis? Wow, look at that. Give it up for Sky Rizzy.

Okay. When you move fast, it's like LeBron before he starts a basketball game. -It's baby powder. -Just get a long-sleeve shirt.

Okay. It's a warm day. Oh, yeah. Okay. If it's a certain temperature, you just go around grossing out everybody? Okay. You need longer sleeves and a longer shirt, and you need to tuck it in, and you need... There's so much you need. It's unbelievable. We should almost give you like a... I wish we had a... We should have had a makeover thing ready for this show. Okay.

This is absolutely incredible. What's your love life like looking like that? Okay. Open up. Open up. Take your time. I don't know. It's all right. I don't know. It's kind of hard to bring girls back because, like, I live with my mom, so it's kind of hard. Yeah, and you got bloody fucking elbows all the time, you know? Yeah. My mom's, like, a single mom, and I'm, like, an only child on her side, so her house looks like a sports memorabilia store dedicated to, like, me and Jesus Christ, you know? That's kind of the vibe. Yeah.

John, let me ask you this. How old are you? 27. 27. What do you do for work? I don't have a job right now. I got fired. Where'd you get fired from? Dave and Buster's. I was doing like podcasts, producing and editing for a streaming service I wouldn't like to name at this moment. No. No.

Okay. Why did you get fired? I was like... So I was on a... Is there blood dripping out of your elbow? Is it dripping on the floor? Yeah. Yeah, you got to go. Goodbye, John. There he goes, everybody. There goes John Luna, everyone. No, it's over. You're not dripping blood on the floor. That's fucking absolutely disgusting. You did great, though. The lesson is don't fake fall anymore, everyone. There he goes, John Luna. Here's a little joke bug.

Sorry to make an awkward ending, but that's fucking disgusting. Tony, that was the little boy on the back of the milk carton who was missing, grown all up. So much fun we're having here. Oh, my God, wait a second. Wait a second. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen... Make some goddamn noise for my big brother, Ari Shaffir, here at the Kia Forum...

This crowd is on their feet. Ari motherfucking Shafir. A-Legend, New York Legend, Comedy Store Legend, Kill Tony Legend. How lucky are we that there is no basketball game going on right now in May? What a fucking ordeal we have here. This is very Southern California. We got a fucking TV doctor, an Englewood crackhead, and a fat faggot.

Dr. Phil, they told me you needed your phone. You can have it. It's so warm. Oh, my mom called. I felt that. I did feel her call. It's a long way from the bathroom, buddy. Thank you, Ari. I just have one thing to say. He has risen. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Unbelievable. He's helicoptering his dick. It's the saddest helicopter involving Kobe Bryant I've ever heard of. You definitely can't see that on Netflix. For those of you watching the blurred version on YouTube four weeks later, congrats on saving $35.

It's actually a good technique because no one would want to block you. Yeah, he had no problem getting through security. I'm just talking about hitting the glass, man. Just punching the hole, man. Getting in there. One more time for the great Ari Shaffir, ladies and gentlemen.

Dr. Phil wiping down his phone. How Ari was able to keep that in his little ass is unbelievable. There's like a guy with his son in the front row just watching. Loving it. They love it. It's great. Welcome to Los Angeles, ladies and gentlemen. And this crowd went wild. Proof that Kill Tony fans have the most diabolical sense of humor on planet Earth. Got to see his matzo balls and the sauerkraut.

You know, we got momentum right now. We're cooking with fire. So I'd like to bring up one of the most prolific regulars in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him, you love him. The icon. Make some noise for Cam Patterson. What's up? I got some big news, dawg. I'm having a kid. Nigga, dawg!

Since he died! We- my man! Okay, wait, wait. I shouldn't say murder. Murder is a bad word. We finna obliterate nigga, dog! Baby, man! I'ma tell you some real shit. My homeboy been tellin' me like, "Cam, you can't kill a baby. You live in Texas." But I'm a criminal, so it don't matter.

I've been a criminal for a long time now. Fuck that baby. The worst thing I think about though is that she waiting too long to have the abortion so the baby is kind of like sitting in her stomach and they come in like one and I feel like the baby talking to her like, "Hey please, please mom don't kill me." I might be like a lawyer or a doctor or something and when she goes to sleep I whisper in her ear like, "Don't listen to that nigga. He's a liar just like his father."

And I can tell you something, Tony. I'm never going to have this problem again because I found this new invention. They call condoms. Cam Patterson, a minute 30, two minutes and 10 seconds on set. If you count the applause break at the top of the set, these people love you, Cam Patterson. I love y'all, man. It's a shame none of them will ever get to meet your baby. Yeah, fuck that nigga. He dead. Yeah.

So is this true? You got a girl pregnant and you had the abortion? Yeah, it's over now. It's over. Yeah. What was that? That was crazy. Don't do that. That's fucked up. What was that process like for you? It was grueling. It was long. I didn't really do shit. Uh...

I just talked to her. She wanted to kill it too, so it was cool. You feel what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Did you pay for it? Yeah, I paid for it. Did you use a coupon or just cash? I wish I could have got one, bitch. I'll tell you that much. I'll tell you that much right here. Come on, man. Yeah, we'll keep her right here. Now, where did you get the abortion act? I went back home, man.

You went back home to Florida. You see the family and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the baby obviously conceived in Texas. Huh? You got her pregnant in Texas. Legally, no. Legally, I got her pregnant in Florida. So you got her pregnant in Florida, flew her to Texas, and then flew back to Florida. Yes. Well... Touchdown, brother. That is correct.

Oh my God, this is incredible. Do you know how long the baby was in the womb for? I don't want to know. I don't ask no questions like that. A lot of people look upset at me right now. Oh my goodness. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Do you know if it was a boy or a girl? I don't make girls. I'm like China, nigga. Wait, you're like China? China don't have girls, right? Oh, wow.

They have to. Right? Am I wrong? Yeah, they got girls, Cam. That's how they make them. I mean, no, I mean like they don't want to. Right? Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you, random white man in the front row. Kill yourself. Who was that old nigga that was up here earlier? The old white man that ain't talk real well. RFK. That's the great RFK Jr. He's like our MLK Jr. No, he's not.

No, the fuck he's not. Red Band, what the fuck, man? Jesus. This show is out of control. We'll be right back. Now, Dr. Phil, you know, we're here talking about abortion. What are your thoughts, Dr. Phil? Well, I support a black man's right to choose. Pfft.

But, you know, those questions were getting pretty sad, Tony. You were like, what was your, you know, fetus's favorite color and shit? I don't know. It was getting real depressing. But, you know, I don't know. You'll find the right time to be a dad. Did you have a name picked out? How about that? Hell no. Dead baby. Dead baby. Okay. Stop doing that, man. DB. So he could be a rapper. All right. I like that one.

It's a toilet. I got my hands on the soundboard, everybody. Oh, shit. Too much fun. Can I ask a question? Yeah, absolutely. Is there like a, did you look up positions that are best to like, you know, like if you did want, like people say like, you know, on top gets you maybe a boy, but reverse cowgirl gets you something else. Like, did you look up positions?

I don't know what I'm trying to fucking ask right now, Cam, but... What the fuck are we talking about? What's your favorite position to flip? I like to fuck a bitch from the back until I touch her toes. Okay. My hands and my knees. They touch their toes. Yeah, so you know what I'm saying? You know I'm talking about Post, right? Yeah. Come on, man. Hell yeah. Post has had so many abortions, they have a banner for him at the forum hanging from the top. Just...

There it is. We lowered the banner. You can't see, but we lowered a banner for you. Unbelievable. Cam, what else is going on? You're in Los Angeles. You're thriving. Sold out shows everywhere you go. Hell yeah. I mean, just trying to keep working, you know what I'm saying? Just keep going, you feel me? Yep. Nothing too much. What you said, bitch? Oh, someone's going to be touching their toes later. Fuck.

Yeah, what did they say? What'd you say, bitch? Yeah, what did you say? Speak up, bitch! Speak up, bitch. Me and Dr. Phil got a question, fucknigga! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, me too. Cam, anything else? Anything else crazy going on? Nah, that's it, man. I love it. Hell yeah. Well, you came out, you fucking smashed again. Everybody loves you. Congratulations. So much fun. Another powerful set by the great Cam Patterson.

Back to the bucket we go. Our fourth bucket pull of the night. It's been a wild night for the bucket. Two first timers and one guy bleeding profusely out of his elbows. Make some noise for Valerie Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen.

And your next bucket pool representing Section F, row 17, seat 1, it is Andrew Avea, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Andrew Avea. Make some noise, everyone. These people wait all day for this. How's everyone doing tonight? Hey, so it's a good thing I'm not sitting around a bunch of black people because it's probably going to offend some people, right?

So I don't think George Floyd died from that knee on his neck, right? And let me tell you why. Derek Chauvin was all about what, 135, 5'9"? Anyone ever had a fucking torta sit on their face? Yeah, I'm talking about pretty Mexican chicks weighing from 180 to 250, just straight fucking crushing your fucking face, homie. That's fucking right. Hey, I'm just saying, Princess needs to lay off the hot Cheetos, have me looking like Jabba the Hutt, fucking strangling for fucking air...

Hey, it doesn't matter if she's on her period, has some old fucking nut in her pussy. I'll be licking that asshole too, making a fucking Neapolitan shake, dude. Let's fucking go, dude. That's fucking right. Hey, am I in the greens here? Come on now. Where are the tortas? Where are the tortas? All right, guys, thank you. Holy shit. This bucket is fucked up tonight. Andrew Avila, I didn't know they made Mexican Eric Cartman's

Good Lord almighty. How long have you been doing stand-up? - Since... - Talking to the microphone. - Since December. Sorry about that. - Since December. Okay. And you perform a lot? I try to do at least once, twice a month. - Fucking three months. - Once or twice a month? - Yeah. - Wow. Your work ethic sucks. Do you wait for a police shooting and then write a joke? - What was that? - Did you start after George Floyd died? - Yeah, yeah. - That's what inspired you? - Pretty much, yeah. - Okay. - Pretty much.

Okay. Jesus. Andrew, what do you do for work? I lay pipe, Tony. Okay. I'm a utility worker. I'm a utility worker. Okay. Yeah, I'm a utility worker. Post Malone has a good point. Andrew Evia has good eye contact. He looks right down the barrel like he's bragging about being a brain surgeon or something like that. I am a utility worker. Sound familiar? Now...

I like your shirt. It says Father of the Year and then there's Darth Vader. Are you a Star Wars guy and a father? Both, yes. Which one is your favorite? Which one? Being a father. Being a father. Being a father. And what about which Star Wars movie is your favorite? Anyone but the new Disney ones. Yeah, okay. All right. You have a character you identify with? Probably Jabba the Hutt, like I said. Yeah. Why is that?

I like sexy white women, you know what I mean? No, I don't know what you mean, but okay. Well, I like your shirt. Thank you, thank you. Well, I don't know if you're really a Jabba guy. Jabba the Hutt was kind of funny. He Jar Jar Stinks. Whoa, Red Band. Red Band. Red Band. He's going to die. Okay, Red Band is really riding the wave of that joke that we're encouraging him on Hutt.

Okay. What's the most interesting thing about you before we let you go, Andrew? I love eating ass and sucking toes. Okay. All right. Do you get to eat a lot of ass? Do you have like a wife, a baby mama? What's the story? Whose ass are you eating? You ate ass with your minute tonight. Tell us, Andrew, whose ass are you eating? Any hoes on Tinder or Bumble. All right. I got a phone that was inside Ari Shaffir's ass if you want to clean it up.

All right, let me know. Send me an email. All right, Andrew, unbelievable tiny joke book for you. That's for you. Andrew Avila, ladies and gentlemen. Very, very uninteresting interviews on these bucket pools so far tonight. Oh, yeah. You know, I think we should rebuild momentum. We have another golden ticket winner here, everybody.

Another man from Toronto, Canada that we have not seen in a long time. He's very, very excited to be here. You know him. You love him. This is the long-awaited return of Jared Nathan. What's up? Took a sign language course and the instructor told me that I needed...

and it's super lips! When I whisper, I do not stutter! It's like I'm doing ASMR and I'm making Red Band horny! Exactly a minute. Right on the dot. Jared Nathan, how do you feel? I feel amazing, Tony! Amazing! Thank you! Thank you! Thank! I'm here! I'm back! Yes! You also don't stutter when you yell.

It's incredible. If you whisper or yell, you speak perfectly fine. But if you talk in a normal tone, it's b-b-b-bad. Wow. This is absolutely incredible. It's been a long time since we've seen you, Jared. Tell us what you've been up to. I've been chilling. I've been living. I discovered something, Tony. Okay. I have something. Hold on a second. Privilege. Okay. Privilege.

Especially at the airport. Okay, what happens at the airport? I go through security fast enough pilot. Wow. And he hands me a free bottle of water. A free bottle of water? Yes. I'm like, you able-bodied retards. They have to pay eight bucks.

Dr. Phil, what do you think about this superstar? Well, he's right. Water is overpriced. Maybe I'll be behind 9-11. Sorry. Too soon? Did the people on the live stream get captions? Who does that? 9-11 jokes don't hit as hard with the delay, Jared. But man, you're fucking funny, player. We won't.

We won't be right back. Where do I get one of those disability-privileged t-shirts? You sell them at like a... Everybody go to my website. ChairNathanComedy.com Hell yeah. It should be up right now. It was not very soon. Hell yeah.

Jared, you're famous from Kill Tony. Do you get recognized a lot? Does it help? No? All the time. I love it. Okay, good. I got recognized. Have you been getting lucky with the ladies at all? Yeah, do you get any p-p-p-pussies? Tony! Yes! Cool. I said, do you get any... I'll do it again. I said, do you get any p-p-p-pussy? No jobs! Whoa!

Unbelievable. Just a little Canadian. Oh shit. Oh my goodness. This has to be one of the greatest moments of your life other than the time you met John Cena. Whoa. I just also want to tell people. Wait, what? I want to tell people something. You want to tell people something? Yes. Okay. Can you please stop coming up to me?

and asking me if I like grilled cheese. You're Shane Gillis, Nathan! People think you're Shane Gillis? People ask me if I'm Shane Gillis' uncle all the time. I get that. Post Malone, this is your first time seeing the great Jared Nathan. What are your thoughts over here? You fucking rock, dude. That's a fucking movie. I'm...

You're like Chucky Chan right now. Okay, I don't know. What? And if you had a little bit about Red earlier, I think that could still work out. I think that's a beautiful couple. I think that's something that could actually happen. Would you ever fuck Red Band, Jared? What if I tuck my dick in between my legs and just let you lick the pubes, huh? Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Red Band. As a joke...

Red Band will be accepting his Mark Twain Comedy Award next year in D.C. It went over my head, I think. Jared, anything else before we keep it moving here? I want a cameo also. Check me out on a cameo. Wow. I will call you a fucking retard. Everybody wants me calling them fucking retards.

Retards and cameos. I don't know why. You mind making a quick one for my wife, Robin? Just call her that real quick. Robin! I'm going to see you later and I'll fuck the shit out of you. Okay, that's not what I meant. That's not what I meant. I mean, I'm still going to send that to her, but I wish you could hear Jared. He goes, I don't fucking know. Let's go. Also, you're way handsomer than Shane Gillis. Tell him I said that.

I didn't hear a sh-word you fucking said. Can you say it again? You're handsomer than Shane Gillis. You're more handsome than Shane Gillis, Post said. Thank you! Put the cup on that. And tell him I said that specifically. Thank you, Post. I loved you on that cooking show with Theo Vaughn recently. That's not original, Red Band. I heard that many times. Also, with my fucking OT, they have a fucking cooking show too.

Let me try to break that down. I think he said his fucking teeth have a cooking show too. Is that what you said? Everybody thinks... Everybody thinks that you have a goatee. That you have a cookie show. On YouTube. On YouTube. Do you have a cookie show? What the... Wait, I don't even know what he just fucking said. Okay. Something about a cookie show. Everybody has a cookie...

Everybody was, a lot of people with Down syndrome have cooking shows, they all have goatees. Oh, cool. Gotcha. I gotta simplify it for the able-bodied return. There you go. Absolutely. Well, Jared, you fucking killed in front of the sold-out LA forum tonight. We got another bucket pool. You guys still having fun out there? How many Lego-ing comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. We gotta do another deal. They go quit. Alright, your next bucketful. Make some noise for Sophie Forcioli, ladies and gentlemen. Our first bucketful of the night. How exciting. Sophie Forcioli. This is not Sophie. One more time for Sophie Forcioli, everybody. Come on. My husband's a nurse. Married a merce.

I'm also a nurse and I married him because I believe in equality in relationships, okay? That and I couldn't pull a doctor, alright? It just looks wise. I know what category of women I fall into. Nurse is where we landed the plane, okay? It's good. Happy to be off the streets though, married. When I was single, I made out with this guy and he was like, "Hey, I don't have a condom, but I got a grocery bag." I was like, "Are you trying to fuck me with a grocery bag? What store?"

Think of myself as more of a Whole Foods woman. He was like, "It's food for less." I was like, "Get the fuck out of here!" No self-respect! Gotta make a poor decision, then end up at the doctor and be like, "Yo, I don't know, you got some crazy bacteria in there." And be like, "Yeah, Savan's produce section, bitch. I don't know. Bad decisions." Sophie Forcioli, ladies and gentlemen. Are you sure the grocery bag wasn't to put over your face? Oh... This is Kill Tony!

Sophie, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. I love it. Where at? All in L.A.? All in L.A., but I'm from the Midwest, so I try to do Chicago and Milwaukee a lot. What part of the Midwest are you from? From Rockford, Illinois. Okay, Rockford, Illinois. Obviously they hate Rockford. I don't know. These people boo anything that isn't fucking Bakersfield, obviously. It's a real fucking trash audience we have here.

There's more Dodgers hats here than at an actual Dodgers game. This is incredibly sad. Confused Mexicans like, God damn it, I did wear a Dodgers hat. Dr. Phil. Well, I like, I'm a good, I'm a big grocery store joke guy, you know. You made your husband wear.

He's a nurse. I met him at work. I'm a nurse, too. Did he have a fun medical pickup line? That's always fun. I actually pursued him. I changed it up for women. I kind of went after him. So just say, like, you make my heart skip a beat? I asked him to a Lakers game. I don't know. You took him to a Lakers game? Yeah. Wow. All right. Nosebleeds. Did you see Ari Shaffir there? Yeah, Dr. Phil, I'm pretty sure your phone went to Whole Foods earlier.

I'll still use it. Fuck it. Well, that's exciting. And you guys have been together how long? Seven years now. And what's your best quality that he really got attracted to? Because that's always a difficult thing when you meet at work. You've got to hang outside of the work to really see what each other's interests are, what you smell like, what you feel like, right? Yeah.

What's my best quality or his? What's your best quality? My best quality? Yeah. I just try to have a good time wherever I go. Okay. Just try to bring the good energy. So let's talk about it, Sophie. Very good. So, Sophie, you went to a Lakers game, and then what happened? Did you guys hook up on night one?

No. It was a Lakers game, and then a week later it was LACMA. LACMA. And then it went down after like two weeks. After two weeks. Yes. And when it went down, was that at your place or his place? It was at my place. Okay. It was my place in Venice. Did you make the first move? I did. I did. It was me. Wow. I think we got to switch it up on the men, you know? I think women got to get after it too. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Look at all these sluts out here today. Absolutely incredible. You've got to love it. You've got to love the Kill Tony fan base. Absolutely incredible. Sophie, what's the most crazy thing about your life that we'd find interesting about you? I recently found out I was related to Napoleon, like Bonaparte. I can see it. That's weird because you look like one of the kids from Stranger Things.

I heard he's, you know, he even looked like it, too. For sure. What do you and Napoleon have in common? I guess he won, like, 80% of his battles. I feel like that's what I'm averaging in my marriage, you know, like, arguments-wise. Wow, this crowd loves booing shit. They're loving me. These guys turn on a nice person very quickly.

I love it, Sophie. Very interesting. Craziest thing in your refrigerator right now? Good question, Tony. Thank you, Dr. Phil. Sorry, you said what? Craziest thing in your refrigerator right now? You can say dildo.

Don't help her, Dr. Phil. Don't say fucking Erewhon bag full of cum. No, no. I feel like rotten eggs is probably the worst thing in my fridge right now. You say rotten eggs? Rotten eggs. They're expired eggs I got thrown out. Wow. This audience hates rotten eggs, ladies and gentlemen. They hate eggs. I don't know. I got nothing crazy in my fridge but eggs. I can't win. Okay. Sophie, do you have any special moves in the bedroom?

I keep trying to play with my husband's asshole, but he... Whoa, look at that. He was. What exactly do you want to do to your husband's asshole? Tell us. When he lets me? Or what? What do you want to do to your husband's asshole? I don't know. I just, you know, maybe caress around the area. Get a finger in. There's Red Band's one fart sound effect of the show, everybody.

Just do it. Just do it. Don't let him have it. Just go in there. Go for it. All right. Yeah, hesitation meets preparation. Yeah. You got to just, there's no real game plan. You just got to, you know, distract him and be like, hey, there's the, you know, there's the lead from, you know, Grey's Anatomy. And he'll go, huh? And then just put your fist right up inside. I'm going to do that. Tonight. I'll do it tonight. Sure. After this. From Grey's Anatomy to Brown's Anatomy. Go for it.

Sophie Forcioli. What do you guys think? Big joke book or little joke book? Big? Big one. Little? Big? Sophie Forcioli. There you go. There she goes, everybody. Sophie Forcioli. All right. We're going to keep it moving. Your next comedian, if you guys... How many of you watch every single week?

Well, then you will know that your next comedian won this spot that he gets right now on a Random Austin episode because he is originally from Los Angeles, California. Make some noise for J.P. Hinsdale, everyone. P. Hinsdale, everybody. Los Angeles is owned. Hey. Whoa. It is amazing to be home. Fuck yeah.

I remember when I grew up here, I was always afraid of things as a kid. I noticed as I got older, my fears have changed. Like my new fear is microplastics. You know about this? Apparently there's like microscopic plastic in everything that we eat and drink. Like we all consume about a credit card's worth of plastic a week. I consume about three because I have bad credit.

But there is so much plastic inside of us, it's actually mutating our DNA. This is true. There's babies being born today with smaller testicles. Yeah. You want to hear something more fucked up? There's just guys going around measuring baby testicles and nobody's doing anything about it. Like, I guess it's cool that the Catholic Church believes in science, but... An absolutely perfect set.

Absolutely fantastic. JP Hinsdale making a little homecoming. How does it feel to have a set like that at the LA Forum? I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience, so I might have had that heart attack we talked about. Yeah, yeah. Well, there's a lot coming out of your body right now. Yeah. It's amazing what's staying in. You look like a Jelly Roll action figure. Yeah.

An in-action figure, more like. Absolutely. I like your style, JP. Did you invite any family members or anyone? I invited my friend, Raghu. Me and my family are not exactly, like, tight. What happened? Wait, did you just say you invited your friend, Raghu? Yeah. Is it a jar of pasta sauce? Sometimes. Wow. Cam had a friend that was Prego for a second. Yeah.

I love it. So, JP, remind us all, what do you do for work? This. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy for? About four years. Okay. How's it going? Honestly? Amazing. Yeah. Like, I get... Even my life six months from now, this seems very unreal. Great. I love it. Tell us how your life has changed. Well, I got to...

I booked all these shows. I got to be on moon tower. That was, that was amazing. I got to meet basically everybody I've ever looked up to in life. Yeah. Did they book you? Cause they thought you were the moon. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. They were disappointed. Yeah.

JP, I absolutely love it. What the hell else is going on? Are you doing anything special while you're in LA? Yeah, I'm staying in Ventura because that was the last place I lived. Yeah, I fucking love Ventura, man. I fucking knew this crowd was going to pop for Ventura. Hey, yeah, that's us. Hey, we fucking love Ventura.

I also went back to the source, you know. I went to the Bob's Big Boy I was conceived in. Oh, my God. Is that a true story? Yeah. I bought a hat and everything. I needed some luck, you know. Where did your parents do it? Unfortunately, the booth that they did it in was occupied by a family. Oh, God. So me and Bradu just ate lunch and kind of stared at them weird, and they didn't really understand why.

Or it's just a really weird orgy. Yeah. You and Ragu just stared at them? Well, because I was telling them, like, I was explaining why that booth was important, and I was like, man, I kind of wanted to, like, see which stains were my almost brothers and sisters, you know? Sure. A little family reunion. Okay. That's a beautiful story. Thank you. It's very nice. You know, I have family there, you know? So... Yeah, it's like Olive Garden, but it's my own Olive Garden.

So your father came inside of your mother's vagina at a booth in a Bob's Big Boy? Yeah. Did they ever explain to you what positions they were in or how this was accomplished? No, I just remember my mom took me there drunk once, and she's like, we made you in that booth. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Do you drink with your family? Not anymore. I'm sober. What happened? What'd you do, JP? Who'd you hurt, or did you hurt yourself? Mostly myself. Yeah. You fall, or emotionally? Doctor was like, man, you need to quit drinking. Yeah. My liver's pretty messed up. What was the worst thing you did while you were drinking? Hit me with some sad music, Red Band. Here we go. Saddest thing? Perfect. I would...

Super sad. Such sad music, Red Band. I was pretty drunk the night I OD'd, so... Oh shit, do you remember ODing? I remember the beginning. What did you OD on? I thought it was coke. Yeah. You know what that sound means? What? You're relapsing tonight. What?

Congratulations. Should I go towards the light? From our good friends over at Poro Sos and our friends from Ventura wearing Dodgers hats, this guy right here with the backwards hat is going to get a bag of cocaine for you right now. Here he is. Well, it's not going to get any better for me, so let's go. That's right. That's right. Okay. JP, a very fun set. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Tom Segura if he let himself go all the way?

Ah, yes, that man sitting to your left. That is true. You want to hit that button? Shoot a basketball shot Redman wants you to do because he's a fucking retarded retard. There you go. There you go. Pointless for the bit. That's the sound of Tom Segura breaking his arm, everybody. One more time. That's Tom Segura breaking his arm. Nothing gay.

All right. JP, congratulations. You fulfilled the prophecy. You went back to the Bob's Big Boy. Dr. Phil, you got something for JP? Yeah, it was great to see you. You came hard in the paint. You delivered. You were prepared. And you're dressed like a bouncer at a glory hole, and I respect that. Well, you dress for the job you want. JP Hinsdale, everybody. Thank you.

We're going back to the bucket we go. There goes JP, everybody. Thank you, JP. Back to the bucket. Your next bucket pull, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Wendy Cressley, everybody. Wendy Cressley representing section 233, row seven, seat 10. Oh my God, Valerie Vaughn. Absolutely fucking unbelievable. What a show. You guys having fun out there?

Wendy Chrisley, 60 seconds, starting now. Oh my God, y'all, there's some beautiful people out there. Y'all are great. She's been in rooms full of beautiful people. As a matter of fact, I got back down too long ago from a federally funded vacation, a.k.a. Federal Prison Club Fed. And it's...

One of those things, I did 30 months. So I did 24 months in and then six months on house arrest, which I've never been so grateful to be such white trash in my life because when you live in an RV or a trailer park, house arrest is a totally different thing. When your house has wheels, it's not exactly the same sort of punishment, is it? So I always wished for a lot of things when I was a kid, but be careful what you wish for because I prayed and prayed when I was a little girl for bunk beds and

It took until I was 37, but I got bunk beds. I was in a federal prison full of women, the biggest federal prison in the country. Guys, shut the fuck up. Wendy Cressley. So, yes, the set, very rough, but Wendy, you gave it a shot. We all want to know, without a doubt, what did you go to federal prison for?

A lot of fucking talk about prison. I wish I had more street cred, but it introduced two people that did a drug deal. That's not a crime. It is. It's conspiracy laws. It's the wonderful feds. Hold on a second. Explain to us exactly what happened here, because this sounds like a tremendous amount of bullshit. I

I swear to God. Sure, but explain the deal. So a friend of mine introduced me to somebody, and they asked me if I could get them drugs. I said, I don't know. I don't have anybody to get drugs from. I said, but I know a guy. And I introduced them for that purpose. What was the deal? What kind of drug were they looking for? Uh...

Crystal meth. Crystal meth? Yes. And you've never done crystal meth? No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no? You've never done crystal meth? No, I've done a lot of cocaine, but not crystal meth. Okay. People are booing, not doing crystal meth at this point. Post Malone is going to do crystal meth right now. He's got an itch he just can't scratch. Not anymore. Holy shit. I like that you have like a fun Caitlyn Jenner vibe.

Thanks. Thank you. You do. What have you been doing with your life up until this? How long were you in prison for? 30 months total. 30 months and six months of house arrest. Yes. Okay. And what did you do with your life before that? And what are you doing since then? So before that, I had my own business, a licensed electrician and home repair, remodel handyman. Okay. You're a handyman. That makes sense.

And so since you're out of prison and everything, you're back at that? No, I took a COVID because I was in Texas before. And the laws here are a lot different when getting certified or getting your sort of, you know, to become a licensed anything. So I just haven't done it. I took a COVID job, like a pandemic job. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Not as like my eighth or ninth time. Wow. Well, good for you. Thank you, I guess. There you go.

It's not an easy crowd. Well, congratulations on getting pulled. We're going to keep it moving. Here's a little joke, but can you catch anything but a charge? Oh, I fucking knew it. There goes Wendy Cressley, ladies and gentlemen. See you. Way to power through. Now, I asked how many of you listen every week, but I'm going to ask you this. How many of you have been listening for many years? How many of you?

used to go to shows when we were here in Los Angeles. Well, you guys might remember this young legend. Ladies and gentlemen, here to do a minute, make some noise for the former drummer of Kill Tony, the legend, Joel Jimenez! What the fuck is up, LA? Yeah! Fuck yeah. Good to be here. I'm born and raised out here. I, uh...

Hell yeah. Okay, shut the fuck up, let me do my minute. I didn't have the DARE program growing up. I did have a bunch of cholos saying "Smoke this, I dare you." And I did all of it. And that's just a cool way to tell a stadium of people that I've done methamphetamines. I recently found out that Shaquille O'Neal is a cop. I don't know if you guys know this. You can Google it. I'm not making it up.

He's so tall. Could you imagine what Shaq's body cam footage looks like? It's just a beautiful shot of the LA skyline. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. The return of Joel Jimenez here in front of fucking...

Tens of thousands of people. Welcome back, Joel. What's up, Tony? How are you? I love you, miss you. You're a fucking legend of the game. Last time you were on was the 10-year anniversary episode. No, I came to Austin after that, but it's fine. But you were on this show.

Yeah, I was on the show. Yeah. Oh, yeah, sure, whatever. Oh, my God, are you okay? I think I'm having a seizure. I'm hearing Joelbergs out there. People fucking know me out here. Joelberg. Joelberg. This is my fucking city. No, I'm kidding. I love it. Joel, what else is going on? Not much. My dorm door guy at the comedy store. I play in a hardcore band called Mad Peaceful.

I got a podcast called Lesser Known Characters with my buddy Chappelle Lacey. That's about it, you know? You've been keeping up on the drums? Keeping up on the drums. I actually... Yeah. Wait a second. Tony, I actually wanted to ask you something. Oh! How many of y'all think we should have a fucking Mexican drummer? Fuck yeah. Well...

We've been down this road before. Michael, I think you should go first. Yeah, I got home court advantage. Home court advantage. Los Angeles' own Joel Jimenez. You guys know how it works. They each get a fucking drum solo.

If one of them, whoever wins is the full-time drummer of Kill Tony. If Michael Gonzalez loses, he has to work the door at the Comedy Store and be in a hardcore punk band. Michael, how do you feel?

Let's fucking go. Oh my God. The reigning, defending drummer of Kill Tony. This is a drum solo from Michael Gonzalez. ♪

Oh shit! Wow! Michael Gonzalez! This place is on their fucking feet!

Wow, a true Mexican drum off. Mexican versus Mexican. Both of them rocking Lakers jerseys. This is history in Los Angeles, California. And ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man that was the drummer for the show for many years. He's toured all around the world with Kill Tony.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the drum solo from Joel Jimenez. Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, Joel Berg's out of control. We've seen this before. Oh, we've seen this.

Oh my god, he's sucking his own dick! Oh my god, he's fucking his own face! Oh, he's still drumming! Oh my god, where's he going? Oh my god! Wait, Joel! Oh my god! Where is he going? Oh my god! He's climbing the railing. This is, ladies and gentlemen, we've never... Oh, he's stroking the dildo. He's stroking the purple dildo!

By God, he put it in his mouth! He's on the rails! He put it in his mouth so that he can climb back down! This is unprecedented, unheard of in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen. And why am I hard right now? Absolutely incredible. Oh my God, he's still going. He's still going. Oh my God, with a dildo in his mouth, he just broke dance. Yes, that is the Netflix sound effect.

Brought to you by Netflix, everybody. You cannot... Ari Schaefer could never. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He has a bigger dildo in his actual underwear. I forgot he's working with a fucking hog, dude. Yo, if he jumped, that was going to be the weirdest suicide of all time.

I forgot how big his junk is. I also forgot how flat his ass is. That thing is fucking incredible. Mexican ass right there. Those cheeks clap like an applause break from Aaron Belial. I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know what's-- I think we all won tonight. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? How many of you have Joel Ver-- Joel Jimenez winning? Oh, my God, Joel!

What are we gonna do? What is happening? I believe... I believe... I believe this means, Joel, I'm pretty sure you get to fucking drum with us anytime you want. Sounds good. How about we set up two fucking drum sets Sunday night at the sold-out YouTube theater? You free Sunday? I can be. Let's fucking do it. Fuck yeah. Thank you, LA. I love you. Peace out. It's on. It's on. Let's go.

A completely unplanned moment. How about one more time for the return of Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez? Momentum is behind us. The wind is beneath our wings. So now I bring to the stage... We having fucking fun still?

Is it okay that the show's running a little long? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to do a brand new minute, Kill Tony Hall of Famer. A man famous for his roasting. This is David Lucas. ♪♪

Yeah. I talk a lot of shit about gay men, but I feel like I can because like, I feel like I can because like, I'm like 10% gay, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not stick a dick in my booty gay, but it's like, if you tell me you got a big ass dick, nigga, I want to see it, you know what I'm saying? It's like, pull that motherfucker out, you know? You got 13 inches, nigga, let me see it.

I don't even put it in my hand, you know what I'm saying? Like, heavy. I did that joke the other day and Cam's daddy saw me do that joke and he was like, "Nigga, you not 10% gay, you 100% gay." I was like, "Bitch, I didn't know you could count to 100, what the fuck?" All right, that's my time, David Lucas, thank y'all. - Fuck yes, David fucking Lucas. Unbelievable, look at this shit.

Look at these fucking people. They love you. - Lou Kess. Yeah, there we go. - Love it. - That's crazy as hell. - David, an amazing set. I guess since we found out tonight that you're gay, I guess I have to get fat and black now. We can reverse roast each other. - Hey, that's crazy, Tony. You're looking amazing. What are you taking, homozypic, bitch?

Tony, with that vest on, with that vest on, you look like the only gay nigga in Wakanda, bitch. What the fuck? Tony got a dildo made out of vibranium, nigga. What kind of fucking Black Panther-ass shit is that, nigga? What the fuck? Oh, my God. Why Tony got that bullshit on, nigga? The Black Panther. More like the fag Panther. You son of a bitch. Hell yeah.

You look fantastic. Two types of denim tonight, huh? Hell yeah. You look like Filet Leno. That was me. That was me. You have a big top half of your body and short legs. And you have a big booty hole with a little body. Like, what are we talking about? You are on fire tonight, my friend. Tony, your booty hole look like a sewer without the top. Somebody can fall in that motherfucker. You know what I'm saying?

Post Malone is here. What's up, buddy? Yeah. Post Malone, nigga. You look like Kyle Rittenhouse's lawyer. Hey, bro, just say you shot them niggas, all right? Fucking Tim Dillon. Tim Dillon, you look like Adam Raid without the hat. Or with the hat. Sorry, I'm fucking... Wait, what? Oh, go ahead, Dr. Phil. Yeah, well, it's nice to... You look like the rapper Type 2 Short. You know what I'm saying? That's a diabetes joke.

Oh, God, nigga. We did not need another white man playing Madea movies. You know what I'm saying? For sure. This nigga out here. For sure. I never thought I'd get roasted by Shaq's mom. I said Shaq's mom, Shaquille O'Neal. You look like the woman who birthed him. I'll send you an email. Yeah, it's true. David looks like Shaquille Mo' Meal.

Shaquille Mobile. That's crazy as hell. My goodness. It's not even February when you dress up for Black History Month, Tony. What the fuck is going on? What's wrong with you, nigga? Did you drive a Cadillac with 22-inch rims to the front? For fucking Black History Month, Tony ate a Popeye's biscuit with his asshole. I was there. It was hilarious. With no lube, nigga. With no lube. Ate that bitch. And I... Yeah. Yeah.

I did. I actually did that. It sounds like a roast joke, but I did that. Didn't leave a fucking crumb. Give me a cigarette, nigga. I'm going to smoke it on the live. Light down. Oh, shit. I ain't smoke a cigarette and, like, crush. That's a crush. That's what you do to dinner. Crush is what the insides of his shoes feel. Crush is what happens at 1245 at your bedroom. I crushed that nigga Tony. It's a good cigarette for you since you retain water like a camel.

Hey, Tony, I got a question. Can you squirt, bitch? What the fuck? Squirt, that's your favorite soda. It is a good soda. Goes great with chips. This isn't the first time I've seen a furnace smoke before. I am getting roasted right now by a gay nigga, a fucking nigga that lives in the woods with no electricity, a fucking big-ass homo. I don't know what...

I love Tim Dillon, but nigga, you look like baloney right now, bitch. That nigga look like a gay piece of baloney, bitch. What the fuck going on? Fucking jack off with this nigga. I don't know what this nigga got going on. Well, I'm just trying to do my best. But David, I do got to say... Where'd y'all get this nigga from, bro? Fucking Adam Ray, snap out of it, bro. Well, I tried to come to your family barbecue, but you know, you guys wouldn't let me in. I complimented your pants. I said, nice jeans. I guess you do got some skinny jeans.

Fucking Dr. Feelgood. Yeah, all right. I'll take that one. What's good? I love it. You look good, though. You look like you were attacked by a wolverine. You do look good, though, Dave. Have you shaved some elbows? You look like a principal from Saved by the Bell. Thank you. Shut your motherfucking ass up. That's a great show. Saved by hell with that ball head. David. I haven't smoked a cigarette in like five years, but I just felt like I needed... Post Malone is here, that dirty-ass, rich-ass nigga. Yeah.

Those all sounded like compliments, David. I thought white people were smarter than that. How y'all get a nigga y'all money? That shit is crazy. Post Malone out here looking like a straight nigga. Gold teeth, hands tatted. How many fucking domestic abuses do you have, Post Malone? Jesus Christ. You look like you wash your hair with fruit by the foots. Dr. Phil, you look like you wash your hair with a fucking blowtorch, bitch. Get your motherfucking ass out of here, boy.

- Hey, you got a BBL on top of your head, bitch. Hey, you got one of them white bitches booty who bring the sign up here that be like, "Pick number six." - You are. - What the fuck you talking about with that little ass suit on there? You like you supposed to be in a casket. - All right. Well, you look like the trucker that they also may get on the truck scale. Hit me, hit me, Mike. There it is. - Hit it one time.

David, what's it like for you to be roasting at the sold-out L.A. Forum right now? Have a moment here. Tell these people what the fuck is up. This is amazing because a lot of people don't know this, man. I left my home in Macon, Georgia at the age of 19 to move to L.A. to chase this dream. You're from Macon or Bacon? Keep going. Where you from, nigga? Tony from Fag Dads.

Not Baghdad. Baghdad. I didn't want to interrupt your heartfelt moment. Yeah, fuck you, nigga. You out here looking like a black preacher's church sock, bitch. Your ass. Fuck you, nigga. You look like Toast Malone. And you look like Host Malone, bitch. Wait, what? Because that booty hole hosts a lot of niggas. All I got is booty hole jokes again, Tony. Fuck that shit.

Post Malone, you look like the type of nigga that go to high school and sniff white out, nigga. You're the only dude in camo that the people in the back can see you completely fine. It's over. It's over. Give it to him. Hey, Post Malone. Oh, no. Hold up, hold up. You're not going to try to keep this going, are you? Hey, Post Malone. White Iverson was a love song to Tony.

- All right. - White Iverson! You got a sleeve on, nigga. - I have a son is something your father has never said. - David Lucas, Kill Tony Hall of Famer, legend. He's here in Los Angeles this weekend with us. Make some fucking noise for one of only three, only three in the world, only two alive, Kill Tony Hall of Famer. - I love y'all.

The legend, the roast massa. - Yes. - David Lucas. - If I'm in your city, pull up, baby. DavidLucasComedy.com, love y'all, thank y'all so much. - Make some noise for him, it's David Lucas, everybody. - Open a cigarette. - There he goes. David, we love you. All right. Oh, look at him hug it out, there they go. Look at this.

This is the weirdest BLM rally I've ever been to in my life. We could have solved it all if we did this in June of 2020. Well, we're coming around the corner now. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we should fucking... I think it's about time that we turn the lights down and watch a little video, everybody. The saga continues right now. Here we fucking go. We are

Who got more laughs in that one minute? Who do you think? Who do I know? It's not who do I think. Yeah, who? Rick. Okay. It was close. It was very close, but I truly thought the muscles from Brussels brought the heat. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It all comes down to the audience. How many of you have Rick Diaz winning this? Yes.

This is that moment. How many of you have Hans Kim winning? When Hans beat Rick, the audience was very clear. Somehow people on the internet still didn't quite believe what happened there. I think Shane and Matt McCusker getting their votes in kind of swayed what was happening to the viewers' eyes. What surprised me when Rick and I first faced off is the internet reaction.

The level of anger they had for me. When Shane and Matt said that Rick had a better set that night, it made me feel like I must have fucked up. As far as I'm concerned, it went amazing. I executed my plan as well as I could have. All things considered, given that a few months before I was doing open mics in Brussels and I was in an arena in Austin,

I think I did pretty good. Did Rick Diaz get perhaps more laughs that night? Sure. But when the audience was deciding these battles originally, that was the one way that we knew how to decide these things. It took a lot of courage for Rick Diaz to put his golden ticket on the line against Hans Kim's regular ship.

very ballsy move. But in my mind, Hans Kim has done this hundreds and hundreds of times. I've seen what he's capable of. I've seen it on the road. I work with Hans a lot.

lot and I know him well and raised him from a little Asian boy sleeping in the back of a van to a very well-off, very successful stand-up comedian who's touring constantly and selling out all over the country. Well, you guys, I'm sorry that I underperformed at the arena. I'd like to challenge him comedically. And did he respond to you? I'm sure he did. Probably something snarky and mean. Oh, wow. Oh!

What do you think about Hans re-challenging you at the forum? I find it interesting that a winner of a competition challenges a loser. Yeah. Yeah. But you can admit that the crowd was louder for Hans. You were there. The crowd was louder for Hans. The audience being the only vote in that

contest was very controversial. So I think the next one, me, Red Band, and the two judges, or the two guests, each get a vote and the audience also gets to vote. So it's on at the forum. One minute or three. You guys decide right now. You guys want to do two? Two minutes. LA Forum. May 10th. The rematch.

versus Rick Diaz. What's different this time going into it is that I'm more relaxed. Let's fuck this immigrant up! I'm not trying so hard to please the audience. I'm just trying to show them what I've been working on. I'm just humbled by the whole thing and I'm grateful to Tony Hinchcliffe, I'm grateful to Kill Tony, and I'm grateful to the fans. More complex, more intricate, more bullshit, two-dimensional.

1940s comedy that we've progressed past. Try being yourself, bitch. - And we are at that moment right now. It's been a long time coming. Everybody's been preparing. You guys know how it works. It's best out of five. We have five votes. Red band votes, I vote, Post Malone votes, Tim Dillon votes.

And the audience votes with a decibel meter, an actual brand new decibel meter. It's going to pop up on the screen when the noise goes down or whatever. You guys, witnesses here, there it is. It's at 91.95. Come on, you guys can make more fucking noise than that. Show it again.

All right. All right. It works. So...

Ladies and gentlemen, you guys know how it goes. It's two-minute long sets in an unheard-of Kill Tony breakup tradition. Both of them will get two-minute sets. Going first, of course, the man who controversially took a loss at the HEB Center. Doing a two-minute long set, this is the long-awaited return of Rick Diaz!

I don't drink. I don't do any drugs. I'm unhappy. I'm 47 years old. My secret? Depression. Every evening I moisturize with tears. Ladies, you get unsolicited dick pics. I get unsolicited medical advice and dick pics.

I left my toothbrush at a girl's place. It was my little way of telling her, you know, to use one. I had a talk with my ex and she told me, "Rick, you're like a robot. You have no emotions." And I told her, "I think that's a little bit unfair. It's not because you learned to receive emotions a specific way when you were growing up that it means I have no emotions. It just means I express them differently." I think that's a pretty good answer. Thank you, ChatGPT.

My uncle suffered from mental health issues. My uncle heard voices. One day he came to me and he was like, "Rick, my voices are telling me I should kill myself!" I was like, "No, you're fine." That was just me in the bathtub. My buddy called me up the other day. He told me, "Hey, Rick, you want to hang?" I was like, "How did you know?" He was like, "No, I mean hang together." I was like, "The more the merrier." I talked to a priest. I told him, "I really want to die, but I'm also really afraid to die."

And he was like, "Don't worry, my son. When you die, you will be granted with the gift of eternal life." My ex... My ex did two suicide attempts in front of me. She was so competitive. Thank you very much. There it is, all the way to 220.

Two minutes and 20 seconds from Rick Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. Rick, how do you feel like that win? What are the vibes in here? It's a fucking... It is a tough crowd that you were getting some booze right from the get. You plowed through it. How do you feel? How do you feel, Rick? I feel amazing. Yeah. I feel amazing. What was your prep like for this? No, I mean, hey, eight months ago, I never ever in my wildest imagination dreamt that I could be at the LA Forum today.

I fucking love your attitude. That I would be at the LA Forum today having to rematch your diversity hire. You're also an immigrant, you know that, right? I can't hear you. You're an immigrant. Yes, sir. You would also be a diversity hire if I hired you. Yes. Okay. Rick, what was your preparations like for this? What was your process? Well, I've been writing a lot. I've been doing a lot of shows back home.

Okay. Try to do a show, bitch. I don't know. Oh, there you go. There you go. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Dude, I can't believe I met RFK, dude. Tell us about it. I can't believe he had a dead worm in his brain. Yeah. Yeah. It probably died of starvation. Okay. Oh, yeah. Someone got vaccinated a bunch. I'm so happy to see Dr. Phil again. Yeah.

Hey Dr. Phil, I saw your impression of Adam Ray the other day. Yeah. It was almost there, dude. I love it. Yeah.

Rick, you look like Harry Potter's sponsor. Yeah. I look like Harry Potter the extended edition. There you go. I look like Harry Potter failed at magic. Well, Rick, yeah. You did great. I don't know why I'm not voting, but you came out swinging harder than you did in Austin. I feel like you fucking came out with your dick out tonight. All right. Well, we got to keep it moving. I know. I love Los Angeles.

Thank you for having me. We're going to bring you right back up in a little bit. Oh, I got a lot of material in store for you guys if you bring me back up. Okay. All right. There he goes. He's going to be right back. That was the set by Rick Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. And now, the return of one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. This is Hot Skills! Hot Skills!

What's up? Hell yeah, LA! Holy shit. It's good to be here. Los Angeles. Thank you, ma'am. Stop booing. It hurts my feelings. Good to be here, guys. I'm a huge fan of gay people. Okay, I think gay people are the best. Because gay people...

Gay people only have sex with other gay people. Take a lesson, black people. But I understand homophobia because being gay is the only minority group you can enter just by being drunk. You can't get too drunk and turn Indian. Your friends are gonna be like, "Dude, you were saying some real Indian shit to me last night. You kept telling me to restart my modem." I, uh, love how... You know, thank you. Yeah, that's... Thank you so much.

A lot of people nowadays are worried that immigrants are bringing drugs across the border. Who are these losers buying drugs off immigrants? Who's going up to an immigrant like, "Hola, Consuela. Tienes psilocybin mushrooms? Molly, por favor." I have way better drugs than immigrants. My friend David Lucas recently got canceled for saying a joke about George Floyd, which I don't think makes any sense. Because David Lucas is a black life, and I think he matters.

George Floyd is dead. It's true. There's a video of it. Technically, he doesn't matter anymore. Thank you, Key Oz! Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Hans Kim, two solid minutes. How do you feel right now? I feel great. I got to watch Rick Diaz bomb in an arena.

Somehow I feel like the internet will still make this controversial. I don't think there's any way they can do that after that. Goddamn right, Hansi. But yeah, I mean, I'm obviously a person that, you know, I'm kind of like a dick or whatever, so sorry about that.

But yeah, I love you guys that like me, but I don't like the guys that have been on Reddit a lot. Jesus Christ. I love it. So let's just jump right into it. I don't know who should go first here. Tim Dillon? Rick, get back out here. Rick Diaz returning. Come on, Rick. There you go. Here they are. It started with Settlers of Catan.

And now the saga is finished. Tim Dillon. I got to give it to Hans Kim. The Floyd joke at the end was amazing. Post Malone. Who do you think had the better set tonight? Grab. Yep. We'll give it to Hans. I love you, Rick. I love you. Well, you know what? I'm just to make things interesting. I'm going to go with Rick Diaz, everybody. Just because I'm a showman. Oh, fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah.

Yeah, how about that? Okay, this guy's gonna kill me. For sure. Red Band? I'm gonna give it to Janice. There you go. Okay, Red Band gets it. I'm gonna give it to Hans. All right, well, that pretty much decides it. But since we have a decibel meter and things can get controversial on this show, let's go for it. Make some noise. Let's see it on the board. How many of you have Rick Diaz winning?

They love you 103.4 was as loud as I saw it get It was? Alright, if you vote for one, you can't vote for the other Does that make fucking sense? So one last time, make some noise if it's Rick Diaz that won Okay And how many of you have Hans Kim winning? Yes, yes

by a shocking 10 decibel points. And in-house, ridiculously much louder. Rick Diaz, I gotta say,

Thank you, band. Rick, I have to say, you have unbelievable levels of showmanship and fucking courage. You have done a thing that no golden ticket winner in the history of the show has done before.

And as a sign of respect, as a gift from me, even though you put your golden ticket on the line through all of this, I'm going to let you retain your golden ticket for when you visit Austin, Texas. Rick, you can leave this stage. There goes Rick Diaz. Hans Kim, I want you to stay up here

Because there's a little video that's going to roll that was going to play whether you won or lost tonight. I want you to watch it. Step in front of the band. Let's all watch it together. Hans Kim live at the Forum. If you know the words, sing it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

Here we go. Here's Hans Kim, everyone. A lot of people make fun of Asians because we like to eat dogs, which I understand is very shocking because in America, dogs are treated like family members, but in Asia, we treat our family members like family members. Wow. Look at that. What a way to start the night, huh, Hans? You what with a lady? I had intercourse with her. Oh, my goodness. That sounds so missionary and slow and safe. Let's do this shit. Hans Kim.

Live on Kill Tony! Yeah! What's so proud at the twilight's last gleaming? My Asian friends make fun of me because I like to eat General Tso's chicken. They're like, Hans, isn't General Tso just a shitty Americanized version of something authentically Asian? And I'm like, yeah, but so am I.

Very very exciting stuff. That was an absolutely incredible set. Would you be willing to be the new regular here on Kill Tony? Yes. A thousand times. Oh here comes one right here. Look at this. Hit it. Oh wow. Look at this. Yes. Oh my god.

He has a fucking Rolex and a hot white girlfriend. It's starting to fucking bother me. How often are you doing little bumps of cocaine? As often as my girlfriend makes me. Yeah, she's a bad influence. Oh boy, now the plot thickens.

I'm a good boy. Nobody believes you, by the way. Do you hear that silence? But something changed a week and a half ago when we decided to start having him challenge every single week for his regular ship spot. What we've learned is that it makes Hans Kim perform a lot stronger, a lot better, because he's fighting for his life. All right, here we go. How many of you have Hans Kim retaining?

Wow. How many of you think Hans Kim retains again, huh? I had a feeling. It's not even close, folks. I'm not surprised, motherfuckers. Let's fuck this immigrant up. This is that moment. How many of you have Hans Kim winning? Ladies and gentlemen, the newest member of the Kill Tony of Fame. Here to present him...

With his award, the greatest Asian comedian, comedy star legend, the great Bobby Lee! The newest member.

the third living member, the fourth member ever, joining William Montgomery, David Lucas, and Michael Lair, Hans Kim, the newest member of the Hall of Fame, and still Kill Tony regular, the great Yoni Levin, presenting the artwork that everybody's gotten. Hans Kim, what do you want to say? You're here in Los Angeles. I'd like to apologize to absolutely nobody.

The non-tumble champion apologizes to no one, but I am sorry a little bit. I could have been better at the HB Arena. But I appreciate you guys so much. I don't deserve this. I love you guys. Thank you for supporting me. I love you guys so much. This is more than I could ever dream of. I love you guys. Thank you. You want to say something?

One more time for the great Bobby Lee, everybody! Good. One more time for Hans Kim, everyone. The place is in chaos. We're running in super-duper overtime, and you guys know what-- how do we-- the only way we can fucking close a show like this, there's only one possible way. I present...

the record holder for all time appearances on this show, the record holder of all time interviews on this show, the Topanga Tarantula, the Ventura Vampire, the Los Alamitos Lesbianos, the Burbank Broiler, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine,

This is William Montgomery! Back in my day, we had G-Unit and G-Hot! This is my impression of a Top 40 DJ hosting a countdown. And clocking in at number six, Mariah Carey with "Butterfly," a new hit that's already flooding the airwaves with that stank-ass pussy.

If your dog comes out as trans, you might not be a redneck. In an effort to become more inclusive, the Boy Scouts are changing their name to Scouting America. This will allow girls to experience the same sexual abuse that the boys have. Also, the tents aren't gonna clean themselves! Red Band's so fat, on his cheat day, he weighs his options.

on how to kill himself! Okay, that's my time. One minute, three seconds from the man who's done it more than anyone ever. The undeniable red goat of Kill Tony history. William always brings it up a level for these big shows. What are you wearing tonight, William? Hold on, Tony. Who do you have?

I don't give a fuck. We in Eaglewood, Tony. No, but yeah, I'm so excited. I actually was in a rave all last night. I haven't TT'd in 24 fucking hours. So I literally can't. There's a zipper on the back. I got to be so bad right now. That's why you're so hard right now. What was that, Red Band? I honestly didn't hear you. What was it? Go ahead and do it again. That's why you're so hard right now.

I actually have really good compression shorts on right now, if anybody was wondering.

What exactly is that outfit, William? Where do you get something like that? Literally a Ravers outfit. I bought it about a week ago. I got to the hotel today. This literally was $3,000 fucking dollars. It cost me $3,000 to fucking get this thing. It doesn't really fit right. I look like a big fucking pussy up here. I fucking mess up on one of my jokes. I mean, this is the big time, Tony. And I'm messing up left and right.

The fucking little boy won't even look at me! How old are you, dumbass? There is an actual little boy. I didn't notice that the entire... How old are you? Show me with your fingers. 13? Holy shit. Hell yeah. That's unbelievable. Who's that guy with you? He has sex with you or your dad? Oh, God.

Motherfucker and Daughter Pounder. That is the weirdest. We have the craziest fans on planet Earth. William Montgomery, how does this feel? We're back in L.A. When we found you here...

Literally, you were the most bloated, drunk person a lot of people had ever met. Now you are sober and bloated. I know. My gut is really bad right now. I don't know what's going on. What has been going on? What have you been doing? I don't know. It's the compression shorts, Tony. That's why my penis looks so small. Just keep it moving. What's your diet like, William? What sort of snacks are you chewing on?

Huh? What sort of snacks are you chewing on? Woo! A couple Oreos in my mouth right now. No, Oreos. I've been eating all kinds of shit. But, yeah, it's L.A. I mean, I'm literally going to start drinking and doing cocaine tonight at the Comedy Store. I don't give a fuck. I'm actually going to a rave in a couple of hours.

It's almost three years. I'm almost three years fucking sober, but I don't give a shit anymore. I'm drinking tonight. I'm doing blow at the comedy store tonight. And nobody's going to stop me doing that. Tim, do you want to do some blow tonight? Okay. Post Malone, have you ever seen an entertainer quite as enthralling as William Montgomery? Absolutely not.

Oh my gosh, thank you. What about Jared Nathan? You were being nice to his fucking retarded ass earlier and he takes it like you're making fun of him. What a dumbass. No, he was nice. First show I went to, you were there. He was there. I can't stop looking at your cock, dude. I'm so sorry.

It's compression shorts, okay? I literally have these really good Nike compression shorts on right now. You look like a ginger xenomorph from Aliens. Just running around in the pantry. William, you look like what they feed the lesbian giraffes at the zoo. That's a compliment. Thank you, thank you. No, thank you so much. William, you are a superstar. Go ahead.

No, I actually wasn't. I'm just wondering what these people are doing walking out of here right now. It's like right when I fucking get up, everybody's fucking walking out. Nobody knows what the fuck is going on. They probably work for fucking Netflix. Holy shit. I can tell the fucking Netflix people when I saw them. They were watching me pee in the fucking bathroom. I swear to God, they saw my dick earlier, Tony. Oh, fuck.

I love it. What else is going on, William? Nothing really. Just working on a couple more puzzles. Eating my fucking All Brand Buds. I'm shitting really bad right now, though, Tony. I swear, I think I look bloated right now because I literally haven't shit in a couple of days. I hate that I bring this up, but it's really bad right now. I'm going to have to go to probably fucking Cedars-Sinai. Isn't that the hospital around here?

Amazing. Yes, it is the hospital. Absolutely. Dr. Phil, you and William have bonded recently. Was that you? I can't remember. Well, no, William and I go way back. I met him on Grindr. It was such a love affair right at the very beginning. It's like we couldn't stop kissing each other. Just your lips, your tongue. It all felt good, and then we did a Sudoku in the back of my Hyundai Tucson. Ooh.

Only if this 13 year old child says it's okay. Actually, dude, get up here, man. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Do you come to this 24-hour fitness lobby often? All the time. What are you doing in here, big boy? Tony, I'm scared. No, seriously, what are you doing in here, big boy? Well, I was going to work out, but I think my plans have changed. In what way? Fuck you, Post Malone. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Oh, shit. I think I just got HPV. You do. That was beard on stash crime. Now, I do got to say this. William and I, we go back further than that moment, okay? You hit it off with a good friend of mine, Elaine. Do you guys know Elaine? A good friend of mine. She made...

Her debut on the Kill Tony show about a month ago, and you and her had a special moment. We did, yeah. It was a hell of a song, and I mean, are we going to be able to do that? It was a hell of a song, and Elaine can't be here tonight. She's actually in the ER getting a vibrator removed from her asshole.

But I thought since we got a lot of musical talent here tonight and 25,000 motherfuckers, maybe we could sing this song together. I think you know what I'm talking about. If you know these words, sing along. Get the fuck up on your feet! Kia Fonda right now! I've traveled the world. I've seen everything.

♪ Traveling the world ♪ ♪ But tonight is the greatest night of my life ♪ ♪ Oh, we've seen good jokes and bad jokes ♪ ♪ And Jews and blacks ♪ ♪ And that fat guy almost had a heart attack tonight ♪

♪ But that's what you get ♪ ♪ When you sign up for Kill Tony ♪ ♪ You try your best ♪ ♪ You hope that on your side is luck ♪ ♪ And if you strike out, go back home ♪ ♪ And call me for a teeny buck ♪ Everybody! ♪ Call me for a teeny buck ♪

Call me for a titty bug. Just the black guys. Call me for a titty bug. Just the Asian women. Call me for a titty bug. Just Joe Rogan. Call me for a titty bug. Just Tony Hinchcliffe.

Josh William Montgomery! You can touch my head and my back! Kia Forum will be right back!

For a titty bug. Call me for a titty bug. Call me. Call me. Call me. Hey. Call me for a titty bug. I can't remember. What? Call me. Call me. Call me a titty love song. I said call me. Call me for a titty bug.

Call me for a titty fuck. Call me a titty fuck song, yeah. Call me for a titty fuck. I said call me titty fuck. You can call me any time of the night. Just call me for a titty fuck. You know that it's right. Say the love song, yeah, yeah, yeah. Call me for a titty fuck. Oh!

Los Angeles, we love you! Thank you to our new director, Anthony Giordano, and Notorious Productions. Thank you to the Comedy Store, where it all started, huh? Peter Shore, Mitzi Shore,

One more time for Post Malone! Tim Dillon! Dr. Phil! Afro 90! Nicole Tran! Let's see the art from Ryan J. Ebel! Awesome! Chris Rogers!

One more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Saul Wilkenfeld! Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Chris Rogers, Ryan JEP,

the great Heidi at Gina AA dot HG follow Valerie Vaughn on Instagram and get in the car underscore Daniel Mandelman on the keys Matt Muehling on the electric Jet Ski on the horn D Madness on the bass guitar Los Angeles we love you thank you good night I love you guys call me a bucket tin in love song

Call me a tender love song. A tender love song. Call me a tender love song. Call me a tender love song. Call me a tender love song.

Call me for a titty bug. Call me. Call me. Call me for a titty bug. You gotta call me. Call me for a titty bug. Call me for a titty bug. Titty bug. Titty bug. Thank you to the comedians and thank you to you guys, the best comedy fans in the world. We love you. Thank you. Good night. Call me for a titty bug. You know what to do. Call me for a titty bug. Call me.

*Demonic voice*

Oh, we bought a titty boat, titty bugger, titty boat. Yeah! A little love song. A little love song. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! All right!

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.