#652 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JEFF DYE + KIM CONGDON
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, y'all. The LA Forum is right around the corner, and contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube Theater two days later has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for Night One at Madison Square Garden, the two-night super mega event, the biggest in Kilhtoney's history. Travel. Go there. We'll see you there. And I am on tour with Stand Up

comedy me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own stand-up sets i'm going to be in cleveland ohio pittsburgh pennsylvania boston massachusetts baltimore maryland salt lake city san jose dallas houston texas st louis missouri nashville tennessee fort lauderdale and orlando and then that is all of the stand-up on the road i am doing until 2025 i'll be releasing that special just after may we'll see you guys on the road nothing but love here is another episode of kill tony

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclick! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody! And how about a hand for the fucking band? Am I right, people? Yeah!

This is the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, NinjaBuses.com, Connect Mobile Health, where you can get an IV drip, use the promo code KILL10, save 10%. How do we feel tonight? You guys with us? That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the mutilator, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Deese on the keys, right there.

This is right. The one and the only D Madness, everybody. Oh my goodness. Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible here right now. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Yeah.

Every week, I have some of the funniest people in the world on the show. This week, absolutely no different. Three very, very, very funny comedians. You know them. You love them. We're going to have a blast here together. Some of my favorite people. Make some noise for Luis J. Gomez, Kim Congdon, and Jeff Dye, everybody. Oh, yeah. The great Legion of Skanks.

Louis J. Gomez. The great and powerful Jeff Dye joining the fray. And that is Kill Tony's first ever regular, Kim Congdon. Legend of the Kill Tony universe, Louis J. Gomez. Welcome, my friend. I'm so happy to be back here after the Ric Flair debacle. Yeah. Holy shit. Woo! Boom!

It is unbelievable. Still haven't heard back from the nature boy after that one. Wild night. We love him, though. Jeff Dye, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. Actually, you made me hate Ric Flair. I was a big fan of him until I watched that episode. Now I hate Ric Flair. Me too. I really do. I really do.

The great Kim Congdon, everybody. Seriously, she was writing a minute every week on this show 10 and a half fucking years ago. Something crazy. Welcome back. Roast Queen. We love her. She fucking hits hard. Everybody's ready. You guys know how it works. 100, 200, some fucking crazy amount of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand-up on this stage in front of a sold-out crowd at the number one comedy club on planet Earth.

You know they're 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. So they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I interview them and we have a bunch of fun. We find out more about them and make the most of their opportunity on stage. You guys ready for this shit? Well, there's only one way to start an episode like this, everybody. How many of you are actually fans of the show?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, doing a brand new minute, a legendary regular. You guys know the words? This is Hans Kim, everybody! Thank you. It's good to be here. I love Kill Tony fans, because I know I can say retard tonight. Retard, retard, retard, retard. Why aren't you doing it? Did you vote for Biden, faggot?

Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot. Any black people want to start the next chant? Legally, I'm not allowed to start it anymore. I can jump in in the middle, though. I'm glad that the new Apple Vision Pro came out, because now it won't look so weird masturbating on the bus. I hate poor people. Poor people always bragging about how poor they are.

They're like, I grew up on the streets, man. I had to steal french fries to survive. My best friend was locked in a cage. What are you, a pigeon? You sound like a pigeon, bitch. All right, that's my time. Thank you. Fuck yeah. The great Hans Kim. How are you feeling tonight, Hans? I feel amazing. I've been really working on myself. I've been taking three showers a week. So it's pretty good for me.

Why three showers a week? I didn't know that you were this uncleanly. I just don't shower that much. I'm pretty clean as it is. I'm Asian. I'm trying to use my strengths. I save all that shower time to study the art. He has no hair. So when they say shrimp dick, they're talking about the smell? Oh, wow. No doubt about it. I love it.

I've been pretty good. I've been having sex. I like this look. It's like 50 shades of beige or something like that. Did someone dress you like that? Did you do that? Yeah, my friend Amira is helping me. She's Palestinian. You need to get Amira. That is true.

Jeff Dye. I'm glad you told me that I shouldn't interrupt the comedians for the first 60 seconds because I was going to do the black person chant. I was like, ah, all right. Kim? Hans, I think your jokes are great. I like that you came out chanting your own name.

What else is going on in your life this week, Hans? Anything else big? Sex is always a great thing for me. I've been with my ex. We've been hooking up after the breakup. What's her full name? That's interesting because last week it seemed like you guys were taking a real break. Yeah, I accidentally ordered $200 worth of DoorDash on her account. And

And I was mad at her, but then I went over and I started crying and bawling my eyes out. And now we're... You did? Yeah. You were full of dog, so... Full of what? Dog. Oh. Oh, well. An Asian person bawls their eyes out. Isn't that a limited... Do you guys have the same amount of tears as we do? Seems like you guys are restricting it a little bit, right? It's a mist. They come out in rectangles. LAUGHTER

I mean, we just squeeze it all out. White people can put it around the sphere of the eyes. I'm offended. How do you think they make duck sauce? That is true. That is true. How do you spend $200 on DoorDash, Hans? I tip the delivery drivers $50 each. I order two things.

Wait, what? I tipped them 50 bucks. You do? I did, just to, because it was her credit card. Oh, you knew that it was her credit card. Yes. Okay. So I wanted to spend her money. But I Venmo'd her back because I felt bad after I had sex with her. Wow. This is very weird. You are unbelievably honest. And very revealing of a lot of very interesting shit. This guy lives by a strange code. Okay.

This is unbelievable. So this was your, were you trying to like get her back? Were you trying to be in communication? You knew she was going to be like, Hans, you spent 200 on DoorDash. Yeah, but she didn't respond. And then I had to go over there to pick up my drone remote controller. Holy shit. Just the remote controller? You could have bought two of those with those tips that you just spent, man. And then I cried and then we had sex with a condom twice and without once.

This is unbelievable. See? People are like, "Why is Hans, what is the deal with Hans?" And I'm like, "Do you listen to these interviews? I don't even have to do anything. He gives you just everything you could ever possibly want to work with in the world." So some with, some without.

Yeah, the first two was with, and then the last one, it was without. Oh, you could hear him smiling. You could hear the talk. Yeah, the first two, there was none, and then the second one, there was. It's unbelievable. You just can't hide how excited you are to use that fucking raw, fucking, raw, is it still raw dog if you do it? This is where you should do the talk, Joe. Raw dog, raw dog, I got it, there we go.

Terry has a lot of dog inside him. Didn't work twice. That's how bad it was. And they knew I was making fun of it. When you're making a dog joke, you got to leave a little pause.

Thank you, Michael. Okay. Hans, we have come to a very, very interesting agreement, you and I, earlier on the phone. He is battling Rick Diaz in an unbelievably exciting rematch. While he won, he went on to challenge Rick Diaz to silence the haters. It's happening May 10th, live from the L.A. Forum.

Right? Yes. So we realize that what's not fair is that Rick gets to prepare this super minute over months without having to spend any minutes or interviews on the show. So it would be fair to give Hans Kim a break. So unless he absolutely wants one...

uh he will not be performing until may 10th live at the forum on kill tony i know i know listen to the controversy this is i'm telling you it's so funny he's about to stab himself with a sword you guys love hans kim don't you

See? This is what I'm saying. It's Chinese bots working against him, I think. Like that online and shit like that. That could be. Nobody hates Asians more than other Asians. This is true. You would agree with that, right? Well, shame to us. Well, yes. Absolutely. So, until he wants to again, that was Hans Kim. How do you feel about this, Hans? I feel great. I'm going to energize. I'm going to recharge. I'm going to come back better than ever. Yeah!

You know? Yeah. A lot of people cheered for me on that night at the arena, and I'm going to work hard for them. Abso-fucking-lutely. There you go. And that was Hans Kim, everybody. Make some noise for Hans, everyone. And I will tell you right now, indeed, later tonight, you will all meet the new regular that will open the shows every week here on Kill Tony. Isn't that exciting?

But now we go to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen, where anything can happen. As you know, these could be crazy people. It could be someone's first time. Anything can happen. You guys ready? 60 seconds uninterrupted going to your first bucket pool of the night. Molly Matledge, everyone. Here's Molly Matledge.

Hi. A bit about me. I love fun facts. A little fun fact I learned through watching a few seasons of "Wallin' Out" is that black people, stick with me, think that white people put raisins in their potato salad. Now, I don't know what the fuck is putting raisins in their potato salad, 'cause let's be real, it's mayo or mustard. Keep it moving.

But it does beg the question, white people, are you putting raisins in your potato salad? And if not, why do black people think you do? We'll come back to that. Another thing that I love are fun facts that rhyme, maybe impart a little wisdom. One of my personal favorites, liquor before beer, you're in the clear. Woo!

Beer before liquor. You'll fuck your co-worker. That's facts. Whoa, look at that. That got a huge laugh in this room. These people are desperate for comedy here tonight. They are really. All you have to really, they're just listening for pacing and timing at this point. They're pretty much giving it up for anything. I practiced. You did? Yeah.

Oh my goodness, I love it. This is the scariest fucking one of the Conjuring movies I've ever seen right now. I'm not sure what the fuck is happening. This is something out of my nightmares. You do look like if Chucky was a housewife. That's fair. I love her. Oh yeah, absolutely. So how long have you been doing stand-up, Molly? That was unbelievable. First time. First time, hell yeah. Yeah.

I'll tell you. You need a little raisins in that potato salad. You know what I'm saying? You got to add a little fucking something. Some spicy mustard, something funny, really anything. Got to dose it up. Paprika. Paprika, absolutely. I'll say for her first time, she was absolutely horrible. It was the worst thing that I have ever witnessed in my entire life. Holy shit. God damn it, lady. You pissed me off.

That seemed like comedy school, right? Or comedy college? Did you try to research this? Were you trying to strategically be funny? Because it does feel, like Red Band said, it feels like somebody took a comedy class. It was like, okay, something, a pop culture reference, Wild N' Out is really hip right now with the kids. And then, well, what's something else we can all agree on? Potato salad. Keep getting the one point.

She even moved the mic stand like a comedy class. Yeah. I asked. You asked what? I asked them. I said, what do y'all, I was like, I was thinking about taking it off and I was like, what do you recommend? He was like, I see the professionals. He said, take it off, put it behind you. The producer that helped you up the stairs said that? Who is that? Is that Colt? Is that you? Love my life. You're giving these people fun? The professionals take it out of the mic stand. You being creepy over there?

This is a little insight to how scary that back tunnel can be. Someone gets rushed over. They have to cross two streets. They're literally like, oh, fuck. So I'm definitely going up, right? These people, you must, they should interview you sometime. Look how afraid he was to get fired. Tony was like, what guy did this? And the guy's like, I didn't know. Oh, please. It wasn't him in his defense.

Oh shit. Who was it? You look like Mario. What do you got back there? She puts raisins in her potatoes out, but she ain't no snitch. Oh shit. Wait, was that you or her? That was me. Oh, okay, yeah. I'm like, wait. I was trying to fucking... I was like, that bitch is going to laugh like that? Women can be funny. Of course not. Of course not.

So Molly, what made you want to start stand-up now? Is it crazy if I ask how old you are? I just turned 41. Okay, there you go, 41. What made you start comedy at 41? Gosh, a feeling. It was just like inside, like I just felt the need to do it. I did. That was menopause. Oh.

I've followed comedy for years. I've written things down. I've always enjoyed it. I've gone to many open mics. I've never done any schooling. Talk into the microphone if you have all this experience. I've done so much shit. I did a lot of research. I was doing my homework. I've seen all the professionals. I know how to do it. Fuck yeah.

I haven't done any of that. Yeah, no. Wow. Okay. So what do you do for work, Molly? HR. HR. Oh my goodness. You do comedy like an HR person. It's incredible. Raisins and potato salad. I'm like, what? What? Like, who does that? And why would you? And stop that. That's my time. Okay.

And somehow Wild and Out has to do with this. She's going to kill on Facebook groups, though. Oh, yeah. Every HR person is going to be like, one of us. Fuck, yeah. The Little Red Machine. Molly Matledge. You're a true ginger. This seems through and through. There's no fake in that. Right?

My mom's 80%. 80% ginger? Yeah. Okay. How does that work? No, 80% retard. Gotcha, I wish. Okay, you work in HR. What do you do for fun? Tell us about the wild side of Molly. That's what I wanted. Am I right? Doesn't she seem a little too fucking...

Cookie cutter. Tell us, what's one of the wildest things Molly does on a regular basis? Well, one thing I thought you might think was fun was I love rap, Texas rap. Very well versed. Get the fuck out of here. Very well versed. I feel like you only sing the parts where they say the N word. No. You can probably play anything. The reverse white filter. She just gets excited to sing. Like, for real.

Do you, can you think you could freestyle? Oh, like salt and pepper at most, like maybe, but that's it. Wait, what? Like salt and pepper. Salt and pepper. What about salt and pepper? She's talking about red band's hair. She's still talking about things to put in the potato salad. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. So what about Salt-N-Pepa? I just said, can you rap? No, I can't rap. That's not rap. That's the most white woman thing ever. That's about it. It's not no scrubs. I probably sing along to a lot of the songs. What a man, what a man, what a man. Oh, I know rap. What a mighty good man. This is me with some Texas rap. Yeah. Yeah.

Who's ready to rap, everybody? Welcome to White Raps with Molly Mallage. She saw an episode of Wildin' Out once, and she's never been the same since. Oh my, what's Molly gonna rap about today? What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. Yes, he is. Indeed, he was.

What do you mean Salt-N-Pepa? She's having 90s fucking... How is that Texas rap thing? It's definitely not. I thought she was going to like sipping on some syrup or something like that. What kind of Texas rap are you talking about? Let's not give her any... Well, like Big Mo, ESG, Slim Thug. Like I have photos with them on 6th Street. Big Mo, rest in peace. But like I legitimately Swishahouse. Three Stooges? Michael Watts. Big Mo.

rest in peace. She almost poed out some Hennessy on that one. She almost pulled out one of those little airplane bottles, you know? This is the Molly they all rap about. Big Mo, R.I.P., one of the good ones. I'm gonna poe one out for him. Holy shit, Molly. Tell us more about this urban lifestyle of yours. Texas rap, salt and pepper, and a good time.

R.I.P. to all the homies that have passed on before me. I roller skate. You roller skate? Now that I fucking believe. The Texas rap thing, she had a fucking boyfriend. Should have opened with a roller skating. Yeah, roller skating is much more believable. I can picture you, you skate backwards, you like do crazy shit. That's still pretty black.

Yeah, it is true. I've seen the videos. You ever been with a black man? They really like gingers. Oh, yeah, you have? Oh, look at this. That's where this is coming from. Hell, yeah. Fuck, yeah. Is that your type? Is that your main go-to? It probably was more... You're going to say a phase? Jesus. Were you about to say a phase just then? There's real racism. I know.

It bled through. Was it black Spider-Man? I dated a lot of black dudes when I was younger. A lot? That hurt my feelings, and I'm Puerto Rican. Well, no, like majority were black is I guess what I meant to say. Wait, what? Majority were black when I was younger and growing up. Maybe I'm not answering the question. Okay, when's the last time you were with a black man? More specifically, a blind bass player. What was that again?

Fuck. She's got red hair, Dee. What are your thoughts about redheads? All the same to me. Can you tell if someone's redheaded, Dee? Is there like a sense or something? You ever feel that? Or just no? No. All right. No, but he likes music, so he knows she has no soul. Oh.

All right, get back over there. You're creeping everybody out. He doesn't know you're next to him. Molly, before I let you go, you are a very interesting interview. You seem like a real human, like you still have a soul and everything. What is the most trouble you've ever gotten in with the law? Fucking a black guy. Yeah.

That's why that phase ended early. Got into a bit of a... Curfew violation when I was 13. Oh my goodness. Rode the cop car. Holy shit. You crazy bitch. Fucking wild and out. Am I right? Molly, fun times. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations on your first time on this show. Have a great night. Molly Matlitch. Good catch, by the way.

Good first time, really. Good first time. Come on, make some noise for Molly, everybody. All right. Keeps going on. Your next bucket pool. I do believe we've seen this young man before. Make some noise for the great Trey Campbell, everybody. Trey Campbell. Hey, everybody. I've been getting a lot of ads on Facebook for things I don't need, mainly for free HIV testing.

I don't understand why I'm getting this. I haven't been with a dude since I was seven. Shit's crazy. It happened the day before Thanksgiving. I can tell you what I wasn't thankful for. That. Watch the whole Macy's Day parade standing up. Shit sucked. Shit sucked.

He told me, he was like, yeah, man, this is what you do when you're in a relationship. And by God, when I lost my virginity, I got pegged. So I guess that he was right. This is just trauma. I'm not even telling jokes anymore. This is cool.

I'm very nervous. I'm not drunk. So, yeah, you know, it's crazy. I hooked up with this girl. Oh, shit. All right. Go ahead. You hooked up with this girl on what? It's just I hooked up with this girl on Facebook dating, and we went to dialysis. You're adorable, Trey Campbell. How about a hand for Trey, everybody? William Montgomery, if he was a parade float. Thank you.

Let's just jump right into it. Luis J. Gomez. Give it up for Molly's son, everyone. That is my mom, actually. We are at 100% ginger bucket pools. This is incredible. This has never happened before. There you go. You know what that sound means, everybody? Multiple redheads. There you go. There it is. I love it.

Hello, welcome back to the show, Trey. You've been on a couple times before. This is my third time. Right, and you did some fun stuff with William early on. Had a great time. I was really high on Adderall. And now you're doing stand-up all the time. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half. You love it? Yeah, it's pretty cool. What else do you do? How do you make money? Uh,

I work at the Seeker Group sometimes. What do you do there? I'll stand by the door and check people's IDs and they think I'm not working there because you look at me, I kind of look like a bridge troll, but you know. You look like something, that's for sure. Kim Conga, I appreciate that. You look like a bridge troll or Reddit troll. I like that you're dressed the same way you were the day you got molested. Thank you. No, yeah.

It's adorable. Clothes fits perfectly. I can tell you what didn't fit perfectly. Fucking Trey Campbell. It's the guy's cock, right? Shit is crazy. The guy's cock? Yeah. Yeah, it's penis.

What kind of penis are you working with, Trey Campbell? Does the carpet match the drapes? Does it look like a fucking clown? Nah, I'm actually like... Nah, yeah, it does. I was trying to think of something funny to say, but I didn't. Nah, yeah, it matches the drapes. I'd imagine a lot of pubes, am I right? Does it like peek out like your hair does? Just fucking like... A little bit. It's kind of like a miniature version of like my actual head. Imagine Louis C.K. in fetal position. LAUGHTER

It's a funny cock. Always getting laughs. What else haven't we talked about in an interview? You must have thought of some stuff since the last time you were on that might be fun to share. Yeah, man, it's been crazy. Like, I had somebody notice me at Kroger from this show, and I was really excited because I thought he was going to let me shoplift. He didn't.

Fuck it. He didn't let me shoplift. I gotcha. I gotcha. How far did you commit to the shoplifting thing? I was like, hey, can I keep these? And he was like, no. Yeah. Wow. I'm like the worst criminal ever. Yeah. Hey, I'm going to leave with this if it's all right. Is it all right? It was not all right. Hell yeah. What was it? It was just a 24-pack of Dr. Peppers. Yeah.

You know what? You're not a... He's just a shitty fan. That's all that means. Yeah, fuck that guy. Yeah. You're not a bad shoplifter. I hope he gets fired. The fact that you added a plural to Dr. Pepper is incredible. It's a 24-pack of Dr. Peppers. It's the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. There's 24 Dr. Peppers in the box. All I wanted was 24 Dr. Peppers.

They're expensive now. You're cute. I appreciate it. You're like a fucking, like some type of fuck, I don't even know why he's like an Ewok or something like that, right? Thank you. Holy shit. I appreciate it. My God. You ever use this cuteness or adorability for fucking to get good things other than a 24 pack of Dr. Peppers? Well, um, no.

I should. You should. You should go one Dr. Peppers at a time. Yeah. Mind if I have this can of Dr. Peppers? I bet if you said that, if you said the full name to them, they'd be like, fucking get out of here. Yeah, go ahead. Mind if I have this can of Dr. Peppers? I should have. Fuck yeah. This is fun. Hell yeah. What's your love life like? Not great. Tell us more. What are you into? I just like any woman that's like, would like me. I don't know.

It's the saddest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. Thank you, man. But it's sweet. And I just watched Molly's one minute. That's my mom. Wow. When's the last time you were with a woman, Trey? Probably about three weeks ago. Where was that? In Houston? No, it was in, well, yeah, sort of. It was in Porter, Texas. Uh-oh. Anybody here from Porter? What are you, from the census? No.

I wish. That'd be a dope job, just going around asking people where they're from. That's open mics. Oh, yeah.

I've done a lot of those. All right, Trey. Well, how's moving to Austin? You said you're going to move to Austin. Yeah, that's my goal. You know, my cruise is pretty comfortable. Your what? My Chevy Cruze. We talked about this last time. Remember? I thought you were pluralizing the word crew. The cruze. My cruze are doing over drinking Dr. Peppers.

I would love to have you back on The Secret Show Thursday if you can. I'll be there, man. You know what they got there. Dr. Pepper's. High ceilings. High ceilings.

Yeah, my comedy career is similar to the ceilings at Sunset Strip. I got a high ceiling. I just called it Sunset Shit. I never even thought of that before. What the fuck? That's what I'm going to call it from now on. Going down to the Sunset Shit Comedy Club. I actually kind of like that. It is what it is. It's a Freudian slip. It's a more accurate name. There's no strips there, that's for sure.

All right. So, Trey, you got a gig out of it. You already have joke books, right? Yeah, I got one. There you go. The big one? Yeah. Good. There you go. It's Trey Campbell, everybody. Thanks, Tony. Goodbye. You're welcome, buddy. We had really good times up here. All right. Let's do another bucket pool. One word name. Very exciting. Make some noise for Longoria, everybody. Longoria. All right.

It's been a rough start of the year. For one, I found out that my upstairs neighbor is not so much of a pussy-crushing womanizer I have grown to admire from a distance. He's just been married for a while and beats his wife a lot. You laugh, but he killed her yesterday. I found out that people with Down syndrome can actually get a driver's license, and some of them can drive pretty good.

which sucks because now I don't know what to call Asian drivers anymore. And I've been dating this girl who has a very stinky pussy. But because it's very stinky, it's also very tight. So I figured if plants can grow and dogs can roam in the streets of Chernobyl, I can learn to love this stinky bitch.

That's my time. Boom. Exactly a minute. Longoria, I do believe this is your first time on the show, correct? I think I'd remember if a Dagestani wrestler came in here to do something. Holy shit, dude. What ethnicity are you? I mean, I don't mean to drop the bomb on you, but I'm half Mexican and half Arab.

Oh, okay. So, boom, bitch. What the fuck is going on? This place is out of control. Ew. You said half Mexican first, which I find interesting. You tried to throw us off, and then we're like, yeah, what about the other half? And that's where you just said Arab. It's a very broad answer. What's the other half? Oh, that's it. Mexican and Arab. But what kind of Arab? Oh, Egyptian. Sure. Sure.

That's what they told you to say. Egyptian Lebanese. I call those the whites of Arabs. Good answer. Very smart to pick the only acceptable Arabs. Yeah. Yeah, what kind of... Says you. That's what I meant, you fucks. Longoria, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Oh, this is my third time. Wow. How old are you? I'm 32. Oh, okay. Tough questions. What do you do for a living? I work with dogs. You what? I work with dogs. You work with dogs? Yeah. Okay. He delivers them to Hans Kahn. Yeah.

Okay, it's DoorDash in that case. It is vague the way he said that. I work with dogs. Just wait, let's get, what do you do? You stuff them with Arab bombs? No, what is it? Come on, what do you do with dogs? It's a call center. I train them how to use their phone and change their names to Steve. What the fuck is going on? That didn't land. That one didn't land. I know one thing. This guy's dog has a stinky pussy.

I train them. I bathe them. I sell dog food. I'm like a nutritionist as well. Just anything to do with dogs. How long have you been doing that for? Just a while. Just something I've always done. What's wild to you? Like, I don't know, like close to two decades, like almost 20 years, I guess. You're like a homeless dog whisperer.

Something like that. I work with a lot of rescues and unwanted dogs, and I fix them up and find them homes. You fix them up? I have four dogs right now. Wow. I believe you. Yeah. I'm not like a scary dog dude. What do your neighbors think of this fucking dog trafficking business that you're running?

I don't know. You have roommates? No, it's just me. Wow. You're able to pay for yourself. Fuck yeah, dude.

From this dog stuff. Yeah. Well, it's not just that. I also like, I sell collectibles online. There it is. Like, yeah. What kind of collectibles are we talking about? I'm from the Valley, bro. I got a lot of hustles. Stick up here. Let's not, don't cross the border and talk with Michael Gonzalez right now. I can tell half of you is leaning that way.

What the fuck were we just talking about? What are the collectibles? Like Funko Pops and sports cards and stuff like that. What? Oh, this guy's on the spectrum. Like toys and shit. No, it's just something I picked up during COVID. What's the most profitable thing you've ever sold? Give us the fucking, what do you pay for it? What do you sell it for?

phone kebabs. I bought one for... What are you saying? A phone kebab. That's Eric for phone kebabs. Oh, I thought he was saying fun kebabs. That's what I thought. What the fuck's a phone kebab? I'm sorry, dude. I'm just nervous. So like my pronunciation... I don't know what. I'm nervous. I signed up for a show. Now I'm on it.

What the fuck is going on over there? Keep your panic attacks to yourself, all right? All right, all right. Stay in the pocket here. I'm not nervous. I'm not nervous. I'm not nervous. I love this. This is what the guys were like on the plane on 9-11. They're just trying to play it cool. Oh, I wonder if they're serving food today.

Everybody ready for a fun flight? Some shady shit going on over here, dude. You ever think about doing a terrorist attack? Is there just a half of you that's like, I could see why. All right. Well, how would you do it? Very carefully. That's a good fucking answer. That's a good fucking answer. That's exactly how Osama bin Laden thought.

I love the fact that he leans into the whole terrorist look too, dude. You're not religious, right? You don't have to do this. No, I don't get any virgins at the end of this. Damn, dude. It's just eternal darkness. He just fucks himself 72 times. Do you have a weak chin or something? Are you hiding something? Do you have a weak chin or something? Are you hiding something? Nah, it's pretty solid. Good question, Red Band. It's just cheaper to not shave.

But you said very confidently that you live alone. How much money are we making from this dog business? How do you have your own place? I work at Petco, dude. I make shit from that. I just... Wait a minute. You work at Petco? Yeah. You're not in the dog business, dude. Yeah, you totally made it look like you have your own fucking... I do. It's just like on the side. It's not like a full thing right now. I just moved here a few months ago, so I'm trying to get it going. You got side bitches, dude?

You're fucking hustling a backdoor business at Petco? Have you been thinking about getting rid of this dog? No, I got a job. It's a comb. I don't know why I went with a comb, but I'm picturing a comb. Do you find the dogs to be annoying sometimes? Do you dance when that music comes on like that? Yes, I do. He's fucking trafficking dogs. I have a dog business. What do you want? I work with dogs. The fuck was that? All right.

Anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go? Oh, fuck. I'm probably going to think about it as soon as I walk out of here. Do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? You ever fucking... I write parody music. Really? Yes. Okay, who is that? Is that you? Okay. All right. Okay. All right.

To the tune of what? What kind of parody music? Okay, but just so you know, I don't sing well. I just write. We know. Let's focus on the lyrics. You don't fucking talk well. There's no way you're going to start enunciating to music. Shit, fuck. Just to let you know, I do not sing very well. You might be surprised by this. I work with dogs.

I'm gonna regret this. Okay, to the tune of what? You have a whole fucking band that can play anything right here, right now. They're gonna lose their street cred, but... You know Bad Day? What? Bad Day. Literally nobody knows that song. Some white guy with a beanie. Bad Day. Had a bad day. Had a bad day. That song? Yeah, that song. What the fuck? All right. Is that what you play before your terrorist attack? Oh, they got that very quickly. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh my god. Fuck. Wait. This really is a professional band. Wait, that's not it. Is that it? Okay, okay. You think they're wrong? I'm so impressed that they pulled that out just now. Okay, you know what? Nah, I'm not gonna pull this off, dude. Just fucking do it. Do something. Okay, okay. Because you had a bit. Jump in whenever you want. Okay. Let's go, let's go.

Where is the paper when you need it the most? You keep forgetting we had to buy those. They promise your butthole doesn't shaft as long as you use baby wipes. You don't have to pay your bills tonight.

Holy shit. That was hilariously, terribly bad. That was a terror attack. Gloriously bad. D Madness couldn't take him going off beat during the chorus and just starts going dead.

So that he would throw him off and stop everything. And it worked, by the way. I watched the whole thing happen. Dee had enough. Just goes, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. He's like, what's going on? I am singing my parody. I'm not a very good singer. I don't understand beats, rhythm, or timing. But anyway, other than that, you might like...

I said I'd just write him, dude. I don't... Jeff died. I think that went way better than I thought it was going to, though. Of course. Like, I was shocked. Holy shit. That's what happens. That's what happens. I fucking keep digging until I find one fucking interesting thing about somebody. I gotta give this guy credit. He's technically a little talented. It was his third time doing stand-up comedy. He was funny. The jokes were decent.

He's an interesting fucking weird little guy. I want to be friends with you. Yeah, let him kill as many dogs as he wants. He's a good guy.

I'll tell you what, man. You'll get a big joke book. It was a great appearance. Congratulations. There he goes. Longoria. The Kill Tony debut of Longoria. And now we are rewarded with one of our great regulars on this show, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's an absolute fucking sensation. The goddamn thriving, up-and-coming, young superstar. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from the great Cam Patterson. Cam Patterson.

I was doing a show a couple nights ago and there was a dude in the front row and he was just giving me this death stare. Everybody else was enjoying it, but he was just like, "Nigga, I hate you." What the fuck? But he was just like, "Nigga, I hate you." The whole time he just wouldn't break or wouldn't crack a smile. Towards the end of my set I was like, "Hey man, what do you do for work, bruh?" He was like, "I'm a cop." And I was like, "That's why you don't like me. That makes sense."

That makes perfect sense. And then by my last joke, I finally got him to laugh. I finally got him to crack open and smile. And after that, I said, hey man, did you have a good time? He said, I really enjoyed it. I was like, did you have a good enough time? If you put me over at three o'clock in the morning, I was blackout drunk, I got four prostitutes in the backseat, two pounds of weed, a Glock with a switch on it, would you let me go? He was like, you so funny, I'd let you go. I'm like, nigga, you was a terrible police officer. You supposed to shoot me, bitch.

Repeat after me. I saw a gun. That's my time. Boom. 59 seconds from Cam Patterson. Fuck yeah. We did it again. Hell yeah. That was one, huh? Yeah. We did it? Yeah. Got through it. Absolutely beautiful. 47 seconds with Cam Patterson, folks. You said 59, dickhead. It was. It was 59. We got the clock right here.

You guys all know Cam, international superstar Cam Patterson. Cam's fucking hilarious. Yeah, yeah. What's going on this week? Anything crazy? Man, for the last two weeks, I was very sad because I thought I had herpes. It was just the ingrown hair, so I was good. But I was very nervous. I got tested. Just chlamydia again. We winning. Yeah. There you go. Now I'm playing. If you want to fuck me tonight, that was a joke. I do not have chlamydia.

White bitch. Look at me. No chlamydia. Clean dick. Oh my God, we should call him Clam Patterson. I think that was a crime, what he just did to that lady, actually. You shut the fuck up, white man. You be the fuck quiet. In his defense, he did find the most blatant hoe in the audience and pointed right at her. That's a pretty shot. You can't catch chlamydia twice. There's no double chlamydia. She's looking at him like, motherfucker, you have no... I watched a crab jump onto another audience. Ha ha ha.

You watch your boyfriend think about how big Cam's dick is? Oh, yeah. The poor guy's just like, oh, no. Look, he's sweating. Yeah. Oh, no. Wait, that's your boyfriend? I had it. Cam, fuck my girl. Wait, I don't think that's the right beat. I love it. So how long did you go with the ingrown hair until you took the test? About two weeks. Oh, yeah, that's scary. Right after he cornrowed it.

I did do that. That was bad. Do black people ever do anything like that? Is that a tradition? Do they have any pubic... Yes. What do you do, John? What do you got down there? You got fucking candy cornrows? What's happening? What? What?

Oh. I don't need it. He realized he's talking to a room full of white people. What did he just say? I love it. Cam, when you thought you had this scare, did you stay away from pussy? I ain't fucking nobody. I was being very good. It was whole. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? I ain't fucking nobody. It's a better guy than me. Yeah.

A philanthropist. When we was in Vancouver, it was like two hoes that were like, I want to fuck you. And I was like, I don't think you should. I don't think it's a good idea for your health right now. And I thought about it deeply. I thought about it deeply. I should have did it, thinking back. Nothing was wrong. Yep, it's true. Just some fucking growing pains. Yeah, mix that on some pussy, man.

I love it. Pain. That's what that is. See my face? Pain. Did you get the hair out? Did you pop it and like I had a little baby hair thing that was all twirled up? Was that like a messed up? Did you look at the hair when you pulled it out? Yeah. Smell it? Yeah, you always smell it. Red Band smells everything. Yeah.

Did you also eat it, Red Band? No, no, no, no, no. I unfold it and look at it. It's cool. I get a lot of ingrown hairs. I'm hairy. Disgusting. Wow. This is another episode of Disgusting Red Band with Disgusting Red Band. Brought to you by Disgusting Red Band and only enjoyed by Disgusting Red Band. And we're back to kill Tony.

I love it. Cam, what else is going on? Anything else we need to know about? Oh, I got these two. I called them my two girlfriends, but they're just two schlutz I know. Ooh, schlutz. Yeah, schlutz. Ooh, damn, that's good to me. I like how I say it, man. Schlutz. Yeah. Child, you say it.

Jeff, say Schlutz. Oh, Schlutz. That sounded Jewish. Oi, there, I found you. Schlutz, down the street. Some real give-a-ruppers. Just putting it out there. I saw the coin purse. We're just going to Schlutz around here.

This is Schlutzberg and this is Schlutzstein. It makes sense because he did have to come through a tunnel to get here. Absolutely. That was beautiful. An underground railroad, if you will.

Anything else for Cam, guys? Killing it. Thriving. Headlining. Major tours. Out on the road with me. We're having so much fun. How about one more time for the great Cam Patterson, everybody? Great minute every week. Great interview every week. And the fun goes on. Back to the bucket we go. You guys hanging in there? Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're going to meet them all together. It's Matt Hart, everybody. Matt Hart is next.

Been having kind of a weird day. Somebody asked me if I was born a man or a woman. What the fuck? I was born a baby. Who's giving birth to fully grown people? I used to date a girl with a shopping addiction. Yeah, she would not stop buying heroin. Yeah.

Yeah. It's kind of sad. She actually shopped till she dropped, so... I don't know why I did that. I'm Jewish. Yeah, I actually got made fun of for being Jewish when I was a kid. People would throw a penny on the ground, and they'd be like, are you going to pick that up, Jew? And, I mean, I picked it up.

But it's not because I'm Jewish. It's because if you take that penny and invest it, then over time with compound interest, it's a pretty good financial decision. There you go, Matt Hart. Welcome to the show, Matt. Thank you. You seem like you've done this a couple times. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. Five years. Where at?

I started in upstate New York, and I moved here like two years ago. Okay. I love it. You moved to Austin two years ago. Yes. Yeah. Hell yeah. Where have you been this whole time? Have you signed up for the show before? Yeah. This is, I think, like the 90th time I've signed up. Are you serious? Holy.

Holy shit. And it's your first time on, right? Yeah, yeah. That's fucking amazing. That's how weird the fuck it is. Doesn't make any goddamn sense. So welcome, welcome. My God, 90 times. Is this how you pictured it? What's different? It's honestly amazing. It's the...

Actually, I'm less nervous than I thought I was going to be. There you go. Oh, I hate that cockiness. That's where the five years of experience gets you. That's for sure. He looks like John Gamos. He's deceivingly handsome because from this angle, when you turn your face to the side, you look like a fucking goober. But from the front, you're beautiful. I'm like, oh my God. It's actually true. Holy shit.

And that...

I've actually met right if I just had shit done to my face. Can you show them your profile? How gross you are from the profile? Look at you, right? Come on. One second. He's disgusting. And the next he's been Shapiro. Everybody is amazing. This guy is not good looking from the front. You guys stop it. What kind of guys do you like? What a stud. Look at this upstate New York Jew. Never seen a more fucking masculine man in my life. That's a handsome guy. Am I crazy?

I don't know. That's just a dude with a mother. There's something ultra attractive about him. Am I right? Is this not the best looking guy I've ever seen? All right. Yeah, this is the sound of Louis J. Gomez's heart right now. Normally, I'm the fag on the episode, Louis.

The man has a beautiful, don't tell me he's got a beautiful fucking face. He's competing with Jeff Dyer. This is crazy. Are you into dudes? Me? You're defensive. Whatever gets me into Hollywood, you know what I mean? Oh, he is Matt Rife. Yeah. No, I have a fiance that's a lady. Yeah, what does she do?

She is just a breadwinner. Yeah, she's a therapist. So yeah, it's pretty much. Okay. What do you do? I'm a bartender right now. Wow. On Sixth Street? No, it's just like south of Austin, like an Oak Hill area. Okay. How long you been bartending?

Just since I moved here. This is my first service industry job. What were you doing before that? I used to work. I worked at the airport, a small airport for like five years. What did you do at the airport? Tell us. Tell us, Matt Hart. Tell us what you did.

It's okay. Tell us what about the little airport. Okay. Little tiny airport. It was the tiniest airport you've ever seen. In fact, it wasn't even for full-size airplanes. It was actually for remote-control airplanes, and all they had to drink there was 24 packs of Dr. Peppers.

It was the littlest airport you've ever seen. It was for mostly paper airplanes, actually. Oops, oops, I stepped on one of my toys. I'm gonna tell you about the, oh, oops, oh, that hurt.

All right. Here he is. Tony is out-alphying you right now. You look like a bitch. What? I out-alphied you five minutes ago, you faggot. Don't you remember? How did you forget that? It just happened. You're overcompensating for it. You don't even realize it. Oh, you're okay now. I like you. Now you're good. Yeah. Okay. Tell us about the little tiny airflips. All right. Oops. I stepped on it. Ah!

I mean, you pretty much nailed it, but it's like... Yeah, just a small airport, Albany. Just a time.

Could be. The smallest. My goodness. Yeah. I feel like it's big for you, though. Yeah. I'll tell you, all the pilots had a hard time finding the airport. Because from up there in the sky, it was so tiny. It was even tinier when you're way up in the sky. I don't even have any help when I go in there. It's like, when am I going to be alone in this airport? Oh, my God.

Well, maybe if I had a friend, I could go to the airport alone. Maybe I could sign up for Kill Tony. 90 times. But I swear to God, if I don't get picked on that 91st time, I'm out of there for good.

I'm going to go back to the tiny airport and make something out of myself. They always said they wanted me back there anyway. I'm going to give it 90 chances till I head back to the world's tiniest little airport that you've ever seen. Don't let him get into your head. You're fucking hot, dude. You're hot. Okay, seriously, tell us about the fucking tiny airport. Yeah.

So yeah, well, as I said, you guys might know this, it was small and it was basically, I did every job at the airport. That's how small it was. One second I'm out there, you know, one second I'm guiding in the planes, these tiny little airplanes. And then when they arrive, I help them with their luggage. And I ask, do you want anything? Do you need anything? Do you have a car service coming?

Would you like me to order an Uber for you? Welcome to the world's tiniest airport. I used to have to duck down when I would go inside because it was made for tiny people doing tiny things. Carry-ons only at this airport. Oh boy, hope you didn't check any luggage. Oh, because if you did, I'm going to help you with that. Okay, I'm really... You're making it sound stupid, but that's pretty accurate. So...

That's kind of what it was like. You're a fucking funny guy. Wow. I love it, Matt. So you live here full time. You do stand up a lot. What's the longest set that you have? I've done about 20 minutes. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you want to. Now you're in the fold. And you got a big joke book. Boom.

Make some noise for Matt Hart, everybody. A fantastic Kill Tony debut. Could be 90 more weeks until you see him again. Oh. Nice. Not done tonight. Another bucket pool. We having fun out there? Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Shelby Boyd, everybody. Here we go. Shelby Boyd, everyone. Make some noise for Shelby, everybody. Make some noise.

Yeah, so Texas is weird, at least I think it is. Because the other day I was at work and I hear someone around the corner walking in heels and I'm imagining this tall, beautiful, successful businesswoman and instead this short, stocky man with a cowboy hat around the corner. It really threw me off. But I have a couple jokes for you about tortoises.

So my tortoise is like a piano. It'll kill you if it falls 50 feet under your head. My brother saw a turtle in Cancun, but I won up to him because I see a turtle every night when I shower with my husband. And honestly, I expected these jokes to last a little longer, so that's all I had for you.

Fuck yeah. Shelby Boyd. Welcome. Hello. How recently did you escape from a mental hospital? Was it hours ago or...

Pretty recently, yeah. How's it going, Shelby? How long have you been doing stand-up? About six months. Okay. All of it here in Austin, Texas? In College Station. Okay. Up there near the Dixie Chicken. Yeah. You know the Dixie Chicken? Nope. You don't know what I'm talking about. No. But you said yep. Yep. Okay. Very good.

It's a giant bar there where everybody goes after Texas A&M games. I just so happen to be friends with one of the greatest college football players and football players of all time, the great Johnny Manziel, Texas' own. Make some noise for Johnny Manziel, everybody. Fucking good boots is here. There he is right there. What's up with your tortoise? Are you crazy? Do you have a tortoise? I do have a tortoise. How big is it? Uh...

About that big. Okay. I saw this on an episode of Love on the Spectrum. He broke up with her, right? Well, tell us more about this tortoise. How did you get into the tortoises? Is this a snake addiction or something? How do you get to tortoises? No, my brother-in-law actually got it when he was a kid. And typical, he doesn't take care of his pets, so I stole it from him.

Typically, yes, you're right. People don't take care of the tortoises. Yeah. They live a long time, right? They're pretty hard to take care of. What do you have to do? You have to feed them once a day.

Wow. Fuck yeah. It's easier than a cat. Yeah. These answers are exactly what I would expect about a tortoise. Yeah. When you asked it, I was like, this isn't going to be interesting at all. And I was right. Yeah. No, it is you though. You love your tortoise? I do. Hell yeah. There you go. Don't fucking disrespect this woman's tortoise. She's obviously, you know. I bet. I have a thing with female comedians. Here's the problem. Shelby, what do you do for a living?

- I'm a marine marine biologist. - You're what? - A marine marine biologist. - You're a marine? - Yes. - Marine. - Yes. - Biologist. - Yes. - I'm a comedian comedian, thank you. - So you work for the Marines. You're a Marine. - I am a Marine. - And in the Marines your role is being a marine biologist or that's two separate things? - Two separate things. - So you're a Marine and you're also a marine biologist. - Yes. - You're not a marine marine biologist.

I am. Well, no, you're a Marine and you're also a Marine biologist. If you were a Marine Marine biologist, that means you would put on camo, go to a base and then study fucking underwater animals. Sorry, got bad news for you, but you don't do that. That's a fucking separate thing. I can put on camis if I wanted. And you're also, in addition to being a Marine, you are also and a Marine biologist. That's two of my careers. Okay. Okay.

- Shelby, what do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of girl who likes to crack a good can of Mountain Dews. - Yeah. - Mountain Dews. - I like to hang out with my tortoise, you know? - Yeah, what else? Tell us more about you, Shelby. - I'm actually a pretty boring person, I just-- - No way. - Yeah.

You identify as a tortoise. We know you're kind of boring. She tells a story and the tortoise is like, please, I only have 300 more years. The tortoise is like, get me the fuck out of here. Jesus fucking Christ. I wish your brother would have starved me. Why did I have to be a fucking tortoise?

It's an easy job. All I need is fed once a day. This bitch talking, my fucking... Do they have ears? They do. I like turtles. Aw, very good. Whoa, is that offensive to the tortoise community that he just said he likes turtles? Tortoises are turtles. Whoa, that's incorrect. What's the difference? What's the difference between a turtle and a tortoise? A tortoise is a turtle that does not like to swim.

So it's black. There you go. No, it can. It just doesn't like it. That's right. Starting wide receiver for your Alabama. Tortoise. Molly just poured one out for the tortoise. What would we be surprised to know about you, Shelby? You seem like you have some deep, dark secrets. Hmm.

I'm actually only here because my husband wanted to get on Kill Tony. Oh. And I stole his spot. Wow. Did he sign up as well? He did. And the plan was that it doubles his chances if you get called up that I would go, is your husband here? And then I would call him up? Not particularly. But it was mentioned at some point? That's why she mentioned it. She's being a shady bitch right now. Hold on. I want to get this fucking answer. It was talked about?

Not until I was back there. What do you mean? And then I mentioned that, you know, my husband brought me and then they made the joke. But he's the one that really wanted to get on stage. He is. And you did indeed take his spot. It could have been his piece of paper that I pulled. It could have been. Instead of you talking about a fucking tortoise right when it's straight.

Well, I don't care to see your husband. At all. How about that? Fair. How about that? I'm sure we would move a little bit faster. Yeah. In fact, we should. We should blacklist him. That's so funny. Trying to bend the rules here in the Kill Sony universe. Yep. Yep.

He could tour anywhere else, but he can't tour this. You know what I'm saying? Stupid. So stupid. So stupid. It took me 10 minutes to come up with that. All right, there she goes. Get out of here, Shelby Boyd. Here you go, Shelby. Here's a little joke book. Boom, there you go. All right. We pulled another name out. They wrangled the person. Make some noise for Shahab.

How you guys doing tonight? Okay. Oh, fuck. Oh, these lights are bright. Pull it together. Okay. Okay. Fuck. I just found out that... Fuck, I'm really nervous. Sorry, come on, come on. Okay. Okay.

I just found out, okay I got this, I just found out that Ricky Martin is gay. No, nobody else. Okay, just me. Fuck, fuck. I just found out he's gay and now I just feel really, really uncomfortable every time I masturbate to the thought of him. My drug dealer and I both think that the other is a cop. It makes purchasing drugs very difficult. Black people will often look at me

Please let me finish. Keep going. Black people often look at you and what? I want to know. Black people. There's almost one looking at you right now behind you. Just so you know. Technically, he is facing you. Black people often look at me like they're just waiting for me to say something racist. Being a people pleaser, I'm conflicted.

That's it. That's it? That's it. Oh, God. There should be so much more there. That's it. No, no, no. Oh, you had me on the edge of my seat. Wow. I'm conflicted. This guy is like a...

Yeah, it's right there. You got it all right there. You're like a master of setups. Zero punchlines. That's right. You are just the, you had us all. And then you show weakness at every turn. I know, I freaked out. The last thing I was expecting you to say after 20 seconds, this guy's naturally funny applause break was, oh, my lights are bright.

Dude, you can't have anxiety in leather. Yeah. You're like Charisma-less Dice. What is going on right now, dude? Hickory dickory dock, this guy's comedy sucks cock. Yeah. Oh! You're like Andrew Dicey Clay. Ha ha ha!

Yeah. You're like if they had fucking testosterone and medicine for Freddie Mercury back in the day. You seem like you should be a fucking rock star. What is your story? What was that? How many times have you done stand-up comedy? I've done stand-up for about a year and a half. Okay, where at? In Chicago. In Chicago. This is...

Yeah, this is the old, some of Chicago's fine town. No, no, don't judge Chicago on this. This was, this was, this was, okay, what do you do for work? I'm a,

I, uh, I, oh boy. I drive Uber. Okay. Yeah. Were you an actor? Did you do theater or something in Chicago? No, no. I worked at a university for 14 years and then I did stand up one time and I was like, I want to do this. And what did you do at the university? Uh, administration. So all the backend paperwork stuff. Yeah. I bet you have backend paperwork, dude.

Are you gay? No. Really? You just said that you jerked off to Ricky Martin and acted gay for a minute? No, no. I just said I get uncomfortable when I jerk off to him. When there's a penis in my butt. Who are you? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Shahab. Wow. Oh, that's hilarious. Shahab Dabatha Ben-Izzat. What are you? What ethnicity are you? Who are you? Okay, okay.

It's Tabata Bainajad and Persian. My parents are from Iran. They came here in the mid-70s. You look like a greaser that never fucked.

You do. You seem very shy and reserved and like, what's going on here? Tell us about you. Are you like a conservative guy? You stick to your Iranian roots? No, no. I was like straight edge until 38 and then I got divorced. I did MDMA with a beautiful Dominican woman and had a religious experience. I hate this guy. It is interesting. You're so likable until you talk, Shahab.

Is the beautiful Dominican woman here tonight? No, she's not. Where's she at? She killed herself.

Okay, all right. Let's stick with the interview here. Stick with me, Shahab. Keep answering fucking questions. Thank you. Yes. Was it just a one-night thing? Yes, it was a one-night thing. So tell us about your divorce. Do you have kids? No kids. How long were you married for? We were together 13 years. This was an Iranian arranged marriage? No, she's a... Your last name is what again? Tabo Taboinejad. Right. And you weren't in an arranged marriage? No. You got to just do whatever you want? Say it again? I just... Say it again! Tabo Taboinejad.

Yeah, dude. Say it one more time and a genie comes out. It sounds like you're falling down the stairs. Yeah, say it again. No, no, no, no.

That is fucking unbelievable. It's an extremely long one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 letters in that last name. It's a lot. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot for a last name. Yeah. And it's like, it's kind of cut short. I actually have like an official title. I have a say it. What's that? Say the whole thing. The whole thing. Yeah. Say the whole thing. It's a say it. Oh, fuck. Wow.

Sorry, I'm freaking, their lights are bright. I'm freaking out, man. Shut the fuck up, dude. How do you wear that jacket? How did someone sell you that jacket? They're like, man, I really fucking shouldn't do this. It holds my heart in my chest. Actually, it's like a security blanket. Oh, fuck you. Oh, God.

It's like a security blanket, I must say. Is that your real hair? It is. That's what I was thinking. That's why I've been staring at this motherfucker. I'm like, that hairline is here. You have a good hairline. The hair in the jacket's Amazon Prime. Red band. Red band. Not the highest batting average, but when he gets a hold of that shit...

It goes out of the park. They got to go in the river to fucking, they have to go get in their kayak to get that home run ball. Deep out of the arena. It does look like that. You look like that. You look like we ordered you off of Amazon Prime. Good job, Red Band. Hell yeah. Fucking two-day delivery. Look at this guy.

My goodness. So, did I ask you what you do for work? Uber driver? That's the whole fucking answer? You're like a creepy Uber driver? I'm actually, not a creepy, I think I'm a very good Uber driver. What kind of car do you have? I have a Prius. You wear that jacket while driving that car? Oh no. The Prozac of cars. It was zzzz.

Oh my goodness. Get in. You didn't hear it start. You just make the noises with your mouth. You ready to ride? Oh, welcome to my Uber. God, I'm so nervous. I'm driving you today. Oh, I'm not really good at this. I hope we make it to your destination, but if we don't... Oh, the headlights coming at us are very bright. Oh, my goodness.

Oh no, is that a stoplight? Is that a stoplight ahead? I'll tell you, black people often think I'm going to say something racist. I get you and I get the jacket. I don't know how you fucking decided to wear the jacket.

Like what made, like none of the thing about you is this look. I love where he's going with us. Tell us the truth about that jacket. What made you get it? Where were you? When did it happen? It looks like it's like it's first fucking night out or something like that. It looks like it belongs at JonBenet Ramsey. All right. All right. I'm talking to fucking Edward Scissorhands over here. After being made a real man again.

You were once a cookie. Where did you first see the jacket? Tell us about this. Have you owned it a long time? I've... Tell us about the fucking jacket. Yes, focus. I got it, so right...

God damn. Right when I was getting divorced. When was that? What's that? We don't know when you got divorced. September of 2018. Okay. So there we are. Five years ago. Keep going. Nice and slow. Okay. Need some better lighting on this. I was in Chicago. I was in Chicago at the shots. Nice and slow. Take your time.

at the Schatz leather jacket store. Louder, louder, but take your time. Yes, thank you. At the Schatz leather jacket store, and I tried this on, and I took a picture of it, and then for two years, I just thought about this jacket. I'm serious. Oh, God. Come on. Come on.

So hold on. Hold on. Pause for applause. You got this. You're doing what the guy in the jacket should have done all along. We're finally, we got you there. We're slowing you down. Breathe a little bit in through your nose. No, not, not just breathe in and out through your nose. Okay. Deeply though.

Thank you, Tony. So you thought about it every day for two years. Two years. And then what happened? So what I realized about myself was I was, whenever I'd go to a thrift store, I'd look for a leather jacket. And I ended up like buying like multiple shitty versions of this one. And I thought it was. How many versions do you think you were chasing that dragon? How many do you think you bought? I think two or three. Wow. Wow.

And then finally I realized, like, it's important to just get the thing you want in life and not settle for some shitty version. Do you remember where you were when you had that thought, that moment? I was in Chicago. Right. Yep. Still in Chicago. Sorry, yeah. Where did I have that? The entire city. I became a cloud that day, and I overtook the entire city of Chicago. And while being that cloud, I realized, get what you want. Woo!

Keep going, keep going. So I think I was probably in my apartment because I spent the two years of the pandemic alone in my apartment doing a lot of psychedelics. We know. A lot of psychedelics. Right. Okay. Okay.

Did you used to have a crazy job or something? I worked at a university. That's right. And you were like, buy the book and all this stuff. And then you fucking did MDMA with a Dominican chick, divorced your wife, fucking went out on your own. You're like, I'm going to fucking make it. I'm Iranian as fuck. I'm going to be an Uber driver. Yeah, well...

You're like, I'm going to fulfill what an Iranian should truly be doing. With the last name, I mean, if this last, if I got you as an Uber driver, I'm like, guys, it's okay. Our ride's on the way. It's Shahab Tabitha Al-Akbar III. No big deal. We have nothing to worry about. Sure, it's going to be a super safe ride. And then a fucking Prius rolls up. You're like, get in.

Okay, tell us about the jacket. Let's go back. Okay, so... You thought about it. You realized, I can get what I want. How long after that? How long did it take you after you had that epiphany to buy the shots leather jacket that you thought about every day for two years? It was two full years, and then... Then you realized you should get it, and then you got it. Yeah, I got it. How much was it? It was like $900. That's it? Wow. Okay. Why did you wait so long?

That was the insurmountable hill that you couldn't get over? Really? Well, that's a lot. That's a lot. Don't be a fucking dick. That's a lot of Uber rides in an Uber X. I don't know if you know what 15% of fucking 21 is, but... I just forgot he was Puerto Rican for a second. That's a lot. Okay. So how did you feel when you went back to shots? You tried it on again, didn't you? Before you bought it.

You know, the Shots Chicago store closed. Oh, there's a huge twist here. So then what happened? You went online. You had to go to the website. Yeah, I had to buy it online. And you had to take a chance, didn't you? No, no, because when I took, I did like a photo shoot with a jacket, and I specifically took pictures of the size. It's like a 38 long. I got really long arms. The whole time, JonBenet is decomposing. All right. Pineapple to the stomach.

Okay, look at you now, just using a bomber jacket, what it was meant for all along. Is it a bomber jacket? Is that what that is, a bomber jacket? No, it's not even a bomber. A bomber's one of the inflatable ones. Yeah, I fucked it up. It's still good. It still counts. Oh, yeah, that's good. That's good. All right, tell us something else crazy that we'd be shocked to know about you. This interview has gone on way too long, but I feel like there's more there. In the last 60 days, I've done seven nights of ayahuasca.

Oh, that answers a lot. How long have you been signing up for the show? I think this is my fifth or sixth time. So I've been traveling back and forth from here to Chicago. I don't really live anywhere right now. I'm a bit nomadic. So just kind of... You live in your Prius? I do. Wow. That's a really cool way to say homeless, dude. He lives at work. Yeah. All right. When you love what you do. That is so interesting. Do you love what you do?

I really like talking to strangers, and my favorite thing is like... That's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. Also, you were terrified to do it. See, I love talking to children and strangers and just trying to get them to come to my van. All right. Who are you, really? Oh, my goodness, Shahab. How old are you? I am 43. 43. Wow. You don't look a day over 62. That's incredible. Um...

How long you been doing it again? So I did it one time and then I quit my job June of 22 and started doing stand-up. There you go. There's a little joke book. Thank you. We still having fun out there? How do you feel? You good? Yeah, I feel really good. You happy? Yeah. I mean, I wish I would have done better, but I appreciate you guys being so nice. You're so human. I'm kidding. You're so human. Why are you so sweet? I hate you. Hold on, stop. I'm going to keep him here longer.

There's more. I haven't figured you quite out yet. What's a dark side to you? Tell us an actual, because you seem all goody two-shoes. I like everybody. It's kind of wild. Yeah. After college, I wanted to join the Marine Corps just to see how much suffering and misery I could take. But then my college sweetheart, later wife, and then ex-wife was like, it's me or the Marines. And I ended up not doing it. So I always had that regret because I was curious where my breaking point was. Have you ever thought about being a Marine marine biologist? No.

All right, I'm getting you out of here. There you go. Shahab, da-da-da-da. Fuck yeah. Guy's a little bit too human. He's like too human. Get out of here, Shabbat. There he goes. Look at him. He's so sweet. He's like one of those people from like an old sitcom or something. Hi, I'm Shahab Tabata Bira. All right, make some noise for Anthony Moan or Monet perhaps. Anthony Monet. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Anthony Monet.

So, uh, recently I started doing the keto diet, right? That's not funny. Um, but I tell you what, if you guys want to feel alienated and get some dirty fucking looks, then you should come out to your Italian family as being keto. I had one uncle tell me that he wished I came out of the closet for real instead. He goes, suck all the dicks you want, dude. But you're giving up bread? I fucking hurt, man. I'll tell you.

But yeah, it's awful. I tell you, like, honestly, you guys got to see the disgraced looks on their faces as I just desecrate the top of a slice of pizza. They honestly, they treat me like I'm a fucking disgrace, you know? Like, they treat me like we're a Muslim family and I'm the only member of the family who eats pork exclusively. They treat me like we're an Indian family and I'm the only member of the family who didn't become a doctor or an IT guy.

All right. There it is. Thank you, Monet. Am I saying that right, Monet? Moan. Moan. Yes, sir. Oh, I should probably grab the mic, right? Yep. Moan. Hell yeah. Welcome, Anthony Moan. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. Where at? Upstate New York. Oh. Wow, wow, wow. An ongoing theme in tonight's episode. Where? Rochester? Towards the east coast, like near Albany. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, it's...

rough out there the worst yeah it's one of those places there's not a lot to say you know you've lived there your whole life uh yeah well closer to Saratoga but Albany is like the closest yeah how old are you uh 33 33 yes sir you have all your old buddies from high school and everything yeah I mean my high school was like one of those like like extra white high schools you know what I'm saying yeah no upstate New York we definitely know what do you do for work Anthony sounds nice oh I'm a barber unfortunately buddy okay it's a fucking terrible job

Yikes. I love it. Where do you live now? I just moved to Austin about six months ago. Okay, how do you like Austin? I like it, man. I'm from the suburbs, though, so it's a little bit more homeless guy dick than I'm used to seeing.

So it's been eye-opening. It's a lot of nudity and fucking just random meth use. In Austin? Yeah. Where do you live? You live right underneath the freeway or something like that? What exact neighborhood are you in? Homeless dick, meth use, syringes everywhere. I requested it actually from the real estate agent. I was like, where are the dicks and the meth? Okay. Yeah. Okay, Anthony. What's something we'd be surprised to know about you? I got arrested for the first time since I moved here. What happened? I had a fucking weed vape, man.

What? Yeah. What do you mean you got arrested for a weed vape? So, I mean, I'm not trying to compare New York to Texas because people get all mad when you do that. But just because I'm used to being in New York, I just... If you don't want people to get mad, you shouldn't say that part either. Touche. Go ahead. What happened with the stupid... How do you... There's something more to this story, by the way. Yeah, it was a bad start, bad start. Turns out you're not allowed to hit a weed vape while practicing pedophilia. Or driving. They got me for the weed vape. Yeah, he was driving, right?

Totally the weed vape. But no, I just, I'm saying like I was so lax about it, like a moron, you know, cause I was like in New York mode where it's like, tell us what happened. Leave the shit. Well, they asked me if it was fucking a Delta eight and I just was being honest like a moron. I was like, no, it's weed. Were you pulled over? It's decriminalized out here. So how did this happen? Well, the pens are still, listen to this shit. Did you get pulled over? Yes, sir. Or were you on the street? I got pulled over. It's called DUI, dude. No, I wasn't high. No, I wasn't high. No.

I wish I was fucking high. The arrest would make more sense. Like, I was fucking stone sober. It was in my cup holder and I was just honest. I said it was weed. But I knew I was fucked because the cop was like real Texas, like small town Texas. And he... Yeah, right? And he goes... He literally looked at D Madness on that like, don't you hate when you get pulled over, my friend? Anyway. But at one point... He's just like, what? What the fuck? I know you ain't talking to me. But...

Is that how he lost his eyes? Wait, what? You don't lose your eyes, Kim. That's not how being blind is. She took the heat off me. Is that where he misplaced his eyeballs? What the fuck? So the cop was like real small town Texas? Oh, my bad. He was real small town Texas. And he said at one point, he goes, I don't know how they do things in New York.

And that's when I knew I was fucked. Yep, you are. You seem like you have bookie energies. Do you partake in any of your... Does the Italian blood keep you doing illegal things, do you find? Just weed stuff, man. I mean, I like Texas, but I just don't get why...

Everybody's packing heat and chugging whiskey, but if you have a fucking weed vape, you're a terrorist. No, you're so unlikable that he wanted to get you on something is what happened. It's my face. It's my face. None of us want to jump in and tell jokes right now. That's how unlikable you are. We're all kind of sitting here silently like, what's up with this guy? And what's wrong with whiskey and guns? They're dope too. Why didn't you just say it was D8 though? Why didn't you...

He wouldn't have known. They're not going to test it. There's no lab. That's what you get for trying to be honest. Yeah. Yeah, seriously, though. No, I just figured, like, I've gotten in situations where I was honest and it worked out, but it just wasn't one of them. You know what I mean? You're like if Turtle from Entourage was a tortoise. Stupid. Stupid. It's a fucking honor. Right. Okay. Anthony Moan. Did I get another one? Was this the last one? Oh, son of a bitch. Let's do one more. Let's go snag one more out of here. All right.

Tell us something else. Do you have any special skills or talents? Do you have a freelance rapper or anything like that? Do you have any parodies? Not really. Nothing musical. I mean, I'm nasty at ping pong. Are those necklaces real? No. You're very kind. You're very kind, sir. How much did you pay for that big fake diamond necklace? Well, it's one of those where it's like fake but not too fake. Like it's real silver but the stones are fake. So I fuck with that. He is honest. Yeah. So you're not...

Just right away. No, that was a fucking fake. Yeah, dude, we're not going to test your diamonds. Just say they're real. If you want to, bro, bust out the tester. Bust it out. Bust it out. Just honest to a fucking T. That makes your dick. It's really small. It's a really small dick. It's really small.

No lie. Be exaggerated a little bit, dude. What's your love life like, Anthony? It's not going well, buddy. Tell us about it. Tell us about it. Tell us about a time you've blown it with a girl. Oh, God. Perhaps the most recent thing that you did with a girl. Well, you can probably tell by my set, but I like dirty jokes. And I think sometimes I jump the gun with the dirt. You know what I mean?

You gotta ease into that kind of thing and sometimes, oh god, the music's really setting the mood here. You're not supposed to acknowledge that. Well, the last girl I went out with here was like a lesbian-leaning bi woman. Was she like that when you met her? Or did she turn into that immediately after hearing some of your material? That's what it was. You're on your setup, she just starts shaving her head. Go ahead, I'm listening.

I'm becoming a lesbian, but keep going. It's a skill. It's a skill. Yeah. But no, it was just awkward. So like my Italian family, if you go off the bread, they're like, fuck you, dude. That was like Mexican almost, wasn't it? Fuck you, dude. Very good. So how do you...

How did you know that... When did it all go wrong with that? So at one point during the meal, I used the word female. I can't remember what we were talking about. Oh, fuck. Right? Dude...

She said it was a... Please tell me more. I can't even imagine what this is like. Go ahead. She told me it was an offensive term. Yeah? Go ahead. How did she say it? What do you mean? Like, I can't remember the, like, specific thing we were talking about. Because you weren't listening. No, I wasn't listening at all. Whatever, bitch. It's like, so females belong in the kitchen? I didn't even get to that point. I didn't even get to the point where I could tell her... Like, I just find the word female offensive. Listen, cunt. Uh,

That's what I wanted to say. Trust me. I bet it is. Upstate New York, fully Italian. Yes, sir. But I can't remember what it was, but she was like real sweaty, too, which I was just. Yeah, right. I'm desperate. Yeah, right. Am I right? Fuck yeah. Anthony Moan, get the fuck out of here, dude. Oh, the only drop of the night. A fun fact. I'll get it. Tortoise Girl, Cotter Book, Trey Campbell. Oh, actually, he didn't. He already had one.

All right, get out of here. Get out of here. Anthony Moan, everybody. All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Michael White, everybody. Your last bucket pool of the night. Michael White. Oh, shit. Oh, we know this guy. Holy shit. Make some noise for Michael White, everybody. I was raised by a black mama half my life. Shout out to Mama Ira.

I know this is my second time on the show, but I'm still a little nervous because I'm not used to being in front of this many white people. I'm Baptist. No, because I'm usually in a place where there's just black people, Mexicans, and then me. And I don't know if y'all know this, but wiggas don't like other wiggas. We hate each other. We want to be the only one. One time I was at Club Hypnotic chilling with my black homeboys, and I see this white dude walk in. I started barking. He was barking back. We were barking at each other. Hey!

Kinda like when house slaves get jealous of other house slaves. Like, who the fuck let you in? Racism is a distraction. Technically, we are all black. They just point out our different pigments to make us forget that the first human is from Africa and we all came from the same human. So that means there's only one race, the human race. Some of us just came out with a disability. Why do you think society provides us with so many privileges? Because you have to be nice to handicapped people.

Watch your mouth! The madness getting wild. How about a hand for Michael White, everybody? A true performance, if you will. A little one-man show there. Louis J. Gomez. He gave like a wigger Braveheart speech in the middle of that. I don't know what the fuck that was, but I got inspired. I was like, yo, we are all wiggers.

It was unbelievable. Yeah, go ahead, Jeff. I was just confused because I don't see race. I just see everyone as white. Isn't that beautiful? It's very positive. Yeah, it's beautiful. Glasses half full, Jeff.

Holy shit. Michael White, you've been on this show once before, an instant legend. I remember you make spaghetti and you sell spaghetti. You are known for this. First of all, all three of them look like the dudes from the Rice Krispie box. Okay, look. No one wants your snaps, your crackle, or your pops here tonight, you son of a bitch. Yes.

You stop it. I didn't realize the Keebler elves had a power forward, but this is... Oh, man, you look like Minnie Mouse's slave owner. I actually am Minnie Mouse's slave owner, so... Wait, do you make your mom's spaghetti?

No, first of all, I was selling spaghetti before Eminem opened up that restaurant. It was 2020 when I started. His was like the end of the 21. My ex-girlfriend from Italy taught me how to make it. It's a different story. Oh, tell us about it.

I already told y'all last episode, man. Go watch it. The Kurt Fox one. Okay. But how's it been going? How's the spaghetti business been going? Man, that last episode blew me the fuck up. Yeah. Everybody blowing up my DMs. Like, where's the spaghetti? People from Canada. Where's the spaghetti? I'm like, stop it. Have you been selling it?

You know, actually, I've been having so much support from fans, like, sending me money through cash and shit. Are you asking for it? I haven't had to sell spaghetti yet. When they hit you up, are you asking for money? Do you think... Okay, I ask. You're digitally panhandling? Do you think that I could get an eighth of spaghetti? But my spaghetti...

But my spaghetti is always like my fallback, like when I need to, like when nobody can hear me, I bet I'll go to the kitchen. You know what I'm saying? So I can be my own boss. Because I've been a hustler all my life. Before that, I was selling CDs since I was 15. You seem like it. Absolutely. When did you stop selling CDs?

And whenever CDs became a thing where you couldn't really sell no more, people were like, I want to scan your code. What the fuck does that mean? You know, shit like that. That's when I went to the kitchen. This guy comes hot Cheetos. Tell us about your living situation. What is that? Oh, it's cool, man. I'm broke in the suburbs. Yeah, what does that mean? You have a house, an apartment, roommates? I have an apartment. I got the smallest one.

You live by yourself? For $840. Oh, shit. How long you been there? And it's in the suburbs. Mm-hmm. Corpus Christi, you can live in the suburbs for $800.

You're in Corpus Christi? Yeah, yeah. That's what, like a four-hour drive or something? Man, three and a half. Yeah. Yeah. You drive a little bit faster than me. I come every week over here. It's my 19th time and my second time on a show. I love that. I've been in one car crash coming over here. Tell us about that. On the way here? Man, it was actually a blessing in disguise because I got some money from that shit. You did? Yeah.

- Ew! - Yeah, this guy is black. - One thing I noticed about visiting Austin, Texas, man, is I'm grateful that I'm the only white person in Corpus Christi. Man, I had this white bitch walk up to me. Let me call her Street Karen. She talking about, "I grew up, I'm from the streets, "and I grew up with black people, "but I don't sound like you." Like, okay, bitch, well, we can't all be winners.

You are the real deal over here. I got to tell you. Tell us more. What's been going on in your life recently? I feel like you're a never-ending fucking vessel of entertainment. Yeah, what have you done since you gave AIDS to Jenny and kids?

Well, he's been camping outside of Shoe Palace. I've been living and breathing this comedy shit, man. Right. How many spots a week have you been doing? I've been... Well, there's this spot on Thursday in Corpus that's popping the most, and I go there sometimes, and I just...

I just been uploading my shit. I don't like driving out of town unless it's for some real shit like this. You know what I'm saying? Right. That makes sense. And when you have some, what are you, a rapper or something? What's your special skill again? Yeah, I've been a performer since I was 13. I used to battle rap every Friday from 13 years old to like, I was 17. You want to rap something here tonight? Yeah, yeah. Let's get it. Let's get it. Whatever you did last time, do something different. Yeah, how about we do the second verse of that song?

Okay. Hey, because that song blowing up. Everybody's hitting me up. Okay. Releasing this special release of the second verse of Michael White doing some Corpus Christi. This is perfect. I love rap. Oh, yeah. Y'all remember? All right. So I'm going to do the second verse on this song since I did the first one last episode.

All right.

Middle finger to the Ritalin pill. And F Dr. I Schmanford. Mama, I should be on this deal after telling them. I really don't like the way this pill make me feel. It ruin my appetite and it makes my life feel boring as hell. I'm too young to be depressed. This ain't natural. Let it be ourself. And if we get out of line, there's a thing called the belt. I got spanking like a motherfucker.

♪ But they said that didn't help ♪ ♪ So they felt they had a lock on my childhood ♪ ♪ Mentally in a prison cell ♪ ♪ But they done messed up ♪ ♪ Now I'm out of my cage and free to be myself ♪ ♪ I was in special ed and resource class ♪ ♪ I'm sure you can tell ♪ ♪ I thought school was a waste of time ♪ ♪ And all I wanted to do was rhyme ♪ ♪ So I sit next to the smart kids ♪ ♪ Copy off their paper ♪ ♪ Then go back to my notebook ♪ ♪ Stop by facing it ♪ ♪ Then think of a dope line ♪ ♪ I don't smoke or drink ♪ ♪ But don't get me wrong ♪ ♪ I did it a few times ♪ ♪ I just enjoy being sober ♪ ♪ But then being drugged up all my life ♪ ♪ It feel good just to be able to express myself ♪ ♪ That's how I stay high ♪ ♪ I don't smoke or drink ♪ ♪ But I don't mean I compete with what they do ♪ ♪ I'm just saying we ♪ ♪ My 80 AD is all I need ♪

that was the second verse that was just one verse yeah that was that was the second verse oh my goodness wow is there a third verse uh no it's just two seconds okay all right just checking just checking dean was that good yeah man i i with him because he don't see color

There you go. Congratulations. That is the 500th time that joke has been done. He probably still doesn't know I'm white. I love it. Now, what did you say during that verse? Can we kind of slow it down a little bit? Okay, you want to hear it? All right, all right. I want to hear what you were saying. Something about ADHD. No, not the chorus. Let's skip the chorus. We're going to do it to the beat of acapella. All right, like that. Let's go nice and slow. We're going to tickle it. Oh, wow.

Middle finger to the Ritalin pill And fuck Dr. Ashman for telling my mama I should be on and still after telling them I really don't like the way this pill makes me feel It ruins my appetite and it makes my life feel boring as hell I'm too young to be depressed This ain't natural, let us be ourselves And if we get out of line

There's a thing called the belt. Now I got spankings like a mother, but they said that didn't help. So they felt they had to lock up my childhood mentally in a prison cell. But they didn't mess up, because now I'm out of my cage and free to be myself. I was in special ed and resource class, I'm sure you can tell. I thought school was a waste of time, and all I wanted to do was rhyme.

Wow, I like it like that. Isn't that wild?

It's so much more amazing when you can understand it. It's better. It's better slow. It makes you seem like 50,000 times smarter. Tony, I heard you got dicked down by a mandingo while you were asleep and you still didn't wake up. Wait a second. I just complimented him and the guy just fucking...

What the fuck was that? This is how this is the Game of Thrones for you, everybody. I'm trying to make a fucking star over here. I'm like, okay, one more time. A little bit slower. Guy gets half a standing ovation. He's like, you got raped by a giant black man. What the fuck is going on? What is this? This is a cold business, people. I could fuck you and it wouldn't be gay. Because my dick wouldn't feel it. What the fuck? No, no.

Oh my God. Self-destruction. This is why you live in an $800 apartment. You make terrible decisions. You had it all. I was about to announce you as the newest regular on the show. I'm kidding. I'm joking. I'm kidding. If you were in a movie, it'd be called AIDS Mile. All right, I'm white now. Can I get a golden ticket? No.

You know, I would love to, if you can do 10 minutes of rap on a secret show, if you want to, but you can't do comedy. Hell yeah. You want to rap some songs? Yeah, I would appreciate that. Oh shit, there you go. That's a gig. Michael White.

Another great performance. I hope y'all know on Reddit, everybody is saying differently. They've been begging for my return because of my comedy, not just my rap. Okay, yeah, we got you. Relax there. Yep, all right, Danny Brown. There you go. All right. I'm a better comedian than y'all. Y'all ain't even funny. I'm a comedian than a rapper.

That's my Danny Brown impression, everybody. Not good. I remember when I was... Y'all ain't even funny. That's all he ever says. He gets angry, drunk eventually. Y'all ain't even funny. I'm going to tell you this quick story about when I was waiting to get my name called outside. When y'all used to do it in the alley. What? Remember when we used to wait in the alley to get our names to get called? Do I remember when y'all used to wait in the alley? Yeah, the comedians. We used to wait right there. You said we. We.

Not you, my bad. When you had us. Yeah. Before y'all put us in a luxurious club and shit. Right. I love that you think it's luxurious. It's Poor Choices. It's called Poor Choices on 6th Street. The alley should have been Poor Choices, but...

Now, the doily on your head is unraveling at a very fast rate. What happens when it covers your face? Does fucking Molly Margle come back out again? What was her name? I remember one time we were waiting out there and David Lucas came out. Molly Matledge. So David Lucas came outside and he was looking around, checking out the scene. And I was like, yo, David Lucas, let me go on tour with you. And he was looking at me like...

Boy, you ain't going on a road dressed like you stuck in the year 2005. Right. And then he gave you his T-shirt and left. We almost got into a fight. All right. There he goes. Michael White, everybody. We almost got into a fight, but he actually gave me a lunch. All right.

Yeah. And then I went and made some spaghetti. Tell him I said, okay. All right. There he goes. He's shouting out his cash app. Everybody. Jesus fucking Christ. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you know, this is one of those moments that the fan base, all of you, everybody in the kill Tony universe is going to remember forever because ladies

William Montgomery could not make it tonight, everyone. He has some type of infection or something like that, sinus infection. So he's missing tonight. But in his place, we get to introduce the

the newest regular to Kill Tony. This is the man that will be opening every episode of Kill Tony, at least until May, when Rick and Hans, Hans Kim and Rick Diaz, have their rematch. And if he wants to, I mean, who knows what can happen. But ladies and gentlemen, the point is, this is our first regular, new regular announcement since the great Cam Patterson seven months ago. You guys excited about this? Yeah!

Surprise, surprise. Writing and performing a new minute every week from now on. He's going to be starting every show. A man who is a fucking mythical creature around these parts. Probably one of the best fucking comedians in all of Austin, Texas. Wild as hell. Just a fucking thunderstorm on stage when doing longer sets.

loved by everyone that has a good sense of humor. I can tell you that. This is your newest regular and new Kill Tony legend. Make some noise for the return of the great and powerful Casey Rockett.

Some folks are born, made to wave the flag. All right, very cool. Hell yeah. Happy birthday, Santa. All right. Very cool. God, I wish Santa was here to see this. Okay. He loves it when a good boy goes bad. All right. Hell yeah. Get real. Get lost. We're having fun. Yeah, I've had a lot of weird jobs in my life. I was a lobster in a grocery store tank for a summer. Great job. Great benefits. All you can wear rubber bands. All you can wear rubber bands.

I gotta get out of here. I promised my fiance I'd watch monster truck videos really loud while she's asleep, so... Babe, wake up! Gravedigger's going berserk! Like... I can't... I can't... Hell yeah. Just riffing. Cal Rifkin Jr., we're having fun. Hell yeah. Raw riff energy. R-R-E. What's that spell? Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Casey Rocket, thank you guys. Happy to be here. Holy shit. Yep. Yep. The future has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Casey motherfucking Rocket. Hell yeah. That's how you start an episode right there.

The man is a freak of nature. It is... Yes. You know what that sound means. The rocket has arrived. Doing some tongue stuff. Doing some tongue work. Hell yeah. Everybody likes it. Yeah, William's sick. He ate an apple tag. We were in... We were in Utah and I dared him to eat an apple tag. God bless him. He went through with it, so...

More of a man than I am. Pretty cool. It's just cool to kind of see him just go for it. Oh, my goodness. Laughter went down. Okay. I love it. Casey, welcome to the fold. Uh.

an absolute freak of nature, Luis J. Gomez. I mean, he is Adderall personified. Holy shit, dude. Let me tell you, I don't know Casey. He was at Skank Fest, I believe. I hear so much about you. He was at Kim Fest. He was at Kim Fest, which is the more important festival. I had him first. Doggy, this is my first time actually watching you. You're fucking wild. You're unique. It was so fun, dude. Like, just...

It was almost choreography. I watched you just fucking own these people. They're idiots. But you were fucking really great, dude. You were really great. I'm very impressed with what that was. Oh, thanks, man. They seem really nice. You guys are nice. No, they're fools. In the green room here, there's a...

two televisions that show each of the showrooms and what's going on on the stage. I had Casey do a spot on my late night show, whatever it was, Wednesday or Thursday or whatever this past week. And I'm sitting there next to Ron White and he goes, man, that guy likes to move around a lot on stage, doesn't he?

And I go, cause the sound isn't on. We're listening to music, but you could see people moving and he's flying from one side of this, picking up the mic stand, fucking crap, all this shit. And I go, you've never seen Casey rocket Ron. And he goes, no, what's going on out there? I go, come on. And we showed him from the, uh,

and in about 10 seconds, Ron was fucking choking up tobacco from 1963. It was unbelievable watching his reaction. He got so excited and was laughing so hard. Oh, thanks, man. I actually name-dropped you on Rogan as my favorite comedian. Me too! He's my favorite!

But also, the reason I'm saying that, Casey, the reason I'm saying that is because I got about 50 fucking texts from my closest comedy friends in L.A. They're like, fuck you, dude. You've seen Casey twice. All my openers are like, fuck off, dude. What's with the Casey? But you're the fucking G, dude. I love it. Thank you, man. Yeah, me and Jeff did a show at a Mexican restaurant in L.A. That's my type of gigs. It's just us. There's something wrong with him, but he is the future. Okay.

Like, I'm not kidding. He's the best. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. So nice tonight.

You guys have been so nice. Hell yeah. Hold on. We got to be more mean. Hold on. Give us a few minutes. No, no, no. You don't need to be. The guy's a fucking sensation. We're excited to be working with you. You know, as the show has evolved, when it first started, you know, Kim started, the day that she started doing comedy, she started writing a minute. So it's so fitting that you're even here for the newest regular because the whole thing has evolved to where I'm excited to even have you. Thank you. Thank you. I can't even imagine...

I can't imagine how many fun minutes and how much crazy shit we're slowly going to learn about your life through these interviews. We have a lot to get to. It's exciting stuff. It is exciting. I'm happy to be here. Casey Rocket, class of 2013. So excited. Happy birthday, Santa. I can't say it enough. You're my biggest inspiration. Tony, do you hear Reddit clapping right now? Do you hear all that? No, I don't give a shit.

- I feel like Casey is if AI got wet. - Like sexually wet? - Yeah. - Hold on, I do a good robot voice, hold on. This is AI, just a peek behind the, get ready. I do, this is AI if it was getting really, really wet. All right. Good morning, I'm so horny baby, yeah. Okay, kind of funny.

Oh, yeah. That was the least robotic he's ever been. It sounds really good. It sounds really good. I love it. So, Casey, welcome to The Fold. I'm very excited. How do you feel about opening the show? Excited. Very excited. Thank you. Yeah, this is cool. It's really fun. Yeah, me and William were in Utah all weekend. I get back. I get the call. Walking off Air Force One. Tony calls me. Obama was taking us around to the gig.

It's pretty sweet. Yeah, I get the call. Phone rings. What hurts the most? I'm like, I gotta take this. And William's over there just choking on the Apple tag. So I was like, I'll help you in a minute, but it seems pretty important. And sure enough, it's Tony. He's like, you're up. I'm like, fucking, I'll be there. And William's still on the plane. So God bless. God bless, my man.

Me and William are really good friends. It is true. You guys do the road together. I love it. Very exciting stuff. So you're in, dude. It's going to be you kicking off shows for the foreseeable future. I'm pumped about it. He's in. The future has arrived. Casey Rocket joining the fray here on Kill Tony. Every week.

Amazing stuff. Make some noise for Casey Rocket, everybody. Did you guys have fun tonight? Fuck yeah. Make some noise for our guest, Louis J. Gomez. The Meaty Ogre Tour on sale now. LouisofSkanks.com. Make some noise for the great Jeff Dye, everybody.

JeffDye.com for tour tickets. He's going everywhere every weekend. And her new special Childless MILF is out now. Check it out. The original regular Kim Congdon. Ten and a half years in the game started on Kill Tony. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It's amazing. How about one more time for the best band in the land? Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Woo!

Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and D Madness on the bass. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, William Montgomery. He wasn't even here tonight, but there you go. William Montgomery, that's a sweet one. Chris Rogers art on social media. Guys, check out the Sunset Strip album.

Right next door at sunsetstripatx.com. I love you guys. That's right. The Sunset Shit Comedy Club. Connect Mobile Health, ninjabus.com, Austin Security Guard Service, Yellow Rose, Red Rose, Gel Blaster, CM Smokehouse, and all of our good friends. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

To the O.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.