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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at tonyhinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to sunsetstripatx.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony H. Glenn. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah, make some noise for Redman, everybody. Hey, we're here. You made it. Mama, we made it. Here at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony H.
Brought to you by some amazing sponsors, Yoni. I didn't get the three that I had to write down. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? On the horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Nick Lewis joining us on the bass, or as I call him, C Madness, because he can see.
Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, and our dear band leader, the great and powerful John Dees on the keys, who wrangles these people, finds the best musicians in the city for us to play with. So much fun. Truly, I always say this, but I fucking mean it, an action-packed show.
Loaded up and ready to go tonight some very special appearances by very special people It's all gonna go down all at once before we get started Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.
if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...
With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Well, well, well. This is one of those nights that will, I believe, live in Kill Tony history. Two unbelievable comedians...
One of them I've been working with continuously for 17 years, a legend of the comedy store. One I just found here.
A few days ago, randomly, she was performing in The Little Boy and I saw her set and I fell in love. We ended up drinking together all night and she is one of my new favorite comedians in the world. This is her first time on panel at Kill Tony. I do believe her first time ever on a podcast.
So here are our guests. Make some noise for two of the greats. Elaine and Ian Edwards, everybody. Elaine and Ian Edwards. There's Elaine. Make some noise for Elaine, her first time on the show. A nail just fell off. A nail. You lost a nail, Elaine. There you go. Who wants it? Come on. There you go. This little Mexican boy wants it. There you go. How about one more time for Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen, one of the greats. This episode brought to you by Skyline.
frame and game time by the way for those of you wondering who our amazing sponsors are Ian Edwards what up my friend how's it going it's good to be here man this is a fun show to be at sitting next to Elaine I can smell how old she is that's my pussy which is the name of my documentary out on Hulu that's my pussy is the name of your documentary wow
Should it have been something else, Tony? I mean, I felt a fish. I will look into changing it. Okay. Red Band, nice to see you with your clothes on. I used to work at a massage parlor. Red Band would come in with his dick already out. And let's just say he thinks the butthole is the G-spot. Hit me. All right, let's get it going. Here we fucking go. Elaine has joined the fray.
I'm very excited about this. Maybe you heard me give the audience our little intro last week, but we got drunk together. Turns out she's been doing stand-up comedy for exactly 50 years. How about a hand for 50 years? Come on, I ain't dead yet. She's 74 years old, started when she was 24, and I caught us setting the little boy, Adam Egott, the booker of the club, was in the back of the room howling. She was talking about, what was it, your...
Pussy? I think it was. I do a few pussy jokes, but he really liked the way that I said the N-word, so... Right, right.
I'm just kidding. I said the whole thing. No, no. You could say it back in the day. But I love the Mothership. Greatest club in the world. And this is as close as I'll ever get to Super Stardom. So here we go. I love it, Elaine. This is your first time on Kill Tony. So you might not know that over 200 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show. Look at all those losers in there. Anything can happen.
If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that cuts off their time. I interview them after that. That scare you a little bit? Let's just say some blood came out of... Yeah, it scared me. Oh my goodness.
But to get tonight's show started, I'm going to pre-pull a name. We'll grab that one, too. I'll take that one. I'll trade you my nail for that. We'll load them up. This looks great. And we'll get both of those people wrangled up from the bar across the street, the 6th Street Famous Bar Poor Choices, which is a real scummy bar, by the way.
But we love them. We love scummy bars. Vulcan Gas Company, Poor Choices, Sunset Strip Comedy Club. We love shitty 6th Street bars. That's what we take pride... Austin takes pride. More bars per capita than any other city. It's incredible.
You can get $2 shots over at Poor Choices anytime you want. But while we wrangle those comedians, some of you may know that we have a new regular that starts the show. Oh, the lovely Heidi. Ooh, listen to the crowd pop for Heidi, everybody. It's happening. Kill Tony fame affects everybody.
To get tonight's show started, a fucking force of nature, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's been filling in for the great Hans Kim for months while he prepares for his huge show at the Forum. The rematch between Hans Kim and Rick Diaz will be live streamed from the Forum.
filling in for him the newest regular absolute sensation this guy just did theater with me this weekend in San Jose he crushes let's see a brand new minute from the one and only Casey Rockett! Alright, okay. La Princesa! Alright! Okay!
I gotta get out of here. I blacked out in Klonopin last night and apparently I kept making my girlfriend listen to pro-union coal mining music again. So it's just, which side are you on, Lord? You know, she's crying, that old chestnut. When are you going to get help? You know.
I'll tell you who needs help. The coal miners. But that's fucking Biden's America, you know what I mean? I, uh... Just pop it. One second. All right. Cool. I wish all drugs gave you flashbacks. You know, people always say that about LSD. That it gets stored in your bones or whatever, which is such a scary thing to tell someone on LSD, right? You know, like... Wet bones! And, uh...
whose bones? And I wish you could just be walking through the mall with your friends and just pop your hip, just get a ketamine flashback from Bonnaroo 2012. You know, you're just, oh, so they're called minions. I don't want to go to Spencer's Gifts anymore. Thank you. Casey Rockett. All right. There it is again. The man, the myth, the crab man. Thank you. Casey motherfucking Rockett has striked
Again. I squeezed too hard. Yeah. I squeezed too hard. That's wild. I used to do that when I was a little kid. I used to do that thing where I'd make my face all red. I think I would die if I did it now. Yeah, it was fun. I squeezed too hard. Should we try to do it right now? No. Another amazing performance, Casey. I loved the eyeballs. Very scary. Was anyone scared? Let's get a show of hands.
Oh, there's a lot of hands up in the air, shockingly. At a comedy show, you genuinely had people scared. Terrified. Terrified. Thank you. She's gorgeous. Are you tired? Yes. You move around so quickly. I know. It was just one minute, and I tensed too hard. One time, I used to do the Dutchman's Key. My favorite bit ever. Which is where I put a lead key in my mouth, and that's it. And...
Well. That's about it. And one time I had the lead key, so I'm kind of dipping the key, and it's leaking lead in my blood, and I tensed real hard, and I had to sit down on stage for like five minutes, something about the lead. He puts a key in his mouth and proceeds on with minutes and minutes and minutes of his act before coughing up the key. It's something you really got to see live, I guess, for it to translate how hilarious it is, but...
When he's in full action and moving around, you realize that he's had a key in his mouth for a lot of the performance. The payoff is huge. You remind me of one of my grandson's friends. His name's Craig, and he also was missing some teeth. And he also titty-fucked me upon meeting me.
So play your cards right, Casey, and take this rocket ship to titty fuck Galaxy or wherever you want to go. You can go to an Applebee's. Why am I blushing? It doesn't make any sense. Sounds like a personal problem. When did this titty fucking take place? Well, you know, back in, you know, everything's, well, it was about an hour ago, but it was, no, it was, I don't know, 1975. People have been titty fucking for years.
Right Ian? Yeah, yeah, that's what we do. Thanks Ian. Ian, have you seen KC Rocket before? Shit, I still didn't see him. He was moving so fast. Very fast, very fast. He is a squiggler. Are you, you take any substances? Totally clean. Really? Yeah, I'm sober. I've been sober for many years, yeah. You feel like you're on an Adderall right now.
- No, no, no, just me. - This motherfucker's the human form of Adderall. - Yeah. That's what everybody thinks. Surprisingly, he's one of the only sober people in this venue right now. - Now is there a drug that you could be coerced into participating in? Like if Joe Rogan came through here and was like, "Let's do bumps of coke off Elaine's tits." What would you do? - Good question. - Sorry, that's a bad Joe Rogan impression, but... What would you say, Casey?
-What would I say? And it happens, like, tonight? Like, it's, like, Monday night? -Let's say I call him right now, and he -- I don't have his -- Let's say Tony calls him. -Yeah. -And he goes, "Yeah, what's up? What's going on? Is there a bow and arrow down there?" And he comes down. And I go, "Yeah, there's a bow and arrow, but you got to -- The only way to get it is by doing coke off my tits with the newest Muppet."
I guess what I'm saying is would you do coke with somebody if they asked you? Could you be peer pressured, Casey? We're all human beings. We could be peer pressured. Uh, yeah, if you guys wanted it really bad, I guess, yeah, I could. Does anybody have any cocaine? I didn't think you would actually say yes to that. Well, good for you. Straight edge is cool.
Yeah, yeah, it's punk rock, rock and roll stuff. I got it. KC is scared to death right now. I've never seen that look in your eyes exactly. An unbelievable weekend on the road. We had so much goddamn fun. KC is absolutely hilarious in the green rooms, at the restaurants, at the coffee shops, at the airport. You're a bundle of positive energy. I love you. Way to get tonight's show started. That's it. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. KC Rocket, the newest regular show.
All right. And so it shall begin. I pre-pulled two names. We're going to see. Hopefully they come out in the right order here. Make some noise for your first comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, let's do 60 seconds uninterrupted from Lino Rodriguez. Lino Rodriguez, everybody. Here we go. Straight out of the bucket. Anything can happen. Hello, my name is Lino Rodriguez. I'm a door guy on 6th Street.
And right now my main diet is pizza and cigarettes, you know? I really gotta stop eating cigarettes. I'm actually Puerto Rican. I'm a Puerto Rican that can't speak Spanish, though. If I had to compare that to anything, I think it'd be like being a Catholic priest that doesn't fuck kids. Everyone expects me to, but I'm just one of the good ones. I wasn't raised that way. The other day I was hanging out watching my new favorite movie, Tyler Perry's Medea Goes to Palestine. And...
"I'm a girl, just get to learn." I started to think about how I like to do Molly and compliment bald people on their eyebrows, you know? They don't really hear that anymore. I actually think they should start dying their heads like Easter eggs. That'd be fucking... Alright. I'm Lino, thank you so much, thank you. Lino Rodriguez. Our first bucket poll of the night.
A slow start and a sluggish ending, but the middle was amazing there. You got laughs. I didn't think any of it was funny, but this is a hot crowd. This is the best April Fool's set I've ever seen. That was good. That was good. Ian Edwards? I mean, what's the irony of him doing a Tyler Perry joke and I'm sitting next to White Madea? LAUGHTER
It is absolutely a fantastic point. Good point, Ian. Now, you had some stuff about fucking kids in the middle that really piqued my interest. Because that's a real issue facing our country. It is. Thank you so much. Yes. So what is it about that that you find humorous? Oh...
Like, where did that joke come from, I guess? I want to get inside your head for a minute. Got you. It came just, everybody expects it to happen, you know, when you're brown or if you're a Catholic priest, either way they like it. We got it, we got it, Lino. Okay, over here, Lino. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two, three years now. Okay, where do you, you live here in Austin for how long? A year. Where did you live before that? I lived in New Orleans. Oh, some fans of New Orleans in the crowd.
How do you think I got all these beats? That's right. Oh, wow. Sucking. Come on, Red Band. Come on. There you go. Okay. Red Band had six necklaces in his car. That's so hot. Celino, you're Puerto Rican. You can't speak Spanish. I've never seen a green Puerto Rican person before. What exactly is your diet? You made a joke about eating cigarettes that literally silenced every part of the city.
I worked inside for a while, so I think it just started to turn Greek after a while. I don't know. Uh-huh. I work from home. And I work at night now, so I'm like a pale, I guess. What do you do from home during the day? I used to work on AI cars. I used to help program those. AI cars? Yeah, AV cars. Like Google cars and things like that that sell driving cars. Okay. Oh, shit. Hook us up, fam. Oh, no, they didn't give me shit. But it was cool.
Puerto Rican take that shit. So now you are... Can only steal real cars? Oh, I get you. Yeah, we can figure that out together. Hell yeah. Okay. That is the birth of crime, ladies and gentlemen. That's how it happens. A Puerto Rican and a black. That's my favorite Pornhub search. Hit me, fellas.
There it is. Little late. Little late. Little late. Like my period. Thanks, Red Band. Hello. Hit me. There it is. Hit me. That's all. Off to what Red Band asked me to do to him last night. Whoa. Takes a lot to make him come. So how old are you? Did you say that already? I'm 27. You're 27. You look like you're 46. Yeah. What's it like being 27 in 2024? It's hard. Hmm?
Okay. All right. There's the Pornhub sound. A minute and a half after the Pornhub joke, for those of you keeping track of Red Band in the zone tonight already. Lino, have you been on this show before? Yes, I actually got on a couple of weeks ago. How did that go for you? Not as good. Not as good. Maybe for me. I don't know. Everyone seemed to have a good time. So I'm cool with that. Okay, don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that, Lino. Ever again. So...
Lena, what did we not find out about you in your last interview that would be interesting? What was the main frame of the interview last time you were on? What was the most interesting thing we found out about you? What did I make jokes about, talk about? I had a real kick about my dad getting murdered. He thought that was... Oh, yeah! We'll be right back.
Elaine is on fire. Now's a good time for me to promote. Elaine, for some reason, decided to plug Adam Ray Comedy on YouTube.
A brand new crowd work special from Adam Ray. I don't know what you and Adam have going on, Elaine, but fucking... The way that Red Band is into Latinas, I'm into Jews. I love it. Now, do you mind me asking, what happened? I don't want to pour salt on a band-aid, but what happened to your father?
He got murked with a baseball bat. I mean, he got beat up by a couple of guys, but one of them had a bat. Right. And he hit him upside the head? Yeah, a couple of times. God damn it. Do you have the video? This is the actual. We have audio from the... There you go. There was a referee there. Why was there a referee there, Red Ben? It was also in a bowling alley. So not a lot of people know that. Did you know that? Did you know that your father was murdered in a bowling alley? It's news to me. Okay. Okay.
So, what did we... You probably went home that night thinking, wow, I probably should have brought up something else or talked about something else about my entire life. What do we not know about you, Lino? Oh, shit, man. What don't you know about me? Maybe you didn't think about it at all. No, I didn't. Actually, I've been in a car chase once. That was crazy. Okay. With the police? No, with a hillbilly.
Okay, what happened? Take us through it. What did you do? Well, my friends and I were out having a good time and they decided, hey, let's, I don't know, statues of limitation, how long is that?
You're good. All right, cool. This guy insists on the interview being boring. I don't want to break the law now. Allegedly. And they started to jump out of the car and start hitting mailboxes. And then halfway through that... How old were you during this? I was like 16. Okay. Dad's still alive? No. Right. He's been gone. There's no one to fucking... No one to spank you. No.
Just doing whatever you want in a fatherless fucking society. Typical Puerto Rican childhood. You want to feel my tits, Lino? Of course. I feel bad for you. Do you want to feel his? Yeah, we can feel his.
I feel bad for you. I'd love to. All right, let's do it. Let's finish up your story. Let's hear about the car chase. And then halfway through, I heard this voice say, you done fucked up now? Coming from really far away from me.
And then all of a sudden, a truck was on our ass. And I was in a Bronco, like an old 2002 Bronco, so I started whipping that bitch. And I got the fuck out. I drove as fast as I could through backwoods in Mississippi, and my friends said, hit her right. So I did. And then when I did, I sort of slid into it. Then I heard, and then they crashed into the woods, and I got the fuck out of there. Dukes of Hazzard style. I know it's really...
Wow. I hope you understood what I said. I didn't realize Mississippi had Asian drivers. Okay. I'm going to go ahead and take back the tit off. That's fine. I understand completely. Lino, what is your love life like? The world wants to know. How's Lino's pussy game? You look like the guy that answers the door at a haunted Mexican restaurant.
- Very funny, Tony. That deserves more laughter. - It's all right. - That was a very funny joke. That's why it's your show. - Yeah. - Do this for me, Neal. - It's been a weird year. I got married and divorced last year. - How did that--okay, there we go. - Here we go. - Now we're getting somewhere. - Now we're cooking with gas. - Yeah. - Ian. - He asked you one hour ago, "Has there anything happened that you didn't tell us from the last show?"
And now you just bring that shit up? Yeah. Yeah, thanks for that. I ran a red light with Forrest Gump bullshit story. You got a dead dad and a divorce story. Just locked and loaded in those fucking Abercrombie pockets. We're finding out a lot more. There's a lot more. This is like a Puerto Rican Forrest Gump over here. I'm excited about this. So tell us about the marriage and divorce. Oh, man, it was quick. How'd you meet her? She saw me doing comedy once. Oh, God. Oh, God.
-Was that when you got divorced? -No. And she liked my style. -Oh, boy. -Did you say style? -Yeah, infatuated. -Especially fat.
She saw you do comedy. How long were you together before you decided to get married? Good question. About a year or so. Okay. Yeah, it was pretty fast. How did you propose to her? That's always something that the ladies care about. We want to be romanced and impressed. I was at an amusement park in Gatlinburg.
Oh, in front of a Ferris wheel with a ring. I believe that's where slavery ended. What happened at Del Taco? Now, what did she say? You said what? You said, I love you. It's only been a year, but let's do this. What'd you say? Basically, I don't know. We've been talking about it. She brought it up. I was into it, but it was all me, dude. I liked her. What made you want to get married, though?
I don't know. That's a great question. Like, when you're in that shit, it just sort of happens. Okay. Yeah. Did she let you titty fuck her? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Hell yeah, dude. What the fuck was that, man? So how long were you married until divorce...
came on the table and why was divorce imminent? It was four months we were married. And then what happened? It actually took a little longer for us to get married. It also took a little longer to get the answer to my fucking question. Jesus Christ. The numbers don't matter. It just, it blew up. Toxic. Uh,
How? What? Come on, give us an example of the toxicity of your city. All right, you know, finding out they're not, like, you know, faithful. Or, like, you know... Was that what happened? Yeah, it's the cheating and shit. How did you find out that she was cheating on you? She was supposed to be on a trip in Hawaii. Uh-huh. And she was in Texas. Okay, how did you find this out? Oh, dude. Did you have one of your cars follow her? I don't know.
No, no, no. Funny. Funny, Ian. I might have to plead the fifth on this one. You did some crazy shit, didn't you? I might have to plead the fifth. Why would you plead the fifth on this? Because there's a... You're on a podcast right now where interviews happen and anything can happen. You're right, you're right, you're right. Because... Here we go. Okay. Jesus Christ. All right.
He's not going to save you here. He doesn't have Wi-Fi up there. You're more nervous now than when you did your one minute. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Well, you know, I was cleaning the house, getting ready for her to come back for the trip. Uh-huh. And I checked her location because she said she was going to go visit her family. In Hawaii? No, she was just with friends. Mississippi is where I'm from. Uh-huh.
And when I found her location, it said she's three minutes down the road in Texas. Oh, boy. Yeah. So I went there. Ooh. And she was there with someone I knew. Oh, no. Who was the someone that you knew? I don't know if I should do all that. You don't need to name a name, you fucking idiot. Don't name a name. A friend of mine? I thought so. A friend of yours. Right. Should we call that friend right now? No, no, no, no, no. No.
What I meant... No, no, no. That's a bad idea. Because... Because... I just... Thank you, Elaine, so much. Well, you know who's gonna pick up. It's gonna be Red Band. So I want...
I want to avoid that. Well, I'm so sorry. But guess what? When you get cheated on, it makes you stronger. You learn about yourself. Yeah, I got laid last week. It happened last week. Yes. I got with ladies last week. What happened there? We're going to go back to this, by the way. Elaine tried to bail you out with that phone call shit. We're going back to it. But what happened last week?
met a nice lady. We went out. It was cool. So... Okay. Fuck it then. Good job. Great interview. I'm still gonna squeeze you for this. We're going back. Here we go. Hey, over here, Lino. Stop making fucking noises with your mouth. Answer the questions that I ask you. Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready. I'm ready. So, when you went to the house with your friend and your wife, what exactly happened? Oh, man. Uh... This part's easy. You just tell us what happened instead of all the prefacing shit and everything. I know. I'm sorry. Um...
I walked up to the door and I looked in the window and they were on the couch together. What were they doing on the couch? They were hanging out under some blankets and shit, you know? Under some blankets or on some blankets? Under. Under. Well, how did you know it was them under the blankets? How did you not know that it was... I could see them. You could see their heads? Yeah. And they were... Were they watching a movie? What were they watching, Lino? I...
I don't know if you noticed, he's not good at answering questions. We gotta keep them one track at a time here. So then what happened? Did you knock on the door? Yeah. And then what happened? They said, "Get outta here." They told you to get outta here? Yeah, get outta here, what are you doing here? Oh, you're trying to make jokes again. Wait, let's act this out. Keep the music on, Red Band. You be the guy, I'll be his girl, okay? Ready? Give me a knock.
Oh shit! Fuck! Get out of here. What are you doing here? Lino, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Hawaii? Oh wait, no I thought I was supposed to... Fuck. Sorry, sorry, I'm not into brown guys anymore. I'm into black guys. Damn! Is that what you said? What did you say?
I said, "What the fuck are you doing here? Why are you here? I thought you were in Hawaii." Well, our flight got changed. Okay, hold on. Elaine, what did she say when you said you're supposed to be in Hawaii? She ran off. Where did she run off to? The bedroom. Oh, back there where she was safe. Yeah. Did you chase her? No. No, that was it. No, but it erupted some... Yeah, it was bad. Did you and your buddy almost fight?
Oh, not really. I was going to fight him, but I was more concerned with the other bullshit that was going on. I didn't care about him. He's a fucking piece of shit, you know? Right. Yeah, so I was more worried about what's happening, you know? Right. Never got an answer. But the divorce was quick and easy because you caught her cheating. Yeah. You didn't have to pay any of your door guy money or anything like that, right? No, no, no, no. That's ongoing bullshit, you know?
But no, I'm still balling. Okay. All right. You got a little joke book last time? Yeah, I got a little joke book. Such interesting things about you, yet such a terrible interview. It's absolutely incredible. Redman, will you hit me with some music real quick? Uh-oh. Elaine. Uh-oh. Whoa. Whoa, he's finally got some color in his face. Whoa. I love it.
- All right. - I hope that makes up for your dead dad. - Lino Rodriguez, there he goes, everybody. There he goes. Lino Rodriguez. Okay. And yet, it has begun. So, here we go. Your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, a minute uninterrupted, goes to Jerry Carlin, everybody. Here we go with Jerry Carlin.
I had a mustache for a while, but I think it looked silly on me, so I started clean-shaving my pubes. I used to be a cutter, but now I just spit on people. My grandpa is starting to lose his judgment. He can't really drive anymore, and there was a blackout in his neighborhood, and he almost shot the guy.
Sometimes I would like to be black, but makeup is expensive. If Kanye West has taught us anything, it's that the Jews ain't worth the squeeze. A sex worker bit my dick once, so it was half off. Stop right there. Okay, Jerry Carlin, very good.
Some good old fucking, old fashioned, I love it, smart one liners. Thank you. Delivered straight down the barrel. Welcome to the show, Jerry. This is your first time on, correct? Yes. I would recognize you. I do believe I saw you in that new Nickelodeon documentary. Jerry, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand up? This is my second time. Second time ever?
Wow. Thank you. How long have you been writing and preparing for this? These jokes, maybe a month or so. And how old are you? I'm 21. 21 years old. Look at this. A fantastic start to your career. You going to college? What's your story? No, just high school. I don't really want college. You're still in high school. Okay. Uh,
All right. You are the world's youngest pedophile, I do believe. 21, out there chasing high schoolers around. You gotta love it. Ian Edwards? I mean, he's so young, he looks like he has a skin routine. And I'm getting strong school shooter vibes at the same time. Yeah, you look like the molester and the molestee at the same time. It's true. It's true. But that's a compliment, because that's a tough gig to get. You're very funny. Your jokes are great. The structure's good. There's a lot of misdirection.
What's your writing process like? Sometime tonight. I don't know. I just, you know, lie in bed. They come to me, I guess. I'm noticing that your writing started right when Texas made Pornhub illegal. Is there any truth to you replacing your porn addiction with a love for stand-up comedy? I actually don't watch porn. Wow. Prove it.
Hold on. What's your process there then? Imagination? What are you, fucking Willy Wonka? What's going on over here? Very vivid imagination. Okay. What do you picture when you are pleasing yourself? Good question, Tony. Now I'm the pedophile somehow. I don't know how the switch happened. I'm just trying to host a show, but I made it creepy.
I'm a big fan of prostitutes. Some of those jokes are true. Oh my goodness gracious. Look at you. You didn't even smile after he said that. That is amazing. A 21-year-old into the imaginary thoughts of a prostitute. Just the thought of a woman charging money is enough to get him off. Ian Edwards? Now, when you say prostitutes, you mean killing them or fucking them?
Good question, Ian. Oh, both. Both, of course. Yeah. Absolutely amazing, Jerry Carlin. Now, I've done a little bit of walking the streets late at night to make some extra cash, right? A woman of the night. Oh, yeah. It's a tough gig, but you have to make sure your price points are fair. So I guess what would be, if I showed you my menu of sexual favors, what's too much, right? Like for anal, how much would you pay?
How much would I pay for anal? Yes. I think that's what I just fucking asked. Yeah. Yes. Some really tough interviews so far tonight. It is... I would say under, under 50. What? Whoa. You dirty little boy. Holy shit. Gus. She's freaking out about that. She was so offended by that price. And she's right. That is... And she's right. Our buttholes are precious, right?
Now, did you mean 50 cents or $50? Cents. Okay, okay, okay. Stick with me here, Jerry. How much for a blowjob on this menu of... Oh, that's easy. Five. $5. $5 blowjob. This is incredible. You sweet... Are you a virgin? No, no, no. Prove it. That is the craziest yes I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, I think you are... Just, I need to... Okay, so let's say you and I are in the bedroom. What sort of noises do you make? Ready? Oh, I'm silent.
Welcome to another episode of We All Knew That Already. Okay. Jerry, you're 21. How are you making money out there on these wild streets? Jordache, Uber Eats. Okay. Just driving around. I love it. What kind of car do you have? Hyundai Elantra. What's your license plate? Okay. Um.
I love it. What's your living situation? You still with your parents? Yeah, still with my parents. They live here in Austin? Yeah. Okay. So born and raised in Austin. When did you decide or think that you wanted to maybe perhaps try stand-up comedy? When did this all start? I didn't even discover comedy until after 18, but just watching it. Did your parents keep you kind of away from things on television? No, I just never stumbled across it, I guess. What were you doing? Playing video games or something? No, I hate video games. Okay. What were you doing?
I'm a huge TV fan. I don't talk to people. Ooh. This guy might be a true comedian we're finding here. This is incredible. You do-- but for somebody who doesn't talk to me, you have a nice, like-- you have an air to the way you-- you're like, "I don't talk to people." Like, you sound like you're on a boat. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're a very confident guy for not having a lot of social interaction. What does that call? Oh, I'm having a panic attack. Oh, right now? That was the funniest thing I've heard tonight.
Much more honest and giving than Lino Rodriguez's interview. He's actually being present, talking about how he feels in the moment. This is incredible. I love it. There's a fucking real comedian back here, Jerry Carlin. What do your parents think about, do they know that you're out here? Yeah, yeah, they're pretty supportive of me, sure. We never really brought it up and talked about it. Right, interesting. You don't talk to your parents either? I don't talk to anybody.
Ian Edwards. -You can't talk to parents you murdered. -Yeah.
This whole not talking to anybody thing, has this always been a thing of yours? No, just, you know, out of high school. It's just hard to meet new people. After COVID, I kind of drifted apart from a lot of my friends. I only really have two good friends. What do you do with these two friends? Just, we really don't even meet up that much. Just talk, jokes. Where do you talk? You know, messages. Wow. So you're a chat room guy?
Sure. So Jerry, if you're at the dinner table with your parents and you don't want to talk, but they're trying to strike up conversation, like, so Jerry, fuck any cool whores lately? You just sit there in silence and eat your meatloaf? Oh, um, I don't eat dinner with them. You don't eat dinner with your parents. This is a fucking amazing fucking thing we have going on here.
What do you eat? You eat by yourself? Yeah, pretty much everything else. You take it up to your bedroom? Yeah. And you sit on the edge of the bed with like a TV tray or do you have a desk? No, I got this massive TV and a nice recliner. You sit in a recliner and you continue to watch TV and you eat your food kind of like on your lap?
That was a weird question, Tony. No. I like to paint the picture for people. This is all very frightening. You're right, it is. It's scary. I'm scared to death right now. I am too. I'm more scared than he is right now, and I've been doing this for 11 years, but this kid doesn't talk to anybody. His whole life is just a bunch of blue bubbles of messages. Can I ask a question? What would it take for you to interact with your parents? If Joe Rogan came down here tonight...
and said, "Let's go to your house and eat dinner with your family," would you do it? -Uh... If Joe Rogan asked, I would, yes. -Okay. Oh-- Okay. -Well, we have exciting news for you. Somebody said "bow and arrow" three times, and Joe Rogan is here, and he wants to have dinner with your family. Okay. -I'm just really worried for white kids, man.
-This is the future. -Like, what the fuck is going on with white kids? -You're right. -It's a perfectly good-looking white young male, and you're staying home, not talking to anybody. -I used to be very ugly. -What happened? -Well, get over it. -It was a -- It's a drug called Accutane. I had terrible acne. -Oh, my goodness. -It's worse. You got fucking perfect skin now. -Yeah, yeah. -Go talk to women.
I should, yes. Yeah, you should, man. Wow. Well, welcome to the universe, Jerry Carlin. Not only are you out in public, but you're thriving. You're out here. Great job. Keep at it. Finally found some people you can talk to. Thank you. Keep at it. Right that way. Great job. Jerry Carlin, ladies and gentlemen.
Just the way that the fucking thing worked out tonight, we actually get a little blast from the past. For those of you curious of what Jerry Carlin looked like very recently, we have a golden ticket winner here that is ready to blast off with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, Sensation. You know him, you love him. Make some noise. This is a rare appearance by the great and powerful Heath Cordes, everybody.
Jerry needs to start doing hard drugs. Just got out of my first real toxic relationship. Come on. Yeah, it was great at first, but then it just got really needy and I needed space, so I couldn't see her anymore. And that's why I said, "I hate to do this, but if you leave me, I'll kill your family. Burn your house down. Shoot my brains out. I don't give a fuck. I'm an emotional wreck right now. Try me." Now I legally can't see her anymore.
It's alright, I'm gonna fuck the shit out of Elaine tonight. Woo!
That's the end of my minute. Thank you, guys. 50 seconds from Heath Cordes. I love it. 50 seconds. You'll only need 22 with me, sweetheart. Save that 30 for a rainy day. You know it. Wing, wing. So far, this show is a pedophile's delight. This is incredible. We had a 21-year-old that said, I just recently got good looking.
Just a moment ago. And here you are. Another 21-year-old back to back. But not really 21. It's just what I had to say to get this going. Wait, what do you mean?
Yeah, you fucked up. You didn't do enough background. I checked your ID that night that we met. It's a good ID. Oh my God. You little son of a bitch. So how old are you really? I'll never tell.
Oh, hell yeah. Why am I hard? Okay. Heath, let's get into it. You're a golden ticket winner here on Kill Tony. How's life been going? How has your life changed? What's going on with you? Pretty good. I'm very happy. I got a door guy job at the mothership, so that's... Congratulations. That's a big deal. Yeah, that's how I've been spending my time, just trying to get better. It's good to know security is real tight around here. Yeah.
I laugh every time I see them pat someone down, 'cause I'm just like, "What?" - Right. - Okay. - It's ironic you're the golden ticket winner, Heath. You look like Charlie Bucket with autism. - Mm-hmm, yeah. And this show is Willy Wonka with autism, so. - You gotta stop smoking, kid.
Do you smoke? What kind of drugs do you do, Heath? All of them. Because you told... Heath is a wild boy. I will tell you that he is one of the lightest people yet heaviest drinkers here at the mothership. He actually... You got...
shit face last Thursday. Yeah, I fucked up. He fucked up. Who's fucking up now, huh? Me, I fucked up. You did. And I was going to take him to do sold-out theaters in Boston and Baltimore, and he slept through his flights to the point to where a little fun fact is, you know, we were on the plane, and it's about to close up here in Austin, Texas, and...
They came over the loudspeaker and said, if there's a Heath Cordes, please ring your ringer. And so, of course, I messaged the whole fucking crew. I go, is Heath? And has anyone seen Heath? No. I message you. Right. And I did not get a response until after we landed in Boston. So everyone. Sorry, please. I'm so sorry.
That's what I said. That's right. Via text message. Via text message. So it didn't really translate. No. But that's how I felt. Of course. I do believe that. But just to take you guys there, I was about 85% sure when we landed in Boston and heard nothing back, that is when we went to the next level of who were his roommates? Can we reach out to them? Because we thought he was dead, everybody. We literally thought that...
your condition, fucking whatever's wrong with you, went into overdrive and fucking... So you had at least three more months. So who walked you up out of your race car bed? Who told you that? Yeah.
Who told you it was time to perform? Worst way to wake up. No one woke me up out of the race car bed and I was still late. You just woke up. That's the plot of Home Alone, pretty much, right? So did you go Bananja City? Did you have pizza and ice cream and watch old movies? Oh yeah, you gotta, yeah. Really, it is the ultimate...
lesson in life you dealt with it very very well you're still alive I had to go super super easy to make sure I did not induce a suicide I did real good with it right yeah you did great it's very very very nice Tony's not making anyone kill themselves thank you thank you so much thank you this is the episode where we clear the air
about me inducing suicides, which is out there in the zeitgeist somewhere if you look hard enough for it. But if anybody would have killed themselves, it's the sweet little boy with many conditions. Scoliosis, Benjamin Buttons, whatever the fuck you have. You got it all. What if he's like that movie Jack with Robin Williams and he's 65? So you said you're really not 21, Heath?
- I'll never tell. - Okay. Now, what if Joe Rogan came down here and asked you what your age was? - Yeah, he knows. He knows. - Okay. Okay. Fair enough. - You said 65, which made me think of something. Have you ever 69'd with anyone, Heath? Have you ever gotten-- - It's impossible. - Have you ever gotten your dick sucked while-- - It's impossible. - All right. - Well, with that attitude-- - They have to, like, hunch down like this, you know, just, like, make it work logistically. - Every time I look at Heath, I feel like some ventriloquist is like, "Where did my puppet go?"
It is incredible, Heath. Has your size ever helped you with anything? Is there ever a time where you use it to your advantage? A lot of leg space on the flights that you've been missing. Yeah, what's crazy is I still get really claustrophobic on planes. You do? Even though I have the best situation for planes, I still hate them. Do you get the board first? What? What?
No. You don't? I should. I should get the board first. It's not fair. They don't go paging all passengers with Asperger's. It's your turn. Yeah. I don't know if it's Asperger's. I think he has ass sliders. It's a little bit smaller than a burger. That's funny. That's funny. Thank you. That's a food joke. Thank you, Elaine. That's a food joke. Thank you.
- This motherfucker doesn't board at all. - Yeah. - Stays at home. - It is incredible. I gotta stop hiring openers that sleep in cribs and can't get out in the morning. Very rare. You are the first person I do believe I've ever worked with that slept in on flights, but you know what? At the end of the day, you doing it, kind of adorable. - That's good. - Had it been Cam Patterson, there may have been some racial slurs said or something like that. With you, it's just like, "Aw, I hope he doesn't hurt himself."
That's what I go for. So what did you end up doing that weekend? Anything fun? Not really. Just being sad. Right. Yeah. Token. That guy, he reached out to me and he said he wanted to hang out. So I was like...
It was the rapper who went to the show. Yeah, we put that together. His name's Tolkien. I don't know what you're talking about. He was there. He met you. In Boston, that's right. We met a rapper in Boston. I found out afterwards that he was a rapper. I just thought he was some fucking quiet kid hanging out. Yeah, I was listening to him since high school. So that just rubbed the salt in the wound. Three or four years. I just did that. Yeah.
Okay. Well, Heath, are you a big gangster rap guy? Mm-hmm. I try to be. Uh-oh. Why are you asking that question? I don't know. I just felt like it might be time for a rap battle. Yeah. No, no. Elaine. What are you doing? You're going to have him rap? Newsflash. This ain't Gatorade. Ha ha ha.
I just feel like if you're a fan of rap at some point, if you have time off and you missed a flight, you probably would-- I'm such a fan of rap that I'm not gonna rap on stage right now. -Okay, well, you could've just-- -Yeah. -Good move, good move. -Thank you. -Great move. -Yeah. Okay, if it's coming from the black guy, it probably isn't your goal. Yeah, exactly.
Great move. Well, Heath, another fun 50 seconds. You know, writing is not easy and you wait. You use your golden ticket wisely and only come in when you're ready for it. And I love it. And you're a very promising young buck. Congratulations. 21-year-old Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen. I'll see you tonight, Heath. No condoms necessary. Way to fuck up, dude.
Celia! Oh my goodness, thank you so much. I need that. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go, 60 seconds uninterrupted from Andrew Ginsberg. Here comes Andrew Ginsberg, everybody. Here he is. Come on, make some noise for Andrew, everyone.
Yeah, I got called for jury duty last week. I haven't had to do that in a while. I was a little nervous. I haven't had to do it in a bit. Don't know anything about the justice system. I've seen 895 episodes of Judge Judy, but that's it, so I didn't know what to expect. You know what I mean? But my friends told me, don't worry, there's a really long orientation before they start, so they'll teach you everything you need to know about sending somebody to jail. But they didn't tell us anything about that. For 30 minutes, the lady behind the counter, all she told us about was how to fill out the address section of the jury reform the whole time I was there. The whole time she was just like, if you live in a house...
You're not going to put an apartment number on the form. You live in a house. Sir, why are you putting an apartment number on the form? You live in a house. This went on for 30 fucking minutes. And I'm saying to myself, why are they telling us about this instead of anything about the justice system? Why are they telling us about this address form? And it dawned on me, the other people in my group, they couldn't fill out the address form. They were struggling with it. It just got me thinking, these are your peers. This is the jury. If you commit a crime, these fucking people are going to sentence you to prison. They can't even fill out the fucking address form.
There was a lady in my group eating a Klondike bar at 9:30 in the morning. You fucking kidding me? If you eat ice cream before lunch, you're not qualified to send somebody to prison. I'm sorry. That's how I feel about that, you know? Started taking my anger out on the judge. I was like, "Dude, you studied law for what, 20 years? Need help from 30 random fucking weirdos to help you make a decision? Get it together. Use your brain. You're a lawyer." It's like if I went to the doctor and he was like, "I think you have..." -Good Lord almighty, Andrew. Jesus Christ.
Holy shit. Well, here's someone who's not gonna get a titty fuck. Oh, my God. What the fuck was that?
Hi, Andrew. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Six years. Oh, boy. Sorry. What was that? I'll tell you the truth. Yeah, please do. I have a tight set, but my friends are saying if you got on the show to do something that you're excited about, that's new, and it just didn't translate. Oh, wow, your friends fucked you. Your friends hate you, Andrew Ginsberg. They sure do. Why don't you give us an example? Six years in the game. Why don't you do your best joke? Okay. Yep. I just turned 35 recently.
Thank you? Yeah. Now I'm hanging out with all 25-year-olds now. I realized all my real friends got married and moved to the suburbs and had kids, so I had to regroup. I'm hanging out with 25-year-olds. Oh, shit. No, no, no. I'm not done. Oh, shit. Maybe I will give you that titty fuck. Oh, shit. I'm just nervous. You live in New York? Yeah. You know how I know? Yeah. You do that. New Yorkers do that, and they do this.
Something to keep an eye on. They can't fucking help them. Another thing is it's fucking terrible. You make up for a lack of everything with all this fucking... You can't help yourself. Just bombing and fucking moving the mic. Hey, you can't tell I'm bombing. We're here. Fucking New York tricks.
Ian, am I correct? You've seen this before, right? Yeah, I've seen that before. Listen, man, the only way you can save the rest of your time up here is if your dad got killed by a bunch of baseball bats. He's not wrong. And if you caught your girlfriend cheating, you better have some tragedy. Yeah, Ginsburg, we gotta get into it. You gotta save this with an interview, dude. Look, he's doing the double hand thing, doesn't even know it. Hi!
I could go on and on, people. I study this art form. I've known it. By the way, Shane and Attell do the double hand thing, but they can get away with it. It's their thing. That's why the rest of them are doing it. Anyway, just got to get that disclaimer out there before everybody fucking loses their minds.
You suck. Let's get into it. Six years, your new minute sucks, your best joke sucks. Well, I tripped on that. I'm sorry. I'm so nervous. Apologies don't work here, but it's okay. So tell us, what's like...
good stuff that's happening from you doing stand-up comedy. Why do you continue to do this to yourself? Well, normally I get laughs. I know that seems unbelievable right now in this particular moment. Let me tell you something because I mentioned this earlier. It's a hot crowd. Yeah, yeah. I can't believe the stuff that I've heard them laugh at tonight. I know. But I normally do get laughs. I was honestly proud of them at staying solid for your wretched set because I'm like, wow, normally they laugh on Cadence alone kind of like where there should be a laugh but they fucking...
They kept it real on this one. They realized, like, oh, shit, we're gonna watch an actual bombing here today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have rather you queefed into the microphone than told her any actual jokes. Me too. If you could do that, that would be amazing. If you could do that. But nerves is a part of it, right? I'm nervous. I don't feel that great, to be honest with you. Okay. Hold on. I'm sorry to interrupt, Elaine. Why don't you feel great? Well, to be honest with you, Tony, the pollen in Austin is killing me, and I'm just dying. Oh, you fucking faggot. Oh, my God.
I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. Oh, my God. This is the truth. Take some Claritin, you fucking Jew. I did say that I went to a bar mitzvah 20 years ago. Oh, my God. Why would you say that shit? It's the truth. Are you from New York? What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm from Jersey.
- What do you mean you're from Jersey? But you live in New York. - I live in New York. - Right, so you're originally from, you're trying to like claim Jersey all of a sudden? - No, no, I'm just saying that's where I'm from. - Okay. - All right. - I actually kind of get like the type of comedy he was trying to do. - Sure. - It didn't hit, so I understand. Like I can see where that would work. - Sure. - But if I ever hear you tell some niggas about your pollen allergies. - Understood.
Ever again. Like, everybody that booed, you were on fucking point. Yeah. It is something else. The pollen has gotten the best of you. When did you arrive here to Austin, Texas, a place that naturally is pushing you away? Thursday night. Thursday night. And the pollen just started flying up in your nostrils, and you're like, oy vey.
Pretty much. I mean, that's a... Wow. Well, you have to rise above it. You know, there's going to be other hardships that come your way, right? I'll take that as a note. Joe Rogan fights through pollen. I'm sure he does. That's true. I'm sure he does. I like that nature tried to stop this set. Exactly. Exactly. Texas has a way of keeping a certain type of people up in New York. You know what I mean? Like...
Do your allergies affect you in other places? We do have allergies here. People get them. The weak people. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Just Texas. No, they affect me in other places. Right. Tell us some more super Jew-y things about you. Well, I'm only half Jewish. My mom's Italian. Oh, wow. You know those Italians and their allergies. You know what I mean? Sorry.
So I'm not all the way. All right. Okay. I wanted to tell you the truth about that, too. Oh, you always say, I'm going to be honest. I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm going to be honest here. Tony, I'm going to tell you the truth. You're a fucking...
You're a little liar, aren't you? No, not about this. Now riddle me this. Yes. Ginsburg's your last name. What's your first name? Andrew. Andrew, if you were to tell a lie that was funnier than the truth, your excuse was not pollen. What could you come up with that might be funny to say instead of I'm allergic to fucking flowers? Yeah, I was doing meth till 9.30 in the morning. I'm sorry. All right. Well, we tried. I'll tell you the truth, Elaine. I'm allergic to Palestine.
That's funny. That is.
Now, how do you write? Do you write? I do write, yes. In an unfunny chamber? I mean, you know, I write as much as I can. Give us your second best joke. I want to hear your second best joke. We went through the 35, 25, six years in the game. Let's hear your second best joke. Take a deep breath first. Yeah, well, that's just going to put more pollen in his nasal passage. Poof! Poof! Poof!
We're going to give you a fucking, what's that shot? We're going to give you an epinephrine or something. Okay, here we go. His second best joke, six years. I'll tell you the truth. Here he goes. I'm going to be honest. I just found out that my cat has diabetes. Ah.
Which is strange. I never had a cat before. It's kind of like having a girlfriend again. I just follow her around my apartment saying I'm sorry and wondering why she hates me so much. You know, it turns into the same thing. But I came home the other day and she was in the corner of my apartment. She's peeing and she's crying. And I'm like, first of all, this is New York. Pay rent. That's my corner for peeing and crying. Then I took her to the vet and the vet said she has diabetes. I'm like, how does a cat get diabetes?
All my friends are like, what are you feeding your cat? I'm giving the cat cat food, dude. My cat can't speak. I don't know if my cat's in pain. My mom has diabetes and that makes more sense because I call her every Sunday and I'm like, Mom, what are you making for dinner? And she's like, I'm having a nice healthy cake. Okay, I get why you have diabetes. That makes sense. My cat doesn't walk around. Is that Seinfeld? That was Kramer. What the fuck was that? Oh my God.
This is an anomaly. I love the commitment, though. Yeah. I can't got diabetes. I promise I'm not crazy. Everybody's got diabetes. Do you say I promise I'm not crazy? Yeah. Well, that's why you should open the whole set. Yeah. Because that's funny. That's honest. You are a little crazy, though, huh? I guess so. Tell us something real and crazy about you that would surprise us. Give us something from your Italian side. Do you ever do anything exciting or anything at all? Really? Anything other than complainy, whiny, unfunny bullshit? Yeah.
This is the show you signed up for. No, I understand. Okay, let's go. What's something that would surprise us about you, Ginsburg? I don't know if you'd find it surprising, but I've been asked to officiate six weddings. I could believe that. Yeah, it's not surprising at all. Seems like that's what you would be good at. Thank you, sir. A very serious speaking role. Like in the real world or like on Sims? Yeah. The real world? The real world. I still can't get over, like...
You saw a guy that was 21 years old that is like suffering with some shit. Do his material. Another guy, his dad died. And then you're like, I have a pollen. You know how much damage was up here?
He's right. You think you've ever killed before? Six years in the game? Have you ever killed? I promise I do. You promise you do? I have, yeah. You have. I go up every day. You go up every day. Yeah. And that's what you did. You have a third best joke that might hit here? Who wants Sears? I know. I know. We're 11 minutes into this, guys. People are going to be like, well, how did you keep him up here? I don't care. I want to hear your third best joke. Okay.
If cat has diabetes is number two, and I'm 35 hanging out with 25 is number one. - No, it's not number one. I didn't-- - 'Cause you gotta have a killer. - I didn't finish that. I'm just nervous. - Okay, let's-- the third best joke, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Try to think of one that maybe has, like, a short setup and a big punch. Here we go. Andrew Ginsberg. Six years of New York comedy. Supposedly the comedy capital of the world.
And here is Andrew Ginsberg, six years into being a New York comedian. New Jersey, New Jersey. No, no, no. No, he's been doing it in New York, originally from New Jersey. But here he is, New York comedian, everybody. Andrew Ginsberg. Yeah, we already did this. Go ahead and do it. Well... I'll be honest. Okay, go ahead. I got this one.
I was saying to my friends, I feel like I'm like a raging alcoholic, you know what I mean? They're like, "Ah, don't make sure you say that, Ginsburg. You're not partying that hard." I'm like, "I don't know." If you wake up every single big night and you're Googling, "Am I an alcoholic?" You're definitely an alcoholic, right? I feel like most people don't do that. They're not like, "Should you have shit in a blender last night? Did people do that?" What's the third result say on this Google search, you know? But, uh... -Try to roll... - That's not fair.
This is fucking amazing. Oh! This is amazing. Ginsburg, let me ask you something. I've noticed, and at first I thought there was no way that it was really happening, but I've noticed that you do this thing. You know what you do? No, sir. This thing where you kind of fucking, and then I, you know, and then I, ba-ba-da-ba, and then I, da-da-da-da. You know, have you noticed that you do that? Yeah. What is that? That's some Jersey shit. Some Jersey shit. Exactly.
Again, no, he's a New York comedian. I want those New York comics to see one of their own out here just fucking... You're on lineups out there, right? Yeah, with everybody else. What's going on in New York comedy right now, right? It's not my best night. It's not my best night. That is one of the funniest things you've said in 13 and a half minutes. Holy shit.
We got to get you out of here, dude. You tried your best, though, right? You feel good? No, I don't. I'm sorry. There you go. There's a little bit of honesty in the moment. A little joke book. There he goes. Andrew Ginsberg, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. There he goes. Wow.
That is what this show is all about right there. Sometimes you're watching the future and sometimes you're watching the past in real time. Anything can happen. Put your hands together. Another bucket pool. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Matt Sturm, everybody. Here we go. Matt Sturm. Hey, guys. Fuck. How's it going? I'm getting a little fat. You're not fat. Why are you laughing, man?
You're a little fat. You are, you piece of... No, you're a good guy. I've got a little fat guys. I was with a girl recently. She tried to titty fuck me. Yeah, you ever have that happen to you? She was starting to milk me like a fucking ravaging beast. She was fucking pulling my tits and shit. I'm Matt, by the way. I'm German and Jewish, so I want to kill myself. You know? Uh,
Yeah, it's not a joke. What else guys? Fuck man. Passion of the Christ 2 came out quick. I can do this fast. Passion of the Christ 2 came out quickly. Mel Gibson announced it. It's a good time for him to hate Jews, right? Fuck. You can laugh. I just said I'm Jewish. It's okay. How you guys feel about Hamas? You like Hamas? No. You don't like it, huh? What? I can't. What did you say?
Oh, that's it. Wow. Wow. All right. It looks like Ginsburg cursed the show. Yeah, I know. All right, Matt Sturm, relax, relax. Take a breath for a moment. I'm fat, so I can't fucking breathe, man. Okay, Matt, relax. How long have you been on stand-up? Just about a little longer than Ginsburg. Wow.
Okay, why don't you tell us how long you've been doing stand-up, Matt? Oh, about eight years, Tony. Eight years. Where at? Where at? Well, it's been hard because I'm from Vermont originally, live in Connecticut, the dreaded Connecticut, so I would have to take a train in New York, do a bunch of New York scenes. Another New York comedian, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Oh, does that work there? No. Okay. Listen, man, I'm from New York. These niggas is not from New York. Yeah.
You look hot. No, you're a comedy store guy, Ian. Did you start in New York? Yeah, I started in New York. Yeah. Yeah, and I did like the Boston, the Cellar. Yeah. And then I moved to L.A. and I'm a store guy. So I'm a both. You're a true store guy, though. I mean, I know you there.
every week for 17 years, right? Yeah, yeah. You're one of the greats here, and I've never seen you ask a random crowd member when you're bombing, hey, you into Hamas? Yeah. This guy got thrown off by everything, by the way. Nobody in New York would do that shit. It's a good question. That's not a bad question. I don't know the answer, but... Well, you look like you drive Uber. Do you drive Uber? I've been in an Uber. Okay. It's a start. What do you do for work?
I'm looking for work. I don't have a job. What was your last job? I worked at a restaurant. I was a waiter. Okay. How long did you do that for? Oh, fucking 10 years. How recently did you lose that job? About a...
Six months, man. Okay, so how do you have enough money to survive? Six months? I was in my mom's basement. I wasn't doing shit, man. So I came down here. How long have you been here? I've been here about, you know, a little more than a month, I think. How's it going? I love it. I'm having a fucking blast, man. What are you doing for fun here that you're having such a blast?
I'm just going to all sorts of mics and shows and having a good time being around other awesome comics that are really nice. This scene's really tight-knit. There's a lot of cool guys around here that are super nice. Wow, what an adorable answer. Okay. Uh,
What's your, what do you do for fun? Anything other than standup comedy? - Oh, you know, Tony, sometimes I just take a long fucking look at the river and I think about the, you know, that Lady Bird. - Gay men that you've been murdering there? - Yeah, well, the Lady Bird late killer still is at rise. You know, we don't know who it is, but there's some rumors. - Don't make me do it again, Redman.
Is Ginsburg staying with you while he's out here? No, no, no. I met him tonight, but we're from the same... Oh, okay. You sure? Well, I recognized him from New York. You're both half Jewish. Yes. From the East Coast. Well, only a few of us survived that thing that happened. Topical. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. So let's talk about it here, Matt. Yeah.
you do recognize Ginsburg from New York's comedy scene. I've seen his face for sure. Let's do a fun thing. Since we had him try this, why don't we hear your best joke? You didn't do it tonight. You were saying what else for 35 seconds. So let's do a little fun thing. A little New York edition of your best joke.
joke eight years as a stand-up comedian grinding and grueling taking a train am i correct from connecticut to new york city yep grinding and grueling slinging my good ass jokes okay here you are your best joke ladies and gentlemen matt stern and go i'm gay oh crickets no oh okay
My best joke? I don't do... I'm bad at one-liners, Tony. Do a good one. Okay, hell yeah, man. Fuck. On the spot, just do... No, not a right one. Oh, a right one.
Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt. Don't make more noises into the microphone. It's not helping you. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Just listen. Wait, so when you were working at the restaurant, if they were like, hey, how's the Caesar salad? Would you just go, I'm gay, and pull your shirt up? Yes. Yes. That's how I got my tips. Okay, so stick with me here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In eight years of stand-up, I'm not asking you to write a joke now. I'm asking you to do the best joke you've ever written. The best joke I've ever written. There you go.
What's the best joke I've ever written? There he goes. Matt Stern, everybody. I don't know. I don't know what the best joke is. Bye-bye, Matt. There he goes. Very good. Blacklisted! Do not touch these people anymore. No more handshakes or high-fives or anything, by the way. That's not a thing. Whew!
Two New York comedians back to back. And now... And now... Sorry, Ian. By the way, I don't know why you're claiming New York. He said he's from Connecticut. Where they do stand-up is what I'm counting here. He goes to New York, but obviously it's not for stand-up. I don't care where they sleep. It's where they perform. These guys are on lineups in New York City.
Anyway, your next comedian is a regular on this show. You're going to see 60 seconds uninterrupted from an Austin comedian that works here full time. Let's see what happens. This is a brand new minute. This guy has to do this every single week. He's not reaching for a minute of the best stand-up that he's done in 80 years. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson, everybody.
Hey, them last niggas was terrible, dog. We was recently in Utah, and usually when I go to a state, they usually got most white people. I look up on the internet what side of the Civil War they was on. 'Cause you have to to be safe as a black man, right? And Utah wasn't even a state when the Civil War was going on, but whoever the fuck was in Utah sided with the union. And that's cool, that's great, good team, I fuck with them, you know what I'm saying?
I like that a lot, but I will tell you that the population in Utah of black people is 1.6. So even though they were like, "We don't fuck with slavery," they also were like, "We don't want you niggas over here neither. Stay the fuck out of Utah, bitch." I will tell you, I like Utah 'cause they got mountains, dog. And, like, I never thought I was gonna be able to see Mount Everest that close, you feel me? What's so fucking funny, dog? I'm from Florida. Every mountain to me is Mount Everest, bitch.
I only know three mountains, Mount Everest, Mount Kilimanjaro, big word, and Splash Mountain, dumbass. - One minute, nine seconds from a man that has to write a new minute every week in front of a million people, Cam Patterson.
I don't know how this turned into a New York versus Austin fucking Harlem Globetrotters game, but I love it. Come on, man. This is what we do, baby. Just a professional bawling all over two white nerds. Them niggas was, hey, the last nigga, the nigga that went before Heath. Yeah. Jerry, y'all let that nigga go home? What do you mean? He's a fucking serial killer, dawg. Oh, I know. Nobody stop. I talk to nobody. Nobody arrest this nigga, dawg.
He kills people. He murders people, man. It's fucked up how they wait to find the body. Yeah. It's like, we...
- He's right there, just get him. - Get him right now, man. - He gets rid of the body. See, not only does he seem like a murderer, but he also seems like the guy that knows the chemical compound to put in a barrel, to put the body into the barrel for the body to disintegrate completely. - I've never seen anybody look more like a sniper. - Bro. - Yeah. - You kept asking, you was like, "So who do you talk to?" I don't talk to nobody. "What about your parents?" What parents? But that nigga terrified the fuck out of me, dog.
I'm like, nobody... Shit, pissed me off, man. - Okay, Cam, you've never talked to yourself late at night, just laying in bed being like, "Look how great my big back cock is." You ever do that? - You know-- - I talk to myself. I think everyone does it, but you're right. His is a little crazier. - Remember the first time I met you? - Yes. - You do? - Yes, on Applebee's. - No, you--no. You came to the Atlanta Improv when I first started doing comedy, and I asked you to do a guest spot. - That's right. - And you looked me dead in my face and said, "Eat my pussy, nigga," and I said,
No, I don't want to do that. And then I didn't do that. You didn't do that. Well, the night is young, my friend. I remember, too, I remember I said, what's your name? And you go, Cam. And I go, what's the last name? You go, Patterson. I go, good. I just want to get it right when I tell the police. But you remind me of my old driver, Cam, so it's good to see you. Like, Driving Miss Daisy? I know that movie. I know that movie. Yeah, okay. It's a classic. Denzel was in it. Wasn't he in it? Wasn't Denzel in that movie? I think so, yeah. No, no. It was Morgan Freeman. Damn. Damn.
The white people got me, dawg. I'm forgetting black people now. I'm fucking up. I'm fucking up. That looked really fun. You guys having a good time. That looked really fun. You were crushing it, the Orlando improv. That was good. And look at you now. You're grinding. It's good for you. I'm very proud of you. Working our asses off out here. You feel me? Good for you. You have to. I do feel you. You crushed harder than Leno's dad with that bat. There's a joke there somewhere. But yeah. You're murdering tonight. That's what I'm saying. I killed his dad.
Okay. I don't know why I said that. Take that out, please. Cam, you definitely, you don't waste your words is what I appreciate. You're getting tied in with your jokes. Thank you. A very natural editor. It's very, very visible on these shows that we're doing on the road in massive theaters. Cam has a brand new tour coming up. Where are those tickets at? Camsofunny.com. I pretty said that's it. Is that it? Yeah.
Cam with one S, so funny? Two O's. Cam, Cam, so funny. Oh, God. Oh, that's a terrible idea. Do you hate selling tickets? You'd be better with so, like S-E-W. Somebody tell my dad that, nigga, he don't know the difference. Oh, your dad that literally can't spell. Oh.
Oh, you got to be kidding me. Your dad came up with your website name? That's a great answer. We put two O's on it. He literally thought he was spelling it correctly. This is where having a father hurts you. Cam, you're absolutely killing it. Thank you for reminding everybody how good a second B on this show. Great to see you, player. Two years in the game, by the way. Cam Patterson. Two years.
So, you see what's going on. We're back to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Let's see what happens here. You've seen how crazy it can get. This is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted by Davey Jackson. The Kill Tony or reappearance of Davey Jackson. So I've been trying out some new jerk-off techniques. Actually invented a couple new techniques, not to brag, but one of them's very similar to The Stranger. I feel like the Kill Tony universe is pretty familiar with The Stranger. All right.
Yeah, for those of you that don't know, it's a jerk-off technique where you sit on your own hand until it goes numb, and then you jerk off, and it feels like a stranger's jerking you off. Yeah. Pretty cool technique. I can't take credit for that one. I did not invent it. But the one I invented is actually very similar, though. It's called the reverse stranger. That's right. It's where you sit on your own dick... until it goes numb, then you jerk off...
and it feels like you're jerking off a stranger. Pretty fucking cool, guys. That's a good one. Not a bad technique. Yeah. That's a good one. This final technique is the one I'm most excited about. Been trying it out a lot. It's where you sit on someone else's dick until it goes numb, and that is actually just gay. It's very, very gay. Been going through a lot. Pretty confused. I'm Davey Jackson. Thank you. - There you go, Davey Jackson. Welcome back. You've been on this show before. - Yes, sir. - I remember you well.
So welcome back. Thank you. How's life going for you? It's good, man. I got too confident and put my hair in a ponytail tonight, which I felt good about, but then one of my friends told me I look like a founding father. I was pretty upset about that. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Four fathers? I'm trying to fuck a girl with no fathers. You know what I'm saying?
Wow. Look at this. He was ready, ready for an interview on Kill Tony. This is incredible. Almost someone that seemed like they wanted to be on a comedy show. How's the pollen affecting you today? Bro, I don't know what that's in reference to, but I've been snorting a lot of coke, so I don't know if it's the pollen or... Very good. Where's the craziest place you've done cocaine at? Off of Miss Doubtflamer's tits, I guess. Uh...
Doubt Flamer. Now, was Doubt Flamer, was that a joke or was that a slip-up? I think he's calling you a gay Mrs. Doubtfire. Okay, fair enough. Well, you just talked yourself out of a titty fuck, my friend. So the joke's on you. Sit on your own dick again, huh?
Oh, boy. Oh, my God. Sipping on the Cisurp over here. The great Elaine. Okay, so, Davey Jackson, I remember you used to sell, what, pain pills or Oxycontin or something like that? Any pills. Right, you were selling pills. What are you up to nowadays? I just got a hernia. Yeah. Okay, how'd you do that? Congratulations. Thank you. Literally blowing my nose too hard.
My guts popped out. Wow. How old are you? What's that? How old are you? 40. Fuck. God, that's scary. Oh, my God. Yeah, just wait till you get my age. Your clit starts growing pubic hairs. Why don't you just sit on your own dick again, huh? No, I'm sorry. It sucks. Getting old, it sucks. I'm going to tell you. So the hernia thing, I feel bad for you. Well, how'd you fix it? What'd you do? I haven't gotten it fixed yet. It's still fucking there. Uh...
I have to go for surgery, so guess who's re-upping on pain pills? Let's fucking go. Ooh, okay. Business is a-boomin'. What's your love life like right now? You're a good-looking guy. Ponytail energies. I appreciate that. Dude, it's shit right now, actually. How's that possible? Dude, I think I fucked all the Latin girls in San Antonio. I think I just ran through all of them. So I'm having to go to white girls, and they're boring as fuck. Holy shit, y'all are boring. What's the difference? Between a Latin girl and a white girl? Yes. Literally everything. Yeah.
See, there they are. Run down the list. One makes you peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The other one stabs you. There we go. That's a big difference. Yeah. They come with kids. And that's great. I mean, I love kids. Not like that. Okay. I walked into that one. You do dress like a softball coach that beats the children. Which is a tough gig to get. I wore the vest tonight. I thought Tony would be wearing one too. I'm kidding.
I am a big supporter of the vest, basically. I just got a new one this weekend. My friend gave me a new vest. I'm excited about it. It's got a fur interior. You'll probably see it on the next episode of Kill Tony. Vests are fun. They're great. When I first got here, I started dressing like a cowboy for a while. And then I'm looking out, and, like, the real cowboys wear vests. Like, you're from Texas? Yeah, exactly. See?
See what I mean? Like, and I'm like, wait, what's the thing with the vest? And I'm like, it's weird because your arms are going to get chilly and your body's going to be warm. I don't get it. And then I tried it. Fucking unbelievable. It looks so cool. It's unbelievable. It's a fucking no brainer purse. It's also a fanny pack, a purse, you name it. It connects everything. Instead of having a big bundle of keys, you know what I mean? For all the, for all the natural, uh, uh, amenities that you have in your life. You know what I mean? Uh,
in your pocket, you have them in your vest pocket. He's talking about drugs, people. What the fuck? Do you wear a condom when you fuck? Well, when he's with a Latina chick, yes. I try to. I really do try to. But it's actually the Latin girls that it just ends up coming off every time. Yeah. Do they take it off or do you take it off or is it... It's a joint effort, I think. Does it just disappear from wishful thinking? They just snatch it up in their pussy.
Oh, okay. I didn't even like that the way you said that. Yeah, that was... And I've been offering up free titty fucks, but that was crossing the line, sir. Davey, you already have a big joke book, right? I do, yes. Well, we're just going to red band? I would like to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Wow. On a real show. A real setup, a real punchline, a real 60 seconds from Davey Jackson. This handwriting is pretty bad, but I'm going to try this anyway. It's Jose...
Ooh, how about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Make sure you follow her. Gina with three As dot H-G or something like that. I don't know. Camsofunny.com. Figure it out. All right, this last name is a tough one. This is out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jose Vaneas or Vanellas or Oyneas. Here he is. Jose, everybody. Make some noise for Jose. These people wait all day for this.
I used to weigh well over 300 pounds. Yeah, doctors kept calling me weird names like "severely unhealthy" or "morbidly obese." I just thought I was round and lovable. I also suffered from what I believe a lot of people also struggle with in this room. It's called being stupid. I only say I was stupid because I let my mom do my back-to-school shopping at Tractor Supply.
Yeah, she got me a shirt, had a picture of a barn on it. It said, and I quote, "What happens in the barn stays in the barn." That's bestiality 101, guys. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know. All right, before I go, I have a buddy. His name's Nick. Every time I see him, I go, "Hey, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nickelodeon." You guys get it? It's 'cause he's a pedophile.
Wow. All right. Okay. Jose, how do you say that last name? Ornelas. Ornelas. Wow. Okay. Hi, Jose. How long have you been doing stand-up in New York? Tony.
A little over a year. You were in New York? No, sir. Oh, Jesus. Where at? San Marcos. Ah, San Antonio. San Antonio. Yes, sir. You were close. You were close. You see how fucking dialed in I am? I can tell you the freeway to get there right now. That's the New York of Texas. It is. Everyone knows that. It is. San Marcos is the least funny part of Texas.
Okay, Jose, god-awful appearance. I mean, unbelievably bad. Incredible. Yeah, you made Andrew Ginsberg look like Dave Chappelle.
So, you brought the show down to a new low. You've seen the show before, correct? Oh, I mean, of course not, sir. You haven't seen the show? I mean, I've seen clips. I've seen what happens. Do you know what happens at this part? Yeah, this is where I get flamed, dog. Well, not necessarily. Okay. Can you tell us interesting things about your life that maybe would have been more interesting for you to talk about tonight in your minute? Okay.
Any fun facts about you that you think makes you different than everybody else here? Different than everybody? Well, first of all, I'm me. All right? Type shit, type shit, first of all. Thank you. What? Huh? What'd you just say?
Did you just say, "I'm me"? -I'm me. -Oh, fuck you, dude. -Where are you? All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. You want something real? You want something real? You want something real? Elementary school, right? I was feeling not too good. I went to use the restroom. I had to take a number two, and then I threw up in my underwear. You know what? I still had to walk to class to tell my teacher, "Hey, hey, I got to go to the nurse."
So did you or did you not shit your pants? Oh, no, I shit in the toilet, but I threw up in my pants. Have you ever done that? No. Exactly. What the fuck are you talking about? Fucking new lows, dude. New lows? No. Elayton, stop. You're going to make it funny. Sorry. No.
Jose, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna save you. I'm gonna get you out of here right now. - No, don't do that. - Yeah, I'm gonna do it. You gotta go, buddy. No joke book. - Keep at it. - No little joke book, no big joke book. Prepare next time. Do a minute of standup comedy. It's okay, there he goes, Jose, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Jose. But you know what? I wanna do something really special right now.
Because, you know, we've seen some bombs tonight. We've hit some lows. And you saw Cam Patterson bring it back. You saw Casey Rockett come out with energy and silliness and fun punchlines. Let's do something really, really fun. And when you hear that noise, you know some shit's about to go down.
Someone, one of our regulars, has taken a long hiatus to prepare for his rematch at the Forum. It has been months since this man has done a minute on the show. If you know the words, sing it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kemp. Told you it's not easy. I love it here in Texas because I can say retard here.
Just can't jerk off to them anymore. Just got to picture it in your head like the good old days. Yeah, love the ladies. You know, a lot of ladies get mad at me because they send me nudes and I don't send nudes in return. I'm like, "Why would I return a gift with a felony?" I was recently in San Francisco. It's the Mecca of Asians. I love San Francisco. It's the only place Asian women have asses.
I was like, holy shit, is that an Asian girl with an ass or a 12-year-old Latino boy? Thank you. Wow. Hans Kim, I miss you, buddy. I miss you too, Tony. Wow. The pop from the crowd was insane. The return of one of the all-time greats. You've watched him write and perform hundreds and hundreds of minutes on this show, and here he is, back, better than ever, still Asian.
You could tell that he's coming off a weekend with me in Utah, which keeps being a running theme on the show because I did take him and Cam Patterson and Casey Rockett to Utah. And Hans is the only one baller enough to go straight to the airport and buy a shirt. LAUGHTER
Try to get the people on his side right from the arrival. How did you end up with a Utah hoodie like that? I didn't check the weather. I thought it'd be like Texas, beautiful and habitable to human beings. Unless you're allergic to pollen. Oy vey, it makes you unfunny. I don't know if you guys have the same reaction to pollen as Andrew Ginsberg, but...
Did you happen to see Andrew Ginsberg earlier? Yeah, he was there. Apparently he's allergic to jokes.
My sweet, sweet Hans Kim. Elaine, what do you think about Hans? Well, as far as Asian comedians go, you're pretty good. Hans, you're very funny. Your jokes are always on point. You're always writing the new stuff. So you got to Utah. What'd you see? What'd you do? Utah was great. Women are very beautiful there. Mormons, they're beautiful, but they don't put out.
So you can look, but don't touch. That was my policy. But I did do a little bit of touching. There you go. Hans. How does Hans Kim find... What's your move on the road? You know what I'm saying? You slide into DMs? What do you do? I just hang around and wait for someone famous to invite women to the show. Oh, God.
What? Okay. What the fuck, Hans? I don't even know what you're talking about, dude. What? Why would I do that? I'm gay, remember? I love being gay. It's a song. Penis in the butt. Hey. There you go. Thank you, Red Band, for the easy out there.
Okay. I love it. Hans, anything else we should know about? What do you want to plug something? I'm in like North Carolina, South Carolina coming up soon, doing a bunch of dates there. So check it out on my website. It's also in North and South Korea coming up. Okay. What else? I am in an open relationship. So feel free to take advantage of that.
Hans is what you think he is. He's brutally honest and ridiculously horny. What's the oldest chick you've been with, Hans? What'd you say, Elaine? What's the oldest chick you've been with? Probably like 68. Holy shit. Oh my God. Hold on. This might be... The guy that I've interviewed the most...
that's been on this show tonight, and we find this out right now. - Yeah, Lane brought it out of me. - Yeah. - Wow. - I'd like to put it in me. - Tell us about this 68-year-old Hans. Where were you? - I was in Seattle, Washington, doing open mics, and you know, this is Asian. She was a grandmother, or no, she was just a mother. I guess she had a really young daughter.
And, yeah, I didn't meet the daughter. There was no weirdness. So you don't think the 68 was weird? So wait, she saw you at an open mic and she's like, you're funny, come back to my place? She never said I was funny, but I pictured it in my head. You went back to her place? Yes. Okay, tell us how this goes down exactly. It was great. Yeah.
She actually did this thing where I was a missionary, and then she put her legs in between mine, and she squeezed, and it was like a 49-year-old vagina. Wow. Wow. Elaine, do you know about this move? Well, I do know that if you're 69, a 68-year-old, you get a free bowl of chicken fried rice.
If it's Asian on Asian, which sounds like it was, yeah? Yeah. Now, are you only attracted to old Asians, or does an old white ever sneak in there? I'm attracted to, you know, young Asians, but, yeah, I was an open mic-er. That was all I could get. Wow. But she was great. Okay. Did you wear a condom? I think so, yeah. With a 68-year-old? Yeah, she probably had a lot of history.
She probably did. It's not like you could get her pregnant, so I guess she was good. Yeah, no, if it's over 60, I can vouch, Hans. There's a lot of stuff up. I've got a DVD of Frasier on my pussy right now.
So I can confirm. I see the corner of it hanging out. There really is a DVD of Frasier in Elaine's pussy right now. Red band. What was she wearing? Like, was she like sweatpants? She had two bags. Like she have a samurai sword on her or something like that. Some type of, uh, she have Hans. Was she wearing a, uh, Asian takeout box? She looked a lot like Elaine's outfit tonight. No, she looked like a young, you know, everything looked great until, you know, the face was a little old, but sure.
Other than that, it looked like it wasn't what I was doing. Wow. I don't know if that last sentence added up for a chance. Now, what's your move with a 68-year-old? That's my last question. What's your move? How do you grease the wheels? I'm just like, hey, you got any cookies for me? Or, you know, I'll sit on your lap. You know, I'm down. And she's like, you ever heard of Andrew Ginsberg? Ha ha ha.
Yeah, he's got allergies, I think. Yeah. Yeah, he's a great guy. Okay. Do you think you made her orgasm? Definitely not. Definitely not. What happened exactly? Did you not last long?
- No, she was just like, "I'm 68. I'm not gonna let you make me cum like that." - Wow, she told you that? - Yeah. - God, see how asking another question sometimes gets you to the fucking end zone? She told you specifically that you weren't going to make her cum? - Yeah. She could tell. She's like, "You're not good enough."
Was she a massage therapist or something? Like, what was she? Like, you know what she did for a living? Yeah, do you know what she did for work? Uh, no. She was just normal Asian. So, yes. What was her place like? It was like a house in Seattle, two stories, pretty nice. You walked in and you just heard... I actually know that song. Did you just play that? Yeah, that was me. John, stop! Let me shine for a second. Stop playing it right, John.
I'm backwards. I'm backwards. I'm trying my best. Shut up, Mewling! You ate a hamburger during soundcheck, you fucking faggot! He's trying to get revenge on me over here. Play it right! No one cares about the notes! I can play the...
God damn it. No, that was it. The OCD and the MSG are all mixing right now. This is incredible. All right, Hans, you're a fucking legend. His first appearance in months. Thank you, Tony.
Do you want to say anything to Rick Diaz out there? I'm sure he's watching. - You're a bad person, and everyone's gonna know it soon. - Wow. He's looking for his second victory in a row. Hans Kim, live from the Forum in Los Angeles. Kill Tony makes its return to LA at the Kia Forum. What a special treat, huh? All right, the show's going long, but let's get one more bucket pull out here.
Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds for Matty G, everybody. Matty G. Do gay guys queef? I think COVID tests are a lot like STD tests. If you don't take it, you don't have it. I've been taking Biotin to grow out all my facial hair. I didn't know that Biotin was a hair supplement for all your hair.
I got a bush down there. So, yeah, now every time I want to take a dig pick, I gotta hire a team of Mexicans just to come over. I've basically been taking Scott's turf builder for my balls. Yeah, it's a real jungle down there. Jose does good work, though. He makes my little bonsai tree look like a giant sequoia. - Thank you. - Let me tell you something. Here's-- Let me tell you, I'm gonna surprise everybody right now, 'cause you're like, "Oh, shit, Tony's gonna go ballistic."
But you know what? You know what I liked about that? You bombed eloquently. - Thank you. - It was beautiful. And with no tricks, no shaky mic, and I'll be honest, no selling. You didn't try to trick us. You tried your material that you thought would work. You delivered it like it worked.
And then you kept going. You did the next thing. Ian Edwards. I agree with you. And he's not from New York. Well, I don't know. I think there's a chance. You visited there recently. Am I correct? No, sir. Oh, okay. Perfect. Thank God. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is probably my, like, 10th mic. Oh, adorable. You're doing just fine. Eight years, six years. You did better than those guys. Fuck those guys. Okay. So...
How old are you? I am 26. What do you do for a living? I'm a mechanical designer. What does that mean exactly? I make desks for schools and everything like that. Okay. Lab equipment, too. Okay. Very cool. What do you do for fun? You ride a motorcycle? No. Okay. I go fishing and...
Stuff like that, yeah, fishing. What else stuff like that? I used to sell guns, actually. Okay. Yep. Illegally? Legally and legally. Okay. There you go. You ever steal a bicycle from a retard? No, I can't say that. Or as they call it, a tricycle.
That doesn't make any sense. All right. Now I'm bombing. It's contagious up here. It's gone airborne. Guys, don't worry. It's the pollen. All right. So, Matty G, most interesting thing about you. Do you have any special skills or talents? Probably that I did sell guns during COVID. That was kind of crazy. People would come in with their face masks still on, and I would sell them a gun.
Is that the end of the story? Yeah, that's pretty much it, yeah. They'd come in, they'd say, hey, I want that gun. I'd be like, yes, sir, right away. You should open with that. Thanks. Yeah, I'll...
What is happening right now? It's okay. We're going to get there. Matty G, you've seen the show before. What's something interesting in this interview portion that you think you might want to bring up at this part? Makes you different than everybody else. COVID was actually really good to me. Yeah? Tell me more. Yeah, so, like I said, I sold guns, so I would be the first one to, like, see all the ammo, and for some reason, everybody would want...
during COVID. I don't know. They wanted to shoot COVID, I guess. I don't know. And I would take it and I would like buy it at a discount. Where was this at? What city is this? Austin, Texas. Okay. COVID also lined up with the BLM movement, didn't it? Yeah, it did. Yeah. So everybody's going crazy. You think it was COVID. Do you think it had anything to do with the fact that there were riots in the streets and the many major cities?
You're blaming it on... No. I didn't want to say it. Ian, you're getting defensive like I'm a New York comedian. I am defensive. But I live in California, right? So the first day of COVID, I was in Burbank. And everybody was...
He's so stupid, he thinks you guys will recognize the Tonight Show theme because it's filmed in Burbank. You literally just cut off Ian for reference.
Everybody was buying guns. Everybody. I didn't even know they had gun shops in Burbank until that fucking day. They have that one across from the Costco or something. It's a big one. But there's more than you could... I just drive down the street and I see lying there, lying there. I don't know what people thought was going to happen during COVID, but when he says he works in a gun shop and he sold a lot of guns, I get it. Mm-hmm.
What's the most suspicious gun you've ever sold? Did you ever sell one to a guy named Jerry Carlin? No, but I did have this one situation where this couple came in, white dude from East Texas, and he was looking at the gun, and then all of a sudden when it came time to do the paperwork for the gun, he was like, nah, he's gonna get it. He's gonna buy it. And it was just this black dude. Ian Edwards. Why the fuck did you say it like that? We're checking...
We're going to go to our senior African-American correspondent, Ian Edwards, here for another moment. Now it's his theme song. It's no longer the Tonight Show theme. Hit that Ian Edwards theme for us, Red Band. Let us say, hey, it's time for our black correspondent. Hey, man, do me a favor and say black dude again. Black dude. I gotta go, Fred. He said it pretty well. He did say it pretty well.
Great question. Ian Edwards from Half Court. I love it. There he is. That's why he's our senior African-American correspondent live on this scene. Now tell us about this white guy you saw on the news.
And did he perform earlier tonight and have on glasses? He killed himself. Oh, hey. Oopsie daisy. Okay. Oopsie daisy. Thanks for coming. Holy shit. Oh, my God. What the fuck? All right.
Maddie, here's a little joke book. Good stuff, buddy. Get out of here. Go sell guns. Go sell guns. Oh! The show's going too long. We're in overtime right now, but I realized we didn't have a female stand-up comedian tonight, so in order to make up for that, I pulled out of the bucket until I got a lady. You guys ready for your final bucket poll of the night? 60 seconds uninterrupted for Kelly Quinn, everybody. Kelly Quinn.
My husband always gives me grief for saving all my fast food napkins in his car. I tend to value worthless things like our children. He also isn't real fond of the fact that I like true crime podcasts. He says he's worried for my soul and he should be worried because statistically I am the most likely to murder him.
He's a history buff and he's fine with war. I guess domestic homicide is just not in a big enough volume. But it does answer for me the question of nurture or nature. He is German. We are almost empty nesters, so I thought we should travel more.
He said, "Yes, we should take the path of Lewis and Clark from Pittsburgh to the Oregon coast. It's 4,900 miles. We'll go through 60 native territories. It'll be badass." I thought it would be nice to go to Dallas. There you go, Kelly Quinn. I saved you from the bear there. I knew you were about to get to it.
Great stuff, Kelly. Thanks. Adorable. How long have you been doing stand-up? It'll be two years in August. Two years in August. Congratulations. I love it. This is one of your high school friends, right, Elaine? I think we go to the same stylist slash gynecologist. She's doing better on you. Well, no, you look good. You look good. No, you're adorable.
Very, very interesting, Kelly. So you started two years ago. What made you start? You seem like the kind of person that would write blogs about how you hate stand-up comedy and about how it's ruining society. And here you are out here doing it, calling your children worthless with a big smile, having fun, thriving. I love to see it.
Normally you're asking for the manager and here you are out here people are there's a ruckus in the crowd people are Breaking glasses over their heads. They're so excited for you. It's it's Kelly not Karen Did I call you Karen? You said I'd ask for a manager. You do look like a Karen though. Yeah Absolutely. No doubt about it. Have you ever asked for the manager?
I have, but to give compliments. Whoa, look at that. Wow. She's like, wow. Yeah, bizarro Karen. That's not true. What's the nicest thing you've said to a waiter at a restaurant? Nice ass. Oh, okay. Whoa, wow, amazing. What race was that person? I don't know.
Oh, she doesn't see color, everybody. And for that, we're going to check in with our senior African-American correspondent, Ian Edwards. Here we go. Hey. She doesn't see color, Ian. To be honest, I checked out when she said, my husband.
No, but pretty good shit. Like two years, you know, there's been some dudes up here who have claimed that allegedly they've been doing comedy for seven and eight years and that they're from fucking New York. Yeah. So you've done considerably better than them. Where do you live, Kelly? Wichita Falls, Texas. Wichita Falls. Ooh, a big pop from the crowd. Where is that? It's like five hours some which way. I don't know. North? North.
- It's like almost Oklahoma. - Okay, yeah, that would be North. - Yep. - They've got a Dairy Queen there, right? - Several. - Several Dairy Queens, yeah. Are you a fan of Dairy Queen? - I am, I like Brahms better though. - Okay, yeah, that's another ice cream place, yeah. Brahms is, yeah, it's good. I love your smile, your jokes are tight, you're effervescent, you're affable. You look like me after a red band titty fuck. You really-- - That is true. - Oh, no sound effect? You got shy.
There you go. A chainsaw is what he came up with on that one, everybody. A chainsaw. Okay, so Kelly, you used to have a job? You have a job? I have a job. I'm not that old. What do you do? I'm a classic rock DJ.
Are you serious? On like an FM radio station? Yes, real terrestrial radio. Wow. Do you have a special DJ name? Kelly Quinn. Kelly Quinn in the afternoons, mornings? Nine to two, so midday. So you're playing a lot of Barenaked Ladies and Sugar Ray? No, it's classic rock. It's not shit radio. Right. Goddamn right. Wow. It's amazing. And you love classic rock.
I do. Can you give us a little example of you tossing to a song? Or like what you do in between songs. Can we just hear your true radio voice? Let's all close our eyes. The stylings of Kelly Quinn. Here we go.
104.7 The Bear, Kelly Quinn. That was Pink Floyd. We're going to head into something sweet and sexy like a little Metallica one on 104.7 The Bear. I love it.
I love it. And now we're going to do something special. We're going to have, a lot of people might not know this because I didn't tell you guys, but Elaine also is an afternoon DJ. The afternoon drive with Elaine, 95.5 KLOS. And here is an example of Elaine DJing. It's 6.23 p.m. right now. We're playing The Phrase That Pays. John Mayer, we got free John Mayer tickets to see him at the Palladium tonight. Call The Phrase That Pays, 102.5 KLOS.
Be careful outside. It's getting dicey. If you're going to try stand-up comedy, put on a mask because there's Pauling outside. You don't want to fuck up your one chance on Kill Tony. Call in right now. 421-1015. Get two free John Mayer. Oh, we're going to take that call right now. Hello? Yeah, hi. It's me, Redman. I'm looking for a titty fuck. Those knees are... Her knees are blown out. She's going to need to... She's going to need to hit up Dr. Phil. Take care of those knees after that.
Oh my goodness. That was good though. That was good. Kelly, you seem like such a sweet, real lady. Your kids are almost out of the house? Yes. How much longer you got? Graduation's May 25th for my youngest. Okay. Are you still with your husband? Do you have a piece of tape around your finger? What is that? It's a register receipt from the burger joint because I walked out without my wedding ring. Who hit you?
You walked out of the burger joint without your wedding ring? No, I walked out of my house without my wedding ring. And so I did what I did. I'm a woman. I improvised. So just to let Hans Kim know you're off limits, you wrapped a receipt around your finger. That is adorable. Andrew Ginsberg's the only other comedian that keeps all of his receipts on him that we've had up tonight.
Incredible stuff. One last question before I let you go. What is something that would surprise us about you or shock us about you? You just seem sweet and real. Do you have any guilty pleasures or something like that? Is there something naughty that Kelly Quinn does every once in a while? Perhaps it could be in the bedroom or somewhere you go or something you do. I'm a big fan of
Rock concerts and crowd surfing and you crowd surf. I did until I broke my neck a year ago There you go. I had a feeling that was coming. You have real broken neck energies How did you how did you break your neck?
I was a college gymnast and I had a real bad fall onto my head and apparently after like 25 years you can grow a bone spur into your spinal column and then you can just wake up one morning paralyzed. There you go. Absolutely. You thought all the good spurs were in San Antonio. Turns out they're in Wichita Falls, Texas as well. Anything else for Kelly, everybody? Are you free Thursday?
Absolutely. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Whoa. Kelly Quinn getting a real comedy set two years into her career. She's going to have to make the drive back from Wichita Falls. And I'll tell you what, I'm going to give you one of these big joke books because I know you're actually going to use it. There she goes. Kelly Quinn, everybody. Look at them. Two best friends. Look at the shoulders on Elaine. I mean, unbelievable. What...
Type of fucking offensive line woman, are you? You are a fucking thick piece of beef. You know that, Elaine? Well, I'm also Casey Rockett's bodyguard. Oh, wow. Look at that. Okay. A show like this, there's only one way to end it. Ladies and gentlemen, the Hall of Famer, the record holder of appearances all time, interviews, sets, new minutes. This is him. The Wichita Falls Wibbly Wobbler.
Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. First off, Tony, I'm very excited to announce that Punky Johnson and I are officially dating, and she's actually pregnant. April Fools, okay. Anybody else jealous they didn't get the invite to Puff Daddy's parties? Everybody's all mad, and I'm all like, oh, yeah, terrible. Maybe I should go undercover to investigate. Okay.
People are saying Cuba Gooding Jr. committed a crime, but I'll tell you what the real crime is. He won an Oscar. Oh, a black guy plays an athlete. How'd he get into character? What a stretch. As a defense attorney, I must advise that admitting to shooting the sheriff but then claiming you didn't shoot the deputy is a bad legal defense. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony.
A brilliant, brilliant joke there at the end. Shooting the sheriff but not the deputy. Wow. Amazing, William. You did it again. Another unbelievable set. Very, very fun. How do you feel? I feel pretty good other than the fact that there is now a dead squirrel up in our chimney and it has been smelling like death for the past three days now, Tony. And I actually...
had an exterminator man come by today and he starts telling me, oh, I can't go up on the roof. If I go up on the roof this one way, I'm going to roll off and die. If I go off the other way, I'm going to roll off and die. And I'm like, dude, you're not just a friend. I'm trying to fucking pay you money to get rid of this fucking thing. Why are you just giving me excuses, you dumb piece of shit? This is why you're fucking getting dead squirrels out of people's fucking
Because you're a dumbass, you motherfucker. He's giving me all these excuses, Tony. And I just want the smell gone, but it's going to be Wednesday, so I have to live with it for another couple days. That's what happens when you exterminate his last name, his Ginsberg. Yeah. Actually, I'm allergic to squirrels. I can't get up there. I'm allergic to rooftops as well. I do not perform well under these conditions. God, Tony, I had to stop myself. I was fucking holding the microphone like those dumb New York pieces of shit!
Holy shit! William, William, they're not from New York. Well, they perform in New York. That's the defining characteristic. I mean, don't try to get it. You're from fucking New York, but you have to admit those people were fucking terrible. I have a dead squirrel in my... Yeah, thanks, dumbass. Holy shit! Whoa! Whoa!
The squirrel in your chimney is probably covered with ash and soot. To talk about this more, we're going to go with our senior African-American correspondent. What do you think about the squirrel in blackface in the chimney right now? That's the only reason why he's trying to get rid of it. I mean, he is racist as shit, though, Ian. I mean, it's a real racist fucking... How am I racist?
No, the squirrel's racist. How is the squirrel, how is a dead squirrel racist? He's been saying the N-word a bunch, and I'm like, dude, I can't fucking, I can't do this shit. He's trying to get me to say the N-word, Ian, but I haven't been saying it. I haven't been saying it. Listen, even when you say just the N-word, I hear the E-R. Well, that was a long time ago, Ian. No, I'm kidding. Okay.
It is amazing. Elaine, what do you think? William, you're very likable. You don't look like you've bathed in a while, but that's okay. What does your shirt say?
It says storage, etc. It's the people, Christina Gonzalez. It's the place where I was working right before the pandemic, and I still hope Christina Gonzalez is dead and in hell. Was that your boss? Yeah, she was the stupid fucking Latina woman, which the details don't matter on that, but she was a stupid, fat,
And I would catch her stupid fucking ass. This is when I was drinking and doing blow all the time. So I'd show up fucking hungover as fuck and she would be sleeping in the break room and I'd take pictures of the security camera and she would get mad. And there was one time, Ian, I did have a good George Floyd joke during the pandemic.
And I'm good friends with the two black guys who I'm working with, and she has bad intention telling them that I was some racist person. It was bullshit. She's a dumbass. What was the George Floyd joke? Yeah, what was the George Floyd joke? I heard George Floyd's last wishes were to make change for a 20. Oh, boy.
And with that, we check in with our senior African-American correspondent, Ian Edwards. What do we think about the joke? Just based on that, I feel like he murdered that black squirrel. Yeah. There were red hairs around the corpse.
William, you did it again. We fucking love you. It doesn't get much better than that. Right, Elaine? What do you think? You're unbelievable. You've got... You've got... You just... You can't... You can smell the mental illness on you, but you're dressed like all the people in high school that I really... That I admired. You know? You're dressed...
- Do you address yourself? - Well, I just, I can't stop looking at your fucking nasty fucking neck, you old bitch. It looks just like the fucking squirrel that's dead in my chimney, bitch. - Shit. - Okay, you know what? I was waiting for somebody to make fun of my neck and I think I fucking had it. This neck looks like all the fucking pussies that you fucked with your tiny inch dick. And you know what? - Who's that funny bitch? God, and you're stupid as God. Let me see them titties, bitch.
I can't believe you let your girl walk out like that, dumbass. That is my daughter's friend. You stop that. William, I guess I'm getting angry because... Well, I get angry when I get turned on. Red band music. Uh-oh. Here you go. Thank you for being a friend. Traveling down and running back. I guess what I'm trying to say... William, I...
I've never seen a ginger I like. I've traveled the world. I've seen everything. And tonight, the great night of my life. Come here. We've seen good jokes and bad jokes and Jews and blacks. And in fact, I almost had a heart attack tonight. But that's what you get.
There you go. Powerful. Powerful. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Skylight Frame, game time.
If they're still sponsors, we'd like to thank them. How about one more time for the great William Montgomery?
there's a comedian in the world that could possibly do better than that. Wait, I wrote a couple jokes down. Keep the music going. Oh, wait a second. Wait a second. Ladies and gentlemen. That's it, that's it, that's it. Just keep the music going. Make sure it's for Elaine, everybody. So I met Tony a couple weeks ago and he said, you come by The Mothership and try it. And this is a real honor. This is my favorite show in the entire world. So thank you so much for letting me be a part of The Mothership.
I wrote a couple jokes real quick. Hans doesn't believe in God, but he believes in Godzilla. Fuck. Shit. If Cam Patterson's here, who's punching women in the streets of New York? Fuck, I don't know. Casey Rockett looks like the first person to OD on cookies. Fuck. Hans Kambi, you look like an Asian Disney character named Gookfie. Fuck.
What else? Okay, Cam Blacks rocks, KC Smokes rocks. KC, you look like the dollar store version of Kyle Rittenhouse. Comedy hasn't come easy to Hans. It takes a lot of drive, which is hard when you're Asian. Oh boy. And then I just got some pickup lines from Red Band that he texted me in the middle of the night. Are you Hurricane Katrina? Because you're blowing me away with your hot tits. Can I come on your back? Uh.
uh what else what else cam looks like his first special was released on a ring doorbell camera follow him on instagram ian edward comic adam ray comedy on youtube right now is the new crowd work special is out the drawing from ryan j is unbelievable adam ray comedy on youtube at ian edwards comic on instagram how about
How about one more time for the best damn man in the land, Carlos Sosarro Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez, the great Nick Lewis on the bass, John Deese on the keys, and Matt Muehling on guitar. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebel, it's incredible, ryanjebel.com. Let's see what local artist Chris Rogers drew up over there. Whoa! William and Cam, or Casey Rocket, William and Casey.
You gotta love it. Another very fun episode. Red Band? Check out the Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip, ATX.com. NinjaBuses.com. Thank you. There are transport this weekend in Dallas and Houston. Very fun stuff. Thank you to everybody, including the audience. God bless you guys. Good night, everyone. Madison Square Garden.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.