#663 - DR. PHIL (ADAM RAY) + AKAASH SINGH
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Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah!

You did it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony brought to you by Talkspace and Squarespace. Speaking of space, the great Red Band's here, ladies and gentlemen. Taking up so much. Taking up space. How exciting. How about a hand for the best goddamn band in the land, huh? Raul Vallejo. Carlos Sosa. Fernando Castillo. Nachos Belgrande.

Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Eli Menendez. This is a fucking, sounds like a migrant bus. Matt Muehling on the electric. And the great and powerful D Madness on the bass guitar. You guys are here on a really special night. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible for you.

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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.

a few shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Well, well, well. You know, one of the things that I love about this show, and I always say this, not always, but sometimes I do a little brag slash proud thing.

which is like, you know, I think we were one of the first ones to really shove Tim Dillon in front of everybody and shove Shane Gillis in front of everybody and really, like, proudly feature these guys before the whole world knew about them. We're doing it again. Another great top Young Rising comedian in the world with a brand-new special out called Gaslit and also joining him, he is indeed...

the reigning, defending, undisputed, undefeated 2023 Guest of the Year. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Akash singing Dr. Phil by Dr. Phil. He's back in the flesh for the first time since New Year's Eve. Yeah, baby. We're back.

Feeling good? Dr. Phil, starting his own network, running a media empire. A lot going on. We've missed you since New Year's Eve. What's going on? Well, Heath Cordes gave me HPV a couple weeks ago. Just by hugging him, so...

Guess we'll figure that out. It was a magical, magical two nights in an arena. You got Guest of the Year awarded by another imposter, Dr. Phil, who sent in a video gifting you Guest of the Year. That was weird. It's a great time. I haven't been that fired up since Cool Runnings came out on DVD. Raise your hand if you've seen Cool Runnings. Raise your hand if you've never seen a black person. Deepak...

We'll be right back. Had to. There it is. The way D Madness raises his hand is very suspicious, by the way. I don't know if you guys noticed that. You might need a little coaching on that, D. Yeah, you got any sound effects for the weird salute, Redman? Yeah, you don't have to, by the way. No? Okay. Yeah, he does not care.

Akash Singh has a brand new special on YouTube, Gaslit. Akash Singh comedy on YouTube, the one hour special. Akash and I have been doing stand-up together for 17 years. We used to do, and Adam, we used to all do fucking coffee shops, juicy places, or smoothie places, not juicy places.

Juicy? We used to do juicy places, too. We stayed up in a Juicy Couture department store. We basically have done all of the worst gigs you can imagine, and here we are now. Sold out MSG twice. Give it up for this man right here. Fuck yeah. Let's go. Fuck yeah. One of the kings of New York landed there, 9-11, 2001. Fuck yeah.

We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. You guys have both done the show multiple times. I have another special announcement tonight. 259 people. 259. 259.

It could be a record. I'm not exactly sure. I don't think we've ever actually kept count. But 259, crowded in a bar across the street right now, hoping that one of the young Buck producers runs over there and yells their name. Then they get held backstage until it is their time. I'm going to pre-pull a name now, a very lucky name. And while they are wrangling that person, we will get the show started. You know how it works. They get 60 seconds. Their time is up, and you're the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to, "Fucking how do you fuck this up? "How, why are you hitting other buttons "before that fucking thing, dude? "It's unbelievable. "God, you have the easiest job on planet Earth. "It's a fucking the kitten button, "the same soundboard that you've been hitting "for 11 fucking years. "At 60 seconds, you hear the sound of a kitten. "Wow, impressive. "That means you have to wrap it up then "or else you bring out the angry West Hollywood bear."

There it is. And then I interview them, and we find out more about them. I'm excited, Tony. Dr. Phil, the guest of the year 2023 is here. Well, hey, you guys made it easy. You're the best comedy fans in the motherfucking world. I'll just say that much right now. And you fucking know what it is. Okay. What are you smoking right now, player? Just tooting on a cigar? Just chewing on a cigar? Aren't you supposed to smoke it?

They won't let you? Well, not with that attitude. Yeah, you got to fucking believe in yourself. Ladies and gentlemen, getting tonight's show started with a brand new minute. One of our new regulars on the show, an absolute phenom. He's in tight quarters on this show. But if you ever see this guy on a big stage doing stand-up, it is a sight to see. But this, right now, is a brand new minute from our very own Casey Rockett. ♪♪

Yeah, hell yeah. All right, cool. Yeah, very good. Sorry I'm late, guys. Police caught me playing Rollercoaster Tycoon again. Fucked up part is I don't have a computer. All right, six people died. All right, hell yeah. Very cool. Sorry to the victims. All right, we're doing good.

Hell yeah. God, it's been a tough week. I'm such a little brat. My parents tried to send me to adult military school recently, so... AKA the Coast Guard. All right. This is a Navy crowd! All right. Hell yeah. Love that. God. Okay, cool. Got myself on that one. I, uh... God.

I had a lot of crazy friends growing up. My best friend, his name was Mark McKinney, and he used to take a bunch of Adderall and play Red Dead Redemption, and he would just skin horses for like nine hours. And I would just watch him. Save the pelts, big boy. All right, I'll leave it there. Thank you, I'm Casey Rockett. All right.

The wild world of Casey Rocket has graced us yet again. Casey, another brand new minute. You look fantastic tonight. This is a new look for you. Just trying to dress up. Thank you guys so much. Thank you.

An absolutely adorable bundle of charisma you are. The ultra-likable KC Rocket. Dr. Phil, you ever seen anything quite like a KC Rocket before? No, this is my first time seeing it live. You're dressed like Fozzie Bear's agent, but I love your... But your energy is palpable. I don't know, are you on anything, or is this just all a zest for life? A zest for life. I was in small claims court for the roller coaster thing. Yeah?

Well, I don't think anybody in here doesn't believe that. Are you a big roller coaster guy, Casey? I built a whole park and it, yeah, it collapsed. I was trying to save money. I used aluminum. Red band redeemed himself. Yeah. Red band redemption. There we go. Come on now. Look, I was, there, that's what it is.

Very good. Fantastic, Casey. I noticed you came out with a briefcase tonight. Yeah, well, okay. We talked about it. If you weren't here last week, I've been a receptionist for the law offices of Tarlow & Tarlow. Shout out. Shout out Tarlow & Tarlow. And they were kind enough to represent me during my civil case, so I didn't have anywhere to put this. This is what I brought to court. Um...

This is kind of embarrassing. I guess I could show you a couple things that were in it. Oh, that'd be great. Okay, so this is just stuff that was gonna help my case. Perfect, Red Band. This is stuff. I was small claims court. It was like five or six million. And so they said, bring some stuff that you think would help with your case. So I brought a shower cap and...

Blu-ray of Shutter Island. Wow. And if you're not much of a reader, paperback of Shutter Island. Wow. I got some, let's see, I got some head shots. These are kind of nice. It's just kind of me looking kind of handsome. Big boy LaCroix. Big boy LaCroix. Oh, my goodness.

Your Honor, could it... Your Honor, you really think I could do something like that? That's what I thought. That does not look like the face of a man that would build a theme park out of aluminum. That's what I said. You could tell they didn't believe me. A headshot of character actor John Hawks. I don't know if that was going to help. It was kind of like an alternative suspect thing. It's like no one knows where John Hawks was when it happened.

They didn't really buy it. There's a bunch of fucking cassettes. There's a Hart cassette. Paul Simon. Oh. Is that the soundtrack? Johnny Cash. It's mostly cassettes in here. I think I see the soundtrack to Shutter Island in there. That's absolutely right. It's funny you bring that up. Garth Brooks. Famed soundtrack to Shutter Island. Director's cut. Wow.

Yeah, I think that was Rodeo was the song they played over the beginning tracks. Wow. This is just some stuff I've been kicking around in court lately. I love it. Have you thought about taking a gel blaster into the courtroom with you? Gel blaster, you say? Yeah. Actually, I have. Gel blaster is actually one of the better things to take into court. Huh, it's funny you bring that up. Gel, huh, follow me here.

May I present to you the Riff Attorney. Jail Blaster, this is how I would defend it. Ladies and gentlemen of the court, Jail Blaster, Aster, Aster, Ari Aster, Hereditary, Hereditary, Terry, P. Terry's, Burger, Erger. Hold on. Give me time. Damn it.

Er, ger, ger, scary, cow. Not cow, cow, ow, hurt. Has anyone been hurt by my client here? Very cool. You have the craziest brain I've ever heard of. You are great at what you do. Thank you. And no one else does that.

That is for sure the riff attorney. Can you imagine being in a court of law and hearing an attorney go, burger, erger, you know what I mean? I mean, case closed, your honor. It is... Burger erger, that's my new screen name on Xbox Live.

Incredible. Always putting on a big show, always with some fun things. I cannot wait to see what you do at the LA Forum and, of course, Madison Square Garden. Two nights coming up. We're not ready. Hell yeah. I'm excited about the future with the great Casey Rockett. Thank you, guys. So fun. Hell yeah. Have a good night. Casey Rockett, ladies and gentlemen. And so it has begun. Thank you.

Casey, showing us what a wild minute looks like. Those guys have to do it every week. Not easy. Oh, wow. Look, it's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Make some noise for Heidi, everyone. A little something for the incels on YouTube right now.

And so we move on to the bucket. You guys know how this works. This is where anything can happen. This is where we find great talent. It's also where we meet crazy people. Some of them don't prepare. We find out everything we can about them. You guys get it. Let's get it started. Your first bucket full of the night goes by the name of Brett O'Brien, everybody. Here we go. 60 seconds from Brett O'Brien. I was watching that show, My 600-lb Life.

And before the lady got on the scale to weigh herself, she took off her shoes. Like, that's the issue. Your Crocs. I'm pretty sure it's your moose heart. Then her dog started chewing on her shoes. She was like, "Dammit, biscuit. I was gonna eat that." No, actually, I weighed myself after sex the other day, and I was heavier, which I thought was strange.

I'm like, there's no way there's half a pound of cum in my ass right now. All right, thank you, guys. Wow, a great set. 59 seconds on the dot for Brett O'Brien.

Fantastic, my friend. You've been on this show before. -Yep, I've been on. -And it has not gone that well before. -Not that well. -So you're getting better. Getting better. How long you been doing stand-up now? -Um, almost five years. -Almost five years. And how long have you been in Austin? Uh, like, almost three.

Okay, where were you doing it before that? Dallas. That's right. Yeah. There you are. So you're getting better here in Austin. You doing a lot of spots? Trying to do a lot of spots, grinding, you know. Uh-huh. Absolutely. What do you do for a living again? I'm in software sales. Okay. Yeah. Ladies. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that checks out. Dr. Phil, what do you think about this guy? Well, your name's Brent? Brett. All right, take it easy. Jesus fucking Christ. Trying to get to know you, Brent. Brett? Brett. Brett, you hit the comedy trifecta of topics for me, okay? Fat jokes, check. Cum jokes, got them. Dog joke, you nailed it.

Which one did you write first? 'Cause you came out swinging, really funny, great timing, misdirection. Did you write-- are you like a cum joke guy first, or is it like, did you have the cum in your butt and then the joke came? Yeah.

Yeah, I've always... You know what I'm trying to ask. Yeah, cum has always been at the heart of my act. For real? Do you have a plethora of cum jokes? It's a fun topic. Not as much as I would like, but... Have you ever cum inside of a fat dog? Good question, Tony. How's that for a trifecta, Dr. Phil? Save it for the roast in Los Angeles. No, no. There's no roast. There's no roast. We're on the air right now. If there was one...

Specifically said, don't mention the fucking roast. It's okay. It comes out in three. He's doing the Dr. Phil roast. Sorry. Surprise. I'm doing a roast of Dr. Phil in L.A. Who's going to fucking go? Raise your hand. I'll give you a free ticket tonight. Can I plug that? That would be an honor. Okay, great. I'm doing it. Yeah. Well, you were already on it. You told me. Yeah, okay. Improv. Here we go. And here we go.

You got a sound effect to save this shit right now, Redman? Yeah, right. Maybe a fucking cat that's not a cat? There we go. All right.

So, Brett, when's the last time you were on the show? How long ago was that about? It was a year ago with Adam Ray. Okay. And so how's your life changed in the past year? What are some things that you're doing with your life other than stand-up comedy? What has changed? Well, I interviewed for a promotion the other day. I bombed the interview. That's not changed, dude. That's the same shitty life twice. Yeah.

Yeah, we're one failed interview closer. So we're, you know, yeah. Where do you work again? A software company. That's right. Is there a name? It's called Ninja One. Ninja One, yes. Is it run by an Asian guy? It's not run by an Asian guy. We just look up to him a lot. Okay. And what do you do for them that you're trying to get promoted? I do cold calls. Okay.

Yeah. Wow. Can you give us an example of what a cold call from you sounds like? Sure thing. Here we go. My phone's ringing. Hello? Hey, it's Brett with Ninja One. Jesus. What are you? Why do you sound like you're outside of my window right now? I'm scared. Yes. How can I help you? What's in Ninja One? Ninja One? What? Yes. It's getting scarier.

I'll call you back. I'm sorry. I had you on speakerphone the whole time. Can I try? Can I try? Yeah. Can I try one? Yeah. Here you go. It's ringing. What's up, Phil? Hey. Hey, Doc. It's Brett with Ninja One. Oh, what's up, Brett? Yeah, you called last night, but I told you to fuck off. What's up? You still got buckets of cum in your butt? What's going on? And scene. See you, Mitch. Damn. Dr. Phil, cold as ice.

You might have to put that promotion on hold, Playboy. It's a hot lead for me. So you're trying to get a promotion. What else? What do you do for fun, Brett? You have very, very, very dark Dahmer energies to you. You're holding onto that microphone like you're strangling a woman. I frequent Rainy at Night, you know, looking for... Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm just kidding. Okay.

No, what do I do for fun? I play golf. I go out and drink at bars and the normal stuff. Okay, what's a night of drinking normally go for you? You seem like the kind of guy that would close it up. Close it up. Yeah, I lock the doors. Funny. Funny. No, it ends with me getting drunk and usually that's about it. You get home, you think, damn it, man. You blew it.

You blew it. No luck with the ladies. My girlfriend dumped me like a month ago. What did she say? She dumped you? How did she dump you? Text? In person? In person. How did she do that? Did she come to your place? You go to hers? She came over. What did she say exactly? Let's replay that phone call. Hand me the phone. Yeah. Red band hit me with the jingle. It was in person. Yeah. Oh. Hey, baby. Oh, sorry.

Why'd you call me? I'm in the living room. Yeah, uh... Sorry, um, what's up? Yeah, fuck. Wait, she broke up with him. So how did you break up with him? Dr. Phil, it really helps to pay attention. I'm not great at improv. Burger, erger. Burger, erger, yeah. Burger, erger. This gives me a lot of material for the upcoming roast of Dr. Phil. I can't wait for you to do it. It's a real thing. Stop laughing.

Brett's trying to pour his heart out. So she broke up with you. Yes. She broke up with you. So are you guys sitting in the living room? No, front door. Just basically she was on a mission, I imagine. So you cracked the door. What did she say exactly? I think we were going to just hang out, and she came over with a lot of my stuff, so I figured that's...

How long have you two been together before? Like two years. Okay. She came over with some stuff. And what did she say exactly? I need space. I want to be on my own. That type of thing. Jesus Christ. Something about another guy. Soundboard. Okay. And what did you say? Like, what? This is kind of surprising. Yeah. I just said, why? What did I... Was it something I did? You know what I mean? She was like, no. You know, the bullshit, like...

I just want to be by myself because she, I graduated in 21 and she graduated like two years later. So she's still with her family. And like, I was trying to talk about moving together and she was like,

I'm not ready for that. Right. What sort of stuff of yours did she bring by? Jackets, shoes, artifacts of clothing. Artifacts of clothing? Artifacts? Who describes clothes like that? Yeah, I don't know if that's even how you say that. Articles of clothing. Articles, yeah. That's a whole different word. An artifact of clothing would be your king tut mummy hat or something like that.

Yeah. She brought my old chalice. That's how I knew it was over. Yeah. Have you followed her on Facebook? Is she, like, seeing anybody? Have you tried to stalk her? I mean, I know the answer to that, but have you tried? Yeah, she's laying low, keeping under the radar. You think so? Yeah, I hope so. You don't think she's getting pounded out by another guy right now at this very moment?

I'd like to hope not. Did you notice that it made you funnier? There's a thing in comedy where a lot of people say that heartbreak makes comedians funnier. Did you write the 600-pound life joke? How old is that? Like six months. It's old. How about the ass full of cum? Yeah, I've been sitting on those two for a minute. That's how he got over his breakup, I think. Yeah.

Have you written any new jokes since the breakup? Let me think. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, why don't you try one? I don't understand why people are so afraid to die alone. Because if you're not dying alone, you're dying with like a group of people in a mass tragedy. I think I'd much rather die alone. Wow. Just a little more. Yeah.

Did you get a little joke book last time you were on the show? No, I got big joke book and then secret show. This is my fourth time. Right, yeah. I'd love to have you back on the secret show Thursday. Thank you. There you go, Brett O'Brien. Awesome. One door closes, another door opens. You can catch him at the secret show wearing artifacts of clothing.

Drawing board. Drawing board.

And if I'm being honest, Miro would probably cut that time down by half. You know, with its AI tools and ready-to-go templates. Next, your diagrams become so bulky, it's more complex than the solar system. But all it takes is a few clicks and... It's Miro. I've used those technical shape packs way too many times. Now, the final question. Everyone's brought in, but you have to make all these tasks...

And like that, it moves on. We have another bucket full.

Make some noise for Sherry Veseji, ladies and gentlemen. Sherry Veseji. Oh, hell yeah. Yay. I am originally from Iran. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Stop it. Stop it.

There are no terrorist women. Come on, did you forget two seconds ago, ghilli-lee-lee-lee-lee? That means celebrate. You know, just don't do it in the airport. Yeah. You know, this idea of covering yourself up in the Middle East, it's called hijab. And in Austin, it's called a thong. Yay, let's keep Austin weird. Yeah, so my pronouns in the Middle East are...

which translates to "Shut the fuck up, bitch!" There's more, there's more. Or I will stone you. I need some rocks. Where is Cam Patterson?

Yeah. So, you know, as a Middle Eastern, whether I bomb or I am the bomb, it's a win-win. There you go. Sherry Veseji coming in hot. Wow. That was so much better than I expected it to be when I first saw you walk out. I'm like, oh, shit, this is going to be wacky and weird. But I didn't think it would be fantastic. That was a good set.

I love it. Thank you. The bomb bomb part at the end, a little bit easy compared to the rest of your set, but it was fantastic, Sherry. How long have you been doing stand-up? This last time since last May, but I used to do stand-up years ago. Akash, how does it feel to have your grandmother up here? I swear to God, I felt like my mom was up there. I got so happy. You see me smile. I have one question. When you came out and you said boo to the audience, you screamed at one guy, boo. Did you mean to say Jew?

That's what I've been trying to figure out. I think you misspoke. I think you missed a punch. I don't take sides. You are something else. How long have you been in America? Since 78, before you were born. That is true. That is true. How old were you in 78? 13. Okay. And where did you guys move to?

- Northern California, I went to high school there, then went to school in Fresno State. - And you've only been doing it for a year? - I used to do stand-up from '97 to 2003, and then it was a little bit too messed up up here, so I needed to step back and kind of clean up. - And what do you mean by that? - This is Dr. Phil, he can help you. Perhaps you've heard of Dr. Phil before. - 'Cause we're all a little messed up upstairs, and I talk about that in my book, "We've Got Issues."

We've all been knocked down and we're trying to get up again. Who said that? Jumbo Wumbo, you got it. You're never going to keep them down. So Sherry, when you're not dressing like a Sesame Street character...

Do you have hobbies? How do you keep your head clean of negative thoughts? I meditate. I got therapy. I do classes. What kind of classes? Spiritual classes. Like what? Regression, past life regression and stuff like that. Okay. So it was all in the past life. You've had some childhood trauma and whatnot. Yeah. Was this all before your move to America? Yeah.

Probably when I was in my mom's womb. Oh, okay. Your mom's womb. Right. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since last May. You just started. Kind of, but I used to do stand-up years ago. In Iran? No, no. Okay, well, where the fuck did you start stand-up, Sherry? In L.A., great. Well, you're very funny. Thank you. What's your writing process like? I talk to myself. Yeah.

during the day and then stuff downloads and I write it. Because her husband doesn't allow her to read or write, so she has to talk to herself. That was funny. Okay, granny. That's cool. So, all your material comes from... Wow. Tony, you might get a spot on The Secret Show for that joke. Uh-oh. Oh.

Raise the roof. Oh, wait, we can't. Any higher, because the ceilings are so high. It's high enough for Sherry to fly a Boeing 747 into it. So, Sherry, I love it. Are you married? You're single? You're just a fucking Iranian fucking mountain cougar just out here? I love it. I'm trying to get to the younger guys, yeah. Oh, yeah, is that what you like? How young are we talking, like Heath Cordes or like Gene Wilder? Ha ha!

By the way, I think you stole that jacket from him. That is true. I'm deflecting. I'm envious. Come with me and you'll be in a world of your imagination. Take a look and you'll see Iranian shit.

Dr. Phil running it into the end zone. 2023 reigning defending guest of the year. I think there's a lot of good stuff coming your way. You're, you know, because it's a nerve-wracking thing to come up here. No party you shaking. You're poised. You fucking grab that mic. You wooed. Everybody was rooting for you right out of the gate. So, I don't know. I'm excited to see where you're... You do have a natural stage presence. It is incredible. For only a year, it's unbelievable. Have you done other things on a stage before performance-wise?

I did a little bit of acting when I was in LA, of course. Okay. Were you in anything we'd recognize? Perhaps one of the Al Qaeda terrorist videos? Maybe the mother of an Al Qaeda terrorist. You could play that. Yeah. There's a Hallmark movie waiting to happen.

I love your style. It is absolutely incredible. So what else do you do for fun? What does a lady like Sherry do? I try to walk in the morning. I like to have a boyfriend. You're such a sweet little thing. You'd like to have a boyfriend. Are you on any of the apps or anything like that? No, I don't like dating. I guess maybe that's the problem. So like your last like hangout or hookup, how long ago was that? What was the situation there?

You and only... It's been a while. You're a kosh type of guy? Yeah, it's been a while. You and the brown guys only? For me to recognize what the junk looks like, yeah, it's been a while. Oh, shit. Oh, hell yeah. Well, I'm not going to take my penis out, but I think, you know, it's one of those things like riding a bike. I think once you got back into it, you'd be like, I remember that there were two balls, you know? Right.

- Saggy. - Saggy, oh yeah. Now what is your ideal guy? You said younger, but do you need like a physically fit guy? 'Cause some girls are into dad bods, right? - I like tall, skinny, white. - Ooh. - Vegan. - Vegan, yeah. - Vegan? Why is that part of the fucking... - Because I'm a vegan. - Oh my goodness. - I know, I know. - You think you're going to find a full grown vegan boy?

Tall, muscular. I want someone better than me. You want someone what? Better than me. Aw, that's sweet. My standards are kind of... So let me ask you something, because you have it all together here, but it seems like you have to do a lot and, you know, a lot of different things to keep your mental health proper, which is a very common thing amongst funny people. Have you ever... When's the last time you ate meat?

This last round about two years ago. And did that do anything to your brain? Did you feel better for a second there? Eating what you're supposed to eat as a human being on planet Earth? Boy, somebody listens to Joe Rogan, huh?

He's right, though. Meat is better. It helps your body, okay? And I talk about that in Chapter 11. Meat helps your body. Suck a cock from time to time and see what your brain comes up with. That's Chapter 12 and 13. I'm not completely off meat. Oh, so you'll eat some meat. When I have a boyfriend. Oh, so if a boy... Okay. Oh. Look out. Okay, now that we're here, how do you start? You're in the bedroom. What's your first move? Ah!

For real, 'cause there might be a guy out there listening right now that's like, "I need to know if sherry means business. I need to know if heavy petting is involved, if anal is first base or third base." Where do you like to start, Sherry? Take me through it. We got time. - A nice dinner. - Yeah, I'm already out, so I think that there's-- Yeah, you lost me at food and taking you for shit that I gotta pay for.

No, I'm joking. Oh, fuck you. Hold on, Sherry. We have a guy on the line right now that wants to say something, perhaps an eligible bachelor. Let's see what he has to say. I love hemp protein. It's one of my favorite proteins. We sell it at Onnit. We sell hemp protein. How about that guy? He never calls in either. That was special. It's the owner of the club, Joe Rogan, talking about how he loves hemp protein.

Oh, okay. Okay. Not impressed. My guess is he's not tall enough for Sherry. Well, Sherry, I just came out with these Dr. Phil hoodies that you guys can get wherever Dr. Phil hoodies are sold, which is only one spot. They say we'll be right back on the back. And I only give them to people that I connect with, so I want you to put that on and just live your best life. Oh, thank you.

Because, you know, and once you find that special someone, you use it to clean up the mess, you know? But I like your mojo, and I actually, I'm truly fired up to see where your comedy career goes, because you're fearless, and that's what you need, player. I always say I love the different shapes and sizes and ages and the variety of people we get. You know, all types of different artifacts of people that we get up here. And...

I love, love, love that you signed up for the show and came out with your explosive energy tonight. That was fantastic. Thank you. Here's a big joke bug. Whoa! Whoa! I can kick too. God, Sherry, making me wish I was a little bit taller. I love it. How loud can this place get for the great Sherry Bissett? Thank you, Sherry. Amazing. Thank you.

Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you right now. A very, very special treat. Before there were golden ticket winners on this show, you know, it still existed. The show started 11 years ago, and I think it was about...

Jeez. Six, seven, eight years ago, we found this guy. Probably closer to seven or eight years ago. We pulled this man out of the bucket. Maybe longer. He was in the belly room. I remember that very clearly. And he went on. He's been on to great success.

sells out theaters all around the fucking world. He was originally just literally one of the best bucket pulls ever from way back in the day. I told him, you're going to be a star. Nothing can stop you. And he's nice enough to grace us with a brand new minute for the first time in absolute many years. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him from America's Got Talent and so many other great things. Make some noise for the great Preacher Lawson. Preacher Lawson.

All right. All right. All right. Thank you. Thank you. I think that women avoid eye contact with dudes because if they look at us for like two seconds, we just assume they like us. You have one second and you got to get out of there, ladies. One 1,000. Go. Save yourself. Because in a man's brain, we like one 1,002. You're like a dream come true. That's what we think. You got to go.

It's so funny, if a woman looks at a man for two seconds, we like, oh, she want it. But if a man looks at another man for two seconds, we like, you trying to fight, bro? Who you looking at? For two seconds. Unless they're gay. But you know if they're gay or not because their chin is down, right? You can tell. That's the giveaway right there. Same rules apply. One, one thousand. Whoa, hey. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, I've never had a boyfriend in my life. I don't even know why I told y'all that, but I haven't had one. I haven't.

I had a gay roommate one time. He didn't say he was gay, but I seen him on Grindr. I was like, he gay, man. What you doing out here, man? What you doing? That's the last time we playing Twister. My name is Preeti Lawson. Goddamn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Goddamn. A legend of the game. Yeah.

My man. The great Preacher Lawson with a new one-hour special. My name is Preacher out on YouTube right now. YouTube slash Preacher Lawson. It is so fucking cool to have you back here. Man, thanks for having me. This is awesome, man. I appreciate it, man. This is awesome. You're a gangster, baby. Yeah, this is so funny. It's crazy, man. After shows, people are like, you got to go on Kill Tony. I was like, I was on there like four times. Why would I go back on? I didn't know y'all were doing stadiums.

How long ago was your debut on Kill Tony? Oh, man, 2016. 2016, so about eight years. Yep, amazing. That's crazy, yeah. And I remember it like it was yesterday. You were by far one of the best bucket pools we ever had at the time. And I remember just going, you're going to be a star. This is it. And then you went and you fucking did it. It was incredible. Yeah, man, I appreciate it. Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

It was awesome. You just have that natural touch. Back then, we had no male regulars. It was a thing that we... Because there was no females that were signing up back then. So we made all the women...

And so it wasn't even an option to have a male regular at the time or a golden ticket winner. We didn't have that built into the format of the show yet. We were lucky to have fucking, you know, funny 250 some people signing up. But back then it was maybe 20, 30 max. Yeah.

at times, but we found you and you went on to fulfill the prophecy. What else is going on in life, Preacher? I don't know, man. I'm just touring right now. I'm just touring and auditioning, man, doing this, you know, L.A. thing, man. You know, a place you love, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. No, I do love L.A. I could never live there again, but it's fun to visit and it means, you know, a lot of sentimental value to me. I left a lot of artifacts there. Yeah.

And yeah, I'm pumped about life. How's Texas been treating you, Preacher? I was on a bird yesterday. Someone threw water on me when I was... Yeah, that was weird. I think they thought it was funny. Like out of a cup? Yeah, I was on a bird and I was like, you know, this is going to be cheaper than an Uber. And then someone was like, what about water? And they just threw it. God damn.

Well, I was trying to get your attention and you wouldn't turn around. I said, Preacher, I remember you from the economy store. And you said, fuck you, old man. And I was like, well, here comes the water, bitch. Hope you're not a gremlin. That's exactly what I said. Now, Preacher, I first saw... A cup of water. Go ahead. A cup of water. It's crazy to think how far we've come from the fire hoses back in the day. Oh, man. Dr. Phil, go ahead. I interrupted you. No, that's all you, Tony. I'm good right here.

Yep. Anyways, with a Z. Preacher, I first saw you at the comedy store and I was like, this fucking guy's funny, he's likable, and he's pushing the envelope. And then you did a backflip

- Have you always been so flexed? I don't know what I'm trying, I'm turned on. What are you, when did you get so-- - I've been black my whole life. - Thank you, thank you, thank you. - I was gonna say, that was crazy. Dr. Phil trying to distance himself from my racist fire hose joke. Go straight in it, now can you explain to us how you do a back flip?

How is it humanly possible that someone with your skin color can go around hipping and hopping around? You're going to make my mustache fall off, Tony. That was more racist than the fire hose thing. It was, it was. How is it that your people are able to jump so high? We'll be right back.

Woo! I mean, that... We could just end the show, can't we? I'm like, I think... Yo, but for real, when did you know you could jump that high? For real?

No, but for real, because I'm not athletic, so I'm just jealous, you know, to even... Can you teach me how to shoot a basketball? You're putting words in my mouth, Tony, okay? I'll put something in your mouth and you know what it is. Okay, well, let's change topics then.

You're special. What's it called again? It's called My Name is Preacher. That's right. Did you forget? What's that? The easiest special name to remember. My Name is Preacher. I want to know why you named it that. Why you called your special My Name is Preacher? I named it my... Well, first off, it's my name. Right, I know that. And then...

And, yeah, I just think that that's what it encapsulates. Right. But is there a joke? Yeah, I do a joke about it. There it is. Okay. I do a joke about my name being Preacher. Right. Yeah. It's great branding. It is great branding. Well, it's a tough thing to title something like that. Like, for We've Got Issues, I just go, I said, well, what are we all trying to overcome? Issues. And who's trying to overcome them? We are, right? Right.

So maybe you guys can stop fucking ganging up on me and just answer a simple fucking question, you high-flying black guy. Now, am I in a hidden camera show? I'm about to fucking bring out Sherry and fuck her in front of everybody. If you don't start shaping up and shipping out, I'm sorry, preacher. You know I love you. I'm just trying to fucking, you know, I wanted you to share the love of your special. I didn't know that was the actual Dr. Phil book, man. It's a real book. It's come now.

Is he sponsoring you? What is this, man? Yeah, I had it made specially for this bit. No, this is a real book, Preacher, that I wrote, so... Let's stick to the script, player. That's awesome, man.

Wait, but how long have you been doing stand-up again? 15 years. 15 years. Is there a time when it gets easier, or is it just the grind of it always pretty consistent? I feel like everything's always hard. If it's too easy, I think I'm getting lazy. You know what I mean? I completely agree. I think a comedian is always in competition with themselves to get better. Yeah.

you know, to try to impress an audience in a city that maybe saw you a year ago or a year and a half or whatever it is before you go back. It's like, that's the thing. Yeah. Because if you do the same jokes, they're not coming back.

That's true. That's true. And, you know, you're fucking killing it. You're amazing. It's such a special treat to have you here. I love you, Bree. The point is, for those of you that have been watching Kill Tony Forever, it's the return of Breacher Lawson. And for those of you that don't know, go watch the one-hour special. My name is Preacher.

Out now on YouTube, the man, the myth, the legend, Preacher Lawson. So funny. And we keep moving along. Back to the bucket we go. It's been a good bucket tonight so far. Let's see what happens here. A new minute from Pedro Franco. Pedro Franco, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, I'm Brazilian, man. I love America. I really do. I think it's a great place. The only thing I don't like, I get called Mexican all the time. I'd be the tallest Mexican in the world, dude. I mean, dude, I got called Mexican by a cop. I was like, officer, how many Mexicans do you know that can see over the wall? Are you serious? It's no sense to me, dude. Trying to be a better person. I quit porn. I think that was huge for me. I mean, porn is just sad, dude. You know, everything about porn is sad. Even the fucking ads are sad.

Click on a porn video, the ad comes on. Are you horny and alone? Yeah. Why are you attacking me? I'm using your website. It's the only business that does that. Like, imagine you went to McDonald's, like, ooh, you want a McChicken, you fat fuck? It's like, I don't get it, dude. All I'm saying is we're using their website. You know, they should be hyping us up. Click on a video, it's like, you ready to jerk off again like a winner? As a matter of fact, I am, thank you. Appreciate it, huh?

- Thank you, all right. All right, all right. - Amazing. - All right, all right. - What a fantastic minute. Pedro Franco, welcome to the show. - Thank you. - This is your first time on the show, correct? - Yeah, first time. - I would remember you. You have a whole thing to you. - Yeah, the other, couple weeks ago, right? Two weeks, I think Shane was drinking and I ran into him in the street.

Remember that? No. You don't remember that? Why do people bring up random things? I thought that's what you're talking about. Yeah, I was hanging out with a friend of mine. Hold on. Just stop. Sorry. You're saying that you ran into me and Shane on the street? Yeah, it was super random. Yeah. No, it's not random. Sometimes we walk on the street, too.

How would I remember you from the street? Did you say you did comedy or something? No, he was going to drink, and then me and my friend went with him because we were hanging out with Hans. That's what we're always doing. Yeah. Okay, let's just stop. Sorry. That's what he meant. I'm sorry. No, I was just saying welcome to the show. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Six months. Six months. Funny. All of it here in Austin? Yeah, pretty much. Incredible. You know, it's funny because...

I always thought those ads before porn were like crazy, but I never really had an angle on it. It's one of the first times in forever where I can honestly say I'm kind of jealous of that bit. Like that's like kind of amazing. It's right there on the surface. But yeah, what the fuck? Those ads are crazy. We're blatantly horny and alone.

They don't got to highlight that. That's the whole thing. Yeah. It's like they're fucking with us. Are you overwhelmed with pussy? No. I'm about to jerk off. It's pretty blatant. It's a great take, though. That's what I'm saying. You have a very natural...

You know, it's right there on the surface. Brazilian porn is arguably one of my favorite categories. But I don't just type in Brazilian. I need, like, layers. So it's like Brazilian mom comes home early from Iraq to surprise Brazilian stepson who's watching, you know, like, you know, Air Bud 6. He gets bored, so he, you know, fucks Brazilian stepmom, you know, dot, dot, dot, titties, you know.

When did you move-- all right, we'll edit this out. When did you move to America? Like 2016, I think. I've been here nine years. First impressions? Love it, dude. Great place. Best country on planet Earth. It is, dude. It is. Yeah.

So, do you do jujitsu? I did it for like two months and then I came to Austin. I don't have time anymore. Right. You're too busy swimming in pussy. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up comedy in Austin? Dude, I just do this because like my visa's up so I have to leave and it's true, I have to leave. You have to leave. I gotta leave in two months so I've just been focusing on stand-up. They're gonna make you leave. Yep. Meanwhile... I know, it's ridiculous. I know. Like...

I can leave and walk back in, but I can't stay. If you want, I know some guy named Adam Ray. He might buy you a hotel if you just tug at his heartstrings. I appreciate it. Yeah. I mean, he's... I don't think buying a hotel is going to help his problem. It's not going to happen, but, I mean, you can reach out, you know? It's going to be on your bill, the kicked-in door by ICE that fucking deports him. God damn it, I didn't think you'd put me down on incidentals, too.

Oh, my God. Are there Brazilian stand-up comics? Like, how do you figure out that this is something that you could do? Dude, I don't know. I just kind of, like, I always loved it, and then a friend of mine, like, made me do it, and I had a good time. Had you seen American comedy? Yeah. Who would you like? Who got you fired up? Louie. Yeah. Here you go. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Absolutely. What do you do for a living? How do you make money? I work in rental cars. Rental cars? Yeah, I'm not gonna say the name of the place. I mean, I'm leaving the country anyways. I work for fucking Enterprise. Whoa! I'm leaving. Wow. If they're not sponsoring me, I don't give a shit, you know? Yeah, they're not gonna do it. Yeah, but that's what I do. It's boring. I don't like it. It just pays my bills, pretty much. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Being broke hurts. And I talk about that in my book, We've Got Issues.

You need money to have fun. Go ahead, Tony. What's your love life like? You're tall, you're Brazilian. I can't even imagine what's going on here. Single, bro, single. If you're vegan, I know a 90-year-old Iranian woman that fucking... I was listening in the back. I mean, I need a marriage to stay, so that would be... Wow. Let's fucking do it tonight. Wow. Can you fucking imagine? Is there any chance there's a... What's it called?

Is there an ordained minister here? Where? Everybody's pointing. Wait, there's so many of them. This is crazy. Welcome to Texas where everybody's like, God bless. This guy. Wait a second. This guy looks like a DJ in Grand Theft Auto. You're a minister. You got a badge or something? You got your ID on you?

Wait. Is Sherry still here? Is Sherry still here? Is Sherry back there? Oh, my fucking God. This could actually work. Because she's kind of what he described, or she described. It is. Bro, say you're a vegan, dude. Say you're a vegan, and she will open up every door and hole, I swear to God. We know you beat your meat, but now you got to sneak your meat.

Because if your wife finds out... It's not the first time an Iranian woman's been in an arranged marriage, by the way. This is absolutely right on schedule. We're going to tell her you're a Brazilian heir, and she might be down for this. This is absolutely incredible. We're waiting for Sherry. Can we get the little... This guy puts the mini in minister. Come on up here. Here he comes, dude. Come on. Please welcome to the stage Sean McVay, the coach of the Los Angeles Rams. Come on.

This is wild. This could be the first ever Kill Tony. He's a hot guy. I'm Sean McGay right now, Tony. Hey. Is this legal? What's that? Is that legal? I don't fucking know. We're just trying to have some fun. Whoa. What's up, dog? Nice to meet you, player. Pleasure. Wow. We found the Rainy Street Serial Killer, everybody. This is amazing. Absolutely incredible. What's your name, sir? Tal.

What is it? Tall. Tall? Wow, that's ironic. That's like the guy next to you whose name being short. Yeah, my name's Hair. Hit me, Red Band. And my name's Straight. Here you go. Your name is Tall. That is incredible. What do you do for work, Tall? I work on a credit card. You work on a what? A credit card. You work on a credit card?

Holy shit. I'm in charge of getting people to sign up for a credit card. Oh, okay. All right. You probably can't say the company, right? Amazon. Wow. Incredible. Well, you're about to probably get somebody a visa here in a second. It's incredible. D-Madness has seen enough. You're going to clean in a house?

D-Madness' middle name. 2020 Vision, by the way. He asked me if I'm good at cleaning houses because I'm Latino. Did you hear that? I thought you were Portuguese. I'm a Latino still. Are you guys having your own podcast over there? What the fuck is going on? Stick with me. Ladies and gentlemen, you know her. You love her. Make some noise again for Sherry Vesegi, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Now, Sherry...

You have such a fucking impact on us that this is the very extremely rare occasion in which we have somebody back on the show. Now, this young man, Pedro Franco right here, this tall, brown vegan. Yeah. He, let me just say. I need you guys.

We don't have instant replay, but I'm going to show you what Sherry did when she found out that he was vegan. Ready? Tell me you're vegan. I'm vegan. Oh. Yeah. That was hot. Keep going, Sherry. Wow. Amazing. So...

Sherry, we're in a little bit of a situation because Pedro is from Brazil. He's been here since 2016. And he needs to marry an American woman in order to get to stay in America. Now, the man next to you, believe it or not, his name is Tall. That might be a red flag. And Sherry...

The man next to you tall is an ordained minister. So with that said, Pedro, I do believe now is the time to pop the question. Ask Sherry. Get down on one knee. Get down on one knee? Yeah. He's literally, he got down on one knee. He's still taller than tall. It's incredible.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Pedro Franco. Sherry, will you help me stay in the greatest nation of the world? I believe I'm American enough that I could probably help you. That's right. There you go. That's good enough. That's good. Tal, what do you say? Do you pronounce them, what do you just say? Do you? Yeah. Do you? Hell yeah, baby. Let's go. Ladies and gentlemen, Pedro Franco.

Dreams have come true here. Sherry, you are an instant Kill Tony legend. Pedro, you had a fantastic minute. Congratulations. It looks like things may be going your way.

Does she get to do the secret show for this show? I'm literally trying to think of something that we could do for her. Can she do the roast of Dr. Phil? Would that be possible? I'll fly you to L.A. and you can do the roast of Dr. Phil. You've got to have someone do... Sherry, what's the longest set you've ever done? Oh, I can do 15 to 20 minutes. Why don't you let her open the show on Thursday? After Fog of the Chow, why don't you come over to the secret show on Thursday? Thank you.

You're gonna open it up. Sunset Strip Comedy Club. What is it, 8:00 PM? Oh my goodness gracious. Dreams are coming true here. Tal, did you sign up for the show? Okay, good. Now there you go. Thank you, Tal. Thank you, Sherry. And thank you, Pedro, ladies and gentlemen. Pedro, take one of these. Damn, he catches like Sherry. Woo! Goddamn. What an episode. What an episode so far.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the bucket pools have been so good that this is fucking crazy. It's time for another one of our regulars, everybody. One of the best to ever be a regular in the history of the show. This young man is on fucking fire. Here with a brand new minute, this is the one and only Cam Patterson. I'm gonna fuck that guy's wife, man. They just got married and I'm happy for them, but I like fucking old women, dawg.

That's not a part of the minute. I don't want to tell y'all that. I will fuck that old lady. I don't understand helping the homeless if you're not going to give them a house. I think that's dumb. My barber likes to go on 6th Street and get home people haircuts, and I think that's fucking stupid. 'Cause you got to understand something. They get their money because they look homeless. If you give them a haircut, you just fucking up their uniform, dawg. If I see a homeless nigga with a better haircut than me, I might punch his ass, really.

You piece of shit. Like, I'm not gonna give no money to no homeless nigga with no clean-ass drop fade. That's not finna happen. Susan, a drop fade is when you kind of cut the sides a little bit, and then you keep the rest.

I'm done. Holy shit. This is what we do. My goodness gracious. We're doing it, man. God damn. Come on, man. You have done it yet again. Yeah, it was fun. That was good. I like that. That was hell of fun. That might be my favorite one so far. Thank you, man. I like that. I like that. Natural Cam Patterson. Thank you so much. Absolutely unstoppable right now. He is awesome.

on fire. We did an episode of the Dr. Phil show yesterday. Oh yeah, baby. Get ready. Tony, Cam, and William at the same motherfucking time, baby, last night. Yeah. You guys murdered that shit. It was fun. Wasn't they had on a thong? That was disturbing.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Disturbing as shit. Somebody came out in a thong and then, you know, Cam said the N-word or something. That's my favorite word, man. You guys murdered it, man. It was fun. Cam, that is an amazing joke about giving the homeless people haircuts. Thank you. Unbelievably fantastic. Smart, funny, everything. As always, you came through riding the momentum of what happened on stage. That was fucking insane. Yeah.

Yeah. That was crazy. It's a wild show. I was asking him in the back, like, can they do that? Can that really happen? Is that legal? He said, hell yeah. That's what he said. You want to get met? Hell yeah. What the fuck, man? That's not a real thing. That's not real shit.

I mean, it'll be interesting to see. I don't know if the... I just want to kick that nigga door in and steal. You said you like older women. Do we find out how old Sherry was? Maybe late 50s, early 60s? 73. So you moved in 76 minus 13, so 63. 63, is that... Wait, no, she was born in 63, which means she's... 61, thanks. I'd fuck the shit out of that lady. You would? Yeah, yeah.

She ain't get a new chlamydia yet. I had that already, you feel what I'm saying? - Oh, wow. - What does that do to you again? Chlamydia does what? Just burns a little bit? - Just make it pee a little, hurt a little bit. - Yeah. - A little stain. - Can fight through that. - Yeah, it's good. - Yeah. - Chlamydia is fun, man, you know what I'm saying? - Oh, I know. - It's a good time. - You don't have to school me on the signs of burning cocks. - Good times, man. I like that. I like--chlamydia cool as shit, bro. - Is that one of your cousins, chlamydia? - - Chlamydia Jenkins. - I'ma name my daughter that, nigga.

You bleeding, nigga? What's going on right here? Probably. Okay. Is he bleeding? Am I bleeding? He's got a little neck, something on your neck line right there. Is this a decoy so you can steal my wallet? Why would I steal your wallet, Dr. Phil? I don't know, but if you're here, who's outside Target selling candy bars for their baseball team? Sorry, once it was here, I had to do it.

I don't play baseball, nigga. I play basketball. That's right. That's right. You told me that. Yeah, come on. You told me that last night on the show. What I love about last night's show, I can't wait for you guys to see it, is Cam opened up, man. We got some real deep cut history from you. Yeah, yeah, man. I don't know. You were such a superstar athlete and your coach was awesome.

That was crazy. - Yeah man, fuck Coach Sarge. - Yeah, Coach Sarge, you guys will see. But now, and he hasn't reconnected with you, has he? - Huh? - The coach. - Oh nah, the funny thing is, we did tell him one time, he always had this saying, he'd be like, "Y'all understand something, I'm always right. I'm never wrong. I might be wrong in the moment, but I'm always gonna be fucking right." And then the last day I seen him, he told me, he said, "I wonder why you play basketball, nigga. You should be a comedian, you goofy bitch." And-- - He was right! - He was right as shit. - Yup. - So you know what I'm saying? - Yeah.

- Yep. - Now, I have another question for you, Cam. And don't take this the wrong way. Can you do a backflip? And if you can... And if you can, appreciate you. I'm gonna give Akash the assist on that one, but... - I could do a backflip. - You can? - We learned it from birth. - Yeah. - Out the womb, nigga. We just started flipping, dawg.

Just come out flipping. Like how dolphins come out swimming, we just like, all right, let's hit it, nigga. You know what I'm saying? It's very easy. You can't flip, nigga.

I mean, I can flip a girl over if I'm fucking her on her period. Come on now. Talk to me. That was weird, but I like it. You know what I mean? Wait a second. Strange. Well, I talk about it more in my book in chapter 12, We've Got Issues. Don't let a period stop a Tuesday from being the best day ever. You got an audio version of that? I'll sign it for you. Okay. I got you if you flip for me. What?

Wait a minute, what? If you flip for me, what kind of fucking weird scenario is this, Dr. Phil? Flip for me, nigga. Flip for me. Do a flip, nigga, man. I didn't say the N-word or the man thing. I was sincerely trying to make plans for the weekend, all right? I love you, Cam. I love you, too, man. I need to see Tony tour and see Cam out there. Is it just bananas when he comes out? It's unbelievable. I don't know why you would use the word bananas. It's true.

God damn it, Dr. Phil. Absolutely. That's crazy. I swear to God, that one was a mistake. Yeah. It must be a blast out there. I bet it's just a good old bowl of watermelon out there, huh? I bet it's just like a rotisserie chicken just spinning around. God damn it. God. The man just said black chicken. He just, what the fuck?

This is great. My goodness, I bet it's just a goddamn Madea goes to the fun house. Wow. Dr. Phil, you are accidentally out of control tonight. You've got issues. When I talk about that in chapter 16 about my own personal struggles and what I'm doing to overcome them. Yeah, yeah.

Thanks for the plug, Tony. You know what plugs feel like, don't you? All right. What? Oh, man. What? Red Band, you got a butt plug sound effect or something? Okay. All right. Wait, what did he do? I didn't hear it. It was a fart noise. Oh, okay. Brilliant Red Band. Right on. Okay. My kids are watching. I love it.

Cam, you did it again. We absolutely love you. You're a fucking freak of nature. Absolute bananas. The best. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. And back to the bucket we go. Not easy to follow that. And so, on a mission, 60 seconds from Christian Alexander. Here we go. ♪♪

What's up, how we doing? We can all agree there's a homeless epidemic. Like the other day I saw a homeless lady with a fat ass. She came up to me. "Can I have a dollar?" And I was like, "With an ass like that, I'll give you a home, bitch." Poor thing barely spoke a lick of English. I was like, "What's your name?" She goes, "R-R-R-R-R-R." What a beautiful name. Took her home, hosed her down. "Mom, this is R-R-R-R-R-R. She be staying here a while."

She helped me start believing in God. 'Cause I bust her nut inside of her, right? And I was like, "God, if you real, please don't let her be pregnant." And exactly a week later, her ass got hit by a car. Won't he do it? Nah, fuck that. My car did get totaled. I'm not gonna get a homeless bitch pregnant. What the fuck? Thank you.

Wow, yet another set. Christian Alexander, welcome. What's up? First time on the show. Yes, sir. What's up? How old are you? 23. 23 years old. How long you been doing stand up? Two years consistently, but four years is my first time. You from Texas? Yes, sir. Houston. Houston. And that's where you live now? Yep. With your mom? 100%. Hell yeah. The fuck? Free rent? Absolutely. What do you do for work? Ah, well.

I work at Adidas, and it's great because I got a foot fetish. So I see a lot of hoses toes. Oh, shit. Look at that. What size do you like? Size seven. Yeah. Wow. He knew exactly what he's into there. Is that a size seven in men's or women's? Women only. Men's is disgusting. Women do have prettier feet. Is there something about the foot? What do you love about it?

The stank. The stank? Wow. You're a dirty little boy. Look. My goodness, Christian, do you have a girlfriend? No. Why do you say it like that? Because inflation. Very cheap for a guy that lives with his mother. Inflation. Do you know what that means? Kind of. Kind of.

What do you do for fun? What does a 23-year-old like Christian Alexander do for fun? Drink and drive. Really? Practice it. Practice. Wow. The Houston pastime of drinking and driving. What else? What do you like to drink, Christian? Tequila soda. Yeah, I was trying to get a shot back there, but I was thirsty. I can't demand shit. Have you been drinking today? Oh, yeah. This is Austin. Inflation, Tony. Yeah.

Do you have to drive home tonight to Houston? No, I got my dad's credit card, so I ain't really paying for nothing. Okay. Oh, shit. New Amazon credit card. All right, so mom and dad are still together. Yeah, but I wish they weren't. Why? Because, I don't know, maybe my mom might be cheating. Who knows? What makes you say that? She's a Walmart couponer, but she never has coupons. And she goes, like, every day, like, where the coupons at, bitch? You know what I mean? No, we don't. No. What in the fuck?

You go to Walmart every day, you bring back like nothing. You say you're a couponer, but you never see any coupons. Oh, gotcha. So she's saying that she's looking for the discounts and the deals, but she never comes home with any actual items, yeah? No. She comes back with like the same cereal. What kind of cereal? Reese's Puffs. That's probably her boyfriend's favorite. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Wow. This is very suspicious. What does dad do for work? I don't know. You don't know what you're... He's a manager.

But like, I don't know what, he works in She Rock. I don't ask. We don't talk. You know what I mean? He's my dad. He's Mexican. Why don't you and your dad talk anymore? We don't watch wrestling anymore, you know? Oh,

Aw, you used to watch wrestling together? Yeah, it was cool. You didn't catch this last WrestleMania? I did. Oh, my God. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was crazy. I jumped up and down when Cena came up. What was your favorite part? Cena? No, the Cena, I was like, oh, my God, John Cena. But then Undertaker came out, and my heart sank to my ass. That's true. Me too. It got me. It got the best of me too. I jumped up. It got me.

I didn't like Randy Orton though, he was a little too fat. Okay, we're getting off subject here. We're going a little too inside baseball. Christian, what's your love life like? Desperate. Really? A little bit, yeah. I like taller women. Oh. Yeah. I like them all, but mostly taller women. Wait, do you like a big foot? Or do you want a tall girl with little feet? She's got skinny ones with veins on it.

You talking about her foot? Yeah, that's what she's talking about. So you like a veiny, stinky foot? She works hard. It gotta stink, you know what I mean? She works a lot. No hair? Well, she's gonna have to work hard with your lazy ass, fucking. Incredible. When's the last time you spoke to your father, Christian?

I told him I loved him the other day. He's paying for a lot of shit that I gotta be appreciative and grateful. Yeah. Well, I feel like there's a lot of stuff you haven't said to him. And Red Band, if you could hit me with some soft piano music, I would love to role play a little conversation to warm you up for the real one you should be having soon. Okay? Red Band, hit me. I'm gonna play Christian's dad. And Christian, you play yourself in this. There's no way you could fuck it up, Christian. This is your father. What's your dad's name? Mayo.

All right, so here, you knock on the door. Hey, who is it? This is my, or is that the pizza delivery guy? Oh, shit, Christian, what's up, dog? How's Adidas treating you, player? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

How's them foot, man? You smell some good feet lately? No, I just kid. I kid, I kid, I kid, I kid, I kid. I love you, S.A., come on. I miss you. Thought we never watch wrestling anymore. Remember John Cena? Remember when John Cena came on the-- - I remember, Dad! I remember! - I know you remember. I know I used to take you to wrestling all the time, but, you know, inflation. You know, I can't take you anymore.

You've never talked to me this much. Holy shit. Another one.

My goodness. Christian Alexander, before we let you go, what's something about your life that would really surprise us? Like the craziest thing that's ever happened to you that you think makes you different than everybody else? You ever almost die or something? I was molested as a child. Is that true? Yeah, it was a fucked up time, man. I remember I came home. Like, who the...

Were you really? Kinda. It was by a woman. It don't really count. You know what I mean? Who was the woman? My tia. We're still friends on Facebook, too. Like Tyler Perry? Bigger.

Wait, what? He said "My-thea," not "Madea." Oh, I thought you said "Madea." "My-thea." "My-thea." It's a classic "Madea" Ikea kerfuffle. Wait, how old was she when you were getting-- how old were you? Oof. What do you remember about this? What did she do to you? Everything, dude. Nah, nah, nah. Fuck. What did she do to you? It's okay. She just put on a little porn.

I was like, "We're gonna do what they're doing." - Oh, Jesus Christ. - Wait a second. - And I was like, "Let's do it!" - Your Tia, for the white people, can you explain what your Tia is? - They know what's up. This is Texas. You know what I'm saying? - And also millions on the internet right now. So go ahead and explain what the fuck a Tia is. - My dad's sister. - Right. Yeah. You had ants in your pants. -

Thank you. That's respect right there. Top five molestation joke you will ever hear in your life. That is true. You're on fire tonight. That was unbelievable. Oh, my God. Hey, keep talking about your trauma. We'll think of more puns. You can read all about it in my book. We've got tissues. We've got tissues.

You know what? It's a big joke book, my friend. And you know what? Since you were molested when you were little, here's a little joke book too. First person to ever get two joke books. Make some noise for Christian Alexander, ladies and gentlemen. Great job, baby. Keep at it, player. Keep at it. Great to see you. Great joke, great interview.

All right. You know, before we get to this bucket pool, actually, we have someone special. You know, the molestation thing reminded me. There is a young teen who... Can't believe I didn't ask him who touched you. You know? What do you mean? Christian, who touched you? That's how I got famous was who touched you. Oh. I didn't ask him. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah.

Can we bring him back out? I'm sorry. Go ahead. It was his tia. What's that? It was his tia. I know, but I don't know what that is. He just explained it. His paternal tia. No, but I don't know. I should have asked before he said it. It was his aunt. Right, but I should have asked before he said it. Can the music get louder somehow? I can't hear you, Tony. I can't hear you. Hold on.

Jesus fucking Christ. All right. So moving forward, not backward. There's a young teen who, uh,

You know, wanted to talk with you, Dr. Phil. He's trying to solve some issues in his life. And he just so happens to be on a hit podcast with a new friend of the show, Tony Hawk. Ladies and gentlemen, from the podcast Hawk vs. Wolf, here to talk it out with Dr. Phil. Make some noise for the great Jason Ellis, ladies and gentlemen. ♪♪

Jason Ellis. Fuck you, Tony Hinchcliffe. Molestation, that's what we're going with. How many books do I get? I got molested by like five people when I was growing up. How many books do I get? Now's your chance, Dr. Phil. Who was your favorite? No. Jesus Christ. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Who touched you, sidebar, was your favorite? Right? I think the older ones, the women, were my favorite. Because I'm not as gay as I used to be. How old are we talking? And how old were you when it was transpiring? First ones were real little, like four to like six. And then, oh, fuck, who cares? I'm fine. Now, what are they talking about?

What do they do to you when you're that young? Because you can't get hard that young, right? You'd be surprised, Tony. I mean, you seem like the kind of guy that actually probably could get hard at four years old, Jason. I don't know if that's a compliment or not. It's not. It's not? Well, then fuck you again. You're like a tough guy. You seem like a tough guy. Like you could get hard when you're four. Tough guys get hard when they're four. That's right. Yeah, they do.

Yeah. Well, okay, so now, I like your shirt, by the way. Is this one of the girls that did it? Oh, that's so my. I'm trying to show you that I'm into women. Hell yeah. Speaking of women, Sherry, if that wedding, that thing doesn't go well, I'll drop some bombs in her bag, Dad. Oh, shit. I like... Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Jason Ellis ready to pound out a little sand rabbit pussy. You know what I'm saying? A little bit of that fucking... That was my nickname in middle school. Yeah. Trying to find out some fun from the... All right. Like three jokes hit me at once. I short-circuited there. I love it. So, you know, you said you're not gay anymore. Why don't you talk... I'm not. I wasn't gay...

I don't know who's gayer, you or me. Seriously. Like, just because I admit it, that might be the only difference. No, you're gayer than me. You did gay shit. I think the only difference between you and I being gay and people making fun of us is I back it up.

Goddamn right. That's why I didn't do a minute, everybody. But an interesting thing happened. You told me about it earlier. You were kind of gay. Bi. You were bi, right? Or pan, if you want to be, like, super gay about it. And then you quit drinking, and what happened? You're going to find this interesting, Dr. Phil. I can't wait. I don't really like it anymore. The taste or what it does to your...

What it does to your mind? That's a valid question. I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I used to want to fuck everybody all the time, anybody, like trans girls, guys, everybody. I was kind of like the more the better. How about mafferdides? Yeah, fuck yeah. Have you got one? Well, I know a couple, yeah. I did know. I knew a guy that was born a girl, and he had a vagina and a half a penis with a rubber one stuck on it, and they made balls out of his clit.

So he had balls, a dick, and a vagina. And no boobs, and a beard. Whoa! The beard really throws it off. I'm single, by the way. Can you believe that? Wait, so a ball, a vagina, and a cock. And there was a button in between the balls. If you pressed it, he would come. No joke. Are you serious? Yeah, unfortunately, yes. That's called a butthole, Jason.

Hate to break it to you, but a butthole is also a button. And I talk about that in my book, Chapter 22, The Butthole Button. That's true. You can get a copy.

I might need that, especially after this fucking thing. Well, no, you're an open book, and I like that. You always have been, right? I feel like you're a pretty fearless guy on stage and off stage. Yeah, it looks like it, right? Yeah. What do the tattoos mean, something? No, I mean, just to protect my small child fear, like terrified self inside. I went to therapy for that. I love that. Yeah. Are any of the tattoos pre- or post-gay? They're all gay, actually. Okay.

What's on your head? A wolf. I love that. And then an eagle on the back and some snake around. Like, I like animals. Me too. Small world. Yeah. TheJasonEllis.com, you're going on tour. What are you doing on this tour, Jason? Comedy.

I love it. Yeah, accidentally. Like, I tried to... I got fired from Sirius. That was a really cool moment. Right. And I used to think that was what I was going to be as a radio person for the rest of my life. And then Sam Tripoli was like, you should do comedy. And I was like, I work...

Like, how would that work? And then they fired me. And I was like, now would be a good time to try comedy. And then because I got fired, it was like really depressing. And I felt like I hated myself, which made me fit right into comedy. Yeah, that's exactly. Yeah, I got a lot of good friends. We all hate each other and ourselves. It's great. How long have you been trying comedy now for? Like four years now. And you love it.

I fucking, the best thing about it is I get nervous, I get scared like I do with skateboarding and fighting, but when I fuck up, I don't have to go to hospital. Right. I just get like really depressed and go home and like, you know, get sad like all you guys used to before you were good. It's true. Yeah, it's fun. It's a shame there's not a button that makes things all better. Oh, there is. It's just, I don't want to press it anymore. Ha ha!

Jason, thank you for swinging by. - Thanks for having me, man. - The Hawk vs. Wolf, available everywhere. He's on tour at thejasonellis.com. One more time for Jason Ellis, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, make some noise for Jason Ellis, everybody. - Very funny.

Another bucket pool. We are moving smoothly through it. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Avery Hutto. Avery Hutto, everybody. Here we go. Clap for Avery, everyone. So I actually used to date a girl who's bisexual. She's kind of like a medium gay. You want to know something embarrassing? When her and I first started dating, she had actually slept with more women than I have. But here's the deal. I grew up like a super strict Catholic, so I fucked way more dudes.

Yeah, we actually, she broke up with me because I used to beat her all the time in board games. Yeah, we'd be playing Monopoly, she'd start to win, I'd get super amped up and then I'd punch her in the face. Yeah. I'm trying not to do cocaine anymore. It's making me too powerful. Yeah, my favorite thing to do on cocaine was try to stand completely still. It makes you feel like you're hitting a grind on Tony Hawk's Pro Skater.

Got any Ketamine fans in the audience? Dude, fucking losers, dude. Fucking losers, dude. There's nothing worse than anybody who likes Ketamine. Ketamine's for people who got punched in the face and they're like, "Oh yeah, that was awesome." All right, thank you.

Okay, Avery Hutto, is this your first time on the show? Yes. I love it. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? About six years. Six years. Where at? I started in Detroit, then Chicago, then here. How long have you been here? About two years now. You love it? I love it. It's so much fun. What made you pick Austin, Texas?

- I was in Chicago, broke up with a girl. I had some friends who were moving down here and I'm like, fuck it, let's go. - Nice. I love it. What do you do for work? - I work at a cowboy boot company. - Oh, nice. - Yes. - Allen's? - Chisos. - Okay. - Chisos Cowboy Boots. - Where's that at? - South First. - Okay. Chisos. - You should come in and get some cowboy boots. - I think I might. - Okay. I would love that. I'm there at the store. - I love it. Absolutely. It's going to be good to have someone that speaks English.

Was that the dream to work selling cowboy boots? What was the real dream, Avery? Cowboy, honestly, once you get into cowboy boots, it's hard to see anything else. It really is pretty cool.

Look at-- I'm serious. Dr. Phil, check these bad boys out. Yeah, those are-- Those are fucking sweet. Those are some badass cowboy boots. That checks out. What sort of-- you got all different types? Are they made from animals, or where do you get them from? This is gonna be a genuine cowhide leather. That's our retired dairy cow. We also make triple-A grade ostrich, if you're interested. I'm not. Okay. Dr. Phil, aren't you from Houston? You wear boots. I don't, yeah.

Why aren't you interested in this guy's boots? I don't know, because sometimes I go in and out of being interested. Oh, my God. What's happening right now? I don't know. You're going to make my mustache fall off. After Cam tried to steal my wallet, I got frazzled, all right?

Wait, now, Avery, you said you had a girlfriend or no? Not anymore, no. Is comedy, did you get into it for the gal factor, or are you not trying to focus on that part? I do not get girls with my comedy. How about at the cowboy boot store? More. More girls? Some Latina baddies. Some Latina baddies? Yeah. What do they say to you? Hola. Oh, yeah. What do you say? Hola. Okay.

Pretty hot. The rest is history. That's how it goes. I love it. What do you do for fun, Avery? I like to read and write. I'm a big book guy. I like to hang out at the library with the homeless. Sounds suspiciously like what a guy that can't read would say. The words are good. I love it. What else? What about the wild side of Avery?

Yeah, so I've had problems with cocaine my whole life. I grew up in Detroit, and I may have been a wayward child smoking crack on the east side. Oh, shit. Ew. All right. Goddamn. Detroit got white crackheads? What the fuck? Wow. That's crazy. That city's falling apart completely.

You didn't do meth or anything? Just straight to crack? Just straight to crack. They don't call it crack so it sounds like more fun. They're like, hey, you want some girl? And you're like, oh, we're having a party. They call it girl? Yeah, boy and girl. Crack and heroin. Wow. That is amazing. I can't believe you're on such hard stuff. You look like you would play a Game Boy or something like that. The stress, because I was so stress-free from all the drugs. So Austin isn't the best place to stay off of cocaine at.

When's the last time you did some? So it's been, I've been in and out, but it's been a couple months now. Okay. The last time you did it, where was that? How does that happen? How do you give in to temptation? Oh, I don't like to do cocaine with other people. I don't think that's fun. I like to, I get it, and then I go back to my house, and then I do lines, and then I just write for hours and read books. I'm a crazy person. Like suicide notes, or what do you write? I'm just saying.

Just journal. Is the stuff that you write, do you ever read it back? It's not bad. Do you got any on you? We'll see. I don't have any on me. I can bring it. I can get some. If Dr. Phil did a line of blow right now, I would absolutely lose my mind. I mean, I've never done it. I was just kidding. But I think that...

I think that there's... What are you doing to your pants? -I'm just readjusting. -Okay. I thought you were gonna pull coke out of your cock or something. Uh, Avery, what do you-- what is, like, the-- like, you said you write when you're-- Do you ever do something stupid on coke? Uh, I mean, I got into a relationship, and... You think you love the other person, but really, you love the cocaine. -Right. Did she do it, too? -Yes. Okay, so you guys were just a match made in-- in what the fuck, yeah?

Did you guys have sex on coke? We did. We would write love letters to each other on cocaine and then we would have sex. Was the sex weird or was it great? It was really good. I've never heard anyone make coke sound gayer. Nothing better than ripping a fat line and writing a love letter. What the fuck, dude? It feels good, dude. Drugs are bad because you get sad and lonely, but if you're filled with love on drugs, you're like, everything's pretty good.

Wow. Listen to how lonely those women are over there. Wow. Yeah, you're not wrong. Absolutely incredible. He's wrong. Alex, fun times. You made your Kill Tony debut. Here's a joke book. There you go. Great job, dude. Keep it moving along. All right. You bet it. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. It's Angela Kay. Angela Kay, everyone. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? The lovely Heidi.

Follow her at Gina with three A's dot HG. And how about one more time for Angela Kay, everyone? So I had a colonoscopy recently. And, you know, there's really not a whole lot that's pleasant about being molested by Wally.

You know, and what's even worse than that is like the whole process to get ready for it. Like you gotta fast with a liquid diet for 24 hours and drink a whole gallon of this crap that I can only describe as Satan's jizz.

Like, holy Jesus balls, Batman. That stuff is so bad that they even tell you to mix it with, like, some sweet tea or some crystal light or something. So I did. I mixed it with some crystal light. You know what it tasted like? It tasted like Satan just inside some raspberry lemonade. LAUGHTER

On a positive note, though, I did like that Sleepy Tom cocktail that they gave me. That shit will make you not give a fuck, man. Like, it is... I didn't even care when I woke up in the middle of the procedure, man. Like, I saw them messing with this nasty, fat, nasty, juicy polyp, and I was like, ooh, that's gross. And then I woke up, it was the next day. But now I get to have surgery. It's awesome. Like, they're going to turn my colon into a semicolon. Ha! Ha!

Okay, thank you. I'm Angela Kay. Okay, Angela Kay. Finally, a bucket pool that wasn't good. All night it took us to get there. Fucking incredible. Everything's right back on schedule again. I was getting distraught at how good they were. Thank God you bombed. That is amazing. Angela, how did you feel that went?

I had fun with it. I feel like I just got roasted by Elf on a Shelf. There you go. I wore a red vest tonight, everybody. Indeed, you got me. I love you, Tony. You're awesome. Thank you. Thank you so much.

That was one shitty colonoscopy set. Thank you. It was a shitty time. There you go. That's the joke I just made. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Where at? Just here and there. I'm not like... What do you do for work? What convenience store are you a cashier at? I shop for Instacart. Oh, I was very close. Yeah, very close.

Customer service. I'm all about it. Okay. What sort of weird deliveries have you made? Like, you know, someone shows up and maybe it's Hans Kim and he's like, hey, where's my condom? Or I don't know. What does Hans order probably? Rice. Yep. So, thanks.

Thanks, Red Band. If someone comes to the door and they're being, I guess, inappropriate, how do you handle that? Well, I actually haven't had that happen. I like to just, like, throw their shit on the door and leave. Okay. Take a picture. Bye. See you later. Let me ask you something. All that talk about colonoscopies, probably kill at a hospice type of setup. Probably. What's wrong with your asshole? Okay.

So, well, you heard of the contaminated water at Camp Lejeune? Yeah. Yeah, well, I lived there when I was a baby. Oh, my God. So you have Instacart and Instashart. Yeah. Something like that. Thank you so much. Fantastic. So what's going on with your butt? You got an old leaky bum bum now? No, there's a polyp in my cecum that they can't get with the little things. Polyp in your cecum? Yes. Okay.

It's called a cecum. Yeah, there's a there's you got a cecum - where's it at? um over on the right side like right by where the Small intestines meet the large intestines Okay, it's interesting name for something like that. It's called the cecum. I'm gonna have to seek it out Okay

Seek them jokes. Can you just leave the pull-up? Do you have to do anything with it? Good question, Red Band. Wait, do I what? Since it's just a pull-up, do you have to get it removed or can you just keep it? No, because if I keep it, it'll turn to cancer. Oh, so they got to pull up on your pull-up. Yeah. All right. And what are they going to do? Are they going to suck it out, cut it out? These people all have to go vomit right now.

There's a line of people going to vomit. You're getting a little Paula talk. What's wrong with you? No, they're going to...

They're just, they're going to cut it out and then I got to like sit around for a few weeks. So Camp Lejeune, we always hear about this, right? In infomercials. Oh, there's some fans. Yeah. Tell us, tell us about it. What was it? There was contaminated water? Yeah, contaminated water like from like a dry cleaner and then the fucking Marines were like putting their weapons cleaners in the groundwater and all that fun shit. Yeah, hoorah. Yeah, they're very proud. Again, a huge fan of Camp Lejeune and...

Ruining people's assholes. Yeah, people's assholes, people's kidneys, all that fun shit. How about the people's elbow? I mean... I couldn't answer that. Finishing maneuver from The Rock. Another thing that happened at this past WrestleMania, all within ten minutes of John Cena and The Undertaker coming out. It's absolutely incredible. Back to the insides of your dark asshole. Mm-hmm.

So when are you planning on having this procedure done? Well, I have the consult next Monday. So I'll know after that. We have a special surprise for you. We had the first wedding here on Kill Tony. We're about to have the first, okay, doctor. I got some gloves. Done it before, I'll do it again.

Now, are you nervous to get the procedure? Do you like going under like that? Because they put you on good drugs, right? Well, I mean, yeah, the drugs are fun, but I'm ready to get it over with. Writing jokes about it is actually helping.

Yeah. You got to turn something like that around for your benefit. Are you going to put on some jams? They let you have music? Yeah. They put their fist inside? What do they put inside you to grab it? Some good asshole jokes. There you go. Dark side of the moon, perhaps. Shitty jokes. Baby, come back. Okay. I'm bombing now. This is great. Is Camp Lejeune contagious? This is an airborne disease. All right.

We have a little joke book, but you know what? I'm gonna be honest with you, Angela. Bones I made extra tiny joke books. Can you catch this? - Maybe. - There you go. We're gonna keep it moving. There goes Angela Kay, ladies and gentlemen. An action packed episode this has been. There's only one way to put a ribbon on something like this. Ladies and gentlemen, some people call him the Memphis Strangler.

Some people call him the Yankee from Yabuki. Some people call him the Grand Rapids Wrangler. The Big Red Machine, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is indeed Lights Out William Montgomery.

Hillary Clinton said that if Trump wins the election, he'll start killing his enemies, which is honestly a little ironic, 'cause if there's one thing that bitch knows about, it's killing your enemies. Fuck! I don't know if y'all have been following the Trump trial up in New York, but Trump's case went up in flames last week. Wait, no, it wasn't Trump's case, but the dumbass protester who set himself on fire in front of the courthouse.

But seriously, that gallon of gas cost the guy $8.50. So if he would have just waited until Trump got reelected, he could have burned himself up for half that much. Okay, that's my top time. Thank you. Huge applause break to close all four people at the table clapping with their hands up at the same time. Almost seems like this next election is a no-brainer.

William, an unbelievable set. You did it yet again. How do you feel? I feel pretty good other than finding out I got to go to the dermatologist again. I have skin cancer again right on my nose. So, Tony, I'm really not in a very good spot right now. Oh, my goodness. Is it in your cecum?

Yeah, it's in my cecum. It's right... No, it's behind my cecum. The doctor said, let me see your cecum, and I let him see the cecum, and it's behind there. Did you guys play hide-and-go-cecum? Uh-huh. Oh. Oh, a good cecum joke. Five minutes after I needed it. It's either a cecum... Okay.

Billy boy, you have skin cancer. Yeah, I have it again. You have it again. Where's it at? It's right on my nose. It's on the left side of my nostril. Can you point to it? Yeah, it's kind of hard to see, but... Can you pick it off, or... No, it starts to bleed. I accidentally scratched it last night and it started bleeding, so... Yeah, it's real downer when I'm fucking looking out of the window. I have...

Just all these people, I honestly have been looking. A lot of people moving out, coming in. It's a lot of people to watch. The fucking, the gate, the front gate hasn't been working for like fucking two weeks. So it's been a free-for-all for all these freaks coming in, fucking stealing shit from the trash can. And yeah, it's sad. I mean, when I can't be looking out because I'm dealing with blood coming out of my nose, it's sad. I mean, that's what I live for, Akash. Yeah.

Skin cancer is one of the rougher ones to get sympathy for, too, right? It is. Oh, yeah, do you agree? You fucking idiot. Who are you with, your daughter tonight? Who is that? Okay. Wow, William, so much going on.

We shocked the world on Friday night, took you back to your home state of Tennessee to perform at literally the greatest venue on planet Earth, the Ryman Auditorium, a.k.a. the Grand Ole Opry, a.k.a. the Mother Church. Yeah.

How did it make you feel up there? See what? It was wonderful. It was a wonderful feeling. Being able to go back to Tennessee where sadly my best friend Swoo died. He was from Nashville. It was a, it was sad. I've revisited his house that I went to that he found his body.

He died on the couch. Yeah, it was really bad. You can't mix cocaine and Xanax. But yeah, I went back to the house, went back to the scene. It was really hard. I mean, I was crying. A very special, sad interview with William Montgomery. Yeah, I'm sorry. I've got cancer. Oh, performing at the best venue in the world? Yes, my friend died miles from there. It's kind of incredible. You could have said anything in the world just then. Oh, man.

Partying with Jelly Roll, The Black Keys, Wynonna Judd, but you're still thinking about Swoon, it seems. Swoon, yeah. Also, Hans Kim, he threw me a vape with shit on it, so that was horrible. He was like, no, there's shit on it. Drop it. I was like, what did you just fucking do, you idiot? And...

and had to go wash my hands. It was doo-doo all over my right hand, so I'm going to get Hans back for that. I don't know why he did that. What are you going to do? I don't know. I might fucking break into his place. I know where he lives and just wait in his closet. He has a gun that I know I could get from his fucking ass, so we'll see. Yeah, I guess we will. Shit. Shit.

Yeah, we'll see. I'm not in the mood for it tonight, Dr. Phil. I'm in a real nasty mood tonight. Real nasty tonight. Whoa, he's fired up. I swear to God, I wish I was feeling better, but I got cancer again. I'm feeling real nasty tonight. Swoo is dead. You know what, William? He's never coming back.

William, you seen the new Barbie movie? Nah, I saw the fucking Civil War movie and I thought it was about the 1800s. It was not about that. What was it about? War photographers. I thought it was going to be like the fucking Civil War, but it wasn't. And you're a big fan, obviously, of the Confederacy, so...

William, you know... Let's keep this moving. Ah! Aboard! Aboard! William, it was an unbelievable set, but it seems like the interview portion this evening is a little bit serious, a little bit dramatic. Sure. So, you know what maybe we should do? I think maybe you should have a seat at the table, and maybe we put a ribbon on this episode with a brand new minute from, I don't know, maybe, just maybe...

the 2023 Guest of the Year. And a guy, and a guy, I don't know, I don't want to make any bold predictions, but I would say off of this episode alone, a guy who appears to be the frontrunner for 2024 Guest of the Year. Why don't we pull a little switcheroo, joining the panel, William Montgomery, and closing out the show, this is Dr. Phil! ♪

One more time for William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is right here. William Montgomery, dressed like a guy who works at a bowling alley but is also going to kill himself on his last day of work. A couple of jokes down here, a couple about William. I said, William looks like you have sex with girls and then you give them fleas. I thought that was funny.

Said, uh, probably say that again to myself later. William lies a lot, mostly on cardboard boxes at bus stops. So put that one in the keeper kink. Uh, let's see. Tony, uh, Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony, uh, okay, how can we call this Kill Tony? You look like you died two weeks ago. All right. Sounded better in my head on the drive over. Tony, uh, you look like the second coolest kid in homeschool. Pretty good. Yeah, this guy liked it. I like that guy for liking it.

Tony, you look like the kid on the milk carton who went missing, then got found, then got molested. So in that order. So check the game tape if you're a psychopath. Brian Redband's here, or as I like to call him, Judd Appetizer. Let's see. Brian's my favorite guy. Brian, you look like you smell like deli meats. What's going on, player?

No, Brian's one of my favorite people. Brian, you were my favorite character in Men in Black. Did you ever get that sugar water to... All right, we'll leave it there. There's more to it, but I'll send you a link. Congrats on the engagement, by the way, Brian. You look exactly like a guy who would be engaged to an Asian. No, you're the sweetest, and I'm happy for you both. Brian, you're like a cuddly teddy bear. That bear had a sex doll. What else we got?

Cam Patterson was here. Give it up for Cam Patterson, everybody. Cam is short for Camp Counselor Who Touches the Kids. All right. Casey Rocket. Boy, one more time for Casey Rocket. Now, that guy is just... Kill Tony is really giving him a platform to be himself, and now he's gonna take his talents to the garden and just cause a scene. Casey, you look like you're doing a walk-a-thon for schizophrenia.

Casey, you look like you name a flavor for your boogers before you eat them. Yeah, I like that one. I like that one a lot. Casey, you look like a model train conductor. I don't know. Casey's got more lithium than a Tesla battery. And then I just wrote, fuck Hans Kim at the end here. So that's it. That's my time, everybody. Thank you so much, Dr. Phil. I love you guys. You guys are an amazing crowd. And I kill Tony. Best show in the fucking world.

I love you guys. Thank you so much. Akash Singh's new special, Gaslit, and Akash Singh comedy on YouTube. Thank you to Connect Mobile Health, the IV Drips, Talkspace, Squarespace, Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm, Ninja Buses. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in, and it is incredible. Let's see the drawing from Chris Rogers. Whoa! A brand new William Montgomery. How

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Follow these guys. Watch them live. Do everything. Follow them. Have fun this week in Austin, Texas, those of you visiting. Make sure you catch the stream of Los Angeles live, the forum and the YouTube theater. A lot of crazy stuff happening there. You're not going to believe it. You're not going to want to wait for it to come out on YouTube. So just buy it. Support the show.

It's a huge production. We got the director from the UFC doing it. A very, very expensive, high-level production. We're going all out for these shows at Madison Square Garden in the Forum, trying to go to another level with this crazy show, which sounds fucking crazy, but I don't know. I believe in it. A lot of special stuff happening. Another shout-out to Jason Ellis, thejasonellis.com, Hawk vs. Wolf, Akash's special gaslight. Out now, Akash Singh Comedy.

Preacher Lawson's new special, My Name is Preacher at Preacher Lawson on YouTube. Red Band? I'll be in San Diego with KC Rocket in July. Go to AmericanComedyCo.com. Love you guys. So much stuff happening. Go to KillMerch.com. I designed the new NASA hoodie, which I love, and I already have two of.

and a lot of other really cool stuff at killmerch.com, killtonylive.com for the live streams. One more time for Akash singing Dr. Phil. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.