#651 - ARI SHAFFIR
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock.

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at tonyhinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to sunsetstripatx.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Bay coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclick! Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh? Yeah! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Here we go again. The number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Gel Blaster, The Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hull Law Firm, CM Smokehouse, NinjaBuses.com, and Connect Mobile Health, where you can get an IV drip, fully recover. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? I don't think people know what the fuck they're missing. Kill Tony live, in-house, is just an unbelievable treat. This band fucking rocks. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. Yeah!

Has a brand new single out, 020, the letter 020, the new hit song, Epsilon. The great John Dees on the keys. Check out johndees.bandcamp.com for all of his music. That's D-E-A-S. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. And how loud can this place get for the one, the only, the great and powerful D-motherfucking-madness on the bass? Jesus Christ almighty. Un-effing-believable.

The kids are put to bed. The bongs are bubbling. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

You guys are in for a very special treat. You know, sometimes I have multiple guests on and sometimes it gets a little too fucking busy for my liking. Too many people trying to chime in. The show doesn't get to breathe. Sometimes the people don't know the show that well and they're

doing this and that. This is a special episode because this is a fucking veteran of the Kill Tony guest game coming on solo. He's been stuck with a ton of people on every episode that he's been on recently, and we have him here all by himself. He is truly...

my big brother, one of my favorite mentors in the history of my fucking career, and a man who I love with all of my goddamn heart. Comedy store legend. You know him from all of his hit specials, all of his hit podcasts, one of the funniest human beings on planet Earth, and one of my favorite humans of all time. Let's see how loud this place can get for the one and only Ari Shaffir, everybody. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Let's go. Let's go.

Yes! Oh yeah! Ari Shaffir and his band of minions. Oh my god.

You have the craziest balls of all time. It never gets old. Every time, I'm like, Jesus Christ. Oh, God. Watching them slip back into those pants was the scariest thing. It's like watching a baby be fucking pushed back into the womb or something like that. Seven pounds, eight ounces of nuts. Oh, God.

Holy shit. Oh my God. Was that a yarmulke I saw in one of them? It's unbelievable. You put the men in menorah. Those fucking things are wild, dude. Make some noise for Ari Shaffir, everybody.

Coming in with a fucking bang. We're going to have fun tonight. Good to be back, Tony. Good to be back, Red Band. Good to be back, band. We love you. I've been looking forward to this. You know, ever since, the show's gotten a little bit bigger lately than it was ever before. Yeah, I heard you're doing the Hebrew Center. Yes. Yeah. Madison Square Garden, two nights. You're going to take a tunnel there. Am I correct? That's the Kike Arena. Yeah. From the Hebrew Center to the Kike Arena. Tony, you can do no wrong.

It is unbelievable. And...

I'll dig your route from here to there. I love it. I cannot fucking wait. But, you know, a lot of people, we're at the point now to where a lot of the biggest comedians in the world hit me up and they're like, hey, can I do this show, this and that? And I, like I've been telling you for a month or two, I wanted you to be on fucking solo, just me and you. We'll fucking get into this shit. You know how it works. 219 human beings signed up tonight. Wow. 200.

One just slipped out. We'll let that be the first fucking bucket pool of the night. Is that a real human heavyweight champion of the world? That's a stage name? Okay. You know this for a fact?

Okay. The producers are saying yes. They literally, everybody has to fucking sign a thing. What's the extra chair for? I feel like my step mom is going to show up. I don't know. She's a man. I don't know. Just in case anything crazy happens. Okay. Anything can happen here on Kill Tony. The whole show's improvised and Austin has a lot of rabble rousers running around.

So while they go get the heavyweight champion of the world, let me remind y'all that comedians on this show get 60 seconds. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them and we find out more about them with our esteemed guest, the great and powerful Ari Shaffir. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Yeah!

Well, they're still grabbing the heavyweight champion of the world. He spells it with a D-A? It was D-A. Not a good sign, by the way. It could be a great sign.

But while we grab him, there's only one way to start a show like this with one of our most esteemed regulars. You know, when we found this guy, he was poor, he was selfless, and he was smart. And now he is rich, he has an ego, and he's dumb. You guys know the theme song? Yeah.

This is Howdy Skims! Hey! It's good to be here. I think abortion is pretty cool, you know? Men have been killing things for years. It's time the ladies took a crack at it too. You can start with fetuses, work your way up to Filipinos. I recently went to Louisville. They have an airport there called the Muhammad Ali Airport.

Who doesn't love an airport named after a guy that couldn't stop shaking? Is this turbulence or does this plane have Parkinson's disease? Ever since I got on Kill Tony, I've been doing a lot of 69. That's where I have sex with sixes and I think I'm a nine. All right, that's my time. Thank you.

Okay. 44 seconds from Hans Kim. Coming in a little bit light in the loafers tonight. I like the jokes. I forgot. I thought it was longer. I'm sorry. My timing's a little off. Why do you think your timing is off this week? This week? I don't know. Maybe the girlfriend not being with me anymore. I'm single. You got dumped? Yeah. What? What?

It happened a long time ago, but yeah. You mean two weeks ago? When you told us about it? Yeah. A long time ago? I feel like I've already done the jokes that I've had for that. You guys will have to listen two weeks from now. What is going on right now? Why don't you give us an update, Hans? What's with this outfit, brother? This is... What are you trying to do with your life? Why this whole thing? Besides the shoes.

With the immigration crisis, I thought it'd be good to let these people know which side I'm on. You're on the white side of history. You look like a sales rep for Ping. Is this free clothing or did you buy it? I bought most of this. What didn't you buy? I bought...

Everything but this jacket. This jacket my mom bought me from Korea. Ooh, nice. Okay. Did she just buy you that jacket solo or did it come with a box of other goodies? Just the jacket. I was like, hey mom, I need a jacket. She got it for me. Very nice lady. What's going on in your life that's exciting, Hans? Anything this week?

I've been crushing puss. I met a... Tell us about that. There you go. That's what we like to know about. That's interesting.

This is the first time you've given us an update. This is different than your ex-girlfriend? Yes, this is completely different women. So this is the first... Women? Yes. More than what? Yes. You ever stop and think how lucky you are? Yeah. A lot of people have been reminding me how much I don't deserve it or whatever.

So tell us about the new Poissons. We've been hearing about the same girl for a couple years. This is like all new, right? Yeah, I was in Springfield. This girl had a real strong grip. Gave me a strong gripped hand job. I had to fucking get wrist control, fucking back out. Whoa, look at that. Look at that. And then she tried to finger my butthole.

And I was like, I'm wearing jeans. And then she squeezed my balls and I was like, ouch. Okay. Yeah. And I need to take a walk. I took a little breather. Yep. I have a question. Is that what you call crushing puss?

That seemed more like love on the spectrum. Like really. - Holy shit. At what point did you crush puss, Hans? You got your balls squoze, a finger in your jeans, and a hard hand job.

Where did the puss come into play? I was fingering her the whole time. Wow. Okay. All right. You were crushing puss with your finger. Rock and roll.

Okay. Did you do anything with your penis? Yeah, I got it sucked a little. Was this the same girl? Yes. Springfield, Missouri? Yes. Wow, dude. Very beautiful lady. Was she beautiful? Yes. Okay. All right. You see there, he's got a lot of momentum early on. He gets a little excited with those buttons.

Okay. We went to the Bass Pro Shop. That's the first Bass Pro Shop. It's in Springfield. We went to the aquarium there. You wife-eater? You started going out with this chick? Yeah, that's the only way I can get laid. Nice, bro. You have to hang out with them first. Yeah, a long time. Right. Okay. So it was just one girl? Yeah.

It was her and then the beautiful Angelica. She's here tonight. Oh, she's here. Yes. Okay. What happened with Angelica? She and I had sex yesterday. Wow. Here in Austin. Yes. And this is like a fan of yours, a fan of the show? Yeah. She mentioned me in a story and I was like, holy shit.

That's good enough. And then like... Yeah, you messaged her like, what's up? Yeah, I was like, come on over. She's like, I can't, I can't. And then she did that three times and then the fourth time. She could. Right. Because you, you're very persistent. We know that you have rapey energies. I can't means nothing to you. I can't means ask again.

I have a fridge full of kimchi. Yeah. Grab my dick really hard. Was that the one that grabbed your dick hard? No, she's got a very gentle touch. Okay. Is Angelica just visiting? No, she's moved here from Houston. Wow. Oh, my goodness. You're going to do this again with Angelica? Yeah, hopefully tonight. Wow.

Wow. Where's Angelica at? She's up there in the booth. Okay, you got her a spot on the VIP balcony, huh? Wow. I didn't know that you had access to that part of the guest list. I was actually trying to avoid it. I thought those were my people, but I guess you're squeezing... All they have to do is mention you in their stories, and all of a sudden they're sitting where Elon Musk sits when he comes to a show. That's all it takes. Just DM Hans Kim, everybody.

How is that possible? But you got to skip the aquarium with this one. This was straight to fun, huh? Yeah, no aquarium, just straight to the wet pussy. Angelica, if the place could stay quiet for a second. Angelica, how is Hans in bed? Is she a cat? Is her meow, meow? 10 out of 10? Meow, meow. Meow. Meow. 10 out of 10. She seemed coached on that answer. Yeah. 10 out of 10.

Jesus Christ. Pretty Asian for a Mexican girl. She's Mexican. Oh, she's Mexican? Did you use protection? Nope. Oh, hot. Oh, boy. Big mistake. Oh, shit. Mixing the old beans and rice.

Oh my goodness. Well, we're going to need updates on what happens from here, Hans. Keep us posted on the newborn baby that you're going to have. No protection. Did you pull out? Yes, I pulled out. Okay. Yeah, on her stomach and back. Taking a chance. You might have a fucking, you might have a bow in the oven right now, dude. Nothing on that? That's pretty good. B-A-O? Nothing? Did that not translate? I thought that was good. Okay.

Hans, good job. Great interview, as always. His interviews are unbelievable. He's back, folks. Single Hans is back.

Last week, he was still fucking his ex. When this episode comes out... He was upset about the girl? They just broke up, and he was fucking his ex the whole time. So this is the first time we've heard of Hans getting actual new pussy in forever. Two in a week? What the fuck's happening to society? I'm telling you, dude. These fucking chicks love comedy. The quickest way to a girl's vagina is by making her laugh.

Or having really compelling interviews, it seems. You guys having fun? Well, you know what time it is. He's ready. We're going to meet him all together. I introduced you for the first time on the show, the heavyweight champion of Doe World, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for the first bucket pool of the night. Anything can happen. Make some noise for the heavyweight champion of Doe World.

Oh shit, let's go. A pedophile, a war criminal, and a Jew are digging a tunnel underneath New York City. They all look at each other and say, Mazel Tov. I'm Mexican, if you couldn't tell. If you couldn't tell, you need to step your fucking prejudice game up. I'm one of the good ones, though. I believe we should close the border and build that wall, baby. Uh...

Close that fucking can, that's enough beans. I love being here in Austin. The other day I saw the most perfect woman. She was so beautiful and so stupid. She was like, "I hate white straight men." I was like, "Hell yeah, I wonder how much she hates the gay brown ones." I hate fat people. They're always so excited to see me 'cause they are no longer the fattest person in the room.

That's me. That's my title. Heavyweight champion of the world, baby. Wow. Okay. Well, you got the heavyweight part right. Yes, sir. I love it. Welcome to the show, heavyweight champion of da world. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Off and on 10 years, but started taking it seriously in March. Okay. Why do you look like you're pregnant with triplet stavroses? Well,

Lots of Mexican food. Tortillas, man, from San Antonio. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. I've never seen a lopsided fat before. It is incredible. A little fun fact you guys can't see is a few times he put his arm behind his back while he was performing, and he has an actual shelf back there. Can you show the people? There is a shelf for his arm. That's pretty convenient. I love it. You have a tank top and a tank body.

This is absolutely incredible. You make big pun look small. No doubt about it. What do you do for work, heavyweight champion of the world? I'm a TikToker. TikTok? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Is that the noise your pacemaker makes all the time?

I'm a food blogger on TikTok. A food blogger. Holy shit. Wow. Perfect job. No one more fitting for the job than you. Yeah. It's incredible. Those capris, what would we even call those? Are those shorts? They might be longs. They are wider than they are long. So you make a living doing TikToks? Yeah, mostly. It's probably like 50% of my income. The other 50% is coming from Uber driving.

Uber driving? Yeah. Okay. What kind of car do you Uber in? I got a 2022 Altima. Wow. When someone says, hey, we have four, can we sit one up front? Do you go, no.

No, they can't, but I kind of hate it. Uh-huh. Okay, and what ethnicity are you? I'm Mexican. Step in Prejudice game up. No, I had a feeling. I was just making sure. You could have easily been aggressively Greek or something like that.

Aggressively Greek. I mean... Aggressively? Yeah. That could be. I love it. So you live here in Austin, Texas? No, I live in San Antonio. All right. This is what people, a lot of people from San Antonio look like, by the way, for those of you wondering. I'm the San Antonio mascot. Hell yeah. How's the diabetes? It's not there yet, surprisingly. When's the last time you saw a doctor? Um...

In the summer of last year. And what happened last summer that you went and visited a doctor? One of my friends died in his sleep, so I was like, oh shit. I took that as a warning. Yeah. That's what you needed as a warning. Yeah. It was all going so well. And then my friend suddenly, we lost him. It rocked my world. And I thought, could I also have health problems? Could I also be at risk for completely falling apart? Yeah.

What did the doctor tell you when you were there? I mean, I got all my blood work done. You mean mud work? Shit was coming out thick, dude.

And I mean, yeah, it was like, you need to get healthier or you're going to fucking die. Straight up. What have you done since then to get healthier? Have you lost weight? Have you added weight? What do you think? Yeah, I have lost some weight. I've gained some back over the holidays, but I stopped drinking. What were you drinking before? Beer and tequila, Lone Star. Okay. Screwball peanut butter whiskey. Okay. Hell yeah. Beautiful.

All right. How much do you weigh, buddy? Like 520. 520. Absolutely unbelievable. And when you are sleeping, do you have trouble breathing and stuff like that? No, no, no, no. I'm good. I'll take a nap right now. No, I'm just kidding. Okay. Do you think like food blogging is probably a bad idea, though? I mean, I don't know. Pays the bills. I trust him on it.

If it's diet tips, I would not go for it. Blogging and blobbing. Both of these things. What's your love life like? Is there a... Is there a Mrs. piece of shit? No. No.

What is your love life like, heavyweight champion of the world? It's absolutely messy. I take what I can get. What can you get?

Every single one of them is insane and not on some gaslighting shit. They're all on ketamine and fucking supremely depressed. Okay. But usually they're pretty hot. Where do you meet these ketamine-fueled depressed girls? Dude, San Antonio. They're all in the food service industry. That's a very honest answer.

Honesty goes a long way in these interviews. I mean, it's the ultimate note. You know, the thing to think about. I'm like a D-list celebrity in San Antonio for vlogging. So that goes a long way. Okay. Okay.

Okay. So you take them back to your bed? What kind of bed are we looking at here? I usually take them to a hotel room. Why would you take a girl to a hotel room? My mom's disabled. I take care of my mom, but take care of my mom since I was 12 years old. What's her disability? She's got a fucked up back. She's got like four herniated discs in her neck and then just several other things that stem from there. And you don't?

No, no. I work like 60 hours a week. I'm pretty good. How old are you? 36. Is your mom a big lady too? Yeah, but she got weight loss surgery like two years ago, so she's slimming down. Have you thought about getting the surgery? Yeah, I did. I did think about it. I was going to get it, and then I lost like 30K in crypto. Oh, crypto. I thought he was going to say 30 kilos. Yeah.

Wow. So the crypto market is the reason why you're not getting the surgery? Yeah, basically. Okay. To the ground. That's a crypto. He's trying to do a crypto joke. Wow. Okay. So how much do you need for this surgery? Do you know? Last time I checked, I went in the summer to 16K.

16K? 16,000. That doesn't seem like that much. That's how much it is? Yeah, but I can't get a loan on it and I don't have health insurance. Why don't we do something fun? Why don't we, when this episode comes out... Who from the audience would like to give $16,000 to... Anybody? Anybody?

No. Wait, so what were you going to say, though? I think that you should do a fucking GoFundMe and when this episode comes out, we'll funnel people to it and maybe it'll change it. You don't have long to live. I know, I know.

I don't know how direct your doctor was to you. Sudden death, he said. Yeah. Verbatim. Yeah, there's no doubt about it. You have like fucking minutes, dude. It's actually, you might not make it to the episode release. We're like two or three weeks behind. We'll put it in the link on the YouTube, so right below. If you make it, it's going to be done. I guarantee you we raised enough money for you to have this surgery. One penny a person. We'll get you there. Yeah, yeah.

But you have to fucking, you have to spend it on the surgery. No doubt about it, man. I take care of my mom. I work so much. But if you raise $70,000, you could use leftovers for tacos. I love it. Well, there you go. We're going to try to raise money for you to get surgery because 520 pounds is absolutely butt-fucking crazy. You're not wrong, brother. We're going to try to make you the middleweight champion of the world. I'm down, baby.

All right, there he goes. Heavyweight champion of the world. Here's a medium-sized joke book. There you go. Boom. Right in the middle of his tits. Absolutely nailed it. Welcome to another round of Drawing Board or Miro Board. Today we discuss technical diagramming with systems architect Maya. Let's go. First question. You've spent 10 hours slogging over a sequence diagram that should have taken five. Drawing Board or Miro Board? Drawing Board.

And if I'm being honest, Miro would probably cut that time down by half. You know, with its AI tools and ready-to-go templates. Next, your diagrams become so bulky, it's more complex than the solar system. But all it takes is a few clicks and... It's Miro. I've used those technical shape packs way too many times. Now, the final question. Everyone's brought in, but you have to make all these tasks all the time.

Get started today at M-I-R-O dot com slash diagram now.

All right, let's keep it moving along. Your next comedian goes by the name of Wayne McCracken. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Wayne McCracken, live here on Kill Tony. Here he is. Make some noise for Wayne, everybody. Oh, what's up, Texas? All right. A little bit about myself. I am not what you would call an educated person. That's right. Now, I don't think that means I'm retarded.

Is the thing. Here's the thing. What is not retarded about me is the fact that I think evolution is real. Do we believe in evolution in this room? No? You don't think it's a real thing? Here's what I'll say. I don't think it explains the human condition. I don't know how Homo sapiens somehow finagled their way to the top of the food chain when they're prone to things like scoliosis and sunburns. Seems a little off.

But I will tell you this, this is how I know evolution is real. I've got one buddy, he was born with a vestigial tail, right? You know what his girlfriend calls it? The big one. That's not even the worst one. I have another friend that was recently diagnosed with super gonorrhea, a very unfortunate diagnosis. This poor asshole didn't just get the clap, he got a standing ovation, you know what I'm saying?

Rawr. Okay. Wayne McCracken absolutely flatlining up here. Wow. I mean, that was... Goddamn. That was about as bad as it gets, Wayne. That's about it. Oh, the encouragement tone. You know what sucks I forgot about? Huh? I'm on stage looking at no laughter, so I'm also affected. Yeah.

We are not used to that. I feel bad. We worked long and hard to never have that feeling. That's why I don't ever look them directly in the eyes when somebody's bombing that hard. I don't want to see what...

It hurt. It hurt me too. No, no, no. It didn't. You're having literally the best time of your life right now. Here's the thing. I'm really not. I did too many drugs this afternoon. You're blaming it on the drugs, huh? It's my escape route. Do you think that that material would have gone differently if you did no drugs? Did you change your set list after doing the drugs? Or you think your delivery was affected?

All of the above. All of the above. You changed your set list after doing drugs? No, here's the real deal. I just got here from Colorado. I got in 36 hours ago. I'm operating on eight hours of sleep. Once again, not an excuse. We are all operating off of eight hours of sleep, by the way. That's a good point. That's an excellent point. It's an incredible

amount of sleep. I landed from Seattle, which is farther than Colorado, less than 36 hours ago, and I got less than eight hours of sleep, and I'm up here for two hours hosting a show. I think that's why you're a professional, and I'm not. Okay. You suck, Wayne. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Wayne?

Tony, I've been doing it for four and a half years. Oh my God. And that was your best minute that you could come up with here on the biggest platform for stand-up comedians in the world? I knew I shouldn't have signed up. I'm not in the mood. You're not in the mood? You just went out in front of a million people. A million people.

This is unbelievable. This is what I deserve, actually. We're running on limited time. Stop rambling into the microphone. Give us a redeeming quality about you. The entire room is against you right now. You're filled with nothing but excuses and punchline-less material. Give us something that we would like about you, Wayne McCracken. You have your entire life to reference here. How old are you?

32 years of life story. This is your chance right now to turn this whole thing around. Tell us something interesting about you right now. Go. I am a pedicabber. I was in Vegas where I would kidnap people and put them on my cab and extort them for money when I got off of them.

Here is the world's tiniest joke book that we've ever given out. This has been In Case of Emergency, Break Glass. Look how small that is. Just for those of you that might not know, this is a normal-sized small joke book. That is that size joke book. It has a sad face on the back of it and a KT on the front. This is a medium-sized joke book.

And this is a big-sized joke book. Red Band, we got the lighter reference. Very good. This is a big joke book. This is the size that you're getting. Wayne, may I recommend... What do you do for a living? Can I try to catch him? I'm a pedicabber. What do you do for a living? You're a pedicabber professionally. Have you ever had brain trauma or anything like that? Yeah, when I was a kid, for sure. What happened? Football. Sure. Okay, what was the drugs that you did earlier? And snowboarding and skateboarding. What was the drugs that you did earlier?

weed, cocaine, and voodoo rangers, also known as the heroin of beers. You did cocaine? Did you bring it from Colorado with you or you got it on the streets here? The closer you get to the border, the better it gets. It's here now. Cocaine is here in Austin. Right. So you got it here in the last 36 hours. Yeah. That's pretty cool. You're a resourceful. I know penny cappers. Okay. The world's smallest joke book. You going to catch it? We're going to see if you can catch it. It would be the only thing that you've accomplished. My only redeeming quality might have...

He used his chest, though. Tony, I will try to do better next time. Stop talking. You suck. There will be no next time, Wayne McCracken. He's blacklisted. It's been a long time since I've done it. You're blacklisted. Go. Back to obscurity you go. We have no room for people like this. The blacklisting is back on Kill Tony. Wow.

All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Frankie Ryan. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Frankie Ryan. Here we go. Make some noise for Frankie, everybody. How we doing? How we doing, man? I'm so excited to be here tonight. I decided to wear what we call a woo-hoo shirt. You know what a woo-hoo shirt is? Woo-hoo shirt.

Now I'm on the apps and most of the time when I say apps, people think I'm talking about appetizers, but I'm talking about Tinder, Hinge, Bumble for this guy, Grindr. I matched with this girl and she told me that she was a vegan, so as you can tell, we didn't have too much in common. We decided to go out for drinks and not dinner because there was no way I was gonna pay for like rabbit food, you know?

Drinks went well, we head back to my place, things start getting hot and heavy, and like the gentleman I am, I drop my hand down low. She goes, "I'm sorry, I'm on my period." I said, "Don't worry, baby, I eat my steak with a little bit of blood in it." She wasn't having it. After a minute, you know, it started going back towards me. She started fighting the one-eyed champion, you know, jerking the gherkin. I said, "Baby, I'm sorry, you're gonna have to put your mouth on it." She goes, "Excuse me? You think a vegan would put meat in her mouth?"

I said, "How else does a vegan girl get down?" She put my legs behind my head and started tossing my salad. Thank you. - Wow. That's a lot of salad.

It's one of those Olive Garden never-ending salad bowls right there. There's a few croutons in that salad, I'm guessing. Croutons. Croutons. Oh, my goodness gracious. How we doing? Frankie, welcome to the show. Thank you. I can't tell whether you're hilarious or just going up after fucking Wayne McCracken makes anybody funny.

No, I was back there and that guy fucking sucked. I'm probably not that funny. I love it. I love it. You actually look like if the first two comedians made a baby together. It's incredible. You're the heavyweight champion of McCracken world.

My goodness, this is incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two years. Two years. Where at? Orlando, Florida. Orlando, Florida. And you're just visiting Austin? Yes, sir. Okay. When did you get here? I got here last Sunday. The goal was to stay for two opportunities to get on this show. And you signed up last week. It didn't happen, and here you are. Here we are, baby. When do you go back to Orlando? Tomorrow? Tomorrow.

Yeah, I leave at like, I was planning on leaving at like three o'clock in the morning tomorrow. You're driving. Yeah, I'm supposed to like work on Wednesday. What do you do for work? That's probably not happening. I sell like RVs and boats and shit. Okay. Yeah, you look like you would do that. Thank you. Thank you.

He's pretty good on stage. He has a delivery style. You can tell he's done it a bunch. Yeah. Thank you. You work hard at it, huh? I practice a lot in the car, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I don't like open mics because I feel like good jokes bomb no matter what at shitty open mics. But hey, shows, I fucking love it, man. You ever take someone out to international waters where there's no laws and just do whatever the fuck you want to them? Yeah.

Like torture them with my comedy? No, sir. I have not. I love it. Damn, there's a lot of people in here, dude. Yeah, there's a lot more than you can fit in your car. That's for goddamn sure. That's true.

Okay, so Frankie, what else are you into other than stand-up comedy and slinging boats and RVs? I'm a degenerate gambler. Ooh, okay. Yeah, we were playing card games over there or wherever the fuck it was. You bet on sports? Yeah. Well, I don't know if you know this, but right now I've partnered up with DraftKings and Super Bowl 58.

is right around the corner and if you bet $5 you get $200 they match your bet up to $200 all you have to do is download the DraftKings Sports app and use the promo code Tony there we go I'll write it down coincidence yeah what a crazy coincidence yeah that he gambles and you have that promo code that is nuts yeah that's crazy I just made enough money to get lap band surgery for the heavyweight champion of the world right then in that very moment that's how amazing it is

I love it. What's your poison? How do you get to be that big? If it wasn't for the heavyweight champion of the world, you'd be the biggest guy we've had on this show in a long time. Yeah, I like to tell people it's probably drinking, but it's fucking McChickens, dude. McChickens?

Yeah, man. It's such a fucking deal. You can go to Chick-fil-A and get one chicken sandwich or $4 gets you four McChickens. Right. Yeah. Right. What do you think? Do you think that it's actual chicken? No. Right. No, if it was actual chicken, I wouldn't look that bad, dude. Right.

Chicken is a healthier meat. Jesus. Do you call all chicken sandwiches McChickens, by the way? No, just the McDonald one, dude. I'm class. Yeah, but you said Chick-fil-A. Well, he was comparing the prices of the two. Yeah, I was still... I'm buying on a budget, you know? Right. Right. You don't go Chick-fil-A at all. Hey, Tony. No, I mean... Yeah. The black guys behind us are really murmuring at this chicken talk. Yeah, what's going on back here? You guys...

You say chicken three times, D Madness and John D start arguing over nothing. What's going on back here? Matt's in it too? What, is he the one that eats the white bread for you guys? Ari, you had a question or something? No, wait. Oh, I'm confused. I'm spun around. Do you have any special skills or talents, Frankie?

No, I just show them my belly. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that was pretty good though. Yeah, I try to do that to get a pop and then right off of that, yeah. Uh-huh. Special talents, no. What's your love life like, Frankie? Who are you? You got there, Brittany?

breaking beds? I actually built a mega bed. Would you like to hear about it? Yes. My girlfriend moved in with me and I have an adjustable base frame queen. The king bed is way too expensive to buy. Obviously, I'm not sharing a bed with another person on a queen. I strapped her bed to my bed. Hold on, Ari, go ahead. Because you're fat?

You're fast with it, dude. Yeah. Fuck. So you're not sharing a bed. Keep going. So I strapped her bed to my bed and they don't come apart. You strapped it? Strapped it like fucking So it's a king and a queen wrapped together. No, no, no. It's a queen and a fool. Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a mega bed. It's a mega bed, man. Such a cool name. We were expecting you to actually build something. You just strapped a couple fucking beds together. I thought it was pretty innovative. Yeah. I like it. Two kings would be cool, though. Yeah, I just don't have the room for it. I don't know if I told you, but I budget for McChickens. So my room's not that big.

He is loving it. It is incredible. Wow. Unbelievable stuff. Frankie, I like your style. You're getting a big joke book here. Thank you.

Gonna catch it? Boom. There he goes, Frankie Ryan, everybody. Okay, yeah, let's do it. Now's that time where we go to one of our most unbelievable regulars in the history of the show. I mean, this guy's literally fucking unbelievable. On the road, he's absolutely killing, coming off of...

Four sold-out theaters with me this weekend. Just got invited to open up for Bird in some giant venues. Just opened up for Shane Gillis. Headlining on his own, a fucking freak of nature. I present to you a brand new minute from the great Cam Patterson. So, me being on this show is like really dope. It's the coolest shit that ever happened to me in my life. But I think some of the wrong people saw the rock shit. All right.

'Cause where I'm from, all my homeboys had no idea what I was into in life. Now they see me talk about my life experiences every week, you know what I'm saying? And I went back home for the first time a couple weeks ago, and my dog saw me, he was like, "Hey man, I love you on that kid Tony show that shit hard, bro. Like, watch what you doing shit, bro." I had no idea. You was a real weirdo. You like a whole bunch of weird ass shit, goof ass nigga. And like I told y'all, he a real fan. He like really enjoyed the show. So when I repeated the joke on accident,

He called me. He was like, you were peeing jokes, old dumbass fuck nigga. He was mad at me, right? He was mad as shit. And I was like, yeah, you know, I ain't mean until it was action. He said, I know you were peeing jokes. You were peeing the third grade. You just a retarded ass nigga. That was my time.

I love it. 59 seconds right on the fucking dot for Cam Patterson. Embracing the repeating of a joke. Their shirt says, The Adventures of Cam Ra-Peterson. Yeah, I be reading the comments when I shouldn't, and they got me. That shit was funny, dog. The Ra-Peterson shit is very funny. Whoever came up with that, I owe you money, but fuck you, I'll kill your mom.

I kill your mother, bitch. So much fun. I cannot explain to you guys. You know, I've been doing the fucking road for basically 17 years and you might be one of the most fun people to go out there with. All we do is laugh and fucking have so much fun.

And one of the most amazing things about Cam, and it is getting bigger and better, this man that you're looking at is by far the biggest marketing genius I've ever been around in the history of stand-up comedy. Ari, are you ready for this? Because you, our senior Jewish correspondent, are going to... Your mind is about to fucking be blown. So, Breaking Jews. Um...

This is unbelievable. What is it? I'm about to make you hard as a rock. You ready? Profit margin. Here we go.

First of all, his father meets us in whatever city we land in, right? He goes to Home Depot that day, buys about, what, $7? It turns out for a giant, never-ending bag of rocks, it's about like $7. It's like garden rocks. $8.25. $8.25 for a massive, massive bag of rocks. You see what I'm getting at? No fucking way. Dude.

That is so fucking smart. It's unbelievable. So the people... How much each? Wow. Wow.

And he sells out in every city. So instead of lugging extra rocks to the next city and getting on a flight with a bag of rocks like a fucking psychopath, he has one duffel bag with his shit in it and a giant plastic case that is a motherfucking credit card machine. So he's just ka-chank.

Literally the largest profit margin. He might make more on merch than fucking Kevin Hart and Bert Kreischer combined. Literally slinging rocks. You can take the man out of the hood, but you cannot take the hood out of the man. You gotta flip it, baby.

Come on, man. It is unbelievable. So the next city, they land in another city. The dad goes to Home Depot, buys 825 worth of rocks. They fucking sell. I mean, it must be, I don't know. It's a fucking lot of rocks, though. It's a lot. He got little baggies and shit with stickers on them. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

and they have it down to a fucking science he probably makes more money than i do doing sold-out theaters at the end of the day he's got a fucking credit card machine yeah life got better thank you it's unbelievable you are a fucking genius it doesn't make sense but in every way creating marketing fucking profiting every single thing you're doing absolutely correctly it doesn't make sense you are supposed to be like

ghetto. You're supposed to be like, I don't know. Where's this business at? You're supposed to be slinging dope rocks. Yeah, I'd be thinking of it, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. All that shit I wasn't good at turned into something that I could, you know what I'm saying, really good at and make positive net worth. You feel what I'm talking about? God damn it. Look at that. Look at that. Positive net worth. I know words like that. I know words like that. Net worth, listen. Net worth. Net worth.

Yes, this is the life of Cam Patterson. - Cam, did you switch your sweatpants before you got on stage? - Yeah, I did. - I thought so. - Yeah, I had gray ones on earlier. - You had gray sweatpants on? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody gonna look at my dick print. I didn't want that to happen, so I decided I put on regular sweatpants. - We saw Ari's dick print when he came out. Pretty incredible.

Pretty in... I'm going to have trouble getting over this rock situation. It's crazy. That's great. If the IRS is listening, he lied about everything. Tax free.

Cam, you're a fucking murderer. You did it again. I love it. You're rolling with the fucking punches in every single fucking way. Thank you. You know the funniest shit? Yeah. My dad, the first person that called me back to repeat the joke, he said, you repeated the joke. And I was like, no, they said, you repeated the joke, nigga. You did it. That was it. That's what my dad says to me, too. Yeah.

I love it. You know, most people in your situation don't have a dad calling them at all. So you're very lucky. Very lucky. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, the cold-blooded assassin. Cam the Repeater Patterson. There he goes.

On to the next one. Out of the bucket. Again, as you've seen, anything can happen with these bucket pulls. Make some noise for Robert Lee, everybody. Robert Lee. Here he is. What's going on, y'all? Y'all having a good night, mothership? Good, because I've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty. And if you haven't got your 6400 from the government, what are you doing? Ha ha.

Love impressions, yo. Hey, we got any Taylor Swift fans in here? Yeah, any? I'm almost positive she already has a song that rhymes Travis Kelce, Something Else, NFL in the Middle, CTE, and Remember Me, you know? I can't wait for her to just date a black guy so she could just come out with a mad rap album or something. Somehow she's able to rhyme the word trigger, you know? Hey, that's her, not me.

I love my wife, been with her for 12 years. But we're not traditional Mexicans, 'cause obviously we don't have kids. But the thing is, is you know we're Christians, not Catholics. We don't breed as fast, you know? So, thank you, I've been robbed. - Holy shit, man, wow. God damn, Robert Lee, welcome, welcome. - Why the Schwarzenegger is selling cars? I don't understand.

Of all the places to put him into, why would it be a car? - It's my favorite guy, I love that shit. - And why do Christians not make babies like Catholics? I'm confused at that too. - Oh, Catholic Christians, I mean Catholics versus Christians, they breed faster and they touch little boys, so I just thought it would get across. - Nope. Nope. - Uh oh. - Your jokes about Christianity, Catholicism did not get across.

So, Robert Lee, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About six months, actually. Six months? Yes, sir. Where at? Just San Antonio, doing some bars and clubs, wherever I can get in. You feel good after you do it? Well, sometimes. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. It's a lot of minutes among minutes. It's one of those jokes in that minute that you do that gets laughs? Yes.

Well, it gets attention, and then I try, you know, it gets loud. Attention? You mean they're paying attention to you when you're doing it? Yeah, well, most of the time it's loud crowds, loud bars, so I try to be as louder than them to get their attention first, and then, you know, see if I can push forward from there. Okay, okay. Ari likes you. Doesn't always win. Ari likes you because it appears that you're wearing an extra, a mega yarmulke. Yeah.

It's a hat that's too small for me. It's a hat too small for my head. Is that a Toyota hat? Yeah, my wife used to work for Toyota for a while. She used to be a mechanic. Or she is, but used to work for Toyota. Your wife's a mechanic? Yes, sir. That's hilarious. She should fix that act. At least I don't have to get out of the car to change the tire no more, man. I'm the pretty one. You're the pretty one? I hope so. Oh, fuck. Fuck.

Oh my God. Okay. How devastated would he be if his wife left him for the heavyweight champion? Could happen. Hey, that dude lived up to his name. After he gets that surgery, dude, he might fucking be balling out of control. Robert, what's the greatest quality about you?

I mean, not to be gay, but I love the fuck out of my wife and all my family. Like, shit, I'm the most loyal person you actually fucking meet. Well, it's easy to be loyal when absolutely nobody wants to fuck you, isn't it? Well, you know, I had my time, but I met my wife young. Yeah, we've been married for, like I said, like 12 years. How old are you now? 30.

So 18, damn. Yeah, so... Have you ever fucked anybody other than your wife? High school, some college, I mean... Also some cheating here and there, right? You can cut this part out. There's a couple months we don't talk about in there, but it's all right.

Okay. What are those couple months? Yeah. I love to talk about it. Like the beginning. Just the beginning. You were goofing around a little bit? I was goofing. I found out she goofed after. I took it harder than her, obviously. Wow. I doubt that. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, Robert. Any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? You know, I play a lot of Yu-Gi-Oh. You play a lot of what? Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, flag football. Oh, shit. Here's a little joke book. I got to get you out of here, dude. There he goes, Robert Lee. There he goes. Get out of here, Robert. Jesus Christ.

Oh my God. Why did Yu-Gi-Oh get a massive boo? What? Why did Yu-Gi-Oh get a massive boo? I don't know. These people don't fuck around, dude. These people do not fuck around. How many of you like it when people do good on this show? How many of you like it when people do bad on this show? You must be having the time of your life tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Sean Stewart, everybody.

the Kill Tony debut, I do believe, of Sean Stewart. Howdy, y'all. So I'm from Austin, but when I grew up here, I consider myself somewhat of a pacifist. And I think that's 'cause when I grew up, I was somewhat of a fat ass. But either way, I was never much of a fighter. In fact, my record's one and one. But I saw recently the kid that kicked my ass back in middle school had made it onto the news recently.

Had a whole article written about him. Got hit by a fucking train. That shit was bittersweet. Because the best part, I can talk all the shit I want now. The worst part, probably his fucking funeral. Had to be a closed casket. Broke up with my ex after she got hit by a train also. Woo!

A black train? Okay. Sean Stewart. All right. That was the worst episode of Prairie Hulk companion. Howdy, y'all.

Here we go. So believe it or not, that wasn't the worst set of the night. Good news for you, Sean Stewart. It was fucking terrible, but not even the second worst set of the night. But it wasn't even like there were jokes that didn't hit.

They just weren't, it just wasn't jokes. Right. Literally not a joke. There was an attempt at a joke, kind of, with the black train, but it wasn't really like... It was like the cliff notes of his therapy. Yeah. I can talk all the shit I want now. I always thought it was kind of funny. I mean, it actually happened.

Uh-huh. That's cool. That's fun. Okay, how long have you been doing stand-up? About three, four months now. Three or four months. Where at? Only here in Austin. Okay, what made you want to start stand-up three or four months ago? Mainly the show. I kind of thought comedy was dead after 2016 and that whole Trump era. You thought comedy was dead? Well, I thought you can't really make jokes making fun of dead people that got hit by trains really anymore. And you said, I also won't?

No, and then I kind of... So I saw I killed Tony and kind of like edgy, making fun of people jokes coming back and I was like, all right, well, I guess I'm a bully, so...

Okay, are you a bully? I've been on both sides when I grew up. I got bullied and I bullied, so I think it's like even. Who do you bully? Bullied like the Minecraft kids in middle school. Ah, how about Yu-Gi? Yu-Yo. No, Yu-Gi-Oh was cool in like elementary school. Oh shit, here we go. Here we go.

You're getting booed, Sean. This is a ruckus of a crowd tonight. Double middle fingers from some guy wearing a Yankees hat. Sean, over here. Don't bully him. Don't bully him. This guy's demeanor is something I've never seen it before. He's very comfortable. It's not that I'm just up here doing nothing. It's that also, oftentimes, not all of them are coming here and doing nothing. I thought, why not come to do nothing for you people?

I'm just gonna say racist jokes like Ari Shaffir. He doesn't just do racist jokes. That's not even true. Oh, another booing. Sean, give us a redeeming quality about you. What's gonna make the room like you right now? Um, I like rock climbing. Oh, Jesus. About two years ago, I started going back to church.

You go to church every Sunday? I kind of stopped when I got a girlfriend. Okay. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. God gave you a girlfriend and you stopped going to church. No, she wasn't from the church, actually. Huh? She wasn't from the church. Right. But I mainly started going to church because, like, I was out on 6th Street after getting broken up with. And my buddy was like, Sean, you don't want to meet a girl out here. Come to church with me. And so I started going to church for two years. Wow. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Sean. Sean. What are you afraid of? Um... Blacks. Okay. There he goes. There he goes. Sean Stewart. We're going to keep it moving. We're going to fly through a lot of people here tonight. What the fuck is going on back there? Okay. Go, Peter!

Okay. How about a hand for John Deese, everybody? Okay. We're going to get back to this bucket pool bullshit in a second. These guys have been unbelievably bad today. Yeah, it is incredible.

This next comedian is neither a regular nor a golden ticket winner. He is either despised or loved by the Kill Tony fan base. I like to give him a spot every once in a great while because he's so funny offstage. And lately, slowly, we have been watching him transition into being able to be funnier onstage. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, a brand new minute from the one and only Uncle Lazer.

Are we sure almond milk ain't making everybody trans? Right? We used to have a hole in 2%. Everybody had strong bones and we had regular gays. And boy, they're getting hard to spot, aren't they? I'm messaging back and forth to this girl from Miami, right, what I thought was a girl. You know, she said, "Hey, I do the OnlyFans. "See some of my content now." I said, "Oh, come on." Right?

She didn't send it to me. The next morning, she sent me a text saying, "Oh shit, I did not send that to Uncle Ledger. "I sent that to my Uncle Mike." I said, "Thanksgivin's gonna be weird, no?" She then, she goes, I was like, "But you know, your parents know you do The OnlyFans, "so you should be all right." She goes, "Yeah, but they don't know I transitioned." And I said, "What do you mean?" Like, anally to vaginally? Like, what are you talking about? She said, "Oh, you didn't read my bio?" I said, "Bitch, I don't fuckin' read."

but we'll see. Uncle Lazer with a new minute. A few jokes peppered in there. I almost don't recognize the show with jokes. It's been such a crazy night.

A lot of fucking bombardiers up here. I was like, if I can't follow that, I need to just go fucking sit on it. You know what I'm saying? If I can't beat that, I just need to kill myself, sit out in traffic. Right. Absolutely. What is that thing you keep doing with your tongue? What's going on there? You become more lizard-like every time you come on the show.

Well, I seen Ari's nuts up there and let me tell you what. Uh-oh, look at that. It's a real sauerkraut of a situation for a Jewish man down there, you know what I'm talking about? Uh-oh. He keeps that motherfucking thing on him. Oh, my God. Uncle Lizard is here. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. Incredible.

Has a doctor ever told you what's going on with that testicle? It's got Skittles in it. Look at it. It's got Skittles in it. That ball is shaped like the heavyweight champion of the world. It's got shelves. There's veins. Oh, my God. Don't pull on them like that. Why are you so rough with it? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

The most sold out show in comedy, and this is what goes on at it. We'll be right back. D Madness just said he's glad he's blind. Yeah. Like big time right now. D Madness has no idea what's going on right now whatsoever. Right now.

But he knows that something is not right. He can suspect. I do believe there's a smell or something that perhaps he picks up on. A certain energy. The balls are in your leg. Watch out. Okay, Red Band. Red Band. Very good, Red Band. The one drops the balls like Red Band. So, Uncle Lazer, here we are. Good almond milk joke, though. That was great. Thanks, man. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, you're doing it, dude. It's very impressive. You're out on the road doing a lot of shows and coming up with new material. And it's fun to have you come on and show everybody what's up. You are a, you know, a lot of people early on, they're like, oh, that's Tony's buddy. What's going on? He just seems like a character, this and that. And you're kind of fulfilling this prophecy that I wanted people to see of what happens when somebody with a good stage presence and a good performer energy gets better at

at writing and performing stand-up comedy, and you're a prime example of that. Because those early minutes, early on, I mean, holy shit. Holy shit. And you didn't use your drug use as an excuse like some people did here tonight. You know, you were just doing drugs and bombing, but you didn't have excuses. You worked at it, and here you are, a good new minute, rock fucking solid. How about a hand for Uncle Lazer, everybody? Thank you, guys. Uncle Lazer.

Balls to the walls. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's been a rough bucket night, but according to you guys, you guys like to watch people struggle up here. Make some noise for Dustin Horton, everyone. There he is. I'm a firm believer that the pain that we go through in life and the trauma that we endure ultimately defines us as people. That being said...

I've been to state prison. I've lost a father to suicide. I've overcome drug addiction. I've also had a cucumber up my ass. I'll let you all decide which was the most traumatic to me. No, I didn't need to go to prison to get raped. No, I just need a little bit of molly, a decent buzz, a dominating girlfriend. And clearly I'm a willing participant.

But the pain that my asshole endured during that experience, it was nothing compared to the look on the neighbor's kids' faces when they came out to go to school that morning. And they see me getting pegged with produce in the hot tub. That's gonna stick with both of us for life. I promise. Anyways.

Jesus fucking Christ, man. What the fuck is going on tonight? This is incredible. Are you crying? What's going on? Talk into the microphone. How long have you been trying stand-up comedy? This is my fifth set. Your fifth set. Were the other ones in front of human beings or are you a car guy?

The last one was actually at the mothership about an hour ago. Okay, you got on the open mic here. Yes. Randomly selected. Correct. And how did that go? It went well, actually. Really? Fucking way. Really? What did you do there? What did you talk about? Was it that minute? It was that mixed with another minute about a broken leg and shit in my pants. Was the other minute the part that was funny? Right.

Did you do the unfunny minute here, or was that the funniest minute out of the three minutes that you did in the other room? Were you getting both these together for your big road, too? I think I just tried to combine them and do the best I could with the experience that I have. How old are you? I'm 37. And you're just starting stand-up now. What made you want to start this now? This cocktail of trauma that I've had in my life. Tell us about the trauma. Tell us. Tell us. We want to fucking hear it. I want to hear about your dad.

You want to hear about my dad? Three years ago, he blew his brains out high on crystal meth. Okay. Did he leave a note? He did not leave a note, no. He did not leave a note. And the autopsy said he was on crystal meth, or are you just guessing? We were told by neighbors. You were told by neighbors that he was on crystal meth? I didn't live anywhere near him. Did you communicate with him at all before his death? Not as much as I should have, no. You feel a little bit of regret?

Yeah, definitely. We have good news for you. Here on the line, we can communicate directly with people that are in hell. Here we go. Hold on a second. Let it ring again. Okay, here we are. We're through. We've gotten through on the hell line. Speak to your father. Speak to him. Hey, Dad. How's it going? Good.

That's what you wanted to ask your dead father? Who's in hell? How's it going? What the fuck were you thinking? What the fuck were you thinking? Okay, let's see if he has an answer for that. Let's see what we got here. Hold on a second. Yes. Oh, wait. That's Satan trying to interrupt. Hold on a second. Okay. Well...

It's not working. The communication isn't working with your father. It never did. I think he killed himself again. There you go. Okay, tell us about real trauma. Your dad that you didn't even talk to blowing his brains out. That could be your fault, by the way, for not reaching out. Yeah. Where's the rest of that meth? You kind of caused that yourself. It wasn't the crystal meth. It was your lack of communication. What did you go to state prison for? Yeah, that's a good one. Ooh. Yeah.

So me and a group of friends actually stole lobster. Really enunciate into that microphone. Me and a group of friends actually stole lobster and beer from a restaurant near my house. Lobster and beer? No, that's not state prison. You're not black. That's not state prison. I'm dead serious. I'm dead serious. I got two to six years with a boot camp. For lobster and beer? How much fucking lobster and beer did you steal? We robbed a restaurant across from my house. It was during...

A night time when there was nobody there, I got charged with a Class D felony in the state of New York, and I did a two to six year sentence. You did a what? Two to six year sentence. How long did you serve? I went into this boot camp program, so I got sent to this prison boot camp, basically, for nine months. For lobster and beer, where did your friends get it?

Well, most of them got six months, five years probation because they finally snitched. I don't believe it. It seems like there's something more to it. Lobster and beer. He stole a lot of lobster and beer is what he's saying. How much lobster did you steal? And how were they able to find you? They caught us because the restaurant came to rape a waitress while we were there as well. Oh, I should have mentioned the rape. Yeah, now that I think about it, that might have been associated with the sex. Restaurant beer is...

Okay. How did they find you? The cartons of fucking restaurant beer. Followed a trail of butter back to his house. How did they find you? The cartons of restaurant beer boxes that were outside of our garbage. Like, it was a party scene for a week after that. Oh my God. Just drinking restaurant beer. The cops were able to track it down because you left it outside? Easily, because it was a block away from my house.

Oh, you're so stupid. I was 19. Unbelievable. How old are you now? 37. 37. My, how the time flies. Okay, tell us more about this trauma, supposedly. What do you do for work? Currently bartend. Okay. Tell us more about why you think you ended up this way. Because you look like you could be the CEO of a company and you're just fucking kind of like having a day off. You're having a good old time.

But on the inside, there's none of that going on. No, there's a lot of fucking, a lot of shit going on inside. It's like when somebody puts one of those Mercedes bodies over an Elantra or something like that. Yeah. You're also, you're homosexual, correct? I am not, no. No? You sure? How about in boot camp? Did you come out of your shell? No, sir. No cracking any claws out there? No.

No, I'm very straight. How straight are you? Explain to us the straightest thing you've ever done before. Not that easy of a question for a gay man, is it?

I've just never even thought about that question. It's time to start thinking about it, buddy. Yep, now's the time. I only say it because you're definitely a homosexual. Yeah, yeah. One second you're shoving lobster up your ass and the next you're trying to figure out what's straight about you.

Your father actually, you know, knew you were a homosexual. That's probably why. That's why he started the meth addiction, kept it a secret, just like you kept your sexuality a secret. And he also blew and gave head, like you do, right at the very end. He gave head to the wall that was behind him. Jesus Christ. Thank you.

- Oh, too sad. Oh, what fucking show do you think you came to? He's having fun, he's smiling by the way. You know, these fucking people. Oh, you went too hard on him. You're having a good time right now, right? - I'm so happy to be here. - This is one of the best times of your life right now. - Fuck yeah. - Okay, straightest thing you've ever done. - Fuck three girls in one day. - Whoa, fuck three girls in one day. That's separate.

In high school, yeah. Wow, look at that. My goodness, your dad would have been proud if he knew. It's a real Liberace move, if you ask me. Yeah, what a fag. Okay. Do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? Which, you don't have that either, but go ahead.

- I'm a picture framer. - You've put the frames on pictures. Oh, the crowd is turning on you. They do not like picture frames. - Well, that's spoken. - All right, here's a little joke book, my friend. Congratulations.

Our next bucket pool is from the inside. I'm going to say now to give him some time, make some noise for Colin Herkler. Horkler. Horchler. Colin with a K. K-O-L-L-I-N. Oh, here he is right here. Okay. Easy breezy. This is one of your people. So they're representing you. Tonight's audience. Colin Herkler. Horkler or something. Yeah.

Here he is. Make some noise for Colin, everybody. Hi there. I want to let you know I just ended my weight loss journey. Turns out, I know I look like Osama Ben-Eaten, but turns out I'm going to be ugly either way. I'm skinny or fat, so may as well enjoy it. A little bit about my family. My little brother is a corrections officer. Just got accepted into the police academy.

And we're having dinner the other night and he's telling me about it and so proud of him. He's doing it, he's living his dream. But in my other hand is the money I'm using to buy the drugs he steals off inmates. So, my sister is an alcoholic postal worker with access to firearms. There's no punchline, it's our family's cry for help. Her story's not over but it guaranteed ended in tragedy. That's all I got.

Okay. Not bad. Colin Hochler. Pretty bad. About a minute. Pretty bad. How long have you been doing stand-up? First time in about a year. First time in about a year. How long were you doing it that year that you stopped doing it? Two years, two and a half. Okay. So you did about two and a half years of stand-up comedy, took a year off, and now you're back. What made you realize you should quit?

Work picked up. What was the work? I test safety equipment for electrical companies. Okay. You ever get shocked? A little bit, yeah. Every once in a while. All right. You almost ever die? No. No. Most interesting thing about you. I'm getting the feeling that I'm about to start moving really fast through bucket pools. We might go turbo mode here because... Turbo mode. Yeah. Yeah.

I think so. It's not so much they're bad, it's that they're uninteresting on top of it. Totally. Totally. And we've had this happen before, and sometimes I just get in a mood, and I get frustrated with everybody kind of just, oh, I don't do it. Oh, I did it five times. Oh, I only do it in my car. Oh, I fucking... You've been here tonight. You've been on the inside of this room. What did you think of all the bucket pools tonight? Yeah, they were pretty bad. Yeah. You think the other guy was good? You think the other guy was good?

Oh, yeah. 100%. Complete homosexual. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Most interesting thing about your entire life? I'm a licensed gunsmith and an ordained minister. I do a lot of... Wow. That's a good one-two combo. Yeah. Welcome to Texas. Yeah. This is where you live? No, I'm actually from St. Louis, Missouri. Okay. St. Louis, Missouri. You're straight? Yeah. Yeah.

You kind of have a little twang in your voice. I'm from St. Louis. Oh, no. You hear that? Well, I mean... Straightest thing about you? Oh.

I did have a threesome with two actual human females in Mexico. Wow. Look at that. Two human females. Good answer. And a quick one, too. Yeah, very quick answer. Not pondering up here like fucking Dustin Horton. What is straight? Yeah. I'm from St. Louis, Missouri, and I had sex without a threesome.

in Santa Anita's Mexico. She was so sweet. You know you have gay asses. I have gay asses. You're a very straight man, but you have gay asses. Okay. I have gay asses. At least I'm learning about myself. What's so gay about my asses? I don't have gay asses. What kind of disease is that? You have gay ass. You got a gay ass if anything. I came down with a case of gay asses.

Who are you here with from St. Louis? My friends over there. He's trying to make a strong ass now. My friends. My friends. You mean your friends? My friends. There you go. All right.

Okay, well Colin, congratulations. That was an all right attempt at a minute. I have run out of small joke books and that is as good as you would possibly get. Maybe perhaps Bones Eye has another one or something like that. We're gonna fly through it. I have another one. We got both of those people. We got both of those people ready to go back here. Okay, we're gonna fly through it. You guys wanna fucking go turbo round?

It's been a long time. Okay, going up first, 60 seconds, and then perhaps the fastest interview ever for Dubs General, everybody. 60 seconds from Dubs General. We're gonna fly through it 'til somebody kills. Here's Dubs General. - I like dark areolas. I don't like clear nipples. The reason I don't like clear nipples, I can see your heartbeat, bitch. Don't wanna see your heartbeat while I'm fucking, you understand? Any Florida people here, make some noise for Florida.

He said, fuck Florida. Fuck your mama. All right, listen. Florida, going to Georgia is a huge Confederate flag. I don't lie to my children. I'm in the car and my daughter says, Daddy, what's that? I said, they found a way to say nigga without saying nigga. My son, nine years old, goes, what does that mean? I said, shh. Listen. Nigga. White people, it's okay to laugh. Shh. Nigga. Move on. Um. Ah!

There you go. I'm going to stop you right there, Dubs. You got caught up in a turbo round tonight. You randomly got selected during a turbo round. Most interesting thing about you before I let you go? Most interesting thing about me is that I'm a single dad and I take care of my kids. Boring. Wow. That's amazing. You know stereotypes are real when it's like that's a shocking thing.

I take care of my kids. All right. I figured that would be like that. Well, we're going to fly through more. Are you anything for fucking Wyclef gone over here? Oh, nice. You're a Giants fan? I am a Giants fan, unfortunately. Nice. Yeah, they're not that great this year. I'm a Giant fan of good comedy. And we haven't seen any tonight. It's one of those nights. Yeah. How long have you been doing comedy? Doing five years. Okay. Five years. In Florida? Not all in Florida, no. Tampa. Okay.

Where I opened for you not two years ago. What do you mean you opened for me?

So last time I was on the show, you said, do you want to open for me in Tampa? And I had you open for me? Absolutely. Where was that at? A comedy club? Yes, sir. Just one show? Two shows. Okay. Two shows in one night. How did that go? It went well. The first one went really well. The second one, not so much. Not so much. And that's all it takes. Yeah. Well, it was 18 year olds. It was a difference in the crowd. No drinking. Remember this, Tony? 18 year olds? Yeah. The second show was 18 and up. The first show was 21 and up. I don't know how that works. This is crazy. This was two years ago?

Yes. Man, I have no memory whatsoever. When you were in Tampa, you were like, this is the horrible room because the ceilings were so high. It was like a theater. Was it the improv? Yes. It was the improv. I remember that. Steve Simone was on those shows. Am I correct? Yes, sir. Okay, I do remember that. Yeah, you didn't do good. The second... I...

I remember now. And I did. I did. You had a good minute the first time you were on. You said you were from Tampa. I was going to Tampa. I had you do it. And ever since then, I've barely let... You actually ruined that for a lot of people. I've barely let anyone open for me from the show since then. Yeah, you can't judge a person just off of a minute. What's your name? Doves General. Doves General ruined it for everyone. For the worst Tampa jokes in town, call 1-800-DOVES-GENERAL now.

There he goes. We're doing a turbo round. There goes Dubs General, everybody. Next one's from the inside. Sergio Guzman, you're next. We're going to keep going until somebody fucking kills. How does that sound? Well, we might be here all night. Is that okay? It might be the longest episode ever. Is that all right? Here we go. He's from the inside. He's one of you. Sergio Guzman. What's going on? That's me. That's me. That's not your name. Thank you.

He is right. I'm not him. That's true. Wait, what? Did we go out of order? I was backstage waiting. We did pre-pull two names. We did. So you're Zach Butcherson.

Yes, sir. Yeah. Okay. Well, we have to make sure that the person that comes out is the name that I call. No, no, this should fight for it. Sergio, you're next. Sergio, you're next. This guy's acting like fucking Sergio Guzman. He's a fucking fraud. I pulled two names at once because we're going turbo round. I pulled two names at once because we're going turbo round. You don't look like no Sergio Guzman. I know. I agree. That is weird that you didn't acknowledge that you weren't Sergio. There's a guy in the room yelling, wait, that's me. Wait, that's me.

Hey, no, you ain't him. That's me. First of all, there's a lot of Sergio Guzmans. I like how that guy had to wait until he saw who it was. He's like, that's not me. I'm me. Wait a second. No, I see. That's not me. That's not me. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted. Sergio, you're next. This is Zach Butkovich, everybody. Zach Butkovich. Sweet. Sweet.

What's up? I just went on a date with a girl recently and she asked me when the last time I got tested for STDs was. I was like, are you serious? Never. Yeah, I treat STDs like I treat poison ivy. If I ain't itching, I ain't fucking got it. And either way, I should probably quit fucking in those bushes. Yeah, I haven't been in like a relationship in a couple of years and my buddy told me, he was like, yeah, dude, that's because you're gay.

He said, "Yeah, dude, you're single 'cause you're gay." And just to prove to him I wasn't gay, I sent him a video of me jerking off to a woman. Yeah, I was like, "Who's fucking gay now, dude? "I'm fucking jerking off to a woman. "You're watching me jerk off. "What could be gayer than that?"

All right, I think that's it. That's good. Thank you. 55 seconds. That was good. Thank you. That was good, Zach. Sergio! Sergio! Sergio! Sergio! Okay, Sergio's next. Zach, that was good. That was actually decent. Thank you. Thank you.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years in October. Where at? I started in St. Louis. And where do you live now? Here in Austin. How long ago did you move here? I moved here in April. April. What do you do for a living? I work at Home Depot. I stock and order their wood molding. Just like a Sergio Guzman would. Right. I actually met Sergio at Home Depot. That's crazy. Yeah. There's a few of them there.

Okay, so you're working at Home Depot. That's fun. Tell us more about your life. Tell us, how do you end up like this? Well, I'm diabetic. Wow. You're diabetic. Yes, I am diabetic. Of all the people that have been on this stage tonight. Yeah, I'm the diabetic guy. I wasn't heavyweight champion or whatever the fuck. There is no God. Yeah, it makes zero sense. You're diabetic.

All the obese people are not diabetic. Red band, not diabetic. Duh.

As he sips a Coke. Yeah, how's that soda taste, Redman? He loves it. He loves it. He's doing great. So how long have you been diabetic for? How did you end up like that? I got diabetes, it's been 12 years now. I got it when I was 15 and a half. You're the kid kind. Yeah, I got the kid kind, and now I'm an adult with it. So still have it. Wow. Wow.

Wow, incredible. So you can't, how often do you have to check your blood? I check my blood sugar probably like five, six times a day. Wow. That is amazing.

That is unbelievable. And what's the worst thing that happens to you? What happens? What happens if you ate a slice of bread and had a can, chugged a can of Coke? I would have to take my syringe and my vial of insulin out and take a shot for it. Do it. Wow. Do it right now. It's in the bin backstage. I should have kept it in my pocket. No, we don't need a syringe right now. Let's try it without. Let's try it. Let's just do the shot. Can we take the syringe, inject it into Ari's left nut and

pull on it and see what comes out? I could, yeah. Ari, would you be willing to do that? Oh, absolutely. Someone get my syringe.

Someone get my syringe. Oh, man. You're insulin. I'm in buying. All right, that's stupid. Anyway. Oh, my God. Wow. So other than being diabetic, what else about you, Zach Butkovich? You were bullied in high school. No, I was like...

Kind of good at sports. Oh, cool. I might not have been good at sports. I was on the team, so everyone kind of liked me. Uh-huh. So, yeah, I didn't get bullied up. I don't know. I tried to tell you guys I was on here last time and Howie Mandel was up here. I tried to say I was... I got voted onto my high school school board when I was like 20 years old. Uh-huh. Fresh out of high school. You guys hate that. That's terrible. But you brought it up again. And I brought it up again. Wow. You thought Mandel was the problem with that story. Yeah. Uh...

Now I'm figuring out it wasn't. It might have been me. I say try it a third time next time you're up here. Yeah. They'll remember now. They'll remember now. I say try it a third time. No, I'm not going to do it. It's the Mandela effect. Okay, Zach.

Anything else interesting about you before I let you go? You are in turbo round right now. I'm in the turbo round. I'm diabetic. Okay, there he goes. Zach Butkovich, everybody. You get a medium joke book. Congratulations, Zach Butkovich. Ladies and gentlemen, representing the inside, it's the man you've been waiting for for minutes.

I present to you the undoubtable Kill Tony debut of Sergio Guzman! Oh shit. I originally came out here with my balls out but they're not as impressive as Ari's so I decided to put them back away. Any Joe Biden fans in the house? Thank God. I see one guy with his hands up. That's a pedophile.

All right, let me see here. Let me pull up my Kill Tony joke book. Let me use it for what it's used for. All right. Kids these days have it tough, man. It's such a confusing time to be a kid. Think about it. Your mom might be walking around with a huge cock. Your dad might be walking around with a nice set of tits. And your middle school libraries are trying to teach you how to suck and fuck both. All right. That was not the one. All right.

Illegal immigration has gotten completely out of control. Something needs to be done. We need to start sending people back. My beautiful wife sitting somewhere over there. She's pregnant with our firstborn. She came here illegally. Send her back. We'll end it there. That might be the best I got.

I think it probably was the best you got. Let me ask you something. Did you buy that large joke book? I didn't. So last, I was on about a year ago. I bombed and then my wife came up and I was roasted for about 15 minutes about being gay. And then she earned us both a joke book because you called her up. She roasted me. Did amazing. So she got the joke book. She got the joke. No, we both got one because you were generous. Right. But she earned it. I was just a lucky bystander. Is she here tonight? She is absolutely here tonight. Really?

She's right over there. We haven't had a female comedian up tonight. Did she write a minute? She has a minute. She prepared a minute? She signed up. Hold on a second. Hold on. What's her name? Patricia Guzman. Ladies and gentlemen, no doubt about it.

I've been digging for a female comedian. We went through 50 names. It's all dudes. I present to you the return, supposedly. She's pregnant? I have no memory whatsoever. She's about to bomb for two. Now she's pregnant, yes. Oh, yeah. You guys are Latino. Here we go. A new minute from Patricia Guzman, everybody. That solves a lot of problems right there.

Oh my god. Make some noise for Patricia everybody. Thank you, I guess, for letting me up here. Last time I was on this show, I made a bunch of jokes about my husband being gay. Jokes on me, here I am a year later, knocked up with his gay baby. What a life, I love my gay bee. Not this page. Okay. Immigrants these days have it way easier than I did when coming to the U.S.,

Nowadays, they're handed a cell phone, a thousand bucks, and told to fuck off. Back in my day, they threw my four-year-old ass in jail. Before jail, I had never seen a black woman before, so being a four-year-old, I thought they were made out of chocolate. My face would light up in the shower, and I would scream at my mom, Mom, it's chocolate women! Long story short, my mom would be terrified every time we would hit the showers because I wanted to lick them. Woo!

That's it. Okay, Patricia. Adorable. An honest minute. I like that. Again, funnier than your man. Wow. So much funnier. How does it feel being the funny person in your relationship? Oh my God, I'm so nervous being up here. How does it feel doing masculine to homosexual? I thought it feels horrible. I'm sorry. Okay.

My goodness. How long have you been with Sergio? 12 years this year. 12 years. What's the gayest thing about Sergio? You know him very well. I don't know. He doesn't like playing video games with me, so I make fun of him for that. Okay. All right. He doesn't like playing video games with you. What else is gay about Sergio, Patricia? Come on. Give us something good here. He likes to be a little spoon.

Sergio. I like being the big spoon. I don't mind. Right. Absolutely. Absolutely. That's a really good gay thing. Yeah. Yeah. Good detail. Yeah.

You like being the little Snoop too? Oh, yeah, yeah. I have a little Asian girl on your back, like you're like Star Wars, you know, like with the Ewok and shit. Oh, yeah. That's great. Totally. Totally. How long until the baby comes out, Patricia? I'm due July 1st. Okay. July 1st. And you're sure that it's Sergio's? Or could it be Zach Butkovich that got in there first? I hope not. I hope it's not. Hey, that's not my baby.

Hey. Get that baby out of here. Get that baby out of here. It's on my end. I'm Sergio Guzman. My goodness. What do you guys do for work? How are you going to support this little fucking immigrant? I'm a personal trainer. You're what? I'm a personal trainer. Oh, shit. Okay. What does he do?

He's an account manager. Oh, an account manager. Where at? Enterprise Rent-A-Car? I didn't know Mexicans could be account managers. I didn't know fat chicks could be personal trainers. Yeah, it's true. I'd rather not say. Some of my co-workers are friends of the show, so I've already considered myself fired. Okay. Very good, Sergio. Very good. I know a guy that works at Home Depot that can help you out. Okay.

Amazing stuff. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? How did you get her so pregnant? You know, the real trick is you bend them over from the front side and you start eating their ass first. Right. And then you work your way down. Front side. So missionary position, feet over the head. Yes. And then you eat her ass. And then you work your way up. The old Latina salad, if you will. The old fucking papaya salad. Exactly. Last time you were on, you said we owned a Mexican food truck.

You own a Mexican food truck? Last time we were on, you called us two Mexicans that own a food truck. So that was accurate. That was accurate. Okay. Do you ever do it stray doggy style? I mean, obviously, that's standard. That's a Mexican thing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So is this your first kid? Yes. What are you going to name it? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

O'Larion? Shut the fuck up. O'Larion? What the fuck is wrong with you? O'Larion? Your best friend picked a name? Your best friend is fucking with you. O'Larion? That's like a prescription medicine or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Red band. Very good. Red band. Red band.

Book ending the episode with two great jokes. The two biggest applause breaks of the night going to Red Band. For those of you that had that on your bingo cards, you win $2.5 billion. Um, if you bet $1, you win $2.5 billion on Red Band getting the two biggest applause breaks of the episode. Absolutely unprecedented. Incredible. This is a new era of the show. Uh,

It's unbelievable. Hilarious. What does that mean? Why would... You just said, okay, best friend, I'm fucking retarded.

Whatever you say, best friend. Is his best friend the financier of this baby or something? It's been his best friend. It's been my husband's best friend for like ever, so. And he said O'Lerion? O'Lerion. Yeah, it's a black guy's name. It's a strong name. Hey, O'Lerion the lion. Bacon sort. Hey, O'Lerion. He's going to grow up to one day be in a sex tape with a Kardashian. Yeah.

Oh my God. What's the middle name going to be? Rafael. Rafael. Olerian Rafael. Guzman. Wow, Guzman. Oh my God. Unbelievable. Enough of these fucking Mexican babies. I'm kidding. Shut up. O-L-R-E-R-N.

My goodness gracious. So July 1st, that thing's coming, huh? Sergio, are you just blasting away inside of her until then? Does it just look like a fucking horchata machine down there? What's going on? What are you doing? What's going on? It's just fucking... That's exactly right. We're on vacation tonight, so she's getting some horchata, if you know what I mean. Oh, shit. Hell yeah. Are you horny now that you're pregnant? Wow. Oh, fuck. Even when you look at his face? I mean...

Ari primed her with a hell of a set of balls, so he did half the work for me. Oh my goodness, that's incredible. How much hornier are you? Is there new things that you're into or you find yourself doing? I don't think so. New things that I'm into. I don't know, I like getting lotion rubbed on my belly.

Oh, he's been rubbing lotion on you? Oh my goodness gracious. Look at Sergio over here. Managing accounts and lotioning up fucking bodies. Wow. Incredible. So you ever save a little lotion for yourself, Sergio? Only when she's asleep. Only when she's asleep. Wow. Okay. And then you think about dudes. Hell yeah. Okay. Uh,

My goodness. What else can we do to put a ribbon on this? How about we change, can we change the baby's name to Tony live on the air? Can we just do that? Yeah. Hilarion sucks. Hilarion sucks. You're dooming that kid. First of all, he'll definitely go by Raphael. That's a beautiful black guy's name.

Yeah, but it's not black, John. We love that you're staying... But it's the name of a beautiful black man. We got Black Panther John Dees up here. Like, oh, I think it's a beautiful name. Hey, it's a beautiful name. Oh, shit. Yeah, Tony's a way better name. Yeah. Antonio. Anthony Javier...

Olerian Guzman. How about that? It's absolutely beautiful. Will you change it to Anthony? We could work on it. Working on it doesn't work. You're blacklisted if you don't do it. Or brownlisted if you don't do it. Wow. I'm throwing it around now. Okay, John. That's really not going to work. It's not going to be a full-time thing here. Antonio...

I like that. I mean, why not give her the name Tony? I like Antonio. Antonio Guzman. Rafael Guzman. Antonio Rafael Guzman. I like that. I like that. Let's make it official. Let's make it official. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's make it official. Yeah, here we go. Yeah. Shut up.

Oh, my God. Baby's first teabagging. Sergio doesn't know what to do. He's hard as a rock right now. I dub thee Antonio. I love it. Congratulations. I think that guarantees I'll have a gay bee. Yeah!

I love it. Baby's first teabagging only here on Kill Tony. How about one more hand for Patricia and Sergio Guzman, everybody? We did it. You made it through the turbo round. This one was a no-go, right? We're done, right? Guys, there's only one way to fucking end an episode like this. There's no doubt about it. Finally, we've made it to the end. We're going to call Sergio and Patricia a kill so that we can put a ribbon on this fucking thing. Did you guys have fun tonight? Yeah.

Well, you're a great crowd and for that you shall be rewarded. I present to you the all-time record holder for minutes, for interviews, for everything that's ever been done before. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the St. Louis Assassin.

Tijuana Tornado, the Mississippi Mauler, the Gentrified Jeweler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is indeed the one and only William Montgomery. ♪

Hello, my name is actually Sergio Guzman, and I don't know who that bitch was, but I'm not gay, so. A lady who cut off her bosoms to become a man just found out she's five months pregnant. It's kind of hard to follow, but I think that means he's gay. Kentucky is about to legalize killing homeless people, which is kind of shocking because I thought it was already legal there.

I know I've killed six homeless people in Kentucky, so... How could I be racist when my favorite Power Ranger is black? Kentucky is thinking about legalizing sex between first cousins. They are also thinking about legalizing breathing. Okay, because they already have sex with first cousins. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. William Lights Out Montgomery. The...

Gentrified jeweler. The petty princess. The petty princess. I think I would like that.

A lot of New Kentucky law jokes tonight. Where is this coming from? Well, it's from... I actually got horribly food poisoned, Tony, on Saturday night. My father told me not to say the name of the place or they will sue me, but I know 100%, without a doubt, it's from these pieces of shit. I'm going to say the name wrong, but it sounds something like Meatball Marinara, and it's not far from here. It sounds like Meatball Marinara, and Tony, I wake up on Sunday to...

a bunch of diarrhea in my boxers. Erica starts freaking out. I start going to the bathroom. I take my boxers off to smell the diarrhea because it smells extra nasty. And I just...

I wanted to smell it, and then it starts dropping out of my boxers all onto the floor. I get in the shower. I almost black out because I have no energy. I end up vomiting several times in the trash can. Tony was horrible, and basically I found out those people who run the fucking place are from Kentucky, so this is a... Wow. What did you order from Meatball Marinara that made you this sick? I had the meatballs in marinara. Honestly, that is what I had.

And you would think if it's the fucking namesake, it would be safe to eat. But I had the meatballs at Marinara and I also had the cheesy bread. And Tony, I'll be the first to tell you, the food was amazing. It made me so sad the next day when I find out it's from Meatball Marinara. It was really delicious food. Damn it. That is incredible. I, uh, uh,

a never ending love for meatballs. And this is very, very scary. Did they look anything like these meatballs right here?

Can I see them? Oh, they're out right there. Gosh, Ari, how are your balls so big? Are your balls big or are my balls small? I'm just trying to... Because my balls look nothing like your balls. Are his big? Tony, do you think I read this? Not only are they big, and I mean, I have big balls.

balls as well, not to brag, but my balls are not full like that. They are normal, older looking, more deflated balls. These look like the balls of what appear to be like a superhuman 17-year-old boy or something like that. A wet sock and a bunch of Skittles. That's what they look like. It is absolutely incredible. Yay!

Gosh! A lot of blurring on this episode on YouTube. Sorry to those of you that are watching at home that don't get to actually enjoy the voluptuous nuggets. These are the true Bucky's beaver nuts here. These things are incredible. It's amazing how big your balls can be when you keep...

All of the coins you've ever gathered off the floor in your life inside of them. They point to arrows. They're so big and crazy that every time you reveal them, it's like a new set of balls. They're unbelievable. It looks like the heavyweight champion's stomach. It does. Those things fucking hang. I mean, oh my God. What'd you do? They're getting bigger by the second.

Oh, my God. Absolutely unbelievable. I swear, I threw up for the first time in years yesterday. It was horrible, and I don't want to do... You want a little marinara on top of those, William? What is this place? I want to eat there. I want to eat at this place. It's really close by. What's it called? I'm going to call it Meatball Marinara because my father says they might sue me. They're not going to fucking sue you. Your dad's being a weirdo.

It sounds similar. First of all, that was the wettest whisper I've ever had in my life. That was... Even for me, that was disgusting. The old William Wet Whispers. www.www.com www.wetwhiskers.com William Wet Whispers. WilliamWetWhispers.com How could they sue you for giving you diarrhea?

Yeah, exactly. Your dad's incorrect about this. Your dad's a fucking idiot, dude! Don't bring my dad into this, okay? He's dumb. He has fucking arthritis in his foot. We thought we were really worried about him last week. Ari, please, don't bring up Larry right now. He's been nothing but sweet to you. He's said nothing but sweet things to your fucking ass. Why are you doing this? And I swear to God, I don't really feel good right now. It's a damn good thing I felt better

than yesterday because Ari, I thought it was the end of my fucking life when I was in the shower and I didn't tell my girlfriend this, but oh my gosh, I shouldn't say this right now. Say it. But I actually, I was having such a hard time moving around, I swear I was about to black out that I diarrhea-ed in the shower. Wow. Because I could feel it happening again. I shouldn't have even brought that up. I'm going to have hell to pay for that. Hey.

Maybe this is wrong. Maybe this is a Jew in me, but I just thought of a great money-making scheme for him for the road. I need to find one. What? You need to sell diarrhea. Yeah. Oh, yeah, great idea. People are going to buy diarrhea. Holy shit! Stick with the jokes, Ari! Oh, my God. Yeah, let me diarrhea in fucking containers and sell them to people. I'm not even going to be able to get that shit on the airplane, dude. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

As long as it's less than two ounces, you technically can get it on the airplane. You gotta do it there. You don't diarrhea here and take it with you. Why would you diarrhea ahead of time? I don't know. Have you thought about...

partnering up with Meatball Marinara, perhaps a little sponsorship in order for them to make up for the trauma. It could be. I just eat that food that tasted pretty good but obviously is poisonous and yeah, just say, hey, I'm going out on the road this coming weekend. Let me eat your fucking nasty bullshit. What's the actual name of the place? We'll beep it out. These people, the live audience deserves to know. You'll get fucking sued.

Yeah, now you're messing with me. No, you'll be shocked. It's really similar to Meatball Marinara. Just say it. Say it? Say it, you fucking weirdo. You have the free speech. Really? Yeah. Jesus. Shouldn't have said it, dude. That was bullshit. People work hard, small family-owned business. Just because you have a terrible constitution, you've got to fucking ruin a mom and pop?

Yeah, they got me sick as shit. Wow. Incredible. Yeah, it was fucking started my birthday. I did two sets up here in the little room on Thursday night. I get back to my fucking car and have a boot on it. So welcome to William's 37th birthday. It was such a fucking... Yeah, tell me about it. It was a fucking sob story the whole fucking weekend. It starts at $130 boot on the fucking car. I forget my jacket. I'm freezing cold.

outside by the fucking car. You're the one that wanted to spend your birthday in Austin. You didn't want to go to Seattle, Portland, and Vancouver with me. You wanted to fucking take it off. Oh, I want to chill, Tony. Yeah, I wanted to chill, and then I get sick as shit, Tony. Yeah, that's what happens when you fucking don't work with me. Do you agree, Red Band? No. No?

Improv guru, Ryan Redban, hard at work here, an unbelievable comedy technician. You said no to going on the road with Tony? Yeah, it took a weekend off. I chill, yes, I chilled this weekend. He's like, I want to spend it with my girlfriend. I don't want to be on the road. Okay, you stupid bitch. There's one stupid bitch that was saying something about, poor baby, what do you even look like, you nasty bitch? Shh.

I just want to see what some stupid dumbass looks like who's making that fucking noise. Oh, yeah, exactly what I thought. God, look at your nasty fucking ass, bitch. Oh, shit. He's being ruthless right now. What does she look like? Go back to the hen house. Oh, don't kick her out now. It's over. You don't have to kick her out. Oh, yeah, no, it's fine. She's a stupid bitch. Kick her out.

- Oh, Ari says kick her out. - Kick her out. Get her out of here. - Kick her out! - There she goes. The crowd goes wild. - It's my fucking birthday, bitch! I'm only 37 once off! I'm gonna be 38 next year! And maybe 39 after that! But I'm probably not making it to the finals.

Oh, what happened? I don't know. Michael was supposed to do the thing that he always does, but he's like waiting for something. What just went on there, Michael? What happened? There was a lot going on. You guys talking in your in-ears or something? Oh, Jesus Christ. Those fucking in-ears. Yeah, I mean, that was about to be the big send-off for me tonight. Yeah, it really, it literally was. We were about to put a ribbon on the episode. You guys are over here producing a new song. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

It's been a long time, folks. Oh, shit.

She's in here, y'all. Come on. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Hooty-hoo. Hooty-hoo. Make some noise for William Montgomery, everybody. There we go. We did it again. We love him. Follow him. Do it again. A badass drawing from Ryan J. Ebel of the great Ari Shafir is popping on your screen right now. The ball.

The balls are going away. Make some noise for Ari. Ari, anything you want to plug or promote? Man, it's just an honor to be part of this amazing show with so many fucking retards living on the outside. Absolutely. Every time I've done it, from the belly room to the main room to the Vulcan to here to another place to kick you out.

to the fucking Madison Square Garden. What a journey it's been. And it's because of legit fucking comedians like you playing along all the way. We love them. Ari Shaffir, everybody. Come on! Come on!

Joe Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, all over on CMSmokehouse.com. Connect Mobile Health. Let's see the drawing from Chris Rogers. Ooh, a Joker version of the great Cam Patterson. I love that. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Michael Gonzalez on the drums. D Madness on the bass. John Dees on the keys. And Matt Muehling.

Epsilon out now, 020johndees.bandcamp.com. Red Band. If you guys haven't seen Ari Shafir's special, The Jew on YouTube, please check it out. I love it. Check out Jew. Thank you. I love you guys. If you haven't, truly one of the best comedians in the world, Ari Shafir. One more time for Ari. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

He's got

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.