#656 - MARK NORMAND + DAN SODER
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Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Thanks so much for Red Band, everybody. Yeah, you did it. You made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world right now. How we feeling tonight?

Yeah, baby. This is indeed Kill Tony brought to you by Squarespace, Shopify, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, and Gel Blaster. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Joining us tonight, special guest Terrell Shahid over there on the saxophone. Austin, local legend. Of course, on the drums, the great and powerful Michael Gonzalez. Thank you.

Matt Muehling is out touring tonight. We are here with the band leader, the legend, every show in Austin, Texas, the one and only John Dees on the keys. And fan favorite, and one of my own personal favorites, the great Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everyone. A lot of fun stuff planned for tonight's episode. Before we start it, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. ♪

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Well, well, well. You know, thank God I might be one of the best fucking comedy bookers on planet Earth because when I smell talent, I attack. It's always been that way. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present you two of the best goddamn comedians on planet Earth and two of our favorite guests in the history of the show. Two of my funniest friends. Make some noise for Dan Soder and Mark Norman. Yeah!

Let's fucking go. High-ranking, elite guests of the show. Two of our favorites. Two of the funniest. New York's finest. New York's finest. Not just at comedy, but at life. On 9-11, they were...

saving people, pulling them from the buildings. Oh, how about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? I mean, holy shit. Right when this sausage fest got a little too sausagey, here she is to add a little feminine energy, some good mojo. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Follow her at GinaAAA.HG. It's the worst Instagram handle of all time.

Completely hot. Worst marketing of all time for a hot chick. Literally. Gina is not even her name. Her name is Heidi and her Instagram is Gina with three A's dot HG. Yeah, it makes no sense. I've been calling her Gina all night. Well...

It's also weird that her Instagram handle is like a tough Wi-Fi password. Yeah. Yeah. No, it really is. It's absolutely ridiculous. Anyway, we're happy to have you guys. Welcome. We have one more special treat, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest band members in the history of the show is here joining us. Ladies and gentlemen, you know her, you love her. This is the great Jetski Johnson, everybody. Hey!

Oh, shit. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Only the old school fans know about that shit. Jetski's hilarious. And she also plays the horn, but she has a live mic and is absolutely phenomenally, phenomenally hilarious. And when she is, when she says something funny afterwards, everybody goes vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. You guys get it? Do it. Vroom. You have to do louder than that. Try again.

Okay, there you go. You guys get it. I like that. Hell yeah. It's fun. You'll see when it happens in action. She's a fucking little sniper.

Hi, Jetski. Hey. I'm no Heidi. I'm all personalities. And it has begun. There you go, motherfuckers. Absolutely. Other than that, you guys know how it works. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get 60 seconds on this stage. We'll let this little hanger fucking go up first.

And while we wrangle the first comedian, and as you know, they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up, and then they bring out the Angry Best Hollywood Bear. And then we interview them. We talk to them about anything that could be happening in their lives or what makes them interesting or what might be funnier for them to talk about. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

While we grab the lucky human that will be going first out of our bucket pools, we have a regular on this show. He has been starting every episode for the last few weeks. He's an absolute fucking sensation, a local icon, a comics comic, and also a fans comic, an absolute freak of nature, a bundle of energy, a power source. He literally is like a solar panel.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from Casey Rocket! The world is a vampire. Hell yeah. There we go. Very cool. Hell yeah. Maybach music. All right. Very cool. Get lost, God. I'm riffing for two tonight, boys. I'm pregnant. Okay. Cool. Get lost, God. Nights like this, I wish I was still covered in mud hiding from the predator. You know what I mean?

Hoping he'd get close so I could steal a kiss, alright? I gotta get out of here. I got a date tonight, fellas! Yeah, her name, Hot Singles. Her location, in my area. The sex, casual and anonymous. No strings attached. Is she HIV positive? Oh no. Is she gonna try to steal my wallet later? Oh yeah. Is it a decoy wallet? Oh hell yeah.

I'll take it. I'll end it on that. Thank you. Oh my God. And that is the launch of my Casey rocket. Thank you. An absolute force of fucking nature. And meanwhile, you've done it again. Thank you boys. Happy to be here. Hello. He's also running for mayor. Uh,

The pleasure's all mine, Tony. Happy to be here in the 21st District of Austin today. Absolutely. Zero laughs. Okay. Sorry about that. It was going good. It was going good before. Oh, shit. In the moment, Wild, the great Jack the Riffer, some people call him. You have a lot of these nicknames, right? Cal Rifkin Jr., yeah. Riffy Longstockings, the boy who riffed. Oh, oh, oh. The Hack Brown Band.

No, that's not one of them, actually. Ken Riffey Jr., perhaps? Ken Riffey Jr., yep. Riff Raff? Riff Raff, yeah. Choosy Moms choose Riff? Yes! Yeah, Riffs, it's what's for dinner. Yeah, Riffrin Strokes for Riffrin folks. That's right, yeah. Stuff like that. What are you talking about, Tony? Red Band got excited on that one.

I love it. So what's been going on, Casey Rockett? Everything good? Been good. Yeah, I was in Chicago Thursday, Wisconsin Friday, rally yesterday. Been going around. It's been going good. So I've been doing that. Philly tomorrow. Big laughs. Wow. You're just flying around. Flying around. Riffing around the world. You said rally yesterday. What kind of rally was it? Was there a tiki torch? I don't know.

He really does look like he sets up the rallies. Yeah. Yeah. You look like the first half of the show, Intervention. Yeah. Yeah.

It's not true. It's not true. Now, the interesting thing about Casey is that, and I don't want to blow your cover or get too personal, but you're sober, right? Yeah, I'm sober. I've been sober for years. Yeah. Maybach music. Thank you. Damn, dude, that must have been a wild ride when you were it. Yeah. Yeah.

Tell us some stories. Yeah. There's some residual stuff going on for sure upstairs. AIDS? AIDS, yeah. Yeah, you don't get sober from that. That's permanent. That's true. It does appear as though you did do enough drugs to just last. Ride the wave. Casey, can I ask you a personal question? Absolutely. Was it huffing? No.

Yeah, we used to huff. Ether. Yeah. Nice. Ether, air duster. Whippets. Whippets. Yeah. Yeah. Good tie-in. You need any? You got whippets? We can get them. Yeah, I used to huff. Yeah. Hilary Duff huff. Yeah, I used to huff. Yeah. That's all about it. Yeah, there's a demographic for huffing. Are you a religious guy? Mm-mm. No. Where do you get your energy?

Wait, do you think that's what religious people are like? Yeah. Do you think they just get their energy from God? Yes. He's got the Lord in him. He thought it was from God. He really does. He does. Do you think you're crafting some Pentecostal shit and you get fucking nuts? You got born-again Christian vibes. Yeah.

It is true. You ever go to church, Casey? No. Really? No, not me. What happens if you step inside of a church? Turn to stone, I guess. Yeah. He really would look like he could crawl on the ceilings without notice. You're like, oh, my God. He's here. That's going to haunt me later. Just take a straw, put it right in the holy water, let him know you're there. Yeah.

Yum. Yeah. I love it, Casey. Atheist.

I thought you said Casey-ist. I was like, yeah, I get it. Sorry. I'm a Casey-ist. Well, I think you have a new name for your fans. Casey-ist? Yeah. There you go. Yeah, Casey enthusiast. We were in Chicago on Thursday and a big Casey Rocket crowd. And this guy, I guess, ate too many edibles and he passed out in the second row. He, like, fell on his face and had to do a fucking riff resurrection. Had to bring him back. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

The second riffing. What? Yeah. Jesus Christ, Michael. God damn. That China man. That's very scary. Jesus, that is like you're trying to show anger. Oh.

Casey, you're an absolute fucking machine. No better way I can imagine in the world to get an episode of this show started with your energy, with your jokes, your fucking bing, bing, boom, boom. You truly are the Riff Master. Hell yeah. So fun. Thank you.

Make some fucking noise for KC Rocket, ladies and gentlemen. That is how you do it. The regulars of Kill Tony are freaks of nature. Now we go to the bucket. Now this is where we found all of the regulars. This is where anything can happen. Maybe it's the best set we've ever seen in the history of the show. Maybe it's the worst. Maybe they're a genius. Maybe they're insane. Maybe they're a 20-year veteran. Maybe it's their first time.

Your first bucket pool of the night, getting 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Raul Sanchez. And here we go. - Thank you. I like drinking, man. It makes me a pleasant human being. Sometimes I get a little too fucked up though. Like one time I got so drunk, I caught myself speeding on the highway 'cause I confused the number of the highway with the speed limit sign. I was like, "97, fuck."

That was pretty specific, no? Then I thought, I better go 92 just to be safe. You know how the cops are around here, man. You guys never got that fucked up? Dude, one time I was at a bar, I got hammered, right? I started talking to this chick, and we hit it off, right? So I decided to buy one of those condoms from the machines in the bathroom. Yeah, and then later that night, we were about to get it on, I opened it up, and it was two Advil. I'm like, what?

But I was so drunk, I was like, man, technology's come a long way. Oh, my goodness gracious. Raul Sanchez has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. With an unbelievable minute. Thank you, it's my turn. Oh, my goodness. Now, Raul, I know you. You're a fucking great comedian from Dallas, am I correct? San Antonio. San Antonio, that's right. Yeah.

You were on this show there, correct? No. No? No, this is my first time. But I know you from, how did you end up opening for me then? I opened for you in Cap City when I used to live here. That's right. And you were coming down here all the time. That's right. Yeah. And I had you do it a few times after that, right? Yeah, a couple of times. I think two or three times I featured for you. Because you're fucking hilarious. I appreciate it. Look at you. I love it. Now you're in the mix here. That was great. Yeah, man. Yeah, Mike Norman. Yeah.

That was killer. You're really good, and in true Mexican fashion, you're going to take our jobs. Yeah, it is true. Dan. What I love about Raul is he feels like you're just hanging out with a dude you work with that you get drunk with, and you're like, dude, Raul's fucking hilarious. You hear him talk about highways? It's fucking nuts. It's all the landscaping guys getting together. Yeah.

And then they call him gay for being too funny. Right, right. Tell me about it. So Raul...

You're a freak of nature. How long have you been doing stand-up? 13 years. 13 motherfucking years. I love that. I love that people that have been doing it that long sign up for the show. You come here, you fucking flex, you showcase your goddamn skills, and now look at you. You're right here, absolutely thriving in the mix. How do you make a living? Just from stand-up? Stand-up, and I also get disability from the VA. Oh, wow. You're a veteran.

Yeah, yeah. They're four years in the army. Mexican army? No. The Alamo. Airborne infantry. Sorry. You were in the Air Force? No, airborne infantry. Jump out of a plane. Okay. Oh, boy, the migrants are getting good. Yeah. They're airdropping them. Yep.

That's a way to get over the fence. Incredible. So what were you doing? You were jumping out of planes? Yeah. And then, well, not in country. Once we were in like Iraq and Afghanistan, it was a lot of like just busting people's doors open. Whoa. Okay. Killing the kids? Oh, man.

No, these are like fully grown men. All right. Hell yeah. I feel like if someone from the army was here, they'd go like, hey, hey, hey, no. Kicking doors down and fucking people up. I love it. But sometimes you would jump out of an airplane. Yeah, I mean, you have to practice it for when you... I guess if we ever get into a real war with people that got real stuff. Right. Yeah. Well, luckily...

That's never happened in our lifetime. Instead, we just like to fucking practice a lot, I guess. I can't picture, I don't think I've seen a lot of Mexican people jumping out of the old jumping bean, you know what I mean? I haven't seen this before. There's a lot, actually. There are? Is that what we have them doing? Wait, did you just try to compare Mexicans jumping out of airplanes to black people swimming?

It feels like you made the jump. I mean... Where you're like, you don't see a lot of Mexican skydivers. Yeah. I don't. They like the land. Yeah. They like to be right on ground level. Landscaping. Land. People. They're people. They are people of the land.

He's hilarious. Do you come from a big family, Raul? No, it's just me and my sister. Wow, another stereotype. Completely broken by Raul Sanchez. Well, actually, we did come over here illegally back in 91. Raul, you are out.

You didn't have to say anything. You were defining a new generation of Latinos. But 91, we straight up stuck in here. Yeah, right? You talk about the army, this, you're an open pamphlet. Thank God you didn't get captured. I know.

That's a good one, though. I mean, you're one of the good ones. You come over... Comedians, comedians. Wait a second. How is that a bad thing? How is that the Mexicans are laughing? Yeah, but if you follow the trail... Latinos, I just got a fucking thumbs up, a brown thumb. Yeah. Ah.

I just got it. That joke was over the line and so is he. Yeah. I don't want to cross anybody's borders here. That is incredible. So you came here illegally and just joined the army. See, that's fair. That's how it should be. You want to come here illegally? Join the army. I like it. Serve your time. The Asian-Mexican's not having this. He's just fucking pissed right now. Asian-Mexican? You don't see him in there. He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and he looks shaped Samoan.

He's got everything. They call him Don Moe. I love it, Raul. That wasn't your joke. It was a genuine, I'm regathering myself. I love it. Raul, what else would we be surprised to know about you in your life? This is a very interesting set and interview. You're absolutely killing it. I used to be a drug addict. Hey!

What are we talking? What kind of drug? Mostly cocaine, like free... Okay, a lot of fucking, a lot of people going 97 in a 75 back there. Hell yeah.

Where would you do the cocaine? What was like your routine? Where would it get? What would it? My homie was a dealer and we used to just kick it in his like back room behind his parents' house. Yeah. Like he was set up there and we used to just like stay up all night and to do coke till we threw up. Yeah. I don't mean to judge your friend, but he sounds like a really shitty coke dealer. He's like, yeah, we'll go to my parents and just do all my stash. Yeah.

Yeah, it was a pretty bad idea. What would you guys do for fun? After you do the cocaine, what would you guys do? It's around the time that I started doing stand-up. So it was... After a while, stand-up started getting in the way of the coke. It got out of hand pretty quick. And I ran out of money and I just stopped. There you go. A natural end to an addiction. Yeah.

Stand-up started getting in the way of my addiction. But stand-up won. You stopped coke, you're still doing stand-up. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you have one minute of material. Thank you. Do you ever get tempted to do it? Do you ever have a moment of weakness? Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Like, what does that take? Does that happen when you're out? Oh, I just do it. Oh, okay. Yeah, perfect. Yeah.

That's a way to do it. Absolutely. He's admitted to three felonies here, for those of you keeping track. Army, border jumping, drugs. Every time I'm like, he's one of the good ones, he's like, I do cocaine all the time. I'm like, okay. But I was in the army. All right. I got here illegally. What do you think about catalytic converters? Like, do you get them for free or do you buy them? No, somebody tried to steal one out of a rental. Oh.

At our house, yeah. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show sometime if you can. Whoa! I appreciate it. Thank you. There you go. You passed the catalytic converter.

converter test. It's one of the only ways to get booked on The Secret Show. This is a legit nice leather joke book. You could fucking do blow off it or something like that. He's generic Raul on social media. All one word. I mean, that's about as good as it can get out of the bucket. Make some noise for Raul Sanchez. Oh, wow. What a start of the show so far. Right now, we're on pace for episode of the year.

It happens that quick. Oh, look at the lovely Heidi. I mean, my goodness gracious. Are we the luckiest people on planet Earth or what? I'm sorry I looked at your boobs. He's got the bottom boob. I feel like I really got caught. I looked over and she's like, you need to screw forward. I was like, I'm sorry! Yeah. I know, it's hard. You think that's bad. I saw Deep Madness look at her boobs too. That's the weird part. He's like...

Alright, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Pamela Galvez, everybody. Pamela Galvez, 60 seconds uninterrupted. Oh shit, here we go. What's up, everybody? So, I want to open up a pegging gym for women so that we can have nice, strong cores because I used to date this bisexual guy and we used to have strap-on Sundays. And, oh, in case you don't know what pegging means, pegging means when women

my girl, I guess, wears a plastic dick in the butt of the guy. And, um, it made me appreciate what you guys go through. It's a lot of fucking work. It's a lot of work to do this. And it's very hard to find the hole, too. And I thought, like, all the position, I thought, like, uh...

When he was on top of me, that would be easy? No, that wasn't easy. But, guys, if your dick could get pregnant, you wouldn't want to stick it everywhere. So just, you know, because you guys always want to, like, stick your penises everywhere. So, yeah. Okay.

Okay, 55 seconds from Pamela Galvez. I wanted to be... You what? I wanted to stay on time. There you go. You're on time. Rare for your people. Yeah, because, you know, I'm never... Exactly, I'm never on time. What ethnicity are you exactly? Dominicana. Dominicana. Oh, shit. Dominicana. Okay, we got it. One time's good enough. Dominicana.

She was hypnotizing Mark. Mark was starting to present to her. I want some rice and beans. She said it three times. You say Dominicana three times, guava juice shows up out of nowhere. This is an incredible dance.

Peg Bundy, how many times have you done it? Peg Bundy, oh, I did it like five times. It was amazing. Same dude? Same dude, yeah, it was amazing. So ladies, please try it. Please try it. Oh, you feel so powerful. I was like, oh, now I get it. It's a good feeling, so, you know. Returning the favor. Anyone else? Anyone else hard? Yeah. Yeah.

It's getting hot in here. Oh, shit. There goes the jacket. Look at this. This is like a fucking, uh, this is like a, all right. Yeah. Don't say Dominican again or there'll appear. Yeah. I love it. Has anyone ever told you that you're like if Frederick Douglass and Frederick Kruger had a baby? I like it. How long you been doing stand-up, Pamela? Three years. Where at?

New York City and L.A. and Miami and you know, you gotta spread around, right? You gotta spread yourself around, right? Yeah. Yeah, spread those cheeks. Yes, exactly. And lube it up too. Oh yeah. Oh shit. I'm scared shitless of this lady. I told you, I wanna open up a pegging gym for women. Sure. Bad idea. Good core. 24 hour shitness. Please.

Yeah, that does happen. Okay, so Pamela, what do you do for a living? How do you make money? I am a registered nurse. Oh, no. Oh, no. I thought she was going to be sexy.

School nurse. There's the jet skis. The jet skis have arrived. All right, we get it. You're going pee, D-Madness. There he goes. 15 minutes into the show, his first pee break, everybody. There he goes. A true professional D-Madness. I bet you're going hard with that thermometer in there, huh? In the butthole? Loop it up, baby. Loop it up. Oh, my God.

Tony, so I know you wanted to be a heart doctor. See, I had open heart surgery. Okay. ASD. ASD. Atrial septic defect. So, you know, we're heart people. Okay. So what was the defect? Superventricular tachycardia? Yes. Wow, look at that. There you go. No big deal. What? Tony, you have no heart? Exactly. I know. That's like the ultimate tale. You know, a man with no heart wanted to be a heart doctor. A little boy.

Shocking. Uh-oh. So when did you have the surgery? When I was seven years old. Wow. Incredible. I wear my scar very proudly. I love it. I love it. Absolutely incredible. We should all wear our scars and everything proudly. Okay. Okay. Over here. Over here. Sorry. Really long answers to yes or no questions. What do you do for fun, Pamela? I like to go to the beach and swim and do comedy.

Okay. You like to swim? I love to swim. What kind of swimming do you do? It makes me feel free. Like no, you know, there's no, uh, no gravity. You're just, just you and your thoughts. Yeah. That's kind of how water works. Yeah. That's also how people from the Dominican Republic get here. Um, yeah, it is incredible following your ancestors footsteps there. Um,

Pamela, what else? Tell me something interesting about you. Swimming isn't really cutting it for me. Yeah, I know. Where are you at on Dominican saying the N-word? Is that allowed? Good question. That's a touchy one. What do you think? You're Dominican. Dominican, Dominican. No, I don't like... You don't do it. You would pass the test on a police... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'd pull you over. Yeah.

You definitely register with an HOA. Yeah. So I also do comedy for disabled comedians. Ooh. Because I'm disabled, too. You just can't see it, you know, obviously. And so, yeah, so... Really? It's a very passionate of mine, yeah. Dan Soder. The more and more we go on, the more and more I see how crazy that guy is for letting you peg him.

I feel like you didn't have a safe word at all. No, he broke up with me on Valentine's Day. Of this year? Yeah, just now. He just broke up with me on Valentine's Day. What was his reasoning? My ass is bleeding. He couldn't handle my craziness. He broke your heart, you broke his back. Absolutely incredible. On Valentine's Day, how did he break it to you? Was it a text call? Text after three and a half years. Three and a half years? Three and a half years in a text?

Good for fucking his butt, lady. Yes, thank you. Exactly. Yeah. Fucking in the butt.

Wow. Damn, Pegasaurus. No, that's not. Work it, work it. I like that one. I like that one. I like that one. Pegasaurus. Unbelievable. So he left you on, you guys didn't get to hang out on Valentine's Day? No. Wow. Did you get him anything? Did you have something prepared for Valentine's Day? Perhaps some melted bedroom chocolates or something like that to blend in with the sheets? Right, right, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's why you always have to have tissue on the side to clean it up. Gosh, wow. We're still... Oh my gosh, we're talking about poops. That's what you did. You brought that up. Congratulations. That was your 55 seconds. You created this for yourself. Pamela, here's a little joke book. There you go. All right. We're having fun here. You guys having fun? Yeah.

All right, another bucket pool. Here we go. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Jay Hinsdale, everybody. Jay Hinsdale. Here he is. Jay Hinsdale. Oh, crap. I was at a strip club during the day recently. I wasn't there for any particular reason. I was just trying to get my mom's engagement ring back. Going to a strip club during the day is weird, though. Going to a strip club during the day is kind of like going to a haunted house at night.

It's dark. You feel like you're not supposed to be there. Walls are covered in ectoplasm. Seeing a stripper during the day is weird, too. Seeing a stripper during the day is kind of like seeing Batman during the day. They both got cool costumes, but you can see the scars. Batman fights crime. Stripper fights crime. The catch and release is a little different for the stripper, but she does keep criminals off the streets for an unspecified amount of time, and if you read the comics, that's better than Batman. Sorry, have a touch of the tism.

Wow. Yet another unbelievable minute here tonight. Jay Hinsdale. Am I saying that correctly, Jay? Yeah, I usually go by JP, but I forgot to add the P. There you go. Absolutely. Well, welcome. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, I was actually on the show, the first episode you did with an audience last year.

After COVID. At Antone's? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Our first episode in Austin. Yeah, you ruined my life. I did? How did I do that? You gave me dreams and hope and...

Look where it got you. I know, man. That's incredible. This is amazing. So what have you been doing? How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years now. You didn't start on the show. You were doing it for a year or so before? I was doing it for three months, and I got pulled. It changed my life, man. For real. Amazing. Tell us more about that. I'm interested for the people at home to hear what happens when you make an impression on Kill Tony. How did it change your life? It just...

I was three months in, man, and I was like... You know, you're at the point when you start where you think you're kidding yourself, and you were so fucking nice to me. That was crazy. No, for real. You were... You're the reason that I kept going. Yeah! You hear that, you faggots? It's me!

I love it. Absolutely. That would have been the perfect sentence before he shot you. He does have the name of an assassin. Jay Hinsdale. Then assassinated Tony Hinchcliffe. It was a great set. Thank you. I appreciate it. Unlike you, your jokes have no fat on them. Yeah, I know. I once went to an Antifa-sponsored vegan barbecue for trans awareness. Oh, no. Yeah. I found out they don't accept trans fats. Oh, no.

Wow. Yes. I love it. You've got the face of Shane Gillis and the body of David Lucas. It is incredible. You are a machine, J.P. Hinsdale. I'm just going to write in the P and call you J.P. Is that okay? That's great. Thank you. All right. You're welcome. Thank you.

So now you've been doing it, what'd you say, four years? Four years, yeah. And you make a living doing it? No. Right. How do you provide for yourself? I had to wait for a relative to die. Oh, good. Shows patience, though. Yeah. Like, she held on a good long while, and... You're next, baby. Yeah. Yeah.

I love it. Who was it? Grandma? Yeah. How did she die? Oh, she was just, it was getting to that time. I was like, honestly, it just happened this year. It was pretty messed up, man. Was there a, okay, red band relax. Jesus Christ. Mostly because my mom didn't die. Right. Sorry. Well, now we know your pecking order. Yeah, exactly. She had a pecking order. Yeah. So... Hindsight's 20-20 with a dildo. Yeah.

Okay. Okay, JP. Touché, touché. There you go. All right, so you live in Austin? Yes, sir. What do you do for fun? Uh...

Right. Have you been signing up a lot? We haven't seen you in... Yeah, I've been signing up since I moved here and even before I was coming out every Monday. So we haven't gotten you on since the first episode in Austin, Texas, which is well over three years ago. Yeah. And you've been signing up continuously. Like off and on when I could get here, but in the past three months, I've been signing up every week. Amazing. Yeah, it's fucking tricky with hundreds of people in the bucket. Yeah.

This is a perfect example of the fucking randomness of the show. But, you know, I was just telling... I think it was Rogan the other night that, you know, Williams signed up for, I think it was a year or something crazy, continuously. And he never once got up. And then...

After a year, we pull his name out of the bucket. Now he has the record for most appearances and interviews all time on the show. So it goes to show that fucking, you know, persistence and everything is whatever. You're fat. Let's talk about it. What do you like to eat, JP? Yeah, dude. What don't you like to eat? Let's start there. What's the late night fucking gluttonous pleasure? Yeah, tell us, taste oracle. Taste, okay.

It's not pussy. Not pussy. Uh-uh. No. When I can, but it's a delicacy. Incredible. Absolutely incredible. I bet you eat it all up too, buddy. Like German chocolate cake. Incredible that you're the bucket pool that doesn't have the heart surgery scar in between your breasts. No, it's only because I can't afford it. Right. Well, you be careful. We might start a heart surgery joke on me.

Incredible JP. Do you ever exercise? What's the most motion that you do in a week? Jerking off. I get out of bed. That's pretty difficult. There you go. I do have a bad leg, so that makes things... What's wrong with your leg? I broke it, and I didn't have health insurance, so it just kind of healed wrong. Oh.

What? Is it visible? Yeah, you want to see it? Yeah. We would love to see. Oh! Oh! Oh, shit, you got a homeless leg. Yeah. Yeah, you do. Oh, man, the ankle goes... For those of you who are just listening to the podcast, the ankle stays the same size all the way up to the knee. Yeah. There's no definition there. Oh, man, I bet you could boot the shit out of a soccer ball. Oh, yeah, dude. Bring Raul back up. Let's see.

Okay. JP, anything else that we should know about you before letting you go back? I did just come out this year as bisexual. Oh! Oh,

Oh, my God. I did it at 40 just in time for it to be gross. Holy shit. Absolutely. Now you're going to be turned down by two genders. I know. Yeah. Twice the rejection. I don't know if my heart can take it. Incredible. Yeah. I don't think your heart can take much. So what made you come out as bi? How does this happen exactly? You might understand this, Tony. Yes, of course. Yes.

You son of a bitch. This is what happens. You changed my life, Tony. You made me believe in my dreams, Tony. It's all thanks to you, Tony. You're fucking gay, Tony. Every Monday. Well, he does have the cattiness of a gay guy. Yes.

Like, I don't know. Have you ever been in a relationship so toxic that you considered taking dick again? What's he again? I didn't like it so much when I was 11, but I've matured a lot since then. Hold on. This is all moving too fast for me. That was good. This is all moving too fast for me. Were you in a relationship with a girl and she broke your heart? Yeah. How did that happen? She break up with you on Valentine's Day?

No, it's like our psychological problems were too connected. It just got bad. Is she dead? No. But she's on the pecking order for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's right behind mom. Not for lack of trying. It goes, mom, Rebecca. Yeah. And then my stupid dead grandma. Yeah.

Hell yeah. So how's the bisexuality been working? Are you on an app or something like that? Guys are fucking savage. Yeah. Like savage. I don't know if it's good or bad. Bad, savage. Like, dude, I don't... Like, man, I remember the first night I was out, this guy was coming up. He's like, hey, can I blow you in the bathroom? And I was like...

I'm just new to this. I'm not quite ready for this shit yet. Oh my God. What a gay bitch you are. Dude, get that dick sucked, bro. We go to Barnes and Noble. You want to suck my dick? I'm new at this. But literally like five minutes later, he's like, first he's like, I understand. Then five minutes later, he's like, hey, you want me to suck your dick in the bathroom? I was like, dude, we just talked about this. I was like, whew, take it easy. Let somebody see your dick. I know. Because you're not seeing it. No. No.

Jesus Christ. I had somebody describe it to me once. Apparently, it's majestic. Hey! Well, if it's anything like your leg, it's huge. What kind of gay... It's a sight to behold either way. Yeah. What are the apps you're on? Uber Eats? Yeah. Grub Sub. I love it. I love it. So what gay shit have you done? Well, I was driving Lyft for a while. Wait, what? What?

What? Yeah. I was driving. My first night I was driving Lyft, I picked up this dude at a bar and he was just sitting in the back. He was making out with this dude when I picked him up. He was making out with a woman when you picked him up? No, he was making out with a dude. Oh, gotcha. And then he gets in the car and he's like, I hate this shit. And I'm like, what? He's like, I hate hooking up with straight guys.

Yeah. And I was like, that guy was straight? And he's like, yeah, he came in with his girlfriend. I'm like, I'm pretty sure he didn't come out that way. Yeah. And then he was like, so we're just sitting, talking, having a normal, chill conversation. While you're driving him? Yeah. Where's he going, home? Yeah, he's going home. And then we get to his destination. Wait, take off your hat again. You're like a gay jelly roll. Look at this, everybody. Oh.

Look at this fucking smelly roll over here. Oh my goodness. You're going to sing the national anthem for us? I love it. I mean, if you want, I'll get the words wrong. Okay, can you see? So what happens then? Well, he's like, hey, you want me to suck your dick? Wait a second. We've heard this before. Yeah. Why are you like a bug zapper for people that want to suck dick?

Just everyone's like, I gotta suck this guy's dick. I've always wanted to know what it feels like to have a belly on my head as I blow a guy. It's a moth to a flamer. Look, I understand it less than you do. You know, I've never heard somebody ask me that question until recently. Well, when it rains, it pours. It does. Uh...

But he goes like, hey, man, you want me to suck your dick? And I'm like, I thought about it. I was like, that's really nice of you, but... You are the worst at turning down fucking blowjobs. I know, I know. I'm new at this. Oh, that's very nice of you. But then he was like... You would have been blown on the clock. I know, I know. I would have gotten more than just the tip. Okay.

So, like, he's like, I'm like, thank you, but I'm okay. By the way, let me just point out that you can tell D Madness is homophobic. It's because he keeps playing the law and order. He thinks being gay is so wrong that it's a crime.

Like, we hear you, D-Madness. You're saying so much with your bass guitar right now. Like, that's not... Look, I grew up Irish Catholic, so I feel the same way. About myself. Okay, so then what happened? I cut off your story there. So then he's like, well, at least let me see it. And I was like, I was an altar boy. I'm not... It's like, I know that trick. And...

Fool me once, shame on you. And then he's like, well, at least describe it to me. And I was like, it was like two in the morning. It's like, I've never had to describe my penis. Challenge accepted, you know? So like, it didn't take long. I explained it. Then, you know, after that, he was like, how are you going to describe your penis to me and not let me see it? Can I ask you how you described your penis? It was a windy night. Yeah.

I was new at this. Yes. I was feeling my loins burning in a certain direction. I mean, it's distinguished, but it leans a little to the left. Just like your leg. Exactly. I love it. It's a structural issue. Okay. But anyways, his logic was sound, so I was like, I guess I have to do it. I don't know. Okay. Are you saying this guy argued you into being gay? Yeah. Yeah.

And did he pay you for the ride? Yeah. Oh, man. That's got to be a violation of Lyft. Yeah, probably. It's a good thing I don't do that anymore. You're a hooker. I know. What kind of dudes are you into? Do you have a specific type? Because you would be described as a bear. Is that correct? I guess. That's what everyone keeps telling me. No, technically I'm pansexual, but I don't like talking to those people. Is it like frying pan? Yeah. Yeah.

More of a skillet. Yeah. Okay. So what do you mean by pansexual? Explain that to us Republicans in the room. I really hate explaining this, but it's basically, it's not the package, it's what's inside. You like holes. Yes. Yes. You do. I like holes. Yes. But not the mouths of innocent humans. No. No. Because you're new at this. I am new at this. Very, very. So who have you hooked up with?

I don't know, a couple dudes. I'm not, like, getting names and shit. I'm not to the point... Well, I don't want their names. Okay. The amount of gay eye rolls that you have probably been so many where they're like, oh, fine, you're new. It's...

I love it, JP. I find you to be extremely interesting. How long of a set do you think you've acquired in your four years of being a stand-up comedian? Longest set I've done is 45 minutes. 45 minutes. Where are you originally from? I'm from L.A. L.A.? Yeah. That's where your family's from? Yeah. I would not have guessed that. But no, I've been here for L.A.

I've been here for about 18 years, so I've been here long. Wow. Incredible. You're from L.A.? Yeah. Interesting. You know what, JP? I find your story to be so incredibly compelling. What part of L.A. are you originally from? I've lived all over Glendale, Long Beach, Burbank. You've lived all over Los Angeles. Yeah. And meanwhile, on Michigan.

May 10th, we will be at the Kia Forum. The Forum. Have you heard of this arena? Yes. The world famous arena? How would you like to do a minute at the Forum in LA? Yes, you would. Thank you. Well, there you go. You got it. J.P. Hinsdale will be performing. You have family there?

No, they're all dead. They're all dead? Yeah. What about your pecking order? Is mom still alive? Yeah, but she's here. She's in Austin? No, she's just around. That would have been great if he was like, I'm new. I can't accept it. I can't. I was going to have you invite her out to the show, but I guess only grandma is going to be watching your performance at the forum. Red Band? I would also love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you can. Hell yeah. Thank you. There you go. Thank you. He started here.

and it will end here. J.P. Hinsdale and Hinsdale 5000 on social media. You probably never got one of these. Bones I wasn't with us back then. There he goes. He made it happen. He's just became an arena act ladies and gentlemen. J.P.

Hinsdale, everyone. And like that, magic happens. He goes from signing up every single week to going back to where he started his life in Los Angeles, performing in an arena only under the condition that he lets me suck his dick. Of course. So keep an eye on that. Could be taken away at any point. He likes to play hard to get. Yeah. Right. And soft to get at the same time. It's very bizarre. Uh,

Ladies and gentlemen, as you see, dreams can come true on this show, and none bigger than the one that you're about to see, an absolute force of nature, one of our regulars, writes and performs a new minute every single week. I present to you a freak. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the one and only Cam Patterson. Hey, how you doing?

That last nigga gay as hell, dog. Gay as shit. Super duper gay. Very gay. Unlike that guy, I like bitches. I love women. They cool as hell. I had a threesome for the first time a couple weeks ago and I made two women come to the same conclusion that I'm pretty bad at sex. I'm mad because I told them that joke and they laughed harder than y'all did. I hate them hoes. I hate them with my whole heart.

That shit really pissed me the fuck off. It was weird, because at one point, one of the girls got mad at the other girl, because I was fucking the other one too much, because her pussy was better. I'm a genius, you know what I'm saying? And so she got mad and went to a different room, so I had to fuck him in different rooms. So just imagine me butt-ass naked, 14-inch dick, don't think about it too hard, 14-inch dick,

Soup flashing, I'm soft, not even hard yet. Just dragging the floor and I'm running butt-ass naked with my socks and slides still on because if you fuck with out your socks and slides on, you gay. That's gay as hell, dog. You fuck butt-ass naked, that's gay as shit, right? So I'm running back and forth like a Scooby-Doo chasing, right? Just fucking just hitting that shit, right? And I really enjoyed it. I thought it was a good time. I called my homeboy, I was like, hey man, I had a three-suit last night, that shit was dope.

And I explained, I went back and forth, back and forth. People were like, you didn't have a threesome. They ran a train on you. That's it. Cam Patterson. Fuck yeah, Cam Patterson. I love it.

That's a new minute. Yes. Originally heard about it in an interview. And there it is. The actual bit. Unbelievable. Take it from interview to fucking, it all turns into material. Yeah. Them niggas already gonna hate me for that one. Oh yeah. It's hard. I'll fuck their mom or something. That's right. Absolutely. Get their moms pregnant. Yeah, that's a good idea. I should do that.

The fun thing about fucking a hater's mother is that you can come inside of her all you want. Let her deal with the repercussions. I can be your stepfather or some shit like that. Exactly. God damn, what a cool threat. I'm going to fuck the shit out of your mom. I'll be like, I'll listen. I'll listen to her stories.

I love it. Cam, you're absolutely killing. What else is going on in the world? You really did that, huh? Yeah, I had to do that. They were in two different rooms? Yeah, they was upset with each other. One of them was just mad because fucking the other one way too much. And then you went in there and what'd you say to her? You're like, hey, I want to fuck. Stop being mad, bitch. Yeah. Okay, that's a direct approach. Stop being upset, dumbass bitch. Oh, hell yeah. You threw dumb in there. Absolutely. Super insulting. I'm writing it down. All right, keep going. Yeah, that's good.

Settle down, you dumbass bitch. Because some women like to be talked to aggressively. You know what I'm saying? She like to be, you know what I'm saying? This feels like a fucked up hitch. How do you know who to talk to aggressively and who to not talk to? You got to talk to the aggressive ones aggressively. You know what I'm saying? She be like overly aggressive, you got to be aggressive back. Like, I don't hit women, but I shake the shit out of bitch. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

How did you know that the one girl's vagina was better than the other girl's vagina if you fucked the one girl first? Because I tried both of them. You tried both of them. I tried both of them. The old Pepsi challenge. Yeah.

Yeah, I tried both of them. I was like, oh, this is way better. What do you mean? It was like the other one. Nah, just like more like, like more wet, you feel what I'm saying? Yeah, a little je ne sais quoi. You ever had like, you ever had like a stuffy nose and one of your nose is just like, one side of your nose is just like super wet and the other side is just dry shit? Yeah. That was the other bitch. She was just. But Cam, have you ever laid on your side and let the snot fall into the other one and then it opens back up? How cool is that? Yeah.

What I'm saying is, should have switched rooms, maybe the pussy would have been better in the other room. It's too bad there's no nose spray for pussies. Open that shit up, you know? They needed that shit. I will tell you my favorite part about the threesome is I went outside. I went outside. I was on the phone with my homeboy about some shit. And then I came back in, and one of the girls was eating the other girl's pussy. And I was like, man, life is great.

man. So I decided I had like two entries I could choose to go through at this point in life. You know what I'm saying? I could either like just shove my dick in her mouth or like fuck the other one. And I shoved my dick in her mouth and I think that was a pretty good decision. Yeah. Choose your own adventure. Yeah. What a post-game conference. I could have gone puss, wet mouth. Don't regret it. Don't regret it. Great idea. I like that a lot.

Let's also take note that during all of this talk about fucking women and women eating each other out, not once have we heard from the homophobic bass player D-Madness who played it 18 times during all the gay talk earlier. I don't know.

Literally, gay things are criminal. Unbelievable. And you fuck with the slides on. Oh, I got to. Yeah, you got to. Yeah, because you go socks, they're on the carpet. Yeah, you got to have, you know what I'm saying, good traction. Yes, yes. You definitely have a running to the liquor store outfit on. True.

Traction. Yeah. If you don't like, you feel what I'm saying? Not on really carpet, but if you like on like hardwood floors and shit, you be slipping. You be slipping and shit. So you stay at the edge of the bed and you bring them kind of towards you? Yeah, I like that whole touch they told me. Because slides, it would be hard to keep them on in the missionary position, I do believe. Trust me, I keep them bitches on, dog. You keep them on.

You got to grip the hoe with your toes a little bit. Oh, my God. That is incredible. These don't come off at all, bro. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he got up on his toes like Michael Jackson. Got to grip the hoe. Look at me. Look. Grip them bitches. Grip them. Got to grip the hoe. That is incredible. This guy just agrees with whatever you say. Yes, Mr. Black Man. Okay. Yes. Yes, I'll buy candy for your uniforms. Incredible.

It's my AAU team, man. Come on, fuck with me, dog. You feel what I'm saying? We're trying to go to Florida and play in the AAU tournament, man. We're trying to get there, bro. I did that before. Oh, yeah. I was like 19, not playing basketball in like a year. Did that before. I can see it. I think I bought those Skittles. Hell, yeah.

All right, Cam. I mean, you did it again. An absolute unbelievable performance yet again. Just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. Nobody does it quite like him. Make some noise for Cam Patterson, everybody. Come on, you can do better than that. Make some noise for Cam, everyone. God damn it. Out there daydreaming.

Your next bucket poll is from the inside. He is one of you. Make some noise for Tanner Amiglio. Tanner Amiglio. From the inside, I do... Well, nope. Is that him? Tanner, are you here? There he comes. All right. From the back. How many of you like it when people do good on this show? How many of you like it when people do bad on this show? Yeah!

Oh, there you go. A bunch of ruthless people in this room tonight. Absolute monsters. Make some noise for Tanner Amiglio, everybody. From the inside, one of your very own. One more time for Tanner Amiglio. I get confused watching the news a lot. Like, I'll see, like, a protest going on, and you'll see, like, a bunch of fat people, and, like, they're activists. Like, what the fuck are you active about? Like, what the fuck are you active about?

Fatty. Fat fuck. Shh. Hold on. No, dude, like, I like listening to my parents have sex. I don't care what you think, dude. They're my parents, bro. Fuck you. It's fun to think about, you know? Like, my dad's shorter than my mom. My dad's Asian. It's cool. He just teeter-totters on her. I know he's doing a good job, too. Like, I hear my mom go, oh, yeah.

My dad was all, "Tung La Ka, fuck yeah, get this foot there." I'm Asian, don't get mad at me, bro.

- Uh, all right, cool. - Wow, a great minute, Tanner Amiglio. Am I saying that correctly, Tanner? - Yeah, you are, yeah, yeah. - Welcome to the show. This is your first time, right? - Yes. - Dan Soder. - What up, Dan? - What's up, dude? How are you? - I'm doing great, dude. - Dude, you really look like a kid that was kidnapped and then returned.

I just kept asking him, like, oh, dude, let me play the iPad. He was like, get the fuck out. Incredible. How old are you? 21. 21 years old. Wow. Yeah. Man. I feel like Kevin Spacey, because this twink is cute. Yeah, dude. Yeah, it's going down.

It is going down. Cute and stinky. I'm a little cute, stinky boy. Wow. All right. There you go. How many animals have you killed with rocks? Oh, wait. Oh, so many. Actually, no. No, like a lot. Go ahead. Answer it. Okay. I've killed rabbits, squirrels. I killed, not with a rock, but with my car, like three hogs. What was the one with your car? I felt it. Like three hogs. Like three at once. Oh, okay. Instead of two birds, one stone. My car, three hogs. Wow. Hogs.

Honestly, you can't beat that logic. Right. That's good. Yeah, you look like a kid who... God damn, dude. I have never seen a person so ready for a firework accident. It is unbelievable. This is incredible. You're a little bundle energy, Tanner. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is going to be 10 months. No, no, 11 months in March. Okay. That was March. Yes, indeed. 11 months, guys.

Wait, you mean a year in March? No, no, no, a year in April because I turned 21 in March, so I started in April. Okay. Yeah. All right. Well, everything's happening right now. I know. It's crazy. Birthdays. I don't know why he's got so much cartoon turned into a human energy. Yeah.

There it is. Yeah, that's the sound. Yeah. Okay. So, Tanner, how do you make a living? I work for Tommy Buns and Mama Jean's. Wow. Yeah. Unbelievable. I was actually switching on the podcast when you were on Not Today, Pal. Oh, okay. Hell yeah. And you asked... With the great Jamie Lynn Sigler? Yeah, the great Jamie Lynn and Robbo. Of course. Yeah, you asked, so when...

Wait, wait, I didn't even get to the fucking, I didn't even know, you guys don't even know what he asked. Just hold on. Because, no. When I'm mad, my nose shakes. Tony really likes The Sopranos, which is dope.

And he was wondering about this Pink Floyd song that kept popping up when someone was killed. It was Van Morrison. But yes, Van Morrison sings the chorus on the Comfortably Numb version of Christopher Moltisanti's death. Yes. Yeah. I learned that from when you were on the show. You know, they asked the great David Chase, the creator, the almighty creator of the Sopranos universe, and he answered that, and he said,

didn't even know. Your eyes are so much bluer than I thought. He didn't even know. Are you talking about my eyes right now? Because I'm talking about David Chase answering my question that I asked on a Sopranos podcast right now. Sorry. Dude, he's been living with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. Just let him have it. He's like, I don't know, Peter. Captain Hook's coming around.

My eyes are blue. Yeah, man. But yeah, he didn't even know. He didn't even make the connection. Blue is your little vest. Oh, jeez. What is going on here? What is going on here? Wow. Will you guys stop flirting?

Oh my god, what a cute, what a me cute. Yeah, right? Tony, you're back in with the Asians. Yeah, you're popular. We love you. I'm gonna get my revenge. I'm a dirty Asian, though. What kind of Asian are you? I'm Filipino. We're not clean. We're like tree Asians. We're arboreal.

That means they live in the trees for you retards. Arboreal is in the trees. God, what a... This is the worst planet Earth ever. The retards are in the trees. Oh, man. You look like the kid from Jungle Book. Yeah. Mowgli? Mowgli, the little Indian? Is that why you have to calm you down? It's the bare necessities. The simple bare necessities.

There it is. The actual sound. Dan, your forehead's as wide as my ass, dude. Wow. Tanner. I'm just kidding. Sweet Zing. Fucking boxcar child. Zing is his dad's name. Oh, my God.

Tanner, you're a freak of nature. Have you been funny your whole life? You're 21 years old. Were you a little rabble rouser in school? Such a rabble rouser. Okay. Son of a bitch. I swear to God. This kid just has you. Spank it, Tony. Disrespect it. Wow. You guys are going to fuck. We are. I'm taking him to the pitching putt this week and get him all fucking liquored up on sugar or something like that.

You're originally from Austin, Tanner? No. Where are you from? I'm from San Clemente, California. Oh, it's a shame. So close to the forum if you weren't an asshole. Sorry. I'm sorry. I have a question. How did I fuck this up for myself? You fucking pussy. Your eyes are bluer than I thought.

I love it. Tanner, what do you do for fun? What else are you into other than comedy? I love fishing. I grew up working on fishing boats. That's like my favorite thing to do. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Okay. I figured you're more of a bait for...

Chris Hansen show or whatever that was called. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'd be great. People in there. Tell them that there's cookies and lemonade and shit. If they bring the pizza. Fuck. Yeah. Okay. Chris Hansen's like, you're not supposed to actually fuck. That's the vibe that I was getting. It's like, open the door. I'm already naked. I'm like, all right, we're doing this. Yeah. Can I ask you a question? Did you fuck that kid? Yeah.

No, I offered to suck his dick and he told me he was new at this. Tanner. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you can. Yeah, thank you. And here's a big joke book. There you go, buddy. The Kill Tony debut of Tanner Amiglio. And ladies and gentlemen, on this, what appears to be a fucking home run derby episode. Thank you.

Oh, shit. I mean, ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony Hall of Famer David Lucas has stepped out. For those of you just listening to the show, what a pleasant surprise. Absolutely incredible. I didn't want shit. I just wanted to tell Tony he looked like a gay puffer fish. Oh, my God. I bet if I tickle your booty, you'll blow up right now, nigga.

That's how it works. Look at Dan Soto. That nigga look like he got on a hockey helmet. Big head ass bitch. You and your fucking wobbly fish eyes need to shut the fuck up. You deflated Patrice O'Neal. You look like an intelligent Tom Green, nigga. I'll take that. I'll take that. Damn, I feel like I'm between a black guy and a cop. Take it easy.

That nigga look like he coach at a private school. Get your motherfucking... God willing. Basketball. All right, you fucking candy apple. David Lee. Look at your Adam's apple, nigga. Goddamn, boy. Oh, yeah. You've never eaten an apple. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

You have a harder time breathing than George Floyd. Hey, don't say that. I just got canceled for that joke. Oh, sorry, sorry. That's why I... All right. But if they would've kneeled on your neck, they would've had to curve their knee, nigga. That's true. Look at that Adam's apple. It's a doozy. That's a mesothelioma, whatever that shit called. And that's a diabetic.

That's my nigga, bro. That's why we got him. Oh, my God. Kill Tony, Hall of Famer, one of only three, one of only two living. David Lucas has arrived. Yeah, I'm out here, bro. I just wanted to come out here, man, and let y'all know my special dropped March 6th. You know what I'm saying? Filmed it. Yeah. And they tried to cancel me over that George Floyd joke, but it don't work. That nigga was a crackhead. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit.

I really in real life would have shot that nigga. It wasn't a joke. He was 6'6". Fuck that. Incredible. That was quite the situation. You were put under... I thought you were talking about George Floyd. Ha ha ha!

That's one way to put it. Situation. He's the guy from Jersey Shore. Hey, Tony. Yeah. What kind of shirt is that under that vest? What are you asking me exactly? I ain't never seen a loose Allen Iverson sleeve, nigga. That shit weird. What are you? You look like you got on a church sock, nigga. Your ass. Church sock. What the fuck is going on? That's a Stacey Adams shirt, nigga. Your ass.

the Steve Harvey line of scuba diving gear. You gonna take that from Stacey Abrams? Oh, my God. Man, get your old motherfucking Yorkie-looking ass up out of here, boy. Look like a rich person dog, nigga, out here.

That nigga. I like it. Fuck out of here with that bullshit. I like it. You do look like a rich person. I should be in a lady's purse. That motherfucker look like he swallowing a ping pong ball, nigga. Your ass. Boy, when you take a go, that shit take 30 years, nigga. Oh, yeah. Take a sip of that Coke. I'll be finished next month. Oh, my God. It don't stop, baby. We out here. He is huge. Oh, my God.

- And you're gay, bitch! - No, you are literally bigger than ever. It is incredible. - Nigga, I see you on the P. Diddy affidavit, nigga, your ass. - Oh my God. - You was at a swimming pool with Meat Mill.

No one knows more about being puffy than you do. You be puffing in the morning from that AIDS medication. Nigga, your ass. You are notoriously B.I.G. And you are notorious F.A.G. Oh, son of a bitch. He got me again. It goes on and on.

Forever. I can't understand how we last so long. Absolutely incredible. You know we do this shit, man. What else, David? You know, I'm out here, bro. I'm out here in these cities, man. Bakersfield, North Carolina, fucking Stress Factory. I got the Wilbur at the end of the year. We out here doing it. Kill Tony is the real movement, nigga. Y'all better believe that. Goddamn motherfucking right. We're doing Madison Square Garden. Do you niggas understand that shit? Yep.

Yep. Everybody associated with Kill Tony is a motherfucking killer, and don't forget that shit. That's all I got to say. David Lucas, everybody. You got to love it. What a special pop-in. No stand-up, no set. We love you, David. All right. Absolute legend of the show. We're going to be getting trashed tonight, no doubt about it. And I was saying before...

he even came out, I was saying, on what appears to be an all-home run derby episode of Kill Tony, I have pulled one of the most amazing names I could have possibly pulled out of the bucket. Genuinely, somehow, one of the, out of the hundreds of sign-ups I have pulled, Kill Tony legend, make some noise for David Jolly, everybody. Oh yeah, gang violence has arrived. How y'all doing it?

How y'all doing tonight, white people in Puerto Rico? Y'all heard the news that the aliens was real? Y'all heard that? It's fucking crazy. The real question is, when we gonna be able to fuck these aliens? I see you, Avatar. I've been waiting on this shit a long time. I ain't never had no turquoise pussy before. I'ma be the first nigga in a polyamorous relationship with two Martian hoes. I'ma be like, hey! You an idiot!

"Hey, y'all come down here and suck my dick!" 'Cause I already know if they're keeping them aliens at Area 51. It's a nigga on that midnight shift. He just wait for Roger to go eat his cheese salad. All right, thank y'all, man. Thank you, thank you, thank you. - Only 42 seconds. - Oh, my bad. All right, all right. Fuck y'all, y'all ugly, bitch.

Okay. All right. 48 seconds from David Jolly. What up, Tony? How's it going, my friend? Welcome. Shit, you know, out here getting it. You having a good time, ain't we? Goddamn right. You working tonight? Yeah, I'm working. Absolutely. I love it. You thought I'd just walk around with...

Well, don't answer that. Yeah, exactly. You don't want to know. David, incredible that I pulled you out of the... Do you always sign up when you're working? Yeah, every time. I love it. I was sitting up there, and then I seen Brian look at Colt, and I was like...

I think this might be my motherfucking name. You're goddamn right. Yeah, yeah. Look at you. What up, Mark? Hey, it's good to see you. I mean, you were great in Blood Diamond. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You was good in Honey, I Shot the Keys, man. This makes snot fly out of my nose.

Genuine out of my nose on that one while I was trying to light a cigarette. That was good. Incredible. You're swift. A very rare treat on the show is liquids flying out of my body. Surprisingly. So David, welcome back. Uh,

Since the last time that you've been on this show, I had you do some spots on my Tony Hinchcliffe and Current Friends. You killed. And then I invited you on the road. And I mean, I don't know why I was surprised, but your level of intensity in giant theaters was so incredible that I had you back.

And back again. So you've been kind of part of this rolling crew. Yeah, yeah. Tell these people what it's like doing sold-out theaters around the world with me. That shit retarded. Can you describe it a little bit better? I mean, because it takes so much time with the jokes, because you tell the joke, then it's 2,000 people. You know, with the timing. It's great, though, man. It's fun. We having fun on the road, cracking jokes.

Always giving Hans Kim shit every day. You know what I mean? That's the best part to me. It really is. And we also roast you a lot. I don't give a damn. Hans doesn't really give a damn either. Everybody's happy to be on the ride. I took you to, we went to

Cleveland and Pittsburgh this past weekend and we stopped off in Youngstown, Ohio which is the midway point and you went to my mom's house. Yeah, yeah. We hung out good over there. A little fun fact though. I told my mom that who else was with us? It was Yoni, Christy, Hans, Cam, Daddy, and Cam and Cam's dad but

But I had... I told David to wait in the car five minutes. And after she let everybody in, I didn't tell her that David was coming. And then I had him just bang on the door really, really hard to freak her out. But...

She was a good spirit. She put the gun down. What did she do? Yeah, it was unbelievably hilarious. You got to have Youngstown pizza, Balleria uptown pizza. That ice cream was fire, though. That's Handel's ice cream. It tastes famous. You've had it. Very good. I thought it was going to taste like purple drink, but it tasted like grape, so that was...

That's fun. We did. We got grape flavor. You ever had purple drink? Oh, yeah. It's good, right? Very good. I know you'd have had it, Dan. You'd like you found a hood, man. I love purple drink. Yeah, yeah. It's delicious. I'm telling you, it is. No, I know. It is. This is... What the fuck is that? What the hell is that? Find me in a hot tub. Oh, are you friends with them dorks? Uh...

David Lucas and David Jolly back to back. It's a shame because I was trying to get Cat Williams on this episode last week, but he obviously had other things to do. I wonder what Cat Williams would have said about your performance here tonight. It makes me wonder. Can't even do a full minute. LAUGHTER

The man, they got him working the door. Baby can't even do a damn full minute. It's a shame. Get away from me, white bitch. I don't be fucking. Ain't having no snow bunnies up in my shit pimping. That's good. That's a good one.

Oh my God. Dan Soder's new special On the Road is on YouTube now. Please give him the full fucking Kill Tony bump. Let these motherfuckers know. Oh my God. No, it's good. I see you getting better every day. I see you at the club. You're always good. Your material's gold. Oh wait, that's your team. I followed you last night. Sorry. I followed you last night. Oh yeah. Home? Yeah. No. No, I mean...

All right. I'm on the open mic on the crew show. Oh, yeah. They forgot you was on the stage, my love. Oh, wow. I'll just fuck with you, Mark. Don't bury me one day. Mark feels like he's talking to the door guy of his building right now. He goes, yeah, it's crazy. It's raining. It's cold out. I gotta go. Yeah. How's your kids? Yeah.

He all right. He good. Oh, you're taking care of him. That's nice. He does not know where they are. He in college, actually. He pretty good. You got a kid in college? Yeah. What college is he going to? Bethune-Cookman University in Daytona. What's it called? Bethune-Cookman University. Bethune-Cookman. Bethune-Cook? Bethune-Cookman, motherfucker. You hear me, Tony? Goddamn. Oh, my God. What's that mean? Google it, motherfucker. Bethune-Cookman. What the fuck is that? What is that? What is that? What is that?

What song is that? Boom. What song is that? Boom. You know what song that is. I don't. I ain't hear it. Play it again, Brian. You know what fucking song that is. It's your morning alarm clock. And by morning, I mean 1 p.m., I'm sure.

That's good. We know you ain't contributing to the Bethune Cook Fund. Why not? You're giving him college money? Fuck no. That's what I just said. I'm giving him money, not Bethune. Fuck Bethune. Right. I went to FAM. Fuck Bethune. Google that shit, white people. Bethune Cook University and Florida A&M are two historically black colleges that he know, don't you know? Huh? Huh?

Oh, that's Black Theon from earlier. He know what I'm talking about, man. It's two prestigious universities. So weird hearing black guys talk college. Yeah, exactly. Quite the community you guys have built for yourselves. Yeah, I'm doing all right. I'm pretty good. You know what I mean? You're doing just fine. You see me? Yep, between G-O-D and G-E-D, you're doing just fine. Man, oh man, fuck you, Tony. You're a asshole. Ha ha ha.

You're an asshole. We love you. Incredible to have David Lucas and David Jolly back to back since he had to apologize for doing jokes about you. Oh,

Not a lot of people know this, but this is the actual George Floyd. He was an actor the entire time. He's alive and well. He's totally fine. I was in the Bahamas. That's what I was doing. Smoking weed with Tupac and shit. Doing cocaine with Elvis. You know, the usual shit, you know.

Absolutely. Gang violence indeed. You know the vibes. Yeah, yeah. All right, Theon. That's enough talking while the show's going on. It's not a movie theater. Hey, relax. He gonna kick y'all a lot. I'm telling y'all. You gonna be out of here. Yeah. What is this? Madea goes to a comedy show? Relax, bro. This is incredible. David Jolly, you're a sensation. What can I say? Everybody loves you. You're a cold-blooded killer. What else, David? I love y'all too, man. Yeah, yeah. Appreciate it. David Jolly.

All right. We keep moving along. Nah, we started a little late. We're going to go a little bit longer. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, Alex Hobson, everybody. Alex Hobson is next on Kill Tony. Such fun interviews. Whoa! Make some noise for Alex Hobson, everyone. Hey, everybody. I hope you're all in a good mood tonight. I have...

That's a good thing. That's a good thing. I have been in Texas for two whole weeks, and I'm absolutely loving it. I'm on a road trip from Canada, and a lot of things are similar. For example, the proud patriotic animal of Canada is the beaver. So that's one thing that we have in common with Texas, which is nice, because the proud animal symbol of Texas is...

It's also a beaver. That beaver's name is Bucky. He is incredibly popular. Adults love him. Kids love him. Very popular guy. All right, folks. Hope you keep having a great night. That's my time. Thanks. Wait a second, Alex. First of all, you're the happiest, angry-looking guy I've ever seen in my life. I'm not sure what to make of this. It's so fun to see Santa on his off hours, though. There he is. Oh!

Damn, dude, that set was ZZ style. Yeah, you're like a gay wizard. Yeah, Alex, what is going on here exactly? What are you? That's your first time doing stand-up, correct? It is my 11th time tonight.

11th time tonight? What does that mean to you exactly? What does tonight mean? Or what is 11th time? It means I've done open mics up in Canada, but only a few. Oh, you're 11th time tonight. Oh, I thought you meant you did 11 sets tonight. Yeah, that's what I thought he meant too. He can travel the whole world in one night. Yeah, yeah. It is very Santa-like, except he slays sometimes. This was more, oh dear, right?

So Alex, you've done stand-up 11 times total. What do you do for a living? What type of prison guard are you exactly? I mark essays. You mark essays? Yeah. Like, fuck you, I mark you, bro. Pfft.

Yeah, that is an interesting... What do you mean you mark essays? Like I work for a university, but everything's online. So that's why I'm able to be here, visiting here. So you're a paper grader? Yes, I am a paper grader. Online? Yes. So you'll never be in a school shooting, unfortunately. Unfortunately. Unfortunately.

How long have you been an online marker? For quite a while, for like 12 years now. Wow. Basically was doing my education in stages, did a BA, did an MA, and then got partway through a PhD. Are you William Montgomery's dad? Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Okay. Dude, you didn't answer. That was weird. Are you married? What have you done with your life? How old are you? I am 52. Okay. And what have you done up until this point? What made you start stand-up so late?

was in a marriage where freedom wasn't really available. Tell us more about this marriage. How long did it last? And by the way, who was the restrictive one, him or her? Yeah, exactly. He looks like he's got someone chained to a radiator. Yeah, absolutely. No, Your Honor, I'm the victim of the domestic violence. I swear. You've got evil youth pastor energy. Yeah, for sure. So what happened with the marriage?

Tell us about the marriage. It was one of those things that started out and I thought that it was someone that was amazing and passionate and driven. And so I said to myself, you know, if the first night is like this, you know, then you know what else will be good. You know what else will be intense? The divorce. And it was. How long was the marriage? 12 years. And what was so intense about the divorce?

Just, yeah, just... Tell us the truth. Was married to a very passionate, very driven, very intense person. When you say that she's passionate, give us some type of example of how she's passionate. What do you mean? In the bedroom? Yes. Okay. What ethnicity was she? Chinese, from China. There you go. Truth comes out. The Asians holding strong on this one. Damn, you got tiger-mommed, huh? Yes. Yeah, dude. Was she from China? Yes. Oh, did she come in a box? No.

No, she was actually from a very wealthy Chinese family. I met her while she was traveling. Oh, Kim Jong-un. Oh, wait, that's Korea. That's Korea. Sorry. Wow. So the marriage ended up being just general so-so. That's Chinese. That's good. That's a Chinese. I like it. Okay. She just egg rolled over. Yeah. All right.

She was like Kung Pao. There was a lot of that. She was abusive? Absolutely. Tell us about it. Come on. She hit you with nunchucks? Yeah. A little choppy chop? Put you in a finger trap? What did she do to you?

A lot of, mostly a lot of thrown dishes, lack of control. China? Yeah. She's throwing to China. Babe, that's our good China. I'm the good China. I'm the good China. My goodness. Being betrayed by a Chinese person, it's like, dang, you know what I mean?

Was she really, she was smaller than you though, right? Like very frail? No, not really. No, like when I went to China and went to Beijing and met her dad and her dad was a little bit taller than I am and I'm not short. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah. He was taller than you. Yes. Wow. So you went there, you met her there and you took her to go? Chinese takeout? Yeah.

And one of those very strange things, we met in St. John's, Newfoundland. So I'm from British Columbia. We met way on the other side of Canada. So kind of like being from Seattle and then meeting someone in New York. Right. Wow. So wait, this is your sleepless in Seattle? She just looked sleepy. With one eye open. So tell us more about this fucking spicy dish. What else would she do to you?

What else? What was like the... Where did you draw the line exactly? Where did you build your great wall? What were the pepper steaks in the sand? Yeah. When did the wontons of fun end? So stupid. What were the highs and low mains? Yeah. When did she become an unfortunate cookie? Yeah.

Was she spy ballooning on you? No more Mr. Rice guy. When did you know you were a gong? Yeah. Did you jump on the old Panda Express and get out of there? You know what I mean? Did she start COVID? Sorry. If she could have, she would have. Got it. Wow. Look at that. My goodness. She was in the airborne division. Oh.

So, 12 years. What was the final? What was the last straw? Even though they don't really put straws in the to-go bags if you order. Okay, go ahead. You're good. We're trying to shoehorn these Chinese jokes. I really thought you were going to say, what was the last straw hat? But I didn't know. All right.

There you go. That is the one. That's called punch up right there. There you go. That is correct. Okay. Basically watched it go from passionate and spontaneous into passionate, spontaneous, and violent. Whoa. And just tried to keep everything as comfortable as I could for the sake of the kids. How many kids? Two kids. Okay. Lucky numbers two. 17. All right. Okay. You're saying she went from sweet to sour? No.

I am. Absolutely. One more, one more. Absolutely. No doubt about it. I like it. I like it. Okay. So have you been with another woman since then? Yeah. I actually went because I went from someone who was very thin, where we didn't have a lot in common, where every conversation things were something different. You got a fat bitch now.

Yeah! Someone from very close grew up on a ranch like I did. Grew up on a ranch and a thousand island by the looks of things. Indeed, indeed. Count it. My goodness gracious. So you found a woman and are you going to settle down with her? Yeah, things are happier. You guys are calmer. Yeah. You guys Netflix and chill? Absolutely. You guys are into that. What do you watch? Love on the Spectrum? Ha ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, that's clever. We definitely do that. And now I finally watch a lot of stand-up. Okay. Very cool. Absolutely. Well, Alex, thank you so much. Fun times. Your 11th time ever on stage. Here's a little joke book for you. You tried your best. I like your style. You were honest in the interview. That goes a long way. Alex Hobson, everybody. Okay. All right. We're getting through it.

Let's make this the last bucket poll of the night. That seems to make sense. Make some noise for your final comedian of the night. Brandon Baddock, everybody. Brandon Baddock. Yeah. I just turned 25, which sucks because I feel like I look like I killed a guy in the 70s.

It's been lonely, man. I tried my hand at OnlyFans the other day. It's cool. It's this website where people post nudes, but to see the nudes, you have to pay a subscription fee. That was on this goth girl's account. I look at her price, $25 a month. It's like, really, girls out here competing with HBO Max? Are you fucking kidding me, man? Like, listen, I bet your pussy's good, but it's not the Sopranos. Let's be real. We got a writer's room and an anime adaptation. Then we'll talk, but...

I'll just stick with the center folds for now. I was using the bathroom before this. I hate using urinals, man. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is that people can see my back as I masturbate? I'm Brandon Baddick. Thank you, guys. Brandon Baddick.

Hi, Brandon. Welcome to the show. How's it going? Your first time on, right? Yeah, yeah. Big fan. Welcome. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Okay. Where are you from? Worcester. Worcester, Massachusetts. Do you live here now or are you visiting? I've been living here for a week now. Oh, one week. How's it been going for you? Tell us about your week in Austin, Texas. Fucking sucks. Why does it suck? I live above the lodge. Okay.

It's the bar down the street. Uh-huh. Because I was looking for a... I'm currently unemployed, and it sucks, man. Uh...

Between the hours of 3 p.m. and 2 a.m., if you lay on my floor, you just vibrate. Right. Yeah. Yeah, you got a place above a bar. Yeah, yeah. And then the water sucks. You shower and you're just dirtier. Oh, wow. The worst. Hell yeah. Incredible. So what do you do for work? I know you're unemployed right now, but what are you looking for? So I actually, in Massachusetts, I worked at a record store. Oh.

For two years, as you can tell. That's crazy. Yeah. Looking at maybe where I hit, like Waterloo or something. Yeah. Yeah. You think you're going to get a job there? I think so. Just based off, you're going to be like, look at me. Based off my smell, you know? Right. Okay. Okay. So what types of things do people that work at record stores actually like know?

They know how to roll a joint. That's confirmed all the time. Blunts, joints. The business side, not so much. They never tend to know how to run a business. Yeah, incredible. 25 years old, vinyl has never even been a thing since you've been alive.

Literally, Bluetooth forever. Yeah. Right. Okay. I was born past the CD era. Yes. Yeah. No doubt about it. This is one of them, Red Band. Half your age. Half your age. That's what it looks like. It looks like the same age. It's incredible. You look like you've been hiding in the Jew tunnels. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Are you Jewish? No. What are you? I'm Albanian. God-worshipping Jews is what they are, folks. I do believe. You Catholic? Used to be. But then what happened? I found Satan. Whoa. Okay. No, I'm an atheist. Okay.

It's a little black hole sun for you. Yeah. Okay. So tell us something interesting about your life, Brandon. We get it. You're 25. You work in a record store, but you don't. You're into Satan like they all are. Right. Interesting fact. When I was a kid, I used to breed a betta fish, the Chinese fighting fish. Yes. Yeah. Our last comedian was married to one. Yeah. Yeah. He was a betta cuck fish. Yeah.

killing it on the jet ski so uh other than raising betta fish as a child is there anything else that we might be surprised to know about you brandon um i uh i did fencing for 10 years putting up that border wall actual fencing okay i'm starting to figure this out it's starting to make sense rich parents

Middle class. That's what rich parents, people with rich parents say. You shine a light on the fact that his father is Rob Zombie. This is Josh Zombie, the son of... Josh Zombie. His government name is Michael Zombie. He's like Marilyn Hanson. I love it. What does your father do for a living? He sold car insurance.

Actually, he digs through the ditches and burns through the witches. That's at night. Yeah. Brandon Batik, a decent set. Welcome to Austin. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. There goes Brandon Batik, everybody. Quick one for him tonight.

And that brings us to that undeniable moment in the show where only one thing in the world can possibly happen. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kill Tony Hall of Famer and record holder for all time sets and interviews with a brand new minute yet again.

the Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tarantula, the St. Louis Laredo Lady Killer, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is indeed William Montgomery with a brand new minute. Oh my goodness, it's him. Everybody says dogs are racist, but mine's actually homophobic.

I tried to take my dog to San Francisco and she said, and I quote, either board me or euthanize me. 47-year-old Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny was recently found dead in prison. Russian officials said he died from sudden death syndrome, which is kind of weird because I didn't even realize he knew Hillary Clinton.

This is a really weird rumor, but I just heard the Aaliyah plane crash happened because the pilot tried to ghost ride the whip. Okay, that's my time. Thank y'all. Wow. Doing it like only he can do it, ladies and gentlemen. William lights out Montgomery with another super topical set mixed in with an Aaliyah plane crash joke.

Unbelievable. I love it. You cover the death of the, what was it, the journalist. Yeah, Alexei Navalny. I mean, it's really crazy how Hillary Clinton really has reached her tentacles even to the far reaches of our planet Earth. I mean, I'm almost a little worried to even talk about her fucking old ogre-looking fucking ass right now because...

And I'm worried, Tony. I'm worried about myself. Today, I was watching, I was at my perch, and I was watching this homeless man go through the garbage can for a couple hours, and I finally got up the nerve to get a bag of trash that I just made, and I went out there, and I started talking to him in this really aggressive southern accent, just trying to scare his ass. And he's just looking in a mirror? Uh...

All right, all right. Keep going. What did you do? You kill him? No, but I did go back out there. I got my pocket knife and I went back out there because he was still out there and I said, you can go through the shit, just clean it all up. And when I get back, I had to leave somewhere. When I get back, all the shit's still on the ground. So I go up to him and I'm like, hey, are you going to clean all this shit up? What are you going to, are you leaving it there? And then I was like, have fun on the streets.

And my freaking, I got in trouble. My girlfriend heard me say that, and she was like, you seemed okay, but then when you said have fun on the streets, she took offense to that. So maybe I shouldn't have said that. But he started coming at me, Tony, and I ran up the stairs of my apartment like a little bitch because I didn't want to have a confrontation, but he came at me. For those of you, let me just...

I just want to let you know why Red Band and I are holding back laughter right now, deeply, because all the stuff that William talks about tends to be, you know, I don't want to give away the kayfabe and the beauty of the show, but, you know, it's not always real with William. You know, the sponsorship, some of the things that he says and does, but when it comes to the living neighbor of his neighborhood, William Montgomery, everything that you hear is real.

So when he's saying that he's gonna build an escalator in his apartment, not true, right?

when he's talking about seeing things outside of his window or sitting on his perch, these are the things that he talks about in the green room before a show in a theater. These are the things he talks about on an airplane at fancy restaurants at Mitzi's after an episode of Kill Tony when everybody's talking about thriving and the future arenas. He goes, this fucking neighbor. Yeah.

It's like a real thing. So this story, the reason why Redman's dying of laughter is because we know that that actually happened today. It did. The only thing I don't believe is the girlfriend. That part stood out to me.

What would you have guessed? Or what would you say? Like a boyfriend? Or what would you... Or just by myself? Yeah, I assume you're in a trailer rotting away. I was eating Butterfingers this weekend in two bites. I was getting... Whoa. Yeah, I mean... I ate like five of them. I had the munchies so bad on Saturday night. Oh, yeah? A little weed? Yes, smoking a little weed. And yeah, I ate five Butterfingers in ten bites. Nice.

Nice. That's an accomplishment. Solid stats. Yeah. Good numbers. Are you talking about the actual full-size Butterfinger or are you going bite-size here? No, full-size. Not corn-size, but regular-size. You weren't choking on the Butterfinger? No. I mean, if I can get half of it in my mouth, I can literally, with a little pushing, get it down my throat.

Because literally, you don't get as full if you're just kind of forcing it down your throat. And I really wanted to eat Butterfingers. I was having a bad time during one of the sets. All the sets went good in Spokane, but the first Friday, I see these two pieces of shit sitting in the very front, and they immediately position their phone...

where it looks like it's recording me, which is fine, but then halfway through in real time, I'm thinking they're recording me. I'm bombing. So I'm having this whole inner monologue thing during the set. So it's a disaster in my eyes. I think it was fine for everybody else, but it was scary, Tony. It was horrible. So what did you do? Did you acknowledge the phones?

I didn't, but I was acknowledging everybody else. I was calling everybody else a bitch and going really aggressively after everybody, but I was too scared because I thought if I'm wrong... How could a phone be positioned to look like it's recording? Was it flat on the table? It was positioned up on something with the speaker part where closest to me. So, I mean, that means they were recording me. Yeah, you didn't...

Think about saying anything? - That's too much of a pussy, man. I mean, that's why it killed me earlier with that homeless dude. I should've got my fucking knife out and really finally showed somebody who's boss. Because Tony, I swear, I talk about strangling so much, there's a side of me that really wants to start strangling or something. So tonight could've been my chance. I probably could've gotten away with it. - What I don't understand, William, what I don't understand-- - You think that's funny, you dumbass? You'd be the first person I fucking got.

And everybody would think you just had a fucking heart attack or something, dumbass. Except for all the cum everywhere. If you were to choke me... There you go. He trapped you. He trapped you into bombing just then. Yeah. Okay, so...

So what I don't understand is, you know, I see you here all the time. I take you on the road all the time. You're always crushing. How is it possible that at your own show where people are specifically buying tickets to William Montgomery, why do you feel like you were bombing? How does that happen? No, I don't think I actually was just in my head. I'm thinking that's happening. So it's, I don't, I don't know. I don't think it was actually happening. I think it was actually going okay. Oh, okay. Yeah. So it was okay. Yeah.

What about a special? Are we going to get a special on YouTube from you soon? Yeah, we'll see. I mean, it's taken me freaking Coon's age to come up with 45 minutes. I don't believe you're allowed to be able to... I don't think... No, no, with the beard, it clears. It clears. How long is what you said? How long is that length of time? I guess maybe we should ask John Dees or D Madness.

Okie dokie. You know, actually, that reminds me. I think we have something for D Madness, don't we? Can we bring that out now? Would that be crazy to do that? This is kind of improvised. Just grab it right now and then we'll do that.

So, William, is there anything you're passionate about this week? Have you been eating your all-fiber brand buds? I did earlier today. And actually, in Spokane, I had the best pancakes I've ever had in my life. I've never had a pancake with not only buttermilk but also sourdough mix. And with the pancakes, it was to die for. Okay. I'm actually fucking kind of pumped about that.

Those in Spokane? Yes, yes. Is that where you learn the terminology, a coon's age? Yeah, after one of the shows, these five or six kind of scary looking white dudes came up to me from Coeur d'Alene. But yeah, they were pretty nice. We've actually looked it up. A coon's age means a very long time. It is an Americanism that has fallen out of favor and is considered offensive to many people.

Oh, coon is a slang for raccoon, coined in the mid-1700s. The term coon's age was first used in the early 1800s, and in fact...

owes its origin to the folk belief that raccoons live a long time. Look at that. Not racist at all. There you go. It's just about the long life of a little animal. There you go. Theon's finally laughing now. He's allowed to laugh for a raccoon. It is long believed, the folk belief that raccoons are long lived. I never thought it was racist, though. Well, I mean...

Well, that's racist to not think it's racist, actually. It's more racist to not think it's racist. All right, this segment feels like a coon's age. It's getting weird. You're going to see this one on YouTube, and you're going to be like, hey, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Heidi, first of all. Yeah, Gina! Gina!

I haven't said anything about this tonight, but first of all, I'd like you to see how beautifully this cake is decorated. I don't know if you can tilt that towards them without it falling off, but at midnight, it is indeed D Madness's birthday, everybody. And we've had a cake decorated. As you can tell, it says happy birthday D Madness on it. I don't know if you guys can see that.

And I think it's only fitting that to end tonight's episode of Kill Tony, William, you should lead us in singing happy birthday to D Madness, everybody. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, D Madness.

Happy birthday to you. Blow out the candles! Blow out your candles, Steve Madness. It's right in front of you. Blow. Blow. Yeah!

And that is tonight's episode. Make some noise for Dan Soder on the road. Literally, right now, go to Dan Soder on YouTube and watch his special. I want him to get the full effects of the Kill Tony bump. One more time for Dan Soder. Woo!

How about one more time for the great and powerful Mark Norman, everybody! MarkNormanComedy.com for all of his tour dates. Tuesday with stories. We might be drunk. Two of the best podcasts out there. Check out Soders, Podcast Soder. How about one more time for Jet Ski, everybody? She's on tour.

jetskijohnsoncomedy.com jetskijohnson.com Fuck yeah. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in. It's absolutely stunning. Thank you to Squarespace, Shopify, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Gel Blaster. Let's see the drawing from Chris Rogers. Whoa! Cam and David Jolly. Unbelievable. How about one more time for the band? Terrell Shaheed.

Michael Gonzalez, Chesky Johnson, John Dees. One more time for the birthday boy, D Madness. Check out the Sunset Strip, ATX.com. Love you guys. Congratulations to JP Hinsdale joining us at the Kia Forum. Still some tickets left for Madison Square Garden. We will see you guys soon. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.