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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
This is the week. Kill Tony live from Los Angeles, California. Friday, May 10th at the Kia Forum and Sunday, May 12th at the YouTube Theater. You can watch it live online while it happens at killtonylive.com. Get your tickets now. Don't miss anything. See it first at killtonylive.com. One more time. We out.
Hey, this is Redbeck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Redbeck, everybody! Hi! Hi!
The number one live podcast in the world brought to you by Cook Unity, DraftKings, and GameTime. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? The great Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo on the horns. Not to be confused with Michael Gonzalez on the drum. The mortician Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys.
And joining us on the base tonight, make some noise for Nick Lewis, everybody. D Madness went to a different venue tonight. He didn't have anybody to help him. We're going to have a lot of fun here tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.
if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. The Morning Show is nominated for 16 Emmys, including Best Drama Series. What you are asking is unprecedented. I am unprecedented.
Reese Witherspoon, outstanding lead actress. Did you ever tell anybody? And Jennifer Aniston, outstanding lead actress. Let all the secrets come out. Billy Crudup, outstanding supporting actor. This is a show. For your consideration, The Morning Show, now streaming on Apple TV+. You guys ready to start tonight's show? All right.
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the funniest guests in the history of the show, his brand new special is out now. Rose Gold on YouTube, one of the funniest people we've ever had on. We're gonna have so much fucking fun tonight. Make some noise for the great and powerful Daniel Van Kirk. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Daniel Van Kirk, one of the rising stars of the world.
Works with the Sklar Brothers. Yes. You got it. He's back. The ghost of Brody. Yes. Daniel, welcome back. Positive energy. Yes. Arms crossed. Kicked out.
Welcome back, Daniel. Thanks, buddy. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. You've been on this show before, pre-pandemic, way back in the day. Yes, back in the day. And we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We've had a lot of these three-person panels and a lot of chaos lately. I like it. We're getting back to our basics tonight. Who knows? There is one empty seat. Something crazy could happen possibly, but something crazy is going to happen anyway because we're here at Kill Tony.
Daniel, you may remember over 200, used to be 100 last time you did it, but now over 200 human beings sign up for the opportunity, the chance to get on the show. Do we still get to stab them? Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Yes. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anger of a Hollywood bear.
And that cuts them off. And then I interview them. We find out more about them altogether, about more about their lives, what they could possibly talk about, where their lives are at, where their lives are going. All of a sudden they go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast that fast, right in front of our very eyes. I'm pre-pulling a name out of this bucket. They will get wrangled from across the street at a bar for choices here on sixth street. And, um,
That's the name of the bar. It's also the name of the thing that people that go to that bar do. And while that person's getting wrangled, I'm going to bring up one of our esteemed regulars, one of the funniest young bucks in all of comedy, a polarizing figure, ladies and gentlemen. Very, very fun.
He's in a tight space for what he is used to tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the top young rising stars in all of stand-up comedy. This is Kill Tony's very own Casey Rockett. All right. Sorry if I seem a little off tonight. I'm starving. The only thing I've had to eat today is a poached egg and three of those little plastic babies they put at the center of Mardi Gras cakes. So I'm...
A lot easier going down there, coming out, right fellas? You know what I mean? Been pissing babies, it's just tough around the holidays. Yeah, speaking, it's funny you bring that up. It's been a stressful night, I'm exhausted. I stayed up all night watching Mansour's reruns on Spike TV again, so. Remember that show? Can boobs eat fettuccine Alfredo? It's so tragic, crowd surf, watch out. It's just tough.
It's tough to think about. God, politics are so hard this time of year around Christmas. I, uh... Am I the only guy who sees one of these Trump hats and you start thinking, "All right, I kissed my best friend Barry Carter when I was six years old while I was playing Truth or Dare, and it left me really sexually confused into my early 20s, even though I knew I wasn't attracted to men." You know what I mean? This border situation is crazy. It's just... All right, I'm Casey Rockett. Thank you.
Casey Rockett, you're a wild, wild boy. He's done it again. Three plastic babies in his belly right now. So cool. I don't know if this has ever been said before, but I've never seen Carrot Top without the props.
Well... Oh, don't, don't. We got news for you. He's always got a little something up his sleeve or in his pocket. What do we got tonight, Casey? Anything? Eat piss, shirt dick. Come on now, get real. You're like a fire hose they let go of. That is a great description of Casey Rockett. I've also wondered what happened to all the background actors from Friday Night Lights. Now I know.
This is one of the young bucks. Here he is. You did great. Oh, thank you. Hell yeah.
Yeah, good laughs. Yeah, that was good. Big fun. Monday night. A Mansers reference. I haven't heard the word Mansers in probably, what, a decade and a half or so. Yeah, it struck me right before I came up. Mansers, what a funny show. Yeah, it was all, can boobs eat blank? It's like, can boobs float in Iraq? And you're like, why Iraq? Yeah, but I would watch the commercials to find out. I was always curious.
What's some of the stuff that you watched when you were, how old are you Casey? I can never tell. You have the wisdom of a 300 year old samurai legend, but, oh. - Sorry, I'm getting a phone call. Can I take it? - Yeah, take it. - Law Offices of Tarlo and Tarlo. Uh-huh. - Okay. Okay, yeah. Cool. Well, she deserves it, man. Caitlin Clark just got picked with the number one pick in the WNBA draft.
Wow. I know. Wow. Pretty cool. Love that. That's awesome. Hell yeah. She earned it. She did. She did earn it. Yeah. She had a great season. How long have you been with Tarler and Tarler? Oh, Tarler. Law officers of Tarler and Tarler. I moonlight as a receptionist in Tarler and Tarler. I should have told you guys this. Yeah. I was supposed to be working tonight, and I said... I think you still are. I could.
I kind of am in some ways. Someone called the law offices of Tarler and Tarler and they, just to tell them, whoever the receptionist may be, that Caitlin Clark got picked number one in the WNBA draft. Yeah, I mean, it's pretty big news. That's kind of exciting. Yeah. We don't get a lot of calls like that. What are a lot of... Hello? Oh. Daniel Van Gerken Associates.
Some bitch got pick second, dude. Oh, shit. The draft seems to be moving along. Yeah. They didn't say who. They just said somebody got pick second. That's all I know. A lot of people, while they're here, you know, their phones are locked up. It's a tight run ship. And a lot of you might be wondering what's happening with the WNBA draft. And...
The good news is we're here to update you throughout the evening. This is going to be a continuous thing. Red Band has the board up. He actually has a lot of women's faces circled. I think he's doing a fantasy draft of some kind. Yes, a leopard has something to do with this, believe it or not, of all things. Casey, what else is going on in your wacky world?
That's a big one. It's tarlo or bust for me. So it's been 50, 60 hours a week, and it's hard to keep up with... God, life's been crazy around the holidays. So it's been cool to...
I see it. I don't see it as work. And I don't see this as work, like you said. I mean, this is so cool. Have you met any of the Tarlers? I've never heard that last name before. Is it Tarler or Tarlow? Tarlow. Oh, God forbid. It's Arlo, Tarlow, and Scarlow. Oh, my God. What are the odds of that? Yeah. Yeah, just one of those freak accidents. It could have happened to anybody. It was... Yeah, it's Carlo Carlo and Starlow Garland. And...
They're two of the most prestigious personal injury lawyers in Fort Lauderdale. So I got hooked up with them a couple months back, and it's pro bono right now, so I'm doing it for free. But you'll end up paying off in dividends. Casey, I mean this with sincerity. You would be the greatest first date I've ever had.
Play your cards right, I'm a sweetie. Hey, I'm dealing, partner. I'm dealing. Where would you take him, Daniel? Where would you take Casey on a first date? Obviously Cheesecake Factory. Oh, yeah. 100%. I want to see this man eat brown bread before I make any decisions about life. Oh, yeah. Where would you want to go on our first date? Where would you want to go? Come on, we're just a couple of confused former six-year-olds. Where would you want to go?
Oh, God. You can't say Chili's. Knoxbury Farms, I guess. Ooh, you want to go to Knoxbury, dude? Yeah, that'd be fun. What is this, the final four episodes of The Bachelor? We're flying out to Knox? Yeah, that would be cool. Yeah, Dracula's Castler. Nope. I think I got scared saying Dracula, and then it transferred to the castle part, too. Dracula's Castler is another one of the best law firms out there.
Casey, we absolutely love you. You did it again. You got the show started. Silly. Likeable.
Beautiful, beautiful boy. Casey Rockett has us started. And now we go to the bucket. A lot of you guys know how this works. Could be a future legend. Could be an insane person that signed up for this for no reason with no preparation whatsoever. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Joseph Kirkhimi, ladies and gentlemen. Joseph Kirkhimi, here we go. What's up, everyone? I'm a half Middle Eastern, half white.
Just thought I'd solve the mystery for everyone. I know it's a little bit confusing when I walk up here. Look a little bit ambiguous. I get Mexican-Jew a lot, which I know in Texas is a scary combination. I actually do stage magic. So if you guys want to see a trick. No? Okay. I'm gonna do it anyways. Alright. Jewish, Hispanic. I mean on stage that tricks whatever, but at the bank...
That trick, it works. Your loan's been denied approved. My girl and me have been together for a little bit. My favorite thing about her is she does OnlyFans. Yeah, it's cool because anyone can subscribe to their profile and pay them to do a custom video. Anyone can do that.
And I don't have enough time to finish this joke, so I guess now you know my girlfriend is OnlyFans. That's it. Go ahead. Finish it, Joseph. I was gonna say, so she came up to me a couple weeks back. She was like, "This guy subscribed to my profile, and he paid me to make a video where I suck your dick and make you a sandwich." And he was really specific about the ingredients.
It's like, that's wild, but I really want that roast beef sandwich on rye. That would be... All right, thanks, everyone. Joseph Kirkimi. Okay. Hi, Joseph. How are you? I'm good. This just in. Jameriquai Jenkins picked third in the WNBA draft. Just a heads up before we get to our new friend, Joseph. That's breaking news. Jameriquai Jenkins. I do believe one of John's cousins...
Pick third. So we'll be getting updates throughout the evening here in the WNBA draft. Joseph Kirk Kimme, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About three years. Three years. Where at? Mostly Tampa. Tampa, Florida. That's where you live. That's where I used to live. I moved here recently. Okay. How recent did you move to Austin? Like two weeks ago. Nice. How do you like it? I like it. Yeah. No, it's cool. A lot of comics. A lot of cool people. Definitely. It's all going on out here. How do you make a living?
I'm a software engineer. Oof, all right. Well, right now, an unemployed software engineer. All right. I'm sure that'll work out for you. I hope so. Daniel Van Kirk, what do you think about this young buck? I thought you did good. You sort of double-tapped the identity joke.
Like you kind of, you get a laugh out of it and then you go for the profile. I'd probably move that up in front just a little bit. Like I would come up with this. So like, I know you guys are trying to figure out who I am. Like, if you look at me straight on, I'm this, but you look at me like this, I'm this. Like, boom, like get to it right away. I agree. And then also, if you set up another plant and you're OnlyFans, but I got two things I love with my girlfriend. She makes great sandwiches and does OnlyFans. And then you go later and you say what the person's requested. That's going to be the callback hit for the audience as to what you requested.
what the joke was. Because otherwise you had to like string bet it. Look at that. Daniel Van Kirk making Joseph Kirk Kimmy 400% funnier in 20 seconds. Absolutely incredible. Only because I care. Yeah, no, I appreciate it. And I don't know if you're going to stab me or give me a loan. No, I don't.
Look at that. Lone stab. There's a loan. You never know. Lone stab. What a great steakhouse. You fucking gem. You fucking beautiful gem. So, Joseph, what's the other half Middle Eastern? Assyrian. Oh. Oh, my. Assyrian. Like a possum. Yeah. Just kind of sneak it in. I might use that now. I mean, yeah. Take it. We're going to write a whole different...
A whole different set for you. Yeah. Like, after you do the profile joke, you're like, fuck you all, I'm John Turturro's kid. Like, do that joke. Yeah. I'm Andy Sandberg after an airbag hits him in the face. Yeah. See? See that big, loud laugh? I'm the guy that taught Patrick Swayze to move a penny. Go with that joke. Thank you. Good reference. Good reference. Great reference. Anybody? Great reference. Ghost, you fucking heathens. Yeah. Yeah. You're that guy. Yeah.
I get John Turturro a lot, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Anyone with a big nose, I get. That's basically... Yeah, Gonzo. I've got that, yeah. I love it. I love it. So what do you do for fun, Joseph?
I like to, well, a lot of things. Video games, take ADHD medication, play video games. That's always fun. Okay. You're talking about Adderall? Yeah, that one's good, yeah. Yeah, you stay awake and you play video games. Good time, yeah. How many mils are you up to? What are you rocking right now? Dude, if you're less than 40, you're a bitch. No. Yeah, dude.
I want you coasting all day, motherfucker. Make me eggs at noon and midnight, dude. Not fun till your heart starts palpating. It's not fun till your heart starts palpating. That's what I say about video games. Abso-fucking-lutely. Is the girlfriend real? Yeah, she's real. And she's really on OnlyFans? No, it's like half a truth. I did used to kind of date a girl who did OnlyFans. I didn't subscribe to her page, but I did offer to run it.
Hell yeah. I thought it would be funny. Like, I'd be like, oh, there's comedic material in here. And that's the only joke I really got out of it. Besides that, it was really sad. It was pretty sad, actually. Like how you ran it or her performance?
Both? Just all of the above, I guess, yeah. We can help her, too. We're going to give her some punch-up and make her OnlyFans a lot better. What did she specialize in on the OnlyFans? This girl that you used to put your little Assyrian dipstick into. Oh.
I mean, I don't know if she had like a specific fetish. You never asked her what she does on her OnlyFans? Well, no, I knew what she did. I ran the page for a bit. If I may, you are a horrible manager. You just took off her clothes. That was the fetish. I don't know, getting naked. Little feet stuff. I don't know. Oh, feet stuff you don't know? But like, it wasn't like heavy foot stuff, you know, it was light foot stuff. Whatever that is. Talk slower. Ha!
So she took her shoes off. She had little tiny feet? No, not that tiny, just regular. They weren't like deformed, tiny, miniature feet? No. They were pretty average feet, I don't know. Okay. Red Band, did you have... What's her name on OnlyFans? That's not... There you go. Red Band.
All right. Joseph, you are an interesting person. You are half Jewish. Is that correct? No. Or is that just a joke about your nose? Yeah, it's just about my nose. Yeah. I'm a Syrian, so Christ came along and we said we'd rather do that. Like, we were Jews before. Right. And then the Christians were like, we're going to fucking kill you. Yeah. And they're like, we can eat pork. And I guess my ancestors were like, cool, let's do that. Fuck yeah. Yeah.
Are any of your parents still strict about the religion and everything? No, no, not really. I mean, like, they go to church every once in a while, but, like, the holidays and shit. So you do stand-up, you work in software, but you're unemployed. What about the wild side of Joseph Kirk? Can you give me something crazy that you do when you're not Adderall Dow playing video games? Jesus fucking Christ. Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa, go ahead. Wild side of Joseph. Wild side. I don't know if I... The wildest thing you've ever done in your entire fucking life, Joseph. Let me make it easier for you. The wildest thing I ever did in my life. Could be anything at all. Maybe you went snowboarding down a black diamond level hill or something like that. It could be fucking anything. You're from Tampa, dude. You've definitely been shot at. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know if that's the wildest, though. Being shot... Well, no one shot at me, but it's been...
know the vicinity you've been brandished brand we're trying to help you here come yeah yeah I mean you have your entire life to reference wildest thing that I can think of right now and I guess this is I don't know why I'm saying this on perfect that's the correct answer whatever that is go right ahead
And here we go. Who's ready for the answer of the question of two minutes ago? Here he is, live on a podcast with the answer we've all been waiting for, the wildest reference of his life. The lights come down. This is Joseph Kerkimi.
All that build up, this is going to be disappointing shit. Oh, wow. You're still setting it up, ladies and gentlemen, having no idea how an interview works. Here we are, loading it up. Final answer. Joseph Garcini's wildest moment of his entire life. I had a Molly-fueled foursome in Las Vegas with two Latina women. Okay, there you go. That's not disappointing at all. You're right. How would anyone get comedy out of that? Right.
Four, foursome with three Latino women. Two and a white girl, yeah. Two and a white. Yeah. I don't know why I included their Latina. I felt like that was added to it. We just got word those two Latino women and the white were the last three picks in the WNBA draft. So you're doing something right out there. Oh, there goes one right now to accept the new. There you go. Welcome to the team. That's the newest WNBA player right there.
There goes Jamiroquai Jenkins to put on a jersey. It's absolutely incredible. This is a star-studded audience, ladies and gentlemen. I've never seen a WNBA player with a full goatee, but that was incredible. You never know what's going to happen here. So tell us about this foursome. I mean, you seem like you would be overwhelmed with one.
Let's just jump right into it. Vegas is crazy. Yeah. I don't know. Molly's a hell of a drug, I guess. I may see you think things are normal. What kind of feet these girls got? Yeah. The
The Latino women had small... Six feet. Yeah, it's like size five women's. So let's talk about how you would get into something like this. Was it planned? No. Did you know these women beforehand? No. I mean, you take us through the evening. Instead of Detective Van Kirk over here doing his work for Tarler and Tarler Law Associates, just take us... Give me a second. I can break them.
Let this poor Jewish, I mean Latino man. Barton Fink. Yeah, I guess the evening was we went to an EDM concert, you know, like you do when you're on Molly. And then we ran into the... Keep going. Oh, shit, that's for me. Okay. Welcome to show business, Joseph Kersar. Oh, shit, I'm on stage. What is this?
You guys aren't gonna like this answer, but I once did heroin and slept with nine black men. I guess that's the wildest. Good luck talking about that.
Okay, Joseph, what happens here? Let's just take the Molly out of the equation. You're blaming, I can already tell you're blaming everything on the Molly. Where'd you meet the girls? What the fuck happened? Let's go. So we just met them at the, well, we met one of the friends at the concert and she wasn't a part of the foursome, but she introduced us to the two other women. And then we said, let's go to strip club. And we were there till like 6am. Uh oh. Were you doing drugs there? A little bit, yeah. What were you on there? Um,
Just a little. With a nose like that, I don't think you did a little of anything. A nose like that, I think you did it all. So yeah, just nose things and then...
All right. Joseph, I'm going to let you off easy. Good job, buddy. You did it. You are the first bucket full tonight. There he goes. Joseph Gorkimi. Brand new to Austin, Texas. Two weeks as a Texan. Have fun, Joseph. There he goes.
Another bucket pull ready to go. Here we go. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Maddie G. Oh, make some noise for Heidi, everybody. Wow. Thank you, Heidi. All right. Here's Maddie. Make some noise for Maddie G, everyone. Here we go. What's up, guys? We got any immigrants in here? I thought I smelt you. Yeah. I used to sell guns to get through college.
I didn't know that they were buying guns to take to college. Yeah. When you're selling guns, you get really good at it. And you can tell what gun you're going to buy just by what race you are. 12-gauge shotgun. Black people, they don't like any specific gun. They're more about the accessories. They'll always come up to the gun counter and be like,
My man, let me get that one right there with the beam on it. And I would just be like, yes, sir, right away, man. I got you. And then Asian people, they wanted one specific gun. The Grokka 19. Thank you, guys. Wow. Look at the slow wave off after rugged racism. Incredible. Matty G, opening up with an immigrants joke. What ethnicity are you? I'm a...
but Mexican. Yeah, you're Mexican. Don't you think it's kind of weird, a Mexican guy coming out going, I thought I smelled you. Because that's like your people. The immigrants are you. I can say that. Oh yeah, I can say it too. Look at that. It's wild. Daniel can say it too. And he looks like fucking Hitler's right hand man. I could.
I look like you know where I was on January 6th. Cheesecake Factory. The speaker's podium. Make way! Make way! That's me. I barely recognize you without your bull horns on. Let him speak! Let him speak!
Maddie, you were just on this show recently, right? Yes, sir. I remember because I found out that you sold guns during that interview portion. And so here we are again. Here you are. And you talked about immigrants selling guns, black people, and then Asian people. Yeah. Remember?
Remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've only been doing it, this is like my 12th mic. Your 12th mic. So you've been doing it other places. Two of those 12 spots are here? Yes, sir. Right. Okay. Why is your work ethic so terrible? What kind of Mexican are you? See, he can say it. Yeah, he can say it. I said it.
I'm going to be in big trouble. I'm trying to support my family. Do you have a family? By doing mics? Because you are horrible at supporting your family. Not on content, just on getting up. How big of a family do you have? Just me. There you go. A lot to support there.
A lot to support. Matty, what did we find out? What did we not find out about you after your last interview that you think would be interesting? You have had, what, a few weeks to think about it? Yeah. Okay. I sleep in a hammock right now.
oh wow that's nuts yeah I actually once accidentally did that before I had a low budget and I bought a hammock uh when I first moved to California I was stoned out of my mind and I'm like I have a thousand dollars to spend on a bed we went to a like a uh was that like a Costco there was a hammock for like 80 bucks I'm like that'll work I'm California living out here I was on the floor that night
It turns out you can only last about an hour and a half max in a fucking hammock before you have the back of a 100-year-old man. So how many nights have you slept in a hammock, you creepazoid? Probably like a year and a half. A year and a half in a hammock. It's nice. I got the sleeping bag. It's not as cold at night anymore.
So, yeah. - So you have a sleeping bag that you get into inside of the hammock? - Yeah. - Wow, there is just layers of stupidity happening here. These are the people that get a good night's sleep before selling guns to whoever asks for one. - So if you wake up in a hammock inside a sleeping bag and realize there's a fire where you live, you're just letting it go, right?
It's going to get me eventually, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, no, it's going to get you right away. Yeah. You're not getting out. Yeah, you're stuck in a net. Yeah. Can I ask? Sorry if we covered this. No, go ahead. Indoors, though? Yeah. Okay, great. Upstairs, yeah. Wait, what? Upstairs, yeah. Here? No, not here. No. What are you, the most generally speaking person in the world?
Well, indoors, upstairs. It's an upstairs hammock. Upstairs? Not the brag you think it is. No, I just want clarity. Upstairs? Penthouse. Wow. Okay, so you're upstairs. It's an above-ground hammock. Yeah, I'm upstairs. Hammock is mounted to the wall? No, I got a hammock stand.
Wow. That actually is a pretty cool brag. Again, I've been there. It's not. I was 18 years old. I bought a fucking hammock with a hammock stand. I thought I was a genius. And again, it's unusable. How much pain are you in all the time?
A lot, yeah. This is incredible to meet someone else that's fucking made this mistake, but you just stuck with it. Yeah, so I'm trying to buy a house, so I was like, oh. Well, first comes the hammock, then comes the full-grown house. Two-level house you're looking to buy, perhaps? Three, if I'm lucky. Wow, three stories. Why wouldn't you start with a bed first, though? Because I didn't want to move it in and then have to move it out.
Right. It's really easy to, like, pack it up and go. So you're going to have house money but not movers money. No. I think you might be putting the cart in front of the horse here, my friend. You might want to get a good night's sleep before making such big decisions. I've never needed movers. Like, I have a lot of cousins, so they just come over and... Then why is the mattress a problem? LAUGHTER
You know, I never thought of that, actually. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. We got Daniel Van Kirk here fixing people's sets and their lives one step at a time. Let me ask you this, Matty G. You ever get a lady back to that hammock? You ever trap her in the net? Now, look, if I get in first...
You're going to have to come in straddling. You can't get on then straddle. Before we go into my bedroom, I got to ask you, you want to be on top or bottom? I've had a great time with you tonight. You say you and I go upstairs. You fucking wild card. You ever do it? You ever go fucking slam it on the hammock? Slingshot it? You ever take a Betty to the netty?
Yeah, so you got to like do it like there's a special way you got to do it. Froggy style. Show us the way. Show us how you would fuck Daniel Van Kirk on your hammock. Okay. There he is. There he is. He's ready for you. Where do you begin? Oh, foot fetish. Foot fetish. Look out.
Well, wait a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Let's take this one step at a time, Matty G. You're entering the hammock from an impossible region. No, no, no, no. You just tried to fucking video game us into believing. You can't do that. What are you doing? You can't go through. I'm all roped up with the stand, bro. Yeah, the stand is there. Oh, he's pointing to his brain, everybody. Look out.
Shit's about to get really interesting. He's like, wait till you find out what daddy's cooking. You're thinking about it wrong. You think that you're laying the length of the hammock. You lay sideways. Sex swing. So you're using a big old-fashioned sex swing. Yep. Well, then get over here.
Are we allowed to have full release on this show? I don't know what happened. Make him come, Matty. Make him come. Wait a second. Wait, wait. So where is the fucking hammock during this? Oh, it's sideways. It's like that. Oh, you have him sideways on the hammock. Yeah, he's pretending he's the weirdest guy at the playground.
It's like a sex swing almost. Yeah, a sex swing. It's like a sex swing. So you have to stand. You can never be laying down while having sex in your hammock. Yeah. That's the downside of it. That's the downside. You know what, though? He got a sleeping bag. He's warmer. That's all it. That's true.
So have women spent the night on your hammock? - No, they usually leave like 30 minutes. - Immediately. Like, well, no doubt about it, I gotta go. There's a 0% chance of staying the night on a fucking hammock. It's kind of a good idea. - Yeah, no shit. If this guy's got a fucking hammock, you think he's cleaned a bathroom mirror in his life?
That's such a good point. Is there a lot of stuff on your bathroom counter? I actually don't have a bathroom mirror. Tell us more. Well, we just renovated it, and so I was like, ah, I don't need a mirror. So I just use my phone to shave and stuff like that. Fucking incredible. So, uh...
Is there a shower? Yeah, there's a shower. There's a sink? Yep. There's a toilet? Yes, sir. This is all on level two? Yep, level two. Unbelievable. What a life of luxury you're living. Mirrors are expensive. That's why I'm getting the house, yeah. Yeah, of course, of course, of course. I want the mirror. You ain't got a damn old mirror. What's the point of getting a mirror for? You got to move it. What's the point of getting a mirror for? You got to move that son of a bitch.
You're gonna be running around town with a goddamn mirror? Fuck that, dude. New place, new mirror, motherfucker. - Matty, an incredible, an incredibly educational performance and another very, very interesting. It's always amazing to see how people are living out here. There he goes, everybody. Matty G. Wait, Matty. Matty, come back out here. You got a little joke book last time, didn't you? Yeah, give me that back. You don't get two of these fucking things.
You don't get two. You don't get two. This motherfucker will be using it as a pillow. Yeah. God damn it. Your next comedian. This looks like a brand new name. Make some noise for Isaac Kane Brown, everybody. Isaac Kane Brown. So I grew up with a little brother with Asperger's.
I don't know if anybody has a family member with an Asperger's here, but growing up with a little brother with an Asperger's is a lot like owning a pit bull. Like, they're good with the family, but I gotta explain a lot of shit before you come over. Like, don't look him in the eyes, no sudden movements, and if he makes you uncomfortable at any point, I'll chain his ass up outside, it's fine. Really, the only bad part is when I take him on walks and he barks at black people. That's a hard one to explain.
And you know, I try to tell him, dude, let bygones be bygones. But he still hates it when those fuckers kiss in public. You know what I'm talking about? I've been trying this online dating thing out. So I've been working on pickup lines. And I've been telling women I have a black dick. Not because it's a full dick, because it's like three-fifths of a dick. You know what I'm talking about? That's all I got. Fuck yeah. Yeah.
Isaac Kane Brown, welcome to the show, Isaac. How are you? I'm doing good. How about you? I'm great. Thanks for asking. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Isaac? Barely two years. Barely two years. I love it. Do you also not have a mirror? It is incredible. You look like iron deficiency John Mayer. It is amazing. An incredible look.
You look like an opposite version of the show Entourage. Like a guy that spends all his time by himself. Maybe a second floor hammock at best. So where do you live, Isaac? Here. How long have you lived here? A year now. Where'd you move from? Illinois. And what do you do for work? Nothing. How do you survive? Technically, I have a sugar mama. Really? How long have you been with her? Three months now. And what does she do?
I think she's in like tech or something. I don't know. You never asked her the woman that supports you and that you fuck. Yeah. You never asked her what she does for work. Well, she's married. Oh, this is all very interesting. This interview just took a turn for the good. She's definitely married. Does she have a family?
No. Well, no kids. Okay. Perfect. And where did you meet this young buck? Ooh, Bumble. Bumble. Yeah. And you went on a date or did you go straight to your place? How did it start? Oh, I think somebody hit pause. Yeah. We just... Well, she just invited me over.
Over to her place? Yeah. Where the husband was at work? He wasn't there. Well, where's the husband? I don't know. You check behind the curtains? I bet he was watching. I don't ask questions. Hey.
I don't ask questions. Were there like pictures of her and him in the place or anything like that? Oh, yeah. It was pretty bad. Like the whole hallway was lined with them. With pictures of them together? Yeah, their family all together, the wedding photos, everything. The vacation to Jamaica. Okay. And she took you straight to her bedroom? Yeah. Where he sleeps at night? Yes. And you made love to her? Yes. And what is the first thing that you did exactly when you did that?
Well, like after I come or before I come? Before you come. As soon as you walk into the bedroom, what do you do? You take off your shoes or wear your shoes off at the door because she's running off? Well, first I looked at the pictures and went, that's weird. And I was like, that's probably just like a fun collage or something. Right. And then I fucked and I came and I was like, well, this is probably pretty bad and I shouldn't be doing this. And then she's like, you want some money?
Well, I just, she just kind of sends the money over cash. What's your rate? What are you getting? Great. Great. Great question. I appreciate that. That was funny. I'm genuinely curious. Wait, do you mean like overall how much money I've gotten or how much money I get each time? Each time. Yeah. I mean this, you know, we're not doing real world's world rules challenge where we've added up. This isn't squid game. We got a bank going. I want to know what you're getting like a week or a month. Two to 300. A week? Yeah.
Just when I ask. You should ask more. Yeah. I do. Two to three hundred bucks, you're like, hey, hook me up. Can I? How does this? God, I'm so confused. Also, back to your stand-up really quick. I think it was racist, but it really confused me at the same time. Yeah.
So I don't know? Okay, so... Well, let's stick away from the stand-up. Let's stick with this... No, I know, but I had to get that out because I didn't know if I was dumb or not. Has she ever offered to iron your T-shirts for you? No, not at all. No, you don't say. Yeah, we can tell. So... Go fuck yourself, dude. Wait, who are you talking to? You. You're telling me to go fuck myself because you have a wrinkly shirt?
Wow, Isaac, you're going to be a wild success in this business with thick skin like yours. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.
How dare you say my wrinkled shirt is wrinkled? Oh, dude. You're killing it, Isaac. I love it. Let's find out more about you before you fuck this up even more. Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Are you good at anything? No, not at all. No, not at all. No. What do you do for fun? Okay, tell us how you're a piece of shit. Well, I'm fucking married women. That's probably like number one. Other than that, we already know that about you. Anything else?
Unemployed veteran. Oh, you're a veteran. Yeah. Okay. What branch were you in? Marine Corps. Okay. And did you serve overseas? I did. Okay. Tell us about that. Anything interesting happen over there? What do you mean interesting? You're asking if I killed people or something? That would be interesting. Okay.
Can I go back to interrogating? Sure. Daniel Bancurk. How long did you serve? Four years. Where were you deployed? Iraq would be the most notable one. Now when Tony asked you what you did over there, your first thought was killing people. Does that mean... It's the same question everybody asks every single time. They ask you that a lot? Yes. Why do you think people ask you that?
I don't know. Movies and shit. Movies and shit. You like movies? No. There's a lot of anger. You have a lot of anger in you. I'm really close. I'm really close. Okay. Do you think you'll keep seeing this woman that gives you $200 to $300 occasionally? Eh, for a little bit. Do you like her? No. I think what we all want to know is, are you planning on killing her? Nothing further, Sergeant. Case dismissed.
I love it. Isaac Kane Brown, congratulations. And you got pulled out of the bucket. Here's a little joke book. Isaac Kane Brown, ladies and gentlemen. I saw the, I saw the, he killed people. Yeah. I saw it in his eyes.
on the wrinkled shirt line. Did you know I used to be... I don't know if anybody noticed. You're a fucking piece of shit. I know. Hey, don't make fun of a man's uniform, okay? All right, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to get one of our esteemed regulars up here, one of the greatest to ever do it on this show. This is a brand new minute from Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Shut up, bitch. Shut up.
Been talking all night. Shut the fuck up, bitch. Nah, I'm playing. I love you, White Lady. I'm not having a good time. I'm pretty mad about life right now. I've been talking to this girl for a couple months, and she's been pretty cool. But a couple days ago, Drake followed her on Instagram. Yeah, you feel me, nigga? And I don't know what to do now, dog. Because it's like I lost. I've already lost the game. Like, bitch, that's Drake. You feel me?
Like even if it do come down to it and she pick me over Drake, that bitch don't make good decisions. My own mama would pick Drake over me, that's crazy. My homeboy tried to tell me like, "You gotta understand something bro, like you getting better in life, you getting bigger, more people know who you is. Now it's kind of like Drake is like the Avengers, but you like the Guardians of the Galaxy."
Let me explain something to y'all. The Avengers have like real superheroes on their team, like the Hulk, like Thor, like Spider-Man. Them real superheroes, dog. The Guardians of the Galaxy has a raccoon, a fucking tree, and a regular guy with gumption. Nigga, that's crazy. That guy's so good. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Did it again. Cam Patterson. Very funny. Very funny. Uh,
Unbelievable. Sleeps not on a hammock. Hell nah. Has a mirror. Hell yeah. Everything is lined up. Oh, wait a minute. This just in. Marquesha Davis just went number 11 in the NWFJ. Marquesha Davis, congratulations. I do believe she's in the audience. She's right over there. Hey, real shit. That's a real name, nigga. She really just went number 11.
Marquesha? I swear to God. Well, wait. We're getting word. Drake just followed her on Instagram. Oh, my goodness. She got drafted twice. She got drafted twice. You know who's going to love this set? Drake. He watches every week. You know who he followed on Instagram? Kill Tony. And he messaged the account. And all that he said was Casey Rocket equals. And then he did a goat emoji. Come on, huh?
A little fun fact, Drake watches every week with his entourage. My bitches, nigga! Oh my goodness gracious. Just when you thought Drake couldn't have beef with more young, talented black artists, Cam Patterson. Leave my hoes alone! You would think he has enough, but he just can't get enough. He's going for your hoes. Yeah, why my hoes, huh? He's going for your bitches.
That's a compliment. Huh? That's a compliment. No, it's not. Yes, it is. Janice just texted me and said Drake's following her also. Uh-oh. Look at that. Wow. Red band's drunk. Breaking news. Red band's drunk. If Drake followed Janice, this just in, Drake is drunk as well.
I love it. So, Cam, what else is going on in this beautiful world? Nothing, man. Just running around, doing shows, trying to get better. You know what I'm saying? Same shit. Daniel Van Kirk, is this your first time seeing the young buck Sam? It is. Sam Catterson, everybody. Everybody loves Sam Catterson.
- Yeah, that was phenomenal. - Pretty safe, man. - Yeah, the energy coming out. I always say to people, you're already past this, but I always say to people who are starting out, and you do this super well, play to the room that you're in rather than the show you thought you were going to have. And from the second you came out, you played to this room. - Oh yeah. - And that dictated the energy of your set and where you went. I mean, you still hit all your fucking marks in that room. - I love these white people, man. These my white people, you know what I'm saying?
They are. Yeah, yeah. They are. What about the blonde, black lesbian there in the middle of the room? That my dog. He a good nigga. He a good dude. You know what I'm saying? All right. You a dude, though, right? You a nigga? That's a dude. That's a dude. Why he surprised? You don't see me, nigga? We just got word he got drafted to the actual NBA draft. Okay. I fucked up. He is beautiful. This dude has, like, some Prince energy. It really is. Yeah. It really is. Did you sign up by any chance? I mean that. You have a minute?
Did you sign up for the show? Do you have a minute prepared? We got it. Let him do a minute. Should we bring him up here? Come on up, buddy. Get his ass up here. Come on. Let's go. Oh, you were told not to by the... Look at this. Come on. Get up here. I never meant to cause you any trouble. Never meant to cause you any pain. Oh, let more see you.
Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple Rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. Purple rain. purple
Can you tell us where the hot bitches will be tonight? They're right over there. I love it. I love it. Absolutely. Two fives make a ten. We love it. Definitely. Absolutely. How many music videos have you shot on an escalator? How many?
God, you're so intimidatingly fucking cool. Let's make this more interesting. I'm not American, so I don't do this. Where are you from? Trinidad and Tobago. Trinidad and Tobago. That's come up two weeks in a row. A red and white flag. Am I correct? Yes, sir. Absolutely. Represent...
Trinidad and Tobago, a little TNT. - TNT, yes, Trini Man, Trini, or as you all like to call them, Island Boys. - Right. - Nope, not all of us like that at all. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Some of us meet humans in this world and go, can I hit delete on this? - Yes, yes, yes, decent humanity. - So let me ask you, John, what brought you to Austin, Texas?
You want the real answer? I want both answers. I want the real answer and the answer you were going to lie. All right. First of all, first of all, I didn't even know Austin was a real place. Well, that's good. 85% of the people in the room have never heard of Trinidad and Tobago.
So we are even Stevens there, my friend. 95% of the room didn't know black guys could have blonde hair. So this is incredible what's happening here. We're all learning about each other all at the same time. The show is live. Everything is improvised. We had no idea we were going to call you up tonight. That is the treat of being a blonde black man in Austin, Texas. We're like, what's that? Get up here. What the fuck? Come on, buddy.
We want to learn more about you. He just looks like his life is filled with women saying, you promise you're going to call? Mine is filled with women going, I guess. I love your style. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. So how did you say I didn't get an answer? How did you move here from my ex? OK, no, no, it's no. It's no. It's all good. Everything is good. Like I love Austin. It's a beautiful city.
I broke up with her. I just want to make that clear. Yeah, we know. I was the one that broke up with her. You saw one night of pastel rompers and you were like, done. Bye. Goodbye. But you're still here in Austin. I'm still here in Austin. And what have you been doing for fun? Tell us about it. For fun? Or for work. Either one. I'm just guessing you have more fun than do work. Just guessing.
Well, I'd like to say that my motto is work hard, play hard. So I'd like to say I work equally as hard as I play. What do you do for work?
I'm afraid to say because one guy said it already and he got roasted. Yeah. Really? Yeah. You really do software? Yeah. No fucking way. I'm so serious. I never would have guessed that by the color of your hair.
Would have gotten a much bigger laugh 20 seconds ago. Honestly, to be real with you, I'd like to let you know that the hair lady fucked up. Like, this is not what I wanted. You see, they got like five different colors going on inside of the shit. It's not what I asked for. But hey, I still rock it because I am me. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's what's on the inside that counts and the size of your massive cock.
So you work in software. Are you based out of Austin now? Yes, I'm based out of Austin now, yes. Okay, and tell us, tell us the truth. How many beautiful white girls have you corrupted since you've been here? Today, just today. My guess is two today. Is it higher or lower than two?
Today? Yeah, DraftKings has the over-under at two white bitches, it says. That is the over-under for white bitches for John, which is definitely a shortened version of a longer name, today. Jonathan, if you will. Sure. I guess, if I'm being real, probably three today. Okay.
Three today. Look at that. Who would have taken the over? Come on. That is incredible. Red Band's trying to shoehorn the Harlem Globetrotters theme song into this. That's what we think you are. We think you're the Globetrotter of white pussy. Just a guy that makes it look easy, spins it around on your fingertip like that. Oh, shit.
We got there. We got there. See, that's going to be my Insta handle now. I love that. Repeat it again. White Pussy Globetrotter. White Pussy Globetrotter. We just got word. Drake just followed you on Instagram. So good. I'm just still picturing you and your software engineer coworkers out to lunch and how confusing that must be for every Chipotle employee.
These three dudes hanging out with this fucking Playgirl model. Honestly, dude, you're so right. Like, honestly, I mute myself at work. You do? I mute myself at work. How do you tone it down? Well, I go up to them. I'm like, hi, Jerry. Pleasure to meet you.
And Jerry's like, can I suck your fucking cock? This is Jerry. This is Jerry. How's it going, John? How's it going? I have a wife, but I'll do things. Come here, John. Let's hang more. Punch lower and we're in business. John, you want to come back to my second floor hammock?
I'd just like to say, bro, if you're living in a hammock for over a year and a half, you need to do better. Just sing. I have no idea what you just said. It was one of the best prayers I've ever heard in my life. Wow. Sorry, I'm not familiar with being on stage. I don't even know how to talk in a mic, dog. No, you're doing great. So far, best fucking interview of the night. So, it's incredible what we got to do. Thank you.
Putting a ribbon on this thing, though. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Because I have a feeling that you can create a lot of very slippery situations. I get the feeling that you've made gushers out of some real stiff software broads before. No comment. No comment? No comment.
- No comment. - John, that's not how it works here. - No, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right. You're right, you're right. I don't want you coming after me right now. You're right, you're so right. - Got him, Sarge. - Give us one little trick that you like to do in the bedroom. Is there a position or a something or an angle or a move that you've kind of-- - All right, this is gonna sound a little weird. - No, it's great. - I doubt that. - That's always, anytime anybody says that, that's when we're about to get what I call the shit.
Here we go. Honestly, it's not even the shit. Being real, I just appreciate the female body. I really do. Yes. I really do. The curves, the accentures, all that stuff is good. So, I...
Do you really want me to go into deep? Yes. Oh, this is going to be so good. It's not even that good, dog. I've been doing this show for 11 years. I know when a fucking epic answer is about to happen. He just said, are you sure you want me to do it? Like, yes. It really isn't anything crazy. Teach us the Trinidad and the Tobago. I just...
So you got a beautiful, voluptuous white bitch on your bed. You're appreciating it. I mean, like, it's not even anything crazy, bro. I mean, I just like to put you in a position, multiple positions, probably lift you up, put you up against the wall. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
We might go to the kitchen. Might what? We might go to the kitchen. Oh my God. They're going to make you a sandwich. I might have her make me a sandwich. Her, not me. Rye bread. Rye. No, I don't fuck with rye bread. No, no, no. Pumpernickel. I don't fuck with rye bread. You know? Then we might drink a little wine. We're already fucked at this point. Might drink a little wine. Michael's excited. He plays the drums really hard when he gets excited over there.
This is the weirdest D'Angelo song I've ever heard. - I haven't seen this shit right now. - Go ahead, keep going. And then what do you do? - Then what I do, I mean, it's different for each person, but I'm just saying like in general, like, you know. - All the things you just named, I would have come eight times already. By the time I'm in the kitchen, I'd be dead. You'd have to drag me to the kitchen after that. - Also, I'd just like to say for kitchen sex, you gotta be tall enough to like fit the countertop height. That is true. - No shoddies in the kitchen.
No showdies. Wow, that is incredible. What is the longest you think you've ever... Red Band's showing me how long this interview's going. Red Band's afraid of what the comments might say. Why would they spend time with a random audience member? Okay. What's the longest you think you've lasted with a woman? Your longest session ever. That horny bitch wants to know. The longest you've ever lasted...
Or perhaps recharged and immediately gone again. Okay, good. That's what I was about to say. Oh, because you have that. Let's specify that. You have that fucking Tesla battery. You're like ready to go immediately. The supercharger. The longest I've gone back to back. Back to back.
back to back for those of you that didn't get the message. - It's probably about two hours. But, but, hold on, hold on, hold on. - Okay. - Let's be real here. No one's fucking for two hours straight and like not coming, right? Like what I mean by this is like, you know, there's four plate, there's all the shit you do. - Sandwiches. - Kitchen. - You know what I mean? Sandwich in the kitchen, exactly, exactly. You know, sometimes you might take a little intermission, whatever it is you need, but like you're still in the mix. - Watch House Hunters, House Hunters International. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Specifically interracial. Like from a bargain hunt. I did it. What's the fastest you think you've ever recharged? So that means come to reinsertion. What's your fastest turnover rate there? And we will be fact-checking this with your friends. Yes. That's cool, that's cool.
Probably about, honestly, like 15 minutes. Okay, that's human. That's what I'm saying, dog. I'm no one special. Okay. I mean, well, you know, we can't judge a book by its cover. You seem like the kind of guy that could just absolutely go nonstop. Well, congratulations on being the most interesting interview of the night. Thank you.
Trinidad and Tobago's own John, ladies and gentlemen. John. Hell yeah, man. Fuck. Amazing. All right. Now back to comedians attempting to do a minute uninterrupted. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody? Thank you very much. Unbelievable. John's about to fuck the shit out of her.
All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll. Jacob Cantor, everybody. Here we go. Here's Jacob Cantor. I'm trying to get sober. I definitely have a drinking problem. The wake-up call was two weeks ago. I got blackout, and I emailed a picture of my asshole to my second-grade teacher. It was even weirder when he replied, Wow, it hasn't changed a bit. I don't know.
Actually, I just sent it on a burner Facebook anonymous Facebook account and he replied, Jacob? So yeah, this asshole's one of a kind. I've been arrested three times for possession of marijuana, which you cannot eat three and a half grams of marijuana, at least in the time it takes for a cop to get to your window. But when I got pulled over, of course, I was coughing up marijuana.
all over the inside of my Prius. And the cop looks down at me and he goes, "Are you aware it's two o'clock in the afternoon?" And I looked up at him, I said, "Are you aware of the losses inflicted upon the Russians in the defense of Stalingrad?" So, I went to jail. Yeah. Luckily, I'd never gotten to cocaine. I will say this, I've tried cocaine once on numerous occasions. - Very good. Jacob Cantor. One of the strongest sets, not from a regular tonight.
Very funny, Jacob. Thank you. Where are you from? Longview, Texas. This is your first time on the show? Second time. And both gone as well as this one? Yeah, the first time went really well. Wow, good stuff. You got a big joke book last time. Yes. Incredible. Well, here you are again, a fantastic set. You squeezed a lot of material into that minute, got a lot of laughs.
Remind us, what do you do for work? What's going on? I work at Whole Foods. Oh, that's right. Yeah, MAGA Asians sells my bit. What? MAGA Asians bit. That's what I did last time. MAGA Asians bit. Yeah, I picked up an Asian in my Uber. She liked Trump a lot, so I made a joke about it. Right. Okay. You work in the dairy section.
Is that correct? No, I'm a supervisor up front. All right. We're going to check in with the great Daniel Van Kirk. Great set, dude. Thank you. That was awesome. I feel like you can get to that quicker, but you're really good at your turns, like a stop and then going into the joke. But that's okay because blank or like, I've never met that before because I blank. So that's good, and it's good finding your style and like that. One thing I will say, how long have you been doing comedy? Six years. Six years. Okay. Okay.
It's just, do you... No, no, it wasn't bad. I want to ask this to Tony because I feel like you and Red Band have probably seen more people starting or in their journey of comedy than any other friends of mine at all. Yeah. When you feel like somebody's sort of doing a style of a popular comedian, and obviously there's certain ways of telling jokes and everything, how do you address that? How do you broach it? I mean, we just say it. Okay. It just felt a little Nate Bargetzi to me, just a little bit. Are you a fan of Nate Bargetzi? No.
Have you ever seen him do stand-up? That's what I'm saying. I've seen him do stand-up, but no, I'm not really... I've never got into him. Okay, cool. He's never made me laugh like that. No disrespect to that dude. No, not at all. And your content is so wildly different than his. But I didn't know if it was just sort of like a little bit... This happens a lot on the road if you watch a lot of comedy or you've probably had it where you guys have somebody open for you and for a certain point you're like, I love you, but you're starting to kind of do me on stage. Yeah. It just happens.
I avoided watching pretty much any specials for my first few years just because the natural way of just copying people. So I just want to find my voice on stage. Okay. And then I've only recently in like the past year actually started watching stand up all the time. Awesome. It happens. It happens. I noticed the guy with the iron, uh, unironed shirt, uh, the former soldier that almost killed me. Um,
I could tell without a doubt he's a huge Shane Gillis fan from his hand movements. Did you notice that? The double handed and he was doing this a lot. That is so true. That's what's happening. No, it's not an autistic thing, John.
Good question. John asks one question every eight episodes, and that was it. Nope, not autistic. Did you really try to eat all the weed? Yes, that was real. Actually, in that particular time, I forgot to put my Prius in park, and it fucking went into a ditch as I stepped out of the car. This is the shit. I literally, I have that in my nightmares. That happens, and I can't find the brake pedal. The guy who arrested me, I went to high school with him.
So it was even weirder. Okay, this is the shit. This is why you guys are fucking angels. Yeah. My man. And he apologized to me too later after I got on Kill Tony. Don't you ever fucking interrupt me again. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm not fucking joking. No. Uh,
So this is the thing. I do... I'm a bit of a storyteller. I love telling a good story, but I also love finding observational comedy and going in and out of that. You are doing sort of... Not so much observational, but not full stories either. It's sort of like there was this and then this. Like, I hope you really sent your asshole to your teacher. But that right there is a moment of like...
I got arrested for having three and a half grams of weed or whatever it was. And then you mine that fucking... Now, I know you only had a minute here, but mine that shit of like, oh, it's worse than you guys think it was. I couldn't... Like, go through all that shit because then the audience gets to go on that ride with you. And as the...
The asshole thing feels like such a... It's very funny, but it feels such a like, really? I laughed at it, right? Because it was a good joke, but I didn't think it really happened. And then, I don't believe that you really got arrested for weed either. And the more you dig that out, you've got that...
everything you just said three sentences in a row. You didn't even have a joke. It was just funny. So true. An unbelievable note. Were you and the guy close in high school? Not really, no. Did he bully you? No. Did you bully him? No. Did you have any interactions that you remember? Not really. He was just like a normal dude. Did he remember
Did he remember you? Oh, yeah. He remembered me. He was trying to, because the chick that sold me the weed, we went to high school with her, and he was trying to get me to rat out. He's like, you won't go to jail if you say who it was. And I was just like, oh, she has blue hair and lives down the road. Which is not true. No. Well, she does have blue hair. I was really scared. You fucking narc, dude. Wow. I told you I can break these motherfuckers. Wow, it's incredible. We got a rat amongst us.
Now look at that. That is a fucking curb your enthusiasm episode. Have you ever had the officer who's trying to arrest you connect you to another person you went to high school with who happened to sell you the drugs that you were currently being arrested for? That's insane, right? So let how fucked up your life is be funny.
It's true. It's true. Jacob, how's Whole Foods going? Good? It's all right. I mean, it's not the job I want to have forever. And I'm trying to get a job with a better schedule so I can hit more mics in Dallas. Yeah. What else is going on? What else do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? I don't know. I like history. I like to work out. What kind of workout do you do? The sit-down? Yeah. Yeah.
You look buff as shit. Look at his chest. He is low-key yoked. Yeah. Are you? Yeah. Really? Do you have a six-pack? How many do you think you should pull a Bert Kreischer right now, huh? No.
- No. - I'm not that, it's yolked. - Daniel says you're yolked, the crowd goes wild. You don't wanna do it? - What are you benching? - What? - What are you, come on. What, you gotta think about if you're gonna lie? - Probably like, I don't know, like 220. - Wow, look at that. - But I mean, I don't know, like I don't even have to work out that much 'cause I was in the military, so I'm just like already fit. - Wow, our military has never been weaker. This is incredible. Bunch of sickly people like I'm fighting for our country.
This is unbelievable. We do need to start letting trans in the military. This is absolutely incredible. Hey, anybody who wants to defend our country, go fucking do it. That's my fucking rule. I support you and I love you for your service. What branch? Army. Army National Guard. Rank? Wow. Look at that. Rank? Rank? Right. Did you have a rank when you were a national guard? Oh, rank? I was a corporal. He's a stalker. He's a stalker.
Okay, so you're working out, you're going to Mike's, you like history. Where in Whole Foods do you work? I work up front as a supervisor. So up front, how many stories do you have about people stealing from the hot food section? Oh, all the time. Yeah, they come in, they're looking like the boy in the striped pajamas, all like meager. We have to kick them out. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's work on our references. We don't want to lose the crowd.
What kind of pajamas? Striped. Striped pajamas. That is very... Remember the movie? Oh. Yeah. It's like, hey, I'm going to die in a concentration camp. That's his first pull. Right. The old striped pajamas.
What else, how else would you describe these people? I also got in trouble at work because sometimes whenever people do self-checkout, you have to enter in the date whenever you look at their ID. And I used to just not check IDs. I was like, you want 9-11 or JFK assassination?
So I got in trouble, yeah. - Okay, someone ratted you out for a change. - Yeah, yeah, some dumb bitch in uptown. - Wow, look at that. John's fucking her right now. So revenge is yours. You got a big joke book last time? - Yes. - All right, well there he goes. Jacob Cantor, anything, what? You don't live in Austin, do you?
No, but I can come down here. Uh-oh. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Whoa, look at that. Dreams are coming true. Live on Kill Tony, Jacob Cantor. C-A-N-T-E-R. All right. You guys having fun out there? We have another bucket pool.
And they go by the name of Lee Hudson, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Lee Hudson. Here's Lee. I'm an out of shape man. I have a bad diet. My diet is bad to the point where if I decided to buy vegetables on my debit card, my bank would flag it as suspicious activity. I'm a depressed man as well. It's weird when your friends know you have depression because it really takes the impact out the phrase, I'd rather kill myself.
Because my friends are like, "Do you want to come to the cinema?" And I'm like, "I'd rather kill myself." And they're like, "We know, but do you want to come to the cinema?" I watched my dad get married last year for the fifth time. Yeah, it's a lot of times. That means I've had a lot of stepmums, to the point where I'm actually quite traumatized by that category of porn now. I will still watch it though. But it's different for me. I'm watching a video of some guy pounding his stepmom and I'm watching it going, "Don't get too attached."
Wow. What a performance. Lee Hudson, absolutely incredible. Welcome to the show, Lee. Hey, man. How are you? I'm good. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just over seven years now. Seven years. Am I crazy? Were you on an episode in England? 2019 in London. Wow. I can't believe I remembered that. I can believe it. You give a shit and you like doing this. It's incredible. Credit to you. 2019 in London, England.
at a big giant sold out theater. Yeah, Blue's Re Theater, it was cool. And you did great there. Yeah. I remember you very clearly and this is a brand new minute, very, very fun stuff happening. How long are you in Texas for? I leave on Tuesday. When did you get here? Yesterday. Why such a quick trip to the new comedy capital of the world being as funny as you are? It's the only amount of time I can get off work. What do you do for work? I'm a data analyst.
A data analyst. Okay. What kind of data are you analyzing? Finance, interest rates, and shit like that. Wow. You might be one of the funniest data analysts I've ever heard of. This is absolutely incredible. Tell us what else is going on over there in London? Yeah, yeah. Okay. It's a pretty cool scene at the moment. Yeah, it's fun. I get up pretty much every night. Yeah, it's a fun time. The queen is dead. She's dead.
She is. How did that make you feel? Yeah. Party time. How did that make you feel when the queen died? I was, yeah, pretty nonchalant about it. I did a show that night, like half an hour after it got announced that she died. You monster. The host went up and he went, does anyone give a fuck? And one guy went, I do. And he went, nah, you can go. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Right. The queen dies, but the show must go on.
So Lee Hudson, tell us more. What else have we missed about your life since the last time we've seen you? Last time we spoke, I was with someone for a very long time, and you guys made fun of me because we weren't married. That went to shit. That's gone now. Yeah. Did we, you think we helped with that? Oh, no. It was like another four years later. Oh, okay. Yeah, I drew it out a while. And that was your stepmom? Yeah.
I'm done too, Dad. I'm done too. So how long ago was the breakup? It was during the pandemic. Okay. So have you been dating since then? Yeah. Okay. Have you been with an American woman? No. Canadian was the closest I got. Canadian was the closest. Have you ever kissed an American woman? No. Is there a...
Is there any chance, you know, we have some of the best audience members in the world. Is there, this is a famous segment of the show where it's called Kiss Me. And sometimes we have a female audience member come up and kiss. Is there, wow, look at this young lady right here. She scares me. Oh, shit.
That's a real American. Come on up here. That is a real American right there. I hope she gets out of stage and she's like, "Aura and Stewie!" You're about to kiss an American girl. Are you excited? Uh, somewhat. Okay. Lee Hudson. ♪ I never meant to cause you any trouble ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is about to go down. This is a real-- Oh, my goodness. Wow. Okay.
Now, Tony, I've never witnessed this. Do we check that door for consent? Do we backdraft this? Do we negotiate what kind of kiss we're going to have? She consents. Lee, do you consent? Yeah, sure. Enthusiastically? Can I do my minute? No, no, no. You can't do your minute. No, thank you. It was right of you to ask, but we thought you were up here for... Oh, my gosh. Wow.
Look at that. Wow. This is a real fucking... Oh, my God. Okay. Wow. Look at that. Look at that. From Buckingham to fucking ham. This shit is going down tonight. Oh, my God. You're going to love being married to his dad. This is incredible. Look at the look of happiness on Lee Hudson's face.
This is one of the happiest South Park characters I've ever seen in my life. Is it? Absolutely incredible. Right now in his mind, he's like, keep calm and get hard. Keep calm and get hard. Absolutely. Is that a little fucking... Is that Winston Churchill's cigar in your pants? Are you just happy to be here? Wow. This is a fucking... A whole new revolutionary war. What's your name, sweetheart? Crystal. Crystal. Okay, and you prepared a minute?
You really want to do it? All right. We haven't had a female comedian up tonight. So ladies and gentlemen, doing her minute, make some noise for Crystal. Please stay up here with your future wife. And one more time, ladies and gentlemen, this is Crystal, everybody. Hi, my name is Crystal and I identify as skinny. I guess you could say I'm transphobic.
I think you can tell a lot about a girl by the way she names her pet. Like if her dog has a first, middle, and last name, she might be a little crazy. But if her dog's name is Chalupa, Batman, Muggles, Cash, Evans, Bolt, she might be psychotic. I call him Muggles for short. It's not like I walk around calling him Chalupa, Batman, Muggles, Cash, Evans, Bolt. That would be crazy. I've pretty much given up on ever getting married and having that rock on my hand to show off to all my friends.
At this point, the closest I'm getting to a rock is inside Camp Patterson sweatpants. I've actually never been with a black man before. I know I look like I'm lying. I've been told I look like Jelly Roll and Amy Schumer's love child. That's a compliment. There you go. No doubt about it. That's an incredible performance. Got better as it went on. Started strong. Incredible stuff, Crystal.
Wow. Wow. What's going on? Are you about to cry? Oh, my goodness. You are so happy. This is amazing. How do you feel? I didn't even shout. I was like, this is going to be the one. We can tell. It's all right. It's a match made in heaven. It's a match made in heaven. Lee's British, so he didn't brush his teeth today. Oh, my gosh.
This is absolutely incredible. You didn't shower today. Wow. I brushed my teeth. That's very good. Very good. I showered my teeth. Crystal. Wow. My goodness. How long have you been doing stand-up, Crystal? This is my first time. First time. Look, it's amazing. A stunning, stunning stage presence. I love it. Your fishnets caught a whale.
This is absolutely amazing. I've never seen anybody wear a skirt over their shirt before. It's amazing. Crystal, what's your last name? I know it's not Crystal Light. Tony. I've heard of Crystal Light, but this is Crystal Heavy. Tony, she already is going to have to answer her mom when she goes, and how did you get up on stage? My mom's dead. Oh, my goodness.
Hey, trust me. She might visit you tonight. Amazing. This is amazing, Crystal. Your mom is dead. Where's dad at tonight? Oh, I don't know. You don't talk to your dad either? No. So how is it possible if you don't talk to your dad and you look the way you do, why haven't you fucked a black guy yet? You think your dad's not going to talk to you twice? Oh. Come on. John's laughing.
Tony! My biological dad actually had a bet with my uncle that I'd be pregnant by a black dude by the time I was 16. So I was like, no. Wow. So like... I don't know who won that bet. Looks like everybody loses that one. Because you're not pregnant, but you could be. All right.
Crystal has a great sense of humor. I have a secret move in the bedroom. Oh, you do have a secret move in the bedroom? What is it? The surprise I didn't shower? You fuck me while I plug your nose? Crystal, I apologize in advance, but is your secret move sandwiches?
- No. - She makes the sandwiches before they fuck. She's got the order of events backwards here. Crystal, what is your secret move in the bedroom? Can I guess? Can I give a couple guesses? The bed breaker. - Close. - The aficionary position. - Ooh, closer. - Okay, go ahead. What is the move? - It's the dolphin. - Okay, uh-oh. - It's when a guy tries to stick it in my ass and I go, ah! - Oh, wow. Incredible.
Incredible. I thought it was going to have to do with what your pussy smells like. He really... Red band! Red band.
Wow. I have a second move. Oh, wow. No, no, no. What's the second move? I roll a perfect blunt, and if you smoke a blunt while you're in doggy style, it's so perfect. And I have a shelf, so you can put the ashtray there. Oh, my God. And you just pass it back and forth while you're fucking doggy style. Oh, my God. It works. Wow. Wow.
so the person can smoke a blunt and put the ashtray on your back and ash on your back and then they hand it to you sometimes and you hit it while you're getting, wow. I can't imagine what your bedroom smells like. This is incredible. Is it possible for me to get canceled by listening to someone else talk?
I have a special. I'm trying to get people over to this special. Rose Gold. Daniel Van Kirk comedy on YouTube. Make sure you watch it. That's very nice. I've actually, I've always wanted to be roasted by you. Well, it's not the first time that I've roasted a pig, so this is incredible. Tony! Absolutely amazing. Should I put an apple in your mouth before I continue? That's actually my third move. Ha ha ha.
I keep getting sucked into this. Well, you did it. Here's a big joke book for Lee. Here's a big joke book for Crystal. There she goes. Thank you so much. Thank you.
Wow. So much fun. Such a fun episode. So much momentum. And we're going to keep it going. We have one of our greatest golden ticket winners ever here. Ready with a brand new minute. This guy is absolutely unbelievable. He's been on a fucking real streak lately.
Really, really impressive stuff. And we're going to talk about it after his set. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. This is indeed Martin Phillips, everybody. Okay. What's up? How we doing? Okay. I'm situated.
I don't know that guy. Okay, I got two jokes. I like flowers, but I would never want to be a flower because then every time I ejaculate, I would sneeze. That's a smart cum joke. Okay.
This morning for breakfast, I had a soup or something people call it, a Bloody Mary. After that, I had to be an alcoholic, you know, and say, well, it'd be good with the soup, vodka, liquor. I don't have a problem. Uh-uh.
And there's no other hard soups out there, you know? I never put gin in my chicken noodle, you know? It's never... But, uh... Okay, cool, I'll get in there. Unbelievable.
The return of truly one of the greatest Golden Ticket winners, Martin Phillips, everyone. Martin, how you doing? I'm okay. Daniel Van Kirk, you ever seen Martin before? I have not. Just straight clean jokes, man. That was great. I'm the guy that can't take it. I knew they'd turn on me.
Martin, another unbelievable brand new minute. I'll tell you guys a short story, which is on Thursday night, I had my own show here at the Mothership, and usually...
my entire, you know, all the regulars and, you know, my current friends, Tony and friends shows there. It's usually everybody's here and William and Casey and Cam and Ron white and all of these people, all of them were working that night. Um,
and out on the road and this and that. And last minute was like 45 minutes ago. I'm like, Jesus Christ, who's working the door, this, that. Okay, well, no Heath, no Cam, no this, no that, no David Jolly, David's headlining on the road. Fucking everybody's out on the road somehow on this magical night. So I hit up Martin Phillips and, uh, he's like, I'm down the street. I'll be there. And, uh,
He came on, and of course I'm curious to see how he's going to do doing 10 minutes on his own. I've only seen you on Kill Tony, and you fucking killed so hard that the entire club was talking about it. One of the great managers here, the lovely Chica...
I remember as I was coming down to go on stage, I go, uh, I go, can we get a W nine for Martin? It was his first time performing in this room. And she goes, got it right here. Can't fucking wait. Like the whole building was, uh,
was so excited to have you join. It was just the right place, the right time. You were around. You were able to get here. You made your set, and he fucking decimated. I mean, he crushed this room. Yeah, it was crazy. I almost didn't pick up your call. I was like, who's calling me from Hollywood? Right, well...
I do still have my old cell phone number. Yeah, I was like, well, yeah, but I was at another, like, bike, but as soon as I got there, I was like, peace out, okay? It was the first time that I called you, and, uh, a fun call, and you answered, and it was fucking incredible. Um,
Amazing stuff. How did you feel after that? It was cool, yeah. It was first time doing the stage for the pilot. Yeah, it was really, what they say is true. All the shows are good here. Yeah, it was really fun. Yeah, it was magical. It was fucking absolutely incredible. You're killing it. You're doing great. And, uh,
You're going to be in L.A., correct? Yeah, I'll be there. Doing an arena at the Forum. How does that make you feel? I have no idea. I'll see how crazy it is when I get there. I have no expectations. Go with the flow. Yeah.
I don't eat shit. That's probably my main focus. I have plane tickets, but getting to the actual arena because LA sucks. Can I make a suggestion? Just to see what happens? Hitchhike.
Did she know? See who picks you up, man. Live a little, man. The good Samaritan out there. Yeah, man. You'll get a story out of it. Yeah, I'm sure. You'll get a story. I make it there. I've...
Yeah. But right. So, uh, you have everything going for you. You're absolutely killing. Every new minute is very, very, very impressive. I remember when I made you a golden ticket winner back in DC five or six years ago or long ago, it was, I remember thinking, God damn, this guy's good, but I'm,
actually literally watching you constantly get better. You're one of the few golden ticket winners that hits me up very regularly to call in for your spot. A lot of the, you know, a little fun fact behind the scenes of the show is that anybody, any golden ticket winner can hit me up anytime. Take Heath's writing process. You know, he's very new, very green, even though he's a golden ticket winner. He's a different level, you know, 21 years old, looks like he's nine.
And Enrique, you know, it takes him a while to have a new minute that he's excited about. Almost all the other golden ticket winners take a while, or Jared Nathan and Aaron Belisle live in Canada and can't come a lot. But Martin, more than anybody...
tries to come in, and you do it with beautiful grace for a guy that's shaky and wobbly and bent out of shape. Yeah, you know, it looks like I might step on toes. I try not to step on toes. But I can tell you...
Speaking of out there Golden Digger winners, I get recognized a lot. But this has happened a lot. People recognize me and then they go, Aaron? Right. And we don't look alike. And most importantly, I can fucking talk, you know? I'm just saying that I...
It's clear. And he has like a dog. I don't have a dog. My hand's in my pocket. I don't do that. Damn. This is handicap on handicap crime happening right here. These guys, I haven't seen a fight like this since a parking spot was up for grabs.
I have no beef with them. It's just the listeners are the dumb ones. They can't tell any qualifier. If you get a second black guy, uh-oh.
Everything you are saying is absolutely correct. For the record, the views expressed by all the comics up here tonight are not exemplary of Daniel Van Kirk's... Rose Gold at Daniel Van Kirk Comedy on YouTube. Leave Kill Danny in the comments when you go check it out. I've mentioned this before, but a lot of people say, Kill Tony's at the show with all the handicapped people and this and that. It really cracks me up because, again...
If we were to make a compilation of all your minutes, I mean, other than the regulars, there would be you, Aaron Belisle, Jared Nathan, which all of you are a little fucking in your own ways, like, you know, a little fucking wobbly and shit. But no one else has done that good. And no one else has done that good that many times. The fact that you guys are all a little fucking whatever is...
Just a coincidence. And again, Michael Lair had a different thing. He had ALS and he was the fucking absolute goat. I mean, genius, hilarious, the late great Michael Lair. Total different ailment. He would be...
if he could hear me comparing him to these handicapped people. Tony! Because most of his life, he was a normal fucking stud until the very end, of course, when he died. But we knew that he was going to die. You're not going to die. You have a full lifespan ahead of you. I hope. Right? Absolutely. It's amazing that you can cross your fingers like that. I wouldn't have guessed that you'd be able to do that. Uh...
I mean, I almost called you Aaron after all that. I almost said Martin Phillips, everybody. God damn. What a fucking episode. Am I right? We having fun tonight, huh? You pulled another name. You're like a gym teacher in the 90s looking at it like, I don't know, because some of you fuckers are a little...
That's where over a decade in the writer's guild gets me. It's like, fucking, I'll come up with something. All right. Make some noise for what should be our final bucket pool of the night. Make some noise for Micah Brown or McCann or M. Can Brown. Yoga pants. Let's talk about it, boys.
I feel like the same people that wear yoga pants when they're not on their way to do yoga or on their way from doing yoga are like the same people that wear camouflage when they're not actively hunting or actively being hunted. The thing that blows my mind is there's camouflage yoga pants out there, dude. What are those for? Trying to stretch in secret? Are you part of the Indian Special Forces? Are you trying to live, laugh, reload, dude?
Are you trying to eat, pray, eliminate? What's going on? You guys want to really know what's going on? They're just trying to hide their camel toes. Okay, really thought there was going to be more laughter there at the end. Held for laughter. One more time for Micah Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Here criticizing fashion while dressed like the final boss of the video game Delta 8.
An incredible getup for a guy making fun of what guys wear. How do you feel? I feel great. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. You've been on the show before, right? Yes. And how did it go other times? Better or worse? About the same. I had fun both times. Okay. And remind us, what do you do for work? Right now... Hold on. No, no, no. Here we go.
I meant to say this earlier when we heard, right now I'm sleeping in a hammock. Nothing good follows this. No good sentence ends with this. It's always temporary and where I'd rather not be. Take it away, Micah. Right now. I served pizza on 6th Street. You nailed it, dude. Wow.
Absolutely incredible. You serve it? You don't make it? No. You don't know how to make it? You don't want me making the pie, dude. No, we don't want you making the pie. I fill up the water. You fill up water? Yeah. Okay. We found one of those dolphins. Is it Micah? Yes. Okay. Has anything interesting happened since the last time you were on where we could talk about it during an interview? Honestly, yeah. Saturday,
My baby mama called me crying. And... Are you writing this as you go right now? No, this really happens. How old's your baby? Three. But the guy she was dating, she just broke up with, died in a motorcycle accident. So I'm trying to console her, but I'm like kind of happy this dude's dead. You know? But I don't know how I feel about that. That's weird, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, no doubt about it. So what did you say? Well, I just watched my kid at the park for three hours and she had time and space. Wait, hold on. So she's like, oh my God, my boyfriend's dead. I'm going to drop off the baby, right?
Yeah, we arranged plans for me to watch the kids so she could grieve. Did you say kids? Kid. Right. So you got the kid and you took the kid straight to the park. Yeah. That's the place to go. Is this a dog? Dude, kids and dogs, very similar. Right. You just take them to the park and you let them shit outside. No. No.
He would like to, but you have to treat him better than a dog. Right. Yeah. So he's three years old. Mm-hmm. Okay. And what does he think you do for a living? Pizza. He came to my job. It's the best job to have if you have a three-year-old because they think you're killing it.
You know what I'm saying? Do you do this as a joke on stage? This is the first time I've said this. That's incredible. I think we're finding something here, Micah. This is exactly what Daniel Van Kirk was talking about earlier. It's like people can feel it when it's real. I make pizza for a living.
I have a three-year-old son and he thinks, bah, bah, bah, bah. Yeah, don't feel bad for me because my kid thinks I have the coolest fucking job in the world. And then you get to that and expound it. Like, stay away from the, don't you love when your ex's boyfriend dies? Like, leave that out.
You gotta dig through the mud, man. You gotta dig through the mud. Or walk around the mud. Thank you guys for going on that with me. Or drive right over the mud like your ex's boyfriend did. It's a little slippery out there. Did you notice in your set that you got your better jokes on the camel stuff was later on, right? Like eat, pray, eliminate and all that stuff. Yeah.
Just get to that. Like you said, people walking around in fucking yoga pants with cameras. What are they doing? Boom, joke. Eat, pray, eliminate. Boom. Just fucking go to that. We all know exactly what it is. And no disrespect to you at all. That take isn't hot. Like commenting on yoga pants and stuff like that. But coming up with funny phrases that nobody has applied to that with that lifestyle, that's funny. So get to the joke. And then listen to this fucking legend. And...
Talk about that. You're going to be seeing crazy shit filling up waters on 6th Street every night. Oh, yeah, it's fun. I wonder what it would be.
And then what that like, like have that. It's funny that you might be watching two people fight over a crust of pizza while trying to answer the phone to your baby mama and getting yelled at that you aren't pouring enough water. You know what I'm saying? Like just it's all there's a movie, right? Particularly his movie Sleepwalk with me where Marin tells him in the movie. I think you should just talk about that. Well, he's like bitching about his life. Yeah. Oh, it's fucking right in front of you, dude. Yeah. You get messy at the pizza joint.
No, I wash my hands a lot. I'm very self-conscious. Clean hands. I might be autistic. I don't know. Okay. Is that relatable? You think autism is washing your hands at work? At a food and beverage establishment? That's what you think autism is? Is being a decent human being? I think I'm just gross. Yeah. Wait a second. I'm not autistic. I'm disgusting. Fuck yeah, dude.
All right. Congratulations. You already have. What size joke books do you have? I have one little joke book. Well, guess what, my friend? You know what we're going to do? We're going to upgrade you to a big one here tonight. There he goes. Thank you so much. Micah Brown, everybody. All right. I decided when he was up here that we're going to do one more bucket pool.
Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night, no matter what happens, make some noise for David Gamble, everybody. David Gamble. Thank you. Met a nice lady the other day, taught me what the missionary position actually is. Turns out I had a twist in my whole life. I thought the missionary position was where you take a person and you don't give them food or water until they agree to worship your God. Whew, that's a relief. I like this. Okay.
Get a lot of my clothes at the thrift store. That's how I was raised. My parents brought me up not to spend too much money on my clothes. It's actually based on an ancient Chinese proverb. Roughly translated, it goes a little something like this. The clothing does not make the child. The child makes the clothing. All right. Ah, fuck it. I'll try this one. So, uh, word stillborn's kind of an oxymoron, huh? It's not like they're stillborn now, are they? Okay.
God damn it. I still have time. What should I do with it? All right. That's it. All right. Fuck it. Very funny. David Gamble. Yes, sir. Absolutely adorable. How long have you been doing stand-up, David? 11 years, mostly. 11 years. Where at? Colorado Springs, Columbus, Ohio, a bunch of places. That's where you live now? Colorado Springs. You live in Colorado Springs now. And how long did you live in Ohio?
Most of my life, until I was about 28. I actually did the show once in 2014, a long time ago. Kiltoni? In Columbus, Ohio. In Columbus. Yep. In 2014. I was brand new. Holy shit, that's fucking 10 years ago. First time, man. Jesus fucking Christ. I had no idea what it was. Well, we didn't either at the time.
That is amazing. So you were just a year in back then, basically just starting out. And how did that set go for you? Not good. Amazing. And look at you now and you stuck with it. Why Colorado Springs? Airbnb. I started an Airbnb. It was a pandemic thing.
You wanted to get out of Columbus. You went to Colorado Springs and you bought real estate and you started Airbnb-ing it out. Is that what that means by Airbnb-ing? Yep. Okay. There's a couple steps removed, but I moved to Vegas first and I didn't like it. There's a bunch of Denver too. I didn't really like Denver. Okay. You've lived a lot of places. How many dead hookers are in your path? Okay.
At least three. Okay. Yeah. Very good. What do you do for work, David? Freelance marketing. All right. And are you making good money off your Airbnb in Colorado Springs? Used to. What happened? Economy went down. It did in Colorado, didn't it? Everywhere, I think. Okay. Speak for yourselves. Yeah.
Daniel Van Kirk. You're Airbnb. Yeah. It's a house that you rent the whole thing out or you're doing some share stitches? I made it into two apartments and I live in the basement one. It's kind of sad. Do you leave the premises? I'm not there now. We got ourselves a god damn teleporter.
I'm saying when people rent it. Do they rent the whole place and you leave? That's a great question. A lot of these Airbnbs, there's always a fucking creepazoid coming in and out of the back door. That's you? That's exactly it. That would be terrible. You're like permanently the people under the stairs when someone's renting out your place?
That's exactly right. Is there anything worse? Can you imagine renting out the whole Airbnb and then you're like, oh, wait, there's somebody coming up the driveway. Oh, my God, it's the world's tallest midget.
David Gamble. Has anyone ever told you you look like the world's tallest midget? Just now. That was the first time. That's it. There's a first time for everything. Thanks to the popularity of this show, you're going to get it a lot. I imagine so. You're more of a joke writer than telling stories from your personal life?
Okay. Damn it, because I'm sure you've had some crazy aftermath or people in your place that drove you nuts or did wild shit. People selling, I say dope, heroin. People selling heroin. Out of an Airbnb-in? Yeah. In Colorado Springs? Mm-hmm. Wow. Junkies on the porch waiting for them, and I was just like, oh, this is what's going on. This is what's going on. Here, I got to go out there, me, the Shaquille O'Neal of little people, and lay down the law.
Lay down the law. I'm about to kick you people out, Ernie. You're about to get kicked out of this house, Ernie. It is absolutely... So do you stay on property to avoid squatters, then? I don't know what I'd do about squatters. Well, you'll avoid it. As long as you're on the property, they have no legal squatting rights. They might be in there now, though. I've been gone a couple weeks. Dude, you just got squatted. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Welcome back to squatting. My goodness. So what's your love life like being the big dog in Oz? Pretty lonely. Pretty lonely. You are lonely? Now. Really? You're surrounded by all these people. You're right. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Because he tried to tell me he was here. It's fine. You'll get it later on, guys.
You've been pretty lonely, but let me ask you something. What if you were to get... Why do you think you can't lock down a girl? Why do you think that is? Just right now, it's lonely. And fighting with the guests upstairs is bad a little bit. Nobody else thought he was going to go, oh, I can lock them down. It's keeping them there that's the problem. That's pretty accurate. No, don't say that. Fuck with you.
What if I had someone, a world famous stud to give you some advice on how to improve your love life? Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce a huge fan of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Mark Wahlberg, everybody. How you guys doing? You doing good? What's up, dude? I could bench you. Fuck that. I could curl you.
What are you, Donnie if they got the copy wrong? So what's your problem, you sad? You lonely? I'm sad and I'm lonely, very good. You know what? First, you know what you need to do? You need to become a fucking movie star. Movie star? Dude, you become a fucking movie star, you can do whatever you want. Everybody in this room becomes a third. It's fucking perfect, dude. What are you lonely about? What makes you sad on your heart? I'm not lonely now. What's that? I'm not lonely anymore. No one here wants to be around you. LAUGHTER
You ever been in a fight? No. You've never been in a fight? Not a good, not a real one. Okay, keep up this attitude. That might change. Have you ever been punched in the face in your life? When I was little. What happened? I was trying to break up some kids fighting. And you were also a little kid? Yep. And you said, hey, little kids, let's not fight. No, I just tried to pull them apart. You walked in and you were like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, let's not do this to each other. And somebody hit you in the mouth?
Probably, yeah. About right. You care if I make a movie out of that? Can I be in it? What's that? Can I be in it? I heard it'll help me with being... God damn it. What are you, Donnie Wahlberg? You can't be in it. Can't be in it, but... When was the last time you dated somebody? And I mean more than three times. Early last year. Okay, so that's not too long ago. It's kind of long ago. Well, it'd be long for me. For you, not that long ago.
I got a hand job when I was walking out here, okay? Hell yeah. Wait, who ended it, you or her? Me. Why? Tell me about the girl who's not good enough for you. I don't like giving her press. What's that? I don't like giving her press. You don't like giving her press? That's what I was saying, yeah. Well, oh, okay. She's a fame like me? Or she's a normal like you? She's a normal like me, yeah. Okay, so what happened? Her Airbnb rental was up and you said, I can't do this anymore? Yeah. Yeah.
Are you for real? No. You don't fuck your guests. Can I talk to you for a second? Don't ever fucking lie to me again. Mark, why don't you give him a big joke book? We're going to send him on his way. I'm going to give you a big joke up. And here I want you to write on the very first page, I promise, say it. I promise. To do cardio. To do cardio. There he goes. David Gamble, ladies and gentlemen. And how about a hand for Mark Wahlberg, huh? Woo!
Well, there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. It's the only way we know how. This is Kill Tony Hall of Famer, the record holder for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews, an absolute bona fide superstar. I present to you the Vanilla Gorilla, the St. Louis Lasso, the Maniacs,
Memphis Strangler, The Big Red Machine, This Is Indeed, Lights Out, The One and Only, William Montgomery. Well, that guy from the Naked Gun movies died last week. Yeah, that's right. OJ Simpson last week went to heaven. It was pretty awkward for OJ because the first person he bumped into was Nicole Brown Simpson.
Okay. When asked about Iran's attack on Israel, Joe Biden responded, chocolate chip, especially on a cone. Remember that blind man character on Star Trek? Apparently with those special glasses, he could read rainbows. That's a good joke. LeVar Burton reading rainbow. Okay.
I'm trying to build a barrier between myself and smoking cigarettes, and Tony, I'm actually using Zender blocks. Okay, that's my time. Thank you.
59 seconds on the dot for the man who's done it more than anyone else. Another brand new minute from William Montgomery. And I really do just want to say, Daniel, it is so sweet of you to actually stick around for this one. I was just watching the episode where I played David Lucas. It was literally one of my best fucking sets. And you fucking walk out at the very beginning of it.
So this is hard. Right when I started the minute, you fucking walked out. I have been playing that over and over again for the past four fucking years. So it's kind of crazy you're actually here right now. It is crazy. Why'd you walk out? I've been wanting to ask you that from the beginning. Well, there he goes. Oh, he's back. I don't remember. It probably seemed like a good bit at the time. He probably had to use the restroom or had somewhere to go.
Okay. Okay. Cool. I was just wondering. I'm sure it was a good bit. Wasn't it the joke that I was like, I'm going to get canceled for this? I think the beginning was, I'm tired of being big and black.
Or something. I was trying to play David Lucas. And then you bailed right after that. Did I leave the stage? Yeah, right after that. I literally watch it all the fucking time. I'm not even kidding. I watched it ten times up in the fucking green room. Well, the truth of the matter is, I probably was doing a stupid bit. You know when you say to comics, you're like, hey, be real for a second. I've got to tell you something about my life.
because you need them to not fucking bit what you're trying to do or tell them. I was probably doing a bit. I think you're fucking great. If in any way me leaving made you feel the opposite, I'm sorry, buddy. Wait, and hold on. I am so sorry. I did not just hear a fucking word you said. William, give him a hug, William. There you go. There you go. He smells weird. I do have to go.
Pulling a Donnell Rawlings, ladies and gentlemen. The great Daniel Van Kirk. Donnell once walked off the show. It was a big deal. Why? Well, he said that he had to go have dinner somewhere, but he didn't. He got made fun of by someone who kept warning him to stop making fun of him or else he was going to make fun of Donnell. But Donnell did two more jokes.
And then the guy lit his ass up. Sure, yeah. And then Donnell drunkenly left and then immediately started saying, I didn't leave. But it's like...
seen by millions of people. Did you see him tell Bert he didn't want any of his fucking tequila? No. He was on Bert's show and he goes, I'll have a drink. And he's like, what do you want? And he goes, I'll have some, it's vodka, right? It's vodka. Sorry, yeah. And so he goes, I'll have vodka. And then he goes, you want some two beers? And then he goes, nope. Nope.
And then everybody left. He's like, why? What the fuck's wrong with you? It's my tequila. But Donald's not. Boring. Holy shit! There it is. I'm fucking falling asleep over here, dude!
Holy shit! Oh my God. William sometimes takes shots at the guests. You wouldn't know because you leave during his sets. Now I remember why. Now I remember why. William, you had some Barry William Montgomery references. A naked gun reference to lead into your OJ material. A LeVar Burton joke, which is both an old Star Trek episode
And a reading rainbow joke. At the same time, all of these references from the late 80s, early 90s. I have gone on a big kick. I was actually really excited at first. I really did think Mark Wahlberg was here. I sort of got it, and I just watched Fear for the first time. I think I watched ten different movies. You're fucking right. Dude, I fingered her four times off camera, okay? I know. That movie was so hot.
I've never seen it. You've never fucking seen Fear? No. Oh my God, dude. I drive around in a Corvair and I make fun of the guy from CSI New York or whatever. And then I take his daughter up on a roller coaster and she's from Sweet Home Alabama and I finger her. On the roller coaster? Yeah, dude. We didn't even know they were filming. What?
It's a beautiful scene. It's a beautiful scene. I kept on replaying it. It actually is a very beautiful scene. It appears that you make her orgasm when y'all are going down the hill of the roller coaster. I couldn't believe that. It does appear. It does appear.
And how did you cut that dog's head off? That's the only thing. I love the movie, but I couldn't figure out. Would you have a machete? How'd you do that? That was my one qualm with the movie. I did it with a fucking spoon, dude. Oh, shit. Boring! Okay, okay. Oh, my God. Fuck! Is this your new catchphrase, William? Boring! Boring!
It's fucking great. There's some fucking 91-year-old old man fucking opening up for my ass in Springfield, Missouri. Old man Willie, who I actually did love. But he was kind of sucking towards the end of one of the sets, and I said, BORING!
And the guy literally fell over on the stage. He did? Yes. Are you serious? They had to take him away in an ambulance. Are you serious? I'm not even kidding. No, it was horrible. So that's why maybe I should stop saying the boring thing. I literally think so. The guy literally got taken away in an ambulance. He hit his head really hard on the hard floor. I can never tell when you're being serious. Oh, yeah. It wasn't good. I haven't gotten to talk with you since...
You did St. Louis this weekend. Old Man Willie? Old Man Willie. He's really 91? He's 91. He was doing great. There was one point in time, though, he got up and he did this horribly loud fart.
And I just had to keep from smiling or laughing because I felt bad for him. But we just kept the conversation going like normal. The road's a little crazy out there when you don't have your own people with you, huh? It is, yeah. I got way too high before the second show on Friday night. I don't think the audience could tell, but I was freaking out, Tony. I was going full-fledged panic mode in my brain. It ended up being okay, I think. Boring! Okay.
Okay. I don't disagree.
William, anything else you're passionate about before we put a ribbon on this thing tonight? Oh, shit. Tony! Oh, shit. He's fired up. God, I watched. What was it? It was a Robert De Niro movie last night with Edward Norton, and Edward Norton is acting like this retarded guy the entire time. They're breaking. I can't even remember the name of the movie. Score. Score. Yeah, the score. Brando's in it. Man, I love the score now. Tony! Hey!
What do you love about it? Edward Norton plays a really great retarded guy on it. He really does, and he's playing the long con. I mean, he's doing it for three months, and they end up breaking into the thing. Can you do an impression of Edward Norton's performance as that character? I am going to go. And here, hold on. Let me try to... Uh-oh, he's got to go behind the curtain to start it, and here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, you may remember him from the hit movie Score. It's Edward Norton.
Where's the trash can? Oh, my God. Okay. Abort all bullshit. Fucking nailed it, Tony. You fucking crushed that shit. Thank you. Mark Wahlberg, professional actor. I couldn't tell whether that was Edward Norton or Old Man Willie, the feature from St. Louis. Yes.
What else, William, before we let you go? Oh, my God. I did finish two puzzles. I finished two 500-piece puzzles in five days. What were the puzzles of? What were in the puzzles? The real hard one. I've been doing a lot of scenes where it's kind of zoned out on, I don't know. I mean, the last one, the first one. No, the last one. Does anybody want to yell it or should I? How do you guys want to do this?
So, this was a great bar scene. There's a lot of shit going on. There's hammocks, weirdly enough. There's literally stuff in the sand. There's crabs. But the second puzzle was actually harder. It was like a zoomed in... Gosh, it was a hodgepodge of stuff. It was this table with fucking little foods on it. It was...
Well, I'm going to do another puzzle tonight, so nobody's going to fucking stop me. I'm balls deep into them right now. William, we love you. You did it again. You're unbelievable. Nice to be here. The legend of the game, William Montgomery. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. Awesome.
Thank you, Cook Unity, DraftKings, Game Time. How about one more time for the great Daniel Van Kirk, ladies and gentlemen? Go to YouTube slash Daniel Van Kirk Comedy and watch his brand new special, Rose Gold, everyone. Daniel Van Kirk Comedy.
an unbelievable fucking time. Thank you so much. I love you. We love you. Absolutely. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Nick Lewis on the bass, on the horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muehling on the electric, John B's on the keys, Red Band. Check out The Secret Show every Thursday at thesunsetstrip.com.
Yeah, absolutely. The stream still available right now for the LA Forum. The rematch between Hans Kim and Rick Diaz. A lot of your favorite stars of the show and historical figures and people performing in an arena for the very first time. Very exciting stuff happening. And yeah, MSG in August.
A lot of other fun announcements coming up, as always, at the end of those arena shows. So who knows what will happen next. Thank you, audience. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
