Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.
And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee!
You did it, ladies and gentlemen. You made it to the number one live podcast in the world. You guys excited, huh? Make some noise for Brian Redband. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Squarespace.com. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, ladies and gentlemen? That is indeed Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Huevos Rancheros, Michael Gonzalez.
The great Matt Muehling on the electric. John Dees on the motherfucking keys. And this, my friends, is the one and only D Madness on the bass guitar. Lordy. A lot of fun stuff planned for tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.
if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...
Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh?
Very exciting stuff, ladies and gentlemen. Two of my favorite guests in the history of the show. Two of the best to ever be on. Two of my favorite stand-up comedians. Make some noise for the great and powerful Eric Griffin and Jim Florentine. Yes. Abso-fucking-lutely. Eric Griffin. Jim Florentine. Welcome, gentlemen. Yeah. Welcome.
Eric Griffin's on tour at ericgriffin.com. That's Eric with a K. Jim Florentine on tour, jimflorentine.com. The podcast, Everybody is Awful. Welcome back, guys. How are you? Those jokes were amazing. Thank you. They're going to kill. Thank you. We're going to do a live on Netflix, which is going to be great. Yeah, it's going to be nuts. So I can't even cut any of those jokes. Well, we're going to see.
I have a feeling they might cut to something real quick. The band just starts playing or something like that. I'm like, I got more. We'll see. We'll see if Hollywood lets me do some Texas chaos out there. They're going to lower Ari Shaffir into acid while you do that Kobe joke. Like every Kobe joke, he gets lower.
Well, you guys know how the show works. Over 240 people signed up for the chance to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket tonight. If I do pull them out, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else we bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
And so, I've pulled a name out of the bucket. We go wrangle them from the bar across the street. And while that happens, ladies and gentlemen, I get to bring up one of our amazing regulars. How many of you are real fans of this show? Well, you guys are in for a treat. You know them. You love them. Ladies and gentlemen, rising superstar. Make some noise for KC Rocket, everybody. Yeah!
Thank you. Hell yeah. Lord, forgive me, because I'm about to riff. All right. Very cool. All right. God, I miss when men were men in this country. You know what I mean? Just miss when men were men. You know what I'm talking about? Talking about when men were men. You know what I'm saying? Talking about dressing up like a deer and scaring your Latino neighbors. You know what I'm saying?
Como se dice the Wendigo? You know what I'm getting at? Talking about when men were men. You know what I mean? When men were what? Men. Folks, hey, talking about when men were men. Talking about calling in late to work because you got caught in a saw trap again. You know what I'm saying? Talking about when men were men. Talking about when men were men. Folks. Talking about that. Folks, hey, men were what? Men. I'm talking about adopting a kid and getting him really sick just so you can meet John Cena. You know what I mean? I'm talking...
than avenging Shawn Michaels' loss at WrestleMania 23. Talking about when men were what? Men. I'm talking about having a daughter fall in a well and she comes back every seven days to crawl out of people's television screens. You know what I'm saying? I'm talking about when men were men. Guys, hey, I'm talking about when men were men here. I'm talking about pulling a gun on Papa John and demanding he apologize for saying the N-word. You know what I mean?
You really let us down, Papa! All right, thank you. I'm Casey Rockett. Have a good night. All right. Yes. Boom. Casey Rockett. Talking about when men were men. When do you think that ended? When did men stop being men? God. What do y'all think? 1983, maybe? Maybe.
Probably '83. When was the last year the Celtics won a championship? Maybe 1983 even? It was '83. I think it was either '83 or '83. Back when men were men. Casey Rockett, you did it again. Lord has forgiven you, for you did riff indeed. I did. I really did. It's just tough, man. When I was a kid, we used to take Roombas to school. You know what I'm saying? Roombas? Roombas. The vacuum cleaner? The vacuum, man.
The floor robotic vacuum cleaner? Those were a thing when you were a kid? When I was a kid, men were men. We used to take... We used to take Roombas to school, and if it hit a crack, you were fucked, man. You're going the other way. Hopefully your school was north, you know? Yep. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. The old floor compass.
That's what they call them. The old floor compass. Yep, the Roomba. Do you have a Roomba now? Nah. You have a handheld vacuum cleaner of some kind? Nah, man. Sorry, I said that kind of cryptically as if something bad happened with the Roomba. Not since the accident, I don't have a Roomba. Uh...
The Roombas are just wide enough to suck a kid under. You wouldn't know it. I lost a son. No, I don't have a vacuum, but I'm working on it. It's true. That's the sound of a Roomba, for those of you that don't know. That is Red Band soundboard at full effect. Amazing. How old was your son when the Roomba sucked it up?
What do you call that? 16, yeah. 16 years old. 16, yeah. Wow, tiny little guy. But it was a, it's a chicken or the egg. Was it a big Roomba or was it a small son? And it was the perfect storm, really. The Roomba was just big enough and my son was just small enough, so. An afflorshen, if you will. Yeah, really late stage afflorshen, yeah. 16-year-old afflorshen.
I love it. What else is going on, Casey Rocket? Been dealing with that. And something like that never really goes away. So I'm trying to make the best of it for now. Yeah, it's been a bad summer. I'm just spending time working on my novel and hanging out with you guys. Oh, Eric Griffin. Your novel? No!
Please tell us more about what you're writing about. I'm guessing it's called When Men Were Men, a novel by KC Rockett. It's a whole Roomba chapter.
I just don't know how he sits still to write a book. Like, you have to really sit and focus. I'm guessing you have a standing table, and it's on wheels, and you're on rollerblades, and you're just flying around the room like a Roomba. Like a Roomba. Huh. You become the thing you hate the most. So interesting.
Casey fucking Rocket. I love the way you get a show started, my friend. You are quite the silliest goose that's ever geased amongst us. I love your style. A lot of fun stuff happening. He's on tour. CaseyRocketComedy.com. We love you. Thank you. Make some noise for Casey Rocket. Thank you, guys. So fun. Appreciate it. And like that, the show has begun. And now...
Now things get really interesting as we go to our patented bucket of destiny where anything can happen, obviously. Could be a crazy person, could be the next talent, could be somebody that has been signing up for years, could be somebody who just got here today. Make some noise for your first comedian, Drew Nickens, everybody. Drew Nickens.
My name is Drew Nickens. I have a head injury from the Air Force. That's why I sound like I took some Benadryl before I came on stage. I love strip clubs. For $20, you can talk about your favorite episodes of Dawkins Creek.
And I came in, and I was halfway through season two, and she goes, Jaquavius? Because I never give my real name in a strip club. She goes, Jaquavius, you have such a unique voice. You should be a Muppet character. Because ain't nobody trying to fuck a Muppet, am I right? Man, I had a friend with benefits for a little bit. Yeah, it was real cool.
And I used to give her grocery store flowers sex. That means that it wasn't Louis bag or Lambo sex, but it was pretty cool. And she was taking a shower one time. She left her phone and she came in and I was like, you know what? Let me call it. Let me see what cute nickname she gives me. Is she going to give me a Mar from home alone? Is she going to give me special needs Jack Harlow? You know what she gave me? The bitch was doing charity work.
Charity work was the name of my phone. That's been my time. Thank you all so much. Fuck yeah. Drew Nickens getting the bucket started for us tonight. I think we all have a brain injury now. I love it. Drew, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up about six years, Tony. I love it. Where at?
I live in DFW now. I've done it in DFW for about four years. And I've been in Shreveport before that. Womp womp. And College Station. So, I've been everywhere. Yeah, you've been everywhere. Right next to each city's nuclear plant.
I wish. It would explain a lot. What happened when you were in the Navy? What happened to your brain? I was in the Air Force, and I got bullied real bad. By your own? By people, yes. Yeah. But you know what? It's made me realize that I need to treat people kindly and just be the best person I can be. You know, when you get things like that, you can be sad or mean, but...
You do whatever you can, man. Keep going, keep going. What are you saying? Keep that flow going. I just know that it happened for a reason. What happened exactly? I gotta know now. You bullied somebody and then they bullied you back? No, no, no, no, no. I was weirdo. I liked wrestling. I liked Yu-Gi-Oh. I was an easy target. Wow. Sometimes this answers the question. Chicken or the egg right here. Do people with brain injuries like wrestling? Or does the...
No, no, it was before the brain injury I liked wrestling. Right, okay. And then I really enjoyed wrestling after that. Hell yeah, brother! I love it.
I love it. Let's go, Jim Florentine. He should put that joke in his act. They're going to laugh. Yeah, absolutely. He reminds me of a retarded Kramer. Yeah, yeah. And I think if he uses the N-word, he might get more laughs. Yeah, exactly. Eric Griffin? Yeah, I just want to know, so you made it into the Air Force? Yes, sir. I had a 57, sir. It's a 50 to get in. Oh, my God.
Oh, my goodness. We found our Kramer, everybody. Oh, my goodness. So when you say you had a 57, it's a 50 to get in. What do you have to do? What is that score exactly? Sir, it's from the ASVAB. It's a test to score your intelligence in certain areas. So I think I can score like a 46 now.
Okay. Maybe nine points. I don't know. I think we need all the help we can get. I think they would let you in, no problem. What were you doing in the Air Force? Please don't tell me you were flying fighter jets. No, I was... I'm too tall for that. You're about the same height of a pilot. Slop gun over here.
Yes, sir. I was working in basic military training as a personnelist. I used to bring the people off the bus, get their paperwork, scan them in. Eric Griffin. Oh. So you were like the Air Force greeter. Goddamn, like a Walmart greeter, right? Holy shit. He was this guy. Jim, what do you think?
I just want to know how he's a greeter and he gets a brain injury from that. Yeah, explain to us the moment that you had the brain injury. You were with the guys. What did they do to you? They beat me up real bad. I stood up for myself. Because they told me, they were like, Drew, you need confidence. You need to stop letting people pick on you. And then I came in and I was like, no, no, you ain't going to do that to me. And then he, yeah, everything happened. What happened?
Tell us what happened. Is it hard for you to talk about? It is. Oh, okay. Well, then we won't talk about it. Yes, sir. I don't want you having flash... Wow. I think I'm fucked up. It isn't contagious, I swear. I don't know. I'm feeling... I kind of feel it.
I kind of fucking feel it. Okay. So what did the doctors say? Did you have a little bleed in your brain or something? They just said that I had a really bad concussion, and I got 80% disability from the Air Force. Okay. 80%. God, what a bunch of cheap fucks. I mean, Jesus, give the poor guys full fucking 100%.
Wow. And how, did the guys give you that haircut too on your way out? No, I got it from a guy who didn't speak. Fuck your brain and your whole fucking head, dude. No, I got it from a guy who doesn't speak English. I was too afraid to leave the chair, so now I look like a whiter Patrick Mahomes. That's true. That's true.
Okay. So you don't have a job now, right? I do. I am a cashier for a legal poker room. Whoa, that sounds pretty cool. Here in Austin, Texas? No, no. I live in Dallas. I work midnight to eight every Sunday, and then I sleep for two hours, and then I come here to try and get on Kill Tony. How many times have you signed up for the show? I've been signing up for
for 10 and a half months, sir. - You've been signing up every Monday for 10 and a half months? - Other than three weeks, where I lost my wallet and I got a new car. - Wow, unbelievable. - That's insane. - That is incredible what happens here. This bucket of destiny has a mind of its own, and so do you.
There's nothing quite like it. So tell us more, Drew. You've waited this long. I'll extend the interview. What else do you do? What are you into? So I love the country dance. I'm really good at it, even though I look like... One, two, one, two, three, four. I have to have a partner to spin around, but I don't think we got anywhere. Uh-oh, here we go. Oh, hell yeah. Welcome to the Special Olympics.
Holy shit. This party is already jumping. Wow. I did it. My goodness gracious. The country feels safer. What's wild is I thought... I feel like you really clunked up his country dancing, Eric. You were kind of the weakest link in that one. I forgot which one has a hole in their brain for a second.
You were looking smooth up there, Drew. Thank you! Okay, other than country dancing, what else are you into? I love boxing. Is that shocking? You do? Oh no, this is not good. You're up, you're up. I like to watch! For those of you that... Wait a second. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh shit!
Gotta be patient, right, Mr. Tony? Oh, hell yeah, absolutely. Look at you. The craziest thing is you read better than Floyd Mayweather. And I know hit women. Oh, there you go. There you go. Not yet, you don't. Jim Florentine. No, it's too bad he didn't learn boxing before those guys ganged up on him. Goddamn, I could have learned the Philly show before that.
For those of you that may have missed it, by the way, you know, Eric got up and danced with him. Then he said he likes boxing, and Eric pointed at Jim and goes, "You're up." Amazing. Drew, you are so fun. What else about you? Tell us something else. So, something that D-Madness probably won't believe either, I'm actually half black. -You're half black? -Yeah! Zero. I knew that was coming.
0% of the room believes you. Did you think this before the brain injury? Yes! Was this one of those things, like that lady that bumped her head and then she got an Asian accent or whatever? No! So one of my brothers looks like Klay Thompson. The other one looked like Brittany Griner. And they look like me! Hold on. Okay, lady, shut the fuck up. What are you, nuts? Jesus Christ.
Let me see pictures. Jesus, someone more retarded than you, Drew. That's fucking incredible. We're having fun. Let me ask you this. Are your parents, what do your parents look like? So my dad looks like viscera.
A big black guy. Big black guy. He's like 450 pounds, 6'6". Holy shit. I love him. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. He's a badass motherfucker. What does your mom look like? She's about 5'10". I'm not going to give her weight out. Um...
Red Band, you're so stupid. She's white. He said he's half black and his dad's black, so why would she be an albino? To make it look like that. You don't think your mom may have cheated on your father? No, if you see my dad, I look like my dad in a face, in a credit score, the dance moves, and...
Something else! Whoa! You got the old fucking... Whoa! God gave me a lot to go wrong, but goddamn, he gave me one thing that could go right. Holy shit. How are we talking about? My big heart! And an elephant trunk! I fucking love this guy. This is incredible. You are something else, buddy.
So you've been doing stand-up again for how long would you say? Six years, sir. Six years. What's the longest set you've ever done? I've done 15 minutes four times. 15 minutes four times. How did that go? That's the longest set I've done. How did that go for you? Good? Great! I did a show at Canva last year and I did really well. Where was the show? In Dripping Springs, sir. Okay. All right. Wow. Yeah, you got a little Dripping Springs on the side of your mouth. I'm kidding. I'm joking. You don't.
I love it. So let me ask you something about this giant fucking cock of yours. You use this thing ever? You get to put it to work sometimes? Sometimes. Oh, shit. I love it. Hey, you girls.
Fuck, yeah. I haven't been on a date in two years. It's all right. You haven't been? No. Let me ask you something. You're up in Dallas all the time. When you've been in Austin, Texas, you ever give a girl a kiss? No. You haven't had an Austin kiss yet? No, sir. You know, we do a little segment on this show. We do a little segment on this show called Kiss Me. We've been doing it for years and years and years.
I always say, Kill Tony, by far, the best comedy fans on planet Earth. Is there a female out there that wants to come up here and fucking steal the show tonight? Drew Nickens? You! Oh, Eric, you don't point at the person. Jesus Christ. Is there? Sweetheart, come on up here. Get up here, lady. Come on. Who's got her hand up back there?
Oh my goodness. All right, here she comes, ladies and gentlemen. The shit is about to go down. How many of you have been fans of the show for a long time? Oh my goodness. You gotta be fucking kidding me. I got brain damage also. I think we're about to see exactly... What kind of pants are you wearing, Drew? We might be able to see that fucking... This chick looks cute, dude. We might see the full... Oh my...
Hold on a second. Wait, wait. I haven't kissed a girl in Austin yet either. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. This is about to be one of the greatest moments, I'm calling it right now, in our 11-year history. Ladies and gentlemen, what's your name? Riley? Riley. Riley. I love it.
You work at the Betty. Oh yeah, one of the newest bars here in town. We love the Betty. Ladies and gentlemen, Riley, you are about to make absolute history. This is Drew's first Austin kiss with a fucking 10 from Austin, Texas. ♪ Kiss me ♪ ♪ Kiss me ♪ - Oh my God. Riley, you are unbelievable.
Riley. Riley. Riley, take a joke book. Take a joke book. There you go. Would you like to be on The Secret Show Thursday? Or Tuesday? Or tonight? Wow. Amazing. This is Kill Tony! Kill Tony!
Drew, you waited ten and a half months. You've been driving fucking two and a half hours every Monday for ten and a half months, and you just left a 17-minute impact on this show in front of over a million people. Congratulations. Here's the big joke book. You know what? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. The Secret Show! He booked it! Yeah!
The Secret Show! His first Austin kiss and his first Kill Tony! One more time for Drew Nickens everybody! Yes, and so it has begun. We are the number one comedy show in the world. Ow!
That is the hottest chick that's ever come up to this segment. And there's... I don't think we've ever done it with a fully brain-damaged guy before. This is magic. Yeah, that was pretty amazing. That was pretty amazing. You know, and it was dark over there, so I thought a monster was going to walk up, you know. And I was like, uh-oh. And then I was like, uh-oh!
Even I was feeling retarded. It's unbelievable. It was a fucking 11, which is also how big his dick is.
Jim Florentine. How crazy is that that he had a horrible set? So like, this is going to be really bad. And then all of a sudden he makes out with a 10. And he's doing Red Band Show on Thursday. It's unbelievable. Dreams happen on Kill Tony! And that was our first bucket pool of the night. We got to keep it moving, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Hard to follow. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Alexander Marcano.
♪ Alexander Markaner ♪ - Holy shit, Austin, Texas. There are a lot of people in here. And I also have never kissed a girl. All right, I am underprepared and overstimulated, so let's get into it. I studied statistics. People think that means I'm good at math. I'm good at gambling. That's what I'm good at. I like to take risks.
And there's no better example of that than my dating life. The women I like are not what you would call a safe investment. Alright, moving on. I think people are going back to all natural, organic, you know, non-GMO. But have you tried ecstasy? I think it's pretty good. I think it's delicious. I say try it. Unless you're my employer, in which case I never have and I never would.
I'm from Chicago. We've been getting a lot of your care packages, Texas. I'm talking about the migrants on the buses. Yes, we've been getting them. All right, I think I'll cut the joke before I embarrass myself. Thank you very much. I think you already embarrassed yourself. What was that joke? How was that joke going to end? Come on, let's just plow through it, Alexander.
You just got buried by a guy with half a brain. So it's okay. Let's talk about how is that joke going to end? Buses, migrants, you're in Chicago. Go ahead. Well, you know, it's just a little, it's difficult for me, right? Seeing people on the streets, they look like me, they speak my language, they share my culture. It all just makes me feel...
Superior. No, just kidding. They're funnier than you. The migrants are funnier than you. Great. Straight off the bus, funnier than you. Alexander, hello. Welcome. Thank you. You're a good-looking guy. No brain damage whatsoever. Yep. Unbelievable how weird this show is. Yeah.
Bro, bro, I'm sorry. I was just thinking that. Like, that guy was so weird, so retarded, you know? Yeah. You know what I mean? And we were, like, loving everything about him, and you come up here all handsome, and, like, we're just kind of like, fuck you. Yeah. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it is incredible. Alexander Marcano, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I'm so nervous. Even though I ask everybody, I'm really nervous right now to ask you that. I get the feeling. About a year. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's terrible.
It's okay. All of it in Chicago? No, I started in Orlando. Okay. You live here now? No, I live in Chicago. Okay. What made you start in Orlando? Oh, that's just where I lived. I'm from Orlando, Florida. And then I moved. You're from Orlando. What made you move to Chicago? Work. Okay. You work at a bank or something? Close, yeah. I work at a consulting firm. Right. Okay. All right.
Alexander, what made you want to start stand-up comedy? Did somebody tell you you're funny? No, unfortunately, I just like watching it, so I thought I'd give it a shot. Has it gone well for you? I've had better nights. Better nights than this? Yes, yes. Right, so somebody laughed at some point. Yes, there was a time. Right, okay. What's...
What's your process exactly? When you're writing a joke, what are you doing? Are you sitting behind a desk? Are you at your office? Yeah, I'm usually sitting at a desk. At work or at your place? No, no, no. I do this alone. I wouldn't do this around people. You shouldn't do it around people. That's exactly what I was getting at, is you should not do comedy around people. I think you're more of a by-yourself kind of guy. Perhaps Zoom comedy or something like that.
Okay. So let's talk about it, Alexander. What else? Have you ever done anything else entertainment-wise? Not for an audience, no. Right. What have you done not for an audience? Only fans? Yeah. No, seriously. Like what? No, I mean, I like to go around Chicago, take pictures. I like to box. You box? You box? I mean, not with a... All right, let's see. Put the mic in the mic stand. Let's see some shadow boxing. No. No.
Jesus Christ, who the fuck do you think you're talking... Whoa! Oh, shit. All right, hold on. Stop, stop, stop. I have an idea. Oh, no. How many do you think we should bring Drew back up here? I'm just kidding. No, I... I'm just kidding. That would be the saddest episode of Kill Tony ever, where it's like, wait, we found the most likable guy, and then he died. Some guy who just bombed beat him to death.
What do you guys think over here? Yeah, I think he looks like the guy that gave the guy brain damage. He may have been. You know what I mean? He got more laughs shadowboxing than his stand-up. He's too good looking to do stand-up. Yeah, yeah. You know when you can't, it's not believable when he's saying he's not getting girls and they're not his type. Yeah, he's getting a lot of pussy. Yeah. Yeah, this is what comedy's supposed to look like. So, go fuck yourself. You know what I mean?
But you are a good looking guy. You do good with the ladies, obviously. You a ladies man? Not as well as you all are making me out to be. Yeah? Why do you think that is? Where's the hiccup? Probably I'm not as funny as I need to be, I think. Well, I mean, but I mean, some girls are just in. I mean, you're financially secure, correct? Very. Very financially secure. Oh, look at this. Jesus Christ. Riley, don't look at him like that.
Very financially secure. What are we talking about? Quarter mil a year? No, no, no, please, no. I make a modest living. Okay, what's that? Six figures, yeah. 120 a year? Yeah, let's say. Okay, let's say indeed. And you have your own, what, little apartment in Chicago? Yeah, I got a nice two-bedroom. Just me. I like how you look at the audience when you say something you're proud of. Yeah, I make a modest living. Yeah, you know, a two-bedroom.
He's hypnotizing us. You think I'm funny. Amazing. Alexander, what else? What do you do for fun? What's the wild side of Alexander Marcano? You kind of seem like a guy from Chicago that works at a consulting firm. Yeah, I mean, that is true. What's the wild side? You have a membership to like a...
No, I don't have any memberships to anything. My friends... I like to go to Vegas once a year. We go on a binge. What do you do there? A lot of gambling and a lot of illicit substances. Oh, okay. What kind of substances? Are you a little wolf of Wall Street over there? I mean, I...
I've never done cocaine. I feel like that one might be a little dangerous for me. Absolutely. Well, how illicit do you get? I like the psychedelics. I think they're fun. You go to Vegas and do psychedelics? Or Molly. I don't know where Molly falls in the category, but somewhere in there. All right. Look at you. What's the most fun thing you've done on Molly? I can't picture you on Molly whatsoever. Well, Orlando has a bunch of raves, so I was at a rave in Orlando. That was...
That was my Molly experience. Yeah, what happened there? How did that go for you? I actually got it for free, which I've been told you shouldn't take. Yeah, that is correct. But they seemed trustworthy. They said they liked me, and I'm a sucker for people that like me. So I said, all right, I'll try it. Well, luckily, you don't have to worry about too many people liking you, Alexander. I was...
Dude, I was gonna say, you make everything sound boring as fuck. Well, you know... You said you went to a rave with Molly and everybody in here is like, oh, I don't know if I want to go to that. You gotta, like, loosen up, man. God damn. So I was at a... I went to a rave and it was Molly. Yeah.
that I got from free from a black guy on the street. Did you at least get laid at the rave? No. When's the last time you got laid? A week ago. Okay, so how did that go down? You have a steady girl in Chicago? We broke up, yeah. You broke up a week ago? About. Okay, so what happened? Take us through that process. Oh, man. Uh,
It's okay. It's all right. This is a show about honesty. Oh, that's the sound of her leaving, everybody. We have the audio of her leaving. I'm out of here, Alexander. You're fucking boring. Okay. So what happened? I felt that she was about to tell me she loved me, and I thought, better to get out now. Whoa. This, can you believe this? Dude, every pussy in this room just dried up.
Because it's I it's because I I have feelings for someone else. Yes I know Yeah, and I felt wrong. I felt like it wasn't right to stay in the relationship. So I ended it. That's that's why oh my god This is the only time women would be like, where's the retard? Have you seen the spongebob
Holy shit. So what made you think she... First of all, how long were you with this girl that you thought was going to tell you that she loved you? Only like two months. Only like two months. And what made you feel like she was going to tell you that she loved you? Well, we were... You know, she was inviting me over to meet her friends and...
Things were moving along, so I just felt like... What else was moving along? It took two months for her to introduce you to her friends. That sounds better than right on pace. No, but just, I don't know. We just spent a lot of time together. It felt like we were getting close. I just got nervous, I guess. Was the sex fun? Oh, great, yeah. So what was it about the other girl that you liked more? Who knows?
You would know, motherfucker. Only you would know. It's a question for you that only you could answer. What? Literally, I'll tell you who doesn't know. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Huevos Rancheros, and Michael Gonzalez. Eric Griffin, Jim Florentine. What's your name? He doesn't know. He doesn't know. Drew Nickens might know. Okay. Okay.
All right. Okay. Well, let me tell you. Go ahead, Eric. So you were, you're in love with one girl. Yeah. Then you started seeing another girl for two months? No, no, no, no, no. No. No. When I started dating my girlfriend. Okay. I did not have these feelings for this other girl. I thought I was over her. It was a previous engagement. Right? Yeah.
Well, guess what? Janet's here now. Janet, come on out. Jim. I just want to know what the girl's going to say. She's going to see this, obviously, this episode. Yeah. That he broke up with her right before she's going to say, I love you. What is she going to think? Yeah. I mean, I tried to explain. And did she know about the other girl? Oh, shit. Oh, my God. You got to put this episode up tonight. Oh, my God.
I'm gonna give you a little joke book, Alexander. We gotta keep the show moving along, no doubt about it. And during Alexander's... Go ahead, Alexander. During his interview, I'm gonna be honest with you. It's my fucking show. I decide everything that happens here. And I made a decision in my own brain. And I thought to myself, you know, Alexander...
took so much energy out of this fucking room that I'm gonna do something I've never done before. I checked to see if somebody had another minute ready. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of Drew Nickens. You know, back in the 90s, you used to be able to do porn and then buy out all the tapes in your tri-state area and no one would know that you got gangbanged. But the internet...
It's forever. And, you know, they have kids, porn stars, and Aiden, Caden, or Jaden, they'll be like, hey, clean your room. And they'll be like, no, Mom, I saw you got gangbanged by 10 guys. I'm not doing anything. Well, I have a real skeleton in my closet. I used to be a battle rapper. And I was so terrible, I named myself after Tom Hanks.
I named myself Lance Corona. Y'all wanna hear some bars? When your girl mad at you, she said, "Get over here like Scorpion. I give that girl that deadly D, that assisted suicide, that Dr. Kevorkian." Your girl want me so badly, I fell up in that pussy like my name is Sean Bradley. Thank y'all so much.
Holy shit. A minute, 20 seconds from Drew Nickens, the first ever comedian to do two sets on Kill Tony in its history. I want to say the power of Kill Tony. You go on Kill Tony one time, and the second time you come out, you came out here like you were fucking Eddie Murphy. This motherfucker came out the second time like, all right, it's good to be back. Yeah.
You're talking about pussy. This guy. What happened backstage? He comes out wearing a leather suit. Yeah. He opened the curtain. Riley was like. This could be the biggest comeback in comedy history. This is the best. I've never. This is unbelievable. Yeah.
30 minutes ago. One kiss does to him. One kiss. The energy that came out the second time. The confidence. It is unbelievable. He's a new man. 30 minutes ago, nobody knew what a Drew Nickens was. He came out literally to 70% of the people got on their feet. I don't know if that translated to fucking...
the video, but it is unbelievable. We want Drew. People are yelling over here on the side of the room. Drew, how did you feel after that set? I feel a lot better after that one. Thank y'all for giving me a second chance. Drew,
Stay close. Have another minute ready. Yeah. We're going to get back to the bucket. And if we need you, I'm going to fucking bring you out. Be ready. Every time somebody bombs tonight, we're bringing back Drew Nickens. You better start writing, motherfucker. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Get some panties ready to throw up here, too.
How about a hand for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen? Heidi's gonna... All right, forget it. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jordan Shelby, everybody. Here we go, Jordan Shelby. Hey, guys. My name's Jordan. Thank you. I'm 29.
If I've learned anything in my life, it's that the saying is true. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man how to fish and two years later he'll fuck your girlfriend. This joke is for Steven. Why'd you do that? You guys ever think about what white gang signs would look like?
Oh, what's up, motherfucker? Oh, shit. Oh, you're on the wrong block, bitch. Oh, oh. I'm gonna kick your fucking ass, brother. Oh, I'm Jordan. Thank you guys. Have a good night, everybody. Bye. Wow. Jordan Shelby.
That was fucking amazing. Oh my goodness. That was great, man. Thanks, Joni. Hi, how are you? Good, how are you guys doing? Jordan works here at the Mothership full-time. Yeah.
Have you been on this show before, though? I can't remember. No, never. And it's kind of crazy. I've never seen you do stand-up before. You know, sometimes I randomly will walk through the back of the little boy while some people are on and this and that. But I never have gotten to see you. And I'm going to be honest with you. I'm going to be honest with you. For some reason, I didn't think you would be that funny. No.
You don't seem to be that funny, but it's like a big misdirect. When you are, it makes it a surprise, and that's fucking awesome. Your stuff is very, very silly and well-written and smart and not what I expected at all. You kind of look like you would be like a stoner, kind of like dumb joke guy. So when it's kind of smart and silly, it's a relief and a fun release. Eric Griffin?
Yeah, man. I got to say, too, after all that energy from the other guy, you came out here, you did it steady. It was a little rocky at first, but then when you hit us with the Steve joke, we all were like this. Okay, good. Finally, somebody's funny. So good job, man. That really was good. Yeah, fantastic.
How long have you been doing stand-up? About seven. Seven years. All of it here in Austin? Where are you from? First three were in L.A. Oh, nice. Mainly open mics. And then I moved out here with Dylan Sullivan. Oh, yeah. We love Dylan. Comedy store guy. Did you get to spend some time at the comedy store before? I was kind of too early. It was like a fortress. So I was just hiding doing open mics. And then when the opportunity to come out here, I came with. Gotcha. Absolutely. Amazing. So seven years. And you're from L.A. originally? Mm-hmm.
Born and raised? Yes, sir. Which part? Hollywood proper until I was like 11 and then the Valley. Wow. Being raised in Hollywood is crazy. That is such a rare, interesting thing. What did your parents do for work? My dad's from LA too. He plays the saxophone. Oh, wow. That's all he does. Oh, shit. Yeah. Look out, Carlos Sosa. Yeah.
Or Raul Vallejo or Fernando Castillo. I'm not really sure which one that is. I'm just kidding. It's Carlos Sosa. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's Huevos Rancheros. I know which one it is. Your dad plays the sax? Yeah, my dad's so much better than that guy at saxophone. No, stop it. No, he's not. You crazy bastard. Carlos plays with fucking Zac Brown in football stadiums every Saturday. Woo!
He's not raising children on the dirty streets of Hollywood. So your dad does that professionally? Yes, sir. At a high level? Pretty high. What does he do regularly? He only plays. He's really good at saxophones. That's all he does. But where does he play? Oh, the last time Phil Collins was touring, he toured with Phil. He was in the horn section. Okey-dokey. Okay. All right. Okay. Okay. That's a fucking name to drop. Okay.
Okay, that's respect. Checkmate. What's his name? George Shelby. Hi, Dad. Hello. Hello, son. It wasn't Steve. It was me all along.
What the fuck? You're a funny guy, Jordan. My dad fucks me, not my girlfriend. Am I right? Oh. P-Daddy. I was not right. They hated that. They hated that.
That's crazy. Jordan, I love it. What do you do for fun in Austin, Texas? Oh, man, just doing this. I just do this. Amazing. Amazing. And I watch parkour videos, and that's about it. Fuck yeah. Yeah, just grinding. I love it. I like your style, man. What's the longest set you've ever done? 30-something, 30-something plus, yeah. Amazing. Yes, sir. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show if you can get out of work. Thank you, Brian. Thank you, Brian. Thank you, Brian.
And a big joke book. Jordan Shelby, welcome to the Kill Tony universe. That was one of those jealous jokes. You know, like, wow. That was amazing. Very, very funny. Very, very distinct, cool voice. Oh, thank you so much. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Come on. A little fucking... Oh, Jesus. All right. I guess I'm going to get trashed tonight.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we've been having fun up until this point, and now it's time to go to one of the cornerstones of the show. This young man is a fucking sensation. You know him. You love him. This is a brand new minute from Kill Tony's own Patterson. My uncle had, he smoked a lot of crack here, crack here.
And he had relapsed a couple days ago. He came back home. When I was back, he had like a bunch of lumps on his face and one of his arms was broken. And that's not funny, bitch. And he was telling the whole family, he was like, I was in a really bad car accident. I did not relapse on crack.
And everybody was like, "Nigga, you relapsed." I promise you, I did not relapse on crack. I was in a really bad car accident. And a couple days later, he was like, "Hey, nephew, can you take me to the store real quick?" And I took him to the store. He was like, "Let me tell you something. Everybody in the family believed me when I said I got in a car accident, but I really relapsed on crack."
And I was in the west end of Atlanta, and these young niggas was beating my ass 'cause they had some money on me. They tried distorting me, right? And I wanted them to get my money 'cause I'm not a bitch, right? And they were beating me up, and I thought I was gonna die. And when I thought I was gonna die, I said, "Hey, hold on, stop, stop beating me up. Wait a minute. If you gonna kill me, let me smoke crack one more time." And he said, "You know what they did, nephew? They let me smoke some crack, and they let me go home. Them some good people." He said...
He said, "I didn't relapse on crack. Crack saved my life." Unbelievable. Unbelievable. You did it yet again. I was a risk one right there. I ain't know if I did that one yet. I was scared. I was like, "Did I talk about crack at this one time?" Well, we're gonna find out, that's for sure. They definitely gonna tell us if I did, goddamn it. -Can I tell you something, Tony? -Yeah. I've never kissed a girl in Austin before.
- You ain't shit. - I ain't never kissed no bitch in Austin before. How retarded you want me to be? - We'll see about that. We'll see about that.
90% of the girls that come up here for the kiss me segment, you would literally be like, no, I've kissed a girl. I'm good, I'm good, I've kissed a girl. Bro, I'm telling you some real shit. When you said it, I was like, this is going to be some big ass, ogre, dirty, ugly bitch. And then, God's daughter walked out.
I was like, "Good God, damn." - It was truly unbelievable. - Man, she is beautiful. I love you. - Yeah. - I know where she at. I love you. - Yeah. - I know. I seen the whole-- I was here the whole time, nigga. I been in the room. - I love her. - Yeah. - It's okay you kiss the retard, baby. You feel what I'm saying? I like rocks. - ♪ ♪
Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. She works at the Betty, the best new bar in Austin, Texas. You gotta fucking go there sometime. Final. Gotta stop hanging out in the fucking freezer of comedy clubs and go hang out sometime in the actual city. I'll be hanging out. What? Okay. What?
Eric Griffin, you've seen Cam before? No. I just feel Riley might be a little scared. Why would she be scared of me? Well, I don't know. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I would want to ask Riley who her father would be most disappointed by. The retard! The retard!
Or you say it. Only you can say it, Eric. Nah, bro. We know what we're saying. Jim Florentine. I saw Riley run out of the room real fast. That is incredible. Cam, why do you have a robber's mask on? It's a ski mask. I be going skiing sometimes. What's so fucking funny? I be skiing, bitch.
In Austin. Nah, I'm lying. Like, shit, I've never skied in my life. I ain't got no haircut, and I wear this like, so I don't got to show my hairline. Okay. Yeah, yeah. All right, cool. I be thinking about shit like that. Like Dave Attell. There you go. What else is going on here?
I did a couple days with Bert in some arenas. That was cool. Oh, hell yeah. Arenas with the great Bert Kreischer. Yeah, yeah. How'd that go? It was amazing. It was a great learning experience. I was with some real veterans of the game, so it was cool to be around and see, like, you know what I'm saying? All that shit was dope. They have fun after those shows. It was dope. We made knives and shit. Okay. Yeah.
We made knives. We played disc golf. That's not a good game. I hate that game. Really? Yeah, disc golf is fucking stupid, dog. Oh, no. Disc golf is the dumbest game of all time. I hate disc golf. Wow, that's incredible. Y'all just made that because y'all not athletic enough to do other sports.
They're like, well, just stay here. Fuck that hat. Just stay here and throw it. It'll be fine. Fuck y'all. Fuck y'all at disc golf. I lost real bad. That's fun. You just got to have somebody fucking show you how to do it. You got to keep your arms straight. I did. I can already tell what the fuck you were doing. I know you well enough to know how you would throw a disc. Yeah. Deez just said you'd be flailing. You'd be flailing around. Would you play disc golf, nigga?
Would you? Would you play disc golf? Are you talking to the blind guy? D Madness, I guarantee you, is better at disc golf than Cam Patterson. He understands the fundamentals and aerodynamics of a disc. Jim Florentine. Cam, keep touring with Bert, then you'll be playing pickleball soon, too. Yeah, that game's stupid, too. Yeah, it's corny white people playing. Yeah, y'all made mini tennis. Fuck y'all, man. I bet you did.
That's why I like to call it stupid little tennis. Call it dumbass tennis. Can we talk about the bitch again? I love her. Yeah. You want to throw your disc in her, huh? Got that right. Do you prefer white women over black women? Nah, nope. Nah, I would not answer that question on this show. Let the record show that it's the first time in his history on this show that Cam has pleaded the fifth. I love my grandma, nigga. You crazy.
My goodness. Your grandma watches every episode, huh? Since the last one, since Tucker. Oh, yeah. I love it. Yeah, grandma's famous now. I love it. Well, I mean, Cam, what can I say? You're the man. You did it again. You make it look easy every single week. It is not at all. And anybody who fucking thinks it is, I double dog dare you to try it. You're the man. Cam Patterson on tour.
Go to his link tree on his Instagram for tour tickets. I love you, white bitch. She was throwing him hearts the whole time, but I didn't want to, like, tell him that. We got to keep moving along, ladies and gentlemen. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Dubs General. Dubs General, everybody. Here he is, Dubs General. I'm afraid of retarded people.
When I was growing up, my mom worked at a place, we called it the helmet place, 'cause everybody had on helmets. My dad would drop me off at my mom's job and say, "Go and get your mama." You know how scary it is at nine years old when you hear this sound? It's okay, they not in here. The reason why I'm really afraid of retarded people is because I watched the movie "The Goonies." Anybody else? Just me? If you didn't, hey, you guys.
Y'all know the retarded people are the strongest people on earth? I was watching this retarded porn, don't judge me, and the dude was jacking off and he ripped his whole dick off. He was like, "Ahh!" All right, that's enough for me, eh? My name is Doves General, y'all. Thank y'all. Don't you do it. Hold on a second here. Hold on a second here. First of all, I have to pre-pull another name out of this fucking bucket. You just did a whole set, minute long. You said "retarded" 15 times.
True. How do you think it went? Better than the last time. Wow. I can't imagine what happened last time. Better than last time. I mean, what the fuck happened last time? Last time I got zero laughs. And then I said that I opened for you. You was like, yeah, you didn't do well. Right. You reminded me that I let you open for me in one show at the Improv in Tampa last
Two shows. Tampa. Oh, you did two? And Tampa. Okay, yeah. We had two in the same night. Yes. Right. And it didn't go that great. Didn't. Right. No, it didn't. And I can't have people opening and not doing great because it doesn't set a good tone for the show. Very true. But that's right. You reminded me of that. I was just asking about the set, but you reminded me of an entire terrible evening of comedy that you did. Here we go. Jim Florentine. I didn't know David Lucas took Ozempic. Ha ha ha.
But you know what? I'm just going to keep it moving along here. You already have a little joke book, right? No, I do not. You don't? No, sir. Okay, well, here's one. Appreciate it. There he goes. Dubs General, ladies and gentlemen. And you know, I mean...
There's many, many names in this bucket. Like I said, 250 names. But every once in a while, again, I just have to fucking use my power. And you know, when a guy does a minute and he wants to say the word retard and he wants to make Goonies references during his set, I think there's only one thing we can do. I present to you a brand new minute by Drew Nickens! ♪♪
P.E. apps are tough for me when I have a head injury. I swear to God, it is hard to convince someone when you look like sloths from the Goonies that you are not in 140 characters or less! I had this girl, her name was Rylan, she was a good girl. I loved her. She said, "Drew, you need some hoes in your life!"
Let me take over your dating app profile and I got you. I came in, I went, oh, this is gonna be romantic. There's gonna be no matches and she's gonna be like, you're the match for me and I'm gonna get a girlfriend, guys. And then she came in, she goes, she's like, I got the sauce for you. I opened up my dating apps and it looks like a special needs bus. There was a girl with a colostomy bag. There was...
girl with a wheelchair! I'm gonna paralyze you! I don't want you to be paralyzed, buddy! Alright, that's been my test. Thank y'all. Oh my god. Ladies and gentlemen, people are on their feet in Austin, Texas. The first comedian to do two sets! The first comedian to do three sets! This is the return of Drew Nickens. Drew...
Every time I send you back, you come back funnier. What's going on back there? I think I need to go get some of that. I don't know, but it's just Riley and Heidi back there. I don't think it's hard to figure out what's going on back there. This guy's busting nuts and taking names. Holy shit. How do you feel, Drew? I feel so good right now. I'm going out of work tomorrow. Woo!
I mean, you know, of course, this is fucking... It's unprecedented what's happening here. It's a true break from format. From now on, people that do great on this show are going to be like, I did great, but they only had me up once. I'm famous now. I can sell tickets for the rest of my life, but I mean, I'm no Drew Nickens. Oh, my God!
It's been months. You guys are great. It is great, you crazy bastard. Eric Griffin. This feels like one of those feel-good episodes of American Idol. You know what I mean? You're going to have to do a whole package about him before the show. We're going to have to go to the Air Force Base. You know what I mean? We get to talk to the guys. I didn't know when I hit him that it was going to be like this.
Oh, that guy's gonna get killed. The Kill Tony fans are gonna find that motherfucker. Yeah, just give us some names! Yeah.
Oh my god, Jim. I think the kiss turned his whole set around. Yeah. You know, he started off, I mean, first of all, he does like his worst material when he first comes out. And then he has his killer material a second and third time. Oh yeah. He's coming out guns a blazing. Like, why wouldn't you do that the first time, this stuff that you did? He's brain damaged, Jim. He doesn't know what the fuck's going on. What kind of question is that? Where have you been?
It took three sets for Jim to be like, what are you, retarded? A wee bit. Drew, this is amazing what's happening here tonight. It is. I love it. We're having fun in this goddamn room. I'm telling you, go back there. Come up with another minute. Anything can happen. This is Kill Tony. There he goes. We got to keep it moving along.
All right. Back to the bucket we go. A brand new minute, a brand new comedian. Make some noise for Josh Castro, everybody. Josh Castro.
Heath Ledger...
Oh, sorry a lot of Full House fans. I'm sorry. I'll go ahead and cut it out guys. I'll cut that out. I also believe in another dumb conspiracy theory. I don't believe that Stevie Wonder is really blind. Think about it. He's been telling us in his songs this whole time. Isn't she lovely? How would he know? Very superstitious. Riding on... How would he know? There's... Thank you.
I think we're getting to the point now where people purposefully aren't laughing so that I bring out Drew Nickens again. You gotta really earn these laughs tonight. My goodness, Josh Castro, you look like an unfunny Jared Nathan. You know Jared? The bone? Never heard of him. He's a guy that's globally mentally challenged who's
Also funnier than you. Oh, man. Jeez. There's a lot of amazingly talented handicapped people that come to this show. Let this be a message to all the pretty white women in here right now. You could change the world with a kiss. Oh.
Just one kiss from you, one kiss from you, one kiss from you could change-- well, I don't know if it could help him. Josh is indeed struggling. Your glasses are fogging up from the insides. It is incredible.
You are sweating. You're nervous right now. Yeah, a little bit. Okay, how long you been doing stand-up? A couple years. About nine years. Nine years? More or less. Did you say a couple years? Nine years? Yeah. A couple years? Nine years? You know that a couple is two? Like a happy couple? Two people? And then you said nine? That's a jump. That's a fucking jump. Got
So, okay. How long have you really been doing it? Nine years? Yeah, more or less. Okay. Where at? Where have you been doing the nine years at? Here starting, I started in San Antonio and then I came up here to Austin for a while. So I've been out here in Austin. You live in Austin? I live in the outskirts of Leander. There you go. There you go. That makes sense. What do you do for work? I work at a taco truck. Oh, shit. All right. Yeah. Michael Gonzalez literally just goes, fuck yeah. This is the most Mexican shit humanly possible. Yeah.
What are your tacos like? They're called Drowned Tacos. They're called El Perritos. That's the name of the restaurant down south. Okay. Michael, guys, do we know about this place? Try it out. You've never heard of it? El Perrito. Yeah, El Choco. There you go. Oh, shit. Someone knows about it. Yes. It's pretty badass. Have you ever...
Is it your taco truck? No, it's my friend's. Okay. So you just work for your buddy? Yeah, I work for my friend. Okay. Does that pay well? It's a job, so it gets me by. Gas money. All right, gas money indeed. Do you live by yourself? Yeah, pretty much. When you say pretty much, like, I mean, your answers are so diabolically insane. What I think he means, he lives with a couple people, which is nine. Okay.
There you go. One for every year. There you go. You know, I live with this happy couple. It's a fucking... There's 17 of us. Holy shit. Okay, so when you say pretty much, what exactly do you mean? I have a roommate that just moved out, so... Oh, okay. Why'd your roommate move out? Just didn't work out. Why didn't it work out? She got pregnant. Not by me. Not by me.
Holy shit. Someone's fucking jerking off into your chorizo over there. She got pregnant, but not by you. But she was Latina as well. Yeah. Absolutely. That's what they do. Okay. So she got pregnant and she moved in with the guy that got her pregnant, I'm guessing? Yeah. She left. Okay. So are you looking for a roommate? Nah, we're good.
When you say "we," who are you talking about? Me and my wife. You said you live alone. How long have you been with your wife? About ten years, same as Conby. Ten years? Yeah, more or less. Just a couple years, okay. Ten years with your wife, and what does she do for a living?
- She works at a bank. - She works at a bank? - Yeah. - What does she do at the bank? She's a teller? - Yeah. - Okay. She works at the bank. And you have kids? - No kids. - How is it possible? She's Latina as well? - Yeah. - How is it possible that you've been with the same woman for 10 years and you don't have a kid? What exactly is going on over there? You're not shooting your fucking horchata down the highway?
What's going on? No, it's not that. Oh, limonada. Limonada. That's it. What? Limonada. What does that mean? It's a different drink. Lemonade. It's a different drink? Lemonade? Your cum is yellow? I am lost over here. My goodness gracious. You don't have sex. Who? Why is your cum yellow? No, I'm just saying. It's not yellow. It's...
You're not fucking your wife? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Churro. Churro. Like a churro. Like the cum out of a churro. Like a cinnamon stick. Yeah, more or less. Okay. So you're saying your cum comes out solid. Before it's fried. It's nasty.
I think his wife is at the bank looking at all the money other people are making. You know what I mean? That's why I don't have any kids. Yeah. She's like... Amazing. That taco truck money is not, you know... Amazing. Are you coming inside of her? Yeah. You've been coming inside of her for 10 years? More or less. More or less? How's that possible? Can't be less.
If it's more. It's more. We're trying. We're trying. You're trying. Yeah, we're trying. Where do you think the problem lies? Oh, look. It's a blind musician that conveniently left before you started accusing Stevie Wonder of not being blind. Somehow D Madness' instincts are so strong, he knows exactly when to go take a fucking lemonade.
He had to go call the association to make sure. I didn't know he was blind. I didn't know. You didn't know? No, I didn't know. Have you ever seen the fucking show before? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know. What do you think? He just fucking has a handler and wears goofy glasses and doesn't ever look directly at anyone? No.
It's a lot of commercial breaks, so I didn't see... I've never... What? Josh, you're wild, dude. I don't know whether you should be less retarded or honestly, this episode, I think maybe perhaps being more retarded might help you, seeing how this episode's gone. But what? Get out of here, Josh. There goes Josh, everybody. There you go.
Ladies and gentlemen, I mean, what the fuck? You know, I present to you a brand new minute from Drew Nickens! I used to play Yu-Gi-Oh! That's why I get all the bitches. And Yu-Gi-Oh! is so strange because you can like do cocaine in the bathroom and then go see two people in Naruto fight over cardboard. What the hell is that?
But when you're traveling, it always ends up about sex. And my grandmother taught me two things about sex. The first thing is, if the blowjob sounds like a washing machine, you're doing it wrong. My washing machine was broke, so I thought it should have sounded like... And it...
And if you're gonna learn how to donkey punch a bitch, you better learn how to hit medium. I was in the back of a Ford Focus and she said, "Let's try this." And I hit that hoe and she goes, "Hit it with your chest, motherfucker!" Hit that hoe like I was a UFC fighter and it knocked her out like a window skipper. You know, like, "No, no, no, no." Here I am stuck thinking I'm going to prison
Here I am stuck thinking I'm going to prison and then she, I look and the bitch has smelling salt in the cup holder. She lied! Thank y'all. - Ladies and gentlemen. - He got so famous he's about to get canceled. All in one night, it's great. - You guys think someone would actually let me donkey punch them?
Unbelievable. You can get away with anything. This is unbelievable. You just admitted to an all-out sexual assault. It is incredible. You have done a month's work of Kill Tony in one night. The first person to not only do two sets, not only do three, the first person to do four sets in one night.
And make out with a 10. And make out with a 10. It is an incredible thing. You've been coming for 10 and a half months. You've been signing up every single week. This is incredible. How do you feel now? I feel so good. I feel like everything was worth it. All those hard nights, all those sad days. Thank you guys. You guys are why I do this. Y'all are the best.
Yes! Yes! Give it up for yourself! Thank you, Mr. Tony, for the opportunity to show this stuff. Thank you, guys. You know what to do now. Get your ass back there and write another minute. We might need you. We might need you. No way. No way, fine. I mean, who fucking gives a shit at this point?
Seems like everybody's having a good old fucking time. I've never seen an audience get on their feet six times during an episode either. There's a lot of records happening tonight. I hope it translates well to the internet. It's just going to be a bunch of people like, that fucking guy sung, dude. Tony and everybody in that room was crazy that night.
Lord knows they'll find something to complain about. Let's get back to this bucket. We'll keep it moving along. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. For some reason, I can't stop laughing when trying to restart the actual show that we do. Make some noise for Eric Galagos, ladies and gentlemen. Eric Galagos. Thank you.
I was recently told that I look like Skrillex if the drop came on the Downs beat. I mean, I think I look more like Skrillex if he ate Jackie Chan. But dubstep jokes, not very relatable. Unless you love Molly. Yes, good old Molly. As I like to call it, sneaky fentanyl. You guys, I...
I was recently watching a news segment about a blind guy that kept stabbing people with his walking stick. The news reporters were like, innocent stabbings or felon killer? You guys, I have a sister and she loves to play with guns. Sorry, I had a sister who loved to play with guns.
You guys, that's my time. Thank you. All right. There we go. And we're back. Eric Gallagos getting everything back on the bucket pool track here. Welcome to the show, Eric. Have you been on before? Last year in September. Okay. It seems like things are going better. Yeah. Austin fucking rules. Yeah. Yeah. Tell us more about that. What do you do for work, Eric? I fix cell phones on the weekends. Okay. Like crack screens. Yeah.
Only on the weekends? Yeah. I try to just do it on the weekends. That way I have more time for stand-up on the weekdays. Okay. Very good. What's your living situation? I am about to move into a new place this week. I was living with a roommate. He moved to Michigan. So I'm about to move in with another comic. Why would your roommate move to Michigan? He got a good job. In Michigan? Yeah.
He's working remotely from Michigan. A good job. He used to do construction. Now he gets to tell the guys what to do. In Michigan? In Michigan. Has he ever lived in Michigan? No.
He's from Michigan, so yeah. There you go. That makes sense. Went back home. Right. That makes sense. Back home you go. Not really an upgrade from Austin to Michigan, one of the worst states on planet Earth, if you don't know. It's a college football reference, ladies and gentlemen. Red Band and I are both from Ohio. So, Eric, you fix cell phones on the weekend. Yeah.
What else do you do? What do you do for fun? How long have you been doing stand-up? Like a year and two months. Okay. What do you do for fun? Man, I... Video games. I like to write music. You play music? Yeah, I play music. I play guitar. You play guitar? Yeah. I like... Yeah. You play guitar? Yeah. How did it go? I played a song last time I was on, yeah. Was it okay? Do you remember? Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah.
You had some things to say that were funny. Oh, what did I say? You sucked. Yeah, pretty close to that. Okay. Do you sing? I mainly play guitar. I'm more of a guitar player, but I sing my own music. Not according to Matt Muehling, you're not. Okay. He might have got better in a year. Have you been practicing? Yeah, I play. I play pretty often. Yeah. Do you think you're better than you were a year ago? Fuck yeah. Nice.
Matt Muehling, what do we think here? Yeah, we do need to get a guest guitar. That's true. That is a really good idea. Matt doesn't like Mexicans playing his guitar. If it helps, I listened to your latest single and that was dope as fuck. Uh-oh, I bet he's going to give you his guitar. He's the guy that knows how to get a guitar. Here we go. That's right.
Epsilon 2.0. You're so fucking easy. Oh, yeah. Open 2.0. Epsilon is the single. The new single is Challenge Day. And you can find that at MatthewTM.com.
MatthewTM.org to check out Matt's unbelievable music. I mean, you know, the audience gets to see before the show starts. These guys play for quite a bit. There you go. That's as far as you get to go. He's bringing the mic over. We're giving you some flyer. I don't want to spit on Eric. Matt's dead. Please don't.
I'm really going to try. Matt is suffocating. The good news is Drew Nickens knows CPR. So Matt's about to get a little mouth-to-mouth from Drew Nickens. All right, no, I'm kidding. Here we are, ladies and gentlemen, the boy wonder living his dream. Hell yeah. I'm going from like A to G. Do you need a pick? I got one right here. You brought one with you? Yeah. Holy shit. Fuck yeah, I come prepared. Hell yeah. Let's do it.
Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Eric Gallagos. Oh, couldn't get away
I'm trying to find B. Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going. One more verse.
All right, all right, all right, all right. One more time, we saved you with a little Drew Nickens there at the end. One more time for Drew. His fifth appearance on the show in an hour and a half. That is beyond a record. Four sets, five appearances.
Eric, you finally got to see what an applause break looks like. Finally. Jesus, thank God. That was the return of Drew Nickens that did that. But you got to look out there and kind of live a fantasy. I mean, I'd imagine having Drew behind you and half the room getting on its feet must have felt good. It's like playing VR with Red Band or something like that.
All right. Eric, you already have a small joke book from your last time? Yeah, I do. Hell yeah. There you go. Well, you know, I'm about growth on this show, so why not get a big one? Fill it up. Do better. Hell yeah. Thank you. All right.
We're flying through it. I pulled to get a lady. We've not had a female comedian yet tonight, so I scoured through the bucket. Make some noise for your first female comedian of the night. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Lorena Benedetto. Lorena Benedetto. Hello everybody. Yeah, this is my accent. So you better pay a lot of attention.
The same attention I pay to understand porno movies. You know porno movies like... You got it, motherfuckers. Can I curse here? Yes? Cool. You know, I ran away from my country, Venezuela. Yes. I know those low-class people who just crossed the border. I came eight years ago by plane with a visa. It's expired now. Yeah. I ran away because I fuck with a lot of people.
I fuck with some politicians and I fuck with the whole police department. So they put me in jail. So I fuck with the sheriff. And he let me go. That is because I'm a freedom fighter! I fuck a lot in my country. Now I'm kind of fucking, I mean looking, looking, looking. I'm learning English, watching a lot of porno now. Yeah, it's cheaper than Duolingo.
It's my time now. I can say another joke. Thank you. There you go. Lorena Benedetto. Seconds away from the bear. So, Lorena, welcome to the show. How long ago did you leave Venezuela by the sounds of your accent? It was at 10 a.m. I know I sound like I just crossed the border. No, but I came eight years ago. Eight years ago. And you went straight to Florida? Yes. There you go. Absolutely. And you still live in Florida? Yes.
I just moved here. You moved to Austin. How long ago? Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. Okay. It's crazy. What's your setup like? How do you feel? You live alone? Right now, I'm living with a friend in the north. Uh-huh. In the north. This is the north. No, but in the north, like close to Round Rock. Oh, okay. Flugerwelle?
No, Cedar Park. Cedar Park. I don't want to say my address. Don't say your address. Good. Yeah, don't say your address. You live near the HEB Center, though. I know that. That's in Cedar Park. Yes. That is our home field arena here in Austin, Texas. We perform in the north. Finally. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? I did five years of Spanish.
and doing, I've been doing. Do a joke in Spanish. Face the horn players and the drummer there. I want to see if you can make them laugh real quick with a Spanish joke. Go ahead, just face that way. Congratulations to the guys sitting in the front row there. Yet another gift from me to this audience. I'm in a giving mood tonight. Fuck. Fuck.
Shit. You did it for five years. I blank in Spanish. You blank in Spanish? Yes. Okay. I have to translate because I'm talking in English and now I have to translate myself. Okay. You can't remember? Okay. I was thinking about whether to commit suicide, get married, or get a job. Which is the same for me.
Okay. Some light shuffles. Now you understand why I do Spanish-English better. Yeah. Jim? I don't think the guys in the band speak Spanish, because they don't. Either they don't speak Spanish, or she just did La Bamba.
bomb being capitalized there. Lorena, Lorena, Lorena, Lorena. So you moved to Austin for stand-up comedy? Yes. Okay. And what do you do for work? How do you make a living? I work for a law firm. So if you have an accident, call me. I'm going to get you the compensation you deserve. Thank you.
Queen Benedetto is my Instagram queen. Since the Queen Elizabeth died, I got her spot, same age, but I know Botox. Oh, shit. I dance, too. You dance? Yes. All right, one, two, one, two, three, four. ♪♪ Yeah! That's how you get a fucking party started. ♪♪
One more time for Drew Nickens. A record six appearances, four sets. - Lorena. - Special needs community's on fire. - Oh, it is, dude. It is. Drew just won. This is like a guy winning every medal at the Special Olympics. It's like cleaning house. He's doing some Michael Phelps shit. Special Olympics level.
I love it. Lorena, congratulations. Welcome to Austin. Here's a little joke book. What's that face you're making? What was that face? I want a bigger book. I've been waiting. I drove from Miami to here again, like last summer. You gotta do better.
The good news is Red Band's probably gonna book you on the Secret Show. Good catch. Lorena Benedetto, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Aw, don't be sad just 'cause of the joke book. What are you saying? I want the bikini, too. You want what? The bikini. The bikini? The girl has a beautiful bikini. I want it, too. You're not getting that bikini.
Lorena Benedetto, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes, Lorena Benedetto. Okay, you know what that means. Ladies and gentlemen, there's only one way to end a show like this. You know him, you love him. You've seen him six times tonight. I'm kidding, I'm joking.
I'm joking, I'm joking. He has the record for all time appearances on one episode of a show! I'm kidding, I'm kidding again. Ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony Hall of Famer, The Legend, The Big Red Machine, The Vanilla Gorilla, The Memphis Strangler, The Saskatchewan Slayer. This is William Montgomery!
I do this shit every week, you dumbass! Holy shit. Sometimes I walk up to a cemetery and say, that could be us, but you playing, bitch. An Iranian rapper has been sentenced to death for anti-government lyrics. The only thing more dangerous than being an Iranian rapper is being connected to Hillary Clinton.
Hey, Red Band, are you from the Everglades? Because you're the only man I.T. that's like manatee, 10 I.C., the punchline. Okay, that's a good joke. Holy shit. You know Kool-Aid gets all the credit, but Jim Jones actually used Flavor-Aid to send his flock to heaven. Jones down! Jones down! Okay, okay, that's my time. Thank you. William Montgomery, the Thunderbolt.
Lightning, the Blitzkrieg, William Montgomery. How do you feel, William? I thought the red band manatee joke would go better. It did not. I mean, I was thinking man IT, like are you from Tennessee because you're the only tin I see. So man IT, Everglades. But yeah. Okay, thanks, dumbass. I don't really care about your dumbass opinion, fucking idiot.
When I ask for your fucking opinion, I'll ask for it, dumbass. Did I just fucking ask for it? You fucking idiot. You look worse than ever. Why do you come at me? Oh, I did 48 fucking seconds tonight? Thanks for announcing it to everybody, you fucking piece of shit, Redman. It's been a great fucking episode. Don't do this to me on the fucking ending, man.
Seriously, it's been such a wonderful episode. You're messing it up for me, Rebbe. Have you been enjoying it? Let me ask you. You're loving it back there. Rebbe is messing it up. I don't even know it. Okay, my voice is actually heard. But let me ask you, because you do watch...
every episode as it's happening up there in the balcony or in the green room on the television that live streams what's happening in this room. What do you honestly think about the evening for Drew Nickens? I think it's been wonderful. I've been cheering for him. I mean, he scares the shit out of me back there when we were talking. He seems legitimately a little scary, but he's been doing wonderful. He's been great. He's been great. Yeah!
I love Drew! Drew! Okay, dumbass. No, he's great. Technically, you bringing him out here makes seven appearances for him tonight. Just a fun fact for you. It is incredible.
What else is going on, William? I got back from St. Louis. It took me 15 hours to get back yesterday. That was a horrible trip. And then, Tony, on Friday, it was very scary. I did some show, and on the second show on Friday, some guy is just yelling really loud in between the jokes, just acting just totally crazy. And I see him, and he's moving his arms a lot, so something's mentally wrong with him.
So I let it continue on and it's fine. And then I get off stage and three seconds later, he's in front of my face in the green room, which was a little scary. And then they kick him out and he got hit by a car in the parking lot. So kind of an eventful night for this guy, but it was horrible. It scared me. I'm glad he didn't have a knife. He could have killed my ass. And let's bring him out again. Oh, man.
Oh my God. It does sound awfully like it wasn't true Nickens, right? No. Okay. No, it was. No. Was he, the guy literally got hit by a car? Got hit by a car out in the parking lot.
It was by me. I hit the guy. Literally, it's literally the first body I legitimately have, Tony. I'm always joking about murdering people. He's literally my first legit body. He was totally dying out on the asphalt. It's literally, he's dead. And I hit him. He came in the green room really hot. So that's what happens. Wow. Wow.
I don't care anymore. I have that fucking skin cancer again. I mean, things are looking really bleak for me right now. So I'm literally, if you come in the green room across from me, I'm going to hit you with my fucking car or worse or worse, Tony.
Wow. You know, Tony, I actually tried All Brands Buds the other day. You really did? You tried All Brands Buds? And it was really good, but I found out it's just got so much sugar in it. It's literally like grape nuts, but soft and a shitload of sugar. Well, that's no different than everything else you shove into your fucking mouth. Holly, what are you talking about? What are you fucking talking about, dumbass?
Don't come at me. Don't announce I did 48 fucking seconds to everybody, dumbass. Minutes. It was 51. It was 51 by the end. He exaggerated by a few seconds. I saw 51. I don't know. Highly debatable. Depends on when you start the clock. Fair enough. We'll get it up there next time. We'll really get it next time. I swear to God, Tony, we'll get it next time. Literally, I'm not good. I'm shaking up.
Yeah, what has you so shaken up? Just the thing with the car. Just literally I hit the guy with a car, Tony. Is that the first time you've done that? Let me ask you. Looks like somebody has yellow fever at that table. He's with an Asian chick. I'm kidding. I'm working on crowd work. Okay. Yikes. Okay. He's up to 55 seconds now. Okay.
So it wasn't the first time you've hit somebody with a car. Let me ask you this, William. You think it's the last time you hit somebody with a car? Tony, I don't think... Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Yeah, no, I'm probably never going to stop. My voice is fucked up. I've got to figure it out, Tony. I'm going out on the road doing all these shows, and my voice is wrecked after. I'm about to have to go to Philly this coming week. I'm legitimately nervous. My voice is wrecked. I don't know what to do. You can do vocal exercises during the day when you're playing video games. Hey, Redman, how do you do it? How big is that dick you suck when you're doing that, you fucking nasty piece of shit?
And I've seen the pictures. You're blowing the fucking smoke out of your nostrils when you're sucking that dude's dick. It's the weirdest thing. Am I supposed to blow in the dick hole? Where am I supposed to blow? Blow it in the dick hole. God, holy shit. Don't do that to me. Don't do that to me. Red man roasting him. Don't do that to me, dude. Don't do that to me. He's saying don't do that. This show is out of control.
How's that sweet little dog, William? Really good. It is? No, yeah, really good. She's doing great. I love that little bitch. No, I really do. We kiss all day long. I love kissing that little girl. She's my little girl. I think there's a lot of people that are yelling out. I got you.
Sing it, dumbass. I'm looking right at your bald fucking ass, dumbass. I got a sweet little dog yesterday, yesterday. I got a sweet little dog.
Come on, Chuck! This was Kill Drew Nickens. We did it again. Read to you by Squarespace.com, EricGriffin.com, JimFlorenstein.com. Check out Everybody is Awful, the podcast from Jim Florenstein. Thank you.
Follow Drew Mickens. His social media is Lance_Corona, his rap battle name. Lance_Corona. Stay out here, Lance. Take us out. Stay out here, guys. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?
Fernando Garcia, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Dean Madness, John Bees, and Matt Muehling. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebald is in, and it is awesome. Let's see what Chris Rogers was cooking up over there. Ooh, Cam Patterson. Drew, I mean, this has been a story of your night.
Any last words you want to say before we all go home? Thank you guys so much. You guys have been amazing in here. Everyone in here, I couldn't do this without y'all. Y'all are great. Thanks for letting me tell jokes and try and be funny. I love y'all. One more time for Drew Nickens!
We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Oh, yeah. Sunset Strip. Guys, check out Drew Nickens doing more than 48 seconds at the Sunset Strip Thursday at the Secret Show. SunsetStripATX.com. Make sure you get the stream. The stream for the forum. A few tickets left for the first night at Madison Square Garden. Very few. Good night, everybody. Thank you. ♪♪♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.