#649 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + YANNIS PAPPAS
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Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at tonyhinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to sunsetstripatx.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. ♪

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This is Redmayne coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hedgcliffe! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? We're back, motherfuckers.

Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Hi, everybody. Ooh la la. Joui, joui, joui. Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Gel Blaster, The Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, Hall Law Firm, NinjaBuses.com, and Connect Mobile Health, which provides IV drips in case you're ever hung over. And MichaelLair.Threadless.com. They're spreading his ashes this week. The late, great...

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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

a few shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um...

You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

Boy, oh boy, oh boy. Doesn't get much more fun than this. Two of the best comedians on planet Earth. Ladies and gentlemen, how exciting. From some of your favorite movies, from some of your favorite podcasts, from some of your favorite stand-up fucking everything. We got it all here tonight as I present to you the great and powerful Harlan Williams and Giannis Pappas, everybody. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh yeah. Harlan motherfucking Williams. Giannis Pappas back in the mix. Giannis. Welcome, Giannis. Pull out your cell phone. You got some networking to do while you're here. You son of a bitch. Harlan Williams, first time on this show. We wanted him for ten and a half years. We got him here tonight.

Just for the record, first and last, give me a hand, last time on the show. Can I say something real quick before we introduce Yanni's Papas? Yeah.

I want to say it's a special night for me here tonight. My little sister, about three weeks ago, my father, he has anger issues, and he threw a boiling pot of cauliflower cheddar soup in her face, and she had third-degree burns, and I want to say tonight, not only am I doing this, but she's out of the hospital, gang. Yeah! Look at that. Cauliflower cheddar soup. Party time. That's a reason to celebrate.

Giannis, how's your sister doing? I don't have one. She's okay, but my brother's special needs and he's still special needs. I love it. That's also something to be... What kind of special needs is he? He has a brain injury from birth, so it's hilarious. It's real funny. Yeah.

Nothing a good cauliflower soup couldn't cure. Well, yeah. You can't fix those burns that he has. They're there forever. They're on the inside. Well, yeah, they're on the inside. Yep. Yep. There's no cauliflower soup in the world that's going to help that one. Tell that to Freddy Krueger. Look at that guy. His face looks like someone boiled a nut bag on a holiday in Radiator.

We're gonna have fun tonight. Giannis has done this show a few times. Harland, it's your first time. Other than a few regulars that write and perform a new minute every week, we have a bucket absolutely filled with comedians' names. They're hoping to get the opportunity to do 60 seconds on this stage here tonight. And if I pull their name out, they get that. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that just interrupts them. And we start an interview process. I ask them a bunch of questions and then we do whatever we want. We have some fun. If you have any fat comedians, maybe you might want to change this up and get a bucket of chicken. Hello. No doubt about it.

No doubt about that. And there are a lot of fat comedians. You're going to see them here tonight, no doubt about it. But before we get to our first bucket pool of the night, I think it's only right that we start the show the way that we always have, ladies and gentlemen. This man coming off of an extreme

controversial fucking unbelievably controversial victory in an arena to reclaim his position as a regular. Uh,

He won. A lot of people are up in arms about it, but we love him. We do. We fucking love him with all of our hearts. We raised him right here like a little pup. He moved from his van to being an all-around wild success. You guys know the words? This is not a joke.

This is Hans Kim. Ha! This is Hans Kim. Make some noise for Hans Kim! This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Thank you! It's good to be here. My girlfriend recently broke up with me. I guess she was a Rick Diaz fan. Yeah, she broke up with me. I was like, how can you go when you haven't even come?

It's been about a week since she's broken up with me and I've had sex seven times already. Hell yeah, bro. It was with her all seven times. We were both going through a breakup at the time. A lot of people nowadays are into Californication. I'm more a fan of Louisiana.

Thank you. Black people, if you don't start being nice to me, I'm going to start messing up every handshake I do with you. All right, thank you. Hans Kim coming back strong. 60 seconds.

Does it every week. Right back at it. It's all happening. A great set. This is true. Your girlfriend really broke up with you. Yes. And what was the context of this breakup? I actually broke up with her. Okay. All right. I should have done that before the arena. Damn, that was a good set. Fuck. But...

Yeah, it was... I felt like she was very beautiful and she's not used to being told no and I'm not used to saying no, so I would just go hang out with her all the time and I didn't have time for my life and my podcast that I have. You didn't have time for that? Honey, I gotta do this thing for an hour once a week. I don't know if this is gonna work. You know the thing with no script where I just sit down with a friend in my underwear? I don't know if I have time to do that.

That is why you broke up with her. But it doesn't seem like you guys have seven times in one week is a lot for a normal couple. We know that you have a wild sex addiction. Yeah, it's really helped our sex life, this breakup. Uh-huh. I've just been going over every night making sure that she's taking the breakup okay. Uh...

I've been there so many times. Be honest. Did you ever make her chant your theme song before you fucked? That would be great. This is Hans. Yeah, man, this is Hans. Or I'm sorry, for you it's more of a... Just from the porn, I assume. Absolutely. Absolutely. They have a short radius there of action. Not large pumps at all. Small pumps, correct, Hans? Small pumps with tender care in each one. That's right.

That's right. If I could add something to this, because I'm here to, I like to mentor young up-and-comers. And the bit about when you just said your girl broke up with you, and this is take it or leave it, but what I would do is I would tag that up and then a little later on in the set do a callback. And that's just from me to you. And you can fuck off.

Your biggest laugh through the set, Hans, acknowledging the Rick Diaz saga, which I loved. You didn't even do that in the arena while battling him, which I thought you would have done, but you acknowledged it during your set. You got a huge laugh because everybody knows about that. When they think of you, they think of him, they think about that, and you acknowledge it as, here is our first time fighting

Seeing you and working with you since then, how do you feel about everything? Oh, I feel just great about it. LAUGHTER

What a great experience for me. Let it out. Talk to the people about it. Look at them. Well, you guys, I'm sorry that I underperformed at the arena. Thank you, sir. This guy's obviously a huge fan of mine. But yes, please get on Reddit. Do you have a Reddit account? All my fans don't have Reddit accounts. Well, maybe they should learn to read. It was extraordinary.

Extremely controversial, Hans. You won. We let the fans decide. And there was a ridiculously much louder response from you. 100% of the people that were in the arena know that. But it seems as though you went online and said that you felt like you have unfinished business with Rick. I'd like to challenge him comedically.

I like to have a laugh off. Like a man. Uh-huh. Yeah, I'd love to challenge him again. The crowd cheered for me and then it seems like they changed their mind immediately when they got home. Yeah.

And you said you wanted to do it at the LA Forum. Yeah, why not? It's a cool arena. I love that. I love that. And did he respond to you? I'm sure he did. Probably something snarky and mean. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Power outage. It's freezing here. It's freezing. Oh, my God.

What? Oh. Oh, my God. They're having a middle finger off right now, ladies and gentlemen.

How many of you think Rick has the better middle finger? How many of you think Hans has the better middle finger? It's happened again. It has happened again. Okay, okay, okay. Welcome. Where'd you hide this guy? Any closet ever?

Rick Diaz, a natural entertainer, former golden ticket winner. Hans has challenged you to the LA Forum to another battle. How do you feel about this? Is this mic plugged into everything? Hans, share the mic. Be a nice guy, Hans. No. No.

What's the question again? The question is, what do you think about Hans re-challenging you at the Forum? I mean, I find it interesting that a winner of a competition challenges a loser. Yeah, yeah. It's a little unheard of in...

Here's the way I look at it. Is that, you know, is that, you know, when the UFC, sometimes it goes to a decision. Sometimes it goes to the judge's scorecard. I feel like Hans wants to deliver a clean knockout blow. And I could kind of see why he would do that. Rick? Yeah, he failed the first time. All right.

But you can admit that the crowd was louder for Hans. You were there. I was there. Yeah, and? The crowd was louder for Hans. Right. And I admit that. And I respect the Kill Tony crowd. Absolutely. And they respect you. And I love the show, and I love the challenge as it happened, but... Sure, buddy. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Wow, these are tough words coming from Orville Redenbacher. Yeah.

Let me finish, let me finish. Orville Redenbacher and Where's Waldo's Bastard Rape Child. I'm still trying to find myself. It's kind of annoying. Well, why don't you start with finding your chin? How about that? I like it.

I can say that because I don't have one either. So maybe later me and you can get together and do some addle appams in the alley there. Not having a chin is why he couldn't knock me out. Hey, I like that. Absolutely. I feel like this is a quarrel between roommates at MIT or something like that. That's what it looks like. It is.

Yeah, we scaled up the jerk-off sessions. It was nice.

Yeah, this is an incredible rivalry that we have. And, you know, we've had a lot of time since that battle to absorb everything that's happened. So, you know, I've thought about it. The audience being the only vote in that contest was very controversial. So I think the next one, we do three minutes instead of one at the forum. Yeah.

And I think that me, Red Band, and the two judges, or the two guests, each get a vote, and the audience also gets to vote. So it's five votes. Do the guests get a vote? Yeah. All right. Oh, very, very big part of your plan here, to win over the guests. You mean, I didn't have any plan to have guests, you know, to win over the guests, just the guests said I won last time. I said, I did nothing.

but say jokes. That's not on me. That's on the guests. They gave their opinion that you won. I like both of your styles. Hans is a veteran of the show. Gets very angry anytime your name is brought up. The rivalry is real. Hans, I'm sorry to scare you. It was my idea to put glow-in-the-dark tape on this stage and have him come out during your interview. Uh...

Some things are planned and some things aren't. That's just my own entertainment. And Hans, how do you feel about this new arrangement? Three minutes. It's a longer fight. Five judges. Do you feel good about it? Three minutes. And I'm going to have to do a minute every day, every week up until then? Yeah, it doesn't seem fair. Yeah, I mean... People don't give you credit for the minutes that you do. Just call Amy Schumer and ask her writers to help you out.

She's not going to cast me in her fucking movie. I don't care. I mean, three minutes. What about... What's wrong with one minute? That's a good point. Rick, would you prefer one minute or three minutes? I'll let you fuckers decide. I don't give a fuck. I mean, one minute is a great format for me. So, for sure, I love one minute. I feel like three minutes favors him.

It does. It does. Hans hasn't fucked as much as he used to this week. Because that's how he writes longer jokes. So, you know, I understand that, that you would want him... You want to do three minutes? Hans just literally goes, let's do three minutes. You don't get to flip. That was like a baby...

Yeah, yeah. No, I would say that I would be ready to do a minute a week easy and do three minutes in May. Don't forget, my friend, you have one advantage over him. Yeah. You've got Benjamin Franklin eyes. That is true. I also have puppy eyes. Well, not really. Maybe if it was hit by a car. You also have eyes.

That is true. Hans doesn't have very much eyes. Yeah, it's making the stare down very difficult. Yeah, absolutely. So, it's official. Three minutes versus three minutes. Five judges. We agreed on one minute. Okay, so is it one minute or three minutes? He wasn't allowed on the show. This is true. He's not performing. He's not doing a minute right now.

This is literally us acknowledging. If you put your Rolex up for grabs, I'll let you do three minutes. Whoa. The famous Hans Kim Rolex. What will you put up for grabs? Your health care? I already put my golden ticket on the line. And you lost it, so I can't take it away again. Okay. Are you willing to put something up on the line? Rick, do you have anything that means something to you? Hans' Rolex isn't just a Rolex. It was a gift from Joe Rogan. He challenged me.

He challenged me. I already won. No, you didn't win. You lost. It's adorable that you keep saying that. You lost. I mean,

I don't say that. People keep telling him that. Yeah, like 2,000 Redditors told you that. I hear you. And thousands of YouTube comments and Shane Gillicks and Matt McCusker. Shane Gillis. Shane Gillick. Shane Gillis. I have the accent I have, good sir. I have the accent I have. When exactly did you get bit by a vampire? I'm so confused. It's unbelievable. Back in the 1800s, where I came out from.

I don't know what you're worried about. You can win every time as long as you do turtle jokes. I look like an uncircumcised turtle. Hans is stealing D-Madness' microphone. Uh-oh. Fuck Rick Diaz. So it's on at the forum. One minute or three. You guys decide right now.

Rock, paper, scissors. Should we do two? That's actually a good idea. You guys want to do two? Let's do two. Let's set out two. Two minutes. LA Forum, May 10th. The rematch. Hans Kim versus Rick Diaz. How about a hand for Hans Kim having the balls to challenge this man again?

Where'd the mic stand go? What'd you do with the mic stand, Hans? There he goes. Make some noise for Hans Kim, everybody. And one more time, back into seclusion he goes. Rick Diaz. There he goes. Rick Diaz, everybody. Okay. Fun, right? There you go.

Parental audacity was at an all-time high in the 1980s.

Imagine the sheer boldness of being mad at children for coming home a little bit after streetlights come on, as if they had any idea where they were for the entire day. You might give me a moment after I broke my arm on a BMX bike that got stolen with a chipped tooth that I got for holding up the line to a garden hose after being lightly molested by a youth pastor while listening to DC talk.

You might give me a moment before you send me down the spiral staircase into the pitch black basement, proceed to tell me a drop trowel, grab my ankles, while my drunken Vietnam veteran father lays into me with a piece of lumber. And then years later, have the audacity to wonder where my kinks and fetishes come from. Thank you. I didn't know it was white supremacist poetry night. That was something else. Thank you.

Welcome to the show, Corduroy. Now, you've been on before, back in the Comedy Store days. Am I correct? Yes, sir. How long has it been? It was March 2020. March 2020. So right before the pandemic. Absolutely. And were you only on once? One time. Okay. How did that go? It was disastrous. Okay. Worse or better than this set? Oh, so much worse. It was worse than that? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh my goodness. Now, have you been doing stand-up? How long have you been doing it? This will be my next time back after that. Okay. So you took a break and you only, you're exclusive to Kill Tony. 100%. I'm all yours. Okay. Very good. All right. So what do you do for a living? I'm a professional DJ. Professional DJ? Yes, sir. Oh my goodness. I didn't realize they had DJs in hell.

That's where the best music is, so. I love it. I love it. You look like, oh God. It is incredible. Where do you DJ? Mostly funerals?

Mostly festivals. I travel around. Okay. So like EDM type of DJ? Yeah, I've been DJing for 33 years, 28 professionally. I play a fucking genre. I play everything. Wow. As long as it's good, as long as it's right. What? As long as it's good, as long as it's the right vibe. Okay. All right. And yes, Harland. I just didn't mean to interject here, just real quick. Have you ever eaten a baby? No.

I'm vegan. You're vegan? Yes. All right, a vegetarian baby. Yes. Idiot. Only baby carrots for this guy, obviously. Very interesting. Corduroy, you have a real, real wild look to you. Fingernails painted, metal teeth, a lot of earrings, a very stealthy beard, yet a very nice jacket.

Well, well, well dressed. Tell us, what do you do when you're not DJing exactly? Um,

What types of things are you into? Do you sit at tattoo parlors? Outside the window, just looking in. No, I just completed a new album since I moved down here. A new album? Yes, sir. What do you do? Do you DJ on an album? No, no. I produced a whole new album since I've been in Austin. I made a new genre, Dirt Road Country Trap.

Dirt road country trap. Yes, sir. Is that out there on the internet? Yeah, it's on SoundCloud under Corder Xavier. How would we find that? By putting in this name? Yes, sir. Okay. It's on 666.com. Yeah. You're just typing all of that into the top bar? SoundCloud Corder... Okay, it worked. You're a sly dog. Look at you. Oh.

Oh, create an account? I already have an account. Red band. Very good. Okay, while he's looking that up, what's your love life like? What are you into exactly? You look like the type of guy that absolutely just fucks like rubber balls or something like that. I don't know. I took time off since I got here. I made all these fucking rules for myself. No alcohol, no drugs, no gluten, no sugar, no sex, no dating for six months, no distractions. And no distractions from murdering people. 100%.

What about no Sephora? A man's got to live. I just, I caught your eye shadow and I had to say it. What is that, Kat Von D's date rape? What is that? A hard no from Corduroy Xavier. He genuinely answered that question like it could have been Kat Von D's date rape.

Is this you? No. No, okay. It's good music. You can tell because the artist is a different artist than his name. Puck came up. You go back to SoundCloud, go into that search bar there. There you go. And then type in his name. Okay. Okay. There's a lot of...

Lot of hats to wear on this show. So, uh, Corduroy, so you've set all these limits for yourself. What do you think you're gonna be most excited to do at the end of the six months? Fuck. Okay, and what type of thing are you gonna fuck? I don't know. What are you into? Is this you? This is me. Uh-oh. Here we are. It's a little bit of Through a Sea of Melancholy by Corduroy Xavier. Ooh. Ooh, a lot of bass. Yeah.

Oh yeah, you murder people to this. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh for sure. So they're chained up. When they hear this, they're chained up. They're in a chair, right? There's like a candle and they're coming to, they're all drugged up. Keep it up. But you're not in the room yet. You're not in the room. They just see a candle on a table. They're very disoriented.

They're picturing some terrible thing happening and at this point they're noticing that they're stuck to the chair and then their worst nightmare walks in. That's some interesting music you got there, Corduroy. That was just an intro. Okay, let's fast forward to the middle here. Turn it up and fast forward so that it's the other direction. It's just three minutes into the song out of a five minute song.

Okay, still warming up a little bit. Maybe let's do another track. That's four minutes and 20 seconds into a four minute. The album is 16 tracks long. That's just like... Okay, so let's go to the middle of the album. These are the top tracks. Oh, the top tracks. Okay. Portrait, does it speed up a little bit? Oh. You're about to fucking die. Garage band loops.

Okay, that's enough. That's enough. Where does the country come in? Let's go to another track. What's the name of the album? Is it Circular? Yes, sir. Okay, go to Circular. Bottom left. No, bottom left. Play this song. No, not the top. Go to the middle of the album. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. These are fucking... I will. God damn it. Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Wait, play this song. This one. No, we fucked it up the last time. No, this is another slow song.

This one? No. Nope. No! No? Go up. Into the junkyard? You like this one? No, you don't even like your own music. Austin Seltzer. No, I was just trying to catch a trap. Go up, green, has a black woman's face on there. Okay. All right. Jesus fucking Christ. D Madness begging for mercy over here. He can only hear, so...

I bet people love you at the music festivals because they're like, this guy looks fucking crazy, dude. And I bet the music goes good with your look, but when we're just listening to it... The music just sounds like he's testing the instruments for the music festival to start. Yeah.

Can I ask what the tattoo is on your hand there, my friend? What's that? Lord Uros. It literally says my name, Corduroy. Corduroy, okay. So when I check into hotels and stuff, I'm like, Corduroy Xavier, and you see him go for the C.

And then they freeze because they've never had to spell that word once in their life. People have a problem with the or part of corduroy? A lot of vowels get put in there. You'd be surprised. Those are bad hotels. But they never forget. I get it once. Corduroy. I'm going to go with, what do they guess? A or I? Oh, just so many. Wow. You know, for half the money, you just could have got freak.

But then I'd have to put it on my... It's five letters. Okay, corduroy. Do you do any massaging? Because I'd love to have your blueberry-picking fingers all over my body. You can find me very easy in this town. Yeah? I got you. Huh? Deep tissue. Deep tissue? Deep. Yeah. How about suck my scapula? How about that? That was actually my catchphrase.

- Kordore, throw that mic back in the mic stand there. This interview went a lot longer than it probably should have. Fantastic, little joke book worthy. Way to get it started. The bucket pulls, ladies and gentlemen. One of the wilder parts of the show. And we move on, Giannis. - I had to watch him leave the hallway. I didn't want him. I didn't feel comfortable with him behind me at all, yeah.

Yeah, he leaves a bright eye shadow everywhere he goes. All right, pulling another name out of the bucket. We're going to keep it moving along. Here we go. Daniel Zelenka, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Daniel Zelenka. Here we go. I'm white trash. I grew up with food stamps. Did anyone else grow up with food stamps? Losers. No, I...

I don't know. I feel like you always have a struggle snack if you're on food stamps. Like my favorite struggle snack was Hope. Like, damn, I hope this shit gets better. No, but the food stamps would hit on the first of the month. So for the first two weeks, it was great. We had Pepsis, Hot Cheetos, Fruit Roll-Ups. But then by week three, all that shit was gone. So we'd be surviving off of ramen and hot dogs. And then week four was like the Hunger Games. Me and my sister would be shooting each other with arrows trying to eat the other one.

And that's the difference between white trash and rednecks, because rednecks try to eat their sisters out in other ways. All right. Daniel Zelenka pretty much just describing what it's like being poor. No real punch up there at all whatsoever. Week by week, the food selection gets worse and worse.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight months. Eight months. Where at? Here in Austin. I moved here from Oregon. Okay. Okay. So how's that been going for you? Is that your best minute? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And that usually works places? Yeah. Yeah, it seems to work pretty well. You perform mostly in front of comedians, though. Yeah, open mics. Right. Uh-huh. And they're laughing at you because you were hungry.

Yeah, I mean, comedians usually laugh at each other. Yeah. They're like, ha ha ha, you were hungry. They're like, you fucking loser. Right. But it appears as though you found food recently. Ha ha!

How do you make a living, Daniel? I'm in sales. I work for a phone carrier selling phones. Okay. Yeah. All right. I did a... You keep coming very close to sad music here. Damn. No, I did construction my whole life, and then I moved out here. I started working in the heat, and I was like, fuck that. I'm going to go into something easier. You ever think of constructing a joke? Okay.

I know that's right. Can I do something here? Yeah. This might be a little... I have a charity called the Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away, and some of you know about it. And what we do is we...

We help children with cinnamon allergies. And we have a foundation. And when I see... I brought my checkbook here today. Whoa, that's an actual checkbook. And when we see young comics struggling almost to the point of suicide...

Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away would like to write a check to help this young fella on his way. I love it. He's writing out an actual check? In collaboration with Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away, and I haven't confirmed it with them yet, but the Burger King Corporation, we'd like to give you $300,000. Burger King Corporation.

Mostly Burger King, but some of it Cinnamon Angels. Maybe the $4 or $5. Take that and be on your way, you fucking whore. There you go. Thank you.

There you go. Actually, amazing. $300,000 just given to you by the Cinnamon Angels. Fly, fly away. And Burger King. We haven't confirmed it with them yet, but they have a lot of money, so we're going to be talking to them. And Team Burger King will probably get in on it with all their employees, the zit-faced fucks. Yes.

To think you went from Hope to Pepsi to hot dogs to ramen to Burger King. $300,000. How do you feel right now? Looks like I'm moving up in the world. Absolutely. Absolutely. And what is it? Can you describe exactly what it says there on that check? $300,000 with no name or nothing else.

If you take it to Burger King, you'll get free fries. Amazing. Amazing. You can sit down immediately. We're trying to do a show. Harlan, you're one of my favorite comics, so this actually means a lot. He's trying to get you to autograph the check. What's happening here?

You know what? I'm going to do one better. I'm going to do one better. You keep that one. I'm going to do one better. Cinnamon Angels, Fly Fly Away. Just earlier this week, we were in talks with Tim Cook at Apple. I think we all know Apple. Whoa. And they haven't signed off on this yet, but how about another $500,000 from Apple? Whoa.

And you go take this and skip down to Arby's and bend over an inkjet printer and fuck yourself. That is unbelievable. This is the largest amount of money ever given away on this show. We thought Mr. Beast giving away $10,000 of cash in a briefcase was impressive at the arena. Well, he can sniff my sister's cauliflower soup face. How about that? Ha ha ha ha.

Oh my goodness. Daniel, before we let you go, we barely found out anything about you. We're going to let you run with your $800,000 here any second. But before I let you go, what's your favorite thing about being a comedian?

What's the wildest thing about your life? What would we find to be unbelievably entertaining about you? You've seen the show before. You know how the interview portion works. What's your honest assessment of your life? What would we find to be interesting? What makes you different? I think one of the craziest things about me is that I did meth when I was like 19. And I have a lot of crazy meth stories. A lot of crazy things happened there. I dated like a gangster girl. She's a Sirenia. What's a Sirenia? Like a South Sider, a Mexican. Yeah.

A salsire? A salsire? Southsider. Southsider. Oh, a Southsider. Yeah, like a Mexican Southsider. That's how they say it. Wow, you sound Latino when you say Latino things. I grew up with Mexicans, yeah. I grew up in a Mexican trailer park. I was the only white person there. You sound like you hate them. No, I love them. Yeah. Okay. What's the craziest thing you ever did while on meth? Well... You ever tried to cash a check for $800,000? No.

I don't know. I'm going to see if I can do it on 6th Street. No, I stole cars in the snow. Robbed some cars because I was drifting and my girlfriend wanted her own car so she could drift too. And so she stole a car and we were both drifting in the snow. It was pretty fun. Drifting? The thing where you spin around? Spin around, yeah. In a Honda Civic, yeah. Wow. Talk about that, man. The food stamp stuff is just sad, dude. Talk about the spins. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, talk about the good stuff. Get into what makes you different. Everybody kind of, I mean, everybody was eating fucking Pepsi and hot dogs at some point. Really, you know. Well, you got to drift when you're in a relationship. If you don't, you're going to slowly drift apart. Yeah, it's true. Better to drift together. You know what? That joke didn't go well. I'm going to give myself $700,000. Daniel Zelenka, you're leaving here with $800,000 and a little joke book. Good catch.

Daniel Zelenka. On to the next one we go. You know, before we get to this next bucket poll, let's do something kind of fun here. There was a guy, it's a very interesting position, something I never do, because there was a funny man on this show, and he was really, really good. I think it was his girlfriend got pulled out of the bucket originally. She was terrible. She said her boyfriend's funnier. She was right.

And so I had him back a couple months later to do another minute thinking, okay, that'll be fun. But he did great with the next minute. So this is his third time ever on this show. I want to see if he can do it again. He's two for two on this show. This is the third time ever for Justin Hedrick, everybody, from Houston, Texas. A little Texas treat. Fuck yeah. All right.

So I found out recently that my girl thinks that I roll a blunt like I fuck. According to her, my finger technique is terrible. I never fill it up or get it wet enough. And no matter how hard I try, I'll never do it as good as a black guy. And despite having a girlfriend, I have a weird fear of dying in a gay way.

Not so much like choking on a cock, but like choking to death on gluten-free popcorn while watching Shob's Gringo Poppy. Not really what I want to leave behind to my kids as a legacy. I do have a bunch of kids, and despite my best efforts, they're all woke. They're so woke, in fact, that every time I tell a trans joke, they won't talk to me for a week. It's been a year, and I'm just about out of trans material.

And similar to a lot of the trans community, I just don't have the balls to go back to the way things used to be. God damn it. What an interesting story this is. The legacy of Justin Hedrick.

Such a solid minute his first time. Came back, did it again. I'm trying to get you out of my fucking life and you keep doing this again and again. You're like the opposite of Corduroy Xavier. Seems like you like... Have you been working these out other places? This is my 13th time on stage. Okay. And you seem to be naturally good at it. You would agree? I agree. Yes. And you're having a lot of fun and you just started at the age of... 40. 40. 40.

Hell yeah. I just turned 41 five days ago. Happy birthday, my friend.

So is it true that your kids are woke? That was a fantastic joke. No, my kids are fucking awesome, man. They're not woke. Yeah, I had a feeling. I raised them right. I don't think you would allow that. I love my kids, man. They're awesome. Yeah, it seems like you would slap that right out of them. You know what I mean? Absolutely. And you're from Houston, Texas. Fort Worth, Texas. Fort Worth, Texas. Absolutely. The home of hyenas, where a fun fact about hyenas, the great Harlan Williams will be there February 9th through the 10th. Also,

Also February 9th through the 10th, San Francisco, Giannis Pappas at Cobb's Comedy Club. Just a little something to keep in mind, February 9th and 10th. I watched Harlan there about a month ago, and it was probably the best show I've ever seen. Yes, absolutely. Harlan on fire. Yeah, I'll take one of those. You're going to get some money. Hey, just like $10,000. That's good. Harlan was on fire. $1 million. Yeah.

Hang on, hang on. I'm going to give you an extra $10,000 to get that life-threatening melanoma off your neck. You did spot it. Arlen has a good eye for skin cancer. It's actually on my nose, right there.

Was that for real? I believe so, yeah. Harlan made a joke and the guy from Fort Worth is literally like, no, I got it, just not the neck. Whoops. Look at that. Your instincts. You're like one of those cancer-sniffing puppies or something like that. I guess you won't be needing that fucking check. Still need it. Still need it. I'm going to keep it.

Taking back the million, letting him keep the 10,000. Only here on Kill Tony. So, Justin, this has been amazing, your run on the show. Anything else left for the interview part that we would find interesting about you? Maybe, possibly. So, this is my celebration vacation. I've been here for about three days, and I'm celebrating losing 85 pounds this last year. I lost...

I lost the 85 pounds to go skydiving, which I did on Saturday. And so did my girl. She went with me. She jumped out of the plane and she came down to a huge banner that said, will you marry me? And I proposed. Wow. That is real fucking Fort Worth white trash shit right there. Holy shit.

It's not as impressive as Red Band's proposal, but it was still pretty good. That is true. Red Band, the bride-to-be here coming up. You saw it live from the HEB Center. Mine was for tax reasons.

I always would have guessed that you would have gotten engaged at an HEB, just not the arena. Thought you would have proposed to a butcher or something like that, or perhaps the bread lady. There you are. That's Red Band. That's Red Band doing his VR podcast in the middle of the night. Okay. How long are you in town for?

Till tomorrow. Yeah, I had to come early because of the weather. To do your skydiving thing. To do the skydiving. I had to do it before it froze. Incredible. And you had to lose weight in order to skydive? That's a thing? So I was 330 pounds last January when I tried to do it. And now I'm 248. And they turned you away. They laughed at you.

They laughed. Right. Next time, keep the weight on. You'll land faster. Yeah. That's true. They can't do two parachutes or something? Well, that's what I thought. I figured it'd be like a plane ticket for like David Lucas. Like, just pay extra, you know? Uh...

But no, they did not. And even at 248, they strapped like a 5'5 girl on my back just to make it right, like weight-wise. Absolutely. Incredible. So they told you the first time. They're like, dude, you can't do it. Yeah, no, he laughed at me. They're like, when pigs fly, you could do it. Yeah. Because you were fat. You know what? I'm going to write myself a check. Um...

By the way, if you ever put the weight back on, just make sure you land on a KFC. You'll be all set. You know, if you're not going to laugh, I fucking will.

Justin, congratulations. Another amazing set. Congratulations on your birthday, on your upcoming marriage, and on a third great set. Maybe we'll do it again sometime soon, Justin.

Okay, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. This looks like a new name to me. Make some noise for Walt Barber, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Walt Barber. Here we go. Damn. There's a lot of people out there that think that Jesus...

was a white man. And they have all been duped. Because Jesus was definitely black. And at the end of the day, all you got to know is that that motherfucker was hung like this. I'm pretty sure that's why they call it the Resurrection.

And I haven't read the Bible, but I have read some of the Sparknotes. And met enough thumpers in my day to know that when he did rise up, he probably cast a shadow from Rome to Jerusalem with that thing. Blotting out the sun. All right. Hell yeah. Okie dokie.

All right. I don't know what color Jesus was, but he's not watching over you and your comedy crew. No, it would not seem so. Bam. Not a Jesus-like performance whatsoever. No. We definitely hope you don't come back in three days. My goodness. Wow. How many times have you done stand-up comedy? It's probably about like the seventh or eighth time. And how long ago did you start?

October. October 4th. October. It was an ugly day. And this might be the ugliest. Can I say something here? Absolutely. This isn't easy, but as a black man, for you to come out here and talk about color dressed as fucking Barney...

You can go to yogurt land and ride, motherfucker. That is true. That is true. That's fair enough. I completely agree. What's up with that hat? Is that a lucky hat or something? It's very dirty. It's bent. It's very, very creepy. It's a work hat. What do you do for work? You pump gas. I do stone work. Stone work. Yes, stone mason, stone sculpting. Okay. That thing.

type of thing. You make a lot of money doing that? A lot of people asking you to come work on their stones? Not a lot of money, but I do get to work on people's stones, yeah. Yeah. You sure it isn't stoned work? It is not. Believe it or not, it is not stoned work. Do you smoke marijuana? I smoke marijuana, yes, but not right now. What else do you do? You smell things? You sniff things? You sniff a lot of things? No.

I drink from now and then, you know, every now and then. Chase Froot Loops. Wait a minute, he did a sniff joke. I think I'm allowed to do a Froot Loops joke. It is true, you're allowed, absolutely. So, most interesting, how'd you end up like this, Walt? Where are you from?

Originally from a little town outside of Charlottesville, Virginia. Okay. Which we all found out was apparently like a vacation spot for the Proud Boys a few years ago, which is a bummer. But you weren't one of them? No, no, no, no, no. Okay. And how long have you been here in Texas? I actually got in this morning, or this afternoon. Well, we're excited about your departure. I'm sure everybody is.

Can I just ask something from a strategic point of view? You came all the way from where? Came out from Richmond, Virginia. Okay, long travels, right? You had one minute that it maybe occurred to you to not come out and do 30 seconds of silence off the top? I think that was in memory of Black Jesus or something like that. Happy Martin Luther King Day, guys. That is true. Happy Martin Luther King Day.

The silence at the beginning was not intentional. I did intend to come out and just... Why do you think that happened? What did you feel? A lot of eyes. Right. Yeah. A lot of eyes. Nice looking eyes. Okay. All right.

Getting scary. Very good. Very good. Nope. He would never do good on a potato farm, I'll tell you that. Here's a little joke book, buddy. There you go. When do you fly back to Virginia? All right. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Thank you all very much. Thank you all very much. You're very welcome. There he goes, everybody. Walt Barber.

Okay, let's sage the room a little bit with a real comedian, one of the most prolific regulars in the history of the show. Energy, charisma, written material, performed material. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new 60 Seconds from one of our esteemed regulars, the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. Come on.

My phone had broke a couple days ago, so I had to beat my meat the old fashioned way. With some pussy. Now I'm playing, I had to use my imagination. My imagination is not what it was when I was like 10 years old. Because when I was 10, all I had to see was like two infinity signs. I was like, them titties, yeah. That shit hard right there.

But now I'm 24 years old and I done seen some shit. You know what I'm saying? So now I need to see like a bukkake or something. I don't like saying that because I don't know what that is. My weird friend was like, say that, they going to know what that is. And y'all was like, no the fuck we don't. That's strange. You know what a bukkake is, sir? You know what that is? Yes you do, you sick fuck. You know what that is, you sick motherfucker. I like it. Fuck you. I like it.

I will tell you the weirdest thing about beating my meat with my imagination is that I don't have my phone. Know what I'm saying? I've been with my phone for so long, like this hand is just free. Like this hand ain't know what to do, dog. Like I'll beat my meat and this hand was like, maybe I could help. So I started playing with my nipple. That felt, that just felt gay. Then I started choking myself. I liked it. That, that was cool. I've been campaigning. Thank y'all so much.

God damn it, he did it again. He did it again. International superstar. I gotta look. I don't mind a little dirty, but you don't see it coming from black cheese, as I'll tell you that. We outside, man. My dick hard as fuck. Long as hell. Hell yeah. I don't know what you said, but thank you. I was trying to say other words, and I fucked them up.

Amazing stuff, Cam. You did it again. I can confirm that your phone did break in the past week. That was a thing. I had no idea that you were having trouble masturbating. It was tough. It was a long two days, I'll tell you that much. Not being able to look at porn, nigga, that shit hard, bro.

I tried it once. I just bought another phone. I just stole a guy's phone. This is impossible, y'all. But that's a good idea with the other hand. You know what I'm saying? You want to do that? Would you do that? I'd tickle it. Yeah. You're a strange nigga, Giannis. You're a strange nigga. But I love gay people. There you go. I love them so much.

Well, hold on. Did you just call him the N-word? That my nigga. You my nigga, too. We don't use the N-word. Not on this show. And certainly not Jesus. Give him a hand. That's my son. Isn't it great? It is true. Love you, Dad. Can you spell? Am I what? Can you spell good? Spell it for me. I'm not doing it. I'll pass.

Someone's just about to get a nice fat check. Uh-oh. Here we go. Hell yeah. Pops pre-said to put $3 million on that. Don't spend it on sneakers. $31 million. Yes, it is true. I actually watched it happen. He wrote it for $1 million. Look at that shot. Look at it.

Cam suggested make it three, and he just put a three in front of the one. 31 million. Amazing what Harlan is doing here tonight. Fun to buy some white bitches. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I love it. Here he is. Darkness. There you go, darkness. Oh, my goodness. It is a Martin Luther King celebration up here right now.

Absolutely incredible. He had a dream. We're doing it, baby. We're living it. We're doing it. I love it. Is that a new blue hoodie? It's very blue. It's incredible. Come on, we outside, man. I got a little bread and I'm buying other colors. Yeah.

I can afford colors and shit. It's crazy. Yeah. Just a reminder, when we met Cam, he only wore plain white t-shirts and slides with white socks. And he said, no matter whatever happens to me, I'm never changing. I'm always going to stay this way. And he totally changed immediately. It's literally only been six months. He does a new outfit every single week. Brand spanking new. Blatantly fresh. Never washed. I got a new chain, too.

Oh. Yeah. It got bigger. Yeah. First one I ever got that I did not steal. Come on, man. Absolutely. But I did not pay for it. So we outside, baby. How?

Hell yeah. It was a gift? Yeah, it was a gift. From a girl? No, no, no. Sugar Sean gave it to me New Year's. Oh, wow. Sugar Sean O'Malley giving away chains. Look at that. The Kill Tony universe never stops giving. He also, a fun fact is Sugar Sean lost a, was it a bracelet? A diamond bracelet. A diamond bracelet. That's why he gave me this one. So his bracelet fell and then I picked it up and gave it to him. I wanted to take it so bad. I know.

But I'm a good person, I'm changed. So I gave him the bracelet back. He was like, bro, thank you for giving me my bracelet back, bro. He gave me the chain because I gave him the bracelet back. Yeah, you gave him his bracelet. And then a fun fact, we had a lot of fun on New Year's Eve. A fun fact is that he lost his bracelet again later that night. I got so scared because I was like, we don't find it again, I'm going to lose the chain. So we got to find the fucking bracelet, dog. Yeah, we found it. But we found it. Absolutely. Where?

Where'd you find it? Was it in his pocket? Well, it was actually quite funny. My buddy from high school, Anthony, found it and told the bartender...

He goes, "Hey, I just found Sugar Sean's bracelet. If you see him, let him know I have it." And the bartender claimed that he found it, and it went on and on. Everybody thought they were going to get a gift from Sugar Sean O'Malley. It just spread like wild. But just to let you know, I found Sugar Sean's probably, I mean, I would guess hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars, according to Harlan's checkbook. A lot of money.

was the bracelet worth. But we had a lot of fun. Have you gotten that appraised yet? Your Sugar Sean necklace? No, I didn't take it to the pawn shop. We'll never do that. It's crazy. It's insane. It's Greener Hill. I love it. Well, you did it again. Another unbelievably incredible minute. Cam Patterson. A lot of dates coming up. A lot of fun stuff on the road with me. We're doing it. Living the American dream.

There he goes. Wow, he just gave away $31 million to the man in the front row. Absolutely incredible. Just giving it away. Just handing it around. That is amazing. It's weird he gave it to a Klondike guy.

Alright, keeping it moving along. Another name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Matt Robertson, everybody. Here we go. Anything could happen. Could be the next star. Could be another bombing. Matt Robertson. Thank you. I've been waiting tables recently. Dreams do come true. I am a waiter. I fucking did it. Waiting tables, it's okay. It's not my dream job. It's kind of like if you're a straight actor casting an HIV treatment commercial.

Like, I'm happy for the work, but this isn't the role I want to be remembered for? You know what I mean? That's just me. I don't know. We play a lot of... Yeah. We still play a lot of Michael Jackson at my restaurant, which is weird. There was a time they didn't play it, but now they do. You know, he's cool again. It's weird we didn't know Michael Jackson was a pedophile, because, like, if you read the lyrics to his songs, it just sounds like a confession, you know? "'I want to love you, you pretty young thing.'" This guy.

I'm bad. I'm bad. I'm really, really bad. You know it. You know. You know. Your butt is mine. I'm a pedophile. Get it? I'm a fucking pedophile. I left breadcrumbs. I just... You didn't get it. I just... I'm a pedophile. Thank you. Not me. Michael Jackson. Anyway. Okay. I had to make that clear. Thank you so much. Yannis? Seems like that legacy is gonna be a waiter. I think you will be known...

Matt, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I was here with Tim. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? No one knows when and where you were. Nine years. Nine years? Yeah. Jesus fucking Christ. Okay.

You've been on the show once before? Yeah, with Tim in December. Yes. Okay, with Tim in December. What happened then? What do you mean we had fun? Well, you don't remember. No, I'm a waiter at a Japanese restaurant. I take too long to come. Is this waiter ever going to come? That's right. That's right. And you take too long to come. I still do. That's why your wife left you or something, right?

Correct. Yeah. Starting to come back to me. Yeah, yeah. It's all coming back. Yeah, yeah. I am single. Uh-huh. We totally would have guessed that. How's dating life going for you? It's better now. Oh, the Tim Dillon gave me a bump. I got some pussy, so thank you. I mean... Tim Dillon gave you a what? No, well, the Tim Dillon episode gave me a little pussy bump. It gave you a pussy bump? Yeah, for sure. Okay, I think that's called HPV, but...

A little bump on your pussy. Very good. You got me late. What happened? How did you get late? Explain to the people what happens after someone like you. I mean, imagine what happens if you're anybody that looks human whatsoever. The fact that you can get pussy. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is like if someone gave Jared from Subway testosterone. This is amazing. My God.

Wow. Incredible. Okay. So how did you get pussy? Explain to the people. Oh, well, because I was on with Tim. Oh my God, if you say you were on with Tim Dillon again, I'm going to go fucking ballistic. You were on the show and then what?

And then I got pussy. How did you get pussy? Oh, because someone was like, I saw you, we had fun, you know, I liked it. Okay, so then what happens? You took them back to you? We had sex. I don't know how long. I think he's making it up as he's talking. Yeah, I think so. You know what? I've never done this before.

But I'm going to do this. Take this and you write me a fucking check, all right? Wow. Incredible. I want $200,000 for sitting here and listening to Jared from Subway Part 2. It's true. It's true. Part 2. The second foot long. I'm not in prison. I'm just...

I'm doing better than Jared. Are you? Yes. How do you know? What's better? He's getting raped in federal prison. I'm talking to you. I'm doing better. Well, maybe. Well, that's debatable, yeah. I don't think you have a good barometer of how good you're doing on this show right now. A lot of people would rather get raped in federal prison than be...

At least raping, you have some feeling. You get filled with something. You time-raped us. Give me the check. $400,000 for me. Matt, what did you get last time? A little joke book? You got a big one last time? Are you fucking serious? You gave us your best minute that you wrote in nine years? No, it was a month. No, I got a big one. We had...

You were nicer. I was nicer and you were probably better. Yeah, for sure. Your Michael Jackson joke has probably been done 5,000 times since it happened. Oh, bad? I'm so bad? You don't think anybody's covered that? Michael Jackson? Why don't you moonwalk your ass back to obscurity? Go use your big joke book. I didn't love it. I didn't love it. There he goes.

He was on with Tim Dillon, everybody. Go watch that episode if you want to see him do good, obviously. He got all the pussy. He got a pussy bump, everybody. All right, we're going to keep it moving along. Your next bucket full goes by the name of Zach Hedrick, everyone. Zach Hedrick. One more time for Zach Hedrick, everyone. What's up? So I just moved here from Alabama.

And dating has been super tough for me, you know, because I'm more than a thousand miles away from home. I've just been having like a really tough time finding any cousins. It's been tough. I think I'm not good at talking to women. I think older generations had it easier because they had song lyrics that helped them, you know. They had lyrics like, I'll lay you down and softly whisper.

pretty love words in your ear. It's Conway Twitty. Beautiful. I grew up singing lyrics like, "Make that pussy fart for the ying-yang twins." So I talk to girls, "This shit does not work. It's not..."

I'm not good at talking to my, I'm not good at dirty talk either. I was with a chick recently. She kind of knew that. And she was like trying to pet me up for it. She's like, come on, you can do this. You're a beast in the bed. You're a beast in the bed. And I was going to say something a little similar, but switch it up a little. I was like, fuck yeah, I am. I am a sexual predator. There you go. Zach Hedrick just beating the bear.

Now that's interesting. We had Justin Hedrick on earlier. You're no relation to him. No. Wow, there you go. Thought you guys could have been brothers or something like that. Brothers. That's pretty cool. All right, so welcome. Zach, you've been on this show before. I have. I remember the patented headband. Yeah, that's fun. Absolutely. Is that true that you just moved here from Alabama? Nah, I've been here for about nine months now. All right. Hell yeah. Fun stuff. How's it going? Going good. What do you love about Austin, Texas? Fun.

I don't know, dude. Nothing really. It kind of fucking sucks here. Really? No, I'm just kidding. Is it not better than Alabama? It's better than Alabama. It's pretty much just Alabama with Mexicans, you know? So it's not quite as good, I guess you could say. And art and food, right? The food's really good. You don't like the art?

Yeah, the art's cool. Culture. What about the women? Most beautiful women in the world. The women are good. I give a huge nod to the women. A fucking massive nod there. But I lived in Tampa before I moved here. Tampa's wild. Tampa's a fun place. Yeah, it's pretty cool too. Yep. I saw a massive shooting at, how do you say that? Ybor? Ybor. Yeah, Ybor. Ybor this week. Yeah.

That's how it goes. Do you wear the headband during the day as well? Just on stage. You put it on before you go on? Yeah. Why? I used to be a pro wrestler, so I kind of like the gimmicky stuff. Yeah. So I got to hold back to my roots. What was your wrestling name? Zach Ather. Zach Ather.

Wow, real jump from Zach Hedrick. Yeah. What made you choose Aether? I thought that I read God of Upper Air is actually pronounced Aether, and I was like, I'll just call it Aether instead. So I just went with that.

I did a bunch of like half-line stuff. My finisher was a shooting star press. Wow. That's an impressive maneuver. That's a forwards backflip. You jump forward while doing a backflip. That's the move that Brock Lesnar famously hit his head on. Broke his neck, yeah. WrestleMania. That's not an easy move to do. You still stay in shape? Stay in shape. How do you do that? I don't wrestle. I do a lot of CrossFit. I knew I was going to get nothing.

You've been on this show before. You guys all hate me now. You've been on this show before, correct? I have. Did you notice that you got a pussy bump after your appearance? Yeah. Let me ask you something, guy, and be honest. Yeah. When you're not doing stand-up, are you traveling around the world in your van with a talking dog looking for ghosts? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I wish my life was that good. Like if you're here, then like who's that on your first license? Ma'am, if you could look away, I hate your eyes.

I love it. Zach, anything else we should know about you that we haven't found out from your previous interviews? Yeah, Heath Cordes is my roommate. Whoa! There's a lot of you guys in that house, huh? Yeah. Okay, how many is there? Just me, Heath, and Brent Reid. What about Velma and... What's his name? LAUGHTER

Okay. That's fair. What's it like living with little Heath Cordes? Dude, he's the man. I came home last night. The door was deadbolted because he was fucking a girl on our couch. Whoa.

He famously lost his virginity before his appearance in the arena. And it's very interesting to see that he's keeping the momentum going. Was her name Celia by any chance? No, it wasn't. It wasn't the same chair. Was it Cynthia? No. So when we came in... Wait, when he came in the end? What did you say? Were you there for that part?

or would you crawl through a window? I wasn't there. We walked in and she immediately darted to the bathroom after he deadbolted it. We went to our rooms. We were like, I don't want to see Heath have sex. I'm just going to be honest. You don't want to watch what appears to be an 11-year-old boy? No. I don't think so. Heath is a 21-year-old with a condition that makes him look like he's about 11. Wow, talk about Benjamin Buttons. Yeah. Yeah.

You said you had sex on a couch? Yeah, he was banging on our couch, dude. You were banging on a couch? He was. Oh, he was. The 11-year-old boy was. It was pretty impressive. Oh, good God. Is that his second girl? Do you know? Second. Second time having sex. Second time ever. Do you know how he did? We're excited to find out more about this. Pretty good. I only talked to him for a little bit last night about it, but he was very happy. Okay, very good. Well, we're going to have to find out.

That is indeed breaking news. Heath is fucking. He went from zero to got a true pussy bump. You want to talk about a pussy bump, there's no doubt about it. Lost his virginity before the arena show from a fan that flew in for the arena shows. And now he's just straight up fucking. That boy is going wild. Now he deadbolted the main door. So you were locked out for about how long?

probably like two minutes, two or three minutes. Yeah, it doesn't take long. Just enough time for him to come. I can't wait to find out more from him. Thank you so much. Another appearance by Zach Hedrick. Yep, thank you. You have a little joke, Beau? Uh,

I had a big joke book and my car got stolen and it was in it. Really? Your car got stolen? What kind of car was it? Toyota Corolla. Toyota Corolla. Harland with the check. Here we go. Here we go. And you know what? Here's another big Kill Tony joke book to make up for that.

There you go. Here's a check. Here's a thousand dollars. Get a new one. You know, one of the things that I fucking love about this show is that every once in a while, there's a very short list of legends in the history of the show. Some of you know the great Dom Irera.

Who was it? There's been a lot of greats that have done a minute. Ron White has done a minute on this show. This is one of those moments where... Nick Swanson. Nick Swanson, absolutely. One of my favorite ones. Definitely. Eddie Murphy, thank you. Yes, sir, has done a minute on this show. Right now is one of those moments that you will never forget as I present to you, performing, gracing us with his presence, Nick Swanson.

comedy royalty. You know him from all of his hit movies, all of his hit shows. A star for over fucking 40 years. Make some noise. This is a minute uninterrupted by the great and powerful Pauly Shore! Wow. Oh my goodness. It really is him, everybody. Kill Tony. The Comedy Store. Pauly Shore.

A lot of you guys going, that's not Pauly Shore, that's a homeless guy with AIDS. Fucking fucker, taking all the fucking juice from the room. Cock sucker. Fucking fuck. I'm gonna fucking cancel your flight tomorrow and you're not going to fucking Denver or Dallas to eat some pussy tomorrow night. Like you fucking said, you cock sucker. Anyways, give it up for Harlan Williams. All right, so...

So now my minute starts right here, right? Is that cool or no? Okay, anyways. So I knew I was going to be here tonight on the Kill Tony show, so I was at the gym today working out for you people. I was on this machine. I don't know what it's fucking called, but it's a cardio machine. Have you guys tried this machine? I'm on it for 45... What's it called? Elliptical. I'm on it for 45 minutes the whole time. I'm thinking, what is this working out for? Getting in a fight with a homosexual?

I was walking across the street, four homos tried to attack me. I said, "Get away from me!" They're like, "Ronnie's been working on the elliptic!" "Ahh! It hurts! It burns! Ahh!" Someone asked me recently if I was gay. Do I look gay? Fuck you, I'll throw this microphone at your fucking head like Fred Durst from 1999.

No, I do, I do. I walk gay, I talk gay, I act... I have a gay name, Polly. That's pretty fucking gay. I asked my mom, is it Polly like Italian? She said, no, Polly like fag. That's what she said. But I was at the gym, I was at the gym and I was watching these gay dudes. They were doing lunges right in front of me. And they do lunges just like you and I, but when they do them, they have a dildo on every third step. And I saw the fucking dude, he's like this. Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah.

And the guy just fucking walks off like everything's fucking cool. I'm like, what the fuck, bro? Wipe your dildos down, dude. Where's your Tim Aniket? The great and powerful Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen, gracing us. Wow. Okay. All right. Okay. Pauly, that's enough of the physical fucking physical humor here.

Pauly, great set. Unbelievable. Two minutes and 15 seconds of thunder and lightning. I thought it was fantastic. I didn't appreciate you talking about disrespecting my lunges at the gym that you saw me do earlier. It's not easy out there trying to keep workouts entertaining. And I went back. I cleaned the dildos later after you left.

Welcome back to the show, Pauly Shore. Kill Tony royalty, Comedy Store royalty, the son of the creator of the Comedy Store, Mitzi Shore and the great Sammy Shore.

We love having you. You're a real big part of this Texas thing that's happening. You just keep coming back for more again and again and again. Famously, Hollywood, Beverly Hills, LA. Jesus. Did you just help Luke? Yeah, that burp saved up. He's been holding that in since Encino, man. Jesus Christ. Oh my God.

What is going on, Paulie? Oh, tender touch. Giannis isn't having it. One of the best B2 sets I've ever seen. I just met him upstairs. Okay. Yeah, so. I love it. I like him, but you know how it is. Yeah. These New Yorkers, they don't do a lot of the touchy-touch. Oh, New York. Okay, I get it. That's why he's a little resistant.

Not like this fucking little guy likes me to touch him. Come on, get your pants clean. No, this has been fun. Those are. Those are a lot of action, those pants. Great pants. Nice to see mold is coming back. The only guy I know has a yeast infection on the outside. Mmm.

Give it up for Harlan Williams, who hasn't had a movie farther than since I've had a fucking movie. Fucking cocksucker. What was he in? Rocket fucking man, and what was it? The other thing? Yeah, but I did it by choice. He was supposed to be in Biodome, right? Is that what you keep saying? Well, I was originally cast in Biodome, and they booted me off, and they put you in. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Give him a hand. That's my son. Isn't he great, huh? Free op. Gonna be a girl in the morning. It is amazing to be up here with both of you. I mean, I have been watching you guys for fucking, what is it, 20 years or whatever. Yeah, the movie started. When did you do your stuff? No, Zee.

It was like 30 years ago. Yeah, I was eight years old when Dumb and Dumber came out with the great Harland Williams. And of course, half-baked, a huge part of my fucking childhood. Me, myself, and Irene. No thanks, I'm busy. So many greats. Was supposed to be the Amish guy in Kingpin, but had a series that he had to do instead. That's right. Yeah. Holy God. But let's keep the focus on Paul, shall we?

We were supposed to do Encino Man 2, but Brendan Fraser fucked up and got an Oscar, bro. Yeah. He's not going from an Oscar to fucking Encino Man 2. You should have pushed Encino Man 2 just two or three years ago, and you would have had it. I spoke to Andy Dick recently. Oh, wow. We're going over all the 90s. He wanted to do celebrity boxing with me. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm like, dude, I'm desperate. Not that fucking desperate, all right?

I'm pretty sure you could beat him with your elliptical training. And then Stephen Baldwin from Biodome is a Jesus freak now. I don't know if you guys watch him on Instagram, but he's pretty funny. Jesus music plays and he just fucking cries, bro. It's hilarious. He's just like, oh, I'm like, unfollow. I had to unfollow him.

But I loved all my movies. I loved all my movies that I did back in the day. The full evolution of Pauly Shore, an unbelievably talented stand-up comedian, been doing it since you were... How old were you when you started? 17. Yeah. 17 years old. Yeah, my whole life's been a two-drink minimum, pretty much.

Pretty much. No, I started at the comedy store. My parents started it when I was just a little kid. I was probably like four years old. My parents, my mom and dad started it. And I grew up there my whole life. I grew up around the greats. I remember when these guys first came out there many years ago. Tony was working the door. He was working the phones. He was stealing my mom's money behind the fucking booth.

No, that was Renizzisi, sorry. Yeah, it wasn't me. It wasn't me. No, so it's been a pretty cool run, and I'm obviously very happy for you guys out here. Every time I come here, my heart melts because Joe's here. He started the bar downstairs on behalf of my mom. He took the spirit of my mom and brought it in here, and that's what it's about. He really did.

Really did. It lives on. The levels, the door guys are all absolutely killing it. The openers are turning into features. The features are turning into headliners. The headliners here are absolutely driving. And you, you, fuck, dude. You have come a long way. I mean...

Tony tells me, you know, Tony tells me about a month ago, we're texting, we're talking, and this was before it was announced that he's doing Madison Square Garden in the fucking forum. And I'm like, he's like, it's coming. And then literally next week, they fucking put it on for sale. And I saw this show start in the belly room of the comedy store in front of like three people. It was like them and the Ding Dong Show. That was pretty much it, right? And now look at this. And so I'm really happy for Tony, and it's pretty fucking cool. Yeah.

And of course, Red Band. Red Band. Of course. He's the ying to your yang. Yeah, totally. Wouldn't be able to do it without him. I mean, totally. Have you seen this guy look up a song on SoundCloud? There he is. The Red Band sound effect. There he is. He's just pigging around. There he is. The pig to my yang. We have a lot of fun.

Pauly, you're killing it. Tell the people about the new... Yeah, well, we have a show here. I think Joe asked me to be on his show tomorrow night. Your pants look like a razor blade. No, this is what happens. It's cool, right? Is this cool or no? So I'll be on his show tomorrow and then I have a show here on Wednesday night. Those pants are very telling. I see Pauly and the weasel right now. Look at this fucking thing. Dude, want to touch the nub, bro?

Touch the little knob. Look at that. I see your little bitsy shore down there. You know what I'm saying?

No, we got the Richard Simmons biopic, which I'm playing the role of Richard Simmons. We're working on that, so you'll see that shit that's coming out. And Pauly and the Krusties is absolutely booming. I don't know if you guys know, but Pauly has a band. He's the front man of a band, Pauly and the Krusties. You want to do a little song for us here tonight? Well, I want to, but it's up to them. Do they want me to do a song? You want Pauly to do a song? Yeah.

The best damn band in the land backing them up. What are we doing tonight, Pauly? I was at the Red Blue Ribbon. What's the strip club called? The Red Rose. Proud sponsor of Kill Tony through it all. And we got your very own Isabella here tonight. She's going to help me with the dance. And this song is called Bad to the Bone by George Thurgood. I hope you guys enjoy it. Oh, shit. Here we go. Pauly Shore. A lot of people are like, maybe now's a good time for a smoke break outside. Oh, shit.

No better time. So press play. Let's go. Press play. It's a live band. We don't really press play here. Press play. Come on, Austin motherfucking Texas. Make some noise for Pauly Shore, everybody. On the day I was born Nurses all gather round They say the white window To the joy that you found The head nurse woke up

Said leave this one alone She could tell right away She's ready to bone Ready to bone

Ready to bone Get that mold away from me I want a fucking bone It's like Raisin Bread Alright, alright, alright That's good, Pauly Good enough Pauly, live Uh-oh, there goes the table for sure Alright I feel like I just saw Talent Night at a senior's home Okay, Pauly, the table's not built for that Alright, there he goes Pauly Shore, everybody Sauna

There he goes. There he goes. Makes a nice recall. He brought the worst stripper from the Red Rose with him. It's unbelievable. I don't think she was one of the dancers. I'm telling you, they're an official sponsor of the show. They have a lot better than that at the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. Don't let that...

Oh, you guys, okay, I'm sorry. What do you want? You don't want me to make jokes anymore? Okay. I'll do a serious episode the rest of the show. How about one more time for the stunning girl from the Red Rose? I think Pauly heard her wrong. She said she was a paint stripper. Jesus, Pauly's pants. It looks like Picasso had diarrhea.

It is unbelievable. Unbelievable. How about one more time for Pauly, everybody? All right. We got to go back to this bucket again. Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Priya Bluntz, everyone. Priya Bluntz. Okay. It's Priya. What's up, guys? I just recently came back from Columbia, the country. We got any Colombians here?

Alright, let's talk shit. I saw a beauty service down there where you can take brown nipples and tattoo them into pink nipples. I know. Usually I support women with whatever they want to do to their bodies. You know? But I do also believe like at the very least shouldn't your nipples match your pussy lips? Like if

some guy you don't think he's gonna notice you have like turkey nipples and a pastrami pussy you know like your pussy's saying I and then your nipples are like sorry I don't speak Mexican all right I'm Priya Blunt my nipples are still brown Priya Blunt's 50 seconds very good set

Thank you. You've been on this show before, correct? I have not been on this show before, but I've done the roast battle here. Okay. And I judged it. You did. That's where I know you from. Absolutely. How did that go that night? I don't remember. I won. Very good. Yeah.

Very funny stuff. Where are you from? New York City. How long have you lived here? You live here now? I do not live here. I was just here for a week. Yeah. Okay. How'd the week go for you? It was cute. It was cute. I did like a bunch of shows every night. I did the mic right before this. I had a good time. Austin's a good time. Yes. Lots of shows to do. Lots of fun to be had. What did you do non-comedy related that was fun here? I ate barbecue. Mm-hmm.

I fucked a really tall guy. Ooh, look at that. Were you the pussy bump? No. Oh my God, no. Okay. They don't have a lot of tall guys in New York. That's true, Giannis. There's not a lot of tall guys in New York. Have you heard of the Knicks? No.

They even have a tall Asian, I do believe, there. Yeah. There's tall guys in New York, I think. I don't know where they are. Where'd you meet the tall guy? Where'd you meet him? I want to call him a chuckle fucker because he saw my set and then was just really into me. Right? Well, John Wayne Gacy was a chuckle fucker, too. Might want to watch your step there, corn on the cob, Sally.

So this guy came up to you after your set. What was his line? I used to play football. And that was it? That's all you remember? Yeah. You invited him back to your hotel? Yeah. Okay. That's a lot of... Okay, okay. Nothing like fucking someone washed up. He used to play football? Yeah. Well, don't... Yeah, me.

I was all, yeah, you're right back. And he'll yanny pop us you right back. Yanny pop us you right back. Is that all it took? I used to play football and you were like, let's fuck? I mean, he's really hot. Did he say high school, college? Do you know what D1 is? I don't know what that is. Yeah, D1. Hell yeah, that's college. And if he said D1 without saying the college, then that's probably not that great of a college. Yeah.

It was D1. That's all it takes to get 1D for you.

Just go! So. By the way, this is just off for some of the nerds out here. D1 is also one of the lesser known robots from Star Wars Chapter 3. That is true. It's true. It is true. I did also shoot guns. I shot guns out here. Okay. It was fun. Do you know what kind of guns you shot? I should have led with that. Sounds like a violent date. It was a semi-automatic. What ethnicity are you? I'm Indian. Okay.

Straight up regular Indian? Yep. Okay. Not Middle Eastern at all? No. So you had no urge while shooting the semi-automatic to just shoot it straight up in the air like that in celebration of getting D1D? No, I did not do that. Right. Okay.

Okay. Very interesting. What do your Indian parents think about you chasing such an elusive dream of being a stand-up comedian? Oh, they hate it, obviously. Right. What did they want you to be? Just a doctor. Right. Exactly. And when did you know you weren't going to be a doctor? Very young. Maybe when I was like 17. Right. What did you want to do when you were 17? I wanted to be a lawyer. Mmm. Yeah. They were still proud of you at that point. Yeah.

And then how old were you when you decided you wanted to do it? Actually, my mom said that I couldn't be a lawyer because why would anybody choose a brown woman as their lawyer when there's all these Jewish men? Which is valid. And now I do comedy where there's even more Jewish men. That's true. That's true. And you stand out. You stand out in a pile. Very good. Priya, what else? Anything else we should know about you? Any special skills or talents? I roll a mean blunt.

Really? Is your last name really Blunt? No. No, you have a wacky Indian name that you're avoiding. It's actually Patel. It's very unwacky. It's actually Patel. It is not even an Indian of a name. I rule him in, Blunt. I do not sound like that. I don't even sound like that. What are you, the Indian C-3PO for fuck's sake?

I do not like that. I will roll you a blunt. I will fuck an old football player. I am D1-3PO. Fucking go backstage and oil yourself. I am R2-D1. Okay, love it. So you roll a mean blunt. Very good. Okay, that's good. She rolls a mean football player, too. Hello? Hello?

Priya, fun stuff. A great set. We'd love to see more of you. Come back next time you're in town. Sign up again. Thank you, guys. Amazing stuff. How long are you in town for? I leave on Wednesday. Leave on Wednesday. I used to play college...

You know what I think might be fun for you? The great Brian Simpson hosts an unbelievable show here at the Mothership called Bottom of the Barrel where the audience decides premises. You pick them out of the barrel. You can have your first actual set here at the Mothership tomorrow night. You want to do that? Oh, hell yeah.

Bottom of the barrel tomorrow night. Priya Blunt brought to you by Brian Simpson. Here on the show, the late show, the 10 or 10.30, whatever it is. Priya Blunt, everybody. There she goes. Follow her at Priya Blunt. And we are down to your final bucket full of the night. And he goes by the name, anything can happen, goes by the name of Davey Jackson. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Davey Jackson. Here we go. What's up, Austin? Hey.

Oh man, I'm so glad I dressed like a competitive vapor tonight. This is cool. I'm excited. Question for God. If God didn't want me to have sex with Down Syndrome people... Hang on. Whoa. If God didn't want me to have sex with Down Syndrome people, why did he make all their asses so fat? Like all of them? They're all caked up fucking dump trucks on retard... What? What?

All of them. And I'm not supposed to hit that. What I'm trying to say is I miss my ex. I'm just kidding, my ex was not retarded. She did have OCD though. Which was interesting. I was never annoyed by the OCD. It was inconvenient sometimes. Like one time we were laying in bed and she was fucking with the light switch. Actually, I'm gonna end there, Tony. I'm just gonna do that.

Okay, you don't want to finish it? I mean, it's all good. The bear's out of the action now, if you want to finish it. She had OCD, flipping the light switch. We were laying in bed, actually. I was laying in bed. She was fucking with the light switch. And she flipped this thing like 20, 30 times. And I finally asked her, I was like, hey, are you cool? Is everything good? And she goes, I just feel like if I don't do it right, something bad's going to happen to my whole family. And I was like, yeah, bitch, it's me.

Davey Jackson with an absolutely incredible performance. Amazing. Amazing. This is unbelievably well-performed, well-written, well-executed performance. It's so cool to see that Chris D'Elia's reinvented himself. Unbelievable. 17's legal in Texas.

Wow. Davey, how long have you been doing stand-up? About four and a half years now. Four and a half years. Have you been on this show before? I have. I'm the guy that sold pills. Sold pills. For legal reasons, I do not sell pills anymore. Please stop DMing me. Please. Totally don't sell pills. What kind of pills were you selling before? Uh...

The good kind, Tony. A lot of, you know, opiates. Okay. A little Xanax. All right. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Very good. Very good. It goes on and on. He's out here. A real full market. Do you have any birth? Any what? Birth. Birth? Control pills. Oh. Birth is short for birth control pills. Got it. Not real good at what you do there, guy.

I know where to find a good pair of stairs. And this guy doesn't even know. Put on a lumber jacket. Go suck on the front end of a canoe. You know, I've heard that before, Harlan. That's crazy. By the time he figured out what birth control pills, the fucking baby was born already. No, they're all in heaven, Tony. Where's the stupid thing? There it is. It would have been better if I had it on the fucking... That's why I red banned the... Okay. Um...

So Davey, how long has it been since you were on the show, ballpark? Like six months. Six months. Okay. Yeah. Last time I talked about being homeschooled in a cult. Jesus. There he is. There he is. It was that bad? Jesus Christ, Redman. Okay. So you were homeschooled. What's been going on since the last six months that you were on the show? You live here in Austin now? No, no. I live in San Antonio. Okay. Hold your applause. How's that going?

I mean, it's cool, man. It's actually really cool there. We have a lot of Latin women, which I love. You do. All right. You were like stabbed by one or something? Yeah, Pauly called me out, said he couldn't find the scar, but I got stabbed in the ribs, yeah. Right, I kind of remember this. Yeah, yeah. And how have the Latina women been treating you lately? Oh, amazing.

Amazing. Dude, they're all crazy as shit. Yeah. And I love that. You like them crazy. Very much so. Okay, so what type of crazy things have they been doing to you lately? Oh, fuck. Stabbing them in the ribs. One of them got me... Why the fuck did she stab me in the ribs? What provoked that? You told her that she was bad at dancing to Bad to the Bone with Pauly Shore? You told her her ass wasn't as fat as a retarded girl and...

She got upset. Dude. A retard Latin? Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. That's my speed. Absolutely. That's where the extra chromosome goes. That's how you like it. No doubt. No doubt. The old fucking... The old...

Wild Chalupa. Bean and cheese. That's my housekeeper's name, actually. Chalupa, yeah. Very interesting that you have a housekeeper. What do you do for work? Now I just do comedy. And don't sell pills. And do not sell pills at all. You're a real dirtball. What?

I've also heard that before, yeah. Did something happen from the last episode that changed your mind of being so public about you being a drug dealer? Yeah, Reddit happened. Reddit and my DMs happened. Your fans are insane, Tony. They're insane. They're humans. I got like 50 DMs asking like, hey, can you get me some bars or something? Well, 47 of those were probably police officers. You ever think about that?

I mean, probably, yeah, that's probably true. Davey, very, very, very fun jokes. You drive often from San Antonio to perform here? All the time, every week. Right. Yeah. Because there's not much of a scene there other than LOL comedy clubs. Yeah, LOL's great. There's Upstage Comedy Lounge is really cool too. Yeah, there's a couple places. Can I circle back to something? Absolutely.

Why did she stab you in the ribs? Okay. She had gone through my phone and I was okay. Go ahead. It's okay. I'm just a man. She went through my phone and she found some text messages that she did not approve of. Wow. So you were texting a rib place? A ribs place? No, it wasn't the food. She didn't stab his ribs like the meal. It was his actual body organ.

Hey, my bad. Fuck me. You thought she stabbed his leftover ribs? Hey, we are in Austin. Terry Blacks goes hard. It goes hard in the paint.

If you can make it, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday here in Austin, Texas. Oh, I'd love to, man. Yeah, absolutely. There you go. Thank you so much. You already have a big joke book? I do, yeah. There he goes. Davey Jackson, everybody. Here's some Zippix Energy toothpicks. For the great people over at Zippix, zip more, smoke less. And we've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. How many of you have been fans for the show for a long time? Woo!

Well then you guys probably know what's about to happen. Hall of Fame member,

The record holder for all-time appearances on the show and interviews on the show. I present to you the Tijuana Tarantula, the Rio Grande Rabble Rouser, the Carolina Caboose, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery! ♪♪

Shhh!

He fucking sold me pills a couple of nights ago, so I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. Last week, an elderly couple in South Carolina was found dead in their home after the faulty heater in their house reached 1,000 degrees. Good thing they died because their utility bill was about to be fucking brutal. What the fuck?

They have released the list of men who partied with Jeffrey Epstein, and one of the more surprising names was the paralyzed astronomer Stephen Hawking. I'm sure the conversation went something like, hello, little girl, I feel nothing in my entire body, and my penis doesn't function at all, but I need you to touch it anyway. LAUGHTER

Remember when people bragged about having good gaydar? Yeah, I've got gaydar. It's called AIDS, you idiot. Okay. That's my time. Boom. He did it again and again and again and again and again and again and again. Unbelievable. One minute, 15 seconds.

From the reigning defending Hall of Fame member and legend of the show, icon in every single way, William Lights Out Montgomery. How do you feel, William? I will be honest with y'all. I wanted to relapse on cocaine tonight. Corduroy Xavier, who was here earlier, there was a time when I was doing Kill Tony at the Comedy Store, and I went back to Corduroy Xavier's place one night and

and was there till 11 a.m. the next day, and at one point in time, I remember thinking, is this guy gonna fucking kill me? But then I thought, wait, maybe he should be scared of me. Maybe I'm about to fucking kill this dude. And...

I let him, I let it not happen. I let, I stopped myself. I didn't fucking kill him. But there was a point in time where I was like, maybe I preemptively need to just fucking strangle his fucking ass before he takes me out. But then I started thinking, Tony, I'm not built for prison. I don't want to, I can't, I had to stop watching fucking Scared Straight. I was having fucking nightmares about being in prison. So Tony, I can't even watch Scared Straight anymore, man. Tony, I can't even watch Scared Straight anymore, man.

I've been working on that a bunch, Risa. Can we watch that shit a moment?

But yeah, Corduroy Xavier and I, we got fucked up on cocaine one night. So this is back in your heavy drinking, heavy drug days. Yeah, this was probably 2020 maybe. And how much drugs or drinking do you think you did that night, if you had to guess? So people know. We probably each did a gram of cocaine and...

The people from San Antonio go wild there. I know. That's a bunch of fucking drug-addicted fucking pieces of shit down in San Antonio. I wish you didn't even fucking bring up San Antonio, Tony.

No, I like San Antonio. But it was quite the evening, but it's much better to be on the other side of that. Right. Yes, here you are, absolutely thriving. There were a lot of... People don't remember. There was a lot of sloppy sets back then, a lot of unpreparedness, a lot of lack of execution. But I saw something special in you back then. You've got to remember. A lot of people don't remember this. You probably do. But...

96% of the fan base hated you for a long time. Well, look at them. Are you going to write me a check tonight as you've been writing everybody checks tonight? How much do you want, kid? I just need another $175 to get the escalator back to the apartment. I need...

$175 away from me. Great call. $175 and I've been handing out millions to everyone else. $175. Can I ask a question? It sounds like you have a rich history here. Yes, very much so. I'm trying to think of one question that maybe nobody's ever asked. If you'll indulge me, friend. Have you ever snuck up into the graveyard in the middle of the night and

Covered your face in gravy and pretended you were a meatloaf monster? Yeah. Be honest. Yeah, no, I have. There's a graveyard in Memphis with a stone grotto, and the stone grotto was where I lived when I was the meatloaf monster. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for sharing. What would you do to be the meatloaf monster? In what ways was the meatloaf monster different than William Montgomery? Guys, I was only fucking around.

You'll be surprised. This guy really has a rich history. Wow, okay. Let's go, B. It would take me sometimes hours to find my way into the stone grotto. Once I got into the stone grotto in the graveyard, it would take me, I don't know, 30 minutes to get all the meatloaf on my face, all the gravy on my face. Yeah.

I'd have to get everything just right. And yeah, I mean, it's another 45 minutes to find my way out of the grotto and the thing. So yeah, it took a lot of time. Oh, you're just a little darling. He is.

He used to not be. He used to be a real troublemaker. Not now. Now he's a meatloaf darling. I know. I love meatloaf. I don't know at what point, but at some point he got scared straight. It's hard to scare the gay out of someone, but good for you. Thank you. Thank you. He said it. Scared straight, he said.

You are so funny. Unbelievable how funny you are. One of my favorites of all time. That's the best scared straight joke I've ever heard. Oh, and the entire book. Fuck yeah. Knock yourself out. Go out to KFC and get the extra large coleslaw, you dirty twat. You know what's crazy? I'm actually a member of a dolphin bank with no numbers. Let me read it to you. ...

A little Donnie meatloaf.

William, anything else that we need to know about you before we let you go? I was in Rochester this past weekend and I have to say I love garbage plates. I had eight garbage plates and Tony, I finally had my All Brand Buds today and I ate a large pizza last night as well. I've been on one recently. But yeah, I ate the All Brand Buds today and I have shit five times today. Amazing. Feeling pretty good right now. There's a lot going on there. What do you have in your hoodie pocket there?

What's in the pocket of your hoodie? Oh, about last night. Oh, I was asking about the hoodie, not even the vest, but let's go. What's in the vest? Oh, no, nothing's in here. Oh, nothing. Oh. Yeah, no, nothing's in there. It looks like it was stuffed with something. It's belly button. He has an Audi. No, there's nothing in there. What's in there? You have anything in there? There's nothing in here. Nothing in your pockets? No. How about your sweatpants? No, my sweatpants don't have pockets. It's like you have a little something stuffed in that front pocket there.

Yeah, well, it's fucking 15 degrees outside. It's a nightmare outside right now. I hate it. Do you get harder when it's cold outside? Yeah. Yeah. What do you got in there? You got a little Florida gator in there? Got a little medium red machine? Got a little Tijuana tarantula? Little Raleigh fucking recluse? It's like you got something hiding out in there. You get harder...

Okay. Did you just do the Pillsbury Doughboy laugh? Yeah. Yeah. Looks like you got to roll a cookie dough in your pants. What are we working with down there, William? Those sweatpants are very revealing. Nothing says loving like an erection in blue track pants. Ha ha ha!

This was such a mistake to have worn these fucking sweatpants tonight. I was trying to have fun tonight. It was seeming all right. I don't think it's a mistake at all. I think it's a word out there to anyone who threatens you. Or, you know, I think it's a brag to your enemies. It appears as though you have one of the largest flaccid penises in the history of the show. It looks like a smurf got hit by a toboggan.

It's not that funny, dumbass. Oh my God, somebody's looking sloppy tonight. Holy shit. Fuck. Fuck.

He's dressed like he got a call from the police station that his son's in jail and he's got to go bail him out tonight. It's a middle of the night attire that you're wearing. Did you get dressed really fast tonight? Were you napping perhaps?

Yeah, I mean, it's freezing cold outside and we lost power in the apartment and I got this little generator thing and it wasn't working so it's freezing cold and this is all... This is what I've been wearing for two days. Two days now. Wow. The sweatpants and those shoes just... There's two things that couldn't go together worse than those shoes. Yeah.

It's not that funny, you fucking idiot. God, you look... William. God. Looks like you're about to go log rolling at a blueberry festival. And I mean that. I mean that. That and there's a fucking beekeeper behind you. Watch out. Wow. He's actually been a beekeeper on this show before. He was in full beekeeper attire. I have. I remember the guy... I'm talking about the drummer. Yep. I see it. Yeah.

I see it now. I see it. William, we announced recently that the show is going to the LA Forum and two shows at Madison Square Garden. How does this make you feel knowing that you're performing at some of the biggest, most famous arenas in the world?

I mean, I'm going to be honest with y'all right now. At the very beginning, when I first tried all brand buds, I was like, is this stuff even... Is this stuff for real? And then I found out it was. And then, Tony, I'm hearing the news, Madison Square Gardens, I'm thinking to myself, is this for real? And then...

I fucking wake up one morning and I'm thinking, holy shit, I don't know if I'm ever going to stop. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yeah, you love it right there, you bitch. Fucking idiot, don't look at me like that. William the Great Montgomery, everybody.

And we did it again. Harlan Williams has the Harlan Highway podcast available everywhere. Dallas, Texas at Hyena's February 9th through the 10th. Giannis Pappas Hour available everywhere. San Francisco at Cobb's February 9th and the 10th. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in and it is unbelievable. Thank you to Gel Blaster, Yellow Rose, Red Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, Hall of Law Firm, Ninja Buses, Connect Mobile Health, and michaellair.threadless.com. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight.

Whoa, wild William Montgomery. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band. That's Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muehling, John Dees, and Beat Madness. How about one more time for Giannis Pappas and Harlan Williams, everybody. Woo!

Thank you to everyone. The mothership. Make sure you over tip your weight, staff. We'll see you at the forum in Madison Square Garden. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com if you're ever in Texas. Second highest ceilings in the business. That's right. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. ... ... ...

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