#661 - TONY HAWK - HARLAND WILLIAMS - IAN FIDANCE
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at tonyhinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to sunsetstripatx.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclap. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? And here we go. Mama, we made it. You're here at Kill Tony. How we doing tonight, huh?

Brought to you by Zip Recruiter and Shopify. Make some noise for the great Brian Red Band, everybody. And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez. This is D Madness on the bass guitar.

John Dees on the keys and Sean Greenberg joining us on the electric guitar tonight for the first time ever. So much fun stuff planned. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. ♪

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim forever.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Oh boy. Here we go.

Where do I begin? Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of the man who people are saying is the 2024 guest of the year. The return of one of the great comedians from New York with a brand new special coming out. And the greatest of all time. I present to you, Tony Hawk. Kill Tony. Tony Hawk.

Ian Fidance's special wild, happy, and free out April 21st at YouTube slash B&EanPod. Welcome back, Ian. How are you? Hey, all right. I'm happy to be here, Tony. Thanks for having me. Fuck yeah. The great and powerful Tony Hawk's first appearance on the show. Thank you.

Thanks for the invite. I thought this show was about me this whole time. It could be tonight. Anything can happen. And the return of who many are saying is the undeniable greatest guest in the history of the show. This is Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, he's going to throw up. Oh, no. Oh, no. Hey, oh, God.

I just want to say it's an emotional night for me to be here. I'm very happy to be here. My sister, as many of you know, is in the hospital tonight. And she finally got the brace off her eyes. And she was born, as we know, her eyes were really far apart, like a hammerhead shark. And...

Well, maybe somebody better get on the fuck off bus. Nobody laughs at old fucking Hammerhead. Well, laughter is the best medicine. Hopefully your sister's watching tonight. She is watching from two different rooms. And here we go.

You guys know how it works. Tony Hawk's first time. So I'll tell you, Tony, a bunch of people signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Pull the name. Our runner goes and grabs them from the bar across the street. Poor choices here on the world famous 6th Street.

Dirty 6th, absolute chaos out here on these streets on a Monday in Austin. So they go chase that guy down and they wrangle him while our first performer who does a brand new 60 Seconds every single week performs. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Silly, wild, a goddamn firestorm of energy. It's real. He exists. I present to you a brand new minute from one of our greatest regulars, the great and powerful

KC Rocket! Alright, I'll talk about it. Well, Tony, you know I've been training myself to Inception, people. And no matter how hard I try, I keep going into people's dreams and hooking up with that booger guy from the Musonex commercials. And...

And we both finish, it's not that we both finish, and I think I might be in love. And every time I start freaking out, what am I thinking? What am I thinking getting involved with this guy? I got a fucking family, man. I'm the editor of the New Yorker, for Christ's sakes. And every time I feel this little slimy hand slipping over. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Right on the square of my back. And he sets me straight, he says, "It's okay, baby. I love you, baby." And I just fall to pieces. Thank you, I'm Casey Rockett. Wow. Wow. I feel like there was no jokes there, just truth.

Just a real sharing of a glimpse in the life of Casey Rockett. Hello, Casey. How do you feel tonight? Awful. Why do you feel awful? Stressed. Well, I gotta tell you, I'm surprised you didn't acknowledge it. Maybe I missed it. Did you acknowledge the fact that your eyelashes are extremely plump and long-tongued?

Oh, the eyelashes, I forgot. I... I know. I probably look like I haven't seen my own bed in a couple days. I'll tell you what, if you put pigtails in, you'd be the girl from Wendy's. How about that? We also had sex. Thank you. No, it's true. That's for real. I see it. Been an awful week. I stopped being a door guy here. I graduated from being a door guy. That's true. I've been really sad. That's true. That's true.

The second ever door guy to retire with grace and following in the footsteps of the great Cam Patterson. Every other door guy still waiting and hoping to figure out how to graduate from such a system. You know what I'm a bit mystified about, though, Tony? Huh?

As a door guy, and this may be a fault in your set, as a door guy, I didn't hear one fucking knock-knock joke. I got a knock-knock joke. Let's hear it. Knock-knock. Who's there? It's me, baby. It's me, baby.

I should have fucking known. He's back. I got a knock-knock joke. Let's hear it. Knock-knock. Who's there? The lead singer of REO Speedwagon's hair. The lead singer of REO Speedwagon's hair who? Well, there's no ending. I'm not a... What am I, a door guy? Fuck off. Do you think this crowd actually knows REO Speedwagon? We're very old, Harlan.

Well, I did though so you did yeah, you nailed it. Yeah, you guys were around when speed wagons was the best way to travel So Casey here you are staring down with long eyelashes pure retirement of door guy ism And what are your plans moving forward? What are you gonna do with all the free time that you have for yourself? That's a good question

Well, I thought of a couple things. My first plan, now that I'm not a door guy, is throw up in Fat Man and make all my friends clean it up. My second plan, clear Chris Benoit's name by finding the real killer. He's out there.

Third plan, find the lead singer of The Chicks, convince them to change their name back to the Dixie Chicks, then assassinate her for being racist. And my final plan, impress Jodie Foster by assassinating the guy who tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan to impress her.

Wow, a lot of murdering going on. There's a couple murders in there, but I have free time. I've never... It's the first time I've ever seen a man with a scroll with other paper on top of the scroll. Are you trying to reuse that scroll for something down the road, perhaps? Scrolls aren't cheap. That's a legitimate papyrus scroll. I stole it from the Louvre. They're furious. I love it. What else is going on, Casey?

Making it big. What the fuck? No, Casey, you go ahead. I thought I was supposed to get mad too. It's all you, Casey, and here he goes, everybody. I thought we were all going to get mad. I miss all of us getting mad. Me and the door guys used to get mad all the time. Oh. No, I won't be. Yeah, I have other plans. Kiss 100 Colombian baddies in 100 minutes.

This is absolutely incredible. Ian, you've seen KC Rocket before. You see him again. What do you think about all this? I think he gets prettier every time. Yeah.

It's incredible. It seems like some of the mascara, you kind of like hit your cheeks with it a little bit. I was tears. I was sobbing. I couldn't stop thinking about Greg and Greg Mucinex. And I was just back there, here to the Mucinex fortune. I was fucking falling apart. Thank God, Jesus Joshi came and he literally, quite like Christ, picked me up. Yeah. Thank you.

I'm not sure they knew who Christ was. That was good that you put it in context. Did it again. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's him. That's where you would hit it. There you go. Oh, there you go. Good stuff with the volume down. But just ready to get into my... Head into my 40s with a... With a... Just... With a stomach full of ambition and a heart full of gold. There you go. I'm only 29, so... Can I just say... Yeah.

I've got time to go. Can I just say the obvious about those eyes that I think everyone's kind of dancing around? Yeah. Guy, be honest. About 20 minutes ago, were you deep-throating someone? I don't have to answer that. You don't have to answer that. And in 20 minutes, do you want to be?

But you have made your eyes very, very pretty. Maybe perhaps you could help Harlan's sister figure out what to do post-op. You know, I am this close, this close to grinding a P.F. Chang lettuce wrap into your clit. Whoa. Someone knows how to get me fucking hot and heavy. I love that. P.F. Chang.

All right. Casey, you're an unbelievable way to start the show. What a special treat. Every goddamn week. Creative, wild, we love you. There he is. The regular. Casey Rockett.

And now, and only now, do we go to the bucket. This is where anything can happen and fucking chaos ensues. We all meet people all at the same time and it's all fucking wild. This is where we found all of our talents. It's where we found all the psychos. Anything can happen. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted by your first bucket pull of the night. Bald Mike, here we go. Bald Mike. Bald Mike.

How we doing, Mothership? Yeah, we keeping it right, huh? All right, well, yeah, they call me Bald Mike. It's not because I have cancer. I ain't dying. Don't worry. I just got a little alopecia, you know what I mean? A little bit of that jade to pink it.

And it's come in handy sometimes. I got it when I was young, so I had patches of hair and it got all frizzy. It looked horrible. But it really came in handy when my grandma died, of all times. My parents, after dealing with all the bullshit, they were like, you know what, fuck it, let's go to Disney World. And when I was a kid, I wasn't like, ooh, yay, Disney! I was just like, cool, an amusement park, let's go. Went, had a blast, it was a great time. But on the plane ride back...

My parents were like, "Fuck it, let's get loaded." So they're just getting rum and coke, beers, all that bullshit left and fucking right. And the second or third drink that they got, the stewardess came up to my mom and was like, "Listen, honey, I know this sounds weird, but God told me that I need to give you a hug." And she's like, "Is the plane going down? What the fuck is happening?" "Okay." Stands up, you know, gives her the hug.

And it wasn't until two weeks later that she realized, like, oh, fuck, that's probably because they thought he was coming back from his Make-A-Wish trip from Disney World. Dying ass. Anyway, that's my time. Okay, bald Mike. This is a very hairy situation we have here. Looks like you could have shaved some of the words out of those setups. Yeah, probably. What do we think about this guy? I would roast him more, but it looks like he's already been roasted. Yeah.

Tony Hawk. I like the punctuation with "dying ass." Reminds us. Thank you. Thank you. It is incredible. I've never seen a full-size sea monkey before. This is absolutely incredible. I'm starstruck. Harlan Williams. Well, I, uh... Look, look, can we be honest? It didn't go great, okay? And that's not a cut. Look, I'm here to mentor these guys, and...

I wanted to bring this as the only comedian on the stage with a degree from DeVry in comedy. Oh. Wow. Is that made from the same scroll Casey Rockett used? Sometimes there are little things you can do, and I'm going to mentor this kid here. Yeah.

Give me your last punchline of your last joke, and I'm going to show you a little something you can do to kind of pull the laughter from the crowd. And this is something Don Reinblatt taught me up at DeVry. Okay. Well, admittedly, I'm not a comic. I don't really have a ton of jokes. I just had that story, and of course I ran it long. Just tell me the last sentence. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't do comedy. He doesn't do improv very well either. I know. It's a...

I had a punchline that was fat people architecture, but I couldn't figure out how to word it into a joke. If you could help me. What? Just say the last sentence of the story you just said. Yeah, just say the last sentence of what you said. We are aware it wasn't funny. Say it again. Gotcha. It wasn't until two weeks later that she realized that, oh shit, that might have been because they thought he was on his make-a-wish trip back from Disney World. Okay, now watch what I'm going to do for you here.

And this is something I learned up at night school at DeVry. It does say DeVry Night School, August 11, 2014. Don Reinblatt signed it. Here he is, Harlan Williams, fixing bald Mike's non-existent punchline. So sometimes when things are so silent, you could hear two crickets sniffing a cornbread fart.

What you do, and this is what they taught me, you pull a goofy face. So I'm gonna do your last line and watch. "So my parents said this might be my takeaway trip to Disneyland." Damn, that's amazing. "Shh, I'm not fucking finished." "So do you get it now, you little whore?" I love it. Absolutely incredible.

Amazing. DeVry. Bald Mike, you say you're not a comedian. What made you sign up for the show tonight? Why are you here? Where'd you come from? Do you live here? No, I'm from Omaha, Nebraska. I'm a huge fan of the show and... Uh-huh.

Part of the reason I wanted to come up here was I was going to see if you could come up with any new roasts for me. The Sea Monkey one I haven't heard before, but I've got a couple favorites I've heard in the past. Why don't you do some of the jokes that people have made about you? That sounds fun. And then I'll know what I can eliminate off of my list. Because I have a lot here that are head and shoulders above anything you have.

But you go ahead. Let's hear some of your best ones so that you don't call me a hack afterwards. Fair enough, fair enough. Well, so there was this one time I was smoking with a bunch of my buddies in my friend's apartment, and we were smoking a blunt. It got to the end of it, and my one buddy who's black, it was him and his girlfriend. He's hitting the very end of it, and he hands me the roach. He's like, damn, bro, that's kind of a fat roach. Here you go. And at this point in my life, I was just saying, like, boy, you look like a, to whatever it was. So I hit him with, boy, you look like a fat roach. Yeah.

And I hit the blunt and he said, "Man, shut the fuck up. You look like my kneecap." -Killed me. -Do the goofy face. Do the goofy face. Yeah! That is art, ladies and gentlemen. DeVry. You are a guru. Ten years in running. Yeah. DeVry Comedy Night School. -Yeah. -I'm just glad I can help. Your black friend said you look like his kneecap. Yeah. Were you more tan?

- No. - Maybe the bottom of his foot, perhaps. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. His palm, maybe. - So this is something you've always wanted to do, just come out and bomb on Kill Tony. What do you do for a living? - I do screen printing, so I put shit like this on a T-shirt. - Okay, you have a face for screen printing, that's for sure.

No doubt about it. He looks like a hairless cat you wish would be over his nine lives. - It is incredible. - A new one. Has anybody ever sharpied eyebrows on you? - No. - Can I? Can I do that? Is that okay? Absolutely incredible. Oh, my pen slipped on your forehead a little bit. It says "gay."

God damn it. But I did. I gave you the people's eyebrow in honor of The Rock being at WrestleMania this weekend. That's a stellar eyebrow. Do it. Do the goofy face. Do the goofy face. Oh, it's much harder now. That's called goofy gay right there. Hell yeah, dude. Casey Rockets gonna put some eyelashes on you. You're gonna be a whole different guy by the end of the night. I love this. We're gonna have D Madness give you a mustache. It's gonna be fantastic. Oh, yeah.

I love it. Do us a favor. Don't wipe that off tonight. Yeah. What do you think this guy showers? Get out of here. Yeah. What's the point? Can you smell what I smell like? Yeah.

Imagine how clean his shower drain must be. No hair. That was my joke, you fucking idiot. Jesus Christ almighty. Dude, dude, go light. He's gay. I know. Ian, give him some powder. Oh, you know what's funny? This started a few weeks ago. For some reason, Bones Eye started making one joke book that is made of actual hair. What?

Ladies and gentlemen, you're getting a big joke book tonight, even though everything about you is terrible. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Bald Mike. There he goes. Crazy. I don't know what he thought was gonna happen during that minute, but... All right, here we go. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Josie Marcelino. Josie Marcelino. Here we go.

I'm autistic and bisexual like every other annoying bitch now. It's a one-to-one ratio if you have autism, you're bisexual. They don't explain why, but I have a theory. I think it's because pussy is like the coolest fidget spinner you could ever get your hands on. And just like a real fidget spinner, I don't really know how they work, but I will put my whole mouth on it, so... I said that joke to my coworker the other day, and she liked it. She laughed. It was fine. But then she just looked at me, and she was like, "Oh."

And she was like, but are you, you're not going to, you're going to say that on stage? Isn't your dad coming to the show? And I was like, first of all, no. Do I look like someone with a supportive father? No, I don't. I look like the Pornhub version of Sarah Huckabee Sanders. That's what I fucking look like. Homeless guy told me that yesterday, which was crazy. I was like, how do you know? What was she on like the front cover of your blanket? Like, how do you know who the fuck that is? Would you run into her? Thank you.

Josie Marcellino making her Kill Tony debut. Welcome. Excited to have you here. This makes three comedians in a row with drawn-on eyebrows. This is very exciting. This is a first in Kill Tony history. You've been, I think, 11 years, tens of thousands of bucket pools. This must have happened before, never before. Welcome to the show. Thank you. You have an incredible energy to you. Thank you. What do you do for a living? I'm a cook.

I am an associate producer of a TV show. Oh, wow. I signed an NDA, so I don't like to get into specifics of it. Love on the spectrum. We know. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So, autistic and bisexual. Is that true? That is true. What are some of your autistic traits? I know every country's flag, and I'm really into them. Really? Yeah. Okay. How about Trinidad and Tobago? It's a red and white striped diagonal flag. Wow. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. Yeah.

How about the transgenders? What, like their flag or like just them in general? What do I think? Either one. It's a win-win situation. Well, their flag is the cool, you know, it's the blue and the white and the pink and I'll keep my thoughts to myself. Everything's fine. No, I love them. I love them. Yes. All right. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Ian?

It looks like you're wearing a flag. Thank you. Slovakia, am I correct? Is that close? No, no, it's more of a red flag. Oh, it is Trinidad and Tobago, actually. Red band, flip that around, show the people. That's incredible. It actually is, look at that. Holy shit. Actually, it's similar, yeah. What are the odds? Wow. It was a trick all along. I knew the flag of Trinidad and Tobago, and I, all right. Okay. Okay.

Autistic and bisexual. If you had to guess, I always ask the bisexual people this. Are you 50-50? Do you have a preference? Is there one when you get drunk that you gravitate towards? What's the deal with your bisexuality? I've never understood it before. What were you going to... Oh, you look like you had a follow-up. Oh, go ahead. I think for me, like...

sexual attraction 50-50, but like in terms of relationships, it's mostly guys. Why do you think that is? I'm a nightmare. I can't have a second one of me. That's crazy. If you're autistic and bisexual, does that mean you don't make eye contact when you eat pussy? Yeah, never. Absolutely. And that's the best part about it. You just go down there and do your business. Are you making eye contact when you eat pussy? Yes. That's horrible. Do you have any... No, you gotta make Harlan's face. Oh, yeah.

I got bad news for you, buddy. You're eating them upside down. Watch... Well, if you're going to laugh. As an autistic person, have we, and I hope some of you, have we seen any of your works anywhere? No, that's artistic, Percy. So...

Josie, where do you live? I live in Philly. Philly? Yes. Oh, wow. Okay. Have you always lived there? No, I'm originally from a little small town in northern Maryland. Oh, cream cheese? Yes, that is where I'm from. What does the flag look like? Cream cheese, Maryland. Well, it's Philly cream cheese. Oh.

I need to go to DeVry Night School. Do the goofy face. Do the... Okay. I love it. So what do you... How long have you been doing stand-up? About 18 months in total. 18 months. Okay. You count it off like it's a baby or something like that. It is my baby. Okay. You love it. I do. You do it a lot? Yes. Alright.

All right. What's the most exciting thing you've ever done in your entire 18-month career? What's your, like, night of success? Like, what happened? What was your favorite night of comedy ever? What happened? I mean, I've done the last two Skank Fests, and that was really fun. Both of those shows were amazing. So I had a lot of fun there. Yeah, I've also, you know, there's just different clubs in, like, D.C., Maryland, and Philly, and those are the places I've been. So...

- I love it. - Yeah. - I love it, absolutely. You have any special skills or talents or anything other than standup? - I make costumes. - Oh. - Like a lot of them. Like I do like 31 every year for Halloween. Is that fucking Tony Hawk? - Whoa! - You walked in! - Holy shit! - Holy shit! She walked in live! - You just got to watch her bisexuality disappear in real time.

Oh my God. Was that part of your act? It wasn't. What's the flag for slow ed? Ask your mother. I don't know. Whoa. Oh my God. Uh-oh. What's happening? She is from Philadelphia. I too am autistic and you just made me have an orgasm. Thank you.

Fuck yeah. Josie, what's something we would be shocked to know about you, about your entire life? Anything crazy of any... I've lost 75 pounds. That's kind of fun. Oh, wow. Yeah. Wow. I was going to say, because she looks very sexy, but you're also a little, you know, husky. Yeah. I still got the skin. Don't worry. It's there. You wake up in the morning and punch canoes. Yeah. Yeah.

How did you lose the weight, Josie? I just put down the fork. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's what it is. You just count your calories and then eat less than you burn. Counting calories is easy when you're autistic. Yeah, exactly. Okay.

Josie, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go? You and I have the same birthday. Oh, wow. Me, you, and Kanye West, then. Yeah, June 8th. Absolutely. Gemini, the twins. There you go. No doubt about it. You look like you were eaten by your twin in the womb. Okay. All right, bitch. Wow. Whoa. For someone that lost a lot of weight, she sure is hungry for more. Yeah.

I love it. Can I ask one question? Because I'm an ink guy. I love ink, Tony. Do you have tattoos? Well, I didn't ask to see them. I fully thought you meant pens when you said ink. I was like, oh, somebody else is autistic too. That's cool. Well, I just told you I was when I had an orgasm 30 seconds ago. Keep talking. There's a second one on the way. Can I change seats? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

But I noticed you have a little tattoo on your arm there, my love. - I did. - Tell us the significance of it. We're all curious. It's a stand-up tattoo. I got it done at Skankfest. They have, like, tattoo artists there. And so I got that done this year. What is it, though? It's a very odd-- It's the stool and the mic. Oh, it's a stool and mic. Isn't that funny when people want to hear shit talk? - Oh, stool and a mic. - Okay. Stool and mic. Look, guys. Right. Fuck off.

Josie Marcelino, very fun stuff. A good enough set for a big joke book, I do believe. A fun interview. Congratulations. There you go, Josie Marcelino. All right, you get it. We're in it now. Our third bucket poll of the night has been pulled. A one-word name. Always interesting. Let's see what happens here. Ooh, I love it. Hell yeah. How about a hand for the band again, huh?

And also make some noise for your next comedian, 60 Seconds from Helena, everybody. Helena is next on Kill Tony, live here in Austin, Texas. - So my older brother is a teacher now. I've never known less in my life. This guy was trying to convince me the other day that slavery was bad. Dog, that was peak America. We're still chasing that high. If you think that money can't buy happiness,

You need to reconsider slavery. Imagine having the fattest stack of greenbacks at the auction. They bring out David Lucas. The biggest three-fifths anyone's ever fucking seen. I would buy the hell out of that guy in the olden days. You'd get his kids. But all the cute colors are always sold out. Thanks, Obama. Okay, Helena. Helena. Helena.

Thank you for joining us. Must have been a long trip to get here from the Civil War. What the fuck? How did you get here? Via REO Speedwagon? Some real highbrow comedy there as we continue the streak. Motherfucker said, thanks, Obama. This is indeed the fourth comedian in a row with drawn-on eyebrows. If you had that...

If you had that on your Kill Tony bingo card, if you bet at DraftKings, the sportsbook app, if you bet $1 on four comedians in a row but drawn on eyebrows, you just won $3.5 billion. All you needed was $1 to win $3.5 billion. That's at the DraftKings sportsbook app now.

Holy shit, where, okay, Harlan, go ahead. Oh, I'm just, it's refreshing to see comedy with a KKK. She looks like she got dragged here through the Underground Railroad. It is incredible. Where are you visiting us from, Helena? And in that dress made of cotton. Oh, D Madness is... D Madness has seen enough.

Okay, so let's talk about it. Helena, have you ever done stand-up comedy before? No. Okay, so what made you want to do it here tonight on this show? The crystal meth made you do it. Probably, yeah. Go ahead. No, I just, I'm like kind of delusional. This is just what I've decided to do. When did you decide to do this? What made you do it? Yeah, sure, anything, yeah. I...

Like a year ago. And this is your first time signing up? No, I signed up like early February. And you didn't get up? No. And here you are. Here I am. And this is what you prepared for. Yes. This is what I prepared for, yes. Okay. I'm just curious, why do the questions keep coming after she said she was delusional?

That's a good point. I don't know. He's trying to squeeze a dry orange over here, it appears. Helena, what do you do for a living? I'm an electrician. What do you do for a living? I'm an electrician. You're an electrician. Oh, that explains the hair. Yeah. That shit is fried. Did your hair go to defry comedy school? No!

It is unbelievable. You are an electrician, obviously. Not that great at your job. You've been shocked before, am I correct? I have been, yeah. Many times. No, just twice. Just twice. Okay. Absolutely. Okay. So what made you write an ultra-racist set tonight? That's a good point. You know, I was thinking about it, and...

I just kind of wanted to go edgy. I don't know. What do you have against black people? Is it because your lips are so small? Yes. It is a little bit of the envy aspect, I would say. I also have the flattest ass that there is. Yeah, you do. You look like the Wicked Witch of the West Side. You know what I'm saying? Have you ever been with a black man?

No. Have you ever been on a date with a black man? No. Have you ever even said hello to a black man? I have. While not working? Yes, I have. Do you have any black friends? Yes, I do. Name your black friends. First names only. Go ahead. Starting now. Erwin. He's my brother-in-law. Oh, that doesn't count. Actual friends, not relatives. Nice and easy on the music so that we can hear. Go ahead. Rattle them off. Here we go. All your black friends. Helena's. Welcome to another episode of Helena's Black Friends and Go.

Maceo is a black friend. That is a really good question. No, black people don't like me. There you go. I wonder why that is. We should ever call Maceo and say those jokes to him on the phone. How do you know Maceo? Huh? How do you know Maceo? We went to elementary and all through high school. When's the last time you talked to Maceo? Honestly, like a few years ago. I think like four or five years ago.

This is incredible. Dude, yeah, we're not tied. I'm from Utah. What? I just moved here from Utah. Okay. So that's why I'm not, there's not that many black people there. Utah famously light on the black people. 1.6% black people in Utah. I know this. We looked it up. Cam Patterson wrote a joke about it. It's funny.

Completely. I don't know anything about funny, so. I know. I know. Very good. Helena, before I let you go, what's the most interesting thing about you or your life that would surprise us or we would find interesting at all? I think probably the most interesting thing about my life is I go back to the same place in my dreams like 80 to 90% of the time. Oh. What? Is it a Proud Boys meeting? Yeah.

Tony! Is that Tony? Tony! Yes! Oh my gosh. Tony! Tony! Tony is killing. Kill Tony.

So here we go. What is that dream? I don't know, dude. I honestly, like two years ago is when I started having these dreams and they just kind of started like showing up more and more. You can't describe it at all? I can describe the hell out of it. It's insanely specific and consistent from day to day. Okay, what is it? Like your dream to dream. So, I mean, there's like a city part and then there's like a forest part and then like the city has...

all sorts of crazy shit. There's this really big oval building that's got multiple floors and it's got like trees in the middle of it. Oh, this is terrible. All right, here's a little joke book. There you go. Helena, everybody. We're going to keep it moving. Oh my God. Holy shit. It's a fucking psych ward here tonight. Oh yeah. You know what we should do? We should get one of our regulars up here. Do a complete reset.

I was taking a shit and I just ran up here. I'm out of breath, I'm tired. We're gonna make it happen or else it's gonna be good. I've been around a lot of white people for a year now. I've been in Austin for a whole year.

A whole year, dog, and y'all changed how I think about shit. I said how I think about everything. Like, I used to steal shit when I was a kid. I used to steal a lot of shit. And now when I see something I could steal like a whore, I could buy it and then write it off on my taxes. 'Cause that's how y'all steal. Y'all steal smart. Y'all steal from the government, you know what I'm saying? That's smart as shit. Like, I used to break in houses. I used to break in houses when I was a kid. Now I see houses and I go, "Ooh, that house probably got great equity."

You get what I'm saying, nigga. You not laughing, but you get it, bitch. My homeboy can't leave the state of Florida because he has a PR officer and he got arrested for a lot of bullshit. And it hurt my heart because he can't leave. That's my nigga and I love him. We blocking that. Not like that. Not no gay shit, but that's my dog and I love him. You feel what I'm saying? And I love him, but I wanted to leave the state and his PR officer, he couldn't leave the state of Florida. He said he couldn't leave. And, um...

When she told him that, you know what I'm saying, it hurt my heart. I was like, "That's my dog." But y'all side of me was like, "Well, if you wasn't doing bad shit, nigga, you could leave the state of Florida." Funny face. - Motherfucker. Unbelievable. Wow, he just got his own diploma. - Come on now, man! - Bitch! Wow.

Wow. Night school meet night school. This is incredible.

Wow. I fucking loved that set, Cam Patterson. Absolutely incredible. You're talking about stuff that is so up your alley, your true perspective. You used to steal shit. That's just fucking hilarious all the way. Because it is true. The write-offs and everything. The more you learn about that shit, the more it is incredible. Y'all teach me a lot of shit, man. I really appreciate that. Hell yeah.

Absolutely. I'm learning. What's up, Tony? You good? Hell yeah, man. This is crazy as fuck, dog. I hear you. I had a skateboard one time when I fell and I broke that bitch in half and I never did it again. But it was because of you, though. I did it because of you and I hated it. I didn't like it at all. But I'm a big fan. I'll never get back on that bitch. I was terrified after that. I was scared as shit.

He can help you. He taught Bobby Lee how to do an ollie in one hour. - This is true. - For real? - This is true, yeah. - I'll do it now. I'll get back on if you teach me. Nobody else can, just you. - You're welcome. - Yeah. - Open invite. Absolutely. - Hell yeah. You heard that, right? - Just sign the waiver. - Okay. Hell yeah. - Yeah. It says no stealing anything. - That's all it's saying. Big letter. Just don't steal shit, nigga. That's it.

Amazing stuff, Cam Patterson. I love it. That's real, by the way. That works. So what else is going on, Cam? You're killing it. Another amazing weekend of shows in Dallas and Houston. Yeah, yeah. Houston was fun for everybody else. I bombed. I bombed real bad. You bombed? Oh, you didn't hear what I said when I walked off stage? No. You said, how about I say I hate them and I'm going to kill myself? That's what I said. Oh, really? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I don't ever actually listen to anything that anybody says during that part. It's a little fun fact. If you ever see two comedians, like, da-da-da-da-da, it's just bullshit. Good job. Way to do it. I'm like, I hate them. I'm going to die today. I was sad. But, you know, it's learning experience. You know what I'm saying? Shit happens.

Well, what do you think went wrong there? What was the vibe? A little too fast. A little too fast. You know what I'm saying? Wasn't hitting the pocket. You know what I'm saying? Shit like that. Yep. Timing and pacing. When I got out, I started throwing shit. It was bad. I feel like I lost March Madness. Nigga, it was bad. You were throwing stuff afterwards? I was throwing shit. Oh, shit. I'm not vomiting.

I'm an athlete at heart, bro, so Bombing J hit me in my soul, you feel what I'm saying? That's a loss I lost. Like, they beat me. I won today, you know what I'm saying? But in Houston, they beat the shit out of me, boy. They got me, dog. Now when you go out, buddy, you hold up that degree, and you're not going to have any problems.

I'll never lose again, baby. You feel what I'm saying? I love it. Yeah, Houston was one of the only shows where I didn't catch any of your set. I was up in the green room up until the very last second. I'm glad you didn't see it. Yeah, well, I thought you did great. You told me tonight, now I know that you're struggling. No, no, no. I love it. Cam, you're a sensation. What else is going on? Anything else crazy in life? Nothing too crazy. You know it's weird, but I ain't going to, you feel what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah. No, he has some stuff going on. Yeah, we ain't gonna talk about that. Yeah, no, we shouldn't talk about that. There's an itch. We'll talk about it eventually. One day we'll talk about it, but not right now. Yeah, yeah. Maybe like a New Year, or maybe like the form or something. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That sounds about right. But he's got some stuff going on in his life that, you know, maybe we've all been through. And, um... Oh! Ah! Ha ha ha!

No, it's okay. It'll be all gone in a week. Do you have a toilet flush? Do we have a toilet flush? There you go. No, but I got a ticket to Six Flags. There it is. Poor baby. All right. Oh, I get it. There are other states. Other states nearby. You're right. That's not the thing. That's not it. That's not it. Well, Cam...

One door closes, another one opens. A fantastic fucking set. Way to do it. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. A goddamn sensation. Fun, fun, fun. But now we go back to the bucket. Let's meet another poor soul. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Could be the next star of the show.

Could be another eyebrowless human being. Make some noise. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Thank you. Those are real eyebrows, real everything. Heidi is all natural, absolutely stunning. We love her. Sheena with three As, .hg, is that right? Something like that. Oh, my God, thank you so much. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Thank you.

And with that, make some noise for your next bucket poll. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Sean Vance. Here we go. Sean Vance. My name's Sean. I grew up black belt Christian. We're talking ninth degree non-D-noms, all right? And we believe that premarital sex was just a direct ticket to hell. Now, I didn't want to go to hell, but my banana was booking flights. Dude.

People say the devil's in the details, but dude, for me, he was in my wiener. Oh, that son of a bitch. I was getting hired everywhere. I was so ashamed just walking around with this rock-hard sin stick in my pants. What I would do is I'd tuck it into my waistband and I'd cinch my belt shut, like, "Ooh, you like that, you little pervert?" My dick would be like, "Mm, tighter."

It's fucking hard, dude. I tried so hard to be a good boy, but there's no winning with the dark lord in your drawers. Yeah. You either service him during the day or he destroys your underwear at night. Right? I just think it's unfair, right? If God's gonna make it that way, I think he should have done my laundry. Not my mom. All right, that's it for me. All right. Sean Vance.

Welcome to the show, Sean. Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing stand-up for about a year. One year. Where at? Phoenix. Okay. This is your first time in Austin? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Coming to check it out. This is what brought me here. How long have you been here? I drove in yesterday night. Okay. You came here specifically for this? Fuck yeah. And look at that. So this is your first time signing up. You got pulled. Yeah. How does it feel? Oh, I'm so thrilled. Absolutely. I mean, I wish it had gone a little bit better, but I feel okay. Right. Ian, finance. Finance.

I thought, I liked your act outs. You really like committed and got into it. I thought that was really cool. Thanks. I think you have a lot of issues with the way you talked about things. Just like, there was a lot behind some of the things you said. Yeah, it's dark. It's dark in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you called your pee-pee a good boy or something at one point. That was a lot. Sometimes it's a good boy, sometimes it's not. Oh!

Whoa, so naughty. Harlan, I think I just came. - Yeah. - No, that was great. For doing it a year, I thought that was really great, man. I thought that was great. What do you do for a living? I'm a writer. - What are you writing? - I write film and television.

I'm as close to successful in film and television as you can come without being. So what that means is I, okay. So my background, my history is I started in special forces. I moved to Los Angeles about 10 years ago, started doing comedy. I became a personal trainer. I got in at this gym called rise nation or rise movement, which is like, it was like a quintessential Beverly Hills trained celebrities kind of gym. At the same time I was pursuing comedy, doing groundlings. And, uh,

I sold my first show to Netflix. It was called The Green Berets Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse with Matt Damon and Peter Berg that I starred in, wrote, and executive produced. And it got canceled because of Me Too. I didn't do anything. No. Sure. That goddamn Matt Damon's out there acting up. That's right. That's exactly who it was. It was Matt Damon, yeah. Was it really? He said that there's a difference between rape and bad behavior, and that got a shitload of backlash, right? Well, there...

Hold on, wait. He said that there's a difference between rape and bad behavior? Yeah, I believe he was defending Louie. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. And then they were upset about it. I had written a joke in the script, right, that was anti-woman is what they said. Get out. Yeah. Mr. My Banana Be Booking Flights. It was. Yeah.

Just keep blaming the devil stick in your pants. That goddamn son of a bitch. Does it all come from a real place? Do you get hard? You're a hard and horny guy? Growing up especially, yeah. What about nowadays? What's going on nowadays? Well, I'm married and we bang all the time. Really? Cool! Okay.

Fuck yeah, dude. I'm in that pussy. That's your wife. Jesus. She loves it. How long have you been married for? 15 years. Explain to these people and everybody here how you keep it exciting in the bedroom after 15 years. Well, a lot of people think that it goes down, but for me, it has gone only up. And the key to marriage is MDMA. I don't know if you guys have done it.

It's not a joke. It's not a joke, dude. If you do MDMA with your partner and you really open up, like you share your soul, you let her in, dude, by the end of the night, she'll let you cum on her face. Wow. It's fucking... I mean... Wow. We tried anal, dude. It was fucking... Ah! She did not like it, though. Wow.

What in the hell is MBMA? You haven't sexed out on Sesame Street? What the fuck? That's what I thought at first, no. Maybe get a girl who knows how to spell there, guy. Yeah, what's a midba? Midba, yeah. Molly, ecstasy. On the street, they call it ecstasy. When you do it therapeutically, it's called MDMA. That's the pure one. Yeah. I did it for trauma, not just for the sex.

Okay. That was mostly for the sex. You ever do angel dust and go to Staples and fuck an inkjet printer? Not yet. You know what they say, one in the inkjet, two in the stinkjet. And that's why this is the number one live comedy podcast. I love it.

So you said you were in the Special Forces guy? Yeah, I was a Green Beret. Did you have... I mean, we got to ask, and sometimes, you know, like Tony, we got a little touchy, but we got to keep it real. Did you ever kill a guy? No, no, I missed out on that. You will. Yeah. One day.

I cannot imagine if you would have killed a guy, how hard your cock would have been. Oh, boy. No waistband could hold that thing. That's right. Let me ask you this. Were you ever close to killing a guy? Mostly just my drill sergeants. So what did you do exactly in the Special Forces? What was your Special Force? He was a secretary. Yeah, I was a secretary. No, I was an 18 Delta, which is a Special Forces medic.

18 Delta, that's the weed that doesn't really get you high? Yeah, I think so. They have that out here, right? We've got the real stuff in Arizona. Oh, it's a sponsor. Just kidding. I love it. I don't even smoke actual delicious, perfectly fine marijuana anymore. Once Joe Rogan started drug testing us here at the Comedy Mothership, I switched to 18 Delta. And I love it. Yeah.

Me too. Yeah, it's good. You should try 19 American Airlines. That stuff's really good. I'll tell you. You could sit the fuck down immediately. Yeah. Yeah, sir, sit down. You just fucked up that American Airlines joke. My teacher, that would have worked, and then this fucking guy. Ma'am, if you could spin your head around like a baby owl. Ha ha ha!

Sir, if you could close your legs, it smells. Wow. No, I mean, this guy's legs are wider than Sharon Stone at a Spread Eagle concert. Oh, my goodness. You are just flexing some of Don Reinblatt's best teaching thoughts.

I fucking love you, Harland Williams. So much fun. Tell us the craziest thing about your life, Sean, because there's a lot of crazy behind those eyes. I know you keep it together pretty well, but tell us the, like, the really, in real life, the wildest thing about you. The wildest thing about me? In college, so I was super Christian growing up, as I said in my set. Super what? Christian. Very Christian, right? Very, you know, I didn't smoke or drink in high school. Mm-hmm.

And then I went to college and I tried weed for the first time and that shit's good. Wow. Thank you. World's worst undercover cop, ladies and gentlemen. I'll tell you. That shit's good. Anybody have any? My goodness. I love weed. That shit is good. Am I right? Does anybody have a felonies worth amount? Yeah. That dope. It really is. Yeah.

Yeah, anyways, I tried weed, and that was really a gateway for me. I threw my life away after that. No, my wife, I can't throw her away. She's too strong. No, I threw away a full right track. I got kicked out of college pretty quickly for fighting, smoking weed in my dorm room. What was the first thing? Fighting. Oh, fighting. Yeah, Loyola, Marymount. Fuck those guys. Right, yeah. Is that by Cream Cheese Maryland? Okay. Yeah.

And then I got in trouble for stealing and I got a bunch of community service on the Caltrans freeways. Just from smoking weed? Well, no, it was a bunch of things. I had actually stolen $16,000 worth of groceries from Albertsons. What the fuck? Was that in one trip?

No, it was many trips, dude. It was many trips. Because of the munchies? Wait a second. How much did you steal? $16,300 is what they had me for. How does this happen? What kind of fucking meat heist is going on over here? Salmon on me, boys! We only have a few days. We have to eat.

It's right, I was Robin Hood of the dorms, dude. I was just stealing stuff for everybody. Every single week, I would just go, I went to college on a track scholarship, right? And I had really no concept of the real world because I had left this bubble I grew up in. And I sort of thought that the, you know, anything I wanted to do, I could do. Like, I had a journal I wrote in it. The only thing that- All right, go ahead. Can I write gay on your forehead? Okay, go ahead. I saw you guys.

It's crazy because lots of things can stop you, not just fear. Like freeway meth, which is what stopped me. You tried it? After I got in trouble for the stealing, I had to pick up the freeway, right? Caltrans. And I found a... Wait, you had to pick on a trans freeway? What does that mean? Does it go both ways? It used to be a residential road, but now it's saying it's a freeway. Trans freeway. Okay. There you go. All right. It's what the T stands for and it's PTSD. Yeah.

So anyways, I found a bag of meth and I did it all in one night and overdosed. Do the face. Do the face. There we go.

Hey. Thank you. All right. Sean Vance, fun stuff. What a Christian, though. Can we just say that? Yeah. I was. I was a really good Christian. Stealing and unbelievable. Personal training was fun, too. You got to train a lot of celebrities. Say that again? I was a personal trainer. I trained a lot of celebrities. Anybody else here tranny?

Training? I thought you said personal training. Personal training, yeah. Yeah. It was a weird world. Yep. Yep. Absolutely. I used to train Whitney Cummings, one of your guys' friends. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. How was that? It was fun. She was a great client. Right. You two crazy fucks just out there. We would just giggle and say nonsense. She's strong. Yeah, she is strong. She actually really is. Yeah. Yeah.

Stronger than Bradley Cooper, for sure. You worked out with Bradley Cooper? Oh, yeah. He was the worst client I ever had. Whoa, tell us more. Don't you dare. Now, it's not fair to say that because I am a man. He gets along really great with all the ladies. What are you implying? That if I was a lady, he would have liked me.

I was just a junior trainer and I think he was like, "Get this guy with PTSD away from me." It's 'cause every time he re-racked you were like, "Is that a bomb?" Yeah. Wow.

So he wasn't nice to you? No, no. It wasn't that he wasn't nice. He was just a little bit aloof. Like the first 15 minutes of the workout, he just wouldn't say hello. Would you describe him as shallow? Shallow, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la? Yes. Here's a joke, Buck. We're all bombing up here. There he goes. Sean Vance, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along.

♪ In the sha-la-la-la-la-lo ♪ ♪ We're far from the shallow now ♪ Harlan gets me in a silly mood. I don't know what's going on here tonight. Make some noise for your next comedian, Gordon Dixon, everybody. Gordon Dixon. I don't know, I just feel the DeVry running through my veins. Make some noise for Gordon, everybody. - What's up, Austin? Make some noise! - There you go. - Hell yeah, man. Just moved here from Florida, hooked up with all-- Yeah, Florida in the building!

Hooked up with an Austin Cougar last night, you know what I'm saying? Sister Elder was an amazing woman, man. She was amazing. She was 88, so it was definitely past Cougar. She was triceratops, bitch. That's what that was. Just extra old. She had one of them old 1930s bushes that started at the top of the belly button, right? And it went all the way down up the back into a fade. It was a strong bush.

I called it Busch Gardens. That's how thick it was. It was roller coasters and shit. It was a great time. She was an old hoe, man. She's like, I want all hoes filled, even the one in her neck, because she was a smoker. So, you know. But I just put the tip in. I didn't want to kill the bitch. I love her. You know what I'm saying? She got dementia. She forgot about me five minutes later. Anyways, I was like, just the tips is the elder. Let's go. She died today, so I was fucked up. She did it.

I went to her gravesite and just left a pack of menthols and sprinkled some nut on it just to be like, I miss you, Sister Elder. All right, that's my time. I'm Gordon Dixon. Thank you. Gordon Dixon, everybody, making his Kill Tony debut. Hi, Gordon. How you doing, man? How you doing? Fun, fun, fun. Is any of that true? Yes, but it's not true here. That was in Florida, but yes, it is. She was 68. She wasn't 88, but she was, you know.

Okay. She was oldly. Did you really jizz on her grave? No, no. Just the menthols. I leave it. No, she's not dead, right? No. She might be dead. How long have you been doing stand-up, Gordon? I've been doing it four and a half years. Four and a half years. What city exactly? Tampa, Florida. Okay. Very good. What do you do for a living? I quit my job. Well, I got fired from my job and my girlfriend left me. You used to... There it is. You got fired from...

Installing cable for Time Warner. Yes, exactly. No, seriously. For Diddy. I installed cable for Diddy. I didn't suck the whole dick and he was like, just the tip knob, bro. Okay, okay, okay. This part, during the interview part, we just told the truth. So what did you really get fired from? No, I was a recycling truck driver for the city of Clearwater and I failed my drug test. So they were like, you gotta go. What was the drug that got you popped?

popped it was edible it was a good ass edible oh shit yeah but i had a drug test six months before that so i was like i wasn't normally it's like a year later you'll get drug tested and yeah they got me man that was a half black in me they were like we're gonna get that how long ago did you get fired oh it's been about four months now so in december so how have you been surviving i had a pension i cashed that out and then yeah i was like i'm out how much was the pension for

Let's just say it was... Let's just say the actual honest answer. $15,000. Okay, that is fucking good for a recycling company. Hell yeah. Okay. All right. So...

What do you do for fun? Florida people tend to be wild. Tell the truth. Right now, for fun, meth off of homeless people's backs. Let's do it. Again, do you hear the response that not? I honestly answer. It's just comedy. I just moved here. So just comedy. I'm trying to get on stage. You moved to Austin. I just moved to Austin. Okay, beautiful. How long ago? Two weeks ago. Oh, sweet. Here you are. You're on the show. Yep.

How's it been going for you here in Austin? It's a struggle, man. It's a struggle. Tell us more about what you mean by it's a struggle. It's a struggle. Well, you go to a mic and there's 800 comics, and then you got to wait in line and get up on that stage. And fuck it. Whoever's there, y'all going to get these jokes however you're going to get it. That's right. I didn't move out here for nothing, so fuck it. I'm going to get on stage wherever I can. That's right. I mean, that's how it was in L.A. and New York just a few years ago. 800 open micers everywhere. Go ahead, Harlan Williams. I don't mean to steer away from...

you know, your origins and what you're doing. But I told you I'm an ink guy. I love tattoos. And I noticed you have some on your inner arm there. What are those? So, all right. Everybody's like, did you Google? I'm like, this is faith and love in Japanese. Wow. I used to be a Jehovah's Witness. So I was like, let me get out of that and I'm going to get a tattoo. And then that's what I did. Do you read Japanese? Yeah. No, I don't. Okay. Well, I do. And that's a dinner number four. Okay. I'll take it, bro. I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it.

You better get your ass up to the gig, man. I need it back. What other tattoos do you have? Show us more. I have both my grandmother's on my arms here. Oh, wow. My dad's mother and my mom's mother on these sides. Are they alive or dead? They're both dead. They both passed away. Here we go again. Here we go. Tony, you want to take this one? Tony Hawk! Oh, shit, bro. Shit. Shit.

I prefer not to. I feel like not even the face is going to save this one. Well, the good news is we're tracking down where your grandmothers are buried and we're going to jizz on their graves. Hell yeah. They would love it. They would love it. They would love it.

You would resurrect him. Jordan, do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? You good at anything? I used to sing a little bit in my dad's band. You used to sing? I used to sing a little bit. What kind of band were you in? My dad did Motown shit, so I was a backup singer with him. Okay. All right. What was the name of the band? It was...

The JWs. We were Jehovah's Witnesses, so yeah. Whoa, really? Yeah. The name of the band was the JWs? We did the dances and everything, man. What was one of the songs that you used to do back then? I'll do it for you. I know the song. We would do like Temptations. Hallelujah.

Yeah, after we got fucked. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Okay. But what was one of the songs the JWs used to do? We did like Motown stuff, Temptations, you know what I mean? Like what? Would you do any originals? No, they didn't. No, they just did covers. Like what? Can you name one cover? One cover we did, Celebration. Celebration. Yeah, Temptations. Okay. You guys know that one? Yeah. One, two. Oh, you're going to want me. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

Okay, we're gonna celebrate good times tonight? All right, come on, white people, let's get the clap going. Yeah, here we go. You better fucking try. You better do it. There's a party going, yeah. Let's celebrate. All right, no, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop. I can see why you were one of the backup singers. This is horrendous. Oh, my God. Now I see why you're getting cougar pussy out there. I gotta get what I can get.

Wow. Are we going to cut the cake soon? I feel great about it. Gordon, fun times, my friend. Congratulations. You're going to leave here with a little joke book. I'll take it. Gordon Dixon. There he goes, everybody. Keep it moving along. Woo-hoo! Make some noise. Another one-named comedian. Make some noise for Sunshine, everybody. Here comes Sunshine to the stage. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Fuck yeah, who better to spin your eclipse with than sunshine? 'Cause God knows you didn't fucking see it when the clouds were out there, am I right, fuckers? God damn it. I don't know, I, uh... I know, hey, calm down, fellas. I know I'm a tall drink of hot dog water, but take it easy, okay?

I know, just keep it in your pants, all right, for fuck's sake. I can't hang out too long, though. I do need to get back and go to the Tilt-A-Whirl that I'm operating. I hate how much you love these jokes. I do, I hate it. But, you know, I do, I gotta go, 'cause those kids, they're getting sick. They've been on there for a long fucking time. You know, somebody's gotta hit the red button, for fuck's sake, God love 'em.

you're thinking does she really dress like a toddler every day of the week yeah no it's not just for the eclipse it's fun i like to keep all the patterns all the colors all the i like to move a lot move a lot hot dance hot dance we're keeping the ai guess and we don't want the robots to find us we're hiding from putin we're having a good time people fuck yeah fuck yeah dude i like it yes yes

I am if a piñata was a person, am I right? You just want to beat me up a little bit and see if I got some candy in me, right? I don't know. I don't know if it's been-- Yes! There you go. Sunshine, over here, Sunshine. Relax. It's over, Sunshine. I am terrified. You're okay, you're okay. Sunshine, you're okay. Just take a breath. Take a breath. God, unbelievable. Sunshine, can I call you Melanoma? Please, please.

If you don't, the doctors will, so thank you. - You know, here's what I love, how life is cyclical. You know, when John Wayne Gacy passed away, who knew that his overalls would show up at a Goodwill and you would find them? - It is incredible, Sunshine. I feel like I know everything about you with, and I have never talked with you before. This is incredible.

I mean, so let's just jump right into it. God bless us both. I love it. You know when Black Lives Matter got rid of Aunt Jemima? This is what it turned into. It's true. It's just nice to meet the old lady from that guy's last set. This is incredible. Sunshine, welcome to the show. Have you ever done stand-up before?

Yeah, I've been doing it about six months now. Okay. What made you want to start doing stand-up comedy? I mean, I've loved stand-up since I was like 9, 10. I was watching Insomniac, you know, Dave Attell and stuff. Of course. Yeah. A great comedian. Yeah. I mean, fucking legend. I saw him here a couple of months ago. I don't know if any of you saw him. I'm sure you did, Tony. It's okay. Just keep going. It's cool. We're having a good time. We're plugging. We're plugging. How about that...

Hot Cross Buns. Okay. Let's go back to the question that I asked you here, Sunshine. Really focus. Over here. Look over here instead of to the masses. What? Um...

No, I got turned on to your show maybe six, nine months ago, and then also at the same time got really into the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. And so I was like, tits up, bitch, let's go. And so we just got out there, you know what I'm saying? We're having a good time. Ian likes it, he likes it, he's wet. It looks like you weren't able to convince your tits to actually go up. I know. I know.

They are small but mighty, Tony. They are small but mighty. There is indeed another eclipse happening here. How often do you get sick, Sunshine? You look like you get sick about every week. No.

No, no, I'm hearty and strong like a bull. Is that true? Oh, yeah. I could haul you up the stairs, no problem. I don't think you can. I'll strap you to my back like a bridge. I'm positive you cannot. I'm positive you can't. Let me ask you this. You ever put Lego in your overalls and then do some diarrhea and make brown waffles? Fuck yeah. Who doesn't? Good question. I thought so. I love to make brown waffles in my Lego overalls. Yes. Yes.

What do you do for a living, Sunshine? I clean houses. Okay. And take names. All right. You do that. Where do you do that at? Here, there, and everywhere. Wherever they'll let me in the door, really. Okay. Let me be more specific with the question. Where do you live, Sunshine? I live here in Austin. I live right here. How long have you lived in Austin? About seven, eight years now. Seven or eight years. Where's your tent? Oh!

Over on the Riverside median, baby. We're keeping it busy out there. What is your exact living situation? Because I'm not kidding. The smell of patchouli is strong. It smells like what she looks like up here. That's right, it does. It's fucking frightening. I doused up extra for you, Tony. So, Sunshine. Ian. I knew you could smell me. Ian, don't laugh at horrible shit, Ian. It's getting to the point where you're having a little bit too much fun. It's just so bad. I do.

- I live in a house, it does have a roof. - How many other people live in the house, Sunshine? - Just me and my boyfriend. I know, I know, I have a boyfriend. It's shocking, I get it. I look like I eat box, but only recreationally. - You're adorable, I like your style. What is your bathing routine? - It's coming up, we're coming up, Tony, we're coming up.

We're getting there, pumpkin. For those of you keeping track, though, a fun fact is that she also has no eyebrows whatsoever. Oh, my God. It is incredible. Get the Sharpie. Get the Sharpie. All the hair went from her eyebrows to her armpits. That's crazy. It all ran right through.

- No way! - Sunshine, what else do you like to do? What else are you into other than stand-up comedy? - Oh, you know, I like to go out to Lady Bird Lake with my paddle board and look for bodies, you know. - What else? - Oh, shit, dude. I like to sing. I'm a singer. - You're a singer. Well, we had a singer on here before. What do you like to sing? - Would you like to hear some Amy Winehouse or some Janis Joplin? - Let's go Amy Winehouse. What song do you know how to do?

Try to make me go to rehab. I said no, no, no. Oh yes, I've been blamed. But when I come back, you know, know, know. The time that if my daddy thinks I'm fine.

All right, I'm going to save you, sunshine. There you go. Are you at it? We're having a good time, Tony. I don't know what you're doing. I just hope you and Amy Winehouse have the same ending. Yeah. I don't like pills as much. She didn't even know those lyrics were her song. No, I knew the song. Neither did Amy at the end. It was a very authentic performance. Harlan Williams? Maybe she's more like a singer sewing machine and she put together another outfit. How about that?

But I love that name, Sunshine. It's beautiful. And I got to know, Sunshine, if you have twins, are you going to name them the two scoops of raisins? I don't know what those names are, but for you, Harlan, anything. Yeah, sure. All right. I'll see you later tonight. I like sunshine. But I don't need to be reproducing. I don't need to be reproducing. Let's be honest. What, Ian? I don't need to be reproducing.

I like you. You're authentically yourself. I look like jokes are pretty funny, and if you can do those with other things, I think you'd be all right. I like your vibe. You're fucking nuts. Sunshine, I like you too. Open up that little pocket there on the front. Pull it out. I'm going to make this. They don't let me take anything in here, Joey. I'm going to make this joke book in there. Just pull it out. There you go. Keep it open. Ready? Ready?

Oh good, close enough. That was bad. Here, let me try again. I'm OCD. - Come on. - Let me try again. Let me try one more time. There it is. I am really good at making shit into places. - Yeah, great job. - It would've fucked with me all night if I didn't get that. There goes sunshine, everybody. And a special treat from sunshine to darkness.

I present to you Kill Tony Hall of Famer, one of the legends of the show, here to grace us with a performance. This is the return of David Lucas. - Yeah. I'm glad I can afford to fly first class now. Not because I want to be bougie, but the seats are bigger.

I used to hate flying coach because every time I fly a coach, they would have to bring me a seatbelt extender. And when those stewardess bring those seatbelt extenders, they hold that motherfucker high in the air. They hold that motherfucker in the air like a WCW championship belt. It's like, "Where the hell is the big show?" I'm like, "Hey, ho, put that motherfucker down."

I don't think America has an anti-trans problem. I think America has an anti-trying problem. Because nobody wants to see a fuckin' 6'5" nigga in high heels. Like, nobody wants to see a 6'2" man with a fupa, you know what I'm saying? It's like, if I wanna see somebody tuck they stomach into they pants, I'll get me a Mexican bitch, you know what I mean?

Them Mexican hoes took the shit out of that stomach. It's like, "Bitch, you ain't got no belly button? What the fuck going on?" All you see is stomach. That's my entire thing. Boom. David Lucas. Again, just like with Cam, you know, the thing you look for in real comedy is, like, perspective.

Right? Something that only you can talk about. And spot on, not to make it too serious, but the seatbelt extender for you. It's both fucking, why am I blanking out? Self fucking. Deprecating. Self deprecating and fucking funny to you. Your perspective. And you nailed both. What's your favorite airline? Dallas all day. Oh, okay. They have the best snacks. Oh, my bad. Ha!

I bet. They got charcuterie boards. Nigga, that shit is... Oh, shit. Charcuterie. Is that one of your cousins? Yeah. Okay. Tony, we're so appreciative of you because you gave us that eclipse today. Wait. When you put your booty hole in the sky. Yeah!

That was Tony opening and closing his asshole. Oh, my God. Look at Harley Williams. Harley Williams, you look like Tyler Perry presents Back to the Future. Marty, in exactly 60 seconds, this Cadillac is gonna go... Well, at least I'm not back to the fucking buffet. How about that?

- The front runner for Guest of the Year 2024 flexing his DeVry night school certificate. - Hardly. - John Reinblatt is thrilled right now at his young-- - Judging by your hair, you had to audition for Elvis to stage play. - Well, that didn't go too well. Judging by your hair, the children of the corn have diarrhea.

You roast just like me. It makes no sense, but it's funny as hell. Doesn't have to. Yeah. You can't punch at me. I have no chin. You sure don't. I had to choke your chest out. I love it. Grab that nigga by the... Oh, shit. David Lucas. Tommy Hawkins here. That shit is crazy, man. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Soon you're also going to be traveling by ramp.

When they take your feet from the diabetes. You're in a wheelchair. - You was the only nigga to ride a skateboard with his ass. Y'all ever seen a booty hole back flip? - That's true. Catch me at the sex games. - Tony, I love Tony, bro. I used to play that game to death. ♪ And I'm so confused about what to do ♪ Y'all remember that song?

Yeah, that song follows me everywhere. Yeah. That shit crazy. I walk into a coffee shop, and it starts playing, and the barista's looking at me like... You're tall as shit, bro. I am. You look like Tom Brady, brother, or some shit. When I saw him in the ground, I'm like, God damn, that's a tall-ass white dude. I grew up very, like, a runt. So I got tall when I was about 16, 17, and it was fun for me because all the ramps seemed a lot smaller then, and suddenly I can go a lot higher.

Interesting. All right, all right. That's not something I, that's my joke. I'm teeing you up. Yeah. There was nothing there. I like your hair, nigga. You look like a, with that brown and gray, you look like a juvenile German shepherd. That shit crazy. Whoa, whoa. Look at your fucking hair. It looks like Predator sent his kid to Jenny Craig. Oh my God.

I got to look out for my bunny hair. Oh my God. How I let this motherfucking kung fu squirrel roast me? That shit is crazy. You look like a squirrel with a lot of knowledge. If you start collecting acorns in June... Oh my God. And I just ripped your nuts up with that last joke. Hey!

Thank you, Donnie Reinblatt. Oh, Donnie Reinblatt. Education pays. That's right. David Lucas, have you ever skated? I know you can't do thin ice, but you ever get on a skateboard before? Get your sensitive ass out of here, nigga. David's the only guy that tries to ride on a charcuterie board. You can sniff cheese and tell how old it is.

With my butthole. With his butthole. I forgot to put the booty in there. That's the only way to make it gay. Oh, my God. What else is going on, David? Tony, you dressed like you just bought a million-dollar dildo, nigga. That shit crazy as a motherfucker. This dildo was made out of melted-down rubber bands. I don't know why you got that shit on, nigga. Your ass look crazy as hell.

- Well, blazing saddles on your shoulder, nigga. - This is ostrich. Not all of us are-- - You got motherfucking camel skin that committed suicide. That nigga didn't drink water for like 60 days. - Oh my God. - Harlan, give me another one, bro. I got it. - What's that? - I want you to roast me again. I want that fucking 65-year-old roast. - What about, what about, what about-- - Harlan Chan look just like his nutsack. That shit crazy.

Yo doctor give you a prostate exam on your neck, nigga. That's crazy. Hey, Harlan. Yeah. You the only nigga with truck nuts for a chin. That's crazy. You got truck nuts. Boy, your ass out here, boy. Did you just call me the N-word? Hell yeah. Finally. What about Ian Fidance over here? You're looking at the world's fucking most diabolical pedophile and skipping right over him. He look like he got a permanent disguise mask on. You know the one that comes...

The one that come with the glasses and the nose. - Oh my God. - But back to Harlan, nigga. With that motherfucking neck, nigga, you look like a protected turkey, nigga, your ass. That's the turkey they bring out to the White House. Ain't nobody killing that motherfucker. - That's not, you know-- - Let me hear you say gobble gobble one time, nigga. - This guy goes to IHOP and looks for girls with one fucking leg.

If I get roasted by another joke from the time when niggas had to go through the back of restaurants... I used to roast my granddaddy with them same jokes, nigga. There's that N-word again. Just write it. Just write it. David Lucas, you are a force of nature. How can you not be wearing girls' jeans? Absolutely. Harlan, stand up. Let us see your jeans, nigga.

- Uh oh, uh oh. That's the real deal right there. - Hey, Harlan, your jeans came with janitor keys, nigga, your ass. You can hear that nigga walking through the hallway from my way. Harlan can open up any door in Austin, bitch, that shit crazy. - What a battle. - Look how that nigga look, boy, you out here looking like a motherfucking Mississippi preacher that get bit by a rattlesnake, nigga.

You know them preachers that let the snakes bite them and be like, "God is gonna keep me alive!" That's that nigga right there, boy. - Dude, you look like in living color after the crayons were left out in the sun. How about that? - This is amazing. What a showdown. DeVry versus Deep Fry. A battle of the titans. - I can't escape!

This is comedy at its finest. He ain't roasted by a gay and a geriatric, nigga. Hey, Harlan, you don't know it, but they hid your medicine in that liquor you drank it. This is the only city in the country where the fucking eclipse lasted three hours until he finally sat the fuck down. It's over. Give him a hand. That's my son. Give my son a hand. He's pre-op.

and son. Unbelievable. What a fucking performance. This is the difference between people out of the bucket, golden ticket winners, regulars, and then all of a sudden a Kill Tony Hall of Famer. That is David Lucas. That is

That is what he does. This is who he is. Built strong here in the Kill Tony universe. Anything you want to plug, David? What else? Hey, man, I'm all on tour all across the country, man. Just check my website out, davidlucascomedy.com. I love y'all. He's flying first class.

You've been wondering why all those Boeing flights have been going down. It's because they're front-heavy. You said give himself a plug. He should go fill the black hole in outer space. How about that? All right. Final bucket pool of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Morgan Bounds, everybody. Morgan Bounds. One more time for Morgan Bounds, everybody. Come on.

I have a problem. I want to get married real bad, but the guys I like would kill me with a gun given the chance. I like blue collar men, like hands so dirty you think you're going to get some kind of weird infection.

But unfortunately for me, I look like a lesbian crystal witch whose primary spell is like summon chlamydia. Yeah. They think I'm crazy on first glance alone and I think it's fucked up. I'm like, if you would just get to know me for 10 more seconds, you would finally realize I've got a great fucking rack. I'm multifaceted. I really am.

But I am seeing a guy and what I'm doing is every time we hook up, I make him a bomb-ass breakfast in the morning, like really Southern good breakfast. And the goal is I Pavlov him and when he sees an omelet with his eyeballs, his dick gets hard. I think that could be cool. No? No? Like he drives by a Denny's and he's like, fuck. I gotta call this bitch, dude. I fucked it up. I did. I fucked it up because the other day he got arrested in a McDonald's

Jerking off on a McGriddle.

Giving it the old Mac sauce. Thank you guys. I'm Morgan. Fuck yeah. Morgan Bounds making her Kill Tony debut. Welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Like maybe three months. Okay. All of it here in Austin? Yes. Uh-huh. What made you want to start doing stand-up? Oh, no. I don't know. I go to a lot of comedy shows and I've been known to get a giggle or two. Not tonight, but you know. Okay. Thank you. It was good. You got a giggle like that lady said.

You gotta giggle. It's fine. Three months. What do you do for a living? I am a district manager for Zoomies. Hi. So I know skateboards. Has anyone ever told you you look like Tony Hawk? You're the first today. It's a retail store and I run nine of them. What is Zoomies? So it's like t-shirts and shoes and skateboards. It's like a teen action sports retailer.

It's like a skateboard store. Yeah, kind of. Holy shit. What are the fucking odds of this? That's incredible. That's unbelievable. I might have put her on the top. Thank you. I do. That's amazing. Collusion is what that is. I love it. Do they sell pants there? Yeah, of course. Yeah. I have on pants. Okay. All right. There's something under there. We were all wondering the same thing. Red band more... Sorry, I have on pants. Red band's a little more disgusting than the rest of us, so he...

Popped the question first. You are wearing pants. Some guy's so disappointed he just broke a beer bottle over his head. He was really hoping this was a no-pants situation. Sorry. I thought he was staring so hard he dropped one of his contact lenses. Somebody went to DeVry. Can I ask you, you know, I'm a nut about ink. I love tattoos. Yes.

I see that number on your leg. What is it? It's 2494. By the way, the same year I lost my virginity. Now tell me. That's crazy. That's the year I was born, Dad. What in the name of Carol Burnett? Wow.

There she is. No wonder she's trembling. Yeah. I'm anemic and I'm scared. Wow. Tell me about that tattoo. My God. That is my father's race car number. We do drag racing and yeah, it's his 69 Nova. Wow. Wow. Incredible. Yeah. 69 Nova. He's racing a 69 Nova. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh,

What kind of races are these? It's drag race, so it's eighth mile and quarter mile on a straight track. You do a burnout and you go fast. That's it. In a Nova. In a Nova. It's badass. It's a really cool car. He has a Roadster, too, but the Nova has been around since before I was born. He's had it forever. Wow. So you're close with your dad. They live far. I don't see them often, but we're cool. We chat. Okay. That's why you're not funny. Oh, my God. That's my fucking daughter you're talking to.

- Wait, you're the-- - Watch your mouth. - No, I love it. I'm just kidding, Morgan. What do you do for fun? What else? Tell us more about you. You look like you're the mayor of Austin, Texas. You have the tattoos, the bangs, the vitamin D deficiency. - Yeah, I look like Velma on ketamine is what I would say. - That's true. That's true. - I play Dungeons and Dragons. Who guessed? - Uh-oh. Someone's fucking Hans Kim tonight.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. What is your sex life like? I've been not asking enough people that lately, but since you're not wearing pants, I feel like it makes sense. I pull. I do okay. Yeah. It's good. What type of guys are you into? She said she pulls. She has a vibrator. Oh. She fucks elves. I don't discriminate. I like tall, but I like charisma more, I guess. Okay. Yeah. Daddy's home. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Somebody's gonna 69 Nova tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, start your boners.

Incredible. Have you done stuff on stage before? I did like theater in college, which is more embarrassing than this was. What did you play during theater? What was your character? I was in a full length called Messiah on a Frigidaire, which is like a white trash. I don't know. Like they think they see the image of Jesus on a refrigerator. It's dumb, but it was really bad. Okay. It's like the Shroud of Turin in Cleveland. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I love it. What else do you do for fun before we get you out of here, Morgan Bounds? I don't know. I play video games. I do exactly what I look like I do. It's not surprising. Dungeons and Dragons, video games. What about the wild side of Morgan? What's a guilty pleasure? I like to get naked at the Renaissance Festival. Wow. Holy shit.

You get completely naked at a Renaissance festival? It depends on the day. I don't know. I'm a season pass holder, so we'll see. Oh my goodness. Tell us more about what brings you to the... What do you love about the Renaissance festival? The nighttime is really cool. It's camping and there's all these clans that do different things. You're not supposed to tell about it, but... Red Band's Googling tickets to Renaissance festival right now. Yeah. Texas one. Yeah, Texas Renaissance festival. Heck yeah. He's a fan.

He's hard as a rock because he found out they serve turkey legs there. Longest set you've ever done. You're three months in. I did. I've done a 15. I'd love to have you do five minutes at the Secret Show. Whoa.

You fucking pig. You fucking disgusting pig. You are the worst. Is he lying to me? You're the worst. Okay, that'd be great. There you go. Thursday night, you just got booked at a real show. And I'll tell you what, I'll give you a big joke book just because I was busy during your set and I don't know what happened.

Terrible. You catch like you have anemia. There she goes. Morgan Bounds, everybody. And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our final performer of the night. Indeed, ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony Hall of Famer. The man who has the record for all-time appearances on the show, all-time interviews, the reigning defending of Kill Tony. He is indeed the Vanilla Gorilla.

Philly Philanthroper. The Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, this is indeed your very own and our very own, the one and only William Montgomery. Did y'all see the eclipse today? It was actually great, but my fucking eyes have been killing me.

I actually didn't know what cost an eclipse, so I looked it up, and apparently it's when Lizzo walks in front of the sun. Fat bitch. Okay. And by the way, if you don't believe in climate change, then explain why we've had all of these eclipses lately, dumbass.

Okay. And this is a serious deal, this next one, Tony. During my last tour of Afghanistan, I came face to face with a jihadi. I had a gun to his head, he had a gun to mine. So I said, "Well, can I bum a smoke?" He shook his head and said in his native tongue, "You shouldn't smoke." And he handed me a nicotine lozenge. I said, "Thank you, kind sir. What is your name?" And he said, "Zin Laden."

Okay, that's what I... 59 seconds on the dot. Zin Laden. Yeah, what did you think? Was it too much build-up, or am I onto something with that? I thought it was great. I think it's fine. You do a lot of quick jokes. I think sometimes we can be patient. Yeah, just stretch it out a little. Why are you laughing, dumbass? You've been fucking...

Being mean is shit to people all night. You need to relax, Arlen. There's two things about you I want to say, and this is for real from the heart. A, you're the only comedian on the whole circuit. By looking at you, we guess probably as a time machine. And two, there's a cabin somewhere with three naked priests hanging upside down, covered in Heinz relish. Yes, in Montana. I have a...

That is true. That is true. I see you eyeballing the goat, Tony Hawk. Yeah, oh my gosh, Tony, it is so nice to meet you. I just met you up there. Growing up, you caused a lot of heartache, honestly, in my family. My mom was quite the hypochondriac. She was just this crazy woman, kind of, and I was never allowed to skateboard, but I looked up to you so much, so it really just caused a lot of pain. It caused a lot of strife. Thank you. Thank you.

You could play video games and emulate what we do. Yeah, I was safer. I know the video games are like 1080. I was a big fan of the snowboarding game.

'Cause I wasn't allowed to skateboard, so then I went real hard in the snowboarding game genre, but... 'Cause the skateboarding game was too dangerous. Is that what you're saying? Correct. I just wasn't allowed to-- My mom had these rules. I wasn't allowed to skateboard, so because of that, I honestly think it really left this weird hole in my heart, so I just played-- I left 1080. That was a really good-- He was a great snowboarder. You might recognize him. This is Shaun White's grandfather.

We love you, Sean! We love Sean! Ian Fightance looking right down the eye of the storm. You're the closest to him. How does it feel over there next to the Big Red Machine himself? Scary, but inspiring. It's nice. That was great. Thank you so much, man. Did you just combine man and Ian?

I'm not kidding. I'm literally just seeing the eclipse mark in my eyes. I thought it was fine with it being cloudy. I swear to God, I'm seeing something in my right eye. It looks like an eclipse. We did see a picture of you earlier looking directly at the eclipse. This is a real thing. Everybody else, every other comedian, it seems, posted a picture with them with the eclipse glasses on. Not William.

I had to look up at it, Tony. I'm thinking, it's going to be funny, and it seemed okay. And then afterwards, I'm thinking, oh, this is cheesy. Why am I doing this? I don't know. I had a lot of self-doubt today. About everything. I had no idea you were going to. Then I find out you're here. I swear, it was just so awkward with my mom growing up. I wanted to skateboard so fucking bad. She let my ass fucking roller blade. Did you ever do that? I did not do that.

Yeah, right. It's pussy shit. I mean, people aren't supposed to be, but wow. No kickflips and rollerblading, so yeah.

Did you ever try anything tricky in rollerblading, William? No, I was never able to. I wasn't allowed. We didn't have rollerblades either. Well, what was the thing that you were allowed to do? What did you do? What was that weird cackle? What was that? I mean, I'm kind of fucking bombing up your bitch, so what the fuck? I swear to God, I'm seeing an eclipse in my fucking eyes right now. Was it you? What?

Did you ever do anything as a kid? I've never really asked you this. Like, what were you into? Lincoln Logs. I was a Lincoln Logs kid. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, the Indian guy likes the Lincoln Logs a lot. But yeah, I... Did you ever win any awards of any kind growing up?

The Daniel Shores Award. I was a big swimmer. Daniel Shores sadly died. He was in the back of a Volvo and a truck slammed into the back of it. So they had a prize for him where I swam. And you won his award? I won the Daniel Shores Award. My name's on a fucking plaque somewhere in Memphis. Well, you know who else has won some awards as of late, including three last night at the Country Music Awards?

one of the greatest performers of our time and a huge member of the Kill Tony universe and fandom. And why don't you stay up here, William, as I introduce one of the greatest Kill Tony fans existing in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jelly Roll. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Eddie, save me. Fuck yeah.

Me for myself I spent so long living in hell Well they say my lifestyle is bad for me It's the only thing that seems to help But this drinking and smoking is hopeless But feel like it's all something inside

He's broken, I hold on to anything that sets me free You know this And baby don't waste your time I'm so damaged beyond repair Life is shattered, hopes and my dreams And baby don't waste your time I'm so damaged beyond repair Life is shattered, my hopes and my dreams

Yes. Hell yeah. Jelly Roll. Oh my God. They say my lifestyle is bad for my head. It's the only thing that seems to help. All of this drinking and smoking is hopeless. It feels like it's all that I need.

Something inside of me's broken Last night I won three motherfuckin' CFD Baby, don't waste your time I'm so damaged beyond repair That's why I'm a fan of Kiltop Love calls Oh, waste your time I'm so damaged beyond repair Red bear, don't hit that damn Kiltop

My God. How long can this place get for fucking Charlie Rollins? I love you, Tony. I love you, Tony. God damn it, we did it again. Make some noise for Harlan Williams. Make some noise for Tony Hawk. Ian Finance. Yeah!

One more fucking time for Jelly Roll! And the best damn band in the land! Sean Greenberg, John Dees, Steve Madness, Michael Gonzalez, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and fucking Esteban Viejo!

The drawing from Ryan J. Ebalt is in. Thank you to ZipRecruiter and Shopify. Unbelievable stuff happening. The stream for the forum is now on sale right now. So that's a two-night event. The forum, the YouTube theater, you can catch it absolutely live or you could wait weeks for it. It's up to you. No pressure.

But Hans Kim versus Rick Diaz 2 is on the line at the forum and a lot of other fun stuff going on. How about one more time for Harlan Williams, Tony Hawk, Ian Fidance, and Jelly Roll.

Special shout out to a fan of the show and unbelievable artist, the great Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys up there watching. Maybe one day we'll be able to convince them to come down and play with us one day. Who knows? Anything can happen. Red Band? Guys, check out Tony Hawk's amazing video games on all the systems. I love them. I love your promoing Tony Hawk's. Like, Tony Hawk needs more help.

but seriously, check out Hawk vs. Wolf with the great Jason Ellis. That's Tony Hawk's podcast, Harlan's podcast, The Harlan Highway, Guest of the Year 2024, and I think he pulled out even farther out tonight. And, you know, there's nothing we love more than having some of the top young rising comedians on panel. One more time for Ian Bydance, his special is out now. Why?

Happy and free. April 21st. It is out. The B&E and pod as well. We love you guys. Did you guys have fun tonight? We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.