#654: MATT MCCUSKER
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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, y'all. The LA Forum is right around the corner, and contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube Theater two days later has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for Night One at Madison Square Garden, the two-night super mega event, the biggest in Kilhtoney's history. Travel. Go there. We'll see you there. And I am on tour with stand-up

comedy me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own stand-up sets I'm gonna be in Cleveland Ohio Pittsburgh Pennsylvania Boston Massachusetts Baltimore Maryland Salt Lake City San Jose Dallas Houston Texas st. Louis Missouri Nashville Tennessee Fort Lauderdale and Orlando and then that is all of the stand-up on the road I am doing until 2025 I'll be releasing that special just after May we'll see you guys on the road nothing but love here is another episode of kill Tony

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony H. Glimp! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Hey, look, it's Red Band, everybody! Yeah!

You did it. You made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony. You guys excited? Thanks to our friends, Gel Blaster, Yellow Rose, Red Rose, Hall Lop, from NinjaBuses.com, CM Smokehouse, Connect Mobile Health, and Asphalt 3D made us this super cool thing, this magnet bucket pool thing that now I can keep all the names that I pull out in order and in position. It's like state-of-the-art 3D printing.

Shout out to our friend Asphalt 3D. And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? God damn it. Son of a bitch. On the horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo. Not to be confused with the great Michael Gonzalez. And then on the diverse side of the room, we have the mortician Matt Muehling on the electric guitar.

John Dees on the keys and the dark force D madness on the bass guitar. Everybody before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all available for you. The sunset strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out red band secret show every Thursday, go to sunset strip, atx.com for tickets.

Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

You guys ready to start tonight's episode, huh? Yeah.

Every single week, I have at least one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week is no different. I love this show because I take great pride in not only pulling names out of the bucket and introducing people to people, to comedians that are getting their start or perhaps breaking into the industry, but another one of the most

amazing things that I think we do here is we introduce to you or remind you of some of the great fucking existing comedians that are about to change the goddamn game. This is one of those guys, an absolute monster. You know him from his hit podcast, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the great and powerful Matt McCusker, everybody!

Boom! Fuck yeah! His second time ever on the show. The first one being the New Year's Eve episode. This is his first time at Kill Tony, at the Mothership, home field advantage. One of the newest residents of Austin, Texas. Woo!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Tilting the polarization of the Austin comedy scene. One of my favorite comedians. How's it going, Matt? Pretty good. Thank you for the introduction. Matt's on tour. MattMcCusker.com for tickets. And of course, Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Shane Gillis taping SNL this week. We got Matt McCusker on the number one live comedy show in the world. So fuck you, Shane.

So welcome, Matt. You did New Year's Eve. That show was fucking awesome. Crazy. We're going to have fun here again. You remember how it works. 175 people tonight signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And they have to wrap it up then. And then I interview them. We find out more about them. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Hold a name out. They go, they grab that person from the bar across the street. Poor choices, which is what we're going to see a lot of people make tonight. And we will begin with one of our regulars, everybody. Now...

Some of you might not know yet, but there is a new regular that starts every episode of the show. He's a goddamn force of nature. You probably know him from his hit appearances on, of all things, Kill Tony. I present to you one of the top young rising comedians in the world, Austin Zone. This is Casey Rocket. ♪♪

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name. All right. Hell yeah. Sirius XM radio. All right. Very cool. Okay. I got to get out of here. I got a softball game after this. It's not a beer league. It's a fentanyl league. Should be pretty fun. Just...

Me and the boys shooting up, sleeping on the ball field. So, should be a good time. Most of you probably know me as the creator of the smartwatch, but I also donate to a number of successful charities, most notably the Reverse Ice Bucket Challenge. That's where I dump a bucket of hot water on somebody who has ALS. Uh...

Easy money. Hell yeah. Get real. Look at this guy rubbing his eyes. You're not dreaming, sweetie. This dude's fast as fuck. All right. Come on. Get lost. That's what I do every time I see a police horse. I just gargle his lips a little bit. Solve any crimes lately, brainiac? But, you know, it's Biden's America. Police are horses. Okay, we're done. Thank you. KC Rockett. KC Rockett.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. The fucking mighty machine of Morocco. Casey Rocket has arriveth. Another brand new minute. Thank you. So much goddamn fun. Wee-hee! All right, yeah, fun. I don't know why I thought you were all going to yell like that, too. Okay. Didn't feel good. Okay. You are a fucking phenom of...

this weekend for the first time ever in my standup, uh, comedy history, I took Casey rocket to a massive theater to open up for me. Uh,

And it was un-fucking-believable. If you think he's fun in large, sold-out comedy rooms, you should see him in an unbelievably huge, sold-out theater. His crab walk from side to side is so fast. Have you ever measured it? Like, have you ever measured, like, what's your 40 crab walk? Oh, crab 40? Yeah, 3.5. Yeah. It's unbelievable. Yeah, it's about Mach 3.

Mach three or four. The key is small steps. I don't want to tell you too much, but... He uses the entire stage. I mean, you actually watch him lose like three or four pounds in 15 minutes on a theater stage. It is absolutely incredible. Your cardio is amazing. How do you stay in shape? One day at a time, just spending time with my friends and...

Sitting down with a good book and...

Just hoping for the best. Yeah, playing... No, I don't know what I was going to say. Playing something, just hanging with the boys and crabbing a lot. We're doing stand-up all the time, so I have a very specific skill set of just crab-based cardio that doesn't translate to almost anything else in life. Except the bedroom. Wink. And just fucking crabbing circles around her. Yeah.

Are you close yet? Where did the crab walk originate from? What was your inspiration? Honestly, okay. So me and my friend, I mean, honestly? So me and my friend Tommy drank a bunch of Robitussin when we were 15 years old. It's absolutely true.

And he was walking around. He was the original crab. I paid him $100,000 for it. We were tripping on Robitussin, and he got really red. He got flushed, probably because it's like poison or whatever. But at the time, we were like, oh, you're so red. And he was walking around going, crab, crab boy, crab boy. And I was like, oh my... It's perfect. And...

So it became a thing in our friend group that we would all crab around all the time. We love it. It is normal. Amazing. Unbelievable. Uh, there was a one point just to let you know what being on the road with Casey rocket is kind of like at one point when, um, we left the airport, uh,

one of our amazing producers, the great Christie says, all right, y'all were pulling up to the hotel soon. Um, if I could have your guys's IDs, I'm going to get you all checked into the hotel super quick. You guys can kill a few minutes and I'll be right back with your room keys. And Casey proceeded to pull out multiple different IDs of different human beings. He had a Blake, a Blake Shelton was one of them. Yeah.

I had a Punisher one, which is kind of like when people piss me off.

Yeah, Blake Shelton. There was a, what's her name? Billie Eilish. Yeah, so it was a bad girl license is what it says. I didn't bring it, but. Yeah. It is amazing, Casey. You are a sensation. Absolutely hilarious all the time. He has a very interesting diet. You want to tell these people what you eat for breakfast? What was it? Nitrogen bar. Yeah.

Slug space stuff. Nitrogen bar, gumball, um...

Pat of butter. Yeah. The nitrogen bar is really big, though, so mostly just one of those. Yeah. Just a reminder of how stupid Red Band is. Just then he goes, really? No, he didn't really eat a nitrogen bar. He's doing comedy. No, I thought that was an actual protein bar. Yeah. What is a nitrogen bar? It's not something that's just...

I mean, what's the joke? It's a fake... What? There could be a protein bar called nitrogen. That sounds exactly like a protein bar. Yeah, I don't know. It sounds like some interstellar thing. Yeah. Did you ever hit the oxygen bar at the boardwalk? Where's that? They used to sell oxygen at the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore. Oh, okay. Yeah, I've never been to the Jersey Shore. Have you ever done a vodka shot that's like they make it air?

Well, you breathe it in. Yeah. It's pretty sick. Yeah. Not the same thing. Free basic. Yeah. You free. Yeah. You're like free. I've done it. That's more my speed. Oxygen. What if you, what if it was straight up? I didn't inhale the shot though. Yeah. You faked it. I faked it. Oh yeah. Oh, it's so cool. Guys are so drunk on oxygen. I love it. Well, Casey, uh, what a great way to get the show started. You did it again. Um,

You're an absolute phenom. So much fun on the road. Can't wait to get you back out there more. Make some noise for the great and powerful Casey Rock. Thank you, guys. So fun. And like that, it has begun. I pulled the first name out of the bucket, and the show shall begin. How exciting, this new 3D board. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut. Anything can happen at this spark.

This is the craziest show in the world. Everybody else, when they do a fucking podcast, they know who they're talking to. We have no idea. This is 60 Seconds of Stand-Up, uninterrupted by Jackson Nami, everybody. Jackson Nami, perhaps. Do you know what the problem with gay comics is? They're too fucking gay. Like, I'm gay, but you ain't ever gonna catch me skipping.

My dad, when he found out I was gay, he took it pretty hard. He was like, "Jackson, are you gay?" I said, "I'm not gonna give you a straight answer." And then he came over, he was like, "Why you got knee pads but no rollerblades?" You know, I'm gay, right? But I'm not an ally. I'm not an ally. I'm in the axis of powers. It's Germany and Ireland. My boyfriend broke up with me 'cause he found out I was gay. He took it real hard. He took it right on the chin.

This black girl asked me if I say the N-word. I said, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? You know, the N-word like the stove. You gotta touch it at least once. You gotta see that shit's hot. You gotta... All right, thanks. Jackson. Namey? Namey. Namey. Welcome to the show, Jackson. How long you been doing stand-up? Six fucking years, man. Six fucking years, man.

Incredible. Where at? Houston, Texas. That's why I'm good. Okay. Sure. That's why. Houston. We know you love pumping for oil. I love it. So welcome, Jackson. This is incredible for you, Matt. Your best friend Shane is the newest Bud Light spokesman. This was the one right before him. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

He does look like one of those newfangled trans school shooters. No doubt about it. Liberal arts school shooter. I love it. Jackson, what do you do for a living? I work at a hair store. A hair store? Old ladies come up to me. They're like, what can I do with my weave? I'm like, nothing can help that mop on your head. Oh, shit. You're a bad hair salesman. Geriatric. Damn, dude. I love it. Are you gay? Nope. Keep dreaming, Jackson.

Keep dreaming. I'll let you jerk off to the podcast, though, back at home. I love it. So how often do you come to Austin to perform? This is my first time. Your first time? Wow, six years in Houston. This is your first time coming to Austin. And you got pulled out of the bucket first. What are the fucking odds? You're a lucky little gay guy, aren't you? Tell us about some of your escapades. You said you're not that gay, but you seem gay as fuck.

I'm gay as the day is long. Yeah, and the day, it might be longer than any of us know if that's how gay you are. It's like a 48-hour day right here. So tell us about it. What's the gayest thing you've ever done? Suck dick. Okay, uh, well, I mean... Palatio? Okay, yeah, I know what that is. All over. Okay. You did what? Okay.

You sure you don't want to try? No, no, no. I'm positive. You're not even HIV positive? Yeah. Keep dreaming. Again, you just really, really just, you're so gay, dude. It's incredible. Usually I'm so gay on this show, but you came and you make me look like fucking Red Band. You make me just look like a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a

I'm a manly man now that Jackson is here. So Jackson, what else do you do? What do you do for fun when you're not being gay or doing stand-up?

I just cry a lot. Do you? What do you cry about? This dude broke my heart. Mackenzie Jewell. Fuck you so bad. Wow, you called him out by name. Fuck you, Mackenzie. Yeah, Mackenzie. You fucking... You made the biggest mistake of your life, pal. Tell us about it. What did he do? How did this go down? I want to know. I want to know the fucking dirt. So, like, he's gay and I'm gay. We know he's gay, dude. And, like, two gays don't necessarily make a...

You know, we're both bottoms. We're both bottoms. Oh, you put the batteries in the wrong way. Yeah. Uh-oh. The scissoring, it just didn't... Butt scissoring. The old ass to ass. We're two catty bitches. It didn't work out. Oh, my goodness gracious. So how did it go down? He broke your heart? He broke my fucking heart. How did he do it? Tell us how did the breakup happen via text or...

No, we went to Orange, Texas and came back and he was like, all right, we'll gag it. You went to a place in Texas named after a fruit and you got broken up with? Everywhere I go is named after fruit. All right, you're tagging good jokes with bad jokes here. You're knocking them down. You're knocking them down there, Jackson. So tell us how it went down. Did he tell you he took you to Orange? He's like, I can't do this anymore. I just, I wish...

I need somebody that will fuck me in the ass. You wouldn't fuck him in the ass? I wouldn't be fucked, man. You just like being fucked? I just want to be fucked. I don't want to fuck. So how do you come? Sounds like a good marriage. Very hard. You come hard while getting fucked in the ass? If I think of gay shit, I come really hard.

Okay. I still don't really get how gay sex works, believe it or not. I know that sounds suspicious. There's a G-spot in your asshole. And it just comes out? Your penis gets hard and then you cum? What? You don't, like, touch it or anything? If you want to. Okay. If you're making this harder than it has to be. Oh, my.

Jackson, have you ever been with a woman before? It's a black girl. Okay. How long ago was that? Shut your ass up, Jackson. Shut your bitch ass up. She didn't like me. Right. Damn. She did the right thing. Shut your blind ass up. She did the right thing. Famously homophobic D-Madness on the attack. And he did. He got right in his face there for a second. I don't know if you saw that lean. Ouch.

Oh, shit. He's looking at my ass, fuck. Oh. Oh. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. D, you were nowhere close to his ass, by the way. Jackson, just up here. No, no, D, stop reaching for it. You're not going to get what you're looking for, dude. This is a trick to get fucked in the ass. Don't fall for it, dude. Keep that bass out of here. I like Stevie Wonder. Come on. Okay. Jesus, Jackson.

Okay, D, relax. Relax, D. Jesus Christ. All right. Jackson, fun times. Congratulations. D, sit down, you crazy bastard. Jesus Christ. He does not like gay people. It's a thing. He's like a wild animal. It's like a bear can smell a woman's period. He can smell semen in an asshole, and he does not like it. You got a lot of attitude, man.

A lot of gay attitude. Yeah, dude. I like your YouTube special. Thank you, sir. This guy's not gay at all, dude. He's fucking... It's crazy. My special was like conversion therapy. It just fucking... You think I still have hope? Like I could... I can find the light. I can... Absolutely, dude. Okay, tell my dad that. He needs light at the end of the old brown tunnel. I'm gonna fuck your dad.

Ever since I've been gay, my dad just worked on the fence all day, man. He don't even stop. It's not even broken. He just hate me. He just works on the fence? I'm going to fuck him on the fence. I'm going to fuck your dad. Don't worry. How old are you, Jackson? He's going to get it. 23. Do you still live with your parents? Yeah. Okay. Oh, nice. And what does your dad do for a living? I don't fucking know. You don't know what your dad does for a living? He fucking...

I don't know. Praise the gay away. I don't know. He's fucking. Okay. We're going to let you out of here, Jackson. There you go. When they stop answering, that's when the fun ends. Jackson caught the little joke book. Not easy for a gay guy to catch things, but he did it.

Welcome to another round of Drawing Board or Miro Board. Today, we talk brainstorms with UX designer Brian. Let's go. First question. You thought you'd see everyone's idea in the team brainstorm, but you've got a grand total of one. Drawing Board or Miro Board? Drawing Board. In Miro, the team can add ideas now or later. And with privacy mode, we can keep them anonymous until they're good to share. Correct.

And

And he's wild. For a limited time, visit Miro.com slash brainstorm now and get a free business plan trial to unlock even more brainstorming tools like private mode and voting. That's M-I-R-O dot com slash brainstorm now.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Gordon Sumner, everybody. Gordon Sumner. Moving on to Gordon Sumner. Bucket pool number two. Oh, look, it's the great Heidi, everybody. I forgot to mention we have a new member of the crew. Heidi Golznig, everyone. You might remember her from the New Year's Eve episode of

Kill Tony. There she goes. Heidi, everybody. We got to get her out at a better time, producers, than when the comedian comes out. Make some noise one more time for Gordon Sumner, everybody. Gordon Sumner. What's up, everybody? So I got a problem with Pete Davidson. Okay? He's too tall, he's too good at comedy, and his dick is too big. Okay? But you know what he proves? You can't be...

Great at comedy. You can't be tall and have a father. Anybody here do jujitsu? You look like the kind of guy that does jujitsu. This guy right here. Hold on. Let me pause for a sec. You look like the kind of guy that does jujitsu. You do jujitsu? Oh my god. I got a problem with jujitsu people too, you know? Because...

First of all, it's very erotic of a sport. You're either a top or a bottom, right? You get this crazy cauliflower eye, ear. And then if you ever want to fight one of these weirdos, they say, all right, come on. That's my time. There we go. Gordon Sumner. All right. We started the show with a gay guy and then a faggot. This is exciting. Oh, my God. Gordon, absolutely terrible.

demanding to do crowd work with this tough guy in the front row. He said, do you do jujitsu? And the guy said, better than your comedy. You guys didn't get to hear that, but he got lit the fuck up by a Kill Tony fan in the front row. Be careful what you wish for trying to bring people into your set. What? I was scared. I was scared. I'm sorry for cutting you off. There you go. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up?

On and off about six years. Jesus Christ. On and off for six years. Oh, Matt McCusker. So you've been focusing more on like selling Percocets? Like what are you up to? You're dressed like every Perc dealer I knew in the early 2000s. No doubt about it. Do you sell some kind of drugs? I used to, yeah. What kind of drugs did you sell?

I can't. There's no cops here, right? Coke, weed. Right on. Yeah, Coke. Okay. So you think there's a cop here that's going to get you for drugs that you used to sell? Or do you still sell them? Listen, I love the 5-0. Answer the question. Where were you last Friday?

It is. I think it's the hair dye job because it's like blonde, but it's not bleach blonde. It's like the concentrated lemon juice. Remember when people used to... He might be on the lam right now. He's in disguise. It's like Ponyboy from The Outsiders. There you go. Super topical reference for the young kids.

Good God almighty. He's on the run from that eight ball he sold three years ago. Gordon, what do you do for a living now? I'm unemployed. What was the last job that you had? I used to drive trucks. What kind of trucks? Not quite a CDL level, but like below that, you know. U-Hauls? Yeah. Yeah, what kind of trucks exactly? Describe the truck and what would be in the truck.

It was a moving company, and it was below that. You were a furniture mover. You moved furniture. I used to move furniture, yeah. And you call yourself a truck driver. And you expected me to just move on with no follow-up questions. That's stealing valor from the truck drivers. That is extreme stolen valor. Unbelievable. I was a truck driver. It was a really big minivan. I was driving that around.

Backed it into spaces. It wasn't a big deal. I could move a lot of boxes. Did you get fired from the moving company or did you quit? I quit. How long ago was this? It's like a year ago. You've been unemployed for a year? Yeah. So how do you survive? Describe to these people realistically, being honest. I'm a fucking genius. That's how I... Okay, very good. So how do you do it?

There's some officers here tonight, actually. There are some officers. I saved money, and then I just decided to pursue comedy. You saved money while moving furniture? I rap, too. I'm a rapper. Oh, you're a rapper? Yeah. Really? Are you really a rapper? Tell Michael what kind of beat you want. Tell Michael and D-Madness what kind of beat you want. You got Forgot About Dre? What? Forgot About Dre. Forgot About Dre. Matt Muehling? You got that?

Yeah, dude. One, two, one, two, three, four. It's a bunch of dipper-ish motherfuckers act like they forgot about Dre. No, you just did what they do. That's a karaoke? No, dude, he's doing the hook. You said you were a fucking rapper. You just did an Eminem impression. He's Warren G. He's Warren G. He's hooks only. I'm not that. He just did the chorus. Hooks only, dude. You're not a rapper at all.

You just did what they do. I just try to fucking entertain, you know? So you're not a rapper? I just try to make people laugh, you know? People smile. That was sick. That was very funny. Yeah. That was so funny. Okay. That was just... My mind is literally blown. I do whatever it takes, okay? Well, you're doing nothing.

You're lying. You just lied to us up here. I'm a rapper. Okay, give us a beat. All right. And then you just did it. Motherfuckers act like they forgot about Trey. Like anybody can do that. Anybody can fucking do that. The chick from Houston with her arms crossed can do that. Yeah, she's fucking pissed. Yeah, I can. Finally, you finally woke her ass up. I can actually see the American flag. She has uncrossed her arms.

Do you have any talent whatsoever in any field? Six years on and off of comedy. Your rap game is atrocious. You don't rap. Do you do anything? You saved up enough money moving furniture to survive? There's nothing to you. This guy is just me. The more that I look at him, I'm like, fuck, dude, this is just me five years ago. You make up your question. I sing, too. You know, I sing. I sing. No, you don't. No one believes you. He said he can sing. Yo. Okay, thank you.

Thank you. Okay, there he goes, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along. There goes Gordon Sumner. Have you been on before? You got a little joke book? First time. You do now. There he goes. Gordon Sumner, everybody. Good job, bro. Good shit, man. Okay, we don't need to do that, but you have an open wound on your hand, by the way. It's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Right on his knuckle. Okay. You get a punch in the steering wheel, cut this fucking...

Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Billy Swift, everybody. Billy Swift. You guys think anybody's ever taken a Viagra recreationally? Like, no sexual purpose, just a guy wakes up, he's like, I don't know, man, I want to look good today. You know? I think we should normalize that shit. You know, all these chicks getting half-priced coffees with their tits hanging out.

I want a Papa Viagra and try buy a 2008 Toyota, you know? Oh, you sure you can't take $1,500 off the price? Well, how about now, big boy? You know what I mean? Three-quarter chub, get a quarter off the price. I'm recently single, and I've realized that I like different things sexually now that I'm single. I've realized that I like to make girls queef.

It's just kind of like the trumpets of victory to me, you know? Like, I start hearing that shit get to going. I start stomping my foot, beating on her stomach, you know? Turn her into Mumford and Cunts, you know what I mean? I mean...

All right, thank you, everybody. That's been my time. There he is, Billy Swift doing comedy. That's our first, I believe, actual set of the night from a human being. Welcome, Billy. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years now. Two and a half years, making the six-year people look like fucking one-week people. Unbelievable, Billy. Matt? Matt?

I thought he did great, yeah. Yeah. Thanks, dude. I was hoping you'd ask this guy if he did jujitsu right after saying Pete Davis' dad died. Two and a half years, Billy Swift. Where at? Orlando. Orlando, Florida. Yes, sir. The home of the great Cam Patterson. You know Cam? Yes, sir. Yeah. We were pretty good friends. Went back, like, when I started, he was around the same time. Okay. How often do you come to Austin, Texas? Oh, I just moved here January 1st. Nice. Congratulations. Thank you, sir.

Happy New Year, too. Yeah, thanks, man. I appreciate that. What do you do for work, Billy? I install blinds or shades and shit like that. Whoa, D-Madness, be careful. He qualifies as both a blind and a shade, if you know what I mean.

We call them shades sometimes, these types of people, you know what I mean? Not to be confused with Slim Shady, whose amazing music we just heard a moment ago.

Billy Swift from Orlando. You moved here and you're installing blinds here? Yes, sir. And everything's going good? Yeah, it's going great. Fucking love this city. It's awesome. What do you love about Austin, Texas? Tell these people watching from all around the world. The homeless are a lot crazier here. I like that. Than in Orlando? Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. Really? What's crazier here than in Orlando? I was just in LA and I forgot they're different there. Yeah.

It all really depends, I think, what drugs are on the streets. A lot of people with blankets over their heads, publicly urinating. San Francisco, shitting.

They shit on the streets for some reason. Tell us about the Orlando homeless. What are they known for? They're fucking chill. I mean, they don't really do much. You know, they're more heroin guys, so they take naps and stuff. Yeah. Perfect. Well-rested people. Yeah. Out there in the heat of Orlando. Yeah. The most magical place on earth. I've never... In Orlando, I lived there for six, seven years, and I've... Then when I moved here, I've never seen a homeless pair of tits before I came here, and I've...

I've seen so many. They're fucking, they're a lot. Yeah, they're not bad either. Oh, there you go. Homeless tits? If you clean them up a little, you know. There you go, Red Band working on new material. Hey, those tits aren't that bad, lady. You want to hop in my Tesla? Yeah, exactly. Hop in the back with me. We'll let it drive. You got a nice place, mister. Yeah!

I love it. How'd you see her tits? Huh? How'd you see her tits? The homeless lady. She was just out putting them out. I mean, so one lady just wears a tutu. She's just running around top and bottom showing, but she likes that midsection covered up for some reason. Her belly button? I think it's a C-section scar is what she's trying to hide, but she's fucking, your guy's a city, all right? I don't know.

No, but then the other lady was wearing like a muumuu and she just goes, titties! And fucking kept running down the road. Yeah, she was just making people's day. I think she just wanted to take a day off, you know? Wow. Just give back. Yeah, just give back to the community, you know? Y'all motherfuckers be giving me dollars and shit.

Which is the one that you see? Which is your home? Is it the Moo Moo one? No, it's the one that's covering up her stomach. I've seen that one. I thought yours was the Moo Moo since you respond to that kind of language because you're a cow. I got it. I know. Okay. Billy Swift, what do you do for fun when you're not installing blinds or doing stand-up? I used to train MMA. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Wow. I wouldn't have guessed that. MMA. What were you, the bag? Oh, shit, dude. I'm kidding, bro. Just kidding, bro. Yeah.

What kind of MMA did you specialize in? No, I mean, like, I started doing jiu-jitsu and Muay Thai and then transitioned into MMA once I got older. But I went into, I wrestled in high school, did all that kind of stuff. I had one professional fight, or one amateur fight. How'd that go? Shit, my bad. Knocked a guy out by 52 seconds. You knocked him out in 52 seconds and then you retired? Yep. Undefeated, bitch. Wow. I'm out. You're out.

You're like, if Khabib was a kebab... Okay. That was a fat person MMA joke right there. If Khabib was a kebab, he retired undefeated. Khabib retired undefeated. Kebab. Come on, fucking laugh, people. Laugh. It's a food kebab. Okay. I love it. So what made you retire after only one fight? Dude, I just got burnt out, man. I was doing construction, and then...

I trained from like fourth grade. My dad was a professional fighter, so he always had me training with him. And then I started from fourth grade, wrestled all the way through high school, took it seriously. And then I got old and just decided to stop. It's a shame the first bucket pool's father wasn't a professional fighter. You know what I mean? He's got to be straight as an arrow right now. Okay, okay, yeah.

What's your love life like, Billy Swift? You talk a lot about doing Viagra, having a boner. Have you ever do that? No. Do you know that gay guys can come from the bottom position without touching their penis at all? It's like a magician's trick or something. They just get fucked and they get hard and they cum.

That's a weird Wim Hof method. That's how I feel. That's how I feel. How do you think I feel? I'm hosting the show. I found out in front of a million people that that's how these guys come. I'm like, how do you come? He's like, what do you mean? By getting fucked in the ass. I'm like, what? You're saying you didn't know where the prostate was? I swear to God, I didn't know. I thought there has to be something, right? Yeah, sure. Have you ever heard of a dude getting milked before?

No. Dudes can get milked. Yeah, dude. Really? Yeah. This is the fucking weirdest ploy, dude. I know you're lying, all right? You know exactly what we're talking about right now. What? He's like, no. Gay guys can come from the pocket position? I have no idea. What? I'm so busy eating pussy, I have no clue. Oh, God.

Get out of here. Well, now you know. Now you know. Billy Swift. I don't remember. What did you say your love life's like? It's nothing right now. I was in a long-term relationship before I moved from Florida here. And you broke up with her to move here? No, but it just ended up happening that way. I was like, what else do I have to stay in Orlando? You took her to Orange, Texas and told her it's not working out?

Just opened up the minivan door, lit her out. Have you been with a girl since you've been in Austin? No. Have you kissed a girl since you've been in Austin? No. Really? No. Well, you know, we have a little history on this show. We have some of the best female fans in the world on this comedy show. They know how to play along. So if there's any girl out there that wants to come give this very funny man his first Austin kiss...

Let's do it. You guys think we should, huh? There's the red light. Anybody out there? Fucking nobody? Yes! No! Oh, this girl will. Come on up. Don't fucking... Don't milk it. I just learned what milking was. All the way down. All right. She's actually a pretty good-looking girl. Yeah, yeah. Billy Swift's about to get a deal on a car. Oh, fuck it, man.

Oh my goodness. All right. Whoa. Billy Swift getting his first Austin kiss. Here we go. Oh. Oh. That was a weak kiss. That was a very weak kiss. Come on. Give him a real kiss. Wow. Look at that.

Unbelievable. He went from MMA to HPV that quick, everybody. Absolutely incredible. Touched my shoulder. Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah, dude. How do you feel, Billy? Your first Austin kiss? Her lipstick tasted good or whatever the fuck that was. That was pretty all right. That was all right. That was an open cold sore, my friend.

The Austin special, baby. Yeah, the sweet sensation. That's a little fucking, you got to risk it for the brisket, you know what I'm saying? Billy, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go? I used to have a tit. I used to have one titty. Explain to us more what you mean by that. So,

I used to be a fat kid and then I hit puberty and I thought a cool way to show people I'm fucking tough is to get titty twisters and not flinch. So I just stand there and fucking take that shit and it gave me calcium deposits, pretty much cauliflower here, in my tit. And yo, it was a handful, people. That shit was nice. My nickname was Uno Bresto all through middle school.

Do you do jokes about that? No, not yet. No. You have to. That's crazy. It seems made up, though. You know what I mean? Like when I tell, I have pictures. It's crazy. Wow. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. There you go. Thank you so much. You just got a real gig and a big joke book. Welcome to Austin, Texas.

That's Billy Swift, everybody. First good bucket pool set of the night. He is originally from Orlando, Florida, and so is your next comedian.

An absolute fucking thunderstorm every single weekend with me on the road doing giant theaters. He goes up right before me. He's a fucking freak of nature, constantly getting better. He works it out right here. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson. Billy just kissed my dick. That's a dick sucking joke. All right, let's get it started.

I don't do crowd work no more at shows. Somebody fucked it up for y'all. I was doing a show one time and I asked a guy, I said, hey man, what do you do for work? He was like, I fuck your mother every Tuesday and Thursday and her pussy was bad. And my whole set went straight downhill. I had no response for that bullshit because listen, the first part, okay, you know what I'm saying? Fuck my mama, cool, you feel me? But her pussy being bad, that's some fucked up shit, sir. I would like, my mama got great pussy. That's what I would like to think. I don't know, but I would like to think that. I also have a good pussy theory.

Hear me out, all right? I think if you have good pussy, your kids got, you got good hair. That's what that is. If your mama got good pussy, you got good hair. Like you, ma'am, mama had good pussy. You, sir, your mama had good pussy. That nigga bald. So you tell me, baby. All right, that's my time. Exactly one minute. Boom, boom, boom. That is how you do it. Cam Patterson has done it again.

An unbelievable new minute. Welcome. Thank you. We're doing it, so... Yep. Hell yeah. We are. D-Madness is smiling because you're straight. What? Hell yeah. I got your back, D-Madness. No more games, but I love gay people. What were you going to say, John? D has good hair, and Matt doesn't. Damn! Oh, shit. Your mama a slut. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

That's the rules, baby. I don't know what to tell you. Dems the rules. Dems the rules indeed. Where did you come up with this theory camp? This is some interesting research. I thought to myself, nobody want their mama to have bad pussy. You know what I'm saying?

And I got good hair. So I just wanted to make sure that I didn't make me know my mama got good pussy. That's right. That actually makes total sense. Do you think guys with big dicks have daughters with huge pussies? Yes. Okay, fair enough. Gotcha. Yep, that's sound logic right up. That makes sense. I was just curious. That makes sense. I'm a scientist. I know shit like this. Yes.

That's correct. This is incredible. We've done more research into the hair pussy, big dick, big pussy. I do believe we've done more research than they did on the COVID vaccine already. This is very exciting. Anthony Fauci's watching. His mind's blown right now. Who the fuck is that?

That nigga got a cool ass name. Fauci. That nigga name Fauci. That nigga sound like a character in a cartoon or something. That's hard. Fauci? That's a good ass name. I don't know what he did, but hey, I like his name. I guess, yeah, if you don't know how to spell it, yeah, that's a good name. How you spell it? F-A-U-C-I. Call my dad, he'll get it. Cam's dad famously can't spell F-A-U-C-I.

He shows up on the road all the time. He is so much fun, such a cool guy, and he had his feet out. I was roasting his feet. He has these crazy, crazy toes. My dad got the worst toes in the world. Me and my dad both had bad toes. My mama would always say if he ever said that I'm not his kid, she would take my feet out. Right. Yeah. So I look, nigga. You guys have... Same toes. Yeah. You are a man of many talons. Yeah.

Yeah, remember when I tell you, right, if I ever like, I can't play footsie with women in the bed. That's, oh my God, that's right. Now that I've seen your dad's feet, it makes total sense. Like, what's wrong with your toes? They have like Freddy Krueger style fucking. Yeah, my toes like knives, nigga. My toes like, I really, I really fucked somebody up with my toes, dog.

Like, I got like talents. You feel what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. It's bad. It's not good. He's like Edward Scissorfeet. Yeah. They're just sharp piggies. Like, that's what they are. They're like pointy. I don't think it's wolves, dog. Piggies sound gay. I got wolves for feet. But I love gay people. That's true.

That's true. It's funny, his face twitches every time. I can see it. Ooh, the lovely Heidi is here. I believe that is a water for Matt McCusk. It makes sense for Heidi, everybody. Thank you, appreciate it. She's on Instagram at Gina with three A's dot H-G. For those of you that like a Instagram handle that is also a Wi-Fi password, hard to figure out, but I'm sure you fucking internet people will find her with great ease.

Cam, what else is going on? Anything else crazy this week? I like her titties. Oh. Yep. That is true. Good titties. Good titties. That is absolutely spot on. This week, nah, I'm just on the road with two. You feel what I'm saying? Yep. I got distracted. Yeah. Just on the road with two. You know what I'm saying? Running around. Shit been fun, man. I had a threesome.

- Oh, wow, I didn't know that. - I had to do something, yeah. - Oh, awesome. - Yeah, the first time. - How did that go? - It was terrible, I hated it. I did not like it at all. - Yeah, why? - One of the girls didn't know how to share. She wasn't a good sharer. - Oh. - Yeah, she didn't know how to do that to her. She must have been the only child or something. - Right. - You know what I mean? - Yeah.

I ain't like that shit at all. It wasn't fun. Well, I'm sure we're going to hear more about that in the near future. No, I won't. I won't talk about it again. Really? Nope. Reddit going to kill me, nigga. I don't play with them niggas. I don't play with them niggas on Reddit, but I'll murder somebody's grandma about that. You feel me?

Why the threesome? Why would you murder someone? No, no, see, if I do it again as a real joke, people get upset with me. Yeah, they get... Oh, yeah, yeah. Internet dorks are unbelievably unbearable. Then I have to find somebody to grab on. He repeated a joke. He did a joke in his interview. I was still imagining you naked with two women. I lost the fucking thing. That was fun, though. It was fun. You know, the crazy thing about the threesome, right? So...

I explained it to my homeboy, I was like, "Well," he said, "How'd it go?" And I was like, "Well, you know, I would go to one room and fuck one of them, then I'd go to the other room and fuck the other one." And then he was like, "That wasn't a threesome, they ran a train on you." - That's hilarious. - I didn't like that too much, that wasn't funny.

Now that I think about it, that sounds pretty gay to me. I don't know. I love gay people. Cam Patterson, you did it again. Another amazing minute. A perfect example of what a regular on this show does. Make some noise for Cam, everybody. Come on. Cam Patterson. There you go.

All right, onward we go. Back to the bucket where things can get dangerous real quick. This is 60 seconds for Angelo Seville, everyone. Here we go. Angelo Seville. I thought I got molested one time. What else? I just found out my dog's gay. You know, I got him from the shelter and I started thinking he was gay because he kept doing a lot of gay shit. But what confirmed my suspicions was...

I took him out, I fed him, and I left to work. But when I got home, I opened the door, and he was sitting on the couch, and this time the peanut butter was on his nuts. So I did it that one time, but, you know, I'm getting rid of him now. Not because he's gay. I'm not getting rid of him because he's gay. That'd be fucked up. I'm getting rid of him because I was gone for work for a couple weeks, and I got home earlier than expected, and when I got home, he was fucking a black dude. So you can't have that, man.

One last thing, though. One last thing. They say chicks dig scars, but you don't see burn victims getting a lot of pussy. Thank you. Angelo Sabil. The amazing thing was that you were getting laughter somehow. I'm not exactly sure how in the world any of that was. But I guess so. But a wise observation. Burn victims not getting a ton of pussy.

Yeah. So Angelo, how long you been doing stand-up? A little over a year now. Where at? I started about an hour north of here, up in Temple. Come down to Austin occasionally, but... Okay. What do you do for a living? I'm in the Army. What do you do in the Army? I'm a medic. Okay.

Okay. Have you served overseas? I went to Kuwait, but that was mainly just like standing around in the desert. It wasn't really anything cool. We're still Kuwaiting for a punchline. So you were just standing around in the desert because there's not much happening in Kuwait anymore. Not at all, no. Yeah, the war ended there a while ago. So why did they send a medic to Kuwait? It was during the pullout of Afghanistan, so there's a lot of refugees going there. But...

The Kuwaiti government didn't want them there, so they sent them away as soon as I got there. So I played a lot of volleyball. You played volleyball? Yep. Desert volleyball. Yeah. A little sand in between your toes. Yep. Okay. What else do you do, Angelo? I like to paint. Okay. I paint a lot. You gay? No. Why do you say it like that? Because I'm not. What?

I've never heard someone say, I'm not yet, because I'm not. I'm not, dude.

We believe you, dude. We believe you. Nobody thinks you're gay. All right. Good. Okay, Angelo. That was the goal. What's your love life like with the ladies? I'm actually married to a woman. Oh. Yeah, I have a child. A perfect disguise. Yeah. It's all one big muse. What?

It's just a big disguise. How old's the... No, I'm not asking what you said. How old is the kid? She's four. She is four. She's four. Okay, you spend a lot of time with her? Yes. What's your favorite thing about fatherhood? Uh...

You know, I don't think I've had a normal fatherhood. My child has special needs, but it's pretty cool. Oh, tell us about the special needs of your four-year-old. So she has a rare genetic disorder called Prader-Willi syndrome. What's it called? Prader-Willi syndrome. P-R-A-T-E-R? P-R-A-D-E-R. D-E-R. There you go. You could do something.

I'm gonna look this up. Prater Willy. W-I-L-L-Y? Uh, ends in an I. It ends in an I. As in... Oh, there it is. Okay, let's look at images here. This is what I want. Oh, it's headshots of Red Band. Disgusting.

Okay, so it's a genetic disorder that causes obesity, intellectual disability, and shortness in height. Do you also suffer from this? Yes. I thought she got it from me. Yeah.

So she's like a little ball, kind of? So it's such a spectrum thing. She doesn't really have the obesity part. Not yet. Yeah, not yet. But she is intellectually behind so far for four years old. Right, okay. So she's four years old. What is she supposed to be doing that she can't do at four? Uh...

Like speaking full sentences and stuff, it's kind of just like little words here and there. Part of it, like there's some similar symptoms with like autism, so she's kind of like socially delayed. Okay. Do you ever curse God because of what happened to your daughter? No, for a little bit I was like, fuck, dude, like why? But no, she's cool. She's super awesome. That's awesome. What kind of games do you play with her?

I mean, she likes like... Being pushed down the stairs? Okay, come on. Shut up. Shut up. What are you guys at, the serious show? Okay, what kind of games does she like? She just likes like roughhousing really. She likes being like...

picked up and like yeah thrown around and then she giggles yeah I love it who's who's Prater Willie who's it named after I think like a Swedish guy it's crazy who like when you get the named after you that's like I'm kind of jealous yeah it is an interesting thing it's weird it's named after like the person that discovered it but I feel like it should be named after the first person that had it that's what I'm saying yeah yeah bullshit fuck Prater Willie yeah

Yeah. Fame-hungry doctor. Exactly. Oh, name it after me. That's a tight legacy, though. Yeah. So how old was she when they made this diagnosis? A little over a month. Wow. How were they able to tell so quickly? She wasn't moving at all. Oh. Yeah.

Wow. She just kind of laid there. She was just kind of like there. Like something's not right. So we got to. Damn. We got to find out. Damn. That is incredible. And you're still with. Yeah, you're with your wife. What does she do? She stays at home with the with our daughter. Right.

I mean, it seems like that'd be a pretty easy babysitting job, though, since she doesn't move around much. Yeah, well, actually, now she's all over the place. Oh, okay. She's doing good now. That's good. Congratulations. That's fun. What else do you do for fun, Angelo? I do this, stand up, like to shoot, paint. What do you shoot, gel blasters? Fucking shooting ropes. No, uh...

Nah, guns. You know, like a straight guy would do. Yes. Yes. There you go. Now he has proven his straightness. It wasn't the child. It wasn't the... Now that you shoot guns, we know. It's a battle nurse. That's right.

An army of one. Okay. All right, Angelo. So one year in stand-up comedy, you think that's your best minute? I think that was the most punchlines I could pack into one minute. Okay. I think. All right. How often do you get to perform?

I was doing it for like four or five times a week for a while, but the past two months I haven't done any. Why? So I just bought a house and then I've just been busy with work and that. Right. Work. And you're still in the Army. Yep. What do they make you do here?

It's pretty like lame actually. I know. When there's no like I know I've been trying to get a solid There's no war or anything going on you just kind of like count stuff make sure everything's still there and Right. I'm hoping you find a war for you that'd be nice. Exactly. We might have a good one coming up soon that'd be nice. Yeah. Get you out there.

I don't want you being bored. But you're like ready to go, huh? So if we do go to war, you're the medic. Yeah. That's awesome. Okay. All right, well. Thanks for that.

Yeah, thanks for being a medic. Appreciate it. No problem, guys. A real straight hero. Anything for you. Anthony Sabile. There's a little joke book, my friend. There he goes. Angelo Sabile. Thank you. Everybody, we're going to keep it moving along here. You guys having fun out there? All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, Mike Ryan, everybody. Mike Ryan is next on Keltoni. How's everybody feeling tonight?

I was feeling pretty good to this gay comic back there. He said I'm dressed like fat Forrest Gump. His name was Jackson Nami. So I don't know if you guys can tell by my general demeanor or my fashion sense, but I go to a lot of strip clubs. Recently I went to the Yellow Rose. Right? Yeah? I heard about it on the show and wanted to go check it out. I actually saw a blind guy there.

I was like, damn, dude, it's probably cheaper to listen to Akon at home. He was singing really loud. He was like, I see you winding and grinding up on that pole. I was like, no, you don't. I felt pretty bad, though, because he threw like 600 singles at the cigarette machine. Thank you. Thank you.

Make some noise for Mike Ryan, everybody. Very fun performance. Thank you, guys. Thank you. That was fantastic. That blind strip club Akon joke, absolutely incredible. One of my favorites of the night. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four months. Four months? Yeah. Wow, this is a very backwards episode. Literally, the two worst sets of the night were the two guys that have been doing it six years.

The next best set was two and a half years, and you're four months. Yeah, so I worked with a guy, and he told me about this show. What do you do for work? I'm a logistics coordinator in the refineries in Houston. Okay. He told me about this show.

And I started watching it. I fell in love. I just started right in a minute. I started going to the Seeker Group in Houston. Shout out to Seeker Group. Yeah, we love the Seeker Group. Shout out to Andrew Youngblood. I produce his podcast now. And it's the Mess Hall Podcast. Check it out. Sorry to plug a podcast on here. We know Andrew. Yeah, Seeker Group is amazing. I just saw Andrew open for Mark Norman in Houston as well. And it was great, man. Great.

So I just fell in love with comedy from watching this show. Okay.

I love it. Absolutely. I've signed up multiple times, and every time that I've signed up, somebody that rode with me got pulled. So Will Loden, Trey Campbell's a good friend of mine as well. He's been one of the guys that's helped me out a lot. I recently had him in my podcast as well. I love it. How old are you? I am 36. 36. What's your living situation?

I get like barn or shed vibes from you. No, I have a house. Your own house? Yeah, I have a house. So when my wife left, I moved in a roommate because I didn't want to live alone. Okay, how long ago did your wife... How do you like me now? Hell yeah, there you go, big winner. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So when did your wife leave you? She left in June. So I got married in October and then she left in June the next year. I waited 35 years to get married. I'm like, I'm never getting married. I met her, fell head over heels. We got married and six months later I came home. She's like, I don't want to be married to you anymore. Why didn't she want to be married to you anymore? What's the real reason? So my best friend and best man, he actually died on my wedding day.

Wait a second. So... So I just kind of emotionally shut down immediately. Oh my God. How did he die on your wedding day? He was murdered. He was murdered on your wedding day. So where was your wedding at? He got shot two days before and he died an hour before the ceremony. You didn't reschedule the wedding? No.

Your best man got shot two days before. Yeah. Well, I went to the hospital and they told me he was going to be fine. And then when they went to do the second surgery to close him up. Wow. Wow.

I thought it happened at the wedding. That'd be like a live clue event. Like, whodunit. Bro, Houston's hood is fucked, dude. Like, I don't know if you know about Houston, man. Yeah, well, you know, that's why a lot of people that live in Houston keep their arms crossed so that they have a natural shield to bullets. Did they find the murderer? No. They never found out who shot him? What was he involved with? So he owned a very successful recording studio.

And he was recording some rappers and he left to go to the store. Apparently some guys and some alternate crews got into it. They had a shootout in the studio. He pulled up in the driveway and they thought that he was like this other person coming back or something. That's as much as I can assume that happened. Country singers, right? I'm not going to say the rapper's name, but one day. Why won't you say the rapper's name?

I'm not going to implicate somebody if I don't know for sure. You think that a rapper shot your best friend? I think it's somebody in his posse, dude.

Wow, this is all so interesting. Yeah, thank you. We gotta solve this. Was it Akon? I fucking love you, Tony. Aw, you're sweet. Hey, Jackson loves you too, boy. Man. He rode with me. Jackson rode with me. Nami? Yeah, he rode with me. Oh, you guys are friends. Yeah, we're from... Houston's tight-knit, bro. Hell yeah. Well, his asshole is not tight-knit at all. Yeah.

Let me tell you, I know from experience. You know what I'm saying? How do you think he got the spot? Bro, this is so surreal right now. This is my only goal in comedy. I only prepared minutes. I do five-minute mics, but I just do five one-minute sets. Incredible. Well, here you are. You're doing it. I love that. So your wife left you. You emotionally shut down. Thanks for bringing that back up. Yeah. Yeah.

Have you communicated with her at all? Yeah, she texted me today. No, we're still friends. That's the thing. She's younger, and when she said that she didn't want to be with me, I loved her enough to let her go. I didn't want her to be unhappy and just stay with me just to do it. She's got her whole life ahead of her. You're a sweet man. Thanks. Look at you. Thanks.

Guess what? If she comes back, she's yours. Yeah, that's true. That's what they say. If they come back, if they come back, it's time to kick your roommate out.

You have so much charisma. You do other things on stage? You have any other special skills or talents? I used to be a rapper. No way. No, you've got to be kidding me. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. No, you've got to be fucking kidding me. So I rapped over dubstep. You forgot about Dre? No. So when dubstep first became...

popular. I was one of the promoters in Houston that was doing dubstep shows and I also emceed over it. And I had a fairly successful local career, played on a few festivals, stuff like that. But yeah, you would never believe it by looking at me, huh? We absolutely have to get at least a sample. You can improvise. If you don't do good, it's okay because we know we're just putting you on the spot. The whole thing is improvised. One, two, one, two, three, four. That's dubstep.

♪ Rhymes be subliminal, I used to be a criminal ♪ ♪ But now I'm hopping on this mic ♪ ♪ I'm golden like the mineral ♪ ♪ So take it like it's literal ♪ ♪ Real talk, real walk ♪ ♪ If a hater's talking shit ♪ ♪ His body's lined in white chalk ♪ That was amazing.

- Bro, I know this entire get up, right? I've been growing the mullet out to get on this show. This whole thing. - You grew the mullet out just to be on this show? - This is not me, bro. This is not me. I'm hood dog. I don't know what to tell you, bro. Like my hands are tattooed, man. I don't know what to fucking tell you, bro. - I love it. I love it. - H-Town, baby. - Oh my goodness gracious. Wow.

This is incredible. You do have tattooed hands. It's down till I drown. Okay. We almost did in Harvey, too, man. It was all right. You almost drowned in the hurricane? It was bad, bro. Oh, my goodness. A bunch of my friends lost their houses. That's not that funny. Wow. Wow. But you didn't lose your house? Nah, nah, nah. No.

Just his wife. Yeah. In the flood. She floated him down the river. It's all right, though, dude, because I feel like I'm going to do all right with the ladies when this comes out. Hell yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. No doubt. Wow. You know, Trey is on The Secret Show Thursday. If you want to take a ride up with him and do your five minutes of The Secret Show. Hell yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Woo! Woo!

There you go, ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony debut of Mike Ryan and you're leaving with the big choke buck. There he is. Thank you. Thank you, bro. Mike Ryan, you did it, dude. Very exciting.

Well, he's been doing it for four months. We have four years, Anthony Sabile. Or wait, one year. Two and a half years from Billy Swift. Six years from Gordon Sumner. Six years from Jackson Nani or Naney.

But there was a guy on a few weeks ago who debuted on this show. He did his very first minute ever, wrote a minute, absolutely crushed and crushed throughout the interview. And I told him when he has another minute ready to come back to the show. So this is the second ever time on stage, the second ever minute from returning guests. This is the return of Carlos Lopez, everybody. Howdy.

Well, my name is Carlos and my pronouns are ye and all. They try to cancel me for that. Well, she it. I have a fascination with nature's leftovers. There's something about single moms that just gets my juices flowing.

I volunteer to fuck a sex robot for AI research purposes. I'm proud to say that not only does artificial intelligence finally understand human emotions, but I'm the one that tied the feeling of disappointment. Thank you.

Beats one after the other. Carlos Lopez, with a grand total of two minutes, has had two rock-solid minutes. How do you feel, Carlos? Fucking incredible, man. Thank you for having me. You have so much swagger to you, so much fucking cadence, such a powerful presence on stage. You drive horses around in an actual truck, not one of these fucking furniture movers. What?

You're a real fucking cowboy out there lugging around horses. Tell us more. I just live on the road, man. I've been blessed to see the whole country. Most people where I grew up, they don't ever leave town, much less see everything I get to see. I'm just blessed, man. I've been a good life. There you go. God loves white people.

Carlos, you mentioned having a love for single mothers. What is it about single mothers that you like so much? What is it? Can you always tell when they're single? Well, I know they put out. That's actually a good, yeah. Yep, great answer. They're very loving and nurturing. I could use that in my life, you know? Yeah. You're out there taking care of the horses. God damn it, time for someone to take care of you. Yeah, and if they're shitty moms, I don't have to worry about them sticking around. That's right. Absolutely. Absolutely.

They'll leave you even after your best friend gets murdered on your wedding day. That's how it works. That is how it works, people. This is real life. True. I love it. Carlos, you ever been married? Hell no. Hell no. Just out here hauling horses, slinging dick, and dodging babies. There he is. There it is. Oh, shit. We woke him up. God damn it. Dude, how did the cowboy community take Brokeback Mountain? Were you guys pissed or like...

Like, does it happen up there if you're out there with your boy for like too long? You guys get cattle fever? Hell no. I run in a cell barn if I have to before that. Hell no. Did you ever, you know, you ever see the movie? Oh, it's very poetic. Yeah. That's a perfect answer. Hey, the best, the best line is after they fuck, he's like, well, I ain't gay. He's like, well, I ain't either. Like, y'all just buff fucked in the mountains. You're already there. You're already there.

I never saw it. I started it once and I got so hard that I passed out. All the blood left my brain and I was smitten. That movie just made me want to go eat a pussy. You know what I mean? There you go.

There you go. Carlos, you're a real manly man. You're fucking filled with testosterone. It's absolutely incredible. What's the manliest thing you've ever done, you think? Just take a second. Love a woman. Uh-huh. Fuck, I don't know. I guess just handling livestock by hand, you know? Yeah, that'll do it. Some rank-ass fucking livestock. What's the most feminine thing you've ever done? Watch Brokeback Mountain. That'll do it.

He's so fucking quick, dude. He is. Lightning quick. We absolutely love you. You're so straight that D Madness has a fondness for you, too. He can feel it in the air. Carlos, what's your living situation? Man, I live on the road, so I got a place I call home at the moment in Corpus Christi, Texas, and I'm never anywhere for too long. Oh, God, you're so cool. Everything's like a...

It's unbelievable. Never anywhere for too long. God, unbelievable. You talk to the horses sometimes? Fuck yeah, the best conversations I've ever had. God damn, dude. I'll pray to God for yay or nay, and I like that. Yeah. Straightforward. Do you ever get horse lady pussy? Do you ever get horse lady pussy? Oh, horse lady pussy. Okay, he's coming for a second. Not a horse pussy. I mean, if you could handle horse pussy, hats off, cowboy. That's a lot. That's...

It's a physical feat. No, horse lady pussy. Horse lady pussy is some of the wildest pussy. Hell yeah. I bet, brother. Some of that old. You ain't scaring them. You're just trying to hang on. Don't believe me? Fucking try. I believe you. I believe you. I believe you. That's absolutely incredible.

What's your favorite position to have sexual relations with a woman in? Anyone with a woman. I was fine with me. Make it quick and make it stick. I ain't too big. Wow. No doubt about it. You ever breed horses? Not on purpose. Wow. Thank you.

This is what made us fall in love with you. He's got answers for everything, this fucking guy. It's absolutely... There may have been a time it turned out we weren't supposed to once or twice. It was not me. Wow. Now, uh...

Wow, that is incredible. What else do you do for fun? I know you're out on the road a lot. You're never one place too long. Rodeos, wild women. You love rodeos. Have you ever done a rodeo? No, no, I'm not a rodeo cowboy. No. But rodeos, wild women, and one night taco stands. One night taco stands. Yeah. Every fucking thing he says. He finally bombs. It's a song. Well, cowboy.

No, you're the man. You are the fucking best. It is incredible. I'm just a nasty comic, dude. I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that, but it was all so perfect. It is incredible. Can you describe to us what a one-night taco stand is? The taco stand I'm at for one night, whatever one I run into is my favorite one at the moment.

Wow. It's like a magic power for me. I can find tacos dance fucking everywhere. I found one in Traverse City, Michigan one time. I didn't know they had Mexicans up there. Yeah, I use... I usually use Google. I can locate them pretty easily as well. Oh, I see.

Partner, I just check into my phone. I find them everywhere I go as well. What kind of cell phone do you have? I want to know what a cowboy's cell phone is. It's a notebook. It's a broken one now. You got the iPhone. Broken iPhone, yeah. Hell yeah. It's punchy. Yep, that's what happens when you're out there. How'd you break, partner? I fucking can't ever keep anything intact when you're around livestock. Heard that. Yep, I got two dogs myself.

Always shitting on the rug. Pick it up in my bare hands and throw it out the window. You're in Austin tomorrow night? I can be. Okay. The great Brian Simpson has a show called Bottom of the Barrel where people have to pull topics out of a bucket and improvise in the moment

Jokes. And you're so quick. I want to see how that goes for you. So the late show tomorrow night, bottom of the barrel here at the mothership. That's an official spot at the comedy mothership. Not the fucking secret show.

This is the mothership. Is that okay? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. All right. There he goes. Carlos Lopez, everybody, making his second ever appearance. Only has two minutes, but he's going to be improvising tomorrow on Bottom of the Barrel. Late show here at the mothership.

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Whoa, Heidi. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Jason Vest, everybody. Jason Vest. Here we go. Make some noise, Austin! Little bit about me. I'm a retired veteran. I served 20 years in the military. Make some noise for that.

I am 100% disabled American war hero. When I tripped and fell and my boys come during a motel gangbang in 1996, people. Whoa, don't cringe, people. I was lied to when I joined the military. I was lied to. The recruiter told me, Jason, you're going to be saving lives on the battlefield of Baghdad, Iraq. I was not saving lives on the battlefield of Baghdad, Iraq. I was giving grown men STD tests.

I wasn't saving lives on the battlefield, I was a pecker checker! I was saving Ryan's privates one fat cock at a time. I was the Dick Doctor of Baghdad.

And I'm proud to be an American. You don't have an STD. Wrap it up next time and you'll be fine from herpes and HPV. But now I have PTSD because five of them dicks I handled were black. Do you know...

Okay, Jason Vest. Wrap it up indeed. Oh my goodness gracious. Jason, Jason, Jason. Tony, Tony, Tony. Hi, buddy. How are you? How are you? How long have you been doing stand-up, Jason? About three years. Three years? Three years.

Wow. Where at? Detroit, Chicago, now here in Austin. Okay. Detroit, Chicago. What made you move to Austin? Yeah, I started making content on the internet. I was in Chicago and I decided that I want to be closer to Texas. I'm a veteran. My fan base is kind of down here. I've got a tiny little following on the internet. You do? And I moved here to be a little bit closer to the service members that I...

Okay. What type of content do you make on the internet? So I hosted a butthole contest at a strip club in Lansing, Michigan, Tony. I hear you. You're trying to be extreme, but just explain to us slowly. Just answer the questions honestly. Clearly, your delivery isn't that effective, so let's try a different approach. Well, I think he's got that silly willy syndrome that other guy was talking about. Okay.

The old Prater Willie up here. We finally found him. This is the guy. So what type of content do you make? Nice and slowly and calmly.

So I promote events on the internet at strip clubs across the country. And what are these events? I hosted the 2023 Prettiest Butthole in Michigan competition. And that's women's buttholes? All buttholes. I said prettiest butthole in Michigan. Who won? A woman from Lincoln, Nebraska drove 16 hours to Lansing, Michigan to show us her Cornhusker butthole. Wow. There you go. There's Red Band's fart noise for the episode. He was really excited about that one.

It was a thing of beauty. Okay. So, Jason, three years, and what's the best set you've ever had? Do you remember that night? Where was that? I'd say the best I ever had was New Year's Eve last year in Saginaw, Michigan.

Ooh. And what happened there? What did you talk about on stage to make things go so well? Well, I did what I did here, except people laughed, Tony. Oh, that's right. People in Saginaw, Michigan are retarded, everyone. I almost forgot.

It's unbelievable if that worked in front of a real live audience. That is incredible. But yet I'm not surprised. If it would work anywhere, it would be Michigan. All right, Jason. So how long have you been in Austin? One month. One month. And how's it going for you? What do you love about Austin?

I don't know. It's cheap to live. It's better in Chicago. I live in like Pflugerville, just north of town. I love it. Ooh, Pflugerville, the home of Brian Redman. Another one of your people here we found. Look at that. You all have this... Huddle guy. Aw, there you go. Okay. And Jason, you're gay, right? No, I'm straight. I've been married for 17 years. Bullshit. What?

No, I'm straight. Straight as hell, man. Really? Hey, butt stuff is fun stuff. It don't mean you're gay. I'm just adventurous, Tony. Come on. I think Don't Ask, Don't Tell is thriving in the military right now. Have you ever been milked before?

No, but I milk someone in Iraq. I handle dicks in Iraq. Tony, I gave grown men STD tests. I've milked a dick in my day. Doesn't mean I'm gay. So wait, how do you milk a dick doing an STD test? So when I gave this dude an STD test, he came into the clinic and the doctor said, you got to milk his dick a little bit to get the sample because you have to put a rod in his dick.

And so then when I got done with the exam, the doctor asked me, he's like, Jason, how did that exam go? And I milked it. I got a sample. And he's like, you didn't milk that guy's dick. I just made that up. It was a fucking joke. He jerked that guy off for no reason. Wow. Wow. Jesus Christ. What's going on back there, D? D does not believe you're straight at all, dude. What?

Swear to God. All right, we're going to keep it moving, Jason. There you go. Have a great life. There goes Jason Best. We're going to keep moving on. Little joke book went to Jason. And on to the next one. Make some noise for your next comedian, Pedro Valenzuela, everybody. Pedro Valenzuela. Here we go. Kamala Harris looks just like my mom. That's exactly why I can't trust that bitch.

You know what I'm saying? Like, I trust Kamala Harris like I trust Biden with Barron Trump. You know, he's going to touch that kid. That's all I'm saying. He's probably going to touch him. I think it's funny how people that like Donald Trump, they'll never admit that they actually like him. Like, they'd rather say something worse. Like, I asked my boy, I was like, hey, man, you like Donald Trump? He was like, yeah.

I was like, what'd you say? He was like, no, actually, what I said was, I like watching dykes get jumped. He said that. That wasn't me. I don't like it. My girlfriend had a gender reveal party. Turns out she was a hermaphrodite the whole time. We used to joke around about how her clit looked like a tiny penis. And it was. It was a tiny penis.

That's it. Pedro Valenzuela. Oh, my God. This is an incredible night tonight. Pedro, remind us all, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing it like three years now. Yeah. How's it going? It's going pretty good. I think the life is going not as good. Tell us about life. All right. Well, I moved to Austin with a mission. I'm not going to lie to you guys. I am after the powers that be.

What are you? What the fuck? What is going on, dude? I knew that this was going to be a problem, but people think it's crazy. But trust me, shit is wild out here. I've seen a lot of things. I've seen. I'm getting you out of here. I'm getting you out of here. You have just go Pedro Valenzuela. It was a very easy question. Unbelievable. Go pee.

Matt McCusker is going to go pee. That gives our inside comedian enough time to make it to the stage. Perhaps one of your very own human beings could leave tonight with a set of the night from a non-regular. Some rough bucket pulls tonight. Coming from the inside, make some noise for Matt Cohen, everybody. It's one of your own people. Matt Cohen, are you here, Matt?

Is there movement from Matt? Oh, here he comes, everybody. Oh, that's a guy going back to his seat. Matt Cohen. We're getting, okay, from the farthest away possible position. Is he walking towards the stage? And now I present to you the inside zone, Matt Cohen, everybody. All right, all right, all right. So all my jokes are on my phone, and they won't give me my phone. Not a joke.

God. So you don't remember anything that you wrote? Nothing, man. Really? Like, I know, it's torture, it's torture. We have a phone unlocker? This is your phone. Congratulations, we got it unlocked. Yeah. He doesn't seem excited to have his phone unlocked, by the way.

It's off. It's okay. It's okay. Let's just do your interview now and then we'll do the minute afterwards. That's cool. That's cool. How long have you been doing stand-up? This will be my first time. Right. And where are you from? Tampa, Florida. And what do you do for work? I'm a marketing director. Hmm.

always the funniest people. It's all smoke and mirrors. What's your love life like? Pretty good. I'm happily married. Do you have any special skills or talents? Have you ever done anything on stage before? Special talents, you'd have to ask my wife, but she's not here. Okay, that's great. Is she locked up too? I don't know.

With a lot of excuses. Okay, uh-oh, here we go, ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted. He signed up for it. Make some noise for Matt Cohen, everybody. Thank you, thank you. So when I was in seventh grade, I had a friend named JT. And one night on the phone, JT asked if he could sleep over at my house. And I said, sure, cool, no problem.

Well, he said, when I sleep over at your house, I got something to show you. I'm like, okay. We were really into rap music, and I had the double disc album of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, The Art of War. I was like, thank you.

So I was really excited to show him that CD, like we were gonna listen to hip-hop music together, because that's what white boys in seventh grade did, listen to rap music and sleepovers. So there's a big buildup, it's coming, it's coming. So it's Friday night, he's at the house, we're sleeping over, hanging out, listening to Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, Art of War.

And we listen to everything. We listen to all the hits. Body Rot, Thug Love, Look Into My Eyes. You know it. So last song plays, JT says, I'm ready to show you my surprise. Can I keep going? Yeah, man. There's the stupid bear. Go, fucking go, dude. Go, get to it, bro. You guys want to know what his surprise was?

His dick. His preteen cock. He started stroking his dick. Okay. There he goes, everybody. True story. True story. There you go. There you go. You guys can boo better than that.

Unbelievably terrible. You listen to music with a buddy and then he jerked off in front of you. That's the whole thing. What? I was traumatizing. Okay, very good. Before I let you go, most interesting or compelling thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life? Ever. Your whole life you get to reference from right now. I took a trip to Israel and climbed Mount Masada. It was pretty badass.

Oh, God. Wow. Way to get the crowd on your side. Okay. There he goes. Matt Cohen from the inside. There he goes. Go. Go. No little joke book. No nothing. That was absolutely unbearable. Yeah. We have someone else from the inside. We haven't had a female on stage tonight, so we picked to have a female. Ladies and gentlemen, closing out your bucket pools, your first female comedian of the night, make some noise for Sydney Higgins.

Sidney Abusawan. That's a guy? Come on, Sidney, whatever. You have the name of a woman. Let's do it. Hey, guys and cowboys tonight. Here he is, Sidney Abusawan. Thank you, thank you. So I used to be the proud owner of two testicles. Yep. But I was surgically transformed, not into the...

Uno breast-dove, but into the uniballer. Cancer taught me a valuable life lesson: ball is life. I also had another surgery after my chemotherapy to remove some cancerous lymph nodes in my abdominal area. The side effects, although temporary, were unbelievable. I could experience and feel the sensation of an orgasm, but no cum would come out.

I was literally shooting blanks. Free birth control right here. Pull-out game? Fucking weak. About a year later, it finally happened. I came-came for the first time. My girlfriend looked at me with tears streaming down her face. I said, baby, what's wrong? She mentioned, we can have a baby. And that's when I realized my pull-out game was indeed weak. I had unknowingly impregnated her sister. Oh my god.

Okay. Sidney Abusawan. I thought I was pulling a woman out. You're one testicle away.

All right. So you have one ball. Yes, sir. Okay. What is that name? Sidney Abusawan. What is your ethnicity? So I'm Lebanese. Lebanese. But I was born in Sydney, Australia. Oh. So you're named after where you were born. That's correct. Sidney. Yes, sir. Okay. Creative parents. I was hoping maybe Bali. I was hoping I was going to get to do an a la a la ackball joke, but I guess I'm not going to.

All right. So how old were you when you lost the ball? So this is 2014. So I was around 21, 22. Oh, you're coming up on your 10 year anniversary. Yes, sir. Oh my goodness. What are you going to do? You going to do something special?

No. Perhaps. I haven't thought about that, actually. Yeah. Okay. Very exciting. Is this something that runs in your family? No, no. It doesn't run in my family, so it was luck of the draw. Do you think you did something, some type of karma from when you were younger to make you lose a ball? Yeah, jerking off a lot. Yeah, I was wanking quite a bit. So as a matter of fact, I've toned down on that. No Nut November is a big thing for me.

Is that really a thing? Do they say that if you jerk off a lot, your odds of testicular cancer are higher? Well, by jerking off a lot, you actually reduce your risk of prostate cancer, so make sure you wank. Okay, there you go. I'm learning a lot tonight about the prostate and jerking off and cum. It's the other guy's roommate. It was the guy's roommate from before. Okay.

Sydney, what do you do for work? So I work for a sports nutrition company. I'm a product formulator and a senior scientist. So we do a lot of protein powders, pre-workouts, creatine, testosterone boosters, help with the soy boys and things of that nature. Yeah. You think you're overcompensating for having one testicle. Yeah. Perhaps. Some of those soy boys out there have twice the nuts that you have. Yeah.

I actually have a Doberman. His name's Berlin, keeping consistent with the city names. Okay. Was he born in Berlin? No. Does he hate Jews? But he is intact, so yes, he has twice the balls as me. He's what? He's intact, so I didn't neuter him. Oh. So he has... You should have just took one from him. Yeah. Yeah. Little Dober boy. Okay. Okay.

And you make fucking protein for a living. What's your love life like? Is someone out there sucking your ball? As a matter of fact, yes. I'm recently engaged. Oh, nice. Hell yeah. What is the name of this one-titted woman?

Rebecca. Okay. What does she do? So she works as a clinical research analyst. So she works at a hospital. So a bit more about me, I have my PhD in exercise science. Wow. Yeah, so I specialize in muscle health and she specializes in cardiovascular health. Okay. So it's quite complimentary in that aspect. So she works at a hospital. Wow. That's the most autistic shit I've ever heard. Yeah.

When will your season of Love on the Spectrum be airing? Wow. Have you ever heard of Prater Willie? Yes, I have. That's crazy because your Willie got Pratered about 10 years ago. The old didgeridoo.

Why were you born in Sydney? What were your Lebanese parents doing in Sydney? Did they ever tell you? Yeah, yeah, great question. So they're debating at the time to live either in... They were what? They were debating at the time to live either in Canada or Australia. So my sister was a year older than me. She was born in Toronto. I was born in Sydney. They ended up settling in Toronto. Is her name Toronto? Yeah. Is it? No, no, no, no. That's not, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so then they settled for Toronto, so friends and I came here to visit to see the show and shoot some guns as well, because we're up in Canada. Hell yeah. Yeah. Shooting guns. Do you just put one bullet in at a time? Oh my God. Sydney, craziest thing about your life could be anything at all that you've ever seen or done, other than lose a ball.

Something you ever save anybody's life or have to do? Is someone like, we need a doctor, and you're like, I'm a nutritional PhD in research sciences. Hurry up, drink this creatine. Anything like that? No, unfortunately, a fake doctor over here, so I haven't saved anyone's life. So, yeah, cancer is one of the, you know,

interesting things about me and that's what I decided to make my setup make my set about I love it you did really good first time yeah first time ever yeah great yeah cuz well obviously with the PhD in grad school I give a lot of talks I like to tell stories and whatnot so I tried to integrate

the storytelling with comedy somewhat self-deprecating. So first time ever doing stand-up comedy and got pretty fired up because half tranny, half bald, not a woman almost there. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever you just said, I agree. Great job for a first time. I'm giving you a Big Kill Tony joke book. There he goes. Sidney Abusawan. Thank you.

Okay, we've seen a lot tonight. My page is absolutely filled with notes about absolutely insane people that were up here tonight. And now we end the show the only way we know how. I present to you the Sultan of San Antonio, the lover of leather, the baron of...

The electric water cycle. The SEAL Team 1. The Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. This is indeed William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is. No Nut November is a big thing for me. Dude, shut up, nerd! Nerd!

I tried to incorporate storytelling with Josh too, what the fuck? And also, I don't give a fuck if you climbed Mount Maasai, you dumbass. Holy shit, you needed your phone for that? Oh my god, holy shit. Not sure about y'all, but every day is President's Day at my house. I don't need a special sale to celebrate.

No, but seriously, for President's Day this year, I'm going as Warren G. Harding. California has built a border wall that has anti-climbing technology. Gavin Newsom defended the wall saying, I'm tired of revolutionary talents like Tony Hinchcliffe leaving our great state. Gavin didn't want Tony to leave California. Yeah.

Quick housekeeping announcement, but if you're the driver of a 2003 white and beige Honda Accord, your car busted as fuck. Shit, why your ass ain't getting antique tag? I'd rather drive Princess Diana through a tunnel in Paris than drive that piece of shit. And also, I was just wondering, do you get PTO in the CIA? I'm trying to decide if I want the job or not.

Okay, that's my time. Boom. Showing us how it's done. The regulars really coming through tonight. Unbelievable. Please never come on the stage again with me, you stupid bitch. Oh, my God. Whoa. Goddamn, bitch! Whoa, William. William. Tony, I swear to God, I've shit three times today, and the third time I almost passed out on the toilet. Why? Why would you almost pass out?

I don't know. It was, yeah, it was three giant. I don't want to keep on bringing up all brand buds, but dude, I ate a giant bowl last night and a giant bowl this morning and I took three huge shits. So I'm sorry if I got a little worked up because I don't need that stupid, but yeah, see you right there, bitch. Whoa, that's a lovely Heidi. Oh my God. Keep your tits in your shirt. Holy shit. Jesus, who says that?

Keep your tits in your shirt. Here he is. William Montgomery. Yeah, keep your tits in your shirt. William's going to get pussy from his girlfriend tonight for that one. Hey, bitch, keep your tits in your shirt. Good job, William. Smart maneuver. Your girlfriend of many years. I don't want to see those good-looking tits, bitch. Whoa. Those don't have hair on them.

What? Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. Oh, her bosoms. Oh, that was funny. There you go. William, an absolutely hilarious set mixing in Warren Harding into the mix. No Nut November. You went a lot of different places there. Fantastic work. Unbelievable. Tell us more about your writing process. Do you do that...

So today I'm thinking President's Day. I'm thinking immediately Warren G. Harding gets into my mind. I'm thinking I'm going to base the entire thing about Warren G. Harding. And then I'm thinking, oh, California, the border wall. Let me do something where Gavin Newsom is kicking Tony out.

And then on that one, I'm praying to the Lord that at the end of that, when I yell, Gavin wanted Tony out of California, I'm praying to God above. People are going to laugh at that. And Tony, I know that there's sometimes a chance where if I yell something and then people don't laugh, I mean, it makes me want to crawl into a little hole sometimes, Tony. And I think honestly, that is part of the reason I, two bulls of all brain buds, I

last night and today because I wanted to punish myself a little bit. I've been wanting to really punish myself recently. We've done countless amounts of interviews. You are in the Hall of Fame. You have the record for the most appearances on the show, the most interviews with me. And I cannot recall a time where I've ever heard you be so emotionally shaken before then. Right then, right there. Yeah, no, Tony, I swear...

To the Lord above. There are moments where these things are just coming into my fucking head, and I think, well, Tony, I mean, do you get PTO in the CIA? I mean, the thought is like three, like they sound similar, but they're kind of different, and then...

And then I'm just thinking, okay, PTO, CIA. And then I'm thinking, maybe if I pretend like I'm the one getting the job, people are going to look and think, oh, well, he's probably not CIA material. But then that's when I want to start punishing myself, Tony, because I want these jokes to

to be near and dear to my heart, to really be true to me. And sometimes it just, I start thinking, God, I'm some sort of fucking phony up here. And then I swear to God, I start loading up these fucking bowls of that all brand buds. And I put a bunch of raspberries and blueberries. So that allowed these bowls to be huge because I,

I put the Auburn buds in and then I put skim milk recently and I swear I will put it in there and then I'll wait 20 minutes for them to get really mushy. So then I can really spoon feed myself and I'm feeling real fucking nasty. And I really, it's hard for you to wait that 20 minutes, isn't it? Yeah. Sometimes it's like super hard. I mean, sometimes I'm looking at this, uh,

fucking bowl of this just mush stuff and I'm thinking oh what do I start putting the blueberries in now do I put them in after the mush has released when it's really settling in there what do I put the fucking blueberries in when do I put in these nasty little raspberries in this fucking all brand buds and then I just fucking start squeezing some of the blueberries sometime before they even hit my mouth

Because sometimes I don't care. Sometimes I don't care if the fucking blueberries end up in the bowl of cereal because, Tony, sometimes I'm staring at the cereal bowl thinking, wait just a fucking minute. I mean, I'm hungry right now, but I can't. Do you ever put the blueberries or raspberries in the bottom or in the middle? Do you always put them at the top? Tony, they are always at the top!

What's that dumbass look in your face, Red Band? What are you doing, dude? I'm up here literally about to fucking cry. Wait, show me your tits. Can I see your buzz? I'm kidding! William, you are all over the place tonight. Amazing. So the All Brand Buds, how much did they pay you, All Brand Buds, to bring them up every week on the show? Nothing yet. All Brand Buds.

I have to start just mentioning them a bunch. They told me he was part of the... So, yeah. That makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. Matt McCusker, you've seen William before. He's a force of nature. Absolute phenom, dude. Unbelievable.

What's the fiber content on those? 60% for half a cup. Oh my God. Yeah, and I'm eating, I swear to God, probably three cups worth in a bowl. So that's what? What's 60 times? Are there any catches to a ridiculously high fiber diet? You just got over skin cancer and hemorrhoids. You're sick more than anyone I know. Literally. They'll give you hemorrhoids. You will get hemorrhoids. I swear, Tony, when I was wiping my butt and I was wiping my

butt using the dude wipes. That is right. That is an official sponsor of William Montgomery. And I swear to you, Tony, I stuck my finger up in my butthole and it was, my butthole was coming out of my anus or however that works. I could feel it popping out of my butthole. This is a butthole heavy episode tonight. And it's gross. It's not good, but I could feel it with my fingers, Tony. Explain to us what you mean when you say your butthole was coming out of your butthole.

I mean, when I was putting my left hand into my... You wipe left-handed? Yes. How do you? What the fuck? Yeah, left-handed. Let me remind everyone, those of you who might not know, we've been doing this a long time and...

And William didn't wipe for the first four plus years that we knew him. He would literally, every time he would poop, he would get into the shower afterwards. It's the weirdest fucking thing. It angers me. It literally angers me to think about this. It was a thing that came up a lot. He couldn't poop out at comedy clubs or out and about or at airports. He would have to wait until he's at home or the hotel. And then he would...

That's what he does when he makes me mad. So it makes everything okay. That's why we have such a good, long, working relationship. So hold on a second. You have begun wiping finally. It took years for us to get you to start wiping instead of getting in the shower, and you do it left-handed. You are right-handed, am I correct? Yes. What would make you start wiping with your left hand?

I don't think I've ever wiped with my life. I've never done that. No, you do it so it feels like someone else is doing it for you. Yeah, you got to sit on your hand for a little bit. That's why I had to get in the shower, Tony. I mean, that process, sitting on your fucking left hand before you're putting it up in your anus. I mean, yeah, you got to. That's why we get in the shower. So hold on a second. You've never given up on a dump and said, fuck it, I'm throwing in the towel. I'm hitting the showers.

No. Sometimes they're so wretched you gotta just take it to the shower. You just gotta be like, look. Yeah, what if it sprays up all on your butt? That's probably... Has it with bad diarrhea? Sometimes I feel like the splashback is my old butt ends up having diarrhea. If I bought you a bidet, would you use it?

It doesn't fit on the toilet size. I was gifted one a couple of years ago. Do you still have it? Yes. No. What did you do with this bidet? You gave it to Goodwill. I have a couple bags for Goodwill recently. You gave a bidet that's been unboxed to Goodwill? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I kind of don't give a fuck, Tony. I mean, honestly, I kind of don't give a shit. Let them get fucking hepatitis. Let somebody else have fucking hepatitis, man.

You are an anomaly, William Montgomery. It is incredible. Week after week, you always have the absolute best interviews. It is incredible. I mean, 12 minutes has flown by since you got up here, and that's absolutely incredible. My attempts at- Shut up, bitch! Shut up.

Ooh, an insult and a wink. We've seen this before, everybody. The wink of William Montgomery. Whoa, there it is. Uh-oh, he doesn't give the, whoa. There's the sound that happens on the wink. There's one. There's another one. Oh, we can't see. You got to kind of cheat towards us if you want the sounds to make sense. Oh my goodness. Wow, whoa. Okay, that's a little loud. Okay. That really was.

Those were a lot of winks. Yeah, I'm tired now. Yeah, you must be exhausted.

All right. Well, William, you did it again. Un-fucking-believable. Nice to be here. Thank you. Anything you want to promote or plug, William? Still, please find me on Cameo and look at my Instagram for upcoming headlining. There you go. Absolutely. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Matt McCusker's on tour. MattMcCusker.com. Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Make some fucking noise for Matt McCusker. Thank you, guys.

Gel Blaster, Yellow Rose, Red Rose, Hall Law Firm, NinjaBuses.com, CM Smokehouse, Connect Mobile Health. And again, thank you to Asphalt 3D. This thing worked out like a fucking charm. Look at that. All the names stuck. Those are little magnets. So cool. This guy makes crazy stuff out of 3D. He made these mic stands. Just a fan. But...

Such great products. It's absolutely incredible. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in. Those are available at ryanjebelt.com. The drawing from local artist Chris Rogers of William Montgomery. Wow. What a piece of art. How about one more time for the band?

Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vejo, Michael Gonzalez, D Madness, John Dees, and Matt Muehling. Thank you guys so much. Red Band? I'll be in San Diego in July. Check out AmericanComedyCo.com. There you go. Good night, everybody. Thank you. The Forum, Madison Square Garden, coming up. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Good night.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.