#653 - JOE LIST
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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, y'all. The LA Forum is right around the corner, and contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube Theater two days later has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for Night One at Madison Square Garden, the two-night super mega event, the biggest in Kilhtoney's history. Travel. Go there. We'll see you there. And I am on tour with stand-up

comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own stand-up sets. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. And then that is all of the stand-up on the road I am doing until 2025. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on the road. Nothing but love. Here is another episode of Kill Tony. Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony! It's clear! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? It's Red Band, everybody! It's Red Band!

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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim anymore.

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Reese Witherspoon, outstanding lead actress. Did you ever tell anybody? And Jennifer Aniston, outstanding lead actress. When will the secrets come out? Billy Crudup, outstanding supporting actor. This is the show. For your consideration, The Morning Show, now streaming on Apple TV+. You guys all ready to start tonight's episode or what?

Every single week I present one of the funniest comedians in the world to be on this show. I'm excited about this one. You know, when it's somebody's first time on this show, I always have them with other people, kind of get them acclimated to the flow of everything. This is one of the funniest and smartest and coolest stand-up comedians out of New York.

amazing stuff coming from him specials out bunch of great stuff you guys are going to absolutely love him his first time rolling solo on Kill Tony make some noise for the great and powerful Joe List everybody yeah you can do better than that make some fucking noise for Joe List there you go

Yeah, fuck yeah. The horn players are fucking on one tonight. I love that shit. Fill in the room. Joe List, how we doing? I'm doing great. I've actually been on the show before. No, I know. But you were on with Sugar Sean O'Malley. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Sorry. Yeah, I was saying when I have people on for their first time, I have them on with other people to acclimate them so that they understand the flow of everything. And now you're here. I misunderstood. I thought you forgot about me. I almost killed myself back there. I

Nope. I told the guy, I'm like, I'm not going out. He forgot about me. I suck. I blew it. Joe, tell us what you got going on. What do you want people to go see? Where is it at? Uh,

Big show, May 2nd, Los Angeles, Regent Theater. Fly in, come out, go see. I'm up against Burr. That crazy show. Bill Burr, Maniscalco, Nate Bargessi. They're all at Hollywood Bowl at the same time. And my show's on Skid Row. So I'm a little nervous. On May 2nd. I might bring in homeless people if no one comes. So please. Unlocked.

You're also one week before we do a fucking arena in Los Angeles. The LA Forum, May 10th. A little fun fact for you. The return to Los Angeles where it all started. It's very exciting. We're going to your hometown, beautiful Madison Square Garden, doing two nights, August 9th and 10th. Fuck yeah, that's a nice room. I've done it before. I opened for somebody. I didn't sell it out, obviously. It's fun. It's a good room. It's legendary. Yeah.

Muhammad Ali played there. That is true. And Rowdy Roddy Piper. Yes. They fought each other. They actually did. And actually, no, that was a separate thing. But they did. They did something. It wasn't at MSG. I think that was in the Philippines or the forum or something. It doesn't matter. Who gives a fuck? Point is, you know how the show works, Joe. You guys know how the show works? Yes.

Over 200 people signed up to be in this bucket. We'll let that one be the first bucket pull since fucking the wind blew it out. We're going to go grab them from a bar across the street. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know the time's up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

And then that means they have to wrap it up immediately after that. It doesn't really apply for our regulars. We kind of let them do whatever they kind of want, and the rest is history. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Well, you guys are in for a very, very, very, very, very special treat. Last week, we announced that Hans Kim, who's opened shows for...

almost three years continuously for us, um, is taking a hiatus until May when he battles Rick Diaz in the rematch at the LA forum for regular ship. Since Rick Diaz didn't have to write and perform a new minute every week until then, we found it unfair that Hans Kim would have to. So,

So, last week we announced a brand new regular for the first time since Cam Patterson, a new regular who's going to start every show from now on. And this is his first scheduled opening of the show. Are you guys excited? Make some noise for the present and the future. It's the one and only Casey Rockett. ♪♪

Terry, Terry Bradshaw. Is this your hero? Pass that around. We're having fun. All right. Sorry I'm late, guys. I drank a bottle of Robitussin last night and I got stuck in Jumanji again, so it hasn't been the best summer. Ain't no fuss when you're on the tuss. All right.

Folks, researchers say there's two types of people in this world. Sure, I know what you're thinking. Yeah, the researchers. But what do they say? They say there's two types of people in this world. The men who go to war and the women who love them. And if you ask me, ladies and gentlemen, there's three types of people in this world. The men who go to war. The women. Oh, fuck! Who love them. And the third type of person, the type of guy who likes to cool down at night with a nice warm glass of Tuss.

Wow. Making it look extremely easy, getting the show started, a brand new minute from the great and powerful Casey Rocket with a special Terry Bradshaw toss remix of a set here. Yeah, there was a long pause at the beginning and I was like, do I go through with the Terry Bradshaw? Because I wasn't sure if it was a pro Bradshaw room.

Turns out it most definitely was. It definitely was. It's super topical coming fresh off of the Super Bowl last night. People are thinking about Terry Bradshaw. He's fresh on the mind and you nailed it. Who could blame him? Bradshaw on the brain. Yep, that type of year.

His photo is still getting passed around the room right now, by the way. I just saw it. It is. It's being passed around. No one's selfishly holding on to it. It is being spread like absolute wildfire. A goddamn sensation. Casey Rocket has arrived. Joe List, have you seen Casey before? I have. Casey's the first comic I saw at Mothership. And I thought I was going to see, you know, Joe Rogan, Tom Segura, and this fucking lunatic came out. And I was like, oh, this is different.

And my favorite thing is watching the people that did not get it. That was really enjoyable. Yeah.

Just these two are just baffled by this. They're like, I hope this isn't all night. And it was really fun. I'm a fan. It is amazing. He has, he has this thing where if you don't know him, it's kind of interesting. And then once you see him the second time, you're like, okay. And then it just increases from there over and over and over again. The more you understand that this is actually how this man operates on stage, the funnier it gets.

The longer sets are some of my favorites because you could actually watch him lose weight during the actual set. And just to let people know, he is being heavily restricted here. I mean, he has drums directly behind him, a cliff to the right, a table to the left. But when this guy, when there's not a bunch of shit on this stage, he uses the entire stage, the backstage, the two wings. I mean, he goes absolutely everywhere.

Famous for having a bunch of stuff on them, including random print-ups of pieces of paper. Casey, where do you get these printed at? Yeah, I go to Walgreens. Okay, pointless sound effect, everybody. Big Walgreens crowd. Yeah, I go to...

You hear that Walgreens pop every time. Yeah, I go to Walgreens and yeah, I had to kind of explain to him what was happening. My picture budget is through the fucking roof. So honestly, yeah, 50, 60 bucks a week. They're only like a dollar each. Amazing. And you do, you go through all of these things, Joe? I feel like this is a big show. With time, you may be able to afford a printer.

Those ink jets are expensive. They add up. But I'll tell you what, Casey, I actually dug into this information a little bit and my great producer Yoni found out that you get them printed at Walgreens and we went ahead and spent $200 on a Walgreens gift card. So this will get you through a couple weeks, I do believe, of print ups.

That's right. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe, my friend.

That's a real Walgreens gift card. He's getting emotional. For those of you just listening to the podcast, there's a tear in his eye. We've never seen him get this real before. This emotional music playing is happening in the moment. Everybody's feeling it up here. The horn players are also crying a little bit. Their eyes are filled with water. For those of you just listening to the podcast, if you're watching, close your eyes and let me describe to you what's happening.

Deep Madness is actually crying, which is unprecedented because I don't believe he has tear ducts. Something's flowing out of there. Perhaps there's a leaky ceiling or something like that. The room has gone emotional. There's a woman delivering a baby in the audience right now. She's gone into labor. The Walgreens gift card was just too overwhelming.

Casey, how do you feel? How do you feel, Casey? $200 in Walgreens gift cards. You know, when I was a kid, my dad said, Titty Boy LaCroix, what are you? He used to, he would call me Little Tibbs, but he loved me in his own way. And he said, what do you want when you grow up? And I said, $200 to Walgreens gift cards.

And he stopped me, and he said, "Shh." And he said, "What do you want it for?" And I said, "I want to print out pictures of Terry Bradshaw. And I want to print out pictures not just of Terry Bradshaw, but I want to print out pictures of John Hawks, okay? And I want to print out-- I want to print out another picture of Terry Bradshaw. Is that so wrong, huh?"

- Oh my God. - It's not about me, it's about you, it's about this country, it's about America. - Wow. Oh, he's emotional again, very emotional. Casey.

That should get you through a couple weeks of printing pictures. $200 from the fine people over at Walgreens. You could not be more excited that you're part of the squad here. Your first scheduled spot opening an episode of Kill Tony. We're excited about next week and every week moving forward. It's an honor, guys. So fun. This is really, really cool. Thank you. Make some noise for the great and powerful Casey Rockett. Thank you, guys.

Holy shit. And like that, it has begun a partnership.

at one point considered unfathomable, a union like this. But the rocket has joined Kill Tony. We found him out of the bucket. The same fucking bucket that we found Cam out of, that we found David Lucas out of, that we found Hans, William, everybody. So any one of these bucket pools could be the future of the show. Or it could be a completely mentally ill person who...

is threatening and dangerous to the core. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted to your first bucket pool. Nico Casablancas, everybody. We're going to meet him all together. How we doing, mothership? How we doing? How we doing?

Damn, I have to follow KC Rocket. That is nerve-wracking. Anyways, I'm sure most of you guys saw the Super Bowl yesterday, of course. Reba McEntire with a beautiful rendition of the national anthem. Give it up for Reba McEntire right now.

Yeah. I don't know if you know that when she actually got announced, Biden had actually signed an executive order to change the national anthem. Yeah, to a single mom who works two jobs, who loves her kids and never stops. So apparently she didn't get the fucking message either. So that's why we...

But, uh, yo, uh, happy birthday to the Baja blast. Fucking any Baja blast lovers in the crowd right now. Give it up. Yo, 20 years old, 20 years old Baja blast. Not that I love more than Baja blast and fucking 20 year olds. So, uh, that's what, uh, me and fucking Leonardo DiCaprio have in common. Um, that and, uh, saying the N word to Jamie Foxx. So, uh, that's, uh, that's my time. I'm Nico Casablanca. Thank you guys.

Boo. I knew the second he said, following Casey Rockett, oh boy, what a predicament. You could have gone up after anything and that would have happened. Absolutely anything. Dude, I love Casey Rockett. No one asked you. We know. We love Casey Rockett and that's why he's on the show regularly and that's why this is your one time ever episode.

Probably ever in the history. You spent most of your time saying give it up for things. We got Reba McEntire was about 10 seconds of your set. And then one guy, one guy, and God only knows what drugs this man is on. But one guy in the very middle of the room loved it.

It was complete silence other than one guy deep right there in the darkness. I have it kind of spotted, but it's a very dark patch right there. And then you spent the next 15 seconds making noise for Baja Blast. Give it up for Baja Blast. So between Reba and Baja Blast, the audience...

made about 25 seconds worth of noise for those two things combined, in which then you segued into it's 20. It's 20 years old. Yeah, it's 20 years old this year. You said that you like fucking 20-year-olds, which has nothing to do with Baja Blast. It's 20 years old. I fucked a Baja Blast yesterday. You fucked a Baja Blast. Yeah, I put it on my... Well, I didn't put that part on my TikTok, but... Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

And then what was the final thing? You almost said something compelling. You say the N-word to what? Jamie Foxx. Me and Leonardo DiCaprio have that in common. We like saying the N-word to Jamie Foxx. Django Unchained joke. Right. No better time than, I mean, Django Unchained came out about half a Baja Blast ago. Yeah. It's, I mean, not quite that in the universe, but I guess it's kind of a reach. Joe List, what do you think about this fat magician? Well...

My mom just told me I was fat, too, so thanks. Thank you for that. Everything you say sucks. Well, like I said, my favorite part of Casey is all the people that didn't get it, and way more people didn't get you, so that was fun. Yeah. If you like people not getting it, this is basically Dave Chappelle right here. I mean, he is the reverse...

Absolutely. People just absolutely awestruck at what you prepared. How long have you been doing stand-up? A little under two years. Wow. Really? You work hard at it? You do like a few spots a week or something? Are you really lazy? You have a terrible work ethic? I've been doing it consistently every week, at least four mics a week for the past six months. Okay. Okay.

So you really, really started going hard six months ago. How's it going for you out there? Is that your best minute? No, I actually just made both of those jokes up today. Okay. Why don't you tell us the best joke that you've come up with in two years? I don't know why. God, why in the world you would go on a show where millions of people are going to eventually watch it and go, I came up with this on my bird scooter on the way here.

I thought it was good. I don't know what to tell you. You thought wrong, but now I want to know, in all of your time, four mics a week for six months and a year and a half of procrastinating before that, I want to know what your very best quick joke is. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, with his very best, a name you will easily forget. It's Nico Casablancas.

So my mom told me that I should not pursue my dream of doing comedy. And I was like, well, how would I listen to a fucking woman that married the first dick that she sucked? You know what I mean? Like fucking... Your mom sounds wise beyond her years, frankly. Sounds like a brilliant woman to me. What do you do for work, Nico? How do you make a living? What kind of weed do you deliver for a living?

I am a consultant at an accounting company. What kind of consulting are you doing at a comedy company? Are you making things less funny? Yeah, because I'm charging them more money to upsell them on their things. Okay, tell us what you do at the fucking thing. So I just upsell people to bigger plans to make sure that they get all the shit that we're doing. It's software as a service sales. But what does that have to do with comedy? No, I didn't say comedy. Oh, he didn't?

Oh, you said you're a consultant at a what? At an accounting company. Oh, wow. I totally misheard that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's incredible. Sometimes the sound, people don't understand. There's like a reverb. I think you're just so desperate to hear comedy right now. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. It is true. But now that he mentions accounting, you do comedy like an accounting consultant. Yeah.

Thank you. Thanks. What do you do for fun? You seem like your face has a little wear and tear. Are you a heavy drinker? Yeah, I DJ. I've been going to music festivals. I've been to 77 festivals. I've been doing that since 2009. What's your DJ name? Solstice.

There you go. You got a laugh there. That's a bigger laugh than your best joke and your full minute tonight. Yeah. Solstice. Yes. You're a gay DJ. Even though we're both from Ohio now. Solstice. Ready? Yeah. I hope you like this song. I'm playing it for the next three hours, everybody. Why Solstice?

Equinox was just too much. You were going to go with Equinox? I wanted something that embraced the themes of two different opposing things. So I thought summer and winter would be good. I wanted to get deep in it because I have a passion for music. What about funny and you? Something like... Holy shit, bro.

What are some of the songs that you play? Like, what do you do? You have your own music? Techno, EDM. You have your own style? No, nothing up right now. So you just play other people's music? Yes. Right. Yes. Okay. And what's the most magical night you've had? 77 festivals, a lot under your belt, a lot slightly above your belt as well, as you are... Your mother is correct. You are getting fat, and you shouldn't do comedy. Okay.

Fuck. What's the most amazing time? 77 music festivals. Probably the first time I did the best acid that I'd ever had and it was at Electric Forest. And I felt like I was in touch with the trees and the molecules were like coming in my body and stuff like that. And like, yeah, like I felt like I was like really. I feel bad for the trees on that one. Like, yeah, this guy's one of us.

Would have been funnier to actually pull a tree out of the bucket tonight and have it perform. Nico, congratulations. You're leaving here with a very small joke book via the great Bones Eye. Real handmade Texas leather. There goes Nico. Not much to him, folks. That's what happens. This ain't easy. Comedy's not easy. Only about fucking a small percentage of people are funny.

Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Brendan Higgins, everybody. Here we go. Anything can happen. You said give it up for Brendan Higgins, gang. Come on. Hey, thank you for having me, team. I'm in from out of town. I'm a Mets fan, as you could probably tell. When I bought this hat, I thought I was going to be a backwards hat guy. A lot of my heroes are backwards hat guys. Mike Piazza, Bad Bonnie, Turtle from Entourage.

I realize it's a very specific kind of white boy who can pull off the backwards hat. Forwards, I look relatively stable, right? You know, maybe I get a girlfriend, maybe I'm married, maybe I have kids, maybe they love me, right? It's all on the table. Hat goes backwards, my ass is divorced, you know?

No custody, kids are asking to use their mom's last name. It's looking ugly. I feel like I look backwards like I'm trying to command respect that's just not getting commanded. I look like a bouncer who gets his ass beat every night. Free cover at my bar, just bring two knuckle sandwiches. I look like a youth pastor who got fired for offering to buy the kids cigarettes.

They didn't even take me up on it. You know, they were waiting for my ass to slip. It was ugly. I look like I always have a cracked iPhone screen. You know what I mean? Like, even when I get a new iPhone, they don't give it to me. They throw it down a flight of stairs, tell me to go get it. You know?

The one thing everybody tells me over and over with the backwards hat. There you go. You did it. You went beyond your time. Thank you. Brendan Higgins, everybody. So let's talk, Brendan. Brendan. Hi, Brendan. There you go. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You thought that was it, huh? I did think I was sneaking out of here. Yeah. Yeah.

No. No, Brendan. It's not going to be that easy tonight. How are you feeling? How does that feel right now? God, I got to tell you, I feel fat. Oh, my God. I had so much barbecue today, I didn't think I was going to get on stage. That's what did it. It was today's barbecue that made you like that. An incredible amount of food you must have consumed. No, I was at 32 until noon. You go right ahead. There you go. Okay, Brendan Higgins, how long have you been doing stand-up? Uh,

I started in college in like 2014, but not, you know, every day. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. How long have you been taking it seriously or have you not? God, I hope to start taking it seriously soon. Yeah. You know, I guess maybe today is the start of it. So what do you do? You go up every once in a great while? No, I host my, I live in New York. I host my own show. I'm trying to get in with the clubs. But it's a racket, you know, it's a lot of. Is it a racket or is it quality based content? Yeah.

It's a little bit of X, a little bit of Y. I've never heard anyone say that the New York scene is a racket before. It seems like if you're funny, you're going to get spots. Really? No, I don't find that. It's a lot of... You go ahead. No, I want to hear. I want to hear. We have a veteran New York comedian. I'm not the expert here. Brandon, let me help you, by the way, because this is a podcast. If someone's talking, you have to wait until that person's done talking. Now, with that said...

I want to hear what Joe List has to say about the New York scene being a racket. How long have you been doing stand-up in New York? 17 years. 17 years. No, it's a real racket. You've got to really... Give it up for Joe List, everybody. Thank you. Brandon, he's still talking, you fucking retard.

You have to like do well to get paid spots. It's a little fucked up. You gotta... Yep, there's your racket. Yeah, you gotta write and then do the stuff and have it get laughs every night and then you get spots in exchange for money. It's fucked up. It's a total... It's a real fucking pyramid scheme. It's a rigged deck. Yeah. What do you do for actual work? Tech sales. Tech sales. Indeed, you do look like you would be an accounting consultant. Yeah.

What do you do for fun, Brendan? You seem like you have some deep, dark secrets. I go to a lot of concerts. I don't know. Rap and emo music mostly. You use a VPN? Yeah, yeah. You do, don't you? When need be, yeah, I guess. Yeah, when's need be. What do you do? Sorry. When you use your VPN, what do you do? Nothing that cool, like watching TV shows from other countries, you know? There's a Wong Kar Wai TV show coming out of China right now I'm trying to get my hands on. There's a what?

It doesn't matter. You're a great interview. ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony is the best VPN, just to let you know. Yeah. Goddamn right. Yep. And if you use it right now, you get three extra months of ExpressVPN absolutely free.

I'm sorry, when I'm selling my soul, sometimes phlegm comes out of my throat. I feel a little guilt that comes over me. Tell us a dirty little secret about you. What would surprise us about you, Brendan? What would surprise? I was a diver in college, believe it or not. Wow, diving into what, birthday cakes? No, yeah. They used to call me the Jackie Robinson of diving. I was doing it for all the kids who wore their shirts in the pool. Those were my people.

You were the what? The Jackie Robinson of diving. Why would you be the Jackie Robinson of diving? I was doing it for the kids who wear their shirts in the pool. I was risking breaking the boards every day, you know? I was getting into demographic. Do you think black people would find that interesting that you consider yourself the Jackie Robinson of something? My coach was black and he told me that you... Oh, there you go again. Brendan, you're absolutely terrible and you don't listen while on a show. Here you go. Here's a little joke book. You fucking suck. You suck. You suck.

There you go. Put the mic in the mic stand. You're done. You're un-interviewable. I tried to help you. I literally coached you through it. Stop talking when other people are talking. It's impossible. You guys having fun out there? Here we go. Let's see what happens next. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Eric Jordan, everybody. Eric Jordan. Here we go. 60 seconds from Eric Jordan.

Hey, I just moved here from California. Please don't key my car, though. I'm not woke. None of that bullshit. I promise. I moved here because the governor there is fucking a terrible person, and he doesn't stand for anything. So I moved to Texas because the governor does stand for something. He just can't fucking physically stand. That's the sad part, but...

But anyway, so at my job about a year and a half ago, I almost got fired for giving a kid a haircut in class because I'm a teacher. Apparently it's illegal to groom a child. I had no idea. So that was news to me. So since I moved to Texas, I've been taking like three shits a day. I have no idea why.

I guess it's P. Terry's, I don't know, because there's no P. Terry's in California, so that might be it. Every time I take a shit, I know it's pretty graphic, every time I take a shit, it's just explosive. It's explosive. It looks like July 5th on Cesar Chavez Boulevard or MLK. That's it. Wow, we have...

This is a fucking tough one here tonight. Oh, my God. Eric Jordan with straight booze from the audience. Clearly very inspired by Closer, inspired by the great Red Band over here. When you're not laughing at an I shit so much joke, you know that there's no effort behind it whatsoever.

My goodness. Just shitting on Peter. Are you really a teacher? Yeah, I am. Okay. What do you teach? It's actually an engineering class at a vocational school. All right. Ninth grade. Okay. All right. How old are you? I'll be 41 in April. 41. When did you start stand-up comedy? It's my first time. There you go. Thank God for that. You popped my comedic cherry. I made sure that you popped my comedic cherry. Oh, my God.

Okay. All right. Sorry. There we go. Absolutely. Yeah. Starting on Kill Tony is a tricky, tricky thing. So when you say Popped Your Cherry, what do you think is going to happen now?

Moving forward? Yeah. Comedic wise, I'm not putting a lot of stock in comedy. I moved here for music. What type of music do you do? I just sample music. You just sample music? Yeah, I sample. I'm not talented like these guys, but I sample music. Do you have any talents at all? Do you have any special skills?

I mean, I'm good at building stuff because I'm an engineering teacher. Okay, Jill List, what do you think about this guy? I would... Could you build an act? No, I mean, you have great teeth, you're very handsome, and I feel like you probably have a good life. You're teaching children, yet you don't belong here.

That's true. You're a beautiful man and you're serving the community. You should move forward into the audience, turn around and enjoy a nice show. That's right. I actually teach in California. I'm on a sabbatical. Oh, yeah.

Even better. You teach in California. Yeah. You a surfer? No, I live in Fresno, the worst part of California. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay, so he does, you know, Joe has a great point. You're a good looking guy. What do you utilize that? You single? I am single. What type of a game do you have? What's your move to get ladies? Oh, man, I'm eating potatoes, man. As you can tell, these people didn't really accept me and they don't really accept me.

Is that true? Girls don't like you? You go to bars or anything? I don't know. It's weird, man. I don't know. You're a little bit shy. This is incredible. Maybe so. I mean, you know this. Austin's got the most beautiful women in the world. I do know that. I agree completely. For real. No joke. None of them are here tonight, but they are. They're out there somewhere. Deep, deep, and perhaps in the darkness or something like that. Still in Vegas. I mean, I...

I get laid. You must, I mean, how are you not getting laid? Explain to us what goes wrong. You want to mimic a date? Let's pretend like we're on a date. Let's do it. Pretend like I'm a hot chick. Okay. Okay, here we go. I'm just a hot chick. Just got my hair cut super short because I'm fucking, I just got out of a really bad relationship. Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi, how are you? Hey, I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your name? Eric. What's your name? I'm Tanya. Tanya. Ooh. Yeah. I like Tanya. Man, you're a really good looking guy. What do you do? I'm a teacher. You want to get out of here? Yeah, I can teach you a few things. Whoa. Look at that. All right. Let's get an actual girl up here to see how he buckles under the pressure.

How long have you been in Austin? About a month and a half. Month and a half. And you have no game whatsoever. You haven't hooked up with a chick? I did. You did? I have, yes. Tell us what happened there. Where did you find her at? On Bumble.

It was on Bumble, yeah. That's the one where, what, the chick decides or something? Yeah, they have to initiate the contact. Right. Okay, so someone initiated contact with you. What did she say? She was really pushy. She was really pushy. In what way? You could tell she was more like, she wants a relationship, and I'm not here for a relationship. Okay. Sorry. So what happened? You guys go on a date? Yeah.

Actually, she just came to my place. It happened, and then yada, yada, yada. It doesn't sound like she was into a relationship. It pretty much sounds like she wanted to get fucked. Well, she did, but she wanted more than that. How do you know? What did she say? You're laying there in bed, you just busted it up. Where'd you come at? In a condom, or what'd you do? Uh...

Her. Hers or yours? You came on your own stomach? No, not on mine. On hers. Hey, it could happen. Yeah, of course it could happen. It could conceivably happen. If you're on bottom position and they have to get up quick, sometimes you have to just fucking blow it where it lies. You know what I mean? Absolutely. You have to play it as it lies. You know what I mean? You just have to go with it. It's fucking Happy Gilmore style. Absolutely. Rule 22A says play it as it lies. Um...

You have to shoot your load. I mean, no point in getting the fucking comforter and sheets all fucked up, right? You take the load, grab a fucking side towel, right? Paper towel. You seem like you'd have some P. Terry's napkins next to the bed. Loaded with those. Yeah, whatever you got. Whatever it takes. Perhaps a joke book you could wipe it up with because that's empty. Nice, clean pages there. Um...

I love it. So you blew on her stomach and then you got a towel or something, right? I let her go to my shower. You let her, she went straight to the shower. Yeah, I was. Okay. That's icky, man. Okay. I don't want any of that. Well, you got to wipe first. You can't just add water. Icky, it's your cum. Yeah.

Some other dude's cum you would wipe up or something. That would be kind of creepy, but it's yours. It was in your balls. That's true. That is very true. Do you consider it icky? Well, I don't want to touch it. You don't want to touch your own cum? It smells like first aid. Your cum smells like first aid? Aid? First aids. No, not aids. I knew you were going to say that. I've been watching you for a while, Tony. You've been watching the show for a long time. I popped your cherry. That's true.

I knew you were going to say first dates. I shouldn't have said it, you son of a bitch. It's got the word aid in it. All you had to do was add an S, you quick-ass motherfucker. Did you watch the Super Bowl on Nickelodeon? I don't get it.

Why would he watch it on Nickelodeon? They had the Super Bowl on Nickelodeon, but it was all slime and SpongeBob. They put it on top of it. It's a lot of graphics. It's like kiddie. It's icky, right? It's icky. The reach was for icky on that one. Okay.

Okay. Wow. Most interesting thing, Joe, what do you think? I just think that your cum smells like first aid is way funnier than anything in that notebook. Yes. If you came out with cum smells like first aid, I don't even know what that means, but I'm like, I'm listening. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. That is hope for you. That just gave me a new hope. Maybe this is... 100%. Still not your calling, but... 41 years of life. It doesn't have to be funny, but just tell us something that makes you different than everybody else. Something that happened to you or perhaps how you were raised or some fun fact about your life. Well, I talked about I came out here for music and I sample music. Yeah, we got that. And you and I, we kind of grew up in the same era. So...

I know. Hey, I'm a big fan. I know you're a little younger than me. What are you getting at? Let's go. Well, I sample music and I've been doing a lot of 8-bit stuff. So a lot of like old Nintendo games that we probably both grew up on. You know what I mean? And it's different. A lot of people that have heard it have said, hey, that's pretty cool. Where's it at? It's on my MacBook at home. Not here. Wow. You are a marketing genius, my friend. There it is.

Three little joke books in a row. It's a fairy tale. This is like a kid's book right now. Three little joke books. Three little joke books. I have a friend that's visiting. He's writing a children's book. Make some noise for my friend Willie Hunter up there.

Visiting from L.A., Comedy Store legend, former multiple-time guest to the show. All right, this person is on the inside. You've seen three little joke books handed out tonight. Perhaps someone from your very own audience, a representative of you, will turn the tide for the bucket pools tonight. Make some noise for the inside zone, Jeff Scott, everybody. Jeff Scott. Thank you.

I'm not seeing it. Where's Jeff at? From the farthest corner, of course. Dun-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum. Ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum.

Madison Square Garden, The Forum, so much fun stuff happening. Of course, huge announcements at the ends of those shows, as always with our big shows, where we always announce where we're going next. The people in Europe might be excited at an announcement. Pre-pull the next name. Here's to the audience's own one of you. It's Jeff Scott. All right. Growing up, I would only watch lesbian porn. I didn't want to see another man's dick. I thought that would give me the gay vibe.

And when I was younger, having the gay was a sin. But you see, porn, well, that's where I learned all my sex moves from. So until I was like 24, I was just out here scissoring bitches. I'm trying to get back in the dating scene right now. I just had a first date recently with a girl. I took her to a pet store after lunch. I figured we could look at the puppies. And while we were there, she kept telling me how much she loved reptiles.

I thought it was going great, but as soon as I get back to my house and I finally get my pants off, she gets all mad at me. And I was like, what? Earlier you said you love turtles. I really am trying to focus on my stand-up career right now, but I don't have any social media, you know, no Instagram, Snapchat, nothing like that. In fact, right now the only social media I have is Jerk Mate. I don't know if it's helping my career or not, but the chicks keep laughing. Seriously though, if I would have known there was going to be this many hot chicks here, I would have put a sock in my pants or something. My problem is I'm all balls.

But you know, they say one in 50 men do have a micro penis. My question is, which president was it? No way it was Obama. Michelle's not putting up with that. Keep going. I want to hear the end of this. Clinton, Kennedy, they're out for obvious reasons. But personally, I kind of think it was Lincoln, dude. Because what type of cuckold shit was that? We had such a good thing going. Very good. Thanks, Tony. Jeff Scott, straight out of the audience.

I love it. Let's get into it. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year now. About a year. Where at? Chicago. I love it. Chicago, very good place for comedy. What do you do for work? I build swimming pools. You build swimming pools in Chicago? In Chicago, yes, sir. Fuck yeah. If you like swimming two months out of the year... Exactly, exactly. You're like Jeff Scott. That's why I'm here. Yes.

I love it. So, very interesting, Jeff. Lesbian porn, turtles, jerk mate, all the way through. I loved the Lincoln joke. It was great. Joe List, what do you think about this guy? Yeah, that was fantastic. I mean, straight out of the audience, you killed, you make your own sweatshirts. It was really... I mean, what can't he do?

You are in the audience tonight. Every day. You're a fan of the show. You came here with people. How did you end up here? You bought a ticket? I came here with my girlfriend. I've been in standby for the last six weeks. Since you stopped doing the HEB. Yeah, standby tickets. Right. So you've been waiting in line. First, yeah, every day. Every Monday. Really? What time do you get here? This is an interesting thing. I've heard rumors about this. About how long people wait. I don't want to give it away. I get here at noon.

Okay. Yeah. You're afraid people show up at 1130 now. I don't want to go. I see what's going on. So you get here at noon. Do you bring like a chair or something? Yeah, I get here early. So I get the parking spot right next to it and I bring a chair and yeah, just kick it all day. Fucking cool, man. And you've been signing up every week, every week. Yeah. Sundays. And then you finally got pulled. Finally. Yeah. How many has it been? How many weeks since you've been back from HEB? So six is it? Yeah. Six weeks. That sounds about right. Um,

Amazing stuff. I love it. Tell us more about you. Oh, well, actually, I knew I was going to get picked tonight, so I was standing in line and a bird pooped on me.

Really? I didn't know. I was mad, but everyone in line was like, that's good luck. You're getting on tonight. And I can't believe I got on tonight. That's crazy. That's fucking incredible. I was going to say, how the fuck did you know that you were getting on tonight? Everybody always has conspiracy theories. Where'd it poop? I was very excited to find out. Right there. You can't see it. My girlfriend did a good job cleaning it up. Hell yeah. Wow. Absolutely. Incredible. Hell yeah. She fell in love with your scissoring abilities? Yeah. That's how I won her over. Yeah.

She's right out there. Yep. No, I know. I get it. You can hear it, yeah. I know how the architecture of the building is. She's definitely out there somewhere.

I love it. So how old are you? 31. 31. What have you been doing with your life up until this point? You've been building swimming pools all the time? Building swimming pools. Loving it. Plumbing, electrician. Plumbing, electrician. All the fun stuff. Look at you, a man of many talents. How long have you been with your girl? 13 years. Wow. Incredible. My goodness. Look at that. She's done more for turtles than the elimination of plastic straws. That's incredible. Wow.

I love it. Incredible stuff. What does she do? She's a wedding planner. Aw, adorable. And you guys aren't married? We're not married, no. 13 years? 13 years, yeah. We're not big into it. We're not big into it. You can't write better than this. You've been dating a wedding planner for 13 years? Yeah. That's true. I hope you do that as a bit. I'll write it down.

Yeah, that is a really good, you literally can't, the first three bucket pulls definitely can't write anything like that. And here you are in the interview portion just absolutely smashing with better premises than anybody came up with before you, other than of course the great Casey Rockett who hit Terry Bradshaw right on the head multiple times. You can't beat that, you can't beat that. Can I ask you a question? Absolutely. Has there ever been a proposal on Kill Tony? No.

Stop, Joe. Stop, Joe. There has. There has. There was one in Sydney, Australia, and between a chubby white guy and an Asian girl, and then there was one on New Year's Eve. You'll never believe it. Chubby white guy and an Asian girl.

She didn't prepare a minute though, right? No, she doesn't do stand-up. And you don't want to bring her up here, do you? If you want. She'll come up. She loves attention, so...

Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Wow. I see why you've been dating for 13 years. Holy shit. I love that you know she loves attention but still won't propose and give her a wedding. Is there a reason why you haven't proposed yet? Oh, I guess not. You're afraid to go in the deep end? We're not big into it. No kids, no marriage. Afraid to go to the deep end? Swimming pool builder? Sons of bitches.

What about the tax break? I guess, yeah, I guess. Does it make a lot of sense? Good question, Redman. What about the tax break? What's the longest set you've ever done? Jesus Christ. Like 10 minutes. 10, 15. I would love to have you for like, do a five minute set on the Secret Show Thursday. That'd be amazing. Heck yeah. Secret Show. And guess what, my friend? Six weeks in the making. The first big joke book of the night.

Jeff Scott, everybody. He's Jeff Scott Jokes on Twitter or Instagram or one of the two. Jeff Scott, famously the name of a 30-year comedy store piano player legend who passed away during the global pandemic.

one of the reasons why so many people left the Comedy Store and L.A. He was really the guy that was a staple there. So his spirit lives on in new comedian Jeff Scott. One more time for your own Jeff Scott, everybody.

And now the momentum shall flow as we switch to one of our esteemed, brilliant, unbelievable regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a fucking phenom. You know him, you love him. He's an international superstar. Kill Tony's own Cam Patterson, everybody. I'm talking to a white girl right now, obviously.

We in Austin, that's all we got. So I'm having a good time. But the weird thing about it is she was kind of raised in the hood a little bit. So she say nigga a lot. And I like to say nigga a lot. That's my favorite word. But she said more than me. You feel what I'm saying?

And usually when a white person says nigga to my face, I would be upset, but we fucking, so she get a pass. But I really want to bring around my parents, you feel what I'm saying? I really wanted to meet my people, and I don't want her to say nigga around my dad, because then he going to have to fuck her too, you feel what I'm saying? That's just the law. That's how that works. That's how that works. Imagine if my granddad was there, he got to fuck my girl too? And I want all white men to understand something. You can say nigga also.

I'm not done. You can also say nigga. Would you like to say nigga, sir? If you wanted to say nigga, all you got to do is get fucked in the ass by a big-ass black gay man, and you earned it also. That wasn't a great ending. All good. I love it.

I did that exact same ending in Little Boy. I did the exact same thing. I still tried it. That's good. That's exactly what it's all about. Going for it. You have expendable minutes. You're allowed to do whatever the fuck you want. You're here every week. It's a fucking not an easy job whatsoever. And you're out here doing it. You disguise that punch about your dad having a fuck or two so good. I didn't see it coming. And I knew that you had something funny coming. And still, you got me. Thank you.

Yeah, fantastic stuff as always. Joe, you like saying the N-word. What did you think about his set? Yeah.

No, I love it. We have the same favorite word. No, I'm a huge fan of Cat. I watched him in The Little Boy the other day. He blew the fucking room apart. I'm a fan. I don't know what else to add. Thank you, bro. Hilarious. You really are a goddamn sensation. Where'd you meet this white girl at? She's from the city. We're pretty cool. She's from Orlando. Oh, from Orlando. Yeah. Okay. And what does she do? What kind of hair does she do for a living? Yeah.

Cornrows or braids or... Nah, she dance. She a dancer. Is she a stripper? No. No, no. She's a professional dancer on a pole sometimes. Yeah. Yeah.

Amazing. Sometimes there's a pole there. Are the strip clubs in Orlando, are they fully nude? Yeah, they get ass naked. Of course. It's Florida. As it was coming out of my mouth, I'm like, it's Florida. What the fuck? Bucket naked. Bucket? Bucket naked. Bucket? With naked. Damn, super naked. Yeah. Wow, I can't even imagine how much more naked you can get than regular naked. I mean, what are they doing? Shaving their pubes up there or something? Yeah, it's crazy. I love it.

I love it. Absolutely incredible. Joe? This is funny. Normally when someone says, you know what I'm saying, you almost always do. But in that instance, I actually didn't know what you were saying. I was like, I have no idea what you're saying. Did you say bucket naked? Bucket naked. Like super naked. Like bucket. Yeah, nah, like bucket. Like bucket naked. You get what I'm saying, right, bald nigga? I feel like you're adding... You understand it?

The bald nigga get it? Yeah. He understands. His head is bucket naked. The audience can't see, but this is handsome Ari Shafir. You look like a very attractive Ari. It really is. It's incredible. Likeable. You Jewish?

Everyone says I am, but I'm not. What do you think this is, World War II, bro? Come on. Everyone thinks I'm Jewish, but I'm not. Not even everyone thinks I'm Jewish. Everyone says I'm Jewish. People are like, you're a Jew. Goddamn Jew. What are you? I went to Catholic school my whole life. You went to Catholic school? Yeah, a lot of people went to Catholic school, you fucking Jew. Anyway, Catholic school. What does that matter? Look at me. I love you.

Look at that. Look at that. A little Ash Wednesday for you, Catholic school boy. We got a little mark on his forehead now. We got to get Cam some hand lotion ASAP. Please, Yoni. We have any fucking Vaseline? We got a thumbs up from Yoni. Hey, man, you gave Casey a gift card. I be going to Walgreens all the time. Oh, shit. I'm always at Walgreens stealing a whole bunch of shit. Yeah, you're looting, dude. You don't need a gift card to loot.

You're just allowed to do whatever you want as long as it's not behind the plastic cases. You know how it works. I love it. So you met the stripper in Orlando or out here? Yeah, in the city. Okay, in the city of Orlando. Yeah. I love it. Was it this last time or you knew her from before? Before. Okay, so you've known her a while. Yeah. Does she have a good stripper name? No, I don't know it. You don't know her stripper name? I don't like to ask about her job life. Oh.

Her job life. When you come home, baby, enjoy yourself. You know what I'm saying? That's right. You only know her by her real name. Yeah, I don't even know that, but I love her. You are hilarious. I'm in love. You are? What's your most favorite thing about her? Does she do something special in the bedroom? She got a fat ass. Oh, shit.

- Love that. - Made me real happy. Come on now, talk to her. - We love that. What's your favorite thing to do with a woman with a fat ass? Do you like to hit it from behind or perhaps-- - Yeah, put your thumb in the bitch booty. You ever did that? You put a-- - Oh, he just pointed to the girl. Look at that, that is incredible. I do believe she likes that. - That thumb in that booty, he get it. And that nigga shoot deer. That nigga understand. - Oh yeah, for sure.

For sure. He puts the buck in bucket naked. You know what I'm saying? A true hunter right here. A slayer of deer. I love it. Cam, you did it again. I mean, absolutely unbelievable. You're a fucking absolute specimen of what should go on here with appearances, energy, charisma, writing, execution. One more time for the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. Thank you.

The best. The man. The myth. He's on tour with me all over the country right now. We're finishing it up. It's going to be done in May. Some fun, few more giant theaters to go. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. His name is Roy Mendoza, everybody. Roy or Ray Mendoza. Here we go. Go! Go!

Austin, Texas, how the fuck are we doing out here tonight, man? Y'all looking beautiful. I'm a local, by the way, just so y'all know, so give me a little extra love. Come on, give me a little extra love.

Uh, no, by the way, Cam, me and Cam have a lot in common. He loves saying the N word a lot. I actually say the N word for my breakfast. I have my bacon and eggs, say the N word five times and brush my teeth. That's just my natural regimen. But anyways, on a serious note, guys, I just came out of a, of a very long term, uh, relationship. So, you know, it's been tough. Um, my ex was actually, uh, my nephew's ex. So, uh, obviously y'all can see I'm Hispanic. If y'all haven't seen the mustache yet, uh,

but I have, I guess, some trailer trash genetics somewhere along the way. So it's been difficult, you know, because I almost became a great uncle to myself. So it's been interesting. It's been interesting. But yeah, man, this is beautiful. This is, you know, seeing Joe List, people like this out here, you know, it's inspiring. Trying to do my thing out here, you know.

I'm trying to get some Louis C.K. money out here. All right. Thank you, guys. That's my time. What the fuck, man? What is going on? Is it Ray or Roy? Roy, brother. Uh-huh. Roy. Okay. So how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I have been attempting stand-up. This is my second open mic. My first time I did an open mic was at the original Cap City show.

Back in like 2018. So what made you come back here tonight? What made you have this grand return comparing yourself? Just being a huge fan and nutting up because I'm a local from here. And I said, you know what? Y'all been here for so long. I need to nut up, come out here and at least do it. You know, get that out of my system. Uh-huh.

How do you think it went? Not great. I felt like it went better at Cap City. There was like 14 people, and I made like two of them laugh, so it felt a little bit better. Yeah. Yeah, man. Yep, that ratio is a lot better than what you did here. Exactly. So much to say. I mean, it seems like maybe you're a fan of mine, so I thought you were fantastic. Awesome, awesome. Everybody go see Fourth of July. It's a great movie. This is the best comedian ever on the show. He knows what he's doing.

If he needs extras and Mexicans, maybe, you know, he's going to phone. There you go. Shut up, Mendoza. No, I...

Shout out Mendoza's. At first, you came out like a, you looked like a guy that does a lot of comedy, but there was a lot of wasted time, I think. Yep. It's, yeah. Yeah, but you look like a comic. Like, you look, you're standing. It's the glasses, the, yeah, I got a generic Mexican-ass vibe looking, so I can pass for Frank Castillo, a lot of other Mexicans out there that are doing the same thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, you just made the jokes. They're doing jokes. Yeah. That's the thing you're missing. Yeah. Trying to make that money with zero punchlines whatsoever. I hear you. So, uh, before I let you go, tell us something interesting about your life.

You good at something? You ever do anything? Yeah, man. So I was trying to refrain from saying this, but I've been a drummer since I was a kid. Really? Since you were a kid? How old are you? But how old am I? Yeah. I am 32. 32. And how old were you when you started playing the drums? I was three years old. Okay. You're god awful at comedy. If you lose this, will you never do stand-up again?

The drum off? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I just needed to get up here. So it's a special retirement version, ladies and gentlemen. This is a Mexican drum off. Hold on, hold on. Well, wait, what? No, no, no. I'll definitely do a drum off, but I think it'd be a lot better if we could perform some type of song.

Like some... No? You don't make the rules. All right, let's go. Yeah, you're insane. Let's go. Is it Ray or Roy? Roy. Roy. Okay, Roy, you know how this works. You're going to do a drum solo. You're going to keep it a little around 30 seconds or so or less. And then Michael Gonzalez goes, if you win this drum off, you're the brand new drummer on Kill Tony, which means your unfunny, unlikable ass will be here every single week.

performing on this show. You will take Michael Gonzalez's job, one of the most professional, absolute legendary drummers in the history of the show and in all of Austin, Texas, and he will have to become a, what do you do for a living?

He's gonna have to be an insurance agent. It's a switch for those of you that don't know. If he loses, Michael becomes an insurance agent and Roy Mendoza becomes the new drummer on Kill Tony here with a drum solo. This is a Mexican drum off. This is Roy Mendoza. - All right, Roy Mendoza with an attempt.

An absolute attempt and here to defend his throne, undefeated all time in Mexican drum offs. This is indeed Kill Tony's very own Michael Gonzalez. Here he is repping the ladies soccer team of Austin, Texas, and clearly representing a little bit of Genghis Khan on his head. Everyone, this is Michael Gonzalez.

with a drum solo, Michael Gonzalez. Oh, God. Oh, boy. I think we're having a little retirement party here tonight, everyone. How many of you have Roy Mendoza winning that? Ooh, Rick Diaz-like response there. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning?

People on the internet, believe it or not, I swear to God, there are people that will say that Roy Mendoza won that. It's very funny. I swear to God, this was facing me backwards, the backside of this little joke book with a hanging little man on a noose. It says, no bueno.

on the back of this little joke book, and I'm giving you this as a retirement present. You understand you're no longer allowed to do stand-up comedy. Do you understand? Deal? You want to shake on it? You're retired. Roy Mendoza, everybody. There he goes. Holy shit, the first ever retirement edition of A Mexican Drum Off. We having fun tonight.

Anything can happen. Let's keep it moving. Your next bucket pool, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Deshaun Johnson, everybody. One, two, three, four. Hey, music. I don't have any jokes. I just came here to scare white people. What's going on? It's Black History Month, and I can't celebrate it because I'm not a real nigga, as you can tell by the size of my pants.

Some bitch outside said I was the first nigga she ever seen with a thigh gap. That fucking bugged me. I can't celebrate Black History Month because I'm also a nigga that went through an emo phase. You know that shit. My mom's a cunt and my dad hates. No? Okay, fair enough.

Yeah, I don't have any jokes. I just came here to find a white girl with a fat ass and a good credit score. I'm trying to make waffle-colored niggas. Can we make waffle-colored niggas, please? Yeah, I'm trying to fuck my way into a cottage. Does anyone have a cottage? Do you have a cottage, sir? All right. Fair enough. Does that mean a nigga's done? Fantastic. It does mean that a man is done. Yeah.

- Deshawn, I gotta tell you, that was absolutely fantastic. The best bucket pool of the night, not from the inside. That was great. I love it. You disguise your punchlines by saying you don't have jokes and then you do a joke. Most of the bucket pools tonight didn't have jokes, didn't say that they didn't have jokes, and just didn't have jokes.

You did something totally different outside of the box. Black History Month is booming. I can't tell where the black leather stops and your neck begins exactly. You are quite the, you are a beacon of Black History Month. Truly, I can't think of a better representative than you.

Yeah. Yeah. You feel comfy up here, obviously, right? Absolutely. I'm right at home. Yeah, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm from Canada. That's probably why. That's true. I'm really not a real nigga. So you're comfortable too. I was born and raised in an all black neighborhood and you are from Canada. So who would have guessed? Exactly. Exactly. Who would have guessed? What part of Canada are you from? I'm from Toronto, Canada. I love that. Toronto, Canada. The rare black Toronto man. I love it. I love it. What was it like growing up in Toronto? Oh,

Fuck. It was difficult. Yeah. A lot of people such as yourselves, you know, called me niggas. Really? They do that in Canada? Since I was a child. They apologize immediately after? No. I mean, I was outnumbered too, right? So there's not much I can do. Right. So yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And tell us more about your life. What do you do for, how old are you? I'm 28. Wow, 28. Okay, beautiful. And what do you do for work? I'm a scammer.

I scam white people for a living. I'm a retired scammer, so everything's fine. You're fine. How do you do it? What's your scam? Tell us about it. Come on. Come on. This is a fun show. What kind of watch you got on? This is a good interview. You can't scam me out of my Rolex. I don't see... That's impossible. Wait, where'd it go? Holy shit. I'm tricky. I'm tricky.

Okay, so what was the scam that you were doing? I'm curious. The thing is, I'm really a scammer, so I can't really talk much about it. Really? Yeah. Can you tell us about a scam that you used to do that you don't do anymore? Give me fucking something here. These interviews are tough tonight. God, these people are making me work for it. All right, fuck, okay. Thank you, Jesus.

I used to have a lot of American bills. Like in Canada, they can't verify American bills. So I used to tell, I actually got arrested for this, to be honest. - This is great. - It's fine. - There's no double jeopardy there. - Yeah, so I get a lot of counterfeit bills. I buy like fucking a lot of leather shit. - I believe that. You are rocking the leather pants, the leather jacket. - Yeah, yeah. I did get arrested for it. - How did they catch you?

I was driving one day and, you know, I just got pulled over. And they're like, Deshaun, you've been wanted since fucking October. It was like, I've been wanted for two years. And then they just arrested me and sat in a holding cell and ate crackers and shit in a holding cell, yeah. Canadian police are nice. I never had any bad run-ins with the police or anything. Yeah, Canadian police, famously nice. Very nice. I once shot a nigga in the head with a BB gun and that...

See, that's the difference between Canada and America right there. The difference is the word BB before the gun. You know what? It wasn't the same up there.

It wasn't a BB gun. It was like, you know the fucking guns they used to put down inmates? So it was like a real gun. It was like a fucking six-story issued gun with a metal pellet. And then I shot, well, this guy was beating up my aunt. And then I shot him. Then I shot him in the head. And then the police came and I told them that I had a BB gun and he told me to hide it.

Police officer told you to hide it. The police told me to hide the gun. Was he white or black? He was white. He was white. Unbelievable. Look at that. Because he knew that that guy was a perp. What? He was a perp. He was a perpetrator. He was a bad guy. The nigga that beat on my ass? Yeah. Who was the perpetrator? Yeah. Yes. No, no, no. He was not a perpetrator at the time. He was bleeding and everything. So it was like, it was pretty fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was the perp. But...

I was the fucking perp, Tony. And yeah, I just police and police in Canada suck. That's that's my point.

The perp, I do believe, is the name of the criminal in this instance. Perp is also the name of your favorite drink. I think we're getting it all confused here. This nigga's tricky. This nigga's tricky. Okay. I am tricky. Tell us more about you. You're so likable. Very, very funny. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five months. Five months. That's it. Incredible. Very, very good. Thank you. Thank you.

How long are you in Austin for? I just got here today. Okay, you got here today. White bitches. White bitches. Oh, you got a girl with you. All right. You got a nigga with you. It's all good. It's all good. He puts his thumb in her butt sometimes. I'm fucked, shit. Hey. Hey. Hell yeah. So how long you planning on staying? As long as I can. As long as I can. Okay. And you doing any scams while you're here?

Hopefully not. Hopefully I can get some sets. Hopefully I can, you know, actually do real work. Right. And get better as a comic. Yeah. And throw that life away, man. I want to...

I don't need anything else. I have everything. I have all the fucking... You've been doing this for five months and you love it? You think you're addicted? I fucking love this shit, bro. This shit is amazing. Wow. Like, this shit changed my life. Yeah. It's really... Yeah, you seem like you're gonna be doing this absolutely forever. A thousand percent. Incredible. Joe List. I mean, I thought it was hilarious. For the first 30 seconds, I thought you were a bucket naked. Um... I really did. I was like... Listen, I...

I respect you and all, Joe. But I'm tapped into the streets, nigga. I will...

I will hire a nigga to stick a pipe in your ass, dog. Fucking relax. He eats crackers like you in his jail cell. I mean, is that offensive? I'm just saying, I thought you were nude. That's funny. Someone's not leaving with the watch they came in with. Facts. What kind of watch you got on, nigga? Holy shit. I don't have a watch. I'm not a watch guy. You can have my wedding ring. I don't want it anymore anyways. He's fucking

No, it was hilarious. I loved it. I think you're great. Thank you, bro. Don't beat me up. What the fuck? He loves you. He's a big fan. He loves you so much, he's been smoking your thumb since he got up here.

Deshaun Johnson. What do your black parents do up in Toronto? How did they end up up there? Jamaican. I'm Jamaican. Did they go through America? How does that happen? No, man. They just landed in fucking Canada. How do you land in Toronto? You go down the fucking river and up Lake Erie? As a Jamaican, you find a bitch and then you marry her and then you're just there.

Wow. That's how my parents did it. That's a whole different life. Yeah. What's your love life like? You're a good looking, very charismatic guy. I've been fucking chastised. I've been fucked over, man. Tell us about it, please. This sounds great. I have an ex and she's a bitch. Why is she a bitch? What did she do to you? I'll tell you this. Her favorite song is an Icon of Pop song. I love it. And that shit is like...

That shit is like the national anthem for I fuck niggas, but I'm too afraid to tell my dad. You get it? I was trying to fuck my way into a white dad for years because they have time for their kids and shit and boats. Last time I see my dad, last time I talked to him, he said he was five minutes away and that was 30 years ago. I mean...

Wow, you are very, very funny. How did your relationship end? Did she break up with you? You break up with her? She fucked a nigga named Chuck. Oh, no. Hi, Megan. Megan can see this. Fuck you, bitch. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what? I'm just going to say it because I'm with you. Fuck you, Chuck. Yes, Chuck. Son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

And he did this at her place? Or were you guys living together at the time? No. He accidentally put on some leather pants afterwards? We weren't living together. It was... How'd you find out about it? I went through her phone, nigga. I went through the bitch's phone. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't give a fuck. I almost did a spit take and then I got control of it. Then you called me the N-word and I almost did another spit take. Yeah, nigga. You almost fucking got me twice with that mouthful. Went through her phone. It was crazy. I mean. What did you see? What did you see? I saw that she fucked a nigga named Chuck. You saw the nigga named Chuck? Yeah. She just said Chuck? No, it was because I had, oh my God, do we have to do this right? Fuck it. I don't know.

This is the shit. I swear to God, you haven't been here, but this is the best fucking interview of the night right now. Everybody else was scared. They didn't want to be honest. They gave me nothing to work with. This is the hardest hosting job in the world, what I do in front of a bunch of fucking strangers, and you're making it fun and easy. I appreciate that, nigga. Now tell me what happened. Absolutely.

It is Black History Month, so. I fuck with white girls because they got non-threatening farts. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Before we go there, I know you're trying to change the subject here, but I want to go back. White bitches eat trail mix and grass. That's true. That's true. What's up? All right. You know what favorite kind of ground meat they love? Chuck. Okay, so some Chuck beef. Oh!

Nigga, it was fuck Chuck. Now you on the nigga's side? Yeah. I'm like, what's up, Chuck? Okay, so you see Chuck in the phone, and then what happens? Do you confront her right away? Is she asleep at the time? Is she in the shower? How'd you get phone access? All I can remember, because I was just so fucking enraged, she had a roll bar, and I just remember... A roll bar? She had a roll bar. A roll bar. Right, absolutely. Two different things. All I can remember...

Yeah, she had a robe on. All I can remember, we had just fucked. Oh, this was, oh, you know what? Okay, I'm remembering now. Yep. Oh, wow. This is a traumatizing moment. You're having fucking Vietnam flashbacks right now. Fuck it. Come back. What the fuck is that? Don't do that. Don't do that. Okay, let me tell you the story. Yeah. So I'm there. I went through a laptop, nigga. I went through a laptop. Oh, shit.

Right? Oh, shit. And then I seen, oh, come over and da-da-da-da-da at like a specific time. Yeah. Right? Uh-huh. And previously she had told me she had just kissed Chuck. Oh. Yeah.

You know? And I just kind of let it, right? Because at this point in time, dude, I was fucking sad. I was traveling all the way back and forth. It was a long distance relationship. So I was traveling all the way back. She was in Montreal? She was in this shitty town called Brantford, Ontario. Go ahead. So I had went through her iPad while she was in class because it was university at the time. What kind of hair does she do? Huh? Huh?

She was at cosmetic school? She's white. She's a teacher now. Oh, I forgot she was white. That makes sense. A good old teacher. She's a teacher now. A teacher of things. Go ahead. You are fucking sneaky. You're doing good. I'm making callbacks to things from earlier you don't know about. It's okay. Just trust me. I like you. I got you. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

So I had my car. Nigga, what? Okay, go ahead. I was going back to her with the road, but now you're going to a car. You got your car. I have my car, right? And she's like, oh, could you pick me up from fucking from class? Yeah, you're swerving all around the road. Yeah, go ahead. I pick her up and like I know that she had fucked Chuck.

And I'm just there driving. I'm like, oh yeah, everything's fine. Like I'm like, I'm psychotic. Of course. Yeah, I'm psychotic. So I'm just driving. I'm acting like everything's normal. We get back to the house and I say, you know what? I'm going to fuck this bitch one last time. Oh, yeah. Fuck her one last time.

That's why she had the robe on. Right. You fucked her one last time. We fucked one last time. She throws the robe on. I get my fucking leather jacket on. Yeah. I fucking put my leather jacket on. I get up and then I head for the door. She's like, where are you going? I said, nigga, I'm gone. And then I went to the car and she ran outside in her robe. I can remember this vividly. It is very traumatic, but I'm telling you because I'm on Kill Tony. And then I'm like, okay, cool. Very smart.

You are the devil, nigga. You're letting me sell my fucking soul on this show? You're killing it, bro. You heard D-Madness. D-Madness said trust. He's absolutely spot on there. He knows how fucking... He doesn't need to see me to know how good I am at this. He can feel it. There's an energy. D-Madness Day, by the way, is Valentine's Day this Wednesday. He's playing at the Skylark Lounge, 6 to 8. Go ahead. Woo!

This is sad. I mean, that's not the first bitch's phone I went through. Also, hold on. Hold on a second. I got so much. She comes out in the robe and then you say what? Fuck you, bitch. I'm gone. You didn't tell her why? No. She figured out after, but I didn't tell her. I went and drove all the way back home. You talked with her afterwards? Yeah, we still talk to this day. And you're like, I know you fucked Chuck. And she's like, you know, I don't care. I love it.

Oh! Okay, okay, okay. It was all set up for that. You're the devil. I was just trying to get there the whole time. I love you react to my jokes how black people react to magic tricks. You're the fucking devil. This guy's got demon powers. How did he get to that joke? How the fuck? You'd run away right now if you knew which direction you could go. If I wasn't on Kill Tony, I would've ran out. Yes, yes, I would've ran out. Yeah. I also went through another bitch's phone. Yeah.

I'm going to talk to you all fucking night. I don't give a shit. We went all the way to Mexico. It was her birthday, right? What is right, white lady? You went to Mexico for her birthday? Went to Mexico. Everything was fine. Everything was great. Nigga, I'm that nigga. So, yeah. Me too.

That's how I feel on the inside. I feel the energy. You do kind of feel nigglety. Not full niggle. But I feel you. I feel you. I got two black organs. My heart? No, nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Mexico, right? Yeah.

Fucking, we're in Mexico having a great time going ziplining, doing all these white activities I've never done, like swimming and shit. So we're fucking in Mexico. I go through the bitch's phone. You know who she's texting? This is a great time. Usher. No, not Usher, nigga. Chuck. No, man. Chuck.

She is texting the most randomest person in the world. She's texting Marlon Wayans' son. Oh, my God. Sean Wayans. Yeah. And this nigga, this is a little nigga. He's like 17. Yeah. And she's, you know what she said to him? He's like, what are you doing? She's like, what are you doing in Mexico? And she's like, oh, I'm on a girl's trip. Oh, my God. Fuck you, Natalie. Oh, my God. She's like, I'm on a girl's trip. Look at all these leather pants. I swear. Oh, my God.

Deshawn Johnson. Anything for Deshawn? Are you crazy? This is the booking you should be doing. No, no, I'm just saying, because of ExpressVPN, I will allow you to come to the club. If you can do a five-minute set Thursday. Thousand percent. I'm here. There you go. Five minutes. You're booked. And the double gun, Bonsai, big joke book. Welcome to the family. Deshawn Johnson, everybody. The shit is going down.

No, we're going to get back to this. Believe it or not, Deshawn, who's from Toronto, Canada, and just by complete coincidence on my lineup, there happens to be a golden ticket winner here tonight from Toronto, Canada, an absolute legend of the game. You know him from this show and, of course, from America's Got Talent. This is the great and powerful, the return of Aaron Ballard.

everybody. I love it. I don't care. Hey, come on. Make some noise one more time for Aaron lights out a while live here on kill Tony.

One of my first jokes was comparing myself with Stephen Hawking, but in light of the recent controversy, I want to clarify: I don't like children. The closest I've ever been to Epstein Island was Chuck E. Cheese. I was just trying to steal pizza, and one kid came up to me, and he's like "this animatronic thing is broken, fuck you kid, this is why I don't like you guys."

I could never keep up with all the kids running around. Hawking must have had turbo on his fuck chair. From now on, I'm just going to compare myself to someone less problematic like Helen Keller. At least until we find out something like, just cause she couldn't see, hear, or speak, didn't mean she wasn't a handsy bitch. Excuse me, Ms. Keller, my balls aren't braille.

The great Aaron Belisle, ladies and gentlemen. Right down the barrel. His own position, his own perspective, material that only he can do. Another absolutely fantastic set, Aaron. How are we feeling tonight? How's it going? What's shaking other than your left hand? Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What is happening? That's gross! Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

So this week is actually my one-year kill Tony anniversary. I want to try something different here. Can I be real for a sec? Hold on. Repeat that again. You don't have to type it all the way out, do you? Oh, you do. I want to be real for a sec. Yeah.

Damn.

Don't touch me ever for the rest of the history of the show. Don't touch me. Wow. Thank you, Aaron. That's very, very sweet of you. I mean, absolutely unbelievable. The type of love that I feel from you, I really can only describe by typing it through a phone and having a robot voice speak back to you.

I'm speaking the language of comedy, which turns out to be my real voice from a guy who has always wanted to be heard. Thank you. You're like the Jesus of the special needs community. Please don't die. If you die, we are all fucked. It is true, except I actually exist, unlike Jesus. But I do. I text with you quite often. You are one of the nicest human beings, a true Canadian, not like that last guy that was up here.

Have you ever seen him do stand-up? Deshaun Johnson. He's from Toronto. Funny guy. You don't remember him? The one black guy in Toronto? You were too busy crossing the other side of the street when you saw him?

They're all black, dude. Yeah, he's like, Deshaun's like, there's no way I can get the watch off this guy's left wrist. I don't know what's going on here. Lockdown. That shit is more crooked than Hillary Clinton. I don't know what's going on there. Is that thing reaching? Is it stay the same? Has it always been at that angle? It's kind of going backwards. It's getting tighter.

Yeah, it seems like you're trying to grab your own wrist right now. It's some type of jujitsu or something like that. It is absolutely incredible. The clock is about to strike 3.30 here on your left hand. Here he goes. He got my 3.30 joke. That's what that was. A little Canadian, there's a transaction, currency exchange. Can you get me a gift card for stem cells?

We might be able to actually do something. We are friends with the great Brigham over at Ways Too Well, which actually famously injects stem cells into people and heals them rapidly and does miraculous stuff. The reason why Aaron Rodgers was ready for the playoffs had the Jets not completely blown it is because of Austin's own Ways Too Well strategy.

I would be interested to see what would happen if we injected your wrist with stem cells. It seems like it couldn't fucking hurt, that's for sure. I'm pretty sure it's not going to get any worse. Is that something you'd actually want to do? Yeah, okay. Let's fucking try it. That'll be a fun episode.

Just keep some Narcan on deck and fucking... Do a GIF animation, like, hey! Holy shit, the fucking... Hold on, Deshaun Johnson's inside is to get back to his seat real quick. Look at this fucking white guy. Oh, boy, it's a long walk. How can it get any worse? Fall off and stop getting caught on shit. That is true. Anything else crazy going on? Anything you want to promote or plug or anything like that?

I got jumped on 6th Street on New Year's, so I bought a taser cane online. I'm so excited to electrocute someone. Oh my god, you have a taser cane? That's a thing? So you're actually gonna try to fight somebody back? Next time someone tries to jump me, I'm gonna taser them on one side until they look like me. Unbelievable.

Pretty soon all of 6th Street is going to look like a scene from a zombie movie. Everybody just fuck it. Hell yeah. D loves it. Aaron, you're a freak. What else? On the way here, a crackhead comes up to me, and this is not a joke. He says, oh my God, do you have the polio? No, but I have the thunder. What? I don't get that one. Me neither, but I don't get it.

Oh, the electric cane. Okay. Do you have polio? Well, I thought I was addicted to my phone. I want the electric cane now. All right. D Madness is out of control. Okay. I'm pretty sure I saw Joe List action bar play. I'm pretty sure I saw Joe List naked at the Chuck E. Cheese. Naked in the ball pit.

Oh, you son of a bitch. Is this true, Joe? He's ratting you out over here. One time. Okay, Aaron. If they found a way to combine me and Joe, we might make one full person. Holy shit. Anything else, Aaron? You're fucking killing. You're fantastic. You look like Caillou if he recovered from brain cancer.

Oh my God. You're just roasting Joe? How dare you? I put you out in front of these great comedians and you just come out and fucking burn bridges that you can barely walk across. Absolutely incredible. He started it. Look, anytime you make fun of somebody, just remember there's five fingers pointing back at you. Anything else, Aaron?

For the love of God. I'm sorry. Do you want a hug? Sure. Is this a trick? All right. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Rant it. Absolutely adorable. Aaron Belisle, here we go.

You going to plug something or promote something? This weekend, I'm going to be in Halifax. Then I'm going to the Ohio area. March 21st, I'm at Wise Guys in Vegas and then Wichita. Come out and get your tickets at MuteComedian.com. MuteComedian.com. No doubt about it. Go see them. Support these fucking gangsters that we have. Reigning, defending, golden ticket winner. One of the few, the proud...

An absolute lightning cane of jokes. One more time for the great Aaron Belisle, everybody. We are... We started a little late. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Daisy Hart, everybody. Daisy Hart. Daisy Hart.

Hi everybody, I'm Daisy. I'm the world's worst Asian. I'm allergic to shellfish, so no sushi dates for me. I also delivered my first baby at 18.

I'm Asian, I already ruined that one. I was gonna say I'm not actually a Mexican. Since I delivered at 18, it was an emergency delivery for one of my friends and I made the horrible life decision of becoming a nurse that night because I delivered a super preemie baby and you know, 10 years later, lots of trauma later,

I learned through therapy that, you know, I can try to make a joke about my life and hope that it comes out funny. But looking at your face, it's not coming out funny tonight. But also, I had some one-liners like guys that do yoga. Are you guys able to suck your own dicks? Because I'd really love to learn how to do that so I can increase my hyper...

My hyper-independence, as my Uber driver told me it's called. But my doctor says it's really just a control freak issue. So that's why I like to do things where I'm in control, like making boys into sissies. So there we go. Okay. Daisy Hart. Welcome, welcome. I love it. Treating this like a true therapy session up here. Yeah. You know, free therapy for the week. I had to skip last week. Okay. Hi, Daisy. How long have you been doing stand-up? I actually...

have only done like a burlesque comedy like sexy story thing at Poor Choices one time like last year. Okay. What made you want to come here where there's millions of viewers with no real practice? Well, I did actually practice and like totally forgot everything

whenever I got out here, which is just kind of like my little sixth grade talent show where we came out with no microphones and tried to sing. So it's like reliving that trauma all over again. But no, it's totally fine. Okay. A lot of trauma. You have big, crazy eyes, Daisy. Tell us more about you. I have very big eyes for Asian, you know. Are you really Asian? Are you sure about that? I'm a first generation American.

What kind of Asian are you? Filipino. So the Mexican of Asians. How Filipino are you? Half. And what's the other half? Portuguese, which I hear is the cause of slavery. So I learned that this year. A lot of sad fun facts. Sorry, yeah. Jill Liss, what do you think about Daisy here? Well, she forgot her act and I wish I could also. I

I'm sorry. I apologize. I really hoped that it would be better, but I came with a friend for both of our first times and didn't think that both of us would get on here. Like, I thought once he got on, like, I was like, in the clear. Your friend also got on? Yeah. Who was your friend? Roy Mendoza. Oh, Jesus Christ. So, was that bad? I told him to practice. Well, I'll tell you, you did exactly as good as he did. Oh, damn.

exactly. He retired. Did he tell you, did you guys get to talk in between this? No. Oh, you don't know. He's retired for life. I, I, we're going to be good. Literally retired. He, we retired the drummer at church forever for him. Is that what he was? That's how you know him. Um,

No, not through Trish. I know him through like an insurance sales job, which is even worse. Oh my God. It's all real. This is incredible. Yeah. This is a fucking... This is the story of an evening. 200 people sign up and fucking you two get pulled out of this goddamn bucket. I really thought I had like other jokes saved up, but... Do you have other jokes? Are you remembering them now? Not now that I'm looking at your face. No. Um...

My face is... I mean, a lot of my jokes are about turning boys into sissies. Why? Do you do that in real life? I mean, I really want to. But let's talk about your real life, Daisy. My real life. So I tend to turn boys into that point where they question their sexuality, you know? I can kind of see why. Yeah. I mean, I'm a little bit masculine for being a girl. What's masculine about you? I don't know.

Just my vibe, maybe, hopefully. Maybe, hopefully? You think so? I'm super confident about that, as you can tell. Where do you live? Here in Austin.

And you think you're masculine. I mean, for a girl, like, I'm not as girly as girly girls. I'm not good at girl stuff. That's what every girl says. I mean, some girls say that. Some girls are good at it. You know, they can contour and, like, make themselves look like a completely different person. But I at least, like, look the same when I take my makeup off, so. When you take your makeup off? Mm-hmm. Okay. You look the same. Pretty much the same. What do you look like without glasses?

Like this. Okay. All right. Like I can see less a little bit. Okay. Yeah, you definitely don't look Asian. You look better. No, I'm just kidding. You

You look great. That was a good one. You almost got a laugh there. You got an oh, but it was close. At least it was some kind of a reaction. A little bit. That's good. You're getting closer to being compelling, Daisy. So you're allergic to shellfish. You had to help a chick have a baby when you were 18? Yeah. Okay. I didn't mean to say like I delivered it with a clothes hanger, but... And you want to learn how to suck your own dick? I mean, if

I mean, if I had a dick, I would definitely want to learn how to suck it. I feel like it'd be very efficient that way. Seems like you want one. I do. I actually, I've tried a few on, you know, with the strap-on sets. You get to pick your own size. So you've been with a woman before? Yeah. You enjoy that more than being with a man? I'm 50-50. I'm very in the unicorn land of people. How old are you?

How old do I look? 40. 40? I always tell people I'm 40. Do I really look 40? Yeah. It's Botox time. It's your eyes. It's your eyes. Oh my God. Really? You've seen a lot with those eyes. I have seen a lot. I was forced into like childhood nursing slavery at like five. So I've been nursing forever. What do you mean by that? Is that true? Yeah. My parents had a care home. So like I worked with old people like the whole beginning of my life. And then I've been a nurse the whole rest of my life since then.

I'm tired. Yeah. Yeah, I'm tired too. It is. Like, I could take an eternal sleep. Whatever trauma that you've suffered is like airborne. You carry it with you. It's contagious. I was really hoping that I had like healed enough to come out and make it funny and then like, you know, have a good time with it. I think you're having a good time. She ruined my Asian fetish. Like, I'm not. I mean,

you're getting married though. You found one. So you tricked her into it. Look, she knows her stuff. You are right. You tricked her into all that money. Uh, Daisy, anything interesting about your life before we let you go? Um, I've done a lot of awake, uh, liposuction and tummy tucks. So that's really fun. What do you mean you've done that? Uh, I worked for a company that does, you know, I've worked in, worked in surgery before as a nurse. So, but I didn't realize when I did my interview that our company does the, isn't it weird when you're doing surgery and you,

You're the one in the corner that just keeps cutting herself.

I mean, I didn't really cut myself too much. I'm scared of my own blood. You're scared of your own blood. But I'm really good at cutting people's tummies. Really? They would let you do that? I mean, they let you with a cauterizer. You know, you do tummy tucks and get rid of all that extra skin that the girls get after they have all the babies. They would let you do that? Well, me and the doctor. So, you know, the doctors that are like the surgeons that are okay with you, you know, doing more, they let you do a little bit more because they're training you.

So, I mean, you're just cutting off skin that's going to go in the garbage anyways, so... Right. Okay, Daisy. Yeah. Well, very interesting. Here's a small joke book. It's something more scary than gay people. Can you catch? Let's see if you catch like a boy. You think you're so manly, huh? Put your glasses on. I don't want you to have an excuse. I don't know if that's going to make it any better. I'm still Asian. You're so manly for a girl. Here comes the joke book. Oh, that's not fair. Just kidding. There she goes. Daisy Hart, everybody. Daisy Hart. Thank you.

Yikes. Okay, your final bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Cody O'Dell, everyone. Cody O'Dell. Here he is. Cody O'Dell, everyone. Hey, how's it going, guys? Do I just start, I guess? I've never done this. How's it going, guys? I was listening to this podcast, and this guy was like, these OnlyFans girls aren't traditional women, right?

I was like, "This guy's clearly never heard of the oldest job in the world." Clearly y'all have never heard of the oldest job in the world, have you? Hey! OF girls are traditional, right? Alright. I've been looking for an apartment. I've been looking for an apartment and I saw a listing and it said the walls were painted agreeable gray. And I have a problem with that. You know, we don't even agree on how to spell gray.

Right. Some people spell it G R E Y. Right. And other people spell it wrong. Right. Exactly. There it is. The absolute maximum amount of time for Cody O'Dell. Uh, Cody, how do you feel right now? I feel like I did. I could have done better, but you know, that's an honest answer. That's an honest answer. I could have done better. Uh,

Cody, how long have you been doing stand-up? 14 years. What do you mean? What do you mean you've been doing it for 14 years? I did my first Cap City over mic in like 2010. I mean, I've been around. I lived in New York for a while, came back. I know I'm a musician mostly before I did comedy. Okay. And then my band quit, so I just... 14 years in the game. Joe, you ever seen Cody O'Dell up there in New York? No, I've never seen Cody. Okay.

I'm interested that your whole band quit. I don't like to be mean, I'm not a mean guy, but that's literally the worst stand-up set I've ever seen ever.

From a person in a band? No, no, any person. Oh, any person. That was tremendously bad. Damn. I don't know if I could try to be that bad and succeed.

Joe's like, I'm not good at being mean, but watch this. That was really wild. I love that reaction. Joe, that might be one of my favorite reactions to anybody doing anything ever. Like you're literally like, I've never seen it before. Like you're cracking up.

It was unbelievable. Cody, I think I've seen you around town playing music. What do you do musically? I'm a drummer and vocalist. You're a vocalist? Yeah. Okay, can we do like a song that these guys can do? We can do what? Sardouk, if you guys want to do. This is going to be one of those moments where you realize this guy should never try stand-up again. It's one of my favorite songs. I'm excited. I'm excited.

Can we make a deal real quick before we do this? Because I can tell this is gonna kill. I'm gonna do the opposite because I am in full control and the creator of the show. I wanna do the opposite of what we did with Roy Mendoza. I think that if you do great,

you should retire from stand-up comedy. Do we have a deal? Can we possibly retire you from stand-up here today? I was literally sitting over here in this bar and I was thinking like I sold out the love of my life for comedy and then I came in here and this was... No, no, it's fine. Hold on, Cody. Stick with me here. So I gotta do it, I guess. It's like infected me. Stick with me here. When you say you sold out the love of your life for comedy, what exactly do you mean? Because I think it's the only thing you're ever going to sell out in your entire life.

Just pursuing comedy. I did it wholesale. She left you because of that? Well, I became an asshole. I ruined the relationship. How'd you become an asshole? Going out until 4 o'clock in the morning in New York City, getting fucked up. Wow. I quit drinking almost two years ago. So it's something you'll never stop doing is stand-up comedy.

uh, I, I'm going to do it because I love it. I, I like, I don't care if I make it like in a, in a sense. I know I'm funny. I may have not had a good set tonight, but there's been people that have had a great set and they're fucking suck. So you guys are great. I love y'all. Thank you. But yeah, I mean, it's a, I don't want to not get bad on one set. Although this, hold on Cody, stick with me here. I don't want you to have a mental breakdown live in front of a million people. I'm going to help you through this. Um,

When you say there's people that have had a great set and then they suck, you mean like they only have a minute of good material and then they come back and it gets rougher? I'm saying like I've seen somebody do it for like four months and murder a room. But then I've seen somebody, you know, do it for a long period of time and like might just not have a good set, you know? Right. That's kind of how it goes. Worst set Joe has ever seen in his life. Yeah, that's crazy. Like you must not have been a very many open mics. Let me ask you this. 14 years. 14 years in the game. Was that a newer minute? The gray?

That's a newer minute for sure. Okay, how about this? How about we do 14 years, your best, most effective joke you've ever written. In 14 years, here it is. Ladies and gentlemen, 14 years, this is the best joke ever from Cody O'Dell. I think Disney ruined relationships just because they set the bar too high, you know? I just like, I, am I, guys, am I right? I mean, like,

Anybody have a castle here? Like the Beast even. He was a mutant, he had an enchanted castle, right? Like of course she's not gonna be satisfied with my one bed, one bath. Like yeah, exactly. I'm not taking a girl on a magic carpet ride. Like maybe a magic Kia ride. Just be like, I can show you a mortgage. Shining, shimmering interest.

Tell me princess, now when did you last let someone co-sign? New loan, a dazzling rate. You never knew. No wonder. Tell us no. You need collateral.

That's the end of this joke. All right. That's better than the first minute. Let's end it with a song. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four. Music is a world where they net sound. Where the language we all understand. They can feel it. They can feel it. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

Cody O'Dell, honestly, before I thought you should retire from a stand-up and be a musician. Now I think you should retire from both. But here you go with a little joke book. There he goes. Cody O'Dell, ladies and gentlemen. These musicians are something else.

Go to MatthewTM.org. Check out Matt Muehling's new single. And go to JohnD's.Bandcamp.com. Check out his whole repertoire of music there. Again, D Madness Day is Valentine's Day. Check him out at the Skylark Lounge, 6 to 8.

All right. Jesus Christ. The last two bucket pools. I'm sure there's a few people watching online that have killed themselves and won't even get to see the final comedian of the night. He's a legend, everybody. He is the only... Actually, he's not. We have two living members of the Hall of Fame now. David Lucas has also joined the fray. But this man, record for most...

Most sets, most interviews, most everything. Some people call him the Sultan of San Antonio, the Duke of Davenport, the Islander of the British Isles, the Tijuana Tornado, the Des Moines Drowning Dude. Ladies and gentlemen, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, the one and only William Montgomery, everybody. ♪

I just would like to first off say, Cody, the singing wasn't that much better, you fucking idiot. And I swear to God, I felt a little threatened when he was like, oh, some people have good minutes. I'm thinking, dude, fucking kill yourself.

Okay, they recently found three Chiefs fans frozen to death in their buddy's backyard. Apparently right before they died, one of them said, wouldn't it be cool if we watched the Super Bowl with Toby Keith? They're in hell. I'm insinuating they're in hell. Okay. Okay.

Real quick housekeeping note. If anybody finds a Tamagotchi pet lying around, please return to Red Band. He was going to feed it, but he was too hungry and it fell out of his pocket.

Knuckles from the Sonic universe is getting a standalone film. Not to be outdone, Kirby from the Nintendo universe is getting a standalone OnlyFans. Apparently Kirby has a special talent that I had to see to believe in. Yeah, it's true. Kirby swallows that shit whole.

Okay, that's my time. Thank you. I love it. One minute, 15 seconds from the legend. The man that's done it more than anyone ever has in the history of the show, The Big Red Machine, William Lights Out Montgomery.

Yeah, I mean, I would honestly like to see that piece of shit Cody tried to do this fucking week in and week out. Just by his stinky fucking attitude, Tony. I swear to God, right off the bat, it's like he thinks he could, dude, you could never do this shit, you piece of shit. I'm back there fucking getting way too high. I hear that fucking idiot.

come up on the stage. I'm literally worried about Toma, the Tamagotchi pet from Redman. That's all I'm thinking about. Okay. He kind of did have a terrible attitude. That part did stand out to me where he goes, some people have a good set and then they suck. Like, it's like, well, yeah, but you want to have more good sets than bad sets. But it's like, do the math. You fucking dumbass. Seriously. It's these fucking delusional fucking weirdos in this fucking place.

I love it. Oh, your mustache blew up just then. You could do that. It almost blew off. That's incredible. I didn't know you could do that. Well, it was actually a $400 surgery I got this past Thursday, Tony. What did they do exactly? They added more hair. They got hair from the back of my head, kind of back here. Yeah, where there's hair, yeah.

And yeah, they did an implant. They started out, I'm thinking about implants on the top of my head, Tony. I was actually... Have you thought about perhaps taking some of your beard hairs and putting them on the top? Tony, I look like a black person. They're all frizzy. Ah, move on. Abort, abort. Ah. No, but yeah, Tony, I don't think it could work. That mustache is flying every which direction tonight. Ah.

It is amazing that we have done this publicly for so many years and every week you find new things. This mustache thing is killing me. You don't think it's funny, you fucking idiot? I've been looking at you this whole fucking time. You seem like a real weirdo.

I see your nasty look. It's slouching right beside you now. You know who that is. That's the great actor Edward Norton right there. I don't know if you know that. He was the Incredible Hulk. Holy shit. Yeah, it's a star-studded audience. The great Matthew McConaughey is watching from the... Don't look, you idiot. Look at this white trash retard. The Matthew McConaughey.

Not yet. I didn't even know he was here. You fucking idiot. Shut up. It's a star-studded audience.

A lot of hip people have been getting into Kill Tony lately. Yeah, I actually got a letter. Tony brings that up because I got a letter from the founder of Vitamix. He's a really nice old man these days. But yeah, he wants me to be their new sponsor. Not to bring it up because of the sponsorship. But yeah, the Vitamix. I mean, it's like the dude, he's a fucking legend. I grew up...

Tony, I did this weird thing. When I was in Salt Lake City, I started buying coins on an infomercial. Oh, no. Oh, God, no. I swear to God, no. I bought $500 worth of coins, and if I sell each one individually, they're going to make me $2,000. I got a couple of them. I spent $1,000. I have $4,000. How much did you spend on the $500 worth of coins? $2,000.

I don't know. I mean, I ended, I spent $1,500 at all. You spent $1,500 on $500 worth of coins? Yeah, if I sell, no, it's worth, I bought two packs, it was worth $4,000. So I'm looking at tripling my money. Wow.

Wow. And you plan on doing this coin by coin, perhaps to audience members? What's your plan of executing this exactly? I don't know. I've got to figure it out. I did just recently start... I've been a big eBay lurker for many years, and I'm finally starting to make my presence known on eBay. I'm posting everything. I'm doing these pictures of these coins. I started drawing as well, Tony. I've gotten really good at drawing the Kennedy half dollars. I have so many half dollars that are about to be on the market on my eBay site, but...

You can't, honestly, I have an eBay site. I'm really, I might, I don't know. I might have to hang all this up. Where can people find your eBay site at? Williamscoins.com.

On eBay. Just Williams Coins is my shop. Okay. There's going to be a lot of people looking up Williams Coins. I implore you in the next three weeks to actually build that eBay. The way you looked at me made me think that you may have been kidding, and I took it a little serious. Yeah, did you think that was funny, Edward Norton, you fucking idiot? I hated you in the Hulk, you dumbass. Why did you have to destroy...

Oh, I have bad news. There actually is a Williams Coins already. 24,000 items sold, 534 followers. And bad news, they have much better coins than you are offering. Tony, that is my actual eBay site. I wanted to get it out tonight. I have been selling coins on eBay for the past, yeah, 10 years. So...

I was trying to think of a creative way to get it out there, but yes, that is actually, I've made a lot of money on that, so. Wow, that is incredible. I had no idea about this coin business. I'm always finding out new, very interesting, intriguing things about you. Such a compelling subject.

You were out last week with a sinus infection. Would you like to tell us about that? I was. I'm going to be honest with you all. At the very beginning, I was just, I can always tell I'm starting to get sick when I just started getting so hungry. I just, I have this insane appetite. I just started, I'm starving. Just walking around the apartment, just looking. I'm like, what do I have? Fucking macaroni in here? What do I have?

I got macaroni, but hold on. Where's the milk in here? And then it's like, wait, I got the milk. Do I have the butter in this fucking place? And then I just get so starving, Tony, and I have to start walking around. And then I start eating peanut butter crackers. And I'm like, yeah, sure enough. I got a sinus infection. I'm coughing everywhere. I'm eating peanut butter crackers everywhere. I'm...

Waiting to call your ass, Tony, and I'm scared to death. I'm going to think Tony's going to be so angry. You didn't wait until the last minute. You waited until about 20 minutes before the show started last week to let me know. You were really stalling. I was. And hold on. Why was that so funny? I always like you, Michael, but why was that so funny?

But yeah, no, I honestly was sick, Tony. I believe you. I swear I was sick. I believe you. Okay. Now I'm starting to not believe you, though.

I did believe you, but now the way you're telling me. I promise I was sad. Tell us some more of your symptoms. What kind of symptoms did you have? Well, it's horrible. I started playing The Last of Us 2 Remaster again, and they have this new game mode. No, Tony, I started having these horrible nightmares. We have this plant situated in the bedroom, and it looks like somebody's head, and I wake up, and I think there's zombies in there, and the first time it happened, I said, oh, hello? What were you eating at the time? And my girlfriend was like, why would you? It's a zombie. You probably shouldn't.

What were you eating when you were playing these games? Rattle off some food for us. Yeah, you know I was eating that macaroni and jam!

You know I don't need a macaroni and cheese. That's macaroni and cheese for those of you that don't understand. And prunes. The prunes have been helping my bowel movements. Tony, I took a shit today that was, I swear to God, three feet long. I had to get it out of the water to fucking get my tape measure out. I had to figure out how to use the tape measure to measure it because the shit is so fucking floppy, man.

So then I had to tape measure that shit, Tony. It was fucking nasty and there's shit everywhere and I'm trying another puzzle tonight. What's on the puzzle this week? What type of... Oh! The mustache almost blew completely off on that one. What kind of puzzle are you doing this week? It's weirdly enough, it's a bunch of Jewish people that look like him. Oh, wow. Spotted again. Yeah, it's... Wow. Oh my gosh. Are you a Gentile?

You're Jewish as well? Okay, cool. Wow, that almost hit the ceiling on that one. The mustache is climbing the walls. All right, hold on a second. Let's hold on a second here. William, what are you passionate about this week before we let you go? Joe, you've seen William before. What did you think about this performance? Be honest.

I loved it. Tell me straight. No, I loved it. I'm still rattled. Yeah, tell me what you think. I'm still rattled from the last guy. I'm not going to sleep. I feel terrible. Wow.

It is incredible. No, he asked you a question about what you thought about my set. I don't really give a shit about that fucking idiot before. Just answer Tony's question. I thought the set was lights out. Killer. You don't believe that. Ripped. Really, I don't believe you. And that's fine. Everybody's allowed to have their own opinions. No, I loved it. I still love it. Still going. Yeah.

It is true. And to think, right now, Cody O'Dell is walking down the street, probably with his hands in his pockets, pretending like nothing went wrong tonight. Rationalizing, like, yeah, I had a bad set this time, but I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna fucking show them. Because when they see...

some other jokes that I've written over the last 14 years. You know, that relationship's be like Disney World was just the tip of the iceberg, the tip of the spear. Yeah, I mean, he's got a lot of promise. If he just sticks with it, I think he really could turn it around. I mean, it's 14 years. Whatever, Rebian's doing it, what, 20 years, and he's still, ah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

What are we going to hear about the dolphin pussy again, you dumbass? I'm kidding. I love you, Red Band. Aw, they love each other. Red Band, you want to tell them that you love them too? I love you. I love you too. Oh my God, what a magical moment. I feel like Red Band's about to propose again. You know, William. Uh-oh. Look at this. Look at this. All right. William, anything else before we let you go? Anything you want to promote or anything like that?

Just play. Everybody is so sweet. Anybody's ever gotten a cameo. So sweet. Tony, we are fucking I am balls deep in those motherfuckers right now. That's honestly, I was so scared about getting the sign is it's Valentine's Day. I've been doing a bunch of happy Valentine's Day's messages to people. It's been a whole lot of fun and I greatly appreciate it, but it starts turning in to my biggest fucking nightmare when it's

It seems like every fucking thing that comes out of my mouth just... Okay, I don't know where I was going with this. Okay. Ah!

Abort, abort. Where are your tickets on sale? You have some upcoming tour dates, correct? Yeah, you can just find it on my Instagram. Yes, going to a number of places. Very excited. Find it on his Instagram. Find it on my Instagram. I don't know. I need somebody to help me build a website. I mean, I gave some fucking idiot fucking $20,000 like four years ago. Worth of coins or actual money or...

No, it was actually money. It was traveler's checks. And he was like, so now he has my fucking domain name. I was trying to get William Montgomery Comedy. It's turning into a fucking... I'm about to sue his fucking ass. It wasn't Deshaun, was it? It could have been. We never found out what his actual scam was. But I will tell you this, my friend. It's an easy-to-build website if you just take the one simple step of going to Squarespace.com

The one that begins with S-Q-U would be that one, Red Band. Oh, my God. And using the simple promo code, which this is back when it was kind of hard to find on the thing because they used to send the whole goddamn thing. But yeah, I've so appreciated all the Kimio messages. This is good stuff. Oh, my gosh. There it is. It's Tony. The promo code Tony. Go to squarespace.com. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. It's just a bunch of...

Okay. William, anything you're passionate about? Yeah, I've been... You gonna eat some mac and cheese when you get home, maybe?

Yeah, probably. Yeah, I got to heat up the oven. The microwave stopped working. Your microwave stopped working? Yeah, Tony. I mean, I'm having a really bad day today. You are? Yeah, I'm trying to heat up my eggs earlier in the microwave when I wake up. Have you ever thought about boiling the noodles for your macaroni and cheese? Man, I ain't ever going to boil the noodles! There he goes, William Montgomery, everybody. We did it again. Joe Liss.

Tell us what, you have dates coming up, Joe List, what's the website? Comedianjoelist.com. Yes, comedianjoelist.com. He's on tour everywhere. Your special is? Three specials on YouTube. They're all there. You can go see them all. It's all under Joe List Comedy? Absolutely, yep. There you go. How about one more time for the great Joe List? Come on. Thank you.

The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in. It's fucking awesome. He draws every episode while the show happens. RyanJEbelt.com. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up. Whoa! The newest member of the regime, Casey Rockett.

with the motherfucking crab claws. That's an instant classic. Guys, they're gonna play us out. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez, D Madness, John Dees, and Matt Muehling.

Thank you to all of our sponsors, Gel Blaster, Yellow Rose, Red Rose, CM, Smokehouse, Austin Security Guard Service, NinjaBuses.com, Hall, Law Firm, and Connect Mobile Health, Red Band. San Diego, check out me and Casey Rocket and a couple other people in July, AmericanComedyCode.com. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. ♪♪♪

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The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.