#658 - JOE ROGAN + TUCKER CARLSON + JIM NORTON
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at tonyhinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to sunsetstripatx.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. ♪

It's Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hicks. Who's ready for the night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Goddamn Redman right here.

Oh, shit. We're in it tonight. You did it. You made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. Brought to you by Game Time, Skylight Frame, DraftKings, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, and Gel Blaster. And we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. How about one more time for the fucking band, huh? Yeah!

And you guys watching at home don't know this, but sometimes we have special guests swing by and do unbelievable music appearances, because this is Austin, Texas, the live music comedy capital of the world. And how about one more time what you guys saw? Wynonna Judd is in the house tonight, everybody. Absolute fucking goddess of rock and roll. An unbelievable performance. I got shivers from that. Chills. Chills.

Chills to the absolute bones. And amazing stuff. You never know what's going to happen here. Highly recommend checking out the show live. Did you guys have fun yet already, huh? Before we start tonight's podcast, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. ♪♪

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

Who's ready to have the best goddamn time of their lives? They're not? They're not?

You're in it tonight. This is just one of those fucking episodes where everything is perfect. It's just fucking perfect. The machine gets to breathe and no one possibly better is tonight's guest. I love this man. He's been on the show many times before. One of the best comedians in the world. One of the best right now. One of the best ever. And we're going to have so much fucking fun. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great and powerful Jim Norton.

Welcome back, Jim. Thank you. Such a goddamn pleasure to have you. I love it. One of the fucking greats. Thank you. A true fucking killer. New Yorker. Nicky and Jim NYC on YouTube. Their new podcast, Sword Fight. Tickets available. One of the great live comedians in the world. JimNorton.com, so check them out. And Jim, you know how it works. A bunch of fucking souls signed up for the opportunity. Probably how many tonight, Yoni? Ballpark? 200? Yeah, somewhere around there always.

2:30, Jesus fucking Christ. This shit is getting out of control. A lot of these people moving here, some of the best up and coming promising talents moving here. Some people literally lying that they've prepared for this just to hopefully get famous. And they annoy me and I try to figure out a way to make them uncomfortable for signing up for a show built around comedians trying to make it.

But you know how it works. They get 60 seconds, and then you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is loud, and that interrupts them. And then I ask them a bunch of questions. We learn more about them, stuff that's good, stuff that they could talk about, stuff that they should never do again. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start the show?

I go to the bottom of the bucket. I pre-pull a name. They go get them from across the street. While that person's being wrangled, I present to you the newest regular on Kill Tony, a very esteemed position which guarantees fucking fame and ticket sales for the rest of their lives. This guy's an absolute phenom, ladies and gentlemen, a force of nature. Unbelievable fucking gift from the comedy gods. I present to you a brand new 60 Seconds

from the crab man himself, the one and only KC Rock! Do you have to? Do you have to let it linger? Alright, cool. Irish stuff, get lost, eat piss, your dick. Alright, yeah, I'm feeling dangerous tonight, boys. I might fuck around and give a moose a muffin and this motherfucker who's with me, huh? Might fuck around and give a mouse a cookie. Alright, cool. Hell yeah, get lost, come on. Alright, dud. That was a dud harmonica. Tony, I'm starting over. Alright. Alright.

Can't riff during the minute? Come on now, get lost. All right, cool. It's so dangerous. Biden hates to see it. God. Hey, Biden, I got six words for you, sweetheart. Let me check the White House for ghosts. Okay, cool. Do you have to? Get lost. Lock the bathrooms. Nobody's pissing. Still riffing. Okay, cool. I...

I used to do weird combinations of drugs when I was a teenager. Like, I'd drink a bunch of Tuss, Robitussin, and I would... I'm America's Robitussin comedian. And I would... I'd drink a bunch of Tuss, and then I'd take a bunch of Adderall, too. So I'd be focused, but I'd be focused on the wrong shit. You know what I mean? Scribbling in a notebook, like, what if worms could scream? All right, thank you. I'm Casey Rockett. Thank you so much. Amazing.

Right on brand. Complete chaos. I love to see it. Jim, what do you think about the great Casey? I love him. I worked with you this last night. You did two shows. And the energy is crazy, but the jokes are good. Like a lot of guys mask bad jokes with energy, and your jokes are great. Like really funny and great writing. Oh, thanks, man. I just enjoy watching you a lot. You're really funny. Hell yeah. 100% agree.

A lot of interesting new perspectives. Lock the bathrooms, I like. It's interesting because if you did that, you would be locking people in and out at the same time. It would create, within minutes, there would be chaos down there. Just the way I want it. Have you ever put the microphone stand somewhere and said, no, it actually should stay there? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it feels better to, yeah, have it in motion, kinetic energy. You guys know kinetic energy. Yeah, just have it. It's good to stay in motion. It helps me be fluid, whatever that means. But yeah, just keep moving. Keep moving. Keep being brave. It felt weird to... It was weird to actively kind of improvise a little bit in the minute because I was like, oh, I probably have 10 seconds left. And I was like...

Yeah, Tess comic. I was like, oh, trying to get back to it. Not only does he move the microphone a lot, he also moves the stool a lot. He jumps over the stool, things like that. And I had only seen him here in this room and in the little boy, which has about the same size stage. And I took him to open up for me in a massive theater a few weeks ago. And I realized that he uses all of the stage that he's given no matter what. That's where I learned that.

A crab at 45 miles an hour sideways like that and then back, never losing sight of the crowd, staying square the entire time. The harmonica toss, I didn't know someone could toss a harmonica 40 yards behind them like that while telling jokes. Everything was bigger. I wouldn't have guessed that about him, but he might use more stage than any comedian I've ever seen before.

Well, I was amazed, too. Coming out, I was like, I mean, I think you're really funny, but I was like, oh, please let him knock the drums over. I thought that would be so fucking great. But you move well in the space. You don't overuse what you have. So, yeah, very impressive. You're very aware of your surroundings. Thank you. Yeah, I try to be. Yeah, it's a heat signature thing. I try to keep... It's like a velociraptor. You know how they say fighter jets? It's not... You know how they say fighter jets? They...

It's not about where they are, it's about where they aren't. So... That's kind of what I operate on, so... F-15 rules, so... Yeah. Wow. I've actually never heard that about fighter jets, but I believe it when you said it. I don't know I heard that one time. Okay. I've also never heard of it. It is incredible. You have a real knack at making up references that perhaps have never existed before.

Is looking for ghosts at the White House something you've always wanted to do, or is this just with this new administration? - Another one. - The undertaker walks out. Yeah, it's something, it's definitely piqued my interest the last few years. I've been getting more into ghost hunting. We all, we contain dualities, right? Multiplicities, dualities. Plato talked about this. - Yeah.

The philosopher. The toy, not the philosopher. The philosopher, not the food. Oh, I just got Casey rocketed right in the face. That was incredible. But I'm a complicated guy, and it's funny to bring that up in the context of hunting ghosts. I, uh...

But Wynonna Judd was out here earlier, and I wrote a song, and I would love to sing the song that I wrote. Oh, wow. We've never had Casey do a song before. This is very exciting. I have to... It's a short song, so it's kind of like a country song. I don't know... Do you know what you want? It's a little... It's like... Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do

Be careful what you wish for, KC Rock. Okay, perfect. It's kind of complicated, so I just got to look at it really quickly. Okay, here we go. It's called How Far Can a Quarter Go? It's a serious song, so don't laugh. It's really serious. Okay. ♪ There comes a time in every woman's life ♪ ♪ Where she's got to make a choice ♪

Thank you.

That's it, but it's pretty good. Pretty exciting. It's no big deal. I'm a first-time singer-songwriter. First-time singer-songwriter, so... Pretty good. Not that bad. Pretty good. Okay.

It went really good. It went really good, I think. I think it went really good. Yeah. I love that you're your own music critic. How far can a quarter go? That was good. That was really good. Yeah. That was your favorite song of the year. It's the question that's on all our minds. How far can a quarter go? It's like, I don't want to explain too much about it, but...

It's like, can this quarter take you back to what you once had? Like at a payphone. So that's about... Thank you. Oh, God. Oh, Wynonna Judd has something she wants to say up there. Hold on. Here she is. Everybody's silent. Wynonna Judd. Thank you. Oh, shit. Got signed to a record deal. My God. My God. Wynonna Judd just made a new Wynonna Bud.

Oh my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Casey, you convinced her that it was great. That was good. She's not going to help you. She's just showing you what you can do with a quarter. I love it. Casey, you're a goddamn superstar. We love you so much. So much fun. There he goes. Thank you, guys. Thank you.

And like that, it has begun. No one starts a show quite like KC Rock. And now we switch over to the bucket where anything can happen. We're going to meet some new people here. Make some noise for John Kondalik with 60 seconds uninterrupted. John Kondalik, everybody. Come on. Fuck yeah, mothership. How's it going, everybody? Goddamn right. How's your week been? Mine's been all right. The other day, someone said that I had resting youth pastor face.

Little bit about me. I'm an amputee missing three and a half of my fingers. Totally cool to laugh. Last to bet. Fuck yeah. What happened? Well, like my birth, it was an accident. So at least with that accident, someone came. So I'm just saying, fuck yeah. I actually got a pretty good deal because I got three and I got one half off. So...

Tell your fucking friends. Hell yeah, dude. I put the armed in armed forces, you know what I'm saying? Because my hand looks like a gun and the state of Texas at the same fucking time. So the great state of fucking Texas. So fucking laugh. Guys, I'm John Condolek. Thanks so much. Yeah, John Condolek.

Very fun minute. Great set. There's something about you I can't quite put my fingers on it. Jim, what do you think about this set? Tony, seriously, give him a hand. Fuck yeah, dude. Incredible. John, I would give you knuckles, but... We could bones it. Fuck yeah. Oh, yeah. How did you lose them? Well, I got fourth degree burns, actually. Fireworks. No. No.

I had my hand in cement and there was a makeup accident for a film. And I was actually playing a guy who gets his fingers cut off.

And I just take method acting way too seriously. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. I'm coming after you, Daniel Day. Fucking look out. No, but so they used the wrong materials. And they basically used something called UltraCal 30, which is basically like a cement. And so I had a chemical burn. And I got fourth degree burns, which is charred bone. And my veins were destroyed. Joints were destroyed. Everything was destroyed. They couldn't save them. We were in the... Oh, we... I was in the hospital for, like, weeks, basically.

And they just eventually were like, we got to amputate. What happened here? Was this directed by Alec Baldwin? What exactly? This is crazy. What kind of movie was this? Idle Hands. What movie was this? What was this for? It was for a student project, actually. Oh, no. It gets worse. It gets worse. Tell us more. The filmmakers, they were foreign exchange students.

Didn't speak English at all. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. It was crazy. And you know what's even crazier? Technically, Quentin Tarantino's responsible for this. Tell us more. I know. So... I think I saw this. Kill fingers? Yeah. The Hateful Three. That's...

Got him. Oh, my God. Fuck yeah. So if you're not familiar, Quentin Tarantino made a movie called Four Rooms. Are you familiar? Yes, very much so. Fuck yeah. So in his segment, there were four different stories, four different directors. In his story, he was doing basically that story. You have to light your lighter so many times if you fuck up.

you get the chop right they did that beat for beat they just basically stole the beats and I met with Tarantino at the store and I got I was don't meet your heroes when you're high on edibles

Yeah. So I told him that and he was losing his goddamn mind. And I'm like, so wait, how does the final scene in four rooms apply to your thing? They, they ripped it off completely beat for beat. So they were doing the exact same story. Oh, I was the guy lighting the lighter and getting the chop, but we never got to filming because we were doing the makeup prep and they fucked up there. Oh,

Wow. It's okay. Did you immediately know like the second your hand was in there was a problem? No. So it was just like

I thought it was like silicone or, not silicone, like plaster, but it was not. So it was just mushy, wet stuff, and then a few moments later, it started getting a little bit lukewarm, but as soon as that happened, it skyrocketed in heat. And I jumped up, and oh, by the way, when I was telling Tarantino this, I'm like, yeah, I'm glad this happened. It happened for a reason, and one of the reasons was there was another actress there

She showed up late, and she put her whole hand in, and it went up to her wrist. And so she would have lost it, but as soon as I jumped up, screaming, like, good God, it's fucking burning me, she pulled it out, and she was safe. So thank God for that. That's a blessing. Did she at least give you a hand job? Yeah.

She owes you one, dude. Yeah. 100%. She fucking owes you one. Or you could finger blast her with whatever that is right there. The old fucking clit monster right there. Look at that thing.

I like to tickle them a little bit and make them laugh. You know what I'm saying, bitch? The old double thumb. Hell yeah. The old fucking mouse pad you got right there. The old fucking... Wow. Call that the nub rub. That's the fucking nub rub. Oh.

Careful, dude. We might start an OnlyFans page. That's incredible. She's going to call it her handyman. Fuck yeah, dude. Wow. Absolutely incredible. What a nice guy, by the way. The positive you find in it is that she was okay. To me, that would have been the negative. Like, if only that bitch put her hand in first, I'd be fucking fine. So,

It's layered. It's multi-layered. So I'm glad it happened. So that was a silver lining. Thank God for that. But if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have got hired at this independent film studio. If I hadn't worked at that independent film studio, I wouldn't have met my wife. If I hadn't met my wife, I wouldn't have started comedy. If I hadn't started comedy, I wouldn't have ended up at the store meeting Tarantino, and I wouldn't be here in front of all you guys at fucking Kill Tony. Amazing. Amazing.

Full circle, you know? Did the film get finished? Nope. Fuck no. That was just like rust. We didn't do it like rust. We stopped shooting. We didn't... Dunzos. They fled the fucking country. Sure. I bet. So if you've seen some Koreans like yay hi with like three and a half fingers, point them out.

Wow. Are you right-handed? Yes. That's good. That's good. Yeah. At least it looks nice, too. Like, that's like a nice... Thanks, dude. Yeah. And you had a great story. It is cool. It's a great story. Yeah. It's not bad. No one notices, either, because everyone thinks I'm, like, making a fist. You know what I mean? Like, the fucking producers backstage, they didn't notice, and I shook their fucking hand. Wow.

The bartender's out on 6th Street, they put change in my hand, and it fucking rolled off. How far can a quarter go? Fuck yeah.

Smells fine. Tony, no one ever wants to play rock, paper, scissors with me ever. You know what I'm saying? I bet. They're just like, rock, paper, scissors, and they're like, what the fuck is that? Yeah. Hatchet. Whatever I want it to be, man. I fucking win. So it fucking pays to look like the butler from Scary Movie 2. That's all I'm fucking saying. Let me use my good hand. Oh, I can see it. So.

So how long have you been doing stand-up, Jon? -Two and a half years. -And where at? -L.A. -L.A. -Yeah, I just drove up. -That's fine. You can make the logo with your hand. -Yeah.

It's a reverse. We literally just got in here at 6.30. Okay. In time for sign-ups. And what do you do for work? How do you make a living? So for a living, I've been in the film industry for 13 years, and I edit movie trailers for a living. Oh, okay. That's my day job. Well, your fingers also hit the cutting room floor. That's incredible. That's amazing. That's good. I like that. Any trailers we would recognize or anything like that? No. It's a lot of $5 million movies, like the kind of stuff that you see straight to –

Have you seen any Aaron Eckhart action movie? Yeah, no one has. So it's shit like that. Okay. It doesn't make me happy anymore. Comedy makes me happy, and I've been pulling back. Right, pulling back. So what's your love life like? A lot of fisting. Yeah.

Uh, not great. Um, yeah. Mainly because my wife doesn't let me have a girlfriend. Oh, you're married? Yes, sir, I'm married. Oh, I can't tell. There's not a ring on there. Yeah, I've moved it. Oh, the old switcheroo. Look at that. This is... This is...

This is really embarrassing. I was originally going to wear my ring on like a necklace, but I'm like, this is too like Frodo, Lord of the Rings. It's gay. I'm like, I earned this shit. I'm going to wear it on my ring. I just moved it over here. So I think people still get it, right? You still get it? Fuck yeah. I like your jacket. Don't interject the audience. Their votes don't matter. Sorry, dude.

He keeps like, what do you think? Like it? Cool. How about you? All right. Sorry, Tony. If you see a bunch of people waiting in an elevator, will you run up and go, I got it? Oh, yeah. That is an amazing. It's almost more pointier than a regular pointer finger. You have no joints fluffing it up or anything. Yeah, this is just the knuckle right there. It's sharp. Has it ever come in handy? No pun intended. No. No.

No. No. Haven't done anything cool with it. But you know one thing I've always wanted to do? No one's ever sucked it before. Well, you're at the right place at the right time. It just so happens I'm into the freakiest shit you've ever heard of in your life. It's already hard, Tony. I love it. It's hard. I love it. Hopefully you meet Paul McCartney. I'm sure he...

Any other special skills or talents? Yeah. I have a couple of notes here. I can lick my... Oh, wow. Yeah, because for this reason. You know the show. Yes. I can lick my own nose. My eyes can shake. I can do that. Yeah, you do the eye-shaking thing? Yeah, I can do that. Yeah, it's a weird thing. Yeah, I can do it. No, you lick your nose. Whoa! Hell yeah. Yeah.

He can eat pussy, ladies. For those of you that absolutely have to get finger blasted with the left hand, know this guy can eat pussy. I always finish what I eat. I'm a gentleman. What is the eye shake? See it? Yeah, it's frightening. It's a frightening thing. I learned it at school, too. It's a weird thing. I got jealous of a kid, and I'm like, I want to fucking do that. And I worked on it until I did it. Sure. Yeah, I know.

Useless talents for sure. The best Shore of 2024 goes to Jim Norton so far. Sure. That's a great look for a date. That's a great look. 100%. I have this weird ability that it's a stupid superpower, but it's more like a defense mechanism. My body just shuts down if it gets too stressed, and I'll just turn off and I'll just pass out. What are you, a goat?

You guys ever see goats? Yeah, that's me. Whole body just shuts down. Well, John, an amazing performance. Very fun. Great way to start representing the buckets. Can you catch this? Yeah, there he goes. John Condolek, ladies and gentlemen, getting the buckets started tonight. How fun. Mix the noise for John, everybody. Well...

You know, anything can happen here at the Comedy Mothership. And I think that we have a very, very special treat right now. Ladies and gentlemen, I think I get to bring up two of my favorite humans on planet Earth joining us. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Tucker Carlson and Joe Rogan! I need two chairs, eight

Tucker had no idea this was going on until 30 seconds ago. I love it. He had no idea he was going on stage. He's just finding out right now. We were literally at dinner and he's like, I want to show you my new place. We're standing backstage and I didn't know I was coming out until I heard my name.

We call that the old Post Malone right there. We've done this before. We did the Post Malone, the same thing. Tucker, welcome to the show. Let's go front. Let's go front. Okay. Luckily, I'm sober. Here, this one's for you. Put that one back in the stand. Cool. I love it. Are all three of these working? Maybe you should take this one and I'll take that one.

We're going to get them pumping here. We're going to get them working. Tucker, welcome to the show. Well, thank you for having me. This is an amazing, amazing... By the way, that laugh is real. He does it all the time. We're going to have fun tonight. I'm going to grab a zen, if you don't mind. Yeah! Hell yeah!

We love it. Scoot on down, guys, all the way as far as you possibly can so we can get some of these fucking poor souls up here. Hi, Jim. Hey, buddy. Tucker, you know how the show works? There's stand-up comedians over 230 signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight. I'm an unemployed talk show host, not a stand-up comedian. So, no, I have no idea how this works. Well, we're going to watch them. And I have a sense it won't go well. No, it's going to be great.

but we're going to watch them, and then afterwards we give a little bit of input. It's a little free speech version of America's Got Talent, but it's just dirty stand-up comedy. I can do that. Hell yeah. Tucker Carlson, everybody. Ha ha ha!

Joe Rogan and Jim Norton. This is Kill Tony. We're going to watch 60 seconds uninterrupted. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Lino Rodriguez. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Lino Rodriguez. And here we go. Here's Lino, everybody. Hi, my name is Lino Rodriguez and I'm an ass man. Yes.

Not because of the shape, but because of the smell. You know what I mean? I'm more of an aroma guy. I have a dimple. I think that's pretty cool. I think dimples are the only physical deformity that will get you laid. You know? No one ever looked at my club feet and was like, "Yo, nine-iron, come get some of this pussy." I like to look at a woman with scoliosis and be like, "Hey, little cinnamon twist."

Let me break that back some more. You know. Okay. Oh man, this is nice. Thank you, that's good. Hell yeah, Lino Rodriguez with his Kill Tony debut. What happened there at the end, Lino? I got excited. It was fun, it was a fun experience.

And I forgot what the fuck I was gonna say. That's really the answer I was looking for there. You got excited. You're confident in your dimple. I like that. I respect that. Thank you. Yeah, I made it myself. I appreciate it. Yeah, you look good. Yes, thank you. You look good. Thank you. Oh, wow. There's love on this stage tonight. Lino, how old are you? I'm 27. 27. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like two and a half, three years now. Okay, where at?

I'm originally from Mississippi, big M's, what's up? Wow, the last comedian couldn't do that. He only had one finger. The good one? Yeah, it was, but it was cut in half. Nice.

Okay, so Lino, you're from Mississippi, and then what? You were getting somewhere with that. I lived in New Orleans for a bit, you know, had some fun, got a little drunk, had a good life there. Yeah? And how long were you there for? About a year and a half. About a year and a half. Yeah. What do you do for work, Lino? I'm a security guard down at the Vulcan.

Oh, wow. Yes, your ex-wife. Okay, yeah. I'm a hulking my ex-wife because I used to do shows there a lot. Yes. That's what you mean by that. Yeah, yes. I think you forgot what you were going to say again there, Lena. Do you really have a club foot? I do. I was born with two club feet. Oh, that's awesome. Thank you. My goodness. This is quite the fucking carnival of a show I have here tonight.

The deformities are growing with each bucket pool. My goodness, the hands and feet on these people are absolutely disgusting. Good night for cripples. So you work in security. Yes, sir. You're 27 years old. What do you do for fun? Golf. I'm a killer mini golf player, yes.

I like to play music. I like to hang out on rides. What kind of music do you play? Alternative music, like rockish type things. What do you do? You sing? You play guitar? What do you do? I sing and play guitar. Really? Yeah, yeah, I do. Really? Why do you say yeah like that, Michael? You want to hear him play? Do you guys want to hear him play a song? Matt, are you going to let this guy borrow your guitar?

Matt likes to play hard to get. You think you could play Matt's guitar? Sure, if you let me. I'll try, yeah. You put the mic in the mic stand there. We're going to wrap this guitar around your fucking goddamn big-ass shoulders. No, D, relax. D's out of control. He thinks you're gay. D is homophobic. You relax, D. You relax. Okay. D Madness was drinking Crown and Coke during the sound check at 6.15. Not that man, though. He

He's out of control. Okay, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. For those of you that like Julio Iglesias blow-up dolls, this is it. You've heard of Green Day, this is Brown Day. Ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony music debut, this is Lino Rodriguez. Lino, do you want a pic, dude? No, it's okay. Okay. Thank you. Fuck.

It came out the strap. All right, all right, here, here, wait, wait, wait. We're getting somewhere. All right, fuck it.

All right. Is this how far does a quarter go? This night I had a dream that...

♪ You were with me ♪ ♪ When I woke up you were nowhere to be seen ♪

♪ Why does my mind like to fuck with me ♪ ♪ You're the psychedelic princess of my dreams ♪ ♪ Blue eyes, yellow dress ♪ ♪ Those looks were made to impress ♪ ♪ You're so beautiful ♪ ♪ It's true ♪ - All right, all right. - Yes, it was. - That's enough.

That's enough. You do music like you do comedy. Similar vibe.

That was. Are you heavily influenced by Sublime? Yes. Yes, I was. Yes, yes. Yeah. And Green Day and all those good people. Okay. What's the name of the song? Daydreams. Oh. Yeah, man. Did you write it? Yes. You do a lot of like, you're more like reggae style? No, that's just the one my mind came up with in the moment because I'm in front of this beautiful audience. Woo!

Yeah, and I couldn't really think of anything again. Who was that written about?

This woman I met while I was doing psychedelics in Washington. Oh, great. State or D.C.? Yeah. Which one? State or D.C.? Spokane. Spokane, Washington. Oh, hell yes. You guys were on meth. Yeah. That was Daniel Jars. We were candy flipping a bit. Not letting the cops in. Fuck no. No, no. It was a good time. Yeah. Another fun fact about me is my dad was murdered.

Oh, tell us more about this. What a way to bring that up. We're getting to the nitty gritty, baby. Imagine being on a date with this guy. Tell us more. This sounds great. We love this here on this show. Oh, yeah, man. My dad was murdered. He didn't really die in a cool way or anything, like getting hit by a car or dying in a submarine looking for the Titanic. That's a long setup. Yeah, I'm sure. You don't need to play great gay music, guys.

Yeah. So how was he murdered? I'll tell you, Sony. These setups are tremendous. He got hit in the face with a baseball bat. It's a long adventure, just like your grandparents took to get here. Okie dokie. It's an illegal immigration joke. Not that big of a deal. How was he murdered? He got hit in the face with a baseball bat. Whoa! Whoa!

We have a sound effect for that. We've been waiting. There it is. Oh my goodness. So he never came back home run after that? No. Wow. Oh my goodness. What was the reason? What did he do? He was a whore. He was fucking around with somebody's wife, I think. Oh, so the guy caught him hitting a bat.

Wow. Yeah, they were really good at that. Absolutely. They did a great job on defense. He died doing what he loved. Yeah. Unbelievable. How old were you when that happened? I wasn't born yet. I was still in the womb. Oh, my goodness. And he was fucking somebody else while your mom was pregnant? Bingo, yeah. Your dad rules. Yeah, he was pretty sick. I haven't...

I have a sister that's three months older than me. Yeah, he got around. He had a good time in the '90s. - Wow, okay. - Incredible. - I guess Puerto Ricans don't like contraceptives. I don't know. - Yeah, you're correct about that.

Okie dokie. Oh, man, this is awesome. Okay. Yeah, absolutely. Well, the good news is that your dad is watching right now. He's looking up at you thinking, wow, I'm proud of my boy. Yes, the sweet sound, symphony sounds of hell, everybody. Leaving a bunch of unborn children with you. Technically, he overdosed on crack.

- This is a bat. Okie dokie. - So he never got to call you little slugger, huh? - Oh no. - Did the guy that hit him start rounding the bases at least? - Okay, all right, this is out of control. - Is it crazy your dad got hit with a bat and you have club feet? - Yeah, you're more of a soccer guy I guess, huh?

Oh my goodness. Well, Lino, very good interview. I love your honesty. There's a little joke book. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Welcome to Kiltoni. There he goes. Yeah. You know what? We're going to get one

- Golden ticket winners up here. This guy's been saving up for a while to do a new minute in front of you. This is one of the longest standing golden ticket winners. Won it in Houston about a half a decade ago. We've watched him grow up in front of our eyes. Make some noise for the great, brand new minute from Enrique Chacon, everybody. A new minute from Enrique. - Damn, now I gotta catch my breath.

Anyways, man, I got an aggressive dog at home. I got this motherfucker during COVID, so I didn't have a chance to socialize him. And now he wants to kill everybody, bro. And it's an issue. He tried to bite my brother the other day, and I'm defending him against my family 'cause he's my fucking fur baby, right? But as I'm defending him, I'm realizing that I started sounding like a school shooter's mom, y'all. I'm sorry he hurt those people. You just got to get to know him. He's a good boy.

I think it's fucked up that my dog has insurance and I don't. Look how much I'm sweating. Look at me. I need all the insurance I can get. He has Allstate just in case he kills somebody. That's a grown Latino man. All I have for insurance is a Virgin Mary candle to vapor of. Boom. That is the return of a golden ticket winner. The caliber.

of difference between a regular bucket pool and one of the legends of Kill Tony, Enrique Chacon. Coming in, flexing a new minute, ending with a big applause break. Fantastic stuff. Remind us all, how long you been doing stand-up? It's been about five years now, man. I've been doing stand-up. Yeah.

You were instantly likable and loved on this show. You were famously the West Hollywood bear in the two arena episodes. Fuck yeah. Crowd went wild for you. It was fucking insane, man. We'll do it all over again. Hell yeah. Definitely will. So what is the deal? Is this true? You have a crazy dog, Enrique? I have a crazy fucking dog at home. He's like a pit bull boxer mix, bro. But honestly, he's just a serial killer, bro.

I don't know how to handle this motherfucker. He's nice to me and my girl, but, dude, he killed my fucking-- my favorite chicken today, bro. - He killed a chicken? - I swear to God, man. I had a Andrea Yates moment. Like, bro, I was ready to drown this motherfucker, dog. - Oh, no. - Like, I was like, "Yo, it's time for a bubble bath up in this bitch, you know?"

Like, man, this is like my best chicken, my fattest chicken producing the best eggs, you know? Because I live in a fucking ranch, right? But man, I don't know what to do, Tony. Wow, just killed a chicken. A whole waste of a chicken. Right now, somewhere, David Lucas is crying. It's fucked up, bro. It's fucked up. It is crazy. Like, instinctually, it killed the chicken, broke his neck, but it started eating the chicken asshole first, you know? Like...

That's one fucking dirty dog you got. He's a predator. This sounds like Jim Norton. You trained him well. He's a predator for that sexual predator behavior, you know? Whenever he started eating the chicken's ass first and the chicken didn't go for it and he fucking bit its neck.

I mean, you would know Jim Rohn. I would. I've been on both ends of it. I love it. So you're living out there on a ranch, huh? Living out on a ranch. Looks like you're also living on a thousand island and a fucking creamy Caesar as well. I love it!

- I love it, yes I am. Fuck ranch, it's all about blue cheese, baby. Blue cheese, bro, you got me fucked up, Tony. - Oh no, I can see, the chunky blue cheese too, right? - That's actually the name of my OnlyFans, chunky blue cheese, you know what I'm saying? Like and subscribe, bro, I recently quit my job at Bucky, so I'm over here trying to hustle up, man. I had to, bro, I had to, man. I was wearing that Bieber suit and I kept...

I kept getting molested by grown men, dude. I don't know how to say it. I kept getting molested, bro. I was wearing that beaver suit and they would whisper in my ear, "I wonder if you're a man or a woman," you know? - Ah, story of my life. - I'm glad you can relate, Jim. I really am glad you can relate, man, but because of my body type, they couldn't tell, you know? - Absolutely incredible.

Enrique has the only, only fans that he gets paid in actual fans. He's always overheating, absolutely sweating. How old are you again, Enrique? You are one of the unhealthiest young boys that's ever been on this show before. I'm 26 right now. 26? Yeah, 26. Have you ever talked to a heart doctor about your profuse sweating? So I recently got rid of my prehypertension, you know? I just started going on a few walks, and I recently started doing jujitsu. Hey, fuck you! No.

Fuck you, bro. I recently started taking jujitsu classes. I got beat by, like, this 16-year-old country boy, bro. He beat the fuck out of me, man.

By the way, for those of you just listening to the podcast or watching, I guess there's no way for you to know, but it is truly 66.6 degrees in this room right now. On this stage, we keep a thermometer here. Breaking news, yes. Breaking news. 66.6 degrees. Oh, it's 0.7 now. The laughs bring up the temperature. So you must sweat like this absolutely all the time, right?

You know, yeah, fuck it. Yeah, all the fucking time. Do you do any cardio at all? Other than jujitsu or whatever the fuck you do? Jujitsu? You motherfucker. I mean, jujitsu, that's probably the only way I could get that motherfucker off of me, bro. I mean, he had me on side control. You know, I'm not familiar like Joe, bro. I don't know the positions, but I just call it the dying fetus position, bro. I was just on the side.

He had me on his seatbelt, bro. He was fucking me up, dude. Wow. Wow. Do they have... What color belt are you in? Does it actually fit around your waist? Yeah. Do you have to get a jujitsu belt extender?

I'm a half white belt, half yellow. My gi is full of mustard stains and cum stains. Absolutely. Absolutely. A lot of mayo. You're fucking killing it, dude. This is a real, real sign of greatness. What else is going on? What's the coolest thing happening in your career right now before I let you go? Anything else? The coolest thing that happened in my career, man. So I'm focused now on full-time comedy since I quit Bucky's, bro. I'm not going to lie. Thank you.

Thank you, dawg. I appreciate that. Looking for road gigs. I'm looking to hit the road hard, right? So I ran out of PTO at Bucky's, and that's also what was fucking me up, man, 'cause they wanted me to be the Bieber for, like, all night. I'm like, "Bro, fuck, dude. That's too much, man." Was it hard for you to hang up the Bucky helmet? It was hard, bro, but I think it was the right decision, you know? -Yeah. -Yeah. Got to do it. It was the right decision. But that was the only sauna therapy I was getting at the moment.

Tucker, what did you think about Enrique Chacon? You watch a lot of stand-up. You a fan of stand-up? I love this man. Yeah. Oh, thank you, Tucker. Maybe in return, you can get me a green card, you know? I'll do it in this country, but outside the country, I'm gonna have to hit on my man Tucker, you know what I mean? You're already taking jobs Americans can't do.

Oh, shit.

That's so awesome, dude. You're welcome to tug on it. Oh, shit. That's so good, dog. That's so good. He must have that weave in Houston. That's fucking fun. Well, it's time for you to weave, Enrique. We love you. There he goes. The great Enrique Chacon, everybody. And back to the bucket list.

Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. This is where we find all of our regulars. This is where we find completely insane people. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Mark Wellborn, everybody. Mark Wellborn is next on Kill Tony, the land of opportunity. Here he is. Mark Wellborn. So my dad told me a story recently, unlike that other bucket pool story.

Yeah, so he told me that when I was a baby, he tried to mansplain breastfeeding to my mom. And since my dad grew up on a dairy farm and he helped baby calves latch to their mother's udders, he decided to give her a few pointers. And he told me that the trick is you have to rapidly smack the udder, in this case the breast, and that'll get the milk to start to flow. And then my dad goes, yeah, and she didn't care for it.

Oh, what, she didn't care for getting her boobs smacked around while she was trying to breastfeed? Or the fact you compared her to a cow, which anyone else here play slap the bag with their mother's tick growing up? 'Cause apparently we were. My dad would slap, I would drink, and my mom would file for divorce. - Okay, Mark Wellborn. Fun stuff. I've always wondered what 60 Seconds would be like, performed by Anthony Juselnik's sperm.

How old are you? I am 26 years old. Okay, how long you been doing stand-up? After tonight, it'll be three years and nine months. Wow, very, very, you're keeping a close track on that. Yes, I checked today. Okay. You had a tough spot. The guy in front of you had a really funny interaction with Tucker. He killed him. You came right out, and you went after the other kid's father, which I thought was great.

It was very funny. It was a good instinct, and it was the best laugh you got. That was a great, alive moment. It really was. It was. I noticed that, too. You were a little bit more comfortable thinking off the top of your head than with what you planned to go with. You kind of stiffened up a little bit. Does that happen a lot? Do you get loose during your sets? What goes on here? Yeah, sometimes, I guess. I guess it didn't happen tonight. I don't know.

- That feel really stiff? Do I still feel stiff? - Yeah. - No, no, very comfortable. Very relaxed. - All right. - Do I look fucking stiff to you? - I've seen more relaxed people talking to Chris Hansen. - I love it. Mark 26, what do you do for work? - I'm an engineer. - What are you engineering? - Why'd you laugh? - I chuckled. What the hell?

Oh, because I already knew that. Oh, okay. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. This is amazing. I love this. This is the best Republican National Convention I've ever been to. My entire... I love it. Okay, so what kind of engineer are you? Civil. I'm trying to build back better. Of course. Absolutely.

- Absolutely, hopefully your structures are as stiff as you are. What do you like to do for fun? How does a guy like Mark Wellborn get loose? - This may actually shock everyone here, but I golf. - Tucker with another "I knew that." - I got a guy whose feet you can use. - Oh my God.

And I know another guy that can point exactly where to hit it. Except you'll have to yell three. Holy shit. So, oh boy, so much fun.

So, Mark, other than golf, what's a wild thing about Mark Welborn? Because you have this image. We all have only known you for four minutes and 15 seconds, and we think you're kind of like a, you know what I mean? What's a wild side? What's the wild side of Mark Welborn? I don't know what you mean. Yeah. Yeah, he's kind of stiff. He's kind of proper. He's prim. I mean, even Tucker here busts out a zen every once in a while. You know what I'm saying? What's the wild side of Mark Welborn? Yeah.

Um, I don't, ah, God, I don't know if I can say it here with the civil engineer. I like to get really drunk. Yeah, I... What are we talking about, a couple Zimas? No, well... No, I've actually been sober since Valentine's Day, which also was Ash Wednesday, and I gave it up for Lent. Nice. You look like a Capitol Hill page who has anal in the Senate. Ha!

He does look like that. You look like that. You could have been the top or the bottom in this analogy as well. So what happened on Valentine's Day to make you quit drinking, or was it a planned thing? It was... No, it's typically, I'm a pretty good Catholic. I give something up each year, and I used to, like,

do sweets. I'm like, I'm giving up sweets for Lent. But like I never ate that much sweet, so I was kind of cheating God. Right. And then I got more into it and I decided I was going to... Did God ever come to you and say you were cheating? Yeah. Yeah.

Mark, I know you don't even like candy that much. I want you to give up gay porn one of these years. Really show me you love me, Mark. Show me your faith. Show me, Mark.

Show me. These Rishi cops are not handling it, Mark. Okay, so you were cheating with God, and then what happened? And then I did give up porn a couple years, but I couldn't tell my grandmother that, you know, because she would always... Because she was starring in it. Bum, bum, bum.

Why couldn't you tell your grandma? I couldn't. I'm not going to tell my grandma that I gave up porn. So what would you tell your grandma? I'd tell her sweets again. Right. Meanwhile, God's like, you're lying. You're lying to your grandmother. I don't know how God works. God's just Darth Vader to me. If you can't tell, that's how I think. I went to a Catholic school, so I'm like, you know, not with it.

His father, Emperor Palpatine, I think started the universe or something like that. All right. So, Mark, before I let you go, you're a good Catholic, you say. You hook up with a lot of chicks. What's your story with women? No, I haven't dated since 2016, but I actually just started dating a girl within the past month. Okay. All right. Very nice. Is she also a sex robot?

I fucked that one up. See, my little... No, I'm not gonna say it. I'm a little stiff. Yeah. Where'd you meet her? Where'd you meet this gal? Yeah. Uh, dating app. Oh, okay. Christian dating app? No, no. That's a weird spot. I went to Catholic Match before it was not... What happened on Catholic Match? Tell us. Just, like, a lot of widows. I couldn't even... Yeah. A lot of weirdos. Yeah.

Yeah, like you? No, no. Widows. Oh, I see you said weirdos. Oh my God. You didn't want any of the widows? Some of that good old... They're not good at responding. They're not great. Neither are their husbands. Oh.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. My goodness. All right. Well, Mark, very, very fun. Congratulations. Here's a little Kill Tony joke book. Boom. There goes Mark Wellborn, everybody. Well, no, let's do one more and then him and see what happens here. Makes noise for your next bucket poll. It is Audrey Michelle, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Audrey Michelle.

Recently I've been congregating with a lot of women trying to figure out how they start masturbating for the first time. See, with men and women it's a lot different. Dudes usually start masturbating for the first time with other dudes. You know, they find a porno mag, like, "Hey bro, just found this mag. You wanna go check it out?" Just 12-year-old Timmy jerking off with his best friend for the first time, staring him in the eyes. With women, they start with the corner of the washer, maybe humping a pillow. Not me.

I went straight to the electric toothbrush. When you start masturbating with an electric toothbrush, you never step away. Now my clit is calloused. I need a fucking bear trap on my ankle and a noose around my neck to bust a nut anymore. I need to pay the Chinese chiropractor in the mall 100 bucks to just start punching my clit. - Hell yeah. Audrey Michelle, welcome to the show. This is your first time here. - Yeah.

- Welcome. It's a fun set. - I have so many questions. - Let's start with how most men start out masturbating. - That's bullshit, by the way. - And where are you getting this information? - It's total bullshit. - They're mad 'cause I'm telling all their fucking secrets. - I'll have it be known I also started masturbating with an electric toothbrush. - Yes. - So I'm not one of these normal guys. - And I masturbated recently with a boy named Timmy.

Did your electric toothbrush also have a My Little Pony character on it? Oh, that's scary. Horrible. That's scary. So welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up, Audrey? Seriously, about two months. Not so seriously, maybe about five months in total. Wow, incredible. Probably the best bucket pool so far of the night. Came out with a lot of, it seems like you have stage presence. What have you done before that made you so comfortable on this stage? I know you're not a stripper. Can you imagine?

All right, fellow librarians, get ready. Here she comes. Welcome to the East Side Strip Club. Dewey Desmo coming to the main stage. Get those pennies rolling. We're going to soften you up.

Who's ready to go limp out there? Who's got their toothbrush charged? Get that jab ready. She'll show her clit. She might give you some oral B. Toothbrush jokes, everybody. Toothbrush jokes. You gotta keep up. Here she comes. Where'd you get that fucking shirt?

That is incredible. Can I give him a shout out? Yeah, yeah. It's TechDaddyTolu on Instagram. He makes these shirts. He's been making them for a while now. Okay. Yeah. All right. There you go. TechDaddyAlpha, my bad. Okay. All right. Now that you said alpha, Rogan's a fan. Yeah.

I just want to say I promised somebody else, can I do one more? Do one more what? Shout out. No, come on. What is this? It's Michael White. What is that? He wanted me to talk about the date we went on in Eureka. You went on a date with the rapper Michael White who makes spaghetti? I ordered the cheapest thing off the menu so I didn't have to put out. Okay. Wow. Stuck to water and everything. All right. What was that, the cheapest thing on the menu? It was a $10 bowl of truffle fries.

Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible. The level of cuisine that you have. So you guys didn't do anything afterwards? You didn't go to your place and ask to use your toothbrush or anything like that? I've upgraded to the Hitachi wand since then. Okay, congratulations. Awesome. Absolutely. You used that to brush your teeth? The what? Yeah. You just brushed that off, the Hitachi wand. Everybody's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, everybody uses that.

What is that? It's the, you've probably seen it. It was like the first body massager. Yep. It's the big like blue and white one with a huge white ball on the top. His eyes just got so wide. And you plug it into the wall. Yeah. And there's been videos of it exploding in women's vaginas. So I choose the one that plugs into the wall because it's stronger. Hold on right now. What? Yeah.

It's like the most powerful industrial vibrator ever. It's like this big. You plug it in the wall and there's videos of it like sparking. Yeah. It's cool. How come you never sent me those videos? You send me so many videos. That's like a handheld Sibian, basically. Dude, it's like 120 grit sandpaper down there. I need something. Yeah. You're the strongest thing on the market, dude. You got to go out and steal a jackhammer. Yeah. That's what the Chinese man's doing on my clit.

Yeah. Oh my goodness. Audrey, what do you do for a living? What coffee shop do you work at exactly? I actually just quit my job slinging za at Rapalos. Slinging what? Slinging za at Rapalos. What is that? Pizza. Yeah. Oh, okay. Za. Wow. How old are you again, Audrey? I'm about to ruin my life right now. I'm 20.

Oh, you're 20. Very young. Interesting. How is that ruining your life by telling your age? Because a lot of the places in here have been letting me in. When do you turn 21? In February. Well, that gives you a lot of months to let the old clit take a rest. Maybe shed some of that snake skin and let it come back to...

This sucks, man. You have to be 21 to do mics around here. I hit like three a night. And after this episode comes out, I'm not getting in any of them anymore. Oh, my God. Incredible. You laugh like there's a Hitachi in your pants right now. What do you got, Red Band? You don't have a sound effect for that? Yeah, no. There's nothing for that. There's a goat? You have a goat? Yeah.

Audrey, congratulations. Your Kill Tony debut, Fun Times. There she goes, everybody. The Kill Tony debut of Audrey Michelle, everyone.

Gonna keep it moving forward here. We got another regular. Here he is, the force of nature, everybody, with a brand-new minute. Not easy to do at all, and he does it every fucking week. It's your--one of your favorite comedians in the world, Cam Patterson, everybody. That last bitch was a slut. All right, all right. I seen somebody--just look at this. Look at this real quick.

I seen somebody die a couple days ago on a bird scooter. And, uh... it fucked me up, dawg. You feel what I'm saying? 'Cause my first thought was, if that scooter not broken, they not throwing that bitch away. You feel what I'm saying? My other thought was, I wanted to take the scooter 'cause I had somewhere to go. He was still logged in on it. He ain't need it. He was dead as shit. And I was late for a show I had to be at. You feel what I'm saying?

And it's weird, 'cause he died in front of, like, a comedian. I'm a fucked-up person. I don't think good thoughts, you feel what I'm saying? Like, if he died in front of you, good sir, you'd have been like, "Oh, my gosh. Somebody just died in my face. That's so fucking sad." My first thought, "Well, you died on the scooter, nigga. That's gay. That's just... That's the gayest way to go." Imagine you went to your homeboy, you with all your dawgs, and somebody comes up to you, "I can tell you how you finna die." And there's three of them, right? He go, "You gonna die at 9:00 this evening with your whole family around." And he go, the other guy, he go, "You gonna die at 7:00 by yourself 'cause you a bitch," right?

And he get to the last guy, he said, "You gonna die at 32 on a scooter." Well, I'll take that. I be-- - That's fun. That's how you do it, man. - What's up, folks? - Yeah. Let's go. Cam Patterson and Tucker Carlson high-fiving. - Yeah, this is crazy. My grandma hates you, nigga. - She doesn't mean it. - Yeah, the folks, she does.

She can't stand your ass, dog. She can't stand you. Dude, this is great. Hell yeah. This is great. She gonna love this shit, man. Hell yeah. This is beautiful, man. Hell yeah. When I see y'all, they gonna mock grandma up right now, nigga. I'm gonna talk to his ass. Yeah, that's dope, man. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. That is too fucking funny. Unbelievable. I don't even know where to begin with that.

What else we gonna talk about, baby? Unbelievable. So is this your guys' first time seeing Cam? No, I've seen him a couple times. Yeah, very, very amazing. Always consistent. I love this bird scooter thing. This happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He died in front of Creek in the Cave. Oh, my goodness. Wow, normally the people die on stage there, not right out front. That's incredible. Yeah, it was crazy, bro. Wow. I'm traumatized.

- So, what was it, did he get hit by a car? - He got hit by a car at a crosswalk when he flew to the creek. Nigga, that's how hard he got hit. - Damn, that's at least 30 feet or so. - He got fucked up, dog.

The car was going like 100 miles an hour when he hit him. But let's think about it, though. He was like a kid turning for him. He'd be like, damn, at least he talk about me. You feel what I'm saying? Yeah, that's true. That'd be cool. That's true. Did you get a look at him? What did he look like? He was black. He was black? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. His other homeboy lost a foot. His other homeboy lost a foot? Somebody else got healed white. And he lost a foot. His homeboy was on a scooter, too? They both was on a scooter. And one lost a foot. Yeah, they were bowling. They hit a stripe, boy. Yeah.

Oh my God. This is the kind of bowling that Tucker absolutely loves. One of them was white, one of them was white. Okay. Can's out here going viral again. Oh my God. So the one, the one, good Jim, go ahead. Who is the white guy? I'm hoping it's one in the car.

- Oh my God. - Tucker, it wasn't. He got hit, his foot, the goal. - His foot, the goal, and his heel. - Well, that would make him the fourth most deformed person on this show tonight. That's incredible.

Wow. So was the black guy alive at all or was he instantly dead? So I got that kind of after, but he was on the ground and you could see him through the door. And what I heard was they put him in the ambulance and he just died, so they put him back on the ground. Which is kind of...

It was kind of fucked up when you think about it. You know what I mean? But yeah, so he was just gone. He was like right there. So he was inside of the ambulance. He died and they put him... I'm pretty sure he just died on the street. And they're like, they're just putting him back to the tort. You know what I'm saying? The coroner didn't get him. Oh my God. Yeah, it's pretty fucked up. Yeah, that is fucked up. Yeah. They definitely don't do that with white people. There's no way. There's no chance.

they would have to take them in the ambulance. There's no, we're going to put this back where we found it with... That pretty fucked up, no? It is fucked up. I don't make the rules. I'm just an observer of society. Cam, what else is going on in your world? Anything else? My dad asked me that day. He was like, how do OnlyFans work? So we finna go broke. That's what's going to happen. Yeah, he...

My dad's 64 years old. He asked how OnlyFans work. He finna lose a lot of money, dawg. He was like, "So how you find out about the girl?" So I showed him Twitter, and he was like, "Oh, this is gonna be great. He gonna send a lot of money to OnlyFans. It's gonna be funny." - Oh, yeah. 64-year-olds finding out about OnlyFans is the new, like, giving away their credit card information. - It's over, dawg. - Oh, yeah. - It's over. And it's gonna be hard, 'cause some of the OnlyFans girls got hard names to spell. - Oh, yeah. - And my dad can't spell for shit. - No, he cannot spell... - It's gonna be tough.

- Stop listening to what I'm saying right now. I'm not making us look great right now. My daddy's a great speller. He spell...

Amazing. Cam, so much goddamn fun. You're a fucking phenom every single week. Unbelievable minute. Unbelievable interview. The future has arrived. And his name is Cam Patterson. Fuck yeah. All right, we're having fun. You guys have...

Make some noise for your next bucket poll. 60 seconds from Tina Yukana, everybody. Tina Yukana. Hell yeah. Hi, I'm Tina. I'm from Chicago. And, you know, I love coming to Texas, though. Like, this is one of my favorite places to visit. Like, oh, my God. Texans know how to fucking party, okay? Like, me and my girl, we go to this honky-tonk the other day. These two cowboys come up to us, and they're just like...

"Y'all ladies like guns?" And I'm like, "Fuck yeah, I'm Middle Eastern. I love war." And they're like, "Y'all want to go shooting sometime?" And I'm like, "Let's go, y'all!" "Let's go in the alley right now and shoot beer cans." And they're like, "Wait a second, wait a second. We can't just go shooting anywhere now. Cops are going to stop us." And I was like, "I'm sorry. Well, I did see an elementary school down the street. The cops will never stop us there."

Was that too dark? Okay, Tina. Yukana. All right. Am I saying that right? Yukana? Yeah, hi. Okay. I love that. That's your real last name? What is that? What's Yukana? I'm Assyrian. Okay. Yeah. Okay. What else are you? I can't tell, but Jim Norton's heart is a rock. That's all I'm going off of.

I'm just using my special Jim Norton compass to figure out what's going on here. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I am getting really sick and tired of getting discriminated against for being transgender because-- especially since I'm not transgender. Whoa, double twist. This is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. We're all a bunch of assholes for even assuming.

Chokes on us. I'm about to ask for my money back. I'm sorry to disappoint you, Jim. No, it's okay. All kidding aside, what is the name of your blog?

Unfortunately, I don't have one, but... Incredible. What do you do for work, Tina? Well, you know, I've been doing stand-up now for a little bit, and I started running some shows in Chicago. I run an all-dark comedy show at Reggie's Rock Club called Ha Ha to Hell. There you go. Yeah. I don't know if you remember me. I've been on the show before. Yeah. I remember. How are you? Absolutely great. This is a new episode. Yeah. Hell yeah. So Chicago, famous for their sausage. Ha ha ha!

But it turns out they're also famous for their deep dish, everybody. So you never know what you're gonna get with Tina here. She's laughing. Okay. How long you been doing standup? - Five years now. - Five years. What do you do for fun? You seem like you do have a lot of hobbies. If you were to have a blog, what would it be about?

Well, I like, I love music, you know, love, you know, like punk, metal, that kind of stuff. You know, I like going to shows. I cook. I do. I used to run a restaurant. So I used to be a chef. Oh, wow. Okay.

Can I ask what the tattoos are on your hand? The numbers? So, yeah, the finger tattoos, it's my mom's birthday. It's Halloween. And then this is my birthday, St. Patrick's Day, which was yesterday. Wow. But, yeah, just a knife because I used to be a chef. Right on the wrist. Good place for it.

Interesting stuff, Tina. Tell us more. What else about you? What kind of guys are you into? Boys?

I like everybody. I guess I could say I'm pansexual, which means... Like frying pan? Well, I used to be a chef. If you don't know what pansexual means, it means you're a horny asshole when anything goes. Wow, interesting. What's the biggest, wildest thing you ever did that you kind of regretted the next morning sexually? Well, I was going to say being on Kill Tony. No.

No, I'm kidding. I love this. I'm kidding. No. I think you have bigger regrets than that. No. No, last time I was here, I said some nasty things, and I'm trying to keep it clean, but no, yeah, I shouldn't. Yeah, listen to that one creep in the darkness. I know, right? Yeah. The only guy here with a deeper voice than you, Tina. Yeah.

- How do you think my voice got this deep, Tony? - Oh shit, let me guess, a toothbrush? - Well. - I love it. So, Wildest Night, no we're not gonna get that. You got anything for us? - What was that, I'm sorry? Wildest Night, I mean-- - You said you're into anything, so I'm like wondering. Looks like you hooked up with the refrigerator a couple times. - Okay, okay, I'll give you something, I'll give you something.

The first time I went to Nashville, the first night we were there, we had a threesome. So me and my girl. Yeah, it was fun. You and your girl had a threesome with a boy? Yes. Okay. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. How did that go? Tell us about having a threesome. We went to an open mic, and you know how comics are. And yeah, we met. Yes, desperate. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't believe I saw that. So, yeah, we went to an open mic, and we both saw, like, a dude that we thought was cute, and then we're like, oh, you should talk to him, you should talk to him. And I'm like, girl, let's just both fuck him. And then she's like, okay. And then, yeah, we did, and it was fucking awesome, honestly. Okay. His dick was humongous. Ah, I thought you looked familiar. Like...

Surprise, surprise, he was a black guy. - Whoa. - Bacon soda! - I love it. - Ah, wow. The last girl was wearing his shirt. - Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Wow.

My goodness. Can I say that I like that she went dark before with the material? Don't let people talk you out of that. Do what you want to do on stage, and if you want to be dark and crazy, do it. I like that you went to that. Thank you. We didn't like it, but I like that you did it, and don't let an audience talk you out of it. Thank you. I appreciate that. It's like a night in Nashville, crazy and dark. Well, I didn't shoot up any schools that time, but there's always next year. Right. That was a different shooter.

Okay. Tina, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go? I mean, just, yeah, I like having fun. I like having a good time. I love Texas. It really is awesome. Austin is awesome. The comedy here is amazing. Yeah. And, yeah, this is a great opportunity, so thank you. You got it. Tina Yukana, everybody. Did you get a joke book last time you were on? Yeah. You got a big one? No, but people said in the comments I should have. Really? Yeah.

Well, they're probably going to say it again. There goes Tina Yukana, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. We're having fun here tonight. We're flying through it. Coming around that mountain. Another 60 seconds uninterrupted coming at you from another bucket pool. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Tyler Gallant, everybody. Tyler Gallant. Here comes Tyler. How we doing? You guys like that TikTok band?

I don't really care about TikTok. I think it's messing up the new generation. Got all these kids that are getting famous from doing these little dances. The ones I really don't like are getting famous from lip syncing. You seen that? Sometimes you'll see white people on there. They'll be lip syncing songs with the N-word in it. Like, that's not good. Is he about to ruin his life on my For You page? Is that what's happening? They don't mouth the N-word, though. They do the shush face. Whenever the N-word comes on, they do the shush face. That's confusing, right?

'Cause don't we just have a whole generation that associates the N-word with the shush? That's not good. You just got all these middle schoolers and high schoolers, they're just in school talking to each other, like, do you guys ever notice the librarian's kind of a racist bitch? I went to go check out a book, she called me the N-word like 42 times. Asked where the history section was, she went, "Please." I'm Tyler Gellant, thank you, guys. - Tyler Gellant? - Yeah.

Hell yeah, a lot of set up there, but a big payoff in the end. I had no idea where you were going with that. You got me. Thank you. Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two years now. Where at? I came from Knoxville. I just moved here about six weeks ago. Tennessee? Yeah, yeah.

You ever go to some open mics in Nashville? I did. Yeah? Yeah. You ever pull out your black cock? Not, yeah, not lately. Okay. I love it. Jim, what'd you think about this? I thought the misdirection of not knowing where you're going to go is shush. I was like, wow, this is a great bomb. And you pulled it into a really, really good joke and you tagged it. Very, very good. Thank you. Didn't see where it was going and it was...

Really, you set it up to look like it was about to tank and you pulled it out beautifully. Nice job. It really was. Very good. It was a work of art. You disguised it so well. The only person that saw it coming was D Madness, actually, which is crazy. Tyler, what do you do for work? I do consulting. On what? IT stuff. It's not... Okay.

What do you do for fun? I do comedy. Other than comedy. Hang out with my girlfriend. How long have you been with her? About three years. What does she do? She works with bodies. What does she do with bodies? She's an anthropologist, forensic anthropologist. She helps identify people that did not make it across the border.

So, yeah, it's pretty cool. It's cooler than what I do. So this is like a big booming business time for her. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Wow. Millions of potential clients. Yeah, yeah. It's not going to slow down. Yeah. Right. Very, very busy. Yeah. Okay. And she lives...

in Knoxville with you? She was, yeah. She moved out here before I did. I moved in with her just about six weeks ago. San Marcos. Oh, okay. San Marcos. Lovely. You've been around? You get to see some of it yet? Yeah. Float down the river yet? Yeah. Yeah, it's nice. You love it? Yeah, I do. I do. I love Texas. It is unbelievable here. The river's fucking, I mean, it's just incredible. You know, we had a river in L.A. You remember the L.A. River? That sewage pipe? Yeah.

Homeless bath. It was made of cement. That's what we always thought rivers were. Yeah.

Until we came here. Yeah. Incredible. Can I ask what kind of person she is, a forensic anthropologist? It's such a dark job. Yeah. Like, you know, cops have, like, that gallows humor. Does she have that gallows humor? Yeah, I'm kind of dark, so she, yeah, she keeps up. She likes that shush joke, doesn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah, she does. She hates most of my material, but that one, yeah. So she's smart. Yeah. She...

She's way smarter than me. She's much smarter than me. Yeah. Amazing, Tyler. So fun. What do you...

What do you do other than stand-up comedy? Like any special skills or talents or anything like that? Dude, I'm really good at ping pong. Really? I can't prove that right here, but I'm very good at ping pong. Ping pong and IT consulting. Are you secretly Asian? Yes. That's absolutely unbelievable. Sounds like a girl I met in the Philippines. Yeah. I think ping pong once tried to cancel me for a joke, if I remember correctly. I remember that. I can't remember his name exactly. Yeah.

All right, Tyler, what scares you? What are you afraid of? Ah, man, I don't like, uh... There's cocaine sharks now. I don't like that. Cocaine sharks? Are you talking about... No, no. What do you mean, cocaine sharks? Oh, yeah, they can't swim. Why would they be sharks? That's right. Oh, my God. Whip it! Do it! Gliss!

That one might be edited out. I'm kidding, it won't be. They love it when I leave stuff in that I say is going to be edited out. What do you mean cocaine sharks? People smuggling drugs into the country. If they're about to get caught and they're in the sea, they throw it out and then apparently sharks have been eating it. So that's not cool. Yeah, that's scary. So people... Wait, what? It's a real issue. Traffickers? It's a real thing. Yeah. Sharks are eating cocaine. They are. Yeah.

It's scary. We got to do something about it, all right? They're annoying to hang out with. Wasn't this the fucking-- wasn't this a movie on FX at some point? - It was "Cocaine Bear." - No, that was "Cocaine Bear." That's a true story, too. I thought-- yeah, yeah. I thought this is how Sharknado started or something like that. I'm getting them all confused right now. So the sharks eat cocaine. Does that change their behavior? Do you know about this? No, I don't. I haven't run into one yet. I'm waiting. They swim a lot, and their dicks get smaller? Yeah, yeah.

They can't stop talking. Those straws are being repurposed, is what I'm saying. Well, Tyler, Red Band, what's the longest set you've ever done? I've done 20. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Thank you so much. We're doing a real spot six weeks into his stay here in Texas, and he's already getting booked in the heart of Austin, Texas.

There he goes. Oh, and here, take one of these too. It's a big one. Tyler Gallant. Boom. All right. We're coming around the corner here. We're almost there. Mixed Moisture, your final bucket poll of the night. John Moore, everybody. John Moore, everyone. Thank you. Hey, guys. How's it going? Good crowd. All right. So I was in the Army for a while.

When I was overseas, I served with a Frenchman who stepped on an IED and lost all four of his limbs. I call him Napoleon Blown Apart. It's all right, you can laugh. He's got a good sense of humor about it. The only thing he doesn't like about this joke is being called French, 'cause he's American. He's like, "Don't do that part of the joke anymore. It's very offensive."

He's very successful now. He tours the country. He's a motivational speaker, speaks to large crowds, probably has more stage time than me and the rest of these comics put together, but at least we're all put together. You know what I'm saying? Did you guys know that when a small animal is about to die, it will try to wriggle out of my grasp? Thank you. My name's John. John Moore.

Welcome to the show, John. Thank you, Tony. This is your first time here, correct? This is my second time here. Okay. How long ago were you on? About three years. Joe was on the panel. Okay. Yeah, I bombed. Yeah.

- Yeah. This was better, huh? - Much better. - You've been working hard at it. - Yeah, I did the same joke, as a matter of fact. I just kind of revamped it. - You made it better? - I don't know. Did I make it better? - No one remembers from three years ago. I don't even remember. - It was horrible. It could not have been worse, I'll tell you that. - Was it the blown apart part? - I didn't have any of the tags. I tried to do one, I tried to do that. - Neither did he. Okay, go ahead.

I tried to do that joke, but none of the tags, none of the punch. Right. Yeah. Okay. And you guys, and you really do know a guy in the military who that happened to?

True story, yeah. He's one of Gary Sinise's. He's like, we're Gary Sinise. They've got a whole camp up in Maine. I don't know. Do we have any quadruple amputees in here? Gary Sinise runs a foundation where they take care of people because he was Lieutenant Dan? I don't know if that's the connection, but, yeah, he's involved with, like, Wounded Warrior. Like, I mean, what are the odds of that? That's incredible. Yeah.

I wonder if Tom Hanks does that. We had a guy up here a second ago that loves ping pong. It'd be great if there was... We don't hear, you know. John, so where did you go when you were in the Army? Afghanistan, 07-08. Mm-hmm, yeah. Okay. Did you meet any women over there? Not really.

What do you mean not really? Well, like, you get your hair cut every once in a while. They have Afghani hairstylists out there? What do they do? Just wrap a towel around your head? Most of them are from Kyrgyzstan. And they cut the neck. Hell yeah. What do they do? Just fly the scissors into your hair like that? Okay.

John, very interesting. What do you do for work now? I'm an analyst. What are you analyzing? I'm a data analyst for DHL, actually. Oh, wow. I wore my work shirt. Hell yeah. All right, John. What else are you into? What do you do for fun?

You know, comedy boats. I got a son. Okay, how old's your son? He's seven. Seven. And you're the father? Like, I mean, like, you stay... Biologically, yes. But are you in the kid's life? Oh, yeah, yeah. I have him 50% of the time. He was born premature. Uh-huh. Oh, DHL with another fast delivery.

Wow, came early, but honey, the package I've been waiting for came early. Coincidentally, it's the same way he was conceived, actually, but I'm told there's no connection between those things. Right. You came prematurely, and the baby came prematurely. Are you friends with the ex? Do you get along with the ex? Hell yeah. Holding on to that 50% right now. Holding on strong. We co-parent. Yeah? Yeah. So, you live here?

I live in Dallas. Okay. And the seven-year-old lives in Dallas? Oh, yeah. I took him to Disneyland this week, actually, for spring break. Oh, wow. You told him someplace in Dallas was Disneyland? The State Fair!

Okay, so you went to LA, you went to Disneyland. How did that go? It was great. Yeah? Magical. Have you been to Disneyland before? Yeah, when I was a kid. Okay, what did you notice is different about Disneyland? Well, I just noticed that it's very, like, artificial, right? Like, it's kind of like addiction. Like, you know, you get... Like, they call it magical, but it's really more, like, intoxicating. You know, because you get, like... Yeah, there you go. Turns out you ran out of time there.

Unbelievable, John. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. Don't blow the illusion of Disney. What, Jim? Don't blow the illusion of Disney. Yeah. I mean, what are you going to tell me? They're in costumes? We saw Jack Sparrow, you know? Ah. That's it. Did his ex-wife shit on the bed? No.

I did the last time I was here, but this is... There you go. All right, John. Well, congratulations. How old are you? I'm 40. 40. And how long ago did you start stand-up? Four years. Four years. And how does it feel? Have you been getting a lot of spots in? You working in Dallas? I got some spots, yep. I'm doing some time at Dallas Comedy Club. Hyenas is kind of hit or miss, but yeah, I'm in spots. You're happy you're doing this. It excites you. Yeah, I love it. I came down here to get out of the routine, you know? Yeah. What's the worst set you've ever had in Dallas? How did that go down?

Worst set I've ever had was absolutely the one that I had here the first time. Oh. Well, you know what? We're going to play that. We're going to play that right now. Right now? Right now. Okay, here we go. Right now. And here we go. What is up? I'm actually just looking for the bathroom. Could you guys point me...

I really was gonna go to the bathroom and I'm glad I did not. So I'm here with some friends from Dallas. Gonna talk about my buddy that I was in the army with. This guy is a legend. You guys may have heard of him, I'm not gonna use his name, but he's got a foundation with Gary Sinise. He has earned a lot of money. Great guy and hysterical guy. Only reason I bring him up, one of the funniest guys

I've ever met, right? This guy, when we were in service, huge. 6'7", 260, stepped on an IED and lost all four of his limbs. Yeah, I do not tell jokes about this guy for obvious fucking reasons. I had one serious question about his dick. He got his wife pregnant, so that question has been answered.

And truth be told, like I said, he's very funny. He's got a ton of stage time. More stage time than all of me and the other comics put together. But at least we're all put together. You know what I'm saying? Jesus fucking Christ, John. What the fuck? My God, you just came up and told a story about your funnier friend? Why didn't you let him sign up?

We would have loved to have a fucking funny guy with no limbs up here while you're up here telling these sad stories. You're right, I'm sorry. How many of you think it should have been him that got blown up in the army, huh? Yeah. How about that, John? How about that? Oh, yeah. I deserve that. You knew you had one minute.

I did not. Yeah, it's true. And now we're back. So you guys got to see how bad it was. But we're going to put your set in there just so that people know how terrible it was. It was worse than that, actually. The good news is we only have about a million more listeners than we had three years ago. Yeah, right, right.

It's very exciting. Now everyone's got it now. I'll take it. Wow. I love it. Well, John, congratulations. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. John Moore, ladies and gentlemen. At that time, ladies and gentlemen, there's only one guy with the chops to be able to put a ribbon on this thing. You guys know him. You love him. The freak of nature himself. The Kill Tony Hall of Famer. The record holder for all time stars.

and interviews absolutely killing it headlining all over the country ladies and gentlemen this is indeed the vanilla gorilla the big red machine the Tijuana tarantula the Virginia villager the one and only William Lights Out backstage Tucker actually asked me if I could tell some jokes in Russian uh

But seriously, Tucker, my family has always worshipped you. It's awesome that you came down from heaven to do Killtoad. Winona Judd is here. Winona Judd once performed during the Super Bowl halftime show. Meanwhile, Red Band was a ring girl for BattleBots. Fucking pussy!

Biden recently had his State of the Union address and said better things about Ukraine than the United States, which actually makes sense because the United States doesn't have a video of Hunter Biden fucking a dog. I learned that one from you, Toku. I'm gonna get in a time machine and meet the first alcoholic. At what point were they like, "Somebody take the keys to his horse."

Last week, a Boeing whistleblower was found dead in his car prior to testif- Wait, did he work for Boeing or Hillary Clinton Airlines? Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Amazing. My God, he's done it again. He's done it more than anyone else has ever done it, and yet it continues. The force of nature. Yeah, never fucking stopping! That's right.

We want this to go on forever. It's a match made in heaven. William Montgomery and Kill Tony. What an unstoppable machine we are. Absolutely, like you said, your family, the opposite of Cam Patterson's grandmother. They love Tucker Carlson. How does it feel to be here in front of Tucker, Joe, and Jim? It really is a treat. Tucker, I genuinely have to ask you, did that one guy suck Obama's dick? Did that actually happen?

Holy shit! I have the answer, and let me say I don't judge, but oh yeah. Oh yeah. I've been wondering that, obviously. That's been something that I've been wondering about. He told me off camera I actually did that. I was like, ugh. But he did. He did. Cool, yeah. Not kidding at all. But yeah.

Unbelievable. The question everyone wanted to ask Tucker, and it has been answered here on Kill Tony. The look on Joe Rogan's face says it all. You should have brought him with you. It could have all got blown. Wait, do what? I honestly didn't hear you. Oh, no, I was just talking about the guy. So, William. Ladies and gentlemen, William, what else has been going on this week? Oh!

Oh, man. It has been a lot of the all-brand buds. I got into a new video game called Contra, which has been a bunch of fun. It's been taking up a lot of my time, but I have been literally catching people, Tony. Tucker, I like to look out of my windows of the apartment where I live, and I find people doing wrong stuff out there. And Tony, literally before I got here tonight, there's a homeless guy jumping the fucking...

into the property of the apartments. And Tony, I'm not necessarily proud of this, but I went down there with a big, I recently got some big steel pans, and I swear to God, I went up to this fucking dude, Tony, and I hit him so hard in the fucking head. And he was literally just laying there, and then it's, I gotta get here, so I don't really know what happened. But...

- Wow. - Yeah, Tucker, I have this really weird problem in Spokane. I got two of these homeless people there. They're just, there's too many of them. And I've been-- - How many homeless have you killed? - Great question. - Well, I have been at least, I would say, around 17 different, theoretically. Oh, that was a good one right there. What was that? What was that funny noise? I'm talking about murdering people, you dumbass. What was that?

No, literally, right back at me, what was that? What does that stupid thing say that you're hitting? It was called "com bonk." Yeah, "com capow."

But yeah, no, it's a lot of fun. And then I'm going to Tacoma this weekend, Tony. We'll see how it goes. They're adding a third show on Saturday. Thank you to anybody who's ever bought a ticket to come see me. I greatly appreciate it. But yeah, adding a third show Saturday. So we'll see how it goes, Tony. What else, William? What else? You get very excited here.

William, what else do you want to plug? What else is going on? It was just Sweet Little Gator's birthday last week. Very exciting. We got her a little ice cream cone dog treat and she will not eat it and she starts yapping at me when I get close to it. So now that's a big nightmare. So I've been playing a bunch of video games. Was that funny?

When I'm kind of messing up, I mean, I'm having a pretty good setup here other than that one point. Did you really think that was pretty funny? Huh? What?

I can hear you, dumbass! Holy shit. Okay. William, we have some really good news for you. There is another red machine here that wants to come back out. So why don't you stay up on stage. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Grammy Award winning artist, one of the greatest rock stars of all time. Make some noise for Wynonna Judd, everybody. The real teen number one hit. Grammy Award winning. Look at these two.

Beautiful red machines. Give her the microphone, William. Oh shit, shots are coming out with Wynonna Judd. This is how you know you're dealing with a fucking country music artist. What happened? What did I miss there? - Oh, you're trying to get me to drink alcohol, you stupid bitch! And maybe this would be a good time to show your titties, bitch. - Whoa!

I'm gonna aim for the great Wynonna Judd, everybody. Coming out here, getting us liquored up, being part of the goddamn festivities. I can't drink. I can't drink. I've had cocaine for all this. Woo! Oh, boy. That's a spicy treat. Wynonna, why don't you grab a microphone? Say hello to these people. Say hi to the listeners out here.

You've been having fun? Wynonna, you've been watching the show from up on the balcony. What was the highlight of the show so far for you tonight? All the cussing. Oh, yeah. I never could cuss, ever. My mother said no. So when I hear you cuss, I'm like, wow. Oh, yeah. That is true. I cuss a lot, and we cuss a lot on this show. And Liquid Death, $1.4 billion company selling water. Yep.

What is wrong with this country? Yeah. I love this. Keep going, baby. Keep going. Just let the free flow happen here. Joe, do you know who I am? Okay. Good. Let's talk. Call me. Oh, shit. I love it. Wynonna Judd. Hi, Wynonna. I mean, unbelievable. I think I'm going to do a podcast with Wynonna Judd. You definitely are. We were hanging out before the show. That is indeed one of the baddest bitches I've ever met in my fucking life. She is cool as fuck.

Tony, I heard her just fall back there. No, she didn't. Man, that bitch. Oh, Tony! William, stay up here for one more beat because we have one last special treat here, believe it or not. We have a guy that did a fucking Kill Tony rap on the internet show.

a month or so ago, we found him. He said he's a super fan of the show. I said, why don't you come on out and if you make it here, I'll put you on the list and we'll have you perform this song live with one of the coolest Kill Tony raps I've ever heard in my life, 11 years doing this show. I'd like to present to you the stylings of Asmatic, everybody. Here's Asmatic.

Sometimes we have rappers on this show. This guy actually does it. - You guys hear me? All right, look. Yeah. - It's Denise. - Yeah. - Denise Michael. - Check it. - Yeah.

Yo, yeah, let me tell you about my favorite show it comes on Monday night I don't stay up late so Tuesday morning brings delight. It's kill Tony never seen it then you owe me It's an open mic where a minute feels awfully lonely Yeah, Tony Hinchcliffe is him the Grim Slim Jim every show opens with this guy Hans Kim. I'll admit it He's a hit or miss never quick to dismiss sometimes lacks punchlines keeps a funny premise bitch twitch like a Martin Phillips I don't get it. He's a favorite but will you mind

Montgomery is the illest. Never miss an episode. Ain't never gonna stop. Consume it the way David Lucas drinks pop. That's all day.

What the fuck, Redman?

♪ I don't understand ♪ ♪ I'll chuck screwball to see the best band in the ♪ - Asthmatic, ladies and gentlemen. Follow him on social media. Asthmatic. - Thank you, sir. Thank you, Tony. - Make some noise for the goddamn GOAT, William Montgomery. Keep it going. Let's see how loud this place can get for Jim Norton, Joe Rogan, Carlton, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Gonzalez, Matt Muehling,

The Madness. Unbelievable drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. What the fuck? What is that? I know I'm the fucking donkey there or whatever that is. Who's that? Who's that guy? Who? Joe Biden. Wait, what? Well, who's the thing standing up? What? Richard Simmons? KC Rockets?

I don't recognize Casey without his ball cap on. I'm sorry, Chris. That's Joe Biden and Casey Rockett? Okay, all right. Why does Joe Biden look exactly like me? Am I the only one seeing that? All right. Great smile on Joe Biden.

We did it. That's Chris Rogers Art, amazing local artist. Thank you to Game Time, Skylight Frame, DraftKings, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Gel Blaster, Tucker Carlson. I gotta tell you, I've been a huge fan fucking forever. This is so surreal having you here. Thank you.

I didn't expect to be here, trust me. Amazing, amazing. Doing the Post Malone spot that you find out behind the curtain. And that's all because of the great Joe Rogan, my fucking best pal in the world. So much fun.

hand for him in the mothership, huh? Number one comedy club on planet Earth. Thank you so much, Jim Norton, for joining the show again. Red Band. Check out the Joe Rogan experience now on YouTube, guys. Check it out. For sure. He's back on YouTube. Very exciting stuff. Back everywhere. One more time for Asthmatic. Thank you guys so much. We love you. Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.