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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Red Bank coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best fucking night of your life, huh? Yippee! Here we are, everybody.
We made it. It's Red Band, everyone. We're doing it again. Congratulations. You did it. You made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Talkspace, Squarespace, The Red Rose, and The Yellow Rose. How about that? You guys happy? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody? That's the fantastic Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, and
Matthew Muehling on the electric guitar, John Bees on the keys, and this is the great and powerful D-Madness on the bass guitar right here. Live in the flesh. An unbelievable show, ready to rock. Before we get it started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. ♪
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.
a few shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. Oh, s***.
With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what, huh? You guys are in first. How many of you have been following the show for a very long time? Woo!
You guys are in for a special treat. On top of one of the queens of comedy at the Comedy Store and one of the kings of comedy in New York, also joining us is the record holder for all time appearances as a guest in the show's history.
For the first time since the pandemic, ladies and gentlemen, I am so excited to bring to this stage Dom Irera, Eleanor Kerrigan, and Rich Boss, everybody. Make some fucking noise. Dom Irera. Did we ever find out how many times he's been on the show? 24, 25, 26 times. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi as well?
Unbelievable. What a squad. And Dom Irera in the motherfucking house. The great Eleanor Kerrigan with the new special No Country for Old Women out now on the Comedy Store's YouTube. RichVoss.com for tour dates and unbelievably cool merch. And of course, Dom Irera. This isn't the belly room. You're not in the belly room anymore, Dom. Are you sure?
No, you got to talk into the mic too. It's a podcast. I got a lot of bad news for you. Thank you, nice lady. Dom's killing it without a microphone. It's just me up here laughing. Welcome back, Dom. How about a hand for Dom Igeri? You guys don't fucking know. These Austin kids just started fucking getting into comedy this year because they're hoping Joe Rogan's going to fucking step on their toes or something like that.
Dom, how are you, my friend? Good. I couldn't be better. I mean, look at the people who came out to see me, and thanks for faking laughter at these two guys because I'm the baddest motherfucker on earth. He is the baddest motherfucker on earth. Goddamn right. Eleanor Kerrigan, welcome back. Hi, how are you? Thank you for having me. No Country for Old Women is out now on the Comedy Store's YouTube, and the great Rich Voss is back, ladies and gentlemen. New York assassin. Thank you.
I always have a blast doing this. I'm telling you, I drove from Jersey just to do this. All right, let it go. It's kind of sad. You guys know how it works. You've all done this show, especially Dom, more than anybody else ever in the show's history. Over 200, I can't even get my hands around how many fucking people signed up tonight. They're falling out everywhere.
hoping to get their chance on this stage. If they get pulled out, they get 60 seconds of time to do stand-up comedy. They can literally become famous on this show. You know their 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
And then I interview them and we find out more about them and what they could talk about, what could be interesting. I've already pre-pulled a name. A person has to run across the street to poor choices, grab them from a group full of comedians, hundreds of comedians, and drag them over here in the meanwhile.
Let's get the show started with one of our great regulars, everybody. A fucking absolute thunderbolt of energy starts this show every single week now. He is a phenom, a freak of nature, on tour with me, with William Montgomery, most importantly, literally one of the most famous local comedians on planet Earth. He is a superstar. I present to you 60 Seconds, brand new and uninterrupted from the phenom, Casey Rockett, ladies and gentlemen.
And it has begun! Nice day for a white wedding. Okay, cool. Total silence. We're having fun. Hell yeah. Get real. All right. God, I feel like shit. I've been doing Ramadan, so I can't eat any Percocet till sundown. So, the old crab's got the meat sweats. All right. Very cool. Hell yeah. Lost you again. God. A lot of people ask me, they say, Titty Boy LaCroix, what's the scariest drug you've ever done?
And I tell him, ladies and gentlemen, the scariest drug I've ever done was falling in love. I overdosed on fentanyl last summer. Kept doing it for six more months. Beginner's luck. Get lost. Click, click, boom. Come on now. Fastest hands in the room. People call me the Floyd Mayweather of the Austin comedy scene. Because I can't read. Okay. Okay.
That's my time. Thank you. I'm Casey Rockett. Boom. He did it again. Exactly one minute.
He is an absolute superstar. The Rocket Man himself, Casey Rocket, has arrived to the scene, everybody. Another fantastic minute. That Floyd Mayweather joke, absolutely. If you don't laugh at that, you might as well fucking leave now. There's people in a standby line hoping some people leave early on in the show.
Unbelievable. Rich, you ever seen anything like that before? I'll tell you, when I saw that missing tooth, I thought you were a boxer. Casey, you are the man. You've been killing it. You sell out locally. You've been on the road crushing. How's the road been treating you?
It's been good. Been on the road, went to Philly, Raleigh, made a couple paper. I'm all about my paper. I, uh... Okay. It's been fun. Been riffing around the globe, putting my money away, putting away in stocks, investing, riffing. Thank you. Big stock. Yeah. It's been fun. You're investing in stocks? Yep. My two passions in life. Stocks. Worms from Dune.
Those are the big two. Yup. One worm freak out there. Love to see it. Very scary.
But yeah, I've been putting money away. So I thought it might be interesting for the interview if I could pitch some stocks to you guys. Absolutely. That sound good to everybody? I'd pitch you a couple stocks, okay? Yeah, I like this. Let me go grab... Tony got me a Walgreens gift card, so I visualized some of these stocks I've been putting money in. I've been getting tenfold, twentyfold my money. So I'm going to show you guys a couple stocks real quick. Okay, he's going to grab his Walgreens photos. Is this a seminar? Yeah.
Oh my goodness. Wow. This is incredible. This is a true presentation. I don't think we've ever had anything like this on this show before. Ever. We've been doing this show 11 years. I've never... Oh my God, he has a jacket. Oh my God. He's more of a writer. So, as most of you know, stocks are big this time of year. Especially around the holidays. I've been...
These are a couple stocks. I got two stock picks. If you guys pick on these stocks, I have no affiliation with them whatsoever. Doesn't matter to me, but you can make a pretty big coin. Stock number one is... No.
Stock number one. This is car racks. So it's kind of like truck nuts, but it's tits for cars. It's boobs for cars. That's about it. But it's $2,500 for each boob. So nice even five grand. There's a PG-13 version. This one's for moms. So it's got a little bra on it. It's kind of sexy to think about around the holidays.
That's incredible. So this is what, this one actually, this is actually a good one. This is Scream powered cars. So this is Monsters, Inc. technology. So that's Mike Wazowski, founder, CEO of Scream, Inc. It's actually Shrink Automotive, Screek Automotive, Screek Smodimotive. It's Scream Daily Smodilogin and...
That's Mike Labisky, he's CEO, founder. Scream in the car, it's like a Tesla, you don't charge it, just give it a good scream. Then you'll get 100 miles per scream guaranteed, $5,000 per car. Not bad. These are, so yeah, this is just a continuation of Screek Automotive. And so this is, you can get a couple ghosts on your team. You could fucking go from here to Raleigh overnight. Pretty cool. Pretty cool.
This is number two. This is only the second stock. I'm only on the second one. We love it. Take your time, Casey. This is amazing. I'm going faster. This is 1-800-GUNS-FOR-GOOSE. So basically, it's me and my friend Brandon. If you give me $100, we will give a goose a gun. Whatever happens after that just depends on how well you treated the goose before we met you.
Uh-oh, bonus stock. - Whoa! - There's one bonus stock, so technically it's three stocks. This one's actually pretty exciting. This is upscale unhoused. So this is kind of, for too long we've seen homeless people who aren't that sexy. I kind of want to put an end to that. So this is for $19 a day for three weeks, you can give fishnets to a homeless person
And they will stay outside your business. They will stay outside your apartment. And they're going to be a little bit hotter than you remember them being. Before they put on the... So that's my stock. So pretty cool to pick up. Full presentation. In the history of the show, I've never seen anything quite like it. So how much is it to put fishnets on a homeless person? Oh, I should know. It was...
It was $19 a day for three weeks, wasn't it? I never forget. I work hand in hand with these companies free of charge. An unbelievable deal. I would definitely like to invest. Anybody, Eleanor? Yeah, I think it's like carrot top on meth. We need to sell this to Vegas. This is great. I love this. The stock, I'm in. $19. How many? Three weeks? Three weeks. So 21 days. So that's $1,800 plus more. I want to see nuts in a fishnet. Yeah.
Rich boss. I'd rather invest in property in Gaza. You don't want to see a homeless person shit through fishnets? That'd be amazing. I don't have that kind of money. Go ahead, Dom. Dom Herrera. What was I saying? I don't know. No, I mean, seriously, you learn about stocks and you still enjoy yourself. You see the hilarity in that?
I didn't know that. Thank you. Thank you. I didn't know all these little details. Plus, I learned more jokes. Thank you. No, you are phenomenal. You are phenomenal. I mean, I grew up watching you and I love you so much. Dom thinks you're Robin Williams right now. So that's a big compliment. That's a big compliment. We're not going to tell him.
We're not going to tell him. How about one more time for Robin Williams, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely. Thank you. Seriously. Make some fucking noise for Casey rocket. Everybody. And like that, the show has begun and immediately we moved to the bucket. Now this is where anything can happen. Now, sometimes it's a crazy person. It's terrible. Sometimes it's someone that is ready to become a superstar. It could be anywhere in between, uh,
They get 60 seconds uninterrupted and then we talk to them. Oh look who has real boobs in his hands for the first time ever Wow Look at that You're gonna be sucking on those when this lesbian leaves you. I love it She's actually gonna get more turned on by the car racks than you I could tell all right ladies and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure this is a brand new name. I would recognize it. Make some noise for your first comedian out of the bucket. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Q Rose, everyone. Q Rose starting the show. Here we go. Hey, how's everybody doing tonight? Y'all right? Y'all give it up for me and my girl for three and a half years just found out we about to have a baby. Yeah. Kind of makes me feel bad about all the cheating I've been doing lately.
I'm just playing, y'all. I don't feel bad. I love being here in Texas, man. I'm from Texas, man. Our racism here is just far superior than other states, man. I'm telling you. It's big and small at the same time, you know what I'm saying? Like, I went to an all-white neighborhood. I went to all-black high school, right? And we had one white guy join the football team, right? And we called him White Mike. And it took me years to realize there were no other Michaels on the team.
We could have just called him, I don't know, just Mike, and it would have been good. All I'm saying is, what even worse nickname we had, right? We had a messing guy join the team, right? And we just called him Mexico. And when his cousin joined the team, we just called him New Mexico. So, really messed up when I graduated, found out them niggas was Puerto Rican. It was bad. All right, thank you. I'm Q Rose. Thanks for listening. Q Rose making his Tony debut. Hell yeah.
Welcome, Q Rose. How long you been doing stand-up for? I've been doing stand-up currently about seven years. I started off in Philly. Seven years from Philly. I love it. Eleanor and Dom are both originally from Philly. I'm from Dallas, but I started out in Philly. Oh, okay. Now they hate you. Okay. You had everything going for you. With a passion. You wanted to get that Dallas love, and it's not happening. Now go birds. It's cool. You know what I'm saying? There you go. The cowboys first. Okay. Very good. All right. I can't remember. I'll be all right.
Okay, Q Rose. How's the Bob Marley movie doing for you now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bob is good as whatever old movie you watch. Oh, shit. An attempt at a roast joke there by Q Rose that fell completely flat.
So you've been doing stand-up for about seven years, originally from Philly. Are you really, do you really have a baby on the way? Actually, no, she's about to be seven now. Oh, shit. Oh, been doing that joke since you started, huh? Oh, busted. Busted. Out here doing his fucking gold material. Seven years of fucking sheen on that joke. I love my baby. I'm going to keep talking about it forever. I love it. Seven years, and you're still in her life. No, that...
Absolutely incredible, unprecedented, amazing. - Nah, I beat the stereotype, we good. - I love it, I love it, I love it. And you're still with the baby mama as well? - Okay. - And we're back. - Here we go. - Beat something other than the stereotype, it appears.
Where's she at? Where's the baby mama? No, no, she's up in Detroit. You know, we met in the military, so, you know what I'm saying? Oh, you met in the military. What branch of the military were you in? Air Force. I'm an Air Force veteran. Okay, Black Hawk down? They don't go down. All right. Black... Well, I mean, Kobe Bryant. Oh! Oh!
Oh, no! A helicopter crash joke. Oh! Oh, my goodness. Flag on the play. No Kobe Bryant jokes allowed. Everyone knows. Anything but Kobe. It's hard to joke about someone with a real talent. Oh, yeah. Are you standing up for Kobe right now? Are you defending Kobe from the grave?
Against me? Because you're saying I don't have talent? I mean... Are you the spokesperson for the corpse of Kobe Bryant right now? I mean, we got a goat in it, you know. He's the goat. He's the goat. Yeah, of what he did. I'd like to see an episode of Kill Kobe. Because this ain't easy.
It's not easy. Nah, nah, it's great. Y'all both great. I'd like to see Kobe do this.
Right? Not easy. I'm over here. I'm hosting. I'm trying to make jokes, keeping an eye on Red Band. I've had to use one of those pads you bring somebody to life with. I have those under the table just in case Dom gives up on us here. Anything can happen. We're having fun tonight. We're goofing around. I just got a feeling if I see you do a jump shot, I'm going to laugh even harder at your jokes. I will fucking ball all over you, dude. You want to play a game of one-on-one after this? Do you even play basketball? Oh, my goodness. You look like a referee. Deep.
I do. I referee, and I'm going to referee our game, and I'm going to call a lot of fouls on you. I will murder you 111 to nothing. I think you would murder me. I don't think you would beat me in basketball. Two different things completely.
Two different things. Okay, Q Rose, so let's talk about it. You've been doing stand-up. Where do you live now? I live in Dallas. I live in Dallas. How do you make a living? I run an activity center. I own an activity center. What kind of activity center? Exactly. So you can get full-court basketball in the backyard. Oh, shit.
You know what? If you're running an activity center with a basketball court, maybe I'll play you in table tennis or something like that instead. I got that, too, but I'll murder your beer pong, though, for real. Beer pong? Yeah. Okay. Any sport? Anything? Nope, absolutely impossible. I'm trying to figure out what I think you could get me at. I'll beat you in paper, scissors, rocks right now. Are you ready for this? You know how to do it?
Now do you go one, two, throw or one, two, three, shoot? 'Cause you're from Philly and Dallas. - We'll shoot, we'll shoot. Yeah, we'll shoot. I went up north, they do the shoot. - One, two, shoot. - One, two, three, shoot. - Okay, one, two, three, shoot. Okay, like that. Okay, ready? One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. Okay, okay, this guy's good. He's trying to get in my head here. All right, this is the part where I win. You know what you're gonna throw?
All right, ready? One, two, three, shoot. Ben, it's over. - Get out of here. - All right. Q, anything crazy about your life or your history that we should know about you before letting you go? Like craziest thing about your life. You ever fucking do anything, get in trouble, have any special skills or talents, anything wild? - I mean, shoot, man, I'm a shoot. - We already did shoot and you lost. Mister I'll beat you in anything.
oh shit, I just knew you was going to choose paper because you're so white. That is ridiculous. That doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It worked, it worked. Black comics love talking about white people crazy. They pay taxes. I'm an Air Force veteran. Thank you for your taxes, all white people. That is true, that is true. We love you for the Air Force thing.
Okay, Q Rose, well, welcome to the show. Congratulations. Fun times. I can't even remember what your set was like. What do we think? Oh, really? Red Band's itching to the little joke book. Here you go, my friend. There he goes. Q Rose, everybody. All right, and like that, it's on. The show has begun. You guys get it? Everybody having fun?
All right, pull another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Mike Ryan. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike Ryan. Here he is. I don't like to make assumptions about people, but I feel like every time I've seen a homeless guy on a bicycle, they stole that bicycle. If you don't believe me, next time you see a homeless guy on a bicycle, just yell, "Hey, that's my fucking bike!" and just see how they react. I got in a fight with a homeless guy one time.
I was working at this club and he reached over the balcony and grabbed this girl's ass so I had to shoo him away. As I was shooing him away, he said, "Hey, you fat motherfucker. I'm gonna come back next week and I'm gonna kick your ass." I just went about my day because he's a homeless guy. But he came back the next week. Looked like he had put the crack pipe down 'cause he had gained about 30 pounds of solid muscle. His hands were taped up like a professional boxer and he shadow boxed all the way up to me. I did the only thing a reasonable human being could do in that situation and I hit him with a bottle.
and then i stole his bike as i was riding away somebody yelled hey that's my bike thanks guys okay 57 seconds from mike ryan doing a little homeless people with bicycles thing how's it going mike it's good how you doing you've been on the show before correct three weeks ago how did that go for you remind me i got the big book i did secret show um
Cam Patterson stopped me in the street, told me I was funny as fuck, booked me for the regulars two weeks ago, and I'm on it again tomorrow. Wow. Incredible. And this all started because of that appearance three weeks ago. Yeah. A lot's changed in three weeks. Tell me what else has changed in three weeks. You look five pounds heavier. Thank you. Thank you.
Now I'm on Ozempic, so I'm actually down like 50 pounds. Whoa. Okay. What else has changed in the last three weeks? So I'd only been doing it three and a half months at the time. Now it's been four months. So I'd only done Oven Mike's up until that point. And now I'm getting booked. I actually organized my own show in Houston. Yeah. On the 20th. It sold out in seven hours. Wow. You sold out a show in seven hours? Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, how did you do that? I was a promoter for 12 years and a rapper, so... A rapper? Yeah, a rapper. Did I have you rap three weeks ago? Yeah. Okay, well, rap again. Let's rap again. I want to hear you rap. I don't even remember. All right, one, two... Oh, they're holding me up on this one. Matt Muehling's scared. Oh, shit. Huh. Huh.
I can't understand what you're- hold on, stop it, stop. Can you guys understand what he's saying?
Right. Nobody can understand. The bass and the drums, it's a little bit too loud. My bad. My bad. Why don't we try it again? A little bit softer, guys. A little bit lower. A little bit softer. And you enunciate a little bit harder. You just want to do acapella? Do you want to do an acapella? I can do an acapella. Let's fucking do an acapella then. The band sounds fantastic. Much better than... The best band of all time. I love you guys so much. All right. You pandering motherfucker. Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. I say they're the best band. You're selling out. Huh.
- Huh, the microphone killer used to be a dope dealer. Now I'm just a rhyme speeler. Couldn't be realer if I tried, don't lie. And if I gotta die, probably be a homicide 'cause I'm from Houston, it's gruesome. The city be a threesome or a twosome. I'm a motherfucking nuisance on this beat, yeah. - This is all memorized, correct?
Yeah, this is, yeah. Yeah, this is incredible. I could do this in my fucking sleep. Do you know that? I could do what rappers do in my sleep. Yeah. Tony, you're the best, man. I hate to pander again, but God damn it. It's just kind of incredible, right? I mean, they come up with all this stuff, you know,
I'm better than you in every way. The shirts, the pants, the socks. I just beat a black guy in paper, scissors, rocks. And you're literally interrupting me while I rap. You don't even fucking... Unbelievable. Did you see that? I just housed him while he's talking to me. No, that's actually... I wanted to... So when I did the secret show... Go ahead. Squeeze this shoehorn in your thing. Guys, stop playing. This guy has to say whatever the fuck he's about to say right now. The ozempic is going to your brain, dude.
This guy just lost a pound of brain cells while he was up here. Go ahead. When I did Secret Show, you showed up in the green room and you and your entourage were all wearing matching jackets and it was like the coolest thing I'd ever seen and you walked in and you just fucking roasted everybody in the room.
What matching jackets the fuck are you talking about? Every time somebody's like, hey, I need to just tell this story. They just go into some made up shit. No, dude, you had the, they were wearing family and friends kill Tony jackets. Okay, that's not matching jackets. I thought it was really fucking cool, dude. I'm sorry. I was trying to give you your flowers. How many people were in this entourage? How do you remember this story? You remember four people, me coming in with four people and we're all wearing the same jacket. No, three of you were in the same jacket. One of them wasn't. Okay.
Outsider. It was cool, man. Your whole story that you interrupted my rap for is I was wearing the same jacket as two producers of this show, Pauly Shore. Oh, my God. I needed backup. I know you're supposed to... What's up, you guys? How's it going? What's up?
Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen. Comedy store royalty has arrived. I know you said you were supposed to bring me out when you said a certain word, but fuck this guy, dude. They didn't have matching shit, dude. Fuck.
I was fucking there, bro. It's a magic. It's a fucking Kill Tony jacket. He says it like we all came in wearing like fucking jumpsuits like we're about to break dance or something like that. You and your entourage came in. I thought it was cool as fuck, dude. It's the show. Yeah, no. It's the show that you're on. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. Okay. All right.
But watching you roast a room full of people, it was like watching Da Vinci paint, bro. I mean, I was just, I love roast and it was just really cool. You know what? You're the best performer I've ever seen in my entire life. Mike, there you go. You got a big joke book last time? Guess what, buddy? You're leaving with a small one this time. Go do something with it. Mike Ryan, everybody. Now, I'm done rapping. I'm retiring forever.
It hurt my brain straight to the gullet. I just got told a fake story by a guy with a mullet. I bet he has bad breath. Here's Heidi with liquid death. All right. Stupid. Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brian T. Licata, everybody. Woo!
Brian T. What's up, guys? What's up? How are you? So I just got married recently, right? And my wife, she's dubbed it a modern traditional relationship, right? And that means she's got the job, but I still had to buy the engagement ring, right? You know? And, you know, I'm worried about it, right? You know, because I don't want to get divorced. And I'm talking to one of my real ginzo, you know, Italian friends, right? That's funny. Hilarious. He was like, yo, dude, how...
How are you possibly gonna stay with her forever, right? And I was like, I'm not. You know, like statistically speaking, there's absolutely no way that I'm gonna make it to the end of this thing, right? And... Are you interested in stocks? Wait, wait, wait, wait. You don't understand. But no, right? So I'm in this modern, traditional relationship with her. And I was...
You know, she's so modern, right? And I'm so traditional. She's so modern that she paid for this trip, right? And I'm traditional, so if she didn't pay for it, I would have hit her, you know? No, shut up. Brian. Zero less, sir. What was supposed to happen there exactly? Well, you know, I was in town for one more night and I didn't have much to do, so I've been known. So you signed up for a show where people do stand-up comedy? Yeah.
Eleanor Kerrigan. I'm working on my writing, yeah. I'm working on it very, very difficultly. That's my tech guy. He does my videos. Are you fucking serious? Are you serious? Your tech guy signed up and just ate a pile of hot shit on the show? Well, I mean, at least I got called. You didn't know you were going to get called. Yeah, no one knows they're going to get called. Have you ever seen the show before? No. I'm going to put you through ten minutes of fucking hell. That's what I'm going to do. That's what I'm going to do.
I am so sick of this fucking shit. I thought it was going to go good. I'm going to practice my writing. Why don't you practice your fucking writing before coming on a show with a million people watching? You fucking numbnuts. So what do you do? You're a video editor? Yeah, and a video producer. Oh, a producer as well. I make videos. What the fuck are you producing? What do you make with your imagination, with your fucking brain? Tell me what you produce. I'm producing Dom's podcast. Dom Irover's podcast.
That's why he was interrupting. What's my name? What's my name? What the fuck were you thinking?
He's trying to get viewers. He's trying to get viewers. What the fuck was this? Who's trying to get viewers? Dom? Dom! Is this, this is your right hand man, Dom? Was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was
I don't know what he was thinking. This is absolutely incredible. So you've never tried stand-up comedy before? I've done two minutes before. Where did you do two minutes before? I don't really want to talk about it. Well, I don't care. You signed a perfect show. I did two minutes on a show in Atlantic City. It's in his mother's cunt. Is this going on? Is this thing on? I have a feeling a lot of guys have done two minutes in this guy's mother's cunt. Oh! Oh!
Okay, so Brian, you signed up for the show. What did you think was going to happen? What's the best that could have fucking happened? What did you think this show was? Well, I knew what it was, and I knew I was going to bomb, but I was hoping to get the opportunity to at least come out here and
see that I probably shouldn't do stand-up anymore. But you also know that after the minute, I interview people. Oh, yeah. And I find out more about them. So why don't you tell me one fucking interesting thing about you? I want to know because I know a lot of fucking video editors. And let me tell you, some of the most boring fucking dull people I've ever met in my entire goddamn life. Okay, so you might find this interesting. I used to shoot crystal meth in my neck.
Oh, wow. Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. Used to, used to, used to, used to, used to. You do have a big fucking neck. Right here. You look like a fucking Argonaut. Incredible. Yes. Absolutely. D-Madness, are you on a phone call right now? What the fuck is going on with this show tonight?
This motherfucker is on a fucking phone call. I got your guys' fucking video editor signing up for the goddamn show. 220 souls dying to get on this show, signing up every week. Some fucking editor from LA. I was just here for one more day, Tony. Jersey. Oh, you live in Jersey? Yes. So how do you do Dom's podcast from New Jersey? We produce it online.
Oh my god, I hate you more and more every second that takes place. Well, it's just because Dom doesn't want us together in the same room. Shut the fuck up, Brian. I'm listening, I'm listening. So they send you the raw video file? How does this work exactly? No, we shoot it all together online and then I cut it up together. Zoom. Oh, it's Zoom. And then you say that you produce that. So somebody sets up Dom's camera for him, right? Yeah.
and you sit there and you hit record on the Zoom and that makes you a producer.
Well, it's really more of the editing aspect is where it comes into. Okay, so what do you edit? What do you edit? Well, you know, some words that you're not allowed to say anymore, so we just make sure those don't go into the show. I've heard some of the words that Dom says. That you actually have a lot of work on your hands. He deserves a raise. Can I tell them the next act is my real estate agent. It is incredible. It's unbelievable, Brian. What do you think the funniest thing you've ever done in your entire life is?
Probably bomb here. No. Come on. The funniest thing. I mean, seriously. Here you are. You signed up for a comedy show. And I love this. You know, what I get a lot of is... What I... What I...
What I've heard a lot is that you know what I hate what Tony does is when somebody fucking signs up that didn't prepare and didn't do good and Tony sits there and he interviews them, he should just get rid of them immediately. But I think the exact fucking opposite, Brian. I want to keep you up here and squeeze the absolute life out of you. I want to send you back to Jersey, the saddest human. Thank you. You're bombed again, Brian. Every word you say, every time...
you say anything, you're worse. You're digging yourself a deeper hole. I'm going to make sure that every time you're on dating apps and things like that, you have a girlfriend. No, you definitely I'm going to make this your bio for dating apps and things like that. I'm going to force this upon you. I'm going to make fake Brian Licata videos
Tinder profiles? Yeah. Yeah, and this is going to be your fucking bio, is this interview. So tell me the most interesting thing about you, Brian. Right now. Don't do it. Don't do it. It's a trap. The most interesting thing about me is... There's just so many things. There's just so many things to think about. Oh, look, he's moving around. It's like an unfunny KC Rocket, everybody. Yeah.
It's the Challenger rocket. Wow, look at him. Look at the sadness. Searching for the words. Oh, this is getting worse and worse. Make it stop. You know what? I'm going to do something we've never done on this show before. Carrie Mitchell is the head of food and beverage here. How about a hand for Carrie, everybody? Carrie!
I'm gonna make an order that we've never had before. Can I have a syringe of crystal meth? We're going to inject your neck one more time, and we're going to have you... Actually, I know a guy that drove here from Jersey, so Rich, you're gonna have to give him a ride home.
The good news is he'll be able to drive when you get tired. I have 38 years sober. After that, I want to get high. He just fucked up my whole fucking life. It's unbelievable.
Brian, you're not allowed to sign up for the show for the rest of your life. I don't ever want to see you again. I'm going to make sure Dom fires you. I'm going to make sure Eleanor fires you. You'll never work in show business, and by show business, I mean recording other people's Zoom podcasts again.
Blacklisted, Tony? Blacklisted. Here is... Actually, you get no joke book, no keychain, no hairy situation book. You get nothing. I want you to leave. I want you to never come back. You go back to poor choices across the street and you stay there. I want security to handle this. He's not allowed to hang out. Way to promote. Thank you. Thank you. What the fuck were you thinking? Look at...
My flight isn't until tomorrow. What? I said my flight wasn't until tomorrow. Okay, very good, Brian. I hate you with every ounce inside of me. I can't stand you. You're one of the worst human beings in the history of this show. You're terrible. I like your gold chain, though. You can leave that.
There he goes. Brian Licata. Get him out of here. Don't clap. Don't clap. Hold silence. Do not encourage that at all. Fuck. I am sorry. I will have him execute it. I apologize. I fucking hate it. Well, you can't hang him with that neck.
is unbelievable. If you could see, I mean, like, William Montgomery signed up for a whole year without getting up. Well, assholes like that are getting pulled out of the bucket. So there's only one way to bring the show back to life again. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another regular. He is a sensation, a force of nature. Make some noise for Kill Tony's own Cam Patterson, everybody. Thank you.
That last nigga was terrible so I took his chain, you know what I'm saying? Hey Tony, Tony! Told you I got you nigga! Yeah, yeah, garbage ass nigga, that nigga was terrible dog. I'm glad it was bad 'cause my minute ain't gonna be great. All right, let's get it up.
Let's get into it. I've been trying this shit all week, nigga, and nobody been laughing, but I got a haircut, and I'm pissed off about it. I look like a bitch, man. I look like a real fuck nigga right now. I used to look like a real, screep nigga, man. Now I look like a white lady got her hands on, like, a Rottweiler or something and painted his nails blue. I feel like a real fuck nigga right now. My mama told me I should do it, thought it would be a good idea, but I shouldn't trust that bitch. She's a horrible person.
She had me getting ball fade until I was like in seventh grade. She not a good person to talk about with hair, you know what I'm saying? Okay, I told you I wasn't gonna be great. What'd I say? I said it. Somebody told me I look like a high school musical basketball star. That pissed me the fuck off. I sounded like the black Corbin Blue. That nigga already black, dog. He's already a nigga. It can't be a black nigga. It's already a nigga already, man. That shit pissed me. I look like that one episode of Spongebob. He like, I'm normal, goof ass nigga.
I'm done. Pam Patterson. An unbelievable minute after Brian Licata. No, no, no. Dominic, no. No, you're not allowed to say the N-word, Dom. We're going to have Brian edit it out if you do. Can I just think it? No, yes, you can think it, Dom. I give you permission to think the N-word right now.
Puss ass. - I love the haircut, Cam. Where did you get it done at? Did you go to a white barber? - No, no, no, no. I went to a black barber, but he like, I told him to take a little bit off the top and he just got fucking trigger happy, dog. And it started going crazy. He did a good job. I do look like a young man, and I don't like that. - A black guy getting trigger happy? Was it a drive-by haircut?
It was bad, bro. I mean, I like it. It's great. It'll get better. It's cool. For some reason, I can't remember what was your hair like before? This is like so different. Wait a minute, nigga. Wait a minute. Explain to me why it was fucked up.
It was twist. It was two straight twists. Oh, that's right. Yeah. What's funny about that? I don't know. This one, like, I got men in black. It, like, erased my memory of what your hair was like before. I'm just scanning for a bald person to take the blame. I want to know why Dee said that was fucked up. You very rarely, of all the shit that I say up here, you very rarely say that's fucked up. I'm excited to hear why me not remembering what his hair was like before is fucked up. Is that a racial thing? You tour with this brother every week. Yeah.
He's your number one black man every week. And you can't remember that his hair used to hang past his earring too? So fuck... Alright, I'm done. You make my life. Thank you so much. Oh my God. You are correct. My number two and my number three black men are all the way behind me.
How dare I forget what my number one black man's hair was like before. Now, you got a little twist in the front. Yeah, my hair curls. I got good hair now. Okay. I got good hair. You know what I'm saying? What do you do to it? How does that work? It's water. Do you wear one of those head things at night? Nah, water. Not with this. Nah, I just scrape. I wet that bit. I put a little moisturizer in it and I just hit it. You know what I'm saying? I got good hair. No, we don't. You don't get what I'm saying? No, we don't put moisturizer in our hair. You know what I'm saying? I put some little tomato. You know what I'm talking about? He get it. I get it.
- This guy gets it. - Now you're hitting on me. - All right, now don't play crazy. - I got you. - I fought cougars, all right. - Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely. White cougar meet Black Panther. This is incredible.
a meeting of the minds over here. I'll take his rocks out of his pocket. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Wait a minute, man. Oh, shit. Wait a minute, man. Now I'm scared. Now I got nervous. Wait a minute. I got cold feet.
I love it. What else is going on, Cam? What else is exciting in life? Anything else? Ain't shit just been running around. My auntie, my auntie is not excited. My auntie been out at the hospital. My auntie be being shit. So that's been, I've been going back home, checking on my auntie and shit. So your auntie is in and out of the hospital with diabetes? Nah, not that. I mean, that is one of the things, but not the one. Goddamn.
I thought I heard diabetes. I'm sorry. It was a little bit... I don't have a translator here. Dom keeps mumbling the N-word, so I'm having trouble hearing right now. I'm having... Motherfucking...
The audio in my right ear is a little bit muffled right now. He's thinking it so hard that I can hear it. I know his lips are moving, but he's thinking the N-word so hard that I can physically hear it. He just said he can see it on the back of his head. It's appearing like some type of digital artwork or something like that. I won't even say the letter anymore. I'll just say, you know what? LAUGHTER
I'm not allowed to say it. Have you ever been called the N-word by a white guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's that happen at? I mean, when I was in seventh grade, a white boy called me a nigga, and me and my homeboys almost killed him. Yeah. What did you do? Huh? What did you do?
We beat the fuck out of them on the stairs. I can't fight real good, but my homeboys can fight real good. So when they got them on the ground, I started kicking the shit out of them. Teamwork made the dream work, baby. You feel me? Absolutely. 100%. 100%. Well, we love it, Cam. Another fantastic performance. You did it again. Brought the show right back to life like he always does. The phenom, Cam Patterson, back at it again.
Hell yeah. The best. Oh, you want the chain back? Oh, shit. Make some noise for your next comedian, Biddy O'Loughlin, everybody. One more time, everybody, for Biddy O'Loughlin, everyone. Make some noise for Biddy, everyone. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Hi. Hi, my name's Biddy. I'm from Australia and my pronouns are fuck off.
I'm Irish-Australian and I don't drink anymore, so my ancestors are pissed. And they're pissed. I'm a single mum. I didn't find out the sex of my baby when I was pregnant, but I was kind of hoping for a miscarriage. At 20 weeks, I was convinced I was having a boy because I was sitting on the couch still waiting for him to make a move.
And at 10 weeks I didn't get that test to find out if my baby had Down syndrome because I didn't care. I would have raised it. If my kid had an extra chromosome I would have taught it to say funny things. Like when people say we met before they could go nah I've just got one of those faces. I had a beautiful girl and I called her Dolly because she likes singing in boobs.
Her first word was "dada". I was like "where?"
There you go. All the time for Biddy, everybody. Biddy O'Loughlin, a great Kill Tony debut. Welcome, welcome. Very funny. I could tell by your performance that you do not edit any videos. Remember that, idiot? All right. Biddy, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? I started 14 years ago, but then I had like a nine-year break after a couple of years, and I just got back to...
into it before the pandemic. - 14 years. What made you take a nine year break? - Well, I fell into bed with too many comedians and developed alcoholism. - Ah, okay. And your alcoholism stopped your comedy? - No, the alcoholism kept going, but I stopped doing comedy and, you know, stayed away from comedians. - Cheers. - Gotcha. Absolutely. Yeah, imagine how many drinks it would take to fuck this guy. Incredible.
Absolutely. So, Biddy, you still live in Australia? I do. Okay. What part? Adelaide. Very nice. And is there a comedy club there? There are two, and I don't get on one of them. Right. What are they called again? The Rhino Room and The Cranker. The Cranker? The Cranker. Okay. And what do you do for a living? I go busking on the streets, like singing songs.
for money and I have single mother benefits at the moment. Busking? Yeah. So that's like street art? Yeah. Okay, can you give us an example of what you do out on the streets? How many of you want to see what Biddy does on the streets? Just a little showcase of your talents here. Well, I don't have my guitar with me. You play guitar? Yeah, I play guitar and sing. Like acoustic or electric? Acoustic. Can you play with an electric? Yeah. You can? Yeah.
Would it be good? Why do you sing? No. No? No, it'd be shit. Okay. So you need a guitar. Yeah. You can't just sing. Oh, I can sing. Okay. Can you tell us what chords you play? You know what chords you're singing? I'm going to end up doing this better than you. This is a theme tonight. Anything you can do, I can do better. Do you know... Do you know... Do you know...
Red Band's already got your Instagram up. He's looking at videos of you singing on the street. I've actually followed her for a while. Yeah, I know who she is. Wow. Look at that. Creepy. So creepy. This is my partner, everybody.
11 years we've been on this together. How did you end up following her? Do you know? She was recommended by somebody recently. How'd you meet that guy? At the comedy store in London many years ago. Yep. It's a bullshit place. Yeah, it's not a real comedy store. A lot of people don't know that. It's just stole the name from a very famous comedy club. The Comedy Store. Yeah.
In LA. Very odd that they would call themselves that. A very bold maneuver. I wonder what this story is with that. Probably allowed to do it because they're British and fucking... International. Yeah. Weird. It's in Australia as well, right? Yeah, they got one in Sydney. The comedy store in Sydney? God. Bunch of unoriginal-esque countries. It's incredible. Can't come up with a single fucking idea on your own. That's why we dominate you with our military anytime we want. Uh,
How old's your kid now? She's nearly three. Dolly is nearly three. Where's Dolly at tonight? She's getting babysat by a lady off care.com. Wow. Here in Austin, Texas? Yeah. So you just found a random...
Lady. Well, you have to pay, so I figured they vetted them, and she also said she didn't think Hannah Gadsby was funny, so I was like, you'll do. Yeah, I like that. I like that. That's a great test to make sure if it's a good nanny, as long as they think Hannah Gadsby's not funny. Okay, let's sing something. What do we got here? You want to name a song or a chord or a fucking anything? Just say anything, really. You want to go acapella, and then they'll follow you? Yeah, all right.
Okay, let's do that. You want me to sing the song for you? What about, uh, ♪ Well, it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe ♪ You know that one? Wow. Look at that. That's incredible. I know that song. Sounds lovely. You do? I don't know it that well. One, two, one, two, three, four. ♪ Well, it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe ♪ ♪ Given that you don't know by now ♪
♪ Well it ain't no use to sit and wonder why babe ♪ ♪ It'll never do somehow ♪ ♪ When the rooster crows at the break of dawn ♪ ♪ Look out your window babe and I'll be gone ♪ ♪ You're the reason I'm a-traveling on ♪ ♪ But don't think twice it's all right ♪ - It's a little break in between the verses here.
♪ Well it ain't no use in calling out my name, boy ♪ ♪ Like you've never done before ♪ ♪ Ain't no use in calling out my name, boy ♪ ♪ I'm on the dark side of your door ♪
Unbelievable. So much fun. Vinny, I love your style. I love your energy. Fantastic stuff. If you're in town Thursday, I would love to have you on The Secret Show. I changed my flight. Here's a big joke boat. Oh, there you go. Michael caught it for you. It's good. Thank you so much.
The books, they spin the other direction when they're Australian. Please. How about one more time for the new great Biddy O'Loughlin, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. Biddy, B-I-D.
Oh, we're on live video. Lachlan, B-I-D-D-Y-O-L-O-U-G-H-L-I-N. Adorable. What a fun performance. Amazing. Oh, my goodness. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Just incredible. Gina with three A's dot H-G, I do believe, right? Gina with three A's dot H-G. If you guys want to follow her on social media, it's very hard, but go ahead and try.
Alright, your next comedian, 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Kent Hunter, everybody. Kent Hunter, here we go. Anything can happen. I was listening to this 2 Chainz song the other day. And he said, "Pussy was so good, I missed my flight." And I'm not impressed. 'Cause for those of you who don't know, 2 Chainz is a black pothead rapper.
Pussy or not, he was never going to make that flight. But what would impress me is my grandfather gets the flights three hours early. If he looked at me and said, pussy was so good I missed my flight, I'd be like, what? You're telling me Graham Graham got that good shit? Are you serious? Yes.
That joke's actually been doing really well recently. I thought about calling her up. Letting her know, like, hey, your pussy's a crowd pleaser. My dad, he calls weed dope.
and that bothers me a little bit. 'Cause the only people who still say dope are old people talking about drugs and 12 year olds when they get a Minecraft t-shirt for Christmas. So now I don't know if my dad's getting old or if my mom's a pedophile. Thank you guys, I'm counting.
- Kent Hunter. - How you doing? - What an unbelievable performance. I mean, I absolutely love that set. That was fantastic. Well paced, well executed. You've been on this show before, correct? - Yes sir, this is number four. - This is your fourth time on the show. You always look different. - I know. - Are you the shaky leg guy? - Yeah, I am. - Oh my God.
Oh my God, very famous in the history of Kill Tony, it turns out. He always has a different disguise tonight. He's got a new mustache and a backwards hat. - I got the fucking mullet today. - Oh, okay. Everybody's getting their mullets on nowadays. I love it. This is incredible. We had a fat guy with a mullet on earlier. Very rare treat.
- Good rapper though. - Yeah, hell of a rapper. Kent, welcome back to the show. I love that minute. How long have you lived in Austin? - A year now. - How long have you been doing standup? - Two years now. - Two years. Fantastic performance for a two year comic and all of your sets have been good on the show, right? - Yes sir. - Yeah. - Thankfully, I try. - Look at that little smile coming through. Such a tough guy.
Rich Voss. Are you sure that you can't wear a football helmet with a chin strap? Why is that? Because you don't have a chin. It is true. He does not have a chin. His neck goes up to his bottom lip. This is the second comedian who could not hang himself. That's how they're building him nowadays. So many comedians have hung themselves that they're now evolving to...
It's a thing that's happening in real life. The comedians of the future cannot hang themselves. However, I think we can figure out a way for Brian Licata to get some help. We're going to really tighten it up, figure it out. Not you, though. No hanging yourself for you. So remind us, what do you do for work, Kent? I work at HEB. HEB, American hero right here. Right when he couldn't possibly get any more likable, he works at the absolute best.
staple of Texas, the greatest grocery store to ever exist, H-E-B. And what do you do at H-E-B? - I stock shelves. - You stock, what better job for you than stocking shelves? You have the height, you have the everything going for you. I noticed you famously had shaky legs. I'm not really seeing it tonight. Are they, oh, yep, there they are. All right. - Yep, little earthquake over there. There it is, that's the noise.
Michael's got the sound effects over there. When you hear that rattling cowbell, that means we got shaky legs. Look out. There they are. Everybody. Is there any other time in your life where your legs shake from nervousness? Um...
Whenever I'm really nervous or scared. But it doesn't happen during your minute, does it? No, I'm comfortable with my minutes. You're comfortable with your minutes and you're comfortable doing stand-up. It's this interview part that gets the best of you. What is the question that you're so afraid that I would ask? I don't know. I'm just...
Michael, you keep an eye on it over there. I want to know because I can't see. I got Eleanor and Rich leaning forward over here. I need to know. No, you're good. Go ahead. I want Michael to let me know. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, I saw that one. Oh, all right. What are you afraid of me asking? What makes you so nervous during the interview part? You're a likable guy. You're very nice. You have HEB, you have HIV, you have everything going for you. Oh, my God.
What makes you nervous? I'm just not that good with improv off the rip. So I'm just, I trust my minute. I know it's going to be funny where I don't know if I'm going to be funny in the interview. You're doing just fine, dude. After Brian... Thank you.
After we had Brian LaCotta up here, I don't know about you guys, but this guy's fucking Richard Pryor in the interview portion of me right now. We're doing just fine, buddy. Just relax a little bit. Look at those legs. Dom Herrera, one of the all-time greats, the most veteran guest out of our history of guests. What do you think about this guy? Mm-mm-mm. LAUGHTER
"Mumfucker." "What do I think about that? "I think he's got an attitude problem." "Yeah, fuck me, fuck you, man." "Do you want a piece of this?" Sorry, I snapped on you. - It was perfect. As long as you don't call him the N-word, we're good. You are fantastic. I love it. So what else is going on in your life, Kent? It's been a while since we've seen you. - It has.
You been hooking up with a lady, you fucking human vibrator, you? - Yes. - Huh? You giving him the old fucking shaky third leg, huh? You ever get inside of a girl and just picture me asking you questions? Hello? Hi Kent, it's me.
And then she just fucking... She just loses her mind, right? You turn on that fucking shaky wig and the bitches just go crazy. Eleanor was into this. Oh, boy, I would come in an instant. Fucking great. Do you get nervous during sex? Does that happen? Completely honest. Yeah. I haven't had sex. Wait, you're a virgin? I am, yeah. No fucking way. Do you want to see if it works? Yeah.
Eleanor's ready to go. Eleanor's ready. We're going to take some of Cam Patterson's hair moisturizer, spray it down there, and we're going to be ready to go. We're going to oil the little tin man she's got between her legs. That pussy's like, need oil. It just squeaks a little, but then once you get in there and start fucking shaking, it comes right open.
Sorry. I fucking love Eleanor Kerrigan. Trust me, I know. I had this in me earlier. Trust. It's back. Yeah. The can realized why it was called liquid death all along. It's like, oh, this is what true death is like. I'm dying in here. Luckily, there's enough space for me to breathe in here. A lot of black men in Philly.
So explain to us, how old are you Kent? - 20. - 20 years old, now are you a religious guy? How do you maintain your virginity?
Looking like this, apparently. You're a good looking guy. I'm not buying into that. There's a lot of fucking monsters that have been on this stage that have gotten pussy before. I want to know what's going on here. I don't know. I'm just very awkward. Yeah? Tell us, what's the closest you've gotten? Have you gone down on a girl? I have not. Have you had a girl go down on you? I have not. You're into girls, though. Yes. You're positive about that. What kind of porn do you jerk off to? Lesbian. Oh!
All right. All right. I like this fucking guy. We're getting somewhere. Yeah. Hit that lesbian beat. Hell yeah. He lit up. He lit up, didn't he? He really did. He really did. There's some lesbians in the audience. I beat a guy in rock, paper, scissors earlier. They both threw scissors every time. Okay. Okay.
So you've never gone down on a girl, a girl's never gone down on you. Have you made out with a girl? Yes. Okay. When's the last time you made out with a girl? Uh...
Before I moved here. Before you moved here. How long ago? A year ago? Yeah. Really? You've never kissed a girl in Austin? Oh, actually, I kissed a girl on your show the first time I got picked. Oh, okay. Yes. Okay. That was Redman.
Dom Irere in the motherfucking house throwing... Oh my goodness. I love it. Good to see you guys. You're killing it, Dom. You're killing it. Yo, Dom, available now if you like well-edited Zoom podcasts. Look at me. Look at me. What do I care? Boss and I have been on it.
Oh, you've been on Dom's show? Yeah. Okay. Really? Absolutely. We don't. You've been on it. So you zoomed in? Yeah. Okay. You say it like you did something. You're like, you took him 45 minutes to fucking have a phone call with Dom Herrera. Oh, it's the Disney Yo! Dom show. We're here for another episode of Yo! Dom. Here we go.
I love it. Okay. So, when's the last time you were on a date with a girl? I want to try to get you laid, Kent. I know. Isn't that the right move? Fuck, fuck, get me laid. No, no, that's impossible. We're going to stick with Kent here. So...
Let me ask you this. What would be your move? You go on a date with a girl. Do you have your own apartment? No. You have a roommate? Yes. Do you have multiple roommates? I do. How many roommates do you have? Three. Okay. How many bedrooms in this place? It's a four-bedroom house. Four-bedroom house? You have three roommates. So every bedroom is taken. Yes. You have your own bathroom. No. How many people share your exact bathroom? Me and the guy across from me. One other guy across from you. This is a problem. Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. - Partay. - What? - What'd you say? - You're actually turning into a swan. I got a boner right now.
I almost did a spit take there, Don. That was fucking close. I did not see that one coming. Is the fourth bedroom empty? Like, can you, like, is that a fucking... No, there's somebody in every back bedroom. Yeah, Red Band's terrible at math. Four bedrooms, him and three roommates, Red Band. That's four. That's a total of four, everybody. God, it was three. No one needs your excuses. So, Kent, have you ever gotten a girl back to your place? No. No, never. Never.
Have you gone on a date since being in Austin? Yes. What did you do on this date? It ended up being really awkward. We were supposed to go to food trucks and then have like a picnic in the park with the food from the food truck. Smart. And we got to the food truck place and she wasn't hungry. So...
So we ended up just going to the park. Did you think about taking her to perhaps anything else? You just went and sat in a park? Well, originally we were going to do mini golf. Okay, what happened to mini golf? She didn't want to do that. She had no arms. She had very shaky arms.
Yeah, I don't know. At first, she was down for mini golf and then just changed her mind and wanted to do food instead. So she wanted to do food. And then wasn't hungry, yeah. And then wasn't hungry. How long did you hang out in the park with this broad? About two hours. About two hours, and you talked about what, your life and stuff? Yeah. So you're like, what do you do? You have siblings? She has no clue about comedy and was trying to ask me
Comedy questions, which is quite annoying. Yeah, that's the worst. She was asking me like how to write a joke. Oh, I know. I'm probably going to pull her out of the bucket next. This is terrible. This is terrible. Did you go on a date with Brian Licata? Yeah, exactly. So how do you edit a video? So wait, you just hit the button that says record in the corner? And then what? That's it?
Oh, I hate him so much. Oh, I just, my hatred boils over. My loins boil. No, not you. Poor Kent up here. Old shaky legs like me?
No, we're talking about a guy from earlier that was always leg shaking. Oh, shit. Sorry, Kent. Sorry to scare you there, little buddy. I like you, Kent. I like you a lot. The shelves are always stocked at H-E-B. I have no reason to hate you. You're the man. Everything's always pushed to the front. Everything's always perfectly stocked. I mean, it's right there. You ever notice that? Somebody takes something off a shelf and his story just runs right up with a replacement and kills it in.
Okay, so are there any single ladies in the audience? Clap your hands together. Yeah. Okay, who was that? Who was that? Stand up and do it again. Stand up. Who did that? That was rapid. Stand up. Oh, shit. Okay. Ken, what do you think? You see that out there? You can't see? I don't think it matters, Ken. You see her now? Oh, she's cute. Did you sign up? Yeah. You did? What's your name? She's a comic. Hannah Gray. And you're single? No.
If you... If I give you a minute, will you go on a date with Kent? Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Put that mic in the mic stand. Put the mic in the mic stand and stand backstage. I'm going to bring you back out here in a second. There goes Kent Hunter. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
This is how the magic happens. These two are going to fuck right now. Look at this. The romance is in the air. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, doing 60 seconds uninterrupted, from the audience, a representative of your own, make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Hannah Gray!
Fuck yeah, what's up, Austin? Hell yeah. So I'm divorced and retired for the same reason.
The good old gay United States Navy. What's up? No, it's fun. It's fun being a white woman looking like this, though, because, like, you know, I got a white woman up my military experience. Like, you know, I got that PTSD. You know, my only black friend told me, you know, it's OK as long as I don't add ER to it.
It's fine. It's fine. The other cute one is I got kablamzoed in the sandbox. Sounds a lot cuter than an IUD in Iraq, guys. What's up? It's fine. No, the other one is like getting back out on the dating apps and shit like that. Fellas, don't know who the fuck taught you how to slide into DMs, but hey, what's up? 10 inches question mark.
Sounds more like a Subway ad. Maybe that's just me. The other one that's fun is like a lot of guys just peg me, question mark. And it's like, I'm the last bitch you want going to your asshole. I don't know shit about it, but thank you. Okay, very likable. Well executed minute. I love that. Have you done stand-up before? Yeah, I do it in Colorado. In Colorado? What part of Colorado? Denver, actually. Okay.
Okay. Absolutely. My friend who did really good on the show said I could shout him out if I did okay. So, Brian Sullivan, what's up? There you go. Okay. You really wanted to get that out of your system. I did. Rich boss. This is great. Two people who have never been on a date are going to meet tonight. Okay.
Yeah. And they're both a little bit shaky. You're a little nervous too. I hear it in your voice. Yeah. Eleanor Kerrigan. This is love on the spectrum. This is fun. Oh, wow. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. I love your style. I actually, me and my entourage wear the same jacket sometimes when we go, you know, fuck, what the fuck? What the fuck was that? Yeah.
Tony's in the T-Birds. It's incredible. I love your style. So what branch of the military were you in? The Navy. The Navy, absolutely. What did you specialize in there? Oh, hell yeah. I fixed airplanes.
Okay, airplanes and the Navy. It was like the Air Force, but not. Okay. Yeah, they told me I was too fat, so the Navy hit me on the way out. Oh, my goodness. Let's go to boot camp, bitch. Look at that. Look at that. All right. Less gravy, more Navy. You know what I'm saying? Exactly.
I love it. I love it. So what do you do for work now? I'm a software engineer. Okay. Absolutely. I see why you, there's some, I could see why that would exist. What exactly do you do with software? Um, so I build apps. I'm actually building a comedy app right now. Is that a half skirt, half, what is that? What is that exactly? I got it off like an Instagram store and you know, it was just, is that what you thought you were buying? Yeah.
It's kind of like a wish.com situation. Did you buy that from a gay gladiator? Yeah, it looks like Cam Patterson's barber took scissors to it or something like that. This is amazing. What else are you into, Hannah? What do you do for fun? I grow mushrooms.
If we can't tell by the name. Hell yeah. All right. You grow a lot of mushrooms? Not a lot. I just started, but they're pretty easy. How often do you do mushrooms? Pretty consistently, honestly. That's the note she just hit there. Not every day. Okay. So you're single right now? Mm-hmm. And you're in Austin for a bit? Yeah, for the week. Okay. Okay.
Let's bring Kent Hunter back up here. Kent. Here he comes. Whoa. Oh, shit. There he is. Kent, I got good news for you. I found a girl that's definitely hungry.
This one is gonna be, I got, the bad news is she's not gonna wanna go to the park afterwards. Boot trucks only for this one, then you take her straight back to your place, you rush her past your roommates. Yep, just hop and skip and a jump. And then you throw her right down that pipeline, you know what I'm saying?
Kent, how do you feel about this situation? Have you ever lost your virginity to a girl with PTSD on mushrooms that... I can't say that I have. Well, she's going to turn your software into hardware real quick. I do believe. I think you have a chance here. Are you willing to go on a date with Hannah Gray? Sure. Okay. Doesn't seem excited about it. Let me ask you again. We'll edit that one out. Okay.
Uh, Kent, you want to go on a date with Hannah? Yeah. I love this. What night are you free this week, Kent? This fucking guy. This fucking picky, choosy motherfucker. I think Thursday. Thursday. Is Thursday good for you? Works for you. All right. You know what? I'm going to set this up. I'm going to get you guys, uh, I'm going to get you guys, uh,
What? Yeah, I'm going to send them to the secret show. Somebody said a room. I like that. Actually, that might kind of work. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, they go to dinner. I'm going to take care of dinner. I'm not going to say where. We'll keep it a secret location. But I'm going to get you guys reservations and I'll put fucking, I'll put fucking, what, 200 bucks. Yep, there you go. Lesbian yelling out numbers.
Jesus Christ almighty. I'll give 200 bucks to you guys. Secret location, you have dinner at 6.30 on Thursday and then you guys do spots at the secret show and then you fuck this shaky motherfucker's brains out. Deal? Sound like fun? Good? Ken, is that good? Ken's acting like I'm me-tooing him right now.
Look, this is gonna be good for you. The good news is you only have half a skirt to take off. All right? It's gonna be easy breezy. You bust a knot, and then you're one down. You're gonna have a whole new confidence after this. Okay, Kent? Who's excited about this? Kent's gonna lose his virginity Thursday night.
This is the craziest show on planet Earth. A lot of other shows, you win a briefcase or cash or something like that. We're going to have two threes fuck on Thursday. It's going to be incredible. There they go. Kent Hunter and Hannah Gray. A double date. Free dinner.
And then spots at the secret show. And then sex in a house with three roommates. Only on Kill Tony do dreams like this come true. Oh my God, too much fucking fun. Dom Irera. They seem a little like a retard. They're kind of a retard.
Brian has his work out. He has a lot of work on your show, doesn't he? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you. This guy, a polarizing figure in the history of the show. I absolutely love him. And I've always said offstage, he's so funny that I believe that every time...
that I think, I always said, I think he's gonna get better and better at standup comedy. The guy, the boy wonder has been doing spots all over the country. He misses no opportunity to hustle around, sell tickets and do long sets, trying to get better. Here with a brand new minute, I present to you the return once again
of Uncle Lazer, everybody. Here he is, live in the flesh. Oh shit, here he is. Oh my goodness. The Lizard Man himself, Uncle Lazer, everyone. Y'all like true love, y'all ain't gonna like this. I was reading the STD pamphlet in the Planned Parenthood this morning, and I just learned
That "PH" actually stands for "pussy health." Now, ladies, when it's off, y'all ain't got, like, a little check engine light that says, "Hey, I should go to the EBGON," 'cause this shit look contagious, right? I made love to a forklift driver the other day. I went down on her, and he always smells the same. Why does bad pussy always smell like Chernobyl?
This woman's pussy lips look like an iguana neck. Her clitoris was calloused over and hard, like an octopus beak. Easy to find, for once. My name's Uncle Lazer, thank y'all. - Okay, a minute.
Opportunities for laughter in there. Great set. Uncle Lazer. How much of that is true? That's frightening, the level of woman that you're hanging out with in this world. Well, for the joke purposes, I made her a forklift driver, but she's actually a nighttime ballerina. A stripper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A nighttime ballerina. She's a nice young lady now. I don't know if y'all know this,
I thought UTI was a lady disease. I didn't know men could get that. And I'm currently walking around with that shit right now. And what had happened was, is she had a yeast infection. I said, well, that don't bother me none. You know? We'll be fine, right? Right. It's the yeast of your worries. Yeast of my worries, yes.
And now my kidneys feel like they're going to explode. Oh, my God. How long have you had this UTI for? I think about it four weeks now. Yeah. That's what I was going to say because, again, believe it or not, I hang out with Uncle Lazer sometimes. And about three weeks ago, I remember you saying that you got a UTI and that your kidneys hurt. Well, I had taken care of it later since that point. And
But I hadn't finished the antibiotics all the way and then she had it too and we made like a super variant. - See, this is why, I mean, I just can't get enough. He's so entertaining and it's all real. Look how serious his face is right now. No shaky leg to be found on this motherfucker. He's calm and confident. - I've been drinking cranberry juice and vodka nonstop. I know, Brian, I know! But you like what you like!
The old Ric Flair. Yeah. Cranberries and vodkas. I know about that. But then the craziest part is like three days after, so I'm going to get taken care of. I had to go to Planned Parenthood and stuff, but she went to jail like three days later. Like big girl jail. They picked her ass up. She's still in jail. She had a warrant? I don't, she had a kangaroo.
They can only leave me believing she probably went to cartel in some fashion or form, right? Or I got to be. Hold on. She had a baby kangaroo. She owned one. That's not... You can't buy that at Petsmart.
Now, again, the interesting thing here, it sounds like he's crazy and silly and making stuff up, but I literally remember seeing one of your many posts, a lot of Instagram stories. You can almost always tell what Lazer's up to if you follow him on Instagram. And literally, I mean, I don't even fucking, I don't even like say, oh my God, what is that? Like, I'm not surprised by anything anymore in this guy's life.
And meanwhile, I did see a story, and I haven't even mentioned this to you, a kangaroo bouncing around in somebody's apartment, like with like roommates and shit. It seemed like the last guy's place you were at. And it's wearing a diaper. Well, you don't want any shit on carpet.
Okay. I'm just learning the indoor kangaroo game here. No one really devised a way to potty train them just yet because they're not supposed to be inside. You're not supposed to be domesticated by any stretch of the imagination. And so you go to her place. She has a kangaroo and a diaper hopping around. Do you pet it? What do you do? Like, that's fucking neat. You know, like, what the fuck am I supposed to say there? You know, like, I don't know. When them motherfuckers grow up, they're vicious.
You can't keep them in the house. There's no way. Like, they'll beat shit up. Did you see this kangaroo? Yeah, it was a baby. It was cool. It smelled like carrots or something. It smelled like a... I don't know the word I'm looking for, but it's a... Beast infection? Red band from the corn pocket, baby! Yeah!
Yeah, no, she put YSL perfume and shit on it, so it smelled like a woman. It was weird. That's expensive-ass perfume. I don't know if you know that, no? What's that? YSL. Do what now? Hell yeah. Absolutely. No, I know. Eleanor does not like this kind of guy. This is the complete opposite of camp. I don't know what this is. It's hard to understand, too, but I mean, I like it. I'm enjoying it. I love wrestling. You single? I'm good. Hell yeah.
Shooter's gonna shoot, you know? - No cam, all crayon. That's what this guy is. So when are you getting this UTI checked out? - Well, I got the medication now. - Oh, okay. - I got it this morning. - Okay. - But yeah. - Have you taken it yet? - Yeah, yeah, I took some today. And I took like some painkillers. They didn't prescribe it, I had some.
But, like, let me ask the ladies in here a genuine question. Like, so, my mama's from the 80s, and she's different, all right? She fucked Metallica, Alice Cooper, okay? Different times. She's a different type of woman. And she used to douche with vinegar. That's the thing, though. Like, I mean, that was a thing, right? And then I guess the cosmopolitan come out and say, your pussy clean as hell. It's not working. At least with ladies I know.
What is your question exactly? Can you also use oil? Yeah, so I don't even know where I was going with that, man. They can do the suppository. Now, you know if you put a suppository in your vagina, it'll kill whatever you got, but if you put it in your mouth and eat it, it'll kill you? That's strange to me. If you eat a suppository, it'll kill you. If you put it in your vagina, boom, you're brand new. You know what I'm saying? That pussy's the bomb, you know what I'm saying?
Like a boric acid? Yeah, I think that's what it's called. I might be fucking up the word, but... There you go. You're good. You get them at farmer's markets. You just call everything you don't know vinegar? Well, you can drink vinegar and it won't kill you. That's the point I'm trying to make. Oh, okay. Some wise, wise chewing tobacco wisdom from Uncle Lazer. He's like an oxymoron. How are you not a health teacher? Oh, I'm a felon. You're a felon?
That's pretty obvious. What are the odds? It says it right on his throat. Yeah. Laser, another fun minute, another fun interview. There he goes, Uncle Laser. We're going to keep it moving now. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, pull another name out of the bucket. You guys still hanging in there? Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds for Austin Young, everybody. Austin Young, here we go.
How's it going? I'm single. I need a lady in my life, and not for companionship or anything. I'm almost 30 years old, and I don't own a bowl. I'm a single bowl, man. I've just been eating cereal out of containers that were designed to store ham, and I'll be honest, man, I was far too content with it. Like, I was ready to live the rest of my life like that until I had a lady over, and she's like, hey, where are your bowls? And I'm like, I don't have any.
And she's like, "I want you to know, this is a huge red flag." I'm like, "Ooh, any other red flags I should know about?" She's like, "Yeah, guys that don't have headboards." I'm like, "Bitch, you think I got headboard money? I ain't got balls. Plus, you know how ridiculous a headboard would look on an air mattress?" That's fucking...
All right, thank you guys so much. 57 seconds from Austin Young. You've been on this show before. Welcome back, Austin. Yes, sir. Third time. I love it. Welcome, welcome. How did that feel for you? Felt very good. So what do you eat the cereal out of? Out of Ham Bowls, Oscar Mayer Bowls. You can reuse them. Ham Bowls. Yeah, Ham Bowls. Hillstar Farms. Those got some depth to it. Oh, my God. I'd clean it.
Like the thin plastic? The plastic bowls, yeah. You eat cereal out of... How many times do you refill those? I mean, usually till the box is gone, but... Wow. Wow.
You're a very big boy, Austin. I am a big boy. I would expect you eating cereal out of like a bathtub or something like that, and here you are. Oh my, man, that's a good-ass idea, dude. Yeah, just remember to plug the hole at the bottom. Of course, yeah. Rich Vox. Now, what do you drink your meatloaf milkshakes out of? The blender.
Great answer. Absolutely. You are a master improviser of food. So you really don't have a headboard? I don't, no. Do you really have an air mattress? I mean, I used to, but I'm doing pretty good. I got a mattress now. It's just a mattress on the floor. Right, it's just a deflated air mattress. Yeah, yeah. Eleanor? That air mattress would squeak the way this squeaks without oil. Oh, yeah, exactly. Hee!
I can't even imagine what that air mattress went through with you on it. So now you have a real mattress but no headboard. No headboard. How far are we from the headboard? I mean, I could get one, but I just don't want to carry it up to my apartment. It's fucking...
Okay. You have a second story apartment? Yeah, it's like two floors. I got to walk it up. It's a real bitch. Second story would be two floors. That is correct. Do you walk things up the stairs sometimes? All the time, man. But not a headboard? Not a headboard. Not for you? No. You've made the decision? I have. I'm contempt. Okay. Now I understand.
What do you do for work, Austin? I'm a truck driver. You're a truck driver. I drive trucks. You drive trucks, yes? That's right. A truck driver drives a truck, and the second story has two sets of stairs. We're learning a lot here. Yeah.
All right. What's your route lately? I go down to Laredo. Okay. Yeah. Can you tell us what you like to do? You stop off anywhere? Are you a Buc-ee's guy? What do you do? Oh, they don't let trucks in Buc-ee's, but I just dip all night and then just listen to podcasts and whatnot. It's pretty cool.
Okay. I scream to keep me awake. That's nice. You really do that? Yeah, I'll just scream. Does that work? Oh, it works. Can you put the microphone down by your waist and just show us what your actual scream in your truck sounds like? Don't do it into the mic. All right. That's a good scream. Yeah, thank you. That's what girls do when he walks into a room. Stop.
What is your love life like, Austin? I'm doing alright. I actually hooked up with a lady in Dallas after that Adam Ray weekend, so that was cool. Okay, that's right. Shout out, Gabby. Your pussy felt real good. Thank you. Whoa! Shout out to Gabby. She's actually a big fan of the show, too. She's a big fan of the show? Yeah.
Wow, the pussy felt real good. Better than a normal pussy or average? I mean, better than the average bear, but it just really felt nice. And you went, no condom? No, I mean, I was like, I had some, and I'm like, I forgot. I lost some. He's got a sweet face. I'd let him get away with that. I forgot, okay.
My goodness gracious. Absolutely incredible. So how did this Gabby situation happen? She hung out with you after the show or something? Yeah, she met me. I did a show in Fort Worth like the week before and then she started to follow me and then... On Instagram? Yes, on Instagram. So I just hit her up and saw she was in Dallas. I was like, hey, I'm going to be opening for Adam Ray if you wanted to come. You put her on your guest list. I sure did. Look at you. Yeah.
Sweet, sweet boy. Yeah. And next thing you know, you're in some good pussy. It was some great pussy. Wow. Yeah. How long do you think you lasted with her? You have a lot of stamina? What's that? Oh, yeah. I got my recovery. He's like a son of a bitch. So you go again. Oh, yeah. What type of recovery were you talking about here? The ladies are all very... Oh, that's a guy. They're all very interested. It's all right. He's cute. Yeah.
No, it's like, it doesn't take long. It's just a couple minutes. Couple minutes? Yeah. Wow, look at you. Do you do anything special to fucking get it hard again? You like reverse scream or something? Yeah. Just think how good that pussy felt. I usually does it. You just think about it again. You use your imagination two minutes later. The quicker I get harder, you know, I get to put it back in there. That's actually a good point. This man states a lot of very obvious things. Yeah.
He's a truck driver. He drives trucks. Lives on the second story. Two flights of stairs. You get your dick hard, the quicker you get to put it in again. Absolutely unbelievable. The man of many, many known things that lets us know. Very simplistic. Keep it simple, buddy. Do you eat pussy too? Oh, of course. Legs, neck, and torso? Oh, that's right. I never miss a meal, dude. Okay.
God damn right. God damn right. No one's gonna argue that. The proof is in the pudding and you eat that too. Of course, I love pudding. You fucking love pudding. That's right. Now a guy like you, cause like I'll eat a cup of pudding, right? And I'll be like, that's barely any pudding, right? I was just getting started with this pudding. Now I'm done with it. It seems like a guy like me and you should not be eating the same. Do you eat more than one cup of pudding? I might have two. Look at that.
Look at that, absolutely. That usually satisfies my pudding craze. Have you ever binged a food in which even you're like, Jesus, what have I done? Oh, every time I go to Rapolo's. Rapolo's is your food? I have a whole pizza. You have a whole pizza to yourself? Not a whole pizza, but I could get like half of it. I'm like, that was a lot. Wow. It's a big pie. Wow. Incredible.
You're talking about a large or an extra large? The extra large, of course. Wow, that's like the size of a headboard. It is. Have you ever thought about...
That headboard wouldn't last in my apartment. Goddamn right it would. Goddamn right. Okay. Austin, you've been on this show before. Yes, sir. You have a big joke book. You did it again. Another good minute. Another good interview. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you guys so much. Yeah. Finally got a bucket pool that's actually here. Four people left. I don't know how that happens. What? Oh, South by people. Oh.
Oh, that'll do it. Weird festival goers that signed up and then left. Very weird.
But the good news is, is I finally got somebody that is here and he's a young legend of the show. This guy did so good on his debut episode of the show that we had him perform in a fucking arena at the age of, I think he's 16 or 17 or something crazy. What is it? 17. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from 17 year old Holden DeShazo, everybody. Hell yeah.
What's up? How you guys doing? Alright, yeah, it is true. I just turned 17. Just turned 17. Fuckable in a year. You know, one more year until I don't have to lie about my age on porn sites. I'm pretty excited about it. I did have a joke about abortion, but it's still in the early stages of development, so I'll leave it alone. You know, I've been starting to notice a lot of acne on my face. I know we've all gotten it.
But I've been Googling to see how to get rid of it. Turns out I have to quit doing something I'm not willing to give up. Have to quit jerking off. I don't want to stop. But I do it so much that one of my buddies told me, Holden, you have to quit choking your chicken. I'd never heard this before. But I choked mine so much that I gave it a name. You guys want to hear the name? I named it George Floyd. Um...
The go-- hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. The good news is that the cop that killed him is probably being forced to choke a lot of chickens these days himself. Maybe he's into it, I don't know, but based on the given clues, I think it's safe to say that he's into erotic asphyxiation. All right, that's it. Thank you, guys.
Okay, wow. Hard to tag a good choking the chicken George Floyd joke. It's hard to fucking, hard to follow that. I loved that joke, by the way. I don't think you need a tag on that. Me and Rich Voss made five seconds of eye contact after that going like that. That's a pretty good sign.
Wow, you choke the chicken so much that you call it George Floyd. That is absolutely incredible. Wow. I mean, a 17-year-old can get away with that joke. That's the good news. Thank God y'all's phones are locked up. Damn.
Thank God what? Their phones are locked up. Oh yeah, absolutely. Unfortunately, this will be on YouTube in three weeks. It's Kill Tony. We can talk about it. We can talk about it. Absolutely. You took a shot. You actually made it. It worked. The joke works. It is an anomaly. It's a great joke. It is. It is.
I'm trying to think of tags that you could possibly say, but all of mine basically sound like they're written by Dom Irera. They all end in the N-word. I'm just kidding, Dom. Don't do it, Dom. Don't do it. Have you ever thought about saying that you inject your penis with fentanyl right before Okie Dokie? George Floyd was at a...
Ah, okay, I see where you're going. He was a fentanyl guy. He was a fentanyl fan. Yeah, he was at a, what's it called, an overdose amount of fentanyl at the time. What a crazy coincidence that that would happen at the same moment. I mean, what are the odds? It's almost like a fucking anomaly. So Holden, let's talk about it. When you do jokes like that, do you think, I'm 17, I can get away with anything? No.
I know people legally can't fuck me up over them, so... That's true. And you also know that the only black guy on the stage that can see has to jump over a blind guy to be able to attack you. That's true. If he's offended. That's true. And the blind guy's not going to be able to spot you. He's going to swing right above your head. You're going to duck out and under.
and you're gonna be just fine. Has anyone ever been offended by a joke of yours? Like when you're out doing open mics and stuff or anything like that? - I mean, they haven't voiced it, but I've gotten a lot of like, well, with that joke, I've gotten a lot of like, ooh. - Right. - Like just all across the board. - Right. - Nobody's brave enough to be the one guy to laugh at it. - Right. Exactly. - Maybe they're worried about your dead dick. - Possibly. - Do you have a headboard?
Do you have a headboard? That's a great question. You're 17 years old. Do you happen to have a bed that has a headboard? I do. There you go. Look at that. Absolutely. Mom's taking good care of you. There's Mrs. DeShazo right over there. We've met her before, yeah. If you're under 21, you have to be accompanied by a parent here. So this hot mom is standing right over there.
I'm like afraid to make eye contact. I feel like Chris D'Elia. I'm just going to look down. This is a reverse D'Elia, a woman with a younger boy. Holden, what else has been going on in life? You're 17. Give us the ways of a, what's it like being a 17-year-old in Texas nowadays? A lot of man ladies out there. Okay. A lot of those. Okay. A lot of those. Oh, there's one right here. Look at this. Ah!
I spoke it into existence. Yeah. It's fucking, uh... Yeah. And, uh... Well, because before I was homeschooled, I went to a private... Or a public school. And there were a lot of those running around. There was a lot of man girls at the private school. Or a public school. Public school. Yeah, because I held a door open for one girl. So I thought. Yeah. And I... And she... They... Whatever. Goes...
Look at you, a 17-year-old correcting your pronouns. I love it. This is what it's like being a kid now, I guess. She said, thank you. And I said, yes, ma'am. My bad for being respectful. And she was like, it's sir. And I was like, no, it's not. I love it. I love it. Anything else crazy we should know about going on Holden? What else? I got a girlfriend. Whoa! Yeah!
I love it. We do. I love it. Where'd you meet this girl at? At a homecoming last year. Okay. That's absolutely adorable. So you took her to homecoming? Well, I didn't take her. I took another girl and met her there. Okay. Oh, shit. Look at you, balling out of control. Literally, it seems like you are the most sexually active person other than Uncle Laser on tonight's lineup. Yeah.
Which is crazy because you're 17. Yeah. We also had a guy that is a virgin up earlier and I do believe he's in his 30s. So congratulations, Holden. Thank you. You are doing absolutely perfect. Thank you. Met her there and then we started talking and kind of went away and then she... D-Madness is ridiculously excited about you being in a straight relationship. He's famously homophobic. I don't know if you guys know this.
But he literally celebrates a boy going on a date with a girl nowadays. This is what the world has come to. Praise Jesus. Goddamn right. Holden, we love you. You're killing it. You're 17. Nothing can stop you. There he goes. Holden DeShazo, everybody. A little glimpse of the future right there.
Come on, you guys can do better than that. Make some noise for Holden DeShazer. There we go. All right, we ready to put a fucking ribbon on this thing or what? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kill Tony Hall of Famer, the record holder all time for appearances on the show. Minutes done and interviews done. He is known as the Baron of Biloxi, the Prince of Pint House Palace, the...
Duke of abricorn. Not a lot of people know that he's the real Duke of abricorn. The Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla. This is indeed the big red machine. The one and only lights out. William Montgomery, everybody.
Probably a good thing that Alec Baldwin didn't get the role of Oppenheimer. We all know what he can do with a gun. Imagine a nuclear bomb. A mother was recently jailed after it was revealed that her five-year-old daughter was helping her do Brazilian waxes. The only thing I'm confused about is since when did cleaning floors become illegal? LAUGHTER
I'm still working on my rap career. I got a new line. It's call me Captain Hook because I just gave your bitch a roofie. Yo! That's all I got. 57 seconds from William Montgomery. Yes, sir. William, you look a little different. Yeah. Healthy. Yeah, you seem healthier. You shaved your head. Been doing pilots.
Or is it Pilates? Oh my goodness. The legend has arrived. Kill Tony, Hall of Famer, record holder for all time appearances on this show. This is... Oh, wait a second. Tony! Tony!
Tony, hang on a minute. Who is this? No kidding, it's my brother. Wow, your brother. Oh my goodness. The crowd goes wild. This is absolutely incredible.
- Oh my God. - A first in the history of Kill Tony. This man been performing every Monday for over five years, constantly reinventing a wheel that has never even been created before and yet here you are pushing it to a brand new limit. The same exact height, the same exact color beard, the same exact color eyes, the exact same voice.
There is a blatant, you guys laugh the same, your beards shake when you laugh. It is absolutely incredible. This is an anomaly. Unlike anything we've ever seen before, we have an absolute Montgomery mayhem happening right now. William, what is your brother's name? Selden. Selden.
I love it. Absolutely. I couldn't even tell which one said that. Wow. William, how do you feel tonight? What's going on with you? I feel...
Honestly, a little weird. Selden was wonderful. I feel wonderful about this. He just moved here. But Tony, I literally, I get here. First thing I hear is that Lance Armstrong is in the crowd tonight. I was a cyclist. I grew up loving Lance. And then my fucking mom tells his ass when he's getting a drink back there that I had posters all over my wall of him. And it kind of, I feel like I lost street cred with Lance. Yeah.
So that's honestly, again, it's so exciting and wonderful. Seldon's here, but I feel like I blew my fucking shot with really meeting Lance. Did you get to meet him? Yeah, briefly, but I was starstruck, and I was like... Surprise. Big fan. I love it. How about a hand for Austin's own Lance Armstrong, everybody? In the house tonight. Don't bother turning around. You can't see him. He's in the dark, protected from you normal peasants. Nice.
From you fucking non-fucking super athletes. He used to beat the fuck out of Jan Ulrich! That's right! Goddamn motherfucking right! Lance, I used to love it when you used to beat Jan every year! Goddamn right. We love Lance Armstrong. He is... Austin is so wild. What's funny, you bitch? What the fuck?
I'm trying to have fun with Lance Harshal, bitch!
It is a crazy life we have. Lance Armstrong is now golf buddies with Tony Hinchcliffe and the world will never be the same. I'm already getting us matching jackets so I can go around and roast people with Lance Armstrong flanking me on one side, Johnny Manziel on the next, Gary Clark Jr., you name it. We're doing a fucking Austin Mount Rushmore thing.
And William's brother is also going to be part of my entourage now. This is very exciting. So, William, one thing I want to talk about because it is in the fucking zeitgeist. I cannot believe it. Round of applause. How many of you watched the UFC on Saturday night? Woo!
How many of you in the co-main event, I mean, this is crazy. I mean, I cannot believe it because let me tell you guys a quick story. So Dustin Poirier stuns the world in the co-main event, hits a Frenchman that's a freak of nature known literally as the God of War.
in the side of the head and stunningly knocks him out. He was a tremendous underdog, even though he's a fucking legend, future UFC Hall of Famer, Dustin Poirier, knocks out this young buck that was totally supposed to beat him. He keeps going for this choke the whole time. In the post-interview that only lasts 30 seconds, if you know UFC,
Rogan goes, what was your plan of action or whatever? And Dustin goes, my corner kept telling me to not do the guillotine. He ain't never gonna stop doing the guillotine. And he literally said, they told me to stop doing the guillotine choke, but I ain't never gonna stop doing the guillotine choke.
And I literally, I remember because I walked away, I was smoking a cigarette, but I had it playing on my Sonos sound system, state-of-the-art Sonos sound system. Thank you, gel blaster. Anyway, but I remember hearing that and thinking, that's fucking crazy. That sounds like a William Montgomery reference, but...
Calm your ego, Tony, because I don't know Dustin Poirier is a fan, and Sugar Sean O'Malley, who's a huge fan and legend on the show, is in the main, main event. There's no way Dustin Poirier knows anything about Kill Tony, and then he messages you. Woo! Woo!
No, I messaged Sim, Tony. Oh, you messaged Sim. I messaged Sim. Yeah, I don't want him to beat my ass. Hold on, we have to be careful here. No, yeah. But the point is, is you guys talked. He's a big fan. Yeah, he confirmed. So all the little pieces of shit on fucking Reddit, yeah. He was talking about my fucking ass, you idiot. Yeah.
He literally said on Twitter earlier today, this is all happening so fast, somebody goes, was your never gonna stop in reference to William Montgomery? And he literally said, yes. He tweeted out, yes. So to think that you're, you know, here you are every week at the end of the show and you are literally in the cosmos of entertainment. I mean, everybody's watching. Lance, are you hearing this? Yes.
Lance, you're getting all this right. Bro, if you get Lance Armstrong to drop, I ain't never gonna stop at some point when he beats people in a fucking race. That would be absolutely incredible.
So how did you feel? Were you watching the fights when Dustin said that? I was watching it, but we didn't have the volume up, so I didn't hear it. My brother Vance in it. So yeah. Yeah, that was a fun little awesome. Who did that? That was kind of a fun... Wow. Wow. God, you're an idiot. Yeah.
What did you just say? God, I'm an idiot? You're an idiot. Okay, bitch. I'm so okay. Holy shit. You bothered me the first fucking time. You bothered me every fucking time. Every time. Trying to get Lance Orson on my side, bitch! Uh-oh, Pauly Shore is back, everybody.
Yeah, Pauly, come on. Pauly! Pauly Shore, the mayor of the Comedy Store, has full permission to interrupt Kill Tony anytime he wants. We have an agreement. I just didn't know because I know you talked to me earlier. Hi, you guys. What's going on? Hi. Sauna! I was in the other room. Just so you know, I was just in the little room, which is the little boy room. Give it up for the little boy room. Okay, no...
But I was saying some really nice stuff about you. That's my point. You what? I was saying some beautiful things. I'm like, next door, Tony. You know what I mean? Tony's here. So you told a smaller showroom that there was a better show going on in the other room. Yeah, but the thing is, the thing is, the soul is in the fucking smaller showroom because that's where the shit's really developed. This is fucking too big corporate for me.
Pauly, you just came out. You would have picked up this fucking microphone. When the curtain opened, I'm like, this is amazing. Lance came down to make a fucking appearance and it's a double Pauly Shore. Sorry. I just did some drugs in the back. Sorry. What kind of drugs did you do? With the razor guy. The fucking razor guy's crazy. Laser, laser. Pauly Shore. We like it. Stevie Wonder. We're good. We're good. We're good.
I like you. I like you. Put some Vaseline. We're good. We're good. I love it. Pauly, what do you think about William and his brother here? Have you ever seen... I saw his brother's beautiful... Do you ever see the movie Mississippi Burning? He looks like the fucking grandchild of the dude from Mississippi Burning, dude. All right, we're going to put a picture of that up over the podcast so that anybody in the world knows what you're talking about. There's a green... He said that it's a good movie.
That's what he just said in Mississippi style. That's what he said. I don't know what's going on right now. What kind of drugs did you do with Uncle Razor? He had some herpes medication. He gave it to me.
He told me to start it. He told me to start it. Pauly went from MTV to UTI real quick. This is incredible. But he's a good guy. He wants me to hang out with him in his trailer park deep somewhere far from here. I'll be down. What? I'll be down. Yeah, he's coming too. What? Absolutely. D Madness, huge Pauly Shore fan. He's watched all your movies. Much like how William watches the UFC, he watches with the volume down.
Okay, how about a hand for Pauly Shore, everybody? Pauly, you want to sing a song or something to take us out or something like that? Get us out of here. Dom Irera has the hit podcast, Yo Dom. How about a hand for Dom Irera? Why don't we go?
Eleanor's new special No Country for Old Women is out now on the YouTube Comedy Store. Name a song, Paulie, so they can start playing. The good times roll since fucking Tony Hinchcliffe has created a fucking monster here in motherfucking Austin, Texas. The good times roll. RichBoss.com. Get out of
out and buy some merch buy a shirt at rich boss.com r-i-c-h-v-o-s let the good times roll thank you talk space square space shout out to all the amazing people that are out here south by southwest weekend is insane shout out to the great peter shore paulie's brother is out there fucking killing it scott scott scotty's here the whole shore family is here mitzi is here in spirit all
This whole thing is completely a fucking, an absolute spin-off of what she's created with the Comedy Store. The closest thing to a mother that I have in the world that isn't my actual mother. The great, late, great Mitzi Shore, everybody. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebal is in. The drawing from Chris Rogers is over there. Let's let the good times roll. Play some fucking music. Sing it, Pauly. Cheers. Cheers.
Wait, wait, wait. We gotta have the girl that was handing out drinks dance too. Heidi, get up here. Come on, Heidi. Where's Heidi at? The stunning Heidi is here. Yeah. There she goes. No, dance with him. Dance with him. Here we go. Two, three, four. He's not dancing. That's not the good times roll. That's like some weird stop, stop. The cars, good times roll, bro. Two, three, four.
You think the band doesn't know this song? Let the good times roll. Let the good times roll. What the fuck are you throwing me under the bus for? He's texting his friend. Matt's texting D-Madness right now. I don't know what's happening.
No, no, no. They don't know it. They're a little bit younger than you, Pauly. You have a newer song? Why don't we do Flowers by Miley Cyrus? Everyone likes that. The girls, right? Flowers by Miley Cyrus.
It sounds like this. Wait, cut, cut. It sounds like the fucking same song you just played. You guys are trying to get rid of me, dude. That's not fucking cool. No, you started Let the Good Times Roll with the chorus. There's verses. Do you know the verses? The blind guy's friends fucking got it. What? Let the stories be so old. Let them share what they want.
Let the stories be told. Let them show what you want. There's people Googling how they can get a refund in the audience. Let the good times. That's it. Where are you going? What the fuck? No, dance. Where are you going? Tom Irere, everybody. Tom Irere, thank you guys for coming out.
the podcast Yo Dom every week. Pauly, sing me, son of a bitch. Oh, there goes Pauly Shore. Pauly Shore, everybody. Pauly Shore!
Eleanor's new special is out. RichVoss.com. Tickets for Madison Square Garden and the Forum. I think we just released a few more. They're out there. Very, very little time left. It's all happening, folks. Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Gel Blaster, Talkspace, and Squarespace. Everybody have a good time tonight?
Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, sunsetstripatx.com. I love you guys. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Welcome to another round of Drawing Board or Miro Board. Today we discuss technical diagramming with systems architect Maya. Let's go. First question. You've spent 10 hours slogging over a sequence diagram that should have taken five. Drawing Board or Miro Board? Drawing Board. Drawing Board.
And if I'm being honest, Miro would probably cut that time down by half. You know, with its AI tools and ready-to-go templates. Next, your diagrams become so bulky, it's more complex than the solar system. But all it takes is a few clicks and... It's Miro. I've used those technical shape packs way too many times. Now, the final question. Everyone's brought in, but you have to make all these tasks all the time.
Get started today at M-I-R-O dot com slash diagram now.
