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This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Back on my stand-up tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the Fully Grown Tour before this. Vancouver, Portland, and Seattle. You're next. January 25th, 26th, and 27th. And then Los Angeles, California, I do stand-up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, and New York.
St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taking some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now at TonyHinchcliffe.com. This is going to be my last stretch of the stand-up tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Kill Tony from there. So hope to see you soon. ♪
Thank you
Yes, everyone. Here we go. Here comes Heath. Oh, shit. Okay. Fuck yes. Make some fucking noise for Heath Cordes. I sometimes tell people that I was never born. And that I have been present through all of what has been and what will be. Thank you.
See, I came into existence before the earth and stars, and I will be here on the day they fall because I am ageless. But yet old enough to fuck your mother. I gotta stop buying them suits from the car wash, nigga. The Mexicans caught you coming, nigga. My friend, my friend, you want a suit?
Did your, uh, did your gym burn down? He doesn't give a fuck how he gets. If y'all don't fuck with Keir Tony, you a pussy nigga. Gang violence. Gang violence. If y'all don't fuck with Tony Hensclip, you a pussy nigga. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Suck my dick and my pussy and my crap. We'll be right back. Oh my God, he's licking the dog. I'm her mama. Kurt Mastin, boy, you look like a useless ass man, nigga. His special power is that his toenails get real long, nigga.
We did not even get to the most interesting thing about. All right. Stop playing music. Stop playing music. They accused me of leading the Pledge of Allegiance on the Capitol steps on January 6th. Were you there? I cannot confirm or deny. Freedom. Where are you sleeping tonight? OK, OK. Do you know where you're going to park your car?
Where I can find a spot, I guess? As being raised by a sweet Jewish single mom, I can't let you sleep in your fucking car tonight. I'm going to get you a hotel for three nights here in Austin, all right? Oh, look at that. Oh, my God. Wow. Just keep grinding, man. I can't do that. Just keep hustling, man, and crush that job interview on Wednesday. And don't you fucking jerk off in the La Quinta lobby. All right.
November 18th, I'm doing the Celebrity Theater in Phoenix, Arizona. November 18th. That is a massive, one of the biggest theaters in your hometown. Would you like to do a guest spot on that show? I'm going on tour in October to Florida to do six dates. You want to open for me? He got a job!
♪ I got a sweet little dog ♪ ♪ Yesterday, yesterday ♪ ♪ I got a sweet little dog ♪ ♪ Yesterday, yesterday ♪ - Everybody! - I went to kill Tony. - Yeah. - First of all, what a fuck. I've seen it on YouTube a thousand times.
But in person, un-fucking-real. It's such a great show. It's hard. It's like, you know it's really not scripted, but it feels like it because it gets so fucking out of hand at times. You're like, there's no way this wasn't rehearsed. I'm telling you, man. But you're watching it unfold. Every week it happens like that. Tony's the master. He is so sharp. He's so sharp. He's so good at being the host of one of those shows.
And now, please rise for your national anthem presented by double Grammy-nominated CMA New Artist of the Year, Chili Roll! What's up, Austin, Texas? Now, as you could expect, there was no way I was missing Kill Tony live at a motherfucking arena. Now, please...
Join me and it's not only encouraged, is it expected that you help me sing the greatest song for the greatest country on earth? Don't let me down. I still got music here. There we go. Thank you. I got scared. I'm already too high to be singing such an important song. So you're going to have to help me out. Oh, see, can you see? Father, what's so proud?
Come on! Yeah!
As loud as you can. Ladies and gentlemen,
♪♪ ♪♪
Hey, coming to you from the H-E-B Center in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Give it up! Oh!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight? Austin, I think you can do a little fucking better than that. Who's ready for the best fucking night? Yippee! Make some noise for Brian Redman, everybody. Hi! Live in the flesh.
This is it. This is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. We're in a fucking arena. We're doing it, people. The unthinkable. Absolutely unthinkable. From the belly room to the main room to the fucking everywhere in between. This is it. You're at the first ever Kill Tony in an arena. This is unbelievable. This is it.
How about one more time for literally one of the greatest artists in the world, Jelly Roll, huh? Is that fucking something?
Brought to you by the Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Austin Security Guard Service, Hall Law Firm, and Connect Mobile Health. We got IV drips today. We are in tip-top shape. Highly recommended this weekend. ConnectMobileHealth.com. Use the promo code KILL15 for 15% off. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives? How about one more time for the band, everybody? That is OG member Jetski Jessie Johnson on her trumpet.
The great Paul Deemer on the horns. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. James Atkins on percussion. The great, absolutely amazing Dane Relaford on the keys. Madman Matt Muehling on the electric. The leader of the band, John Dees on the keyboard.
And the absolute backbone and charisma, the one and only The Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Well, let's just jump right into it. I am so excited about the show that we have prepared for you here. We're just going to get right into it. I booked this thing and I decided, you know, we could have gone.
One way, we could have gone another way. There was no doubt in my mind who I wanted for this show. One guest. One guest only. I said, who cares about hype or celebrity or this or that? I want funny. You guys like funny? Yes!
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a guest. He's only been on the show one time before, but my God, he left an imprint like none other. I do believe a 100% approval rating. I present to you a man that I've worked with for 17 years, a renegade of show business. This is indeed the one and only Dr. Phil! Yeah!
Oh my.
Austin, make some fucking noise if you're feeling good tonight. It's a good night to be alive. It's a good night to wear that hat.
I lost my virginity here. I'm looking to lose it again tonight. We gonna have a good time or what? Let's fucking go. He is back, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest guests in the history of the show, Dr. Phil. He helps people. He leads their lives in the right direction.
And is also absolutely hilarious. Well, I got to be honest, Tony, the reception I received on YouTube, and I don't read the comments. I read the Pornhub comments, which, by the way, my man, good to see you. Anal69 at Yahoo.com up front.
But, you know, and you're right. They don't have enough clit. But... But I just think that the Kill Tony fans have taken this relationship to another level, and I'm fucking here for it, baby. We're gonna...
We're going to keep it right here. We ain't going anywhere. Dr. Phil, you've done it before. We're in it again. Look at Red Band's mustache. Look at that fucking, look at that AIDS mobile. I did it for you, Dr. Phil. You look good. You're paying homage. I dig it. Good to see you, brother. He looks great. He looks like bready mercury. Stop.
Here we go. Here we go. So, very exciting stuff, Dr. Phil. You know how it works. We actually have an entire... Can you light up the comic section? Do we have lights on that? There it is. We have that comic section light. There's an action... There they are. Look at these motherfuckers. Wow. Wow.
For those of you that have wondered what it looks like, that's what it is. A lot of people on the inside have signed up too. We're going to try to run it. This is our first arena, so it's practice for us too. We're going to see how it goes. Comedians, how are you guys doing tonight? You good? Chaos. So they literally don't know. You're going to get to watch in real time someone go from sitting on their ass to having the opportunity of their lifetime. Tony, if they're there, who's working at Petco right now?
You guys are fucking... I love that. You guys are killing it. Keep riding that magic school bus, player. A lot of characters and creatures in that fucking corner, I'll tell you that much. I'd buy coke from probably 60% of them. You live a wild life, Dr. Phil. Well, it's 2023, about to be 2024. That's why I'm fired up to be at this table right now. I fucking love it.
I'm excited. So you guys know how it works. If I pull one of these names out of the bucket, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood. Ladies and gentlemen. Which, oh shit, what is this? What the fuck? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. He's conked. The actual West Hollywood bear is here, ladies and gentlemen.
For the first time ever in his history, he's here. He's live in the flesh. He made it all the way out. Hey, get out of here. Hey, you forgot one. Get out of here. Here you go. You have to throw dildos at him to make him go away. Go ahead and put that last one in my green room, bear. So there you have it. We're going to start the fucking show. You guys ready? Let's fucking do it, baby.
There's only one way to start an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. This guy is in for the fight of his life tomorrow night. He has put his regular ship on the line.
Two and a half years of full-time spots. We've watched him progress from absolutely nothing to a full-time, selling-out stand-up comedian. A global attraction. And here he is with a brand new 60 Seconds. Wait a second. You know what? Do you guys know the words to this song? 60 Seconds.
What's up? I think catcalling is horrible, but without catcallers, female comedians would not write their own premises. Write your own jokes, bitch. I like how when men went on insult each other, we just call each other women. Like, hey, look, this guy's having a pizza with the napkins.
What are you, the object of my desire? What are you, a person whose approval determines my self-worth? You want to start a family together? I am very jealous of white people. You know, white people are away for two seconds and they already have bigger eyes than me. I've been working on this since 11 a.m. today. You know how scared I have to be just to be able to see? All right, that's my time. Thank you. Yeah, okay.
Hans Kim, a solid performance. Absolutely adorable shirt. Where do you get? Do you make those yourself? What is that? This is actually from Amazon.com. I was watching a documentary about cartels and I thought they had very good confidence for skinny men.
And I adopted their culture. And you wore that right out of the little bag folded, right? I can tell you can see like the fold marks in it still. I still have the tag on it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Of course it does. That looks like the shirt you definitely wear to massage parlors that take Bitcoin. Yeah.
It is incredible, Hans. You got the tag. Are you planning on returning it to Amazon? I was thinking that would be a cool story to do an arena in a shirt and then return it to Amazon. Yeah, well, that fucking backfired. No, it's a good idea. Now, how many tags on shirts do you have currently in your closet, Hans? Probably 17. All right, next question. Tony?
Amazing. And how's life been going, Hans? How did that feel? That felt amazing. This is a dream come true. Thank you guys so much. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Now, Hans has done a lot of arenas before. Normally in the round, he's famously open for Joe Rogan many times. And tomorrow night, you fight for your absolute existence on the show in an absolute barn burner of a battle. It's you versus Rick Diaz. The whole world is talking about it. I saw that a betting, an actual betting site opened up bets. You're a minus 300 favorite. Damn.
Holy shit. How you feeling, Hans? You nervous? You excited? You hard? I am hard and excited. I respect bookies a lot more than I have ever respected them. They know their comedy is what I think because I feel like Rick has very basic comedy. Hell yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow.
Now, is there any way we could do like if I threw something at you right now, would you have a are you ready for that sort of back and forth with Rick tomorrow night or is it? Yes. So if I was Rick and I said, Hans, you look like you eat pussy with chopsticks. What would you say? I would say, Rick, you can't eat anything because there's a space between your teeth and you can't bite down.
On anything. Oh, flag on the play. Flag on the play. Very controversial response there. Yeah, it got weird. He would still have the teeth would still work because some food would get stuck between, but he could still eat things. I would say, Rick, you're a little bitch. There we go. And he's back. And he's back. Saved it.
Amazing. Amazing. But you've prepared hard for tomorrow night's battle. Yes. I have a couple of jokes about, you know, Hamas. Yes. I don't want to spoil it. I won't say it, but it's about genocide. Oh, I like it. I like it. I'm just kidding. It's not going to be about genocide.
Now, is that a topic you'd bring up on a first date with a gal, Hans? No, I mean, why keep it basic? Let's go to the next level. Yeah. Well, let's pretend I'm a gal of the night real quick, okay? And I'm sitting across from you at a P.F. Chang's or wherever your dad sells fireworks. And...
And I say to you, boy, this is a great restaurant, Hans. Do you think you'll eat my pussy with chopsticks later? And what would you say? I'd say I would, but there's a genocide happening in Gaza right now. Okay. And that'd probably be the end of that date, but that's funny. I love it. I can't wait. You're in an arena. Did your girlfriend make it here tonight? Nope. She's not here.
Wow. She's sick. She apparently has a good excuse. She's high on mushrooms right now. She's been texting me. She's apparently having a bad reaction to mushrooms. I hope she's okay. But yeah, she chose to do drugs instead of supporting me emotionally tonight.
There you go. This sounds like everything's right on schedule with your relationship. Well, Hans, you got us started here tonight. We're going to keep it moving along and we're pumped for your performance tomorrow night. Thank you. This could technically be a second to last set ever on the show. Oh. One more time for the great Hans Kemp.
And here we go. Bucket poll number one starts now. This is the moment I've been waiting for for a long time. When I pitched this idea to my agent to do this show in an arena, he said, you
Oh, my goodness. Oh, shit. The Yellow Rose presents Heidi, everybody. We have bucket pool girls tonight. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Look at all the angry white women in the front row just hating this moment. What the fuck did you bring me to? This is supposed to be a fucking comedy. Oh, shit.
Oh my God, Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil. - I'm married, Tony. - Dr. Phil, I gotta say, I gotta say Dr. Phil, that ass looks like it's been Dr. Phil'd. Or filled by a doctor. - Funny, funny. - All right, let's see what happens here. Let's light up these comedians and see what we got. Make some noise for Yasmina Coker, everybody. Yasmina Coker, oh there she is.
In real time, here she comes. The person in the farthest corner, of course. Thank you, Destiny. Hell yeah. Are you excited to be here tonight or what?
Fun two nights ahead. And so it has begun. Hans Kim and your first bucket full. Oh, I was saying, my agent said, you think people are really going to want to see people's first times or an amateur in an arena? Make sure he has Mina Coker. This is my first time ever doing comedy. I came here tonight with my boyfriend. And honestly, we had an amazing travel here. We got on the train.
I had no clue that I was gonna come up here tonight guys. I'm honestly just so blessed that I made it here tonight and able to see all y'all beautiful faces. And honestly Tony I'm a big fan of you. Me and my boyfriend have been watching you for a while now. Oh! Oh! Okay I'll keep going. Damn! I respect it, I respect it, I respect it.
Yes. Okay, there you go. Yasmina Coker. Wow. Dr. Phil. Well, right off the bat, it's been a personal goal of mine to always meet the real live version of what if Willy Wonka fucked Jada Pinkett Smith? That being said, that be- Hey, fuck you. That was funny. That be- I'm just-
Big fan of both those people. Now, I can tell you were a bit nervous, right? That's first time. We got 25,000 people here. I can't do math. Let's bring Hans back out to solve that properly. But what I dig about you is you took the stage with confidence and then you clenched up. Why? My whole mind just went blank. We saw that. Yeah.
I had stuff, but then as soon as I got up here, I... So have you done stand-up comedy before? I've never done stand-up comedy ever in my life. You've never done stand-up ever in your life. You're the first bucket pool of the night. It's literally never happened. Nobody has ever debuted in an arena before, so how about a hand for that? We can at least give her that.
It was terrible. It was god awful. You completely bombed. Technically no one's bombed this hard ever before in an arena either. It was absolutely incredible. Did you prepare for this? You didn't prepare. What made you sign up tonight? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Let me go first. Boo!
No, no, hey, hey. I'm just joking. But also, a little bit of truth. What made you sign up for this tonight? I had the confidence that I was... Right in the tip of that... Talk into that. Oh, okay, okay. I had the confidence and I was just being confident. Confident? Yeah. But you didn't prepare anything. I didn't.
Go ahead. Do you do a lot of things with confidence that you're not prepared or built for at all? You ever like take the field in an NFL game, like throw out a jersey and just fucking get hit or anything like that? Actually, I joined my college soccer team and I was I thought I was confident and I do good. And my coach told me no. So sometimes sometimes I try to be prepared today. I was one of those days I was not prepared.
Wow. Unbelievable. What do you do? Jesus fucking Christ, Redman. Yeah, how about like a slip and slide sound effect instead of a fucking AK-47, you psycho? All right. Now, what was your first name? Jasmine? It's Yasmina. Who is it? Yasmina. Tasmania. Yasmina. Yasmine. Yes, with a Y. Yasmina. Yasmina. So, was there... I heard Tasmania, but...
Yasmeen, cool name, okay? So you got the cool name, you got the cool outfit, you had the confidence and the swagger, but you just fucking went blank man on us, Damon Wayans style, and you fucking forgot. But is there a topic or a genre of material that you had, you know, somewhat been, you know, farting around with up there? What would you talk about is my question, I guess. Is there anything interesting about, are you a lesbian? No.
- Mom, I'm bisexual. - You're a bisexual? - Bisexual, okay, great. - Okay. - Well, I'm bi-interested in what that means to you. - I like eating vagina and sucking dick, so. - Okay, well, you got me on the first thing, yeah. - Look at that, that's incredible. - Okay, now-- - My guess is there's a lot more vagina being eaten though, am I correct here? - I have a boyfriend that I've been with for two years now. - Oh, okay, all right. Have you guys had like threesomes and things like that?
I plead the fifth. Okay, so yes, we also would have accepted. That's an interesting thing of all the things to avoid. What do you do for a living? I am self-employed. Okay, an entrepreneur. All right. Well, yes, Fina, I mean, the people do not like you. Normally...
If this was LA or New York, a little likable black girl with her head shaped would get a standing ovation. People would be wiping their tears away. But my sweet love, you're in the goddamn middle of Texas right now. And you done fucked up. I will say, I will say, I always try to empathize when someone eats a big pile of shit like she just did.
No, because we've all been there and you got to start somewhere. And what do I always say in my book? You got to start somewhere. And so the edibles are kicking in, by the way. But I do want to say...
But I do want to say that my first show was not a success, Tony. We had a Siamese twin couple on, and they both, they were hermaphrodite Siamese twins. Sounds like ratings gold. Nobody wanted to see it, okay?
And eventually I built my way up into a promising career. So there is time, but you know, maybe fucking, you know, just all you got to do is think of stuff, you know? Yeah. You have to plan for it. You have a good look. You have a good name. Yasmina named after some allergy medication or something like that. It is good. You look like the funniest munchkin in all of Harlem.
But here's a little joke book to go with your little everything else. Absolutely adorable. There she goes, Yasmina Coker, everybody. All right, and we're going to keep it moving here. There we go. Wow. That's what people were afraid of. Are you really going to have someone absolutely bomb in a fucking arena? Yeah.
You know, anything can happen. Alright, let's light up the comedians. John Rice is next. John Rice. Is there a John Rice? I'm not seeing any movement there. There is movement. Oh, they're pointing this way. Oh my goodness, he's waving his arms. Oh yeah, section 118, row zero. I fucked that up. That's right. Holy shit.
That's Isabel, ladies and gentlemen. Jesus fucking Christ almighty. I don't know if I mentioned this, but the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose stuck with us through fucking everything. Loyal sponsors since our arrival in Austin, Texas. How many of you like it when people do good on this show? How many of you like people do bad on this show? Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony show.
debut, I do believe, of John Rhys. Oh yeah, that last dude's gonna be hard to top. He was alright. Oh man, you guys got sexy cameramen up here? Distracting me? Hey camera guy, you got a big dick? That's a no. I do have a big dick. Settle down ladies, I'm gay. And settle down gays, I'm a bottom. You know how ridiculous it is to have a big dick and be a bottom? It's like giving a Buddhist a gun.
So I get all the dumb questions and comments all the other gay guys don't gotta put up with. Like, uh, hey John, you're gay? I had no idea you were gay. I've never seen you do anything gay. So you've never seen me suck a dick or drive my Prius? Thank you, that's my time. Okay, John Rice with a good solid set. 60 seconds. Hell yeah, John. How long you been doing stand-up? About seven years. Seven years. Wow. Where at?
I started up in Seattle and then I moved down here during COVID. Okay. And how long were you in Seattle for? About five years. Right. Yeah. Talk about being a bottom. Seattle fucking sucks. Oh, yeah. Sucks so much. Yeah. I mean, it's not that bad, but, you know. Well, it's not that good either, Dr. Phil. Well, have you been to the Space Needle or sucked a dick under a bridge? Wait, Dr. Phil. I'm asking for a friend.
Dr. Phil, I thought you were from Texas. Why are you defending Seattle so much? Because my wife, Robin, we went there for like a rekindle the marriage trip. Right. You know, sometimes you got to keep things spicy, you know, just ain't enough sometimes. But now. So you started comedy seven years ago. And have you always been gay or when did that get going?
That's a good question, Dr. Phil. I came out after about a year of doing stand-up. Okay. Because I'd written a couple of jokes about being gay, and I was like, well, I got to come out and talk about it, you know? And then, like, you can't just be gay and not come out. Yeah, you can't. All right. We'll be right back.
No, we're going to keep her right here. All right. So now you don't always have a cameraman in the front row of your shows to a cost. So how do you usually open your sets? A little bit of crowd work. Typically a guy sitting with a girl and I'll ask him if he's got a big dick. And typically he'll take a half a second to respond and she kind of will give it away. She gives away the game. So it's good to fuck with. Okay. That was just a basic answer. Yeah.
I'm sorry, I just spaced out. Go ahead, Tony. It is surprising you don't seem gay. So when you came out, how did you do it? Okay, so I didn't, I never have actually come out to anybody. It's just been telling a joke on stage about it. Wait, so are you coming out right now to your family?
Funny you should say that, Dr. Phil, because the way that my mom found out I was gay was by watching one of my stand-up sets on YouTube. Holy shit. Honey, why are you saying that you're a bottom? Do you mean you like bottomless breadsticks? I had to explain to her what a glory hole was. Oh, shit. That's a weird Thanksgiving. Wow. Pass the potatoes. So the top hole's for butt stuff. Pass the carrots, Grandma. And the bottom hole...
It's for penis and butt stuff too. I'm just glad I'm not the only one that's been there, Dr. Phil. Now, have you used a glory hole? And that's the first time I've asked somebody that today.
What was the question? Have you used, don't act like you didn't fucking hear me. I'm two feet away with a fucking microphone. Have you used a glory hole? We'll cut to the tape if you don't want to tell the story. Yeah, 100%. You have? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Describe to us what, describe to us. First of all, ballpark, how many times have you used a glory hole?
Lifetime, maybe... Hold on a second. The fact that you took a huff and a puff and a pause means bare minimum 52 times. Yeah. It's somewhere in the upper 30s, 40s, you know. But that was back whenever I was in the closet and I was kind of, you know, hold on, I'm going to check in with Jetski Johnson here. Were you also a bottom in the glory hole? Yeah. Yeah.
Oh my God, you put your asshole up to the glory hole? Sometimes. God, disgusting. And I am hard as a rock right now. This is incredible. That is incredible. That is so wrong and naughty and nasty. Yeah, thank you for your service, by the way. Eddie, soldier. Now, are these glory holes at like rest stops or in between a Taco Bell KFC combo? So...
You got your, like, one to five star glory holes, Dr. Phil. There's not just one kind of glory hole. There's some that are just, like, in between two stalls in a bathroom that someone has chiseled their way through, like, their Andy Dufresne and shit. Oh, my God. And there's other ones that are, like... The old shitshank redemption. Yeah.
That was good. We'll keep that in. Who fucking... Go ahead. I'm going to be scared every time I hear tapping on the stall next to me. I'm going to be like, oh no, it's coming. He's got to pinch it off and get the fuck out of here.
But then you have other ones that are in like sex shops and they'll be stalls next to each other where you can watch porn in it. But there's a hole in between them and they'll have padding all around the hole, a bar to the left, a bar to the right and a bar above. So you can just watch.
So wait a second. I have so many. Every time he answers the question, I have five more questions, by the way. I'm up to 27 questions right now. So let me start off by saying this. Like, how do you know if someone's on the other side, especially as a bottom back backing up your butt guy? Sounded out, Tony. We got this. Yeah. Yeah. Bottom back. Yeah. Are you like, hey, I'm over here. Do you like fart through the hole? Good question.
You had it. There you go. There it is. Okay, he's allowed two farts for the arena episode. There he goes. Now, is that the regular fart sound effect or the glory hole fart? That was what's called a squeeze fart. Oh. Oh. Okay, there it is. That feels like the one. Yeah. Oh, what's the two-tone fart? Oh. Oh.
Oh, God. That's kind of like rap music. Listen to that fucking... Yeah. It's the motherfucking remix. Glory Hole. Yo. Yeah. Dr. Motherfucking Phil on the Glory Hole, the ones and twos. Wait. Now, I will be rapping, so hold your horses, but...
But I need to say this before we get into Tony's third, fourth, and fifth question. Why are you dressed like a guy who knows everything about glory holes? Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Great answer. Great answer. And that, my friends, is how you come out to your mom over YouTube.
Now, let me get back to question number 43 here. Now, when you back up, is there ever like an accident that you have in the glory hole? Like, is there ever what I would call a holy shit? Like what? Like backing up to it and there's a woman on the other side or something? Oh, that would be terrible for you, right? She's just complaining about her day in the hole. And Becky said, Becky said that I'm not good at cutting hair. And you're just like, shut up, take this.
You're going to make my mustache fall off, Tony. It's a holy war. It's a holy war. Okay, so you're a bottom. You're a big dick bottom. Are there things that you won't do? Will you fuck a guy in the ass? Okay, well, again, the long pause tells us everything we need to know, okay? Like, it depends. What's the pay on that, Tony? I don't know. A spot on Red Band Secret Show. Oh.
For starters, for starters, and for closers, a bucket of KFC so you can bring back some old memories. By the way, famous homophobe D Madness is losing his mind right now.
He's literally uncomfortable. No, stay away. Stay away. Well, let me tell you this. It's admirable that you're owning who you are. I dig that. Okay. Round of applause for that because you shouldn't be afraid of who the fuck you are and what you want to do. That's true. You know? And yeah, you might have some friends reach out to you on Facebook once this episode is fully up and out to the world that say, hey, I didn't know you were into that. But you know what? That's their problem.
OK, what other fun facts besides glory hole, you know, shenanigans would you say define your day to day? Can you stop fucking pausing so much in between sentences? I want to think before I talk. I get it. Yeah, not really. Like I used to drive Uber until a week ago when my Prius died and blew up. So I'm a few months hiring out there. Hey, this faggot needs a job.
What is your work experience? Maybe we can get you a job right now. We're famous for doing this on the show. What type of resume do you have? I delivered pizza in Alaska for about a decade. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. You were really getting fucked in the ass then.
You know, Tony, I saw a sign. They're hiring here at this arena. Oh, okay. Thank you. So are they hiring for an icy road pizza delivery? I mean, the H-E-B center. They have custodians here. I'm sure this guy, this guy's got enough going on with his Herbert butts. You know what I'm saying? H-E-B center doesn't need this fucking guy. What else other than delivering pizzas on icy roads?
Uh, I've, uh, that's about it. I was a hitchhiking hippie for a few years and homeless. So that's coming up again here soon. Um, you know, you've really done it all in a lot of kitchens, you know, a lot of kitchen work. Oh, good to know. Can you tell me what kitchens that I never eat there again? It's disgusting. This food tastes like shit.
Wait, so you were a hitchhiking hippie. How long did that last? About two and a half years. Holy fucking shit. That's crazier than the glory hole story. Yeah. What type of kitchens did you work in? Real hole in the walls? Funny. Funny. Real funny. I think you worked at Whole Foods. Wait, what did you say? I think you worked at Whole Foods. Whole Foods, yeah. Whole Foods or maybe Target.
Okay, so kitchen, you hitchhike. What would be your go-to line? Pretend I'm someone driving, okay? Pretend I'm driving. Oh, yeah. We love a mobile doctor. Pretend I'm driving, and you try to solicit a ride. Maybe your thumb or your cock is out, right? And I'm driving along. Give me some chill driving music, fellas. Yeah, some driving music. Perfect. Maybe that's good. Driving music. We're driving. Yeah, this is what I listen to.
Oh man, just trying to drive to Vegas. Hope I don't run into any gay guys. Hey! Let me turn down the music real quick. Who the fuck? Oh, I just got a shot of your teeth. Okay. Oh damn. Even God has fucked this guy. I don't usually like to break character during my improvs, but holy fucking shit.
I just looked into something you can't even get to on Super Mario Brothers. All right. Hey, who are you? Hey, man, my name's John. I was trying to get a ride, bud. Okay, where are you headed to, my man? Doesn't matter. I'll suck your dick.
Uh, if I give you toothpaste first, will you do it after? That's a deal breaker. Okay. Well, you, you, you looking like this is a big deal breaker for me, but I'm a good guy with a kind heart. Give me one reason why I should take you in my, uh, in my, in my, uh, in my, in my car. Because I will definitely not murder you. Okay. What? Any other reasons?
I have a giant cock. Right. Now, you said that, and I don't want to make you prove it, but I do want to know, have you worked in any kitchens recently? Not recently, no. Okay. I'm glad you're here, John. I know this is a weird freeway to be on, but I've got a surprise for you. I'm your mother. I can't believe that you're gay. And scene. Guys, give it up for John real quick. There he goes.
Very good. John Rice, the man so gay he only takes it in the ass, doesn't fuck dudes. So gay that God made your mouth look like an asshole as well. Can I get my shirt? Oh, you have a shirt? Are you fucking kidding me? I get a shirt? So this is a special night, so I want to make some special shit. I got these special Dr. Phil t-shirts and hoodies.
that say, we'll be right back and we'll keep it right here on the back. And I've got a handful. I'm going to give out to some lucky winners. John, go ahead. That's amazing. I love it. And John, here you go. Here's a big jump up. Oh, he caught it. And by caught it, I mean monkey pox.
For sure, that is full-blown monkey pox. Oh, yeah, and for sure he's going to wipe up my shirt. It's going to be covered in jizz by the time the...
It really is. Night's over. Okay. Well, that was unexpected. That was amazing. That was incredible. I've never heard a real-life glory hole story. I've read about them. Especially a backwards one. That's disgusting. It is incredible. That was a lot, but you got to love it. Very honest interview. Very honest. Very different than Yasmina trying to skate by with just charisma.
Here we go. Good energy. Good energy for the first two. You guys having a good fucking time so far, by the way? It's only going up from here. So I have a special treat for y'all. We just did a taping with this guy a week or two ago, and he is literally 16 years old. He can only perform in comedy clubs in Texas with his mom there because they're 21 and over, but you can perform with a parent.
The parent is here. He's 16. Let me remind y'all that people that start at 15 like this guy, Eddie Murphy. Dave Chappelle started at 15. So I wanted to bring him into the Kill Tony family and give him his first shot at an arena. You're about to watch the arena debut of an actual 16-year-old. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Holden DeShazo, everybody. Holden DeShazo. Holden DeShazo.
Here he comes, Holden DeShazo. Absolutely, here he is, everybody. Fuck yeah. Second time on Kill Tony, it's in a fucking arena. Second time. The first time I did it, I was actually, I was insanely nervous. So I told the Kill Tony staff the same thing that I've told every girl I've ever been with. Probably not lasting the whole minute, you know? I don't know if you guys are good with dark humor or not.
Alright, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's kind of test it out. Let's see if y'all are as fucked up as me. Who here, like me, has been molested by their teacher? Well, homeschool is going good, I guess. The weird thing about homeschool is we don't get a homecoming, right? Luckily, the public school that I went to, they let me go. And I asked the girl out. She said yes. You know, there's one problem. Another guy already liked her. And she informed me that this guy happened to have Down syndrome. And I was unaware of that. She made me tell him
that she wasn't going with him. So what I did is I invited him over to my house, I sat down, I was gonna talk to him. Oh, here he comes. Oh shit. Look what we got here. Hold on, he's done. He's done, West Hollywood Bear. There you go. There you go. Okay, there he is. All right. Okay. Oh, he's cradling the dildos like a baby. There he goes. It's a weird show when there's a 16-year-old on stage and you're throwing dildos at a bear.
I got to admit, I know how stupid this show is. We are walking a fine line between child trafficking and comedy at some point here. Those are rubber massagers. That's all they are. They're just rubber massagers. Okay. Our senior dildo correspondent, Brian Redman, describing the dildo, everybody. Holden DeShazo, welcome. You're in an arena right now. How do you feel? This is fucking crazy. Hell yeah. This is wild.
When's the last time you were in an arena? Last time I was in an arena? When I went to see Monster Jam.
Yeah Monster Jam? Yeah, monster trucks. Oh my goodness. Monster Jam. I'm pretty sure we had one of those monsters on stage right before you. Okay Holden, it is creepy to go from a glory hole super faggot to a 16 year old. It's kind of a creepy transition. We don't ever know who we're gonna pull out of the bucket.
Um, but hopefully your mom plugged your ears back there while all of that was going on. She saw the dildos before I did backstage. That was wild. Oh, shit. Yeah. Incredible. All right. Well, Holden, how's life been going for you? Tell us something we don't know about you. Shit. Okay, let's start with that. Oh. How about that gold chain? I was a pro, I was a pro wrestling fan like you, bro. You were what? Pro wrestling. I was a big fan. Okay. Big fan. Oh, yeah. What happened?
I don't know, bro. I grew out of it. Okay, good story. Now, as you get older, you'll realize you're only 16, right? Yeah. So you'll realize as you age and mature, if you're out at a social setting amongst friends, even strangers, if someone asks a question, try to fill the space for at least 12 to 25 seconds. Okay.
But, you know, that story probably has an ending, but your nerves clenched up and cock blocked the finish of that tale. Just like the end of your... Was it a Down Syndrome joke that you were trying to close on? No. Oh, okay. Well, I wish it was. It's not. I got cut off right before the punchline. It was crazy. Yeah, that's a part of the show. What was the punchline? Well, the joke was that I looked deep into his eyes and I realized he didn't have Down Syndrome at all. He was just Japanese.
I knew he was good at math, I just didn't know like how, fuck. Are Down Syndrome kids good at math? That one was a faker, so he was. So it's just racist against Japanese. Pretty much, yeah. Okay. Have you ever made your own slime? Like your, like, my own slime? Nah. What are you talking about, dude? What the fuck are you talking about?
Oh, shit. Even 16 year olds like, fuck you, Red Band. This kid is willing to give away any chance at a secret show. He knows what's good for him. The ceilings are too high there, especially for you. By the way, it's so funny that Red Band looks like his dad who said, if you embarrass me at this Denny's one more time, I'm going to take away your porn privileges. Are you into porn?
Am I into porn? I'm a big fan. Yeah, what's your go-to- Well, you're 16. This is the right age to start developing a passion for different flavors. What's your go-to type and category? Latina. Hell yeah! Hell yeah! There's a whole section of them over there. Unbelievable. Now, have you ever been with- What's your sexual history with women? What base have you gotten to?
There we go. That's zero. Actually, that's zero. I told you last time my ex-girlfriend tried to fuck me on the couch while my mom went to Walgreens. Oh, shit. Okay, Red Band. Okay. Jesus Christ. I love that you... What was your mom getting at Walgreens? Condoms for you? I don't know. Sorry, honey. I was late. I picked up a hitchhiker trying to suck my dick.
No son of mine is gonna ride dog in Austin. That's a sweet mom. Is your mom your biggest supporter? She's here tonight, you said, right? She is here tonight. Her, my dad, my grandma. Everybody's here, bro. Hell yeah, dude. This guy's got a whole fucking family. You have brothers and sisters? I do. I got three brothers, all 25 and up. Oh, shit. I was adopted.
You were who? I was adopted. Oh, that's adorable. I know. So your mom adopted you. She did. Oh, my God. That's incredible. How do you go about getting a fucking a good white kid from the adoption agency? Like, is that there can't be many on the market. I don't know. It's more money. It's got to be expensive. You were like you're like one of those purebred puppy. Well, it's weird. It's weird. I was adopted. Actually, my birth father, his sister adopted me. So my aunt adopted me.
Okay. Sounds like you got to get your fucking story straight. Yeah. Now, let me ask you this, and I love that for you. What age did they adopt you at? Because I myself would love to adopt, but I'd love to get like a 29-year-old Filipino woman to make me eggs Benedict and teach me, you know, what time it is in like different countries. So what...
What age were you seized up by the Lost Boys? I was weeks old. I was still a baby. Okay. So your uncle is your dad. Yeah. And your dad is your uncle. We'll be right back. That felt like we needed to cut to a sponsor. That's fucking fascinating. On today's show, my grandma's my dog and my mom is my sister. Hi.
That is unbelievable. So do you have family gatherings where sometimes your wacky uncle? Good question, Tony. Shows up? No, we don't really do family gatherings. What is your actual dad up to? Is he a part of your life at all? Play some sad music, Red Band. There we go. How about this? I'll be your dad. You talk to me right now. Holden. Face that way, son.
Holden, by the way, an interesting name because his dad was never holding him as a kid. His actual dad. His uncle was holding him. Holden, look straight ahead for me. Talk to me as if I'm a silhouette of your pops in the mirror behind you. Hey, Holden, it's me, Dad. You came back with the milk? I want to see if you got any weed, son. Only the stuff you gave me, Dad.
Holden, I heard you're doing stand-up comedy. Your mom, I mean your aunt, I mean your brother, whoever the fuck's raising you, told me through Facebook that you're trying stand-up, and I love that. You're always a funny kid. I remember the first thing you said to me was, Dad, don't go, and I thought how funny that was.
You know what I love? You're fucking, you're 16, motherfucker, and I've never seen so much confidence in a good way on a motherfucker in my entire life. Give it up for this piece of shit. Let's fucking go. That's the way to do it.
It is true. Like I said, your entire future is in front of you and we can't wait to see where it all goes. It seems like you're just going to get better and better and you're going to learn good habits in comedy here in the comedy capital of the world, Austin, Texas. Oh, shit. You want a Dr. Phil hoodie? You want a Dr. Phil hoodie? My man. There you go. Holden DeShazo, ladies and gentlemen.
All right. Back to the bucket we go. I'm going to pull one of these fucking names. Let's light up the comedians. Oh, okay. Destiny Lelaine, everybody. Section 103. Row Q. C. Section 103. Oh, shit. Oh, that's so far away. Oh, shit.
I think 103 is really far away. Okay, hold on a second. I guess we don't have movement.
We got her. Here she comes. Destiny LaLanne, everybody. She's going to be tremendously out of breath. This arena thing is kind of crazy. She was coming from the other side of the arena. The opposite side. We don't know how to do this yet. You guys having fun? I don't think there's any perfect way to do Kill Tony in an arena. It's Destiny LaLanne, everybody.
Major tech companies recently announced up to $4,000 in travel abortion benefits. Should employees need to leave the state to seek medical care?
sound super feminist until you realize these companies don't offer maternity leave. They got you, bitches. Picture this. You walk into your manager's office. They let you know that they're pregnant. He hands you a pamphlet from HR on how to get an abortion. You're confused. You never said anything about an abortion. Instead of throwing you a gender reveal, they throw you a decision reveal. You realize that there
on investment on maternity leave, but there is an ROI on spending that bitch on a $4,000 vacation tomorrow should one of you guys come inside tonight. A little bit about me in case you guys want to go to Porter. In heels, 120 pounds with a six-week fetus inside of him, 15 pounds when I squirt this stuff anymore. There you go. Destiny LaLanne. We're good, Bear. We're good. We're good. We're good. We got it. All right. There he goes.
The bear's coming out quick tonight. You should give him a few extra seconds. Destiny, I'll tell you what, for being out of breath and running from the other side of a fucking arena, that was pretty good. Yeah, great job. Oh yeah, thank you.
Great job. You were talking really fast, which is kind of hard in an arena. I think you were trying to squeeze a lot of time in there and you did it. Dr. Phil? Yeah, I heard abortion, abortion, abortion. What's that, the shocker? Hell yeah. That's how we get from the necessity. Fuck yeah. Okay. I'm a little scared. Now, how is it to go through something like that?
Like the joke or an abortion? An abortion. Whichever you want to, whichever, I don't know. As soon as that question got to my mouth, in my head I said, abort question, but I fucking... Right. I wouldn't know. We can't get them here. So hopefully soon. I'll find out. How long you been in Austin? How about that? I moved here three years ago during the pandemic. I was in LA. We did a shitty bar show together once, like in North Hollywood years ago. Hell yeah. Oh my God.
Okay, so Destiny, how many abortions have you had? Two. Okay, rest in peace. Oh, the women go crazy. There's some real sluts out here tonight, I gotta say. Women going wild for abortions. There's some very happy gentlemen out there as well.
were not wrong. These bitches in the front do not look like they're having fun. Learn how to get an abortion, bitches. I'll talk to you guys after the show. These are the rich wives and girlfriends of the rich fans that fucking had their peasant slaves buy the tickets first. And they just show up. This fucking guy's having the time of his life and he's just flanked by angry wenches over here. Look at this fucking guy. Both just flanked by him.
I love it. Why couldn't have they been the two abortions? You know what I mean? Those kids are lucky. So, Destiny, how much space was in between the two abortions? Oh, plenty of times.
what is what inspired my joke. I was entertained by the laws out here when I was in a little pickle and I was entertained that my job was like telling me that they basically fund the abortion but I was like shit we don't have maternity leave like I'm starting to realize something's up here. All's good it just inspired my art and it was you know fun little let's walk into a show.
What the fuck was that, Red Band? It was broken glass. Oh, gotcha. Okay. Are you on Adderall? No, I'm actually sober. Good for you. I'm not actually sober sober, but I'm sober right now. Oh. Oh, so like fentanyl brownies or what? Speed brownies. Abortion brownies. Let me ask you this. That's funny. Abortion brownies sounds like a great band that Red Band would probably go see. Yeah. Now,
Destiny, when you walk into an abortion clinic and you say, hi, I'm Destiny, do they go, yeah, we know? Oh, hell yeah. They just give me a touch card. I'm just saying the name Destiny sounds like an abortion name. Does it not? You know, my mom was a teen mom, so it makes sense. Holy shit. How young are we talking? She was 17. Okay.
You got a fun laugh. Did you pass that on? Does your mom have a fun laugh? No, she's a fun sucker, so she does not have a fun laugh. All right. Well, thanks for bringing the energy down. God damn it. Incredible. What do you do for work now?
I'm a freelance recruiter. What do you, how do you freelance recruit? What the fuck does that mean? Jesus, what a stupid answer that is. I work for myself doing nothing for nothing. Hell yeah. The fuck are you talking about? It's like being a whore, but for companies, you jump to company to company that's hiring and you just help them fill roles and then you just fucking keep it going, get your abortion, carry on. Let's go. Okay.
Who you vote for? John Rice. Come see me afterwards. We'll rock that resume of yours. Hell yeah. You're definitely not going to have a baby with her. There you go. All right. I don't know what's going on here. How long have you been doing stand-up again? Five years. Five years. All of it here in Austin? Half here and half in L.A.,
And what do you love about Austin, Texas? I think it's cool. People are a lot of fun. They like live entertainment. You know, it's just a gorgeous city. A lot of opportunities to go up. You know the show. You know Kill Tony. What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? What would be something compelling for you to bring up right now? I'm obsessed with AI and cooking. You can use AI to take a picture of your refrigerator and tell you what to cook. So I think that's kind of fun. It's not.
I mean, it's kind of cool. Are you afraid of AI? What are you afraid of? How about that? That could be a good topic of conversation at a hot tub party. Afraid of Sixth Street. AI. Afraid of height. Afraid of everyone booing me as I walk back to my chair. Here you go. I'm going to save you some problems. You had a long run to get here. You were out of breath. It's tough out here on the streets. Destiny Lillane, everybody. There she goes.
Okay. I pulled this name out. Section 109, row 0C1. Grant Kelly, everybody. That's right over there. Grant Kelly. Grant Kelly? Is this happening? Okay. Here we go. Oh, shit. It's another long adventure. Come on, Grant. Speed it up, you weirdo. Jesus fucking Christ. I gotta say, it's a beautiful audience we have here today.
It's lovely. I love it. Hell yeah. Look at that. Amy Schumer dyed her hair brown tonight. Look at this, everybody. I love it. It's a real who's who out here. Holy shit. Oh, we know her. Whoa, the return of Kaylee. Red Rose legend. OG microphone cleaner during the pandemic. Oh, shit. Oh, she's still got it, everybody. She got rid of the cold.
My goodness. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, we can do that with the bucket full of girls. That's a smart move. Here he is. Grant Kelly, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, make some noise for him. Uh-oh. So I've been writing part of the Bro Bible. I really feel like every man is allowed to shit himself at least once a year. Let's take it back to 2007. I'm in a casino in Lake Charles, Louisiana.
Got a lot of beer farts. We're getting close to this concert stage. Every time I fart, people moving out the way, we're getting close. Get all the way to the front. I shit myself. Guys, I gotta go. So I leave. Driving. Walking back to the bathroom. Shit full of pants. Pants full of shit. My high school crush is walking up to me. Hey, Grant, how are you doing? Bitch, get out of the way! Give her a hug. Hey, I gotta go. I gotta go. Run to the bathroom. Shit's in my pants. Close.
All right, we got to back the bear up a few seconds, Red Van. Red Van's very excited about this bear costume. Get out of here, bear. Get out. That is a sexy dildo. Go ahead and put that last dildo in my green room, please. I got to be honest, this is my favorite comedian we've had so far tonight. He's got two catchphrases. He's got pants in my shit, shit in my pants. And he's got, get away from me, bitch!
Which I feel like you said more than once to a Subway employee in the last 48 hours. Why do you look like the lead singer of Smash Mouth and the kid from the Christmas story? I love it, dude. Good to see you. Funny stuff. Thank you. Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time ever in my life. Wow. First time ever. How old are you? I'm 40. 40. Is this something you've always wanted to do?
Only after I listen to your show, bro. Right. Let's go, dude. That's it. Making dreams come true. Where do you live? I live in Beaumont, Texas. Okay. We got some Beaumont fans in here. All right. What do you do for work? I'm a paramedic for an ambulance service. Okay. Paramedic. Absolutely. What are we seeing out there in Beaumont? A lot of fentanyl? What's going on out there? Some of that. You want to hear the worst one ever? Of course. Of course.
You know the show. You're goddamn right I do. All right, man. Well, this one psychiatric gentleman from Vidor, Texas, sawed off his left arm. He was holding his right arm while he was masturbating. Hold on. Hold on. Yeah, bro. He sawed off his left arm and did what? Dutch, Dutch rudder. What'd you call it? A Dutch rudder. That's not real. Yeah, dude. No, 100%.
Hold on a second. I love that Red Band's calling this bluff. He's like, I've tried it. I've Googled it. It's not real. Thanks, Red Band. Hold on. So a guy cut off his arm and fucked his... Tried to jerk himself off with that dead hand? Yeah, bro. Shut the fuck up. Three years ago. Are you fucking serious? Yes, sir. So why would anyone ever do that? It seems like the grip would be extremely loose. Man, I...
The SSRIs weren't strong enough for him, I don't know. Oh my God. So he started fucking his left hand that he sawed off. Did he at least use a tourniquet or something like that? No, man. Actually, surprisingly, you don't need one if it's a straight cut. You can stop blazing for a minute. Straight? Oh my God. Our glory hole friend is masturbating right now in the darkness. This is the hottest shit I've ever heard of in my goddamn life.
That is unbelievable. What part of Texas are you from? Belmont. That's the biggest story in Belmont, right? That's the story that gets passed around like somebody coming in the Taco Bell in 1993. Okay, Red Band. Wow. In an arena, you really get to see how your shit flies, bro. No, that's a real question. That shit's not real, Tony. Okay, just yell. I just heard a bird chirp in section 113 after that fucking question. Unbelievable. Now...
Now, you said you're 40, right? Yes, sir. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I met you on January 6th. You were holding some sort of a tube. Okay, you're looking at me like you just saw Avatar. He was the guy holding somebody's left arm like, we will not. There you go. Okay, that's a fun dance. Now,
How many friends know that you have tried stand-up zilch times, and tonight's the poppin' the cherry time? No, it's just one. He's up in the audience. Let's go, dude. Yeah. I'm sorry to cut you off. No, you're fine. Are your friends, do they think you're funny? Are you the funny guy? Like, how often are you sitting around a campfire going, you guys want to hear a crazy Beaumont, Texas story? I do have a lot of drunk stories. Yes, sir.
Say it again. I do have a lot of drunk stories. Absolutely. Right. Are they funny? I make people laugh close by. Yes, sir. In close quarters. So, yeah. So you got enough confidence to go, why can't I do it in a fucking arena? Right? Yeah, absolutely.
And your first name again? Grant. Greg. Yeah, Grant with a T. Grant, yeah. Grant, what would be the thing about you that would probably be funny to us that you might not have told someone close to you yet? Like a fun fact, I guess. Like remember the glory hole guy from earlier? Something like that, but not as relatable. Yeah, I can't relate to that one. Did the guy come in his left hand?
Good question, Tony. I think we stopped him from doing it, brother, to be honest. Wow, the ultimate cock block. I cut off my fucking arm for this. Yeah. Most interesting thing about your entire life, though. Honestly, being a paramedic. I'm a father of triplets. Whoa, look at that.
Oh, hell yeah. The drummers go crazy for triplets. They fucking love triplets. Look at that. Very weird. Oh, yeah. I got it. Oh, yeah. Love triplets. Black guys love triplets, don't they? Heck yeah. There we go. All right. Love that. I love it. So any special skills or talents? You seem like a guy that has a couple of tricks up his sleeve or something like that. Anything you have? You have anything about you?
Speak a language or origami or? No, man. I work a lot of overtime. You're a real working class, man. I like your style. You made your Keltoni debut. There's a joke. That's good.
The great debut of Grant Kelly. Two first timers so far in a fucking arena. This is crazy. We're going to do something fun right now, ladies and gentlemen. A very special treat for you. You guys know this next comedian, everybody. I mean, he was given this spot.
Even with
My driver's license. I still have trouble getting into bars. And honestly, I don't know why. I'm just a little boy that wants a little dwing. I know I look young, but it's upsetting when I hand my license to some bouncer and he just looks at it like it's made with Crayola. Next time, if my license doesn't work, I'll have to bring my passport for more proof. Show it to the bouncer, throw it in his face.
What now? Detective? Getting fucked up whether you like it or not. Next time, I'm going to bring my license, passport, social security, credit cards, birth certificate, and a knife. Because if all that doesn't work, someone's going to die. Thank you, guys. Fuck yeah, Heath Cornus.
Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah. Living the fucking dream. Living the dream. We love you, Heath. I love you. I took Heath on the road with me and he absolutely crushed opening in theaters. Crowd goes wild. He has a great fucking short set that he does. Heath.
The little murder. Dr. Phil, you ever seen anything like this in your fucking life? You know, in my second season of the Dr. Phil show, we had on a kid just like you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. He was 45. He had some sort of condition where he looked like a young boy. And you cured him, right? You cured him. No, he passed away six days ago. But... That was a little alley-oop from Heath. But...
Heath, when you get a massage, do you ask for a happy meal ending? Yeah. No, I've never seen anything like what you're doing. You came out with confidence, but you backed it up. You seem like a guy that just understands who he is and what he's fucking doing. That's all I can do, Dr. Phil. Thank you so much. Well, you're doing it.
I don't know what that little fucking creepy look was for, but I get it. Yeah. You look like the molesty and the molested in the same body, but you got jokes per minute. Heath. And how do you write? Can you, can you let me in? Cause I'm not a comedian myself. I'm a healer and a people pleaser and not in that order. What the fuck? Oh shit. Okay. Keith, uh,
What? What? What? How do you write? What do you just wake up and go? I'd love to fucking. I just I just wake up and I write whatever makes me giggle a little bit. But honestly, it's not that much. I'm just kind of sad all the time. So I just write whatever makes me sad. Well, can I tell you something real quick? That sadness is a great place to start. Yeah. Hit me with some sad music real quick. Here we go. Here's a little sad music with the great John Dean's.
Heath, you know, if I woke up and looked in the mirror and saw the kid from Simon Birch, I'd be a little down in the dumps too. Yeah? But you know what you got going for yourself? What? A good attitude, a sweet pair of glasses, and a haircut that says, yeah, I'll get in your van, but I'm not eating the candy. Yes!
And what you figured out real early in life is that Keith is the best version of Keith. He can be this time and all the time. So you keep fucking swimming up that fucking river. Yeah.
Yeah, it's true. Heath is a special, special, special man. Not a lot of people know this, but Heath was made a guy cut off his left arm and jerked himself off with it. And he came inside of Jeffrey Dahmer's ass. And then Heath came out nine months later. I read about that. Little baby Dahmer. Tony. Uh-oh. I got good news. Okay. You want to hear it? Of course I do. Hi. Hi.
- We did it Tony! - Unbelievable, when did this happen? - Yeah, last night. - Last night? - Last night. - It is still going.
We did it! Oh my God, ladies and gentlemen, here we go. I got a whiff of his fist, I can confirm. Yeah, it was last night. So what happened last night? Take us through it. Where'd you meet this girl? I went to a very nice ladies hotel.
She a Kill Tony fan? She's a very, she's a Kill Tony fan. She came in town for the arena? Yeah, she came in town for the arena. She actually signed up. I bet she did. Yeah. Really? Yeah, if you want to, like, she can probably tell you about how tiny my penis is. Do you think she should do a minute? If you want, yeah, I think it'd be good. All right. I think it's only right that you introduce her. I don't know who she is. Let's do it. All right.
I do not know her last name. But give it up for the very beautiful Celia! Is she in the comedian section? Fuck you, she is. Oh shit, here she comes. Oh, that's not her. That's not her. Is that her?
Hell yeah. Celia, welcome. You want to do a minute? My name is Cynthia. It's your choice.
Heath, you are a baller, dude. By the way, did we not hear Heath screaming for her? Like, it was at the end of Titanic. That shit was fucking adorable as fuck. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for a woman that gave it up for our sweet boy. This is the Kill Tony debut of Cynthia. Cynthia.
Oh, all right. I only have 60 seconds, right? That's a good enough time to end strong, right? Tony knows better than anyone else here. I actually met Tony earlier this month and I wanted to brag to some people that he flirted with me. And the response was, what's the big deal? Isn't he gay? I got offended because that either means I look like a man or they think I confused him for a lesbian. And believe me, believe me, I know lesbians.
And if Tony was a lesbian, I don't think he would have voluntarily chosen that dick size. You know, my mom hates when I mention lesbianism. She tells me, you know, I want you to find a good man, Cynthia. And honestly, I don't think I should be taking advice from the woman who's flatter than Amy Schumer's heartbeat is going to be in 10 years. All right, Heath, start us off. That wasn't great. I love it. Cynthia, Heath, go stand next to your sweet, sweet Cynthia over there. I absolutely love this.
I absolutely love this. So you guys met last night for the first time? Yes. We're in love. This is absolutely incredible. So Heath, what happens here? You went to a bar for a drink. How does it go down? We banged immediately. Wow. God, I love it. What was your pickup line, Heath? What'd you say to Cynthia to get her juices flowing?
I didn't even have to say anything. It was just immediate. It was amazing. This show changes lives. Are you saying you didn't say, hey, have you seen my mom or dad anywhere nearby? No, I didn't even have to mention my father or mother. You just walked in and she picked up on what you were putting down. Yeah, she was completely into the idea of fucking a kid. It was amazing. This is absolutely incredible. I have a mommy kink.
All right. So, Heath, you say you just went straight into it. Like, is there like a first base, second base? Or you just absolutely showed up with a condom on? What goes on? I went to every base you would allow me to go. Okay. Yeah. Oh, you went to the bullpen, Blair. Yeah. And then the dugout. Yeah. Yeah.
Hell yeah. So Heath, how long did you last? Not long. Maybe three minutes at most. Okay. Yeah. That's pretty good. I went three or four times. He actually lasted a pretty long time. It's impressive. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. I love that. And he eats good pussy. Whoa. Wow.
Fucking unbelievable. I absolutely fucking love it. Can I ask a question, Tony? Yeah. Keith, I'm trying to upgrade my pussy eating game, okay? Can you give me a couple quick tips?
You just gotta gnaw on it. Like, you don't need anything else. No, okay, that's enough, Heath. Wait, with your teeth? Yeah. No, Heath. I'm not a dog trying to open a UPS package, motherfucker. No, stop doing that. It's not a bowl of Captain Crunch. It's a vagina.
Okay, so nah on it. Is that what you said? Yeah, nah on it. So you lost your virginity last night? I did. Wow. Just for tonight. I needed a story. Did you use a condom? I did not. We might get pregnant. We might have babies.
What the fuck is happening right now? I don't know. This child just said, we might have babies. We might have babies. Wow. Congrats. This is incredible. Cynthia, are you on any kind of birth control? I'll take that one, Tony. No. No. Oh my goodness. This is incredible. But I live in New York, so it's legal to get an abortion. Yeah, there you go.
All right. Well, I'll tell you what, Cynthia, your set was just okay. But since you gave it up to Heath, here's a big joke book. What a great alley-oop there. Oh, my God. I love it. I fucking love it. Put that mic back in the mic stand there. Heath, can you fix the mic stand for us? How about one more time for the great and powerful Heath Cordes, everybody? Thank you.
And we're going to keep it rolling right the fuck along. Just like that. How about a hand for Joe White here taking pictures? Yeah, baby. Shout out. There he is. Section 119. Pablo T, everybody. Pablo T. Where the fuck is 119 at? 119. Oh, God. This is going to be another out of breath motherfucker.
Section 119, Pablo T. Maybe we'll pre-pull. Yeah. We're going to start to pre-pull here. Okay. How about a hand for Dr. Phil, everybody? Having a great time. Having a great fucking time. And another hand for Heidi from the Yellow Rose on the ring card. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh.
Here's Pablo T, ladies and gentlemen, from the other side of the arena. What the fuck is up, HEV? Solid choice for a grocery store. It's a lot better than fucking Walmart. Y'all ever been to Walmart late on a Saturday evening? It's like the fucking Lord of the Rings orcs and the fucking lot lizards at your typical Texas highway had a baby. Like a bunch of fucking babies. They just left them at Walmart. Like a fucking daycare or something. But anyways, uh...
I've been back in Texas. I used to live here when I was younger. My political views kind of lean to the left, a lot like my cog. Hold on, hold on, hold on. But much like my cog in Texas, the beautiful state of Texas, I'm leaning towards the right more, guys. Yes, sir. Trump 2024. I'm just fucking, I'm playing to the crowd right now, honestly. But yeah, that's all I got, guys. All right. Very mediocre set from Pablo T. Pablo, how long have you been doing stand-up?
This is my first comedy show, my first time ever doing stand-up in my life. Wow, okay. Have you ever done anything on stage before? Yeah, I've performed in this building, in the center ring, riding motorcycles in a cage at a circus. Okay, I can kind of see that. You seem fearless with no material. Dr. Phil? Didn't I throw a paper towel to you in Puerto Rico? I did not know. Okay, okay, okay. Take it easy. Um...
No, I was impressed by your poise, okay? I always like when someone approaches the mic with a purpose. You came in hot with a lot of Walmart material. Yeah, I just...
Thought of H-E-B on the way over here, wrote it down on my little note app and just went with it. Let's go. And are you working at Walmart currently? No, I actually do reads. Kind of just traveling around, making content, going to events like fucking Kill Tony New Year's Eve show main event. Night one. Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah.
Okay, Pablo. What's something interesting about you that we would be surprised of in the fact that you ride motorcycles in a cage? I'm an amateur boxer of sorts. Oh, okay. Can we get some boxing music and show us a little shadow boxing from Pablo T? Here he is. Whoa. Oh, my. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Wow.
Mediocre. Yeah. Amateur, amateur, amateur. Based on that performance, I think I can take you in Mike Tyson's punch out. Tyson, whoever he is. Okay, so Pablo, how old are you? I'm 27. Okay. Just got out of a relationship. Four and a half years. How recently did you get out of it? On my birthday, which was in June. Okay. How did it end? Was it her idea or your idea?
I'd say it was her idea. Yeah. How did she break up with you? Via text, phone call, in person? Nah, I was kind of finding, I found out that she did something on my birthday. Did she fuck Heath? Was that Cynthia? Was that your ex? Celia! Celia!
I'll take you to Walmart, I promise. You know who it fucking was? Who? Inigo Montoya, that guy that's done stand-up up here with the fucking Metallica shirt. No way. You know what I'm talking about? What? Inigo Montoya, the guy who wears Metallica shirt, he's done stand-up up here a couple times. You're wearing a Metallica shirt. You know that? He inspired me to do that.
The guy that fucked your girlfriend inspired you to wear a Metallica shirt? Yeah, I thought it was like a fucking funny connection. I'm so confused. I'm going to get you out of here. Here's a little joke book. Oh, the first drop of the night. Pablo T. Yikes. We're going to fix the energy in the room right now, ladies and gentlemen. We have another legend of Kill Tony.
This woman has always fucking made history on the show. One of the most interesting creatures we've ever found. Famous for being on many episodes of Kill Tony. She was on Kill Tony Mania multiple times. One of the most interesting characters in the history of the show. You diehard fans will know her. You love her. It's the one and only Nicole Tran, everyone. Oh, the Asian people.
So happy to be back in Austin. Look at all the good looking people. People call Dallas the big D, but nobody call Austin the big A because that name is already taken by Kim Kardashian. When I go to the hairdresser,
I say make me look like famous pop star like Kay Perry, Taylor Swift and this haircut is Paul McCartney. That's pretty good joke. My cousin Bingbing say hello to you Tony. I have a cousin her name is Bingbing. My cousin Bingbing is only five feet tall but she knows a hairdresser who can make her look five eight.
Here on the radio, the news says there's a match in Box Spring, in the freeway in West L.A. I thought it was strange because Bingbing said she wasn't moving until tomorrow. I did a comedy show for women for recovery group. I murdered that crowd. I hope they recover. I murdered so many men.
One time you will see me on the America's Most Wanted list. Jesus Christ. All right. Okay. Keep going. Keep going. Finish it. Tonight, we're looking for the contract to fight with Paul McCartney. Oh, high five. High five. High five from West Hollywood to Austin. Big A. All right, Bear. Get out of here. Get out of here. It's annoying. Hi. Hi.
Hi, Tony. I'm so happy to see you guys. You look fabulous. Look at the show. All the people show up for Kill Tony 2023. Please. Happy New Year song for you all. You ready? You prepared a song? Yeah. Here she is. Famous for her surprisingly good songs. This. Do you need the band for this? Yeah, just go along with me, please. Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Live in a fucking arena. Kill Tony legend, Nicole Tran, everybody. Here we go.
No more champagne and the fireworks are due. Here we are, me and you, feeling lost and feeling blue. It's the end of the party and the morning seems so good like yesterday.
Now the time for us to say Happy New Year Happy New Year Happy New Year
I will forgive this. Have you had a good day? I got a massage from you. In Grand Theft Auto. Sometime, I see how to pray for the one I see.
I did it!
I have created some merch for my cousin Bing Bing. Please support me at the show. I have some hoodies too for blue eyed white guys and green eyed white guys. Please help me to get an airplane ticket back. Happy New Year!
One more time for Big Big. Oh, my God. Tomorrow I song for you all. That is not on the schedule for tomorrow. Totally different show tomorrow. Way to try to jump in there. But you'll do something with the band on the pre-roll. Okay. Okay, very good. Thank you so much for coming. And if you have Instagram, please follow us.
I really need your support to be booked at comedy clubs. Nicole Tran Comedy. Nicole Tran Comedy. There you fucking go. She always has a lot of flunks at the end. Happy New Year. Everybody. Happy New Year. Look what you've done, Tony. Nicole, get the fuck out of here. Okay. I thought you invited me to be back saying don't bother.
Alright, there she goes. Nicole Tran, ladies and gentlemen. We pre-pulled. Came back. Thanks for your next bucket pull. Edward, ladies and gentlemen. Edward ZeroBit. Edward ZeroBit. We have Edward. I'm gonna hand for these ring card girls tonight. Jesus Christ Almighty. Fuck.
So nice to hear Edward, everybody. Hey, how's it going, Texas? Anybody smoking weed out there tonight? Yeah, it's not legal here. So I guess that means you still got to deal with an old fashioned weed dealer. Anyways, I used to have a weed dealer. He sold weed on Instagram, which I thought was ironic because if you wanted a gram, it was not instant. He would hit you back like two, three days later. Like, hey, you still need that?
Alright, anyways, needless to say, he's not in business anymore. He got shot. But yeah, I don't smoke anymore, and I don't get the big hype about weed. Because I drink now, and people say weed is a miracle drug. But alcohol, I had two drinks this morning, cured my hangover.
Thank you. Wow, what the fuck, Edward? Oh my God, unbelievable. This is a fucking tough crowd we got here tonight. They are not holding back their booze. This is incredible. Edward, have you done stand-up before? No, sir. Holy shit, look at your face, dude. That is something else, bro. All right, all right, all right. Give him a chance to, you know, breathe or something. What's your first name again? Edward. Edward, all right. Do you ever go by Ed or Eddie or... No, I go by my middle name, Andy.
Okay. Yes, sir. Fuck yeah. Edward. Sounds like they hate that even more. So are you ever Andy? Like when are you Andy and when are you Edward? Oh, I'm Andy always. Just Edward by government name. Now I love that. Andy always sounds like the name of your sitcom. Now what would that be about?
Drinking. Okay. You're a heavy drinker, huh? A little bit. So like what did you drink last night, for example? A lot of Jack Daniels. How much? Probably about half the bottle. About a liter? Half a liter? Yeah, the 750. Okay, 750. Okay. You mix that with anything? Ice. Okay. And when did you start drinking like this? When I stopped smoking. When was that?
About a year and a half ago. Okay. Oh, this crowd. I just hate them. It's ruthless. Edward, we're going to get you out of here quick tonight. No riots here. Whoa. Whoa.
The ones that suck always drop the book. It's incredible. You can set it to a fucking watch. We pre-polled. We have another name ready. Nikki Coleman, everybody. Still Tony. 60 seconds. Nikki Coleman. We fly through it sometimes. You guys like it when I move fast, right? Yeah. Nikki Coleman is next here on Kill Tony. Come on. When I say the name, fucking if I don't, what's the point of pre-polling? God damn it. Nikki Coleman. Nikki Coleman.
Nikki fucking Coleman. Guys, I have a staff of 40 people. I swear to God, nobody does anything. Here's Nikki Coleman. Oh, fuck yeah. Here we go. Oh, hell yeah. Make some noise for Nikki Coleman, everybody. How y'all doing? I'm Nikki and I'm from Lorimer, Mississippi. That mean with a population 1,500 and I'm related to 1,498 of them motherfuckers. I moved all the way to Texas because I had dick.
My last payment, so welcome access. That mean I used to like them before they fucked up their credit. Fuck with them young dudes because when I turn 40, I realize there's some shit that don't work no more like my black. When I cough, laugh, or sneeze too hard, I pee a little bit. This young dude rolled me this loud blunt. And for everybody that's the police, I'm a comedian and these are just fucking jokes.
There you go. Bear, get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here.
Hell yeah, I liked your style Nikki Coleman. You have grown so much since the beginning of the show. Thank you. I remember when your hair was much shorter, your arm wasn't broken. I know that's from sucking dick too hard. Oh my god, I love your style. I'm looking for my first man. I ain't never had a white man. You know why? Why? Because I think all white men penises look like boudin sausage. Oh shit. And I ain't racist, I just...
Oh my God.
What'd you call me? Google it. Okay. I like her, Tony. She's spasty. Oh, my goodness. Black Barbie has arrived. Hold on. There's too many white people in here tonight. My name ain't Nikki. It's Nicole with a C-H.
Okay. All right. I got to blend in. You're amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Seven years. In Louisiana? Mississippi, baby. Wow. Did you come here just for this? I came here because my spirit told me to leave the fuck out of Mississippi and come to Austin. I ain't never been here a damn life. That is amazing. When did you get here?
here Saturday. This is my week anniversary. Hey! Wow. Play that music, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Shit. All right. All right. Zatarainz. All right. I fucking love it. This is amazing. And I'm amazing on purpose all the motherfucking time. You believe that? I love it. Wow. So, you got here Saturday. Are you, like, moving here? You're just... I moved here. I did. I picked up
I came to Austin, Texas. My goodness. Look at this. A black mother acting like a black father. Incredible. What you say? I don't know what that means. Oh, shit. Now I know how you broke your arm. I told you sucking dick too hard. Oh, my God. Wow. What do you do for a living? I'm a professional stand-up comedian and disabled veteran. You're a veteran? Wow. Amazing. I just wish
I paid them student loans back and got that master's degree in civil engineering. I did all that shit for him to say, bitch, you funny. Look at that. You got a master's in Mississippi. Master's from the Mississippi State University. The best engineering school there is. People like you used to have master's in Mississippi. I know, right? Hold on. We are live, ladies and gentlemen. That's how I... Hold on. Hey, hey, hey, hey. We'll be right back.
I was in the house. Oh, I love it. I love it. Not to mention that beautiful blonde hair. I don't know how you got that. That's incredible. That came straight from sadness, baby. Ha ha ha.
Military discount. I love it. You've got fucking incredible energy. Thank you. So your kids are experiencing what you're bringing to the table, yeah? They must adore you. Do they know you're doing comedy? My kids and my grandkids, yeah. Let's go. They've seen him play before he's got grandkids. Oh, shit. I don't know if you should be doing that around the grandkids, but I digress. What about stand-up spoke to you?
Well, you know what? When my husband left me for a man, it ain't too much shit stand-up can say to. We'll be right back again. We'll be right back! Holy shit! Did you know the man he left you for? Nah, I guess he was prettier than me, though. How long ago was this? About ten years. I'm her third husband. I'm toxic. Okay.
Your honesty is beautiful. Oh my God. So let me ask you this. He was gay, but he was with you for a while. Did he, was he the one that recommended you cut your hair short? Oh my God. Look at that. You are adorable. Look at you, you little fucking Mississippi fucking. Oh, whoa.
Oh, my God. Follow-up question. The husband that left you for a guy, was there something about the way you were, you know, sucking him off that made him want a guy's mouth instead? Well, not with that attitude.
So what kind of guy are you into? What's your like current dream guy? Great question. My beautiful man left his job in Mississippi to follow me all the way here in Austin, Texas. Wow. He's right up there. Oh, shit. Where's he at?
Amazing. He said, fuck that job. She get benefits. Hell yeah. What's up, player? She gets to use that GI bill and you're on the train. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. That is one of the darkest human beings. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Stand up again, sir. Stand up. He looks exactly like his shadow behind him. Look at that. Look at his shadow at 114. I can't tell which one's which. That motherfucker is dark.
Oh, my God. Oh, shit, dude. Oh, my God. Look at that. That's all right. He don't never need a flash when he take a picture when he next to me, though. There is nothing boo-dan about that sausage. Not a got name. Wow, you are something else. I've heard of a doja cat. I never heard of a doja cougar before. Well, shit, you better know it. Oh, my. Oh, damn. All right.
Okay. And my name Nikki. Oh, shit. But my name ain't Nicole. Wow. My goodness gracious. Have your kids heard you do jokes? Do they know you're funny or are you just mom to them? Like, what do you say? Are you this edgy around kids? I'm this way all the time. All day, every day. Good for you. I was born like this.
I look gay, but I don't do pussy. I just look like this. I'm one of them old-fashioned tomboy who just want to climb the trees. I don't want to eat no pussy. Okay. Wow.
Ride motorcycles and shit like that. Yeah, I was the same way. No pussy, just all trees. I can see it. Your headline tells a story that no one else knows. I appreciate you. You're welcome. Thanks for taking an interest. It's this type of respect, Nicole, that I think is going to set you apart from the rest of the comedians in the game because you've got a savviness to you, but you're also a listener. You know what I'm saying? I watch your mouth. Okay.
I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. That's what I'm talking about. Welcome to Austin, Texas. You got one in. You ready? Oh, it's okay. It's all good. Thank you, guys. I love you. Make some fucking noise for Nikki Coleman. She's the newest resident of Austin, Texas. Congrats.
It just keeps moving along. Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time for one of your most esteemed regulars in the history of the show. An absolute fucking sensation. Here in New 60s, ladies and gentlemen, one of the great regulars of the show's history, Cam Patterson! ♪♪
Alright, white bitches, you can leave now, white bitches. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Damn, this shit, this shit is insane, bro. I really love doing what I'm doing right now in life. This shit is the craziest thing ever.
The best part about life right now though is going on the road with Tony, man. We always go to all these... One place we went to, we was in Phoenix, and it looked just like this place. There was no black people at all. And I was like, where are all the black people? And they were like, welcome, nigga. We were looking for you. Welcome to the show, baby. And then somebody just went, you made it, nigga. And I don't know who said that, but it wasn't black, and that was scary.
That was terrifying. I will tell you this, before I became a comedian, I wanted to go to the NBA. And I knew I couldn't go to the NBA, one, because I'm too short, but two, because I played my uncle in basketball and he beat me. He was like 47 years old and I was 16. And after he beat me, he was like, you know you just got beat by a former crackhead, right? And then my dad, he was like, he not no former crackhead, he did crack before the game. That mean I got beat by a nigga on crack, though.
And I should've known he was on crack. Because I would ask him, I'd be like, hey man, pass the rock. He'd be like, what rock did you talk about? Nah, that's it. Fuck yeah, Minute 18 from the great Cam Patterson. Unbelievable. Hell yeah. So good. How's it going, Cam? How does this feel? This shit is crazy. I need to pick my money up. This shit is insane, dude. A hell of an entrance. A true showman. Absolutely incredible. This shit don't feel real, dude.
What the fuck? Yeah. Soak it in, motherfucker. Soak it in. How long you been traveling with white bitches? You said what? How long you been traveling with white bitches? Oh, since I've been on the road with Tony, I bring two with me every time I go somewhere. Okay. That's what's up. It's part of the purpose. It's on my rider. Yeah. Now, did you trade in the rocks for bitches or do you still have those?
Let's go. Come on. Come on, man. Come on, man. I love it. That was me who screamed welcome N-word at the Phoenix show, by the way.
Thanks for letting me get away with it. Tony? Amazing, yeah. No, what's going on, Cam? Tell us more. Anything else going on this week? What else is happening in your life? Man, hell no. This shit, nigga, that's all I... All my life was trying to prepare for this goddamn show. You feel what I'm saying? Yep. And make sure you know what I'm saying. They like when I'm talking about this shit like that. This shit is crazy, bro. You're doing good, my friend. Goddamn. You're doing great. They love you, dude. They fucking love you. Listen to that. Yeah, baby.
She started something right there. It is amazing. It must have been exciting to watch your mom kill before you came out here. That was fun. And that shit was hard as fuck. My mom and my dad in this crowd tonight. That card is here. Yeah, that guy is something else. That guy could be your dad for sure. That is my dad. That's the other one. I love it, Cam. I mean, you're fucking doing it. You're living the dream. Sold out shows. Everything you do turns to fucking gold. You're killing it.
I don't even know what else to fucking say. You know, I saw you were in Hollywood a few weeks back, selling out the improv just on a whim. What was that like? Had you been to Los Angeles before? That was my second time there, but that shit was crazy, you know what I'm saying? To be able to go there and do some shit like that. It's historic, you know what I'm saying? But I can't thank y'all, you feel me? I love all you croppers. Real shit.
Well, we love you. Y'all my favorite. They're going to talk too, man. Yep. The old crackers. The old boudin sausages. That's what I like to call them. I've always called them that. The old boudins. You know what I mean? Did you go to Disneyland while you were there, Cam? Nah, I got Disneyland where I'm from. Nigga, why would I go there? Why would I go to the fake one?
Okay, just a simple question, player. What you got going on, man? You good? Well, Disneyland's, you know, it's the original. Nah, fuck Disneyland, man. Get in the world. What it called? Get in the world, nigga. Fuck Disneyland, man. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Hey, everyone, shut the fuck up. What does Disney World have that Disneyland doesn't? Riddle me that. I ain't been there in a long time, but it's better because I'm from there. Fuck that place. Okay.
More parks. More parks. More parks. You from Orlando too. Right, okay. More people, nigga. We winning. But we have more Mexicans playing like Goofy and Captain Hook, you know? Are there a lot of black people in Orlando? Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Jesus, I thought it was the most magical place on earth. Sounds terrible to me. I mean, I knew they had mice and shit, but Jesus.
I love it. Anything else, Cam? Nah, that's it, bro. I'm happy to be here. You're absolutely killing it. We'll do it again tomorrow night. Great to see you, Cam. The legend. The best. Absolutely amazing what this fucking guy does. Beats on beats, punchlines on punchlines, week after week after week. That's the real life fucking, that's the future and the present. One more time for Cam Patterson, huh? All right, your next bucket pool goes by
Pedro Loaiza, everybody. Make some noise for Pedro. There you go. All right, let's give it up for... I went to Colombia with my dad last year. That was pretty fun. I went there because he's from there, and I don't like his accent because on the plane ride, he pronounces the words tourist and terrorist the exact same. Uh...
I'm like, what the fuck? It was pretty cool. And when we got to Colombia, my dad was telling me about all the beautiful women there. But the only hot women I met were my cousins. It was really weird. Best sex ever. Anyway, yeah. Yeah, no, I also got to meet my grandpa. That was pretty cool. And the whole time he just kept calling me maricon. And I thought he was saying American with an accent. The whole time he just kept calling me faggot. And the whole time I was like, yeah, I'm a proud maricon. Thank you.
Guys, one more time for Pedro Loureza. Pedro, it's good to see you again. How are you? How old are you, Pedro? I'm 18. 18? Holy shit. Did he say 22 and he said 18? He's 18. Oh. Yeah, so he's too old for you, Redman. All right. Now, Pedro, guys, welcome back Tony Hinchcliffe to the stage. All right. Hello, Tony.
Pedro, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Since I was 16. Okay, so two years. Yes, sir. And what do you love about it, Pedro? What's bringing you joy? Hearing you guys laugh. That was pretty nice. He did good. 18 years old, he did good. A lot of laughs, Tony. I had to pee. I got one of those fucking IV drips today. They don't fuck around. Ultra hydration. He had a classic kill Tony said. He made fun of himself. He said the word faggot. Then he talked about his family.
Yeah, look at you. It's been a long time since we had a boy on that looks like Rosie O'Donnell. This is incredible. That's right. What ethnicity are you? I'm Colombian. Oh, okay. That explains the fucking fatty Escobar look you got going on. My goodness. What do you do for work? I'm a loader at Lowe's. You're what? A loader at Lowe's. A Lowe's loader, Tony. Oh, yeah. What are you loading, Pedro?
A lot of illegal immigrants most of the time. Oh, shit. That was funny. We'll keep that in. Now... It's interesting. You work at Lowe's. You look like you have downs. It's like a Lowe's downs. Lowe's downs. All right. I'm bombing in an arena. Good. Okay. This is what it feels like. All right. Oh. Hey, hey, hey. Chill, chill. Oh, whoa, whoa. Whoa. I was going to throw you guys Zip-X toothpicks, but not quite. Oh, no.
You guys keep this up, I'm bringing out Bing Bong for another New Year's Eve song. Now Pedro, uh, I love your jacket. If she bursts into the screen right now Kool-Aid style, I'd shit my pants. Pedro, what's your New Year's resolution? Oh, it's not on me. I want to get laid with a white chick. You do? Have you ever been with a white woman in any way? Uh, yeah...
In what way? Like, just like middle school, we were just like, yeah, we're boyfriend and girlfriend, but no kissing. She wasn't ready for that. No kissing. Is there a white woman out there that wants to kiss this fucking guy, huh? Kill Tony fans are the absolute best. Do we have a white woman out there? Anyone willing to give this 18-year-old a kiss on the lips, huh? Anyone? You'll be a legend in comedy history. Anyone? Anyone?
You gotta want to do it. This gal right here in the red glasses and the frizzy hair. Oh, that would be the best. Even on the hand or the cheek. Oh, here she comes. Holy fucking shit. Oh, my God. Holy fucking shit. Please. Please. Wow. Colt, get her. Yeah. Yeah.
How about a hand for the great bonsai right there in the flesh? That's him. There he is. Adrian Cabazos. Oh, look at little Heath going in. Oh, shit. Celia! Celia New Year! The remix. Celia New Year! I got some pussy!
That's going to be my new ringtone. You sound just like him. Pussy! Oh, my God, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. Oh, my fucking God. Dreams really do come true. Wait, wait, Pedro, hold on to that mic, player. Hold on to that mic. Pedro, grab that mic. Oh, my God. Now, on the Dr. Phil show, we've never done this before, but on the Kill Tony show, anything fucking goes, so that's why we're here right now.
Holy shit. Sweetheart, what is your name? Cat. Cat. Oh my God. I wouldn't have guessed that. You look like you drive the magic school bus. You look like you also fix the magic school bus. What do you do, Cat? I work to redesign schools inside juvenile justice facilities. Oh, an American hero. Happy New Year.
have you ever kissed a stranger before? Sure. Okay. Don't fucking question. That's on me. Not since I've been married. Wow.
This guy's cool. I can tell he's got real cuck energy. He's into this right now. He's cool, dude. Glasses, beard, tattoos to the wrist. He's laughing. He's happy. There goes this Bond supervillain. Look at this creepy boy coming back to his seat. What did I miss? I found the antidote. We got Joe Rogan's stepson walking back to his seat. Look at this fucking dork. Oh, my God.
Just had to go to the bathroom, inject some testosterone real quick. You know what I mean? Yeah, we'll get you some on it, player. Keep it together. Now, sir, stand up and show the audience the cool husband that's letting his wife kiss a stranger. Come on. Hell yeah. Look at this fucking guy. Put those lights on. Stand up. Turn around. Full 360. Yeah. Look at that guy. That's a big deal. Hey, that's a big deal. Because trick's on you. You're on a new game show called Cat's Gonna Blow This Guy. So...
No, I'm just kidding. It's not that. But, okay. Anything else before we let this happen, Tony? I'm just going to say that if you want the crowd to go really wild, it's got to be a fucking good-ass kiss. We've done this many times before. The show's famous for giving people their fucking first kiss. They're fucking... She's representing all white women. Well, no, we know it's not your first kiss. It's your first white woman kiss. Right. Pedro, are you nervous?
No. Okay, Kat, are you excited? I'm excited. I do have to tell you that I'm like 99.6% Irish. So like you couldn't go whiter. Wait, she's 99.6% Irish? Yeah. And so you can't what? Go whiter. Right. It is about as white as it gets. No doubt about it. I'm pretty sure that, I'm pretty sure he's thinking Irish. It was anybody else in the audience right now.
But, yeah. You gotta go with what you know. - Happy New Year! - I think that's a lucky... Yeah. Alright, you guys excited? I think we should make this happen. You wanna do it? - Yes, dude. - Cat and Pedro! Let's fucking go! Oh, shit! Wow! A magical moment! Guys, one more time for Cat and Pedro, huh? Holy fucking shit! Hell yeah!
I was wondering what I spent 20 grand on pyro for. It was. We really blew our load on that one. It was ridiculous. Just for two people with big hair to kiss for a second. Oh my God. How do you feel right now, Pedro? The same.
You're a funny fucking guy, dude. I like your style. It's a shame that I missed your set because I had to pee, but I'll tell you, you're going to get a big joke book. Nice pitch. Great job, dude. And you're going to get some zippings. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since I was 16. Since you were 16. So you've been doing it two years. So how about
You ever perform at the Mothership? No, sir. Do you live here? I live in Dallas. So you can make the drive? Yes, sir. How about Tuesday night, you make your comedy Mothership debut. You're going to do a show called Bottom of the Barrel, where you improvise topics that the audience puts in a fucking
The booker of the mothership will be there if you do good. It might just change your fucking life. There he goes. Pedro Luiz. What the fuck is up, Austin? He was almost going to cry, Tony. That was fucking sweet. That was a big deal. We're making dreams come true. He was also going to cry when he saw Cat walking up to the stage, but...
Two different kinds of tears there. How about one more time for Kat? Fuck yeah! I like your style, Kat. All right, another bucket pull. Right? Oh, you know what? Let's wait on this. We have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Um, okay. I don't mind the bucket pull girl coming out. How about another hand for Sable, everybody? These fucking chicks are unbelievable.
All right, a special treat for y'all. Hey, another Keltoni legend, Colt from Dallas. Remember, he kicks things. Once tried to kick a water bottle off of Jeremiah's head and missed and kicked Jeremiah.
Pretty epic. All right. A special treat for y'all. One of the darkest forces in all of comedy. He did a minute at the 10-year anniversary episode. If you guys have ever seen a show at the Comedy Mothership, you've probably seen this man. If you've ever seen a show at the Comedy Store, you've probably seen this man. Your favorite comedians, favorite comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, let's see how loud this place can get for the dark horse. Bro!
Brian Holtzman. Oh, yeah, baby. Make some fucking noise for Holtzman. If that little boy can fuck this bitch, I'll fuck her too. It's a good bitch. Good bitch. Fuck that shit.
Fuck yourself!
Climate change, climate change. I'm sick of hearing about climate change. When am I supposed to walk here all the way from dripping fucking springs? Get your, get your rebar, get your, what am I supposed to do? The temperature of the ocean is rising. I'm still going to piss in there when I go to the beach. I might even take a shit. I might even take a shit. I need shower. I need hot water. I need a gasoline. I need electricity. I need condoms, bitch.
You ever fuck a sheep without a condom? I don't recommend it. I can't do anything about the climate. Stop telling me about the climate. I can't do anything about the climate and I can't do anything about those weather girls on television either. Why do you need high heels and tight clothes and big fucking tits to tell me what the fucking weather is? Well, it's going to be mild out today and the wind is coming out of the south. No, show me those big tits. Show me those big fucking tits, bitch.
Take those fucking tits out and show me those big silver dollar fucking nipples. Fuck you. Then they go into the wind direction and they show this. You say, oh, please, please, please. Just pull up your skirt. Pull up your skirt and show me where the shit rolls out of your hole. Show me your fucking hole, bitch. Show me your fucking hole. Then they want to go into the seven day forecast. In seven days, the weather...
I got an eight ball of coke in my pocket. I don't know if I'll be here in ten fucking minutes! A family of fucking four! Just pull up your fucking skirt and show me the man in the boat. Show me the man in the boat! Show me where the dick goes! Show me where the dick goes! Some of you don't know how to react! Why? I just want to let you know that I did knock up Jesse Jetski Johnson. Now I gotta drive this bitch all the way to California to get rid of that motherfucking kid!
Do what I do if you have sex with somebody you haven't met before. Fuck the condoms. Fuck the pills. When you're done, snap their fucking neck. Snap that motherfucking neck. Hey, fuck you. Hey, fuck you. Stupid motherfuckers taking it serious. Fuck yourself. Brian motherfucking Holtzman, everybody. I don't know where the boos are coming from. You people in the back. I don't know. What are you talking about? Is it me?
Another legendary set from the great Brian Holtzman. You look fucking fantastic. Welcome back. Holtzman made the trip truly back from California, back to his home in Austin, Texas for this. We appreciate it, Brian. A couple of those are Seinfeld bits, aren't they? They're all Seinfeld bits, bitch. What is the deal with the weather girl's man in the boat? Oh, it's just unbelievable. You know, what don't you understand? Huh?
Did your mama come out of your mug? Why did you lose your sock in the dryer? I don't know. Socks are small. Things in the dryer are big. And sometimes those little socks get caught in big clothing. And when you take it out, they get lost. That's how you lose a fucking sock in the fucking dryer. That is just how Seinfeld did it. Do another Seinfeld bit. Who are these people?
Why do they call it chair? It's always been a chair, you motherfucker! Tell a fucking joke! Who are these people? Why does the hair stick to the tile in the back? A Filipino bitch that cleans my fucking chair! Tell a fucking joke, will ya? 75% of the people are laughing, 25% just sheer fright. It is incredible. That's the Matt Rife 25%. If you're not laughing, if you're not laughing, kill yourself!
There you go. There you go. That's your closer. Kill your family first, then kill your fucking self. That's a good t-shirt, Brian. It's a great t-shirt idea. Get all dressed up to have you look at me like I'm a... No, you're fine. You're good. You're good. Great band. Great blind guy. Oh, he doesn't have a sense of humor, you fucking asshole.
Holtzman is... You're not laughing for him, you fucking woke cocksuckers! It's a new year! The woke is over! The woke is fucking over! It is true. It is true. We love you, Brian. Thank you so much. You're the fucking best. How do you feel? I feel like I've been betrayed by the people that I thought loved me! Who are these people? Why would you... Why would you swallow cum?
Oh my God. They're really... All right. Holtzman, let's run it back again tomorrow night. What do you think? You want to do it again? Yeah, as long as you're not going to be here. I'm going to get them a whole new crowd. You're laughing at that fucking trend. Oh God. That's another great t-shirt, Brian. Make some noise for the great Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen.
He's running for office in 2024. Vote for him. All right. This is it. Your final bucket poll of the night, ladies and gentlemen, has been pre-polled, should be backstage, ready to go. Make some noise for 60 seconds uninterrupted for Austin Young, everybody. Austin Young. Austin Young.
Austin Young, bucket pool number nine. We got through a lot tonight. She's an Austin Nine. With a lot of special treats. Hell yeah. What's going on guys? What's up? A little bit about myself. I grew up super religious, went to Christian school, and like I was too Christian for the Christian school. Like I used to fail science class on purpose because that's what I thought we were supposed to do. I thought they were testing our faith.
So like the teacher, she'd be up, she'd be the teacher and she'd be like, dinosaurs used to walk around the earth billions of years ago. And I'd be like, blasphemy. And she'd be like, you're being very disruptive. And I'm like, and you're being a false prophet trying to lead the flock of the righteous astray. She's like, I'm going to call your parents. I'm like, and tell them what? I'm defending my faith. You got nothing on me, bitch.
I was a pretty good student though. I had straight A's other than that. So the teachers made this deal with me. They're like, all right, you're a good student, so we're going to give you this deal. Just write an essay on how earthquakes are caused. You turn that in, we'll pass you. I'm like, deal. So I write the essay, turn it in. I get called into the principal's office the next day. He's like, did you write this essay on how earthquakes are caused? I'm like, yeah. He's like, you just wrote The Gays. The Gays.
Fuck yes, Austin Young pushing it to the limit. He's done, Bear. He's done. He's done. Get back. That was a fucking great set, Austin. Thank you. I appreciate it. Very funny. Absolutely. Thank you. You were just on the show recently, right? I was on the show recently and you accused me of celibacy and I did not appreciate that. What made me say that? I don't know. I'm the very handsome boy. What?
What did I say that makes you think that I accused you of celibacy? You just, you were shocked that I get pussy. Yeah. Yeah. I could see that. You get a lot of pussy? I mean, it's, I don't take down a lot of pigs, but it's all good. Oh my goodness. They're called cats now. They're called cats. Get a lot of big girls. Pigs are people too. What's the biggest, what's the biggest you've been with?
I like that noise. What does that mean? She's pretty big. I'd grab a handful of foreheads like that. A handful of foreheads? Yeah. Wow.
Yeah, she a big. Damn. Is that a euphemism or like an actual? No, no, no, no. You know, when you get that big, they just got nowhere else to go but here. Was she on Dr. Pimple Popper or what? No. Okay. I met her on Facebook dating. Good for you. That was cool. Good for you. How long have you been doing stand-up, player? This will be year four coming up. Okay. Yeah. Fantastic set. You've only been on the show once before? Yes, sir. What else did we find out about you there? What do you do for work?
I work with horses and I'm a truck driver. Okay. I quit that though. Fucking, we got a stud and I was, I never worked with stud before and I was told when you go in a stall, like don't turn your back to him. And I, I accidentally did. And he's like, look at the fat ass on this one. Yeah.
Look at this celibate fat boy. Let me grab some of that forehead. Yeah. You're not supposed to turn your back to him. Because...
They fucking... They get real charged up. They're supposed to mount whenever they see something, so... Keep going. That's what happened. His dick came out. It was fucking... It was massive. Fucking huge. But he had nothing to mount, so he just started smacking his dick into his tummy. Cool. And then... Red Band, you've done that, right? Yeah. At that secret show. I'll be honest. It was probably... I thought that was the biggest dick until...
I hung out with Heath last night week. Oh, hell yeah. A real stud. Yeah, a real stud. Never turn your back on Heath. Never turn your back on Heath. Where are you from? I'm from Florida. Oh, shit. Yeah. What part? Fort Myers. Okay. I started comedy in Tampa. Gnarly.
All right. But you live here? I live here now, yes, sir. Okay. What do you love about Austin? I love getting up spots everywhere. It's fucking great. And where you go, you just get up every night. It's pretty awesome. So you get a lot of pussy is what you're saying. A decent amount. Have you ever had an STD?
How about a KFC? Oh, you know it, dude. Maybe a BLT? I mean, I pissed a couple times and it hurt, but I mean, I cleared up. You just cleared up on its own? Yeah. Oh, you have chlamydia. Great. Probably. Hell yeah. How often do people confuse you for the bouncer at Panera?
Every time I'm in Panera. Yeah. Is that your go-to food? What's your favorite snack if you're high or just got done, you know, fucking some foreheads? Probably Whataburger. Okay. Big patty melt guy. Fuck In-N-Out. All right. It's a Texas crowd. I'm a fan of it. Yeah. I like In-N-Out too.
I love it. I love it. What's your guiltiest pleasure? What's a nasty thing that you eat that you make for yourself at home maybe sometimes? Oh, fucking eggs. Yeah. Late night eggs? Yeah. How many eggs at once do you make? Eight. Whoa. Holy shit.
Damn, dude. Even cats, like, that sounds like a lot of eggs. Yeah, it's a lot. Now, are you, have you ever been to Dallas? I have not. Okay, where's the craziest place you've been to? Well, I used to be a truck driver, but I mean, I've been all over the country, so. You love to drop that truck driver shit, don't you? I guess. I mean, it's the most interesting thing about me. I would disagree. I would disagree. I feel like you've got some secret skills, like sign language or...
I can drink beer really fast. That's about it. You can? Like a can? I can do like a pint glass or something. Can we get a beer up here? Can we get a giant bucket of beer? Can we get a glass of beer?
This sounds exciting. Let me tell you that. Give me your first name again. Austin. Austin. So my good friend Adam Ray is going to be headlining in Dallas the end of February. If you can drink this beer in under five seconds, you can feature for the motherfucker. How about that? How about them apples? All right. That's a real, real, that's a fucking paid gig. And I'll have the secret show on top of that. Oh, shit. Secret show on top of that. Yeah.
Okay. And Joe Rogan's gonna let you shoot his bow and arrow. You need it in a bucket or something like that? I'd rather in a glass, yeah. How about a bucket? A bucket? Yeah. How about a condom from Heath? Let's make history. The first time the bucket of destiny has ever been used as a fucking gullet before. Holy shit. That's a lot of fucking bucket beer. Wow.
You're going to pour a couple in there? What are we talking about? You're just going one? Yeah, let's go two, baby. Yeah. Yeah. The great Bones Eye, ladies and gentlemen. He makes all the joke books. From the producers of Two Girls, One Cup. You guys like joke books, right? No, two's good. Two's good. Two cans, one bucket. Here we go. All right, Austin. This is way. Oh, shit. There.
Unbelievable
Unbelievable. He just got an entire weekend to work with Adam Ray. And I'll have you on The Secret Show Thursday if you can. Wow. And you're on The Secret Show on Thursday. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. You got work in Austin, Dallas, the full Texas fucking run. Austin Young, ladies and gentlemen. Great job. You already have a big joke book, right? I do, yeah. There you go. There he goes. Austin Young. Thank you guys so much. Keeping it moving. I think...
I bought sandals from him at Lady Foot Locker once. Funny guy right there. Funny guy. I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that part of the show. Your final comedian of the night. His parents are here who we love. Legendary guests. Some people say guest of the year 2022.
I mean, what can I say about him? You know him. He has the record for all-time appearances on the show. The record for the most interviews on the show. He is currently the only living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. The Tijuana Tarantula.
The Des Moines dealer. The Syracuse Sultan. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery! ♪♪
You gotta make more noise than that. This is William Montgomery. Okay, stop playing. Stop playing already. Hootie hoo. Hootie hoo. Hootie fucking hoo.
I'm looking for Old Town Road. Must fornicate with Fruity Black Cowboy. Time for a joke. What do you call a robot on drugs? Elon Musk. No, but seriously, Alex Jones uses me to block 5G cell phone signals.
People ask me if I like The Wizard of Oz. Shit, pretty much the only Oz I care about is the HBO show. What's the difference between Red Band's mom and the Wicked Witch from the West? Red Band's mom only turns into a puddle when you hit it from the back. Your mom's a fucking slut, dude, and she's old as shit! She was fucking in The Wizard of Oz, bitch!
But yeah, that's my time. Thank you so much. Wow! What an amazing performance. This is unbelievable. You are such a showman on these big shows. You really know how to fucking turn it up. You are... What are you, a robot? It's... Tony, it's a little embarrassing. I was actually wearing this on Christmas night, and I just haven't changed yet. I got...
Super drunk, took a little ecstasy, fucking five days later, I fucking lost at the airport again. Good evening. This look is unbelievable. You on the big screen with these fucking great cameras. It is incredible to see such a showman. Where do you get a hat like that?
Oh, man, I got this in New Mexico. I was in New Mexico four days ago, Tony. First night of ecstasy. There's a fucking Hispanic family that I used to live with. I went over to their casa one night. We're fucking we're fucking. I mean, it was. And I had this fucking hat on. No, but the hat's a nightmare. I've been wearing it for the past five fucking hours. And hey, bitch, when are you going to start laughing at any of this shit? Yeah.
I'm killing it out here right now, bitch! Thousands of people here. Meanwhile, those two really stand out. It's kind of incredible. What is that? A father-daughter situation? What the fuck? Oh, a father-daughter situation? Shit!
Oh, it is. Yeah, they are father and daughter. You actually nailed it. William, how much does an outfit like this cost? This was $3,000. I got it on Amazon, got 24-hour shipping. It was actually the shipping that cost so much. The shipping was $2,500, outfit was $500. When you got to get it fast, you got to get it Amazon. I mean, it's a great look. You look like you're still Plan B on the moon.
That's a compliment. That's a tough gig. Oh, thank you. Thank you. You got it. You're crushing it. I love the hat. You said when you got to get it fast, you got to go Amazon. Is this a new sponsor that I'm hearing? It is, y'all. I actually have the biggest sponsorship deal of my fucking life. Who do you? Amazon reached out Christmas night. That's why I took the ecstasy.
Fucking seven years. Fucking, they said $8,000. Something has to be off with that. But yeah, seven years, 8,000 bucks, but it's Amazon.
I get free shipping, so thanks for... Why are you fucking laughing? What are you doing with your stupid head, you dumbass? You just spent $3,000 on shipping. You spent $3,000 on shipping. You sound as stupid as ever right now, you dumbass. He did say it was $3,000 for the outfit, not for shipping. He said all the money was on shipping. I pay attention. Oh, yeah, and Red Band. By the way, my dad is up there with your girlfriend, Janice. I saw them making out earlier, bitch. Whoa.
And my dad's sick as shit right now! Oh, shit. Finally, a white guy getting an Asian sick for a change. That's different. You remember the lab leak? No? All right, forget it. He's talking about Wuhan, and I got a big problem with Wuhan! Tell us what your problem is. I ain't ever gonna go back to Wuhan!
How many times have you been there? Shit, like seven times. Oh, my God. What did you used to do in Wuhan? I worked at a factory, Tony. It was a factory. We dealt with a bunch of tires. It was a fucking nightmare. I didn't know how to speak fucking Spanish. I don't give a shit no more. By the way, I would love to see a headline tour of Brian Holtzman and William Montgomery. I mean, I'd pay top dollar for that.
That's good money. $10. Yeah, maybe we should do it. One of the balls rolled on top of your hat.
That's what she said. That's what Red Band's mom said the other night. Oh, shit. And is that just glitter on your belly? Am I seeing this correctly? Because there's a hole in the middle. Is that your belly button? Yeah, I actually ate some of that sparkly stuff in thermometers at my parents' house. I got into some of those things and drank the sparkly silver stuff. And Tony, it's been like this for a couple of days now. My tummy's hurting so bad. I ate a
It's like mercury or something. I was drinking the mercury out of these thermometers. My mom was like, William, you have to stop doing that. You're turning silver. Wait, what accent is that? You're turning silver, William. Yeah, my mom sounds really weird. Is she the teacher from the Muppet Babies? Who was that? Yeah, William, you're turning silver. Your mom sounds like that? Yeah, William, what's going on with your tummy? It's turning silver.
William, your tummy is really silver right now. And I'm like, mom, get the fuck out of my room! I can eat the mercury ball! William, how have the cameos been going?
Cameos, I swear to all of you, thank you. If you're in this room and you got a cameo, I'm up to number six. Let's go. One cameo, I'm fucking flying to their office next Sunday. I got a bone to pick with cameo. Uh-oh, what's the bone? What'd they do? They released, I had a bunch of personal data on there. It's an actual, it's a real lawsuit.
Oh, oh, shit. Okay. Yeah, it's a date all week. How did the gig at Dr. Squatch headquarters go? Well, they heard about me mentioning Dr. Squatch giving me cancer, and they actually didn't pay me, so I didn't get paid. So, yeah, I'm not even kidding. It was the biggest deal of my fucking life. I'm already buying the fucking sports car. I'm already buying the fucking Porsche Boxster. Fucking, they find out. Was that funny? Yeah.
Fucking idiot. And then I fucking find out they're not going to fucking pay my ass. And I swear, I spent that money the second it hit my fucking, that second that check hit my pocket, I'm getting fucking looking up sports box.
fucking poor sports sports boxsters and sportsters i've looked up a bunch of sportsters and i'm like fuck i got this big ass check in my pocket it's like i see these sportsters all over fucking craigslist and shit and bitch you're really not laughing at this wait william if i bought a cameo from you later tonight for like my grandson right he's got hpv and uh
But he's a big fan of Fortnite, okay? But he's also, you know, he's got a lazy eye. If I give you that personal information, his name's Ethan. What would you, let's give him a little cameo music, guys. What would you record for my grandson? Hey, Ethan, what's up? So nice to be talking with your ass right now. Ethan, if I seem kind of sad right now, yeah, I'm pretty sad. My dad actually got stuck in the chimney Christmas Eve yesterday.
Fuck it. And we don't know if he made it halfway in two thirds of the way in. We don't know because we had to call the fire department and they show up. It turns into a very expensive, very extensive extraction operation. So, yeah, then I'm fucking sad as shit right now. But Ethan, oh, my gosh, I heard you like Fortnite, dude. That's so cool. I love Fortnite.
I can't get enough of Fortnite either. God, what was the rest of it? I don't know. He's not a real person. But that was great. Now, how much money have you made on Cameo? You said six Cameos. I have made over $6,000. It's been two years, so things are looking up. I'm thinking I might actually get that escalator back at the apartment. Uh-oh.
I want to start fucking not walking up the stairs anymore. This hat makes it hard enough. I'm getting the escalator again if I keep on doing the cameos. So we'll see. I mean, Lord willing, in the Creekdale Rise, I'm going to get that escalator in two years. It seems like you are set on getting the escalator. Do you think this is a dream that you're ever going to give up on?
You know what, Tony? The moment I heard about just what an escalator was, how it gets you up to the second level of a mall or someplace like that, and you don't have to take a step. I discovered they're called escalators, and I discovered them, and I get one shipped to my house, and I swear to God, I never go stop ordering escalators to my apples. Never. I never go stop.
Thanks so much for William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. William, our second musical guest couldn't make it, so... Thank you so much for having me. We'll see you tomorrow night. William Lights Out Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Hooty-hoo. Now, normally, everybody, before you go...
Before you guys head for the stands, these fucking, these people afraid of parking. I know it's been four hours of continuous entertainment that a lot of you have seen in this room. But before we go, we have a little surprise that we have for a very, very special man that I've worked with for 17 years now.
Dr. Phil, we got something special for you. If you want to look up at that screen, I think you might enjoy what's going to happen right here. Look up there. Good evening and congratulations to the Kill Tony podcast on doing its first show in an arena. Well, I wish I could be there. I was going to come, but I had to finish eating this apple. But nonetheless, it is with mixed emotions or maybe great pleasure that
that I award the Kill Tony 2023 Guest of the Year to Adam Ray as Dr. Phil. Wait a minute, what? First, Adam Roy. No, Ray. Whatever. I think he owes me money. Anyway, congrats, Adam. You finally figured out how to be successful by pretending to be me. Now, while I don't usually relish people doing an impression of me,
I mean, audience, can he do me? Has he got me nailed? Okay, okay. I have to say he's pretty damn good. If he was really committed, he would shave his head. Kind of like breakfast. The chicken is involved, but the pig is committed. I do endorse comedy. Laughter is important, especially nowadays. So congrats, Adam, and kill Tony on a wild night.
Perhaps y'all will see me, the real deal, one of these days. Now, how weird would that be? I could come and do an impression of Adam doing an impression of me. Hey, God bless Texas and Happy New Year. Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. The video froze up, but it is indeed official. Your 2023 Guest of the Year, fucking Dr. Phil. Here's the great Yoni with a trophy from the Baylor's.
Oh
Dr. Bill's face. Oh my goodness. Yeah. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Night one in the books. You're not going to fucking believe what happens tomorrow night. We love you guys. How about a hand for the artists? Let's see what Ryan J. E. Belt
The great Ryan Jay with a little fucking Dr. Phil. Look at that, Adam. Look at that shit up on the Jumbotron there. Look at, oh, there it was. It was another guest of the year thing. There's Dr. Phil. That's fucking fantastic. Let's see what Austin's own Chris Rogers has here up his sleeve. Kicking off night one of Kill Tony Mania. Oh, that's the shit. A little wish you were here homage with me and Redman. I fucking love that. God damn it.
You do this, I might have to fucking buy that too. God, you son of a bitch. Oh, we're going to have an auction on it. Yo, let me say one thing real quick. This is the greatest fucking live comedy show in the history of comedy. I got to say that real quick. Keep it going for Tony motherfucking Hinchcliffe and Brian Redband.
This show's been going, started at the fucking comedy store, and they are just climbing and climbing all because of you guys. Give it up for yourselves real quick. Let's go. We love you guys so much. Thank you for coming to this.
I love you guys. Thank you so much. We love you. God bless Texas. Good night, everybody.
This is the end of the show.
♪♪
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