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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
and the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tone. ♪♪ ♪♪
Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get in for Tony Hitchclack. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?
Oh, shit. Here we go again. Hey, look, it's Red Band, everybody. Hi. We've been doing this show a long time together, him and I. Ten and a half years running, and it is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. Who's excited to be here, huh? Yeah.
Brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, NinjaBuses.com, and Connect Mobile Health. Get an IV drip, save 10% using the promo code KILLTONY or TONY10, something like that. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, everybody? God damn it. Unbelievable, right? This fucking serial killer's excited, I could tell.
Those cold, dead eyes. Jesus fucking Christ. I think I found the Rainy Street Serial Killer right here. Just out in the fucking obvious, blatant, fucking cold, dead eyes. Jesus. You guys are all bundled up. Why don't you take your fucking ski jacket off? Relax a little bit, sir. Jesus Christ. That's the Peterson Brothers joining the band over there. Local fucking legends. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Woo!
Matt, the mortician, mewling on the electric guitar, the leader of the band, John Dees on the keys. And let him hear it because that's all he can do. The great and powerful D Madness, everybody. Oh, shit. It is going down tonight. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all available for you here right now.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.
if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...
With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Well, well, well.
You're in good hands. This is a show that's been booked out for a while. This is very, very exciting. These are two of our favorite human beings that we have been working with for 17 fucking years at the Comedy Store. Legends of the Comedy Store. Working fucking icons of the comedy game. And most importantly, our Comedy Store brother and sister. Let's see how loud this place can get for...
Bobby Lee and Esther Pabitsky. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Look, it's Bobby Lee, motherfuckers. Come on. Show your respect to Bobby Lee. Little Esther. Here's a scoot down. This one's working. Yeah. Can I go over here? Hell yeah. One more time for Tony Kiske. Oh, shit.
I'm a big fan. It's been years since you guys have been on this show. We're so happy to have you back. They're in a movie together. Drugstore June, February 23rd in select theaters. They're doing movies. We're doing our podcast in arenas. Everybody's thriving right now. I don't know how I had to bring us back into it, but you know, movies, exciting, select theaters, select arenas. We're doing select arenas.
Madison Square Garden in the Forum. It's not a competition. It's not. No, I know. It's not. We're both doing good? God. I'm so excited to have you guys. You get more girls than me, I think. What? You get more girls than me. Do you get any? Because I get more. I get more. I get more than any.
Oh, God. I also get more dudes than you. So, we're even. Have you done gay stuff? No. Oh. But everybody thinks I have, so I just lean. Then you have. I go with the wind. No, I know you haven't. That's right. Thank you, Esther. The gayest stuff I've ever done. They used to date, and do you believe that Tony would eat her butthole? Oh, my God. That is true. That is true. You talk about it all the time. It's just, right? Did he not eat your butthole? That is true. The old Jewish tunnel. Oh, my God.
- So gross. - Can I-- - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. The old stinky dreidel. - Can I tell the crowd what happened on our first date? - What happened on our first date? Yes, you can. If it is what I think it is, yes. - So you came in your pants? - You did. You made me come in my pants.
I was 23. I was 23. This is 17 years ago. She was 22. I was 23. They were a very lightweight pair of jogging pants. Unbelievably thin. I was poor. I had no money. They were the thinnest. I used to freeze in those jogging pants. Now, I don't want to brag, but you're not the only person at this table who's eaten my ass. Uh-oh.
No! No! No! Gross! That's how me and Tony know each other. What, you put a little breadcrumbs down there for him? He likes a heavy carb diet. I love it. Well, we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. This is a little family reunion up here.
Before we explain the show, one more special treat for you. Joining the band and icon of Kill Tony music history, one of the great jokemeisters of the show. You also know her from the hit podcast Bad Friends with Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino. Make some fucking noise for the jet ski, Jessie Johnson. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There she is. You know her. You love her.
Coming straight from two sold-out arenas here in Austin, Texas. I'm also eating that after the ice cream. If you guys don't know, when Jet Ski says something funny, everybody goes, That's a thing. So practice, everybody. Very good, very good. And it's not juicy, by the way.
Uh-oh, there's Red Band's first attempt of the night. There he goes. All right. Hey, there we go. All right. Bobby, Esther, you guys remember how it works. Hundreds of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on tonight's show. They get that uninterrupted, their chance to make it or fucking break it. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bearer.
Which is back in West Hollywood. He zooms in to growl like that all the way from West Hollywood. It's amazing. Every week, very consistent. I'm going to pre-pull a name from this bucket and we're going to chase that person down from the bar next door. In the meanwhile, we will get 60 seconds uninterrupted, a brand new minute from one of the legends of the show, ladies and gentlemen. A very polarizing figure.
This guy, I mean, is the talk of the town right now. I present to you a brand new minute from the great and powerful Hans Kim! Thank you guys! Whenever I travel and I tell people I'm from Texas, no one believes me because I look like this.
Everyone thinks Texas is just a bunch of dudes in cowboy hats making tacos for each other. Who do you think paints their wives' nails? A lot of immigrants are coming across the border, which is great, because my windshield's kind of dirty. And I was thinking of picking up some flowers on the way home. I think it would suck to be paralyzed from the neck down unless you're into bondage.
Then it's like you're getting tied down by God. He used to be my father. Now he's my daddy. Thank you. Wow. Amazing. He did it again. A brand new minute. Bobby. I mean, dude, I'm a fucking fan of yours. I have no idea. I didn't know you knew me.
What the fuck, dude? I'm sorry. I thought you were from Texas. I had no idea. I had no idea. No, but dude, I mean, I never thought there was a filthier gook than me. Honestly, when I watch you, I go, oh my God, that's like you're like my son or something. I am your son. Like a descendant or whatever, and I like what you're doing. I know your parents are probably disgraced. Yes. But I'm fucking proud of you. Thank you, Bobby. Amazing. Look at that.
Look at that. Look at that. Just a little Korean love machine over here. I absolutely love it. Hans, you did it again. Beats and fucking punchlines the whole way through. You got a fresh haircut. Looking great. Not the usual dictator volume that we've had in the past. This is a new look. Everything fits tonight. What's going on? Thank you, Tony. Oh.
I don't know. You know, I've had a lot of women criticize me. Oh. Oh, no. In a helpful way, they're like, hey, your wardrobe looks like you're trying to be an old man. And I was like, well, that's not, I want to be a young boy. Hans, Hans, Hans. Hans, what's your style in bed? Like, you do power fuck or what? I'm like, yeah, power strokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just not a lot, but like just, oof. Pretty good. Pretty good.
I like to put it in and let it sit. Soak, yeah. Edging, edging. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do the sewing machine. And you soak it. You do a little marinated Korean beef in there, huh? That's what you're doing? Little L.A. short ribs. My goodness. Old short ribs over there. What's the longest you've ever just let it sit?
Probably around like five minutes. Wow. What? That's amazing. You're baking your dick? Yeah.
My goodness. You have a bun in the oven. He has a bow in the oven. It's incredible. Little Esther, what do you think about the great Hans Kim? I've watched you on previous episodes. This felt really like your timing was good. You weren't nervous. And I liked the joke about the nails. I live in L.A., so nobody can be racist there. So that was fun. Yeah.
And her people know about nails. They're the ones that drove them through Jesus' hands, so... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, let's fucking go!
I love it. Hans, an amazing minute. A fucking great way to get the show started. You have to do it every week. It's not easy. There's a lot of fucking people that fucking talk shit and you take it like a goddamn champion as your star power grows. Your ninja star power. And you prove the haters to be pieces of shit every week. Congratulations, the reigning, defending, opening regular of the show. Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you.
And like that, everything takes a wild turn because now we go to the bucket. This is where shit, obviously, if you know the show, gets crazy. It could be a completely insane person that says crazy stuff. It could be the future of the show. A star could be made or someone could embarrass themselves. Your first bucket pool of the night is Jason Rodriguez, everybody.
These people have been waiting all day in the cold and here we go, it's Jason Rodriguez. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Jason Rodriguez. Hey. Hey. Alright, how's it going? Life good? Cool, yeah, life's good for me. I have a mustache now. Everyone likes it. Mostly guys. Mostly guys with mustaches.
Love my mustache. There's a whole facial hair community. They're all into it now. It gets weird. One guy with a mustache, he was like, "Anyone ever say you got like a pedophile stache?" And I was like, "No." And he's like, "I get that all the time." Like, "That's just you. That's... You should probably shave. That's about what you don't want." Yeah, no one says that about me. No one says I have a pedophile stache. I think because I have a body of a victim. I think that's why. And people see my face, like, "Oh, what a creep." They look down, like, "Ah, he's an Indian teenager. Never mind."
I wish I had a beard, though. A beard seems manly. Look, you work with your hands. I look like I work with my hands in like a different kind of like a... Was that good form? I don't fucking know. I don't know. Who knows? Okay, what else is there? Yeah, I remember my buddies. Oh, I'm done. Cool. Thank you. There you go. Jason Rodriguez. All right. Very fun. What's up? Not bad.
Welcome. Have you been on this show before, Jason? Yeah, like three years ago. Okay. Yeah, it's been a while. You didn't have the mustache back then. No, this is a new thing. Look at you now. You worked hard for it. I did. 30 years. Put it in. Absolutely. Yep. Absolutely. It's pretty thick, so you can't grow a beard at all. Nope, not at all. This is it. Nope. Do you always tuck in one side of your jacket collar like that? Is that like a trademark? No, not at all. There you go. Okay, look at you. Is this better now? Eh, no. I mean, I was just curious. Well, fuck me. Yeah, tuck it back in.
I like it. I can't do anything right. I like that. You should do that all the time. That could be like your thing. This is my thing? Absolutely. What do you do for work, Jason? I work at a poke place. A poke place? Yeah, you know poke? Oh my goodness. Yeah, we know what poke is. Yeah. Because we love planet Earth! Okay, all right. I knew you did. I know that for sure, but... Oh my God. He said you do for sure. I don't know.
Oh my goodness. John D's on the keys back here.
Do you get a lot of Asian people in the poke place? Actually, mostly white people in like Teslas and stuff. Teslas? Yeah. Okay. Is it a drive-in poke place or are you just keeping an eye on the parking lot? I do, yeah. It's a really small shop. You can see their automotor wheels. And what do you do exactly at the poke place? Are you slicing the fish? Yeah, we slice the fish. We do that in the morning. We put it in the bowl. We mix it up. We give them to the guy. That's about it. Is it frozen or do you ship it fresh? No, it's frozen. Oh. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, yeah, we're in the middle of Texas. You can't really have like fresh salmon and tuna. Would you eat it? Like, is it okay? Oh, I eat it every day, all the time. Yeah. Okay. I think it's bad for you if you eat it more than like eight ounces, though. You get like iron poisoning or some shit. Mercury. Mercury, that's it. One of those. I don't know. Not iron. Right. I don't know. It's in stuff.
I love it. So you're making poke for a living. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like six years. Six years. What's your love life like? I got a lady. I got a girlfriend. Okay. Yeah, she's cool. She's white. She camps. Hell yeah, dude. You meet her at the poke place? No, I met her. She's like a door girl at a comedy club. So it's pretty cool. Are you competitive with this? No, not at all. It's like an improv theater.
Yeah, no, boo. It's gay or whatever. Does she do comedy too? No, not at all. Thank God. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And does she like the mustache? Yeah. She only knew me. She only knows like mustache Jason. That's all she knows. Mustache Jason. Yes. I'm afraid to shave it. She might like cheat on me or something. I don't know.
Yeah. Maybe that's the thing. Keeping it all together. I love it. Do you have any special skills or talents that we'd be surprised to know about about you? I can build furniture really fast. Okay. So you are Latino. That checks out. Is there anything that we'd be surprised to know that you can do? Oh, that's good. The beans? Okay. Um...
No, I'm not a talented person. I'm kind of a loser, honestly. I did my talented thing just a second ago. That was it. I can do like 30 push-ups, I think. Really? Yeah. You think you can do 30 push-ups? Yeah, not in a row. Dude, I can do 30. You can do 30? You can do 30? I've never done it, but I think I can. Which one? Let's do it. The old Dirty 30 with Bobby Lee and Jason Rodriguez. Yeah.
30 push-ups. Wait, Jason, you gotta do them too. 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30. Yeah!
He's dead, everybody. He's dead. Oh my goodness. Welcome to Kill Bobby. Oh my goodness. How about a hand for Bobby Lee, everybody? Wow, that was so good. Jason, you're looking to get off that. Oh my God. 31, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
Oh my god! Oh my god, the machine! Live on Kill Tony! Fuck! Fucking 50 clean, baby!
Hell yes. Shout out to Ways to Well. Testosterone's doing good. Yeah. I don't cum anymore, but that's cool. Bert, the machine crasher is joining the party, everybody. Red band, do your 30, dude. I'll do it in VR.
Oh, catch him doing it in virtual reality, everybody. There you go. Should I try? No, you're pregnant. You can't do it. We never got Jason to do his. Do you think you could do 30? Oh, fuck. I don't want to do it. This is one of the worst podcasting segments of all time. For those of you listening to the show, people are doing push-ups. And here we go. One, two, three. It's not happening. It's not happening. One, two, three.
- Oh, he's already slowing up. This is not looking good. - It does not look good. - He ain't building my furniture. I'll give him credit, he is going pretty far down. - You got it. - You got it, dude. - He's got it. 26, 27, 28, 29. - Hey!
Jason Rodriguez. Oh my God. Fun set. Great pushups. You did fantastic, Jason. Muchas gracias. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Can I? Oh, look at that. Thank you, Brian. Oh.
They couldn't possibly push up your ceiling any higher. Jason, here's a Kill Tony joke book from the great Bones Eye. There's Jason Rodriguez, everybody. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Thank you. There he goes. We're going to watch a comedian.
I'm ready. Let's go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Grant Adcock, everybody. Your next bucket pool, Grant Adcock. Here he is. Holy shit. How's it going? You guys drinking tonight? Fuck yeah. Thank you for being here. I love drinking. People actually tell me I drink too much. I tell them all the same thing. I say, you don't even fucking know your alcohol.
Are you guys a couple? Yeah, a couple dipshits. All right, welcome. I read a cool stat, 2023 officially had the highest percentage of mentally handicapped homeowners of all time. Yeah, guys, get loud for that, that's a big deal. That's gotta be a tough guy to have as a landlord, right?
The fourth of the month comes up, you haven't paid rent. You get a text message. It's just a voice memo from your retarded landlord. All it says is, time to pay the piper. All right. 60 seconds from Grant Adcock. Rock solid. Very good. Welcome back. You've been on this show before, correct? First time. This is your first time? First time on the show. Okay. Wow. Welcome, welcome. Welcome.
Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? Probably like three, four years. Nice. What do you do for work? I work at Sunset, actually. I'm a barista. Oh, barista at Red Band's Comedy Club. Look at that. Yeah, second highest... Oh, never mind. There you go. Very good. So you're only making coffee beverages? Making coffee, I work three to six every day.
All right. There you go. That's a good plug for the club. You guys will do anything to get people in there. We have great coffee. The best coffee on 6th Street. Seriously, we do. The most coveted hours of making coffee. Three to six. For all those strippers and comics. All right.
You know what's cool, though? It's so that comics can go there and use the mic. If they write a new joke during the coffee hour, they can just go up and try the material out to all these people. Wow. And I thought Starbucks had it nailed. What you're telling me is there's a coffee shop out there where I can hear their thoughts? Yeah.
What's some of the wacky stuff you see go on there between three and six? Today I was, it was yesterday, we were setting up the A-frame that says we have coffee. A homeless lady said, you're trying to poison us, aren't you, you fat fuck? And that was the first person I talked to that day. Once again, there's an open mic at this place. Yeah.
That's amazing. That's amazing. I love it. So how old are you? 27. 27. Okay. What's your living situation like? You're only working three to six. You're doing stand up. Seems like that's a tough living. Yeah, it's that. I live with my girlfriend. So we both, she makes a lot more money than I do. Yes. Yes. No!
Yeah. No doubt about it. Her hands look like this, so mine can... Can I give him a real like... Absolutely. Yeah, Bobby Lee. I thought you were great. I thought in the beginning you were a little nervous, and as soon as you get your first laugh, I saw you grow into your confidence. Oh, thank you so much. Start that way. Fuck yeah. There you go. Start with your confidence.
I saw that too. The moment that we've all had that you get your first laugh and you went, you jawed at this. Oh, God. Yeah. And you took the mic off the stand. That's what I want to see. You were confident, dude. In the beginning, you were like timid. It's fine. Although I wouldn't open with the you two are dipshits joke. That's not how you alienate an audience. Are you guys a couple? A couple of dipshits. Anyway. I thought my favorite
My favorite part was your impression of being drunk and like I would want more of that from you because you're so good at it. Okay, there you go. It is. It's incredible to have Shane Gillis' nephew here on the show. You're adorable. So how old are you? 27? 27. Okay. So like what's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator?
Probably an empty pizza box. An empty pizza box? Yeah. You just threw it back in there. I forgot to take the trash out Tuesday, so I'm just kind of leaving it there until tonight. Does your girlfriend ever yell at you for forgetting to do chores like that? She's yelling at me right now, actually. No, she's very cleanly, so she doesn't. She gets a little upset, I guess. Why is she paying the rent? Because you don't look like you're good at sex. That is a really good point.
You might be. I'm just judging on us. We split the rent. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom or something that you do to please her, the rent-paying woman that cleans up after you? No, and I need to fucking keep it together, I guess. Sometimes I try to talk. Like during sex? Yeah, I'll be like,
You like that dick or something? Oh my goodness. I just got wet, you know? Oh my goodness. That's like a genuine question. Do you like that dick? Do you like that dick? Yeah. Do you like...
That's how it comes off. It's not really hot. Yeah, you sounded like you were genuinely asking. As though you had another dick that you could put in there. Or you work for the census. Am I the only one hearing like a Norm MacDonald vibe from him a little? Yeah. He's a little thick though, like Norm MacDonald's. Yeah.
I love it. Any other crazy fun facts about you, Grant Adcock, that we'd be surprised to know about your entire life or anything like that? Yeah, it was actually, I fell off a balcony when I was 23. Wow. And I landed on my head. And it was during the pandemic and...
That does not explain it. What were you doing? We were all climbing balconies during the pandemic. As a matter of fact, that's the one time no one climbed a balcony. We just stayed in our fucking house. But yeah, you're seeing who else is in other houses. That's where we were having a little pandemic party, which wasn't, you know, I paid the price. Um, yeah.
Yeah, I was dancing on a balcony by myself and I fell off. Oh my God. I was even more top heavy at the time and just went head over heel and fucking, I was in the hospital for a month. Wow. What did they diagnose you for?
I had a little brain bleeding, but I didn't have to get performed. Then I broke my leg, fractured my jaw. You landed on your head and your leg at the same time? My leg broke, and that kind of took the majority of the impact. And then my face went off the concrete. Did you fall backwards or forwards? Forwards and just kind of tipped over. And you did like a full 360, landed on your leg, broke it. Broke it, and then my face hit. So I had all these teeth are fake. I was wondering that. I swear to God, I was wondering that.
I was like, he's got a good smile. Is that why she's with him? Yeah. Your teeth do not match your shirt. Yeah.
That is true. That is a great, great observation. When they pulled him out of a coma, the doctor diagnosed him with, looks like you're too legit to quit. I'm sorry. I love it. Well, Grant, your first time on the show. A great minute. You're leaving with a big kill Tony joke. And I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Thank you so much. The barista.
is hitting the big stage on a Thursday night. Grant Adcock getting a paid gig. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Gonna keep things moving along. I wonder if this is who I think it is. Make some noise for your next comedian. Karen Jones, everybody. It is. Yep. All right. This is actually one of the legends of the show. Here she is, Karen Jones. Wow. Wow.
What happened to a woman's right to choose? I understand why everyone's worked up about it. I had to take a drug test today. And I'm thinking, how come I don't get to choose smoking weed? Why is it only limited to reproductive things? And then I thought of the caveat. Well, some people are okay with abortion as long as it's medically necessary or in the case of rape or incest.
So I'm thinking that should be a carve out for everything I want to do. Well, I'm sorry, but you know, rape and incest. I'm going to get a face tattoo. It's medically necessary because I don't have eyebrows. These are my only tattoos on my forehead. So they were medically necessary and I was a victim of rape and incest. I love saying rape and incest together. It's like soup and sandwiches.
All right, Karen Jones with a rape and incest. Okay, Karen, Karen, Karen, where do we begin? What, with an apology?
You want an apology from me? No, not, I'm kidding. Yeah. I got Sanjay Gupta'd. What does that mean to you? Oh, I'm sorry, CNN'd. Okay. Oh, no, I was listening. What does that mean to you? Oh, I'm sorry. This drug test, you know what the drug test means? It means I can't take drugs. And if I can't take drugs, I can't sleep. So I'm like super tired right now, but I didn't want to miss a Monday.
I love it. Ask me another question, Tony. So you just basically talked about your day? Karen looks like she could have used the coffee between 3 and 6 p.m. I could have. I could have. It was rough. I don't expect an apology. I think you have been nothing but wonderful and provided a great opportunity for me and other people. But why would I apologize? Because that stupid newspaper...
And in your interview on the Rogan show, they were just, Joe Rogan was reading what the paper wrote, that I stormed a line. Was that when I was on an episode of Rogan? I talked about how you got in trouble for storming the Capitol on January 6th? No!
So she's been on this show before. Let me catch you all up real quick. She's been on this show before. Long interview. We were having so much fun. And I finally let her go after a long interview. And she goes, but Tony, that's not even the most interesting thing about me. I go, well, what is? And she goes. Came on the show. That's not what you said. She goes, I stormed the Capitol on January 6th. There's a newspaper article about me.
I said that the newspaper accused me of that. Right, and you said you can neither confirm nor deny that you were in Nancy Pelosi's office on that day. No, no, no, no, no. I can deny that. But anyway. A patriot, someone says. There she is. This is it. Welcome to Texas, folks.
Yeah, it's crazy that I could get drunk right now, but I can't smoke weed. But why? Why are you being drug tested? Because I trespassed, allegedly. Allegedly. The Capitol on January 6th is what they're saying. Does anyone feel like they slid into her Instagram thread and is just reading, I can't sleep, rape and incest.
I stormed the Capitol. I would have opened with stormed the Capitol. I am so shocked I'm standing next to one of them. You should be. You guys are like great white sharks. We never see you. Exactly. That's right. Exactly. Exactly. I would have opened with I stormed the Capitol. Yes. And that is like dropping a big dick in an orgy. Yep. Everyone's like, well, hold on. Someone's talking. Oh.
It is true. You beat around the bush here, but everybody wants that fucking thunder. So keep us posted. What's been going on with that? So we mentioned it on Rogan. Then they charge you with something after that? No. No.
The story is exactly upside down. I was arraigned on December 14th, but I knew I was being arrested because they're very public that they're going to arrest everybody. And so I came on here so you guys would know more truth about it, not just see that crazy violent loop. It was mainly the old ladies that stand with flags in front of vet halls.
What? No, no, let her go. You're right. You were misunderstood. Keep going. We saw the wrong footage. That is exactly right. That's what you're fucking saying. Wait, I have a question. When they tried to arrest you for storming the Capitol, did you just say, like, rape and incest? Yeah.
That's a good one. I should have used it. I wish I would have got on my feet like that. That was good. But they didn't try and arrest me. They said they were issuing arrest warrants. I knew it was coming. So I came and put my name in the bucket and blah, blah, blah. You came and put your name in the bucket here? Yes. Right. Okay. So why are they drug testing you?
And for how long does that last? I don't know. It's supposed to be random, but I went in Friday, then I dialed the number. I had to go in again today. So what happens if you smoke marijuana? What happened? What did they tell you? What happens if you fail a drug test for storming the Capitol? Is this what they did to the people? Like, all right, you just can't smoke pot for a few months. No, no, no, no. It's on OR and it's the conditions of my release that I have to do drug testing and
and be monitored, and four misdemeanor, two trespassing, one, this is my favorite one, the parading. Oh, they call it parading. That's the third charge, and the fourth one is interfering with government or something. Or something. They're all misdemeanors. She's balls dead accurate on parading, but the heavy of the felony she gets on.
It's like trying to kill... I don't know what her... Wow. But you don't know when it ends? You don't know what the... No, I know my next date is March 5th, and then I don't know what the process is. You just keep going to court, paying lawyers, and showing up so you stay out of jail. Like a patriot. Apparently. Hey, if you guys had done it properly like Lennon did...
It's the same fucking shit. Read history books. So let me ask you this. Is there anything that you would have done differently on that day in retrospect on January 6th? Well, in retrospect, I wouldn't have asked my husband if he wanted to go in.
You're the one that kind of led you two in there? Well, he had never been before. Well, no. There was a lot of people that haven't been inside the Capitol during business hours. No, it's...
It was the middle of the day and it was the backside of the entrance and everybody coming out looked nice and happy. They're wearing the same thing I was wearing. They're, you know, red, white, and blue. No, this is what I was wearing. You can look at the pictures on my restaurant. Yes, I was wearing... This is my fleece. Allegedly... Well, no, there's pictures of me in this. Oh, yeah. I love it. Represent. Make America gray again.
I'm tired. Okay. Well, Jesus, get out of here then. There she goes. Karen Jones, everybody. She's tired. There she goes, everybody. All right. Yeah, let's do that. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go to one of your regulars, everybody. A legend of the game. I present to you a brand new minute from the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. Thank you.
I was thinking about a traumatizing thing that happened in my life. And one of them was, I was 15 years old when I went to my first strip club. And the person that took me was my cousin, Natron. Now whoever you see when I say Natron, that's that nigga, dog. My uncle looked at his newborn baby boy and was like, mm-hmm, Decepticon.
That's crazy as fuck, dog. He gonna be two things in life, an NFL player or a prisoner. And Natron was both. So right when he got his first NFL contract, it was, we were tipping to the strip club. And I'm gonna tell y'all some real shit. Any strip club, like the 15-year-old in that strip club was not a good place for anybody. And the strippers were so excited to see me. They was very happy to see me. And they was doing a whole bunch of sexual shit to me, but like in a childish way. Like, they was like blowing raspberries on my dick.
I came twice. It was crazy. That's my time. Appreciate it. Wow, wow, wow. Yeah, yeah.
Yes. Cool. One of the great regulars of the show with a brand new minute. Can I say something? Yeah. So I was at the improv in Hollywood. We did a show together. Yeah. And I didn't know who you were. I'm sorry. Right? But I was like, I asked people around. I go, who is this guy? He's from Kill Tony. So I stayed to watch. You fucking rocked that house. You were also the last guy. You had to follow heavyweights. Yeah. You killed it, dude. Thank you so much. Yeah, man. So...
I don't touch black people, but I do. Now, the funniest part, somebody in the crowd, when you bring me up, they just yell, gang violence. You're like, yeah, he's black. Yeah, he's black. How'd you know that? How'd you know he was black? That's crazy. This is the first we're hearing of Natron. Yeah, my cousin Natron. My goodness. It's amazing. You have so many of these references and stories. I've never heard of Natron before. Does he live in... No, he live in Tampa.
Where? He live in Tampa. Tampa. Tampa. Okay. I grew up in Tampa and I know black guys from Tampa. Yeah. Yeah.
I thought for sure he was saying temple there. I thought maybe he was at a Jewish synagogue of some kind. But no, Tampa is where Natron lives. What's Natron up to nowadays? What does a guy like Natron do for a living? He doing good, man. He own like a bouncy house business right now. Bouncy house business? He doing great. There's a lot of money in that. Hold on, there's a lot of money in that. Yeah, because you buy it
and then you pay dues 50 bucks a day to set it up. And to buy it's cheap and you can rent it out for 500 bucks a day. It's a good business. Wow. It's a really good fucking business. Wow. I didn't know Bert was in the bouncy house business. I had two daughters. I still have them, but I have two daughters.
It's a great deal. For a day, you rent one of those bouncy, especially the wet, the slip and slide ones. That shit, hell yeah. Fuck yeah. That's $7.50. That's $7.50. That's extra. Extra for the water, you know what I mean? Yeah. I would love it if you would include the bouncy house stuff in the act. That's really good. Hell yeah. Yeah, you can add that to the Natron stuff.
And you and him have been close for a long time? Yeah, well, he like my cousin's cousin. Your actual cousin, I do believe that means. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Second cousin. Wait, wait. That's what that means? No, no, he my real cousin. Cousin's cousin. That's my cousin's cousin. I mean, I knew him my whole life.
So, like, when he says cousin, that could mean a friend of more than, like, a year. But if it's a cousin-cousin, that means that it is your uncle or aunt's child. That's my first cousin's cousin. What? Oh, that's his second cousin. Right. Yep, Bobby was right. They don't get to say dad, so they say cousin a lot. That's good, that's good. Yeah.
That's not cool, but... No, that's hilarious. Thank you, thank you. I take that appreciation coming from you. You're funny as fuck. Is Natron's dad in his life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't bounce? Nah. What's a real cousin, then? Like, if you were to say, like, a real cousin. My first cousin. That my cousin. That my cousin. Redman, you're Joe Rogan's producer-producer. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
- Yeah, fuck you man. - I wanna take this kid on the road with me. - Yeah, he's amazing. - I swear to God, you're funny as fuck. - He is a fucking killer on the road. You just worked with Shane Gillis this weekend for the first time. - Yeah, that shit was fun. - Yeah, amazing, right? - We was in Peoria and St. Louis, that shit was crazy, dog. - Yeah. - I saw snow for the first time.
- Hell yeah. - Oh wow. - I was frolicking and shit, it was crazy. - You were frolicking? - I was frolicking, nigga. I was finna make a snow angel, but I got down, it was cold as shit, so I got up, but it was fun, dog. I really enjoyed that shit, man. It was a good time, bro. - Hell yeah. - That shit was fun, bro. - Okay, one more bad joke. When black guys make a snow angel, do you make it like this? - If you didn't get it, that's supposed to be a dead body.
I fucking love this kid. He's amazing, I'm telling you. I wish my son was black. You could adopt me, nigga. My dad can't spell. An absolute fucking superstar. An absolute sensation.
We love you, Cam. You're a fucking... You're a star, dude. You're a fucking star. Big stuff happening all the way around. One of the best top Young Rising comedians in the world. One more time for Cam Patterson. Boom. Did it again. All right. Bobby's going to go pee-pee real quick. Aw.
And we're bringing up somebody from the inside, everyone. So this is one of your people, one of your representatives. They are inside the audience. That usually means it's a first timer. We'll see what happens. Make some noise for Carlos Lopez, everybody. Let's see. We have movement on a Carlos Lopez. Is that Carlos? Is this Carlos, the big guy in the middle?
Oh yeah, here he comes every... Oh, nope, that's a guy going to the bathroom. Anybody see a Carlos Lopez? Nothing? How's that possible? What? Whoever that is yelling from the back, come tell a producer. The great Liz Splatt coming in with some information. Hey, look at this creep that's not Carlos Lopez. All right, here he is.
Taking a long time, everybody. Perhaps more tired than Karen Jones right now he might be. We having fun out there? One more time for Carlos Lopez, everyone. Well... The back part of my dick is more dangerous than the front.
Not because it's big or nothing, but that means my stomach's pressing on you. It gets hard to breathe. So I haul horses for a living, and I found myself up in Chicago making friends with thugs like one should. And I was deep in the conversation before I realized I don't think smoking pigs in Chicago is the same as it is in South Texas. Gang, gang. Yeah!
Thank you. Wow. A real Texas gentleman, Carlos Lopez, making his Kill Tony debut. Am I correct? Yes, sir. Wow. Look at you. Nice, calm swagger. I mean... Nervous as shit. Wow. I wouldn't be able to guess. You seem fucking cold, calculated, and under control. You got the fucking belt buckle representing the rock solid hat. I mean, you look like Bulls Ride U.
And they still can't stay on. Goddamn right. I don't think anybody's lasting eight seconds on that. Wow, look at you, a real man. Holy shit. Goddamn, this is absolutely incredible. How does one become as manly as you? I grew up in South Texas, I guess. Even the women are manly down there. All right.
Some of the women are some of the toughest young men you ever meet. - Carlos, you're funny as hell. How long you been doing standup? - It's my first time ever. - No fucking way. No fucking way. No way. No way.
This very well may be the best first time performance of anyone ever in the history of the show. We've debuted so many comedians here. So many first times. This is incredible. How long have you been planning for this in your head? Fuck, probably since I was a kid. Wow, how old are you? 29. Oh my God, you're 29? Yeah.
Holy shit. Hey, but I fuck like I'm 16. I look 46. Wow. Oh, my goodness. That is incredible. You are a fucking machine. This is unbelievable. And you haul horses? I haul horses for a living, yes, sir. Wow. So, like, the little horse carriage things with the horses? No? You're saying no already. I haul horses, like, in a big truck, an 18-wheeler.
Wow. Oh, I think I hear them now. No, that's my ex-wife. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Carlos Lopez is a fucking natural. Dude.
This is an epic first time on stage, brother. This is really something else for a first timer. I mean, this is exactly what the show is built for. Someone like you. Absolutely amazing performance. Have people always told you that you're a funny guy? Only in prison. Were you in prison before? No, no, just juvie. I never went back after juvie. What did you get put in juvie for? Oh, shit. Yeah. That's the head tilt that says fucking a goat.
Yeah, for sure. That's a goat fucking head tilt if I've ever seen one. Hey, you're the one fucking this goat. I'm just wearing the boots. Oh my goodness. Yeah. It was a, uh, a cumulonimbus.
That's my stage name. I love it. All right, all right. Red Band's going crazy over here. He's very excited. Horses and trucks and uh-oh. He's making noises with his mouth for the first time ever. Uh-oh. Didn't know you could do a horse walking impression like that. Oh my, there you go. Very good. I'm kind of shy.
Okay. So tell us some more about the life of Carlos Lopez. What else have you been doing? I've been hauling horses since I was like 21. Yeah, hauling horses. Worked in the oil field before that. You were in the oil field. Look at you. Oh, my goodness. You are just a real fucking man. You have a lot of chest hair? I do. Yeah, yeah. I got all the taco meat. Hold on. Oh, my God. Look at that. Oh, my God.
I've been growing it since I was a little girl. Oh my God. Wow. Tony's in love. I am. He's blushing and everything. I am. I really am. I want to get on top of the old Brokeback Mountain over here. Well, looking for you, this ain't a mustache. It's a saddle. Well, you know what? Well, you know what? I think we could trade belt buckles tonight. You know what I'm saying?
I ain't bumping buckles. I'm sorry, bud. Wait, what? They call it bumping buckles. That's right. That's right. With a buckle bunny. Absolutely. Let's fucking go. Wait, can I ask you a really tactical question? I just have always wondered this. When you're driving horses and you stop short, do they all fall? Yeah, they'll fall, break their legs and stuff. You got to be real careful. I think that all the time. Yeah, me too.
that's all people cut me off i put my gun out so don't do it again wow allegedly allegedly has that ever happened have you ever had to stop like really hard
Mainly on the Florida Torn Pack, yeah. Wow. My goodness. Those people don't know how to drive in Florida. Now let's talk about your love life because seriously, you seem like you could walk up to any fucking woman in the world and have a chance at stealing them away from a man. Do you have any special lines that you say with women or something like that? Howdy. Oh, that's it? That's all day? I just came in my pants for the first time since my first hangout with Little Esther. Thank you.
I feel like he's got an answer for everything. He does. Let's be the woman hitting back on him. I want to see how quick he is. Okay. Okay. Who should be the woman here? I'm very excited about this. I'll do it. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do it. I like acting, if you know what I mean. Oh, my God. Look at that thing he just did with his hair. You are a fucking... Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.
How you doing? Oh, you're asking me? Oh, he's playing hard to get. I was cute. Hi. Howdy. Do you come here often or do you wait until you get home? He's too good.
You know, my boyfriend's out of town. I was wondering, maybe you'd come back to my place and... Howdy. Hey, Bobby, welcome to this improv. Oh.
I'd like to introduce you to her Asian friend, Babi. Oh, you're doing a scene? Yeah. We're all heading off. Start over. Start over. I want to be done. Okay, okay. What do I play? What do I play? The Asian chick. Yeah, you're going to be an Asian chick. Wait a minute. I got it. Okay. Have you ever had sex with an Asian chick before? No, but I heard the crippled feet look better behind the ears. Oh, my God.
Oh. My. God. My mom does that! I remember. What is happening? God damn it! Holy shit, sorry mom. Lord, I'm sorry Bobby, I didn't mean that. It's alright man. Wait, you play the Asian, he'll play the redneck.
Can I hear, I just said you, can you do an Asian accent? No. Yeah, you can. We all can. Okay, you get a free pass. You get a free pass from me. Where's Hans at? Where is he? He said good. He said good. Just repeat after me. Hello. Hello. I sound like a goddamn motorboat. Hello, motor. Hello, my name, what? Sorry. Hello, my name is who? My name is who?
My name is who? Oh, I thought you were telling me. No! Repeat after me! Oh, well, fucking say it. Hello. Hello. My name is who? My name is who? Carlos who? Carlos who? Very good. That's very good. Now you're canceled. Ha ha! That's amazing. If you would have made me guess which bucket pool stormed the Capitol, I would have guessed you, Carlos. Ha ha ha.
It turns out you weren't there. You were hauling horses on January 6th, doing what you do. You do that like five days a week? Is that a full-time job? Yeah, I stay out on the road probably a month, a couple weeks. Wow. Wow. Incredible. I was just on Sunset Boulevard. I hauled horses from Sunset Boulevard the other day. Wow. What are you doing with horses on Sunset Boulevard? Where are they going? There's a little farm there I picked a horse up from. Wow.
I've hauled horses anywhere and everywhere. Saddle ranch? Bobby Lee. Hi. I just want to let you know I was taking a shit and I ran into your wife. She watched. But she said, get Burt off the stage because you guys are on a date and she's really mad. All right, I'm leaving. She's not mad, but we are on a date. We are on a date. I got to play. No, fuck you. Fuck you.
Bobby! - Oh. - Bert Kreischer, everybody! We love you, Bert. Thank you so much for swinging by. Catch him on tour absolutely everywhere. Doing fucking football stadiums and the whole damn thing. - Well, me, Tom, and Bert are gonna do a huge show soon, so you'll see. - Oh, okay. - It's gonna be great. I'm opening.
I love it. Carlos, I am mesmerized by your unbelievable, natural, God-given fucking talent here tonight. I think you're putting on a clinic for being yourself and owning the moment. I appreciate that. I'm just going to put it to you this way. Next time you're ready for another minute, I'm just going to have you back when you want. Yes!
So you just let me know when you're done hauling horses and ready to sling some more jokes. We'll be waiting for you. This is the very rare big joke book on a first time performance. He popped his cherry. Carlos goddamn Lopez has entered the Kill Tony universe. A true gentleman. Thank you, Carlos. Absolutely. How about one more time for Carlos Lopez, everyone? That was cool. That was amazing.
you know what dude i just saw how important this show is that's great dude he just made his day dude his life yeah he's in cloud nine now dude yep amazing thank you amazing thank you aren't you glad you came and no
Pull another name out of the bucket. As you've seen tonight, anything can happen. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Jack Schwartz, everyone. Jack Schwartz. Drugstore Jew now February 23rd in select theaters. Jack Schwartz. Hey. I just wrote that. That's new. Okay. You guys want to hear some fun facts? Okay. Fun fact. Turkeys can blush.
Isn't that cute? Another fun fact, I'm pretty sure scientists are flirting with turkeys, bro. Why do we know that? How did that experiment happen? Just somebody walking up to a bunch of turkeys, he's like, the turkeys are like, oh my God, stop. I can't with you. I hope that's where that experiment ends. I don't want to hear more. I don't want to hear a month from now, fun fact, turkeys put out, bro.
You can fuck turkeys. A lot of people say turkeys are dry meat. Not when I'm done with it.
Jack Schwartz, welcome to the show, Jack. Thank you. This is your first time on, correct? It is, yeah. Absolutely. You are the opposite of Carlos Lopez. We went from a real man to a little boy. How old are you? Thank you. I'm 30. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Literally the opposite. Yeah. Isn't that like the same age as Carlos? What did he say, 29? Oh my God. I'm older than that guy. My dad would just...
You're older than that grown man that was just on. He left on a horse in that. I saw him do it. It was crazy. Incredible. Yeah, you look like you're Matt Rife's opener or something like that. Yeah. Yeah, I got a lot of those loaded up, ready to go, to be honest. You want to hear some of my TikTok comments? They're rough. What? Just.
Just, I get that a lot. Matt Rife with AIDS. Yeah. Matt Rife if he melted. Things like that. A lot of that. Yeah. It feels good. Ugly Matt Rife. Nice. Yeah.
There you go. Yeah. Yeah, we need those too. Esther? No, I also am getting like an Andy Samberg vibe from you a little bit in a nice way. Jewish. Yeah. It started like I didn't want to like you because you look handsome and like people are nice to you. But it was, that was good. It was good. Thank you.
- Wow. Thanks, I think mostly. That was amazing. - You're one of the ugliest white dudes I've ever seen. - Yeah. - I hate it. - Thank you, Bobby. - I hate your face. - Can I just say something right now, dude? You know what I like about you? - What's that? - You're confident. You didn't get a laugh before the action.
up but you committed to the act out you know that whole part right yeah and that's what i knew i was like you know i'm comfortable with this guy the bit was clean too which i liked dude it was clever i was it's sexual at the end a little bit but yeah i thought it was cute and i thought it was good and i think uh i like you man thank you very much i love it how long you been doing you're killing you're doing great how
You gave yourself a standing ovation there. It was incredible. This is your big moment, Bobby. How long? Whoa, whoa, whoa. The whole thing gets turned around. There he goes. He fucked it up. Once a gong. Once a gong. Once a gong.
There you go. Two gongs don't make a right. All right. So, Jack, how long have you been doing stand-up? About four years. Four years. Do you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? I was a paramedic for like six years. Oh. Yeah, people don't like to hear that at shows, but... Yeah. Okay, okay. Jesus, relax. I guess he's white. I guess that means. He's a white paramedic. What's the craziest thing you saw while being a paramedic? Oh, God.
Some of that's not as funny, to be honest. But I will say, one time a woman, okay, I showed up on scene and this guy had one of those retractable car antennas shoved through his neck, just missing his jugular there. And we were talking to him for like 20 minutes and his wife's there and she's in a panic. She's like, this is crazy. And eventually we're like, who stabbed you? And he goes, it was this bitch. She points to his wife.
So I was like, oh, cool. Wow. Yeah. That was like my third day. My goodness. Yeah. Was the radio still playing? Was the reception good? Yeah. He opened his mouth and the Friends theme song came on. It was crazy. All right. Very good. What else about you would we be surprised to know, Jack Schwartz? Are you Jew? I am Jew. Okay.
That came out wrong. No, I think it was perfect. Are you Jewish? How Jewish are you? What? How Jewish are you? Like, um... Like, I'm atheist, essentially, if that makes sense. You know what I mean? But, like, I eat, like, capers on shit. Okay. All right. I don't know if this audience understood. About 45% there? Yeah. Capers, I don't understand where that factors in. It's a Jewish thing. It's not. You don't think of it? No.
Okay, well, my dad lied. I don't know. Are both your parents Jewish? My mom is half Jewish. My dad's full Jewish and I was never mitzvahed. So being Jewish is more like a cuisine. Oh, 75%. That's what my baby will be. Oh, okay. So that's good to know. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you. Your baby's going to end up like this. Yeah. Out here talking about turkey business. Ah.
What's your love life like? I'm in a relationship. Okay. What does she do? She's a comic. Whoa. Has she done the show? No. She's in the waiting room hoping to make it up and it doesn't seem good. She signed up? She did, yeah. Okay, what's her name? Matilda Epstein. Matilda Epstein. Go grab Matilda Epstein. Thank you.
I've always said that I've wanted an Epstein on this show before. I've never gotten one. They're gonna go grab her.
Okay, how long have you two been together? Like three years. Three years? How long has she been doing stand-up? About the same, like within a month. Okay. It's not going to work. I'll tell you why, because when comics get together, right, once one starts blowing up, there's friction. Yeah. Yeah, so... Also, it's hard. Only one person can be the star. You don't want two stars. Okay. Sorry. Well, she's like really pretty, but...
And I'm just like, what the fuck? I just kind of feel like if it was one of us, you know? Okay. That's too sad. It's not funny, but we'll see. Wow. Is she related to Jeffrey Epstein? I don't really, I don't know. You never asked? I don't ask. I've just been waiting. You've been with her for three years and you never popped the question? Well, you just kind of wait for a vacation opportunity that hasn't come, you know what I mean? Yeah.
I mean, that would have been my first question to Matilda. Is she related to the famous Epstein that probably like at some point everybody talks about every day, but maybe not. Is Epstein a very popular Jewish last name? Yeah. I know the Steen is, but I don't know if the app. They're out there. Under tunnel and like in tunnels and stuff like that. There you go. There you go.
There's good Epsteins and there's good Weinsteins too, okay? Yeah. I like it. Yep, the Berenstain Bears. We love them. Shel Silverstein. There you go. Is she ready? Where is she? They're grabbing her. They're grabbing Matilda right now. Are they ready? Let's bring her out. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted. Stand in front of the drums over there. Take a step that way.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony debut of Matilda Epstein, everybody. Here we go. She's hot! 60 seconds uninterrupted for Matilda. Come on, make some noise, everybody. Oh my god! Oh my god! I don't know anyone here. They look great. Oh yeah, I guess I know him.
My friend's dog ate all of my antidepressants recently. So I'm doing really well, thank you so much for asking. She was really mad at me. She was like, "How could you leave these out? "You could have killed them." I'm gonna kill myself. That is what they were for. The dogs are thriving. They've actually never been better.
They're texting their friends back. They're making their beds in the morning. They do have trouble reaching orgasm, but that's okay. I'm just kidding. Don't worry. It's still super easy to make them come. I don't know. I don't know. Wow. She's better than you. She's better than you. Fuck her. That's the story.
Yeah. We see who wears the funny pants in this relationship. Your boyfriend's out here talking about, oh, the turkeys are blushing. And you're just out here crushing. This is incredible. Esther Pavitsky. No, you guys
a cool comedy couple. Like I'm impressed. I think this could work. You could stay together. Are you rooting for us? Yeah, I'm rooting for you. No, that was really funny. That was really fun. And I liked how it was long and like it kept going and taking different directions, but all one bit. Like that's hard to do. That was really good. Yeah. Jews are really good at stretching something out when they have it. Getting their money's worth. A lot of bang for your buck. You know what I mean?
So I'm going to ask the question that your boyfriend somehow has never asked. Are you any relation to Jeffrey Epstein? No, I wish. No. So do I. That'd be so sick. That'd be a great interview. Yeah. Where are you originally from? Maryland. Maryland. Yeah. Okay. Did you start in Austin or Maryland? D.C.,
Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, we're from D.C. Oh, you guys are both from D.C.? So you guys met each other in D.C. and moved out here? No, we live in D.C. Oh, you guys still live in D.C.? Mm-hmm. Oh, wow. Yeah, we're just visiting. Get the fuck out of here. Just crash in. Oh, wow, that's great. So you guys moved out, came out here just to see if we can get on Kill Tony. That's amazing. How long are you guys in town for? Till tomorrow. Oh, you fly back tomorrow? Unless you want me to stay forever.
No, we fly back tomorrow. You go back tomorrow. She has stuff she needs to get back to. She has dogs that need their antidepressants waiting for them. Very interesting. How long were you guys here for? Since Saturday. Okay. So you came in on Saturday. Literally, you came in hoping to get on Kill Tony? Well, yeah, we hung out. We went to the Museum of Weird. Oh, okay. If anyone would like to spend $20, it's a good place to do it.
Wow. Rare Jewish wanting to spend money. Jesus. Amazing. You guys are breaking stereotypes down. What antidepressant are you on? Well, buterin. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's hard to come. Yeah. Did you have to stop for, I went off. It was hard to take pills cause I was nauseous, but yeah, I need it. I miss my Lexapro. Well, we'll welcome you back into the community. Thank you. Did you find that being pregnant, uh,
Made your chemicals like normal? No. Oh, okie dokie. Pulls out a knife slowly. I miss weed a lot. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah, no doubt about it. It'll be soon. When's the baby due? End of March. End of March. Yeah. There you go. Oh, thank you. That's a girl.
It's a girl. It's a girl. Maybe Matilda. You can name it Matilda after Matilda Epstein. Epstein. I do like that name. Do you like your name? I do, yeah. It's pretty. It's like pretty in an ugly way, which as an ester, I relate. I think you should name the baby after her. I think you should name it Epstein-Pavitsky. Wah! Wah!
I'm cold. Someone give me a blanket. Yes, very good. That is indeed an actual baby cry. I love it. You guys have any plans on making children anytime soon? Do you want them to get you pregnant or marry you or anything like that? I just want to make it uncomfortable for a second. I have like $40. Okay. Wow. Wow.
Concentrate on stand-up. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys are a very, very funny couple. I've run out of big joke books to give out. We don't have any extra anywhere, right? There's not like a different backlog, but you guys can split this into two pieces. Wow. Okay, now we have to get married. Oh, there you go. Look at that. Catch the big book. Here's another one. You have a second shot at it. Here's a little one. Boom. There you go. Matilda Epstein and...
And Jack Schwartz, everybody. Thank you, guys. All right.
Very special treat for y'all right now. There is a golden ticket winner here in Austin, Texas that is ready to perform a brand new minute for you. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from one of the great golden ticket winners of the history of the show. Make some noise for Martin Phillips, everybody. Here we go.
Cool. What's up? Hey. Yeah, okay. You know, I don't like it that they call Big Bird Big Bird. You know, you don't think he's a rare, he's an abnormally sized bird, you know? You don't think he's seen other birds and been like, what the fuck? I'm a monster. Oh my God. It's...
It's just, his name is a reminder of the curse he bears. Anyway, I was at a coffee shop today. I went to the bathroom. They had a sign that said, don't flush anything except toilet paper. I was like, oh man, what am I going to do with all this shit? My God. Damn.
Oh my god.
God damn. You are so good at this. Every single time is incredible. Thanks, thanks. You spit on me. I do spit a lot when I talk. That's true. Whatever you call it. It's not contagious.
Bobbing Lee
Or wobbly-ly, perhaps. Wobbly-ly. All right. I love it. Martin, you are fucking unbelievable. You know, everybody busts our balls. Oh, the handicapped person, golden ticket winner, and time after time after time, people like you and fucking Jared Nathan and the late, great Michael Lair. You guys...
are so fucking funny all the time. It's absolutely incredible. What's your writing process? I mean, I'd imagine it's very fucking short. I don't know. I'm digital. I do all my film. I already be able to read it. Yeah. You got Siri working overtime for you. Yeah.
That's amazing, man. You are so good at stand-up comedy. What else have you been up to? You've been in Austin now? You live here full-time? Yeah, I live here full-time. Been around different spots and whatnot. South Austin represent. Oh, yeah. Represent. Hell, yeah. Off of Congress? Old Dorf. Oh, shit. Motherfucking Old Dorf? Yeah.
Old Torb? Yeah. The 270? Okay. I love it. I just want to say, I've read that sign a thousand million times, like, don't flush anything besides toilet paper. I've never,
never once has that joke come, like that's so brilliant and for it to be something that's so everyday and you had this crazy take on it is really impressive. Brilliant. Absolutely. I literally took a huge shit and then saw it on the side. I was like, oh crap. And it was inspired by true events. It did happen. So,
Martin Phillips. So funny. Now, are you making a full-time living off of stand-up? Not quite yet. You're still substitute teaching? Yeah, I've still in the schools and whatnot, but I'm getting more gigs out, so hopefully I don't have to fucking go back. Get out of there. It'll be done. Where are you originally from again?
D.C., Virginia. D.C., Virginia area. Yeah, we got nothing coming up around there. That's fun. Martin, I think you're so, so talented every single time that you come on. I mean, you are unbelievable. What's the longest set?
you think you can do? Well, I actually, without to plug anything, but I am headlining a few clubs back home in D.C., Baltimore, Virginia, so I'll do... When is that? So that's like, it's like mid-February. So...
Here are the dates, everybody. Yeah. Where can people get tickets for that? Martin Phillips Comedy? If you're on Instagram, it's all like my bio. Click the link. And what's your Instagram handle? Oh, it's just Martin Phillips Comedy. Martin Phillips Comedy with two L's? Yes, two L's. Okay. Two L's. Very good. Yeah, yeah. You're shaped like an L, so that works. Yeah.
I love it. I love it. Yeah. Now, DC is a political place. Do you lean to the right? I think I made that joke before, but it's just so good I can't help myself. Martin, I want to do more stuff with you in the future, and I also think you're so funny on your feet, no pun intended.
but I want you to come do a show here tomorrow that's all improvised. You pull premises out of a bucket. It's called Bottom of the Barrel, the late show. Have you done it before? No, I've heard of it. You're going to do it tomorrow night, 10.30 at the Mothership. He's on it. Martin Phillips, everybody. Unbelievable stuff, Martin.
All right, we're going long. This is our final bucket poll of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Reid Conklin, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Reid Conklin. I met a hot girl on 6th Street the other day, and she was, like, really into me. So I knew something was up with her. Finally, after talking to her for over an hour, I realized that this woman is homeless.
So I took her home. What was she gonna say, no? I'm just mad I didn't notice it sooner. Like I should have seen the signs. I mean she was literally holding a sign. It ended up being some of the best sex I've ever had though. Once I got past the smell. She was a freak. This woman put the hoe in hobo. And not once did she ask me for change. But I did. On the inside. I now have a UTI. I burned for this woman.
I think we could all change. Change our view of the homeless and actions speak louder than words. So instead of saying fuck the homeless, start fucking the homeless. Thank you. All right, Reid Conklin. Welcome to the show. This is your first time here, right? Yes. I'd remember if I'd seen you before. You look like a giant sperm. You do. You do. You have a long arm. You have a tiny head for such long arms.
You a swimmer? I swim, yes. I bet. You must be un-fucking-believable. You're like aerodynamic. Look how long your arms are. It's very bizarre. You know you're strangely built. Thank you. Okay, you're welcome. Jesus.
All right. Reed, how long have you been doing stand-up? A couple years. Okay. What do you do for a living? I'm a traveling street performer. Okay. What do you do on the street? So like a circus-style show. Juggle? I can juggle. I do like, yeah, I juggle. Can we get a few, can we get some limes from the service bar? Let's see. Maybe some lemons. Lemons are a little bit easier to see maybe, right? Okay. What are you, where are you fucking, why are you doing that? Oh, I can juggle. I mean, I mean, I mean.
You don't think we would have you juggle on a show that's live? Yep, you're right. We're live hands, you lemons. We're trying to squeeze some talent out of you here. What else can you do? You just juggle? I can do a handstand. Let's see a fucking handstand while we're waiting for the lemons. How many of you want to see him do a fucking handstand? I love it. He pretends like I'm not going to ask him to do this shit. What?
Oh, shit. Okay. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Wow. Look at that. A very serious man. Okay. What else do you do in your street performing? I do a lot of whip cracking these days. Whip cracking? Yeah, yeah. Whoa. John D's...
Not excited. - Whoa. - My goodness. - Read the room, you know? - What are you cracking with these whips? - So, I can juggle 'em and crack 'em at the same time, like three whips, and then there's like two-handed whip cracking and just kind of making beats and stuff. - Okay, put the mic in the mic stand. Give me some juggling music, guys. Here we go. I'm just gonna throw you some lines. Here we go, you ready?
All right, start juggling and I'll keep throwing them to you. You want more? Oh, shit. All right. Oh, shit. Oh, whoa. All right, keep juggling. Here's one more. Can you juggle four? Whoa. Hell yeah. This guy gets all the homeless pussy. You want another one? You got another line? Uh-oh.
a hand for Christy, everybody. We got another line here. We got a lot of lines. You'll be amazed with how many lines you can afford with a Spotify deal. Wow. Look at that. That's right. You can keep those. I don't think we're going to feed them to people after this.
Fucking homeless people being a street performer. You get to keep those lines. Thank you. What else would we be surprised to know about you, Reed Conklin? I'm from Key West, Florida. Ah. Ah. Ah. Okay. What else? What are you, fucking Carmen Sandiego over here? What's going on? Key West, Florida. Find it on a map. I've been to 50 countries. Whoa. What's your favorite?
I like... Thailand. I do like Vietnam. Oh, okay. Quite a bit. Why do you like it? It's just, it was beautiful. Everything's kind of easier to get to. It's small. The food's good. People are nice. Cheap. $2 sucky sucky. All right, Red Band. Red Band. Yeah, he has it. His... His... His soundboard is out of control. Is that your fiancé?
What's that one? What's this one? The young. I get the whole. Wow. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Does this remind you of your time in Vietnam at all? They charged me way more than two. Ah. Inflation.
All right. Reed Conklin. Fun times. What else? Anything else crazy we'd be surprised to know about you? Well, I'm in Texas kind of performing at a fair like three hours east at our Renaissance Festival. Okay. What are you doing at the Renaissance Festival? Doing my whip cracking show. Wow. What do you dress up like? I kind of wear like a piratey shirt.
Yeah, okay. You almost said that you wear like that for a second. It looked like you were going to say... Well, I do wear the pants and then some boots and a pirated shirt. Okay. And a white hood. There is something scary about you at first, but then when I saw you juggle, now I feel safe. Yeah. I do that before I talk to every pretty girl. Oh. Are you blind too?
Well, well, well. Looks like Esther might want the whip cracking. Amazing stuff. Fun set. Here's a little joke book. There you go. There he goes. Reeve Conklin, everybody. Very funny, dude. Aww. Aww. Puts the hoe in hobo. Get the fucking limes, dude. Take the limes. Get the fucking limes. Take the limes. That's his lime, everybody. There he goes. All right.
That was Reed Conklin. It's been a fun episode. You guys ready to put a ribbon on this thing?
Well, I must warn you, there's only one way to do that, ladies and gentlemen. This man, Hall of Famer, has the record for appearances, the record for interviews, some of the most powerful sets in the history of the show. Seems to do it week after week after week. I present to you the Tijuana Tornado, the Sacramento Sultan, the Memphis Strangler, Buffalo Billionaire,
The one, the only, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine. This is William Montgomery. British police are investigating the rape of a 15-year-old girl in the metaverse. And I'm just over here trying to figure out how Bill Clinton was able to squeeze his fat ass in there. LAUGHTER
An Indian tech CEO just died when the wire holding the cage he was being lowered down on during the opening ceremony snapped, causing him to fall and land on his head. Kind of crazy because you'd have thought his turban would have broken the fall. Man, y'all know I don't like Indian people. Silence is violence. Shit, if that's true, I kind of wish my dad would have just given me the silent treatment instead.
Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Boom. All right, all right. The great, the powerful William Montgomery. You know, William, William.
We were in Hawaii together. We were not. We were. We had dinner together. You took me to dinner. You took us to dinner. Dude, honestly, dude, I'm a huge fan. And you're a real gentleman, too. You're a polite guy. You're very talented. I'm just glad that I was here to witness you live. Yeah, well, it's a pleasure to be witnessing you live right now, Bobby. I mean, it's so nice to see you right now. Yeah, I think that deserves a hooty-hoo.
No, y'all started a little too early. Hold on. Maybe on three. One, two, three. No, somebody that sounded weird. Maybe on three. Let's try it one more time. One, two, three. Oh, you made the lights go off with that one. That was exciting. Yeah, that was a powerful one. Deep Madden is fucking right on cue.
Wait, could you tell that the lights just flickered a little, D-Madness? Have you been pulling all of our legs? I'll never tell. Okay. That would be a very long, played-out joke if it was. I've seen this guy really commit. Yeah. Amazing. How about a hand for the great D-Madness? I'm in a fucking legend. So what else has been going on, William?
I'm going to be honest with you right now, Tony. You would be horrified if you could have seen me since Friday. A video game that got me back into video games got remastered. It's called The Last of Us 2, Tony. And I am almost, I've almost been in the game. I've spent 30 hours the past two days doing that. I'm not even kidding. And I'm almost towards the end. So now I'm kind of sad because it's my birthday on Friday and I was planning on...
playing The Last of Us 2 fucking remaster for my birthday, but I've already almost finished it. So, Tony, I don't know what I'm going to do on my birthday this year, man. I don't even know, man. Tony, man, I was fucking planning on playing The Last of Us 2 remaster, and now I don't even know what I'm going to do, man. I'm 37 on Friday, Tony, and now I don't have any... Wow. Well, what are you going to do? Shoot. Um...
I don't know. Maybe play The Last of Us 2 a little bit more. I'm going to be able to save my guns for the next round, so maybe just play that shit again, Tony. And I'm also eating a bunch of Sumo Citrus. I don't know if y'all like Sumo Citrus, but they are actually my newest sponsor. They're really good. Yeah, what is that?
It's a citrus fruit. Yeah, Red Band, I'm sure you're shaking your head, you fucking nasty fat ass. I'm sure you don't know what a fucking fruit is, you sickening piece of shit. Don't come at me, dumbass! Don't talk to me like that, you bitch! Stop acting. It's not genuine when you do it, you pussy. Whenever you talk, you smell like fish. It's not fucking genuine. Everybody knows you're acting, dumbass. Seriously, stop fucking trying to act tough up here, you dumbass. What is that, fish mouth? Are you yelling over him?
What is fish mouth? I mean, are you a fucking idiot? Stop. Oh my God. Fish mouth? Oh, that's a good one, idiot. Red Band's standing up for himself, kind of.
Every time you talk, it smells like fucking pussy that's moldy or something. Stop talking. Oh, that's actually funny. Oh, fish milk. My breast smells like pussy. Oh, good one. I get it now, dumbass. Yeah, drink some more, you fucking nasty alcoholic. Why don't you drink some more soda water, you bitch? Soda water. Huh? I can't even understand. Okay, okay, Redman. I really hope my baby can't hear yet.
What does that mean, bitch? Your baby has no ears, William. Make fun of me, make fun of me. I actually, something did happen to me this past week. I went to a place called Szechuan Garden. I'm sure your people...
Know about that. It's some fucking Asian place and it was fucking nasty as shit. So if anybody lives in Austin, Texas, do not go to Szechuan Garden. Wow. I swear to God, Tony, I get in there. There's only one couple in the entire place. It smells like cleaning supplies right when I get in there and against my better judgment, I got the food and...
It wasn't good. What did you get? What did you order from there? Egg drop soup. It tastes a little too much like eggs for me, Tony. It tastes, I swear to God, the yellow part was like egg yolks or something. So I started off with that, and then I ate this crispy chicken stuff, but it was mainly crispies in the chicken, and I like it a little more chickeny. I hate all the crispies they put...
Some of the Asian places, they put the crispies in there. Red Band was able to find reviews from this place. Literally, this one has 520 likes. It is one star. Probably the most disgusting Chinese food we've eaten in a long time, period. And that includes the buffet at LaGuardia Airport.
I would actually fly to LaGuardia Airport just to eat there again. It was so disgusting, even our dog wouldn't eat it. Oh my God. We went on September 2nd. This is another review. This is a different review completely with 58 agrees.
We went on Saturday, September 2nd, 2023 to try to get something to eat. When we opened the door, a very strong sewage odor almost made us gag. Disgusting. Healthy department should be checking this place. Wow. That's amazing. There was another one star there. Go back to that. Above that. Above that. Above that.
Above that, above that. Oh, there's no stars there. Oh my goodness. Somebody left no stars. I didn't even know you could do that.
Yeah, and I felt like such an idiot because, Tony, I get a lot. I love Cabo Bob's. I'll get that. I've started eating a lot of P. Terry's, Tony. I have to be careful. I'm starting to gain weight again. I'm starting to get at the mindset where I don't give a fuck anymore. And I mean, I'm about to be 37. And the psychic I've been going to told me I'm only living. I'm not. I'm not living past 40. So, Tony, I think I might just start drinking again. I still have the cocaine. Let me tell you, William, there's a there's a beautiful woman that just yelled something. Yell it again.
Hold on, can you say that again? One more time. I can hear you the first time, bitch. Okay, and I just fucking... I blocked that out, you stupid bitch. I'm having a pretty good fucking time up here tonight, and I swear to God, Tony, I just blocked it out of my stupid head.
I love watching Esther's reaction to the chaos that is William Montgomery. Just wondering why it's funny that you called a woman a stupid bitch. Yeah, I mean, who knocked your ass up, bitch? I mean, that's what I've been fucking wondering ever since I got up here, bitch! It's almost my fucking birthday! What are you going to do for your birthday? Woo!
Probably never stop playing The Last of Us 2 Remaster. I'm probably not. I never gonna stop playing. William, you're an absolute god on this show. We fucking love you. Thanks so much, Tony. Nice to be here. Every single week.
Make some goddamn noise for the big red machine, William Montgomery. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. That's showing on your YouTube right now. Guys, Drugstore June out February 23rd in select theaters. Tell them about the movie. I want to say just one quick thing. First of all, Bobby is amazing in the movie. It is about one of my ex-boyfriends, not one of you guys. Don't worry, that'll be the next one. Uh-oh.
But it's a movie that has a lot of comics, podcasters. Miss Pat. Trevor Wallace. Bill Burr. Trevor Wallace. And it's kind of, we made it outside of Hollywood. It's kind of independent. And so we'd love if you'd come out and support it. And all of our friends, you'll recognize...
If you're a true comedy fan, you will recognize a lot of people in it and it'll be very fun. I love it. I also want to say I am so proud of Tony. When I first met him, he did not have a bank account. It's true. And I dragged him into Chase and they were refusing to give this man a bank account. It's true. And I pulled out all my Karen skills and I said, you better give this fucking guy his own bank account because he was cashing his checks at a check cashing place. It's true. Paying 10%.
It drove me crazy. So I'm so proud of him. I'm so proud of Brian. And now we're millionaires, everybody. Isn't that exciting? I'm so proud of you guys. Make some noise for goddamn Esther Pivitsky. Make some noise for Bobby Lee. Make some noise for Bobby Lee.
one more time for the best damn man in the land, the Peterson brothers, Michael Gonzalez. Jetski Johnson's on tour. She's going all around. JetskiJohnson.com for tickets. D Madness, John Dees, The Mortician, Matt Muehling. How about a hand for yourselves for coming out, huh? Hey, San Diego. I'll be there in July doing a weekend at the AmericanComedyCompany.com. Uh-oh.
Raise the ceilings. Red Band's coming to San Diego. And I'm bringing in friends. Uh-oh. There you go. We love you guys. God bless America. Love you. And God bless Texas. Shell Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall of Fame, Oscar.
Awesome security guard service, ninja buses, and connect mobile health. And a special shout out, make some noise for Waze the Well, everybody. The great Denise is here tonight. They keep all your favorite comedians strong and fucking healthy, filled with vitamins. Go to Waze the number two well dot com to change your goddamn life. They take your blood. They let you know what's up with your body. They make you stronger. Good night, everybody. Thank you. We love you. Good night. Woo!
The entire 600 plus episode back catalog of Kill Tony episodes are now available on the audio feed. So go subscribe to the show on your podcast app of your choice to access these episodes.
And follow the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. And like and subscribe on YouTube. Good night, everybody. Thank you. We love you. If you were going to give me a...
Consultation for plastic surgery. That's not what I do here. But just if you were, what do you think you would do to my face? I'd probably start with your mouth. Like lip filler? No, I would sew that sucker shut.
I'm a loser! Your Facebook group is right. I have no life. What did you ever see in this psycho? One, two... Oh, I messed it up. I need a coffee break. You're not even clocked in yet. I haven't been getting paid for any of this. Give me a double macchiato.
I brought you some hot chocolate. Oh, you're interrupting my stream. Okay, bye June Squad. Well, thank you, Chad.
What? Ew! I heard the pharmacy got robbed. What the hell happened in here? What's your name? @foreverJune on everything except snap @JuneForever. No, honey, your real life actual name. June. June. This is not Queen June's private castle. June the Almighty. June? Oh, I got the poor man that ends up with her.
I think I'm gonna start doing some investigatory work. You want a pharmacy here, Rob? I don't watch the news. All I do is smoke weed. Do you feel safe here? I'm gonna have to get you. I'm looking for information. Hey, baby boo. June Squad has a lot of time on their hands. Take it easy. I'll tell you what you want. What are you doing here? I'm collecting evidence. You watch too many movies. You are not a police officer.
Help us out here. God, mugshots are so sexy. Can I take this home? No. You cannot. You got robbed. You got detained. This is very serious. Maybe I should bring him in. Which one of you can deputize me?
Twice a day with food. What a cute TikTok bio.
*Screams*